#i am dumping my depression caused by loving Luo Binghe too much

[kirie-mitsuru]

First of all, I love Luo Binghe with every fiber of my being and I just want him loved so thoroughly that he can't, not even for a second, doubt that he is loved.

Which is why I need to know if Shen Qingqiu is explicitly banned by the system to tell anything to LBH? I read through the novel twice, but I don't remember this being a thing. I am too emotionally damaged by how traumatized my pure LBH is by everything SQQ did to him and them not talking about everything that happened between them at all even until the very end. Unless they did and I missed it??

By things, I mean:

1. Why LBH has to go through the Abyss

2. Why SQQ assumes LBH is the cause of everything going wrong to SQQ during Jin Lan arc

3. Why SQQ keeps rejecting LBH presence even after knowing tht LBH loves him as a lover

4. Why LBH lost all trust in SQQ after the many lies and rejection LBH went through

5. Why SQQ restrains his affection even when they are already a couple

6. Why SQQ still lets the rest of the sect and the human realm people bad mouth LBH despite knowing how wrong they are abt LBH

(Warning: The rest is just my word vomit on my frustration over their nonexistent communication and why I feel they need it, so don't read the rest if it bothers you! Read the tags before you read the rest at least.)

I love BingQiu only because I can't see LBH truly happy w anyone else and I know tht SQQ actually loves all of LBH, the good and the bad, throughout the novel. It's just his denial and so called God's POV blinding him from seeing LBH as himself instead of what SQQ expects from LBH.

It happened, I get it. Teen angst (from both of them, SQQ is in his early 20ies too), realization, character growth and all that, but it does not change the fact that probs ard 90% of LBH trauma is caused by SQQ.

Like being put, going through, and surviving this universe ver of Hell (which I think Shang QingHua glazed through w convenient time skip in PIDW?) because of and for SQQ. Watching the love of his life die in his arms for him and because of him (even though LBH is equally clueless on what even happened during Jinlan arc until he tortures the truth out of the Old Palace master)(and multiple times too). Believing that he is being hated and feared by the love of his life because of his genetics or gender, which he have 0 say on and painful coz no one else seems to care about gender for couples in the novel besides SQQ so how else would LBH translate tht as nothing but an excuse for SQQ to reject him.

Oh, of course, not forgetting Xin Mo, the mind corrupting OP sword that constantly tries to take control of LBH's mind, which SQQ was looking forward to for LBH to acquire to be OP despite knowing what it does to its user.

(Personally, the scene where LBH secretly watch SQQ, who just ordered him to go away, laugh and say nothing as everyone bad mouth LBH before agreeing to stay for these people after treating LBH like a shameful secret that he don't want anyone to know was the most painful betrayal SQQ had done. Because, at this point, SQQ knows LBH loves him and has been pursing him all these time instead of wishing SQQ harm, yet he never even try to clarify this to his sect siblings, laughing instead when they insult LBH. This scene hurts me so much because how can SQQ eff up so quickly after acknowledging that he had broke LBH's heart so so many times into thousands of pieces just a few minutes before. Does the realization mean nothing at all to SQQ? I hate SQQ a little bit here even tho I know he didn't mean anything and is just too lazy too correct these many ppl and hates confrontation. At least he knew he eff-ed up when he knew LBH was listening)

I get why SQQ does the thing he did which he does w the underlying intention of 'helping' LBH get all the good things he deserve (nevermind that SQQ's definition of best is never what LBH wants for himself) (a painfully perfect example of the path to hell is paved with good intentions), but LBH doesn't know and he deserve to know if only to help him overcome or minimize his trauma.

I'm also sad that the main reason SQQ misunderstood LBH so much and expects the worst out of LBH is not even because of what LBH did. It's mainly the result of him reading abt Luo Bingge, punishment from the system, and his own cowardice to stop denying the truth. The only part LBH eff up is the blood parasite torture in the water jail thing, his blackening to the point 'lets end the world so there is only me and shizun' (which technically is due to the myriad of trauma caused by SQQ) and the last dub con scene which technically is orchestrated by the system due to SQQ's choice... why don't SQQ even expect it tho, all of his choices via the system prompts always led to him seducing LBH or in compromising situation w LBH and its the deluxe scene smtg...

... Yet the ending is just SQQ declaring he will always go wherever LBH go from now on (which he broke soon after coz LBH has to go to the demon realm and SQQ stays in the sect in the extras, which led to Luo Bingge showing up). Also, the extra just shows LBH acting pitiful to get affection and attention from SQQ (which is sad that he needs to be like this to get affection from SQQ, especially when internally SQQ 100% wants to pamper and love LBH already), their abrupt and private marriage.

Please, if I miss any scene they actually talk about their issues, do enlighten me.

(If there is any fanfic of them actually communicating w SQQ acknowledging his mistakes outloud and comforting LBH, or of SQQ 100% spoiling LBH, or going balistic when LBH is hurt, or dead LBH -especially considering tht his halo means near 100% his death caused by some form of suicide- which leaves crazy SQQ suffering and regreting everything he did to LBH, tell me too! I may or may not love yandere-for-LBH SQQ hehe. .)