#i also spent ALL DAY yesterday and today applying for new jobs so there that too

[hard--headed--woman]

Hey! After talking about not just a lesbian but a lesbian couple yesterday in my post about Elisa y Marcela, I will do the same thing today ! This time, the two women are american. Their names are

Donna Burkett and Manonia Evans !

"I did not believe the government had any business telling me who I could marry."

This sentence aptly describes the convictions and state of mind of the two women in 1971.

This year, indeed, Donna Burkett and Manonia Evans applied to a Milwaukee County clerk for a marriage license, decades before their state legalized homosexual marriages. At the time, their story made the rounds of the national media and newspapers, attracting the hatred of some and the admiration of others. Such a bold move at a time when homophobia was so rife was bound to get people talking! They were the first same-sex couple to do such thing.

Aged 25 and 21 respectively, the two women had met in a gay bar. After being refused a license, they filed a federal lawsuit claiming that the denial of marital benefits, including inheritance rights and joint tax filings, did not afford them the equal protection granted by the Constitution. The complaint read, “The legal increments of marriage ought to be shared irrespective of generic differences, to wit: mutual fulfillment and happiness and the equal opportunity to share in the benefits of the law as those in heterosexual unions blessed by the civil marriage contract.”

Federal judge Myron Gordon dismissed the suit over "technical legal issues".

Meantime, Donna and Manonia still wanted to get married, so they invited 250 family and friends together on Christmas Day 1971 for a ceremony officiated by Joseph Feldhausen, a gay Russian Orthodox priest, in Milwaukee. Some members of their family, like Manonia's parents, were not present, not accepting this union, but the two women were OK with it, saying that it's part of life when you're gay.

Their wedding also made it to the news.

The results of their newfound fame were not positive ; the young couple’s friends shunned them, Donna lost her job, and Manonia got kicked out of school. Manonia’s father, a preacher, said he’d rather see his daughter dead than homosexual.

Unfortunately, the strain took its toll and eventually, Donna and Manonia split up. Both of them spent the rest of their life fighting for gay rights. Some years ago, Donna, who isn’t married even though she now has the right to, said that she doesn't care anymore, that she's happy with herself, but glad that young homosexuals can marry who they love. The two women haven't seen each other in many, many years.

It sounds like a very sad story indeed; their attempt to obtain the right to marry failed, their coming out caused them a lot of problems, and they ended up separating because of it all.

But this story and the determination of these two young women has encouraged many homosexuals to fight for the right to marry, and has definitely helped this cause achieve its goal.

Although their lawsuit was ultimately unsuccessful, the argument they used – equal protection under the Constitution – was cited by U.S. District Judge Barbara Crabb more than 40 years later, when she overturned Wisconsin’s ban on same-sex marriage in 2014.

I personally love this story and think we should all remember it, as it is important in global lesbian history, and is so interesting and inspiring!

[metalmonki]

Objection!

Rafael Barba x fem!Carisi!reader

1k word count

Summary All you wanted was to be a lawyer like your big brother Sonny. So what happens when you get a job working under the famous ADA Rafael Barba

slow-burn, colleague to friends to lovers

Next Chapter

The day had finally come. I had successfully graduated Harvard Law. My Mum, Dad, brother Sonny and sisters Bella, Teresa and Gina had made the trip out of Staten Island to witness the graduation. The youngest of the Carisi clan, I choose to follow Sonny into the criminal prosecution career track. Sonny had recently transferred to the Elite Manhattan Special Victims Unit and was also studying at Fordham Law ‘to make myself a better detective’ he had said. Sonny and I, despite our 11-year age gap, were completely inseparable. He had been the one who got the rest of our family together to be here today. Sonny is the whole reason I was graduating today. He had encouraged me even after Mum and Dad had voiced their disappointment at my choice.

I had barely made it off the stage when Sonny had scooped me up in his arms and began spinning us around. He had the worlds biggest smile on his face and repeated over and over again how proud he was of me. Our parents and sisters soon joined us.

“I’m going to cook a big feast tonight just for you” Mom smiled.

“You always cook a big feast, that’s every meal for you” Dad scoffed.

“Oh shush you cranky old man” Mum swatted at him with open hands.

We all laughed at the pair and walked off to the cars. We had a long drive ahead of us back to Staten Island. After dinner I would then have to drive back into Manhattan with Sonny. I had come here with Sonny yesterday from his apartment in Manhattan and had no choice but to go back there with him tonight. Now I had graduated I had no clue what I was suppose to do. I had been applying for positions in almost every law firm in New York with no luck. I’d even applied for the DA’s office with no success. I knew Sonny would let me live with him for however long it took for me to find my feet. He had insisted on it in fact when I’d moved back to New York last month. This had been Mum and Dads complaint. I would waste my time on a piece of paper that would lead me nowhere. I’d even put in an extra two years on a masters degree just to increase my chances.

“Hay kiddo is everything okay?” Sonny spoke up “You’ve been silent for the last 45 minutes and you look worried”

“Maybe Mum and Dad were right” Was all I could get out.

“About what? Don’t tell me your doubting yourself now” Sonny smiled over at me.

“I spent the whole month applying for positions with no luck, all I’ve managed is a minimum wage bodega job. I can’t rely on you forever Sonny, you have your own life, the woman at work you said you fancy, while I just wasted six years to get a piece of paper that’s turning out to be useless. I wanted to be up there with the greats like Alexander Cabot and Rafael Barba” I sighed picking at my nails.

“Y/N Carisi always worrying” Sonny chuckled “Give it time you’ll get something soon; you don’t need to rush”

“I’m not trying to rush I just don’t like not knowing” I threw my hands up.

But wait I did. For 9 months I applied for any law jobs that came up. I worked my ass off at the bodega, saving every penny I could to get out of Sonny’s flat. Then one day it happened. I had been busy cooking dinner, a simple chicken alfredo, when Sonny basically smashed his way through the door. I hadn’t expected him home until much later. I knew they were having trouble catching the Central Park Strangler as the papers had dubbed him. A horrid man who would stalk lone women in central park, strangle and rape them. Sonny had said he was escalating an attack every night, he hadn’t killed anyone yet but Sonny was sure he would soon. He had made me promise not to leave the flat alone at night until they got the guy. He had left DNA at every scene so as soon as they got him he was going away for life. No chance of a plea bargain, no way to weasel out of it. Sonny had a huge smile on his face as he walked into the kitchen.

“I’m guessing by the smile on your face you caught your guy? That or you finally grew a pair and asked Amanda out and she said yes” I chuckled.

“Yes, well no, but yes” Sonny stumbled over his words while he hung his coat up and took his shoes off.

“Well which is it?” I laughed.

“We caught the guy, Barba had him shipped to rikers an hour ago” Sonny put his brief case on the bench and dug through it producing a manila envelope. “I also got this for you” he handed the envelope to me. 

I wiped my hands off on my apron and took the envelope. I turned it over in my hands taking note of the District Attorneys office logo in the corner. I disregarded it as just being an envelope Sonny had handy. I turned the envelope over once more and unwound the string keeping it closed. Inside was a stack of paperwork maybe 30 pages thick. Written on top of the first sheet in bold letters were the words OFFER OF EMPLOYMENT. I looked up shocked at Sonny before looking back at the papers. We are pleased to offer you a position as an assistant to ADA Rafael Barba at the New York District  Attorney Office.

“Oh Sonny this is amazing thank you”  I pulled him into a hug.

“It was nothing I just called in a favour when I heard Barba needed some extra help”  Sonny chuckled “All you need to do is fill in the forms and drop them off to Barba tomorrow. He says he’ll in his office from 3 onward”.

“I’ll fill them in first thing but for now lets eat!”.

“Oh you mean the food that’s burning on the stove?” Sonny chuckled.

“Shit!” I spun back to the stove but it was pointless the chicken had already started turning black and the pasta was almost boiled dry.

“I’ll order out and you can trying to salvage my pot and pan” Sonny laughed walking off phone in hand.

[ghostofasecretary]

okay! i'm having, like, a bad time. so i want to celebrate some of the things i've done lately.

i finished my first real knitting project and it's very cute!

i've made myself lots of very tasty food.

i've worked hard on Meds Quest and i think i'm getting somewhere. (also i picked up some of my meds and paid a medical bill.)

i applied to my last grad school and thus all the graduate schools that were on my list of things to apply to.

i cleaned my room pretty thoroughly, and rethought some of my organization tactics so it looks nicer (and will hopefully stay nicer for longer), and i hung up some art.

i repaired the hem of a dress and the straps of my apron.

i taught my roommate how to make Pumpkin's Grief Cookies. (which seemed to need less flour than they did last time? fascinating. maybe it was the different yogurt and/or fancier butter.)

i bought and set up a dish drying rack so my kitchen is no longer a hive of misery and instead, like, looks nice. and also the dishes get dry now.

i bought (and used!) no-rinse soap which has enabled me to do way more handwashing and keep my wardrobe in better repair.

i got a refund on the item that never arrived.

i spent under $25 in groceries for the week and still have at least one more meal i can make with my produce, plus a shitload of baking to do with my bananas. and like. five big oranges left. and this is with probably three days of leftover food in the fridge. (might freeze some of it.)

i taught my classes (even when they were very difficult) and met my new students.

i finally got a key fob to my apartment building.

and i've, like, slept and eaten at least vaguely three meals and showered and kept my body in decent repair. and started a new knitting project. and i called two friends i've missed.

that's a pretty productive week! no wonder you're tired!

so why, if i've done so many nice things for myself, do i still feel like steamed shit?

speculation:

i haven't done either of the two projects that (aside from my job) really interface with other people, and one of them is LOOMING

yesterday i got LOCKED OUT OF MY BUILDING due to my FUCKING MANAGEMENT which STILL HASN'T FIXED MY BATTERY OR REPLIED TO MY EMAILS RE: THE BEEPING OF THE LAST FOUR WEEKS and that was, like. y'know. emotionally exhausting

i also physically exhausted myself for standing for, like, three hours straight doing a fuckload of dishes and cooking

my job is hard and kind of emotionally draining and i got, like, multiple Validating Looks from other adults about it yesterday, it was that bad

i still don't have my focus meds. med warning is different than med watch, etc

my grandpa died. December was vaguely hellish. it takes time to recover.

i feel like i'm just. in a puddle on the floor despairing. sometimes even while i am doing work and crossing things off my lists! i'm not hopeful about my near-term future. i'm scared. i feel bad about myself and my work and how slowly my brain is working these days, how often i mix stuff up.

but: give yourself some time. do try to work on those two projects today, but also, seriously, for real for real: give yourself some time. cut yourself a break. doing work to make your own life (and the lives of your housemates!) better is not a waste of time. it's arguably the point of being alive.

life is hard, and life as a disabled person is extra hard. i'm doing my damnedest to be graceful and gracious about it. i'm getting so much good experience at my job, even though it is very difficult too, and i love living on my own. these things are hard and lovely. so. it's okay to feel bad! it makes sense that you are tired! but i'm proud of myself for the effort i'm putting in and the work i'm doing, and i know i can keep doing the work. and even when i fail i will keep going.

[jodilin65]

TUESDAY, JANUARY 31, 2012 Got up at the crack of dawn. Another day of vroom, vroom, vroom… buzz, buzz, buzz… with maybe a few woofs thrown in. And those little pig worries playing on the back of my mind, of course. :-( But I’d rather vroom, buzz, woof than oink, oink, oink.

In a chipper mood and looking pretty fashionable for a work-at-home housewife with no plans to go anywhere today.

MONDAY, JANUARY 30, 2012 I really hope last night’s dream was as meaningless as can be. Especially with my accuracy rate for seeing bad dreams play out in real life. Or at least something bad plays out after a bad dream. He was laid off in the dream and we were in some kind of fancy shelter, as funny as that may sound. Tom assured me the dream was too silly and ridiculous to mean anything. I hope so! But yeah, the shelter had beds much as you’d find in a hotel. You had a double bed, a nightstand and a round table that could be made “private” by pulling a curtain around the area like you would in a hospital room. Instead of being in a large room, it was long and narrow and carpeted. Our “room” was at the front end across from where someone sat at a desk.

I looked at the bed at one point to decide which side I wanted to sleep on. I chose the side closest to the table where the iPod would sit that didn’t even remotely resemble an iPod in the dream.

Then I stepped outside the curtain and looked out a large window to see a confused woman driver stalling in the middle of an intersection, unsure of where to go and pissing off fellow motorists.

Suddenly Tom and I were outside and we seemed to be stuck down in Arizona. Not a very safe place for whites to be, especially if those bullies with badges try to mess with you, but that’s where I “sensed” we were. I made a comment about there not being any birds around and Tom told me they all went to New York, LOL.

Again, I hope this dream isn’t a warning of anything bad to come. Although it’s been busy at work, we’re coming up to around the time when he would be laid off if that were going to happen. Besides, in the 4½ years we’ve been in this state we haven’t been allowed to have more than 6 months of smooth sailing at a time. He just learned that you can apply for permanent positions where he works. The only problem is that they’re minimum-wage jobs and he would have to take a hefty pay cut. Better to make more money as a temp than a little as a permanent, at least for now.

Tom says it’s getting close to where you can get a job in just a couple of weeks as was the case when we moved to Oregon in 2004 and here in 2007, but I think if he got laid off I may be tempted to just shove everything we could possibly fit into the car and head for Nebraska. I’d rather it not happen, though!

It’s just that I spent 30 or 40 bucks yesterday having fun at Kmart and Goodwill. We both still do like to shop and live life every now and then. We ate at KFC, too.

I got a couple of really colorful necklaces and this really cool bundle of bangles with glittery water inside of clear tubes with splashes of color. I don’t suppose most people my age would care for them, but I’ve always liked shiny and colorful things.

One of the coolest things I got is these decorative nail decals that you simply stick on. They seem to hold up quite well, too. I almost got kids’ nails that you glue on since my fingers/nails are so small, but I never cared for those things anyway.

I saw a really nice pair of boots I’m going to go back for at some point so long as everything continues to go well for us. They were black, low-cut boots without much of a heel. They’d look great in the winter when it’s too cold for sandals. I’d wear them with jeans and dressier tops that would look funny with sneakers.

I also saw a couple of pairs of earrings I liked. I may not have to have the lobe on my “fake” ear re-pierced if I just stick to danglies, something I like better anyway because the weight of them makes the lobes look less uneven. For now, I’ve got small silver studs in to help keep the bad one open. As usual, the earring went in quickly and painlessly in the good ear, but it took me several minutes of fighting with the bad ear to get the damn thing in as it’s been several weeks since I wore earrings. I’ve got to be sure to leave them in longer this time as ridiculous as I think they look with the way the bad side has sort of curled upward with time, making that earring seem higher and tilted compared to the other. If the danglies are big enough, though, like the ones I saw and liked, it looks more natural.

At the Goodwill store, Tom got a digital camera, only the lady was kindly dumb enough to charge him just $2 for the case, not realizing there was a $12 camera inside it. He got it not because we need a digital camera (we already have one) but because he wanted the parts for another electronics project he’s working on.

For just a few bucks I found the perfect shower hooks with a flower design on them, so I took advantage of that and snatched a setup. Now, instead of those pain-to-use plastic snap-rings that break so easily, we have metal, easy-to-use hooks.

So other than a 99-cent body spray, a pack of Rain Garden incense, and a Bergamot Tea diffuser for the closet, that’s all we got. Fun, reasonable and much deserved, but I still feel a tinge of guilt anyway.

The laptop is all screwed up and super slow so Tom’s going to strip it sometime. All I use it for anyway is backing up stuff and playing music (it’s hooked to the stereo).

I gave people the email address I’m going to start using but must keep my old one active for a few more weeks till my other Facebook account is deleted. That way I can switch my main Facebook account over to the email address the other one is using. Deactivating doesn’t do me any good because signing in with the addy I want to use simply wakes that account up. So I submitted a deletion request.

Later…

The Jes pest just left in his insanely loud truck just a few minutes ago. I couldn’t tell if he had the dogs with him but I haven’t heard a single bark since he left. So he’s either got them with him or someone’s at the house. Sometimes I wonder if he got a roommate and if that could be part of the uptick in loud vehicles. If he’s hard up for bucks as we suspect he is it may make the idea of a roommate rather desirable to him.

As we were coming back yesterday, I looked at Tom and said, “Watch, now that we’re back we’ll have to hear Jesse. I’m sure it was dead quiet while we were out and that he was just waiting for us to get back.”

Sure enough, barely 15 minutes later he was gunning the Harley on and off.

Yesterday, it got up to 83° in the living room with the windows open. 79° in the bedroom with the window open and fan on. The heat should be off for the day now and in a couple of hours, the windows should once again be open. It’s nice to get some fresh air in here.

So now that I’ve decided to dump my Yahoo account now the spamarama trip stops. There’s still enough of it hitting the spam box, but I had been on a roll where a dozen or more messages a day weren’t being filtered out.

I asked Tom why it’s so important to close certain accounts and to stop public blogging if I’m out of the jurisdiction and he said it’s to untangle the past from the future. At first I didn’t get what he was saying till I realized that right now it’s very possible they could be looking for anything they can get me with. And if they can get me with something in the future that’s connected to the past, such as Google, the stem of all this bullshit, things could turn federal if they create enough “evidence.” It goes without saying that if they can fabricate a so-called case against me, they could fabricate – oh shit! Just when I thought I could enjoy some more peace until Jesse’s return, up they start with the damn saws. Those FUCKING MOTHER FUCKING SAWS! A few times a month was fine. But lately, it’s been a few times a week or more and by God is it getting old!

Back to the freeloaders, pigs and all things related. If they can bullshit up a case, they can bullshit up more evidence to compound things and make it into a bigger deal than they already made it out to be; big enough to possibly come after me with. That’s what happened the last time. But this time I do still have a few things in my favor I didn’t have 12 years ago besides more knowledge pertaining to Arizona’s barbaric laws and sentences. That’s the fact that they have no phone calls, no physical evidence, and they can’t summon AT&T for info because the net’s not in our name here. The best they could do is follow me online from here on out which they may or may not be doing.

Can I please stop shitting now? Really, what the hell’s wrong with me that I’ve had to shit 3 times when I’ve only been up for 7 hours. Barely.

It may sound funny but I feel more “exposed” here. Not in these woods, in this trailer. If anyone came snooping around it’d be hard to hide in here even with the blinds drawn and no sounds coming from inside. The slats on the blinds don’t close tightly enough and there are little peepholes along the edges and through the cutouts for the drawcords. The bathroom has a translucent window, but if I ran in there with the door open, they could see me through the blinds in the door across from the bathroom door. If I shut the door, they’d see that and think someone was probably here and in the bathroom. I guess I could run and hide in the closet if I saw any pigs lurking about, but IDK. sighs I don’t want to hide in the bedroom or have any of my movements and day-to-day living revolve around what the pigs may do. That only makes me feel more controlled and like they’ve won. They won before and I’m determined to do all I can never to let them win again. To never control our money, where we live, what we do, what I eat, what I wear, or when I can shower (in cold water). But that’s just the thing. I do have to be somewhat cautious so that they don’t win again. We can’t control whatever it is they did to make it appear as though they have a legitimate case against me, assuming it isn’t the scam it likely is. All we can do is control the future.

Keeping sounds from being heard outside these flimsy walls is hard, too. The floors can be heard creaking outside the place even from a light person walking slowly and gently. The washing machine can be heard easily and dishes clanking when I wash dishes. Tom’s snoring, toilet-flushing, faucets running, sound machines… one can hear it all if they’re right outside the place.

It’s just after 11:00 and Jesse just got back. Let me guess…it’s gonna roar out on the Harley next, right? Or will it bulldoze or ATV around the land instead?

Anyway, I’m trying not to worry about the freeloaders, pigs and layoffs, but it’s hard at times. The job’s not that big of a concern. But the pigs? I guess that will depend on how obsessed they are with me. Unfortunately, the pigs that usually work these so-called cases aren’t just bullies with badges but freeloading minorities who quite often dislike whites. So I’ve got a hater determined to legally “get” me on behalf of another hater. I just hope I’m not a very high priority on their hate list.

Even Tom’s going to eventually shut his own Gmail account down even though it hasn’t been implicated in anything, just so there are no more Google connections. Whether or not I’ll ever return to public blogging, where, and under what name is still unknown and undecided at this time. I miss it and I miss seeing who comes around, but I’m totally loving the break it’s given me from the trolls.

At first I didn’t want to do anything that could make me look guilty and like I have something to hide, but as Tom says, it doesn’t matter. He’s right and I don’t care how shutting down accounts makes me look. It isn’t appearances that matter, it’s the pigs’ actions, and I will do whatever it takes to protect myself from the badged bastards.

Ok, here comes the spamfest. Yes, I do feel better once again about deleting my Yahoo account.

I don’t get Andy sometimes. I know I should let others believe what they believe as we can’t help what we believe anyway. But sometimes he seems to make excuses for God’s unfairness towards him. IDK, it sorta reminds me of a woman making excuses for an abusive man. I just wish he would see God for His true colors. He said maybe God’s keeping him alone to protect him from diseases. But wouldn’t it just be simple enough to send him someone clean? To that, he said God works in mysterious ways. More like cruel and unfair ways if you ask me. Why is it so important to God that Andy be lonely all his life? Why is it important to Him that we spend most of our time struggling? Why it is important to Him that Alison has all kinds of health problems?

On the flip side, he pointed out that he is very blessed in other areas and considers himself 90% happy. That’s how I feel right now, too. The only thing spoiling these better days is knowing that the shit’s gonna hit the fan sooner or later and we’ll be right back to struggle our asses off and give God (or whatever may be up there) a good laugh while He watches us scramble to save our asses.

Later…

LOL, Christiane commented on a post of Nane’s bitching about the weather (-13º). I noticed she changed her posting visibility from public to friends of friends when she dumped me. Now they’re back to public. Wonder if Christiane took the time to tell Nane about the bullshit chat of ours I posted for select eyes only, particularly hers and Irene’s. It would be especially funny if she or Irene copied it for her:) Hmm… what shall we “chat” about next? LMAO!

SATURDAY, JANUARY 28, 2012 Soon it’s off to work on my book and to let “Bunny Nose” and her devilish side come out to play as every good book deserves at least one good sociopath:)

Irene said there was an earthquake in Salzburg as well as northern Italy and that she felt her desk shaking at work. I didn’t even know they could get earthquakes there. I guess Nane didn’t feel it up in Munich? Either way, I got to learn a new word while I was at it – Erdbeben. That’s German for the word earthquake.

Irene seems to want to hook me up with one of her friends. In her twisted English, I got the sense that maybe the friend was from here. She mentioned Westwood. I told her to tell her she’s welcome to send me a friend invite and I’ll add her if she wants.

Got lots to do this weekend so I may not get much writing done on either journals or stories. Then again, I always have lots to do. It’s just that weekends are more for laundry and errands while weekdays are more for writing, housecleaning and working out. Today, though, I’m going to clean the bathroom while he does the grocery shopping. Then we’re going to do even more PC configuring and try to “build” one of the Mac word processors to suit my needs and tastes by altering their basic code, something anyone can do.

Tom said a tree went down by Jesse’s place yesterday. That may explain some of the coming and going I heard like half a dozen times yesterday.

Later…

It’s only the afternoon here but already I am exhausted from all the changes we’ve been making on my computer both on and offline. We killed my Gmail accounts since I don’t use them anymore. I’m also going to be deleting my account with Yahoo but will be sure to PM my top buddies with the new addy. It’s actually not a “new” addy, just one I haven’t used to enter sweepstakes with thus encouraging a ton of spammers and scammers.

Still wish it would rain away the chainsaws, motorcycles and dogs, but at least we save on propane this way. It’s so nice in the afternoons that it’s been getting up to around 80º in here in the afternoons. The nights and mornings are still cold, though. Right now I’ve got shorts and a sports bra on. You’d never know I was bundled up in my robe less than 6 hours ago.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 27, 2012 Maliheh never picked up either postcard that I know of so now I don’t know what to think. My gut feeling is that she’s ignoring both cards. Maybe she somehow knows I’ll know it if she picks them up. Then again she could be out on the streets or back in Hawaii with a dying mother. Who the hell knows and frankly I don’t know if I care anymore. Keeping in touch once every week or two wasn’t much to ask for, was it? As of the first, I’m not sending any more journals she may not be getting until I hear from her. Enough of this one-sided friendship and feeling like I’m talking to a wall!

Jesse was quiet till 10:30 yesterday when I heard him come in in the truck. Because I hadn’t heard any barking all morning I figured he took the dogs with him or someone was at the house. But the instant he got in he came right back out to play. Yes, he just had to jump on the bulldozer until it rained. If he had any brains he’d wait to go bullshitting in May or June, but no, this boy just has to play with his toys. The rain was an unexpected surprise, but now the 5-cast is once again predicting nothing but sunny days.

The rat has been clingier lately for some reason. It’s cute but annoying at times the way he follows me around the place. He sure wouldn’t let me work out earlier. No, instead he just had to chase and play with the resistance bands I was trying to work with, LOL. Anyway, the attention junkie should sleep most of the day away now that he’s had his love, attention, treats, freedom and exercise.

And I’ll spend the day worrying. Especially after the dream, I had last night. Tom says there’s nothing to worry about and while I don’t have a sense of foreboding, it still worries one who’s prone to dream premonitions, and well, I worry if last night’s dream was a nasty sign of some kind.

In the dream, I worked in an office building (dreams and stories are the only places I can keep a schedule). I had a small office at the end of the hall and was in a much larger room next to it when I spotted these two detectives. I don’t know if I’d met them before or not but I somehow knew they were there for me. The one leading the way was a white, middle-aged guy who was kind of baldish and carrying a manila envelope. His partner might have been a younger non-white. Maybe skinnier and a touch taller, too.

The wall that ran along the hallway was mostly made of glass. I watched through the “window” as the guys spoke to a secretary who sat at her desk facing the room in this little nook-like area across the hall. She pointed toward my office and they headed to it just 20 or so yards down the hall.

The storage room or whatever it was I was in suddenly turned into a bedroom. A large bed stood against the center of the wall opposite the windows and I suddenly dropped to the floor and pressed myself against the side of the bed, unable to get much more than an arm and a leg underneath it. Then I realized someone would surely spot me and wonder what the hell I was doing lying on the floor. Jumping back up to my feet I ran out of the room and through the nearest door which was a bathroom. When the pigs saw I wasn’t in my office, I heard them come out and ask the secretary where I was. I didn’t think I’d been seen, but she said I was in the bathroom and I woke up as they said they’d wait for me.

Tom better be right about this whole jurisdiction thing! It’s just that I fear that since I know damn well and good that I never did anything wrong enough to give them a “case” other than say some things they wouldn’t agree with that they’ve gone and made a case against me. As in falsifying evidence in a way that could make jurisdiction not matter. I really think someone altered one of my emails to make it sound threatening. Damn me again for sending them!

But does the dream mean anything? Is it a sign saying they’re “closing in” on me? Are they planning on coming here or am I just going to get a threatening message of sorts saying something like either come forward now or else!

Well, the facts still stand. I have done nothing wrong other than express myself in a non-threatening way and I have nothing to say to the pigs. Just because some people don’t want to hear it and may be easily offended – hey, I didn’t force anyone to read anything. The fact that she couldn’t just hit the delete button or block me or mark me as spam is not my problem. It never will be my problem either. Sorry, bitch but whatever’s up there is going to be protecting me this time. It fed me to you once and this time it’s my back it’s got. How do I know this? I don’t for sure. It’s just a feeling. Maybe it doesn’t have my back at all any more than it did when it let her and several others shit on me. Maybe it’s me and my husband that has my back, and you know what? This time it’s going to be enough!

Anyway, I don’t want to spend my time writing about how I’m not going to fall for their shit this time around and how much I’ll sue or kill but definitely make them sorry they didn’t just ignore me. I want to go work on my story soon.

Damn! Not even the first month of the year is through yet and I’ve already written 50 pages!

Why has my hard drive been so noisy today? I don’t know enough about this Mac crap yet to be able to see what it’s doing but I hope it’s just scanning or updating and that I haven’t been hacked! I’m so paranoid about that after having 3 emails, 2 blogs, and 1 PC hacked.

Later…

It’s barely after 11am and already I’ve heard Jesse come and go 3 times. Does he have a roommate with a similar vehicle or what? I mean, if it’s just him, how many places could a guy possibly have to go so damn often? This, and constant company, would be my biggest concern being in an adult community. They just don’t stay put at any age. And they’re all company junkies!

Let me guess… now it’s time to play on the bulldozer, right? Why doesn’t he just zoom out on the Harley and leave me with the barking instead?

Again Andy had a porn pic removed from Formspring which he posted as my “punishment” for not making him laugh when I told him about them tipping Nane off about the LM prank. But it was funny. He said it wasn’t, though, cuz that’s what mutual friends do – talk. This was after just days of promising to “try harder” to post more pics I like. But as I knew all along, he’s got an obvious porn addiction going. That’s not the mystery. The mystery is why they just keep removing the pics and not sending him a verbal warning or kicking him off. They removed the pic pretty damn fast, too. Makes me wonder if Andy not only wants to get kicked off, but if someone’s allowing him to stay because of me. Maybe I’ve really gotten beyond paranoid with this theory. So far beyond it that I make Marie seem like she wasn’t paranoid at all. But really, what if? What if the pigs told them, “Look just deal with it for now. Just remove the dirty pics but don’t kick him off because we’re really interested in what one of his friends has to say.”

Again, I would hate to think they’d put their time and effort into what I have to say versus their local child molesters and wife-beaters, but so be it. That’s just our backward world for you. If I farted they’d be interested in me. But if I axed someone’s head off they couldn’t care less.

Ok, I’ve had it with this in-and-out shit. Time to get the wax plugin. Sad when you can’t even get any peace out in the country. Really sad.

Still trying to come to terms with the fact that I’m never going to lose weight. Never. And that’s because I won’t starve myself or cut down enough that I feel like I am. But it’s true, no matter how much exercising I do, I will always be around 140 pounds or higher.

I do like how good working out makes me feel, though. I love having all this muscle! I’ve been “lifting” like crazy. Each exercise helps with more than just the target areas. Running doesn’t just work the legs but firms the hips as well. Ab crunching also helps the neck and chin area so they’re less droopy. With age, the neck tends to drape down just above the collarbone but mine’s not doing that.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 26, 2012 It’s back to being nice during the daytime and cold at night. Sooner or later I would think the rains will make their way back into the area and it will be cold night and day. I’m sick of the cold and it’s not even February yet! Damn, I hope we make it to Florida someday. I really do.

It’s too soon to say for sure but my nails do seem to be a bit clearer. The milky color has faded, and while my fingernails now look ok save for ridges, a few of my toenails still look discolored.

Tom’s back to having OT so hopefully, that means they won’t lay him off anytime soon.

I asked Teri and she advised me to do 3 sets of my muscle-building exercises and to do as many reps as I can until I can do no more. She said to rest for 3-5 minutes in between. Also, up the resistance if I have to do that many reps. So I’m now at 20 pounds and will work my way up to 30 which is as much as I’ve got here as far as resistance bands go.

If we ever make it out of here I think the only thing I’m gonna miss about this place is the cabinet support pole I’ve been using to do some of the exercises with. I could probably wrap bands around the treadmill’s rails, though, too. That’s what I have to do in order to work the inner thigh muscles. Anyway, all this “lifting” takes time and between that and the treadmill, I don’t care to spend nearly two hours a day working on myself, so I’m alternating between muscle and cardio workouts. I just hope it’s enough to get more weight off since the muscle pumping doesn’t get the heart pumping nearly as much as running does. Even walking briskly at 3MPH gets it going faster than when I’m lifting.

I messaged Jasmine from the old KB on FB yesterday but didn’t hear back from her even though she’s posted to her wall since then. I just thought I’d say hi but she didn’t like me very much in the end because of my views on blacks and the unfairness of reverse discrimination.

Maliheh not only still hasn’t messaged me but hasn’t picked up her Webshots card. Their notification thing is glitchy at times, though, so she still may’ve gotten it. As a test, I’m sending another Egreeting card. We’ll see if she picks up that today or if I at least get anything saying she did. I’ll have mixed emotions if I see she’s picked up this card. It would be a good thing because it would show she’s alive and well and is taking the time to read what I send. But it would convince me all the more that no matter what she says is going on in her life, she is ignoring me for some reason.

I sent Barbara a card yesterday and she didn’t pick it up, but she did pick up the one I sent before. Yeah, I’m definitely not going to hear from her again. No doubt about that one.

The troll’s worrying Alison with more and more talk about moving to Des Moines which is just a 3½-hour drive from the Omaha area. She fears something bad will happen if she makes the move, though I don’t see what could possibly happen. The troll can’t drive and if she’s got this supposed muscle condition which is part of why she can’t drive or run too well, then how could she hurt Aly? She’s crazy, but hopefully not crazy enough to get her BF, who’s got to be just as sick as she is, to drive her over to Alison’s and also a gun with which to shoot her. After all, I did say I sensed she’d be dangerous if she were in better shape and could get around easier.

Part of what seems to be motivating the troll is that right after she praised her family and said, “Who needs friends when you have such a wonderful family?” she’s not getting along with her parents and is fighting with her sisters as well. Her mother’s afraid to let her go for fear of her not taking her BC pills. Molly needs more than just BC pills, even though I can’t imagine her ever surviving for long in any long-term relationship, she needs her plumbing ripped out. She’s just the kind our twisted God would have knocked up, too. Just what the world needs – baby Mollys to add to the world’s craziness.

I’m trying to understand the world’s crazies just out of sheer curiosity. I mean what makes them tick? I know many things can contribute to one becoming a sociopath, a serial killer, and just plain crazy. But what’s the scoop in Molly’s case? Was it abuse that made her the way she is? Genetics? Something else? And just what does “crazy” mean? Does she even know what she’s doing? Sometimes I think she does because she has admitted in her blog to making threats and doing other things she shouldn’t be doing, but most of the time she seems to have no concept of right and wrong. Can she really tell the difference but is unable to keep herself from doing the shit she does anyway? Is she too out of it most of the time to realize her mistakes? Or is she fully aware at all times but just doesn’t give a shit?

Anyway, I think Mommy Dearest is worried about more than just BC. I think she not only knows the relationship won’t last, but she worries about just what kind of trouble her demented daughter may cause being so far away where she has no control over at least some of it. I think she fears she won’t take her psych pills and will eventually get in trouble with the law. I still can’t believe she hasn’t as of yet. Really, what’s taking so long?

Still editing and sprucing up my timeline and I’m sure I’ll make changes and additions for some time to come as I remember past events and stuff like that. What sucks is knowing they’ll just revamp the damn profile layouts again soon enough.

I wonder if Facebook is glitchy because it not only continued to say I have 37 notes after I posted one, but they’re saying I joined in October of 2007. But I swear I joined a year or two before that up in Oregon. I swear I remember changing my state of residence from Oregon to Cali.

They also say I have zero activity for 2008. It’s hard to believe I didn’t post or do something.

Since the new timeline makes it so much easier to see so much at once, I easily scrolled back to some posts Nane left over a year ago and couldn’t resist “liking” one. LOL, that’s gonna throw the bitch off, alright, when she gets notified of it:) I don’t know that they’re timelining Germany so she’s going to have a real WTF? moment trying to figure out how I could “like” something she posted when we’re no longer friends and she hasn’t even posted on my wall for a million years anyway.

Later…

OMG, I am laughing so, so fucking hard to myself right now I almost spit coffee out all over me! It’s a good thing Tom isn’t home now. I wouldn’t want to worry my lovable but sometimes paranoid husband into thinking I’m getting into trouble. Oh, it’s nothing illegal, but it’s so damn funny. I’ve got to make sure I only share this with Andy. We’re the only ones who have this much in common. We’re two pranksters at heart. I may have no desire to make prank calls, but oh the fun I have online at times! Only Andy would probably find what I’m about to say funny whereas Maliheh, Aly and everyone else would either be like, “Shame on you!” Or they just wouldn’t get it.

I’m friends with two of Nane’s friends right now, Christiane and Irene. Well, except for emails to Andy and Maliheh, Facebook is the only place I’ve been journaling lately. In fact, it’s pretty much the only site I hang out on these days except for when I play around with Andy on his Formspring page.

Anyway, I went to Live Mocha, the site Nane and I “met” on. Neither of us has been into LM for quite a while now. Nane’s third language is Turkish. She’s not fluent in it but has studied quite a bit of it. Especially since she vacations in Turkey 3-4 times a year and hopes to one day live there. LM is a social site as well as a language learning site where native speakers of whatever language you’re learning can leave you tips and correct any errors you make. So I went to an old spoken Turkish exercise of hers and after using Google to translate from English to Turkish, I left a “review” about just what I think about her dumping me and all that. No swears or threats or anything illegal, but nothing she’d be too thrilled about.

Only problem was she hadn’t logged in since August 23rd. Then I got curious as to whether or not Christiane or Irene might be reading my notes and decided to do a little test. I casually mentioned Nane and said that I still missed her at times even though I knew we were better off not speaking to each other, though she’s “probably going to want to strangle me for the Livemocha prank if she ever discovers it.” I was not only curious as to whether or not they may be reading my notes, but I kinda hoped they were and that they’d go tip Nane off so Nane could go see my little Turk prank. Hey, they gave me 20 free tokens to do it, LOL, not that I’m very active there any more than she’s been. I’ve taken all the courses I care to take until and if they ever add Hawaiian.

I posted this note a few days ago for them only even though they didn’t know it was for them only. But yeah, that’s the beauty of posting on FB; you can hide select friends from seeing certain posts or make them available to certain friends. However way you wanna go. Well, they didn’t say anything about it, but I just discovered that Nane deactivated her account, hahaha! The timing is quite a coincidence if you ask me, LMAO!

The thought of posting notes just for Christiane and Irene about Nane and I making up and even talking about visiting, knowing they’ll run and tell her about it, really amuses the hell out of me. :))))) OMG, I can’t stop laughing!

She also removed the ‘friends of friends’ weather post the other day. Now just the public post is there.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 25, 2012 I had a dream a few nights ago that Facebook forced the new timeline profile on everyone and I shut down my account and left for good. Then Tom read an article this morning confirming that they were going to do just that – force it on everyone as of the first (unless you want to change over sooner).

I noticed a few people already switched to the timeline but at first it seemed complex and didn’t interest me. The layout seemed sloppy and too cluttered at first glance so I shied away from it. Besides, I’m a hater of change for the most part. When I get used to doing something a certain way and get comfortable with it, I like to stick to it and not bother to change what works well enough for me.

So when Tom told me they were making it mandatory anyhow, I said okay, let me go check it out, see how much I hate it, then deactivate my account. However, I’m surprised to say that I like it very much and it really is simple to set up and navigate once you get the hang of it. It makes it much more convenient to jump from year to year instead of having to scroll and scroll and scroll down to the earlier stuff.

So only half of that dream has come true since I’m going to stick around after all!

TUESDAY, JANUARY 24, 2012 Why did Kevin E. request to follow me on Twitter, especially since I almost never tweet anymore? I’d never heard of him before but he’s some kind of songwriter and musician according to my research. I’m used to authors following me, but a songwriter and musician? I haven’t been into the music scene for decades. I still sing at times, but I haven’t danced or touched a guitar other than the ones I won long enough to sell since my mid-20s.

He’s following nearly 1000 people, has 11 followers mostly in the entertainment business, but hasn’t tweeted. The account looks legit, though, as did the guy who sent me an add invite on FB since I saw that we have 4 mutual friends (VH sisters) and he’s in the northeast and is around my age.

Couldn’t help but think of Maliheh when I saw this site that sells stone guitar picks. Someone tried to tell me they were made of dinosaur bones. Yeah, right. And my nose is made of Adolf Hitler’s last dump before he killed himself. LOL, how the hell can you play with picks made of stone anyway?

I can’t believe Andy hasn’t been banned from Formspring. They keep removing the hardcore porn pics he posts but he just won’t stop posting them. It’s like he’s addicted to the stuff. Or to grossing some people out. Yesterday he said he’d stick to soft porn. Yeah, right. For how long, 3 days?

The troll is already back to badmouthing Alison. I suppose I’m next, and then Kim and Kathy, more of her imaginary friends that she doesn’t get why they won’t talk to her. We knew it wouldn’t take long, though. What mommy doesn’t seem to get is that temporary punishment and banning her from the net won’t cut it. She’ll not only just carry on her shit from the library whenever she can, but will be right back to her threats and harassment as soon as mommy gives her back her computer. Mrs. M just doesn’t get that she needs to be kept from going online FOREVER or at least with someone looking over her shoulder and watching her every single move without so much as blinking an eye.

Aly’s review of Renting Ginny was very helpful. She’s the absolute best editor I have. Mitch is great, too. The only problem there is the UK/US English differences. Over here we simply do not spell color with a ‘u’ in it.

Although I have the basic ideas mapped out for Bunny Nose and will be starting C3 today, I’m not so sure just how evil I want to make “Bunny Nose” just yet. That would certainly be a cause of concern for the kind elderly couple that takes her in if others witness her doing crazy and even violent things. Or should another character be the nutcase? Every story deserves to have at least one batshit crazy character:)

Time to work out because no, I will not use my period as an excuse to be lazy. Then I’ll hit the shower in which the hot water still runs out too soon which means it’s something about this screwy shower itself or the pipes and not the tank. A 35-gallon tank should definitely not run out of hot water in less than 15 minutes.

MONDAY, JANUARY 23, 2012 Welcome weekday pig worries…

Not!

Still not sure what to think where they’re concerned, but trying not to worry. It’s just not easy when you have a dream where someone knocks on the door and you say to your husband, “That’s 3 times this week.”

But was it the pigs? Or was it just the Jes pest?

Anyway, I won’t let them get me. I won’t. Not unless they kick their way in here and physically drag me outa here. They seem to have forgotten me, but that may be what they want me to think. Months can go by before the pigs come at you again whether you deserve them to or not and I definitely haven’t done anything to deserve their attention. That’s part of what makes this a little scary. Imagine if I had actually done something.

I saw that Molly made a few posts from her local library and her mother even emailed Alison to say that she would be getting back the computer she took away from her for badmouthing people online and making threats and to let her know if she says anything she shouldn’t be saying.

She’s not appearing on my tracker, but the library may have their cookies turned off.

sighs They say a mother’s love is unconditional. Well, usually it is unless you’re someone like Casey Anthony. But not everything and anyone deserves to be loved unconditionally if you ask me. Especially those that are hopeless. I really, truly believe Molly is beyond hope. I don’t think any amount of time, therapy or medication can change her. I think she was born crazy and she always will be. What’s the point of even letting these kinds of people live in society? Shouldn’t they be locked up with their own kind in a controlled environment forever so the outside world can be a little safer? I’m glad the mother is finally waking up where her daughter is concerned and has quit making lame excuses for her despite an understandable desire to want to defend her own flesh and blood. But daughter or not, the kid (and I will call her that because she acts like a kid even though she’s 28) is fucked up. Hopefully, her eyes will open even further and she’ll see that there’s no changing anything and will not so much as give up on her but will get her into some kind of institution. Does the woman really want to spend the rest of her life babysitting the nutjob anyway?

Maliheh never picked up the Webshots postcard I sent her unless they failed to notify me that it was delivered. I’m sure she’s having a rough life now just like she says she is, but I still think she’s playing with me much like Nane was. You gotta go by what people do and not what they say. Actions really do speak louder than words.

I was “reminiscing” about Nane in one of my Facebook notes. Wonder if Irene or Christiane mentioned it to her? LOL

Rain, rain, don’t go away. Rain, rain, keep Jesse away:) It’s not gonna stop him from running and gunning his truck, but it will keep him off of at least 4 of his 50 other vehicles:)))

Later…

I’m reading a book called Trapped by Jack Kilborn. It’s a good story so far, though I’m only 22% through it, but am a little disturbed by the author’s description of those with ADHD. Well, I have ADHD and yes, we have memory retention issues at times and a short attention span, but to say we feel no empathy or remorse and that we blame everyone else for what happens to us is pure BS. I won’t take the blame for someone else’s mistake, but I know damn well when I’ve made a mistake myself and I don’t mind saying so. I’m only human. Humans fuck up. As for empathy or remorse, of course I’m not going to feel bad for you if you should fall and skin your knees after you did me wrong. And like most people out there, the more you’ve wronged me, the less I care what happens to you. But I would most definitely feel bad if I wronged or offended those I care about. No doubt about that. And I empathize greatly when my loved ones and good friends are suffering. I think that the inability to feel empathy and remorse is a personality thing; not an ADHD thing.

It also disturbs me to hear some people refer to gays and lesbians as a “lifestyle.” If there’s any “style” in gayhood then there’s just as much in straighthood. To hear it referred to as an “alternative lifestyle” really pisses me off. Where’s the “alternative” to being yourself?

While I try to have a “to each their own” attitude and let people have their own beliefs, it’s hard to believe those who say things happen for a reason. I once thought this myself and sometimes I still do, but in most cases, I’m not so sure anymore. Good people suffer for seemingly no reason whatsoever. There is simply NO justifiable, sensible or rational “reason” why some kids are beaten to death by their own parents.

Nothing in the way of oink, oink and no warrants either. While it makes sense for them to give up on me as long as I don’t go to their jurisdiction, it also doesn’t make sense that they would give up on me with a history with this black bitch. Pigs, lawyers and judges break laws all the time. If they’re frustrated enough by the jurisdiction thing and they really want to get at me, they’ll find a way. They’ll be sorry. But they’ll find a way. My logical side knows it’s just a scam but my PTSD side knows otherwise. No one’s after me despite all she did to me in the past.

I miss blogging. I don’t miss the troll but I miss blogging and seeing who comes around and what they have to say. I feel like that’s something the pigs, blacks and Molly have taken from me, but I’d rather miss it for a while than deal with any shit that may arise from it until and if I see just how obsessed Arizona may or may not become with me. It’s not uncommon to think you’ve heard the last from the pigs about whatever, then boom! There they are come to haunt you again. Two times I was bullshitted by the police about things being “over.” I’d rather not have to but oh how I will be haunting right back if they tangle with me again!

I thought I might’ve had some dream last night that had to do with Tom getting a raise, but the dream wasn’t clear enough for me to say for sure. That would be nice, but he’s one of their highest-paid employees as it is and that makes it less likely that they’d give him a raise so we’ll see.

I also dreamed we were living in a tiny, dumpy old two-bedroom house in the city. It’s nice that it was a real house, though I don’t like that it was in the city or the “fog” that the closets contained, but yeah, that was one of its quirks, LOL. Foggy closets that needed their doors kept open in the wintertime to keep the mildew and musty odors away.

Still wonder if we’ll make it out of here this year or not. Maybe they won’t lay him off but maybe we won’t be able to get into an adult community either. And maybe all we’ll be able to find in the country that we can afford are dumps similar to this one unless we want a bigger dump in a seedy section of the city or to live on another shared property, and we don’t. This selfish bitch wants everything to herself:) It isn’t that we couldn’t afford to pay over a grand in rent; it’s that we don’t want the place sucking every last dime out of us like the motels and the Maricopa house did. In the past, it used to be important to me to have extra money for fun stuff. Nowadays it’s important to me in case we fall upon hard times, something we got especially good at.

Something good was going on in the dream I had despite the shabbiness of the house itself, only Tom was being secretive about it. Like he wanted to find out more about it, and then surprise me with whatever it was.

We’re done with the rain we had for the next week or so, which means warmer temps and a noisier landlord who will now have more options with which to annoy me. Instead of just his truck, he can now choose between the Harley, the dirt bike, the bulldozer or the ATV. I really gotta wonder just how many feet we need to place between us and our nearest neighbor in order to not have to hear from them every day. At just a few feet I pretty much expected it, but if they’re still annoying me from over 100 feet, I wonder if 10 miles would even make a difference so long as they’re our neighbors. beats head

SATURDAY, JANUARY 21, 2012 I’m so fucking pissed right now I could scream! I emailed Tom a copy of this really cute rodent picture Andy had on Formspring, but he said it wasn’t visible. So I went through my ‘sent’ folder and found that many pictures I’d enclosed in messages weren’t visible either. Strangely enough, most of the invisibles were sent to Maliheh. I asked Maliheh to let me know if she’s been noticing this too and how often but I don’t expect an answer. The poor girl’s got so much shit going on I rarely hear from her these days. We don’t need to go back to daily chats, but I keep hoping that things will slow down and get better on her end so we can chat at least once a week. But I may not get an answer and so I may not know what she’s seeing on her end of things. I just know that I checked those messages after I sent them and the pictures were perfectly visible then. Today they’re not.

Also, I made up a bunch of “stationery.” These are pictures I’d lay down in the bodies of the emails and save as drafts, but many of those are gone, too. Ugh, I’m just so pissed! I worked long and hard on all that stationery. Maybe I need to stop doing so much for others.

Sometimes I wonder if someone somewhere is fucking with me. I really do. So we installed a PW on my entire PC. No one can do anything on it anymore without entering that PW first.

Got lots of rain and I even heard the frogs for the first time this year.

Despite the fact that I’ve moved every few months to a few years since I was 20, I just don’t see us moving anytime soon, but I think I already mentioned that. If this is where we’re meant to be for many more years to come, fine. I’m used to living in tiny old dumps and there could be worse places to be stuck in. I just wish I knew for sure because I don’t want to think, try or aim for something that isn’t meant to be. Instead, I would want to start thinking about sprucing this place up and customizing it to suit our needs. I hate to spend money on someone else’s place and I hate living with Jesse, but if that’s what’s meant to be then it must be for a reason, right?

After saying he’d tone it down, Andy’s already back to posting porn on his Formspring wall after just a few days of decent, classy, sexy and cute pics. This is some really raunchy shit he posts too, that I can’t believe he hasn’t been kicked off the site altogether. But when you know that risk is there and that it grosses some people out but still can’t seem to stop, that should tell you something about yourself. This is classic pervie behavior. It’s so sad to see him this way but it’s true. He just can’t seem to stop with the lewd and disgusting talk and pictures, especially pictures. Classic, classic pervert behavior. He’s made it no secret that he’s attracted to youth. Most straight guys are too, and look how many of them are perverts, rapists and child molesters? Maybe he wasn’t so innocent after all in the case that landed him in jail and on probation. The guy involved was only 22. Better than 18 which is better than 14. But still, he was almost forced to register as a sex offender and he acts like one, too. Only difference is this one’s deprived and not getting nearly as much sex as he wants because he’s after guys and not girls. Most people are still straight and sometimes girls are easier to lure because of it.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 20, 2012 Die Hündin has her wall public and posted the same link to a German weather site about Hurricane Katrina to both the public as well as to friends of friends. What did she do that for? If your wall is public then why submit the same thing for friends of friends? I’m a friend of some of her friends yet nothing appears in the news feed. Maybe it’s not supposed to? Oh well. Who could ever figure out a woman like Marion Nane L?

I still miss Nane at times. Although I’m over most of the hurt and anger at being dumped when I could’ve used a friend the most (not that I didn’t have others who cared), and although I shouldn’t, I’m sure I’d be dumb enough to welcome her back into my life with open arms if she’d only reach out to me. LOL, even if she’d just end up dumping me the next time the shit hit the fan in my life, but that’s just how some people are. They’re there when you’re up and they run when you’re down. But I mean no disrespect to any of Nane’s friends that may read this and I still wish Nane the very best in life. I hope she hasn’t been dumped by Jim. It’s just that Karma has a way of biting us in the ass when we least expect it.

I’ve developed this gross nail fungus in my nails. It’s mostly in my toes, but I have a combination of thin nails, thick nails, discoloration, lifting, bending, etc. They all have sort of a milky white tint to them and hopefully, the stuff I bought will clear up the cloudiness and other uglies in a few weeks. Tom thinks it’s because of the long-term use of too much nail polish. If that’s so since I doubt it’s a sign of a deadly disease since I’m being sent to Florida so often in my dreams, I wish I could lose interest altogether in nail polish. Maybe if I come back a man or a butch in the next life I won’t have a damn bit of interest in the stuff. But in this life, muscular or not, I’m all fem – heels, flashy jewelry, dresses, perfume, nail polish and makeup. Not as much makeup, though, as when I was younger. I don’t think makeup looks as good on older people, and especially not the elderly. It makes them look clownish in a ghoulish sort of way.

Tom tells me I’m not fat, yes he will be a permanent employee someday, and yes, we will be insured (for less than $40 a week) before we’re old. Not sure I believe him on the first two. I still need a dentist, I still need a doctor who specializes in congenital atresia, and I might have to see a doctor for a prescription if I can’t clear this nail thing up on my own.

Except for just a couple of days over the last two weeks, my ear has been much better. I don’t expect it to last, though. The rain seems to be stirring it up as it is. We got some rain yesterday but today we’re really getting slammed. It’s really sheeting down hard against the windows so much so that if they were open we’d be soaked in here. I had hoped that Jesse would stay in tonight so I could enjoy the sounds of the rain and the wind chimes instead of barking and I got my way with that one at least for tonight. I threw on the dehumidifier for a while since I’ve now got wet clothes hanging on the inside lines.

It kind of sucks that I’m on nights now and not up to enjoy and take advantage of this rain making things quieter around here. Jesse still may run and gun that damn truck, but no one would be sawing or running around on ATVs, motorcycles or dirt bikes.

After spending the last 8 hours, cooking, cleaning and doing other odds and ends around the place, I’m going to waste time watching movies, reading, and neglecting my book. Well, after I do the grocery list I will.

I can waste time thinking and wondering, too. How about like why our moving to a retirement community this summer seems too “easy” and “too good to be true?” Oh, wait. Make that an adult community. Tom says a retirement community isn’t an appropriate thing to call them because that’s usually for those in need of assisted living.

But an 18-year-old is an “adult.”

Either way, moving to a – how about 55+ neighborhood? – seems sort of unrealish to me, like it ain’t gonna happen. I may be too young. Only one of you has to be 55 or up, but they like to keep their overall percentage of people at 55 and up, so we still may not be able to get in even if we can save up enough money, he’s still working, and they don’t mind taking us even though he’s just a temp. Maybe we could get around letting them know he’s just a temp, but hopefully they’ll understand that so are most people in Califuckedup. It would be just our shit luck that my age would be an issue since we’re not very good at getting what we want and our plans rarely go through. sighs Why do I have to be in my 40s? I want to be in my 50s right now! We could remain in the country, but it’s not only very hard to find a place on a piece of land that doesn’t have landlords or other tenants on it, but they’re usually over a grand a month in rent.

No Florida dreamin’ last night. Instead, I flew over a giant water slide and got it on with someone but I don’t know who. I don’t even know if it was a man or a woman, LOL.

It’s been almost two weeks since I heard from the pigs, real or not. Is it because they’re giving up on me or because they have something more sinister planned for me? Tom thinks that if I keep out of view they’ll let it die away. They better! There are no words in any language to describe what a big mistake it would be on their part if they messed with me. Some people really aren’t worth bothering with and I’m one of them. I just hope I won’t have to show them that. I have continued to pray them off every single day and by some miracle, something’s actually been listening to me so far.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 19, 2012 We finally got some rain around here, though it hasn’t been much yet and it didn’t start till Jesse’s usually indoors anyway. I did hear him running around on the ATV for a few minutes, though, as the sun was setting. Oh well. I slept most of the day anyway.

I stood out on the porch at around 4pm waiting for Tom to come down the drive and breathing in that fresh mountain air. It was raining lightly at the time and the ground was barely saturated. It’s too cold here and it’s not as pretty as Florida but it’s still so peaceful and so beautiful when there’s no barking or loud vehicles running. Country living beats city life any day!

No scary meetings at work for Tom and no nightmares for me, so that’s good.

Been showered with all kinds of comments, hugs, kisses, and pictures from Irene, LOL. I guess she realizes that yes, Nane, whom she herself warned me about, and I are really done. Totally history. I don’t mind attention from her as opposed to some of the others on Facebook like Lori. Lori’s nice but the poor girl is so damn ugly. Not sure how with it she is either, but I don’t think she��s too far out in left field. Just ugly enough to shower me with even more attention. :(

Irene doesn’t get carried away and make me feel smothered or overwhelmed in any kind of way and she’s not bad looking. She’s one of those that’s ugly but she isn’t if that makes any sense. She probably attracts more women than men. She’s overweight and has short hair, but she has a pleasant face and a great personality. She seems to be very friendly and open-minded. I had to laugh that time she said she wondered if I were in love with Nane. No, not in love, but I definitely had feelings for her. I don’t know if Irene is bi like Nane, but that’s the impression I get based on some things she’s said.

The drama queen hasn’t been around much. Have I been making her nose bleed too hard or something? Molly had all kinds of aches, pains, nosebleeds, and illnesses when she was fucking with me and my friends and really pissing me the hell off, LOL. The drama queen hasn’t done anything lately, but that anger over the past still lingers. I think it always will to a degree.

Been thinking of shutting down my Yahoo account. Tom and I have been thinking of shutting down a few of our email accounts and we’ll decide what to get rid of this weekend. I use my mail.com addy occasionally and it’s not overwhelmed with spam yet, so I’ll probably keep that even though it’s a bitch to get into. But I never use my Gmail account anymore and the Yahoo account gets spammed to hell and back every day. I just can’t get it all to hit my spam box. Like I said, I really think someone used it to sign me up for all kinds of shit. The scammers are harder to get rid of than the spammers because they keep coming at me from different email addies that just won’t get filtered out. I’ve had the Ratgirl account for 12 years, though, so I’ll have to think about it. When I go back to sweeping in about a year or so I would want to use a whole new addy for it anyway. Rather than try to struggle to remember which sites I’m already registered at and update all my Robo passcards, it’s easier to just start anew with a fresh address even if it means re-registering for everything.

All but my mail.com addy has been hacked. My Gmail, Yahoo and a Hotmail account I once had 5 years ago were all hacked. The thing is that when I reported being unable to log into my Hotmail account they never even had the decency to respond let alone help me in any way. I never heard from MSN and never got that account back. Because of it, I don’t think I would want to bother with Hotmail, and Gmail’s not good either because Google has lousy security lately for some reason. I would probably create another Yahoo account if I was going to do anything at all.

Tom said to be sure I don’t go to the sites that have been signing me up for their newsletters and sign anyone up for them myself, pointing out that while he thinks it’s probably just spam, it could also be the pigs trying to bait me.

Yeah, I know that. Believe me, the pigs are the first to come to mind when anything suspicious happens, but I agree with him in that it’s most likely spam. The whole world has this email addy, thanks to my sweeping days and all the sites that sold my main email addy and the sites that were hacked like Sony and other big-name sites.

Later…

Made another book sale which is good, but still not able to get in the mood to work on my current book. When I’m not working around the house or working out, lately I’ve been watching movies, reading books, and writing in my journal. I’ve got to get off this lazy trend I’ve been on.

I keep telling myself I should also try to make at least $5 every weekday on MT to help ward off the next “poor” spell, but I can’t seem to do that either. Is it because he makes a lot of money and because I don’t like working so long for slave wages? Probably. But I also think I pretty much figure that fate is fate. If we’re meant to suffer again we will no matter what I do to try to prevent it or make it easier. But I am helping in other ways like by not overspending. I’m not very materialistic anyway these days and I haven’t been for a few years now. I get a few things here and there but nothing extravagant like I did for about a decade until around 2008.

Gotta wonder what it is with me at times, though, when half the time I gotta push myself to write stories even when I’ve got tons of ideas, yet I just can’t stop writing in my journal. Hope I’m not overwhelming my email recipients.

I have doubts that Tom will ever be a permanent employee anywhere and I have doubts about an adult community at times, too. Oh, I still hope to rent in one someday so I’ll know for sure what it’s like. But sometimes what I think will be the case ends up not being the case at all. We came to Cali thinking we would have better lives. We were wrong. Life is certainly getting better and in some ways, it’s finally better than it was in Oregon. We don’t have to pay utilities here other than propane. Tom doesn’t lose a buck an hour for insurance he’ll never use. The taxes aren’t nearly as high here. People get paid time and a half for every day they work overtime even if they haven’t worked 40 hours yet for that week. The climate is better. The area is quieter. But look how long it took for things to get this way and there’s no saying how much longer it will last.

Your average temp job is 3-5 months according to what I just read, and temps, which are used by 90% of the companies out there, are fast becoming the norm. The temp craze isn’t just about a shaky economy but also a great way to get out of having to pay benefits as well, just as I figured was the case. Few temps become permanent these days. Some people are temps at the same place for years.

Maybe Tom should think of skipping the temp companies and look for a permanent job on his own if he wants benefits we could afford and the vacation and holiday time he deserves. Especially if he’s still a temp past March. The only problem is - where do you find a permanent job in Cali??? And when are there going to be laws to protect temps or at least a means of giving them affordable insurance and at least some vacation time, especially if the healthcare thing falls through?

Having so many things not turn out to be as I expected or at least hoped they would be is what makes me have doubts and concerns about an adult community. I know without a doubt I would never want to return to the mainstream part of the city or any kind of attached living. Apartments and condos simply aren’t me. But what if adult communities aren’t as peaceful as I’m told they are? We also don’t want to be stuck in a tiny old trailer forever either, so as Tom said, we’ll just have to really do our homework if and when the time ever comes when the opportunity to do so is there. I really hope we get to live in a real house again someday with adequate space. I miss it so much!

I also have my doubts about ever again winning up a storm like I used to, psychic or not. I was 1 of 7K entrants to win the Caribbean cruise I won in 2006. Well, I didn’t enter for it but there’s this trip on Facebook where all you have to do to be entered is “like” them, a very common way to enter sweeps. But they have over 51K likes! :( That’s why I don’t think I can ever win like I once did. From 2005-2008 not nearly as many people entered sweeps or had FB accounts and not many sweeps were run through them. The whole world enters sweeps these days! sighs But all good things do come to an end.

Saw a movie that took place on a cruise ship and made me wish we were cruising again. Especially after learning that its toughest moments were nothing compared to semi-smooth days at the extended-stay motel. Swimming in what seemed like a wave pool due to the ship’s movements was so much fun. I also want to read and write on the private veranda we had where I’m safe from bees and spiders, LOL. I miss the ocean mist blowing on my face like when it was storming and we’d kind of hang over the railing. Hell, it was even fun waving goodbye to all the people too, when we disembarked from that Fort Lauderdale port, right where “the dream people” are hinting we might one day end up. As it is I don’t think we’re gonna make the Italy trip, something I have mixed emotions about. I still hate to travel. It’s a pain in the ass and when you have a sleep disorder, can’t take your sound machine with you, and wake up to every little sound, you tend to be dragging during the daytime. They also seem pretty hateful in Italy, too. On the flip side, the language is beautiful, I know enough of it to get by, and a change if only for a week might do us good. A week would be about all I could stand anyway. I don’t know how many other entrants I beat out on this trip; I only know I won it by accident. I wanted the runner-up’s $1200 necklace to sell on eBay.

When the treadmill breaks or we sell it like maybe for a lighter move to Florida, Ft. Lauderdale or not, I want an elliptical machine for sure. They were doing that on the cruise in the movie, too. I like how it doesn’t need electricity and there is no impact on the joints. Also, I didn’t realize this but I like the handles that you sort of pull back and forth while you’re using it sort of like you’re skiing. It would help work the arms even more. Or maybe after we get moved if it looks like we’re gonna stick around a while and we have the space and the treadmill stays alive, I’ll get it anyway. Both would be nice to have for variety, but it’s way in the future unless this thing does crap out anytime soon.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 18, 2012 Irish homeowners now have the right to shoot intruders, so I just saw someone posted on Facebook.

But that’s the way it should have always been in every house, condo and apartment all over the world. Better later than never as far as doing what’s fair and what’s right, but I can tell you one thing for sure and that’s that I’ll never allow any law to dictate how I can and can’t handle intruders. I’ll handle them my way no matter what any law says, and while I don’t have a gun, you can bet your ass I’m going to do all I can to kill them. Not scare them off, not hurt them, but kill them. Even so, I’d rather not have to do so in the first place.

Heard the usual slew of barks, chainsaws and loud vehicles, but nothing got to the point of making me want to strangle anyone even though I’m in the perfect PMS mood to do a little ass-kicking to anyone deserving of it.

Yesterday’s hunger pangs sucked. Why does my body need closer to 2000 calories and not the usual 1500 before periods??? I managed to stop myself at around 1600 yesterday but today I think I’ll just let it have the 2 million damn calories. I’ve already had 700 in the 4 hours I’ve been up and I’m still hungry. Maiale cazzo!

I’m pissed off for Andy now and the way some of these fucking cocks are playing with his head much like women used to do with me when I was last single and still sometimes do online. Really, what the fuck do some of these bitches expect when either in person or electronically they send me kisses, hugs, phone numbers that just might not be bogus, and then shower me with flirtatious words – for me not to think they like me? Some of them really didn’t but that was part of their sick, strange and totally unnecessary games. Unfortunately, this is quite common amongst both gays and straights. Not sure what the point is in making someone think you like them when you don’t or hiding the fact that you really do like them, but it’s still a common occurrence.

I had a dream I told some guy on the phone in German that I hoped Nane got into a car accident. I could never hate her that much to wish that upon her. I know she was attracted to me and had feelings for me. No doubt about that much. She spelled it out enough times for me. It was the up and down and going back and forth that got to me and had she not dumped me, sooner or later I’d have dumped her.

If someone who never claimed to like me one day fessed that they did or vice versa – fine. But don’t like me and dislike me and like me and dislike me and back and forth!

But Andy’s getting it worse than just some occasional online games because he is lonely, single and horny and doesn’t have a soul mate that loves him unconditionally when the online fun isn’t so fun anymore. I just wish, like he does, that they wouldn’t lead him on and play games. Like it was 20 years ago, sex is in, relationships are out. But must you say you’ll get together with someone you have absolutely no intentions whatsoever of getting together with? Really, what’s the point of that? It doesn’t make you money. It doesn’t guarantee you a longer life. So what’s the point???

At the same time, one can’t make be what simply isn’t to be. I hope that’s not the case for Andy, though, and that he just wasn’t meant to meet Mr. Right till later in life.

I’m also concerned about how perverted he’s become. Not that he’s literally any kind of pervert but all he seems to want to talk about is sex and it gets old. So do the disgustingly dirty pictures he loves to post. IMO these aren’t the least bit sexy or classy in any way. They’re perverted and gross. Why didn’t his appetite dwindle with age like most people’s?

I wonder if perhaps he’s coming on a bit too strong and that’s scaring people off. If people suspect you want a relationship and not just sex they tend to run. Same with if you come across as desperate and like you live, breathe and eat nothing but sex. Either way, that’s no excuse for their games. However, we can’t control other people’s feelings and behavior. We can make them not like us but we can’t make them like us. We can do things we think will make them happy and we can tell them jokes we think will make them laugh, but we can’t make them love us or lust for us. Maliheh wasn’t attracted to me 20 years ago. She isn’t now. And she never will be in another 20 years either. Give a sane hottie like her a brain tumor or disfigure their faces, then they’d be all over me and making me wish to hell they’d just go away and leave me the hell alone. There’s bad luck and then there are clear and evident patterns. I hate to say it. So much so that I’ll be sure to cut this part out of his journal copy, but I think he’s meant to spend the rest of his life alone. I just don’t know why. When I know why I wasn’t meant to be with a woman (not that I regret Tom) and when I know why we’re meant to struggle most of our lives, then maybe I’ll know why he’s meant to be alone.

Another troll-free day so far. She deleted all her Blogger blogs and her Thoughts blog and made one post apologizing for the things she said. Yeah, we’ll see how long that lasts.

I went Florida dreaming again last night but it made no sense. I hope that just the fact that I dreamed of living there is what means something other than just wishful thinking because some of the details made no sense at all. For one, we were sitting on a tiny dock overlooking a man-made inlet. This dock was apparently ours and only ours but in reality, we could never afford to live on or by the ocean or any kind of an inlet like that where people have their own docks.

Also, Tom was saying that the last person he showed the house to (I assume in Cali) was this bitchy woman who complained about everything. I guess I wasn’t around when he showed the house. This is still another thing that doesn’t make sense. If we own a house it means we had enough money to buy it outright. Well, if we had that kind of money I doubt we’d buy a place in this state.

I just liked the fact that we were there:) I also like the record number of dreams I’ve been having about living there and that I hope isn’t just a reflection of wishful thinking. Do I think the dreams mean something? Yeah, I do. If I weren’t psychic and had never had experiences with things like dream premonitions, then I wouldn’t know what to think. But while I’d prefer the ones where I called my folks to tell them we made it safely across the country and nothing out of the ordinary happens, Florida dreamin’ is still Florida dreamin’ and – OMG, Ft. Lauderdale! I swear one of us mentioned Ft. Lauderdale!

Just looked on Google Maps. What a coincidence that it’s right above Miami. It’s closer to Miami than Naples where Aly said she might go, but there’s a road that shoots straight across the lower peninsula from Ft. Lauderdale to Naples.

Wouldn’t it be funny if we ended up in a Miami hotel while we looked into a Ft. Lauderdale senior rental?! Actually, it doesn’t really matter where in the state we end up if we get there. I just might not like it up by the panhandle where the weather may not be as nice or too far inland even though it’d be safer there.

Anyway, the best part of the last Florida dream was the sense of contentment I felt sitting on that dock. I sat Indian-style next to Tom who sat in a chair. There was a beautiful breeze and I marveled over the fact that I could throw on a bikini and go tanning if I wanted to even though it was the dead of winter and Miss Pale As Hell was never very good at tanning.

In another split-second scene, I was standing in front of what I guess was where we lived. I can’t describe the house I “saw” but the walkway seemed to have many flowering bushes flanking it. I was relieved to know the sun was setting so the bees hovering about them would soon fuck off.

I would really like to know who’s been signing me up for every newsletter in the world. Just last night I got a message from some company saying, “Welcome to so and so,” as if I’d just signed up.

Still no shit from the haters, pigs or anything connected to them and I hope it stays that way. I realized, for whatever it’s worth, that regardless of what they did to set me up and make me look bad enough for a “case,” there are two things they had last time that they don’t have this time – no phone call, no physical evidence.

Later…

Ever had an idea that’s so good but also so bad at the same time? Well, there’s this scummy trailer park not far from here. We’ll never have 100K to buy a house with, but I bet it wouldn’t take nearly as much to buy an old shit trailer (maybe even smaller and dumpier than this one) and buy a lot in one of these dumpy parks. Maybe 10-20 grand? Where it would be so good and so bad is that it would be good in that it would be ours to do as we pleased when we wanted to without having to have our schedules revolve around some pesky landlord. It would also be good in that we wouldn’t have any payments to have to make if we owned it outright, other than for utilities.

Where it would be bad is that I’d be absolutely miserable in some “cheap” trailer park. The noise levels would be so insane to the point that it made the noisiest moments here seem rather comatose. I would never be able to get any peace while I was awake and I doubt I’d get much sleep there either. Oh, the welfare bums that would be crammed like sardines into the place! We would also still be cramped into a tiny place, one that may even be smaller and older than this one, and we’d have to pay to fix whatever broke.

Tom had quite a scare at work yesterday. They called a bunch of people in for a meeting, and although I haven’t had any nightmares of a particular kind – the kind that spells trouble ahead for us – he thought they were gonna be told that they lost their contract and that they would all be laid off. Instead, it was just about changing bosses. I guess they shuffled them around from certain areas or something like that. Tom now works in two different departments. We just gotta hope they don’t slow down before the next 4-5 weeks or so! Not being able to move would be one thing, but not being able to get unemployment if they do lay him off is another.

Obviously, he’s never going to get a permanent job as long as we remain in this state. It’s all temps here. If you can come to Cali and get a permanent job, something up there really loves you! But as I told Andy, if those Florida dreams mean anything, then we’re moving there anywhere from soon to 11 years when he retires. However, I can’t believe I’d start having these dreams 11 years in advance. I would think we’d be 5 years or less away from moving there if we really do end up doing that.

Yesterday I didn’t sleep any better than I would have had I been in that dumpy trailer park, a motel or some of the apartments I’ve lived in. I kept waking up every few minutes, it seemed, but I never sleep as well in the daytime anyway. On the positive side, the less I’m up during the day, the less I hear of Jesse.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 17, 2012 Today’s been pretty quiet. The car was still at the end of the drive, so we saw last weekend when we went out to eat, so I don’t know if it’s been sold yet.

I’m still sluggish with PMS fatigue and filled with enough water to shame the Sacramento River, but I’m doing what I gotta do. I just gotta really push myself to get things done.

I did some cleaning and a light workout but am continuing to laze out of working on my book. Part of that is due to staying up later and later when it’s peaceful enough to watch movies without arf, arf, arf! Like I said before, I can’t watch movies with sound machines, but I can write with them.

When I got up I was surprised to see the troll hadn’t been looking for me for over 14 hours. Then Alison messaged me to say she was surprised as well with a pleasant response to her message to the troll’s mother. Mrs. M said she was sorry and that she would no longer be bothering her or her friends and to let her know if she does.

That’s great that she’s finally acknowledged her daughter’s problem, and as Aly said, if she can help keep Molly away from us, great. But how long will it last? How long? She’ll be back. She’ll be back sooner or later and we both know it. All we can do is enjoy whatever time off she gives us.

Made up a bunch of cat drafts for Maliheh. She loves cats, so I send a picture of one with my messages and journals. I’ve got 180 drafts, though about 10 of them are for Andy. Where Maliheh’s into cats, Andy’s into porn, but I’m afraid to send any dirty pics. I tried sending one of these two naked guys running down the street, but he said he couldn’t see it. When I checked my ‘sent’ folder it appeared as just a tiny gray square making me think someone’s watching and taking it upon themselves to censor my fucking messages, so I’m not going to bother. He’ll just get a mix of random pics instead, but 100s of cats are waiting to help read my journal to Maliheh:)

Wow, it’s after 4pm and still no hubby. Could the guy be back to OT?

The food subsidy people told us what we figured they’d tell us since he made $3200 last month; to buzz off. I don’t think it will be that much this month cuz things are a little slower, but it should still exceed their qualifications.

Tom just got home. No OT. Just a car fire that slowed traffic down instead, but work should be picking up next week.

MONDAY, JANUARY 16, 2012 Between PMS, cold weather, hours of barking and living in what’s generally an unfair world that no one seems to even want to try to fix, I’ve got a lot of anger in me right now.

I was right in predicting Molly’s behavior which is rapidly spiraling out of control, and I don’t have to be psychic or have a psychology degree to know it’s only going to get worse till she actually does do something like kill her parents in her sleep like she’s written twice in her blog about wanting to do. It’s not her threatening her parents that pisses me off. I don’t give a shit about her parents. Her parents are nothing but enablers who won’t wake the hell up and smell the coffee where their crazy daughter is concerned. In fact, I wish she would hurt them because that’s probably what it will take to finally get this nut in a controlled environment so she can no longer stalk and harass people she’s obsessed with online.

It’s the fact that she’s been making more and more threats and getting away with it that pisses me the fuck off. I’m SICK of seeing so many people get away with threatening and harming others while those that do get in trouble have done little to nothing at all! That’s what pisses me off.

“She’s crazy,” Tom tried to reassure me, “and she is paying. Legally isn’t the only way to make someone pay for something. She’s miserable all the time and she has a miserable life.”

That may be so, but that’s not good enough for me. It’s just not good enough. I want to see her arrested and dragged through the mud and not left to continue getting away with the very same thing I was accused of and had to have my life turned upside down for. She’s sitting there threatening people at will and no one’s doing a damn thing about it! How fucked up is that?!

I couldn’t figure out why I was so sluggish all day till I realized my period is less than a week away. So my hunger levels are up and my energy levels are down.

Jesse was out all day so I got barking instead of loud motors to have to listen to, but there is some good news. Alison is cancer-free! Yes!

The temps have really taken a nosedive and we’re making up for lost time, you could say. It got into the low 20s last night! That’s super cold for this area. Tonight it’s to get down to 24º. wishes she’d moved to Florida The rain’s been bumped up a day from Wednesday to Thursday.

I’m just glad no one came to the door or emailed me in regards to the freeloaders. This helps ease some of my anger over life’s injustices in general. I’d rather be pissed at watching others get away with shit than see myself made to pay for nothing. I’ve been wonderfully relaxed, too. I can’t believe I was practically shitting bricks over the prospect of Molly’s mom coming after me but am oh so calm where the crazies, who have already screwed me over, are concerned. Maybe that’s because I resigned myself to the fact that hey, I am not going to have my life ruined simply because I may’ve hurt someone’s precious little feelings or offended someone who wasn’t forced to read my stuff, by simply expressing my opinion. When I think about the Mexican pig’s words – a case has been against you – I’m like yeah, yeah, play this game by yourselves this time. I did NOTHING wrong.

Never with me, never with them.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 15, 2012 “Look towards your right,” Tom said as we eased onto the freeway earlier today. “Remember that?”

“Yes,” I said, wiping a tear from my eye. I was surprised at the unexpected surge of bad memories that arose from seeing the old storage place, among a few other similar sites in the city. For a few seconds, I could see right where we’d park when getting or bringing things to store. I remembered how in my moment of desperate panic and despair when I thought we weren’t going to make it, I contemplated smashing our stuff, particularly the collectibles, because I didn’t want anyone to profit from our deaths. Even the old oak tree I fell asleep under for 45 minutes during that 36-hour stint of homelessness still had a sad, tired look about it.

I tore my eyes from the grim reminders before they swept out of view as we curved around and onto the freeway and looked through the windshield straight ahead of me. I reminded myself that we didn’t have to return to a Walmart parking lot or a seedy motel in Sacramento’s Northgate area and that we could retreat to our safe and mostly peaceful little retreat in the woods where our expenses are much lower than they were in the fall of 2007. A smile of relief and contentment crossed my face.

Why am I such a wimp, though, compared to Tom? He is so strong compared to his sometimes emotional basket case of a wife. I mean I know I’m tough in a lot of ways. Going through a lot of the rough patches in life I’ve gone through has made me stronger in many ways. But in many ways, it weakens the spirit. PTS is no fun at all. I still have nightmares about being stuck in places like motels, funny farms, jails and Valleyhead. I was stuck in VH last night, as a matter of fact. But I wasn’t a kid again like I usually am in these dreams. We were all the middle-aged adults we are today but we still had to be there for some reason. I’d rather the 20,000-dollar abortions.

Red Lobster was the circus we figured it’d be. Actually, it was worse since it was between lunch and dinner when we went and we thought it’d be a little better at that time. We ordered to go but still had to wait half an hour.

I got the stuffed mushrooms and he got peppercorn steak with potatoes and salad with ranch dressing. He doesn’t do salads, but his wife and rat do. So we all enjoyed our feast to the tune of the wind chimes going crazier than usual since there was a storm rolling in. I’m sure mine is the only rat that ate like a king today in the entire state of Califuckedup (yes, Andy, I know you’ll love that one).

Along with their signature Cheddar Bay Biscuits, the stuffed mushrooms were great and so were the mashed potatoes. Very buttery and creamy. The steak, however, was a bit tough, dry and definitely too peppery.

The troll is now wishing her mother would die too, along with Alison for calling her an ungrateful child. She sure does act like a child and she sure has a lot of hate and anger in her. More than I ever had at my angriest of times. She also admitted to stalking people, particularly Alison, and using others to try to pass messages to her. But the back-and-forth contradictions and hypocrisy live on. She wrote in one post that she was leaving thoughts.com because she feels like she is the most hated member there (gee, I wonder why) and that her parents don’t want her blogging anymore because of the shit she says. Yet barely an hour later she makes a post introducing herself as if she were brand new to the site.

Due to how cruel and horrifying her words have become, Alison contacted her mother on Facebook, though she admits it may not do her any good. I hate to say it but I think it will take something a lot more drastic than their darling daughter just threatening them before they wake up and smell the coffee where she’s concerned and stop defending and making excuses for her. Something’s going to actually have to happen like Molly actually harming someone. I wonder if it’s getting close to that point, too.

If I myself ever want to go back to blogging in peace I’ll probably have to do it under an alias and change the names of my friends and family as well. But I want to wait a while for those other reasons besides Molly. Yeah, tomorrow the pig stress is back on. I’m not scared, but I’m a bit worried. Tom assures me Arizona has no jurisdiction over me and that the worst that could happen would be the local cops questioning me, but let’s hope it doesn’t even come to that! Still, I’d rather be questioned than arrested, and worse… extradited, tried, convicted and jailed.

Later…

I deleted my thoughts.com blog even though it only had like 20 entries in it. I started to mark my profile private but then decided to leave it public because I’m curious to see when and if the troll will give up on checking on me. She’s still pretty consistent. Not every other minute like she used to check in on me when I was writing there, but every hour or so. Sadly, I think that as long as she can get online unsupervised, she’ll check all my abandoned/private/public sites every day for the rest of her life. That’s why going under an alias at an undisclosed location will probably be my best bet if I go public blogging again, along with changing the names of friends and family. I won’t even tell them about it. They can just keep on getting direct entries via email or Facebook. Public blogging, if I return to it, will be just for fun and not a means of keeping friends and family up to date like it used to be. From what I’ve heard, it’s okay to use a pen name as long as you don’t claim to be the president or anything like that.

I almost deleted my MD and MO blogs but couldn’t do it. Not something I can just “kill” easily anymore than the one on my hard drive and that’s a 24-year journal. Does one throw away 24 years of printed life that easily, even if some of it was no joyride? When October 27, 1987 rolled around, I picked up a pen and never looked back. Only difference is I traded pens for keyboards 5 years into it. Pink, purple, black, blue, red, green…I’ve discussed my days in so many different colors and in 5 different states. Well, more than 5 states and even more than just this country since I did do a little writing in Florida and at sea when we went cruising to the Bahamas and Puerto Rico. Would’ve done it in the Grand Turks too, had a storm not made the waters too dangerous to try to dock in.

Marie used to say that the best way to go out of this world would be with a beer in one hand and a woman in the other. With me, I’d take Tom in one hand and my journal in the other.

One of Sharyn’s sisters was down in Florida visiting her mom when she was swimming on her back in a pool and rammed her head against the side of it. The next day she felt woozy and was taken to the hospital where it was discovered that her brain was bleeding. She must’ve been swimming super fast and really rammed it hard!

We did more fine-tuning and setting up on my PC. It sucks too, cuz I feel like I’m learning computers all over again as I learn the new ways of doing things on the Mac. We swapped mice too, since mine was acting up. Mice and I don’t seem to get along. Glad I got a rat! Although he’s not usually stupid enough to do something he knows he’s not supposed to do when I’m watching, if I’m in the other room and he can get into it, he will. Tom and I were in one room working on my computer and I forgot that the rat had been out for a while in the other room. So I went to check on him and sure enough, the furry little pervert was pulling my panties out of the hamper.

Tomorrow it’s back to working off the weight I gained over the weekend. When am I going to stop doing that and stop gaining on weekends what I took off during the week?

I think of good things. Good things going on today and good hopes for tomorrow. And then the freeloaders and pigs pop into mind and ruin it all. Will they really just sigh and realize that yes, I am out of their jurisdiction and give up on me? Or will they refuse to let me go and then do whatever they have to do, legal or not, to get at me? Really, will I be forced to go down there and remove them from my ass somehow, some way, or will they just let me be and go chase murderers, rapists and child molesters?

How I spent so many years in the past wishing they would just forget about me! Always with me, always with them. That’s what I used to feel my whole life was and would be when it came to the haters and how they affected my life both directly and indirectly. Those I wish would remember me more often if ever at all never seem to do so while those I wish would just forget about me and go away forever cling to me like the most faithful of lovers.

To help ease my anxieties I try to let my creative side come out to play and make a game of the weekday stress I will go through for probably some time to come, especially since Tom’s not around then. Why couldn’t this have happened when he was on unemployment? Ah, but on the flip side, we’ve now got money saved to run with if need be. On unemployment, how could we run? We’d probably have to run to a cheap, noisy apartment, but it would be much better than jail, out of their jurisdiction or not. Yeah, I know. The PTSD is just making me paranoid. Like crazy paranoid.

So in my mind, I will have a gorgeous foreign bodyguard looking out for me when he’s not here. :)

It’s what they framed me with that worries me. Tom says there’s no point in worrying since I can’t control them and what’s done is done, but I can’t help but wonder and worry about it just the same, and whether or not there’s a connection between them and whoever was in my computer.

Tomorrow will make one week since the pig emailed me and if I hear anything else from the cock I’m going to go from concerned to pissed. But why oh why did the Mexican pig have to email the black pig to say a case had been made against me??? This one has me baffled as hell. Tom said they just pulled off addies I’d sent unwanted stuff to, but then why wasn’t the black bitch herself emailed? Didn’t she get unwanted stuff? Isn’t my hurting someone’s feelings, pissing them off, and bruising their ego what started this shit? I don’t even know that I did in fact email anything to the black pig. I know I sent a message or two to the company holding that contest when we were up in Oregon, and I know I bashed the cock on Rate My Cop but that’s it. And what about the one with the invalid domain? What the hell was that about? I’m suspecting it was a trap of sorts. I think they hope I’ll panic at the thought of the black pig being contacted in regards to me or that it’ll piss me off and make me contact him. But I know that even in the toughest state in the country they simply cannot make a “case” out of anything I’ve ever sent. It’s just not enough. Nothing I sent could possibly constitute as threatening or even slightly bordering on “hateful” in the kind of way I’m sure the black bitch wishes it did. Unless they made it look that way and this is what worries me most.

Tom says they can’t set a court date if they can’t serve me, but that’s not what I’ve heard. First of all, I think they can have me served if they really want to (probably at this address since this is the one tied in with the net), and secondly, I heard that a summons is still valid as long as they send it to your last known address whether you’re there or not. This means that they’re going to set a date for me to be arraigned, with or without my knowing about it just like they did shortly after we got into the Maricopa house, and then there’ll be a default warrant on me when I don’t show up. I’d love to check for warrants now since they usually arraign you within days of making a case, but I could be being watched. I want to appear as oblivious to them as possible if I appear at all. Tom still promises that going off the grid will do the trick because that way I don’t exist.

But I do exist and unfortunately so do these hateful, vengeful assholes that may not want to give up on me so easily and that may want to relentlessly pursue me as if I’d actually done something other than express myself and as if I’d actually hurt someone. They made me feel like such a criminal 12 years ago! Just such a total criminal. Even I had to remind myself at times that hey, I didn’t kill anybody. I didn’t even slap them. There’s no Failure to Appear on me so yeah, it was a scam. It better be!

looks upward and wonders Will God protect me this time? Or will He throw me to the lions, sit back and watch while He leaves me completely helpless against these whackos? Please, God! Please don’t beat me over the head with these people! It’s not funny. It wasn’t funny the last time. It won’t be funny if there’s a next time either. Please, please, don’t do it!

SATURDAY, JANUARY 14, 2012 Today’s adventures in Computer Land consisted of trying a 30-day trial of one of Mac’s word processors called Pages and I wasn’t happy with it. So we configured MW some more in its virtual box. Still not sure if I’ll get Win7 and upgrade to that but I sure am tempted to at times. Mac = crap safer or not!

I am worried, however, about just what the hell they did when they broke into my computer. It’d be just my shit luck to have to go down for someone else’s evil deeds. That’s one of the few things that are much better about Mac. No doubt about it. Microsoft can, for example, decide to disable illegally obtained word processors if they want to from functioning in Win7. And that’s not all they can do. Windows is changing constantly and has many loopholes that allow them (and others) to get at your stuff and basically do what they want with it. With Mac, your stuff is not only much, much harder to get at, but your stuff is your stuff and no one can alter its settings or control it in any way. So again I gotta wonder – who was on my computer before I climbed out of Windows and why? What did they do? We know they were using me as a proxy to hide behind but to do what?

Not as much in the way of annoying vehicles today, but Jesse just had to come and go at least once on the motorcycle. It was barely 10am, though, and they’d already started in with the sawing. Jesse came down here on the ATV not just to check the pipes and tank in back but because he was worried someone may be sawing on the back of his land. The sawing did stop as soon as he came down here, but what’s up with all the damn sawing anyway? It’s never been this bad any other year we’ve been here, so why now? How much firewood can one possibly need in a place that doesn’t get that cold? It’s been so unusually warm that we don’t need the heat from around 10am - 8pm. It’s supposed to finally rain next week and I hope it’s more than just a drizzle! Especially during the daytime.

Why can’t I have the kinds of crazy, unrealistic and downright impossible dreams I had last night? Especially with my history of having too many bad dreams come to life. I was getting an abortion, apparently, and Tom told me to run back inside as we were on our way out, to get this coupon he had for a $300 discount on the procedure.

“How much is it anyway?” I asked him and he said it was $20,000.

“$20,000?!” I asked with surprise. “Forget it then. We’ll get rid of it ourselves.”

I was also floating on a raft on some strange-looking ocean, too.

Alison had a nightmare about Molly flying to Iowa to try to track down her ex who doesn’t want anything to do with her (she has mentioned this in her blogs) but instead she stopped in Nebraska and somehow knew her address. She showed up at her place screaming, “The cancer didn’t kill you so I will!” and then went on to attack her.

This really has Aly shaken up. Even though Molly’s supposedly got some kind of muscle condition, the sicko was an usher for a few years at a movie theater, so she says she would think she could still put up a fight if she wanted to, and is 6” taller than her. Aly’s short like me. She said that if she mentions actually heading to Iowa, she and Dustin will stay somewhere else for a while. Better to be safe than sorry, and she pointed out how I said I’d fear for her safety if Molly could get around easier and wasn’t as stupid as she is.

Molly Rose M, you are hereby welcome to come to NorCali any day. Really, I’d love a visit from you. I guarantee you I’m no one you could take. :)))

FRIDAY, JANUARY 13, 2012 I should be working out right now but the pound I gained from that extra meal I just had to have yesterday is not very encouraging. I just can’t get up the nerve to “discipline” myself with cutting my tongue, puking or anything else. When I’m hungry, I just eat.

Jesse was amazingly quiet yesterday, but that’s because he was gone most of the day. This was obvious by the barking that started at 7am and tapered off a couple of hours later. I wonder if someone’s living up there with him and if they drove in in something quiet at around 9am. Jesse wouldn’t be so quiet if he was there and the dogs wouldn’t be so quiet if they were alone.

Later…

I made myself work my arms, abs and do at least a little running.

I’ve already heard that damn truck 3 times so far today but no barking. They could go ballistic tonight since it’s Friday if he decides to go out tonight. I usually keep the sound machines on throughout the weekends anyway but haven’t turned them on yet.

Wow, it’s gonna come close to hitting 70º today. It’d be a good day to air the place out a bit.

Maliheh has proven that we really can usually trust our gut instinct. I’ve been suspecting she’s basically been doing what Nane did by going longer and longer between messages and all that, so last night I sent an ecard that provides pickup confirmation (she wouldn’t know that) asking what was up with her. Sure enough, the card was picked up but not replied to.

Tom said she thinks she’s just been busy. So busy she can’t even send a quick message saying she’s alive and well? Besides, how busy can she be at 10:00 at night?

So I waited a while and sent another card giving her the last week’s worth of journals and it too was picked up. So yeah, she’s doing one of those slow fade-out routines. No doubt about it. In other words, she’ll probably email me soon to say she’s been sick or busy, but the gap between messages will widen till she one day disappears forever. I just don’t know if she’ll quietly disappear or if she’ll accuse me of some bullshit as Nane did in the end and then dump me. Oh well, it’s her choice. But it explains some things like why she never added me on Facebook. It wasn’t just about keeping me away from her friends; she could’ve hidden me from them. I think she forgave me, feels like she made up for the past by being my friend for a while, and now she’s slowly walking away since she’s sick of me and I was never her type anyway. There’s also the fact that she may’ve friended me long enough to see to it that her name was kept out of the book.

Even though Maliheh specifically told me she’d be my friend as long as I wanted to be hers, I realize you can’t always go by what people say. After all, Nane said it’d be a shame if I dumped her but then she turned around and dumped me. Twice.

Later…

Ended up hearing from Maliheh after all. Sure enough, she said she’s been sick and busy and wasn’t happy that I was airing out her business unless it was in just a private message to her in which case she was sorry for jumping to conclusions. I assured her I wasn’t discussing her online with anyone else, and she went on to tell me she wasn’t mad at me, once she’s someone’s friend she’s their friend, and she’s going through a rough patch with her mom and work that never ends.

Do I believe her? I just don’t know anymore. She sounds believable but I just don’t know for sure what’s going through her mind.

I’ve got a window open in every room. Heard someone drive up and set Brandy off for a minute, and then some thumps that I guess may be car doors. What is he doing now, dealing? Nah. He may be hard up for bucks since he has a kid, but I think he’s just typical where visitors are concerned. That’s one of my concerns about an adult community. Everyone but us seems to have company just about every day and sometimes many times a day. I don’t want to have to sit and listen to car doors slamming galore.

There goes the motorcycle which means there goes the barking unless someone’s up there. I’m gonna put the sound machines on nonetheless. This is the fifth distraction already and it’s not even noon.

Tammy hasn’t seemed to be on FB which is alright with me. Besides, if she’s like most people she’ll start a journal for a while but won’t stick with it. You have to really love to write to stick to things like journals and stories and this is the first she’s ever mentioned writing in the 46 years she’s been my sister.

Yesterday I was bummed, bored and void of energy. Not depressed or stressed but I was just in one of those lazy moods and because I just couldn’t motivate myself to do much, I was bored. I didn’t work on my story or do much of anything. I mostly watched movies, read and listened to music. Oh, and I did study some more of that ugly German and do the dishes.

Because I was in such a lazy mood without much energy, I wandered into the troll’s bullshit blog once again to find she’s supposedly recanted, saying she feels bad for wishing in her blog that Alison would die of cancer and is sorry for it. Then she admits to needing to get offline because she’s not acting responsibly, blaming it on having a mental illness and saying she’s trying to figure out what to do about it and how to get over her anger at her former friends. Every now and then she appears to know right from wrong and to be genuinely sorry for the mean and hateful things she’s said and with a desire to correct the error of her ways. But just hours or days later she’s right back to the same old shit with seemingly no concept of right and wrong, no guilt, no empathy, no compassion, and no desire to change. The sick and twisted obsession of stalking and reaching out to those who have told her to go away lives on.

Although I’m sick of public journaling and the time it was taking up to deal with “fans,” and am determined to stay out of Molly’s radar for the entire year, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if she were right where she is now come the end of 2012 – living with her parents, jobless, and chasing those that don’t want a damn thing to do with her. She still checks for me multiple times a day on thoughts.com.

I did get a kick out of her writing something about being paranoid that we’re out to get her and are plotting against her with the police. It’s nice to see her paranoid for once! But that’s anything but true. The pigs don’t give a shit and I still think that most people that call them do it out of spite and not because they truly fear for their safety.

I feel bad for Aly and Kim and not just because the troll makes it hard for them to ignore her, but because from the sound of Kim’s tweets, she may lose her dad soon, and Aly’s in the hospital. She said just when she thought her health couldn’t get any worse she ends up with a lung infection. I just hope she’s cancer-free! She was supposed to get her test results today. That girl is so, so cursed physically! I don’t tell her this, of course, but Aly’s not stupid. She knows damn well God has it in for her just like He usually has it in for us. Only difference is God uses money to beat us down and not our health. Seriously, if there is a God at all He is so hateful, merciless and void of compassion that it’s scary. But I do try to avoid cussing Him out when the shit hits the fan for fear of Him spiting me for it by adding more shit to hit the fan with. He just seems so vengeful.

I changed usernames on Formspring and Twitter to throw the troll off and even protected my tweets. But then Andy mentioned my Formspring account being deactivated when I didn’t deactivate it. I sent those Formfuckers a message, but haven’t heard back from them. They’ve always been a glitchy site and I wonder if the name change has anything to do with it. Since I was never a big fan of the site I’m probably not going to fight too hard to restore the account. I know Andy liked my backgrounds and being able to post his favorite lines from my journals, but I can send graphics in emails and he can post faves in other places. Meanwhile, we can still play on his page; I just appear anonymous.

German grammar is such a joke. Not only cuz there are 12 different ways to pluralize things but because of things like the uses of the word come. We say “come here” whether it’s to someone we know well or not and regardless of how many people. But in German, you must say “kommen hier” if it’s formal and for those you don’t know well. The informal usage is “komm hier” for one person and “kommt hier” for more than one person. How fucked up is that? Kommen, komm, kommt… why can’t they all just “come here?!”

The descriptive gender words in romance languages drives me nuts, too. In Italian a fat woman is grassa while a fat man is grasso and a group is grassi. Why can’t we all just be fat! LOL

THURSDAY, JANUARY 12, 2012 I am so pissed off right now between Jesse, the black bitch and Molly. Molly hasn’t done much to me directly lately but she is continuing to spew such hate and anger towards Alison that I’ve gone from feeling bad for Alison to literally wanting to beat the shit out of Molly for the mean shit she’s been saying, just words or not. She still jumps back to saying she wants to be friends and is missing her oh so much, but it’s getting to be more and more “I hate Alison and hope the cancer kills her” kind of shit and to not go to her blog because she’s such a terrible person, then she posts the link to it.

What the hell’s the matter with Thoughtsthat they sit there and let her get away with this shit? She’d never have been able to say this shit on the old Kiwibox site. It’s just ridiculous! And wrong and unfair. It only deepens my own anger and hatred toward the black bitch that can have me investigated and God knows what else while this crazy little shitster carries on with her usual shit that’s gone on for years. When did I ever say I hoped the black bitch would die and post links saying to stay away from her because she’s not a good person? Molly’s just one step shy of actually making threats. My God, I hope she kills herself or that her parents wake the fuck up! I’d love for them to wake up in the middle of the night to find their darling daughter standing over their bed with a knife in hand. Would they be such protective enablers then?

She finally wrote about the day she went off on her parents and got committed for it. She said her mother could’ve had her arrested for threatening to kill her but didn’t. Oh, but they can arrest me for what’s supposed to be the same thing, right? She said her father was in her face and screaming at her while pointing his finger. It had to do with wanting to see one of the guys she’s harassed for years up in Iowa who doesn’t even want to know she exists. He then took her by the wrist and made her sit in a chair after putting her in a headlock for threatening to kill her parents and then she said she called the cops on him. “I hate living with my parents!” she screams in her blog. “I have no freedom!”

How can say she has no freedom when everything is done for her? Her shelter and food and utilities are all paid for, she doesn’t have to work, and she’s allowed to sit on her ass all day and harass people online yet she doesn’t have any freedom? WTF??? Really, just WTF?!?!

But the sad thing about it is that she could never hold a job long enough to support her own damn self. She’s just too fucked in the head.

I love how she’s complaining about colds, nose bleeds and stomach pain. Gee, I wonder why! Have I been a “nasty influence” on the black bitch too, or has God been protecting her from that, too?

Just like she needs to stop reading certain people’s blogs, I really gotta stop reading hers. It’s like her addiction rubbed off on me somehow. But why read what’s only going to be the same old, same old fucking shit until she graduates to threats?

Let me bitch about Jesse before I get to the hater. He damn near drove me batshit crazy yesterday gunning and running vehicles on and off throughout a 10-hour period, but the car is gone so maybe it’s been sold. I heard like 4 different vehicles up there yesterday (truck, ATV, motorcycle, dirt bike), except for maybe the bulldozer, and of course there was a barking spree thrown in, too. He’s really taken what country living is supposed to be all about, and I just hope and pray that Tom doesn’t get laid off and nothing happens to stop us from getting out of here this summer. Things have slowed down at work. He hasn’t even had any OT lately, though they did say something about the first week of the month being slower.

Tom said Jesse didn’t seem to be around last Thursday since the trash was still there when he got back, and from the sound of the dogs which have been barking for nearly two hours, I’d say he’s out this Thursday as well. It really pisses me off to need sound machines going just to hear myself think and to be able to concentrate on my writing. Sometimes I just want to hear nothing but the sounds of nature but he won’t let me have that much unless it’s at night. Well, as long as it’s not a night that he’s out somewhere. They say it’s going to FINALLY rain next week. That’ll keep him off some of his vehicles, especially the Harley and the dirt bike, so long as we don’t get just a drizzle.

I don’t mind taking a break from public blogging to get away from Molly if only for a year, but it makes me feel controlled by that fucking black bitch down south all over again. I’ll do what I have to do in order to protect myself from once again being wrongfully arrested, prosecuted, convicted and fucked over, but still…here I am all these years later having to once again alter my behavior because of her.

Tom says they can’t serve me because I’m not in Arizona, I don’t use an Arizona driver’s license, and it’s not something like murder, but the dream I had last night was a little scary. There weren’t pigs camped outside the door waiting to legally kidnap and haul me away, but some woman called and informed me in a snotty tone that I would be receiving a summons to appear in court. Playing dumb I asked why and she said something to the effect of my blog pissing people off. I then made some kind of reference to Tom after hanging up about the possibility of me being in deep shit depending on just how many people that may be.

Tom keeps insisting I’m just paranoid, it wasn’t a real cop, and I’ll be fine as long as I stay off the grid. I hope he’s right. No, he is right! He is right because I will not let Arizona have me once again!

Anyway, it’s frustrating wanting to watch a movie now but knowing it’s pointless since the barking in the background will only be distracting.

It’s also frustrating when I can’t make up my mind. Continue to put up with this Mac crap as it is? Get Word for Mac? Windows 7?

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 11, 2012 My arms are a bit sore after getting the new equipment and working out much harder. The muscle I’m gaining is amazing! You can see muscle definition on my entire body, but despite all the running I do, my legs are the least visible of it, especially up in the thigh area. Yet any idiot can look at me and see I work out hard even though I could still stand to lose some fat and inches. I’ve decided to space out my days off. Instead of taking the whole weekend off, I’m taking Wednesdays and Saturdays off. That way I don’t have two days off in a row.

Tom said Jesse’s trying to sell an old car that’s parked out by the main road. That would explain all the engine gunning and loud motors I’ve been hearing since people are probably coming around to test-drive the thing. It would also explain why he’s been zipping up and down the drive on the ATV. I’m sure I’ll have to hear all about it today, too. :(

Looks like the troll, who deleted her blogs and has started over like she always does, is back to sleeping. It hasn’t peeked in my blog for 10 hours.

I have been thinking about the shitsters in Arizona (like I can help it) and I really wonder just what the hell it is they want to charge me with. I have gone over it again and again in my mind as far as anything I ever sent and I am 100% sure I never said or did anything illegal. I can guarantee that much. This means they’ve got to have set me up and altered something I sent with threats and no doubt racial shit as well. They had to have. Unfortunately, the race card works well anywhere in the country, but what better state to play it in than Arizona?

I’m pretty sure we’ll be finding out just what the bullshit charges are or at least what they’re calling them as I really think a summons is next. Just like that person we once knew got a letter about their case first before they got a summons. Any idiot knows that a few mailings and a phone call hardly constitute “stalking” but that’s what they called it. What will they call whatever it is I supposedly did this time and is it a felony or a misdemeanor? I don’t think Arizona has many things that classify as just a misdemeanor, but like I said, I think we’ll be finding out soon.

Threats are a possibility too, but I think they’ll just go right for the summons rather than threaten to arrest me if I continue to ignore them or something like that. I really think it’s already hit the courts or is about to because I still think the pig would’ve said “A complaint has been filed or made against you,” and not “a case.” I just don’t think we’ve heard the last of this or that they’ll give up on me that easily, off the grid or not. I just wonder what God will use to sic this hater on me again if that’s what He’s really going to do. Last time he used my sister. Who/what will it be this time? It’s just that things tend to happen the more you’re anticipating them. The more you’re expecting a particular email or phone call from someone in particular, the more messages you seem to get until then and the more the phone tends to ring. Someone who’s maybe looking to try to sell you something shows up at your door when you think it’s the company you’re expecting. So does this mean the pigs will come down here for something totally unrelated and scare the shit out of me while they’re at it? Seriously, I may have vowed not to let them get to me, but that would still scare the living daylights right outa me!

As we know, a judgment can be filed without the defendant present in a lawsuit, but what about a criminal case? Can they just decide what my so-called punishment should be without me there? One that could entail a fine that they help themselves to from Tom’s paycheck? Again, I can’t imagine how the hell I could be fined, jailed or even just thrown on probation for anything I’ve done. I’ve seen some of Molly’s blogs. I know how she behaves online and she too, lives in a state with barbaric laws/sentences. But since no one black is involved and God seems to love to protect everyone but me may be why she continues to get away with stalking and trashing people online like she has for close to a decade.

I just know I’ve been set up. Whatever it is they’re planning to nail me with, I was framed. No doubt about it. And you know what? I don’t know what’s worse – getting nailed for something you did do or getting nailed for something you didn’t do. I will admit, however, that the thought of the black bitch going to court all over again all these years later just to find I’m not there is a touch amusing.

And I never will be there! I can’t make God look out for me, but I can look out for myself and I’ll be damned if I’ll let them victimize, abuse or control me or my life ever again! I will not report to any court or PO cuz they said so. I will not be dressed in their funny little uniforms! I will not be kept from my home, husband and pet! I will not eat their bland or overspiced food! I will not shower in their cold showers! I will not live in their concrete and steel world! I will not pay them money.

I will stay right here in this dumpy little trailer until my husband and I are ready to leave it.

Thinking back on what happened last time around, was I even technically under arrest when the black pig hauled my ass to Phoenix or was I just being dragged in for questioning that I could’ve refused but didn’t know I could? While it was dumb of me to open the door (I really thought they were looking for someone else and that if I just showed them my ID I’d be okay) I just wonder if I was actually arrested yet at the time. I could’ve sworn Tom said something about the pig telling either him or the queen that it “hadn’t been decided yet whether or not I’d be booked.” Then someone at the PD told some woman pig to “just file it for now.”

I’m a curious person that likes to know how things work, fucked up or not, and I wonder if I could’ve refused to go with them that day or if then they’d have arrested me upon refusal. I’ve been racking my brains trying to remember if I was ever shown an arrest warrant or Mirandized and I honestly don’t remember either way. I know I was arrested half a year later by the Mexican pig for the little court call I never received, but did the other pig(s) arrest me???

Whether or not someone threatens me or comes to question me, how will they react to my not appearing in court? That’s what I wonder. I worry about it a little, too. Will that make them try harder to screw me? I’d like to think that no state would spend the time and money to extradite someone for whatever threats and racial slurs they may’ve inserted into my messages, but stranger things have happened.

I’m just so sick of people trying to fuck with me for expressing myself. Be it by phone, by email, online… I’m sick of being treated like a child and told what to do! No one’s told me what to do as of yet in this case, but I’ll be damned if I’ll let them start and let them seize control of my life simply because someone couldn’t handle what I had to say or because they had to falsify evidence against me for something I didn’t even do. I don’t kill people, I don’t steal from them, I don’t burn people’s houses down; all I do is speak my fucking mind! If you don’t agree with it, don’t listen! I am so, so sick of people getting on me for words and not actions. Why don’t they wait till I actually do something before they fuck with me, not that I have any desire to do anything to anyone? Not unless they give me a reason to.

I wonder if the pigs will try to friend me with a bogus profile on FB or something to see what’s going on with me. I doubt they’d go that far, but I won’t accept any strangers. I’m keeping the friends I have but am not open to new buds no matter how hot they may be. I miss the social scene but I don’t. The variety in people, countries and comments was fun, but not the drama that sometimes came of it.

Was just reading back on the summer of 2000. I was arrested around 7/17 and was supposed to be arraigned on the 31st. But the fuckers fucked up the paperwork so it was bumped up to 8/3. So I guess they arraign someone pretty quickly after deciding they have a case against them, real or falsified.

The signs were there all along. My dreams said it all. Yeah, I was reading back on some of the nightmares I had at the time. I just didn’t know I was psychic at the time! Not in that way. The thing is, though, if someone’s gonna come after me to arrest or question me I probably won’t dream about it till the night before. So just because I feel “safe” and “ok” about the situation right now doesn’t mean trouble may not be coming next Monday. I still think they’ve either set an arraignment date or are about to.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 10, 2012 I don’t feel nervous but I guess I must be. Why else would I have shit 6 times in 30 hours? One more and I’ll plug my ass up for a day or two with anti-run pills.

The last thing I want to hear is Jesse’s daily barrage of engine gunning, but I’d also like to hear my surroundings, not that I plan to open up for any pigs. Unless Jesse lets them in or they kick their way in here or they ambush us in the drive, I have nothing to say to them.

Perhaps another reason I feel so calm is that I already made up my mind years ago that I would never let them fuck me over again. They got me once and they’ll never get me again. So let them make their “cases.” Let there be a thousand warrants, but this time they simply can’t have me.

Do I also feel calm because my psychic side (no bad dreams last night) knows I have nothing to fear like Tom says as long as I go off the grid? Maybe so, but if I’m kidding myself it isn’t going to be because I was dumb and naïve enough to open the door for them. They’d have to drag me out of here. And I won’t be honest with them like I was in the past by admitting to sending the journals, thinking the truth would set me free, so to speak, and that they’d leave me alone if I just “leveled” with them and told them what they wanted to hear.

Going off the grid is something I have mixed emotions about. I feel like they’re controlling me in a sense and I’ll miss seeing who comes around my blog and some of the comments I’d get, but I like the idea of a year or so off from the troll. I’m only blogging on Facebook – oh no! I hear the ATV. I hope he’s not coming down to tell me the pigs were questioning him about me! I think I’ll just blare the sound machine after all. Unless he really does come down here, I don’t want to hear his shit all day. I can’t concentrate on my writing and it’s just plain annoying even when I’m not writing.

So anyway, I’m only blogging for Facebook friends and via email for Andy. I’ve stopped all emails to Maliheh because I don’t know what the hell’s going on with her. I don’t know if I’ve been dumped or if she’s got some kind of crisis going on in her life, and right now all I care about is keeping crises out of my own life. Every time we get up, something or someone seems determined to pull us back down and I’ll be damned if I’ll let life or the people in it drag us through the mud again.

I may still tweet and do Formspring with Andy, but no blogging for about a year unless these sickos and pigs force me to acknowledge them. Tom guarantees going off the grid will do the trick, but I don’t know about that. I sure hope he’s right cuz there have been other times I thought I was done hearing from the law just to later find out I wasn’t. I dread checking my email, but again, ignorance isn’t always bliss. So yeah, even if they don’t come here I expect a slew of threats will be next. Call-us-or-we’ll-arrest-you type of threats. Then again, I don’t know that they’d be willing to let me in on anything else they may have in store for me from here on out.

I was mistaken in saying the pig emailed Tom, but I sure would like to know what the black pig has to do with this and why he was emailed. And how did they miss some of my email accounts?

I tweeted that I was unable to log into my main blog and that’s what I told others as well so they wouldn’t be curious and so that it wouldn’t look suspicious if the pigs were watching my online activity. I hate the idea of giving Molly the satisfaction of thinking she ran me off the site, but to hell with her. This is more important.

I know in my heart and from a logical standpoint that I did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG other than to say things people don’t want to hear and that pissed them off, but I need to act like I’m guilty as sin to protect myself from Arizona and its crazy laws/punishments. Arizona is chock full of corrupt pigs, lawyers and judges. Well, the whole country is, but Arizona’s one of the worst. I know what it’s like to be legally railroaded and victimized and I will NEVER let it happen again. I will deny, deny, deny just like Tom said if I’m ever questioned. I will also say I thought it was a scam since it was sent to multiple emails and that I thought the person might’ve been in another country and didn’t speak very good English since they said they “worked” for the PD and not that they “work” for them.

Tom said the less I give them and the less I seem to exist, the better my chances are of not being hassled. But each thing I do can add up. In other words, they wanted to get me for earlier pranks I pulled on the blacks, but it wasn’t enough. It was the journal and the call that ultimately gave them enough ammo to screw me.

But what did I do between October and now to “give them enough ammo?” Or were they just planning a case all along?

That’s another thing that bugs me is the usage of the word “case,” along with the fact that this time the pig that’s on my tail is a Mexican. Figures, huh? But they’re the ones that usually go after us whities when someone plays the race card. I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s been done, and God knows what evidence they may’ve falsified. Digital things can be easily manipulated. Tom said, though, that it’s just a police report from the statement the black bitch gave, but then why didn’t the pig say, “A complaint has been made against you” instead of “A case has been made against you?” That word really bugs me and I think they either already set a court date for what I guess would be an arraignment or they’re trying to find out my address to make a date and send me a summons. I don’t know if they need to know one’s address to do that, but I still think they could find out our addresses if they wanted to. And our phone numbers. I just hope that Tom’s right in saying that all he is is just a small-town cop trying to get me to put my foot in my mouth so they can nail me. The law mostly thrives on vengeance, not justice. If it were mostly about justice you wouldn’t have so many people getting off so easy or not even being charged in the first place.

We were talking about someone we knew in Oregon who had a full-blown criminal investigation going against them and had already reached the courts in which they were ordered but failed to appear. It was a felony, too. Anyway, Tom explained to me how they went off the grid and why they weren’t arrested and extradited being in another state and all that.

I just hope he’s right and that they’ll leave me the fuck alone! But I will say this… sometimes people can come to regret tapping one on the shoulder one too many times and forcing them to face them. Really, if you stick your hand in a hole in the ground, something just might bite you and make you sorry as hell:) Yes, sometimes fishing someone out of their little nest has a way of making us wish to hell we’d never gone fishing in the first place. And I promise that this time around I WILL make anyone responsible for turning my life upside down, should that happen in a legal way or not, sorry they were ever even born. I am, however, determined to do all I can to see to it that it doesn’t come to that but yes, I will kill for my freedom and I will die for my enemies at this point. Had I handled these people as I should have from the get-go things never would’ve snowballed and gotten so damn out of control! But I was too “nice” and “cooperative” and definitely naïve in some ways to stop the mountain from forming from the molehill. I just hope that for everyone’s sake, I don’t become an obsession to the pigs. I am white, like it or not, she’s black, and unfortunately there is history there.

Later…

I called my parents, wanting to see if Dad was feeling better. I’ve been concerned about him. Again, I know there’s nothing I could do from afar or even as his neighbor, but that still doesn’t mean I don’t care and worry about what’s going on. Fortunately, Dad himself answered. Ma was at the store. He said he was feeling better and he sounded it, too. Last time he sounded a bit winded.

He said he just finished my book and that it was good. Wow! That’s not only quite a compliment but I wasn’t sure he’d get through it, sick or not, LOL.

Why can’t we have a landlord that likes to do nothing but sit on his ass inside his house all the time? This isn’t the city for God’s sake! Yet nearly every day these woods are filled with the sounds of engine gunning, loud vehicles and chainsaws. I’m really getting sick of the daytime noise around here. I wish it would rain this guy indoors! But we’re having a serious drought. It hasn’t rained but maybe a dozen times since last May and I’m beginning to wonder if it ever will again. The 5-cast says the same thing it’s said for a while now – sunny and 60s. It gets down in the 30s at night, though, so it’s pretty cold then.

Been having congestion and it was more noticeable this morning for some reason. I don’t think I’ve been getting too carried away with my love of incense, but I’ll take a break from burning any for a while. After all, this shitbox is only 500 square feet.

I’ve been hit with writer’s block and hope to pull out of it this week and get back to work on my current book. It’s not that I don’t have enough ideas for the story; I just can’t focus at times. Like most writers, we have our cycles and these blocks tend to come in waves where we’re on a roll for a while, then we don’t write, and back and forth. I’m only consistent with my journal because that doesn’t take as much thinking. Also, when you have ADHD it can make it hard to concentrate when your efficient but noisy landlord starts gunning and running loud vehicles or you’re suddenly thinking of other things.

Like hoping things will continue running smoothly. Things were so bad for so long that I admit I’m not used to them going well for more than 5 minutes. But it’s now been a few months and I hope it will last while I fear it won’t. I try to suppress these fears, however, for our fears sometimes have a way of manifesting themselves if we dwell on them too much.

“Kate” was doing a fine job of pissing off and even making the troll rather anxious yesterday to the point that I thought she just might leave Thoughts after all. Instead, she just ran poor Aly off before I went off the grid. She is spewing hate and anger toward Alison like crazy. Well, she’s angry over a lot of things, but a lot of it seems directed at Alison lately. She simply makes it too hard for people to ignore her.

While I was never much of a people person to begin with, it was interesting seeing people from all over the world visit my blog and learning about their own lives. Some of them anyway. Most I don’t care to know as it’s the same old predictable shit that doesn’t interest me, but a few could be rather fascinating.

But Molly really spoiled the fun and the fact that she’s acting worse than even a 15-year-old typically acts at 28 years of age is not only sad but kind of scary as well. She’s been this way for so many years that I wonder if she’ll be doing the same thing 10, 20 years from now. It makes me furious to know the pigs can “make a case” out of me when there’s no comparison to anything I’ve done as opposed to what Molly’s been doing for over a decade now. But that’s just our unfair God for you. I’m sure she’ll continue to get away with it. He may punish her in other ways, but I don’t know if the torture of anger and depression over lost friends and exes is good enough. I think legal action should and needs to be taken against her to scare her straight, so to speak, if that’s even possible. If it’s not then she needs to be kept away from the internet.

At the same time, our twisted God/laws infuriate me, I giggle at the thought of her wondering what the hell became of me for the next year or so since I’ll probably spend at least the rest of 2012 off the grid. Well, she’ll see my posts on Twitter and Formspring, but she’ll wonder where the hell I’ve been blogging and what I’ve been saying about her. Oh, and one of her posts (she makes tons a day that are usually not much longer than status updates) said that one of the 5 reasons she wanted to be Alison’s friend was because they both wear makeup, LOL. That’s a good one.

I also liked how she statused that her mother was taking her laptop away until she could stop going to Alison’s, Kim’s and my pages. It didn’t last very long at all if she really did take it away.

I don’t want to dwell on trolls, pigs, blacks, courts, laws or God. I’m still asking God to protect me this time around, but I don’t know that He will in the end. I know that if he really wants to feed me to the wolves, He can and He will and there won’t be anything I can do about it. And so it is up to me to do everything within my power and control to keep the evil away.

I’m sick of the online scares as it is, so yeah, I’m kind of looking forward to keeping a low profile for a while. Online terrors like Molly, Molly’s mother and then the pigs, have gotten quite old. The only way to stop that cycle is for me to back off for a while.

Tammy, on the other hand, tells me she’s thinking of journaling herself. I’m surprised. I didn’t think writing was her thing any more than learning languages.

She said she was almost admitted to the hospital yesterday, is on oxygen and high doses of valium, and in need of bed rest. She also said it’s been hard on her and the girls emotionally.

I don’t get it. I just don’t get it. If she’s not terminal, then why is she suffering so much? Either way, I still don’t know if I like the idea of her contacting me for tips on journaling. She’s getting too close lately. Too close for comfort. And every time she says she wishes I’d visit, I cringe.

“We’re never visiting her and she’s never visiting us,” Tom said.

Damn right! Tammy is a flame that if you get too close to for too long, you will get burned. There’s still a lot of anger there toward her. Tom said some warrants really do expire and I guess he’s done more research and would know these things. Battered woman’s syndrome or not, confused or not, had she not gone and sicced the pigs on me, the black’s warrant would’ve expired probably within a year and what was a then naïve little me would never have been abused by these sickos other than the shit we went through as neighbors.

Oh God, you can’t let them get me again! You can’t!

MONDAY, JANUARY 9, 2012 Up and awake now and so is the troll. It seems to only sleep 3 hours a day, claiming it’s having flashbacks to the day she was supposedly attacked and wondering when there’ll ever be justice for what happened to her. That’s what I wonder as far as those in Arizona go.

Before being funny farmed she bitched that she was sleeping 12-15 hours a day. I wish she’d sleep 24 hours a day! She might’ve gone back to bed, though. She wouldn’t go 44 minutes without viewing my blog if she were home and awake.

A part of me wants to share the parts of yesterday’s entry where I talk about her, but another part doesn’t want to get her going again and fuel the fire when she does that herself enough of the time as it is for no reason and without provocation.

I asked Tammy if she’s hit menopause yet. The lucky bitch had a full hysterectomy in 2005. Right now she’s dealing with pain management doctors, I guess, for a better quality of life. She also says she’s glad we’re happy, she misses me and wishes I could visit, and has read some of my writing or journals, thinks they’re great, and is something she might look into. Compliments like that make the idea of dumping her a bit harder. I’m surprised she’d want to look into writing, though. I just never thought she had any interest in that any more than learning other languages.

It’s been so warm in here in the afternoons that I’ve had to run fans and open windows for a little while. I assumed we’d have a wetter spring to make up for the fall and winter drought, but at the rate we’re going I’m not so sure about that. It seems the whole country is having an easier winter.

Haven’t had any dreams about moving for the last two nights, and while I’m not really sure what my dreams were about, it seems they had a negative undertone to them. Nothing about money or jobs, but it seemed like I may have been running from something or someone.

Okay, time to go post an entry for her to vote down.

Later…

She did vote me down but others, including myself and the bogus account I created, voted me back up:) I’m picking on her from that other account too, and down-voting her in return. I’m trying to drive her off Thoughts and make her feel as unwelcome as she claims she feels, but she’s too obsessive to give up that easily. Hopefully, I can drive her crazy enough in ways that won’t get “Kate” in any trouble.

Later…

NOTE: This was a scam, as in fake email, fake detective, fake everything. Unfortunately, because I was legally screwed over in the past, I let my paranoia get the better of me. Yes, the same people that screwed me over in the past were likely involved, but there was no "case" made against me. This farce stemmed from me sending them some emails in which I said nothing they wanted to hear.

I wish I could say an engine-gunning landlord who seems to spend more and more time gunning his vehicles than riding them was my worst of problems, and no, Tom hasn’t been laid off or anything like that. But an Arizona PD made a case against me. So much for praying to God not to beat me over the head with my perps, old perps or not. It’s like He put them on this earth just to torture me! And this is right after I have dreams about running from someone or something. My first thought when I awoke from the dream was the black pig for some reason. It was just a fleeting thought, but a thought nonetheless.

Oddly enough I’m not freaking out and having the runs like I did when Google first informed me they were snooping into my account (if it’s even real). And just maybe God will protect me this time around and my worst problem will be having a default warrant out on me that never amounts to anything. But if that warrant is for anything federal, I’m fucked and I may as well be in Arizona. Meaning, they can arrest me in any state if the charges are federal. If I knew it was a misdemeanor or non-federal then I wouldn’t worry.

The email was from a Det. Juan D in the Criminal Investigations Division saying a case had been made against me and to please contact him, but no information was given about the "case." The strange thing about it was that the email was not only sent to 3 of my email accounts, one of which hasn’t existed in years, and to Tom as well. It was also sent to what appears to be an invalid email as well as the pig that was involved in the last case and that O Group that held the contest for a grand of cash when we lived in Oregon. Tom said cops weren’t allowed to post their pics online in cases like that but after I entered I saw a picture of what I swear was the pig standing with his wife. After that, I contacted them, said who I was, and requested my name to be pulled from the contest. But what the hell do they have to do with anything???

I still think this has gotta be connected to the black bitch and the auto-sent blog posts, though I still don’t see how they can make a case out of that for spam or any kind of slander case. Nothing I’ve written isn’t already a matter of public information, nor did I write anything threatening or racist in any way short of expressing my opinion on reverse discrimination like a million others have done.

I didn’t want to forward the message to Tom, so I not only called him but sent him an email about it, though he got the same message. How rude of the pig to send it to 7 different addresses, but that’s just the pigs for you – can do no wrong/can do anything they want. Still, emailing Tom my two cents on the issue might’ve been a dumb idea if they were watching me. Then again, I probably would’ve had to be notified if they were reading my emails like Google had to notify me they were looking at my account.

It’s either got to be spam or slander they’re trying to nail me with if it’s not a scam of some kind. But how do you nail someone for spam that’s sent just a handful of messages as opposed to thousands? And how do you nail someone for slander when no last names are used and nothing I said wasn’t public info anyway? This makes me wonder if they’ve got something on me I don’t know about. Something they made up or altered. Like maybe they took the posts and added threats? Damn myself for ever sending them! Then again, the pigs should know to check for that unless they’re in on any alterations themselves. A non-white person’s word is automatically taken over a white person’s so that right there may cause them to skip looking into any wrongdoing on her part if this really has to do with her. I don’t see how it could be connected to the pig cuz he was in Phoenix. So was that O Group. I clearly remember looking at the address on the site when I thought I recognized the pig.

Tom called me back and said not to worry and that he’d find out what was going on when he got home and everything would be okay, and it’s likely just a scam.

Is it? Cuz I’m older now. I can’t handle jail like 12 years ago and even then it nearly killed me. But that was just the lack of sleep, cold showers, horrendous noise, inedible food and emotional stress. Now I can’t see without glasses which they’d never let me have. I also can’t go without lotion or lip balm of some kind, especially lip balm. Lastly, I now have an ear that is a regular problem and needs regular attention. Sorry, but they just won’t oil my ear in jail. Even if I could handle it, I won’t let myself be victimized by my perps all over again! I refuse to be humiliated like that all over again when my worst crime was daring to speak my mind in a legal and civilized way like a million other bloggers. If she didn’t want the entries (if that’s what this is about) all she had to do was mark them as spam. That’s what the “spam” button is for! And if it’s slander they’re trying to get me for, then somebody’s got a very guilty conscience somewhere. Why else would you worry about what people may say, especially if no last names are used? That’s why I wonder if something more is going on.

I don’t know if having the internet in Jesse’s name is a good thing or not. The thought of the pigs coming here is bad enough, but what if they get him involved? Then what? I would still think they could get both our addresses if they really want to. Cops wanting to talk to me and sending subpoenas isn’t my worst fear. It’s being sued or extradited. Whether or not I could handle jail itself, we can’t afford to have me extradited! And we also can’t afford any probation fees or to be sued! Tom said the pigs don’t get involved in lawsuits, so suing may not be likely, but I wonder if it would say something like “Federal Crimes Division” if it was federal. If it’s not federal or if it’s a misdemeanor then I’ve got nothing to worry about since I’m not in Arizona. It was a government email but it probably is for all pigs whether they’re investigating petty misdemeanors or murder.

The shitty thing is that whatever it is they’ve got, real, imagined or altered, it’s almost guaranteed to be a no-win situation for me. Not that I ever plan to go to court willingly, but if they’ve got a case on you, they’ve got a case on you. Period. Very seldom does anyone walk from it with just a slap on the wrist unless it’s something like petty phone calls like back East. No one gets off easy in Arizona and when a perp plays victim that isn’t white, that’s guaranteed to sink your ass right there. In other words, no matter what I did or said in court, I would never win. Not many people go to court on criminal charges just to get off. Lawsuits may be hit or miss but not this type of thing. They wouldn’t make a case without being 100% sure they could hang me, just like I feared they wouldn’t be investigating me if they didn’t think they had a case to begin with.

The only options I can see that this shit leaves us with is:

Carry on as if we never got the emails and hope for the best.

Go underground from the net and just let my friends and family think I’m dead.

Kill myself. I would kill myself before I let them wreak havoc on my life all over again for God knows how many years and how much freedom and money.

Run, even though we don’t have the money to run with.

I’d rather be homeless on the streets in freezing cold weather than in jail. Really, I can’t go through that again!!! Not even if it was just down the street much less in Arizona of all states! I’m too old now and we can’t afford it. Even if we could, how will we ever have a life and get out of here if our money’s tied up in jail/probation costs? I refuse to spend money on them by buying a lawyer and I refuse to use a public defender who would only make sure we did everything wrong and that would hurt me. I know that if I’m ever backed into a corner I’m going to deny whatever it is they’re accusing me of, guilty or not. I should’ve listened to the bonds lady who told me never to plea bargain. I’m just really worried about it being federal or that they set me up somehow. Damn myself for ever contacting them! I should’ve known I wouldn’t get the same protection others get that do much, much worse than I ever have.

I don’t want to give up any of my life for these sickos! They took so much from me before that I don’t want to give them anything else to take. Not my time, not my freedom, not money, not my online life, not our possessions, etc. Just because it was legal doesn’t make what they did to me right in any way, and I’ll be damned if I’ll let them fuck me over again! They will not get me this time! They will NOT! I will not let them have me! Not me, not Tom, not any part of our lives! If I’m going to give up anything in this case I would rather just give up my life altogether and kill myself.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 8, 2012 I’m going to take a break from emailing journal entries to Maliheh because I just don’t know what’s going on with her. This is the longest I’ve gone without hearing from her. She’s a very blunt, honest and outspoken person and since she has insisted it’s not me, I have to believe that and that she’d tell me if she wanted to dump me for any reason or was mad at me. Therefore, something must be going on with her and I don’t know if she’s been getting my messages or has had the time to read them. I will wait till I hear from her, then I’ll catch her up to date on what’s been going on with me. I’ve asked her numerous times to reply to my messages and let me know what’s up with her, but haven’t heard back. This isn’t like her. Something’s going on. Just wish I knew what!

Aside from learning that Dad was in the hospital, yesterday was a fun day at Walmart. As always, I can never resist shiny things and good smells, so I got some more of those scented body mists (Enchanted Forest & White Gardenia) and a gorgeous necklace with matching earrings. Got a ring similar to my pink one too, only this one is lavender and in a smaller size. I wanted a pinky ring, but they didn’t go under size 5. I’ll have to get a kid’s ring to fit my pinkies. Even the glitter bangle I liked slipped right off my wrist that’s how damn small I am.

I also did get new earbuds after all. They’re pink and the kind I can insert in both ears.

I know we should be saving but one has to have fun every now and then and have a life.

I even got some new workout equipment that will allow me to work my arms more and with a wider range of exercises. I can even work my legs with this thing. Running doesn’t necessarily work the inner and outer thigh muscles very well. I bought a trio of resistance bands. They’re similar to my others only longer so I can work both biceps at once, for example. The gray one equates to 5 pounds, the red to 10, and the black to 15. When used all together it’s 30 pounds.

Instead of getting Windows 7, we decided to just get Word for Mac for now. We’re going to order it online.

Time to bitch about Molly, but this can’t go online, of course. Well, she’s the craziest I’ve ever known her to be. Totally at the worst I’ve ever seen her behave since she first latched onto me in 2009. Paranoid, delusional, accusatory and very angry. She’s leaving messages on profiles of people I’ve never heard of saying, “Why are you talking about me to ratgirl?”

But they’re not! I’ve never even heard of the users she’s accusing of talking about her with me.

Her current status says: Jodi shut your trashy mouth.

But I haven’t said one single thing about her on any site I use and I even told Andy not to mention her. Hmm… not sure if this insanity is more funny or creepy.

Now it’s: I dislike ratgirl.

One status update that was funny was when she said she went into her parents’ bedroom at 5:30 this morning and laid her head down on her mother’s leg who has a very bad cold. Quite a coincidence that she gets sick after pissing me off again, huh?

Anyway, while I do admit I read her blog at times just to laugh at the craziness of it, I really wish she would kill herself or that someone else would do it for her. I really fear the rest of my online life is going to be forced to have her included in it. I can’t post links just anywhere, I can’t allow for anonymous comments or anything like that which may open me up to more harassment from this loony tune. It never ends! I just get a few days off here and there. Dani said she went through this with her years ago, then she left her alone for two years, and now she’s back at it in full swing. Wish she would give me two years off!

One blog post which was directed to me as a “letter” said I should leave her alone. After all, why would I want to bother with someone who’s just 28 years old?

But I’m not doing anything to her! I’m not mentioning her in my journal, not contacting her – nothing. Anything I’ve said about her has been done in private only. And what’s with the 28-year-old thing? Oh, but it’s no problem for her to keep following a 46-year-old, right? It’s only okay to harass those that are older, is that it?

Alison said she’s been hospitalized before for threatening suicide and her parents (which she also recently stated isn’t the answer), but how the hell one gets out of the hospital after just 5 days for making threats like that is beyond us. Why hasn’t she been committed or had tests run on her? The doctor is probably unaware of her online obsessions and behavior, and of course her enabling parents continue to make one excuse after another for their darling daughter.

She’s not even sleeping anymore, so it seems. Been up round the clock blogging about her misguided and senseless rage, mostly towards Alison, her parents and her ex-boyfriend. One minute she wants to kiss and make up, the next she’s “better off without them.”

It isn’t just her erratic moods and clinginess that drive people crazy, but her warped sense of reality and blatant lies as well. She gets mad at people for things they didn’t even do or that normal people wouldn’t get mad at. You never know if asking her what her weather is like is going to piss her off! Even she admits the slightest thing gets her fuming. And to say she’s as bad as a bad liar can possibly get is an understatement! Her lies are so damn obvious that I don’t know who the hell she thinks she’s kidding. Certainly not most people.

She’s mentioned the possibility of going to a group home. She needs to go somewhere but most of all she needs to be banned from joining social sites since she just can’t leave people alone. All she does is piss them off so she can have fun stalking them and trying to “win” them back over. It’s a sick, twisted game to her.

She’s also mentioned the Caesar case. This is the guy who she claims raped her, but as Aly said, she wouldn’t trust anything she says about that. Besides, her story has changed numerous times. According to Aly, Caesar was a nurse who visited her grandparents in the retirement community they lived in. She liked him and he flirted with her. Then one night things went a little too far. But as Aly said, Caesar is supposedly still on the loose and she doesn’t get why the parents haven’t done anything to have him apprehended or Molly avenged if something serious really happened. Aly agrees it was probably just a case of assault at its worst. All Molly said was something about telling the DA she was afraid to testify for fear of him harming her and her family. I wish he would!

Aly said her mother said to just ignore her and she’d eventually go away, but as we both know, ignorance isn’t bliss in the Molly case. Yes, the less we mention her the less we hear from her, but that doesn’t make her go away altogether. And so I came up with an idea and a suggestion for Alison. I told her it’s great that she didn’t die of cancer for real, but who says she can’t die of it at least for Molly’s sake? Yeah, as in faking her own death, LOL! Kim and I could maybe blog that Dustin told us she died or something.

Aly got quite a kick out of this idea, but worries the troll may still have her parents’ number and the last thing she wants are her parents getting a call from this batshit crazy nutty sicko in regards to it. I can understand her concern, but at this point, I’d worry more about myself than my parents. Or maybe she can warn her parents up front about what she plans to do.

Ignoring her simply doesn’t work, but as crazy as she’s driving people she’s well within the law. Even if she wasn’t, after being a victim of corrupt law enforcement officials, I could never reach out to the law and trust them anyway.

Later…

Geez, now she’s posting things like “I feel hurt and betrayed by Alison,” on random profiles, some of which are minors.

She can’t even watch a movie without whining about how horrible her life is. That oughta tell you something right there about someone who can’t even sit through a whole movie without bitching about friends they’ve lost forever.

What’s got me pissed off is that even though I’ve got her blocked from leaving messages and making comments, she can still vote on posts. She’s been down-voting a lot of my posts as well as Alison’s and Kim’s. This pisses me off more than her trashing me with lies in her blog because it makes me feel like she’s controlling my stuff. Her blogs are her blogs, but mine are mine, and I feel like she’s got a hold on me of sorts by having the power to vote on them. I can delete unwanted comments and messages, but I can’t undo her votes.

She’s spent almost 9 hours on my blog so far today.

Tammy apparently read my blog. Not only did TIP say so but she left a comment on Facebook in regards to the entry about Dad being in the hospital saying she was sorry she didn’t tell me about it and that she should have. No worries, I told her. I find out about things sooner or later either way.

“I will be 50 in less than 4 months,” ugly Lori left on my wall.

So? What does she want for it, a medal? Really, I am so sick of an unlimited supply of attention from crazies and uglies! Am I really that crazy and ugly myself? Except for Alison, what do these people see in me that attracts them so? Why do the hot Nanes and Malihehs of the world keep their distance along with the saner ones? What is it about me that scares them off? Or am I simply overreacting and taking something personally that most people experience in life?

SATURDAY, JANUARY 7, 2012 I prayed for whatever was up there to show me a time frame in my dreams of when and if we may be moving. Instead, I just had another dream about moving. At least they’re coming and I hope they’re a sign of good things to come. I feel like there are hidden messages in some of them if only I learn how to read them.

There were a few things I didn’t like about last night’s dream. For one my hair was down to my waist. If that’s any sign of a time frame, well, my hair is about two years from being waist-length again. It grows fast and I may be short, but my hair is still barely past my shoulders.

The dream started with me telling Tom that I had a dream that we got a place with a pool toward the back right side of the house. It was enclosed by a black iron rail fence and was behind the end of the driveway.

Then we went to an “open house” party of sorts where all the people in the adult community we were hoping to rent a place in were out and about in the streets and in their yards dancing to country music. Some houses seemed to have two stories and I watched some couples dancing on their balconies. I was glad to see that they were all older people being in an adult community and all that but hoped that they wouldn’t make these parties a regular thing if we were going to live there.

A short heavy blond woman admired my long hair and seemed to be attracted to me, though I pretended not to notice.

The other thing I didn’t like about the dream was my being worried that they may discover Tom was just a temp. I hope this isn’t suggesting he’ll still be a temp next summer when he turns 55, but I’d rather he keep working as a temp than be laid off.

I don’t know if we were able to rent a place there in the end or not, but I was given a little booklet about the community and what it had to offer. Apparently, there was a community pool. I wanted to see if I could find a picture of it and see if it was toward the right of the house to get a sense of whether or not the dream I had in the dream could mean anything, but the page that pictured the pool had been torn out of the booklet.

Later…

I called my parents now that we configured the phone properly on the Mac. As I was hoping it would be the case, Dad answered instead of Mom. Mom was at the store. He told me he was in the hospital the last few days and was just released yesterday. I was sorry to hear this too, and I feel so frustrated and helpless being so far away. On the other hand, there’d be nothing I could do to stop him from aging and to fix his heart and lungs if I lived down the street from him. I still wish I could be there just long enough to give him a hug at times!

I thanked him for the gift cards and we touched base before some nurse came to the house. I just wonder how much longer he’s got. And why didn’t I have any bad dreams about him upon going into the hospital? I’ve had bad dreams about others right before bad things happened to them. Maybe it’s because it’s simply part of aging and all that and while I don’t like it any more than most of us do, my mind has simply come to accept this sad fact of life in which no one is exempt.

I’d love to write more, but it’s been a long and tiring day. A fun day other than learning my dad was ill, but a tiring one just the same. I’m going to just go make myself comfortable in bed with the Kindle and read till I fall asleep.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 6, 2012 I wasn’t going to do another entry today, but since I’m usually busier on weekends, I thought I would bitch and complain about phones and computers. I love ‘em and I hate ‘em!

I went to call my folks to thank them for the $50 Red Lobster GC they sent but the phone would only sound through the computer and not the phone itself. My parents might also be having problems on their end because I got nothing but static and screeching when either Dad or the machine picked up. It wasn’t clear enough to tell which it was.

As for computers – I’m still trying to get used to this Mac crap and not liking it very much either. Still not sure I want to spend money to upgrade to Windows 7 right now because we really want to save for the move, wherever that may be. OSX isn’t as fun as Windows, but it’s not impossible to use or completely intolerable.

The earbuds I was using for watching movies on the computer broke and I’m so determined to save money that I’d rather use my headphones than buy new ones even though they don’t cost much. I use the headphones when Tom’s sleeping because this new heater is so loud I have to really crank the volume up. Even with the door shut it’s loud. Sure works well, though.

Whoever’s in here next is going to have it easy as far as things breaking go because, by the time we get out of here, everything will have been replaced or upgraded.

When I was working out earlier, I glanced over at Tom, who can sleep through anything, and studied his sleeping form. I had to suppress a giggle at the thought of him magically becoming someone I’m not at all fond of just long enough for me to run up and stick a blaring earbud in their ear, LOL. The iPod’s earbuds still work just fine. Leave it to his evil wife to have that kind of fantasy. :)

Speaking of fantasies involving the same sex, I still miss hearing from Nane and Barbara but I know I’m better off not hearing from them.

I’m disappointed that my second book isn’t selling very well so far. I was hoping more people would actually buy it instead of just saying, “I’ll check it out.”

They had Tom sign a form at work giving the temp company permission to disclose his background check with a company that the company he’s working for wants to do business with so he can access their computer. Hopefully, this is a good sign that they’re not going to let him go anytime soon.

Last night I got the sign I asked for in my dreams. Now all I need is a time frame. Well, I don’t need one. I’d just like to have one. I’m naturally curious.

Tom and I may go to Walmart tomorrow just for fun and for variety since it’s been a while since we’ve been there. We kind of miss it. We don’t like the store and the crowds, but we like the selection and the prices. Walmart is sort of like computers; can’t live with them, can’t live without them. Hopefully, we’ll go early enough to beat the crowds, though that may mean having to deal with tons of boxes in the aisles instead.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 5, 2012 When I was going to bed I did my usual prayers to help guard against financial and health problems. Still not sure it does me any good, but can it hurt? I also asked for a sign in my dreams as to whether or not we’re moving and where to. I ended up having an interesting dream, alright. While no particular state was ever mentioned and no landscape of any kind was visible to get a sense of what kind of climate the dream took place in, we definitely moved long-distance. This I know because in the dream I giggled to myself thinking what experts we’ve become at that sort of thing and here we go again, jobless and homeless till we land on our feet somewhere after making the big leap.

Then some guy was showing us rentals. I don’t know if we knew him or not, but I don’t think we did. He pointed out that there was this particular string of rentals that celebrities rented from time to time. I was just about to ask how the hell we could afford to rent something they could afford when he explained it with just one word. I don’t remember the word but it all made sense to me in the dream how we could afford it. I just wanted to rent what was right for us and not because celebs rented it, too.

Once I was awake enough to analyze the dream I came to 4 possible conclusions and was no closer to knowing what the future holds as far as moving goes and where to. I figure the dream could mean that a long-distance move is many years away, or we could be sitting on a bunch of money I don’t know about to get us moved sooner, or something’s just playing with me, or it means absolutely nothing at all. So it’s nice that I got the sign I asked for. I just wish I knew what it meant if it meant anything at all. How should I interpret it?

Makes me wonder, though, if those other rental dreams I had that I assumed were in this area could’ve been elsewhere.

So the troll is capable of threats after all. After a wonderful 5-day absence from my blog, she wrote in her own blog that she just got home from the hospital after threatening to kill herself and her parents, she feels better now, she’s back on medication, and she misses talking to Alison.

I wish she would off mommy and daddy if she’s not going to be kind enough to do herself in. That way she would go bye-bye for a lot longer than 5 days (she spent over an hour on my blog today) and I wouldn’t have to worry about that scary mother of hers who has got to be the most intimidating person I’ve ever had the misfortune of meeting online. Does she want to be so protective of her now? Now that she’s threatened her? Really, does she want to threaten to file suit now?

She’s still talking about Aly and why she hasn’t heard from her. She also said it was funny how a few people started talking to her for a while after being mean to her for so long. Of course being “mean” means trying to avoid her and telling her to go away and stay away, not wanting anything to do with her.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 4, 2012 Some people have asked about what I’m writing at the moment, so I thought I’d let people in on my next book. To make a character stand out we authors sometimes give them unique traits. One of my lead character’s noses sometimes twitches like a rabbit and as people notice this along the way, they nickname her Bunny Nose. So that’s how the book got its title. I had mapped out this plot in a half-assed sort of way before I “split” with Nane and it will definitely be the very last role-inspired story she’ll ever be in. It will also probably be the last story to take place in Germany that I’ll ever write. But that’s only if I can get myself to write it. It’s not that I haven’t got enough ideas for it (the plot is simple yet a little more intricate than my last couple of books). It’s just that I haven’t been in the mood to write much lately. Maybe when I’m on days I’ll work on it. Unfortunately, I have to work around my sometimes noisy landlord’s schedule. Because of all the loud vehicles I often hear up there I have sound machines going during the daytime. I can write and read and do things like that with the sound machine, but I can’t watch movies that way. So nights are usually reserved for movies while the days are for writing.

I realized I don’t have to work out to music only. I wouldn’t want to work out to movies since the sound of the treadmill running would make it hard to hear. This newer louder heater is bad enough. But I can set the Kindle on the treadmill and read while I work out if I want to so I might try that for my next workout. I’ve got 15% left of The White Angel Murder.

I’ve noticed that with half-hour workouts on the treadmill 5 days a week, I can maintain my weight on 1500 calories a day. That’s the perfect amount of calories for me. 1000 leaves me too hungry, 2000 too stuffed. But I’m still a fatty even though I do look quite fit. I wonder, though… could I lose weight if I upped my time to an hour and still have 1500 calories? 1500 still seems like a bit much for me to lose on even if I worked out 5 hours a day, but I may try it sometime.

The part of the floor that got wet from the hot water tank leaking smells kind of musty so I sprayed perfume on it and then sprinkled powder over it. Hopefully, that will absorb any leftover moisture and smells.

We’re still setting record highs with record dryness. It’s barely rained a dozen times since last May. I’ve had to sleep with the fan on low because it gets close to 80º inside here in the afternoons.

Evie now has a Facebook account. I sent her the link to both my books, LOL, knowing I’m not going to get a reply, but that it’ll spark some talk and curiosity. You never know; maybe even a sale or two. The last time I sent David an unrated, unreviewed book link. But Evie gets to have two 4-star book links with great reviews, thanks to Eileen and Mitch.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 3, 2012 It’s been almost a month now since I heard from Maliheh. What the hell is going on with her? Can she really be that busy that she can’t at least send a quick email once a week instead of once a month???

Sold a copy of Evil Amongst the Evergreens in the UK today. :)

Nothing broke around here today, Tom had a busy but ok day at work, and I’m definitely climbing back in the Windows once again. But not until we order Win7 this weekend and upgrade to a safer, newer version of it. I just can’t get used to OSX and we’re having enough problems with it anyway – keyboard dying, mouse dying, etc. It totally sucks shit!

MONDAY, JANUARY 2, 2012 Something hasn’t wanted me to sleep very well so far this year. It seems I kept waking up constantly. A tickle in my throat caused a coughing fit. The smell of food cooking woke me up. I also woke up just because. What was weird was that Jesse didn’t wake me up when he came down to make sure the new hot water tank was working out ok, and it is.

Had to sleep longer to make up for all the waking up I did along the way, but once I got up for good I was good to go. Except for a slight cough I’m fully over my cold or flu or whatever it was I had and was able to do a complete workout now that my body’s energy isn’t being used to fight the illness. After I was done I felt refreshed instead of drained. This was the first time I’ve been sick since 2007. Before that, I was sick in 2000, and before that in 1997. I hope it will be many years before I’m sick again!

We’re just about done setting up house in OSX. Still gotta tweak and fine-tune a few more things. The conversion and configuring was a huge job but will hopefully be well worth it in the end. If Tom, who’s been using OSX for years says it is, then it is. It’s a bit of a pain using my old word processor in a virtual box since I had to reconfigure everything but it sure beats OpenOffice and AbiWord. I may one day buy the latest version of WinWord which now has an application for Macs.

Tom showed and explained to me that copying/pasting pictures from sites isn’t a safe way to go about it and that I should use the codes only because the codes only contain the pictures themselves. But if you copy the whole thing it can have viruses and other junk embedded in it which may very well be how I got infected with Windows. These infections aren’t as likely in OSX, but not impossible so I guess I’ll have to be more careful about how I do things online.

No “jobless” or other bad dreams to warn of impending trouble ahead. Instead, I’ve been having more dreams of living in newer, bigger places so hopefully that’s a good sign. It’s a damn good feeling to know that if the car suddenly completely died and was totally unfixable, we could buy another car. It’d be an old used piece of shit, but we’d still have a car and Tom could still get to work. That possibility alone of the car possibly dying, even if it was unlikely, was a huge stress for a long time.

No views from the troll for two days. Her sister just popped a kid and she last said she wasn’t getting along with her mother, so hopefully they’ll both be too busy to bother with me for a good long while and then hopefully Molly will take up new obsessions and go stalk someone else. As Aly said, while the mother can seem a bit scary with her threats, she wouldn’t sweat over her because it’s only natural, right or wrong, for a mother to defend her kid. No mother wants to believe their kid simply can’t make/keep friends.

Aly, like me, realized the few days she gave her some time and attention was a waste and that she’ll never change, so she’s silently bowed out of her life and will also be doing her best to block and ignore her whenever possible. I knew Molly had a thing for trying to “make” people like her, but I didn’t realize she was so damn needy with her constant cries for help with this person and with that person who she either can’t get along with or who’s been trying to avoid her for the same reasons most people do. “Help me!” is a constant plea from her. And “I feel like I have no one to talk to. No one cares. No one wants to comment on my blogs.” She even said this when I was giving her attention and comments several times a day. There’s just no pleasing this girl. That’s how she first snared Aly in; by begging for help and coming off as desperate, helpless, and doomed. I think that’s how she reaches out to just about everybody. That’s what she did with me when she first contacted me deciding that I would be a good one to talk to when she was supposedly raped by a male nurse. But I know that wasn’t all that was motivating her. It was my connection to others she knows that drove her to contact me. Molly likes to come off as a damsel in distress and she likes to pick fights, make enemies, and then stalk those who come to loathe her.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 1, 2012 With the exception of some lost sleep, the hot water tank breaking turned out to be a blessing in disguise. It started with a slow drip but then it started leaking big time sometime during the night. Once again that same area of the bedroom by the wall where the bathroom sink pipe was leaking was wet and stained and I almost considered waking Tom up, but said, nah. As long as none of our stuff got damaged, to hell with pesky Jesse’s baseboards and carpet.

I crashed around 6am and about 4 hours later awoke to them working on it. It turns out that Jesse had bought a brand-new water tank because he thought something was wrong with his own tank, though the problem turned out to be something else. So it worked out great for us not only because we won’t have to wait till Tuesday for him to get a new one, but because we went from a noisy 20-gallon tank where the hot water would be gone in 10 minutes or less to a quiet 35-gallon tank. Now I can take the 15 to 20-minute showers I like to take and this tank doesn’t “popcorn.” The other one was so ancient and made popping sounds when it would fire up. It had probably been in there for about 20 years or so. This new one barely fits in the cubbyhole the tank goes in, but thankfully they managed to get it in. And to kill the beehive that was in there as well. Yeah, we knew by all the yellow jackets hanging around that there had to be a hive somewhere close by.

What sucks is that Jesse will probably want to come down tomorrow to check on things and fuck with my sleep then as well. They left the door open to it to air out the wet walls and floor. It’s pretty dry out, so that’ll help. At the rate we’re going it’s never going to rain here again. We’re going to come close to hitting 70°. It saves us propane in the afternoons because the heater doesn’t usually need to run for about 4-6 hours during the daytime.

Still setting up and configuring my little world in OSX and converting this and that. It takes some serious getting used to. I hate all the other word processors I’ve tried so far because they don’t do everything I want them to do, so we’re going to set up a way to use my old word processor without actually running Windows. It’s called Virtual Box. You set it up to think it’s running a whole separate computer within your computer.

[muerteporfavor]

Hola!

So I finally cracked. I skipped yesterday entirely. I just did not think to do duolingo/update here yesterday morning and then I spent the whole day out until 3pm when I hit the road and drove until midnight.

So.

Anyway, I'm officially back from vacation so we are slipping right back into the swing of things. (I'm also no longer being brutally assaulted by allergies so cheers!)

To Do List:

apply for jobs (I've actually already done this but I'm listing it anyway)

duolingo

work on some art projects (TBA)

yoga (we are getting back into the stretching and strengthening routine goddamnit)

I'm making the damn notebooks already. I've put it off long enough.

And that's probably (?) it. I've already done a lot today already. As I bought a bit of memorabilia from my trip and got it all up on my wall plus stuck new stickers to my laptop. And I've already unpacked. (it's literally 3:30pm and I've been up since 8am so that's not impressive. Just pretend it is.)

More to come later!!

[puraiuddo]

i feel like i’ve official hit adult now that my only desired items for xmas were 1) mattress topper (for by bad back b/c i can’t afford a new mattress) 2) weighted blanket (to help with my anxiety and insomnia) & 3) nice slippers (to keep my poorly circulated feet warm)

[whentherewerebicycles]

all right friends 10 updates from the trenches:

still mostly off tumblr but am allowing myself to browse a bit in the evening, as you do

i have submitted 12 job applications and have heard nothing but i am trying not to freak out it’s not even been a full week for some of them and i am sure people took time off for the 4th!

today i spent literally 12 hours working on the same letter. i started getting concerned that i wasn’t tailoring the letters enough so i tried doing more but then it was so long i was having to restructure other parts of the letter and then i was making it worse so i ditched six hours of work and started over again. kill me!! it was not a good use of my time but i think the reason it was so hard was because i was trying to teach myself a new skill (tailoring) by doing it on the fly without much forethought or preparation, and so i was experiencing the frustration of learning on top of just being more braindead than usual after so much job stuff. i am sincerely hoping it will be easier tomorrow.

but also i need to get better at actually breaking the spell of hyperfocus good lord. i set a million alarms and try to make myself get up to walk across the room so i can shake off the trance but my ability to tunnel-vision into a task even if i’m not working efficiently and need to STOP is insane. the gravitational pull is so strong that i get up, do whatever distraction task i’ve set for myself, and then am immediately drawn back into the original task’s orbit for another six hours.

in writing today’s letter i found a way to weave in a nice thing my friend nicole once said to me about my teaching that i think about a lot. i am not sure the letter needed it (i am under NO illusions that i understand what cover letters need!!) it but it was nice to think about her saying it & then also nice to write a slightly more earnest paragraph about Values instead of all the Professional Woman Applying for a Job Stuff. also nice to think about teaching! the other day i made a joke about how i can’t write anything short about teaching without accidentally writing the entire book that lives inside of me and one of my beloved former students messaged me to be like ‘please please please write a teaching book i want to read it 🥺.’ VERY SWEET!!! TEACHING IS A GOOD THING IN A WORLD FULL OF BAD THINGS!!!!

michelle tested positive for covid this morning after i spent a big chunk of yesterday morning with her. this is my fourth ‘very close contact’ in the past month and i haven’t gotten it from any of the others which probably means my luck is about to run out. i hope i don’t get sick but also an enforced break from job stuff might not be the worst idea. i felt fine most of today, insofar as i was aware of my body at all in the strange trance state i entered, but i am feeling a little rundown now (though possibly that’s just the power of suggestion).

i have a student meeting tomorrow that i can’t forget about for a kid who is doing the coolest/most ambitious project and has just been steadily plugging away at it for a solid 10 months now. she’s getting REALLY close now and it’s very exciting to see!!

since i have to shower and make myself presentable tomorrow anyway i’m going to make myself do this annoying two-minute video for one of the job applications. if it weren’t a job i would be super psyched about getting i would skip it but alas.

i had such a lovely pre-4th of july cookout with my friends and we discussed plans for a big celebration of our ten years in texas at the end of the summer. it made me emotional!! my beloved humans!!! i don’t know if i’ll still be living here or not (my In a Perfect World plan is to move at the beginning of august) but i will obviously return for it if not. i feel lucky to have had this really solid group of friends here who i have known for so long and love so much. emotions!!!

i had a long phone call with one of my college bffs yesterday about some heavy stuff going on in her life. she has made A Big Traumatic Life Change recently which it is causing her a lot of grief, but also, even in the immediate wake of the Big Change she sounded more like herself than she has in a year. i have been pretty worried for her for a long time now, more acutely in the past six months or so, and i feel hopeful that this is going to be a good thing in the long run. also we discussed how clarifying the long beautiful wedding weekend last month was for both of us, in different but not dissimilar ways. and i think that’s interesting! like it was powerful enough as an emotional experience to prompt both of us to independently make huge changes that are going to change the trajectories of our lives. most weddings do not have that effect on me lol but it was just one of those experiences where the two people getting married are quite simply the best people you know, and they’ve woven around themselves this dense web of deeply meaningful relationships with so many different kinds of people, and we all just got to be immersed in all of that love and goodwill and positive feeling for like four full days, and it was just the kind of emotional experience that makes you say aloud to yourself afterwards: wow, i’m ready to change my life and i’m strong enough to do it.

[giorno-plays-piano]

Vicious

Part VII

Pairing: Steve x reader, Bucky x reader, Thor x reader, Loki x reader, Peter x reader

Warnings: yandere, obsession, stalking, possessiveness, theft, mention of blackmail, all characters are adults.

Words: 1864.

Summary: Transferring to Stark Academy that has only allowed to take in female students last semester, you realize you are just one of three young women among hundreds of students. Your things are constantly being stolen, and soon you begin fearing for your safety.

Part I

Part II

Part III

Part IV

Part V

Part VI

________

You wanted to slap yourself. What the hell was wrong with you today? Why did you tell Peter that?!

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean...” Completely baffled with you behavior, you were deeply ashamed, unable to look the guy in the eyes and wanting nothing but fall into the earth.

“Ah, I got it. It’s Steve, isn’t it?” All of a sudden, Peter let out an irritated sigh, rolling his eyes skywards and rubbing his neck. “Of course, who else would say such nonsense. Blackmail, really? Funny he didn’t call me a stalker or anything.”

“Listen, I didn’t mean it, I’m really-”

“It’s ok.” He closed the locker, slamming its door loudly and making you jump. “It’s not your fault. If I heard that from somebody, I’d be scared too.”

He spent a couple of seconds staring into the wall until he rubbed his neck again tiredly and huffed. It took him less than a minute to regain his composure, and you heard him murmuring, “What a freak.”

He didn't return to the corridor, heading to the sports hall for his PE class, instead moving to the bench in the locker room and motioning you to sit. Feeling terribly awkward, you hoped he wasn't going to do anything out of anger, even though he had every right to be upset at your stupid behavior.

"About what he said," Peter took a deep breath, "it's nothing like that. I don't dig up some nasty stuff in the web to blackmail people. I've never done it. The reason why Mr. I-am-better-than-you said that is because I've made him take me into his little bodyguard group when I heard him talking to Loki. You're nice, and I wanted to help. Of course, Steve started acting like I was some creep, so he refused, and I had to remind him that, technically, he had to report your issue to the administration, not play a hero. I said that if I go and tell the whole story to the dean, Steve's gonna be in trouble because he knew who thieves were and didn't report them."

It was a loud off your mind. Goodness. Rogers called this a blackmail? Really? Just because Peter pushed Steve into taking him into their group?

You were less and less sure Rogers was sane. You definitely had to be careful around him.

"I can't believe he called it a blackmail." You admitted quietly, and the guy sent you a tired smile. "Peter, I'm so, so sorry. It was so stupid of me."

"Nah, don't worry. I'd freak out too if I didn't know the whole story."

You knew your apologies weren't enough, but you hoped Peter didn't take it to heart - if you can take such an accusation easily, that is. Shit, shit, shit, why did you believe everything these guys were saying? You didn't even know them in the first place! Why on Earth did you go asking them their opinions on others if all of them were biased, and every guy could twist the truth the way he liked? You shouldn't have let their words affect you that much.

"Whatever. At least now you know what Rogers is like." Peter sent you a grim smile and got up, picking his bright yellow sackpack from the floor. "Shit, I gotta go if I don't wanna be late. Let's meet in a library later, alright?"

"O-of course." You hurriedly stood up and left the lockers room after him, turning to the library: your Lit class was cancelled, so you decided to go study right away. At this time, the library was usually full, and you felt safe there.

Your thoughts were all about the guys again even when you were staring at your laptop, trying to focus on Excel numbers. Why did you feel like the atmosphere between them was so dense? If they were at such terms with each other, why did they group together to help you? What, because all of them loved you so much? It was ridiculous. There was something else to it, and you didn't know. You had a feeling no one was going to tell you the truth until you figured it all out by yourself.

Weird. It was all so weird. Steve's plan, their behavior, the relationships between them, and your nagging feeling they all were hiding something. Was it them who were actually following you?

The thought scared you to the point you started shivering. Oh shit.

"Hi there," the guy appeared behind your back so suddenly you almost jumped, looking at him wide-eyed, "sorry, did I startle you?"

"H-hi Jake! No, it's ok, I was just... studying." Both of you were talking in hushed voices, knowing the librarian would kick you out immediately if she heard some noise. "How are you?"

"I'm great, how're you?" You could hear concern in his voice: he was one of Thor's friends you met yesterday, and although you spoke briefly, Thor definitely told him more about you. "You look a bit worried."

"Oh, it's Math, I didn't really understand the topic, and we're having an exam on Monday... guess I'll be studying the whole weekend." You gave him your best smile to reassure you were totally ok, and the guy relaxed a little, smiling at you, too.

"I'm sure you'll pass. Thor said you're very smart."

What, he said that to all of them? Was he simply boasting about his girlfriend to his friends or was there something more to it?

"You're too kind. Thank you."

His smile grew wider, and he landed on the next seat to yours, resting his hands on the table. Apparently, there was something he wanted to talk to you about, and you grew uneasy.

"Listen, about these incidents... Thor told us all about it, so if you see any freaks following you around, you can message any of us, and we'll come right away." Looking at his serious expression, his bushy brows furrowed, you hoped he eas being sincere with you: you had enough with people you could no longer trust. "And also... that kid, if he's giving you troubles or anything, just let me know, and I'll tell him to keep his hands to himself"

Oh, he was talking about Peter, wasn't he? He had probably seen that silly photo. Wow, you though, Peter was totally right about Instagram: it was the best news source in the academy.

Thanking him for his concern, you laughed a little, convincing him there was nothing serious except for the theft and promising to tell him if anything weird would be going on. While it should have made you feel safer, in fact, you only grew more frustrated with this situation. You wanted to forget about these freaks and just spend you day like any normal student would, but everywhere you went people were staring at you as if you had a horn; one boyfriend or the other was always close to protect you from some unknown danger, and although you believed they tried to help, you hated the feeling they were hiding something from you. Why did you have to be going through all this? Wasn't it really better to drop off school, spend a year working and then apply to a better place?

Thinking of the faces your parents would make once you returned home, you realized it wasn't. This school with all those creeps wasn't worse than home that never felt like a safe place you wanted to come back to. Besides, all money you saved up until now were only good for buying food and things like that: you'd never afford to rent a decent place unless you found a well-paid job. It meant staying with your parents, and it wouldn't be much better than here, just different. If you wanted to drop off, you had to find a good place to stay.

Well, you could at least try, right?

When Peter met you in the library, the two of you no longer talked about anything important, simply studying together to prepare for the exams next week. It didn't feel off: from time to time you met his gaze, and the both of you smiled. You were thankful he didn’t talk about Steve or other guys or that weirdo in the lockers room.

Once you returned home, you went straight to bed, completely exhausted. Luckily, you did much more than yesterday, so you could rest now, but then you thought of Thor kissing you and bit down the pillow, angry at yourself. Why did you keep thinking of him right now?

______________

When you woke up the next morning, you felt like something was off: your body ached, your throat hurt, and your headache was only making it worse. Dammit, you caught a cold, probably. And that’s when it was finally the day to meet Steve, the guy you thought was a mastermind behind all these manipulations that were making you sick to the core. 

Anyway, it’s not like a mere cold would prevent you from doing everything you had planned. You left your bed and went to the bathroom, moving the dresser before again. 

Honestly, it felt terrible. It was definitely because of that flimsy dress you wore to school yesterday when the weather was becoming chilly. Argh. Watching your puffy eyes and swollen nose, you sneezed. Today you had to apply way more makeup to look decently.

Steve showed up earlier than either Thor or Peter: you had to skip your breakfast, hoping to buy something cheap in the cafeteria.

“Good morning.” He said with his everyday polite expression that soon shifted into a concerned one. “Are you alright?”

What, was it that bad? You did your absolute best to apply enough makeup and do your hair. Did you still look so sick?

“Good morning. Yes, I’m ok, just feeling a little sleepy.” You yawned on purpose, covering your mouth with your hand, and Steve’s face softened.

“Did you study all night?”

“Yep, exams are driving me a little crazy.”

“I understand. I also stayed late last night.”

Of course, the student council president studying all days long to be number one student in the academy. If you didn’t know of his twisted nature, you’d think he was the most typical nerd.

You spent most of the time either in silence or talking about studies, the academy, and everything related to it. Steve acted like a gentleman and a scholar, albeit a little too demonstratively. Walking with you as if he were a king of the place, he constantly replied to greetings of others, waved to his acquaintances and smiled. You felt so off you wanted to find Loki and walk with him: unlike Steve, he was considered unpleasant by the prevailing majority of students.

“Are you sure you’re going to be alright?” America golden boy asked you for the last time, and you forced yourself to smile.

“Of course. Thanks for coming, see you later, Steve.”

As he finally left you in peace, you almost fell down into your chair, your fever only getting worse despite the fact you took some painkillers. It was going to be a long day.

_________

Tags: @finleyjayne @alexakeyloveloki   ​@helenaeisenhower @villanellevi @hurricanerin ​@inlovewiththefictionalcharacters @chris-evans-indian-fanfic @navegandoaciegas @rosalynshields @brattycherub @sllooney @angrythingstarlight @lookiamtrying @buckysbunny @stargazingfangirl18 @dillybuggg @literate-lamb @cosicas-cuquis @sarge-barnes-sir @buckybarnesplumwhore @jaysayey @megzdoodle @gotnofucks @lux-ravenwolf @ximebebx @jeremyrennerfanxxxx123 @sourpatchspinster @biiskuitx @stupendouslovegardener @iheartsebandchris @lovelydarkdaydream @soleil-dor @illyrianprincess @vampirestrawberries @goodgodimaweirdperson @frontmanash @freya-heya @yandematic @mariatietacapitu @d3monslust @maybesandohnos @ibeatuptwinks @mangobangi @nectav @whatever-happened-to-the-ducks

[weelittleweasley]

bar maid (b.w.)

prompt: a long night at the leaky cauldron and the late shift can only mean one thing: a boring night. but when a new face pops into the bar, the mood shifts drastically.

pairing: bill weasley x fem! reader

warnings: drinking, mentions of the war, language (literally once), sexual references

word count: 4.5k

taglist: @harrysweasleys​ @gcdric​ @lumos-barnes​ @whizboingies​ @lumosandnoxwriting​ @pxroxide-prinxcesss​ @c-t-h​ @another-lonely-heart-blog​ @starlightweasley​ @parseltongueswriting​ @shilohpug​ @peachypotter​ @vogueweasley​

“Another round of ale, Albert?” you ask with a smile as you wipe down a section of the bar from its previous attendants. The damp dish towel wipes across the mahogany bar, leaving streaks that shine underneath the bar lighting, the faint smell of chemical lemon lingering in the air mixes with the overwhelming scent of lager and spirits. 

Albert flashes you a toothy grin and gives you a shrug. “Eh, why not. It’s a Friday, isn’t it?” Albert laughs before sliding you his brass mug down the length of the bar as you stealthily catch it in your hand. You fill the mug with amber ale, teeming with white foam, smelling of wheat. “You’re too good to me, (Y/N),” Albert tells you with a grin before taking a sip of his usual drink of choice. 

You were a bar maid at the Leaky Cauldron and Albert was one of your regulars. Now, you didn’t think that you would be a bar maid after graduating from Hogwarts and trying to become a professor, but the world had a funny way about it, didn’t it? Being a bar maid meant you got good tips and had the luxury of creating your own schedule, but it also meant when you worked, it was long hours of standing on your feet and serving cheap ale and lager to annoyed businessmen and exhausted workers from the hours of five o’clock to two o’clock in the morning. Work was grueling, but you tried to make as much fun of it as you could.

“It’s the least I can do, Al,” you sigh, flopping the dish towel over your shoulder as you lean over the bar. “Any juicy gossip for me today? I’ve been bored out of my skull since I clocked in and I still got another five hours ahead of me. I need some entertainment,” you groan, cracking your knuckles against the wood of the bar. The thought of another five hours dealing with more alcohol, more grumpy patrons, and another tired night made your head ache. 

Al takes a long sip from his mug, wiping the foam from his upper lip before speaking, “Not much gossip, I’m afraid.” You throw your head back and groan, taking an annoyed sip from your water. “Nothing interesting has happened, my dear,” he huffs in just as much annoyance as you. “We’re living in dark times, all news is usually disappointing, scary, or both. I’m looking for something hopeful just as much as you are,” Al confesses.

You tighten your ponytail and push your baby hairs away from your face, hands flopping on your shoulders as you slump over. Albert was right. The thought of a looming wizarding war over everyone’s heads was enough to keep everyone living in fear of when it would all come to a head and pop. At least working at the pub took your mind off of things, even if it was just for a few hours of the day.

“However,” Albert’s tone changes as you dart your eyes to him, curious. “I’m not sure if you’re familiar with the name Fleur Delacour? I heard through the grapevine that she has recently started working at Gringott’s. Desk job, but people were confused as to why should would come all the way to London for a silly desk job,” Albert explains before sipping from his ale again.

Your eyebrows furrow as the name does ring a bell. “The name sounds familiar. I certainly didn’t go to school with her or else I would know who she was. But the name is oddly recognizable...I’ll ask my younger sister when I speak to her next. She’s at Hogwarts now. I’m sure she’d know,” you tell Albert. “Anyone else take up a job? Familiar names or faces?” 

Al searches his memory for anything else. He presses his tongue to his cheek. “Yeah, there was someone else. William...I don’t remember the surname for life of me, but it was William something...” he trails off.

You think for a moment, trying to scan your brain for a William that you might know. But you drew blank. It had been so long since you saw anyone from your graduating class. You had spent most of your time in the pub or studying or applying for new professor jobs. But no one was looking to hire an under-experienced professor in these times, no matter how good your marks were at Hogwarts, regardless that you were top of your class in Defense Against the Dark Arts and Potions. The thought makes you infuriated because you knew you could teach this new generation of wizards better than anyone else.  

Shaking your head, “Well, whatever, if he was important, you would know his name.” Albert shrugs. “I need to go bring in some kegs from the back, I’ll be back in a second,” you tell him before go around the bar, walking to the back of the Leaky Cauldron, hearing snippets of conversations here and there, most people talking about the news or their families. It was sad; just two years ago people would be roaring with laughter, telling stories and jokes, recounting happy times. Now, everyone was so focused on how the world as you knew it may be crumbling around you. 

The cool fall air wraps around you as you push the door to bring the kegs from outside in as you pull your jumper over your hands to make some make-shift mittens. “Bloody hell,” you whisper to yourself as you see three kegs lined up outside for you to bring in. “Seriously, Tom?” you groan as you grab one keg and start dragging it. “I don’t get paid enough for this, I swear,” you grumble. 

“Need a hand?” a voice interrupts you as you drag the steel keg across the cobblestone. 

You look up and your eyes meet a pair that you haven’t seen in years. An instant smile rises on your lips as the all too familiar red hair is swept in the wind. “You’re kidding,” you laugh as you stand up straight, brushing off your jumper as he smiles widely at you with a chuckle. “Bill Weasley as I live and breathe?” you laugh as you run towards him, Bill engulfing you in a large hug. Your arms wrap around him tightly as he picks you up, your feet leaving the ground as you giggly madly as Bill sways you back and forth. 

It had been years since you had seen Bill Weasley. The two of you had attended Hogwarts together in the same year and became fast friends. You had always admired how Bill was so smart and confident in himself (borderline arrogant, but in the sexiest best way). Bill was a popular one at Hogwarts, but through it all, he always managed to make time for you since you liked staying out of the lime light. Bill was well-loved and revered at Hogwarts, so it was obvious that he became a prefect during your time. And that’s when you two started to drift apart. He became busy doing his things and you became busy with your own studies. After graduation, the two of you went your separate ways, but you always wondered where he had gone. 

Bill sets you down on your feet, his hands still on your hips as he smiled brightly down at you. He looked so mature now, longer red hair tied back in a ponytail, but he was still tall, thin, and undeniably handsome. The hunter green jacket he sported clung onto his tall figure, underneath a button down that was unbuttoned just enough so you could see the chest hairs that poked out from the loose material. Hanging from his ear lobe was a fang earring that wasn’t there before. Bill had changed, but in a way that caught your eye in a way that has never happened before. You gulped. 

“Godric, (Y/N), you haven’t changed one bit,” Bill laughs as he takes a good look at you as you mentally curse that you had been wearing something different than your old blue jumper and leggings with stained boots from the bar. “How long has it been? Seven years?” he speaks as you nod. “Bloody hell, it feels like yesterday we were at Hogwarts,” he recounts the memories fondly as your heart warms to the same memories.

You smile brightly, “Time flies, Weasley.” He chuckles. “We can talk more about it if you help me bring in these kegs and I’ll treat you to an ale on the house. Or are you more of a lager man?” you ask as you walk back over to the steel kegs that wait to be dragged into the pub. 

Bill chuckles as you grab one keg, starting to drag it into the pub. Without any hesitation or effort, Bill picks up the remaining two kegs in each of his hands, muscles flexing underneath his jacket as he shakes his head. You gulp and avert your eyes, trying not to focus on the way he so effortlessly carried the heavy steel kegs as you pushed yours in. “More of a whiskey kind of guy if you got any of that,” Bill tells you as you push the kegs towards the back of the bar, Bill places his two next to yours. “I didn’t know you were working at the Leaky Cauldron.”

Walking back to the bar with Bill by your side you speak, “Yeah. Been working here for a while now since there seems to be a hold on hiring newer, younger professors,” you roll your eyes as Bill laughs. Bill remembered how badly you wanted to be a professor and teach the younger generations of wizards and witches magic. It was your dream, but now it was on pause. “What about you? Why are you back in London? Last I heard of you, you were in Egypt!” you nudge his arm with your elbow.

He gives you a smile, happy that you had been keeping your tabs on him. “I was in Egypt for a long while. Loved it, really. But I came home to help my family out with the Order and such. I’m working at Gringott’s now at a desk job. Very exciting, I know,” he rolls his eyes as you giggle, making your way behind the bar.

A William working at Gringott’s. I should have known, you think to yourself. “Hey Albert,” you call over the man who sits just a mere stool away from Bill. “That new William who's working at Gringott’s now? It’s not just any bloke, he’s a Weasley,” you smile at Albert who looks over to Bill with a look of realization. “Bill, this is Albert, one of my regulars. Al, this is Bill Weasley, we went to Hogwarts together.”

Bill gives Albert a firm shake shake and warm smile. “Nice to meet you, sir,” Bill beams. “You’ve been in good company with this one, I’m sure,” Bill winks as Albert chuckles lowly.

“That I have been. She’s great company and serves an even better mug of ale,” Albert speaks as you smile sweetly at him, Bill laughing. “I would love to stay and chat longer, but I gotta get home to the family,” Albert tells you and Bill, putting on his coat before digging into his pockets and places and handful of coins on the table to pay for his drinks and tip you generously as he usually did. “I’ll see you on Monday, my dear,” Albert calls as he walks towards the door, you giving him a salute goodbye.

Bill speaks, “He seems like a good guy.” You nod as you take out a glass and start to pour him a generous glass of Fire Whiskey before placing it front of him. “How did you know I take it neat? What if I wanted it on the rocks?”

You give him a knowing look. “I know you, Bill. Last time I checked, you were drinking Fire Whiskey straight from the bottle at your graduation party,” you recall with a light chuckle as Bill groans at the memory. “You were off your rocker that night, I’m tellin’ you,” you start to laugh harder, remembering how Bill stood up on the dining room table of the Burrow, singing along to music that he blasted as everyone laughed and sang along with him. Graduation was such a happy time in your young adult life, you wished you could go back and relive it.

He rubs his face with one hand and speaks, “We were a mess that night, weren’t we?” 

“We? Don’t drag me into this, Weasley! I was perfectly happy having one drink, but it was you who made me drink bloody Daisyroot Draught! The smell now makes me sick,” you contort your face with disgust as Bill laughs. “I will admit though, I’ve missed you quite a bit,” you confess, playing with the edges of the dish rag in your hands as you look up at Bill.

Slowly, a smile finds its way onto Bill’s lips as your heart flutters gently as his eyes look into yours. He still had the same eyes that you adored so fondly as a child and teen. In his eyes contained all the memories of Hogwarts and late nights and sleepover at the Burrow. His eyes had laughter and joy in them that you so missed during times like this. You missed Bill Weasley. For more than one reason.

“I’ve missed you more than quite a bit,” Bill reveals as you allow heat to rise to your cheeks. “I missed having my partner in crime around. Sneaking into the kitchens and then getting caught by McGonagall,” he recalls.

You laugh, “Stop, and then she asked if she could join us!” The two of you are in hysterics at the memory of eating leftovers and sweets in the kitchens with Minerva McGonagall as third year students, chatting about school and life after Hogwarts. McGonagall had always taken a liking to the two of you. She always said that you two were peas in a pod.

Bill smiles and takes a sip from his whiskey before speaking, “How long are you working tonight? I’d be happy to stay with you until you clock out.”

Your eyes widen and you shake your head, “Oh no, I couldn’t ask you to do that. I’m the closer and we don’t close the bar down until two in the morning.”

With a cheeky smirk, Bill huffs, “Well, we’ve got a lot to catch up on and we got...” he looks at the clock on the wall, “four and a half hours to kill. So, start talking, (Y/N). We’ve got all night,” he speaks, dropping his left eye in a wink as you smile with a blush. 

-----------

For the next four hours, you and Bill caught up on everything. And by everything, you mean everything. His life after Hogwarts sounded much more interesting than what you had been doing to keep busy. Bill had been spending his time as a Curse-Breaker for Gringott’s, going on missions throughout Egypt, coming home to London here and there. You smiled as he recounted his stories with such passion and love in his eyes. It was evident that Bill loved what he was doing and he was sad that he couldn’t continue doing his job, now being stationed back in London at a boring desk job. Quite the downgrade from fighting and defeating mummies to working an office job.

Soon, people were filing out of the bar as closing time approached until it was just you and Bill in the pub. You had moved from standing behind the bar to sitting on a stool next to Bill, leaning on the bar as you listened to his deep baritone voice speak to you. 

Bill placed a hand on your knee, giving it a squeeze. “(Y/N)? Tell me something,” he speaks.

“Anything, Weasley,” you smile at him, sleepily.

Bill chuckles, “Why are you working as a bar maid when you could be going out and doing what you love? Teaching. You’ve always wanted to teach students magic and it doesn’t seem fair that you are parked behind a bar pouring ale and lager to lazy blokes.” You roll your eyes and shake your head. “I’m serious. What’s stopping you?”

You sigh and recount everything that has held you back from doing what you want. First off, no wizarding school in the United Kingdom was hiring any professor right now due to the climate of the wizarding world. The only other option was moving to America and maybe teaching there at Ilvermorny? Maybe Beauxbatons in France? But it wasn’t a guarantee that you could find a job with such little teaching experience under your belt. “Besides the hiring freeze? I have no experience teaching, Bill. Plus, I want to make money for myself right now so I can save it up and move into my own place rather than living in my small flat with a bunch of my mates. The only other jobs are abroad and I do not have that much money to make a move like that. Besides, my whole family is here. My friends. And you’ve just come back now and leaving just seems illogical,” you sigh, knowing that your dream would have to wait.

He shakes his head, “Excuses, excuses.” You shake your head and take a sip from the whiskey that you had poured yourself, the amber liquid warming up your chest and stomach. It tasted like graduation. “If I can teach a year at Hogwarts, then you certainly can. Besides, you were just as good, if not better, than me in Defense Against the Dark Arts. I’m sure they could use your help more than ever right now.”

Looking up at Bill, you see how tender and soft his gaze is on you. He really meant every word he spoke to you with genuine honesty. Looking at Bill now was like looking at someone who you had known forever. He really hadn’t changed one bit. He was witty and kind and smart and sweet. Your Bill. But at the same time, he was different. He had become so mature and ruthless and brave. It was a new Bill, a Bill you could get used to. 

You look down and see that his hand was still placed on your knee. Clearing your throat, you shift in your seat and Bill retracts his hand, digging it into the pocket of his jacket again as you take a sip of your whiskey. “Well,” you start, “I know I would be a better professor than you...I’m better at a lot of things than you,” you tease him as he rolls his eyes. 

“Oh yeah? Do I smell a challenge?” Bill laughs as you shrug. “Ah, ah, don’t start something you can’t finish, sweetheart,” he leans back in his chair, tongue pressed to his cheek as you gulp, the nickname making your palms sweat. “Go on,” he speaks, daring you to challenge him. “You chose.”

Trying to ignore the rapid increase in your heart rate, you swallow hard. “Fine,” you smile before reaching over to the other side of a bar, grabbing a jar filled with a red liquid and multiple bright red cherries. Twisting the cap open, you pluck out two maraschino cherries, one for you and one for Bill. “I can tie a cherry stem with my tongue faster than you can,” you smirk, flirtatiously biting the cherry of its stem as Bill’s eyes widen and he gulps, shifting in his seat.

He clears his throat, “Yeah? How much you wanna bet?” 

You think for a moment, trying to find a wager that would make this worth your while. “If I win, you pick up the tab from tonight,” you smile.

“I thought this was all on the house?” he scoffs with a smirk.

“Not if you lose,” you sing song, making him roll his eyes. “And Albert told me about a new worker at Gringott’s. Fleur Delacour? Yeah, you’ve gotta ask her out on a date,” you smirk. 

Bill’s eyes widen. “Fleur?!” he exclaims with a laugh. “She’s my co-worker! Plus, we’re just friends. Nothing’s there,” he reasons as you shake your head.

You laugh, “Well those are my terms if I win. Gotta get you out on the dating field, Weasley.” You tease him as he smirks, looking down at the whiskey glass in his hands. “And if you win?”

He thinks for a moment, swirling the whiskey around and around in his glass, pondering what his terms would be. Bill bites the cherry off the stem as you watch his lips move carefully, like you were in a trance of some kind. You quickly shake it off, trying to keep yourself from getting distracted by him. “If I win,” Bill huffs, “then first of all, the drinks are on the house. Second, you’ll have to stop by the Burrow because once Mum hears that you’re in London, she’ll have a cow,” he laughs as you giggle. Molly Weasley, what an angel. “And third of all,” he speaks, leaning forward on his elbows so he’s closer to your face as you inhale sharply, “I’ll ask whoever the fuck I want on a date.”

Your heart stops for a moment as your whole body tingles as the words all from his lips. You can’t take your eyes off of his you are frozen. Bill smirks at your reaction before slowly leaning back in his chair, biting down softly on his lower lip as you gulp. “O-Okay then,” you manage to make out, trying to reorient yourself as Bill chuckles. “Count of three?” you speak before placing the cherry stem in your mouth as Bill does his. “One...two...three.”

With that, the two of you start twisting your tongue around the cherry stem, trying to tie it before the other could. Your heart is racing a mile a minute and your stomach is doing flips as your mind is screaming what the hell is going on. The entire time Bill doesn’t take his eyes off of you, staring into yours. The act felt so inherently sexual that you could feel your palms sweat and a second heartbeat between your thighs grow. This was a terribly good idea. 

You can feel the cherry stem in your mouth finally slip into a knot as your eyes widen in victory, hand flying up to your mouth so you can show Bill the work you have done. As you hand reaches your lips, Bill’s fingers slyly pull his cherry stem out of his mouth just mere milliseconds before you. “I win,” he speaks.

“You cheated!” you instantly accuse him, pointing your finger at him.

Bill chuckles, “How did I cheat? I won fair and square and you know it, you sore loser.”

You shake your head, “I clearly won, you saw me! You had to have cheated, just so you could get free whiskey out of it!” Bill just shakes his head and grabs your chair, pulling you closer to him as you fail to notice as you keep rambling nervously. “Admit it, Bill, you just don’t like to admit that you’re not Hogwarts’ golden child anymore. You’ve out grown that title. Step aside for the new winner which is me, of course. You know I won, come on, Bill. I def-”

“(Y/N)?” he asks softly.

You realize that you are mere inches away from Bill now, his hands resting on either side of your stool. You inhale slowly and gulp, trying to calm yourself down to prepare for the inevitable. “Yes, Bill?” you respond just as softly.

“Shut up,” he whispers with a smile.

“Okay.”

Without further hesitation, Bill leans forward and connects your lips together as you inhale deeply, kissing him back and wrapping your arms around his neck instantly. Bill’s hands slide around your sides before hoisting you onto the bar, him standing between your legs as he kisses you deeper. You wrap your legs around his torso, drawing him closer to you, needing to feel his body pressed against yours. His lips move against yours with deep desire that he had been saving for so long and finally, you both were getting what you wanted for so long. His mouth tasted of the whiskey as you took more and more of it, drunk off of his kiss. 

His hands held onto you tightly, not daring to let you go as you lightly moaned into his lips, making him smirk. Bill’s tongue was cool against yours as he massaged yours with his, snogging you right in the middle of the bar. Your mouths moved together, lusting after the other’s touch. You hands ran down his chest and his abs as he groaned gently into your mouth, making your stomach flutter as you smirked softly. Bill’s hand cupped your cheek before making its way to the back of your neck, pressing your lips harder against his. 

You wanted to take him in this pub just like this, but Bill pulls away before you can push off his jacket. The two of you are breathless from kissing, chest heaving up and down, a smile on both of your faces as you blush a wild crimson. “You win,” you surrender to Bill who chuckles.

“I always win, sweetheart,” he winks before kissing you again, this time short as you whine when he pulls away. “And since I won, that means that this whiskey,” he points to his glass, “is on the house, you’ll be joining the Weasley’s for Sunday dinner, and on Monday night, you’ll be taking the night off so I can take you out on a proper date rather than just snogging on the bar of the pub,” he speaks as you laugh.

You run your fingers through his hair, “You mean you do like snogging me on the bar?” you tease him.

Bill furrows his brows, “Hey, hey, slow your roll. Don’t put words in my mouth now.” You laugh, placing your hands on his shoulders. “There’s nothing I’d rather do than snog you in every location of his pub,” he winks as you roll your eyes. “But I reckon a girl like you should be taken out on a proper date by a bloke like me, eh?” 

Pressing a chaste kiss to his lips, you speak against them, “It’d be my honor.”

“Wicked,” he smirked, giving your sides a squeeze before hoisting you down from the bar. “How about you lock this place up and I’ll walk you back to your flat. Can’t have precious cargo like you roaming the streets alone,” he speaks with a gentle tap on your bum as you roll your eyes.

You shove his shoulder teasingly, “Hey, just because you came back from Egypt, Mr. Big Shot, doesn’t mean you make my decisions for me.” Bill chuckles as you smile, “But yeah, I’ll let you walk me home, Weasley.”

[tomtenadia]

My Thursday crush

Rowaelin month - Day 4 - Library or librarians

It was a nice spring day in Orynth and Rowan was slowly walking to work. Headphones on and a book in his hands. He had developed the skill of reading and walking to the point of perfection.

His friends made fun of him but he always replied that if it was socially acceptable for people to walk with their faces in their phones and not paying attention, then a book was surely better. And he never bumped into anyone.

He stopped at the coffee shop around the corner from his job and got his usual order, placed the thermos in the backpack and walked the last stretch.

The library was still closed and it was his job to open it. He had volunteered for the morning shifts since he was a morning person and was happy to open up.

Once he was inside he went through the motions of opening up for day and getting the library ready. Rowan switched on the public computers and then did a walkthrough to make sure everything was looking good. He found a few books abandoned in places where they did not belong and groaned. He loved his job, he loved books. 

He had a degree in library studies and once graduated he applied and got a job at Orynth main public library. The place was huge and he had grown up visit the building a lot. He had started using it thanks to his mum who had passed her love for books to him. That love never left him and growing up he realised he wanted a job where he could spend his day with books. But people? People annoyed him. The way they would just abandon books after using them, or the way they sometimes they would not respect the peace of a library. He was not a people person. 

He grunted again and placed the books back where they belonged. Then he growled savagely when he noticed one abandoned on a chair, upside down, spine broken and a dog ear on one page as bookmark. Some people deserved to have their library card cut to pieces.

At 9am on the dot he opened up and welcomed his morning regulars “Good morning mrs MacLeod.”

“Oh, good morning, Rowan darling. Is my book here?”

He smiled at the woman and went to the shelf where they kept the returns that had been booked by someone else and grabbed her book.

“Yes,” he passed it to her “it was returned yesterday and we set it aside for you.”

The woman gave him a huge smile and he finished the loan procedure “I hope you will like it. It’s a nice story.”

“I am sure I will, darling. You always recommend me good books.”

He helped her to the door and went back to work, preparing the loan requests they had got online. A wide smile spread on his face at the name he saw on the list. He was not a fan of people but there was one person whose presence he had started to enjoy deeply. She was another regular and a bookworm like him. She had told him that she had to get some of her books from the library to avoid going broke on payday. He had laughed at the joke because it was the same for him.

She was a teacher and on Thursdays she was off and would always visit the library to return a book and get a new one. They would talk about what they were reading and he discovered they had the same tastes and he had been reading a lot of her recommendations. She was just obsessed with books as he was. Rowan had started to admit to himself that he was crushing on her. She had stolen his heart when one day she came to the desk and complained, outraged, that the book she wanted to borrow had a coffee stain on a page. They had raged for ten minutes together at the animals and his heart skipped a beat. It did help as well that the woman was stunning. Her hair was a deep gorgeous blonde and she had the most incredible blue eyes with an unusual ring of gold. Yes, he was definitely a fool in love and Thursdays were his favourite day of the week. Since she started visiting he had never had another Thursday off.

***

Aelin had a bad morning already. She had gone to the gym and found it closed for some obscure reason. Then an idiot on his phone bumped into her and made her spill her coffee. She had shouted a large list of expletives at the savage and left. It was Thursday and she could not let anything ruin her favourite day of the week. She was on her way to the library to collect the book she had reserved. But if she was to be honest to herself, she was looking forward to see Rowan. The librarian had become one of his favourite people, although they only meet once a week, her time spent with him talking about books was always precious. 

It did help that the man was hot. As in so unbelievably handsome that he was so out of her league. In the months they had interacted she had developed a crush on him and not just for his unique features. He had short silver hair and the deepest pine green eyes and the days he rolled his sleeves up to his elbows she had spotted a wonderful tattoo in the old language. He had an incredible nice build and tanned skin. He was hotness incarnated. A heart attack on two legs.

Knowing her luck with men, he was happily married, although on a closer inspection she had not spotted a wedding ring. Well, probably a super hot fiancee. She definitely stood no chance with him.

But she had liked him as well because he was smart and loved books just as fiercely she did. He was always ready to suggest some new titles and all his recommendations had been spot on. She had enjoyed every single book. A part of her wished she’d have the courage to ask him out and talk about books perhaps in front of a coffee. Aelin was actually curious to discover what else he liked.

Twenty minutes later she finally reached the public library. She loved that building and her parents had nudged her towards becoming a bookworm. They would read to her and once she was able to read alone, they would gladly buy all the books she wanted. Her childhood home also had a proper library and she would spend hours in there travelling with her imagination. 

She stared at the building and finally walked in. She climbed the marble stairs and reached the adult lending library section. On the lower floor they had an area all dedicated to kids.

She opened the glass doors and her eyes went straight to the desk scanning the area for a head of silver hair. Sadness hit her when she did not see him around. It really was going to be the day from hell. She walked to the fiction section and as she turned the corner around a stack of shelves she crashed into someone. What was with her and crashing into people today?

She was about to apologise when she looked up and noticed who she had bumped into. It was Rowan. Gods, even his name was perfect. That day he was wearing a blue shirt, the sleeves rolled up to the elbows, jeans and a pair of rimless glasses. She had so many improper thoughts.

“Aelin, sorry I didn’t see you…” his voice thick with his accent from Wendlyn. 

“Hi,” she managed, trying to bring her feelings under control “I thought you were off. I came in and you were not around.” Oh she sounded like a lovestruck teenager.

“I was placing some books back on the shelves.” He indicated the pile in his arms.

Aelin spotted one of the titles “that is a great story. I read it about five times already.” Pointing to a specific title.

Rowan had a look at the book and read the blurb “I’ll set it aside.”

“You look good with glasses.” She blurted out and then blushed. She was flirting like a moron.

He gave her a smile that reached his eyes and her heart skipped a beat. Gods, the things she’d do to him…

“I have the book you reserved, by the way,” and he started walking back to the counter and she followed. 

Aelin gave him her card and he processed the loan for her “you know the drill, right?”

“I am going home and spill coffee all over it.” Had it been someone else she knew he would have been horrified but that had become their inside joke. He knew she would never do anything of the sort.

***

Rowan processed her loan and took that moment to think about a good way to ask her out for coffee although he was afraid he was going to get a crushing rejection. She was probably taken already. A woman like her was definitely not single. Plus, she was definitely out of his league. He was about to ask her but froze and decided to leave it.

“I’ll just go and have a look around.” She told him, and he knew she was trying to put some distance between them. How could he even hope she would fall for him? He was the most boring man on earth. That was what Lyria had said when she dumped him. He sighed heavily and went back to his job but his gaze followed Aelin through the bookshelves. In his head he had different conversations he wanted to try. He usually was quite good and in the past he had picked up his share of women in pubs. But with Aelin it was different. He did not want to pass as a pig. All he wanted to tell her was that he found her attractive and fascinating and take her out for a coffee. Then he had an idea.

He walked to a shelf and picked a book that he knew she’d love. He was planning on recommending it to her another time but that was now his tool for his plan.

He scribbled down a note on a post it and placed it in the book, then walked to her “I was meaning to recommend you this one. Loads of angst but it’s a great story, and the female main character is just as badass as you like it. I already checked it out for you.”

The smile she gave him left him breathless “Thank you, Rowan. That’s why you are my favourite librarian.”

Eventually she had to leave and he wished it was Thursday already.

***

It was later in the afternoon when she got home after all her errands. She took her two books from her messenger bag and flipped through the one Rowan had given her until she spotted something bright green through the pages. She reached the post it note and read it.

I think you are perfect and a very fascinating woman. I will eagerly wait for next Thursday. Hopefully you will let me take you out for a coffee. Rowan.

She squealed in delight and texted Lysandra straight away to tell her about the message Rowan had left her. Rowan, the hottest librarian in the whole of Orynth wanted to go out for coffee with her. She could not believe it was happening, and she had to wait until next Thursday. She was off on Saturday but she had no idea if Rowan worked. She could try, she was so impatient to see him again that waiting was not an option.

***

Rowan got home later that night, got changed and crashed on the sofa and noticed the book abandoned there. It was one of the many Aelin had recommended to him. It was a great story, she definitely had great taste. He grabbed the book and thought about Aelin and the message he had left her. He had been so stupid. It was not high school, they were both adults and leaving messages like a lovestruck teenager was beyond pathetic. He should have talked to her like human beings did. He ran a hand through his hair and leaned back against the sofa. He had probably blown every chance with her. Who would ever go out with a guy who couldn’t even ask a girl out?

The following Thursday

Rowan had opened the library as usual but on that day a sense of unease was making him nervous. He still could not think about the stupid move about putting a message in a book for Aelin. He was positive she was going to ignore him the next time, or stop visiting altogether.

The morning had been busy with new applicants, his usual customers and an avalanche of requests to set books aside. Panic caught him when he saw one from Aelin. Which meant she was coming in and he was not ready. What could he say to her? Sorry I am bad at talking to people so I write secret messages like a teenager? He was embarrassed and he was not ready when he spotted her golden mane of hair appear at the main entrance. He tried to hide but she had spotted him and was now walking towards him with a huge grin. His heart started racing. Was just an impression or she was more gorgeous than usual?

Rowan saw her come to the desk and diligently wait for her turn while he finished serving the three people in front of her.

“Hi stranger,” she said to him once it was her turn.

Rowan felt a savage blush rise on his face “Hi you. I assume you are here for your book.”

Aelin nodded and passed him her library card “and for a coffee date.”

Rowan froze halfway to the computer. He cleared his voice “so you saw my message.”

“And I loved the idea. It reminded me of one of the books I read recently where one of the guard is in love with the princess, they are both bookworms and leave each other messages in books because they need to keep their relationship a secret.”

Rowan smiled “You got me. I took the idea from that book.”

The smile she gave him had the power to almost knock the breath out of his lungs.

“I don’t have school on Saturday. Fancy going out for a coffee?”

Rowan nodded “do you know the coffee shop around the corner from here?”

Aelin nodded in assent “I love that place.”

“I am off this Saturday, so if you want we can go then. It would be lovely to know more about my favourite customer.”

She took a step closer to him, only the counter separating them “favourite customer, eh?”

“Well, the one who gets outraged at people mistreating books. The one who understands my pain.”

Aelin cackled and her hand brushed his when she grabbed the card he was returning to her. 

“I have only one condition.” He added softly.

“Hm?”

“You let me pay. You can scoff as many pastries as you want. It’s my treat.”

She leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek “it’s a date.”

When she pulled back she noticed his beautiful green eyes set on her. Maybe she had been too forward?

He grabbed a piece of paper and scribbled something down “my number.”

Aelin grabbed the piece of paper happily and winked at him “Now I have to go. I have loads to do.”

Rowan was sad at the idea “Of course. I will see you Saturday, then?”

“Saturday.” Her heart raced and then walked out of the library thinking that she could not wait two more days before seeing him again.

Rowan followed her with his gaze, happy that she had appreciated and understood the message idea. His hand touched the spot on the cheek that she had kissed and he was positive he was grinning like a lunatic.

They had a coffee date. He could not believe his luck.

But most of all he could not wait for Saturday.

He went to the stacks, looked for a specific book and checked it out under his name, then scribbled a message on a post it and placed it in the book and set it aside.

Ready for Aelin.

She was his Thursday crush.

[theos-epitelesei]

One of these days I will change jobs and not panic/stress/worry about it the entire time I’m in the transition stages, when I’m just applying and not hearing back and waiting on other people to get their stuff together. 

Because I’ve changed jobs enough times now that I know that God has a plan, and I know He’ll be faithful to provide the right job at the right time, and that He’s not withholding good from me, but waiting to provide the best good for me.

I know all that. And I’ve seen it over, and over, and over again. Every job I’ve had has been the right job for that season of life. Even the ones that I kind of hated, or that sucked in the moment, or that didn’t pay as well as I would have liked.

And yet I’ve spent the last month desperately trying (and failing) to not panic, to not worry, to not stress about the lack of response to my applications. I’ve applied for every opening in my current district, applied and interviewed and withdrawn applications in my old district (even declined an interview; that was a new experience). It all got to be so overwhelming and discouraging this past week, and I was just pushing it all down trying to not worry, to not feel the stress. Thankfully God loves me, and the Holy Spirit pulled that all up on Sunday (which was rough but I needed to feel the Feels so I could move on), and my friends prayed for me.

Yesterday I broke down on the phone with my mom. Then I went to the library to get books for summer school, which I still need to plan because it starts next week. On the way to the library, I got an email from a principal about a job I applied for on Friday, asking to interview the same day.

Before I could reply to that email, another principal called to schedule an interview today. So in the span of an hour, I had two interviews set for two days in a row.

I had the first interview yesterday at 1:00, and after a 20 minute Zoom interview, they offered me the job. Conditional/unofficial offer since they need to check references and whatnot, but I accepted. Partly because I was caught off guard, but I also felt pretty peaceful about it. I mentioned that I had another interview today but was ok with them getting the ball rolling with HR. Since I didn’t hear from HR last night I’m still going to the second interview today. It’ll at least be good practice and maybe I’ll have some options to consider.

Anyway. God is faithful and good, and I know that and have experienced it over and over, but it would be great if my feelings would get on board with that knowledge at some point because holy crap this summer has been exhausting and stressful. (Also relaxing, because I was able to actually relax and just enjoy the first half of my summer break, so that was good.)

[dazenightmare]

Hello Z rambles this is me you're local supermarket news reporter making a lived report on the ongoing events within the Dream SMP Supermarket AU alright let's go

*Cues L'manberg news anthem theme*

"Good morning everyone it is another beautiful on our beloved small city of L'manberg it's 5 :26 A.M. now we have a several news report to make, Last night there being a major wild party that roars within the City's private club where a incident have occur that resulted in a few poison alcohol and several badly injuried many of the locals we interview last night that the cuz of the havoc that plunged the club is this about a Mexican Dream this anonymously person called about along with a Girl named Girl Dream the locals dubbed them with this happening the Police Chief have refused to confirmed nor denied the speculating rumours until they finished the investigation."

Cue another news report.

"Moving on now we also have a team of correspondent who have spotted the Mayor's wife Helga along with. Shimpry last night on the local motel of our city and the Mayor denied it was her wife being spotted last night."

*Cue another news report

"And now after a several weeks after the helper war a new event that occur within the supermarket which shocked the city. Where an Drunk Adult man named "Alex Jones" which being identified the leading podcaster and Conspiracy theorist have deliberately attacked and assaulted the store famous roller skater Tubbo with this incident a major blackslash and peer pressured have being made local residents which resulted on Police arresting the podcaster and now we just received information that this morning 4 : 32 A.M. Alex Jones is being released out of the jail with a bail of $900,000 on battery and assault with additional fines of $70,000 for damage to local property and $1 Million dollars yes you heard it right citizens of L'manberg $1 Million dollars for Tubbo and the other local residents that being a victim of the podcaster drunk violence with a letter from the Mayor's office issuing that the podcaster is clearly banned from entering, making business agreement and freezing his assets here within the City of L'manberg without further notice which the locals praised the mayor's reputation and swift action on the incident.

*Cue another news report

Local star celebrity Pokimane have being spotted on the Supermarket yesterday along with Corpse Husband the Supermarket Pharmacist buying essential needs which resulted one of the employee being fainted to due starstrucked that later identify Karl Jacobs.

*Cue an Commercial for Meat Helper*

"Are you an Orphan?" "Are you a tired of being a child playing all day and wanted to help your friends?" *cue children yes*

"Then come to Technoblade's Meat section on Dream Supermarket Today to applied on the job, there you gonna learn fun and exciting techniques to cutting the meat while Techno the Meat cutter silently and coldly stares at you until you cries" *Cue child crying* Come to Technoblade Meat session now

"The Second worse thing than happened to Oprans"

And now for the final news report for Morning Session. A new comer to the city called Cornelius have raised questions and speculation plunging the city which many pointed and compared the accurate physical resemblance of Manager Dream From Dream Supermarket and the newcomer Cornelius with also came with it adopted child named Robin was Cornelius and Dream the Mysterious manager is a far off brothers? Genetic resemblances? Honestly even i you're humbly reporter didn't conclude into this. And that is for today's Morning News this is your local Reporter Nicholas Diwa goodbye.

Honestly i have spent like minutes or maybe an hour or two into this clearly i am not a major on English grammar so i deeply apologize if i make an text or spelling error with that ahem... Anyways i think that it would be more chaotic that if i have mixed the A Tales of the SMP and the Dream SMP Characters but hey it's not like i have taking over your well... Doings on this AU but anyway hope you like this... Right? 😥

Oh my god I love this entire thing so much! Don’t worry, it’s great!! My face hurts from smiling help meeeeee

[stevenbasic]

The Tale of Queen Angie, Chapter 2

10 months later.

“So who keeps texting you?” Angie asked, trying to hide her annoyance as she did her makeup at the vanity, brushing on the heavy mascara that made her eyes pop. He had recently restored the makeup table for her, rebuilding a nice old piece that had caught her eye at a yard sale a few months back. It’s not that she had very particular tastes in furniture; she just wanted to keep him busy, focused on something for her...

From his spot on her queen-sized bed, AJ quickly reached over to the nightstand, pushing aside the tissues and lotion, and silenced his phone. Even though it was nearly noon, and a Tuesday, he still hadn’t gotten out of bed.  “It’s...nobody, babe.” “Don’t ‘nobody babe’ me,” she said, her eyes flashing to meet his in the mirror, “Remember? We talked about this. About keeping secrets, from me?” To that, AJ laughed. To sound aloof, though,  was a half-hearted effort,. She’s joking, right? It’s not like it’s another girl, ever. It’s just th- Well, better not push it. “S-so sorry, Angie,” he apologized, not wanting a confrontation again over something so silly, “It was the guys from work. They want me to come down to Stoney’s to watch the game.” 

He had answered honestly, not even sure he was capable of lying to her at this point. AJ had, since reconnecting with Angie at the reunion earlier this year, really fallen hard for her. And it wasn’t just the tits, which admittedly were initially the main attraction. She was also smart, driven, and there was an aggression about her that, these days, had really become appealing to him. He’d never would have considered himself a...what did they call it?...a “beta”, but there was something about the way Angie took charge, managed things, told him what to do that really, yeah, turned him on. More and more every day, in fact.  And not just in bed - though, haha, she did that too - but in life in general. Their romance started out with her as the aggressor, and as time went on it had become even more and more one-sided. She had been an infatuated admirer of his back in high school, but if he was being honest it was now really her that held most all the hand in this relationship. But he hadn’t seen the guys much lately, and he kinda wanted to get drunk and commiserate with them. Since losing the stadium job to that big new girly construction company, his business had taken a sour turn. He’d had to let most of his crews go, including a bunch of old friends. 

“They’re down there drinking, before noon, on a Tuesday?” Angie asked, as she saw him watching her, primping in the mirror in her silk dressing robe, “And these people are your friends?” 

“Well, yeah,” he answered, immediately feeling sheepish, immediately feeling like the little boy trying to explain himself to his mom. She had a way of doing that, making him feel infantile and not like the kinda-successful, twenty-nine year-old adult male he was, “but I’d just be going for a beer or two…” So...dammit... why was he getting hard..?

Annoyance was bubbling up in Angie Wade’s chest. He knew she had taken the day off, so they could spend the day together. And he wanted to go see his moron buddies, drink cheap beer and watch sports? True, she hadn’t paid him much attention this morning, and he was probably feeling a little neglected. I guess I should do something about that, she thought wryly. 

“Well, tell them you're busy,” she answered, applying a dramatic shade to her eyelids in the mirror. She was almost done. “Or better yet, just ignore them. They’ll get the message.”

At that, she stood up from her makeup chair and turned around in her short, thin robe of light rose, cinched at the waist. She was facing him now where he laid, half-sitting, on the bed. He had his grey sweatpants back on but was otherwise bare. She watched his eyes move up her body, pausing - predictably - on her well-presented chest before struggling to break free of the magnetic pull of her curves and meet her gaze. 

A part of him had really wanted to go meet up with his friends. To get out of bed and go do ….something normal. He’d been getting out of the house, aside from the less-and-less frequent work, not that often these days. But that desire to leave was small, and fleeting. No sooner had he really grasped how she’d made herself up today - just for him - than the thought had already vanished. Replaced, in its entirety, by her. “Put the phone down,” she told him. “Oh, uh...yeah,” he obeyed, dropping his phone, forgotten, on the nightstand and watching as she slowly began to walk towards the bed, “They’ll, uh...they’ll figure it out, I g-guess...” “Good boy,“ she purred, giving him a crooked smile that told him she was pleased with his behavior. Angie loved the way he always shuddered and grew quiet when she said that, when she called him a “good boy”. It was a thing, these days, women starting to treat their partners like children. She’d read it in the blogs she followed, heard it from friends and from the girls at work. They had all begun to like it; men, for the most part, seemed to be slowly giving up these centuries-old, macho defenses, letting themselves be vulnerable, allowing themselves to enjoy the pampering that women had started to learn was the quickest way to gain leverage and control in their relationships. And for Angie, well...she loved the way he responded to both her silent and explicit commands, just for the opportunity to hear her say those words. Good boy. He really did enjoy when she mothered him, she knew.  It was kinda pervy but it worked.

“Because we’re busy today, you and me,” she continued, still approaching the side of the bed where he lay, ”Today’s our day off together....” She looked down at him, tried to keep from smirking; already his cock had started to tent his sweatpants. “Not that you’ve been working much anyways,” she added, unable to help herself and speaking plainly. 

It was true. With more and more construction bids falling through during the 11th hour, his work kept him less and less busy, though he felt constantly exhausted from the stress. He had been spending lots of time here, at her place, remodeling her condo for her, sleeping over. His bank accounts had nearly dried to nothing, and the lease on his downtown apartment was up this month. Plan was to officially move in with her, soon. Angie said she didn’t need any money for rent.

Finally, she arrived at his bedside, to his left. She let him look up at her - she knew she looked impressive from this angle - and smiled down at him. She watched as he took the hem of her robe between his fingers, played with its slick, soft fabric. He was looking at her full thigh. She sat down, on the edge of the mattress aside him, and put her hand on his thin, tattooed chest. 

“Uh, yeah…” AJ finally replied, these little derisive comments about his work situation irking him less and less as time went on, “I’ve got another day to kill…I guess I can relax...”

“Well, you do have work to do today, baby,” Angie informed him, tracing little circles with her finger across his once-mighty pecs. She had told him to stop going to the gym early in their relationship - muscular guys were going out of fashion, she’d said - and it showed. He was naturally a lean person, and the strong physique he had spent years building and been known for had mostly disappeared. She liked that, the weak, small-boned look, she’d found. Her friends, like that gym-rat Missy (who just got a new job), could probably squat more than him now, haha. “I have jobs for you.”

“I thought I was pretty much all done?” His face screwed up in concentration as he tried to remember the long list of tasks. “I finished the kitchen island, a-and installed the new shower head yesterd-“ 

“Not that kind of work, sweetie,” she corrected, “Relationship work. I have the day off, I got all pretty for you. I bought some new goodies at Victoria’s Secret yesterday,” she smiled down at him, watching him try to control the little eager twitches of his, “Well, technically, you bought them for me…. but either way….”

She ran the fingers of her left hand up past his right collarbone, sliding up his throat, looking at the tender, bare, smoothly unadorned skin, and thought to herself with a secret, silent giggle: we need to get you a new tattoo...

Today she’d decided that she wanted to have some fun with him. They had all day together and she really wanted to feel strong and powerful. She had seen Melissa’s Instagram earlier, and while she would never admit to feeling lesser, she couldn’t deny that she really felt the need now to flex some feminine muscles. She looked down at him, and dark thoughts went through her head. 

“We’ve got alllll day together,” she continued, her free hand now gently tugging on the belt which held her robe closed, “and I want to make you ache.”

She smiled proudly as, as soon as her right breast began to come into view, he groaned. He was already so turned on, she could see that, like some brainless ape. She’d read the manuals, all those domme blogs. With everything that was going on with men these days, femdom was getting very popular. Some seemed sort of silly - so much leather haha - but there were lots of things she wanted to try, get his mind in the right place. She wanted to make him even more submissive than he was already, it seemed, naturally becoming. Showing him her breast was a start. 

“Don’t you want to show me how much you love me today, hmm?” Angie purred, peeling her robe back further, now, exposing her G-cup breasts in the new push-up, black strapless bra she’d purchased, “How much you love...them?”

“Oh, god, Angie…” AJ moaned, already overcome as he watched as she dropped her robe behind herself, off her shoulders.  Her breasts looked fantastic, enormous, pressed perfectly together into mind-melting cleavage. Her long dark hair had fallen softly onto her chest…

...but in a practiced move she pushed it back, over her pale shoulders, affording him a better view. 

“You don’t need to show me your endurance today, baby,” she said, as she settled closer on the bed to him, pulling his sweatpants down to his knees, “I’m not interested in how long you can last.” Acknowledging his erection with a proud smile, she pulled in closer still and grasped it with her left hand. She heard him gasp, and pulled herself in closer still, to bring her big right tit right close to his face. “Today I want you to show me how weak you are for me…and my breasts…”

AJ’s mouth dropped open, his eyes goggled at the cantaloupe-sized breast of his brunette girlfriend, now just inches from his nose and mouth. She had such big, perfect breasts, he marveled, with smooth ivory skin and just the fewest of freckles. She smelled like fresh fruit, he always thought, and today her perfume had him immediately fixated. He did feel weak for her, he thought, he always did, in bed. She just had this way...and those tits...

“Look what I’ve done to you already,” she said, the pride in her voice masking a haughty disdain as she slowly began to stroke him in her fist. She smiled as, predictably, he let out a little whine and opened his mouth wider. He was staring right at her big boob, unblinking. Tit men, she marveled, they’re so easy.

She shifted her left shoulder in towards him, now bringing her left breast closer. He looked from one, to the other, still gape-mouthed like a guppy. “Today I want them to make you cum over and over and over,” she said, wobbling them just enough to bring ripples through her alabaster flesh, elicit another whine from him, “I want them to be the only thing on your mind allllll daaaay. I want you to be dumb and docile, I want you to drool over them. I want you to fucking worship them. ”

“y-y-y-yuh...yuh, okay…” AJ responded, dumbly ogling her tits, passively frozen in place. He’d learned to keep his hands to himself, times like this. She would take care of it. 

“‘Yuh okay’ what?” she asked him, in correction, her left hand slowing to a stop as she waited for his answer. 

“y-yuh okay goddess,” he answered.

She chuckled. She’d taught him well. “Good boy,” she commended, loving the worshipful fealty she’d gotten from him over time; it made her feel good, fed her ballooned ego. She resumed her ministrations to his just-about-average cock, thinking: Does Melissa have someone calling her ‘Goddess’?? I think not...

”oh my god you’re so big,” AJ offered, as she placed her right breast once again straight in front of his face. 

“Mmhm…” she purred, feeling the urge to just squash her tit onto his mouth and nose, start to smother him, “I’m the big Titty Monster, come to eat you…”

He groaned again, his eyes fluttered in ecstasy. 

God, so submissive, she marveled. If all men, honestly, were secretly getting to be like this, she thought, girls are going to rule the world. “Tell me again,” she commanded, breathing in, pushing her tit even closer to him, so that soft flesh swelled over the cup. She kept her skin smooth, soft, moisturized, for times just like this. The few, faint stretch marks, she felt, were just a testament to her womanly size.

“y-you’re so big…” he complied, repeating himself, in total awe now. 

“Yes, I am,” she agreed, “a G-cup.” She had originally thought she’d just make him come quick - and with where she had him at the moment she could do it in an instant. But she was actually enjoying this. “And you like that, hm? You like big. Big boobs. Big girls. Maybe I should start going to the gym, get reeeeeal big?” she posited, looming over him taller now, “Get bigger than you? You’d like that too, wouldn’t you?”

“oh, god, yes,” he groaned. 

Angie smiled. Again, so easy. She’d seen it, knew it. It was getting plain as day to her. But she didn’t fully understand it all yet. What is up with guys these days, wanting their women big? Bigger than them? And she was feeling it too, she realized. She’d love to see him start to just shrink up, right in front of her eyes. Something was happening, something was going on. And she was going to figure this out. 

“What is it, baby? Tell me. What is it that you like, thinking about me being bigger?” she asked sweetly, continuing her slow, rhythmic attentions between his legs. 

His eyes were still planted on her tit, staring at her bra. “....b-b-breassts….” he moaned. 

She laughed. What a simple, predictable answer from a simple, predictable man. “Ohhhh..!” she giggled, teasing him, “Am I not big enough for you? Should I get implants? Big ones, like Amelia? Hm?”

From AJ, no answer.

“Hmmm, no. I think I know...I know what you want,” she continued, wickedly aware now of where his mind was,  “Maybe I should let you get me pregnant, so they swell up..?” She smiled, feeling his body tense up, quiver under her. She’d struck a chord. “So my milk comes in?”

Beneath her AJ groaned, loudly. 

So that’s another thing, hm? she laughed to herself. Typical, not surprising. Men wanted back on the tit, it just made sense, and she’d suspected it for a while now with him. She could use this, she mused. Oh yes, this was good...

“I saw how you woke up sucking your thumb last night,” she asked him, sliding her right hand up over his jaw, his cheek, to his lips, “Were you thinking about me?”

She put a finger in his mouth, watched his eyes go wide, his whole body spasm, again. “It’s okay, sweetie...” she offered, “...suck.” 

His eyes fluttered, he was close. There was no stopping it now. He sealed his lips around her forefinger, and began to suck. 

“There you go….” Angie purred, in a satisfied drawl. She felt his hips start to clench, and suddenly it was time.  She sped up in her stroking, to bring him home.  This was it. It’s too much for him. “Come for me,” she whispered, her hand beating him now, “Come for mommy…”

In a burst, in a groan, in a tensing spasm that shook the bed, AJ came in her hand. His mouth loosened its suction on her finger, so he could bleat his pleasures, but his eyes stayed wide on her tit. She milked him through his climax, purring little, maternal adulations along the way. Finally, his eyes closed, and he sank back into his pillow. 

She sat back, up straight, regarded the scene with a crooked, knowing smile. She wiped her hand on his belly. 

“Clean yourself up, get yourself ready,” she told him, standing up now after allowing him his few quiet moments of shame, “We’ve got all day together, baby…”

=============================

Co-written with AgeOfTheGiantess. More imagery, bonus storylines and other cool stuff at my Patreon

[totallysharkycomplete]

Waiting For You Part Three (Ford Pines x Reader) Her Family Too

“Morning,” Stanley grumbles as he enters the kitchen.

She told him he could stay the night at the cabin, but she wanted him gone in the morning. She doesn't reply, but grips the counter with white knuckles.

“Listen, I know you said you wanted me gone-”

“Correct,” she cuts him off, refusing to look at him.

“But listen,” he rubs the back of his neck. “I want to help, this is all my fault and I want to help you get him back.”

Again she is silent. Stan sighs and turns away from her, she looks at him walking away before noting the burn from yesterday peeking out from his tank top. She grabs his forearms to stop him. “Sit down,” she instructs before going to get the first aid kit. Although the first encounter with Stan made her lose her fiance, he was Ford’s family, which meant he was her family too, and family looks after each other.

He obeys and sits at the table. He watches as she sets the kit on the table for digging around for a few things. She moves behind him and applies something to his shoulder that burns. He hisses and slightly pulls away before settling back down. She knew it would burn but didn’t warn him.

“This is going to scar,” she informs him.

“It’ll be a good reminder to be less of a jerk,” he jokes, causing her to smile.

She continues to clean the burn, apply an ointment and a bandage. “You can stay until that heals. Just so I can make sure it doesn't get infected.”

“Uh, right.”

----------- The next few days are spent awkwardly shuffling around each other as she continues to take care of Ford’s experiments, while looking around the house for his journals. She didn't think he would hide them there but it was as good a place to start looking as any. The majority of the day she spends in the basement tinkering away at the portal.

Stan makes his way down there one day to find her wiping away tears as she rearranged some wires. Her arm was deep in a metal compartment and she was on her knees.

“I don’t know much about science, but aren’t you not supposed to mix water and electricity.”

She scowls at him having not noticed him come in, then turns away to dry the rest of her tears. “What do you want?”

“Like I said, I want to help, just tell me what to do.” He walks to stand in front of her but she doesn’t look at him. “I know I messed up, but can’t you at least look at me?”

“No!” She snaps. “You look so much like him!” A sob escapes her. “I hate it,” she cries. “I hate it so much! I hate you!”

Stan can feel the heavy weight of guilt in his chest increase. Still, he kneels down to embrasse her. “I know kid, I hate me too.”

To his surprise she holds him back while she cries. After a few minutes her sobs calm down and she pulls away. Her cheeks are tear streaked and eyes red and puffy. She looks up at him before looking away.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers. “I didn’t mean that. I don’t know you enough to hate you.”

Stan let out a chuckle.

“Also, I don’t think I’m being fair, I lost my fiance, but you lost your twin brother too. How are you?” She looks at him again, sincerity in her eyes.

Stan is taken aback. How could she be so caring about him when he just ruined her life? He swallows, feeling a lump start to build in the back of his throat. “Me? Just peachy.” He lies.

She stands up and moves back to what she was working on. “You’re a bad liar, just like Ford.” ----------- She agrees to let Stan stay with her indefinitely. Deciding she can’t kick her family out when he had nowhere to go. One day a few months in, he approached her with an idea to turn the cabin into a tourist attraction.

“A shack of mystery, The Mystery Shack!” He grins.

“No, definitely not. Absolutely not.” She argues.

Stan sighs. “Listen, you told me yourself the grant money had run out. Unless you want to get a job at that greasy diner, I’d like to hear what else you plan to do for money.”

She turns away from her work with a groan of annoyance. “I… I don’t know. That feels almost disrespectful to all of Ford’s work. Showing it off like some cheap roadside attraction.”

“We don’t have to use his work, sweetheart.” He coos, she makes an almost disgusted face at the nickname. “I’ll make up all new attractions, fake of course. Wouldn’t want the rubes of this town getting freaked out or nothing.”

Reluctantly she agrees. She moves the rest of Ford’s experiments to their room or the basement. Since Ford was gone their room seemed too big to be in all by herself. She moved into a smaller room across the hall, and with Stans help they sealed up his room until they could get him back.

It wasn’t long until Stan was getting customers. At least a few everyday. She had told him she wanted nothing to do with it though and spent her time in the basement.

A few months of this routine had passed, Stan swindling the townsfolk and anyone stupid enough to come in. He glued different animals together, bought wax figures, anything to get people in, and she couldn’t really complain. He was taking care of all the bills as she tried to fix the portal.

One night Stan heats up some soup and claims to have made dinner. The atmosphere while they eat is more tense than normal. Finally Stan decided to ask if he did something stupid and not notice.

She stares at the soup without looking up. “Today marks half a year, Stan.”

“Oh,” now it's his turn to stare at his soup. “I hadn’t realised.”

“Unless we can find the other two journals this is hopeless,” she cradles her head in her hands.

“As long as we don’t give up, it’s not hopeless.” Stan disagrees.

Later that night she sits in her new room on the edge of her bed. She looks down at her hand, and thinks about how empty it is. How empty she feels. How she would give anything to feel Ford’s hand in hers right now. How she’d give anything to not feel so alone. Her body shakes as she begins to sob. She lets herself have a real good cry for the first time in half a year.

Stan could hear her cries. He was standing outside her door which was cracked open. He was unsure whether to let her cry it out or if he should intervene and stop her from feeling so sad.

After letting her cry for a few minutes he walked into her room without knocking and sat beside her. He wrapped his arm around her shoulder and held her hand. She leaned her head onto his chest.

“When is this feeling going to stop? I don’t want to be sad anymore, Stan.”

“I don’t know kid,” was all he could say. Anything more and he would cry as well.

Eventually her cries died down and she began falling asleep against him. He tried to lay her down on the bed but she grabbed onto him.

“Please stay, I don’t want to be alone.” she sniffed.

He didn’t argue and layed down in bed next to her, a foot away. She held his hand as she fell asleep.

The year anniversary of Ford’s disappearance Stan cried for the first time. He thought he was alone as he stood in front of the broken portal.

“A whole year, huh, Sixer? Time flies. Don’t worry, I’m taking care of the kid for ya’. We’ll have you back in no time, we…” Stan lets out a sob and places his hand on the portal. He allows himself to cry. Even when he feels arms wrap him in a hug from behind he continues to cry.

She presses her forehead to his back and holds him while he cries. When he begins to calm down she lets go and wordlessly excuses herself from the room, knowing he wouldn’t want to talk about it. ---------- Three years pass and still not much has changed, except Stan has roped her into working in the gift shop on busy days. He doesn’t like how much time she spent in the basement, and she had to admit she liked the experience of talking to people who were traveling. Most had a fun atmosphere about them.

However, on day a familiar face comes in. Stan was already on a tour when the door chimes. “Welcome to the Mystery Shack, tours are every half hours and…” She stops when her mind registers who it is. “Fids!” She shouts and runs around the counter to give him a hug.

He chuckles. “Good ta’ see you to, friend.”

“What brings you here?” She lets go of him and takes a step back.

“I kept hearing about this ‘Mystery Shack’ and had to find out if it was really this old cabin.” He tells her.

She bashfully looked at the ground. “The grant money ran out. Had to make money somehow.” She confides in him.

“I just never thought this would be Ford’s style.” He confesses, and watches her face fall into a frown.

“Fids, I…” She thought hard about how to tell him. “You were right about that portal being no good. I….” She sighs. “There's so much I need to tell you.”

“How ‘bout we have dinner and catch up sometime then?” He smiles, not knowing that Ford wasn’t included in the ‘we’.

She offers him a small smile. “That'd be nice.”

They agree on a date and time for her to come over to his place, and he goes to leave when Stan ushers a crowd of tourists into the gift shop. He makes his way over to you.

Your face is panicked and you look from him to Fids. Stan leans against the counted and mouths to you, “What a bunch of rubes.” He then turns to Fids and offers him his hand to shake. “Mister Mystery at your service.”

Now Fids looks at Stan’s hand, then to her, back to Stan. She sighs and places a hand over Stan’s, pushing it down. “Stan, this was mine and Ford’s colleague, Fiddleford.”

Stan’s eager grin falls from his face. “Oh,” he clears his throat. “Well I got a tour to give.” He excuses himself.

Fids gives her another look. “I’ll explain everything.”

A few nights later she arrives at Fiddleford’s house. He’s made a simple pasta dinner and they enjoy some small talk as they talk about their time in Gravity Falls. When they’re done they go and sit on his couch.

“I see Ford finally popped the big question.” Fids smiles as he looks at the ring on her finger.

She fidgets at it with her thumb. “He did, and we were on a spaceship no less.”

“No kiddin’?” He ignores the spaceship part as much as he can. “So what’s been going on in that cabin in the woods?” He finally asks.

She lets out a heavy sigh. “So it all started around the time you left.” She begins, and explains everything that happened, Ford falling into the portal, Stan taking care of you and the cabin.

“I’m so sorry,” Fids lays his hand on her knee. “I knew no good would come of that portal,” he said almost under his breath.

“If only we had listened to you sooner. Maybe all of this could have been avoided.” She sighs and leans her head against his shoulder, his hand not on her knee wraps around her shoulder and rubs circles with his thumb.

She can’t help but feel so welcome to the touch. It had been so long since a man had touched her. She stopped her thoughts there. Fids is just being kind, don't be a pervert, she scolded herself in her mind.

Her thoughts quickly changed, however, when he softly said her name. She tilted her head to look up at him, and his hand from her knee moved to hold her chin. He looked in her eyes for any sign she wanted to pull away, but she didn’t. Instead she leaned up to hesitantly kiss him.

He kissed her back, more sure of himself than she was. After some kissing he slowly layed her back on the couch.

“Is this too much? If ya’ want I’ll stop just say the word.” He checks.

“Fids, it’s been so long since I’ve been touched. Please.” She almost whimpers, and he complies.

They’re time together is quick and imperfect, but leaves her feeling satisfied. Almost as soon as they are done she moves to put her clothes on.

“Leaving already?” He smirks.

“Fids, I…” She's unsure how to explain what that was. A moment of need and lust with no feelings?

“I’m just teasing, darling. Don’t have to mean nothing if ya’ don’t want it to.” He stands to dress as well, then walks her to the door. “Doors open anytime ya’ need me.”

She nods in understanding before scurrying off to Stan’s car she had borrowed. When she returns home her hair is out of place, shirt not tucked in correctly, and of course Stan is up late enough to comment.

“How was your date?” He jokes before he actually looks at her. He gives her a quick once over before grinning ear to ear. “You got laid? Nice!” He raises his hand for a high five but she just scowls at him.

She and Fiddleford see each other a few more times before calling it off. She can tell too much of his heart is in it and she doesn’t want to lead him on. He understands and they go their separate ways. It’s not long before she hears a rumor he’s got a steady girlfriend, and not long after that that he’s married with a kid.

The next time she sees him he’s not himself. He’s panicked and his country accent is more prominent than normal. He explains how he’s been using his memory eraser on himself, how all the things in Gravity Falls is too much for him. She tried to get him to promise to stop but he refuses. They argue and he raises his voice. She leaves, not to see Fiddleford for almost thirty year. ----------- She absolutely opposed the idea. “So let me get this straight,” she’s pinching the bridge of her nose, a habit she definitely picked up from Ford. “You want to fake your death?” She watches as Stan nods. “And pretend to be Ford?” He nods again. She slams her hands down on the table. “For what reason on Earth would you want to do that?”

“Listen, I’ve made some mistakes in my life,” he pauses as the look she gives him pretty much says she knows. “So I may have multiple warrants out for my arrest. If I’m gonna keep running the shack. It needs to be like Ford Pines and not Staley Pines!” He insists.

She sighs knowing he’s a little right. Sitting down at the kitchen table she looks up at him. “What about your mother, Stan?”

He pauses confused. “What about her?”

She scowls at him. “What do you mean ‘what about my mother’? Stanley Pines she's going to be heart broken. Not only has she not heard from you in almost ten years, the next thing she's going to hear about you is that you’re dead?” She pauses and thinks for a moment. “Well actually…”

“Well actually what?” Stan grunts.

“The last thing she heard about you was that you had joined Ford and I for Thanksgiving last year.” She looks up in thought. “At least that’s what my letter said.”

“You’ve been writing to my mother?” Stan’s face is distraught.

“Oh course I have! Ford never stopped working long enough to call her, so I started writing to her.” She looks annoyed at Stan.

“Did you say anything about…” He moves his hands awkwardly.

“Did I tell her Ford fell into a portal to another dimension and has been missing for almost five years? Yeah, Stan, I told her that.” She mocks. “Oh course I didn’t! To your parents and brother’s knowledge, Ford is still hard at work here in Gravity Falls with his loving girlfriend!”

Stan looks at hurt like a kicked puppy and she sighs, before saying she’d be right back. When she returns she has a handful of hand written papers. “These,” she sets them on the table, “are all from your mother.”

Stan looks over at them as she spreads them out. “I, listen Stan.” She gently touches his shoulder. “I know you haven't talked since you were kicked out, but your mother still loves you. Maybe… I don’t know, write her a letter before you go through with your choice.” And with that she leaves the room.

Stan waits a moment then sits down at the table. He reaches for the letter on top and begins to read.

Dearie, Thank you so much for taking the time to write. I know how busy Ford is. I love the picture you sent of you and Ford at the waterfall, we have it hanging in the living room. When are you two getting married? I can only wait so long for grandkids!

I was surprised to hear Stanley joined you for Thanksgiving, I didn’t even know he and Ford were talking again. Makes my heart glad to hear two brothers can make up. How did he look? Was he taking care of himself? I love that boy to death but he never did a good job taking care of himself. He needs a good woman like you in his life!

Stan sets down the letter, unable to read on through the tears that are clouding his vision. He wipes some away before deciding on what to do. After finding a pen and paper he sits back down to scrawl out his own message.

Hey Ma, Long time no talk. Listen, this message will be short. I know you haven’t heard from me in awhile I just wanted to say hey. Hope you and the old man are well, Shermie too.

I’ve been having the time of my life traveling the country. I even visited sixer and met the lovely lady in his life, boy what a catch, huh? Anyways I’ve got to get going. Adventure awaits and all that.

Love you, Stanley Pines ---------- A few days later she's sitting in the cabin kitchen to read the paper, she unfolds it to read STAN PINES DEAD across the front of it and sighs. She looks up at him over the paper and he’s staring out the window.

She sets the page of the newspaper aside. “Who’s going to tell your family?”

Stan eventually sits down at the phone and dials a number. His voice isn’t his as he pretends to be his brother. “Hello, mother. Yes, we’re doing just fine thank you for asking. Listen, I, uh, I have some bad news.”

She watches as he talks to his mother. Tears form in her eyes at the sounds of Ford’s voice. She wondered how he could sound so perfectly like him. Stan said a few more things before motioning her over.

“Ma want to talk to you.” Stan says.

She wipes a tear away and takes the phone. “Mrs.Pines, I’m so sorry. Yes, I know.” Stan listens to one side of the conversation. “Yes, ma, of course he knew you loved him.” She looks at Stan with tears in her eyes. “Of course he loved you too.”

Stan turned from her to hide his tears.

At his funeral she made an excuse, saying Ford was too heartbroken to come, as Stan watched from a distance away, as his family buried an empty casket in the ground. On the drive home she lay her head in Stanley’s lap, red eyes from crying with his mother.

They were silent for hours until she spoke. “Stan?”

He grunts in response.

“Do you think….” she doesn’t finish her thought.

“Don’t say it.” Stan frowns.

“Do you think Ford is dead?” She chokes out.

Stan pulls the car over to a screeching halt. She’s startled and sits up.

“Don’t,” he whispered before raising his voice. “Don’t you ever think like that!”

Stan stops from yelling more when he looks at her. Her shoulders are hunched over and her head is down, her hands held over her chest. Stan could compare her to a lost kitten.

He groans. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell at you, but we can’t afford to think like that. Ford’s alive I can feel it. If anything happened to him, I’d know.”

She nods, still clearly shaken by his sudden agner. He sighs and motions her closer, she complies and he pulls her into a hug. “I’m sorry I yelled.”

“It’s okay,” she murmurs into his shoulder.

One morning a few months later the shacks received a call that Mr.Pines had passed. She’s there to comfort him, and a few years later he gets the same call about his mother, she’s still there by his side.

---------- On the thirteenth year anniversary of Ford’s disappearance, as she still called it, Stan found her sitting in front of the portal reading his journal. He sighed and sat down next to her.

“This is no way to spend a Friday night, kid.” He says.

She smiles, but it isn't sad. “It’s a fine way to spend it for me.”

“You seem awfully cheery for… today.” Stan comments.

She sighs, almost sounding content. “It’s just, the more time goes by the more sure I am we’ll get him back.”

He just stares at her. “Well I’m glad you feel that way. But for me, tonight I’m thinking about pitt cola and some dark liquor. Care to join?”

She snaps the journal shut. “Absolutely.”

A few hours later they are playing a childish game of never have I ever, clearly calling the other out. He’s sat in his armchair, she’s sat on the dinosaur skull next to him.

“Never have I ever been to jail.” She sneers as Stan drinks from his cup.

“Never have I ever kissed someone’s twin brother.” Stan sneers back. She rolls her eyes as she drinks.

“Never have I ever faked my death.” She laughs.

“Never have I ever, um, slept with my fiance's college roommate.” He watches as she narrows her eyes at him.

“That’s low Stanley,” she takes a drink. “Never have I ever lost a girlfriend to a hippie.” She bites her lip to stop her shit eating grin.

Stan frowns as he drinks. “Alright I’ve had enough of that game.”

“Why,” she jeers. “Because you know I have more dirt on you than you do me?” She turns to straddle her chair.

He grumbles some excuse and drinks more.

“Oh that’s exactly why.” She takes a drink.

“Well what do you expect, kid? I’ve lived a life of crime and you went to college and met a nice boy, who swept you off your feet to a romantic cabin in the woods.” He huffs.

“Hmm,” she thinks. “I suppose that’s true. Stan why haven’t you found a nice girl, or guy, to settle down with?” She asks sincerely.

“I’ve been too busy. Plus I got you to take care of.” He laughs as she punches his arm.

“I could take care of myself if you want to go off and get married. You’re a total catch Stan, some girl would be happy to be with you.” She smiles and finishes her drink.

“Flattery will get you nowhere.” He jokes.

“I’m just being honest, any Pine’s boy is a catch. Why do you think Sermie is already married with a grown kid? Plus I got lucky and snatched up the cute twin before someone else got him.” She jokes and Stan shoves her shoulder playfully, however in her buzzed state she begins to fall back. Stan moves to catch her, both his hand landing on her shoulders.

“Thanks,” she breaths, her face right next to his. Before she knows it Stan leans in and gives her a kiss. She kisses back, after a few kisses they both pull back.

She laughs and covers her mouth. He chuckles too.

“Yeah, that was weird.” He states.

“Yeah, don’t do that again.” She bursts out laughing and he blushes. ---------- On the twentieth anniversary Stan wakes up to the sound of banging. He sits up with a start and heads down stairs to the basement. He finds her hard at work tinkering away.

“You alright, kid?” He asks.

“When are you going to stop calling me kid, Stanley? We’re a few years apart, not to mention, we’re almost senior citizens.” She smirks.

“Gross, don’t say that.” He scratches himself. “But what are you doing down here so early?”

She continues what she was working on. “I just feel like we’re so close. Closer than we’ve ever been. Don’t you feel it too?” Her eyes are bright and hopeful.

Stan doesn’t really feel the same, but with the look she’s giving him, there's no way in hell he’d say it outloud. “I trust your instinct.” He starts helping her before she yells at him to go put on clothes and change out of his slippers. ---------- It's a gloomy day outside, the wind is howling and the snow comes down in blankets. She's sat in the arm chair with a pen and paper, writing something down when Stan walks by.

“What’re you up to today, toots?” Stan asks.

She doesn't reply lost in her writing. He leans over to take a look before she pulls it against her chest.

“Are you writing a letter?” He quirked an eyebrow. “Isn’t everyone we know dead?”

She scowls. “You still have two brother who are alive, buttface.”

“You write Shermie?”

“Not often but I do. This isn’t for him though.” She pouts.

Stan pauses and thinks before he speaks, what a rarity. “It’s for Ford?”

She slowly nods. “I’ve written him a letter every year on his anniversary since he’s been gone. Today marks twenty five years. Just in case.”

“Just in case what?” Stan frowns.

She lets out a small laugh. “Stan we aren’t exactly spring chickens. I could have a heart attack tomorrow and-”

“Don’t talk like that, Ford will be back soon, you won’t need those lousy letters to tell him what’s been going on around here.” Stan states gruffly.

She smiles. “I’m sorry if me talking of my own mortality upset you Stan. I won’t mention it again.” ---------- “Shermie’s grandkids are coming up for the summer.” Stan tells her one morning over breakfast.

“Really?” She beams. “I can’t wait to meet then, Stanley that’s so exciting!” Her smile wavers for a second. “But, Gravity Falls really isn't the safest place for kids.”

“What was I supposed to tell Shermie’s kids, No they can’t come because there's gnomes and mythical creatures in the forest?” He pinches his nose. “It’ll be good to get those city slickers in the forest for a while, toughen them up.”

“How old are they?”

“12.”

[bonnyskies]

come back to me [three] ⇢ jjk

you’re willing to do anything to save your marriage, even if that meant you’d have to sacrifice your own happiness to do so.

pairings — husband!jungkook x malereader, ft. ceo!jaehyun (that’s right babes, he’s in here)

genre — angst, sexual themes, idol au, exes to lovers-ish au, open relationship au, marriage au, parents au

series warnings — infidelity (kinda?), swearing, bisexual!jungkook, insecure!reader, unhealthy relationship, unrequited love-ish, slow burn, use of alcohol, mentions of divorce problems, (more could be added in future chapters)

word count — 2.7k

masterlist

You were utterly exhausted.

After last night, when discovering that Jungkook left you in the middle of the night to be with her, you didn’t get much sleep after that. You just laid out on your bed, staring up at your bedroom’s ceiling with tears in your eyes.

This morning, you felt like absolute death. Bags were evident underneath your eyes and your hands that were trembling uncontrollably, resting by your sides. It took you nearly two hours to get ready compared to your usual one, due to the fact that you couldn’t stop crying.

Jungkook didn’t come home in the morning, didn’t even bother to send you a single text.

It was painful, realizing that your relationship has to come that point where you two acted like complete strangers with each other rather than a married couple. Ten years together, and you never once thought it would ever come to this.

“Hey,” you instantly jumped in your seat at the sound of a man’s deep voice, breaking you away from your troubling thoughts with your heart stammering at a fast pace. When brought back to reality, your eyes landed on none other than the CEO of Jung Enterprises and your boss—Jung Jaehyun. “Are you alright? You seem out of it.”

“Y-Yes, sir.” You answered, clearing your throat. “Just tired, that’s all.”

Jaehyun nodded hesitantly, unsure of your answer but decided not to push it any farther. “Oh, okay.” He then approached your desk, “Remember we have that meeting with our sponsors in about ten minutes. Is everything ready for the presentation?”

“Yes, sir.” You replied again, standing up from your chair and handing him the file that you two put together for today’s conference. “Would you like to go prepare for the presentation?”

Jaehyun nodded, “That’d be good.” He then walked over to your office’s door and opened it, allowing you to step out first, which you did. But when you passed him, you were stopped when Jaehyun suddenly grasped your wrist. “And {Name}, I’d like to also apologize for what happened yesterday.” The reminder made your heart stutter inside your chest. “It was highly inappropriate for me to do that, and I’m sorry if I anyway made you feel uncomfortable—”

“Sir,” you interrupted, “You didn’t make me uncomfortable. It was just shocking that’s all.”

And once again, Jaehyun only nodded, shoving his hands into his suit’s pockets. “Well, I’m still sorry.”

“It’s alright sir, really.” You smiled reassuringly, reaching up and gently placing your hand onto his bicep, feeling your cheeks heat up at the feeling of the strong muscle. You two then shared a small smile with each other before heading towards the conference room.

While walking alongside him, you couldn’t help but think about what yesterday’s events. The memories resurfacing in your mind.

.

When entering your workplace’s building, you couldn’t stop thinking about the conversation you and Jungkook just had in the car.

You didn’t know whether you believed him or not, if he was telling the truth when he said that he’d change and start trying. You just hope that he was. You’ve been left disappointed by him too many times already.

As you made your way to the building’s elevator, you were suddenly stopped by the company’s receptionist, Jenna. “Hey, {Name}.” Her cheery voice made you slightly irritated. Ever since the downfall between you and Jungkook happened, everything and everyone that resembled happiness made you feel sick. “Mr. Jung has requested for you to come to his office first thing today. Something about having to prepare a presentation for some visiting sponsors tomorrow.”

“Okay, I’ll head right up.” You smiled fakely, nodding.

After entering the elevator and going up to the highest floor—level twenty specifically. The few workers that worked on the level gave you greeting smiles, already knowing who you are. Out of everyone in the company, you’re the one who’s closest to the boss. You are his assistant after all. And since you’re so close to him, that meant you didn’t have to knock before entering his office.

“Hello sir,” you greeted warmly, smiling at the sight of Jaehyun behind his desk, dressed in the finest suit that hugged his figure perfectly, making every muscle in his body look more define.

“Hey,” Jaehyun greeted back, briefly glancing up from his computer with a bright smile on his face before returning back to the screen. “Glad that you’re finally here.”

“Yeah, sorry.” You apologized, closing the door behind you and quickly taking a seat at his desk. “I had a meeting with my son’s teacher this morning.”

“It’s alright, {Name}.” Jaehyun was quick to reassure you, noticing your uneasy expression. “I know you. You would never be late for work unless it was an emergency.” He then continued when seeing you begin to calm down. “Is everything alright with Minho?”

Your heart warmed at the mention of your son. Jaehyun knew about Minho—even met him, and your son even saw him as his ‘samchon’. “He’s okay, just some behavior problems.”

“Well, if you need any help, just let me know.” Jaehyun offered kindly, making you smile.

“Thank you,” you replied gratefully, smiling. “Now, about that presentation. Should we get started on creating it?”

“Yes,” Jaehyun answered instantly, turning one of the two computer screens he had on his desk towards you. “Now, I’m thinking of doing this type of set up for the presentation...”

The two of you spent the rest of the day on this important project. And after seven excruciating hours of staring at the computer, creating slides, applying data, you two were finally done.

With the once clear bright sky replaced with complete darkness, you and Jaehyun were still in his office, glass of wine in hand as you two celebrated this small accomplishment. By far, out of the five years you’ve worked for him this is the longest time you two spent on a simple presentation.

“Thank you for helping me with this.” Jaehyun showed his gratitude, smiling against the glass’s rim before taking a small sip. “I wouldn’t have been able to do this without you.”

“Oh, stop.” You waved him off, lowering your head to hide the evident blush that was forming on your cheeks. “You’re just saying that because I’m the only one who is willing to stay after hours with you.”

Jaehyun chuckled. The sound of his deep laughter sending shivers down your spine. “No, seriously. {Name},” he then suddenly reached over and placed his hand on top of yours. “Without you, I’d be lost. You’re the one who keeps me grounded, who keeps me from going absolutely crazy from the stress.”

“W-Well that’s my job.” You anxiously stuttered out, staring at your conjoined hands. “I’m your assistant. I’m suppose to help you with everything.”

“That’s not what I meant, {Name}.” His voice, the way his said your name made your heart skip a beat. Silence filled the room as you two just stared at one another, eyes shifting down at each other’s lips.

You didn’t know who made the first move, but next thing you knew his lips were on yours, and you were laid out on top of his desk. His tie and jacket discarded on the ground and the first few buttons of his dress shirt undone, showing off his sharp collarbones. Your entire body was burning as your lips moved perfectly in sync with his, hands sliding down his toned torso, feeling his define muscles through the shirt’s material.

It was like you were in another world, the feeling of his lips moving away from yours and moving down your jawline and neck, leaving small, lingering kisses on your skin. You didn’t realize what you were doing until you felt his hands that were resting on your waist begin to move up and slide underneath your shirt, caressing your stomach.

Panic swept over you, making you instantly push away and wipe your lips with your hand. “Jae stop, I-I’m married.”

Jaehyun pulled away, taking a few steps back. “Shit, sorry. I-It’s just that—” he paused, running his hand frustratingly through his light brown hair, “—you haven’t talked about Jungkook for a long time and you haven’t been the same lately so I just thought you two separated.”

Your heart sunk from his words. “N-No, it’s okay. You don’t have to apologize.” You were standing up now, biting down on your bottom hard enough to where it drew blood. “Me and Jungkook are going through a rough patch right now,” you partially lied. “That’s why I’ve been acting differently lately.”

Jaehyun only nodded, swiping his thumb over his swollen lips. Neither of you knew what to say to each other.

“I-I should go,” you pointed towards the door. Again, Jaehyun nodded, reaching down and picking his jacket and tie up from the ground. “I’ll see you tomorrow, M-Mr. Jung. Have a good night.”

“You too,” was the only Jaehyun could bring himself to say as he watched you leave, chest heaving and lips still burning from yours.

.

“Well that meeting was a complete success,” was the first thing you said as you and Jaehyun entered his office, dropping the used file onto his desk before leaning yourself against it. “Congratulations, sir. You just got three new sponsorships for the company.”

“All thanks to you.” Jaehyun grinned, walking over to small fridge he kept inside his office and pulled out a bottle of champagne and two glasses.

You shook your head before correcting him, “Thanks to us.” You then watched as he poured himself and you a glass. “Are you sure drinking is a good idea? You still have to drive home.”

“I’ll be fine,” Jaehyun instantly reassured, handing your glass. “Plus we’ve got celebrate.”

Hesitantly you took the glass of champagne, “Would you be able to take me home?” And when he nodded, you gave in and took a small sip of the beverage.

And one glass soonturned into three, and then to four and now, you were completely wasted. You’ve always been a light head but Jaehyun, he was completely fine, pouring himself his fifth glass while watching you trying to hold in the champagne with amusement. “Okay, maybe that’s enough for you.”

You pouted when he took your half-empty glass away before gulping down his own. “Are you ready to head home now?” You then nodded.

Jaehyun and you then left the building, not having to bother saying goodbye to anyone else since you two were the only ones left at work. Jaehyun then led you towards his car, which was a beautiful black Ford Mustang. The sight of the expensive vehicle made your jaw drop, making Jaehyun chuckle at your stunned expression before opening the passenger door and allowing you to enter before closing it behind you.

“What is it?” Jaehyun asks the moment he starts his vehicle but doesn’t move, watching you with amusement as you looked around the inside with complete adoration. “Ugly?”

“No,” you instantly shook your head, smiling as you turned to face him. “It’s just really beautiful.”

Jaehyun raised a brow, “Doesn’t Jungkook have something like this?”

You shook your head, frowning slightly at the mention of his name. “No, he chose to trade it in for a more family friendly one for us when we got Minho.” You answered, running your hand gently across the dashboard’s smooth material. “We got a Mercedes SUV, but still, sometimes I miss his old Camari.” The many memories of the times you and Jungkook used to spend in his car began to flash through your mind, warming your heart. “It reminded me of the good old days with him. When everything was simple.”

Noticing the tears beginning to glisten in your eyes, Jaehyun reached over and placed his hand on your thigh, squeezing it reassuringly. “Hey, you okay?”

You quickly nodded, clearing your throat and quickly blinking away the tears before they had the chance of escaping. “Yeah, I-I’m fine. Let’s just go, yeah?”

Jaehyun kept staring you, eyes filled with concern but nonetheless nodded and started to drive.

The drive was completely silent, neither of you saying a word to each other. The silence wasn’t uncomfortable though, but rather the opposite. Jaehyun and you were close with one another, close enough to where you two didn’t even have talk and yet still feel comfortable with each other.

When arriving at your house, your heart instantly sunk when seeing that Jungkook’s car wasn’t in the driveway. It was near eleven and his practice ended at eight. You knew exactly where he was right now—with her. Jaehyun must’ve noticed your fallen expression because next thing you knew you felt his hand on your shoulder. “Hey, if you need anyone to talk to, I’m here for you. You know that right? Always.”

You gave him a simple nod, smiling softly. “Yeah, I know.” Glancing back at the empty driveway, your heart ached as heinous thoughts of Jungkook and Yeonha together consumed and haunted your mind, tears swelling up in your eyes once again. You then turned towards Jaehyun, “Do you want to come in?”

Your question shocked Jaehyun, making his eyes widen. He thought you were joking. But when seeing your glistening eyes, shining with tears, he knew you were serious, so he nodded.

.

.

.

Time flew by, and now it was one in the morning.

You and Jaehyun were sitting on your living room’s couch, you dressed in your pajamas which consisted of one of his shirts and a pair of boxers while Jaehyun was still in his suit.

Neither of you were drinking surprisingly, but instead had the tub of your favorite ice cream placed between you two, sharing it with your own individual spoon.

Jaehyun kept his word when he said that he’d be there for you. He sat there while you told him everything that has been going with you in the past week—hell, even the last six months. You told him about Jungkook’s love for you vanishing and him gaining feelings for another person. You told him about your guys’ open relationship, explaining how that was the only choice you had to keep your family together even if that meant you and Jungkook weren’t together.

Tears were spilling from your eyes uncontrollably and heavy sobs were falling from your lips, making your words come out illegible, but Jaehyun continued to listen nonetheless. “I’m sorry, {Name}.” He was speechless. “You don’t deserve any of this.”

You could only shrug, afraid that if you spoke again nothing but cries would come out.

“Jungkook’s a complete asshole—” Jaehyun was interrupted at the sound of the front door opening, both of you turning to see that it was none other than your husband himself entering the house.

The sound of approaching footsteps made your heartbeat quicken and hands tremble. Jaehyun stared at you, noticing your sudden change in demeanor.

When Jungkook approached the living room, his eyes instantly landed on you, and just as he was about to speak, his gaze then shifted on to Jaehyun who sat very close beside you, his gaze immediately hardening at the sight of him.

“H-Hey,” you quickly stood up from the couch, Jaehyun following. “Didn’t know you were coming home tonight.”

Jungkook’s glaring eyes remained on Jaehyun as he asked you, “Where’s Minho?”

“He’s with my eomma.” You answered, playing with your fingers anxiously while staring down at the ground, distancing yourself from Jaehyun. His tone was dark, angry almost. “Tonight’s date night.”

Instantly, you noticed Jungkook tense up. Every now and then, your mother would come take Minho for the night, allowing you and Jungkook to have the rest of day for yourselves, saying how having days together can go a long way in a marriage. But you and Jungkook haven’t been on a date in half a year.

“I-I should go.” Jaehyun awkwardly spoke up, clearing his throat and grabbing his suit’s jacket that was draped over the couch.

“Yeah, that’s probably a good idea.” You agreed, guiding him towards the front door. Jungkook’s eyes never left Jaehyun as you bid him goodbye, not missing the way you smiled at him or how your eyes briefly scanned his strong figure.

The moment you closed the door, your heart sunk to your chest. Turning around, you were met with Jungkook’s burning eyes. He was angry, furious even. And you knew exactly why.

Jeon Jungkook hated Jung Jaehyun with every fiber and bone in his body.

~ shit’s about to go down in the next chapter!

TAGLIST:

@xworldwidecutieguyx​, @yoongis-soulmate​, @jikookvfans​, @heartfeltscribblings​, @chrissfuk​, @blazedprince​, @btsfaris​, @sonderkook​, @rspctot7​, @http-je0n​, @magic-fox-555​, @moonfairyjoon​, @taozibun1​, @ephemeralkookie​, @thesquiglybumblebee​, @httpjazel​, @justqueerandhereforthetea​, @dreamer95​, @--xxchrissyxx--,

[whentherewerebicycles]

life updates:

I was worried about a kid who had totally dropped off the map in May but we just reconnected and had a great meeting about next steps for her project. I think that just as I had to fall out of love with Austin for a little while to make it ok to leave, I also had to fall out of love with my old job for a couple weeks so I could get excited about new ones. but I spent a big chunk of time yesterday doing detailed planning for program wrap-up and setting up meetings with the kids who wanted to keep working on projects over the summer. I want to make sure I’m doing right by them and giving us all good closure on the mentoring relationship!!

I wrote the two surprise essays this morning (it took the whole morning as anticipated sigh) and applied for that job. it was annoying but I did a good job of shepherding myself briskly through it and not letting myself obsess over making the essays perfect. I kinda hate DEI essays because I feel like the prompts can be so “tell us about your heroic commitment to Diversity!”, and I find it tricky to fulfill the genre expectation of the job letter (center your initiative and showcase your skills!) without it feeling white savior-y. I also hate it when they ask you “tell a story about a time…” because if you tell a student story it feels like you’re using your relationship with a student to get professional points, which is very icky to me! but I wrestled with it and wound up writing a long thing about what designing for equity looks like in my work, and also about how I use that kind of systems-level design thinking to at least partially mitigate unconscious bias in cross-racial mentoring. I feel like I conveyed a clear sense of my values & my practice without using students as props in a DEI statement. so that’s good! I’m happy with that work.

I just got a swift desk rejection for a higher-up position in the same university system… like a 24-hour turnaround lol. but it’s kind of a relief to have the first “no” out of the way!! and the job was a serious reach so I don’t feel crushed by it either lol.

I have COVID I think 😔 I spent part of of the 4th with Michelle and she tested positive yesterday. I woke up with a sore throat this morning and have a heavy/congested feeling in my chest, plus just general light malaise. I’m testing negative on rapid tests but I think those are basically useless if you’re not ragingly symptomatic so I’m quarantining anyway and will get a PCR tomorrow if I can. it’s not too bad yet. Liz said day 1 wasn’t awful for her but days 2-4 were real rough.

since I might be quite sick soon I think I am going to try to get one more job app today? I’ll take a look at my list and see if there’s anything easy. then: vacation from job stuff.