#i am fully 100% traumagenic

[buntress]

lmao we got hate for being pro endo while we were gone, i just like deleted it bc like ✨ ew ✨ but how tf you gonna send hate to a completely inactive blog???? wild

anyways our stance on endogenic systems has not changed <3 if you dislike this, cope away from me. My opinion is firm and will not be changed by a hate comment from someone probably half my age. I gotta make sure my family can eat yo, I do not have time for all that.

[mewos-laptop]

Yoooo intro post ???? ‼‼‼

Hey gamers, uhhh I'm Mewo/Albedo/Fruity and this is my general/mix of so much shit blog !!! My other one is strictly alterhuman based primarily, but I wanted one that my irl friends are permitted to be privy to lmao

Abt me: I'm queer, generally using the label "gay" for myself, an agender trans boy, and polyamorous aromantic/fictoromantic. I use a shit ton of pronouns, but I primarily use it/its, xey/xem, and rlly any noun neopronouns. I also use he/him, however I am brought much joy by my neopronouns being used, so he/him is secondary :P. I'm diagnosed with clinical anxiety (over most of the anxiety disorder spectrum, so including OCD and social), depression, and (localized) Hypermobile Spectrum Disorder (HSD), and am self diagnosed autistic, ADHD, BPD and UDD.

Recognized dissasociative traumagenic/multigenic collective of five and counting. Questioning UDD. We do not tolerate fakeclaiming of our identity, nor do we owe you the information of us being traumagenic or recognized as dissasociative in the first place. Know your place, because you are on OUR blog.

SPEAKING OF WHO I AM, KIN LIST JUST DROPPED Y'ALL (Subject to change/being outdated bc I don't have enough time in my day to add and remove every single questioning kin everytime smth happens in my brain XD)

We also have a list of fellas which may front, and information about them.

I'm an alterhuman, a xenogender user, and generally the cringiest person you'll meet !!! My interests that I'm gonna post abt mostly are alt fashion/fashion in general, OMORI/rlly just my friend's OMORI posts, my friend's writing projects, my own writing projects, Regretivator, various mental health stuff, and rlly just anything in general that I like (speaking of which check out Carolina Magat on YT/The Nursery Series my friend [@valleyfthdolls] makes it and it's cool and I play Cody hehe)

I'm a scene kid in style/music taste and a punk in ideals, sparkledog nightmare cringe boyfailure, baby Kandi kid, and the scary faggot transspecies the conservatives warned you about.

Oh yeah, I'm also a minor (16-18 age range) sooo NSFW/NSFT dni plsss Xp

Other DNI shit. I don't cover everything, but I do just block ppl who make me uncomfortable :3

-Including an entire new paragraph for this bc holy shit. THOSE WHO ARE NOT PLURAL WHO ENGAGE IN SYSCOURSE DO NOT INTERACT. You do not belong in the conversation regarding them, and do not have the experience of those who are plural. Absolutely do not interact with me. I would also prefer for anti endos and anti-leaning neutrals to not interact. If I see you are anti endo and following me I WILL clown on you. It's quite frankly none of your business if sum1 is disordered or not, and I'm fucking tired of dealing with this bullshit. Live your life how you want, endos are not opressing you, and I do not give a shit if they describe their lived experience as plural. The brain is confusing and we do not fully understand the origins of systemhood fully. There are many debates still ongoing in the medical community, and until they come to a concensus that 100% is agreed on and 100% proves that endos are secretly lying to you, until that point comes, if it ever does, then we accept endos on our page, no questions asked.

-Identity police (specifically ppl who hate "conflicting" queer identities, bc literally sum1's identity has nothing to do w/ you XD), proshippers (I am fully aware it's fiction, no, I do not hate those who engage with hard topics in fiction, but that does not mean I want the romanticized view of those things for the titillation of the viewer on my dash, ESPECIALLY due to it triggering my intrusive thoughts), racists, homophobes, transphobes, Zionists, pro-cringeculture, anti-recovery blogs, anti-alterhuman, intersexists, radfems, blah blah blah y'all get it.

BYI: I will post the occasional vent, I have a godawful memory, and I am severely mentally ill. I will often react before thinking when I am in states of distress, and my BPD can make me inappropriately angry, or inappropriately emotional. I have a hard time remembering trigger tags at times due to my bad memory, so please give me gentle reminders if I mistag something, or if I forget to tag something for you. Just in general, if I do something that makes you uncomfortable, give me a gentle reminder, because chances are I just literally didn't realize/or I forgot.

Alr bye bye :3

[somepoetwannabe]

You don't have to answer, but I'm just curious:

What, to you, makes DID/OSDD more "proven" then non-disordered systemhood? That seems to be the point you keep coming back to.

Because OSDD/DID weren't always medically recognized. Does that mean before they were medically recognized, plurality itself wasn't real?

You INHERENTLY can't "prove" a subjective experience, and to apply that logic to anything psychological in nature is to ignore the limitations of psychology as a science, which is itself anti-scientific.

I don't have dyslexia. If I suddenly declared that dyslexia isn't real because I don't have it and nobody can objectively 100% without a shadow of a doubt prove to me that it is, regardless of how much supportive evidence there is, I'd still be wrong.

I will never experience the same experiences as a dyslexic person. Doesn't mean I can't acknowledge that the patterns in the wider human population heavily suggest that it's a neurodivergency that exists, because hey, there are all of these people with dyslexia symptoms!

Similarly, there are all of these people claiming to have symptoms of plural experiences without trauma. Not my experience, but ignoring it would be stupid.

And the idea that it must not be "real plurality," but that it could be something else is... I hate to say it, but that's ableist. "Ableist" in this case being used as a word for prejudice against neurodivergent people, yes including those whose neurodivergency may not be a disability in a vacuum but very much is within a societal context, such as endogenic systems.

(^ I could write a lot more on this point in particular, of why the word "ableism" actually is applicable in this situation, but that's ultimately not the point of this ask.)

First off using people with psychosis as your argumentative scapegoat just alienates psychotic systems, and yes, those two things don't cancel out. Even if it was psychosis that doesn't rule out systemhood as a possibility, and the possible interactions between psychosis and plurality definitely aren't studied enough to make that claim.

Also you're inherently promoting the idea that neurodivergent people should not be trusted to speak on their own experiences, which is ableism. I don't think there's any room to argue on that fact.

Especially given that plurality as a subject is extraordinarily under-researched. Even OSDD/DID are far from fully understood.

- A (traumagenic!) system member with a passion for psychology who doesn't really appreciate how y'all have presented psychology as a field.

(Sorry if I come off as rude, I speak rather bluntly but I'm not trying to offend. I am genuinely trying to engage in productive conversation. /Gen)

DID/OSDD is medically recognized, with an accepted theory of how it is formed and a known way/ways to treat it. That is what I regard as “proof” so to speak. You are right, DID/OSDD were not always medically recognized, and I would not claim they were not real prior to medical recognition. However, I do not claim endogenics are completely impossible or definitely do not exist, nor do I refuse to treat them with empathy and respect. I simply offer alternative explanations for endogenic experiences, and possibilities more medically supported than the idea of them being systems. Because of this, I am not entirely sure what your point is here. Just because something might be possible doesn’t mean I should immediately believe it. What I am saying is, without substantial evidence, I have no reason to believe in the idea of endogenic systems being possible. You cannot expect me to trust claims, and I hope you can acknowledge why I may not. Especially online. The idea you cannot prove a subjective experience is…interesting. I am no expert on matters of psychology – I have no qualifications and am simply a high school student with an interest in it – so I am not qualified to speak on that. However, I am yet to see psychology support the idea of endogenic systems. I am also unsure what you mean by “anti-science”. Again, I do not actively claim endogenics are not real, as there is as little evidence to support that as there is to support that they are real. It is not that nobody can 100% prove to me it is, but rather nobody can prove to me at all (as far as I have seen). “Regardless of how much supportive evidence there is"…there is no (or at least none I have been exposed to) evidence for endogenics, but please feel free to give resources if you have any. I am open to be proven wrong. “I will never experience the same experiences as a dyslexic person. Doesn't mean I can't acknowledge that the patterns in the wider human population heavily suggest that it's a neurodivergency that exists, because hey, there are all of these people with dyslexia symptoms!” People lie. That is a reality of life. There is proof of dyslexia [neurobiology supports the idea of dyslexia and there is an understanding of how it occurs in people, though not what causes it] and they are medically recognized. I do not ignore endogenic experiences, as that would be irrational. I would be screaming into a void and arguing against a blank wall. Listening to endogenics is something I must do to come to a reasonable conclusion on whether I believe there is a possibility it is possible to be endogenic. I’d need you to elaborate on the ableist point. I’m not quite sure how it is ableist to propose that there may be other explanations for endogenic experiences. For me, this would only apply if endogenics were supported by psychology and had a suitable theory on how they occur but I was simply choosing to ignore the already fitting explanation. That is not what I am doing. I am not claiming to know other people's experiences better than they do, I am not saying for a definite I know what causes endogenics to experience something akin to plurality. Also, you cannot be ableist to someone who is not disabled. You may say or do things that stem from ableist belief systems, but you cannot be ableist to an abled person. I don’t understand what you mean by “may not be a disability in a vacuum but very much is within a societal context”, you are either disabled or you are not. While someone’s disability may not affect them every second, even when their disability is not affecting them disabled people are disabled nonetheless. Please do feel free to elaborate on these points. (1/2)

[imjustaf444keriguess]

sources time

(base links for some of the sources: sophie's page, the guardians doc. also note i am not a scientist and could be wrong, and some of these sources might not be super good sources or reliable. if you wish to debunk any sources and their claims with better evidence, feel free. also, not all of these sources directly say "this is 100% a real phenomenon", but shows that currently, there are studies being worked on and planned to explore what people are already experiencing, and how non-traumagenic plurality differs from traumagenic plurality)

the tulpa study's AMA (if it's been published i'll edit this once i know of it)

Collective-Screaming 6mo ago Hi! Nice to see you two here :D If you can say, what differences did you find between how the brain expresses both the host and the created headmate (tulpa)? Was there any difference between when someone was fully switched in and just controlling (possessing, whether fully or just some parts of) the body?

michael_lifshitz 6mo ago Hi, thanks for your question! Our strongest finding was when we looked at tulpa possession. We were using a simple writing task in the fMRI. We found that when a tulpa is possessing the body and writing a sentence, there is reduced activity in a particular part of the brain that's involved in planning actions and having a sense of agency over your actions (the pre-supplementary motor area, or pre-SMA). This suggests that tulpamancers have learned to down-regulate this key agency/planning region, which lets an alternative agent (the tulpa) take control. It's pretty amazing that tulpa systems can do this on demand. We did have a few tulpamancers who could switch, but we haven't carefully looked at their data yet to see how it's different from normal possession. That's a secondary analysis we're planning after the main results come out :)

(there is more information in the AMA thread, but this comment is Lifshitz using the term "tulpa system", which is amusing when anti-endos and sysmeds insist that system is exclusive to DID.)

tulpas and mental health, a study of online tulpamancers and their experiences with mental health

an "explorative interview study" on multiples personal experiences

"exploring the experiences of young people with multiplicity" mentions:

Respondents discussed that there is a lack of understanding regarding how multiplicity develops without a basis in trauma. For respondents who did not have a trauma history, they described feeling ‘left out of the conversation’ and ‘unable to access support’ or resources. Many people discussed multiplicity in terms of being an experience and a part of their lives, rather than being a ‘disorder’ which needs to be treated or cured. [...] A greater level of understanding and resources were mentioned as being needed within both research and practice.

a similar paper by the same people as the above one that's "exploring the utility and personal relevance of co-produced multiplicity resources"

1.Assuming that someone has multiplicity because they have been abused can be experienced as disempowering and impersonal. Don’t assume a trauma history or pathology. If suitable and appropriate, the young person may wish to confide in you in their own time. An identify of being multiple can exist separately from a young person who has experienced abuse. Multiplicity can be viewed as posiitve by young people.

conceptualizing multiplicity spectrum experiences

5.1.1 Misinterpretation of multiplicity experiences Research discussed the lack of diversity encapsulated in current explanations of multiplicity, with primarily medicalised perspectives explored and validated by support and research (Floris & McPherson, 2015). Individuals discussed the link between their experiences and past traumatic events, which they often felt was part of the development of multiplicity (McRae et al., 2017; Parry et al., 2018); however, the conceptualizations of their trauma varied. While some discussed multiplicity in terms of protective factors against trauma (Fox et al., 2013; Zeligman et al., 2017), others felt experiences were separate from prior trauma (Perry et al., 2007). Often not captured within research that solely focuses on clinical aspects of multiplicity, not all experiences were discussed as being a result of trauma, which added to the complexity in understanding (Ribáry et al., 2017). The lack of standardized language was a barrier to understanding (Černis et al., 2020). Overall, a variety of unique terminology was reported, including ‘multiples’, ‘residents’ and ‘plural identity’ (Blunden & Billie., 2021; Ribáry et al., 2017). As a result, participants felt misaligned with current discussions around multiplicity, which is often more complex than current criteria and language elucidates.

6.1 Multiplicity: Disorder versus experience The findings of this review support the notion that multiplicity experiences are complex and varied, existing across a continuum inclusive of multiplicity, DID and derealization–depersonalization (Sar, 2011). Findings also recognized that individuals with lived experiences can struggle to articulate their experiences, perhaps due to a limited framework of available language, representative of our developing understanding and the nuances surrounding multiplicity. Consequently, as with other mental health experiences, multiplicity is often oversimplified and depersonalized, leading people to question their identity, exacerbating one of the central tenants of depersonalization, rather than supporting self-acceptance. As detailed in Table 2, there are unique features associated with multiplicity, DID and depersonalization–derealization disorder, which warrant individual exploration, terminology and support.

the creators of the TOSD mentioning other forms of plurality and the need to study them

Dissociation in Hypnosis and Mediumship Our definition of dissociation pertains to a division of the personality in the context of trauma. We are aware that this division may also occur in hypnosis and mediumship, that several other definitions of dissociation also address these other contexts, and that there are some indications that dissociation in these other contexts is also best understood as a division of personality. For example, Hilgard's well-known “hidden observer,” as found in some highly hypnotizable subjects, involves a dissociative part of the personality that is endowed with consciousness and self-consciousness, but the phenomenon is disputed (e.g., CitationKihlstrom, 1998; CitationKirsch & Lynn, 1998). Mediumship may involve conscious and self-conscious dissociative parts of the personality (CitationBraude, 1995). However, dissociation in mediums is in several regards different from dissociation in DID (CitationMoreira-Almeida, Neto, & Cardeña, 2008). The possible involvement of consciousness and self-consciousness in dissociated controls in hypnosis and in dissociative parts in mediumship needs to be examined in more detail before a conclusive general definition of dissociation can be formulated.

the ICD and DSM's exclusions. notably, the ICD uses the same language for its "boundary with normality" as it does for the alters themselves.

(EG is "for example", so it is not the only possibility it's excluding)

(note criteria C and D)

[marbles-for-breakfast]

Please don’t use a single facet of your abusive ex’s identity to justify hating an entire group of people. I understand the urge, but it’s not helpful.

Not all endos form out of choice. I’d hazard that most don’t, though I certainly don’t have the numbers to back that up. Endogenic was specifically created for people who don’t believe their systems formed through trauma, with many believing they were “born this way”.

I currently sort of identify as endo, but that’s actually only because I don’t know whether my system formed from trauma or not, and assuming it had formed from trauma (before knew about endos) actually caused me a lot of problems. Maybe someday I’ll find out about some trauma and change my mind (I’m quite newly discovered, though I’ve been questioning for at least a year), but I don’t have any memory of trauma that would have caused this, so I’m not going to assume that was the reason.

I didn’t become plural by choice. In fact, I didn’t choose this any more than you did. I just know that I am this way, and you and people like you not believing me doesn’t change the fact that I constantly feel dissociated and my year+ of research has resulted in me being now extremely confident that I would fit the criteria for OSDD-1b.

“Clawing at any sense of identity” describes my life as well. We experience many of the same things you and other traumagenic systems do. I understand how you might come to hate us if most of what you hear about us are the half-truths and straight-up lies that anti-endos constantly spout. I would hate us too.

And I think there are some genuinely important conversations that need to happen, but they need to happen amongst people who believe each other when they say who they are and what their own lived experiences are. It needs to happen amongst people who understand that the theory of structural dissociation was never posited as the only possible cause for plurality, nor has it actually been proven to be accurate (since that’s not really something you can prove). We need to meet each other somewhere, and I truly think it’s the people who think we’re “just role playing” who need to come forward first. The other people in my body are real, and it’s quite distressing when you insist we aren’t.

We’re really not all that different. Many, many endos also have trauma. Some even have alters that split due to trauma (mixed origins). I fully support traumagenic systems having their own spaces, but we might have to organize that kind of thing together for it to be effective. And for that you need to respect us. And I say you because all the endos I know fully respect traumagenic systems (with the possible exception of the ones who harass us or dedicate their entire blog to claiming our headmates don’t exist).

You’re right that it’s not fun or quirky to be plural. It’s everything. I can’t obviously say for sure, but I would hope you’re not always miserable. (If you are, I’m truly sorry about that) The systems who say it can be fun mean that it CAN be fun SOMETIMES. Sometimes it is miserable. But I think believing that being a system is just horrible 100% of the time is really depressing and unhelpful for everyone. Being plural isn’t inherently negative, imo. It’s neutral. Just like being autistic isn’t inherently negative. It’s just how you are. And yeah, it makes things harder a lot of the time, but unless you’re going through a rough patch, most of the time it just is.

Anyway, feel free to take or leave parts of this. Like I said, I’m relatively new to this and the worst stuff I’ve experienced so far (other than the stuff caused by thinking I must have secret childhood trauma) is keeping it a secret. Actually, I guess you’re technically the first person I’ve told. I really wish people didn’t hate us so much for what sometimes feels like no reason (I know you have reasons, obviously, but I only just got here and it seems like everywhere I go to try and find other people I can talk to about this I’m not welcome just because I haven’t decided I’m horribly traumatized with no evidence)

So stop assuming we’re the worst people alive because of all the strawmans people make about us. We’re so much more similar than you think. And flooding the plural tag with posts like this only makes it harder for us to find and talk to people who understand us which was all I wanted when I searched that up for the first time a few days ago. I got this instead. I think the only thing we all want is some fucking compassion. Targeting us with harassing messages like this isn’t helping. We’re all angry. We’re all frustrated. We all feel misunderstood. Let’s try to fix that.

As someone who dated an endo "system" who used us and tried to force us to split alters of his interests because he wanted to fuck them, you all suck.

I don't care st this point, you don't give enough of a fuck to do your research and understand how fucking hard it is to cope with actually being a system.

We did not spend years of our life clawing at any sense of identity until our medical recognition just for you lowlife scumbags to claim you just formed a system because you wanted to.

Fuck you. Fuck all of you. I hope you get help, I hope you get over your delusions and accept the fact that you'll never have this horrible disorder because you should be glad that you don't.

It's not fun or quirky, it's miserable and you are the scum of the earth. You and anyone that supports you wholeheartedly.

[many-but-one]

Hey, I saw your post explaining your views on endos and as a proxy-endo plural (formed to cope with trauma/stress at an older age, as far as I can tell) I think your take on it as an exaggeration of IFS is really neat. I didn't choose to experience my altered states in the way I do, but I think I subconsciously formed them to help me cope with stress, especially as an autistic person who cannot deal well with change. My different "modes" help me adapt to different situations and help me feel more capable. Thanks for keeping an open mind. Hope you're doing well.

Hello! I’m really glad our post resonated with you. Early on in our system experience we were starkly anti-endo, even had like Endos DNI on our pinned and everything. (Which was fair, boundaries are important for everyone if they choose to set them. We don’t use DNIs anymore.)

But as we started healing in therapy and started hating our own disorder less and realizing how honestly incredible the brain was I realized that the brain will literally do just about anything to help itself cope with traumatic stimuli. As a child, it broke me into literal pieces. While I do believe endogenic plurality is definitely not quite the same as OSDDID levels of plurality in terms of things like separation of parts or amnesia between parts (if you are having amnesia between parts, that means you likely have dissociative barriers in place which likely means Trauma). I feel like this is especially true because one of the largest arguments I see from endos is that their systems are NOT “systems of parts” and they DON’T consider themselves a fragmented whole (many traumagenic systems think this too, I know that, but this is something I’ve seen from endos the most) which means that in endogenic plurality maybe their parts really are more like separate people, like in an IFS situation. And for endos that didn’t make their systems on purpose (which…I’m still not really sure why some do that, but to each their own.) I feel like the exaggerated IFS with characters or OCs or more “alive” versions of their “inner child” or “inner teen” or “angered self” or “work/school self” etc just kind of Made Sense to me. I feel like this could almost definitely be more capable from someone who already HAS “modes” and “masks” like an autistic person does, which is why you see so many endos who are also autistic.

Ofc I’m NOT saying my little theory is set in stone, that was just my way of wrapping my brain around endogenic systems and why they might exist without childhood trauma. And when I kind of opened my mind to that I was just kinda like “huh. That’s really cool, actually.” Brains, like I said, are very plastic. The trauma that literally damaged my brain as a child? While those wounds will never fully heal, our brain can bounce back with healing, grace, and time. Realizing that WE could come BACK from what was essentially repeated traumatic brain injuries as a kid, it really makes sense that the brain would change in the presence of teen or adult trauma too, and if IFS times 100 is what helps someone survive the literal hellscape that is middle school, high school, abusive parents, abusive siblings, manipulative friends, etc., then of course the brain will fucking jump on that shit quick. The brain is remarkable at surviving, it will do whatever it can to do so, even if it’s maladaptive or detrimental after the pain and trauma end.

AKA us having DID helped us survive as a child but is not helpful as an adult, at least not before we started cooperating. Now I can’t imagine life without them. But if I could choose to not be traumatized or have alters, I personally would choose no alters or trauma. This stuff is hard as hell. But I am no longer resentful towards the disorder or to my brain for making us have this disorder. The brain is capable of so much, so why are endogenic origins so far-fetched, I suppose? Ofc, there are probably plenty of people who claim endo (and traumagenic if I’m being honest) origins who aren’t plural and are using it for roleplay. Which 🤷🏻 is none of my goddamn business and nobody else’s either.

That’s just my take on it! I’ve already started losing followers but I feel like I need to be a more positive and open person rather than so fucking angry about something that’s not going to change anytime soon. Like, anti-endos being so enraged and bullying endos is not going to make them stop anytime soon. Especially if it’s something they legitimately have and can’t stop. Are there some endos that might have repressed trauma? Yeah probably. But that’s not always the case and to try to force someone to accept trauma early on and without proper therapy is just dangerous as hell. Our DID specialist, when some of the ugly details of our trauma started spilling out, actively encouraged us to have a little bit of denial. Deep down, I knew it was real. But letting myself sit on the denial train for a few weeks let me come back and process the very real memories with a clearer head and heart. A lot of endogenic folks who have repressed trauma probably do not have access to trauma specialists and to try and jump start trauma processing by yelling at them to accept they’re traumatized or ELSE is just. Gross, honestly. There are huge vices on both sides of the community, but both sides of the community have also brought great things. Research from scientists who support traumagenic theories has allowed us to understand our disorder more, and endo positive companies like Simplyplural and Pluralkit have changed the game for systems, both on the pro and anti side. To actively say neither side has ever done good and neither side has ever done bad is just false. We all have done really bad shit to each other and I wish we could just not be so damn angry all the time.

Alright, rant on your ask is over lol. Thanks for sending this in. I was honestly worried I was going to offend endos by posting that little theory and I didn’t want to make them think I was boiling down their experiences to just IFS because I am not endo and I don’t have that lived experience so I can’t talk over you. Just like endos can’t talk over OSDDID systems about OSDDID. *wink wink nudge nudge* lol.

-Jules

[strawberrynesquick]

Pardon me little miss but I have a question! How did you discover the fact that you were a little? :o Or what would be strong traits of being a little?

*TW CSA*

Actually this is a fairly interesting story and probably not what you’d expect! Since I was really young I always had episodes of feeling “homesick” even though I was home or like..I didn’t recognize myself or my surroundings out of nowhere and it would make me just feel sad and kind of panicked. And around my 13th birthday I really started feeling weird and sad and scared and for some reason I just really resonated with being 3 years old like. Strongly it wasn’t like.. oh I like cartoons I act like a 3 year old. It was like. That’s me that’s what I’m supposed to be! So, I remember crying and telling my mom and actually my sister in law made my 13th birthday rugrats themed and they made my cards say 3 instead of 13! That’s kind of besides the point in a way but it makes sense later on in this story. So! Since around 1 years old I was sexually abused by 3 family members, one being my own bio father. The other was cocsa and the other my godmother. This lasted until the age of 14. After it stopped I started getting really bad memories of it and realized when I thought of it that’s when I got that weird homesick feeling. I ended up seeing a therapist and being diagnosed with dpd (depersonalization disorder) which is where I heavily disassociate in an effort to cope. I realized through therapy that I resonated heavily with 3 years old because that was the only time in my life my brain hasn’t blocked out all memories from that aren’t just bad. I found a community of regressors on tumblr around 14 and found that it made me feel safe and reassured that maybe there were others like me.

So! To put it in better words and simpler terms, it was less of something I stumbled upon and liked but it��s definitely just a part of me due to my mental disorder. I regress fully and am regressed 100% of the time I would say with moments of acting big. That’s about it! 🌟

As far as you wondering what strong traits of you being a little are I don’t think I can personally speak on it because I am a dpd and traumagenic little so it’s just something my brain kind of did on it’s own! If any of my followers would like to reply with their best knowledge on how to know if they’re little that’d be sweet!

[mentalisttraceur]

Okay, so I actually have a much more constructive perspective on this now.

I realized that I never once in my conscious memory got to play a video game as long as I want without any tension to do or be ready for something else. Like, truly, truly as long as I want, 100% fully safe from any looming obligations, deadlines, interruptions, or threats of some negative experience.

I do feel very grateful to my parents for occasionally doing their best to give me times like that - for example, letting me stay up as late as I wanted with my new gift toys on holidays. One time for two weeks after school and doing homework I got to play a specific video game as much as I wanted (otherwise there was always a time limit). Maybe that even helped my brain learn that this would be part of the solution.

The problem was just that there was always something, looming. The next school day, the next week, the next time I got yelled at or insulted, the next whatever. So before I could naturally grow to prefer something other than the kid stuff, something got trauma-stunted. I no longer felt like I could have and indulge that feeling, like I wasn't even supposed to feel it and act on it or at least certainly not for as long as it naturally took to tire out. I learned to avoid that feeling, to abruptly rip myself out of whatever activity it got me into. I internalized judgement for it. This, I now know, contributed significantly to me having a bingy and addictive relationship with gaming. It almost "froze in time" some of the cognition flows involving that feeling of desire to play.

So a few weeks ago, I did my best to give myself truly unbounded play time while assuming the mental state/flow I had as a child, or at least which seemed plausibly like what I remember and assume I had going on in my mind back then.

I combined that with my idea of applying the DID perspective/interpretation/self-narrative/etc internally even though I am an integrated singlet. This was very helpful. In particular, when you think of yourself as multiple, you can more easily see possibilities like "I (kid-like cognition flow) don't trust [host/whatever-I-normally-am] to actually circle back to doing the thing I want to do, or to even honor previous intentions we both formed in the mind".

In fact, I actually got this whole idea about never having gotten to play to satisfaction while safe by doing this DID-style thought pattern. I found myself wanting to play a game I thought I had left behind, introspected the desire, was inspired by the idea of actual traumagenic multiplicity which can have alters that are basically who you were in the moment of some trauma, got my chosen kid "alter" going (figured out how to invoke the relevant emotion/state/perspective which I thought I had as a kid and was wanting to explore), introspected the desire some more, started playing while making an effort to maintain that mental state, mostly just to indulge and explore that childlike joy with it, but then at some point when I got interrupted+triggered, and it all instantly fell into place - because as that kid self, holding that mental state and perspective, I could immediately feel the difference in impact and how much more sensitive I was to it and it was natural to interpret it as I would if this was done to a kid.

So then I knew that my role as not-kid-cognition for the rest of this exercise was mainly to keep the kid safe. Reassure and soothe, keep certain thoughts of life risks confidently dismissed as non-risks even if they weren't technically totally unrealistic, and assert really strong boundaries externally.

Anyway, it worked. amazingly. It took I wanna say about ten days of playing the game. During that time I worked through some internal stuff which is best articulated in DID terms as the aforementioned child alter not trusting host/etc to do things that the child really wanted, restoring that trust by listening and empirically proving willingness to value child preferences by taking certain costly/significant actions in-game that were the child's preferences and not that of current self (mostly about conflict between maximizing fun vs effectiveness), started to be able to see features of me as a "protector" alter and feel some appreciation for those mental states in me as such. I restored other internal trust, such as by keeping the video game installed, even though normally nowadays I would delete it after being "done" to increase the effort barrier to slip back into another binge. But most importantly:

It damn-near magically single-handedly fixed my binging and completionism tendencies in video games (and also helped me very clearly identify what event got me cope-modifying my mind to value completionism). I no longer feel interest in getting stuff like achievements whose pursuit isn't fun in itself for me, or 3/3 stars on each level or whatever, for the first time in like a decade. I can just play for a little now and move on. I don't even feel unwanted temptation to play games any more, and when I have other goals the desire to play naturally recedes. I have never seen this much deep improvement come so easily. These were intractable motivation control issues for, again, a decade. Seemingly solved. Just like that.

On the one hand: I should swear off playing video games. They are an addictive drug. A video game succeeds by being unnaturally good at generating brain reward. Unnatural amounts of dopamine. A really good video game is basically wireheading. Real life achievement is incapable of competing.

On the other hand: I wanna play.