#i am an autistic adult who has masked my entire life and reach my Fucking Limit

[wormeats]

hello gay autism website, advice for meltdowns and burnout?

preventing meltdowns and dealing w them if they occur, recovering from burnout after a lifetime of masking and smaller burnouts until i pushed it for too long and this time i feel broken but also learned more about myself ?

i havent intentionally self harmed in 2 years, and quit nicotine like 2 months ago so those are some long term core coping strategies i lost maybe also making stuff harder, but it was good to quit those ofc

it just gets scary bc during a meltdown it feels like i Need to Scream and/or Run and/or make myself feel pain/hit myself or hit something else (but i stopped doing that bc once as a teen i broke my wall and it was embarrassing and bad, and a few weaks ago i fucked up my hand punching a tree full force) (it always ends up being Harder and More Damage than i thought at the time, mayb adrenaline, but adds to scary) but the worst is that during the worst ones I feel a very strong urge to hit my head against shit as hard as i can, and i try to redirect to Anything Else bc that feels Dangerous so i used to punch my legs a lot and give myself hematoma bad bruising, more recent ones ive screamed into stuff to muffle, scratch my skin (another past coping mechanism of sh F), and bite myself so hard i feel my teeth about to connect and tear a chunk of meat out of me so i get scared and stop

it also is really hard or impossible to communicate and really hard to think so its more stressful if i am causing distress to others and want to calm down when i cannot calm down

it feels involuntary, like if i dont scream ill hurt myself and if i dont bash my head in i have to punch my legs or bite myself

at a certain point, i probably just have to let myself have the meltdown and know i will be okay after, but it scares people also if i cannot communicate that to them and am in lot of visible distress

advice ? any pls

im struggling a lot and have been this entire year

probably started burnout around october and thought it was a depressive episode (maybe a lot of my past depressive episodes were burnout and being too depressed to do shit let me rest, but this time i couldnt afford to be depressed bc i need to work to live and afford shit and etc etc even tho still not doing shit i need to like acquiring insurance and doctors, it feels impossible i am just trying to survive each day. how the fuck do you get doctors and appointments if u are too mentally unwell to do that. i cannot afford to be hospitalized either i need to keep working and have money to live)

any advice ? sorry for essay, ty if you read, shit is so hard rn

[akechi-stole-my-heart]

hi im in love with literally all your takes and opinions but ESPECIALLY the weird autistic yu being kind of an ass and gaining friends by accident. do you have any other headcanons about him i love this weird dude <3

I absolutely do!! I am a Souji kinnie so I have many opinions on this man and yes I am projecting but (1) I do not care and (2) I do not care.

In the manga (which I have not read yet but I want to) Souji has pretty absentee parents due to their work and he's been forced to move around a lot for them. Imo because of this (+ already being autistic) he's always had a really hard time making friends. He's always been something of a loner, drifting btween people and places without making strong connections because he doesn't know how to form them. By the time of Persona 4 he's kind of accepted his fate of being the odd one out who will float through this town and leave unchanged like he has his entire life.

Only he does make connections this time. Connections that matter. And that's terrifying, because now that Souji isn't alone, now that he knows what belonging feels like, he never wants to lose that again. He never ever wants to go back. Hence his Shadow in episode 26. (I fucking love his Shadow sooo much you don't understand.)

This is a self indulgent one, but I also headcanon that Souji has learned that to keep the fleeting attention of his parents and the people around him, he has to keep up his grades and generally be helpful and accommodating. He values himself on his performance and talents since that's the only way he could receive the attention and love from his parents he wanted so badly. He's not naturally a great student, but he works his ass off to get good grades and do well at school and work and life in general. Basically everything other than socializing and making real connections which he struggles with hardcore because of autism.

Souji has learned from experience that his deadpan statements can be really funny to people, so he leans into that bit of his autism in the hopes it'll get him more acceptance from his peers. It's been hit or miss his whole life since a lot of people are still put off from him and he's started self isolating and stopped actively reaching out, but he knows the deadpan humor usually works better than trying to mask and his friends in Inaba love it and think it makes him charming.

Souji adores children. I think this is obvious considering how many of his social links involve children. In my opinion this is partially him just liking hanging out with kids because they're easier than adults because of his autism, but also is in large part because he remembers feeling abandoned and unloved as a kid and he doesn't want any other kid feeling that way.

Souji is gay. Like, fully homosexual, no interest whatsoever in women. He's known this for a while but he doesn't really know what to do with it since he knows society isn't super cool with it, especially out here in the boonies compared to the city. He's never really cared personally but he starts to care a little once he makes connections and this fact about himself starts to matter. But seeing Kanji start to and struggle to accept himself encourages Souji to accept and embrace that part of himself too, and by the time of the festival he's at the point of "fuck it, I am who I am and people can take it or leave it" and he's confident that if he told his friends they would still accept him.

As for his relationship with Yosuke, I think it's kind of a slow burn thing. He has feelings for Yosuke pretty early on but he doesn't pursue them since he's not really aware of them at first, he just Really Likes his partner and staring at him when he smiles. They are both pining for each other for so long without realizing what's going on because Yosuke's so closeted and Souji's just autistically oblivious of himself.

They both realize what their feelings mean around the same time (when they beat each other up ofc) and Souji is immediately ready to ask Yosuke to be his boyfriend because he's already completely head over heels but he doesn't know if Yosuke is ready for that so he waits for Yosuke to confess first. Which soon enough he does and from that point on they're partners for life.

Souji really, really wants to believe in the goodness of humanity. Like, extremely so. He thinks everyone is redeemable and has a good reason for their actions. So Adachi is completely incomprehensible to him. That's how I read their link in Golden, as Souji desperately wanting to believe that Adachi can be saved and that he has a secret good reason for killing people. Souji wants to understand and save him like he did with his friends. But the truth Souji has to face is that Adachi just sucks. Sometimes people you really liked and connected with just plain old suck. Sometimes people do evil shit for no good reason. Souji really liked Adachi. I think he bought into Adachi's silly act wholeheartedly (because autism) and related to it. So when he finds out Adachi is just an asshole that's really hard for him to accept.

Okay this is way too fucking long but I do think I talked about most of it. Basically, I give Souji a bunch of (my) trauma. Because I love him. Baby boy <3