#i am going to EMAIL ABOUT MY INTERVIEW
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guys once i get home im about to lock the fuck in like no one has ever seen before
#personal#i am going to FINISH MY ASSIGNMENTS#i am going to MAKE THE OPTIONAL VIDEO#WRITE LETTERS OF CONTINUED INTEREST#MEET WITH MY COUNSSLOR#i am going to HIT THE GROUND RUNNING SECOND SEMESTER#i am going to be SMART#i am going to EMAIL ABOUT MY INTERVIEW#i am going to GET MY ADDITIONAL LETTER OF REC#i am going to FINISH MY APPLICATIONS
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sitting in the parking lot thinking i might vom
#it's a chain place and ive been on the other side of places like this#(i wasnt an interviewer but i was friends with them)#and there at least people would show up late + in sweats for the interview and they'd get it!#they would show up with 'oh yeah interview today almost forgot' and they'd get it!#meanwhile im having a breakdown trying to do everything right and perfect#making sure i look nice but not too nice bc again its a chain fast food place and i cant try Too Hard#also these pants dont have belt loops and they tend to shift#AND my right hand is swollen from the wasp sting yesterday so im worried its gonna be 'wtf is wrong with you'#but also shouldn't it say something that im here anyway even though i could have rescheduled#but then its like... im not gonna kill myself for this place like i did at mcd and does it give that impression?#or should i have rescheduled bc they'll think it's bad decision making to come anyway with my hand swollen#also worried that i should have parked nearby and come over closer to the time bc am i the freak sitting in the parking lot#but at least im early! but am i too early? but im out here not rushing them. but should i be so they know I Am Interested#not to even mention wtf im gonna say to them to explain my employment gap#and im so paranoid that im gonna go in and say im there for an interview and they're gonna be like ???#bc it was through an automatic text/email thing when i applied#which was how my last job happened but idk. maybe im an idiot and it's all fake so they can point and laugh#and i KNOW thats ridiculous. but that's how it feels rn.#also im worried they'll ask if i want something to eat/drink and i dont know the right answer#like i feel like i should say yes bc what do you mean you wont eat here? but the wrong thing means im taking advantage#and how will i be if im actually working there?#and its all so dumb bc#AGAIN people roll out of bed confident and they're fine. meander their way through and theyre fine. theres no reason to think i wont be#but ANXIETY#its gonna be an out of body experience no matter what and later I'll wonder about all the things i dont remember#if i fucked up or not#and now i have to go in bc it's 7 minutes until my time and i want to be a little early but not too much#fuck#wish me luck#ks talks
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guys… i got an interview!! 🎉🎉🎉🎉
#i’m !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i submitted my application OVER A MONTH AGO#i’ve been planning for getting this job for over a year#i am SO relieved it’s UNREAL…#additionally i don’t wanna be TOO hopeful but there were only two other candidates who the email was sent to#and there are three positions available…#SO !!!!!!!!!#maybe this is mainly a formality??#not that i’m not still going to make sure i do well#but like. hhhhhhhhhhhh#i feel GOOD about it!!!!!#interview is a WEEK from today#(actually a week from yesterday now)#(i’m going to SLEEP!!!!! goodbye!!)
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i have 2 interviews on monday so im gonna try to just eat so much tomorrow that i literally die
#one is the one from today that i did in fact reschedule bc tbh i don’t want that job and i was so not ready for the interview#bc from the phone interview last week the recruiter was like yeah you’re gonna want to know like the history of the company for the next#interview and reallllly have good star answers and i was like lol ok just kill me#so i wasnt ready and that’s fine now it’s on monday BUT today i got an email for another phone interview from a job that i reeeeeeally want#actually it’s like exactly what i do now but actual hourly pay and benefits which is all i’m looking for#AND it’s 100% remote anywhere whereas the first one which is the finance job that i know nothing about#finance but they have an office in the city i used to live in which is like idk 45 minutes away and is also the city i’m planning to#move back to anyway once i can get the fuck out from under my familys roof#but training is 7 months in office so if i get tht i absolutely have to move bc i will not be driving that for 7 months but if i move it’s#whatever but anyways the second job which is for copy editing which my ultimate goal anyway is to be an editor so this would be sooo good#and such good experience for me and my resume!!! and it’s 100% remote like i said and NO PHONES#the other job is a complete customer service job but i need all these finra licenses and shit and i’m like ok. how am i even supposed to#pass those anyway#but anyways. it’s obvious which job i want but i’m going to go to both interviews just to keep my options open bc i can’t be stupid about#this bc now that student debt forgiveness is completely off the table. lol forever. i’m going to have to start paying that#so anyways. my life is so stressful rn but at least things are starting to come together at least in the job department#well hopefully anyway like watch me get rejected for both 💀
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they rejected my application :(
#i mean i knew that they were going to. i literally do not have the degree they want#but sometimes it feels as if people in this field don't take me seriously because im young lol#like they assume that my experience just Does Not Apply because im not in my 40s#its fine. i never told anyone irl i applied for the job so i don't have to worry about that (ty past me) (i almost said it like 10 times)#when the time comes for me to REALLY start job hunting ill start taking rejections more personally but this was a good experience i think#them giving me a rejection at all and not just ghosting me was actually a huge relief tbh#am i supposed to respond to the rejection email? i guess i will?#dont burn your bridges etc#it feels a little weird saying ty for the opportunity when they didn't even interview me#but this whole corporate bullshit is just empty tradition at this point so whatever#anyway the GOOD news is that my really big name reference told my current boss (as a joke but still) that he wanted to steal me from her#he works for the state which would be an INCREDIBLE opportunity if he was in any way serious#so when the time comes ill be casually mentioning to him that im job hunting and we'll see where it goes#literally every conference ive been to people know his name and ask where he is so im hoping he will have enough pull to let a fresh grad in#two different people (both also rather big names in the field) have told me that he thinks really highly of me#and while working with him was a little bit like pulling teeth i don't really have the option to be choosy rn lol#anyways. im disappointed but not surprised#it was a remote position too :( oh well
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can recruiters stop ghosting me for FIVE FUCKING MINUTES
#the stress i would NOT be feeling rn if people just fucking let me know what was going on haunts me#i feel like if i've done an 8 hour assignment as a part of the interview process im like entitled to know whether you guys liked it????#am i fucking delusional for thinking that???? that maybe radio silence for 2 weeks is kid of rude??? no response to my follow up emails????#the fucking literature clock quote i randomly checked was about a bride who got stood up at her own wedding#girl same
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I don't actually really want to progress in my career right now - I'd be happy to stay with my current level of responsibility and focus more on pursuits outside of work - but unfortunately I live in a capitalist hellscape run by sadistics fucknut morons who are intentionally making life enormously worse for everyone but themselves soooooo guess who is going to be in a state of total panic trying to prep for an interview on thursday!!!!
#i'm going to be sick#i hate you interviews#i hate you interview projects with extremely unclear briefs#actually ykw i just hate you work in general#i hate spending 8 hours per day hunched over spreadsheets and stupid emails#for not even enough money to consistently heat my tiny shitty apartment#let alone. you know. live any kind of life#especially because i live alone so can't split costs with anyone#meanwhile coworkers with that benefit are talking about where they want to go on vacation this year#and i'm just sitting there trying not to cry and/or scream#literally what is even the point#what is the point#what am i even trying for#i hate this i hate this i hate this
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.
#Getting a call about someone wanting to schedule an interview with me#But not calling them back#Becuase he said he'd email me about it too#So now I'm waiting for the email like the 'anxious millennial who's scared of phone calls' that I am#And like I don't even want this job#I just applied for it because my mom told me too#And they call me back?????#I'm going to throw up
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put in for a job transfer, potentially falsifying a screening question but i asked some friends in the job already and they said try it anyway. worst case scenario i get rejected again
#i really want to leave my current job ;_;#the one i put in for pays more#but the question i'm worried about is how much experience do you have in this or a similar job#i put the equivalent of how long i've been working here#i am going to explain i wasn't sure how to answer that if i do get interviewed#and by worst case i mean i don't even get contacted for an interview and they just send me an email saying no
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.
#I applied for this position as an accessibility coordinator for the co-op org I’m in and had my interview today and then later got an email#saying that I didn’t get the position#and like. I knew it was a long shot. there’s a ton of social politics you have to play that people pretend don’t exist#and I’ve only been part of the co-op org since the start of this year so I have less experience with this particular framework#but I also know that I could do that job really really well#and I think that part of the reason I didn’t get the position was because I didn’t have a ton of experience with the co-ops#part of it was them asking ‘one’ question that was actually multiple questions about one topic#(this was every question that was asked. the most amount of questions per ‘question’ was 4)#so I got overwhelmed and couldn’t articulate myself well#and part of it is that I don’t play the social politics game well#I’m pretty sure one of the current accessibility coordinators doesn’t like me#in my co-op I am outspoken and hang out with other people who are outspoken#and that means that a certain section of the co-op doesn’t like me#also as a co-op level accessibility coordinator we have meetings every week with all the other AccessCos from the other co-ops and at the#very first one I pointed out how the location that they chose for it was inaccessible to me and I had to get someone to drive me there#lots of silence after that comment. and when one of the current people in the position I applied for mentioned the meeting location at the#next meeting (which had been moved) she made it sound like it was a preference? and was just very underhandedly rude about it?#and I’m pretty sure that AccessCo doesn’t like me and that’s going to impact things because she’s part of the committee#but I’m also not going to sit back and essentially have to rely on someone to drive me to a meeting because they chose to hold it just a few#blocks further away than I can confidently walk round-trip#but that was definitely a point against me in her book
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Since July (when the business I work for got acquired by a larger company) I've been doing a LOT more work and have been under a lot more stress and have been a lot more tired.
I have also said the words "I'm severely underpaid and we need to fix this" to at least three people from the c-suite and have been assured that nobody has forgotten that and that's on the agenda.
It's great that that's on the agenda but I keep having to choose between buying a mattress that doesn't hurt and paying power bills and it has been five months. (I got paid about a thousand dollars for a side project recently so this is no longer a choice that has me over a barrel but also it's not a choice I should have been struggling with given the size of the company I'm now working for and my tremendously increased workload)
All of which is background for the fact that I am applying for jobs and have been spending an unconscionable amount of time on LinkedIn (which is, like, eighty times more soul-crushing than I had realized; it is fucking grim on that website).
Because applying for jobs is a nightmare and because it is totally normal to apply for approximately a million jobs before you hear back from one, I have made up a tiny, miserable RPG to play to track my applications and I figure every time I "die" in the game I'll do something nice for myself like burn a vacation day or get takeout.
Anyway, here are the rules for playing Labor Quest:
Player starts with 100 HP; interactions with the Job Board determine player health over time.
Applying for a position: +1hp
Response: (call or email): +2hp
Interview: +10hp
Rejection: -10hp
Ghosting (1 month silence): -2hp
You die when you get to 0 points.
I'm playing very slowly because I do at least have a stable job with benefits so I'm not putting in more than a few applications a week and I'm currently at a score of 93. I've been ghosted by a landscaping company that was looking for a receptionist (and that I had to do an indeed skills test for to apply) and rejected by an extremely scammy ghostwriting company that I mostly replied to just to see what would happen (it's the writing company from the Dan Olsen "Contreprenuers" video). I suspect that I'm going to lose a lot of HP through ghostings in the coming week (I only wrote this out as a game in October so I haven't been tracking ghostings more than a month).
I'm considering adding modifiers like "reconfiguring entire resume for one submission," "taking skills tests," and "writing a goddamned cover letter," "spending > 1hr on LinkedIn in a 24hr period" that would also impact player HP.
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Training for Two
Chapter 2. Rules
Masterlist
Summary: Simon lays the ground rules and shows you around the house.
Warnings: Simon's email etiquette, very mild cursing, beginnings of obsessive behavior.
Sure enough, Simon had emailed you by Tuesday afternoon. You noticed how... unprofessional it was. Not that he had been rude or obscene, but it was obviously written by someone who never had to write many emails for his career.
here is riley's routine. she likes walks, usually 3 or 4 a day. she eats one scoop in the morning and one at night. she doesn't finish her food all at once, but she'll come back to it. if you're gonna give her more cookies, just two per day. fill water every morning. around the house, if you could just dust and clean up any dog hair, that would be great. let me know if meeting me tomorrow at 0900 for the key works. I ship out thursday. thanks.
Simon.
You chewed your thumb nail, reclining on your couch with a confused expression. Was he irritated with you for some reason? He didn't show it at the interview if he did have any hostile feelings... you reminded yourself that he was a rather gruff man, and maybe that just bled into his written words, too. You rolled your shoulders and started working out your reply.
Hello Simon! Tomorrow works perfect for me, I'll be there by 9 am!
Does Riley have any favorite places she likes to go? Any particular spots or trails she enjoys? Also, are there any rules you have for her, like being on the couch? Is she ok going to the dog park? Lastly, does she take any medications I should be aware of?
See you soon!
You sent the message, sighing and dropping your head back against the arm of the sofa. You were honestly thankful that you'd gotten the job, even if Simon was a rather stiff client. You finally quit your shitty job, and while you did still have babysitting your niece and nephew, you never charged for that - the only time you were "paid" for it was when you took them out somewhere fun, and your sister forced you to accept money for the admission fee.
So this gig fell into your lap at the perfect time. And the fact that you had beat every other person Simon had interviewed made your ego soar. It wouldn't be a bad idea to make a career out of this, you thought.
Your phone dinged - you held it above your face, and saw that Simon had already responded. You sat upright and opened the email.
she only takes aspirin when her leg flares up. no more than twice a day. no favorite trails, we just go around the block a few times. she can sit on the couch, my bed too, but she'll need help getting up. no human food is the only other rule. never took her to a dog park, but if you really want to, that's fine. she's good with other dogs.
Simon.
You frowned. Walking the same block every day, multiple times each day, sounded awful. It wasn't even close to animal neglect, but you couldn't imagine walking the same route every single time. If it didn't drive Riley insane, it certainly would for you.
You read back over the email, your eyes lingering on "if her legs flare up." Simon had never discussed Riley having arthritis with you - and you sincerely hoped that was the reason she had leg pain, and nothing else. You made a mental note to ask him about it tomorrow as you began to write your reply.
Understood. Thanks again!
"Here's the basement." Simon said, leading you down the stairs and into a dullish room. It had a cheaply-manufactured desk, what appeared to be a dining chair (not matching the dining set upstairs), a stuffed bookshelf, and some cardboard boxes filled with paper. A fan stood in the far corner, and next to it was the washing room. Much like what he had shown you of the rest of the house, it was bland and drab.
You looked around, letting out a polite noise of approval. Truth be told, Simon's life seemed awfully boring to you. Your mother had always told you that military men were always overly practical, in more than just home decor. They never cared much for the environment around them, as long as there was no mold, or anything similar. But you had never expected it to be so brutally true.
You knew he had a life outside of his home - from the way he described it, he was usually deployed more often than he was in his own home country. But you wondered - what did he do for fun, besides watch the telly? Did he have friends, and were they all like him? Any hobbies?
"If for whatever reason y' need to clean up a stain, you can find solution in there." He said, pointing to the washer room. "Other than that, nothin' much to see down 'ere."
You followed him as he trudged back up the stairs. Riley was sat upright on the floor, watching you and Simon move about the house with an observant expression.
"The only other things I'll ask you to do is hoover n' dust when it looks like it needs it." He said, leaning against the kitchen counter. "There really isn't much else t' do; of course, if you do see anything that needs fixin' you can always text me." He rolled his head from side to side, wincing as he worked out a crick in his neck. "Might not answer immediately, but I'll see it."
You nodded, standing in the walkway of the kitchen. Even with him leaning against the counter, muscles hidden under his sweatshirt, he was huge. For a brief moment, you imagined what he looked like on the field, dressed in his uniform and holding a gun - but you quickly shooed the thought from your mind before it had the chance to latch on and fester. "Gotcha. And just so I know, do you let Riley sleep with you?"
Simon paused in confusion before he responded. "Come again?"
"Like- you know, if I crash on the couch, is she allowed up with me?" You said, shifting your weight. You couldn't quite tell if Simon was irked by your question, or if he was genuinely confused.
He paused again. "Uh, yea, that's fine. If y' don't mind waking up covered in 'er slobber."
You laughed. "Nah, I'm used to it. A little drool never bothered me. Although, if I do need to wash up, am I alright to use the shower? Or would you rather I use my own back at my flat?"
Suddenly, it clicked in Simon's head. You were planning on sleeping at his house.
He had assumed you would just stop by for walks and meals - he didn't expect you to actually live here while he was gone, and he wasn't sure how it made him feel. He'd never had anyone else spend the night. Hell, no one ever visited, besides the rare occasions of the rest of the 141 stopping by. Even then, they never stayed for longer than a conversation or two.
But, once he took a second to think about it, he realized it might be better if you did stay - at least, while he was on missions. Riley would be bored out of her mind if she was alone that long, especially after spending the past several weeks with Simon constantly there. It would be good for someone to be there when he wasn't, and you seemed like you would be the best person for that, of course.
"Sure, 's fine." He said, rubbing the back of his head. "Just don't touch my shit in there."
"Don't worry about that..." You said quietly, "catch me dead and cold before I touch a 3-in-1 anything."
He chuckled and rolled his eyes. It was refreshing that you could handle his gruffness - most people treated him like a landmine, never wanting to say the wrong thing and set him off. You seemed to have taken life by the horns, like you weren't afraid to bite back at someone. He wondered if that was all for show, or if you really would snap back if he was to test you...
He pushed himself off the counter and reached into the drawer behind him, pulling out a spare key. He walked over to you and held it out. You were just about to take it, when he suddenly yanked it back.
You faltered. "Sorry...?"
"You lose this key..." Simon began lowly, "n' I'll frame you for murder. Understood?"
You gaped, mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water. He didn't really mean that... did he? You waited for him to laugh and say he was just joking... but he never did. His eyes bored into yours so intensely, making you shiver, as he waited for you to answer.
"Y-yes, sir. Understood." You said, voice wavering a bit.
He grunted in satisfaction, then handed you the key. You let out the breath you had been holding, then cautiously took the key, before immediately attaching it to your lanyard. You didn't want to take any chances at losing it - not after Simon's threat. You took a deep breath and smiled at him, trying to dust the exchange off of your shoulders.
"You can come 'round tomorrow after o' nine hundred, I'll be out by then." He said, turning sideways to moce past you and heading towards the door. You followed behind and rubbed Riley's head when you passed her; she let out a contented sound.
"Feel free t' use the kitchen if you'll be stayin' overnight." He opened the door for you and leaned against it.
"Will do, thank you!" You chirped, hovering on the landing outside of his house, right were you were two days ago. "Thank you for showing me around - good luck on your- mission- deployment, thingamajig!"
He huffed. "Promise I will, luv."
Your spine tingled in response to his comment. Get it together, don't get your knickers in a twist over a client. You thought. You straightened your posture and cleared your throat.
"Well, see you around!" You said with a smile, then hopped down the steps to your car.
Simon waved, taking a moment to watch you pull out of his driveway. He shut the door and leaned back against it, exhaling slowly through his nostrils.
He was an observant man - he had to be, with his occupation. Your reaction to being called "luv" didn't fly over his head. And it's not like Simon didn't know the effect he had on women... he knew how he looked, how he presented himself, and he saw the reactions it got him.
But with you, something felt different. He saw your reaction, and a part of him wanted to chase after it. To see what you would do if he continued to apply pressure to your weak spots. Would you blush? Would you call him out? Would you drop the gig altogether?
He thought about how easily the word "sir" had rolled off of your tongue. He thought about how you would look, all tuckered out on his couch, donned in whatever pajamas you decided to wear, your face peaceful and expression soft as you slept - he imagined you in his shower, the room filled with warm steam and the scent of your shampoo, water hitting your skin as you-
Riley barked, making Simon jolt where he stood. She stared at him, ears turned to the side as she whined. She could always tell when he began to dissociate, and knew just as much as he did that it wasn't a good sign.
Simon sighed, running a hand down his face. "Get it together, fuckin' creep." He muttered to himself. "I need a bloody hobby, f' Christ's sake..."
He blamed it on the upcoming mission. He would typically stress about it beforehand, and if there was anything else that could occupy his mind, he would fixate on it. Right now, unfortunately, you were the victim. But he buried it deep down into his subconscious - it wasn't fair to you.
He pushed himself off of the door and headed towards the washroom, adjusting his crotch as he went. He figured he should at least tidy it up a bit, since you would be using it. The only other people who had been in there were Johnny and Captain Price, and of course, they never cared if there were trimmers on the counter, or if the mirror had splotches from toothpaste residue.
Hopefully, he'd forget all about you - at least, while he was on the mission.
Next ->
Taglist: @my-queen-rhaenyra-targaryen @jisungswiftie @sweet-tooth4you @kennyis-aloser @hyyyxr @lahniu @dory-98 @naradae
#simon ghost riley x reader#simon riley#simon riley x reader#ghost x reader#ghost#simon riley x reader smut#ghost x reader smut#ghost smut#simon riley smut#simon ghost riley#simon ghost riley smut#cod fanfiction#cod mw3#cod mw2#call of duty#cod#cod x reader
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It's Not My Fault You're like In love with me or something | Charles Leclerc
SUMMARY: Y/n L/n new movie is opening new opportunities for her which means she has to do interviews were people can see her "lack of media training" and they start to doubt her relationship with Charles FACE CLAIM: Reneé Rapp pairings: Actress! Reader x Charles Leclerc a/n: I actually enjoyed the new mean girls movie and I am deeply in lov3 with reneé so here you guys go!
via twitter
y/nupdates via instagram
liked by username101, username23, yourusername and 1,390 others.
y/nupdates y/n leaving the after party after taking a tumble
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username19 now I know why Charles been mia she's literally making a fool out of herself
username123 mother
username12 ngl she ate with that fit
yourusername still can't believe that a fan account is the one that is exposing me
landonorris thanking the gods that the internet and Digital footprints is real
y/n via instagram
liked by danielricciardo, pierregasly, carlossainz55 and 1,903,290 others
yourusername cast party baby! No one got hurt in the making of these pics
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username120 okay? but Charles wasn't there?
username19 The paps pictures literally put you on blast
pierregasly I think the moment you took that picture with the champagne was the perfect moment to stop drinking
→ yourusername just looking for the person who asked
username15 the girls are fighting. Please @charles_leclerc come get your girl
→ yourusername Come get your girl @pierregasly
francisca.cgomes you look so so beautiful
username192 Charles not commenting freaks me out
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yourusername via instagram
liked by landonorris, oliviarodrigo, arthur_leclerc and 2,302,290 others.
yourusername mean girls out in theaters now!
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username21 what? girl after that interview I would've turned the comments off
username12 don't you have media training or something
username19 her pr manager has to work harder than the mclaren one
username160 Mother
username12 it's so hard that the f1 fandom doesn't understand her humor
landonorris since my job isn't that hard Im taking a part time. What do we think about acting
→ yourusername I can send you an email. there an open cast call for dicks
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yourusername via insta stories charles_leclerc via insta stories
yourusername via instagram
liked by landonorris, oliviarodrigo, charles_leclerc and 2,292,220 others.
yourusername her lack of media training is outrageous
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username190 girlie I'm so glad you are self aware about how iconic you are
username12 the girls who get it get it
username14 pls the caption
username280 her lack of media training is what makes y/n y/n
username189 her lack of media training is why we love her
username18 I'm tired of people saying that when it's literally you being yourself. Has no one ever seen her broadway videos?
username19 People saying that Charles can't stand her? hello read the room
username159 exactly! they forget that Charles knows she's like this and that why he loves her so much.
→ username1821 your parasocial relationship is insane
charles_leclerc via insta
liked by landonorris, yourusername, arthur_leclerc and 1,893,356 others.
charles_leclerc on wednesday I wear pink with the girl clumsy girl I feel in love with
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yourusername love you charlie
landonorris the movie wasn't half bad
arthur_leclerc stream sexy
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Y/n turned to face Charles with a small smile adorning her lips. He mimicked her actions as he placed his phone in between the two of them. His hand slowly reached towards her face pushing the hair away to get a better look of her eyes.
“You don’t mind then?” Y/n asked softly her eyes never leaving his to notice if there was any sort of discomfort. He shook his head no, not breaking eye contact.
“What leaves me surprised is the fact that you think it would bother me. I know you already, I’m aware that sometimes people don’t get your humor but I’ve been long enough with you to understand it” He said slowly pecking your lips to calm you down. You let out a chuckle as you played with his hair.
“Actually, I was worried that you would have to worry about me beating your ass in F1” Y/n said, throwing her head back laughing. Charles playfully rolled his eyes pushing her shoulder softly, accidentally knocking her off the bed.
“Shit sorry!” he quickly got off the bed helping her off “but, you don’t even have your license, so I think you should stick to broadway”
#charles leclerc one shot#charles leclerc fic#charles leclerc x reader#charles lecrerc#charles leclerc imagine#mean girls#mean girls the musical#regina george#renee rapp#mean girls 2024#f1 x you#f1 x reader#f1 imagine#f1 fic#f1 fanfic#Charles Leclerc smau#f1 social media au#social media au#ferrari#charles leclerc#charles leclerc x you#charles leclerc fanfic#scuderia ferrari#f1 2023#formula 1
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birth of venus sex on fire chapter twelve
these two mean the world to me. thank you for coming on this journey with them. i hope you enjoy.
pairing: ceo!joel x fem!reader
summary: if you love something, you let it go.
warnings: age gap (reader is late 20s, joel late 40s), workplace relationship, imbalance of power dynamic, alcohol consumption, lurve, fingering, masturbation, cum eating, oral (m receiving), unprotected piv, creampie, size kink, daddy kink, praise kink, cursing, some angst, soft!joel, cocky!joel (we missed him!)
word count: 12.6k
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“Alright, let’s get into it.”
He sits on the other side of the table, legs crossed and balancing the notebook on his knee. Twirls a pen around his thumb, catching it without looking. He’s too busy scanning the page in front of him, the list of questions he’s about to drill you on.
Let’s get into it, he says, and then stares silently at the scribbled lines.
Your shadow splits a shard of sunlight across the office. Knee jerking, palms clammy and fingers twisting around each other. You glance down at your outfit – the pointed heels Martha swore went with your dress, the jewelry she promised didn’t look tacky – and straighten your skirt.
Let’s get fucking into it.
“What are your responsibilities in your current role?” he asks.
You swallow. It feels like sandpaper. “Well, uh…”
He doesn’t look up. Not to ask the question, not to wait for your answer. Just stares down, spins the pen, bites his lip until it turns white.
Focused. Razor sharp. You’re not even in the same room.
You turn on your heel and begin pacing. “I manage my boss’s schedule, from nine a.m. Monday to nine p.m. Sunday. I get everything in order, plan out his days, make any bookings. I take calls, I answer emails, I…”
He’s still not looking. He bounces his foot, leather shoes catching the sun. His watch face leers back at you. There’s not a mark of ink on the paper in front of him.
“Hey,” you click your fingers, “Are you even listening to me?”
Joel shakes the frown from his face. “Huh? Oh,” he clears his throat, straightens in his creaky chair, “Yeah, I’m listenin’. I’m…I’m here.”
“Come on, man,” you huff, “You said you’d help me out.”
“And I am. I’m helping you out.”
You glower. “What did I just say?”
His shoulders wriggle. “You know…paperwork, and…Is this –? Is this really what they’re going to ask?”
“I don’t know,” you groan, collapsing into the couch opposite. Your arms cross, like some crumpled tantrum of a woman. “I found it online. They’re all art director questions, supposedly.”
He turns the notebook around. The first sheet flops over.
“Describe yourself in three words,” Joel recites.
“I was gonna go creative,” you count on your fingers, “driven, and then I couldn’t decide between perceptive or observant.”
He squints, tongue clicking against his teeth. He stares at your raised fingers. Thoroughly unimpressed.
“Right,” he stands, “Yeah, I don’t know, kid. A company like this, taking on a new art director, and this is what you think they got waitin’ for you? I mean, what’d I ask you?”
You scoff, twisting to watch him cross over to the window.
Between the sun and your deflated spirit, he stands like some kind of god. High up on the top floor of his skyscraper, towering over the streets. Towering over you.
He’s haloed by the blazing sun. Light arrowing from behind, spilling all over his wide shoulders and dipping in every fold and crease of cashmere. The northern compass point, the magnetic pull turning everything towards him.
Joel’s fingers snap, a hair away from your nose. “Tip number one: don’t stare at the interviewer like that. Asked you a question.”
“Wasn’t staring,” you mumble, shifting when he sinks down at your side. “You really don’t remember what you asked me?”
“Of course I do. I’m asking if you do.” He fiddles with a thread on the couch at your back.
You straighten as though his hand might be iron hot. “I remember…remember you asking what success looked like to me.”
Joel nods once.
“Remember you asking why I wanted out of my old job.”
“Yep.”
You flick a finger around the office. “I remember you asking what I’d change in here. How I’d make the office better. But I don’t know what interior design has to do with being an art director, Joel.”
He smiles. “This,” he shakes the pad, “is generic bullshit.”
“Generic bullshit,” you echo, pinching it from his grasp. You read over the bullet points – your strengths, your weaknesses, how you do under pressure.
“Yes,” Joel says. “Doesn’t tell ‘em a thing about you. Well,” his eyes widen, “I guess it tells them you tried searching their damn questions, the morning of the interview.”
A small, tired sigh falls from your lips. You melt back into the couch, horizontal under Joel’s extended arm. “I just want to be prepared,” you whisper. “I want to be the best person they meet.”
“What makes you think you ain’t already?”
“Well, for starters, I don’t even know which three words describe me.”
He chuckles. “How about more than capable? Hm? The dream assistant. Future art director.”
“Cheesy,” you mutter, batting him away. “I just…I really want it. I want something that feels like mine, you know? And I know I’d be fucking good at it.”
He falls quiet. He thumbs the corner of the pages, knuckles brushing against yours in a way that feels deliberate. Feels familiar.
It’s as though he might turn his hand, open his palm for yours to slip safely into. Lock his fingers through yours, squeeze once for good luck, twice to double it – and a third time, to tell you something he knows would make you flee.
But you don’t flinch, and neither does he.
Instead, he pulls himself up – a mighty groan as he straightens.
You bite back a snark about his age. Stupid fifty-year-old boss, stupid old bones. Stupid smartass.
Joel whips open the bottom drawer of his desk – the one you’d come to know as his junk drawer – and heaps diary after diary on the mahogany surface. Their leatherbound covers and splintered spines, the warped pages packed between.
With a tiny ha (and a click in his joints that you notice even from across the room), he pushes himself back up.
“September, September…” the pages flutter between his thumbs, “…September second, right?”
“What are you –?”
“Here,” he says, and reclines back beside you. He slides the diary into your lap. “September second, two o’clock.”
Your eyes narrow, following an inky trail linking geometric sketches and games of tic-tac-toe; the words college and assistant, a crude drawing of a house.
“So…” your lips purse, “…on September second, you were doing no work and doodling in your planner. What about it, Joel?”
He taps the top of the page, finger settling right below a name.
Penned in his neat handwriting – the trademark font that, after three years, you’re used to finding on sticky notes and signed with the letter J. It’s underlined, then boxed in by more scribbled lines. So familiar, you barely even take it in at first.
You blink twice.
It’s your name. Your full name.
“This is the day of my interview?” you ask.
Joel dares one fleeting glance at your lips. “Mhm. These are the notes I took, the day we met.”
You look down to the diary and back again. Almost an entire page of nonsense scribbles, hieroglyphic trains of thought bleeding from one drawing into another.
You frown. “You really didn’t listen to a fucking word I said, did you?”
He chokes on a laugh, shaking his head. “You had the job before your ass hit that chair, genius. All that interview was, was playing ball. Seeing how hard you could swing.”
But you’re more confused than you were before he emptied his desk. You flick through the book, spine dangling loose from the pages.
There are no other notes, no other candidates’ names – only reminders for Lunch with Mom and Massage 10AM. Meetings with past clients, deadlines long gone. One obnoxious, hot pink gel pen autograph in May, marking Martha’s birthday.
Yours is the only name he bothered to jot down. The only interview he thought to memorialize – in a gallery of distracted doodles.
“What are you talking about?” you ask.
He plays with his tie as he admits it. Nervous schoolboy, avoiding your eye like he did back on Maple Street. It’s a side to him you didn’t know existed, not until a few weeks ago – and seeing it again, you realize how much you missed it.
“There were four other interviews before yours. Every single one of them sat in that lobby waiting for Martha to call down. You –” he taps your hand, “– you got in the elevator and brought yourself up. You remember how shocked Martha was to see you?”
Sure I do, you think.
She stared you down the entire walk over to her desk. She stuttered and stammered her way through a sentence, once she realized who you were. She kept peering over the top of her monitor to steal glances at you when she thought you weren’t looking.
“I…I just thought I looked a nervous wreck,” you tell Joel.
He hums. “Well, you stood up when I opened my door. You held your hand out first. You were scared shitless – I knew you were – but you never lost your footing. You got no idea just how impressive you are, all by yourself.”
He taps on the sheets in your lap. “Now – find me a question on your list that tells them all that.”
It’s not as if you don’t know how these things go. You’ve sat in on plenty of interviews with Joel before – catching anything each quivering candidate says that might’ve slipped through his net, placing bets with yourself on who he’ll pick.
After a few months, he started asking what you thought.
You came to notice the discarded resumes of men you’d deemed sycophants, ladder-climbing leeches in tight, tawny ties – in piles to be shredded. There wasn’t a suit in the building that you and Martha hadn’t been asked to screen, before they were even considered for hiring.
Joel has the sharpest bullshit detector you’ve ever known. You don’t get to where he is without the radar for it. He knew exactly which guys were assholes of the highest order – he was just making sure you always did, too.
Stupid, stupid smartass.
A polite knock at the door interrupts your thought.
“Joel?” Martha calls, “Joel, your ten o’clock is here.”
He curses under his breath. His eyes shift sideways. “Who the hell is my ten o’clock?” he mumbles.
“Salazar,” you whisper, lips closing around a giggle. “Quarterly, remember?”
“Goddamn it,” he groans. He stands up, holding a hand out to pull you to your feet. “I’m sorry, darlin’. I’ll be an hour, tops. We can pick straight back up.”
“It’s okay,” you slot the diary and notepad under your arm, “I should get back to work anyways.”
“Calmed your nerves, at least?”
You smile. “Sure.”
“Liar.”
“Tip number two: don’t ask dumb questions, Miller.”
“Oh,” he scoffs, “We’re starting a list now?”
“Mhm. Three can be: don’t doodle during the interview.”
He elbows you towards the door, leaning close. “Four,” he murmurs, “Don’t get yourself fired.”
You grin as you slip outside.
“You couldn’t handle this place without me.”
Mr. Salazar loves to tell a story.
Joel’s still stuck with him, almost two hours after the guy showed up. With a pointed finger and something that felt as sacred as a blood oath, Martha made you promise you’d leave on time.
Whether we’re still in that office or halfway to Timbuktu, do not wait up. Just go, alright? Or I will hand you your ass, sweetheart.
Thirty minutes out, you’re pacing back and forth. Body humming with jittery nerves, what feels like a glass ball of anxiety rolling around your stomach. A text from Rand weighing down the phone in your blazer pocket: Ready when you are.
You suck in a ticklish breath. “Fuck,” you exhale, jamming your knuckle into the call button for the third time.
The wall rumbles as it delivers the elevator straight ahead. The doors part, and your distorted reflection stares sheepishly back at you.
You blink.
She blinks back.
Your shoulders life with another fractured inhale – and so do hers.
Some tiny, half-there version of yourself. Shrunken and shriveled. She moves when you move, only with half the confidence and double the pressure on her shoulders. She looks like she needs a wine date with Martha.
Scared fucking shitless, you think. Three words to describe me.
The doors close again, swallowing her whole, and –
“Nope,” you decide, spinning on your heel.
The shades are tilted enough to obscure the three figures to shadows: Joel, rocking mindlessly in his chair, Salazar talking with his arms, and Martha hunched at the other end of the couch – losing the will to live.
She’d probably welcome the excuse, to get the hell out of there.
Your knuckles rap against the door.
The investor’s lively cadence never slips – where there’s an audience, there’s a show to be had. He twitters on even over the grounding bass of Joel’s voice, the quick click of Martha’s heels.
Her shadow crosses over to the door and she whips it open. Her voice is a sharp whisper.
“You swore to me, you’d –”
You shake your head and grab her arm. Nervous, you mouth, trying to pull her over the threshold.
She won’t fucking budge. She plants herself in the doorway. Her chin lifts, eyes narrowing to study you down her pointed nose – and then she glances over her shoulder.
One second, she exaggerates the shape of the words, holding a finger up.
“Martha –” you hiss, but the door is already closing, and her shadow is already retreating.
You spin around, dragging yourself over to your desk. Another breathe squeezes past your hammering heart, trembling as you let it go. Your phone buzzes again.
This is pathetic. It’s pitiful. You bulldozed your way this far – against all your good sense. Red wine antidote, all that courage now feels more like a weak-kneed hangover.
You fiddle with a pen holder. Your body feels flimsy like rubber.
The door opens again.
“Hey,” Joel says, turning you to face him. He doesn’t look you in the eye – just slips your purse from your shoulder, squeezes your hand. “Walk with me.”
“No,” you wobble in his grasp, “Your meeting –”
He links his arm through yours, locking elbows. “Martha’s got him talking about some ski trip. We got ten minutes. Walk with me.”
Your breath sputters. “I can’t – I can’t do it.”
“Can’t do what?”
“I’m flapping, Joel.”
“Flapping,” he repeats, and the word never sounded more ridiculous than it does with his Texan twang. “What are we flapping over?”
He sways as he walks. It’s no different, no less comfortable than it was a few weeks ago. Just you, Joel, and the Parisian sunset. The light swimming in the Seine, the sweet air circling you both.
Your heel scuffs against the carpet. “You know,” you catch yourself, “just this potentially life-changing job interview I have in, like, twenty minutes.”
“Huh,” his brows quirk, “No big deal, then?”
Your eyes roll. “It wouldn’t be, if you hadn’t given me some big speech about not losing my footing. Now look at me. I’m all over the goddamn place.”
“Take it in baby steps,” he says. “Let’s just get you there first. All you gotta do is walk in like you’re already part of the furniture. Like they’ve been wondering what goes at that little desk.”
“You said the CEO is nice?”
“She is,” he reaches for the call button, “Likes red wine and racecars.”
Your brows flinch. “She likes…What?”
Joel smirks. “I didn’t say we talked for long. That’s all I got on her.”
He drags you into the elevator, hitting the button marked P. Your reflection stands a little taller, little straighter next to his. Mimicking his posture; the still stance and level head. The coolness you’re sure wouldn’t slip even if the world ended tonight.
“Look at that,” he mutters. “You made it to the elevator.”
“Shock,” you whisper, hugging yourself.
You face each other, inches apart. Nerves and momentum upsetting your equilibrium. The bones of the building drum up your spine as you plummet, floor numbers blinking down to zero.
Joel rests his ankles either side of yours. He knocks your feet softly, smiling fondly when you lift your head.
“Read over their website on the drive over,” he says, in the same polite voice he uses with clients. “Their values, the way they operate. Names and faces, all that shit. Keep it fresh, okay?”
You force your cheeks into a flat smile. “Okay.”
“Look at that,” he says. “Killer smile. Getcha any job anywhere.”
“Gross,” you giggle. “Did you wonder, before you found me?”
“Did I wonder what?”
You tilt your head. “What went at my little desk.”
He itches his nose, laughing into a closed fist. He’s blushing, though he’s trying hard to hide it. “Sure,” he shrugs, eventually giving in, “Knew it must be somethin’ pretty special. And you were.”
The elevator dings, and the doors rattle open.
Joel taps your heel and you sulk, leading him out into the garage.
Rand catches sight of you instantly. He jumps out of the Rolls, a wide grin on his lips, and balls his fists. “How we feelin’?” he asks, giving them a hearty shake.
“Little nervous, aren’t we?” Joel replies, patting your arm. “But we’re almost there.”
You’re holding onto him again. He doesn’t seem to mind.
���We’re still in the building,” you utter, tracking Rand’s kiddy jog around the car.
Joel turns, lips at your temple. “Closer than you were five minutes ago, baby.”
The driver grabs the door, turning his palm to usher you inside. “Figure we’ll get there with ten minutes to spare. Always good to be early to these things, right?”
If it weren’t for the six-inch heels on your feet and the seven-figure man on your arm, you’d reach to tighten backpack straps that aren’t there. It’s the same feeling: first day of school, walking into the unknown. Pushed off by grownups who know better.
You’re a grownup, too, you remind yourself.
The same feeling, and the same determination, too. The resolve to walk in there – bright-eyed and bushy-tailed – and be the thing they’ve been waiting for. Be the thing you’ve been waiting for. So –
“Fuck it,” you decide, slipping free from your boss’s grasp. “Let’s do this.”
“Attagirl!” Rand claps his hands and dances back to the driver’s side.
Joel helps you into the backseat, passing your purse over when you’re settled. “Okay?” he asks, one arm leaning on the roof.
“Yep,” you chirp – a crack in your voice that you both ignore.
“Call on your way back if you feel like it, let me know how it went.”
The strip lighting in the garage strains your eyes. “What if you’re still hearing about Salazar’s ski trip?”
He shakes his head. “Don’t ask dumb questions, remember? If you call, I’ll answer.”
“Thanks, Joel,” you whisper.
He clicks his teeth. You’re welcome.
“Next step, little tiger. Go get ‘em.”
After you interviewed with him, Joel took all of twenty-four hours to offer you the job. He said he would’ve called sooner – that afternoon, if he could’ve – but there had been a holdup with the paperwork. His next question was how soon you could start.
He was that sure.
On your first day, you were shown to your new desk. Wiped clean, drawers bare. A bloated water stain in the wood – the mark of a fern plant Martha thought was treated a little too much like an actual child by your predecessor.
She offered to have Joel order a new desk, but you told her you loved it – water stain and all.
You loved the view on each side – the sprawling city, the sun needling between buildings. You loved Martha’s company, and Joel’s daily ritual of strolling over to stretch his legs and, more importantly, gossip.
The job made you feel grown. A little kid in the big city – yes, sir and no, sir, caffeine for breakfast and paperwork for lunch. It was big enough that you wondered whether you’d really fill it – like you wondered if you’d ever fill your desk.
What supplies did a personal assistant need? You spent more time on your feet than sat at your desk. What knickknacks would you collect?
Well, looking at it all now: a jumble of pinched pens and hand-me-down magazines from Martha. A Wonder Woman stationery set your mom bought you; the chipped Kandinsky mug you make coffee in every day.
A plastic ruby ring, from a riverside stroll in Paris.
Looking at it now – you wonder how it ever all fit. Almost three cardboard boxes, plus an oversized Swiss cheese plant. Your desk is empty again, back to the way you found it.
Because you got it.
You got the job.
Junior Art Director. Jesus fucking Christ.
You were in Joel’s office when the call came through. Laying out travel plans for a business trip, organizing documents into the order he’d need them. Busying yourself purely to distract from playing the interview back in your head.
The entire thing was a blur, the interview – film reel already burning in your memory. One second you were traipsing into the building, the next – strolling back out, sun on your face and spring in your step.
It came back in flashing vignettes: the creative director’s cropped bob, her scarlet lips. The rhythmic dunk of her teabag into her mug, her quiet mhms as you spoke.
Her smile grew wider, the longer the meeting went on. Her tea went cold. She asked to see pictures of your artwork – made some passing comment about your skill being of some use for an upcoming project.
She liked you. Better yet, Joel noted – you liked her.
He walked back into his office just in time to hear the tail end of the phone call. Your shaky thank you, the teary goodbye. He waited until you turned, one hand lingering on your shoulder, and gasped when you broke into a giddy grin.
He pulled you into a bear hug, beats of raucous laughter through his chest. You sniffled into his shirt, staining the material with wet mascara.
What’d I tell you? he murmured into your hair, rocking you side to side. What’d I fuckin’ tell you?
A clumsy mash of work blouses and party dresses fills the office.
Glitzy gold and pressed linen, heels and loose ties. A bottle of champagne on a spreadsheet coaster, an overfilled balloon knotted around your chair. The word Congrats swirled in glitter pen.
Martha fills the latecomers in. She orders everyone to drain their glasses and grab their coats. There’s a dive bar not far, she says, with karaoke and a jukebox. Cheap drinks and heavy measures.
A dive bar. The dive bar. AC/DC and all.
You linger over by your desk, alone, swirling the bubbly in your glass. A little more than awkward, what with the gold party hat your coworkers forced over your head – and the heavy heart it’s doing little to soothe.
Your last day as Joel Miller’s personal assistant is over. As of five-thirty, you don’t belong in this office. Come Monday, you’ll have a whole new job, a whole new title behind your name.
It’s as thrilling as it is utterly terrifying.
Martha had your leaving party organized less than an hour after she heard the cheers from Joel’s office. Proof, you told him, that she’ll be just fine on her own.
Proof, he countered, that she has a very selective work ethic.
He’s in good hands, if her current crowd management is anything to go by. She rounds everybody up like cattle, corralling them into a buzzed herd.
“We are leavin’ in five minutes, alright?” she yells over their babble. “Five minutes!”
Rand dips between the bodies, smiling when he catches your eye. He wanders over, tactically dodging Martha’s waving arms.
“Hi, baby,” he says, arms wide.
“Thanks for coming,” you mumble into his suit jacket, wrists crossing at his spine.
He wriggles his tie straight, keeps one arm tight around your shoulders even when you pull away. “Of course,” he says, a dutiful nod. “You were always my favorite. Don’t tell the general over there.”
You smile, feeling it dampen when your eyes slip back over to the sliver of light under Joel’s door. He’s been locked in there all afternoon – the only proof of life the pacing his shadow has done.
Rand cocks his head towards the shuttered office. “He not coming?”
“No idea,” you pick at a hangnail, “Some emergency, apparently. I haven’t seen him since lunch.”
He frowns, watching as you shot what’s left of your champagne. It’s bitter – a sharp sting all the way down.
“I mean,” you gulp, “he’s my boss. He’s at every other party we have. What’s the difference this time around?”
Rand’s eyebrows wiggle. He swallows his first answer. He knows the difference as well as you do.
Still – he says, “He’s a lot of things, is Joel, but he ain’t an ass. He’ll be there.”
Across the room, Martha lassoes the party – leading them over to the elevator. She pauses, beckoning you over their heads. A thin-lipped scowl on her face, before she’s distracted by stragglers.
“Good Lord,” Rand scoffs, a gentlemanly arm through yours, “Bet you ain’t gonna miss that.”
You rest your head on his shoulder. “Surprisingly, I think I’ll miss her the most.”
As you hover at the back of the bunch, waiting for your very sternly instructed turn to step into the elevator, you glance back at Joel’s office.
The shades are split, pierced somewhere like six feet up. Sliver of lamplight peering through; silhouette of something – someone – staring back.
Come on, you want to call. We’re heading to the bar. Let’s pretend I never broke your heart and you never broke mine. We can dance and kiss like nobody’s watching. We can be okay, you and me.
Martha claps three times as the elevator announces its arrival.
“We’re up, comrade,” Rand quips, and pulls you out of Joel’s sight.
The bar looks the same as it ever did. All chipped mahogany and distressed leather; secret messages etched in secret corners. Slipping between shadow and tacky neon light to order a drink, feeling it hit the back of your skull before you’ve even swallowed the first sip.
It’s no Oasis Wine Bar, but it’ll do.
You’re crammed into a booth opposite some blotchy intern. Kid doesn’t look a day over twenty-one. Martha nudges you closer and closer to the lacquered panel wall, her elbow knocking into yours and splashing your drink over your knuckles.
The group is already a colorful spectrum of drunk: a couple suits slung over the bar, a handful screaming at some vintage arcade game. Rand cuts a merry figure at the bottom of the table, swaying as he garbles to Martha and Deb.
Like a replica of that first night – a playlist of dusty rock tunes, fingertips salty from picking at peanuts. The buzz of conversation fueled by swigs of bitter vodka.
You don’t remember it feeling this shitty, though. This lonely.
The intern leans over the booth, quickly yanking his tie before it folds into a flickering candle. He forces a relieved laugh, then asks, “Are you having a good night?”
“I guess,” you raise your voice over Martha’s cackling, “It’s a little bittersweet, you know?”
His head bobs in a tipsy nod. He looks from face to face, trying to latch onto any conversation that’ll take him. But they all turn away, distracted by some guy in a tropical shirt and his cryptocurrency conspiracy.
The intern stares down at his drink, thumbs tapping the glass.
Poor kid.
You knock on his beer, trying not to look too pitying. “How’s the internship? Liking it?”
He brightens, straightening in his seat. “Yeah, it’s been good,” he chirps. “I’m learning a lot. Mr. Miller is a great boss.”
It’s like being sucker punched by a toddler. Huge blue eyes and rosy cheeks, an unsteady grip around his Budweiser. If he didn’t look so much like a fucking Disney cartoon, you’d lose your nerve.
The alcohol sours on your tongue. “Yeah,” you mumble, sinking back into your seat. “Yeah, he’s – he’s a good guy.”
“Why isn’t he here tonight?” he asks.
“He’s – uh…” You throw a helpless look to your coworker – but she’s too busy showing off pictures of Henry. “…He’s busy tonight, I guess.”
“I’ll bet,” the kid replies. “He’s an important dude.”
“Uhuh,” you elbow Martha’s waist, “He sure is. Would you excuse me?” you ask, and the intern raises his hands. “I’ll be right back.”
Martha and Deb shuffle out of the booth, drinks in hand. You edge your way through the horde to the back of the bar – stopping to refill on the way.
As the muscleman behind the bar tops off your glass, something catches your eye.
Lit only by a flickering Coors Light sign – the red and blue melding into streaks of violet – an iron staircase lingers in the corner. You didn’t spot it last time – or if you did, you were too busy flirting with your boss to pay it any mind.
You drift over, evading the sloshed stagger of one of Joel’s mailroom guys, and click up the steps towards the glowing red of an EXIT sign. Your hip swings into the push bar. The heavy door groans open.
It’s no cooler out here than inside – but it’s deserted. Beer dripping from the lips of toppled bottles, candles wavering in clear pools of wax. A gentle hum from overhead – the string light canopy.
A kitschy little rooftop. A humble hideaway.
Alone, you cross your arms and amble over to the parapet.
The street snoozes, a story below. Leaves flutter along the curb, crushed by the scuffing soles of strangers. Their footsteps echo as they wander off into the dusky night.
No Rolls, you notice. Nowhere to be seen. Not parked on the road, nor in the lot across the street. Nothing but a couple of guys on bikes, standing in the cold light of a store front.
He’s not here. He didn’t come.
He couldn’t, even if he wanted to. Whatever emergency he’s dealing with, it’s taken half his day from him. Martha didn’t even bother to ask if he needed coffee, or to fill him in on her neighborhood politics since the new couple moved in next door.
Still – there’s never been anything he couldn’t drag himself away from. Not where you’re concerned. He abandoned an investor for a solid ten minutes last week, just to walk you to the parking garage and tell you shit you already knew.
He could find a way to make it to this, right?
You scoff into your glass, swallow a heavy sip. Swallow back the quiet disappointment, the burden of a broken heart trying desperately to remember the shape it used to be. Before private jets and business trips, before work parties and closed office doors.
Before Joel.
But he swaggered in, didn’t he – suit and tie and that signature smirk. He changed everything, overnight. He fit in all the spaces you thought no one ever would – nestled his way behind your ribcage, kept you warm, kept you safe.
You can’t remember the shape your heart used to be. You don’t fucking want to.
At least, even when you were fighting, he was still in the game. At least he was still sat on the other side of the checkered plain, nudging his king closer to your queen. You never intended on letting him win – but he never intended to in the first place.
He was only ever in it to watch your eyes light, any time he got close.
Now, the board is cleared. Pawns split in two, knights crumbled to dust. And you miss it.
You miss him.
And missing him is – feeling the absence of him in every room. The empty seat next to yours, your empty hand at your side. The weight you know by heart around your waist, the name always on the tip of your tongue.
Missing him is coming up with a million ways that every other man isn’t him. They don’t make you laugh the same, they don’t make you ache. They don’t know your favorite movie; they won’t pull over just to pinch the greasy bacon from your breakfast sandwich.
Missing him is looking for him. Everywhere. Hoping – Jesus, praying you’d walk out of your interview and he’d be stood, arms crossed, leant against the car. Wishing he’d show up again at your door – flowers in hand, kiss on your lips.
Missing him is existing in the negative space he left behind. Flecks of color fluttering in the breeze, fading as though they were never here in the first place.
The door chunks open over your shoulder, and falls closed with a slam. Right on cue. You don’t even flinch when he rolls a chilled beer against your arm.
Missing him is knowing him. Better than anyone ever has, or anyone ever will.
He’s here. He was always going to be here. Because it’s you, and because it’s him.
Joel holds for all of three seconds, then places the beer between your elbows. He leans back against the stone wall.
“Sorry I’m late,” he says, taking a sip. His rugged, twelve-hour-day form softens before your eyes.
“I missed you,” you whisper, and he smiles.
“Missed you too, pretty girl.”
You lean in, face smushing into his chest, and snake your arms around his waist.
Joel takes the weight of you like it’s nothing; kisses your head and rests his chin there.
“I thought you weren’t coming,” you mumble, feeling the strange chill of tears on your cheeks.
“Are you kidding?” his voice rumbles through your skull. “I wouldn’t miss it for the world, you know that.”
The alcohol lining your gums sweetens. It might just make the initial hit worth the trouble.
“I had a pretty shitty night,” you admit, sneaking a glance at him.
“Yeah,” he sighs, “You ‘n me both. Pretty shitty month.”
His cologne is fresh; woodsy and clean. His rough beard on your skin, his tired collar between your fingers. The landscape of a man you know inside and out.
Joel’s hands lift from your waist, past your ribs and around your shoulders. He lifts the broken heart charm from your chest – so tiny in his large hand, nervously twinkling in the light.
You don’t flinch, this time. Barely even notice his eyes on it.
His expression stiffens. His jaw clenches. His eyes are glassy, lined with tears behind his stone-set snarl.
“I’m sorry for what he did,” he grits, swallowing thickly. “I wanna kill him for it, you know that?”
You lift one shoulder, dropping it with a sigh. “He did what he did,” you hush, “He was a scumbag.”
Joel’s upper lip twitches. Twists, then settles when you trace it with your thumb.
“You didn’t deserve it,” he says. “You didn’t deserve none of what he did to you. You were just a kid, you –”
He lifts his head like coming up for air. Sucks a ragged breath between his teeth, shakes the tears from his vision.
“Hey,” you take his jaw, turning him back to face you, “Look at me. Look.” You flash a cheesy grin, nose scrunched and eyes crinkled. “I’m okay, Joel, look.”
His laughter betrays him, breaking from his chest and shattering the wolfish glare. He cups your head, cradling you against his chest again.
There’s nothing between you, now. No spiteful words or suffocating tension; no hurt and no blame. One heart broken and the other bruised, still beating the rhythm of a language only they know.
Still seeking the other out, through all of it.
“What we had,” Joel says softly, “it can’t have been nothing to you, right? Was it really just…?”
“No,” you shake your head, squeezing him, “It was never – You were never just anything to me. I think…” you sigh, “…I think you just pressed on a bruise I had. A bruise I thought I’d gotten pretty good at hiding. And you just…you twisted your thumb into it.”
“I didn’t – I didn’t know about no bruise,” he says. “It wouldn’t’ve mattered if I had, darlin’, I –”
You take his wrists, following the sleeves of his jacket up to his collar. “I know,” you hold his cheeks, “I know it wouldn’t. But you saw straight through me – and the more you saw, the more you cared. And that scared me.”
He blinks down to your lips. “Why?”
“Because it’s never like that, Joel. No one has ever been like that. I was so scared that I’d fuck it up – that you’d figure me out.”
“You gotta fill me in a little here. Figure you out?”
“All my shit. Blake, my dad. All of it.”
Joel frowns. “You think I don’t got shit I didn’t want you seeing, too? My dad, Avery – that ain’t exactly dating profile material, baby.”
You can’t help but laugh. As raw as an open wound, the most vulnerable conversation you’ve ever had – on the roof of a dive bar, with your boss.
And he’s as fucking breezy as though you just handed him the forecast for the day.
“You’re a better man, Joel, than all of them. You mean more to me than anyone. And before I knew it, you had me wrapped around your finger, and…”
“…And I was pressing on that bruise.”
You wince. “Little bit.”
His tongue prods at the inside of his cheek. He scans the rooftop, glimmers of gold in his eyes, and nods.
“Listen to me,” he says, holding onto you. His thumbs swipe your tears away. “I would not hurt you for the world. I wouldn’t. That goddamn email – I just – I didn’t know what else to do. I panicked, and I fucked up. I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to –”
“Shut up,” he smiles, “I never meant to scare you. I never meant to hurt you. And if we never go back to what we were, then – I guess I gotta live with that. But you? God, baby, I miss you.
“I miss hearing you laugh. I miss being the one to make you do it. I miss talking to you, miss hearing what you think on things. Miss your goddamn Bart Simpson socks ‘n all.”
You turn into his palm, masking your giggle. “Asshole,” you murmur.
“All I want to do is take care of you,” he says. His shoulder jerks, an earnest shrug. “’s all I want. And you don’t make it easy, that’s for sure – fightin’ back at every damn turn. But – I don’t know,” his eyes thin, “Sometimes I reckon it’s what you want, too.”
“Oh,” you wrestle a simper, “You reckon, do you?”
“I reckon,” Joel repeats, bending the word in an exaggerated drawl. “See what I mean?” he tickles your waist, “You’re a pain in my ass.”
Your head tips back with laughter – the first real laugh you’ve heard pass your lips in weeks. Since you were rolling around your bed, poking his ribs for not being able to use chopsticks. A silly, girlish giggle.
The world bursts into color again.
Joel chuckles, too, as you squirm in his grasp. His hands plant on your waist, forehead rolling against yours.
Your lips brush. Your body ignites.
“I really want to kiss you right now,” he whispers. “That okay?”
“Shut up,” you echo, letting his lips crash into yours.
He tastes exactly the same as you remember. Strawberry and lemongrass. Sweet, in a way that wakens you. Brightens you, full of life and full of color.
It’s as though only a second has passed since you last felt him like this. Felt his scruff on your cheeks, the warmth of his tongue slipping past yours. Your skin feels like satin on his; your body filling in all the worn gaps that time has taken from his.
Fitting against him like you were carved with him in mind. Chiseled from the same slab of marble, finally found one another through the opaque stone.
He pins you to the parapet; one hand firm on the small of your back, the other at the base of your skull. He leans in, claiming every sense in your body as his own – and you offer them over gladly.
He kisses you like it’s all he’s thought about since that last morning at your place. Like he’s making up for lost time.
Hell, you’re both making up for lost time.
Joel breaks for air, panting against your lips, then instantly kisses you again.
Your hand threads through his hair – the soft salt and pepper, the feathered flicks at the nape of his neck. “Joel,” you kiss him once, twice more, giggling, “We’re like teenagers.”
“I love you,” he replies, kissing down your neck. “So much. So – goddamn – much.”
He trails down to your collarbone, where your chest lifts to meet his hungry lips. He drags teeth and tongue between your cleavage.
There’s a delay in the time the words take to sink into your skin. Like they’re stopping to light every atom of your being first, before they reach your brain. Every bone, every muscle and every cell.
“You…” you breathe, pulling him upright. “…You what?”
“I love you,” he repeats. “That scare you?”
Oh.
“N-no,” you press your finger to his swollen lips, “You…Say it again.”
He pauses. Nods, when he seems to make it up in his mind. His eyes flit from yours down to the mess of your lipstick, and back up.
A man possessed, so it looks, he admits it between labored breaths. “I’m in love with you,” he says. “Have been for a while, I think. You got a terrible habit of driving me fucking insane, pretty girl.”
Oh, shit.
You knew it already. This isn’t news.
He as good as told you in the copy room – and before that, in his office. He told you in Martha’s dining room, told you in your kitchen. He told you every time his lips found yours in Paris, and every time his eyes met yours before that.
If you went back and looked, there’d probably be a trail of clues jotted down in his diary – September second, two o’clock. Great AP score, enthusiastic and friendly. I think I’m in love with her.
He’s always loved you.
It’s just different hearing him say it.
Different to how it felt the last time someone said it to you. Different to how it sounded. There’s no ringing in your ears. There’s no focal shift in your vision.
There’s no…fear.
Joel takes hold of your shoulders. “Don’t run off on me again,” he says, kissing your cheek.
“No, I’m not…I don’t – want to,” you burble, playing with his collar. “You’re just…You might be a couple steps ahead of me.”
“Baby,” he says, a little laugh to it. “That’s okay. I don’t mind. I’m good where I am.”
“Really?”
“Really,” he says, and leans in again. “I’ll wait, as long as it takes.”
You melt into him; his strong hands and steady chest. Teeth taking his bottom lip, releasing it with a little pop. Your fingers twist around his hair, tugging lightly.
A low growl sounds from Joel’s throat. His hips rut against yours, fly of his jeans catches on the material of your skirt.
It nestles somewhere between your thighs. Solid, swollen. Blood hammering beneath denim, grinding into your body. He’s hard.
“We keep goin’ the way we’re goin’,” Joel hints, “and we’re gonna have a problem that ain’t solved so easily.”
You release him, licking your lips. “You think I can’t feel it already?”
He sucks on the skin over your carotid. “You think I ain’t been dealin’ with it for the last three weeks?”
“Poor Mr. Miller,” you pout, “Let me deal with it.”
His cheeks lift, brows drop. Cocky. The Joel you’re used to. The Joel you want.
The Joel you fucking need, right now.
“C’mon,” you slip a hand down his front, cupping the weight of him, “I miss my daddy.”
He squeezes your ass, catching you in a rough kiss when you writhe forward. His teeth graze your ear. “I wanna touch you, baby. I wanna feel you again. This little cunt,” he slips a hand between your legs, “She’s all I’ve been thinkin’ about.”
Fuck.
It was a feeble attempt, anyway – matching his ego. Utterly futile. The guy makes you lose your fucking mind.
You’ve done things for him that you’d never dream of doing for anyone else – would wring their necks for even asking – and here you are, keening into Joel, grinding your dripping pussy into his palm for all the street to see.
“She’s all yours,” you whine, the words tearing from your throat in a desperate plea. “All yours, Daddy.”
“That’s my girl,” Joel murmurs against your temple. “I’m gonna take you home, okay? Fuck you nice ‘n hard, make you feel better.”
You moan against his shirt. “Can we go back to yours, Daddy?”
It throws him for one heavy beat. He pauses, breath hot against your jaw, and then presses a barely-there kiss to your lips.
“Yeah, darlin,’” he whispers. “Let’s go back to mine.”
You push off his chest, cunt throbbing with each step towards the fire door. Fingers locked through his – a siren leading her sailor down the wrought iron stairs of Sam’s Saloon. Swimming through bodies, bathing in neon light, breathing in tobacco and tequila.
Joel eyes the booth where his employees sit – folding spinning tops out of beer caps, wagering bets on who’ll still be hungover come Monday.
He turns to whisper in your ear, when a voice strikes like lightning between you.
“Hey!” Martha yells, waving from the corner booth.
You’ve never wanted her to fuck off so badly.
“Just where the hell do you think you two are goin’?”
Joel stumbles into your side, hiding a teenage sort of glee behind your back. It’s contagious – and it riles Martha even more.
You throw your arms in the air, eyes bulging. Take the fucking hint, Martha. “Home?”
“It ain’t even eleven,” she protests, making to stand. “This is your goddamn leavin’ night – what are you doing?”
But you’re already retreating, following the pull of Joel’s hand around yours. Skin like fire, spattering with every touch. There’s nothing – man, myth, or Martha – that could stop you from following him.
You yell it as you swing through the doors.
“Grabbing a paddle!”
Joel leads you with his hands and with his lips down a neighboring street, where his Lamborghini sits at the side of the road. It blinks to life, headlights blinding.
A bruiser of a car – all bulk and brawn and bullish, like the thing is actually rearing. Something of a sharp smirk to it, the same devilish grin its owner so often wears.
He opens your door, steady hand lifting you into the passenger side, and strides around the car. His hand is back between your legs before he’s even switched the ignition on.
“Get – your damn – seatbelt on,” you giggle, slurring the words against Joel’s lips. “I am not letting you drive me home without one.”
His breath is hot and heady, spilling over your tongue with each punch of laughter from his chest. “Alright, alright,” he concedes, clipping the belt into place. He holds his hands out, awaiting your approval.
When you nod, his fingers slip between your thighs.
“You whore,” you snicker – though the sound scatters when he finds your clit. You grab your own belt, yanking it loose from its holder. “Jesus, Joel –”
“There she is,” he coos, pulling out into the road.
He circles her gently at first, massaging over your panties. Middle finger pulsing over the hood, matching the rhythm of your heartbeat flocking south.
Your back arches; nails dig into his wrist. “Daddy,” you gasp, knees parting. Heat quickly soaking through lace and onto leather. “’m gonna – make a mess,” you croon.
“Make a mess, darlin’, it’s okay,” Joel beckons, knuckles white around the steering wheel. “Driving me crazy, watching you like this. Dirty little girl.”
“Let me…” you reach for his thigh, “…Wanna touch you, Daddy.”
He grunts – a sound of refusal. “Give me one first, baby. Here,” and he hooks the slippery lace to the side, fingers parting your folds, “Let Daddy feel you right here.”
Your knee lifts, leg folding against the door, and Joel pushes inside. Two fingers knuckle-deep in one thrust. You yelp.
“Oh, baby,” he tuts, “She’s so wet. She miss her daddy that bad?”
“Yeah,” you whine, watching the thick shine he draws from your cunt. You lift your hips to open wider – and he slots a third finger in.
“Look at her,” he growls, “desperate little cunt. That feel better, darlin’?”
“Yeah, Daddy,” you mewl, though you’re not fucking listening to a word he’s saying.
You watch, boneless and blathering, as your hand lowers – replacing where Joel’s was on your clit. Rubbing little circles while he fucks you with his thick fingers. Your back curls again, tits threatening to spill out of your dress.
“Keep doin’ that,” Joel instructs, wrist jacking faster. “You’re close, ain’t you?”
“Shit,” you gasp, walls clenching around him. “So – close, Joel – fuck.”
The car slows to a stop. A red glow seeps through the windshield, lighting your smirk in a dangerous tinge.
Your pussy drools onto the leather seat, throbbing over Joel’s hand. Syrupy and honey-sweet, coating him in a glistening mess the harder he fucks you. A sticky sound, the slap of skin on skin, the beats of your moaning in between.
“Look at me,” Joel says, and you tear your eyes from between your legs. “Keep playing with it. C’mere.”
He tilts your jaw with his free hand and slips his tongue past your lips – the taste of him more dizzying than any drink from that bar. He kisses you until you’re right there, sucking on his tongue, teetering on the edge of your first climax. Crying into his mouth to stop from screaming at the ceiling.
“Daddy, need –”
Joel’s wrist pounds against your clit. He laughs across your tongue.
“Come on, baby,” he groans. “Let me feel her.”
“Say it,” you beg, your head lolling on his shoulder. The streetlights begin to bleed into the car. The light flicks to yellow. “Need you to – to say it.”
He nuzzles his nose against yours, turning to let you taste the words.
“I love you,” he whispers, and you break wide open.
The car rolls off again as you come with a violent shudder, crying into Joel’s chest. Daddy Daddy Daddy, fuck me fuck me fuck me.
“I know, I know,” Joel says, riding your high out to the horizon. He stares at the road ahead, only daring a glimpse at the sodden mess between your thighs when you start to come around again.
He works your swollen cunt, fingers gleaming with your orgasm. Slips them over his tongue, licks them clean – and then pushes them back between your sensitive lips.
You rock with the moving car, pulse still rattling your lungs. Your eyes drift down, down: Joel’s spread legs, the shape even bolder in his jeans than before.
You got a terrible habit of driving me fucking insane, pretty girl.
Weak and still quivering, you slip your hand over his belt – feeling his stomach jolt the second you touch it. The dark trail of hair from his navel, the thicker it grows – the harder he tenses.
“Easy,” he clips, adjusting in his seat. “Alright, darlin’. We’re…You’re gonna get us arrested.”
“Good,” you shrug, “I bet you have a good lawyer.”
You slump into his lap, the armrest solid against your ribcage. Trembling fingers loosening his belt, picking at the button of his jeans, husking them loose when he lifts his hips.
“Jesus,” he clears his throat, “Won’t let me drive without a seatbelt, but you’re – you’re fine with – fuck.”
He’s heavy and rock solid, so wide you can barely hold him. Big enough that it takes no effort at all to pull him free. Shaft silky smooth, tip flushed red and leaking deliciously.
Fuck, he’s so pretty. He’s so –
“– pretty, Daddy.”
Joel lifts his hand and holds you at the back of your neck, grip tightening when you dab his head along your bottom lip. “Prettier when you’re playin’ with it, angel.”
Your tongue circles his tip – salt and sweat stirring you from your orgasmic haze. You dribble down his cock, spit racing to the twists of thick hair at his base.
The sound he makes is guttural – a roar of a groan from his chest – when you sink down on him. He fills your mouth instantly, nudging the back of your throat in one.
The car swerves some. Joel curses over your head.
You slip back up – slow. Let your tongue trace every ridge, every vein along the way. All of it perfect perfect perfect – all of it him. Chasing streaks of saliva, the pearly shine of precome beading from his slit.
One hand stroking his hilt, lips suckling around his tip. Kneading his weighty balls – massaging them in your palm, dragging your tongue down to kiss the cushiony skin.
“Pretty girl,” Joel rasps, hips canting to meet every lick, every stroke. “You’re gonna make me come if you don’t stop.”
Mhm, you mumble, gagging around the intrusion. Tears sear across your waterline, spilling from the corners of your eyes. So big, so pretty, so perfect.
He nuzzles deep, stretching the column of your throat wide. “Baby,” he warns, voice sharper, “Baby, you gotta – you gotta stop now.”
Maple, he’d said – that day in your shower. If you say it, I stop.
Say it, you dare him silently.
“I’m gonna – c-come, darlin’,” instead.
Say. It.
“You want that?” he growls, hand surfing over your hair to cup your skull. “You wanna make your Daddy come?”
Your voice flattens, mutes under the strain of his cock. You moan instead, the sound weak and muffled.
“Shit,” Joel says, stomach tensing tensing tensing. “Shit, angel, just like that. Good fuckin’ girl.”
He twitches deep inside. He’s there. Right there.
You slacken your jaw and lick up his shaft, two hands wrapping around it. They slip around the sticky spit, swirling and squeezing while you kiss his tip.
He holds you steady, slowing the car to watch as he fills your mouth.
Two, three warm spurts across your tongue, dripping down the back of your throat. You lap up every drop, tongue swirling the salt around your lips before you swallow it down.
Joel rasps as he steers the car into a dim lot. He strokes your head, jerks when you play a little too much with him.
“Attagirl,” he sighs, “Careful with it. Tryna fuckin’ kill me.”
You giggle, swiping kitten licks at his tip before you slip him back into his underwear. You bat Joel’s hands away, buttoning his jeans and threading his belt back together. Planting heavy kisses into the plush of his tummy.
When the darkness is pierced by flickering fluorescents, you push yourself up.
“Where are we?” you ask, twisting in your seat.
“Home,” he says simply.
A plain man in a dark suit strides over to the car as soon as it parks up. The click of his shoes bouncing off the walls.
Joel swipes at your chin with his thumb. He slips the digit past your lips and you suck it clean. “Dirty girl,” he utters, stealing another hasty kiss before swinging out of the car.
You hop out the other side, tottering around the Lamborghini to meet him at the back.
The attendant’s name badge reads Owen. “Long day, Mr. Miller?”
Joel pats his shoulder in greeting, reaching for your hand. “Long day,” he agrees, and makes for the elevator.
Your head swivels, taking in each lavish vehicle parked under luminous light. Emblems with horses and bulls and wings – plenty more than you don’t even recognize. Each car polished to perfection, groomed within an inch of its life.
Joel flicks the button at the top of the panel. The doors glide closed – smooth and silent. You barely feel it as it scales the building rapidly.
“Wait a second,” you stare at the dazzling PH, “Do you live on the top fucking floor?”
He bites his lip. “Might do.”
You step back. “So you let me bring you into my – my shitty little apartment, and meanwhile you’re –?”
“Woah, woah,” he cuts in. “Your apartment is not shitty.”
“It’s not a fucking penthouse, Joel.”
“It’s a nice apartment!” he protests, squeezing your shoulder. “Do you always gotta be so goddamn dramatic?”
“I bet you could fit my entire place inside your living room. Right? Am I right?”
He clicks his teeth and stuffs his hands into his pockets. “Naw,” he says, like a little kid. Twisting his toe into the marble floor. “Dressing room, more like.”
The doors part just in time for him to escape your drumming fists – his boyish snicker filling the cream hallway.
You spill out after him, pulse fluttering dangerously through your veins.
“You know what my place doesn’t have?” Joel says, fishing for his keys. “A poster of Richard Gere. I could use one of those.”
“Oh,” you feign amusement, “Well, you can have mine. I won’t be able to look at it now, anyways.”
He slots the key in the lock and turns. Drinks in the sight of you – on a comedown from only the second-hottest car ride you’ve ever taken.
“Your apartment,” he lifts a finger, “has you in it. It wins, every time.”
Your jaw clenches. Your heart begins a warning drum in your chest. Don’t you fucking dare. Don’t you fall.
Too late, you think.
The door sweeps open, and Joel beckons you forward.
“Ladies first.”
You slip by, stepping into a regal hallway. Smooth stone on either side, dark wood under your heels. All marble and mirror, classy, glassy décor. Golden spotlights which glow to life overhead, the deeper your footsteps echo.
It’s dark, and a little moody. Manly. The perfect marriage of masculine and chic. Cold steel and warm wood.
It looks like him. Classy and luxurious – but homey, warm. Everything that draws you to him, and everything that makes you want to stay.
Joel follows silently at your back, much the same as he did in his little white house. Looking to his feet when you turn back, fiddling with the strap of his watch.
You wander to the end of the hall, where the apartment widens. A towering living room – sylvan and rustic, the same muted tones bleeding through. Cityscape backdrop, pristine glass fire. A coffee table homing ornate vases and books on woodworking; a faux fur blanket over the couch and beside it, a worn flannel shirt.
You love it. You love all of it.
And loving his apartment is probably a bit of a copout, right? The easier way, the safer way to admit something much scarier. It’s just fragments of Joel, after all. It’s all the parts you’ve come to like best.
His heart, his soul. The kid with the freckles and scruffy hair, all grown up. Thrown into a big city, thrown into a big job. Thrown into a million-dollar penthouse – and still, he turns everything he touches into…home.
Joel presses his lips along your shoulder, perches his chin on your collarbone. Quiet, a little bashful – hiding from every secret he’s letting you in on just with being here.
Your eyes catch a brushed-gold frame on the sideboard, and you float over.
Faded by the sun and the years in between, there’s a peachy tint to the photo. A dreamy lilac sky, dark cedars fringing the background. A squint mailbox, cherry red with the name MILLER printed on.
Two boys, one as filthy as the other. Matching denim shorts and lanky limbs. Smeared with paint, in the midst of a brawl which nearly blurs their figures into nothing more than one head of dark hair, the other sandy.
You’d recognize him anywhere, though. Even with his arm hooked around his little brother’s neck.
“Tommy started it,” Joel says, elbowing your side. “See that smudge on the mailbox? He pushed me headfirst into the thing.”
Your chest leaps. “Who won the fight?”
He takes the frame and dusts it with the sleeve of his jacket. “Mom did,” he replies. “Threw the camera down ‘n dragged us inside. Grounded us for a week, made us repaint the entire thing.”
“How is your mom?” you ask.
Joel nods. “Good. She’s askin’ after you.”
“She still asks about me?”
“Yeah,” he says. “’cause I still talk about you.”
It prods low in your chest. Aching, stitching itself back together thread by thread. A wound twelve years in the making, the doing and undoing of everything you ever knew. Family and love; hurt and loss.
It’s okay to lose some things, you reckon. It’s okay to let them go. To watch that beat-up Toyota tear off for the horizon. To leave that man and his ring and the promises he’ll never fulfill.
There’s someone better waiting down the line, anyway. It starts with a page of doodles; it ends with your heart in his hands.
The safest place it’s ever going to be.
You cross your arms around Joel’s neck and pull him against your body. Pull him against the wound.
“I want to go see her again, tomorrow.”
“I think she’d like that.”
“Then I want to come back here and spend the whole weekend with you.”
He swallows. “Yeah. Yeah, I want that, too.”
You kiss him softly.
“And I want you to take me to bed right now, and show me how much you love me.”
The twinkling city is the only light left on this side of the apartment.
Half-drunk in a half-dim room, you stumble in backwards – tripping over thin air and collapsing onto the bed, pulling the six-foot shadow of your ex-boss-now-something on top.
The laughter rumbles from Joel’s chest. “I’m too old for this, pretty girl,” he says, sucking a mark into your neck.
“No big deal,” you titter, fumbling with the buttons on his shirt. “I’ll keep you going.”
He hovers over you, watching as you peel the clothes from his body. The heavy clink of his belt on the floor, the ruffle of slacks down his legs. He shakes the shirt from his arms and your lips connect again in the darkness.
Hips between yours, he drags your dress from the hem up over your arms. A hungry glimpse, tongue dabbing at the corner of his mouth – like it’s Monday morning all over again, and you’re on your knees in front of him for the first time.
Back when flirting was as harmless as delivering coffee and running errands. Back when he was one third of a fuck, marry, kill debate with Martha and Deb. Back when neither of you knew these versions of yourselves even existed.
Joel lowers – taking your nipple in his mouth.
“Shit,” you pant, fingers searching for the elastic around his waist.
He helps you tug his boxers off. His cock sways between his legs, smatter of come and damp saliva across your stomach as he guides you up the mattress. He takes the lace from your hips in his fist and rids you of it in quick motion.
“See what you do to your daddy?” he asks, tapping the weight of his cock against your mound.
You reach down, wrapping your fingers around him. He’s stubbornly solid again – throbbing under your touch. He shudders when you swipe a gentle thumb over his tip.
“Already came once ‘n you got him hard all over again,” Joel adds.
You take your lip under your teeth, stroking his cock. Your clit flutters at the thought of him pushing in. The stretch that feels so impossible, the punch of pain each time he reaches the end of your pussy.
It steals a sob from your lips. “I wanna ride you, Daddy,” you sputter, a solid shove on his shoulders.
He rolls onto his back, hands finding your hips as you mount his waist.
“Let me ride you,” you’re panting, lowering onto the dense muscle of his stomach. Quickly coating the trail of pubic hair with a pearly sheen. You rock back and forth, taking the stalk of him in one small hand.
“Let me ride – just wanna ride –”
“Alright, alright,” Joel hastens, sitting upright. He slips an arm around your back.
You whine. “You never let me, Daddy, I just wanna –”
“Shh,” he holds your jaw, “I’m gonna let you. I’m gonna let you, baby. Just gotta go slow, alright? I don’t want to hurt you.”
“I can take it,” you tell him, hands on your hips.
“I know,” Joel replies, “I know you can. Always do, huh?”
He slides his tip through your core, teasing your entrance. So wide that you can already feel your little hole struggling with just his head. He’s covered in you – your slick blending with his, your breath swapping.
“Three weeks, angel,” he fusses, beginning to edge you down. “Too goddamn long,” he adds, “You know how much I missed this pretty cunt?”
Your pussy sucks his length in, blooming for him. Warm and snug, spongey walls pinching every inch as he penetrates her. Like they’re made for each other, the same way you and Joel are.
“She missed you more,” you gasp, head tilted back to the ceiling. “I missed you more.”
Joel’s teeth pluck at the column of your throat, still raw from the memory of his dick. “Doing so good for me,” he hums, “Little more, okay?”
You collapse forward, boneless and weeping against his chest. The pain and the pleasure hammering through your veins – Joel’s thunder and your lightning. Every nerve on fire, every hair on your body standing to attention.
He holds you steady, hands still locked around your waist, cock still filling you up inch by inch. When your clit reaches the coarse hair at his base, Joel kisses from your chest up to your jaw.
“You feel that, baby?” he asks, two fingers lifting your chin. “Feel Daddy inside you? All of him, darlin’, you got all of him in there.”
You wiggle in his lap, hips aching with the effort of holding his full length. “So big, Daddy.”
Joel tenses, teeth gritting. “I ain’t gonna last long,” he admits, grip firm on your hips.
“That’s okay, baby,” you coo, nudging him back into the mattress. His cock slips from your slit, drizzled with slick. You feel so empty without him – electricity fizzling into nothing, walls clamping around nothing.
You brace yourself over his torso – reaching between your legs to guide him back to your entrance.
Beneath hooded lids, heavy with lust, Joel watches as you drag his tip through your folds. He presses his thumb to your clit, rough circles around the swollen hood, and parts your lips with his fingers.
His cock lines up, and you sink down.
“Christ, darlin’,” Joel groans. He flicks at your clit, his other hand coming up to pinch your nipple.
“I – Fuck,” you moan, bouncing on him. “Feels so – good, Daddy, I –”
You fall forward into the headboard – staying upright only with your fingers locked around the wood. You’re slipping, already barreling your way towards another orgasm.
You grind forward, rutting into Joel’s palm, falling back on his cock. Your spine curls; hands drop to claw at his chest, ground yourself there.
The edges of your vision begin to blur. It’s not like this, it’s never like this. No one has ever fucked you this good, this rough and this loving.
Joel’s balls slap against your ass. He bucks his hips, knees lifting to bump you forward.
“Attagirl,” he says, slipping a hand around your neck. He brings you down, nips at your lower lip. His forehead slides against yours. “Can feel you closing, darlin’,” he chuckles, “You gonna come for me?”
“D-dick,” you hiss.
He smirks. “Always look so pretty when you let go. You don’t wanna show Daddy how pretty you are?”
You writhe over him, biting down hard on your climax.
“My beautiful girl,” Joel murmurs in your ear. “Come for Daddy.”
And it throws you under.
Blinding, deafening. Every nerve in your body overcome, each one flipped to feel only Joel. His cock, buried deep inside, your walls clamped around him; his teeth on your skin, tongue soothing the scrape.
It’s never like this.
Never so euphoric, never such a perfect meld of bruise and bliss. The feeling of your body changing, altering down to the very last atom – blossoming anew. Fresher, purer, lovelier.
When you come back around, you’re on your back.
Legs wrapped around Joel’s waist; arms linked around his neck. He must’ve flipped you, the second you came.
He slips back inside, suckling on the skin beneath your ear, and drives his hips into yours. Ignores your yelps, your short breaths – just fucks into you like you’ll be gone in the morning.
Fucks into you like he’ll never get to do it again. Like he hasn’t been doing it for weeks. He fucks you so hard that it hurts; an ache already burning that you know you’ll still feel walking into work on Monday.
“Good girl,” he chants, over and over. “Daddy’s girl.”
Like a fever come over him – beads of sweat dotting his skin, flush in his cheeks. He fucks you mindless, senseless, wordless. Sobbing beneath him, each word soaking into the next.
Good girl. Good girl. Daddy’s girl, that’s it. Daddy loves you so much, baby. Gonna fill this little cunt up so good.
When your walls pull tight again, your third orgasm flooding from every pore in your body – Joel’s movements halt.
He comes with a painful jolt – his cock shunting into you once, twice, until he’s pumping you full of his come. Twitching deep within you, pulsing warm and messy inside your pussy.
He comes with a sound like song. Your name, entangled in a throaty groan – lips tucked somewhere between your neck and shoulder.
You finally hear it – for the first time in your life.
How it’s supposed to sound: low like thunder, Texan in its swing. No one else, you realize, has ever gotten it right – this right – before. As if only his lips were meant to speak it, his tongue designed to carve around the letters. His vocal cords strung to send the sound to your ears.
It’s his, you decide. Your name – and every other piece of you. All of you. It all belongs to him, now.
“Fuck,” Joel pants, one hand on the headboard to steady himself. He lets it rain down over you: “I love you so much, you know that?”
“Come here,” you whisper, and he falls into your body, “Come love me forever.”
Half-conscious and full bliss, you laze in Joel’s bed – all fucking night.
Strong arms hooked around your shoulders, heart to heart. Breath shared, whispering nothings and everythings in the space between your lips. He’s still buried deep inside, still tucked between your legs.
Bundled in satin sheets, kept warm by his body around yours. Talking shit, poking fun, flirting and fucking around. You play with his hands, sizing your open palm against his. You compare the scars and scrapes on your skin, spill the bloody story behind each one.
“Alright, big girl,” Joel yawns, eyes fluttering shut. “I’m beat. You killed me.”
You snuggle under his chin. “Get some sleep, old man.”
He takes a second to respond. He’s already going. This is probably the closest he’s been to actually sleeping for a good three weeks.
“Love you,” he exhales then, like the thought just lapped past his lips again.
You smile. Take his big hands in yours and lift them closer to your chest, tuck your chin over your interlocked fingers.
Something deep inside you lurches. Tries to escape. You tighten Joel’s grip, as if choking the words on their way up.
Joel’s breathing slowly begins to draw out – tiny sighs passing his lips. Your thumbs trace the short hair between his nose and top lip, combing it, nail ghosting over the lines on his lips.
A warm feeling floods through your body. Suddenly – it starts in your chest and washes over in waves, dousing you and the world around you in a dreamy rose. Like a sunset paints its way across the walls, the glint of gold where the light catches on the tower in the distance.
Peace, you think.
Only – there’s no end to it. No sleek black car to drag you away. No broken promises and half-truths. The ache in your chest pulls gently – a reminder, no longer a threat.
This will never leave. He won’t let it. It’s as safe as you are, now, wrapped in his arms. Nothing and no one to break you apart.
“Joel?” you whisper.
His eyelashes flutter, like even asleep he knows it’s something worth hearing. Like everything you could possibly say – What should we have for breakfast? My foot itches. Did you know Martha box dyes her hair? – it’s all worth hearing.
You gulp. “Joel, I wanna – I wanna tell you something.”
He crackles to life, words melting into one another. “…What is it…darlin’…?”
Your lips morph around voiceless words. Your tongue lifts to the back of your teeth, trying to force the sound out.
It’s everything, you think. You’re everything. Say it. Say it say it say it.
But he’s already dropping off again. He’s already being swept away somewhere you’re too tense to reach. And you’re not brave enough to push through the fog on your own, stick a trembling hand into the unknown and swipe for his.
So you let it go. Watch the words float off somewhere Joel can’t hear them.
You shrink yourself, slotting your head beneath his jaw, your cheek to his chest. He sighs into the crown of your head. His heartbeat thuds a familiar bassline into your ear. Hi, old friend. I missed you.
Maybe in the morning, you can swing by your place and grab a bag. Pack a few days’ worth of clothes, spend the first few mornings of your new career drinking velvety coffee in bed next to Joel. Sharing the mug, sharing the newspaper, sharing the shower when it’s time to get up.
Maybe you should call Martha, and apologize for skipping your party. She can fill you in on the night – the drunken dramas, the secrets spilled. She won’t ask about you and Joel – she’ll just know. And that’s enough.
Maybe you’ll throw the phone to the end of the bed after you hang up, discarded amongst the tangle of sheets, and lie back down next to a still sleeping Joel. Lay your head on his chest, like it is right now. Listen to his heartbeat, run your fingers across the dark hair.
And maybe you’ll think over the same three words currently racing through your head. Maybe you’ll try to piece together a sentence for him to hear, when you’re ready to say it out loud.
Maybe by morning, you’ll be brave enough to admit it to yourself, first.
That…yeah.
You love him.
#joel miller#joel miller fic#joel miller x reader#joel miller smut#ceo!joel miller#ceo!joel#sugardaddy!joel miller#the last of us#the last of us fic#fic: sex on fire
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Gold chain (pt2) | Leah Williamson
Leah, among other things, can be a bit of a distraction for your game… but just a bit. warnings: none, just fluff and slow burn note: a short one for today,, thanks for all the love in the pt1 :( pt1 - pt3 my masterlist
It had been three days since Leah had received the Instagram notification. Every morning, she took a moment to think about whether it was a good idea to text you or not. So far, you had liked her latest post, and Leah was hoping to return the gesture, but unfortunately for her you hadn't posted anything new since your picture holding the Roland Garros trophy. Not even a story she could react to. Nothing.
“So... how's it going?” her mother asked that afternoon. Leah had gone to visit her, finding herself with more free time now that the season had ended, not much to do aside from the occasional interview and events, nothing too physically demanding for her.
“Well, I have an interview with the BBC in a couple of days, so that's keeping me busy” Leah said, pacing around the dining room, her eyes wandering over the photographs on one of her mother’s many shelves.
“I'm not talking about work. I'm talking about your girl!” Amanda shouted from the kitchen.
"Stop calling her that. I still can't believe you embarrassed me in front of her” Leah retorted. Just then, something over the fireplace caught her attention.
Right in the center, where her picture holding up the Euro usually was, now stood a small transparent box. Inside was your autographed tennis ball. Leah picked up the box and couldn't help but smile at the sight of your signature, along with a smiley face.
“Hey, leave that there” her mother scolded as she entered the dining room with the two plates of food for dinner.
“This should be mine, I'm her fan,” Leah said, fiddling with the box in her hand.
“Did you help Y/N win her trophy?” her mother retorted.
“Well, I got you there in the first place” Leah defended herself, placing the box back in its spot.
"Too bad that gift was given to me. If you want a ball, ask her for it." Amanda teased.
“You're my mother. You should be nicer to me.” Leah countered, taking a seat.
"Yes, I am your mother, but I didn't raise a coward," Amanda said with a teasing smile. “Now eat”
Leah bit her lip nervously as she stared at her phone screen. The chat with you was open, and a picture of the autographed ball at her mother’s house was ready to be sent.
God, why was she so nervous? She had captained the England women's team to their first major title in history, yet now she was afraid to send a simple message.
“Screw it,” she muttered, hitting send.
“My mom won't let me touch the ball you gave her.”
Leah panicked as soon as the text was sent and quickly locked her phone. She glanced at her watch, it was past eleven o’clock at night, and she didn’t even know where in the world you were right now. The best thing to do was to go to bed and try not to think about the message. Maybe, if she was lucky, you would read it and respond in the morning.
Within half an hour Leah was in bed, with her ipad in her lap, checking emails. Suddenly, her phone vibrated.
She had tossed it onto the bed ten minutes ago, and now it was lost somewhere among the sheets and the pile of pillows she had. She rummaged around looking for the phone, but couldn't find it, that was until her foot got tangled in the sheets, causing her to tumble to the floor. That's when she saw her phone, on the edge of the bed, covered by a pillow.
Without bothering to get up from the floor, she grabbed the phone and smiled when she saw the notification: a message from you.
“Aww, I seriously thought she would give it to you.”
Would it be too intense if she responded immediately?
Leah decided to go for it. “My mother is not that kind of mother,” she typed and sent the message, then relaxed as she saw you had immediately read it. The bubble with three dots appeared instantly, confirming you wanted to keep the conversation going.
"Ah, my mother is similar. I understand," you replied.
Leah was taken by surprise when the next message popped up.
“What are you doing at this hour?”
She realized she was still sprawled on the floor of her room. She got up, climbed back into bed, and opened the first streaming app she saw on her ipad, choosing an old movie she had been trying to watch for days. She took a picture, making sure to show only the ipad and part of the bed, then sent it to you.
“Watching something.”
Leah shook her head,feeling like a teenager sending things like that. It reminded her of what she used to do years ago. But she wanted to sound interesting to you. What would you think of her if you knew she was actually just checking emails and watching old football matches, trying to figure out if she could play like she used to?
"What about you? I don't even know what time zone you're in."
“I’m in Italy, just an hour difference :)”
“Italy?”
"Resting. Back to my workouts tomorrow."
"Oh, right. What’s next for you now? Berlin?"
This time Leah was surprised to see that your response was not a text, but a voice message. She hesitated before playing it, then hit the button and heard your voice.
“Wow look at you, you really are a fan,” you said in a teasing tone. Leah blushed immediately. She couldn't send you a voice message because she was sure she would get too nervous. Leah Williamson, the same woman who had spoken at the UN months ago, now felt like a schoolgirl with a crush.
She took a deep breath and replied:
“Of course I am. I’ve watched almost all your matches since Wimbledon last year. I told you I was your fan when I met you. My mother made sure to emphasize that too.”
“I just thought it was to flatter me if I'm being honest... Not that I'm that self-centered, but it wouldn't be the first time it's happened.”
Leah could tell you were walking during the last voice message; there was background noise. You obviously weren't in a room.
“Where are you at this hour?”
The next thing Leah received was a photo of a couple of tennis courts. From the angle and the small table with a glass of water, she deduced that you were sitting a few feet away from the courts.
“I thought you were training from tomorrow?”
"On grass. The grass court season starts soon. Now I was just playing with my racket.” You explained in the message. Leah didn't have a chance to respond before receiving another voice message from you. "But it's getting late now, and I need to rest up for tomorrow's training session. Say hi to your mom for me please."
"Of course, have a good rest," Leah replied, understanding the importance of proper rest for training sessions, especially during the season.
Days had flown by since that chat, and Leah was getting antsy. She was really hoping you'd reach out first this time, just to ease her mind that she wasn't bothering you. But as she sat at Alex's place, enjoying a glass of wine over dinner before going out, she couldn't help but feel a bit silly constantly checking her phone for a message that never came.
As far as Leah knew you had already arrived in Berlin for the upcoming Open, not because you told her, but because she'd seen some snapshots of you during training sessions thanks to some tennis websites she followed.
Leah didn't know it, but your mind was fully consumed by the upcoming tournament with Wimbledon just around the corner. It was the topic of discussion throughout your entire day: grass, Berlin, Wimbledon, Leah no, wait, focus on that WTA ranking.
"Ready?" Lucas, your coach, asked, checking his watch. It was the last day before the tournament started.
"Huh?" You looked up, putting your phone down.
Lucas gave you a concerned look. "You okay? You've seemed kinda spaced out for a few days now."
You shook your head, trying to brush it off. "Yeah, yeah, I'm good."
"Is something up? You look kinda off," Lucas took a seat next to you, his concern evident in his expression. “You're not hiding some injury from me?"
"It's nothing. I'm fine, just tired” you lied, standing up and glancing at your phone once more. Lucas caught your glance.
"Don't tell me there's a girl," he said, rubbing his temples.
"What?! No! Of course not!"
"God, I knew it. It's that Italian girl, isn't it? I saw you chatting with her at the hotel."
"That was a waitress, Lucas. I'm serious, there's no one," you said, grabbing your bag from the floor. "I've got my priorities straight."
"Good. What you have to worry about now is Berlin. Remember, Wimbledon's around the corner" said Lucas, standing up and grabbing his bag. "If you want, after that tournament, you can sleep with whoever you want, Italian or not. But for now, you must keep your eyes on the grass. Okay?"
"Okay"
The next morning, as you sat down for breakfast, Leah's face caught your eye while scrolling through your Instagram feed. She had posted some photos, seemingly from a night out.
It struck you how you hadn't come across Leah until the Roland Garros final; she seemed like an incredible person. You had even done a quick Google search when you first started following her on Instagram, impressed by her contributions to her sport back home.
It wasn't your fault that your family never showed much interest in football, so it wasn't surprising that you couldn't recognize any of the people beside Leah in those pictures. In the final photo, Leah was wearing a top that exposed her abdomen, wow, with a hand from someone you didn't recognize resting on her waist.
“Hmm?” You quickly tapped on the tag on the other woman's body. Her Instagram profile revealed that she was a football player too. Leah was in many of her photos, often seen next to her or hugging her.
“Hey, Y/N” Lucas intervened, taking the phone from your hand and turning off the screen. “I've been trying to get your attention for minutes, your match starts in an hour.”
You nodded your head. Lucas didn't seem to notice the tension in your jaw, you tended to be serious before matches, so it wasn't unusual.
As you warmed up on the court, your mind couldn't shake the thoughts about Leah.
"Who was that other woman?"
"It doesn't matter. Leah is just a fan, maybe a friend, not someone you're going to marry."
"Exactly. Whether she has a partner or not shouldn't affect anything."
"But I couldn't help but find her cute."
"She's undeniably beautiful."
"Focus on Wimbledon."
Despite the game starting, your mind continued its internal debate.
Your opponent secured the first game at 40-0. Now it was your turn to serve. Just as you tossed the ball into the air, a nagging thought intruded again.
“Does she have a girlfriend?”
The ball hit the net. An irritated sigh escaped your mouth, knowing you had to make this serve count, aiming to avoid a double fault.
Shaking off the distracting thought, you prepared for another attempt. Gazing ahead, you focused on your opponent's movements, determined to regain control of the match.
"Her mother played matchmaker when we met," you mumbled to yourself, the distraction causing you to miss the hit once more. This time, it sailed over the net but landed wide, giving your opponent an unexpected point.
Even your opponent seemed surprised by the unforced error you just made, giving her a point without any effort on her part.
"I need to find out who she is," you muttered under your breath, feeling the pressure with each lost point.
Your serve had enough power behind it this time, but your return lacked precision, sending the ball flying into the stands. As the ball sailed out, your opponent glanced at you in disbelief, clearly surprised by the unforced error you had just made.
"Wälti, that was her name," you murmured to yourself, the name lingering in your mind like a persistent echo.
With the score now at 40-15, your opponent was on the verge of breaking your serve.
You needed to get rid of the doubt, but you couldn't leave the game, you weren't that crazy. But you could do something else, win the game in record time. Focus on winning to satisfy your curiosity and anxiety. You adjusted the gold chain that hung around your neck and took a deep breath. You had to hurry.
The match ended 0-2, with you taking the sets at 2-6 and 1-6. Your best result on grass.
"Where'd that come from?" Lucas asked once you were alone. "Since when is your backhand so killer on grass?" he wondered. "I've never seen you pull off moves like that on grass."
"Just got inspired," you said, tossing your visor aside and slumping into the chair. "Can I have my phone now?" Lucas hadn't given it back to you yet, not as a punishment, but because you'd asked him to keep it.
Lucas handed it over, eyeing you. "You're keeping something from me," he noted, scratching his beard. "But if it's what's making you play like a champ, I'm all for it," he said, grinning.
You brushed off your coach's voice, fingers darting to your Instagram. With a few taps, you found Leah's chat, eager to shoot her a message.
"Heyyy! How was your night?" you typed, your leg bouncing with impatience. Though you needed to hit the shower, the excitement of hearing from Leah consumed you.
"Hope you're not feeling too rough today; starting the week hungover would be nasty," you added, fingers hovering over the screen in anticipation. But as the moments passed, there was still no response from Leah, leaving you hanging in suspense.
A cold shower seemed like the perfect remedy to clear your mind, and thankfully, it did the trick. Lucas egging you on for extra drills, especially to fine-tune your backhand, also helped to distract you.
By dinner, any hope of hearing back from Leah had evaporated. You were so disinterested that you didn't even bother bringing your phone along. It wasn't until nearly ten, when you reached for your phone to set the alarm, that you noticed Leah's message—a voice message.
"Hey, fancy hearing from you!" Leah's voice chimed in, carrying that distinctive lilt that hinted at a potential afternoon spent dozing off. You could practically imagine her, wrapped up in blankets, nursing a post-party hangover. "Yeah, went out with some friends. We were celebrating the end of my mate's long-distance thing. Was fun, until they started getting all soppy, reminding me I'm the last single one in the group."
A groan slipped out before she continued, "I may have had a bit too much to drink," she confessed with a sheepish chuckle.
Those messages had been sent around 4 pm, while you were deep into your training session.
The rest of the voice messages were sent after 7 pm.
"What the heck was up with your game today?!" came the first, followed by a chuckle "Just watched the highlights of your match. Seriously, what did that poor player do to deserve such a thrashing from you? She ain't an ex, is she?"
Then, a last voice message added, "Sorry if that sounded a bit too nosy. Just curious, you know?"
You chuckled, enjoying the sound of Leah's accent. It had this magical way of making you grin like an idiot, even when you were just staring at your phone screen.
But now, what really mattered was Leah's relationship status, she was single, confirmed without even having to pry. Knowing she was single now seemed like a game-changer. Suddenly, that whole thing with Wälti didn't matter anymore, Leah's path was crystal clear. Not that you were planning to make any moves to win her over; that was definitely not on your agenda, at least not for now.
“Remember, Wimbledon”
Oh… the other thing that hit you: Leah truly proved herself to be your fan. It blew your mind that someone recovering from a hangover would bother to watch highlights of your match just to chat about it later. She was the first person to do that, apart from your coach or family.
"Hey, I'm free tomorrow, at least from the matches. What do you think if I call you tomorrow?" you typed, feeling a rush of anticipation mingled with nerves as you crawled into bed.
Before closing your eyes, you couldn't resist checking your phone one last time. And there it was, Leah's response: "Sure, call me anytime tomorrow. I'll be waiting for you."
With a grin stretching across your face, you drifted into the most peaceful sleep you've had in ages, feeling a sense of warmth and excitement settling deep within you.
#leah williamson imagine#leah williamson x reader#leah williamson x you#woso imagine#woso x reader#sorry lia
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are we talking about broke therapists yet?
I've been out of things for a couple of years now, which is why I'm willing to talk about it, and maybe the pandemic has helped things a little, but holy shit the counselling and psychotherapy field is not equipped to help its practitioners in the gig economy.
Of all my interests and talents, I pursued a degree in psychology because being a therapist is supposed to be a safe, stable, well-paid job. Every therapist I met who was registered before 2008 worked and lived under that assumption. And oh boy are all the fee structures--registration, supervision, continuing education, conferences--set up for that scenario.
After getting my Master's, I struggled like hell to get a job. It was especially bad because to get my license, I needed a supervisor to take me on. To take me on, most supervisors wanted me to already have a caseload and client base. To get a caseload and client base, I needed a job.
Friends: Every single job I heard back on wanted me to have my license before I could even land an interview.
Professors and career advisors and professional development specialists all advised me very earnestly to just keep cold-calling people on the supervision list, and it began to feel a lot like my parents' friends telling me to hit the bricks and hand out resumes. That's what worked for them, right?
I finally got a supervisor who agreed to take me on, and I'd be able to use her clinic for advertising and workspace, and we were doing the paperwork to send in with my registration, when she called me up and said, "Is this job going to be your only source of income? If you're trying to depend on getting clients and building your practice for your basic needs, this is not going to work out. This has to be something you're doing on top of a basic salary. Okay, so you're not working anywhere else right now? I'm sorry, I can't move forward with this."
Even once I landed a supervisor and a job building my own private practice, I struggled. I have ADHD and am not great at self-promotion, so trying to do all my own advertising, scheduling, bookkeeping, billing, and records management (on top of counselling) was an enormous strain. One my bosses, supervisors, and other senior professionals watched with a slightly critical eye, but consoled me about because in their early days, their clinics had had business managers, receptionists, filing clerks, and accountants, and getting used to doing everything online yourself was a bit of a learning curve, wasn't it?
I counted my pennies very carefully, because I had to pay my supervisor roughly $180 for their services every 6 hours of in-person counselling I did. This meant that to break even I had to charge my clients an average of about $30 (plus room rental and service fees) an hour--and my clients, being people with complex trauma, were frequently poor, disabled, unemployed, and had no health benefits, so even $10 or $20 a session was a lot for them.
Maybe it would have been easier if I could have taken some of those nice comfortable organization positions where they find clients and funding for you and you work 40 hours a week and get benefits and a pension, but I had to be disabled into the bargain, so working 40 hours a week just isn't possible for me. I start passing out from stress and exhaustion. Older colleagues gave me serious-faced advice about approaching my employer and asking them for some flexibility and accommodation in my schedule, and I tried to explain across the gap between us that employers simply did not hire me if I made the slightest noise about the workload. They weren't going to invest in me as a person; they were hiring 40 units of work a week, and if I wouldn't do it there were a dozen applicants after me who would.
At one point I broke down enough to email my licensing body because the Annual General Meeting/Professional Development Conference was coming up, and I wanted to attend, but I could not produce $500 to do it with. Was there some kind of way I could attend anyway? I felt ashamed to have to ask, and then absolutely mortified when the response came from the organization president, who needed to personally sign off on me being too poor to attend the single most important event in my profession's calendar year.
I honestly felt so ashamed all the time at how I was apparently failing to be a successful therapist, failing to be rich and successful, and every time I mentioned it around mentors and bosses, I could feel myself shrinking from a person to a problem to be solved. My closest therapist-friends and I have reflected on how much more difficult, poorly-paid and underworked, our various career starts have been than we were ever warned about. About the classmates and coworkers who couldn't get disability exceptions when they fell behind in their registration requirements, or burned out and left the field, or dropped their registrations and took up as life coaches, or moved their whole family somewhere exceptionally remote or rural because it was the only good job available, or worked for some godforsaken app skirting the bounds of malpractice like BetterHelp.
I like those conversations, because I feel less like an absolute fuck-up in them. There's less "Hey Lis, you were so talented in grad school, I really admired you, what are you doing now?" "Oh, I, uh... am professionally disabled, so I get government benefits, and I... sell embroidery patterns on Etsy now."
My own therapist kept asking if and when I felt like going back to being a counsellor, and I finally told him: I don't, actually. I don't want to go back and do it like I was doing it before. It was a profession I loved to the depths of my soul, and it profoundly did not love me back. I can't even imagine what would have to change, in me or it, to make it have a space in it that could fit me.
All of which I was way too scared to admit to at the time, because the more I let people know I was struggling, the more they hinted that maybe I just wasn't in a place in my life where this was a job I could do, and I needed to take a little break and wait to come back until money and disability just weren't issues for me anymore.
Eventually my cups of doubt and exhaustion did overflow, and I quit. I'm here now, living a much different life. And at the very least, all my years of helping people in bad life situations set me up perfectly for my own. I already knew what form to fill out for financial assistance, which student clinics to access for mental health support, and which government agency would, if pressed, cough out pharmacy coverage for the genuinely destitute. It gave me that much.
I hope this is just me being in extraordinary circumstances, sitting at the intersections of a few different shitty life situations that most people skip right past. Because it's on one level comforting, but another deeply infuriating, if I'm not, and I've just missed it or we've just all been too afraid to admit it to each other.
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