#i am educating myself and i intend to do better about raising awareness/helping where i can

[pics-pizza-peace]

I noticed recently that there are many cat owners in Gaza. I also noticed that my younger cat Bailey is entirely black & white(aside from her eyes, mouth, nose, ears, some of her toe-beans & her belly) & green & red. If she knew what was going on with the world right now I know she'd be proud of me for staying aware, and including her in helping others with the same.

This is a redraw of one of my favorite pictures of her, and though I wish I could draw more, I am currently traveling. I cannot draw with my PC & tablet setup like I could for this piece, but when I can I will, and post more.

Bailey Mage was a rescue kitten. She had a few other siblings when we found her, but unfortunately we couldn't save the whole litter from fleas. She is pretty much grown today, though she still has a rather strong reaction to alcohol wipes/dry-erase markers(taking a long flea-removal-bath when you're smaller will do that). Whenever I see videos/pictures of people in Palestine carrying their cats & kittens(during such a horrible struggle to simply survive), I make sure and remember to hug both of my cats. Nobody's pets are truly safe, until Everyone's pets are truly safe.

[ibijau]

Concubine nhs pt10 / on AO3

Lan Qiren was predictably satisfied that next morning to learn that his nephew was finally willing to let him start looking for a young woman who would become empress. He had been pressing for it even before Lan Xichen met Nie Huaisang, and it had since become one of their few causes for arguments. This change of opinion pleased him so well that Lan Xichen felt a fresh new layer of guilt adding up to what was already plaguing him.

“I’m glad that boy can make you behave, where I can’t,” Lan Qiren said after being fed a lie. “I suppose I should have expected it. He’s smart, when he bothers.” To this Lan Xichen replied with a puzzled look, so his uncle explained. “I’ve been sending him books to study, and he sends notes saying what he thought of them. His understanding is usually shallow on most subjects, but he makes interesting observations sometimes. A good teacher might make something of him.”

That was something that Nie Huaisang had mentioned. Or at least, he had said that Lan Qiren was sending him books, blaming those less frivolous volumes he had in the little house on the emperor’s uncle. The way he’d spoken about it seemed to imply that he was not reading them, and he certainly never said anything about writing his own commentary on them.

It upset Lan Xichen to think that his uncle might have known Nie Huaisang better than he did.

He wondered if there was anyone who didn't know Nie Huaisang better than he did.

“If shufu thinks so, then he’s welcome to see if Huaisang might be interested in being taught,” Lan Xichen said, keeping his tone polite and distant. “Once I am married, I fear I might have less time to devote to him. Studying would provide him with something to do.”

And perhaps Nie Mingjue would hate Lan Xichen a little less in the future if his brother was given a chance for education. Perhaps that could still be saved. If Lan Qiren was the one to find him a teacher, it would certainly be a good one. Nothing but the best would do for an imperial concubine, and Lan Qiren had very high standards.

“I’ll see what can be arranged,” Lan Qiren promised. “I might visit him myself if I have time. I’ve missed having a student, and I’m curious about that boy. Even Wangji seems to think well of him, I can't continue ignoring him eternally.”

Lan Xichen smiled with as much joy as he could fake. He would have to warn Nie Huaisang then. His uncle was not prone to gossip, but he might become upset at Lord Nie for having used his son in such a manner, and Lan Xichen did not wish to see that friendship compromised. Not only that, but he did not want to be scolded for having behaved like a fool. He was ashamed enough about everything that had happened without his uncle lecturing him about it.

Having dealt with that matter, Lan Xichen went on with his day, not without some difficulty. He found it hard to focus on councils, or the people to whom he granted audiences. Every problem was important, and deserved his full attention, but his mind was elsewhere, and only through great effort did he manage to do his duty. Only a bad emperor would let private business distract him from his empire, he'd always been told, and yet there he was.

It took just as much effort to get ready to go to the little house that evening. Lan Xichen had prepared some reports he needed to read, hoping to somehow turn the time spent in that house into something productive. That plan crumbled when he opened the door only to be greeted by Nie Huaisang, dressed in his finest clothes, wearing too much jewellery, smiling at him as if nothing had happened.

“You’re home!” Nie Huaisang exclaimed, springing from the sofa where he’d been sitting and running toward Lan Xichen who only escaped his concubine’s embrace by holding up a hand and pushing him away.

“What are you doing?” Lan Xichen snarled.

Nie Huaisang stumbled, his smile wavering. He stared at Lan Xichen for a moment, eyes wide and terrified, before quickly lowering his gaze as he bowed deeply.

“His highness said he would continue visiting,” Nie Huaisang mumbled. “This humble one thought his highness would wish… that I should…”

“No!” Lan Xichen exclaimed, so embarrassed it made him nauseous.

He still wanted Nie Huaisang, still loved him. He couldn’t help it, not even when he now knew that the person he loved wasn’t real. But as much as he’d been desperate the day before for any sign that Nie Huaisang might wish to continue his comedy, now that it was truly happening, the thought of it was appalling. It was bad enough that he’d unknowingly taken advantage in the past, but to still kiss Nie Huaisang and take him to bed while fully aware that the other man did not want him back would have been criminal.

He’d made a mistake in taking what was only offered under duress. He would not make another mistake in continuing to take advantage.

“We’re not doing that anymore,” Lan Xichen said, prompting Nie Huaisang to raise his eyes and throw him a confused look. “I’ve told you, I’m only continuing to come here to avoid giving the impression that your family fell out of favour. I’m not… I won’t ask that of you again. You can be safe on that regard at least!”

That reassurance did not have the intended effect, and Nie Huaisang only looked more distressed. Perhaps now that the initial shock of being discovered had passed, he was worried about what his father would say when he heard about that failure, and truly hoped to mend what had broken. Lan Xichen felt angry, but sorry too. Maybe when the war was over, he would find a way to free Nie Huaisang from his current position without sending him back to face his father.

Maybe Lan Qiren had the right idea, about finding him a teacher. If Nie Huaisang could pass the exams and enter the administration, his father might find it harder to punish him.

“In the future, when I come here, just continue on as if you were alone,” Lan Xichen ordered. “I will do the same. You don’t need to dress up like this, either. Just keep on what you’d normally wear.”

“Yes, your highness.”

Lan Xichen opened his mouth, ready to say there was no need to be using his title, only to quickly change his mind. Much as that new proof of the distance between them pained him, it would be worse to be addressed in a familiar manner. This was safer.

“Let’s eat,” Lan Xichen decided. “Then I will work for a while and sleep. You’ll take the bed,” he added after a moment of reflection. “I’ll take the sofa.”

“Your highness should take the bed,” Nie Huaisang protested. “It would be more suitable.”

“The sofa is fine.”

Nie Huaisang hesitated, and bowed even deeper. “His highness is tall, and the sofa is not long enough for him to lay down comfortably. This humble one is shorter, and has fallen asleep there many times without issues.”

It was reasonable, but Lan Xichen disliked the idea of sending Nie Huaisang to sleep on the sofa while keeping the bed to himself. It would feel like taking advantage again.

“You take the bed,” he insisted. “I might not even sleep at all anyway. I have a lot of work.”

Nie Huaisang looked unconvinced. He pouted, as if ready to say something about Lan Xichen’s stubbornness, as he did sometimes. But remembering he didn’t have to pretend to care anymore, he just lowered his eyes and gave up on the matter.

The evening, after that, went on quietly and awkwardly. They ate without a word, Lan Xichen having to fight several times the impulse to put in Nie Huaisang’s bowl some vegetables he knew the other man liked, or to ask him about his day. That heavy silence between them was hard to handle and yet necessary, or so Lan Xichen tried to convince himself. When they were done, the table was freed and cleaned to Lan Xichen could work, while Nie Huaisang grabbed a book and took refuge on the bed. It was the same military treaty as the previous day. Lan Xichen couldn’t help being upset about that for some reason, though he tried to focus on the reports he’d brought.

Tried, and failed.

"Shufu has told me he'd like to come see you," Lan Xichen announced after a while, when he found himself glancing at Nie Huaisang again and their eyes met. "He is interested in talking to you about the books he's made you read. I would appreciate if you kept our current situation from him." 

"Of course, your highness,” Nie Huaisang replied, curling up a little tighter in his corner of the bed.

"He also spoke of finding you a teacher. If that's something you'd like, tell him. We have to start planning for your future after the war." 

"Yes, your highness." 

Lan Xichen frowned, wanting to ask what Nie Huaisang wanted, but refrained from it. Lan Qiren would be told, and he was the one who could organise those things. Having warned Nie Huaisang, the rest was out of Lan Xichen's hands. 

For a good while longer, Lan Xichen continued reading. He took notes as long as he could, until tiredness made that impossible. Then he laid down on the sofa, forced to fold his body in a rather uncomfortable position as he continued reading. 

After those last few days, even a bad position was not enough to keep Lan Xichen awake through the night. Without noticing he fell asleep, and only woke up a little before dawn. His aching back was what woke him, but the first thing he really noticed was that someone had wrapped a heavy blanket around him while he slept. 

There could be no doubt that it was Nie Huaisang’s doing. Aside from the two of them, nobody would have dared to enter the little house at night. Servants had been instructed quite strictly from the start to wait until morning to pick up empty dishes, unless ordered otherwise. But as to why Nie Huaisang would do such a thing, Lan Xichen couldn't be sure. 

It might have been nothing more than duty, and the need for every subject to care for their emperor. Or perhaps it was merely the force of habit, after three years of living together. Or else, if Lan Xichen allowed himself a moment of weakness, he could pretend that Nie Huaisang did care for him, not as an emperor but as a person.

A pleasant illusion to have in the vanishing darkness, but which could not be lingered on as morning light lazily inundated the little house. 

Lan Xichen got up from the sofa, and stretched as best as he could when he wouldn't let go of that blanket. Out of habit, he turned his attention to the bed, where Nie Huaisang was sleeping deeply. Just like Lan Xichen, he must have fallen asleep by accident: his candle had entirely consumed itself, and his book laid open on the mattress, not far from his hand. 

It wasn't an unfamiliar scene. Nie Huaisang would sometimes stay awake later than was reasonable, reading about poetry or devouring a novel. What Lan Xichen would do then, what he did again that morning, was to pick up the discarded book, placing something in it to keep the page. He would then make sure Nie Huaisang was warm enough, which he did that time by giving back the blanket offered to him during the night. And then, because Nie Huaisang always looked so sweet and peaceful in sleep, he would… 

Lan Xichen froze above Nie Huaisang, having stopped just before his lips could touch the other man's. He remained that way a moment, hardly daring to breathe as the realisation of what he had almost done hit him. Then, as if struck by an invisible force, he quickly stumbled back, nearly tripping on the hem of his robe in his haste to put distance between himself and the sleeping young man. 

Habit was a powerful thing, Lan Xichen thought as he hurried to make himself presentable so he could leave that cursed house. 

He would have to be more careful in the future.

[whiterosebrian]

Letter To Democrats

I felt the need to do something besides raising awareness of environmental, indigenous, and socio-economic issues. I’ve decided to compose and then mail multiple printed copies of a letter to multiple politicians across the USA. I did wonder if I should copy-and-paste the letter to social media profiles like I did for the one that I wrote to President Biden. Ultimately, I decided that posting the letter would serve two purposes. First, I wanted to let indigenous activists know that they have another willing accomplice. Second, this could provide a decent template for anyone who also feels a need to write to political leaders and put pressure on them to take much-needed action. Without any further ado…

Greetings,

I am writing a generic letter to send to assorted politicians across the United States. For reasons that I will articulate over the course of this letter, I felt a serious need to address as many members of the American political leadership as possible. I do not intend to call you out personally. If you do take it as a personal callout, please consider why you feel that way.

The reports of wildfires, heat waves, and floods have filled many, many observers with existential terror. Some have even expressed utter despair over whether the world will be inhabitable by any form of life. At times I have been tempted to join the despair, to give up hope of ever leaving a beautiful legacy for future generations. For the sake of all the people of the world, I must fight that temptation. I need to do my part to fight for the future.

There are a large number of activists trying to protect the environment. However, they need help from people who have the power to make really concrete changes. That is why I am writing to you and other Democratic politicians. That does sound very partisan, but the sad fact is that the Republican party is almost a lost cause at this point. I wish to be proven wrong about that. The fact is that it already engaged in brutal obstruction during the Obama administration. A sinister side to the base already started emerging during that time as well. With the rise of Donald Trump, the much of its leadership and nearly all of its electoral base have become increasingly unwilling to offer the kind of compromise needed for a functional democracy.

The Democratic party as a whole has been criticized as very weak in opposing the radicalizing Republican Party. The current President has spoken of a desire for restoring national unity. That desire is certainly laudable in itself when Trump blatantly stoked resentment and division. Again, however, the Republican party and its core supporters have shown a complete unwillingness to work with any opponents in any way. They view their opponents as subversive enemies that need to be crushed underfoot. The Republican party has inched towards neo-fascism at a time when neo-fascism is mainstreaming around the world. The Republican party has also already been beholden to the selfish interests of major corporations for decades. It even seeks to magnify the already dire influence of corporations chiefly responsible for pollution. Its propaganda outlets outright deny pollution and mislead millions of people.

Some Democratic politicians have also been criticized as going along with corporate interests and watering down legislation meant to oppose corporate influence. By now it has become clear that corporate elites do not have the safety of the world and its human and nonhuman denizens in mind. By now it has become clear that they must be reined in for the greater good. The only language that major corporations even comprehend is money. Here I arrive at the first main point of this letter: I urge you to work with other Democratic leaders to divest from major corporations and their executives, especially those most directly responsible for polluting the Earth. I’ve also seen proposals that corporations be forced to contribute to removing as much pollution as possible. Quickening the transition away from fossil fuels is crucial.

However, alternate energy sources are not enough. Switching from gas-powered cars to electric cars is not enough. Building solar or wind farms in place of coal-burning power plants is not enough. Extraction and consumption cause their own serious problems. The problem of environmental degradation has roots that are far too deep and complicated to address here, though I will touch upon one later. Going hand-in-hand with corporate influence are the bad social and urban infrastructures that do not encourage sustainable lifestyles. I barely even know where to begin in this regard. Cities are too often built for cars and not people. Most people have to drive carbon-spewing cars to work at jobs that are not well-suited to their needs in order to pay their bills and feed their families. Too many people are left in poverty or near-poverty, some people are more-or-less isolated in suburbs, and a tiny handful are virtually untouchable in their wealth and privilege. Healthy food is not always accessible, and even when it is, it often has to be shipped very far from the source.

My second main point is this: in addition to transitioning to cleaner energy, the very infrastructure of our society needs to reformed. Local communities need to be lifted up so that they can better care for themselves without the need for distant figures constantly having to provide for them through convoluted supply chains. It’s true that right-wingers speak of “small government” with the unspoken agenda of leaving corporate oligarchs and ultra-conservative clergy to rule over ordinary human beings. Nonetheless, I believe that, at this point, government needs to assist in rebuilding communities so that they can eventually leave denizens to stand on their feet and care for each other. The pandemic, along with the poor responses of many local officials, has shown the need for communities to engage in mutual care.

I will confess that this exhortation is the vaguest one in this letter. I lack in-depth education on such matters. I bring it up in order to further nudge you in a direction that would be far better for the Earth and its people. I can offer one example of what must be done that is slightly clearer: helping communities establish gardens and small-scale farms to better feed themselves.

On a very important side note, this nation needs to divest from the military as well. The largest and most powerful military in history is known to be among the largest polluters on earth. Too many politicians seem to ignore how massive the military already is an insist on subsidizing it at the cost of actually building a peaceful and prosperous society.

I further wish to discuss the need to center indigenous peoples in renewing our society. No, I am no indigenous myself. I simply wish to point to their wisdom. Yes, the sagely magical Indian who is one with Mother Earth is a crude stereotype, and I have no intention of reinforcing it. With that said, I follow a number of indigenous writers, activists, spiritualists, and influencers on social media. I learned about how many indigenous people are attempting to reconnect to previously outlawed and hidden heritages. The stereotype could be rooted in reality.

In most cases, those heritages include animistic spiritualities, in which aspects of the natural world, from plants to animals to waters to stones, are seen as having spirits. Furthermore, these aspects of the natural world are seen as relatives to humans. I should note how some well-meaning white people, wishing to bond with the earth instead of submitting to organized religion, appropriate these indigenous spiritualties and associated practices. Indigenous writers will encourage such people to instead delve into their own pre-Christian heritages, which have similar animistic philosophies, however obscured by time they may be. I have actually been doing just that—though I won’t elaborate because I don’t want to center myself.

You may be asking, what is the relevance said common thread of the spiritualities of indigenous peoples? That animism seems to go hand-in-hand with methods of land care that developed over generations of trial and error, along with the principles behind those methods. With the subjugation and expulsion (and worse) of the land’s original caretakers, though, these practices fell into obscurity. The most dramatic example, perhaps, is the suppression of controlled burnings on the western coastline leading to the wildfires that we have seen in recent years. Indeed, the different lands of different indigenous nations need their own subtly distinct approaches, based on ecosystems, geographies, local histories, and general senses of place. Indigenous activists and figureheads are calling upon governments to heed their words on not only conservation but also regeneration.

One of the main demands that indigenous activists make is for the return of their lands, full sovereignty over them, and the facilitation of cultural revival. Yes, that is a very simple manner of justice and righting a historic wrong. It has become evident that their wisdom is a crucial piece of the puzzle of solving environmental problems as well. Simple “colorblind” or “globalized” liberalism won’t suffice when working for social or environmental justice. Indigenous activists argue that colonialism is at the root of so many of our world’s problems. Many of them even outright state that the “colonial state” in itself is a problem. I can see how colonialism has promoted the rise of an all-devouring capitalism and perpetuated it. The grim historical fact of how the enslavement of Black people and the elimination of indigenous peoples contributed to building this nation remains a grim historical fact.

I myself am figuring out the world and learning many truths, but I am sympathetic to people who have borne the brunt of colonialism. I welcome the humanistic achievements of modernity and utterly oppose fundamentalism and fascism, I assure you, but I’ve come to accept that the modern world is broken. Simple progress won’t heal the world. “Big government” certainly has a role to play in mobilizing the needed social changes, such as what I’ve alluded to above, but the “colonial state” needs to ultimately divest its own power.

I’ll try to summarize my points now. Major corporations and economic elites need to be drastically reined in and disempowered (along with the military). The transition to renewable energies needs to be quickened—but also needs to be accompanied by drastic changes to infrastructures and supply chains so as to result in less extraction and consumption. Localized communities need to be empowered so they can better care for themselves without much out faraway aid. Indigenous peoples need to be given their lands back, be elevated to leadership roles in caring for and regenerating said lands, and be empowered so they can rebuild their cultures. Settlers should learn from them as well. In the end, the state and the socio-economic system that it has upheld need to recede—not for billionaires or grand inquisitors or dictators, but for ordinary people and the earth. In truth, humans are meant to be a part of nature, and the generational challenge is for humanity to reconcile with the rest of nature.

This all may sound idealistic or radical. This past summer has shown us that we shouldn’t settle for anything less than radical social change. This nation, which has been a major world power for over a century, needs to be radically reimagined. This all may sound vague as well. I have little education in politics and governance apart from what I’ve tried to learn for myself across the internet. That is all the more reason for people like you—people with more real-world power than I—to push along radical social change. This letter is meant to raise awareness of your duty as a leader. A leader is meant to be a guide, not a dominator. There’s a chance that you could be recorded in history as a leader who did what was necessary to make the world’s healing and renewal possible.

Thank you.

You may call me Brian Solomon Whiterose.

[poisonfallen]

Your take on cancel culture and stan culture?

Oh boy, oh boy, it's happening.

Alright, let's talk about toxic people on the internet. And keep in mind that my opinion goes beneath the mcyt community. I feel the same about the kpop community and any other community that is famous for having lots of toxic people. 

Also, keep in mind that this is my opinion about these topics, I don’t intend to offend or misinform anybody. I might be wrong, and if I am wrong indeed, please help me correct any mistake that I’ve done.

Cancel culture

Before ranting about its toxicity, let's understand what it actually means and how it works.

What is cancel culture? 

Well, according to Wikipedia, “cancel culture or call-out culture is a modern form of ostracism in which someone is thrust out of social or professional circles – whether it be online, on social media, or in person” (source). 

Basically, cancel culture is the process of ceasing offering support to a public figure after saying or doing something that is considered objectionable or offensive. 

In theory, cancel culture is a good thing that helps the victims speak up and properly defend themselves, as well as preventing other people from doing the same mistakes. No harm done to innocent people, just a way of saying why a certain person or a certain company has done something that really hurt a category of people. Some even say that it’s an exercise of free speech.

However, while a culture that encourages calling out inappropriate behaviour is important, a culture that is quick to cancel and reluctant to forgive is something that divides the internet and starts wars in the trial of defending an opinion that is not shared by every single person on the internet, thus becoming the thing that its purpose is to defeat. (a vicious cycle of hatred)

So why is it toxic?

From my point of view, I don’t think that cancel culture is a toxic thing in theory. But the way people actually use it is what concerns (and bothers) me. 

In its current form, anonymous and fuelled by negative emotions, cancel culture has the power to destroy a person’s career in a matter of minutes. There are no gray areas, just the white and black pack mentality: “I am right and you are wrong”. 

The subject of the cancelation becomes “cancelled” for disagreeing with a certain opinion, and the cancelled one feels like the whole world is hating them. No one can argue that going through a cancellation, no matter how big or small it is, can severely affect one’s mental health and leave them scarred for life. 

Cancel culture, at this point, is bullying someone famous without facing the consequences. We are already used to surf the web and stumble across someone’s cancelation over something that not even in our wildest dreams we would be able to imagine otherwise. 

I think that all of us are familiar with a stupid cancelation, like canceling someone over a burger that somehow became the sole reason of obesity (see: Dream MrBeast burger). We can’t help but laugh at people trying to cancel someone for a stupid reason. 

But, unfortunately, not all of our cancelations are stupid or laughable. There are people cancelled over their physical aspect or them not being political active, people cancelled over being friends with certain people or over saying something that is now considered to be slightly offensive a few years ago. The ones who are under the spotlight can’t make jokes or take decisions by themselves, they are supposed to be the marionettes of their fans. 

(I do not intend to say that all cancelations are bad, but I’m trying to highlight how the majority of the most recent cancelations are out of place. If someone actually tries to actively harm your minority, your beliefs etc. you should call out that inappropriate behaviour, but without purposely harming that person as a means of payback) 

There is also a toxic behaviour that I’ve noticed in a cancelation: the “I forgive you”/”I don’t forgive you” phrase used by people who have no right to do so. If you are part of the minority who has been hurt, then you have every right to forgive or not someone for saying or doing something hurtful towards your minority. 

But if you are not a part of that minority, shut the f*** up. By speaking on behalf of a minority while you aren’t part of that minority you take away the right of actually addressing the issue from the people who are part of that minority. You can support them from the sides and let them express their pain with their own voice. They perfectly capable of addressing the issue, they need your support but not you taking the spotlight away from the actual problem.

What is my take on cancel culture?

I think that there are more civil ways of resolving an issue without actively trying to destroy someone’s career. Instead of cancelling that person, we could educate them (but not in that harmful way I’ve seen on twitter) on the subject and on why their words or actions are hurtful. 

We should remember that we are all humans and that every human makes mistakes. Don’t forget that children learn by making mistakes. And while I’m well aware that we are not talking about children here, you should also be well aware that we are talking about actual humans with feelings. 

Cancelation should be the last weapon we use, but only if that person refuses to give an apology and educate themselves on the subject. 

Overall, don’t. Just don’t cancel people. Don’t attack people on the internet. Don’t try to harm people on the internet. 

Some of you might disagree with my opinion and I’m open to criticism as long as you can help me educate more on the subject.

Now let’s move on to the other topic

Stan culture

Before I start talking about this one, I’d like to point out that stans actually scare me, a lot. 

What is stan culture?

“Stan culture describes an online phenomenon in which communities of stalker fans, or stans, engage in overly enthusiastic support of a favorite celebrity online (called “stanning”), including at times vehement, coordinated attacks against detractors and critics” (source). 

Basically stan = stalker + fan. 

There are also people who say that the word stan comes from Eminem’s song “Stan” which tells the story of a crazed fan. I do recommend listening to the lyrics of this song if Eminem is not your cup of tea, it’s a good intake in what stan culture was at the beginning of 2000′s.

To be honest, I don’t have anything more to add at this section. Anything more I’d say would, in the end, be the same as what was already stated. (but you can see my opinion on it with more comments at the end)

It stan culture toxic?

You have to live under a rock if you had never seen a stan on twitter or tumblr. You usually recognize them by their profile pictures, the content they share, their posts and their ready to argue behaviour in case you insult or disagree with the ones they worship. 

I’d like to point out that there is a fine line between a stan and a fan: stans know no length when it comes to defending their object of worship and often have really toxic ways of expressing their opinions, while a fan is there just to enjoy their favourite content without engaging in harmful discussion and hate speeches. 

This topic is filled with controversy. In essence, stanning should be a means of showing support. The majority of them don’t even realize the toxicity they spread only after leaving the fandom. 

The real problem here is the moment when they engage in conflicts without entertaining the thought that they might be wrong. Anything they do is right and their object of worship can say or do no mistake. This extends to the point of sending death threats and even doxxing. 

For those who don’t know about doxxing, short for dropping dox: doxxing is an internet slang that means to publish personal information (of an individual) on the internet. You can find more about it here.

With no intend to disrespect or disregard one’s religious beliefs, you can say that stanning is like being part of a religion. The stans are the extremist people who practice that religion, while the fans are those who practice it from time to time (eg. like a Christian who goes to Church only on Christmas and Easter - me). 

In the end, stan culture is toxic to both the stans and celebrities. 

Is there a connection between stan culture and cancel culture?

They are both toxic internet cultures, this one is right for sure.

From what I’ve noticed during my short timed stay on twitter, a lot of cancelations are made by stans from the same community or different communities. 

I’m part of mcyt community, so I’ve seen a lot of Dream fans and Dream antis fighting over the past months, trying to cancel each other and harm each other. It’s mental seeing people actively trying to do these kind of things just because they love or hate a certain person. Of course that we can’t tie the situation to a certain content creator. 

I know that his also happens a lot in the kpop community where stans are in a constant fight to destroy the career of each other’s favourite idol group or bias (someone's most favorite member of an idol group). 

What is my take on stan culture?

I feel like I need to repeat myself: stans scare the s*** out of me. 

It’s like their sole purpose in life is to support someone and don’t have the basic sense of boundaries. A lot of problems arise with this: like shipping people who are uncomfortable being shipped with, intense sexualizing (sexualizing the minors is the worst from my point of view), creating drama and intentionally ignoring real world problems just to make their favourite person(s) trend, and the list is so long that I feel like I’d create a record on tumblr for the longest post if I go on. 

We are talking about some weird adaptation of Lord of the Flies where children raise each other on the internet. It’s like a cult and they are brainwashed into believing what everybody else thinks. And the worst part is that I don’t think we’ll ever get better from this, things are only going south to heaven. 

I might be wrong and biased, so I do expect someone to help me understand these topics better, but for now these are my firm opinions. 

I’d also like to clarify, once again, that in the religion example I’m not making fun of Christianity, I’m just using it as a means to help people better understand my point.

[not-delicious-milk]

unspoken

pairing | fushiguro megumi x itadori yuuji, kugisaki nobara x zenin maki

content | um i think this counts as slow burn maybe, idk instrospection? sort of fluffy and sort of angsty? just two emotionally constipated bois and one (1) really bad wingman. or maybe a great wingman. depends on how you look at it. i think this is funny.

word count | 3.2k

form | oneshot

originally posted | 30 December 2020

author's note | i really wanted to make a joke about sukuna having 2 dicks but unfortunately there was no opportunity to. also i did all that research about heian period courtship and what did it amount to? like 3 sentences

He met Fushiguro's eyes, and balked slightly at their intensity. They always seemed to bore right through him, as if his skin was glass and Fushiguro interested himself more in what lay underneath. Not that there's anything he cares about in there.

"You're not hurt, are you? I did push you kind of hard."

Yuuji shook his head quickly. "No, I'm fine." He tried to set his mouth in a neutral line, like Fushiguro so often did.

Fushiguro nodded curtly, and turned to leave, back to where Ijichi was waiting with the car. Yuuji's fingers twitched.

or

yuuji doesn't know how to talk to fushiguro. sukuna "helps."

Fushiguro sure looks nice today. 

Yuuji sighed and looked away. He really needed to focus on the mission. There was a grade 2 curse somewhere on the premises of this abandoned building, and if he kept staring at Fushiguro, he'd probably get— 

"Look out!" Yuuji was only briefly aware of the curse's presence before he was aware of concrete, a dull throbbing in his side as he realized Fushiguro just saved him — again — and was busy siccing his Divine Dog on the curse that appeared while he was distracted. 

This is embarrassing, he grumbled to himself. 

You've got that right.

Yuuji did his best to tune out Sukuna's voice as he got up and into battle position. Fushiguro seemed to have the situation under control, so he focused on cleaning up the lower-grade curses swarming around them. 

Something flickered at the edge of his perception. This time, he wouldn't be caught off guard — Yuuji launched himself at the curse on the other end of the room, intercepting it before it had the chance to so much as look at Fushiguro.

"I didn't need your help for that one," scoffed Fushiguro as his Divine Dog slunk back into his shadow. "Honestly, I could have done this alone. Don't know why you insisted on coming."

Yuuji bit back a retort. "I need the experience, right?"

He met Fushiguro's eyes, and balked slightly at their intensity. They always seemed to bore right through him, as if his skin was glass and Fushiguro interested himself more in what lay underneath. Not that there's anything he cares about in there. 

"You're not hurt, are you? I did push you kind of hard." 

Yuuji shook his head quickly. "No, I'm fine." He tried to set his mouth in a neutral line, like Fushiguro so often did. 

Fushiguro nodded curtly, and turned to leave, back to where Ijichi was waiting with the car. Yuuji's fingers twitched. 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Movie night was usually somewhat less stressful than fighting a curse. Usually. 

The film was something Yuuji was pretty sure Gojo-sensei had found at the very back of the clearance shelf. The DVD store probably paid him to take it off their hands. It wasn't even so bad it was good, it was just bad. 

Kugisaki had fallen asleep somewhere in the middle of the opening credits. At first, he'd been a little confused and concerned for her health — it was only 6 pm, after all — but sneaking a peek at her phone screen when it lit up intermittently afforded him all the clues he needed. Kugisaki had been texting Maki-senpai, probably for a while, and probably all night. 

Her phone screen lit up again — they were a few hours into the movie, and surely Maki realized she wasn't going to respond, right? Yuuji strained his eyes and recognized the thumbnail of what could only be described as a cursed image. Is that a floating banana? What the— 

Something stirred in his chest. Jealousy? Why? Because Maki and Kugisaki had only been texting for a couple of weeks, and they already shared inside jokes that made Kugisaki laugh like a hyena in the middle of the night? Because they never needed to ask, to confirm, before sharing something — a word, a bag of chips, a seat, a jacket? Because when Kugisaki looked at Maki, with that vulnerability in her eyes that she always disguised with harsh words and thinly veiled threats of violence, Maki looked back?

Yuuji couldn't stop himself from looking at the other person on the couch with him. Fushiguro looked like he was going to cry of boredom. Or punch someone. Or both. 

Should I switch the movie? I don't think he likes it. 

Well, Gojo-sensei picked it. He would probably be offended.

Yuuji looked around. His teacher was conspicuously absent. No way! He's the one who forced us all to watch this shit, and he just leaves before it's over?

"Hey, um…" The question was past his lips before he could stop himself. "Fushiguro, is there something you'd rather…" Yuuji already knew what his answer was going to be. There were plenty of things Fushiguro would rather be doing, let alone watching. Reading a book, for one. Alone. 

He received only a vague shrug in return. "Do whatever you want."

Yuuji found himself staring blankly at the floor. An oppressive silence blanketed the room, even with the vague sound effects and poorly dubbed dialogue coming from the TV. 

This is torture. Say something already.

I would if I could, okay? Unless you have any better ideas.

That managed to shut Sukuna up, at least for a moment. Good. All that was left was to sit through the last scenes of the movie and go back to his room and scream into his pillow. 

Yuuji could feel his forehead flushing and his eyes starting to burn. Oh, no no no no no. Why is this so awkward? At least Fushiguro can't see anything since all the lights are off. Or maybe he can see in the dark, like a vampire? Come to think of it, he is pretty pale… He's probably not saying anything to be polite. I bet he can see everything. I bet he's reading my mind right now with that stupid look of his. 

"I need to go to the bathroom," Yuuji said, a little louder and a little higher than he intended. Fushiguro only raised an eyebrow at him and went back to watching the screen.

As soon as he was out of the dorm common room, Yuuji sucked in a breath of air. 

"Coward."

This time, the cold voice he was so used to hearing came from the back of his hand. Yuuji didn't have anything to say in response. If he did, it would only be in agreement. How pathetic of him. 

"You're damn right that it's pathetic. It's a miracle you can even stand up straight, given your lack of a spine."

Yuuji was almost at the door to his bedroom. 

"I'll help you, just this once."

He froze. Since when did Sukuna help with anything?

"I don't believe you," he muttered.

An eye opened on his hand just to roll itself at him. "I'm the one who has to listen to your self-deprecating monologues, and I'm getting sick of it. Just tell him how you feel, brat." Sukuna's disembodied lips curled into a smirk. "If you don't, I will."

"No way!" Yuuji whisper-shouted. He practically sprinted into his room and, in the absence of a lock, pushed a chair behind his door to grant the illusion of privacy. But Sukuna wasn't done yet, and the next time he closed his eyes, Yuuji found himself ankle-deep in what he really hoped wasn't blood, and looked up a pile of ox skulls at the last person he wanted to hear romantic advice from. 

Sukuna absentmindedly picked at long, black nails. "Why don't you switch with me? I'll be sure not to embarrass myself, so don't worry about that."

"That's kind of creepy. Aren't you like, a thousand years old?" Yuuji wrinkled his nose. "Do you just want him all to yourself?"

Sukuna made a face. "Oh, that's disgusting." He made a retching sound, like a cat coughing up a hairball. "Imply that again and I'll kill you in your sleep."

Yuuji was, at the very least, thankful that the murderous curse sharing his body had standards.

"Now the image is burned into my brain. Look at what you've done, brat." Yuuji only recognized the sensation of being cut into pieces and immediately restored because of how many times his conversations with Sukuna had ended that way. Still, he stumbled a little at the sudden disorientation. 

"Hmm." Sukuna tapped his nails on a skull. "Brat, what have you been educated in?"

"Huh? Aren't you the one who complains about having to sit through my algebra classes? You already know what I'm educated in. Um," Yuuji furrowed his brow. "I took piano lessons when I was 8? Not that I was any good at it."

Sukuna sighed. "I don't care about your algebra or your piano lessons. I mean your courtly skills."

"Uh."

Yuuji heard the creaking of bone, and he was met with two pairs of blood-red eyes suddenly before him. 

"Calligraphy? Poetry?"

"No…?"

Sukuna leaned in closer. "So, nothing then? You know nothing?"

Yuuji pushed him away. "Um, you've seen my handwriting."

"Kids these days." Sukuna clicked his tongue. "How standards have fallen."

"You know, a lot of things have changed between now and when you were alive. For one, there's this new thing called personal space."

The curse ignored him. Yuuji blinked and saw the ceiling of his dorm room, back at home in his body. 

Do you at least have a brush, then?

No, weirdo. I have a pen, if that's good enough for you.

Tch.

Seriously, how are you this far behind? I thought you were starting to get this modern era stuff. 

I am trying to salvage the situation you've put me in, brat. How will you write a letter to him without putting care into your calligraphy?

Nobody said anything about a letter! 

This is how it was done in my time. You certainly don't have any better options.

"Fine, I'll Google it then," Yuuji mumbled. He opened his laptop, his fingers hovering over the keys. Slowly, he typed out "how to tell someone you like them."

The advice was all very vague. It was awkward enough to admit to himself that he liked Fushiguro in a way that went past friendship. It was worse that Sukuna's eye was wide open on his cheek and reading everything he did, reminding Yuuji somewhat of a teacher hovering behind him in the computer lab and reading over his shoulder. 

"It says you should give him a gift. I have an idea." Yuuji didn't want to hear Sukuna's idea. "You should give him the carcass of a beast you slew yourself." Yuuji didn't want to hear any more of Sukuna's ideas. 

"Sukuna, have you ever actually done this before? Because I don't think that would work, even if it was a thousand years ago."

"Why would I need to do such a thing?"

That was a little surprising. "Well, you sounded so confident, I thought you had experience or something."

"Love is a fruitless endeavor. The only thing that matters in this world is the spilling of blood upon the earth, and everything that comes between. But you're so annoying that I decided to stoop down to your level so I could help you. You should be grateful."

"Stoop down to my level? What, is this wounding your pride?"

"My pride isn't something so easily scarred. Hearing your constant chattering, all revolving around that Fushiguro boy, is much more painful than condescending to help you." 

"What's with the flowery language all of a sudden?"

"You really are uncultured."

"Well—" 

The sound of someone knocking at his door startled Yuuji out of his carefully constructed comeback, laced with a few choice words he'd learned from Kugisaki the last time she stubbed her toe. 

"Itadori? The movie's over." Oh fuck. "You left your phone on the couch." The doorknob rattled. 

"Uh, just a second!" Yuuji slammed his laptop shut and dragged the chair out of the way before opening the door.

Fushiguro blinked. "Itadori, were you watching po—"

"Nope! No, I wasn't," Yuuji said, fully aware that every word he spoke only cemented that conclusion in Fushiguro's mind. "I'm just going to take my phone now. See you tomorrow!" 

Yuuji grabbed his phone and made a move to close the door, but Fushiguro caught his wrist. His grip was firm and cool to the touch. 

"You've been acting strange lately. Did something happen?"

"I'm fine," Yuuji said automatically. His lips had probably memorized the shape of those words by now. 

"No, you aren't." Fushiguro's grip tightened a little, as if worried that Yuuji would try to snake out of it. I could try. I'm stronger than him.

"Itadori, look at me."

Shakily, Yuuji turned. Blue eyes met hazel. He felt naked somehow under the spotlight of Fushiguro's penetrating gaze. Oh god, that sounds so wrong. I don't want to think about that, not now.

"Is it something I said? Or did something else happen to you? I want to know." 

(It had nothing to do with anything Fushiguro said, and everything to do with what he didn't.)

Itadori. I need you.

"I said I'm fine."

"And I said you're not." Fushiguro sighed a little and closed his eyes. The flutter of his eyelashes was distracting. "I'm worried about you."

Fushiguro? Worried about him? 

"Why?" Yuuji knew it was a stupid question, but he was feeling pretty stupid at the moment. "Why would you do that?"

"Why—" Fushiguro's grip on Yuuji's wrist loosened in surprise. Yuuji twisted himself away, ready to cache himself in his room, but Fushiguro caught the sleeve of his hoodie instead. Worse, he stepped inside and uncomfortably close to Yuuji.

He could already feel his face turning red, and this time he couldn't rely on the cover of darkness. 

"You're seriously asking me why I worry about you?" Fushiguro's voice didn't sound quite as even as it usually did. Yuuji didn't let himself hope it was concern. "You died in front of me, Yuuji. I… I had nightmares about it for months. Of course I'm worried."

He didn't know if it was Fushiguro's sudden use of his first name, or the quiver that accompanied it, but Yuuji's blood froze. He couldn't move even if he wanted to. 

Fushiguro positioned himself in front of Yuuji, and placed a steadying hand on his shoulder. His sapphire-blue eyes, normally so cold and distant, glittered with repressed tears. Yuuji stared at his lips instead. They looked so soft. Fushiguro had been biting them again; they were slightly flushed and raw in some places. 

"Please." Fushiguro was barely whispering now, his words only meant for the two of them. "I don't…"

I don't want to lose you again.  

Yuuji opened his mouth to speak, but didn't know where to start. How could he claim insecurity now that Fushiguro had been so vulnerable with him? His anxieties suddenly seemed very small and pitiful in the face of the burden he'd saddled on his friends. It was his fault that Fushiguro was close to tears now, when he could face curses on his own without a flicker of fear. Dark, thick shame sat heavily in his throat, and all he could do was gasp for air. 

You should take off your shirt.

Indignation replaced guilt in one swift motion. I am not taking off my shirt. 

"Sorry, Fushiguro." The apology was too quick, too shallow. "I'm sorry. For… everything." The back of his throat stung. "I'm sorry for bothering you. Please, just…" Just go. Just leave me alone. 

Just leave me to die. 

"You don't have to worry about me."

It's only going to hurt you in the end.

"I'll be f—"

Fushiguro grabbed him by the back of the head, subtracting from the distance between their faces. "How many times are you going to say you're fine? Is it so hard to believe that I care about you?" 

Don't say it. 

"Is it so hard to consider that I—" Fushiguro's voice broke. A gentle flush crept across his neck as he seemed to realize how close their faces were. 

Yuuji's vision blurred around the edges. Time crawled to a standstill, and there was nothing but the slope of Fushiguro's lips, trembling with words unsaid. Yuuji could hear his heart beating in his ears. He wondered if Fushiguro could hear it too, and if he felt some small comfort in knowing that the heart he had seen torn from its body and discarded like offal had been restored, and that it could beat and bleed and break again. 

"Would you just kiss him already?" 

Yuuji would have liked to think Sukuna had kept that comment for his ears only, but the way Fushiguro reeled back and turned beet red confirmed otherwise. 

"Your purple prose is getting on my nerves. I think I preferred it when you couldn't string sentences together." The lips on his cheek curled. "Honestly, if you had just taken your shirt off like I said, this would have been over already. I should have done it for you."

"What do you have against shirts? Haven't you ruined enough of my hoodies?"

Fushiguro cleared his throat. "Um."

Yuuji's face burned. "Oh. Uh. Sorry about that."

"What is it with you and apologies? You don't have to be sorry for everything." But Fushiguro was laughing. His mask had cracked, or perhaps he removed it himself. 

Yuuji couldn't help but smile. "I'll stop being sorry when you stop acting like you don't need anyone."

Fushiguro's face darkened slightly, as if wrapped in a shadow. "Is that what it was? I—"

Yuuji punched him lightly in the arm before he could apologize. "You're so emotionally constipated." 

The tiniest of grins played on Fushiguro's lips. "So…" He leaned in closer. "What was that about kissing me?"

And this time Yuuji leaned into it, letting Fushiguro take everything he had. His eyelashes, still wet from almost crying, brushed against Yuuji's face as they breathed each other in. Yuuji found himself clinging to him like a lifeline, as if any moment he might slip away.

I'm not going to leave you behind.

He was laughing and crying at the same time. "I never thought you liked me back," Yuuji gasped when he broke away for air.

Fushiguro traced his thumb under Yuuji's eye. "You really are dense, you know that?" "So I've been told."

Is this what I was looking for?

Yuuji melted into him, kissing him like a drowning man gasps for air. How could he have deluded himself into thinking he was alone? How, when Fushiguro's body fit him like a puzzle piece, and they were embracing each other like they had never been separate? 

You're welcome. Brat.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

"You know, I thought you'd at least notice all the times I was staring at you," Fushiguro mumbled sleepily. Their rhythm had slowed and now Yuuji was small and limp in his arms, playing with a strand of his hair. 

"Nope. Not even once." A sea of drowsiness threatened to engulf Yuuji, but he stubbornly resisted, if only to stay with Fushiguro for a moment more. He suppressed a yawn. 

"Gojo caught me watching you train once. He tortured me about it for a week." Fushiguro chuckled softly. "Um, he takes a lot of pictures of you. If you ever find a really blurry photo of you sparring in my room, that's why."

"Mm-hmm." Who knew Fushiguro was so warm? 

"Hey."

Yuuji's gaze flickered up to Fushiguro's eyes. Oh, he thought. They're so open. I can see right through him. 

"I'm here. Okay?"

I'm not going anywhere.

"Okay."

Neither am I.

And there was nothing but Fushiguro's breathing, and the heaviness of sleep, and the weight of words unspoken between them. 

[sustraiii]

TEAM ZRCN ARC 3 - CHAPTER 14

Back with out heroes for this chapter, as Team ZRCN begins some extra training with the Mob Ops.

NEELA

“Um, what’s that doing here?” Xanthos asked as they stepped into the room. “I thought we were supposed to be training, not watching an educational video.”

Neela could see he was referring to the hastily prepared projector and screen that had been put up in the training room, a stark contrast to the sleek designs elsewhere in the base. As the two of them came closer to inspect the object and try and discern what it was doing there, Cherry walked in behind them.

“Alright, kids - class is in session,” She said with a smirk. “Take your seats.”

Still confused at the purpose of the projector, Neela and Xanthos hesitated for a moment, before finally sitting down in the two chairs that had been dragged in from the comms room. They waited in silence, waiting for Cherry to do or say something, but it was soon apparent she wasn’t fully prepared judging by how much she continued to mess around with the projector.

Beside her, Xanthos raised a hand.

“Yes, Mr Ravindra?” Cherry asked, looking up when she saw him waving his hand to get her attention.

“I thought we were supposed to be training today? You know throwing punches and - “

“I’m the teacher today, Mr Ravindra, so I’ll decide how we’ll do the training,” She cut him off, trying her best to retain a serious expression, which ultimately gave way to an amused grin. “Don’t worry you’ll get to hit things in due time.”

Not long after she said that Cherry appeared to get the projector working, and turned it on ready for the “lesson” she had prepared.

“So, as you two know, Wren decided that whilst you and your team are here with us, it’d be beneficial from you to get some additional training from us. Especially since your schooling has been interrupted with all this business with the Rossi’s,” Cherry explained. “What you don’t know is that we - we being myself and my fellow Mob Ops - have taken it upon ourselves to assign one of you to each of us for a more personal training experience.

“Now, I’ve prepared some slides to go over with you today that should help address some problem areas for each of you. Neela, let’s start with you.”

Neela blinked in surprise when Cherry pointed at her, before clicking the projector on. The first slide appeared on the screen and Neela recognised it as a still from the first robot attack in Mantle. It was the moment when she and Cordovan had combined their semblances to temporarily disable one of the robots. 

“That right there is a wonderful bit of teamwork,” Cherry commended. “The execution was practically flawless, but there wasn’t much room for error here, was there? Had the robot altered its course your attack would have failed and due to your semblances both requiring a degree of focus, it could have left you vulnerable had the robot decided to lash out again.”

Cherry paused to let this sink in before pressing on. “At any rate, it was not as problematic as the move you tried to pull off here.” She flicked to another slide, this time showing the moment where she had attempted to spear the robot that had been coming for Zelde.

“Was I wrong to do that?” Neela asked, perhaps a little more defensive than she intended to be. “I was trying to save Zelde.”

“There’s nothing wrong with that,” Cherry assured her, offering a small smile as she did. “In fact had it been any of my team, I would have likely done the same. Your problems lie in the fact that you were too emotional when you attacked.”

Neela frowned but said nothing. Had she been too emotional when she attacked? She didn’t think she had been, she had just wanted to protect Zelde. But perhaps she had been a bit too hasty to rush in and defend her. Had she given time to pause she might have been able to have defeated the robot with her following attack or be better prepared to counter its twisting motion that had felled Zelde and nearly taken out Xanthos too.

“So what do you propose I do? Not care for my teammates?”

“Of course not!” Cherry responded, raising her hands in defence. “Caring too little is just as bad as caring too much. It’s about finding a balance, Neela. Remember when you’re part of a team you’re not the only one counting on you out there.”

Neela nodded solemnly. She still didn’t believe herself to be that emotional, but she would not argue against Cherry’s teachings. Neela had seen how the older huntress had handled herself against the Karkadan and Krypterons, both by herself and with the rest of the Mob Ops, and was certain she had more than enough experience to back up her words of advice.

“I can’t wait to see what slides you have for me,” Xanthos quipped.

“Well actually, Mr Ravindra, I think a more physical example would benefit you.”

“What do you - ACK!”

Before Xanthos could even finish his sentence, a pair of arms wrapped around his midriff, and with a small grunt in effort, his assailant lifted him out of his chair and proceeded to fling Xanthos backwards like a rag doll. Neela might have found the move to impressive had she not been concerned for her partner’s safety. Rising from her seat, Neela whipped around to face Xanthos’s attacker, finding Elio stood behind them with his hands on his hips and his head thrown back in laughter.

“Is he supposed to be here?” Neela turned to ask Cherry. But it was apparent she was not to get an answer from her newly appointed mentor, for no sooner had she turned around, Cherry aimed a punch at her head, and Neela barely managed to move out of the way in time. “I’ll take that as a yes then.”

“Woo! Trial by fire!” Elio whooped.

Slowly rising back to his feet, Xanthos looked over questioningly at Cherry. “So am I not getting a slideshow?”

“No, sorry,” Cherry said, flashing him an apologetic grin. “That was only for Neela.”

“Darn. Now I feel left out.”

“Hey, enough with the chit chat, you’re cutting into my lesson,” Elio said, glaring at Cherry playfully who stuck out her tongue at him in return. Elio smirked before turning back to Xanthos and Neela. “Okay kids, we’re going to see how you handle a more physical exercise. You two are gonna team up against me and Cherry.”

Prompted by her name being said, Cherry came over to stand with her teammate and stood confidently waiting for the next move.

“Give us your best shot.” Elio encouraged.

Neela and Xanthos hesitated, sharing a look between each other. After Cherry’s little lesson, and Elio’s sudden attack on Xanthos, neither of them seemed in a hurry to engage their teachers. It was Xanthos who moved first, pointing out he had a tendency to fight without his weapon more than Neela did, so he should have in theory been able to handle himself well.

Xanthos came forward and aimed a punch in Elio's direction, which the older man merely deflected with his arm. Not to be deterred, Xanthos tried again, only to be met with the same resistance before Elio shoved him back. Nearly every strike Xanthos aimed at his opponent was either parried or dodged skillfully, though there were a few times when his more sudden movements forced Elio to back off and come at him from a different angle.

Sensing an opportunity, Neela hoped to jump into the fight, and use the fact that Elio was otherwise distracted by her partner to get the upper hand against him. A quick jab to his back caught him off guard long enough for Xanthos to roll out of the way. But now Elio's attention was on her.

One advantage Neela had over Xanthos was that she was faster, and it was that which she used to her advantage. If only for a minute, until Elio began to counter her too. And with how precise his movements were, Neela got the impression that his ability to parry their attacks was more down to his semblance as opposed to simply years of practice. Any remaining advantage she had further slipped away when Xanthos - rather than focusing on Cherry who had been inching closer - decided to join her in engaging Elio again. Any other person might have struggled against two opponents, but Elio handled it with ease, knocking Xanthos back with a sudden jolt of his body, before using the momentum to pick Neela up and throw her into Cherry's path.

Grunting in annoyance at being thrown, Neela didn't have a chance to get up by herself, before Cherry was upon her, forcing her up with a light tug.

"On your feet student, the lesson isn't over yet!"

"You know I don't remember the professors training us like this. Usually they tell us in advance before they try and kick our asses," Xanthos quipped from behind them.

"Well you're not at school right now, are you?" Elio pointed out.

"Besides do you think your enemies will go easy on you?" Cherry chimed in, before throwing a punch into Neela's right shoulder. 

"Always be aware of your surroundings and what your enemies are doing," Elio advised. "You never know when they might strike!" There was a yell of alarm from Xanthos when Elio suddenly lunged at him, forcing Xanthos into a grapple. Neela glared at the two of them and considered running to help, before Cherry dragged her back. Neela huffed in annoyance as she struggled to keep up with the flurry of hits Cherry unleashed on her. It was too late when she realised that every hit she was unable to parry from Cherry was hitting her harder and harder. When the last punch came, such was the strength behind it, that it genuinely winded her for a moment, and left her too weak to defend herself when Cherry lifted her up onto her shoulders and threw her directly at Xanthos.

The two of them collided with a smack, and Xanthos stumbled to the floor, with Neela splayed out on top of him. 

"Well, I think that's a wrap today," Elio said, clapping his hands together. He came closer and extended a hand for Neela to take. Understandably, after his previous ambush she was wary to accept him "Don't worry you're safe now."

Despite his assurances, she still hesitated a moment before finally accepting his hand and being heaved onto her feet. Elio then proceeded to do the same for Xanthos.

"You two did pretty good today," Elio commended. "It's good to know that you can handle yourself, even without the use of your weapons."

"You call that 'handling ourselves'?" Neela laughed. "You two ran circles around us - especially you."

"My semblance helps," Elio admitted, rubbing the back of his head absently. "It allows me to identify how someone thinks - or in Ravi's case, doesn't really think - in combat."

"Well, I'll try not to take that as an insult," Xanthos grinned.

"It's not an insult, bud," Elio assured him, giving him a light pat on the back before his expression shifted to a more serious one. "But you should heed my words in the future. You're not a bad fighter, if it's any consolation, but you lack control. When your attacks consistently fail, I noted that you lash out quickly in response, neglecting to take note of what your opponent is doing at the same time. Such as when you tried to tackle me at the same time Neela was."

"And mine boosts my strength when people around me are more emotional," Cherry explained, coming over to join the trio. "Which is why you're looking and sounding like you've ran a half marathon as opposed to a simple training exercise." She added whilst looking at Neela. "It's also why I encouraged you to keep your emotions in check earlier."

"That'd explain it," Neela said, rubbing her side to ease the pain beginning to settle there.

"I'd say our lesson is done for today," Cherry said. From out of her breast pocket she fished out a credit card, and handed it towards Xanthos. "Elio and I have some paperwork to catch up with, but why don't you two go out and treat yourself to something nice. Consider it something of a peace offering too for, you know, not telling you we were going to kick your asses."

"How generous," Xanthos said, before snatching up the card from Cherry's hand. Cherry and Elio said farewell after that, leaving the two of them alone for a moment. Neela waited until they were out of the room before sighing.

"That was rough," She commented, stretching out her arm.

"Yeah," Xanthos agreed with a nod. "I think I'll be feeling one of Elio's punches for a good few weeks, even though it didn't break my aura. And having you flung into me was certainly an experience."

"It wasn't something I was planning," Neela laughed. When her laughter subsided, she rested her hand on his shoulder and gave him a gentle squeeze. "Come on you, let's go get ourselves something to eat whilst we're still able to walk properly."

Giving a nod in agreement, Xanthos put his own arm around Neela's waist, before the two of them headed out together, tired from their training but keen to learn more in the coming days.

[adminjolene]

Trial Claim Form

I won’t pretend like I haven’t been eagerly awaiting these documents Miss Fabray and Miss Berry. I can’t think of a better way to start off the new term than by approving a trial claim between the two of you. It’s clear that you two have a deep connection and love for one another and I can’t wait to see what the two of you will do together.  The trial claim has been approved, and the papers will be officially turned in on Friday.

JO FABRAY AND DJ BERRY WILL IMMEDIATELY MOVE INTO TRIAL CLAIM DORM 203.

Name and Age of Dominant: Jo Fabray,  24

Name and Age of Submissive: Dalia-Joy Angela Berry, 24

Education Completed: Jo has completed one year at another institute, half a semester at Devereux Academy, and has a degree in hospitality management. DJ has completed one year at another institute, half a semester at Devereux Academy, and has a degree in business.

Length of Relationship: A year and a half.

Why would you like to enter into a trial claim?

Jo

I would like to enter a trial claim because it’s the natural evolution of our relationship.  From the moment that I met DJ, when she helped me through one of the most awful nights of my life, I’ve known that this is where we were headed.  Maybe not consciously, not at first, but the certainty has always been there deep down.  She is the perfect submissive for me, the perfect girlfriend, and I can’t imagine my life without her.  I have no loftier goal in my life than to see her wear my collar, and the very thought of it fills me with such joy that I can’t adequately describe it.  I would like to enter this trial claim to begin the next phase of our lives together and to provide DJ with the stability and constant attention and care that a claim can bring.  I would like it so that I can make myself a better Dominant by having her as my own, and to be sure that she is always provided with the very utmost of my love and care.

DJ

The biggest reason that I want to enter into a trial claim is because one of the things that I have been moving towards and aiming for over the past year and a while is the goal of being Jo’s submissive.  I love her more than I think I could explain and building a life and a family with her is what I want. For us to have a future together, the future that we have discussed and have been looking towards, this is the next logical step; a step that I think makes sense and one that I’m really excited about. I feel as though Miss Jo and I make a really great pair in a romantic sense and in a dominant/submissive partnership. While there are times that I do submit to other people, there is no one other than Jo that I would want to submit to for the rest of my life. We have worked together very hard to become people inside and outside of our D/s relationship that work very well together.

Do you feel you know your partner well enough on a personal level?

Jo

I absolutely do feel that I know Dalia on a personal level.  I’ve never at any point in our relationship intended to simply be her Dominant.  I have from the beginning endeavoured to be her friend, her girlfriend, and someday I would like to be her wife.  I can’t be any of those things, particularly the latter, without doing my utmost to learn everything that there is to know about her.  From long conversations over mediocre take out to evenings curled up in bed and talking, or the trip we recently took to New York to see some of the spots that made my girl who she is, I have learned as much as humanly possible about her.  Not everything, because I believe that it’s impossible to know everything about a person, but I firmly believe that I know more about her than most anyone barring her family.  The good, the bad, and the ugly, I believe I have learned as much as I possibly could.

DJ

I do believe that I know Miss Jo well enough on a personal level to enter into a trial claim with her. I know her favorite breakfast, her favorite body wash and shampoo, her favorite color. And while those may seem like superficial things, in my opinion, you can never know too much about the person that you love. And those little things that I learned early on paved the way for the deeper and more personal pieces of information. I know things that she’s scared of, I know some of the best memories that she has and I know the very worst. All of the little things and all of the big things that have made her who she is today, I have been honored to learn as she became comfortable and open enough to share them with me. I know what her goals for her career are, I know why they’re her goals. I know that she loves with her whole heart and carries so much on her shoulders and I just want to be there, every day, to help lighten that load.

Do you feel as though you have learned enough about you and your partners limits and expectations of the relationship as a whole?

Jo

I do.  One of the biggest failures of my time as DJ’s Domme was in regards to not being clear about our expectations of our relationship.  It caused one of the roughest patches of our time together, and was a stark lesson for me in what it meant to be a good Dominant and what it also meant to be a good girlfriend…and a bad one.  I took that lesson very completely to heart, and it’s informed everything that I do ever since.  In terms of limits we had a similar incident with a punishment in Ohio that hit much, much harder than it was meant to and in the process we discovered one of DJ’s most important limits: isolation.  And since we discovered it, I’ve treated it with the utmost respect, as I do all with all of her limits.  I believe that between all of the scenes we’ve shared and the discussions of limits and expectations that I’m on top of both.  Should her limits change, by addition or subtraction, her new limits will be my first priority to learn and respect.

DJ

I do believe that I know enough about Miss Jo’s limits. There are things that are very personal to her that have occurred in her life that have influenced certain areas that she’s uncomfortable. Some of those limits have to do with our relationship like a lack of communication being a limit, bathroom play being a limit, and dishonesty being a limit. But other limits have to do with experiences in her life that we are both working together on. As for her expectations of the relationship, I also feel as though I have learned enough. Not only have I learned about her expectations through scenes, discussions, and experiencing life together; I’ve also learned what she expects through the list of rules that have been created, the rules that have been tested, and also classes that she and I have taken that we have expressed an interest or disinterest in. All of these things together have worked to paint a picture of what she wants our relationship to be and it fits very well with what I want too.

Do you feel you both are well versed in what a claim will be outside of the trial period?

Jo

I assumed that this question is asking whether we’re aware of what a real world claim looks like beyond the trial period.  And the answer is a definitive yes.  We both grew up in homes with parents who believed in the system, with claims that stood the test of time, and speaking for myself I left home with a deep understanding both of the system and what it meant to be claimed.  I have seen the worst that a claim can be, the way it can be used against a person, and I’ve seen the best it can be.  I’m very aware of what a claim looks like outside of the trial setting, and I’m confident that not only will our claim be strong, it will thrive beyond the claim period and for the rest of our lives.

DJ

I would say yes, I am well versed in what a claim can be outside of the trial period. As Miss Jo mentioned, we were both raised with parents that followed the system, albeit in completely different manners, and I saw the beauty and love that can be shown through a claim that’s based on honesty and respect. Beyond that, Miss Jo and I have had many discussions about what we want our claim to look like and have even tested out rules that would work for the both of us and would help us to grow apart and together. We also understand that a claim outside of the trial period is an extreme commitment and one that we’re willing to make. It is not a choice that we take lightly, resulting in many conversations over the course of the time that we have known one another.

Do you believe you are comfortable enough with each other and the fundamental levels of BDSM as a whole?

Jo

I believe so.  I’ve been educated in the fundamentals of BDSM from multiple sources including my own family, my first finishing school, and Devereux.  I believe that between those three I am well versed in the foundations of BDSM and how it applies to a trial claim.  In terms of comfort with each other, there’s no one in the world that I could be more comfortable with.  We eat together, we sleep (when possible) together, we own a cat together.  She is the girl I think about when I lie down, and she’s the first thing that I want to see every morning.  DJ has seen me at my absolute dirt-worst lowest point, and I’m comfortable that should I hit another low I would still want her around.  She’s my person.  And I’m never going to be uncomfortable with her.

DJ

I do feel comfortable with Miss Jo as a whole and with the aspects of BDSM as well. Recently, Miss Jo and I decided to touch upon a soft limit of my own and it went extremely well thanks to the communication and trust that we have built with one another. There is no one else that I would feel comfortable enough to touch on something like that with and it is thanks to the relationship that we have created and worked towards throughout our relationship that has made that possible. We have come to really recognize what kinks we both enjoy together, which kinks perhaps we do more to please the other person, and also which kinks we would both prefer to avoid. The understanding of where the kinks fall on the scale have come through conversations and have changed across time and I imagine that will keep happening!

Lastly please provide the list of rules under which your claim will operate, including examples of punishments and rewards that may be used to reinforce them.

1. DJ will be expected to use a title with her Dominant at all times, unless granted permission otherwise.

2. DJ’s collar will be worn at all times unless explicit permission is granted to remove it by Jo or another Dominant.  That permission must be granted in advance.

3. Once a week, DJ will sit down with Jo to discuss her schedule.  Any changes or alterations must be approved in advance, and Jo expects to know where she is at any given time.

4. A schedule of chores and tasks will be agreed upon by both DJ and Jo, and Jo will expect adherence unless permission is granted to alter it.

5. DJ’s health and safety are of paramount importance.  Should she feel overwhelmed or unable to perform her duties at any point, she is expected to raise the issue with Jo at the earliest opportunity.

6. Any issues that may arise within the claim are to be addressed privately and respectfully between DJ and Jo, not with others.

7. At all times, and in all matters, DJ’s honesty with her Dominant is a fundamental rule of the claim.  Dishonesty will not be tolerated.

8. DJ will respect both her fellow students and the school’s faculty and administration.  She will be expected to use titles with Dominants and Switches at all times unless permission is granted otherwise.

Punishments:

1. Any violation of rules that have been made explicitly clear to DJ will result in a commensurate punishment.  These punishments are not open to negotiation but are subject to a safeword as necessary (see below).  Deferral around club or school responsibilities will be permitted as appropriate.

2. Should the Deans find it necessary to punish DJ, that punishment will be reinforced with an additional punishment from Jo.

Safeword:

1. DJ’s safeword is sacrosanct.  Should it not be respected by any Dominant or Switch, Jo included, that fact should be reported immediately to Jo to be dealt with as necessary.  Abuse of the safeword to get out of punishments or duties, however, will not be tolerated.

Sexual:

1. DJ’s orgasms are at Jo’s permission.  Should she be scening with another partner, that permission is temporarily transferred to them unless explicitly stated otherwise before the scene begins.

Chores:

DJ is responsible for creating grocery lists each week.

DJ will be expected to cook dinner at least three times a week.

DJ is expected to do the laundry weekly.

DJ is responsible for any and all needs of Onyx.

DJ is expected to help maintain the cleanliness of the suite, including a bi weekly deep clean of the suite.

DJ is expected to ensure that dishes are cleaned each night, unless given permission otherwise

Rewards:

-orgasms

-new clothes

-a trip off campus to do something DJ would want to do

-watching her favorite movie together

Punishments:

-orgasm denial

-washing clothes by hand

-caning

-sleeping at the foot of the bed

[calesmiththealchemist]

CaleSmith = Alchemist

I am called The Keeper by some...

Tonight I present to you a rare glimpse into the elite - whom to me are of as low an intellectual I’ve ever seen - and I can’t believe what they’ve done has worked so damn well. Anyway — this is ...

How they Lie to you

What I look to do with wisdom is share it in a non-demanding and tolerant way. I would never care about marketing myself or the topic, nor would I bombard anyone with secrets long since hidden from public view that could, if applied as prescribed, allow us to level up in ways far exceeding monetary gain...even if I possessed secrets that could demand such a price*, i would not proceed down that road of service to self and repeat the mistakes of the past 12,000+ years we are living in today. Further, I wouldn’t use the amazing gifts of knowledge Handed down to me in order to make noise at you or act as if I’m better because of it, and certainly not to make money – no, instead I’ll use it as intended —> to provide insights and useful information that help you to find your own truth as it did for me. All one can do for another is ask questions, give impulses and share their own experiences.

I don’t have answers for you, because I know that you have to find the answers yourself inside of you, nor do I claim that my way is the only right way. In lieu of this, I encourage you to find out for yourself what you resonate with, and what is the right way for you, but know that if I’m ever able to be of assistance, I’d take the time to answer your questions when you are struggling, but ultimately i will leave it up to you. I think one thing any teacher must ask themselves is, ‘Am I helping those with me into independence and not keeping them adequately guarded against co-dependence?’ This is of paramount importance because we will never find our answers externally. We carry them all inside of us.

Again as it bears repeating —> We will never find our answers externally. We carry them all inside of us.

There is no other truth than our own. And it changes, as we move forward and raise our frequency, and expand our consciousness. It simplifies more and more, until the questions just stop and are replaced by a deep inner knowing. So just be aware, despite the struggles, wobbles, and insecurities, to not fall into another loop of co-dependency.

Your story is like no other. You will have to walk your own path and have to find your own answers. Under any context - should you find yourself blindly following someone else, you are still acting from a place of fear, not from self-love. Once this changes permanently and you master self-love then it will be clear: The only person to follow is YOU.

Today we stand on the precipice to the Age of Aquarius —> Nothing like this has ever been witnessed before in the history of humankind. We have arrived at the most important intersection in world history; our choices will define the unfolding of our future. It is important that all people try to stay as positive and optimistic as possible; however, still too many switch on their Dancing Colored Box every night to become indoctrinated with lies from the MSM-fear mongers with their misleading images and carefully chosen constructs ...

To the uninitiated ~ I don’t say that statement in judgment or to instigate anyone with an opposing viewpoint, viz: There is no anger, no provocation, no judgment, no fears, no buttons you could push on me, because I do not resonate with these frequencies. I’m here to simply hold space for you upon your readiness, and will not be triggered by anything.

It MUST be emphasized that I do 100% intend for anyone who reads this to know that it is Stated like the undeniable and objective fact that it is ~ the Media lies🤥 and 90%+ of you are under various forms of mind control 😲, but don’t worry It’s not our fault and it doesn’t mean you’re a weakling that cowardice produces - let’s start with the fact we are all ignorant - and let’s remember what ignorant means - not this puzzling remix of the word that = an insult ... for ignorant carries strongly negative connotation and as with many words these days - I’m at a loss as to why - for all it means is uninformed. It means we have never been told or educated properly - how does that make you feel now? I suspected this may soften the sting a bit - so we should all be ok with escaping the failure label and instead we were simply failed. As our parents before us were, and as their parents before them.

Every single one of us below the elite were biogenetically engineered into this ignorance - so it’s nothing to be mad about or take offense to, we never had a chance! It’s the design of the system as a whole to churn out (figuratively speaking) deaf, dumb, and blind human beings ...

Until now — I don’t like time predictions but I’d feel insulated saying the longest one can stay in the main illusion is another 12-36 months — and that’s very optimistic for the ones still in the dream state. Anyway —> as the frequencies and collective consciousness rises every second of every day - the choice of ignorance will be taken from you... it’s a fact - it will happen - it’s simply when and not if. I offer this as merely information I’ve come across so do with it as you please —> you’d rather move with the internal alchemical changes and self care necessary using a cadence that aligns with the integration required by your powers of observation, will, reasoning, and ultimately—discernment.

If not now, when?

If not you, then who?

you either have static intelligence or fluid intelligence in this life from this NOW moment forward - which is it for you? Are you finished with all research required to fuel your belief system - or will you opt for an ever expansive approach to assimilate all information crossing your consciousness by examining the field for any newfound possibility or potential of life plus validating the X-Y-Z axis for every current belief ?!

To me, I understand that beliefs are, in a very real sense, the birthing chambers for our reality, so I want to ensure mine aren’t limiting, but At the same time they must be undeniably possible, although I’m unconcerned with what the Probability May be — as I think the whole idea of probability kills as much or more potentialities than the lack of belief ... it’s damn close I tell you ~ factoring anything but a certain probability in with a belief is, to me, the exact same thing as not believing.

There is no wrong answer - but I trust you know the one thing that can always be counted on via the universe is motion - it never rests and so my choice was easy - as above, so below and as within, so without. I mirror this great cosmic dance in order to nurture and maneuver with the outpouring/inpouring light that surrounds us all the time.

that I have no urge to convince anyone of - when you’ve plumbed the depths I have - it’s as much a certainty as gravity.

for it is a solo journey we must all take...and all will eventually. Nonetheless, once accepted, this offering of Knowledge being held for you patiently by our cosmic brethren will give you any answer you seek, but more importantly, you’ll gain a glimpse into our collective future where

the polarities are harmonized

the complexities are simplified

&

the paradoxes have their solution

which is why i present the recipe of how they lie:

A Fallacy is: "An unsound argument, or mode of arguing which, while appearing to be decisive of a question, is in reality not so; or a fallacious statement or proposition in which the error is not readily apparent." Sophistry is a Fallacy used to deceive others. Sophistry employed to deceive others regarding their moral obligations of rules of conduct is frequently called Casuistry.

Here follows a collection of the more common forms of Fallacy, with a brief description of the particular character of each, and an indication of the particular point of each in which the false-reasoning is hidden.

The Fallacy of "Begging the Question." This particular form of Fallacy consists of one assuming as a proven and accepted fact something which has not been proved, or which, at least, would not be accepted by the other person were it put squarely before him in the form of a plain question. The gist of this form of Fallacy may be said to be in "the unwarranted assumption of a premise, usually the major premise."

A writer gives as an example of this Fallacy through the following argument expressed as a syllogism: "Good institutions should be united; Church and State are good institutions; therefore, Church and State should be united." The above argument may seem quite reasonable and logical at first thought, but a more careful examination will disclose the fact that the Major Premise, viz., "Good institutions should be united," is a mere impudent assumption lacking proof, and not likely to be accepted if presented plainly and considered carefully. It "sounds good" when stated blandly and with conviction (principally because we accept the Minor Premise), but there is no logical warrant for the assumption that because institutions are "good'' they should be "united." Question the Major Premise, and the whole chain of reasoning is broken.

Many public men habitually violate the laws of sound reasoning in this way: they boldly assert a fallacious premise, and then proceed to reason or argue logically from it, the result being that their hearers are confused by the apparently logical nature of the whole argument and the soundness of the conclusion, overlooking the important fact that the basic premise itself is unwarranted and unsound.

Such argument and reasoning is rotten at the core. These men proceed on the principle attributed to Aaron Burr, that "Truth is that which is boldly asserted and plausibly maintained." They carry into practice the policy of one of Bulwer's characters, who said: "Whenever you are about to utter something astonishingly false, always begin with: 'It is an acknowledged fact, etc.,' or 'It is admitted by all,' or 'No thinking person denies.' " Bulwer also makes this character say: "Sir Robert Fulmer was a master of this manner of writing. Thus with a solemn face that great man attempted to cheat. He would say: 'It is a truth undeniable that there cannot be any multitude of men whatsoever, either great or small, but that in the same multitude there is one man among them that in nature hath a right to be King of all the rest—as being the next heir of Adam!' "

In all reasoning and argument, therefore, be sure to first be sure to establish the "reasonableness" of the premises, or basic facts. It is true that no reasoning or argument is possible unless we agree to assume as reasonable, or proved, a certain general or particular proposition; but we are always entitled to take the benefit of the doubt in such a case by challenging the reasonableness of the principle or premise seemingly fallaciously advanced to support the subsequent argument of chain of reasoning. Once admit, or allow to pass unchallenged, a fallacious premise, and you may be led by the nose into an intellectual quagmire or morass, where you will sink up to your neck, or perhaps over your head. A fallacious premise is like a rotten foundation of a building—that which is erected thereon may have been carefully built, and be of sound material, but nevertheless, the whole building is unsafe, dangerous, and not fit for habitation.

A writer has given us the following basic rules of sound reasoning and argument: "(1) Clearly define your terms, and insist upon your opponent doing likewise; (2) Establish the correctness, or reasonableness, of your premises, and insist upon the other side doing the same; (3) Then observe the laws of sound reasoning from premise to conclusion."

The reader will be surprised to discover how many popular ideas, beliefs, and general convictions are based upon arguments and reasoning which "beg the question" grossly in stating their Major Premise.

The Fallacy of Reasoning in a Circle. This form of Fallacy consists in assuming as proof of a proposition the very same proposition itself, stated however in another form ("same in substance, different in form"): For example, the following proposition: "This man is a rascal because he is a rogue; he is a rogue because he is a rascal." (There is here, of course, no proof here that the man is either a rascal or a rogue.) This may sound foolish, but many arguments are no sounder, and are based on the same general principles. Here is an "explanation" given under this fallacious principle: "We are able to see through glass, because it is transparent; we know that it is transparent, because we can see through it."

Here are more complex forms: "The Republican Party is the right party, because it advocates the right principles; the Republican principles are the right principles, because they are advocated by the right party." Or again: "The Church of England is the true Church, because it was established by God; it must have been established by God, because it is the true Church." Or, again "The prophet was inspired; we know that he was inspired because he, himself, so stated, and being inspired he must have spoken only the truth."

As a writer has said: "This particular form of Fallacy is most effective and dangerous when it is employed in long arguments, it being often quite difficult to detect its presence in long discourses in which the two statements of the same thing (in different form) are separated by other words and thoughts.''

Irrelevant Conclusion. This Fallacy consists in injecting into the Conclusion something not contained in the Premises. For example: "All men are sinners; John Smith is a man; therefore, John Smith is a horse thief." Many solemn statements made by public men, and others, are really quite as absurd as that just stated, though the absurdity is often lost sight of in the extended statement, and complicated presentation, aided by the solemn, positive air of authority assumed by the speaker. A more plausible form is as follows: "All thieves are liars; John Brown is a liar; therefore, John Brown is a thief." In this last, the statement ignores the fact that while "all thieves are liars," all liars are not necessarily thieves. Remember the old saying: "All biscuits are bread; but all bread is not biscuit."

False Cause. This fallacy consists in assuming a false relation of Cause and Effect between things merely occurring at the same time at the same place; a Coincidence is not necessarily a Cause. There follow typical examples: "The cock crows just before sunrise; therefore, the cock-crow causes the sun to rise." Or, "The Democratic administration was accompanied by bad crops; therefore, the Democratic Party in power is the cause of bad crops, and therefore should be kept out of power." Or, "Where civilization is highest, there we find the greatest number of high silk hats; therefore, high silk hats are the cause of high civilization." In the same way, a symptom or a consequence of a condition is often mistaken for the cause of the condition.

Burden of Proof. It is a favorite device of sophistical reasoners to attempt without due warrant to throw the Burden of Proof upon the opponent; particularly when this is employed to establish the truth of the sophist's contention, because the opponent is unable to "prove that it isn't true." The absurdity and fallacious nature of this is more clearly perceived when the proposition is illustrated by a ridiculous example, as for instance: "The moon is made of green cheese; this must be admitted by you to be true, because you cannot prove the contrary." The answer to such a fallacious argument is, of course, the statement that the Burden of Proof rests upon the person making the statement, not on his opponent; and that Proof does not consist in the mere absence of disproof, but rather in the positive evidence advanced to support the proposition advanced. In this connection one recalls the old story about the lawyer in court who produced three men who swore that he saw John Doe strike Richard Roe; whereupon the other side offered to produce a hundred men to swear that they didn't see him do it—this sounded well until it was shown that none of the hundred men were present on the scene of the fight at all.

Abuse of Opponent. It is no argument, or true reasoning, to abuse the opponent, or the general character of those holding contrary opinions. This is a direct evolution of the ancient argument of beating the opponent over the head with a club, and then claiming a logical victory. Likewise it is not a sound argument, nor logical reasoning, to appeal from the principle under consideration to the personal practices of the person advocating the practice. For instance, a man arguing the advantages of Temperance may be very intemperate himself; but to point to his intemperate habits is no proof or argument that the principle of Temperance is incorrect. Many a man fails to live up to the principles he teaches to be correct. It may be logically argued, in the above case, that belief in Temperance does not always cause a man to be temperate; but there is no proof here that the practice of Temperance is not advisable—in fact, the man's habits may even be urged as an argument in favor of Temperance, rather than against it. The Fallacy is readily detected when one considers that the man may change his habits so as to square with his belief; and in such case it cannot be held that a change in the man's habits changes the principle from untruth into truth. A proposition is either true or untrue, regardless of the personal character of the persons advocating or presenting it.

Prejudice. Prejudice is "an unreasonable predilection for, or objection to, anything; especially, an opinion or leaning adverse to anything, without just grounds, or before sufficient knowledge." Prejudice arises from Feeling, not from Reason. Take away from Prejudice the Feeling element therein, and there is little left to it. When we form judgments from Feeling, we frequently perpetrate Fallacy. And, yet, the average person performs the greater part of his decisions, and makes the greatest number of his judgments, in this way—he is ruled by Prejudice rather than by Reason.

A writer says: "Many persons reason from their feelings rather than from their intellect. They seek and advance not true reasons, but excuses. They seek to prove a thing to be true, simply because they want it to be true. The tendency is to see only those facts which agree with our likes, or are in line with our prejudices; and to ignore the other set of facts. Such persons unconsciously assume the mental attitude which may be expressed as follows: 'If the facts do not agree with my pet theories or prejudices, so much the worse for the facts.' "

Another writer says: "Nine times out of ten, to argue with any man on a subject that engages his emotions is to waste breath. His mind is not open to logical persuasion. His emotions first determines his opinion and then prompt his logical faculties to devise plausible excuses for it. There is a thing that psychologists call a 'complex.' It consists of an idea charged with emotion, and it operates as a sort of colored screen in front of the mind. A man whose emotions are deeply engaged on one side of a question may think that he is reasoning about it. But, in fact, he may be incapable of reasoning about it, because whatever impressions his mind receives in that connection come through his complex and take no color. His logical faculties operate only by way of inventing plausible defenses for the judgment his emotions have already formed. It is impossible to change his position in any respect by reasoning, because reason cannot touch his mind until his emotions have dealt with it and made it conform to their color. Whenever you talk to a person with a strong bias on any particular subject, which bias does not coincide with your own bias, talk to him about something else.

Illogical Deduction. There are a number of phases of Fallacy arising from the violation of the technical rules of the Syllogism, which violation results in deduction opposed to the principles of logic. These points are too technical to be considered in detail here, and the reader who wishes to pursue the subject further is referred to some elementary text-book on the subject of Logic

Adonai

[frostkingoftheapocalypse]

kissofmistletoe‌: @kissofmistletoe​

Dark eyes watched the procession of his people filter away, hesitate heels moving across the blood-stained floor. Their reservations still lay thick in the air, subtly spoken words to linger in the shadows, and those left unspoken, far heavier in weight, as if to try to seed doubt in the Sooth-Sayer’s mind. They would find the ground harsh for that particular root to spread, however, as eventually the farmers of discord would learn. Ancient beliefs in systems archaic and obsolete had no place in worlds left scarred beyond any previous recognition.

It was thought for another time, another place. This was not a moment to dwell upon future actions, but consider past ones, dealt out by a hand now so known and cherished. The fingers that had once carried a torch into the darkened world had left their prints within the newly crowned’s mind, a thing to be feared, wished, adored, praised. So two had both of them come, time transforming them to this moment, far from where they had first met.

Irony, perhaps, that Baldr sat adorned once more in chains. Nestled within black locks, they snaked between precious jewels, now so willingly worn. Fragile in the softness of metal, as if a toy to give to a spoilt babe, their tenderness was a far cry from the iron that had constricted against a skeletal ankle. Perhaps that strength, shattered in a single blow from a giant, had slowly seeped into the god’s bones. To look upon the golden body now, it was unimaginable the state it had been found in, living despite the universe’s best tries for otherwise.

But had someone told that child, watching a world through a film of tears as the light disappeared for the final time, that he would sit upon a throne as leader for the cosmos that wished his demise, even the Truth-Seer would have not believed.

Silence fell, and was thankfully broken by the one who could seem to easily remove the weight of office, yet perhaps could not yet free himself from the feel of it. Muscles set in rigid formation, as a king would expect from any lord, Loki looked every inch of a subject in perfect respect of his master. A mask they both wore, with practised perfection, even with no on-lookers to see. It perhaps was a situation that demanded such a facade, for a time, as kings discussed matters of history and state.

Baldr listened, with no need to doubt the words spoken. Never had his lover lied to him with outright intent, but to conceal one half when needed. When necessary. It was a mark of deference that the stag had never challenged the decision, even when fury held every inch of his mind in control. He had accepted what was given and pried no further, in knowing the time would come when the light would reveal all. This time.

“It was this much I had gathered as I grew to know more about… everything. About the worlds and their runnings, about our people and about you,” replied the god-king after a moment, voice as equally reserved as his lover’s had been.

Before, when the mere concept of others had been a new found idea, such attitude would have sparked that beast they lay in angry dormant inside. Unable to understand the little-given emotion behind the Jötunns’ words, the unformed mind jumped to extreme conclusions, certain in their deduction that all were arrogantly entertained by a being they thought of as dim. Cats that would watched with smug superiority as their wounded prey desperately attempted to flee.

Between speech, silence was not able to reign. Already had habits of generations settled in, a thoughtless action to occupy the body while the intellect pondered. Another minute grain of stone to be whittled away, a mark left upon the world. The first of many, perhaps.

“I admit, it intrigued me that you did not go down that route.” The softest shrug, setting a gentle orchestra of ornaments to sound. “If you wish to hear rumours, I would advise a few weeks staying in the palace cells, for the guards kill many an hour contemplating the realm’s potential. There were more than a few who wagered my reason for being brought to Jötunheimer was to become some war beast like Mountainbreaker. It became apparent, eventually, that one would  not need to teach a warrior how to read or write, if all they intended for that person to do was kill.”

A slip of the mask, humour unable to be disguised in the manner so innate to those cobalt giants. Baldr could no more hide his nature than he could let loose a lie. It was a gift Loki so easily wielded in these private moments, and a demeanour that baffled the newly-formed councils. It passed momentarily, however, the spark of amusement dying down as a question passed into the stag’s mind.

“While, of course, I am still ever in your gratitude for your actions, and ever more so knowing they were done in a kinder intention than previously believed, I am still curious… Asgard was never your enemy, but it was and still is to many on this realm. There is still hatred towards my birth race, albeit far more tempered thanks to your diplomacy on the matter. You mentioned once, in the cells when I believed I had destroyed all chances of being released on your good will, that some had died over the discussion of me on this world. I raise the same question to you again.

Why bring me here in the first place? Later on, perhaps, I could have understand. When I had more understanding and strength, enough to know of the fine line my existence caused to your people, but straightaway? While I know now, should I ever be in the situation you found yourself in, I could not turn my back to one who needed help, as king I do not think I would risk bringing so fragile a person into a world already so fraught.”

The memories of that time seemed more than hazy, edges of images far more than blurred to nigh-on indistinguishable. Those first moments of viewing the world completely, the vastness shown to one who had never known, seemed dulled now, worn down by the expanse of deeds done after, but enough remained. Terror so pure was hard to shake, and awe so great were the few things that lingered on, even now.

“To be subject to so many new things then, any emotion conjured by each revelation was quickly replaced by another, until I was able to know enough to know myself. A baptism of fire, almost, in living. Mayhaps because I was the one to be made to walk through it, but I could not make another follow in those same steps. Did you question how I might react, in those first days of our meeting? Or had your intentions moved to a more political stance?”

It disturbed the elder more than he anticipated to be berated by accusations he had not considered before. For as long as memories were clear and tangible things, he had felt conditioned to pre-brace; to play strategy five steps ahead, ensconced in the shield of detachment and well developed compartmentalisation - and with a rather fair, final deterrent of, do not fuck with mineself, I am your King.

Yet Loki’s heavily scarred bulk was not such a shield on its own. It was Baldr who had the high ground here. His King could not have scraped nails down the chalkboard of his insides better if he had done so on purpose. Loki’s scent smelt rotten to his own awareness, shameful even, the emotions rising from his body, papercuts of salt and iron in his throat.

“You know the answers to those questions.” after a few ripe breaths that scarcely rose his broad chest, reassured somewhat that his bass issued with a level of composure he did not feel ---it was not Jötunar, the language, that had been spoken by him just now, and Loki watched as beloved took attention to his uncertain stare.

The space between them alters at the sound. Like an intimate touch. From the taller’s lips, coming their private lexicon. The pair’s Allspeak had assimilated it in recent years, of shared joy, and curious greed, pouring over battered tomes their own linguistic discovery; curated themselves, collected themselves, sung themselves, and kept alive as a dialect off a realm now lost forever. 

It punctuated Loki’s reply now with a wry click, as close to an unhappy tsk as his public behaviour was capable of.

Baldr did not yet understand the ability of prying ears here in the throne room - which was not the As’ fault. It was a gap in his education. To have Loki reliquishing the throne was new to them both, and the nuances that went on across Jotunheimr was a to-do list which was far too long to wait to learn by heart, before crowning the rightful monarch of the Nine. Baldr’s time to be King was now. 

Adornments clinked together, painting the air in glass tones as the elder clasped a wrist to hand behind his back. Formality and politeness were quickly transforming what had been vulnerable. At a glance they were alone. But Loki knew a reprimand here was oh so public, and his skin crawled,

“I may give the illusion of grandeur, but I am not complex.” a million tangents of thought aside, the gnarled V of Loki’s brow was automatic, unsettled, “Do not think mineself evasive to these questions, sváss, they are yours to ask, I hear them willingly, gladly. But if ‘tis mine grand game strategy you wish to discuss, we must go elsewhere. Private.”

[gianinnaczareena]

How 24-year old Ninai came to realize who she is, and what she’s meant for.

I feel that some of you may want to know who is behind this “blog”, and I figured that the best way everyone can get to know me is by reading this personal essay I submitted for my Feminist Theories and Movements class in UP Diliman under the College of Social Work and Community Development--Women and Development Program.

Here goes:

My journey to self-discovery is rooted to feminism. 

 Way back when the word wasn’t even making headlines. Back when I didn’t even know there was a word for what I was becoming.

It started out with two important questions: 1) Will people never stop dictating what I can or cannot do for myself? and 2) Will decisions be made for me when I can make it myself?

Growing up, I used to think that freedom is a reward given to you when you: listen, behave, cooperate, and follow—which is ironic given that, well, it should be free. I grew up in a very patriarchal environment (both household and society), although before we didn’t know what patriarchy was or that it even actually existed. What I grew up knowing was already considered normal and natural. Patriarchy was “the way, the truth, and the life.” Pun intended.

I cannot exactly pinpoint when and where patriarchy began in our household. I was young and naive, all I did was behave, play by the rules, and follow the values being passed onto me without a second thought and without asking questions. Because then, asking questions meant you’re being disrespectful. But if anything, I think it started when my father told my mother, right when they got married, that she “need not find work” and to “just raise the kids” because he will “provide for the family”. If I were a damsel in distress I would probably sigh and swoon when a man tells me that I need not worry about anything because he will provide for me, but I am not a damsel in distress.

Let it be known that I do not blame my mother for saying yes and my father for offering her a “way out”. She got married right after college. She was only 21. My father was 26. They were simply a traditional Filipino family (husband = breadwinner; wife = housewife).

Cesar, my father, had nothing growing up. He was a farmer’s boy. He believed in education and fought hell and high water to attain it. And with hard work and determination, he earned his doctoral degree. He wanted to be better—to be able to provide when his parents could not. He did not want us to go through what he went through. That is why I know he meant well when he dictated himself as the provider of the household and Genevieve, my mother, the ultimate carer.

But the dictation did not end there. I have three male siblings which makes me the sole daughter of the Sumalde-Chavez household. And being the only daughter of a patriarchal household has never been an easy thing. Rules come off as either protective or downright oppressive. And in this case, it’s mostly the latter. And when household rules are strengthened and solidified by society’s standard of what is right or wrong, what is acceptable or unacceptable—to challenge it means you’re at the losing end.

When I was younger, my parents—Cesar, especially—have dictated what I can or cannot do. (Again, I know they meant well. I don’t hold anything against them.) I remember my father did not approve of my all too-short hairstyle (borderline boy cut) that Mom had imposed on me when I was very young--but in all honesty, I didn’t mind. And I, being a firm believer of comfort before style, do not cut my hair as a symbol of my sexuality—but a symbol of preference in comfort. He would also rarely let me leave the house for fear of my safety, but he would let my Kuya wander off late at night until 3 in the morning (to be fair, this was when he was still “young” now he really just stays at home or at work). We were only two years apart.

Other than that, I would be scolded for every time I do not “sit like a lady”. And I don’t, because what does “sit like a lady” even mean? Why am I not allowed to sit with my legs apart, to take up space, when all the men in my family would open their legs just as much and just as wide? How are my legs different from theirs? Even with the clothes I wear, sometimes there were rules laid out for me: no shorts, no sleeveless (unless I wear a sarong or a jacket), no spaghetti straps, no this, no that. They didn’t have to say it, but  I knew it was because they were afraid that I might become too “inappropriate” or be disrespected for wearing less.

More than the physical, there are things that I am not allowed to do like talking back or having an opinion. I guess it’s usual for kids to talk back to their parents—both female and male—during an argument but how come girls are heavily punished compared to boys when they do? Why are boys even expected to talk back and girls are expected to shut up and be quiet? Even apologize?

So, growing up stricken with all these “rules” I did what any perfect daughter would do: behave. I didn’t stay out late. I didn’t drink. I didn’t do drugs. I didn’t party. I didn’t “hang out with the wrong people”. And when I did do any of those things, it was rare and guilt would often follow me. (Except for the drugs part. I never did that.) All these for fear of not just disappointing my family but as well as society who is expecting a lot from women like me. In fact, all I did was go to school in the morning, train at night (as student athlete and leader) then go straight home. I played the part up until college was over.

As I said at the beginning of this personal essay, I thought freedom was a reward given to you when you: listen, behave, cooperate, and follow the rules. I did all those and still, the dictation never really stopped, at least not with society. My traditional, conservative parents are gradually becoming progressive as I grew older: lax and open-minded, accepting and trusting. They were slowly realizing that I am becoming a woman of strength and direction (I realized that communication is all we needed). But, overall, the rules (now controlled and imposed by society) are still there: “you’re not allowed to go home late because you’re a girl”; “you're not allowed to drink because you can’t keep up with the boys”; “if you cut your hair short again people might think you’re a tomboy”; and “don’t wear shorts when you go out strangers might disrespect you”.

I realized then, when I finally had enough of these limitations, no matter how insignificant or unimportant they may seem, that the rules that were being imposed on me were made so that the people around me will accept and respect me as a human being. 

And if I “misbehave” I became alienated. 

Disowned. These rules are making me adjust to people and situations, I am basically being unconsciously asked to behave a certain way for people and not the other way around: “don’t cut your hair people will think you're a tomboy”, “don’t wear clothes that are too short or revealing someone might rape you”, “don’t talk too much people will think you’re opinionated” and “if you cry people will think you’re weak”. All of these have led me to a conclusion: freedom is only an illusion when you’re oppressed.

My personal conquest to attaining my so-called freedom made me realize that my problem wasn’t just mine alone. 

It was a problem that majority of the women share together. Young and old. That was when I was slowly becoming aware of myself and my surroundings. I now see, with my own eyes and my own understanding, how unjust and unfair women are being treated at home, at school, at work, and most especially, at the streets. From the length of our hair, the size of our skirts, and the height of our heels, rules are being dictated. Rules that came mostly from the white and the male. It created a culture: a culture where women are less than men. Insignificant and irrational. Subordinate and weak. A second sex.

I understood what I wanted to do. I wanted to fight back. My aim wasn’t to make women better than men but be equal with them. I want the women, the marginalized, and the oppressed, to have the same amount of rights—without the double standards. 

I want women to be recognized equally, to be credited where credit is due, to be seen, and heard. I want our voice to be just as loud as men—important and valid, respected and powerful. I want the decisions made for women are made by women. I want them free from harmful limitations. 

It is a bold and ambitious dream—but a goal nonetheless.

Hence, why I decided to take a Women and Development course/subject. If I wanted to make a change, no matter how small, I had to be educated first. This, I am sure of. And I come in this course admitting that there are things I still do not know about feminism or things I am still unsure of, and I believe that WD 210: Feminist Theories and Movements is the right choice for what I wanted to do.

I want to learn what feminism was before it was even “invented”. I want to learn how feminism became from demanding equal rights to fighting for human rights. I want to know the extent of the influence of the #MeToo movement to our country and how it can raise social awareness most especially to victims of sexual assault in male-dominated industries. I want to challenge the local media representation of women: that women are more than just their bodies—the breast, the curves, the legs, and the nudity—that women’s bodies should not be an instrument and medium of salacious content. I want to challenge the ad industry for misrepresenting period blood because women don’t bleed blue. We bleed red. I want women to walk the streets in daylight and at night time without having to fear for their safety. I want more women leaders in government that can accurately provide solutions for women’s needs. I want to help erase the negative connotation the word “feminism” has: that feminism does not equal to man-hating. That it is not anti-men.  

And above all else, I want to understand the different meanings of feminism and how it differs based on sex, class, race, nationality, and demography. That women of color don’t exactly share the same meaning of feminism to white women. These are the things I want to learn if I want to make a change.

Because to me, feminism means that the women, the marginalized, and the oppressed are allowed to do whatever they want for themselves without having to worry how people would react. I want them to be provided the same amount of privilege and credibility that the white and the male have.

Women have been suffering for centuries and we didn’t even know it.

We stood, we watched, we followed because we thought it was right and normal. For too long, we have endured the pain of being silenced, controlled, dictated, and overpowered. Everyday, more and more women are opening their eyes to the Truth, and the possibility of a future where they can share the same spotlight with men. The fight for our voice to be heard is far from over but with an idea, with an initiative, and with the willingness to learn, to grow, to share and educate we can have a better a better country—a better world—where sex of a human being will not dictate a man or woman’s worth.

Feminism started out as a thought; an idea. Today, we will end it as a result.

[trailwithdale]

Long Trail for Liberty

Hi all, 

This September I will be attempting to hike the Long Trail in less than 10 days with the goal of raising awareness of the systemic and morally reprehensible treatment of immigrants and asylum seekers at our southern border. Below you can find a collection of podcasts, videos, and links to be better informed about some of the many reasons why what the US is doing is unacceptable. I also encourage people to support RAICES, a nonprofit organization that provides legal and social services to immigrants and refugees—even small donations can help.

Why am I doing this?

I have spent the last nine months traveling and hiking in different parts of the world. I was fairly well versed on this issue before I left but like most issues, this felt far too large and far away. I continued to educate myself while I was traveling abroad. It got to the point where I felt I needed to do something. I realize that having the free time to read and listen to lots of different sources was crucial in bringing me to a call of action. I imagine that many others would be willing to do the same if they had that luxury. My hope is that bringing this issue closer to home, as well as collecting and sharing some information, will help bridge that gap and motivate others to action. 

What’s the Long Trail? Why is this a challenge? 

The Long Trail (or LT) is North America’s oldest long distance hiking trail and it spans Vermont's Green Mountains over 271 miles of rugged terrain ending at the Canadian border. By long distance hiker standards, averaging a minimum of  27 miles a day can seem unremarkable. It's quite common for hikers to be able to do 30+ mile days on the Pacific Crest Trail. In comparison, the LT isn't a groomed horse trail. It is rocky, muddy and you're almost constantly going up or down something rather steep. The fastest known time on the Long Trail is 4 days 12 hours and to quote the holder, "the LT simply destroys the body at those speeds". I won’t be going nearly that fast but I also won’t have nearly as much support as record setters do. Nor am I an ultra marathoner so I anticipate that 10 days will be an appropriate challenge. 

Be someone's trail angel.

Often times long distance hiking trails will come across locals or “trail angels” that support hikers with “trail magic” (rides into town, water, yummy treats or just something to make their day brighter). On my hike to the northern border I won’t need any trail magic but you can get involved in my hike by being a trail angel for someone truly in need—someone that had to do a hike that was truly challenging and brave. Immigration court is considered civil court which means the government doesn’t provide those seeking asylum any type of legal representation. Which is why organizations like RAICES are so important.     

Not able to give a donation but still want to help? 

Share this link 

 Register to vote

 Look up ALL local, state and national elections and put them in your calendar.

Call the offices of your two Senators and your House Representatives. Let them know that you are concerned with the number of migrant deaths, the number of sexual assault allegations and your tax dollars being used to fund a system that is bad for migrants and bad for America.

Call your attorney general if your state isn’t one of the 19 suing over indefinite detention. Or call to thank your state officials if, like Vermont, you are suing the federal government. 

If you're not following closely with everything that has happened at our southern border, read some of the articles below to educate yourself. It is the best way to be well-informed and advocate for those that need your help when you encounter people who are unconvinced that the US immigration system is causing undue harm to innocent individuals and is an excessive burden on taxpayers.

Need more info about the immigration crisis? Here are some good segments done by professionals:

Revisionist History: General Chapman’s Last Stand (podcast) - A great piece that helps to show how we got to the policy decisions we have today and how if we had done nothing in the early 70’s, illegal immigration would be about 66% lower. 

Border Patrol: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (video) - Summarizes the consequences of trying to drastically increase the number of border patrol agencies. 

Immigration Court: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (video) - Summarizes the immigration court system and the consequences of deporting legitimate asylum cases. 

Family Separation: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (video) - Summarizes how and why family separation happened. I wanted to specifically note the part of the segment that outlines conservative immigration arguments (11:30-13:24).

Here are some articles outlining some of the current and past issues. To be clear, many of these issues existed before our current administration but things have gotten far worse now:

A summary of the zero tolerance policy timeline and impact.

A 600% increase in detainees from April '18 to April '19 has lead to neglected medical attention for detainees, an increase in disease outbreak, unacceptably cramped conditions, insufficient amounts of basic supplies and the US taxpayers are paying more for these atrocious conditions.   

Trump administration policy ignores international and US refugee law. 

Why detention centers ARE concentration camps by definition.

US Citizens are being detained without phone calls, medical treatment or even basic hygiene. 

Reports of physical and sexual assault in Dept of Homeland security organizations. 

Detainees lack protection from sexual assault laws only intended to protect prisoners. 

Thousands of children make claims of sexual assault while in US custody. 

Suicide rates continue to rise in Customs and Border Patrol.

Hateful rhetoric increasing hate crimes and culture shifts within ICE.

[the-nysh]

Whats your opinon of kiri//baku and todo//deku?

!!!!! 👀 Oooh, *takes deep breath* so I’ve finally been askedthe big question. (Thank you for courteously using the /s to block the ship names out of the tags) Because I DO have opinionsabout them. I’ve mostly kept them to myself, but since I’ve been prompted, Iwill try to be as honest and thorough as I can. :’)

Disclaimer: If you high-key shipeither of the two, please proceed with caution! 

To preface:

If it wasn’t already obvious from the content I reblog (and rave about in thetags), my decisive fav character of the series is Kacchan, and similarly, my otp of the series is with him and Deku(as bakudeku, aka bkdk for short – which is how it’scommonly called on twitter). So going in, that’s my given stance already.

But it wasn’t always this way! :O When I first started theseries I went in pretty cautious, wary, and undecided; I actually never plannedto fall so hard for either the character or the ship (and I rarely ship things tobegin with). That is, until Hori repeatedly bludgeoned me in the face and heartwith all the reoccurring and carefully consistent character development, to thepoint ch120 became the final, decisive nail in the coffin - the point of noreturn for me. :’3 So now, I’m fully invested in seeing how their story pulls through to the end, nomatter what it might become (it doesn’t even need to be shippy). With them thematically established as two sidesof the same coin – on opposite ends of the same spectrum of heroism – the twohalves of All Might who both win and rescue:I want to see how they push each other towards greatness and mature into a pairof the best heroes. It’s a long-term investment of hope and a case of slowburn positive development, in direct (and on purpose!) contrast to its rockyand strained foundations (they ARE immature and emotionally constipated teensafter all), but it’s all been carefully laid out through a steady path ofnarrative foreshadowing. Where the prospects at the end of that path – of mutualsupport, understanding, reconciliation, cooperation, teamwork, trust – arebeautiful and rewarding things that make their ongoing journey of growth worthit. So…for Hori to smash any original expectations I might have had, and makeme fall hard for something I never intended to happen, are examples of whatI consider GOOD writing.

After I realized this, I went and did my research. Which inmy case, is reading up on countless character/relationship meta and fanfics togauge how the fandom sees their potential too. So I am very aware of the multiple sides of existing arguments and the dramathat’s already happened in the fandom (from across both tumblr and twitter). Iknow the western fandom considerably favors kr/bk and td/dk (at least for now), BUT in the eastern fandom,it’s actually bkdk that’s more popular. Hmm, curious why that is?

One of the reasons is partly thanks to the widespread availabilityof fan mistranslations (FA group) that have greatly exaggerated certain characterizations(ie Kacchan), leading to fandom fearmongering and the perpetuation of stigmasagainst the canon development of certain relationships (ie bkdk), which in theoriginal text, were never nearly thatflanderized or as offensive in context to begin with. Include also, adifference in cultural expectations/values, and we get a prickly concoction ofmisunderstandings ready to brew. It’s a poor and unfortunate case of important subtleties/complexitiesgetting lost in translation, while the bad things are blown way out ofproportion, to the point the story’s original intent is sidelined, or worse, canonis deliberately obstructed by translators who already dislike seeing suchcontent (because it’s ‘not their ship’) – so they prevent and hurt othersfrom fully enjoying the progression of the series as the author intended. Peoplecan like what they like (that’s perfectly fine), but in all of my lurking, Ihave SEEN examples of these things (andworse) actively happen, and quite frankly, the spread of this blatant toxicityand compulsive collective ignorance sickens me. So, I choose not to getinvolved with it, and instead focus on the positive.

Because of my preference for meta and faithfulinterpretations of the text (making sure available translations are reliablefor analyzing, for instance), I’ve gathered enough information (andacknowledged enough counterarguments) to make an educated decision for myself onwhat I value most and want to see from the series. Unless Hori veers offotherwise, I’ll stick by that conclusion and enjoy following the series throughto fruition (regardless of what the rest of the opposing fandom might say).

For example, one of the first dedicated and respectful metawriters – back when only the FA scans were available, but who ALSO providedcorrections from the Japanese text where necessary, came to this conclusionabout Deku and Kacchan’s characterizations:  

From ryokure:

“Deku is such a super special case that if a fanfichas him and Kacchan in it - no matter the parings - and they don’t have somecase of mutual obsession, I actually consider that OOC.”

Which, after everything I’ve seen of the characters, I can fully concur withthat statement.

MEANING, if the fandom portrays them off alone, together, or involvedin relationships with other characters and they lack this intrinsic magnetism that binds them together (for betteror worse) – if they can somehowfunction completely normal without being influenced by the presence of anotherand magically not even care about each other anymore, then my suspension of disbeliefbreaks. They’re too OOC. (Unless it’s a fic au where they never met or grew uptogether.) These two are TOO canonically wrapped up in their mutual complexesto simply cut ties, wrap up all their unresolved issues with a band-aid,and essentially ignore a core issue of the series for the sake of ‘shipconvenience’ with others. Their canon relationship is too complex to make such simplifiedportrayals of them believable, or even such flimsy ‘solutions’ for their issuesfeasible. Thankfully, we have Hori actively doing all the hard work for us sowe don’t have to worry about such transgressions like that happening in canon. (InHori’s consistent characterizations we trust!)  

Now then, with all of THISestablished, I can finally answer your main question: my opinion on kiri/bakuand todo/deku.

Let’s start with todo/deku:

Because believe it or not, when I was still new to the fandom and in my earlyresearch stages, I actually lowkey shipped them and read plenty of fics aboutthem too! I was open to them as a pair, but still undecided and wary because I didn’t know who to ship withDeku: either Todoroki or Bakugou. I saw all the widespread (western) fandomcontent for td/dk, with the apparent foundations for the ship based on eventsfrom the Sports Festival, where Deku ‘saves’ Todoroki and acts as the catalystto allow him to defrost his issues with his father and realize his true power.I thought, ‘ooh there’s something interesting in there worth looking forwardto; I’ll keep an eye on how canon develops their relationship from here.’

Unfortunately…canon didn’t give me anything else substantial to build on. Andin my case, those are foundations I NEED to be fully on board and convinced fora ship. It was the equivalent of fandom hyping me up for something to lookforward to, with me sitting there with a huge smile and my arms raised inanticipation…only for the rest of the manga to leave me dry. It was a hugedisappointment. Because except for a few scattered incidents, like from theStain arc and maybe the recent ‘it’s ok for heroes to cry sometimes too’moment, canon progress for their relationship has been severely underwhelmingand virtually nonexistent. Todoroki has chilled into becoming a supportive (yetstill socially awkward) friend for Deku yes, but even Iida has had more canon incidents of concern for Deku’s wellbeing,and challenges Deku into becoming a better person/hero with their interactions.(And yet, fandom support for Deku and Iida is virtually nonexistent incomparison, because their friendship resembles the camaraderie between bros, Iguess??)    

So then I was like, ‘wait, am I missing something here? WHY does the fandomlove td/dk so much, when their canon interactions are so limited, and the onlybig thing that’s happened between them was all the way back in the SportsFestival??’ So, I went and investigated the potential of their relationshipfurther in fanfics (which are quite numerous and popular on a03 I might add).

After taking a look, I began to see trends. Most td/dk fics are heavily skewed in Todoroki’s favor, tothe point of being practically one-sided in character development. The mainconflict in almost all their ficnarratives revolves around solving Todoroki’s issues with his father and comingto terms with HIS powers, leaving Deku as a passive, supporting participant inhelping Todoroki out with his problems. Which, while the two of them could bondtogether over their missing/difficult father issues, after a while this same familyconflict gets old and stale. What else is there? What about Deku’s problems for equality’s sake?He’s the main protagonist! How abouthis difficulties in learning how to make One for All his own too? Ah nope, hecan’t canonically confide in Todorokiabout the secrets of his quirk, now can he. ;) Oh wait. What about his problems with Bakugou? Is the biggest elephant in the room going to be ignored for the sakeof typical couple melodrama, or is my fav character going to be demonized so that Todoroki, the ‘prince’on a white horse, can ‘save’ Deku, the ‘damsel’ in distress, from him?! No way. And THAT is another hugeproblem I have with the ship.

Because in all the fics I’ve read of them, I never once was convinced ofDeku’s feelings for Todoroki. I can understand Todoroki gaining a passing crushon Deku thanks to their fight in the Sports Festival. But Deku? How does heeven fall for him? Just becauseTodoroki is nice and considerate and listens to him? Like a friend? (Deku has Uraraka and Iida forthat too, what makes Todoroki any more special than them in Deku’s life?) Thisties in to my previously mentioned suspension of disbelief and ooc territorynow. Because Deku is not some haplessdamsel in distress ready to be swept off his feet and easily charmed by somepotential suitor; he’s a BAMF with a heroic spirt that’s even feared byBakugou. And these traits are so rarely utilized to their full potential intd/dk fics - Todoroki’s influence rarely even challenges or inspires Deku toBECOME the best he can be to draw out his latent potential. (Iida’s canonicallydone more in that regard thanTodoroki’s ever done.) Again, it feels too one-sided in Todoroki’s favor toimprove as a better person/hero.

Oh yeah, and since Deku became one of Todoroki’s first ‘true friends,’ forTodoroki to fall for him feels like putting too many eggs in one basket,without giving Todoroki the chance tobranch out and make normal/healthy relationships with OTHERS first beforesettling down. He’s a socially awkward kid emotionally repressed by domesticabuse; for him to latch onto Deku, the ‘first’ person he’s finally (andliterally) warmed up to, feels like the budding symptoms of unhealthy copingmechanisms and compensating for Todoroki’s deeper emotional issues. Where it thenbecomes Deku’s ‘responsibility’ to care for the turnout of his wellbeing, whenNO - Deku’s got plenty of his OWN issues to become burdened with someone else’s on top of those. Plus in canon,Todoroki’s doing just fine and is perfectly capable of handling his personal problems onhis own without having to depend on Deku.

Again, it’s all touchy territory that feels like it sidelines the mainintent of the series itself – by branching off into the deep end of Todoroki’sangst at the expense of Deku’s, or worse: simply wrapping everything up with afluffy bow called ‘the power of love.’ Nuh-uh, not only is that immenselyidealistic and unrealistic, but it’s totally not the kind of content I signedup for when I started the series. I’m frankly not interested in delving into thoseoff-tangent topics in opposition to canon, where Deku’s problems are oftensidelined, his characterization compromised, and my fav character (Kacchan) eitherbecomes an exaggerated, antagonizing impediment to their ship or is simplytreated like he doesn’t even exist. (My patience and willing suspension of disbeliefonly go so far.)

In the end, Todoroki’s a supportingcharacter. In a tertiary tier after the protagonist (Deku) and the deuteragonist(Bakugou). Yet in td/dk fics he’s almost always turned into a main protagonistsomehow. I can understand his appeal and why he’s so popular in the fandom, yes(and I like him too!), but there’s a point where this exposure becomes TOO much,the limit to his available canon issues becomes saturated and repetitive, and itultimately becomes so tiring to keepcoming back and addressing the same topics in fanon when canon has alreadymarched on to focus on more pressing issues. I’m more interested in exploring those other things.

So nowadays, whenever I see td/dk content, I go ‘ayy that’s nice (or cute),’and keep on scrolling. It doesn’t bother me, but it doesn’t interest meanymore either. I probably won’t touch anymore fics of them together either;I’ve seen and had enough. I’m actually more receptive to seeing Todorokiinteract and develop friendships with other characters, like Inasa (the wind guy from the rival school)or even Momo for instance. Either of those ships I see around, I’m cool withtoo.

The final line: I don’t ship them (anymore), because canon swayed me over with the more pressing and compelling developments of bkdk.   

NOW, it’s time to talk about kiri/baku:      

To start, I actually LOVE Kirishima as a character. And I’ve alreadyestablished upfront that my fav character in the series is Kacchan. So whatgives? It turns out their ship has neverbeen on my radar.

Kirishima is a great character, but I’ve only ever seen him as a supportive bro. To EVERYONE in their class. Whichis precisely how Hori designed him: to be a compassionate/empathetic nice guywho bridges the gaps between the class with his vigorous enthusiasm and support(same role that Denki shares, by the way). And he fulfils this role splendidly.But he ALSO has his own insecurities and developing friendships with manyothers in the class – Denki, Mina, and Deku included. All of those people areimportant to him (and I’m cool with all their ships with him too). Kirishimadoes not solely revolve aroundBakugou.  

It’s true that near the beginning of the series, Bakugou was an angry loner,Kirishima trailed after him on his own accord, and after seeing his version of‘manliness’, decided to stick by him and support him, because Kiri saw thepositives of his character that ‘no one’ else bothered to see. (NOT true; Dekuhas always seen and admired Kacchan’spositive traits since they were children.)And so what’s canonically established is a budding friendship where Kirishimafulfils his given role to bridge gaps (whenever Bakugou strays away from theclass), essentially working as a rubber band plot device, and as a secondperspective – aka a fresh lens, for the audience to view Bakugou’s positivequalities.

All of this I’m cool with. I actually enjoyseeing their canon interactions and the kind of fun, slapstick way they bounceoff each other. (I even like the concept of Dragon!Kiri too!) BUT, it’s whenfanon starts twisting their canon relationship into shippy territory, that’swhere things start getting…ugly, at least for me.  

Remember, I’ve always only seen Kirishima as a supportive bro, and I MEAN that. They have the samered eyes. The same style of spikey hair. The same pumped up mannerisms whenthey get going. Too many similarities that rub me the wrong way when put in aromantic context. (The only difference is that one of them is the soft-hearted ‘niceguy,’ and the other is the outwardly prickly ‘asshole.’) To me, to ship them feels like the equivalentof taking the parallel ends of two polarized magnets: you can manually forcethem close together, but in the end, they cannot touch because the same ends ofmagnets naturally repel. Now, flip one of those magnets around (aka turn it intoDeku), and boom, the opposite ends attract with explosive force. And THAT ishow bkdk feels to me in comparison.

However, the kr/bk fandom doesn’t stop there. I know there exists plenty of fics about them, but I’ve never read any, and frankly, I never will, not even for curiosity’ssake. Because from the overabundance of otherfandom content, I already know what their ship dynamic is about. And it doesnot appeal to me at all.

Remember how I said Kacchan is my favorite. I do not appreciate when thefandom warps him into either a demonized or castrated caricature of himself –aka when they turn him into someone he most definitely is NOT, all for the sakeof a ship. Or worse: when they use Kiri’s relationship as a means of changingBakugou into a character they findmore appealing. NO. Even more worse: when they treat Kiri’s whole character as awalking plot device for ALL of Bakugou’s positive character development. Fuckno! Kirishima doesn’t deserve this dehumanizing treatment by the fans, andneither does my fav, getting subjected to this…betrayal to his whole character.

What am I talking about? When fans insist that Kiri is the ONLY personBakugou can be ‘nice’ to, outright forsaking or ignoring the canon developmentseither of them have with other characters – what about Denki, the rest of the‘Bakusquad’? Or Deku? Remember my dislike for ignoring the elephant in the room back in my spiel about td/dk?Well here, it’s infinitely times worse.

Because Kiri does not become aconvenient narrative replacement to ‘solve’ all of Bakugou’s problems or themeans to correct his bad behavior. It’s not even Kiri’s business orresponsibility to do so! (Same deal if Uraraka is shipped in Kiri’s place.) Hispresence doesn’t challenge Bakugou’s current conduct or world views to improvehimself as a better person, OR actively affect his drive to become the best hero.At most, Kiri endures the brunt of Bakugou’s outbursts when they happen(because he can harden with his quirk, he can ‘take’ it, and their banterbecomes ‘humorous’ and ‘harmless’…no, it absolutely does not) and amicably slides off any further implications with a ‘heyman, that’s not cool’, or excuses/accepts it with a ‘it’s fine because he’s justbeing himself.’ Now we have a situation where Kiri becomes a passive ‘butt-monkey’to Bakugou’s whims and actually enableshis unacceptable behavior to persist. And Bakugou somehow becomes fully invested in a single confidant who babies andpicks up after him (how the heck? no way would he allow himself to get ropedinto a relationship like that, if any at all. He’s strong and independent enoughto handle himself fine.). Even when it’s portrayed where Kiri is the ‘only’ oneBakugou’s nice to, they’d exist in a vacuum tunnel, sealed off from the influenceof others, and become a spiraling fester-hole of static development. None ofthese prospects are the ‘healthy’ long-term results that fandom seems to claimthey are. Tell me, if Bakugou was reallyan abusive character, would his behavior magically ‘fix’ itself simply thanksto Kiri’s passive influence or ‘the power of his understanding kindness and love’?The answer is a resounding and definite NO. The only person who can canonically stand up to Bakugou’s behavior (andnot brush it off), fundamentally challengehis world views and complexes, match him in equal and opposite intensity with themutual drive to be the best, and receivethe full extent of his turbulent feelings, is Deku.

This is what I’m referring to when I say fandom often ‘ignores the elephantin the room,’ because THIS (Deku and Kacchan’s relationship) is an established,ongoing and important core issue of the series itself, that many shippers wouldrather sideline for the priority, current gratification, and fluffy convenienceof an opposing ship. Aka, simply slap them together with the first nice friend theymeet (in both Todo and Baku’s cases, it’s the ‘too many eggs in one basket’problem again…), who will solve all their problems and work to ‘change’ theminto better people…somehow? No, that’s the case of unrealistic, wishful thinking bad writing andtaking the easy way out when something -the elephant in the room- is too challengingand complex to tackle head on. Thankfully, Hori IS tackling their story head onas purposely intended, so I don’t have to worry about canon jumping the sharkon the progress of their relationship.  

So, instead of Kiri being shipped with Bakugou, I much prefer him as a supportingcharacter (a supportive bro!!) who helps ease Bakugou into social/emotionalsituations that he’d normally avoid (which is how Hori originally designedhim??? to bridge those gaps -aka Bakugou’s loner distance - in the class) I’veread plenty of bkdk fics where Kiri becomes the mvp BECAUSE of his natural abilityto do this! With him as a much-needed wingman, voice of empathetic reason, and trustedsecond opinion who Bakugou can confide in to help confront his chronicemotional constipation over Deku. Shipperscan claim that Kiri helps Baku come to terms and become receptive to ‘softer,’ affectionatefeelings when they’re together, when it’s actually the opposite: Kiri becomes astepping stone for Bakugou to learn how to ‘make friends’ with other people whenthey’re apart. ‘Other people’ meaning: Denki, the ‘squad’, Todoroki, the restof the class…and most importantly, Deku.Let my son -Kacchan- learn how to form healthy, genuine relationships withpeople again, so he can gain the necessary experience and maturity to reproach hislifelong treatment of Deku and decide to patch up their relationship on his own terms. This, I feel, is a much more satisfyingoutcome and effective use of Kiri’s character, both in his involvement withBakugou and for the long-run benefit of the series itself.

But instead of seeing it this way, much of the (western) fandom overexaggerates the importance of Kiri and Baku’s relationship, to the point it notonly overshadows the content of other ships, but obfuscates the actual translated GEN contentof canon itself. (WHY!?!) I’m not even going to touch the propensity, hypocrisy, and irony of their shippers to harassand bully others for their opposing shipping preferences (that’s a whole other can of worms). Overall,it’s gotten so bad and obnoxiously rampant that I’ve been forced to block the ship tag for my own sanity and enjoyment of theseries. The ONLY time it’s ever beenrequired for me to use the blacklist function here, and that’s saying something.

Therefore: I support their friendship as supportive bros, but kr/bk as a ship was never on myradar. I’ve never shipped it, and I will notbecome interested in their potential as a pair. I used to be ok with seeing fan content of them around…until thefandom essentially and unfortunately soured it into a notp for me. Welp!   

And there we have it, my full opinion on both ships. I hope that satiatesanyone’s curiosity on the matter, as so far I’ve had plenty of personal reasonsto stay in my own lane and only show my avid support for bkdk. This I’ve confidently decided and I will continue todo so, for as long as I’m invested in the series.  

For some further reading and similar informed opinions:  

http://explodo-smash.tumblr.com/post/165154054112/not-to-pit-ships-against-one-another-but-i

http://explodo-smash.tumblr.com/post/163895267877/why-do-you-ship-bakugou-and-deku-if-its-abusive

http://tinyshinysylveon.tumblr.com/post/168731953134

https://punkbakugo.tumblr.com/post/170514358890/do-you-think-that-the-fandom-over-exaggerates

Also related: my opinions about Kac/chako. And Izu/Ocha.

Edit: now cross-posted on a03

[the-canary]

Sky Full of Song (6/10)

Summary: Giving a recovering amnesiac the proper musical education he was missing, wasn’t supposed to involve feelings, right? (Reader/Bucky Barnes)

Prompt:  “Should I reveal exactly how I feel?”

Word Count: 1771

Masterlist

A/N: This is for @redgillan writing challenge. hbd to myself.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 4.5 | Part 5

“So, why is Six afraid of Seven?” you can already feel your eyes rolling to the back of your head at Four’s joke.

“Why?” Two dares to be the one asking the question.

“Cause her malfunctioning powers destroyed his lab. The poor guy, ” he wheezes out, as Two hits him in the ribs. You hear Six’s strained chuckle in the back of the room.

Cue your groaning, as Two shakes her head at Four’s awful joking. It doesn’t have the intended response, but it eases the tense air within the medical bay. Six had asked them leave saying that you were going to be alright, but they wouldn’t have it after the last mission -- your screaming and afterwards blacking out when the drive you were using your powers on overloaded had caught them both off guard -- you were usually much better this, had your feelings in control. Now, not so much.

“Have you had any nightmares lately?” a tall, dark-haired man comes up to question you sitting on the medical table, while all you do is nod no.

“Any fluctuations of emotions recently?” hazel eyes look up from the tablet they are scanning through to see you frowning.  Four’s ohhh makes you feel like you’re a child being caught stealing cookies before dinner. You all knew what uncontrolled emotions did to your powers and that made them, particularly Six, very protective of you.  

He motions your two partners to leave the room more seriously this time, as they send you hesitant smiles before exiting the medbay. You sit there and swing your legs due to the nervousness of it all, you hadn’t really blacked out while using your powers since you had been found by S.H.I.E.L.D all those years ago. It was worrying and you think Six might be feeling it too.  

“Who have you been commiserating with?” he asks while looking at familiar pair of gloves (that had helped controlled your power as a teenager and young adult), though they seemed a little different from the last time you had seen him, maybe he (or even Mr. Stark) had improved on them since the last time you had used them.

“Sergeant Barnes,” you simply answer, as Six turns to look at you with a raised eyebrow.

Six calls your real name softly, as you turn to look at him, “You know why we keep your circle as tight as it is. You’re an adult, but I hope you take your health into consideration as well.”

“ I’m trying ,” you murmur angrily, as he nods ignoring your outburst and brings up nothing more of the subject before pulling over a chair and placing those gloves and a headphone set on your lap.    

“Okay, what would you like to listen you?” he asks with a smile that reminds you an older brother.

“David Bowie.”

“Excellent choice.”

“Okay, so she likes you and you like her,” Sam pauses as he watches the former Winter Soldier pace back and forth, “I don’t see what the problem is here. Lost your touch, old man?”

“You don’t know that,” Bucky remarks while running his flesh hand through his hair in an agitated manner, “What if she just did it out of pity or…”

His voice dies out in the end because he doesn’t want to think of her that way, Sam just shakes his head at the sudden lost puppy dog look that appears on the big, bad former assassin’s face.

“That’s not what Steve’s been telling me,” he chuckles, as blue eyes widen.  Sam gives him a big smile, as Bucky groans.

“So what, I should just reveal exactly how I feel ?” Bucky groans in frustration at finally admitting that there is something other than friendship that he might be feeling towards her. He takes a seat on the couch and puts his head on the palms of his hands.  

“Duh, you’re just cockblocking yourself,” Sam laughs as Bucky keeps wishing that Steve was here to talk to instead.

eight night.

Now, Four likes to think he is the “cool brother” within his little group of colleagues. If Three was the grandfather and Six could sometimes be taken for the father with how he swinged between concern and reprimanding the rest of team, what else there for him to be. He cared about everyone, though he cared the most about his girls -- Two and you. Ok, maybe he cared about Two a little bit more than in a friendship or familial sense, but you were like his kid sister. Maybe that’s why he was spending the third night (middle of the night to be exact) in a row making you pancakes, as he tried not to laugh at the sight of you in those weird gloves and headset trying to cut your food with plastic utensils.

“ ‘m not hungry anymore,” you push the the plate of cold pancakes away, as he looks at you with mock disappointment before laughing. You cross your head over the countertop and lay your head on them.

“Okay, ignore my culinary marvels,” he says with the most serious tone he can muster, before asking the same question he did every night “You’re still not gonna talk are ya, sweets?”

You shake your head, as bright light suddenly glows from underneath your face and Four knows he shouldn’t ask anymore. He was aware of your talk with Captain Rogers and that after that you didn’t seek out a certain soldier anymore, Sergeant Barnes didn’t seem to seek you out either, but Four was fully aware that he still played the songs you had shown him. So, Four wasn’t sure exactly what was the problem, though it seemed --from his point of view-- that neither of you were very good with emotions.

“Okay, so what song are we going to play tonight?’ He questions as he sits on a bar stool not too far away from you. Playing some songs you knew until you fell asleep was usually how these types of nights went, then he would carry you to your room.

“ Heroes ,” you murmur, as F.R.I.D.A.Y to begins to play his Best of Bowie playlist with that song. He is ready to throw in the towel for the night, that is until a familiar figure slowly enters the room. Weary and bloodshot eyes turn to meet his green ones, as your soft and sleepy voice drags blue-gray eyes to look at you. A small smile blooms on Barnes’ face, which causes Four to start putting the pieces together in his head.

“Kid, what’s your favorite David Bowie song?” you stir a little and Bucky takes it as his cue to leave the room, but he pauses when Four puts his hand in front of him and mouths a   please.  

“R-Right now, As The World Falls Down ,” you shake your head, it’s sort of obvious who is behind you alongside Four, but you decide not to turn around and spare yourself the grief and whatever emotions might bubble up to the surface. You let David Bowie’s voice lull you to sleep, and hopefully not into those dreams  with the goblins again.

“ Damn , kid,” Four harshly whispers as he watches the soldier lean into the the countertop and take in the music for a moment. As much as Four might hate your love for The Labyrinth , he’s pretty sure you got a certain feeling across with this particular song.

You’re sleeping and snoring rather peacefully in that strange position when the song finally ends. Four signs and Bucky opens his eyes before glancing back at your form sweetly.

“What’s wrong with her?” Bucky asks quietly, his eyes completely taken by you.

“Her powers are extremely tied to her emotions,” Four explains,”if she gets too stressed, she gets sick and can’t recharge or let out her powers out properly.”

Bucky steps past Four to where you are seated, he places his right hand over your cheek timidly and Four looks away on the moment, though he’s probably being completely forgotten of at this very moment.          

“You should probably take her to her room,” Four nods at his brilliant idea,”I am sure that F.R.I.D.A.Y can tell you where it is, j-just watch out for the sparks and your arm.”

Four is already jogging down the hall before he can get a negative response.

It takes  Bucky awhile to figure out how to move you from the chair and not touch your hands,  though it does catch his fascination that there is a light glow of blue and white underneath the leather and mesh material covering them. F.R.I.D.A.Y tells him exactly where your room, which is three floors down from his where most the recruits are housed. The elevator ride is silent outside of your light snoring and his thundering heart, especially when you let out a little sigh and move in closer to take in his body heat.

What are you doing to me, doll?

Because Bucky Barnes isn’t exactly sure what he is feeling, he wasn’t sure he had ever felt something like this back in the 40’s and he wasn’t expecting anything like this after the horrors he had inflicted as the Winter Soldier -- but, here he was. He wasn’t sure is he was lucky or cursed, but looking down at your face made him think that neither one was so bad.

Your room is down the hall where most of the wall is just glass panels and he briefly wonders what it would be like to see you in the rays of sun each morning. However, he quickly shakes those thoughts away as he taps the door gently, and even though it is completely dark Bucky can make out some movie and concert posters, varying in decade, on your walls and a record player on the other side of your bed.

He walks to the opposite side of the bed, where the the blankets and sheets are thrown haphazardly together. Bucky places you gently on the bed and for a moment gets lost in watching your face scrunch due to the sudden lack of warmth. You groan and turn to your left side, facing him, and mumble something as he smiles softly at the sight -- something that he clearly doesn’t deserve. So, he’ll indulge himself slightly before leaving your room.

“Goodnight, doll,” is all he says as he closes the door, hoping you’ll get better without him in the way.

“‘Night, Buck…”you murmur before turning over again, not knowing exactly what you needed either.

Part 7 

[simmer-for-hire-blog]

Why I haven’t been around.

Hoo boy, this is gonna be a Longpost™ so I’m probably gonna put it under a cut, just so you guys don’t have to look at the whole thing on your dash. But this is basically just gonna be me outlining why I haven’t been around on Tumblr, and more broadly just kinda everywhere. Also, there might be some darker themes and stuff, so I’ll make sure to put in the appropriate trigger warnings in the tags. And before any of you rush to judgments, no I’m not making this post to garner sympathy or for notes or anything like that. If anything I’m just trying to provide an explanation to those who follow me and are disappointed by my lack of posts, and potentially raise awareness for what I’m going through and provide some basic information. So hold on to your hats, because here we gooo! (There’s also gonna be some TMI in here about periods and stuff so if that kind of thing grosses you out then you probably shouldn’t read this tbh)

So I’ve had a few health problems - both physical and mental - that I’ve been trying to  overcome over the past couple of years or so. Most of my problems concern the endocrine (hormone) system and reproductive organs, so if this is TMI, then it might be better for you to not continue reading as I will probably go into some detail.

For about a year or so, I’ve had the official diagnosis of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, or PCOS, but I’ve been suffering from it for a good five years or so idk? For those of you who aren’t familiar with it, it is a condition that is related to abnormal hormone production in the body, which results in characteristics such as excess hair growth, weight gain, irregular or no periods and - the main focal point - fluid-filled sacs growing in the ovaries, which can cause a lot of pain if they burst. I’d just like to make a note here that I am in no way an expert, so the information here may not be completely accurate, so I urge you to do your own research on this if you wish to find out more, rather than taking what I say as fact. My personal experience with this has been less severe than a lot of cases, I would say. I first started showing symptoms around 2014/2015, when my periods became irregular, and eventually stopped altogether over the period of about 4 months. Naturally, I went to see a doctor, and had maybe the worst experience I’ve ever had with a medical professional. It took him two years (still with no periods) to finally admit that something was wrong, and I ended up having to enter each medical appointment with the attitude that I would need to fight tooth and nail to get him to admit that I could have a problem. But eventually he agreed to send me for an ultrasound, and there it was found that I had a borderline amount of cysts (not enough for a certain diagnosis, but too many to say that there was nothing wrong), leading to a diagnosis being given, as I had a lot of other symptoms. There is no treatment for PCOS, as it cannot be cured, so all the doctors can do is suggest options to manage the symptoms. One such option is the contraceptive pill, which they put me on. I had such a terrible reaction to this that I stopped taking them because it was impossible for me to function as a human being while I was on them, as they worsened the disorder that I will tell you about next. However, when I came off the pill, I actually started getting periods again, which seemed like a miraculous recovery, until something worse happened...

So I was thinking that everything would be magically better when I started having periods again. Unfortunately for me this was not the case. After coming off the contraceptive pill, I had regular (yet very light) periods again. So this meant that the cycle of hormones was continuing normally. For the week or so leading up to my period until a couple of days into the period, where people would often experience PMS, it’s like I became a different person. I’d have episodes where I’d be so sad that I couldn’t get out of bed, and would sometimes barely be able to move. Obviously this caused me to miss a lot of school. I think my attendance at the end of this school year must have been like 50% or something. I’d also experience fits of violent rage, and overwhelming thoughts of self-harm and suicide. In February of this year, it all became too much for me, and I was admitted to the hospital after a suicide attempt. Luckily for me and everyone around me, I survived and was discharged a couple of days afterwards. My memory of the event is terrible due to the nature of the attempt so I couldn’t really tell you very much about my experience. It was a very strange period of time, because about halfway through each period, these symptoms would fade away, and I’d be left wondering why I’d ever had these thoughts and feelings, because they wouldn’t even cross my mind when these ‘episodes’ weren’t going on. It was during this time that a family member sent me a link to an article. This article was about a woman who, like me, suffered an almost complete personality change for a few weeks per month, in a seemingly cyclical nature. Like me, this started when she first got her periods and didn’t affect her all the time. The only difference is that her periods were always regular, whereas I had barely had any due to the PCOS. This woman was diagnosed with a disorder called Pre-Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder, or PMDD. A lot of the information is on the website that I have linked, but feel free to do your own research if you’re curious. To summarise, it is a disorder caused by sensitivity to normal hormone fluctuations that causes extreme mood swings, depression, anxiety, bursts of rage etc. between ovulation and bleeding (which basically means the week or two leading up to your period). For me, this disorder is crippling, and has destroyed any chance of a life I could have had. I cannot continue any form of education, I cannot work (I had a job for about an hour before I couldn’t take it but that’s another story), so there’s not much to do with my life. Lately I have been thinking long and hard about some information that I’ve recently come across. According to the Equality Act of 2010 (this applies to me because I live in the UK, but it’ll be different in other countries), a disability is defined as ‘having a physical or mental impairment that has a substantial and long term negative effect on your ability to do normal day to day activities’. According to this definition, my PMDD is a disability, but I haven’t fully read up on the legislation, so I couldn’t whether legally it would count or anything like that. I also don’t know how I feel about being defined as ‘disabled’, because mental disorders aren’t typically seen as being disabling in our society and there’s a stigma around people with disabilities being ‘helpless’ and I’m certainly not that, and I don’t want to undermine people who suffer from physical disabilities by calling myself ‘disabled’, so there’s a whole host of reasons why I don’t want to jump to that.

Contrary to what I’ve been saying here, there is actually hope for me. PMDD and PCOS are not completely curable per se, but there are ways to manage and educe symptoms, so I can live a normal life (PMDD is more curable than PCOS however, which has been touched upon in the article I linked earlier, and I will briefly discuss in a second). However, so far my GP has been of absolutely no help, and I fully intend to complain officially because the way they have treated me is appalling and has basically ruined the current state of my life. That is why I decided to see a private specialist. I am so lucky that my family have the financial security needed to be able to afford a private healthcare consultation, because I received so much more help from them in the half hour consultation than I ever received from my GP in the four years that I have been going to them for help on these matters. The private doctor listened to the timeline of events that I laid out for her, and the full extent of what is currently going on, and recommended that I take vitamin supplements, as they have been proven to slightly manage PMDD symptoms, and prescribed a five-day contraceptive which would hopefully get my periods kick-started again, as I have missed the last four months with no sign of them returning. I’m currently on the last day of this contraceptive, and I’ve been suffering with really bad PMDD (didn’t really help that I was out drinking on friday which usually makes my symptoms worse, but oh well, it was a good night), so hopefully these will yield results within a couple of days. The consultant is also following up with a colleague in London who is an expert on this kind of thing, and will shoot me an email if she finds anything else out. Treatment options for PMDD can include inducing menopause early or even a hysterectomy (removal of the female reproductive organ), but I have been told that hopefully it will not come to that.

So yeah, that’s been my journey so far. During this time, it’s been difficult, even impossible, to keep up with this blog. I hope that you understand why I haven’t been able to update regularly. If you have any questions, please ask me, and I’ll try to the best of my ability to answer all of them. If you’ve read this far, thank you for sticking with me, and by the way, thank you for 738 followers! I really don’t deserve that much love and support considering I haven’t made a post in months, but it means a lot. I hope this post informed you all about what I’ve been dealing with and all that, and I’ll try to make some sort of recovery in order to keep posting here. I love you guys xx

[twosidestarot]

Readers in Profile: Siobhan of Radical Tarot

If you've been around these parts for many moons, you might remember my interview series, Readers in Profile, in which I sit down with some of the many cool cats in our tarot community to talk shop. It's been a while since we've had an instalment of this series, but I'm very glad to be breathing some life back into it with one of my favourite radical cardslingers, Siobhan of Radical Tarot.

Siobhan's one of those readers who inspires me in my own practice, because she never takes a boundary or brick wall as a given. Siobhan's writing and thinking about tarot always, always stretches this old art form into new shapes, and her compassionate, curious, and expansive approach always manages to find new ways of seeing the cards. It's pretty magical! 

Let's get to it, shall we?

Hi Siobhan! Tell us a little bit about yourself as a tarot reader and a human person. 

I'm a person that both starts with and rallies against a series of labels. Black. Poor. Anxious (or crazy depending on who you ask). Empathic (or crazy depending on who you ask).

I came to the cards with a great deal of fear. Growing up where I grew up there were doubts or questions about my place in the world. I never fit. There was a constant question about my worth. Metaphysical differences complicated these issues. 

When I was younger, I saw and heard which were not of the physical world. And I knew back then to keep my mouth shut. Because I was raised in a family that while very Christian and relatively conservative, still acknowledged the unseen. They had to, there were too many unexplained incidents shared between us. 

What is your tarot origin story? 

By the time I handled the first tarot deck, I was searching very hard for a way to feel safe. I wanted to believe that there were mechanisms through which I could wrangle my own intuition. I wanted to make peace with the part of me that whispered me bits of information that I shouldn't know about myself and others. 

I wanted to turn my gift off and on at will, and I had a hunch that the tarot was the way. Even if the cards themselves did nothing, I thought they might at least train my mind so that I might get a say in when I would pick up on things. I hadn't met anyone like me other than my grandmother and other relatives.

I set out to learn about my premonitions at all costs. Even if it meant studying witchcraft and things I was raised to believe came from the devil. I came to the cards out of kind of psychic desperation. I would come to learn as I got older and met more metaphysicians and practitioners that this isn't a typical way to come to the craft. Most come looking to tap into more, not less. 

I used the Tarot not to contact spirit realm but to limit contact. I felt that if I could give myself a spiritual outlet, time and space where it was ok to deal with the unseen, maybe the unseen would stop flooding the rest of my life and my dreams. And sure enough, things got better. 

The spellcraft I did, and the cards that I pulled signaled to my brain that there was a time for such things and that it wasn't all the time. I could sleep easier, and I had substantially less fear. 

The only reason I ever even laid eyes on a tarot deck was through a dear friend. Through school, I was exposed to media that my family couldn't afford, anime, comics, and of course, tarot. My best friend showed me her mother's Morgan Greer deck. 

There was a definite weight to the cards. Even though I don't remember the art blowing me away. I don't remember fear or trepidation handling the cards. Even though I had been raised to be afraid of them. 

How does tarot fit into your life day-to-day – what are the regular practices you use to connect with and learn from the cards?

I notice myself pulling cards in waves. When I feel like I would be put at ease by knowing how something is going to turn out, when I'm anxious or stressed about the future or when I notice that I'm fixating on something from the past and I want to let it go. 

I pull my cards when I'm biking through a particularly beautiful trail, and feel at peace, and when I am visiting places of power. Geographical locations where I feel strong spiritual presences or a spike in energy for whatever reason. 

I notice that even on the days when I don't pull a card, I'm thinking about the images. This is how I really came to embrace pulling cards face up. I was doing in my head anyway, so it made sense to pull the cards this way as well. 

I reach for my cards when I need to make a decision where I would normally second guess myself or look for someone else to tell me what to do. I'm recovering from a time in my life where I didn't have a lot of confidence in my decision making or even my perception of reality. I have an old habit of looking for reassurance outside of myself. 

The cards help me to remember that I can look to the unseen for answers and also that there are parts of myself that I can draw from. That I almost never need to look anywhere further than my own judgment.

Do you integrate tarot into any other aspects of your spiritual or creative practice? 

One of the most unlikely spiritual combinations in my life is tarot and sexuality. I’ve pulled cards Face Up, consciously rather than at random, for Tantric rituals before. And lately, I've been drawing cards for my kink. 

This is partially due to one of my decks, Manara's Erotic Tarot. It's a hard deck to read. It's one of those made of images that weren't intended for tarot. I don't usually like decks like these. But it's comic art. And I do like comics, so it ended up being one of my first decks. But it's a dark and obscure deck. 

It focuses entirely on the male gaze, something that was interesting to me when I was younger but in the last decade or so, underwhelms me. It has some pretty kinky images. At least, at the time, indie decks have pushed the envelope in recent years.

I was already interested in kink when I bought the deck, but I wasn't so experienced at the time. I hadn't been exposed to the range of fetishes and kinky activities that I have at this point. So I used the deck but didn't really hear it, you know? 

Years after I bought it, after much more kink play, I recognized one of the images on the card as something I had (almost) done. There were cobblestones in the picture and a partially nude woman flashing traffic at the Arc de Triomphe in Paris. This card really came alive for me after I'd seen the Arc in person for myself AND after I'd done a brief stint modeling for fetish photography. 

I'm outside with a photographer one day wearing this corset and these heels and not much else, and it's a real struggle balancing on these cobblestones in 7-inch platforms, and I was cold and nervous about being so scantily clad in the middle of the financial district. I had to use the restroom and the photographer, being a bit of sadist suggests I go right there in the middle of the street. 

I tell him absolutely not. 

But I go ahead and imagine what it would be like, the relief, the release. I imagine what it would be like to be a person who has no shame about doing this very private act in a very public place. It would feel free. The kind of freedom and bliss you can only get doing something extreme. 

This is the image on the nine of cups in the Erotic Tarot. It has this puddle beneath a woman in the photo. And after this fetish shoot, I realized it's not rain water underneath her. It's not the exhibitionist flashing that causes her to bite her lip. 

Once I could understand this deck, it changed the way I looked at all the others, opening up a world of interpretation concerning all kinds of sexuality that had never occurred to me. 

In your professional work, are there any pro tips or insights you’ve picked up along the way that you’d like to share? 

At least two things stand out to me about reading tarot for others. Both things that it took me a long time to realize. The first is whether or not the reading is about you. The reading can be about you. Many people read tarot this way. Some realize it. Some don't. Some do it pro this way. 

They read tarot to fulfill a need that they have, and this is the primary focus. And I suppose on some level this will always come into play. Any interaction between humans will involve, hopefully, the needs of everyone getting met. The difference I am focusing on is one of primary-ness. 

Some people never bother to ask themselves the question of what is primary to their tarot practice. Are you looking to feel wise? Magical? Holy? Caring? Useful? Are these needs primary? Are you looking to be of service? 

And even if you think you mean to serve, it can be tricky to see the root of why we do the things we do. Until we face something annoying. The no-brainer. The stupid or infuriating things. These things are the clues. The pregnancy questions. The questions about a third party. The questions where some people feel the ethics are plain as day and not even worth looking at. 

These are the places where we find out our real motivation. Are we drained or are we angry when we receive the less-than-ideal questions? If we feel any heavy charge when reading, there's something we're taking personally or a need that we feel is not being met. 

If we don't happen to have the awareness to notice moments like these, we may spend our entire practice thinking we are doing one thing but in actuality doing another. This comes back to a question I've asked before on my blog that I got from Betty Martin, an educator that I love: "who's it for?"

The second thing is what a reading actually entails. We all know it can take days, months, or years to learn the cards, the symbols and their meanings and our own personalized interpretations of the archetypes. We all agree on that part. But what about communicating the reading to the querent? What about doing so without unintended triggers, microaggressions, miscommunication? What about how we listen? 

Many of the people who want readings may not have another outlet to express their issue. What about recognizing when to refer someone for services outside the realm of tarot? And if you read tarot professionally there are several more layers of expertise that it wouldn't hurt to cultivate the same as with any business. What exactly does it mean to be spiritual or emotional triage for someone? 

Having a business is its own journey without even considering the part where we learn to use the cards. There are so many ways to both run a business and use the tarot that it really behooves a person to know why they do what they do. What their values are. And yet there are so many who don't know these things about themselves. Discernment is key. 

Discernment of the teachers that we choose to learn from, the words we use, the attitude with which we approach other humans. It takes a lot of actions, daily habits, and work to handle all those things with grace and integrity. And not everybody will want to invest what is needed, and not everyone will realize that they don't want to right away. 

I just have to ask – what would be your five desert island tarot (or oracle) decks? Which ones couldn’t you live without?

If I were on a desert island, I'd honestly really focus on my God-given divination tools, words, breath, and dreams. One day you ask me this question I might say the Margarete Peterson. One day maybe the St. Croix. One day Thoth (No really, it might just have to be Thoth. That deck seems to scream at me.) And maybe that means I'm a bit ambivalent about the decks I've seen so far. And maybe there's room for me to fall in love and for this to change. 

The further down the rabbit hole I sink toward minimalism and toward letting go of objects, both of which are pretty important to me lately, the less I notice preferences that I used to hold so strong. I sometimes think about a year-long ritual I could do that involves getting rid of every deck I own, til' I own one or maybe even no more decks. To test myself and see if I could remember the impermanence of everything. 

I read a book years ago, I don't remember which one in it said, "a witch has no possessions." And me, with my Aspie-leaning heart, took it quite literally. That I couldn't call myself a witch until I had nothing or until I did not consider my relationship to things one of ownership.

I don't identify as a witch anymore. But this concept works well with my more recent Buddhist approach to things and so still serves. And when we think about the earth, isn't this for the best? The mindset that is the most sustainable is to be attached to absolutely nothing, not even the bones we breathe through. Not the most fun way to look at this question I know...

Where can we find you? 

You can find me blogging at radicaltarot.com. It’s a good idea to sign up for my newsletter. Between my column on Little Red Tarot, random publications, free monthly tarotscopes, and seasonal professional readings, there’s kind of a lot to keep track of. 

*

You can probably tell now why I love Siobhan's tarot brain! I highly recommend her Little Red Tarot column, and do make sure you get on her mailing list so you never miss your monthly tarot scopes!

[myectjourney]

ECT Evaluation & current my medication list (2/28/2018)

This post will go over the questions asked during my evaluation and parts of the discussion.

Duration of appointment: 1 hour 30 minutes (hour and a half)

*** TW suicide/self harm mention/questions regarding suicide/self harm. TW for detailed medical procdures and sezuires***

Current Medication List:

Lithium (For depression. 2nd time around with no results. After this evaluation, I quit.)

Clonazepam (For anxiety and panic attacks)

Propranolol  (For anxiety)

Zolpidem (For insomnia)

Evaluation (first appointment):

Doctor introduces herself.

We go over my intake form (which I filled out 2 weeks before my appointment. It included an extensive questionnaire.)

I was upfront about my diagnoses and that I was interested in ECT not TMS because ECT has a history of being more effective despite of there being more side effects. She did listen to this and didn’t bring up TMS at all during the evaluation.

She asked about my prior history with therapy. How long have I been in therapy and what for?

“Tell me about your life. How do you spend your days?”

I talked about how my illnesses have been getting progressively worse and how different drugs I’ve taken have effected this because of bad reactions.

I explained that I have had a lot of breakdowns. I classify them as “psychotic breakdowns” not panic attacks because I felt they were different from when I have panic attacks. She asked me to clarify my word choices, just so she could get a better understanding of what I meant by that.

She asked “How often are these kinds of breakdowns are happening?”, “How long do they last?”, “Explain what your episodes are like.”, “What causes these episodes?”.

Talked about personality disorders. We talked about how I am suicidal and how long I’ve been this way.

Talked about how many times I’ve tried to commit suicide. “How did you try to commit suicide?”

Talked about past history with self harm. “When you cut yourself, were you intending to harm yourself for some relief or to bleed out and die?”, “What stopped you from dying?” I explained that people came to my aid or there were times where I stopped myself because of my own fear of death. Even though I longed for it, I also fear it. “How many times have you stopped yourself versus someone stopping you?”. Some point between asking about suicide and self harm, I was asked “Have you ever been hospitalized?”.

“How often do you have panic attacks?”, “What does a panic attack look like?”

“Have you ever heard voices that weren’t there or seen things that aren’t there?”

“How often do you see your therapist?”, “How long are your therapy sessions?” “In your current situation you are having disregulation episodes which you are calling ‘psychotic breaks’ that are happening sometimes daily, or at least one a week in which you are pulling your hair, screaming, being disassociate and during these episodes are you trying to kill yourself or saying you want to kill yourself?”

To my partner who was in the room with me (my request): “How often does she talk about suicide?”

“How many of your suicidal attempts or gestures are caused by social stressers or fear of rejection?”

“Do you get into conflicts often in your relationships with people?”

“Do you have a bit of a temper?”, “Do you lash out at people you love?”, “How often do you find yourself making suicidal statements to others?”

She asked about a situation that my therapist wrote in her notes regarding a past experience that set me off.

“Have you done additional therapy for your agoraphobia?” I explained that my therapist and I have tried to get me into DBT but my insurance won’t cover it so it was no dice. We talked about how my social anxiety has gotten worse and the agoraphobia has been more of a recent development with the progression of my social anxiety and traumatic experiences. I also talked about how I think I have Selective Mutism which is brought on primarily through PTSD attacks (when I am triggered) or under immense amounts of stress.

“How is your thinking and memory?”

“Have you held a job at any point?”

Talked about my family and abuse I suffered through them and my lack of contact with them.

Asked about my medical diagnosis. I informed her I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia.

“Have you ever had a head injury, concussion, or seizure of any kind?” Nope.

“Any retinal detachments or metal implants in your face?” Nope.

“Any brain aneurysm, vascular clips in your head or neck, metal in your eyes, or pacemaker?” Nope.

“Any heart problems?” Not that I know of.

Confirmed where I was born and raised and who raised me (all questions answered on the intake form).

“Do you have any siblings?”

“How did you do in school?”, “What led to me not continuing my education?”

“Any religion?”, “Any military service?”, “Any legal problems?”

“How would you describe your mood today?”

We went over the meds I am currently on and my dosages. I told her that I won’t be on Lithium by the time we do the procedure. She said the lithium is less of a problem, I just need to be sure I don’t take it 2 days before we start the procedure. She was mostly concerned about the fact that almost all the meds I’m currently on are considered anti-seizure meds and a lot of them are highly addictive, especially the clonazepam and zolpidem. This is important because basically what ECT does is they induce seizures in the brain. This helps basically rewire your brain.

She informed me that LUCKILY they can reverse the effects of those 2 drugs with an antidote (pretty nifty) so they can get around that but she expressed concern that I might be “a little doped up”. I told her I was on a very low dose.

Talked about family history with mental illness. “Any one in your family commit suicide?” No. At least not that I’m aware of.

This is when we finally talked about diagnosis and treatment.

She said “Your diagnosis is relevant here because certain diagnosies respond better to ECT as compared to others. Based on your history, it seems like you have an expanding list of diagnosies and that can happen in psychiatry because they are checklist based and can be presented differently at different times. I think the over all picture is best captured by a personality disorder based on what you are telling me and that doesn’t mean you cant have ECT by any means but it does mean that there is a little more risk for you in a couple of ways. So people with a history with disassociation and a history of trauma, which very much goes with a personality disorder, have a harder time being put under repeatedly and hopelessness of ECT. It can be kind of re-traumatizing.”

She goes on to explain that there are cognitive side effects for people who have personality disorders (specifically similar to my symptoms), which can include something she called “Soap Opera” Amnesia where a patient will complete forget everything for a few days. It only has happened one in her experience but it was very scary for the person going through it and that patient did end up going to the hospital at some point. This wasn’t caused by the ECT though. Seizures do not cause this. This was basically psychosomatic; something this person developed as a result of the panic of being put under and having to go through that over and over again, hence why she disclosed this to me as someone with a personality disorder specifically issues with disassociation.  

She also explain that statistically, the effectiveness of ECT is a little lower for people with personality disorders versus those with just depression. It’s around 55% likely to be effective for people with personality disorders and around 87% likely to be effective for people who just have depression.

She said about a 3rd of people with just major depressive disorder that get ECT feel almost completely cured by it but with people with personality disorders, they might feel less suicidal and may be able to function better in day to day life but its way less likely to feel “cured” to that intensity.

We also talked about how she thinks I fit the description for BPD very much and that it looks different for different people. My favorite thing she said is that it doesn’t always look like “Girl Interrupted”. Luckily I already knew that and agreed with her on this matter. She talked about the stigma around it. Honestly, she was very understanding and knowledgeable (I mean, of course) but it was really nice to talk to someone who wasn’t bias about personality disorders.

Then we talked about the upsides and down sides of ECT in the most specific way we could.

Downsides being cognitive side effects, even if they are just doing the right side of my brain with pulses being as small as you can get and the dose being as low as possible, you can have cognitive slowing, feeling a little more spacey, attention is not “up to snuff”, and also short term memory problems. The most recent memories put in your brain are usually the ones that are effected first.

This can include the past couple week or months before the procedure.

During the course of ECT, 7-15 sometime 18 treatments, when youre having it 3-4 times a week, you might have trouble forming new memories.  It’s not that you won’t form any, just a little fuzzy.

All of things add up to a DRIVING RESTRICTION. They will not let you drive during the course of treatment. She said it doesn’t matter how you GET to the appointment but afterwards they will not allow you to take a cab/taxi, uber, lyft or by bus and you cannot drive yourself. You absolutely NEED SOMEONE TRUSTED/CLOSE TO YOU TO DRIVE YOU HOME.

ALSO, if you have a history of any heart problems, you are at risk of sudden death because when they induce the seizures, your blood pressure and heart rates goes up. For young healthy people, there is almost no risk of this happening.

There are the normal/common risk of anesthesia (Like waking up). They usually give you Brevital (which puts you to sleep) and Succinylcholine (to relax your muscles before the procedure). The muscle relaxant will stop your breathing but she said it’s nothing to worry about since they will be pumping air into your lungs manually via bag mask and will be closely monitoring you which luckily means no invasive breathing tube.Then they deliver the stimulus, which induces the seizure and then you slowly wake up after that. If the timing is wrong or the dosing is wrong, there is a SMALL but serious risk that you can wake up but still feel paralyzed. They monitor your heart rate and they try to make sure you are completely out beforehand but it’s still a risk.

The worst symptoms after the procedure is headaches and nausea, which they will usually give you medication for and usually is the worst after the first treatment.

You will have an IV in your hand, before you go in, the nurse will make sure you have not eaten or drank anything in 8 hours.

They will talk to you for a few minutes to make sure you are okay and know whats going on. During this time they will put the IV in and inform you if there is any changes they need to make with anesthesia, then they administer the anesthesia. They will then induce the seizure (they usually start with a right unilateral which means they just do the right side of your brain and can change it to a bilateral procedure which is both sides of the brain later in treatment if needed) and the way they tell if you have seizured is by:

1.) putting EEG leads on your head so they can see your brain waves and

2.) They use a blood pressure cuff as a tourniquet around your ankle to stop the muscle relaxant from going into your foot so they can see that foot have a seizure.

Afterwards, they roll you out to the recovery room where you come down from the anesthesia which takes about 20 minutes.

The medical work-up and requirements before you schedule the procedure is a signed document from your PCP (Primary Care Physician) which they fax over, bloodwork, pregnancy test, and an EKG test (they will need a physical copy of the EKG tracings).

-END OF APPOINTMENT-

I hope this is useful info for someone out there!

If anyone has any questions, feel free to ask.