#i am legitimately kicking myself for recording in this way

[miodiodavinci]

me, gripping my microphone every second i have a quiet moment: can we get voicebanks my brain: we have voicebanks at home voicebanks at home: 3,265 of 19,380 estimated oto entries complete

[halfdeadwallfly]

scansion is killing my brain

[galaxionart]

Things to know:

-I am a trans man. Deal with it. 🏳️‍⚧️

-This went from October 31st to three days ago.

-I am still dealing with the effects of withdrawal from HRT so if it’s a bit off-kilter, that’s why.

-This is mainly a post to help me cope with everything that happened. If you act like shit on this post you will be removed and blocked.

-The other reason is I never want another person to go through what I have and speak out if it does or has.

-I have been on HRT for nine years without interruption. So having it gone for even a month has an intense effect.

- I don’t want to name the lab I went to. I’m not proud of what happened and have been to better ones in the area that have been resentful of that location.

-My dad has been helping me with multiple tasks. I’m able to take care of myself however mental illness is still a big problem in my life. He’s willing to help when things become to much. I should have asked for a ride from instead but I didn’t. That’s on me.

-All of this is true. This isn’t a copy pasta or some stunt. People have harassed me on Reddit about this. I have deleted my account and will never be returning.

-I know Reddit is an obvious pool of toxicity. I guess I wasn’t thinking clearly at that time.

So a month ago, I went to a lab for blood work to get my testosterone prescription. The prettiest way to put it is that I had a panic attack which the employees legitimately (they said it to my face) believed I was having a temper tantrum and they kicked me out. Probably because I was trying to get everything done as much as I could before I had the insurance cabbie leave and I’d have no way to get home. I was then informed that no order was ever put in (which was bs and them wanting me to get out as confirmed by my prescriber WAY too late.)

No problem right though right? Just get another order and go to a different area. HA, no. Because I was told the order wasn’t for that lab at any location. So I thought I had to get a new one. I think now is the time to bring up my prescriber: Planned Parenthood.

For the next few weeks I called every number I could for them to get an answer about what was going on. I was never called back or given the answer of “I don’t know what happened then let me look into it.” and wait a week and have to call THEM back.

Finally I was told the order was right and went and got everything done. I swear I cried in my dad’s car after because this was finally over and could finally not feel like my body was finally mine again. I’d been weeks since I had any hormones and the dysphoria became too much to bare.

Planned Parenthood lost the lab results. Why? Oh they were trying to get a MyChart going and they lost nearly all the information they had for me in the system. My HRT prescription? Gone. Any records of my appointments on telehealth or medical information? Gone. I didn’t know that and had to endlessly call AGAIN knowing nothing.

Holy hell did I loose it. It had been a month now and I was angry, depressed, dysphoric to an unhealthy degree. I was ready to give up. If my dad didn’t check on me that I don’t know what would have happened. We had to call a social worker to ever get an employee to not brush everything off or hang up.

THAT was when I was told everything was lost and they wanted me to drive a mile to their “office” to get a blood test there. I said fuck it and took the next appointment in three days. Next day I was told they moved my appointment to the next week. I don’t know why.

The social worker called them again to move it up. And only then was I called by a doctor at Planned Parenthood for the first time. She apologized for everything, that they were changing things and said to come for a walk in blood test that day at their location. After that they would give the five months of Testosterone that they never gave or told me existed.

My dad drove us all the way there and we were stopped at the door locked with an intercom there. We said we were there for a walk in- SORRY BUT MY MANAGER SAYS WE ARE’NT TAKING ANYMORE WALK INS TODAY.

Excuse me?! No. My dad tried to explain we were scheduled to have a walk in lab- NO WE AINT TAKING ANYMORE WALK INS TODAY.

I said with as much gusto as I could manage: WE’RE HERE TO SEE DR._ HEARD OF HER?!

Silence.

GIVE ME A SECOND…OKAY Y’ALL CAN COME IN AN HAVA SEAT.

We walk in and say we’re here for a scheduled walk in visit.

“I know but have a seat.”

Apparently NO YOU DID’NT. But our butts sat in most disheveled, disgusting waiting room I had ever seen. There were even used face masks next to an open jar of condoms. My dad used the restroom and I stood near the desk because I didn’t want to sit back on the gross furniture…until I was told I needed to sit down because standing in the cramped room was an invasion of patient privacy.

Apparently this piss pot was so small that right near the huge front and side desks was the door to every doctor���s office-there were only two. I don’t mean only two we’re working they only had two doctors in the entire place. They had lost over half their doctors since I last came in.

Over half the people there were secretaries. Remember how no was giving me any information or calling me back? What the fuck.

Dad comes back just in time for the front desk woman no.1 to get some private information from said out loud and a bunch of digital signatures on a dinosaur credit card signature taker. Yes they raked my dad for disclosure of information and I’m not going to say how all that played out.

We sat back down. Waited. Waited. And finally the doctor came out! Yeah it was a nurse. Now after all this shit my dad was ready to figure out what the fuck happened to make this so damn difficult and ready to speak to the doctor…he never saw her one time. No matter how many times this man explained what was happening and he wanted to know what went wrong exactly, well, he never found out.

So I go with the, actually quite kind, nurse and sit in a dirty office room. All I can say is that the examination chair in the corner was stained with faded brown…something. And my doctor finally came to see me face to face. The only thing she said was she was the one who’d contacted me, when was my most recent blood test and if I wanted to check my testosterone levels. No apologies or information just a shit eating smile plastered on her face. I said flatly: I’m not doing that to the last question and that smile fell off her face fast. The woman looked like I just told her to go fuck herself and die in a fire.

Bitch left. And the nurse clearly knew something was wrong and tried as hard as possible to try and lift my spirits. I appreciate her doing so though the finger she did the test with was bleeding profusely until hours after getting home.

We left and drove home. I told my dad I saw the doctor. He seemed hopeful until I brought down the mallet of disappointment that she basically explained Jack shit. We shut up, went home and got the meds the next day.

I understand that Planned Parenthood and the companies it works with do a hell of a lot of good. But honestly, this was unacceptable. These buttfucks shouldn’t be employed at PP. No fucking PP should be in that shitty of a condition. I’m taking all the medication I can and I’m going to a professional in January. Even my dad was done with their shit and is willing to let me use plume for $100 a month if anything happens until then. I don’t want that place to ever see me or my money or take anymore of my time and self esteem again. I realize that they need help and if you have a PP that deserves donations please do! But please understand that I can’t support them after this. Not even the companies working with them. The start of all of this was my fault. I get that and I take full responsibility for that. Everything else falls on them. You cannot change my mind. And because I truly don’t care about them anymore:

Go fuck yourselves you selfish lazy greedy assholes. Thanks for making my life hell for a month and never do this to another trans man ever again.

[petalsbleedingbeak2]

See when I learned the whole “no nation would accept refugee Jews en mass” thing I figured that was WHY Jews wanted to carve a space where no one could kick them out or kill them. When I learned about the “repeated expulsions from every European country going back hundreds of years” I understood it even more. You can maybe understand why Jews don’t trust a one-state Palestinian solution when the cry is “Israelis should self deport” or “gas the Jews” or “there’s no such thing as an Israeli civilian” or “theres Israeli civilians but they deserve death”. I don’t think it counts as projecting when Hamas’s charter for 30 years of its 35 year existence has been “exterminate all Jews from the region”. The threat to Israeli civilians is not a hypothetical one, it’s one being enacted on purpose by a group that *claims* to represent Palestine

NONE of this is to say that Israel is innocent or justified, but when people say “you can criticize Israel and support Palestine without being antisemitic” like. They’re right, it’s possible, I just wish I saw it more.

Too many people say Israel shouldn’t have been founded, and when they don’t know that no country would take enough of us that were fleeing, I chalk it up to bad education. When I see people say it who KNOW we had nowhere to go and were NOT safe in Europe (see: post WWII massacres/pogroms in many countries - history doesn’t take long to repeat itself and they knew it), all I see is that they would find it more convenient if Hitler had finished the job.

I’ll end this by saying that when I have this conversation with Israelis, I stress the Palestinian side more. I just want to set context that I’m not stressing that side with you because I largely already agree with a lot of what you’re saying. We have a lot in common and in arguments like this it’s too easy to let “we disagree on a few topics (even if they’re very important)” turn into “we are on opposite sides”. It’s almost 3 where I am so I’ll wrap up instead of letting myself obsess over details and phrasing. I’m just some jackass on the internet with no real power over your life, but I am hoping this angle may tint your perspective. Either way, I am hoping the best for you.

Your concerns are legitimate and I understand them, though there are some issues.

I would take the 'Jews wanted to carve a space where noone would kick them out or kill then' argument, haven't it been for a couple of occurencws, namely

- forced displacement of Ashkenazi and other non-Palestinian diasporas to Palestine by the West, effectivelly turning "Israel" into a ghetto based on the ideological grounds of the Holocaust,

- constant attacks and ongoing ethnic cleansing of the Indigenous Palestinians by "Israeli" occupation forces. IOF commit the same atrocities that were carried out on Jews during the Holocaust against Indigenous Palestinians since the Nakba.

Again, Hamas. I call bullshit. Hamas does't speak for the Palestinians, just like IRA doesn't speak for the Irish, Al Quaida doesn't speak for Iraquis, ISIS doesn't speak for muslims. Moreso, Palestinians themselves denounce Hamas. Hamas, for the record, was born as a resistence fraction AFTER IOF occupation of Pakestine. Yet its actions still don't speak for the Palestinians. Neither does Hezballah, or PLFP, or any resistance group. You just cry wolf. Hamas is the IOF creation and zionists are the only ones to blame for it's existence to begin with. Hadn't zionist fascists terrorize Palestine, there would be no Hamas in the first place.

There is no such thing as "Israeli civillians" since "Israel" is not a legitimate state. On top of that, military service is mandatory for IOF by the law, so they are never civillians. They are off duty backup, if you will. IOF doesn't have civillians.

"No country would take enough", again, this is literally what was used as justification for the Holocaust. The entire existence of IOF is ideologically grounded in the Holocaust. Nevertheless, you are purposefully rwisting the facts. No one said there should be no Jews in Palestine. Jews have been in Palestine since forever and have been peacefully living side by side with the Palestinians. The problems started when "Israeli" occupation government started to limit the rights of the Indigenous people and creating this occupational of hierarchy. As always, zionists lie to twist the narrative. You know you are making up shit that utterly misses the point and you're doing it with the purpose of diverging attention from the point into the field of emotions when you can be a crybaby and muddy the waters around the facts. I ain't buying that.

Honestly, I ain't reading any further. You've proven enough that you're an antisemite who ignores Jewish history and want to turn Jews into this genocidal terrorist group.

Long story short,

[dollsonmain]

If the tax form goes off of my records so I can match line items to my own data if asked, maybe I can put like “Toy Pony (sales order number)”.

I’m afraid I am going to have to put things like “Box of Misc. Dolls.” or “Box of Misc. Ponies” pretty often, though, because I didn’t keep a list of what dolls or ponies are in the box.

Though I guess the way I’m keeping the records NOW, I could, if needed, print off all of the receipts for sales, all of the receipts for purchases, the spreadsheet itself, and another copy of the tax forms and hand over a hugeass pile of papers and say “Here you go! Have fun!”

Of course I don’t expect there to be any legitimate reason to be audited, but there could be an error somewhere that causes one like me doing the return wrong or someone at the IRS misinterpreting the data or something.

I hope I can do this myself, though. Just having to pay someone else to do a return for me on such low earnings is kind of a kick in the pants.

I wonder if I could get That Guy’s CPA to do it at the same time he does That Guy’s return and bill That Guy for it or just add on a smaller extra fee for doing mine. (¬_¬ )(¬_¬ ) He charges That Guy like $500/year. Guess I could ask. (Imagine paying $500 to do a return on an earnings of $600....)

@maleficentmrsofallevil said the IRS is going to be flooded with these forms but I have a feeling most people in my situation likely have no idea it exists just as I did.

[let-it-raines]

I Hope We Never See October (5/?)

When his personal life and football career go up in flames, Killian Jones escapes England for America, finding seclusion in Martha’s Vineyard in order to hide from his demons. It’s a fresh start, or at the very least a paused moment in his life, and all he needs is a few months alone to allow his heart to heal. He doesn’t count on meeting Emma Swan.

Emma’s life depends on tourists who come to the island every summer. It’s how she makes her money working in restaurants and clubs across the vineyard, but every year, she cannot wait until autumn comes and her life returns to normal. She especially cannot wait for Killian Jones to leave.

Rating: Mature

ao3 : beginning | current

tumblr: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 |

-/-

Emma likes seafood.

She likes seafood, but she mostly eats like a ten-year-old boy. Apparently, there’s a little place near her house called Granny’s where she devours grilled cheese and onion rings like arteries aren’t a thing. It makes him laugh when she tells him because she eats how he’s always dreamed of eating. The only time he ever gets the chance is when he’s with his nieces and they convince him to get them food Elsa and Liam never let them get.

She also likes 80’s music, has been working at the Blue Dog for over half a decade, prefers her kickboxing classes to cycling ones, and her favorite color is blue.

That last one was a bit of a throwaway question, but he asked it anyway. Then, of course, he made sure to let her know that his eyes were blue. He got an eye roll and a ‘shut up’ for that before she started rolling her hips again. It was damn distracting, but he didn’t stop laughing at how frustrated she was that he wasted his one personal question a day on that.

One personal question a day.

It’s childish, but he thinks it works. It keeps the line between them defined. He knows what this is, has done it enough times before to not be blind to it. They’re both visitors in each other’s lives. They have expiration dates, and when there’s an expiration date, there’s no harm in spending time together.

There’s no commitment, so there’s no hurt.

He’s not an expert on Emma Swan, no matter how much she fascinates him, but he gets the feeling she’s avoiding relationships just as much as he is. There is a past hurt there, a damned painful one, and if anyone gets that, it’s him.

But he doesn’t ask about that in his one question a day. He asks for her favorite color and food and if she’d rather hike uphill for 10 miles or swim for 20.

For the record, she’d rather hike because she could sit down and eat along the way.

“Would you look at that?” Emma says as she runs her hands under the water of the sink at the bar. “You, sitting at this bar, again.”

He slices his salmon with his knife and grins. “I tried that Granny’s place, but the food had too much grease. Met a rather charming waitress, though.”

“Let me guess. Red streak in her hair, boobs on full display, argued with the owner the entire time?”

“How’d you know?”

“Because that’s Ruby, my best friend.”

“Is she now?” he asks, already knowing the answer.

“Is that your personal question of the day?”

“Nope,” he says, taking a bite of his food. “I’m saving that for a later time.”

“A later time,” Emma repeats, like she’s considering the words. She crosses her arms over her chest and leans back against the bar. “What makes you think you’re going to be seeing me at a later time? This isn’t enough for you?”

He looks around them and leans closer to her. “Too many clothes.”

Emma laughs, legitimately, and that feels surprisingly good. “I’m literally in a tank top and shorts. That’s about as dressed down as you can get.”

“I was talking about myself, actually. There are too many clothes on me, but it’s nice to know you think so highly of yourself.”

That gets him another laugh and a shake of her head, and he likes that too. He may have no real inclination to become overly attached to her, but he can at least admit to himself that he enjoys her company.

“Shut up.” Someone calls Emma’s name from across the restaurant, and she holds her arm up, putting up one finger. “I get off at The Oaks at eleven. I’ll drop by your place if I’m not too tired.”

“Why the hell are you working there so much?”

“I like the money. And, Jones, that counts as your personal question of the day. I’ll see you later...maybe.”

She grins and winks before walking away, and he swears she puts a little extra sway in her hips. Killian shakes his head as he feels his own smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

“What a bloody woman,” he whispers to himself before spearing another piece of his salmon.

-/-

“Right there,” she moans. “Like, seriously, right there. Don’t fucking change anything.”

Kilian smiles against her, but he’s quick to return to what he was doing. Emma’s legs tighten over his shoulders, her hands yank at the sheets, and as much as he is throbbing right now, it’s bloody glorious to have her like this. The filter is gone, so too are the reservations, and he gets a bit of satisfaction knowing this is him doing this to her.

His only skills aren’t on the football pitch after all.

He is definitely a bastard for thinking that right now, but he’s never claimed to be otherwise.

“Fuck,” Emma huffs after she comes down from her high. Her legs shiver over his shoulder, thighs tightening so all the sounds fade for a moment, but then her legs fall and all sounds come back in screaming color. “What did I do to deserve that so early in the morning?”

“It’s ten, love.”

“Yeah, that’s early on my day off.”

Killian laughs and kisses the inside of Emma’s thigh before making his way up her body, planting a final one underneath her collarbone before he collapses on his side of the bed and pulls the sheets above his waist.

“It’s not early for the rest of the world.” He smiles, which she doesn’t appreciate, and she sinks further into the bed, yanking the covers over her. He can still see her flushed cheeks and the slightest content smile on her face. “You should try it sometime. See the sunrise, dodge early morning joggers, eat breakfast at a normal time.”

“Trust me, I’m usually up early enough to want to drive into the early morning joggers while I have a Pop Tart hanging out of my mouth. My summer schedule is just...it’s different than usual.”

He has questions about that. It’s something she’s alluded to before, but he doesn’t know if she’ll count that as his question of a day.

He’s thirty-five years old, and he doesn’t know if he can ask the woman he’s sleeping with more than one question about her life. He knows he’s fucked up a lot, but this seems to be the culmination of several screw ups in his own life.

He doesn’t have time to dwell on that. Well, no, he has all the time in the world, but lately, the boredom has dissipated, the loneliness too.

Lately, he’s got a damn good distraction, and he’s not about to fuck that up.

Emma flips over on her side, her hair a wild, curly mess. She used his pool last night and didn’t wash her hair after. It’s made it even crazier than usual. He thinks he likes it. Makes her seem less reserved.

His phone rings on his bedside table, and he leans over to pick it up.

“Hello, darling.” Emma’s brow raises, but he ignores her. “How are you?”

“Good,” Elsa says. “We’re all good. The girls are in the garden right now, running around and getting all their energy out. I haven’t heard from you in a few days.”

“I’ve been...busy.”

Emma’s hand finds his thigh, and his leg jumps before steadying. She is not about to do what he thinks she’s about to do. Bloody hell.

“Busy?” Elsa asks, as Emma’s hand walks a little closer to his groin. “Doing what? Have you made friends?”

“Why do you always ask me that like I’m a child?”

“Because you’re basically my baby brother.” Killian laughs and then hisses as Emma’s hand wraps around him. She smirks, obviously satisfied with herself, and he knows she’s doing it for the reaction above anything else.

Tease.

He doesn’t mind.

Except this is a poor idea.

“I believe I’m actually older than you.”

“Semantics.”

He laughs again, and Emma’s hand starts working a little more. Fuck. He needs her to stop, and even though she’s doing delicious things to him, she is looking away, acting as bored as can be. And maybe she is, but then he sees one corner of her mouth tick up.

“Mum, is that Killian?” he hears Ally ask, echoed by a squeal from Sophia, who is obviously having the time of her life. There’s a bit of a shuffle, some muted voices, and then his niece’s voice comes through. “When are you coming home?”

“Hello, Ally,” he says, his voice going high when Emma moves her thumb. “How is one of my favorite nieces doing?”

Emma immediately stops and yanks her hand away, practically falling off the bed. She catches herself and kicks up, moving the comforter up and nearly pulling it off him.

“What the actual fuck?” she whispers hisses, slapping him.

He ignores her as Ally asks again when he’s coming home.

“At the end of September, sweetheart,” he promises. “I’ll come home, and then I am going to kiss you right on the cheek.”

“Ew,” she complains, and he can imagine her nose scrunching.

“I also might give you a present.”

“I like that better.”

“Good. I thought you would.” he watches Emma get up and pull a t-shirt out of a drawer. It’s an old Man. United shirt, and he pretends that doesn’t do a damn thing to him, especially since she was just working him up a minute ago. “Listen, Ally, darling, will you hand the phone to your mum? I - ”

“Sophia, that is my hat! Do not wear it!”

And then the line goes dead, and he wonders how long it’ll be before Elsa gets back to her phone and calls him back.

“You let me do that to you while you were on the phone with your niece?” Emma mumbles, pulling the shirt down then pulling her hair into a mess of a knot on the top of her head. He’s not sure if she’s annoyed or amused. “I hate you.”

“Technically, at first it was my sister-in-law,” he corrects, tapping his head.

“That doesn’t make it any better.” Emma gets back in the bed, pulling the comforter all the way up to her chin, and then she shuffles a little further into the bed before sitting up against the headboard and groaning into her hands. “I am mortified.”

“I did stop you when Ally took the phone,” he points out before pulling at the arm of her shirt. “Nice shirt.”

Killian stands from the bed and walks toward his bathroom, grabbing his briefs along the way. “It’s comfortable,” Emma says. “Is this the team you played for?”

Killian stops, the tile cool against his feet, and then keeps moving, leaving the door cracked as he gets half dressed and starts brushing his teeth. As good as it was a few minutes ago, the mood is gone.

Especially now.

How the hell does she know he used to play football? And how long has she known that? Is that why...no, that couldn’t be why, but he knows that’s why a lot of women have.

“A long time ago,” he says, spitting out toothpaste. “I was with Chelsea when I retired.”

“Is that another team?”

“Uh, yeah,” he laughs, continuing to brush his teeth but sticking his head out of his bathroom door. “You didn’t know that?”

Emma shrugs as she types on her phone. “I don’t know anything about soccer. I only know you played because Ruby internet stalked you a few weeks ago and showed me your Instagram. I literally thought you were just one of those adults who is really into his hobbies.”

Killian nearly lets out a sigh, but he stops himself and turns back around to the sink to spit again before rinsing his brush. He looks up at the mirror. His hair is disheveled, there are lines around his eyes and on his forehead, and his stubble is growing to the point where a beard is beginning to form. He’ll shave later.

So Emma doesn’t know anything about football then. Or him, for that matter. He’s not sure he entirely believes her, that she didn’t look up any more about him, and he doesn’t like that uncertainty. Usually, when he meets someone, they have the upper hand and know the surface layer of all the dirty details of his life.

They usually don’t care to find out the real stories. Not that most of them redeem him in any way.

“Not a hobby,” he says, taming his hair with his hands. “It was a damn good job.” He leaves the bathroom and leans against the doorframe. “You ever play?”

She laughs and puts her phone down. “No.”

“Not even as a kid? Come on. I hear every lass in America plays as a kid.”

“Is that your question of the day?”

Damn. “No.” Killian walks toward the bed and puts his hands on either side of Emma’s head on the headboard, leaning in close. He sees her chest rise, and he smirks. “My question is to ask you to stay in bed with me all day. What do you say, Swan?”

She sits up, and her lips lightly brush against his mouth when she talks. “You should have asked me about the soccer because I was already planning on staying here the entire day.”

“Really now?”

“If we can get crepes delivered from this place that’s, like, ten minutes from here.”

Killian kisses her, long and slow until there’s heat simmering low in his belly. “As you wish.”

-/-

Emma doesn’t come over every night. Nor does he go to her place. But it seems that way as July rolls by, full of hot days that seem to linger forever. Killian finds himself busy during the days. Emma usually has work early in the mornings, so if she’s staying over, she leaves before eight. He doesn’t know how she has time to breathe working at both the Tavern and The Oaks, but she makes it work. When she leaves, he gets up and uses the gym in the basement of the house, going through his tried and true routines before he laces up his trainers and either runs on the beach or on the sidewalks through his little area of the vineyard. He finds the sidewalks are better for his knees, so he tends to stick with that and leaves walking on the beach for his afternoon phone calls with Elsa and the girls or Ariel and Eric.

It’s a routine, one that changes during the day, but for the first time since he got here, he doesn’t hate every damn day. He doesn’t spend his time actively having to try not drink or thinking about Liam or football. He practically buys out a local bookstore and goes through the novels faster than he has in years. He visits different restaurants, museums, goes along with some tourist activities he finds online, and he explores any shop that strikes his fancy.

And while his routine changes, there is one constant: he eats a meal at the Blue Dog Tavern.

At first, he thought Emma would kick him out for it, but now, she often comes and sits with him for a few minutes or sends him a drink from her office. He always sits in Ashley’s section and lets her talk about her growing belly even if he knows little about pregnancy, and he spends at least an hour eating and watching all the people around him.

It’s a hell of a lot better than the twenty-four-hour diners with sticky floors and bad coffee.

Killian shoves his keys in his pocket and pushes open the door to the Blue Dog. Marina greets him, telling him to seat himself anywhere in Ashely’s section, so he goes to his favorite booth and settles down. He can’t see the television from it, so it’s the perfect spot to completely escape from the world with no risk of his past showing up right before his eyes.

He may be feeling better, may be able to have a drink or too at night without wanting to have five more, but he knows he’s possibly only one bad day from it all coming undone, the thread unraveling faster than he can wind it back up.

“Tea or coffee today, Killian?” Ashley asks, notepad in hand.

“Tea, I think, but not the blasted stuff you gave me last time.”

She laughs and writes down his drink order. “Do you know what you want to eat already or should I come back?”

He hands her the menu. “The daily special and a side salad.”

“Perfect. I’ll be back with that as soon as possible.”

“No need to rush,” he says, smiling. “Is - ”

“She’s filling out orders for next week, but I’ll let her know you’re here.”

Ashley winks before walking away, and Killian wonders what the hell everyone in this restaurant thinks of him and Emma. It must be peculiar, but if he’s picked up anything from Emma, it’s that she likely doesn’t share much about her personal life with her employees. She surely won’t tell him that he’s the man she’s sleeping with for the summer, but they might pick up on that on their own.

The food here is good, but it’s not every day good.

He’s finished his salad and half of his sandwich when she comes out from the back. Today, she’s already in the black dress she wears to The Oaks, and her hair is pushed back into a ponytail. She looks exhausted, and unfortunately, the reason has nothing to do with him.

“I only have a second to say hi,” she says, sliding into the booth and grabbing a roll from the basket, breaking off a piece and popping it into her mouth. “We are having an issue with our fish orders, and it’s an absolute nightmare.”

“That sounds like I won’t be ordering any fish this week.”

Emma takes another bite of her bread. “I wouldn’t if I were you. Do you want to come to my place tonight? I’m off at ten.”

“Sure.” He picks at the bread on his sandwich. “Though, the last time I was at your place, that damn crab pillow ended up in the bed, and I didn’t appreciate that.”

Her nose scrunches with her laugh. “I hate that thing too, but Ariel loves it.”

“You live in that house the entire year. Why don’t you redecorate it for your taste?”

Her shoulders tense, and she stops chewing before slowly starting again. He already knows this is going to be his personal question of the day. Sometimes she forgets about it and lets the conversation flow freely, but when he hits a nerve, she’s more on her guard.

He gets it. He can be the same way.

“Personal question,” she says, and he knows her better than he should. “And I’ve redone my bedroom and little bits in the kitchen and living room, but I don’t know. I guess I keep it how the Fishers have it because it’s their home. There are memories there, and I don’t want to take any of those away for when I do eventually get another place. It’s....it’s good to have a family home with memories.”

Killian arches his brow, but Emma looks away, picking at the roll again. He never really had a family home, not after his mum died and his dad became obsessed with using Killian’s football skills for his own fortune, but he likes that sentiment.

A family home with memories. Good ones. That would be the dream.

“What about you?” she asks, changing the subject before he can press further. “Aren’t you excited to get back to your place where all the stuff is yours? You’re living in a place that’s not your own, so I’m sure you’re ready to get back to your family.”

She doesn’t mean anything by it, but her words cut. He’s here because he lost the one person in his family who he was closest to, but he doesn’t want to talk about that, not now. This is supposed to be a good time. It isn’t supposed to be about dark histories.

“I’m enjoying my time here,” he answers honestly. “There’s this woman who is an absolute spitfire, and she’s been occupying most of my time. I’ve been, well, metaphorically tied up in bed too much to think of returning home.”

“Ha, ha,” she monotones with a roll of her eyes. “That’s not what I - ”

“Hi!”

They both turn, and Emma’s friend Mary Margaret is standing there, bouncing back and forth on her toes. “Hi, Marg,” Emma says. “You’re early.”

“I know. I got finished tutoring early, so I thought I’d drop by. I didn’t know you’d have...other company.”

“Nice to see you again,” Killian says, nodding at Mary Margaret.

“Yeah, nice to see you.” Mary Margaret seems hesitant, like she didn’t meet him weeks ago at dinner, and he wonders just how much she knows about his arrangement with Emma. From what he’s learned, they seem close, but he also knows Ruby is Emma’s more...accepting friend. “How are you?”

“I’m good, love. Just badgering Emma at work. I’m surprised she hasn’t kicked me out yet.”

“Annoy me a little too much, and I will.” Her ankle hooks with his under the table, and Killian bites his lip to keep from smiling too much. “So, what’s up, Marg? Why’d you want to drop by? Have you heard of this thing called phones?”

Mary Margaret chuckles before sliding into the booth next to Emma. Emma’s ankle unhooks from his, and he tucks his feet under the booth. “So, you know how David wants to have that big barbecue for all of our friends and neighbors?”

“Yeah, you guys do it every year because you’re insane.”

“Anyway,” she says, playfully rolling her eyes, “we were wondering if we could get the Blue Dog to cater some of the sides. I know you guys don’t cater, but we could pay extra. Please.”

“You do know there are restaurants who do cater who could handle this?”

“Yes, but we love the food here. Killian gets it, right?”

“Uh, yes,” he mumbles, not sure what he’s supposed to say. From Emma’s death glare, he knows he’s chosen incorrectly. Bloody hell. “I love it.”

“Exactly,” Mary Margaret says. “We’ll pay extra. Promise. In tips so the staff can get it instead of the owners.”

Emma sighs and sinks into the booth, crossing her arms over her chest. “I need to know the order at least two weeks ahead of time, and it’s going to take me some time to figure out how much you guys need to pay.”

“Ahhhh, perfect!” Mary Margaret hugs Emma before sliding out of the booth. “You’re the best! I can’t wait to call David! Oh, and Killian, you should come too. It’s on August 14th. We’d love to have you there.”

Killian scratches his ear and nods, flashing her a tight smile. He doesn’t think Emma would welcome him at a party full of her friends, so he doesn’t want to make her uncomfortable no matter how nice it might be to be in a large group of people.

“He’ll be there,” Emma says, surprising him, and he feels her toe tap his shin. “If he can make it, of course. You know, he has a very busy social calendar.”

“I wonder why that is, darling.” He winks, making Emma smile, and he taps his toes into hers right back. “I’ve heard you keep pretty busy as well.”

Emma’s mouth gapes before closing, and her green eyes widen, lashes nearly hitting against her brows. “Ass.”

“Well, I know you like - ”

“Okay.” Mary Margaret claps her hands together. “I’ve got to go. Emma, I’ll send you the menu after I talk to David tonight. And Killian, we really would love to have you there.”

“I’ll see,” he says as he fights to keep from smiling too widely. “May I recommend the cheddar bites for the menu. They’ll kill you, but you’ll enjoy it.”

“I have never once seen you get the cheddar bites,” Emma scoffs.

He leans over the table, pressing his chin in his hand and smirking the way he knows she likes. She tells him he’s obnoxious when he does it, but sometimes he can see past that hard shell exterior. “I’m full of surprises, darling.”

“That you are, Jones. That you are.”

-/-

-/-

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[pear-pies]

Placebo in Rock & Folk magazine - April 2003

Words by Jerome Soligny, photos by Carole Epinette

Wonky translation under the cut:

These three did it all. Shot with the QOTSAs and posed with Indo. They survived "Velvet Goldmine" and the Top Bab. They come back after the ordeal of the fourth album. Danger interview: “Jerome, what if you came out?” They ask our charming reporter.

"We do not regret anything"

Everything begins again with "Bulletproof Cupid", a punky instrument that pulls everything off. Then "English Summer Rein", mechanico-depressive spinning punctuated by twisted keyboards, and "Sleeping With Ghosts", the lament which advances while blistering during cooking, confirm the tone. Against all expectations, because you never know how will age the groups that the previous album installed at the Top, Placebo took over. And stuffed it in an iron glove. Further on, "The Bitter End" tumbles through yapping guitars which would stick to the hatches the thickest of the sailors. Be careful, Placebo is on the way out of being one. At the end of the record, Brian Molko, Stefan Olsdal and Steve Hewitt do not even run out of steam. The cows. They drop a "Centerfolds" which frolic like a cynical top under a shower of saving doubts. What augur still other perspectives.

The fourth album: a horror for all who have faced it. Often a stupid trap. Returning from the Gothic directly inherited from the glam of pageantry and from these hasty and harmful certainties which congest the face and the veins, Placebo publishes its first real great disc. Oh, not the marvel of wonders, not the album from the third millennium, but something very strong, compact, tenacious in listening, which proves that the future is indeed there, in front, where the light is most blinding. Calfeucée in their Parisian hotel (the Costes, of course), our three lads do not make the blow of the revelation, of the luminous questioning. Simply, they now think with their heads, a good plan most often Likewise, reality no longer frightens them, and it is probably she who is hiding behind this "Sleeping With Ghosts" which relates the sorrows only for the better. melt into hopes At the moment when rock brings us back to life and when we just want to ask them everything, the Placebo have decided to say everything. Not even in a hurry, they settle down on the couch, ready to talk like never before. Despite new batteries embedded in the carcass, the Panasonic barely a Brian Molko: Hey Jerome, you came to talk to us this time when you had not come to the previous album ...

Rock & Folk: Uh yes but I was there for the first two, that says a lot, right?

Brian Molko: Certainly, I also believe that over time, we finally appreciate the true nature of the problem: we were mainly criticized for the sound of the previous album, which I can understand but, paradoxically, it is the one that brought us to the Top.

R&F: Legitimately, we have the right to expect a lot from the people we love: while "Black Market Music" sounded a bit like a sequel, this new record is all about a renaissance.

Brian Molko: Actually, we were finally able to live a little. After having existed in a small bubble for a very long time, we forced ourselves to take an eight-month break. The album-tour rhythm put us on the sidelines: we no longer had normal contact with anything. We were losing ourselves. We have fully lived the old cliché which claims that we spend the first years of our life writing a first record and six months on the second. It turned out to be very true. We had to get back to the situation of the first album, see friends, go shopping, look at the buildings in our city.

R&F: So the freshness would come from there ...

Brian Molko: Yes, and it was essential spiritually, emotionally and physically.

Steve Hewitt: We had to be in tune with reality again.

Brian Molko: In fact, we find ourselves in a bit of the same state of mind as when we released "Without You I'm Nothing", although "Sleeping With Ghosts" is a lot less gloomy. The heroin has since stopped leaking. In fact, I feel like I've pulled myself out of what I consider my second teenage years, between twenty and thirty. I conquered the self-destruction, exorcised some demons, understood what had happened to me. I held on to what I had learned. As a human being, I am now able to continue living, to try to answer the big questions posed by existence.

R&F: Maybe that's why the melodies are needed this time. It took me four records to get a favorite Placebo track.

The whole group in chorus: Which one?

R&F: "Protect Me From What I Want", of course ...

Brian Molko: The most paradoxical is that this song dates from the end of the "Black Market Music" sessions. I was not married at the time, but I was trying to get out of a particularly vicious divorce.just started. Then we wait for the lyrics, which don't arrive, it's rather intriguing. We especially wanted to avoid the big Rican producer side, we needed someone who shakes us up a bit. Jim could do that because he comes from dance and his pedigree is impressive. We have all his records at home, Bjôrk, Massive Attack, Sneaker Pimps and especially DJ Shadow. It is believed that guitar rock can only evolve by incorporating new genres, this is the only way to remain a modern rock band. At home, we practically only listen to hip hop.

R&F: Still, he didn't betray you.

Brian Molko: No because he actually brought out our rock side, which I'm particularly proud of. In fact, because we always wanted to control everything, it was not easy to be forced, to do certain things backwards, to walk on the head. But in truth, that's what we wanted: yes, there was some tension in the studio but we all took advantage of it. The challenge is necessary and it is also valid for the public. We opened up and rediscovered ourselves.

Stefan Olsdal (emerging from his chair): We found ourselves in front of the mirror, at the foot of the wall: someone had to kick our ass.

Brian Molko: Jim was like, "Why are you doing this?" We would answer him: "Because we always do it like that!" He would say: "All the more reason not to do it."

Stefan Olsdal: On the first day, he messed up all the demos, changed the tones, the tempos ...

R&F: Like Brian Eno ...

Steve Hewitt: Yeah, but with a lot more compassion. Eno is a bit (silence) ... We don't really like being told our actions, but at the same time, we are still young, still absorbing. Jim knew how to preserve us while making a modern sound.

R&F: Modern and rock'n'roll at the same time, a characteristic which does not necessarily apply to all the young groups in The which recycle the past gently but are convinced to have found the virus of the AIDS.

Steve Hewitt: Placebo doesn't belong to any current, has nothing to do with fashion.

R&F: You always pose as outsiders.

Brian Molko: It's the only way to survive.

Steve Hewitt: These bands, like The Strokes, play the nostalgia card.

Stefan Olsdal: And what happens next? I would not like to be in their place.

Brian Molko: If you want good New York pop, you better listen to Blondie.

R&F: In 2003, 11 seems that you have abandoned all the androgynous paraphernalia, sexual ambiguity, glam references ...

Brian Molko: I think today everyone knows what there is to know. Our sexual inclinations haven't changed, and we still wear makeup. It is just more expensive and better applied. We are ourselves, in our music and in private. I went through my travelo period (in French in the interview - Editor's note), and I understood that being androgynous was not wearing skirts. It is a way of being on the spiritual plane. It is not an image but a state of mind.

Steve Hewitt: It's like being punk, it's an attitude.

Brian Molko: At the same time, I don't regret any of my eccentricities. I grew up in the spotlight and it all kind of makes me smile.

Stefan Olsdal: People still talk to us about certain outfits or positions, as if it still shocks them.

R&F: Yes, and particularly in France, a particularly homophobic country which bumps heartily on gay artists.

Brian Molko: And you, coincidentally, you still hang out with.

Stefan Olsdal: Jérôme, it's coming out time (laughs) ...

Brian Molko: All that has to change, that all of France becomes gay (laughs)!

R&F: "Protect Me From What I Want" precisely, here is a title heavy with meaning. What was the idea behind this song?

Brian Molko: For me, it's a study of the pathological need people have to copulate, the search for meaning in copulation. As if bachelors or monogamists were aliens. As if we were only one when we were two. The song is about the fact that one relationship has destroyed me but I can't help but look for another ... why do I keep coming back to this?

R&F: Wow, we're bathing in philosophy here!

Brian Molko: Yes and it's the same elsewhere in the record: in "Plasticine", I insist on the fact that you have to be yourself above all while asking myself all these questions. Why do we have to do a lot of forbidden things, bad or harmful?

R&F: It's therapy in public.

Brian Molko: At least I find some balance in it. These are not songs about compassion or self-pity. They came out like this because it was vital for me. I am in this privileged situation where I can express myself and the world hears me. Otherwise, I would be really frustrated and I would have suffered a lot more in the last fifteen years.

R&F: Music saved your life.

Brian Molko: Sure.

Steve Hewitt: Everyone: I think we can say that. Without Placebo, we would not be not even alive.

Brian Molko: Spitting it all out is not necessarily the right solution. There are things with which to live. In fact, I've always been afraid to go see a psychiatrist ...

R&F: Yet, listening to you speak earlier, you could have the feeling that Jim Abiss acted a bit like a shrink with you.

Brian Molko: That's right. You could say that.

R&F: At a time when Bush and Blair want to play World War III, what attitude do you adopt? What do you think of these Englishmen who left for Iraq to constitute a human shield?

Brian Molko: Let's say we stand together. We participated in the March for Peace on February 14th with Damon Albarn and 3D from Massive Attack. We were also surprised that so few groups mobilized, which increased our desire to participate tenfold.

R&F: Do you consider that it is the role of the artist to give voice in such circumstances?

Steve Hewitt: Yes, in the sense that we can help with general motivation.

Brian Molko: I'm very interested in seeing if Blair is going to let Bush bomb Iraq with the British present on the soil of the country. If he ever allows that, the consequences will be dire.

R&F: It will only be one more religious war, in the name of oil and money ...

Brian Molko: It seems absurd that we can still fight for that. And curiously, nobody speaks more, or almost, of Bin Laden. Wouldn't it all come from him, by chance, as a huge consequence of September 11? On the other hand, we have such a feeling that Bush wants to finish the job that daddy started. Its image is so bad that it needs at least one war to restore its image.

Steve Hewitt: And reinvigorate its dying economy.

R&F: The method is lamentable, deceitful. Like those employed by the recording industry which claims to be doing well by selling pop in damaged boxes to ignoramuses.

Brian Molko: The ability of this job to ingest people, bribe them and then spit them out is impressive. This is what happened here at Canal +.R&F: Business is the beast.

Brian Molko: All these pre-made artists are young and naff ...

Steve Hewitt: They'll all end up in a labor camp for ex-pop stars.

R&F: Warhol was talking about fifteen minute glory, we're brutally passed to fifteen seconds.

Brian Molko: We should have called them Karaoke idols from the start.

Steve Hewitt: And it only works because of the TV ...

R&F: Who washes the poor, helpless brains.

Steve Hewitt: You can tell how much people want to think less

R&F: And spend less. For many, music should be free: one in five thirteen-year-olds doesn't know that a disc doesn't have to be a computer-burnt puck. Some are flabbergasted when they see a cover for the first time.

Stefan Olsdal: And those who don't buy records put pressure on those who have them to pass them on at all costs, just long enough to copy them.

R&F: Exactly.

Brian Molko: That's why we blame Robbie Williams so much. Scooping 80 million pounds off EMI and then declaring that pirating music is a fantastic thing just makes him want to stick a chunk in his face.

R&F .: And then piracy is not a matter of environment. It's not a suburban thing. There are rich kids who find it normal to burn 80 CDs during their weekend and sometimes sell them to their friends ...

Brian Molko: What do these people believe? That we are there, the face in the stream with a syringe stuck in the arm singing "La Vie En Rose"? And who will pay for our children's school? Not them, anyway. Our mentality is quite different: we always want to buy records from people we love, from our friends. Personally, we are partly out of the woods, but it will be particularly difficult for new groups to make a living from music in five or ten years.

R&F: Come on, we're not going to leave each other on this, a little humor won't hurt anyone. If you were to be banned from any of these three things, which would you choose: making music, making money or making love?

Steve Hewitt (almost tit for tat): I would stop making money, without hesitation. It's because I love music and sex too much. And then, well, you have to choose.

Brian Molko (completely overwhelmed): Oh damn, that's not true. What a dilemma!

R&F: No Brian, that doesn't count, make an effort (laughs).

Brian Molko: Ah, I don't know. And then if. I would stop making money and get on well with someone super rich.

R&F: Or you would be pimp ...

Brian Molko: Yes, that's it. Good plan.

Stefan Olsdal: Stop making love does not mean to stop loving ...

Brian Molko (preparing his shot): And we can always masturbate (general laughter).

Stefan Olsdal: OK then, I would stop making love.

R&F: Okay, it will be written in black and white for all eternity.

Brian Molko: Will we live long enough to regret it? This is the real question.

*COLLECTED BY JEROME SOLIGNY

[Inset, Trash Palace]

Already present on the first album by Trash Palace which he had adorned with his presence one unhealthy recovery of "I Love You, Me No More "in duet with Asia Argento, Brian Molko is coming to re-stack. This time he cosigns directly "The Metric System " with Dimitri Trash Palace Tikovoi, an electro saw boosted to bleeps fundamentals available in two remix and its clip on an enhanced single recently published at Discograph. The result is particularly (d) amazing and sounds good logical, like of Placebo cyber.Placebo in  Rock & Folk magazine - April 2003

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #425

“evolution repressed by our backwards contest  /  breeding our torrential demise as we come to this edge”

Serious question, peanut butter or nutella? I think Nutella is a godsend, but I use peanut butter waaaaay more often. We don't even really buy Nutella because I will destroy the jar. Do you prefer baked potatoes or mashed potatoes? Baked. What is your oldest sibling’s middle name? Kathryn. I think. Do you like breadsticks? I just like bread, man. What are your favorite things to spend money on? Tattoos, uuuuugggghhhhh <3 Which would you rather have a new puppy or kitten? Neither, really. Most puppies drive me insane (even though they're cute as everliving fuck), and I don't want another cat. Mom actually talked about getting another, but I really just want my one boy. Roman would get SO jealous, anyway. I enjoy just having my baby. How old will you be on your next birthday? 26. Yikes. Do you ever feel self-conscious when you eat around other people? As "the fat one," I can be sometimes. I would say though that more often than not, it's sort of whatever to me because I'm a human that has to eat. When you opened your eyes this morning, what were your first thoughts? I thought I slept way later than I actually did. What is one thing in the room you’re in that reminds you of somebody? My stuffed meerkat Rebel. Jason got it for me for my first birthday that we were together. Could you ever be friends with somebody who was homophobic? Never again. I was once able to think "agree to disagree," but sometimes by doing so, you're siding with evil by not enforcing what is more than just a belief. It should come with being a human. Also given my own sexuality, it would be a slap in the face to me. Would you ever want to be a supermodel, or date one? Hell no. I'd date one though, if they were modest about their position. Honestly, have you ever made fun of somebody so bad they cried? Wow, no. Honestly, would you rather be complimented on your looks or intelligence? Quite frankly, nowadays, my appearance. I need it. My self-confidence is so far below "shit." Have you ever purchased a pregnancy test, for yourself or otherwise? Nope. You can get one thing, anything, for free right now. What do you pick? Why? Hm. I know I talk about it a lot, but it would still probably be a 40 gallon terrarium for Venus. She needs - and deserves - it. Honestly, have you ever danced naked? NOOOOOOOO. What was the first illegal thing that you did? Did you get caught? Downloaded music. My mom eventually found out, but didn't care much. What is the home page on the computer you’re on? Google. Do you like to write poetry? I do, but I haven't done it in a while. :/ Are your ears pierced? Yes. If so, were they pierced with a piercing gun, or with a sterile needle? Piercing gun. Which, by the way, do not do. There are many more risks with a piercing gun versus a needle by a professional. Do you wear makeup regularly? I never do. Did you eat cereal for breakfast today? No. I've been on a bagel kick lately. When was the last time you tripped over something? Last night, actually. The rug in the living room was slightly turned up, and I tripped in the dark. I didn't actually fall, thankfully. Any obsessive-compulsive tendencies? I'm diagnosed with OCD. I experience more ruminations and intrusive thoughts more than obsessive behaviors, though. Who was the last person you yelled at? Probably Mom. Why did you yell at them? I don't remember. Favorite type of apple? I like pink lady apples. I really enjoy any, so long as they're crisp. Ever seen live horse racing? No. To be totally honest, I don't really like the concept of it. Motivating a horse to run by hurting it doesn't exactly seem moral... How about live greyhound racing? No. What’s one thing, besides the obvious, that you couldn’t live without? The Internet, haha. Have you ever touched a giraffe? No. What does your mom call you? Britt. What stresses you out the most in life? I really don't think I could pick a top one. There are so many. Do you play any PC games? What is your favorite? Yeah. Y'all probably know WoW is my favorite. If you were pregnant, how would you tell the father? Well, that would depend on the circumstances. Did we want a baby? Was it a bad surprise, a happy surprise? I can't answer this with just one idea. What’s the hardest level you can play on Guitar Hero? I used to be able to slam out Expert easily with only very few songs I had to play on Hard, but now it's been YEARS. I've played less than once in a blue moon, and my skill's definitely faded some. It really depends on the song. What ever happened with you and your first boyfriend? He couldn't handle my depression anymore. What’s your favorite country song? "When The Stars Go Blue" by Tim McGraw, probably. What is the worst thing a former boyfriend/girlfriend has done to you? Fail to communicate what he was feeling with me and then make a dashing break for it very, very abruptly after three and a half years. It put me past a state of shock, but trauma with how no less than obsessed I was with him. What were you for Halloween last year? I didn't dress up. :/ I wish I had the money and motivation alike to. Are you feeling guilty for something? I always will. Are you usually quiet or loud? Quiet. How many hours do you spend on the computer a day? Like... uh... all of them, oof. What is the show that you watched when you were little, and you still do? Meerkat Manor. Do your siblings text you? Not really. Do you want a small or big wedding? Small. Have you ever searched for your own house on Google Earth? Not the house I currently live in, but I have before. Who is your ex dating/talking to? I don't know. Ever kissed someone who smokes? No. Does it take a lot for someone to annoy you? Frankly, no. Do you own your own computer? This laptop, anyway. Did you ever have to share a room with one of your siblings? Yes, with my younger sister as a kid and pre-teen. What noises in the room you’re in, do you hear at the moment? I hear the video I'm watching, as well as my fan. Have you ever dated someone with longer hair than yours? Yes. What’s the biggest upcoming event for you? Nothing. Not like that's a surprise. What do you typically order from Wendy’s? Son of the Baconator. @_@ Have you ever been given a lapdance by an actual stripper? No. Those are so awkward to me. What do you love most about yourself? I don't know these days. Have you ever received a hickey from the last person you kissed? No. What are you doing right now? This survey and re-watching John Wolfe play Outlast 2. What’s bothering you right now? I'm immensely nervous about tomorrow. I have my first (and I pray the fuck to God not only) session with my new personal trainer then, and I'm terrified by how my body and my mental fortitude is going to react. Y'all have no fucking idea JUST how out of shape I am, and the muscles in my legs seem basically non-existent by now. I have to do something about my health, though, and I'm determined to make this shit work. More than determined. I know the first day is going to be hard, but I need to do this more than I can explain. What was the last thing you drank? ... What great fucking timing, I have a can of Mountain Dew, lol... That's another thing that needs to change. I've gotta stop the emotional and boredom-eating and chill the fuck out with soda. Be honest, do you like people in general? Quite frankly, no. There are plenty of people I love and think are amazing, of course, but I think I lean towards humanity being too shitty to like "in general." Do you want your tongue pierced? I miss my snake eyes. :/ That was suuuuch a cute piercing. I just had to take it out for the safety of my teeth. I kept accidentally clamping down on one of the balls when eating, and it would cause tiny fractures. Do you change your phone background a lot? No. Have you ever made someone so mad that they broke something? No. Have you ever been strip searched? No. Do you have a funny last name? Does anyone make fun of it? It's not funny-sounding, no, I just think it's too manly for me to enjoy as part of my name. Ever have a drug overdose? What did you OD on exactly? Yes. Oddly enough, I don't remember what I OD'd on now... You'd think I would, given how extreme the situation was. It was some cold medicine. Do you get sick of people who call themselves bipolar all the time? I absolutely do. It's extremely insensitive to people like myself who legitimately suffer - and I do mean "suffer" - from the disorder. Describe your day so far in three words: Dull. Lazy. Anxious. What was the most stressful project you had so far/while in school? Probably my senior project and the presentation I had to do for it. I taught about the fallacies and misconceptions of snakes, and I made a PowerPoint and some drawings to color and crosswords for the special ed children. I was so, so very nervous, but I got through it fine and the kids seemed to enjoy it. I actually still have the recording. Choose one- Butterfinger, Milky Way, Snickers: MILKY WAY. FUCK I love those. Have you ever stepped in dog poop? UGH yes. What was the last thing you spent money on? My niece's birthday present. Have you ever slept in the same bed with the last person you kissed? Yeah. Is there a guy that knows a lot about you? I almost said "yes," but then I realized he doesn't know me at all anymore. I've changed so much, hopefully mostly for the better. He hasn't "known" me in many years. Is there someone you just can’t imagine your life without? It's terrifying to imagine my life without Mom; Sara, too. Do you prefer Starbucks coffee or small cafe coffee? I prefer no coffee. Would you ever consider getting a piercing in your septum? Nah. Do you enjoy being outdoors? If it's cool outside and I have somewhere to sit that's not the ground, yes. Do people tell you that you have an accent? Sometimes. Do you enjoy watching fireworks on the 4th of July? They're pretty, but I don't support their usage by this point in my life. They're a fire hazard, triggering to some vets with PTSD, and beyond terrifying for animals. What’re some unspeakable subjects for you? I get most heated about child molestation. You do not fucking touch a child like that. I don't even write any of my bajillion evil guys committing it in RP because I just can't stomach it. Even when my little sister (a children's social worker) is telling Mom about some stuff she sees at work, I have to not be present, 'cuz that shit isn't rare. It's nauseating. Is there anyone you would take a bullet for? A good number of people, honestly. Do you enjoy tanning? Hell no, I avoid the sun and heat at like all costs. Are you a virgin? This is going to sound weird, but I actually don't know, but I lean towards no. Who’s your celebrity crush? mARK EDWARD FISCHFUCK Did or do you get good grades in English class? I was always excellent in English. What part of your body are you self-conscious about? My stomach. But I'm self-conscious about everything else, too. Are you expected to help fix Thanksgiving dinner? No. Everyone knows I can't cook worth a damn. Have you ever lost anyone close to cancer? Truly close, no. Unless you include pets, actually. Then a few. :/ Do you personally know anyone who is transgender? Yep. When was the last time you got a shot? Earlier this year for Covid. Get your fucking vaccine, btw. :^)

[ilovejevsjeans]

The inner steel behind Ricciardo’s smile – and why McLaren wanted it

Daniel Ricciardo is probably the smiliest, happiest Formula 1 driver there has ever been. Rarely, if ever, do you see the Australian frowning, even on the toughest of days – and, he’s had a few of those in F1. But that doesn’t mean he does not care – or that he doesn’t get angry. Quite the opposite in fact…

Punching through doors - literally

It's the autumn of 2018 and Ricciardo is having a torrid year, so much so he’s already shocked the F1 world by announcing he’s dumping Red Bull for Renault for 2019. After six races, he’d won two Grands Prix and was considered an outside contender for the title. But since his win in Monaco, he’s not stood on the rostrum since.

The frustration gradually builds. And at the United States Grand Prix in Austin he can keep a lid on it no more.

His race is just eight laps old when a mechanical problem forces him to retire from fourth. It’s his seventh DNF of the year. To make matters worse, team mate Max Verstappen finishes second after starting 18th.

“I scared myself in Austin 2018,” said Ricciardo, as we chatted on a sofa in the Renault hospitality unit, back in pre-season testing. “I remember walking back to the pits. I had the sympathy from everyone but I felt I had so much sympathy this year, it means nothing.

“I got back to my room and I started punching the door in my room. It was cheap material and I put my hand through it. Then my hand followed through and hit a metal bracket.

“Then I kicked it, and it went through into Max’s room. He was still on track, so it was fine. When he walked back, his trainer messaged us that night and said thanks for decorating my room.

“Then my hand started to swell. I got a little ultrasound machine to check if the bone was broken. For an hour or so, I was really dark on myself, because I was like, ‘I’ve just broke my hand’.

“But I hadn’t! I iced it the next three days because then we went to Mexico straight after. I was hoping ‘please be OK for Mexico’ and it was fine. The physio did the ultrasound thing, he said if you feel a tingly feeling, it means you’ve got a fracture. I didn’t even want him to do it. I didn’t want to know. But he said I had to do it. So he ran it over, and I really thought I was going to feel something – and I didn’t...”

Ordinarily, you’d expect your Team Principal to give you the hairdryer treatment for such an indiscretion, considering it could have stopped him driving. But that didn’t happen. Red Bull boss Christian Horner and Red Bull Motorsport Advisor Helmut Marko kept schtum given the circumstances.

“It was one of those situations where, because I had such a bad run, they couldn’t get angry at me for getting angry. It was just an awkward thing. But it was OK!”

Finding – and addressing – his weaknesses

Ricciardo has had similar frustration since joining Renault, the Australian managing just 54 points last year, with only one top-five finish. That is well below the high bar Ricciardo sets for himself, a seven-time race winner and scorer of 29 podiums, even if Renault were a midfield rather than race-winning package.

While sometimes there was disappointment with the team, when a mechanical issue had caused a DNF, there’s also plenty of frustration within himself. And here lies one of Ricciardo’s greatest strengths – but also one of his biggest pressures.

“I’m only hard on myself because two things – experience has taught me that brushing things under the carpet, you’re not going to learn,” says Ricciardo. “If you fully expose yourself, you will find your weaknesses and you’ll have a chance to improve and build on those. I’ve hate hearing excuses – I’ll watch other sports and I’m like ‘Dude, that’s just an excuse’. I don’t want to be that guy. Because someone is going to see this! I’d rather be honest, put my hands up!

“It also reminds people that we are human. We are professionals and sometimes we shouldn’t make silly errors, because this is our profession, but it does happen and there’s variables.

“And then the other side I’m hard on myself because I know what I’m capable of, I have that belief. When I’m hard on myself, I know I could have done better. There was Mexico qualifying last year, where I legitimately avoided the TV pen because I was too worked up.

“I went around the back trying to find something I could punch and break, because I just had so much anger in myself. The car wasn’t perfect, and I was frustrated at that, but deep down, I should be better. The car is never going to be perfect.

“I should be better, I should be able to find a way and I didn’t, I just wanted to break something.”

Keeping perspective

For the record, he didn’t find anything to break – “I need to see destruction, I need an inanimate object” – but he did calm himself down. “I took a few deep breaths – and it was fine. I am hard on myself because I really do believe in myself.”

Ricciardo doesn’t let the misery linger, though, which is why that smile is back so quickly. “I can also relatively quickly just change perspective in things,” he says. “Why am I furious right now? OK, it’s because the engine blew. It’s not in my control, so I can’t be angry with myself.

“It’s about perspective. I never want to be that guy in the room. Also, if it’s something like an engine failure, the team is already down. The Renault guys, for example, must feel like complete shit. If I start throwing things around in front of them, it’s not helping. They know they have work to do, things to figure out. I don’t need to compound that any more. Sometimes it does linger, but normally 24 hours and I’m good.”

Being a great racing driver isn’t just about speed – it’s about so much more.

Ricciardo has the speed, of that there is no doubt. But it is the pressure that he puts on himself to deliver, combined with his sense of perspective and desire to work with his team to push forward, which makes him such an attractive driver proposition.

And that is why McLaren snapped him up, having missed out on his services before, to partner Lando Norris next year. The Australian in a Mercedes-powered McLaren could – and should – be a formidable proposition. (X)

[80s-roger]

invisible man - Roger Taylor x Fem!Reader

summary: Roger is your neighbour and he’s been stalking you since the day you moved in opposite him. You caught him tonight and it’s going to be hella hot.

warnings: make out, protected sex, squirt

words:  2.265

masterlist

"Won't you come with us to the new pub downtown?" Brian asked when the recording session was done for today.

"No, I am tired..." Roger declined politely. Too rare for him.

"Tired or..." Freddie teased as he was wearing his leather jacket.

"You know Roger, it's totally fine if there's a girl!" John smiler.

"Kind of, we'll see." Roger nodded and left the studio when the rest members went to the new pub.

Roger has been your stalker since the day you moved in the neighbourhood he lives. You've noticed none of what he's doing. You actually know a rock star lives nearby your home but never made the effort to get to know him. He stays at his window all night watching you either sleep or undress which is his favourite one. All thanks to the telescope Brian got him for his 34th birthday. Tonight you caught him watching you over his telescope.

You just got home after a long ass work shift. Your male boss disrespects you and that shit drives your crazy. You overwork but you're underpaid just because you're a woman. You took off your working clothes, now you were watching yourself from the mirror before heading to the shower until a reflection from the mirror landing to the wall, distracting you. You felt something was wrong. As you turn your head to the window you notice a man watching you. And that man is the rock star. You knew that was his house. You felt embarrassed not knowing how many times he has done it before. You rapidly cover the window with the purple curtains and cover yourself with a dress you had behind the door so you could kick his ass by asking explanations. Roger was confused. He didn't know he caused the reflection neither you were coming to his place.

You aggressively knock his door. The second he opens the door, you take a moment to realise Roger Taylor from Queen was eventually the man who lives opposite you, yet he's the guy who was watching you. You both take a minute to process the situation.

"Oh you must be the new neighbour..." He awkwardly says when his hand was placed in his chest area under his blue suit.

"And you must be the neighbour who watches me with his telescope!" You were angry but also tired of your today's shift.

"N-no! I'm afraid you're mistaken!" He tried to save it but you didn't believe a word.

"Cut the bullshit, I saw you! Tell me how many times have you been doing it?" You asked and felt your blood boiling inside you.

"Just once!" He answered but you looked him in disbelief. "Or twice." his voice lowered. You crossed your arms, not believing a word. "Fine, since the day you moved into the neighbourhood." He finally admitted and your gaze was calmer than before. You were flattered a man like him watching you but it can be creepy too, right? But hey, you missed receiving some flirting. You were focused on your work all this time, you forgot about meeting new guys or even have some fun.

"At least you're honest now." You giggled. "Can I come in?" You politely asked.

"Y-yeah of course." He made way for you to get into his huge house. Makes sense for a rockstar. As you walked through his living room he looked kinda nervous. "Would you like a drink? I think it's finally time to know each other regardless of the circumstances." He awkwardly laughed but you laughed with his attitude. He was literally watching you all this time and now he acts like a child. You couldn't deny how handsome he was. His fluffy blond hair, his bright blue ocean eyes, his attitude. Dear God, you haven't felt complete as a woman for a long time. As you sat on his couch you were staring at the entire room like it was some kind of art. You could feel the heat coming from the radiators the minute you felt calmer, probably Roger turned them on to make you feel better in no time. Or he's trying to persuade you.

"Y/n, here's your drink." He offered the glass as he sat down next to you.

"Um, how do you know my name?" You curiously asked.

"I've been stalking you since the day you moved in. You think a name would be an obstacle to me?" he laughed as he took a sip from his whiskey. "I guess you know my name by now." He seriously said like he's a God you would worship.

"Yeah, of course, I do..." you nodded. "But when it comes to my name I don't know if I should creep out or be flattered." You laughed and followed his action.

"Be flattered because you're way too beautiful to be devastated. You've been a mess for a long time. Is there something wrong?" He asked looking worried but you felt shocked, knowing he's seen you this way. You should keep these curtains closed anyways. "You don't have to answer you know..." He added, making you feel comfortable.

"I'm actually really stressed." You started. "My boss keeps insulting me and I'm not even paid like my male colleagues are. This is unfair." You let out a breath, now your eyes getting blurry from the tears ready to fall. "It's been happening for two years, I can't stand inequality. I've had enough of being treated like I don't worth my position in that damn bank." You rested your head at the couch's back and cleared your eyes. You could feel Roger looking at you but he was unable to say a word.

"It's work that stresses you too much, huh?" He asked and put his glass on the table.

"I actually love my job... My boss treats me like shit." You eventually cried, thinking the reason he treats you this way.

"Why don't you talk to someone who's on a higher position than he's?" He asked. "Oh... y/n please don't cry..." His gentle fingertips took away your tears from your cheeks, feeling the desire among you. That was undoubtfully mutual.

"He's been assaulting me because I refused going out with him. Many were the times he insulted me in front of my colleagues saying nasty stuff." Υοu looked him in his eyes. You knew you liked Queen's drummer since the beginning but now it's different. You're opening your heart to him.

"Oh... Come here..." He pulled you closer. He pulled you in his arms, feeling what you missed the most. A man taking care of you. Let's be honest, you've been single for a lot of time and a hug is enough to knock you off of your feet. His eyes locked with yours. You've never felt this way before. His lips met yours and it was all so sudden you couldn't process the situation. His kiss was warm and everything you needed but it was over your limits.

"I'm sorry." You rapidly said, trying to get out of his warm hug. "I shouldn't have indulged myself this way." you pulled away and you could now see his eyes getting darker. You refused his affection and now you feel guilty too. Guilt took over and you stood up, attempting to leave his house. You never wanted to cry like a baby towards a man you just met. "I have to go..." you tried running but he stopped you. His hand grabbed yours and you looked him back to his eyes.

"Y/n please stay! Please... This is the first time I get to know you the way I want to. I know you want it too. Please." He was begging you for sex. He was begging for it for months but he couldn't meet you before. Now it's time to get to know him. You surely wanted to feel like a woman again. You haven't been laid for months and you want it now. And he wants it too.

"Do you really think I'm this type of woman?" you asked feeling easy.

"No definitely not. It's just- fuck. I want you, I desire you. Do I make any sense? You've been in my mind since the day you moved in opposite me, I'm not joking." His hands wrapped yours and his eyes wouldn't stop looking inside yours.

"I think you make sense..." you answered. You wanted to be laid, you needed it.

"I mean... Can I?" He asked for your permission to go on. You didn't talk. You were just looking at him.

"I haven't had it for a long of time so don't judge, okay?" You insecurely said.

"Same y/n." He came closer to you and his hands wrapped your waist, pulling you even closer to him and his bulge.

His lips met yours again, feeling the warm sense at your mouth and your body. Now you keep away your issues and the rules you've made to yourself. No one night stands. You didn't care now, it was all about feeling the pleasure and the desire. "Shall we go to my bedroom?" He asked, interrupting the steamy kiss. You nodded without saying a word. That kiss awakened your sexual desires.

You climbed on him, with your legs around his waist and your lips at his neck, giving him sweet and wet kisses. He could do that at the moment but he was too focused on the stairs.

His bedroom was huge and there was the telescope facing your bedroom's window. He gently threw you on his king-sized bed and it was hella soft and comfortable. He immediately removed his suit, staying chest-naked in front of you and now you had to do it too with your easy-to-be-taken-off dress in which you were braless. You spread your legs so now he could have access to your bodies colliding.

"You're so beautiful y/n..." He whispered to your ear, sending you shivers. You haven't heard that for such a long time. You knew by then how wet you are.

"Can't say the opposite." You slightly laughed to his ear and now his hands were below the dress, around your hips, squeezing them gently and carefully. "Oh, please undress me..." you laid your head back anticipating the second you would be naked.

"You're so ready for me..." He answered and with one fast move, he legitimately removed your dress, now only on your wet panties. "Not even a bra? So naughty from you." He bit his lip and placed his head at your chest, giving you kisses that would tickle you, but it didn't matter as long as sex was about to happen.

"Ah fuck..." You moaned when his hand went under your panties, rubbing your clit and now you were so horny, you would die from anticipation.

"Fuck, you're already wet. That was fast..." He smirked without interrupting your lips contact.

He took off his jeans, now his underwear was the remaining fabric that covered his boner. At the sight of himself jerking off and being prepared you took off your panties, rubbing with round circles your pussy, waiting for him to fuck you. "You better hurry, I'm so needy for it." You said and laid yourself at the back, now your head's rested on his pillows.

"So am I love..." He climbed on top of you, wore his condom and ready to thrust inside you. "Just tell me. How long? You better remember this night." He said with confidence.

"Must be half a year, I don't remember." You felt sad thinking about how undesirable you could be at that time.

"Oh love, you better enjoy it now. Do you have a safe word?" He asked as he caressed your cheek.

"It's just stop." You said as you don't have any safe words. Stop means stop, right?

"I like that." He bit his lip and gave you a deep kiss before entering your vagina.

His dick was inside you, filling you up entirely. It felt really good. It was that thing you missed. His soft moanings against your ears and his hips moving harmonically against you was everything you wanted. His eyes wouldn't stop tracking your emotions through your eyes.

"You're so good around me. Fuck..." He moaned.

"It feels so nice Rog..." You answered as the feeling of coming was near.

"You should have been doing it already..." You said with heavy breaths.

"You have no idea how long I waited for this." He smoothly said when he thrust a bit harder inside you and then you let out a softly louder moan. "Want it faster?" He asked before going that tempo.

He raised his eyebrow as you told him that. Confidence took over and now it's hell. It was faster and definitely better, both of you on the edge of coming. "Rog, I-i'm gonna c-"

"Hold it together baby, just a few seconds..." He interrupted you but now you have to hold it a little more.

"Rog seriously I can't!" You were feeling your legs shaking and now he felt it too as waves of pleasure, hit him like a truck. He was rubbing your clit, now it gets crazier. It's coming.

"Ah holy shit." He loudly moaned when he took himself off you and so did you. And right there, water-like liquids popped out of your pussy and Roger looked at you shocked. "Holy hell, that was hot." He said at the sight of you squirting.

"Yeah I usually do that." you laughed and now he went to his bathroom cleaning himself from the mess.

"We should have sex more often then. We should even start going out. Ain't leaving you now when our sex life is gonna be lit." You heard him laughing and you couldn't help but agree.

[panharmonium]

Author Interview

Tagged by @jedirangerpenguin, who is one of my oldest friends from way back in our Star Wars days <3 I don't think the two of us have been active in the same fandom together for years, and yet I am still always so psyched to see her on my dash, posting fic and being awesome and creative - JRP, if I ever go back and finish playing the Mass Effect games, you will be the first person I talk to! :D

Name: Pan!

Fandoms: In terms of fandoms for which I produce writing - Star Wars, Teen Wolf, and Merlin.

Where You Post: My fic tag for simple, unpolished stuff.  AO3 for finalized works.

Most Popular One-Shot: Technically I have a work skin enabled on AO3 that hides stats from me (and i LOVE it; cannot recommend this function highly enough; do not know how I ever used to live without it), so I don't actually know the answer to this in terms of hits or kudos, because I can't see those elements.  By comments/bookmarks, I think it's Though Lovers Be Lost, which is a Obi-Wan-centric fic that I wrote for my dear friend dyingsighs.

Most Popular Multi-Chapter Story: By comments/bookmarks, I think it's Take My Waking Slow.  Also a Star Wars fic, about Obi-Wan and young Anakin, set in the immediate post-TPM era.  (I...hesitate to really call it multi-chapter???  Because it's more like 3 vignettes.  But technically it is three chapters on AO3, so.)

Favorite Story You Wrote:  Wheel of the Year (my ~100k BBC Merlin fic set pre-Camelot, in Ealdor, focusing on Merlin and Will).  I spent over a year working on this monster every single day, and now that it's finally posted, I feel weird not having it on my daily schedule.  I miss hanging out in that world every day - thinking about it makes me emotional.  It was just such a big part of my life for so long, and writing it was like - okay, this is going to sound dramatic, but the process legitimately changed my life.  

Story You Were Nervous to Post: Also Wheel of the Year.  It's a very niche topic, so I knew that it probably wasn't going to see much engagement despite the massive amount of work I put into it (which is not a complaint by any means; I knew this would be the case from the moment I started working on it, so I was fully aware of what I was getting into).  I just had to make sure I was emotionally ready for that, once it was time to post. X)  And more importantly, I had worked on it for so long and poured so much of myself into it that putting it up to be VIEWED, by STRANGERS, in PUBLIC, when I had kept it safe with me in my room for over a year, felt like stripping naked.  

How You Choose Your Titles: No particular method.  Titles are the last thing I think about when I'm writing.  Usually they just emerge during the process.  For Wheel of the Year, I had the title pretty early on, because the eight sections of the actual ‘wheel of the year’/cycle of seasons concept provided the frame for the fic’s eight chapters.

Complete: On my AO3 page, four SW fics and two Merlin fics.  I've been on there since 2014...I am not a fast writer. X)

Incomplete: Works in Progress is a series of SW vignettes that will probably never be finished, unless I take a tumble back into active SW fandom (the title, weirdly, has nothing to do with the fact that the fic is incomplete; it was supposed to be a reference to Anakin's in-progress training and Obi-Wan's development as a master).  I have ~50k of Teen Wolf stuff on my drive that I do eventually want to get back to, when I'm not on such a serious Merlin kick.  And then Merlin-wise, the 'Will Comes to Camelot' AU is a perpetually in-progress project that I work on for fun, whenever I have time or need a break from my other stuff.

Do You Outline? Not in the traditional A, B, C sense.  I always thought that I *should* be that kind of writer - I am definitely a hyper-detailed, ‘needs to be in control of everything, plans for absolutely every contingency' person - and I have tried to be that kind of writer all my life.  But working on my last project showed me once and for all that against all odds, I am not an outliner; I am a discovery writer who just does a truckload of back-end editing.  I don't know why; I can’t explain it.  But it is what it is.  

I do prep for longer pieces, though.  Mostly what that looks like for me is a huge Google doc for each fic where I record ideas, imagery, dialogue, mini-scenes, etc as they come to me (so like this can be over days or weeks or however long the idea is marinating) and that will often organically generate a loose flow.  For Wheel of the Year, the prep looked like me doing months of research, taking notes in eight different books, reading an uncountable number of articles, and making a hand-drawn poster of the medieval farming year in a sketchbook too big for my desk.

Coming Soon/Not Yet Started: My current project is a multi-chapter Merlin BBC fic set immediately post-Season 3.  I also have the next segment of the 'Will Comes to Camelot' AU mostly done, though again, I only work on that one in the intervals between other things, so it might be a while before that goes up.  And I'll soon be (re)posting the 'Reincarnation AU but this time Will gets to come back' fic that I recently wrote for merlinobsessionist, because I've actually done real edits and re-writes on it now, and soon I'll be uploading it to AO3 in a polished form.

Do You Accept Prompts?  No.  But I will sometimes spontaneously write fic based on something a friend sent or said to me.  The “Will Comes to Camelot" AU was spawned completely from a message that an absolute HERO of an anon sent me, so - sometimes things happen. :D

Upcoming Story You Are Most Excited to Write: I'm always most excited for whatever I'm working on right this second, haha.  But in a general sense, I am excited for the day when I can click on my AO3 page and see an extensive list of stuff sporting Will's character tag, because my personal mission in fandom is to saturate the Archive with high-quality fic featuring my favorite minor character. =P

Tagging: @merlinobsessionist, @vampiratesinaboat, @bobafett, @outpastthemoat, @madasthesea (only if folks are interested, as always!)  

[halberdierminister]

it’s the last day of june you know what that means

1. Write 250 Words Each Day

I did this most days! And I covered up for days that I didn't by writing more on later days. You know what, I like this plan. I like how this works. 2. Read 55 Books This Year I crossed that threshold last month! I read 10 books this month alone, which puts me now at 66 books for the year! Let's see how far we can take this! 3. Get A Full Time Job Still only have a part time job. BUT I did completely rebuild my resume from the ground up and now it is objectively awesome and maybe a little bit sexy but you didn't hear that from me. I also applied to a job that I have a pretty good lead on. Things are opening up now. I would have applied to more jobs this very week but this was also the week that my parents decided I needed to spend doing tremendous amounts of yardwork and yes I know I am just passing off the blame but you know what when I spend several hours moving dirt in 87 F weather to fix a yard that isn't mine through no will or benefit of my own, I am allowed to be a little snippy about it. 4. Move Out God. Ugh. 5. Drink Less Soda It's really easy to drink less soda than I did last year. Or the year before. God I used to drink so much soda. I am drinking a lot less soda now. I also started drinking water more regularly so I guess that's a neat side goal. 6. Get Something Published No new acceptances or publications this month, but I submitted poems to two places this month and I applied to be in another fanzine and started writing that piece even though I have no idea if I will be accepted or not. (still have had 3 things published so far this year and at least 1 confirmed on the way!!!) 7. Finish Writing A Legitimate Businessman Finished in April! I added another chapter to the sequel this month. Don't expect those frequently. 8. Write More The Revelation of Takaya According to Jin Finished in February! MINOR GOALS 9. Finish Playthroughs Of 1. The Legend of Zelda Breath of the Wild: Finished in January 2. Persona 3 Portable 100%: I've decided to give up on this and that's okay. 3. Persona 1 Main Quest Good Ending: I thought real hard about doing this! But I didn't. 4. Pokemon Sword Post Game Plot: Finished in March. Since I sold my copy, I haven't bought the DLC at all either. Might do that when they're both out and I can get a new copy. This is Low Priority. 5. Pokemon Let's Go Eevee: Beat the Elite Four and captured Mewtwo in February, completed the Pokedex in March! Yes there's still stuff to do but this counts as literally two victories. 6. Persona Q2: Picked this back up again this month. I have now finished the third dungeon and am about to start the fourth. I suppose this is going to be the part where the interesting plot kicks in but it's going to do a HELL of a lot of heavy lifting.

10. Record More Ukulele Videos I did not. But I now probably have a good space to record them so… we shall see?? We shall see. 11. Record Let's Plays I am not allowed to play video games. While I certainly still do, talking while playing them would draw a great deal of attention to myself, and that is how you get caught playing video games when you are not supposed to be playing video games.

12. Duolingo? My streak is at 176 days, I've got level 1 in every category, level 5 in 14 categories with another one poised to reach level 5 today, I finished #1 in the Sapphire League last week and fully intend to finish #1 in the Ruby League this week and I guess that means I'm doing okay at relearning Spanish.

This was exactly seven hundred words.

[whoslaurapalmer]

for the directors cut thingy what are you doing the rest of your life? this is one of if not my most favorite warm fuzzy lemonberryice fic so any part of it you want to talk about, but especially the bit starting with “‘I wouldn’t run,’ I said. ‘And I will thank you not to point out my previous track record of doing just that’”

thank you!!!!!!! also, true to form, this is, so long, cause i just did the whole thing. what else would i do. the tl;dr of it all is that when i write fic, i am always thinking about writing structure and individual characterization and what the point of any given story is above all else, and that consumes a lot of brain power. and that you could give me any line in a fic and i will have an incredibly specific anecdote for it. 

the first lemonberry ice i wrote!! what a time. i specifically tagged it as ‘very little angst and no one dies!!!’ because i’d just posted beatrice like. three months before??? and i said to myself ‘hmm. i don’t want people to think all i can write is angst......’ so i wanted the fic to be like, look! nothing bad happens here this time!! it’s all good!!!!!!!!! and i had wanted to write something happy!! i like fluff a lot!! 

like bertrand, i was also searching for the right sinatra song for this fic. if it isn’t obvious, by now, three years later, i love sinatra a lot. on my previous laptop, the file for this fic was still titled after the first song the fic was supposed to be about, but when i backed up everything in googledrive i titled it properly, so the file name is the proper one now, but i’m, 99% sure the original song was i get a kick out of you (specifically this super jazzy one, not the one with the opener, it’s slower and doesn’t sound the same). but LIKE WITH EVERY CHOICE I MAKE IN A FIC i wasn’t sure it really captured what the fic was about. especially the “you obviously don’t adore me” line, because the fic was certainly more upbeat than that. so i dug around on youtube for one i thought fit better and found what are you doing the rest of your life. for three people, living such turbulent and unpredictable lives, to hear this song about always wanting to be there, for everything, no matter what it is, and for the rest of their lives, to admit that’s possible............ i couldn’t find a recording of young!sinatra singing it, though, which bummed me out a little. nothing wrong with old!sinatra, but you can start to hear more of the.....age his voice, you know? 

since this was 2017, only the first netflix season was out, and we all still had such high hopes for it, and i sure did, and tito puente was mentioned in miserable mill and because s1 was so good i didn’t mind making a couple references to it because EVERYTHING WAS BEAUTIFUL, and i just wound up sticking him in beatrice and what are you doing the rest of your life because his music was great and it was a fun callback! simpler times indeed........

my main goal with the fic was, i think, to try and figure out how i thought the three of them worked in a relationship, since it was my first time writing them. which is why there’s really specific lines like, “A year had gone by and I still wasn’t used to how free Bertrand was with his affection.” and “I grinned, because after all this time I knew when she was kidding. Beatrice’s razor-sharp wit, and the touches of playfulness behind it, was one of my favorite things about her.” they’re lines that i still think are absolutely in character for lemony, and i probably wouldn’t change them if i wrote it now, but i do feel they’re a little too, on point. or not on point, just.....obvious. like, not only did the lines have to make sense in the style, but they had to make sense, for me, as i was writing, as i was trying to figure out their characters and what would show lemony’s nerves alongside bea and bertrand’s habits and their relationship as a whole, and that’s a lot to try and do

“‘Sonnets,’ I said. ‘Beatrice will write sonnets.’” truly. i am truly haunted by this line now. it will keep me up at night. 

oh boy, that section is. a lot. i gotta go through the whole thing. i do. 

“I wouldn’t run,” I said. “And I will thank you not to point out my previous track record of doing just that, because they were all for relatively legitimate reasons.” I liked to think that I wouldn’t do it again, if the sort of situation arose where it was something I had to consider. (i think every writer in this fandom will admit that one of the hardest things to do, when writing a happy fic, is trying to find the line between, ‘i cannot avoid the legit canon events that have happened to these characters and turned them into the people they are, and i need to address that, no matter what i’m doing’ and ‘i want them to be happy and they deserve it’ and i think that’s a lot of what this section is. referencing how in canon lemony runs to not necessarily avoid his problems, but also, mainly, i think, because he believes 1) that’s the only way to protect the people he cares about and 2) that they’re better off without him, and how there’s definitely a gap between him leaving stain’d-by-the-sea and returning to the city, where anything happened, that counts as ‘leaving,’ and it was also supposed to reference one of the giant fics i was working on at the time, where the climax was, of course, and like any good slow burn fic, a misunderstanding that involved lemony leaving before reconciling with bea and bertrand. this fic would’ve taken place after it.) I liked to think that marriage wasn’t one of those things, because it was something I genuinely wanted. (2017!me had no idea what 2019!me would do......) But the uncertainties of the world sometimes made even that lovely thing seem so far out of my grasp that, if I was honest with myself, I had considered slipping away into the night so that I wouldn’t ruin anything else. It was an upsetting thing to think, but I had thought of it as much as I had thought about those musical numbers. (i still think about that, sometimes. lemony and bertrand, proposing like true theater nerds.) 

Bertrand looked out over the water. “Do you think I’m not scared too, Lemony? About the things we do, the positions we put ourselves in, whether this assignment or the next one will be the one that takes one of you away from us?” (my mental checklist of things i write include ‘lulu, is there a moment in the fic where like, The Point Of The Fic Is Made,’ like the moment where it all comes together and, this is what the fic was For an What It’s Supposed To Say, and that’s what this scene was for, and it’s definitely in what bertrand’s saying here.) (but because it’s 2017, like some of the earlier lines, i feel as if The Point is Too On Point. but it’s something i still struggle with, even now.) (it’s still important for bertrand to say it, though.....) 

“No,” I said. “I’m not that much of a fool to think that my fears aren’t universal.”

“Sometimes you act like you do,” Bertrand said quietly. “And I am under no delusion that our feelings for each other will fix any or all of our problems. But they can be a little easier to deal with that way, when you know you aren’t alone. You know that, don’t you?” (i had a lot of characterization notes around this fic (and the giant fic i was writing) since i was, again, just writing them and trying to figure out how they all worked, so i had a little list of like, what each of them do for the other, and parts of it were “bertrand prevents beatrice and lemony from being too dramatic, bertrand prevents lemony from being too self-deprecating, lemony allows bertrand to feel less self-conscious (and probably less worried because bertrand knows someone else shares his terrible anxieties)” and there are things i write differently now, because i’ve been at it for a while, but it was important for me to figure out how they connected with each other and....not what they offered each other, and certainly not how they fixed each other, but how each of them lessened certain canon elements that would make their relationship go differently. because again all my lemonberry ice fics (with the exception of the letter) are written from a standpoint where they would rewrite canon, especially this one. anyway, that’s.....that’s what that dialogue was supposed to do. when all three of them are together, they’re capable of being that support for each other and evening each other out.) 

I wanted very much to believe that, but every time Beatrice or Bertrand said it, it never seemed to sink in the way it should. It is one thing to love someone, or multiple someones, to love them so much you often can’t think of anything else, but another thing to trust them and the things they say and yourself, especially when you live the kind of lives that we lived. (i hate to keep bringing up years i know it’s like. weird but it’s how i sort where my brain was, and 2017 was a great year for analysis in this fandom and i don’t remember who exactly had brought up, that lemony sees a difference between love and trust, especially after ellington (he loved her but he didn’t trust her), and that’s something that’s so true that i’ve never forgotten and that gets brought up in other fics too (bea in the letter loving lemony but not trusting him.....). there are certain headcanons, of my own and of others, that i tend to just get, attached to, so they just. keep. happening.) Perhaps I did forget about it sometimes, the terrible recklessness with which Beatrice occasionally acted, how Bertrand tended to be much too quiet at times, the things all of us did when we forgot we weren’t alone. (yet another ‘line that has to work in the narrative and Say The Point’ because that really is a big thing in how i structure stories. i feel like it’s so necessary for there to BE a point to each thing i write, ESPECIALLY in shorter pieces, otherwise, why???????? and you know what, i need to be less strict about that, really.) The three of us were not perfect people, not by any means, but three imperfect people doing what they can for each other in a turbulent world is sometimes better than three perfect people going through life without a care about anything else. (i rewrote this line a few times, but it’s one of my favorites. this fic really has aged well, especially with lemony’s narration, this line in particular.) 

I squeezed Bertrand’s hand and didn’t say anything more.

speaking of lemony’s whole love vs. trust thing and my rewriting, i tend to keep most of what i cut out of a fic, especially while i’m trying to figure out a certain line (although sometimes i’ll just rewrite over it and then it’s lost to time), and the file has my original attempts for this scene, which still had some good lines -- 

I think it is a universally accepted truth that if you love someone, you trust them, in one way or another, but I have never felt that way. there have been quite a few people whom I loved a great deal but didn’t trust them, or people that I knew I could trust to act a certain way but certainly didn’t love at all. I believe it comes with the sort of upbringing that involves a great deal of suspicion for even the people around you.

the circumstances around you meeting them. but sometimes also because of the things they do. or you can not love someone at all and trust them, because you know them to be a horrible person and trust that they will continue to act in horrible ways, and that at the bottom of every root beer float you drink in their presence there will be a small collection of thumbtacks.

bertrand looked out over the water. “we love you very much, lemony,” he said, “and I don���t expect that to fix any or all of our problems. but do you trust that we feel that way?”

I did. or I wanted to. the thing about trust is that it is a very difficult thing, and as much as I wanted to spend the rest of my life between the two of them, the amount of uncertainty I felt about myself and our lives and even about that uncertainty was a heavy thing.

“what if it’s not enough?”

“maybe it’s not,” bertrand admitted. “but it’s good enough.”

“‘Hey, hey!’ Beatrice said, snatching the plate from him. ‘Don’t be like that with the good plates.’” still one of my favorite actions. still makes me laugh, even though now i think bea would be the one to be reckless with dishware. 

and beatrice talking about their apartment being too small for children is a top favorite fic ending. i love her. so much. 

[gibsonmusicart]

The Real Truth Behind Pay To Play

By Chris Standring

Few things get my goat. "Pay To Play" has always been one of them, as long as I can remember. Until recently. For those of you who are not familiar with this concept I will briefly explain. I should preface this article by saying that there are indeed many other band-booking scenarios. This article is specific to one and one only. Also, the concept of pay to play is rife in big US cities such as Los Angeles and New York. It may not exist in certain countries. It's not a perfect world, just the one that we live in. Ok, with that little disclaimer aside, I will continue.... An unknown (and unproven) band will approach a club booker and try to get their act booked on a certain date. The booker listens to the band's CD and decides that they are worthy of public attention and agrees to give the band a date. There are two ways this will pan out. First, about 300 tickets will be printed up and sold to the band by the club. The band then sell these tickets to their fans and do their promotional job inticing people to come see their show. It is in the bands interest to sell all the tickets otherwise they are out of pocket and end up "paying to play". The second way is where a contract is issued to the band explaining that they need to have a certain amount of people in the club for them to make a profit, lets say 100. If 100 people do not show up and pay 5 bucks to get in, the remaining amount is due to the club. So if a band only fill that club with 50 people, then 50 people (that haven't paid $5) is due to the club. The band end up paying the club $250.00 Ok so now we have that understood let's try to get a new perspective on this. Although I have always abhored this behaviour from club bookers I have a new attitude to it, something that changed once I started touring as a recording artist, promoting my own records. What all bands want is a nice guarantee to perform at venues and start making a profit. However, as a new unproven artist, one has absolutely no market share. This is essentially "ticket value". If a promoter wants to book The Eagles to play live then he knows that this band has an enormous fanbase and can guarantee an audience. He then does a deal with the bands' agent who later accepts. The promoter is initially out of pocket but with low risk as he has done the numbers and knows that he will turn a profit with this proven act. The new artist has no market price as this band is unknown. Therefore a club booker cannot offer a guarantee because he is at risk with this band. It is therefore the band's responsibility to take the risk. Usually the band does take a hit because it cannot draw a crowd and ends up out of pocket. Now the band has an attitude about giving away free entertainment! But this is business. A product needs to be proven to work before other business people decide to get involved and give away money. Here is something that opened my eyes once I got in the record game. A manager friend of mine said to me as I signed my first record deal, "Welcome Chris, now you're off to the races let's see how much money you lose in the first year!" Now there's encouragment I thought. Wise words however and I took heed... As my first radio single took off on the airwaves I started to get invitations to perform at radio station events and promotional functions. Most radio stations like to have annual events they call "listener parties" where they invite thousands of listeners to an event they put on and invite lets say 3 bands to perform. The first two artists will be proven stars, the third (little old me in this example) what they call a "new rising star". The first two bands may be offered a guarantee to perform, but quite possibly not. Usually if money is offered for radio events it will be minimal as they expect record label tour support. Sponsers sometimes jump on board and offer free hotel and air so ostensibly the radio station end up coming just a little out of pocket to promote their event. So, I am invited to perform at one of these listener parties but the radio station only want to pay $1500.00 assuming that my label will kick in the rest. I go back to my label and ask for a further $2000.00. The event is on the east coast and I have to fly 4 other guys as their is no air sponsor. Air tickets are costing $595 each as it's peak summertime. That's $2975.00 before I have even paid my sidemen! My label agree to kick in $1500 and that's it! So now I have a guaranteed budget of $3000 and my air fares for the band have tapped that! I absolutely have to pay my band as they should not have to take a hit, it's my career after all! I decide to try and do the show without a sax player. That will save me an air fare and show fee. Now my air fare is down to $2380.00. I'll pay my band $250.00 each to do this show. Now I am up to $3130.00 I am down $130.00 and I haven't paid myself a penny!!! Do I do the show? You're damn right I do, this listener party has 7000 people coming in checking me out, possibly buying my CD and becoming new fans. Now 3 years later and another hit record to my name I am being offered more healthy guarantees from promoters in the USA and Europe. Why? because I was smart in the beginning and made sure I got things to work when I needed them to. Now I even have musicians I call to do shows that live in New York, Los Angeles and London to make an even healthier profit. This is obviously not such a good idea if you are a 4 piece band but as a solo artist you can do this very effectively. By hiring musicians in London for a UK show I can save myself around $2400.00 That's a big slice if you do this on a regular basis! So understand one thing. You have to start small and build your fan base. Once you have a legitimate fan base, you can do good deals with promoters. In order to do this you need to localise. Build in one area and expand. It's a "baby step" program. Watch for the con artists, they do exist as I'm sure you know. Be smart. I love contracts, you should grow to love them too. Prove yourself. Build your market share and understand that "pay to play" does exist but it's nothing more than smart business. Once you have market worth, trust me promoters will be calling you offering healthy guarantees!

Source: Music-Articles.com

[jcmorrigan]

Right, since you asked me questions about my f/o, I'll fire some at you now! 1. Favourite place to go with them 2. How do you care for them when they are ill and vice versa 3. Had any playful arguments that you look at and go 'what were we doing??' I'll slide these over here and be on my way ;3

All right! So, as a reminder, I have three (3) romantic f/o’s - XR from Buzz Lightyear of Star Command, Tony Dracon from Gargoyles, and Giovanni Potage from Epithet Erased. And for this exercise, I am going to answer all three questions FOR ALL THREE OF THEM! (If you’re following me for something other than selfship and you don’t wanna see me ramble for three pages, please block the tag “selfship” now)

1. FAVORITE PLACE TO GO!

I hadn’t realized until I thought about it, but it always seems to come back to a rooftop in the city. You think I like city lights or something? I do. I love city lights. I love cities.

Anyway, with XR, I decided right away that our favorite planet is Trade World, seedy underbelly and all. We can kill time there forever (and probably waste all our money on stuff that isn’t important). I haven’t written it yet, but one of the ideas I had for writing us was that after the big love confession, we’d have our first date on a rooftop restaurant there and watch the lights come on as the sun set, at which point I very sappily draw a connection between my love of city lights and XR’s eyes.

As for Giovanni, I have this whole oneshot about our first kiss that revolves around us trying to find the most perfect and fittingly dramatic place for it, and I ended up putting us on a rooftop at the edge of town where the Sweet Jazz skyline would be our background in all its luminescent glory. I imagine we’d go back up to that building again and again to talk about things if we’re not chilling at home or a base of operations. Just watching the night.

Then for Tony? I admittedly hadn’t given it too much thought, but I immediately got an image of us on, guess what, a rooftop, but of a skyscraper in downtown NYC. Now, Gio and I had to break onto ours by scaling the fire escape ladders; Tony would bust locks and we’d just take the stairs up from the inside. And that’s where we slow-dance when we want to be alone. Bring up a whole portable stereo and a mix of the schmaltziest love rock-ballads (think, like, REO Speedwagon or Journey). Come to think of it, I actually don’t know whether he’s made the connection that the Gargoyles operate out of the Eyrie, so we would definitely look at the freaking castle above the clouds and go “Next target” without knowing the law and order of the town that plagues our existence roosts there.

I’m also working on an AU that is compliant with my “Taking Back the Crown” crossover universe, and in that one, I’m thinking I’d be polyamorous with all three. While I haven’t picked a favorite spot, I do know that particular s/i would live in Twilight Town, and since Final Fantasy is piecemeal AU’d into KH logic (whereas none of those three are from canon KH worlds but it’s an easy crossover gateway so their worlds would just be intact), I actually have this design that Rabanastre from FFXII would be the capital of the nation Twilight Town is in and a few hours’ train ride away, and the four of us just LOVE heading over there and probably scaling some rooftops.

2. CARING FOR THE SICK!

Let’s start with me, in general. I’m a huge hypochondriac. I fear germs. I’m not really that good at taking care of sick friends/family, but for a romantic partner, I’d try to step up my game. I’d be on call. Now, if they were just ordinary sick, I might see if they’d be okay staying home while I got work done, with the caveat that I have my phone on me and can answer whenever. They’re stricken with debilitating nausea and can’t leave the bed? I’ll play hooky. But I’ll try to keep a reasonable distance whenever possible (chatting with them from across the room, where I am planted in a chair that is far away from the bed) and use a surgical mask and gloves whenever approaching. Yes, that may sound heartless, but I still wanna be available to bring them whatever they need, just with my armor on. And I’m not me unless I’m a raging hypochondriac who thinks she’s coming down with what her boyfriend’s got every five seconds. The exception, of course, is XR, who I envision would get sick as a visual gag of having a “computer virus” and exhibit all the symptoms of a head cold without actually being contagious.

Tony is low-maintenance and insists he doesn’t need to be babied, so he’s not gonna even ask me for that much except company. Giovanni and XR are both absolutely complainers and going to whine at me every five minutes, which will inevitably make my heart melt.

As for when I’m sick…

XR loves playing “nurse” (kinda like I had him in this oneshot where I sprain my shoulder) and will get me everything I want. This is for somewhat selfish reasons so I will talk up how great of a boyfriend he is when I’m sick. Also, there’s a good chance that any medical supplies he brings me might be “borrowed without permission” from Star Command’s med bay. He WILL bring me illegal narcotics, and I WILL turn them down. He’ll also call in sick to work himself to take care of me - and also because it gives him an excuse to not turn in to work. We’ll likely end up binging shows cuddled up together if I’m not sleepy or too nauseous.

Tony isn’t all that attentive; he knows I’m a grown-up and can mostly handle myself. If I’m seriously incapacitated, he’ll watch over me, but in most cases, he’ll take off to get his own work done, same philosophy as me: call me if you need anything. He’s not gonna rush to bring me things, but he will do smaller gestures - brushing my hair back if I’m asleep before he leaves, etc. After business is taken care of, if I seem stable and not contagious, he’ll assist me in setting up on the couch with blankets aplenty on one end while he sits on the other, and really, all my f/o’s know that when I’m sick, I just wanna binge TV shows, so that’s what we do.

Giovanni freaks out. He also wants to get me everything I need, but he’s kinda not used to taking care of sick people, so he’ll be running around like a headless chicken asking me if I need various medical supplies that don’t at all apply to the kind of illness I have (such as a splint or a tourniquet). And soup. He will bring me so much soup. Hey, he’s good at making it, so I’m not gonna complain. He also does unfortunately think cuddling will make things better, and want to sit in bed next to me or kiss me for reassurance. I tell him over and over and over that that’s just gonna get him sick. Less than 24 hours later, he’s caught what I have, and I’m just “GEE, I WONDER HOW THAT HAPPENED.”

3. PETTY ARGUMENTS!

XR and I are built on petty arguments. He fulfills my fantasies of a relationship based on tsundere rivalry. We will find things to argue about for fun. This is how we get our kicks. I call him a dumbass, he calls me a narcissist, we don’t mean it (…mostly). He once caught me singing and dancing, thinking I was alone, and taped it and circulated it as a meme. He thinks it’s hilarious if I trip and fall. Conversely, I think it’s hilarious if he runs into things when he’s not looking where he’s going. I keep a running record of stupidest spelling mistakes he’s made and will trot them out whenever appropriate. At the end of the day, though, we set it all aside. Don’t let anyone know we’re actually nice to each other behind closed doors!

Tony and I basically argue about one petty thing: the fact that he CANNOT DRIVE. Is there canon precedent to this? Not really, except for the fact that his henchmen always seem to be driving the getaway car. But I have it in my head that the people in our operation who should be driving are me, Pal Joey, and Glasses. The person in our operation who should not be driving is Tony. Guess which one of the four asks most often to drive? Yeah. And sometimes he wears us down and we have to deal with him nearly killing us by driving 20 mph above the speed limit. IN DOWNTOWN NEW YORK. THE POLICE CHASE HASN’T EVEN STARTED. If there is one thing that is the subject of our married-couple spats, it is THIS.

Arguing with Giovanni is more of a minefield because we both have a habit of pretending we’re not sensitive about certain things until one of us rags on that certain thing and then it explodes. I have a oneshot idea, may or may not write it, in which he insults my “nerd glasses” like he always does with Sylvie, and I’m legitimately hurt but trying not to show it, so I engage in a rivalry argument with him that lasts all day, up until he jokingly says that I have delusions of grandeur and I just say “Well, at least I don’t think I’m qualified to be captain when I’m not” about myself when I realize that my lack of filter made it sound like I insinuated he wasn’t qualified to be captain, at which point he will actually start crying and insist to me that words hurt. Everything’s made better when we sit down and have an honest talk about what we said that hurt each other and then hug it out.

[wingsporkhalo]

A Spork of Demonic Love, a Hunter x Hunter Fanfiction: Chapter 22

Gee, I wonder if anyone remembers this old thing. I will forever, because it has scarred me. If you’re new here, Demonic Love is literally the worst piece of writing I have ever read in my life. Not the worst Hunter x Hunter fanfiction. Not even the worst fanfiction. The worst piece of writing. You can catch up by reading the posts chronologically here: https://wingsonghalo.tumblr.com/tagged/demonic-love/chrono or by going post by post here: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22

I’m going to be trying to re-upload all the audio tracks to Google Drive, since Tindeck is no longer up, but until then, I hope just the text comments will suffice!! That said, this chapter probably won’t ever have its  audio track, because way back when, when I recorded it, my co-commenter and I had difficulties and we only got either one of us or the other on the recording. At first I tried to splice the tracks together, but GOD it was a major pain. Maybe I’ll try to finish it sometime, but it’s not likely.

Last time, Killua temporarily became a vampire and passed the Hunter Exam, Dracula showed up in the story for some ungodly reason, and Grace finally died (but then got better, regrettably)! In today’s chapter, Grace “saves” a terrible character nobody likes and magically makes them a Good Person, insults Kurapika some more, and sees some questionable photographs!

Without further ado! CHAPTER 22: Fiona X Grace X Kurapika [an unholy triad.]

Hello! Back from a short hiatus break… well not a break, but the school days coming and going by as I at least have a break now. But thankfully, I have time, so time for me to shut up and recap the story. [No, it's time for you to shut up. Period.]Last time on Demonic Love; Killua faced his older brother, Illumi, on a one on one match in the final phase. Grace soon realized that the ex-assassin gained a power from Grace's, aka, Elizabeth's, big brother, Dracula to fight each other. Killua won with flying color. [Only a single color.] After that, Dracula soon remembered something when the two were little children. What will happen next?

Grace's POV

Everyone decided to take another break right now. I don't blame them, but everyone has been mind-boggled by a hell ton of info that not even a demon can handle. [I can't handle it either.] I don't know where the guys are at. I am walking in the halls of this hotel. It is said to be a private one since it belongs to the Hunter's Association. Not many people are around here unless they're Hunters or participants taking the exam, so I can just walk down here with peacefully and quietly. [Who are Peacefully and Quietly?] Hm…? Footsteps…? [It's Peacefully and Quietly walking beside you, you twit. Gosh.] I sense a Nen from one of the Examiners. Who is it? Menchi, Satotz, or Lippo? And there's someone with them as well. Who could it be? I turned on my En [Uh, pretty sure it doesn't function like a light switch.] and to feel around me… it could be another Hunter or something, but the Chairman said that no one else is here for the time being, so who is it? The examiners…? "She has to be around here somewhere." A voice said. By the tone… it's Lippo… but who is he with…? A groan… wait…. I know that high voice. I looked at the corner and saw… it couldn't be. "Oh c'mon! You told me she's-" "FIONA?!" I just… what?! How?! WHY?! [Every time I ask this, I receive no reply. There are no answers. There is only The Void.] She smiled in front of me and ran towards me at full speed. The next thing I knew I was in her embrace… While in Lala Land of my mind, [is that how you describe that emptiness?] many factors are working, but malfunctioning because… WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING HERE?! [don't ask me.] Did Lippo just released her as if nothing?! [A legitimate question.] Did she bailed out for some reason? Can someone tell me what the hell's happening! Ok… I have to admit. It's nice to see her too. I shouldn't let these thoughts run in my head a million miles a minute. I closed my eyes and hugged her. [I'm so angry. THIS ISN'T HOW REFORMING A BAD GUY WORKS. YOU DON'T JUST INSTANTLY BECOME A DIFFERENT PERSON. IT'S A PROCESS.] "Hey!" She soon let go of me and gave me a cheerful smile. But there is a question I would like her to answer though. "I know we just saw each other about two weeks, [I must have missed the two weeks where they hung out] but it seems a ton of things are happening here." Ok… now to load her with the all of the questions… but one at a time… just don't let panic mode kick in. [I keep telling myself that, too.] "Fiona? How did you get out of prison?" She gave a… an evil giggle… don't tell me she hypnotized Lippo. Her evil giggle turned into a gentle smile. "Simple," she said. "I simply gave Lippo treats." [Because he's a dog, I guess.] Three, two, one… anime fall. [UUUUUUUUGH.] Was it really that easy for her to get out there? Geez, some defense on that part. Lippo, you are slowly, but surely, losing all respect from me. What type of prison warden do that? Just let them go after a snack? [No prison warden would! Nothing here makes any sense!! RAAAAGE.] "Alright then…" I sighed. Time for my next question. "How did you knew of the situation at hand? And why are you doing here since you're free?" She looked down. Huh? Her smile is… saddened. Why? "I told her what's happening. Even the fact that you're the vampire princess." Lippo answered. [I forgot he was even here.] Does that mean she's…? "And she wanted to come to your support." [HOW MUCH MORE SUPPORT DOES SHE NEED, HONESTLY???]

That's… Fiona… I knew you were a good person at heart. You just needed to try, right? [Yeah, but apparently Grace never needs to try.] "It's because even though I committed all of those crimes, you still had the will to forgive me. No one would've forgiven me." Tear. [Thanks for that moving description.] Fiona, there's no need to cry. "And when I heard you were a vampire, I wanted to tell you that I will still be there for you!" ["Because I'm terrified of you! Please don't bite me!"] I nodded. "So will I Fiona! So will I!" [She'll be there for herself.] I heard Lippo giggle. I guess Fiona did too [What, giggled?] because we turned to give him a confused look. "I'm going to have a meeting with the others. You can take your time having fun." We looked at each other and then shrugged it off. It was weird to even bother. [WHAT DOES THAT MEAN. I THINK THAT DESCRIBES THIS ENTIRE STORY: IT'S WEIRD TO EVEN BOTHER. YOU DON'T EVEN BOTHER WHEN YOU'RE WRITING IT, AND I SHOULDN'T EVEN BOTHER WITH READING IT.] "So I wanted to ask you about the status with the others." She paused with an awkward face. But then asked, "I mean, any progress in any way?" [What is she even asking here?? Is she asking whether they're still hypnotized or whatever?] What should I tell her? I mean, a lot has happened, and most of them has been overwhelming. Ok. I started after the 50 hour of our waiting. To put it simply, she was shocked. I told her what happened when Kurapika flipped out on me. [I notice you're not mentioning all the times you flipped out on him.] That even shocked me when I saw him go crazy out of nowhere. Then I told her how Gon and Killua wasn't affected by her spell. I saw her eyes widen in astonishment, and she made the same assumption that it's probably because they knew my real name and the others knew of 'Sennosuke', not Grace. [So really, shouldn't it have been the other way around?? Shouldn't Gon and Killua been affected, since they knew her true nature, rather than Leorio and Kurapika, who only knew her pseudonym?? I'm so confused why am I even trying to apply logic here] I rather stick with that name because even though I acknowledge Dracula of being my brother, I want to be the present me. She soon told me about the Nen she uses. She sensed my aura. [WELL DUH SHE SENSES IT. ANYONE WHO USES NEN CAN SENSE OTHERS' AURA.] She wanted me to find clues if I could break it with my Nen, but everyone knows that… well… Nen users know that you need exorcists to rid of Nen, or the person has to have a strong heart. [??? WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING.] But I betted her in about what happened on the Fourth Phase. She was shocked alright. The way I describe the way Kurapika confessed to me… She got excited… [Ew. Please don't mention that.] I mean… teenage school excited [??? "teenage school excited"] when they heard about the girl's first crush. [WHAT GIRL?] To be all honest, I thought she would act a bit more rationally, not this childish… but I'm childish sometimes, so I should shut up. [Yes, you should. Always.] She loaded me with question, after question, after about my feelings. ["After about"?] I did… told her everything. ["I did told her everything" oh my god how can yOU USE VERBS THIS BADLY THE MIND BOGGLES] My feelings towards him. His good qualities. [Yeah by the way you haven't really fleshed out any of those. Kurapika has so many good qualities, but all you write about is how obsessed he is with revenge, how he's smart (but not as smart as you) and how in love he is with Leori--I mean Grace.] His knowledge, his passion, his pride (though he can tone it down a bit), [SEE???]  and most of all, the way he's concern for others… but I did mention he did have some bad ones as well… how he closes off everyone around him, his cold heart, [Fuck you Kurapika's heart is warm the "cold" thing is a defensive front] the way he wanted revenge, not telling everyone what's wrong… We were now in the food court. [Food court? Where?] I got a chocolate roll with a whipped cream filling and tea. Black British, always my favorite. [BLACK BRITISH TEA? ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? DO YOU PERHAPS MEAN ENGLISH BREAKFAST TEA?? GOD YOU TRY TO MAKE REFERENCE TO SO MANY THINGS YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT IT'S SO FUCKING IRRITATING] Fiona has a mille feuille with a Blue Moon. [OKAY YOU DO KNOW THAT BLUE MOON IS A BEER, RIGHT? ISN'T FIONA THE SAME AGE AS YOU?? FURTHERMORE ISN'T THIS LIKE...LUNCHTIME? IF YOU'RE GOING TO DRINK UNDERAGE, AT LEAST DON'T DO IT IN PUBLIC IN BROAD DAYLIGHT, HOLY SHIT.] And… though there's a delicious dessert in front of me… I'm getting really mad about the way he thinks. "Any other bad qualities?" GGGGRRRR! "The way he thinks he's all high and mighty! A stubborn fool if you ask me! He lets his emotions get the best of him. [Why are you spending so much more time talking about negative qualities?? Like, don't get me wrong, it's part of a healthy relationship to recognize your partner's faults (as opposed to denying their existence or ignoring them), but like??? You make it sound like you don't like him all that much!!] Yeah, emotions can guide you, but he is such a hot headed idiot! You can tell how his eyes is normal one minute, then scarlet the next! THAT HOTHEADED IDIOT!" [YOU ALREADY USED THAT INSULT. PLEASE EXPAND YOUR VOCABULARY, YOU SACK OF WEEK-OLD DIAPERS.] … Wait a minute… we're in a café… [NICE OF YOU TO NOTICE THAT NOW.] though no one is here, I still need some common curtesy. [WHAT THE HELL IS THAT.] Unlike that- "Who's the hotheaded idiot?" Um… I looked behind me and I didn't want to see a certain blonde here. [IF YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT ME, I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE EITHER.] In the Meeting Hall ["Meeting Hall"?] "You know Lippo." Said the Chairman of the Hunter Association. [Who knows Lippo?] The Mohawk headed examiner looked at Netero. "Fiona isn't just known for being a heartbreaker, but also, at the age of 12, she was a porn star [WHAT??? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?? YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT CHILD PORN IN YOUR RATED-T FANFICTION?? OH MY GOD!!! I AM!!! SO FUCKING!!!! UPSET!!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITHGT YOUWFUCK YOU'RE GOSINGT TO GETT AON A GOVEERNMETN WATCH LISTAND I WILL BBE HAPPYW WHEN THEY DRAGAG YOU AAWY] and is knowledgeably in taking pictures of… quote on quote sexy moments, right?" [IT'S "QUOTE UNQUOTE" YOU LAUNDRY BASKET OF GARBAGE] Lippo then gave a little giggle at that thought. How one would react is one to be behold. [WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT EVEN MEAN???] I laughed, "I know… but she already started her plan." "Hm?" Menchi hummed, dumbfounded. "What do you mean?" [THAT'S WHAT I SAID.] The four eyes [WHY ARE THERE RANDOM DISEMBODIED EYES??] gave a hearty laugh after that. Everyone is beyond confused at that point and calmed down. He soon explained, "She called it… Operation: Get the Lover Back." [THIS IS STUPID.] Back in the café "KURAPIKA!?" the vampire jumped out of her seat and now [was no longer capable of] standing [because both her cardboard legs crumpled instantly with no explanation]. By the look on his face, he is a very irritated man right now, seeing the tick mark on his head. [YOU MEAN TIC. A TICK IS A PARASITE.] He glared at her and gave you-better-explain look. [IT'S POINTLESS. THERE ARE NO EXPLANATIONS.] She soon [You know, this has been bothering me for like EVER, but WHY in the world does this author say "he/she/they/whatever soon this-or-that"?? I swear if I took a drink every time I saw that sentence structure I'd end up in the hospital after 3 chapters!!!] glared at him this time, and this time, [YOU JUST SAID THAT.] the red eyes vampire is angry. "That's right, you're such a hothead! Letting your emotions doing all the talking, being a cold-hearted, [You realize those are kind of opposites, right? Being hotheaded and coldhearted?] and not being able to let anyone's emotions get to you!" "And what's wrong with that?!" He yelled, his eyes turning scarlet. [Ooh is he finally going to kill her? :D] Fiona looked at the situation awkwardly, thinking that maybe what she was thinking isn't something to behold of. [HOW are you so bad at putting words into sentences?? And yet your chapters are SO LONG. HOW DO YOU DO IT.] "I never met an insolate vampire in my life!" [SEVERAL THINGS WRONG WITH THIS SENTENCE, SEVERAL JOKES I COULD MAKE. LET'S LIST THEM. 1) I never did either. 2) I'd hope not, because that's not a thing that exists. 3) Did you mean "I've never met a more (whatever word you were going for) in my life"?? 4) SERIOUSLY "INSOLATE" WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT EVEN. DO YOU MEAN INSOLENT, PERHAPS? IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A WORD EVEN SOUNDS LIKE, YOU PROBABLY DON'T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS, SO DON'T USE IT. LOOK IT UP IF YOU HAVE TO. BUT DO IT BEFORE YOU PUT IT INTO A STORY THAT YOU PUBLISH ONLINE. RAGE!!!!!] "Well excuse me… this vampire was the first one you fell for and met at the same time you idiot!" She screamed in his face. "SCARLET FREAK!" [WOW FUCK YOU FOREVER DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT AYOUS AHVEA WATH GIVEWS YOSUT THE RIGHTWTR] "BLOOD HEAD!" [FUCK YOU KURAPIKA'S INSULTS WOULD BE MORE CLEVER AND CLASSY THAN THAT] "GIRLY BOY!" [I HATE YOU.] "AIRHEADED TOMBOY!" [HE'S NOT WRONG ABOUT ONE OF THOSE THINGS.] "PRETTY KURUTA!" [HOW IS THAT AN INSULT??] "STOP IT YOU TWO!" The two looked at the once prisoner with confused looks. She let out a sigh of relief since the two stopped fighting. Yeah, she's new to all the friendly thing [AND YET SHE'S BETTER AT IT THAN GRACE. WHAT THE FUCK.] and that can lead to being very childish, but what should she say. They were being more childish than anything. Now… for her plan. [IS IT A PLAN TO MURDER GRACE?] "That's right. Kurapika. I want you talk to you for a moment." He stared at her suspicious, but then Grace put her hand on the Kuruta's shoulder. [Dude if he was that freaking pissed I don't think he'd let anyone touch him for a while] He turned to let her see his silver eyes. With gentle red, [what the fuck does that mean. Is that her faithful dog, who has not been mentioned once this entire time? Poor Gentle Red.] she nodded. He sighed, knowing that he can trust her. [REALLY??] The vampire left the room and let the two alone, with Fiona plastered on an evil smirk on her visage. He doesn't even like the idea. She's the reason why they… well… Kurapika and Leorio to hate Grace. [THEY DIDN'T NEED ANYONE TO MAKE THEM HATE HER. THERE WERE PLENTY OF REASONS ALREADY.] He wasn't happy with hating his lover, [I AM.] so this has to be good excuse. The blonde female sighed. She looked at the last survivor. [That sounds so dramatic and vague] Her eyes were gentle and doesn't have the faintest of taint into it. [This whole story is tainted.] "Listen… I want to talk to you about something. What are your feelings for Grace?" ["She keeps getting in the way of Leorio's and my happiness and I was fed up with it like 10 chapters ago, if not before then. Isn't there any way out of this contract??"] Kurapika looked down. He easily explained, "A girl that doesn't know how to keep her mouth shut, a very stubborn girl, but…" He paused for a minute. It's like he doesn't want to admit it to her, yet again. The vampire princess trusts her… so it seems he doesn't have a choice, does he? [UH, YEAH, HE DOES. HE COULD JUST WALK AWAY.] "But… she's a very kind hearted person. [SHE REALLY ISN'T, THOUGH!!] She devoted her life to protect her friends [NO SHE DIDN'T. SHE'S HARDLY HAD TO LIFT A FINGER.] and accepts the good and the bad in everything. [THEN WHY IS SHE ALWAYS SCREAMING AT PEOPLE ABOUT THEIR FAULTS??] She's so warm to be with and…" He couldn't stop… something isn't stopping him. Probably Fiona's spell again, but it didn't matter. [UH, YES IT DOES????] He just allowed Fiona to make his heart sing out what his thoughts are. "She cries the sadness people locked up for ages. [WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN. "CRY THE SADNESS"? "PEOPLE LOCKED UP THE SADNESS"? PLEASE LEARN HOW POETIC LANGUAGE WORKS.] It's like… once she knows that person, she somehow is able to shed the tears the person is longing to shed. [OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, KILL ME. I CAN'T TAKE THIS.] And… even though Grace is willing to accept all pain and suffering… I want to protect her from all of it." [IF ONLY I COULD PROTECT THE CANON CHARACTERS FROM THIS STORY. LIKE. REALLY.] "Yes… she is childish. [SHE'S 14, OF COURSE SHE IS.] Grace is in fact stubborn, but the way she looks at you, it feels as if any worries from within just lifted off of your shoulders. [NOPE. SHE'S BEEN NOTHING BUT ANOTHER THING TO WORRY ABOUT/DISTRACT HIM THIS ENTIRE TIME. THERE IS LITERALLY NOTHING GOOD ABOUT HER, AND SHE HAS NEVER DONE ANYTHING--ANYTHING--THAT HAD A POSITIVE, LASTING IMPACT ON KURAPIKA.] The way she you look through her eyes [SHE YOU?] makes things incredible. [WOW, JUST...COULD YOU NOT COME UP WITH A WORD OR SOMETHING?] No matter how good or bad it is." [EVEN MY HILARIOUS COMMENTS COULD NOT MAKE A THING AS BAD AS THIS INCREDIBLE.] Fiona soon [SWEET JESUS WHERE IS MY BOOZE] clapped her hands as if a hypnotist snapped their patient out of trance. "That's good. So far, my plan is working!" [IT DIDN'T END WITH GRACE BEING DEAD, SO I DON'T CARE.] Kurapika look at her with a strange one, [??? WHO IS THE STRANGE ONE? WHERE DID THEY COME FROM AND WHY ARE THEY HERE??] but then she has this picture where the white side of it is facing him. ["WHERE"??] Her smirk never ceased. So she handed it to him. … Silence… [THAT'S THE BEST PART OF THIS ENTIRE CHAPTER.] More silence… [I'M SO RELIEVED I COULD CRY.] Three… [OH GOD WHAT ARE YOU COUNTING DOWN TO] Two… [FUCK I'M NOT READY SHIT] One… [HOLD ME I'M SCARED] Soon as he comprehend what's one it, [WHAT'S ONE?] his nose shot blood out of it; [WHAT THE FUCK] spraying the floor with red fluid. His face completely red and flabbergasted. "W-w-w-w-w-w-when d-d-did you take… this p-photo." He stuttered. [GOOD LORD IS SHE SHOWING HIM PICTURES FROM HER WILDER DAYS? LORD IN HEAVEN SAVE ME.] "Secret…" She answered with a Cheshire Cat smile. "I can't believe her boobs are bigger than they seem when I looked at it. [WHAT THE FUCK WHY IS SHE DOING THIS AND WHY WOULD SHE HAVE A SEXY PICTURE OF--I'M ASSUMING--GRACE?? ALSO, GRACE IS 14. I JUST, I CAN'T EVEN, WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS GOING ON. IF ANY MORE OF THIS NONSENSE OCCURS, I DON'T THINK I CAN CONTINUE SPORKING THIS. I'M THAT OFFENDED. THAT IS A LINE YOU DO NOT CROSS.] A gift to you… Oh, it's also one of a kind, so don't lose it." With that, she left the café while Kurapika stayed there, still in shocked and carefully looked at the photo. 'I better keep this so no pervert would look at it. Yeah, that's the reason.' [BUT WHY DID SHE GIVE IT TO HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE???] What the hell is going on the Kuruta's mind people?! [YOU TELL ME; YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S CONTROLLING IT.] What the heck did Fiona took a picture of that made the stoic, complex, and prideful Kurapika nose bled. [GEE I WONDER.] Find out next time. BYE!

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NOW, let’s check in our Bingo cards!

Ooh, so close!!

And eyyyy, there it is!! Next time, everyone goes to Hell! I wish that was a joke!!!!! Thanks for reading! <333