#i am just so emotionally and physically drained rn guys

[raynewolferune]

Some stuff happened and I've been really struggling with my PTSD lately. Basically got triggered pretty bad IRL and had a real bad episode; don't want to go into that too much right now. But the whole thing led to the realization that I've now been living with PTSD for 18 years.

I'm no longer actively in therapy but I was for the first 7 years. Learned lots of great techniques that help me on a regular day to day basis. But yeah, it's been just a kind of good reminder that healing isn't linear and you never really fully heal from PTSD even if you get mostly better.

It had been about 4 years since my last really severe episode before this one. When I told my mother about it she told me I "needed to be careful with how I talked about my 'anxiety attack' because there are people who really have PTSD" ngl that messed me up even worse. I had a full on nervous breakdown immediately following that conversation with her.

Friendly reminder that people react to and tall about traumas in different ways too. You should never discredit or try to "correct" someone on how they choose to talk about their trauma. It is incredibly damaging for that individual and it can sometimes be the thing that pushes them over the edge.

I'm not in danger of that right now. Again, 18 years of experience with PTSD and its BS, but it's not the first time someone has said something like this to me either. In fact, I heard it a lot before I got my official diagnosis and I ended up making a few attempts back then as a direct result of such "helpful" comments.

Sorry, I'm super exhausted and kind of all over the place still even though it's been a few days/weeks (I'm not sure how long exactly; severe ADHD combined with PTSD flare-up makes it easy to lose time). But basically, I guess I just want you guys to know because you really really need to be careful not to contradict someone or try to downplay/diminish how they talk about their mental health. It could literally kill someone and odds are if they trust you enough to confide in you then you really don't want that to happen.

So yeah. That's my soap box. I'll try to finish up Meta Jazz, the Arkham Intern Therapist part 3 and get it up later this week. I'm pretty sure I didn't finish editing it but I can't fully remember.

[gilbert-blythe-ruined-my-life]

Anna watches S03xE09 for the first time (warning: spoilers!)

I honestly cannot believe that this is the second to last ep guys.

It feels like yesterday that the first ep came out.

Also, my windsribe is about to run out, I hope I have enough to make it through this ep.

I’m so nervous about everything. I hope this ep takes off where the last one ended because I WANT TO SEE DIANA’S REACTION.

I’m scared about what’s going to happen with Ka’kwet, does the residential school try to get her back? Is that why Anne and Matthew have to help? Freaking out.

Let’s go!

Yikes, my windsribe is running out fast.

Ka’kwet, my baby. She’s tramatised.

I’m going to cry, this is horrible. My baby.

What she went through, she’ll never be the same.

OH LOOKY HERE. IT’S THE GIRL WHO’S IN LOVE WITH GILBERT BLYTHE.

YES, YOU FINALLY ADMITTED IT.

THERE’S NO GOING BACK NOW.

She just put the cutlery in the glass, I cannot.

OH MY. IS SHE GOING TO TELL MARILLA.

‘Why did he ask me so late? So sudden?’ ANNE. BABY GIRL. THE WHOLE FANDOM HAS BEEN ASKING THEMSELVES THAT FOR THE PAST WEEK.

SHE JUST ADMITTED IT TO MARILLA.

‘I love him’. 

THE WAY SHE SAID IT.

SO SOFT. I AM SQUEALING.

I CANNOT.

SHE’S TOLD MARILLA.

MARILLA.

‘Listen to me very carefully, Anne. Do not make the same mistake I did’. GUYS, IT’S HAPPENING.

OBVS SHE’S GOING TO MISS HIM.

THEY’RE REALLY DOING THIS TO US AREN’T THEY.

THE PARALLELS OF GILBERT GOING TO WINNIE AND ANNE TRYING TO CATCH HIM.

‘Gilbert. I love him! I have to tell him now!’ DID I WRITE THIS FANFICTION.

Minnie May.

GUYS MINNIE MAY.

SHE NEEDS TO TELL GILBERT.

HE’S GETTING DASHING WHITE SERGENT FLASHBACKS.

AND WE’RE GETTING SHOTS WE HAVEN’T SEEN BEFORE.

Anne’s meeting Hazel!

And she’s leaving Gilbert A NOTE!!!!!

SHE’S WRITING A NOTE AND TELLING HIM SHE LOVES HIM. THIS WHOLE THING IS SO SOFT.

P.S May I please have my pen back. GUYS. GUUUUUUUUUYS.

NO ANNE DON’T MOVE THE NOTE. HE’LL NEVER SEE IT.

DIANA STOP HIM. STOP HIM DIANA.

Diana is feeling so heartbroken for her bosom friend.

This ep keeps freezing. I don’t have time for this MY WINDSCRIBE IS RUNNING OUT.

My baby Ka’kwet is happy again.

NO THEY’VE FOUND HER.

I KNEW IT.

GUYS I’M SO SCARED.

PLEASE.

I’M SO SCARED RN.

NO.

NO.

NO. NO. NO. NO.

MY HEART.

THIS ISN’T GOOD FOR MY HEART.

THEY’RE GOING TO TAKE ALL THE CHILDREN.

NO.

NO, PLEASE NO.

NO.

DID THEY KILL HER FATHER.

DID THEY KILL HER MOTHER?

NO.

PLEASE NO.

Guys I feel sick, like physically sick.

Something’s going to happen to Anne’s note.

This ep KEEPS FREEZING.

Delly is the cutest baby ever.

‘Well if that’s love you must never think I loved you at all!’ AAAHHHHH.

NO HAZEL.

OH THIS ANGST.

WHY?

Please, please tell me they’re not going to make Bash and Miss Stacey happen?

It’s TOO SOON.

DON’T CRY MISS STACEY.

OKAY BUT PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISN’T GONNA HAPPEN. IT’S TOO SOON.

TOO SOON.

TOO SOON.

Gilbert’s found Anne’s signs!

EW Billy. EW EW EW EW EW EW.

‘Small town girls aren’t up to snuff’ LET ME STRANGLE HIM. LET ME. LET ME AT HIM.

LORD HAVE MERCY ON THE POOR CHARLOTTETOWN GIRL WHO ENDS UP WITH BILLY ANDREWS.

KA’KWET’S PARENTS ARE OKAY!

‘They took Ka’kwet. Stole her’. NO.

NO.NO. NO. NO. NO.

WE KNEW IT.

WE KNEW IT.

‘We’d be happy to help’. YES. 

YES, STAND UP TO MARILLA, MATTHEW!

‘Please help us. My children are my whole world. My heart.’ PLEASE STOP. THE PAIN IS UNBEARABLE.

PLEASE.

MY HEART.

‘You have your baby. She’s safe.’ STOP. THE PAIN. I CANNOT TAKE IT. PLEASE.

‘Where is my child? Without her, how can I live?’ STOP. PLEASE. OH THE PAIN. THE PAIN.

YES.

SHE’S AGREED.

‘I expect we’ll be back in two days time’.

WHAT.

TWO DAYS. WHAT.

I mean, of course, they’re going to Nova Scotia.

I forgot.

I KNEW THEY WERE GONNA DO THIS TO ANNE’S NOTE.

‘What’s wrong?’

‘Everything! Gilbert is going to propose to Winifred!’

SAME MARILLA SAME. MARILLA’S REACTION IS ME.

DIANA AND MARILLA ARE THE WHOLE FANDOM TBH.

GILBERT’S AT THE STORYBOOK HOUSE. I’M FINE.

NO. I’M NOT FINE. NOT REALLY.

THE NOTE IS STUCK UNDERNEATH GILBERT’S SHOE.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME.

ARE YOU. KIDDING. ME.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

ARE? YOU? KIDDING? ME?

ARE. YOU. KIDDING. ME.

ARE. YOU. KIDDING. ME.

ARE? YOU? KIDDING? ME?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

WHY?

WHY?

WHY?

WHY?

WHY?

WHY?

WHY?

WHY?

Excuse me for five minutes while I have a mental breakdown. 

*elevator music plays*

Okay, I’m back!

‘I remember...the pain...all too well when I went to find you. But this? I can’t imagine’.

This is too much. The pain. The pain.

THE ANNE AND MATTHEW SNUGGLE. OH IT’S SO BEAUTIFUL. SO BEAUTIFUL.

GIVE THEM BACK THEIR BABY.

I’M SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW.

YES MATTHEW. YES.

YES!!!!

NO.

NO. 

NO.

MATTHEW.

DON’T HURT MATTHEW.

NO.

OH HEAVENS, WHAT IS HAPPENING?

THE INTENSITY OF ALL OF THIS.

ANNE WANTS TO STAY BUT SHE CAN’T.

YES, WRITE A LETTER.

GIVE HER BACK TO THEM.

This is too painful, I can’t watch anymore.

Honestly, I don’t know what to do. I can’t watch anymore.

I’m so exhausted.

EW. GILBERT’S GETTING READY TO PROPOSE TO WINIFRED. YUCK.

WE DO NOT LIKE TO SEE IT.

HE TOOK THE SEASHELL FROM THE STORYCLUB. WATCH AS I CRY.

OH NO.

OH NO, OH NO, OH NO. OH NO. OH NO.

ANNE’S GONNA THINK GILBERT READ HER NOTE AND STILL DOESN’T LOVE HER.

WHY DON’T THE WRITERS JUST KILL ME? IT WOULD BE LESS PAINFUL THAN THIS.

YES ANNE, ASK.

ASK HIM.

ASK HIM.

DIANA BEING ANNOYED AT GILBERT, WHAT A MOOD.

This Hazel and Bash convo has me all in my feelings.

WHAT.

THE HANGED HIM.

THEY HANGED HIS FATHER.

THEY LYNCHED HIM.

NO WONDER HAZEL IS LIKE THAT.

IT’S ALL FOR THE LOVE OF BASH.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

MY WINDSCRIBE HAS RUN OUT.

BRB GONNA MAKE A NEW ACCOUNT.

MADE ONE.

LET’S GO.

ANNE’S BROUGHT GILBERT FLOWERS AND HE’S OFF WITH WINNIE. MY BABY.

BASH AND HAZEL. MY FEELINGS.

MY POOR BABY ANNE.

I JUST WANT BASH AND HIS MOTHER TO UNDERSTAND ONE ANOTHERS POV.

KA’KWET CAN SEE HER PARENTS. OH MY FEELINGS.

THE INDIGENOUS MUSIC.

THE SHIRBERT PARALLELS.

HE’S GOING TO PROPOSE TO WINIFRED. NO.

HE’S REALLY GONNA DO IT, HUH?

KA’KWET.

THIS EPISODE.

THIS EPISODE.

I HAVEN’T BEEN THIS EMOTIONALLY DRAINED SINCE 3X03. I’M GONNA NEED THE REST OF THE DAY TO RECOVER TBH.

[boredteenagersblog]

Thursday - 9/9/21

Alright so talked to the ex-best friend I had mentioned let's call her Lily (fake name obviously) so she messaged me saying how she missed that closeness we had and she was wondering about whatever happened to us.

So for context how both of us actually fell apart was because it was really just a one sided friendship, I knew everything about her for a to z and she was just too self involved I don't think it occured once to ask anyone else anything simple like, "how is your day?" Or even anything basic as that.

Before that when we first met I actually had a crush on her I really liked her and even though I did I wasn't sure I actually wanted to date her because of said reasons. Regarding this fact I decided to confess it to her with the thought in mind that I didn't want to be dating and so I did. I can't explain how bland of a response she gave the response also convinced me that we weren't ready for each other, she wanted flings and I wanted a relationship.

Alongside that the conversation we had were really one sided basically just me initiating contact and asking her how she was, what was she doing and other things which are supposed to induce conversation from both sides but here it just elicited a dry response or ended with her launching into a story of how she had been wronged by her friends.

After that I saw she lacked the maturity needed and just started to ghost her, talking to her had just started to drain me emotionally and physically, I hadn't told anyone this fact and just shyed away from it.

After a good three weeks of not being in contact she messaged me and asked why don't I talk to her anymore, I reminded her that she could also have texted me and she just said that she had been busy and everything. But mainly the conversation had been very limited. I had learnt how to keep people at a certain distance.

She told me how she had found a new fling and she was very happy (remember that I had not gotten over the crush I had on her) and her new fling was not her boyfriend and just a fling, she did all the couple stuff with him (ALL) without giving him the boyfriend status. I was just done with this lady and just did not comment I said I was happy for her and just left it at that.

Two months later that is today she texted me saying that she was thinking about us and how she wants to be friends again and how I don't text her now. I just said how did you so suddenly remember me and Lily said that she was talking to her (still) fling about the guys who had crushed on her before and my name came upa nd she missed me. I gotta say even though I just straight up wanted to leave and not look back I faltered. I genuinely thought I should give her another chance.

So I just said, "Lily I am here, I have been here,I never left, it was you who stopped texting."

She just ignored the part where she didn't text me and launched into another story about something I can't even recall rn.

To the people who are reading this I would love suggestions and any at all help that I could get so just comment or message me if the comments don't work (new at this...) And thanks!!

[gwisingegooli]

it’s always kinda funny trying to figure out why things ended up the way they did, in terms of all the small decisions and where the mistakes where made

yesterday i was way too fucking tired to hang out w the de anza degens and watch the league of legends world finals. i pretty much took us home from aquis and i passed the fuck out.

and later michael said he kinda wished he couldve hung with them, and later when i woke up i felt the same. but even while sleeping i told michael not to wake me during the world finals and i just peaced the fuck out.

so reflecting on it — i definitely should not have stayed up drinking til like 3 the day before yesterday, when i had to wake up for my rideshare by like 9. especially when the day before i had stayed up smoking and cleaning my room til 5, and then i woke up at like 12. and when the day before that i had stayed up til 5 drinking, and then i woke up for my 8 am, and didnt really have time to nap properly after.

so yeah, a landslide of bad sleeping decisions. but especially the night before, i shouldve turned in early so my body wasnt so done w me.

my rideshare was also fucking awful. my driver was a pushover, and so am i a little bit. and the other guy in the rideshare loved to take advantage of that! he was seedy and shady and i hated him so much for manipulating us because we were nice. he made our rideshare take us to wholefoods, to ross, etc like get his chores done bc we thought it was nbd. i would say i dont want to, or we shouldnt, but i wasnt firm enogh and i ended up getting totally steamrolled over. im never going to let myself get taken advantage of ever again.

michael was super steamed bc i ended up making him wait too, bc i came later than i thought since we were doing this guys fucking chores. i told him i tried to say something but then he texted me — “well you should say fuck no” “you fucking idiot” in separate texts and i thought he called me a fucking idiot. he texted right after “him being the fucking idiot” but i didnt see that because i had put my phone down after the text before trying not to cry.

it literally destroyed me and made me so sad and when he came to pick me up he was super angry, not at me at all, but at what happened. he was frustrated for sure but i thought he had called me that, and it had scared me because i thought it was super unfair and mean and uncharacteristic. it’s crazy that i thought he would even say that to me because he never would??? i think i was super insecure and projecting how i felt about myself, and i still felt it was within the realm of possibility he would say that to me so i couldnt even look at him.

i was quiet on the ride back, and he started talking to me and asking what happened, and i started crying trying to explain. and he said he understood but as the conversation went on he said he didnt understand why i hadnt apologized yet for making him wait. and i said i apologized over text, and im sorry for making him wait. but he said my apology didnt sound genuine. he said he wasnt trying to be difficult, especially on our first meeting. the situation must’ve been very confusing for him because i was reacting to a misunderstanding that we hadn’t know had happened yet.

i told him i didnt know what to do about that, if i am apologizing genuinely. i told him im just trying to understand what happened because it was kind of traumatizing to be taken advantage of like that and then in hindsight realize how you were manipulated, and then come see your boyfriend super angry because i wasnt able to take control of a situation and he has to be part of it all and how scary that was. and he asked me, confused, why i was scared? and i told him i was so tired and hungry and scared and sad and confused and i didnt want to have to do all of this. and he said thats ok, we can drop it.

later i said im sorry for being a pussy. and even though it makes it so that im not looking at myself, im sorry that guy was such a dick that you felt the radius of his awfulness. he laughed and said that felt apology felt more genuine. and he said he was just happy to see me.

when i got home i checked my texts and then i said “oh...” and explained how i had thought he called me a fucking idiot and he dropped everything and came to hug me and apologize and said he would never say that to me and like went hardcore on saying sorry. i was just happy everything was cleared up and i told him not to do that in texts ever again >:( and he was like ofc ;_;

so now after being physically exhuasted i had to go through an emotionally draining experience over a bad text. i bet if i wasn’t so exhuasted i wouldve been able to figure out how to sort things better, and realized why i was so upset.

then i always couldve powered through being so exhuasted but at aqui’s like. justin was so fucking annoying. like listening to justin talk, even when i am fully rested, destroys my social stamina. he makes me want to be rude and ignore him and give one word responses because otherwise i will go crazy. and then if u seem tired he’s like “are you okay?” and its like yes, but no because of you. please stop being annoying.

even looking at will is pretty triggering now because my perception of him has been realigned w how he really is bc of a few recent mishaps. i could go into them in detail but basically he’s just a little kid who has a lot of growing up to do, isnt good at listening, being open minded, planning things.... i had to dd because he fucked up planning on the way there. he told his friends to come and then we ended up heading out when they were supposed to come!! like yes, george shouldve checked his phone for the change in plans but also. stop sending conflicting plans last minute. >:( i am the most tired one here. and then no one else offered to drive because it was all last minute. like i am back for the first time and y’all aint even gonna warmly greet me and take care of me???????? just kidding but also not kidding LOL

so the table seating at aqui’s was fucking awful. daniel was way on the edge when he should be sitting near me and michael cause he’s the only other cool person. alvin was fine but i was like zzz because justin was in the center. justin does like one on one conversations “well” (by this i mean he can keep a conversation going for forever and not in a good way) so he should be on the side. will was playing a fucking phone game so he shouldve been on the side. alvin ended up being on his phone too.

daniel tried to engage but the tables are too far and he could only make like funny eye contact w us every once in a while and i was like TT

so i slowly phased in and out of consciousness and then by the end of the trip i was like. michael. i need to go and die in peace rn.

and thats why i missed worlds. its a lot of situational things but thats why you gotta make sure you aren’t HALT (hungry angry lonely tired) so you can evaluate your situations and fix shit up and be actually alive to take on the world.

[self-diagnosed-hypochondri-blog1]

I was tagged by @supermassiveironthrone, apologies for taking so long to get round to it, I’m smack bang in the middle of exams so don’t have much free time 

Rules: Complete the survey and say who tagged you in the beginning. When you finished tag 5 people to do this survey. Have fun and enjoy!!

1: Are you named after someone? I don’t think so? There’s a Tobias in the bible (and my parents are christians) so it could be that, but my full name is just Toby so I doubt it.

2: When was the last time you cried? Probably quite recently, but my memory is so shockingly bad that I can’t remember what I got up to yesterday. (If in doubt I probably cried listening to one of my ghibli playlists, they carry a lot of nostalgia for me)

3: Do you like your handwriting? Idk really, I don’t like or dislike it for the most part. When I’m taking my time to write I enjoy how it looks but normally only I can decipher it

4: What is your favourite lunch meat? If the sandwich is toasted/grilled/etc then probably salami bc it goes so well with melted cheese 

5: Do you have kids? Not that I’m aware of!

6: If you were another person, would you be friends with you?  I’d like to say yes, but my brain is getting so confused trying to picture myself as someone with a completely different personality/likes/wants etc that I can’t say at all. I guess I have some good traits? who knows

7: Do you use sarcasm? I used to use it a lot more when I was in secondary school but I don’t think I use it much now.

8: Do you still have your tonsils? ye boi

9: Would you bungee jump? I don’t really see the appeal of plummeting 60 feet off a bridge, supported by a piece of elastic and getting whiplash on the way back up, so probably not

10: What is your favourite kind of cereal? Krave, every day of the week

11: Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? No and then I always get annoyed that the laces are done up. what can I say, I’m a fool

12: Do you think you’re a strong person? Probably like average physically, emotionally and mentally very strong for the most part but there are times when my ADHD gets me down (today I walked 30 mins to my supermarket to do my food shop, spent an hour finding everything, and then got to checkout and realised i’d left my card in my flat-that drained me of all my motivation)

13: What is your favourite ice cream flavour? Raspberry/Strawberry ice cream

14: What is the first thing you notice about people? Their eyes I think, which makes sense

15: Red or pink? both? I prefer darker tones of red and lighter shades of pink, I don’t like bold so much

16: What is your least favourite physical thing about yourself? My dodgy heart? I have WPW which sucks but idk if that counts as physical bc I assume it means like on the outside, so my wrists? It’s a weird one but they’re too skinny :(

17: What colour pants and shoes are you wearing now? I’m in bed so tartan PJs and no shoes

18: What was the last thing you ate? Big bowl of angel delight bc student living

19: What are you listening to right now? Common sense by J Hus

20: If you were a crayon, what colour would you be? purple pls

21: Favourite smell? The ground after it’s rained 

22: Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone? my mum

23: Favourite sport to watch? I’m a big football fan so football 

24: Hair colour? light brown? It’s so boring i kinda wanna dye it but don’t know what colour would suit me

25: Eye colour? blue-green

26: Do you wear contacts? I have about 200 pairs from when I decided to try them out and ended up only wearing them about 30 times, I’ve got new glasses now so no need for them

27: Favourite food to eat? This is the worst question, food is probably the best thing in the world and there’s so much to choose from. That being said, if i ever see takoyaki on a menu then I will immediately order them. Same goes for most seafood.

28: Scary movies or comedy? comedy

29: Last movie you watched? The Princess Diaries?  don’t question it

30: What colour of shirt are you wearing? I don’t sleep with a shirt on, but I wore a dark red shirt today

31: Summer or winter? I lowkey hate both bc they both screw up my eczema and it gets really bad in the cold/hot, but if I had to choose, probably winter bc there’s nothing worse than being really hot and sweaty and exhausted from the heat. (Autumn/spring are still miles better though) 

32: Hugs or kisses? probably kisses bc too much physical contact can stress me out (thanks again ADHD) but I like hugging if I’m initiating it

33: What book are you currently reading? Just finished Night Watch by Terry Pratchett last night, and am about to start on Guards! Guards!. 

34: Who do you miss right now? Rn I’m in a very chill mood so no-one really at this moment in time

35: What is on your mouse pad? I don’t have one on account of not having a mouse for my computer

36: What is the last TV program you watched? Cutthroat Kitchen, it’s my guilty pleasure and I love every episode

37: What is the best sound? Rain falling/soft music

38: Rolling Stones or The Beatles? Neither, the Beatles are overrated imo and I don’t really listen to the Rolling Stones 

39: What is the furthest you have ever traveled? Jamaica with my family, but furthest I’ve been on my own is France for a week

40: Do you have a special talent? I play guitar and piano, if that counts. Oh and I have really stretchy skin. Like really really stretchy, I can hold a lot of food in my cheeks as a result

41: Where were you born? Guys Hospital, London! 

42: People you expect to participate in this survey? I haven’t had many new mutuals bar @supermassiveironthrone who tagged me, and I feel like I tag some of my other mutuals a lot but I’ll tag anyway,

@mooniva I assume you’ve been tagged in this already but there you go anyway, apologies to @jii-chan, @spinxtheminx, @anxious-demiboy-demigod, @sjwmothman

feel no need whatsoever to answer this if you’re sick of these haha

[jessiann-c]

Damn I feel nothing. They all fucking broke me. On the 4th I had a break down and I haven't in awhile. That shit hurted. I don't know how I could ever possibly love again after my last relationship too. I thought they'd understand, I thought they'd trust me enough to know I was not doing it to ruin us. I just didn't want the guilt to ruin us, I had to do what felt right. I don't want that living on my conscious. I don't want to believe I killed someone and did nothing about it (so vague but it's a vent).

After being emotionally and physically abused, after being raped, after mental break downs, after anxiety attacks, my mri scan...just so much that makes me emotionally drained. I'm still trying to cope. I still want to think people are good. But lately, idk anymore. Idk if I should have gone to the cops that night. I don't want cops involved plus fuck them. I didn't think it was necessary. I deal with a lot of things on my own and when I faced my first ex again, I was facing my trauma. I had to get over the trauma and now the guilt or I would be living with it for much longer.

As for the guy that raped me, I'm not mad. I just don't ever want to see him again. I'm not the same. I'm terrfied of men touching me or getting close to me.

Please, I want to get better. Some days I think I am and then I'll remember all the bad stuff. My body will go numb and I start shaking. I start crying. I'm better at controlling it because now I know that I never want to get hurt again. I don't want people to leave when it gets tough to be with me. I love unconditionally but I don't think love matters anymore. Until I find someone who knows I would do anything to make it work and would do the same for me. But idk yet. I too scared of men rn.