#i am a swiftie goddamn it

[chongmiz]

it's still wild how the opening of miss americana, where she finds out rep wasn't nominated for a grammy, was shot like a found footage horror movie (it might well actually be on an iphone front camera) but treating that as The in media res of her cancellation that prompts her to become a vote blue no matter who lib is just incredible, the final thing to tip her into this rebrand was... not getting her annual pat on the head from an openly racist voting body

the coolest attitude is actually that of like, fiona apple and martin scorsese: it's all bullshit, just keep making art and it'll resonate with the right people. really rep's lack of contemporary recognition versus how it's aged should be proof that awards mean jack shit, but there's something immature about wanting Immediate praise that is connected to pushing out albums at the rate she does

[evermore-deluxe]

Lover Sky♡

tampa night 2 /// a MARVELOUS time /// my pics <3

[theodoraflowerday]

y'all really need to stop talking shit about casey on tags of my posts lmao it's starting to make me so angry

[justagalwhowrites]

Halcyon - Ch. 12: It Doesn’t Need to Mean Anything

You and Joel take Sarah to the concert. A continuation of Halcyon from the prologue through Ch. 11, a modern no outbreak AU TLOU fic found on Tumblr here.

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female Reader

Warnings: Joel and Goldie are still morons. Also... mild smut 🫠 Modern No Outbreak AU, No use of Y/N, Slow burn, 18+ only, Minors DNI

Length: 10.7K (no one look at me)

A/N: So much thanks to my beautiful bestie @dundienominee, official Swiftie Consultant for this chapter. She was integral to song selection and Eras Tour outfit choices because I am too casual of a fan to have the knowledge to do that well. Thank you thank you thank you for this and for always letting me bounce the angstiest shit off you, Bestie! Love you!!

AO3 | Main Master List | Prologue | Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

You stopped sleeping over at Joel’s. 

The distance took more adjustment than you’d expected and it wasn’t something either of you had explicitly stated, it just felt… necessary. You were getting too close to Joel - not something you would have even considered possible, once upon a time - and you needed to pull back before you ended up wounded and alone like you’d been more than a decade earlier. 

He began separating from you that night, when his hand was still holding your face and your body was still tight against his. You kissed him until he pulled away - not wanting it to end - and when he finally broke the kiss, your faces stayed close together for a moment, close enough that your noses touched and you could see the reflection from the sparks of the fireworks in his eyes. You could feel the rise and fall of his chest, the heat of his palm at the small of your back, the roughness of the callus under his fingers at the nape of your neck. If someone had asked you, in that moment, where you were, you couldn’t have told them. 

And then a gunshot cracked through the air, making the both of you jump and shock away from each other. 

“Fuckin’ assholes,” Joel snapped, looking around as though there was anyone else around you at the water’s edge to blame. “Shit’s dangerous and there are still idiots who decide to shoot guns in the air just because the goddamn calendar changed, fuckin’ morons…” 

There were a few feet between you now and you were suddenly very aware of the fact that you were in pajama pants and a long sleeved t-shirt and your nipples were pricked from the cold and the kiss and probably visible through the thin cotton. You crossed your arms over your chest, hoping Joel hadn’t noticed. 

“At least we’re in the middle of nowhere,” you said. “Less chance of the bullet falling on a person…” 

“Still,” he muttered, crossing his arms too. “Makes me nervous. Dumbasses like that should have their guns taken away, don’t act right…” 

You tightened your jaw but nodded, still watching him. 

“Sorry,” he said. You weren’t sure why. “We should probably get back inside, though. Gotta get the kid to bed, she’s cranky if she don’t get enough sleep….” 

“Can’t have a cranky Sarah,” you smiled a little. 

Joel looked at you for a moment and, for a delusional second, you half expected him to kiss you again. Then, he shoved his hands in the pockets of his flannel pants and rocked back on his heels once before starting up the hill toward the house. For the first few steps, he walked to the side almost as much as he did forward, until there was a good five feet between the two of you. You ignored the pang of hurt inside your chest and gave him a tight smile as he held the back door open for you, finding Tommy and Sarah on their feet and yelling at the TV as they raced in Mario Kart. 

He sat as far from you as he could at breakfast the next morning, taking the spot beside Sarah and across from Tommy at the kitchen table and pressing himself against the wall in the hallway when you ran into him there and needed past, making sure your body didn’t so much as brush against his the rest of the holiday weekend. 

When you went back to normal life, it reminded you of the few days after Joel had accidentally seen your shirtless selfie: radio silence. 

This time, you refused to crack first. If he regretting kissing you, that was on him. It wasn’t like you’d begged him to. Hell, you hadn’t even asked him to. He’d offered - after kissing you out of the blue just the day before no less - and now he couldn’t even look at you. Or text you, apparently. 

But you were starting to get a few steps beyond anxious when you still hadn’t heard from him by Friday afternoon. You hadn’t spent a weekend without Joel since you’d found each other again. You weren’t really sure what to do with yourself if you weren’t with Joel. Even though there was definitely a book you should be writing, doing that when you weren’t sure where you stood with your best friend seemed impossible. 

Still determined to not be the first one to reach out but not willing to face the prospect of being alone in your house with your cat - and with the temptation to call your almost ex-husband who actually had texted you since you’d last seen him - you got on Tinder. 

You swiped during a break between classes after triple checking that your age parameters wouldn’t catch any students, largely striking out until you found Stephen’s profile. He was a professor, too, but at Austin Community College. There was a picture of him in Napa Valley in his profile and one of him with a little girl (one he said was his niece) sitting on his shoulders. You smiled at that. You didn’t think you’d ever have children - though, really, you wanted some - but there was something about knowing a man was good with kids… 

You swiped right and got the alert that it was a match. He’d already swiped on you. Your heart sped up a little. Maybe you weren’t completely undatable, after all. 

Stephen messaged you just a few minutes later. 

Hi! How’s your Friday? 

You were working on typing a reply when another message popped up. 

Not to be a creep but… are you really who you say you are? 

You frowned at your phone for a moment. 

Hi back! It’s alright for the first Friday of a new semester. How about you? And yes, the last time I checked. Why?

It took him a little longer to respond that time. 

Let me know if I’m failing on the creep front but I may be what you call a fan. 

You laughed once. 

A fan? 

A fan. Your writing is brilliant, I can’t help it. 

Well, I have good editors. 

I’m sure you do but editors only get you so far. Trust me, I teach the intro English classes, I know. 

You laughed again and the two of you messaged back and forth until you had to go teach your last class of the day. When you finished, you checked your phone before leaving the lecture hall and there was a message waiting for you. 

I hope this isn’t too fast but can I take you out tomorrow? I’m sure you already have plans but on the off chance you don’t… 

You smiled. 

No plans that don’t involve my cat. What did you have in mind? 

Stephen, as it happened, had plenty in mind.

After getting a drink and chatting for a bit, he took you to salsa dancing night, something you’d never had thought to do yourself in a million years. The music was loud, the room was crowded and the energy of it all made your skin pebble as you smiled. 

“C’mon,” he held his hand out to you. “Let’s dance.” 

“Oh, no,” you waved him off. “I can’t.” 

“I’ll show you,” he smiled. “Don’t worry, I’ve got you.” 

He led you to a quiet corner of the dance floor and showed you the most basic steps and you let him guide you through it as you watched your feet and tried not to step on his toes. By the end, you were laughing so hard you couldn’t breathe and he was laughing, too, putting an arm around your shoulders and guiding you to a booth in the corner. 

Stephen got you a cocktail and settled in across from you, the two of you talking about the semester so far and books and your favorite places to travel. 

You were surprised to find that you were having… well, fun. You hadn’t really had fun out with someone who wasn’t Joel in so long the concept seemed almost foreign to you. And Stephen was smart, you had shared interests, he was sweet and funny and insightful. You liked him. 

But… he wasn’t Joel. 

That was the thought you were trying to shake when he left you alone at the table, excusing himself to the bathroom and to grab another round of drinks and you decided to check your phone. 

Gale had texted you, seeing if you wanted to get coffee. Like the last few texts he’d sent, you didn’t respond. You knew, if you did, you’d end up back in his bed and you’d never be able to move on from him, not really. Hell, you’d let yourself become the other woman while he carried on with your younger, prettier, thinner replacement, keeping her on his arm at every faculty event and book release he used to bring you to while fucking you on the side. A mistress to your own husband. Pathetic.

But the temptation to respond was still there. If there was one man besides Joel who’d been able to hold your attention, it was Gale. When you’d met him, you hadn’t been sure you’d ever recover from loving Joel. It seemed like he would be there, as some part of you, forever. And that was true, he never really left. It was more that you seemed to find room inside yourself to love someone who wasn’t Joel. You realized now that it hadn’t been able to love him as much as you did Joel - or even, really, in the same way - but you did love him. That, now that you were faced with the intensity of how Joel seemed to take hold of you, seemed miraculous. You didn’t expect to find that feeling again so easily.

You looked toward the bathrooms, where you knew Stephen had disappeared to. Stephen, the man who you had every reason to have feelings for, who had taken you out for a great date, who could be someone that could pull you out of this hideous pattern with Joel and Gale if you just gave him the chance. 

You sighed and closed your texts just as a new one came through, this one from Joel. 

Your heart stuttered. You hadn’t heard from him in so long that just seeing his name hit you hard. You glanced up. Stephen was just coming out of the men’s room and heading for the bar. 

You opened the text. 

This radio silence shit sucks. 

You scoffed a little. 

You started it. 

He responded immediately. 

You at home? Come over. Sarah’s about to go to bed, we can watch the next Curtis and Viper commentary in the marathon. 

Sorry, I can’t tonight. 

You looked up to the bar again, Stephen still waiting to talk to the bartender. By the time you looked back down at your phone, Joel had texted back. 

Why not? Puck will behave for a few hours, promise. 

You frowned. 

Believe it or not, I’m not home with my cat on a Saturday night. 

Bullshit.

Is not. I’m on a date, actually. I do have a life outside of you, you know. 

Stephen was just getting to the bar to order when your phone screen lit up, Joel sticking his tongue out at you taking over the whole of it as he called you. 

You sighed and answered it. 

“Hi.” 

“Who the fuck are you on a date with?” Joel demanded. “It had better not be fucking Brad…” 

“So good to hear from you,” you said. “How have you been for the past, I don’t know, WEEK.” 

“Five days. Answer the question, Goldie,” he said. “Are you out with your goddamn husband?” 

“No,” you rolled your eyes even though he couldn’t see you. “I’m out with a guy named Stephen, he’s very nice actually…” 

“Who the fuck is Stephen?” 

“I met him on Tinder, thank you very much,” you said. 

“What?” Joel said and you could picture him leaning forward on his couch, his elbow on his knee. “Wait, when? I didn’t vet some fucker named Stephen…” 

“You don’t get to vet people when you don’t talk to me for a week,” you hissed into the phone, glancing at the bar to see Stephen paying for the drinks. “Besides, I don’t need you to review my damn dates like some kind of baby sitter…” 

“Five days. And you have shit taste in men,” he cut you off. “So yeah, you do.” 

“Yeah, well, when you ghost me…” 

“I didn’t fuckin’ ghost you!” 

“When you GHOST me for a week…” 

“Five days!” 

“…you don’t get to judge me for my life choices!” 

“I didn’t ghost you,” he snapped. “I thought we could both use a little space…” 

“Uh huh.” 

“And I didn’t think you’d do something stupid when I left you unsupervised for 30 goddamn seconds!” 

“OK this isn’t stupid,” you said. “He’s a nice guy, he’s an English professor who likes wine and has actually asked me questions about myself…” 

“Look at you go.” 

“Fuck off,” you said, watching as Stephen headed back to the table with drinks. “He’s coming back, I have to go.” 

“No, hold on…” 

“Bye!” 

You hung up and slapped the phone face down on the table with a little too much force as Stephen smiled, setting your cocktail in front of you. 

“If that’s a friend calling to get you out of this, I promise I won’t give you a hard time,” he said, a slightly teasing edge to his voice. 

“No,” you laughed. “Well, I mean, it is a friend but no, not calling to get me out of it. Just a friend with a history of just the worst timing and a total inability to read the room.”

“She sounds great,” he laughed back. 

You didn’t correct him on the gender, instead just laughing with him and taking a sip of your drink.

The two of you closed the bar down and went to Waffle House after, sitting on opposite sides of the booth so you could stretch out and put your feet up as you pushed your syrup soaked chocolate chip waffle around on your plate. 

“So,” you said as you watched Stephen from across the table. “Not to put a damper on things but… I feel like you should know that I’m not looking for anything too serious right now…” 

“Oh,” Stephen frowned a little. “Can… Can I ask why?” 

“My life is kind of complicated at the moment?” You said it more like a question, as though the difficulties were somehow negotiable. “My divorce isn’t finalized yet, my sister is pregnant and I’m her only support system, I have a book deadline later this year…” I can’t stop thinking about kissing my best friend. You didn’t say that. “I don’t feel like I can really be a great partner to anyone right now. But I would like someone I can have fun with when I can? If you’re OK with that?” 

He nodded slowly, looking at his mug of coffee for a moment. 

“Do you know how long it’s going to be complicated?” He asked. “Just… Cards on the table, I already really like you. I don’t want to get in over my head here.” 

“Another few months at least,” you said. “But not forever. At least, I hope not forever.” 

He nodded again, turning his mug slowly on the table and you watched as the handle went back and forth. 

“I can handle a few months,” he said eventually, looking over at you. 

You smiled a little, wishing that him saying that made your heart pick up the way it did when Joel touched you. 

“Good,” you said. “Me too.” 

When the two of you left the restaurant, he went to kiss you goodbye but you dodged it, kissing him on the cheek instead. By the time you were home, you had a flurry of texts from Joel, the last one demanding to know when you made it home safely. 

I’m home, you control freak. 

It was so late you didn’t expect a response but one came through anyway as you stood at your bathroom sink taking off your makeup. 

Glad you’re not dead in a ditch somewhere. 

Why are you still up? Go to BED! 

I can’t sleep if I know you’re out there with some random! 

You rolled your eyes. 

Well now that you know no one has stuffed me in the trunk of their car… 

I’ll try to care less in the future. 

“Jesus,” you muttered to yourself as Joel texted again. 

Lunch tomorrow? 

Tomorrow Sunday or tomorrow Monday? You wrote. It’s after midnight.

Lunch Sunday, he said stop being a dick.

You laughed a little at that. At least things weren’t that different, even if you wished they were. 

Lunch the next day felt normal, even as Joel demanded to see Stephen’s Tinder profile and look at some of his messages. Most things went back to normal after that, too. Everything except for the sleepovers. 

But now that you were getting ready to leave for Dallas for the concert, you were nervous. You had one hotel room, a small suite the two of you had picked out together, one with two beds in the bedroom and a pull out sofa in the living room. When you were booking the trip, it made sense. Sarah could sleep in a bed with either of you or in the living room on her own and either way, you and Joel wouldn’t be beholden to the bedtime of an 11-year-old. It’s not like you needed space from each other then. 

Now, things felt different. It had been three months since you’d last shared a room with Joel. The casual intimacy that had existed between you had evaporated like mist and you wondered if it had always been a causal, ephemeral thing even when it had felt so grounding. 

At least, you thought, you’d have the separate beds. You’d booked the room before sharing a bed was quite so commonplace in your friendship. At least you wouldn’t need to be quite that close to him knowing how he felt about it. That was a comfort. 

And you were looking forward to some distance from your sister. Now that she was getting closer to her due date, you were together all the time. From lamaze classes to parenting seminars to going with her to AA and NA meetings as moral support, you were with Anna more now than you had been since the two of you were girls and it was summer vacation and you had nothing else to do. 

“I swear to God that one old mom thinks we’re a couple,” she snickered as the two of you got pancakes after a lamaze class one day. 

“What?” You gaped at her. “Ew!” 

“Oh, for sure,” she said, reaching over and stealing a piece of bacon off your plate. You glared at her and she shrugged. “What? I’m eating for two.” 

“Uh huh.” 

“But she definitely thinks we’re lesbians,” she continued. “She was giving me the stink eye before you came in today. I think she thinks you’re the scary one, by the way, because she definitely stopped when you got there.” 

“Jesus,” you shuddered. “Wrong on so many levels. One, you’re my baby sister and that’s just gross. Two, you are definitely the scary one.” 

“Oh, for sure,” Anna nodded seriously and then laughed. “Besides, if you were my girlfriend I definitely wouldn’t be letting you run off with some old flame for the weekend…” 

“Joel is not an old flame,” you rolled your eyes. 

“Sure,” she said in a teasing tone. “And Stephen is fine with this?” 

“Stephen doesn’t get a say in what I do,” you replied. “We’re just seeing each other now and then, he’s not my boyfriend.” 

“Whatever you say,” she said, giving you a look that you weren’t sure you wanted to deal with. 

You hadn’t told her about the kiss with Joel. You hadn’t told her about losing your virginity to Joel before you left for college, either. But somehow, she seemed to know. Your sister, for all the distance you’d forced and all the troubles she’d had, just knew. 

And that made you more nervous than you should have been for spending the weekend away. 

But you packed a bag - featuring a costume for the concert picked from your closet by Sarah - and headed for Joel’s, Puck in his little cat carrier on your passenger seat. 

“Aunt Goldie!” Sarah rocketed out of the house, her curls flying as she ran for your car. “It’s here! We’re really going!” 

“We are!” You said with a laugh, catching her as she threw herself at you. Joel followed behind her, getting your duffle from the back seat. 

“Did you remember your outfit?” She asked, pulling back and looking up at you with wide eyes. 

“I absolutely did,” you smiled at her before looking at her dad. “Hey Joel.” 

“Goldie,” he gave you a nod. “You ready for this?” 

“For a road trip with my favorite kid?” You asked. “Absolutely.” 

You got Puck settled at Joel’s - his neighbors, the Adlers, promising to look in on both cats while you were away - and got loaded into Joel’s truck, a bag of snacks and cooler of drinks sitting next to Sarah in the back seat. 

“We’re listening from the start of the discography,” she said, leaning forward and grabbing the input for her phone. “We need to make sure we know all the eras before we get there.” 

Joel looked like he was trying not to laugh. 

“Whatever you say, baby girl.” 

It was easy to fall into life with Sarah and Joel, even just for the few hours in the truck. Sarah dramatically performing into an imaginary microphone in the back seat, Joel reminding her to buckle back in every time she undid her seatbelt for a particularly big dance move. You stopped in West for pastries and chocolate milk and, by the time you pulled into the hotel on Friday evening, the three of you were a little hopped up on sugar and in desperate need of real food. 

“Oh this place is fancy,” Sarah said, a mocking and overwrought English accent on the last word as you looked around the lobby. 

“Well, needed a room with space for the three of us…” Joel said, voice trailing off as he looked for the check in counter before spotting it. “Don’t go wanderin’ off, alright? I’ll get us checked in, we can drop the bags and figure out something besides junk for dinner…” 

“But I like junk” Sarah said. 

“Yeah, I know you do,” he said before looking to you. “Keep her out of trouble, will you?” 

“Bold of you to assume she’d be the problem.” 

“Knew you’d be trouble,” he smirked a little before going to get in the check in line. 

You stuck close to Sarah, who was using the short wall of the lobby garden as a balance beam as she worked out the pent up energy from the hours spent in the car. 

“How many songs do you think she’ll sing?” Sarah asked after the spun on the end of the wall, her sneakers squeaking on the polished stone. 

“I dunno,” you said. “Probably a lot since the concert is a few hours long.” 

“I don’t want to see spoilers but my friends keep sending videos,” she said. “I haven’t watched any of them, I want to see it all in person.” 

She did a jump like she was imitating a gymnast, making you instinctively reach for her, trying to hide your hiss of fear as she landed smoothly on the narrow wall. She looked at your worried expression and laughed. 

“Please be careful,” you said as she started walking the wall again. “If you get yourself killed I’ll have to go through the hassle of selling these tickets online…” 

Sarah snorted. 

“You’d miss me,” she said, teasing. 

“That too,” you smiled a little before looking toward the check in counter. Joel was at the front now but he looked to be in deep conversation with the man behind the desk. You frowned. “Stay put, kiddo.” 

“Keep jumping on the wall, got it.” 

You shot Sarah a glare before heading for the desk. 

“No, that’s not going to work,” Joel was saying. “I booked the room I booked for a reason, I need two beds…” 

“I’m sorry, Mr. Miller,” the man said. “I’m afraid we’re completely full this weekend and this is the only room I can put you in…” 

“What’s happening?” You asked, eyebrows knitting together and looking between them. 

“They don’t have the room we picked,” Joel said, eyes darting quickly to you, almost like he was afraid to look at you. “They only have rooms with one bed…” 

“Wait, what?” You looked at the man behind the counter. “Seriously? We have a confirmation number, we…” 

“I know, and I apologize,” he said. “With the concerts, we’re booked solid this weekend and there must have been a mixup with an earlier check in. I can’t move someone who’s already checked in. I already looked at our sister property across town but they’re completely full, too…” 

Joel looked at you, his eyes a little wider than you were used to seeing them. Almost like he was going to panic at just the thought of sharing a bed with you. 

“We can make it work, right?” You said, watching him. “I mean… it’s not that bad, is it?” 

“Right,” Joel said. “Yeah, you’re right…” 

He turned back to the man. 

“I guess we’ll take it,” he said. “Three keys, please.” 

Your stomach knotted a little. You knew the situation was less than ideal, that the two of you had been actively avoiding that level of contact in the months since the new year, but it’s not as though you’d never shared a bed. Was kissing you really so bad that Joel was on the verge of a panic at the thought of sleeping next to you for two nights? 

Maybe it was. Maybe you hadn’t fully understood his level of disgust at it.

You weren’t stupid, after all. You knew what he thought about kissing you. And if you hadn’t already known, you knew for sure when you overheard him talking to Tommy about it. 

“It was a mistake,” he’d said when he thought you couldn’t hear. “It won’t happen again, I’m done doing stupid shit with her and then regretting it…” 

Being close to you - touching you - was stupid shit. Even under the guise of friendship it was stupid shit. That had stung. 

It shouldn’t have.

You’d known he felt that way, you had for years. It shouldn’t have made your chest tighten and your stomach turn the way it did. He’d made it clear - since the first time the two of you had ever done anything physical - that it was a mistake. You weren’t about to risk losing him by pressing it, no matter how much you wanted to scream that he was the one who kissed you, not the other way around.

But, you supposed, it didn’t really matter. If he didn’t want you that close to him, you weren’t about to force it on him. He was still happy enough to be your friend, even if he didn’t want to sleep next to you anymore. That was fine. You could live with that. And you could share a bed with him for a weekend without blurring that line again. 

Joel got the keys and you got Sarah from her makeshift balance beam before heading up to the room. He shifted his weight awkwardly from foot to foot on the elevator ride up and you tried to keep from grinding your teeth as Sarah bounced eagerly on the balls of her feet, shooting off like a rocket the second the doors opened. 

“Room 1521!” Joel called after her as she took off down the hall. “Jesus, I swear that kid has the energy to power a small city…” 

She beat you there and Joel handed her a key and Sarah did the honors of letting you into the room. 

“Oh cool!” She squealed, running in. “I get the couch bed right?” 

“Uh…” Joel’s eyes darted to you. 

“There’s a TV by it!” She ran to it. “Oh and the fridge is in this room! This one’s mine!” 

You just shrugged at him and he sighed. 

“Sure is, baby girl,” he said. “You wanna get changed before we go get something to eat?” 

“Nope!” She said, kicking off her shoes and jumping from couch cushion to couch cushion. “But if we get back early enough, can we go swimming?” 

“Sure,” Joel said. “Give me n’Goldie a minute and we’ll head out…” 

You gave Joel a tight smile and led the way to the bedroom. 

The bed, at least, was a king sized one, bigger than yours or Joel’s at home. You could keep to your separate sides of it well enough. 

“I’ll take the side by the door,” he said. You were about to protest - that was the right side of the bed and he always slept on the left - but kept your mouth shut. You didn’t have a side of the bed with Joel. Or, you shouldn’t, anyway. “Did you need to change?” 

“Just out of these leggings,” you said. “I only need a minute.” 

“Right,” he said. “I gotta use the bathroom anyway, so…” 

He stood there, awkward, for a moment before heading to the attached bathroom. You set your bag on the long, low dresser and unzipped it, rifling around for a moment until you found your jeans. You peeled off your leggings and folded them up, setting them beside your bag when your phone started vibrating in your jacket pocket. 

You frowned. You almost never got phone calls. You pulled your phone out and saw Anna’s ID picture and you answered quickly. 

“Anna?” You said, heart racing. “Is everything OK? Are you OK? Is the baby OK?” 

“What?” She asked. “Yeah, everything’s fine, why wouldn’t it be?” 

You relaxed a little. 

“You just don’t usually call,” you said. “What’s up?” 

“Oh,” she laughed. “Yeah, sorry, I didn’t mean freak you out. I just got an email from the OBGYN, they need to move my scan next week, can you do Wednesday afternoon?” 

“Is Thursday an option?” You asked. “I have more afternoon classes on Wednesdays…” 

“You decent?” Joel called from the other side of the bathroom door. 

“Looks like they have Thursday,” Anna said. 

“Hang on!” You called to Joel, still standing there in your pale pink satin panties, before turning your attention back to Anna. “Thursday is better, just let me know a time and I can adjust some office hours.” 

“Great!” She said. “I’ll text you the details. Have fun at the concert!” 

You were about to say your goodbyes when the bathroom door opened and, suddenly, you were standing there in your underwear in front of your best friend. 

The two of you just stared at each other for a moment, Joel’s eyes wide and ranging over you as you stood, frozen with your phone clutched to the side of your head. 

“Sorry!” Joel said quickly, turning around as you scrambled to hang up the phone and cover yourself. 

“I said hang on!” You said, grabbing your jeans. Joel glanced back over his shoulder before whipping his head back around. 

“I thought you said come on!” He said. “Sorry, I didn’t mean…” 

“It’s fine,” you said, jumping into the pants as quickly as you could, trying to wrestle the denim quickly over the swell of your ass before buttoning them. “There, you’re safe.” 

“Sorry,” he said again, turning around cautiously. As though you were a grenade that might explode if he caught a glimpse of your bared skin. “I wasn’t trying… I’m sorry.” 

“I said it’s fine,” you grabbed your purse. “Let’s get something besides junk food in Sarah otherwise I’m sure we’re going to pay for it later.” 

“Right,” he nodded. “Let’s go.” 

Joel was still tense next to you at dinner and you damn near chugged a glass of wine in the hopes it would help untie the knot in your stomach. 

Thankfully, you’d brought beer in the cooler from Austin and you grabbed two of them - putting the cans in koozies to cover the labels - when taking Sarah to the pool after dinner. The two of you sat and watched her play with other girls who, you assumed, were also in town for the concert. 

Joel relaxed a little then, just the two of you tucked into a corner of the hot tub with a beer in his hand. 

“Who knew I’d feel so old at 33,” he groaned a little, leaning his head back so it rested on the edge of the hot tub. “Just drove a few hours and I’m already wonderin’ how I’m gonna keep up with her tomorrow.” 

“We do have to keep her busy most of the day,” you smiled a little, watching as she lined up at the edge of the deep end of the pool next to three other girls. They jumped in one by one, each girl doing some kind of dramatic twist or funny hand gesture as they fell toward the water, shrieking and laughing as they came up for air. “It’s going to be a challenge.” 

“Thanks for doin’ this,” he said, tone more serious as he looked at you. “It really does mean a lot. We don’t have a lot of people, always felt like I’ve let her down by not having more. I’m glad she’s got someone else who cares about her, you know?” 

You smiled a little. 

“Of course I care about her,” you said. “She means the world to me. You both do.” 

His eyes traced your face and your heart beat a little faster in spite of yourself. 

“Hey Dad!” Sarah called, pulling you away from each other. “Aunt Goldie! Watch this!” 

“We’re watchin’!” Joel called back. 

Sarah looked to her new friend - a girl who looked to be about her age with red hair in a braid down her back - and they gave each other a nod before running for the edge of the pool and jumping for the water, the girls twisting in the air to slap each other’s hands before they splashed down. You laughed and clapped as they surfaced, Sarah beaming. 

“Looks great, baby girl,” Joel said. “But no runnin’ by the pool, just like at home. It’s not safe.” 

Sarah rolled her eyes as she swam to the side of the pool and going back to her new found friends. 

Things felt almost normal as the three of you headed back to the room, towels over your shoulders and a trail of water behind you in the elevators. Sarah settled quickly once you were back in the hotel room, Joel telling her she couldn’t have any more soda or juice after she brushed her teeth but he did let her pick a movie to put on the TV as she settled into the pull out couch, looking like she was getting away with something as she watched Legally Blonde from her bed. 

Joel stayed in the bathroom far longer than you thought he’d need to as you both got changed into pajamas. You’d seen him go through his nighttime routine enough times, you knew he was trying to make sure he didn’t accidentally see you in your panties again. 

You had, at least, planned ahead for sharing a room with Joel, packing a fairly conservative set of sleep shorts with a matching shirt and changing quickly so you could spare him the sight. You climbed in bed when you were done, staying as far on your side as you could reach, a book propped open on your knees. 

Joel knocked before opening the door, anyway, and you winced as you replied. 

“You’re safe,” you said. He still opened the door cautiously, breathing a sigh of relief when he saw you tucked below the covers. You smiled tightly at him as he climbed in bed beside you, his curls still damp from the pool. You tried not to just look at him - you shouldn’t want to just look at him, he was your friend - as he got settled and scrolled his phone for a moment before he looked toward you. 

“Want to watch a shitty movie?” 

“God, yes,” you said, putting your bookmark in. 

Joel laughed a little and turned the TV on, finding the Hallmark channel with some particularly insipid movie you didn’t need to know the plot of to keep up with, even coming in half way through. 

By the time it was over, the two of you had drifted closer on the bed, both of you a little breathless from laughter. You turned out the lights and lay down, more beside each other than against each other, and you stared at the ceiling for a moment, trying not to think about the fact that the warmth soaking into you came from Joel. 

“M’sorry about the room mix up,” he said quietly into the dark. “I hope it’s not… I don’t want you to feel weird.”

“I don’t,” you said quickly. “It’s fine.” 

“Good,” he said. “Because the last thing I want is to make you uncomfortable…” 

“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, either,” your voice dropped low enough that it was almost a whisper. 

“You don’t,” he said, almost as fast as you’d responded to him. 

“Good,” you said after a moment. “Goodnight, Joel.” 

“Night, Goldie.” 

***

Joel had a hard-on when he woke up. 

A goddamn boner pressed against his best friend’s ass, an ass he’d seen barely concealed by the softest looking fucking satin or silk or whatever the fuck women’s panties were made of, a sight he couldn’t seem to shake. Not that it was that different from seeing you in a swim suit but there was something about the intimacy of seeing you in a state of undress when he knew - or was pretty damn sure, anyway - that he was the only man who’d seen you that way in months. He liked that sight being reserved just for him. 

He needed to get the fuck over that. 

He was trying to. Really, truly, sincerely he was trying. He’d managed to get some distance from you - though that had helped less than he really expected. But he couldn’t bring himself to just cut you off. 

Even though that would probably be the smart thing to do. 

Clearly you didn’t feel for him the way he felt for you. He’d kissed you - twice - and you acted like it was nothing. Hell, you’d jumped on Tinder as soon as you got home from the cabin and found fucking Stephen. His stomach had twisted in on itself when he saw that text. Consciously, he knew you didn’t feel the same way he did but fuck, he’d hoped it would take you longer than a few days to do something like resort to Tinder after he kissed you. 

And now here he was, his dick against your ass as you slept tucked against him. He wondered what had done it. Had he dreamed about you and those pink little panties only to forget it when he woke? Had he just felt your body against him as you slept, all curved back into him and making your home against his torso with your legs all tucked up toward your stomach so the lush of your ass was nestled right against his cock? Had he just smelled your hair from where you’d moved in the night, the scent of you all close and beautiful driving him to a step beyond wanting? 

It didn’t really matter, he supposed. All that mattered now was making sure you didn’t know it happened. 

He adjusted himself delicately, his cock aching and leaky in the cotton of his pajama pants, rolling slowly onto his back and leaving the arm you were currently using as a pillow below your head. Joel tried to gently extract his arm, hoping he could make it to the bathroom and - after locking the doors - jerking off fast and hard to the memory of you in those little panties

No such luck. You stirred then, uncoiling yourself and stretching out with a satisfied little moan that seemed to have a direct line to his hard cock, making it twitch in the confines of his pants. 

“Morning,” you said, voice groggy as you adjusted, lifting off his arm and arching your back before relaxing down into the mattress. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to cramp your space…” 

“S’fine,” Joel said quickly. The two of you lay in awkward quiet for a moment. “Should probably get movin’…” 

“Yup,” you said, getting up quickly. “Big day ahead of us.” 

The three of you got ready to go - Sarah already eager to get into her concert outfit and you had to talk her down - before heading to breakfast. Joel just watched you and Sarah talk about her favorite song lyrics over bacon and eggs and wondered how the hell he was supposed to move on from you when you were like this with his daughter. 

You went to the aquarium that day, you and Joel just hanging back as Sarah pressed her face against the glass at every exhibit, finding the fish she liked best and trying to learn everything she could about them. 

Joel found himself watching you almost as much as he watched his daughter, the streaks of refracted light from the water catching on your eyes and skin and hair.

“What?” You asked when you caught him, a puzzled smile on your face. 

“Nothin’,” he shrugged, looking toward the tank. 

“OK,” you laughed a little. “Weirdo.” 

“That’s me,” he smiled, shaking his head a bit. 

“Well, as long as you’re aware.” 

The three of you went back to the room with plenty of time to get ready and Sarah practically shoved Joel into the living room the second they were there. 

“You’re a boy,” she said before she closed the door. “We have a lot more to do than you.” 

There were a few seconds of quiet before the Taylor Swift started playing and Joel laughed a little, distracting himself with a phone game while you and his daughter gave each other makeovers in the bedroom. 

“Dad!” Sarah poked her head out a while later. 

He set the phone down. 

“Yes baby girl?” 

“Are you ready?” She said. “Because we have to do a fashion show.” 

“Fashion show it up, kiddo,” he said. “M’ready.” 

“OK, put New Romantics on,” she said. Joel frowned and she rolled her eyes. “We need a soundtrack, Dad, just do it!” 

“Alright, alright,” he said, going into Spotify and finding the song. “Ready when you are.” 

“Presenting the eras of Sarah and Goldie,” she said with dramatic flair before throwing the bedroom door open and jumping into the living room in a pink shirt covered in sequins and her white skort. Her hair was in two what she liked to call “space buns” on the top of her head, pink plastic hair ties holding them in place. Her springy curls were covered in glitter and she had on bright pink, sparkling eyeshadow and gem stones on her cheeks as she beamed, her arms over her head as she showed off her outfit. “I’m in my Lover era because it’s the best one, obviously.” 

“Obviously,” Joel tried to keep himself from laughing. “That’s a lot of glitter, kiddo.” 

“It’s a concert, Dad,” she rolled her eyes as you poked your head around the door to look into the living room and he caught a glimpse of your much darker makeup. 

“It’s just a spray,” you said. “It’s supposed to wash out pretty easy.” 

“No, don’t show yourself yet!” Sarah shoved you lightly back behind the door. “You have to do it all at once to get the full effect!” 

“Sorry!” You called and Joel heard the hint of a laugh on the edges of your voice. “You tell me when it’s OK to come out.” 

“Thank you,” Sarah said, turning back to Joel and striking a pose. “Lover is the best because it has the most pink AND it has Cruel Summer on it.” 

“Sure,” Joel nodded seriously even though he had no idea what she was talking about. “You look great, baby girl. Very pink.” 

She beamed. 

“And now, Aunt Goldie -” she stepped to the side of the doorway and threw her arms out with a flourish - “who is in her Reputation era!” 

Joel didn’t know what the fuck that meant, either. All he knew was that he had a hard time keeping his mouth shut as you stepped around the door, a sheepish look on your face as you turned in a slow circle to show off your entire outfit. You were in black jeans that hugged every curve of your legs, heeled black boots, a satiny shirt that was low cut enough that he could see a hint of the black lace bra below and a black leather jacket. Your eyes were dark and your lashes were long, your lips blazing red and all he could think about was how much he wanted to ruin that fucking lipstick. He was so busy staring at you like an idiot, he missed what Sarah was saying. 

“I’m sorry, kiddo, what was that?” He asked, not looking at Sarah. He couldn’t seem to take his eyes off you. 

“She’s in her reputation era because it’s the most badass - sorry Dad - one,” she said. “And she’s definitely badass. Sorry.” 

“I tried to tell her that no, I’m definitely not,” you said. “But she wouldn’t listen.” 

“Nah, she’s right,” Joel said, hoping he didn’t look like too much of a fucking idiot as he stared at you. “You…” he tried to find some way to describe you that didn’t make him sound like a dumbass. “You look great.” 

You smiled a little. 

“Thanks,” you said. “And what are you wearing?” 

“Oh, right,” he said, getting up from the couch. “Sarah picked somethin’ for me too…” 

He ducked around you into the bedroom and resisted the urge to run his hand over your stomach to the curve of your waist and pull you against him. He changed his shoes into his cowboy boots and got his cowboy hat out from its place in his bag before emerging. 

“What era is this, baby girl?” He asked, his hands awkwardly shoved in the pockets of his jeans. 

“That’s the evermore era,” Sarah said knowingly. Joel frowned and she rolled her eyes. “Cowboy Like Me. Duh.”

Joel saw you press your lips together as you tried not to laugh. 

“Duh, yes,” Joel said. 

“Oh! And…” She scampered to her bag and opened the side pocket of her duffle, pulling out fistfuls of plastic beads. “Friendship bracelets!” 

She put a few on herself before holding clusters of them out to each of you. 

“You’re supposed to trade them with other people at the show! I made a bunch!” 

“Thank you!” You said sliding the cluster of them up your arm and turning them in the light. “I didn’t know concerts required so much prep work…” 

“We ready to go?” Joel asked. “I know parking’s gonna be a nightmare…” 

“Yeah!” Sarah damn near bounded toward the door. “Let’s go!” 

The concert was packed, awash with bright colors and excited squeals as the three of you settled in, Sarah immediately striking up a conversation with a girl about her age in a purple dress, trading bracelets with her. 

“Oh, right,” you said, leaning around Joel to see what Sarah was doing. You started looking over the mass of beads on your wrist and selecting one, passing it over to him. “This one seems good.” 

Joel took it, most of the beads letters that said Call It What You Want. He made a mental note to listen to the song at some point. He smiled a little, putting it on the wrist that didn’t have any bracelets yet so he wouldn’t accidentally give it away. 

“Thanks,” he said, looking at his own wrist until he found the one that made the most sense to him and handed it over before he could think better of it. “Here, in trade.” 

You smiled and took it before laughing a little. 

“You Belong With Me, huh?” You asked. He shrugged and you traced your thumb over the letters before sliding it on your wrist. “Thank you.” 

“Dad!” Sarah grabbed his arm and held up hers. “Look! She gave me her Lover one!”

“That’s great, baby girl,” he smiled at the glittery pastel beads, Sarah’s eyes wide and bright. 

It was impossible to not love how happy Sarah was here. He wasn’t sure he’d ever seen her smile quite so huge or seen her eyes quite so bright. It was like she was getting everything she had ever dreamed as she chattered away to every girl around them as they waited for the show to start. He drank it in, trying to make sure he remembered clearly, sharply how it felt to see her so happy. After a while, he looked to you to find you watching Sarah, too, a look on your face that was almost as happy as hers and you looked so beautiful he almost wasn’t tempted to look at the plush swell of your lace clad cleavage below your satin shirt. 

Almost. 

“What?” You laughed a little, gaze meeting his just as the lights dimmed. 

“Thank you,” he said. “For wanting to make her happy.” 

You just smiled gently before taking his hand and giving it a squeeze, Joel’s heart skipping a beat as everyone’s attention turned to the stage and cheered, the music starting. 

He didn’t pay much attention to the music during the concert, more interested in watching Sarah have fun and you indulging her, happily dancing along with her and clapping excitedly when she did. 

But there was one song in a slower section that he couldn’t help but notice. You’d been swaying along to the music and Joel had been appreciating the guitar when your head drifted over and rested on his shoulder. He froze for a moment, looking at you with the small smile on your red lips and your eyes all soft as you watched the stage and fuck he wanted to kiss you. He wanted to kiss you and he wanted it to be unlike every other time he kissed you, each of them full of driving want or couched in some pretense. Instead, he wanted to kiss you all soft and slow, gentle and earnest. He wanted to take his time and memorize the taste of you and the way your body felt when cradled against him just so. 

But he couldn’t do that so he tried to focus on the song but the lyrics cut him to the quick. 

One night he wakes

Strange look on his face

Pauses, then says

You're my best friend

And you knew what it was

He is in love

The words were striking in their familiarity, like they’d been written just for him. It was a moment he’d had a long time ago, almost 20 years back now, a lightning bolt that made him stare straight up at his ceiling in the middle of the night, right at the spot over his bed that had some Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition model poster tacked into the popcorn plaster. The model didn’t hold a candle to you and your slow building smiles and the way you grabbed his bicep for support when you laughed. 

Because he loved you. 

He’d never loved anything outside of his family before but he loved you. The realization swallowed him up, swift and devastating, because he knew - even at 16 he knew - that it would never work. You were too smart, you burned too bright, you wouldn’t have your feet glued to this place the way his were. You’d move on after high school and go change the world and he’d be able to read your name in the paper and say that he knew you once. 

Except he’d always assumed that, eventually, he’d move on. That he’d love something else, find some slice of that all encompassing feeling in another woman. He was just 16 then, after all. Who the fuck married someone they met in high school these days? He’d move on. 

But he didn’t. He’d just poured all the love he had into his daughter until he was struck by you again and realized that no, it hadn’t faded. He still loved you in a way he’d never loved anything else and in a way he didn’t think he’d ever love anything else again and he still knew - even at 33 he knew - that it wasn’t going to work. And he couldn’t risk pressing it, not when life was this much better just because you were close. 

But what was he supposed to do? Was he supposed to spend the rest of his life trying to pretend that he’d find someone else to feel this way about? Was he supposed to steep himself in this torturous proximity until he lost himself to it? Was he supposed to try to bear finding distance from you - when he couldn’t even last a few days not speaking to you - so he could manage it? 

He didn’t know. He wasn’t sure he would ever really know. 

“Joel?” You stepped back from him, your eyebrows knitted together. “You OK?” 

You lifted a hand and pressed the back of it to his cheek. 

“M’fine,” he frowned. “Why?” 

“You look pale,” you said, moving your hand to the other side of his face. “But you don’t feel warm…” 

“Just gettin’ too old for the concert life,” he smiled a little. “Don’t worry about it.” 

You took your hand back. He wasn’t sure if it was a kindness or a cruelty. 

“Better get used to it if you’re going to start playing again,” you said, facing back toward the stage. 

“Yeah,” he said, heart clenching a little. “I’d better.” 

You and Sarah got him to dance and he memorized the look on Sarah’s face as the show wound down, all happiness and joy at getting exactly what she wanted.

After a seemingly endless wait for an Eras Tour t-shirt and the traffic jam to leave the parking lot, the three of you made it back to the hotel, Sarah asleep in the back seat. You went to wake her but Joel stopped you. 

“I’ve got ‘er,” he said quietly, lifting her delicately from the back seat. She groggily put her arms around his neck and nuzzled into his shoulder and he smiled a little. She might be getting big but at least he could still carry his baby girl to bed. 

The two of you tucked her in together before tiptoeing to the bedroom. 

“Thank God I talked Sarah out of glitter for me,” you said quietly as you took your makeup off, already in your pajamas in front of the bathroom mirror. Joel tried to resist the urge to trace the curve of your legs and ass with his eyes. “I’ve barely got the energy to take this off…” 

“Her hair’s gonna be a nightmare tomorrow,” he said, smiling in spite of himself. 

“Yeah, but she loved it,” you looked at him in the mirror. “Worth it.” 

“Yeah,” he agreed. “Worth it.” 

When you got in bed, the two of you ditched the pretense of distance that you’d started with the night before. You lay close but not touching, close enough that he could feel the warmth of you under the blankets. 

“So,” you said, yawning. “How was your first concert with Sarah?” 

“Anything that makes that kid that happy is great in my book,” he smiled a little, his eyes tracing the dark outline of you silhouetted in the dim city light that filtered around the curtains. “Seriously… thank you. I couldn’t have done this without you.” 

“Thanks for letting me be a part of it,” Joel could hear your groggy smile on your voice. “And I had a few Christmases to make up for missing.” 

He laughed lightly. 

“I missed you, Joel,” you said, sounding so tired he wasn’t sure that you knew you said it. 

He was quiet for a moment. 

“Missed you too, Goldie. So much.” 

You hummed in response before your breaths shifted to the quiet, easy cadence of sleep and Joel drifted off, letting himself savor the closeness of you. 

That indulgence, he thought at first, was what sparked the dream. 

You were in a hotel room with him in his head, too, but it was different. It was just the two of you and it wasn’t because you had to be. No, you were there for each other. 

Joel took his time with you then. He undressed you slowly, his lips trailing over your neck and shoulder as he slid the straps of your bra down your arms. He kissed you the way he wanted to at the concert, holding you to him as his tongue dipped into your mouth and he could smell your shampoo and feel the silk of your skin below his fingers and his cock was painfully swollen. His kiss grew more desperate, desire shifting to necessity. He was drawn hot and tight inside his skin and wanting you was a distant memory now because he was far beyond that. He needed you. 

He rutted against the soft warmth beside him, seeking some kind of relief, your body relaxed and pliant against him, your breath hot on his skin and it was the little whimper you made that woke him up. 

It was still early, the light coming in from around the edges of the curtains not bright enough for it to be the light of day yet but that didn’t seem to matter, he could see things just fine. You were close and tight against him, his aching cock pressed to your stomach, the root of him against your clit, your pussy so hot he could feel it through your pajamas and his own. Your leg was hitched over his hip and you rocked your hips against his length and your head was tucked below his. He could smell your shampoo and feel the heat of your breath on his neck. He froze against you and you gave a soft, strangled moan. 

“Goldie,” he whispered, only then realizing that he was panting for breath. “Think… I think you’re dreamin’, should wake up…” 

You didn’t respond. You just moaned, high pitched and needy, and worked your core against his length and Joel worried that he was going to come then and there. 

“Goldie,” he said again. HIs voice sounded strangled, like he was choking on the words. “Gotta wake up baby, can’t…” 

Your leg tightened on him and your hand found its way to the back of his neck, playing in his curls as you ground yourself against his cock and he thought he might burst if he didn’t find some kind of relief soon and… was it really wrong if you started it? If you were practically fucking him in your sleep, was it so bad to give in to what you wanted? 

His resolve weakened, falling into nothing in a matter of seconds. His hands spread over you, one between your shoulder blades, the other cupping the lush globe of your ass and he pressed closer to you, grinding against your hot slit that you kept pressing against him like you wanted him the way he wanted you. 

Joel’s hand traveled down your ass and over your thigh, the feeling of your skin below his fingers almost too much when taken with everything else you were offering and fuck he wanted to feel you come. He wanted to bury himself deep inside of you and feel you get lost in your pleasure while wrapped around him. He resisted the urge to at least slip a finger into those wet panties - he knew they’d be wet, knew you’d be fucking dripping - because that, for some reason, was a bridge too far. You hadn’t started that. You had started this. 

“Goldie,” he managed again, forgetting all pretense and just fucking his cock against you now. “Need you to wake up…” 

You buried your face in his neck and moaned, the motion of your hips picking up for a moment before you pulled your face back from him, eyes open wide and glassy with want and shock. He froze, his hands still on you and his cock still pressed against your core. 

“Joel,” you breathed, eyes searching his. “What are we…” 

“Want me to stop touchin’ you?” He asked, praying you wouldn’t say yes. 

“No,” you whispered. “I… I want…I need… but we… we can’t…” 

His heart cracked open at that but he shoved it aside. He could deal with the pain of that later. 

“Don’t gotta be anymore than this,” he said quietly. “It’s OK baby, promise. It doesn’t need to mean anything, it’s OK…” 

You just nodded quickly and buried your face in his neck again, clutching him close so every line of you was tight to his body, your hips working in earnest against his cock. He moaned at the feel of it, needing to press his mouth into the crown of your head to muffle the sound. He rutted himself against you, his leaking cock making such a mess of his goddamn underwear that it almost felt like he was inside you, the slick of his precome and the heat of your pussy intoxicating. 

The two of you rocked against each other like teenagers in heat, terrified of what that next step would mean but too desperate to stop yourselves now. Joel was getting dangerously close to spilling into his pants and was trying to stave off his orgasm, needing to come with you, when you spoke - voice small and hot and needy - from your place tucked against his skin. 

“I’m gonna come, Joel,” you panted so quietly, like your pleasure was a secret. ���I’m gonna come, I’m gonna come, fuck, I’m gonna come, I…” 

“It’s OK,” he said, holding you a little closer, a little tighter, working his cock against you a little harder. “Just come, it’s OK, I’ve got you, it’s OK, just come for me baby, just come.” 

You rutted yourself against him once, twice more before your body seized up and he could feel the throbbing of your pussy against his cock even through the layers of clothing. He closed his eyes and thrust up, letting himself imagine that he was deep inside you and coming there, his orgasm hitting him so hard it made his head spin. 

Your body went limp in his hold after as the two of you panted for breath, limbs tangled around each other. He just held you, tight enough to feel close but loose enough that you could pull away when you needed, until you leaned back from him. Your eyes were still wide but more in shock, now, than want. 

“Joel,” you whispered. “What did we do?” 

He could hear the panic edging into your voice. 

“What did we just do?” Your breaths were coming in fearful little pants now and he ignored the pain in his chest as he brushed your hair back soothingly. 

“S’OK,” he said softly. “It… it doesn’t have to mean anything, it’s OK. Just… shit happened, it wasn’t anything crazy, it’s OK. It don’t have to be anything it’s not, it’s OK.” 

There was a look in your eyes he couldn’t quite place but then you nodded. 

“You OK?” Joel asked after a moment. 

You held his gaze for a second before you nodded once. 

“Yeah,” you said. “It’s OK.” 

His alarm went off and he scrambled to turn it off, praying that, this time, it really would be OK. 

Next Chapter

A/N: I'm going to keep building that tension because I love to torture them apparently.

Don't ask me what my problem is. If I knew, I'd tell you.

Thank you so much for reading about these two idiots! I love them so much. Even if they're idiots.

[doubleca5t]

Watched the super bowl for the first time because I am unfortunately a taylor swift lesbian (not a gaylor) and jesus christ I'm not sure anything happened for the first 3 or so hours but I got so stressed out when I thought the Chiefs were gonna lose. I think I get sports now. Also American Football is a bad game.

God you Swifties are going to be so spoiled if Taylor stays with Travis long term. You started following football five months ago and your team won the super bowl on your first goddamn season. You've all slipped and fallen into bandwagoning for a dynasty and it's going to make you all the most insufferable fanbase in football, and keep in mind this includes both Boston and Philadelphia sports fans so that is a VERY high bar to clear.

You have yet to learn that the core experience of being a football fan is the agonizing pain of watching your team lose a crucial game by snatching defeat from the jaws of victory right before your eyes. I don't see Mahomes' bullshit slowing down any time soon so after Taylor and Travis break up I think she should have to date Josh Allen for a few years just to even things out a bit. There must be some degree of justice in this cruel, unforgiving world.

[shitswiftiessay]

I do not buy for one second that taylor HAS to fly private jets everywhere because it’s “unsafe” for her at an airport. post-9/11 airports are some of the most security-monitored places on the goddamn planet. it’s not like she’d be walking into a fucking mosh pit. and she’d have her massive security entourage with her. she’s far safer at an airport than she is at those fucking football games. she’s taking all these non-essential trips back and forth to see her dumb boyfriend, to be at beyoncé’s movie premiere in london for 30 seconds, etc.

all these other celebrities can fly commercial first class but taylor can’t? the fucking royal family goes flying in commercial jets. ntm a lot of those indents of taylor being “crowded” in public are probably due to taylor calling the paparazzi on herself (if it’s from backgrid that means the paps were called). and she looked happy as fuck to see the crowd that surrounded her at jack’s wedding, like she was at a surprise party (except she wasn’t really surprised). she can do pap walks with her squad on the streets of new york city (a very crime ridden city btw) but she can’t go to an airport? i call bullshit.

just admit that your fave is a selfish billionaire who cares more about her own convenience than she does about the environment. i am so fucking tired of swifties defending her MORE than excessive jet pollution and making these pathetic excuses.

[internet-girl-friend]

Do You Believe In Masochism?

12:45pm

In November 2023 I flew down to Los Angeles to meet an internet friend irl for the first time. The plan was that he'd pick me up from the airport and we'd drive directly to Pioneertown together.

"Hey so can I borrow your phone to let my family know I arrived?" "You got into a stranger's car and drove out to the desert with no service?"

I did. But my trust wasn't misplaced, and anyway, how else was I going to see the elusive, cult pop sensation Sky Ferreira?

She played Pappy and Harriet's and came on an hour late in a cloud of weed smoke, and the show was perfect... despite that and the fact that a veggie burger I'd had at the venue before made me throw up during her set.

While nothing could ever really compare to seeing her with my long-distance friend in a small desert dive, tonight I will see her again and I won't have to listen to I Blame Myself from my knees in a bathroom stall (at least not because I'm sick).

1:44am

I just got home and my ratio of Food I've Eaten to Beers I've Had is not in favour of me waking up feeling ready to move on Saturday (the Uhaul is booked).

We all met at Fringe Café right across from the venue -- me, Braydon, Grace, Brandon, and Allison. I had a hot dog served in a Bahn Mi bun and it gave me fear that I might meet the same fate as I did during I Blame Myself (it didn't).

People were lined up at 6:00pm, all of them no older than 19. I laughed to Allison "she's going to be late, they don't need to be waiting." Doors were at 7.

We arrived in the venue around 8 hoping to catch the opening act; once again, too early. The opener simply did not exist and we waited until 9:45 for her to get on stage, paying $8 for a goddamn PBR.

Before she came on, I heard two girls in the bathroom say "my 12 year old self is quaking," and another girl one-upped by saying that her 11 year old self was quaking. I was quaking as I was and I felt as though I might not be changing as much as I should be, and if I have been, I might be changing so much I was comin' back around.

I don't want all of these posts to seem as though I am complaining about being old when in reality I am quite young, but it just seems like being 20 is in trend right now or something. I don't think that I am caring for my inner child by liking music for over a decade; I think it is just good music.

Last time I saw Sky she played an encore -- Red Lips. This time she did not no matter how badly we begged. Both times she seemed decidedly shy. She wore huge sun glasses and a reflective jacket probably meant to keep people like me from getting the shots they wanted -- fair. Her vocals get better and better; she hit every note and has adapted the melodies so beautifully since she released Night Time My Time in 2013. I imagine that for me, seeing Sky is what Swifties feel like. She is such a significant part of my music and identity development and NTMT is an album I simply have not and will not outgrow.

I danced the entire time -- too enthusiastically to really see what the crowd was all about but I could sense from the space that I had to dance that the show wasn't close to sold out. They actually downsized the venue. It was supposed to be at Vogue which has about a 1200 person cap to Hollywood which has about a 700 person cap. To me, this is insane. Seeing her live is like seeing an ethereal cryptid.

I always want her to play the Ghost EP but it's wishful thinking in the same way that truly believing Masochism will ever actually come out is. Brandon and I joked that if we spent the $80 she was asking on her long sleeve that one day it will sell for $2000, which won't matter because we didn't buy it anyway, and if we did, we'd never part with it. Masochism was slated to come out this year. She's got three months and I am waited with bated breath. I fear I might suffocate.

COST OF THE NIGHT:

We got guest list for the show so it was free.

Food & beer: $15.00

Beer x 2 @ venue: $17.00

Beer @ tertiary venue which I didn't even write about: $9.00

Money sent to me by a Mystery Man <3: +$10.00

Total spent: $31.00

I will tell you right now, I cannot afford to be doing any of this, but I sure am having fun.

Must pack. Until next time (Saturday when I have another show).

[allyricas]

Just a little note: I fully support anyone's right to dislike Taylor Swift or feel that her music just does not resonate with them. I even am down to read engaging criticism of her work if its not done with malicious intent. I am by no means a swiftie who puts her on pedestal. But let's be so clear: I am unfollowing for bullying, mean posts that are hateful and nasty for the sole reason of hating her. People making fun of lyrics that are being taking out of context and saying she is a terrible lyricist because of tongue in cheek, humorous lines in songs when the entire album is filled with beautiful, devastating raw fucking poetry. And all you can scrounge up is a few examples of "bad" or "silly" lyrics.

Taylor Swift is held to this absolutely unreasonable standard compared to other artists. As if she has to write Emily Dickinson level poetry in lyrics for every single line in every song or somehow she's now "bad" and that is fucking wild! If I sat here wrote out every lovely, brutal, gorgeous line in these two albums, I'd have to write a goddamn thesis. But by all means, be ~special and different~ because you aren't one of those silly, delusional swifties. It's giving pick me behavior, it's giving "I'm not like those other girls".

[stilesssolo]

Okay.. let’s hear it! Initial thoughts of the new album!

Ugh sorry for the delay on this. I listened to the (first) album when it dropped at midnight, finished it and saw her say “double album, 15 more songs!!” went “that’s nice. I’m going to bed” fully intending to spend most of today listening and relistening to fully take it in, but then there was a crisis at work and I suddenly had a shitton to do in a very little amount of time which was not a conducive environment to fully digest these *very* dense songs. I still haven’t sat down and done nothing but listen to half the songs on the anthology, so. I am never more jealous of west coast time zoners than during new music drops. 😂

I immediately logged off the internet when I heard it had leaked Wednesday so I truly went into this blind. My initial thoughts are… well… okay! I don’t dislike it. But I don’t love it, you know? The songs are very dense but I still don’t think it’s her best writing (and I’m a Bruce Springsteen girlie; I love a cryptic lyrically dense album). There are a whole bunch of songs that I really enjoy and some REALLY good lyrics. But I remember hearing Cardigan or YOYOK for the first time and how that felt and I just don’t get that on anything here. I also cannot acknowledge the implications of how many goddamn songs are about Matty Healy and how in love with him she was without risking a mental breakdown!!! The idea that CARDIGAN was written about him… I cannot do this… take me back to when we thought The 1 was for sure about Harry Styles. I was present for the Gillette rain show “I’m the happiest I’ve ever been” psychotic break and I STILL was not prepared for the amount of psycho behavior on this album regarding the rat man!!!!

I think I have two main problems with this album. 1: it is too goddamn long. I am not one to complain about getting more content but I feel like a lot of these songs are just saying the same thing and not doing it in a way unique enough to justify having both of them. Like I think we could have EASILY trimmed a lot of fat and gotten these both into one 20-ish track album that would have read better. I feel like a lot of this has to do with the social media culture now of more, more, more, always racing towards the next thing— like how a day after we got 1989 TV the swifties were clamoring for rep TV. Like we just got 5 new songs!!! Slow down!!! I would have preferred quality over quantity lol and this album very much felt like quantity, quantity, quantity.

And then 2: I miss when she used to really push herself to try different things and to get better at her craft. Not that I want her to be attacked and get backlash, but her insane levels of fame have made her so untouchable that no one can say anything remotely constructive without being crucified and I feel like it eliminates some of the drive she has to push herself to be better and write better (hello Speak Now and Red!!!). I saw Rolling Stone gave this album a perfect 100 score like???? Hello???? The album is not bad, but to grade it as perfection compared to others? Over Red? Over Folklore? Over 1989??? Let’s be real. And I feel like this album has a lot of “well it’s good enough” moments where I’m like… but is it good enough? Could we have worked to make this better? I feel like she needs new collaborators too. She does great work with Jack and Aaron but I feel like they know each other too well and it’s getting to the point where they’re not editing or pushing her as much as they should be. A lot of the songwriting here just felt complacent. Get Liz Rose back in the room I am begging!!!!!

Now that I’ve typed all that out I feel like I am being increasingly harsh, but idk. It’s a fine album. There are some songs I enjoy and I’m sure it’s gonna grow on me more as I listen and really digest, but it doesn’t really have any super stand out moments to me right now. I saw a tweet saying this album is not to top the charts, not to draw in new fans, this is for the swifties who know and care about Taylor’s lore and want to listen and know what was going on during this period of her life, and she just needed to get it out there and say it so she can move on. And I do enjoy the lore, don’t get me wrong, but I kinda hope that’s the case and the next album is a clean slate, because… other than the lore, there’s nothing really new or interesting here, sonically, lyrically, etc. I really hope her next album she takes a big risk and does something different. I also feel like she needs a BREAK. Like I don’t want any new music for the entire year of 2025. Go recharge and take a break and come back to us with your best work, queen. I feel like the rerecords and the constant churning out of new music and content is just watering down her undeniable talent.

I wanted to like this a lot more than I did, but you know. C’est la vie. I never was a big poetry girlie anyways, and I’ve seen some people say they love the album (and to them I say I’m happy for you I clap I cheer and i’m gonna let you rock!!) but for me… idk. We’ll see how I feel in a week. But throughout the day today I kept feeling the temptation to put Chappell Roan back on, so… I think that sort of sums up my initial feelings on the whole thing. 😂

[mostlyvent]

I don't know if you'll see this sorry I just want to rant about those stupid swifties

Like I am so goddamn tired , there's a psychologist who comes on my feed and she's a swiftie and she's so fricking stupid and I really don't understand how she became a psychologist, she's so biased and calls herself a feminist when she only supports privileged women and she herself being privileged makes a mountain out of a molehill out of everything, calls people who don't like TS a misogynist 🤡 typical swiftie behaviour and like these people make tswift their entire personality, they are so out of touch , oh my God!!

They advocate for the environment but never ever blame Taylor , when asked why does she still support her , they make sarcastic replies and think they're so smart 😒

And also let's not forget the misandry these people just exude sometimes, so goddamn biased instead of caring about supporting actual oppressed women they will support a billionaire and a climate terrorist and they say that tswift and her fans are just victims because everyone makes fun of them and just how sad that is and how misogynistic other people who dont like her and her fans are.

Goes on to show no matter how much you study, the brainrot will never stop and the basic ability to even tell right from wrong will vanish , coming from a psychologist it's even more distasteful as psychologists aren't allowed to be biased.

It's just so sad , I just can't understand how can people support a climate terrorist at all , this year is gonna be one of the hottest ones because of El Nino and a lot of people and also a lot of animals are gonna suffer , we need to hold Taylor Swift and other billionaires accountable for their climate crimes.

What sort of earth are we gonna leave for the future generations ?

Her fans are so blinded by her that even the few smart ones fail to notice how she's exploiting them and how fake she is. I hate her for her personality. But these days as I learn more about how fucked up earth has become and how much people are struggling to just live, the more I hate her.

Her fans would be like, but there are loads of other people who destroy earth more than her. I don't get how that excuses her fucking up the world WE live in. Thinking about how billionaires are making the world suffer fills me with rage.

I wish we could see her pay for her actions but most times people like her get away with it.

[livvyofthelake]

shadowhunter chronicles characters and whether i think they would be swifties, a post: (obviously i am excluding all characters who are from the past and died before taylor swift even existed because frankly i don't care to debate whether mattew fairchild would be a swiftie. he's dead <3 peace and love)

clary- not at all. she listens to freak weirdo music. also she stopped keeping tabs on pop culture in 2008 so what would she even know about taylor swift unless one of her shadowhunter friends makes her listen to her. i think it's possible that in like 2014 she heard a 1989 song and loved it but didn't find out it was taylor swift until 6 months later when simon had to inform her

simon- again, weirdo freak music. he'd be the guy who only starts liking her because of folklore but unfortunately cassanda's timeline only goes to like, 2013 rn and will only go to 2015 for twp so. we'll never see that. i think he has nothing against her music because he is a Music Appreciator but he is probably a huge asshole about her as a person becuase he has a haters soul <3

jace- well i don't think jace listens to modern music <3 however i think in his post 2008 life he has more appreciation for human world art and he would eventually come across a vinyl of red or something (he's totally the type of annoying to have a record player do not dispute me on this) and i think from there he would like her, this is how clary is introduced to her music btw

alec- i literally don't think alec listens to music. other people listen to music around him, and he does NOT have a haters soul so he is NOT an asshole about any of said music.

izzy- yeah <3 and i think her and simon have had fights about it <3 it's not that deep to her though she only fights with him about taylor swift for fun and then they have crazy sex

magnus- well yeah. of course. he would love how swifties behave like a cult he would think that's soooo funny... he would love the glamour he would love her showmanship he would go to all her tours and have the time of his life. duh.

emma- yeah why not... she's a girls girl and she has an obsession with being just like jace. she is listening to taylor swift...

jules- he is listening to taylor swift with his beautiful girlfriend...

dru- dru is crucially a weirdo freak emo girl, i just know that when she puts on music it is an assult on the ears and no one likes it and ty wants to kill her about it. and also at the same time emma is functionally her big sister she looks up to and therefore she must appreciate taylor on emma's behalf

cristina- no because she's not american she doesn't have to give a shit about taylor swift

mark- if you asked mark blackthorn what his favorite song was he'd say some bullshit like "the sound of the river flowing at sunrise when the birds are chirping" so. like yeah he'd mostly be saying that just to fuck with you but goddamn that is annoying. anyway

helen- she's a gaylor. to ME

aline- the wife of a gaylor. but she thinks shake it off is the most annoying fucking song she has ever heard in her life <3

livvy- much like dru, she has to defer to emma with this, so yes she likes taylor swift, however i know in my heart of hearts that livvy is a pop music girlie and the fact that taylor was mostly country pre-livvy dying would piss her off soooo bad. she'd have to find put about 1989 from kit it would be a whole thing she'd make ty play it for her because she's a ghost who only has two friends it's terrible...

ty- it's complex. no. but also yes. but also crucially no. but yes. don't worry about it.

tessa- tessa would love ipods i know she does... girl from the victorian era living to the invention of the ipod touch.... dude. do i think she's listening to taylor on her ipod? maybe a little. but i think magnus probably made her a playlist of all the greatest songs from the last several decades that she missed while in the spiral labyrinth and she is just trying to catch up in her free time... obviously all too well is on that playlist though.

jem- man i just think he's thrilled to be alive. i think that guy likes everything, especially if tessa likes it. guy who is constantly overcome with the beauty of life fr

kit- i think he would make fun of jace for liking red so much and then he'd go home and listen to it and cry. he pretends to have the haters soul for clout but he doesn't and he never will and it makes him look fucking pathetic <3

[pardonmydelays]

If I met Lin-Man, I’d be a combination of overwhelmed, star-struck, happy, excited, and shocked. My emotions would be all over the place. I would most definitely hug him so fucking tight while crying and probably word-vomit the most random shit, lol. I’d be very incomprehensible. 🥺🥹😭🥰 Maybe ask to take a picture with him. On the topic of meeting/seeing a celebrity, I feel I wouldn’t be star-struck so easily to be honest; like, it would have to be someone I, personally, really genuinely love and admire and respect. And Lin-Manuel Miranda is one of them.

(Highly irrelevant to him and your blog, but my reaction to meeting him would be the same if I met Idina Menzel (I feel the exact same way about her as I feel about him). Maybe (maybe) Hugh Jackman too.)

this 😭 like i already know it would be a disaster, because it's lin, for fuck's sake, i am losing my goddamn mind when i see him on my phone, let alone in real life hahaha. i'd also ask for a picture! & probably change my pfp on every social media app to this one, just saying.

i know what you mean by that, i think i would behave abnormally around every celebrity tho (two months ago my bestie & i had the opportunity to take a picture with one polish actor that i'm not even a huge fan of & still i was so awkward i don't even want to think about it, so I KNOW FOR SURE).

bestie, it's always relevant to my blog if it's something my mutuals want to share with me 🫡 it would be cool to meet idina as well! for me it's also taylor swift, but i've become very critical of her lately (i still love her music, don't come at me swifties), so at this moment i think i can say lin is first on my list.

[taylortruther]

Angry woc anon here, lol. I totally agree with you, what a lovely response. And thanks for absorbing my rant, lol -- I'm so pissy about this and have so few outlets. And uh, here comes another one? It really is so hard in fandoms. B/c like, just as you said, we're all here to discuss her, so ofc we're going to talk about things like who she's dating. And yeah, she's a public figure, and like ... public figures affect the political landscape. And that can be fuzzy. But I feel like ... as you said, there are people treating this like actual activism. And I have some sympathy for that, especially for younger fans -- this is the only sphere they really have a voice. But I think something that is really true about female-dominated fandoms is 1. we're eager to tear ourselves/the women we love apart b/c there's a built in cookie/jolt of self-esteem/whatever for the girl who shits on other girls, and 2. we police the shit out of our fandom, out of all proportion to real-world issues, b/c we know, on some level, how huge those issues are, and are terrified by them, and our attendant helplessness. Standing up to actual men is terrifying and subjects you to vicious, insane cruelty. And we're dealing w/ this shit irl every day of our lives. So we freak the fuck out at Taylor like she's suddenly got an Aryan Nation tattoo and not, yknow, getting some sleazy-but-worshipful rebound dick after a tough breakup. Because it feels like doing something, when actually doing something is so, so, so much harder, especially for women. Tbh I feel like Azaleia Banks in the only person with the right take rn -- like, girl, you can do better! You deserve better! But also, goddamn, this breakup is devastating, she's on a completely unprecedented tour, she's living under insane scrutiny every damn day, she's a once-in-a-generation genius, and because she's a woman, she also needs to be very hot and in high heels as she does it. And she's 33. She knows it only gets harder from here. So, like ... I get it. Joe checked out, and MH, for his faults, clearly KNOWS she's spectacular. I get it. It's not great, but shit, I get it, and I'm going to give her grace. Like we do for men, even when they do actually objectionable shit. The truth is, which I think a lot of "THIS IS ACTIVISM!" Swifties don't want to face, is that Taylor dating MH effectively doesn't fucking matter. No one is looking at this and saying "Gee, I'm going to join the alt-right because Taylor Swift is soothing herself with a sleazy indie dude!" Even just in terms of "what is this normalizing" ... as a social worker who has had to reckon w/ that question in a variety of contexts, it's patently absurd to freak out over this and not, like, the thousands of songs on the radio every day that treat women of color like animals. Or how about the ones that glorify beating them and treating them like shit? Or like, the thousands of online spaces that explicitly tell men that Jews are the reason they're stuck in a dead-end job? I know a lot of people think this is whataboutism, but there is a material difference no one who actually does this work can ignore between these things. There are orders of magnitude that matter here, and ignoring them is putting one's own petty, privileged bs before actual, active suffering. The truth is, the vast, vast majority of people who like Taylor don't know who MH is and never will. They hear there's some "drama" and shrug. And the other truth is, this has blown up because we looooove getting together to rake a woman over the coals. I know that BECAUSE I'm a woman of color with a background that spans multiple countries. No matter where I am, I can depend on one fact: People love hating women. This just isn't that fucking different.

i'm not lying when i say reading this ask made me really emotional because not only do i feel like you understand the depth of my feelings on this topic (the misogyny and racism, but also the way the fandom is handling it), but you've also articulated feelings i didn't know i had. i'm really grateful that you took the time to express this and share it with me because, truthfully, i feel less alone in my perspective. and i know we've been saying "it's not that deep," but like. it's not, but it is.

that last part probably didn't make sense. but i just want to call out a few things in your ask that really stood out to me and i want to emphasize:

But I feel like ... as you said, there are people treating this like actual activism. And I have some sympathy for that, especially for younger fans -- this is the only sphere they really have a voice.

2. we police the shit out of our fandom, out of all proportion to real-world issues, b/c we know, on some level, how huge those issues are, and are terrified by them, and our attendant helplessness. [...] Because it feels like doing something, when actually doing something is so, so, so much harder, especially for women.

There are orders of magnitude that matter here, and ignoring them is putting one's own petty, privileged bs before actual, active suffering.

No matter where I am, I can depend on one fact: People love hating women.

[screaminlonglive]

Karma is an Album

In defense of evidence of Taylor Swift’s lost album 

Alright, Swifties. It is time for a master post. There is too much evidence to support the theory of the lost album Karma, and it is time to put it all together in one place. I have done everything in my power to include any small indication of the existence of Karma, but please feel free to dm / comment with evidence not included in this post, and I will update as needed. I am going to create this document in as close to a chronological timeline as humanly possible. Strap in. 

If you can watch the Miss Americana documentary, I highly recommend that you do so and listen very carefully to Taylor Swift when she addresses the timeline surrounding this possible experience. I also will reference and recommend that you watch the long pond studio sessions. Understanding the timeline from Taylor’s perspective and hearing the way she addresses the timeline really helps put you into her shoes and understand what she could have been experiencing and what she may have gone through that may have caused her to scratch an entire album. What is Karma? For many years, Taylor Swift fans have speculated that Karma is the name (or even code name of - consider that she revealed she uses code names like with the woodvale chaos) the album that Taylor Swift was set to release in 2016. Fans theorize that Karma was shelved following the Kanye drama and Taylor Swift disappeared from the public eye for nearly a year  in November of 2016 instead of releasing her sixth studio album. Taylor “rose up from the dead” in August of 2017 to release the lead single from her album, “Look What You Made Me Do.” As much as it pains me to detail this drama, let’s recap 2016, as this is truly where the foundation of where our story begins. First, let’s talk about the Kimye drama. Unfortunately this is critical to how the Karma story plays out, so let’s take a quick review. During the VMA awards in 2009, a 19 year old Taylor Swift was accepting her moon man for Best Video of the Year. 32-year old Kanye West infamously got up on stage, took the microphone from Taylor, and said “I am really happy for you and I’m gonna let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time.” They are seen together in 2015 at the Grammys, but we won’t go too deep into the Kanye/Taylor timeline. Let’s flash-forward to February of 2016, where Taylor Swift and Kanye have seemingly mended fences to a certain extent. Kanye debuts his song “Famous,” which has the lyric “I still feel like me and Taylor might have sex. Why? I made that bitch famous (goddamn).” Facing backlash from twitter,Kanye reveals that he got permission from Taylor.  (we later learn in a statement that Taylor’s publicist Tree Paine put out that they spoke in January of 2016.) Although Taylor herself does not explicitly address the lyric, her friends come to her defense. Her younger brother Auston posts his “spring cleaning” video, trashing Kanye merch. Taylor makes history as the first woman to win AOTY twice at the grammys for 1989, and seemingly addresses how she feels about the Kanye drama in her speech. She says “"[A]s the first woman to win album of the year at the Grammys twice," Swift said, "I want to say to all the young women out there, there are going to be people along the way who will try to undercut your success or take credit for your accomplishments or your fame." She continued, "If you just focus on the work, and you don't let those people sidetrack you, someday when you get where you're going, you'll look around and you will know that it was you and the people who love you who put you there, and that will be the greatest feeling in the world. Thank you for this moment." Although we do not see much public drama, we can assume there was some going on behind closed doors over the next few months. Things get messy again publicly in June/July 2016. Kim Kardashin interviews with GQ and support’s Kanye's claim that he called and got Taylor’s approval for the song. Tree Paine releases a statement denying the claims, and Kanye drops the music video in late June and Kanye also appears on SNL and is recorded backstage calling Taylor “fake.”  Controversy was re-ignited by the audio clips from the 2009 VMA incident included on the video as well as most memorably, the nude wax figure of Taylor Swift Kanye is seen in bed with. Kim discusses the making of the video and the ongoing controversy in the July 17 episode of KUWTK, which is the date we reach the absolute peak of this drama. Kim also releases footage of the Taylor/Kanye phone call to her snapchat account in what’s known as “snapchatgate.” This footage is clipped, and paints Taylor out to be a liar. Kim throws more fuel on the fire with her famous “national snake day” tweet the following day, and followers flood Taylor swift with snake emojis. Taylor finally publicly explicitly address the Kanye drama with her instagram post that concludes “"I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative, one that I have never asked to be a part of, since 2009” #KimExposedTaylorParty begins to trend on twitter, followed by #TaylorSwiftisoverparty. Kanye denies that he was trying to “take down taylor” in his 2016 VMAs speech. 

So what is Taylor up to during this time? 

It is important to note that up until the 2016 drama with Kimye, Taylor Swift released new albums every 2 years like clockwork: Debut- Oct 24, 2006 (last thursday in october) 

Fearless- Nov 11, 2008 (second tuesday in november) 

Speak Now -Oct 25, 2010  (last monday in october) 

Red - Oct 22, 2012(last monday in october) 

1989 -  Oct 27, 2014 (last monday in october) It is kind of interesting that with the exception of Fearless, they are all even released during the last week of October - numerically within 5 days of one another.  Her last three albums were released EXACTLY two years apart if you consider that all three albums were released on the last monday of october. I also want to point out that although Friday releases are standard, Taylor Swift has released many singles on this date, she did not adhere to this “standard” when releasing her albums. 

Taylor likes to debut a change in hair / look and this had come to signify the start of a new era in Taylor’s career. For example, she let vogue cut her bangs for the first time going into the red era and she had her hair cut at the end of red tour to signify going into 1989. 

The 1989 tour ended 12 December 2015, the day before Taylor’s 26th birthday. The Grammy’s was a couple of months later, and spring of 2016 became known as the “Bleachella” era - Taylor  went to coachella for the first time with her extremely bleach blonde hair - Vogue wanted to debut her as a “Rock ‘n Roll Chick” for the May issue (6 months pre-expected karma drop date). This is also the same cover that she does the 73 questions interview where she says “Karma is real.” 

During this time, Taylor also wrote ‘This Is What You Came For’ under pseudonym for then-bf Calvin Harris (we will discuss this later in rep era). 

Taylor performs only once this year and it is known as “The” 2016 concert for this reason. She performs a “greatest hits” concert for Formula 1. 

Taylor also was a co-chair for the 2016 Met Gala where she met Joe Alwyn this year. We can discuss Tom Hiddleston as well, but let’s just thank him for inspiring Getaway Car and move on with the timeline. Thanks, Tom. And of course after meeting earlier in the year, Taylor and Joe began to date while Taylor was in hiding. Following her timeline from the Lover Diaries, she writes that they had been dating for three months as of Jan 3, 2017. It is interesting to note that other than this entry and the entry that she made in 2016 stating that “this summer is the apocalypse,” the lover diaries are devoid of any entries after 2015. She makes no mention on the process or lyrics of reputation or lover in the way she gave us insight into other eras of her life. It could have been “too close.” at the time, but since we are going to be thorough, I felt that it was worth noting when I searched for clues in the diaries I found nothing notable other than the lack of any content from this time period. Consider the dichotomy of the experiences that Taylor was undergoing in 2016. She was simultaneously on top the world for this incredible achievement for not only a second AOTY grammy win, but in another genre. But if you listen to her describe this time in the Miss Americana Doc, you realize how incredibly alone she feels at the time. We also know  that Taylor basically spent the entire year constantly biting her tongue while kimye continued to take public shots over and over again throughout the year. 

Taylor has always written songs - she may have taken a short break but this could have been more of an issue with her record label not letting her release the kind of music that she wanted to. This was going to be the last album that she recorded with this record label and she had to be extremely **”calculated”** in her decisions surrounding TS6.Taylor was much older and wiser than when she first signed the BMR, and you cannot convince me she didn’t know what could happen to her masters. Taylor took surprise songs and RAN with them on the rep tour, and no one can ever convince me otherwise: Taylor knew that could be a sort of “bye for now,” because she had no idea what was at the end of her contract with BMR. Taylor left easter eggs about stolen masters in LWYMMD because that did not happen overnight. It may have been a wildest nightmare for Taylor, but she is smarter than to have been completely utterly shocked at how that situation played out. But let’s go back to 2016. 

Fans theorize that Karma is more of a punk / rock album and possibly was a little more aggressive and possibly angry than her previous work. She was in the business of reinvention. (Also if you haven’t seen the live “rock” version of Bad Blood,” please go do yourself a favor and watch that and then come back. We will wait.)  But with her reputation plummeting, it seemed increasingly obvious as the year progressed that it would have been a bad idea to put out an album with that kind of negative vibe at that time. This could have been her label’s decision, her decision, or a little of both.

We do know that she was very likely writing songs while she was on tour, as we know touring and being with her fans inspires her. Whether she made an entire album yet, we couldn’t say of course. But we know that Taylor never stops writing songs. It is one of her greatest outlets. To those who argue that Taylor told us “I don’t know what’s next” - are you really telling me that she was going through some of the most difficult parts of her life and not writing songs? Please. She was writing songs. You’ll note that Reputation did not have any deluxe tracks, and it is a very carefully selected, sonically cohesive 15 songs. No further explanation. Taylor created other music in this time, and no one would ever be able to convince me otherwise. 

Following the peak of the kimye drama, Taylor Swift disappears from the public eye entirely for nearly a year. She is also said to have begun recording reputation at this time as well (September 2016). Although we have considered that her Earth, Wind, and Fire cover may have referred to an anniversary with Joe, the “28th night of September,” could really represent any one of many “transition moments” happening in her life simultaneously. - possibly the moment she decided to shelve karma and create a concept album for reputation.  

Fast forward through the dark Taylor-less ages because as we know, the world moves on another day, another drama, drama. 

Taylor Swift’s social media accounts are all famously wiped clean and she starts the reputation era with a literal blank slate. She teases and releases the lead single, Look What You Made Me Do. Let's take this point to go over the (known) easter eggs for Karma in this video, followed by …Ready For It? And Delicate. There are so many easter eggs in reputation - she didn’t give public interviews during this era.  In her first interview for the lover era, she stated that she wanted to communicate with fans and she left SO MANY easter eggs in the reputation era. Particularly she notes that she likes to leave easter eggs on clothes. 

LWYMMD released 24 August 2017 (monday) 

-Digging up different iterations of herself - “digging up the grave another time.” 

-dead taylor dug herself out of her grave and then buried her other self. 

-Nils Sjöberg is pictured in the cemetery as well (anagram of ringless job?) -last video we saw was herein OOTW video - same dress 

-”the world moves on another day, another drama, drama. But not for me, not for me, all I think about is Karma.” -bird cage Taylor dress all in orange -> and sings “they once belonged to me” 

-Taylor is physically in the vault and then seen stepping out of it - a representation of her vault tracks being set loose with her re-recorded albums. 

-5 cats in the vault including taylor - blue, pink, red, yellow. We do not see them take their masks off, but they follow Taylor out of the vault unmasked. - the person in the Orange shirt last in line 

-vault within the vault in the background

-unchained handcuffs in scene where taylor hits pile of money with a baseball bat -no speak now Taylor in the tower 

-TS6 with a new Taylor - grounds the plane and it becomes “reputation” instead. 

-different Taylors at the end  

Delicate - Taylor isn't being seen

Orange columns in subway station graffiti with “Track 5”

Ready for it 

Spider boy - “I see how this is gon’ go”  - Scooter is the spider boy 

“Naked” taylor in glass closet resists change - chaining her at first but then empowers her 

-same imagery we see on the eras tour during the LWYMMD set -  with different Taylor’s in glass closets. When they break free to come after her, she is already rising above them all 

The Orange Vault Taylor becomes sort of the first “symbol” of orange as the color representing Karma. She releases two magazines, one of which is orange. Taylor also released an orange limited pressing of reputation on vinyl. Some fans theorize this is an easter egg and some think that it could have been “leftover” from the karma plans and something taylor “used up.” Since we spent all of that time talking about Kanye, I want to point out something I did not realize until I started the research for this post. I am not myself a Kanye fan, so when I saw the album cover for “Life of Pablo,” I audibly gasped. Not only does the print remind me of half of the reputation cover, the color is strikingly “karma”orange. 

Now that Taylor is back and in full force, let’s enter the lover era. Taylor makes her directorial debut with “The Man,” and we are first introduced to “The Man Wall.” in 13th street station. 

In the Lover music video, we were shown different rooms in different colors meant to represent different eras in Taylor’s career. The yellow Fearless room is upside down, much like Fearless is written backwards here. Although fans did not know what it meant at the time, many people concluded that this is how Taylor would signify where she would begin her re-recordings. She emphasized that “it’s a clock,” and at the time of this writing, the rerecords have been announced in this order: Fearless, Red, Speak Now.  If the announcements continue to follow the clock, Taylor would announce reputation, Taylor Swift (possibly?) and end with 1989. You’ll notice the other word written on the wall is the word “Karma,” once in blue and once in orange. Fans speculate that the blue Karma represents the single and the Orange at the midnight position represents the Album. Following the clock, the release schedule would go 199 -> Karma, as Taylor always intended. Note that the word “MISSING” appears atop the poster on the karma wall. Here’s where it gets even more interesting. karmaonthewall.com redirects to Taylor Swift’s website. You are greeted with a page that says “OOPS... LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING'S MISSING!” and the www. Becomes “https://www.taylorswift.com/aftermidnightsitstarts”   …. after midnights, it starts. Of course we know that she has an album called midnights. Track 11 of midnights is Karma - a sleepless night, or many sleepless nights. Some fans speculate that each thing she “lists” in the song” could correlate to a song on her lost album of the same name. There’s yet another theory that says these lists refer to other artists under scooter’s control.  It is interesting to point out that Karma is Track 11 and if she released Karma after Midnights, it would be the 11th album. When Taylor announced the track for Karma in MMWM, she broke her “usual release cycle” of videos - much like she broke her usual release cycle of the album in the first place. The “Larger Than Life” Taylor that appears in the antihero music video and in the eras tour is wearing the same outfit she wore in the MMWM announcement video for karma. This could represent many things, but I think it could nod to something “bigger” than just a song called karma. This is also a truly vintage 70’s  shirt that she is wearing, not a modern iteration of an older fashion. The spotify canvas for the song Karma is arguably orange. Blake Lively made an instagram post that mirrors “The Man Wall” with an orange background. Let’s talk about the Eras tour a little. I don’t know exactly how to describe how it felt to watch the moments leading up to the opening, but I felt a wave of immeasurable emotion at her song choices in the leading moments. When I first heard Lady Gaga’s Applause I was immediately a little sad. I thought about how Taylor was pop culture so much that pop culture became her and of course “I live for the applause,” brought up echoes of Taylor in Miss Americana talking about how all she lived for was approval. I am not gonna lie, I almost cried, and not because Taylor was coming soon. And then the countdown clock started and You Don’t Own Me came on and I felt yet another crashing wave of emotion at this choice as well. I should stop here and note that people have had many different reports on when the countdown clock starts. I have caught very few live streams in time, but I have seen 02:23 a few times and this could mean a lot of things - even representing the year she is doing this tour. I saw a fan online theorize that 02:29 could represent the leap year upcoming in 2024, but I haven’t seen a 02:29 countdown. I don’t know what it means, but I did think it was worth mentioning. Taylor would do something as completely unhinged as plan to release a skipped album on a leap day, so do not put it past her. Although, I don’t think that’s a clown car I ride in, don’t forget the “it still feels like March '' written on an orange sticky note from her spotify advertisement during the pandemic - could that be a clue? The extra day in February could refer to something that “feels like March.” Back to eras tour. It’s important to note that Taylor concludes the tour with the song Karma and walks through an orange door at the very end of the show. Much in the way that Taylor dives into her midnights era on the tour, she also walks into her karma area just after the midnights era ends. 

Let’s talk about the green folklore outfit. It’s a custom Alprerta Ferelti - the original is orange. She debuted this as well as her orange 1989 outfit at her first show on the 13th. She also performed Speak Now this night, which would soon be announced as her next re-record. I think it's safe to say Taylor is signaling with the color changes of her costume changes, and equally safe to say that no one has yet deciphered the pattern yet. I still think this is worth nothing, as Orange has become a symbol for Karma. We also need to discuss Rebekah Harkness. Yes, that one. Her third husband nicknamed her Karma. Taylor said she wanted to write the Rebekah Harkness story for a long time on long pond, and this could be a call back to many things - mostly a nod to the fact that she’d been researching and thinking about Rebekah for a long time - likely since she bought the house, aka  just before Karma would have been thought of. Taylor wore a white jacket with her albums emblazoned on it at her AMAs performance to accept her artist of the decade award. She was joined on stage by 8 kids, seemingly representing each of her albums, but only 7 albums that we knew of existed. We now have the Karma music video since the time of initial writing, and so many other easter eggs to unpack here. I love the countdown clock in the final moments of the video, but this entire post was inspired by the first few seconds of the song Karma, and that’s what I will conclude with. I have been completely baffled that in all of my research on Karma, I haven't seen a single person point out that the beginning of the track sounds like an old album or like a dusty record. My partner picked up on this clue immediately because it was so obvious to us as older millennials. However, I didn’t see anyone point it out online. Taylor visually emphasizes this at the beginning of the music video for those who didn’t hear it automatically when listening to the track. Whether or not you believe in Taylor’s lost album, I hope you enjoyed reading the evidence I have compiled here today - and will continue tacking onto this post as time goes on. I can’t possibly have found all of the easter eggs, but I have been as thorough as I could in the making of this post. Please feel free to comment or message me with things I may have missed, because I want this to be a true master post. Much like the ten minute version of All Too Well was once a myth but is now a reality, there is a chance you, like me, believe that Karma is real…

[sugar-omi]

(swiftie asker) OH MY GOD YOU GET IT. YOU UNDERSTAND. THIS IS ... EVERYTHING??? THIS IS THE MOMENT????? THIS IS ALL THAT EVER WAS AND ALL THAT EVER WILL BE???????? HELLO???????????? your english teacher is so based for that btw i know damn well i'd be digging claw marks into that desk DKJNCFJ

IF THERE WAS EVER ANYBODY WHO UNDERSTOOD BAXTER WARD IT WOULD BE YOU. BECAUSE YOU FUCKING GET IT, YOU UNDERSTAND THE ASSIGNMENT AND YOU RAN WITH IT LIKE THE GODDAMN WIND. "promises oceans deep, but never to keep" OUGHNGGFJGH IT'S SO BAXTER . ESPECIALLY SINCE ANY OCEAN MOTIF OF ANY KIND IMMEDIATELY ROLLS IN THOUGHTS OF COVE....... FUCKKK DUDE

dude. LOML /IS/ BAXTER CODED HOLY FUCKING SHIT ARE YOU SERIOUS??? "you cinephile in black and white", "in your suit and tie, in the nick of time", "MR. STEAL YOUR GIRL, THEN MAKE HER CRY"... how did i not see this before what the fuck . ???!?! i'm a fake fan fr /j ...

no but seriously. THE WAY THE SONG HAS REFERENCES TO ILLICIT AFFAIRS, YET ANOTHER BAXTER/MC CODED SONG??? the connection between illicit affairs's "they lie and they lie and they lie a million little times" and loml's "you told me i'm the love of your life about a million times" FUCK DUDE I'M CONVINCED TAYLOR KNEW WHAT SHE WAS DOING WHEN SHE RELEASED THESE TRACKS BECAUSE IT'S JUST TOO PERFECT.

"i wish i could un-recall how we almost had it all" and "you're the love/loss of my life" as both baxter AND mc mourning what could have been if they were two different people...if they'd met under different circumstances, in different periods of their lives. if they had one, two, a thousand more chances to get it right. if they weren't built to fall apart - destined to find and then lose each other as if it was nothing. if mc is the moon and cove is the sun, then baxter is the ever-buoying ocean - destined to forever reflect their light and be swayed from shore to shore by mc's magnetic pull - but the way they dip below his horizons by dawn as if melting into him, it's nothing more than the illusion of touch; the ghost of something he might have had once but can't hope to yearn for again.

OKAY I THINK I'VE BEEN RAMBLING WAY TOO MUCH FOR A COMFORTABLE-TO-READ TUMBLR ASK SKJDFKDFJD... truly i will never get over how you just took my silly little thoughts and absolutely TOOK OFF with them, i'll literally never be the same after "that'd be too selfish. he couldn't be that selfish." DUDE LIVES WERE CHANGED. PEOPLE DIED. (it's me, i'm people) so all of this is just to say YOU HAVE DONE IT ONCE AGAIN . ABSOLUTE ICON . 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

"if mc is the moon and cove is the sun, then baxter is the ever-buoying ocean - destined to forever reflect their light" + ".. the way they dip below his horizons by dawn as if melting into him, it's nothing more than the illusion of touch; the ghost of something he might have had once but can't hope to yearn for again."

IS FUCKING CRAZY. OH MY GOD. IM GOING TO SOB??? IM.. IM ON THE FLOOR?? THE WALL???? SHIT, MY LIFE WAS CHANGED JUST NOW AFTER THAT PARAGRAPH. WHAT THE FUCK. like excuse me while i go tattoo such a GUT WRENCHING BUT SO BEAUTIFULLY WRITTEN, SUCH A POETIC PARAGRAPH ON MY EYELIDS !!!!!

AND YES YES YES "you're the loss of my life" IS FUCKING CRAZY. I WAS GRIPPING MY STUFFED ANIMAL WITH BOTH HANDS. THAT WAS SO CRAZY N SO FUCKING TRUE

IN FACT. THATS LITERALLY BAXTER'S LINE???? baxter meeting you again, be it when you help plan scott and jude's wedding or when you marry cove, THAT IS HIS FUCKING LINE, ESPECIALLY IF YOU DON'T GET BACK TOGETHER WITH HIM..

literally screaming rn, i will not be able to sleep at all omg... i'm gonna be thinking about that reflecting their light line all fucking night... LIKE I KNOW IT SOUNDS LIKE IM EXAGGERATING BUT I AM GENUINELY SHAKEN /POS. YOU HAVE ME IN A DEATH GRIP RN ISTG

i love your mind. my writing freak as been matched. you are brilliant 😭👏👏👏👏

also im trying to listen to more of the songs on ttpd but istg i cannot hear if i cant see words so im checking the lyrics and. THE SMALLEST MAN TO EVER LIVED? BAXTER CODED ANDI NEED YOU TO HEAR ME OUT

"was any of it true? / gazing at me starry-eyed in your jehovah witness suit / who the fuck was that guy?" + "and i dont even want you back, i just want to know / if rusting my sparkling summer was the goal"

THAT LINE. "i just want to know if rusting my sparkling summer was the goal" THIS IS SO PERFECT FOR IF YOURE STILL MAD AT BAXTER EVEN 5 YEARS LATER.

and listen, i have somewhere to be in the morning so i can't wax poetry abt this line right now, imma type some shit up later bc i am going CRAZY but literally even though baxter gave you such a lovely time, and even though you knew it was going to end. even though you hoped he'd stay for awhile..

the way he wraps you up in his arms so sweetly, smiles at you so handsomely... he has you hooked on him like a drug only to turn you away, blame you for your addiction to him. blamed you for still yearning for the temporary but euphoric effects of his love...

[luwukass]

hot take:

if i see one more goddamn double album theory im gonna loose it!!!!

ITS NOT GONNA HAPPEN

i love to clown as much as the next swiftie but taylor would absolutely NEVER in her career do a double album drop and the closest thing we ever will and ever have gotten to a double album drop was midnights 3am

i am a double album theory hater!!!!