#i am constantly screamed at everyday by my sister | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

angelicyouth · 2 years ago

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Youth ; Chapter 4

⇢ pairing: kenny mccormick x marsh!reader x craig tucker

⇢ synopsis: ❝Growing up with the boys as the sole girl of the group, it was only natural for them to grow protective over their pseudo-little sister as the years went by.❞

⇢ warning: underage drinking

⇢ [AO3 link] ; [series masterlist] ; [previous] ; [next]

All my life, I’ve always found beauty in chaos. It has its way of following the boys and I around, constantly looming over our shoulders—overcast but responsible for many precious memories. When it becomes overwhelming, the knowledge that we’re always in it together makes everything seem smaller and possible.

This is the first time I’ve faced it alone.

Because growing up, you learn about two people loving each other. It’s impossible not to when it’s etched into our everyday lives—romcoms on the television, love songs on the radio, my mom and dad at home. The sacred marriage is traditionally shared between two and so, a variation of it hasn’t been discussed in the small redneck town of South Park.

I became terrified that there was something wrong with me, that I was terribly sick and in need of help. Because as far as I knew, no one else felt the same way. It scared me enough to the point where I just tried to suppress it, ignoring it in hopes that it’d somehow resolve itself and disappear. It’s frightening to think of because everyone wants someone to love and cherish. I knew I was different and I was scared.

・ ─ ・ ⋯ ・ ─ ⊹ ♡₊˚๑

When the girls delivered the news of my acceptance into the cheer team, I informed them of my commitment right away. This decision would’ve been surprising a month ago but it was an excellent method of distracting myself. Although I was initially bummed out at how lonely I felt when the boys became busy with football, not having to make an excuse to get some space from them turned out to be a godsend. Granted, they still didn’t know about cheer because our practices lined up perfectly.

The announcement of the first football game coming up led to excitement throughout the school but for me, it unknowingly set the gears in motion to ruin. It started with throwing myself into cheer, forcing myself to unhealthily strive for perfection. Coming home tired, I’d then immerse myself in homework. Pages upon pages of supplemental material that was not mandatory were then consumed when the upcoming coursework was finished. Sleep became rare because lying down in bed, waiting for sleep to overtake me allowed enough time for unwanted thoughts to consume my mind.

I felt numb, as if I was watching myself from the outside, screaming at myself and trying to take control but unable to. Stuck on auto-pilot, going through the motions of everyday life: school, practice, homework, repeat. My memory became hazy, tunnel vision forcing me to just forget. It started off small and back then, it was manageable. But now I feel like I’m floating, lost and alone.

Seeing the red mark on my paper, the low number felt like it was mocking me. My hands begin to clench in frustration, creases ripple throughout the offending material until small tears upon it begin to form. What use am I when I’m already so sick, if I can’t even get good grades with all the time spent forcing myself on books?

A failure, is what.

Disgusting, even.

Repulsive.

I shakily turn the doorknob, lightly closing the door behind me lest I make a sound. I rummage, digging deeper until I find the temporary salvation I’m looking for. Nervous tremors reverberate along my hand as I don’t want to get caught. Searching and searching until shaking digits feel smooth glass, cold yet inviting.

My brother’s hidden alcohol stash.

The amber liquid burns down the length of my throat, the stinging a welcome feeling because I deserve the pain. This is what I needed and although temporary, I finally feel a sense of euphoria. Laughter emerges through the hurt, steadily growing louder and louder. There’s this near overwhelming feeling in my chest and I feel drunk on happiness until my body starts to rack in erratic shudders. I’m sobbing, I realize.

I want to curl in on myself and die in the safe confines of my bathroom but I feel bile start to slowly rise in my throat. It feels like I’m throwing up my intestines but it’s nothing but stomach bile from the lack of food. I hunch over the toilet bowl, my head aches and my chest feels so heavy. I cough and try to loosen up the tightness I feel in my ribcage but nothing helps, tears continue making their way down my cheeks.

I feel so mangled, like nothing makes sense anymore. I feel utterly lost, like I’d have a better chance at surviving in a scorching hot desert by myself than this. I’m in such a state of oblivion that I don’t notice the crowd beginning to form in the bathroom. Hands grasp at my shoulders until I tiredly pick up my head from the toilet seat, not caring about how disgusting it is. How disgusting I am.

The toilet flushes and a hand softly wipes my mouth with tissues before a new one is gently patting my cheeks dry. The action proves to be futile as tears continue to pour, relentless in escaping the confines of my tired red eyes. These hands are taking care of me in a way that is so nurturing and tender that I can’t help but to feel like I don’t deserve this kindness. I weakly lift a hand and try to swat the person away, shame filling me to the core.

“Shh, it’s okay.” I’m somehow able to make out Tweek’s worried form from the tears blurring my vision. The boys are behind him and the amount of bodies have them spilling out of the door frame. They’re all watching the scene in front of them in horror, completely lost and feeling useless.

“Leave me alone.” I babble hysterically. I didn’t want anyone to see me like this. I especially don’t want to see any of them. I only did this because no one was home, my parents out for date night. No one was supposed to be here.

The edge of cool glass touches my lips and I see that Butters is trying to gently urge me to take a sip of water. I don’t relent, my cries echo into the bathroom as the blonde’s other hand rubs soothing circles onto my back. Ripples of water touch my lips but I don’t allow them entry as sobs rack my entire body.

“Y/N, breathe.” I hear multiple voices in the background and I can’t discern who anyone is because this all feels like a dream, like a nightmare. I clench my eyes shut in a pathetic attempt to stop the tears.

I sob, “D-d-don’t touch me, you’ll get sick too.”

“It’s alright, baby. It’s probably just the flu or something.”

“No! N-not the flu.” I go back to hunching myself over the toilet bowl, bringing my arms up to settle my head into.

“What is it then, N/N?” I just shake my head in shame, my knee knocks over an empty can of beer in the process.

“We can’t help you if we don’t know what's wrong, babe. Tell us what’s wrong.”

I don’t respond, merely shaking my head again.

“You being sad makes me sad. Please, what’s wrong? We just want to help you feel better.”

Hands try to help guide me into a standing position but I let out a whine, refusing to budge. A sigh can be heard and I peek my head up to see my brother. He looks as lost as I feel.

“Will you at least talk to one of us if the rest of us leave?” He softly says and I feel bad, guilt consuming me. This is my problem, none of them should get dragged into it. Yet here they are, always sticking their noses into places they don’t belong.

I shrug.

“Y/N. Please.”

I burrow myself back into my arms, “Kyle.” I lowly mutter out.

Kyle, to me, is someone that I’ve always known to be both logical and empathetic. He’s a great older brother to both Ike and I, a person anyone can depend and rely on. He gives the best advice and his perspective on things always helps broaden mine. He’s always there to listen to me talk about anything or nothing at all.

Shuffling can be heard as everyone hesitantly disperses from the bathroom, the door shutting lightly behind them. I feel someone settle themselves behind me on the floor, their legs on either side of me. When I see that it’s the person I requested, I allow his arms to guide me into his caring embrace, leaning my head onto his chest.

He kisses the top of my head, and softly asks into tufts of hair, “What’s wrong?”

“Something’s wrong with me.” I hiccup.

“There’s nothing wrong with you... You don’t have to tell me now, okay? Just take your time. I’m here for you and I’m not going anywhere.” His arms tighten their hold around me.

I indulge myself in his comfort and burrow my face into the crook of his neck, seeking out his warmth against the contrasting cool tile lying underneath us. He doesn’t say anything when my sticky cheeks touch his skin.

“I love you.” He reassures me quietly despite the silence of the bathroom around us.

“And it hurts me to see you like this.” His voice cracks, making me feel worse. The kindness feels suffocating, consuming my body until I start to quickly gasp for air. Tears of frustration picks up, messily spilling their contents down already irritated cheeks.

It pains me to do this to the people that care, to push them away and hurt them when all I want is to surround myself in their solace. I try to speak up, babbling as hiccups start to rack my entire body.

“I can’t understand you, love.” Kyle softly says, “Take a deep breath, please.”

I desperately try to get some more air into me, one of my hands shoots out to shakily clutch at the material on his chest in an attempt to ground myself. “You’re doing good. Keep taking deep breaths for me, okay?”

I feel myself steadily calming down as I allow his soothing voice to guide me, focusing on the feel of fabric underneath my fingers, “There you go. Good job, beautiful. Tell me, what’s going on?”

“I’m sick.” It hurts me to say this because verbalizing my thoughts and feelings will speak it into existence, confirming that this is definitely real and that it’s actually happening.

“You’re not sick, N/N.” He patiently reassures me, his words of affirmation encourage me to continue.

“I am, Ky. I am. I’m disgusting.” I bitterly laugh, reciting the self deprecation I’ve been internalizing lately.

“No one thinks that of you, but tell me why you think you are.” I’m terrified to tell him and for Kyle to start hating me but I need to tell someone before I drive myself insane.

“I… I think I lo-... I think I like two different people… No, I know I like two different people.” I clench my eyes close, anxiety coursing through me as I await for his response. My heart beat starts picking up in pace and my hands begin to get clammy.

“... I don’t think I’m following. What's wrong with that? People have crushes on multiple people all the time.”

“No, no. It’s different.” I hesitate but with liquid courage still flowing through me, I decide that it’s now or never. “I think I like… Uh… Kenny… And Craig… Kenny and Craig… Yeah.”

It’s quiet for a moment too long and I start to worry.

“Wow, uh. I’d rather you not like anyone at all but I guess I’m just glad that it’s people I know and trust. This is still surprising though, I think I’m having a hard time processing this because I don’t think I’ve ever heard of you liking anyone.” It feels like a weight has been lifted off of my chest at the ushanka wearing teen’s words, his reaction a lot more mild than what I was expecting.

“You still don’t get it, Ky. Kenny and Craig. They’re not just crushes. I like them. Both of them, at the same time.”

“Okay, and?”

“It makes me feel bad… It makes me feel guilty because if for some reason, one of them were to ever like me back, I’d hate to ruin the years of friendship we have. To ruin the group dynamic and make things awkward if something were to happen.” I quietly confess.

“But most of all, I feel like I’m cheating on the other, I guess. I feel selfish. I know I’m not dating either of them but emotional cheating is still a thing. When I share a moment with one of them, I think about the other and feel terrible. I feel disgusting. I think to myself: how can I do this to him? It doesn’t feel fair to either of them. They don’t deserve that. They don’t deserve me. They deserve to be loved by someone who can wholeheartedly commit themselves to just them, someone who can devote all of their love to them.” My breathing starts to slowly increase as I continue, revealing my biggest concern and the current bain of my existence.

“How do I feel all of this for two people at the same time? What’s wrong with me, Ky? This makes me feel like a bad person but I can’t help what I feel for the both of them. I tried, and it won’t go away no matter what I do. Am I a bad person, Ky? Am I selfish?” Gasps of air start to resound the once quiet room as I struggle to inhale in my steadily mounting hysteria.

“Hey, hey. Everything will work out. Remember to breathe.” He patiently waits until I’ve calmed myself down.

“I can see why you’d feel that way. It’s completely valid but I think you’ll be just fine. The friendship between all of us isn’t that fragile and it’d take a lot to break it, so don’t worry. I’m actually kind of offended that you think so. If that were true, we would have dropped fatass a long time ago.” I lightly smile at the ginger’s words. Making fun of Cartman always cheers me up, it never fails.

“As for Kenny and Craig, I can’t say for certain on what's to happen. But I really don’t think you should feel guilty since you’re not officially committed to either of them. I think this just means you have a lot of love in you to give. And if it ever comes down to it, just be honest. Communicate.” He peers down at me, flashing me a warm smile in reassurance.

“I just know that life gives us hard times, but you’re strong N/N. You’re gonna get through this and you’ll get through this with all of us because we love you and we care for you. You only feel so bad because you care about the both of them so much, pretty girl. They’re both so lucky to have you, we all are.” His grin grows wider, pearly white teeth making their appearance.

“... You think so?”

“Yup, I know so. We’re okay. You’ll be okay. We’ll always be okay.” He kisses the top of my head, gently squeezing the arms around me tighter.

“I’m so proud of you for telling me. And I’m so proud of you for being honest with your feelings. I know it must have been hard. I love you.”

“I love you too, Ky.”

When Kyle and I exit the bathroom, we’re surprised to find the guys waiting for us out in the hallway in worry. I apologize for worrying them as Butters and Clyde pull me into their arms, Tweek nervously hovering nearby for his turn. I catch Kyle’s eyes over the blonde’s shoulder and he tenderly smiles at me, miming himself zipping up his lips and I smile.

Stan doesn’t mention me making a dent in his precious stash and for that, I’m thankful. When he’s not looking, I hide a blunt in between his clothes to find later. That night, I sleep with my older brother, his arms wrapped around me and my head to his chest listening to the other half of me.

I’m going to be okay. We’re going to be okay.

・ ─ ・ ⋯ ・ ─ ⊹ ♡₊˚๑

The day that everyone has finally been waiting for has come: the first football game of the season. Although things have gone back to normal (well, as normal as South Park can be) and I don’t need the distraction anymore, I’m still a member of the cheer team. And as a cheerleader, I’m required to wear the uniform to school as today is an official game day.

I leave the house early, before my brother even wakes up, and I catch a ride to school from Wendy. To my luck, there's a student council meeting today which is typically held an hour before school starts. I decide to take the time to wait it out in the library, seeking solitude in the quiet space. I know that the boys will eventually make the discovery but I’m going to do whatever I can to prolong the reveal.

My anxiety steadily climbs up as the time goes by and I wait until there’s just enough time to barely make it to class before the bell rings. I share homeroom with all of the boys and it’s the only class with all of us in it.

Adjusting my cheer bag, I take the time to correct my crooked bow and flatten my white, green, and black skirt. After scanning my appearance a final time in the bathroom mirror and making sure that everything is in place, I exit to see that there are only a few late stragglers in the almost desolate hallways. This prompts me to finally make the journey to class as no more detours can be made any longer.

I stare up at the door, my last barrier to the boys, and I silently curse at myself as I dreadfully realize that coming as late as possible means that all eyes will be on me when I make it through the door. I slowly push it open and take a tentative step into the classroom right as the bell rings, keeping my head down in a mixture of embarrassment and anxiety. But before I can get any step closer to my desk, the teacher calls me to his and I wince at my horrible luck.

“Ah, Ms. Marsh. A second please? Your science teacher received an assignment with no name on it and she wanted me to ask if it was yours. It looks like your handwriting so if it is, could you please write down your name on it? She won’t be here today so she left it with me yesterday. Hold on, let me look for it.” The teacher informs me, rummaging through the papers on his desk.

“Now, I know it’s here somewhere…” I internally scream at him to hurry the fuck up.

It’s quiet as the class waits for the morning announcements, only a few hushed conversations can be heard here and there as I awkwardly wait. The seconds go by and when I chance a glance at the clock on the wall, I can spot the guys from my peripherals. I’m presented with varying reactions of raised eyebrows or exaggeratedly dropped mouths. My cheeks redden and I quickly turn my head back to the teacher, fidgeting in place. When I get to my seat, the droning of the teacher gets interrupted as I feel a vibration from my pocket.

GROUP CHAT (EVERYONE)

ICantBeliveItsNot (Butters): thank you so much for helping me with my math hw, kyle! you’re such a thot :) <3

ElfKing (Kyle): I’m a WHAT??

ICantBeliveItsNot (Butters): a thoughtful person? eric taught me a new slang yesterday :3

HawkEyes (Clyde): Y/N!!!

HawkEyes (Clyde): UR IN CHEER?

HawkEyes (Clyde): ???

HawkEyes (Clyde): (picture of me at my desk in my cheer uniform)

HawkEyes (Clyde): (blurry picture of me in my cheer uniform irritated, trying to grab Clyde’s phone)

HawkEyes (Clyde): ????????

HawkEyes (Clyde): or is this some type of sexy cosplay

HawkEyes (Clyde): cause i'm down for either, so

N/N: UR SO ANNOYING LEAVE ME ALONE CLYDE

N/N: I’LL SUE YOU FOR UNSOLICITED PHOTOGRAPHY

HawkEyes (Clyde): HOW CAN I NOT

HawkEyes (Clyde): !!!!!!!!!

HawkEyes (Clyde): (heart eyes emoji) (drooling emoji) (red faced emoji with a sweat drop and its tongue hanging out)

ElfKing (Kyle): Dude.

Congo (Tolkien): Tweek has some coffee if you need something to drink, thirsty ass.

PeruvianPuffPepper (Craig): lmk if ur cold, i’ll give you my jacket to put over ur legs

N/N: <3

PussyMagnet (Kenny): nah nah if you need a jacket take mine, pretty girl

PussyMagnet (Kenny): it’s bigger and bigger is always better ;)

PeruvianPuffPepper (Craig): i doubt urs is warmer w/ all those fucking holes in it

PussyMagnet (Kenny): fuck off, asshole

KrazyKrippled (Jimmy): i agree w/ clyde

KrazyKrippled (Jimmy): i’d come to school everyday if it meant seeing you in ur cheer uniform

GrandWizard (Cartman): no wonder ms. ugoo hasn’t been bitching about football practice taking up our time

ICantBeliveItsNot (Butters): can you fellas stop texting in class, i don’t want the girls sitting next to me to think i’ve got a vibrator up my ass again

ElfKing (Kyle): Huh?

Congo (Tolkien): Pause.

StantheMan (Stan): ur WHAT??

GrandWizard (Cartman): again? wdym again???

ICantBeliveItsNot (Butters): (smiling emoji with its hand covering its mouth)

KrazyKrippled (Jimmy): i-

GrandWizard (Cartman): i fucking hate you so much, butters.

Congo (Tolkien): Oh god, the mental image.

HawkEyes (Clyde): here, let this cleanse ur eyes

HawkEyes (Clyde): (image of me flipping the camera off in my cheer uniform)

HawkEyes (Clyde): (praying hands emoji)

PussyMagnet (Kenny): shit, baby girl

PussyMagnet (Kenny): amen.

N/N: fuck off clyde, my parents wanted me to join so i did

StantheMan (Stan): mom and dad did? since when?? how did i not know about this???

N/N: it’s cause ur actually adopted, stanley. even shelley knew

N/N: step up

HawkEyes (Clyde): who the fuck cares dude, look at this!

HawkEyes (Clyde): (blurry picture of my bare legs and my cheer skirt)

PeruvianPuffPepper (Craig): dude. can you fucking stop

HawkEyes (Clyde): stfu tucker, i saw you save these pictures

StantheMan (Stan): craig???

PeruvianPuffPepper (Craig): (middle finger emoji)

KrazyKrippled (Jimmy): to be fair stan, i think everyone did

GrandWizard (Cartman): you guys are the reason why Y/N is so delusional about not being ugoo

ElfKing (Kyle): STFU cartman, delusion is you calling yourself big boned when you’re really just fucking fat.

GrandWizard (Cartman): AYE!

PussyMagnet (Kenny): give sharon and randy my thanks, stan

HawkEyes (Clyde): for the both of us, pls and thank you

PussyMagnet (Kenny): yeah, i’ll have tweek bake them cupcakes or something as thanks

IHateGnomes (Tweek): wh aaAa ?? ?

N/N: this is why i didn’t tell you guys

ICantBeliveItsNot (Butters): ahhh, pouting Y/N in her cheer uniform!! so cute :D

HawkEyes (Clyde): TAKE A PIC

StantheMan (Stan): QUIT IT W/ THE FUCKING PICTURES

・ ─ ・ ⋯ ・ ─ ⊹ ♡₊˚๑

In celebration of winning our first game, the boys and I decided to celebrate at the Donovan residence. Glowing embers wash all of us in golden hues as we gather around the campfire we set up, the warmth a contributing factor to our red cheeks along with the stolen booze from our parents. The energy surrounding us is infectious as laughter rings all around us in the air, a wide smile etched onto every face. Low music plays in the background, food filling our stomachs as we begin to roast some marshmallows for s’mores.

A large hand creeps into my vision in silent invitation and my eyes follow up along its owner's arms until I see that it's Kenny standing over me. He flashes me a boyish smile and when I softly place my smaller hand into his, the blonde’s cheeks cutely scrunches up as his teeth start to show. When long fingers wrap around mine, he gently tugs me into a standing position and I escape from the warm confines of the wool blanket that I was sharing with Tweek.

He leads me away from the group, fingers intertwined, a reassuring squeeze as orange hues gradually fade away until darkness surrounds the two of us. Kenny takes off his parka and drapes it over my shoulders before nudging my arm to get me to climb up Clyde’s treehouse, my lips quirking up at his constant caring virtue. I playfully shoot him a look of warning before I start my ascent up the ladder and despite it all, he still lightly taps my ass in jest to let me know that he was indeed, checking me out.

Once we’ve both made it to the top of the wooden structure, he gently wraps his arms around my waist and softly sways us to the beat of the faint music that could still be heard from outside. I giggle as I place my arms around his shoulders, following his slow steps as we launguidly move to the melody playing down below.

“Keeping me all to yourself, McCormick?” I lightly tease, “We could’ve done this down there.”

“You caught me.” He smirks, moving his hands to find purchase at my hips as his thumbs lightly smooth over the skin under my shirt. Goosebumps arise at the sensation and he gently says, “We’ve all been busy lately and after everything that’s happened, I just figured that I didn’t want to let any more time slide like this. I caught a glimpse of what I failed to see and that’s all I needed. I’d trade in a thousand nights for just one with you, Y/N.”

I shyly smile at him, my cheeks slowly heating up despite the dropping temperature. The moonlight streams in through the open window, casting its luminescence over us. The light kisses the handsome visage of the boy in front of me, hugging his features and accentuating the sharp angles that make up Kenny McCormick. On a moonlit night like this, I don’t think I’ve ever seen stars as bright as I did at this very moment.

“Look at the stars, look how they shine for you and everything you do.” The blonde softly coos in time to the music, as our feet glide across the wooden floors.

Our faces are close enough that every small wisp of air that escapes his parted lips lightly touches mine, a ghost of a touch that I wish to release reckless abandon on. I long to dive in and embrace their warmth but I fear that if I do I may sink in too deep, never able to go back up for air.

This close, I study the deep blue of his striking eyes, every shade made apparent from the small distance between us. His eyes are ever expressive, able to articulate all on their own without his lips having to move. Because of this, I never knew why no one ever understood the blonde when we were younger and his speech was muffled from his parka. Their beauty draws in my gaze and at this very moment, I feel like my whole world is reflected in them.

I gasp, spotting something twinkling from the corner of my eye, “A shooting star! Make a wish, Ken!”

“Did you wish for anything?” I excitedly ask, a broad smile adorns my face.

He softly chuckles, gently caressing both of my cheeks with slender hands and pressing a kiss to my forehead. He keeps hold of the sides of my head as he says, “No. How could I? Everything I can ever ask for is right here. You’re a dream come true, Princess. Not much I need when my whole world is literally in the palm of my hands, not even all the money in the world.”

I shove my face in the crook of the teen’s neck in embarrassment, his arms wrap back around my waist as his chest rumbles in fond laughter. I softly sing back to him, “Every word feels like a shooting star, I’m at the edge of my emotions.”

・ ─ ・ ⋯ ・ �� ⊹ ♡₊˚๑

The girls and I have a spontaneous day out at the mall, treating ourselves out to gossip over manicures and some much needed retail therapy. Towards the end of the day, we decide on watching the latest romantic comedy that Bebe has been vying to watch, to which we all agree to see for the blonde’s sake and ours lest she complains nonstop. Exiting the heavy doors of the movie theaters, we’re treated to the sight of the mesmerizing, vibrant colors of the sun as it begins its descent to sleep.

Content with the day I just had, I then decide to stop by the shop of my favorite coffee connoisseur on my way home, humming to myself as I jump over every crease I find on the sidewalk in childish delight. Skipping in happiness, I twirl to the beat of the music coming from the headphones over my ears, my skirt flaring all around me at the movement. I abruptly stop as I faintly hear someone calling out my name and I scan my eyes for the source until I see one of my old friends from North Park High.

He crosses the street with a grin on his face, delight at spotting a friend shining through his eyes, “Oh my god! Y/N! I haven’t seen you since what, June?”

I giggle in joy and relish in the warmth of the teen wrapping his arms around me in greeting, “I missed you, Bradley!”

We enter Tweek Bros. Coffeehouse together and I head to the counter to order our drinks as the blonde grabs us a seat. “Hi Tweek!” I happily sing, making grabby hands at the teen behind the counter.

“Ack! My cutest customer!” He laughs, reaching out his non-dominant hand so that I can intertwine our fingers together, the unoccupied one taking my order on the screen. I giggle, “And your favorite!”

“My favorite customer is also the cutest customer! Ngh! Y/N! Who’s that?” The barista asks.

“Hmm? Oh, Bradley? He’s a friend back from my freshman year!” I excitedly inform him, watching as he swiftly makes our drinks. I’ve always found joy in watching him make beverages, his twitching momentarily seizing as he confidently goes through the motions deeply ingrained in his body. His long fingers are mesmerizing as they produce delicious concoctions, his serious expression handsome.

Settling myself at the table, Bradley and I catch up on my old classmates, ooh’s and ahh’s animatedly escaping my mouth as I listen to the latest news.

“I’ve missed you so much, Y/N.” He softly tells me behind the porcelain mug holding the sweet hot chocolate he elected to indulge in tonight.

I playfully punch his arm, gently smiling. “The phone works both ways, Bradley. You know I’m only a phone call or text away. We may not go to the same school anymore but you’re still my friend. I’d be happy to hang out and catch up whenever our schedules align.”

He chuckles and before he can respond, a screeching sound pierces through the quiet ambiance of the cafe as someone loudly pulls out the chair next to mine. Despite not having an invitation, a figure seats themselves at my side, a muscular arm settling itself over my shoulders. I glance to my right in bewilderment, seeing that the self-invited guest joining us is Craig.

The stoic teen lightly squeezes my shoulder, pressing a quick kiss to the side of my head. “Hi, babe. Who’s this?”

“Craig! What’re you doing here? This is a friend from my old school, Bradley!” I giggle at the pleasant surprise, wrapping my arm around his lower back at the waist to bring the two of us closer.

“Hi! It’s nice to meet you.” The blonde greets, confusion crossing his features as his eyes dart between the two of us.

“Hmm.” Craig completely disregards him, grabbing my cup and drinking from it.

“Oh, uh. So, how do you two know each other?” Bradley is caught off guard when the newcomer completely disregards returning his greeting. A nervous smile presents itself on his face at the impartial teen seated in front of him as he tries to continue the one-sided conversation.

When Craig doesn’t respond, I gently pinch his side to urge him to reply. “Huh? Oh, you’re still here. I’m her boyfriend. Right, babe?” He lands a swift kiss to my cheeks, plush lips touching rapidly heating skin as the hand belonging to the arm wrapped around my shoulder possessively grasps my chin to angle it towards him.

My head snaps towards the tall teen after his display of affection as Bradley vocalizes both of our thoughts, chuckling uncomfortably. “Boyfriend? I didn’t know Y/N had someone in her life like that.”

”Oh, you’re not close enough for her to have told you?” One of Craig’s eyebrows pettily lifts up, trying to make the North Parker insecure about his relationship with me.

”Ah, I-… The info must have gone over my head.” Bradley purses his lips, offering the teen in front of him a tight smile.

“Yep.” The chullo wearing teen offers no other words, continuing to sip at the stolen drink, a blank stare on his face.

This causes an awkward standstill in the conversation as I’m lost as to what’s happening, unable to provide any explanation to the confused North Parker. I look between the two boys, Bradley exuding nervous energy and Craig nonchalant. Eventually, the curley haired blonde quickly excuses himself from the oppressive atmosphere in a bid to escape.

“Boyfriend? What was that about?” I question in confusion, my head racking through my memories in panic to see if I forgot something as monumental as the Craig Tucker becoming my significant other. Did I accidentally confess to him the last time we got high or something?!

“Tweek texted us about you being on a date. I thought you went out with the girls today?” He quirks an eyebrow at me and my jaw drops.

“I was! I was just heading home when I ran into a classmate from my freshman year! And why are you guys keeping tabs on me like that?” I sharply turn my head to squint my eyes at Tweek. A clatter is heard as he drops something when he ducks behind the front counter, a shrill Gyah! accompanying the sound.

“You bumped into a guy from North Park, all the way here? Hmm.” It doesn’t sound like he believes me.

“Yeah! He was here because he had to-, wait… Were you jealous, Tucker?” I slyly ask even though my heart feels like its about to rip out of my chest and butterflies will escape through the subsequent opening.

“Of course I was.” He calmly says as he drains the last drops of my caffeinated beverage.

“Yes, you wer—what.” I’m caught off guard at his easy admission, ready to be annoying if he denied it.

“What? Why’re you so surprised?” He finally places the mug down, his undivided attention now on me.

“I just… Uh…”

“I thought you knew that I’ve always chosen you. And I’ll continue to choose you, over and over. Without pause, without a doubt, in a heartbeat. I’ll keep choosing you because for me, there’s only you. So of course I’d be jealous to see you with another boy like that.” My cheeks quickly heat up at his casual admittance.

I shyly mutter, voice soft. “Bradley’s just a friend, Craig. His parents sent him to Camp New Grace when he was younger.”

Recognition flashes through Craig’s eyes, remembering the homophobic Christian camp that Butters was sent to when his parents thought he was bi-curious.

“Ah.” Various shades of pretty red adorn the teen’s cheeks in embarrassment at the misunderstanding.

It was a funny thing. Feelings, and the way that they blossomed in places that they had no business being in. Those very specific stomach churning butterflies and skipped heartbeats were unmistakably there every time I found myself in Craig Tucker’s presence.

“Well, regardless if you were interested in him or not doesn’t change what I said. You are, and always will be, in my heart. You have it now, and you’ve had it since I first laid my eyes on you. You own the biggest part of me already and I would love for it to remain that way.” He averts his eyes, using his unoccupied hand to scratch the back of his head in embarrassment.

My cheeks begin to ache at the ever present smile that presents itself in the boy’s presence. I bring my hand up, gently intertwining my fingers with those on the hand wrapped around my shoulder and lean my head against him.

Whenever Craig says stuff like this, I can never find the words to properly express the elation I experience at his charming words. Happiness floods my entire being to the point that it feels like I’m drowning. Not a bad kind, it’s the most beautiful type of drowning a human being can ever experience. The one where it’s all inside my rapidly beating heart. If I could just rip my heart open and let him see my feelings, then maybe he’d know. Because it would take a lifetime of both actions and words to convey the fondness I feel for this boy.

Despite knowing him all my life, I’m still always in awe that I’ve been given the chance and opportunity to be in the presence of someone as aloof as Craig. Someone notorious around South Park for his cold attitude, never giving girls the time of day.

I’m abundantly grateful to have a person like him in my life that it’d be hard to show any measure of it. Sometimes you don’t need to say words to say what’s in your heart but for him, I want to try. I can only hope to convey at least a small fraction of that with all the things I’m capable of doing on this Earth.

And to start that, I order us another round of beverages and a dessert to share between us, if only so we can stay here, in this moment, a little longer.

song: [yellow - coldplay]

a/n: the song kenny sings along to was what inspired this scene so i highly recommend having this play when you read this section of the chapter!♡

#south park #south park x reader #craig tucker x reader #kenny mccormick #craig tucker #south park fanfiction #kenny mccormick x reader #lalawrites

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cindol · 2 years ago

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HAIR DAY FOR THE KAWATA TWINS.

Nahoya Kawata x black fem reader

tw: fluff, reader is like a unofficial sister in law to souya <33, timeskip kawata twins, nahoya and reader have chemistry and aren’t a official couple, usage of pet names(ex: mama,ma), souya is called baby by y/n, kawata twins are blasian here, suggestiveness(??)

Doing the kawata twins hair had been a daily thing for you since you were just 14 and had just been introduced to the two by Draken since they needed a hair lady to fix up their hair. You never knew it would turn into an everyday thing of them asking your mama if you were available to braid their hair to them constantly coming to your house on Saturdays knocking at your door, but you weren’t complaining.

You practically had a whole set up for both the twins when you knew they were coming. you had your hair supplies on your table and two chairs with red velvet cushions on top of them with some extra magazines for Souya. Nahoya complains how you spoiled his little twin but you continue none the less.

The twins came just at the right time once you finish your set up too. You know that the two are here once you hear Nahoya’s loud “Yo!” outside your front door. You just huff and open your front door looking at his giddy smile and Souya’s embarrassed look at his brothers loud yelling.”It’s 10 in the damn morning and he started off yelling..” Souya mumbled making you shake your head at his older twin then wagged your finger at the two of them beckoning them to enter your house after them.

Once the two enter you went over to your hair kit. You were gonna ask who wants their hair done first but saw Souya immediately indulging in the magazine’s you had for him on your couch.”Just get started on me ma. You know he’s a tender headed baby.” You playfully rolled your eyes at him as Souya gave him the finger while he flipped pages of the magazine.”Don’t be mean to him ‘Hoya, cmere and sit in this chair so your hair can get done up.”

Nahoya sucked his teeth when you said.”That chair is so uncomfortable even with that cushion mama, can I just sit on the floor while you braid away?” The way he worded that made you slightly blush but nod.”If it makes my job much more easier with you? Yes.” He sucked his teeth once more but went near the couch and sat down on the floor as you came over with all hair products and combs/brushes sitting next to Souya with Nahoya between your legs.

Your heart skipped a beat a bit, just imagining if Nahoya was between your thighs in a different scenario like this but you brushed it aside and started on his hair.”Just simple cornrows right?” He nodded.”woulda done them myself but you know how shitty I am at it mama. I need a motherly touch on my hair.”

Souya snorted at that.”but I’m the baby..Grown man saying he wants a mommy to do a simple hairstyle on him.” Nahoya just gave him the finger with his head turned away, you just made a giggle at the twins banter. “Souya babyyyy, be nice now.”you warned in a playful tone while parting Nahoya’s hair.

The way you dragged out your Y’s in the word baby made Nahoya grip your legs a little weirdly.”see? That’s why I said I need a motherly touch on my head, you’re like a mama. Don’t get why you don’t got kids of your own.” Nahoya could tell you did your usual eye roll at him saying that.

“I’m bein’ serious ma. You would probably be a good mama, would be tomans very own first mama!” As you were doing his 2nd cornrow on his head.”Bullshit Hoya, I don’t even like kids.” Nahoya then took his turn to roll his eyes as that.

“Uhuh? The woman who cooes whenever she sees a baby with chubby cheeks in public hates doesn’t like children?” You huffed getting onto his 3rd cornrow but he continued.” The woman who nearly squeals and screams to me on face time about how her auntie is finally having twins?” You huffed once more and got on the fourth and final cornrow, done with his head.

You and Nahoya were now just chilling, laying together on the couch with Souya switching his place and sitting on the floor.”I’m bein’ serious y’know y/n. You could truly be a nice toman mama,”

#tokyo revengers nahoya #nahoya x you #tokrev nahoya #nahoya x y/n #tokyo rev x reader #tokyo rev x black reader #x black fem reader #tokyo rev fluff

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cysticnotes · 2 months ago

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Rant cuz not all three of them are neurodivergent but one of them is .

A lot of scandalous posts on how mental disorders makes u this weird cool and undergoing treatment for it might make you less interesting has successfully trapped a lot of the young gen minds . I know it because I have seen it in people around me , talking as if ADHD is a silly lil thing that makes u an interesting internet figure while you proudly rant about how you skipped your meals and u r just surviving on coffee, that too three cups and it's 9 pm *giggles* , expecting us to say slayy ???. I mean that's an eating disorder sister and ADHD is a neurological condition, both of which needs awareness , treatment and a whole lot of self care and understanding.

I hate mockery on this . I hate posts that makes it any less painful than it is . You might not like the taste of it but I want the horrors of being a cognitively diverse individual screaming volumes rather than getting diluted for idk which mass getting entertained by it . People unaware of what rumination even means saying "I am depressed" " i am depressed" twenty seven times w absolutely no relevance to the context we are talking about is not funny or even entertaining because what could possibly be funny here ? You twirling your hair and saying "lol I am so depressed" while posting one mitski song to your story ?

This physically makes me sick and hate you . Feels like an insult to my injury and I feel guilty for feeling this way as 'I never know what one must be going through' - my cerebral cortex will jump in stating . But the thing is I always know what you are going through cuz your 'going throughs' are always on my face , with or without my consent when I myself couldn't get anything else but sarcasm followed up with ' we are just girls ' when I talk about how my hypothyroidism is not getting treated and neither is my iron on track. I was constantly pushed down to my seat as a listener when I was everyday facing problems I couldn't sit still with and these are the moments that questions me if I was right to put my foot forward in your life as friends , actively choosing to listen to your issues and help out while I couldn't open up myself cuz I didn't trust you enough with my most vulnerable pieces of grief and pain , but when I was the most desperate and felt like there was nothing to lose and I tried opening up I was pushed back close which is humiliating every time I replay it in my mind.

This is not friendship . And mocking a mental disorder , physical disability, reproductive health issues in the name of being humourous and introducing light humour is just saying you are not educated enough and on top of that arrogantly ignorant of what your encephalopathic friend might feel about your silly lil jokes . I totally see you making fun of people's ancestral customs when bacteria is the only culture you have .

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katiesautisms · 1 year ago

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Hi I did the writing thing again >:)

This time, it's about Michael Afton reflecting on the bite of '83; I'm pretty proud of this one :]

TW's: child murder, blood

Also this one is just kinda upsetting in general, when I finished this one I felt bummed out for a good while

_______________💖💖💖________________

Waiting waiting waiting, it feels like I've been waiting here for an eternity in disassociation. The doctors won't even let me see him, only my father was allowed inside. I can hear only the mumbles of the adults and the occasional crying from my brother from out here.

It was supposed to be a prank, just a joke, sure he'd be the butt of it but....I never wanted this. I hope he knows I love him, and that I never meant to hurt him. What older sibling wouldn't want to mess with their younger sibling a little? Who wouldn't want to see them cry? To feel constantly afraid? To see them in a state of ungodly fear?

...I love him, I swear to god I do.

I will admit, I've had some resentment towards him for a while. My father wouldn't let my brother go with him to that restaurant he owns for some reason, so he made me take care of him everyday after school. Taking care of that little...kid was the last thing I wanted to do coming home from the hell that is sophomore year in highschool; so I decided that I wanted to have some fun with him.

He loved that restaurant my dad owns, Freddy Fazbear's Pizza, he had so much merchandise from there that his room felt like a museum dedicated to the place. It started when I took a foxy mask he wore for his first Halloween, I'd hide behind a part of the house and jump out to scare him. He'd cry every time, it was a little scary how I kind of enjoyed watching him bawl his eyes out, but my friends assured me it was completey normal. But then he had a birthday, it's today, it was supposed to be a day where he'd be the happiest he's ever been.

Interrupting my train of thought, my father walked out of the room with my little sister. They both sit down on a bench across from me. A painful silence stabbed all of us, occasionally being interrupted with my focus being turned towards my sister fidgeting with whatever she could find, before my heart gets stabbed again as I turn back to staring at my stained shoes.

"Michael..." said my father with a deep, exhausted, slightly angry tone.

I looked up at him, my biggest fear was that he'd say that he was disappointed in me, that I was a mistake, that he hated me.

"...nevermind, forget it." Somehow, the impact of those three, seemingly meaningless words made my fears seem so insignificant.

I went back to disassociating, trying to comprehend all that happened to keep myself from crying.

Me and my friends met up at the restaurant, none of us having the heavenly gift that is hindsight. This time, all four of us jumped out at my brother with different mask, each being a different character. We made fun of him for being afraid...I made fun of him for being afraid. Then I came up with an idea for a prank, the prank.

Two characters, a yellow bunny and a yellow bear, the ladder singing a song while the former played an instrument. I wanted to REALLY scare my brother by putting him up to the bear, right in his mouth.

All four of us carried him by his arms, his weak legs kicking us, not at all disturbing our walk. His screams being drowned out by our laughing. We got to the stage, right in front of the bear. We carried him closer and closer until we shoved his head in the animatronic mouth, its movements were jammed. Me and my friends were all laughing hysterically.

But then the bear bit down. Hard.

There was blood, so much blood. It covered the animatronic's head. My brother then went limp. We weren't laughing anymore. You couldn't even see his head, it was all red.

I stood there. Paralyzed, in what I thought at the time was fear, but it's only now I realize it was guilt. I was sorry. I am so, so sorry Evan.

People all around the restaurant were screaming at the sight, my family rushed to emergency room at the closest hospital we could find. Where I am right now.

I glance at my father again, rubbing both of his eyes with one hand while the other held his glasses. My sister hugged him tightly, burying her face in his shirt.

I can hear the heartbeat monitor they've hooked up to my brother.

"Beep. Beep. Beep."

The sound almost brings me to tears. I can't bare what I've done.

"Beep. Beep. Beep."

He's only nine years old, he just wanted to have a fun birthday party with his favorite characters. Trying to forget how a few days prior he was made fun of by every kid on the block for being a crybaby. That was my fault...

"Beep. Beep. Beep."

I start to tear up, which quickly turned into soft crying. I'm so sorry Evan, I know I'm a piece of shit brother, I know you deserve so much better, I know you're in so much pain.

"Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeep."

BONUS:

Where... where am I?!

Why can't I see? It's so dark here.

Why can't I breath? What happened? I remember being really hurt and really scared for a few seconds, and then I wasn't hurt or scared anymore.

DAD?! ELIZABETH?! MICHAEL?! Why can't I scream??

I can hear though, I hear people talking about how someone was hurt, something about calling an ambulance. I don't know what's happening, but I hope whoever was hurt gets to feel better.

I can't move, I feel like there's something really heavy on my chest. Where's my dad? I want to go home....

...why can't I cry?

#writing #writers on tumblr #writeblr #fnaf #five nights at freddy's #william afton #fredbear #purple guy #michael afton #evan afton #elizabeth afton #bite of 83 #freadbear

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sadgirldiary17 · 7 months ago

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An introduction is in order 🫀

My name is Liza. I am a fellow resident tortured poet and an avid reader. I read a lot, love getting lost in a good book, whether it be poetry, fantasy, a classic, romance or a memoir. In fact majority of my time is spent with my nose stuck in a book or in a good television show or movie.

Every 16th July, on my birthday, my melancholy and feelings of abandonment heavily overwhelm me. Not sure whether that has to do with me being the eldest daughter and having to be the third parent for all my three siblings or it’s me finally being “taken care of” that sends me down an unhealthy spiral.

I never wanted to be too mature for my age. I have never chosen that, I was forced into a mold that was made for me even before I was born. When you have siblings it’s as if you are unimportant and now you become the secondary caregiver. They expect you to be responsible, yet not too bossy. They expect you to act a certain way and make no mistakes, if you do tend to make a mistake by accident, they tend to name call you as selfish, ungrateful and overlook all the good that you have ever done.

It is exhausting carrying the weight of the whole family in your shoulders and still fill like a chronic loser. Whenever they loose the keys you are responsible. If they throw away a receipt they needed you are responsible. There is no winning. Everyday you fight your demons and no one notices the struggle. (Cue “this is me trying” by Taylor Swift or “Block me out” by Gracie Abrams) You never had a childhood because, you were being physically abused during the periods of your life that were supposed to shape you and be the most “fun” and “carefree”. You were so hurt that till this day you are scared of your own father. You were mentally abused by your friends as well. Hence, you deserted to their level and acted out horribly, treating them the way you were treated and pretending to like the things they did to fit in. Even if being their friend meant being the punching bag of the group, you would laugh when you wanted to cry. You felt and still feel misunderstood, when you try defending your honor it only ends up backfiring. Sometimes you wish you could wash your mouth with soap or just shut up.

A constant urge to scream fills your lungs daily.

“You can win a battle, but you’ll never win the war” - Olivia Rodrigo, pretty isn’t pretty,

Your whole childhood you have cried yourself to sleep, while having daily meltdowns in the locked bathroom. Due to your feelings being invalidated constantly. As if they know how I feel. English wasn’t your first language and so it felt lonely being in a school with all the children that did. No one wanted to play with you or be your friend, so a Science teacher had to sit and eat lunch with me daily, God bless her heart ♥️ . You were left to fend for yourself. At the age of 12 you realized: “if I don’t take care of myself no one will” . You were made independent because of all your scars, that you try so hard to hide. You were forced to be independent. You heard every complaint your mother or father have ever said about each other. You were always making peace, and when things went too far you were the one who distracted your sister and brothers. Comforting them when you needed to be comforted. Relying on no one but yourself.

By the age of 13 you were being bullied by two grown adult male teachers, called fat since you defended the girl you liked, you wanted to be her friend so hard - that you’d do everything for her. Even though you were the average size of every other girl in your class and therefore normal healthy bodied. Due to that situation, your impressionable self developed an eating disorder, you either overeat and stuff yourself full or fast throughout the day. Lying to your Mom that you’re pretty full from having lunch.

It’s as if the thoughtful daughter “aesthetic” was made for you. You are a cynic, a lot of times you hate yourself for that, yet you are an empath, you cry for every little inconvenience someone had to go through. Perhaps you have developed a negative connotation towards crying since your father hit you or threatened to hit you even harder when you cried. You developed a link between being cold and emotionless as being strong. You despised your emotions trying to be rational, cold, cunning and calculating at times.

You tried to neglect yourself thinking it’s better, yet when you tried taking care of yourself they labeled you as “narcissistic”. When all you have done is got yourself books on the money you made yourself. It feels as though you’re going mad every second of the day. You listen to Taylor Swift because she calms your anxiety, as if she’s holding your hand when you cry. You listen to Lana Del Rey and daydream of being a different kind of person, living in the 80s somewhere far away from everyone. Or you may listen to Olivia Rodrigo to let yourself let out that teenage angst and anger in a safe space without seeming desperate or insane. You felt a certain shame writing your visceral emotions into a diary so you had to staple the pages, rip them out or throw away the whole diary. Now that you are coming closer to becoming 18 you sit in your room and listen to “I Hate It Here” by Taylor Swift imagining a bigger world, that only your dreams provide, to which you are destined to belong.

Whatever it is you are alone at the end of the day, and truth be told have no friends to talk to.

#thoughtfuldaughter #depression #music #post #blog #summertimesadness #teenage angst #angst #anger #eldest daughter #sadness #diary #poetry

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someonexstarz · 2 years ago

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Here I find myself again, I have a job, I have good friends who I really love and spend time with

But I always feel so empty??? Sometimes it feels like the only things that made me feel whole are hatred and sadness or the small moments of happiness that are overcome by my constant worrying that they’ll disappear

I don’t like my job, but I am very thankful for it because I know I wouldn’t be anyone without it, I am grateful for all the opportunities and because I am someone, I have a name, people look up to me and rely on me…but that’s soooooo exhausting, I feel completely drained and ashamed because I want to fall apart but I can’t I have to be professional because I am not a kid anymore and no one cares about adults either way…I wish I could die so people would be a bit more merciful because I constantly feel everyone grabbing me and holding me and screaming help to me and I dont have more place in my head or heart for this… I am SO TIRED of waking up everyday and having to interact with people, of having to be responsible, I am only 20 but I feel like such a failure and socially retarded, I AM TIRED of people constantly pushing and pushing and NEEDING ME, but I know I deep down like it because I know I am no one without it. Every single day I feel worst and I don’t know how to stop it, I wish people could just shut up and leave me alone. I am tired of having to be a daughter, I am TIRED of hurting because of a relationship I’m supposed to have with my dad, I am sick of having to be a sister of a brother I dislike. I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE. Breathing is so so tiring, having to wake up and BURN my brain to the ground with multiple social media apps and hiperfixations on characters and shitty tv shows that SOMEHOW bring me more comfort that living at all. I have to go to university but I just don’t care, maybe I want to work, and eat nice things like ice creams, burgers because I just CAN? I want to buy clothes and look pretty, I just want to be simple and laugh with my friends and talk with them…. But I know everyone is striving towards a goal and moving on with their lives because they CARE they actually do? They have something that drives them to wake up and enjoy,,,, but I guess I don’t have that in me, I feel like I lost it years ago… I am 20 years old today and I just don’t have any aspiration… I wanted to study animation but I mean who knows if I’ll make it… I guess I am talented but am I special? I don’t have great ideas, I feel I am weak and gullible and somehow never enough, it’s like I am aware that somehow I can mess things up. I AM SO SO VERY TIRED I am literally ashamed of waking up.. dressing up and talking to people, their boss is a kid that is scared and drained and barely functioning because I don’t wanna be here. I want to make a thousand excuses to not show up my face anywhere because what if they feel or NOTICE somehow how broken I feel on the inside. Every single DAY it’s like my insides are breaking down and I grow more exhausted, I am ALWAYS hyper stimulated just by living in my house with my mom and brother, I don’t feel any connection with them that has not been created out of fear and trauma, I feel so different and alienated that I don’t want to be part of that family. Every day it eats me up alive that I have to live with them because I’m so fucking stupid and weak and with no back bone that who knows if I’ll make it out, it’s like a fucking parasite that will always be stuck with me draining my will to live. I want to do things I guess…. But I am just tired and scared and I don’t have willingness… I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again but just letting my family now that it was on purpose so they can understand and leave me be…miss me…think of me… but just don’t talk to me again

I am tired of having never felt I lived like actually LIVED. I wanted to do what every teenager does in vacations, just play video games, hangout with friends, waste time, maybe do a course or something…..but I just feel that lately I have spent my life out of duty.. having to learn how to drive because of my mother, then giving classes to a child, my brother who I DONT LIKE, then looking for a job immediately after graduating so I couldn’t be with my friends on their last years in the country because I was stuck working on a slave like company. I want to have fun. I want to be free. I want to be happy. I want to feel safe. I want to explore my talents BUT I AM SO FUCKING STUPID AND I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH LIKE SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO MUUUUCH BECAUSE I AM A USELESS IDIOT AND POOR EXCUSE OF A HUMAN BEING. I don’t want to go to work tomorrow I want to to stay in bed. I want my job and my mom and ALL THE PEOPLE near me to be merciful and soft and give me a break. I want people to be kind to me and see me as a scared child again. I am sick, I am depressed. I wish people could take that seriously and allow me to take some time off. I want to kill my self or harm myself just something that can get me some relief of life.

I wish I had responsible adults looking out for me, a mom that was not so emotionally immature and narcissistic, a dad that was actually present and showed up and talked to me like I was HIS, I went from being his beloved daughter to a text message every now and then when either me or him is in need.

#actually mentally ill #mentalheathawareness #mentally exhausted #tired #depression #anxienty

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mmepennance · 2 years ago

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Guest Column: Ask a Hysterical Lady-Person

Dear Ms. Lady-Person,

My girlfriend is obsessed with politics. Not sure what to do.

I think I need some advice. I have been together with my girlfriend for about half a year now and actually, everything is going very well. If there was not this one thing that has developed into a real problem for me. She constantly talks about politics and every time there is a current hot topic, she almost gets obsessed about it. The latest example is the new abortion law in Alabama. She will read up on the topic for hours and hours and then constantly bring it up, when I would be much more interested in talking about topics like friends and family and everyday things. I do not mind discussing politics every now and then but another thing is that on every topic she forms an opinion which in my view is just too radical and if you try to mention some opposing arguments, she gets almost hysterical and will defend her position and I really do not want to be in a debate with my girlfriend. I am not sure what to do. I am really happy with this woman and want to stay in a relationship with her, but I cannot just tell her "Hey, this thing you are passionate about, can we talk less about that? ". That would seem rude to me.

Have the women in your life

Become loudly inconvenient

Shrieking voices raised in shrill,

Hysterically piercing complaint?

Are they no longer calmed by your

Formerly successful methods of

Sooth and soothing tone?

Have such old standbys ~

Calm down honey.

Don’t take it so seriously!

It’s no big deal!

Why are you overreacting?!

What’s the big deal?

Lost their efficacy?

Why is this suddenly

Happening now?

What has changed?

Why do they worry their

Pretty little heads over distantly

Unimportant matters of law,

Politics and politicking?

Can’t they just have a drink,

Watch TV, play a video game,

And just relax already?

Why do they insist on

Talking to you about

Past abuse, #metoo

Supreme Court nominees

Abortion rights, and

Bodily autonomy?

Women;

Hysterical.

Emotional.

Unstable.

Illogical.

(Women : Coffee, Amirite)

Your girlfriend,

Or wife,

Or sister,

Or daughter,

Used to be so relaxed

And fun to be around

And knew not to take life

So damned seriously

So,

Here is where I, a woman,

Personally apologize to you,

A man, for women’s

unwanted, untoward,

Inconvenient,

hysterical

Rantings.

I am sorry for your confusion.

I am sorry for your discomfort.

I am sorry that the slow

Inexorable push to dismiss

Diminish and degrade

The rights and autonomy

Of multitudes of women, girls,

Of non-men in general,

Whom you pass every day

On the streets, or in the sheets

Passes invisibly beneath your

Life’s unquestioned radar

Without you ever seeing, hearing,

Or knowing the very different

Coexistence realities they experience.

I am sorry that you have lost

The unchallenged comfort

Of blinders willingly worn.

I am sorry that we dare disturb

Your peaceful complacency

With our sharply shrill,

Unseemly and demanding

Gratingly raised tones

I am sorry that you find your cozy

Quietude confronted by truths you’ve

Been unable to see from your vantage

Of lofty unquestioned humanity

For years

We have asked,

Screamed,

Begged,

To have our

Simple humanity,

Our right to dignity

Recognized, and

Acknowledged

On our own merits -

To no avail.

I am sorry that the equality you

Clearly believe in as universal fact,

Remains only a distantly

Beautiful dream for so many

Whose realities sit invisible to you.

I am sorry this needs to be said:

Your girlfriend,

Or wife,

Or sister,

Or daughter,

Deserves to be accepted

As fully and equally human

Autonomous and wholly

Worthy of independent

Dignity and respect

Without having to remind you,

Or the rest of the world

That she is somebody’s

Girlfriend,

Or wife,

Or sister,

Or daughter.

I am sorry that you have been

Unable to hear the shouts of

Women only now as they became

Inconvenient to your own peace,

Long after theirs had been shattered.

I am sorry that the only answer

You will hear is this:

Maybe things will go back to normal

If you just find the right words;

Whispering deep new platitudes

Gently calming false feminine fears,

Bringing your quieting shadow over

Her voice grown faint and faded,

Hoarse from vain attempts to be heard?

Maybe that will settle things

With her back to normal?

It would be nice to have

Peace and quiet again,

Wouldn’t it?

#poetry #feminism #politics #women’s rights #feminine hysteria #angry woman #slam poetry

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cheesearchives · 4 months ago

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I imagine how my cousin sister would have felt in 2020. Everything shut down due to COVID. Her father in the hospital and none of us could come and help. Travelling out of the city was prohibited, much less out of the state.

I remember she called. I remember I called. Kept talking to her the first few months. Constantly. Constantly. I wanted to fix the fact that I could not be there. I could not be there. I could be there when her father died. I could not be there when her brother died. I am a coward but I could not and then I didn't want to.

What use is a funeral? Only to tell you that the loss is real? Isn't it easy to not remember? To not know? To not feel?

Oh how heavy the road to healing and grieving has been. The months I passed in darkness after the deaths. Her hand that I could hold only much later. To then meet and huh and laugh and cry and tell each other that it hurts so much. We don't want to admit it but it hurts and we miss them and it's better today but it still hurts. It hurts. It hurts, oh God, it hurts.

How can you do this? How can I do this?

How I prayed for months, crying and screaming and wishing they were alive. But they're not, they're not.

Yet. Yet. Jesus understands and He was there and He is there and nothing makes sense without Him, even if it hurts. He heals. He makes it easier to breathe everyday. He helps.

How are we here at almost two years and still sane? He helps. It's okay now. It will be okay.

#tw death #covid #grief #jesus #personal

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birddog317 · 10 months ago

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Remind me next time im offered to go on a trip with this part of my family remind me to refuse as if someone just offered me poison, i am loosing my fuckin mind here

Like, the adults ive got massive bad blood with, a couple of em i dont even know so i dont talk to em

One of the kids [hes my cousin] needed to get stitches and his mom [my aunt] wouldnt stop screaming at him abt how he ruined everything and it wasnt even his fault.

But also on the topic of these absolute NIGHTMARE kids

The 11 yr old is the worst,

Doesnt listen to no, constantly hits his sisters, screams, cries over everything, doesnt know how to stop complaining, is the dullest lightbulb in the box.

Like dude literally tried to break his sisters arm bc she said some random rude shit. I told her off [bc i was babysitting] and then he went and tried to attack her several times literally back to back. I got him to sit down and he'd immediately get back up and go back to trying to hit her

The second oldest idk how old,

Keeps starting verbal fights with the 11 yr old and then uses it as an excuse to get him in trouble bc he got angry, also cant listen to no, and also cant stop crying.

The youngest

Is touchy as hell, cant listen to no and cries over everything but shes the best acting kid and is to young to understand everything properly so i get it, not mad at that kid but i am one of those "dont touch me" kids so that parts just overwhelming

Plus this place is a whole lot diff then my home, going places everyday, eating more then once a day, hanging with other groups of people daily all that.

They legit managed to kill my social battery so hard i havent even sent messages to my disc server, or mother, or even had a proper convo with my partner. Imma need like a whole month after this trip, and ive never felt more dysphoric.

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backagainforthelasttime · 1 year ago

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You constantly ask me why I am the way I am?

Except I’ve told you.

I’ve told you about every heart break. I’ve told you about every attack. Every choice I’ve made and even those where I wasn’t given a choice.

I wish you would take some time and actually think about the cards I’ve been dealt. Think about how you would’ve survived if it had happened to you.

Because until now I believed I was doing okay considering it all. I thought I was strong. I thought I had made it out. But you take me back there. Each time you say something to trigger me on purpose, you take me back. Every time you raise your voice at me, you take me back.

Back to bathroom where i wasn’t given a choice, I was gagged and raped. It was over in a few minutes for him but it still haunts me.

Back to when my brother did things he wasn’t supposed to do.

Back to when I came out about it all and my mum told me she regrets not going through with her abortion appointment.

Back to when my father reminded me everyday I was nothing to him. Or each time he asked me to think about his reputation before my well-being.

Back to when M punched me square in the face for the first time.

Back to when each and every time I was kicked or punched after the first time.

Back to the heartbreak of being cheated on the first time.

Back to when I murdered my first child.

Back to the realisation that I have no one to call.

Back to when I chose to live on the streets then go back to a house and a family I had never belonged to. It was easier. More peaceful except then it wasn’t.

Back to when they took me and gang raped for me for longer than I will ever have the guts to admit. When they put things inside me and laughed when I screamed in pain. I hear their laughter and their cheers everytime they hurt me even now. I hear the words clearly. The names they called me. One thing in particular stuck with me, they told me over and over that now no one will ever want me. The first time they said another responded with well no one does that’s why we found her there. There was sleeping in a park thinking I was hidden in some bushes. Not hidden enough.

Back to when I murdered my second baby.

Back to when my sister, my best friend broke my heart for a guy.

Back to being cheated on with my own sister.

Back to when all I craved was having my own family and a place I can finally call home. But instead I found none of that. He constantly told me that I wasn’t worthy of having one. That I would never be worthy.

Back to when the beating started again. The name calling. The dehumanising.

Back to finding out yet again I was cheated on.

Back to each and every time I cried myself to sleep knowing that I wasn’t good enough for even him.

Back to when as I gave my birth prematurely, I was being told that it was my fault because I was weak.

Back to when all I could do was sit and stare at my daughter from outside the incubator, not knowing if she was going to be coming out.

Back to when everytime her reports came in and they said she had this problem and that problem, I knew it was my fault. She suffers because of me.

Back to when I could barely afford to feed my daughter. The feelings of failing as a mother hit me hard.

Back to when I thought I had met someone decent finally except yet again I was wrong.

Back to when the beatings started yet again. Each chokehold, each wall that was smashed. Each time I was screamed at or grabbed in front of my baby girl.

Back to finding out yet again I was being cheated on except this time it was with two others.

Back to when I had to give up my peace and move back home knowing what it would do to me but it not mattering because I don’t matter. By now I acknowledge the fact that I will never come first to anyone. I wasn’t even allowed to come first for myself.

Back to every single person who told me I wasn’t enough. I would never be enough.

Through all of that were also the friendships I had gained and lost. All the jobs I succeeded or failed in. The money I made saved or spent. The uncertainties of life in general. The countless break downs. All the addictions. All the self loath which led to self harm. All the fights with my family, so much said that can’t be taken back.

Each time I picked myself up. Each time I pushed forward. I thought I was strong. I thought nothing could break me again. There was nothing left to experience. There couldn’t be any type of heart break I hadn’t recovered from.

Then I met you. I tried to fight it oh you have no idea how hard I tried to fight. I knew I didn’t deserve you. You were too good to be true. The connection was instant. I blinked and I couldn’t imagine life without you. I thought it was over all the heartache all the bad. I believed it. I found my soul mate which I truly believed by now was just a saying. I found my forever best friend. My forever date. My partner in all things good or bad. My literal other half. But most importantly, the one I had craved and prayed for my entire life, my home. My family. A place I finally belonged. With a person who finally accepted me.

I was wrong.

Oh so so very wrong.

Now I don’t have to go back because you bring it all forward.

Each time you told me to leave your house.

Each time you said talaq.

Each time your ego stopped you from just giving me even a little bit of reassurance.

Everytime I’m breaking and I see you all normal laughing and joking around knowing what I’m going through.

Everytime you go out of your way to trigger. Sometimes I just wonder if this is Gods humour because the irony in things you say. You’re not the first to say them. But you are the first from whom I feel I can’t recover. You say the words and I’m taken back to other times it was said to me. You say the same things they did and you make me go back to those moments. My worst moments. You take me back.

It also hits so much harder when it comes from your mouth. Each time I feel my heart shatter. Piece after piece after piece and I don’t think I have anything left now.

Every cruel word you have ever said is etched in the pieces. Broken as they may be.

You take me back knowingly because your ego has to be fed. Your ego has to come out on top. You take me back because you know exactly what words to say to trigger me.

You constantly invalidate my emotions and my needs because of your ego.

You snore peacefully through the night resting up recovering not knowing all the while I’m jerking awake from nightmares having to remind myself I’m not back in that bathroom or that room I’m not being held down it’s all in my head. Except it’s so real. I relive it. Each time. My body aches. My brain hurts. My chest is always tight. I keep pushing buts it’s still not enough for you.

You told me I could heal now. You lied.

You told me you were different from them.

You promised it would never be like that for me again. You broke that promise.

I don’t know how to survive this one. I don’t know how to come back. I don’t think I have the strength to pick up myself anymore. Nor do I have the courage to ask you for help because when I do you’re never there. I’m still alone. Alone. The only thing I’ll ever be worthy of.

How do you survive when your first ever safe place is the one breaking you and pushing you back into the unsafe world?

I truly hope your ego your anger and your stubbornness was worth breaking the person for whom you are everything. All I wanted was your love as deep and sincerely as I have loved you from day one. That was wrong of me. One needs to be worthy to receive such a kind of love. And you’ve all made it clear that I’ll never worthy of that.

So it’s easy for you to ask me why I am the way I am. But the answer isn’t. Not easy for me to physically answer and I’d think not easy for you to hear.

I have lived my entire life especially my adult with uncertainty in all aspects. Whether it be in a relationship, my family, work, finances, my health both physical and mental. I don’t know what it means to feel secure because I’ve never had the opportunity. So yes I overthink I’m more sensitive than most I say sorry a lot I ask a lot of questions I always have an opinion there are things I can handle and things I can’t my boundaries aren’t rules for you they are my boundaries that I’ve been forced to have because of all my trauma. And it’s not fair that you say you can’t deal with it now when I had literally put it all forth to you and given you multiple chances to walk away as friends from the beginning.

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hihigherdi · 2 years ago

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I’m watching Break Point on Netflix and it is bringing up so many memories. I played three hours of tennis everyday, started when I was 7 and ended when I was 17. I actually got into college for it but never showed up, another proud Diane moment. Anyway. We’d go to tournament after tournament, driving in older kids’ cars, getting housed by other tennis parents. Stuff that would never fly now for sure but back then, things were so much different.

Tennis parents are - in a phrase - mostly crazy. A girl named Kathy’s parents were totally insane - I beat her in the third set in a tournament in Yakima Valley, 7-6 tie breaker. My mom didn’t come to that tournament and the court was far away - after the match, Kathy’s mom pushed me down a flight of stairs. I got a concussion and my mom threatened her with a restraining order. An older boy’s dad was completely off the rails, he bought his son a Corvette because his kid was winning a lot, but when he lost an important match? The dad smashed the windows in with his racket. So. Many. Stories.

My mom was also nuts about it (my dad hardly came to any of the tournaments). I was playing doubles with my best friend Molly - I was 10 or 11 - and we were in the finals in a tournament in Bend, Oregon. I had qualified for Sectionals in singles, a fairly big deal, and my mom called and said I had to skip the doubles final and come home to rest and prepare for Sectionals. Sobbing, I didn’t want to make Molly or her mom mad - her mom snapped at me and said it was my decision. I was a fucking child, but I went home and a day later, I remember my mom driving to Molly’s house and had a screaming match with her mom. They were friends but not after that. Another time, I was headed down to Oregon for another tournament on a train with another little girl and Mount St Helens erupted. Someone opened a window and ash came pouring in - all I remember is how dark the sky turned and how cool but scary it was.

We played at a club called Town and Country where Rick Johnson was the coach. We were all sponsored by Fila and Dunlop and got free rackets and clothes - he’d ask us to do a fashion show all of the time, I remember being weirded out because the clothes were so sheer but whatever, everybody was in the same embarrassing boat. I was the littlest one, years younger than the rest. My brother played, my sister didn’t - he was incredibly good and was in it to win. I went because my mom said that’s what we were to do, so I never really felt like I had a choice. Sometimes we’d even go before school to practice, between 5-7am and then back again from 3-6pm, every weekday. She always said it was to keep us out of the house, away from my dad and I do believe that. I think it was also part of her dream that she was part of a family who played tennis, wealth, etc.

Rick was an excellent coach. We ran drills until we’d throw up on the side of the court which I guess looking back wasn’t a great thing but he was such a great teacher and he loved the game so much. His team was renowned for being great in the Juniors, several players went on to Nationals and several turned Pro. We’d go over to his apartment all of the time and watch TV and stuff, I was there constantly and he got us some cool opportunities when pros came to town to play. I was a ball girl for Martina Navratilova once- I think I am spelling that name correctly - and she asked for me to be removed because I was moving around too much. wa wa.

My brother and I did have a moment of fame -- there was a National tournament called the Equitable where brothers and sisters played against other brother-sister matches, and if you won, you ended up at the US Open to play on a National level. My brother and I were good but mostly, we got along really well. We decided that was the edge we needed and it worked. We played the final at Flushing Meadows in NY and we won the whole thing, and the whole stadium watched while they waited for the women’s final. It’s still kind of surreal that happened. I have vague recollection of my mom staying in the hotel because she was so nervous. Now that I think about it, my dad wasn’t there - how weird is that? We were in the local news and I remember a reporter writing the most horrible article about us and how elite the game is. He wasn’t wrong but it was pretty vicious.

After that - I think I was 13 or 14 - Rick came over to our house and grabbed a big poster of us with the other winners. It turns out earlier that day, it had been discovered that he sexually abused several of the girls on the team and was peeking at the girls showering through a window. He was chased off and out of town and never heard from again. Nothing ever happened with me which is kind of crazy, I think I was the only one he didn’t mess with. My mom was furious he took that poster.

I remember my left arm being freakishly more muscular than my right (I am left-handed). At 10 years old, I was serving and volleying which was kind of unheard of for a kid that age. I was good but I didn’t care, I was there for the boys and the dances and I loved it when people watched me but when they stopped, I stopped caring, Not exactly a winning instinct (which makes me laugh so hard as I write that.)

In high school, I started choking. I hated to play and the angrier my mom got when I lost, the more fucked up and scared I was. It was like I was frozen. The day I told her I quit, she was coldly furious. She called me a quitter and didn’t ever really like me too much again after that. Looking back, I get it - she had invested so much money and time, driving me an hour a day back and forth, so many tournaments, and I was quitting before I even got into college. I didn’t realize it at the time but we were broke and I wonder now if she wanted me to try to get a scholarship. She kind of dropped me at that point which is when I found other places to be my Senior year, for the most part, I was rarely home. I figured out how to apply to the UofW, it was the only school I knew about and was so mentally ill/traumatized at that point, didn’t do much exploration of anything outside of that. When I was waitlisted I panicked and called the tennis coach there who helped me get in. My brother went on to play there and still plays a lot today.

I have literally not played since the last match before I quit. Maybe I’ll see what it feels like again.

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ijustwant2write · 4 years ago

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Causing A Fuss-Anthony Bridgerton x Reader

(GIF credit to @hvitserkk)

Masterlist

Requested by @elennox03 : Can you write an imagine where Anthony’s wife is pregnant and she’s at the very end of her pregnancy and he is trying to make her stay in bed and rest but she refuses and she’s somewhere in the house and she goes into labor and Anthony freaks out and then after the baby is born a little cute dad Anthony fluff?

Characters: Anthony Bridgerton x Reader, Hyacinth Bridgerton x Reader (sister-in-law), Violet Bridgerton x Reader (mother-in-law)

Meanings: (Y/N)=Your name

Warnings: Pregnancy side effects, labour, mention of blood, fluff fluff fluff

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Anthony's strides were quick as he explored the house, desperately seeking his wife. Members of staff were ambushed with questions, startled by his tone. When he didn't get the answer he wanted, he would huff and storm off again. Where was his beloved? She wasn't where she was supposed to be.

(Y/N) laid back on the sofa as Hyacinth fanned her, the pregnant woman also fanning herself. She was just too hot, she was tired and her feet felt like they had been hit with a hammer. Her shoes were on the floor, it was far too painful to be wearing them.

"Thank you so much darling." (Y/N) said to her sister-in-law.

"Is it really that bad?" Hyacinth asked.

(Y/N) wanted to say yes. Despite pregnancy being an extraordinary feeling, the emotions and connections you made with your unborn child were confusing, there were quite a few downsides; the sickness, the tiredness, not being able to fit into your dresses or shoes, as well as feeling every single type of emotion everyday. But after seeing the young girls scared face, she knew she couldn't be entirely truthful.

"No, of course not." (Y/N) smiled, sitting up slightly."It can just get a little tiring sometimes. Have you ever held a baby?"

She nodded.

"It was heavier than you imagined, hm? Well, my baby is a little heavy right now. But they will be here soon."

"I'm very excited to meet them. I can't wait to be an auntie!"

(Y/N) melted at that."You'll be an amazing auntie."

"Here you are." Anthony entered the room, relieved to see (Y/N), until he saw what state she was in."What is wrong? Hyacinth, why didn't you fetch for me sooner?"

Anthony rushed to his wife's side, snatching the fan from his sister and fanning his wife. (Y/N) was irritated whenever Anthony was like this, it was sweet that he cared, but her fuse was short. She was resting, not bed ridden.

"I am not returning to bed Anthony. I do not wish to bicker with you." (Y/N) made it clear."I am just hot, that is all."

"The doctor advised that you stay in bed for most of the day-"

"Anthony, I cannot stay cooped up all day, laying down and doing nothing. I would go simply mad. And I have spoken to friends who are or have been pregnant, none of them did that."

"They are not professionally trained."

"That doctor has never carried a baby."

"(Y/N) said it isn't that heavy." Hyacinth spoke up.

Anthony slowly turned his head to his sister. "This is a matter for the grown ups. Go and...play somewhere."

Hyacinth knew better than to argue with Anthony, rolling her eyes before leaving. (Y/N) pursed her lips at her husband's behaviour.

"Did I ever mention how amazing you are with children?"

Anthony smirked."Well, it's a bit late to be getting lessons on childcare, isn't it?"

(Y/N) giggled, taking Anthony's hand and placing it on her bump. Anthony loved touching her growing bump. It had been strange to see his wife changing shape before his eyes. He was so used to her body having run his hands over every angle, seeing it every day from the time they were married. But it made him fall even more in love with her, if that was even possible. Anthony could write a hundred pages expressing his love for his wife, and it would still never be enough.

"I still can't believe we're having a baby." he breathed out.

(Y/N) scoffed."Are you saying I've always looked like this?"

Anthony laughed."Of course not. But no matter how much you talk about such a thing, no matter how much preparation you do, it just seems surreal."

(Y/N) hummed in response, putting her hand on top of his."I've loved carrying them, but it is time for them to come out into the world."

"Still not saying whether it's a boy or girl?"

(Y/N) shook her head."I just don't feel one way about it. Not that I care about that, as long as they're healthy."

"I still say boy."

"You would."

"You just said you didn't care."

"I don't."

"(Y/N), please can you just promise me one thing?"

"Anthony, I am not staying in bed-"

"Stay by my side as much as possible. The baby is due soon and I want to ensure you are safe when the time comes."

"Oh, Anthony, I'm with you for a majority of the day anyway."

"I know but, if there are moments where I am not present, I want to have a sound mind that you are in safe hands, such as family or a member of staff."

"Well, you know I'm not going to be leaving the house, much to my annoyance. So I will be guarded all day and night."

"You're making it sound like you're a prisoner."

"I'm just being dramatic. I just want to meet our child now."

"Well, I can't deny either of those statements."

Anthony wasn't exaggerating when he said he wanted (Y/N) beside him at all times. From then on, they were seen with each other anywhere they went in the house. Anthony didn't go out as much as he did, and he instructed there always be staff in every room and corridor. She didn't mind it, however, as her due date grew closer, the more nervous she became. Unfortunately, that meant her temper was shorter, she became more snappy and tired, and she didn't want everyone constantly reminding her that she was about to give birth. (Y/N) tried so hard to not take it out on her husband, but because he was the one always beside her, he was the only person she could lash out at.

"Anthony, I'm sorry but I just need a few moments alone. I'll return soon, just...let me calm down. I'm sorry." she apologised as she walked away from him, having screamed about how frustrated she was.

She didn't hide her deep breathing as she waddled down the corridors, passing by staff that worryingly watched her. (Y/N) wanted to calm her heart rate, try and clear her mind. Feeling too many eyes on her, (Y/N) escaped into the nearest room, slamming the door shut behind her.

"(Y/N)?" Hyacinth said behind her.

(Y/N) sighed. Would she ever be alone again?

"What are you doing in my playroom? I thought you would be with Anthony."

She was playing with her dolls, three propped up in mini chairs, as was she, as they indulged in an imaginary afternoon tea. (Y/N) couldn't help but smile at that, envisioning her child playing in this room.

"Sorry darling, I just...I needed some time away from the grown ups."

"Oh, alright. Would you like to join us for tea?" she gestured to the chair beside her, causing (Y/N) to laugh.

"I don't think I would fit in that chair, even if I wasn't with child. I'll take the rocking chair. You carry on darling, I'm sorry for the interruption."

Her aching feet carried her to the chair, cautiously lowering down onto it. She rocked her heels back and forth, though did so slowly in case it caused any nausea. Hyacinth continued her game as if (Y/N) wasn't there, but kept her voice quiet to be respectful. (Y/N) closed her eyes, finally feeling the stress lift for just a moment when a jolt of pain in her stomach startled her. It made her let out a cry, clutching onto her bump as she leaned forward. Hyacinth jumped at the sudden noise, suddenly frightened at the way (Y/N) sounded and looked.

(Y/N)'s breathing got faster and deeper, yelling out as an unbearable feeling coursed through her. Her hands wrapped around her torso, willing the feeling to stop. A shocked noise escaped her when she felt herself go wet in the chair, liquid dripping down her legs.

"Hyacinth, get Anthony!" (Y/N) groaned, thankful a staff member rushed in. Hyacinth didn't have to be told twice, running as quickly as she could to fetch her brother. She had never seen anyone in such a state, no one had ever mentioned this pain when having a baby. Tears were in her eyes as she finally found Anthony, who was standing with her two other brothers at the staircase.

"Hyacinth, what's wrong?" Benedict was the first to notice the little girl running towards him.

She immediately grabbed Anthony's hand, gripping tightly onto it."Quickly!"

"What's happened?" Anthony asked her her fretting.

"(Y/N)'s having the baby!"

A second of silence passed before Anthony sprinted in the direction his sister came from. He only had to follow the sound of screaming to find his wife. This wasn't how it was supposed to happen, she was meant to be upstairs in a comfortable position, surrounded by women staff that were prepared. He halted in the doorway when he saw her clutching onto the servant's arm as she struggled to stand from the chair. He snapped an order at another servant who followed him. The doctor had to get here as soon as possible, and the other students needed to prepare immediately.

"It's alright my love, I'm here. The doctor is on his way." Anthony reassured her as he took her other arm.

"I'm in so much pain Anthony." she wept."I can't do it, I can't do it, I don't have control over my own body. I'm frightened!"

Anthony's heart was shattering into a million pieces seeing his wife like this. He couldn't do anything to help. He couldn't ease the pain. If he could, he would take all of the pain she had and endure it himself. Anthony was a mix of emotions; fear for his wife, excitement to meet his child, terrified at (Y/N)'a reactions and noises. It was all too much, nothing would have prepared him for this.

"Anthony, you must leave!" Violet suddenly appeared.

"Mama, I can't leave her-"

"You wouldn’t want to see this Anthony. Go wait for the doctor, we all know what we’re doing here.”

Anthony knew of the steps to take in this event, it was not proper for a man to be present during the ordeal of birthing. But the love for (Y/N) was urging him to stay and protect her, that was what he was supposed to do as a husband, not abandon her. They went through everything together. Now he was being told to leave because of societies rules.

Benedict and Colin were able to pull away Anthony easier than they thought, due to him being frozen and confused about what he should do. He only registered that (Y/N) was calling for him after they left the room. Fighting against his brothers hold, he ignored their please for him to stop. They didn’t understand. They weren’t married, they had no idea what it was like to be bonded with someone in this way. However, he knew they were right, he had to stay away. All he could do now was help her from outside of the room.

“Where is the doctor?!” he demanded to know from the nearest servant.

“H-he has b-been called upon, Lord Bridgerton.” they stuttered.

“As soon as he arrives, he is to be brought here, quickly! Gather pillows, as many as you can, and blankets, we must ensure my wife is as comfortable as she can be. She should have been giving birth in a bed!”

Benedict and Colin stood back in silence, shocked by the quick turn around in their brother’s behaviour. They didn’t dare say anything in case they were snapped at.

(Y/N) was clinging onto Violet’s hand as she screamed, hating the way her body had taken over and she couldn’t take back control. Violet remained calm, knowing that (Y/N) could do this. She had birthed all of her children with no complications, she knew how much women had to endure, so Violet was equipped with the necessary grit and vigour to help her daughter-in-law. (Y/N) was grateful to have Violet there.

A gruelling eight hours passed, filled with (Y/N) screaming, crying, cursing, pleading and begging for Anthony. It took every ounce of his willpower to not dash back to her, he would never forgive himself for this. He wished he could change the rules so he could be beside her. He paced with a strong drink in his hand for those eight hours, his brothers sitting down, trying to support him. However, it was getting late, and they found themselves struggling to keep their eyes open. Anthony had got rid of his jacket, sleeves rolled up and shirt buttons undone as he got warm, fretting over what was happening to (Y/N).

“Lord Bridgerton!” a servant exclaimed as they entered the room, trying to stay composed.

The men perked up, suddenly awake. Anthony noticed the servant was smiling, which made him relieved.“What is it?”

“Lady Bridgerton has given birth.”

Anthony didn’t need to hear anything else. He instantly ran to where his poor wife had been in labour. Hyacinth would never step foot in that room again. He pushed past anyone that got in his way, halting at the open doors to the playroom. The first thing he saw was blood, a lot of it, alarmed at the sight. But as he entered the room, it was forgotten about when he saw (Y/N)’s grin aimed at the baby wriggling around in her arms. His steps were slow as he approached, scared that he would disturb the peace that had finally fallen in this room.

“Anthony.” (Y/N) breathed out, clearly exhausted.

“I’m sorry.” was all Anthony could manage, eyes still fixed on his child.

“For what?”

“For not being here.”

“You’re here now, and I understand darling. Now come meet your son.”

Anthony’s eyes widened.“I-I have a son? We have a baby boy?”

The doctor who had been crouched beside (Y/N) smiled at the Lord, standing to give the couple their space.“Yes, Lord Bridgerton, you’re now a father and have a son, who is very healthy, just like his mother.”

Violet also backed away, beaming down at her eldest son. She had never imagined him married and settled down so quickly, she expected to have many more years of her son fooling around with women not of a certain standard. Once (Y/N) waltzed in, Violet had seen a change in Anthony, and hope was restored in the Viscount.

“He’s finally here.” (Y/N) smiled as Anthony sat beside her.

“He really is.” one of his arms wrapped around her shoulders, whilst the other supported her arms holding the baby.“You’re amazing. You did this (Y/N).”

“We did it.”

“No, no, you did this all by yourself. I’ll be with you every time form now on.”

“Every time? How many are you planning to have?”

He chuckled.“We’ll discuss that later.”

(Y/N) giggled, gently kissing the top of their baby’s forehead. Anthony couldn’t stop smiling, repeating (Y/N)’s actions to her. He had never envisioned this, he didn’t want to be trapped in this life at first. He had so many responsibilities dumped on him after his father died, he wanted to make sure his family was secure and have the freedom for himself; until he met (Y/N), and suddenly, he could see his entire future planned in front of him with this woman. He never fathomed that his heart could give anymore love for anyone else in this world, and he had been proven wrong. (Y/N) was the love of his life, as was his son, and he would protect and cherish them for the rest of his life.

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fear-and-delight-l · 4 years ago

Text

GENDERSWAPPED!LOSERS

HERE WE GO

JILLIAN DENBROUGH

-Jill is very avid about getting her sister, Georgia back. Well, at least the killer anyways.

-Jill has never finished any of her writing, until she is an adult.

-aRTiSt??

-Jill gives hugs hugs hugs!!!

-everyone wants her hugs.

-ok, Jill is very sexually confused. Bradley Marsh is good looking...but so is McKenna Hanlon with her pink lipstick and her always good looking pigtails....then there is Sarah Uris, who is so cute with her blonde/brown curls and her little cheerleading outfit.

-suffers from stuttering simp disorder

-simp simp simp

-simp? Yes.

-ok but I think she would like Plastic Hearts by Miley Cyrus lmao

-FLANNEL GODDESS!!! Has flannels in so many colors.

-”R-R-Riley, stop m-making fun of m-my j-j-jorts.”

-oh yeah. She is rocking the jean shorts. They either go to around her knees or near the middle of her thighs.

-shoulder length brown hair. Screams bisexual.

RILEY TOZIER

-just gonna put this out there, take it as you will, but her glasses make her look like a fish. Her eyes are HUGE

-goddess or (what is a non-binary god? Godthem?) of dad jokes. But not the corny kind. The kind of dad jokes that include sleeping with him and “riding him like a horse.”

-”so not fucking funny.” -Edith Kaspbrak, who’s dad isn’t even present in her life. -yeah, bisexual. -sexual for Edith Kaspbrak. -And Sarah Uris

-And Bradley Marsh

-and Jill Denbrough

-and Brenna Hanscom

-and Patrick Hockstetter (she regrets this. But when Patrick isn’t chasing her with Bowers and Criss and Huggins, she likes to notice that Patrick is definitely good looking)

-crazy wavy hair. Seriously, she wears it in a pixie cut, and it is CRAZY. But she help Bradley cut away his mullet.

-the friendship dynamic between Riley Tozier and Bradley Marsh is UNSTOPPABLE!

-plays softball with Jill. She is pitcher, and damn is she good. (Jill plays third base, for reference)

-the girls on the softball team sort of like her, sort of not. She’s a loser, and they don’t like her because everyone thinks she’s queer. -still a trash mouth

-still a smartass

-Rildeth? Edithley? Redith?

BRADLEY MARSH

-all right, here we go.

-POWER BISEXUAL

-He came out to Riley, and Riley came out to him.

-daddy issues

-anyways, Bradley had a mullet that his dad made him wear, and when Riley helped him cut it....freedom!

-when he and the other losers are going to the quarry, he likes to help McKenna pick flowers so Sarah will have some to turn into flower crowns

-is totally charmed by Jill Denbrough. He is a simp for how charming she is. Bravery, art...

-Bradley also likes to draw.

-Brenna may be totally smitten with him....

-Bradley is the same age as all the other losers, but the losers all see him as older.

-hates his father, feels weak around him.

-he and Riley often share cigarettes. (I love the friendship dynamic here.)

-Bradley has little freckles, and when he and Brenna get together as adults, Brenna likes to kiss all of them.

-Bradley loves to hang with Sarah, and she is such a sweetie. She gets annoyed, but when she is around Bradley, she is calm.

-Bradley likes to put his arm around Sarah, ALWAYS

-I’m in love

SARAH URIS

-WE LOVE OUR JEWISH CHEERLEADER LESBIAN

-yes, Sarah Uris is cheer captain. The other cheerleaders are skeptical of her, but treat her ok nonetheless.

-Sarah Uris is a softie who will tell you to fuck off.

-bridwatcher. Sarah loves her birds. She likes to sit with Jill. Jill draws birds while Sarah quietly talk about the birds.

-Brenna loves to play with her curls, braiding them and doing fun styles with them with the help from McKenna.

-sundresses one day, shorts and a shirt the next.

-her hair is so nice! Think...classic curls. Google for reference.

-the cheerleaders don’t go to track meets or softball games. So, since Brenna and Edith are both in track and Jill and Riley are softball players, she goes in her own cheerleading outfit, and even snags one for McKenna, (who isn’t a cheerleader.) and they both cheer at track and softball.

-must I remind you that Jill is a simp for BOTH OF THEM. AND BRADLEY?? HE CHEERS THEM ON TOO.

-one time Bradley actually got into a cheerleading skirt??!!

-anyways, back to Sarah. -she loves to give everyone kisses before leaving. Here’s how she gives them:

Jill: cheek kiss, runs a hand through her hair. Edith: takes Edith’s face in her hands and kisses her nose. Edith sometimes backs up a little when she feels a little panicky about germs, but always accepts Sarah’s kiss. Bradley: forehead. She ruffles his hair, and sometimes, Bradley kisses her chin as she is kissing his forehead. McKenna: near her lips. Like, the corner of her mouth. 🥺 Brenna: cheek kiss. She holds brenna’s chin while kissing her. Riley: straight on the lips. Or the forehead if you song ship stozier. -ok, I am a huge fan of Sarah+Riley....but then there is Edith. Poly??? Possibly

-anyways, Sarah loves to make flower crowns and put them in bradley’s hair.

-she and Brenna are very close. If Sarah isn’t next to Bradley, or has Riley’s arm around her shoulders, she is with Brenna, either holding her hand or showing her stuff about plants or birds. She gives Brenna constant praise about the barrens

-very grumpy a lot.

BRENNA HANSCOM

ok, Brenna is straight. I didn’t change that. -Brenna thinks constructively, and is a visual learner. Constantly thinks about the future.

-ok, she is so so so sweet. Likes to wear this cute pink skirt, but only around the losers.

-POETRY

-She loves to read and wrote poetry. It’s so cute I just can’t aaaah-

-ok, so she’s on the track team. Edith convinces her in 10th grade.

-HAIR CLIPS! she has them in her hair, and tons extra in her backpack.

-Bradley loves it when Brenna plays with his hair and puts clips in it.

-she and Bradley are very good friends.

-she may be straight, but isn’t uncomfortable when Sarah holds her hand or Riley talks about her gay situation or when Jill tells her she’s pretty. She just isn’t gay but she loves and supports her gay friends. She even kissed McKenna in a game of spin the bottle

-poor baby has body insecurities...

-ugh, she hates Henry Bowers. But she loves ice cream! She likes vanilla because it’s sweet and plain.

-when they have sleepovers, everyone always has a disc of New Kids on the Block to play for her (AAA!)

-Riley literally swore to protect her. Even though Riley’s sarcasm can be demeaning, she trusts her.

-Brenna Hanscom, a sweetie that will fight for you.

McKenna Hanlon, the badass vegan who definitely has WAP.

-ok, I didn’t change her race, she is still black.

-McKenna is a sign of hope. Everyone feels so uplifted around her.

-she has this signature pink lipstick she wears everyday the Greta Bowie makes fun of, but she still wears it.

-she loves bubblegum. McKenna has it ALL THE TIME.

-inspiration? Yes. She is a goddess.

-ok, she is so nice, but that gun she has? Pennywise doesn’t stand a chance. McKenna is a fighter.

-McKenna has these cute little pig tails that she wears with purple ribbons. Jill loves to listen to her talk.

-definitely the least insane of all the losers, but girl knows how to have fun!

-not a huge smoker, but occasionally will share one with Bradley.

-the friendship between McKenna and Bradley is impeccable. They are a badass duo.

-I don’t know what her sexuality is. She definitely doesn’t. Although she and Jill got caught making out in a closet. They said it was no strings attached....suspicious.

-she is indeed vegan. She just has a special love for animals and can’t bring herself to eat them. She isn’t protesting everyone to go vegan, she just eats how she wants. She occasionally slips and goes for ice cream though😉

-at the rock war, after she recovered a little from Bowers, SHE BEAT HIS ASS!

-my queen, gosh I love her!

-she is so much fun to be around. One time, in the barrens, she installed a swing so she could sit in somethin because Riley and Edith and Sarah are always in the hammock together. (It’s bound to break).

-need a therapist? She’s ya girl.

EDITH!!

-ok, so this looks very soft girl, but Edith is fiery! -her mom makes her worry a lot about disease and what not, but her anxiety about what her mom may do is worse.

-seriously, she is scared of her mother. She doesn’t even know if her sickness are real.

-anyways, don’t fuck with her. She will bite you.

-no seriously, she will bite you. One time in a fight with Hockstetter, she bit him. She was worried she might have gotten something in her mouth, but Sarah calmed her down. -she may bicker with Riley, but really, she loves her. Her and her stupid glasses,

-anyways, she is a sweetie. She runs track, but as long as Riley is waiting on the sidelines with her inhaler at the end, she is alright.

-someone give this girl a hug.

-internalized homophobia towards herself.

-she and Bradley are good, they just aren’t as close. Edith is closest with Jill.

-Edith looks up to Jill, big time.

-Edith hates her mom very very much.

-she wears cute little tops with shorts or skirts. Occasionally she will wear overalls.

-fuck greta Bowie campaign? Yeah, Edith started it.

-Fanny pack! She has an extra pair of glasses for Riley, Bobby pins for Sarah, an extra pen or pencil for Jill, a mini stick of Bradley’ favorite deodorant, hair clips for Brenna, and McKenna’s favorite bubblegum.

-Riley calls her Eds. She hates it because it sounds like a boy name. She hates it even more when Riley calls her Eddie.

-kisses tears away. Crying? She will kiss your cheeks and wipe those tears away. She did that when Brenna got cut by Bowers.

-inhaler? Yes. It’s her little beacon of safety.

-ice cream and comic books with Riley, bird watching and flower crowns with Sarah are her favorites!

-doesn’t know her sexual preference, she’s just not straight.

-butterflies always land on her when she’s outside. One landed on her nose once and Riley and Sarah started rock-paper-scissoring for who got her. (That was long forgotten since Riley is a sore loser.)

-my baby has long hair is very slight waves. It goes down to her breasts.

-likes to wear Jill’s Flannels.

-OK SHE IS SO CUTE IN A PAIR OF BAGGY JEANS AND A TANK TOP, WEARING SOMEONE’S JACKET OMG

-Edith is cold? Never. She always has someone’s something, whether it’s McKenna’s iconic leather jacket or Jill’s flannels

................................................................................................................................

Ok! Those are my headcanons. Feel free to repost, I don’t give a damn. If you want drawings or more headcanons of them, I am always open. I had this posted on my old account but that got taken down....I was previously coffeeandweasleys

@im-a-rocketman, @nate-isnt-great @imreddieimreddieimreddie @ur-not-reddie

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