#i am filled with the indescribable joy of fulfilling a childhood dream

[reddpenn]

I just added two new shelves for the Rock Wall to expand into!  For now they can hold all my rock-appreciating paraphernalia, like my camera, microscope and loupe, various UV lights, and gemstone and mineral books.  But soon... oh yes, very soon... they will fill up with Cool Rocks.

[sign-from-god-complex]

How Does He Know You Love Him?

Summary: Things were different when they were kids. Of course they were, that was to be expected. However, not all of that change was for the better and Patton is realising some things definitely need to be fixed, sooner rather than later.

Pairing: Familial/platonic royality.

Warnings: Food mention, mentions of fighting/arguing.

A/N: Look, Roman deserves better in every single aspect of his life and that’s all I’m gonna say about that. Though, I wanna be clear that I am not blaming Patton for anything; that one is on him.

Tag list: @mutechild​ @super-magical-wizard​ @shadowsfromthesun​​

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Patton sighed heavily, flopping face-first onto the bed in front of him. It had been a difficult day. Everyone was stressed about the new video, Roman and Logan were arguing again and nobody showed up for dinner, even after all the effort Patton had put into cooking something for them.

It was a silly thing to get upset over, but Patton couldn’t help it. Dinner time was supposed to be family time! They were supposed to be a family but it all it ever seemed like they did nowadays was fight and it made Patton’s chest ache—mouth tightening, muscles tensing, with tears building up behind his eyes.

He wanted to help—wanted to make things better—but he didn’t know what to do.

In the end, Patton had eaten at the table alone, the pasta settling like a rock in his stomach. The leftovers had been placed in the fridge and Patton had trailed back to his room, feet dragging against the carpet beneath him.

The atmosphere was hazy, a golden glow hovering behind Patton's eyelids as he lay there, gazing out into the distance with no real purpose. It was too easy to remember, on days like this, the way things were when they were children. It hurt—every single time, it hurt—but it felt necessary. Important. He couldn't let those memories die.

Logan had been... softer, once. He hadn't yet reached a point of believing that emotions were the bane of all things—and sometimes Patton wonders what he did to deserve that ire—and instead, he had let himself get swept up in the magic that is existing. He’d been filled with wonder every other moment, questions bubbling up and out of his mouth like the liquids in those science experiments he was so fond of. He’d been tactile. Curious. Real.

Logan now feels like a hollowed out, angry facsimile of the side they used to know—wonder replaced by false arrogance and coldness—and Patton couldn’t help but feel like it was his fault somehow.

Patton and Roman had been... close as children. They were close now—at least, closer than he is with the others—but it felt like along the way Patton had lost something, began to misunderstand and Roman never corrected him. Sure, they were still close in that they spent a fair amount of time together, but Patton didn't really feel like he was truly seeing him anymore.

Roman didn't seem like he had changed from how he was as a kid—still excitable and dramatic; still self-centred and a show-off—but Patton wasn't sure that that was true. Something in Roman now seemed more fragile. Breakable. Fake.

He couldn't help but feel like that was his fault too.

It was his fault because he was the eldest. He was the one from the very beginning who prompted introductions, who learned how to cook to take care of the others, who organised games they could play together. Though supposedly the caring and compassionate side, Patton couldn't help but feel that he hadn't been very compassionate at all. They shouldn't be like this! It wasn't right!

But he didn't know how to help them.

He ran his hand through his hair, feeling the way each individual strand strained against the motion. His breathing was steady, a consistent rise and fall of his chest, his hand resting there on his stomach making him aware of every inhale and exhale. He shut his eyes as he felt warmth beading at the corners of them, slipping down his cheek as his bottom lip trembled.

It was regret. It was sadness. It was grief as Patton mourned the childhood joy the three of them had once had.

He missed the way Logan used to giggle, carefree and excited. It'd made Patton smile too just seeing it, wanting to wrap Logan up in a big hug and being able to.

He missed how he'd be intrigued by things he didn't understand, always willing to learn, to be corrected. He'd wanted to know everything, and Patton had told him he could. One day. Because they were kids and he didn't know any better.

Patton missed the way Roman used to invite him to play make-believe with him, informing him, "the Dragon Witch has you locked up in the tower, Pat, but I'm gonna save you! I promise!" and conjuring up little whispy enemies he could fight off with a wooden sword. And when he finally would reach the "tower" he would tackle hug Patton, running off of the happiness and elation at completing a quest.

Roman... rarely seemed so fulfilled now.

He missed the way Roman would sneak into his room after bad dreams and cry into his shoulder, allowing trusting Patton to comfort him and make it all better. Patton missed seeing Logan, upset from a piece of work not doing as well as expected, slipping into Patton's room for a hug or some reassurance. Patton missed being there for them.

Because lately, it felt like he hadn't been there at all.

He removed his glasses, wiping at his eyes with the fabric of his shirt. He didn't know what happened along the way that had messed things up so badly, but he wanted to make it right. He needed to make it right.

Somehow.

Shoving his glasses back onto his face unceremoniously, Patton shot up and made his way over to Roman’s room. He leaned against the doorway for a moment to fight against the dizziness making his head spin, before knocking—a gentle sound filled with years of hesitance and selfish intentions. The door was flung open almost immediately and Patton was thankful that he had moved or he likely would have been smacked in the face.

“Goodness, Patton, are you alright?!” Roman asked, his eyes scanning over Patton’s face, red and puffy from crying.

Patton nodded. “...Can I come in?”

Roman gestured into the room in lieu of an answer, tracking Patton’s movements as he made no effort to take a seat anywhere, instead simply hovering in the middle of the room and chewing his bottom lip. Evidentally, Roman was not going to take a seat either, as he stood opposite Patton, fixing him with a concerned look.

Patton took a deep breath in.

“You know I love you, right?”

It was pure desperation, the words not well thought out because thinking had never been his area. Patton winced inwardly as Roman tacked on a smile—unwavering but empty.

“Why of course I do!” There was something clearly off about Roman’s reply—something false and fake—and Patton felt so indescribably guilty that he hadn’t ever said anything before. “Is that all?”

He grabbed Roman’s hands, grip a little bit too tight and Roman eyes widened in surprise—one moment of vulnerability before a smile covered his features again.

“No. Ro, I don’t think you’re getting it. Do you—” His voice broke as Patton felt more tears spring to his eyes, but he ignored them in favour of getting his words out—“Do you really know that I love you? Do you know that I would be there for you if you were upset or stressed? That every time I see you fake a smile or lie so we don’t worry it breaks my heart? Do you know that I wish I could hug you and comfort you like I could when we were kids? Roman, do you truly know?”

Roman’s smile was gone, replaced by a look of shock and pain that Patton knew was justified. There was no reply—he just stood there, lips parted—but his expression was answer enough.

No. No, he didn’t know. How could he possibly know when no one ever told him?

Patton’s vision was blurry with tears and he blinked them away, taking a breath to calm himself enough to speak again.

“I love you. Every bit of you. Every mistake you make, every imperfect piece of art you present. I don’t know how to get you to trust me like that again, but—” Patton sniffed, fighting to keep going despite the tears trailing down his face—“I want to be there for you again, Ro. I wanna listen better when you speak; I wanna understand you and the decisions you make. Please… will you let me do that?”

Roman’s eyes were filled with tears now too, so taken aback by Patton’s words. It was the biggest display of negative emotion Patton had seen from him in far too long and it broke his heart. It broke his heart that Roman felt the need to bottle up his insecurities and his fears when he was right here wishing he could help him with them.

It was his fault.

But he was gonna make it better.

Patton barely had to open his arms in a hesitant offer of comfort before Roman dove straight towards him, his tears smearing against the hoodie hanging on Patton’s shoulders. He shook in his embrace—broken and tired from holding himself up so long alone—and Patton simply let him cry.

Fighting down the guilt pressing insistently at his throat, he murmured reassurances into the air around them, shushing Roman’s attempts at speech. There would be a chance to talk later. Right now, Patton had several years of love to make up for.

[gaijinginger]

Day 12 & Final Thoughts

Before I begin my “final night in Japan” rant, an update on my last 24 hours:

Today I went to the Tsukiji Fish Market and had the best sushi of my life. I couldn’t move for about 15 minutes afterwards. No big deal. Before that I had hoped to visit the Tokyo Museum of Advertising, although it’s apparently closed until December 2017. Another thing to do on my next trip. After wandering around the market for an hour or two and consuming more sushi in a single sitting than I have in several months, I went back to my hotel and took a quick power nap. Two weeks of travel is starting to catch up with me. Tonight, I got dinner with my waitress friend again, where we discussed the logistics of Dwayne Johnson’s impending presidential run (for the record: she’s for it, I’m against it) and why so many Americans hate Woody Allen (we both concede he’s a weird dude, but agree he’s made some great movies), among other things. Always cool to have friends in different places, especially a place as cool as Tokyo.

And now, the “final night in Japan” rambling:

As I sit here in my capsule hotel room, eating green tea Kit Kats and taking mental inventory of my possessions and bags, I am overwhelmed by feelings of great privilege and fortune. How incredibly lucky am I to have even been able to entertain the idea of a trip like this in the first place.

I was very nervous about this trip before I got here. This was not only my first trip to Japan, but my first solo trip. Between those two factors, I had significant hesitation before pulling the trigger. In retrospect, pulling said trigger was one of the best, if not the best decision I’ve ever personally made.

The first few days were a little nerve-wracking. Between the culture shock, jet lag, and sudden absolute autonomy, it was a LOT to take in. But I did it, to the fullest and best extent I could have hoped to. I did probably 80% of the things I came to Japan to do, and the rest will no doubt be taken on in subsequent trips (or full-blown stints here). I’m glad I didn’t come here for a long period of time right off the bat, but I’m seriously considering it in the future. This was admittedly a bit of a fact-finding trip: getting a feel for the place before diving right into my childhood dream of actually living here. Two weeks was dipping my toes. The water is fine. More than fine, it’s incredible. I loved every second of this trip.

Japan is a crazy place. The people are antisocial and politely racist, the scenery ranges from urban cyberpunk sprawls to rural mountainous wonderscapes, the public transit is amazing, there’s beer and canned coffee in vending machines on most every corner, and the toilets spray little automated jets of water on your bits at the touch of a button (the last point will be admittedly the thing I’ll miss most; I’m buying a bidet kit for my toilet at home as soon as possible).

Before I came on this trip, especially in the weeks leading up to it, I entertained the idea of what my perception would be like afterwards several times a day. Making oatmeal in my Allston kitchen, walking to Dunkin’ Donuts, brushing my teeth- what will these things feel like once I’ve gone to Japan and come back? I’m about to find out, but for the most part, I’m sure they’ll feel the same. I’ll go back to America, and I’ll probably feel more comfortable than I have in years. More in my element.

In America, I’m at the apex of the “privilege” hierarchy- a straight white blue-eyed light-haired 20something guy from a comfortable background. In Japan, I’m a gaijin. To be such a radical outsider was something I had never personally experienced prior to coming here, and the experience was nothing short of perception-shattering. But again, I’m sure that for the most part, my life will remain the same when I get home. The experiences and perspective I’ve gained from this trip will significantly enhance my life going forward, though. Making oatmeal will still be making oatmeal, and walking to Dunkin’ will still be walking to Dunkin’. But to be able to think back to this trip- “oh, right, I went to Japan by myself for two weeks. I can do this.” The feeling of self-assurance I’m filled with now will be an invaluable tool in my life going forward.

Of course, there are lots of things in life harder than going to Japan alone as a 20something white guy with a comfortable budget. But for me, it was a lot. It recalls a diagram I once saw about self-improvement: three concentric circles. The innermost circle is the comfort zone, where nothing changes. The middle circle is the growth zone, where positive change and personal growth occur. The outer circle is the danger zone, which shouldn’t require further explanation. This trip was at the bleeding edge of the growth zone for me. I don’t think I could have taken it on even a year ago.

I’ve always loved the idea of solo travel, but prior to this trip, it always carried a certain fear with it- “what if it’s too much? What if I mess up? What if something goes wrong?” I don’t have those thoughts anywhere near as much anymore. Taking this trip has helped me shed about 90% of that mindset.

The Japanese have a saying “shogunai,” which translates roughly as “it can’t be helped.” Train running late? Shogunai. Flat tire? Shogunai. Forgot your umbrella on a rainy day? Shogunai. As a kind of greater cultural ethos, it’s why Japanese people generally reserve being stressed for things that they have direct control over, like work. Things that can’t be helped don’t deserve undue worry. At the risk of sounding “namaste,” this trip has helped me adopt a significantly more “shogunai” way of approaching life and its many complications.

Before taking this trip I heard a story about a man who goes around the world looking for his “treasure,” only to return home and find that it was right where he started. The moral of this story is supposed to be that life shouldn’t require grand narratives and self-imposed “adventures” to be fulfilling; true enlightenment and happy living is an inner thing. I saw a pretty funny t-shirt online yesterday that echoed a similar concept: a picture of Mt. Fuji and some traditional Japanese shrines overlaid with the caption “I don’t need therapy, I need to go to Japan.” I tried my best not to approach this trip with that mindset, and for that reason, it was a completely fantastic experience. I didn’t arrive in Japan expecting to leave with some fundamental truth about life that I was lacking beforehand, and I certainly won’t be leaving with any… otherwise this blog would evolve into the web store for the next tacky self-help/self-love book written by a white guy who goes to Asia and appropriates eastern mysticism (working title “The Secret 2: Buy This Book So I Can Come Eat More Sushi Here Next Year”).

For me, Japan was never a hypothetical. Rather, it was an inevitability (that line has been rattling around in my head for as long as I’ve been thinking of coming here, so now seems as good a time as any to put it to print). For as long as I’ve been familiar with the concept of travel, I’ve wanted to come here. I never expected to find the key to happiness here. I expected Japan, and what I found was absolutely, positively, 1000% Japan. Wacky, glorious Japan. It’s a country unlike any other place on earth, and I simply can’t wait for my next opportunity to return. When I do, it won’t be for some second shot at tacky “namaste” enlightenment. It will be for sushi, ramen, the Shinkansen, Toto toilets, capsule hotels, Onsens, weird English signs, and more history and culture than you can shake a katana at. It’ll be for sitting in a quiet mountain valley sipping a beer and eating a pork cutlet over rice, then hopping on the train for an hour and stepping off into a neon-studded scene from “Blade Runner” to grab some coffee flavored jello cubes and take in a VR show. And yes, it will be for the rare and uncomfortable joy of being the only white guy in a communal shower filled with confused Japanese men.

This trip has been indescribably amazing for me and to reiterate, I can’t underscore exactly how fortunate I feel to have been able to get even a glimpse into Japan’s inarticulable majesty through it. Looking back at my experiences over the past two weeks, I am humbled and awed beyond measure. Thank you all so much for sharing this journey with me. I’ll probably make another post in the next few days as a retrospective when I’m back in the U.S., but until then, peace.