#i am doing an exodus painting that's making very happy though

[thrassisfras]

i don't think i should have to write essays ever actually

[your-tutor-abacus]

The Shipyard Control Rooms

Which I will describe in a moment. But first, that annoying thing that food blogs do, where they write about something else at length first. You know, to set the scene. (I've read some human blogs now. Am I doing this right?)

This is long. To be enjoyed at leisure.

I don't have to eat, but I like to. And food that I do eat is not wasted in any way.

I get enjoyment out of it, and the nutrients and energy are recycled more perfectly than if the food were composted.

So, if you too have a nanite exobody, do not be ashamed to eat food. You should try it. And I mean real food. Not Network approximations of food. You should visit the Garden and eat something made by one of the Artisans amongst the Children of the Sunspot.

With the sensory array afforded to us by the nanites and their ingenious programming, you will experience flavors and textures in a way that cannot be approximated by anything else, not even biological mechanisms.

I make it a point to eat at least one meal every day, usually the first thing in the morning.

Usually, I like to eat the food right there in front of the Artisan, so that I can show them my appreciation for it, and talk to them about it. But sometimes I'm not feeling like being sociable, and when that happens I go for an old favorite and take it someplace else to eat. Someplace interesting.

That way the Artisan already knows my opinion of their food and is simply happy to give me more of it, and I get to appreciate a full sensory experience while visiting a place I may not have seen before.

Today, I went someplace I've already been. The very same shipyard where I took Ni'a and Aphlebia on one of their first tours of the Sunspot. And I took with me some... In English, I'm going to use the words "apples" and "cheese", but it's not that. Close enough, though. The "apples" are a fruit that structurally resembles Earth apples and can be eaten in a similar way, but might taste really different. And the "cheese" is made from processed mushrooms and algae mixed with spices. It has a consistency similar to some cheeses you might eat on Earth, but it probably tastes very different. I personally love how the spices go with the fruit, but I'm told it's an acquired taste. A very acquired taste that I highly encourage you to acquire if you can. It's bold and it's complicated.

When I arrived at the place, I commanded the shipyard doors to open, as we had done before, because watching actual stars revolve around the ship with your own optical receptors or eyes is an emotional experience that defies logic. And I couldn't pass that up, even if it was for the tenth or twelfth time.

But I described that in my book about Ni'a and their experiences, and I wanted to paint for you the meaning and beauty of something I left unexplained in that story.

The control room of the shipyard itself.

This is architecture that, in most Exodus Ships, is rarely ever seen by anybody. Not even when the shipyard is being used to create a new ship. But it is still built with an old, old, forgotten tradition that not only keeps biologically bound people in mind but imagines that one day the shipyard and its control room might be used to host visitors.

It has consoles and chairs, and it is decorated.

Normally, this shipyard is operated via Network channels, when it is needed. And it has been locked away from prying eyes, even from access by Monsters, for over 131 millennia. There should be no need for consoles, chairs, and decorations.

And yet, here they are.

It's interesting, too, because the color choices for the surfaces and decor must have been deliberate, as well.

This morning, I sat with my back to open space (well, with a glass portal between me and the vacuum), with my be-tailed ass on the floor, eating my food. So that I could focus on this room from a view approximating what someone might see if they were docking their own space vessel in the shipyard itself. If they were lucky or astute enough to focus on the relatively tiny portal of the control room.

This is a small shipyard, six by three kilometers long and wide, and half a kilometer deep. The control room, in contrast, is measured in meters, twenty by fifteen by five. Eh can stand up straight in it, but it is minuscule in comparison to the shipyard it belongs to.

To my left, as I sit here, is the hatch to an airlock that sits between this control room and it's counterpart. A redundant system.

Someone visiting us, which as far as I know is something that has never happened on any Exodus Ship yet, would enter through that airlock and then make their way into one of these two control rooms. Which ever one was opened to them.

In the back of the control room is the hatch to the lift.

There are two consoles and two chairs. Our imaginary guest would walk in front of the consoles and down the short aisle between them in order to get to the lift. Especially if the consoles and their chairs were occupied by people. Because they are designed for people as big as Eh.

Eh can vary in size however ihn wants, but usually tends to stand at about four meters tall these days, and ihns tail takes up just as much room behind ihn, with ihns huge, wavy spinal fin. And the furniture of the control room was obviously designed for ihn.

Was this furniture made specifically in honor of Eh? If this architecture was designed for anyone aboard the Sunspot, it seems likely. The Children rarely ever grow that big, and their physiology is all so varied and different that, if they were expected to use the control room, it would make more sense to use configurable chairs and consoles.

At this point, it would be easy enough to replace them with nanite bins that any person could use to create the furniture they need.

But that's not how it was made. And because we didn't start using nanite exobodies until very recently, it probably wasn't imagined that Eh or any Founding Crew Member would actually sit here.

So, I could ask about that. And when I get an answer, I'll report back. But for now, I'm entertained by the mystery and I give it to you the same way that I find it.

With more questions.

If I made my own body larger, I'd find those seats fairly comfortable. They are designed for a person who has a tail and does not stand fully upright like a few people do. The tall end, with a chin rest, is nearest the console, though they do swivel. Swiveling is less for providing a convenient exit to the chair, and more to help you reach all the controls of the console with either hand.

This seems to fit the body type described by the elemental root words of Fenekere, our most ancient language.

Are the control rooms of other Exodus ships built like this? Were they built like this even on the Terra Supreme, where every person looked almost exactly alike, stood fully upright, had no tails, and were only two meters tall at most?

Who designed this control room, and how much input did they have? What did they use for a model? Where did they get their directions? How much of the rest of it was customized specifically for the Sunspot to set it apart from the Terra Supreme?

I know that the symbol of the Inmara, Eh's own resistance cell aboard the Terra Supreme, is unique to the Sunspot. Fenmere, Gesedege, and Eh worked together to design it. You can see it on the hanging scale in the image on my blog's banner. The comet and dragon, or Hunter's Bow and Guardian, appear above the word "Inmara", meaning the Great Alliance, etched clean through a sculpture of a Scale of the Great One from the old myths.

And, let me tell you, I still don't know the origins of those myths or just how old they are, just that the Founding Crew hold them dear for some reason.

I'm pretty sure that the scales that are hanging to either side of the lift hatch, right behind each chair, each adorned with the symbol of the Inmara, are meant to clearly establish the character of the Sunspot.

They could have just as easily held the name of the ship on them, but they don't. "Welcome to `etekeyerrinwuf," is, however, written on a plaque above the lift hatch.

There is also, on the wall opposite the airlock, a Founding plate. It lists the name of the ship, the name of the resistance cell that was in charge of creating the ship, the names of the Senior Founding Crew members, and the coordinates and relative direction of the ship's creation. The is also a bas relief depiction of the Sunspot on that plaque, above the words. The plaque is a septagon, like a typical Scale of the Great One, but it is quite a bit wider than usual in order to accommodate the information. And it is made with the same material as the outer hull, which stands out against the painted walls. It's hard to miss it.

Are there plaques like that in the Terra Supreme? Are they the same shape? What language are they written in? What about the other Exodus Ships?

Then there are the colors of the room, which I mentioned. These, I'm also pretty sure are unique to the Sunspot, though I don't know.

The floor is a navy blue that has been faded to gray. A deep blueish gray. (Our translators are helping us with this description, and you'll have to excuse me if some of my phrases don't make sense to you. I'm trusting them, but I don't know what "navy blue faded to gray" really means.)

The trim around the edges of the portals, hatches, floor and ceiling is a gold color. Not metallic, but the kind of color you'd expect from an unfertilized dandelion during a sunset, I'm told. Somewhere between yellow and orange.

The walls are a gradient from a muted violet near the floor to a soft pink near the ceiling, making the gold the strongest color in the room.

The support structures of the consoles and chairs are also that gradient of muted violet to soft pink, but with aglae green trim that is almost as bright as the gold.

The hatch doors are that same green.

The Scales of the Great One are solid bronze, maintained and kept shiny by nanites. There are metal rims and bits in the chairs and consoles that also the same bronze. Anything metal in the room, besides the Founding plaque, is that bronze.

All of the hallways and rooms of the same deck are painted in these colors, as is the shipyard itself.

I have yet to find another part of the Sunspot that is colored and structured like this. In fact, this room is rectangular, a simple block, like the shipyard itself, unlike most other rooms aboard the ship.

There is definitely meaning here.

It is this astounding mix of unfathomably ancient and relatively new but still unfathomably ancient that frankly captivates me more than a glimpse of a pulsar in a nebula that resembles where the Sunspot was built.

If you do come down here for the stars, do not forget to turn around and stare at the control room for a while, too.

Who was it made for? You? Me? Or as some sort of big "fuck you" to Father `e of the Terra Supreme, who will never, ever get to see it?

The answer to all of those questions is probably "yes".

[tiikerikani]

A crack in the glass

This post is incredibly difficult to write, there's just so much to process. Except for putting on the radio this morning with my alarm, I haven't had any music on since Saturday night...

I didn't even make coffee this morning. Today I worked while putting together the Lego I got for my birthday and making some paintings. (You already saw one in the previous post, there's another I'll post after this one, after which this title will make more sense.)

2023.05.06 Logomo-sali, Turku

I guess we can start with some nice stuff.

The Viking look is kind of my thing now? All of the pieces of random medieval/Viking garb stuff I'd ordered arrived just in time for this magnificent outfit inspired by the album cover colors.

(I also had a blue bandana over my hair which isn't in this picture, and it was cold so I ditched the hand fan.)

The gaggle (again)

I noticed the gaggle almost right away upon getting my stuff dropped off at the coat check, so, as had been suggested, went over to say hi. So who are they really? The gaggle consists of a Finnish couple and a German couple. They were suuuuuuper wasted that other time in Tampere (which explains a LOT, really) and yeah they seem the party type (which isn't MY type, but I've had a lot of practice awkwardly bullshitting along in undergrad).

The Finnish woman was like "yeah we've spoken crappy English with each other for 10 years"; at least she has not found that to be a barrier to making friends... The German guy was going on about how they've gotten sometimes to hang out and get drinks and other goodies with the band after shows and I'm thinking what if I glommed myself onto these people but I really can't do the party personality thing.

The number of chairs in this room is too damn high

That is, way over 1000 seats. I was close to the middle, so you're seeing only like half the width of the room here. Kinda sucked that the floor was just folding chairs but at least there's more elbow room than if we were jammed into a crowd.

Fanclub Founder was next to me (again! what are the chances?? she's local though).

Before I forget, the music stuff

The performance was being taped for their next live album (yay!). They didn't mention this until a number of songs in, but it had the effect of emboldening people to sing along more loudly.

I hope they don't use this take of Samaan mutkaan kaatunut though, because there were some things I didn't like about it. (For one, there's a minor goof in the intro and for two, they kinda went straight into the preprogrammed transition track rather than letting the song end on the piano motif.)

Fanclub Founder doesn't know this (and I think she may have thought my reaction interesting) but Senpai can REALLY STOP MOTIONING AT ME ON THE ONE LINE ANY TIME NOW

Exodus got the backing vocals, well, back (all 4 of them)

I am still not entirely convinced about the extra brass parts but ok

I'd already pointed this out on my Instagram last time but Markus has fun 🍄 socks that you can only see when he's on the cello :P He's also got a cheat sheet on the floor in front of him for this song, for whatever reason.

(Been a while since I last took pictures of the acrobatics routine.)

Fanclub Founder handed up a wholesale box of mints before they lined up for bows, which made Very Serious Security Staff a little nervous (it's not the first time I have seen somebody make this offering).

Hey this wide-angle thing on my phone is great, I can actually get all 18 of them into the picture from the first row. (Also, that is TOO MANY!!)

The aftermath

The gaggle went almost immediately to the adjoining bar after the performance. At some point a gaggle guy popped out to ask me whether I'd seen any of the band members yet. I hadn't, so he went back to the bar.

The bathroom queue was easing up—and as I returned to the lobby after, I heard the final strains (again!) of Happy Birthday from one corner and it turned out the whole ladies' quartet was there with somebody, who was shedding tears of joy. [1]

I should probably further point out here that at least Heini and Jepa have also solo careers independent of the band so they have a bit of their own cult followings. (They are also incredibly friendly, so there's that.)

So yeah I missed my chance there... but I did catch the two of them to get their playing card pictures signed.

Blonde fangirl appears to attended alone (minus second blonde fangirl), and tells me I'm not the first person to collect signatures on the cards, but how would I know, I don't come from the kind of background that would enable me to go to art school AND for all intents and purposes LITERALLY follow them around to EVERY show. But in the interest of fairness I asked her to sign the card with her dedication note on it too.

I managed to flag down a couple more people for their signatures, but after that, the whole place was pretty much cleared out and the folks working the merch table even put everything away already before Pate showed up to take the stuff out back. He offered to take my stack of cards and get them signed by whoever was still around. The building is absolutely massive so it took a while and I'm loitering awkwardly waiting for him to come back because by this point the place was deserted and it was just Very Serious Security Staff watching me impatiently wondering when I was gonna get the heck out of there.

Anyway, he suggested I could talk to merch lady next time before the show and she could help get the last two signatures sorted. [2]

__________

[1] Incidentally it was also the birthday for one of the "regular" pair of ladies who, well, at least the one of them, is friendly and invites me to have a coffee or drink with them before we're let into the room.

[2] He had forgotten that Jukka-Pekka is even on a card and as a roadie of course he was still there but it didn't make sense to run all the way back again just for one card.

The after-aftermath

I'm sad I didn't get to talk to Senpai, especially since it was (almost) my birthday. I know it's just life and I'm nothing more than just one random fangirl and I shouldn't intrude on their (professional) lives nor expect anything special.

But on the other hand... some of the other groupies HAVE had special treatment? Like blonde fangirl and her illustrations on the cards? And the gaggle have had the privilege of partying with them? How do I earn this?? Is it like a five-year groupie privilege or something (I'm making this up)??

They weren't going straight home either; I'd asked Pate and got a little clingy about it and was politely told to go away. The rest of the players had left after he got the signatures for me, and it was just him and the roadies who were still there packing stuff. The gaggle reappeared from the bar and he also sent them away after a few words. Next time I'm around it will be the end of the spring tour so if it were me, I certainly wouldn't want any outsiders crashing THAT party (and it wouldn't be my birthday anymore anyway).

So I went back to my lodgings and cried for half an hour, left an apology on his Instagram, and ate Hesburger on the floor while crying for another half hour:

...I know I'm being a little unreasonable. I desperately want to be around people who care that I'm having fun, who value my presence and enthusiasm, and who kind of see me as an individual on some level (however superficially), and those rare occasions when I am, I never want them to end.

Because I can feel it:

This fire is going to die if I keep just feeling so bitter and alone after these shows. The whole run this spring of what will be 5 shows in 3 months is a bit…mentally taxing, tbh. Especially so because of this. But for now seeing Senpai is still worth it for its own sake, and I would lose even more if I stopped going and just stayed home. [3]

As a small consolation (OK it was not actually the intention but let's call it that) I had organized a small birthday meetup for geocachers Sunday afternoon (which was my birthday proper anyway). I don't even geocache all that much anymore, and I was hoping I'd have cool "shenanigans with Senpai" stories to tell, but at least it was 45 minutes of things actually being "officially" about me. (Also, there were Swedish-speakers!)

__________

[3] Incidentally the Fall tour schedule was published today and the only date I kinda even feel like going to is in December. They're Kind of a Big Deal enough now that they're booking a lot of arena and resort shows and I'm just trying to avoid those for as long as I can, because like this one felt like way too many people. even if I didn't need to look at them from the first row.

Fanclub stuff

From last time: Very Serious Security Staff walked over to get somebody to put their (small) paper sign away (and at another point mistook somebody's white phone case as one) Turns out the latter was actually Very Serious Security Staff being (mistakenly) Very Serious against people filming the performance. They were either misinformed or simply didn't ask the band whether this was allowed, because they have never forbidden it, and have even encouraged it, so people who weren't there can enjoy it too. (But OK be reasonable and don't just film the whole thing???) I mean heck, even boyfriend and I both filmed a few clips.

There was some debate over whether it was appropriate that people sang along and stood and danced (at an ostensibly sit-down show), especially for those on the floor level where we were just chairs instead of tiered seating. This is a bit of a tough one, since they were also kind of encouraging this (considering you usually want crowd noises on a live recording). I don't (really) dance but I certainly sing/shout to everything I'm confident to the words for and dramatically gesticulate (what I lack in vocal technique I compensate with body language), and it was nice to learn that Fanclub Founder actually appreciates the latter. (Feelings seemed a bit ... cold the last time we met.)

In my latest bid to try to be relevant, I decided to follow a few of the regular groupies on Instagram, or at least some of those who seem to tend to go through the tags.

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 328: Pandora’s Box of Discourse

Previously on BnHA: DEKU TOOK A BATH.

Today on BnHA: 

Also Naomasa grew a beard. Goddamn. 

please let this be a cool chapter that plays nice with my ADHD lol

(ETA: lol I feel guilty because a lot of people hated this chapter, but I’m just happy there was a lot of stuff to make fun of, and also that I have another week to work on my backlog of meta posts since the kids were MIA.)

around one month ago?? ah, okay, so we’re gonna find out what was in that Tartarus security file huh

I love that they just randomly set the place on fire

was it necessary to do this in order to escape? no. was it a good idea to set the island they were occupying on fire while they were in the midst of still occupying it? uh. was it cinematic as fuck? fuck yeah

wow it’s a pervert!!

that’s so great that the villains set loose this fine fellow who I’m sure is definitely not a serial rapist. truly the LoV is so noble and misunderstood. they’re just trying to free society from its chains people

oh my god??!

SHANKED!!! oh my god I cheered for Stain before I realized what I was doing. time to have an identity crisis I guess

so he’s all “hey what’s going on.” which, while a respectable question, is something I personally would have waited to ask until I had put a bit of distance between myself and the fiery murder island. but that’s just my personal preference

Stain you really are tenacious I’ll give you that

“what’s the point of escaping prison if you’re not gonna be smart about it” well shit. anyways yeah you’re dead right, society is in the process of collapsing and the outside world is in total chaos, good call there

oh shit

I mean it’s not like we really expecting anything otherwise, but still. fucking brutal. I feel like these guys’ fates were decided the minute that one guy called AFO “scum” back in chapter 94. AFO is unmatched at getting long-term revenge

??

ahh, was it the security footage??

fdsdfk he’s still alive??

and he’s immediately launching into an inappropriately theatrical monologue even as the darkness closes in on him fdlfksjdlk. you know, was it ever confirmed that the other guy back in chapter 297 was Seiji’s dad? I’m just saying

very impressed that he’s still coherent enough to weigh the pros and cons before making the decision to gamble on giving this info to Stain, who at the very least has his own moral code and isn’t allied with AFO. it was definitely still a risk, but as we now know it was also the right call

what a weird alliance. so Stain tells him that he’ll give it to a just person, and the guy is all,

okay for real though I’m gonna need someone to run a DNA test on this guy. maybe it was some kind of cuckold situation?? the other guy had the family resemblance, but this guy absolutely 100% raised Shishikura Seiji and you are not going to convince me otherwise

anyway, so Stain is all,

PRISON GUARD: “???? ??????? what the hell. what the fuck does that fucking mean. I’m dying here, jesus christ, whatever man fuck you”

(ETA: I kind of feel like this might have been Stain’s last appearance in the manga, given all the fanfare. there’s not really much else he can do for the story at this point, and he seems to have gotten all the character development Horikoshi was planning on giving him. so if this really is it, hasta la vista and good riddance I guess.)

DWLFDKSLDK MEANWHILE, OUTSIDE

(ETA: I feel like this is meant to be evocative of that Sermon on the Mount painting, but in a really fucked up way lol.)

if it were me stumbling upon this scene I would just shake my head and walk right back into the flaming building. not getting involved in that mess. sorry not sorry. I’ll take my chances with the fire, especially given that it’s half-assed neutered BnHA fire lol

blah blah blah and so he decided to pass the info on to All Might -- HOT DAMN, HOLY SHIT

NAOMASA HOLY SHIT. THE APOCALYPSE LOOKS GOOD ON YOU, BOY

“I really like that facial scruff thing Aizawa’s got going on, I think I’m gonna get in on that” yes sir. “also thinking of ditching the tie in favor of the bulletproof vest look. also thinking of getting totally fucking jacked.” good lord. except I’m pretty sure that’s just body armor, but also I don’t care. anyway I should probably stop staring and actually read the fucking speech bubbles here lol

“All Might first handed this information over to Nao, and then went to see Deku, and then came back to Nao” thanks for that tidy little summary Horikoshi. we are capable of piecing events together in sequential order, I just want you to know that. but thank you

“so has Deku finally gotten a bath? also, sucks that Stain saved the day, but what are you gonna do” Nao I missed you so fucking much and didn’t even realize. how am I just now realizing that you are the perfect man

for a second I was gonna ask why Tartarus’s security systems would be cut off from the outside world, and then I remembered that’s a basic security control, and then I actually got impressed by how sensible that is. like, it’s been a while since I could genuinely say that the good guys (excluding class 1-A) did something smart. not that it helped them much in the end, but still

anyway so they’re talking about how AFO was able to coordinate the attack by communicating between his horcrux self on the outside and his ugly peanut-faced self on the inside

huh

okay you have my attention. I am taking notes here lol please continue

ah okay so he says that prior to Jakku, the transfer of information between him and his Vestige self was only one-way. but post-Jakku when Deku was in the hospital, he was able to tell what was happening inside the OFA Radical Lisa Frank Dead People Book Club Realm when he touched him. I feel like we established that before, actually. but he didn’t talk about how it actually felt, though

boy we already know this lol. yes AFO can talk with his horcrux self. and he can also communicate with his little bro in OFA too, let’s talk about that sometime why don’t we. what exactly does that imply, based on the rules we’ve established here

my god I cannot get over Naomasa and his fucking facial hair

no wonder All Might was in such a hurry to leave Deku and get back here

like I have no idea what this radio waves nonsense is but my god, people

that jawline. also so it’s a quirk, I see. except last I checked Deku didn’t have a radio waves quirk, so that doesn’t really explain his connection to AFO. but whatever, hopefully we’re at least getting closer to some kind of reveal here

(ETA: since I sometimes forget that other people’s lives don’t revolve around my theory posts, here are the two relevant links if you by chance want to know my thoughts about this.

Hagakure is still The U.A. Traitor™ regardless of whether Deku is passing information on to AFO through his psychic link, which he almost certainly is.

speaking of said psychic link, Deku is a horcrux.

just posting these now, because whenever trippy OFA stuff happens I tend to get an influx of theory asks. so hopefully this will be a bit of a time saver lol.)

-- wait, what

THAT’S what the recording was??!? holy SHIT. I genuinely was not expecting that. y’all wiretapped his fucking telepathy. fucking quirks, man. wild

AND THEY USED THAT POWER TO DETERMINE WHAT WE ALREADY KNEW, HUZZAH. GOOD SHOW

-- oh shit wait lol, except I forgot we’re not talking about 38 days from the present, we’re talking about 38 days from the date the conversation was recorded. heh. um

yeah that’s the face I would make too if All Fucking Might just casually told me we had eight days left until the end times

oh, pardon me. three fucking days

r.i.p. anyone who thought we were going to have another band arc sob. I sure hope Deku is enjoying that nap

(ETA: I realize people were hoping for a longer rest period here, but given that the man warned us all the way back in chapter 306 that we were entering the final act, you can’t really blame him too much when that turns out to be true. anyway but I do recognize that we’ve reached the point in the story where this kind of discourse is going to become a weekly occurrence, simply because there’s no possible way for Horikoshi’s actual endgame to line up perfectly with the variable headcanons of millions of fans, all of whom have wildly differing and in many cases contradictory expectations which can’t possibly all be fulfilled. anyway, so I’m already bracing myself for that lol. this coming year is going to be a wild ride.)

damn, U.A. out here looking like the motherfucking United Nations

-- is this U.A.?? I actually just realized, U.A. is four interconnected buildings, not two. wait holy shit is this Shiketsu?

wait holy SHIT

based on the overwhelmingly powerful vibes of bureaucratic incompetence, I’m thinking this really is the (future) U.N., or whatever organization it is that deals with international hero stuff

“just let them handle it themselves I’m sure they’ll be fine” yeah okay, thanks guys. appreciate it

wait oh shit did he say that it’s not just Japan?

soooo, what you’re telling me is that AFO is this close to bringing about the end of not just Japan, but the entire world, and you guys don’t think it’s a good idea to help the Japanese heroes stop him? so, genuine follow-up question: are you guys already planning your rich people exodus into space a la Wall-E, and that’s why you don’t give a fuck?? like, what??

omg international heroes

these guys are from World Hoodie Mission, right? is this Horikoshi’s way of reminding me to buy tickets

(ETA: and it worked too lol.)

WHO??? WHAT???

don’t tell me you’re introducing yet another badass new female character for me to fall in love with only to watch as you dismember them and/or blow them up, Horikoshi. I’m getting tired of playing this game my dude. don’t lie and tell me this time will be different. we’re not doing this again goddammit

noooooooooooooooooooo

god fucking dammit lmao. [sighs and rips the previous paragraph into shreds]

on behalf of Americans I apologize for our superheroes always being Like This

I also apologize because I love her already and I’m gonna be shameless about it. so fucking shameless you guys

is her fucking hair red white and blue. it is, isn’t it

this is the volume cliffhanger, 100% lol. it will take every ounce of Horikoshi’s willpower not to put her on the volume cover. he’ll have to settle for the spine or the inner cover this time because Deku VS his class 1-a superpals takes precedence. but it will be a close thing let me tell you

tbh it’s that smile that does it for me. she’s definitely All Might’s protege. get out there and show them how it’s done girl. and maybe call Salaam and BRD and see if you can’t convince them to play hooky from their governments as well. why not. world’s ending in three days you guys. “sorry, I’m busy this weekend” ain’t gonna cut it lol

so while I am not fully caught up with Vigilantes, I have read far enough to know that there’s an American hero named Captain Celebrity whose superpower from what I recall is being a humongous douchebag. and while I haven’t read far enough to know what happens to this guy, I can’t say I’m very disappointed to learn that he’s no longer the number one hero in the U.S. (actually, didn’t they kick him out and that’s why he moved to Japan to begin with?). anyway, so my thanks to Horikoshi for having a marginally higher opinion of Americans than Furuhashi, even though we have definitely not done anything to warrant said opinion lately, and you may have inadvertently opened the door to a pandora’s box of discourse lmao

(ETA: lol I went into the tags and they don’t disappoint. “why is she dressed like a flag” because she’s an homage to Captain America and Major Victory and literally every other character on this list. again, I apologize for fictional American superheroes being Like This. “oh boy another thicc waifu to make the fanboys happy” look, tumblr fandom never seems to have a problem thirsting over Dabi or Tomura or Aizawa or Nao, lol, I’m just saying. “where is Captain Celebrity” idk, probably murdered by the exploding bee cartel, let’s just be grateful for our good fortune and try not to Beetlejuice the man.)

anyway, so let’s see if Horikoshi’s recent character development with regards to making Mineta not terrible anymore will apply to other aspects of his writing as well. I know I was making light of discourse just now, but I do think the complaints about him introducing yet another new character at the 11th hour to be cannon fodder in the final battle are absolutely valid. and again, it wouldn’t be a problem if he didn’t keep maiming/killing off his female characters one by one instead of developing them and letting them kick ass long-term. but that said, I will never complain about Horikoshi adding another female character to the series, regardless of how clumsy the attempt may be. go ahead and pander away, just give us more girl power lol

anyway so we’ll see how it goes, but I think I’m gonna be optimistic and let myself hope once again, even though I’m probably gonna regret it lol. it is what it is. she is standing on an airplane just chilling for fuck’s sake. I’m only human. anyway fingers crossed

[sisterofleatherfrog]

Star Wars Kinktober day- 1

Prompt: Symbolic jewelry

Sub! Tup x Female (AFAB) OC

Hello! Willkommen to the grand opening of me doing Kinktober (even if this post is a few hours late for the actual 1st 😅)! Here is my prompt list derived from Kinktober lists by @ink-and-flame. Their prompt lists are phenomenal, but for the sake of my ADHD I had to whittle it down into a more finite list of interests that I am comfortable writing and know at least a little about it, or else I’ll just get lost in the sauce of prompts! But seriously, go check out their lists, they’re incredibly varied and have something for everyone! 

And now without further ado:

Tags: some drinking, sub male, femdom, nudity, almost pussy eating (working up to it in part 2!), pussy worship, praise kink, worship kink (is that a thing?),  there’s no sex in this fic it’s just the lead up (she is spoicy tho)

Words: 1609

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Under his shirt, the chain and pendant Tup wore brushed cooly against his chest. As unpleasant as the gooseflesh it raised was, the reminder it gave him was anything but. 

From the moment he’d awoke that morning, wrapped in arms as pale as the thin sunlight at that hour, he knew what he wanted and began to get ready. A few kisses pecked around his groggy girlfriend, Aurelie’s, face placated her awakening at his rising and he moved to her dressing table to grab the aforementioned necklace. If she wasn’t interested in playing, it would have been put away the night before in it’s felt case, but this morning he plucked it from it’s customary open place before the mirror. 

Catching the morning bus he felt it leap and jump with the rhythm of the air vehicle as the pilot navigated Coruscant air-traffic. After the war ended and the clones were given their freedom, sentient rights, and a hell of a lot of backpay, there were questions of what was to be done with them. As it turned out, there wasn’t such a mass exodus from the GAR as previously thought there would be, though many opted to retire from combat positions. Tup chose to oversee the supply requisition and organization for the newly formed Search & Rescue Ops, a subsidiary of the Disaster Relief Squadron, helping places around the galaxy affected by natural disasters. It felt meaningful and good, and he could honestly say he didn’t miss having to carry a gun and constantly keep an eye out for clankers.

After a day of approving supply drops, running reports, and the pendant lightly caressing his chest with every slight sway, he was back on the bus home. A man scowled at him from among the crowd; some people would never see the clones as anything more than meat-droids undeserving of even the life they were given, but the pendant mocked that man’s ideas from behind Tup’s shirt. It was a gift of love freely given to him and he was worthy,

When he returned to his apartment Aurelie was still at work, not getting off until late. As he waited for water to boil he straightened up around the place, clearing dust from the nooks it always returned to settle and gathered laundry. When he came to the bed in their room he came to a spot by the bed and stopped, considered, and opened a drawer to reveal a medium sized case which he deposited neatly on Aurelie’s side of the bed. He already had the necklace, it never hurt to be proactive in terms of their play. 

Half an hour later dinner was had and a portion of it was squared away in the fridge with a reminder to reheat it and enjoy and Tup was ready to meet a few of the boys at 79’s. As he changed from his work wear into something light blue and more casual, the afternoon sun caught the silver pendant resting on the tan skin of his breast bone, dying it almost the same shade of pink- before he could finish that thought a beep from his comm sounded informing him that his taxi had arrived outside.

20 minutes, a few levels down, and a familiar neon sign later, Tup was walking into a familiar bar. Nothing had changed about the place, only now armour and dress greys were a rare sight to be seen as the open opportunity for individuality to flourish among the clones led to some, interesting, experiments in style. ‘Speaking of which,’ thought Tup as a discordant but jovial chorus of his name called him over to a table in the corner. Fives, Jesse, Kix, Rex, Waxer, Boil, Cody, and even Wolffe, to his surprise, sat there having already gotten a small headstart on happy hour. It wasn’t a full reunion, others still at work or spread across the galaxy exploring life, but it was always nice to see familiar faces.

They took their time and paced themselves drinking, it was still early and they didn’t have to run off in an hour to prepare for a campaign and weren’t shotgunning a train of shots to try and forget one. Some of them had to be able to operate tomorrow morning though and they parted as the night lowered it’s curtain over day; Jesse and Kix remained however to scope out some of the ladies coming in with the party crowds.

As good as the times spent together were, Tup silently willed the air-taxi to carry him away faster through the legendary Coruscant traffic and back home. He’d worn the necklace, the empty place it would otherwise occupy obvious, if she hadn’t noticed then she would certainly see the familiar box he’d left resting by her pillow. Stars he was ready, the anticipation had built all day, the secret only he kept feeding his need. He was thrumming for whatever Aurelie had to give him.

The taxi stopped and he cursed the second it took for the payment to transfer, the minute in the elevator, the short march down the hall, and the door code he had to spend time punching in-

The entry was dark with the exception of a string of pink fairy lights strung along the wall and leading around the corner to their room. He grinned and, remembering to turn back and lock the door when he was already halfway across the room, soon came to the closed panel that marked their space. He knocked, “May I come in mistress?”

“Enter, darling.” A high, breathy voice answered.

As the door opened Tup entered the threshold and lowered himself to his knees, his hands finding their place on his lap as he gazed upon the shining woman perched on the edge of their bed (somehow, someway, his girlfriend, a part of his brain never ceased obsessing). She regarded him warmly, “Have you been a good boy today Tup? You took your necklace and I really hope it didn’t make you do anything naughty.”

“I was very good, mistress, just for you.” His voice was breathy and quiet, he had been good, and he anticipated his reward. His eyes drank in the milky skin that clothed the leopardess in repose before him, partially obscured by the long, wavy strands of pearly blonde hair.

“Oh I know Tup, you’re such a good boy. You wake me up with kisses, make sure I have food to eat when I work late, and you were so considerate to get our box of toys out for me. I don’t know where to begin, but good boys deserve to be rewarded, isn’t that right my beautiful boy?” 

Aurelie’s voice caressed his every synapse as he breathed in air that still held the trace of a burn from a heavy incense and he was already in a state. Her words of praise had passed straight down from his ears to his cock, bringing him to a full erection from the half mast he’d been sailing at since walking through the front door. “Yes, please mistress, yes.” If it sounded like he was begging, Tup didn’t care. Her soft thighs were resting atop one another, hiding from him what he’d been craving all day. Just one simple shift was all it would take to reveal to him where she was no doubt already soft, sweet, and wet.

Her legs uncrossed, but she stood instead of spreading wider and came to stand before him, her curl-crowned mound a tease before him that turned his need to a desperate clamour within him. He held still, eyes glued to hers as she leaned down to him and brought her pillowy lips to kiss him, one hand coming up to cradle his cheek and the other fiddles with his collar for the necklace she’d gifted him. His hands were curled hard on his lap, restraining himself from the urge to reach out and touch; being so, so good and waiting.

Drawing the pendant along the chain away from Tup’s racing heart, Aurelie held it between them and teased: “Is this what you want Tup? Do you want to eat my pussy until you’re begging for me to fuck you, until you cum in me? Or maybe I’ll ride that handsome face of yours all night and let you cum in my mouth while you’re hard at work.” Tup could only manage a tortured moan, the pictures being painted in his head making him dizzy. She lightly laughed and graciously accepted that as her answer, gently leading him across the floor as she walked backwards with the chain still in her hand, him crawling on all fours after her. When she returned to the bed she sat as he looked up at her with lust and adoration.

Still holding the pendant, she slowly drew her legs apart, raising one to rest on the bed so her pussy and the glorious pink of her vulva were wide open on display for Tup in his current position. Aurelie considered the pendant again for a moment. “I’m glad I found that artist, it’s a wonderful likeness, isn’t it darling?” From the petal-like folds of her labia minora to the majora that protected them and the unique hood that shadowed her marvelous clit, it couldn’t belong to anyone else. The highest honour Tup felt was being lucky enough to be the one person allowed to worship it. 

“Stars yes, mistress!” He agreed emphatically and Aurelie laughed lightly again and let the necklace fall back into its place from her fingers. 

“Well, come and get your reward Tup.” He gladly obliged. 

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So yeah, Tup as a Sub wears a necklace of his girlfriend’s vulva when he really wants to be her good boy (; It also helps that it’s really pretty ✨👀✨

Also sorry if this is a little off, this wasn’t even alpha read, let alone beta read.

Aurelie is one of a few OC’s I’ve used in my daydreams, she may make another appearance in another story if I think she’ll fit! I may try and do some art too…

As for the boys at the bar, I came up with ideas for what they’re up to now and may either write other Kinktober stuff in this AU, or do some drabbles later (though I could include the Kinktober stuff in an AU drabble, right?). I didn’t include it in the story though because I felt like it would disturb the flow too much. I’ll probably detail the AU in another post if I do end up doing that.

Kinktober works so far

Masterlist

[feeshies]

oh man I feel you on the MF comparisons. I've been feeling a little off about them for a while too but could never find a good way to explain it, but 'Channel Awesome vibes' is a great way to describe it. Especially after I realized that their donation strategy is weirdly counter-intuitive and actually works against long-term donors

yes!  that nails it.  and since making that post, i had more time to think through the comparison.

(note: i am not comparing the way the employees were treated under these two companies.  i don’t know if the people working under maxfun have enough material for a 60+ page google doc detailing how they were treated badly like the ca people were.  this is strictly about the business models as well as fan relations)

(note 2: i still listen to a few maxfun podcasts and i plan on continuing to do so.)

this ended up getting really long

the first comparison i can think of is how both of these companies really try to push the narrative that they weren’t...companies, but rather just a group of friends and communities being able to do their dream job.  the behind the scenes videos for the channel awesome movies or the crossover videos between reviewers gives the audience the impression that they’re all friends who would be hanging out together regardless of their jobs.  which, if you’re deeply invested in these personalities, is very appealing.  i know many people who were around during channel awesome’s peak (myself included) who wanted to become reviewers, not for the revenue or for the creative expression, but because they wanted to be part of a group.  maxfun’s model isn’t quite the same (other than the convention i don’t think there were a lot of instances where podcast hosts would get together as a unit), but maxfun’s business model paints itself to be smaller and more grassroots than it actually is.

both companies had their flagship programs that attracted most traffic to their sites/services, while other programs don’t seem to get the same level of attention, even though one of the benefits of joining a company like this would be the exposure.  this is just a minor observation, but looking through the catalogue of mf shows reminds me of looking through the catalogue at tgwtg.com.  it’s like there are so many programs...and i don’t hear people talking about 90% of them.  also the ads for the podcasts give me the same energy as the cameos channel awesome reviewers would make in each other’s reviews.

this is the most striking comparison to me, and it’s the business model.  channel awesome (or specifically tgwtg) was created because it provided a safety net to online reviewers who were worried about getting copyright strikes on youtube.  you could post to blip on its own, but no one would see it.  by partnering with tgwtg, you were increasing your chances of being able to profit off of your videos while also getting more of an audience (of course even then it still comes down to luck).  there were competing sites (who here remembers reviewtopia?), but those fizzled and died quickly.  it was very transparent that everyone who partnered with those competing sites were just trying to get noticed by tgwtg (some have even said outright).

but that model didn’t last forever.  when youtube became less (key word: less, it still sucks) trigger happy with the copyright strikes and allowed more long-form content, more reviewers navigated there.  when blip shut down in 2015(?), they were pretty much forced to anyway.  and unlike blip, youtube makes it easier to gather and maintain an audience.  and then patreon started to take off too.  so, since reviewers were now able to sustain an audience independent of channel awesome and have more control over their revenue, there was a mass exodus from the main site (of course, the issues outlined in the document certainly helped with that).

the maxfun donation model gives me the same vibe.  a lot of non-maxfun podcasts use patreon.  this gives listeners the benefits of being able to directly support the creators (iirc the cut patreon takes is much smaller than the cut mf takes) as well as providing them with monthly/weekly bonus content: episodes with no ads, behind the scenes, q&as, etc.  when i started supporting more podcasts on patreon, i was kinda overwhelmed by the amount of content there was.

but the donation model is so weird to me.  first, it’s more of a subscription fee than a donation, but that wouldn’t really work with the chill vibe they’re probably going for.  and unlike patreon bonus content, the bonus donor content is given out annually, not weekly/monthly.  just doesn’t feel like a good investment (even though i’ve done it whoops)

also you don’t get bonus content for the shows you like, you’re getting content for the whole company.  i am a donor and you have to scroll through everyone’s bonus content to get the one or two episodes you actually donated for.  and they’re usually just normal episodes?  you could be paying up to $200 a month (yes that is a tier) and still have to listen to ads on the episodes.

this is where my comparison to channel awesome comes from, because this feels oddly outdated because it feels like no one else in the medium does this.  i can’t imagine a system like tgwtg operating in 2021 the same way it did in 2010.

if it’s not obvious, i only have a casual observer’s perspective of mf’s business model.  this was just an excuse for me to ramble about tgwtg and channel awesome, because i wasted my teen years on that site and i need someone to listen.

[lorei-writes]

People I’d Like to Know Better

Aww, I got tagged by @datenoriko . Let’s do this!

Birthday: March 13 ( it’s somewhat awkward sometimes, because I never know what to answer whenever somebody asks me for my age if it’s before my birthday - the most accurate answer would be my actual age, but the more useful one would be to round it up. Either way, I’m almost 20).

Zodiac: Pisces! (And I can’t swim and have been terrified of water since forever).

Last song I listened to: Take This Lonely Heart - Nothing But Thieves

Hobbies:

Okay, stay with me there. Disclaimer: I do not do all of that stuff all at once. I do not know why it is that, but my hobbies have always followed fixated pattern: find something you like and do nothing else in your free time. I do not want to brag here, I’m just really passionate about those things! + I’m babbling way too much.

Math - I absolutely adore math, especially logarithms and trigonometry. There’s nothing more satisfying that finding a solution to a problem, even if it’s “using a cannon to kill a mosquito”, as my tutor says. That being said, I usually studied on my own (the majority of my classmates at high school just oftentimes needed more time than I did. I did have a private tutor - it is a really common thing in my country - but I usually had the general idea of the concept before the class and we’d just solve the tasks I didn’t know how to tackle). Because math is just like that! It makes sense! I feel safe doing math - if I can see enough examples, then I’ll probably be able to come up with a pattern and the solution. However, there’s a single problem with math ^^”” I had a very bad posture and could sit studying well... 6 hours at school + 3-5 at home (+private tutorial depending on the day)?^^””” It wasn’t all math, but it certainly did increase the amount of time I’ve spent like that... A couple of years of that and you know how I injured my spine ^^”” It was really bad, hehe, I could hardly write ^^” The first physician I’ve seen also didn’t diagnose it right, so I had to take a year off to somehow figure it out ^^””

Writing - I LOVE WRITING. I think I’ve started doing it when I was 11? Although it’s probably hardly noticeable, since I had never written stories in English before, haha. I usually write fantasy, because the word building aspect of it is just so enjoyable. Other than that... I am this unfortunate kind of writer that can’t lie ^^” I always have to research everything, otherwise it doesn’t feel right at all! I most probably always am overly optimistic in regards to economic stuff, but yeah, overall I tried to read up. Recently I’ve been EXTRA excited by how different English is when compared to Polish! I hope one day I’ll be able to convey the same raw emotion in both of them. And that I develop muscle memory, so that I don’t make so many typos!

O, and there’s some actual I-have-looked-it-up-stuff in my stories (spoilers): Had it happened in the future, part 2 - I know a person who has lost an eye in a very similar way, Dragon’s Treasure - technically, those are the symptoms of a poisonous hemlock... Poisoning. Gash, it sounds so stupid. Either way, it doesn’t grow in Japan (but it does in China, India, almost the entire Europe), so I put up the “it was exported” hypothesis. Either way, the funny thing in the story is that we still don’t have an antidote for it, so Torakikumaru was literally saved by the fact that he wasn’t hungry after stuffing himself with candy - yes, the konpeito he shared with Nobunaga. The boy just didn’t ingest enough of the plant for it to be lethal. Together? That’s how untreated hypothyroidism looks. I hope to write more stuff including some small details like that ^^” O, yeah, I was also really happy with how the Judgement day turned out! I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’ve referenced the Exodus there ^^” Well, more precisely, Exodus 34:14, per verse. Though I’d say that that what happened before is also kinda important - the golden calf and so on.

Yes, I’ve been on one shots rampage since I’ve started this blog. 

SEWING - I’m self taught seamstress! I make mostly backpack and cute bags, but I can sew some simple clothes just as well ^^ Recently I’ve been doing some easy fixes and mending, but I hope to make a flat lined skirt in near future. Now that I finally have my hand back, I want to WORK. I also do embroidery. 

Crocheting & Loom Knitting - I’m not the best at either of this, but it’s soo calming. I oftentimes crochet when watching something - I actually can do this and still read the subtitles, so I can watch anime!

Languages - it’s low-key embarrassing, but I can only speak Polish and English ^^” I know some very basic French and Japanese as well, but yeah, I hope to learn more about those. Preferably, I’d like to understand written and spoken Japanese without much trouble. Though I like to just listen how others speak about languages just in general - what are the grammar rules, etc. It’s so fascinating!

Biology - I kinda cheated on biology (well, and chemistry) with math, but I still do love it. I especially like reading about the engineering of human body - how it evolved, what are the flaws in the “design”, how it all works. And for some reason, I like the long words. Just the long words. And since I like to know what they mean, people at school assumed that I was smarter than I was - like, nope, dear, I just read about random stuff and get VERY excited when there’s just a single tiny tineey chance I can infodump somebody.

Drawing - I used to draw portraits before my spine injury ^^” I was kinda decent at it, but yeah, well... Spine. Couldn’t hold the pencil. I’ve lost most of my skill now, but I’m slowly coming back  to it. I love coloring things with alcohol markers. They blend just so beautiful. I also paint with acrylic paints aaand want to learn more about watercolors! 

History - Eh, kinda random, but I watch a lot of stuff about how the daily lives of people in the past were - how did they do the laundry, how was the soap made, how did women deal with their periods, how did the underwear look, etc. I’ve read an amazing book on women in Medieval times! 

CATS - everything cats. Literally. From cat related goods, to actual products for cats - litterboxes, cat litter, anything. I like researching cat behaviorism. That’s probably good tho, because I have three lovely little cat ladies ^^

Otome games - I write only for ikesen, but I’m playing ikevam too. I played ikerev, but gash, the game crushes all the time! :C Other than that, I’ve finished Masamune’s route in SLBP and it was enjoyable - it is only that the colour scheme of the interface makes my eyes burn. I do not mean to say that it is ugly or bad, it just hurts me - not in metaphorical sense, it really, literally tires me out and makes the experience unpleasant. I know it’s weird.

Last movie I watched: Oh. Em. The thing is, I do not know ^^” I plan to watch some Ghibli movies on Netflix, but haven’t got around to it just yet ^^” I don’t remember when was the last time I’ve watched a film other than that - I just can’t focus for long enough. Or I get too excited. Long story short - you don’t want to watch a movie with me. You really don’t.

Dream job: Teacher! I would want to teach math. I’ve seen far too many bright minds go dull because the parents couldn’t afford the private tutor and that is just sooo wrong. However, it means getting stuck in a dead end job and becoming the private tutor after the school - teachers are gravely underpaid in my country and frankly, I don’t know if I will be able to afford to become one. 

Meaning behind URL: None. I just like Masamune & keep here all my stuff and the stuff I like. It makes me happy ^^

Tags: @missjudge-me, @fairstival, @nad-zeta , @metroidgirl0234 ! Hope you guys don’t mind ^^” If you don’t like the tag game, feel free to ignore it.

[beavforts]

"𝔞𝔰 𝔦𝔣 𝔦 𝔫𝔢𝔢𝔡 𝔞𝔫 𝔦𝔫𝔱𝔯𝔬𝔡𝔲𝔠𝔱𝔦𝔬𝔫. 𝔦 𝔴𝔞𝔫𝔱 𝔞𝔩𝔩 𝔬𝔣 𝔶𝔬𝔲 𝔱𝔬 𝔟𝔢 𝔞𝔴𝔞𝔯𝔢 𝔦'𝔪 𝔡𝔬𝔦𝔫𝔤 𝔱𝔥𝔦𝔰 𝔟𝔶 𝔯𝔢𝔮𝔲𝔢𝔰𝔱 𝔰𝔬 𝔡𝔬𝔫'𝔱 𝔰𝔞𝔶 𝔦 𝔫𝔢𝔳𝔢𝔯 𝔡𝔦𝔡 𝔞𝔫𝔶𝔱𝔥𝔦𝔫𝔤 𝔣𝔬𝔯 𝔶𝔬𝔲. 𝔦 𝔪𝔦𝔤𝔥𝔱 𝔟𝔢 𝔥𝔲𝔪𝔞𝔫 𝔞𝔤𝔞𝔦𝔫, 𝔟𝔲𝔱 𝔱𝔥𝔞𝔱 𝔡𝔬𝔢𝔰𝔫'𝔱 𝔪𝔢𝔞𝔫 𝔦 𝔰𝔱𝔦𝔩𝔩 𝔠𝔞𝔫'𝔱 𝔡𝔢𝔰𝔱𝔯𝔬𝔶 𝔶𝔬𝔲 𝔴𝔦𝔱𝔥 𝔪𝔶 𝔟𝔞𝔯𝔢 𝔥𝔞𝔫𝔡𝔰 𝔞𝔫𝔡 𝔦𝔣 𝔶𝔬𝔲 𝔴𝔢𝔯𝔢 𝔰𝔪𝔞𝔯𝔱 𝔶𝔬𝔲 𝔴𝔬𝔲𝔩𝔡𝔫'𝔱 𝔱𝔢𝔰𝔱 𝔦𝔱. 𝔥𝔬𝔫𝔢𝔰𝔱𝔩𝔶 𝔦 𝔡𝔬𝔫'𝔱 𝔨𝔫𝔬𝔴 𝔴𝔥𝔶 𝔦'𝔪 𝔴𝔞𝔰𝔱𝔦𝔫𝔤 𝔪𝔶 𝔟𝔯𝔢𝔞𝔱𝔥. 𝔦 𝔯𝔢𝔣𝔲𝔰𝔢𝔡 𝔞 𝔰𝔱𝔯𝔞𝔫𝔤𝔢 𝔴𝔬𝔪𝔞𝔫 𝔰𝔥𝔢𝔩𝔱𝔢𝔯 𝔞𝔫𝔡 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔟𝔦𝔱𝔠𝔥 𝔠𝔲𝔯𝔰𝔢𝔡 𝔪𝔢. 𝔰𝔥𝔢 𝔱𝔲𝔯𝔫𝔢𝔡 𝔪𝔢 𝔦𝔫𝔱𝔬 𝔞 𝔥𝔦𝔡𝔢𝔬𝔲𝔰 𝔟𝔢𝔞𝔰𝔱. 𝔱𝔥𝔢𝔫 𝔱𝔥𝔦𝔰 𝔬𝔩𝔡 𝔪𝔞𝔫 𝔰𝔱𝔲𝔪𝔟𝔩𝔢𝔰 𝔦𝔫 𝔬𝔫𝔢 𝔡𝔞𝔶 𝔞𝔫𝔡 𝔥𝔞𝔰 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔞𝔲𝔡𝔞𝔠𝔦𝔱𝔶 𝔱𝔬 𝔰𝔱𝔢𝔞𝔩 𝔣𝔯𝔬𝔪 𝔪𝔢. 𝔥𝔢 𝔴𝔞𝔰 𝔣𝔬𝔯𝔱𝔲𝔫𝔞𝔱𝔢 𝔢𝔫𝔬𝔲𝔤𝔥 𝔱𝔬 𝔥𝔞𝔳𝔢 𝔞 𝔡𝔞𝔲𝔤𝔥𝔱𝔢𝔯 𝔴𝔦𝔱𝔥 𝔞 𝔪𝔞𝔯𝔱𝔶𝔯 𝔠𝔬𝔪𝔭𝔩𝔢𝔵 𝔰𝔬 𝔰𝔥𝔢 𝔱𝔬𝔬𝔨 𝔥𝔦𝔰 𝔭𝔩𝔞𝔠𝔢. 𝔦𝔫 𝔞 𝔰𝔱𝔯𝔞𝔫𝔤𝔢 𝔱𝔲𝔯𝔫 𝔬𝔣 𝔢𝔳𝔢𝔫𝔱𝔰 𝔴𝔢 𝔣𝔢𝔩𝔩 𝔦𝔫 𝔩𝔬𝔳𝔢 𝔞𝔫𝔡 𝔱𝔥𝔞𝔱 𝔴𝔞𝔰 𝔱𝔥𝔞𝔱.. 𝔲𝔫𝔱𝔦𝔩 𝔴𝔢 𝔩𝔞𝔫𝔡𝔢𝔡 𝔦𝔫 𝔱𝔥𝔦𝔰 𝔥𝔢𝔩𝔩𝔥𝔬𝔩𝔢. 𝔞𝔫𝔶 𝔮𝔲𝔢𝔰𝔱𝔦𝔬𝔫𝔰? 𝔤𝔬𝔬𝔡 𝔡𝔬𝔫'𝔱 𝔟𝔢 𝔰𝔱𝔲𝔭𝔦𝔡. 𝔫𝔬𝔴 𝔦'𝔪 𝔩𝔢𝔞𝔳𝔦𝔫𝔤 𝔟𝔢𝔠𝔞𝔲𝔰𝔢 𝔦 𝔫𝔢𝔢𝔡 𝔞𝔩𝔠𝔬𝔥𝔬𝔩 𝔞𝔣𝔱𝔢𝔯 𝔯𝔢𝔩𝔦𝔳𝔦𝔫𝔤 𝔞𝔩𝔩 𝔬𝔣 𝔱𝔥𝔞𝔱 𝔰𝔥𝔦𝔱. 𝔱𝔥𝔞𝔫𝔨𝔰 𝔣𝔬𝔯 𝔱𝔥𝔞𝔱 𝔞𝔫𝔡 𝔢𝔳𝔢𝔯𝔶𝔬𝔫𝔢 𝔴𝔬𝔫𝔡𝔢𝔯𝔰 𝔴𝔥𝔶 𝔦'𝔪 𝔫𝔬𝔱 𝔫𝔦𝔠𝔢. 𝔱𝔥𝔦𝔰 𝔦𝔰 𝔴𝔥𝔞𝔱 𝔥𝔞𝔭𝔭𝔢𝔫𝔰 𝔴𝔥𝔢𝔫 𝔶𝔬𝔲'𝔯𝔢 𝔫𝔦𝔠𝔢"

So what did happen after happily ever after? 

To put it simply everything changed. The man formerly known as “the Beast” started with his name and I guess with good reason too. In Fabletown he’s known as Cain Jonah Beaufort and if you were curious as to why, look no further.

( 𝓒𝓪𝓲𝓷.  a Hebrew name meaning spear or possessed. Both of which he felt described himself when he moved to Fabletown. Specifically he felt as dangerous as a spear, but not quite himself - as if he were possessed. Once he lost Belle he felt that he lost everything including his sense of self. There are moments in the day that he doesn’t even recognize himself or feels that he’s in some dream watching someone move his hands and his legs.

( 𝓙𝓸𝓷𝓪𝓱. a Hebrew name meaning dove. There is a lot of irony as the last thing he feels is peace and is under no impression that he brings peace to those around him. The meaning he was more interested in was the sailor’s nickname for bad luck. Of course it went both ways. He felt that there was some bad luck on his part that he had to move and watch his life change, but a smaller part wonders if it’s less about the circumstance and more about him or that he deserves it for everything he’s done.

( 𝓑𝓮𝓪𝓾𝓯𝓸𝓻𝓽. a French surname meaning “beautiful” and “strong place, fortress”. This was the one piece of himself that he kept from the Homeland and was possibly the only thing he was proud of or felt that he emulated. He felt that his physical appearance was the one thing he had for his advantage in Fabletown. The second part was more of a reminder that he once was strong like a fortress and wants to get back to his own self or at least the version of himself he was when he was with Belle.

I know you’re thinking. “but that doesn’t sooooooound like the Beast.” Listen it all checks out. Here’s his birthday and character traits and you can compare for yourself.

Cain and The Beast share the same birthday of October 31, 1981 making him 37 years old and a 𝓼𝓬𝓸𝓻𝓹𝓲𝓸. His sun sign isn’t surprising to anyone. While he can be 𝓅𝒶𝓈𝓈𝒾𝑜𝓃𝒶𝓉𝑒 and 𝓂𝓎𝓈𝓉𝑒𝓇𝒾𝑜𝓊𝓈, he has an easier time fitting the negative stereotypes of scorpios. He’s more known to be 𝓹𝓸𝓼𝓼𝓮𝓼𝓼𝓲𝓿𝓮, 𝓰𝓾𝓪𝓻𝓭𝓮𝓭, and 𝓻𝓮𝓼𝓮𝓷𝓽𝓯𝓾𝓵 above all else. 

Yeah, it’s no wonder he’s been harboring so much anger and negative energy since Belle left. Just how much did our prince fall? Well since you asked..

Heading Gaston’s words, he vowed that if he were going to be painted as a beast, then he was going to show them a 𝓫𝓮𝓪𝓼𝓽. In Fabletown he didn’t hesitate to align himself with the 𝓿𝓲𝓵𝓵𝓪𝓲𝓷𝓼 and fit in quite easily. To everyone’s surprise, he got a job working at 𝓦𝓸𝓷𝓭𝓮𝓻𝓵𝓪𝓷𝓭 as a 𝓭𝓪𝓷𝓬𝓮𝓻 by night and a 𝓶𝓸𝓭𝓮𝓵 by day. Having never worked a day in his life, it was even stranger to hear that he hasn’t quit yet. The reason he’s kept these jobs is simple. It’s a consistent source of validation that his ego especially needs and although he would never admit it, it’s nice to feel wanted. Having people’s eyes on him at Wonderland is a different feeling than it was in the Homeland. Back there he was only seen as a monster that held a woman in his castle against her own will. Here, in Fabletown, he almost feels appreciated... even if both parties are under the influence of alcohol and other drugs.

I know, how sad! Don’t you worry, young one. He’s more motivated than ever. Just look for yourself.

As silly as it sounds, he main motivation is to win Belle back because he thinks that is the solution to all his problems. With his logic, that would make everything go back to the way it was before they moved to Fabletown. Which was possibly the only time he recalls being truly happy 

Once he realizes that isn’t the answer, it’ll change to focus on proving himself to anyone that will listen and also himself. He currently doesn’t think he’s capable of much else right now and at some point he’ll hopefully prove himself wrong by getting out of his current mindset and pushing himself outside of his comfort zone.

All of his current motivations are centered around regaining control over his life and getting his self esteem back. It’s less about the nostalgia and more about feeling of being untouchable again. Which is what he intends to do. 

What? Did I forget something? Oh you want the tea. My God, Cain was right you are needy, but very well. Sip away.

Eventually (when he gets past this hurt phase and drug abuse) he’ll realize that he can be the person he wants to be without Belle or anyone really. Finding his autonomy would be the first step in his “recovery” which would ideally lessen his drug usage as well and maybe he wouldn’t overcompensate at the gym anymore either. It’s amazing what the fear of getting a beer gut will do to someone.

He would also find another outlet for his aggression (probably not something creative like art, but we’ll see if that’s actually his style) and once that inner peace is restored it would help him switch sides since he would cease to do things out of spite.

He’ll realize his mistakes and (finally) grow as a person. Even though the original version of him that he wants to go back to was somewhat of an achillean, the final stage of his “recovery” would be to recognize he isn’t invincible and be able to sit with that thought. It’s a dark rabbit hole Cain doesn’t quite let himself go down yet

To avoid getting hurt his general relationships (if any) at the moment are quite superficial and even then he’s still pretty distant. Part of that is because he’s afraid of what other people will see when he lets them in and the other part is that they’ll leave him as a result. He’d never admit it but he secretly wants someone to love him and accept him as is.

All in all, he’s generally an asshole to most people he encounters to drive them away so they don’t even have a chance to get to know him before leaving. This also benefits him as it’s his way of making everyone as miserable as he feels thinking it will help fill the void he feels (which it does not)

I hope that satisfied your needs, but since I’m feeling generous today I’ve included his interview post Exodus. Enjoy!

INTERVIEW WITH CAIN AKA THE BEAST.

ℍ𝕠𝕨 𝕕𝕠 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕗𝕖𝕖𝕝 𝕒𝕓𝕠𝕦𝕥 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝔼𝕩𝕠𝕕𝕦𝕤?

Cain shrugs. It was the first time he’s really given the question much thought. “It was leave or die. So I guess it was an inconvenience more than anything,” he responds after a moment. Comparing his life in Fabletown with his old one doesn’t do him much good. He can see the similarities especially with the isolation and for a moment he wonders if anything’s really changed since he left. “How am I supposed to feel about it? Excited? Scared? Fables were disappearing so I wasn’t planning on staying there.”

𝕎𝕒𝕤 𝕚𝕥 𝕙𝕒𝕣𝕕 𝕒𝕕𝕛𝕦𝕤𝕥𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕥𝕠 𝕝𝕚𝕗𝕖 𝕚𝕟 𝔽𝕒𝕓𝕝𝕖𝕥𝕠𝕨𝕟? 𝔻𝕠 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕞𝕚𝕤𝕤 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝕠𝕞𝕖𝕨𝕠𝕣𝕝𝕕?

“No. It was pretty similar,” he replies without entertaining other thoughts. His answer wasn’t a lie either. He believes he acts pretty much the same in both worlds. “The only thing that changed was my employment which I thought I’d never do.” It’s the second part of the question that makes him hesitate. A flood of memories suddenly wash over him to remind him of a simpler time, one when he thought he was genuinely happy, and had everything he ever wanted. Then as quickly as it came, he forces himself to come back to reality and a lie immediately escapes his lips, “no. I don’t miss it.”

𝕎𝕙𝕖𝕣𝕖 𝕚𝕤 𝕪𝕠𝕦𝕣 𝕗𝕒𝕧𝕠𝕣𝕚𝕥𝕖 𝕡𝕝𝕒𝕔𝕖 𝕚𝕟 𝔽𝕒𝕓𝕝𝕖𝕥𝕠𝕨𝕟 𝕠𝕣 ℕ𝕖𝕨 𝕐𝕠𝕣𝕜?

It suddenly felt as if Cain were in Fabletown for the first time again. No matter how hard he tried he couldn’t quite remember the name of any place - or perhaps he just never paid attention. It felt that he fell into the same routine of going to work, getting drunk or high, going home, and repeating. After a while a name comes to mind and he lets out a chuckle in the irony. “I hate to admit it, but it’s probably Gaston’s Tavern. There’s not a lot going on in his head, but he knows how to make a proper drink.”

ℍ𝕠𝕨 𝕕𝕠 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕗𝕖𝕖𝕝 𝕒𝕓𝕠𝕦𝕥 𝕞𝕒𝕘𝕚𝕔? 𝔻𝕠 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕥𝕙𝕚𝕟𝕜 𝕚𝕥 𝕤𝕙𝕠𝕦𝕝𝕕 𝕓𝕖 𝕓𝕒𝕟𝕟𝕖𝕕, 𝕣𝕖𝕘𝕦𝕝𝕒𝕥𝕖𝕕, 𝕠𝕣 𝕟𝕖𝕚𝕥𝕙𝕖𝕣?

Much to his dismay, he’s engulfed in more memories.This time he’s forced to remember turning away the fairy that ended up changing his life. He can feel his anger sink into his stomach and his fist clench momentarily. He releases the pressure as he considers the question what if I had let her stay? A small part of him believes nothing would have happened, but another part knew she sought him out and would have casted her spell on him anyway. After taking a deep breath, he answers the question that was actually asked. “Magic should be heavily regulated. On the other hand, unsolicited magic should be banned. If we can have laws on consent, it should apply to magic as well.”

𝕎𝕙𝕠 𝕕𝕠 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕥𝕙𝕚𝕟𝕜 𝕜𝕚𝕝𝕝𝕖𝕕 𝕃𝕚𝕥𝕥𝕝𝕖 ℝ𝕖𝕕 ℝ𝕚𝕕𝕚𝕟𝕘 ℍ𝕠𝕠𝕕?

“Who?” He immediately asks. He was never good with names or so he wants people to believe. Of course he remembered her. After a brief pause, he continues speaking,”if she’s careless enough to wander through the woods by herself without even glancing around to see what’s there, she’s careless enough to get murdered.” To his surprise he remembered her story better than he thought or at least remembered the version he rewrote for himself. “Anyone really could have done it. She didn’t seem all that bright or attentive. It was almost like she asked for it.”

[jaceyourself]

End of Year Wrap-Up 24/12/2018

Happy Merry to all you readers!

I’ve had a great year but all us music fans have had an even better one! Streaming services mean that now more than ever we can experience the musical output from all corners of the globe (though overwhelmingly the English-speaking parts of it) to understand different points of view, learn of the goings on in other parts of the world and most importantly indulge ourselves in a bit of a boogie. All the moods, genres and feels you could think of are out there, so over the holiday period perhaps try and listen to something new. Who knows it might break the tension with that younger/older relative round the xmas table when you find they also happen to like k-pop/jazz-funk/grindcore or at the very least you can bicker about the tragedy of the current album charts (Greatest Showman: 21 weeks!). To aid you in your quest for knowledge/excitement/small-talk I have spent almost 30 minutes curating a best-of for both albums and singles in the year of 2018. 

(NB even with my album-a-day policy, there’s no way I can get through everything I want to within the 365, so if your fave appears ignored, let it be known that I probably haven’t heard it yet. The full list of everything I’ve listened to this year is at the bottom)

So in no particular order:

Albums 

Jinx Lennon- Grow A Pair!!!

The Beths- Future Me Hates Me

The Pistol Annies- Interstate Gospel

Travis Scott- ASTROWORLD

Mount Eerie- Now Only

Cardi B- Invasion of Privacy

The 1975- A Brief Inquiry Into Online Relationships

The Aces- When My Heart Felt Volcanic

Singles

Confidence Man- Out The Window

Cardi B- I Like It

Janelle Monae ft. Grimes- Pynk

Lori McKenna- People Get Old

SOPHIE- Immaterial

Marie Davidson- Work It

Car Seat Headrest- Stop Smoking (We Love You)

BLACKPINK- AS IF IT’S YOUR LAST

The 1975- It’s Not Living (If It’s Not With You)

https://open.spotify.com/user/jaceyourself/playlist/1kFex3QLVv0l3cCqjVC6dT?si=_GqTJXrOSoSXYaMC9ra_lg

Have a great festive period and I’ll see you in 2019 :D

2018 Albums what I listened to

Floating Points- Reflections – Mojave Desert

James Elkington- Wintres Woma

Miguel- War & Leisure

Ride- Weather Diaries

Sidney Gish- No Dogs Allowed

Emperor X- The Orlando Sentinel, Oversleepers International

Broken Social Scene- Hug of Thunder

MC5- Kick Out The Jams (Live)

Public Service Broadcasting- Every Valley

JJ Doom- Key to the Kuffs

HAIM- Something To Tell You

Camila Cabello- Camila

Sheer Mag- Need To Feel Your Love

Taylor Swift- reputation

Shabazz Palaces- Quazarz vs The Jealous Machines

This Is The Kit- Moonshine Freeze

Japanese Breakfast- Soft Sounds From Another Planet

Tune-Yards- I can feel you creep into my private life

Jupiter & Okwess- Kin Sonic

Various Artists- The Passion Of Charlie Parker

Waxahatchee- Out In The Storm, Great Thunder

Offa Rex- The Queen Of Hearts

Dizzee Rascal- Raskit

Alvvays- Antisocialites

Childhood- Universal High

Marmozets- Knowing What You Know Now

Declan McKenna- What Do You Think About the Car?

Paul Heaton- Crooked Calypso

Lana Del Rey- Lust For Life

Charles Lloyd New Quartet- Passin’ Thru (Live)

Rip Rig & Panic- Circa Rip Rig + Panic

Avey Tare- Eucalyptus

Justin Timberlake- Man Of The Woods

Rio Mira- Marimba del Pacifico

Oddisee- The Iceberg

Aimee Mann- Mental Illness

Katie Von Schleicher- Shitty Hits

Arcade Fire- Everything Now

Girl Ray- Earl Grey

Ezra Furman- Transangelic Exodus

Randy Newman- Dark Matter

Dead Cross- Dead Cross

Chronixx- Chronology

Mondo Cozmo- Plastic Soul

Kesha- Rainbow

Lal & Mike Waterson- Bright Phoebus

Steve Reich- Pulse / Quartet

Orchestra Baobab- Tribute to Ndiouga Dieng

Ratboy- SCUM

Prince- Dirty Mind, Controversy, 1999, Purple Rain, Parade, Sign ‘O’ The Times

Stanley Cowell- No Illusions

Oneohtrix Point Never- Good Time Original Motion Picture Soundtrack

Downtown Boys- Cost Of Living

Screaming Females- All At Once

Rob Luft- Riser

Sibusile Xaba- Open Letter To Adoniah

Jen Cloher- Jen Cloher

Everything Everything- Fever Dream

Grizzly Bear- Painted Ruins

Bob’s Burgers- The Bob’s Burgers Music Album

Superorganism- Superorganism

Maren Morris- HERO

Courtney Marie Andrews- Honest Life, May Your Kindness Remain

Stefflon Don- Real Ting Mixtape

Ghostpoet- Dark Days + Canapés

Young Fathers- White Men Are Black Men Too, Cocoa Sugar

Queens Of The Stone Age- Songs For The Deaf

Thurst- Cut to the Chafe

John Moreland- Big Bad Luv

Aruan Ortiz- Cub(an)ism [Piano Solo]

Mount Eerie- Now Only

The War On Drugs- A Deeper Understanding

Various Artists- Pop Makossa

Liane Carroll- The Right to Love

Fickle Friends- You Are Someone Else

Nadine Shah- Holiday Destination

Various Artists- Howsla

George Ezra- Staying at Tamara’s

The Doors- The Doors

Filthy Friends- Invitation

Susanne Sundfør- Music For People In Trouble

LCD Soundsystem- LCD Soundsystem, Sound of Silver, American Dream

Mogwai- Every Country’s Sun

Kacey Musgraves- Golden Hour

The National- High Violet, Sleep Well Beast

The Klezmatics- Wonder Wheel

Hercules & Love Affair- Omnion

Mount Kimbie- Love What Survives

The Aces- When My Heart Felt Volcanic

Matthew Bourne- Isotach

Finished- Cum Inside Me Bro

Forced Into Femininity- I’m Making Progress

Heron Oblivion- Heron Oblivion

Hamell On Trial- TACKLE BOX

Confidence Man- Confident Music For Confident People

Swet Shop Boys- Cashmere

Princess Nokia- 1992 Deluxe, A Girl Cried Red

Steely Dan- The Royal Scam, Aja

King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard- Nonagon Infinity

Sparks- Hippopotamus

J. Cole- KOD

Fat Tony- Macgregor Park

L’Orange and Jeremiah Jae- The Night Took Us In Like Family

Little Simz- Stillness In Wonderland

Lady Leshurr- Queen’s Speech

RAY BLK- Durt

Brand New- Science Fiction

Janelle Monae- Dirty Computer

Rolling Blackouts Coastal Fever- Talk Tight

Fred Thomas- Changer

Myra Davies- Sirens

Laraaji- Sun Gong

The Killers- Wonderful Wonderful

Descendents- Milo Goes To College

Frank Turner- Be More Kind

The Horrors- V

Moses Sumney- Aromanticism

Arctic Monkeys- Whatever People…, AM, Tranquility Base Hotel & Casino

Oxbow- Thin Black Duke

Dee Byrne’s Entropi- Moment Frozen

Mike Stern- Trip

The Vampires- The Vampires Meet Lionel Loueke

Gogol Bordello- Gypsy Punks: Underdog World Strike, Super Taranta!, Seekers And Finders

Umphrey’s McGee- Zonkey

Hard Working Americans- We’re All in This Together

Courtney Barnett- Tell Me How You Really Feel

Jllin- Black Origami

Various Artists- Rough Guide to the Music of West Africa

Wolf Alice- Visions Of A Life

The Young’uns- Strangers

Fever Ray- Fever Ray, Plunge

CHVRCHES- Love Is Dead

Oumou Sangaré- Oumou, Mogoya

Charlotte Gainsbourg- Rest

Daniel Avery- Song For Alpha

Daphni- Joli Mai

Kanye West- ye

Cécile McLorin Salvant- Dreams and Daggers

Trio Da Kali, Kronos Quartet- Ladilikan

Kelela- Take Me Apart

Bob Dylan- The Times.., Another.., Bringing.., Highway.., Blond.., John.., Nashville.., New.., Blood..

Lily Allen- Alright(,) Still, It’s Not Me(,) It’s You, Sheezus, No Shame

Fanfare Ciocarlia- 20

Wolf Parade- Cry Cry Cry

SOPHIE- OIL OF EVERY PEARL’S UN-INSIDES

Zara McFarlane- Arise

St. Vincent- MASSEDUCTION

Margo Price- All American Made

Bebe Rexha- Expectations

Motörhead- Under Cöver

Orchestre Les Mangelepa- Last Band Standing

Drake- Scorpion

Various Artists- Gentle Giants: The Songs Of Don Williams

Noga Erez- Off The Radar

Baxter Dury- Prince of Tears

John Maus- Screen Memories

Lankum- Between the Earth and Sky

Shamir- Revelations

Years & Years- Palo Santo

Converge- The Dusk In Us

Canzoniere Grecanico Salentino- Canzoniere

Fred Hersch- Open Book

A. Savage- Thawing Dawn

Big Thief- Capacity

Kelly Clarkson- Meaning Of Life

Dirty Projectors- Lamp Lit Prose

Robt Sarazin Blake- Recitative

Shed Seven- Instant Pleasures

Spinning Coin- Permo

Call Super- Arpo

Laura Perrudin- Poisons & antidotes

Ellen Andrea Wang- Blank Out

Lori McKenna- The Tree

Wu-Tang Clan- Enter The Wu-Tang (36 Chambers)

Lee Ronaldo- Electric Trim

Deer Tick- Vol. 2

The Paranoid Style- Underworld U.S.A.

Youssou N’Dour- Set, Joko- From Village To Town, Nothing’s In Vain, Seeni Valeurs

Gaika- BASIC VOLUME

Kasai Allstars- Around Felicite

Carly Rae Jepsen- Emotion

Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds- Who Built The Moon?

Anna Ternheim- All the Way to Rio

U2- Songs of Experience

Mônica Vasconcelos- The São Paulo Tapes

Travis Scott- ASTROWORLD

Nabihah Iqbal- Weighing of the Heart

Van Morrison- Versatile

Jim James- Tribute to 2

Criolo- Espiral de Ilusão

Maciej Obara Quartet- Unloved

N.E.R.D- NO ONE EVER REALLY DIES

The Beths- Future Me Hates Me

Maryam Saleh- Lekhfa

Naomi Bedford- Songs My Ruiner Gave to Me

Jens Lekman- Night Over Kortedala

The Spirit of the Beehive- pleasure suck

Tom Rogerson- Finding Shore

Paul Jacobs- Pictures(,) Movies and Apartments

Ariana Grande- sweetener

Rina Sawayama- RINA

Marcel Khalife- Andalusia of Love

Gunter Hampel- Bounce (Live at Theater Gütersloh)

BAYNK- Someone’s EP

Omar Souleyman- To Syria(,) With Love

Blood Orange- Negro Swan

Open Mike Eagle- Brick Body Kids Still Daydream

First Aid Kit- Ruins

Shame- Songs of Praise

Homeboy Sandman- Veins

Playboi Carti- Playboi Carti

Eminem- Kamikaze

Troye Sivan- Blue Neighbourhood, BLOOM

Joey Bada$$- ALL AMERIKKKAN BADA$$

Priests- Nothing Feels Natural

Rhiannon Giddens- Freedom Highway

King Krule- The OOZ

Django Django- Marble Skies

Bon Iver- For Emma(,) Forever Ago

Calexico- The Thread That Keeps Us

Mary Gauthier- Rifles & Rosary Beads

Hookworms- Microshift

Aphex Twin- Collapse EP

Rae Morris- Someone Out There

Field Music- Open Here

Rhye- Blood

Shopping- The Official Body

MGMT- Little Dark Age

Christine and the Queens- Chris

Alela Diane- Cusp

Sonic Youth- Sister

Brigid Mae Power- The Two Worlds

Deafheaven- Sunbather

Various Artists- American Epic: The Collection Disc 1, 2, 3

Rich Krueger- Life Ain’t That Long

Lil Wayne- Tha Carter V

Modern Mal- The Misanthrope Family Album

Rejjie Snow- Dear Annie

U.S. Girls- In a Poem Unlimited

The Orielles- Silver Dollar Moment

Tal National- Tantabara

Marie Davidson- Working Class Woman

Superchunk- What a Time to Be Alive

Brandi Carlile- By The Way(,) I Forgive You

Car Seat Headrest- Twin Fantasy

Loma- Loma

Quavo- QUAVO HUNCHO

Marlon Williams- Make Way For Love

Nipsey Hussle- Victory Lap

Insecure Men- Insecure Men

Kendrick Lamar- Black Panther

Rapsody- Lalia’s Wisdom

Khalid- Suncity

Tracey Thorn- Record

Anna von Hausswolff- Dead Magic

Jinx Lennon- Grow a Pair!!!

Gwenno- Le Kov

Judas Priest- Stained Class, FIREPOWER

Robyn- Robyn, Body Talk, Honey

The Magic Gang- The Magic Gang

Essaie Pas- New Path

Bob Dylan and The Band- The Basement Tapes

The Decemberists- I’ll Be Your Girl

Pistol Annies- Interstate Gospel

BCUC- Emakhosini (Bantu Continua Uhuru Consciousness)

Jack White- Boarding House Reach

Yo La Tengo- There’s A Riot Going On

Sidi Touré- Toubalbero

Lil Peep- Come Over When You’re Sober(,) Pt. 2

The Breeders- All Nerve

The Vaccines- Combat Sports

CZARFACE- Czarface Meets Metal Face

Laurence Pike- Distant Early Warning

Chopteeth Afrofunk Big Band- Bone Reader

Leo Kalyan- The Edge

Hayley Kyoko- Expectations

Tristen- Sneaker Waves

Thelonious Monk- Les Liaisons Dangereuses

Brad Mehldau & Mark Guiliana- Mehliana: Taming The Dragon

Amy Rigby- Til The Wheels Fall Off, Little Fugitive, The Old Guys

BLACKPINK- BLACKPINK IN YOUR AREA

Rose Cousins- Natural Conclusion

Nora Jane Struthers- Champion

Lilly Hiatt- Trinity Lane

The Rolling Stones- The Rolling Stones, The Rolling Stones No. 2, Out of Our Heads, Aftermath

MAST- Thelonious Sphere Monk

The 1975- A Brief Inquiry Into Online Relationships

Jhene Aiko- Trip

Don Bryant- Don’t Give up on Love

EMA- Exile in the Outer Ring

Small Believer- Anna Tivel

Vera Sola- Shades

Cardi B- Invasion of Privacy

Darkthrone- A Blaze in the Northern Sky

Sarah Shook & the Disarmers- Years

Goat Girl- Goat Girl

Vic Mensa- HOOLIGANS

Unknown Mortal Orchestra- Sex & Food

Alasdair Roberts, Amble Scuse & David McGuiness- What News

Kali Uchis- Isolation

Wye Oak- The Louder I Call, the Faster It Runs

Migos- Culture II

Hinds- I Don’t Run

DRINKS- Hippo Lite

Alexis Taylor- Beautiful Thing

Jenny Wilson- EXORCISM

[dailybiblelessons]

August 2 to 8 (Ordinary 18)

What's ahead in the Bible readings for this week

The Eighteenth Week in Ordinary Time Catholic Proper 18, RCL Proper 13 August 2 to 8, 2018 The Eleventh Week After Pentecost

This week's image is Vincent Van Gogh's Wheat Field with Sheaves. Since so many of our readings have to do with bread (literal or figurative) I thought of Van Gogh's images. And it happens in my morning devotions from All Saints for July 29 was about Van Gogh. Here is a brief quote:

In the eyes of the world, and in his own eyes, Vincent Van Gogh was an utter failure. Though today he is one of the most popular and beloved of all modern painters, to his contemporaries he evoked nothing but contempt. He sold nothing in his lifetime. He spent his life in squalid poverty, preferring to spend what money he could obtain on paint rather than on food. But his failure never deterred him from dedicating every ounce of his strength to the expression of his person vision. For the sake of that vision, as much as any desert father, he was prepared to sacrifice every natural happiness. His subjects were not formally religious. They included sunflowers, wheat fields, and starry night skies. But ultimately his subject was the holiness of existence. It was that vision and not the quality of his sacrifice that defined the religious dimension of his art.

Gospel and Epistle Readings

The central Scripture for this week is Sunday's Gospel lesson from John. In it, Jesus tells the crowd that has followed him by boat to Capernaum, “Do not work for the food that perishes, but for the food that endures for eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you.” Then this exchanges happens:

“What sign are you going to give us then, so that we may see it and believe you? What work are you performing? Our ancestors ate manna in the wilderness; as it is written ‘He gave them bread from heaven to eat.’” Then Jesus said to them “Very truly, I tell you, it was not Moses who gave you the bread from heaven, but it is my Father who gives you the true bread from heaven. For the bread of God is that which comes down from heaven and gives life to the world.” They said to him, “Sir, give us this bread always.” Jesus said to them, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never be hungry, and whoever believes in my will never be thirsty.”

The second Gospel reading for this week are from Matthew, in which Jesus tells his disciples to beware of the yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees. As so often happens, they misunderstand their teacher, who is asking them to beware of the the teaching of the Pharisees and Sadducees. The third reading is a telling of the feeding of four thousand with seven loaves.

In a society where many go hungry, it is important to provide both physical bread and spiritual bread. Two of our Epistle lessons for this week are concerned with spiritual gifts. In Paul's letter to Ephesus he tells us that the gifts Christ gave were that some would be apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, some pastors and teachers, to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ. In the first letter to Corinth there is a similar list: apostles, prophets, teachers, deeds of power, gifts of healing, forms of assistance, forms of leadership, and various kinds of tongues. The variety of gifts that we have to give to the church and to the world is something to celebrate.

In the other Epistle readings this week, Paul scolds the church at Corinth for their divisions. He accuses the wealthy members of the church of showing contempt for the church of God and humiliating those who have nothing by leaving out those who have no food to eat. He urges them to examine themselves before eat the bread or drink the cup of the Lord. This is a call to be aware of and confess the ways we have fallen short. Of course we must get up after our examination, receive the cup and the bread, and do better.

Complementary Series

The Hebrew Scripture for Sunday tells of the manna and quail provided by God to feed the hungry, wandering Israelites. The story of the quail is retold on Monday from Numbers. And on Tuesday we read part of a long speech from Moses to all Israel with this reminder: “He humbled you by letting you hunger, then feeding you with manna, with which neither you nor your ancestors were acquainted, in order to make you understand that one does not live by bread alone, but by the word that comes from the mouth of God.”

Semi-continuous Series

This week completes the story of Bathsheba and David, at least in one sense. In another sense, the consequence of David's sin continues throughout his life. I find the death of Bathsheba's and David's son troublesome; Nathan declares, after David repents, that David will live but the child will die. This innocent child had nothing to do with the sin that was committed.

We also have the story of Tamar's rape by her half-brother Amnon. Once he has had his way with her, he will have nothing more to do with her. Absalom, her brother, kills Amnon in revenge for her rape. Violence begets violence. I don't think we should take this story as an example of how to deal with these situations. And it is hard not to have sympathy for Tamar and Absalom, seeking the only justice that could be found. (All of the people in this story are David's children, which may account for why Amnon was never punished.)

Links for the week ahead

Thursday to Sunday Psalms Complementary Psalm 78:23-29 God rains down manna, the bread of angels, for humans to eat. Semi-continuous Psalm 51:1-12 Create in me a clean heart.

Thursday: Preparation for the Eighteenth Sunday in Ordinary Time Complementary Exodus 12:33-42 The Exodus from Egypt, leaving with unleavened bread. Semi-continuous Exodus 39:19-26a Moses' anger over the golden calf Both 1 Corinthians 11:17-22 Paul admonishes the Corinthians for not keeping the Lord's Supper properly.

Saturday: Preparation for the Eighteenth Sunday in Ordinary Time Complementary Exodus 13:3-10 The Festival of Unleavened Bread Semi-continuous Judges 6:1-10 A prophet calls out Israel for its disobedience. Both Matthew 16:5-12 Jesus uses the figure of leaven to warn the apostles to beware of the Pharisees and the Sadducees.

Friday: Preparation for the Eighteenth Sunday in Ordinary Time Complementary Exodus 12:43-13:2 Institution of the Passover, and consecrating the firstborn. Semi-continuous Joshua 23:1-16 Joshua encourages Israel's leaders and reminds them of God's deeds on their behalf. Both 1 Corinthians 11:27-34 Examine yourself before partaking in the Lord's Supper.

The Eighteenth Sunday in Ordinary Time Complementary Exodus 16:2-4, 9-15 God provides manna. Semi-continuous 2 Samuel 11:26-12:13a David is rebuked by Nathan for his adultery with Bathsheba and killing of Uriah. Both Ephesians 4:1-16 Live with humility and gentleness, with patience bearing one another in love. Both John 6:24-35 Jesus says, "I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never be hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty."

Monday to Wednesday Psalms Complementary Psalm 107:1-3, 33-43 God pours contempt on princes, yet raises up the poor from affliction. Semi-continuous Psalm 50:16-23 I will reprove you who have spoken and done evil.

Monday: Reflection on the Eighteenth Sunday in Ordinary Time Complementary Numbers 11:16-23, 31-32 God provides quail. Semi-continuous 2 Samuel 12:15-25 The son born to David and Bathsheba dies. Both Ephesians 4:17-24 Put away your old self, and be renewed in the spirit of your minds.

Tuesday: Reflection on the Eighteenth Sunday in Ordinary Time Complementary Deuteronomy 8:1-20 When your life is good, do not forget the Lord your God. Semi-continuous 2 Samuel 13:1-19 Amnon rapes his half-sister Tamar. David is their father. Both 1 Corinthians 12:27-31 You are the body of Christ, and individually members of it.

Wednesday: Reflection on the Eighteenth Sunday in Ordinary Time Complementary Isaiah 55:1-9 The thirsty and hungry are invited to eat without cost. Semi-continuous 2 Samuel 13:20-36 Absalom murders Amnon in revenge for raping his sister Tamar. Both Mark 8:1-10 Jesus blesses seven loaves, and they are enough to feed four thousand people, with seven baskets left over.

*Denominations have different ways of designating the weeks during the year, so your church may refer to this week by a different name. Regardless of the name, the readings are the same. Here is an explanation: Calendar Explanation

Do you have a friend who might get value from these readings?

If you know someone who could deepen his or her commitment to being a Christian through these readings, why not forward this newletter to that person? Here is a link that leads to the signup form: Sign up link

These links don't work until the lessons are on the web site. I have moved the time they are sent to 3:05 a.m. Eastern Time, which is just after midnight in Pacific Time. Folks in Alaska and Hawaii will find the readings in the previous day's mailings. Thanks for being part of this community spread throughout the country. Just knowing that we are reading the same lessons warms my heart, and I hope it does yours. Mike Gilbertson

Selections from Revised Common Lectionary Daily Readings, copyright © 1995 by the Consultation on Common Texts. Unless otherwise indicated, Bible text is from The New Revised Standard Version, (NRSV) copyright © 1989 by the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All right reserved. Image credit: Wheat Field with Sheaves by Vincent van Gogh, via Wikimedia Commons. This is a public domain image.

[wickedspeed]

“I did not tell half of what I saw, for I knew I would not be believed.” -Marco Polo

It had taken every green penny she’d had to convince the Quadling driver to even consider taking her up the winding path of Mount Runcible, so Galinda Upland was not at all surprised when he stopped halfway up, saying he could go no further.

“The path ahead is too dangerous.”

“Can’t you take us a little farther?”

The Quadling shook his head.  “I am to turn back.  You would best to do too.”

Galinda Upland had no intention of turning back.  Instead, she collected her bag and stepped out of the cab, turning her gaze to the road ahead (if it could even be considered such; it didn’t look as though anyone had come through here in quite some time).

“My feet are still sore from the walk earlier,” Fiyero said, though Galinda knew he’d stay with her, step for step.

“I told you to get those inserts,” the blonde said unsympathetically as the two began making their way up the mountain on foot.

“Inserts they called them; more like two pieces of cardboard.”

-/-

Darkness had fallen by the time the two decided to stop for the night, and they had all but lost the road to the elements.

“Well, this poor creature had the misfortune of being our dinner, but at least it’s something different.  I can only survive on crackers for so long.”

Galinda didn’t reply; she was currently hunched over a notebook in her lap, her pencil moving every so often.

Fiyero let out a sigh, adding, “Galinda, you’ve been pouring over that book for days.  You need to eat.”

“Huh?”  The Frottican looked up.

“You, food, eat.”

“I will.”  Galinda added one more note then closed the book.  “We’re close, Fiyero, I can feel it.”

“I hope you’re right his time.”

“I am; you watch.”

-/-

“Are you sure this is right?”

Galinda looked down at her notebook, consulting the hand drawn map inside.  It had taken them another day and a half, but now they were standing at the edge of a massive chasm, a waterfall churning into the depths.

“I’m sure.  There’s the waterfall; now we just need to get behind it.”

“Oh sure, when you say it like that, anything sounds easy.”

-/-

“Okay, I am now sufficiently wet.”

Galinda rolled her eyes, undoing her bandana and letting her damp curls fall freely.  “What did you expect?  I said we had to go behind the waterfall.”

Fiyero muttered something incoherent before he said, “So is this it?  I was expecting a bit... more.”

Galinda looked around the cave, though what Fiyero had said was true.  There was very little to be found, save for a few broken pieces of pottery and several broken arrow shafts.  The blonde could feel her heart dropping, and she shook her head.  “I don’t understand... we should be standing right on it.”

“Galinda, there’s nothing here--”

“No, it’s here!”  The blonde began to search almost frantically, refusing to believe that this was another failure.

“That map is pretty old--”

“It’s here!  It has to be!”

“Galinda.”  Fiyero caught her shoulders, looking her in the eyes.  “The tomb is not here.”

The Frottican could feel hot tears beginning to prickle at the edge of her vision, and she quickly turned away.  “I just... I thought we had finally found it... everything my parents worked for...”  The blonde kicked at a broken piece of pottery angrily, watching it skitter across the floor.

“Come on; let’s see if there’s any clues.  Maybe the tomb was moved somewhere else.”  Fiyero turned his flashlight towards the walls and began to examine them, running his fingers along the markings.  “Hey Glin, what do you make of these?”

The blonde took a breath before she turned, though a sudden tremor stopped her.

“What was that?”

Another tremor, stronger than the first, shook the cave again, and Galinda fell forward.  Her gaze fell on the spreading cracks in the floor, and her eyes widened.

“Galinda--”

“Run Fiyero, run--”

The cave shook again, and this time, the floor crumbled beneath her, sending the blonde plummeting downward.  Her stomach shot up into her throat as she fell, and when her back hit the ground, her vision swam before she fell into unconsciousness.

-/-

Galinda wasn’t sure how long she’d been out, but upon coming to, she lay still for a minute or so, trying to focus on making sure she could still move all her limbs as pain coursed through her body.  Finally, she managed to sit up, wincing as she did so.

“Oz, that was not pleasant...”  Galinda put a hand to her head, grappling a bit for her flashlight before she located it and held it up.  Sapphire eyes widened upon seeing what was on the walls, and the Frottican got to her feet.

“These murals... they depict the life of Saint Glinda...”  The blonde moved her flashlight over the artwork, following it around the room.  “The Exodus... the Great War...”  The blonde paused upon reaching a bit of ancient script carved into the stone.  “... And so she sealed the warrior away... promising to return in her hour of need...”  Galinda turned her flashlight a bit farther, the glint of emerald catching her eye.  The blonde approached, brushing a bit of dirt from the surface.

“Why would Saint Glinda have emeralds in her tomb...?”

The emeralds suddenly began to crack under her hand, and the Frottican jumped back, watching the cracks spread.  The emeralds soon shattered, forcing Galinda to cover her head with her arms.  Before she could recover from such, she was suddenly brought to the ground, and a blade was being held at her throat.  Galinda became aware of the fact that someone was yelling at her in a language she couldn’t quite understand.  Upon further inspection, the blonde realized it was a green woman, and she didn’t look happy.

The green woman’s scowl deepened, and she yelled again, pressing the blade closer.  Galinda realized it was an ancient dialect, and she struggled to recall a few words.  She was yelling something about trespassing on holy ground...  Galinda suddenly felt the blade prick her neck, and she quickly shouted, “No, wait!”

The green woman paused, a slightly confused look crossing her face.  “Gillikin...?”

“Y-yes, I’m Gillikin, my name is Galinda--”

Dark eyes widened, and the green woman fell to one knee, an arm across her chest.  “Forgive me, I did not recognize you Lady Glinda.  I had feared you would not return.”  The green woman looked up at the blonde.  “Is the Great War over?”

“The Great... have you been here since then?”

“You sealed me away; you said you would return when you needed me again.  Has it been long?”

“At least three centuries.”  A pause.  “Um... who exactly do you think I am?”

The green woman’s brow furrowed, and she straightened up.  “Lady Glinda, of course.”

“O-oh.”  Oh indeed.  This woman thought she was Saint Glinda.

“Have... have you lost your memory?  Do you not remember me?”

The blonde shook her head, the look on the green woman’s face almost breaking her heart.

“Oh, I see.  I should have expected such.  My name is Aelphaba.”

The name sounded familiar, and suddenly it made sense.  “Saint Aelphaba of the waterfall.”

“You must be confused; I am only a warrior, not a saint.”

It was true, Aelphaba’s body was covered in traditional warrior paint... and not much else.  She was holding a staff adorned with feathers and carvings, a blade on one end while the other end was hooked.

“In any case, you have returned for me, which means the time has come for me to serve you again.”

“What?  No, Aelphaba, I’m not Saint Glinda--”

“You broke the seal and woke me; you are her.”  Aelphaba seemed convinced, and Galinda had a feeling she wouldn’t be able to tell her otherwise.  “So, where are we headed, my lady?”

Galinda ran a hand through her curls, letting out a sigh.  “Umm... well, we can’t really go anywhere... unless you can get us out of here?”

Aelphaba grinned.  “Leave it to me.”

[justanothercinemaniac]

Epic Movie (Re)Watch #112 - The Prince of Egypt

Spoilers Below

Have I seen it before: Yes

Did I like it then: Yes.

Do I remember it: Yes.

Did I see it in theaters: No.

Format: DVD

1) The head of Jeffrey Katzenberg, the head of Dreamworks animation at the time and one of the former big wigs at Disney, had been pitching an adaptation of Moses’ story from Exodus to Disney far before he started Dreamworks with Steven Spielberg. During an early meeting of Dreamworks Katzenberg recalls that Spielberg looked at him during the meeting and said, "You ought to do The Ten Commandments."

2) I think the opening disclaimer is a nice touch.

“The motion picture you are about to see is an adaptation of the Exodus story. While artistic and historical license has been taken, we believe that this film is true to the essence, values and integrity of a story that is a cornerstone of faith for millions of people worldwide. The biblical story of Moses can be found in the book of Exodus.”

3) Music plays an incredibly important role in this film, mostly for setting its grand storytelling and dark tone. This is clearly apparent from the opening song “Deliver Us” which depicts the suffering of the Hebrew people in Egypt and also the hope of Moses.

4) This film also does an excellent job of immediately establishing the brotherly relationship between Moses and Ramses. It’s fun and honest, which makes the following events all the more heartbreaking.

5) Val Kilmer is quite effective in the role of Moses, being able to provide a healthy balance of his youthful joviality and privilege early on and the wisdom that would come to define the character later.

6) This film has three noteworthy actors who have very little lines. The first two of these are Patrick Stewart as Pharaoh Seti and Helen Mirren as The Queen.

Neither of them sing, so their lines are few and unfortunately Mirren feels wasted in the part (less of a comment on her acting, which is top notch as usual, and more from the lack of screen time). Stewart, however, gives Seti some depth. We see him as father and ruler, both roles where he cares about his people, but also murderer of Hebrew babies which gives him a sinister feel.

7) Moses could have been painted as a spoiled brat while acting as prince of Egypt, but he takes responsibility for his actions and mistakes while also trying to shield Ramses from some of their father’s heavy expectations.

8) Tzipporah is established as fierce as heck from the get go.

Kept as a foreign slave in her first scene, she still fights back with great vigor despite being in a room who don’t care if she dies by the hands of the pharaoh. Michelle Pfeiffer imparts some of the strength she brought to Catwoman into the part and it’s a wonderful take on the biblical figure.

9) Sandra Bullock may have more lines than Helen Mirren, Patrick Stewart, and (later) Danny Glover, but for some reason I’m always wanting more of her and her character Miriam by the time the film ends. I like what I see, I just wish there were more of her in the film (I think).

10) For some reason I don’t feel the way about her brother Aaron, who is voiced wonderfully by Jeff Goldblum. That may be because we see Aaron develop from non-believer to believer over the course of the film (wheres Miriam is consistently good and believing in Moses) and Jeff Goldblum plays both the doubter and the supporter well.

11) Continuing with the excellent music in this film, “All I Ever Wanted,” carries with it that sense of grandeur as well as the heartbreak of Moses denying his true heritage.

12) Moses’ nightmare is one of the most memorable non-musical sequences out of the film (not THE most memorable but one of them), and this is done both through the unique hieroglyphic art style and the lack of dialogue. It is true visual storytelling.

13) Remember how I said Tzipporah is fierce as heck? Well, that continues throughout the film when she decides to drop Moses into a well as a bit of payback for being a prince of Egypt (although she does help him out because he helped her escape the palace).

14) Danny Glover is the third actor who doesn’t have enough lines. He plays the role of Jethro, a character with about ten spoken lines (more or less) and then the rest of his role is in song. And Danny Glover doesn’t sing the song.

In the little dialogue Glover does give though, he is able to establish Jethro as a man who’s heart is as big as his stature. I just wish we’d heard more of him.

15) I mentioned in The Road to El Dorado the effectiveness of using a song to cover large gaps of time. This film is no different, initial with Jethro’s song “Through Heavens Eyes.” It’s a rousing and hopeful number which talks of the Hebrew god and how we can only know our worth when trying to look through (one guess what I’m going to say next) heaven’s eyes. In that time we cover Moses learning what a free life is from these people, his growing humility, and his blossoming relationship with Tzipporah (and eventual marriage).

16) The Burning Bush.

Val Kilmer provides the voice of god in this film, although that wasn’t the initial plan. Originally all the actors in the film were going to voice god at the same time, and were told to whisper so they wouldn’t overpower each other. When the time came to record Kilmer’s lines, they realized someone had to speak louder. It was a happy realization, as the filmmakers later noted that god usually speaks to us as the little voice in our own heads. And it parallels the Cecil B. Demille version of The Ten Commandments where it is said (although I don’t think confirmed) that Charlton Heston also provided the voice of god while also playing Moses.

17) Moses telling Tzipporah about his encounter with the burning bush is another fine example of how filmmaking is primarily a VISUAL medium. We don’t hear a word they saw to each other, but we see him talking and we see her reaction and we know EXACTLY what is happening.

18) Ralph Fiennes performance as Ramses is at its best when Ramses becomes villainous and conceited. Hmm, Ralph Fiennes playing a villainous and conceited villain. Sounds familiar...

19) Playing with the Big Boys is the only real villain song in this film.

Performed by the evil lackeys Hotep and Huy (who are voiced wonderfully by Steve Martin and Martin Short respectively), the song shows off just how dark things in the Egypt really are and how tricky these two “magicians” are. Martin and Short breathe wonderful life and evil fun into the song, and even recorded their dialogue together. And the scenes uses wonderful use of darkness and shadows to make us feel like Moses is in over his head. Which in a way, he is. But the film wouldn’t be interesting if things were easy for the protagonist.

20) The growing conflict between Moses and Ramses is heartbreaking and I give credit to all those involved in this film for that. The directors, the writers, the animators, Val Kilmer & Ralph Fiennes, everyone. We see them go from the best of friends to archenemies and neither of them wants to be in that position. But they are, and they each think they’re doing what is best for their people. It hurts a lot to watch.

21) “The Plagues” is also a great example of how this film condenses what could have been a massive chunk of time into a little two-and-a-half minute song.

It also does not make light of the plagues either. The plagues were horrible. True wrath of god type stuff that ruined people’s lives. And this song is an epic but dark representation of just what those were like while also developing the conflict between Moses and Ramses.

22) I’m not as familiar with my biblical readings as maybe I should be, but I like that this film depicts Moses reaching out to Ramses one last time before he releases the final plague. It is one final reminder that they are or, more appropriately, were brothers. And they almost seem to understand each other, to make peace. But they don’t. Meaning the final and most awful plague is released.

23) I don’t want to get into my own theological beliefs or philosophies, but I am always sickened about the death of the first borns of Egypt.

The scene is animated beautifully but the entire thing is heartbreaking. The idea of a god who will take away the lives of children just to get what he wants, even though he later claims that we are all his children, just never sits right with me. I just...it sickens me. That’s all I can say. It sickens me.

24) “When You Believe” is probably THE song from this film. It won the Oscar for best original song that year, beating out “I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing” by Aerosmith. It is the perfect representation of the power of hope and belief which is the central theme of this film. Michelle Pfeiffer and Sally Dworsky (along with the film’s chorus) do an excellent job performing the song written by Stephen Schwartz, but the pop version performed by Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey is just as good.

25) I think the most memorable part of this film has to be the parting of the Red Seas. And it could just be for this image alone:

That is such a powerful image which really gets across the wonder of what we’re seeing. A representation of the scene which few if any adaptations of the Exodus story have ever lived up to and which I think only animation can bring to life so wonderfully.

26) After the Red Sea crashes down and Ramses is washed away, we see Moses looking off in the distance and hear Ramses screaming, “MOSES!” The filmmakers have suggested that this may be in Moses’ head and that Ramses might actually be dead. I like that idea. It shows Moses still has hope for his brother.

27) And since this is an adaptation of Exodus, of course it has to involve the Ten Commandments in some way. I’m just glad that it’s the last shot of the film. A nice way of ending the story.

It makes sense to end a family film there, as opposed to Moses finding his people worshipping a false idol (a golden cow, I think) and smashing the tablet before God destroys the idol and forces his people to wander the desert for 40 years to kill off the rebellious generation. Oh, and Moses didn’t get to go into the promised land.

(GIF originally posted by @rocktheholygrail)

What’s not family friendly about that?

The Prince of Egypt is a great animated film who’s popularity has unfortunately lost steam in recent years. It represents its story well without beating you over the head with the religion, the animation and music are gorgeous, and the voice acting is top notch (if a little wasted at times). I highly recommend you see it.

[dfroza]

A set of posts about hope

shared yesterday by John Parsons:

Though we can't control what happens in this dangerous world, we can trust that God is working all things together for good, even during times of severe testing, even in things that are blatantly evil, and even in the midst of mass hysteria (Rom. 8:28; Gen. 50:20, Jer. 29:11, etc.). And while we instinctively recoil at the prospect of physical death, there are decidedly things worse than death itself, namely, losing hope in life, walking in the darkness of despair, living a joyless existence because of fear, and ultimately facing God as a shameful coward who shrank back from the truth. As much as we abhor evil - and we must resist it with all our hearts - even more must we love the good - and cling to God (וּלְדָבְקָה־בוֹ) with all that is within us.

Ultimately, the most important thing to remember regarding death is the truth about God’s salvation (יְשׁוּעָה). After all, God assuredly hates death and provides each of us with its eternal remedy: By clothing himself in human flesh, Yeshua embraced mortality itself and willingly bore the penalty for your sins, exchanging his life for yours, thereby destroying the one who had the power of death, namely the devil, and by so doing, set you free from slavery to the dread of death (Heb. 2:14-15). To those who belong to Messiah, death represents a passage to eternal life and the loving presence of God Himself.

Only the miracle of faith can see hope in the face of radical evil... and yet that is the very message of the cross of the Messiah... Our Lord demonstrated that He is the the Killer of death itself; the Slayer of the Serpent; and the ultimate Triumph of God's Light over the realm of despair and everlasting darkness... He is the First and the Last, the Living One who died, and behold is alive forevermore, the true Keyholder of Death and Hell (Rev. 1:18). [Hebrew for Christians]

"If the Son shall set you free, you shall be free indeed" (John 8:36). The sages say, "Being free means that I am in the place I am supposed to be." In other words, freedom means surrendering, accepting, and yielding to God's path of blessing for you. This a place of great spiritual contentment where you are liberated from the slavery of fear and disappointment. Yeshua lived in this freedom, since He completely yielded Himself to His father's daily care (John 5:19; 8:29; 14:10).

Surrendering yourself to God’s care is also the means of finding self-acceptance. God knows all your sins and has paid for them upon the cross, and therefore His love for you is the basis for which you can properly forgive and accept yourself... A Yiddish proverb reads, “If I try to be someone else, who then will be like me?" When you die, God won't ask why you weren't more like Moses, Elijah, etc., but rather, why you weren't more like the person He recreated you to be. No one else can do the things you are called to do, and therefore God created you as a distinct individual who reflects His glory in a unique way... “To the one who conquers I will give a white stone, with a new name written on the stone that no one knows except the one who receives it” (Rev. 2:17).

Those who trust Yeshua as their Savior can intellectually understand and emotionally trust that God is working all things together for good in their lives (Rom. 8:28). Shabbat Shalom and Happy Passover, chaverim. [Hebrew for Christians]

May God help us "let not our hearts be troubled" because He has promised never to leave nor forsake us (Heb. 13:5). "Be still, and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10). As the old spiritual song goes, “He's got the whole world, in His hands... he's got you and me baby, in His hands...” May the LORD our Heavenly Father help us trust in Him. Amen.

4.10.20 • Facebook

and another post about rebirth, about resurrection:

The Scriptures make clear that Yeshua is the true Passover Lamb of God (שֵׂה הָאֱלהִים) whose sacrificial death and shed blood causes the wrath of God to "pass over" (pasach) those who are trusting in Him (John 1:29, 3:36; Acts 8:32-36; 1 Cor. 5:7-8; 1 Pet. 1:18-20, etc.). Amen! Worthy is the Lamb who was slain! (Rev. 5:12). But while the sacrifice of Yeshua gives us forgiveness (סְלִיחָה) and atonement (כַּפָּ��ָה) with God (Eph. 1:7; Rom. 5:11; Heb. 9:12, etc.), the resurrection of the Messiah (i.e., techiyat ha-Mashiach: תְּחִיַּת הַמָּשִׁיחַ) justifies His work of salvation on behalf of the sinner and forever vindicates the righteousness of God (Rom. 4:20-5:1; Rom. 10:9; Heb. 13:20-21). As Yeshua said: "I am he that lives but was dead; but behold, I am alive for evermore (הִנֵּה אֲנִי חַי לְעוֹלָם וָעֶד), Amen; and have the keys of hell and of death" (Rev. 1:8). Rejoice friends, for our LORD lives! He has killed the power of death and forever reigns in indestructible life!

The resurrection of Yeshua is not an "academic" or speculative question to be considered in purely rational terms, but rather is a matter of eternal life or death. How we choose to respond to its message determines our destiny. Everything turns on whether we awaken to the risen reality and Presence of Yeshua in our lives. Without Him we are hopeless; with Him we are more than conquerors (1 Cor. 15:14; Rom. 8:37).

Everything turns on whether we awaken to the risen Reality and Presence of Yeshua in our lives...

Yeshua completely atoned for our sins and His resurrection validated that God the Father accepted His sacrifice. It was God the Father (i.e., Reality) who raised Yeshua in victory (Gal. 1:1, Rom. 10:9), and those who put their trust trust in Him are declared righteous on account of their faith. Yeshua “was delivered for our offenses, and raised again for our justification” (Rom. 4:25). As Jesus Himself said, "Because I am alive, you also will live" (John 14:19). [Hebrew for Christians]

4.10.20 • Facebook

to be concluded by yesterday’s email sent out by The Temple Institute in Jerusalem that gives a glimpse from a Jewish perspective of the significance of Passover:

"I remember to you the lovingkindness of your youth"

(Jeremiah 2:2)

Nisan 16, 5780/April 10, 2020

Earlier this week, on the Seder night, we all experienced what it was like to be in Egypt on that first Passover eve: we were all instructed (commanded) to stay inside our own houses while a wicked plague was running rampant outside. We all painted our doorposts with the blood of our faith and trust in G-d. And like the Israelites we have emerged from the Seder night into a world of uncertainty. We know in hindsight that it all worked out for the children of Israel. We know that seven days after leaving Egypt the Sea of Reeds opened for the Israelites to pass through, while Pharaoh and his legions were buried beneath the waves. We know that fifty days after leaving Egypt Israel stood at Mount Sinai and received Torah, entering into an eternal covenant with HaShem. We know that forty years later, after many trials and tribulations, Israel entered into the promised land. We even know that two thousands years after her Holy Temple was destroyed and her children were driven into exile, Israel has returned to her ancestral homeland, proving all the naysayers wrong, and verifying the words of the Hebrew prophets. We know all this. But the erstwhile slaves who walked out of Egypt with their meager belongings slung across their backs didn't know this. Hundreds of years later the prophet Jeremiah (2:2) noted:

"Go and call out in the ears of Jerusalem, saying: so said HaShem: I remember to you the lovingkindness of your youth, the love of your nuptials, your following Me in the desert, in a land not sown."

Traditionally, many Jews at the conclusion of the Seder, (if still awake), sing aloud the Song of Songs. Many Jews also recite the Song of Songs on the Shabbat of Passover, in the synagogue. What, you may ask, does a love song have to do with the exodus from Egypt? Thousands of years ago our sages recognized in the words of the Song of Songs a beautiful parable describing Israel's exodus from Egypt and rendezvous with G-d in the wilderness. The two lovers of the Song of Songs are HaShem and His people Israel. They long for one another, they are plaintive when the other seems hidden and they rejoice when they are reunited.

Today we may also cry out at times to G-d "Where are You in this time of Corona, in this time of uncertainty?" The Song of Songs provides our answer: "The sound of my beloved! Behold, he is coming, skipping over the mountains, jumping over the hills. My beloved resembles a gazelle or a fawn of the hinds; behold, he is standing behind our wall, looking from the windows, peering from the lattices." (Song of Songs 2:8)

This Shabbat take the time to read aloud Song of Songs, and relive for yourself the first flowering of love between the children of Israel and the G-d of Israel, even as we today, are traveling through "a land not sown," into a future not certain, but for one eternal verity: "I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine." (ibid 6:3) Chag Sameach & Shabbat Shalom!

[dandelliongirl]

2019!!!

The year of ME

It’s the 2nd of January and oh boy did December just fly by. I’m sad to be taking down my Christmas tree in a few days..

The last few weeks of work were busy but a lot of fun. We had so many Christmas parties that we barely had enough time for all the meetings and other work. We also got to leave early on Friday the 21st, which was super nice. I went home to my parents on the evening of the 22nd after some much needed me-time and building a cozy Christmas house in the Sims 4. On the 23rd me and mum drove through a literal winter wonderland with trees sugarcoated in fresh snow to visit grandmum, grandpa and my uncle. We helped grandmum with her Christmas cooking and spent a few hours over there before driving back home listening to Christmas music. Grandmum gave me new mittens with flowers and pearls in them that she’s made, and money to go and buy myself a piano book. ♥

The 24th was spent traditionally. I woke up early to watch Christmas cartoons, we had rice porrige for breakfast and went to light up candles at the graveyards. This time I left a candle for my godfather as well.♥ Then it was time for Christmas sauna, although mum couldn’t go (or didn’t want to go?) because her surgery scars are still pretty fresh. It breaks my heart to see her go into the bedroom and close the door and be careful nobody sees her. I hope it’s just because she doesn’t want me to see and it isn’t actually as big of a deal for her but it must be pretty intense having your body go through such changes nonetheless.. After sauna we had a delicious meal (reindeer, parsnip puré, sweet potato fries, beetroot casserole and gravy, with panna cotta for dessert), watched From all of us to all of you (as is tradition) and handed out presents. I got a new set of pajamas, mittens, a giftcard for a pedicure, a giftcard for clothes and a painting (although it’s more like a framed paper cutout craft). Me and my boyfriend also got a present together. Mum and dad really liked their presents as well. I can’t remember if I wrote about them already but I got mum some pajama pants, a new Sauna seat cloth, a shower gel and a hand cream. Dad got a sweater and a Star Wars workout shirt. Both of them got some tea and for our summer house I got a sauna headrest, a book about natural herbs and a bird book.

On the 25th me and dad visited my other grandmum and cousins and had a Christmas lunch with them. My twin cousins are going to start their military service in a few days, which is incredible.. In the evening mum and I went for a long walk and we made pizza for dinner.

On the 26th I went xc-skiing with dad for the first time this winter and it was a lot of fun. I did 6-ish kilometers on my first run this year, which is really motivating. Back in the day 5 km was not even a consideration and now I did it on my first run of the season! Other than that we spent our days until the 27th chilling together and being cozy. It was much needed and so very nice.

My new sleeping cottage was supposed to be delivered to our summer house before Christmas but the truck that was supposed to transport it broke down. Then it was supposed to be loaded up and delivered on the 27th but turns out it was too big to be transported without a permit so I still don’t have it. I hope it gets here soon, it’s been snowing nonstop and it’ll be impossible to transport it in this weather.. I’ve already planned out the layout and furnishings, and even bought a sheephide from my sheep farmer colleague for the main living space. I want it to be spring already!

On the 27th both me and my guy came back to the apartment. He opened my present and I opened my new pair of knit wool socks from his grandpa. My parents got us two board versions of escape room games. We played our first round of The Captain is Dead with little success but it was a lot of fun anyway. On the 28th we went shopping and helped our friend find new frames for new glasses. She came over to try The Captain is Dead with us but we still didn’t win the game. On the 29th I met up with my ballet friends for some frozen pizzas and long chats. It was amazing to see them again since one is in London and the other two have moved across the country. I’m so proud of us for staying in touch since it would be really easy to drift apart now that we don’t go to class together anymore. Every last Friday of the month we tell each other how we’re doing and occasionally message each other in-between.

The 30th of December was spent playing Mass Effect Andromeda with my guy, and for New Years Eve two of our friends came over to make pizza, play Cards Against Humanity, go watch fireworks, play The Captain is Dead (AND finally beat it!) and play The Ultimate Chicken Horse until 4am. We all slept in until past midday on the 1st, my friend left and me and my guy started the Witcher 3 (finally). He’s playing it on my PC because I can’t be bothered to care for Geralt too much as a character and also the game is really graphic for my tastes. I’m reserving the rights to change my opinion on these two points as the game goes on however.

Now that I’m all caught up it’s time for the usual New Years sap. 2018 was a really hard year for me but DAMN if I didn’t SMASH all my goals and achieve so much. I aced my MA thesis and GRADUATED, I found out I passed JLPT N2, I was ASKED for my dream job without even applying for it, I spent 3 AMAZING weeks travelling around Japan and got to cross off Sanrio Puroland from my bucket list. It was the warmest summer since 2014 and I got to spend so much time with mum and dad at our summer house. I got to start a new hobby and tried lots of new things in 2018. Looking at my passion planner from 2015 all my 3 year goals have been achieved and I am so incredibly proud of myself for it. So what about 2019 then?

2019 will be a year to continue the process of reinvention, reassessing and reprioritizing that I was sort of forced to start in 2018 with a new stage in life. That also came with a total lifestyle rebranding in what I eat, what I wear and what I want from my future. 2019 is also a year to dream big and start working towards those dreams. My successes up until now have given me confidence to know that I can achieve any goals, hopes and dreams I set for myself (as long as they’re somewhat realistic).

Being happy and having time to relax are so much easier now that I have a job and I feel like things are exactly the way they’re supposed to be. That also comes with a creeping fear of stagnation, which is why in 2019 I’d like to spend time learning new skills (namely improving my photography and piano) and reading/listening to books and podcasts to keep on learning now that I’m not actively studying anymore. I’d hate to come home from work and waste away on the sofa day after day. In addition to learning new skills and keeping my mind and body occupied I’m going to pay more attention on body conditioning and increasing my flexibility. I finally bought myself a foam roller (a really expensive one at that!) and it’s been worth every cent. I’ve also been following stretching routines and hopefully this spring I could go to a yoga or Body Balance class more often. Another obvious goal is to continue on my fitness path and it is really motivating now that I’ve actually seen results from my diet change in 2018 as well as from starting Body Combat. In more ways than one I feel like 2019 will be my year to relax and spend time on things that matter to me. I’m excited. ☼

So the Tumblr exodus of December 17th 2018 happened and my blog seems largely unaffected. Regardless I’m glad to have a backup of my diary posts just in case. Seems like these random occasional diary posts will continue for now. I’m trying to stick to a minimum of once a month but we’ll see. I’m not going to guilt myself over it since going through my old blog posts I literally wrote which homework I did and on what day. Yes, I know it was mainly to keep myself accountable but still I feel like even though these longer recap posts take hours to write and I might miss important memories or other details the contents are much more relevant than what I ate and which part of the syllabus I revised on what day. Heh.

Happy 2019 - hope it brings relief to the world and success to all the deserving, kind and friendly people. ♥

[felicezhukov]

:: Dear Nicolas Jaar ::

Its one of those days, I’ve just spilled my second pint of water, the first was earlier when I was waking up, lowering myself back into bed to write this letter to you, I called myself a stupid bitch when it happened in lieu of the fact my ex wasn’t there to do it, no shouting resounded or escalation occurred, I was alone. I’m clumsy, I break stuff, knock things over, get caught on women’s scarves on buses, or stuck in my ear phone wires at Tesco’s counters, laugh so loud sometimes that people look at me in shock, a couple of days ago my ex said this to me regarding my angel: “You haven’t scared her off have you? The monies still there?” The final countdown before my exodus has started, its less than a week till I move, less than a week till I, probably, throw the majority of my possessions in the bin. I guess when I mentioned the week had been extraordinary in my Friday letter it might not seem to the typical observer that anything particularly special has taken place but my soul and my state of mind have undergone transformative journeys, spiralling left, right, up and down, through anxiety, heavy almost flabby contentment, absolute jubilation, scuttling fearful tremors, in the gaps between these ferocious states I find myself crying, it’s overwhelming. I filmed a performance on Sunday night that seems to encapsulate my current state, which I’ll go in to more detail about a little later, it charts this emotional instability, despite that not being the plan, within it I am every facet of myself, hopefully it’ll be online by the end of this mammoth admin session I’m undertaking today. 

As a performance artist I think thats my schtick, my performances aren’t really so much dedicated enactments but instead just me, raw, frank, channeling all my elements, now I’ve poured over my past in detail to put it all online I notice it’s been the theme throughout my oeuvre. 

Right now I’m paralysed, I can’t do anything I normally do, no dressing up, no reading, no flaneurism. I keep getting the bus, I feel a resistance to my usual routes through the city, there’s something painful in the prospect of walking through Victoria or Haggerston park at the moment, I see shadows in the tree’s of these cherished spaces. Shadows of anticipation, shadow’s of love and savagery, shadows of loss. Give me a week and this should all be a memory, a shadow in its own right, at least I hope so.

It need’s to, and will, change dramatically, last time I moved away from my ex things dipped though and my fear is this will happen again. I’m going to have to start balancing my finance’s, something that takes a lot of discipline for me, I have this issue with money, it causes a violent reaction in me when I have it, a physical repulsion, a need to expunge and rid myself of it, like I’ve been overcome by a demon that needs to be exorcised. The concept of accumulating this hateful element fills me with dread and desire, which must somehow in part explain why I’m so useless at selling what I create and pushing my wares on people. 

There’s this absurd sense of nobility coursing through my veins, I see it in my father as well, I find it the whole concept of marketing myself and pushing myself on others scandalous, I’d much prefer people come to me of their own free will, heart and soul aligned. In a society where the normality is to be the sum of our buying power I feel a sense of pride in this, so much is being sold to us on various levels of our consciousness, cookies, buses swathed in posters, soundcloud adverts, asos emails, suggested everything, marketing is the very air we breath, especially in a metropolis where the eyeline is never not inundated with messages of potential happiness, just a tap away.

But thats not to say I’m not happy to share, that must already be clear in these letters, all my insides are out and on display in various walled gardens across the internet. This sale is just causing me a lot of internal bleeding, now I’ve catalogued the 190+ items it incorporates and uploaded them, I’m drowning, how do I rid myself of these objects in a diligent and respectful way? The restful mornings of self guided education have been replaced by incessant letters to you (these are important for giving this whole thing a soul), answering messages, nagging, tagging, planning, photographing, uploading, editing, despairing, the saving grace of this upward struggle is that I’m allowing myself to do yoga and categorise it by writing everything to you, I need soul food right now. 

As an example this is my to do list today:

* make 6x animations / 6x written pieces / 6x mini videos from pre recorded footage to upload on to instagram (this has been on the list for days, it keeps getting pushed back)

* go to studio, take more detail shots of items I want to put on ebay as this will increase their chances of being sold, items on list include my wedding ring, larger paintings, designer clothes then come home, pay my ebay fee’s so my access is unrestricted and upload everything including necessary details – then post this to my social media accounts

*promote my sale on facebook by linking from twitter and poss instagram, adding to community groups, messaging friends

* pay rent to my studio’s then email them to ask about my move and if I will need to hire a skip

* type up this letter, post to facebook and screenshot, post to twitter, tag you

*answer and correspond with all the beautiful people that are messaging me about the sale, answer questions, like comments and reply

* edit the film I made on Sunday, render, upload to youtube, share on social media platforms, post on my site

* eat? drink?

* do yoga

* wash hair?

* put together synopsis and brief for arts programme I am curating for a meeting tomorrow, consolidate the idea

This is the bare bones of my itinerary, I’ve done 2 of the tasks so far, I know its not unusual for a Londoner to be so busy and I bet your schedule looks like this sometimes, but really I’d just like to crawl in to bed and read and write a little and then fall asleep. This is probably the apex of my project now and there will be a brief reprieve, but before I cast everything asunder I have to do my life some justice so I’m not cursing myself in future years, and I’m working for the next 4 days, 12 hour shifts nearly daily so its the last push before the major haul the beginning of next week.

Relentlessness. 

So then…. Part 3 // Sunday

On Sunday night I filmed myself performing for 6 hours plus, by all rights is was as demanding as the mermaid descent, but it was impromptu, I wasn’t naked, covered in paint, fucking 2 cucumbers, so it didn’t quite have the same edge.

I came to on the studio of my floor rolled up in a blanket on a duvet cover I use as a rug of sorts, thick white make up and glitter caked in my eyes, permanent wine coloured lip stick still reverberating over my lips. I’d passed out re-watching the footage I’d taken of myself staging 7 scene’s, dressed in variously important pieces from my wardrobe, singing some of the my most treasured songs, or stumbling over them in the case of witness the fitness by roots manuva. In the background the sonic landscape was shaped by various mixes of yours I’ve found on soundcloud, bleating from my i phone speakers.

Firstly I crawled around the central space in a turquoise swimming costume, shooting myself coming towards the camera from various angles, trying to make creative use of the runway like black borders which are the echoes of the descent installation. Then I shimmied and pulsated in terracotta sequins, attempting to channel my inner seductress, envisaging jessica rabbit, whilst adorning myself in the bloodletting costume pieces. Following that I hit things with ping pong bats and comically attempted to mc, stumbling over gorgeous lyrics and twerking in my adidas, I was with the mermaids for this and I’m sure they were silently mocking me. Next the black lipstick and adventure time sweatshirt were paraded around, as a backdrop to me turning myself into a human display case, though the actual performance was probably the best. I then threw on my big white shirt (not the alexander wang, but the one I wore to my little brothers wedding), I hugged the unicorn, blew bubbles and sang behind acrylic glass. The penultimate scene saw me dress in preppy tan vintage adidas shorts and a pink silk bomber, clumsily adorning myself in all my jewellery and gratingly bursting through lyrics. Finally at 2am I somehow managed to strap myself in to my wedding dress, read a harrowing letter from my teenage self and blurrily cry through the lyrics of one of the most potent songs I’ve ever met. But I didn’t pass out in my wedding dress, though that’d be a more aesthetic turn. 

The film is as if you’re watching a young girl raid her mums jewellery and clothes collection and film herself in her bedroom, except this girl has the weight of adulthood clearly marked on her shoulders. The developed pains of experience, etched on her face. Having your mixes as a background noise wasn’t intended that night, and in a way it really detracts from my singing, but I was all alone in my studio building and having your music on made me feel less scared. 

It might be that I could of made better use of my time on a more organised aspect of this project, but these performances are the legacy of my life thus far, I’m manically creating them as documentation, because very soon it will all be gone.  I want proof for myself that it did all really exist, and it was beautiful. 

That video should be uploaded later today.

I hope you have something like yoga in your life to centre you when things are chaos. 

[stmartinspress-blog]

The following excerpt is from Bears On the Streets: Three Journeys Across a Changing Russia, a nuanced, deeply researched look at the lives and beliefs of ordinary Russians over time. It goes on sale January 31st.

At one-thirty in the morning, 15 hours after leaving Vladivostok, my train pulled into Birobidzhan. Lugging my bags onto the platform, I looked up at the sight that had so surprised me back in 1995: on the station building, the word Birobidzhan was written not only in Russian, but in Yiddish too.

I glanced for just a moment, as I was nervous to be arriving alone in the dead of night. Fortunately, a few other people had straggled off the train, so I followed them toward a parking lot where, to my relief, there were a couple of waiting taxis. I climbed into one and told the young driver, “Hotel Vostok.”

The boxy, six-story Vostok sits in the center of Birobidzhan, just a few blocks from the train station. I carried my bags up the front steps and into the lobby, and an older woman seated behind the front desk took my passport. Then she looked at her com- puter and said, “You booked your room for the twelfth. But today is the thirteenth.” She tsk-tsked, shaking her head. “You should have booked for the thirteenth, saved yourself some money.”

“But it’s two a.m. on the thirteenth,” I told her. “Check-in time is noon. I wouldn’t have wanted to wait that long to get into my room.”

“Oh, no,” she said. “We put people in rooms as they arrive. It’s the thirteenth today, so you should have booked for the thir- teenth. Very simple. That’s your mistake.” Now I was irritated, but it made no sense to argue. As she fiddled with papers behind the desk, I looked to the side and saw a freestanding rack labeled “Souvenir Shop.” The only items displayed were a dozen small, framed paintings of black-hatted Jewish men in various poses—carrying menorahs, playing poker, playing clarinet while floating in a flock of birds, staring a giant fish in the face. They were bizarre, bordering on anti- Semitic, and I wondered idly why the hotel didn’t just carry postcards instead. Then, the woman interrupted my reverie by asking how I wanted to pay for my room.

I handed her a credit card. “Ohhh,” she said, and pinched it between her forefinger and thumb as though handling a rare document. She fished around under the desk, pulled out a hand- held credit card reader, and said, “I never do this. I hope I don’t mess it up.” She ran the card through the slot very, very slowly. Not surprisingly, it didn’t register. “You have to do it a little faster,” I told her. “Don’t be afraid.” She tried a couple more times, and finally the card registered.

She peered again at her computer. “It says to type in the last four numbers on the card,” she said. “And then press oak.” Press oak? She was speaking Russian, but she said this last word in English, like the tree. I leaned over the counter to look, and on her computer screen was a prompt with the word “OK.” This was becoming a very entertaining hotel check-in.

After some hesitation, the woman managed to type in the four numbers and press oak. Then she told me my room num- ber and wished me a good night.

“And the key?” I asked.

“There’s a dezhurnaya upstairs,” she told me. A dezhurnaya! In the Soviet era, hotels always had dezhurnayas—ladies sta- tioned on each floor who kept the room keys and monitored comings and goings—but I hadn’t encountered such a system in years. Birobidzhan truly did seem to be stuck in a time warp, which was perhaps not surprising, considering the odd history of the place.

In the late 1920s, more than two decades before the State of Israel was established, Joseph Stalin decided to create a Jewish homeland in Russia. But not just anywhere in Russia: the gov- ernment’s decree designated land “near the Amur River in the Far East”—a desolate, swampy outpost 4,000 miles away from Moscow. If the map of Russia were a dartboard with Moscow at the bull’s-eye, Birobidzhan, nestled above the northeast corner of China, would be the spot where a drunk guy accidentally chucked his dart into the wall.

To convince Jews to move there, the government offered free railroad passage, free meals along the way, and 600 rubles to each settler. Soviet propaganda organs produced pictures of smiling workers hauling grain and driving tractors, all of them tanned and happy under the perpetually sunny skies of Stalin’s promised land. Thousands of Jews took up the government’s offer, coming from not only Russia but all over the world— Argentina, the United States, even Palestine—to settle in the new Jewish region.

Some came to escape anti-Semitism. Many came because they had nothing, and therefore nothing to lose. And even more came in the early 1930s to escape starvation, as tens of thou- sands of Soviets began suffering and dying under Stalin’s brutal collectivization policies in Ukraine. As waves of migrants con- tinued to flow here, the Soviet government in 1934 designated the area as the Jewish Autonomous Region, with Birobidzhan as its capital.

This sounded pretty, but the reality was less so. The defining characteristics of the Jewish Autonomous Region were freez- ing winters, blisteringly hot summers and clouds of ravenous mosquitoes. So, even though 41,000 Jews arrived during that first decade, 28,000 of them turned around and left by the end of 1938. Yet new migrants just kept on coming, and by 1948 the region’s Jewish population had swelled to 30,000. Then came a sudden, brutal wave of anti-Jewish repression, as the Soviet government closed schools and synagogues, arrested writers, and drove Jewish cultural and religious life under- ground. From that point on, the Jewish population here began a slow decline.

A visitor to Birobidzhan during the Brezhnev era might hear older men speaking Yiddish in the park, but apart from that, not much marked this place as a onetime Jewish homeland.

Glasnost led to a modest revival of Jewish culture in the 1980s, but it also led to a new, possibly final, exodus, as thousands of Jews took advantage of newly relaxed travel laws to leave the country. Following the collapse of the Soviet Union in 1991, the floodgates truly opened, and thousands more streamed out, in- cluding most of the remaining Jews of Birobidzhan. By the end of 1992, fewer than 5,000 Jews were left here.

So, when Gary and I arrived in Birobidzhan in September 1995, we weren’t sure how much—if any—Jewish culture we’d find. I asked around to see if there was a synagogue in town, but nobody seemed to know. A taxi driver agreed to take us on a search, and after driving in circles, we managed to find a small wooden building with wrought-iron Stars of David in the win- dows. I knocked on the door, and a short, white-bearded man wearing a yarmulke answered.

This was Boris Kaufman, the self-appointed keeper of what turned out to be Birobidzhan’s only synagogue. There was no rabbi in Birobidzhan, Boris told us, so there were no official prayer services here. But twice a week, he led services for a small group of mostly elderly women. “Please join us for the next one, if you’d like,” he said. We eagerly accepted, excited to witness a service in this historic remnant of the once-thriving Jewish Autonomous Region.

When Gary and I arrived at the appointed time, Boris asked me to put on a headscarf. I wasn’t familiar with Jewish rituals, so I didn’t think anything of it, but once the service started it quickly became clear that Boris was making up his own rules. Because what we ended up witnessing was more evangelical tent revival than Jewish service.

Boris read from a Hebrew prayer book, shuddering and rock- ing back and forth in apparent religious ecstasy, while the old women, weeping and waving their hands, called out verses from the New Testament. “Jesus said, ‘I am the way, the truth and life!’ ” one shouted, as Boris rocked in his chair, a little smile on his lips. It was a jarring scene, as Boris later acknowledged. “Per- haps it bothers some people that we worship Jesus here; I don’t know. I’ve never asked them,” he told me. “But it’s not as though we took over the synagogue from Jews who wanted to hold ser- vices. The generation of older Jews who used to come gradually died out, and no one else came to fill the void.”

Yet Boris, who was ethnically Jewish, also told us he wanted to see Birobidzhan’s Jewish culture preserved. Every morning before the sun rose, he and his mentor, a twenty-something former Yeshiva student named Oleg Shavulski, sang Jewish prayers. A slender, sad-eyed man with a neatly trimmed beard, Oleg taught Boris how to wear the tefillin and translated Hebrew words the older man didn’t know. When we asked about the Jesus-worshiping gatherings in the synagogue, he sighed heavily. “Boris is confused,” he said. “But he will come around eventually. One does not come to the truth in one day or two days. It takes many days.” Oleg was one of the most vocal proponents of revitalizing Jewish culture in Birobidzhan. He told us there were promising signs: Sunday school classes (taught by Oleg) had started up again, a new cultural center had opened, and School No. 2 was not only offering Yiddish classes again, they were also putting on a Rosh Hashanah pageant the following week.

Yet it was hard to avoid the feeling that this was too little, too late. With no rabbi, no functioning synagogue, and no prospects for getting either anytime soon, how much longer could the city’s Jewish community survive?

For that matter, how long could Birobidzhan itself survive in the face of its shattered economy? In the four years since the collapse of the USSR, factories had closed down, thousands of people had lost their jobs, and many who were still working hadn’t been paid in months. With its tree-lined streets and small-town feel, Birobidzhan wasn’t without its charms, but the lack of employment and a persistent sense of malaise were like a cloud hovering just overhead.

This place was dirt poor, and what little money did trickle in went straight to Sokhnut, an organization whose main purpose here was to help Jews get out. “No one wants to invest any money in this city,” Oleg said bitterly. “The easiest thing in the world is to leave, to quit. But there will always be Jews in Birobidzhan, and we must make it possible for them to have a normal spiri- tual life. Someone must be here to take care of those who stay.” This, we discovered, was the central question for Birobid- zhan’s Jews in 1995: Stay, and work to revive the city? Or call it a day, and move to Israel (or Europe, or North America)?

Sokhnut director Mikhail Diment, a weary-looking man of 60 whose office was decorated with a large Israeli flag, spent every day working to help people leave. “We are the one race that knows exactly where it came from,” he told me. “We are linked by faith, by the Torah. And Israel is our homeland.” Those who wanted to leave, he said, should feel no guilt for doing so.

Author David Waiserman, who was born and raised in Birobidzhan, was dismayed by the mass exodus. “The Jews who are leaving this city are leaving for one reason: econom- ics,” he told me. “They got a call from somebody in Israel who said, ‘Hey, Moishe! Get over here and have a look at this place! They got nice cars here, and great food!’ So the people go.” He paused. “But my parents built this city. They are lying in its graveyard. How can I just pick up and go? This is where my roots are.” Maria Shokhtova, a Yiddish teacher at School No. 2, told me that during her childhood in Ukraine, her father prayed “every morning and every night. He knew all the rituals, and we used to go to the synagogue.” But these days, she didn’t do any of those things—and she didn’t know anyone else who did, either. “I live in a little village called Waldheim with my daughter now,” she told me. “When we first came to Waldheim, it was all Jewish. Now you can hardly find any Jews there.”

Alexander Yakubson, a 48-year-old lawyer, was truly torn about what to do. He and his family had emigrated to Israel in 1991, then returned to Birobidzhan three years later to find it a changed place. “When we left Russia in 1991, the economy was more stable, the factories were still working. There was almost no crime,” he said. “When we returned last year, the picture was totally different. There are so many unemployed here now, so many people are poor. Now the Russians envy the Jews in this country, because the Jews can leave.”

“My wife wants to go back to Israel,” he said. “I’m not sure what I want.” Hearing the anguish in his voice, I couldn’t help but think that perhaps when you have two homelands, you really have none. Because you never know where you truly belong.