icanfeelthekhaos

[icanfeelthekhaos]

You are everything I ever dreamed of, everything perfectly imperfect.

My heart will forever be yours and if you ever left me, I know I’d never truly love again because I’d look for you in every person I ever tried to move on with.

Being with you is like watching every beautiful sunrise that ever graced the earth since the day I was born. Like waking up to the first snowfall before Christmas. You made me believe in soulmates, in twin flames and a universal connection that’s out of our control but completely down to the universe. To a higher power.

You complete me completely.

I love, love…love you. All of you. The good. The bad, The Ugly & The crazy. I accept you for who you are and what you offer me, big or little.

I love you. IJM 🖤

[icanfeelthekhaos]

He is everything beautiful, even if he doesn’t know it.

He’s the light guiding me through my dark days, he’s the fire I feel in my soul, he’s the feeling you get when you get to talk about something you’re passionate about. He makes me feel 110% sure that everything he says to me is truth and honest. Any doubts I have stem from past traumas and self insecurity and yet he quiets the voices quicker than anyone.

I could get lost in his eyes forever, they make me feel like I could take on the world so long as I had them to stare into. For someone who’s suffered so much in life, he still gives and hates to receive. 3’823 miles away from me and he’s treated me better than anyone who was a foot away.

We’ve rescued eachother hearts, and shown eachother compassion and understanding. Loyalty. He’s consumed my heart and my mind. He makes everything worth fighting for. He brings peace.

Finally I know how Bella felt when she wrote everything about Edward. Suddenly it clicked.

[icanfeelthekhaos]

Where do I start. So much has happened so much has affected me and for some reason I feel so off.

Me and my baby are fine. My children are also fine. I think it’s just me in myself. My headspace and what’s on my mind. I feel like I’m fighting this daily invisable fight that not even I understand fully ya know? Like damn. Wtf is going on in me?

Im trying to be everything to everyone again. The perfect person but I’m not perfect and I can’t be everything to everyone it isn’t possible. I know that. So why am I pushing myself so hard?

[icanfeelthekhaos]

It’s strange how we fight change but when our partner needs to, we so willing to change with them. It’s gonna be hard but it’ll be worth it. My kids deserve a mom to be proud of, not a coward and they need a role model.

I’m tired of making excuses and in pain or not, I’m getting it done. My mental health will NOT win this war. I’m going to. 🖕🏻

[icanfeelthekhaos]

Guys, I was told I suffer from chronicle migraines today, that’s what I’ve had the last 3 years apparently. Another hard pill to swallow but I’ll figure it out, I always do right?

I have the most incredible boyfriend at my side, the most amazing small group of friends supporting me and my family. I’ll be okay, one day at a time and one step at a time.

I miss him y’all, My Home, My Heart, My soul. I hate being away from him. Unable to feel his fingers laced in mine, his lips on my forehead and the comfort in the strength of his arms. I wanna go home. That’s all I want right now. I just want him.

LDR’s Suck.

[icanfeelthekhaos]

I laid down tonight and cuddled his hoodie, I instantly cried. Because of how much I miss the peace he brought me and the way he calmed my mind and made everything feel okay. The way he cared for me so I didn’t have to always do it myself because he cared about me.

I miss him so much it’s physically painful. The trip feels like a dream like it never really happened. Then I play back the videos and the void in me is even bigger. I miss my puzzle piece. I miss my soulmate. I miss my best friend.

[icanfeelthekhaos]

I find myself thinking of him, and then suddenly, I want to lay down and close my eyes to imagine his taste, touch and face.

I want to remember every detail of how his skin felt, the colour of his arms hair and the way his lips felt against mine.

How I so badly wish I could roll over at night to taste them, just one more time..

[icanfeelthekhaos]

Just smoking looking at the stars and I came to this wild thought, I believe in my boyfriend more than I believe in god.

I know a lot of people in his life talk about gods will and such, but the man’s lost so much and still does every day and he’s supposed to believe in gods will?

No.

I believe in him, I believe he can have a beautiful life. One that one day he can look back and say, I did that. It wasn’t gods will or some other force. Him, himself and he did that.

He will do amazing things on this earth. I believe it.

[icanfeelthekhaos]

I’m 72 days in.

When I said this man was life changing, he really is. On the 1st of April and I stayed with him for 8 days in the americas. The trip was magical, he was magical.

I felt like I was in a dream, like I travelled to a different world. The plane helped me realise we lived on the same world but so many miles apart. It was painful to come home but good things are happening here.

I’ve been offered a house to live in until we find a permanent home. A house!? Generous people have offered me things to fill it when if I was alone it would have been empty.

What magic this man is bringing me, I live for it. My little good luck charm 🤍

[icanfeelthekhaos]

Something good seemed to have happened in my life, when I was broken up with almost a year ago I sat in my room alone and prayed for the first time in years life. I begged actually for something good to happen, something to help me through being homeless. Something to help me with my afflictions, something to guide me and my kids through the hardest part of our lives. I don’t really believe in god, but, I think I do now.

Well… a god at least. Someone heard me.

I met this man, yes I know what you’re thinking but, he’s treated me like no one else. He’s patient and kind, his honest with me and he doesn’t lie, even about things he’s ashamed of. Things he wants to change. He stares at me like I stare at the stars. He thinks I’m beautiful when I hate my reflection in the mirror and wanna take scissors to parts of my body.

He wants and values me. I’ve become his rock and he’s become my world. We’ve been together a month and 2 weeks. I’m terrified, but this was the second time he’s been placed on my path and I took a shot at it.

We always say we have nothing to loose risking a relationship, when the reality is we have everything to lose. We lost them and apart of ourselves. We get chipped away at. Mind, body & soul.

This man is wounded and battle worn like but he was willing to give me a shot. He’s as scared as I am. He’s as wild as I am. He’s as truthful as I am and I truly think he’s come into my life because I begged a god to give me something life changing.

He IS life changing. 🤍

[icanfeelthekhaos]

There’s something unreal about sitting in a room you tried to take your own life in. Like, it could have all ended here. Ya know? Just food for thought.

[icanfeelthekhaos]

It’s 6am. I had relatively good day today and then I got slapped in the face with a panic attack. It’s the worst one of 2024. I couldn’t breath, my chest was tight like someone was sat on it, my hands and my arms went tingly and numb and they cramped up to a point where I couldn’t open them and I panicked even more.

I needed my hands to seek help in my friends. In the people I trusted with me when my mind goes to dark places and I loose control and I didn’t even have that.

I don’t understand what triggered me, what pushed me over the edge and why I didn’t realise. I usually catch them but this time it was silent and deadly. Why do I feel like these mental illnesses take more from me every time I have them. It’s like it chips away at my soul every time.

But I’ve found someone. I reached out and her was there for me. He kept me focused and I ended the night vulnerable but with a smile on my face. I can only hope I’m given a break while I sleep, even though I know my night terrors are worse after an attack.

I will beat this. I’m better than my past. 🫶🏻

[icanfeelthekhaos]

Dear 2023.

We started out with a shit show. I was so raw even the air burnt my skin, I was so.. small and insignificant to the world around me. I was in pain and I had no body to blame but me. I understand that now. I couldn’t trust anybody. I couldn’t reach out after what happened on September 29th 2022.I was crushed. Sore. Empty. I didn’t understand why I woke up and truth be told some days I still wonder why I did. Then you brought me someone who made me smile and feel safe, Happy, At peace, Comfortable, even if it was just for a little while. I’m grateful for that. I needed that to jumpstart my heart and you knew that. That’s why you send them my way. Not everybody is bad. Someone people are simply fighting their own war. That’s okay. You took them away as easily as you gave them to me and at first I was crushed, but I never let it drag me back down, even when it felt like it was. I fought. I fought back so hard for what I believed in, for what I loved, for what I wanted my future to be. Then the what if’s became more painful than the truth. Yet 2023, you have hardened me. Made me stronger. You taught me lessons I never wanted but I needed. So thank you. I’ll cherish the memories you gave me forever. You’ll be on my heart just like a tattoo, I’ll always have you there. You may have gone but I still see you there in the back of my mind reminding me of what I’m worth. Everything you ever taught me. What I’m capable of if I truly believe I can do it. I do. I’ll look back at those videos, I’ll smile and I’ll remember that feeling I had. Thank you for shaping me. Helping me say no. Reminding me of what’s most important in the world. I will finish 2023 will a smile on my face, love in my beating heart and a respect for life I failed to have before. You’ve given me friends. You taken some away. You closed doors but open more than you shut. You showed me just because one door closes, doesn’t mean there aren’t any more to take. I just have to try another door.

2023, I won’t miss you, not one bit but I’ll respect you for the rest of my life.

Yours Truly.

[icanfeelthekhaos]

Im stood outside right now, starting at the moon. But I also realised in my nervous pacing that every time i exit my door apart of me wishes you were there on the other side but I know you ever will be..

[icanfeelthekhaos]

Just want somebody to fight for me, be afraid to loose me. Be so scared of me being not in their life that they try everything in their power to keep me. My everything isn’t enough anymore and nobodys scared to lose me.

Im utterly replaceable to everybody.

[icanfeelthekhaos]

Ive never felt more alone 😕

[icanfeelthekhaos]

To anyone who give a fuck.

The survival version of me ISN’T me.

It’s me grabbing for anything to keep my head above the water, it’s me trying to survive after spending years alone and having to save myself because no one was willing to jump into the darkest, deepest water to help me from drowning. It’s me panicking because I was never taught how to swim. It’s me using my last bit of energy to stay afloat because I fear if I sink I’ll never be able to reach the surface again. It’s like my fingers are just about to break the surface of the water but never quite reaches it.

What IS me

Its me being an idiot, because I don’t have to think or worry of care of the company I keep. If I’m stupid around you I’m comfortable. It’s me willing to fight anybody when it comes to you. It’s me asking how your days been, if you looking after yourself because I think about that constantly. Me is compassionate, selfless and loving. Me is protective and territorial because I protect what I love the most. Me is talking absolute garbage and making people think wtf because, well, that’s me. Me is not a lier or a back stabbed. The real me is loyal and forgiving and trustworthy. Im the real me.

And I’m so so sorry, if anybody was around me when I was slipping from the real me to survival me and you got pushed out and to the side. Im sorry if I ever made a promise I couldn’t keep because I was so busy trying to keep myself alive.

The real me drowns in guild every day. The real me wants people to see the real me, not survival me.

Me.

#survival #me #therealme #mentalhealth