#i also think my depression might be making a comeback so *yay* to that

[dragondemoness]

Ultimate Cuteness Series - Ultra Despair Girls Edition (Part Six)

Dragon’s Note: We’re back, baby! FInally found the inspiration :3 I’m still not a fan of how I’ve been writing the series so far, but eh, who cares. This is my comeback

The walk back to the hideout is painfully awkward.

Toko and Komaru don’t say a word to each other, and you seem to be caught in the middle. In an effort to ease the tension, you turn to them with your signature smile, although this time, it appears awkward.

“So, um... Wow, that sure was a tough battle, huh? Good thing we won though, right? You two really are strong, especially when you fight together!” 

Toko turns to you with a sharp glare. “D-Don’t try to distract us with your brainless optimism... It’s not gonna help anything.”

Komaru sighs in response. “Don’t be rude to them, Toko. They didn’t do anything wrong. Say whatever you want to me, but leave them alone.”

This causes Toko to turn back on her, and they argue once again. After that, the rest of the walk is filled with excruciating silence. You soon return to the hideout, and Komaru asks for Shirokuma, but the adult only walks away in silence. 

Soon, the adorable white bear does appear. “Heeey, you three! Yay, you made it back safe! Now, I wanna hear the whole story, but first... Come leap into my arms!”

“Jeez, this guy developed a taste for hugs fast...” Toko remarks. Komaru doesn’t move, and Shirokuma opens his arms. “C’mon, don’t be modest! Do it! Do iiit!” 

Toko turns to you. “Well, Omaru is a bit of a sad sack right now, so why don’t you ask (Name)? I’m sure they’d be more than happy to hug you...”

Shirokuma turns to you expectantly and holds his arms out. 

“Oh... Okay.” You then go to him and hug him, and although he and Toko both wonder why you seem hesitant, Shirokuma accepts the affection happily. “Yeah, there we go! Now it’s your turn!”

He then turns to Toko, who shrugs and begins to approach him. “I-I guess I can... I haven’t taken a bath for a while, so I might be a little sticky.” 

Shirokuma quickly steps back from her nervously. “Oh... How about you comb out your hair, take a bath, and change your clothes and undergarments first?” 

Toko gives him an angry look. “Jeez, pushy! Why don’t I just wrap myself in a bow for you, too?” 

You giggle at her. “Aww, I’ll hug you, Toko-chan!”

Toko shakes her head. “Of course you would. God, you’re so weird...” 

You tilt your head at her curiously. “Is that a no?” 

Toko sighs in resignation. “J-Just do it... Whatever...”

“Yaaay!” You grin brightly and give Toko a tight hug. She stiffens up in discomfort but allows you to do it. 

Shirokuma looks at the two of you happily. “It’s so nice to see you three getting along! Anyway, you must be tired. Why don’t you rest for a while?”

Toko looks around. “With the mood in here, I don’t think I could sleep, even if I wanted to. Aside from you, everyone seems... Unwelcoming.” 

You turn to her. “Miss Hiroko wasn’t so bad.” 

Toko shrugs in response. “I guess...” 

Shirokuma waves his hands in front of him frantically. “D-Don’t worry, they’re just shy! I mean, two girls in school uniforms, AND the cutest, most wholesome person on earth? That’s enough to make a man’s heart burst!”

Toko turns to you with a smirk. “Not just men, I’m sure...”

Komaru looks down at the ground, still appearing depressed. “...Thanks for the offer, but I really don’t feel like resting right now.” 

Shirokuma gives her a curious look. “Komaru, what happened? Did the connection not work?”

“No, it worked fine,” you said, “it’s just our connection that went out.” Komaru silently nods in agreement. “Yeah... And I’m also not sure that Future Foundation is going to come through.”

Shirokuma sighs sadly. “I see... So that’s why you’re so down. I’m sorry... Do you want me to pat your head?” 

“Pat her head? How many heads have you crushed with a hand like that?” Toko asks. 

“Hey, I’d let him pat my head... It feels great,” you tell her, causing her to scoff at you. “Y-Yeah, see? I don’t do anything like that!” Shirokuma insists.

Komaru nods. “Yeah... I trust you, Shirokuma. You’re the only one I can trust anymore... Well, one of them, at least.”

Komaru turns and gives you a small smile, and you smile back. Shirokuma then reveals that Haiji and the others are in a conference, and you go and enter the meeting room and listen in. 

“It doesn’t matter if they’re just kids! We have to kill them before they kill us!” Adult M calls out.

“But the kids have those Monokumas on their side, and those twisted animal monsters. We have to do something about them.”

As you listen in, your body begins to tremble fearfully as you whisper to yourself. “They wanna kill the kids...? No... I can’t let that happen.” Your bunny plush nods in agreement, and Toko watches you closely.

Tell me that thing isn’t alive, she thinks to herself. You hear Haiji declare that acting now isn’t the best play, insisting that he doesn’t want to put the adults in danger. Hearing this brings a change in you as you clench your fist, and your expression turns blank.

You disgust me...

What’s up with their eyes?! What’s their deal? Toko thinks to herself.

Shirokuma then brings the three of you inside, and brings up the idea of persuading the children. Haiji objects to this, as do the adults. You and Komaru give your accounts, having met the kids yourself, further solidifying that the idea was impossible.

“You really think a group of monsters like those kids can be reasoned with? Adult D asks.

The only monsters here are you...

“I bet they’d kill us the second we show up to treat with them.” Adult N adds.

And they should...

“Plus, this group here... There can’t be peace with those kids. You know what they’ve done.” Haiji states.

What about why they did it...?

“Those brats don’t even care about family. Things like persuasion... It will never work.” Toko points out. “That’s right. They’re not human, they’re demons!” Adult O calls out in response.

No... You are.

Haiji ultimately decides not to act immediately, which Toko seems to find cowardly. You can’t help but agree. The two of them argue, and when Komaru calls Toko out for not understanding the feelings of the weak, you find yourself agreeing with her, as well. As the Ultimate Cuteness, and even before you claimed that title, you were always targeted for being weak, particularly by one individual. You snap out of your thoughts when Toko finds a comeback of her own.

“You think I’m ‘chosen’? You must be kidding. What’s so great about me? I’m a w-walking inferiority complex! But hey, look at (Name) here! They might be weak, but at least they don’t use it as an excuse. B-Besides, it’s not like they suffered for it.”

What a bold assumption. You were tired of hearing that. “...Yes, I have.”

Toko turns to you with a look of doubt. “Oh, r-really? What could someone like you have possibly gone through?”

You look down at the ground as you clench your fist. “...Bullying.”

“Huh?” Toko looks at you in surprise, and Komaru look at you sadly. “(Name)...? See that, Toko?! You’re so insensitive!”

Before Toko could fire back with a comeback, an adult rushes into the room, saying that Monokumas and plush monsters are attacking. Surely enough, they come in from outside and begin slaughtering adults. 

“What?! How did the children find out about this place?!” One adult questions. Toko immediately points her finger at you. “I-It’s gotta be them! They must’ve led them here!” 

“What? Me?” Komaru glares at Toko. “No, it couldn’t have been them. They were with us all along, remember?”

“Th-That’s right! It’s not their fault! I just know it!” You turn to him in surprise.

“S-Seriously?” Toko groans. 

“I don’t know why everyone keeps doubting them, but just because they act a little childish and have their own style of dressing doesn't mean that they’re bad!”

You smile at him. “Thanks, Shiro-chan!” Maybe you’re useful after all...

He then begs you to save the others, so you run outside, and Komaru and Genocide Jack work together against the beasts. Unfortunately, you didn’t arrive before many of them were already slain. Haiji enters soon after.

“This is all your fault. You led those monsters here when you went on your stupid mission! I bet it was you! You must have a direct line to those brats, huh?! What did you do?! Answer me!”

He suddenly turns and shouts at you, and your vision becomes blurry with tears. Komaru quickly takes you into her arms to comfort you while Toko, Haiji and Shirokuma continue arguing. 

“You know, I’ll go further and say you guys are spies for the kids!” Haiji shouts, and Toko turns to you. “I-I’m sure one of us is!”

“Everyone, cut it out! You’re making (Name) upset!”

After that, the adults apprehend the three of you and place you in three separate rooms. Toko sighs in frustration. “D-Dammit! They take away my stun gun, then they stuff me in this dusty room... It’s all her fault! And theirs, too!”

She considers this and looks away. “Well... It’s not like I want them dead or anything... B-But that (Name) has to be a spy! They clearly hate Haiji’s guts, and I swear that stupid rabbit of theirs is alive! But it can’t be... Jeez, what is their deal? But... They also mentioned bullying... What does that mean?”

Meanwhile, Komaru blames herself for the incident, and Toko and Haiji’s words are echoing through her brain. Where’s (Name)? They’d know how to help... They’re the only one I can trust... The only one I want...

In your room, you simply sit and reflect on everything, clutching your bunny plush close to your chest. Then, a young girl’s voice is heard from outside the door.

“Hellooo! My name is Kotoko Utsugi. I’m the Fighter for the Warriors of Hope! Eeeee, you’re so adorbs! I’ve just gotta bring you with me!

Everything goes black, and soon after, she pays a visit to Komaru. Meanwhile, Toko switches to Genocide Jack, and uses her scissors to hack through the door with no problem. Soon after, she rushes out and goes to your door.

“Yooooo, pretty one! It’s time to go see Master! If you don’t get your cute butt out here, I’m gonna pin your pretty little hands up to the wall! It’s been sooo hard to resist...”

She soon realizes you aren’t there, and neither is Komaru. Three Monokuma kids appear behind her, and show her a tracking device linked to you and Komaru’s wristbands. Soon after, she proceeds to give chase. Meanwhile, Komaru finds herself strapped to an unknown contraption, with Kotoko right in front of her and your unconscious body on the floor beside her.

“Now then, let’s begin with the ‘Motivation’!”

“Wh-What the...? What is this?! What happened to (Name)?!”

“Oh, they’re not hurt or anything! They’re way too adorbs for that! They’re just taking a little nap, that’s all. Now, let’s begin! No more stalling!”

She activates the switch, and hands begin grasping at Komaru from multiple places. She manages to repel them, but more continue to come. Genocide Jack finally finds the three of you on the monorail, and engages in a short spat with Kotoko before managing to defeat her. She then frees Komaru, and you wake up shortly after.

“Ngh...”

“(Name)!” Komaru rushes over and engulfs you in a hug. “I was so worried!”

You chuckle and pat her head reassuringly. “It’s okay, Maru-chan. She didn’t hurt me or anything. I’m glad you’re safe, too.”

“My, my, I was wondering when you’d wake up. For a second, I was sure you were dead. And I was real pissed, ‘cause that was supposed to be my job, y’know? But anyways, good to see your adorable face again, pretty one...”

She tilts your chin up to face her, and she winks at you before switching back to Toko. Soon after, the two of them leave, and Kotoko turns to you with a smile.

“Wow, you’re a great actor! Maybe even better than me! You sure had me going for a second!”

[seleneastra]

i'm using my liked songs because i dont have an on repeat playlist (or any in fact, im too lazy to make playlists) so this is going to be interesting because my music taste is so bipolar

January - Ya'aburnee by halsey (aww thats so cute)

February - Tir na nog by celtic women (pretty sure this is a folk song so idk what that means but at least its happy?....kinda?....)

March - wildwood by reese lansangan (spotify loves me, i have a roof over my head, what else could i ask for?)

April - For the first time in forever from Frozen: The Musical (told you it was bipolar but does this mean i fall in love with a good person or a fake person?)

May - wolves by 1d (aww ok)

June - 與愛無關 (Nothing to do with love - theme song from love you seven times) by lala hsu (yay i love this song its so comfy but now im guessing that in jan, ill fall in love with someone, and in june im heartbroken but kinda moving on because theyre a jerk (for the first time in forever) and we have a tragic ending (tir na nog) but idk how wolves fits but maybe theyre overprotective...?...)

July - we are never ever ever getting back together (taylor's version) by taylor swift (finally a ts song!! this fits with the story so by july i think i've fully moved on)

August - please dont go home yet by stephen sanchez (wait so maybe im not fully over him yet? or do they make a comeback? seriously, if this guy is a jerk, why am i pining over him? biggest mood swing)

September - ten duel commandments from hamilton (wait what? now im just confused. do i fight a duel? with who? the ex?)

October - easy on me by adele (im sorry what?! didnt i already move on? ok im guessing by august he makes a comeback and im not fully over him despite me being strong in july and angst and then september might be us fighting and october is heartbroken again and more angst)

November - hard to sleep by gracie abrams (oh god not another sad song, but im guessing im rly going through something and maybe they also did some damage and gave me trust issues or nightmares or- omg i know! theyre probably abusive which would make the mood swings make sense because we fall in love and i ignore the red flags and while in june and july im strong, after that i break again and go back to him and it ends badly again in october and november im dealing with the aftermath - basically 2024 is me chanelling my inner Lily Blossom Bloom. please tell me i get an atlas too!)

December - outside by bea miller (he gave me low self esteem and depression i think)

Tagging: @icanmakewords @illictxaffairs @the-lonelybarricade @witchothewest @sunshinebingo @pearlzofpleasure @lavenderheyys @wildesqdreams @fantasylandloser @spotifysoulmate @stateofgrace4 @anyoneelsewhowantstodothis

i wanna start a tag game so: let your spotify predict your 2024!

shuffle your on repeat playlist, and the first twelve songs represent your 2024

january- guns and ships- hamilton (idek what this could represent but okay)

february- we fell in love in october- girl in red (PLEASE)

march- say no to this- hamilton (…i have nothing to say about this)

april- castles crumbling- taylor swift ft hayley williams (damnit sad month then?)

may- you’re losing me- taylor swift (FUCK TWO SAD MONTHS?? breakup songs are even worse now that im actually in a relationship. please. better not be accurate)

june- astronomy- conan gray (please stop why am i having so many sad songs)

july- stoned- ed sheeran (oh fuck this)

august- new year’s day- taylor swift (hm okay. idk what to say about this)

september- heather- conan gray (i consider heather to be a happy song AND it’s mine and my partners song so i’m taking this as a good one)

october- 18- one direction (yessss we’re going okay now)

november- king of my heart- taylor swift (YESSS)

december- all too well (ten minute version)- taylor swift (i take it back ugh)

no pressure tags!!- @autumnleavesforwinter @weeping-in-the-willows @swiftieannah @felizusnavidad @jittyjames @anixknowsnothin (please help me get this off the ground, but also if this flops you saw nothing)

[nad-zeta]

Mitsuhide Akechi- Nightmares

Hi, loves I hope everyone is doing well! (˶◕‿◕˶✿) Sorry I’ve been so slow with my matchups I am going to slowly start doing them this week in between writing me dissertation which was approved so yay (◕‿◕✿) that’s one less stress in life! So I dedicate this piece o trash fic to @choi-jiyu, and @i-sleep-like-napoleon, @nuttytani love ya gals, and I know yall love sneki boi just as much as I do! 

Fandom: Ikemen Sengoku 

Pairings: Mitsuhide x reader 

Genre: Fluff- with a touch o angst 

Warnings: Depression, nightmares, and anxiety 

Words: 2010

Comments: So I have been going through a tough time lately and need some sneki boi comfort (◕‿◕✿) soo I decided to write this self-indulgent fanfic, but I also know a few friends of mine is also going through a rough patch, and I didn’t know what to do to help, so I decided that his might brighten their days, even if it sucks! Love ya! 

It was a bright and sunny day. Rays of warm, lush sunshine streamed through your window, into your room. It was well past noon, and you were still nestled up in your warm bed. Despite the cheerfully chirping outside, you felt cold and numb. You had, had another one of your nightmares last night, leaving you an anxious mess. You wished you could stay in the comforts and safety of your bed all day, just hiding beneath the fluffy cover, but alas duty calls. You had no motivation or strength to get out of the safe haven of your bed. In fact, thanks to your nightly nightmares, you were now left exhausted and jittery. You laid back, head sinking deep into your pillow, staring up at the ceiling for a few more moments, letting your mind wander and play in the darkness. Soon it wandered a little too deep into the forest of memories, and fear and terror slowly started creeping in. They filled your head with lies, lies speaking of not being good enough, strong enough, pretty enough, they would whisper in your ears that no one would ever love you. It insisted that you were destined to live your life in fear and isolation, shackled in the chains of your own sorrow and trapped in the cell of your own mind forever. It was days like these when your fear manifested into the warden of your mind, taunting you in your cell. You felt like shards of shattered glass spread across the floor, beautiful and shimmering to all those looking from afar, yet soon to realize that you were actually a broken mess shattered beyond repair. 

The loud sounds of the birds chirping away outside your window sill brought you back. Your fingers gently ghosted your cheek to wipe away the tear that managed to escape.

You could hear the castle start to come alive with the buzz of the day. The maids began doing their rounds, to clean the castle rooms and hallways. You could hear the clinging of pots and pans in the distance, as Masamune made breakfast for the troublesome Mitsu’s.

At the thought of food, your stomach gave a loud growl. You sat up and rested your head on your knees, for a few moments, you really didn’t want to face the world today. The voices still ringing in your ears, coaxing you to lay back down and sleep away the numb pain, but you knew their tricks. Sleep never helped, for with sleep came the nightmares, always the same and ever leaving you to awaken in a state of terror. 

You got up and dressed, readying yourself for the day ahead of you, yet you just couldn’t shake this strange mood you were in. You dragged your feet through the castle halls leading you up to Nobunaga’s room, to get your list of duties for the day. You passed smiling faces, and chatty maids and the sense of irritation grew with each happy face you saw, it made you spiral further and further into the void of darkness. You reached Nobunaga’s door and gave a gentle knock, hoping, no praying he wouldn’t be in. Alas, he called out for you to enter. 

You entered into the mightly warlord’s room to see, Mitushide and Hideyoshi sitting before him drinking a cup of tea and exchanging light conversation. Today of all days you didn’t want to deal with small talk, cause you knew the second either of the men would ask you, what was wrong, you would breakdown into tears, and you most definitely did not want to do that. You wore your mask and sent the men a strained smile, leaving with your list of chores.

Litlle did you know your strained smile and faltering mask didn’t go unnoticed by the three men. Hideyoshi was the first to break the silence, “She seems down today, I wonder if we shouldn’t perhaps have given her the day off.” Nobunaga looked at his vassal worry for you clear in his ruby eyes, “Mitushide, I entrust you with our fireball, see to it that you chase away the demons that are clearly haunting her mind.” Mitushide gave the two men his snakelike smirk, although the worry and concern for you was evident even with his schooled expression, “Very well, my lord, I will now take my leave.” Nobunaga simply nodded as the kitsune left his room, to go and search for his dearest mouse.

He had spent the day watching you from the shadows, like a guardian angel of sorts. He knew that you weren’t in a particularly social mood, so he made sure to direct any pesky maids or warlords away from where you were working. He could see you spiralling further and further as the day progressed and it broke his heart. He would have approached you sooner, but for the first time in his life, he was afraid, he didn’t have the words to comfort you. He who always had some comeback or witty remark, he who armed himself with words, making his tongue his greatest weapon and strength, now couldn’t find the words.

Your work was finally done for the day, yet you still felt empty, you still felt numb, and you still felt terrified. You made your way to a secluded part of the castle garden and sat down on the fountain’s edge. You looked at your reflection in the water, “Gosh, you are pathetic, I don’t even recognize you.”

You were suddenly started by a smooth calming voice, “Dearest me, whoever are you talking to little mouse, for the only person I can see is, a beautiful princess who has been fighting her own demons alone for far too long.”

You turned away from the silver kitsune balling your hands in a tight fist, trying your best to hold back unshed tear stinging your eyes, “I don’t know what you are taking about Mitsuhide, as you can see I am perfectly fine, so you can go and find someone else to tease.”

Before you even knew what was happening, you were pulled into Mitsuhide’s lap and cradled in his arms. You looked up and the man shining in the moonlight. Blurred golden eyes filled your field of vision. Gentle fingertips soothingly traced up and down your arms in an attempt to calm you down. At this point, there was no stopping the tears, the dam wall had just broke, and hot tears came streaming down your face. You tried to speak once more, to insist that you were fine, that nothing was wrong, but your throat constricted and the words came out like hiccupping sobs.

Mitsuhide brought one of his hands to your cheek, to cradle your face, he carefully wiped away the tears with his thumb. His fingertips danced from your cheeks to make their way into your hair, gently he tightened his warm embrace on you, as he started to pull his fingers through his hair. “Would you like to talk about it little one, perhaps there is something I can do to assist you.”

You searched his golden orbs for traces of his usual tricks and teases but found none; instead, you saw a comforting affection and love for you, fill his molten eyes. As if reading your mind, he set your heart at ease, he spoke in a low soothing, comforting voice “I will not tease you tonight my dear, so please tell me what is the matter.”

You closed your eyes and buried your face in the crook of his neck, taking in his warm, comforting scent. The warm, soothing scent of incense- it smelt like a mix of agarwood, and cedar with hints of cinnamon and gun powder. When you were with him, you felt, calm and safe, your cluttered mind stopped buzzing and gave you a moment of peace, a moment of silence. Finally, you thought. 

You started to tell him of your nightmares, your past, doubts and of your depression and anxiety. You bore your heart to his mysterious moonlit kitsune, who simply sat and continued to stroke your hair while he listened to you speak.

His heart broke for you, he didn’t know what he could do to help, so he just sat there in silence and listened. He would occasionally tighten his warm embrace or give a small nod, as you continued to hiccup your way through your story. He knew all too well of the treacherous demons that would plague the mind with doubts and insecurities. All he could think to do by the end of your tale was to nuzzle your cheek and whisper words of reassurance in your ears. “You have put up a gallant fight my love, but you shall fight alone no more.”

He brushed away the last of your tears with his sleeves and kissed your forehead, nose and then…. Lips. Your eyes widened slightly in surprise, and finally, a real genuine smile graced your lips. Mitsuhide continued to whisper the sweetest of words in your ears, words filled with love and adoration, the words that were only meant for his one and only soulmate, words that were meant for you and you alone. 

Between the soft tracing of his fingers lovingly playing their way through your beautiful strands, the safe warmth radiating from Mitsuhide’s body as he embraced you, and the soft constant hammering of his heartbeat, you found yourself being lulled into a peaceful sleep. Mitushide looked down at your tear-stained face and made a silent vow to always be by your side, to love and protect you. His fingers moved from twirling your hair between his fingertips, to now lightly stroke your cheeks. With one final kiss of the nose, he gently stood up and tenderly cradled you in his arms. He moved swiftly through the hallways to take you back to your room. 

He carefully laid you down and tucked you in. He stayed for a few moments to watch over you and just before he turned to leave, he saw your delicate features contour in pain. You let out a few soft cries, you were having your nightmare again, tears started flowing down your face anew, but it wasn’t until one single word slipped from your lips that Mitsu was probed into action, “Mitsuhide.”

He was by your side in a split second, climbing in beneath the covers, pulling you closer to his broad chest and enveloping you in his warmth. “Hush now my love, I’m right here.”

As if sensing his presence, you turned around in his arms and nestled closer to him, hands sneaking their way into his kimono to pull him closer to you. You clung to him like your lifeline. He kissed your forehead and snaked his arms around you, to bring you to lay flush against him. He moved his hands to draw tiny circles on your back, “I’m right here, little mouse, there is no need to be afraid, I will slay all those who mean you harm.”

Your breaths started to even out, and the soft whispers of his voice seemed to chase away the very nightmare that had haunted you all throughout childhood into your adult life. You finally let out a content sigh and your facial features softened once more, a small smile coming to rest itself on your lips.

Mitsuhide watched over you for a while longer, nuzzling his nose into your hair and dropping small kiss. He closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep, joining you in the land of dreams

Never again will your nightmares haunt you, never again will you be alone, for every night without fail Mitsuhide will pull you into his arms and chase away all your fears. He will watch over you like a guardian angel, swooping down from the heavens to pull you out of the dark void and back into the light. He will be by your side, every day and night to aid you in slaying the demons of your mind. He will go to the ends of the earth to fill your life and heart with unimaginable amounts of love and happiness 

Hope ya guys enjoyed! (◕ᴗ◕✿)

[gazeopard]

My Thoughts on Chapter 193

SPOILAHZ. Link: https://read-beastars.com/manga/beastars-chapter-193/ WHELP. I don’t know if I should be happy or terrified about that smile. That happy, squinty kitty smile... XD This is giving me some real-life serial killer vibes right now. Like, holy schtick. Melon keeps proving me wrong again and again. I thought he was gonna die, we ALL thought he was going to die with Yafya, but nope. XD Just... nope. I’m kind of curious about the fan-mail, as it’s giving me some Charles Manson and Ted Bundy vibes. Is it from Holger (pfft, imagining the sloth writing all those letters to Melon so Melon could pretend he has friends is depressing as fuck XD)? The people at the tattoo parlour he frequented? The guys working behind the Bloodbone drug? Members of the Ivory Tusk Trade? A new character (or characters)? The carnivores that hate Yafya? That last look on his face makes me think he’s getting some trick up his sleeve and he’s not done just yet. That something is going to go down in the future. I swear, if Melon evolves into an Overarching Villain, I will freak out. XD That would be freaking AWESOME, but that’s most likely just wishful thinking due to the anticlimactic ending this arc has gotten. The conclusion to the Revenge of the Love-Failure arc is very.... anticlimactic and rushed. The BAM is demolished, which I have mixed feelings about, as Louis stated a few chapters ago that “carnivores need meat”. When Louis said that it was necessary for carnivores to eat meat, I don’t think he meant destroying the BAM. I always thought that the Back-Alley Market was going to stay and the carnivores and herbivores were going to have to live with it, while fish meat and seafood were going to be included in the market as remedies or alternatives for carnivores that had cravings for herbivore flesh. But, I guess they're all just going to eat fish meat now? Yay? How did that not occur to them before? This sudden resolution feels like a Deus Ex Machina, and the sudden pacing of Chapters 192 and 193 make me wonder if Paru's editors or publishers are forcing her to rush it to move on. It's disappointing, because I was really invested in Melon's story, despite the arc's flaws. I was on board for most of the way and was very excited to see what happened after the end of Chapter 191, until Chapter 192 happened. The Revenge of the Love-Failure arc was all over the place, to say the least. It started off great, with Melon’s introduction and his clashes with Legoshi and his interactions with Haru, but after the game-quiz thing, it started getting crazy and a lot of things were left unresolved, like in my previous post. Legoshi’s fight with Melon was kind of anticlimactic and all over the place, and this ending has left plot-threads revolving around Melon hanging and unresolved. What was the point of introducing Melon’s father if they’re not going to meet at all? The guy might as well have just stayed dead if that was the case. And what happened to Melon’s ‘promise’ with Haru? It makes all their previous scenes together pointless. Unless Melon somehow breaks out of prison or his father decides to drop by and visit him, I can't see either happening. With Haru being the only animal that gave him the urge to eat for the first time in his life, I thought his promise with her was going to conclude with him kidnapping her and recovering his sense of taste after his fight with Legoshi. Even if Haru had changed her mind, it wouldn't have hurt to have had a brief scene where she'd tell him she changed her mind, only for Melon to try to kill her anyway. Kyuu’s betrayal also comes across as filler as well. Even if she did tell him Legoshi was using dentures, what was the point of that if Legoshi grew his teeth back anyway before Melon could use it to his advantage? The whole thing with Legoshi starving himself in preparation for the final fight didn’t really change anything, either. I remember people speculated that he was going to lose control and try to eat Melon and go feral, but nothing ever really came from it. From the way Ch. 191 ended, it looked like Gosha was going to get shot and I feel like having somebody (be it Yafya or Gosha) get wounded or die in that moment would've been very powerful, realistic, and would've risen the stakes higher. I thought Ch. 192 would open up to Legoshi and Yafya rushing to Gosha's side and Gosha was going to say some heartfelt words to both of them and die, Melon was going to see his killing of Legoshi's grandfather as an opportunity to goad Legoshi into killing him by harming more of his friends, like Louis or Haru. I thought he was going to escape with Louis, Louis was going to discover a kidnapped Haru, where we'd get a flashback chapter as to how and when Melon caught her, Louis was going to buy Melon some time until Legoshi got to them, Legoshi was going to turn up and, with Louis, fight Melon one last time. For something so unexpected and big like the death of Gosha to happen, it would've made Legoshi and Melon's animosities toward each other more personal, and it would've shown us that nobody is safe and anybody could die at any time much like in real-life. But for everybody to just survive at the end, and for everything to be just magically resolved like this, it all feels like a cop-out. And another thing... I wish Melon had had a bigger goal, or at least a warped vision of the society he wanted to achieve. I remember there was a theory on Reddit about Melon inspiring the carnivores of the Back-Alley Market to rise up in a civil-war against the city that was forcing them to hide away what they were, similar to what he did in the Turf-War scene (the one where he cut Dolph), and I was hoping something along the lines of that was going to happen. I suspected Melon was plotting something bigger and crazier than Yafya and the others were prepared for, and it was going to get crazier and crazier, forcing Legoshi and Louis to put a stop to it and their cooperation and efforts would earn them the titles of “Beastars”. That would've been an epic climax, but alas. If this is the end of the Love-Failure arc, I kinda hope this isn’t the end of Melon. I know some people are getting sick of him, but I kinda hope he’ll make a better-written comeback since his introductory arc was rather weak. But that’s probably just wishful thinking from me, as it does feel like the manga is reaching its conclusion. On a less depressing note, I think I’ll end this with.... a happy Melon. The Fruit-Boi may be behind bars, but the Fruit-Boi is behind bars with no fucks to give.

[juuls]

Pinned: Writing Updates

Hiya folks! ^_^ With this new pinned post feature, I figured it would be a good spot to put updates on how my writing is going (or not). As most of you know, mental and physical illness and recovery keep me from writing either quickly or easily, and I know that bothers or puts off some of you. Believe me, I feel guilty a lot of the time I’m not writing, but I know that nobody wants me to feel like this is a job, that I should enjoy what I do, and I try my best to just relax and let the writing come to me. It has always been a grueling task for me, and my words fight me, but I choose to see this as a labour of love. Thank you, everyone, for your support (and for holding up my fragile, rebuilding, self-confidence/ego :P). Managing chronic pain and illnesses along with fairly rapid-cycling Bipolar II makes things a bit messy, but I keep pushing because writing (and you amazing readers) means so much to me. 💜

UPDATE September 4th: see below “Read More”

Previous update, August 21st: Still only about 2400 words into chapter 28 of Cross, and I deleted Hurricane due to reasons but will be working on it bit by bit to instead post it as a single-chapter fic later on when people aren’t so busy anymore. Means I can focus on Cross though, which is all people want from me anyway. S’all good! Looking forward to moving that story along anyway.

Still have @grlie-girl’s Mansom fic, which is an MTH-adjacent fic. But then that’s it! Then I’ll start back up on Deliverance, my Stuckony kidfic, and keep moving Cross along. :) I’ve also been doing quite a lot of brainstorming for my original fiction series, which will be a combo SciFi-Fantasy series with magic and tech both, along with an eventual triad relationship! I’m really excited for it, even if it takes me decades more to write. xD

Works in Progress:

Hanging From a Cross of Iron: Fem!Tony Stuckony, time travel and soulmate AU. Just posted chapter 27 on July 19th! Yay! I’m about 2400 words into chapter 28 and I’m forging ahead as mental and physical health allows. But I think... maybe before the end of August? Thank you, everyone, for your kindness and patience!

Stony MTH fic for @ishipallthings: Fem!Tony Stony, Pacific Rim AU. Natasha Stark/Steve Rogers (Earth-3490) Get Together fic. @sparkly-angell is awesome and helping me by being a soundboard and beta. 5-15k. Will post it all together at a later date instead of chapter by chapter.

Deliverance: Stuckony kid fic, post-Avengers but in the alternate timeline that occurs after Avengers: Endgame. Have not forgotten about this, but it dropped in priority once I sorta over-committed myself to MTH, whoops. I’ll be back to this, though. :)

Gift fic for @grlie-girl, Mansom: (Marta/Ransom) from Knives Out. Dirty, filthy, femme!Domme Sugar Mama post-canon oneshot. I may need a second account to post this pile of filthy hot lava. ;)

Recently Finished Works:

Thread Work: Stuckony wingfic featuring Tony’s sister Darcy, written for MTH.

Ten Days: PepperStuckony bodyguard AU written for MTH for @tehroserose and @astudyinsolitude-writes.

Bad: a ShockStuckony get-together, meddling matchmaker Darcy fic, written for MTH.

I will try to keep this up to date but sometimes I’ll forget. Check back occasionally to see if I’m any closer to updating! I love all of my readers and commenters, and am so blessed to have you choose to read my work. Thank you so much. So so much. I’m sorry for the wait, but I’m a comeback kid, I promise. Sending love, and be safe and healthy and good to those around you.

Love, <3 Juulna

UPDATE September 4th: I’m going to put up a separate post, probably, but what’s going on is this... I obviously have Bipolar II and have learned to ride the ups and downs pretty well in recent years, even if some things still surprise me on occasion. But what I’ve never been able to properly treat or learn to deal with is anxiety. I’ve always had GAD (general anxiety) but it’s been untreated since I had so much other shitty health to focus on. Prioritization, right? And I needed all my faculties to not end up dead at the hands or by the gun of my ex. Then, after I left, I was making strides in recovering from the severe abuse and trauma at my ex-husband’s hands, sharp tongue, and actions from July 2017 until... well, it’s still an ongoing process, but this whole year, part of 2019 too, has been a lot better on the healing front. The strides I was making helped me focus on things other than my anxiety, but after dealing with those things, the anxiety started crawling insistently in.

Didn’t help that I finally felt up to checking out what was going on in the world more often. And it’s been good for me, it has... in that I’ve become better educated in the awfulness of the world, which has allowed me to call out racists, ‘Truthers’, and other asshole bigots who remind me of my ex. The downside of all that is that I am way over-empathetic and am appalled at the absolute.... *makes incoherent helpless noises*... just, appalled at EVERYTHING. And I am afraid. And worried. And angry. And a slew of other words that I’m sure every one of you get. You’re all intelligent; you know what’s going on in the world.

And sometimes I devolve into apathy, sometimes sleepless nights (I get about 16-20 hours of sleep a WEEK right now, which should be in the 40-60 hour range, frankly), increased pain on top of the fuckton I’m already in, worsening migraines, dizziness, and the intrusive thoughts of my bipolar depression keep telling me there’s an easy way out of this all. That’s when I knew I needed to do something. So sitting down with my loving father and my caring psychotherapist, I put together a list of my symptoms, what I wanted to tackle most, what I was willing to let go, how all of it interacted (cocktail medications, which I’m already on, can be dangerous and deadly), and then put together a proposal for my doctor, who’s been my family practitioner for two decades.

When you hit the point of panic attacks weekly, and not being able to sleep, even with a double dose of your sleep medication... when you don’t want to watch the things that bring you some modicum of joy for fear of aspects reminding you about the real world... when you wish you simply didn’t exist anymore... you need help. I needed help, and I won’t shy away from discussing that in a public setting, for the simple fact that someone who reads this might need to hear that it’s not the end all be all, not the end of the line, not the end of your life. So with the support of my father and my therapist, who I spoke to last night and this morning, respectively, in advance of my doctor’s appoint this afternoon... My doctor listened attentively to me and gave me permission to go on benzodiazepines again. I will be taking one daily, the one that doesn’t have nearly as great a spike of effect, but lasts longer and steadier, and will also be taking the other, spikier one, as the equivalent of a rescue inhaler for the next panic attack.

I’m not trying to hide from what’s going on in the world. But there is a line I need to learn to respect in how much news I look for, how I consume it, and how I let myself run away with myself at any injustice I see. And fuck, there is a lot. I will still be keeping abreast of the news, still educating myself, still engaging in discussions with people I trust to be kind to my mental state as best they can in the situation, and other things. This will simply make it so I don’t devolve into an incoherent mess of a breakdown/panic attack, and most importantly it will keep me from suicide. It’s never been much of a threat for me, but lately...? Let’s just say I am a bit more concerned than usual.

Gotta love brains, eh? Mental illness sucks. But this is one way I can take control. Other ways include the Nutrisystem diet I recently started, going for regular walks with my pupper and dad, reading 42 Sci-Fi/Fantasy books and counting in 2020, breathing exercises, removing harmful elements from my life even if that pains me in the moment... I’m making progress in other areas.

But what does this mean for my writing? Well. Good question. The last few times I took the stronger of these two medications (on a more daily, vs rescue, basis), well, I didn’t write hardly at all. I have hopes for being able to write during this, with the more steady medication, but I also have to feel happy to write, and the state of the world isn’t going to give me much opportunity to feel that for months yet, if not years (go and goddamn vote)... so yeah. But I realized that I don’t put myself first in big ways like this. And this time I need to. If the writing happens, that’s wonderful. If it doesn’t? Well, I’ll settle for less anxiety and not being dead, and I hope that that’s okay with y’all. I know it’s frustrating when a favourite author takes ages to update, and I’ve always been fairly guilty of that... but you all know that I ALWAYS come back. That’s what I do. I love this community, this fandom, my beta, my readers... you make it all worth coming back to.

So please, all I ask is that you be patient with me. I’m experiencing a pretty severe mental health crisis and not holding on too solidly. But I’m thinking of you. Thinking of all of you, and just how much I appreciate you.

With love,

Juulna / Meg

[weathernerdmando]

sometimes I feel like people only put up with me because I come off like this innocent 11-year-old and they don't want to hurt me when I’d rather they just tell me I’m annoying so I don't continue to annoy them

im almost 18 but people dont see it. people treat me like a kid and I dont know why.

and i dont know if it’s because im just really really bad at body language that i dont notice or if its because the person who told me i was reading someone wrong was wrong themselves and sometimes i really wish i didnt have friends because at least i couldnt hurt someone that way or annoy them

[while-my-tardis-gently-weeps]

Eurovision 2016 vs 2017

.So I’ve been re-watching Eurovision from past years to get me over my PED (Post-Eurovision Depression), and I thought I’d do a comparison of this year’s songs against ones from last year, inspired by Eurosong’s post here.

Here goes:

Albania: Fairytale vs World - To be frank, I’m rather ambivalent on both songs, but I went with “World” because of Lindita’s incredible voice.

Armenia: LoveWave vs Fly with Me - Armenia always does well, and it’s not hard to see why, looking at these two songs. Neither are really my cup of tea, but I connected a bit more with “LoveWave.”

Australia: Sound of Silence vs Don’t Come Easy - Isaiah did his best, but not many can compete against the vocal tour de force that is Dami Im, and Isaiah certainly isn’t one of them.

Austria: Loin d’ici vs Running on Air - Even though both songs are quite average, the decision between the two songs are actually quite easy for me because I was completely won over by Nathan Trent’s charm, charisma, and sheer enthusiasm. And that music video, now that’s just cheating. Scenery porn at its best. 

Azerbaijan: Miracle vs Skeletons - DiHaj wins this hands down. It’s contemporary, edgy, catchy, and modern (albeit slightly marred by mystifying elements in the staging; still don’t know what the horse head is all about). Miracle, on the other hand, is, I’m sorry to say, just boring. 

Belarus: Help you fly vs Historyja majgo zyccia - This one is another no-contest: Naviband of course, undoubtedly. Not only was it sung in Belarusian, it’s also a little piece of absolute joy condensed into around 3 minutes of music. As for Ivan’s “Help you fly,” there’s something wrong with the whole production if the only memorable thing about it is the outlandish gimmick. 

Belgium: What’s the pressure vs City Lights - Perhaps against common sense, I’m going to call this a draw. I appreciated City Lights for being a contemporary song with a distinct sound, one that is completely unlike the usual Eurovision fare, but I also thought it was vastly overrated. My regard for “City Lights” only decreased further after I saw live performances of it because there’s not much stage presence and charisma to speak of coming from this one, really. On the other hand, “What’s the Pressure” might be beyond dated, but Laura’s confident, lively performance definitely made it a lot more enjoyable to sit through than, if I dare say, this year’s “City Lights.” Now, if Eurovision were a radio show, the result might be quite different but as it is, I’m for “City Lights” in terms of the song alone and “What’s the Pressure” in terms of the whole package. 

Bulgaria: If love was a crime vs Beautiful Mess - Another hard one, but this one because both songs are so good and well-deserving of their high placings. I like both, really, but I love “If love was a crime.”

Croatia: Lighthouse vs My Friend - “Lighthouse,” definitely. Mad respects to Jacques for pulling off those Jekyllesque vocals,  but “Lighthouse” is definitely the better song, both objectively and subjectively speaking. 

Cyprus: Alter Ego vs Gravity - The latter, but only barely. Possibly because “Gravity” is more recent and I remember it slightly better as a result. 

Czechia: I Stand vs My Turn - Both are quite dull, but I found Gabriela to be the better singer.

Denmark: Soldiers of Love vs Where I Am - Do I have to chose between 90s boyband raised from the dead and every single X Factor winner song ever? Okay, Anja’s the better singer so I guess it goes to her. 

Estonia: Play vs Verona - The former for sure. It’s not increasingly grating upon each repeated listen, for one. 

Finland: Sing it away vs Blackbird - I still have extremely strong feelings about Norma John’s non-qualification. Gorgeous song, excellent vocals, dark, atmospheric staging, they’ve done everything right. I just don’t get it. Last year’s NQ, on the other hand, was only to be expected. 

France: J’ai cherché vs Requiem - The French delegation definitely knows what it’s doing, choosing two stellar Nazim Khaled songs in as many years. Both are great songs, but personally I’m a lot more partial to Alma’s “Requiem.” Especially the lyrics: “Des amours meurent, des amours naissent/Les siècles passent et disparaissent/Ce que tu crois être la mort/C’est une saison et rien de plus (Love dies, love is born/Centuries pass and disappear/What you believe to be death/Is nothing but a season).” Just exquisite. 

Georgia: Midnight Gold vs Keep the Faith - I hate myself slightly for choosing “Midnight Gold” really, because that was 3 minutes of my life that I can’t get back. Unfortunately, not much more can be said for “Keep the Faith,” despite my respect for Tamara’s vocal prowess, and at least the former sounds a little different...? 

Germany: Ghost vs Perfect Life - At least nothing about Levina and “Perfect Life” is absolutely offensive to me, which is a lot more than I can say for the former, starting with the bargain sale Kyary Pamyu Pamyu imitation fashion. If anything, parts of “Perfect Life”’s lyrics actually quite tickle my fancies. 

Greece: Utopian Land vs This is Love - I don’t like either, but Utopian Land gets some brownie points for being different. And those high notes in the live version of “This is Love” is just tragic. 

Hungary: Pioneer vs Origo - I love both songs, but went for “Origo” because of the use of Hungarian, the unique sound, and the emotional delivery. I still wish he did away with the rap section though.

Iceland: Here them calling vs Paper - Both lovely songs that I wished I could have seen in the finals. I connected with the latter song more though.

Ireland: Sunlight vs Dying to Try - Nothing to remember whatsoever vs. average song that is nonetheless memorable because of Brendan Murray’s unique voice (though not necessarily favorably so). But hell, Brendan nailed those notes during his performance in the Semi so kudos to him I guess. 

Israel: Made of Stars vs I Feel Alive - “Made of Stars” by a country mile. Hovi Star’s soulful performance was mesmerizing, whereas I still think Imri got through largely because of the running order. 

Italy: No degree of separation vs Occidentali’s Karma - Italy is my favorite Big 5 nation, and one of my favorite countries overall in Eurovision. They’ve always sent outstanding entries since their comeback, and the past two years were no different. I have great love for both songs and both singers, but that said, this one is actually one of the easiest decision to make out of this whole list. In fact, “Occidentali’s Karma” is my favorite out of all the songs from both years. The combination of catchy pop tune and deep, philosophical lyrics offering commentary and satire on Western materialistic lifestyle and cultural appropriation puts it leagues above most of the songs in this set. 

Latvia: Heartbeat vs Line - “Line” doesn’t stand a chance against the great Aminata, especially when you add Justs’ passionate performance to it (he’s no Aminata either, but he’s still pretty good). 

Lithuania: I’ve been waiting for this night vs Rain of Revolution - What happened to you, Lithuania? How did you go from the glorious Donny to...I don’t even know how to describe this? If I wanted to see Pikku Myy in Eurovision I would have gone for Elina Salo, thank you very much. 

Macedonia: Dona vs Dance Alone - I guess, because Kaliopi is a much better singer.

Malta: Walk on water vs Breathlessly - Because I actually remember how the song from last year goes. 

Moldova: Falling Stars vs Hey, Mamma! - Sunstroke Project wins this hands down. It’s a simple song, but what a enjoyable one, and what a performance! Congrats to them for giving Moldova its best placing in the finals.

Montenegro: The Real Thing vs Space - Surprise, surprise. What can I say though? The guy at least has guts for donning helicopter braids. 

Netherlands: Slow down vs Lights and Shadows - Objectively speaking, I actually think “Slow down” is probably the better song of the two, but I despise country music and always had a soft spot for well-done vocals (being a huge choir geek myself), which the latter has in spades with their stunning harmonies. 

Norway: Icebreaker vs Grab the Moment - I love both songs, and I’ve always been partial to the Norwegian entries ever since I was introduced to Eurovision with Alexander Rybak’s “Fairytale.” I’m quite close to calling this another draw, really, but I’m in a more “Grab the Moment” mood today.

Poland: Color of your life vs Flashlight - Both are average songs (though the former’s lyrics are a lot less dire), but Michal sells it a lot better with his emotional performance and gothic-chic style. I still quite like Kasia’s voice, though. 

Romania: Moment of Silence vs Yodel It! - I’ve only listened to the studio version of the former, but I think “Yodel It!” wins this round. Listening to it always make me happy, and you’ve got to give them credit for making the unholy combination of yodelling and rapping work, and work well on top of that. 

Russia: You are the only one vs Flame Is Burning - I’ve got to admit, I was kind of pleased that I didn’t have to sit through “Flame Is Burning” with the travel ban and everything. Now, let’s hope Russia wasn’t serious when they said they are sending it to Portugal next year... On the other hand, while “You are the only one” is very dated as a song in and out itself, Sergey and the Russian production team definitely performed the hell out of it.

San Marino: I didn’t know vs Spirit of the Night - Because “I didn’t know” is slightly more tolerable. 

Serbia: Shelter vs In Too Deep - Another easy pick. “Shelter” is both local and contemporary, and carries a message that packs an emotional punch and connects with you on a humanitarian level. 

Slovenia: Blue and red vs On My Way - Because “Blue and red,” while average, is at least not annoying.

Spain: Say yay! vs Do It for Your Lover - Surely this one requires no commentary or explanation? Just give each song a listen.

Sweden: If I were sorry vs I Can’t Go On - Time to be honest: I hated both songs upon first listen. The thing is though, “If I were sorry” actually grew on me little by little, to the point that now I’m only ambivalent about it, whereas “I Can’t Go On” simply got worse with each repeat. 

Switzerland: Last of our kind vs Apollo - Timebelle wins this hands down, even after they traded the gorgeous red dress and classy staging of the national finals with that bizarre Belle meets Big Bird meets Hercules eyesore. Now, I actually do think I would have liked “Last of our kind” a lot were it sang by a more competent singer, but Rykka’s vocals were grating at best. And the less said about those weird movements she made on stage, the better.

Ukraine: 1944 vs Time - Heartfelt ballad that touches you to the core vs clear sign Ukraine doesn’t want us back next year, to borrow Graham Norton’s words? No contest here. 

United Kingdom: You’re not alone vs Never Give Up on You - If you asked me this question before rehearsals started, I would have said “You’re not alone,” hands down. But Lucie Jones (and the BBC production team) made “Never Give Up on You” shine, to the point where you (almost) forget it’s nothing more than a paint-by-numbers ballad that’s been done to death already. 

The Tally:

Class of 2016 - 21 vs. Class of 2017 - 20 (1 draw not included)