#i am going THRU it in the most excited way possible

[achilleslyre]

H.HELLO ????

[notsoattractivearenti]

1+1 = 4 (Mason Mount x Fem!Reader)

WC: 3.0K

Warnings: mention of c-section, post-surgery recovery

A/N: i haven’t written anything since last month and i’ve missed writing so here it is... dad!Mason for me and y'all my loves 🥰🫶🏻 apologies if this isn’t so good lol tbh i wrote this for my own comfort cuz it's been an extremely rough few weeks so i kinda needed this and i’m a huge sucker for my faves as attentive partner and dad fics! not to mention this is officially the longest fic I've written + posted here! hope you guys enjoy and i’d love to hear your thoughts thru ask/reply/reblog 💗 apologies for any grammatical errors! feedbacks are highly appreciated 🤍

—

You just woke up from a short nap after your C-section. Your baby was not supposed to be born for another month, but when your doctor saw the umbilical cord was wrapped around their neck during ultrasound, they told you and Mason that an emergency C-section had to be done the next day before your baby moved to the birth position. You recalled the day it happened.

—

You were really scared and nervous even though you have given birth before – but your first pregnancy and labor went smoothly so you didn’t exactly anticipate this. Plus, you had never gone through any major surgery your whole life ­– you just were not ready at all. You wanted another vaginal delivery but since the circumstances changed, you didn’t have a choice and all you cared about was your little one coming into the world safe and sound.

Mason was scared too, but he tried to conceal it from you. He just knew he had to be by your side all the time, as you were about to go through another life-changing moment but not as you planned. He was worried about the baby but even more about you ­– he felt so helpless because he basically couldn’t do anything but be there for you. If he could, he would make himself be the one who bears the pain instead of you.

On the way home after the checkup, you sat in the passenger seat and just silently stared at the road with your hand resting on top of your belly – subconsciously rubbing it sometimes – while thinking about the sudden news. Mason noticed how quiet you were, and as he drove he grabbed your hand to hold it tight.

“My dear, everything will be okay,” he said softly, “little peanut will be just fine. So will you.”

You sighed. “Maybe you’re right, but Mase...” Your voice was shaky, “I’m terrified. I really am...”

He took his eyes off the road for a second to glance at you, then kissed your hand and rubbed it with his thumbs repeatedly.

“I know, Y/N. But you’re the strongest person I’ve ever known and you’re going to get through this like the badass you are.” He assured you.

“And I will be with you the entire time and take care of you. I promise.” He added.

You smiled a little, still nervous but way less than before. You knew he was also worried yet he still gave you the comfort you needed. That is one of the things about Mason that made you fall in love with him in the first place.

“Also, picture how excited Gem will be when she finds out she’s going to meet her baby sibling soon!”

Before Mason even finished his sentence, the possible scenario was already playing in your head. You looked back to the time you and Mason broke the news to Gemma, your 4 year-old daughter – she screamed then cried out of happiness. She has been so excited to have a little sister or brother since and kept asking when will the baby be born. You could clearly imagine how she would react this time.

“Oh God,” you put your hand on your forehead and jokingly groaned, “she’s going to scream her ass off again isn’t she?”

He shook his head playfully and laughed. “Well that’s my daughter alright!”

—

During the surgery, Mason was sitting next to you the whole time, not wanting to let go of your hand. You were fully conscious since you had regional anesthesia, and to distract yourself from your anxious thoughts you and Mason chatted about the most random things – and it helped calming you down.

You both decided not to find out about your baby’s sex just like when you were pregnant with Gemma. Of course you two were curious, but you wanted to surprise yourselves. A boy or a girl, it doesn't really matter because you will love the baby regardless of the sex.

Suddenly, you both heard the sound of your baby’s cry. The doctor lifted them up so you two could see and excitedly announced, “Congratulations, it’s a girl!”

You and Mason had your mouths wide open and looked at each other immediately once you knew you had another daughter. She came to join your little family sooner than expected, but she was healthy and all your worry was gone in an instant. Mason kissed your forehead and your lips, then whispered to your ears, “Thank you baby, I’m so proud of you.”

The nurse then brought the baby to you so you could see her up close. She put her next to your face, and you could feel tears of happiness streaming down your face – the presence of your newborn girl warmed your heart.

“Hi baby girl,” you tearfully greeted your daughter, “welcome to the world! Mommy loves you so much.”

Mason watched that moment and he was left speechless. He couldn’t stop smiling and crying as he couldn’t find the words to describe the overwhelming joy and immense love he felt at the moment. He was still processing the fact that he had another girl to love for the rest of his life. As he wiped his tears, he quietly whimpered in awe, “she’s so precious… My little peanut.”

—

As you woke up from your nap post surgery, you could feel the anesthesia started to wear off. You moaned and pressed your lips together over the pain you felt on the incision area. You couldn’t really get up because when you tried to move even a little bit, it would hurt so bad. You looked around the hospital room you were in and you saw Mason sitting on the sofa near the window while holding your newborn daughter.

He didn’t take his eyes off of her even for a second, you could tell he was so in love. This reminded you of the day when Gemma was just born – once he held her in his arms, his eyes were locked on her.

You couldn’t stop staring at him as you found this moment so heartwarming and adorable. He then took a quick look at you and when he saw you were awake, a wide smile appeared on his face.

“Oh look, Mommy’s awake,” he said as he got off the sofa to come over to you, “how are you feeling sweetheart?”

“Uh… pain...” You muttered. “But don’t worry, I’m okay.”

“Oh no… I’m sorry, Y/N.” He knitted his eyebrows, the tone of his voice showed how worried he really was. “Tell me what I can do to help ease it. I’ll do anything to make you feel better.”

You smiled as his hand was stroking your arm.

“Thank you love,” you said to Mason, “but let’s just wait for the nurse. With you two here with me right now I can handle this pain.”

“By the way… Can you stop hogging my baby and hand her over to her mom?” You jokingly asked him.

“Oops, sorry!” He laughed while gently putting her on your side.

—

Few hours later, the nurse suggested you get out of bed and try walking around for a bit. Even though you were still experiencing discomfort, you gladly took her suggestion as you didn’t like laying in the bed for too long. Mason, who wasn’t fond of the idea, expressed his concern to the nurse.

“Ma’am, are you sure it’s okay? The wound on my wife’s stomach is still fresh… Isn’t it too soon?”

“Sir, I get your concern and I can guarantee you it is necessary as it is a part of the recovery. Moving around after the surgery helps the recovery process. Don’t need to worry, we’ll check in on you every so often. If you need anything, you can call us by pushing the button next to the bed.” The nurse explained to both of you in a calm manner.

Mason sighed in relief and nodded.

“Thank you,” you said to the nurse, “this is my first time going through a C-section and my husband and I have been very anxious about it. Not to mention this was unplanned so we didn’t exactly come prepared.”

“Understandable. It is normal to feel nervous, Ma’am. We are happy to help.” The nurse acknowledged your worries.

As soon as the nurse left the room, you tried to get out of bed and grimaced while one of your hands was on your wound area. Mason was getting you a glass of water when he saw you – fright was written all over his face immediately.

“Baby!” He spontaneously yelled as he rushed over to your side and helped you. out.

“Ssshh, Mase, I’m alright,” you put your arm around his neck and tried to soothe him, “just want to get up, that's all.”

“Don’t be so stubborn!” He was shaking a little – he felt a genuine fear. “My God, Y/N, you almost gave me a heart attack.”

“Oh please, don’t be a drama queen,” you couldn’t help but make fun of his reaction. “I said I’m alright, hahaha!”

He playfully rolled his eyes in response. You laughed at him and suddenly felt stabbing pain on your wound.

“Ouch!” You shouted. “Man, I can't even laugh without feeling pain!”

“Well, I’m glad you were amused but I guess no more comedy for a while for you, Mrs. Mount.” he said as he stroked your back.

Mason gently supported your body and carefully assisted you on taking your first steps post surgery. You squeezed your eyes, ground your teeth and winced as you were still experiencing the sharp pain – especially when you moved. Mason’s heart ached seeing you struggling like this, he felt guilty even but he knew nothing else he could do but support you throughout the recovery.

“Don’t rush it, sweetheart. It hasn’t been 12 hours after the surgery,” he emphasized. “Just take one little step at the time when you’re ready, okay?”

—

“Baby, Gem is coming here with my parents!” He excitedly shouted from across the room.

Your eyes widened and a squeal left your mouth when you heard that Gemma was coming. As you were in the hospital, Mason’s parents were taking care of her. You have been looking forward to the moment when your girls finally met. She had been impatiently waiting to be able to hold her baby sibling – she even practiced with her doll all the time. 

At this point you could stand up, walk, and sit down. The incision still hurt and discomfort came and went all the time but the painkiller was working well and the bliss of having a newborn was able to distract your mind from the pain. Mason had been so attentive to you and always ready to help you. He thought you needed a day to rest, therefore with your permission he respectfully asked everyone – except your parents and siblings – not to pay a visit at the hospital and wait until you all settled at your home instead. 

“Where is Gem now? Is she close? Are they here already?” You eagerly asked.

“I don’t know,” he answered, “I’ll call my mum.”

And before he even pressed call, Debbie texted him to let him know they just arrived at the hospital. He was beaming when he saw the text, and passed the news to you.

“They’re here! I’ll go get them,” he said as he kissed your forehead and got out to pick them up.

Trying not to hurt yourself, you didn’t act too excited on the outside but you sure were within. Sitting down on your bed, you pulled the baby crib closer and carefully picked her up.

“Hey little angel,” you whispered softly into her tiny ear, “you’re about to meet your big sister. She’s been waiting for you… You’re going to love her as much as she loves you.”

She made a slight smile and you noticed that. You chuckled, you thought it was like she was also excited to meet Gemma. You gave little kisses all over her cute face, and as you did that you could feel how you were completely filled with great love and glee – one more girl has stolen your heart. 

Suddenly, you heard the door was opened, followed by a little giggle you love so much. Your heart was beating really fast – it was going to be one of the biggest moments in your life – you didn’t know if you could handle your emotions when it happened.

You saw Gemma walking in with one hand holding her dad’s and the other covering her mouth. She looked so eager to finally see her baby sibling – she didn’t know it was a girl beforehand – and you wanted to see how she reacted when she found out she had a sister. Behind them were Debbie and Tony, and Debbie had already started recording with Mason’s phone. Gemma then saw you and excitedly yelled, “Mommy!”

You giggled and waved at her in response. 

“Do you want to sit next to Mommy and baby peanut, Gem?” Mason gently asked her.

“Yes Daddy! I want to see my baby peanut now!” She responded impatiently.

Mason picked her up and sat her down next to you. When she saw her sister up close, she squealed and said “Wow, baby peanut is so small and cute!”

You introduced your firstborn to your newborn.

“Gemma, meet Iris…”

She gasped and looked at both you and Mason in disbelief.

“You have a sister, Gem!” Mason cheered.

Gemma was so happy to have a sister and she started to cry. You might have pictured this beautiful moment in your head before but what really happened was a lot better than you had imagined. It was quite overwhelming to see how emotional she was and you eventually cried as well. Mason was really touched, almost shed a tear when he saw how you and Gemma were crying. He immediately grabbed some tissues from his pocket – he was aware this was going to happen – to wipe the tears off his girls’ faces.

“Mommy… Can I hold Iris?” Gemma nervously asked, her big brown eyes were still watery but you could see the sparkles of joy in them.

“Of course, sweetie.”

You carefully handed Iris onto Gemma’s lap, teaching her how to support Iris’ little body. She was so gentle and cautious, uneasy at first as if she was afraid to hurt Iris. Mason tried to ease her since he got how nervous Gemma was – he kissed the top of her head over and over again while assuring her that she was doing fine holding her sister – and it worked out even though it took a while.

Finally feeling comfortable, Gemma gently let go of one of her hands and started caressing Iris’ cheeks. Her eyes were locked in just like his dad earlier, and you just knew she was so deeply in love with her little sister. 

“She’s so beautiful, isn’t she, Gem?” Mason was beaming in awe and Gemma nodded in agreement.

Both Gemma and Mason showered Iris with kisses. The immense amount of love Iris was getting made your heart soar. You looked at your husband and your girls and thought to yourself: how did I get so lucky?

Mason then gave you a quick but passionate kiss on your lips. He looked deeply into your eyes and expressed his gratitude and appreciation for you.

“Y/N, the way you had to bear the pain to bring me two amazing kids to our life is unbelievable. You are the most incredible woman and I can never thank you enough for everything you’ve done for me, for us… I’m so lucky to have you as my wife and the mother of our girls. I will always try to make you happy, feel loved and give you everything you need and deserve because you have given me the life I’ve always dreamed of…”

You had no words and were about to cry again. You pulled him closer and pressed your lips against his – it was a moment full of tenderness and sweet affection. As your lips parted, you two whispered “I love you” to one another.

Debbie – who was still recording – and Tony were also emotional although they were trying to keep themselves together because they thought they didn’t want to ruin the beautiful moment between your little family. You then asked the grandparents to come see the newest addition to the Mount family.

“Iris Mount… Such a beautiful name, Y/N!” Tony complimented.

“That’s perfect for her! Thank you, Y/N, for giving us wonderful grandkids!” Debbie chimed in and gave you a hug.

“Uh, Mum… I contributed too, you know. Why don’t I get a thank-you? ” Mason jokingly protested.

“Yes but you weren’t the one who carried them for months and gave birth, were you?” Debbie lightheartedly replied.

You chuckled at their banter – you held yourself back from laughing as usual because it would hurt you.

With his mother clearly winning the argument, Mason humorously backed out, pouted then stated his closing statement.

“That’s true. But Y/N and I do make the most beautiful babies.”

Debbie and Tony couldn’t help but laugh at his comeback.

—

Yes, he might not be the one who was pregnant and given birth, but he has always been an amazing and present father to Gemma. No matter how tight his schedule could be, he would always make time for her daughter. He might have missed a few milestones that happened unexpectedly but other than those he never wanted to miss out so much on his daughter’s life. When he was out of town for away games, he always asked for daily updates on Gemma and called you on Facetime in every chance he got.

Mason is an ultimate girl dad and takes great pride in it. He would dress up as princess wearing a tiara and Gemma’s little dress that barely fits him and have a tea party with her, buy a makeup set she asked for, and sometimes he would show up at training wearing a headband with the biggest bow on his head because Gemma put it on him before he left. He always said he loves being a girl dad and would do it all over again – now he really gets to do it all over again…

—

taglist: @pulisicsgirl @neverinadream @masonspulisic @swimmingismywholelife @chelseagirl98 @bracedes @lovelynikol16 @thoseboysinblue @lizzypotter14 @mortirolo @masonsrem

[tokyo-daaaamn-ji-gang]

Whilst I'm at it, if the cast decided to write fanfiction, would they write, what tropes would they be fond of and who would be writing the filthiest and freakiest of smut you can think of.

Ok so assuming everyone had to write one and they couldn't say no this is what I came up with

Takemichi- superhero fic, very cliche, follows pretty much every trope. It's dedicated to Hina too (she loved reading it). It's probably got something to do with a 4 leaf clover in the name.

Mikey- Writes fic about Taiyaki kun being the hero, probably a long adventure type story, taiyaki kun rides a motorbike at one point, it's a wild read.

Draken- He'd likely be very big on the found family trope, you just know his fic would be about some rag tag group coming together and bonding to the point of becoming family (the villian is probably based on Hanma).

Hina- oh definitely romance, the hero saves the girl, the girl saves the hero. She just writes the perfect couple and then overcoming any obstacles together in their way.

Emma- Romance #2, she writes the cutest fluff you can think of.

Naoto- Probably a horror mystery with plenty of occult themes and references. He looks key really enjoys writing it so it's probably a long multiple chapter fic, with a bunch of people following it.

Kisaki- Story about the hero however with a major plot twist towards the end showing the hero was actually the bad guy. It's actually very well done and clever despite how cliche it may sound.

Hanma- ok I see two possible ones here, either he takes it seriously and writes one of the most interesting fics ever (hey he knows whats exciting and what makes a good story) or he absolutely does not take this seriously and writes the smuttiest smut to have ever smutted and attempts to annoy the others with it.

Kazutora- i think he might do something a bit different and write it in letter format, as in character's sending letter's to each other. Letter's probably mean a lot to him and he's likely the most comfortable writing in that format so he uses it in his fics.

Baji- Cat story!!!!! There's definitely some kind of big cat fight scene (baji can't resist) but ultimately it's a happy story. He probably also makes a few spelling errors but it's ok since Chifuyu helps him correct anything. 

Chifuyu- Was tempted by Baji's cat story but settles on a person romance instead. It is full of manga references and the girl eventually kisses the guy after he gave her a polkadot based surprise. Probably a soul mate au.

Mitsuya- very detailed fic, like expect everything to have every last detail described (especially people's clothes).

Hakkai- space story! Probably a self insert about him going to space and being a hero (when he comes back mitsuya is incredibly proud of him).

Pah & Peh- They do everything together including fic writing. Definitely a story about two friends (them two), is a happy story about these two friends vs the world.

Smiley- fights, fights and more fights, everyone just wants to beef each other here.

Angry- I think he would write am interactive type fic, like the type where people comment and choose what they want to happen next, I just think he'd enjoy the interactions with people.

Mucho- coffee shop/ bakery au! Actually probably writes about his friends working there, izana is the manager, kakucho the assistant manager, sanzu is a loyal customer, mucho himself prepares the cakes, the Haitani brother's face the customers, mochi handles the drive thru and shion is the dishwasher who keeps breaking things. 

Sanzu- definitely a royalty au about a king and his loyal soldier. 

Inui- probably heavily use the miscommunication causes the main issue trope, he's seen it irl and knows it really can cause a bunch of problems.

Koko- probably a fix it fic, writes about a fire but this time no one dies, the girl gets saved and ends up happily living with her rescuer. This is probably actually something he uses to work through his regrets.

Yuzuha- a cute fic about a sister protecting her brother, she probably beats all the bad guys easily (and the brother's phone lockscreen is of the sister)

Izana & Kakucho- they work together to make another royalty au but this one focusing on the king and his kingdom, the story of this king creating his new world.

Ran- oh definitely a very obvious self insert story. The main character? Flawless hair, everyone loves him, has a little brother who adores him, dresses famously, treated like a celebrity. The guys name is probably like nar or something. Just basically his perfect life, tries to make it very poetic too.

Rindou- probably actually a song fic, the type with lyrics to match the mood. He just expresses himself a lot through music so brings it into his writing too.

Shion- another one with a self insert fic, this one really does go over the top though. Writes himself to practically conquer the world, winning every fight he gets into. 

Senju- Probably a fun adventure fic, I think she would also be pretty big on it being a family adventure/ a found family adventure. 

Wakasa- ok idk exactly why but he gives me those text fic vibes, where two characters are texting each other. I feel like he'd actually kinda unexpectedly enjoying making it too. 

Benkei- Another fic very high on the action, a lot of fights, the characters are likely based on the 1st gen Black dragons.

Shinichiro- Say's he's going to write smut but then gets too embarrassed and ends up with fluff instead. 

South- ok I think he'd also write a kinda lyric fic but instead of lyrics he'd just straight up put musical notes down. He's just so passionate about it and doesn't really care if others don't understand what those mean (he'd passionately explain it to anyone who asked though)

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

intimidated by the trip cus its the first time in forever i been anywhere without slimbo who is my autism handler w/ the ability to notice even the slightest change in my facial expression showing i am getting uncomfortable but. it excites me having tthe chance to prove to myself again i can still navigate unfamiliar situations in an independent way .. like i was flying to england by myself when i was 17 i used to relish in these type of challenges all thru early adulthood n im glad to kno that part of me is still present. alwaus get nervous beforehand but then as soon as i get going its like the most alive i can possibly ffeel and oh god i love the city i do i dooo

[coccyodynia]

things:

hi wow what a time im having!

spent the weekend with lillian in louisville and that was really fun and i missed her a lot so that was nice

last thursday justin and i went to a show together on a whim and it was probably the most Connected and Seen and Cared For i've felt in a little while

he just walked in the door and immediately told me to get ready to go to a show bc we were already running late and i was like UHHH OKAY? and he bought my ticket

it was kind of an affirmation that i've chosen a life and built a life that works for me in a lot of ways, it's kind of self-serving now

i really consider lillian and justine and justin to be my family now... i dont really have positive feelings toward my family in general and thinking about family dynamics and relationships is very hard for me

but when people speak positively about their family relationships, i see that as the way i feel and speak about my closest friends

i just want to surround myself with my friends as much as physically and socially possible while i kind of Heal™ and Grow™ because they are the only way i'm gonna really get thru it

i often still have a pretty hard time with some dreams i have at night spilling into the next day, they're just sort of disturbing or leave me feeling really unsettled :/

for a really long time i never remembered my dreams or never slept well enough to even actually have dreams

but now i'm generally sleeping better (new mattress yay) and longer (benadryl and tylenol and muscle relaxers yay) and also working thru trauma/ptsd stuff pretty regularly so that leaks out in my dreams now

that just means i'm having more vivid dreams and I DONT LIKE IT

anyway i've been totally sober and straight edge for 48 days which is nice and im happy about it i really really am

it genuinely kind of feels like a cheat code or loophole i found

i think if i was still trying to get sober to say i was sober and without the commitment and return to my community i wouldn't have made it this far

im excited to be alive even when i have difficult days (like today)

i love you all thank you for reading this

bye

[irxnmaiden]

(various topics meme) 15, 18, 26, and 29. :)

rpc thoughts/opinions prompt! [✉️]

#15. icons

icons are rly fun honestly! i think they have the ability to add a lot of personality to a scene, and sometimes can assist in establishing context or helping to emphasize tone. THAT all said, i don’t find them necessary at all—i’m primarily here to read threads, so icons or no icons, the writing is where my focus remains and my interests lie!! i don’t bypass blogs just bc they go icon-less, in fact its oftentimes the opposite? i love seeing how ppl can use their words alone to paint the entire picture. whichever way someone chooses to express their muse is valid tbh, do what feels comfortable!

#18. fanon interpretations

throw a stone and hit any of my muses, and it's apparent how over-the-top and carried away i get from canon lmao... pkmn is the perf franchise for it too; not only are the settings vast and the thematic concepts plentiful, but there is often a lot of negative space to fill on these muses’ canvases (this seems esp true for most canon characters in the earlier games). i aim for my interpretations to feel realistic (to some degree) so i do keep in mind the little canon i am given... but that’s still more for reference, and not something i strictly abide by. its thrilling how ppl have fun w their muses’ exploits and interpersonal relationships, i’m so here for how muns deviate from canon in order to conceptualize something entirely new.

yes i understand in retrospect i absolutely did not understand the topic lmao

#26. your character

jasmine, jasmine... i will never forget witnessing her for the first time ;; it was after school, while watching my friend nick play gold before a crowd of like 12 of us (he was that kid that always had new games right when they came out lol his family had it made like that). he was just reaching the jasmine gym battle by the time i walked up. as you can imagine, being an elementary schooler i was not using the internet as it was back then much at all, so leaks etc were not accessible to me (what few leaks existed at the time, that is); same was true for p much everyone else in my grade, so none of us had any idea about the slayage we were in for. we all saw the two magnemite and kinda brushed them off like “lmao that’s cute”, the disappointment was kinda real ngl 💀 but that disappointment didn’t last long whatsoever, bc the second she sent steelix out... the collective gasps in that lunchroom, lemme tell you! it was quite possibly the greatest thing any of us had ever seen in our lives up to that point, so serious when i say lives were changed that day ;;

so then when i finally received the game a couple months later, i was so excited to get to her gym and battle her for myself. i fell more in love going thru the amphy plotline, and the rest was history as they’d say. she was (and still is) a v overlooked character, but writing her is tons of fun c: (as is seeing her get some exposure from pokemas!) srry this was long-winded as HELL-

#29. your first muse

for the pkmn fandom, my first ever muse was (surprise) misty! this was back on lj, in a community that prob died out in 06 lmao. she was a lot of fun to explore, and became the perf gateway muse before i decided to try exploring diff personalities within the pkmn universe. ive written her since several times, and she’s grown into a more developed muse of mine following that first incarnation for sure. always will have a soft spot in my heart for miss kasumi ♡

[reynangrosas]

"YES, I AM BEING NICE BUT I AM NOT FLIRTING"

So this is the blog entry which probably the most difficult to make. But I made it anyway for me to have a record of the experience and learnings it thought me. This is in relation to what I have mentioned in my past blog post regarding our Company Outing this 2023. I said on the ending remark that I didn't get to enjoy much because something is making me uncomfortable. Ooh, I was reminded of Kyungsoo’s ever famous line in 100 Days My Prince—

Anyways, getting back to this blog entry, let me narrate the story.

⚠️ Trigger warning: This post might cause you to overthink ✌🏼

It was March 15, Wednesday when my world was stirred up— like my inner peace has been shattered big time! I remember being so excited when I woke up because I have this new office outfit I bought recently and I plan to wear it. I even had a hard time ironing it because the fabric is cotton linen 😆 and we don't have steaming iron. I thought it would be a normal day, just like the Wednesdays of the past weeks.

When I got to work, the first thing I did is to wash my tumblr bottle in our Office Pantry. I was washing it peacefully when one of my co-workers entered. I can confidently say that I am friends and close to all of my co-workers so my natural reaction and response is of course, to greet him good morning. Yeah, a male co-worker.

He greeted me back and I just continued doing my business. Though I was facing backwards, I can sense that he's not doing anything and just standing there so I thought maybe he needs to ask something from me. When I finished, I asked him. “Yes Sir?”

He said that “Pwede ka bang makausap Ma'am?”

Of course my response would be, “Tungkol saan?” Yes, I'm used to talking to them without honorifics such as “po” or sometimes “opo” but I always try to sound respectful thru calling them “Sir” and “Ma’am”.

He was hesitant to answer and he keeps on looking around, especially at the sliding door. His behavior gave me a creepy feeling but I immediately disregarded it because I have known him for quite a long time. I just repeated my question and this time with a use of courtesy, “About po saan, Sir?”

He smiled and said, “Gusto sana kitang makausap ng heart to heart.”

I tried to relax as the first thing I had in mind was maybe he's having some problems about his life. As the HR of our clinic and as a Psychology major, there are instances where employees go to us in Psychology Department to have a chat about something that is bothering them— wether about work, their personal lives, shopping online and many more. So I thought, his concern would just be the same. I'm thinking maybe it's about of his family— he's in his 40’s, married and has 4 children if I remember it correctly.

I'm trying to stay calm and my response to him was “Ano po ba yon?”

He's hesitation to answer is really giving me creeps as I can remember.

He finally speak up and with a serious face, saying “May gusto ako sayo, Ma'am.”

You know that feeling when you do the ice bucket challenge? I felt that and it wasn't nice. I can still remember how I'm getting cold sweats but I really am trying my best to relax and stay calm as possible. I even laughed and said, “Luuuh, Si Sir oh. Hahahahaha.”

I don't wanna go through the transcript of that conversation, let's speed up things a little.

He said many things while I was just standing there listening and hoping that no one will ever heard this conversation.

He said he's serious about what he said and he's telling to me how he can't sleep at night thinking about me— I found this absurd. He said he became fond of me because I looked so approachable, bright and cheerful all the time. He claims to know that what he feels is wrong and he just wanted for me to know how he felt because he thinks it is the only way he could free his mind— this is another thing I find absolutely absurd. Also according to him, he even consulted some of his friends to seek advise about what's the best thing to do about his feelings. His so-called friends agreed that he should say it.

I might looked calm and relaxed on the outside while just standing there but my insides were very disgusted and disturbed— especially when how he's done speaking, where it seems like he's waiting for my answer.

I pulled myself together while trying to wake up the Psychologist within me— and this time, I wish to draw a boundary and so I spoke to him in a mannered way. I tried to counteract his interpretation of my personality — “Baka po natutuwa lang kayo sa pagiging jolly ko, Sir. Thank you po, I appreciate the admiration but I'm not in anyway interested.” This might not the exact words I said but it was something like this and what's important for me is to convey the idea that I AM NOT INTERESTED.

To his defense, he said, “Alam ko naman Ma'am. Gusto ko lang talagang masabi sayo para gumaan ang pakiramdam ko.” The he extended his arms for a handshake, which I accepted. He said thank you and sorry.

Right then and there, I thought it ended. I returned to our room which is just across the Pantry. I sat down on my chair still trying to process what the hell just happened? I started praying for Kevin, my co-Psychometrician to arrive so I have companion. The door opened and it was that co-worker again. My thoughts goes like— is it not over yet ? Like how many times should I deal with this cryptic feeling today?

He asked if he could have a friendly hug. I was hesitant but my thoughts went like “maybe there's nothing wrong with it.” It was a short friendly hug hoping that it was the end of it.

After he left, the first thing I did is to disinfect. Yeah, I'm such a maarte girl and I told you I am disgusted. I sprayed a lot of alcohol all over my body. I was hoping that alcohol can disinfect my eyes, ears and innocent mind too, haha.

I remember wanting to go home so bad. I had to spent some more time alone before Kevin finally arrived, thanks God. I just cannot disclose it to him yet as I was still processing everything and it's hard. But his presence is so reassuring that it might prevent that co-worker from coming back.

I still don't know how the hell I survived that Wednesday. But looking back, I'd like to commend myself for being able to focus on work and still do my job after all the shitty happenings. I keep on hypnotizing myself fo just forget what happened.

It was hell for me during the night. My self hypnosis isn't working anymore as I tend to overthink. I completely forgot how I was supposed to be happy because of the new office outfit. I was also granted a monthly allowance not to long ago and I received the money. Keeping yourself busy is really one if the best way to get your mind distracted with your problem. But by the time you finished your tasks, it can't be helped but to face the reality again. Even though I want to forget what happened, it's just impossible! Common, who's not gonna overthink if this shit happens to them? I decided not to tell anyone yet about this— not even my family. I did want to tell this to Honie and Aira but it's hard to explain thru chat as we cannot see each other yet 🥺

I'm planning to sort out my thoughts first so I get back on my pace. My profession is being challenged as it was me who's having a mental breakdown. I tried to sort my thoughts even if it's really hard. I was put on the spot and iwas a very unimaginable thing to happen. I unfriended and blocked him on Facebook.

Almost everyday, he's having a video call with his kids and his wife. Oftentimes during working hours and even after duty— and it seems that they were okay and in good terms. Well, I could be wrong and they maybe having problems but that's not for me to deal and I am not interested. He's a stay-in employee by the way, so video calls are really necessary I guess. I didn't want to tell anymore specifiers which might lead to his identity.

I questioned myself, “Did I do something for him to develop such feelings? Did I show a motive, or did I gave a wrong signal, things like that.” It doesn't seem to be the case because I knew that my relationship with all my co-workers were more or less on the same level. I don't have any special treatment to any of them. I can confidently say that I am consistent with my behavior towards each of them. How I treat that co-worker is not different with how I treat Kevin or any of my co-workers, no matter what their status is.

I reflected on myself, “How do I behave around that person?” It's not like I'm being flirty with anyone else. Also, we are not working in the same department. It's not like we are together everyday. So yeah, I really find it weird. About what he said about me being approachable, bright and cheerful— well, that's just me being me. I even considered changing my behavior— to stop from being sociable and friendly. However, I knew it's not gonna work because personality is not something you can easily change overnight. In addition to that, I am a Human Resources Personnel. My job requires me to establish good connection with all the employees and so far, I have no problem doing that.

I can't help but to lose my respect for him. I'm a firm believer of respect should be imposed— it should be given to everyone without any bias— whether you know the person or not. But if you have valid grounds or reasons as to why you loose respect to certain someone, then it should be right to say as well that respect should also be earned or much in a better term, maintained. What happened is enough for me to say that I completely loose the respect I have for him.

He is married and has children. His focus should be on them. He should take responsibility for the family he started. When a married person entertained the thought of being attracted to someone and worse, acted towards that feeling, he is already cheating emotionally to his partner. No matter how you sugar coat things, cheating is cheating.

I was also disgusted how he claims to have consulted his so-called friends about his dillema. His friends probably knew that he has family and yet gaslighted him to confessing his feelings— It’s very alarming. Instead of talking to his friends, why didn't he discuss it with his wife? That could probably make a big difference and things might be sorted accordingly.

The next thing I would like to point out is about his claims that he knew what he feels is wrong— knowing that it is wrong and yet tell me? He's not thinking right. He said he wanted for me to know his feelings because he thinks it is the only way he could free his mind? No, I don't think that's what it was. He told me that so I can be burdened by the thought. By telling me, there is clearly something that he wants to happen. But sorry, I'm not sorry. I would never ever wanna sign up for that.

With what happened, I can't help but to look back on things which I didn't seem to notice then. I realized, he's always liking all my facebook posts and stories. I've never given any malicious thoughts about it because there are other consistent people close to me doing it and I myself generously hearts reacts whenever I wanted to. There are Fridays where he gets off works together with me and Kevin. He usually says, “Ma’am, sabay ako sa inyo pa-Monumento”— Back then I didn't gave any meaning with it. I find it normal. There are many more things that he did and said which when I looked back, I can't help but to find it cryptic. Yuck! 🤮

The very next day, Thursday, I have no will to get up for work. It felt like my eyes were shut for the night but my thoughts kept on running— but still I tried my best to get ready. I remembered praying that hopefully I will never have any interaction with that co-worker anymore. I arrived at the office quietly, not greeting most employees I'm meeting in the hallway. I wanted to drink wanted coffee but I'm hesitant whether to make one in the office pantry because now, I have a not-so-good memory in there. I went it anyway— coffee is life, especially I didn't get a good sleep. I could only just pray to let there be another staying in the pantry so I'm not alone. I'm delighted to see that there is Kakhie, he is our releasing staff, our youngest employee and not to mention he is also a stay-in staff. He's preparing for work and just took a bath— our comfort room is also inside the Pantry. I greeted him good morning and proceeded in washing my coffee mug and preparing my coffee. Unfortunately, I heard a familiar voice— he's there again. But since Kakhie was with us, I feel somewhat better. My peripheral vision can obviously get a gist of what's happening around me. Kakhie was speaking to him and he said, “Alak pa more” and then laughed. As much as I try to ignore, I saw that he is walking with a limping foot. There are people who are intoxicated with alcohol with this symptom. He then asked Kakhie if he saw some papers in the pantry. Kakhie said no and suggested a different place to look. I speed up making my coffee and left the Pantry but I can clearly sense that he followed me since our room is just across it. I didn't know that I'm this good at maintaining my composure nor little did I know that my patience could be this long. I wish to end things yesterday. I sat down in my chair as I asked, “Yes po?”

There is this chair across me where I usually interview patients— he sat there. He's saying sorry once again. He said that he reflected about everything last night and realized what he did is probably wrong. I was getting high hopes for I was disappointed when he said, “Pero masakit kasi talaga, alam kong mali pero ang hirap kalimutan.”

Napaka sad boi ang pota. Hindi na ko natutuwa, and I can't bear to hear anything anymore. I'm probably frowning and making face that time, I'm sure.

What made be furious is when he asked for another hug with a gesture getting close to me. I immediately waived my hand as a sign, “No Sir. Stop. I already did that yesterday, so enough na po yon.” Yeah, I am one of those people na napapa english pag galit na. He then said, “Handshake na lang, Ma'am.”

Again, I said no and shook my head as a sign of refusal. I took the time to explain and give my side once and for all. It did cross my mind last night to resign— but my thoughts will immediately go like, “You did nothing wrong, so why do you have to leave?”

I did plan to make him hear my point of views in a frank way. I began my words thru saying the harsh truth that I feel sorry for his family, especially for his children. It's a shame that they have a Father who has a weak heart and mind— Yeah, I didn't care anymore. If he's hurt then that's it— deserved

I speak up of how I was disgusted by everything he spewed, that my mental health became at risk and how it crossed my mind to resign.

“I don't exactly know what I did for you to feel that way towards me so I'm not gonna apologize or whatever. I can safely say that that my conscience is clean and I didn't do anything wrong so I can't understand why do I need to experience this kind of stress?” Sinabi ko din na “HR ako dito Sir so please know your boundaries. Magaling ako makisama pero I can also cut toxic people in my life.” It really feels good being this tactful. I can believe I was able to say all these things. I feel empowered in a sense.

After my turn to speak, he tried to reassure me that, “Wala kang kasalanan Ma'am, ako lang talaga. ”

Yun na nga eh, I did nothing wrong! I wish I could say, ”Sabi mo nag-isip ka pero parang hindi naman.”

He then added, “Kaya ko nga sinasabi na mahirap and masakit pero kailangan kong gawin.”

I rolled my eyes! Ayan na naman kasi linyahang nakakasuka na parang nagpapaawa and teary-eyed. Sad boy, kadiri.

I threw another line at him, “Alam mo Sir, magfocus ka na lang sa mga anak mo. Kung may problem kayo sa family, hindi solusyon ang paghanap ng iba, nakakadiri. Kung wala ka ng magawa, mag-pray ka na lang. Ipagpe-pray din kita na sana maliwanangan ka.” Yeah, I exploded. I think my limits has been reached.

He stood up and said sorry multiple times and attempted to do another handshake which I refused. “No is a no. No more handshake po. Mag-pray ka lang Sir. Kulang ka yata sa dasal.” Then I ignored him. I looked at my computer and he completely left. Nanginginig ako, sobra— sa inis and sa sobrang stress na din siguro.

I made sure to fix myself before Kevin arrived. I don't know if he noticed it but I've been gloomy as I remembered having a headache that day. I've been also contemplating whether to tell him what happened or not.

Kakanood ko ng Kdrama, I even overthink na baka one of these days bigla na lang sumugod asawa nya and bigla akong sabunutan— yeah, nakaabot po ang overthinking ko sa ganito, jusko. And the hardest part of it is the fact na alam ko naman na wala as in wala akong ginagawang mali.

That day Kevin got off work at 5pm. Nagpaalam naman sya sakin if he could go home early. I'm anxious about being alone in our room but I allowed him anyway. I couldn't tell him yet, ang hirap maka tyempo. When he left, I resorted into locking the door which I don't usually do. I'm getting anxious whenever I hear footsteps. I'm trying to be brave. See the trauma it gave me? I can only just sigh.

It became a routine for me to drop by at the Laboratory to say goodbye before going home but I decided to break that routine anymore. Right now, I'm keeping myself away from the Laboratory. It's kinda sad because I have so many good memories in there and it became one of my comfort places during the past years, especially when I used to assist Sir KC.

The next day, Friday, I was very happy because I met Kevin in the LRT on my way to work. I was relieved that we entered the office together. How I wish it could be like this daily.

After a week, I believe it was the next Thursday when I finally had the time and courage to tell other people about what happened. It was in the afternoon when we finished early with work. Fortunately, Sir KC went to see me about some work-related stuff. Actually, I've been wanting to tell this to Sir KC. He's the most suited person to hear this story. Not just he's our Clinic Manager but also he's the Chief Med Tech so he has jurisdiction over the Laboratory. I asked him if he could stay for a while because I have something to tell to him and Kevin as well. I locked the door, and they became anxious about what is it that I'm going to tell them.

I began narrating the story and they were as shocked as I am.

Sir KC went like, “Baka naman nagbibiro lang sya?” You see, Sir is very like me. We always practice giving the benefit of the doubt. But I said, “Sana nga Sir eh nagbibiro lang para sana hindi ako na-awkward ng ganito.”

Even Kevin finds this whole thing “weird” as he also pointed out that we don't have much interaction on a daily basis.

Sir KC is also one of the stay-in employees. After the listening to my story, Sir KC expressed how he can't believe it because every night, he's also a witness of how he's in call with his family and they don't seem to be in any conflict.

See? This is what I'm talking about. It's terrifying how a relationship appears to be completely fine and yet the other person doesn't know that the other one is slowly having thoughts of infidelity. What a really scary world we are in. Hindi pa ko nag-aasawa pero parang ayoko na dahil sa mga ganitong traumatic scenarios.

I confessed how was scared of being alone every morning and how anxious I get everytime Kevin decides to get off work at 5pm.

Sir KC told me, “Act civil na lang Ma'am, HR ka at empleyado din sya. Kapag umaga, pumunta ka na lang muna sa ibang Department para mo na kailangan mag lock ng pinto at matakot.”

It feels very reassuring to know that they are siding with my innocence— by telling me that I'm not in any way at fault for all these.

It feels really really great after letting some people knew. Something heavy has been lifted inside me. I'm amazed on myself about how I carried this burden alone for the past week.

I carried on with my employee life after everything that has happened. I completely mastered how to ignore him and I don't go the Laboratory unless, absolutely necessary.

I began drafting this post on July 15 so it's been a four months since it happened. And yes, this is the reason why I didn't enjoy much during our Company Outing and Team Building last April 29-30. I was still anxious because I'm afraid with the thought that someone will keep on checking me out. I guess I was traumatized?

As of now, I'm slowly getting my pace back. We are not interacting at all which is what I really wanted. One thing is for sure. I won't change the way I socialize with people just because of what happened. I knew myself better than anyone else. As much as possible, I always want to have a harmonious relationship with people around me. If people misunderstood or misinterpret my kind actions, it's probably them who's problematic.

[thekidsarentalright]

ok bestie i’ve been thinking abt the setlist for so long bc i’m gonna be at the first show(!!) which is like. terrifying in a good way lmao 😭 i’m like “how much are they gonna damage me emotionally with this set?” so i have a Lot of thoughts lmaooo

for stardust songs, the title track would fuck me up the most, i’m SO hoping for that one… but if there’s only a few songs from it i think what a time to be alive is my other biggest hope just bc i rlly want to scream the bridge 😭 but i’ve Also been wanting i am my own muse as an opener… idc if it’s unlikely, that would go so hard!! tbh i’d be fine with any of the songs from stardust bc that album is glorious. pete could literally do baby annihilation and i’d be cheering lol

also YESSS to the idea of rotating songs!! especially if they’re like what tswift does for surprise songs. that would be amazing bc it makes whatever song u get special, yk? esp if they’re songs that haven’t been played in a long time (or ever! my tswift show got songs she’d never played live before and it was Fucking Insane, so i rlly want fob to do something similar and just go crazy w it)

also rlly excited abt deep cuts/older songs… if they do headfirst slide or calm before the storm again i think i’ll faint. absolutely can’t believe those are the realistic options lmao… everything abt that is insane. i think there was an interview from like last year where they got asked abt gin joints and were like “maybe we’ll have to learn that one again” so i’m also hoping for that! or if we’re getting more unrealistic… god there’s so many songs i’d wish for 😭 bishops knife trick or jet pack blues would actually destroy me. or lake effect kid!! and ofc, manifesting tkaa for u <33

- 🧋 anon

SO sorry for answering this two days late i got so distracted but AUGH i forgot you were going to the very first show that is SO scary and exciting, ur gonna have to come tell me all about it im living vicariously thru u going so im basically going too <3 fksjdnfs

i SO hope they do the title track but if theyre only doing a few from stardust like pete (known liar) said, i 100% feel u with what a time to be alive, that's my number one absolute hope to hear too, but yeah literally any stardust song would be great. i am a huge proponent of fob is so good they could play literally any song and i wouldnt fucking care it would be a joy to hear live!!!!

YESSSS i am so so manifesting something like that like. how special would it be if each show got a slightly different set?? esp if it was songs they never really do like u said!!! idk the likelihood of that but with how they're hyping up this tour, saying it's visually unlike anything we've seen before and that they're playing older songs idk... i feel like anything is possible!!!

literally if u told me a year ago realistic setlist options for fob were headfirst slide and calm before the storm i would pass out i cant believe that bro!!!! also cant believe gin joints is also a possibility??? like ohhh my god we r gonna be fed so well. im wishing for all the same unrealistic ones as u for real, i got to hear lake effect kid during my second mania tour show and my god i would LOVE to hear it again. also think them debuting like. bob dylan or super fade or something would be incredible but. very unrealistic kjfnsdkfj

[szif]

hey. i know how you feel. ive been thru that exact state several times, be that any reason, internal or external. but i don't want you to sink down to the level of "i dont care about anything and i suck anyway so its fine", its the easier route, i know, but dont lose yourself in it. i can speak in place of many people following you now that i value what you do, no matter your skill in it or knowledge of it. you dont have to think of your only possible future as "i will be in a position where people will still look down on me" or "i will be a member of something public that by the average person will be seen as a nuisance". you still have many possibilities ahead of you, even if you think thats not true. i also would appreciate if i got help with my mental hijinx, but until that opportunity, youve got to remember: there is someone, or some people, who genuinely enjoy seeing you just be. who value your work regardless of performance. who will want to see you be happy and succeed, and even if you wont, they will value your effort. who wont care about your regular jumping interests and will just be happy hearing you have something youre excited about.

there will come better times, and there will be good company surrounding you. i promise.

anon you just struck my heart with lightning at least three times at the same place. oh god. it's true, is it not? for all of us? better times have to come once, but that's in the future. nobody knows when that'll happen. and it's extremely hard to believe in something you have no date or proof of. i guess i just feel so stupid and so below everybody else right now. and it seems like people also do not mind showcasing it around me. it's just so... soulcrushing. you get built up and get destroyed and built up and destroyed over and over again. and it seems like the "built up" part lasts way less for me lately. but it's true right? i mean. it'll be fine, because if it's not fine then it's not the end? something like that has to be.

it feels... sooo against i dont know. society? just the build up of everything around me? to be the way i am generally? it just feels like people don't even wish to breathe the same air as people like me because they (were conditioned to not want) don't want to acknowledge the existence of people unlike them? and it's really hard to ignore it because instead of certain aspects of you shunned you get your entire self shunned and wanted to be eradicated. that's simply way too much for me to deal with on my own

it'll be fine. i mean, didn't people talk to me? didn't they actually, from their own volition, came to me? don't i have my friends? don't i have people wanting my company? didn't i get you, who decided to write this? trying to comprehend it, there's so many people. and people care. they surely do. 96% of them don't, that's for sure. but i surely love that 4% i can be with. and there's people who feel the exact same as me, or perhaps even worse, and they probably also won't put me under the tires like the way others do. there's simply just. a lack of clarity for how it's supposed to be. and i don't exactly have people i could specifically confide in with. and there's a lot going on. .... it's not really the time to be sad about all of these? i can manage. like i am actually quite strong and capable of doing this, no? been doing that for a while. and i did so, SO many things to build myself up and keep myself together and i put in so much effort to be. and that's not something most people HAVE to do. they can't do what i did and they will never be able to. so i think i'm doing good, i think.

it..... surely gets okay. eventually. thank you so much for saying things to me. i didn't actually think that somebody would do it. you actually went "i think i should say something" and you took the time to say something. that is. so. kind. it's... very human. thank you.

[strobingthingsfoundindumpsters]

hi

ashley, local idiot here. 

it’s been a while. 

i published like four new fics all at once which i feel like i should announce here because that’s actually what i use this tumblr for BUT i will reward you for dealing with the shameless self-promo with some Ashley Factz: 

i have been: 

- staying in my family’s cottage in Svalbard to sort out some FUCKING ISSUES  (you need to know only three things about Svalbard: 1) cold as shit, like really cold as shit, like in the arctic circle level of cold as shit. 2) internet is crappy on a good day, hence the sheer excitement of being able to actually post something the last couple of days because i have been leeching off my neighbours and their better internet. 3) your neighbour is probably a polar bear and that’s going to make you shit a brick 

anyways! here’s my exploits: 

- i have shovelled so much snow that i have broken two antique snow shovels 

- i discovered that cement can get old in the worst possible way (poured really expired cement all over my basement and then had to scrape up the nasty) 

- broke an actual modern snow shovel that i bought in an actual hardware store that i hiked to because I Do Not Possess A Legal Proof Of My Ability To Drive Although I DID Grow Up In The Boondocks And Therefore Like Every Shitty Lil Country Kid, I Drive Better On Country Roads Than Most City Slickers And Have And WILL AGAIN Drive Thru A Nasty Blizzard 

- stole a cat 

- lost a grown human man 

- fended off a mean reindeer with a cane (not mine) and broke it (felt really bad, because not my cane) (cane belonged to the grown man i lost) (these two facts are not related) 

- contracted nasty influenza despite being completely isolated from people whose faces i do not regularly kiss and also polar bears 

- learned that i am capable of lifting a grown man out of an outhouse hole that the idiot fell into, after i’m finished laughing 

- learned that i am willing to shove my hand into said poop-hole i fished idiot man out of if there’s keys dropped down there

anyways! hope y’all have had a lovely year so far! 

(for the record yes, this does mean that i, ashley, local woman, has a body count of three snow shovels. i don’t know what to do about that fact.) 

[scottsupremacy]

hey, its the anon who sent an ask abt scrolling thru ur blog b4 reading the fic and being excited!!! WHY DID YOU SAY ID BE DISAPPOINTED. WHYD YOU SAY ID BE HORRIFIED. WHYD YOU SAY ID BE LET DOWN. YOU LIED. you lied to my face. THIS WAS LITERALLY ONE OF THE BEST FICS IVE EVER READ. i dont mean to be yelling and slightly insane in ur ask box but DUDE!?!? i just HAVE to tell you how NOT disappointed i am, that was fucking incredible. i am completely obsessed with and enthralled by the way you write not only scott and mike, but every character in the fic. completely in love with your versions of them. and youre right, none of it was what i was expecting, and THATS A GOOD THING!! i had NO idea what was gonna happen next with every chapter. it was completely mindblowing in the most positive way. some of my favorite things in the fic had to be the roadtrip, the scene with the gun and mikes reaction and scotts complete lack of care was absolutely incredible. also, LOVE the way you write mike's alters, their interactions with scott are FANTASTIC. mani comes off as such a bastard and i adore it. i really love the dynamic that he has with scott. i also thoroughly enjoyed the scene in recent chapters with the bathtub. i love how absolutely deranged mike is, seeing from both their perspectives and reading about both of their feelings is so fulfilling to me. its totally indescribable the way i feel abt their characterization i just have to scream. anyways. scott being loopy and highly emotional and PROBABLY NEEDING TO GO TO A HOSPITAL after was really awesome to read. i loved his interaction with jo. mike's reaction to all of that was. so. SO. URFUGHKFDSJ. i need to eat them both alive. OH, and when theyre being really domestic and living together, its absolutely delightful. ahhh i wish i could say more but i REALLY dont want to just. spout a bunch of spoilers here, so im trying to be as vague as possible. i am so insane about your fic. traumatize these critters more. thank you so much for sharing your writing. - still anon bc im nervous but would genuinely love to yap to you like. for real. i dunno man. im rambling but YOURE EPIC

^ actual photo of me overcome with genuine human emotion over this wall of text

[tineymang]

i talked a bit abt this before and i decided to just go with it! so Wahoo i am making posts talking abt my guys now :] i have so many thoughts about them

SO when i was thinking abt things i would post abt team epic squad i figured a good place to start would be thru describing some of their personalities! like a lil introduction post yk.....

also heres their reference posts!! in case anyone was wondering who was who

team epic squad

lumi

circuit: somehow, despite everything that happens in eos's story, circuit remains quite possibly the goofiest guy ever. a guy that can endear even the most hardened of dark future pokemon (dusknoir) they love to crack jokes, and will often jokingly tease their friends too. theyre not incapable of taking things seriously, but because of their tendency to cope with things through humor, it can come across that way. they can be very impulsive, often jumping straight into situations without thinking about the consequences beforehand. they are also very stubborn, even moreso then a certain grass type partner of theirs. they have many hills and they will die on All of them. they're almost always at either 100% or 0%, and there is little to no inbetween. in general, they're always loud and out there, and have no problem with making their presence known. some pokemon tend to be offput by them on first meetings, but they don't let that stop them (mostly). though, despite how open they tend to be emotionally, they don't really have the right words for talking about some of the things that bother them. without a proper outlet for their feelings, circuit mostly just attempts to ignore those thoughts in the hopes they go away. this, unfortunately, does not work. whoopsies! mello: in stark contrast to her partner, mello is very reserved. she's prone to anxiety and overthinking, so she often prefers to do nothing at all instead of messing up like she fears she will. in conversation she's generally pleasant and polite, but she's more relaxed and casual with pokemon she's comfortable with. she's not a natural at picking up on social cues, but has learned how to from repeated practice. she doesn't have a lot of confidence in herself, and has problems saying no to people. in spite of many pokemon's first impressions of circuit, mello always admired how they were able to be so open in a way she couldn't. over the course of eos' story, she slowly starts gaining more confidence in herself. her anxiety never fully goes away, but she learns how to manage it when it does come around. she also starts writing a journal following the events of temporal tower! she finds it's a good way for her to express her feelings in a healthy way. as she gains more confidence in herself, she also becomes more comfortable expressing herself! she gets very passionate about the things she's interested in, and she can spend hours talking about them. she can get very absorbed into her hobbies, to the point where she has trouble pulling herself away from them. all in all shes just trying her best :]

stripe: though stripe has never had much of a pronounced presence within team epic squad, that doesn't make their role any less significant! she's much more of a listener then a talker, and tries to prop up those around her. they can be pretty objective, and most of the advice they give tends to follow suit. they like to be punctual and organized, and can get irritated if things are in disarray. in general, she's always been one to want to slow down and appreciate the lesser noticed things in life.

mana: they take a lot after their parents! they can be like what seems like an endless fountain of energy, always finding something to be excited about. they're very empathetic, and have a strong sense of right and wrong. despite what some may assume of them, they can also be very observant when a situation calls for it. though, another thing mana gets from their parents is an occasional penchant for mischief. sometimes, this includes intentionally risky activities mana does specifically to give circuit and mello a heart attack. mana insists they're able to handle themselves, though!

luna: having been around for over 100 years now, luna has seen many things. but despite her age, conversation is not exactly one of her strong points. she isn't very used to having casual talks with other pokemon, and often comes off as stilted and overly formal as a result. she's polite to a fault, and there's little that can shake her from her cordial front. though, if something were to draw her ire, she can be very.... intense. having spent so long trying to prevent darkrai's world of darkness, luna struggles with knowing what to do now that darkrai is no longer a danger. she feels the need to constantly be doing something to help, even over her own needs. she's uh. she's got a Lot going on i'll tell you that much

lumi: despite being at an age where she's able to speak, lumi often chooses not to. instead she will usually communicate through various emotive sounds, or just by nonsense syllables string together. she has a strong sense of adventure, and is endlessly curious about the world around her. she pretty much needs to be supervised at all times, or else she'll be wandering off by herself to go explore the unknown. she gets nervous whenever a trusted adult isn't nearby, which she does not realize she inadvertently causes by walking off on her own. it can take her a while to warm up to new people, but once she has decided she likes someone she will stick to them like a koala.

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary214

4/16-17/2024

tuesday - wednesday

feeling better today.

and still feeling better little bit by bit. i did something kinda dumb and jumped on buying a new laptop this morning and then decided, not that one, another one that's from acer instead of lenovo cuz i don't want something made too badly, i suppose. so now i am waiting on that cancellation to go thru, get my money back, and then by this other one that should be better than the lenovo thing. the only thing that had going for it was that it had like 24 gb of ram + 2 tb ssd, and that's maybe whatever, basically i know i need at least 16 + 1 tb, this thing i have doesn't even have an ssd and the it's 12gb of ram, the cpu is is like, from 2016, this new one would be like a 2023 cpu, it'd just be an upgrade in such a serious way, almost entirely i think. it'd be very nice and honestly? i am just thinking about all the stickers i have collected that i have been waiting to put on a laptop. i am so freaking excited about that... there's this sticker i have of a stuffed animal bear with its guts out, there's this sticker of cute cherubim flying around and it's shiny... there's a bunch of others... there's a yume nikki sticker. like omg... it will be soooo cute. cuter than this one, which is still cute. but not way cute. if i have a cute machine... i'll at least feel 10% cuter daily and that'll make me a little less crazy maybe.

anyway, today i made a new guitar tone for some of the problem songs and i think it's maybe basically perfect, so i'll see about that later i gueszzszss, i wanna listen tomorrow instead of immediately after exporting, in album context, just to see how it all comes off and maybe tomorrow will be good for vocals too. we'll see. i go in at 6 so i have time...

i hope, at least. i could waste it all. maybe this order cancellation will go badly but it's not like the order really had the chance to process fully. so it should be okay, i imagine.

listening to this now. conqueror is a good record i need to go back to it.

god now i am listening to this:

when i was in highschool, this was like, one of the most important songs ever, to me, between all the fucked up screamo stuff, weird electronic music, industrial stuff, there was this thing, it weighed on me more than any gy!be song, this felt like, i dunno, it puts me in a state of incoherence but i'll try to speak it, it was that kind of feeling you get, i knew i was headed into a future of some kind, it was really violently hitting me at various points, but especially senior year i think, the skull-cap of life had been opened up, and there was just this new firmament visible from the interior, i was caught in there staring out, the bone-white rim and black sky, a whole nothing arriving, a monstrous tide, and i understood it, and was part of it, i was bound for it, it's not like, death, it really was the dimness of the possible, where no light is because it is undifferentiated, that sort of yawning void crawled into me, and i felt the weight of the world and felt much of it as a kind of waste, cheapness surrounding me, you feel this lovely and swelling thing in those moments which are cheap, minor, standing in parking lots under cloudy skies, waiting for the bus to come take you home, stuff like that.

wow, you can see my old comment from 7 years ago on that. i feel so dumb seeing myself online but there's something sweet about that i guess, so like, whatevs.

how strange it is to see myself. it makes me kind of sad i guess. i am the thing i always was which is what i want to be. but i wonder if that means there's something wrong or whatever.

because i had to run to work, i could not read. tomorrow i need to and also i need to read some of that hito steyerl book tomorrow. it's like, good to read those kinds of essays. i read an essay tonight also,

this was interesting . i guess one thought not against but questioning it, is wonder if maybe the borderline experience is, while an expression of need for ways out, desire for revolt, and efforts toward that, if it still emerges from/in response to and so somewhat crafted by an apparatus of individualizing disciplines? i don't know. i know that in many ways, this analysis here is right, it is a response and expression of this need for a way out, and i don't want to say it's like, a 'condition' of useless thrashing, i don't think it is, but i do think that maybe it's helpful to imagine it as the need and desire for revolt expressed, rather than the revolt itself. instantiations of the need and drives, maybe even tiny mobilizations of those things, but i guess here what i am responding to is the sense that it is 'one,' not in a one of many way, but the response, an almost ideal one, when in truth i don't really want to foreclose on any potentiality, but i don't think the author here is doing that, i just tend to see that in things i guess because i am a freak or something.

it's hard to have too many thoughts on it, but i do like it, i also need to get to another essay i saw on that ill will website, about ecofascism i think.

anyway i need to sleep now, so

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!

[mardoufox21111]

gosh a tiring week

of course low expectations are always good, nothing happened yesterday the boss couldnt sit near me anyway because i was last to arrive almost and he was over the other sde with mean big blonde woman. he did say bye to me though i tried to look better today but he wasnt there. maybe monday. we start our new things on monday which should be cool ezcept the dude wont be there so maybe the boss will chime in. be REALLY good if i excelled but im not putting any pressure on myself im just going to be myself and enjoy it. see what happens eh.

other than that nothing exciting happened, today of course my voice was clear and beautoflul but yesrterday it was cracky and i was nervous. doesmt nmatterb ecause i got thru 20 calls today.

i DID however go for a HIIT run on sunday... crazy. after doing nothing i just felt like it while i was walking on the treadmill. see the possiblities of living alone. ive tried to continue with that in doing some exervises today and yesterday for your gut. i did realise though that my arms are getting flabby on the top so i need to work on that. ideally ill look HAWT next week and see how things go. ill have to make the most of enoying my time alone an in fron of the tv while working bc idk how chill they will be at the other it seems like they want us to do back to back calls. but im hoping i can transition over to a less call role and more looking at the survey EXEUTIVE style. idk why but hes so cute in a weird way. am sure he wouldnt feel the same about me... sadly

[sungbeam]

BFF I’M BACK LITRALLY THE DAY AFTER AND BOY DO I HAVE UPDATES FOR YOU 🤭🤭🤭

1. I STARTED OUTLINING AND DRAFTING MY FIRST FIC EHEHEHE AND SUPER EXCITED TO START WRITING IT 🤭

2. I FINISHED READING [REDACTED] AND I THOUGHT ABT THE MOST HEART WRENCHING, TUMMY CHURNING, EYE BAWLING PLOT AND TBH IF I DO GET SO INCLINED TO STICK WITH IT THEN IT MIGHT COME OUT BEFORE THE FIRST THOUGHT OF FIC LMAO

3. I NEED TO KNOW ABT ‘A STUDY IN MONSTERS’ RIGHT NEOWWWWW 😫🙏 CAUSE I JUST THOUGHT OF LIKE 5 DIFFERENT GENRES BASED OFF THE VIBES/p

Ok time for a more calmer vibe LMAO

For the first fic I genuinely think that any member would be suitable for the ML? And so I decided to let you (my fav author and parasocial bestie) to bequeath which member this fic shall belong to 🤭 (uhhhh spoilers/insight: dream realm(?) but not in a soulmate way, angst, possibly abrupt/open ending but also happy in a way, v fluffy moments at the same time tho, manic pixie dream boy???)

And finally after adoring the movie I decided to go read [redacted] and LORD WHY DID IT HURT 39475629 TIMES AS MUCH AS THE MOVIE LIKE

Movie: light work, no reaction

Book: oUUuU, okay, its got a lil kick 😨

But I got an au perfectly inspired by this in a modern retelling typa way ig SPOILER ALERT THERE IS A LOVE CORNER, CHANHEE AND SANGYEON OR YOUNGHOON(???) we WILL be getting a lil Kevin up in here tho TRUST

And tbh it could go in 2 different directions rn but I’ll have to see which one will get a conclusive ending but the vision is definitely there dw

And DAMNNNNNN I didn’t know there were so many WIPs/nm/p like I know I got a lil snippet of 3 in the past but with each drop of a new WIP I get even more excited 😭 just seeing your creative process is motivating to me lolol and the banners AHHHHHHHH IT REALLY DID GIVE “graphic design is my passion 🤭” YUHHH YUHHHH

but wait also looking at the list again I wanna see more into the ‘bones (orig.)’ and ‘bones (remixed)’ 😳

OH AND BEFORE I FORGET TO MENTIONNNNNNN that Spiderman!Sunwoo and Spiderman!Eric did have me REEEEEEELINGGGGG esp since I finally got the chance to watch across the spiderverse PHEWWWW Spiderman!Eric is just so cheeky, so himbo, so smoochable like damn I do think he is capable of wanting to attempt the Toby Maguire upside-down kiss but then getting too nervous/excited/antsy that he lets go of his web and crashes on the ground AJNDJBVINWI

AND SUNWOO AS STARLORD WOULD ALSO WORK CAUSE HE REALLY HAS THAT SELF-DEPRECATING HUMOR THING GOING ON and then his cheesyness too omg I think Sunwoo is perfectly corny to be starlord 😫🤞

AND ALSO MY ATEEZ BIAS ISSSSSSSSSSSSSS -drumroll please- 🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁

Wooyoung! 🥳🥳🥳

He’s just so sweet and caring and hot and beautiful and hardworking and loving and he’s so, he’s so, he’s so- ☹️☹️☹️☹️

Yeah, I love Woo with my whole being 😔🙏

Kk that’s it for nowwwwww talk to you soon!

- Toodles!, 🌷anon 

HI BEST FRAN WELCOME BACK 🤩✊🏼

OMG THE DRAFTING HAS BEGUN???? LESGO????? I AM SO EXCITED FOR U AND SUPER EXCITED ALSO TO SEE UR JOURNEY AND THE FINAL OUTCOME 👀✨

HELLO WAIT what is [REDACTED] 🤨 i need to know for research purposes and cuz im a nosy mfker and cuz i also scoured thru our prev interactions and don't think we talked abt it previously 🤨

AHHHHSHAHHAHAH A STUDY IN MONSTERS IS COMING RIGHT UP !!

ITS LIKE BEAUTY AND THE BEAST BUT EVERYBODY'S A BEAST ???? well, the main cast is all considered some kind of "monster," but ofc, the real monsters r the humans who have belittled them and villainized them. but reader basically has like,,, medusa powers??? and chanhee has like a demon trapped inside him and younghoon is like fae but THE SCARY fae you feel??? but any who, i've gotten some back story done and it's not meant to become like a 30k one shot or anything; i was trying to aim for it to be kind of like the length of simple gifts, but we'll see where i go w it !!

OKAY BUT WAIT U SHOULD TELL ME WHAT U THOUGHT OF WHEN U SAW THE TITLE CUZ IM VERY CURIOUS !!

okok i have so much to say abt the next part of ur ask 😭😭 1.) BEQUEATH 💀💀💀💀 2.) hello stop that rn flattery will get u everything u desire 🤧😌 3.) MANIC PIXIE DREAM BOY AHAH OMG IM SO HYPED 4.) eric, juyeon sounds abt right 😻😻

OKAY BUT LIKE books > their movie adaptations tbh lsnfkenfk there is so much that books can show that movies can't, and also vice versa !! but WTF DYM BY LOVE CORNER (´Д⊂ヽ GIRLIE BESTIE HONEY WHAT IS A LOVE CORNER 😭😭😭 w chanhee sangyeon younghoon AND beloved kevin too???? my /guy/ do u want me to cry 😃 wait don't answer that—💀 omg i feel like i almost never have an idea of what an ending looks like UNTIL I GET THERE LMFAOOOO like i really don't care abt endings cuz i can't get to the ending if there is not story substance, u feel 😭😭😭 but im sure the ✨right ending✨ will appear in ur horizons as u go forth !!

KANDKDNDKN i had to keep quite a few wips off the list 😭💀 it's embarrassing akdnkdnf BUT im so glad that seeing my process motivates u TT that's very cool to hear and i also like talking abt the writing process a lot so thank u for feeding into my self esteem /hj AHHH SHUSH UR GONNA MAKE ME BLUSH I LOVE MAKING BANNERS SO THANK U 😚 im too tech grandma to use canva or photoshop so i feel like a lot of mine r a little simpler and more minimal which isn't bad ofc but yeah, thanks so much :'))) BRO i wish i could go into graphic design skfnkdndk

OHOH the bones orig and remix ver LMAOOO

both versions r meant to be like murder mysteries yk?? and they're both set in time settings where it's not quite the future, but im also not a historian so they're also not completely historically accurate T-T they just take place in the past LMFAO but the original ver is more like dark academia centered where the murder takes place at this elitist academy/boarding school in the middle of nowhere, and reader is like a "charity case" whose uncle took her under his wing after her parents were murdered or something, and changmin is like studying to become a physician and they both get looped into the investigation. i have a some written of that ver but it's not very interesting 💀

AND recently like two days ago 💀 i went back to one of the ideas i had for the banner before i started writing the dark academia one (wow that's such a long sentence). anyways, said idea was to take place in like ,, not a school 🤡 but idk if you've read the stalking jack the ripper series but it's based on that !! AND a little bit of six of crows too 🤡 it's not fantastical or anything, but changmin is like a doctor in the lower end and someone's been out here murdering people and shit. changmin is also kind of inspired by daredevil and kaz brekker, but i'll have to get into that some other time 💀

that was one of my favorite parts lol i think this ver of bones has captured a bit more of my interest than the other ver? tho, i would love to see where the other ver went, just cuz i already put so much thought into the storyline and characters and headcanons and back stories, etc.

AHHHHHH YES I AGREE ABT SPIDEY!ERIC I LOVE SPIDEY ERIC he's just ,, yk Just Some Guy™ LMAO so he's a perf spiderboy !!! he's kind of modeled after tom holland's spiderman and sunwoo after miles morales ofc, but eric would TOTALLY try the upside down kiss and fail miserably 😭😭😭 but i think he's def the type to keep trying UNTIL he gets it down 🤤😋 and just crafting the different earths btwn sunwoo and eric was just so much fun cuz i was trying to figure out what i wanted each universe to have and ksnfkdndkkd ANYWAYS . STAR LORD SUNWOO HAS ME REELING CUZ LIKE AKDNKDMD i NEEDED this man to be w the raccoon it just didn't feel right if he wasn't. like he was either gonna be nova or starlord, and i feel like the only other boy besides sunwoo who can do star lord justice is hyunjae, but he's already IRON MAN lol

OMG UR A WOOYOUNG STAN??? that actually feels so right 😭😭😭 wooyo be snatching up hearts ALL OVER THE PLACE lately 😭🤧 like damn, get it bro 🥂 but i totally agree, he's such a sweetheart and so funny and so talented and just sknfkendn mwah wanna give him a big smooch !

WHEW what a long recap/catch up reply 🤣 but anyways, hope ur doing well as always 😚 love u lots, my honey bunches of pollinated petals 💖

[haku23]

ok my thots on re-animator 1985 will contain spoilers

-Gross. I think the head talking was the most gross part tho. by the end, however, I was desensitized to it and just found the gore kind of funny I’m ngl

-I love how they explained almost nothing except things that didn’t matter like why didn’t this bottle break? “aha it’s made of PLASTIC” like thank you I wasn’t wondering. How did his ass get to america? how does the serum work? don’t worry about it. 

-Herbert’s name is Herbert which is just funny. Imagine naming your kid Herbert

-I like how Dan helps him because it is implied at the beginning that he is like. overly against death like. the idea that he can bring ppl back to life is of course appealing to him it makes Sense

-I do think they could have, or may in the future, explore one another’s bodies. idk. i’m just saying.... but i suppose sometimes it’s about the gay sex you’re not having

-the serum looked sick af I think it was glowstick juice

-herbert got bondaged by tentacles made out of intestines which was gross, impossible, ... but... lms if it’s...kinda hot.

-full frontal nudity?! TITS out. Dongs? Also out but covered mostly by hair which. not my thing put that sloppy thang away before some sloppy little creature tears it asunder. sorry i’m 13 and i have never seent a brest in my life so I exclaimed every time I saw them 

-considering he’s in the next movie, I assume he Gets Better so it’s not a worry for me like I am not concerndt that his gay ass got tentacled to death rly

-I thought they were going to at the end be like oh he saves her thru cpr to like. harken back to the beginning but i kind of like the villain era that he’s entered that the first thing that pops to his mind is “omg i’ll use the glowstick serum!” like ok queen 

-we stan a hashtag body posi movie that has people of ALL bodies and skin colours becoming reanimated corpses with their entire tits and/or dicks out <3 

-they were on a TIGHT one hour 30 min time budget and I respect that. Sure it took me over that to watch the whole thing but like I said it was gross. also how can i take sc of every scene that makes me go “lgtv?” if i don’t pause and share it onto tumblr ??? 

-I found myself being like “would that rly be a problem if he was dating the dean’s daughter...?” at multiple parts of the movie like girl that’s not the point but I mean I guess he’s like Light and saw a slippery slope (of helping herbert) and grabbed a sled. 

-Herbert is kind of a freak, but I liked him. if you see me drawing Silas holding a syringe full of glowstick juice and looking like a rough 42 years old mind your business (well, silas is older and already does that so just like. i’m not hashtag copyingggg ok) 

-there’s a second movie, and it was straight to dvd so i’m excited because i think it’ll be even “better” than this one

-anyway, I liked it. It’s very dated but in that fun way that I can see why people like it.

-but please check the warnings as my recent art rb say it definitely contains a lot of possibly triggering material