#i also understand that ptd was a lot of people's first time seeing the boys live

[cosmicdreamgrl]

had a random conversation with a friend today since the anniversary of my ptd shows are coming up next month and real talk: as fun as those were, as nice as it was to see the boys live after the whole mess of the pandemic & as great as it was to see on and black swan performed? it will never replace the sys tour shows i attended. those were special to me, they still are and for the record, i'll never get over what could've been with the mots tour. sigh.

[akookminsupporter]

"BTS-Only = Racist?" anon here.

I think it's a fair question. Cultural appropriation is a thing. Taking bits and pieces from a culture that are popular and then disregarding the rest. Miley Cyrus saying she invented twerking when it had been part of the black community for decades. Corn rows being a protective hairstyle for centuries, but a white women had them in an 80's movie and now all those black women are copying her.

So, people claiming BTS but not other kpop groups, could be a red flag. It's not always, obviously you're interested in the Korean aspects of their lives, watching their award shows, learning about the perilla leaf thing, etc. But there's some people who just want them to sing more English songs. Do more English interviews. Try to distance them from their Korean roots. Take the parts they like (their voices, their dance moves, their style) and push back on their origins.

It's the "you're pretty for a black girl" people. The "you're not like those [insert minority]" people. See where "BTS isn't like other kpop groups" could be read similarly? I'm not sure I would consider those people fans. Like Tkkrs disregarding things the boys say themselves, some BTS-Only people could be disregarding that aspect of their lives.

You're not like that, you care about them. I see that from your blog and our conversation. But yeah, that was what I was trying to say before. I absolutely think it's possible for someone to claim to be a fan of a foreign artist and still be racist towards them.

I understand what you are saying. But sometimes it is important to differentiate between cultural appropriation and cultural appreciation. Many times the former is confused with the latter although it is also true that nowadays it is sometimes a bit difficult to know the latter is the real intention. I digress. Regarding the first part of your second paragraph. Isn't that taking it to extremes? Why assume that a person who only likes bts (I don't want to use the word claim) and not another Korean group is bad? I'll sound like a broken record but for me, that comes down to personal taste and yes there will be cases that won't be like that but, are we so fucked up that we always have to think the worst first? I imagine that there are people, locals, who like bts for their music and nothing else and are not interested in other groups, that's possible. Casual fans I think they are called. Regarding the second part of your second paragraph, I understand what you are saying. A lot of people like BTS but they don't like that they sing in Korean, here I think the argument that many people want to strip them a bit of their Koreanness fits. I like your art but let's make it more western, I guess we can sum it up. I remember we had discussions about this here on the blog when bts released butter and PTD. Regarding your third paragraph, I partly understand what you are saying but I go back to what I said before, why assume the negative right off the bat? I do think bts is not like other K-pop groups, I think the resentment from other fandom is partly because of that. I think the success of bts is because of that but that doesn't translate into them being less Korean or behaving like less Korean or looking like less Korean. To me, that translates into their music, their art IS different. And for me personally, it's obvious. Different doesn't always have to have a negative connotation. I think it's wrong to assume that all the examples you give are basically the same. Context is important. I'm not saying it doesn't happen but I don't think it's healthy to assume that it always is. That's a bit depressing, don't you think? I think we have read too much into this whole discussion. The discussion started because of something a multi fan said and I assume many who think that way are too, so I imagine the background of that thought is that BTS is not the best and that there are other groups that deserve at least the same, that bts has.

Having said all that, the last thing you said is definitely possible. That's why I've never understood why when a white person is being racist they say "but a lot of my friends are black!" As if that immediately shields them from being racist against other pocs.

[jinstronaut]

every month of 2021

post your favorite or most popular post from each month this year (and it’s ok to skip months)

tagged by @kimtaehyunq​ and @thatredwine uwu

i only made this blog at the end of may, so there’s only six months worth of content, but i’ll still pick out some of my favorites ♥♥ 

june

get to know me meme, kim seokjin -- this was my first (actual) set, and it’s nothing too special or flashy, but it’s the first!! so it’s special to me uwu

get to know me meme, sope -- this was the first set to actually take off and get some traction (which is exactly what sope deserves) and i luv it still to this day!!

get to know me meme, maknae line -- this set was quick to follow the second one, and i specifically remember the kindness and praise in the tags of people’s reblogs, and it made me very warm and fuzzy inside :’)

july

random bangtan edits, kim seokjin -- this lethal set still makes me 🤪 when i think about it

get to know me meme, kim namjoon + jung hoseok -- i just really like the way these sets turned out, i think the gifs look really smooth and nice :)

get to know me meme, black swan -- the same as above, i think these gifs came out looking cool and smooth, esp the winged jimin one. i also tried a new coloring and even if it didn’t stick around, i think it fit the theme of the mv very well!

august

random bangtan edits, namkook -- i made this set on a whim after watching run bts, and it’s one of my most popular sets to this day. understandably so, too, since it’s literal comedy gold. (team mint choco all the way)

get to know me meme, dionysus choreo -- as a big choreography fan, i’m happy this set took off too. it’s absolutely what this unit of a song deserves. also, those dance practices are Not easy to color.

days of jinkook, day three -- i started this series for fun because i love jinkook’s dynamic so much, and this set still holds the top spot for the most popular one. look at them!!!

september

namjoon’s birthday event: mono, favorite habit, favorite looks, favorite relationship, intro: persona -- these are kind of all clumped together because they go together, but i’m really proud of what i did for this birthday event. it was the first one i participated in, and i experimented with some new content making styles (due to time crunch mostly), and i was so floored at how well received it was. ♥

october

jimin birthday event: theme one, cutie -- all of these sets somehow took off (which is incredible), but this one really took off. and i don’t blame anyone, because look at him. this was the second birthday event i did, too, and i had a lot of fun making content for a member i don’t usually create content for!

jimin birthday event: theme three, lovely -- this is my second most popular set on my entire blog (i think), and oddly enough this was the set i was the most nervous about. i wasn’t sure about how my gifs fit the theme, but everyone was so kind and receptive :’)))

pink seokjinnie -- another set i just made on a whim because look!!! at him!!! the cutest softest boy that ever was. this was also my first time using my New(tm) photoshop, so even if there’s not a huge difference, i was excited to try out another technique!!

november

random bangtan edits: airplane pt. 2 jin -- i made this because i love to torture myself :~) giving the people what they want, not what they asked for

jin’s birthday countdown -- honestly i just put the entire event i did. i didn’t see one that anyone else had made, so i took what little time off i had at the time and just made my own sort of countdown to celebrate the love of my life. i really am proud of what i managed to accomplish in such little time ;o;

ptd on stage: yoongi’s dancey dance -- this is the most popular set i’ve ever made! i don’t know how it happened, as i made it completely on a whim and posted it randomly, but i’m so happy people liked it. his little wiggles really just took me out.

december

jin’s birthday set -- i just love this man and i’m so happy i could do something to show that love okay. i’m not always great with words and i’m still shy and don’t know how to express all the things i want, but this really helped me :’))

taehyung’s birthday countdown: green theme -- this event is still on going and i’m really excited!! i was also super nervous about this set, i didn’t think it looked good but i didn’t have enough time to tweak it. instead, it was warmly received and everyone’s words of encouragement really inspired me to be less critical of myself ;o; thank you all ♥

i’m still learning and trying my best to improve every day, and i’m always thankful when people interact with the content i make. i’ve never been a huge worrier when it comes to notes or anything, i truly just like to mess around and make fun stuff, but when people are so nice and encouraging and kind, it really does make all of the hardwork worth it. thank you from the bottom of my tiny little heart 🥺

tagging: @bisexualrapline, @sugaftrm, @blueandtaes, @plaids, @taeunwoo, and anyone else who wants to c:

[struggle-but-its-all-ocean-floor]

63M in 20 hours is pretty low for 875… PTD tanked HARD on youtube, i know so many people that are done streaming, including myself bc I just don’t think it’s fair to stream something I genuinely DONT enjoy. I work at a retail store and like the previous anon said This is straight up the music they play there but try to say this shit on Twitter and toxic fans will start to report your acc just for having an opinion… 🙄 anyyywayyy i love the boys but sheesh 🤨🥲

I dunno if it tanked... Tbh, BTS don't seem to care much for YT views, and ON didn't do that well on YT either. Plus, PTD is not even a title track... But yeah, considering the fandom's goals, you can tell a good portion of the fandom isn't ecstatic right now.

Anyway, I don't care about YT views that much, but the song's reception has been lackluster to say the least (esp. by current BTS standards), and I wonder how aware of it BTS are and what they think of it. Are they going to acknowledge the criticism in any way?

I've been seeing people mention that DNA and BWL were also kind of controversial, but I don't think MOTS:7 in general, Dynamite, Butter, or any of the recent Japanese releases, were this divisive. I'm sure PTD won't do poorly at all, and a lot more people than we assume loved it, but I feel like they've stumbled for the first time in years...

Honestly, it's mean, and I feel bad for the boys, but I hope this is a lesson to them. I love them but I want to hold them accountable for the part they play in this big, disgusting capitalist machine. I really hope they feel embarrassed for releasing this song because I feel embarrassed listening to it. I don't want to shame people who like this song. I can understand that the song is catchy, and the beginning is by far the worst part - the song improves considerably towards the end, and I like JK's "Heyyyy" a lot and Sope's little dance. I can imagine people enjoying it, the way they enjoy musicals or cheesy songs. And the song would've been perfectly okay if it had been made for a Disney OST. But it was made for "Army" and it's a BTS song, so it's not okay in my book - BTS are better than this and we deserve better than this.

Also, no one needs to stream this or any song ever unless they want to!

Thanks for the ask :)

[tiredstarryeyes]

2011

This is incredibly long overdue. I’ve been meaning to post this for a while now, but fear has always stopped me. It’s a relief to finally feel and hear my voice, regardless if it’s only in written form. Warning: Mention of DV, suicidal thoughts, and depression. 

When I was 18, I had a roommate that was in a physically violent relationship. I heard, and at times witnessed these acts, for roughly a year and a half.

I had just moved to Sydney to start my journey as an Actor, and I was scared shitless, broke as hell, and so naive it was pathetic. After a mere few weeks, I was all of sudden thrown into the deep end of adulthood, and faced with the choice of standing up for myself and this victim. It really didn’t hit me at first. The weight of what was really going on. It’s a part of my life that I’ve not talked about, a trauma that eventually chipped away at my psyche, and turned my mental state into mush. It’s safe to say because of this, I now have a love-hate relationship with my past, as it’s something that I will always be in therapy for, but I’m not ashamed to admit the struggle. I’m not the only one in this world who has been through something like this, and definitely not the only one who has been through depression and trauma.

The reason I stayed, was because coming home and starting again, would mean that I had failed. My biggest fear in life. I had planned to move out of home since I was 15. Worked at a crappy part time job for over 3 years and saved every penny I made. People at the bank knew me by my first name, praising me for being so diligent with my money. I auditioned for a school and got in, so did my best friend at the time with hers, respectively. Everything about the plan was put into motion, and then here we were, ready to start our new lives. Thinking back on it, I was just young and dumb and selfish, yet understandably, I was also in shock. Having been so isolated and protected from the harsh realities of the world, then immediately faced with this type of responsibility, I simply could not cope. I’m ashamed to admit I sat in mostly stunned silence until it was over, then just went to sleep. I remember everyone waking up the next morning, exchanging awkward small talk, ignoring the bruises, and pretending nothing had happened. The repercussions of telling my family, and sticking up for myself and this girl all at once, stuffing up my best friends plans as well, was seemingly too much to bare. I had no experience in the latter, so I drowned within the uncertainty of it all. I think I was in denial as well, but I really had no idea what to do, so I simply did nothing.

Sadly, because of this, all good memories of my first apartment, my early 20’s, and living out of home for the first time, are tainted with sounds of screams. 

Before I sound like more of a wet blanket, I know that everything happens for a reason, and I’ve made this part of my journey the reason for my strength and resilience, and that’s something to be proud of. 

As they they say with trauma, the mind may forget, but the body doesn’t. The PTSD, PTD, anxiety, depression, and emotional triggers that came from this experience, didn’t just go away once I left. Doors were slammed in my face, things were thrown, people were slapped and beaten, furniture was pulled to pieces. It took five years to talk about it without crying, and I still do to this day at times. It’s a trigger for so many things, and I still feel guilty over it. I think I always will to an extent, and I’ve had to work really hard to be at peace with that. If it had affected me this badly to just see and hear it, I can’t imagine what internal struggle and pain was inflicted to the person at the other end of those fists. The aftermath seamed worse than the actual event, and that was a hard thing to accept. I walked around angry for too many years. Too much time wasted hating the world for what was happening to her, how I couldn’t just get over it once I finally bit the bullet and crawled back home. Rather than enjoying my life, like so many people told me to do, I know I let the experience, and my reaction to it, rob those years from me. 

I eventually did call the police after a few months, though.

I asked her one morning if she was scared. She said yes. So I kept going with the questions. I asked her if she wanted it to be over. She said yes. I asked her if she wanted to leave this person. She said yes. I asked her if she was afraid. She said yes. I asked her how long it had been happening. It was way longer than I expected or could wrap my head around. I told her that I had heard everything and that I was scared too. She said she was sorry and we both hugged and cried and fell to the floor. I’ll never forget that moment. Two bits of broken pieces finding each other on dirty carpet. A mess of feelings. Both numb and drained at the environment we were in, feeling stuck and desperate to get out. I made a pact with her and told her to scream for me next time things got heated, and when she did, I ran in and got her just as I had promised. We waited in the dark and I called the police. A few weeks passed, and we went to court. I was standing there in front of the double doors, ready to go in, my scripts clutched to my chest for the acting class I’d have to attend afterwards, (because I moved to Sydney to become an Actor, and a court hearing wasn’t going to stop me. That was my thinking process while in the midst of losing my god damn mind, naturally.) standing there willing to testify for what was right, was one of the scariest moments of my life, staring at the judge in the court room, full of other people who didn't give a shit if I was having a meltdown or not, including the police officers, though are we surprised?  

Then, sadly, nothing really came of it. Except my $30 check for making an appearance. The officer then gave me their business card and told me to send them an email if I needed anything. Like a fucking email was going to stop someone from getting beaten up? But lol ok you do you boo.

Relationships like that are messy and complicated and don’t make sense unless you’re in it. I get it now in retrospect, as I’ve put up with bad behaviour and my fair share of narcissism from men, so I get how hard it is to break things off. 

Boy, do I get it. 

I’ve spent the last 9 years of my life putting myself through therapy because of what I didn’t do, because I didn’t reach out, living in fear. When I couldn’t stop ruminating over the guilt and self loathing and self pity of not making better choices, not feeling I was smart enough, good enough, worthy enough of anything in life because I let this happen. 

One night, thinking about what happened in that room, I drank too much wine, blacked out, and told my doctor I wanted to go on antidepressants the following morning. I was sick and tired of not feeling like these thoughts were coming from my own brain. It didn’t feel like mine and I didn’t feel like me. I was on them for 8 months.

I can’t deny I’ve never thought about not being here either. What this world, my family, or what my friends would do if I were suddenly no longer here, had started to cross my mind a lot in those days. I don’t have those thoughts anymore, but I have had them clear as day, and it has to be said.

I remember the moment it felt like my thoughts were finally back to how they were before it all happened. That moment in the movie when the character is called too adventure, before it all goes to shit? That alive, happy person full of hope and ambition. I wanted to be her again, and I finally started to recognise the old me in this moment. 

I remember breaking down in the shower at the gym, during the fourth day of taking Citalopram. Sobbing happy tears because I finally recognised this thing in my head that was making me think and navigate my consciousness again. Like I had woken up from a bad dream. I literally felt the imbalance of chemicals changing over in my brain, re-wiring itself so I could finally function again. 

This memory, is why I am who I am, and I wear my mental illness that at times seams non existent, but at other times is emotionally and physically debilitating, really fucking proudly, and everyone else can as well. Apparently 1 in 7 people in Australia suffer from depression sometime in their life, so this is not a rare occurrence, just a rare conversation topic to be had because of the stigma against mental illness. 

It’s 2020. Let’s change that. 

I write this because these dark parts are the realest, rawest bits of myself that I relate too more than anything else. They give me strength and drive and motivate me to always do better for my past self who hated herself too much. 

Also, not a lot of people may fully understand the fact that I have depression and anxiety, without really knowing the extent, nor how it came about. I guess it’s because I lost my younger years to this very rough and draining experience, so I think I’ll always appear young at heart and seam more innocent and plain than I actually am, as I’ll always feel like I need to make up for all that lost time. Watching everyone else live through their early 20′s so positively. Because I never did, and this may possibly be my anxiety talking, it may affect how people perceive me. In the Acting world, seaming younger than I am has worked to my advantage, but in reality, people may misunderstand and judge me for it, too. I just hope this post will help make people understand why I have not had certain experiences, and to not judge other people if they have been through the same. There is always more to a person. To sound cheesy as fuck, we are all just the tips of the Icebergs above the water, and you may never know what's been endured beneath the surface of someone, or why they are only showing you certain parts of themselves because there’s not a simple answer for it, and that’s not a bad thing. They are not lazy, boring, or inexperienced. I am not an open book, and I don’t care if you can’t find the patience to try and understand why. 

Depression, to me, feels like this:

It’s like a dark storm cloud that follows you over your shoulders everyday. I can’t sense it on the good days. But, when it’s there, I struggle to see through the fog and it’s like I’m suffocating or choking. When it’s triggered and starts to rumble, all of a sudden you can feel it tingling down your spine. It’s similar to a foreboding like feeling that is all encompassing and knocks you around, mentally and physically. It’s like a presence that gets more difficult and heavy the longer I ignore it. I usually have an inkling that something has been triggered, even if it’s not obvious right away, and I soon come to know that I have some work to do for myself over the following weeks when I have this certain feeling.

If I don’t have the time to reflect however, (in my case, I was filming for my first TV show a few months ago, and didn’t want to focus on anything but the work, and boy did I pay for it afterwards) the storm always becomes louder and I become more lethargic or more sensitive or angry, and it feels like my limbs are constantly dragging me towards the ground. I’m exhausted when I wake up because my anxiety hits me at night and I can’t sleep. And then the cycle repeats itself and I am, a mess. It can be a very temperamental thing when you’re out of your routine. It’s also hard sometimes to differentiate between having off days and feeling down, which is fine, but then if I’m waking up and realising it’s been a week and I can’t stop crying, that’s a warning sign I’m on the precipice of an episode. I know then that this is the beginning of just a bad few weeks, and I need to figure out how to get out of this dark place in my mind. 

The last few months, it’s been my anxiety that’s gone and unsettled me to my core, and after a few sessions of therapy, some Valium, keeping my boundaries up, I’ve mentally been able to reset myself, and can look at life more clearly for what it is. 

This year has been stressful for the entire planet, but I think it was probably a mixture of self doubt, paranoia, staring at the age of 30, maybe, and feeling more isolated than I actually am because of covid. Many reasons I’m sure I’ll figure out later, but I stopped crying a few weeks ago, and don’t feel down anymore, so it’s going to be a good month rather than a hectic one. There’s also a lot to look forward to as well now, and positive thinking is feeling less like a chore. (You know you’re out of the storm when feeling happy ain’t draining! Am I right!)

One thing that has helped is the BLM movement here in Aus, and connecting more to my heritage. Unpacking my childhood in relation to that is going to take a bit more strength, but I know more about my people at this point in my life then I ever have before, and it’s helped shaped my identity and made me feel more closer to myself. I know now, it may always feel like there are missing links to an eternal puzzle that may never be completely put together, or understood. But, I know that's not my fault. It’s because of what this country did to my people. Their voices were taken, their lives erased and destroyed, and thus, were not given to me to learn about and pass on like other generations had the privilege of doing. 

I feel like we are louder and stronger than ever before, but that’s probably because we have had no choice and have never given up. 

At times, all I can do is read about them online, listen to my friends stories who have lived with culture around them, watch our movies, read our books, and feel something I cannot name. That’s not to say I have not experienced racism. I have, and do and always will, and I already feel fear for my future children because it is inevitable. But, I find comfort from the fact that I know this essence of myself has been, and is always going to be there inside me to help make me strong. No matter who I am or what I become, my Aboriginal identity will always be something I can treasure and protect and claim no matter what someone may think of me. I can talk to my ancestors however I want, defend my people whenever I want, because it is no one else’s journey but my own.