#i always write the smallest things for matt idk why

[chrissdollie]

based on this photo hehe

“baby your laces are untied” you point out to your little girl's tiny sketchers. she stops walking to drop her head down towards her feet. you were walking hand in hand with her, you on the right and your husband matthew on her left. he smacks his lips. “nah don’t worry, daddy’s gotchu.” he bends down and taps his knee, allowing her to put her small sneaker on his jeans. you, still holding her chubby hand, hold yours up so she’s steady and balanced.

“all done babycakes.” he taps her foot gently before setting it back on the ground and leaning into her face for his thanks. she leans forward to kiss his cheek sweetly. “fank you daddy.”

[flowers-by-the-bed]

Just ignore this it’s just for me to try and organise myself because idk what to do right now aside from cut myself up and hit my head and I’m trying my fucking best to not do that. But as always I need the knowledge that my thoughts are “out there” rather than just writing somewhere private in order to feel like it’s helped me. Not that I have much hope for that anyway. I was doing so so well, moving on, making progress, taking control of things, finding good influences to be around and getting my work done and it all gets shattered over nothing or when my meds don’t work as well as they should. Everything in my life and everything about me is so fragile and built on such fragile foundations and however stable or genuine the changes I make seem, they are nothing. Even if my mood flips again tomorrow and things magically get better, it doesn’t make my emotions any less strong right now, and it would definitely flip back to this as soon as the next stressor happens. I hate it.

I wrote out a huge post about all my feelings earlier and it made me feel better but I went to post it and the fucking connection got fucked and it deleted itself and that alone has sent me spiralling and im so upset and angry and that just says everything, i almost threw my laptop at the wall but threw my phone instead. I’ve been trying to remember what I said because it made me feel better but I just keep crying and hitting things and myself and I cannot shake it, and that’s my reality rn

_____

I’m so exhausted being me and being this mess and I don’t want to even try anymore. Whatever I do and however much I think I make progress, I always end up back in this situation with no triggers or warning. No progress or motivation is worth it because I will never be fixed or stable and there isn’t a guide to navigate this. Why should I try and move forward when within three days this can happen and I’m back at square one. Either my meds were faulty or this is just me but who the fuck cares which it is because either way I’m just a fucking incapable piece of shit. There is no reason I should flip this quickly and feel so strongly over literally nothing but tiny normal inconveniences and the level that I hate myself because of everything and just in general is too much. I hated myself anyway but EUPD moods make it so much worse and so much more intense and I literally cannot do anything close to normal functioning when this happens. My dad came round to check how I was and I cried for a while but then I was ready to try and go out the house with him, but I saw myself in the mirror and had a complete breakdown and cried in bed for hours and didn’t speak. I’m fucking pathetic but I can feel all of the fucking fat on my body everywhere and it feels like a disease, I disgust myself. I couldn’t move or even think about going outside because I couldn’t and still cant stand the thought of anyone seeing my body. It’s vile and I hate it and even when I have a few good weeks and start eating normal amounts again, seeing my body sends me back into a spiral and I regret ever eating at all. I’m crying now because it just feels like you can see the fat expand by the minute and it makes my anxiety and anger and sadness go haywire. I don’t want to try anymore I’m exhausted trying to pretend that one day I’ll get fixed and I’ll be stable enough for myself that I can lead a normal life but it just isn’t possible. I want to drop dead because this is not living. I am exhausted of my thoughts making me think of the most triggering things when I know full well I am already bad enough that I want to die and hurt myself, and just sinking lower into that spiral until I scare myself about what I’m going to do. Every single month there is something that brings me back to this place where I remember that no matter what progress I’ve made, it’s all fake and down to some fucking pills. And as soon as those get taken away, I’m back to being some pathetic waste of space and effort who’s almost 25 and unable to even control their fucking emotions even at the bare minimum level so I can function. I felt so guilty with my dad here and me just being a wreck and unable to talk or go outside. It’s pathetic. I don’t know why I deserve a head that hates me this much and can’t do it’s only fucking job. I’m tired of faking it and tired of hating myself and tired of knowing that for as long as my life lasts, this is all it’s going to be. And it isn’t a life. It isn’t fair and I don’t know why I had to end up like this. EUPD is ugly and it is vile and eventually, whenever it happens, this will be what kills me. The only things that distracted me even a little was my dad coming over and keeping me busy before I fell back into that hole and Matt messaging me, because it grounded me a little for an hour or so because it was nice to interact when it’s been months, but it didn’t work for long. Those aside, I just want to be someone else. It’s too much, I don’t know how to get my thoughts out, I can’t get the anger out even when I hurt myself or break things, it’s like drowning in self-hate to the degree that you cannot see anything else. I just want to sleep and wake up and have this whole stupid fucking disorder and brain gone or a bad dream.  It’s not hard to see why I don’t achieve anything, I will never get to my full potential because of my brain and the boat has pretty much already sailed on me achieving the things I wanted to with my work anyway. Because of how incapacitated I have always been during education because of this. It’s not hard to see why people leave, why I am too much to handle. I flip so quickly and the anger expects others to understand what’s going on when in reality I don’t have any idea either. I need validation and then I don’t want a thing from them. It’s too much. I don’t blame anyone. I blame myself. Every aspect of my life gets fucked up by my inability to control myself or my thoughts or feelings and this is just a huge fucking pity party for me to try and organise my thoughts, just so that for the rest of today, I might be able to move my head away from them now. I’m exhausted. I’m angry. I’m upset. I’m detached from 90% of the people in my life and I don’t care. I just want to hide until I drop or until just one area of my life makes sense. If I could hate myself less and not want to puke and cry and cut every time I saw my body, I’d be able to come with the sad and the angry. If I didn’t react so strongly to the smallest triggers, or felt stable, or stable in my relationships, or able to trust ANYONE, I’d be able to deal with hating myself a little better. If I didn’t read meaning into everything people say and misinterpret things, or have such a strong emotional reaction to people speaking to me or whatever then I’d have more stable relationships and I could cope better with the rest. If I didn’t have such bad anxiety affecting most of my life, the EUPD in general would be easier to control. If I didn’t feel this inability or desire to share with the people in my life who actually do care, I’d find things easier to deal with and would have an actual support system. But by my own design and suspicion and refusal to overshare and burden people directly, I’m a fucking mess. Everything hitting me at the same time, at 400% power, it incapacitates me. I wish I didn’t have a personality disorder so I knew exactly what I’m actually like, and not constantly wondering what is me and what is an illness. I wish I wasn’t anxious so I trusted people’s intentions and could be myself instead of reining myself in and being terrified of being bad at things or embarrassing myself, and never making progress with anything or anyone because of it. I wish I had a healthy relationship with food. I wish I didn’t self harm. I wish I wasn’t depressed. I just want to be someone else and be a real adult. Life is hard enough without an arsenal of chemical imbalances and broken mental Schemas. I was doing SO well and it equates to nothing. I don’t want to be a 24 year old pathetic mess of a person. It’s too much. Although I do it to myself because I’m not someone who enjoys talking directly to people about my problems and I’d never want to burden them, it’s alienating and hard to try and function without explaining what is wrong.

[mygirlblossoms]

Greatest Parts of the Coalition Handbook

Okay I'm writing these bullets as I read it so its all gonna be under the cut (it’s gonna be long and have spoilers)

Also this is both greatest parts and a low-key summary

“In Memory of the Castle of Lions”

Pidge is a GOD at tic-tac-toe

“Well, what are you waiting for? The dark threat of the Sincline beast is upon us! Might as well start reading, eh?” -Coran

Picture of all the paladins 

Especially Blaytz in there my daddi

PIDGE’S DRAWING OF HER, KEITH, HUNK, AND LANCE

brb crying its so cute

Pidge commenting on how she's #1 in Coran’s heart

Coran missing helping Alfor with his socks

LANCE TELLING CORAN HIS AND ALFOR’S SHIP NAME WOULD BE CORALFOR

Also coran calling it a celebrity friendship name

Hunk’s comments on Shiro’s page

“Shiro always makes sure that everyone around him feels comfortable. Except for Zarkon. He didn’t really want to make Zarkon comfortable. I mean, I don’t think anyone wanted to make Zarkon comfortable. Zarkon was the worst.”

Sheith

What Lance misses about earth “Hanging with my niece and nephew and eating garlic knots”

HANCE BECOMING CANNON

Keith’s comment on the bottom being about the bonding moment and Lance not replying

That being the only comment Lance didn’t reply to

“Lance is an integral part of the Voltron team. Do not let his wisecracking behavior deceive you. Lance is fully equipped with the intellect and physical prowess to handle anything that comes his way.”

We love Lance being validated and praised in this house

what makes allure happy being seeing her fathers legacy continue

and drinking milkshakes

me too

I love allura

Lance saying Allura says his name like a rich person

Allura’s mom name reveal

its melenor

King Alfor, Queen Melenor, and Princess Allura

Kallura is canon

HALLURA IS CANNON

Tsundere vibes from Keith

LANCE SAYING HE LIKES KEITH’S MULLET

The entire team supporting Keith tbh

Pidge’s fucking dog is named Bae-Bae

PALLURA IS REAL 

Allura emphasizing that Pidge is always valued and loved

“on earth you never feel alone” HUNK BABY I LOVE YOU

“I fear loneliness above all else” HUNK BABY DIUGHSDJKNSFGDHJK

Keith saying Hunk is so much more than a leg

Hunk getting the love and validation he deserves tbh

Why does kaltenecker have so much bio

Everyone being uncomfortable about the fact milk comes from cows

Lance being the designated milker

SPACE MICE

They have names!!!!!!!!

Platt (the chubby one), Chulatt (the smallest), Plachu (the blue tinted one), and Chuchule (the purple tinted one)

The mice outing Lance’s love for Allura again

The little section for the fallen blade members ):

Thace, Ulaz, Antok,and Regris

MY SUGAR MAMA KROLIA IS IN HERE

the spread of the rebels with Matt I love matt

why the fuck is slav in here

PIDGE’S DRAWING OF SLAV

can we have a pidge artbook

“There is a 99.9 percent chance you don’t want to be around Slav.”

The 2 pages on Ozar and Te-Osh :’)

HIGHLIGHTS OF MATTS PAGES

him being a supportive af brother

him thinking he’d never see his family again :(

“he was all buff and stuff” -pidge

THE SPREAD ON SAM DJHFKSJ

“What I miss most about home: having the family all together. I worry we will never do that again”

“Something I’m not afraid to admit: I think Colleen is going to yell at me for not taking the kids back to Earth with me. Sorry, Colleen. If you ever read this, I love you, sweetie.”

Sam is such a family man I love him so much

Lance’s favorite planet being “the mermaid planet”

Hunk’s is a nacho planet

Side note: pidge knows that Lotor killed Narti???

MORE PIDGE DRAWINGS

this time, clouds

Keith wants to record all the names of the brave fallen warriors on Marchanda :(

Theres a whole page on the space hospital I'm

Idk who is writing - Coran I think - but he brings up NYC? How do they even know what NYC is (the writer says they’re Altean)

PIDGE DREW BIBO BII

Okay, coran is writing this. How tf does he know about NYC bagels

Coran saying that Allura and Lotor “Romantically linked” and pidge saying they kissed and then Coran saying “We all make bad decisions sometimes!”

“Honerva and Haggar are two different people. Haggar is a twisted version of what was once so beautiful and pure”

Zarkon is afraid of cats

[About Ezor] “The Galra value honor, and camouflaging yourself isn’t exactly honorable” -Keith 

DAMN 

EVEN MORE PIDGE DRAWINGS 

you know what I’m going to make a separate post about pidge’s drawings

She drew a smiling Voltron if you’re wondering

I love Keith for his lil comments 

“The [black] lion believed in me before I believed in myself” -Keith

[Keith about Red] “I’m going to be honest. I was surprised with how fast Red responded to Lance since she nearly let me die, but he totally deserves to be flying with her.” “Aww, thanks, Keith. That might be the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.”

Klance is cannon king

ALLURA WIRITNG “IM A LEG!” ON BLUE’S PAGE I LOVE HER SHES SO CUTE

Okay so at the end of the book theres a letter from Coran saying look out for Lotor and the Sincline beast because they’re bad news and to call Voltron if you see them basically

THEN THE BACK OF THE BOOK HAS LIKE 5 PAGES OF A LETTER FROM LOTOR

ITS LIKE BACKWARDS TOO LIKE THE PAGES ARE FLIPPED YOU HAVE TO TURN THE BOOK AROUND TO READ IT 

So highlights/summary from his letter introducing himself in ‘his own words’

“Through my leadership - and not Voltron’s - we can create an empire that even my father, Zarkon, would have been fearful of. Together, we can do this. Together, we will fight on. If you are with me, please keep reading. These pages will include an insider’s look at MY empire and why we need Quintessence for ALL of us.”

Okay this whole thing is petty I'm - I love lotor

“To enter HQ you need to come through the landing bay. There, you will meet with a phalanx of sentries. These banners show that I am not, in fact, as bloodthirsty or cutthroat as the PALADINS have made me seem.” 

You tell em bby

He also mentions the “cool” sentry. He also mentions their cool cafeteria you can use if you join him. God, I love Lotor

Introduces all the Galran contenders for the throne

Known Pervious Galran Rulers

“Zarkon: powerful, yes. Flawed? Also, yes.”

There’s one of the stills from when Zarkon (?) was having flashbacks of the OG paladins and its of Alfor and Zarkon shaking hands and I love them so much Blaytz is there too 

Basically says that if you join his empire they will take down Voltron and bring real peace to the universe 

“Now doesn’t that sound BETTER than some measly coalition led by a bunch of weak Earth people? I thought so!”

“I am afraid I don’t have much more to say, other than thanking you for reading my letter. Together, with the Sincline beast, we will end Voltron and bring about peace to the universe.”

“How’s that for your coalition, Voltron?”

[dazzling-ji]

aesthetic themed ask list

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself?

probably halo? still riding off the performance high tbh

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?

can’t think of anything that i would want to know immediately that i couldn’t just wait for confirmation in prayer about...

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

so far? taking the steps necessary to actually pursue my dreams

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise?

kbbq with friends

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?

probably tell my parents how i feel about them, same to my friends

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things?

not really. i have things i’d like to do, tho

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail.

as in a human being? um, she has obscenely small hands. her face is like shiny and red perpetually. she is tiny. she gets really excited over the smallest things, i.e. her cats or the sight of a corgi. lowkey highkey hates her hair unless it’s short. bane of my existence.

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood?

bruh i wish. literally still trying to console younger me with each day.

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person?

lowkey cried in front of my therapist as i told him i don’t cry in front of people. idk if he noticed or not (IT’S CUZ HE KEPT STARING AT ME WITH THOSE BIG SAD EMPATHETIC BLUE EYES. I DON’T NEED EMPATHY!!!) but the tears were threatening and i was threatening the tears.

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them.

bruh, had to describe a human for the last one but this time i won’t. my best friend nam shin iii. because i love him and he’s great. wish he were real so i could teach him english and he could teach me korean and i could help him romance his girlfriend. 

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them?

i did when i was first meeting my therapist lol. i don’t trust people enough to do stuff like that.

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you?

probably ye olde tiny handed one. she’s the only one who would try to stay up that late with me. doesn’t mean i don’t have to deal with her sleep delirium.

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom?

it’d either be to myself or my mom. something along the lines of letting them know their worth.

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes?

they aight. blue eyes are really scary 90% of the time. brown eyes make more sense to me.

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally.

“different doesn’t mean wrong” said by one of my late faves, who i honestly felt was a kindred spirit 99.999% best friend match to me. not gonna get into why the quote is so deep to me, all i’ll say is it allowed me to breathe.

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far?

indigko

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars?

pay off debts, travel, save, give to charities/church, save some more, maybe make a trust fund? 

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way?

with God, yeah. by myself? depends. i can be kind of hypocritical and times.

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self.

guess i know what to tag this ask meme now

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel?

punk for sure.

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain.

super cool. was thinking of getting either a septum or normal nose ring. wish tattoos made a bit more sense on dark skin, but either way they’re super painful so maybe i lucked out.

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not?

i don’t. don’t wanna ruin my skin and i like the natural look over a beat face. i like people looking realistic if that makes sense?

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way.

so many people to talk about, but my ex-fave prince helped me realize i was ace.

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them.

i wouldn’t. at least not rn, don’t have anything revolutionary to tell em. maybe something like “Please remember we’re dealing with human beings” or along those lines, because I’m tired of reading about racists and human rights violations who real life be forgetting that aside from differences in race/gender/sexuality/etc/etc we are all human and worthy of love.

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel.

stromae @ msg - super fun! wish the people behind me didn’t try to waste my time and sit at a dance music concert.

nai palm @ brooklyn (i forget the venue) - also super great. it was great to actually see her irl, and allowed me to realize i can actually socialize without too much problem.

garth brooks @ mercedes benz - yikes ppl in the south RLY like their country music huh?

kimbra @ brooklyn (also forget the venue) - LIVE MUSIC CAN BE SO EXPERIMENTAL AND FUN. kind of reminded me of what i’d heard seeing prince irl was like.

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say?

NYU - You have no outstanding balances. We have a $1 mil scholarship that will be applied to your account as of today. We love you. In fact, we’re gonna wipe away all your student loan debt and ensure no one in your family has to worry about paying for anything ever again in their lives.

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised?

my desk always gets cluttered with papers and stuff. but i really do prefer working at a desk rather than a bed. 

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine?

stall as long as possible until i REALLY need to go to sleep. grumble as i lazily brush my teeth and rinse my retainer. lie in bed and watch youtube for anywhere between 30 min to 3 hrs before actually turning off.

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know?

call me crazy, but i want my parents to know about me and *gasp* like what they realize. like lemme tell em i’m ace and have them not freak out, idk. 

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why?

blue or purple. but probably a wig or something impermanent. 

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do?

THE FAB FIVE. WHY AM I SO DUMB. we’d go makeover their next person on queer eye OR even better we’d just hang out

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them.

1. the aforementioned letter from nyu because i deserve it, ok?

2. a life i don’t feel like i have to run away from because i hate living like this but feel powerless to change it.

3. a cool best friend i could go cool places with, because i wanna go cool places

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up.

i cosplay’d as Taemin during the Ace era. It was cool because it basically was my style, so I felt super confident all day looking my best.

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high?

I do neither. But the craziest thing I did half-asleep was convince myself I could still talk to the aforementioned tiny handed weirdo and answer her questions though my head was firmly planted on my pillow and i was neatly tucked under my sheets. like i really thought homegirl could read my thoughts and find the answers she needed to her questions. 

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars?

like donald trump

storms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why?

maybe one person - i’d see myself the way God sees me so I wouldn’t be so powerless against my insecurities and the fake people in the world all the time.

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realize you’re in love.

idk? i’m ace and aro and very aesthetically drawn, so i really don’t know if i ever have. 

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair?

i prefer myself with longer hair tbh.

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?

hot chocolate if i wanna blend in. otherwise a strawberry acai refresher. i trust any of my friends because it’s really not that deep.

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now?

gaining self-confidence so i can step more firmly into my calling.

fin.

[notnaturalanahi]

Unexpected Love Encounter

Pairing/Characters: Dean x Reader

Word count: 992

Warnings: Idk, language? Fluff 

A/N: I’m here to present you with some some Dean fluff while I attempt to write some filtly smut (Sam x Reader x Benny... Senny? x Reader). I remember  someone whispering that to me when I signed up for this one challenge @impala-dreamer do you remember?

[Feedback is love!!] 

Unexpected Love Encounter

You watch him open the refrigerator door for the third time in ten minutes and sigh. "Haven't you figured out that there's no food in there yet?" You say with an ironic tone without taking your eyes from the laptop screen.

"There's not even beer" Dean walks over to the kitchen table, stomping his barefeet of the marble floor.

"I told you guys we needed to get groceries yesterday!"You sass looking up so you can stare at him.

"Itoldyouguysweneededtogetgroceriesyesterday" Dean repeats on a high pitch voice mocking you.

With a roll of your eyes you close the laptop. "Gimme your keys I need to take a break anyway, I'll go to the grocery store" You extended your hand.

"No way in hell Y/N! The last time you took my baby you scratched her!" He folds his big arms into his broad chest.

"I told you it wasn't my fault; the parking space was too tight because of the asshole that parked next to me! And that was like forever ago, you need let it go, Elsa!"

“It was four days ago.” Dean glares.

“Oh my god! You’re so obsessed with your car you keep count?” You finish with a little laugh, and he gives you a stern look.

"Ok, then come with me, you drive. Hm?"

"Umm Ok, let me get my shoes."

"Awesomeeee!”

On your way to town, you turn on the radio and sang along with some tunes, Dean smiles at the fact that you cannot sing but you do it anyhow. When you park on the store lot you slide the sunshade down to look yourself in the little mirror, taking and eyeliner and a matte lipstick to retouch your makeup from your little purse.

"Really, you’re putting on makeup, now?" Dean whines and keep the door open but doesn’t get out of the car just yet.

"What? You never know when you are gonna bump into the arms of a hot guy and end up in an unexpected love encounter .” You wink at him, “you're so lucky you don't need makeup, you’re gorgeous!" and stretch your hand to pinch his cheek.

He waves your hand off. "You don't need makeup either, you know?”

You stare at him for a moment too long. "Pff yeah right!"

"Seriously!” Dean says as you both climb out of the car and slams his hand on baby’s roof, not to hard, but enough to let you wonder, ‘what the hell?”

"Um.. Yeah.. Right" You say again, sarcastically.

In the store you grab a basket and start walking up and down the aisles, taking almost everything you need. "OK, I'm going this way” You point over your shoulder with your thumb. “We can meet up the register line"

"What? Why? I have nothing to do, I'll go with you."

“Sure?” You sigh "Look, I have to pick up tampons"

"Oooh, and you don't want me to... see them?" Dean shrugs.

"I actually don't really mind, I-I thought maybe, I don’t know... you may get uncomfortable. You know, like most guys?"

"Nah, most guys are morons anyway. So, let's go" He nudges you with his shoulder making you stumble a bit.

"Umm what are these?" You look at him just as you find your brand, Dean’s holding a bag of maxi pads. While trying to control your laugh you explain him what they are, and then answer some other question he had about feminine products.

You reach the register and place the items for the clerk to scan them, the cashier guy starts flirting a bit with you, making you blush. Dean glowers at him.

“Um.. Its $67.31” The guy says a bit timid.

“Pay up!" You instruct Dean.

“What?”

“Yeas...Slide your credit card through that thingy so we can take the stuff home and stuff our faces” you say slowly making a hand movement so he can understand.

Dean takes his wallet out of his back pocket and hands in the card eyeing you suspiciously. "What happened to your card?”

"What card?"

"The one I help you pay last month?"

"Ooh you mean that card…” You chuckle and roll your eyes. “I over charged it" you confess almost whispering.

"Already Y/N seriously!?" You don't say anything and then walked out of the store.

You’re avoiding eye contact at all cost, knowing he’s gonna lecture you the moment his green perfect eyes meet yours. A you place the bags on the trunk you share the smallest glance and that’s it.

"What do you always do that?" He asks, and doesn’t sound mad at all.

"Do what?"

"Buy stuff you don't really need and end up borrowing money from me or Sam?"

"But I-I need those clothes and makeup and shoes... To-to look pretty" you say biting the inside of your cheek looking down at your new black oxfords, embarrassed because they costed a fortune.

"You are pretty" You frown at his words.

"No I'm not. Not naturally at least" You shrug.

"Damn it Y/N!!" Dean raises his voice and you can feel the anger in it. He walks towards you pinning you against the back door.

You look at his arms at both sides of your head and then up at him with a questioning look.. "You are pretty, you are beautiful!! I never met anyone more beautiful than you…” He admits with a sigh “Your face, your hair, your body, your personality… your brains… All of you. You are perfect, Y/N! Why can’t you see that?"  

Your eyes widen, dumbfounded, mouth agape, and before you can even think of an answer he ducks his face down and press his lips to yours, It’s a hard, desperate and passionate kiss, and without knowing it you’re kissing him back.

You finally let go, and part the kiss but not before your lungs burn for air.  

“You are the most beautiful person I ever met Y/N. I love you.”

Forevs: @nadiandreu7 @captain-princess-rose @loveitsallineed @whywhydoyouwantmetosaymyname @deathtonormalcy56 @death2thevirgin @mogaruke @isis278 @marygracewinchester @lbug1025 @babypieandwhiskey @impala-dreamer @authoressskr @fangirl1802 @ria132love 

Dean/Jensen: @anokhi07 @leather-moccasin-hero @hunterintraining1967 

Pond (Dean-Fluff): @aprofoundbondwithdean @manawhaat   @thing-you-do-with-that-thing @nichelle-my-belle @leatherwhiskeycoffeeplaid  @bkwrm523 @salvachester @whispersandwhiskerburn @lipstickandwhiskey @roxy-davenport @samsgoddess @wildfirewinchester @frenchybell  @for-the-love-of-dean @mysupernaturalfics @spn-fan-girl-173 @deandoesthingstome @cici0507 @fiveleaf @deansleather @curliesallovertheplace @waywardjoy @mrswhozeewhatsis  @imadeangirl-butimsamcurious @kayteonline @supernatural-jackles  @wevegotworktodo @ilovedean-spn2 @jpadjackles @quiddy-writes @wi-deangirl77 @deantbh @supermoonpanda  @sinceriouslyamellpadalecki @deanwinchesterforpromqueen @chaos-and-the-calm67 @memariana91 @plaidstiel-wormstache @teamfreewill-imagine @chelsea-winchester @fandommaniacx @writingbeautifulmen  @lucibae-is-dancing-in-hell @castieltrash1 @supernaturalyobessed @mysaintsasinner @ohwritever @ruined-by-destiel @inmysparetime0 @winchester-writes @deals-with-demons @maraisabellegrey @faith-in-dean If you don’t want me to tag you anymore just say the word

[survivormarmoreal]

Episode #11: "okay so heres the tea mawmaw henny... anyways" - Bryce

I guess i wasnt right to be paranoid but doesnt feel good knowing your name was used as a fake target. I really want to win the next immunity but idk. Hopefully i can do well.

nick tried super hard that tribal i got a tiny bit nervous but i'm glad that things seem to be going pretty well and working themselves out with nathan brian and sharky but i feel like nathan's gonna be pretty upset with me after the season :(

Welp I blew another challenge. Good times. Hopefully Nathan won't win because I want him out next. Ideal boot order for me going forward is Nathan, Bryce, Maynor, Matt, Anna. So we'll see how this challenge shakes out and then I can create some beautiful mastermind plot to send his ass home. Tbh he's just gotten too shady. It seems like every round it gets back to me that Nathan has been working some plan that he never told me about. And Nick was always the leak so with him gone Idk how I can trust Nathan anymore. But I feel solid with The FB Bois and with Brian's steal a vote in his pocket we should be able to control the majority from here on out. There's a lot of "hopefully"s in my head right now.

The challenge didn't go so well because I was sleep deprived and reaction time was slow. I don't think Im going to win. It is crazy though that it is the Final 7 already. Im closely working with Nathan in this game. I would totally go to the end with him. This is where we can make a move to keep the majority. Nathan says he is able to get Annabelle's vote and I think I can get Bryce's vote which means that's 4 and enough to send either Matt, Sharky, or Brian home. It sucks cuz I'm also working with Sharky and Brian but both haven't really talked game game to me. They have told me the vote but not really strategy talk. So I feel like I rather side with Nathan, who actually talks to me about strategy. We have to wait and see who wins immunity to really make a plan for tribal.

i really wanted to uh win immunity but JKFASKJ guess thats never gonna happen. i was like how can anyone flop at this simon says game and well. love simon outsold... i want to get annabelle out this round but now it can be hard without the blanket of protection that immunity brings what if it backfires. we still have brians steal a vote tho so thats 3 votes and we'd only need one more barring another idol. speaking of idols i still have NOTHING.

Okay now I'm starting to feel a little guilty. Nathan just came to me stressing. He's never made it this far and he feels like he's so close but he's feeling the pressure to build his resume. I get all of those feelings. And I know if I'm the one to betray him and ruin his streak I stand no chance of getting his jury vote. I'm feeling so conflicted. Nathan is a threat and I can't trust him. But I finally understand why he's been such a mess throughout the merge. What do I do?

So remember how I said I felt bad for Nathan? OVER IT. So I wanted to vote him out this go around. But then I was unsure. And I told him it would be easiest to just vote Bryce. AND HE TOLD BRYCE. I'm over it. he's doing literally too much. He's never made it this far and it shows. Like scrambling and betraying your allies who had your back and EVEN FORGAVE YOU WHEN YOU LIED TO US. Like It's not cute.

ok so heres the tea mawmaw henny. ... anyways i um love stream of consciousness writing NNN so sharky doesnt trust me and wants me out but like everyone tells me why doesnt he trust me ive been nothing but honest anyways gays cant be trusted. but maynor sharky and anna wanna vote matt. and matt wants to vote maynor/anna and i wanna vote anna with brian so idk im just scared that if we use brians vote steal we'll be in danger at f6 maybe voting matt is smarter like if they just voted sharky id be down but i dont want to go into f6 with sharky AND nathan/anna

So I forgot to vote last round before I literally passed the fuck out after work... how sad!  Nick still did go, just like I had worked on... But I'm OK again because I won immunity //again// (a physical threat...) so therefore I'm safe for yet another round.  It's worrying because if I ever lose I become a huge target for the vote, and I think this round is very risky bisky.... but it'll also finally draw the final lines in the sand with people I want to go to the end with.

I've decided that Nathan's messiness and choice in allies is what strays me away from him.  I love Annabelle, but her relationship with Sharky is what deters me from going further with her.  I like Maynor, but his sketchiness during every tribal is what deters me from going further with him.  If Nathan got over his obsession with voting for Matt... Every.  Single.  Round... then maybe I'd feel better about this all.  If he threw out Sharky, then whew, let's do it!  Nathan is one of my favorite people ever, and he's so enjoyable to talk to... his big ass heart is what's making me feel so fucking bad about this decision, but I think it's what's best for me.

At the moment, I'm seeing a very iffy chance at winning come final tribal time, but I still have a fighting spirit to get there and to dominate final tribal.  I'm just worried about losing all respect from people like Nathan, Sharky, and Annabelle when I vote them out.  I know it's very plausible, so I have to start planning around that.  I have to be able to manage talking about a dominating game and also owning up to being shitty from time to time.

Ideally, I'll be sitting in final 4 with Bryce, Matt, and someone else (it's between Maynor and Nathan/Annabelle).  I know Sharky has to go, but I also have to be ready to work around him making finals with me.  Final 3 situation ideally would be with Matt and Bryce and then final 2 with whomever I see it easier to beat.  And that's all the tea I have for now.

To have tied in the immunity record and also be confirmed top 6... I'm so proud of myself and what I have done given all the time restraints I've had in this game so far.  It's impressive, if I do say so myself.  I really hope I can make people proud of me... and even if I go in 6th, I know I did the damnest fucking thing and fought my ass off.

Annajane, Matty, Jack, Jones, and Drew..., thank you for believing in me enough to cast me for this season.  I hope I don't let you guys down and haven't yet.

Marie, I hope I'm making you proud by still being here!!  I'm trying really hard every day to ensure one of us could do the damn thing.

Zacky, Tobi, Loris, Scott, Justin... and to really anyone out there rooting for me... thank you!  I may not know everyone who is rooting for me, but I really appreciate any support you've given me this season!!

So I think this vote might be the breaking point for me and Annabelle. If we're really coming after Nathan I can't tell her. I also told her that Matt's idol was the merge idol which isn't true. But the fact that she asked makes me think she doesn't know another idol is out there. Which is a great sign. I feel bad but I'm worried if she has to choose between me and Nathan she may choose Nathan. Ugh

God I am SO over these people! Like i seem to be the perpetual target every single round! And it is quite demoralising tbh. I seem to be the easy target cause Brian has immunity and Sharky has got close with Annabelle. and we 3 are a "trio!!!" who apparently need breaking up, even though nathan really needs to like fuck off out of here. I appreciate how hard the man is playing but he's just coming off as a dick now. As he has said, he wants to basically be fuck buddies with Brian to the end, which is not a cute look for him, riding Brians coat tails to the end where he will clearly be beaten. I am just SO over it. At least I _should_ be safe (and should is the correct term here) cause we will have bryce with us hopefully going into this vote but if i leave, i leave. I just want these people gone so I can have a stress free game for ONCE. Like please just fuck off out of here and LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE.

ok so idk whats going to happen sharky threw my name out but now says he didnt and since i want him to vote with me i just say oh ya ofc i believe u. like i want anna out but sharky/matt wants nathan and maynor/anna/nathan want matt. what about what *i* want...

Today is the day where Nathan and I take majority with Bryce and Annabelle anf get rid of Matt or our plans come crashing down in flames. Either way we are making a move. I just hope we prevail and things go our way and our plan doesnt leak.

brian is amazing i need another immunity win so we can just have ari stans only winning immunities. i'm nervous because like this tribal is like anyone can really go the next few rounds but i feel like people still don't think i'm a threat but idk we'll see this game is really like i'm not sure.  

So now Matt is pitching Maynor because we couldn't choose between Anna and Nathan. But they still want to keep it a secret. And that's a terrible idea. We're going to do all this lying and plotting and then vote out the smallest threat. That's a wasted opportunity. I could get behind voting for Maynor but I'm not going to lie to Anna to do it. Plus they want to do it for fear of advantages but like...if Anna or Nathan have anything they'll definitely use it at F6 if we lie to them about the vote. We're overcomplicating this.

ok so like im gone.. idk its so hard to know whos telling the truth. what if sharky leaks to anna i want her out. like anna/maynor/nathan SHOULD be doing matt which means that like as long as me and brian vote together ill at most have 2 votes against me so maybe 3-2-2 but i really trust matt so i feel like he'll vote with us. i really dont wanna vote nathan out when anna is still here... bc she'll go to sharky so quick and take maynor with her. im trying to think of damage control if things do go bad ill just have to tell nathan i wanted anna out bc i thought he was closer to her than me and then maynor idk what to say NNNN... also sharky made an alliance with me matt brian and him but didnt tell me before hand lol love that.. i feel like the abi maria of the season idk why... or like the gabby who doesnt get her way AJSDHFKJA so sad... anyway im a goner :(

It looks like Brian, Matt, and Sharky are voting Bryce. While they think Bryce will vote Sharky. Me, Nathan, Annabelle, and Bryce are doing Matt which will suprise them. I think imma have to do lots of damage control with Brian and Sharky cuz last time I voted differently than they did, Sharky was fine since it wasnt him but Brian was made he was lied to. So like oopsie. But hey its the game of survivor and sometimes you have to lie who ur voting for.

Okay so...I amde a questionable choice...a VERY questionable choice. I told Annabelle everything (almost). She came to me and confessed the Matt plan because she didn't want me to be blindsided. Which verified all me feeling about fighting to save her. So I told her the truth (almost). I said Bryce leaked all of that info to us. I told her the 4 of us came together. I didn't tell her we named it the Fajita Fellas. That's just for us. But then I told her that I had protected her and got the vote on Maynor. Now if there is an idol played it will be on Maynor and Nathan will still go home. I'll send her a PM during the voting and be like SOS it's switching to Nathan. That way I cover my ass. Now I'm just trying to calm Brian down because he is ANXIOUS. Can people just chill out

Nathan is voted out 4-3.