#i also picked the songs on the criteria that i could imagine the character enjoying it and even singing it themselves

[golden--doodler]

Doodler! DOODLER! Surprise ask! Which song from your fav musicals do you think fits each of the Belchers (or any other bb muppets)?

<Gasp> You always know what wonderful things to ask me to make my day better! Thank you as always 🤌🏼

This is such a good one!!!

Let's start with Bob.

This might be a weird one, but I feel like Waving Through A Window from Dear Evan Hansen perfectly captures his self-doubt. How he always feels as if he isn't good enough, even with his restaurant (but even then, he struggles to look on the bright side when they're almost always going under) and he struggles to connect with people a lot (except for Linda and his kids, of course). Dead Mom from Beetlejuice is also a good one for him, for obvious reasons. I feel like that song just really applies to him, especially the line "Every day dad's staring at me, like all 'hurry up, get happy. Move along, forget about your mom'".

For Linda, she was definitely a harder one to pick out a song for. But, I think Tomorrow from Annie just perfectly captures Linda's unstoptimistic spirit. That no how no matter what trials and tribulations she, Bob, and the kids go through, she'll always look forward to tomorrow. And also, My Favorite Things from The Sound of Music also perfectly captures her willingness to look at things that bring her joy rather than strife. I could easily imagine her randomly singing this to the kids.

For Tina, she was also a harder one to pick out a song for. But Helpless from Hamilton definitely captures her upbeat, romantic side. This song could easily be a fantasy she's dreamed up in one of her Erotic Friend Fiction stories starring herself and Jimmy Jr. Also, Kindergarten Boyfriend from Heathers makes me think of Tina and Jimmy Jr. because of the whole "I love you and always have, but even after all this time, I still can't have you" vibes.

For Gene, Rose's Turn from Gypsy suits him because of how it deals with the singer feeling as if they've been overlooked, and it's also just a super fun, showstopping tune that I think Gene would adore. Also Dancing Queen from Mama Mia (and also by Abba) suits Gene as well. Not for any deep reason, it just gives off Gene vibes to me because of how it's about making the most of your life, and I think he would enjoy that.

For Louise, If I Were A Man from The Unofficial Bridgerton Musical fits her absolutely perfectly. It's basically her in song form in my opinion. This is definitely her anthem, wanting to break free from gender norms and societal expectations, but still being unable to. I also think Defying Gravity from Wicked suits Louise, because of her wanting to be different, and once again, break free from expectations that are placed upon her.

As a bonus, Only Us from Dear Evan Hansen would be a nice Boblin song. And also, Friend Like Me From Aladdin would be a good fit for Teddy. I could totally imagine him singing this to Bob out of nowhere one day. It suits his enthusiastic personality well, and how much he desires to prove himself to other people, especially Bob.

[inhale-fandoms-exhale-asdfghjkl]

Starkid Musicals Ranked

So I know I've done this before but it was quite a while ago and Black Friday has come out now so naturally I've had some changes in opinion. Also I've got nothing else better to do in self-isolation and I had plenty of time so i thought why the hell not. 

I’m sorry for the fact that this post drags on a bit. I just really love Starkid if that’s not already obvious. Please keep in mind I wrote this at 3am so if it’s riddled with spelling errors or doesn't make sense, please bear with me.

This time I wanted to be really thorough in how i ranked the shows so i went through a few processes. 

First I ranked each of the shows based on the writing, music, production, humour, costumes and the cast’s performances (which is really just criteria that makes a show great for me personally). For each category i gave them a score out of 10 which I then added up and each show what given a score out of 60. 

The results of this were:

Hmb (53/60)

AVPS, Starship, Twisted (52/60)

AVPM & Black Friday (47/60)

The Trail to Oregon (46/60)

TGWDLM (45/60)

AVPSY & ANI (44/60)

MAMD (37/60)

Firebringer (35/60)

To be honest, i was quite surprised by some of these scores. Some shows were way higher or lower than i though they’d be but some were pretty accurate. However, i didn’t think these scores alone really reflected my actual personal opinions of these shows as a whole. There were a few shows with the same scores so I tried to figure out a way to kind of rank them by personal taste while still using the scores. Really all I did was I ranked the ones with tied scores.

HMB

Twisted

Starship

AVPS

AVPM

Black Friday

The Trail to Oregon

TGWDLM

AVPSY

ANI

MAMD

Firebringer

Now I definitely thought this list was much more accurate but I still felt a few shows were out of place. In particular, HMB. A good portion of the reason of why it got such a high score is purely for my love of the costumes. Therefore, I pretty much abandoned all the previous work I did and then just listed them based on my personal enjoyment of each show which actually isn’t too different. Because at the end of the day, no matter how high I score a specific criteria for a show, that doesn’t necessarily mean I enjoy other aspects of the show equally.

For each show, I go into a pretty lengthy description of things I love about the show, commenting on the writing, music, production, humour, costumes and the cast’s performances. I also give provide an MVP for each show which is just a specific cast member or two’s performances that I particularly like to or stood out to me. I also give my favourite song and scene of each show. 

Also this is just MY personal ranking of each show based on things that I do or don’t enjoy about them. I absolutely love every single one of these shows, don’t confuse me being a little critical with some of them as hate or disrespect. Please understand that these are my opinions, which I am allowed to have just like you and I ask you to respect them even if you disagree just like I would respect yours. 

So without further ado, this is my final ranking of Starkid’s musicals:

1. Twisted

In my eyes, this show is quite possibly the closest thing you will ever get to perfection. Whether it’s the soundtrack (BLESS YOU AJ HOLMES AND YOUR RIDICULOUSLY AMAZING SONGWRITING SKILLS) or the acting (DAMN YOU DYLAN SAUNDERS FOR MAKING ME CRY SO MUCH, IT’S REALLY NOT FAIR) or just Nick and Matt’s writing which let’s be honest is always amazing. This show perfectly balances both the comedy and dramatic elements of the story, which if I’m being truly critical, not every Starkid show does. It’s a ridiculously beautiful, heart-warming show but it never takes itself too seriously. It has this amazing ability to have you both laughing and crying at the same time. Aladdin is one of my favourite Disney movies and I have to say it’s an amazing adaptation, it’s legitimately better than Disney’s live action remake in my opinion. Like all of their adaptation/parody shows, Starkid is able to stay true to the original text while also making it their own which I think is what make their shows so unique and refreshing.

MVP: I mean I gotta go with Dylan Saunders. I know it’s an obvious choice but how can I not. I mean I can’t believe it took them five years before they have Dylan a lead role because let’s be honest he’s amazing and he absolutely nailed this fucking role. Not only does he perfect every single one of those heart wrenching monologues/scenes but like his comedic timing is perfect. But Jeff, Joe and Rachael are definitely honourable mentions.

Favourite Song: IF I BELIEVED. If you don’t believe this is the best song on the soundtrack then you can bloody fight me, alright. I’m getting emotional just thinking about this song, just imagine when I listen to it or worse, when I watch the scene.

Favourite scene: I really love the entirety of Twisted with all the other Disney villains but literally any scene with Achmed is very fun to watch.

2. Starship

So I explained this in my original ranking post but I’m going to say it again. This show holds an extremely special place in my heart. It was the first Starkid show I watched after initially joining the fandom through AVPM and AVPS. I honestly couldn’t tell you what my favourite thing about this show is or why I love it so much, I just do. This show was my favourite show (until Twisted was released) and I would literally watch it over and over again. I love the music, I love the writing, and I love every single one of the cast’s performances. I legit have almost close to zero critiques on this show. It’s one of Starkid’s best written and produced productions (I mean the set, the puppets, everything was on point). This is such a hilarious show with some of Starkid’s best and most iconic jokes and yet it still manages to be such a beautiful and inspiring show.

With all this being said, this show is so criminally underrated and I really do not understand why but I guess everyone’s got their own tastes and all but okay. You do you.

Also, just gonna go off on a tangent for a bit. This musical is what made me fall in love with the beautiful, amazing, talented Dylan Saunders. I could not believe that the same man could play the adorable and very loveable cutie pie that is Tootsie Noodles/Mega-Girl and the hauntingly charismatic Pincer who is by the way one of Starkid’s best villains. Yes I said it. Nonetheless 12 –year-old me was absolutely flabbergasted by this man’s talented and really had no choice but to fall in love with him. Apart from Twisted, this is most definitely Dylan’s best performance (Not that he has any bad ones. Let’s be honest, that man is perfect). Legit, I challenge anyone to try watch this musical and not fall in love with him. It’s literally impossible.

MVP: I don’t think I could pick just one, I mean they’re all so amazing. I’d probably have to go with Joey. I think Bug was a great character for him and really showcased his abilities, which have just grown exponentially over the years. It was great seeing him play a more serious role rather than his previously more comedic roles (Ron and Joey) while also getting to goof off a little bit. It’s so fun to watch him in this and I really don’t think he gets enough appreciation for this role. Oh and also Meredith is amazing in Starship. I absolutely love her as Mega-Girl and it’s my favourite role of hers.

Favourite song: The Way I Do. Bro the chemistry between Meredith and Dylan is off the charts and this song just shows it. I love everything about this song. It’s so beautiful, I can’t even. Also not too be too like generic but Kick it up a Notch is phenomenal and one of Darren’s best. Actually this show’s whole soundtrack is probably my favourite of the ones that Darren wrote.

Favourite scene: I don’t think I have a favourite but I love the scene with Junior and Mega-Girl where he calls her a toaster and all that. Some of Brian’s best acting and he and Meredith’s chemistry really is really present here. It’s not often you get to see these two play opposite each other so it’s fun and interesting to watch.

3. A Very Potter Sequel

As a major Harry Potter fan, it’s only natural that I hold the Potter series with the highest regard. Despite the fact that this show is a parody by a bunch of college kids, it literally is a better adaptation than a whole eight-part, multi-million budget film series and that’s saying something. How the hell did Nick and Matt write every single one of these characters more accurately and consistently than professional screenwriters and at times, JK Rowling herself? It’s very rare that you ever hear me say that a sequel (I guess it’s technically a prequel) is better than the original but here we are. Don’t get me wrong, AVPM is iconic™ but this show just somehow improved what AVPM already perfected. The plot was much more fleshed out and every single character was written so perfectly and also everybody was casted perfectly. If you follow me you probably know of my love for Remus Lupin and while his character is AVPS is written absolutely ridiculously, it is one of my favourite things about the show. In this show Remus is written to be like this total mess of a person, who is like homeless and just walks around the school half naked, covered in blood and forces a child to eat a dead deer and is just drunk all time and yet I can just totally accept it. Like if the movies had written Remus like this I’d be like “hmm no” but when Brian Holden does it I’m like “um yes this is amazing”. This is quite possibly Starkid’s funniest show, I literally cry of laughter EVERY TIME. Honestly this show is comedic gold for any Harry Potter fan. From anything that comes of Lupin’s mouth or the entirety of Umbridge’s character to Lucius’s dancing.

This being said, I can totally understand why anyone wouldn’t like this or the other Potter shows as much as the others or not think it’s funny if they’re not a fan as most of the humour is based on knowledge of the original series and obviously this for the other parody shows like HMB or ANI. Nonetheless I still think anybody could enjoy this show and its humour as Starkid pretty much has the same sense of humour running throughout most if not all of their shows.

MVP: Brian Holden. I don’t think I need to explain again. But also Tyler Brunsman and Joe Walker are scene-stealers too. Also Corey Dorris as Yaxley in this show is peak comedy.

Favourite song and scene: okay so these kind of go together for me for this show. The whole scene with Those Voices brings me to tears every time. I fucking love the whole marauders era so them showing Sirius Black seeing James and Lily in the Mirror of Erised is more than my heart can take. Nick and Darren in this scene is just *chef’s kiss* and then you add Brian Rosenthal harmonising in the background, well it’s enough to make any girl break and you bet it does every time.

4. Holy Musical B@man!

Oh my god this is just such a fun show and if it was a person, I would die for it. When I first watched this, I wasn’t that big of a DC fan at the time so I couldn’t fully appreciate it for what it was. It’s actually so amazing and it’s a real shame that it sometimes gets overlooked. Nick Gage’s song writing is actually amazing and I really love this soundtrack. I mean I literally get chills every time I listen to the end of Dark, Sad, Lonely Knight. You know which part I’m talking about.

Also can we talk about the costumes for this show? June really fucking outdid herself with this show, they are literally the best costumes out of the whole Starkid canon and you cannot tell me otherwise. Not only did she nail like the classic comic book character costumes like Batman and Superman, etc. while also making them her own but she also created completely original and amazing costumes like Sweet Tooth and Candy. I wish I had even a small percentage of that talent and artistic ability. Anyway this show is so hilarious and also so emotional at the same time it’s not even fair. I’m not a big fan of Batman or Robin and yet this show almost has me changing my mind. And honestly, Nick Lang deserves the fucking world, I absolutely love watching him act and it’s unfortunate he doesn’t do it a lot because he’s amazing.

MVP: Joe Walker. Don’t get me wrong, I love watching Joe play all of his over-the-top comedic roles but I particularly love watching him play a slightly more serious role like this, it’s really refreshing and I really think he knocked it out of the park. Also Jeff Blim as Sweet Tooth is one of my favourite Starkid characters. No joke, 12-year-old me was OBSESSED.

Favourite song: either Dark, Sad, Lonely Knight or Rogues are We.

Favourite Scene:  the whole To Be a Man scene.

“Batman or should I say Butthead”

“Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh”.

If that’s not comedic gold I don’t know what is.

5. A Very Potter Musical

This show is and always will be Starkid’s most iconic show. I think it says a lot that a silly parody musical put on by a group of college students has been able to inspire a whole decade’s worth of beautiful, creative, crazy works of art which only continues to grow. This show was never meant to become what it did but how lucky and fortunate are we all that it did. I am so grateful that 8-9 (tbh I can’t even remember anymore) years ago I decided to watch a silly musical about Harry Potter because I cannot imagine my life without Starkid in it. No this show might not have the best set or props or costumes or sound/video quality (it was 2009 guys, give them a break) but it is absolutely amazing in every single way and that’s all I’m going to say.

MVP: fucking everyone. I mean I’m around the same age they were when they started all of this and I can’t even imagine being able to create something even remotely as creative and wonderful or having any kind of success as close to that any time soon.

Favourite song: I feel like I should go for a classic like Not Alone but I’m not gonna lie I’m a real sucker for Missing You.

Favourite scene: oh man I don’t know the whole show is so iconic. I don’t know how I can pick just one.

6. Black Friday

I’m sure some people would be surprised that this show would be so high on this list for a number of reasons. Mostly due to the fact that I’ve been known to be quite fond of, and pretty biased towards some of Starkid’s older shows. But I think that’s just because I’m really nostalgic for how the fandom was back 8 years ago when I joined. And also when I joined the fandom, HMB was like our TGWDLM. It was the newest show out and everyone was talking about it. And also this is the show I have been rewatching the most lately and vie literally had the album on repeat for the last month.

A lot of people don’t really like the new direction that Starkid has taken with this show and honestly I don’t get it. Yes, it’s considerably darker than their other shows and while they classify it as a horror-comedy, it doesn’t really have a whole lot of comedy. But in my opinion, I think that’s what makes the show so great. The main focus of this show is the characters – their pain, their desires, their struggles and I think any excess of comedy would just take away from what’s really important. I really love watching Starkid delve into this new kind of story-telling and I think they’re doing an amazing job with this Hatchetfield series. I think this show did such a great show of introducing us to all the new characters, developing their arcs and really establishing their role within the world of Hatchetfield while simultaneously blending them perfectly with the already established characters from TGWDLM. What I really like about this show and even TGWDLM is how the characters are written. They feel so real not as cartoonish as some of the characters in Starkid’s previous shows which are why the audience can really relate to these characters.

Also this editing and cinematography of this show is fucking amazing and unlike anything else we’ve gotten from Starkid over the years. The choreography is outstanding and the musical is phenomenal. This is easily Jeff Blim’s best work and I have a feeling some people might disagree with me on that. The music in this show is so beautifully intricate and the lyrics have so much depth and emotion which I just feel like TGWDLM lacks. I know some people have been a bit offstandish about the singing in this show and I guess I’d have to agree. The live vocals on the youtube version do seem a bit off but I just suspect some cast members may have been sick or maybe they were just having an off day (it happens guys, even to professionals). Also I love the additions of some new members to Starkids, everyone was absolutely great in this show. For some of these actors, the characters they played were completely opposite to roles that they’ve played in the past but they all nailed it – Joey, Jon, Lauren. My only complaint in terms of casting is that I wish they gave Jaime more, while she is often praised for her singing skills (rightfully so), she often gets overlooked in her acting abilities and it would be great to see her play a bigger role in the next show.

Also I get it, Santa Claus is going to High School is very hilarious and great but please don’t make it another Workin’ Boys thing. Don’t go demanding Starkid to make a short film for this too, let them focus on their other bigger and better projects, please.

MVP: this show had some of my favourite performances from many Starkids but if I had to say someone who particularly stood out to me it’s definitely Kim. Before Black Friday, I will admit I hadn’t really seen anything with Kim in it so this was a great surprise for me. I am literally in love with her voice; it’s one of the most beautiful things in this world.

Favourite song: Take Me Back. Dylan and Kim are just amazing in this song I can’t even explain how much I love it. I’m also a major fan of Feast or Famine and If I Fail You. Ooh and Made in America.

Favourite Scene: I really love the scene with Tom and Becky in the movie theatre but I also really love the whole What Do You Say scene, I think it’s hilarious. But I think my favourite is with the whole Black and White scene with the President, Wiggly and Wiley. One of Joey’s best performances in my opinion.

7. The Trail to Oregon

So on my last list, this show was considerably higher but, on my recent rewatch of the AVPM shows and HMB, I’ve realised how much I really love those shows and unfortunately TTO had to be downgraded. Don’t get me wrong, I still very much love this show. It’s one of the most fun shows to watch and has me smiling the whole time without fail. In saying this, this show also does an amazing job of adding in these beautiful emotional dramatic scenes that brings the audience to tears. At the end of the day, this show really is just about family and how important it is to love and appreciate them no matter how insane they are or how much they annoy you. I know Jeff is really beloved in the fandom but I still don’t think he gets enough appreciation for how good of a writer (both script and song writing) he is, as well as an actor. This show is so unexpectedly beautiful and I’m really grateful for Jeff creating this story.

I don’t really think this show gets enough credit for how good its production actually is considering it only has six cast members. This show is proof of how diverse, creative and talented all these actors really are. It’s such a different concept from their other shows and I think they executed it so well.

MVP: Joey absolutely smashed it, I’m sure it’s not easy having to play all these different characters and literally change between them in a matter of seconds while giving each of them their own separate, unique identities. Another performer I got to give credit to in this show is Rachael, When the World’s at Stake is an amazing performance and Corey is so funny to watch in this show. Grandpa is probably my favourite character as well as the son.

Favourite song: probably When the World’s at Stake but also Independence. I cannot possibly estimate how much time I spent trying to learn those lyrics and sing it at that speed and get it right but I finally got there.

Favourite scene: the whole scene when the Grandpa, Son and Daughter are hunting makes me laugh every time, it’s so funny. But there’s something about that scene with McDoon and Cletus that ends with them riding on the horse together that makes me crack up.

8. The Guy Who Didn’t Like Musicals

Okay so I know the last time I did this, TGWDLM was like no 5 or 6 but like it’s been like a year and a half and a lot of my opinions on this show have changed. I’m also aware that by the time the next Starkid show is out I’ll probably also have changed my mind about Black Friday but who knows. I am eternally grateful to this show for introducing me to the amazing Jon Matteson. In a matter of 2 hours, this man somehow became one of my favourite human beings in the world. His portrayal as Paul is just, I don’t even know but something about it just sticks with me and I absolutely love it. This concept of this show is actually so amazing and you really gotta give the Lang’s credit for being able to come up with stuff like this. A lot of the beauty of the show is that it seems like such a simple concept but if you really think about the implications, you can actually understand why it’s so terrifying. Production-wise, this show isn’t anything fancy in terms of set, costumes props, etc. But the lighting design is amaaaaaazinggggggg!

The soundtrack for this show is pretty great but if you’re comparing it to Starkid’s other scores, it’s not the best. I said it before; the music in this just lacks the depth and emotion that is so heavily prominent in the Black Friday score.

MVP: Jon Matteson for the reasons above. And also Joey’s monologue as Ted to Bill gives me chills every time.

Favourite song: I feel like as the show goes on the songs do tend to get more personal, detailed and emotional which I why I probably favour those over many of the songs in act one. Let it Out and Inevitable are two songs in particular that I love and definitely stand out to me.

Favourite scene: the whole Let it Out scene with Jon trying to resist the apotheosis. And also Lauren’s acting at the end of Inevitable is amazing. Her running around the stage, distressed is both so horrifying but also absolutely hilarious.

9. Me and My Dick

I mean I guess I understand why a lot of people don’t like this show but that doesn’t mean I can forgive the fact that it’s so underrated. Yeah the humour is a bit crude and I get that’s not everyone’s thing but literally this show is two and a half hours of pure golden comedy. Honestly, who thought a show about high school kids and their walking and talking genitalia could be one of the most wholesome and heart-warming things in the world. I don’t think anyone other than Starkid could pull of something like this which honestly says so much about them. These people come up with some of the most craziest, outrageous stuff and somehow turn them into beautiful, amazing works of art.

The soundtrack for this show is so freaking good man. And AJ Holmes is literally one of the most amazing and talented people on this earth. How the fuck does he write such good music? I need to know, it’s really not fair. And for all those people who complain that it took Corey Dorris ten years to get a solo, I urge you to simply watch MAMD.

This show doesn’t have the best production and the sound quality is not great but you know what? Fuck you. Because the acting is this show outshines all of that. The energy each of the performers has in this show is crazy and they are all extremely talented. Literally AJ as Joey’s heart is next fucking level. And Arielle is criminally underrated for her role in this. And Nick Strauss is a comedy king. I’ve said it before and will say it again; The Old Snatch and Flopsy are the most iconic duo.

MVP: AJ and Nick. Like I said. Next level and iconic™.

Favourite song: Listen to your heart. But also Even Though. And Finale is a certified bop.

Favourite scene: I love the scene with Dick and Flopsy but I don’t know if it’s my favourite. But one of my favourite quotes is when Dick is talking to Joey about Miss Cooter’s hair and Joey’s delivery of “on her vagina?” cracks me up every time. And honestly there’s not a lot that can beat Brian during Gotta Find His Dick just intensely repeating “Someone tell him where his dick is”. It makes me laugh so hard I really don’t know why.

10. A Very Potter Senior Year

Alright so let me take you back to 2012. I remember the day they posted the video announcing they were not only making another Harry Potter show but that they were bringing back almost every Starkid member. It was actually such a weird time for the fandom because it really did seem like this show was going to be the end of Starkid. When you watch the show, you can see that the actors are not only saying goodbye to Harry Potter and the characters that they had been playing for the last 3 years but also they were saying goodbye to each other. It was heartbreaking to watch then and it still is now 8 years later. 2012 me was absolutely devastated because I had only just discovered this fandom and I thought I would already have to say goodbye to something that become so special to me in such a short amount of time. Luckily for us all this was not the end of Starkid.

This show really holds a special place in my heart, for so many reasons. First off, it was the first Starkid show that I got to watch as it premiered. Second, I was still grieving the end of the Harry Potter movies and these musicals had kind of replaced that for me but then this was ending too. And third, it really just is the most perfectly executed ending to the AVP series.

This show makes me both laugh and then cry and then laugh again and then cry and laugh at the same time. In my opinion, it is one of the best written Starkid shows, on par with the other Potter shows and I think the only reason why it gets overlooked is the fact that it’s a stage reading rather than a proper production. But you know what, considering this show was literally put together in such a short amount of time and the actors literally had a few days’ worth of preparation, they still managed to put on an amazing show. I wholeheartedly believe that if this show had been a proper production, it would be pretty fucking perfect. The soundtrack for this show is probably the best out of all the Potter shows for me. Every one of these songs is a bop and I love them all so much.

Long story short, people need to stop sleeping on AVPSY and appreciate it more.

MVP: Joey Richter. I don’t even need to explain. Just watch Act 2 Part 11. Actually him in the entirety of Act 2. And also that delivery of “losers like us that’s who” just makes me cry every time. How did Starkid portray Ron more accurately in these musicals that WB did?

Favourite song: it’s a tie between I Was and I’m Just a Sidekick.

Favourite scene: The whole scene with the resurrection stone and Everything Ends. Absolute Perfection.

11. ANI

Like the Harry Potter shows, I can understand why people don’t like this show. If youre not a fan of the original text, you probably won’t like the comedy or understand the entire plot or whatever. And honestly that’s the only reason I put this show so low. I have very very little knowledge of Star Wars so pretty much all of the jokes and that go right over my head. However, I still find it very enjoyable to watch and most of that probably has to be credited towards the fact that it has a killer soundtrack and a pretty perfect cast. Also like I said with HMB, I love the rare occasion that we get to see Nick perform. This soundtrack, oh my god, it’s so amazing. Why do people keep overlooking it? I get that it’s different because it’s not the character’s singing it but like that choreography though. Clark Baxtresser has one of the most beautiful voices so you’ll never hear me complaining about a whole score of pretty much just his voice. But that’s just me. I hate how much hate I see for this show. Everyone worked extremely hard on this show, particularly Nick and Matt who wrote the whole thing and the lack of appreciation for it is horrible to see. It’s actually such a fun show, and you can tell the cast had so much fun doing this show because their energy is so great in this.

MVP: Nick Lang. Again, he deserves the world. And Chris Allen is incredible in every role he does but particularly this.

Favourite song: With My Own Eyes and Long Ago and Far Away. I just really love the vocals.

Favourite scene: Nick’s scene as Obi-Wan.

12. Firebringer

CoNtRaVeRsIaL oPiNiOn  but sorry but I don’t like Firebringer. It’s not that I hate it. I’m just not really fan of it or its comedy – mostly because I don’t think it has any. I’ve seen people say that Twisted or MAMD rely too much on using swearing/ profanities for humour but honestly I think that’s more of the case for this show. That’s not to say that there’s not things I don’t like about it. Apart from HMB, this show probably has some of the best costumes. I can’t really fault Nick and Matt’s writing too much but I have to say this is some of their weakest work. I don’t think the plot as a whole is bad I just think there’s parts that don’t work for me or just don’t feel right. And I’m not really a fan of the characters and their development. I never thought I’d ever be able to say that I dislike any role of Meredith’s but honestly I find her character really unlikeable and I know people might attack me for that but it’s just my opinion. I like Zazzalil, I think Lauren did a great job, as always but I don’t know I just don’t think there’s any particular character or performance that really stands out for me in this show. If I’m being completely honest, I have only been able to watch the full run of this show twice, maybe three times and it has been a while since the last time I watched it but if I’m being honest I don’t see myself sitting down to watch it again any time soon. One thing I can definitely praise this show on is the female and LGBTQ+ representation, although that should go unsaid but even in 2020, seeing positive representations of female, LGBTQ+ or POC in media is still somehow refreshing and surprising and ain’t that just a little bit sad?. Another thing I can praise this show on is the music, I actually quite enjoy majority of the soundtrack.

MVP: Both of the Lauren’s. Lauren Lopez because she’s amazing in everything but especially in this, I’m so happy she finally got a lead role, she deserved it 100%. And Lauren Walker is just fucking hilarious. Why hasn’t she been in another Starkid show since?

Favourite song: probs climate change

Favourite scene: like I said, there’s really not a lot that stands out to me in this show so I really don’t know what to pick.

[adenhamcreations]

WIP Questions!

Tagged by the awesome @fatal-blow! Thanks so much! This one really got me thinking deeply about my characters.

Under the cut since it’s 20 questions and kinda long.  :) 

1: Describe the plot in one sentence

A fresh out of high school girl discovers that she has the supernatural ability to erase memories and is blackmailed into starting a shady business using them. 

2: Pick one sight, smell, sound, feel, and taste to describe the aesthetic for your WIP.

Sight: A small, familiar childhood town. Little businesses lined up in the center, with residential areas sprawling from them. 

Smell: The smell of burning paper.

Sound: The voice of an old friend echoing through your head.

Feel: A person’s skin that you know well.

Taste: Bitterness from unspoken words. 

3: Which 3+ songs would make a playlist for your novel?

Yellowcard - “Paper Walls.”  Anberlin - “Paperthin Hymn.” Panic at the Disco - “House of Memories.” 

4: What’s the time period and location in which your novel takes place?

Present day, a small town in Alabama (name pending).  

5: Are there any former titles you’ve considered but discarded?

Not at all. It’s always been Sin Eater. 

6: What’s the first line of your novel?

“The first time I knew something was wrong with me was when I was eighteen.”

7: What’s a line of dialogue you’re particularly proud of?

A little long, but I really enjoyed writing this particular chapter/conversation:

“Sorry, thanks. I guess it can be hard not to get a little lost in the memories. I know that’s probably silly,” he chuckles bashfully. “No,” I shake my head quickly. “It makes perfect sense to me.” We come to another clearing. The grass is lush and tall here, an ocean of green. It scrapes the bottom of Aiden’s Jeep as we drive over it. The spot he stops at is another lovely view: you can see for miles. The city’s lights look like tiny dots from here. They must be switching on since the sun is going down. “This is really pretty,” I say as we exit the Jeep.“Yeah, it’s a little secret spot that I found. At least I think it’s a secret, since I’ve never seen anyone up here.” “Well, I like it.”“Yeah? I thought it might be kind of lame compared to the epic sunset yesterday.”“No way. I never did this kind of stuff growing up,” I admit. “You missed out,” he says, grinning. “Amber and I always liked exploring. We called them our ‘Adventures.’”“That….is freakin’ adorable,” I grin back. “Amber came up with it. She said it felt like we found stuff that nobody else ever did.” Aiden picks up a stick and throws it over the edge. We watch it but don’t see where it lands. “That probably wasn’t true, but as a kid...it feels like the whole world is yours, you know?”“I definitely understand that.”

8: Which line from the novel most represents it as a whole?

“I will face everything that I’ve been avoiding and move on with my life, no matter how hard or painful, no matter what comes my way.”

9: Who are your character(s) face claims?

I’m not sure I quite understand this question. Does it mean what we based our characters’ looks on?  If so: Probably a mix of people I know, to be honest. For instance, I had crushes on a lot of guys with brown hair and brown eyes back in high school, so Parker being Jayde’s high school crush, that’s how he looks. I also wanted Jayde and Jenny to look a little bit opposite of each other, so I based their looks on that criteria. 

10: Sort your characters into Hogwarts houses

I actually know NOTHING about Harry Potter... XD 

11: Which character’s name do you like the most?

I loved the name Aiden and just had to use it... and after I picked it, one of my best friends named their son that (only spelled differently)! She didn’t even know about my book yet. Meant to be. 

12: Describe each character’s daily outfit

Jayde - She likes skirts and wears them frequently, even in the winter I’ve drawn her a lot in jean skirts, because I used to wear them back in high school. To top it off, maybe a V-neck shirt in some bright color, I’d say yellow.

Jenny - Jeans too long for her legs, a hoodie if it’s cold. A t-shirt if it’s hot. She isn’t into showing off her skin or body.

Parker- A nice polo with stripes, ironed jeans and super clean tennis shoes.

Aiden - Nothing too flashy - A t-shirt and jeans, usually torn or with mud, oil, or some other stain on them.

Amber - Tank top and capris.

13: Do any characters have any distinctive birthmarks/scars?

Amber has a nasty scar on her right shoulder from her father. 

14: Which character most fits a character trope?

Probably Aiden. He’s the classic guy with a dark past who hides it with sarcasm and general jerkiness. 

15: Which character is the best writer? Worst?

I haven’t thought much of it, but i’d like to imagine that Jenny is the best writer. She’s quiet, but she’s also wise. Her recovery through her lost memories made her strong, capable, and unafraid. i could see her writing an amazing book about that.  As for the worst... maybe Amber? I don’t see her enjoying sitting at a desk typing away or writing in a notebook.

16: Which character is the best liar? Worst?

Jayde is the best liar. She becomes practiced at it due to her secretive job and when she’s hiding her true feelings from Jenny and Parker throughout the book. Amber is definitely the worst liar. She’s usually too honest and unafraid to say what she’s thinking.

17: Which character swears the most? Least?

Aiden definitely swears the most. Meanwhile, Jayde’s two best friends, Jenny and Parker, rarely do (probably due to their strict upbringings). 

18: Which character has the best writing? Worst?

Jayde may by default just because she’s my main character and gets the most spotlight. Not sure about the worst. 

19: Which character is the most like you? Least like you?

I think a mix of Jayde and Aiden are most like me. Jayde in the beginning was my younger self - not a care in the world, loved attention, was loud and silly and loved to laugh. But as she ages and reality hits, she becomes more somber and shy. She isn’t as boisterous and tries to accept herself as she is now (which I’ve had issues with). As for Aiden, he hides hurt and hard times by using jokes and a sunny attitude, which I’ve done so much before. As for least like me, I’d have to go with Vivian, Jenny’s (Jayde’s best friend) mother. She’s tightly wound and is usually passive aggressive towards everyone. She also can’t accept her daughter for being bisexual, which I couldn’t ever understand feeling that way. She tends to think she’s of a higher social standing than everyone else and wants her family to “look” a certain way to everyone outside. 

20: Which character would you most like to be?

They all kind of have sad backstories, so I don’t think I’d want to BE them necessarily. But I’d most want to be more like my OC Amber. She has a lot of crap happen to her and is silently strong in many ways. She accepts what happened to her, isn’t ashamed of it, but also doesn’t pity herself. She takes kickboxing to become physically stronger so the same thing won’t happen to her in the future, and she’s still trusting and open to making new friends. 

Tagging for my babes on my Sin Eater WIP tag: @metaphors-and-melodrama @snowdropwrites @drist-n-dither @jeeanmoreau

And any others! I wanted to tag some new followers too so that they can join the fun.  :)  @artsyclusterfuck @lgbtqiauthor @the-real-rg @agent-me @ren-c-leyn @jeteveux-siempre @toboldlywrite @jessawriter

[thechangbin]

Open Book // Seo Changbin

Genre: Angst, Old Friends AU

Characters: Seo Changbin x reader

Warning: none

Summary: Changbin gets the attention of a famous journalist who just so happens to be an old important friend.

Word Count: 2,233

A/N: Wow, finally I wrote something again for this blog. This was inspired by prompt 474 in this website. I hope you enjoy!

For years, I’ve imagined seeing Changbin again and thought of different ways I’d approach the situation. I could fix my posture and do a subtle hair flip to show him how much prettier and confident I got in the past four years. I also thought about pretending to be on a call with a fake boyfriend and act like I’m happier than I’ve ever been. If those two weren’t going to happen, I decided I’d just pretend I didn’t see him at all.

The third option seems the most practical thing to do. I didn’t get prettier. I look exactly the way I did when we were in university. Confident? Please. I hardly notice half the things around me because the ground is all I ever look at. Pretending to have a boyfriend without having any proper experience would just give everything away, so that wouldn’t work either.

So when our eyes meet for the first time in four years in this cheap cafe, I mutter a curse. A fake call and ignoring him would be rude. Option one is my best shot. I take in a deep breath and straighten my back and shoulders. I raise my right hand and push a bit of my hair at the front to the back.

He blinks.

It wasn’t enough. I press my lips together, something I do when I’m nervous, and raise my left hand this time to wave a hello to him. When he waves back, I use that same hand to flip my hair again, but this time, with more power.

There’s a sound of something falling behind me. I turn around and see a man in a loose white shirt and black jeans with a brown apron over the front of his body on the wooden floor. The empty tray, which I assume he was once holding, lays at the bottom of a table near his head.

I stare at the barista who is clearly taken aback. Wondering why he’s on the floor, I turn back to look at Changbin, only to see his seat empty.

“God, you’re still clumsy, huh?” his voice says behind me. “Are you okay, sir?”

I whip back around and see him helping the man up. The barista nods and thanks him as Changbin bends down and picks up the tray to hand it to him. The man takes the tray from him and looks at me expectantly.

We look at each other for a few seconds, and I know someone has to do something because everyone seems to be waiting for it to happen. Changbin looks at me and nods his head to the man’s direction.

“What?” I ask him.

He releases a sigh. “I’m sorry in behalf of my friend here. She’s really clumsy.” He looks at me again.

The barista just nods and walks away, heading back to the counter, leaving the two of us alone. Our eyes meet again, and he shakes his head, groans, and walks back to his seat.

Following him, I ask, “What?”

“Four years we haven’t seen each other. Why do I still feel like we’re back in college?” he says and takes sip of his drink.

We sit in silence of a few seconds, enough for me to think about what happened and why he’s acting the way he is. All I did was flip my hair and- oh.

He must see my moment of realization because he raises his eyebrows and continues to sip on his drink, as if mocking me of my foolishness. I place my elbows on the table and hide my face in my hands.

“I’m so stupid,” i mumble.

“Yeah, you are,” he agrees.

I sigh. “I didn’t even feel myself hitting him! How?”

“Maybe because you’re so stupid,” he suggests.

I put my hands down and give him a look of disbelief. He shrugs at me with a small smile on his smug little face.

“Hey, you’re the one you said it,” he says.

I’d have to agree with Changbin here. It’s been four whole years since we’ve seen each other, with absolutely no contact, and it feels like nothing changed, as if we’re back in time.

The thought of this makes me look away and scowl at the floor, which earns me another weird look from my old friend.

“You gonna tell me about the whole hair flip thing you did?” he asks.

I look away in embarrassment as I feel the heat rising up my cheeks. I quickly push back my seat and stand up, earning looks from the people around us. Changbin looks up at me, amused.

“I’m gonna order a drink,” I say, leaving immediately so I don’t have to hear a reply.

There is no line at the counter, so I get to order straightaway. I fumble on my own words when I realize the barista I’m talking to is the same one I slapped beautifully in the face a few minutes ago. He taps in my order and I give him my card. As he swipes, I slide in an awkward apology.

“I’m sorry about slapping you earlier,” I manage to say.

He hands me back my card and just tells me to wait for him to deliver it over to our table. Accepting the fact that he isn’t going to be forgiving me any time soon, I simply nod and mutter an okay before taking my receipt and walk back to the table.

“So it’s you,” Changbin says when I sit down. He continues when I don’t reply. “You’re the famous journalist everyone is talking about. ‘The Observer’. The one who somehow knows everything about everyone. How did I not know? Oh right. Because last time I saw you, you were too dumb to even solve a simple math equation.”

“Can we just get to your interview?” I ask him, the stress a little too evident in my voice.

“How do you do it? How do you pretend to be so smart? Do you just do the interviews and have someone else write the actual articles? You’re not The Observer, are you? You’re just The Interviewer,” he says and laughs at his own joke.

I sigh and pull out my team’s card from my pocket. “The Observer is a team of journalists. Sometimes one or some of us do the interviews, and sometimes we do everything together. Can you get your facts straight for once? Or is that a habit you haven’t picked up in the last four years?”

He raises his arms in surrender. “Alright, you got me. You have confidence now. That’s new.”

I blink.

He thinks I have confidence. That’s what I wanted right? I wanted him to think I’m perfectly okay with my life without him, even after what we went through in college. That’s why I did the terribly awkward hair flip. Twice.

My drink is placed in front of me, and I thank the man before he leaves. I take a sip and immediately feel better as I feel the cool liquid on my tongue.

“We should catch up first and do the interview after,” he suggests.

“If it’s okay with you, I’d like to get this over with and leave,” I say.

Changbin frowns. “Why? I’ve missed you. There’s so many things we have to talk about.”

Although I want to keep a calm composure, my eyes betray me and instantly waters. I look down so he doesn’t see.

What does he mean he misses me?

“[Y/N], we have to talk about… you know. About what happened. Look. I knew you were part of this writing team thing. That’s why I did everything I could to catch your attention, something that would fit your criteria for an interview,” he explains.

I look up, not caring around the tears anymore. He leans back, surprised. I say, “How did you know I would come to do the interview?”

“Because I know you like an open book. You helped me write some of my best songs. Producing this new one was bound to get your attention,” he says. “[Y/N], I had to see you.”

“Well, now I’m here,” I say. “You got what you wanted. Just like you always did.”

“[Y/N],”

I wipe my tears and drink as much of my drink as I could. I close my eyes as I accept the brain freeze as it distracts me from him. When it subsides, I open them and look at him again.

“I’m gonna go now,” I say.

Before I can get up, he puts his hand on top of mine, freezing me on the spot. “Don’t go. Not yet. Please. We have to talk about what happened.”

“It was four years ago. It doesn’t matter anymore.”

“How does it not matter to you? What are you gonna do when you leave?” he asks.

“I’m just going to aggressively ignore that part of my life until it goes away.” I tell him honestly. “Like I always do.”

Despite the tension between us, he lets out a laugh. It’s so distracting, but it’s nothing compared to the warmth of his hand still unmoving above mine.

“That’s definitely not going to work,” he says.

I pull my hand away. “Oh yeah? And how do you know that?”

He takes my hand again and holds it this time with so much softness like it’s the most fragile thing in the world. He looks at it dreamily with a small smile on his face, as if he’s thinking about us from four years ago.

“Like I said. I know you like an open book. And you cried. You always try to ignore everything, but I know that never lasts for long. Four years is impressive. You broke off all contact with me and pretended I didn’t exist. But I bet you a thousand bucks you still think about me,” he says.

The feeling of his hands playing with mine makes me go weak. He looks back at me and locks our eyes, making it suddenly hard for me to breathe.

“And how do you know that?” I ask, silently scolding myself for how weak I spoke.

He stops moving our hands and holds our stare. “Because I think about you too.”

I let out a shaky breath. We stay like this for a few moments, I’m not quire sure how long. Before I can lose myself, I pull my hand away again, this time, off the table so he doesn’t take them once more. I ignore the feeling of wanting him to do it anyway.

I begin to get up again, and he doesn’t do anything this time but instead says, “You can go. At least I know I did my best to see you again. But if you really want to, then just go.”

I might be crazy, but I think I heard his voice crack. My eyes scan his face for any lies, his body for any sign of anything but this.

Every single touch of heartbreak and euphoria, he was there for me, and I for him. He was rude to people he didn’t like and pretended to be just the same to the ones he loved, but anyone who knew him like I did knew he was doing it to hide his true emotions. Seeing him crack just a little bit would be rare, but when it was just us two, everything was natural.

Never had I met a friend like Seo Changbin. He would never show anyone his lyrics but to me, and that’s when I saw all the parts of him he wouldn’t dare show. He was an enigma to everyone but an open book to me.

Maybe I didn’t understand what was happening at the time and forgot about not judging by the cover because when he tried to explain his side of the story, I didn’t bother listening. I didn’t buy it. I was stupid.

He’s right. I haven’t changed. I’m still clumsy as ever, I don’t have confidence, and I’m not as smart as I pretend to be. Most of all, the way I felt for him hadn’t changed a bit.

We had a misunderstanding, and I was stubborn. It’s about time I listen to his side of the four year old story.

“When did you learn to do reverse psychology?” I ask.

“I’m not trying to do reverse psychology. I’m just accepting the fact that you don’t want us to be anything again.”

“You’re doing it again!” I say.

“I’m not doing anything!” he tells me, his voice suddenly raspy.

It’s like I don’t know how to breathe anymore. His eyes are suddenly glossy, and if I think he’s doing what I think he’s doing, then I’m not sure how I can handle this situation. Never in my four years of knowing him had I seen him cry.

“Are you…” I start.

“Don’t,” he says.

“But… the iconic SpearB. The dark rapper. The-“

“Shut up.”

I try my best not to lose my cool. “Changbin. You genuinely want us to be okay again?”

He nods. “These past few years have been hell without you. I miss you a lot.”

“Alright,” I say, placing all of my things down and happily taking a sip of my drink. “Then let’s start this interview.”

We do just this, but it’s not for the article.

[helpingmehelpmyself]

Things I Used to Enjoy- March 29, 2021

Gosh, I have so many things going through my head. I miss the days I was able to daydream, read fanfiction, and watch television. I remember the day would go by and I would question where the time went. But it felt like self care to me then and I enjoyed it. Now it feels like a useless distraction that no longer serves its purpose. 

I want to enjoy the things I used to enjoy. I love fanfiction (particularly, Teen Wolf sterek fanfiction. I can also ship steter, starrish, and stackson. I believe they can all compliment Stiles well). I would squeel while reading and get excited every time I found a new fanfiction that fits my criteria. Sometimes I have good days in which I can read fanfiction and fall into the story.

I used to love daydreaming. My imagination is basically a fanfiction with ten or so fandoms running around with some cannon and non-cannon storylines. I liked falling asleep to my daydreams or staring at the wall while I daydreamed. I considered writing my daydreams down and turning them into a fanfiction for Ao3, but part of it feels personal. This is a world I have written and rewritten so many times since I was... 16, maybe? It’s easier to rewrite or follow through a storyline in my head than it is to write it down and focus on details that I never really focused on before. If your curious, my daydream fanfictions include the following fandoms: Teen Wolf, Scandal, Glee, Twilight, The Gentlemen, and Crazy Rich Asians. Occasionally, Beyonce’s Homecoming special and other things will make an appearance. I include most characters from these programs and create some OC’s in my head that have nothing to do with the other fandoms. Sometimes I’ll pluck someone from another place, like Carrie from Sex & The City but combine her with Isabel from Glee and mix up her storyline, or create a character with the appearance of a famous actor, like the original Mr. Fantastic actor.

I loved music. I could listen to music all day and enjoy myself. Sometimes it was the soundtrack to my imagination or I’d have some of my characters sing the songs I was listening to. I would listen to the same songs on repeat and create scenes with them and sometimes I’ll be able to add new music to the mix. If I wanted to listen to an album, I’d sit/lay down in my room and focus on nothing but the album. If there was an artist I liked and wanted to explore more of, I would go through their entire Spotify history and listen to every song at least once. I’d add it to my Liked Songs playlist because I am crap at creating playlists (minus the Boudoir playlist I made last year for my photoshoot, but that’s another story). Almost every song I have ever liked is on my Liked Songs. I think I have over a thousand songs on there, which is pretty decent. I kind of know where every song is located when it’s organized by Recently Added. Minus screamo, heavy metal, gangsta rap, underground music or electronic music, I listened to a little of everything. I loved Glee, Hamilton, Meg the Stalion, Kendrick Lamarr, the Civil Wars, early Taylor Swift, American Authors, Secondhand Serenade, G-Eazy, Mulatto, Into the Heights, Moana, Victorious, I could go on. Every song plays a part of my history and I love expanding it.

I can’t really do those things the same anymore and I wish I could. Writing fanfiction sounds like it could be a possibility for me because most of my life, I wanted to be a writer or be an editor. The fear of financial security made me switch to a business major and it didn’t make things any easier I find. I guess more approving nods from other adults about my choice in degree was a plus.

I can’t focus on my own daydreams anymore. It used to give me so much joy but it also reflected my emotions: horny, sad, in love, etc. The fact that I was able to create worlds that don’t exist to anyone but me made me happy. Sometimes when I wanted to be closer to God, I’d even deepen the relationship of some of my characters with God. 

Music doesn’t sound the same anymore. I can’t focus to the point of slipping into happiness often.

I did have a good day the day before yesterday. I decided that maybe listening to the song that always lifted my spirits in the past, whether they needed lifting or not, would help. My song is “Do You Believe in Magic” by Aly & AJ. I don’t know what it is about that song but when I first heard it on Disney Channel when I was little for the movie, Now You See It. Something about that song was and still is special. I was able to sing horribly to the song. I was watching Freaky Friday that day and remembered how much Ultimate by Lindsey Lohan rocked. I was able to listen to that song and daydream a totally new scenario for my mental fanfiction characters. There was so much happiness and positivity in the scene.

That same day, when night fell, I felt so sad I made myself sick and was gagging in the toilet. I convinced myself not to make myself throw up because I don’t want that to become a habit. I don’t want to mentally make myself sick and think that throwing up every time will fix me. I felt like shit for hours later, but I was glad that I didn’t throw up. I knew I was in a bad enough position that I needed company. 2/3 of my best friends and one of their boyfriends showed up at my place, late at night and stayed with me for hours. We’d talk about the issues that were plaguing my mind and about 2 of them moving into a new apartment together. 

I went back and forth from lying in the bathroom and lying in my bed. I don’t know why but whenever I was sick growing up, laying on the bathroom floor made me feel better. I know it is unsanitary and gross, but you get to a point that you don’t care. The bathroom has always felt safe for me. I still remember the first time I did it. My mom, brother, and I lived in an apartment about 20-30 minutes away from where we live now. I was getting ready for school one day and I guess I didn’t feel good. I laid down on the bathroom floor and that’s how my mom found me. She knew that this little 5 or 6 year old that never complained about school wasn’t faking anything. I think after that point, my mom became pretty trusting of me whenever I said I can’t go to school. Whether I was physically sick or needed a mental health day, she let it happen. I didn’t practice this often until I was junior high and high school, but it helped knowing my mom would let me take care of myself however I saw fit. I think she also didn’t want to have to keep taking off of work to pick me up from school.

The issues that brought me to tears were my boyfriend, the love of my life. I have only dated one boy before him. That was back in high school and I liked that I had a boyfriend more than I actually liked my boyfriend. We had been friends for years and were in speech and debate together. I asked him to my prom and, due to a misunderstanding, he never replied. When we realized the misunderstanding, he asked me to his prom (We went to two different schools) which was fun. It was at a country club, his parents had dinner catered to their house for us (very successful accountants) and we got some cute pictures from that night. I found myself bored with the relationship and knew ending it wouldn’t affect my quality of life within that moment. So I did. Now he is happily out as gay with his partner of 3 years and starting Harvard Law in the fall. I kind of like that fact and it made it easier to be friends with him on Facebook and Instagram again.

But back to my current boyfriend, the boy I didn’t think that I would fall for. To make our love story short (I’ll probably go into more in another post), we met on Tinder 2.5 years ago when the guy I was talking to/dating previously decided to go back to his toxic/abusive ex-girlfriend. I was talking to my soon-to-be boyfriend and another guy at the time and my boyfriend was the one that lasted. I remember that I would message every Tinder match with “Aye” because everyone wants the other person to start the conversation or else there won’t be a conversation. He responded with “I love your smile. It’s so positive” and that was my downward spiral. We’re pretty good at communication and we are a good match for each other. We both come from mostly different backgrounds, racially and socially. Sometimes there are things about me he’ll never understand, but making strong friends with people who weren’t racially the same as me kind of prepared me for that. 

Anyways, he wants to be a doctor of osteopathic medicine (still don’t know what that is) and go to med school for it a year after our undergrad. I don’t plan on starting grad school right now because I am not fully sure what I want to do with my career just yet. I’m not going to put myself in more debt or spend more time in school without a reason. Anyways, not many medical schools in our state offer the certification he’d need so he’s even looking at schools out of state. I have always wanted to go with him and support him through it while I start my career, but as that time draws closer, I find myself unsure of myself.

I need a lot of attention and am very sociable. I know when he goes to med school, he won’t be able to give me as much attention and he can’t really be faulted for that. It probably won’t get any easier once he does his residency and beyond. Despite being sociable, I have created a support network of my family and friends (we’ve been together for like 10 years). It’s to a point that I can socialize with other people with the idea that they are going to be acquaintances or somewhat distant friends. I usually know what kind of friend I want people to be before or during meeting them. But my dependency on my support network is so... strong that it kind of messed up a very big job opportunity for me a few years ago. I am afraid of having to make new connections again once we move away. Regardless if he choses a school in our state or not, we’d have to move. I don’t want him to be my only social connection, but am also afraid of making new ones. 

I made a list of all the things that scared me with possible solutions in which moving away with him was on it. I wrote that I would try to connect with coworkers (I can’t imagine and kind of don’t want to be best friends with a coworker. You never know when play ends and work begins) and neighbors. I don’t even talk to my neighbors now. I thought I could bake my famous browned butter salted chocolate chip cookies and share them with people, hoping that it would be the start of something. I’ve picked up random conversations with random people before so hopefully I can still do that (I stopped the whole “don’t talk to strangers” thing when I was like 19). 

These solutions made sense to me and I hoped that by writing it down, I could move on with my life. That wasn’t the case. I became so focused on would by current boyfriend be able to meet my needs in the future and whether I’d be strong enough to let him go if it was impossible. I found myself loving him more than I loved myself and make decisions on bettering myself for him. Covid Vaccine? For him. Finding a good job? For him. I don’t want to love someone else more than I love myself. I don’t want these decisions to be based on another person. I want to chose what is right for me for me and not someone else.  

I wasn’t this way before my boyfriend. I actually avoided being in a relationship for a few years because I didn’t think I’d enter one for the right reason. Usually, I put myself and my happiness first. When I decided I was ready to care for another person, my boyfriend wasn’t the first guy I chose. I didn’t know he’d become the love of my life. I didn’t know that we’d want the same exact thing from our relationship and have active, open communication about or wants and needs from the other person. I craved his attention, always wanted to be around him, and didn’t even stop talking about him our first year together. I am better now, but he still finds way into my conversations because he’s what makes me happy. 

I’m not upset that I love him. I wouldn’t take that back. I just wish that I was enough for myself again in which I could make decisions for me and stand by them. I want to create the life I want and I want him a part of it. But if that’s not God’s Plan, can I let go of him? In all honesty, I’d rather be miserable with him with occasional happiness than miserable without him. Maybe that’s too strong of a statement so don’t take that at full face value.

I want to be able to figure this out while we are still together, but mentally I keep thinking I have a time frame to “fix myself”. At the same time, I know I don’t because I know mental health doesn’t work that way. I have the ability to take the time I need to take care of myself again which I am grateful for. It’s like having an adult and child in my mind. The child is crying all of my fears and anxieties while the adult is trying to calm them down with reasoning. I am thankful that I am at least this aware of my mental state. I can understand when something is anxiety or depression, name it, and although I am stuck with it, I try not to fall too deep in it.  

I still have hope things will get better and I won’t always feel this way. Hope and faith is all I have some days and that’s okay. I am one day closer to being the me I want to be.

[lefilmdujour]

500th movie celebration

Last month I have quietly passed the 500th movie landmark on my Tumblr, so I decided to make a post with text instead of pictures for a change.

Five and a half years ago, I have decided to create a Tumblr, my own personal space where I would upload film frames, mostly so I could remember all the many movies I watch. By associating an image to a title, it helps to maintain my mind fresh and pinpoint exactly why I loved or despised a certain movie, linking them to the people I have watched them with and the surrounding circumstances.

The criteria is simple but methodical: no more than one post per day, all films I watch are represented even if I am ashamed of having spent time with them, all films are represented only once regardless of the amount of times I’ve re-watched them throughout the existence of the Tumblr.

I like to watch Artsy Avant Garde movies. Trash movies. 80′s “classics”. 70′s sleaze. Documentaries, a whole lot of them. Surrealism. Nouvelle Vague. The occasional Hollywood blockbuster. Skin. I usually get complaints from people about the amount of nudity represented in the Tumblr. 

Movies, regardless of how bad they are to the viewer, always mean something special to someone, so I respect them all.

To celebrate the 500th movie landmark, I decided to pick 50 of the ones that evoke the most vivid memories in me. Quality and circumstance were the deciding factors. Random order. I recommend them all.

The Virgin Spring (Ingmar Bergman) - An inspirational exercise on mythology, symbolism, and pacing.

Philanthropy (Nae Caranfil) - Romanian New Wave is my latest passion. This one is a highlight. A very entertaining tutorial on how to scam and be scammed.

Wings of Desire (Wim Wenders) - Poetry in motion. Falling in love every day.

The World is Big and Salvation Lurks Around the Corner (Stefan Komandarev) - A road movie, on a bicycle. Friendship, memory gaps, backgammon.

The Red Turtle (Michael Dudok de Wit) - If a movie makes me cry, it goes to the favorites bucket. The story is simple, the animation is fluid, the outcome is expected. Yet, its message is always powerful.

The Imposter (Bart Layton) - More than a very compelling story of deception and manipulation, this documentary shines due to its brilliant editing. Made me feel pity, anger, compassion and repulse, often at the same time.

American Movie (Chris Smith) - If you love movies, then you cannot skip this documentary about a film director who makes his life mission to finish his crap movie, despite lack of funds, means, and talent. Funny and heartfelt. Highly quotable.

Mustang (Deniz Gamze Ergüven) - Growing up as a woman in traditional Turkey. A feminist look on a closed society. Beautifully shot.

Mad Max Fury Road (George Miller) - A throwback to a time when action movies were being made with a sense of movement and a requirement for suspension of disbelief. Amazing cinematography, highlighted in the recent “Black & Chrome” edition.

Nights of Cabiria (Federico Fellini) - The fruitless search for true love. Finding it, losing it, finding it again, losing it again, getting up, trying again. “Everything I’ve ever let go of has claw marks in it”.

Bicycle Thieves (Vitorio de Sicca) - A masterpiece. The importance of a bicycle as an instrument of survival in 40′s Italy. Puts things into perspective. Nothing can be taken for granted.

Underground (Emir Kusturica) - In my opinion, the greatest Kusturica movie. The sad story of a country that no longer exists.

The Hourglass Sanatorium (Wojciech Jerzy Has) - A very surreal experience where time and space are meaningless. Living in a lucid dream.

Despair (Rainer Werner Fassbinder) - The only Fassbinder movie I ever watched to date. I always want to watch more of him, but somehow keep forgetting. This movie makes justice to it’s title, despair creeps in slowly, but overwhelmingly by its end.

Mary and Max (Adam Elliot) - A claynimation film about friendship and mental health. Funny and melancholic. People should write letters to their friends more.

Blue is the Warmest Color (Abdellatif Kechiche) - A beautiful love story.

The Grand Budapest Hotel (Wes Anderson) - Twee as fuck, like all Anderson’s movies. This man can do no wrong.

Blue Jasmine (Woody Allen) - I have a special interest in movies related with mental health. The last great Woody Allen movie to date.

Grave of the Fireflies (Isao Takahata) - I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I claim that this is the saddest movie ever made. It took me days to recover from the emotional impact it left in me. War makes victims of us all.

Teorema (Pier Paolo Pasolini) - What would you do if you have been touched and subsequently abandoned by Divinity? The final scene is one of my all time favorites.

Forbidden Fruit (Dome Karukoski) - Two girls escape from a oppressive religious cult and experience life for the first time. The scene when one of the girls watches a movie for the first time, in a theater, left a good memory in me.

Forbidden Zone (Richard Elfman) - I like musicals too! This one in particular was scored by Danny Elfman, who also plays the devil in its most memorable scene. A weird freakout of a movie. Specially recommend the colorized version that adds up to the surreal atmosphere.

 Enter the Void (Gaspar Noé) - To be seen on a big screen with the best speakers money can buy. Intense psychedelic experience. Stay on the safe side, remain sober while watching this one.

My Best Fiend (Werner Herzog) - I find most of Herzog’s documentaries to be very relaxing. Not this one. Klaus Kinski was a fabled asshole. Werner Herzog is an eccentric lunatic. How these two geniuses managed to work together without killing each other (although both came very close to it) is definitely documentary material. An intense story about friendship, respect, and guttural hate.

The Big Lebowski (Joel Coen & Ethan Coen) - My favorite Coen brothers film. The week from hell on an otherwise quiet and unremarkable life. Improves with repeated viewings.

Mulholland Drive (David Lynch) - Spent years analyzing and trying to make sense out of this movie. I only understood it upon giving up on my quest. My favorite Lynch movie.

Female Convict Scorpion: Jailhouse 41 (Shunya Itō) - 70′s Meiko Kaji is a Goddess. A talent wasted in exploitation movies. Her eyes talk louder than all of the movies’s dialogue. This film is a Pink Women-in-Prison Japanese cheap thrill on surface, but the amount of symbolism and surrealism adds weight to a paper-thin plot. And the title song was borrowed to Tarantino’s Kill Bill. Truly one of my favorite movies ever.

Battleship Potemkin (Sergei Eisenstein) - Soviet Propaganda? Yes. Compelling gut-wrenching story? Yes. Cinematic masterpiece? Yes. Regardless on how you feel about the topic, there is no question that the Odessa steps sequence is a work of art. 

The Holy Mountain (Alejandro Jodorowsky) - Watch in on psychedelics, or don’t bother.

Heima (Dean deBlois) - A documentary about Sigur Rós’ return to Iceland. Even for people who are not fans of the band, the landscape is undeniably beautiful.

Django Unchained (Quentin Tarantino) - I am finding the latest Tarantino efforts to be a tad boring on repeated viewings. I usually love them when I see them on cinema, but then abandon them half-way when I try to watch them at home. But this one passed the home test, so it gets my thumbs up!

Disquiet (João Botelho) - Squeezing in a Portuguese movie due for national pride reasons. Not that I care much about those things. But I believe more people should watch this movie. The dialogue is lifted from my favorite poetry book, written by Fernando Pessoa. Heavy, dark, contemplative narrative.

Baraka (Ron Fricke) - There is a particular documentary style associated with both Ron Fricke and Godfrey Reggio that I find very appealing. Visual snapshots of people in their homelands. The silent contrast between traditional and modern. And the omnipresent feeling that all life is meaningless and mankind is a just a random occasion on a ball floating in space. Baraka is the best of all.

Rashomon (Akira Kurosawa) - There is nothing in the World like Kurosawa’s samurai movies, and no better samurai than Toshiro Mifune. Rashomon rises above the other excellent Kurosawa movies by its symbolism and usage of light. A murder story told by four different characters. The truth is somewhere in between the lies.

Dogtooth (Yorgos Lanthimos) - A perverse tale of innocence and isolation. 

Gomorra (Matteo Garrone) - Disturbing stories from Napoli’s crime underworld. Realistically shot, no sugar coating, no happy endings, no poetic criminals.

Kids (Larry Clark) - I had this one on VHS, a double feature that also included Trainspotting. Found memories attached to this movie, I saw the actors as a parallel to the kids in my street. Several of the participants in the movie are dead or living miserable lives nowadays. Just like the street kids from my youth.

A Woman Under the Influence (John Cassavetes) - It is not easy to get into this director. And this is a psychological scarring movie. The audience is led to descend into madness like its main character. 

Down by Law (Jim Jarmusch) - “I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream.”

Daisies (Vera Chytilová) - My most popular post for some reason. An excellent, imaginative, innovative, playful, senseless fun movie to watch. 

Taste of Cherry (Abbas Kiarostami) - A man’s quest to end his life. The ultimate taboo.

Black Orpheus (Marcel Camus) - Greek Mythology meets Brazilian Slum. A wonderful, poetic ending makes up for some dull parts in between. Excellent soundtrack!

The Cabinet of Dr Caligari (Robert Wiene) - Insane expressionist film with lovely painted backdrops that add a sense of depth and misdirection to its scenes. Timeless movie experience!

Amélie (Jean-Pierre Jeunet) - Modern Fairy tale. Inspirational. Makes me want to enjoy life more.

Oldboy (Park Chan-Wook) - Part of the Vengeance trilogy, I picked Oldboy because I now realize that I haven’t seen Sympathy for Lady Vengeance again ever since I started this Tumblr. Both films are excellent tales of twisted revenge. Oldboy’s fight scene has inspired a generation of copycats.

Spring Summer Fall Winter... And Spring (Kim Ki-duk) - Episodes of the life of a Buddhist monk, from childhood to old age. The wheel of life and rebirth. As Buddhist as it gets.

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (Terry Gilliam) - This got me into Hunter Thompson. There’s no such thing as too much drugs.

Battle Royale (Kinji Fukasaku) - A high school class is taken to a remote island and instructed to kill each other until only one survives. Classic 80′s video game plot, tickles the nostalgia bone just right without resolving to remakes and rehashes. Incredibly fun!

House (Nobuhiko Ôbayashi) - A horror movie, a comedy, a fever dream, an art-house lysergic extravaganza. Don’t know what to make of this movie, just that watching it is an amusing experience.

Band of Outsiders (Jean-Luc Godard) - I love all Anna Karina’s movies with Godard, so it’s hard to pick one. I went with Band of Outsiders because of its dance sequence. Godard had fun while experimenting with filming techniques, and this feeling is contagious to the audience. 

Thanks for reading and sticking around.

[elliswaldon4587-blog]

LSD May Aid Reveal What Makes Songs Meaningful

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