#i am feeling better now than i was ~6 hours ago.. crazy how much a shower makes u feel better sometimes :P

[the-pickle-jar]

weh

[homestylehughes]

jack Hughes- noise

noise- jack hughes

summary: where jack is the only noise you ever want to hear.

wc:725

PSAAAA: hiii!!! if you clicked on this story thank you so much!! I'm new to writing on tumblr so I'm still learning!! so pls be nice ( I promise I'll get better) anyways hope you enjoy, let me know what you think below (omfg I'm sorry this is so long I'll stfu now<3)

fic below:

time is moving slowly, each time i look at the clock. time is moving slower and slower. I used to love being alone, i used to love my noiseless life, or the noises that i found simple and easy. like the noise of my ac blowing when doing my homework. or the occasional noise of my favorite records i’d play, and dance too around my apartment at 2 am. now i have a different type of noise in my life, jack hughes. 

if you would have told me a year and half ago, i be waiting to hear noise fill up my life and apartment; i’d tell you you’re crazy. my noise being jack hughes. there’s nights like these where i really want him here, to feel his noise.  

the devils lost to the Sharks tonight 6-3. after coming off a 3 game heater, i knew this loss would be hard for them. for him. i waited for him to call, to hear the noise of his ringtone, for it to ring through my ears. constantly glancing at the clock on my wall, as i see the time ticking by, slower and slower. i just wanted to hear my favorite noise. after most losses, jack didn’t come over. i respected that, i knew he needed space sometimes, and i would always give that too him. but right now i was missing my noise, i wanted nothing more than to grab my keys and head out the door, drive 40 minutes to his place. i wanted nothing more than to call in 15 times, spam him with texts, to let him know that i missed him and that i’m here for him. that i missed his noise.  

the game ended 3 hours ago. i keep looking at the clock, time is still moving slowly. i make my way to my bedroom, throwing on one jacks shirts. i slowly make my way to my bed, a bed that feels cold without him. i close my eyes, and try to think of something that can send me off to sleep. all of my thoughts are about jack, and how much i miss his smile. his laugh. his sassy comments. his kisses, oh god how much i miss his kisses. and most importantly his noise. my thoughts are starting to slowly fade, my eyes start to slowly close. as my eyes flutter close for the last time.

 i hear a pounding at my door, i glance at my clock and the time reads 3:30 am. who’s here at 3:30 am? i slowly make my way through my apartment, turning a light in the hallway, in which i immediately regret. i turn the handle at the door, not knowing who to expect. my mind goes foggy when i see jack standing in my hallway. all my thoughts are immediately consumed by him again. all of my thoughts are consumed by his noise.

“hi” i say, as i look at jack who’s still standing in the hallway outside my apartment. “hi” jack breathes back out to me. our eyes never leave each other. i can’t take the space anymore, i can’t take the silence. i need his noise.

 i pull him into my apartment and slam the door behind us. the next thing i know is jacks body slamming into mine. pulling me into the biggest and tightest hug ive ever received. we stand in my living room of my apartment, embraced in each other arms. no words need to be said between us. i slowly pull apart, too look into his eyes. scanning his face to see any sign of injury, instead all i find is love and calmness.

 i grab his hand and led him into my room. knowing my bed will no longer be cold with him in it. no other words have been exchanged yet, no other words need to be exchanged. we get into bed, and jack quickly pulls me into his flush body.

i can feel his noise. i can hear his noise. the steady sound of his breathing. the sound of his heart beating beneath me. this is all i need. his noise. my favorite noise jack. my jack. i slowly fall asleep to the sound of his noise, and now i'm no longer alone. my noise, my home is back.

[saintmagx]

✨ Cruel Summer ✨

pairing: Solo Sikoa x reader, Jey Uso x reader (briefly)

AN: Literally making this for myself, so if I do ever end up publishing - enjoy I guess? 🤪

w/c: 1198

⚠️ Warnings: 18+ , swearing, violence (this is the WWE after all) slight smut, infidelity(if you squint), jealous Jey, toxic behaviour, bad/embarrassing writing ⚠️

doesn’t follow a specific timeline however it is more recent, total divas making a return.

✨ I love you ain’t that the worst thing you’ve ever heard - he looks up grinning like the devil ✨

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“I dunno Trin, the thought of being recorded for 12 hours of the day, like, I enjoy my privacy”.

“Think about it as an opportunity, having the fans see a different side of you. Showing them how hard you work your ass off.”

Trinity is my best friend, she helped me out so much when I joined the WWE 6 years ago. She and her husband Jon took me into their family and helped me adapt into the crazy world of being a WWE superstar.

“Just think about it is all I’m saying. It’ll be fun” trin says nudging me.

Ever since I moved here, we have had a weekly tradition of Wednesday Girls Night, its just snacks, Chinese takeout, and movies, it’s just time for us to catch up and wind down from the gruelling travel schedule.

Right on queue at exactly 11:30pm Jon walks in the door.

“Times up ladies” he says, which is swiftly followed by two pillows being thrown at his head.

“Come on uce, you know better than to interrupt gIrLs NiGhT”

The couch beside me dipped and once again I felt the heat from the body of Josh Fatu, my one weakness. His hand falls to his side and creeps closer to me caressing the side of my bare thigh. You see what people don’t know is Josh and I have an ‘agreement’ - no feelings, just sex and friendship, and it was going great until it wasn’t, feeling were caught, specifically by me and I’m stuck between a rock and hard place as I’m falling hard for him, but I cant let this agreement end because I would rather have him this way than not have him at all.

“Spoke with Joe today, Hunter is bringing him up to the main roster, can’t wait to have my other younger brother fighting by my side”. A third pillow is thrown at Jon from the direction of Josh.

“We are twins, and you are only older by 8 minutes”.

Never a dull moment where the Fatu boys are concerned.

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First day of filming (TD Interview Segment)

Okay, so lets start with a basic intro okay? Ready, go!

The room falls silent the light shines bright on me, I have at least 6 pair of eyes on me, goading me into starting. Gosh why did I sign up to do this!!!

Hi there, my names yn, I am currently on the Smackdown roster and I am the current WWE Women’s Champion.

I’ve been with the WWE for 6 years now and I wouldn’t have survived if it wasn’t for my adoptive sister Trinity, she took me under her wing and I’ve been there ever since. As you guys know – and if you didn't know, the accent should be a huge giveaway, I’m originally from the United Kingdom, I came to the states with a dream in hand and no one there to help me through this bumpy ride. I can never repay her or Jon for the way they have accepted and welcomed me into their little dynamic. Although, travelling the world with Jon and Josh is hard work, they boys are chaotic, I don't know how Trin managed to do it herself for so long!

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Friday Night Smackdown, Atlanta Georgia, 8 weeks before Survivor Series

Walking into the arena for Smackdown I get a message from Hunter asking to meet him in his office. A mixture of anxiety and curiosity fill in the pit of my stomach. In his office I’m met with the familiar faces of Jon, Josh, and Joseph, smiling I look over to Hunter who invites me to sit.

“I got your message, what’s up?

“We have been toying with the idea of a cross brand rivalry - for Survivor Series. Now that Joe has come up to the main roster, we think the Usos and Solo v The Judgement Day would pique interest from the WWE universe.”

“So why am I here?”

“Demi is the Women’s World Champion and part of Judgment Day; it would only seem right that she faces the Women’s Champion”.

Without hesitation I accept. Hunter debriefs us on how it’s going to play out over the next few weeks. We will have to be on both RAW and Smackdown over the next few weeks, so looks like it will be me and the brothers travelling together since Trin is exclusive to Smackdown!

Gorilla, few hours later (TD segment)

Tonight, I have a singles match, however Demi has to interfere and cost me the match – thus starting our road to Survivor Series.

I see Hunter in his usual place over at the screens with his headset on talking to Randy Orton, Randy spots me and immediately comes over to me.

“There’s my favourite girl.”

“I wouldn’t let your wife hear you say that Randy”.

Randy Orton, he is exactly how you would imagine him to be, a cocky little shit, flirtatious as hell, a menace but he has a heart of gold. Many nights we would hit the gym together and training with him before his injury really improved my in-ring ability. He is another one I would call my family away from family.

A familiar scent fills my nostrils, Josh. He stands next to me wrapping his arm around me pulling me closer, as if to stake his claim in me.

“I’ve been looking for you, come on let’s go”.

I smile apologetically at Randy, he just waves me off laughing, as much as I say people don’t know anything about me and Josh, it’s not to say there isn’t rumours flying around, people have their own take on it, and that’s okay, we just laugh it off.

Trin and Jon (TD Interview segment)

“You see yn and josh think they are so slick hiding their little late-night rendezvous” says Jon

Trin sighing, “I just wish they would bang their heads together and realise they are meant to be. Think of the double dates we could finally have Jon.”

Jon’s laugh fills the small interview room, “yeah it would be sweet, and yn is already like family, it would be an easy transition.”

Away from the cameras

“What were you talking to Randy about?” Josh quizzes

“Nothing, you came in and ushered me away before I could say anything.”

“Good, I don’t like it when you get attention from other guys, just me, okay?”

“I think you’ll find Josh that I can speak to who I like”. I say frustrated with his behaviour.

You see as much as I love Josh, this, this right here the way he wants to have his cake and eat it too drives me insane. I so much as look at another guy and he is right there to remind me I’m his, yet he can look at and speak to as many girls and I can’t say shit.

“I’ve got a match to get to, I’ll see you later J.”

“Goodluck out there baby girl, not that you need it.” Before he can come any closer to me, I slip out the room and let my frustrated sigh out. How much longer am I going to keep torturing myself.  

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[hazshit-hotel-hater]

Ok a rant about Cerri bomb and how much I HATE her

In the addict music video she was a very supportive friend of Angel and I loved her in the pilot! I wish we got that supportive best friend to Angel in the final product, but unfortunately she is a woman in a vivziepop show.

She’s AWFUL now I can’t stand her, the way she tried to make Angel relapse was so weird like pilot cherri wouldn’t do that! I also really dislike her design it has to be one of my personal least favourites (not the bottom though nothing is worse than alastors design to me) she isn’t enjoyable to watch anymore she had potential if she’d only been introduced earlier! Imagine if she was introduced in episode 4 and played the supportive friend she was originally supposed to be!

And GOD I hate her ship with pentious, it was SO RUSHED, so poorly done and the ship isn’t very “so cute and in love!!” When you remember she showed literally NO interest in him until Angel brought up that he has 2 dicks, and this is supposed to be a romantic relationship we CARE about.

Cherri didn’t need a romantic relationship she needed CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT we needed to get to know her! If you’ve only seen the show and no other Hazbin media at all (which shouldn’t be required you should be able to get all your info FROM THE SHOW) you’d barely know anything about her character or who she is. I wish we got pilot cherri bomb, and that she got a design update, and that her and pent’s relationship was either taken slower or didn’t happen at all

You silly little creature you, you have me writing in my notes app instead of Tumblr because I’m about to go crazy!

Cherri Bomb. More like Cherri what the hell happened

Anyway I’m gonna tackle this one thing at a time, and also forgive me if I word something weird I just woke up an hour ago at the time of writing this.

First thing, design: I personally quite like her design since it very loosely reminds me of Iris from Ruby Gloom with ofc the one eye, the very rowdy personality and kind of the hair, but those are very broad design choices and its just me remembering some random girl I thought was silly but like Iris did it better.

Okay now second thing and then we go into literally everything else: My blog has been an angry pit of despair for everything in Episode 6 as of recent so let’s tap into that again 🤏 just a little. I am going to give my classic centrist opinion and say I don’t mind Cherri Bomb all that much but I absolutely get why people dislike her, and I mean this in the kinda way as people who dislike… Idk Fukuchi from BSD. WILD jump in fandoms but gimme a second. I can’t 100% say that Cherri Bomb in the pilot was better than the series since we have no idea if maybe for some reason she was intended to be like that offscreen, but judging by the pilot and “Addict” alone, it’s very unlikely. I could see her maybe being a bad influence at times and being like “Loosen up dude we’re in hell and its Friday” or something (idk if they have Friday in hell but everyday is probably Monday 🥁) but overall I feel like she’d end up apologising for it. However on the other side of things, I can understand why Cherri did that in Episode 6. Of course not to say this is okay, but Cherri is still very clearly not in the “redemption” mindset. She’s happy the way she is and is really only focused on certain aspects of issues. We see her comfort Angel in “Addict” but thats basically the extent of it. Cherri’s definition of “self-care” seems to be less of actually taking care of yourself and more like just letting go and having fun instead which really only gives a momentary fix to the issue, much like how substances can be abused. Do you kinda see what im getting at? Cherri offering Angel drugs while he’s trying not to relapse is not okay, full stop. But her reasoning as to why makes a bit of sense for her purpose in the show which is honestly not much, since, as you said, she is a woman in a Vivziepop show.

To my knowledge Cherri is like 30-ish years younger than Angel Dust in Hell experience so she’s likely not reached a point where she’s gotten tired of how things work, as well as the fact we don’t really have much of an idea on her backstory aside from that random shot in “Addict” of that guy in a puddle??? But generally she seems to be in a better position than Angel is, so there isn’t really any reason for her to want to change, yknow? I will say I do like exploring characters that are good friends while still being bad influences at times, but I’m going to be honest I feel like thats really not what Angel needs right now. I wouldn’t be as pissy about it if she did end up apologising afterwards (I’m just gonna headcanon she did for my sanity) but even then as Angel’s friend we don’t know like… anything about her. I would’ve really liked to get some kind of callback to the pilot where Cherri mentions she thought Angel was dead until the random Sir Pentious turf war, and maybe we could see her actually being worried about Angel again instead of those 3 frames in “Addict”, but Hazbin is rushed and I guess we don’t have time for that. And also YES it would’ve been great to see her in Episode 4 and actually doing something but again, Vivziepop is boring.

Going forward I would really like to see Cherri, if not become a patron, at least try to be a better friend and sure if she wants to keep doing stuff she can keep doing it, but just don’t encourage other people to relapse. It is very simple.

SIR PENTIOUS! About Sir Pentious, this is going to be incredibly short. I don’t hate the ship but also I’m not really crazy about any of the Hazbin Hotel ships? I also don’t really hate any except for the genuinely horrid ones but thats basic sense. I absolutely agree with you, Cherri does not need a romantic interest. Romance doesn’t always = growth and growth should not always = romance. She needs some genuine character TLC and I hope to god she gets some in season 2. We’ve only seen a few minutes of her so I have yet to give a firm opinion, but as of now I’m just hoping they do something actually interesting with her instead of just alluding to Sir Pentious ship. Also the penis thing. 1. What was that, and 2. It made me and my friends briefly pause to sex Sir Pentious and come to the conclusion he is likely transgender/hj

TLDR; Please give us a fun Cherri Bomb again. ☹️

[moonlightgrisha]

Show me

Ch. 6 He knows who you are, now, and he wishes to know you better. [Masterlist] Previous - Next

Your new room is beautiful, even more than your apartment in the Grand Palace. The view is beautiful too, on the courtyard and the surrounding wall, and the windows are not even sealed closed, meaning he doesn't think you could, or want to escape.

You sit there, looking at the refined tapestry on the wall, uncertain whether or not you should feel a prisoner.

You met Genya, a few hours ago. You had just shown to your new quarters, and the General was gone. He had been silent, and polite, and mysterious enough to drive you crazy.

But you knew Genya. You already met her while she was attending the Queen. You always liked her, and the two of you also gossiped a little, during those endless receptions.

She found you wandering around the room like a caged creature. She had brought some lunch with her, and she smiled. "I thought you could use a friend", she said.

"I didn't realize we were friends", you replied, with a hint of hope.

"Well, how convenient I'm determined to be one". She sat down at a small table in front of the window and gestured to the chair in front of her.

"Did he send you?" you asked, sitting down.

"Of course he did", Genya replied. "It was the most sensible thing to do. But it doesn't mean I'm not genuinely interested in how you are feeling now. Or curious to know what happened".

"I guess I do have a story to tell", you said.

You told her everything, and you felt relieved.

Genya listened, and fell silent for a long time once you had ended you tale.

"You are safe, here", she eventually said. "You can be what you are".

"You mean a weapon?" you replied. "A valuable tool, for them to use? Because that's not what I am".

You immediately realized you had struck a nerve. Genya lowered her eyes, and seemed to drift away, but just for a moment.

"We all have to endure, if we wish to be eventually free", she concluded. She sounded so wise, and she was right.

"Am I his prisoner?" you asked, right before Genya left. You both knew who you were referring to, and there was no need to explain.

"He will say you are his guest", she whispered. "But actually, you are what you make yourself".

She paused, and before walking out the door, she said: "He wishes you joined him for dinner, tonight. That's why he sent me in the first place".

Your heart missed a beat. "You can tell him I will be pleased to accept his invitation".

It felt the right thing to say, but now, as you wait for someone to come and take you to him, you are not so sure anymore.

You hear a knock at the door. You rush to open it. Ivan, the Heartrender, the General's right hand man, is there.

You follow him through the unfamiliar corridors of the Little Palace, suddenly feeling a little homesick. There's life behind all those closed doors you are passing by, people just like you, blessed or cursed with strange powers, and you wonder if you'll ever be part of their world, or if you'll just stay forever in between, being neither Grisha, neither otkasat'sya.

Ivan opens the doors of the General's quarters, then disappears.

The Darkling welcomes you in.

He wears is black kefta, but the collar is unbuttoned. He is dashing like a prince, and you proceed to ignore him and his piercing dark eyes, while you make a few steps inside the room.

It is comfortably warm, the walls are filled with bookshelves and maps, and candles have been lit in every corner. There is a small table set for two, and he gallantly moves the chair for you to sit on.

He knows how to behave around royalty, and you remember you are a princess. When he sits in front of you, you look haughtily down at him and say nothing.

"I trust you found your quarters comfortable", he says.

"Yes, they are suitable", you answer. You also manage to add: "Thank you", but it doesn't come easily.

Dinner is exquisite, and you haven't eaten much the whole day, but you struggle to enjoy it as you would in any other occasion.

You notice there is only water on the table. "No wine?"

"I like a clear head", he replies. "Although, occasionally, I might indulge a little fog".

"But not tonight".

"Not tonight".

You stare at each other and you feel the urge to say something, anything to break the silence.

"Of course. You must need a clear mind, to interrogate me".

He chuckles. "Interrogate you?"

"Isn't this the purpose of it all?" you make a gesture to the table. "I deceived you, and I would, still, if you hadn't exposed my secret so... easily. Actually, what was that? I didn't even know I could summon in the daytime".

"I amplify other Grisha's powers".

"Simply by touching them?"

"Simple as that".

You raise your eyebrows, considering it. "How unconvenient. People must have tried to use you too".

You expect him to reply, instead he says nothing. When you look at him, he's staring at you, but he seems to have drifted somewhere else, deep in his memories.

"That's what you'll do to me", you add, trying to ignore the fact that your words might have resonated in him more than you wished for. "You'll use me to gain power, victories or whatever it is that you crave".

"You paint me quite the tyrant", he replies, sharply. "And to think you don't even know me".

"And you don't know me".

"Yet, you assume you know my... cravings".

You might have blushed.

"Fine. That was quite unfair. Those weren't your words, after all. They were the King's".

He stands up, like the only mention of the King has made him restless. Maybe he has ran out of his patience. You are almost going to dismiss yourself, when he stops by the window and speaks again.

"I was wondering if you could show me".

"Show you what?!"

He turns to you. "Your light".

You are almost speechless. "You have seen my light".

"Not really", he answers. "That was me, calling it for you. But tonight is a fine night". He looks out the window again, his shape barely lit. "A perfect, bright full moon".

When he turns, he's looking hopeful. You feel a knot in your throat.

But deep inside, you are inexplicably excited.

You raise your hand, just a few inches above your leg, as you are still sitting down. You can feel the full moon like a limb of your body, and it's easy to let it come to you.

A ticklish, sparkling light emerges from your palm. It moves towards your wrist, flickering, then it slips down on your knuckles.

The Darkling stands frozen at the window frame, like he's suddenly unable to talk, or move, or be anything else than hypnotized by your evanescent, soft moonlight.

Then he approaches you, but slowly, like he's afraid you'll take it away if he comes too close. For a moment, you enjoy the thought of having that kind of power over him.

But reality surpasses your fantasy, as he kneels down in front of you.

You are face to face now, and you get lost in his eyes, darker than the night itself, filled with unsaid promises, and mysteries you can't help but wonder. He doesn't stop looking at you, while he lifts his hand, placing it a few inches above yours.

Darkness comes floating out of his fingers, like black waterpaint, so softly you wouldn't even think of its deadly power. It surrounds your sparkles of moonlight, but instead of suffocating them, it makes them glow even brighter.

It's like a small galaxy has found its place beneath his hand and yours.

It seems he could stay like that forever. And, damn it, you could too.

Instead, you ask, with the faintest whisper: "Am I your prisoner?"

He answers quietly. "You are my guest".

Something breaks inside you. You close your fist, and just like that your moonlight is gone.

His shadows dissipate like smoke from a candle, as you stand up from your chair. "It was a most... instructive evening. I am quite tired, now, and I wish to rest".

He stands up too, and walks you to the door like nothing has happened. You successfully keep the same blank face, ignoring the weird heartache that's tearing you apart.

"Goodnight".

And so you are back to reality. Back to the beautiful room that might be a prison, if you decide it is one. The window next to your bed gives you the best view on the night sky, and you wonder if that's why you were given that room in the first place.

The moon reminds and remembers. It is never gone, it only hides. Whatever happened tonight, it won't be gone tomorrow. You extend your arms above you and let the light come back to you, just because it feels good, and ask yourself if he ever does the same with his shadows.

Hi everybody. I hope you are enjoying this story so far. Please remember English is not my first language, and that I'm writing purely for fun. If you appreciate my work, please like, repost or leave a comment. You'll make my day! See you next.

Taglist @budugu

[runfast-runfar]

Little Positive Life Update 😊

⭐ I talked things through with my friend who I was having a bit of a rough patch with, and honestly it just took a bit of communicating/seeing things from each others perspective and realigning to move forward stronger. While I was really sad about it all when it was happening I wasn't actually panicking as badly as I would have been in the past. I just felt really sad bc I did not mean to make her feel the way she was expressing feeling, but once we talked she also wasn't quite understanding what I was trying to relay to her... so it got talked through, worked out, and now we know how to handle this type of situation better in the future. Crazy how hiccups don't cause people to just run for the hills and drop you!?? And that communicating makes relationships stronger!?!?? Who knew lol

⭐ I signed up to run the SF Marathon next year!! I am SO excited to marathon train again and I feel like it'll be so good for me! I haven't ran more than 6 miles in about 2 years now... and so it'll take quite a bit of actual training.. but I want to prove to myself I can bounce back! I also have fallen back in love with running, I had burnt myself out in 2022 with doing back to back marathons and being afraid ed wise to not run/have days off and I just completely fell out of love with the sport. So I ran shorter distances for a bit, then took about a year off completely, and it sent me into a bit of an identity spiral without that hobby, but ultimately it saved my relationship with running. About 3 months ago I started running ~3 mile runs a few days a week and then increased from there and I am in love with it again! And I am so grateful and glad!! I have set up my running maintenance plan (too early to start actually training for the summer marathon) and the goal is to get back to 6 miles being my easy run distance and then begin to work in some speed work and have 2 days a week of gym/cross training.

⭐ But yes, loving that running spark being back!!

⭐ I went on a date this week with a guy I met on hinge and I was so hesitant to go (I have never dated and it's not something I felt much interest in) and it went so well for a first date! We met up for drinks and ended up staying and talking until they closed (so for 3 hours) which apparently is a good sign lol And we have a second date this saturday to go into the city and walk around to see all the holiday decorations and just roam about!

I do have to admit, I am really nervous because at the end of our first date he asked if he could kiss me (very very considerate to have asked!) and he gave me an out if I wasn't comfortable and so I politely said no but I did like meeting him and would love to get together again. And he reached out two days later asking about a date this weekend! But i'm a bit nervous he'll ask about kissing again and it's not that i'm like against it, at all, it's that I have never kissed anyone and I am really afraid I won't know how.. so so stupid I know.. and I know i'm a grown adult and I don't want to admit i'm nervous because I haven't kissed anyone!!? But it's stressing me out a bit :( But all in all, so glad I went on the date, and glad (but nervous) there is a second!

⭐ I adopted a turkey for thanksgiving this year for the first time and ugh my heart!!! I saw @laurenelizb 's post about her adopting one and I HAD to do it!! I decided to adopt "the besties" Serena and Thelma since I am obsessed with these two ducks at the pond near my house that I call the duckie besties!! So it was a perfect match :)

⭐ I am getting back into yoga as well as running, and I genuinely forgot how good it feels to just stretch your body! So happy I am finally prioritizing doing so much self-care and putting myself first because it's seriously increased my mood tenfold!

⭐ Anyway.. I want to keep this update positive and focus on the good things more than ruminating on the harder things! So we will end with that :)

[libra-stellium]

My recent Venus transits!

Description from Planets in transit - Robert Hand

Venus trine Pluto (Apr 1 - Apr 5)

Transit intensifies your emotional expression and makes relationships more intense

It's already 4/16 and I swear I'm still feeling this lol leading up to the eclipse on 4/8 I remember thinking about "omg....am I happy..??" bc I was feeling joy randomly like walking around smiling type of shit lmao and at first I was like omg this is embarrassing but then I looked back to exactly a year ago and I was definitely cosplaying joy oops but not anymore!

Under Venus-Pluto love is not an intellectual abstraction, it is felt and expressed through the mind, emotions and body

So real! I go through periods where I don't listen to music and then I remember music exists and I get obsessed and I could feel every single song and I was telling everyone about what I was currently loving lol I also started getting back into fandoms and like being part of the group excitement feels so great!

Transit is capable of producing profound and useful psychological insights, don't be afraid of them

My pluto is in the 9H and I was having a lot of thoughts about religion lol I'm not religious at all but I was thinking it's so crazy how in the same weekend I was thinking "wow...religion is probably the worst thing to happen to humanity!" One of my friends was getting baptized to dedicate her life to the lord like...omg lol and I was talking to my aunt about religion too bc in 2020 when everything was closed she had literally been a completely different person mentally, a better person, and the only change was that she wasn't going to church and now she's back and her thoughts are insufferable to me again lmao

Venus opposite Sun (Apr 5 - Apr 8)

Transit introduces pleasantness into your life through good times, agreeable relationships, sexual attraction and friendship

This transit was such a fun time! Been feeling very happy and it was the weekend and the day of the eclipse and I after the eclipse went exact! I was talking to a lot of my friends more than usual and we were cracking jokes the whole time lol tears streaming down my face jokes lmao

The problems you'll confront are overindulgence, lack of self discipline, and unwillingness to work

Yeah I did overdo it at happy hour 4/5 and felt like shit 4/6 lol and I looked at my budget app to see I ordered food every single day from 4/1-4/7 and I was like omg that's embarrassing!

Venus trine Jupiter (Apr 10 - Apr 14)

One of the best transits that brings grace, ease, and pleasant social interactions

Loved this transit! I have venus sextile jupiter natally so as a native venus-jupiter girlie I was thriving! It was great how easily I was making people laugh lmao I love that so much!! I was with friends on 4/13 and had a great time even tho the event we were at tried to scam us! I even made one of my coworkers laugh lmao I'm remote so it was over email and she said "that is hysterical!!!" to a joke I made about our case I was so proud!

You may meet someone who will be of great service later

Idk if it counts as "meeting" but I had a meeting with my mentor on 4/11 and she connected me with someone over email and we scheduled to talk in june lol hopefully the "great service" is her helping get a new job!

There may be a romantic interest throughout the day but transit isn't strong enough to bring about a major relationship

Thissss!! Okay when I wrote out the transit I was about to leave this out bc I have not been dating and I've only been hanging out with my own friends if I leave my apt lol but on 4/13 my friend's sister invited some of her friends and this guy was so obvious with his crush on me lol he wasn't my type but it was adorable how he was like intrigued by me saying basic things and the place didn't have a lot of seating and after getting a drink I came back to the table and he like jumped up to let me sit LMFAO ngl i love when men are obsessed with me like this

Transit benefits financial interest, good day to invest in entertainment, leisure activities or the arts

I finally got paid that half of my check that was missing! And it worked out so perfectly bc I kept my money in my checking and didn't transfer it to my credit card in case they didn't pay me again and when I saw I got paid i transferred it immediately on the same day my card statement closes and usually the bank takes days to process but they did it in less than 12hrs and my statement closed at $0!! love that for me lol

Not a good day to start things that require a lot of energy, you may be inclined to sit around and do nothing

I was chilling on 4/14 watching TV and tiktok and then my bestie and I made some event reservations for our trip!

Venus opposite Venus (Apr 12 - Apr 16)

Pleasant transit, you feel at ease with yourself and self-indulgent, which is fine as long as you don't have work to be done

Real chill time! I'm starting to look around like....it's suspicious i'm not doing anything

You are likely to buy some expensive frivolity on a whim or an expensive pasttime only to regret the cost later

The only thing I bought was the amsterdam city card thing and a flight to come back home from NY lmfaooo that better not be what I regret later! The flight we bought we got first class seats only because the economy ticket plus paying for a bag was $10 less than first class lol that's a no brainer to me!

[anxietysslave]

Ranting; A bittersweet goodbye

So starting this off, I think I'm going to start a ranting side of Tumbler as well as the stories. Sometimes sharing thoughts and feelings out into the open can help others, or can help me because people might be able to explain or just conversation. So here's one thought that's been in my head. I think the hardest thing for me to accept is death itself. Or even goodbyes. How do you say goodbye? How do you let those memories go? Recently, a YouTuber I grew up with known as Game Theory retired. Like everyone else, he’s not safe from the decay of time. Or wanting things to go back to how they were. He wanted to settle down and live with his family in the present, rather than through a camera. Which I understand completely. But at the same time… It hurts. I grew up with him. He was someone I looked up to for a long time, along with other YouTubers. And now… He’s going to be just a memory. It’s a bittersweet feeling, isn’t it? It makes me happy seeing them live their lives, but also sad because it means any memories I had are over now. A good start with a bitter-sweet ending. Some say one door closes, and another opens. But where do those doors lead to? It’s not going to be the first childhood idol I’m going to have to say goodbye to. Soon it’ll be the ones I’ve known even longer since I was 5 or 6. The feeling of getting home from school, putting YouTube on, and watching them play old crappy games of the 2000s was such a nice feeling. It brought comfort, joy, and so much more. I still get that, although it does not feel as cloudly, or hazy as it used to. And now, as the days go by, I get older. And they get way older. Someday instead of mourning their channel loss, it’ll be their death. And that’s a hard pill to swallow. These people have never met me, and never will probably. But they’ve all been such a big inspiration to me. They’ve molded who I am today and changed me for the better. At least I hope so.

When school gets tough, or when I’m struggling, their videos help me calm down. Their videos still bring me a sense of peace, even though it may not be as strong as when I was a kid. And I believe a lot of people feel that way. These days are scary, colder, and just so much more different than what anyone is used too. So of course, just like everything around us and ourselves, they change with time. People like to think it’s them that caused it, but it never was. We grew up, our eyes forcibly opened by many factors. And even those who haven’t, they’ve changed a lot since they were a kid. A lot of people say they never do, but all it takes is a look at a picture. Anytime I see photos of me when I was younger, I see a few similar things. But that’s it. My eyes look different, my smile, my hair, my physical appearance, how I present myself, everything has changed. Which is probably why these goodbyes hurt more. I try to go into denial as a coping mechanism. I deny they’re gone; I deny I won’t see them again, I pretend one day I’ll go on YouTube and there’s a new video uploaded an hour ago. But deep down, I know it isn’t going to happen. It’s crazy how YouTube became my coping mechanism in a way. I turned to people like Game Theory or Jacksepticeye, Markiplier, Dantdm, and even more. They have no idea who I am or anything about me. But it feels like they’re almost a parental figure to me. That sounds weird, but I have no other way to put it. So when you say goodbye to them, it hurts more than ever. Because I see them as someone close to me. Maybe it’s a bad thing, maybe it’s not. I can’t say. Human emotions, human thoughts, they’re all so complex. Even for me to understand. I can’t explain anything about why I feel how I do. I’m not a doctor. I’m no neuroscientist. I’m someone who just tries their best to get to where they want to be in life. To learn to find joy in small things like the wind, the cold or warm breeze in the air, the white snow that falls on the ground, and even something as bad as the natural disasters that harm us. I’m not a genius or anything of that sort. And even they can’t explain the reason we feel sad, or why we form connections to people we’ve never met or animals. The only thing we all have are estimations. There are no true or false answers. And who knows, maybe one day a goodbye won’t feel so bittersweet, or maybe I can come to terms with the fact that those who pass on are no longer here with us on this earth. That’s weird, isn’t it? I understand death, but at the same time, emotionally I don’t understand it. My brain can’t seem to grasp or doesn’t want to grasp the fact that someone’s gone. That I can never see them again. And although the Game Theory creators, Mat and Steph are not dead, it hits that way to me. In a way at least. 

I just wish them well in their next chapter. This ones come to an end, and all the fans can agree that it's been an amazing and long one. So many times everyone would debate these theories or help look for evidence. Others would argue about whether it's right or wrong, and then a lot of the time Mat would be proven right. I wonder, what journey will we all take next? What will be the start of our new chapters as we enter 2024?

Requests and other related stuff: https://www.tumblr.com/anxietysslave/708212002841083904/masterlist?source=share

[darklovecat]

other glow up tips?

My Experience with Lasik Eye Surgery (Trans-PRK).

Investing in laser eye surgery was one of my most important parts of my physical glow up. My eyes are my best features, they're pretty, big round, dark brown, but didn't exactly work (5 dioptries). Either way, you couldn't tell because they were either hidden behind a frame of glasses, blodshot and half-closed due to lenses, or covered by extremely unnatural looking bright blue color contacts (God please forgive me). I ditched them all, got them lasered and look and feel 100% better.

Lenses.

I hate them. All the times I dropped and lost them, all the times my eyes would turn watery the moment I put them on, and the one time it got stuck in my eye and I couldn't find it and almost had a panic attack. This is my own experience, I'm not an ophthalmologist, so take this with a grain of salt (or two) and do your own research please. I'm here to share my own personal experience. My eyes used to start tearing like crazy just with soft breezes of wind and at times it was hard to keep my eyes open even though I followed all instructions. Lenses made my eyes look hooded as well and after getting my eyes lasered they don't have that droopy look, my eye area looks so much more open and awake now. I hated the discomfort, the redness, the sensitivity, having to put them on, having to put them out, having them. There could be a million explanations for these but it was just easier for me to get my eyes lasered and call it a day.

The surgery.

You put on your surgical gown and a hair cap, you lay down, they give you local anesthesia so you can't feel any pain in your eye. Laser beam for 10 seconds (felt more like 10 minutes). The surgery itself does not feel painful, just extremely uncomfortable, you can't close or move your eyes for 10 seconds, my surgeon counted back from 10 but I swear it felt like an eternity. I cried while they were lasering my eyes because I always do and I kept pinching myself and shaking my legs because I felt very nervous and was probably PMSing, but there is no actual pain, just intense discomfort and pressure, the actual pain only comes after the anesthesia wears off after a few hours, I would say it is a 7.5/10, you wear black goggles for 2 weeks, your eyes sting like crazy, it's like having dry eyes 24/7 for 2 weeks. And then 2 weeks later you wake up and your eyes actually work (miracle). I remember taking them off for the first time after weeks and being absolutely shocked about how well I could see (and at how terrible my eyebrows looked).

1 year later...

I wake up, I have 10/10 vision, and I love it. I feel like I can see better now than ever, I don't have to deal with eye sensitivities due to lenses, or worry about accidentally sitting on my glasses, I feel prettier too. There's another thing that feels very hard for me to describe, but I feel like I am directly living in the world, I feel more in touch with the world, my lenses and glasses always felt like a barrier. After your surgery, you need to wear sunglasses for 6 months. Not an issue, you should protect your eyes in any case and protecting them from the sun's UV rays has always been essential for me regardless. They need to be big especially on the sides so your eyes are protected.

To sum it up, here are my tips:

Go to a very reputable doctor at a specialized eye clinic. My doctor had 25 years of experience and over 50 000 cases.

Take all the medications that you are prescribed post-surgery and follow all instructions, focus on healing after your surgery.

Invest in a pair of high-quality UV blocking sunglasses. No, that chewed up pair from H&M you got 2 years ago won't cut it.

Reduce screen time, blue light blocking filters are your best friend. Make sure you have a support person.

You need to go to a highly reputable place obviously, you can't cheap out unless you have another pair of eyes, your doctor needs to be very experienced and good at what he does, use what resources you have to read up on your doc and his work, his ratings should be very high and of people who are happy with their results. My mom, my aunt, my grandpa all got LASIC eye surgery 20 years ago so naturally, I followed in their eye steps because they were all happy with their results. You need a support person, my parents were right with me during and after the surgery, my mom picked out the hospital and doctor for me and I could not go out of bed for 2 weeks so make sure you have some good podcasts ready and take at least 2 weeks off.

Feel free to message me or drop an ask if you have any questions.

[skinnidreamss]

Fuck tumblr

I've been scrolling through this blog for the past 2 hours. I don't even know how to feel. I guess the word "nauseous" would come to mind first. Ana tumblr has taken my fucking childhood from me and I gave it away happily.

I was fucking warned and I didn't listen. I would do anything to be able to stop my 13 year old self from ever discovering this place. I wish I could tell her that she really wasn't that fat, but the adults around her were trying to live through her and feeding her lies about how "dangerous" her very much healthy BMI was. I was just chubby. I was just a kid. I trusted everyone around me because they were adults and they were supposed to know everything, but it turns out that they were even more clueless than me.

I guess maybe when I found out that ED Tumblr, a place that is literally based on toxicity shared a few of the beliefs that these people would tell me, I should've been a bit concerned. But I wasn't. And I just fell into this rabbit hole that I don't think I will ever get out of. The things you learn here follow you forever. I can be happy and having a good day, eating something and the part of my brain that developed under the influence of this hell will remind me of some idiotic quote I read in a pretty font at 14. "once on the lips, forever on the hips", or some shit like that. And just like that, my day is ruined.

The truth is, I haven't been on here for a full year. My last post is from february 3rd 2023. It's february 6th 2024 now. I've been trying to heal, sort of. About 6 months ago, I started losing weight in a healthy(?) way. I think. I can't even tell at this point. After all these years, it's impossible to think about weight loss without triggering some horrible memories and starting some old habits again. I've had some close calls, but I haven't relapsed. I haven't starved myself the way I used to in a year. It's getting better.

I logged in today thinking I might delete this account once and for all. I decided to scroll through it and to my horror, I realized that I have repressed a lot of memories about my eating disorder. I had forgotten very big parts of my life and what my diets used to look like. I don't even know how to react and I don't have anyone to talk to about it. It's stuff that was happening a year and a half ago. One of the things I regret a lot is not journaling throughout my teenage years. But this blog has a ton of journal entries that reminded me of stuff my brain tried to erase. Like, for example. MY FUCKING THERAPIST TOLD ME THAT IF I TRULY WANTED TO LOSE WEIGHT, I WOULD???? WHat the actual fuck??????? I remember being very hurt about that and thinking about it a lot for a while, before getting back on tumblr and finding some crazy diet to do, after a while of actually doing better. If I hadn't found the post I made about it at the time, I would've probably forgotten about it forever. And there's probably so much shit that I will never remember again. The crazy thing is that although I had pretty much forgotten all of the things I wrote on here, they still hurt me somehow.

I am just so fucking angry at everything and anyone. I hate tumblr and everything about ed tumblr. My brain feels rotten from all the shit I learned here. I am getting better, but I've been having a shitty day so I guess I needed someplace to rant. I am angry at the complete lack of attention that everyone in my life gave me when it came to my diet. I used to be scared that they would find out and try to stop me from starving myself. But I slowly realized that I could show as many signs of an unhealthy diet as I wanted. Nobody ever noticed, or if they did, they just didn't give a shit. I was doing stuff that if a skinnier girl did, it would've raised a million red flags to everyone. But because I was fat, I guess it was fine.

I'm not gonna get into any more of my trauma anymore because if I start, I might just never stop writing.

I'll be 19 in two months. Everyone else I know has discovered themselves, bettered themselves, found friends and even love. All I've discovered in the past 6 years is how to lose and gain back the same 10 kg over and over and over again in the most disgusting and painful ways.

But whatever.

Life goes on. I owe it to my younger self to get better. I truly believe it's possible to do this in a healthy way. I will keep trying to be better and hopefully the anger will fade away in time and I will finally be able to heal from all of this. Someday.

[casspurrjoybell-24]

Sugar Punch - Chapter 6

*Warning Adult Content*

Maddox Zane

'Fuck... Why won't it just stay down?'

I tighten my grip around my cock and lean my head against the shower was as I kept up the pace around my length, stoking myself harder and faster to drive out the frustration that just wouldn't leave.

I wasn't sexually frustrated as I slept with someone not two nights ago, so what the fuck was wrong with my dick every time I saw that puny little shit's face pop into my head.

It was becoming a fucking issue that whenever I saw him enter the gym my dick would twitch in my shorts, which to me was just something I didn't understand because I wasn't gay.

I wasn't attracted to him, I didn't get that butterfly shit, I felt nothing looking at him so then why was I jerking off to him in the showers?

The whole thing was driving me crazy.

I've never wanted to fuck a guy before but now I'm starting to think that's what I need to do to stop all these thoughts of him, invading my fucking sleep of all things, ever since last night when I dropped him off, he's all I thought of.

It wasn't sexual either, for the first time in years I was genuinely curious about him, even going as far as to google the fucking guy, only to get nothing out of it other than feeling like a damn creep for stalking him online.

He's fucking 18 and I'm almost 31, this just doesn't happen in your thirties, I had never questioned my sexuality before because I didn't need to, I loved having sex with girls, fuck it didn't matter if they were big or small, small tits or big, I loved them all.

Not once had I thought about being with a guy but Theo could be someone I wouldn't mind ramming my monster into.

Look at me, getting ahead of myself, he's not even into me like that.

I must be losing my damn mind.

Finishing up, not feeling any better with myself I decide to just head on home, unsatisfied with what I just did in the shower room, not feeling fulfilled from just my hand.

The week was passing quick and the days started to blur together, I didn't have anyone to train other than John who's competing today, Friday and Theo, who I had at four for an hour, apart from that I worked with my trainer to get into shape for my upcoming fight next month.

I'd be watching John fight, hoping that he picked up anything I taught him and used it for a fucking change, that and I didn't feel like staying home with my hand wrapped around my cock, thinking of a certain someone.

I disgusted myself how little I gave a shit about what I was doing, if anything I had never felt more turned on, and horny, then I was when I thought about the things I could do to him, fuck, it made the days go faster.

I had gotten lots of offers this week, heck, I could've populated a small country with the women who were coming onto me in just one day at the gym but I just wasn't in the mood for it.

It was nearing four and Theo would be walking through those doors any minute now, I should feel bad about how I used him to get off, but no guilty emotion came, if anything I was looking forward to our training sessions together.

I wasn't going to think too much into why I felt this way, it'd only make my head spin going around in circles to why I felt like this.

My phone started buzzing in my pocket, as I most likely got a text, so I grab my phone from my pocket and see who it was texting me.

It was a number I had saved under Theo Banks.

Theo: Hi Maddox, it's Theo, I won't be able to make it today... I'm sorry for taking this long to tell you, I haven't been feeling well and I only just woke up, sorry again, I will be back next week.

He's sick?

I saw him Thursday and he looked fine, a little beat up but fine, I didn't get any feeling that he wasn't feeling right, if anything he was into throwing me on the mat and putting me into a headlock.

So, he's not coming, now what the fuck am I going to do?

I had an hour free.

I should be pissed off, I hated when clients did this just minutes before a session but I was more curious why he was sick and wonder if he ate something, if it's true that he just woke up.

Maybe I could just leave and drop by, it's not like I had anything else to do beside this lesson with him, that was now cancelled.

No, that's fucking creepy Maddox, he'd obvious be burdened having my ass show up out the blue with food, plus it wasn't like we were friends, our relationship was professional.

I shot him a text back, sitting on the edge of the ring.

Maddox: Focus on getting better, I'll see you next week if you're up for it, just keep me posted.

This guy, he might look like a weak guy, short and skinny but he was determined alright, I liked that about him, it was refreshing even though he was new to the scene, I really felt like I could make him into a decent fighter.

Theo: I can't wait 😊

"Pft." I snort out, sighing and closing my eyes shut as a familiar feeling comes over me.

I look down at my shorts and groan out and lay down on the ring mat, holding my head in my hands as I start laughing, thinking I might be losing my damn mind right now.

I couldn't train this guy if I could barely control my dick and if that happens this is going to become a big problem for me in the long run.

I wonder what it was about him that just did it for me?

Sure, he was alright looking, plain face with nice eyes, not a bad jawline, he was skin and bones and pale, he was the opposite of me.

Not to mention he was short, almost like a girl, he didn't have any hair on his face, he was practically a kid at this point, so what the fuck was I doing getting hard over him for.

He did look cute when he blushed though, I always thought men blushing was just creepy but it didn't look bad on him, I thought it was even funny until I saw him on the machine Tuesday, talking to the new girl who joined the self defense lesson along with him.

Just watching him talk to girls was painful, it was obvious the guy had never been with one the way he lit up like a Christmas tree and then ran away, even though it looked like she was into him.

He was an awkward guy, kept to himself and there was no presence of him online, which made me wonder if he even had any friends looking after him right now.

When I dropped him off Saturday his house was dark and it was already half five, doesn't he have parents live with him?

More importantly, do they not give a shit that he shows up with fresh bruises?

It annoyed me the more I thought about this guy.

He was being bullied, I wasn't a fucking idiot, I knew the signs, as did Rick, the people that came to Rick for self-defence lessons were people going through shit, whether it be a stalker or just wanting to feel safe but I didn't get that from Theo.

He wanted to get strong and I admired that, I wasn't going to pity a guy who was fighting to survive, which is why I still stick to my word in not getting involved unless he asked for help, he had his pride and I had mine.

Still, what was he doing right now?

His parents wouldn't be home, so I bet he's playing those nerdy fucking games he mentioned.

Screw it, I grabbed my phone from beside me on and clicked on his name and decided to just fucking text him, it wasn't that weird, even so, the guys a fan and I was going to use that to know more about him.

Maddox: You owe me an hour.

I waited patiently for his reply and two minutes later it came, making me grin as I clicked on his name.

Theo: What do you mean? 😥

My dick started to twitch as I typed in my reply, whilst thinking of all the things I could do in an hour with Theo in arms reach, all the sick things my mind shouldn't shut up about whenever his face popped up in my mind.

Maddox: What are you doing right now?

I sat up and adjusted myself in my boxers, waiting for him to reply to me I got down and walked to my office and grabbed my bag, keys and wallet.

My phone buzzed and I looked at what he typed.

Theo: Uh… nothing, I just got out of bed 😓

I took a moment to think about what I was doing, going over the pros and cons of my actions of phoning him instead of texting, yet despite how something like this could potentially fuck me in the future, I chose to just fucking do it.

I pressed the call button on his name and put the phone to my ear and waited.

One ring, two, three, until finally on the fifth ring he picked up, making me sigh out, as I was sure he wouldn't pick up because of how fucking random it was.

"Hello?" his quiet voice came out, making me grin.

"It's me," I say, before rolling my eyes as he probably saved my number.

Turning my light off in my office, I grabbed my stuff and locked up the gym, keeping the phone to my ear.

"Since you owe me an hour, you need to keep me company until your time is up," I said, not ashamed of how messed up and manipulative that sounded.

The line goes quiet just as I turn the basement lights off and head for the second exit leading to the underground car park, where I parked my car.

"Oh, I guess I could but right now?" he stutters out nervously as I get into my car and turn it on.

I put my earphones in and connected them to my phone so I could talk to him without being caught with my phone in my hand whilst driving.

"You said you were free."

"I am, it's just I..."

There was a pause. "

I was going to shower," he says shyly as I picture his cheeks going red.

I drove out of the carpark and went into the direction of my apartment.

"So? My time is precious and you owe me, Theo."

I was being a bastard but I was having fun teasing him as the line went quiet again, as I could just picture him getting all worried for no reason, the guy was a walking puppy, always looking at me like he did something wrong.

"Have you been trying out your diet?" I asked curiosity.

"Ugh..." he mumbles out. "Yeah well... kind of, I haven't really moved that much but I tried one of the recipes you suggested," he adds, louder this time.

"Oh yeah, which one?"

"T-The chicken salad... with carrots." he said, making me laugh at how his voice cringed out the word 'carrots'.

Fuck, I was way over my head phoning this guy, now there was no going back, I had just screwed myself getting tangled with this kid and pushing myself in his life like this, for reasons beyond my control.

Might as well have a bit of fun with him, I've already jacked off to him several times, what more could I possibly do to make this situation any worse. 

[bourboncynic]

This Is Me (Then/Now)

I’ve spent many years hiding it.

I’ve spent a good decade of my adulthood ‘dealing with it.’

I’ve spent many a nights over-worrying, over-analyzing, and over-committing for the good of fellow humans.

I can honestly say…

I’ve never spent adequate opportunities on myself.

I chalked it up. I bottled it in. I buried it deep in my subconscious knowing it will make a comeback but reckoned I can just deal with it later.

Now here I am.

(10) years almost and the feelings have returned.

Self-worth.

How much do I sacrifice myself for the good of others?

How much of a front or façade do I portray to show people I’m not emotionally fragile or slowly slipping in the depths of hardship?

I deal with every stressful situation like it’s common, a norm.

I put walls up because it’s easier to not be hurt or be made a villain.

But it’s never enough.

I’ve become a scapegoat for others as well as myself.

But here I am. Drained. Stretched thin. Overwhelmed. Tunnel-visioned in a box in which any signs of an exit are still left to be found.

I’ve found myself feeling more alone in a crowded room than being on my own.

And I’m exhausted.

I’ve been exhausted for years.

I’m not broken.

Nor am I needing fixing.

I’ve been open, but it’s never enough.

My openness has been used as ammunition for others’ selfish gains.

I’m a crutch for people’s ego.

Their situation, their feelings trump mine.

My voice echoes in a sea of non-compliant attitudes.

Why should I be open if it only gets me so far. So far meaning backwards. A pawn. A science experiment for others to experiment on and based hypotheses off of.

I’m a Libra. A people pleaser. Non-confrontational. Indecisive. Misdirected.

Nobody says easily manipulated, exploited, stepped-on…

I’ve obsessed over ‘fads’ which I felt would better help me.

I’ve grown and styled my hair in every way imaginable. I’ve updated my wardrobe when the season dictated it. I’ve fluctuated in weight. I’ve gained and lost and put on and slimmed again.

I became a definition of discipline which admired some, but never seemed to be a redeeming quality.

Yet, I fall into temptation after temptation.

Sure, skipping the gym to do happy hour is fine. Raging at night instead of cleaning my house will be worth it. Being alone was better than putting myself on the market.

This progress is for me.

There we are, you and me.

Why did you do that? Or… why did I do that?

(You) made it come true.

I asked for it.

I promised you something in return and I haven’t delivered yet.

You won. I lost.

Unless… the path you’ve set for me is full of hurdles where the answer comes before the question.

Yeah, I do that.

Now I know why.

It’s the cure, from what I’ve seen so far.

It all makes sense.

It makes sense to those who understand.

Ten years ago.

So, extroverted, full of life, easy to love and give love, reckless in emotions and seriousness.

It’s all I had. And it worked.

I wasn’t a catch. I wasn’t Mr. Popular.

I surrounded myself with the arts for (20+) years because it was a place to hide. It brought me out of a shell I never knew I had.

‘Cause before I wasn’t like that.

Naïve, dimwitted, almost sheltered.

Now, this is me today.

Full of regrets, but also full of dreams.

I used to be small and scrawny.

I used to be a mass of skin and blubber.

I believed in the honesty of people.

I was blessed and had a lot of friends. I always believed in love and friendship.

The sins of my grandfather. Have more friends than those who love you. Be popular instead of loved and desired. This guy now, it’s not the same thing.

If you have 5, 6, 7, or 10 close friends in a lifetime, they’ve all got something special. But nobody cares about you in the background.

What about booze? What about acceptance and cool points?

When you’ve been in so many social circles as I have (theatre, improv, parties, concerts), you want something more.

I tried something and I got hooked.

The crazy haired guy got hooked. The class clown got hooked. The nice guy and “brother” to many ladies I sought after got hooked.

I was wasted mentally and physically. To the point that I got out of it but got sucked back in. Temptation of a creative outlet and meeting like minded social butterflies like myself (maybe once upon a time).

But it’s all there. It’s all there.

It was really tough.

I saw people better off than me.

Still see people better off than me.

I went from a naïve nobody to a social maestro and still thought, why can’t I be like them, why can’t I have all the privileges? Why am I just a regular guy? It makes me sick to see people… who have what I’ve been chasing for so many years. Knowing I have the same qualities, too. Much more than them. It’s not my fault if I was cut out to be an ‘everyman.’ I asked for it. I asked for it, really believed in it. Because I felt an ‘everyman’ was safe. Someone remembered and admired, but never made a stain in the blanket of life.

When you’re 13, you believe in your dream. I didn’t want fame and fortune. I wanted infamy. And I was content if infamy meant in a social circle I’d have for life.

People have come and gone. Some needed to be cut. Some I put aside but never picked up again, like a puzzle or a childhood toy that doesn’t excite in the same way anymore.

Well, it came true for me. But it doesn’t feel like enough. Maybe I’m there now but will never see it as such. I feel I have miles to go before I reach my destination. And I still ask myself today what I’ve done on this Earth.

Nothing.

I’ve done nothing!

For myself.

If I faded away now, hoping to start all over here in Phoenix or in another city (Madison, Portland, or Dallas). Start over with my mind and get my health back and the physique I dreamed of, pick up again.

Alone or otherwise. Maybe future tales to come? Of new friends and new relationships. Heartbreak or sonnets of romance.

So, I really hope nobody pulls the trigger on me.

Today, I pray to God. I truly believe I’m not in a movie or a chapter of some great romanticized novel. It’s real life. Real life.

I’ve seen so many things.

I may have been born in the desert, but I'm a citizen of the world. I’ve traveled and accomplished a lot for someone like me, in my age bracket, in my educational and artistic capacity. It’s hard for me to judge people and it’s hard for them… not to judge me. Easier to blame me.

That’s the problem.

Yeah. Something like that.

[didisabitch]

having child alters can be such a burden.

i never realized how much of my personality they encompassed, no one really talks abt how much your life completely fucking shifts when you find out you have DID and other people have been popping their heads out for years in situations they shouldn���t have.

before i realized i had child alters they were still rearing their heads in the same ugly, breakdown way. maybe it’s good, that i know where the breakdowns come from now, or maybe it makes no difference. i don’t know

they are named Aiden and Alice, my child alters. Aiden’s age is more...flexible, I guess? Where I feel like his standard age that he is most typically at is probably around 13/14, but he regresses very easily. And Alice is like 6/7 but regresses a bit also, sometimes. (Both are he/him).

I love them dearly, or at least i am trying to. and my fiance also says he loves them dearly but to me, they’re just a burden

of course they’ve always been here, but they are very emotionally needy/their behaviors when unknown to be a child alter would come across as a very, very clingy partner in a relationship. but now that my fiance knows they exist and doesn’t mind being around them sometimes i (the host) feel like they pop their heads out way too fucking often and take advantage of that kindness

my fiance has did too, and before that was established he was the sub/baby in the relationship and i was the dom/daddy and I feel like Aiden and Alice feeling more emboldened to try and front, or control my emotions etc have impacted my ability to be the person i wanted for him. the person i fought to be for so long but i never truly was more than a sad crying 7-year-old so scared of being hated or abandoned. don’t get me wrong, i am still his dom in a lot of ways but also Aiden and Alice end up requiring a lot of emotional caring out of him sometimes, similar to what one would expect for a sfw little space dom. not to even mention my Eugene Fitzherbert fictive, who is annoyingly a fucking switch despite the fact that i really, really didn’t want him to be that.

i just wanted to be a big, strong man, always be the one to take care of my fiance and have low support needs. the hard dom that hardly needed anything from his sub ever except cuddles and kisses. because he deserves to be supported, he deserves to be just a sub like i know he truly wants, and we knew he was a system first, etc. i just wanted to be everything that I wasn’t for him and i tried so hard to fit the mold of what i thought would be best for him. to be honest i should have known i was lying to him about i/us overall being a switch. because that’s what i honest to god am, as the host i am dom-leaning but for the people in my head it varies. some of my alters like Ian, Liam and Cass (which is also my name, but I mean my Tangled fictive Cass) are hard doms. and like, the kids are kids so they aren’t necessarily a sub or anything but like i said, they are definitely a big source of the behavior that is really needy and acts more on the romantic neediness side of things sometimes especially when they’re impacting my behavior or co-conning and i didn’t fucking know or want them there

i hate that i’m not really a dom, and i hate that my kids like to rear their heads at any small inconvenience, i am really trying to work on both of those things i just wish i could be a better dom for my sweetie, or that my fucking hard dom alters would come out more and kick the children away

everyone says i’m mean for how much i hate the kids, and that they’re just kids, but it’s true and i wish they didn’t exist and i wish i could just be the good dom i want to be and hide all my submissive tendencies from him, i tried to for so long and all it ended up doing was costing us a fuck ton because i went crazy trying to be a hard dom, i just wish it’s what i was for him

and he’s in class right now and the kids have been crying screaming since he left an hour ago i sometimes really just wish i could fucking integrate them or get rid of them i hate them so fucking much

fucking burdens

[books-and-catears]

Old Flames and New Faces (Part 5)

Tagging as requested: @greenlit-mess @satans-favorit3 @beelsmeal @candymeowz @wafermelons @tanspostsblog @abyssmal-skies @oriaedvige03 @percythebitchwitch @obeythebutler @mammonie @rosesthornss @mimik248 @mothervictoire

<- Chap 4 || Chap 6 ->

"So the other day, I accidentally ripped Belphie's pillow apart cause we were pillow fighting. And now he's giving me death stares. Says I should have known! Excuse me? Do I look like a god? How am I supposed to know things you don't tell me!" Lily told you over video call as you prepared dinner for the three boys.

You shook your head and laughed, "No honestly you have to fix that pillow. He doesn't know what to do without it. However he does tend to just go sleep on Beel when the pillow is in the laundry."

Lily turned the camera towards Belphie fast asleep on Beel who was gnawing on his burger pillow with eyes closed. "Spot on, MC."

"Also what's the deal with Lucifer? He's been downright annoying lately. Like he's home all day being angered by every little thing." Lily scoffs. "Why can't he just be sensible like Satan and lock himself when he's angry?"

"And then Asmo and his whining and crying. I happened to not wear that bracelet for three days and he claims I don't love him anymore. Like I barely KNOW anything about you, Asmo."

"Oh boy you've got yourself a whole..bunch of situations there. Do you want me to come over? I can help them so they'll stop bothering you." You offer.

"Nah let them suffer. It's their punishment. You've done too much for them anyway." Lily smirks. "Anyway what do you think is wrong with Lucifer?"

"You said he's been home all day? Well he's supposed to be with Diavolo. When was the last time he met him?" You ask.

"About a month ago. Now Diavolo just hands me the paper work to give to Lucifer. And Asmo was also whining about how his pacts with both you and Solomon are useless cause you never call him." Lily laughs.

You facepalmed. With or without you, House of Lamentation would always be in a constant state of chaos. You know there was no point worrying, but you couldn't help worrying sometimes.

"Lily..say can you do me a favor?" You asked in a hushed voice.

"Hmm depends on the favor but the probability is high because it's you." She grinned cheekily.

"Take them out on a trip. Like all of them on one trip. They seem sort of miserable lately. I'm sure if you give them some full on attention they'll feel better." You requested.

She looked disgusted at the very idea of it. But she sighed and obliged after you begged a few more times. "Fine. But on one condition. You will go on a trip with me too. Just the two of us. One whole day and night. Agreed?"

"Haha this crazy girl! Okay okay I'll go. Now please put them out of their misery. If Lucifer acts up too much - just give him chamomile tea or that magic bean bitter coffee. And have a good night."

You just hung up the phone and walked into the dining room when there was loud knocking at the door. Who's here at this hour?

"M-MC! YOU'RE HERE!"

Asmo and Mammon struggled to balance themselves before letting falling on you, sending you all tumbling on the floor. They reeked of Demonus and Asmo's mascara ran all over his face.

"Asmo?! Mammon?! What's wrong?! Have you ACTUALLY been crying?! Solomon help me get them to bed please!" You call out urgently.

"She's going to take you away! Far away from me! Don't go MC! Don't leave me!" Mammon sobbed holding your hand to his chest.

"Nobody's taking me anywhere. What are you talking about?" You kneeled next to the bed, bewildered.

Solomon walked in and shook his head. "Asmo said the same thing before he passed out. This makes no sense."

"Lily is going to take you away! She'll never let us see you again!" Mammon kept wailing. You almost didn't hear the other knock on the door.

What is wrong with everyone today?

"Hello MC. I was informed Asmo and Mammon were in the area." Lucifer said. His eyes looked sunken and more tired than usual.

"They are here, aren't they? Just crashed into the house drunk. Sorry about this." Satan said, walking past Lucifer straight towards the rooms.

"You look tired Lucifer..." You reached up to hold his face. His eyes light up. He looks like he could melt right on your hands.

"No I'm... Much better already. There has just been an overload of work lately." Lucifer said.

"Send some over to me, I can help." You suggest but he shakes his head.

"If you want to help...", Satan speaks up, "Then shouldn't you come to the house more often? How long has it been since you've set foot in that place..."

"Satan...I'm sorry I've just-" You started.

"Three months." Satan answered his own question.

"THREE MONTHS, 13 DAYS AND 7 HOURS!" Mammon and Asmo wailed reaching out for your hand again.

"These two, honestly. Satan, you carry Asmo, I'll take Mammon." Lucifer picked up Mammon with little to no effort and threw him over his shoulder. Satan did the same with Asmo.

"Also if you heard them scream something before this, please ignore. They are drunk out of their minds." Lucifer stated before leaving.

"Come back soon...please..." Satan said in a whisper as he passed by you.

Why are you punishing them for me , Lily?

[i-cant-sing]

I know requests are closed so this isn’t a request I just had an idea based off an ask you got about hawks and the Todoroki clan. What if the reader escaped from yandere Todoroki clan (Dabi scared the reader/took it too far with the threats, or because endeavor and the brothers had a fight and the reader got scared)and they ran into hawks, crying and panicked thinking that he would help. But hawks recognizes them from the pictures in endeavors desk and offers them a lift to somewhere safe. Only for hawks to fly the reader back to the Todoroki estate where the whole family is waiting for them.

The reader feels hurt and betrayed and everyone is angry, but hawks being hawks tries to diffuse the situation by saying,”stop scaring the poor kid. They came to me scared out of their mind, but being the outstanding godfather that I am, I made sure to bring them back safely.” (Or something like that)

And endeavor just accepts that hawks claimed himself as the readers godfather, and tells the reader to get inside and to clean up.

So now hawks takes it upon himself to hang around the estate more to fulfill his “godfather” duties, spoiling the reader as much as he can.

Yandere Godfather Hawks x Todoroki clan reader

I was going to write boyfriend Hawks, instead of Godfather Hawks but this was just too good. I kinda thought that the age gap between Hawks and reader would be too much so maybe Godfather would be a better role for him, but the chaos that would follow if they find him dating reader would be just *chef's kiss*. I think I just might write bf Hawks too. Let me know what you guys think.

Anyways, enjoy!

Check out my MASTERLIST here!

Yandere Hawks:

You didn't know how long you had been running for. You didn't know how far you had gotten away from their house. You didn't even know where you were going, to be honest. But you did know that you had to get away from there as far as you could.

Sure, you only had a few hours headstart. But for them, the most powerful family in Japan, this wasn’t enough time for you. 

You had planned your escape with their schedule in mind.

Enji would come home from his office at 9pm; he used to return at 11, but ever since you were kidnapped adopted by them, he tries to come home early.

Natsuo had already visited you during the day. He habitually comes after his shift at the hospital. Once he would check you over for any injuries and be satisfied with your overall health, he would join you, Rei and Fuyumi for a quick lunch before leaving.

Usually, you would spend the day with Rei, Fuyumi and Shotou, then Enji would come by the time dinner was served. And once everyone went to sleep, Dabi would come to visit you around 2 am. He would tap on your window and disturb you from your sleep, but its not like you have any engagements in the morning anyways. Once you would let him in, he would talk to you and maybe watch a movie too. If he's pissed, he might "accidentally" leave a burn mark on your arm (and you've tried asking your family for help, but they wouldn't do anything. Natsuo would just bandage you up, while Shotou would comfort you. Besides, you've learned not to snitch on Dabi because he would even get angrier than before.)

That was your routine ever since they had took you, almost 7 months ago. Well, they had actually adopted you an year ago, and everything was going well. But then you started noticing their odd behaviour. You thought they were just being protective of you at first, but as time went on, their obsessive tendencies and no regard for your personal boundaries started weirding you out.

Then one day, they just stopped letting you out of the house. No matter how much you cried, begged or fought, they just wouldn't let you go outside, telling that you its for your own good.

At first, they would use cuffs to keep you bound since you fought so much. But then you started behaving, and they slowly started trusting you more and stopped putting on the restraints.

What they didn't know was that you were just biding your time, waiting for the perfect opportunity to escape. Like today.

Shotou had to go to his friend's house to work on a school project, so he wasn't able to join you at lunch today and would be coming home late.

After lunch, once Natsuo had left, you asked Fuyumi if she could go to the mall and buy you some books. You had been complaining to her about your boredom for quite sometime now, so she agreed and left to go shop for you.

So that only left you with Rei in the house. And while she had a weaker quirk than the rest of the family, your quirkless self was no match for her either.

But she was easier to fool. You told Rei that you were going to take a nap in your room and to call you when dinner was ready. Rei nodded before going to the kitchen to start preparing for dinner.

You went to your room and opened the window to get out. It used to be bolted shut but after months of working on it slowly but stealthily, you had managed to pop it open. It was 6, and you were sure Fuyumi and Shotou would be coming home by 7, so without having anytime to pack, you ran.

It was stupid. You should've at least gotten your coat and shoes on, but there was no guarantee a chance like this would appear again, so you left without them.

You kind of regret it now, as you winced in pain at all the rocks and twigs pressing into your bare feet. You shivered in the cold, which didn't bother you at first because of the adrenaline pumping through your veins, but now as you slid against a dumpster in an alley to give a break to your legs, you wished Rei could've given you some proper clothes, instead of the light, pastel pink dress. In her defence, the house was centrally heated during winters so you didn't really need warm clothes inside the house. But now, looking at the dark clouds forming in the sky, you wished she could've at least given you a sweater.

It had soon started raining, and the wind had picked up as well. Shivering, you decided to stay put by the dumpster and wait until it stopped. It would be easier for them to find you if you ran now because the streets will be empty because of the rain. And its not like you could go to a police station either. How will you explain to them that the no.1 hero had kidnapped you?

Sighing, you closed your eyes. You just have to vanish from their eyes until they give up on you, or at least find someone else to replace you.

Hawks was flying home when it had begun raining. Tutting, he flew back to the ground to walk his way home. It was dangerous to fly during the rain; his feathers would get heavy and weigh him down.

As he was walking, whistling to himself, he heard someone whimper in the alley to his left. He walked in the dark alley, bracing himself for any sudden movements. The little whimpers came from near the dumpster. The alley had no light, so he couldn't see much. He walked closer to the source of whimpers and he could make out a silhouette of a shivering girl, who was completely drenched. Her eyes were closed so she hadn't noticed Hawks yet.

He took a step closer. "Hey. You okay?" As soon Hawks voice reached her ears, she snapped her eyes open and backed away from him. Hawks backed up a bit, raising his hands in surrender. "Its okay. I'm a hero." He said, calmly.

Once she seemed recognise him, or at least realise he wasn't dangerous, she relaxed a bit. "What are you doing in the rain?"he asked. She paused for a bit, before replying in a tiny voice,"none of your business." Hawks smiled. "It kinda is. Now you can either tell me, or I can take you to the cops and you can tell them. What's it gonna be?"

Your breath hitched at his question. If he takes you to the cops, Enji will surely find you, and the punishment that will be waiting for you...you didn't even want to think about it. "I'm just...running." you mumbled, hoping he would leave you alone. "From who?" When you didn't reply, he sighed. "Okay. Can you tell me why you're running?"

You thought for a bit. Would he believe if you told him the truth? You knew he was close friends with Enji and you heard from Enji that he was very loyal to him, so you doubted that he would believe you if you told him the no. 1 hero had been holding you hostage for 7 months. But maybe he could help you. If you just tell him that someone's after you, then maybe he could drop you off somewhere safe?

Gulping, you answered. "I- I was kidnapped. And they've probably noticed that I'm missing now and- and I need to hide before they can find me. I can't, I can't go back there-" your voice broke down as you slowly started crying.

Hawks's eyes widened as he heard you confess. He hugged you, rubbing your back soothingly. "Shh, its okay. I'm here now. Tell me who it is." You shook your head no. "Don’t be afraid. I'll keep you safe. Just tell me who-" "No!"you cut him off, realising that you would be putting his life in danger if you told him the truth. The Todorokis have done it before, with your old family and friends; you have no doubt that they will do it again.

Hawks was taken aback by your outburst. Who were you so afraid of? Was it a crazy ex? Or a family member? Maybe you had gotten in trouble with the wrong crowd? Whoever it was, fear was evident in your voice. He had to help you.

"Okay. I'm sorry. How about we get out of the rain? Maybe to a cafe, where we can get a coffee to warm ourselves up?" He asked you again, trying to look at your face in the dark. You shook your head again, before speaking. "Could you- could you just get me out of this city? Or at least as far away from here as possible?"

Who were you so scared of that you wanted to leave the city? He could investigate that later, but first he needed to get you out of the rain. 

He nodded. "Alright. It should stop raining anytime now, so I can't fly you out right now. How about we walk to my apartment and warm ourselves and then, I could take you anywhere you want?"

This was the best you were going to get. You know you need to leave the city right now, but he was your only chance of leaving. So you agreed. Hawks smiled at that. "Can you walk?"he asked you. You nodded, but as soon as you took a step, you yelped in pain, almost falling down. Thankfully, Hakws was near to catch you. He laughed. Noticing your chattering teeth, he gave you his jacket. "You're going to catch a cold." Once you had worn his big, warm jacket, he lifted you up into his arms and started walking out of the alley and towards his home.

As he got out of the alley, the street lights finally illuminated your face.

You looked familiar, like he'd seen you before, but he can't seem to remember where he saw you. His eyes scanned your face. Your brows were furrowed in worry, and you kept looking over his shoulder. You looked scared, almost like a child. Looking down, he noticed your pink dress was completely ruined. He moved his gaze to your feet. They were bleeding, due to the stones, twigs and broken glass that had pierced them. Your legs had tiny burns, some had faded, others looked still fresh.

Were you being abused? Is that why you're running? He wanted to ask you these questions but he knew he had to wait for you to open up.

"Thank you."your tiny voice brought him back to reality. Hawks gave his famous heroic smile. "No problem." You gave a tiny smile of your own. It was kind. "Why do you keep looking back?"he asked you. Your eyes widened slightly, looking like a kid who got caught stealing cookies. "Are you worried about them taking you away again?"he asked, not really sure who he was referring to. You started tearing up again. Your lips wobbled as you slowly nodded your head. He stopped walking, causing you to look up to him. "Its okay. I promise I'll never let anyone hurt you again. I promise." His voice held such sincerity, you started crying into his chest as you kept on thanking him.

Hawks meant every word. He's going to make sure nobody ever lays a finger on you. How could anyone harm such a sweet thing like you?

He rubbed your shoulder with one hand to calm you down. Once you had stopped crying, he spoke again. "Hey, look. It stopped raining." You looked up and he was right; the sky had cleared up. "Well, are you ready to fly?" You smiled slightly before nodding. He told you to hold on to him tightly, and you buried your face into his chest before he took off.

Once you guys were in the air, Hawks told you to open your eyes. You did and the view was breathtaking. Tall buildings and sky scrapers were all over the city, and tiny lights from cars and street lamps looked like stars. It looked like a scene from an anime. Really pretty.

"Wow."you finally said. Hawks chuckled at that. Your looked like you just saw Santa. So adorable.

"I'm glad you like it."he said, as he started flying towards his home. You smiled. "Hey! You never told me your name."he said, mocking fake surprise.

You giggled at that. "I'm Y/n."

And just like that, Hawks finally remembered where he had seen you.

A year ago Endeavour had asked him to find everything he can on this one particular girl. Hawks thought that maybe you were linked to some case, but your records were clean, so he thought that maybe Enji was just looking for someone for Shotou. Hawks thought it was weird when you suddenly disappeared from the public eye a month later. He tried to ask Enji about you but he would just brush him off, telling him he had mistook you for someone else. It was odd, but Hawks eventually let go of it.

Wait. Does that mean Enji had been hurting you? No, that can't be it. Enji had been working with him on a lot of missions abroad, and the burn marks on your legs were rather fresh. 

"Whats wrong?"your soft voice brought him out of his thoughts. "Hmm? Oh nothing. Why do you ask?"Hawks faked a smile. You stared at him. Something was off. "Nothing. Its just you were lost in your thoughts, I guess."

Hawks laughed at that. "You’re really observant, aren't you?" Deciding to test out his theory, he continued. "Well, you're right. I was thinking about a work colleague. You might've heard of him. Endeavour, hm?"

At the sound of his name, you stiffened, confirming his suspicion. You were connected to him somehow. Hawks didn't know how, but he was going to figure it out. "Um, y-yeah. He's the no.1 h- hero, right?"the fear in your voice had returned, although you were trying hard to hide it.

Hawks nodded. "Yeah!" He had to find out how you were linked to Enji. Suddenly, he turned around and started flying back where you guys had started.

"W-what are you doing? Why are we going back?"you asked him. He looked down at you and replied, "we need to get bandages for your wounds. Otherwise your feet will get infected." You nodded. "Oh. Okay." With that you closed your eyes to prevent them from drying against the wind.

After maybe half an hour or so, you opened your eyes to look where you guys were flying to. You looked down and to your horror, saw a familiar house coming up. You looked at Hawks and he seemed to know what you were thinking. "We're going down there."he nodded his head towards the Todoroki estate. Your eyes grew wide, and your body started trembling. "No! No! We- we can't! We can't go there!" You started shaking your head. "And why not?"Hawks stopped flying towards the estate, simply flapping his wings to remain in the air. You just shook your head. "We can't. I can't. Just drop me off somewhere else. I'll be fine on my own." Hawks wanted to know the real reason. He frowned. "Tell me the truth right now or I'll take you down there this instant."

You gulped, his eyes were showing that he wasn't bluffing. Your eyes started to glisten with unshed tears as you finally told him the truth. You told him everything; about how Enji had kidnapped you, how he got rid of your real family, how he and Rei had tried to keep you a secret from everyone, how their kids found out about you but instead of helping you out, became attached to you just like their parents, about how the famous villian Dabi was Enji's son and how he would sometimes burn you. By the time you were done, tears were flowing down your cheeks as Hawks tried to process what you had just confessed to him.

"Do you trust me?"he suddenly asked you. You looked at him confused. "What?" He repeated again. "Do you trust me?" Did you? Honestly, not that much, but he was the only one who was going to help you so you slowly nodded. "Yes?" Not really sure of it yourself but Hawks accepted the answer anyways. "Good." As soon as he said that, he started flying again, towards the house. You started thrashing in his arms again. "No! You said you wouldn't take me back here! You said you wouldn't!"you were full on sobbing against him, trying to wring yourself free from his vice grip, but Hawks was neither listening nor relenting his tight hold on you.

You looked down and that's when you saw them. Enji, Rei, all of them, were standing in the garden looking at you and Hawks. Even Dabi was there. Rei must've panicked and called everyone. And from the look on his- everyone's face, you could tell you were in deep trouble.

You thrashed in Hawks arms, begging him to fly away, but he didn't listen to you at all.

Once you reached the ground, you didn't pull your head out of Hawk's chest. You don't want to see their rage or the punishments they have planned for you.

"Hey, Endeavour!" Hawks broke the silence first. "Mrs Todoroki. Kids." He nodded towards them. "Hawks. Who do you have there?"Enji asked, pretending as if he doesn't know you. Hawks laughed. "You don't have to pretend! I know everything." At this, Dabi activated his quirk, ready to cremate him but was stopped by Shotou.

Thinking that this was some sort of blackmail, Enji asked, "What do you want? Money?"

Hawks smirked. "Nope! Look, I know you kidnapped her and all but you are providing her a good life, right?" He paused to look at them. Everyone nodded. He continued. "And you're just keeping her home to protect her from harm?" Again, everyone nodded. "But she still managed to escape you all even though she's quirkless and you all are not."

"Get to the fucking point."Dabi said impatiently.

Hawks sighed. "Clearly, you need all the help you can get. You need me. I can help you help her keep safe and healthy!" He paused, before his eyes lit up. "I can't have my goddaughter getting hurt again." Everyone looked at him weirdly. Goddaughter?

"How about you hand her over and you'll still be able to fly." Dabi threatened, blue flames engulfing his hands. Hawks laughed again. He was right. It wasn't Enji who giving you those nasty burns, it was Dabi. "If something happens to me, I have enough evidence gathered against you" he pointed to Dabi, "and then cops will get involved and maybe take away Y/n away."

The threat of someone taking you away from them, made their heart drop. Rei, who had been previously sobbing, put a hand on Dabi's shoulder, telling him to calm down.

Hawks grinned at Enji, raising his eyebrows. "So what will it be, Endeavour?"

Enji understood the ultimatum Hawks was giving him. Either let him in the family or risk losing you to the authorities. And he knew Hawks wasn't one to make empty threats.

Enji's eyes snapped to you. You were trying to bury yourself into Hawks chest, trying to hide from them. He wasn't that mad at you for running, more worried if anything. Had his family really spooked you that much? He'll have to worry about that later. First he needs to get you back into his and Rei's arms.

Enji sighed, before nodding. "Fine. We'll do it your way."

Hawks beamed at that. "Great!" He was glad that Enji had accepted. "Now, you need to take Y/n in before she catches a cold; although I'm certain she already has. Oh and tend to her bloody feet too! Poor thing was just running around barefoot." He chuckled. Shotou moved forward to take you from Hawks but you clung tightly to Hawks shoulders.

"Please. Please. Just take me out of here. Please." You whispered to him, fresh tears pricking your eyes now.

You looked so scared. Your eyes were saucer wide, nose red from cold and cheeks flush. Fear. That was were you emitting. But the longer he looked at your face, he found something else too. Hope. Innocence. Naivety. And while fear was the predominant emotion, the latter were the ones that he wanted to protect. "Hawks." Enji's voice broke him out from his trance. Hawks smiled. Addressing you, he started rubbing soothing circles to your back. "Hey. Hey. Its okay, princess." You kept on crying, your eyes begging him to whisk you away anywhere but here. You looked so much like him when he was little. So afraid. "Listen, do you remember what I promised you?" You furrowed your eyebrows in confusion. You're so endearing. "I promised you that I'll never let anyone hurt you again, didn't I?" You nodded slowly. "I intent on keep that promise, dove. Infact I'll talk to your dad tonight! But you need to go in and take warm bath. I don't want you getting sick, okay?"

You had seemed to calm down as you slowly nodded and let him hand you over to Shotou, who quickly ushered you in, with Natsuo, Rei and Fuyumi quickly following behind, leaving Hawks with Dabi and Enji.

"Lets go to your office, Endeavour! I have to go over some details as Y/n's new godfather." Enji nodded and went inside to go to his home office. Hawks was about to follow but was stopped by Dabi. "What game are you playing, you freak?" 

Hawks chuckled, before swiftly pulling out a very sharp feather and pressing it against Dabi's jugular. "I'm just here to make sure that no one hurts Y/n again. And if I see another scorch mark on her, I'll find you and carve your skin into ribbons."

I will be accepting requests and asks for godfather hawks and Todoroki clan!

Oh and don't worry, I'm working on part 2 of rei hurting the reader. It'll be done soon! :)

[gyeomsweetgyeom]

you suck at crushes

College!Yangyang x College!Reader x College!Renjun 

summary: Renjun wants to help you get with Yangyang who wants to help you couple up with Renjun but they’re both annoying, maybe one less than the other

word count: 4.2k

(warnings: swearing, mentions of food) ((lmk if I missed anything))

Taglist! @lanadreamie

A/N: I hope you guys enjoy!! I swear reader ends up with only one guy I just don’t want to give away the ending and I know the summary is ass

-

God it was like the beams of sunshine just followed him around. Providing him with a natural spotlight that only worked to draw your attention to him even more than usual. The voices around you faded into background noise, and everything else besides him became so fuzzy you could only focus on the one and only- Liu Yangyang.

“Hello?” “Y/N!” “Are you listening to us?” Someone gripped your shoulder and shook you until you were out of your Yangyang-induced-haze. “Huh? Oh yeah… totally.” You answered with absolutely no idea about the conversation happening at the very table you sat at. 

Your friends snorted, teasing and making fun of you. A kissing noise, a high pitched teasing exclamation of the man of the hour’s name, and some playful elbows being jabbed into your side. When they finally stopped with the teasing and they actually filled you in you were able to answer some questions about the times at the library. 

You slipped into your seat in your geology class, a poor choice on your behalf and quite frankly the school for describing it as something that would be ‘fun and exciting.’ What a total load of BS that was. The professor was an old man that went on and on about his days in the field 40 years ago and rambled on and on about subjects that were 70% of the time not on the tests. However, the one and only bright side was that you had your favorite distraction in this class, Yangyang.

How could one person asking a question about the tectonic plates or the striations on a stupid rock be so attractive? He made it possible. 

“Staring yet again?” An annoying voice asked quietly, just inches from your ear.

“Who are you?” You asked annoyed.

“Y/N, that isn’t funny anymore. Not the first time you did it and not the hundreds of times after that. We lived on the same street for years before you decided to follow me here.” He answered with a huff. 

“Renjun, will you just go away? You know I’m no good at this so go bother someone else.” You replied. You took your eyes off Yangyang, gave Renjun a quick glare, and focused back on the lab work in front of you. Something stupid about hills or some moutain. Wasn’t this class supposed to be about rocks? 

“I don’t need help, I came to help you. We’re friends- shhhh.” Renjun started, quickly shutting you up before you could interrupt. “I can help you with this lab and help you win over your beloved Yangyang.”

You sent him a quizzical look. In all the years you had known Renjun he had never been this... generous- always wanting something in return. “He and I are friends, he’s been super annoying lately and complaining about some final project we decided to do together, but we have months to do it. If I help you guys get together in order to distract him, then he can stop bothering me about that final project. It’s a win-win-win situation.” He explained.

Well, that made a lot of sense. “What do you even have in mind? Yangyang and I don’t talk like we used to, how could we go from strangers to dating in just a couple months.”

“Don’t underestimate yourself. You were the person to show him around school when he was the new kid all those years ago when we were kids, you’re in better standing than you think. We all went to the same school, we already know each other, we all have this class, and I’m not going to let this fail because I do not fail. If I have to hear about the final project one more time I will rip all the hair off his head, three strands at a time.” Renjun pouted. 

“You sound completely crazy-”

“If you two need some help all you have to do is ask, I don’t need you two to argue and disrupt the class. Mr. Liu, since you seem to have a good understanding of the assignment, would you mind helping them out?” The professor called out. 

You and Renjun sent each other incredulous looks, were you really talking that loudly? “It’s earlier than expected, but don’t worry I got this,” Renjun whispered.

“You know if you guys had just spoken quietly, I could have left early but here I am. You can’t do anything without me can you?” Yangyang teased Renjun. 

“Oh, it wasn’t me. Y/N here is just so stupid, I was trying to explain the lab and it’s like all my words go in one ear and out the other. Maybe you can explain better than I can.” Renjun gestured toward you wildly. 

You immediately went to defend yourself but stopped when instead, Yangyang came to your defense. “Y/N isn’t stupid like you Injun, if you wanted some attention you didn’t have to bother someone innocent.”

Your face felt so hot, god this attention was too much to handle so suddenly. It was as if Renjun had thrown you into the deep end of a pool when you had just learned about the entire concept of swimming itself. If this was his attempt at getting you and Yangyang together you were now questioning the entire idea. It was just too much to handle so suddenly.

Yangyang quickly went on to explain the idea of the lab, giving you some tips to make the work easier and how it connected to past lessons. “Do you understand it a little more now?” He asked you.

You hissed when someone stomped on your foot beneath the table. Your eyes met Renjun’s while he discreetly shook his head, seemingly trying to send you some kind of message. But it seemed whatever he was sending was received because you quickly caught on, answering, “Oh uh, this whole class has actually been a bit more difficult than I anticipated, and you seem to have a way better understanding than I do. Would you be willing to maybe meet up sometime and just help a little more?”

“I’m free on Wednesday afternoons, let’s exchange numbers so maybe we can find out what you struggle the most with and what time works for you. Renjun are you coming too, you seemed to get the lab when I explained it,” Yangyang replied.

Renjun answered with a simple nod, sending Yangyang on his way for the remainder of the class. He was quiet the rest of the time, still sitting beside you. When the class was over he looked over at you, “This is going to be so much easier than I thought.”

-

Some point in the week after class you had all decided on the meeting place and time. Some little cafe just off campus after Yangyang was done with his last class of the day. He said the coffee was good and it wasn’t even expensive, to which Renjun was quick to add that they had friends working there so they got discounts. 

Renjun insisted on meeting you a little earlier to go over the details of the plan he had finally come up with. The plan mainly consisted of you just catching up with Yangyang, which would then progress to just the two of you hanging out, then bam! Dating! Much easier said than done you were quick to point out. His plan was just an idea with no details. Like what do you talk about? How do you make him like you? What kinds of things does he like? Could he even like you romantically?

“He actually mentioned to me that he was happy to talk to you again, so I have very high hopes. That was one conversation with him that was not about the final. Just have some hope.” Renjun shrugged. 

“You make this sound so simple, but you are not the one risking being embarrassed by telling the guy you’ve had a crush on since you were 10 about your feelings and having even less of a relationship than you’ve had for the past like 6 years.” You huffed.

“Since you were 10? That’s a little embarrassing.” Renjun let out.

Ever since you were kids it was like Renjun knew the exact words and actions to push your every button. Always getting on your nerves and getting under your skin. It was foolish of you to believe that he had matured enough to not tease you, even in your 20s and even in college. Huang Renjun sucked.

You brought your hands up to his neck, fully ready to wrap your hands around his neck and just squeeze- just enough pressure for him to get the idea to just shut up. But of course, that would be unacceptable in public and even less appropriate seeing as Yangyang had come right up to the table before you could do so. You improvised, changing your intended action of a throat squeeze to a nice hug, arms wrapped tightly around Renjun’s shoulders. You smiled brightly, tilting your head away from Yangyang so your lips were right beside Renjun’s ear, “I can go another 10 years buddy, learn to shut your damn mouth. I for one know how to follow through with my threats and will actually pull your hairs from your head- Yangyang, so good to see you!”

Yangyang looked between the both of you curiously, side by side, one with a bright, beaming smile and the other flushed, scared look on their face. He shook it off and pulled out his study materials while making small talk. 

By the end of the study session you felt more confident in your geology skills and your chances with Yangyang. He had gotten exponentially cooler as he got older than the kid you met all those years ago. Sure, he was still chaotic and sarcastic, even still a little dramatic, but it nonetheless made your heart skip a beat, just like the first time you laid eyes on him. 

-

Over the next few weeks Renjun slowly stopped coming to the study sessions. He always had some excuse or another, that neither you or Yangyang ever really questioned. In those few weeks you and Yangyang had grown closer as friends, texting each other about more than just class, checking in on each other, sending stupid memes and tiktoks, even a few inside jokes.

But of course, Renjun had to have his time too. Instead of just texting you, he would make conversation anytime he saw you on campus, even going as far as asking you to hang out when he wanted to know what was going on. Every night without fail, he would FaceTime you for at least an hour and a half to ask for very detailed updates which at some point became you two just talking about your days in general. He liked to judge your every decision, giving his own input on even minor things like the seat you sat in for a class he didn’t even have. He said his life lacked drama so he needed to live vicariously through his friends.

“I know we usually meet at the cafe, but even with that discount I really shouldn’t be spending all that money there every week. Do you mind if we meet at mine this week? I promise my roommate buys enough snacks to feed the whole complex and he makes me clean the place every week.” Yangyang suggested about a month and a half into your studying arrangement. 

You of course agreed, you’d be crazy to not want to go to your crush’s home, just the two of you- alone, and talking about… rocks. 

So when the next week came and Wednesday afternoon rolled around, you found yourself standing right outside your crush’s door, fist raised to knock. You were so nervous, just being alone with him in his home! This wasn’t the cafe where you had other people around, where you knew where things were, close to your home. No, this was his house, and that made you beyond nervous. 

He pulled the door open, a wide smile on his face as he welcomed you in. He set your things at his kitchen table and gave you a short tour of the home. “My roommate will be back later tonight, but he made us some food if we get hungry later,” He told you while he brought out his own supplies, once again ready to conquer your weekly study session.

And even though you did at one point struggle very much with the subject, this particular topic seemed easier to understand. So after even correcting Yangyang a few times, the study session became more of a hang out session. So casual that you even answered Renjun’s texts, chuckling at him freaking out in all caps because you were in Yangyang’s home.

“No, but Renjun did that last time we hung out too! We were in public, like full on glass of water spilled across the table and he got so red,” you laughed recalling the memory from just a few weeks ago after watching Yangyang do the same.

Then just a few minutes later when you were both watching TV you mumbled, “I think Renjun would like this show. This is on Netflix right?”

Yangyang being the smart kid that he is, had pieces coming together in his mind, ideas that he wasn’t even sure if you knew yet. He was going to make this happen.

-

Renjun sat in front of Yangyang, a month before the end of the semester, finally working on the final project. Which, thanks to you, had not been mentioned even once since you and Yangyang started hanging out until a week ago.

After finishing his part for the day Yangyang leaned back in his chair, sighed and smiled. “I think I’m going to ask Sua from our history class out.”

Renjun choked on his drink, did Yangyang really have to pick the exact moment he took a sip of his drink to tell him this? He cleared his throat, “Since when do you like her?”

Yangyang shrugged nonchalantly, explaining that Sua worked at the cafe he was always at and at some point they just kind of hit it off.

Renjun nodded, a little excessively. In his head he was trying to figure out what the hell to do. He knew you liked Yangyang and how hurt you would be if Yangyang suddenly had a girlfriend. At this moment, you were the only thing on Renjun’s mind. “Really? I actually thought you and Y/N might be a really good match, and you guys obviously get along well.” He replied.

Yangyang hid his smirk by taking a sip of his drink, “I don’t know, Y/N is really just much more of a friend than anything. Like don’t get me wrong Y/N is cool, but I see Sua more romantically.”

Before Renjun even had time to process his words and think of the consequences, he suddenly blurted out, “Well, Y/N likes you- and has liked you since we were kids. You have to think about more feelings than just your own Yangyang. Think of Y/N.”

“Like you think about Y/N?” Yangyang replied. Renjun tilted his head in confusion, trying to understand what Yangyang was talking about. 

“I know you never grew out of that crush you had in middle school- it’s that cute childhood neighbors to lovers thing. I know that whole plan you made so I could finally pay attention to Y/N, and while I admit it worked, because Y/N is a cool friend, this plan didn’t work the way you wanted it to. I see the way you look at Y/N and every time we hang out that’s all you can talk about. I’m smarter than you Injun, I know.” 

Renjun flushed, these were emotions that he had buried deep down years ago. In just two months Yangyang had uncovered and brought his emotions to light. Emotions that had at one point been disguised as that annoying 13 year old kid that would bother you to your wit’s end and now evolved to Renjun putting your emotions before his own. Days that were once filled with him tugging on your hair or tapping on your shoulder and looking away as if it weren’t him, had now become days of texting or facetiming you regularly just to catch up like he had wanted. 

“I think you should tell Y/N how you feel, don’t underestimate your chances.” Yangyang told Renjun as they made their way out of the cafe. 

-

When Yangyang told you that he knew you liked him, that he wasn’t interested, that he was actually going to date Sua from his history class, you thought you would be more upset. Embarrassed that he knew you liked him all this time, angry that he didn’t tell you earlier, or heartbroken that your crush of almost 10 years didn’t like you like you liked him. But you weren’t. You weren’t embarrassed, or angry, or heartbroken. You felt fine, it felt like he was just telling you what he ate for lunch. “Okay, so how do you tell the difference between these crystals again?” You replied with a nod. 

“And I know you like Renjun.” He added quietly. 

You looked up suddenly, eyes wide with shock, “What?”

“Come on Y/N, I think this whole ‘Renjun annoys me to no end’ is just a ploy. Whenever we hang out he’s all you talk about, you guys FaceTime like every night, right? You smile every time he texts you, and even though you play it off as ironic shit-posting- those stories you always post with all the hearts and cheesy ass captions stopped being a joke at some point. You may not have realized it but even with Renjun as just a friend to you now, he means more to you than I do.” 

You huffed, crossing your arms across your chest, “You know you’re smarter than you look, but I really don’t like you psychoanalyzing me.” 

He laughed loudly, “So what are you going to do about it?”

“I don’t exactly have a good record with crushes, obviously. I don’t know what to do now,” you quietly answered, “Anyway this seems like a good ending point, we’ll meet one more time before the final right? Just text me if you need anything alright?” 

Before Yangyang could even stop you or try to reassure you, you were hastily packing up your things and out the door. How was he going to get the two of you together now?

-

It seemed that mother nature seemed to understand the tornado of emotions that were happening for you and Renjun, though you both had no idea about one another, what had started off as a gorgeous spring day had become a dark and rainy spring night. Even Yangyang laid in his bed, unable to sleep as he remembered that he had failed to mention or even plan out- that neither of you knew you liked each other. That would have been nice to know, but it was a little too late for that now seeing as it was like two in the morning. 

If you liked Renjun, which it sounded like you did, according to Yangyang and the more you thought about it, it really felt like you did. Not some surface level ‘I like to admire you from afar for 10 years’ crush but rather a ‘I like you and want to spend time with you and I’d hate to see you smile at anyone else like you smile at me and possibly fall in love.’ You sat straight up in bed, flashes of the lightning outside lit your room up, did you just think about falling in love with Renjun? Before you could process anymore thoughts you pulled on a coat and some shoes, grabbing the umbrella you kept by the door. You had to tell Renjun how you felt.

Stepping out of your apartment complex, you thanked the love gods for allowing Renjun to live just a few blocks away from each other and not across town. There was no doubt in your mind that by the time you reached him, you would be soaked to the bone, but you had to do this. There was no point in keeping this crush to yourself just for nothing, you had to take the risk and just hope for the best. Best case scenario, you get a boyfriend, and worst case, well then you don’t talk to him for another few years and every time you see him your heart feels like it's being stomped on. You know, something that could become a regular feeling. 

You hurried through the storm, dodging large puddles while trying your best to stay beneath the awnings of the buildings. You stopped at a light, looking out into the rain to see just how much further you had until you got to Renjun’s place. But instead you focused on the sight of someone rushing through the rain to get to the opposite end of the crosswalk. You squinted through the downpour, realizing that the person at the other end of the crosswalk was “Renjun?”

You rushed toward him, lucky that there were no cars at this hour of the night to dodge. He ran forward, meeting you in the middle, pulling your hand forward so that the umbrella covered you both. “What are you doing out here?” He asked you loudly so you could hear him over the rain. 

“I was coming to see you,” you started, meeting his eyes that told you he was waiting to hear more, “Renjun I like you. I really like you. I don’t smile, or laugh, or feel happy or even feel annoyed with anyone else like I feel when I’m with you. I want to be happy and date you, use your stupid plans to plan dates for us. I don’t want anyone else but you.”

“God, you don’t know how long I’ve been waiting to hear you say that. I’ve had a crush on you since middle school, you don’t know how happy this makes me.” He beamed, using his free hand to cup your cheek.

His hands were wet, and his fingers were cold as they cupped your warm cheek. “Are you gonna kiss me or what?” You asked.

He surged forward, lips meeting your own in a passionate kiss as your eyes fluttered shut. Your lips moved against his own, wrapping your free arm around his neck to pull him closer. He let his other arm fall to bring you closer by the waist, deepening the kiss. With one arm holding up the umbrella you decided to just fuck it, dropping the umbrella you placed your hand at the back of his neck.

A sudden honk made the two of you jump apart, rushing back to the end of the crosswalk to avoid getting hit by an angry driver. 

“You crazy kids! Living your movie moment! I did it!” You heard a voice yell over the pounding rain. 

“Yangyang?” Both you and Renjun called out upon catching sight of Yangyang leaning out his car window.

He smiled, gesturing for the two of you to get in the car. You both shuffled into the backseat, hands held close and sitting side by side to warm each other up after being out in the horrible weather for so long. You were both shivering, teeth chattering, and lips nearly blue from the cold. 

“Aren’t you guys glad I meddled? I mean look at you guys, all cute and cuddled up after your adorable kiss in the rain.” Yangyang giddily smiled as he shook some of the water out of hair. 

“Can you just take us back to mine, I’d like to get dry so we don’t get sick. If that’s ok with you,” Renjun asked, whispering the last bit to you. 

You nodded, squeezing his hand reassuringly. Yangyang nodded, putting the car in drive, chatting your ears off about how happy he was that the plan worked even when he didn’t plan well considering he forgot to mention that you liked each other. He told you both that he was on his way to Renjun’s to tell him that you liked him and force him to FaceTime you and confess.

He pulled up in front of the apartment complex, turning to give you a cocky smirk before you could even get out of the car or thank him for the ride, “So is Injun a good kisser?”

“This whole car ride made me realize how much you suck, seriously. I clearly made the right choice, so I hope and pray for your sake Sua has a mountain of patience, like you never shut up- ever. Thank you for the ride.” You ranted angrily before you made your way out of the car.

Yangyang’s jaw fell in fake offense, “You sure know how to pick ‘em Renjun.”

But he wasn’t met with the shocked face he thought he would see, he was instead met with a dazed, lovesick look. “Yeah I do, I might be in love.”