#i always volunteer to stay late to get my work done if i didnt get to finish during my scheduled shift

[oflgtfol]

its such a shame because i actually genuinely enjoy my job at michaels so long as im not main cashier like i genuinely enjoy being out on the floor and packing out truck or doing inventory or sales signs or price changes etc and even when customers ask me questions, i dont even mind then, and i actually enjoy helping customers out with different projects they work on. if i could make a living by working at michaels i think i’d even maybe just do that. but well i cant do that so whatever

but even as just a part time thing right now its driving me insane that im only working 10 hours a week. like its beyond frustrating in words i cant describe. its so insulting to be one of the longest working employees at this location, to be one of the few people who even enjoy working here, and then get fucking pocket change in exchange for all that

like i enjoy the work but i hate rhe company yknow. its driving me up a wall how extreme the hour cuts are this year compared to last year, the credit card and the rewards drive me up a wall, the stupid extend warranty thing that they rolled out with no warning that we had no formal training on and interrupts the flow of the register because it asks if you want a warranty on thee stupidest things, the lack of ability to get raises, the callous price increases, etc its just an endless list. the company as a whole is fucked and i hate it

but in terms of my individual store, and the “dirty work” of being a floor employee, i genuinely enjoy it and it sucks so fucking much to be pushed out of my job because of the shit pay and the shit hours. i know the philisophy of working minimum wage is that the company doesnt deserve for you to push yourself hard for minimum wage but like — i enjoy the work, i like being able to do these things, its actually fun for me to do these things, it takes my enjoyment out to half ass it. im not doing it for the company im doing it because for whatever reason, i actually have fun doing it. but yes it is driving me up a fucking wall that i get rewarded for that with these shit fucking hours. in fact it makes it harder for me to do my job when i actually do get hours - if im not in the store for a whole week then i miss a whole week of things being moved around the store as seasonal is shuffled, how the fuck am i supposed to accurately help customers locate things if i have such long gaps between shifts that my own knowledge becomes outdated? and when i cant accurately do my job then i dont have fun doing it - because then i feel like an idiot for being wrong or being uncertain, at best, or i feel like shit because then the customer is rude af when they find it instead and then single you out for not knowing

sorry i dont know what my point is here i just checked my schedule for tr next few weeks and im seriously at 10 hours a week and i have never had hours this short before im just so fucking mad about it. i am seriously bringing home larger paychecks from my damn food pantry job thats hard limited at 8 hours a week because that income is at least nontaxable

[dorkydiaz]

Hello I want your advice on something if you don’t mind? So I’m 23 and haven’t had like a group of friends since high school and I had only my best friend for a few years after I graduated, even though we were living a few hours apart then, but then she passed away and I have had no (in person) friends. I’ve just been really lonely but I had my best friend even if we weren’t in the same space but since losing her I’ve been much lonelier, and my depression is bad but I think it’s a lot from being lonely. Anyways on Saturday my local LGBTQ+ center is having a “speed friending” event and part of me wants to go but part of me is terrified because I’m very awkward socially and I don’t know that I’d have anything interesting to say and I also don’t know exactly how the event works or how structured it is?? I just don’t know how I’d make friends any other way as an adult but the anxiety about going to it is super bad but do you think I should force myself to go? My mom sent the info to me and thinks so but idk what my thoughts are and cannot make a decision to save my life

sweet nonnie, first i am so sorry for your loss <3 my short answer is absolutely you should go! i went through very similar anxiety before deciding to go to my local yarn store's weekly craft circle, and i will give you the same advice both my mom and my therapist gave me: go to the center beforehand and check it out, test the commute, see the space so that part isn't all new on saturday. when you are there you can ask questions about it -- just say "hey i saw you're hosting this event this weekend and i wanted more information" if doing that in person sounds too scary DM them on instagram or see if there is an email on their site, answering the what ifs that i can has always helped me be somewhat less anxious. depending on the structure it might be really easy to be a listener, so be active, ask questions, and they will probably ask you about things too, people usually love talking about themselves! also its kinda like the guy on the bus meme with both sides saying "nobody knows you" so even the littlest things you kind of forget about yourself are brand new information to everyone you'll talk to, which is scary but also makes you interesting! the first time i was going to go to the craft circle, all the signs in the universe were telling me not to go, i missed my bus, i didnt have the money to get a lyft, and i was running late, so i called my mom on the verge of a panic attack because it's not perfect im giving up i will try again next week, and she sent me the money for the lyft and stayed on the phone with me until i got there. all that to say, use your support system, it sounds like your mom is rooting for you so use that to your advantage <3 another thing you can do it just keep showing up at the center's events in the future too! even if they are not friending specific, if you have time see if they need volunteers. just keep showing up and someone will see you. I am also terribly socially awkward and anxious so i 100% get it, all of that is much easier said than done, but i promise it is worth it to do it scared. you are doing a hard thing, so be kind and gracious with yourself, but also do a little tough self love. i believe in you. you got this.

[emonaculate]

AOT Freshman v Senior Year headcanons (Eren, Armin, and Mikasa)

❥ AU: Highschool!AU

❥ Genre: Fluff

❥ Rating: Everyone can read

❥ Pairing: hinted at Eren x reader

❥ Warnings Include: Profanity, mentions of violence, manipulation, mention of weed, and slight angst

❥ Author Note: I'm making this an entire series for the main cast or my favorite characters from AOT

Eren Yeager

Freshman year

Extremely fucking loud for no reason

Runs to class and somehow always manages to be late

Tries to pay attention in class but due to his ADHD would always spaces tf out

Despite being loud, only talks to Mikasa and Armin

Smells like nothing but AXE body spray, its not even a bad smell, its just too much

That kid that takes P.E. TOO fucking serious

"Eren you know why you're in trouble right?"

"No."

"...You hit your classmate in the face with a ball."

"He could have dodged."

"Eren it was a basketball, you broke his nose and chipped his tooth."

"He shouldn't have gotten so close to me."

Im sorry but totally dresses like this

Constantly compared to his older brother.

"Yeager... Are you by any chance related to Zeke Yeager?"

"No way, your brother is THE Zeke Yeager?"

Makes a name for himself rather quickly

Listens to heavy rock/metal music

He loves My Chemical Romance and Three Day Grace.

Learned how to play the guitar just so he could play "Teenagers"

Forced Mikasa and Armin to also listen to the bands

They ended up all deciding on making a small little garage band; Miki on vocals and drums, Min on bass, and Eren as lead vocalist and electric guitar.

His style changed randomly but no one questioned it since his personality remained the same.

Senior year

180 personality

Completely mellowed tf out

Either he is in class on time or not showing up at all

Senioritis is strong within him

Works better when he is completely out of it

STONER

This mf always high as shit

Either you love him, hate him, or respect him there is no inbetween

MANBUN

Smart as hell but usually on the low

His music taste has changed a little

LOVES POLITICAL RAP

J.cole and Kendrick stan; it is not up for debate

His favorite songs are Neighbors by J.Cole and Alright by Kendrick

Listens to throwback RnB when high

Still godly at the guitar

Has a couple stick and poke tattoos; He has one behind his ear matching Min and Miki.

He has the sun, Armin has the ocean waves, Mikasa has the moon

PIERCINGS

A total of 8; 4 in his left and 2 in his right + the industrial

Has a tongue piercing

A two slices in his eyebrow but only got them as a dare

Most of them minus the industrial piercing was done at home because he has an abnormally high pain tolerance.

Dresses like this

Doesnt really play sports but is super good at soccer and basketball

He's actually good at most sports just refuses to join because why would he want to support a corrupted system??

Still more of a loner but has a rather nice friend group

Looks mean asf but is actually really nice

Goes the hardest for his friends

You fuck with them = you getting your shit rocked by him

100% the friend that hits you for forgetting to eat

Despite being hot as shit; never really has a girlfriend

Its only because hes oblivious or just not interested

Deathly scary when hes pissed

If you guys got beef; there is no talking

Its on sight bro

Be prepared to get beat the fuck up

A few things that makes him go from 0 to 100 is racism, mocking disabled people, and domestic violence

He's an activist

If you need help organizing a protest; he'll help and somehow manage to get people to come.

Basically a really good guy just hot headed as hell

Armin Arlert

Freshman Year

The kid who looked up those lame videos on how to survive highschool.

Panicked when it came to speaking in class

Stuttered like hell

AP CLASSES

He's way too advanced like could graduate early but refuses to so he can stay with his friends

Super sweet but extremely naive

People definitely took advantage of him.

"Hey Armin, my dog got in a car accident so I wasnt really focused in class, can you give me the homework answers?"

"Yeah sure its no problem."

Sends them a whole ass powerpoint on the entire lesson and teaches them better than the actual teacher.

Band nerd

Can play the Piano, Bass, and Trumpet

Listens to Mother Mother and Queen religiously

Only joined Eren's garage band after he agreed to watch Bohemian Rhapsody

Dresses like this

Moved in with Ren and Miki after he went through some shit with his family; he came out as bisexual after realizing he was attracted to one of his classmates.

Sometimes worries that Eren gets uncomfortable but relaxes after he remembers who Eren really is.

Wouldn't trade his friends for the world

Senior Year

His glow up took awhile because he didnt really feel the need to change

He was always rather cute; just shy and timid

VALEDICTORIAN

Slightly because he manipulated his runner up into become a burnout gifted kid lmao

Everyone has his Snapchat and Instagram so they can get help

Now he knows when people are using him and he still lets them; the only difference is you fuck with him and he can make you end up repeating the same grade.

Lets people copy his test and at the last minute pauses and erases all his answers before putting the correct ones.

No one has realized his plan.

His fashion sense changed a lot

Subconsciously tries to match Eren all the time

The only person that noticed was Mikasa; she thinks its cute

Is in love with Russian foreign exchange student, Annie.

He talks to her from time to time before gathering enough courage to ask her out

Doesnt realize how popular he is.

Oftentimes volunteers at the aquarium to study the ocean life as well as help out.

Helps plenty of organizations clean up the ocean.

A total of four piercings and the tattoo that matches his friends.

Two in his ears and nipple piercings.

It was a dare he sobbed through

Mikasa Ackerman

Freshman year

Basketcase

Follows Eren and Armin around

Super quiet

Doesn't really have much of a personality

She is cute though

Dresses like this

Like I said no real personality at all

Well except she was the girl who thought she was in a romance novel

Especially when Eren would get into a fight.

"Eren look at me... This isnt you."

"Mikasa move."

Most times it wouldnt work.

It was just cringy man...

Can play the violin, flute, piano, and cello

Only learned the drums so she could play with Eren and Armin

A secret pop stan

Loves Ariana Grande and Doja Cat

Thank god she manages to grow out of that yucky phase.

Senior Year

GOTH GF

Track, Gymnast, and female basketball player

She mellowed out as well and became her own person

Still heavily in love with Eren

Confessed to him during a karaoke session to the song Baby I by Ariana Grande; he didnt realize.

Sang her heart out and was a blushing mess but still got no where

Has deep down accepted that she may never be more than just his friend

Is okay with it and NOT toxic when he's crushing on someone else

Just wants him to be happy

Saw how he looked at some girl during a fundraiser to raise money for animal shelters and realized that he may never look at her like that.

Turned a guy down because Armin had a crush on him

The ultimate wing girl

Introduced Eren to her opponent after a track meet after realizing it was the girl from the fundraiser.

Dresses like this

Super sweet despite her look

However pick on her friends and you're fucked

CAN and WILL whoop your ass

The only person who can get Eren to not fight.

Pissed them both off at the same time and you're screwed

Has a total of three piercings

Her ears and nose

Loves her boys more than anything

Stays with Eren while her parents travel to help with natural disasters

Noticed that Armin's ideal type is Eren but never mentioned it because she knows Armin would overract

Very observant

Just wants the best for her friends even if she is the one who ends up happy

Eventually falls for the guy that asked her out junior year.

Still close to her boys because they come before anyone.

[tartagliaxx]

hi. i only got to play in inazuma today so here's me live reacting to the archon quest. it's a lil out of context tho so have fun trying to figure out which parts im talking abt. also, this is the only time i'm going to be talking abt spoilers for at least one week so... 🤷‍♀️

swordfish ii? cute.

Jesus Christ. and here i thought it was my lowest settings that made his hair grey… this poor kid. teppei i admire your determination but no… just no...

SCARAMOUCHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

IF EVIL WHY SO HOT

you know.... scaramouche could stand still and the air would get electrified. and yknow,,, that's p... that's p attractive

ugh im disgusting myself. and here i thought i still had an inch of sanity left in me.

of all people it had to be this little jerk

scaramouche is so fucking evil. i’d like ten of him, please.

man,, they expect me to dodge this shit? that’s the biggest l i’ve heard today. none of that shit. i’m bringing out my zhong and my sweet madames skrrt

sayu is adorable… i remember when i had hopes of growing up too… alas, it has come to this.

OH MY GOD AYATO CRUMBS. I AM LICKING THAT SHIT UP. PLEASE— HE HAS A SECRET UNIT. THATS SO HOT WTF. AYATO MY DEAR, PLEASE DONT BE A REGULAR ICKY NPC BUT WHITE HAIRED…

SNEAKY SNEAK. SNEAKY SNEAK.

THOMA OH MY GOD MY MALEWIFE. HOW HAVE YOU BEEN? also, sayu’s sleeping again. this girl’s got talent. is her circadian rhythm okay?

pains me to be the bearer of all bad news and no good news…

WAIT THOMA IS LEAVING NO DONT LEAVE YET I WANT TO LOOK AT YOU MORE

oh nvm he’s still in the background.

EYY WHATS UP AYAKA. YOU’RE AS FINE AS EVER.

i… i don’t like where this is going… i refuse to be the bait. i’m too hot for that. so spicy they’ll spit me right out

DONT VOLUNTEER YOURSELF LUMINE— GIVE ME AN OPTION OR AT LEAST AN ‘OH SHIT HERE WE GO AGAIN’ LINE

YES FIREWORKS THAT WOULD WORK RIGHT? PLEASE TELL ME THAT WOULD WORK-

oh thank god… wait... they… they wouldn’t ask me to be the one to set off the fireworks right?

UNFORTUNATELY NO. AFTER YOU BECOME A FREE MAN, YOU’RE IMMEDIATELY MARRYING ME THOMA ANJKFHAIGHLANGKLAHOFJLKAB

oh crap… i’m… i’m in deep.

HE’S BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING US AGAIN EVERY DAY SINCE HE GOT THERE ANFLaglvbajlfblabvljabefva;bfalLJBLJDABVBAALSNADL tumblr user @tartagliaxx is broken. she is now irreparable. she has no regrets. goodbye.

ehem… what if… you and i… and hotsprings… together?? JUST KIDDING. PG-13 OVER HERE. NOTHING INDECENT WHATSOEVER MOVE ALONG NOW

poor thoma,,,

oh come on ayaka… cut us some slack… i just watched lumine wheeze bc of evil purple mist only to be dragged into 2 timeskips and an entire training arc. dont let her be yet another traumatized shounen manga protagonist… altho, it might be uh… too late for that…

oh dear… is thoma going to get another round of diarrhea?

OF COURSE. OF COURSE IT’S ME DOING ALL THE WORK. OF COURSE IT’S ME WHO’S RISKING MY LIFE ALL OVER AGAIN. GOD! GIVE LUMINE A BREAK. BEING A TRAVELER DOES NOT MEAN IT’S FREE REAL ESTATE.

hello yoimiya… still looking as bomb as ever i see……… mhm… gonna see myself out rn…

HELP MY SHITTY GRAPHICS COMPLETELY ERADICATED HER BROWS

oh god… are we dying because of fireworks? forget getting caught by the patrol… we’re about to light up an untested firework that was made to be a billion times more explosive….

NO. SHE SAID IT. SHE SAID THE CURSED SENTENCE. WHATS THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN? IDK YOU TELL ME. YOU JUST SENTENCED US TO DEATH YOIMIYA GREAT GOING still love you tho.

man… these patrol guards aint shit… i literally walked an inch behind their backs and they did nothing… its a surprise the rebellion still hasn’t won when they place guards like this in their ranks………. ok that was kinda mean i’ll apologize in a bit.

SAYU OMG… DONT WORRY I’LL SNEAK YOU OUT AND RISK MY LIFE willingly JUST TO RESCUE YOU. ILYSM HONEY YOU’RE DOING SO WELL

no, paimon. it’s not but we’re doing it anyway 🤡

NO ONE TOLD ME WE’RE GOING TO RUN. I WENT COMPLETELY OFF COURSE. first try tho 😏

HELLO THOMA. HELLO AYAKA.

HELLO SAYU. HOW DID IT GO? IM GUESSING IT WENT WELL BC YOU’RE STILL ALIVE?

oh no….. she’s worn herself out…. man,,, this is why you dont make convicts out of kids….

WE ASKED SAYU FOR AN INCH AND SHE GAVE AS TEN THOUSAND MILES. SAYU MY CHILD YOU EXCEED EXPECTATIONS

god, don’t remind me. as hot as the shogun trying to kill us w her blade was, i don’t appreciate almost getting murdered on screen (even if we most certainly have plot armor)

awwww is thoma worried about me uwu owo? dw i have like… a lumine w 6% crit rate by my side

sigh… i dont want to leave yet… cant i just stay by thoma’s side and not go to war for a change?

it was at this moment that tumblr user lei saw the wonders of being a housewife.

oh sara… my stars… i’m so sorry. i feel so bad for you but at the same time… this oddly makes me want to write a song for you ABJFJKABJABCABVABVKA I KNOW JACK SHIT ABT SONGWRITING WHY AM I THINKING LIKE THIS

well… there she goes…

oh…. oh….. yae is stealing my heart. WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DO (i have an alt for a reason heehee)

DEAR LORD. PLEASE STEP ON MY NECK SARA.

these guys got guts to say ‘i’m sorry ma’am’ to THE kujou sara.

oh old man… you’re dead. you’re so dead.

man… this old man is a simp? sheesh.

YES. GO TELL EM PAIMON. PREACH THAT SHIT LOUD AND CLEAR.

oh my god… is that dude dead? i probably should’ve uh apologized b4 he flopped down to the ground ig…

MAN,, SARA’S DOWN FOR THE COUNT?? tbf i didnt expect much but…. also, AYE SIGNORA’S SO ICY.

she’s calling me out for being a simp ;-; heart been broke so many times or smth

OH SHIT LUMINE SPOKE. MAN,, WHY IS SHE SO COOL.

oh… i love this part of the vow… im suddenly inspired to write… how about a wedding au? an angsty wedding au?

goddamn… it’s been nice knowing you all…. i dont think i’ll come out of this alive if signora went out like that…

WHATS HAPPENING? ARE YOU SAYING KAZUHA WENT THROUGH THIS BS? IS LUMINE OKAY-

DID THEY REALLY JUST STORM THE ENTIRE FUCKING CAPITAL?? THEY HAVE SOME NERVE.

FUCK OMG KAZUHA AHHAHFHAFHAHGKJABKASBGA IM TEARING UP WTF WHY AM I GETTING EMOTIONAL- HONEY BUN THATS SO HOT OF YOU TO DO

oh… oh it’s time for round two? haha… time to… say my goodbyes….

yo… there are actual tears in my eyes… like… idk why… but that cutscene? shit man… that hit me…

hm… i feel bad for the shogun… ultimately, there is reason behind every act no matter how horrid. no matter how unreasonable, the reason one thinks of is always justified on their end. whatever everyone else thinks pay little effect on whether the act is fulfilled or not. also, her little laugh? i’m extra deceased.

the animation's fire as always wtf

oh but my kokoro... oof... my kokoro... ugh...

I’M SO FUCKING DONE AJKFHAKJBVAK- WE BEAT A HARBINGER AND FOR WHAT? she should’ve just tossed that gnosis into the ocean or smth...

HAH OMG SCARAMOUCHE. WHAT A MAN. I’M- I WAS RIGHT OMG. I HAD A LIL THEORY AND ITS JUST SMTH I HAD IN THE BACK OF MY MIND. I NEVER THOUGHT IT’LL ACTUALLY COME TRUE DEAR LORD. so now ig i have to admit i think abt him a lot and he has a soft spot in my heart 🥺 he’s evil you see and you know what my type is? evil men or at the very least, men with the potential to be evil. ugh so annoying.

scaramouche banner when

bc i sold everything worthy of money in me (read as my organs) for albedo, i'll sell my soul for him how about that?

EYE- makoto huh… well… fuck…

it’s day 400 of being ayato less even if he’s like… teased a million of times (jk it’s like… a grand total of seven but thats still p high)

im so… sigh…

i wonder if i’m still alive by the time sumeru releases… at the very least, i know my brain wouldn’t be.

....we were literally a captain for like... one second. that is so sad.

[blakelionheart]

Hiii future self

Soooo.. the other day I was listening to the Ace Enders, a band i really like. And they have a song called ´´Bring back love´´ that starts off saying ‘’ by the year 2020 I want to look at what we did, so we can stand up all together ...blablah ‘’. 

This song made me think making a sort of lettertimecapsule  to my future self  could be nice.  i investigated and found out this site allows schedjuling a post so that it gets automatically posted whenever you tell it to even if you actually typed it a week or a month ago (mindblowinglolz). I could just put a bunch of stuff i own in a box and bury it somewhere but...nah 

Im schedjuling this to be posted 10 or so years from now. 2021 ((this will remain as a private text until it does get posted as schedjuled)

<<warning>> this is gonna be long af so grab a can of sodapop if you managed to still not have diabetes ... or coffee if you didnt...

I want to take this seriously, im planning to make an effort to express myself the best i can...

i dont even know where to start. I’ll start by talking about my life at this point

It’s April 2011, I recently turned 20. . I still havent figured out what it is i wanna do with my life. i want so many things and i feel that whatever i end up choosing to do in the next months, or year evenn , will mean i have to give up on other stuff . You cant have it all in life i guess

Im having a hard time watching adulthood approach me bahaha

My life is prretty boring right now. Summarized, I mostly spend my days studying/in class, smoking pot and chatting on msn or fb. I really wish ten years from now i still  stay in contact with the people Im close with right now ... Im not usually good at that. Im too passive when it comes to hitting someone up... Saying hi first to someone gives me anxiety and even if im trying to builld up the courage, people usually end up saying hi first because i took too long lol. it worries me people misinterpret it as me not wanting to talk to them, especially when i like someone  and im dying to. i should work on it  

Lately I  lack motivation and I find myself thinking about death alot. But I have a good feeling. Things miight start  to improve. and im looking forward to visiting a good friend in Arizona.

AND also because i think i might recover the friendship I had with someone whom i feel incredibly attached to ... SO YEAH. I guess sometimes 2 people are just not meant to be, thats what i’ try to make myself believe anyway so that I could understand a little beter why things suck sometimes. Maybe it was just bad tming. Maybe it’ll work ouut in the future idk lol I’m going off topic

I don’t sleep much aeither

The rest of my friends have stayed by my side as always, and i have met some cool people recently too. I constantly meet people, online and in ‘real’ life o_o.. i don’t really make a differece between ‘real’ life and online. I mean, what is REAL anyway? 

It’s been a bittersweet year for now and i think i owe the people i’ve met online who’ve given me support and good memories...I owe them because I haven’t put as much effort as i should have sometimes and i feel guilty for it. i think I should compensate and move my ass and visit some ppl.

When it comes to family, I can’t say much really... I’m only close with my cousin and younger sister. I guess i’ve been a little too problematic to have a good relationship with the rest of them.  I guess I can also count in Bones as my four legged son 

i’m studying psychology at University of Bristol, but haven't been doing great, and I’ve been on a short international program to Spain. In Bristol I live with my housemate Charlie in a small apartment in Cotham Vale. I don’t work and I probably should. I have done some volunteering though. ive been offered money for doing stuff here and there so many times but always feel like im asking for too much, so I end up doing it for free.

I still write and play music. i recorded a song called ‘’Prettiest paint’’ back in March and it’s pretty neat. i also recorded another three but I need to work on some editing still (vaguely know you and flowers)

Speaking of music. i wanted to include this. The music i listen to nowadays I might not listen to in the future, so just to refresh my memory,,,

My favorite bands:songs are 

-Saosin -ADTR: Mr.Highway Thinking about thw End/You had me at hello            -Love is A Story:If we get out, let's make out/hide and seek   -Ace enders: Reaction/Over this -Hellogoodbye:Would it kill you?/Getting old      -ATL:circles  -Mayday Parade:Black Cat   -The Color Fred; Hate to see you go/Empty house      -Spill Canvas: Staplegunned  - Chiodos: Baby you wouldnt last a minute  -Enter Shikari: Sorry you are not a winner -BlessTheFall  -Pierce the veil: I’d rather die than be famous -BMTH -AskingA -Slipknot: Psychosocail .AttackAttack:Smokahontas -EatMeWhileImHot:  -Scary Kids Scaring kids -The Strokes:Under Cover of the Darkness   -The Beatles...and like, a bunch more...that was exhausting, what a regrettable idea but I might appreciate it laters.

I also play a lot of videogames when i have some freetime. COD especially and League of Legends

Moving onnn...

Future self, sup?

Has the world ended yet? Maybe it ends next year and this is completely pointless

Has life changed a lot ? Where do you live now ? Are you still single ? Do you still like the same person or moved on? Is Bones still alive? Do you have a job and wat is it ? Who is president now ? Any new family members? Do I still play guitar ? Are u still terrified of butterflies? do i still have the same friends or friends at all ? do i go out more often ? can cars fly already...? What do I think of my past self? ...I’m out of questions...but whatevrr happens keep on fighting back, whatever will be will be so if any answer to these questions frutstrates you/me, maybe it’s for the best and it’s just how things have to be. deal with it 

I don’t really know what else to say...so, bye. See ya later

-me

ps. If anyone finds this do let me know, i might forget about it

[currentfandomkick]

JL confronts Marinette

From bio!dad Strange au, where they made her kryptonian to keep her alive. This is post-Hawkmoth (debating using a random and revamping Gabriel altogether tbh)

“Don’t.” Marinette was tired of heroes, tired of being one. She had to handle hawkmoth’s fallout, keeping so many secret identities (hers, JL, miraculus team, her gotham family’s) and she just wanted to sleep.

Flash found her first, but Superman grabbed her and put her in the air for a ‘talk’.

“Don’t what?” She knew superman wasnt a detective. She knew he was a reporter though and she could see baiting and needling just under the surface. He’s an interrigator then, she decided.

“Don’t come in and try to fix what the miraculous team already handled. Paris was abbadonned by your league.”

She figured this was about Ladybug. Paris is always going off the the miraculous holders and ladybugs were always deemed the defacto leaders. She liked that Daesuqa (Talia) took over leading long term missions for the most part, handled meetings and politics so her and Chat and the others could be more like the teens they are in theory.

And everyone knew Marinette was Chat Noir’s favorite after she got how many akumatized people to release their akuma on their own? And that she supplied mirauclous users with kwami food (though it was common for many other civilians). It was common knowledge to all, but Hawkmoth apparently, that if Chat or his miraculous team or the entire team was needed, you went to Marinette.

Superman furrowed his brow at that though. “I didn’t know there was an active team here.”

So it wasn’t about the miraculous or years of magic terrorism her city endured?

“Been here for years. Hawkmoth’s sentencing is in a few hours.”

She hoped it was the kwami’s choice. Tikki murmured that people were surprised by what they could live through, and she is thw kwami of life. Tikki would make him wish he was dead routinely. He deserved it for regualrly slaughtering the city.

“No, that’s...” superman shook his head. “I came here to talk to you about...” he gestures to her then. She didn’t get it until she realized she was floating on her own.

When did he let her go?

“I know you’re Princess.”

Marinette’s blood stopped then. No. He can’t. They can’t.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I know Chloe changed my handle to Princess of Paris a few years ago but indont think heroes can stalk teens for that.”

Good, play into that. Distract until someone you trust can come. She hit an alert on her phone while he wasnt looking.

Pegasus should be here soon.

“I know you know it only as the Chimera project.”

Wrong. It was the surgery that kept her alive.

“And i know you’ve been poisoning yourself to stay hidden.”

Antidotes came from venom. It was fone to ise the stickers, they kept her human. The crystals were for emergencies only.

“What I don’t get is why.”

Why would she want him to kidnap, or abduct her? Take her from her family? Her life?

Don’t show that you’re who he thinks, anvocie whispered. Keep being the Paris Marinette from social media. The savage who snarled Weredad into submission.

“I really think you have the wrong girl. Its listed under my file as a volunteer flyer that i’m a flying meta, like most of the flyers.” Good, keep it up.

“And superman, if I had to guess why some girl that i look like would supress their powers, its becuase this is France and until the Miraculous team came clean about some being meta, you were imprisoned on suspicions of being meta, even infants were, are in the rest of France. Paris is the only place you arent imprisoned for it.”

Superman paled at that. “I. I wasn’t aware.”

“why would you be?”

Superman did respond to that.

“And if this Princess of yours is still hiding, she might be protecting her loved ones. Or maybe she thinks you’d steal her away from her life and home? Everyone knows about the fortress of solitude and i dont think anyone besides you would like living there, especially so far from people.”

Marinette watched him process. As long as Red Robin didnt see her, didnt confirm her identity, she was in the clear.

“Now if you’d excuse me, I’m needed to finish filling out a report on the final battle.”

That had superman’s attention.

“Final battle.”

“Yes, we just took down Hawkmoth a week ago.”

“He already has his trial, in a week.” Disbelief. Not worng either.

“It took the citizens of paris a week to finish voting. Finally tallies come in tonight if we try him as humans or if the kwami—gods of various concepts—are the ones to try him for his crimes. Afterall, he enslaved one kwami and abused another.”

Superman was not doing well, far too pale. Shock? No, they sent so many videos before the JL banned them.

Guilt. Regret, too. Probably.

“Now can you put me down somewhere? I’m not out as a meta and indont plan on being out anytime soon. Any supporting the miraculous teams do have their enemies too, and i dont want to be targetted.”

Superman nodded. Numb? Possible.

She let hersef be taken down.

Pegasus was there, Flash on his way. Another person who could make her.

She had to move fast.

“I hope I cleared things up?”

Superman nodded.

Max was ready to fight, glaring at the blue boyscout.

“Ready to go Miss DC?”

Marinette nodded, letting him guide her to the portal.

Flash didnt make it in, but he didnt see her face either. She’s take the narrow victory.

They exited in the Paris Grande Hotel. The Mayor had Batman and Red Robin with him. Crap.

“Is this...”

“Our civilian contact, Miss DC,” Pegasus stated almost too professionally. Great, now Red would know they know each other as friends. batman too.

“Batman, Red Robin, correct?”

“Yes. We, we just found your heroes videos and came to help. I see we’re too late too.”

Marientte nodded, avioding eye contact with Red. She wasnt sure if he learned to act infront of Batman yet, and wasnt risking it.

“I heard you came up with many of the emergency procedures and built the comms system with Pegasus.”

“As a flyer, yes. As Miss DC I just make sure the team stays fed and Chat doesnt forget to sleep.”

Batman shot Red Robin a look as he said, “I know the feeling.”

Marinette didnt fight the smile then. Yes, that was her Hero Stalker Tim alright.

“Would you two be interested in helping the league develop a better system to sort incoming messages?”

Pegasus moved first. “If we do, Miss DC is to be left alone. Her mother is very atrict about her not getting involved in science, and refuses to believe that her daughter has been actively helping the miraculous team.”

Batman turned his attention to Marinette then. “Is that so?”

Marinette nodded. “My birth father and her left on... terms i never got the jist of. He and his friends teach me in secret. Mama,” not maman, she forced herself to say, “she said something about it being destructive and dangerous, so she wants me to stick to the arts instead.”

Batman nodded. “Experiments can be, but that doesnt undercut the good you’ve done. I’ll tell the league you will work off-site should you accept.”

Marinette nodded along. “I can help where Pegasus gets stuck, and be contacted through him but otherwise would prefer not to be contacted by the League. I’m a civilian, and no offense, but there ahve been leaks before.”

“Understandable. The league thanks you for your help, and apoligizes for what you went through.”

Marinette could feel the hole Red Robin was burning into her. He earings. And the fox miraculous. Shit. He knew.

Marinette wanted to punch the league in their face collectively.

“All May i go now, i have a meeting to get to.”

“Of course.”

Pegasus opened the portal and escorted her out.

They both waited five minites, Max feeding Kaalki, for the call.

“So why didnt you tell me?” Tim was pissed.

“Media blackout. Any time i tried to call it was blocked.”

Tim swore. “Alfred!”

“You are so lucky Pegasus doesnt know anything about gotham.”

“He’s there?”

“I work with him alot.”

“So when you visited Gotham...”

“French government would know. Not hard to connect the dots of girl leaves to see gotham fmaily and suddenly the league shows up after banning all of Paris from contact.”

“I. When did it happen?”

“Before Chrismas. I would have had Nonna tell you but she didnt know either until after the fact and they said if she told anyone itd be me going to jail for her.”

“That’s. What hellscape do you live in?”

“I died so many times i don’t even know now.” She stopped keeping track after she got into the eighties. That wasn’t even a full year into being Ladybug.

“That’s not comforting.”

“Please tell me that you’re not outing me to Bats. I just got two leaguers off my tail.”

“I won’t tell him, but if the new Robin does i’m not stopping him.”

She almost forgot Talia’s son was a Robin. She didnt see him in uniform yet—as Damian (not wayne but damian who was mourning lost family, damian who didnt know how to talk to people his age). She knows he’s a bit thick with social cues, and his detective skills need work in her opinion but he’s skeptical and has good insticts. He might make her as Marinette if he’s there.

“Is he...”

“He’s with the Titans now, but theyre debating coming here to yell at the league.”

“Videoing it?”

“Obviously. Want a copy?”

“Ill make popcorn before watching.”

“Rkc are doing well by the way—stopped a human trafficking ring and i think they took the victims.”

“Harley’s working with them,” marientte got he update earlier. “Hood and zsasz took out the lower and mid tier that woudlnt snitch. The case should be smooth sailing—the sirens put out a blanket hit on anyone trying to touch the witnesses.”

“So managing two teams this whole time,” red murmured, almost... bitter, or disapointed in something—no someone. Himself?

“Just tweaking things. Daesuqa handles most the team since she found me and Chat. Apparently she was compatible enough to do a lot of the non-fighting work. I still did battle strategy and all but,” Marinette shrugged.

“She focused in survival aspects here, and long term stability for Gotham. Daesuqa has handled most of non-kwami work here outside of kwami and candidates,” Max added. “On top of her work as a student and designer and inventor.”

Red Robin groaned. “When do you sleep?”

Marinette hummed. “I have meds to make me. And angry family to make me take them.”

“Her... what are we calling him now?” Mac was asking about Felix, adiren’s gremlin cousin who’s mom isntryign to adopt her. Also a fellow reverse theif and possessive friend.

“Uh, gremlin.”

“Her gremlin calls to let is know if she does get rest on the weekends and we trade off on weekdays.”

Red robin hummed into the phone. “So staying to the shadows?”

Trixx and Tikki looked up at Marinette at that. tikki wanted her to be the Ladybug, the be seen and everywhere and she...

Trixx knew why Marinette liked the shadows and background. Trix understood that bit.

“Yeah, i’ll still play in between and have some kwami things for life now.” She and Chat were working out gaurdian duties still.

She wasnt interested in the JL.

@emeraldpuffguide @ilovefluffbutsmutisalsogreat @mystery-5-5 @weird-pale-blonde-person @dast218

[deeeelightfuldee]

Are you better at cooking dinners or making cakes/biscuits/sweets? baking definitely. I want to get more comfortable cooking.

Have you ever cut someone else’s hair? yes. I used to be pretty good at doing my brothers hair-- even the fading. But I’m sure I’ve forgotten it all by now.

Who was the last guest in your house and what were they staying for? probably my sister or my nephews.

How many long term relationships have you been in? blegh. not many. Whenever I’d know that it didnt have long term potential, id drop it. no sense dragging out the inevitable.

Do you sleep with all the lights out, or do you leave a lamp or even the television on? so for the longest time I kept my room super dark. I slept well. once miller died and kile broke my heart, I couldn’t sleep without the tv playing. I needed to hear something calming and voices talking so I wouldn’t be left with my thoughts. I still can’t turn it off.

Who is one person you have forgiven, but still have not “forgotten” what they have done? i think its easy to say “forgive and forget” but the reality is that once we have endured trauma we don’t easily forget. I think its kind of unrealistic. I’m trying to forgive kile but thats going to take.. i dont know how long. As for what it was... it was just betrayal.. lying. for six+ years. lots of laughing at me. 

Are you a fan of Lana Del Rey? I like some of her songs.

Do you know your blood type? o+

Do you know your mother’s birthday? Yes. its coming up. 

Have you ever been pregnant? I dont think so. I was really late after my assault but who knows.

How old were you when you first went on a plane? like 7ish

Have you ever had to take out a loan for anything? Yeah, student loans. 15k feels so daunting right now.

Are both of your blood parents still in your life? One is. My mom.

When was the last time you went apple picking? highschool maybe?

Someone asked you what you wanted, what would you say? money.. or a trip.

Have you ever been drunk at school or work? definitely not. 

How many bedrooms are in your house? four. 

Are you smart about computers? I know some stuff.

Have you ever played Just Dance for Wii? oh heck’n yeah

Do you own a Xbox 360? I had one from my brother for a little while but I traded it for the gamecube since Kile was going to send me one of the 15 he had lol. That didn’t end up happening, but its OK i really dont need more gaming.

Would you ever do a sex tape for a million dollars? oooooooo.. probably not.

So, do you need a nap? all day is full of naps to try and get over this.

What would you rather be doing? school

What sport are you the best at? maybe volleyball or swimming

Do you have a little sister? What’s her name? Nope, im the baby. 

Do you complain a lot? no, i try not to. I find complaining to be the most unattractive and yet common human trait and while there are definitely situations worthy of complaining, most of the time it just makes a situation worse than it actually was.

Would you rather go to an authentic haunted house or an ancient temple? temple

Do you like fruity or minty gum? definitely minty

Are you looking forward to any day of this month? i was really looking forward to Kile’s birthday on monday, but since we arent talking anymore then there is no joy in that. all the other special dates have been ruined by covid.

Have you ever gotten detention? Nope. homeschoolers and detention arent a thing. 

Is there a traumatic event that you’ve experienced that’s changed your life? oh sure. heartbreak, deaths, assaults, etc.

Do you buy a majority of your clothes from a certain store, or do you just pick out items of clothing you could see yourself wearing, not caring about the store it came from? no, i can’t be super picky because not every store carries clothing long enough for me.

Have any of the artists you’re fond of released new albums recently? i havent got a clue

Would you ever keep your favorite animal as a pet? I mean I’m very fond of cats & dogs

Ever cried so much you threw up? this is what happened the whole 2-3 weeks following finding out about Kile.

Who is your best guy friend? I suppose now that would be Nathan

What do you two do when you hang out? drives, game nights, get food/drinks, or just talk.

What is a movie that you thought you would hate but you ended up loving? Her

Do you even like horror movies? not particularly. I’ll watch them if someone else wants to but its not my preference.

Do you live in the country? i live in the suburbs i suppose.

What is your favorite accent? Some southern and British accents. <same ... i have no idea how I made the font like this.

Have you ever had a boyfriend your parents didn’t like? Not that I can think of.

Do you drink Pepsi or Coke? diet coke

What do you plan to do on your 21st birthday? my family celebrated during the day and then I think nathan took me out on the town

Do you have any person in your family with an addiction to beer? nope.

Do you take a lot of pictures? man. this question is hard. I used to love taking pictures of myself. I had much more self confidence and some of it was because kile LOVED my selfies -- or so he said. and I just had so much fun doing that. Since the heartbreak, I’ve maybe taken 10 selfies. I just don’t have any self confidence in my looks anymore. its so different now. most of my pictures now are of other people or scenery.

What kind of face wash do you use? cerave when I want to. otherwise i use water and a very particular type of fabric. 

Does drama always seem to follow you? No, i dont think so.

Does anybody in your family race? like cars? running? no.

Are you closer to your mom or dad? My mom.

How much money did you used to get from the ”tooth fairy?” I think i got it like 2x and it was a dollar.

Do you have a laptop or desktop? Laptop.

Do you like your parents? i love my mom.

Do you secretly like someone? No.

Would you ever date your best male friend? I don’t see any romantic feelings developing between nathan and I

What are you currently listening to? I have gilmore girls on.

Do you want to be single? oooof. Um. I am torn on this subject. On the one hand, i really am ready to be loved, held, protected, cared for, etc. I love the idea of building a life together with someone and us both protecting our unit. I miss supporting, cherishing, loving on someone. Yet on the other hand, im fine being single. I have so much insecurity about myself lately that I dk that anyone else needs to deal with that baggage. Idk

Did you go out or stay in last night? I stayed in. ill be staying in for some time.

Have you pretended to like someone? romantically, no. professionally, yes.

How is your heart lately? Sad. heavy. 

Are you wearing socks? not at the moment. 

What do people call you? Di, diana, dee, ana, di-nan-na, dine-uh, deenah.

Do you get stressed out easily? no, I really dont

Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance? yes

What is wrong with you right now? im sick. im heartbroken.

Do you own something from Hot Topic? not that I know of. if I do, it’d be from like middle school. I never shopped there but people tended to give gifts from there.

Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone? Alone. maybe I havent found the right sort of person to share a bed with.

Do you still talk to the person you last made out with? No.

Have you ever seen your best friend cry? Yes, several times. 

Did you get any compliments today? No.

Have you ever gone to a beach? many many many times.

What would you say if someone asked you to get high right now? not my thing. at all.

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason? Yes.

Have you ever done volunteer work just because you wanted to? Yes.

Do you have long nails? they are healthy length. I want to grow them out a bit more. 

Do you like the gender you are? Yeah.

Do you generally look nice in photos? Not anymore

Have you ever had a stick insect as a pet? no haha

What colour are your father’s eyes? Blue.

If I handed you a concert ticket right now, who would you want to be the performer? uhhhhm, blue october

Would you ever get into a long distance relationship? maybe not anymore. 

What’s your favorite hot beverage? hot chocolate from dunkin

Did you ever play an instrument? If so what? i did. no comment.

Would you rather carve pumpkins or wrap presents? oooooohhhhhhhhh man i love both.

Do you think you’re important? I mean i offer some importance to this world but eh.

What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received? Hmm no idea.

Have you been diagnosed with any mental disorders? no

Have you ever moved to another state or country? If so, how did it feel to be new? No.

Do you know how to properly eat food with chopsticks? Nope.

What was the first thing you ate today? I haven’t eaten since breakfast yesterday

If you could spend the day, doing absolutely anything, with anyone, anywhere, what would it be like? for the longest time it was to spend the day driving aimlessly and getting food and talking about everything and nothing with Kile. now, its just.. idunno. blank.

If I were to ask you how you are doing, and you were only able to answer completely honestly, what would come out? I’m not doing well.

What is the one thing that you have been avoiding that you should do? There’s a few things related to school.

Is there anything that you wish you could take back? not really, no.

What, in your mind, could make you truly happy? this whole covid nonsense going away, heartbreak to soothe, and my miller back.

If you could change one conversation in your life, what would you say differently? Would it have REALLY made any difference? i dont know. 

When is the next time you’ll change your hairstyle? Will you color it? I just changed it up so itll be a bit.

Do people normally say you’re a fast typist, or are you rather slow? Fast.

Have you ever been considered the ‘smartest person in school?’ yes. several times.

How many drugs are in your system? lol lots of meds rn to kick this. usually none.

What’s on your schedule for tomorrow? the same as today.

Do you currently have any bite marks/hickeys on your body? No. i dont like the idea of bite marks but hickeys were fun for a time. in not visible areas tho.

Do you call anyone baby? Not anymore.

What’s your current mood? Bleh.

What were you doing before filling out this survey? Watching gilmore girls

How late did you stay up last night? I took PM meds at i wanna say 8? maybe 7? I don’t remember.

When was the last time you cried really hard? its been a few weeks since ive cried about Kile. I’m in the numb stage.

Is your hair longer than your shoulders? hahahahahahah

[justloosecannons]

Pancakes/ Jake ft. Eden

when: at some point in the most recent past im late uploading this my beeee Early March where: cherry bomb diner mentions: n/a description: a meetup between the two over breakfast trigger warnings: general food related triggers, mentions of nsfw related activities @partialhearts​ 

Jake:

he had tugged on a shirt purchased by her hands - wanting her to feel something for him - anything. flowers that were hand picked the day before, had begun to brown, but, he brought them all the same. sliding into the booth, he laid the flowers next to him - out of view as he waited. subconsciously, his finger picked and scratched at the top of his hand as nervous chaotically thundered through his frame.

Eden:

she was tired, but she was hoping a few cups of coffee would do her some good. she smiles when she sees jake, and he looks just as handsome as ever -- well rested. she wonders where he's been lately, what he's been doing and who he's been doing it with. he doesn't come out anymore. "hey you -" she smiles, slipping into the seat opposite him.

Jake:

his smile only widened the second her heard her voice, heart thumping chaotically beneath his bones - the way that it always seemed to whenever eden was this close. “hey!” his voice cracked, quickly clearing it in an effort to mask it. “i already ordered you usual. hope that’s okay.”

Eden:

she drums her fingers against the table and nods, trying to stay casual around jake. it was hard to be normal around him most of the time. when they were at parties it was fine, because they could blame it on the alcohol, but now? she had to do this completely sober. "oh no, that's perfect. thanks jake."

Jake:

“they should be bringing a bowl of fruit soon too..... extra strawberries.” his lips curved up at the edges as almost on time, the bowl was slid between them. without hesitation, he popped a grape between his lips. “how’s your day?”

Eden:

"i mean it's 10 so it's barely started yet." she says with a smirk, popping a piece of fruit between her lips. "you look good, are you doing something new with your hair? i never see you out anymore."

Jake:

“uh - well, i cut it a little. nothing like when i was 17 and went for the buzz - but, just because i know i’ll be surfing a lot with the weather, didn’t want hair in my face.” he shook his head to show off the way his curls bounced, a smile tugged at his lips. “i got you something.”

Eden:

she ignores the way her stomach feels when she watches his hair bounce, knowing that would just lead her down a dangerous path. "you did? what you get me?" she beams, surprised he's even making that kind of effort

Jake:

“well, it’s two parts. one now, one when you leave.” he hummed, reaching over to scoop up the flowers he had hand picked the day before. “they’re a little dead, i.... saw them yesterday, wanted you to have them.” he reached out to set them before her. “probably just need water.”

Eden:

a guilt washes over her, he was buying her flowers while she was doing god knows what with someone else. she looks stunned as she takes them, forcing a nervous smile onto her face. "oh -- they're beautiful. i don't -- what did i do to deserve these?"

Jake:

he simply shakes his head, lips cocked into the smallest grin over her reaction. “i just saw them... i don’t know what kind they are... you were always better at that than me, but they looked like eden flowers. like they belonged to you without even knowing you.”

Eden:

she feels it coming, the tears forming in her eyes, but she doesn't let them fall, they just sit in her ducts like big, threatening blobs of sadness. she misses him, she loves him, but she cannot have him -- she cannot have this. he hurts her, but like a moth to a flame, she is constantly drawn to his fire. "i love them, thank you." she says, turning to smile at him before taking a sip of her coffee.

Jake:

“i hope you can kind of nurse them back to health - i didnt really know what to do with them last night.” he chuckles softly, his hand rubbing nervously at the back of his neck. really, that’s what eden did - she took in broken things, and somehow - made them into something better. she had done it with him, he had just seemingly fallen apart with the fear of what that meant. “i read about this big volunteer thing at the great barrier reef they’re trying to set up next year. you think you’ll get to do that?”

Eden:

she examines the flowers, "i have some feed at home, i think if i trim the ends i should be able to nurse them back to health." she smiles, feeling incredibly guilty that she had not been able to take them yesterday. "i might do, i think it would be nice to sign up."

Jake:

truth be told, jake had always kept an eye on things that seemed like they would be up her alley. when they were dating, he had often volunteered to do a lot of it with her. “just sounded like it had eden james written all over it.” his smile raising at the edges as his eyes took in each of her features, completely in love. “i could help you fundraise. if you needed to..”

Eden:

"yeah...." she feels distant, holding jake back in order to protect herself. she should, shouldn't she? he's done nothing but hurt her. "as friends." eden adds, feeling her throat tighten.

Jake:

the words carry an unforeseen weight, slamming right into his chest in an effort to crack every inch of his heart he had left. instead of answering, he only nods - fearing the stinging he feels as his throat tightens up. luckily, pancakes are slid in front of him, and he doesn’t push his luck by saying anything further, instead cutting into them, averting his eyes.

Eden:

she doesn't want this distance between her and jake, it's not what she wants, not really. eden wants to be close to him, to be loved by him, to walk hand and hand with him on the beach, but she knows, she knows that jake hurts her, and she's been hurt too many times now. "how are your pancakes?" she smiles, hoping to shift the conversation.

Jake:

to say that it had been easy to cope and handle life without eden in the way he had her before - would’ve been a lot. he was self destructive, combative, and broken hearted. there was a hole in his chest and he had simply given up on trying to fill it - it was edens spot. no one else would fit. “the best. always reminds me why we come here.”

Eden:

she smiles when the tension is alleviated, thankful that her and jake can talk without making the situation weird. she doesn't want to know about what girls he's fucking right now, there's always someone, and it always hurts to see. eden loves him more than she could ever love anyone, and that was that. "i haven't been here in a while, if i'm honest."

Jake:

he could feel the confines of his chest start to spiral and the small marks in his skin, covered by jeans, but tender all the same. there was a panic. one he couldn’t tell eden about? because it was far too much, and she looked so good. he had been told she was happy, and he had really never ranted anything more. “oh yeah? i come here every sunday.” he shrugs, knowing it was one of the only pieces of her he had left.

Eden:

"i guess i just haven't had much time." she whispers, sensing the change in shift when jake's mood changes. "i've been wrapped up in work, i'm trying to focus on that lately."

Jake:

his heart rate seemed to pick up speed at the mention of not having enough time, his mind immediately wandering off - only tethered when she mentions work. “yeah? been busy with it?” he tips his head to the side, desperately trying to be the best version of himself.

Eden:

she's not cruel enough to divulge into what she's been doing, she's careful, unlike jake was. she doesn't want him to hurt the way she did when she had to watch him with other girls, making out with them in front of her. "pretty much. i think i wanna get out of the aquarium."

Jake:

nights were long, filled with replaying every mistake he made with her on a big screen in his mind - leaving himself empty and guilty. never able to sleep without the lone stuffed animal she had forgotten, even when he was with people - it was a temporary fix to a long term problem that he couldn’t fix. “why’s that?” he rasped, tipping his head to the side.

Eden:

“i just think i might do better out there, you know? doing some actual rescuing. i love teaching kids about the coral reef, i do - and all that. and i love taking care of the animals we have. i just think, i’d feel more purpose if i was out there doing something.” she shrugs, pushing her plate aside.

Jake:

he nods, well aware that eden was destined to change the world, and he found himself more and more proud of her daily. “well, whatever you do - it’ll be amazing.” he promises, pulling his wallet from his pocket. when he opens it and a polaroid of her falls out, he’s quick to scoop it up and slide it back in its place.

Eden:

she spots the picture falling from his wallet, and it's only on the floor for a moment, so she can't quite make out who it is, or what it is. if she asks, it might make things awkward, it could be her -- but if it isn't? she gives jake a bright smile and bottles down her feelings once more. "i think it'd be good if i did go, some time away."

Jake: 

 the idea of not seeing eden again for an undetermined amount of time, makes everything in his body hurt in a way that he wasn’t really expecting. clenching his jaw, he nodded, finally forcing his eyes up in her direction. “i... have one more more thing for you i just... would it be alright if you didn’t... look at it until i was out of view?”

Eden:

it's hard for her to accept gifts from jake, she doesn't know what this means, or what taking things from him might mean to him. she's scared, scared because being close to jake left her vulnerable, and she's been vulnerable to jake since she was 18. when she was away at college, it was easier to not think of these things, but here he was. "i can....sure." she smiles weakly, tucking her hair behind her ear.

Jake:

it’s not something he’s spent money on, but rather something he’s grown accustomed to do. at any point if he sees anything that reminds him of her, he scribbles exactly what he’s thinking. nodding slowly, he takes a moment of silence to let his eyes flicker over her features. loving eden was everything. and regret would always weigh in his chest like an anvil. “here every sunday. just in case.” and with that, he slid the paint sample face down and slid it over to her.

Eden:

why does he do this to her? she wonders to herself with a heavy heart that somehow she may never be free of what this is she has with jake. does he love her just because of how easy it is for her to give in to him? because she's always there? what would happen if she just stopped, what if she stopped answering? would he still love her then? is this even love? or is it just comfort? she holds her hand over the note and smiles sadly at him, "every sunday."

Jake:

its all he needs to hear - that hes hear, and that he will keep coming here. its the only pillar of consistency that he has. mistakes dont even cover what he regrets - losing eden had been a wake up call. she had been nothing but good to him, and he had messed it up based off previous peoples actions, pissing away the only form of happiness he had ever know. nodding slowly, he offered her the smallest smile before dropping cash onto the table for the waitress, and just like that - he was gone.

Eden:

she watches him leave and he takes a vital piece of her with him. when he's gone, she finally looks at the gift he has left her and she feels empty -- this is how jake makes her feel. he gives, and he makes promises, he gives her pieces of hope and then he tears them away. he doesn't realise he's being cruel, she doesn't want crumbs, she wants him to be a man.

[racewinnerpiastri]

just having a mini rant on here - so feel free to ignore it - as this is pretty much the only place were any irl friends don’t follow me.

so pretty much most friendships i’ve had i have always ended up being the one planning stuff to do with my friends and most of the time im okay with that. however no one has ever really asked me “hey you wanna hang out” and that has killed so many of my friendships because i got sick of always being the one asking to hang, so i literally never see any school friends because of this (and of course that makes me feel like people don’t actually like me and they only ever hung out with me at school just to be nice or whatever) 

so now i just say i have 1 and a bit friends - (the partial friend lives in another city and works shift and also volunteers as a firefighter so trying to catch up is a mish - but thats cool we still text and send memes and catch up when we can if we are in each others cities) 

but my one friend who does live in the same city as me currently is a lot busier, and thats cool, so im usually the one that plans to catch up and work around her as im more flexible (she does also initiates plans but less often) 

but heres the thing - she said to me late last year that for christmas she would get us tickets to a concerts in our city (ive never been to a concert as no one i really like ever plays here, or i haven’t had the money) so i was like cool (thinking end of .... its her plan) but then i realised that my family was planning to go away that weekend (me included) i informed her of that but literally later that day said my family didnt mind if i stayed back to go to the concert, and so again left it thinking she would sort it. but then start of the year hadn’t heard anything more so checked in with her, she has since got another casual job just to get some more cash, so she said she hadnt heard from me so hadnt done any more - and again i said i was all good to go and hadnt said anything more because i thought she was dealing with it. so that was cleared up but she told me that she would now have to check if she could get time off from her second job as she would be working the day of the concert.

and i’ve found out today that she cant get it off because its actually a national holiday weekend and her work will be busy and she is needed! and she would finish in the evening so couldnt guarantee we would make it in time - and of course as she is my only friend i have no one else to go with so looks like i wont be going to see my favourite band play this year!

also in recent months she has had quite a bit on her plate, so i’m not upset with her or anything, i don’t think sorting tickets for a concert was her top priority! - this is more just me ranting about how literally having one friend sucks sometimes.

and don’t get me wrong i like having a very VERY small group of friends, but sometimes i wish i had a group of friends where there was at least 3 others (and even some guys)

and before anyone says i should go by myself, im a female - its an outdoor concert and my family will be out of town so no thanks!

[travellers-survivor-old-west]

Episode 2.0: "I ate a Bagel and we SNAPPED" - Eve

After the “Ginger Curse” met its next Travellers Survivor victim....... 

Whew okay so I don't know anyone on my tribe (kinda) which is good but also a bit scary since its just 6 of us. Overall, I feel like everyone's a bit quiet and not too talkative. That being said, they might be talking a bunch in PMs. Right now, I am trying to stay under the radar and just be friendly with everyone. I really like Austin, Eve and Patrick right now. Keaton and Isaac are nice too but I dont really talk to them as much. If we would have lost this first immunity challenge I would have definitely wanted to vote for one of them. No official alliances yet but its still early so I think its okay. THANK FUCKING GOD WE WON. Okay well, we got 2nd but thats a win in my eyes. I just really hope I make it to jury and I will be happy so not being first boot is GREAT. Im trying to get this damn idol but I cant catch a fucking break and my ass keeps getting zapped... I dont think anyone has gotten the idol yet so I hope i get lucky and somehow get to it first. Here is how I see everyone as of right now: Austin: Probably my fave right now and hoping I can get into a f2 with him. He's funny and sweet and I feel like we get along and its pretty easy to talk to him. Eve: Eve is iconic! Want to work with her but I feel like she is really social so she might be a threat later on. Pat: Same as Eve, even though I just met him, I actually have known about him before since he is friends with some of my friends. I know he does good in games so he is someone I would like to see leave a bit sooner since I think he will be hard to get rid of later. But hes amazing and his video for the music video was ICONIC. I can see him and I becoming friends for sure. Keaton: Not much to say, I do know keaton from playing a game with him in the past but he was voted out first I think and then I hosted him in HOS but i wasnt super active in that one :) Anyway, I feel like we dont have much to talk about so I need to make more of an effort with him. I really wouldnt care to see him go tbh but who knows, this can definitely change if we start talking more. Isaac: omg okay so night one I go into everyones PMs to say hi and i notice that I already had messages with him which I found super weird because I didnt know who he was but I guess we kind of got into it like 3 years ago??? I told him I didnt remember this but i do. He was basically an asshole to me for no fucking reason. But this was 3 years ago so i really dont care so I hope he doesnt try to target me over it. He seems nice I guess but I havnt really talked to him much. In his defense he has been sick apparently but if we would have gone into this first TC I would have wanted to see him voted out first for sure.

We won thanks to the combine efforts of Nick, Chloe, and Aidan. All kings and queens! I probably should say something about the vote switch last time. Yeah that happened. Didn’t even realize cas was part of the tribe. Great social game 10/10. So sorry Payton <33. Now we wait to see who goes but so far I quite like nick, Chloe and Aidan. Idk if I can take Chloe that far tho. I feel like she’s gonna get targeted by the other tribes when we merge if we survive that long anyways. I feel like out of our tribe, Nick has the best change of making it to f4 but I’m not sure he’ll be able to win. Payton has a job that takes him away so :/ if we lose again, he’s probably gonna be voted out next. I mean if I’m taken out of the picture. I’m pretty sure the tribe thinks I’m hella annoying but they need me on their side for now. :^)

Lmaoooooo well thank fuck we won because my ass was on the chopping block lmaoooo. My ass didn’t volunteer to do the challenge either because I fucking suck at memory so mfjrkjskfks lmaoooo fuck me man. I’m barely scrapping by but here I am

So happy we are safe again! I'm so use to going to tribal everytime lol. I think now would be a good time to get ashley eve and isaac all together on the same page with me for some kind of alliance

What's up though? Here we are in Survivor: Old West, losing the second immunity challenge and we have a specific reason to point to in Xander. I'm sure he tried his best, but when it came my turn to answer the questions I was only able to give correct answers about the information he gave me. I personally think he is the person that is going to help us the least, but Sammy was not in that challenge. In the challenge that Sammy mainly participated in, Nicole was the person that made things difficult for us. That brings us to late last night where Sammy decides to be the first person to throw out a name and pick Nicole, gives his reasons, and that's it for me once the name is said and agreed upon in my alliance, it's done that's the plan. Now all there is to do is see what Xander and Dylan say, and we're done. I hope so anyway, I could sit here and ponder if Sammy had ulterior motives or if this is a good move for me but at this moment I don't want to overthink anything, so we chillin' --- Oh as I was writing this I found a Vote Reveal advantage on space 25 on the railroad, which I am guessing means there are more things on 50 and 75. Vote Reveal is a bit useless but maybe there will be a specific situation where it will work out.

So so happy our tribe won that challenge. Honestly idk how to feel about this game. Im trying really hard to be social with people so IF we lose im okay but I feel like everyone except Austin is actively reaching out to me. I basically start all the conversations. So to me either people are a bit inactive in this game/ dont care about the game or theyre already forming alliances and dont really need to talk to me. Im really hoping its that theyre inactive. Right now Isaac and Keaton can go, they literally just leave me on read and dont try to talk to me. I had a good conversation with austin WHO I FUCKING LOVE IM SO GLAD HES HERE and he wants to start an alliance soon. We both agree Eve would be a good option but he also mentioned that he would like isaac or pat to join it. This lets me know he likes isaac so they must be talking so idk why he isnt talking to me but whatever. Anyways.. I would love an alliance with Austin, Eve and Pat but a four person alliance when theres only 6 of us can be scary. Luckily our tribe has been doing well in challenges so far but we will probably have to go to TC at some point and thats when shit is going to go down. I can def see people possibly wanting to vote me so im going to start being even more social and get that alliance going with Austin. I wouldnt mind seeing Isaac or keaton going if we do go to TC next round. I doubt anyone has the idol yet and holy shit im so bad at this i always get zapped. I need Jess, Micheal or Alyssa to rig this shit for me please

The challenge involved having people active on call.... And to be honest I didn't want to do it for us. But I offered because I don't want to be that guy. Anyways. We lost but barely. Got our hopes up saying 8/10 if only Michael could count. Makes me wonder what's really going on up there in his head. I'm just glad the votes seem to be off me this time. But we can only hope. I did my part of the competition. So they can't entirely fault me.

Okay so I’m in an alliance w Jared and Owen and I think I mentioned that. I honestly wanted to sit out of the challenge bc I just needed a break. However, we lost and in my head I immediately thought to vote Nicole. She really hasn’t put in too much for these challenges and I know she’s on vacation. Xander would be my next choice just because he is short on responses and I feel like he would vote me out over Jared or Owen and a i assume he’s closer to them after the challenge. I’d like to work with Dylan on the side if possible. I’m just chillin hoping this first tribal isn’t a blindside and if it’s against me then hoes ain’t loyal and that ain’t very western like. I don’t think they would betray me this early tho and I have faith in my alliance.

I feel like these people are carrying me at this point and that is A okay with me. I’m running the Iditarod and they’re my dogs

OKAY WOW PAT EVE AND I POPPED THE FUCK OFFFFFF we did everything we needed in life and it was beautiful. I'm not really doing alot in this game I'm just floating along woooo

Welp it's been real y'all. No one had talked to me since the challenge much and only sammy has said maybe it's me and Dylan says it's definitely me.

Hi welcome to my lifeeeeeee today i ate a bagel and we SNAPPED in the immunity, I FUCKING KILLED IT, (thanks keaton!!!!!) HEHE HAHA IM SO CUTE Waitin for this Alliance to be made tbh but what do i know, we're gonna keep SNAPPING so whatever ladies xoxoxoxoxox

[richmarc]

Update on paper #100117

So seeing that i never really admit my problems i tend to write my facts on paper but never all in the same breath or at the sametime, ill let my guard down for this second cause i simply need to clear my mind

Dear Tumblr,

I apologize that i have returned in a moments notice and i know I've been gone for a while. A bunch of controversial drafted post sitting in my file to never see the light of day and fears....excuses as to why i stuck with you so long. I remember when you were as private as a joke carved into a bathroom stall door, now your like the gossip newsletter flying around campus streets. I got dicouraged, knowing i was writing what I considered at the time "blue magic" and my product wasn't reaching the customers in mass quantity.

Lately i have been soul searchimg and quite frankly I didn't find what i was looking for from the moment i left, but i confide in you cause beneath the codes and backgrounds of what you are and the freedom I believe you give me, i feel as if though i have the power to make my stream line of data you keep my world. Ive changed in so many ways and have yet to dound a way to be satisfied by you, so like a battered relationship i guess for now I'll stick with you cause you and I are misunderstood and "I know you love me... i know you do <movie quote "

So ill share how shitty I feel and see what you or the universe will have to say about my open letter to you..

I have been wasting my time with females that i deemed to be a fit for me, just to be dissapointed at the end that they be on some bullshit.

I had a beautiful daughter that i don't have the honor nor the pleasure to be around, because we live in different places and I dedicate my life and time to working and making sure she has a future when she grows up and its not possible where she currently resides. Upon visits their always arguments and fucking ridicule from family begging me to sink everything thats for my daughter down the drain and restart because the memories are more important.

My daughters mother i love with all My heart and never thought I'll see the day we gotta be like this... madd some decisions that wasnt keen as to why we are where we are...on top of the fact that its been years now and forgiveness lesson i still haven't learned. I've told this woman my greatest fears of never wanting my daughter to wake up without me there and etc... and its not easy scraping the plate completely fucking clean to someone who ACCIDENTALLY made you live out that nightmare

So.....suicide would be pointless and selfish now cause you dont live for you cause the moment i seen my daughter and she seen me...I've glady destroyed my world and soley been working to build hers...cause despite the situation im first and foremost a fucking proud parent.

Not eveyone knows she exists, the world is becoming a encyclopedia of open information. Google face recognizing this mf been in multiple pics with you, that you took a shit in this Macy's and their reviews are 4.5, or you spent the weekend in Birmingham's motel 6 and you didn't state how you like your stay.... so due to the confusion i just state needless to say something thats so near and dear to me i don't post, comment, hashtag on cause the world doesn't need to join in that aspect of my life right now. I wanted to take it like it was when I was a kid, you know no twitters and ig's, summers actually spent outside maybe 2 people on the block with a Nintendo but yall all shared games... it funny some people cant remember what they wrote a year ago yet... a memory like that can never be clouded nor replaced..

I work 17hrs out of 24hr days for people who use me like an ox pulling A plough through a fucking field....

Lol... trynna be nice and not simply state its like being what african american always considers on topics pointed to racism... but you get the jist. Knowing everyday your mind wonders off and consider you better, knowing you can do better than this hoping and wishing the boss will shown you some love for a meal ticket to eat and thats no anology js......

To a man who appears to have the comparison of a marshmallow but not in wieght and stature, but color and feelings... dexterities very bleek and immobile. The kind of guy my father say look out for cause they can never look you in your eyes.

Trying to move up in the company and do something i consider something that'll be worth missing my daughters 1st etcs..... had the interviews a month's ago. A flood hits florida and somehow that had something to do with mu fucking response to advancing or not cause some asswipe want to go down and volunteer knowing he's going for the same postion I am and we gotta wait for this non relevant mf to come back to have a "fair shot" are you fucking kidding me? There's 2 slots open and im staring at what I want just fucking sitting there dusting... ok...

My bestfriend that I've loved since I was 15, come to find out basically been lying to me the past couple of years sending me mixed signals about what our relationship is and what it could be and all along she thought lying to me about being happy with the mf she's with and randomly coming up pregnant with twins with the mf was gonna hurt my feelings if she just kept it honest and told me i never had a shot to begin with, meanwhile leaving me looking like the thrist-bucket who's been chasing her and she never looked as like she wronged me...hmmm then to turn around and find another mf you know whos near and dear done the same thing and hid a pregnancy cause they didnt know how you'll feel

Friends are becoming distance from multiple sides of the globe,with the exception of the 3 goats you always keep, love....? Ummm next,

The new company who bought your apt complex decides to waltz they ass in ya spot to call bullshit and try to charge you $300 for something

Uhhhh you get the picture

I say all thst to say it's been a rough little min, thats for those who actually noticed my absence... I'm trying to contain the balst radius for when imma lose it, but this 2'5 9month tape recorder keeps me in check from losing it all and making me retain humbleness, even in my worst of times.....

Consider this a memoir for when I actually get to the sweetspot of life ,the scallops and stallions for breakfast portion

But fuck it we all human I just don't have a problem admitting the shits thats been killing me...

Until I need you again Tum tum

Sincerely yours,

Hypno Umbrella

[showingthroughtome]

out of our hands

“a five part study on the effects of eye contact on perceived closeness”

Or the one where Harry is a psychology grad student who is running a study, and Adalyn is the girl who signs up for it.

a one shot i wrote for ash last summer that i didnt post on tumblr for some odd reason

read below

Harry had been in school for a long time. A very long time. Years and years and years, is what he'd say if anyone asked.

He did thirteen years of school before he started college and then six since - four years of undergraduate where he got his bachelor's degree in psychology, and for the last two years he'd been working on his master's degree.

He was supposed to be almost done. He was supposed to have seven more weeks until he was out of the collegiate atmosphere. But the forces of nature, or magnetic energies, or maybe even God himself wasn't ready for that. Because somehow, his final research article had been skewed. So much so, that if he couldn't fix it, have it sent for review, and approved before the deadline, he'd have to stay around another semester and conduct his research study all over again.

One of his peer reviewers, this asshole Brennan, noted on his article that his findings could have been altered due to "unaccounted for manipulation". When the board saw that and questioned Harry, he knew right away Brennan was correct. His results wouldn't be significant enough to grant him a well-written article, and Harry wouldn't get his master’s degree.

Thankfully, he had enough time to conduct his study one last time, on one completely new participant. All he had to do was find someone he had never once met before, someone he had no chance of knowing. He went to a friend and asked them to spread the word. After only three days, he heard back, hearing about some other psych major who was always participating in studies - it was her thing, her love.

So here he was, with six weeks to do an entire study, get together a write up, and send it off. And all he had was a name.

Adalyn.

 session one

 Adalyn was ecstatic about life as of late. She was halfway through her sixth semester of college - only having seven weeks before summer break and having just turned 21 right before spring break. That meant she didn't have to sneak in bars with a fake ID anymore, or pretend to be sneaking when in reality the people just let her stay because her hair was pink and her eyelashes fluttered. She didn't mind having guys look at her in awe, but it did make her feel dirty, slightly sleazy, for using her looks to get her what she wanted.

Other than legal alcohol consumption, age came with a sense of assuredness for Adalyn. She was finally feeling confident in declaring her major, thinking psychology was the right path for her, especially after volunteering for all those research studies over the last two years - any that she qualified for, she would readily go to. It was probably because her freshman year Research Methods class taught her the value of a good sample size and how helpful it is to the experimenter when people actually participate in their study instead of ignoring it completely. (Life tip #1: always fill out a survey honestly and carefully. People work hard at developing those, and sometimes base their whole career on responses.)

Not only did she find the studies to be fun, but they also looked good for grad school applications. Her grades were looking excellent so far, not getting anything but A's since she took English 300 her sophomore year. (Life tip #2: don't take a 300-level class until junior year - not that it's actually that much harder, but they normally suck horribly, so just save yourself the heartache for one more year.)

That's why when her best friend heard from her friend that his friend was conducting a study that called for a new participant as soon as possible, she jumped on the opportunity, figuring it could only do everyone some good.

She had to be in the research building by 10am, not too early and not too late, but still, she found herself rushing there. Her first class of the day got out at 9:30, and the buildings weren't far from each other, but of course she spilt the last little bit of her coffee on her chest when she went to put her notebook in her backpack. She had to run back to her dorm and change into something else.

Originally she was dressed nice, wearing light-wash jeans, a polka dotted blouse, and her favorite pair of oxfords - classy chic was her goal. With the quick change though, she didn't have enough time to find a non-wrinkly shirt so she picked the first folded t-shirt she had in her dresser - a grungy old Nirvana one her older brother let her have (or she stole, who knows, really?).

To say the least, she was out of breath swinging the door open to room 3068 on the third floor of the psychology department's low-tech research wing. She was shocked to find no one in, first assuming she was early. Looking at her phone, it read 10:04, so nope, it wasn't a miracle, she wasn't early. It just happened the experimenter also had bad time management skills.

All that the room held was a table and two chairs placed on either side of it - reminiscent of interrogation rooms. Adalyn could've sworn she saw an exact replica of the room on one of those A&E shows where they recount the violent crimes of various criminals.

Staring at the empty room, she didn't know what to do with herself. Like any sane person would, she plopped her butt down on one of the cold metal chairs and waited. But not for too long, because after just a few scrolls through Instagram, the door was once again swung open and a man walked through - or more so rushed in.

Adalyn first noticed his height, his tall, lanky legs and arms. Then she noticed his age. He was younger than she expected - most people who ran studies were nearly greying or at least old enough to be rocking a wedding band on their finger. This guy, though, looked to be just a few years older than Adalyn.

“Hi!” She popped out of the chair, going in for a professional, strong handshake. The man reacted accordingly, shaking hers for just a second before going about the room, dropping his books off and picking up a clipboard.

“Running a bit late.” Were the first words he breathed. Turning back to Adalyn, he held out the clipboard to her. “These are the consent forms, pretty standard stuff. Just take a look through and sign please.”

“Of course!” Adalyn responded cheerily, not letting one ounce of her day’s misfortune carry into her interaction with this man. Still, he raked his hand through his hair and turned to gather materials.

She sat down and read over the paper. She could've just skimmed and signed it, but what can she say? She's a nerd for this kind of thing. She thought maybe research procedures and release forms could totally be her future. Or maybe after she spent a decade testing the effects of ambiguity on helping behaviors.

The paper had all kinds of fun information though. Not just procedures but researcher information - hypothesis, thesis, compensation. From it, Ashlyn learned the name of the man in front of her, the one who had taken a seat on the opposite side of the table and began fiddling with a timer: Harry Styles, a graduate student looking to explore eye contact in association with perceived closeness.

She signed the form and slid it to the side, waiting further instruction, but without looking up, Harry reached for another form and slid it across the table.

“This is just a self-report survey about any feelings you may have. Please answer as truthfully as possible. My colleagues will be gathering the data so I won't know who said what.” He still didn't look up, just spoke like a machine.

Adalyn nodded, not that it mattered or anything. It was just – well, she just hadn't felt that unnoticed in a long time. Harry didn't have to bask in all her beauty or anything, but maybe a little bit of acknowledgment would've been nice.

She went along with it anyway, because the guy clearly needed it and she was already this far into it. All of the 10 questions on the survey pertained to either how she felt at the moment or how she felt in accordance to the experimenter. It was on a 5 point Likert Scale. 1 being negatively, 3 being no feelings at all, 5 being positively.

Half were 5’s. Half were 2’s.

By the time she completed the survey, Harry was finally done setting up whatever he was doing.

“Alright, thanks.” He said, adding her survey to the pile of papers. “You're Adalyn, correct?”

She nodded. “Harry?”

“Yes. Nice to meet you.” He gave his first half-assed, tight-lipped smile.

It was better than nothing.

“Okay, well in this study,” Harry began reading from a sheet of paper. It was standard protocol for a research study. The conductor of the experiment would read from a sheet of paper detailing what the participant would be doing in the study. It was a way to account for variables across participants, making sure that outside factors, such as experimenter delivery, didn't have an effect on the outcome. “You, the participant, will hold eye contact to the best of your ability with the experimenter for five minutes over five sessions. After each session, you will fill out a survey containing the same questions as the one you did previously. Changes in answers will show an effect of eye contact, the dependent variable, on perceived closeness, the independent variable.”

Adalyn listened closely to the formality of it all. The obsessive compulsion of studies always delighted her in some strange way.

“You may blink, and if you need to stop at any time, feel free to tell the experimenter. Your participation is greatly appreciated.” Harry finished up the short paragraph, lifting his eyes. “Any questions?”

“Nope. Five minutes of eye contact. Got it.” Adalyn ran through.

“Okay, then we will begin when I start the clock.” Harry grabbed the small stopwatch, set it for five minutes. “Now.” He said, initiating eye contact and laying the small device on the table.

There was no way around it, it was fucking weird. Eye contact for a long period of time was just unnatural, anyone would agree. But she couldn’t really do anything about it, except for stare into the eyes of this man who would barely look at her a few moments before – not even other parts of his face, just his green eyes.

It felt like forever, like time was standing still and all she'd ever be able to see when she looked away was that shade of emerald. Or maybe they were more forest-y? Perhaps jade? Adalyn wasn't sure, though she was sure it had to have been five minutes already. The timer must not have gone off.

Right as she was about to drop her eyes, unable to do it any longer, it kind of got nice. Tension felt to have faded, and the awkwardness that is one human being staring into the eyes of a complete stranger fizzled. But before she could be sure that actually happened and she wasn't just imagining it, the timer did go off and Harry sunk back in his chair.

Quick enough, he handed her the second survey, and with just a short goodbye she was out of the door, blinking repeatedly to try to erase the one color was stuck in her mind.

---

Harry sat back in his chair for a long while after Adalyn had left the room. It was weird doing that again, after so many months of not. But even still, it never quite felt as intense with the past participants. Something about Adalyn, with the pink hair and icy blue eyes, had him shaken. Right from the start, he noted how beautiful she was, how happy she seemed, and the eye contact only added to it.

As he tried to gather himself, he couldn't help think of how Brennan would be kicking his own ass for the conclusive findings Harry was sure to get with this rarity of a girl.

That is, as long as he didn’t let the data skew.

 session two

 Adalyn saw Harry again after that, in between session one and two, when she was in the cafeteria with a group of her loud, obnoxious, lovable, freaky friends. They were quite an eclectic group, varying in race and status and major. They were breaking the rules of homogony on every front which is probably what thrilled them the most - knowing that just by being friends, they were defying societal pressures.

She was eating with them, or rather stealing celery and apple slices off of her best friend’s plate, and looked around to catch the set of eyes that shouldn’t have been as familiar as they were. She shouldn't have been able to look at a guy she spent maybe ten minutes with in total and know every variation of green his irises shifted from. But she did, so she waved, just like any normal person would, any self-respecting friendly human being would.

Harry seemed to snap out of a trance when Adalyn raised her hand, turning away without an ounce of acknowledgement, nodding to whatever his small group of friends were saying. They all kind of looked alike, but just a tiny bit. All but one had tattoos littering their arms. They all wore skinny jeans and easy smiles and joked with each other. Harry looked the most serious.

It was the cold vegetable hitting Adalyn lightly on the face that snapped her out of her examining of the table across the room. She turned towards the one person she knew as the vegetable thrower, her best friend, and gave her best death stare. As it turned out, Adalyn wasn't good at evil so her friend just ended up laughing.

She sat there for the rest of the meal wondering why the fuck she was so obviously ignored.

That was almost a week ago, and even remembering that couldn't throw her off her mood, because she had just gotten an A on a paper from one of the hardest classes she was taking that semester: Abnormal Psychology in Children. It had her bouncing with every step and cheeks aching from an unrelenting grin when she walked in room 3068.

Harry was already there this time, doing something on his phone, possibly texting those friends of his about how to properly blow off someone.

He didn't look up when Adalyn stepped in the room and the door closed behind her.

A, she thought, I got an A.

“Hello!” She chirped as she pulled her chair out. Even if he completely ignored her again, she wouldn't care, she wouldn't let it bother her. I got an A.

“Hello, are you ready to start?” Harry was nothing but business, hitting the lock button on his phone and throwing it into his open bag he had on the floor.

The thing was, he didn't look like a dick who ignored pretty girls or who never wanted to say hello. His face could be soft, in the second before he put a stern look on. The moment she saw him staring, before he realized it, he looked incredibly soft, like if she were to touch him it would be a euphoric experience. Then the fucker would open his mouth and was robotic.

“Yup!” She smiled. I got an A.

Harry nodded once, maybe let half his lips turn upward just a smidge, and then they were off. Adalyn did her survey – marking nearly all fives on this day – and then Harry got out his stopwatch.

This eye contact was like it was before, kind of awkward, mostly uncomfortable, but then about two minutes in (or what Adalyn guessed was two minutes because again, time was weird when you had no way of marking it) she remembered she was supposed to be in a good mood. She kept her eyes locked with this grumpy man and thought of how she could call her parents later and brag about how well she did, about how grad schools would want her, and those student loans would one day be paid off.

Without even realizing it, she felt her lips turning into a grin, how could they not with such positive vibes running rampant inside. It was awkward to sit in silence, stare at a guy, and smile for no apparent reason. She really tried to contain it, to tuck her lips together and keep them solid like Harry's.

It was an ongoing effort that she was certain would last the whole five minutes when suddenly, out of nowhere, it was like she stepped into an alternate universe where Harry could show emotion. Just barely, the corners of his eyes crinkled, and the green of his irises may have lightened just a little. If she were allowed to look away, Adalyn would’ve checked to see if he were actually smiling and that she wasn't just making assumptions due to her learnings in Social Psych about facial expressions.

It was pretty clear that they both were smiling though, so she didn't try to conceal hers anymore and sat – surely looking ridiculous – until the timer went off. And as soon as it did, Harry slid the second survey in her direction.

She filled it out without a problem. She had to remain objective, had to remember the survey was how she felt about the experimenter and not about life in general. Even then, for every question, the score increased by one point.

Finishing the survey, Adalyn thought what the hell and decided she might as well at least see why Harry totally ignored her the other day.

“So I saw you the other day?” It came out like a question when she could've sworn it was a statement.

Harry didn't show any indication that he actually heard her, not moving his focus from some stack of papers. What did he even have to read right in that moment that couldn't wait?

“Yeah,” she continued. “You completely ignored me even though I know you saw me so I didn't figure you'd say anything today.”

A lot can be said about Adalyn, probably just as much good as bad. But no one could never say that she didn't speak her mind. Adalyn would let people decide if that fell under the good or bad category themselves.

In that moment, it got Harry to look up even if his face was back to its cold, distant normality. She didn't falter under the heavy gaze of someone clearly unamused by her, instead sat like she had the entire time, trying her best at unamused as well.

“Listen, Adalyn,” Harry started, then shook his head back and forth, something about it made her feel like he would rather be a million places other than sitting across from her. And that's fair enough, but she wouldn't just let him make her feel invisible without an explanation. “It's best that we don't talk to each other except for the study.”

“Oh yeah?” She challenged, breathing in.

“Yes. It's best not to skew data. This is a study on human interaction at its very core. If we start chatting it up in the cafeteria, then who's to say why you fill out the surveys the way you do. I need to know it's because of the eye contact.”

“You know that's being fucked right now?”

“Then all I can do is ask you to forget about this and leave. If I see you on campus and don't go out of my way to be friendly, or if I seem cold any other time, please forget about it when you're filling out that survey.” He pointed to the paper Adalyn hadn't yet handed back.

Adalyn got the importance of validity to a research study, she took a whole damn class on the subject, so she couldn't really argue, nor did she want to. Not when Harry seemed like a good guy just trying to publish his findings.

Adalyn nodded her head, grabbed her book bag from the ground and swung it over her shoulder, leaving the survey on the table as she exited the barren study lab.

---

Harry didn't mean to be a dick, not really, not ever. Not to a nice girl he hardly knew.

He just couldn't have the study under question again. If he had to find someone else to fill in for Adalyn, then that was even more time and resources down the drain. All he really wanted was to finish his study, and the many many years he's spent learning the ins and outs of human behavior – at least from the psychological standpoint.

Though, something about Adalyn already had him questioning what was supposed to be - what he had learned years ago in Psych 330: Human and Animal Behavior. People weren't supposed to call you on your shit like she did, so upfront and uncaring. People normally don't go straight for the kill, without even properly knowing each other.

That's why, when Adalyn left session two, he went to his old Social Psychology professor and had a nonspecific talk about confrontation theories. And when his professor laughed at him due to his “clear girl trouble”, Harry snorted and cracked a joke instead.

 session three

 Harry was different at their third session – less grumpy, more easy going. And it wasn't even like he was smiling or making jokes, it just felt like he was less angry when Adalyn met him in that same room. Which was pretty fucking weird, if she did say so. Out of nowhere, he wasn't ignoring her when she showed up, or when she tripped just a tiny bit while sliding into the metal chair. He even smirked at her clumsiness, raised an eyebrow in question of how she could possibly do what she just had. Adalyn was in such shock at his acknowledgement that she couldn't make a sound.

She filled out the survey and all the while felt his eyes on her. It was beginning to make her feel like she had something on her face, or maybe she had forgotten a few buttons on her blouse, showing off her lace bralette that left little to the imagination. After subtlety feeling around her face and looking down at her own chest, she knew neither of those were the reason why.

“Okay, you ready?” Harry accepted the survey she passed to him, almost sounding happy and excited to be doing this.

The shock wasn't wearing off so a confused Adalyn nodded and pulled her seat closer to the table, getting ready.

She couldn't stop herself from watching every movement Harry made, trying to find the exact difference in him, as if it could be seen on his flesh why he was acting decent. It couldn't really, not by the way he reached over for his stopwatch then ran his hand through his long brown locks, tossing it so it fell just in place. That just seemed kind of… Well… Hot.

It was most likely due to his acknowledgement in addition to his obvious attractiveness that had Adalyn noticing how Harry did everything just slow enough to make it seem like a tease, like he was doing it so people would watch him, wait for him, to keep their attention to see what the end result would be.

“Alright.” He broke her out of her head with the word, bringing her to the task at hand. He moved his head in such a way that she knew he was going to start the timer.

Staring in the eyes of someone who could barely say hi to you was a lot different than someone who might possibly think you're alright, Adalyn learned. Because that time, it didn't take the constant reminder of a good grade, or a stroke of magic to make the situation less awkward. It just was.

The tension was still palpable, the air still thick, but it wasn't the same as before. It was easier. She just sat and stared at that same pair of green eyes - even though they might've seemed more vibrant.

Whatever was different about Harry, whatever was making him laugh at her tripping and smirking a hello, also had him bringing so much intensity into the room. Yeah, it was easy to stare at him when he was that way, and yeah, she liked it better, but also, it made her body feel stiff. Like she had to move just to shake off his gaze or else he'd figure out everything about her – every mannerism and quirk, every secret she had kept and lies she had told.

It was both a good and a bad feeling.

Her body was almost aching to move, when for the third time, she was saved by the bell in the form of four little beeps from a stopwatch.

At the sound, both fell back into their chairs, almost in complete sync with one another. A moment went by when the room stood still, and Adalyn felt like what they had just experienced was a moment, a spark in some weird way.

The sliding of a survey in her direction had her forgetting those thoughts. It was the experiment. Not a moment. Not a spark. Harry wasn't light or happy, he was angry. He was just having an off day. Maybe he had gotten a good grade back too, skewing his usual demeanor.

Adalyn stuck to answering the questions as truthfully as possible, getting out of her head about what it felt like to be looked at by Harry and instead only thinking of how she felt towards the experimenter - the random guy who held eye contact with her.

Each question raised one point.

---

Whatever was up with Adalyn that day wouldn't bother Harry, he wouldn't let it. She barely said anything, just nodded the whole time, and still, he wasn't going to let himself think about it as he put SPSS data into the program. He'd run his t-tests, check the p-value, and decide if the results were significant.

After he found out that he got that job at his Social Psychology professors research lab, the stress slid right off his shoulders, just like the bad mood he had been carrying around for weeks. And he wouldn't let some random participant in his study mess that up. No matter how much he enjoyed her hair that matched the color of her lips, or her eyes that could wear down anyone's resolve. She wouldn't ruin his good day. Not one bit.

 session four

 The weather outside was hot, people were sweaty, hair was frizzing. In psychology, you learn that crime rates go up during the summer for various reasons, one major reason being the fact that heat makes people angry. Adalyn wasn't one of those people, and apparently neither was Harry.

When Adalyn found him in the lab, he was relaxing in his chair, nearly giggling as he typed out some kind of message on his phone. The sight alone had Adalyn checking the sign outside of the door so she was sure she hadn't walked into the wrong room and found Harry's happy twin brother.

3068 the door read. She was in the right place.

Cautiously, and mainly uncertain, she stepped through the doorway, pulling Harry out of his own little world. Almost immediately she felt under pressure. Not only was it so hot outside that she had to wear a tank top and her favorite pair of jean shorts, but now Harry was gazing off at her like he liked what he saw. She could feel the sweat gather at her hairline.

Harry wasn't dressed that much different than normal – black jeans and a button up shirt. Except this time, his sleeves were rolled up to his elbows, exposing a scattering of tattoos, and the first few buttons were undone, showing a bit of his collarbone and possibly more ink.

“Hi.” Adalyn greeted, because she wasn't sure what else to do, what else would get Harry to move and hand her the survey.

“Hi.” He snapped back, but not like he was angry like before, but more so like he was caught doing something and needed to distract from it.

Adalyn, of course, didn't miss his eyes move away from her body slowly, almost hesitantly.

She took a seat in the chair – her chair – and for once, she thanked God for the seats being metal due to them cooling her exponentially. She let every part of her body slouch into the cool metal, feeling no shame when Harry eyed her like she was insane.

Adalyn just wanted this to go as quick as possible so she could get back to her Arctic room and ice cream she had waiting for her. Without much thought at all, she filled out the survey as honestly as possible.

She handed it back to Harry with him asking if she were ready. Like always, she was and he set the timer.

Adalyn pretty much knew what was going to happen by the fourth time she locked eyes with the ex-grumpy man who sat across from her for five minutes. It would be slightly awkward, but with Harry's new found cheer and can do attitude, it wouldn't be so bad.

She tried not to overthink why, out of nowhere, he didn't scowl when she entered the room or why he started greeting her with a smile on his face. She didn't need to know really. It was just a better scenery she'd gladly accept.

They were halfway through the process and the chair Adalyn was sitting in wasn't so cool anymore, it wasn't hot exactly, but all that relief she got from it had worn away. Now she was getting hot again. The room was feeling stuffy, and she felt like she just had to move. So, she did. She inched forward in the chair, leaning her elbows on the table and shaking her hair off of her shoulder, being sure to keep eye contact at all times.

Even that didn't do much to make the heat feel less, causing her to question if maybe the room wasn't actually as warm as she thought it was. Maybe it was just the intent Harry had in his eyes that had her skin feeling on fire and shining from the tiniest bit of sweat.

Adalyn kind of liked that idea.

The idea of Harry looking into her eyes so hungrily that her body had a physical reaction. It had her tingling in that good way she never got enough of, so much so that she'd often egg it on.

So basically, she couldn't help that she leaned forward that little bit more, enough to make her small tank top cover even less skin.

It was like she could feel it in his green eyes – how irritating she was being to his study. Nothing else about Harry gave her any indication that he was enjoying her little show, but all it took was the eyes.

And if he let his slip down her neck for just a split second before they met hers once again, she pretended not to notice.

She pretended not to notice while she was filling out the survey, while she was grabbing her things and smiling a good bye to him.

She walked out proud of herself, thinking that the next session would be fun – the last session.

 session five

 They were staring into each other's eyes for the last time. And it finally felt completely normal, not even awkward at all. Just like two friends. Which Adalyn knew they weren't, she had no delusion of that. But now she thought maybe the next time she waved at him,he'd return a small one at the very least.

Or possibly a big one.

Because Harry was staring at her again, like he wouldn't be able to look away even if this wasn't all for a study, and Adalyn couldn't help but tease him. She couldn't help but slide off the light cardigan she wore in and move her hair to one shoulder - the weather had dropped again, just like usual for this part of the US. Now Harry had a perfect view of an expansive amount of skin, from the V-neck of her t-shirt all the way up her neck.

He was good though, not playing into her efforts, locking even more ferociously with her eyes. That was enough to get Adalyn to lose some of the upper hand, because one can't just stare at someone like that – so kind and wanting – without having the recipient feel something.

This time, Adalyn needed to shift, not because she was feeling stiff or pressure, but because she just had to. Warmth was wrapping around her again but this time it had to be because of Harry and Harry alone. It was on her neck and up her legs and she just had to.

Once she did, momentarily she was feeling a lot better, like she could contain herself and keep her eyes looking into those green fiery ones.

Harry, though, then moved himself, scooting to the edge of his chair and extending his legs under the table enough to bump into Adalyn's. She moved hers out of the way just barely, not so much that they weren’t still nearly touching.

And then the beeps went off, just four small ones. They should've been louder for the moment that it was – the end of the study. But they weren't, they were the same as all the other times.

Adalyn and Harry didn't react much to the noise, fixed on each other. Until Adalyn was moving, surging forward across the table to connect her mouth with Harry's. Harry had no problems responding to that, standing up so the effort wasn't solely left on her, and wrapping his arms around her waist.

“Whoa.” Harry backed up, breaking the kiss and all body contact they had with each other. “Fuck!” He exclaimed, wiping all the evidence of the kiss from his mouth with the back of his hand.

“What?” Adalyn wasn't sure what was so wrong with what she had just done. It was clear that Harry wanted her, he kissed her back so fully that there was no mistaking it. And she waited until the end of the sessions instead of doing it sooner even though she knew she could've. His reaction seemed a bit too much to her.

Instead of replying right away, Harry began pacing the small room, going back and forth in a single line.

“What did I do wrong?” Adalyn repeated. If she were someone different, this would've done a lot to hurt her ego – to see someone react so horribly to a kiss – and even though her ego wasn't hurt, her voice was.

Harry stopped his pacing at once, rushing to the stack of papers on the table. And that's when it hit her. She forgot the last survey – the last survey that could pretty much define his entire research study.

“Fuck!” She stomped her foot, mad at herself for letting desire do something so idiotic.

“Just fill it out truthfully and it'll be okay.” Harry spoke like he was convincing himself, like he needed to hear it so he didn't have to worry.

“Of course I will.” She grabbed the paper from his hands.

Obviously she would fill it out with as much honesty as all the others, because in all honesty, it was a no brainier. Clearly the eye contact had worked. Clearly her perceived closeness was at a five in every way – especially in the way where Harry's mouth tasted like the sweetest honey against hers and his big hand warmed her body.

It took her maybe seconds to fill out the form before handing it back to him. And somehow, in the time she looked away, Harry had appeared on her side of the table. They were closer than they had ever been before, Adalyn noted to herself.

“Good.” Harry looked at her answers for the first time, not putting them straight into an envelope like he normally did. “Where were we?” He asked in one breathe as he slammed the sheet down on the table and brought Adalyn back to his mouth, those hands back on her like they hadn't left. It was all enough to have her giggling while simultaneously trying to keep the room full of that lust.

Before she could even stop herself, she had her hands running down the buttons of his shirt, undoing them one by one. As more skin was revealed, so was more ink, and the need for her to run her tongue along every line. And she would've, too, if Harry hadn’t reconnected their lips as soon as she had disconnected them.

He was acting like he couldn't get enough of the taste of her, which she really didn't mind, not when he swung her around and had her sitting on the table that had kept them separated for the last five weeks.

It was then, with the cold against her legs, that she realized just what was going on and muttered the words, “This is so fucked.”

“What is?” Harry pulled back to look into her eyes. The two sets of eyes knew each other pretty well by then so if anything were wrong, he'd have known just by that.

Adalyn shook her head and laughed. “Your study.”

“Don't say that, it'll kill the mood.” He went back to kissing along the line of her neck.

“No seriously. I mean, you really proved something here.”

“What's that?”

“Stare at someone long enough and they'll want to have sex with you.”

“I've done this with a few other people, and Adalyn, you're the only person who I've ended the study with this way.”

“Damn, Harry. You have such a way with words.”

“Don't I?” Harry was playful it turned out, smiling against her neck. She had no way of knowing that before, but here he stood, slightly undressed and cracking a few jokes.

And his smirk? Well that was enough to drive anyone crazy, and have Adalyn undoing his belt buckle without a second thought – just knowing she wanted him so viscerally right then was enough for her.

Harry had her shirt off nearly as quick. Then, without warning, he slowed down, taking his time to touch every part of her skin, to kiss where he felt like she deserved and to slip her bottoms off gently.

Adalyn would've done well with a quick fuck, a onetime thing from a hot psych student, but she was finding the slowness pretty okay too. Because when he wrapped her legs around his hips, and slid into her like she was something special, her whole world went fuzzy.

She lulled her head back in pure ecstasy as Harry took his time with her, biting marks into her neck that were sure to show sooner rather than later. She felt herself being useless in his arms, and still she couldn't stop being completely wrecked by him – with every forward motion of his hips, pushing her closer to her end.

It was when she finally decided to look up again, to check that Harry was getting as much out of it as she was, that she met his eyes and reached her climax. It came with a mutter of Harry and then a slump of her body even closer to his. Like any respectable man, Harry followed with a little more coaxing of her mouth on his neck – she was determined to leave a few love bites of her own – and a swirl of her hips.

They were both getting dressed again when the first post-sex words were spoken. And from Harry no less.

“That was fun, huh?” He smiled lightly, testing the waters with his offhand question.

Adalyn pulled on her shirt, surveying the room to see no noticeable differences about it.

“Oh, I definitely have no complaints.” She spoke honestly and freely, living high off her orgasm.

That truth seemed to shock Harry. Probably not that she was satisfied but that she wasn't playing games about it.

“None?” He questioned.

“Nah.” She pretended to think on it, then continued. “And I'm not one for lying.”

“Good to know.”

“Yeah. I figure it might be nice for you to know something about me.” Adalyn stepped closer to Harry, who was fully dressed and grinning contentedly at her from the edge of the table he perched himself on.

“I think so too.” He nodded in agreement, checking his watch. “And so in that case, would you want to have lunch with me?”

[rwbyremnants]

THIS CHAPTER: First time, handjob, premature ejaculation.

=Chapter 9

Bowling was a lot of fun for the whole family. Of course, that was only because the parents didn’t notice Ruby teasing Yang and trying to make her smell her bowling shoes, but that was only briefly annoying. The rest of the time was a lot of fun, competing against each other, scarfing down pizza and sodas from the snack stand and generally goofing around.

By the end of it, Yang was even starting to feel less weird around Summer. Her brain still twisted the knife by flashing the memories of her nude body at her once in awhile, but it was becoming less frequent and she could easily tolerate that much. Besides, remembering Ruby’s body helped a lot with that.

On the way home, they stopped for frozen yogurt and chatted and laughed. Everything was on the mend; their dad definitely didn’t look put out about Yang skipping fishing now that they had some quality father-daughter time in, and they were all talking as normal. Even the occasional guilty look in Summer’s eyes didn’t bring down the evening; after all, they hadn’t really done anything wrong. Just didn’t volunteer an embarrassing story that would have probably made poor Taiyang a little green around the gills. In time, they would forget all about it, other than an occasional wet dream Yang might have when her subconscious mind decided to be an asshole.

By the time they got back, Tai, Ruby and Summer were all pretty tired. After about an hour of TV, they one by one drifted off to bed, Summer the last.

“This has been… a day,” she offered to Yang with a pained smile.

“A pretty good one.” Yang made sure to grin, and without any awkwardness; she wanted her to know that it was already no big deal to her. She noticed her relax, even if only slightly. “See you tomorrow.”

The woman came over to sit on the edge of the couch where Yang was reclining. Irrationally, she felt tense and wanted to worry about what might happen, but she made herself breathe and remain calm.

“Listen… again, I’m very sorry for what hap-”

“Don’t. I got a free show, and you got a tan. That’s it. Nothing else has to be said; we’re cool.”

“Alright,” she breathed with a small smile. Her hand raised, as if she were going to pet Yang’s hair or a similar show of affection, then drew away again as she thought better of it. “Don’t stay up too late.”

“I won’t.”

Once she was alone, she flipped through channels for a while. There was nothing very interesting on, but she found some reruns of an old sitcom that she used to love, and killed some time watching that. Then she got a text message…

BLAKEYWAKEY : Hey hows it goin down there? n_n

Another grin split Yang’s face. She didn’t think her teammate would care enough to message! Rolling over onto her back, she sat up just enough to make it easier to flash her thumbs over the letters.

ME : P good hbu?

BLAKEYWAKEY : Not baaad just chillin w fam c: BLAKEYWAKEY : Is it awk w ur stepmom? Is she being a bitch or

ME : Oh… if only u knew lmaooo

So she told her. There were a lot of “WHAT”s and “R U SRS”es from Blake along the way, but she mostly just let the story unfold until it was over.

BLAKEYWAKEY : Did u see BUSH?!?!

ME : DUDE NO STOP

BLAKEYWAKEY : Omfg u saw ur stepmoms bush im kinkshaming

ME : Ughhhhhh I wanna die

BLAKEYWAKEY : Hey question BLAKEYWAKEY : I thought u didn’t like girls

ME : Well ME : I didnt really know but now I think im bi? ME : Just never had any real dates soooooo

BLAKEYWAKEY : Omg but BLAKEYWAKEY : I showed u mine BLAKEYWAKEY : Oh man I didn’t mean to like freak u out

ME : YOU DIDN’T IM FINE

BLAKEYWAKEY : HOW FINE U PERV

ME : Dude pls don’t ME : I feel weird enough abt shit here ME : We both know u like dick so don’t act like u weren’t perving

BLAKEYWAKEY : ...no comment BLAKEYWAKEY : OKAY FINE if it wasn’t on u I’d be all over it

ME : WOW

BLAKEYWAKEY : U KNOW WHAT I MEANNNN shhh BLAKEYWAKEY : Maybe I’ll let u fwb me up if I get antsy

ME : …bad Blake down kitty

BLAKEYWAKEY : WHY DO U ALWAYS CALL ME KITTY I’M SNSKHDLSLDS

ME : Anyway… yeah maybe I thought she was hot but shes my dads wife ME : It’s not right

BLAKEYWAKEY : Yeahhh BLAKEYWAKEY : Hey im sorry for making it awk BLAKEYWAKEY : Ur probably feeling really messed up abt this BLAKEYWAKEY : Im sorry I’ll shut up

ME : Not really but a little yeah ME : And then there’s… ME : Nvm

BLAKEYWAKEY : ???

Yang really did think about it, but there was no way she could bring herself to tell Blake about her illicit affair with her half-sister. Not over text. Maybe she’d confess to her when she got back for Fall classes.

ME : Anyway tell me about Maine lol do u eat lobster every day

BLAKEYWAKEY : God I wish BLAKEYWAKEY : And do u really think this subject is over?!? What a bad segue

ME : I SAW HER NAKED BIG DEAL

BLAKEYWAKEY : IT KIND OF IS?? For u anyway BLAKEYWAKEY : how big were her boobs

ME : …

By the time Yang was done texting and bingewatching, she felt tired enough to try to go to sleep. Or at least, to lay down and hope that it happened. Worse come to worst, her phone had Netflix.

She poked her head in to check on Ruby once she was all washed up and changed. She was asleep and snoring quietly; it was such a gentle noise that she couldn’t believe Ruby had once acted like it would bother Yang. Smiling, she tiptoed over and leaned down to kiss her forehead.

“Hm?”

“Shhhh. Goodnight.”

“Hey,” Ruby breathed, smiling up at her. “Um… stay here?”

“What?”

“Stay. Sleep here.” She nipped her sheets open for emphasis.

“Nah,” she whispered back with a grin. “It’s okay, I can survive until morning.”

But then Ruby pouted, and she knew she was lost. Rolling her eyes, she walked back to ease the door shut, then slid into the bed next to her sister.

“You’re really warm,” Yang whispered to her.

“Your legs are cold.” They both giggled. “But they’ll be warm, too, in a minute.”

“Whiny brat.”

Pulling Yang’s arms more tightly around her middle, Ruby whispered, “You wanted to.”

“How do you know?”

“Because you did it. And you didn’t even act that grumpy first.”

Dead to rights. Again. Grinning into Ruby’s neck, she said, “I feel so good next to you like this.”

“Oh…” Yang had thought that was it, until she heard a little sniffle half a minute later.

“Ruby?”

Swallowing hard, she clutched at Yang’s arms tighter. When nothing further transpired for a few seconds, and Yang was still waiting for an answer, tense now instead of relaxed, she spoke up… and it became clear why she was so quiet before.

“I love you so much. I… kinda forget it, until y-you say something like that… s-sorry, I don’t m-mean to get so… to get all sappy about…”

“Ruby… I love you, too.”

After a few seconds, Ruby rolled to face her, eyes dark from the low lighting in the room gazing up at her. They didn’t speak for a while; just looked at each other and knew things that no one else would ever know. Then they kissed, chaste at first, more robust after a minute or two. No words.

When Yang felt a pink little tongue poking its way into her mouth, she withdrew and whispered, “Ruby… what are you doing? It’s late…”

“I want this…”

“What?” Another lick along her bottom lip, making Yang shiver. “You have me here already.”

“But I want you to be with me. I… I want…”

So that’s what she meant. Gulping, Yang reached up to pet along Ruby’s back through her tank. “There’s no rush, though.”

“Yeah, but there is. We only have a couple more weeks! And you’ll be gone! So… so I want to start now, I want to do as much as we can!”

The urgency alone threatened to make Yang give in. However, she was made of tougher stuff. Reaching up and grasping her bicep, she managed to catch Ruby’s eyes.

“Why? It’s… I like what we’re already doing.”

“But I want to do everything with you.” Swallowing, she glanced away, then up at Yang again. “I want you to f-feel… feel how wet I am…”

At that little turn of phrase, Yang almost fell out of the bed. “You what?!”

“SHH!” Ruby warned, though neither of them were loud enough to be heard, even by someone sitting right outside the door. Then she followed up with, “Kissing you… it makes my body heat up, my brain go fuzzy. I kinda love it, even while it makes me worried… but none of that’s the point. The point is, I’m so close to you, and I want to be even closer!”

“Ruby…” That was certainly making her own situation no better. While just kissing, her body had only responded a little, but now that her half-sister had revealed her own situation, she couldn’t stop thinking about it long enough to make it go away. Quite the opposite.

A shaky little laugh passed out of Ruby when she felt it. “O-oh, there you are. A little late to the party!” But she didn’t spend much time on that. Again, her lips were mashing into Yang’s as they kissed, bodies sliding over each other a little in their eagerness to feel more, to experience.

After some time, when she felt her own shorts being forced downward, Yang whispered, “This isn’t okay.”

“I know,” Ruby breathed. “But it’s okay with us. ”

“I…” How could she argue with the truth?

Feeling Ruby’s hand directly around her was far different than feeling it through her shorts. If she hadn’t finished herself off so much the past days, she might have succumbed easily… but instead, she merely put up with the teasing, exploring hand, the fingers poking into her flesh slightly as they glided up and down along the throbbing mass.

“It’s so hard,” Ruby told her with an earnest tone. “You’re so hard. Is this for me?”

“U-uh-huh,” she managed before swallowing. “Yes.”

“I, um… I got us a little something. Yesterday. Call me a ‘plan ahead’ kinda girl.”

Reaching behind them into her table, she brought out a little pack of condoms. There weren’t very many, but it was an entire pack’s-worth more than Yang expected to see.

“Oh my god… really? You seriously thought we… but we’re related! This isn’t just messing around and kissing, that’s a whole other-”

“I know, okay? But… no more hiding from it. I love you, and you love me, and this is… kinda part of that. Just dumb not to at least be ready for if it happens.”

As Ruby opened the box, Yang tried to ignore how badly her body was trying to get her to take Ruby up on her offer and failed. Not even the cute and amusing sight of her struggling with the box was enough; she still wanted to be with her in that way. Still liked everything that Ruby was.

“There we go,” she breathed at last, holding up the shiny packet. Her eyebrows waggled, and Yang rolled her eyes, which only earned her a laugh.

“Like you know how to put one of those on.”

“I do! We did it to bananas in health class. Here, I’ll prove it to you.”

“What’s- whoa, you’re…”

Ruby had shimmied down to hover with her face just over Yang’s crotch, a face amongst a pool of blankets. She looked a bit distracted by how close she was to the object of her interest… but she managed to push the desire back for long enough to rip open the packet and pull out the little ring of latex.

“Mmm,” she breathed as she pushed a kiss into Yang’s head… and she felt her mind go blank. Ruby wasn’t just touching her tonight, it seemed. There was so much more in store! “So good…”

Rolling her eyes, she muttered, “You can’t be serious. One kiss on my dick is ‘so good’?”

“Yeah.” Bald honesty shone in her voice.

“O-oh? Really?” Another loving peck along her warm shaft, probably purely to prove herself. “You’re pretty… convincing…”

“I love this dick,” she confessed easily. “It kinda got us talking about us , weird as it is.” Then she began to roll the latex downward…

And all of a sudden, Yang realised she had a real problem. She wasn’t just ready for sex; she was ready to finish. Ruby was doing too good a job! Every movement intended to move the latex protection a little further along her member was one that made it ready to shoot. That early on, she was already biting her lip and writhing back and forth, hoping to resist.

“Ooh, someone’s eager.” Grasping the base, she pumped her hand a few times, causing Yang to gasp out. “Nice!”

“Ruby… y-you gotta stop!”

That seemed to catch her by surprise. Pumping her fist up and down furiously for a second, she smirked and whispered, “Nah. I wanna make sure you stay ready for me.”

“B-but if you- if- NNHHHH!!!”

The last part was somehow growled into the pillow at the last second, instead of the room at large. As much as she was convulsing and gasping out, she knew Ruby would probably figure out soon enough what was going on… but for the time being, she was still being stroked and loving every second.

Then the younger half-sister did start, glancing between the end of the balloon entrapping her sex and Yang’s face, stretched wide in release.

“Oh shit… did you- did we really just-”

“I’m so sorry, dude,” Yang half-wheezed, eyes closing in distant pleasure from the hand still wrapped around her. “Seriously… you were all about this, doing so much, and then, I… I suck! Obviously!”

Smiling gently, Ruby patted her thigh, releasing her spent length in the process. “I’m sorry! God, I really didn’t think you were that close to- I wasn’t trying- WOW, you came just from that?!”

Her face burned with embarrassment. This was even worse than the fact that they were crossing societal lines to be together; she couldn’t even seem to handle that “together” part without losing control way, way too early. She wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear.

“Oh… awww, Yang, it’s okay,” Ruby cooed when she finally realised how much this was affecting her. Her arms circled around her back. “Hey…”

“That was p-pathetic!” she snapped into the pillow. “God, after yesterday, I thought I could hold out longer!”

“Yang, I don’t care about that! I’m… it makes me happy that felt so good that you couldn’t wait.” Her smiling face pushed in closer to Yang’s, and she kissed both of her cheeks. “You did tell me to slow down and I… I should have listened. I’m really sorry. Um, I just didn’t want you to go soft while I was putting it on?”

Finally, she began to calm down, little by little. When she could talk again, she let out a long sigh and whispered, “Thanks, Ruby. I, um… I think you really wanted this to be… like, our first time? And… now it can’t be.”

“Y-yeah, I um, I’ve heard that… people with dicks can’t go again when they’re done.” To her credit, she did remember not to say “guys” that time. “But it’s cool! You finished, and I’m happy to help. Oh, and speaking of which…”

As Yang watched, fascinated and still embarrassed, Ruby pulled the condom off and threw it and the wrapper away, then wiped her hands on a tissue and tossed that before returning to the bed. In the meantime, Yang pulled her shorts back up; she didn’t want Ruby’s first real look at her anatomy being when it was freshly-milked and half-hard, coated in leftover lube and her own juices.

“Awww,” Ruby cooed as she returned to the bed. “I wanted to play with that.”

“Not tonight,” Yang said with a half-smile. “Maybe… I can do something for you?”

But when her hands fell to Ruby’s waist, the girl looked down with a self-conscious giggle. “N-nah. I m-mean, I, um… I don’t think I’m…” Then she cleared her throat. “I thought I was ready to go there with you, I guess, but like, just you doing it for me is different somehow. That’s probably really dumb.”

Wrapping her arms around Ruby’s back instead, she simply laid next to her for a long moment. Then, once they were a little more comfortable, she spoke.

“It’s not dumb. It’s… sweet, in a way. But I think… I think I’d be okay playing with you now. And I know, I was kinda weird about it at first, because of the sister thing. But by now I think we’re kind of past that, I guess. So… if you change your mind, I could try a hand, at least. O-or something.”

“Listen to us,” Ruby giggled quietly. “Both pretty nervous. I, um… I think it’s kind of more fun with you being my sister. No, wait!” she squeaked when Yang drew back in shock. “You know, because we’re kind of, like… destined to be together, because we’re related? I know, I’m crazy, but it’s weirdly romantic to me.”

Shaking her head, she pushed her face into her sister’s neck. “You think too much. But… maybe, yeah. And…” She’d been worrying about this for a long time. “And I kind of deserve this, for being such a jerk when you were little. Telling you that you were ‘dumb’ or whatever, and that I didn't like you. Like, what makes more karmic sense than for me to fall in love with you and have to eat my own words?”

“So you think of this as a punishment? Me jerking you off is a punishment?”

“What? Oh! Shit, no, that totally isn’t-” But Ruby’s laughter cut her off, and she grunted, “You butt…”

“Yeah, you like my butt.”

“All of you is on the list, and all of you is a butt,” she sighed as she snuggled against her even more closely. “Big, ridonk badonkadonk.”

[hypnokinkwithmrdream]

TES Presentation Notes (Nov 7th) Introduction To Hypnokink

Posted To Fetlife 11/8/2012

I actually have a handout that I was working on which I will try to get out early but I wanted to write down my notes before too long.

We started out with a quick introduction and then I gave a little ‘demo’ of a non-consentual scene as an example of the fantasy of hypnosis, although that was pretty hot and I think ZanyM would have been happy if we had gone a bit further.

At that point I talked a bit about consent and intent. I am very into intent lately. I know it seems obvious but I think one of the biggest challenges a hypnotist faces is 'what now’. I would really like to give a class almost entirely on how to think about your induction and deepening techniques based on your intent.

Demonstration Scene

This is intended to be an example of a full scene through the stages of Negotiation->Pre-Induction Talk->Induction->Deepening->Trance trigger->Post Hypnotic Suggestion->Awakening->Convincing->Retrance->Layering->Cleanup->Awakening

Negotiation/Pre-Induction

In this case I had a lovely volunteer (voluntold) who I was already friendly with, so it was a relatively easy negotiation. It is often the case that a subject isn’t sure what he is looking for so it is good to have a menu. In this case I offered classic D/s, bondage, sensation play, and transformation, and she chose sensation play. I managed to forget to ask for permission to touch partially because we are already friends but I brought it up a little later. I also forgot to mention that I was going to give a trance trigger which I would later remove. I have been trying to discuss these things ahead of time both because it is good manners and because it strengthens the trance trigger. I did my typical effort to suggest safe and appropriate trance and ability to come out of trance instantly when there was a reason for it.

Induction

The induction was done standing but I had my assistant have a chair prepared in case the subject needed it. We began holding hands and doing eye contact as I spoke. I told her that I would be speaking more loudly because of the class and we talked about how she felt with people watching. I discussed how she would be hearing things and having distractions and it was okay for her to notice them and then come back into trance. I noticed that she was starting to sway with me and I mentioned it. At that point she was already in a light trance so I let one hand go as a test and used it to drop her a bit more. She was in a pretty deep trance and I saw her getting less stable so I made the suggestion that she could fall forward and I got most of her weight.

I could feel her knees starting to buckle so we got the chair, got her seated, and I used sitting as a deepener as well.

Installing the Trance Trigger

I gave her a simple trance trigger and dropped her pretty far. The technique I use is something like “Because you like to feel this way and want it to be easier and stronger everytime I can give you a phrase that will let you go very deep very easily, and do you want that? <Wait for response> That’s right so the trance phrase is going to be and anytime you hear my voice say you go deeper, just like that and every time *** makes you deeper and deeper, and because we want it to be safe you know this will only last for a little bit but for now it will be very strong”…

I did a bit of repetition until I felt like she was responding pretty quickly and automatically, and then I went to do the PHS.

Post hypnotic Suggestion

I began by telling her that I was now going to give her something that would be fun and would feel good, and taking her hand, I touched the center and suggested that there was a good feeling that she could feel whenever I touched that part of her hand. I allowed her to find something that made her smile and then I began to anchor that to the touch.

I also demonstrated meta anchor of moving the feeling up towards her heart which definitely got a response, and then I reintensified it in her hand. Her responses were always good clear ones.

Waking

I brought her out of trance and she seemed wide awake. I motioned for everyone to give her an applause and I put out my hand which she took not realizing the impact, which had her back on her seat and responding strongly. I then apologized for giving her the trance trigger without talking about it first, and triggered her with it which worked very nicely. A few more times and she was deeper.

Reinforcement

I demonstrated how if one palm was good two were better, and used that to put the trigger on both hands and did some play with pulsing and alternating. I then put her hands together which she played with for a bit. I talked about how touch could feel electric as well because the nervous system has electricity.

Cleanup

At this point I began cleanup, brought her deeper, and she responded well to the suggestion that the hand trigger would fade to a nice feeling that was less intense. I removed the trance trigger carefully and tested that it was clear. This process requires a little effort because you basically have to tell the subconscious that it is okay to let go of the good stuff because it will be there some other time. Lately I have found that by spending a little bit more time with cleanup that I have not had repeats of triggers staying after they were supposed to end.

Summary

The subject was able to experience the full range of a hypnotic scene. The group asked questions and I felt we managed to explain a lot of the components. Interesting after effects were that the subject was surprised to hear it was a 30 minute trance. Her sense was that it was shorter. Also her sensation was different than the thing she was imagining. She remembers feeling electricity rather than the feeling she started off with. I am not sure if this is because I suggested electricity later in the trance.

#Demonstration Scene II In my second demonstration it was intended to be a standard Cerbonne Butterfly trance. The subject was actually someone I had never met before, and I had no real connection with. In fact I would not have assumed she would make a good subject…

Pre-induction

I set up to do the induction in a sort of typical configuration with us sitting opposite of each other. I began speaking with her, asked permission to trance and touch. We spoke a bit about hyperfocus and I took her hand. At this point she looked over at the audience and was distracted. I asked why and she said because the front row participants were distracting her with a cupcake.

I asked her about being distracted by cupcakes, and I began to riff on the way she would smile when she heard the word cupcake. She was laughing at this, and I warned her about too much laughing, which made her laugh more, although she rationalized that it was just that cupcakes made her smile etc…

At this point I started up the classic induction, noting that the laughter and play had made her seem much more relaxed and able to focus.

Induction

I won’t go too into the details of the induction. You can look up a Cerbonne butterfly, but some interesting aspects. I was holding her hand and talk and she was not entirely relaxed but she had good eye contact and I could see she was starting to lacrimate and have eye flutter even at this point. The moment I began to have her follow my fingers, her hand relaxed completely, the signs of light trance were evident, her face relaxed and while I went a little bit longer than I needed to, the signal to drop (butterfly goes down, hand signals/tugs, command to sleep worked well. I noticed that she was not inclined to lean into me as some people like, so as she began to tilt away I adjusted her and said to lean back and go deeper (this is basic technique of using what is happening as a suggestion rather than trying to push against someones responses).

She went pretty deep and because the cupcake thing had started it, I gave a light suggestion that if I called her cupcake or said cupcake she would laugh and feel good, but it was not intense.

She came out of trance and seemed to have a good experience.

We proceeded to discuss what had happened and we repeated the induction but slowly and with breaks so that people could see it. I then discussed some of the ways to note trance state and had her face the room so that I could show more clearly what I meant.

Reinduction

At this point someone asked me something and I demonstrated an indirect induction by saying to the subject that I didn’t know how quickly she would go into a trance and if she would go deeper this time and maybe she didnt know either but it was okay and she dropped very deep very fast. I turned back to the audience and explained that by talking to them and not to her I was creating an opportunity for her to go even deeper into her own mind, unguided, and in some ways dissociated from me. We discussed this and she was clearly in a very deep state. I then said wake up cupcake and she laughed.

Then she said that she remembered laughing.

This all lasted about 3 minutes. She felt like it was a very long time. It was good to see this aspect of time dilation (with the first subject feeling like it was shorter and the second feeling it was longer).

Workshoping

We went into workshop mode and we had a few people doing the inductions. I think in general they riffed, which I appreciated since most of what I discuss involves adapting and awareness. I think they got good experiences.

We then did a very fast kinesthetic induction (stand behind subject and touch shoulders until the body is moving almost without conscious control…) it wasn’t my best demonstration but I think it gave folks a sense.

I am sure I missed some things. There were several hot demonstrations with ZanyM, there were some really good points that were made and discussed involving relationship to interogation scenes and so on.

In all this was the first time that I have gone with Demo first, and it worked well. I would probably be happy to do a 4 hour session with multiple demos and then practice things, but this wasn’t entirely the right place to do it. The group however was great and I felt good with everyone’s responses.

If you have comments or corrections to provide please feel free to add them to the comment section. I will probably clean this up. Handout to come as well.

David

[chipsanddespair]

As the U.S. labor force crests again, a new complex of problems locks many Americans out of the workplace.

Even at so-called full employment, some 20 million Americans are left behind.

Theyre looking for work, out of the labor force but unhappy about it, or report working part-time when theyd prefer more hours, according to data released last week. Their plight comes even as the U.S. flirts with what economists consider the maximum level of employment for the first time since before the recession, having added 15.8 million jobs since the start of 2010. While some of Americas jobless are simply between gigs, those persistently stuck out of work are called the structurally unemployed.

President Donald Trump said wrongly last month that 96 million people are looking for work, having included Americans who are still in school, retired, or just uninterested. Yet his words resonated in a country where economic insecurity is distributed unequally and cruellyfar deeper in Mingo, W. Va., than in midtown Manhattan.

Because of where the structurally unemployed live, what theyve done, or the skills they lack, employers cant or wont hire them. The problems that keep today’s jobless stuck on the sidelines are different than those of past recoveries: a complex web of often interrelated issues from disability and drug use to criminal records.

Behind the statistics are people with 20 million unique stories. Here are five.

President Donald Trump said wrongly last month that 96 million people are looking for work, having included Americans who are still in school, retired, or just uninterested. Yet his words resonated in a country where economic insecurity is distributed unequally and cruellyfar deeper in Mingo, W. Va., than in midtown Manhattan.

Because of where the structurally unemployed live, what theyve done, or the skills they lack, employers cant or wont hire them. The problems that keep today’s jobless stuck on the sidelines are different than those of past recoveries: a complex web of often interrelated issues from disability and drug use to criminal records.

Behind the statistics are people with 20 million unique stories. Here are five.

Fighting To Get Out of Mingo, W. Va.

Tyler Moores late-December drive to Louisville, Ky., was one of desperation. He was headed four hours west on Interstate 64 to interview for a job. Even if he landed the position, filling his gas tank had left him with $8 to his name. He would have to sleep at a friends place until he could earn enough to pay rent.

The 23-year-old had run out of options. Hed applied for dozens of jobs within an hour and a half of his hometown of Lovely, once a coal-mining stronghold. Instead of opportunities, he had found waiting lists.

Minimum-wage jobs, fast-food restaurants, Wal-Mart, anything like that, a lot of them has already been took, he says in an Appalachian drawl, explaining that the backlog just to interview was as long as a year. There are no jobs.

Moores story paints an extreme picture of how an economic environment can create a vicious circle of joblessness. While he is an imperfect job candidate, his flaws were molded by his upbringing in Martin County, Ky. and neighboring Mingo County, W. Va.

Moore takes advice from Therese Carew, a nun and counselor

His problems started in earnest in 2014. He had been living on his own for several years, having moved out at 18 after dropping out of high school, obtaining his GED, and going to work in security at a coal company. Moore is gay in an intensely conservative region, and he said he left school because of bullying.

Moore lost his job in late 2013 after smoking marijuana and failing a drug test. Though he found temporary work as a remote customer service representative, he lost that one when his mother died of a drug overdose in 2014 and he had to plan her funeral.

Deeply depressed and unemployed, he moved into an old Airstream camper propped on cinder blocks behind his fathers house, at the entrance to the litter-strewn trailer park that the older man owns in the misty hills of Lovely. There, surrounded by long-unemployed neighbors and rampant drug use, Moore began to abuse his medical prescriptions. I guess I used it as my crutch, in a way, he says.

Moore began getting in fights while drugged and was arrested twice. When he landed in jail for several months, he realized things needed to change. He graduated from a rehabilitation program in September, one year, one month, and 15 days after that last altercation. Since then, hes deepened his friendship with Sister Therese Carew, a Catholic nun who ministers to the region, and dedicated his time to job seeking.

Opportunities are few. Coal mines have been closing, and theyve taken most other businesses with them.

To employers outside the area, the fact that Moore is neatly groomed, soft-spoken, and polite cant mask his history. Whats more, hes the first to admit that the math skills he learned in the local public schoolswhere only eight in 10 students graduatearent up to par, and his speaking patterns are colored by regional grammar.

His situation is difficult, but Moore has found a reason to hope.

Coal work, once a mainstay, has become scarce in Appalachia

He didnt get the job for which he made that 240-mile (386-kilometer) drive, but he dropped in to his old rehab center on the way home. When he explained his predicament, the director of operations told him that he could come back until he gets on his feet. The group has found a job for him in plastics manufacturing that could turn full-time after a 30-day probation period. The position is enabling him to pay $100 a week in rent. Its a chance to build an employment record as he fights to have his record expunged.

Still, moving out requires a tough tradeoff: Moore would have preferred to stay close to home, because his family is still in Kentucky and his father is in his seventies. And the job probably isnt a pathway to wealth and ease. But what Moore wants most is mere self-sufficiency.

A simple lifestyle, but being able to have work: I aint got to have nothing exquisite, he says.

David Wolf wears his journey through drugs and crime on his arm.

Branded as Untouchable by a Felony Rap

These days, David Wolf doesnt allow himself to get excited by the news of a job offer. Most get rescinded within days. Its happened at least a hundred times, he said.

In 2012, Wolf was convicted of faking a name and Social Security number to get prescription painkillers. Now the 40-year-old father of three and former Marine, who has an associates degree from St. Petersburg College, has struggled to find employment. He’s received so many retracted offers that hes lost count.

I get more interviews that I can shake my stick at, but again, it always comes back around to the denominator of being a felon, Wolf says from his small, one-level ranch house in a Tampa, Fla., suburb, where religious imagery and family photos decorate his walls. For many, many years, I pretty much got whatever job I wanted. I was able to do anything I felt like doing. Its really been a humbling experience

Wolf researches employment options at a career center in New Port Richey, Fla

Wolf, whose chaotic life before he got clean included several domestic battery and drug-related charges, is one of the more than a half-million people who are released from U.S. federal and state prison every year. The influx occurs as the nation comes out of a decades-long war on illegal drugs. Implementation of stricter laws and tougher enforcement that led to a mushrooming of incarcerations and a booming ex-offender population. Before his identity theft conviction five years ago, Wolf held several jobs in sales and marketing, managed a call center, and served as a recruiter for the U.S. Marines. Since, he and his family have since lived off food stamps and cash assistance.

They wouldnt even hire me to sell Christmas trees at a Home Depot through an employment agency, he says. A lot of times the hiring managers feel like they have their hands tied, due to company policy. Its something that really needs to change. Not only can I not get a job, but I cant get a job with a living wage for my family. I have three children. I have a wife. Im not a bad guy.

Wolf shares his home with his second wife, his toddler, and a cat he gently picks up every time it scurries into the living room. Nearly half of U.S. children now have at least one parent with a criminal record.

A Corinthians verse, Love is patient, love is kind, love never fails, decorates a sofa cushion. Outside his living room window, children gather by a school bus stop as the morning fog lifts in the modest neighborhood of Holiday, Fla.

Less than a 10-minute drive away, he spends his free time volunteering at a Mormon church, where he also gets career training. A workshop book, The Lord Would Want You to Be Successful, rests on his living-rooms desk. Men with criminal records now account for about 34 percent of nonworking men aged from 25 and 54 years old, otherwise known as prime working age.

Family photographs on the piano at Wolfs home in Holiday, Fla.

Myself and many other felons, and were facing demons, downtime isnt a good thing, he says. Almost half of released inmates are arrested again within eight years, either for new offenses or for violating the conditions of their release. Were getting food stamps and cash assistance. We dont like being on it. But the society that looks down on those receiving assistance is the same society that wont hire me, and the same society that judges criminals when they reoffend.

He had the word forgiven inked on his forearm after a stint in rehab. On the worst days of his addiction, which started following a car crash more than a decade ago, Wolf remembers taking as many as 40 pills in one day. OxyContin, Percocet, and Vicodin were his usual ones.

It affected me, seeing guys that have sentences of 20, 30 years. This is a vicious, vicious circle, and were not going anywhere.

Leroy Moore, one of almost 9 million Americans who receive disability insurance, spends nearly half of his monthly check on his apartment.

[the-warmest-hands]

November has come

monday: ran to utegym at polo fields and then ran back. went to spoke easy before they even opened and got a loaner stem, still needa order a real one. stuck my old bars on which kinda fit? (later on i tried to gun it on balboa bump and handlebars moved, soooooo maybe it doesn’t fit) went to school on that shit anyway no bar tape, so cold bars. COLD BARS COLD HANDS in arch worked on science room with ray, it was good and we made progress tuesday: sore from utegym cuz weak, did stretch (eric goodman), went to volunteering where i shoveled a hundred loads of wood chips and got a blister from hauling wheelbarrows of that shit. it was fun af tho cuz strong and also fatigue then went to work where it was chill af and the perfect amount of orders also it was halloween and i ate some candy. also sayaka put a eyeball bow in my hair cuz i was looking very unfestive wednesday: decided to be lazy and not go to utegym. then dressed super nice (in emily’s clothes) and didn’t even bike to school but i looked fly as fuck!!!!!!! and then got nothing done in arch. bussed home and read more of jacques pepin memoir which was so fucking good then biked to work more perfect level of work then biked home in less than 5 minutes cuz im fast af

damn im tired

tomorrow gonna utegym. gotta get dem abs #swimmerBodNoSwim also it’s november also work is dope yo fuckin dig that shit

thurs: no utegym cuz woke up late. dragged my ass to volunteering. then work. chill timez friday: utegym! then trip planning and quick stop at spoke easy to order replacement parts. then work. work was good. j is back

saTURDay: transplanting at OH50 / work 4 dayz

sunday: BUILD TABLE went to discount builders for studs, carried them the 4 blocks to noisebridge, measured and cut our pieces, then sanded, then started nailing shit together. coulda done a better job planning cuz we then had to use wood glue cuz we didnt want to have the screws be visible. clamped and left it there to dry

monday: science room with ray at enchante, then bussed to noisebridge to meet emily and do minor sanding. took table home via uber

tuesday: volunteering (tired af) trapping gophers! / work (still tired af)

wednesday: school? what the fuck i don’t even remember cuz i’m tired af hung out with ray and we got no work done because we were just talking about food (and now i have to do a million fucking things), then work which was brutal

thursday: biked to get various errand shit in potrero hill / discount builders since we were going that way anyway and apparently every other hardware store is like $$$$$$$ because fucking idfk, bought some pants at xroads cuz one of my two pairs of jeans ripped on tuesday (in the bikeseat crotch area, same demise as all previous pairs of pants) (maybe i should get a new saddle) (with what money tho) (but actually maybe) then went to work which was brutal also now i’m home and uhh i have to do homework

also since i like to be stressed all the goddamn time i’m going to spend all of my free time browsing requirements for grad school

why

why do this

i never even fucking browse internet anymore

because i am literally never on my laptop

because i have no goddamn time

this year is almost over

plz hurry

oh also splurged and got myself a croissant at arsicault finally (seriously i needa stop going to places just to buy shit for other people and not buying anything for myself??? DO THEY EVEN DESERVE IT) (but also seriously stop. i have no money for this) (also got emily one too cuz i mean, almond croissant? that had her name on it) (but also seriously. poverty rules everything around me. PREAM) (ok i want to die bye tumblr) (also misha are u happy w these xanga-esque angst posts LMAO all 4 u bro) (jk i know u have no time to read my bs)

also been listening to rly dope music lately like ACE OF BASE the best this shit gonna get me thru the rest of 2017 like how 3EB got me thru every programming job ever (”got me thru” aka “kept me from quitting even sooner” LMAO) goodbye tech forever goodnight moon

friday: wtf day even is it woke up worked on science room cuz ray couldn’t meet up for whatever reason who gaf (but also prolly i was more productive since i didn’t waste a hundred hours chatting) listened to a lot of ace of base a lot still listening to ace of base actually then went to work after i spent a hundred hours doing 1 insignificant af thing

work was ok started slow, then more orders, also ate a lot of candy in effort to stay alive talked to bosses after work and they said i was doing a good job but also seem to always be in a trance whenever im prepping. aka being slow af. okkkkkkk i will work harder on this also im dying and im prolly gonna cut OH50 tomorrow because i honestly can’t or i could just take the bus there and bring my laptop and work on science room project or i could not take the bus there and just work on science room project at home

i needa ride my bike on monday at polo field im dying

i need to clear my head

saturday: k i cut OH50 because i frankly couldn’t be bothered, and also did fucking nothing broke my window cuz i sat on it while putting up lights so now i have to fix this also my phone for some fucking reason isn’t charging so i have to figure out wtf is going on there uh work was good idk bosses gave me birthday gifts