#i am just trying to curate a more positive space for myself right now because at this point in time

[decompose1]

putting as gently as possible: sometimes people are uncomfortable with heavy negativity not because they think some media is unworthy of critique or hate anyone who doesn’t share their opinions, but because of some unrelated issue related specifically to negativity itself

[novashelby]

Nova Thoughts: You can't censor art...

Not even a little.

TW: mention of rape, murder, incest, abuse, molestation, etc.

I just read a post, but I didn't want to comment directly on it because I respect the opinions of the people I follow. What we write does not define who we are morally. You cannot force someone to purify or censor their work, and it really is not up to anyone to judge others for what they write. Even if you don't agree with it. You like horror where people are getting brutally murdered, but you aren't fine with other vile things like non-con, incest, abuse, and so on? Okay. Those are all awful things. So, where do we do we draw the line? Okay, we have a group who doesn't like non-con, so we collectively decide no more non-con. Non-con is gone. What's next? Okay, people decide they no longer like incest. As a group, we decide no more incest. So, we got rid of incest and non-con, what is next? Where is the line? Murder is bad! Okay, no more murder. What's next? Abuse? No more abuse in writing. Do you see my point? These lines are tricky. You can't "censor just a little" because there is no such thing. Of course you can argue in published books, movies, tv, there are measurements of censorship. Of course, and I have my own thoughts with that. However, there are still streams where those uncensored versions can exist. But I'm talking about fandom specifically. We, especially in fandom, should not dictate what people write or read. It is not our job to police, shun, censor, or bully people for their media consumption. It is writing. It is fictional. It is fake. Therefore, it does not HARM REAL PEOPLE. No writer should ever have to justify or feel bad for what they write. Instead, it should be common sense that what we write and/consume-LEGALLY does not define our actual beliefs, morals, and feelings. Human sexuality is complicated. While rape and incest are not kinks/fetishes, they are fantasies. Which, guess what, exist all in the realm of sexuality. Want to know something else? People can have sexual fantasies without actually wanting to execute them or have them happen to them. For example, I admittedly have a rape fantasy. Yes, me, someone who has been a victim of rape and molestation 3x in her life. Just because I have the fantasy of being in that position, does not mean I actually want to be raped. Make sense? Actual rape and incest are absolutely disgusting, vile things. Playing out fantasies, safely and consensually, does no harm. For example, CNC is the kink for rape play. That's what it is. It is a consensual act that allows a group of consenting adults to safely and consensually play out a fantasy. CNC has to exist in that realm because real people are involved. That being said, in writing, it is all fiction. Those people are not actually involved. I can write Tommy Shelby brutally tearing Y/N's legs open. A. Tommy Shelby is not a real person...he doesn't give a fuck because he isn't real. B. Y/N isn't actually getting raped in a real situation. HARMS NO ONE. Now, this isn't really incest and I personally am not fond of that theme myself, but I could even write John Shelby fucking my OC Evie Shelby(Adopted niece), if I wanted. Why? John Shelby isn't real and Evie isn't real. Harms no one.

All this to say, stop calling for censorship. Stop trying to dictate what others write just because you don't like it. No one has to justify themselves to you. But hey, you don't have to justify yourself for blocking or not reading certain material. We all curate our safe spaces. If certain themes make you uncomfortable, I 100% understand you. I get it. I respect that. Just as I have the right to write whatever the fuck I want, you have the right to ignore whatever you don't like. But just because non-con make you uncomfortable, doesn't mean NO ONE should be allowed to write it because it's "wrong". In real life circumstances, they are wrong, awful, vile. However, fictional writing, it is not real.

Happy reading and writing, and put the proper warnings on your fucking shit!

Good day.

[girltalkcollectives]

🪞 Trying to love yourself in a world that profits from your self-doubt (and how i'm finally starting to win that battle) 🪞

Let's have an honest conversation about something I've been struggling with lately. You know those days when you're just scrolling through social media, feeling pretty good about yourself, and then BAM – suddenly you're wondering if you need that new miracle serum that promises to fix a "flaw" you didn't even know you had?

Yeah, we need to talk about that.

The Reality Check

At 20, I'm constantly bombarded with:

"Anti-aging" products (like… I'm literally TWENTY?)

Filters that completely change my face

Before/after photos that make me question everything

"Clean girl aesthetic" pressure

"That Girl" morning routines

Weight loss ads between every TikTok

"Body trending" conversations (because apparently bodies trend now???)

And honestly? I'm exhausted.

The Hidden Cost

Here's what this constant pressure actually costs us:

Mental energy we could use for literally anything else

Money we could be saving or investing

Confidence in our natural selves

Time we'll never get back

Real connections because we're too anxious about our appearance

The simple joy of existing without criticism

The Truth About "Perfect" Posts

Let's break down what we're usually seeing:

Perfect lighting

Strategic angles

Multiple takes

Careful editing

Specific poses

Curated moments

And sometimes? Straight-up lies

What Nobody Tells You About "Goals" Posts

That influencer with the "perfect morning routine"?

She took 67 takes of that "just woke up" shot

That's not her everyday breakfast

She's not actually that productive every single day

Those workout clips are from different days

The "no makeup" look has makeup

She probably felt anxious posting it too

My Personal Journey

Recently, I started documenting my actual, unfiltered self:

My actual skin texture

Real morning hair

Genuine facial expressions

Normal body positions

Regular daily outfits

Real-life messy moments

And something magical happened: nothing. The world didn't end. People didn't run away screaming. Life just… continued.

The Small Wins

I'm celebrating these victories:

Posting pictures without filters

Wearing what feels comfortable

Going out without makeup sometimes

Unfollowing accounts that make me feel bad

Actually believing compliments

Calling out beauty standards with friends

What's Actually Helping

Here's what's making a real difference:

Curating my social media: Unfollowing anything that triggers comparison

Finding real role models: Following people who look like me and rock it

Reality checks with friends: Honest conversations about our insecurities

Gratitude practice: Focusing on what my body does, not how it looks

Setting boundaries: It's okay to skip conversations about diets/appearance

The Mindset Shifts

I'm learning that:

Beauty standards are made up and literally change every decade

Companies profit from our insecurities

"Perfect" doesn't exist

Confidence is more attractive than any physical feature

My worth isn't tied to my appearance

It's okay to be a work in progress

To Anyone Struggling

Remember:

You don't owe anyone prettiness

Your body is not a trend

You're allowed to take up space

Your worth isn't measured in likes

Beauty standards are fake

You're enough, right now, as you are

Moving Forward

Here's what I'm committing to:

Being honest about my struggles

Sharing unfiltered moments

Supporting other women

Calling out toxic beauty standards

Celebrating all types of beauty

Working on loving myself as I am

The Revolution Starts With Us

Maybe the most rebellious thing we can do is just… exist. Unapologetically. Without shrinking or filtering or constantly apologizing.

[squishhy-wyrm-witch]

2 Pages of my Book of Shadows: Self Love Spell Fail

Long post! woah. Okay I created this spell myself, I've tried it once and I just... wasn't feeling it. I wanted to post it and give myself an opportunity to learn from it, get the motivation to try again. Not everything goes perfectly, and sometimes the vibes are just off. I plan on trying again for Ostara, with a clearer head.

2/16/2024 Self Love Enchantment Spell

Supplies:

2 different pen colors (one for love, one for hate)

2 paper

Phone

Rose water

Thing to Enchant (I chose lotion, a hair clip, and perfume)

Rose Quartz

Orange Crystal

Clear Quartz

Black Crystal

Selenite

Right off the bat, I improvised with the clear quartz, black crystal, and selenite. They're not in the original, they're something I added in the moment. Although there's nothing wrong with occasional improvisation, my intention with those wasn't thought through, so it was hard to focus on what they were supposed to do. Also, I originally wanted to wear headphones to listen to music. I decided not to because I thought the spell wouldn't charge properly. The noise from around my house was extremely distracting and made it difficult to concentrate on my intentions. Not only that, but I also did not cleanse my brand new crystals that I had gotten. That's not all! I like to curate playlists for these kinds of things. I have a study playlist, a relaxing playlist, and a calming playlist. They did not fit this particular vibe, so I figured I would just let the algorithm on YouTube Music guide me. this did not help.

Steps:

Using the first color pen and paper, write down things you hate or dislike about yourself. Then using the second color and second paper, write down things you love or like about yourself.

Take the hatred paper. Hold it, put all your hatred inside it. Allow your pain to flow into it. Now rip it up. Destroy it. It's not gone, but it has no power over you.

Gather the pieces into your hands. Focus on these words;

"I am more than this. I am greater than my pain. I am worthy of happiness. I am worthy of love. I am worthy of peace. I am worthy of joy. I am worthy of the time and patience it will take to move forward. I am enough as I am."

Now throw those pieces away.

I think I should a) get rid of the hatred portion of this entirely, b) do some kind of cleansing after throwing away the hatred or c) do something that puts more emphasis on the love portion of this spell. Come up with another affirmation chant. This was the part I focused on heavily, I couldn't move past the negative mindset.

Fold up the second paper, preferably on the smaller side. Write the rune Raidho on it. Raidho is symbolic of the journey to self-love. We're seeking progress, not perfection.

Place the crystals around your enchantment items. Using rosewater, connect them in a circle (I DID NOT GET THE CRYSTALS WET, it was just a connect the dots kind of thing in a circle). Place the folded love paper inside the circle.

Listen to positive music. Dance, sing, whatever. Visualize charging your spell with the joy and love that comes from just being in the moment.

Anddddd the vibes weren't all there. Here's my reflection after my attempt:

2/22/2024 Failed Attempt at Self Love Spell

I don't know, the vibes were just off. Like I wasn't in the right head space for it. I felt this weight keeping me to the ground. My arms and legs felt sore. Once I realized it wasn't working I just felt defeated. It was really discouraging.

Maybe it's because I'm sad. Like I've been thinking I'm going to cry for days now. I keep telling myself "okay if I have to cry that badly it'll just happen" but it doesn't. I want to try again. maybe instead of dancing I can charge the spell with affirmations. Maybe I take a breath on it? Work on something else?

I did in fact, take a beat. That's the purple italicized font. Somethings that I've noticed is that I have been exhausted ever since I tried this spell. I am completely restless. Normally I'd be able to just knock out after a day or two of not sleeping well. I am now on day 5 of some rank ass sleep. It's most likely because it's getting warmer and I cannot sleep in a room over 65 degrees. Mundane or magic? Probably mundane, but it's something to note.

I wanted to post a "fail" because I really want to contribute to breaking down my personal obsession with perfection. It's totally normal to get discouraged, shit if I said it wasn't I'd be a hypocrite. But in the end, this isn't really a fail. As cheesy as it is to say, I learned some things. Thank the gods I found a post on safely cleansing crystals.

That's all! Take care! <3

[admirableadmiranda]

Hello ladypfenix I’m sorry to bother you. My main account seems to have been blocked? If that’s your choice I respect it but I would like to know why? And if I change my behavior if I would be able to be unblocked? You were my favorite and primary blog to check everyday and I was very confused and concerned when I went and it said your page didn’t exist.

No matter the reason I will respect it and not bother you again, I would just like a chance to know what I did and if I can make up for it

Hello. Yes I did block you the other day, mostly for getting on my nerves with a bunch of small things. It wasn’t the volume of likes or reblogs, but mostly fandom opinions that I have otherwise curated my dashboard so as to not deal with. Fandom can be an exhausting space and I have blocked for less. However I was able to ignore that until the other day.

Since you want to know what the reason was, it was the post about the word queer. I have used it for myself for years, I believe strongly in it as a word for our community and I wish to stop it from being reclaimed as a slur when for decades it was a word for us, when it’s still a respected term in academics and collections because it has such a long, positive history. I do not approve of the idea of discarding it, nor that it should be dismissed as a slur. There is no word for anyone in our community that has not been a slur at some point, and it is the most inclusive, general word that exists. It is a word that is currently being attacked as a slur because it is inclusive, non-specific and offers the freedom to just say “whatever sort of identity I may have is actually none of your business and I don’t have to explain it to you,” and a large portion of this attitude comes from terfs and their other transphobic ilk attempting to twist a word that includes trans and non-binary and genderfluid and everyone else who I may not remember at this hour if the night into a slur so they can push them out of the community. To me, saying that it is a harmful word that should be left behind is saying that the further splitting and segregating of our community is correct and leaves us more vulnerable, not less. Queer being nonspecific is a function, not a flaw.

You want to know what you can do to perhaps be unblocked? Think on my words, and reflect on the intent and respect you give to those in debates. What am I trying to say? What are they trying to say? Who benefits from your opinions? Cause while you may have not meant it that way, your words smelled terfy and I cannot have that in my life and around the people I love. I blocked you because you posted that as a direct reblog from a post I agreed with on a bad day, and I do not always have the time nor energy to walk everyone through why and wherefore. I will not currently block this blog, I may unblock your main blog in the future. But I’m not unblocking it right now.

But you followed me for a reason, so I encourage you to consider, if you want to follow me again from your main blog, just why such posts as that may not be very welcome.

Also block circumventing is a very bad look. Tumblr can actually ban all of your accounts for block circumventing. I am not reporting you for this, but you should really be aware that when you’re wanting to understand what’s going on, creating a second account to ask the person who blocked you why they did it doesn’t exactly encourage them to change their minds.

[someprettyname]

SKSKDKEKSKS

Uh...

Alright. 10 things. Hm.

First one would be...my curiosity? It often makes me feel really optimistic and better when I'm in my natural state and don't assume stuff. It also gets me to know other people's amazing stories...so that. Also, i like asking questions :3 [ENFP thing perhaps?]

Second.... People have told me i am a good motivator. Which soskjskssdkk I don't knooooow because it's not something i actively do really :,) but it makes me really happy i can keep others around me charged up :)

Third, empathy. The more i explore it the more i come to know about it... Which is why I'm not saying I'm perfect at it, but it's definitely something I seek and try to practice more of.

Fourth, resilience. Well... I've been through some pretty rough stuff (if I told my past self from an year ago about this she'd breakdown and be petrified kinda rough stuff LOL) but idk. I somehow endured it. I always do. It's magical. I don't know how i do it but I do. Eh.

Dkdksukg I've yapped so much yet I'm not even half way through WHY

Fifth would be creativity. I love myself when I'm inspired and creating. It makes my whole body feel so light and euphoric ygwim? I love myself when I'm being artistic. So much. I can't even condense it all into words. I love myself when I'm on a roll and sound amazing while singing. I love myself when I'm teaching myself guitar. I love with i dance freestyle, just feeling the best and rhythm in my body be it around people or alone. I love myself when I'm being a good public speaker. Yeah, in short i love myself when I'm being a creative performer.

Sixth... vulnerability? Oftentimes when I'm not feeling particularly threatened i can easily be pretty expressive. But that doesn't mean putting yourself out there is easy though. So i really appreciate myself for the ability of being vulnerable. It opens new door, y'know? It shows me how different people would react to it and which of them deserve my time and not.

WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO BE 10 DAMNIT

Oh.

Oh yes. For seventh, related to that - i recently took a test which tells you your ability to love and I got around 90 on that test. It made me really happy. It tells me I've been adapting the right things and mindset, plus I've been the best in terms of mental health that i've ever been. So yeah! Not really surprised.... But i wonder if I'll be able to keep up the score when I'm going through a rough patch. I hope so really.

Eight would be adaptability, i suppose. I don't know how to explain this but I am always ready for a change. I'm always ready to hear new perspectives and make them a part of me and become someone slightly different. Slightly newer. (This could very well be a weakness because I don't hold on to the past enough at times...but what to say. Moving on and changing in THIS context feels really nice, y'know?) Every conversation to me is a thing which can change me and ✨expand my horizons✨... And I find that really beautiful.

HUFF I'M YAPPING TOO MUCH SEMD HELP IM LEGIT RUNNING OUT OF THINGS

Ninth would be....hm. How to frame it? Being firm. Confronting things right in the moment. Being a good communicator. Creating boundaries. Learning to say no. A mixture of these qualities. Is there a collective word for it? Either ways, it's not like i was absolutely shitty at this in the past but I've been learning to apply these much better now. I've been learning to curate the space around me much better now. I'm proud of that. This journey of breaking through the habit of being agreeable to a fault was... rough. To say the least. Lol 😭

AHAHAHKEIEIGEVEWKOSHBD HRLP ME I'VE GENUINELY RUN OUT OF THINGS. I YAPPED TOO MUCH ISN'T IT.

Okay okay. For the last one I love myself when I'm spreading love and positivity to those around me. Y'know? Making someone's day a tad bit better. Gifting someone (i love spoiling people that i value, can you tell?)...I love it when I'm someone's "Man. I really wanted to hear that today." Kinda person. I love it when I'm actively making the lives of those around me much better.

Yeah 😭 done 👍🏻

I'm taking notes, how are you so awesome kind sir? 📝

I'm merely reflecting the kindness I receive, perhaps the pencil holder should note down 10 things they love about themselves. To help me answer the question ofcourse.

[inescape]

i am struggling to know what to do here. i think i definitely need a little time away just to… soak in everything and work on myself, because the last thing i would wanna do is make anyone uncomfortable here, whether it now with the negativity i’ve brought to the dash the past couple of days by platforming the other blog, or in the past with public criticism that i am not in a position to take a stance on. i do wanna take this opportunity to apologise for that. i had a few hours to think about things and i decided that i shouldn’t get to say what offends people and what doesn’t offend people. if you have seen a vague on my blog before and was hurt by it, then you have a right to be hurt by it, and it was unfair of me to think otherwise, because in spite of how i felt in that time, i shouldn’t have used my platform to slam others, even if i thought it was inconsequential or harmless. if you want a personal apology, i understand and my ims are open. for now, i’d like to have the chance to move on and progress. for months now i’ve made a conscientious effort to not promote negativity on my blog (total backslide, i know) and to give people the benefit of the doubt. i’m not so heavy on the block button, i talk to people about any issue that arises, and i think i think we as a community should continue to practice this because it truly is the most effective way of communicating. there’s a lot of uh… fearmongering, where we think we shouldn’t speak our mind because of how people receive us, and we should try to actively disband this way of thinking. please know that my blog is always a safe space for communication. i see these anons about me and it makes me so sad to think it’s something that could’ve been resolved privately. and listen, that’s my fault too. i shouldn‘t have vagued about anyone and i shouldn’t have blocked people so freely, i could’ve done what i endeavour to do now and said “hey sorry i’m not comfortable with this” and i totally recognise that behaviour is much more acceptable. i think i just figured i was curating a space that was comfortable for me and i think i’m definitely entitled to do that, but perhaps more cautiously, as i don’t fully recognise the knock on effects that i caused. and finally, i’m sorry that you feel more comfortable going through another blog to voice your complaints about me than speaking to me through my own anonymous feature or in ims. i want to be an approachable person that you feel like you CAN talk to, and i really hope by seeing This you can understand its not in my nature to treat people badly or unfairly, i’ve just made some pretty poor decisions in the past, whether fuelled by egotism or just plain laziness. finally, for that blog, i think it’s just gonna lose traction if we as a collective no longer pay attention to it. i know that’s easier said than done, but truly if it has no audience, it has no hate to produce. and i know some have tried to defend me, also have sent me screenshots of the blog, but i really don’t want anything to do with it anymore so if we could just… not tell me, i’d really appreciate that. i’m an emotional sponge and i just sap up any negativity i see, true or otherwise, and i really wanna move on and enjoy my time here. i hope you guys can give me a second chance but if not, that’s also fine. as i said, curate your safe space. i’ll catch all of you guys in a bit, take care 😊

[blackfemininity]

How do we start this journey of self- love and being enough? How do we begin being who we are actually meant to be?

Hello! Growing up, self love had always been something I’d struggled with because of the experiences I internalized during my childhood. I actually started this blog in 2018 when I was 19 to begin to learn and explore what femininity and black womanhood looks like to me outside of false projections and mentalities.

In the past year, however, I took a step back from this blog because I was battling depression and anxiety. I created this blog to help empower the black woman collective but at the time, I felt like I wasn’t in the right headspace to continue being active and creating content. I thoroughly believe in the quote, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” I had to begin a new journey of healing, growth and self discovery. In my time away, I spent a lot of time prioritizing myself and my personal healing. However, it dawned on me that self love and growth is a lifelong journey that deepens with time. By taking the time to refocus within, I am now in a better place to continue this work. I’m not a licensed mental health professional, however, I can share some insights from my own experience.

The first thing I had to do was become self-aware. I sat down with my journal and began stream-of-consciousness writing, which essentially meant that I kept writing whatever was on my mind and heart until I had nothing to say anymore. I made this a daily practice along with meditation and mindfulness. Being so immersed with social media at the time, I felt like I was deeply disconnected from myself. The purpose of these practices were to help me cultivate stillness and better understand my thoughts and emotions. In doing so, I had a better understanding of what aspects of myself I needed to further develop or discard entirely.

A lot of what I had to unpack centered around my overall experience as a young black girl. I found that as I was growing into a young woman, I still had baggage I needed to let go of. I listened to Bag Lady by Erykah Badu often, with the aim of really understanding the lyrics and implementing them. My journey of self love was mainly rooted in letting go. By letting go of my old false self, I was making space for a new, truer version of myself to come into fruition. By “false” self, I mean that who I was in the past was a result of traumatic experiences and wasn’t an accurate portrayal of who I actually am.

During this time, I began to really pay attention to the concept of metamorphosis specifically in butterflies. Caterpillars eventually get to a point in their journey where their current state no longer brings satisfaction. As a result, they take a leap of faith and undergo a period of darkness in a cocoon stage where they transform into a new, evolved being— a butterfly. This motif encouraged me to begin the work of letting go of my old, false self. Journaling was critical for me because it helped me analyze my thoughts, behaviors and habits (caterpillar stage). It also helped me identify the woman I wanted to become (butterfly stage). I knew my starting point and desired destination. So, I had to create and design a plan to help me release the old and evolve into the new (cocoon stage). I wrote down a series of questions about the woman I wanted to be: “What does she look like? What are her habits? What are her beliefs? What kind of mindset (abundance or scarcity) are her actions rooted in?” and more. I juxtaposed those answers with another series of questions about the woman I currently was: “What are my habits and routines? What are my current beliefs? What kind of mindset (abundance or scarcity) are my actions rooted in?” Seeing the answers to those questions side by side gave me clarity on what actions I needed to take moving forward.

In my cocoon stage, I had to uproot all the false beliefs and messages I had about myself and replace them with more positive, loving and kind ones. These daily affirmations became a North Star that pointed me in the direction of who I wanted to become. They became the foundation of an abundance mindset that helped me believe I could evolve. These statements guided me to cultivate positive and healthy habits and investments in my life. Everyday, I made the decision and commitment to face myself and focus on my own evolution. This meant lessening the amount of time I spent on social media and spending more time rooted within, focused on more fulfilling pastimes. If I was on social media, I filled my feed up with positive and encouraging content. I switched my mindset from, “I wish I could have xyz” (scarcity mindset) to “It is possible for me to have xyz, there’s enough for all of us” (abundance mindset). I continued to curate my black women in luxury instagram page to focus on more women who look like me living a life of abundance, positivity, love, joy, peace and opulence. I even filled my room with these pictures to create an inspiring vision for myself—to reinforce a loving, gentle message to myself: that black girls like me deserve better. This underlying belief helped me eradicate and release the old habits and thoughts that weighed me down. Gradually, as I continued to implement these newer and more positive ideas and actions, I began to evolve, from a caterpillar to a butterfly. However, my evolution isn’t over. That’s an exciting aspect about womanhood I recently discovered. We can reinvent ourselves as many times as we like. We aren’t tied down to any outside perspectives. At any moment, we can choose to refocus on ourselves; we can choose who we want to be. I am still growing, changing and evolving. Every day, I am still learning new things about myself and falling deeper in love with myself. I consciously chose to equate the false beliefs, perceptions and experiences I had in the past with dust. I affirmed myself.

To recap, to start this journey, know that there is no destination. Life isn’t linear, it’s cyclical. There are no bounds or limitations to your own self-love. As time goes on, you can evolve as many times as you desire. You can learn new things about yourself, develop your personal autonomy and navigate the things that only you can control. Shift your focus back to yourself. Become self aware and get to know yourself. Invest in a journal. Allow your self-expression to unfold within these pages. Don’t hold yourself back. Try whatever journaling method suits you whether it's stream of consciousness writing, morning pages, scripting or etc. There are many youtube videos on this subject. There’s also a good book on this topic called The New Diary by Tristine Rainer. It’s a little dated but it’s insightful. Also, take time out of your day just for you. Create a daily practice of self care even if it’s just for 10 minutes. The purpose of this is to center and ground yourself. As young adults, we often divide ourselves amongst many obligations: school, work, relationships, social media and etc. Your sacred time is for YOU. This is important because it will help you recalibrate to your own North Star and remember your personal vision for yourself and your life.

Know that these two concepts can coexist: you are enough in this present moment and you have the potential of evolving into whoever you want to become. Love yourself throughout your evolution and extend love to past versions of yourself. At any given moment, you are worthy of love, especially your own.

[rainbowsky]

Final round-up of fan fic asks

I've gotten a few more interesting responses to the fan fic discussion so I'm going to round them all up here. This will be my final post on the topic until/unless there's a dramatic new development, or a particularly notable response I want to highlight. Thanks to everyone who brought their thoughts and experiences to the topic. I hope everyone at least feels heard.

The biggest piece of advice that I would like to offer is for everyone to focus on what they love rather than what they hate. If we all did that, the world would be a better place. Alongside that, I'd like to remind everyone to please support authors whose work you like. It's so important. Give them a kudos, give them a nice comment, recommend their work to others. You never know what kind of grief and harassment they are dealing with to bring you these great stories, and our support means a lot.

This is in reference to previous posts here and here.

Anonymous asked:

With regard to fandom and fan fic issue, my years of experience being part of very large fandoms has led me to believe that big accounts are v important in facilitating and enforcing the general consensus of the whole fandom. Unless there will be big accs who'll remind everyone of being respectful & just not being a dick over other's preferences, nothing will change.

This is also the reason why I think certain solo fandoms have adapted weird and twisted narratives as their general fandom story because no big acc has tried to police them & and say hey pls be rational. Whether we like it or not, in a place where how far voices, ideas, tweets, posts get heard is based on the number of followers you have, big accs will have the power and influence in creating/curating/shifting the narratives.

So, if you want to know why your/our fandom thinks like this in general, look at what big accs are tweeting/posting, look at what ideas & values they follow, look at their preferences or how strongly they react to certain situations. it's taxing and toxic for big accs given the nature of social media these days, but it's also the reality of system, the more followers/audience you have, the more influence you will have.

So to anyone reading this I hope we all practice more restraint and reflection before we post anything. Remember that words, no matter what medium you write it in, will always carry weight.

So true. It is easy - even for myself who spends a fair chunk of time answering people's asks - to forget that people can sometimes be impressionable and what we say can influence people whether that's our intent or not. I get used to thinking of myself as a regular guy just doing my own thing when sometimes my thoughts and words go well beyond where I initially posted them.

I think it's important for us to be careful what we say, and it's equally important to be careful what we take from what other people say. Especially when it comes to big claims. Always get a second, third, fourth opinion and don't be afraid to ask for clarification if something doesn't sit right or sounds confusing.

It's also important to reflect on how our words and actions might affect other people's experience of fandom, and err on the side of 'live and let live' wherever possible. It's great to have our own preferences and to champion them, but we should try to do so in a way that leaves space for other people and perspectives.

The more unique perspectives and the more friendly, open dialog there is, the healthier the community will be as a whole.

There's nothing wrong with encouraging and guiding growth in the particular areas we are interested in, as long as it doesn't step on, oppress or attack those who are peacefully enjoying something different.

Anonymous 2 asked: bjyx fans attacking gdgdbaby for including zsww/lsfy dynamics in an event named bjyx then turning right around and attacking the zsww/lsfy event organizer for excluding bjyx? god, can you hear my facepalm and sigh of resignation and incredulity from over there? im genuinely not surprised that they're trying to drive an entire part of the fandom out by disgusting them (and me) with these immature tactics. i believe what im about to say next will sound quite bait-y and i respect your decision 1/?

should you choose not to post this. but i do know that it is not only me, in fact there are many out there, that is of this opinion. we just dont talk about it on twitter to avoid the potential mess it will bring lol. okay, here goes nothing. (do note that im talking about the majority here, not every single person is like this) so bjyx fans tend to be cishet females whereas zsww/lsfy fans are more diverse in terms of age and gender, and most of them are part of the queer community too 2/?

i would like to clarify that most of these zsww/lsfy fans are not dynamic exclusive (in the sense that they are friendly and interact with all ggdd fans) they just prefer to "identify" themselves as zsww/lsfy fans (on twitter specifically) just to form a distinction from bjyx fans who mostly are dynamic exclusive (as in; they do not consume non-bjyx content, and straightup refuse to interact with non-bjyx fans, often blocking them). as a result, id say that the zsww/lsfy communiy is way more 3/?

mature and respectful (after all, they're mostly queer people talking about a queer ship) whereas many problems in this fandom, such as the homophobia, adamantly insisting on "drawing lines" between dynamics, stem from the bjyx exclusive fans, comprised of cishet females who "may not know better". so, it is of no surprise to me that they're resorting to these immature tactics of calling gg unsavory names, and organizing retaliatory events with controversial topics in an attempt to "purify". 4/4

I trust that you have arrived at that theory through your own experience and observation. I haven't personally spent much time immersed in this stuff so I can't claim to have any real insight or expertise. If you say that's your experience of it, then at the very least that's how you've seen things up to this point.

I just want to say that I think we should always be careful about making assumptions about people's age, gender/gender identity, etc.

There are plenty of good reasons to avoid doing that; because those assumptions could be very wrong, because those assumptions are often laced with ageism, sexism, etc., because those assumptions - even when correct - might not be an accurate basis for the conclusions we draw.

But the primary reason I recommend avoiding those type of assumptions is because anything that enables us to clump a group of people together in our minds like that will tend to make them easier to demonize and dehumanize. They are no longer individuals who are each responsible for their own unique perspectives, they are now 'the X group' who is known for 'A B C series of easily attackable ideas or behaviors'.

If we attribute undesirable traits and behaviors to a group of people we feel opposed to in some way, that makes us feel more righteous and justified in behaving unfairly toward them, dismissing their humanity and warring with them. It's just risky behavior to engage in, even when it's well-intentioned.

There might actually be some truth to what you're saying. It could very well be that most of these people are young, inexperienced, heteronormative, etc. but if that's the case then we should try to use those traits to better understand and empathize rather than to better dismiss and discredit.

Just my two cents on that.

It can be really frustrating dealing with what feels like other people attacking us, trying to oppress us, etc. - especially when there are more of them than there are of us. In my experience the best solutions to that sort of problem are generally the ones that focus on what we are doing and want to do rather than what they are doing that we don't want them to do.

As I am always preaching, we can't control what other people say, do or think. The only thing we have any control over is what we say, do and think (and how we respond to what they say, do and think).

I have found in my experience that the moment I step out of a conflict mindset and instead step into a problem-solving mindset, everything starts to come together. I feel better, my outlook is more positive, I can begin to see solutions and allies rather than problems and enemies, and most of all, I become more focused on what I am doing than what others are doing.

So I would recommend everyone who is invested in resolving these conflicts focus on that. "How can we best showcase and encourage the types of stories we enjoy?" instead of "How can we stop these other people from doing things we dislike?"

Anonymous 3 asked:

Hello again! It’s anon #3 from the fanfic post. I really do appreciate reading your thoughts on various issues like this, so thank you for always taking time to write in depth. As for supporting without going to war, the simplest way has always been to just show appreciation for the creators, hype them up. Kudos are the easiest way on ao3 but comments in addition are great. This goes for all content—art, fics, vids..etc. Creators love to see and read how people react to their content. Sharing is also great, fic recs are very helpful, just be cautious with art and reposting though. Hope this helps a bit!

Thanks so much, Anon. I think this is excellent advice. And it's true that appreciation is great, but helping to expand the audience is also great. Recommending stories, pointing people to the pages/websites of artists we like (as opposed to reposting), sharing our own ideas and approaches, encouraging people to try new things... all of this helps build healthier communities.

And here's another one: WRITE! DRAW! CREATE!

I urge anyone with creative interests or talents to bring their voices to the community because we all can benefit from hearing from you.

Thanks again everyone for sharing your thoughts on this issue. I hope that over time we can all work in positive ways to improve the situation.

I think this subject has been well-covered now so I'm going to retire it for the time being. If anyone still feels they want to discuss it further please feel free to message me privately. Thanks.

[sibyl-of-space]

Lots of feelings and thoughts under readmore, but for those who don’t want to read it: if you are on here reading this and you ALSO have a DeviantArt you still use (even if it’s very sparingly) that you’d be willing to share with me, can you shoot a DM? I’ve decided to rekindle my old account for a lot of reasons. Or at least try it out.

It’s similar to the reason I came back to Tumblr and the reason I made my own shitty hand-coded HTML disaster website. We’re all feeling it: how shitty the internet is now. I’m trying out a lot of different approaches to find a healthier relationship to communities, and being an artist and a person on the internet.

I basically had a breakdown this weekend over probably the stupidest possible thing that made me really look at myself and what I’m doing. Or... trying to do. What the hell I’m trying to accomplish.

Because I made that OoT Link amiibo I was so proud of, and I AM SO HAPPY WITH IT. I mean, I literally made it because I like playing OoT with the Zora Tunic and Hover Boots on, so I made a figure FOR ME based on MY TASTES. And it came out SO GOOD I literally could not be happier. And I posted it, and all of my friends were like “Leo that is so cool holy shit.” Which sounds like... the perfect outcome, right?

Except my brain has been fried by Number Go Up and I just felt this emptiness and dread, and I came to a really uncomfortable and disturbing realization as to why.

Like, a lot of shit I post is kind of intentionally for the niche-est of niche audiences, so I kind of expect 99% of my content to get 3 likes from my close friends and that’s about it, as it should be. But... I think, because for once I was actually posting about something that more than 8 people in the universe care about, and (in my opinion) I made something of pretty damn good quality, I had this expectation that I’d... go fucking viral or something.

(I really, really think my couple years being addicted - and I do mean addicted in the unhealthy brain-destroying sense - to Reddit is largely to blame for this. My Yggdrasill ToS cosplay was at one point the highest voted post on the Tales of subreddit; it was easy to feel like a micro-celebrity of sorts with that kind of reaction. Quitting Reddit was legitimately the best thing I’ve ever done for my mental health but it kind of permanently altered my expectations for either Immediate and Immense Approval And Worship, or worthlessness.)

So even though I made something that was supposed to be self-indulgent, and the people whose opinions I care about all gave me glowing positive feedback, I was disappointed because I posted something that Could Be Popular and it wasn’t. And I just kind of sat with that for a second and thought back to posting really shitty fanart in middle school and having a circle of online friends who were also shitty learning artists and we would just talk about video games and draw together and... well I kind of just wondered where the hell it went wrong.

When did I start performing for an imaginary audience of strangers so often, so frequently, and so intensely that it soured my ability to be happy with one of the straight up coolest things I’ve made recently??

And the thing is... well, as far as spaces to share art, what I currently have is...

* Twitter, where there is nothing even close to an archive of past art and everything is just instant snapshots soon to be forgotten * Tumblr, where the site-wide search functions are a hot mess and I feel like I’m competing with 50% the fact that no one can find anything and 50% Mona Lisas on display everywhere under the same tags I’m using * Instagram, which somehow has both the “instantaneous snapshots and then it’s worthless” problem AND the “everything I post is competing with professionals” problem (and not just professionals at the art form, but professionals at SOCIAL MEDIA - because curating your art for interaction on social media is its own whole thing) * Discord but I’ll be real there’s baggage there I’m too exhausted to get into right now. There are some promising spaces though for community, but there is absolutely no form of archive or way to look back on personal growth * My website, which is the only space that feels right for how I want my art to be experienced, but also is completely lacking the community aspect.

So, I looked at my old DeviantArt account. I KNOW about the whole f*cking disk horse with eneftitties and I hate it so much and I’m not even going into it. But my old DeviantArt account has shit I posted in 2012 on there, shit I posted in 2008 on there, and has space for journals and groups and fanfiction and interacting with other users while also centering (or at least, it seems to me) art.

And it’s just about the only space that has felt like that, honestly. Where I can be an artist and a person, post things I like with a little story under them under whatever dimensions, even SLIGHTLY customize my landing page, join little communities of like-minded people.

I logged in and, well unsurprisingly it’s a ghost town and only like 1 person I “Watched” a billion years ago still posts. But then I turned on full FFIX brain and went to search for pictures of Freya Crescent, and in an experience I haven’t had on any other goddamn website in as long as I can remember, I received A HUGE VARIETY OF PICTURES OF EXACTLY THAT, from dates as recent as the past couple years to literally over 15 years ago. Very rough amateurish MS paint drawings showed up right next to professional quality polished pieces and they were all what I was searching for.

Like, holy fuck, HOW fucked is it that THAT experience - searching for a topic on an art site, and seeing that topic, ONLY that topic, and a huge variety of results in it - is so rare that it stopped me in my tracks?

But, like, it’s obviously sad too. It’s sad clicking through the banners of all the old groups I joined and seeing the last posts from like 2014. It’s sad that part of the reason it’s easy to find old drawings of Freya Crescent is because next to nobody has uploaded any in the past 5 years. It’s sad that eneftitties are fucking artists over so bad a lot of them jumped ship in protest, and it’s sad that I feel like I’m engaging with a side of this site that stopped really being alive 10 years ago.

But I’m giving it a try anyway. Because GOD I just want to have a place to share art that isn’t a competition and isn’t polished and professional and beautiful and might let me make and maintain friendships that I actually care about. I’m not trying to compete with pros here I’m just trying to post my things and be myself and have people who might like it be able to find it, so I can find them too. Maybe I want to join an FFIX fan club group and look at a billion pictures of Zidane and Garnet. WHO IS TO SAY.

Anyway.... this is 70% vent post, 30% desperate plea if any of you are on DA to hit me up and let me know what your username is because I would love to log in and see people I know and care about and get excited about what they’re making, instead of just seeing empty long-dead long-abandoned accounts and wondering what those people are up to.

[yasbxxgie]

The Artist’s Way: Writer-director Radha Blank ruminates on creative frustration and rejuvenation in her debut feature, The Forty-Year-Old Version

Fair warning: This interview with Radha Blank isn’t business — it’s personal. Right now, like at this very moment, Radha is being introduced to the world as the writer, director, and star of the remarkable new Netflix film The Forty-Year-Old Version. But I remember Radha in the 1990s, smashing open mics at Brooklyn Moon in N.Y.C., rocking a fitted N.Y. Yankees cap and big hoop earrings. I remember her jumping into cyphers and catching wreck (read: she can dance her ass off) at Club Kilimanjaro. I remember sitting in the audience of her play Seed in 2011 and thinking, Damn, homegirl can write. I remember witnessing the rise of her emcee alter ego and one-woman show RadhaMUSprime at Joe’s Pub in 2014 and thinking, Damn, Radha can rhyme. AND she funny AF. Because Radha was (and is) a part of a close-knit artists’ community, I also recall her hustle, the keeping-the-lights-on-while-trying-to-make-your-dreams-come-true shuffle we know so well. Radha worked as a teacher, she wrote for children’s television and for shows such as Empire and She’s Gotta Have It.

So when The Forty-Year-Old Version won the U.S. Dramatic Directing Award at Sundance earlier this year, the community rejoiced! This wasn’t just a win for Radha, it was a win for the people. Here was a film rooted in Radha’s own story, about a woman at 40; a Black artist trying to get her stories told — as a playwright and as a rapper; a daughter grieving the death of her mother. Radha told her story her way, down to shooting the streets of New York on 35mm film in black and white. The result is a whole, liberating mood. There’s even a nod to Prince’s Purple Rain.

Karen Good Marable: First of all, Radha, congratulations! The Forty-Year-Old Version is amazing. Your success feels so much like a win for Brooklyn. A win for us all. Thank you for writing it. Radha Blank: I really did make it for us — us being Black women, Black women of a certain age, Black women artists of a certain age. I didn’t think I’d be starting a whole new career in my 40s, but I think it speaks to what’s possible if you let go of other people’s ideas of where you should be in your life. If I listened to other people and gave credence to their ideas, I would not be here.

Amen. When you were younger, did you have the boxes to check, i.e., “I need to get this done by 30, I need to get this done by 40”? Were you that girl? RB:

I think I was that girl. And I always say this about aging: It’s never really about the person; it’s about other people’s perceptions that you then take on. I thought by 40, I would be married with a couple of kids, all of my work being published, theaters asking, “Can we do a revival of this play now?” I really thought once I decided to be a playwright, which was probably my mid-20s, I thought, Oh, by 40, I’m going to be set up. I will have a house. And I do have a house, but that came from Cookie and Lucious Lyon. They got me a house.

Come through, Empire. RB:

I feel like we’ve all been conditioned to think that 40 is: You’re an adult, you’re accomplished, you’re established. What me and my character share is there’s still all of these “who am I” moments, questions around identity. Especially when my mother died, I really had to figure out who I was, because so much of my life as a woman, as a person, as a Black American, as an artist, was tied to this woman. When she died, I really had no sense of myself. So I feel like my personal experience propelled me toward telling the story. We just don’t see women of that age saying, What do I do next? Am I happy? Is this enough?

Your mother — curator, visual artist, cinephile, and arts teacher Carol Blank — figures prominently in the film. She is a goddess and a guide, but she also represents a complicated lesson in what it means to be an artist. RB: Oh, listen, I feel like everything I’ve learned, I’ve learned from my mother — from my frustration as an artist to being a teaching artist for so long. That’s where I learned how to be a director, honestly. I didn’t go to film school. I did stand-up comedy and all this performance stuff, and my first example was my mother. She knew how to turn a phrase or a joke to get the kids interested, and if they weren’t, she wasn’t going to push it. I learned from her first, and I tried to match her energy.

I don’t know what my mother went through when she turned 40, as an artist. I know she was a mom of two by that time, but I gathered — especially because she was a teaching artist for so many years — that she was hustling, jumping between these different roles, trying to make sense of something for herself. In that way, I feel like the movie and my journey as an artist brought me closer to her. I was like, Oh, this is what you had to go through. And then you had two kids on top of that?

In the film, your character is also a teacher. As much as she tries to model support and positivity, sometimes the frustration seeps through. One line stayed with me: “Don’t think that because you created something, people will appreciate it.” RB:

Yeah, I have been bitter. I was able to transform that into a film; it gave me a story to tell. But I did feel that theater as an institution didn’t pay off, there wasn’t much of a dividend. I had done a play in 2011 called Seed, and everyone was like, “Girl, this is your breakout! This is your moment! This play is going on Broadway!” None of that shit happened. Theater was not responding in the same way. I was quietly devastated by it, and I think the movie is my exploration of the why. How come things didn’t happen for me? Here’s someone who has been trying for 20-something years and my biggest accomplishment was 10 years ago when I was 30. That’s why I invented the 30 Under 30 award for my character: The idea that accomplishments are amplified by one’s proximity to youth. There’s no 50 Under 50 award. Or 60 Under 60. Being young and doing something as an artist seems more of a cause for celebration. You know what I mean?

There’s also this theme of displacement that runs through the film. In addition to your protagonist feeling out of place in the classroom and in the theater community, she’s also setting a play, Harlem Ave, that deals with gentrification. RB:

So, my parents were gentrifiers in their own way in the late 60s and 70s, when they moved to the south side of Williamsburg, Brooklyn. They didn’t displace people, because what they and their artist and jazz musician comrades would do is take over dilapidated spaces that were considered unlivable — broken-down lofts and factories and storefronts — and create community. There was an investment in engaging the community that came before you, whereas now I think gentrification really is just about an opportunity for the person moving in — “Oh, look at this dope, cheap brownstone that I can get” — with no regard for what came before.

Right. RB: The same thing happens with these artistic institutions: They find a dilapidated space, they revive it and put a million dollars into it. Then when it comes to programming, the people on the stage don’t look like the people outside of the gate. They’re thinking of their silver-haired patrons, because those people can afford a $100 ticket, and that is who I feel most of the theaters cater to. So when diversity shows up on the stage, it’s a version of diversity that protects the audience from feeling bad about racism or sexism. They can still remain in a comfortable place, so they can come back next week or next month and see something for the $300 membership.

But then you brilliantly juxtapose said institutions with the battle rap in the Bronx. RB: I wanted to show these different hubs of art in New York. This film is about capturing an authentic New York experience, and so we shot that battle rap scene at a warehouse space at the tip-top of the Bronx. Art and culture are happening in these spaces that we’re not always focusing the camera on and that don’t have the multimillion-dollar renovation fund of a downtown theater. But this is theater. This is art.

Is that battle based on an actual show? RB:

Yes. Well, we recreated that. Babs Bunny, who people may recognize from Making the Band, created this brand called Queen of the Ring. If you go on YouTube, you’ll see their battle raps. I would watch them because I just needed to see women slaying shit and not being proper or polite. I just wanted to put it into a cinematic world.

Your pen is equally hard-hitting, Radha. Rhymes like “Poverty Porn” and “This Some Bullshit” do so much in revealing character, advancing the narrative. RB:

Thank you. I mean, I feel like if we’re stopping to listen to a song, it should still be about advancing the narrative. We’re still moving forward, riding on this person’s frustration, but into the next scene, next act, or what have you. I think it comes from being a playwright, making sure that everything is earned and not just thrown in there for novelty or because it’s colorful and interesting. I feel like RadhaMUSprime is probably an explosion of her consciousness, the things that she’d been suppressing.But yeah, I’m an emcee. I rhyme. The beautiful thing about the film is I didn’t have to become a professional rapper. I don’t feel like the movie is 8 Mile. I say the movie is 2 Mile,

because she’s not trying to go that far. She’s not trying to be a hip-hop star. For her, hip-hop is a meditation and it shows up in many ways, from the trap beat floating outside her window, to her freestyling in the mirror, or with the dudes in the basement cypher at Arlene’s Grocery.

In some ways, the moral and artistic struggles of The Forty-Year-Old Version remind me of Hollywood Shuffle, Robert Townsend’s 1987 classic. RB:

I appreciate that you bring up Hollywood Shuffle, because I know that because I’m Black and I’m shooting in black and white, people always make the comparison to She’s Gotta Have It. But I feel like my film calls back to Hollywood Shuffle, about a Black artist confronting the white gatekeepers on who gets to tell a Black story and how.

Exactly. And like Townsend, you wrote, directed, and starred in your own first feature film. How was that experience, and do you think you would do it again? RB:

I wouldn’t say I regret being in my film, but I think that there’s probably more of a fascination with my film because I’m in it. And I have too much respect for actors to call myself one. I don’t come from training. I don’t sit in these auditions day after day. I don’t have to endure seven callbacks for a role. I just think that when an audience is familiar with a face, it might make it easier for them to go down the line with this person. So while I don’t plan on being in another one of my films, I do plan on mining my family legacy for storytelling, and on telling stories where music is a driving force.I really want to be an auteur. I’m hoping that my stories get quieter. Very quiet, but very potent. A slow burn, but such a beautiful payoff. I want to make work like that.

Amen.

Photographs:

Radha Blank on set, t & m

Radha Blank with her fellow cast members

[reflections-in-a-critical-eye]

Damn i have lost all my respect for you now. Its quite astounding how you and so many blogs turn the fact that ‘army’ support bts into something derogatory and vilify them by painting them as stupid and uneducated. Agreeing to some ‘unpopular’ opinions doesn’t make you an intellectual.

About that Billboard interview, many publications DID feel that it was micro- aggressive and rude not just army- who you already think are stupid. Secondly, there were no counterfactuals on the side of Western artist’s purpose. If BTS is being blamed for chart manipulation then why is Dua Lipa’s VPN scandal or Shawn Mendes’s payola scandaled not added too? Now, dont tell me that its a cover story for bts so they cant bring that out. Other artists CAN be talked about and given requisite stance when it comes to arguments. If the interviewer could include tweets from stan twitter tweeted by a troll account, then he could do more research too. Also, its a Cover Story of an official music publication. There were no quotes from the artists themselves, the flow of the interview differed on how the words of bts were portrayed, there were no add ons to what their musicality was etc.

I understand the point of disbandment, obviously. Many people are waiting to see bts fail- including you- so it may be termed as some interesting ‘spill’. What i do not understand was politicising bts as a band and then next delegitimising all their success in the very next paragraph and THEN saying that fans are rabid and its all part of kpop- not true artistry.

Now of course, i cant tell you to adhere to my views because i’ll be the ‘bad’ army who is ‘rabid’ and ‘dumb’ because I do not see eye to eye with you and that other blog that uses flowery language. Seems like you just want to have a different opinion because you wouldn’t want to be pooled into that part of a rabid fanbase, yes? I mean, obviously, using big words and giving disclaimers must do you some good. This is not a hate message by any means, i am just stating my opinions - as i do have a right to- as one your previous avid followers.

Anon, I don't believe that using threats should count as Army support, which is one of the main aspects I had a problem with. I did not make that post in order to set myself apart, or agreeing to it just because it's unpopular and I want to go against the norm. I have read that article and had my own opinion before even going online to see what's happening. Popular, unpopular, it doesn't matter to me because I don't feel the need to be part of any group, regardless of its nature. And about me using big words and wanting to be an intellectual in order to set myself apart, please...I have to laugh. I'm not a 20 year old in need of attention or trying to distinguish myself among a group, I don't care about that, I don't have time for that and I'm certainly not trying to appear something I'm not. And you're right, I'm not some intellectual, I am just a random person on the internet who wants to share my opinion, just like everyone else and I chose this platform because it gives me the opportunity to exercise my writing and also have readers sharing their thoughts. That's all.

If I have lost your respect, so be it. You said you were an avid follower, which means you were interested in what I had to say until now and you probably figured out what is my position towards BTS and what my approaches are. So my question is how did you conclude that I want BTS to fail? This is ridiculous for a number of reasons. First of all, I am at an age where I have 0 interest in going online to hate post or to do that in order to make some waves. Actually I never had, because that's not how I've learned to talk about things. Second of all, it's pointless to talk about failure when it comes to BTS because they have already succeeded. With or without getting nr 1 on charts and despite consequences of military enlistment. The longevity and impact of a band does not consist solely of chart positions. First and foremost it's about artistry, their music, and even them as a group and individuals. Taking these into consideration and looking back at their career, they have already made their mark and nothing can change that. To me, this is more important than the number of records they sale. They might be a window into the popularity of a band, but I don't think that should be the main focus because in the process, we could possibly forget the exact things that made people get an interest in BTS and why they were able to stand out from a crowd.

I believe in having conversations, even contradictory, which is one of the reasons why I chose to answer this message. I could have deleted it, but this is an adult space and I'm not planning on curating it in a way in which I would only display opinions that I agree with. I've probably said several times how important it is to be able to listen to different sides. I do not put a label on those that disagree with me because I'm perfectly aware of how such thing is impossible.

[levyfiles]

I want to start a shyan blog but I’m so scared because I don’t know how Shane and Ryan actually feel about it which makes me nervoussssssss help

Ohhh boy, brace yourself, nonnyhunny. I’ve got some word vomit for ya

To start off with, I just want anyone and everyone who is currently new to navigating this terrain we call the internet to know one thing and that is this one very important concept. Embrace your own insignificance! The internet is a big place. I once read a post on here that encouraged new users to think of Tumblr itself like you’re walking into a Walmart. You’re not here to make friends and you’re not here to shop for everyone else; you’re filling your own cart with the things you need and like and if someone comes along and takes a long good look at the things in your cart and says, “WOAH there, eating trans fats is unhealthy for you! I never eat trans fats because of a big list of reasons! Stop buying trans fats!!” you’re gonna be both puzzled and annoyed because it’s your cart, your Walmart experience; why the hell do they care what you’re gonna get?

However! I get it, the internet is now comprised of six different websites/apps and if you’re on there, there is no way to avoid or curate a completely ideal sense that you’ve made a space that’s all your own. There are going to be people who disagree with you, people who decide they don’t like what you do, but ultimately, in the midst of all that, you’re going to find people who feel the same in whatever regard you express yourself and that’s why it’s important to just express yourself because otherwise you’re going to develop a lot of disingenuous connections with people who would likely try to ruin your life if you disagree with them on some subject or other.

Now with that whole disclaimer in mind, I also understand where you’re coming from. Putting myself in the shoes of someone just trying to participate in a new fandom where there is a lot of contention among the masses about the rights and wrongs of RPF and whether the concept fits in with a philosophical debate about human nature and the way we interact with each other, witness each other’s journeys. That’s simply it, however; it’s an ongoing debate and where philosophy and debate are concerned, I always hold the belief that an individual’s right to ground themselves and say “These are the principles I wish to abide by” is sacred and ultimately, no amount of anonymous hatred or shrieking messages of outrage is gonna change that until you yourself decide that the principle isn’t working for you personally. My principle is that it’s fiction; an AU to explore as valid and sweet to me as demon!Shane headcanons are, but moreso because I identify with queer love stories and friendships forged by strangely deep similarities and complementing souls. I also love personalities like theirs, love the idea of said friendship and what it would bring to a story about two human beings who meet by happenstance and end up building something world-changing together. Still, because I am just a writer and a consumer of media, that’s the nicest thing I can give myself, a fictional account of these things while witnessing the real version happen in parallel. I get to celebrate in the overlap of similarities the real world and my fictional account take and watch it inspire my friends and mutuals to build their own universes and it’s beautiful. 

With that point being made, I also understand the reason a lot of people are nervous about being open about shipping. The backlash from a bunch of strangers seems to take on a note that would make even the nicest person sound like a puritan about to hold some extravagant witch trials. Nothing more interesting than a person claiming to do good in the world using words like “exterminate” “cleanse” or my personal favourite “purge”. I’ve read rumours being spread about shippers that take on their own life especially because it’s human nature to let other people handle the research; it’s human nature to just take a believable narrative at face value. One rumour being that shippers of this fandom write stories where we kill off Shane and Ryan’s significant others. Myself and my friends who are avid readers of the ao3 tag know that that hasn’t been the case since 2016/17 and by all accounts, I have yet to find the fic where this happens (barring a tinsworth fic I’ve only heard about). Mind you, not many of us check out Wattpad but even there it’s more self-insert friendly with themes I can’t even stomach. 

Which leads me to the last point and the main reason you sent this ask, I’m assuming. Ryan and Shane’s personal thoughts on the issue. Now, it behooves me to supply screenshots and proof when I make a claim but let’s consider if instead from the perspective of two adult men who have operated online far longer than a lot of their audience. Given that I am the same age as Shane, I know what the internet used to look like and how far it’s come and RPF is not a brand new thing neither did it pop up out of nowhere when One Direction debuted. And just like fanfiction in and of itself had its pushback from media because of its demographic and absolutely because of its queer-leanings, RPF appears to get a lot of that same energy, but it’s not an inherently toxic past time. Much like any fandom activity, it can get bad because fandom is not a monolith; it’s a bunch of individuals enjoying a medium in the ways they have learned to. You’re gonna get some individuals who “do it wrong” and some who do it differently, but ultimately, just like the forums and the reddit threads Shane and Ryan trawl in their past time, there are circles you learn not to veer into and terms you learn to blacklist/block/mute. With that being an indication of where they’re coming from as internet creators, I am confident when I say that, as long as it’s not being mailed to them, linked or quoted at them, they don’t care. They would know something that gets popular on the internet summons a brand of transformative art and fiction but much like they tend to ignore thirst tweets in their mentions or the repetitive requests for the same things over and over. They’d see it and gloss right over it. Shane is the type who writes long essays on reddit addressing the things that bother him, Ryan is weird and vocal and an oversharer sometimes when it comes to things Shaniacs say to him (i.e. that Voice he did for the occasional Shaniac who approaches him). It’s just one of the incarnations of fandom that they choose not to engage with, which, good? Because it’s a fan-specific activity. Once in a while you get a creator who wants to interact with fanfiction and it goes sideways because not all stories are written for them, much like not all fanart is made with the mindset to share with them. 

It’s just a regular old fan interaction and community habit that builds bigger followings. 

All in all, I’m not gonna tell you what to do. Unless you mean to be in their @’s all the time or link them on discord, or put any of your content in their hands, they are not going to see it. They don’t care. What they do care about is that you’re watching, that you support them and send them encouragement because they’re creating their own medium of content and a bigger following means more people get to see it and extract something positive from it.  

[theroyalmile]

No Returns, No Exchanges

Disclaimer: I have debated for quite a while whether or not I should post this blog.  Social media is such a curated space for joy and happiness, it can feel oppressive at times.  There is so much life-changing positivity, from engagements to new jobs; and don’t get me wrong, that happiness is great to see.  But on the other hand, all of that positivity makes me feel like sharing any kind of negative information is attention-seeking and an immense overshare.  So let’s ask ourselves why I feel that way.  Why is happiness celebrated while the sad, sometimes harsh realities of life are thought to be oversharing?  More specifically, why do we feel like life-changing news can only be shared when it doesn’t make other people uncomfortable?  Our expressions of pain should not be regulated by the comfort levels of the people who surround us.  There comes a time when not sharing something begins to feel like hiding something, and hiding something turns to shame.  That is a feeling that I refuse to welcome into my life right now.  So here we go. 

It has been a while since I posted anything… a really long while.  It has been rare, these past few years, that I have even felt I had anything much to say let alone write anything, mostly because my life has been fairly normal, fairly unextraordinary, and I am rather blessed to be saying that during such a difficult time for so many. The few moments where I have felt like I had something to say have been fleeting, and after a good 2am word vomit on paper, I have filed these musings under “not to be seen by the light of day” which is probably for the best.

 Sometimes in the past I would find myself wishing I had something interesting going on in my life, something worthy of commentary… I don’t know, I was thinking like a cool hobby, an interesting skill, a kick-ass career, or a run in with Tom Hardy like I’d always dreamed of… something.  

 Well, to whoever is in charge, this is not what I meant, and I would like to request a refund. 

 Because as its final parting kick in the ass 2020 decided to gift me with breast cancer.  This isn’t a bad punch line, it’s just the truth.Let me give you a second to process that one.  I certainly needed a few.

 The thing is, a little itty bitty 3-centimeter tumor- that’s not something I can give back, as much as I might want to.  It’s not a too-large sweater you can return with a gift receipt, and it’s not a bad haircut you can complain about and get your money back (though it certainly will include one in a week or so!)

 A lot of you already know this story and frankly it’s not one I can tell with much finesse or humor, so I will keep it brief.  It was a dark and stormy 6pm when I found a lump in my breast in the shower back in November.  My initial thought was “you’re a crazy lady and a hypochondriac, let’s give it a few weeks since this is probably nothing.”   A few weeks, when my imaginary lump seemed to not actually be imaginary, I figured okay, it’s time to see my doctor, it’s probably nothing but we need to make sure.  I was in fact so unconcerned about it that I didn’t even see my regular doctor. I figured I just needed a medical professional to feel me up and let me know what to do next.  I didn’t even bother mentioning it to my parents. (For context of my laissez-faire, when I was 14 I found a lump in my breast that turned out, after little fanfare, to be a cyst which was unceremoniously drained on a cold metal table by a male doctor in a somewhat traumatizing but ultimately benign event.  That’s a longer story for later). 

 Cue a physical exam, confirming I was not crazy and there was a lump, but it was probably nothing; an utltrasound, confirming the lump was a shape that they did not like, but it was probably nothing; and an ultrasound guided biopsy, in which the probably nothing was sampled.  The week between Christmas and New Year’s was spent impatiently waiting for the news, increasingly feeling that my probably nothing was maybe, actually something.

 On December 28 around lunch time I received a phone call in the middle of the work day from the radiologist, who while very nice, was someone I had only met once while she shot a needle in and out of my boob.  She asked me how I was doing and then told me my test results were in.  “I’m sorry to say it’s not good news,” she said.

 And believe it or fucking not my immediate thought was “It’s not good news… it’s great news!” My brain supplied this as if on autopilot like some kind of 90s game show host, knowing fully well that I would not be so lucky because we are not living in a Brooklyn 99 episode.  It’s weird where your brain goes under duress.

 It was one of the most uncomfortable phone calls I have ever had, wherein I found myself trying to reassure a complete stranger that I was okay and I’m pretty sure I even said, “it is what it is.”  I was told a breast surgeon and oncologist from my provider network would be in contact and the call ended. Ultimately, I was diagnosed with Stage 1B Triple Negative Invasive Ductal and Lobular Carcinoma.  No returns, no exchanges.

 I am two months into my diagnosis, and 1/8 of my way through chemotherapy, the first part of a three series treatment (to be followed by surgery and then likely radiation.)  This Friday, after my second chemotherapy treatment, I will begin to lose my hair.  Anyone who knows me at all knows that the hair loss will be a pill likely far harder for me to swallow than the chemo itself.  And while the look may have worked for Demi Moore in GI Jane, I do not have her bone structure, nor her body.  I anticipate I will look more like the yellow peanut M&M, which while obviously the best M&M of the bunch, I think we can all agree is not a cute look for me.

 I do not say this to be melodramatic, I just say this because I am cynical and pragmatic by nature: I am not particularly surprised that I have cancer.  And this is for several reasons, some of which probably deserve a longer blog later.  To put it simply, I have been surrounded by cancer, both by choice and by cruel fate and happenstance, my entire life. 

 Cruel Fate and Happenstance: Having several relatives who have gone through cancer, and a mother with a BRCA 1 genetic mutation (which I had a 50% chance of inheriting, and in fact did) I always figured it would eventually happen to me.  The odds this condition dealt me? “About 13% of women in the general population will develop breast cancer sometime during their lives. By contrast, 55%–72% of women who inherit a harmful BRCA1 variant… will develop breast cancer by 70–80 years of age.”  That 55-72% is the kind of percentage you want winning the lottery, but the lottery this most certainly is not, and that much I understood. So, I always figured something like this would probably happen.  Did I think I would be 28? No. But I figure that just makes me an overachiever. 

 Choice: I volunteered at a cancer support non-profit from the time I was 12 to the time I was 22, and I wrote my college senior thesis in anthropology on women with ovarian cancer, the cancer that killed my aunt Lizzy when I was 4 years old.  I have likely read more books on cancer than your average newly diagnosed person, which I find to be both a blessing and a curse.  On one hand, I know some of what’s coming.  On the other hand, I know some of what’s coming.  Of course I don’t think any of these things gave me cancer but you might say I have been training for this my whole life.  I think this joke is far funnier than pretty much everyone I say it to except my immediate family, because the Tenney/Koss folk are very big on gallows humor, in which case this is hilarious.  Comedy is our family coping mechanism, and I am guilty of occasionally forgetting not everyone is wired like that.   

 So where are we right now? Taking it day by day.  Do I frequently find myself wallowing in self-pity these days? Sure.  But all the same I feel truly lucky.  This is a feeling I am trying to hold on to, because I think the other options might be truly unbearable.  Why? Well, I found this tumor.  I’m 28-years-old, which means I am hardly old enough for a regular mammogram and MRI.  My last yearly physical was a TeleHealth appointment (hence no actual physical) and I will be honest, I never made a habit of regularly checking myself like I should have.  But this tumor just presented itself casually during a shower.  Breast cancer, when caught early, is highly treatable and curable, and I am fairly confident, knock on wood, that is where this particular nightmare is headed.  The fact that it was caught early: pure luck. 

Another reason I feel lucky is for the most part, I feel like I actually have the stability to handle the oncoming struggle.  I have a large and wonderful support system, an incredible and supportive partner, a savings account with actual savings in it, and a job where I am cared about as a human.  If this had happened to me three years ago, almost none of these things would be true.  There will never be a good time to have cancer, but some times are apparently better than others.  Of course, the ongoing pandemic means I can’t have people go with me to chemo, or my wig fitting, or my surgery consultations, and alone a lot of this seems much more daunting and difficult than it might otherwise have been, but I am trying to make a habit of counting my blessings, and despite this terrible thing I’ve been given, my blessings are many.

 There isn’t a “right way” to have cancer, but I think there might be a “right way” for me.  I am a private person and I find sharing some of these details difficult and more than a little uncomfortable, but I am also intimately familiar with the healing nature of writing and comedy, so I am going to give it a shot.  

 And now that I think of it… the peanut M&M is going to make a really great Halloween costume. 

[canonicallyanxious]

Weird ask. But. How do you stop yourself from getting super invested in fandoms? (for example: druck is living rent-free in my mind. It takes up like 70 percent of the space in my head/thoughts, I am sure of it)

considering i am notorious for spiraling intensely over fandoms i am maybe the wrong person to ask this question sdkfnskdjnfsk but i am going to try my best to be helpful anyway bc i do think this is a really good question everyone in fandom should probably consider at one point or another!

so right out the gate i want to say that i don’t think there’s anything wrong with being really invested in fandoms if they’re a source of comfort and joy for you! like i feel like there’s a certain stigma that comes with being a Fan but i firmly believe there is nothing to be ashamed of in what you find yourself most passionate about.

having said that i do think it’s incredibly important to establish healthy boundaries when it comes to engaging with fandom. Bc imo fandom should primarily be about having fun and enjoying the things you like, and if it gets to the point where your fandoms start giving you a lot of overly negative feelings compared to positive feelings [e.g scrolling through the tag starts causing you a lot of anxiety] or it starts to seriously impede other areas of your life [e.g ability to focus on school/work] that’s probably a good sign that you need to take a step back [in my personal experience, ofc; ymmv depending on your own experiences and such!].

So here are some things i do to help establish healthy boundaries with fandom, and again ymmv because different things work for different people but just to give an idea of some of the things i try to do to keep my relationship with fandom healthy:

[cut bc i can never not answer asks with a whole ass essay apparently]

Making sure i have other things to turn to in my free time rather than just fandom stuff. For me right now that includes cooking and playing video games, things I’m not as emotionally invested in but that lets me take a break from scrolling through tumblr or whatever when i need it. like as invested as i am in my fandom interests i am not just my fandoms, who i am as a person is not defined solely as being a Fan of things, and i find it kind of important for me to remember that.

Making friends with people who have diverse interests. I met a lot of my current internet friends through OG Skam fandom and now almost none of us are in all the same fandoms but we’re still very good friends bc we’re able to talk to each other about things not related to fandom, plus since we all engage with fandom in similar ways we can still relate to each other and have similar perspectives on things and such. i have to tell you there’s very little i find more fun than going completely unhinged in the messages of someone who has no fucking clue what i’m talking about to be answered with their unhinged rambles about something i know absolutely nothing about lol mutually supporting each other’s trashpiles is an A+++ activity

Curating my social media spaces to make sure i avoid spaces i know will probably cause me negative feelings. there’s no shame in following/unfollowing/blocking as you need to imo, like it’s good to be exposed to diverse perspectives and opinions but i think it’s also good to know your boundaries and not actively seek out stuff you know is going to piss you off or upset you. as i said i think fandom should primarily be about enjoying yourself, you know? And i’m not going to enjoy myself if i’m constantly reading things that upset me. so i’d rather keep my distance and do my best to do my own thing! for me that’s one thing i really try to get from my relationship with fandom - at the end of the day it should be something i do for me and for my own enjoyment, you know?

like really at the end of the day i just want fandom to be an enjoyable thing for me so i really try to make an effort to engage with fandom in the way that i want and not how i feel like other people would want me to engage w/ fandom. because ultimately i think no matter how you engage with fandom or how invested you are what matters the most is that you feel in control of your own experience and you have the agency/freedom to set your own boundaries that work for you!

Not... sure if any of that is actually helpful or if i’m just talking out of my ass akdfnskdjnfs but let it be known that i tried. if any of my followers have any other thoughts feel free to comment, i’d love to know what people think of this topic!

[pumpkinpaix]

Hello! and PSA

*waves* hi everyone! so uh, I’ve kind of had a bit of a surge in followers recently, and I thought I would make a bit of a PSA/intro post with a bit more targeted info than my about page.

anyways, I’m cyan! statistically speaking, you are probably here for one of the following reasons:

my fic

my meta

my gifs

my translation

all of the above

this is pretty much an mdzs blog on main these days, but I also rb a lot of other misc things because I have never been good at keeping my interests separate. it’s also my personal blog, so expect some of that? i am very all or nothing ahaha. my opinions change very quickly as I process new information, so like, something I said last week or yesterday might be different now! I’ve seen several people going through some of my older posts, and I’m just like oh dear, I said a lot of things six months ago that I no longer vibe with. /o\ please keep that in mind as you go diving in my blog!

i don’t have a BYF or DNI policy, but I reserve the right to block anyone for any reason because this is a personal blog first and foremost, and I do need to be better about setting my boundaries and curating my own online space! on that same token, you are free to follow, unfollow, block, whatever, even if we’re mutuals. <3

you’re free to come talk to me in my inbox or dms, but please be aware that there’s a very high chance I will never get back to you /o\ it isn’t personal!! I am just very mentally ill and have many difficulties with keeping up social interactions or talking to people.

in the interest of trying to be more open about myself, my brain, and what that means for me in an online/fandom space, I’m gonna do a boatload of mental health talk under the cut (or, if you’re looking at this on my blog proper or somewhere where the cut doesn’t display, it starts right after this paragraph), including mentions of self-harm/thoughts of specific self-harm etc, just so you are warned! I’ve been thinking recently that it’s good to try and take steps towards being more open about my issues, both for my own sake and others’. It’s long, because one of the fun things about my mental illness is that I am hyperverbal ahahaha (if that... wasn’t already obvious orz)

so if you’ve read pfmmpd, you can kind of get a sense of what I’m working with. a lot of how i wrote lwj was drawn directly from shit happening in my own brain, but like? dial that up from the specific issues that lwj had in that fic and apply it unilaterally across the board to almost anything you can think of.

I hesitate to describe my OCD as debilitating, but only because my specific cocktail of compulsions and anxieties and triggers push me to be hyperachieving and hyperfunctional. I consider myself pretty fortunate (?) in that regard. on paper, you could never tell how absolutely batshit my internal landscape is! which is very good for me practically in that I can hold down a job, keep scholarships, graduate with honors, have good prospects for my future, hold onto relationships (usually yikes) etc. but the fact of the matter is, I’m like. oh boy.

to give you a peek, here’s a non-exhaustive list of things that have triggered me to varying degrees of severity within the last like, week or so:

my dog

a chinese folk song

my mother reading a chinese haiku to me written by a young gay man

a chinese reader of my fic lovingly and gently giving me a history lesson on china and on mdzs while praising me

stepping on a piece of snow that didn’t collapse in the precise way i expected it to

writing meta

reading meta

ruminating on my triggers (honestly, I played myself)

seeing a twitter thread going around tumblr with decent information but the OP is someone who was exceedingly cruel to a good friend of mine

visiting my grandmother’s grave

deciding to visit my grandmother’s grave

discussing the concept of cuddling my partner whom i love and have been with for four years

self-harming (truly the height of irony, being triggered into self-harm and then getting triggered by the result of the self-harm hahahahahaha)

dropping off a package

trying to explain queer-coding to my parents

talking about stressors in my life related to covid19

having a very pleasant conversation with a person i admire

editing my translation

the fact that the “close” button on my accessibility sidebar on the translation website is the wrong color

choosing between eating all the shiitake mushrooms in my soup and purposefully giving myself a bad reaction or throwing one out and wasting food

thinking about playing a fun game with my partner and a mutual friend

my mom asking me to take a photo of some tea for her

my mom asking my opinion on a photo she was photoshopping

animal crossing

writing this fucking post HAHAHAHA

like!! it goes on!! endlessly! obviously, these triggers are not simply “bad” things. the chinese folk song and the haiku were both really beautiful and i love them! but I did spend a good amount of time curled up on my floor in the dark sobbing as i played the song on repeat. the haiku was one of the last straws that ended up with me screaming and crying and hurting myself. the snow??? like wtf the snow thing. I stepped on the snow and it felt wrong and my brain just started screaming SMASH YOUR KNEECAP. ???? (I didn’t, for the record, and I would never.) I love my partner very much! I love my friends very much, and my mother, and my grandmother etc. my triggers are infinite, unpredictable, and bizarre.

I’m saying all of this because I want to be clear that MDZS/CQL fandom specifically triggers me on a daily basis, sometimes very very badly. this is just a fact! it is no one’s fault! I have decided it is worth it for me to stay anyways. it is impossible for me to request people tag for certain things because I myself have no idea what my triggers are until I encounter them. It’s like a fun mystery boss encounter! sometimes it’s low level and i’m well-equipped to handle it. other times it’s a one-hit KO. We just don’t know! there are lots of very cool content creators in this fandom that I can’t follow because it would make my dash that much more high stakes. the original source canon material triggers me! all the events leading up to Lotus Cove massacre? I was shaking at work for three hours after consuming it for the first time.

Meta specifically is something I know a lot of people like me for, but it’s 100% the most triggering activity I participate in for this fandom. like, that suibian meta post I wrote that’s currently going around? Probably took me four or five hours of concentrated effort to write because I was compulsively panicking and rewriting and editing and panicking more and qualifying and editing and qualifying some more and then debating whether I should post it or not and then fighting with myself about my wording and then immediately regretting it and then every time someone commented on it (regardless of positive or negative!) my anxiety spiked. I started a reply to a response on that post and had to stop after a few minutes because I was already starting to trigger myself over it.

this is actually a pretty good outcome when it comes to meta! I recognized that I was hurting myself before I got any further, and I only spent like, five hours on it! it was good exposure therapy for me! the bad outcome is. well. bad, as you might imagine lmao.

I like writing meta. I like talking to people about it too! I like participating in fandom, I like writing, I like translating, I like all of these things. they’re just also really hard for me! there’s a couple meta requests sitting in my inbox right now that I want to get to, but it might take me like. a long time because of. you know! *gestures* Everything takes me a long time. that first chapter of the translation took me literally five months from beginning the project to posting a final edited version. It’s just over 1k words. D8

I try really hard to be chill and kind in public and I largely think I succeed on the kind part (I hope!). If you thought I had even an ounce of chill before this, perhaps I have disabused of that notion entirely now lmao. I’m not saying this for pity, but like? just so we all know what we’re dealing with here. I don’t want anyone to get hurt when I don’t engage with them or feel snubbed if I never reply to them. and also like, hey, if someone relates it’s like hooray, high fave, solidarity! we’re not alone in this world! or maybe this will help someone understand OCD a little better! I don’t know. I hope this post is a positive thing. BUT! I’ve spent three hours on it already, and i’m definitely starting to compulsively spiral, so instead of going back and editing it over and over, I’m just going to post it. thank you everyone for your understanding! I hope you enjoy your time on my blog! (*´▽`*)