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psychicprincesscreation · 4 years ago

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NUANCE

Edit 7 (7/12): I didn't realize I kept breaking the link when I was trying to come up with a good title lol my bad.

Last two titles: "I'm not your bass-slut anymore." (That didn't exactly fit the narrative.)

"Don't fuck your idols. :)"

Since everyone is talking about accountability, let me put it succinctly: I was 22, this was consensual for me, I was a "groupie" who knowingly emotionally cheated on my then-bf with Bassnectar for months, I broke it off & moved out because I expected more from the relationship than I ever got.

As one person on IG stated: I was just a groupie whose fantasy didn't go the way I wanted it to. Lol it's true, but that isn't the whole story.

I know it's easy to focus on how I was "old enough to know better" and the harmful choices that I made, but don't forget that Bassnectar actively pursued me even after finding out about my boyfriend -- I'm sure he wouldn't have had any problem finding a single girl to talk to instead, given his stature.

He offered me concert tickets, plane tickets, money to buy an apartment, he told me to email him as often as possible, he told me to keep everything a secret and to lie to my boyfriend over and over.

He tried to "save" me with controlling advice about eating, sleeping, not partying (ironic, considering that he is a DJ) not pursuing music journalism, not hanging out with any male friends whatsoever, where I "should" work. This was all before we ever met in person.

People don't realize how hard it is to say no to your idols, especially when they are CONSTANTLY offering gifts that I considered very extravagant at my age.

This wasn't a normal affair; I had absolutely nothing to offer Bassnectar but myself, yet he spoke to me like I was a star. He told me we could "go deep" and that he wanted to "mate" with me.

Of course my dumbass young-adult drug-addled mind is going to fall in love with the idea of him.

CONSENT IS NOT DEFINITIVE. I didn't consent to a relationship as two normal people sneaking around. I became a cheating asshole who was misled by a rich & famous liar. I never said what I did was right -- in fact, I made it very clear that I did something wrong, too.

I also said that my story is NOT as bad as the other accusers'. I absolutely do NOT think that I had it worse than anyone else. I think my story is important because it shows that his behavior wasn't limited to people underage.

Hopefully my candor denotes honesty and by admitting my faults in this situation, people can see that Bassnectar's emotional manipulation was real and calculated, and most certainly did not start or end with me.

Side note: Apparently Bassnectar DOES cuddle... I guess he just didn't want to cuddle me that night. Ouch! :)

Edit 6 (7/12): Too many typos to fix so I'm just leaving them now lol. Added detail.

Edit 5 (7/12): Just because I say I'm slutty and I like sluts, doesn't mean every girl/women who was involved with Bassnectar is a slut. I'm just owning that label to change MY narrative for MYSELF. I really don't think there's anything wrong with being slutty -- it's always the rest of the world that has a problem.

I wrote this stream-of-consciousness, so I wanted to mention that sometimes my statements that involve other women may seem brusque, but I'm on the women's side. I mean to convey disdain for the way Bassnectar treated us (as a secret "harem",) rather than jealousy or annoyance toward the women. I hope it comes off that way, but I don't know who is reading this and how some might interpret my words.

Edit 4 (7/10):

Removed names. A story mentioned in this post wasn’t true. Either just a lie (to make someone look bad,) or I don’t remember it properly ‘cause it’s been so long. If it was my fault: my bad.

Edit 3 (7/7):

FIXED SOME TYPOS!

Edit 2 (7/7):

I like sluts. Stop making us feel bad for wanting love *and sex, too.

Another thought: Bassnectar probably pursued a relationship with me because I had a boyfriend. Therefore, I would be more secretive and would have to take some of the responsibility and guilt in this situation, too. And that is true. I do feel guilty about the lying and sneaking. I think that it was inevitable that I would break up with my then-boyfriend, but it really wasn’t Bassnectar’s place to accelerate the break-up by giving me the impression that Bassnectar would be my boyfriend instead. This wasn’t friendly advice given to me by someone older, this was tactical. It makes me wonder if a lot of girls/women don’t want to come forward because they are afraid that the truth will come out about their own affairs?

Don’t be afraid to tell your story because women-hating assholes try to dissect and expose your secrets in an attempt to discredit you! Bassnectar is the one who needs to be exposed for HIS indiscretions -- this is about what HE did wrong. Edit 1 (7/7):

- Bassnectar told me that he was coming to NYC and because we had an online relationship, I thought that he was coming to see me. My friend told me today that Gov Ball 2013 was the same weekend, so I think he may have actually been in NYC for that reason (I don’t think he was scheduled to play on the flyer,) but I was delusional about it. - I removed the screenshot of his phone number from the post because I don’t want to violate any doxx rules. I am still willing to compare this phone number with other women/accusers to corroborate our stories. :) - This is my story told from my perspective. I was an adult and I’m not posting this with the intent of legal action, or revenge (although I do admit that this relationship was devastating and heartbreaking for me.) I just want people to know what kind of person he is. - My story is not as harrowing as some of the other accusers’, but that doesn’t make it invalid. - Even now, reliving everything hurts me and I wish I could say that it was real, but now that I’m older I am wise enough to know that it was all lies. - I stand with the women who Bassnectar has hurt in similar, or worse, ways.

----

My relationship was short-lived, but it was so eventful for me that I remember it clearly. I'm mentioning many minuscule details because I think that could help prove the validity of other victims' stories.

Writing in bullet points because it's easier for me to sort through the memories. I'm calling him Bassnectar because the "Lorin" I was talking to is someone that I feel hurt and appalled by now.

• I don't have social media/email screenshots because I deactivated my Facebook and Twitter years ago. Bassnectar asked me specifically to delete our emails because his "girlfriend had caught him" and asked me to get rid of the evidence because she was "demolished." (I will go into a bit more detail about that later on.) • I don’t have a “smoking gun” that skeptics are looking for, but that’s what happens when someone asks you to keep everything a secret and delete everything that shows you were communicating.

----

• This happened in 2013 over many months, plus Bassnectar texted me a few times about once a year after our "relationship" ended. • I was 22 at the time. I'm from NYC and frequently went to clubs, shows, events, and festivals with my then-boyfriend (who I lived with) & the same group of friends. • Bassnectar was one of our favorite artists and we'd seen him perform several times in several states. • My friends had a private Facebook group where we'd tell each other about shows and make arrangements to travel/meet up/stay over each other's places. • I was very interested in music journalism at the time and occasionally wrote show reviews for my friend's online music magazine. • I actively used Twitter. I basically tweeted at every DJ we liked, and always posted reply screenshots in our private Facebook group to share with my friends. • Things became complicated with my then-boyfriend, but we still lived together. We had recently gotten back together around the first time Bassnectar DM'd me on Twitter.

• Bassnectar responded to a Twitter pic I posted of our mini-fridge with a Bassnectar logo sticker and said that he "liked my fridge" or something. • I screenshotted this and posted it in my group because he was the biggest artist who had responded to me at that point. • I thought I could use this as an opportunity to interview him for my friend's mag. • After I already posted the screenshot in my group and had responded to his DM, he sent another message asking me not to screenshot him because he "hates that." • I deleted the screenshot from the friend Facebook group. I stopped screenshotting and sharing our conversations with my FB group immediately after he asked. • I continued to chat with Bassnectar via Twitter and said that I was a big fan of his merch and that I bought several things at all the shows I've attended. • I asked to interview him at some point in the conversation, and he skirted over the request. • Instead, he gave me his email (bassnectar2012) and asked me to send him merchandise ideas. • I slapped together a few simple, quick ideas on Photoshop or something and sent them to him.

(I don’t know how to embed a picture on Tumblr lol -- will update.) • You can see that the image I sent is no big deal, and all the files were similar, but he responded as if they were the greatest things he had ever seen. He definitely made me feel special and talented. • We emailed regularly and relatively frequently for days. • Emails are exchanged back-and-forth and eventually I asked to interview him again and he agreed. • I gave him my number and he called me. My then-boyfriend was aware that I was in contact with Bassnectar, with my original intention of interviewing him. • My then-bf was in the room when Bassnectar called me for the first time. • Bassnectar didn't want to be interviewed; he wanted to get to know me. I agreed to just chat at first. • He told me not to call him Bassnectar because that was his "band" and that I should call him Lorin. • At some point he asked if I had a boyfriend and I told him no, even though things were complicated with my then-bf and we were technically together. > I know I'm going to be chastised for doing this, but I've learned years ago that I made a bad choice. Honestly, I still wanted an interview, and I am well-known for leading with my sexuality. This is when I started becoming deceitful with my then-partner. Simply put, I was just more enticed by the idea of advancing my career, and eventually the allure of potentially being Bassnectar's girlfriend, so lying seemed best. Just because I’m flawed, too, doesn’t mean Bassnectar did nothing wrong.

• My then-bf confronted me about not saying that we were together. I felt guilty and the next time I spoke to Bassnectar, I confessed that I was back together with my then-boyfriend and I wasn't single. (I don't remember if it was via text or voice call.) • Bassnectar was upset that I lied, but continued to talk to me nonetheless through text and email.

• He made me feel like my writing was profound and touching, and that we were falling in love. • He would tell me that he wanted to "bring me the sun," or "get me a puppy." He said things that were romantic and poetic and I felt heartened to respond to what I thought was love. • He said he had $10,000 in his mattress and he wanted to get me an apartment in NYC, so I didn't have to live with my then-bf anymore. • He would text me before and sometimes immediately after he played shows then say he was going to sleep by like 12am (typically.) It was easy to keep up with where he was playing via social media. • He offered to fly me to his show in Red Rocks so I could attend. (I didn't accept.)

• He called me from time-to-time and told me not to tell my then-bf who I was speaking to. • One day he had me call a different phone number, which he said was his "home phone." • He told me a story about a beautiful girl named (removed)? Who he had a falling out with because she mentioned that Bassnectar told her that he didn't like Steve Aoki. (I don't remember that story in detail -- I think he was telling me so I wouldn't tell other people when he talked about other artists.) > Edit (7/10): This person messaged me to say that’s not what actually what happened between them. • One day I was speaking to Bassnectar on the phone and didn't answer when my then-bf called on his way home from college classes (I always answered right away.) He asked who I was speaking to and I admitted "Lorin."

• When I called Bassnectar back, he became annoyed that I told the truth and said that I should tell my then-bf that I meant my girlfriend Lauren instead. • I began to sneak around more, lie more often about who I was speaking to on the phone, and texted or emailed Bassnectar almost every single day. • He said we should skip Camp Bisco 2013 and just spend time together. (Obviously anyone who attended Camp Bisco knows that didn't actually happen lol.) • He was flirtatious, charming, and always offered me tickets to events, or sometimes to fly me to where he was. I didn't accept any of this then.

• He told me that I shouldn't do any drugs, not even smoke weed. All of my friends were casually experimenting back then, and I was equally as candid as I am now about everything I did. He told me not to do drugs at his shows, or any shows, and especially not around guy friends. • Me and my friends traveled to see a show in Philly and stayed with friends. When I texted saying I was mostly with guys (my friend group was mostly guys at the time,) he asked if I "felt safe" and offered to get me a hotel. I thought it was unusual because I always felt very protected by my male friends. • He told me that I shouldn't hang out with guy friends, or have guy friends at all. • He told me that guy friends all wanted to sleep with me and I didn't realize it. • He told me I should eat healthier and exercise regularly -- it was very weird and controlling. He just didn’t want me to be myself. • He told me that he had a girlfriend who had two abortions. I think because we were talking about relationships? • He told me that he grew up in a hippie commune and was Christian and he questioned his priest and that his mom was a poet laureate. It just seemed like he wanted me to get to know him at the time. • He told me I was co-dependent with my boyfriend and that I needed to become independent and move out. • He told me I should make lists of my life goals as an independent person and email it to him. • He told me not to tell anyone about us talking. I told all of my girl friends, but it was a "girl code" situation and none of the guys or my then-bf knew what was going on. • We talked A LOT and often, but all of this only happened in a matter of months.

• Time passes and our emotional affair eventually becomes physically intimate when he says that he is going to fly to NYC. This is JUNE 2013! He played at Electric Zoo 2013, but that wasn't until Labor Day, so I'm not sure why he really needed to go to NYC, but it definitely wasn't for a show because me and my friends would have been there. > NOTE (7/7): My friend read this and mentioned that Gov Ball 2013 was the weekend before, so there is a good chance that Bassnectar was already in NYC for some reason and didn't actually come to see me personally like I was led to believe. lol.

• He alleged that he would see me again around Labor Day when he came back for EZoo, too.

• I am from Staten Island, and wasn't totally familiar with Manhattan's layout at the time, but I think that the hotel he was staying at was in Midtown. It's been 7 years since this happened, but I tried my damnedest today to figure out exactly which hotel it was -- there are soo many in that area alone. • If Bassnectar says any of this isn't true, then he's lying because there will definitely be a plane ticket or something with his name on it to NYC in JUNE 2013. > NOTE (7/7): I thought he was there to see me specifically, so the dates he told me was staying in NYC are probably not 100% accurate, but there is definitely some proof somewhere on his end that he came to NYC for whatever reason. The lies he told me are just coverup to make me lose credibility if this ever came out.

• He said he had a hotel for three days. I think it was a Mon-Wed? I took off work those days so I could see him everyday that he said he would be in NYC. If he has no record of checking into a hotel around the time I'm citing, then his manager probably did it for him. I believe his name is Carlos. (I'm going by the memory of what Bassnectar told me.)

• Bassnectar met me in person at the Staten Island Ferry (Manhattan side) and we walked to Battery Park and sat on a bench and talked. • I felt extremely shy and awkward because I knew that by meeting up in-person, I had given up with my now-ex. The whole thing was conflicting and unfair to so many people, but it was too late now. • Bassnectar frequently complimented me in person. He said things like, he was dying to smell my neck, that he loved my wrists because they were delicate like a bird's frame. • He said that he felt self-conscious that he would be recognized because he's used to being recognized in crowds. • He would pet and caress me, but didn't try to kiss me in public. • He told me that he got his hair washed at a hair salon and he gave the hair dresser a ($50 or $100?) tip and looked in the window to see her reaction and she was crying because she was so happy. • He convinced me to go back to his hotel. We took a cab there. It didn't take that long, which is why I'm convinced it was Midtown. He never told me which hotel it was, but I didn't realize it was actually because he didn't want a trail back to him. I guess it worked.

(I'm about to get very detailed about my memories, so trigger warning for making people feel uncomfortable.)

• When we got to his hotel, he became physical with me very quickly, but he said he wouldn't kiss me first. That I had to do it first. So I did. • It progressed into kissing, cuddling, him touching me all over in bed with our clothes on. He dirty-talked a lot. I also remember that he moaned and grunted a lot, and I wasn't used to any of that. • At one point, I untied his hair and let it down and he joked that I was making sure he was really Bassnectar and not his assistant that I was meeting. • He told me about his go-go dancer friend who had fake boobs. I can't remember why. • I remember him kissing me against the wall, and he said something like, I want to fuck you against the wall and hold you up with only my dick. It was way too specific to forget. (It didn't happen, though.) • We inevitably had full-on sex after the on/off touching/kissing/talking. • He said he didn't want to wear a condom at first, but he thought he should. We did, but it felt like a test to see what I would say. • I remember that he wanted me to have an orgasm, and I instructed him which position worked best for me. • He orgasmed by having sex with me from behind and asked me to look back at him. I remember him draping his long hair over my back. How could I forget that? -_- • One of my girl friends texted me ("How are you plants doing?" was our code phrase) to check in and make sure I was okay because she knew where I was. It was monumental for me, so I told her it was great. • I sat on his lap while he looked at his laptop. • We had these deep conversations about life, and love, and the future and it seemed so real to me at the time. • I remember that I told him I was unsure if we could be boyfriend/girlfriend because he was so much older than me (I think he was 35 at the time?) • He told me about about a girl he loved named X who was also around my age. I didn't think it was that weird because I was convinced he still really liked me best, but he probably had so many "Xs" and I was just another one. • At some point, he commented on Facebook (or Twitter?) in response to someone saying he was Illuminati. Honestly, it was like we were two people hanging out because of how normal everything felt after the sexual tension was gone.

• I remember having dinner with him at the restaurant across the street and talking about wanting to be a writer and he said I CAN'T WRITE ABOUT HIM EVER. (So it wasn't normal after all.)

• I remember, back at the hotel, he asked me perverted questions like, can you show me how you make yourself orgasm? He asked me to just demonstrate on his hand so he knew what to do next time. • I don't remember much more because I wasn't planning to stay. • My other girl friend had a job interview that day and we decided to meet at the ferry to take it home together. • On my way out, he walked me to the elevator and he gave me $50 to take a cab to the ferry and to use for a cab when I came back to see him tomorrow. (For my fellow New Yorkers who doubt this story, no, that wasn't enough fare for both trips, so the amount is definitely the truth lol.)

• I went to see Bassnectar again the next day. When I asked him for the hotel address or name, he wouldn't give it to me directly. He said it was because of people stalking him or something. I don't fucking know but it was obvious confusing bullshit and I think he gave me an address that was about a block away. I think he even said he would tell the cab driver the address over the phone. There was a lot of runaround to avoid saying the exact address. (Now the reason why seems obvious.) • My details are a bit fuzzy at this point because I remember meeting him outside the hotel and going up together, but I forget why we met outside and why we were both confused about which street the other person was standing on. • We went up to the hotel room, he worked on music on his laptop, while I sat on his lap and read Trainspotting on my Kindle. • He let me listen to what he was working on, but I don't remember it. I just remember that he was working with female vocals. • He told me he had to meet his guy friend in Williamsburg because his friend was making him lobster. Looking back, it was probably another girl.

• I asked to stay because I wanted to spend more time with him. I texted my now-ex-bf (who I still lived with) that I was staying with my friend. • Bassnectar said that normally he would say no, but for some reason he agreed and left me in the room with the room key and all his stuff. He either really trusted me, or really trusted how much control he had over me to leave me with his laptop. • I left at one point to get pizza, and came back. I watched TV, but couldn't sleep. He got back some hours later and he was drunk off wine, but I just wanted to cuddle and sleep. • He jokingly thanked me for not stealing his things. • Apparently Bassnectar DOESN'T cuddle and made that a point, but he did sleep in bed with me for a bit, before moving to the other bed in the middle of the night. (There were two beds in this hotel room.) • For anyone else who had sleepovers with Bassnectar, you know that he sleeps with his own fans for the white noise. So we slept in separate beds with his own personal fans on. It was all very bizarre. • We didn't have sex this day at all.

• The next morning I went to Duane Reade while he was still sleeping so I could get toiletries and shower since the sleepover was impromptu. • He had a meeting with someone (manager?) who was supposedly coming to stay in the room later that evening? (It was probably another girl though? idk)

• When he got back, he made me go over the list of accomplishments and goals he asked me to email to him. • He told me that I shouldn't be worried about finding someone to be in love with and it should be a lower priority on my list. • He told me that I should get a job at a restaurant or American Apparel or something and get a shitty starter apartment with only girls. • He said that finding an apartment that was pet-friendly shouldn't be a priority at all. I had a pet cat so if I moved out, that meant I would have to leave my cat behind, but that didn't matter to him. • He told me that if I wanted a serious boyfriend, I shouldn't let him see my legs or have sex with him for a long time. • When he finished life-coaching me, we watched a movie together. • He chose Spring Breakers because he was supposedly asked to do the musical score for it and turned it down (that's what he told me.) • At one point in the movie, Vanessa Hudgens jokingly gestures to her friends that she's giving a blowjob, and Bassnectar said he "didn't understand why girls sucked dick." • We had sex once more, more quickly than the first time and with much less romance. I can't remember much because I just remember feeling sad about leaving soon and like he was blowing me off suddenly. • We took a shower together after.

• I packed up my stuff and before I left he gave me $1000 in cash without warning and told me I could use it to help put a down payment for an apartment or something, but I should pay him back because it would be "good for me." > Looking back, when he left for a short while that morning, it was probably to take out cash to give me when I left. • He didn't walk me to the elevator this time and he sat on his laptop while I left feeling very cheap, stupid, and crushed.

• Time passes and we talk less and less. I'm heartbroken, but still make moves to find a job and move out of my ex's ASAP. • I email Bassnectar a diatribe saying I'm feeling hurt and abandoned. I say that I felt betrayed that he made me think we were essentially going to be together after I left my boyfriend and it turned out to be all lies. • I'm having lunch with friends when he calls me and is angry saying that he told me what I should do to make my life better and that he can't just give me a job or do anything for me and that I need to do things for myself. • My friends walk over to the car where I'm on the phone and when I say I'm ready to go, he asks who I'm speaking to and I say, "my friends." • He yells at me and asks why I'm talking to him on the phone when my friends are around (he asked if he could call and I said it was okay, I didn't know we were supposed to be alone.) I tell him I will call him back. • I text him and ask to call back and his mood flipped and he's suddenly super kind and apologetic and tells me he just wants me to be independent. He reminds me that I'M the one who told HIM that he was too old for me and we can't be boyfriend and girlfriend. • I am heartbroken all over again, but I move on with my life and move out within the next month or so.

> I actually did get a waitressing job as per his suggestion and saved money from that + the grocery store I already worked at and moved to BK by August 2013. I didn't use the money he gave me at first because I thought it was a reason for us to see each other again, and I was afraid to spend it in case I couldn't earn enough to pay him back by the time I saw him. (I never saw him again, though.) > In case you're wondering, I did spend it eventually when I started to resent him for blowing me off.

• I speak to Bassnectar very rarely, and only via text. He doesn't call anymore, even when I ask. • One day while I'm at work, he sends me a video of a beach he's supposedly vacationing at. • When we DO speak, he asks for nudes, usually. • When I send them, he says he feels guilty since “he has a girlfriend” and that we should stop. • Contact is so infrequent, when we catch up about my life, he gets annoyed if I mention I'm seeing any guys, but I never think he really cares because he stopped caring about me a long time ago. (If he ever did at all.)

• I still tried for months to maintain any kind of relationship with him because I truly thought we had something special, but he was always too busy for me. It fucking sucked because he was always in the back of my mind now that I was *~independent~* like he said he wanted me to be so many times.

• One random day when I was too busy to chat with him, I remember he actually DID call me because he said he lost a sound file and wanted me to record myself saying "I really like it." A few times to use on a track. I guess I took too long to get back bc 15 mins later, he texted to say he got it from someone else. I couldn't do it anyway because I was dealing with some other personal stuff. I forgot about it soon after. • I didn't listen to the album NSVB for a long time after it came out bc I was still hurt, but when I did.... I heard that fucking sound bite in whatever song it's on (I really don't care to know) and it fucked me up. • I was conflicted thinking, shit, did I blow my last chance for "us" ? I was still hung up on this asshole as if he were just some ex because of that emotional manipulation. • Would that have solidified what we supposedly had? Or would that have just been another way he used me? I began to resent him.

• Fast forward a few months and I'm drunk with my girl friend at home and text Bassnectar for the lols. I say that I should ask him for tickets to BASSLIGHTS 2013 in VA to make up for him being such an asshole. • Surprisingly he agrees on the condition that I only go with girl friends, don't do any drugs, and say that the Tix are left for me because I interviewed him. (Don't forget that no interview ever happened!)

• Before Basslights, he texts me and even asks me what songs he should play and I don't realize he's just stringing me along. Presumably it was just another plot to hook up. • Before we leave for VA, my friend who is driving admits that one of her OTHER friends secretly knows Bassnectar so we might be able to get into some party or backstage. Sooooo I guess she was another one of his "harem" that he was having a secret relationship with. (I don't mean anything negative towards that girl/woman, just that Bassnectar probably saw us this way and was playing *at least* the two of us at this time.) • My friends and I drive from NYC to VA and miss Bassnectar's set the first night because we arrived late, but the Tix were waiting for me at the box office. • If you get Bassnectar's guest list for Basslights 2013, my real name is on there. I'm sure a lot of other girls he manipulated are on there, too. • Bassnectar texts me and asks what I think of the show and I say I missed it. • He says he was thinking of me a lot during the show. • He texts me saying I should let him "vroom vroom in my girl power." Obviously he's alluding to sex, and I show the text to the friend who was at my place when I asked him for the Tix. He won't send a cab to get me at my hotel when I say sure, though, because he "has a girlfriend" again and he would feel bad. Maybe he was annoyed that I missed his set, maybe he picked someone else, maybe he actually was with his gf? Whatever. • I told him I didn't feel comfortable texting like that anymore because he said he had a gf. • He tells me I'm a good person.

• I am so hurt that I don't answer his texts at all anymore. • We go to Basslights night 2 and I get suuuuper fucked up with my friends (because fuck him) and have an awesome time and disassociate Bassnectar from his controlling bullshit. • I ignore him all the way back to NYC and just text to say I'm home. • He sends me an URGENT text saying that his gf suddenly found out about his gross infidelity and begs me to please delete all of our emails and texts. • I'm stupid and kind and fucking over him so I do it. He knew I would because he knew I was too nice of a person not to. • Bye bye evidence, though. :( I regret deleting those emails even now because I knew this misconduct shit would come out eventually with him.

• LOTS OF TIME PASSES. Now and again, Bassnectar would text me just to say what's up and I'd barely respond. This only happened approximately once a year. • I'm pretty sure this was just to make sure he was on my good side and there wasn't a chance that I was going to expose him. • I think the last time he texted me first was all the way back in 2016.

• The last few times we spoke were when he had a cancer scare and I texted to say sorry. • When I went to Moonrise Festival, I asked if we could meet and he blew me off. It's been so long, I didn't really expect him to say yes, but it was worth a try. • When me and my friends went to Electric Zoo and he closed, I texted him saying that we couldn't hear well from where we stood and left early. I think he was offended because he replied saying that no one else complained. • The last time I spoke to him, I knew he was playing at an event near me and asked for tickets again so I could see him and he said he would be with his girlfriend. It was a one-off thing and I thought it was worth the try. •There were no cordial conversations in-between the times I contacted him at all. Just me being lonely and single and still hanging on to this idyllic version of him that never fucking existed in the first place.

• I'm much older now and I know that a lot of this happened because of choices I made, but I was 22, starstruck, in a confusing relationship, partying, and desperate for an ethereal love that I sought in that music scene.

• I bet Bassnectar specifically targeted girls like me because (at least in my case) I was depressed, pumped full of mind-altering chemicals, pretty, and lonely. He acted like I was a unique, artistic, lost soul and he made me believe that he was the only one who could save me.

• At 22, you don't realize that a man 13+ years older than you shouldn't be asking you to keep your conversations a secret from everyone, asking you for nudes, asking you to lie to/break up with your boyfriend, inviting you to hotels, offering you gifts, and straight up giving you cash that you didn't ask for.

• But that man DEFINITELY knows he's doing something wrong, otherwise he wouldn't be sharing that hush money with you, or asking you to hide and delete everything.

• Because he would text me once in a while saying something like, "You cross my mind all the time," it would be enough for me to hang on to this hope that *maybe* there was still a chance. I couldn't see that it was just another manipulation tactic that worked well on me because I was still feeling the effect of the emotional annihilation from so long ago. :(

• I loathe how he made me feel for so long and it breaks my heart to know that there are so many other girls who were taken advantage of in worse ways by this egotistical LIAR in his position of power. Seriously, Bassnectar, fuck you.

ALSO: not sure if this was his burner phone or what, but here are the last two digits of the # he always contacted me with (sent in the DM). If any other victims want to corroborate by comparing numbers... Let me know.

(I REMOVED THE SCREENSHOT OF THE PHONE NUMBER IN CASE IT VIOLATES ANY DOX RULES, BUT I CAN SEND IT TO YOU DIRECTLY IF YOU ARE CONTACT WITH ME!) :)

---

#eab #bassnectar #metoo

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lildowdow123 · 5 years ago

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MLQC Guys being jealous (slight NSFW for Vic and Lu)

Hey everyone, I'm glad that people like my last piece so I decides to make another one. Hopefully you guys like it too. There may he some spoilers. If so I'll put it in ** so you can just be a Goldman and avert your eyes. Btw, in these, you're dating the s/o in question just to clear up any confusion

Also, feel free to drop me a message to ask me to do a particular scene. If I can, I'll do it

Exel own the bois

Lets get to it

Victor slight NSFW

Normally, its us who has our green eyed monster rear its head. Contenders for our medusa stares are socialites wanting to get a piece of Loveland's most eligible batchelor (like Chik) , the new pretty interns who spends a little too long with Victor

It is a rare event when the tables are turned and it is Victor questioning himself on weather he has it in him keep you with him. But rare isn't a never

At events like the LFG charity ball or an Investors evening, any occasion where MC dresses up and gets a little fancy, the CEO's blood pressure begins to rise when he sees how much male attention you get. Not in a creepy possessive way. More a jealous way.

You're chatting with another business owner, just making polite conversation with the man. Of course you get compliments on your outfit or maybe your hair. You're god damn gorgeous

The conversation gets more and more friendly. Small lines are dropped here and there like "Wow that colour really goes well with your eyes" or "It suits your figure" until soon enough he is asking you back to his place after this

You're a little taken aback by the offer at first. "Oh I'm really sorry.." you try to start. A shadow looms over you. The charming sexy devil in his suit has arrived

An arm finds his way around your silk covered waist, pulling you to him. He won't say anything unpleasant or nasty, the boi has decorum but he will make sure this man knows you're his

"Who's this MC?" Victor asks, his cold stare not moving away from the other man. He will hold his free hand out for him to shake while he introduces himself, not giving a damn about the mans name. He wont be around you two for much longer

"Victor Li. I'm with MC" and with that, the poor other man knows you're not available

His chit chat is far less flirtatious now that LFG's bossy bitch is standing with you anchored to him

After the event, when you two are driving back, feel free to give him a small rant on how the other man was just being friendly and that he shouldn't have scared him shitless. He may not take it seriously and argue that he was flirting with you and that he will not let someone else lure away his woman

A long night of jealousy/make up sex will follow as soon as you get back to his place. He will dirty talk you sometimes if you make him jealous. Things like "do you like my cock? Only I can make you feel this way" He'll take you all night and make sure that you have forgotten all about the other man

Kiro

Tbh, I find it really hard to imagine Kiro getting really jealous. He is always so bright and cheerful that it would be hard to see his green eyed monster. So forgive me if this is a little wishy washy

You and the backstage team are preparing for an episode of your show which Kiro will guest star in. He is getting prepped to be in front of the cameras when he sees you talking to one of his crew. It's pretty normal stuff. Communication between your team and his team is key to make this run smoothly so he doesn't pay that much mind. He just watches Miss Chips pull the concentrated face you make (also, it's been pointed out to me by another Tumblr writer that MC is an acronym for Miss Chips) because it's cute to see you get passionate about your work

That is something they all really appreciate about you

His attention is turned away from you and back to his makeup artist who is nearly done and just needs him to close his eyes for some setting spray but when he opens them again, the stagehand is much closer and leaning in for a kiss.

Miss Chips is leaning back away because she is already in a relationship with Kiro but the boy just keeps closing in.

Not on his watch *SPOILER: He has to stop himself from having a full on Helios moment with the guy*

"Hey, Miss Chips. I'm ready do you need me anywhere?" You hear the chipper voice of your star and boyfriend call out as he walks up to you, planting a kiss on your forehead. Stage boy backs up a little, seeing Kiro place his metaphorical stake on you.

He won't scream or shout or threaten violence on the boy. No, his way of expressing this jealousy is much more passive aggressive way. His smile will still be bright and his voice as happy as ever but after MC explains that she was just telling the guy that she needs the lights checked or something, he adds "so please do that now" in the most delightful tone he could muster

He might as well have said fuck off to the guy

He wont wait until they have privacy, he will make out with his MC as the backstage crew busy themselves around they, pinning the rest of you to the wall *SPOILERS kind of like that Kiro Kiss date* May earn some raised eyebrows from Kiki and Willow and a huff from the make up artist as his lip balm gets all over you.

Gavin

*SPOILERS I MIGHT AS WELL JUST PUT IT HERE BECAUSE THIS ONE IS KIND OF ONE BIG SPOILER THROUGHOUT ALSO, THIS ONE WILL NEED A FEW SMALL THINGS LIKE PEOPLE FORGETTING YOU EXIST THINGS TO NOT HAPPEN. OK?*

One word is needed to explain how BirdCop will get jealous on this. That word is Shaw

The guy is the embodiment of sexual energy, probably most teenage girls fantasy. Sk8ter boi with a nonchalant outlook on rules and authority with enough big dick energy to power New York. Now, MC isn't a teen anymore but it doesn't mean that you're not immune to his flirtatious charms

He was reluctant to let you meet his brother. In fact, for a long period of time he was completely opposed to it. Then, you two ran into eachother on the bus. Ooops

Ever since, whenever you two interact, Gavin feels the need to be around in some way. Weather it be with her, tuning into the Wind FM to feel that is happening or flying around wherever they are. It could be thought of as stalkerish but it comes from a good place..I think

Irrational things would be flying around his head. I mean, it's his brother. Jesus! "He's not even that much taller than me! And younger than me! How could he even attract her?"

Shaw being Shaw is sure to make some kind of comment that is bound to set Gavin off. It probably would turn into a fight. Like, not even a civilised wrestling round, like a proper bitch fight brawl. He'd tackle his brother's ass to the ground and start punching, maybe hair pulling so he can keep punching. Shaw would be putting up one hell of a fight just to bruise Gavin. Poor MC has to try and break up this shit

Later, once the fight has stopped and MC has managed to get Gavin away, she has to ice him down and try to patch up some of the scrapes that he had gotten.

Mother duck MC comes out in spectacular fashion to scold him, telling him not to do that again. Gavin will probably explain why he felt jealous of his brother but will do so with the biggest blush ever. Poor thing is a bit insecure about you and his brother but you'll find a way to try and ease it for him

Lucien slight NSFW

The man has a cool calm demeanor and a confidence that seems unshakable. Damn he looks hot while giving his lectures at Loveland Uni

Being the hot as hell POA that you are, you turn the heads of some of the university boys there. I mean, really. What's there not to love about you. You're fucking cute

He may not show his jealousy but it is there, building like a shaken coke bottle. Watching a guy sneak small whispers to you during his lecture? Not going to go unpunished.

Has the manners not to call you two out in front of the entire class but after his lecture ends, you best believe that this man is going to make the two of you stay behind.

Once all the other students have filed out of the lecture hall, he will begin. In his low, unwavering voice he will say to both of you (but mainly the guy since he did most of the talking) "I don't appreciate being talked over in my own lecture hall. If you don't have the courtesy to let other students learn, then I urge you to leave." He says, all serious. The small smile he usually gives you will not be there. It's more than just a light scolding.

Once he dismisses the other student, who leaves a little scared of how the professor talked to him, he will give you your scolding by going to the seat behind a desk and patting his knee. He takes off his glasses and gives you one of those piercing stares that let you know that he is deadly serious

Even if you protest that he was the one who started talking to you, he will not even say a word. His eyes will never leave you as you try convince him. This man is a bad jealous (not bad bad but pretty bad at handling it)

After you finally bend over his knee, he will pull down your trousers or skirt and tug down your panties, letting them pool at your bent knees. "You know that I don't like to share you MC" he will say in his deep voice

You'd best believe that he is making you count each one and thank the professor. You can feel his fingers occasionally dip down to tease you a little before returning to your now pink ass

20 spanks and a whole round of orgasm denial later, he will send you on your way but tells you to come over to his place later where you will continue...

I hope you enjoyed that. I am sorry if Lucien was a little short. I'll try to do better next time. If you have any scenes you want in particular, feel free to leave me a message and I'll do my best to complete it

Thank you

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skruffie · 5 years ago

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in which I’m getting to know my brain better

I can’t really pinpoint a time when I started reading about ADHD and believed that maybe it was something that I had. I think it’s kind of been in the back of my head from when ADD was still a commonly-used term but then I would go “naaaah can’t be me, I’m just a lazy person!” I remember ages ago in high school I was at a friend’s house and watching their brothers and I thought “This is what actual ADHD looks like” so I guess that kind of pins it for me thinking about it as long ago as 15 years ago but I never gave it serious consideration until more recently.

(This is very, very long so I don’t blame you if you want to just skip it entirely)

Just last night I was talking to Zack and I was giggling and going “I still can’t believe I really didn’t see this before” and they were going “Really?”

Let’s think about this. As a kid I was always pretty sensitive and had weird... I used to call them compulsions but now I wonder if it was more impulsive behavior where I would hoard things like rocks and leaves or do dangerous shit without thinking about it (one memory comes to mind immediately when I noticed there was broken glass on the playground and I started meticulously picking it up as carefully as I could, and my teacher freaked out when she saw what I was doing. It unsettled my mom too, but me explaining that I didn’t want anyone to get hurt didn’t help put them at ease). I would be deeply sucked into my imagination at times, like...

When I was a kid I always kind of pictured myself like everything that was happening was a movie. I don’t really mean this in a dissociative derealization kind of thing, but just imagining every second was a movie or a video game. Sometimes I still do this. I can’t really pinpoint if there were a lot of hyperactive symptoms other than countless times my mom told me to stop fiddling with my hands or string or whatever was within my grasp. I would always come home from school dirty with grass stains on my jeans and holes in my knees and rocks in my pockets, earning the title “skruffy ragamuffin” from my sister, but I just kind of figured that was part of being a kid. Looking at it NOW through this viewpoint gives me second thought though.

I picked up on physical activities rather quickly from a young age like dancing and karate--probably the physical movement was what I needed to help me focus--and I do things like pick at the skin around my thumbs, bite the inside of my cheeks (Didn’t realize this was a thing until I watched Hannah Hart describe it as part of her fidgeting and went “OH.”)

As I got older and after my sister died, see... I always viewed this time period in my life as I couldn’t do school or focus because of my grief and my home life falling apart, and I think part of that is still true. However, I would continue this with “And because of that I didn’t form good study habits and that continued into highschool when I stopped giving a shit”. Which was better than thinking I was just a stupid failure, and I really don’t think I am stupid... I can think quickly on my feet, I notice things that other people don’t, I’ve been an advanced reader from a VERY early age and I can infer correct answers from context clues and analyze things in that way.

There is one memory from high school that, in the past, I thought maybe was tied to an emotional flashback but I realize now that it might’ve been Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. There was a weird disagreement that I was having with a friend of mine over something (truly can’t remember what it was about now), and somehow this rejection of him not listening to me spiraled me into this state of Why Should I Fucking Bother and the first target for this heavy, painful feeling was “okay, well I should just stop drawing because Why Should I Fucking Bother”. My English teacher found me sitting in the hallway crying and sat down with me to ask what was happening and I tried to explain, and then he had me show him my artwork and he goes “You are an incredible artist, you shouldn’t give this up.” One of few teachers in my life who I will always respect because he was always stern in a kind way, understanding, and an overall wonderful man.

I’m kind of getting off track here but I think that’s really just self-demonstrating at this point.

When I worked at Target there wasn’t really an opportunity for the ADHD type symptoms to manifest because I was pretty much always moving. In school I could zone out very easily but at work I was able to have more bouts of focus, but traded off my inattention for anxiety instead. This was also just a few years after the big PTSD causing event, but retail in general can give pretty much anyone some anxiety issues. Nonetheless, the things that I enjoyed about working there is that I was able to master my work zone completely (to a point of annotating the training guide with new information and keeping it updated), became the go-to person for several things, and I enjoyed being able to have a bit of freedom of movement around my work space. I enjoyed being able to have physical, tangible ways to see progress being made on something and there was a surprising amount of nuance and problem-solving when it came to resolving customer complaints.

Moving to a desk job in 2018 was a weird departure from all of that. I had started off kind of as a clerical worker and would compile the concrete goods vouchers that we send out to our clients, receive them back, prepare them for scanning, scan+upload to case files, etc. It was dreadfully boring a lot of the time but I didn’t mind the long stretches where I could sit and prepare documents for scanning because I was able to listen to music while I got them ready. After a while I was encouraged to become a fiduciary, and that is really when the Maybe I Have ADHD started to rear it’s head.

My job doesn’t have the tangible way to see that I’ve made progress. I update placements to generate foster care payments, I generate the vouchers for concrete goods, I put in ongoing foster care case management payments or daycare payments, I will sometimes resolve some payment issues but only to a certain point--I’m able to see information but being able to solve the problem is actually not my area unless I can correct it within the case management system. There is an extreme need to be detail oriented because we work with specific service dates, with some services ongoing but some needing to be renewed every six months, gobs of emails with paperwork and trying to get the right signatures on everything because we’re dealing in state money...

on top of this, in order to move into the permanent position, I’ve been taking the accounting classes online outside of work and (until the pandemic started) having a long commute-work-commute day that totaled about 12 hours out of my waking life. My diet changed radically because Zack and I didn’t see each other often and getting home at 6:30 at night didn’t leave a lot of room to cook and then eat before having downtime to sleep... only to wake up at 5:30 AM again... my insomnia started kicking in to a point now where I take a benadryl through the work week to keep my sleep schedule on track. I started having anxiety attacks at work because trying to keep up with remembering all the little details I need to at work was getting to me.

As I was training, I would write a post-it reminder whenever I repeated a mistake and stick it to my monitor. I got up to about 14 post-its before it became distracting and I instead compiled them onto a list and tacked it to my cubicle wall.

A few months into this I had a crying jag talking to Zack because it felt like something was really wrong and I couldn’t pinpoint what exactly. Depression? Anxiety? Trauma? School trauma? I think it’s just been untreated ADHD this whole time. I keep thinking back to this post I’ve seen on Tumblr a long time ago where someone said “disability exists in the context of the environment” and I think that’s what’s happening to me. I previously have bee in environments that weren’t butting up against The ADHD as much, but this job has been extremely challenging for the past 11 months.

Thankfully, my boss and I have one-on-one discussions regularly (used to be every other week but since the pandemic started it’s been weekly phone calls) and she has no issues with my work performance... likely because I exert a lot of mental and emotional energy to keep up with everything I need to do. I’m also in charge of the busiest field office in our region--there’s a high turnover rate, lots of child welfare cases, etc--and the social workers that I talk to on the regular enjoy having me as their fiduciary. There have been many times however, despite the fact I seem to be doing pretty good, where it feels like I am hanging on by a fucking thread. Here’s something personal that I don’t think I’ve shared yet on the blog: last year, within the first month and a half of adjusting to this new pace of work and school and the long commutes, the schedule was so stressful for me that it made my period late. Worrying I was pregnant just stressed me out more. Not being able to treat this Probably ADHD has been detrimental to my mental health.

On the 22nd, I’m going to have a telehealth meeting with a doctor to see if I can get a referral for a screening. I kind of worried that if I do get diagnosed with ADHD it would send me into this mourning state of what-could-have-been but honestly... I’m tired. I’m tired of beating myself up for exhausting myself into keeping up with other people. I think I owe it to myself to get the help that I need. Looking at my life with the lens of I Probably Have ADHD has actually given me a renewed sense of self-worth and confidence because it’s something that I can learn how to take control of. It’s worth it. I’m worth it.

#actuallyADHD #?#examining my entire life in a tumblr post #adhd

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let-it-raines · 6 years ago

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Betting on the Bullseye (21/?)

Summary: Emma Swan loses a drunken bet that means she has to ask her celebrity crush - if you can call him that - to be her date to her office’s annual fundraising gala for Boston’s Children Shelter. Killian Jones is that celebrity. She expects all kinds of humiliation and for her dignity to be completely lost all because of the ridiculousness of the situation. What she doesn’t expect is for him to say yes.

What she truly doesn’t expect is to actually like the man.

Rating: Mature

A/N: I think you guys might like this one!

Found on AO3: Beginning | Current

Tag list: @nikkiemms @resident-of-storybrooke @wellhellotragic @bmbbcs4evr @onceuponaprincessworld @jennjenn615 @mayquita @captainsjedi @teamhook @skyewardolicitycloisdelena91 @artistic-writer @branlovesouat @dreadpirateemma @kmomof4 @ekr032-blog-blog @galaxyzxstark @lifeinahole27 @andiirivera @ultimiflos @hollyethecurious @thejollyroger-writer @superchocovian @cs-forlife @qualitycoffeethings @jonirobinson64 @notoriouscs

“Good God, it’s hot in here,” Emma murmurs to herself as she walks into her office, sweat already beading at her forehead. After the disaster with the air conditioner breaking earlier this summer, she cannot deal with this again. “Did they turn the damn air conditioning off over the weekend?”

She’s got to stop talking to herself.

She keeps walking down the hall, flicking lights on as she goes. She couldn’t sleep last night, spending it all staring at her phone and the message Killian had sent her after she’d told him she got home.

Killian:I’m sorry too.

It was only three words, three words that she’s seen before, but for some reason she couldn’t text him back. She didn’t know what to say. It’s kind of hard to figure out how to voice “hey, I’m still really freaking out about everything, but I love you and don’t like arguing with you.”

Okay, so she could have voiced it exactly like that, but every time she went to text those words or three other more familiar words or to press his contact name, she couldn’t do it. She doesn’t know why, but she couldn’t do it. And even as she tried to stay present in meeting Brody (who is absolutely freaking adorable) and checking on Mary Margaret, her mind kept playing over everything that had happened. She’d freaked out. There really aren’t any words for it other than that. She freaked out over all of the little things that have been building up into this one big fear of she and Killian not working out because their lives are so different and three thousand miles apart.

A little voice in her head reminds her that it’s two thousand nine hundred and ninety-nine, technically, and she knows that little voice is Killian’s. He looked it up. Maybe he looked it up to see how many frequent flyer points he’s been earning lately, or maybe he just full on Jess Mariano’d it. That’s totally not a verb, but it is kind of all she can think about. That and the fact that this good thing she’s got going for her that could end.

She doesn’t want it to end.

Talking to Killian would probably help things not to end…but it also could make things end more quickly. She thinks that may be what kept her, what keeps her from talking to him. It’s not that she’s mad at him or upset with him or any of that despite the harsh words that he said to her too. It’s more than she’s worried that the third party in their relationship, the damn distance, is finally going to be the breaking point. She’s terrified of it being the breaking point, and she has no idea how to handle it. If anything, she’s doing everything she can to avoid handling it.

She ran. She knows that she ran, that she fell back into this old pattern of hers, but she also knows that she had to leave California anyways. She was coming home yesterday regardless of if Brody was born or she and Killian got into an argument. She was always going to come home. Maybe she wouldn’t have spent her night in his guest room and left without saying goodbye, but sometimes she makes dumb choices. She’s human, and she’s not going to always do the rational thing.

Looking back, she can’t believe how much things would have been different if she had taken a moment to breathe.

If they had both taken a moment to breathe in the heat of the argument.

She’s always been a fan of avoiding her problems, avoiding the fact that her parents left her with nothing, avoiding the fact that the first person she ever trusted with her heart betrayed her in a way that she still cannot wrap her head around, and avoiding every little heartbreak in between. Usually she shuts everything out, shuts everyone out, and hides away from it all, never thinking of it again until something triggers the memory. Now, though, all she can think about is Killian and how she should have talked to him, should have never left him to worry like she knows that he did. It’s not the first time that they’ve argued. It hopefully won’t be the last, but she knows that this time she can’t walk around blaming Killian for everything.

Really, she can’t blame herself for it either. She can’t deny that she’s screwed up, that she has things to own up to, but she also knows that she’s not fighting with Killian because of something either of them did wrong besides a few harsh words they shouldn’t have said. It’s simply the circumstances their lives have put them in.

Normally she needs Mary Margaret or David or, hell, even Ruby to drill things like this into her head, but she had a long time to think in Killian’s guest room and on the plane ride home. She may have her own set of issues, but she apparently is starting to figure them out.

Even if she really wants to avoid people right now.

That’s likely why she’s walking into her office before seven in the morning on her first day back at work after her vacation. She doesn’t think anyone in the offices even comes in this early, which is probably why it’s so damn hot in here. That or September is just off to this awful start. She wants fall. Maybe everything will be better in the fall.

Maybe she’ll have talked to Killian by then.

No, definitely. She definitely has to talk to him. She’ll call or text tonight. Yeah, that’s exactly what she’ll do. She’s not going to chicken out. She’s not. She has to call. She knows Killian, and he is definitely waiting on her. He’s always waiting on her and following her lead, and as sweet as that is, if Killian wants something, he should be able to say it without worrying about if it’s going to freak her out or not. So she has to talk to him.

She’s terrified, but she has to talk to him. They’re not going to break up. They’re not. They’re going to apologize and fix things and make it all better. She thinks that as if a band-aid can heal a bullet hole, but if it’s big enough, maybe it’ll stop the bleeding for a little while.

There’s a reason she’s not a doctor. Okay, there are a lot of reasons.

The fact that she keeps repeating things over and over and over again in her head to keep herself from crying in the middle of her workplace is likely another reason. She’s cried a lot in the past forty-eight hours. She sobbed the night of their argument when she was pacing in Killian’s guest room, the room she stayed in when they weren’t dating, and she’d sobbed on the plane even with all of her thinking through things. Maybe because of her thinking through things. The woman next to her likely thought she was crazy. She’s honestly surprised that the woman didn’t ask for a different seat so she can be away from the crazy woman.

Emma surely would have.

Her tears finally stopped when she got to the hospital, only to start again when she saw all of the Nolans in Mary Margaret’s hospital room. It was like a freaking post card or Hallmark card or an entire Hallmark movie. But not one with Lori Loughlin or anything. She’s probably not going to be playing a devoted mother any time soon, which Emma thinks is pretty ironic because she seems pretty devoted to her kids. But they were all so happy, and Leo was fascinated with his little brother, if not a bit jealous when he realized Brody was coming home with them. So obviously she cried. She’s not sure if it was all happy tears or if she was just feeling so damn much right then and there that every little emotion she had ever felt was flowing over until her eyes were more red than green.

She was like a Christmas tree.

And maybe her mind is a little all over the place because she hasn’t exactly slept in two days. She’s had a lot to think about.

“You’re here early.”

“Holy shit,” she gasps, literally stumbling backward and grabbing her chest like she’s clutching pearls or something ridiculous like that as her heartbeat speeds up and Kathryn comes into view with files cradled in her arm. “Kathryn, you startled me.” “Well, maybe if you were in the office a little more, you wouldn’t get so startled about people being here to, you know, do their jobs.”

Kathryn pushes past her, their shoulders hitting, and she turns around as Kathryn walks away. “What the hell do you mean by that?”

Kathryn stops in her tracks, turning around and giving Emma a stare that could melt ice while in a freezer. “I mean,” she snaps, taking several steps forward until she’s in Emma’s face, their noses close enough to touch, “that maybe if you spent time at work instead of traipsing around with your boyfriend all the time, maybe you wouldn’t be surprised that I’m here.”

“I’m entitled to a personal life.”

“Your personal life is on the front page of gossip magazines and in a million articles online. Your personal life is everywhere, and ever since the damn Christmas gala, I’ve had to spend my time answering phone calls on a daily basis asking if I can get them in contact with Killian Jones. Time is taken out of my day to deal with you all the while you suntan on a boat in California.”

“Kathryn,” she begins calmly even as her entire body begins to heat, her stomach swirling in a way that’s totally different than it has been in the past few days, “if you have a problem with my personal life, I suggest you keep it to yourself. I can guarantee you that it doesn’t affect your life nearly as much as it affects mine, and if you’ve got such a problem with it, why don’t you complain to HR? I’m sure they can help you get the stick out of your ass by telling you that I’ve done absolutely nothing wrong here.”

“You’re kind of entitled for someone who literally came from nothing if all of the articles are correct.”

“Well, I may have come from nothing, but look at that,” she says, moving her arms out to the sides to encompass the room, “we’ve ended up in the same damn place. Have a good day, Kathryn.”

She’s absolutely done with that conversation. Kathryn has always been awful and petty, but that’s taking things to new levels. Emma was much kinder than she wanted to be, but she is at work and calling someone an asshole and then slapping her would do nothing but get Emma fired. Her life is a mess right now, and the absolute last thing she needs is to get fired. She’s got savings but…she’d have nothing. Her apartment is crappy, but it still costs a hell of a lot to live without a roommate in the city.

Her job is kind of a necessity for her to live.

She also really loves her job.

That saying when it rains it pours seems to hold true throughout the day. She did take two days off, but there really shouldn’t be that much for her to do, especially since she answered some of her emails last night. Everything is pretty much nonstop, and if it wasn’t for Ruby bringing her a salad, she wouldn’t have eaten all day. She’s not even sure that she ate yesterday, and all she’s had today is some lettuce with a couple of pieces of cold chicken in it. And barely even that. From the way Ruby looked at her and talked to her, Emma knows that Ruby is aware that she and Killian are in a fight. Emma didn’t say anything, but Ruby knows. Either Ruby knows her that well or she’s talked to Killian. She’d bet on both, but if she had to pick one, it’d be Killian calling Ruby to make sure the Emma was okay.

He probably didn’t call Mary Margaret because he didn’t want her to worry.

But her day is pretty much the day from hell, the past few days have been really, and when she gets home, she collapses on the couch, unbuttons her pants, and wonders if maybe she could prove Kathryn right and just not go to work and yet still have a job.

“Shit,” she groans, rolling over on the couch and reaching for her purse on the ground, fumbling for her phone. “Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.”

She was going to call Killian. She is going to call Killian, but she’s not exactly in the best of moods. Being in a better mood would probably help this conversation a hell of a lot, but she doesn’t think she can go another day without at least talking to him. They don’t have to fix all of their problems today. That would be impossible. All she really wants is to hear his voice for a little while and to know that they’re not broken.

They really screwed up a little bit, didn’t they?

She really screwed up.

Taking a deep breath and then three more, closing her eyes and attempting to calm the way butterflies are fluttering in her stomach, she presses down on his contact name and waits as the rings begin. And then as they end and his voice message pops up.

Well, that’s not the way she wanted to hear his voice.

Disappointment washes over her entire body, and she feels tears prickling in the back of her eyes, which is ridiculous. She’s not often ashamed of tearing up, but tearing up over her boyfriend not answering her call when that happens all the time for them, well, she feels a little ridiculous over that. She needs some ice cream or something. Or donuts. She could probably eat an entire box of donuts.

But then her phone starts buzzing on her stomach, a picture of she and Killian from his premiere just a few days ago popping up, and she’s so frantic to answer it that she nearly misses his call from how her fingers are shaking.

“Hello?” Killian audibly sighs, and she does the same, relief washing over her before he speaks again. “Hi, Swan.”

“Hi,” she squeaks, choosing to ignore the fact that she actually just squeaked. “Hi, hi, hi. I’m so glad you answered or called or I don’t even know. I was waiting and missing and didn’t really know and – I’m just going to shut up right now.”

Killian chuckles on the other end of the line, and it lessens the tension she feels in her shoulders, the knots softening even further. “I’m glad you called and glad that I called back. I don’t…God, I’m sorry, Swan.”

“I’m sorry too. You don’t absolutely hate me for just boarding a plane like that?” “I don’t hate you, no. I’d rather you not do shit like that, but I don’t control what you do. That’d be barbaric. I just like when we talk, when you don’t disappear in the middle of the night.” “I know. That was a shit move. I knew it then, and I know it now. I guess I was just upset. We’ve got – we’ve got some stuff to figure out.” “Aye,” he sighs, and she can practically see him running his hand over the hair on his chin in contemplation, “but if you’d let me, I’d like to have that conversation in person.” “Killian, you don’t have to do that.” “I think I do, darling. You’re right when we say we have some stuff to figure out, and while I don’t doubt our abilities to get things done over the phone, especially with the wicked tongue that you have, I do think I’d rather be able to see you while we’re talking these things through. I have a feeling it’s not a one-time thing kind of conversation. It’s going to be more than an hour.”

“I know.”

“And you…you want to have this conversation?”

“Yes, yes, of course,” she insists, messing with the tips of her hair simply so she has something else to focus on. “I know I said I couldn’t do this, and Killian, I’m terrified that we’re going to talk about everything and realize that we can’t work this out, but I think I was – I know that I was spiraling that night. A lot of the things I said were legitimate, but a lot of them were the fear speaking over the logic. I do that a lot”

“It’s okay.”

It’s really not. They both know that it’s not. He should tell her that it’s not, that she hurt him.

“It’s not. I love you, you know? And I know we fight, but this one felt different.”

“Aye, I know,” he admits, and she sits up on the couch, pulling herself into a ball and wrapping her arms around her knees to comfort herself. “It was different. And I love you too. I don’t…could I fly in tomorrow or do you want more time?”

“I’d be okay with tomorrow.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” she smiles, feeling better than she has in several days, hope settling somewhere deep inside of her.

“Well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

“Sound like a plan, Stan.”

Time ticks by the following day at what has to be slower than a snail’s pace. She goes into work early again, simply because she couldn’t sleep, but it’s only after she’s dropped some food off at David and Mary Margaret’s house. She knows that she’s not much of a cook, but she figures that there’s only so many ways she can mess up bringing over several frozen casserole dishes. Seriously, unless she drops them or buys them expired, she can’t mess that up. A part of her still feels guilty over missing Brody’s birth, over not being there for Mary Margaret and David when they needed her, and maybe a little of her trying to help is to assuage herself of some of that guilt. It’s not really working, but Mary Margaret’s tired smile helps a little bit.

Sometimes Mary Margaret drives her insane with her positivity and her refusal to see the bad in things, but she’s her family. Emma loves she and David – and Leo and Brody too – so damn much that she would do anything in the world for them.

Same for Ruby.

And for Killian.

She’s never had a biological family. Sure, they’re probably out there somewhere, but that doesn’t mean a thing to her anymore. She didn’t get to grow up with the family she always wanted, but she’s glad to have learned that found family is just as good. If not better.

It’s probably why this day is ticking by so slowly. She’s been up for an exhausting amount of time, and she’s anxious to be able to see Killian, to be able to talk to him, and to be able to try to work this out. How the hell they’re going to solve a long-distance relationship, she has no clue.

If Boston and Santa Monica could, like, merge somehow, that would be great. That’d be a funky climate, but that would be great.

“Have you eaten today?” Ruby asks her, startling her out of her thoughts so that she looks up toward her office door. “Because you barely eat yesterday, and Ems, you can’t starve yourself just because you and hot stuff are in a fight.”

“I ate breakfast with the Nolans.” She rolls back in her desk chair and stretches her arms up over her head, the ache pleasurable. She needs to stretch more. “Are you ever down in your office, Rubes? Don’t you have kids to counsel?”

“I am in between sessions, and I figured I had an Emma to counsel.”

Emma rolls her eyes even as her lips tug up on the sides. “I am fine, and, again, I ate this morning. But I really appreciate that you’re the type of friend to consistently feed me.”

“Food is the way to your heart,” she sighs, walking into the room and closing the door behind her. “But seriously, you okay? You’ve been all out of sorts ever since you came home on Monday.”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I just – we just – Killian and I did get into a fight, but he’s on a plane right now so we can talk in person. The long distance is kind of killing us lately, even with how good this summer has been to us, and I know that things are really only going to get worse with time or when Killian starts working again. He’s picking up a new movie, and I’m so proud of him. I just know that’s going to be months of missing him on top of us already being separated. It’d be different if we lived in the same place.”

Ruby raises her brows, her forehead wrinkling with the movement, before she’s neutralizing her features and looking at Emma with the softest of smiles. She’s channeling Mary Margaret. She has to be. “Have you told lover boy any of this?”

Okay, so Ruby mixed with Mary Margaret. Like a two for one deal.

“Kind of,” she shrugs, lifting her legs up to tuck them into the chair as much as she can. “I mean, I don’t really know how. We talk about it all, but it’s hard. He gave up a movie for me, you know? And I can’t ask him to do that again. It’s one of the reasons I told him to take this new one. He loves it, and he should get to do what he loves.”

“Well, if I can give you some sage advice from someone who has done long distance, it’s that you have to talk. My relationship failed, but as I’ve just learned recently, it failed when we lived in the same damn city too. Vic and I probably aren’t the best match when it comes down to who we are now, and while I don’t get to know the intimacies of your relationship no matter how much I try to get you to tell me about how wonderful the sex is, I have a good feeling about you and Killian, kid. But you gotta talk to him about some terrifying future shit if you’re going to make it work.”

“I know.” She untucks her legs from her chair so she can stand and walk to the other side of the room, wrapping her arms around Ruby in an embrace. “I really hate when you get all wise about things.”

“Well, baby mama wasn’t about to tell you the truth if you’d talked to her it all this morning, so someone has to. I also really wanted you to come get lunch with me.”

She laughs into Ruby’s shoulder before pulling back. “Yeah, let’s go get lunch then.”

-/-

Killian’s sitting outside of her apartment door when she gets home a little later than usual, the sun already beginning to fade away as it shines through the window at the end of the hall. He hasn’t seen her yet, his head still tilted down, hair falling over his forehead as he messes with his phone. He has a key. She knows that he has a key because she gave it to him, and yet he’s sitting on a disgusting hallway floor that probably hasn’t been cleaned in months. If ever. And with all of the things she knows about Killian Jones, one of the most prominent is how he doesn’t like germs or for anything to be unclean.

“You know,” she sighs, pushing the nerves down as she walks toward him, her flats tripping her up for a moment, “there’s this amazing invention called a key. If you have the right one, it lets you into certain rooms.”

His head snaps up to her, his fingers stopping their movements on his phone, and she can’t help her laugh at the way his lips part, surprise very obviously crossing his face as he stares up at her, and she knows if his hands weren’t grasping his phone, he’d be scratching his ear or his chin. It’s just how he is. “Swan.”

“What are you doing sitting on the floor, KJ?”

“Ah, didn’t feel right to let myself in.” He stands from the ground as she unlocks the door, swinging it open eve as her hands shake a bit. She’s not sure if it’s out of nervousness or excitement. “And I’ve only been here for a little while.”

“How long is a little while? Why didn’t you text me that you were here? Didn’t we just talk about this?”

“Well, two hours or so, I’d say. I didn’t want to worry you or bother you at work. If you’ve been anywhere close to how I’ve been today, you likely didn’t need extra worry. I’m, well, I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but for the first time since before we started dating, I’m nervous to talk to you.”

“Killian,” she murmurs, turning around and wrapping her arms around his waist, feeling his warmth even as he takes a moment to return the embrace. But he does, his arms moving around her and his hug so tight that she swears he picks her up off the ground if only for a moment.

“I know,” he mutters into her hair, the vibrations hitting against her skin at the same time she feels his scruff scratch her neck. “I’m sorry. I can’t – I’m sorry.”

“Me too, but we already said all of that.” She pulls back from their embrace so she can look him in the eyes, the blue lighter than the last time she saw him, the darkness no longer swirling. As nervous as she’s been, as anxious as she’s been, she doesn’t think anything really compares to how she’s feeling right now. She should have known that there wouldn’t be yelling. At least yet. She should have known that talking over the phone and making a plan to talk would not have been nearly as fiery as their argument in California. Tempers aren’t hot, so of course they’re like this. It’s Killian. It’s not the others. It’s Killian. “I don’t – I don’t even know how to start.”

“Why don’t we get something to drink and move out of your doorway, and we can talk, okay?”

She fixes them two cups of coffee, the caffeine likely not going to help the nerves that are starting to build again, before they sit down on her couch, her legs curled up underneath her so she’s as small as she can possibly be. It’s silent for long enough for the silence to be awkward, and since that makes her entirely uncomfortable, she breaks it.

“I don’t know how long I can do this long distance thing.” As her shoulders heave, the words finally off of her chest in the calmness of the day, she watches as Killian smiles across from her, his lips turning into one of the brightest smiles she’s ever seen from him. “Why the hell are you laughing?”

“Bloody hell. You just blurted that out like if you didn’t say it within five seconds an explosive would go off.”

“Well that’s how I felt.”

“I know, I know,” he chuckles, waving her away. “I’ve felt the same way. You just amuse me, darling.”

“That’s because I’m so damn funny.”

“I’m aware, but you’re also right. The distance fucking sucks, and I guess I’ve been ignoring how much of a strain that it’s putting on me, which is making me ignore how much of a strain it’s putting on you. I don’t – I mean, I noticed, but I brushed it aside.”

“So did I. And we can’t really do that because then I have meltdowns over missing Mary Margaret giving birth when it really shouldn’t have been that big of a deal.”

“Hey, no, don’t do that. Don’t diminish your feelings, Swan. If I had missed Aiden’s birth, I’d have been beside myself. I realize that I didn’t react in the best way, but I’ve had time to think about it. We’ve both been missing so much of our families’ lives and our friends’ lives since we started dating. You’ve had to miss some bigger, more important moments, and, darling, I am so sorry for that. It’s not fair or easy, but I love you more than anything in the world. I will get my damn pilot’s license if it means that I get to be with you more often.”

“Captain Killian Jones has a pretty good ring to it.”

“Aye, it does, doesn’t it? Seriously, though. I love you, Emma, and I’ve got no idea what kind of timeline we’re supposed to be on, but I don’t think any of that matters. I want to be with you for a long time, and if we’re going to do this, I think one of us has to think about moving.”

And there it is.

There’s the crux of the problem. There’s the entire problem.

“I know,” she whispers, taking a sip of her coffee to give herself more time to think as she watches Killian’s face and the way his eyebrows struggle to stay still. He wants to furrow them, but he’s trying to stay still. “I love you, and I know that if we want to make it work, that we have to think about that. I just…there’s no good option, KJ. If I move to California, I leave my friends and have to find a new job. If you move here, you leave your family and friends and half of your work stuff. Plus, you’re already gone when you’re working all of the time, and Boston would probably be more of an inconvenience than anything. California is better for you.”

“And Boston is better for you.”

“So what do we do?”

Killian shrugs, and her nerves race to new heights, the realization she’s always known just reconfirming itself to her. What do they do? How do they solve this? There’s nothing that’s better for both of them, and she can’t ask Killian to leave his family. She can’t.

“I can’t ask you to leave your family.”

“I’d do it though, Swan,” he offers, placing his mug on the end table. It’s been empty for awhile, but he must have been holding onto it simply so he’d have something to do with his hands. “It’s a hell of a lot more convenient for me to move. My finances are more flexible, I don’t have to worry about finding employment in a certain city, and I can fly back to Santa Monica to be with my family whenever I need. Work for me isn’t always in LA. It rarely is. I can be based somewhere else.”

“What about your house? You love that house.”

“What about it? I can keep it. I’ll rent or buy an apartment here, maybe something down by the harbor, and that way we don’t have to broach the conversation of moving in together if you don’t want to. We can have our separate spaces.”

“Oh.”

“Unless you want to,” he interrupts, reaching his hand across the cushions until it’s placed on her knee, his fingers squeezing her skin. “I just – bloody hell, Emma. I would love to live with you, but I figured it might be too much for you at once.”

“Fuck that.”

“I’m sorry?”

“Fuck that, Killian,” she chuckles, the sound leaning a bit on the sadistic side. “Killian, I know that I’m more skittish than most normal human beings, but disregarding this weekend, when have I ever run from you? I haven’t. Yes, this is all scary as hell, and I thank you for being so considerate with me all the time. But I want you to tell me what you want. I want to know exactly how you feel about things, not how you feel filtered so that you think you won’t scare me.”

He lunges forward so quickly that she doesn’t have more than a moment to prepare herself before his body is covering hers as well as his lips, her breath completely leaving her the moment Killian makes contact. It’s not at all what she was expecting, but she doesn’t mind as she gets to feel the softness of his lips, the taste of coffee lingering on them, mixed with the roughness of his beard on her. It hasn’t been that long since they last did this, only a few days really, but it feels like a lifetime.

“I want to move in with you,” he huskily whispers, their mouths still so close that they don’t completely part as they talk. His breath and his body are warm, and she sinks further into the couch cushions as she blinks her eyes up at him, that light blue turning a little darker. “I think it should be Boston. I really do, Emma. It’s not just to make you happy. I think it’s the best solution for us right now, and maybe one day in the future, we can move back to Santa Monica. We don’t have to have everything figured out, but I think this is a good step. I have been thinking about this for a long time, longer than this weekend, but I didn’t know how to say it.”

“Thank you,” she mumbles before grazing his lips again as her hands trace up and down his back, landing at the dip between his hips and his ass. She’s so damn glad that he spoke to her like that. “Thank you for telling me how you actually feel. We’re partners, okay? It’s not just about me or just about you.”

“Aye, I know. But what do you think about me moving to Boston, about us finding a place?”

“What? This place isn’t good enough for you?”

“Swan.”

“I know, I know. Deflecting.” She moves her hands over his back again, feeling just how real and how present he is even as he presses down on her with their breaths still intermingling. “I mean, I kind of like it. I still think maybe we should be super nerdy and make a pro-con list about things before we pay a deposit, and I’m kind of terrified that maybe we’ll start hating each other if we spend more than a week together with no end in sight.”

“So separate bedrooms then?”

“Definitely not. Wherever we live has to have your mattress, though.”

“That’ll likely stay in the house. We can get a new mattress though.”

“What about mine?”

“Swan, I have every intention of making good use of that mattress in about two minutes, but it either has to go burn somewhere or we keep it in a spare bedroom.”

“I’m not sure whether I want to talk about the fact that you think we’re getting a two-bedroom apartment or whether I want to talk about this whole two minute thing.”

“The two minute thing, and then afterwards, we can talk about everything else, make that damn list of yours so that you can try to convince me that Santa Monica is better for us right now even though we both know that it’s not.”

She laughs as he captures her lips again, and the sound disappears to be replaced by her gasp, everything else drowning out for a quick moment. There’s always been something so intoxicating about him, about Killian, and while some things with them are still new, there are others that feel like they’ve been doing it for years. The way he kisses her, his ability to take her breath away, that’s one of them. She hopes that it never stops, that it never changes. Life is hard, relationships likely more difficult, and it all evolves and changes over time. But maybe some things can stay the same.

Or maybe they can evolve in a good way.

“Has it been two minutes?”

“I’ve got no bloody clue, but I don’t think it even matters.”

There’s a pointed rolls of his hips into hers, once, twice, three times, before he’s actually rolling off of her, a groan emanating from the back of his throat as he stands up, his limbs obviously aching a bit. She’d crack a joke about him being an old man, but she herself feels a little lifeless pressed into the couch, the cushions molding into her body. Killian offers his hands, and she takes them, allowing him to pull her up and onto her feet before he’s dipping his head and running his lips over her wrist, something that always causes nearly every inch of her skin to stand on edge in the best way. She knows that when he does that, he’s saying he loves her. He’s never admitted that in the exact words, but she knows.

She also knows that she doesn’t have as many eloquent and thoughtful ways to express her feelings for Killian, that she tries her best, but she doesn’t have a spot to kiss or flowery words to reassure him how much he’s loved. But she does want to reassure him of that, to make sure he knows how much she is in this for the long haul too, and maybe one day she’ll get better at letting Killian know that he has completely turned her life into something not unrecognizable, but different.

In an infinitely good way.

But she’ll figure all of that out later as she tugs at Killian’s t-shirt until he’s helping her take it off, dark hair covering lean muscles now exposed to her gaze as her nail traces up and down his skin, her eyes not finding his even though she knows that he’s looking at her.

She’s taking things deliberately slowly, savoring it even though every inkling she has tells her to go faster, and apparently Killian feels the same. He’s just acting on it.

“You in a hurry there?” she asks as his hands fumble with her shirt, yanking it up over her head even with the way he’s deliciously trailing his lips against her neck. He’s eager and a bit rough, and her legs are already beginning to lose a bit of their strength.

“Yes.”

A giggle escapes her lips, her breath already uneven, and she pushes his chest to make him move away from the couch. It could work, but she’s got other ideas. “I thank you for your honesty.”

“I would thank you to stop teasing me and to get these bloody pants off.” “So impatient.”

“Again, yes.”

It’s faster after that, the two of them officially stumbling back into her bedroom, clothes hastily being pulled off and dropped to the floor. Killian’s hands land on her thighs, warm and rough, and her stomach twists in anticipation as he picks her up for a brief moment and deposits her on the mattress, his tongue constantly moving against the flesh of her collarbone while she arches her back up, their hips coming together in such a way that she and Killian both groan at the contact.

“You’re a damned tease,” Killian whispers against her lips. She can feel every inch of his skin on hers, the hair on his chest brushing against her breasts and creating friction, and she can feel how he rests heavily between her thighs, gooseflesh rising on her bare skin once more. She’s missed him. She can’t comprehend how she could miss someone so much when she just saw him, but she has. She’s missed him, and she loves him. “A bloody minx.”

“I know,” she manages to murmur right back, hooking her arms underneath his shoulders and running her nails against his back and between his shoulder blades, the muscles twitching with every touch as he grunts in response, slanting his lips over hers until she can’t breathe. She knows breathing is important and everything, but she’s okay with the lack of air for right now. She’s not going to die from it.

She might die from the way when Killian releases her, he moves down her body, tracing every inch of her skin with the softness of his lips and the harshness of his beard, a contrasting combination that causes the pleasure to increase in between her thighs. Then his mouth is on her breast, lips closing around her nipple, and she swears if magic existed, it would feel exactly like that. She needs it to feel exactly like that, especially as Killian expertly works her up, his tongue lavishing her while one of her hands bunches into the sheets and the other into his hair, likely a bit too rough.

He doesn’t stay long, though, her hand in his hair not keeping him there, and he moves down her stomach, kissing and whispering against the muscles of her skin as her entire body hums. She wants to speak, has a million words on her tongue, but all she can really focus on is Killian’s tongue on her inner thigh and the way that he’s nibbling her skin so close to where she’s aching. She’s never been the best with words, but right now she simply doesn’t know any.

Anticipation is building, his breath hot on her flesh, and with her eyes closed to try to calm herself down, it takes her a moment to realize that his mouth is no longer situated over where she wants him and is instead working its way back up her body. Every inch of hair she has is standing up, even the ones on her head, and she imagines it makes quite the look.

“What are you doing?” she whines, opening her eyes so that she’s suddenly engrossed in the deep, dark blue of Killian’s. How many colors can his eyes be in such a short period of time? They’re kind of like magic too, she guesses.

He hums, but he doesn’t say anything, his lashes landing against his cheeks before opening up again. When he runs his thumbs over her cheekbones, all of her focus is pulled away from the way that she can feel his arousal against her thigh, the heat of it likely more than the heat of her skin, but she can’t focus on anything except the softness of his gaze. It’s almost as if he’s memorizing her features, memorizing her, and she does the same for a moment, watching a freckle by his nose.

“When I first saw you on that video, I thought you were so beautiful even in that damn sweater. I can’t – I never could have imagined that you would be the love of my life.”

Well, fuck. That is not at all what she was expecting, and as the tears pool in her eyes, all she can do is kiss him, harsh and demanding mixed in with the occasional soft movement as their tongues tangle together in a warm, wet dance. She pushes him to roll over, whispering words too, and her lips trail along his skin in the same way that his did to hers, making his muscles twitch as she explores him and lets him feel how much she loves him too.

It’s like she’s breathing him in and letting instinct carry her as she moved above him.

“I love you,” she murmurs against his hipbone before she’s taking him in hand and pumping him a few times, the guttural groan he emits leisurely making its way down her body in the form of a shiver until she’s maneuvering herself above him and joining them together on a deep sigh. “I love you, I love you, I love you.”

So maybe her words aren’t as flowery, but they get the meaning across.

Her hands find their way to his chest, gripping into the hair, and his land on her hips, helping to guide her as she moves up and down. Her entire body is a mixture of emotion and the haziness of pleasure, each thrust, each push and pull, each trace of Killian’s fingers over her skin making her lose herself a bit more as her stomach tightens and everything else loosens. Before she knows it, they’re moving, Killian slipping out of her for a brief moment that feels like the longest ten seconds in the world, before his body is hovering over hers, lips devouring her, and yet he stays completely still inside of her.

“KJ,” she whispers, and he pulls back to look at her, brows furrowed together as he stares at her again, “are you going to move?”

“Yeah, yeah. I just – ” He stops talking to kiss her cheek, the gesture somehow more intimate than them being joined together in the most intimate of places. “I don’t know. I got lost in my head for a moment.”

She runs her hand across his cheek, tapping her fingers against the skin while she swivels her hips for the lightest bit of friction and relief. “That’s okay if you did.”

“Aye,” he mumbles before fiercely snapping his hips into hers, her body and the bed moving with him as the pleasure resumes more quickly than she ever could have imagined, her hands gripping into the sheets and into his skin simply so that she does not turn to dust beneath him. He’s a man on a mission who’s making her get lost in her head as the bedframe creaks (they’re definitely not keeping this one) and she swears that it almost falls out from underneath them.

Or maybe that’s just her. Maybe her body is so on edge, so ready to fall, that she can do little more than listen to Killian’s whispers in her ears while her legs wrap around his waist and he continues to move with her and within her.

“Fuck,” he groans against her skin, the vibrations nothing with the way that she’s tingling. “You are so magnificent.”

She almost says thank you, really and truly, but then the coil that’s been building bursts inside of her as sweat grows all over her heated skin and Killian’s mouth whispers delicious, filthy, sweet words into the strained cords of her neck as she falls apart beneath him. Even with the slight numbing feeling that she has, her mind not fully there for a brief moment, she makes the effort to move with Killian, to let her hips swivel as his do the same. She can tell that he’s close, the flushed skin and insistent thrusts giveaways, and she tries to coax him through it, to lead him to the end even as a pleasure starts to hum within her once more.

But then he’s falling apart too, his thrusts coming once, twice, three times more, before he groans practically every filthy word she’s ever heard and lands on top of her with a gentle thud, his weight only uncomfortable for a moment as the “I love you” he whispered makes its way into her brain as well.

“We should fight more often if it’s going to be like that.”

“Shut up,” she giggles as she looks up at the smirk he’s currently got going on, his hair disheveled and face still flushed. He’s being cheeky and maybe a bit smug, and she can do nothing put push back his hair, sweat moving back with it as she makes an attempt to catch the breath that’s been so evasive today. “We weren’t even fighting today. That was more…celebratory.”

“Well, my love,” he sighs, leaning his forehead down to rest against hers, nose pushing into her cheek, “we should have this combination of makeup sex and celebratory sex more often.”

“You know, every time we fight you can’t just ask me to move in with you. That would be impractical.”

“Eh, well, I’ll figure something out. And I was so right.”

“About what?”

He moves them as much as he can, the bed squeaking with each thrust of his hips. “We’ll have to get a new bed. This one makes too much damn noise.”

#betting on the bullseye #captain swan #cs fic #cs ff

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heartcravings · 6 years ago

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50 Questions Tag!

@jongin-be-my-jagi tagged me for this a while ago, but I took my sweet time to answer. Here is my secret intel if you want to know me a little bit more!! Check hers as well, she’s an amazing writer and friend. 1. What takes up too much of your time? Tumblr, my stupid procrastination prone brain and my thesis.

2. What makes your day better? Friends and loved ones, music and these absolute dorks (Channie especially)

3. What’s the best thing that happened to you today? I hopped on the mat today in the early hours of the morning, rain on my window and the neighbours cat peeking at me from his window across the street.

4. What fictional place would you like to go to? Wonderland, bacause it’s “curiouser and curiouser!”

'Who are you?' said the Caterpillar. Alice replied, rather shyly, 'I — I hardly know, sir, just at present — at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.'

5. Are you good at giving advice? I think so. Not so good at following my own advice though. I do always consider where the other is standing and if I don’t know how to proceed then I’ll just be honest and say I can’t help. But i’ll always listen with my heart.

6. Do you have any mental illnesses? Not diagnosed. I do think i might be going through something now.

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? No, but i have a recurring nightmare: the world is made of black and white paper thin layers. I am a paper thin person walking along a street surrounded by paper thin buildings. I walk for a long time, looking up at the white sky. Until the street ends, there is no more building and i fall into the abyss of a blank page. I have had this dream since the age of 8 or 9 years old. Fear of not being good enough, you say?! Ding, ding, ding!! We got a winner in the back! 8. What musician inspired you the most? I get inspired by music all the time!! One of my all time favourite songs is Spanish Sahara by Foals. Its sublime!

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So I’d say I’m mainly inspired by these artists: Queen, Arctic Monkeys, Foals, Radiohead, Bowie, Daughter, Bob Dylan, Beirut, Yeah yeah yeahs, Arcade Fire, The National, Joy Division, Blur, Warpaint, Gorillaz, Sufjan Stevens, Bon Iver, Chet Baker, The Cure, Courtney Barnett, The Maccabees, Car Seat Headrest, Florence + The Machine, Editors, Kasabian, Crystal Fighters, Death Cab for a cutie, The Doors, Efterklang, Explosions in the Sky, Franz Ferdinand, The Horrors, James Blake, José Gonzalez, Los Campesinos!, Metronomy, Nick Cave, Nina Simone, Patrick Watson, Phoenix, Sharon Van Etten, The Shins, Simon & Garfunkel, The Smiths, St.Vincent, The Strokes, Toro y Moi, tricot, Tune-Yards, TV on the radio, Unknown Mortal Orchestra, The Vaccines, Vampire Weekend, The Velvet Underground, The War on Drugs, Wild Beasts and Yo La Tengo.

And the electro, pop and hip-hop groves of my heart: EXO, 2NE1, Janelle Monáe, Big Bang, Kris Wu,LCD soundsystem, SBTRKT, Childish Gambino, Frank Ocean, Kendrick Lamar and Daft Punk.

And special mentions to the portuguese ones (learning from yixing and promoting when i can :P): Capicua, Joana Espadinha, The Legendary Tigerman, Linda Martini, Mayra Andrade, Noiserv, Ornatos Violeta, Paus, Samuel Uria, You Can’t Win Charlie Brown and The Silence 4. I know, tldr right? Sorry folks! 9. Have you ever fallen in love? Yes I have. I have mistaken a crush for love too. But i have definitely been very deeply in love. A wrecked kintsugi heart over here people! 10. What’s your dream date? I don’t think I have one. I’d love to do something unique with that someone special, something special for the two of us. It could be as simple as riding the subway while sharing earphones & listening to our playlist or walking the dogs out! Idk, I’m easy to please. But right now it would have to be with this handsome man :D pretty please?!

11. What do others notice about you? I am very kind and warm hearted, so I think that’s what people first notice when meeting me. Although I maintain good eye contact, I am also timid and will be quieter if there are very energetic people in the group. When alone, I usually take the first step and try to meet people, but only if i really must. 12. What’s an annoying habit you have? It’s really hard for me to ask for help. I also like to tell detailed descriptions of everything... Couldn’t you tell? 13. Do you still talk to your first love? I’ll text him on his birthday and he does the same to me. We met when we were 10 years old and that childhood friendship remains. But regarding my one and truly deep relationship, no we do not talk, unless we randomly meet.

14. How many exes do you have? I have three exes. The first love who was just an idealized crush on my childhood friend: we dated for 2 weeks during summer break xD Then my first real boyfriend, we met in my first year at university, dated for quite some time, he really loved me and made me love myself a little more. Finally the one i loved too much. I mended his wounds and made him love himself as much as I did. I always say all the love we feel makes our hearts grow bigger. I do not regret loving any of them, I am me now due to them and I would not change it if I could. 15. How many songs are in your playlist? I have way too many playlists for each and every mood... But my favourite songs list on spotify has about 1500 songs! uwu! 16. What instruments can you play? Triangles and flute?! I had mandatory music classes in school... so in reality I can’t really play a instrument...

17. Who do you have the most pictures of? Probably my cat, Sushi. With a second close of my doodles and sketches.

18. Where would you like to go before you die? EVERY WHERE!!! But I really want to go to Japan and Scotland and Iceland and South Korea and New Zealand and i’ll shut up. 19. What’s your zodiac? Capricorn. 20. Do you relate to it? Sort of.

21. What is happiness to you? You know when it’s really cold outside in the winter and you manage to find a sheltered place where no wind can hit you and you still get to feel the warm rays of the winter suns on your skin? You hear the birds outside and you are contempt in that moment, at peace. That is happiness to me. 22. Are you going through anything right now? Yes, I am a bit lost. Trying to finish my thesis and trying to find what I want to do after. It’s liberating but also pretty scary. 23. What’s the worst decision you ever made? It’s a series of small decisions really. It started with going for a phd with the same people i worked in my msc. Should have gone to a different place. Then deciding to come home after a traumatic loss in the family. Should have kept my life going but I stalled it then. (I don’t regret helping my loved ones though).

24. What’s your favourite store? Probably Wishtrend for beauty stuff. Other than that I don’t have any favourite brands/stores. 25. (HALFWAY!) What’s your opinion on abortion? I think everyone is free to decide what they want or need to do. I couldn’t possible judge. If I would it? Probably not.

27. Do you have a favourite album? I don’t think so, I have favourite tunes for different moods and moments in my life. But if threatened with my life, I’d maybe say Total Life Forever from Foals.

28. What do you want for your birthday? It’s such a long time until my birthday comes! But maybe a real EXO ot9 reunion as a goodbye to Minseok?

29. What is most people’s first impression of you? Friendly and easy to open up to, i think.

30. What age do you seem according to most people? In real life, people usually think I am way younger than I am. 31. Where do you keep your phone when you’re sleeping? In the crook of my bed, between the mattress and the bed frame.

32. What word do you say the most? No idea really! 33. What’s the oldest age you’d date? 40s? I don’t think too much about age actually.

34. What’s the youngest age you’d date? 20s? Again not very important to me. Love is love, whomever, whenever and wherever <3

35. What job / career do most people say would suit you? I don’t know! People always say i don’t totally fit in anything... so there’s that. If you have an idea please let me know! 36. What’s your favourite music genre? Go back to question 8. I listen to everything! :D 37. If you could live in any country in the world where would it be? I’d like to live around the world, every few months a different place and get to know different cultures.

38. What is your current favourite song? I’ve been obsessed with RM’s intro/teaser song, Map of the Soul: Persona. (I’m not even a bts fan, but this music and lyrics just touched me a lot.)

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39. How long have you had this blog for? I think for about 6 years? It’s my personal space, where I dump all my obsessions.

40. What are you excited for? I’m visiting some friends in Granada in a couple of weeks. Yay, tapas!

41. Are you a better talker or listener? Normally I am a better listener. But there are a few people to whom i open like a book. Either words flow right out of me without even thinking or they see throw me. Those truly are my people.

42. What is the last productive thing you did? Prepped meals and cleaned the kitchen. Open the folder and file of my thesis. Read the latest chapter I wrote. 43. What do you want for Christmas? Well, just like for my birthday, there is still such a long time to it! But let’s say i want to have already finish this part of my life and want to find my next adventure.

44. What class do you get the best grades in? No more exams! Ehehe! But I used to have good grades at everything. Physical Education was my lowest mark i think.

45. On a scale of 1-10 how do you feel right now? Right now, a 4? I have a headache.

46. What can you see yourself doing in 10 years? Smiling? :D I want to be happy in my own skin. To feel contempt in my life, doing something that gives me a sense of purpose and having time to share and enjoy with my friends and family. 47. When did you get your first heartbreak? Oh my kintsugi heart has been broken quiet a lot. By friends and lovers and even by myself. I keep patching it up with gold dreams though. 48. At what age do you wanna be married? I will only want to be married if i find the one. So until then I guess.

49. What career did you want to have as a child? I wanted to be an astronaut and a ballerina. Preferably both!

50. What do you crave right now? Just sitting somewhere and listening to Yeol play the guitar.

Well i finished it! :D I’ll tag @thedeviousdo @ohsenhun @hongseok and @paepsi. I’d love to read yours! Feel free to dismiss it though, it is quite a lot. Lots of love everyone!! <3 <3 <3

#50 questions tag #personal #sam's ramblings #mutuals #hope you enjoy reading about boring old me :)#it's very long i know! i talk too much

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scullyeffect · 6 years ago

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how do you feel about younger people in fandom? like the youngest side that are probably on tumblr i.e 13/14ish?

i don’t know if you mean in the x-files fandom, or just younger people getting involved into fandom stuff online nowadays so i’m just going to go with a generalization.

i’m nobody’s mother and interests are healthy, and honestly i’m 23 so i don’t know anything about anything yet, but i will say that i live with a 15 y/o girl, a 13 y/o girl, and an 11 y/o girl, and i find myself very sad when all they want to do is go on a phone and watch youtube videos and be online instead of doing something more creative or intellectual.

we had a birthday party for 11 last night, and we had to take phones away from like six 10-11 year olds, which is ridiculous. i do understand that we live in a big city (paris, which isn’t exactly the safest) and lots of kids do things independently (walk to school, walk to friends’ houses, take the métro) so sometimes i worry about 11 (who doesn’t have a phone) if she needs to take the métro alone or walk somewhere alone, and i wish she did have some way to reach me if ever she got lost or something, but 11 is so young.

i think in a world that’s become so increasingly digitized and almost making it necessary to be connected in some way, kids are growing up faster, and some of the posts online and on tumblr talk about things they might not understand yet, and cause them to form opinions based on a text post some 18 y/o wrote. i’m even guilty of this. i’ll get too lazy to keep up with the real world and get my politics from tumblr sometimes, and that’s probably not good, even though mainstream news sources can do the same thing. my mom worked for the washington post, and that’s pretty much the only place i get my news from.

i probably got my first tumblr account when i was 15, and honestly i regret it. i was a pretty sheltered kid/teenager who really enjoyed reading, doing art, writing, and watching sad european dramas about dead sovereigns and suffering artists. i somehow discovered pro-ana blogs (blogs that share and encourage eating disorders to the point where healthy people can begin to actively attempt to follow insane tips in order to lose weight), and since i actually had been having trouble with my own eating habits but never really known that those behaviors were bizarre, i self-diagnosed and was part of that “community” for awhile.

i was interested/ in love with lots of actors and actresses, and as i made it out of kind of the pro-ana area which i realized which was unhealthy lol i found out about stan culture and just real obsession with movie stars/celebrities. when i was a younger teen i was “obsessed” with meryl streep, which at that time meant that i watched all her films repeatedly. i didn’t realize people cared about the actors/actresses’ personal lives until i got on tumblr, and at the time it was really exciting to discover things about my favorite celebrities (i mean, being a fan of someone obviously isn’t new, but it was to me). now that i’m 23 i find it very invasive and somewhat creepy that we’re so interested in someone’s life, sometimes even more than their body of work. we’ll probably never meet that person, and if we do they’re not going to think about you or remember you forever, because there are thousands of other people out there who feel the same way, and they just can’t keep track (at least the huge stars).

on the flip side, i think it’s good to have role models and people to look up to, but sometimes there’s a thin line there. i’m blonde, but i dyed my hair brown in my first year of high school because i was obsessed with marion cotillard and wanted to look like her. i kept the brown throughout high school because i liked it, and sort of forgot i ever did it because of her, but now i’m blonde again and it looks so much better haha. ALSO i got really interested in france/speaking french because of her (and juliette binoche), although i had a fantastic and enthusiastic french teacher in high school to help fuel my desire to speak french. and now i’m fluent in french and live in france. wow. so, if there are people you look up to in the public eye and they’re influencing you in positive ways, that’s great! i do get suspicious when very influential celebrities share their political views, though. i think we have a tendency to follow in people’s footsteps either subconsciously or in full awareness. that could be in any field. i like certain authors, and sometimes my own writing is heavily influenced by their work. it’s a natural thing that happens. but voting really should be an informed decision...just my opinion.

let’s talk about “just my opinion”. online bullying is real and can sometimes be rampant if there are dividing views on someone and their perceived private life. for example, in the x-files fandom we will, for the most part, absolutely convince you that mulder and scully are fucking like bunnies, when the show’s own creator won’t lol. but there are also people who think that gillian anderson and david duchovny (the leads) were/are/could be at some point in a romantic relationship with each other. they (anderson and duchovny) even cater to the fans a bit, but at the end of the day that’s their business and they don’t owe us an explanation, and a lot of people in fandom sort of act like they do. the point of this example was that because people in fandom are divided about this point of view, if you talk about one side or the other, there are some people who will come at you and say mean things for not agreeing with you, and try to convince you of a truth they have no real authority to speak about. this is obviously just an example, but online bullying is rampant and is often taken personally and can really affect the person being bullied, especially someone younger who may or may not be already facing that in real life at school lol.

i think tumblr is a good place for people who suffer from mental illness to come together in a healthy way to talk through their problems (god i hope i’m telling the truth), and there’s definitely tons of awareness and support that you’ll get on tumblr that you may not find in the real world. for example, i don’t know anyone irl who has epilepsy who i can talk to about mine. on tumblr i’ve talked with people who understand what i’m going through. i think that self diagnosis online, just as much on tumblr as it is when i cough and search “signs of throat cancer or tuberculosis’, read up on web md, and immediately fear my days might be numbered, is a problem. on tumblr i think we’re introduced to concepts and can sometimes treat mental illness lightly, when it shouldn’t. if you’re suffering from a mental illness, the online world isn’t going to be the place that can completely help you (says the girl who refuses to go to therapy and instead complains online about how she’s not getting any better).

being online immediately takes us out of life and into a different world. we become observers instead of experiencing the world. there’s good stuff about observation, but being online and attached to a website that is more or less just a vice for people will often make us choose to be on our phones instead of doing stuff in real life.

all of these points being said, i’m guilty of a lot of the “bad/unhealthy” facets of tumblr, but as i’ve “grown up” (unfortunately still staying on tumblr for a good portion of that time) i’ve grown out of a lot of these things and can see the good and the bad that the online world has to offer, and know which parts to stay away from. i can recognize that spending too much time on here does nothing for my desire to stay inside and not experience the real world. it also makes me think a lot more about tv shows/films/celebrities than i need to. but i’ve also made great friends from being on tumblr over the years, and gotten support i definitely wouldn’t have gotten in real life.

back to my real life. do i encourage the girls i live with to be interested in certain media? yes, especially stuff i feel has a good message. i basically sat the two older ones down and showed them the pilot of the x-files. do they experience the same high level obsession i do with tv shows/movies? no. and i’m glad for that. they like to lose themselves in certain tv shows, but when the tv is off they don’t really talk about it. do i introduce them to things i’m interested in media-wise? yes. do i introduce them to books and music i was/am interested in? yes. have i told them about tumblr? no. they don’t have any access to my online “presence” (they don’t know my instagram, twitter, etc), and i don’t talk about it. when my computer is out and they’re in the room doing homework, i’m usually writing. granted, that’s usually fanfiction, but at least i’m writing something.

one of the boys i tutor is writing a book (he’s 11) which is basically a self insert that takes place in the harry potter universe. he doesn’t know what fanfiction is, and i haven’t told him (although he’d never type it up and put it online lol he barely knows how to turn the computer on), but i’m so thrilled he’s even writing that i make him sit down and write for 10 minutes before we ever start watching a movie (in english).

ANYWAY. i’m nobody’s mother and at the end of the day i’m posting this online on my stupid blog where nothing i say matters or has any influence anywhere, but i think kids should be able to enjoy a non-internet related childhood as long as possible. some of us on tumblr are old enough to actually have children that age, and as much as we like having an account on this site, if asked this same question we might not as readily say ‘yeah it’s great! i want my teenagers to have the same experience as me!’

there’s my two centimes. hope i answered your question. JuST MY OPINION.

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jarienn972 · 7 years ago

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The Right Place - Chapter 13

Minor fail on my part here. I thought I had already posted this to bring the chapters posted on Tumblr current with those on FF.net and AO3, but in the midst of working on my CSLB draft, I forgot to actually post it. I’ve got the next chapter in the works though and hope to have it up very soon!

From the beginning on Tumblr: Prologue/1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

Wednesday afternoon, Portland Medical Center

Four o'clock couldn't arrive fast enough as both Emma and Killian tried to speculate on what Haviland may have discovered while digging through records at City Hall. More potential ideas had of course crossed her mind than his but then she knew the workings of this world far better than he did – not that he was a stranger to the probabilities of fraud, greed and deceit being at play here. Of all of them, he had the most unique perspective in evaluating Donleavy's motives but he wasn't about to let their Portland colleagues know precisely where that insight came from. There was certainly an element of piracy to Donleavy's tactics in his pursuit of his eventual goal – whatever that might be. They were just missing that final piece.

The pirate was also quite insistent that he wouldn't be spending this collaborative session laying in that hospital bed, preferring to sit in the chair instead so he wouldn't be viewed as an invalid. In truth, he would rather they met anywhere but this room, but at least here they had a measure of privacy and that was a far bigger priority. As far as he was concerned, he had spent more than enough time staring at these alabaster walls. He wanted a glimpse of the sea – wanted to return to the deck of his ship, but he'd conceded only because there was still much work to do and at least his attentions remained occupied.

Not surprisingly, McCallen was the first to arrive, exhausted but nonetheless determined. This was his first major case and a little sleep deprivation wasn't about to deter him. He'd catch a nap later if necessary but he was extremely anxious to find out what this bit of new information might be. As he approached the entrance to the room, the young deputy knocked politely on the doorframe before entering even though Emma had left the door open.

"Okay to come in, Sheriff?" he asked while awaiting permission to enter.

"C'mon in, McCallen," Emma replied with a subtle shake of her head. "We're just sitting here running theories of what Sgt. Haviland might have turned up." The deputy accepted her invitation and stepped into the room to find Emma seated atop the bed with her legs crossed in front of her. A tiny smile slithered across his lips when he spied the man whose bruised, battered and comatose body he'd photographed for evidence just days ago now seated in the bedside chair, barely recognizable from the John Doe he'd been tasked to identify. Save for the black eye that was just beginning to yellow around the edges, McCallen saw little of that nameless victim anymore – just a fellow deputy who'd adapted to a disability as he himself had been forced to.

A fellow deputy who had no intention of being viewed as the victim any longer – and McCallen had nothing but respect for that decision.

"Thanks," McCallen responded as he shrugged off his weathered olive suede bomber jacket. "Sgt. Haviland texted me that he's on his way. I guess we should have given him your number too."

"Good idea," Emma agreed. "I'll have to remember to do that before he leaves today. Did he give you any idea of what he might have found?"

"Not a clue. He just mentioned he'd uncovered something interesting," the deputy replied. "Let me go find another chair before he gets here though." He tossed his jacket onto the chair by the window before heading back out into the hallway in search of a chair he could borrow from another area, managing to return before Haviland arrived with a wooden chair proffered from a presently unoccupied room next door. He positioned that chair in front of the closet before taking a seat in what had been Henry's preferred spot next to the window – close enough to be fully involved in the conversation yet far enough away so he didn't feel as though he were imposing. He was well aware that he was the least experienced investigator so he was more than willing to allow the others to take center stage.

"Sheriff Jones?" Haviland's voice called tentatively from the doorway as though unsure he had the correct room despite the armed deputy seated just to his right in the corridor. "Ah - looks like I've found the right place," he said when he spotted Deputy McCallen seated opposite where he stood.

"You have," Emma spoke up, turning to see the Portland PD sergeant as he entered the room. "Why don't you shut that door behind you so we can start comparing notes? I'm guessing you must have found something big?"

"You could say that," Haviland replied as he pushed the door closed and made his way past the bed toward the empty chair McCallen had brought for him, but before he took a seat, he paused to introduce himself to Killian. "Mr. Jones," I'm John Haviland. I was originally assigned to investigate the robbery at Scott's Mart where I of course saw you on the security video. From what I could see of it, you handled that situation like an absolute pro and I'm quite glad I could finally meet you – especially considering all of the circumstances involved here. I just apologize that on that day when my officers were investigating the robbery, we didn't know just how far the crime actually extended."

"Don't think there was really any way you could have known the half of it – at least until I managed to get myself dragged into this," Killian stated, "and they clearly didn't expect me to survive…"

"No – pretty sure they didn't," Haviland replied. "Guess you were lucky in that respect."

"It's a damned good thing those fishermen came along when they did," Killian said, using the official story that the Cumberland County Sheriff's Department had documented, not about to divulge the finer details of his rescue. "Anyway - enough about that. We know we're all convened here this afternoon to learn what you've uncovered, not further discuss my rescue."

"Indeed, we are," Haviland responded with a knowing grin, not at all surprised to learn that Killian Jones was every bit as tenacious and entirely down to business as his wife. He pivoted to his left, contemplating taking the offered seat for a second before choosing to remain standing. "In truth, I have a couple of items to share. I spent most of the day over at City Hall looking over public record documents related to the ferry terminal project. That whole project is fairly straightforward – city wants to modernize and streamline the facility. The bid process to build the new terminal is sealed so there wasn't any way to learn what each company submitted, but according to one of my sources, Leviant definitely looks to be the front-runner."

"So - what might this ferry project have to do with Leviant Construction attempting to purchase properties further north along the harbor? Is there an additional expansion project planned as well?" Killian asked. He might not know a great deal about real estate but he understood the acquisition game.

"Honestly – hardly anything," the sergeant responded. "The new terminal is being built adjacent to the existing one on land they already own. It's the same exact location so the properties up around Ms. Scott's store shouldn't be affected – at least not by the ferry project…"

"What do you mean 'not by the ferry project'?" Emma wondered. "Is there something else going on besides rebuilding the terminal?"

"There might be…," was Haviland's cryptic reply - which only stirred up more confusion.

"Might be? What the bloody hell is that supposed to mean?" an irritated Killian queried.

"Nothing has been officially announced yet but it seems as though the city is looking into redesigning the roads serving the terminal and the north harbor area in an attempt to give commuters easier access to downtown and the freeways," Haviland began. "Rumor has it that they're wanting to build a connector that would loop straight out of the harbor and feed into both Old Port and points north. I found a prospective filed which showed an artist's rendering of the proposed new interchange and if they're to build what this showed, most of the businesses on the north harbor would end up torn town to make room for ramps and a widened main road."

"Sounds like whoever owned those properties would probably end up in an eminent domain battle with the city," McCallen spoke up. "Wouldn't that lower the property values?"

"You'd think that, but my guess is that Donleavy has someone he's likely paying off inside City Hall who alerted him to the road development plans. For all we know, he might be buying up these properties as a way to blackmail the city into awarding his company the contract." The sergeant stated his theory but something about it just didn't click with Emma.

"If Leviant Construction is already the front-runner in the terminal project bid, why go to all of this trouble?" Emma asked. "It sounds like they'll probably get the contract anyway so resorting to strong-arm tactics and blackmail just don't seem to fit…"

"Well, that's where things get interesting," Haviland continued. "It seems that a lawsuit was just filed against Leviant seeking an injunction to halt construction at that huge office tower they're building downtown. It's nearing completion, but an unnamed source documented that Leviant was using shoddy materials during that construction which made the structure unsafe and unlikely to pass inspection. Delays on that project could cost Leviant millions and cause any awarded bids to be voided – and they'd definitely be out even more if inspectors do find fault with the building. That could mean tearing the existing structure down and rebuilding it or scrapping the project entirely. A little leverage against the city could help keep Leviant in the black and might potentially even bury the lawsuit if Donleavy had the right amount against people certain influential positions."

"So – we have the head of a construction company resorting to extortion, blackmail, kidnapping and attempted murder all in an attempt to get one contract?" McCallen was dumbfounded as to how all of this could be connected.

"Well, it is a very valuable contract," Haviland replied. "And likely whatever Mr. Donleavy and Leviant Construction profit from the terminal project would go into damage control for the office tower."

"That's some serious corporate fraud," Emma said with a deep sigh as she massaged her aching temple.

"And if your husband hadn't stumbled into the fray, we might never have had an inkling of what was transpiring," the sergeant stated. "I'm sorry for all you've had to go through the past few days, Mr. Jones, but your dilemma may have tipped us off to the biggest case in Portland history…"

"Guess you really were in the right place at the right time," Emma said with a sarcastic chuckle. "But now – how do we tie it all together and put Donleavy and his cohorts away for good?"

"I've a few ideas," Haviland answered, "but first, let's work on identifying the man that you unmasked." He addressed Killian directly as he withdrew his phone from his right-hand pant pocket. "I had one of my officers run a list of Leviant employees under the guise that this was a favor for INS. I then matched the names to DMV records and compiled a few for you to look at…" He tapped on the glass screen a few times to open the file then passed the phone to Killian with the first DMV file already displayed. "Take a look through these and let me know if any of them look familiar. Just swipe to the left and it'll open the next photo."

Accepting the phone as Haviland passed it to him, Killian positioned it in his hand so that he could use his thumb to page through the files displayed on the tiny electronic screen as Emma had shown him many times before. He focused on the miniscule image of an unknown man's driver's license photograph displayed so he wasn't privy to Haviland's sudden flush of awkward embarrassment at the realization that Killian Jones didn't have a left hand. He started to open his mouth to offer assistance, but quickly stifled himself as his aid might be viewed as offensive.

Emma had spotted Haviland's reaction and nearly spoke up, but chose not to as she recalled the conversation that she'd briefly had yesterday morning with a dispatcher when she'd only been transferred to speak to McCallen after giving Killian's description and providing the piece that had been missing from the news story – the fact that her husband was missing his left hand. Clearly the alert that had gone out from the Sheriff's Department to other local law enforcement must have omitted that detail as well and the security video that Haviland had viewed would have shown Killian's prosthetic hand - which unless you were up close - wasn't really noticeable as being artificial. Even Jean Scott - who'd gone on and on about the mysterious, handsome British man who'd been taken hostage to spare her - hadn't noticed that he was an amputee. It was obvious that the sergeant was reeling a bit from the surprise, but as she'd decided after learning about McCallen's prosthetic foot, neither of their disabilities were pertinent to getting the job done so she simply kept her mouth shut and hoped that Haviland would come to the same conclusion.

Killian in the meantime had thumbed through four of the DMV files, quickly dismissing the ones that didn't meet the right criteria – too old, too tall, too portly – but he'd paused at the fifth photograph.

"Can you make this image any larger?" he asked, offering the device back to Haviland hoping he would be able to adjust the size of the photograph displayed as he had already determined he was lacking the dexterity to complete the task himself without fear of possibly dropping the sergeant's phone.

"Sure. Do you want me to enlarge just the face?" Haviland asked.

"Please," Killian replied as the image was zoomed in to display just the face of a twenty-three year old blond haired man. Haviland turned the phone around to show Killian the enlarged photo and Emma knew instantly from the way her husband's jaw suddenly clenched that he recognized the man. "That's the younger man – the one I pulled the mask from. I'm sure of it."

"Great – let's see who he is…," Haviland began as he adjusted the image back to the view of the full Maine driver's license so he could read the man's name and contact information again. "Benjamin Toliver, age twenty-three," he recited from the display.

"Guess we need to have a talk with Mr. Toliver," Emma stated, confident that this could be the break they'd been looking for.

"Should we bring him in for questioning?" McCallen wondered.

"I think maybe we should go to him," she suggested. "Bringing him to a police station might raise some red flags. Right now, it doesn't appear that these guys know that Killian is alive. We need to keep it that way as long as possible."

"I agree," Haviland stated. "We shouldn't bring him in just yet. I'd rather start with an approach that might make him a little nervous either at home or at work. He's young and likely inexperienced so he'll probably run straight to his partners."

"I could see the fear in his eyes when I unmasked him," Killian remembered from that afternoon. "Had I not been stabbed, I believe he would have broken down right there and divulged everything. There's little doubt in my mind that he's the weakest link…"

"I just did a quick search of the database and he doesn't have a record but it says he's been working for Leviant Construction for a year. His older brother, Jackson Toliver, is also listed as an employee. This is Jackson…," Haviland flashed the DMV photograph of the older Toliver brother on the screen. "Anything recognizable about him?"

Killian stared at the photograph of Jackson Toliver for a few seconds, straining to recall the look of the eyes behind the mask. "Can you show me just his eyes?" He needed the closest image possible that isolated just the man's eyes to see if they matched the ones he remembered. Haviland zoomed in as much as the device would allow, displaying a cropped image of Toliver's face from his nose up to his hairline. There was a familiarity to the hazel eyes that stared back at him, but the pirate couldn't be entirely sure this was the second robber. Images could be deceiving at times. "My apologies, but I just can't be certain. All I could see was his eyes behind that knitted mask. The color is similar, but I cannot be positive from just that image. I'd need to see the man myself – to hear his voice and hopefully see the impression of my knuckles across his jowls."

"You managed to hit him?" Haviland queried, smiling at the thought that their quarry might have a very visible contusion on his face just like the one they'd given their hostage.

"Of course, I hit him. Rendered the bastard unconscious for a few minutes before I cornered the younger one." The pirate was undoubtedly proud that he'd been able to take on the two thieves - although that pride was smarting just a smidge from his failure to factor in a third partner. "He'll definitely be sporting a few bruises of his own."

"Thank you for that," Haviland grinned. "It'll give us something we can look for to help identify whoever is Benjamin Toliver's partner – whether that might be the brother or someone else. I think maybe we should make a trek over to Leviant Construction's worksite tomorrow morning before it could possibly get shut down by any injunction. We'll go ask Benjamin Toliver a few questions about the robbery at Scott's Mart – just enough to make him nervous – and we'll see who he turns to for help. I'd love for it to be Donleavy, but I'll settle for the other masked partner right now because I've got a very good feeling that we might be able to get those two to turn if we need to."

#cs ff #cs fanfic #cs fan fiction #captain swan ff #the right place

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tarisilmarwen · 7 years ago

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I am full to bursting with rambles about the romances in my own stories so congrats Tumblr, you are now my writing dump box.

I will babble a lot.

Adventures of the Sea Siren: High fantasy, sea-faring adventures.

Fen/Maeve-- Main couple. Captain Farrell “Fen” Armant is a newly reformed ne’er-do-well pirate. Lady Maeve Endeleva, noblewoman of the Tarshaani court, was the one to convince the Calif to pardon him, moved by some strange pity. He does not make that decision easy for her early in the story, being kind of a pain in the ass and slipping back into old habits. They clash a lot initially but eventually come to have a friendship that blossoms slowly into love. Married at end of the series.

Fisrock/Tabitha-- I think they were supposed to be my already together stable happy married couple, lol.

Evander/Cappy-- Junior member of the crew and apprentice mage Lady Maeve picks up later on their adventures. They crush on each other. It is cute.

Allemant/Rura-- Teased. Ship’s scientist/inventor guy and a Mysterious Waif they found frozen in ice. I suppose the appeal would mostly be Allemant’s utter science nerdy glee in figuring out how she worked (she’s not exactly human).

Relligon/Aisha and Relligon/Nashiko-- Teased. Loyal bodyguard of Lady Maeve’s with either another member of the crew or a local girl they picked up with Rura. Don’t think I had anything major planned with them, maybe just little teases here and there for both of them.

Venderick/Rowena-- Villain couple. Hella unhealthy in the end but they seem genuinely enamored of each other at first. It does not end well.

Artelia: Queen of Eevalond: High fantasy, kickass single mom queen rules a country and fights evil ‘n stuff.

Haegan/Artelia-- Loyal soldier/guard and the queen herself. Artelia did genuinely love her husband and misses him terribly but has been rather lonely since he passed. Haegan is always there and caring and supportive and has been nursing an affection for her for a while now. The UST is real.

The DM Can’t Roll For This: Comedy. Local D&D-type chapter finds their real life problems seeping into their campaign.

Kenji/Helena-- Main girl and dorky sword nerd newbie. Helena awkwards all around him and he’s mostly either oblivious or hilaritized.

Bruce/Rika-- Married couple that games together. They play as two tanks with Belligerent Sexual Tension. IRL they are adorably smoopy.

J.C./Casey-- Perpetually shy Shrinking Violet and oversensitive drama queen. She eventually develops the spine needed to ask him out.

Eternal Skies: Sci-Fi/Steampunk, advanced city is isolated out in the middle of a seemingly endless ocean.

Levi/Aya-- Loyal bodyguard and the Empress of the city. The idea for the story first came out of a dream but frustrations with the outrageous injustice that was Aldnoah.Zero’s Slaine/Asseylum not being a thing reignited my deep and burning thirst for Bodyguard Crush ships so I revisited this idea and that kind of relationship dynamic fit right in with them, lol. Levi’s family tried to leave the city once, caught themselves in a storm, they drowned, the then-princess Ayalin saved him. He is hopelessly devoted to her and constantly worries about her safety. As well he should, given that Aya is sometimes reckless and prone to battling bouts of crippling depression. He doesn’t know it, but she’s loved him nearly as long as he’s loved her because he, in her own words, was “the first person who made me want to live”.

Jobei/Hiriko-- Teased. Jobei lucks into the airship guard via a chance meeting with Aya, and Hiriko sort of becomes his trainer. She’s intense and scary and very intimidating sometimes but he kinda likes her. She comes to be kind of fond of him too, though she’d never admit it. I still don’t know if I wanna make it canon or leave it up in the air yet.

Four Seasons Warriors: Magical Girl type series, themed around the four seasons. (Duh.)

Sean/Soldad-- Stable couple that gets together early on. Sean is in theater. For some reason I always read his dialogue in a British accent, I should do something with that. Soldad is bubbly cheerleader type. They are full of playful banter and when she eventually confesses to the Masquerade he takes it rather well.

Chase/Autumn-- My Slap Slap Kiss couple. Chase likes to flirt with her and she gets so confused and offended and “What is this thing called human flirtation my files contain no such data.” and acts prickly to him sometimes but then sometimes is like, “Two can play at this game, Mister.” and banters back. For the most part he’ll shrug and back off when she’s in NOPE mode but when she teases back he’s like, “OKAY WAIT I’M SO CONFUSED.” and they basically bumble around accidentally being good supportive friends to each other in their low moments until they finally have to have the dreaded, “Okay what is this relationship exactly?” Which starts as an argument but ends with kisses. I mostly have it to add lulz. :)

Mitsuki/Lina-- Mitsuki is a shy nerdy geek type and Lina is the cool stoic big sister of the group. So a big Geek Boy/Stoic Girl dynamic here. They have a Meet Cute early on and Mitsuki is hopelessly crushing on her for much of the story. Lina is oblivious to most of it but tolerates his hanging around, as it keeps the bullies off him. She gets a temporary love interest (Sedaris) that is the polar opposite of Mitsuki--tall, charming, good with words, classically handsome, basically fangirl bait--and falls for him pretty quickly but PSYCH! turns out he’s evil and just wants to kill her. Mitsuki is a really supportive shoulder to cry on and she warms up to him soon after that. They get together about three-quarters through.

Adam/Elsie-- Elsie is cripplingly shy and timid and has had a crush on him forever. He’s oblivious. He remains oblivious until Trickster, a flirtatious villain with a thing for Elsie, involves him in a hostage situation. They get together. His (almost) death triggers her super-powered form.

Trickster/Elsie-- One-sided on Trickster’s side. He likes to flirt with all the girls and annoy them but Elsie he particularly takes a shine too. Hypnotizes her into serving him once. It doesn’t stick. Continues to try and get under her skin whenever he can.

Trickster/Brittney-- Brittney is actually a clingy jealous ex of Chase’s. Through some odd events she falls in with Trickster, and they hit it off... remarkably well. To the girls’ chagrin and disgust.

The Geek In Glass Slippers: Basically Cinderella at Comic-Con.

Chris (Leonid)/Cindy-- Like a lot of modern Cinderella retellings, I had the prince and the Cinderella equivalent meet before the ‘ball’. They were actually friends in high school. Then he went off and got rich and famous. :D They’re just your basic nerd couple really. She fights his fangirl army in the climax. It is awesome and hilarious.

Gutter Glamour: Steampunk/Historical Romance, three brothers gotta get married before their grandpa kicks it in order to secure their fortunes. Family drama and fiendish plots ensue.

Evander/Rita-- Main couple. Rita was a homeless urchin Evander encountered in the streets and treated to lunch. Having no luck finding a wife elsewhere, he returns to her the next day and proposes marriage. They are awkward dorks together. It is precious.

Sebastian/Vivian-- Evander’s more responsible older brother and his spacey artist girlfriend. They just recently got engaged at the start of the story so his search for a bride is over fairly quickly, lol. They have a baby partway through the story.

Destan/Lilian-- Lilian, a prim and proper seamstress, doesn’t think all that much of wild, trouble-making Destan when he comes to call and begs her parents for her hand at first. But she can’t deny she’d be marrying well so she doesn’t put up much protest. They become rather... comfortable with each other over the story.

Aidelaird/Evaline-- Happily married couple. They are so sickeningly in love it is almost revolting.

John/Penny-- Past relationship. Penny passed on before the beginning of the story. She and John had a nice little Sunshiney Optimist/Grumpy Grouch thing going on.

Farraday/Tamara-- ‘nother happily married couple, mostly got a Savvy Guy/Energetic Girl dynamic. And hella kids. Tamara wears the pants in the relationship, and Farraday is most just constantly amused by her antics.

Donovan/Cherise-- Yet another married couple although much less happy, lol. Both schemers and plotters, Donovan is still hung up on Evaline, who rejected him in favor of his older brother way back when, and Cherise is a crafty seductress whose womanly wiles play a big role in her manipulations. She initially snared Donovan in an attempt to get away from her family, only to have Donovan wind up working for her family’s company out of resentment at his own family. So their relationship is a bit, uh... frigid. And complicated.

Devin/Tia-- Hella unhealthy. Devin only married Tia to fulfill the requirements for Grandpa John’s will, and thus inherit the family’s fortune. Tia tries her best to be a good wife but Devin isn’t interested in being loving or kind. Protagonists break them up and pointedly keep her in the family and ostracize Devin.

Haegar/Ianna-- Antagonist couple. A more stable and cooperative version of Donovan/Cherise. Their machinations and schemes work more harmoniously with them as a cohesive team.

Nolan/Ingrid-- Semi-sleezy politician and snobby upper-class lady. Despite said character flaws they’re rather happy together.

The Protectoress: High Fantasy/Gateway Fantasy. Every hundred years an asteroid fragment carrying an ancient evil immortal despot comes to terrorize and destroy a magical realm. The power to stop him reincarnates into a partner team of a Chosen One from that realm, and a Protectoress from ours. Story is about the last partner team.

Ren/Lori-- The Chosen One and the titular Protectoress. Mostly inspired by MeruPuri and also just because I have a thing for relationships where the older member is sortofkindofbutreallynotreally a surrogate parent/guardian to the younger member. So Ren starts getting hot as he gets older and Lori has this moment of, “Well look at YOU!” They have a simmering kind of slow-burn chemistry, Lori naturally feels very protective of him (and not just because her inherited magical powers make her feel that way) and comes to care about him a whole lot, but holds herself back from pushing anything until Ren is older and actively starting to pursue his own feelings for her.

Sakura Squad: Sci-Fi war drama IN SPAAAAAACE. Protagonists become a mini propaganda shoujo heroine squad to inspire hope in the masses.

Keiji/Aiko-- Aiko is smitten at first sight and has a lot of trouble making herself coherent around him. He mostly just thinks she’s cute at first, and brings a good vibe to the team, but unconsciously starts taking steps to protect her in combat. His freakout when he learns about her secret Sakura Squad doings are partly motivated by his fear of her dying. Through some close calls they quickly warm up to each other and get together towards the end.

Ryuuki/Masayo-- Ryuuki is the fangirl-bait ladies’ man who is always flirting with the girls on the team, but finds himself inexplicably flustered and awkward around shy mousy timid Wrench Wench Masayo. She’s oblivious to his affections and her own feelings for most of the story.

Tarou/Kiyomi-- They have a supportive, friendly, playful banter kind of friendship. Always kind of low-key flirting with each other. Kiyomi fervently denies that they’re anything but friends but they’re caught later making out in a closet. It is hilarious.

Shiki/Kaname-- Happy stable married couple. Kaname wears the pants hard. Sunk at the end when Kaname dies in battle.

Starship 227: Sci-Fi. Elite investigative team for the galactic government fly around in their spaceship and have adventures and stuff.

Arden/Kina-- Ship captain and cute resident nurse. Arden also has a female first mate that you’d think he might get together with in a Slap Slap Kiss fashion but nope, they just don’t like each other and are also half-siblings oops. Arden is constantly hitting on Kina or looking for excuses to see her and she’s somewhat oblivious at first but soon grows to have feelings for him as well.

Squadron 15/Haven Academy: Your basic superhero high school.

Redbird/Firelily (Aiden/”Lily” Keliannar)-- Main couple. Very Brooding Boy Gentle Girl. Redbird is awkward as hell around her and she makes him go all blushy but he can be real sweet and protective and caring and she just warms up to him more and more over the story and becomes protective over him too and there’s a lot of mutual caring and concern for each other. They get together later.

Shard/Vapor (Cliff/Shawna)-- Shawna’s dated around and actually has a boyfriend at the start of the story, whom she breaks up with because he’s a ~dramawhore~. Shard lowkey has a bit of a crush on her the whole story and she doesn’t exactly discourage him and jokes about how she should totally date him all the time. Eventually he realizes he really likes her and plucks up the nerve to ask her out. He is huge and she is tiny and it is cute.

Quickster/Silkworm (Miguel/Kimiko)-- Just cute kids who like each other being cute together and going on fun dates.

Captain/Illusion (James/Janet)-- Team Dad and Team Mom. They have a playful, comfortable sort of relationship and just like to spend time around each other away from the craziness of their “kids”.

Captain/Sketcher (James/Ellie)-- Teased. Not emphasized much but hinted on occasion that Sketcher has a crush on him. It never develops into much and she forgets about it quietly as the story goes on.

Crimson Ray/Silver Shield (Leonid/Alisa)-- Sweet good-natured nice boy and sweet good-natured Ill Girl. They are lowkey and quiet and very heartwarming. Also endlessly tragic when the ship is sunk with Alisa’s Heroic Sacrifice to save the city. I milk the angst for all it’s worth. It is almost mean.

Flint/Solar (Andrew/Doris)-- Happy married couple. They kind of needle and poke each other playfully and make each other flustered. It’s cute.

Nighteagle/Cosmar (Douglas/Zoe)-- Stoic introverted Angsty McAngsterson and the bubbliest, sunniest, most energetic ball of energy ever. Cosmar has a massive, not-so-secret crush on him and it confuses and baffles the hell of out Nighteagle.

White Eyestones: High fantasy war drama.

Indin/Elarin-- Happy married couple. They have their rough patches but they smooth them out quickly. Sunk when Indin dies halfway through the story.

Elsiron/Thelnaela-- This one was almost kind of an accident? Lol IDK I just really liked writing Thelnaela being all teasing and playful around him and their banter almost wrote itself and I was like, “Ah yes. This should be a thing.”

Winds of Ikilia: Fantasy quest in an asian-inspired world. To try and win a war against an evil empire a crown prince kidnaps a young tribesgirl with mysterious powers. Her friends come after her to rescue her. They have adventures.

Kai/Nadi-- Main couple. Hella cute. Been friends since childhood, get matched by the matchmaker early on in the story. Have a very deliberate Older Girl/Younger Boy thing going on. They spend a lot of time being worried about each other and having playful banter and saying heartwarming things to each other that make my character Tiri groan and roll her eyes. Decide to start officially referring to each other as betrothed and fiance partway through the story. Married in the epilogue.

Ainusan/Ta Lian-- Oh gosh this is... *giggles* This is actually kind of a running gag. See my protagonist Nadi once disguises herself as a noblewoman while she’s looking for her friend and Prince Ainusan comes in and basically confuses her for Princess Ta Lian and is rather impressed by her spunk, being that he thought she was more of a ditz. Ta Lian herself hears about his poor first impression of her later, from Nadi, and is so OFFENDED and ANNOYED and “That jerk I liked him!” and from then on I basically just make cracks about how they should totally get together. And then the payoff comes in the epilogue where I reveal that they totally did. I did it because it was funny.

Ainusan/Kiria-- Teased. Little bitty hints here and there that Kiria has a tiny crush on him. Nothing major.

San/Tiri-- Teased. Tiri likes to flirt at him and he sometimes banters back. Doesn’t go anywhere but provides much lulz

San/Kiria-- Also another case where little hints are dropped that Kiria has a crush on him. What can I say, she likes dem older boys.

Korda/Keyla-- Married couple. Nadi’s parent’s. No big.

Wings: Magical girlfriend story. Fairy family gets stuck living with normal human family for a while. Their kids fall in love. Drama ensues.

Hideki/Elaina-- Main couple. It’s pretty much love at first sight for Hideki, and he immediately wants to ask her out. She’s thrilled at his attention and forwardness and caring and becomes super protective of him and they are basically adorable at each other. They get married partway through, in a magic ritual that will serve to protect him from fairy machinations.

Kubo/Haruna-- Married couple. Hideki’s parents. Not much else to be said about them. They’re stable and healthy and long-suffering together.

Oberon/Titania-- Their marital problems are the driving background noise behind literally every single problem the two families ever have. They seriously need counseling.

Ronan/Amara-- Married couple. Elaina’s parents. Amara had a lot of bitterness in her heart from a previous first love (a human, ordered killed by Oberon when he found out because he’s hissy about fairy/human relationships because Titania’s a cheating skank with them) but Ronan managed to soften her and help her find a measure of healing and happiness.

Tallas/Elaina-- One-sided. Tallas is a fairy noble who has a creepy interest in Elaine and has on one occasion tried to ask her father for her hand. Ronan sensed he was bad news and vetoed that right away. Amara was later approached with the same offer and told Tallas where to shove it. He persists in trying to woo her himself but she’s not flattered or interested and he basically slips more and more into an adolescent hissy fit of If I Can’t Have You, outright brainwashing and threatening Hideki in one case. Roundly thwarted in the end.

#romance writing woes #ships #shipping #story ideas #nanowrimo

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pidgydraws · 8 years ago

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365 thank you’s aren’t enough!

Today, March 17th, marks my one year anniversary on Tumblr! (O w O) i can scarcely believe it’s been that long! so much has happened and i’ve met so many wonderful people along the way! if i could make a giant cake and share it with all of you, i totally would!!!!

(can you believe i’ve drawn 265 of these selfie-doodles?! i told my sister and she said “that means you took 100 days off you f***ing slacker” lol)

when i first came here i was at a very, very low point; both in terms of my health and my creativity, and while there have been up’s and down’s along the way~ i can’t recall more than a few truly down days since then! <3 and they never lasted! once upon a time, i went for years at a time without drawing, and i felt the same kinds of worries and doubts as so many other creators do~ but i’ve felt incredibly liberated through my work here! and i’ve grown and changed in a lot of ways as both a person and an artist!

to date, i’ve created over fifty pieces for assorted fandoms~ mostly Yuri on Ice, Voltron, and Final Fantasy XV~ in terms of new favourites; but that pales in comparison to the almost two hundred (WHAT?!?) pieces i’ve drawn for The Force Awakens fandom! if you had told me a few years ago that i’d one day go beyond being a casual fan of anything Star Wars related i’d have seriously doubted it! hahahah!!! but not only is that true today, through the kylux fandom i’ve met more amazing, diverse, kind, and creative people that i’d have ever known was possible! some of whom i feel so blessed to still be able to call dear friends a year on! and because of them~ i was able to build my confidence, branch out, and meet all of you new members of my fandom family!!! <3

I’ve been able to take part in so many great community and charity project this year that i almost can’t believe it all happened in just one year! (O AO) time sure files!!!! and now i have the kylux reverse big bang and anthology to look forward to this year! plus i hope to find others to take part in with my other favourite fandoms! (-^ ___^-) <3 also, i hope to meet even more great people and have even more fun experiences!!!

i was given lots of good suggestions for projects i could do to celebrate my anniversary (since i’ve already re-drawn the first thing i ever posted!) but nothing really seemed quite right. so i’m going to hold off and do something big in the near future since i have a follower milestone coming up! (^ ___^) and also because i like to get you all involved too! nothing makes me happier than trying to give back in some way, since you all do so much for me every day!

i thought about making a list of people who i want to thank... but... it’d just be a list of everybody i’ve ever followed or interacted with!!! (^ w ^) i’ve endured so very little cruelty or hate here that i’ve scarcely met anybody or followed anybody who didn’t have a positive effect on me! <3 And those big thank you’s i have in my heart... you already know who you are! (^ O ^) you’re those few people who would ACTUALLY read this whole post!!! and i love you! love you so, so much!!! i have a hundred thousand hugs in my heart today and their all for you!!!

but even then, there aren’t enough thank you’s i can say, or drawing’s i can produce, to express my gratitude to every single person who contributes to - not just my experience here - but the positive experiences of everybody on this platform. there will always be a harsh, dark, and ugly side to every place, and to all groups of people, so... to those who make places like this, inclusive, welcoming, nurturing, and fun ~ (-^ ____^-) an even more special thank you to you!

SO! (^ O ^) to all of you! may your fandoms be free of ugly discourse and your Ask boxes full of love! use every day you have to be kind to yourself and give yourself the same patience and respect you give to others! be kind. be creative. share what you love, and be tolerant of those who love different things. do your best, but forgive yourself for your weaknesses. you never know where you’ll be in another year!

#about the pidge #tumblr-versary #one year #WHAT?!#SO LONG?!?!#and yet #also #not long at all!!!!#(-^ w ^-)#love you guys!#*HUGS FOREVER*#i've drawn practically every day this year!!!#WOW!#(O [ ]O)#i'm so excited to see what my post at the end of NEXT year will be like!#hahahah!!!#(-^ ______^-)

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startwreck · 8 years ago

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I’m going to attempt to recap Duchovny in Boston day (February 22, 2017.) Warning: this could get long and sappy because it’s 3 AM and I’m just brain dumping. Under a cut...

Woke up this morning think I would only go to the Bucky F*cking Dent reading/signing event. Had a ticket and I loved the book (read it / Audible’d it last spring) and thought secondhand embarrassment would be minimal in that setting. Great. Planned to cut out of work for a couple hours to go. As I’m walking to the venue, Jen @snowvitamins texted me, and through the magic of distinctive scarves, we were able to make our acquaintance. She was with Mer @damselindistressmya. Fun fact: In the course of trying to find each other, Mer was described as wearing “a Mulder season 10 jacket.” In my anxious and distracted state, I took this to mean that Mer was wearing a jacket with a likeness of Mulder in Season 10 on it (I pictured a varsity jacket, you know, with a leather torso and felted sleeves? and then just a giant Mulder head on the back of it.) Needless to say, I momentarily pondered hiding my scarf-marker. Luckily, I’m an idiot and Mer was wearing an Army jacket similar to the one Mulder wore in Season 10:

So the reading doesn’t happen. Not sure if this was due to the size of the turnout (we wouldn’t have all fit where they do their readings), time constraints, voice preservation, a rogue edible, or what (file under: none of my business.) I was excited to hear David read a chapter so I was briefly disappointed, but totally understand, would still follow the Booksmith and/or DD to the end of the earth.

Stand in line for a while and then it’s my turn. Give him the book with the post-it with my name in it. He pronounces my name correctly (as if I didn’t love him enough already) and I give a smile and say “yep.” He starts doing the inscription. My brain then says “fuck it; we’ll do it live” and I say “I really like the line, ‘Eighty-six years, a long and lucky life’” and tell him how my grandfather, a lifelong Red Sox fan, lived almost exactly those eighty-six years that he’s referring to, born in 1918 and passed in early 2005. I must have been looking down at the table/book when I said most of this, because when I return my gaze up to his face partway through this, he was giving me that Intense Eye Contact (TM), clearly flattered that someone quoted his own words to him. It was a solid looking-into-your-soul kind of stare, like he was trying to decipher who I was in a five second period (and I gladly would have given him my entire family’s social security numbers in that moment.) The man knows how to connect with an audience, that’s for sure (#ACTING.) At that point, either DD or the manager dude standing there (I blacked out so not sure who it was) says, “So he got to see them win.” Downer that I am, I reply bluntly, “Well he had Alzheimer’s at the end so we’re not sure that he really knew.” Manager dude said something like “I’m sure he did” (aka “stop talking, crazy.”) I say “thank you” and make my exit.

Now, had my Day of Duchovny ended there, my day still would have been made. But what happened over the course of the rest of the day was something special. It was a beautiful much-needed reminder of how the arts can connect pseudo-strangers in a magical way and how there is still goodness in humanity.

Over lunch with @snowvitamins, @damselindistressmya, and @myassbrokethefall, we all come back down the earth. I learned that @myassbrokethefall almost accidentally had David sign a book about sheep herding and @damselindistressmya had a lover’s quarrel with him over basketball. We exchange details about “real life” and also discuss topics of fandom and Tumblr politics. It is lovely. They’re all going to the concert, I want to hang out with them more, and they promise I can hide behind them if I’m embarrassed, so I buy a concert ticket on my phone as we’re finishing lunch. It’s mezzanine-level so I can always sneak out or hide behind a seat, right?

I go back to work for literally two hours. I catch up on email but also flail to @dangerscully and @crossedbeams, my transatlantic support team. Yes, you guys are a part of this story. Thank you for your support and sweet messages. Can’t wait til we unite. Let’s just meet halfway into the Atlantic, shall we? I’ll start paddling now...

After a solid two hours of work, it’s time to get our drink on. @stellagibsonisalifeforce and @x-files-behind-the-scenes joined the lunch crew for dinner/drinks pre-concert and they’re awesome too. Seriously, reminder that if you ever have the opportunity to meet Tumblr friends in “real life,” do it. I only have a couple drinks and I’m getting nervous that it won’t be enough to combat secondhand embarrassment. But I’m in it now. It’s happening.

Thanks to @snowvitamins, @damselindistressmya, and @stellagibsonisalifeforce, I actually end up on the floor rather than up in the mezzanine. Go big or go home, right? We’re very close to the stage, just two or three rows of people in front of us. Pat, local boy from Watertown (”Wahtahtown” - DD) who’s in the band, opens. There’s a little break to reset the stage, and then the band comes on stage. I have my ear plugs in my hand, ready to go as DD joins them to wild applause. I’m pretty sure I said “ohgodohgodohgod” half under my breath for the first 1-2 songs. But then I realize something. He’s actually...good?...in person. Err, better. But his stage (and floor) presence, enthusiasm, give-no-fucks attitude, and ability to connect with the audience -- sometimes through Intense Eye Contact (TM) -- more than make up for the occasional flawed pitch. I imploded about two thirds of the way through when I experienced Intense Eye Contact (TM) via the Duchovs for the second time that day. It was during the a song that I had definitely never heard. I was listening and our eyes just met and he sang holding his gaze there for more than 10 seconds. It was seriously transformative. While his eye contact while signing said “Who are you?”, this look said “I know who you are.” Truly a religious experience (TM by @kateyes224.) Update three days later: I finally figured out what song this happened during. All I remembered was that the song had “can’t” in it and that one of the words during the Intense Eye Contact (TM) was “love.” After doing some detective work and familiarizing myself with the album, I have determined that it was “Another Day” in which my Intense Eye Contact (TM) occurred, around the end of the first verse and beginning of the first chorus:

Another home Some other love Another guy sent high above Some other lie, we tell ourselves Passing time before the bell

I can't live long enough To bring you around

After this moment that briefly made me believe that romantic love was a possibility for me, he moved on to work another area of the crowd (I saw a review that said he was really an equal-opportunity crowd-worker and I couldn’t agree more, though he won’t engage with you if you are chronically camera phone-ing -- which I love.) I turned around and briefly freaked out to @damselindistressmya (”that was directed at me”) before returning my attention to the stage and really getting into singing along with the “Ooh oohs” since I didn’t know any of the other words. Not that I’m biased by that experience or anything, but after listening to the album for a couple days (trying to relive the memories), “Another Day”

My other favorite moment came when David came off the stage onto the floor during one song. We’re all dancing up a storm but @damselindistressmya was closest to the action so I gave her a friendly push into the splash zone and stay on the perimeter (apparently crowd control is a secret talent of mine?) I can’t see what’s going on exactly, but a few seconds later, Mer emerges, walking/dancing/shimmying backwards towards the stage, followed by David, who’s doing the same moves, but facing forward, towards the stage. In other words, they are face to face having a dance-off right in front of me. After a few steps of their impromptu tango, Mer somehow has the wherewithal to peel off to the side gracefully to allow David a path back up on stage. It was seriously a work of art. I'm not sure how Mer survived because I’m still not sure how I did, and I was merely a witness. I can’t draw for shit but I felt the need to produce an artist’s rendering of what unfolded before me (style inspired by @jamofappreciation):

Other concert highlights:

@stellagibsonisalifeforce and @snowvitamins’ love of band member Jeff (that eventually we all got in on.) He did have a great blazer (not quite as awesome as DD’s hooded number though. Good work, Nancy.)

Making new friends between Pat opening and the main event. New friends = Alexa & Scott, I think?

David dedicating a song to band member (and opener) Pat’s grandfather, who was there at 80-something years old. They pointed him out and he stood out and everyone clapped for him. Adorable!

Singing Happy Birthday to band member Colin. We were terribly out of tune. I’d like to think this put DD at ease because he realized we were also pitch-impaired.

David showcasing each of the band members individually during one song (”Sweet Jane,” maybe?), going over to each one individually and putting a hand on their shoulder while they played and just being the sweetest father-figure-esque thing ever

Dad dancing for days. I tried to mirror all his moves. Ended up sweating nearly as much as him and my calves hurt for two days after.

David talking about the best political songs are the ones that aren’t political until they suddenly are / need to be

They recorded the album in Boston and many (all?) of the band members are from Berklee, so it’s special for them

Intro’ing his new song “Half-Life” as “It has science in it”

Boston-accenting “Stars” to “Stahs”

Discussing the merits of traveling by train (very Biden-esque and I loved it)

A lot of sweat. At one point I noticed a bead a sweat drip off his face onto the floor. I wanted to live inside that moment forever.

Full band in pussy hats for the encore

Everyone singing along to “The Weight”

Everyone singing along to the chorus of “Hell or Highwater” (I said I’d love you forever, come hell or highwater / Well, babe the flood’s in)

Lots of genuine gratitude (holding his hand to his chest), especially during the closing “Thank you”

Also got to wave to @thattimetheykissed before the concert and say hi after the concert. Great to meet you!

Special thanks to @campaignofmisinformation for starting the Sunday night re-watches that brought so many of us together. The entire day was just the embodiment of @ihavefeministbones’ recent A+ character development post. Seriously, we were quoting it at every turn. Thanks to everyone who made this day unexpectedly great! I’m off to sleep for probably three hours and then will wake up thinking this was all a dream. Please pinch me tomorrow (err, later today.)

#david duchovny #david duchovny music #hell or highwater tour #duchovny in concert #February 22 2017 #duchovny in boston 2017 #personal #fandom #friends #I love you all #it's 4am #I'll proofread later #update: finally proofread and updated three days later #text post #long post #this is way too much information #but it's for the memories #so deal with it #personal fav

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fiddlezips · 8 years ago

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Okay well @moony-balloons asked ALL the damn questions so I will answer them under the cut!

Here’s my character Stash file for reference!

1. Your first OC ever? The first character I ever wrote about was a cool dude named Zip. He liked to skateboard and wear sunglasses and hunted snake people with his buddy Zan in a forest. This story was later repurposed into PyraMADness!

2. Do you have a personal favourite among your OCs? Rique. orz 3. Have you ever adopted a character or gotten a character from someone else? Haha yep! Thanks to the ol’ AlienAdoptables days on DA, I acquired loads. Admittedly, a lot of these were customer from the start, but still. Rique and Amadeus, to name a few, started as adopted aliens.

4. A character you rarely talk about? Derek Appleby, Fingers’ ex(?), purely because Ben used to ask me about him all the time lol.

5. If you could make only one of your OCs popular/known, who would it be? Rique isn’t likeable enough for that to be good for him haha. Actually nah I’ll go with Rique.

6. Two OCs of yours that look alike despite not being related? Daedalus and Dehan are supposed to share similar physical traits to emphasise Dehan’s narcissism lol. It also relates to their Engelbaum roots, in which they were essentially the same person.

7. Are your OCs part of any story or stories? Haha of course. They all have their own little stories in some way or another. It’s rarer for me to have an OC who isn’t part of a story. 8. Do you RP as any of your OCs? If you do, introduce one of your RP OCs here! I’m roleplaying as Jones at the moment! Here’s his profile: linky~ 10. Introduce an OC with a complicated design? I favour characters with simpler designs, since then I can focus more on their actual features rather than fancy hair/clothes/markings. I do have Crinkal though!

11. Is there any OC of yours you could describe as a "sunshine"? Like... a ray of sunshine? Pretty much all of my OCs are sad in some small way fff. Wotsit/Cheeto and Skylar fit this pretty well though. 13. Do you have any troublemaker OCs? Yes. Rique, Vincent/Bergine, Demon Jack, Tetch, Leroy, etc. 14. Introduce an OC with a tragic backstory Not hugely tragic, but Jack and Nauty have kinda sad stories. Walker’s is pretty tragic in certain stories, if you can believe it. No excuse for him being a dick though lol. 15. Do you like to talk about your OCs with other people? Hehe yes. Ben helps me figure stuff out about them. 16. Which one of your OCs would be the best at biology (school subject)? Probably Jones, since he’s a science teacher and all.

17. Any OC OTPs? Daedalus and Dehan started as one drawing because I liked how their Engelbaum forms looked together. Now they have their own comic haha. Theo and Tref are still nice together. 18. Any OC crackships? Not really, actually! Flash/Cheeto before it became about Flash adopting a cat-boy as his son instead lol.

19. Introduce an OC that means a lot to you (and explain why) Probably Leroy, since he’s nostalgic yet relevant. 20. Do any of your OCs sing? If they sing, care to share more details (headcanon voice, what kind of songs they like etc)? Amadeus sings like the male singer in Aqua. Rique is excellent and has great range. Jack loves to sing and play music in general.

21. Your most artistic OC Skylar likes to draw and puts a lot of passion into her work. Dehan is highly talented but lacks motivation. Daedalus tries. 22. Is there any OC of yours people tend to mischaracterize? If yes, how? Fingers isn’t actually high all the time; he rarely uses drugs because that would be bad for business otherwise. Daedalus is also pretty intelligent even though I draw him acting like an idiot lol. 23. Introduce OC that has changed from your first idea concerning what the character would be like? Amadeus was created so I could have a nasty villain who would remain a nasty villain forever. He... became a bit fluffy haha. 24. If you could meet one OC of yours, who would it be and why? Daedalus because he’s nice and big. 25. The OC that resembles you the most (same hobby, height, shared like/dislike for something etc?) Skylar! Not intentionally, but she’s developed into it. We both like art, goth clothes, and old dudes. 26. Have you ever had to change your OC's design or something else about them against your will? One of my characters has a speech impediment (has trouble saying Rs), but I didn’t explore this further because somebody said they found it annoying when characters had that trait. They didn’t explicitly tell me to change, I just felt uncomfortable and unmotivated with it from then onwards. 27. Any OCs that were inspired by a certain song? Tierney is ‘La La Lainey’ by Forever the Sickest Kids. Nauty is Passenger’s ‘Fear of Fear’. Monty is 100% ‘Dance With Me Tonight’ bu Olly Murs. 28. Your most dangerous OC? Walker or Amadeus. 29. Which one of your OCs would go investigate an abandoned house at night without telling anyone they're going? Bridget and Tierney. Rique would do it because it’s his job lol. 31. Pick one OC of yours and explain what their tumblr blog would be like (what they reblog, layout, anything really) Daedalus is so easy for this haha. Selfies at the gym, memes, posts about his daily physical accomplishments, really nice photos of Dehan. 32. Which one of your OCs would be the most suitable horror game protagonist and why? Trent would probably do alright. He will fight things despite having zero chance of winning, is experienced enough to not immediately die, and is surprisingly brave. 33. Your shyest OC? Colon, Trent, maybe Nauty. 34. Do you have any twin characters? Dehan has twin daughters, and I’ve thought about him being a twin himself. 83 Amadeus has twin sons (Archie and Robbie). 35. Any sibling characters? Bick, Rique, Marsha. Archie, Robbie, Beda. Theo and Ritchie. Daedalus and Sarita. 36. Do you have OC pairs where the other part belongs to someone else (siblings, lovers, friends etc)? I’ve had a number with my buddies over different universes and such. c: Amadeus with Tenor’s Taylor; Jacobi with Moon’s Dorian; Rique with GZ’s Ambrus. ;D 37. Introduce an OC who is not quite human Leroy and Jones are vampires wow.

38. Which one of your OCs would be the best dancer? Beda is a dance student so she has an advantage hehe. Monty is great too! 39. Introduce any character you want “This is Rique. Don’t shake his hand, I don’t know where he’s been.”

40. Any fond memories linked to your characters? Feel free to share! I love Rique because of the great World of Darkness times with my friends! Those RP nights kept me sane when work was tough. c: 41. Has anyone drawn fanart of your OCs? If yes, maybe show a picture or two here (remember sources & permissions!) For some reason I’ve lost the ability to post images this far down so here is a Trent commission I will always love. 42. Which one of your OCs would be the most interested in Greek gods? Daedalus is a big fan. 43. Do you have any certain type when you create your OCs? Do you tend to favour some certain traits or looks? It's time to confess Old guys regretting their life choices.

45. A character you no longer use? Any number of AlienAdoptables characters fff. 46. Has anyone ever told you that you treat your OCs badly? I don’t think so? I’m only mean to the ones who need their comeuppance. 47. Has anyone ever (friendly) claimed any of your OCs as their child? Haha maybe. I don’t really have enough nice small characters to fit that though lol. 48. OC who is a perfect cinnamon roll, too good for this world, too pure Neeraj, if a 60+ businessman can qualify. 49. Which one of your OCs would most likely enjoy memes Dehan. 50. Give me the good ol' OC talk here. Talk about anything you want I sometimes forget that Rique is my character lol. Like I’ll think about stuff he’s done and it takes a while for me to remember that wait, I was there, I did that stuff. Cos I know so much about him and it’s really easy for buds to suggest something that is perfectly Rique and it makes me happy okay.

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mcrmadness · 4 years ago

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4, 11, 18 & 26 for the non american ask^^

Thanks! :D

4. favourite dish specific for your country?

Does rye bread count? You just can't get the perfect type of rye bread from anywhere else than from Finland, and I think also Estonia loves their rye bread? There's probably some dark breads in Scandinavia too but I feel like they might be a bit sweeter, which is not my favorite. (They also had rye bread in Poland when I visited there, and it was fine but not like the one I've got used to here :D)

The typical, good Finnish rye bread is almost or only 100% rye and it's slightly sour. I usually eat only rye bread that is 100% rye because the wheat there is totally pointless and if it's not wholegrain, it's just... basically same as putting sugar in the bread, (the wheat there) has absolutely no nutritional value.

***

11. favourite native writer/poet?

Hmm. I don't like poems in any language and apparently this is something I've had since I was a little kid because I always took some Finnish poetry books from the bookshelf (my mom loves poems, especially this author's) and yeeted it to somewhere in the room............. I just didn't like having it in the bookshelf at all XD

I also haven't really read any books from Finnish authors. I don't think we have THAT big of a scene, it's quite difficult to be any kind of artist in Finland cos you have to do so much work for that and it still might not be enough. I guess most here do several things, or write a book as a sidejob because it might be impossible to make a living with that. The first and latest book written by a Finn (Antti Holma) was this autobiography by someone who started as an actor, but doesn't even live in Finland anymore because this country just doesn't offer him suitable work anymore, and he can still write occassionally when living abroad. I liked the book tho, but I don't know if I he is the best answer for this when his books are literally the only two books written by a Finn that I have read.

I own more of non-fiction by Finns, but mainly those are just horse related books, e.g. about the history of Finnhorse, or horse training books from an animal trainer Tuire Kaimio, and her books were my first touch to "natural horsemanship" when I was 13.

Also, Finland of course has a long history of writers, there's lots of big names and altho I like reading, I'm so bad at reading books people label as classics. I haven't read any of those books that "every Finn has read". Like, no... I'm not interested in most of the topics, I even hated Kalevala (our natural epic) at school because I hate poems so much that I was crying blood (also from my ears) whenever I had to hear those super annoying Kalevala rhymes.

***

The rest of the stuff under the cut.

18. do you speak with a dialect of your native language?

Yes!!! I'm from the East Finland and from an area where there is no particular dialect but it's like a mixture of all the Eastern dialects, and there's lots of variety already within the area of my municipality (the other end speaks slightly differently than the other end, and I live here in the middle :D). So this is really a mix of Savonian, South- and North-Karelian and I think something might come here from the Central Finland too.

I'm also extremely fond of dialects and my paternal grandma was from South Osthrobothnian, very close to the West coast, and I just recently talked about it with my mom and she said that altho my grandma lived and also died here in the East (and I was born here and have lived my whole life here so far), she absolutely hated the Savonian dialect and always said that she's not going to start talking in it EVER XD And she didn't! She always talked in her South Ostrobothnian dialect and altho I don't really remember much of that - I was 13 when she died - I guess it still is so strongly in my genes because every time I hear that dialect somewhere, I just feel like I had gone home and I feel so warm inside! Also I relate so strongly to the stereotype of West Finnish people, they're said to be very reliable and honest, and I'm a nice mixture of that AND the Savonian stereotypes too. ("A cunning Savonian", for example, lol. Apparently it has something to do with the dialect/worrisome nature of us and we not really giving straight answers, even if it wasn't even actually LYING - there's also a saying that "When a Savonian is speaking, the listener is in charge.")

That's also why I have, unintentionally, adopted lots of the Ostrobothnian dialect into how I speak, so my personal dialect is not only what people here normally speak, but also has lots of features from the Ostrobothnian dialects.

When I write online, I often clean up my dialect a bit because this Eastern dialect is actually really, really strong. I love how it (also) sounds, it has this very relaxed sound to it, like there's no worries in the world? I love it. So when I write, I write a bit closer to the common spoken Finnish, but when I start speaking... my dialect gets very strong again. Sometimes, if I'm nervous, I go more into the cleaner version because this dialect is also very noticeable and usually whenever I speak it somewhere else, people will comment on it because West Finns often find it so funny or cute sounding - or the opposite, some find it extremely obnoxious and wish no one would speak in it :D Actually if I see anyone commenting how annoying the dialect is, I start talking or writing in it even more strongly on purpose XD

Another funny thing I have noticed about how I speak is that, well, in Finnish the 1st pronoun is "minä", most people say "mä", but in my dialect it's "mie". I have always found that fun to say, but I have never liked writing it. Whenever I did comics or wrote stories/fanfiction in Finnish, I always wrote "mä". I just could not hear "mie" with them. But lately I have noticed that when I want to talk about me in a written form, like a comment on youtube, writing "mie" will give away immediately that I'm from the East and the dialect will piss off people. Sometimes they even come to comment to me something racist about Russia altho I have no connections to Russia? My whole family tree is from Finland, I might even have some roots in Germany, actually. So I very often have now replaced that with "ite" when I write - it comes from the word "itse" which, well, it's easiest to translate into German as it means "selbst". So basically I say "I myself...", but I use it like a pronoun because you can do that in Finnish, and it gives me the opportunity to avoid using "mie" and sounding "childhish", but still I have a pronoun there. Fortunately in Finnish you can also leave out the 1st and 2nd pronouns but when I add "ite" there, it kinda just emphasizes the verb even more.

Omfg I love languages and linguistics and dialects so much, I could just keep going about Finnish dialects and mine but I could imagine it being very difficult to comprehend if you don't have any existing knowledge over Finnish overall! :D

***

26. does your nationality get portrayed in Hollywood/American media? what do you think about the portrayal?

Very rarely, currently I can't remember any that would have not had Finnish people working with it. Usually Finland is not really known in the US, I think not everyone even in Europe know what or where is Finland even, so usually any time this country gets mentioned somewhere, everyone goes crazy.

There's probably not a single video on youtube without at least one comment going "Suomi mainittu, torilla tavataan!" if Finland has been mentioned in the video. That phrase means "Finland mentioned, let's meet at the market place!" I even use this tag in Tumblr whenever I see some random post with lots of notes and someone mentions Finland (and the someone is not Finnish themselves).

Actually, now I just remembered something! In The X-Files there has been a mention a few times! I don't remember anything else but this one episode about a chess player boy, and Scully says "Helsinki syndrome", which is an alternative/old name for "Stockholm syndrome" :D Always have to throw a party after that line XD (Jk :D)

There's also this one time when Conan O'Brien made fun of Finns on tv, and he got a bunch of angry letters from Finns and he actually apologized on tv :D Then, I don't remember if it was before or after that, he noticed he actually looks a lot like Tarja Halonen, who was our president at the time, and he made some jokes about that and in the end he actually visited Finland and even met with her, a few times :D That was HUUUUGE for us Finns XD I remember watching the episode of his visit to Finland with my family lmao.

Now I also remembered something else... SO TYPICAL OF ME :DDD ...also typical of me to forget it right after remembering it. Wtf was it again? Oh yeah! I watched lots of Jackass and Viva La Bam when I was a teenager, and it was so exciting to see how excited Bam Margera was over Finland, because he was really into Finnish (metal) music. He even once made a movie, which wasn't that interesting tbh, called "Where the F* is Santa?" and it was kinda sweet of him how he got so angry every time someone said Santa Claus comes from the North Pole, because he knew he comes from Rovaniemi, Finland instead, and he tried so hard to pronounce the name correctly and corrected everyone who thought Santa doesn't come from Finland :DD

Okay I think this is ENOUGH ::D

#lebignom #ask games #long post #finland #finnish #finnish culture

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captainvincetheprince · 8 years ago

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My Opinion about the UltimiaAlmighty Drama

(SPOILERS FOR UNDERTALE, but at this point, you probably already played the game and knew about the endings and stuff)

(Also this is about the entire Starbot & UltimiaAlmighty drama, so if you’re kind of getting tired of seeing this stuff, maybe you should check out something cooler. Also, this is REALLY long, so if you still have the patience to still read this, then go ahead and thanks.)

Um.....hi internet! Hello there, @starbotdubs, @hawker-rawr, @camilaart, @walkingmelonsaaa, @jennibelleciao, @vadeva, @askfriskandcompany, @maxoutoften, the Starbot Protection Squad, and UltimiaAlmighty and his fans! It’s a pleasure to meet all of you!

This is my first time making a tumblr post! And, well, I guess I didn’t expect my first post to be somewhat negative and filled with drama, but I thought this is something I really want to talk about and share my opinions. To be completely honest, I have no idea if this post has any purpose since I highly doubt people are going to read it, but DARN IT, I’m just gonna go for it because I think this entire experience can teach all of us something valuable (and it’s not just a simple, UltimiaAlmighty is horrible, etc.)

So yeah, I’m a fan of Starbot Dubs, UltimiaAlmighty, Hawker Rawr, Camila, and of course, Undertale, the game that brought this amazing and supportive fandom together. Everyday after school and during free time, I’ll go onto the internet, just waiting to see what wonderful content you will bring to the internet. The fun reactions UltimiaAlmighty brings on his Youtube channel, the well-voiced comic dubs of Starbot Dubs, the hilarious comics of Ask Drunk Chara from Hawker Rawr, and the beautifully animated Glitchtale from Camila. These are the things that kept a smile on my face, no matter how hard times are, even if school is hard, even if there is problems between social communities at school, even when I feel depressed and sad……

However, things soon changed after Starbot Dubs revealed the truth about UltimiaAlmighty, about what happened to her. And then other artists that he interviewed pitched in, they told what happened, how they were harassed by who I thought was a kind, humble, and supportive person. Soon, the place I went to relax and have fun now hosts arguments against UltimiaAlmighty, people were constantly bickering about the how he did wrong, blame was placed not only on UltimiaAlmighty, but Starbot herself, traces of anger can be found all over Tumblr and Youtube. The internet didn’t became the place where I look forward to, it started to become something I’m a little afraid of, where stress, drama, and negative emotions run rampant.

The worst part is, I was scared of how all of this seems to mirror what’s happening in real life between my friends. I have a friend who all of my other buddies ditched, because they claim he caused too much drama, too much stress for them to handle, so in the end, they all gave up on him. They called him bad things, made fun of him, just like how people are blaming UltimiaAlmighty and all the deeds he made.

So, as a fellow fan, I thought I want to talk about my own opinions on everything and open up more civil discussion.

Concerning about what UltimiaAlmighty and his actions, I do agree that this is something that should not be taken lightly. Harassing and pressuring someone is not okay, especially if you did that 8 times to 8 different women. However, even then, I don’t think some of the current behavior and action towards him are really fair. Stuff like death threats should stop, and I personally think that some of the ‘bullying’ of him seems too much. For example, that Star Wars parody Vade made seems a bit too much, and other things like the Star Story that depicts UltimiaAlmighty as the big baddie also…..just seems to be too harsh for him. I know Vade explained that his Star Wars parody was made merely for fun (if I’m correct), but for me, he made it at UltimiaAlmighty’s expense. Also, Uncle Max seems really, REALLY mad at UltimiaAlmighty, and he constantly puts him down and calls him horrible, bad, etc.

I will like to make it clear that I am NOT victim blaming any of Starbot and her gang of friends. All of Vade’s, Uncle Max’s, and the Starbot Protection Squad’s actions are completely understandable. I will like to offer my apologies and luck for what happened to the 8 ladies and their friends, I’m sorry that UltimiaAlmighty has harassed you guys like that, and I’d like to think that in the end, you guys made the right decision. Informing others about the truth and his actions shows others not to do the same mistakes that UltimiaAlmighty. That being said, please DO NOT blame Starbot for whatever UltimiaAlmighty goes through, because I know that she and some of her friends didn’t intend UltimiaAlmighty’s channel to be taken down (I think…..). However, I think that some of the hate and actions against him seems way too harsh and abundant. I know many will disagree with me, but I feel like he learned his lessons, some of his twitter posts suggest that he’ll make sure not to preform the same mistakes that he did. I know that he might be just putting on his ‘nice guy mask’, and while I’m not certain if he’s actually lying or not with his apologies,I’m still willing to believe in UltimiaAlmighty just like how Papyrus still believes in Frisk/Chara during the No Mercy Run in Undertale. A part of me knows he’ll be reformed, a much better person than he used to be. I’m completely aware that he may be lying, aware of the danger of trusting him, but I’m willing to give him another chance and forgive him, similar to how Papyrus was at a very risky situation and aware of the suspicious behavior of Frisk/Chara, but ultimately, against all odds, still believes the human can become a better person, even in his death.

So, if people shouldn’t keep hating and putting down UltimiaAlmighty, what should we do? Simple. Let’s think back about the game that brought us all here, Undertale. And let’s think about the two ‘villains’ of the game, Asgore and Flowey. In the game, Asgore is depicted as the main villain towards the human, wanting to take their soul and shatter the barrier, waging war against humanity. Yet, despite that, the majority of us still refused to fight him, shocked when he destroys the Mercy button. Eventually, when we are forced to fight him and then beat him, we gave him Mercy, we didn’t kill him. Why? Well, I think it’s because we all know he still suffers from a tragic past, he lost Toriel, he lost his two sons. We know we didn’t have to kill him, that we can show him kindness and mercy instead of granting him death. Later on, we all know him as the goat dad, a very gentle and kind monster. And then there is Flowey, the guy who is suppose to be the biggest jerk in the entire game. He mocks us, he tried to kill us, he then kills Asgores and absorbs the six human souls, turns into the big monstrosity known as Omega Flowey, then corrupts our save file and tries to kill us. But in the end, when we are given the option to kill him or show him mercy, the majority of us showed him mercy. He kept asking us why, that there is no point in sparing him, that he’ll just come back again and kill not just us, but our friends, he gives us many good reasons as to not spare him, but regardless, we did. We kept showing him Mercy. I think the main reason why everyone in the end spared Flowey is to show him the light, that this world is not Kill or Be Killed, that everyone deserves a chance. After that, Flowey once again tries to kill us by absorbing all of the monster’s soul and the human souls, and we are shown that Flowey is actually the King’s son, Asriel. As the Hypergod of Death, he tries to kill us, but we refused, we continued attempting to spare him, because we know we can SAVE him, that he deserves to the kindness and love that he never got to feel as a flower.

Some of you may be thinking: “Well, what does this have to do with UltimiaAlmighty?” Well, everyone seems to be depicting UltimaAlmighty as a villain, or horrible person who done some bad stuff. And while that is true, well, why can’t we try and save him too? Just like how we forgave Asgore and showed him Mercy, how we spared Flowey and showed him the light, can’t we try and show mercy to UltimiaAlmighty? I understand that many are unwilling to forgive him, and that’s okay, it is understandable and there is no shame in that. However, I encourage everyone to at least stop saying bad stuff about him, to stop with the hate against UltimiaAlmighty. Let’s not FIGHT with violence, hate and death threats, let us ACT with positive reinforcements, encouragements, and words of kindness. It may seem hard to do all of this towards someone you may have a burning hatred for, but just like Flowey and Asgore, they don’t need to be the villain. For those who are willing to give UltimaAlmighty a chance, let’s all try and SAVE him, not let him fall into despair.

Of course, I should mention that I’m aware that some people are already making sure not to be so hateful towards UltimiaAlmighty, even Starbot herself states that while she doesn’t forgive him, she does believe that he probably deserve stuff like death threats (that is, if I’m correct).

So heed my word, my friends! Bean Squad! Let us put down our crowbars and stop breaking knees. Starbot Protection Squad! Cease the DEUS VULTS and lower your swords. UltimaAlmighty fans! Stop the victim blaming towards Starbot and her friends. Let us all unite as the loving, supportive fandom we always was, and let the hate be washed away! I know it may be rough, and I know negative emotions will still linger, but time is on our side! It will help mend the broken hearts and wipe away the tears on our faces, it will eventually put the smile back on our faces, it will all make all of us NUMBER ONE!

*We are Number One plays in the distance*

Starbot, Hawker, Vade, Uncle Max, Camila, WalkingMelons, Jennifer, AskFriskandCompany, Studio CatBird, I want to thank you all. You guys inspire me very much, in fact, I’m currently thinking about doing something like comic series with my OCs thanks to you guys! You helped broke me out of my shell, you helped overcome my shyness and gather the courage to write all of this, so thank you. Thank you for showing others to not make the same mistakes that UltimiaAlmighty did. Thank you for the amazing content and joy you all have been providing to us Undertale fan, and we all await for what you have for the future.

UltimaAlmighty, I have no idea if you are reading this or not since it appears you don’t have a tumblr account (at least I think so), but I also want to thank you for the good times on your channel. Your reactions never fail to make me smile, and I’m aware that you even sometimes donate to charity with the money you earn. While you have made mistakes in the past, I’m willing to take a chance and trust in you, and maybe one day, your ‘nice guy act’ no longer becomes an act and instead something that you actually are. A new chapter in your life has begun, and I know you’ll do okay with it.

If you made it this far, well thank YOU very much too! You actually had the patience and time to read my opinions on all of this! I hope that at the end of the day, somewhere in the future, we all can unite again, no more arguments, no more hate, just fun and smiles to be had all the time.

If I’m correct, I submitted this to Starbot in hopes that she can see it along with everyone else, but I thought just for a good measure, I’ll post it on my blog/page and mainly because instead of seemingly just addressing her, I was addressing basically the entire internet, so maybe Starbot got a little confused about my submission (again, I’m still a newbie to Tumblr and there are still many things that I’m not super familiar with on the internet)

Senpai pls notice me

Of course, I couldn’t leave just yet without a gift, and I have a pretty good idea of what everyone likes.

Hugs?

HUGS

Forgive me if my drawing looks horrible and pls don’t kill me for drawing UltimiaAlmighty with everyone else

Anyways, thank for reading this post! Especially for a newbie like me! Regardless of what you think about all of this, I hope you learned something valuable today. Thank of all you guys once again for this wonderful community that I’m able to be in.

Sincerely, a passionate fan :)

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