#i am happy these people have received the help they needed; dont get me wrong; but like...im suffering and im told 'no youre not'

[the-autistic-system]

affirmation for the day:

I am not pissed that people with less severe scoliosis have received help when I've been denied at every turn.

I am not at all resentful of the doctors who say I cannot be helped bc it's too much of a risk.

[liverpool-enjoyer]

hey yall forewarning this is easily the most embarrassing post ive ever made on here. like im not talking normal levels of tumblr cringe/oversharing, i mean youre probly gonna judge me and think somethings genuinely wrong with me. but i really need to get it off my chest so. yolo.

also tldr at the end in case you wanna spare yourself lmao.

mkay so recently i havent been online, because ive been really sad. and the reason im sad is that gavi got a girlfriend. which i realize is probly the stupidest and most juvenile thing to be sad over but hear me out (or dont lmao its a free country do whatever you want).

its not like i ever thought i had a chance with him or anything, im not stupid. but ive known for a very long time that, due to my asexuality (and other things but mostly that), i am never going to have love in my life. so for me, daydreaming and fantasizing about being gavis girlfriend was like,,, how i coped, i guess. it was a form of escapism for me. and now i cant do that anymore bc hes someones boyfriend and fantasizing abt another girls boyfriend just feels wrong. and pathetic.

it doesnt help that all my social medias have algorithmed so that hes all over all my feeds. and to be honest, looking at him just makes me think of his beautiful girlfriend who has everything i could ever want and i feel this horrible awful nauseating feeling in my stomach and i feel envious and sad and a slew of other things. it sucks that someone who once unknowingly made me so happy now does the exact opposite but hey what can you do.

i know it sounds stupid, but i dont think i'll ever feel for someone the way i feel about him. hes the most beautiful person ive ever laid eyes on and oh God i was right this does sound stupid ok lets continue

oh and let me be clear (you hafta read that in obamas voice) im aware that feeling this way toward a complete stranger (or anyone for that matter, but like especially a complete stranger) is EXTREMELY UNHEALTHY. unfortunately, knowing that my feelings and thoughts are unhealthy doesnt stop me from having them.

so yeah. now that ive lost my form of escapism, all i can think about at any given moment is how lonely im going to be. its hard to enjoy much of anything these days when all im thinking about is how im never going to receive romantic love, and now i cant even daydream about dating gavi to cope with it. because all i can think about when i try to is how hard his girlfriend would laugh if she found out some pathetic worm halfway across the world was fantasizing about her man.

so yeah thats it. i know that every time i angst abt my asexuality (which is a LOT like holy shit why do ppl still follow me), my friends tell me that its ok because im going to find someone someday. and i appreciate it, i really do. it means the world. but my friends saying that i'll find love doesnt make it true. plenty of people have died alone and unloved before, and i am going to be one of them.

tldr: a guy ive never met got a girlfriend n im having a depressive episode abt it LMAOOOO

[nahalism]

hiiii ^.^ im going through it. im in a relationship with someone LDR and they’re emotionally unavailable and suffering with bad addiction. i feel my needs aren’t being met. they only check in with me everyday about where they’re going but otherwise no calls, no effort to text or spend time in the evenings with me. they’re out everyday with friends. they suffer with cptsd. at what point does it not become about being strong and there for them and more about working on my exit because i am suffering waiting for them to fulfill my needs. they did before so much but things have changed and i find myself waiting for them to give me that one text or that one reply or that one ounce of convo but 9 times out of 10 it’s nothing. its like a drug that i cant ween off because i love them dearly. thank you for ur wisdom in advance <3333

you're already past the point where you should have left. relationships arent just about people meeting your needs. its about what two individuals can give to the relationship. the act of the two giving is called investment, & the level of investment determines what is built/comes to fruition as a consequence of the relationship. rn youre building alone. your providing the land, the bricks, the mortar, the furniture. the everything.. AND you've given someone a key to this 'house' in the hopes that whilst their in it, you can break past their defences and build them too .... that isnt a relationship, its a project at best, charity at worst. and your playing on your time. — ima be brutally honest out of love. i have a lot of time and empathy, both for addicts and people lost in their mental illness, but it takes a lot to be there for them, especially whilst maintaining your own sanity and peace of mind. since you feel addicted to this individuals affection, and you live far from them, you are not an ideal candidate to care for them. your just fodder for the current crossfire they are playing in, orrrrr at worst, an enabler of the situation. people dont like to hear it but whilst staying lets you feel like a 'good' person, its rarely what is best for the situation. sometimes you got to fall back. letting someone hit rock bottom and face the consequences of their actions is often the only way they get better. — and deep it.. when he does get better he could change so drastically from the person you knew. there is no guarantee that who he is becoming is a person you can love or more forward with.

you need some some honest reflection, then a long hard conversation with yourself. you need to get to the root of why youre putting up with this, and why your standard for your needs being met is so low. (a partner should be able to show up for you wayyyyyy beyond the expectations you currently have). then consider this, is you sticking around about your partner? or is it about you.. and your own desire to feel necessary and wanted? if the answer is you, research codependent relationships and how the dependent individual can be covertly narcissistic. im not trying to shade u at all so pls dont take this wrong. i could tell u how great of a person u are to stick by your person but all that would do is fluff your ego & probably help u repeat the patterns of this relationship elsewhere. — i legit rebuke that for u. i want you happy, content, and giving / receiving the love your deserve. 🙂‍↕️. sending u lots of love and courage. u got thisssss

[sadieshavingsex]

wow. been a few weeks since I’ve posted here. things have rapidly gotten better for me over the past few weeks to the point where I’m honestly kind of still waiting for the upper shoe to drop. I want to take a sec to tell about the major things that have finally clicked and helped.

i left a cut because it's a handful of paragraphs. lots of stuff about my relationship dynamics and evangelicalism and how they intertwine and what I've been learning, plus a resource I've been using that has really helped me with this

first off, I totally and finally cut off all means of common contact with my ex. he actually was the one to tell me to stop getting in touch, but I also was able to ensure that I blocked him on multiple accounts and (at least for now) will also not receive messages from heavily involved mutual friends/acquaintances/etc (this was a huge issue previously even after both of us had individually tried to stay out of touch with the other. Like people from his life just kept messaging me all the time as though nothing was wrong, which I think was a huge thing holding me back from effectively moving on).

I haven’t heard from the man or his family/friends or had to unwillingly be subjected to his face on socials for 3 ish weeks now and it has already made a world of difference. with actual distance from him I can clearly see why my most popular post is my most popular post. “IM TIRED OF FEELING PATHOLOGIZED IM TIRED OF PATHOLOGIZING MYSELF!” This was probably the most massive issue in the relationship. I had valid wants, needs, and ideas about what a relationship should and could be that he just couldn’t fulfill, and instead of simply leaving it be and letting him go for my own sanity, I gaslit myself (and sometimes let him gaslight me) into thinking that when my VERY VALID and often RELATIVELY BASIC wants and needs weren’t being addressed, I was “too needy” and there was something wrong with ME that could be fixed. And I tried to fix it for two fucking years - often by going to therapy, trying to find a diagnosis, reading a ton of self-help books, etc! Until a few weeks ago, when I suddenly came to this reframe that like, there are plenty of people who can meet me where I am with the kind of care I’m looking for and achieve basic relational goals for things like HONESTY, ENTHUSIASM, EMOTIONAL SAFETY, and beyond. Some of these were already a struggle from the start of the relationship with Sam and most got significantly worse as we stayed together for almost a year and a half. And continued to get worse even afterward as I tried to salvage a friendship or relationship or whatever I could with this person who was treating me generally pretty hurtfully, whether he meant to or not.

I can see how evangelicalism would play a huge role here, because the church very much used the rhetoric of “if you aren’t happy and fulfilled with what you’re being given (often mistreatment lol), YOU are the problem and need to try harder/renew your mind/be more faithful/etc”

what a whirlwind to come out the other side of this and say, SOMETIMES YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM. I was trying so hard to “heal” and “fix myself” so that I could be a better, more accepting girlfriend and the reality is that MANY people would agree that the way Sam treated me was below the bar for what a healthy relationship should look like. I was trying to contort myself to feel happy and healthy within a dynamic that was simply bad for me! And a lot of the time Sam contributed heavily to it! But instead of thinking about what I want, need, and deserve in a relationship, I just thought about why I clearly was in the wrong and needed to “get help” to make it work. Here’s the lesson: I DONT NEED TO SETTLE OR BECOME SMALLER TO MAKE A RELATIONSHIP WORK!

I’m going to take a break from therapy for a little while this coming month and I think it will be good. The truth is that I was in a relationship that was super negative for me in many ways beyond the sex stuff I talked about on this blog, and I just didn’t leave and kept trying to do the majority of the lifting to make it work. I thought something was wrong with ME when the reality is that I am who I am and my needs and wants are valid and the SITUATION was just so wrong for me. The ocd therapist I’d started seeing said she thought the greatest exposure would be being myself and just doing me, and I think I agree.

For so long I was part of a religion where I had to use doublethink and make myself, my thoughts, my needs, my goals, and my wants small to make the situation make sense as a fruitful and fulfilling relationship. And that’s essentially what I just did, again, for a year and a half.

I think it’s time to validate myself big time. The things I want are really not crazy and can often easily be found if I know where to look. Yeah, I have some mental health issues, but many of them have been insanely exacerbated and blown out of regular proportion beyond belief by the relationships and situations I’ve found myself in and decided to remain in even though they were harmful, confusing, unfulfilling, etc. It’s time to take up space. It’s time to get what I want and not settle for less! Not to allow obvious red flags to even enter the picture. Just to enjoy my life for what it is and how happy I can be when I meet my needs and treat myself and invest in situations and relationships that lift me up rather than tearing me down. Thank you all for being with me through the past year and a half. I’m so excited and feel so good these recent days, it’s really almost unbelievable compared to how I felt around Sam, especially after he’d broken up with me but would still come around occasionally. I can post more soon about resources that have helped me during this time, but the biggest one currently is Erica Smith’s Sexual Values Workbook for Purity Culture Dropouts (which is actually on sale right now). It has opened my eyes to what really matters to me surrounding sex and allowed me to think really clearly about some of the dynamics in the relationship that were so off that I just couldn’t see, many of which came out through the distress around sex but were really far beyond it in terms of scope. I’m so happy to be doing this workbook while single and enjoying learning about myself without judgment. Can’t wait to keep you all updated as I go and grow❤️ all my love always

[emometalhead]

Tag 3 people who have made your year better and send this to the last 10 blogs in your notifications (anonymously or not) ❣

I can't simply tag 3. So many people made this year wonderful for me, and I want to acknowledge them all!!

In alphabetical order by url:

@a-queen-of-the-clouds - Jori, you are always a joy to have on my dash. I have so much fun reading your tags. Never change!! I love you, and am grateful to know you.

@arnold-layne - My beloved!! We've been friends for a while, but I feel like our communication has really ramped up this year. I'm so glad that we've been talking more! You're a really cool person, and I love our interactions. Ilysm.

@awrestlinggirlwholoves80sbands - Alessia!! Sweetie, you are one of the kindest people I've ever met. I love your fashion, your passion for your interests, and how much you care about your friends. I am so so grateful for our continuing friendship. ILY!!

@born-to-lose - Mel, my beloved, my wife!! You know I'm obsessed with you. You are the language queen, a talented writer, and stunningly hot. Iconic all around. I love you and our friendship. Here's to another year! Kisses!!

@day-trippin-dreamer - TINA!!!!!! Our daily conversations have helped me stay sane through this crazy year. Even though timezones are not our friends, I love that we manage to stay updated on each other's days. We will meet up in Belgium to watch movies together one day. My passport should arrive in early February lol. One step closer!! I love you so much, and I adore our friendship. Thank you for everything!!

@deadhousep1ants Bee!! Hiiii! I am so glad to have met you this year! We talk more on Instagram than here nowadays, but I needed to include you on this post!! We have a lot in common, and I just generally think you're really cool. I'm really happy to be your mutual. I'm always wishing you the best! Ily.

@doctorqueensanatomy - Sheamus, I don't think I need to tell you how much I appreciate, because I say it all the time. However, I'm still going to tell you again. I love you!!!! Our friendship is precious to me, and I am so sad I can't hug you. I am still sitting, waiting, and constantly checking my email for when you'll receive any of the things I sent you for Christmas lol. I'm grateful for the opportunity to physically show how much I care, and I look forward to all of our future conversations (in text and call). Btw you're also like a super talented writer, and that needs to be acknowledged.

@duffmckagans - Kelsey, you're like a piece of my soul put into another person. We are so similar, and it's crazy how well we get along. I love our daily catch ups, and that I can text you about literally anything. There is no one else I'd rather sob to about Axl. I can always count on you. You're an insanely talented writer, so smart in general, and always have the correct opinion. You know I love you.

@emodennis - Phoenix, my dude, I am so happy we've become friends this year!! Last year, I wouldn't have imaged myself on Sunnyblr (as I literally didn't know it existed). I am so glad to be there, because otherwise we wouldn't have met. I'm excited to see how our friendship progresses in the coming year!!

@glamourizedcocaine - Alexi, you haven't been active lately. I'm not sure you'll see this, but it feels wrong to exclude you from this post. I love being able to scream nonsense about Gerard with you. You're a good friend, and I miss you on my dash. Ily.

@hobbitinneverland - İrem!! You're such a positive force on my dash and in my notes. I love you so much!! You always brighten my day with your presence. You're so amazing. Sending you the best vibes!!

@i-dont-like-rice - My dear Andi, idk if you'll see this, but I will take any opportunity to say how wonderful you are. I love your chaos. I love that I can talk to you about anything, and you'll understand. I feel like you see parts of me that no one else can, and I hope you know that your friendship is irreplaceable. I love and miss you! I look forward to our meeting in Belgium one day!!

@idontwanttospoiltheparty - Hi Fiona!! Your blog is so fun. It's the best hub for Beatles and Swiftie discussions. I love being able to see takes without absurd drama. I may not always agree with your opinions, but I have a lot of respect for you. You're really smart, talented, and all around fun. I'm grateful for our friendship. Ilysm.

@inquisitiveheretic - Lee!!!!!!! I think I'm incapable of thinking your name without screaming it mentally. You are my favorite mysterious mutual. I am always so excited to talk to you, and I feel so happy when I see you in my notifications. I think you're my biggest example of an opposites attract friend due to our wide divergence of interests, and that's really cool to me. You are someone that I take great comfort in, and I wish I could hug you. I think of you whenever I listen to Metallica, and that happens a lot. Love you.

@losers-yurio - Rylie, you aren't very active here, but I hope you know I still love you with my entire heart despite having less communication this year. I'm on better terms with my parents in regards to calling people, and I'm hoping to have more free time soon. We really really need to reconnect. I love and miss you so much. You will always be my first real Internet friend, and one of my favorite people ever.

@modernloverss - Syd!! First of all, I hope you know you can ramble to me about Ghost anytime, and I'll be very excited about it. It's been fun watching you fall down the fandom rabbit hole. All of our interactions have been so overwhelmingly positive. Your presence always warms my heart, and that is just about the highest praise I can bestow. Ilysm.

@nocturnal-light - Lynne, I am forever in awe of you. You're a creative artist, a stunning ice skater, and an impressive bassist. You can do it all omg. I'm proud of you for all you've accomplished, and I'm rooting for you from the virtual sidelines. Also, in case no one has told you lately, you're doing great with school. You will make it through!! I love being mutuals and friends. Ily!!

@no-fxn-club - Frankie, my dude, the iconic southern who confuses me constantly, you are one of my best friends. I will never be able to tell you I love you enough times. I am SO SAD I can't hug you!!!! I know you give amazing hugs. You have a big heart, and I'm grateful to be your friend to receive some of that love. You have an A+ music taste, a killer sense of fashion, and I always have so much fun talking to you about the most random stuff. I LOVE YOU!!

@nuttmeg13 - Megan, you were my first mutual! Though not directly, you did help me figure out how this place works lol. I'm grateful for you, because I really love Tumblr now that I've found community. You have The Best opinions. I have absorbed so much random Doctor Who information over the years, and I love seeing your fandoms that I know nothing about! You're one of my favorite Swifites!! Ilysm!

@ob-la-di-ob-la-di - Ameera, you are always a source of positivity. You are a talented artist, and I hold it so near and dear to my heart that you drew me!! I think about that all the time, because it was so sweet!! Every interaction we have brings me so much joy. You're gorgeous inside and out. I love you!

@only-a-heartbeat-away - Harlow!! I appreciate you so much. I can always count on you for participation in ask and tag games. It's been lovely getting to know you through games. You have an excellent music taste, and you're such a fun person. Ily! Thanks for being my friend!

@ramblinguitar - Hi Alexa!! First and foremost, thank you for all of the music recommendations this year. I think I've added every song to my main playlist. You have great taste, and a good understanding of what I enjoy. That's really cool. I'm thankful to have such an awesome, grunge mutual and friend. You're talented, and I wish I wasn't broke so I could actually buy bracelets from you. I love your work!! Ily, my dear friend!!

@smokeandmirrorz - Jeordie!! You're so damn cool. First of all, I'm so excited to receive your card this year. Your art is stunning!! I love your style, and it means so much that you were willing to make something for me again. You're so nice!! You have impeccable style, great taste in pop culture, and I love our conversations. One of these days I really hope I'm free when you do a movie stream or just a voice chat. Ily and our friendship!

@therockywhorerpictureshow - Ella, you are an incredible baker! I love seeing posts of what you have created. Your posts always make me hungry lol. A+! Also, your dogs are so cute. Such a pleasure to see!! I love seeing you in my notifications and on my dash. I'm so glad we're mutuals. Ily!

@tomkeifer - Ren, you're one of my favorite people and I hope you never forget that. You're easily one of the coolest people I know. You're incredibly smart, and I know you are going to accomplish great things in life. I am so excited to see that happen. You're a talented musician, have amazing hair/makeup skills/fashion, and are overall a good person. I'm forever impressed with you. Please drink some water. I love you!!

@th0mas-jerome-newton - Zoran, my Polish mutual, my whole heart. Ilysm!! You are such a fun presence on my dash. We don't talk very much, but you bring me such comfort. I'm grateful for you!!

@xx-key-xx - What can I say? You're an icon. I love your commitment to the 2000s. You are my favorite 2000s girlie, and I love your posts so much. Not to sound like I'm signing a yearbook, but stay cool ILY!!

[signedkoko]

Hii I’m sending in my matchup again since you didn’t receive it, here I go!

Fandom: I’d like a romantic male matchup for helluva boss and hazbin hotel please!

My name is Jaxrel but I also go by Himawari, Rin, Eden and Luke too! I’m Transgender (FTM), Aromatic, Polyamory, Unlabled, & Bisexual, I’ve been diagnosed with Autism, ADHD, Schizophrenia, BPD & OCD, im wasian (eastern european & west-southeast asian), polish, arab/middle eastern, flipino, scottish & russian.

personality traits (and notes): extroverted, at first awkward, shy and distant when meeting people, extremely independent, when comfortable I talk about a lot of stuff for hours, loud talker, emotions come off as sarcastic or silly (due to autism), confident, straightforward (I have a urge to correct someone of faulty information), uses “big” words, good sense of humor, playful, entertaining, optimistic, mischievous, curious(I’m nosy and I love gossip), i can be a rule breaker(sometimes I don’t mean to), dad/tharapist friend, when I go out I bring water bottles, first aid kit, chapstick(s) just in case, chill but some people would say I have some “repressed anger issues”, I get a realllyyy overractive Brain, I tend to get deep and philosophical when I’m left on my own for to long, I can be verbally aggressive when prevoked, im on the more severe of of the Autism Spectrum so I would like someone to acknowledge that and I also stim when I’m to overwhelmed when there’s a crowded place, to much lighting, etc.

things I love about myself: when someone is going through anything or needs help with anything they will call me before anyone else, i have an ugly laugh so guaranteed if i laugh someone else will as well, how much i love animals if i see a stray around my house i will adopt it immediately, if i see a stranger crying in public my eyes will not leave them alone until i get the courage to walk up to them and ask whats wrong, i am very confrontational i will always stand up for whats right no matter how scary the situation may be, how greedy i am for money but when i love someone i will spend the world on them, how excited i get for little things like when someone buys me redbull, monster, cherry pepsi or chocolate pretzels/strawberries my day cant be ruined, how in touch i am with being grateful if someone helps me in anyway or does something in general to benefit me i will never forget it, dont take people for granted, ive been told anytime someone hangs out with me that being with me feels safe and peaceful, I pay attention to the little things, how even though i dont care about plushies i have been given some and i make sure to kiss them all goodnight in case they are actually real and see what happens, if i know someone is having a hard mental health day i will clean for them/ get them icecream and be patient till they are ready to talk about it, without fail a quiet person will always be loud with me, i am the type of person who just wants people i love to be happy even if its not with me, i will always choose them i dont say i love you until i mean it i will celebrate the people i love, i am very observant if i see that someone wants something i will get it for them no matter what, i will make it my mission to compliment a stranger that looks like they are having a hard time so their day is a little better, how i say i hate kids but i will protect them with my life and im so gentle with them, I am not ashamed of what i love like anime for example even though when I was teased for it when I was little i never once hid that i loved it, even if i dont like a song that someone shows me i will be hyper while listening to it so they dont feel small and embarrassed around me, how soft i become when someone holds my hand, even though hugging makes me uncomfortable i will push past that boundary and hug someone with all my heart if they needed it, i love how hardworking i am, whether its how much i love actually working or just getting out of bed knowing how hard my mind is fighting i love how i have gotten up everyday for the past 12 years despite how challenging it is to, i am an emotional person but i will always cry for a sad scene in a movie, if i love you, you'll be seen.

hobbies: anime/manga, gaming, anthropology, pathology, zoology, music (I’m a vocaloid producer, i rap like MILLI, i make odecore/breakcore/scenecore music and I make music to artists that I listen to, dancing, filmmaking, art (drawing, painting, pottery, digital art, etc), learning different instruments/languages, cosplaying, skateboarding, tabletop RPG’s, taking pictures of things that I think are pretty, collecting figurines/stuffed animals and puppetry, science/history, soccer(football)/volleyball/basketball and swim, cooking/baking, art is definitely my main hobby I dedicate a lot of time to it

likes: vocaloid/utau, k-pop/j-pop, vkei, watching documentaries/youtube, decorating my room, iced coffee, boba tea, bread, sharks, cats, cold weather, christmas, musicals, cleaning, rhythm games, being with my friends, shopping, partys, mint candles, sweet and spicy food, any asian food (japanese, korean, chinese, taiwanese, etc), the mandela catalog, your boyfriend (game), roblox(game), otome games and more!

these are some of my top kins!!:  hiyori tomoe (enstars), yoosung kim (mystic messenger), jumin han (mystic messenger), hanako (tbhk), felix kranken (twf), albedo (genshin impact), shoya ishida (a silent voice), tom (eddsworld), eridan (homestuck), karkat (homestuck), shu itsuki (enstars),miyamura izumi (horimiya), micheal afton (FNAF), lolbit (FNAF), mangle (FNAF), natsume sakasaki (enstars), sora harukawa (enstars), urumi akamaki (alice in borderland), V (mystic messenger), hagumi kitazawa (bandori), matsubara kanon (bandori), shinji ikari (neon genesis evangelion), geto suguru (jujustu kaisen), minami kotobuki (oshi no ko), lain iwakura (serial experiments lain), hajime hinata (danganronpa), mondo owada (danganronpa), blade (honkai star rail), hua cheng (TGCF), ame-chan (needy streamer overdose), k-angel (needy streamer overdose) and more....!

I'm a ENTP, 4w3 and a Aquarius

misc: I live in a mixed language house hold where I speak mostly polish and Arabic, and some Korean and Japanese, it world be nice if the person who I get can react to that lol, i know 6 languages (Japanese, Korean, Spanish, Arabic, Polish & French), clumsy; accidentally misuses slang or phrases bc i can never remember how they go (e.g. "bust this popsicle stand" instead of “blow this popsicle stand"); prone to be a bit directionless in life, tries to find comfort and humor in hard times, tries not to take life to seriously, i love dancing a lot, I do a lot of dancing like tiktok (idk I’m so sorry😭) dancing, belly dancing, dabke dancing and more.

appearance /aesthetic: 5'6 / 167.64 cm, midsize, rectangular body shape, i have a masculine and feminine face (somehow), dimple on chin, hazel eyes, wears glasses, dyed black boy hair, lots of piercings, no tattoos(I need some), for style, i wear a lot such as goth (trad goth, romantic goth, mall goth, cyber goth, and victorian goth), gyaru (hime gal, himekaji, agejo, rokku, manba, banba, kogal, tsuyome, and kigurumi), scenemo/emo, & vkei ouji and lolita, i wear streetwear clothes mostly at home/school/work, i basically wear casual clothes too but can also pull off a kpop idol look(and I pull it off really well), i also wear a lot of cool dresses and suits, i wear fishnets and combat boats/converse, but I also wear Y2K and I also dress in alternative clothing a LOT, I wear a lot of other harajuku styles such as kimono style, jirai kei, decora, mori kei, cult party kei and more but the ones highlighted are the ones I wear mostly.

You got...Vortex!

The both of you are involved in the arts, and Vortex has always enjoyed music thanks to bodyguarding so many musicians throughout his career.

Get used to lots of drives and road trips together, blasting one anothers music and singing out loud. Usually you stop at a convenience store and splurge on some shitty energy drinks and snacks, and then go sight seeing through hell.

Seeing that he and Beelzebub are so close, she always invited you both to her parties, where you get to meet all kinds of people and see her performances live. The hellhounds adopted you pretty quickly, and you get along with the majority of them.

Vortex might encourage you to try mural and spray painting since you are so into art, and can get you a couple gigs with artists. Always encouraging you creatively, and absolutely talks you up to people who ask about his relationship.

He tends to keep to himself more out of the two of you, but expect him to back you up if someone ever has an issue with you. Extremely chill, and will always make sure your comfort is above all else!

Expect lots of dancing, singing, parties and time together.

Author's Note - Sorry if I ran a bit short here, I had a hard time finding some good matches so I hope his works! Thank you for your request <3

[catra-writes]

grief.

grief for those ive lost, grief for the person i couldnt be and for the person i used to be, grief for those ive hurt and couldnt help grief for pain i caused myself for damage i caused for damage i couldnt fix. grief for things that never happened, for what could have been had i tried a little harder let a lone tried at all, had i said something for once. grief for the words i left unspoken and now will never know what impact they could have had, for what impact i could have had. i feel grief for so much, the people who left my life, the lives i left, the relationships i ended, the relationships i let slip through my fingers, the things that could have been more happy memories, the memories that turned sour. the pets i lost and no longer have, the things i neglected to care for.

i feel so much grief for things that were both in and out of my control, i dont want to feel more grief but i know this will never go away, i'll always have "sad for what could have and what ifs" moments, i'll always feel a pit in my stomach for choices i made or didnt make, that wont change. grief never goes away for a survivor of disasters, even if on the outside it doesnt seem all that disastrous.

2. mind control

a mind under control, something people think i've had all my life but in reality i never have nor could i gain it. not where i am right now. i have people still in my life controlling me, poisoning my mind with more doubts and fears and insecurities, more guilt and blame and things i cant change until im finally gone from here. my mind is under the control of seeds of doubt and anxieties planted by my abusers since i was a mere child, things i cant uproot when theyre still being watered on the daily.

i cant free myself of the mind control unless i have help choking the weeds out, until then im stuck under the thumb of voices and chains belonging to those who've hurt me to the point im convinced im beyond repair, to people i believe i have no choice but to rely on or else i cant function because thats what they want in my head.

3. betrayal

a feeling im all to damn familiar with. many of my relationships ended because of a backstab, a switch of sides. im all to familiar with the feeling of gut wrenching pain, my heart dropping to the pit in my stomach as the person i thought had my back turns and dives a sword through it. ive had my heart taken and smashed to bits but a betrayal too many times to count. whether its an ex partner or a friend, even a family member, i know the feeling all too well.

betrayal as someone i loved sided with an abuser, betrayal as someone leaves me for better or worse. i may not have absolutely felt it all but i have felt it enough.

4. jealousy.

jealous when even though we're both poly my partner gives or receives attention and affection from/to someone else, jealous when my siblings are clearly treated better than i am, jealous when people are chosen over me, jealous when people receive or give things to others and i once again get little to nothing.

i hate jealousy, it feels unfair and selfish but at the same time its justified. with all i have gone through, gotten and lacked through my life i have a right to be jealous. i get jealous and i need to admit it to myself, i get jealous and i need t let myself be.

5. cursed.

some could say i have been, maybe even that i brought it on myself. for many reasons, and they could be right. but ive been cursed in the other way, cursed out by the family i no longer what to associate myself with because they have it in their heads that im wrong and always doing wrong. cursed by those who believe i was born wrong and dont deserve to have or be right. cursed out because i dont fit in someones box so to them i deserve to be called slurs and become their verbal punching bag.

iv'e been cursed by the world to live in a body im uncomfortable with, to be a person i can only pretend to love.

6. unrequited love.

one sided love, often the reason for a lot of the relationships i ended myself romantic or otherwise. and it hurts both ways to realize that. the person i'd though i loved the same way having to get their heart broken when i realize i never did, or the person i though loved me back turning out to be a liar and a user.

i dont feel love or fall in love often, not because im too hurt and broken to want to anymore but just because thats the way i am, influenced by the damage or not. and when i do, a lot of times it turned out to be unrequited, ive given up on searching for and making new attachments, because i no longer see or feel the need to try.

7. forgotten.

being forgotten and forgetting, some of my greatest fears. i fear constantly of what i've forgotten, if maybe it was important or dangerous and remembering it could bring more pain or that i forgot something and in turn caused someone else pain. i fear that i'll be forgotten, my name and face and very being gone from all memory, no one knowing who i am, leaving me in the dust. i fear i'll forget myself, if i cant remember who i am, if others forget me, what do i do? what do i become? and im terrified that without memory i wont exist, im terrified to find out what that would be like if it were ever to happen and im terrified that the truth really is that thats going to be a good thing in the end.

ive forgotten so much already, names, faces, people, items, dates, events, very pieces of myself even. im so terrified of anymore being forgotten. by myself or anyone else.

8. terminal disease

i cant say i have one, but i can ay it often feels like it with the physical, emotional and mental anguish and debilitating pain i constantly carry with me. every movement, every word, every energy spent makes me feel just a little weaker. i'll have highs then i'll crash just a little lower ever time. it doesnt feel like it'll ever go away, ever fully heal, like i'll never recover, at least not to full. it'll keep going down, going backwards, no matter how many times or how far it climbs back up, like gravity it always goes back down. you cant take a leap without landing.

9. neglected.

ive been neglected by my parents growing up, things that should have been taught and given to be i either got very little of, never got at all and/or watched/heard others receive instead. i missed out on the support from a parent telling me it was okay to cry let alone feel, that it was okay to make mistakes, that it was okay for accidents to happen and that it was okay to ask for help, to be honest and admit and own up to things. i missed out on a parent being there when i needed it, i missed out on a parent trying genuinely to understand. instead i got nothing, i got yelled at or i got shamed.

if another adult dared give me any of that i cried or got angry and confused or scared. i missed out on proper help from adults growing up, only learning when it was to late that i had options i could have used to get further.

i grew up being sidelined and hardly even being given the bare minimum. so when im included, when im cared for, when im given even the bare minimum, i dont know what to do, i cry,i feel guilty, im convinced im less than deserving, im unfamiliar with it, i dont know how to process it.

10. ghost.

ive had my fair share of ghosts, still do, often times i was one, still am one. ghosts in the sense of haunting words and memories, ghosts in the sense of overwhelming bottled up guilt, ghosts in the sense that ive been conditioned to carry what i really dont deserve. a ghost in the sense that im invisible, a ghost in the sense that i get ignored and over looked or brushed off, a ghost in the sense that people see and have seen me as nothing more than a fleeting piece of the past.

im here, im rarely seen or heard, i have constant phrases said by others swimming in my head, constant pressure placed on my shoulder like a manipulative parent placing their hand on my and telling me whats expected of me and giving me false hope that i could ever be enough for them, false hope that they care when at the same time they push me to the back, shove me to the side and favour others over me.

ive been a ghost, haunted by the ghosts of others and their words and actions all my life.

[princessbdawg]

Tumblr is such a funny place, considering it still exists in 2024. But as I get older, it's become a place for me to come back and I can still feel like I'm 16. Just something I want to get off my chest this evening, as if this will help. The past few years (approx. 8 years), I've had this obsession with death, afterlife, and the entire life cycle. I honestly think it's because you left. I remember being in 6th grade and wanting this shit to end. Everyday. Telling myself, when Nana and Papa leave, I'm out. Planned. Attempted. Postponed.

But you left before they did. And here we are, 27 years into this, and they're still here, and you've been gone for 8 of those years.

I've realized, the feeling of never wanting to be here, but experiencing a painful loss like you, I now understand the feeling I would've gave others, like my sister. And decided to never attempt again.

The endless "why's".

The, "Was I not good enough for her to stay?".

The, "What did I do wrong?"

The, "I wish I would've done more".

The "I should've done more for her to want to stay"

But. There's never an answer. Never a reason we convince ourself of why they didn't want to stay here longer. And then we live with that regret forever.

It's probably why I'm a people pleaser. to the point where it's sickening.

It's probably the reason why I want everyone to have a happy/pleasant/meaningful interaction with me. Because I want them to feel like they belong/are seen/important/loved in this world... because everyday I regret that I didn't do that enough for Her.

*anyways*

Tattoos. Lol. The whole reason for this post. I've been obsessed with death and the fact that 'everything must die'. And I've gotten tattoos symbolizing that. Explaining these topics and obsession with others has been hard. Am I wrong? Does that make me 'odd' or 'weird'? Or is it just an uncomfortable topic and I'm not use to it yet? I dont know. I've been getting tattoos surrounding Her and Death. All my tattoos are surrounding her and my little sis. Because this was my family. I guess my question/reasoning of this post is:

Should I be uncomfortable with death/loss when explaining my tattoos? Or do I need to learn how to be confident in this explanation and let others receive it how it is?

Uncomfortable people pleaser,

PrincessBdawg

[fxirybun]

are there really multiple physical versions of ourselves? not just dopplegangers but u could be different to how u currently are but this version of me seems the only version and it sucks cause i feel like people dont know how to reciprocate what i expect them too if im upset at them they dont like it if im happy they also dont like it if i remember something someone did guess what? they dont want to remember their past behaviours.

so i feel like sometimes this is the only version of reality there is because I havent seen anyone be any different and I have kinda been stuck in this reality because ppl dont want me to thrive cause no matter what I try nothings been a success for me thus far. so im wondering now if theres another reality where I mightve had more success or maybe different type of parenting where they couldve had more empathy lmao it seems a common theme in people lacking basic understandings of problems they cause for others that still affect others later on. i often am told to just "get over something" yh bc they have such a great social circle but i dont. sorry for ranting but im stuck and i dont feel comfortable reaching out to people in current times cause i feel like many folk are mainly fragile egoists who only want to benefit themselves. they dont care if they hurt someone or prevent an opportunity or make it about themselves. have u had such experiences?

that reminded me of the egg theory that i stumbled upon on tiktok. we can't expect someone to treat us fairly these days since most of the time they'll usually focus on themselves whilst they can and would do anything to take advantage of someone in order for them to gain something.

i came to a realization back in middle school that people will only treat you poorly if you degrade or underestimate yourself. i remember letting myself be secluded from my peers due to my low self-esteem and how it reflected it based on how i showed myself outside. this led others to assume that i'm shy or weak which was considered a "bad image" during that time. because of it , i ended up receiving poor treatment and just like you i feel frustrated since i didn't do anything wrong to them.

when i decided to change myself and did it the other way around that's when i'm receiving the treatment that i've wanted: to be respected. there would be an instance wherein i cannot keep up with the persona i made outside my small bubble since i'm an introvert at heart and i tend to be an awkward person. when i'm with someone alone it would be dead silence unless there's another person around who knows how to start a topic. it bothered me at first but i got used to it due to me embracing this side of myself.

did i regret doing it ? not at all since i know how to balance it + i get to recharge my social battery once i'm in my room. humans are known to be social creatures and cannot stand alone , i learned it the hard way. this is one of the reasons why i socialize with everyone because it's hard to be by yourself especially in times when you need help. moreover , you also get to meet other groups of people who are on the same vibration as you along the way ^_-

to conclude , there's still a way to change the version of yourself in this reality ! if i can do it , then so can you ⸜( ◜࿁◝ )⸝ there's a trial and error on my part but that didn't stop me from committing it because i don't want to live in this vicious cycle. i also learned back when i was 14-15 ish that i'm the only person who can help myself and that i cannot rely too much on someone in other situations. it is my problem that i need to face , not theirs since they're not obligated to it + they have their share of problems too that they need to take care of.

i ended up not giving a fuck as to what people may think of me because , at the end of the day , i'm the only one who knows myself better. thank you for sharing how you currently feel anon and hopefully my food for thought made you feel valid or provided you some kind of comfort or such ∩(´∀`∩)

[dumbbitchfrommars]

im feeling quite a darkness and heaviness at the moment.

lowkey feel like i need to find a psych again, cause im probably gonna spiral soon.

this was supposed to be an exciting time but instead i feel like crap.

everything is always stress stress stress. i always wonder if this is gonna affect my long term health and mental health - constantly being afraid and anxious and stressed.

i am in debt, that should be my biggest concern right now but its not. i dont care at all. which is a huge thing to say considering my capricorn moon.

nothing really feels worth it, nothing is good enough. nothing is ever good enough. when has it ever? i try so hard to appreciate the little things but its like im always masking this underlying lack of appreciation for everything. life is hard. life has let me down so often... i have let myself down so often.

what did life do to deserve these words? lets be honest for once. no one and nothing has done me dirty. its all in my favour and to help me grow. im the one whos resisting and refusing to change.

i have a list of bad habits and thought processes that are limiting me. its a wonder people have the patience and forgiveness for me. i feel like im not really worth it. i guess when it comes to my family theyre just forced to - theyre my family. we live together. of course they will tolerate me.

somehow feeding into my negativity is not helping. i still feel wrong. like its all wrong and im not allowed to feel this way. ive done the wrong thing and im handling it all wrong. what do i do to fix it?

the tarot told me to reach out to others during this time. to communicate. the one thing i suck most at. yet i dont either at the same exact time. ive learnt how to talk about the things that matter. work. work and... fun. but life isnt all about work and fun. theres ugly stuff too. like my inner world and how underdeveloped and unprepared she is for the real world.

im angry and insecure, yes, we already established that. what's deeper? i dont know how to take care of myself. i want to be taken care of. i am scared of being forced to take care of myself. i am hurt because nobody wants to take care of me. i feel abandoned. i feel neglected. my inner child is feeling neglected. my inner child wants so desperately to be looked after.

i went into a black hole and had no one on the outside to look after me. but thats not true, is it? i had someone to look after me. i was lucky enough to have someone who cares about me to look after me. and i wasnt grateful, because i was upset. i felt id received evil eye. i was suspicious and angry and resentful because somehow it all meant that i was less worthy, less pretty, less wanted, less important, less enough. less pretty less thick less curvy less attractive less magnetic less feminine less desired. its so fucking stupid. its so so so fucking stupid. its all stupid. its all a stupid fucking game made by men who want us against each other and want them to be the prize. i am the prize. ive convinced myself im not but i am the fucking prize.

how did i let it get to this? how come it has come to this? when and how and why did it? when i retrace my steps, can i see how i fell into the trap of negative thinking time and time again until the point of no return? i thought i'd be fine as soon as i had time to myself. but the damage has been done and its gonna take a while for me to return to where i was before. i should be feeling on top of the world. i should be feeling magnificent. and proud. and happy. but i feel like absolute shit. i feel so low. and i feel like i cant focus on anything but the worst experiences from the last few months. nothing good only bad. im being frustrating and stubborn and completely negative and childish.

im so angry at myself right now. i dont know how to fix it. i dont know how to get back to normal in time. theres no time. life doesnt wait for me or anyone. but i still need time. how can i show my face to all my friends and put on a smile when nothing is fine inside? i want to say "no, i cant make it" and take the time to recover. but will i even recover? it just becomes another thing to add to the list of things im disappointed in myself over. im a mess. im chaos. im a child throwing tantrums everything her fuse has run out. because im not able to regulate my emotions until they blow over and all of the sudden im reacting and lashing out and doing things i always come to regret.

i hate feeling like im being treated like a child and yet i act like one.

i want someone to look after me and take care of me and parent me and love me.

but can i do any of those things for myself? for another person? i say how badly i want children but look at me. id be a terrible mother. i can barely take care of myself.

knowing all these things does nothing for me. i need to change. i want to change. but i dont want to either. im afraid of how much work its gonna take. all of the sudden im 18 again and completely overwhelmed and cant handle the pressure of all the responsibility life and adulthood brings. im still grieving the old me. im still grieving the childhood i missed out on... im still grieving the childhood i never appreciated.

my life lesson will be to appreciate it.

and still my ears ring and still my head throbs and i cant cry because i am still disconnected from her. i am her. but i cant reach her. shes taken the reigns and is bulldozing everything i thought i once knew.

theres so much to unpack. i want to learn i want to change i want to grow. fuck its so overwhelming. i feel like shit. i feel like a failure. i feel so weak and immature because i just cant do it. i feel so ashamed because i dont want to be this way. i dont want to be treated like a child i just want your respect.. i just want to be respected. i just want to be heard. listen to me! i deserve to be heard. i deserve to speak up. why cant i just fucking SPEAK UP? why wont you give me the space to SPEAK UP? listen to me! listen to me! listen to me! i might be a child but i am still fucking important! listen to me! how could you make me feel this way? this small? this unimportant? this silenced? my anger is valid but its being channeled in the wrong way. its spilling out because i dont know what to do with and i dont know how to integrate it and i dont know how to share it in a healthy way.

okay. i need to sit with this for one fucking second . its all ive been wanting and asking and waiting for for weeks. so let me do that. okay!? give me a fucking break. fuck.

[justanother-blogpost]

Am I an idiot?

I just dont understand things sometimes. It can be about anything: people, society, history, religion, and the list goes on.

I might be an 'idiot' because I want to be.

I can easily learn, because I can't seriously be that dumb.

Maybe it's not me, maybe it's the way new information is presented to me. Maybe I need to be told/taught in a specific way to understand things. See I'm big on being organized and a little perfectionist, so I guess the information I receive also has to be not complicated and organized in parts that make sense. Maybe I can understand for the moment, but after a while I don't remember shit.

So partially it is because I just don't have the energy anymore to invest in new knowledge, but also I'm just tired from trying to learn and not being able to.

And to be fair I have nothing in my life that I'm passionate about or that I know everything about... even for hobbies I dont have one. It's crazy cause it may seem that I get bored too easily and that I can't commit, but in actuality I'm great at commitment.

Except that one time I was super obsessed with the UK in high school, I knew the activities there, the map, different locations, geography, etc.

So I guess it is a collection of things that makes me not want to deal with new information, like what am I gonna do, how am I gonna help?! So I guess it's easier this way.

Fun fact: I talked about this with my friend and they actually supported me. I honestly just wanted to be roasted haha.

It's crazy the lengths I would go to just not to be proven wrong. If I'm proven wrong, my whole world shatters (doesn't mean I'm not open-minded or that I don't accept new opinions, but it's easier if they align with my thoughts, especially those of close friends). I don't want to be wrong, because I rationalize everything, I think about everything. I just can't be wrong, because I've already invested all this time just to be proven wrong. I was just trying to get to the bottom of something, I was happy knowing it was the truth and then you realize it's wrong and you've already wasted all this useless time.

[seidenbros]

Can i request a Geralt x fem!Reader Nsfw?

Reader is stealing stuff from rooms in the inn when she stumbles in the witcher's room without realizing but starts snatching stuff anyways until he catches her red handed and that leads to him punishing her (railing her rough basically with spanking and maybe bondage)?

You dont have to do this request if you dont want to as always:)

First of all: Thank you! Second of all... I haven't written that much smut so please bear with me. I thought I knew where I was going with this, but while writing it turned into different direction, but stilll... Not THAT much punishment in the end I think, but there is spanking and a little bondage included I guess. So I hope you enjoy this <3

(I’m always happy to receive requests, so if you want to, send some in. If you need inspiration, here are some prompt lists )

Warnings: smut 18+, minors DNI Word count: 2936

__________________

It wasn't the life you'd imagined when you'd been little. You'd always thought that you would get married, have a happy little family, but that apparently wasn't for you. You were barely twelve when your mother died, your father having abandoned you a long time ago, so it had only been you. Your aunt didn't want to take you in, so you lived on the street for some time. Others might say that you mingled with the wrong people, but they were the ones who provided you with food and shelter. They taught you how to steal without being noticed �� or at least rarely get noticed. There were of course the times when people were hyper-vigilant and caught you red-handed, leaving you two options: start crying and hope for them to take pity on you or run. Running was usually the best option, especially after you'd grown up. People took pity on little girls, but not on grown-up women.

You were so used to stealing, that it had become a habit, a way to provide a life for you. Selling your body might have been an option, but that wasn't for you. Oh, you enjoyed sex, that wasn't the problem, but you rather liked to choose your partner. Stealing might land you behind bars one day, but there was also the thrill of it all. For fifteen years, you'd been perfecting your profession, knew when to leave for the next town or when to leave a tavern, but sometimes, you were a little too reckless for your own good.

You would only stay one more night here and then you'd leave. You'd already paid for your room – because that didn't raise any suspicions – so you were set for the night. Maybe, you should have gotten some food and then gone to bed, but you craved the thrill of stealing, so while most people were in the taverns and inns, enjoying their night, listening to some music, you sneaked into an Inn that you'd been watching most of the day already. It was loud downstarirs, songs were sung, people sang along, getting drunk, so it was no problem for you to get inside and into one of the rooms. Picking locks had never been a problem for you, and in case anyone found you, you could simply play the lost drunk and tell them that you were apparently in the wrong room. What? Oh the door wasn't locked, that was why you'd thought it was your room. Never shy of an explanation.

You were in the third room, your bags already full of valuables, when you noticed that this room was different. There wasn't any jewellery, no coin left beneath the pillow, but some other things. Vials full of potions in a leather bag. You decided to take them as well, because whatever was in them, you could definitely sell them.

When door behind you flew open, you couldn't help the shriek that escaped you lips. Eyes wide in shock, you turned around to look at the person standing there. Fuck. You should have realised whose room this was. You'd seen him around, the famous White Wolf, Geralt of Rivia, had felt his eyes on you, and it had sent excitement through your whole body, just like it did now, but it was also mixed with something else.

“Ahhh sorry, am I in the wrong room again?” You tried, though you knew that he would see right through you, but you were desperate. It wasn't like you could jump right out the window – and he'd probably get to you, before you even reached the window. So, you tried to walk past him, mumbling an apology.

“Oh, I think you're in the right room for what you want to do, sweetheart.” The Witcher's voice was a low rumble in his chest, when he grabbed your wrist and pulled you back, kicking the door shut with his foot.

Sweetheart.

That one word sent a shiver down your spine. Seeing him around had already given you all kinds of thoughts, but being this close to him, the situation potentially dangerous to you, just added to the sensation coursing through your body.

“I don't know what you mean...” You looked up at him, trying to look as innocent as possible, while your heart was beating rapidly in your chest. Play dumb, that's what you'd been taught. “I'm just lost, stumbled in the wrong room.”

“Wrong room, my ass.” He tightened his grip around your wrist, pulling you towards him now so that you were flush against his chest. “What am I gonna find if I look through your bags, hm?” His voice was low, his lips brushing the shell of your ear, that was how close he was to you. You knew deep down that you should try to get away, to get out of his grip and run, but you couldn't. Not when his mere presence sent arousal through your whole body, pooling between your legs.

“Busted,” you simply said, biting your bottom lip. You knew that he wouldn't rat you out and sent you behind bars. There was something else entirely in the air and it made you knees nearly give in. you couldn't remember the last time you'd felt this way, which was why you weren't really afraid, rather excited. “What are you gonna do about it?” you asked breathlessly, hating yourself a little for the way he made you feel, because you were usually so confident, but the way he looked at you, the way the whole room was filled with his presence, did things to you that you couldn't even begin to describe.

“I think someone needs a little punishment. To show you that you shouldn't steal from a Witcher.”

“But what if I scream?”

“I doubt that they'd hear you downstairs.” He pulled back just enough to look into your eyes, his own yes blown wide. His hand came down to clamp sown on your ass, pulling you against him, making you painfully aware of the bulge in his trousers. “And I think the only screaming you'll be doing is from pleasure. I can smell your arousal, woman.”

An involuntary moan escaped your lips, before you pressed your lips together. He was doing things to you and your body with his words already, so you were curious what he would be able to to with his hands, his lips, everything.

He backed you up until your calves hit the bed, but you remained standing.

“Take off your clothes,” he demanded, letting go of your wrist.

“What if I don't?” you asked, feeling cocky for a second, but only until you saw the smirk on his lips that made you shiver in anticipation again.

“Then I'll have to rip them off your body and you'll have to get back to your room with practically no clothes. So what's it gonna be?” Geralt crossed his arms, keeping his eyes firmly on you. Oh, he didn't think that you'd make a run for the door, not when you wanted this as much as he wanted it. He could smell it, hear it in your increased heartbeat, see it in your eyes – and all these things only made him want you even more. He'd seen you a couple of times, had even seen you steal from someone, but that hadn't been his business. But you'd taken up more space in his head than he'd ever admit.

You didn't answer him with words, but instead took off your clothes, your eyes on him all the while, watching his every reaction. You could see him swallow when you exposed your breasts, but he didn't move, simply watched you. Once you were completely naked in front of him, you felt utterly exposed, but one look into his lust-filled eyes made your confidence return to you, because you did that to him.

“On the bed,” he commanded, while he rid himself of his own shirt. You couldn't help but watch him reveal his magnificent body. You didn't mind the scars, they all told different stories and only made him more interesting. “Do I have to repeat myself?”

That made you snap to attention again. Even though you would have liked to look him up and down for a little longer, you turned around and got on the bed, excited to see what would happen next. The sheets beneath your body were cool against your skin, sending goosebumps across your body, making your nipples stiffen.

Geralt was on top of you in a matter of seconds, covering your body with his, and finally, finally crashing his lips to yours. It wasn't a sweet kiss, it was absolutely carnal and you loved it. It was what you needed, what you both apparently needed. You moaned into the kiss, your hands coming up to run through his hair, your fingernails scraping over his neck, digging into his shoulder when he scraped his teeth against your bottom lip.

He let go of your lips with a smirk, but quickly leaned down to press wet kisses along your neck, your collarbone and further down until he reached your right nipple, pulled it into his mouth without warning, making you gasp. Your fingers travelled down his back to his trousers. You needed him to get rid of them, because you wanted all of him, but before you could reach the front of his trousers, he grabbed your hand and pulled it away. Slowly, he sat up between your legs, looking down at you.

“Turn around!”

Your first instinct was to ask him why you should do this, but you thought better of it and followed his instructions. While you were still in your knees and upright, he pulled you back against his chest, the warmth radiating off him, seeping into your own skin. When you felt his lips against your pulse point, you let out a whimper, surprising yourself, but in the next moment, his hand was between your legs. He nudged his leg between your thighs to spread them a little bit further to give him access to your wet folds. His fingers slid between them easily, making him chuckle against your skin.

“You're so wet and ready...” His fingers circled your clit painfully slow, but when he touched out directly, you let out another moan, threw your head back and closed your eyes. Geralt watched your every reaction, especially when he traced his fingers along your entranced and pushed two inside with ease.

“Fuck!” Your fingernails dug into his forearm due to the sheer pleasure of what he was doing to you. You couldn't keep still, though, moved your hips to rub your ass against his groin and fuck yourself on his fingers, but you stopped immediately when he slapped your thigh with his other hand.

“Behave!” the Witcher chastised, his words making you mewl, but you complied, happy when he moved his fingers again, pushing them in and out, getting faster before he added a third finger. The heel of his hand rubbed against your most sensitive spot, bringing you closer and closer to the edge.

“Geralt...” you managed to get out between moans. “I'm gonna...” you couldn't finish your sentence, because the sensation that flooded your body when his hand found your nipple and squeezed it tight, made you curse under your breath.

“Let go... Be a good girl and come for me!”

That sent you over the edge, made you reach your climax, your walls clamping down on his fingers, as you enjoyed every sweet wave of pleasure that wrecked your body. You needed a moment before you could open your eyes again, still breathing heavily. Geralt wrapped his arm around your middle and leaned forward. He grabbed a pillow to put it beneath you, so that you lay comfortably. You needed a moment until you realised what was going on, but he was using his own shirt to tie your hands together and then tie them to the bedpost.

“What...”

“Oh don't think we're done already,” Geralt said with a smug grin on his face. “I told you, you needed a little punishment, though I'm not sure if you'll really consider it a punishment in the end, judging by the way you've acted so far.”

He ran his hands up the backs of your thighs and gave your asscheek a firm slap once he got there. You shivered involuntarily letting out another mewl. You wouldn't admit it out loud, but you did enjoy it, felt tuned on by it, but you were sure that you didn't even have to tell him that, that he already knew. Being in front of him on your knees, hand tied up should make you feel vulnerable, but you didn't. Instead, you felt more aroused than you'd ever felt before.

“You gonna be a good girl?” he asked, and you could hear him take off his trousers. You managed to turn a little bit so that you could look at him, watch him get undressed. He caught your eye once his trousers had dropped to the floor. “Well?” His voice more demanding this time.

“Yes,” you answered breathlessly, shivering again when you saw him approach, feel his weight on the bed. He wrapped his own hand around his dick, giving himself a few firm strokes. Your eyes lingered there for a moment, but then they flickered up. “Fuck me!” you heard yourself say, wanting to feel him inside you.

“Try that again,” he said, his palm smacking down on your ass, harder than before. Instinctively, you tugged on the shirt that was tying your hands up, but you couldn't get them free. Not that you really wanted, the feeling of not being able to get away, not being able to move or even touch him, only making you wetter.

“Fuck me, please!” you corrected yourself.

“Now, was that so hard?” he asked teasingly, gently caressing the spot where he'd just slapped you with his fingers, before he wrapped his hand around your waist. When you felt the tip of his dick against your entrance, you had to resist the urge to move towards him, to finally feel him, but you didn't have to wait long. In one swift move, he pushed inside you until he was buried completely. Your knees buckled at the feeling of pleasure and pain all rolled into one, but Geralt didn't give you a moment to adapt to his length, his girth. His fingers dug into your skin, sure to leave marks for the next day, as he started fucking you, not slowly, not gently, fast and hard thrusts that left you gasping for air. It wasn't what you were used to – it was better.

“Fuck... Geralt...” you managed to get out between moans, not able to stay still anymore, so you rocked your hips back to meet his thrusts. This time, he let you, but he slapped you ass again, because by now he knew how much you liked it, that it enhanced the pleasure for you.

“Such a needy girl... you're taking me so good,” he leaned down and growled the words into your ear, before he started kissing your shoulder. He reached around your body to touch your breasts, to squeeze them making you sigh in pleasure. He felt his own climax approaching quickly, which lead to his hand caressing your stomach only to vanish between your legs to caress the little bundle of nerves.

“Fuck... Fuck... I...” you muttered not able to form complete sentences anymore, but he was probably used to that already. Your second high of the night made your legs tremble, your walls contract around him. This pulled Geralt over the edge as well, his movements more erratic than before as he filled you with his seed. A deep guttural grown left his lips, his grip on your waits tightening, leaving bruises there as well.

For a moment, the room was filled with heavy breathing, panting, as you both came down from your orgasm. Geralt ran his fingertips along your arms, rather gentle in comparison to just moments ago, to untie you, free you from his shirt around your wrists. Soft kisses were pressed against your shoulder before he rose again and pulled out of you. When he got up, though, you were confused for a moment, but when he returned with a cloth to clean you up, you were absolutely stunned. You'd never been with a man who'd cared about that, definitely not someone who had taken care of you. Nobody had bothered, but Geralt. The oh so crude Witcher that you should fear, but if you were honest, you'd never felt better in the presence of a man.

“And you think you punishment will keep me from stealing from a Witcher?” you asked amused, rolling onto your stomach. You put you head in your hands to look at him.

“Maybe, I'll need to punish you a few more times. Can't risk you stealing from the wrong Witcher and getting yourself in real trouble.”

“But what if I like trouble?”

“As long as that trouble is only with me... you won't have to fear anything.”

You'd probably take it as as lesson to not steal from Witchers anymore, except for one. You would always steal from Geralt if it meant that this was going to be your punishment.

[tartagliad]

I- PLEASE- I AM SO SORRY, i accidentally post this and i have to delete it. IM SO SORRY- here's your request anyways, I'm always excited if someone ask beside the four men.. since it's been awhile, oh i added Thoma also, ehe.. have a great day.. ^^''

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Apricity

Summary: just like the request, the reader feel like they dont deserve the love and care they received (if i got the gist correctly..)

Fandom: Genshin Impact

Characters: Venti and Thoma

GN reader!

Genre: Comfort

Warnings: idk tbh..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Venti:

Well this is the God of Freedom himself we're talking about

It's been a long time since he had someone really close to him

So don't be surprise if he always play songs for you after you came back after a long day in work or have a walk with him

Always always greet you with a warm smile of his when you came back to him

You're always felt warm every time he does this

Sometimes you always wonder why would someone like him, I mean, ESPECIALLY- him, the Archon himself would want to be with you

Surely he's the God of Freedom and the Anemo Archon, but.. isn't there someone out there that is much more better than you.. that suited better for him?

These thoughts have been in your head sometimes, not always.. just at certain time and moment

You don't really ask anyone for help or have a lot of friends

Most of the times, you would do things alone

When Venti came into your life, it turns more brighter

He's always there for you and supportive of you

Even the littlest help from him feels too much for you

Simply put like, how can a mere person like you would return a favor to a god

So you asked him, "Venti, why are you treating me so kindly..?"

He tilt his head confused and just said, "Well, isn't that what everyone supposed to do?"

You nodded, "C'mon tell me, what is it this time?" he asked

"it's just.. i dont feel like i deserved it.. plus, you're an archon.. certainly there's other people that deserves this much more than I am.." you explained

Venti just sighed hearing that, "y/n..'' he gently holds your shoulder, "you're a special person to me, no one can change that.. even the celestia above. every person in this world needs a kind treatment.. including you. I'm just doing what I need to do.. so dont think of things like that, I'll help you and be there for you.." he speaks

"do you believe me..?" he ask, you nodded and gently hug him, hiding your face in his neck

You can't really say anything now, it feels too much to form into words, you only nod and thank him

"You always help people including me and put yourself behind the line, even if people didn't say thank you or treat you the same.. allow me to do it.. I'll be the sun to keep you warm in the storm."

Thoma:

Our beloved malewife, who wouldn't agree :)

Hugs? foods? kisses? little gifts when you came back? you name it, he'll do it

Thoma is always been caring and loving for you

When you go out with him, he always treats people the same.. with his usual warm smile and soft yet kind treatment

But for you, he's much more than that

He's a place where you can stay and take some rest and opens his arms to welcome you anytime

Soothes you when you have a rough day and holds you like you're made off glass

Patience is a part of him, so with that, he'll be happy just listen to you ranting about things or people

Whether he gives you an advice or just hug you and soothe you

Sometimes you wonder, will he ever get tired treating you nicely and warm like other people?

You're not complaining tho.. it's just that.. does he really wanted to treat you this way or is it just something to make you feel nice before he pushed you away?

Don't know.. but you just feel uneased, why would people like him would keep someone like you

Thinking about this while you were in bed with his arms around you, just holding you and playing with your hair

Thoma couldn't help but noticed that you're in your mind, "Darling, is there something wrong?"

Surprised, you answered him, "-! u-uh.. yeah.. I'm fine.." you nodded but he isn't convinced at all

"Love" he says while he gently turns you around facing him, sitting you up on his lap, "what did I tell you about keeping it all to yourself?'' he then caresses your cheek

You sighed helplessly and said, "it's not good for me both mentally and physically.." he nodded, "so what is it then?'' tilting his head

"it's just my thought.. d-do you only do this to me just to push me away in the end..?" and his heart sinks

"No.. no I would never do that.. I do it out of love and wanted to make you feel happy." he explains, you nodded.. and kept your silence

"You're everything to me and you felt the same too, right? so it's right to treat you this way. I know you felt wrong because you feel like you didn't deserve anything like this.. but I'm here to tell you that you're a human too, you need these things.. if no one will give you this, then let me.."

Tears then forming in your eyes as he hugs you, hugging him back and cries in his neck..

Thoma soothes you and gently rubs your back, he really do loves you <3

"No matter how harsh the world can be, I'll always be there for you at any times in your life. Allow me to be a shelter to keep you warm from the outside storm"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[attemptsonherlifepdf]

bojack horseman and bo burnham: the art of acting like you’re acting and the comedy of misery

at the core of bojack horseman, raphael bob-waksberg’s 2014 comedy, is a story about the relationship between performance and depression. the protagonist of this renowned tragicomedy is best described as a sympathetic villain; he is shown to clearly be in the wrong across various events of the show, and is explicitly referred to as a bad person, but the audience is granted deep access to his personal struggles, resulting in some portions of the audience finding themselves on bojack’s side. the duality of his character is complex, but can be broken down into some core components, that all stem from the impacts of stardom and performance. the standup comedy of bo burnham arguably echoes this sentiment in real time. having been a performer from a young age, burnham creates work that serves as a satirical commentary on the life of entertainers. he uses original songs to explore the reliance upon and resentment for his performative nature both onstage and within his personal life. both the comedian and the netflix show are widely understood to be thinly veiling their critiques of the entertainment industry behind a particular brand of witty and absurd humour.

both bojack and burnham’s content openly criticises their audiences and explicitly states the manufactured nature of the narrative the audience is fed. in the fifth season of bojack horseman, the show satirises itself by having bojack star in a police procedural drama, parts of which are actively written by other characters to reflect events of bojack’s life. the titular character he plays, philbert, is the epitome of selfish male angst, and an example of what bob-waksberg’s show could have been; another story about a sad and angry man whose guilt supposedly makes up for the people he has hurt. according to bojack, philbert teaches us ‘we’re all terrible, so we’re all okay’, an interpretation that is harshly disputed by diane: ‘that’s not the point of philbert, for guys to watch it and feel okay. i dont want you, or anyone else, justifying their shitty behaviour because of the show.’ this moment is a direct reaction to some of the online reception bojack horseman has received. various circles of the show’s fanbase have found themselves relating to the protagonist to the point of defending his untoward behaviour, a response not intentioned by the show’s creators. this is not the only example of bob-waksberg’s ability to make his work self-evaluative. in season six’s exposure of bojack and sarah lynn’s problematic relationship, characters question their sexual encounter from the first season. the writers use this as a way of examining their own choices, and the harmful tropes they played into when using this exploitative sexual encounter as a gag. this self-evaluative quality is what sets bojack apart as a show that assesses the performance it participates in, much like the comedy of bo burnham.

bo burnham is known for directly addressing his audience, particularly in terms of discouraging idolisation and parasocial relationships. some examples of this manifest as responses to hecklers rather than a planned bit in the show, for instance:

heckler: i love you!

bo: no you don’t

heckler: i love the IDEA of you!

bo: stop participating!

he actively addresses the issues posed by being an entertainer, and encourages the audience to understand and recognise that his onstage persona is just that: an exaggerated persona. not once does burnham claim to be fully authentic onstage, and even moments of authenticity we see in his latest special, inside, are staged. we make the assumption that having the physical setting of a stage stripped away grants us a more personal look at the entertainer’s life, but he makes it clear that even in his own home we still see the aspects he has carefully constructed rather than the full truth. arguably though, parts of the show really are authentic; in his monologue during make happy, bo deconstructs his own show in a way that is similar to bojack horseman’s later seasons, admitting that all he knows is performing and thus making a show about the more mundane and relatable aspects of life would feel ‘incredibly disingenuous.’ in his attempts to separate himself from this onstage persona he actually manages to blur the lines between what is acting and what is now part of his nature as a result of his job. this notion is echoed in bojack horseman as bojack’s attention seeking nature is attributed to his years acting in front of a camera every day.

bo suggests that the era of social media has created a space in which children’s identities mimic that of an entertainer like himself, describing the phenomenon as ‘performer and audience melded together.’ in this observation he criticises the phenomenon. bo attempts to force the audience to recognise the ways in which their lives are becoming shaped by the presence of an audience and to some extent uses his own life as a warning tale against this. he points out the way in which the ‘tortured artist trope’ means that your cries for help or roundabout attempts of addressing mature themes such as substance abuse, mental illness and trauma become part of that on stage persona and therefore become part of the joke. both bo and bojack address these topics in more discrete manners earlier in their careers, but this eventually becomes expected, and thus they are forced to explicitly detail their struggles with these topics in order to be taken seriously. even then, portions of the audience are inclined to see it as part of the persona or as something that fuels the creators creativity and thus does not need to be addressed as a legitimate issue. the emphasis on creating a character or persona promotes the commodification of mental illness: any struggle must be made into a song or a joke or a bit, must be turned into part of the act in order to have value. this actually serves to delegitimise these emotions and create a disconnect between the feeling and the person, as it becomes near impossible to exist without feeling as though you are acting. even when an artist’s cries for help become blatant, they continue to go ignored because now they serve the purpose of creating content that criticises the industry they stem from. online audiences can be seen as treating bo burnham and his insightful work as existing to demonstrate the negative effects entertaining can have, and because this insight is useful or thought-provoking to audiences, he is almost demanded to keep entertaining and creating. in response to this demand, his work becomes more meta and his messages become clearer, and the more obvious his messages, the more people he reaches. this increases audience demands and traps entertainers in a cycle fraught with internal conflict.

during bojack’s second season, bojack’s date asks him, ‘come on, do that bojack thing where you make a big deal and everyone laughs, but at the same time we relate, because you're saying the things polite society won't.’ this moment exemplifies how aspects of his genuine personality have now become a part of his persona and this is demanded of him in genuine and serious situations, undermining the validity of his emotional reactions. he immediately makes a rude comment to the waitress at the restaurant they’re in and satisfies his date by performing that character he has set himself out to be. some circles of the fan base have argued that bojack is written as a depiction of somebody with borderline personality disorder, offering a psychoanalytical lens through which to view this notion of performance. a defining symptom of borderline personality disorder is a fluctuating sense of self; having grown up on camera, being demanded to perform to others as young as six years old, bojack’s sense of self will have been primarily dictated by the need to act.  whether this acting is for the sake of comedy, or as a representation of masking his mental illness, when they need to act is taken away bojack entirely loses his sense of self and relapses into his addictions: ‘i felt like a xerox of a xerox of a person.’ burnham’s depictions of depression run along a similar vein; in his new special he poses the idea that his comedy no longer serves the same personal purpose it once did for him. he questions ‘shit should I be joking at a time like this?’ and satirises the idea that arts have enough value to change or impact the current global issues that we are facing. burnham’s ‘possible ending song’ to his latest special, he asks ‘does anybody want to joke when no-one’s laughing in the background? so this is how it is.’ implicit in this question is the idea that when the audience is taken away and there is nobody to perform his pain to, he is left with his pain. instead of being able to turn his musings and thoughts into a product to sell to the public, he is forced to just think about them in isolation and actually face them, an abrupt and distressing experience.

the value of performance and art is questioned by both bojack and burnham, particularly during the later years of their respective content. burnham’s infamous song, art is dead, appears to be a direct response to the question ‘what is the worth of art?’ he posits that performing is the result of a need for attention (‘my drug’s attention, i am an addict, but i get paid to indulge in my habit’) and repeatedly jokes throughout his career that the entertainment industry receives more respect that it deserves (‘i’m the same as you, im still doing a job or a service, i’m just massively overpaid’). his revelations regarding the inherent desire for attention that runs through all entertainers is frequently satirised in bojack horseman. bojack is comically, hyperbolically attention hungry and self-obsessed, and the show has a running gag in which he uses phrases along the lines of ‘hello, why is nobody paying attention to me, the famous movie star, instead of these other boring people.’ his constant attempts to direct the focus of others towards himself result in bojack feeling like ‘everybody loves you, but nobody likes you.’ his peers buy into his act and adore the comical, exaggerated, laughable aspects of his character, but find very little room to respond to him on a genuinely personal level because of this. interestingly, bojack appears to enjoy catering to his audience and the instant gratification it produces, whereas bo burnham becomes increasingly candid about his mixed feeling towards his audience. ‘i wanna please you, but i wanna stay true to myself, i wanna give you the night out that you deserve, but i wanna say what i think and not care what you think about it.’ he admits to catering to what audiences want from him, but resents both the audience and himself in the process as it reveals to himself which parts of his character are solely for the sake of people watching him.

within bojack horseman, this concept is applicable not only to the protagonist, but to the various forms of performer demonstrated in the plot. towards the show’s end, sarah lynn asks ‘what does being authentic have to do with anything?’ to which herb kazzaz responds, ‘when i finally stopped hiding behind a facade i could be at peace.’ this highlights the fact that because entertainers are demanded to continue the facade, they do not receive the opportunity to find ‘peace.’ this sentiment is scattered throughout the show, through a musical motif, the song ‘don’t stop dancing.’ the song stems from a life lesson bojack imparted to sarah lynn at a young age, and becomes more frequently used as the show progresses and bojack’s situation worsens.

sarah lynn is also used to explore the value of entertainers; in the show’s penultimate episode, she directly compares her work as a pop icon to the charity work of herb, arguing that if she suffered in order to produce her work. it has to mean something. she lists the struggles she faced when on tour: ‘i gave my whole life...my manager leaked my nudes to get more tour dates added, my mom pointed out every carb i ate, it was hell. but it gave millions of fans a show they will never forget and that has to mean something.’ implicit in this notion is the idea that entertainment is the epitome of self-sacrifice. there is a surplus of mentally ill individuals within the industry, largely due to the nature of the industry itself, but some may argue that the cultural grip the industry has, and the vast amounts of respect and money it generates annually, gives the suffering of these prolific individuals meaning.

the juxtaposing responses entertainers feel towards their audiences manifest as two forms of desperation: the desperation to be an individual who is held accountable, and the desperation to be loved and validated. we see both bojack and bo depict how they oscillate between  ‘this is all a lie’ and ‘my affection for my audience is genuine’, or between ‘do not become infatuated with me im a character’ and ‘please fucking love my character i do not know how to be loved on a personal level.’ bojack explicitly asks diane to write a slam piece on him and ‘hold him accountable’, similar to bo’s song ‘problematic’ in which the hook includes the phrase ‘isn’t anybody gonna hold me accountable?’ for his insensitive jokes as a late teenager. their self-awareness is what enables their self-evaluative qualities, but self-awareness is its own issue. bojack grapples with a narcissistic view of his own recognition of his behaviour before settling on a more nuanced, albeit depressing take. originally he makes the assumption that in recognising the negative aspects of himself, he is superior to those who behave similarly: ‘but i know im a piece of shit. that makes me better than all the pieces of shit that don’t know theyre pieces of shit.’ eventually, during his time at rehab he is forced to reconcile with the fact that self awareness does not, to put it bluntly, make you the superior asshole, it just makes you the more miserable one. the show does, however, make a point to recognise how the entertainment industry protects ‘pieces of shit’, prioritising their productive value over how much they deserve to be held accountable, demonstrated using characters like hank hippopoalus. the show itself obviously stems from the entertainment industry, as it is a form of media produced by netflix, one of the most popular streaming platforms available. bojack horseman and bo burnham represent the small corner of the industry that is reflective enough to showcase the damage it inflicts. this is powerful in terms of education and awareness, and urges audiences to question their own motives and versions of performance, but the reflection alone is not powerful enough to help the artists in question. burnham’s candid conversations surrounding his mental health continue to reveal a plethora of issues somewhat caused or sustained by the nature of his career. within bojack horseman, bojack is only able to stop hurting other characters when those characters construct a situation that forces him to face consequence, his introspection alone is not enough. while bojack ends on a message of hope, suggesting to the audience that reverting back to the status quo is not the only acceptable way for events to end, it leaves stinging lessons and social commentary with the audience regarding the unnatural and damaging narrative that performers live through. on a similar but markedly different note, bo burnham’s work and personal progression is playing out in real time, and not in a way that is as raw and genuine as it appears. each bit is planned, even the most vulnerable moments that appear unplanned and painful. his latest special is not entirely devoid of hope, but does translate to audiences as a somewhat exaggerated look around the era of social media and the development of performance, using himself as an example.

the absurdist humour that often acts as a vehicle for poignant statements or emotionally provocative questions is very specific to each media creator. bob-waksberg’s use of puns, tongue twisters and entirely ridiculous circumstances served to simultaneously characterise his points as an expected part of the show’s style of humour, similar to bojack’s emotional instability, but also to make them appear gut-punching in comparison to the humour. burnham’s work is similar in that poignant but blunt statements are often sandwiched between absurd and exaggerated jokes, making them stand out via contrast but not giving the audience too much time to dwell upon them as they are said. performance art is second nature to entertainers, and is presented a an issue that is infiltrating the general population via social media rather than solely affecting the ‘elites’. bojack horseman and bo burnham present the duality of artists simultaneously attempting to level the playing field and increase their chances of survival in the industry, and encourage audiences to know that everyone is bluffing and you’ll never have the right cards anyway.

i.k.b

[bxngchxn]

strawberries and red wine || l. minho (lee know)

this is a fic that I have re-uploaded from my old blog, @ethereal-bang . I’ll be reuploading all of my old works here and deleting my old blog soon. hope you enjoy!

characters: minho x fem reader

wc: 4.8k

genre: SMUT, dilf!minho, some fluff

warnings: slight hard dom themes, unprotected sex (always wear a condom!), oral (male receiving)

THE FIRST OF THE DILF!SKZ SERIES IS FINALLY HERE!!

This contains mature content and is not suitable for anyone under the age of 18.

    　∞༺♥༻✧ ✧༺♥༻∞　　∞༺♥༻✧ ✧༺♥༻∞　　∞༺♥༻✧

“No, Mina what did I tell you we do NOT pull people’s hai- wait, BENJAMIN, where did you get that frog from?!? Let it go!!” You scramble around the classroom as you try and control the chaos that is your 4s classroom. Being the lead teacher in a room full of toddlers is nowhere near easy, but you’ve always had an affinity for kids. It started out with babysitting your cousins on the weekends, then volunteering as a counselor at summer camp. Eventually it led to you, taking early education classes in college and graduating with a degree in Early Childhood Education. Now, you find yourself here, making sure these kids keep the sand IN the sand box, for the third time this week.

No matter how frustrated you got, though, you could never get genuinely angry. They’re just babies, after all. They have no real concept of right and wrong (or object permanence for that matter), therefore their decision making skills are ~slightly~ off. Plus, they look so cute with their innocent, bright smiles and big eyes. How could you not love them?

The day is just about over, and you’re trying to get everything as clean as possible before the kids leave, that way you don’t have to stay too late to finish it all. It’s Friday, and the thought of going home to your quiet apartment for some much needed me time is all you’re thinking about as you wipe down the snack table. You survey the other children to make sure no one is causing trouble, and you smile as you take in the sight of everyone (finally) sitting in their assigned seats, various hobbies distracting them as they wait for their parents to arrive.

You hear a slight crash, and a teeny tiny voice accompany it.

“Shit!”

That single word, coming from such a small mouth catches you off guard. You want to laugh– but you know better than to encourage it. Shocked expression on your face, you walk over to the table where the two girls are playing Jenga. The tower has been knocked down, and you can only assume that the expletive was said by the loser of the game. A sweet little girl, brown hair almost nearing her waist and big eyes that still held stars in them, was looking up at you in confusion. “Now sweetie, where did you learn that word from?” You ask incredulously.

The way she was looking at you screamed innocence, her smile never faltering. “From my daddy! He said it when he dropped the casserole on the ground the other night. But it’s okay! He ordered us a pizza instead!” She says and you can’t help but giggle, while simultaneously making a note to speak to the girl’s father. Kids tend to overshare way too much, and it reminds you of all the crazy things you’ve heard over the years– those poor parents.

Before you know it, the day has ended and it’s time to walk the children outside. Calling your students to form a line at the door, you double check for backpacks and blankies and stuffed animals. Once everyone (and everything) is settled, you lead the children outside to their parents who are standing with open arms, ready to have their babies back with them for the night. The sight is always so endearing, the little ones getting overly excited and jumping into their parents’ arms.

 As you watch everyone begin to leave, you notice a certain brunette toddler waddling up to her father, who scoops her up into his arms and immediately puts her on his shoulders.

She looks like him, the way that his eyes seem to shine reminiscent of the sparkle you get to see in hers every morning. He’s rocking her back and forth as she’s sat atop him, her giggles ringing out through the daycare’s playground and bringing a sense of calm and happiness to the air. Making your way over to the two of them, your breath catches in your throat when you realize the height difference between the two of you. He’s at least a head taller than you, making you feel small as you get his attention. “I’m sorry, Mr. Lee? Would it be okay if I had a word with you for just a moment?” You ask him quietly.

He looks at you, and you can feel your heartbeat skip when a small smile graces his lips. Taking his daughter off of his shoulders, he ushers her over toward another parent, and the child runs off with Kim Seungmin and his daughter, with promises of ice cream from the truck down the road. “Absolutely, is everything okay Ms….?” He says, realizing (embarrassingly) that he’s never gotten your name. “Y/N! My name is Y/N.” You say with a smile, and he nods, wanting to commit your name to memory.

Minho has seen you day in and day out, greeting the kids in the morning at drop off, and bringing them outside to release to their parents. He’s spoken to you maybe once? Maybe twice? He really wasn’t sure, but something about your soft smile and the way you take care of the children is hitting him differently today. He has a mix of curiosity and slight panic running through his system, afraid his daughter had gotten into big trouble. She’s his whole world, and although raising her on his own definitely isn’t easy, it’s just as equally rewarding. She’s just like him, her personality so big and so funny for someone so little.

“Everything is okay! I just wanted to tell you, your daughter did something today…” you started, and you can see the look in his eyes shift from panic to humor as you explain the situation from earlier today. He chuckles a little once you finish speaking, and you’re laughing too. “Ah, oh my goodness I am so sorry…” he trails off. “It’s alright, Mr. Lee, dont wo-” “Minho,” he cuts you off. “You can call me Minho,” he says, and you nod your head in agreement. “It’s okay, Minho. It actually was pretty funny..just be a little more careful around her, okay?” You giggle, and you could’ve sworn you saw his cheeks blush pink.

After that, talking to Minho when he came to pick up his daughter became a daily occurrence. It was never for long, maybe two or three minutes of conversation at a time, but it was something you looked forward to. He seemed so carefree, always coming in with a smile on his face. Each day his little girl runs to him and demands to be put on his shoulders, and he always obliges.

It would be a lie to say you didn’t form some type of crush on the man in question. You would find yourself hiding your smile after every little interaction, and you weren’t sure how to feel about the fact that you fell for him so easily. It had been a long time since you had decided to focus on your love life, so every time you get those butterflies in your chest you’re unsure of how to react.

Minho, on the other hand, is absolutely smitten. He never took this kind of interest in his daughter’s teachers before. He couldn’t explain it, but the feeling he gets when he witnesses his little girl run up to hug you in the mornings as you head to class fills him with a lighthearted emotion. Plus, the more he spoke to you, the more he came to find out that the two of you are fairly similar. He knew that he needed to take you out on a date. It was the only thing he could think about.

Would it be inappropriate? Absolutely. For as long as you were her teacher, there was no way he’d be able to openly express his feelings. So, he waits. He keeps his feelings at bay for the remainder of the year, waiting for summer to come so he can ask you out on an actual date. And when he does, it’s in the most unexpected way possible.

You see, Minho had a plan. Your birthday was coming up soon, and he was going to get you a small gift and a card with some cheesy pick up line, asking you to do him the honor of going to dinner with him. His daughter, however, has a (very unfiltered) mind of her own.

The summer months were in full swing, the heat and humidity taking over the town as people rode their bikes through the streets, and everyone who drove a car with their windows down, music playing at full volume. It was one of your favorite things about summer, you loved seeing everyone enjoying themselves, alongside the nostalgic feeling of freedom that comes with the warmer weather. This is why you decide one Saturday morning to get up early and head to the Farmer’s Market. The big, open air market held fond memories from your childhood, and going there to shop for your groceries became a stress reliever for you ever since you started college. The older women selling produce were the sweetest, always giving you free samples when you came round.

Today was one of those days, the smells of spices and different street foods filling your noose as you looked at some apples at a produce stand. You pick up what seems like the perfect apple. Round, shiny, no bruises anywhere. That is, until you feel a little someone bump into your legs.

The apple falls to the ground when you’re knocked over, and you hear a small, familiar voice give you an apology. It’s almost a shock when you hear Minho’s voice, too, as you turn around. “Oh my god, miss, I am so…Y/N?” He apologizes, stopping in his tracks when he realizes that it’s you who is standing in front of the two of them. “Oh! Minho, hello! And hi there sweetheart! It’s alright, you didn’t hurt me,” you say in a small voice, dropping down to her level so you can meet her eyes. “But I made you drop your apple! I’m really sorry,” she pouts, and your heart absolutely melts at the sweetness. “It’s okay, I can just get another one! Why don’t you help me pick it out, yeah?” You ask, and her eyes light up with their familiar brightness.

She nods her head furiously and you laugh, picking her up when she raises her arms. You hold her on your hip and lean down just enough for her to grab a new apple to put in your bag. On the sidelines, Minho is trying so hard not to die at the sight in front of him. His daughter looks so happy, and so do you, bonding over the differences between the fruits. He just smiles as he watches in the interaction.

“This one looks perfect! Don’t you agree, sweetie?” You ask the little girl, and she giggles and takes it from your hands. “Yeah! Daddy, look at the apple~~” she says, and Minho’s attention is brought back to the girl in your arms. “Y-yes pumpkin, it looks really perfect! Red apples are a lot sweeter than green apples, they’re your favorite right? Why don’t we get some too?” Minho rambles rather quickly, and it makes you laugh as you watch him clumsily put some apples into a produce bag and hand money to the lady working at the register.

Once you also pay for your apples, Minho invites you to come have lunch with the two of them in the picnic area. You can’t bring yourself to tell them no, so you follow them to an area of grass that is filled with families eating, playing and just enjoying the summer weather. You and Minho help his daughter with her lunch, all the while enjoying the time together, as well. It had been a while since you’d seen each other, because the little girl was no longer in your 4’s class. You spent a few hours with the two of them, and when it was time to go, his little girl scrambles into your lap before you can even make a move to get up.

“I figured something out!” She says, proudly. “Yes, dear, what is it?” Minho asks her, and you crane your head to look over at her. “I think daddy likes you, Miss Y/N,” she blurts out. Your cheeks turn pink, and Minho starts stuttering. “W-what makes you think that, love?” You ask her, and she shrugs her head, completely unbothered by the fact that the two of you look like you’ve been caught, even though nothing has happened.

“Well,” she says, determined. “Daddy talks reaaaallyyyy fast when he talks about me, or soonie doongie and dori, because he likes us a lot. And he does the same thing when he talks to you, or talks about you. I just figured that because he talks fast like that, it must mean he really likes you. Because daddy talks reeeaaally fast about you.” She says, and then goes back to eating a strawberry out of the container that Minho brought with him. The blush on your cheeks turns even darker, and Minho’s face isn’t too far behind, either.

“Aaah, I see. You must be really smart to have figured that out, huh?” You ask her as you laugh, trying to make your nervousness go away. Minho has since taken interest in his hands, not being able to look you in the eye. “Well,” you start, getting the girl’s attention. You lean in close, but still far enough away that Minho can hear, too. “I think that I like your daddy just as much,” You “whisper” in her ear. Her eyes go wide, and Minho’s face shoots up from looking at his hands. “Really?!” The girl squeals, and you just smile and pat her head.

“Really.”

The three of you wander the market for a little while longer, before you notice Minho’s daughter getting sleepy. Once she asks Minho to pick her up, he carries her on his back and she’s out cold within two minutes. He laughs at the snoring toddler, and looks down at the ground before he looks at you. “Did you mean it?” he asks, and you feel your heart explode when you look into his eyes. “About liking me, did you really mean it?” He repeats, and you can’t bring yourself to hide the truth anymore. “Mhm, I did mean it.” You say quietly. His smile brightens ten fold, and if he wasn’t hauling a sleeping child on his back, he would’ve taken your hand. “Well in that case, would it be out of pocket to ask you over for dinner this weekend? She’s going to a slumber party at Seungmin’s house, so we can have an actual conversation,” he asks sheepishly.

“I would love that.”

__________

The rest of the week flies by, and you can feel the nerves gathering in your stomach as you arrive at Minho’s house. Walking inside, it’s exactly how you could imagine it to be. It’s cozy, and you can definitely tell that a toddler lives there. Toys are in the living room corner, stacked neatly next to a two story dollhouse. Sippy cups align the kitchen sink, and you see cat shaped sandwich cutters sitting in the dish drainer. The sight makes you smile, as you remember cooing over the cute shapes at lunch time.

Minho looks absolutely stunning, you think to yourself. He’s dressed casually, but his button down shirt makes his shoulders look broad and the way his sleeves are rolled up to his elbows makes your knees feel weak. He greets you with a warm smile and a small hug, leading you into the kitchen. He really pulled out all the stops for this– candles at the center of the dining table, two glasses with red wine sitting next to empty plates as he brings the food to the table. “Wow, this looks amazing,” you tell him as you take a seat across from him, sipping your wine. “Thank you, I really hope you like it,” he laughs.

Dinner goes well, just as you expected it to. The two of you never run out of things to talk about, and the wine is definitely helping the two of you loosen up a little bit. Once dinner is over, you insist that you help with the dishes. Minho tries to decline, but you bump him out of the way with your hip, picking up a towel to dry the clean dishes with. He laughs and mimics the action, except his arm wraps around your waist in an attempt to catch you if you fall over. You feel electricity shoot through you at the action, and you turn to face him as you laugh.

He doesn’t let go, and the look in his eyes has you dropping your towel onto the kitchen counter. The air in the room feels charged, and you can’t help but reach up to wrap your arms around his neck. Everything just felt natural, with him. Like you were supposed to be this way all along. His other hand drops the dish he was holding into the sink, and he decides to wrap it around your waist instead. The feeling of finally being encapsulated in his arms makes the hair on the back of your neck stand up.

The two of you stay like that, for just a moment longer. It’s Minho who breaks the silence first, tightening his hold on you. “Is it..is it okay if I kiss you?” he asks softly. The action is so sweet, you smile as you pull him closer to you. “Please,” you ask, right before his lips crash onto yours. The kiss is soft, slow, everything you could have wanted. His lips still taste like the wine you’ve been drinking, and it makes you want to deepen the kiss. So you do.

Minho feels your tongue at his lips, and he immediately grants you entrance but quickly gains dominance over you. A hand of his moves from your waist up into your hair as he pushes you into the kitchen counter. Your hands roam his body, his broad shoulders and toned arms feeling like heaven under your fingertips. When your hands find his hair, you tug on it slightly and that’s enough to prompt Minho to lift you onto the counter. He’s standing between your legs, his hands falling to your hips once again. He traces light circles into the skin under your sweater as you start trailing kisses down his neck.

“I’ve been waiting so long for this,” you say breathily, and it makes Minho chuckle. “You really want this?” He asks, confirming that it’s okay for him to take it further. “I want all of it.” You say while looking him in the eyes. They darken, and you can tell that you’ve just awoken something inside the man. His hands bunch under your shirt, slowly lifting it up to reveal the royal purple bra that you were wearing. Thanking god that you chose a matching set, you take the initiative to take your sweater off the rest of the way, throwing it on a chair near the table.

Minho wastes no time attacking your neck, biting marks near your collarbone and trailing them down towards your breast. He takes one in his hands, feeling the fabric underneath his hands and relishing in the quiet noises you’re making. His fingers ghost over your nipples, the texture of the fabric bringing you an added sensation. You subconsciously move your hips against his, feeling how hard he is through his jeans. Minho sighs, and the sound is music to your ears. You continue to move your hips against his, and Minho quickly grabs the back of your legs. “Someone’s eager, aren’t they?” he teases, telling you to hold on as he picks you up and takes you in the direction of his bedroom. His lips never leave your neck, at least not until he has you lying comfortably on top of the pillows on his bead. The look in his eyes is almost primal, and it mirrors every feeling that is running through your body in the moment.

You sit up quickly, unbuttoning his shirt slowly as you kiss each inch of exposed skin. Minho helps you as he shrugs his shirt off his shoulders, and you take in the sight of the gorgeous man sitting in front of you. You look down to his jeans and then back into his eyes, as if asking for permission. He grabs your hand and guides it to his belt, and that’s a sure fire sign that you can continue.

You expertly undo his jeans, pulling the zipper down with your teeth in a teasing way. “Fuck, baby,” he says at the sight, and his little praise just spurs you on. You move him to sit on the edge of the bed, and you sink to your knees in front of him as you pull down his jeans. His cock is something to behold– the perfect size, pink and standing at attention. Tempting. You grab the base in your hand, and bring your tongue out to lick at the head. Minho melts into your touch, his fingers going to your hair instantly. You begin slowly, sucking on the head and using your hand to stroke the rest of his cock. It’s taking every ounce of self control from Minho to not fuck into your mouth, wanting to savor the first of hopefully many encounters with you.

You look so gorgeous on your knees for him, looking up at him through your eyelashes as you begin to sink lower onto his cock. He can feel your tongue on the underside of his dick, tracing the vein and making sure to swirl your tongue at his head with each pass you make. If you keep this up, he’s going to cum fast.

“As much as I enjoy the feeling of your pretty little mouth, baby, I don’t want to cum inside it this time.” He says, pulling you back up onto the bed. You feel excitement rise in your chest at the idea of a “next time”. You giggle as he hovers over you, pulling you into another kiss. He can taste you on his tongue, and there’s something so inherently dirty about it that makes him impatient.

He starts working on your jeans, undoing the buttons with ease and sliding them down your legs. He stares at the matching purple underwear that you’re in, and he chuckles darkly. “Seems like someone had something certain on their mind when getting dressed today, huh love?” He teases, tracing slow circles over your clit in a teasing way. “I-I don’t know what you mean,” you say as you try to keep your noises to a minimum. He’s going at a pace that is way too slow for your liking, but you’re not ready to beg for it. At least not yet.

“Hm? Feigning innocence now are we? That’s not very nice of you, baby. Tell me, what were you thinking when you put this on today, hm? Were you thinking that I’d take you like a good girl tonight?” He asks. His eyes never leave yours, and you try your hardest to keep your voice level. “Maybe,” you tease, and his pace quickens for just a moment, just enough to have you keening, but then he returns to the torturously slow pace. “Trying to be a brat, are we? Don’t worry, I can have that attitude fixed in no time,” he warns. You want to test him, see how far he’ll go. “Really? I don’t see you doing anything about it,” you fight back.

Bad idea.

Before you can even blink, your underwear are ripped off and thrown across the room, and Minho’s hand is now around your throat. The sweet feeling of the air leaving your lungs has you dizzy, not able to form coherent words. “Oh? Where’s that mouth of yours now huh?” He says, his tone condescending. His fingers return to your core, but this time his pace is rough and fast. You try to move, but the grip on your neck is tight. “Tell me what you want, love. Use your words,” he says. He decides to loosen his grip to let you speak.

“Please, Minho God just-just fuck me,” you finally speak out, voice shaky as your high is quickly approaching you. “That’s all the permission I need, baby doll.” He laughs as he pulls you closer to him. Reaching down, Minho grabs his cock in his hands and runs the head up and down your labia, teasing you before giving you the real thing. “You’re so wet, this is all for me right? I’m the only one who makes you feel like this?” He asks, knowing that you’re slowly losing your cool.

“Yes! Yes it’s only fo- only for you, Minho please” you beg, and it quickly turns into a moan as he enters you. Your back arches, and a low groan comes from Minho’s throat as he feels how tight you are around him. He stills for a moment, giving you time to adjust, but once you rock your hips into him even a little, he sets off at a steady pace. The feeling is euphoric, he’s stretching you in just the right places and somehow knows exactly how to make you see stars.

He’s panting, and when you whine a quiet “Harder, please,” he loses all control. Slamming into you quickly, he brings his hand back to your throat. “You’re so perfect for me, baby. Jesus. Only for me,” he says over and over again. He’s leaned close to you now, mouth against your ear and you can hear every ounce of praise that comes from his mouth. Your high is approaching, and you clench around Minho when he starts drawing fast circles on your clit once again.

“Minho I- I’m so close, please make me cum,” you moan, and with a certain swivel of his hips he’s hitting a spot that’s making you see stars. “Cum for me then, baby. Let me feel you,” he says, quickening his pace once again, so fast you didn’t think it was possible.

The only sounds in the room are skin slapping and your labored breathing, moans loud as you finally feel the knot in your core tighten and then burst. His name leaves your lips in a long, drawn out whine, and you feel him fill you up not long after your orgasm starts wearing off. He’s panting in your ear, grip tightening around your throat once again as you feel him spill into you.

Riding out both of your highs, Minho’s thrusts slowly come to a stop. The two of you lay there, basking in the glow of the events that just unfolded. You stay like that for a few minutes, and then Minho gets up to run the shower, placing a kiss on your forehead as he leaves the bedroom.

You end up going for another round in the shower, and then straight to bed as the two of you are too worn out to do anything else.

You wake up the next morning in one of his tshirts, and you can smell pancakes being made in the kitchen. You look over and realize that Minho is no longer next to you, and you smile as you hear the radio playing and a sweet voice singing along.

Aware that his daughter could be coming home at any minute, you throw your own jeans on as you walk into the kitchen, Minho’s shirt still falling off your shoulder. Quietly padding behind him, he jumps as you wrap your arms around his waist. “Good morning,” you giggle, and he quickly turns to place a kiss on your cheek. “Good morning to you too, doll.” He says. The name brings back memories of last night and you feel a blush on your cheeks.

You help him finish making pancakes, and when the front door opens, you hear little feet making their way to the kitchen, followed by the sound of Seungmin’s voice. “Hey, Minho I figured I’d stop in and say hi since I’m dropping off your- oh. Hello.” Seungmin says as he sees you at the counter with said man. “Hi,” you say quietly, giggling at his expression.

 “Y/N!!!!!!!!!!” you hear from behind him. You lean over and see Minho’s daughter coming at you full force. You quickly scoop her up into your arms, spinning her around as her bright laugh fills the room. It makes Minho’s heart explode, and he immediately feels embarrassed as he looks over at Seungmin. “I’m not judging, good for you bro.” The younger man says, sticking out his fist for Minho to bump. He laughs, but does it anyway, his attention turning back to your and his daughter.

“Are you here to have breakfast with us?!?! Daddy makes the best pancakes!!” The girl exclaims, and you laugh as you look over to Minho, sharing a secret glance.

“I sure am, sweetheart.”  

   ✧༺♥༻∞　　∞༺♥༻✧ ✧༺♥༻∞　　∞༺♥༻✧ ✧༺♥༻∞　　∞༺♥༻✧

@dom--minnie @sparklemin @minholuvs @hanflix @moonlit-lixie @feliix

[soft4gguk]

hi guys. first off, I want to say I am so, sorry for disappearing all of a sudden. I know that you guys have never demanded an explanation, let alone an apology but I still feel like I kind of need to give both.

I don't want to get too detailed with the specifics of what happened as it's still very painful and feels rather fresh and also involves other people. it happened very suddenly, too, and everything afterwards sort of breezed by. I feel like I've been gone forever when in reality its only been a couple of weeks - they've just felt so heavy and therefore eternal to me. I don't remember much before it all happened, but I do remember I was very happy - in general. my mental health had been at such a low for so long and it was finally picking up. I also remember I was very excited because I was on my way home, rushing to post a new chapter (this was very vivid in my head the following weeks). and then when it happened it all sort of went blank and I isolated myself completely - from my friends and family and all forms of social media and so by default, Tumblr as well. I deleted the app so I was completely tuned out and logging in today it really warmed my heart to see all your messages and sweet words - so thank you. I feel like I don't deserve it but also like I maybe must've done something right to receive that much love. I hope I can reciprocate it, because you guys definitely deserve it. I didn't want this post to come out as dramatic but then again, my life has been kinda dramatic lately so I don't really know how to minimise that feeling. and I'm sorry for the vagueness of my explanation, I'm still processing many things. before everything happened I was so excited for the future of TBAH and for so many other things I want to write for this blog and just in general and I'm starting to feel that excitement again so bare with me as my spark comes back to me. I love this story and I love sharing my writing with you guys so I'm not going anywhere. for the past few weeks, I felt a lot of resentment over the things I love because of how wrong it felt to be happy but it's getting very tiring to do that so I want to come back and be happy again in general. I'm going to post chapter 11 now and I truly hope you guys enjoy. I'll keep you updated about new chapters and other writings! thank you for sticking by me and welcome if you recently followed me <3

also! I received a lot of asks in my time gone and I just briefly skimmed through them for any taglist requests but I will make sure to read every single one and reply (I'll probably tag them under mass answered so I dont spam your timelines) but thank you for the love and for reaching out. I love you guys sm.

also! I'm not completely out of the loop with bts content as stan twitter was sort of my only safe haven - in fact, I think I've consumed more bts than I have in my life lol they've been great comfort and helped me heal. so I've seen it all... I watched in the soop 2 ep. 1 way too many times to keep track. Jeon Bam, thank u for the serotonin, it was greatly needed.

anyways, if you made it this far thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy chapter 11. it's a long one and made me very happy to write back when I did <3

xx