#i am Very Very Tired Right Now Due To Events Happening In My Life. like. augh.

[sforzesco]

ngl he was extremely fucking funny for this

Mark Antony: A Biography, Eleanor Goltz Huzar

bsky ⭐ pixiv ⭐ pillowfort ⭐ cohost

[vinnyhongnsfwgurl]

1st Vinny Hong FanFic? I literally have no idea what this should be LOL

Hello all Windbreaker fans and Vinny Hong lovers. This is my first Vinny Hong x female reader fanfic. I hope you enjoy and comments/feedback is always welcome! Thanks :3

So, I didn't realize what kind of fanfic this would be after I finished writing it LMAO. Complete despair and heartbreak hahaha. I just chose to write and not think to hard. tbh I'm pretty happy with it. Let me know what you think :) .... also I did not proof read haha I am lazy.

I think I'll do a part 2 to this one!

"y/n? ...... y/n?"

"Y/N?!"

You're head snaps up to look at your mother sitting in the hospital bed next to you. She looked at you slightly worried.

She tilted her head as she asked "Are you okay? I called your name multiple times."

You sat up straighter in your chair and nodded. "Yes. Sorry. I, uh, just got lost in my thoughts for a moment." A lot had happened in the past couple of weeks. My mother got very sick and ended up in the hospital for a second time, nearly dying due to a brain aneurysm. It had put a lot of stress on every part of our lives, mostly financially. We weren't poor, but we certainly did not have the luxury to not work and stay in the hospital for extended periods.

I had thought about picking up extra hours at my part-time job, but I knew it wouldn't help much and I knew my studies would suffer. I was already struggling to keep my grades up. Besides my part-time job, I had to train for the upcoming final race of League of Streets. I was a part of Hummingbird and it was amazing but like my personal life, it was a mess. So much had happened with our team.

The most recent event was Vinny leaving our team deciding to ride with the Ghost crew. He started doing small races for money, which were broadcasted online. I had seen a few. Everyone was confused and upset including me. The whole reason we created Hummingbird was to compete in LOS and win the price money for Vinny's mother but I guess he had different plans in mind.

"It'll be okay honey" my mom said as she reached for my hand. I let let her hold my hand. It was warm and reassuring.

I smiled. "I know mom. I'm glad you're alright .... I was really scared actually." I could feel the pressure behind my eyes build up.

My mom started tearing up. "I know. I know y/n. but it's okay, I'm okay." She squeezed my hand.

I just nodded. "yeah."

After a few minutes and making sure my mother didn't need anything, I hugged her goodbye and started making my way out of the hospital. I took a seat on a bench that was stationed right next to the entrance of hospital. I had taken a bus here and planned on taking it to get back home. It only took me ten minutes to get to the bus stop, so I had a bit of time before I had to leave. I was really tired and too stressed. I found myself looking for more quiet moments out of my day.

I looked out toward the street across from the hospital. It was already dark out, but there was quite a bit of traffic. Honking interrupted the empty, docile night every now and than.

I heard footsteps come around the corner that ended abruptly once they caught up to the bench I was sitting at. As I turned my head to see what or who it was, I hear a familiar voice.

"What are you doing here?"

Vinny. It was all I thought as my eyes met his. His red eye seemed strikingly brighter than it usually was. Maybe it's just because I hadn't seen him in awhile.

"Oh. I was visiting my mom. She recently had surgery." I explained. ".... Are you hear to see your mom?" I asked.

He was quiet for a second before answering my question. "Yeah, she's staying here."

"MMm that's good. Glad to hear she is getting treatment" I said.

"What about your mom? Is she okay?"

"oh yeah! The surgery went well, so everything is good." I gave a sheepish thumbs up. I always became painfully aware of how awkward I felt when interacting with Vinny. I was a fairly shy person and it didn't help how handsome I thought he was. It took time in the beginning for us to get along and establish a relationship. It wasn't hard for me to figure out soon after that I was falling in love with him.

There was a lot I learned about him after Hummingbird was formed and the more I learned the more I desired to be near him. He was hot headed and pretty reserved, but it never really bothered me. I always went out of my way to greet him at practice and I chat with him when I could. I never cared if it was just small talk.

He just stared at me for a moment before saying "Good to hear that."

I knew what what was coming next, or what wasn't. This would be the end of our conversation. I didn't want it to be.

"How have you been?" I asked.

"I'm fine." He said plainly.

"And Jack?" following it up with a smile.

"He's fine too."

Man of few words I thought. I was used to it but I always wondered what actually behind those words: I'm fine.

"Are you really doing fine? I know I'm probably not the first person you think of when you want to talk to someone, but you're my friend. I'm here for you." I blurted out without much thinking.

When I had mentioned how confusing and upset I was when he left our crew, it was an understatement. I was sad and hurt. I also felt so helpless. He left us all behind and had no desire to return.

I looked down at the backpack I held in my arms. There was so much I wanted to say, but none of it seemed enough.

"I'm sorry for everything that's happened. I know you're having a hard time. I wish you hadn't had to leave the team."

"I don't know why you're apologizing, y/n. You don't need to." He replied.

Vinny walked up closer to me until he stood just a few inches from my feet. I looked up and he gaze had softened just a bit.

"You don't need to worry about me. Just focus on yourself. You have a lot going on."

"Yeah."

There was a moment of silence as Vinny and I held each other's gaze.

Then Vinny turned to leave. "I'll see you later y/n."

Before he took another step, I reached for his hand. It was a light grasp, just enough to stop him.

"Come back to Hummingbird ..... at least, at some point. We'll wait for you. It's nothing without you"

Vinny just stared at me before pulling his hand away from my mine.

"Y/n."

"It doesn't matter if it's not tomorrow, or the next day, or weeks from now! J-just come back. Please." I could feel a increase in my heart rate and the pressure behind my eyes building up again.

Vinny sighed and turned away from me.

"There's no reason for me to come back." He said sternly. "There's nothing you or the others can offer me." He continued has he started walking away.

Something warm slid down the right side of me cheek. I blinked and more came out. I was crying.

I just stood there as I continued to watch him walk away. My crying only worsened and I could feel a lump form in my throat.

I can't give up on you Vinny I thought as I recollected the memories of us together and how much our relationship progressed.

I just can't Vinny. I won't. I love you.

After he was well out of my sight, I finally left for the bus station. I cried the entire way.

For once, I wished it wasn't so quiet out.

[circe69]

Hello, hello!

I was wondering if the prompt

20.) hand massages - "let me practice on you please? i just need to make sure i'm good at it." *ends massage* "well? how was it?" *takes a deep, shaky breath* "you have to promise you'll only do that for me." Was already taken.

If not, could it possibly be a Simon Riley x fem reader (or gn) ?

He deserves so much affection…

If not, then thank you for reading. I hope you have an awesome day

Stay safe 🤍

hi! yes of course! another sweet nonnie also requested this specific scenario, but i wasn't sure how to put that on here. anyways, thank you for participating in my special!

𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐭 #𝟐𝟎 - 𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐬𝐚𝐠𝐞𝐬 - ❤︎

You walked down the dim-lit hall with wet boots clanking on the ground, lotion in one hand, and the other being bandaged and empty. Coming home from a mission was never easy, but this one in particular really made you question your entire career.

It was storming outside, and your head was killing you from all the guns that went off right next to you ear, but you knew someone else that was having a harder time than you.

Ghost never let things get to him, it took a lot to shake him up, but after tonight, you weren't sure if he'd ever be the same. There was a little boy, probably not much older than 5, who had died due to casualties, and those very same casualties would be the cause for Ghost's guilt for the rest of his life.

People died all the time, Ghost being the reason, but kids were different.

You took a deep breath, finally nearing the Lieutenants metal door and preparing yourself to hopefully make his night a little better.

What am I even doing here? There's nothing I could do that would help, you thought, wondering if you should just turn back around. You took a minute to observe your surroundings, the loud and shaky AC harmonizing with the rain pouring on the window at the opposite end of the hall, the few lightbulbs hanging only a few inches above your head, and the thunder that shook the entire base every few minutes, leaving you restless and yearning for someone to just be with.

Raising and clenching your fist, you hesitatingly knocked on the door, 3 times, just like you always did. It was quiet, but you hoped it was enough for him to hear.

Seconds went by, and your pride was already too deep in a ditch to knock again. You started to turn around and head back to your room when the door swung open.

You stopped in your tracks, abruptly turning to face him, the man who you had once been terrified of, but now see him as someone who's just sick of everything he has to do, but does it anyway.

"Y/N." His voice was deep, like fire crackling and splitting wood. It sounded the same as it always did, except for the slight turn his words took at the end of his sentences.

"Sir."

His eyes grazed over you, they looked tired and black around the edges, most likely due to the face paint he feverishly tried to rinse off.

"Do you need something?" He eyed the lotion sticking out of your pocket, resulting in you pulling your tank top over the edge of your pants to hide it.

"I was actually just coming by to make sure," You stopped for a second to scan over his face, "make sure you were alright."

Ghost stood there, leaning against the doorway and eyebrows furrowing so deeply, you could see it through the fabric of his mask. His hands were tight, muscles still tense from events that had happened hours ago.

"I'm alright," he started to close the door right in your face, but you placed your hand against it just in time. "Lieutenant." You were known as somewhat demanding, but always gentle simultaneously. Ghost was confused by it, and how your demeanor always contradicted itself, but it intrigued him nonetheless.

His eyes were drawn to your hand, veins popping out and knuckles turning white due to the amount of strength you were pushing against the door. Due to how hard you were trying to just be with him.

"Get in." He turned around and let you into his room, turning on the singular light as he walked past the switch. He took a seat on his cot, causing the metal springs to groan under his weight, and you pulled up a chair right across from him and sat down, scooting in slightly to be closer.

You bit down on your lip to conceal the smile you so badly wanted to show, but was scared Ghost would kick you out immediately.

"Hurry up and do what you came here to do." His knees were touching yours, but neither of you moved; you felt your stomach jump just at the feeling alone.

You held your hand out, signaling to him that you wanted to see his hand. He hesitated, his eyes shifting from your hand up to your eyes than back down again. Ghost finally caved, his hand outstretching onto yours, and letting the weight of it slowly relax.

"People say I'm really good at it," you paused to watch his eyes widen at the vague statement, "Hand massages, I mean." Your mouth stretched into a smile as you saw a tiny one show through his mask but quickly disappear.

"I'll be the judge of that." His words were quiet, seductively quiet.

You slowly removed the black, leather glove from his calloused hands, and through it over on the bed behind him. Uncapping the coconut scented lotion, you squeezed out a tiny bit on your middle finger before screwing the lid back on the placing it on the carpet below you.

Spreading the cream on his hands, you slowly worked with every one of his fingers, trying to ignore the pleased noises coming from Ghost's throat but never leaving his mouth. There was a particular spot on the webbing between his thumb and finger that made his eyes close in delight, and you pressed there for a little longer to relieve any tension he was holding.

It was all the guns he held, all the triggers he had to hover above for hours at a time before moving. All the salutes and punches he had to swing, it all piled up on his shoulders and the pressure worked its way down his arms and onto his poor hands. Hands that had held his dying family, dying dogs, dying boys. Hands that wiped blood off of himself, not all of it even being his own.

As you finished massaging both of his hands, and hearing him breathe deeply in and out, relishing in the soft scent that reminded him of you, you patted his palm to tell silently tell him you were finished.

"Well? How was it, Lieutenant?"

His eyes slowly opened again, pleased to see that you really were sitting in front of him, and it wasn't another dream.

"You have to promise me something," Ghost said, sliding his fingerless gloves back on and cracking his knuckles.

"What is it?"

He stood up, hovering almost 3 feet over where you sat and crossed his arms as he looked down at you. You tried to disregard taking in his body in its entirety, but your eyes found it hard to stay in one place.

Ghost finally broke the silence that felt like hours but somehow seconds at the same time, "You'll only do that for me."

You smiled, and nodded in fast agreement, you knew from the minute his eyes locked onto yours that he would be the only one you'd ever want to do anything for.

[unabashegirl]

Enticing 43 — Harry Styles

Summary: Harry is a young billionaire and CEO of his own company. He mostly keeps to himself, he is stern and very meticulous when it comes to business. He also likes to keep his personal life very private for the sake of his newly born son Oliver Styles. It isn't until he meets Y/N Y/L/N that everything changes. She becomes his new nanny after his previous one quits due to personal reasons. She is young, caring, and sweet. Will they ignore their feelings? Will Harry's girlfriend accept their love and leave them? Will she be able to cope with his busy agenda? What about Oliver's mother? Where is she? Who is she?

Author's note: Hello everyone! I am back! I have good and bad news. I passed by exams with very good grades. The bad news is that my mom was fired from her job and we are waiting for a biopsy report from pathology and we still have to pay school. Honestly, it's been rough and very stressful week. So, I hope it's not a lot to ask, but if you guys could reblog my Tumblr posts, to get more reach it would help me a lot. Hopefully to help her pay some bills and a small portion of tuition.

I hope you are all having a great day and have a wonderful week. I hope you like tonight's chapter. Stay turned for more this week. I will update all stories.

— enticing masterlist —

word count: 1.6K

Y/N slowly blinked her eyes open, her head still throbbing but now slightly dulled. She found herself in a hospital room, the sterile scent of antiseptic filled the air. Panic from the memories of the assault shot through her momentarily until she saw a familiar face beside her.

“Harry,” She whispered, her voice weak and raspy.

Harry looked up from where he had been sitting, worry etched across his features. Y/N could tell that he hadn’t gotten any sleep. His hair is messy, and he had tired eyes. “Y/N, love, how are you feeling?”

She managed a faint smile. “Hurt but seeing you here help.”

He stood up and walked to her. He gently took her hand, concerned in his eyes. “I nearly got a heart attack when I got the call that you have been attacked. Canceled everything, got on the jet and flew back as quick as I could” Harry kissed her hand, and he pressed it against his cheek. He was glad that she was finally feeling warm again.

Tears welled up in her eyes, overwhelmed by his devotion and love. “I don’t know what I could do without you.”

He leaned over and kissed her forehead tenderly. “You don’t have to go through anything alone. I’ll always be here.”

The hospital room seemed to grow quieter, a weighty silence settling in as Harry's expression turned serious. He held Y/N’s hand gently, his eyes locked onto hers, urging her to share the painful truth

“I need to know what happened. Please, tell me”

Tears welled up again, and she took a deep, shuddering breath, gathering the courage to recount the traumatic events. She described how James had confronted her, his anger escalating as she stood her ground. The violence, the shove, the impact against the building — each word felt like a jagged piece of her soul, but she pushed through, needing to share her truth with Harry.

“He pushed and shoved me around” She whispered, her voice quivering with the weight of the memory. “My head hit the wall and everything went blurry”.

Harry’s grip on her hand tightened as he listened, his jaw clenched in anger and sorrow. He wanted to reach back in time and shield her from that pain, erase the scars left by someone who claimed to love her.

“You are safe now” Harry said, his voiced filled with both tenderness and determination

His words wrapped around her like a warm embrace, offering solace and strength. In that moment, she knew that she had chosen the right a person to share her life with — the one who stood by her, ready to help her rebuild and to heal.

Concerned etched across her face, Y/N gently touched her stomach, her worry for the little life growing inside her apparent in her eyes. “Is the baby okay, Harry?”

Harry placed a hand over hers, offering reassurance. “The doctors checked, love. The baby is alright. You had a concussion and they had to stitch your head, but they assured us that the baby seems fine”.

A wave of relief washed over Y/N, and she let out a shaky breath. “Thank goodness”.

Harry leaned in, pressing a tender kiss to her forehead. “I promise you, Y/N. I’ll never leave you without security again. We’ll take every measure to ensure your safety”.

She nodded, gratitude filling her heart. “I know we’ll get through this together”.

Determination set in Harry’s gaze. “Absolutely. And about how he found you. I’ll look into it. We’ll figure out how he got that information. I won’t rest until he is behind bars, where he can’t harm you or anyone else.”

Harry gently brushed a lock of hair behind Y/N's ear, his worry etched on his face. He took a deep breath, gathering the courage to voice his concern. "Y/N, love, I've been thinking. Given what happened, I'm worried about your safety. I don't want you to be alone, especially with him out there."

Y/N looked at Harry, her heart touched by his genuine concern and love. She knew he was right; her ex-boyfriend was a threat, and she needed to prioritize her safety. "What are you suggesting?"

He took her hand in his, squeezing it gently. "I think it would be best if you moved in with me. At least temporary. I had plans to find a place together after our trip, and I think now is the right time to make that move. We'll create a safe haven for us."

Tears welled up in Y/N's eyes, overwhelmed by Harry's protective nature and love. “I love you for it. I’m grateful to have you and to start this new chapter together. Apart from the circumstances"

He smiled softly, wiping away a tear that escaped her eye. "We'll make it our home, filled with love and happiness. I want you to feel safe and at peace, always."

They both knew it was the right decision, a step toward solidifying their commitment to each other and their future. Harry's protective instincts were fierce, and Y/N knew that together, they could face anything that came their way.

"I'm ready, Harry," she said, her voice steady with determination. "Let's move forward”.

Harry leaned in and pressed a tender kiss to her forehead. "I love you, Y/N”.

And in that moment, as they made plans for their new apartment and the life they would build together, they found solace in each other's arms—a sanctuary of love and safety that would guide them through the trials and triumphs that lay ahead.

As the morning sun streamed through the windows, Y/N slowly woke up in the comforting surroundings of Harry's apartment. The throbbing pain in her head had lessened, thanks to the medication prescribed by the hospital. Today marked the beginning of her healing process, both physically and emotionally.

Harry, being the caring partner he was, had already left for work, but he had made sure that Y/N was in good hands. Mrs. Johnson, the kind-hearted housekeeper, was there to assist her. Harry had also arranged for her work setup, ensuring that she could continue her tasks from the comfort of their new home.

Y/N gingerly made her way to the living room, where a small desk had been set up for her. Her laptop, a cozy blanket, and some snacks were neatly arranged, waiting for her. A vase of fresh flowers sat beside the laptop, brightening up the space.

"He really thought of everything," Y/N said, gratitude warming her heart.

Mrs. Johnson smiled warmly. "Mr. Styles wanted to make sure you're comfortable. If you need anything, dear, just let me know."

With a thankful nod, Y/N settled into her work, appreciating the effort Harry had put into making her surroundings as cozy and conducive to healing as possible. The familiar hum of her laptop and the comforting presence of Mrs. Johnson allowed her to immerse herself in her work.

Throughout the day, Mrs. Johnson made sure Y/N had everything she needed, from fresh tea to occasional snacks. The hours passed, and Y/N found solace in her work, a distraction from the recent traumatic events.

Later in the afternoon, Harry returned home, worry still etched on his features. He walked into the living room, where Y/N was immersed in her work.

"How are you feeling, darlin?" Harry asked, concern evident in his eyes.

Y/N looked up and managed a weak smile. "Better, thanks to you and Mrs. Johnson”

Harry sat down beside her, reaching for her hand. "You're my priority, Y/N. Always. Aside from Oliver"

Together, they continued their day, finding comfort in each other's presence and the promise of a future where they would support and love each other through every challenge life threw their way.

The cozy living room of Harry's apartment had transformed into a hub of excitement and anticipation. Harry sat on the couch, his adorable son, Oliver, resting peacefully on his chest. Y/N, with her laptop on her lap, was leaning against Harry, browsing through pictures of apartments and furniture.

As they scrolled through the images, they shared their ideas and visions for their new home. Each picture sparked conversations filled with dreams and possibilities.

Y/N pointed to a picture of a spacious, sunlit living room with large windows that offered a stunning view of the city skyline. “Look at this one. Imagine waking up to this view every morning."

Harry's eyes lit up as he gazed at the image. "It’s better than here”.

Oliver, seemingly aware of the conversation, let out a happy gurgle, as if agreeing with his father’s and girlfriend opinion.

They continued their virtual apartment hunt, discussing the features that were most important to them. A modern kitchen for Y/N to indulge in her passion for cooking, a spacious nursery for Oliver, and a cozy bedroom where they could unwind together after long days.

"what about the furniture?" Y/N asked, her eyes gleaming with excitement. "We should pick something that suits our style and feels like 'home'."

Harry nodded in agreement. "Absolutely. Let's make sure it's comfortable and welcoming. Something we'll both love coming back to."

They spent hours browsing through various furniture designs and styles, taking inspiration from different aesthetics. Y/N had a keen eye for interior design, and Harry admired her taste.

As the day turned into evening, they eventually closed the laptop, satisfied with the ideas they had gathered. Harry gently placed Oliver in his crib, and they continued to discuss their plans...

If you would like to read ahead and get access to 17 more chapters of enticing and more writing pieces then check out my Patreon and join our community.

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[theladybarnes]

CRIMSON AND CLOVER: CHAPTER TWO

"There is no shame in running.”

▸ summary: winter brings the holidays, vacations, and new worries ▸ characters:  robin buckley, eddie munson, & steve harrington 💕 (ft. dustybuns) ▸ word count: 10.2k         ▸ warnings: SMUT (18+MINORS DNI) unprotected p&v smut, angst, & fluff ▸ series masterlist

NOVEMBER

 “Okay, honey, gonna need you to ease up on the—shit that was a stop. Break!”

 You pressed down on the break gently, forcing the car into a stop at the side of the road. Frowning over at your boyfriend. “Can you please stop nagging my driving?”

 “Nagging? Baby, you missed that stop sign!”

 Glancing over your shoulder, you look back to the sign. “I did not!” You grumbled, shifting back to look at the road. “I just did a California pause.” 

 Steve scoffed a bit, trying to stop the smile that wanted to creep its way in.“Yeah, well, that California pause is gonna get us an Indiana ticket.” 

 “I wish the two of you would settle on who’s actually driving.” Robin said softly from the backseat. A glance in the rearview mirror showed you a very nervous Robin who was currently covering her face with her hands. 

 “I am driving! Steve is shutting up now.” You said with a roll to your eyes. The house of the party was only a couple blocks away now and Steve’s worrisome attitude would soon be over. 

 To be fair, the two of them had been a little on edge tonight. It had taken nearly all afternoon to convince the both of them to come out with you tonight. Jason Carver was hosting a party during fall break and you needed a mindless distraction from all the school work you’ve been diving into lately.

 Naturally, they had good reasons to be so reluctant about going. 

 Robin for the fact that most of the people there did not like her due to her status in band. And also because no one she’d actually like to talk with would be there. 

 As for Steve, well, he wasn’t too keen on the idea of going to a party at former teammate's house. After the events that happened your first year here, it was clear he was pushed out of the team’s good graces after his fallout with Tommy. 

 But after promising that you’d make sure they had a good time in your group's own fun way, they finally gave in. 

 “You know, I really don’t mind driving us.” Steve said softly, trying again to gain back some control. 

 Holding in a tired sigh, you reached over and placed your hand on his thigh. Squeezing at the limb tenderly. “Honey,” you said, stealing his own nickname for you. “Just relax, and let me take care of us okay? We’re almost there.”

 A quick glance showed you Steve slightly taken back by your slight dominance. 

 “Why did I like that so much?..” he asked himself, but sat back anyway, resting his hand on top of yours. Robin peeking out from her hands let out a small laugh as she leaned closer towards the two of you.

 “I thought by now you’d have convinced your old man to send over another car. Didn’t you complain the other day that he just got a new car for himself?”

 The bitter memory of your phone call back home brought a sour look to your face. It was supposed to be a regular end of the week check in but it turned into their big recent purchases.

 “He’s pissed I’ve ruined another car.” You pouted. “I tried to convince him it was because of the mall fire but he said since I didn’t pick a safe enough parking spot, it was on me. Which means I’m unfortunately carless once again.”

 “Not completely,” Steve butt in, squeezing at your hand again. “I’m willing to pick you up and drop you off anywhere.”

 “And me too, right, dingus?” Robin asked, looking over at her friend. Steve waved his other hand side to side. Acting like was debating whether or not to agree with her. She settled for slapping him upside the head lightly. 

 “I’m still debating on that,” he grumbled, rubbing the back of his head. “Trouble here though, should know she’s set for life on rides.” 

 “Rides that I’ll occasionally get to drive on?” You said playfully, watching as he laughed hesitantly with a small head shake. 

 “Still debating that too.”

 “It makes sense to take rides from Steve anyway.” Robin pointed out. “You two are together for most things anyway.”

 You turned the wheel down the next block, not really sure on how you should reply.  But honesty always seemed to be the best way to go most of the time. “I’ll need to drive on my own eventually.” you shrugged. “Especially if things are different next year..”

 The weight of those last words hit the car instantly and you tried not to physically wince at the small silence that followed after it. 

 “Right.” Steve said soon after, squeezing at your hands. Almost reassuringly. “It will be different..next year.”

 Glancing to your right, you watched as he gave you a small smile before looking out the front window. “Stop!” he said suddenly, making you slam on the break a bit. The three of you jerked forward before falling back against the seat.

 From the passenger rear view mirror, you could see a golden looking cat strutting away from the car. 

 “Well that guy came out of nowhere.” you said sheepishly watching as both of their heads turned to look at you incredulously. Nervously, you adjusted the top of your jacket, looking back to the road. “Anyway, Steve was distracting me. So now that he’s stopped we can finally get back to business.”

 “Back to business?” Robin asked as she settled back into her seat again. “You mean you back to carelessly driving while Steve tries not to go into a panic attack?”

 “Yes, but only to the second part.” Turning on the left hand signal, you checked over your shoulder to the road before setting back to the party. “I am getting us to this party, in one piece, and you two will enjoy yourselves and thank me later for having such a good time.”

 You glanced quickly at Steve, raising a brow at him. “Right, Steve?” you asked, looking for a little back up. His mouth opened and closed a couple of times before he finally nodded his head. Absently giving you a thumbs up as he glanced at the road. 

 “Yeah, exactly.” 

 “Sure,” Robin agreed. “We’ll have a good time. If we don’t die on the way there.” 

 You ignore the jab and keep on with your positivity. “Again, in one piece and a good time!”

 Steve thankfully sensing your slight distress held onto your hand. Rubbing at the back with his thumb. “Ease up, Buckley. Trouble’s right. Plus we’re not even that far from the place anyway.” 

 “Yeah, yeah, sure.” Robin waved off. “But if I could just say one more thing then I’ll keep quiet back here.” 

 “What is it?” You asked tiredly. 

 “You just missed our right turn.” 

 “..Fuck.” 

Things thankfully did turn around the minute you guys entered inside the house. 

 Robin was first to set off in a different direction when she caught sight of an old friend from band that had graduated previously. Leaving you and Steve to mingle your way through the crowd of kids. Surprisingly, there were a couple of old faces that seemed to be pleased to see their former classmate again.

 “So wait, the two of you were actually in the mall that night?” asked Anna Jacobi. Her Purdue sweater had a distracting splotch of beer on the front of it that kept catching your eyes.

 “We were.” Steve answered casually, trying to downplay the actual events of the night. “It was pretty crazy. Things got pretty hectic after we got our friends out. Didn’t even have the chance to really see all the damage that had gone on.”

 “I heard you guys had to be checked out by paramedics.” Said her date Mark Sutton next. “Did anyone get hurt?”

 “Well, we inhaled a lot of smoke and fell a couple of times trying to get up the broken escalator. Some of us had to get patched up.” You waved off, trying not to think about the ‘simple’ patch work like El’s leg, Jonathan’s face, and almost the entirety of Steve’s body.

 “I swore I saw Harrington with a shiner for like a week afterwards.” Said someone from the back, making you think you almost slipped up on that last part of your thoughts.

 Instinctively, you turned your body closer to Steve’s. Almost attempting to shield him from their line of curious questions. To this day the sight of his bruised and battered body still haunted you. Reminding you that had it not been for Dustin or Erica, the three of you would have faced a lot worse than truth serum. 

 “Some guard inhaled too much smoke. Then attacked Steve when he thought he was trying to keep him inside.” 

 From the side you could see Steve gave you a small curious look while the group murmured in astonishment. 

 “I’m sure the guy won if he was up against Harrington.”

 All of you snapped your head towards the source of the voice. Standing in his Indiana State sweater was Tommy Hagan. His legs wobbled a bit as he pushed his way through the small group of people around you guys. A clear sign of how inebriated he was.

 “Tommy,” Steve said dryly. “You’re here.”

 “Yeah,” he scoffed, crossing his arms. “Seeing as I was actually invited and not someone’s plus one.” he smirked as he perched at the edge of the armrest, giving him the chance to look down at you two.

 “Speaking of being invited. I don’t remember inviting you over for this conversation. Why don’t you go do something useful like bothering someone else? Or going to take a swim with a slab of concrete?” you said simply, giving Tommy a glare. It’s been months since either one of you have had to put up with him and you weren’t too keen on that changing now.

 His smile faltered a bit before he shook it off to smirk at you. “Lovely as ever, Henderson. I’m actually surprised to find you here. With Stevie boy of all people. Would have thought you were done playing guard dog to freaks when he graduated.” he finished, bringing his can of beer up to his lips. 

 The comment struck a nerve with Steve. He nearly shot up from his seat but seemed to hold back from giving Tommy the full reaction he was looking for. From his side you could see his hand clench up in a fist while the other wrapped around you pulled you in closer. 

 “Is there any reason why you’re here, Tommy?” Steve asked, not leaving room to humor his inquiries. “Or was bothering us part of your list of things to do tonight?”

 The group around you guys slowly seemed to catch onto the animosity, pulling away a bit from the three of you, but not enough so that they’d miss out on the conversation. 

 “Ooh,” he cooed, smirking down at Steve. “Can’t a guy catch up with his old school chums?” 

 He looked around the room, trying to get someone to smile at him. “I just want to make my visit back home fun before I head back to school.” He turned back to the two of you, giving a sardonic smile. “That’s something Stevie boy will never have to worry about. He’ll always be here. Stuck in Hawkins, waiting to catch up with us.”

 Steve’s face hardened. You started to see red. 

 “Wow, Tommy, after all this time you’re still so obsessed with what Steve is doing.” Getting up from the couch, you sized him up for a moment as you stood with your hands on your hips. You made sure to throw in a bright smile. “I would have figured you stopped keeping tabs on him a long time ago. Then again, I guess you must be bored and bitter now since Carol dumped you on her way to OSU.”

 Finally the smile dropped from Tommy’s face as a scowl took over. 

 “Listen bitch,” he muttered, pointing a finger at you. “I don’t think you of all people here have room to talk about being dumped. Didn’t you get dumped by Billy after you wrecked his ca–”

 The cup of beer is taken out of your hand quickly and thrown into Tommy’s face before you could even react. Steve was up now, moving you to stand behind him as he stepped up to Tommy. “Watch your mouth, asshole.”

 “Wow,” he chuckled, wiping his face of any liquid. “Still got some fire in you, I see.” Standing up now, he adjusted his sweater before looking Steve in the eyes. “Why don’t you and I take this outside and settle things once and for all? That is unless you’ve gotten shittier since your fight with Byers..and Hargrove..and I guess we should count the mall security now.”

 “Fuck you.” Steve grunted. 

 The two looked like they were about to start fighting then and there when the sound of a hollering noise came up from behind them.

 “Tommy! I’m so glad you made it, man!” 

 Jason Carver, the party host, pushed his way through the small audience that had formed around you guys to make his way and hug Tommy. He quickly realized the boy had been soaked up in beer and frowned at his shirt before looking between both boys. “Is everything cool here?” He looked more concerned about Tommy than the overall situation.

 “Yeah,we’re cool” Steve said calmly, not giving room for the other boy to clue Jason in. “Tommy might need some help keeping dry, though.”

 Turning around, he gently placed his hand into yours. 

 “Come on, let’s get some air.”

 Without looking back, he led you out of the living room and out the back door of the house. The backyard was just as busy with buzzing kids, but at least had cool crisp air to give you guys some breathing room to relax from the tense moment. 

 It wasn’t until you were towards the back gate of the house that Steve let go to lean against the wood wall. Letting out a tired sigh while he kept his gaze down at the floor. 

 “Are you okay?” you asked softly.

 “No…I’m not okay.”

 “Please don’t be upset.” Reaching out, you cupped the sides of his cheeks and tried to get him to look at you. “Tommy’s an asshole. He’s just trying to get a rise out of you. Out of both of us.”

 “He’s right though..I’m still here. Stuck.”

 You shook your head quickly, needing to get some sense into your boyfriend. “You’re not stuck here. Just because this asshole puts it like that doesn’t mean shit. He doesn’t know anything you’ve been through the past two yea–”

 “Wasn’t it you just a few years ago, who told me I’d be nothing but the boy who used to be relevant?”

 Hearing your words brought up felt like a bucket of ice water thrown to your face. Surprisingly, it stung more than you thought it would. At the time the words made sense, you wanted Steve to hurt as badly as you did. 

 But things changed, he changed.

 “Yeah, I said that. And I was wrong. Okay? I was wrong and a liar because at the end of the day I did like you. I liked you so much that I had to physically keep myself away from you.” 

 The very idea of Steve thinking so far back to what you said and it possibly being something that continued to hurt him made your stomach twist up. 

 “So yeah, you’re not in tech, or state, or wherever. But you’re here with me, and you’re my favorite person in all this stupid world. Who does stuff like sticking up for me when you know I can handle angry customers, or letting me drive your precious car to lame parties, or giving me crazy hot sex at the office at work that I still think about sometimes.”

 Sighing, you make a point to take a step back from him. Giving him a small sad smile. “I said a lot of awful shit to you in the past..I’m sorry. I’d never say anything about the guy standing before me now. And you shouldn’t give two craps about your jealous ex best friend or anything he says. But I guess that’s just what I think.”

 Feeling a little frustrated, you make a move to step off towards the gate door when you’re pulled back gently. 

 Steve wrapped one arm around your lower back while the other cupped at your cheek. “I’m sorry,” he sighed, resting his forehead against yours. “I shouldn’t have brought that up. That was another time for us. I just.. I just can’t get his words out of my head. If Tommy Hagan of all people is doing better off than me–”

 “Tommy Hagan is currently throwing up on Jason’s couch,” said a voice suddenly. 

 Staggering from the side of the house was Robin. In her hands was a stolen bag of chips and an unopened six pack of beers. “I highly doubt he’s doing better than you right now.” she smirked as she came over. 

 The two of you pull apart, but keep each other’s hands linked together. Steve is still down, looking only at your hands while he sniffed to himself. You glanced over at Robin who gave you a small nod, seeming to already know what’s happened from inside the party. It brought back the twisting feeling in your gut when you remembered how much of a better mood he was earlier that day. 

 “This party blows.” you said nodding over to Robin. “Wanna go drink and watch scary movies?”

 “I know a place where we can grab a quick flick.” Robin smiled, seeming to like the change of plans. She moved over to Steve’s side, nudging him in the shoulder lightly. “Waddya say, dingus? Wanna get buzzed and watch some masked guy chase a hottie?”

 He picked his head up at that, giving Robin a slight pout before he turned to look at you. Leaning in, you gave a small kiss to the corner of his lips in effort to make him smile. “That is if you’re up for it.”

 The two of you keep your focus on Steve, leaning in comically enough that he has to hold up his hands to push both away lightly.  “Fine,” he said, a smile cracking through his lips. “But I get to pick the movie.”

 It’s weird to be ditching a party so early. This wouldn’t have happened last year. But something about leaving to go enjoy the rest of the night with Robin, Steve, and a cheesy horror movie felt right. And as the three of you made your way over to Steve’s car, you hope that he felt the same way.

  DECEMBER

 It was early one Saturday morning when the sound of a boy’s boisterous laugh woke you up. A dangerous move on the stranger’s part considering you were still in your beauty. 

 Grabbing onto your robe, you emerged out of your room. Brushing off the early sleep from your eyes to find the source of the noise pollution. Dustin, who didn’t have anyone over as far as you know, was standing in the living room surrounded by a small group of boys you recognized from school. 

 “Who’s the guy who can’t control the volume of his voice?” you muttered, giving the group a small glare. 

 Two boys in matching shirts jumped in place, not seeing you behind them. A third boy, who looked like he had seen a ghost, spat out the water he had been drinking. “D-Dustin,” he stuttered, shakily pointing over at you. “You didn’t tell us a girl lived here.” 

 “Girl?” Dustin snorted as he piled in books and snacks into his backpack. “You mean Medusa? Could’ve sworn that she was a Gorgon.” 

 “Oh you’re so funny!” You said, faking a hard laugh. “Wanna know what else is gonna be funny? Aunt Claudia’s face when I tell her it was you and your little troop of dungeoneers who dragged dirt onto her clean carpet.” 

 Dustin scoffed at the threat, getting up from the floor to cross his arms at you. “Please. There’s barely anything.” 

 “There is something, right here.” you insisted. 

 He huffed a bit before he joined you at your side. Peering down at the floor. You waited until he was distracted enough before putting him in a chokehold. Instantly he fought back, trying to get out of your vice like grip. The two of you ignored the anxious other boys as you struggled against each other.

 “Let me go!” Dustin cried out, slapping at your arms. 

 “Say you’re sorry for the Medusa comment or else your ass is grass!” you hissed, pinching at his sides. It only caused the boy to become more erratic. Flailing in your arms until he was able to release himself out of your hold. He quickly stepped back and held up his hands defensively. 

 “If you tell my Mom about any of this, I’ll let slip about seeing Steve’s little morning exit from your window last Sunday!” he yelled back. 

 You let out a loud gasp. Shocked that he not only knew about last week’s rendezvous, but was brave enough to use as a threat against you. At any other time you’d be pretty impressed about it. But since he was doing it in front of his little friends, you could only scowl at your cousin. 

 “You little shit!” you growled, moving over to begin slapping at him. He instantly fought back, slapping at your hands and arms while leaning his face as far back from your assault. The other guys in the room are slightly gaping at the childish fight in front of them. It isn’t until Mike Wheeler came barreling through the front door that you two stopped.

 “Sorry!” Mike apologized, panting out huffs of air. “We had to drop Holly off at her friend's house before my Mom could get me here. I’m ready to go.”

 Dustin made sure to jump around you in order to get around the room to his bag again. The only thing you did was grumble as you made your way back towards the kitchen to get something to drink.

 Thankfully the other boys followed Mike back out the door, calling out how they’re all ready to go while Dustin made his way over to you. His face was red from the one slap you got in on him, but he looked more sheepish than angry. 

 “Look, sorry about the comment..please don’t tell Mom about today? She’d only freak out.”

 You crossed your arms over your chest, wanting to take the petty route for this. But considering he still had something to hold over you, you settled with nodding your head. “So long as you don’t bring up last Sunday. EVER.”

 “Deal.” he laughed, adjusting the strap of his bag on his shoulder. “Wouldn’t do me any good anyway.”

 “Why do you say that?”

 “Because if she grounds you from seeing Steve, then that means I don’t get to see him either.”

 You couldn’t help but laugh at that, nodding your head again before waving him off. He turned around and made his way towards the door to join his friends outside. But not without throwing one more bit of information over his shoulder.

 “You’ve got mail by the way. Something from California!” he called out before closing it up behind him. You rush over to the kitchen table and find an envelope with your name on it. The address you had memorized by now looked up at you tauntingly. 

 “California. Seems important.” Said a voice from behind you. Eddie, who was coming out of the bathroom apparently, sauntered over to your side. Peering down at the envelope.

 “This is important, Ed.” You mumbled, ignoring the fact that he was inside your house. The nerves of what the letter could say inside was far too distracting at this point. 

 “What’s so special about this Stanford? It’s just some cushy college, right?”

 You sighed softly, checking the weight of the envelope as if that were enough to give you any indication of what could be written inside. “It’s a law school, Eddie. It’s the law school that my family and I have been anticipating for since I was a kid.”

 “Wait,” he said, leaning in carefully. “Just how important are these results to you?”

 “Like my whole future sort of relies on this saying I’m accepted.” 

He whistled at that, crossing his arms as he looked at the paper suspiciously. “You think I should bring the boys back in and do a prayer circle or something?” 

 You looked over him weirdly before chuckling at how serious he actually was. “As sweet as that is, I think I can settle with you just keeping me company.” 

 Flipping the envelope over, you carefully tore off the tip of the paper. Getting the glued tab to come off cleanly before freeing up the contents inside. It was a minute of silence as you scanned your eyes over the page. 

 “Holy shit.” you whispered.

 “Congratulations! You have been admitted to the Stanford Class of 1990!” Eddie read out before he looked back at you. “That’s good, right?” You didn’t speak as you slowly faced him. Shocked to have the words read aloud for you. 

 “I’ve been accepted to Stanford University.” you said finally.

 “You’ve been accepted.” he confirmed slowly. “Woo?”

 Finally the excitement took over and you let out a happy scream. Jumping up and down gleefully. Eddie caught on with your happiness and let out a little laugh as he clapped his hands.

With how happy you felt inside, you didn’t even stop to think about sharing some of the joy you had and threw your arms around Eddie. 

 He huffed a bit from the air being pushed out of him before gingerly hugging back. “Way to go, Princess.” he said into your ear. Sounding genuinely happy. You can’t help but let out a small cheerful laugh and press a kiss to his cheek. 

 Pulling back, you’re about to thank Eddie for the moral support when the phone suddenly rang. Dashing into the kitchen, you pick up the landline and bring the phone up to your ear. 

 “Tell me you got yours!” said Nancy on the other line.

 “I just opened it! What did yours say?”

 “I GOT IN!”

 “ME TOO!” you cried out, making the other girl on the line scream out. 

 Eddie was still standing by the table, hand over his cheek as he stared down at the letter. From outside you could hear Dustin call out his name. Nancy on the other end calls to your attention too. Making you and Eddie only have a brief moment where you both make eye contact.

 “Thanks.” you mouthed, feeling a little bad about ditching him for the phone call.  He didn't say anything but smiled and waved goodbye. Casually stealing one more glance as he made his way out the door. 

 You find yourself still smiling even after he leaves. 

 LATER THAT WEEK

 “Steve if you don’t get your hands off of me..”

 “I’m helping keep you steady.” he chuckled from beneath you.

 You were currently at the top of the ladder above the romance section. Attempting to use a pin and string to hang up the mistletoe you bought off a Christmas tree lot yesterday morning. Steve had just clocked in five minutes ago before he made his way over to you. Letting his roaming hands go around the sides of your hips while you were distracted.

 “You’re actually tickling me.” 

 He snorted at that before moving around so he could stand at the other side of the ladder, holding onto the sides to keep it in place better. You quickly pushed the pin into the roof of the store, holding a hand beneath it to catch the object. When it didn’t fall you stepped down, smiling up at the sight. 

 Not missing the chance, Steve stepped forward just a bit so that he stood right beneath it. “Looks like we’re under the mistletoe.” he hummed, moving to wrap an arm around your back. 

 “Would you look at that?” you laughed, pretending to be shocked. “It seems we are.”

 He smirked down at you before reaching up with his other hand to use the tip of your chin to angle you up to him. Bringing you in close enough so that your lips could meet in the middle. It was a sweet, simple kiss that still took your breath away by the time he pulled back.

 “Missed ya today.” he said softly, looking at you with such a warmth that it has you feeling flushed all over. 

 “I missed you too. Did you enjoy the morning off?” you asked, biting your lip in an attempt to control the grin that wanted to plaster all over your face. It was hard to keep your cool composure around him sometimes.

 He shrugged a bit, bringing a hand up to casually pull at your bottom lip. Caressing at the plump tender skin before he leaned in to quickly sneak in another peck. “Got to take care of a few things. Including stocking up for our little weekend.” 

 The two of you recently planned for a private little getaway the moment you both found out you had the weekend off. It took some convincing and switching for Robin, plus some shifts covered to make Keith happy. But you guys managed to get away with it.

 “Oh?” you hummed, blinking a little bit. You were still a bit stunned from his little bits of affection.  “Someone’s excited. I guess I should say thank you for taking care of everything.”

 “I think I know a way you can thank me.” Steve said, sounding a little too excited. “I believe last month you showed me a pretty good way to thank me.”

 Laughing, you rolled your eyes and stepped away from Steve and his workplace temptations again in order to put away the ladder. “As much as I’d love to entertain that idea, I switched shifts with Robin. I have a test I need to study for.” 

 “What?” he pouted. “You didn’t have to switch her, I could have helped you with that!”

 Again you can’t help but laugh. “As much as I’m sure you mean that, I know your method of studying..not exactly the type of thing I need for History.”

 He followed after you, grabbing the ladder quickly to help put it away in the stock room in the back. You waited until he was done setting it against the wall before draping your arms around his neck, pulling him close now that you guys had some privacy. 

 “Now if it was Chemistry..that’d be a whole other thing.” you smirked watching as his pout slowly turned into a smile. “Tonight the store gets a break from our sexual escapades, this weekend however, will not.” You curled your fingers into the back ends of his hair, giving it a light tug as you looked up at him. “I’ll be all yours for forty-eight hours.” 

 Steve grunted a bit at the tugging, pressing himself close to your front while he rubbed his hands around the sides of your waist affectionately. “All mine?” he mused softly. “Just for the weekend?”

 “Well no, I’m always yours. But this weekend will be..extra special.”

 That piqued his interest even more. Making his eyes turn dark as he leaned his face down to your neck. “Define special.” he purred, letting his breath fan against your skin before he brought his lips close to yours.

 Laughing a bit at his unbothered public flirting, you gave in to his tempting looks and gave him a kiss quickly before your mind thought about the letter in the back of your jeans. You were still debating on whether to share this news with Steve now or later on. Unsure if you could hold back the exciting secret anymore.

 “So there was this letter–”

 “There she is!” 

 The sudden waving over from the front counter quickly distracted you. Making you pull back from Steve enough to peek out and see Eddie over at the front. Raising a brow, you stepped over towards him, giving him a small smile as you moved to stand beside him.

 “What are you doing here, Eddie?” 

 “Well, I was actually here to check out Sleepaway Camp.” he said, patting the tape on the counter. “But, it turns out I owe you guys money that I already paid.” 

 Robin, who was looking at Eddie curiously nodded her head in agreement. “There’s a three day late fee, dude. The system says it was returned but never paid for.” she said pointing to the screen. Steve came to join her at the register, frowning over at Eddie briefly before he looked at the screen himself. 

 “You owe us for Dune.” he said curtly, crossing his arms. “It’s a three dollar late fee.”

 Momentarily, you ignore your boyfriend’s uncalled for attitude in order to sort out some of the mess your new friend had gotten himself into. “Geez Ed, you do know this is only for rent, right?”

 Eddie looked over to you slightly exasperated before he leaned in.“Dune turned out to be a lot harder to watch than I thought. But it was only late by a day.” he said softly. “Think you can help me out with your friends?”

 “You know we can hear you, right?” Robin asked, becoming less amused by the boy. Steve on the other hand looked a little more on the angrier side. 

 Holding a hand up, you lean over the counter and look at the screen carefully. “What day did you come in to return it?”

 “Uhh, Monday. Night time. Probably when you guys were closing.”

 You quickly thought back to earlier this week. That night had been slow, and it took you nearly an hour to convince Keith to let you off early to get an extra bit of time with Steve before he had to drive you home.

 “Keith.” you said simply. “He was the only one here that night and we all know what he’s like the last hour here.” Steve pursed his lips, ready to rebut that but you raised a brow at him. “This mess wouldn’t have happened if I had been here. But seeing as I had plans..I wasn’t.”

 That seemed to shut him up but didn’t quite take away the frown from his face. 

 Robin clicked the mouse over the screen, deleting the charge before shrugging her shoulders to Steve. “Keith does hate checking movies back in. He probably waited for one of us to do it the next day and forgot about the charge.”

 Steve looked over the three of you with a small glare before shaking his head, moving to restack the pile of tapes over by the return counter. “Whatever, I guess.” 

 Pushing the tape towards Robin, you turned to face Eddie. Pointing a finger sternly at him. “This is the last time I will help you with a late fee problem. Next time bring your movie on time, whether you understand it or not.”

 “Yes, ma’am.” he chuckled, giving Robin the money for his new rental. “Gotta say, if that’s how you work as a defense lawyer before Law school, then I can’t wait to see you after. Might have to find a way to contact you in California.”

 “California?” Steve asked quickly. 

 You couldn’t help but freeze into place. Silently cursing Eddie for spilling the secret about your recent plans in front of Steve without you getting the chance to. “Uh,” you laughed nervously. “California..it’s where I’ll be starting school next year.”

 “Wait, when did this happen?” asked Steve as he came around the counter to go over to your side. “You got into a school in California?”

 “Pfft,” Eddie snorted, grabbing his tape from the counter. “She didn’t get into just any California school. She got into Stanford.”

 Robin gasped softly, looking over astonished before she clapped. “Holy shit, Henderson. You got in?!” 

 Steve beside you is slightly taken back. Brown eyes shifting between looking between you and Eddie. Was he happy, worried, mad? For once your boyfriend seemed to be completely unreadable to you. 

 “I just found out the other day.” you explained looking between the group. 

 Eddie nudged his elbow gently into your arm, giving you a small smirk. “Hell yeah you did. And because of that bit of news, I know just the person to help me out with my many upcoming parking tickets.” he teased, throwing a quick wink. “Catch you later, big shot.”

 The three of you quietly watched as Eddie left the store. For a moment there was a bit of awkward silence before Robin cleared her throat, causing your eyes to return over to her. She looked a bit worried at Steve but quickly shot you a wide grin. 

 “Congratulations, kid. All that law nonsense you’re always bringing up is finally gonna come in handy.” 

 Despite the teasing in her tone, her smile is genuine. Making you feel a little at ease about how awkward it seemed to be.  

 “Thanks, Robin.” you laughed a little bit before turning to Steve. 

 He was looking at you with such a forlorn look before he blinked into realization. “C’mere.” he whispered, pulling you into a tight hug. “I’m so proud of you, honey.”

 The warmth and love behind the hug is so genuine that you can’t help but melt into his arms. Feeling Steve press a kiss to the side of your head. But even with the affection, you can’t help but still feel like something was off. 

 “Is everything okay? You looked a little sick a second ago..”

 He let out a small huff of amusement before leaning forward to kiss at your forehead. “I am, I promise. This is just..this is big news.”

 Reaching into your pocket, you pulled out the acceptance letter, opening it up for Steve to have a look at.

 Carefully, he took the paper into his hands and scanned his eyes over the page. A small smile tugging at his face before he glanced up at you. “This is amazing but..how come you were keeping this a secret? This is good news.”

 “It wasn’t supposed to be.” you said honestly. “I was going to tell you this weekend as a surprise but Eddie’s mouth is too fast for his brain to catch up and he gave it away.” 

 “How did Eddie know anyway?” he asked, slightly hesitant. Robin, who was still watching the awkward scene play out, waved the two of you off and went to the back to distract herself with work. Leaving the two of you alone.

 “He was picking up Dustin the other day for some sort of game night and saw me with the letter. It was only by chance that he found out first.”

 Steve looked a little bit unsure of your answer, but didn’t seem to go against it. Only giving you back the letter. For a moment you’re worried that he might still be upset about things, but he quickly turned to make things back to how it was before. Wrapping an arm around your waist as he pulled you closer. 

 “So I’m guessing the letter was that extra special thing you were mentioning earlier.”

 Happy to have him back in a playful mood again, you can’t help but grin up at him. Despite wanting to play cool and coy. “Yes..and no.” you hummed, pressing your hand to rest against the front of his chest. The beat of his heart was thumping heavy through his shirt. “The actual special bit is the fact that a certain set of clothes I found in Vanity Fair last month arrived in the mail for me today.”

 “Clothes?” he asked, face scrunching up in confusion. “What’s so special about clothes?”

 Tracing your hand from his chest up to the side of his neck, you watch as his throat bobbed a bit. “Well for starters they’re in red. Your favorite color.”

 “Red is nice.”

 “Yeah, so is lace.”

 His eyes widened at the reveal and you felt a big surge of pride in knowing that Steve was already enthralled with the outfit without having seen you in it yet. But his shock quickly turned back into a frown, making you worried he might be upset again.

 “That’s not good.” he said with a shake to his head.

 “What’s wrong?”

 “We’re gonna need a lot more than forty-eight hours now if I’m gonna see you walking around in lace.”

 Now it’s your turn to stare at him with a stunned look. But with the sound of Robin calling out to Steve, there’s no time  for you to even think of a response to that. Meanwhile Steve has completely soaked in the sight of you taken back for once, giving you a kiss to your cheek before he patted your behind.

 “Duty calls, Trouble.” he winked, giving you one last look over. “I’ll call you later.”

 And just like that you’re left at the counter, both excited and anxious for the weekend to come.

 TWO DAYS LATER

 There were a couple of things you learned since the start of the getaway weekend. The first thing was the fact that you and Steve were doomed to either order take out the rest of your lives, or sign up for cooking classes. 

 The second was that Steve Harrington really loved red lace. 

 “Fuck, I’m so close.” 

 The two of you had been going at this all night. Taking breaks from eating, talking, and watching tv in order to make out or mess around. Despite the fact that you two had a very healthy sex life for two working teens, you both took every opportunity that this weekend could bring. 

 “Me too.” you whimpered, rolling your hips again. Steve had you on his lap by the fireplace. Letting the heat of the fire keep your bare skin warm since the only thing left of the lace was the bra you managed to keep on.  

 The palm of his hands gripped tightly to your hips, helping you keep the rhythm that was getting the both of you closer to your third climax of the night. At this point the way you two were going it was like you were trying to start a new record. 

 “God, you’re beautiful.” Steve grunted, trying hard not to grip tightly to the soft skin of your hips. His eyes were looking everywhere from your face down to your bouncing breasts. You couldn’t help but feel a heat go over your face. 

 Leaning close, you pressed your lips against his. Trying to capture his heavy breath so that you could soak him in completely. But at the same time he’s thrusting upward to keep up with you and his cock is hitting at just the right spot. Making you throw your head back in a gasp.

 Steve wrapped you in his strong arms. Making sure to maintain the deep thrusts and keep you situated on his lap. Your hands reached out to grip against his shoulders. Sharp nails slightly digging into his skin when he thrusted into the right spot again. It caused him to grunt softly, face scrunching up in concentration. 

 He relentlessly slammed into you next, giving his everything into your pussy as he repeatedly bucked his hips up. Beads of sweat started to fall down the side of his face and you paused your bouncing to brush back the sweaty hair from his face. “Your perfect pussy is gripping on me so tight,” he growled. “I’m gonna lose it.” 

 His dirty words affect you like usual, making you not only moan, but squirm even more in his hold. “Please, baby. I’m almost there.” you whined, rolling your hips a bit. There’s a good amount of arousal that’s slicked up between you and Steve can’t help but smirk down at the sight before he glanced at you again. 

 “Don’t worry, honey. I’m gonna make you feel real good again.”

 With one hand still around your waist, keeping your body pressed to his, he used the other to cup at the side of your neck. Keeping you perfectly still to drill into you in a brutally fast sequence. One thrust, two, three, and with one hard final push, he’s hitting the right spot that has you seeing white spots. 

 Your weak body collapsed fully on top of him, falling into the ecstasy like bliss it always does while Steve rode out his orgasm. Between you two, the remnants of his orgasm started to slowly seep out, coating the upper part of your thighs. 

 “So good.” you murmured into his skin. Lips lazily peppering his neck with kisses. He pressed his lips to your forehead, gently stopping his thrusting so that the two of you could slowly fall backwards into the pile of pillows on the floor. 

 It wasn’t until a second later that the two of you pulled apart completely. Falling on your backs as you tried to gasp back some air into your lungs. But with the fire beside you still alive and spreading its warmth into the room, you couldn’t quite cool off right away. 

 But that didn’t matter, not when Steve was pressing loving kisses over your neck and shoulders as he came down from his high. He was murmuring sweet words into your skin, almost silently to himself before he settled for resting his face against your shoulder. Close to your side.

 It’s a peaceful, intimate kind of cuddling. Something you guys don’t get to have often since most of the time you’re having sex in the heat of the moment or some place you aren’t supposed to. But this was different. This was almost like playing make believe that you lived this kind of way.

 “Your thinking face is on.” Steve said softly, pulling you out of your thoughts. His hand was gently running up and down the side of your arm as he looked over at you. “Mind sharing with me?”

 “It’s nothing.” you sighed, trying to avert your gaze down. The curls on his chest were slightly slick from the heat of everything. “Just admiring the day we got to have.” 

 “Oh,” he chuckled. “So you’re thinking about it too?”

 For some reason that has you turning shy, hiding your face away from his knowing eyes and hiding in the crook of his neck. The skin there smelled like his cologne and something musky, making you take a deep inhale before you placed a kiss there. 

 “I think I could live everyday like this.”

 “What? Burnt steaks and sex every night by the fireside?” you asked, pulling away to gage his reaction. He looked very pleased with the question, nodding his head quickly.

“Who the hell wouldn’t?” he said as a matter of fact. The palm of his hand wandered from your side down to your bare backside. “Do you think they have that lace in more colors?” he said a second later, cupping at the cheek of your ass

 “Steve!” you chided, trying to hold in a laugh. But too quickly is that failing and he’s dragging you back close. Letting his lips land on yours while he kneaded at your behind. You melt into the moment, letting yourself give into Steve completely. 

 “We can have that you know.” you said against his lips. He hummed in question, not pulling back from you so that he could continue the grazing over your skin. “Live like this every day.”

 “I know,” he agreed. “Someday right?”

 While he was right about that, there was something you had in mind. It came to you the day before when you were packing for the weekend. A small spark of an idea really. No matter what you did throughout the day, the idea of sharing an apartment in the bright sunny California with Steve kept bringing a smile to your face. 

 “Well, it could be someday..or it could be next fall?” 

 He pulled away confused before you sat up to look down on him. If there was anyone that you’d want to share a room with, a home with, a life with; it was Steve. 

 “Stanford starts early next fall. And my parents want  me to live off campus so I can have a better place to stay. Meaning that I’d probably get an apartment close by. But it’d be just me alone in a new place with no friends..no you.”

 “Right.” he said slowly, not exactly sounding like he understood where you were going with this

 “But, if we work things out early..it doesn’t have to be that way.” He still looked up at you perplexed with unsurety in his gaze. You take it as a sign just to be straightforward with this now. 

“Do you think maybe you’d come with me and live together?”

 His brows furrowed together, lips pouting as he took in your formal words finally. “Live together? Like together? In California?”

 “Yes, like us in a place back home.”

 “I thought that you’d want something long distance.” he asked, eyes shifting. 

 “What, you expected the two of us to just be together almost three thousand miles apart in a completely different timezone?” 

 “Wait, you actually did the math?”

  “Steve..” 

 He held his hands up defensively, licking his lips as he nervously stuttered out his next words. “Baby, look, I don’t think I can just leave home. I-I can’t just uproot my whole life for..” he cut himself off, frowning over his own words before he looked at you nervously.

 It’s safe to say the words still hurt you to your core without being said. Enough to almost make you physically flinch inside. But the part of you that tries to hide, aka the venomous bitch, is festering off this conversation. 

 For the first time in a while, you let her out a bit. “Finish it.” you said sternly. “Finish the sentence.” 

 Steve quickly shook his head, not wanting to steer anywhere near that kind of talk. “No, no, honey. You know I didn’t mean it like that.” he pleaded, trying to reach for you. But you already reeled yourself back, getting some space as you felt the anger heat up your face.

 “Say the rest of the damn sentence, Steve. Say how you don’t think I’m worth changing your life for.”

 He moved to sitting up now. Looking at you the most serious since he’s been in a while. “I’m not gonna finish it because I don’t believe that. You’re one of the few people in my life that’s helped me for the better. I just meant that I didn’t want to uproot my life for nothing. I need to do something in order to do that.”

 “Starting a life with me is nothing?”

 He sputtered a bit. Trying to say multiple rebuttals to that at once. “Don’t twist my words!”

 “Then what is it you’re trying to say, Steve? Because as far as I know you’re not doing anything here but working at family video.” Looking at your hands you try to control the word vomit coming out but the pain in your chest is making that hard to do. “You’re still on this weird sabbatical since you didn’t make it into tech. And FYI, you could do something in California. There’s tech schools, community colleges, christ, even video rental stores. Why can’t you just do that over there where you can be with me?”

 “What, like some love sick boy following around his girlfriend while she’s off becoming a lawyer and he’s stuck renting tapes out to jerk offs?” Steve scoffed lightly, not really pleased with your suggestion.

 “No, like a man who wants to be with the supposed woman he’s in love with. Or did that mindset only have a lifespan of one school year?”

 “Stop..stop acting like it’s just that. You know it wouldn’t be an easy change! Not to mention there’s other factors.”

 “Like what?”

 “Like the fact that I have other people in my life that are important too. Not just you!”

 You look over at him shocked. Mind instantly scrambling to put together if you had even insinuated that at all in the conversation. “I never said there wasn’t.” you frowned, wondering where this conversation was going to. “You mean the world to Dustin and I know Robin is your best friend. But..I wouldn’t expect Jonathan to stick around just to wait around for me. I’d..I’d want him to venture out and find something good for him.”

 “I want that for you too. Okay? I want you to have all that..”

 “And what about you? Why don’t you want that for yourself, Steve?” You almost reached out to shake him. Wanting to make him see that this move would be so much more than just moving in with you. It’d be a whole new world, a whole new life that you believed the two of you deserved. 

 Why wasn’t he getting that?

 “What I want and what I need are different things. I need to stay and check on my friends and make sure they’re safe in this hell hole. What I want is..you.” He reached up and gripped at your hand, bringing it down to press against his chest. The beat of his heart was fast beneath the tips of your fingers. Whatever he was feeling, it was enough to make his heart panic. “All I’ve ever wanted is you because I love you..”

 “Just not enough to come with me..”

 His mouth slacked a bit and he quickly shook his head. Seemingly stumped by your words. You sniffled a bit, holding back the tears you felt pinching at your eyes. Quickly, you pulled away from his hold. Reaching over for the robe you had been wearing earlier and slipping it on before you got up from the floor. “I think I should go home.” you said softly, averting your eyes.

 “No. Wait, please.” Steve said, quickly reaching for his sweats. “You can’t just leave. Besides, it's snowing. You don’t have a car and could get hurt.”

 “I’ll risk it.” You said bitterly, making your way up to go upstairs to where your stuff was. Steve caught up in time to stop you from taking the bag from the floor in his room. You tried to pry it out of his hands but he wouldn’t let go of the bag. You settled for letting go, moving over to stand in front of his window now. 

 This wasn’t how the night is supposed to be going. The two of you were supposed to have carefree fun. But because of your big mouth, the real world was coming in and tearing it all down. “I don’t want to be here right now.” you said honestly. 

 “Please,” he said, letting out a sigh. The tip of his fingers curled over your shoulders as he slowly dragged you back to press against his front. Crossing his arms over your chest like a blanket. “This isn’t how I wanted things to go.”

 “I know, me neither.” you said softly, voice sounding small and unfamiliar. This sudden weak feeling was still so unfamiliar to you. Especially with Steve of all people. He was the only one for a while other than Jonthan that you felt you could be vulnerable with. But at the moment, it’s the furthest you wanted to be.

 He pressed a kiss to your neck, soft and loving. But didn’t push for you to turn around. You kept your gaze out of his window the pool, letting the light distract you from the eyes you know would instantly pull you in. 

 “Take my room tonight..I’ll..take you home in the morning if you still want to leave.” 

 You nodded your head, staying in place, frozen. He gave you just one more kiss to your shoulder before he fully let go. His steps dragged as he slowly made his way to the door. As if he were waiting to see if you’d change your mind. But you knew you couldn’t.

 The wood creaked softly as he tugged it close, but not before he softly said one more message. 

 “I love you, don’t forget that.”

 With that he closed up the door, officially ending the conversation and the night. The distant sound of him heading back downstairs followed along with the heavy beats of your hearts.  It was all that beat in your head as you made your way over to Steve’s bed. 

 The familiar comforting smell of his fabric softener hitting your senses instantly. It wasn’t until you dragged the covers over your body that you felt the tears break through. Reaching out, you turned off the lamp by his bed. Letting yourself be engulfed in the darkness so that you could mull over what could very much be more than just a bad night. 

  The following morning, you wake up curled in the comforter of Steve’s bed. He kept his distance throughout the night. Leaving you tossing and turning with a mixture of anxiety and anger coursing through you. Glancing at the watch on your wrist, you note how early in the day it really was. Too early for a heavy sleeper like Steve. It’d be at least a good hour or two before he stirred awake on his own. 

 Glancing at his nightstand, you hesitantly reached over for the phone. Fingers twitching just about the receiver. It didn’t feel right to do this. It felt cowardly. But if you stayed the morning and continued to talk the way you both did last night…well, you weren’t sure where things would head.

 The dial tone only rang twice before the person on the other end finally picked up.

 “Hello?”

 “Nancy, it’s me.”

 “Hey! Are you okay?” asked the girl with concern. 

 “No, I’m not okay.” There’s a tremble to your voice and you silently curse yourself for already feeling like breaking down at the comforting tone of your friend. “Do you think you can pick me up? I’m over at–”

 “I know where you are. I’m on my way.”

 It only took Nancy about ten minutes to arrive outside the driveway of Steve’s house. The moment you saw her familiar car, you quickly moved out the door. Carefully shutting it behind you as you walked down the pathway.

 Her regular curls were tied up messily on the top of her head. Sleepiness was still heavy on her face along with the remnants of her makeup from yesterday. But her blue eyes, however, were filled with a familiar worry that had you slightly relieved. 

 Guilt quickly engulfed you. Not only were you ditching Steve with nothing but a note saying you’d call him later. But you had your friend up early with no other information as to if you were okay or not. 

 It felt like nothing about this weekend was ever going to go right. 

 You quickly entered the car. Allowing the heater to warm you up as you buckled into your seat. It wasn’t until you were settled in that you were brave enough to look over at Nancy. A small smile tugging at your lips when you noticed she had driven over in her plaid pajama set. The only thing fit for the weather was her jacket and the heavy snow boots she had.

 “Thanks.” you said softly, rubbing your cold hands together. “I know it’s early and you weren’t really expecting to hear from me. But we uh…” the argument suddenly returned to your mind. Making your voice die down and water prickle at the rim of your eyes.

 “It’s okay.” she cut in softly, reaching out to grab at your hands. “We don’t have to talk about it yet.”

 Nodding your head thankfully, you look out onto the dashboard. Trying to focus on anything to control the moisture that’s trying to leak out. Nancy let out a small sigh before suddenly turning to face you.

  “Wanna get some breakfast?” she asked, causing you to look over at her. Her smile was big and she had a small look of determination on her face. While a part of you really wanted to go back home and cry into your pillow for the rest of the weekend, something about maybe dishing out your current problems over a hot plate of food sounded oddly comforting.

 “Know a place that has good waffles?”

 Smirking a bit, she changed the gear on the car. “I know just the place.”

 The low hum of music was the only noise after that. You couldn’t help but steal a longing glance in your rearview mirror. Taking in one last look at Steve’s house, and for the weekend that it could have been. 

A regretful choice unfortunately. Because as the view of the house began to grow smaller, so did the sight of Steve standing at the front of his door. Alone. With nothing but a note in his hands.

A/N: Please don’t hate me! I wanted to make sure this chapter had enough fluff, smut, drama, and set up for the future of the season. 

[olivieblake]

Hey, Olivie! I'm in need of advice, and a bit of assurance, but mainly advice.

Right now, the traditional publishing industry is - pardon my French - shit, and I'm in a bit of a pickle. I'm on the verge of querying my second manuscript, and for context, it was very well received by my closest circle, my critique partners, and several agents and editors who wanted to see the manuscript on their desks in 2022 during pitch events. However, revisions took a bit longer than anticipated due to school and work on my end. It's 2023 now, and I'm almost ready to submit, but now I'm not so sure of this book, or my career.

Trends come and go, and right now, I'm not sure if my book would do well in the current market. My first book, ironically, was a romantasy I wrote two years prior, and now, it might hypothetically do better. But that isn't the main point - I'm tired of writing projects that fall wayside of what's desired by agents and publishers mainstream, by just a couple of years or a couple inches off the mark. Additionally, right now, there are fewer agents and editors to go around due to several scandals I won't specifically name. It just feels like every single barrier is up against me right now. Publishing is a business, and I don't know if I'm a desired product.

I know my worth. I know I'm qualified, and I'm a writer with a fair bit of experience under my belt, but right now, I just don't know if the traditional industry is right for me or not, and I'm seriously doubting the idea of having a future part-time career - or even a full-time one eventually at all. I really don't want to go through indie publishing, since I don't have the resources nor time to market myself without a team on my side. And to be fair, I'm almost a college graduate (undergrad, senior), so this might be jitters talking, but so is my anxiety. I'm mixed Southeast/East Asian, so given publishing's fascination with slotting Asian voices into neatly packaged, "exotic" hashtag Diverse Voices Packages - I just don't know if my not-neat voice is wanted, or will ever be needed.

It would kill me, but...I don't know if I should just stop and come back in a couple of years, or just stop altogether. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to follow through with my current book and face another set of rejections, then write nine more books and face nine more rejections. TLDR: the pessimist in me is having A Time. any advice gladly appreciated!!!

okay

I'm not going to lie to you

I was nodding along sympathetically and then

I got to your age

and I burst out laughing

I laughed OUT LOUD oh my god my sweet summer child

(for reference: I am 34, I have no formal writing training, I started trying to get published when I was 27, I didn't see any success until I was 31, at your age I had a masters degree and a scholarship to law school and was very sure I was going to be a lawyer. I am. not one)

okay so laughter aside, please allow me to tell you gently, very gently, that at this age, you're not supposed to know what you want, you're not necessarily supposed to see your career, and you're not meant to understand if there is a place for you in the market until you try. look, I won't lie to you, traditional publishing is a life filled with rejection on every floor. there is no level of success where you will no longer hear no. and yeah, it's hard to find your way in—I tried for five years before I got my first publishing contract, and showed no particular success until a completely different self-published book went viral through essentially no doing of my own an entire year after that. everything that happens in publishing is a spectacular accident. and what's very crazy to me about the fact that I'm currently sitting in my third week on the nyt bestseller list is that this book was actually my first self-published book—I wrote it six years ago, when all of publishing was telling me no. I had no reason to believe I had any talent for writing, but I did it anyway, because I loved it and only felt alive while I was doing it. the fact that it is successful now, with nothing having changed along the way except for someone giving me a chance in this industry, is why I am laughing. because everything is an accident and all of this is mess.

so, the choices you make in publishing CANNOT be about external markers of success. it can't be about money (that is, beyond the question of how will you survive while writing—I could because I had a freelance job and my husband's income to help me. you'll need either family money, a partner with an income, or a job). it can't be about marketability. your desire to publish has to come from somewhere innate and you have to be able to take no and keep going. for the question of self/traditional publishing, the main issue is: do you want to run your own business? you can self-publish so long as you don't mind managing your own editorial, sales, PR, production, and marketing. if you have the resources to get started, and if it's a genre/age category that has shown success (adult SFF or romance), it is a totally valid way to make a living. if you, like me, prefer not to handle your own production/marketing etc, then traditional publishing is the way, but you will encounter all of the gatekeepers along the way who might say no. so you have to think how you're willing to deal with that, and how you will pay the rent and buy the groceries over the course of publishing's very lengthy timeline, where you will make your advance in 3rds (so about 1/3 per year through the production process) and likely have to consider supplementing your writing with a full or part time job.

basically, the point is: query the book. you have nothing to lose. do it now before the winter holidays because nobody in publishing reads over the holidays. don't worry about whether your voice is wanted. you already know it is. send it out. the worst you can hear is no. and then try again, or don't! but my advice is always shoot your shot, and your resiliency and adaptability is what will carry you through this process, more so than sweat or skill. getting an agent or a publishing deal is not what will make you believe in your talent. you have to believe in it now, and the love and the work you put into the stories you tell is what will be rewarded in time

[the-s1lly-corner]

CW: suicide mentions

Prefacing this by saying that I am not planning on harming myself nor am I the one who is planning. Rather this is a vent that happens to bring the topic up due to recent personal events. Saying this because I need to vent into the void but I know seeing the cw with no elaboration can jumpscare people. I'll very likely be deleting this once my head is clearer

I feel. Selfish. There's someone I've been friends with for nearly a decade now and I always knew that there would be gaps in our interactions time wise because that's just life. I'm fine with that. What I'm not fine with is that they're gone for months at a time with no word. It will soon be four months since they've last talked to me. This is not the first time it's been this long and I'm sure it's been longer before. When they do come back they just. Give a quick apology. So I should be grateful about that at least right? It still hurts like hell, and it still makes me feel like shit. I know I'm not entitled to being their priority but at this point the friendship is beginning to feel more and more one sided. I'm so tired of worrying for weeks and weeks just for them to pop in for 5 minutes, kill that worry, and then dip. The cycle always repeats.

I had another friend that took their own life in February. I didn't get confirmation on it until the beginning of November. I spent the months in between hoping and believing that they were okay and that they just followed through with deleting everything and taking an extended break from social media. I didn't find out until their cousin reached out.

Obviously it's not their fault, I'm not angry at them for that.

But I think that's playing a part in how I'm feeling about that first friend, at least after I got the news. It's the big breaks in between that are getting worse because what if it happens again and I wouldn't know until one of their family members tells me-- I know some of their family members on Facebook too. What if one day I find out through one of them talking about it?

I know my best bet is communicating. Saying what is essentially "hey can you please send me something- can be literally anything, one message or a video what whatever- just so I know you're still alive?" Sounds so easy but it's the wording. I feel manipulative saying or asking for it.

I'm tired of feeling like an after thought, and I'm tired of worrying if my friend- who has also had mental health struggles in the past- is still on this earth

[macaroni-and-antifreeze]

sorry gang i'm on a writing roll so here is

Ash's Thoughts About Every Winner + A Bonus

Wife, this is your warning. Do not look under the cut. You will be spoiled for literally the entire series.

Also I do briefly mention self-harm towards the end so if that is a trigger for you, I would recommend either scrolling or not reading the massive paragraph at the end.

Dr. Will (BB2) - There's a reason he's an iconic winner. He's a bit of an asshole but he's a lovable asshole, much like my dad.

Lisa (BB3) - Now, do I think a bitter jury contributed to this win? Yes. Is this win still deserved? Yes. She was a strong player in her own right and I'm still happy she won.

Jun (BB4) - One of my favorite winners. Basically invented the floater strategy that other houseguests try and fail to replicate to this day.

Drew (BB5) - Honestly, I have not dived very far into this mid-stage of the old seasons but I guess he's okay.

Maggie (BB6) - Not a big fan of her, tbh.

Mike Boogie (BB7) - There's a lot of shit that happened outside of the game that sours my opinion of him.

Evil Dick (BB8) - Ok, listen. He's a character I can say that much. But, there was a lot of production protection around his win. I don't think he would've gotten as far without America's Player.

Adam (BB9) - I haven't watched BB9, and I probably won't.

Dan (BB10) - What can I say about Dan that hasn't already been said? He is a BB legend and probably the best winner.

Jordan (BB11) - Yeahhhh, no.

Hayden (BB12) - I have conflicting thoughts about Hayden. Is he kinda responsible for Derrick? Yes. Is he entertaining to watch? Yes.

Rachel (BB13) - Ok I gotta admit, I'm not the biggest fan of her in 13, love her in 12 though.

Ian (BB14) - Ian is my favorite, if you have anything negative to say about him fuckin leave.

Andy (BB15) - I refuse to watch BB15.

Derrick (BB16) - See my future "Derrick Levasseur Ruined Big Brother & I Don't Respect Him As A Person" longpost.

Steve (BB17) - I am extremely biased towards Steve. BB17 was the first season I watched and the first to make me fall in love with Big Brother. If you asked my dad, he would say Vanessa was robbed. And I kind of agree, but also don't. We didn't have good enough internet for the feeds at the time so there's a lot of shit we missed.

Nicole (BB18) - I hate Nicole Franzel. I am tired of seeing and hearing her and I do not care if she lives or dies.

Josh (BB19) - 19 was a garbage dump as a season which makes it only fair to get a garbage dump of a winner. Only Kevin winning would satisfy me because he was the only bright spot in this hellhole of a season.

Kaycee (BB20) - Honestly, I don't give a rat's ass about this season. I was on Discord most of the summer so I didn't get to connect with a lot of the players.

Jackson (BB21) - Why do we award racists? I only watched the first half of the season because I was so angry.

Cody (BB22) - The only good thing he did was evict Nicole. This season made me stop watching until midway through BB24 because all of the Pre-Derrick players were evicted for trying to, yknow, play the fucking game how it was meant to be played. So tired of white boys.

Xander (BB23) - I have not gone back & watched BB23 in its entirety due to certain events in my life happening at that time because I fear it may trigger me and ruin my excitement for Big Brother.

Taylor (BB24) - It's what she deserves. She is 2 in my top 3 favorite winners, those being Ian, Taylor, and Lisa.

Jag (BB25) - I don't think you should win if you were evicted, but that's my opinion.

And finally, our bonus player:

Paul (BB18 & 19) - I have incredibly mixed feelings on Paul. When they played in 18, I thought they were the greatest person on Earth. They were cool and funny and had awesome style. And to an autistic middle schooler who couldn't keep up with the changing tides of the social hierarchy, they meant a lot to me because we were already very similar. So I mirrored them. I mirrored them HARD. They were everything I wanted to be as a person. Instead of being the kid who got bullied all the time, I could be cool. To this day, Paul is a really special houseguest to me because they provided an escape from the newly developing self-hatred and urge to harm myself. I'm older and healthier now, so I don't value my worth against people but they were a bright spot in a dark time in my life.

Then BB19 came along. And I felt betrayed.

Why was the person I looked up to suddenly acting like the very thing I was escaping from? It genuinely hurt a lot. And because of those feelings that still linger today, I still feel like that 12 year old "girl" who didn't know what was wrong with them whenever I see clips of Paul on BB19.

Thank you for your time. See yall on Thursday.

[tetrakys]

Hi. How are you? It's been a while since I have written a message here, but I've always had an eye on your profile and I wanted to thank both of you and Chino from the bottom of my heart for giving us the ANE story of Eldarya we all deserved to have, our little hearts are less heartbroken :))

Now I am wondering just as much as the others in the community how new gen candy is gonna be like. 😂😂😂

Truth be told, I am a little worried that no matter if they're gonna try their best or not, there will be a though crowd to impress due to recent events and I don't blame anyone for being skeptic, it will be hard to beat the original MCL that we all love and grew up with. I never tried Moonlight lovers or Uncoven, so IDK why they've never been an interesting subject of interest. Henri's Secret sincerely should have been left like that, only with the first season, the second one was a waste of time and money.

Getting back to New Gen, unfortunately, because of the comparison that will be between this and the previous series, the risk of not being successful is pretty high and I really hope it won't happen. It will be hard for them to have another failed project like Eldarya ended up for example. I never understood why I loved Eldarya TO so much (do you know how to answer that question for yourself?). I discovered it very late, despite MCL, but it still means so much to me and I'm sad that it's probably gonna end this way, with these 20 failed chapters. 💔

To answer my question, maybe because everything just made sense and worked together perfectly: the plot, the characters, the references, the harsher topics which made it real and somehow relatable.

Anyways, keep up with the good work girl and I will be back with a feedback that you will be asking for or not after finishing the story (I love writing, so who cares as long as I'm enjoying myself 😅). Sending love and hugs to you and the community. 🫶

Hello! Lovely to see you 💕 thank you for following me and the kind message, let me answer everything (long post, I'm putting it under the cut).

About New Gen:

You're very right, it's gonna be hard to impress people, I'm fully expecting part of the fandom to claim that the new LIs aren't as good as the old ones for the simple fact that there's no replacing your first love. I'm also expecting some people to hate on the game just because it's Beemoov and they would hate the company even if they found the cure for HIV. But I also thing that the game has the potential to bring a breath of fresh air to the fandom. Lots of people have left and haven't come back even to play Alternate Life, maybe a similar game but with a new story and new characters will make tired people and new people interested. Personally I just love Chino's characters, the way she brings life to them, in her 3 games I've managed to fall in love every single time so I'm fully prepared to do it again. I've never been able to get so attached to other games' characters even if I enjoyed them. I guess at the end of the day it's just a matter of personal preferences, her writing just click with me. Which brings me to Eldarya...

About Eldarya TO/ANE:

Why I loved Eldarya TO? 🤔 Firstly, as I mentioned before, I enjoyed the characters even the secondary ones, even the ones I hated (*cough*Miiko*cough*), I just got attached to them. I also started playing Eldarya late, it was 2018 or 2019, when the game first came out it was in French only and then I never kept up with it. Then I joined Tumblr, saw people playing and decided to play as well. I started with Nevra because he was the one dressed in all black and looked a little like a bad boy, turns out he was the ladies' man route instead, not exactly my type but I am still attached to him as he was my first. While I was playing his route I got super invested in wanting to tame Ezarel, he was such a bish, so I had to make him fall for me. In the end I got over him the moment I won the challenge and I got him lol, I spent the rest of his route trying to get with Lance with no success, obviously. After that I tried Leiftan because he was clearly in my eyes the "main guy" but I'm a shallow person when I play these games and I've never been able to move past his clothes, hair and general fakeness. I love him though, when he's his real daemonic self, just not my perfect type. Then I played Valkyon because he was the last one left and oh boy... I fell for him hard. I still bonk myself for having left him for last. However, I think we all know here that my one true love is his brother and I've spent years trying to have him to end up with... whatever his ANE version is. As I said I love Chino's characters, and since Eldarya was given to another creator you can SEE that the characters aren't the same. I've seen a couple of people upset when I say that Eldarya's characters aren't the same, they claim that the way they are now is a natural consequence of what they lived through those 7 years time lapse and NO I'm sorry I will never be able to agree with this. Game characters' aren't real people, they exist only in the way their creator makes them exist, if the creator changes they are very literally the definition of different people. ANE LIs are what ANE writer and creator see them as, which is not what TO writer and creator saw them as. It's really, quite literally, a different game. Including the way dialogues and events are written. I LOVED TO's darker themes and I loved the potion plot. TO wasn't a perfect game by any means but it made me feel things, now I just feel nothing when I play Eldarya. It makes me really sad. (And I haven't managed to keep playing since episode 14 :( )

About The Dragon's Call:

Thank you for liking our story 💕💕 writing it is cathartic for me, not only because of the game, but also because life has been a bit tough this past year and I'm fully aware Chino is indulging me only because she cares (and also cares about all the players who love Eldarya of course). I want to get to the point where I have Lance's (and Valkyon's) route complete and I can read it whenever I feel like I miss him. Honestly I wish someone else would've written it so I could've just enjoy it as a reader 😂 but at least I hope I'm doing the characters justice. And yes please come back to give me feedback whenever you want I really appreciate it! 💕

Sorry for the loooong rambling, hope to see you around here again 😊

[novaheart8]

I like this theory, but my hobby is trying to disprove theories, so this was my work on your theory. (N is Cyrus and Cynthia's child) It's wayyy too long to put here so I put it in a pastebin. It might feel passive-aggressive but honestly rn I'm just a little angry so it's nothing to do with you. Can't put links in questions so go to pastebin and put /UrFQjAJH after the link. If you don't know what pastebin is or something, well uhh idk what to say :P

Thank you for this!! I actually enjoyed reading it /g. I think there's a huge misunderstanding in the disproval of the theory concerning the timeline though, so I'll explain it more here if you'd like to read it (otherwise, you can skip ahead). Then, if you would like to make another argument, I'll be happy to read it!! /g (I CAN'T STRESS THE /GENUINE ENOUGH. I ENJOY DISCUSSIONS!!!)

The idea was always that N was kidnapped as a toddler/young child. Never as a baby. Because you're right! Ghetsis and the rest of Team Plasma would want nothing to do with a baby.

I'm not too sure where you got the "N is 14 during Unova" from. Because for my theory, he's 18 during BW (and therefore 20 in B2W2), and N was canonically designed to be around that age range (18-20) anyway. Which means, following that Unova took place 10 years later than Sinnoh, that N was 8 at that time period - meaning he's 3 years older than Team Galactic, and that actually helps me since I can pinpoint that N was kidnapped at 3! Thank you for that, since that was a detail I overlooked!

It is heavily implied, if not canon, that Cyrus is depressed due to the loss of Rotom (besides his parents emotionally neglecting him), because he had never felt so connected to a Pokémon. That much, I understand; and in fact, had I been up for writing any more, I would've written more about them! However, I simply haven't had the motivation to write more stories. In my eyes, the loss of Rotom was a separate life-changing event that happened much earlier to Cyrus (when he was still a child), and wasn't what pushed him to form Team Galactic and remake the world to be without emotion and spirit. The loss of his family is what I believe pushed him into that.

I'm not going to deny that the line that mentioned he cared about others was about his Commanders, because it absolutely was! But I like to think it was also about his family, though Cynthia, at this point, wouldn't acknowledge that.

Now, as far as my theory posting being a big part of the Mizuhikishipping tag, I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that there simply isn't a ton of recent Mizuhikishipping content besides this. I'm in the same boat with you in wishing that there were more posts for them!! Sorry if you're getting tired of seeing my posts though. I think tumblr has a feature that allows you to block tags? Maybe? If so, I always tag my theory posting as such (#the cyrus and cynthia are n's parents theory), so you can block that tag. Hopefully that'll free up some space as you look for other content!

Your friend should not, under any circumstance, push my theory down your throat. I am deeply flattered they believe in my theory, but at the end of the day, it is just a theory, and is very likely not going to be made canon, no matter how much anyone would like for it to be. I'm sorry that happened to you, and I know I'd feel the same way in your situation.

I hope this all leaves you with a better impression. Again, if you want to talk more about it, you can leave me another pastebin link or something! I'd be happy to discuss this theory with you, since it's something I treasure, and knowing its flaws can help me to fortify it. Thank you so much for your time, and I hope you have a wonderful day/night, anon! ❤

[tehawesomelyjuanthegreater]

To normal life official now and what next onward

Due to the many events up and down...

October has been a terrible month for me because of the financial struggle that got into this. Things simply didn't happen officially as they came after October and early November, because SSI didn't send money, but did send money officially.

I know I went to the anime con I went to and had to escape. My family and rl friends from the con cheered me up from the previous incident when I was a let-down officially.... 

Well, as now for real twice, it is normal life standard, as back to normal life officially... 

Currently, there is karma for an old friend who does VO act, but I will NOT get involvement in dramatic things, but things aren't best for my old friend I have not talked to for a while, since she recently removed me off her contact since last October... These bad dates... have things would have been better if it weren't for all of these things. But to put aside...

Even if things aren't better, Facebook has confirmed that there will be the creation of an avatar icon for AI. First, Twitter changed the block feature change option. Now secondly, Facebook - this is going to be the same thing if they changed the block feature to other another site etc. If the CEO of a social media company, there won't be better expectations officially-with a decline would be online.

Speaking of it, it declined online for me. When understanding, you may notice I have grown up so much recently and understand officially. Now, online has been in full decline and I don't want, anything, to do with anything, and things like that are officially like that- I have already lost 2 folks (who are friends) (even 1 remains on dA, unknowingly why) being blocked,, even 1 person on discord apps from amino apps-when telling that person "reason" she no longer comes back to the group due to betrayal when I haven't done nothing wrong officially - did on me on discord and Instagram, when send a message on discord very strict and honest message of not being pleased... I have had people before like that. It is simply tiring for people who don't want to be friends or stay with them and want to be online. There is an official decline in that, and I know it. this will be a trend as tiring-some of that for everyone else. It is starting for me, not just me but everyone who is tired like that.   Decline from online friendships and things like that.,, yes. It is stated that an acquaintance of mine was REALLY right that "social media" are confirmed toxic.... So this is where the next level starts. That seems Twitter/ X has been declining due to changes.... with former folk/ exs - they are replaced by new friends and new folks for more to come, if they keep doing so, because of the decline of what I sense and began to know ever since the summer off 2024 with 2 other folks who don't re-considered of true friends people, real isn't enough to show prove!

With new friends and I am currently making newer friends to fight on from what is happening in 2017. How I dealt do this. I am currently fighting back onto the wall... still am I fighting, there has been familiar faces of oldest ish less and newer folk - become newer friends and new people, people who are trying to be the best of them self... I HAVE met awesome people who are exactly real people after all - also being true people,

It seems that the online community is dying to decrease with social media alongside it.

To put the side of on-off, I have felt like that. I have been going forward ahead and thinking about my passion, what is best for me, and my love and things I enjoy doing with the passion I enjoy doing..... 

I'm getting back to things the way they used to be from 2017 to 2019 - when I used to be the "John" person, after I became "Great Julies", now dead in 2022, now 2022-23 to "TehAwesomelyJuanTheGreater" as a new username onward... there will be no plan settle to re-change the new name to John and Great Julies at all due to years to wait when it comes back, who know for sure. As coming back to the olden days, it is slowly coming through process.  

Things are straightened up. I have decided that for 7 discord server group I made a choice about what I'm going to do, despite the fact that I was talking to friends and folks if they wanted to join my server group??  Which I know what I'm going to do, now that things have straightened up officially and cleared up the mess...   I will be doing a video update about that....

I'm still hanging on together, still helping the art community to save the art scene, to put a stop on AI while doing paid art commissions artists to keep them strong by doing the right thing- on my behalf. I need help from my following and a discord group of mine........ Been going forward that WHAT I'M doing! 

Even things are. hit-mix mostly. Currently I'm doing the best that I can to go onward and do the best for myself and my passion included. 

As things going back to normal life, I will be busy with 2 disability providers for the weekday, so it will keep my focus away from mostly decline... Mostly now I think I prefer personal social media, that I do prefer using and rather than the online name alias I do use...... 

I have to be strong right now online, there a official sign online that there has been a strong decline than what happened 18–15 years ago predated, worse than EVER... now it can't be done anymore... 

There wont be promise things will go back the way they are since 2017 to 2019 from back then officially on things when I was as "John"- now it is coming back officially and slowly!

[breesasofty]

Tuesday. June 18th, 2024.

Yesterday's batch was made stronger. I took 1/4 of my usual dose and I was completely out. I vanished, went somewhere else; the pain was still in that somewhere else mind/body state, but it was fogged.

I was so eager to have the relief I've been taking these past few days. I lost control completely. My body feels tired from the troubled sleep, and I have an excuse for going past my personal limits of indulgence. I feel like I'm abusing myself somehow, the way I went back to smoking weed without even taking baby steps. I can manage myself throughout the day, but I have to bat off from high every single night, knock myself off with serotonin, dopamine, CBD, THC. It's like taking a dreamless sleep potion, but I always dream.

Vivid, anxious dreams. My dreams bring back to me what I want to run away from. It feels like I'm forever being chased by the things (and the people) that I want to leave behind. And this thing about feeling energies (the quintessence of understanding one's single note of smeared colors by a brush, resulting in something entirely unique; how one usually vibes [vibrates, their own signature frequency, a blueprint]) and having that note played in my dreams, right before the eye of the mind, the stage on my view... could be simply described as bothersome.

All the work I do during the day, keeping the right things fueling my brain, nourishing my soul, are ripped apart in destruction every night when I both-handedly give away any control of my being. I am reset every night from my own patterns of thinking, my own struggle to keep myself on the path I want to take. When giving it away (the weight of all my responsibilities, which lately have been crushing me impiedosamente), I feel momentarily freed. In exchange, I get a breath of fresh air to keep fighting the following day. All daytime is a battle; and during the night, I drop to my knees and feel sagged down by the heaviness of everything.

It's like I'm given a limited amount of oxygen, so I have to keep coming back if I need more. It feels like I've forgotten how to emotionally recharge on my own. Before all that ordeal which I'm still sorting through, I had a guess I might have C-PTSD. Not to self-diagnose, despite knowing myself very well and majoring in these exact matters, having also been in therapy for almost a decade (not in sight of being discharged this time [let's take a laugh, shall we? It is indeed rather funny, the tragicomedy!]), but there's no way I wouldn't develop C-PTSD after such a troubled life. Oh, but once again, I have to thank my mind. I would've entirely succumbed to life if I hadn't been blessed with this brain of mine.

Knowledge is my solace and developing is my fuel. As it should be, I also have this requirement for anyone who's near me. I'd be dead by a bore after being sat with the ones satisfied with what they have, not progressing in their plans (what makes one self-satisfied? No, better! For how low will one settle?). But I also wonder sometimes if I'll ever be able to reach all I deem myself capable of reaching before my head explodes and then boom, game over. I can't say it'd be a complete surprise on the turning of events ruled by the universe and destiny if that happened. Now, more than ever, I know it's inescapable, not to face it when time decides that it's due and ends itself, taking whatever it may take. (These 'whatever' most times actually cost a lot).

I feel disconnected from myself and from my surroundings. I know it's a mechanism to protect myself from all the scary changes that have been happening, non-stop (I hate changes, have I mentioned that before?).

I don't really know what the future holds. I have myself and some money, but I feel alone in the world. Future steps are blank slates; the route that I've planned has been crushed. I feel defeated, but I'm still trying. I have been maimed and hurt, but I keep fighting.

[sadcloudclub]

life happens for you, never to you

I have a nature of “running” away. Yes, I’ve ran away as a teen before, literally. But I’m referring to the “abandon your entire life and go elsewhere” thinking my problems would stay at my last residence. HA. I was so wrong.

I’m not sure I can talk on home or stability because those two things are foreign to me. Despite a very toxic household growing up, on my 13th birthday (wow, the Death card in Tarot just came to mind. Wow.) I pretty much lost everything except the clothes on my back. I’m talking family, sense of normalcy, my toys, house, clothes, etc. It shook me to the core and I was extremely confused. That event forever set my life into an insecure and unstable rollercoaster.

Here I am twice as many years later and finally coming to the conclusion that I need to break this pattern. The pattern of “loss”. I cycle more than a goddamn bike. It’s tiresome and I’m not getting ripped leg muscles from it, so it’s a lose-lose situation. The pattern typically goes: I am able to get a job, take care of my self and build on that. Maybe I get a new place to live, so I’m independent and feeling oh so good! Finances are good, I’m up to date on all payments, and I’m able to treat my self now and again. Of course during all these trials, I am working a job aka under someone else. But regardless I am doing well and feeling hopeful for my future.

Now y’all, bare with me as I’m still unraveling and dissecting this part of me. Trauma comes in layers, like a Tiramisu (just not as sweet). For a few months, sometimes up to a year, I will feel great and all seems wonderful. Somewhere in there, I get triggered. Looking back, maybe I feel overwhelmed with responsibility, maybe I’ve grown tired of answering to someone who doesn’t give a shit about me. Either way, I feel this life is unbearable and without warning I drop. Faint. Collapse. However you want to put it, I quit every thing, entirely, all at once. And yes, I quit my job, terminate my lease (not cheap, and I do not recommend). Pretty much, I abandon ship. (I don’t even like boats.)

This has been a cycle for over 14 years. I’ve moved over 11 times in the past 14 years. To different states across the country. I’ve worked a plethora of jobs from food industry to retail. This constant uprooting leaves me feeling unsafe, as if nothing will last for me. I’m still attempting to retire the idea of “what’s the point” that rings in my head now and again. It felt like no matter where I went, no matter what I did, nothing was mine. No house could be a home. No job could be a career. No friendships would be long term. I felt so alone and lost. Why have me on this planet to feel so hopeless?

This most recent time was like age 13 but on steroids. It’s different losing everything with people, but to lose it all by yourself- to go through that all by yourself. It’s devastating. My closest friend is a state away. My hometown is over 1,000 miles away. When I say “I’m out here” I really do mean that.

I was working what seemed like a promising job but it was getting too toxic. Long story short, they expedited my two weeks (out of retaliation if we’re being 100% honest). Right before then, literally a month before, my car was stolen and totaled. I was living in uninhabitable living conditions that apparently is not a concern to anyone except me. I felt very stuck. My entire world came crashing down on me again. Except this time, I didn’t have a relative I could stay with. I didn’t even have a car to go get groceries with. It was the most trying time and I didn’t want to live anymore (another cycle).

Everyone seemed to flee and no one could help me. There was also the guilt of my situation and me not knowing how to escape it. I had to let my walls down to get support because this felt greater than me. And though I received some help, it still was excruciating. I, too, had to set boundaries/cut off some people due to them projecting my fears back to me. I was already in a delicate headspace but having someone you’re looking to for support say “that won’t work out for you” is a no-go, homie.

During this time of struggle, I said I need to do something to prevent this. You know, when you look yourself in the mirror and say “I can’t keep living like this, I can’t.” (High Fashion x Roddy Ricch). I do not ever want to be in this position again. But in order to end a cycle, you have to recognize why it is repeating. What did I do? The only thing I could- sit with this shit.

I meditated heavily, twice a day for around an hour. I made my self a schedule. I drank tea and journaled about every thing. I talked to my self, out loud. I pulled tarot cards and prayed for guidance. Affirmations became a ritual every morning and as I feel asleep. Losing every thing I had caused me to lose my sense of self. Who am I when my entire identity is stripped away? I can’t look outside my self and expect to receive that answer, because the external is a reflection of my internal. On some “as above, so below; as within, so without” shit.

I realized a few things. One: I don’t want to spend another fucking second working for someone else. Two: I can have the absolute best of the best. I deserve all that good shit. And three: The only thing cock-blocking me from my success is me. No one else matters. With these realizations, I vowed to my self that I’m going to replenish all that I lost but in a more fulfilling way. It’s like clearing house to make room for the upgrades. Think 5 of Cups energy- not all is lost. Because even though my reality was annihilated, my soul desires were able to shine through. I can see now, looking back, that none of that shit- not the job, the car, the people I was surrounding my self with- were in alignment for my higher good. I do believe every soul I cross holds a lesson for me to learn.

It’s been a rigid, bumpy ass ride to where I’m currently at. Shit, might even have whiplash if I’m keeping it real. But I know that how I feel should always prevail over what an external force suggests. At the end of my life, no one will be dying with me. No one will be looking back at my life and regretting the opportunities I missed. I ain’t taking that to the grave, I will not shrink for anyone. I know I am fully capable of achieving every thing I dream of. So if you’ve been stuck/hopeless lately, and if you’ve been drowning in losses- remember that there’s a lesson in this. Breathe, breathe, breathe. A loss is a redirection, which you most likely will not see at the time. You matter and without you here, the whole earth could be thrown off it’s orbit. So hang the fuck in there because we need you.

[icanfeelthekhaos]

I'm back again, probably with some depressing paragraph of sorts. I'm kinda glad no one really knows this account exists. It's like my depressing yet hopeful corner or tumblr I get to myself. Somewhere I can vent un-judged and these pixels just process the words I choose to type.

Well.. the past month has made me feel like falling back on my silence. To be seen and not heard? Kinda? Because I can't really be fully silent, my heart won't let me but I feel like Im being forced into silence. People and their narrow way of thinking, thinking about it know I'm already seen and not heard. I talk, I rip my heart open for the contents to spill out, raw, unchanged, true, honest and painful but it means nothing to anyone but me. Only I can feel my truth and honesty, only I can feel my pain and how raw it truly is. How it changes my life awake and sleeping how even to this very second it's reshaping my soul. Truth is I don't got to anyone anymore, not since what happened with the fake sun. I truly lost apart of me that day and I will never get that back.

I can't trust anyone and it's killing me. People say things to me, drop these hints of sorts, like they care but every fibre of my being tells me it's a lie. They all leave when the times right for them, when I fill my purpose. I don't really mean anything to anyone. Even my children will reach a point in their life where they'll no longer need me and they fade from my days. I should be grateful for where I am in my life right now but the truth is I'm afraid. I have these okay days and then I decline and it's scary. I feel like I'm backtracking all the progress I made to heal and to be mentally better. I don't have anything in my life currently that makes me feel incredibly happy. I did but like everything else I fucked it up. People who don't know a thing about me, about my life, my struggles, my pain or my thought process make comments about me like.. I'm some malicious..cruel person and I'm not.

You know a lot of my problems currently due to dissociation. It's the reason I struggle with my identity, ive apparently got this thing called dissociative amnesia, basically I can't remember shit not matter how hard I try. Conversations, events, dates, the day before sometimes. I have to keep a journal just so I can remember things. It's something I got as a packaged deal with PTSD. Dissociation is something created by a traumatic event where you have no control over a situation or you can't do anything to prevent it. You brain shuts down and throws into a different reality almost to deal with overwhelming emotions of pain. Perhaps that's why my ptsd attacks rock me so roughly? It's got back up. Another reason to fall back into silence perhaps? People are just gonna be fed up with this crumbling mess of a human I am.

So moral of todays...uh..thought dump? Silence it is. I'm done talking to people. Done reaching out and opening up. Tired of giving undeserving people parts of me they have no right to. I Kinda feeling burnt out and I really got to focus on my mindset and get it to a point where I'm not regressing. Past few weeks I've had a couple thoughts where I wished the overdose worked and I'm glad it didn't, but I can't let those thoughts better me again. I must be stronger. If I have to shut the world out but him to do that I will.

[a-v-j]

They freaking found me

Ok, so remember how i basically moved out from my old house about 3 months ago? I just wish to be forgotten but noooooo.

One ugly face i hoped to not see again till the day of their funeral, showed in front of my doorstep this morning. I DONT KNOW HOW, but FUUUUUUU

They gonna keep showing up now, threat me again with bullshit and demand some money that barely last ME a month, since they know where i am.

I need to accumulate about $500 to move again, the other rents here are more expensive than the one i currently live in

So people please commission me. I know i know i still got a list and is slow with it but i cant stand the idea of them coming back to harass me again, as if the slander they tell about me to my old neighborhood wasnt enough, all while playing victim. URGHHHHhhhh.

I really hate disclosing my real life issue but i really dont have money to do something about it and i don't want to be in debt to rl friends 'cause they are also broke

Update: we're still short on the goal but I guess a good news is that I figured out how i got found. Some snitch from the old neighborhood saw me and tattled like GOSH that's none of their business, man! Im trying to settle some business with them and im trying not to be violent, gotta keep my private life unsullied

Anyways, been on the process of finding a new home from the listing but so far not enough funds yet.

Update: i, uh, landed myself a job and training starts in about a week from now. We'll see where this will take me

Commission details can be found here

Paypal here

For support, my Patreon here(you'll get a glamrock bonnie sticker!)

Pasting rules here for everybody to see(for my page only. I could only pin one post but i have to paste my rules because there are followers who doesn't know these rules)

RULES FOR NEW COMERS

Most especially if it’s a newly-made account and/or empty blogs or obviously recently filled with with likes from my work to not look empty

*Don’t ask me for requests or free drawings, i only do that for my friends(or announced events)

*Make good first impression(dont just compliment me that won’t work)(whether if it’s dm or ask), otherwise you’ll be labeled as troll alt acc and will be blocked after 3 violations(no notices, no warning). Automatic block for those who intentionally violate rules

*Know my work first before trying to befriend me(genuine interest in my work=genuine interest in me)

*Know im not always nice but will try to keep things friendly as much as possible

*It’s ok to make a mistake, but don’t make the same mistake twice

*Take note i occasionally make 18+ skeleton materials so when you happen to bump into one and it’s totally not your cup of tea, know that it’s on you for not reading this pinned post

*I’m very keen in details, so better get names right if you want me to have a good impression on you

*Don’t do “what’s everyone’s reaction to this” “what do you think of my oc” in my Ask box. Ask one to two characters only because like you, i get tired drawing too. Unless the question including multiple characters of mine is answerable with words then ok

*Note that i answer asks in three ways; with words only(occasional old art for visuals), drawings(static or animated) or not answering at all. So in such case i dont answer immediately with words, then your ask might be answered with a drawing(or with a gif if it’s taking longer, no promises) or has been ignored due to technical difficulties that i don’t want to answer it.

*Do not submit to me your oc that isnt even related to my characters, im not gonna be some advertisement ad to showcase your stuff in my blog even if that’s not your intention and im not an art teacher who you be submitting your art to. Im sorry, i just can’t give any genuine opinion on things i didnt make or not interested in(it requires me to think harder than i should and I don’t want that) but im not saying your art is bad or anything

*Jesus, one ask from one person at a time. If curiosity gets the best of ya, compile it in one ask. Youre giving me quite a workout, kid

*If you get blocked, im sorry, but you didnt read the rules

*Do not ask me for my favorite things because my head usually doesnt keep record of what they are, I would try answer my friends of course

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[introvert--weeb]

Hiii! If you read the Jujutsu Kaisen manga, I'm pretty sure you know what happens to Nobara. Can I request a tokyo revengers where Toman gets caught up in the shibuya incident and sees y/n, their best friend get killed by Mahito in front of their eyes while y/n tells their final words to them while Itadori attacks Mahito. I just want angst lolol

I'm sure you all love breaking my heart... Getting the idea that maybe no-one wants me to be happy 😭💔 I'm obviously joking! I am the biggest sucker for angst, especially reader death ❤️

And of course! One of the very few mangas I'm actually caught up on 😊 Also, I am having the reader as a sorcerer as I feel this would be quite an interesting take on your request and I could run off a little bit.

Thank you for requesting and I hope you enjoy it!! ❤️ Sorry for how long this took to come out as well! 😭

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Toman with sorcerer!reader during Shibuya Incident (angst)

TW: mentions of curses, implied violence, reader death, very slight Shibuya Arc spoilers (JJK), language

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It was Halloween when this entire mess began. You had been ordered by the higher ups to assist in the fighting, and so that is how you had ended up in the situation you currently find yourself. In your mind, you were praying that the boys hadn't been caught up in all of this due to the risk it posed to civilians. Especially if Sukuna gets out.

Mikey and the others were caught up in all of the business. In fact, it was safe to say that everyone in Shibuya had been unwillingly roped into experiencing everything that was happening. However, their only goal was to try and find you so you could all get out together.

At the same time as the guys from Toman were on the search for you, you had come across Mahito. You were really a bad match-up when it came to the soul-shifting curse. After all, your cursed technique could only be used offensively within close combat and you didn't possess a second soul like Itadori. If you had the chance to run, you would have taken it but that was looking like it would never come.

The boys turned a corner, only to find you in the middle of a conflict with a tall blue-haired patch-work man. Having already heard about your second life as a sorcerer, it really didn't surprise them but it did cause concern. Recalling the other time, this event seemed entirely different and for once, Mikey and the others felt scared for your safety. So much so where Chifuyu called out to you, hoping it would get you to escape with them so everyone could be safe.

You didn't mean to lose focus on the fight, understanding that the moment you let your guard down is the moment Mahito will take advantage. In your mind, you simply had to keep the curse busy until Itadori or another sorcerer could take over. However, hearing the voices of your friends and panic over their safety gripping your heart, you had made a fatal mistake. You carelessly tried to kick at Mahito, only to move too slow and give the blue-haired curse an opening to grab your leg.

It was in that moment you realised how much you fucked up.

Itadori had been quick to arrive on the scene but it was too late. Mahito had grabbed you, enough time to change your soul. Enough time to force your own body and soul to kill you. Your body had been knocked back towards where Toman stood, Yuji taking over the fight. The pink-haired sorcerer wish he had arrived sooner but he couldn't dwell on that right now. He had to defeat Mahito before he can cause more death and damage.

Pain erupted from your chest as your soul went haywire. You really didn't understand how Mahito had changed the soul within you but it was the most pain you've ever felt. But as you were lay there, you saw familiar faces pop into your blurring vision. Toman. Questions and words muffled in your ears as if they had been stuffed full of cotton wool. You could barely make out their expressions through your depleting vision. Your time was coming, and faster than you would have liked it.

Shifting your gaze to the blurs which are their faces, you pulled your lips into a small, tired smile. You needed to reassure them that everything was going to be OK and that they needed to get as far from here as they could. Sucking in a shaky breath, you gathered the dwindling strength to say what you needed to.

"T-Thank you for e-everything... Now y-you need to get g-going before it's t-too late." Your words were split with heavy inhales as you felt yourself losing consciousness slowly. Death was taking you and no-one could do anything about it. But you had said what you needed, just hoping that the boys would follow your words. They needed to run.

Draken had to drag Mikey and Chifuyu as the boys did follow what you said. They all knew it wasn't safe to remain there yet they couldn't stop the tears that prickled at their eyes. Mikey was yelling for his best friend to let him go so they could get you help. That if Draken let go, you could be saved.

But it was too late for that. You had gone, a soft smile on your pale face as your dull eyes stared at the sky. You were free from the pain.