#i am just going to use this as an excuse to rant about rpgs because i have no where else to put my feelings

[madeofvoid]

Just FYI, it's kind of messed up to call Toshiro (Shuro) a 'bitch ass weaboo shit', regardless of your opinion of him, he's a Japanese man written by a Japanese mangaka. 'Weaboo' has really negative connotations with Japanese people, mostly because of how it's been used by people to refer to anyone excessively obsessed with anime and Japanese culture. I'm not even going to say anything else about the rest of that post because I can't even find the words for it.

People can enjoy things however they want, whether in depth or shallow. But please think before you post stuff like this. I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt and guess you were just trying to be funny or cute but that's not an excuse to act in a way that can easily be construed as racist, regardless of your intentions.

I'm glad you're enjoying Dungeon Meshi, and I'm glad you're having fun. Please have a good night.

Oh boy. One of these messages. I've only heard of them in legend. Alright.

Hi anon, I'm nora madeofvoid, and I've written four published papers on the subject of racism and ethnic diversity, as well as a few on sociology and modern culture. I was once the lead TA to the Dean of Sociology at my university. I have been a keynote speaker at events with congressmen in attendance. I have been lectured by them in turn at those same conventions(god i wish tampa 2018's closing ceremony was on youtube, what a riot). All of this to say, with full honesty and in good faith, that I am probably the worst person to open this discussion with in a freeform environment; I have no reason to be concise. Conclusions and TL;DR the bottom because I've had no better use for this part of my degree in 4 years and I will not shut up. That said, I'm not bothering to be collegiate on tumblr, either. Oh, and fair warning I'm not a good person. That shit is tiring.

You make a fair point. But the rest of the initial post provided context and perspective of which to view what I intended to be a haha funnee rant about a fictional man with a samurai sword.

First. Suspend your disbelief. Shuro exists as an analog of eastern culture as a whole in a world where the countries and culture as we know which (presumably) only exist in a handwavey "the east is where that comes from" fantasy way. Japan does not exist here, so I didn't bother thinking of it. This is where Elden Ring comes in. Another fantasy world with landmasses which are presumably analagous to ours and cultures that may or may not have developed in an absolute hellscape that are analagous to ours. But they are not ours. We view them through this lens as a way of gaining perspective and familiarity with a world that is entirely alien.

So, I have to disagree with the racism bit. Because it fundamentally can't be. And I, understanding this, made fun of the next best thing: his RPG class. In rpgs, there is often a class that makes you a samurai. be it the literal samurai class in FFXIV, or the katana/bleed builds in Elden Ring. In both cases, picking them opens you up to being called a weeb. I hate to say this specific phrase, but back in my day that was a term of lighthearted namecalling and endearment. Had I called him a squinty bug eyed rice picker, now THAT would be racist. Not to Shuro, but to actual real life asian people(to whom I apologize for that). And that's what you pointed out, so we agree there. Same with caling kabru a melon muncher. explicitly racist. Not to him; for all we know that mentalist weirdo has never seen a watermelon before. But that would be racist to blacks(scholarly designation referring to peoples of the pan-african persuasion as a whole. please don't make me go through my papers to find the citations)

I apologize if I put you off there with the most racist things I could think of as an example, but thats exactly what those are. Examples of what I would consider racist in the first place. Notice that I called Kabru a "mentalist weirdo" instead of anything else. A dig at his toolkit instead of him directly. Thats how to ethically insult a person, by the way. You could call me a wackjob airhead mad scientist, and that'd be on the same level.

I'm not going to say that calling a Japanese man a weeb isn't racist. Because I don't fucking know. You're telling me it is, and I trust your good faith opinion. Was Shuro's race what I was aiming at? No. Couldn't have been. He's not Japanese. His race is Tallman. He is a Tallman from the vaguely defined "east." And for some reason he has a samurai sword. Weeb shit of the human-noble-fighter variety. Anyone who has played an RPG will call that out. A better comparison would be calling a fantasy city guard a pig as a nod to real world cops. A dig at the toolkit, nothing more.

In conclusion, while Shuro's fictional culture can be read as an analog of real world Japan, the man himself is not Japanese. He isn't even Human, or H.Sapiens Sapiens. He's a Tallman. He is a Tallman from a vaguely defined region of the world that in some ways mirrors asian culture, but is still fundamentally different. Hater that I am, I cannot in good or bad faith toss racial slurs at him. Doesn't apply. So I aimed at his RPG class, human noble fighter with a samurai sword. Which, if you've ever sat down for a TTRPG or partied up with someone who plays that class in an MMO, they're all weebs. That in mind, I called him a weeaboo shit. Because as far as I'm concerned thats the best way to shit talk him without becoming a PragerU talkpiece.

You brought up Japan there, not me. And you responded based on your own viewing of a show, whether in depth or shallow, and applied it to the real world. Personally, I'd call that a surface level observation. It's too easy to look at a fantasy character from "the east" and call them Japanese. Thats only the first layer. Kinda fucked up if you think about it long enough.

Tl;DR You can't be racist to fictional characters themselves. The cultures they represent, yes, but only if they are explicitly from that culture. This is not an isekai. Shuro is not a Japanese man, so the rules don't apply. The weebshit comment was aimed at his RPG class, hence the elden ring references. Learn to suspend your disbelief when interacting with shows. You'll stress yourself less. Enjoy Dunmeshi.

[ofcatsandstars]

one character for every ttrpg i read (2/∞) - masks: a new generation (brendan conway, magpie games)

ahhh, i fell in love with masks from the first time i read it. this is thyme! they are a protege of white owl and part of the aviary, which are analogues to batman and the batfamily respectively. i love them dearly.

backstory questions + my thoughts on the system under the cut! (also an ap podcast!)

How did you first meet your mentor? I think white owl was already a fairly established vigilante. as far as comic characters, i think they’re most similar to stephanie brown or tim drake, in that they were heroing on their own before approaching their mentor.

When and why did you choose to train with them? cardinal just thought that white owl was the coolest. their home is within white owl’s patrol route, so they saw her fightin’ the good fight and all that. I may go the stephanie brown route and say that a close relative/friend got wrapped up in the supervillain life and they became a hero to stop them & went to white owl for guidance. 

Why did they agree to train you? cardinal is very stubborn i think. when they want to do something, there is very few things that will stop them. i think white owl knew that no matter what she chose to do, thyme would go out and hero on their own anyways. so the best way to keep them safe is by giving them proper training.

Who else, outside of the team, knows about your training? their best friend edgar. they’re inseparable and tell each other everything (although, i’m sure he does feel a little left behind, recently....)

Why do you care about the team? it’s hard to answer this one since they technically don’t have a team yet. but i think they appreciate someone having their back all the time, but also enjoy the break from the constant pressure that being around white owl puts on them sometimes. 

my thoughts on masks as a whole:

GOD I LOVE THIS SYSTEM SO MUCH. it takes the pbta formula and fits it perfectly to the genre of teenage superheroes, and the things it adds just work so well. 

this is a system focused primarily on emotions, self-image, and relationships between pcs. instead of damage, characters take emotional conditions that debuff their stats while they have them (angry, hopeless, insecure, etc.). in order to clear these conditions, they must take an action in line with that feeling or be comforted by another player.

stats are always changing, depending on the character’s self-image. if they accidentally hurt someone, their danger stat will go up because they feel that they’re more dangerous to the people around them.

players also can take influence over each other, and they can use that influence to change other’s stats or convince them to do something more easily.

this system fosters roleplaying SO well and is just. such a good game. god.

if you are even a little interested in the system, please check out protean city comics! it is such an excellent podcast. the gm and players are fantastic, and they make a commitment to diversity in the very first episode. it’s wonderful.

[sophiexrph]

heya sophie! I hope you don't mind this, I just needed someone to talk about it hahah Basically I'm in this rpg and there's a mun who plays a latino character and I,,,, it feels low-key disrespectful how she portrays them? she uses expressions like 'Ay mami' and it feels sorta stereotypied, specially because she makes the character speak spanish in the dash? and I always felt like that was disrespectful towards people who don't understand the language unless you post the translation, and like(1)

(2) I don’t even think she’s latina, at least not a spanish speaking one because her writing in spanish has a lot of basic mistakes. I feel like if you’re going to write a minority speaking their native tongue it feels kinda disrespectful not doing it right, yu know? But also I feel like I might not have a lot of right to complain because I’m not a latina living in the usa, i’m from south america. anywho sorry for the rant (2)

okay,,, big oof. i can totally hear what you’re saying - playing a stereotyped character is,,, never great. in this mun’s defense re: her spanish use, she may be using google translate which is not known to be reliable ; i write french-speaking characters and i’ve learned throughout the years to not use it. with that being said, though ! that does not give the excuse to write a stereotyped character. there are so many resources on here that help you write the sorts of characters you want to ! if i were you, i’d reach out to this mun with your concerns and gently explain to her what you think may be happening, as well as some links about writing latinx characters. here’s a really great resource ! please note that i am not latinx, so i’ll throw this in the tags for those who are latinx to reply to, as well !

[trulycertain]

All right, so I’ve had a couple of people come to me asking if I can beta for them, which is one part terrifying to one part flattering, and I’ve had several conversations this week with followers about writing stuff. And about writing improvement.

I think I have some Thoughts.

Look, in my opinion, I'm quite often a terrible writer. I’m self-taught, I’ve picked up some bad habits, and my grammar is... um. Let’s just ignore my grammar. I need to refresh several things. (Where the hell does a semi-colon go in a list? Please. Help. Also, I need someone to surgically extract about half my adverbs.)

But I see so many people ripping into new ficwriters with that old-school LJ "sporking" mindset and crying "MARY SUE!!!" and... honestly?

That's not criticism, that's... shiticism. Excuse my French.

Yes, sometimes someone has a bit of an ego on them, especially if they’re new to a skill. That might grate on you. Fair enough. But if they’re not hurting anyone or forcing you to read, ripping into a new writer teaches them nothing except to shut up and be afraid. If someone's actually willing to learn and put the effort in and this matters to them, why crap on something they've put their heart into? Especially if one doesn't have to read it or pay for it.

I see so many self-conscious ficwriters who either don't dare write anything or define themselves entirely by "Look! I'm so much better than those self-insert/Sue/[whatever's out of vogue now] writers!" and... that doesn't always teach you to get out of negative patterns. Often it just inculcates you into different negative patterns, and a crab-bucket mentality where you and your feedbackers are so busy panicking and dragging each other down you don't get anything written.

I'll be honest, overpowered OCs are usually not my cup of tea as a reader. But I'm not going to wander in and tear someone's fic apart, and if someone comes to me for help, I am certainly not going to take that trust and hurt them with it.  I see a lot of nicely done OCs because of being in RPG fandoms. I love watching people build protags with distinct voices and backstories they've put a lot of heart into. And statistically, yeah, sometimes you get stuff old-school fandom would call Sue-ish, but I don't think a beginner story where someone feels out the ropes and is proud of themselves for writing is going to ruin my day or destroy the world. Why bother being a jerk about it? And how does that ever teach someone to write?

Five times now, from different followers, I’ve heard things like, "A commenter tore my story apart, and I still remember it, and I cried but it was such good constructive criticism." And it might just have been a bad day, but if someone made you cry? That’s... probably not constructive criticism.

If people had treated me when I started drawing the way a lot of people treat new writers in fandom - 

Actually, no, scratch that. Some people in real life did treat me like that when I picked up a pencil. That meant I put it down again pretty fast as a kid and didn't even try to draw until adulthood, when I was scared stiff and fought the impulse to hide everything I was working on. And I didn’t start again because of tough love, I started because people encouraged me.

Everyone goes, "Those poor kids!" but I don't really care if a writer's six or sixty, the principle of "be a decent teacher" applies.

Silencing is not teaching. If someone’s left scared and despairing and stops writing, you have taught them nothing. You’ve failed.

Random anecdote:

When I was looking at going semi-pro (long time ago, and bluntly put, I wasn’t brave enough at that point), I used to be on a writing forum. They prided themselves on their merciless criticism and their “I’m just being honest!” 

And you know what happened? Crab bucket.

No-one ever tried to get anything published or optioned, no-one ever went to go and try and find an agent, because they were all too busy tearing each other's stuff down to feel better. They might have had some good points, once, but it got buried in the echo chamber and the self-importance.

I went in expecting pros to be brutal, to have to gird myself all the time. And they... weren't. Because I'd learned to write partly in crab buckets. And the pros, the real pros, know well enough not to do that. Because they’ve got less to prove, and a lot of them are readers themselves, or were fans themselves once. They want new stuff in the field, not to scare someone off writing forever, because then they'll have no new colleagues and nothing to read. 

The worst that'll happen is the slush pile, and that just means hearing nothing or a form letter. (Very few pub houses do bit-by-bit critique rejection letters these days, and if they do, the good side of it is you've caught an editor or an intern's attention and they cared enough to go through it. And they may remember your name next time.) I got rejected by Clarkesworld. And I had the shakes sending my stuff in, but when I got the rejection? It actually... didn't hurt. Because I was so proud of myself for even trying and being brave enough to do it, and hell, getting seen by a slush pile intern in the same magazine that published Alastair Reynolds and Neil Gaiman. Because it was proof I'd tried and once I'd done the big scary thing, I could do all the smaller magazines and the anon stuff.

"Tearing someone's fic apart" is not criticism, it's fuckwittedness, and if someone knows how to be a decent beta, they don’t do it. A good reader recognises their own bias and realises that they’re coming in with subjective thoughts and skewed views of their own, and doesn’t represent themself as the only authority. 

If you’re here for actual writing advice and not just a rant (I am so sorry), here’s some advice I’ve given a couple of mutuals. This is what works for me, and it might not work for everyone else. I tried?

I had to stop associating feedback/concrit with personal validation, because that made writing an emotionally fraught activity rather than something safe. So I never have friends beta read or edit my work, because I want a professional boundary or a common goal there. I let myself make mistakes and grin at "This is awesome!" comments with fic, because it's a practice ground where I'm just doing my best, rather than trying to ask for money with it or make a career out of it. It lets me relax. I definitely don't mind concrit and rather like it; it's not the thing itself, it's having a pseudonymous boundary. For that reason, I still don't have friends beta read me. Strangers, fine, friends, no.

A lot of people tell me "bloody hell you're prolific." Well, that one's partly unemployment, can't lie. But before that, when I was working and studying...  Learning to write aimlessly changed everything. Doesn't have to be big, doesn't have to be your next novel or a completed short story. I drabbled, focused on 4/500-word snippets and just capturing a mood/place/concept or building the start of a character, whatever took my fancy. Hell, for six months I took phrases I'd read on billboards as daily prompts. Basically, the aim is to start associating writing with fun and relaxation rather than pressure, and to get into the habit of sitting and doing it. 

I tend to write longhand (for original, not for fic; it's how I keep the mental lines drawn). That sounds like a helluva lot of work, I know, but it also lets you see your progress so it's not just some... theoretical thing in cyberspace that you can’t quantify. (God, now I sound like I'm from 1995.)

I still am absolute shite at outlining when it's for fic. I'm too relaxed, but I try my best. What got me learning to do it for original and completely changed my process was Scrivener. (Also very good for essays!)

Relatedly, the final thing that made me get into a consistent writing habit was NaNoWriMo. It forced me into it because bluntly, I really wanted half-price Scrivener. And it never wore off. Three years later, I'm here. You might be too busy, too ill or too tired for it, and just not be into it, and that's OK, but a challenge like that can be fun.

If concrit and idea exchange are important to you, it may seriously be worth looking into writing groups, in real life and online. Absolutewrite, for instance, is very publishing-focused and a really good group.

And, most importantly of all:

Don’t give up. It gets easier.

[mu11berry]

Can I just rant for a moment about how Dameon was never one of the options Rhen was given, but he was what she chose anyway, over and over, regardless of what Talia or the Oracle or the universe or anyone in it told her? The Oracle thinks Dameon should stay in the sun temple until "this mess is cleared up," but does that stop Rhen? No! Nothing stops Rhen, she takes the dang sun priest with her anyway. She can ask him to go with her! It's significant to me that he's the only party member who Rhen has the option to ask first, all the others bribe or beg or force their way onto the team, and don't get me wrong I like all of them, but it's just such a nice way to subtly set up that this relationship is different, that here is someone Rhen wants to spend time with, someone who will respect her enough to ask or wait to be asked, someone who will respect her choices and dang!! She has so many decisions to make and she's such a headstrong beautiful soul with so much conviction, she deserves that kind of respect and it makes me stupid happy to see it given to her.

And then multiple times we see people not trusting Dameon, it's pretty clear he doesn't trust himself, but Rhen makes her own choices and she knows what she sees and she decides to trust him anyway. (And of course, ultimately, she puts it all in his hands by showing him the truth and letting him choose for himself, pretty much the ultimate form of trust, and it turns out she was right about him, don't argue with Rhen Pendragon, she knows everything.)

And in the final battle, the game itself gives Rhen two options, fight Dameon or join him. And listen, listen! I am crazy for this plot point: Rhen never fights him! She makes her own option and instead she saves him. She makes a choice for herself, because she wants it. Because she loves him and she’s choosing him! The game mechanics can’t even stop her, she's an insuppressible, unrestrainable, I don't even have a strong enough word but she's!!! And like I already ranted about a few paragraphs up, she then lets Dameon decide for himself too and I can't handle all this love in my soul!!!

And then the end! With the Oracle! Again taking Dameon with her isn't even one of the options, but Rhen asks him to go with her anyway even though they both know he can't and it's SO TRAGIC after everything they've sacrificed for each other, after everything Rhen has done and all the times she chose him. After all of that, he still isn't something she can have.

So she chooses to do the thing that will help people, the heroic thing, the brave thing, because she's Rhen and if anyone has ever been courageous and kind it's her, and she asks just for one thing and do you know what it is? Guess. I'll give you three guesses just guess--

IT IS DAMEON, SHE JUST WANTS HER PERSONAL CHOSEN ONE TO GO WITH HER OKAY THAT IS SO SWEET. And the Oracle, the goddess, pretty much the universe incarnate, bends to her will because she's Rhen and nobody stands in Rhen's way.

And then! At Thais! Arjhalwkejgalwekgja let me try to compose myself because this is really so cool. Every time Rhen talks positively about the future, she's talking about spending it with someone who will love her and be kind to her. I mentioned this briefly in another post but this is huge for the type of story Aveyond 1 is; girls in the hero role are never allowed to want things like that, but Rhen was and she did and I think that’s beautiful. Like, one of the loveliest things about life is getting to spend it with people we care about and Rhen deserves that! But as we know, again in Thais she is given options, at least five of them, if the chancellor’s estimates are correct, and they’re all strangers.

And listen, listen. Rhen uses the word “want” positively for herself one time in the whole game, one time. She’s the prophesied princess, she’s the future Queen, it would make sense for her to have a few demands, but she is unselfish and compassionate, she has all the noblest idealism of the best fairy tale heroes, and she only wants one thing.

And it's to marry Dameon.

She chooses him! When he still isn’t even one of the options presented to her!! Again!!! She saves the day her way. She decides her future. She chooses what will make her happy. I just. I love her practicality and nobility combined with her sheer romanticism. And just!! That must mean so much to Dameon, he is used to being considered second to the ideals of whoever is around him, probably with his father and whatever his goals were, and definitely with Talia and saving the world, and listen, I love Talia and I think she was doing what was best, but that must have hurt so much! Dameon was only a child. And we know Ahriman cared more about power than about Dameon, but Rhen! Rhen chooses Dameon first! Every time!!

And I just love that Rhen gets to decide her own story, based on her own character, based on what she needs and wants and chooses, and not what other characters or the player or anyone else decides for her or about her, like it's still an rpg game and Amanda can only do so much but the plot points are there and it's beautiful and I love it! I love Rhen and I love Dameon and I love Aveyond and I!! Need to stop this rant before I start analyzing every single game and character and overwhelming the internet with my undiluted adoration for this stuff, please excuse me while I yell my delight to the skies, thank you

[vanaglori-ah]

Pass the happy! When you receive this list 5 things that make you happy and send this to 10 of the last people in your notifications 😙✨

aslmdfkfdg thanks so much fuji!! so here are 5 things that make me happy.

01. films / tv - i absolutely LOVE films to the point that it's my major. and i love watching them. i love watching new ones, bad ones, great ones. yesterday i saw bullet train and the amount of serotonin i got from watching? AMAZING! i came out of the theater so much happier than when i went in lol found my new antidepressant

02. video games - but particularly, rpgs, visual novels, gacha, and tactical based games. some of my favorites are litg (obviously), twisted wonderland, fire emblem, spider-man ps4, and genshin impact.

03. mystery boxes / smiskis - they're a waste of money but i absolutely love collecting little trinkets and toys! i have spent a lot of money on smiskis in particular (they look like this). they are absolutely the CUTEST and they glow in the dark too!! i love putting them around my bed and they just hang out there.

04. color coding - whether it's my notes or organizing my classes into certain colors in my planners. i have so much fun color coding! plus it looks better visually to me and it becomes an easy system to figure out which assignment or reading is for which class.

05. ocs - i love ocs and i particularly love making them!! i have so many and i always make an oc for a particular media i am currently into. my most recent one is my oc for the boys because the boys writers don't know how to write asian characters so i need to make an actually good asian character to make up for it. :') don't get me wrong, i love karen fukuhara and her character kimiko. but i can go on a whole rant about why kimiko is still problematic after her development and why people need to stop defending the writers and using excuses to shield them from criticism with how they handle kimiko (before and now).

[dystopianborn]

little rant about something. triggers include mass/school shootings/murder.

okay. so, i’ve seen the drama that has gone down with this rpg that was based around a school shooting. someone said that the mods are australian and that they don’t have much experience with school shootings. while this may be true, as australia hasn’t had much experience with these things. at least not that i’ve heard of, we’ve had other things just as bad. i am not going to go into a big rant about this but it really annoys me that just because we’re australian, doesn’t mean we have had experiences like this. i don’t remember when or all the details, but before i was born or when i was too young to remember, someone killed everyone in a cafe or someone took people hostage in a cafe. i am sure there is more but i have the worst memory. please don’t use ‘australians don’t have much experiences with school shootings’ as an excuse for someone who made a rpg surrounding such a thing because we’ve experienced things similar to it. 

that’s all i wanted to say.

[smoothintheshell]

Another text in the “Vanessa complains about problems she doesn’t have”. Feel free to ignore :D.

Before I start, please do not take this post as an insult. This is how I do things and in no way reflects how I think of others. Thank you.

(I’m writing this with shortness of breath and trying not to cry)

Effortless

I’ve always been the loser of the class, of the group. In everything, really. I’ve always been slower than others to learn, even when I sacrificed free time to do homework and all that jazz. Nope. Wasn’t good enough. For a while people would praise me for my hard work and even when grades were average or lower, they would say “don’t give up! you’ll do better next time”.

Until college. Then I got fed-up and basically gave up on working hard. I didn’t apply any effort to anything I produced; would only finish projects the night before handing in; would be the one in the group that does nothing. (NOTE: I have been from the one that does everything to the one that does nothing). As soon as this happened, suddenly I was the laziest person around. People even more lazy than me would get complements. But no. Not me. All the time I put effort in something turned into smoke, and any attempt at bringing them back turned into “excuses, excuses”. So I ultimately gave up on trying to talk to people. Oh, and all this includes my parents. You can see where my motivation comes from (sarcasm intended).

Gaming and contemplating life

I made the mistake of talking to people in a general channel on Discord. I made the mistake of viewing a game review. I made the mistake of trying to be a part of one of the biggest communities in the gaming industry. Because I saw people who shared similar interests; who where nice to each other; who respected each other. And yet, they were all treated as garbage because of a fraction of that community that insists on what content can be shown. And it isn’t their game.

Since I started to release mods, when Dragon Age: Inquisition was able to be modded, I’ve found myself contemplating on who I actually am.

See, no offense to people who like realism in games, but I’m ugly as fuck. I’m also fat, bad hair and I’m practically a bitch if you push me too hard. So whenever I play an RPG like Dragon Age, Mass Effect, Skyrim, to name a few, I want that pure black eyeshadow and eyeliner; the smooth long hair; a fit body; a great personality. I feel like a hero when playing these games. That’s the main reason as to why I don’t have an OC or anything related. Because these characters I “make” are basically an enhanced and perfect version of myself. With different names (since I don’t like mine so much), different hair colors, hairstyles. Why? I can’t use makeup for too long otherwise my face gets heavy. I have to spend money just so my hair is less puffed. Among other exciting things about myself (again, sarcasm intended). If I wanted realism in games then I might as well not play. Because I have terrible skin, wrinkles etc. Oh, and let’s not forget falling in love, having sex etc.

Why did I mention the above? Because every discussion I’ve seen about games is related to characters, graphics, story etc. I honestly do not know how people can do reviews. I have no knowledge on hardware, writing etc and yet people can produce content that is at a professional level. You guys are wizards, witches, whatever. I cannot go into a game and say “Oh, the story is bad. I felt a redundancy here and there”. I honestly can’t. Or even say, “The graphics are shit because they use sprites for backgrounds so that’s all fake”.

I graduated in Game Design in 2015. So I have a paper that says that I have the ability to develop games. No, I don’t. I hate animating. Not animations. ANIMATING. Meaning that I’d rather carry boxes here and there than sit in front of a computer and rig a 3D model. Yes, that’s how much I hate it. I can also understand the other side of the playing field.

All of the above have led me to a spiral in which I have absolutely no idea as to who I am. I can’t sink deep into a game, book, movie. I just can’t. Don’t get me wrong, I do react emotionally to most of them but I can’t simply criticize media because of how I feel. And while many people are attached to the characters they create, I have no personal attachment to mine. I didn’t sit and think “Ok. He’s her past. What she wants to be”. I simply create a face. And think of myself as that character I just created. But that only stays in-game. Leading me to the absolute questions: who am I? Do I have feelings? Am I cold-hearted for having no emotional attachment to a character I create?

To try and sum things up...

Everyone I follow has a dream. Has a life. A job. Something there good at. Friends. Family. A future.

I’m 28 years old and I have no idea as to who I am; who I want to become; what I want to do; what I want to be; I complain about my psychological problems but where do they come from if I’m nobody? I could blame all the bullying I suffered. It’s 90% of who I’ve become. I’ve been in the back seats for most of my life. And I fear coming to the front. Because I can’t deal with pressure. If someone hates me, I cry and break down. It isn’t easy to ignore. It takes time. Especially when your alone.

All the medication I take won’t erase this empty feeling I have. I can’t stop it. I don’t know how to stop it. I feel out of place here. As if I should have never gotten out of my hole. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret meeting the people I did in these past years. I love you guys so much. I only regret that I’m not the kind of person you thought I was. That I’m not the friend I should be. Because I have no experience in life.

I’m stuck in a rock and a hard place where I can’t see what versions of me are available. I can’t see the path.

(Yes, enormous rant. But if I didn’t write this down, I would have a panic attack. And I don’t want my mom seeing me like this. She already has enough problems)