#i also need to start saving for NEXT MONTH’s car payment too

[ilguna]

YAYY I LOVE BEING STRESSED OUT ABOUT MONEY ITS MY FAVORITE FUCKING PASS TIME

[bonny-kookoo]

Does someone older JK spoil the OC sometimes? Like surprise her with something which he considerd to be nothing it would mean so much to her?

Oh he does, ALL the time! Warnings for a bit of angst, beginnings of a panic attack but Kook handles it well

"...we can go there again, maybe before new year's if I can get a table on short notice." He simply says as he drives you both back to his place, radio playing quietly in the background.

You're still a little overwhelmed.

He does things like this a lot- expensive dinner dates in restaurants he either knows or wants to try out, randomly buying you clothes or jewelry he finds online and deems pretty, or he just changes things in his house to adjust it more towards you and your preferences. Like the pillows in his bedroom, the by now multiple pairs of thick socks for your cold feet, or the baking supplies he bought for you now stacking up in his kitchen.

It's things like that you're not used to. In the past, it has always been you who needed to adjust and do things for your partner- not the other way around. So now, you feel almost guilty whenever he does something- like a bank account draining, slowly going further and further into the negatives, red numbers piling up and making you anxious as to when he'll want it all payed back.

"Did you not like it?" He wonders, taking your silence as a sign of discomfort as he pulls up on the expressway. "You don't have to lie." He chuckles, reaching out to hold your hand.

"No, it's not that." You deny, letting him warm up your cold fingers. "It's just.. it was a little expensive, no?" You wonder, and he shrugs.

"Was it? To be honest, I don't think it was considering what we ate." He just brushes off. "I've been to steak restaurants that were a lot more expensive and half the quality. And the service was great too, so I didn't mind." Jungkook explains, and it's now that you realize once again that you and him live in quite different worlds. Or at least, used to.

For him, money isn't an issue. He's made and is making enough of it to live comfortably, he doesn't have to really worry about running out of it anytime soon, even if his company was to go bankrupt next week. And he's also got enough saved up, has invested with good tactics in mind, so it's really no wonder he doesn't see a problem in spending the amount that he does.

But you aren't used to that. You have been living paycheck to paycheck with barely anything left over at the end of the month, needing your bonus desperately as to not fall behind on any payments you have to make regularly. You've lost your apartment before, had to sleep at friend's places to get by, and even ate only at the company cafeteria to save money usually spent on groceries. All of this feels almost excessive, and you also worry.

What if Jungkook starts spending too much on you? He shouldn't fall into a habit of mindlessly throwing money out.

"What's on your mind, darling?" He wonders, lifting your hand to kiss the back of it, before he changes lanes.

"I just.." you fidget a little. Jungkook isn't a bad guy. He won't get mad. He won't scold you. You won't have to endure being lectured for the rest of the ride- you know all this, and yet again, the past haunts you and makes your breathing pick up as you begin to chew on your lip.

Suddenly, you realize he's pulling up to a gas station, parking on the side. He gets out to get something from the backseat, before he walks around the car to open the passenger door where you sit, unbuckling your seatbelt. "Here." he offers the bottle of water, having opened the cap for you. "Put your legs out like that- there we go. Breathe baby." He gently tells you, squatting down a bit to make himself look smaller. "Take your time."

You feel embarrassed. How do you explain to him that you were feeling like a kid about to confess a bad grade just now?

"We can keep it a one-in-a-month thing, maybe, if that makes you more comfortable." He proposes. "I didn't take into account that it might be overwhelming to you- I'm sorry." He apologizes, but you shake your head, looking down at your knees.

"I just.." You mumble, unsure how to really explain. "I feel.. back then, you know.." You sigh, having trouble finding the proper words. "Talking in the car makes me.. anxious." You admit. "Because you know, when you get mad.. I can't escape.." You say. "I can't get away from it."

Jungkook kindly takes the bottle away from you to put it on the backseat again, before he's back in front of you.

"Thanks for telling me. I had an idea it might be that, but I wasn't sure." Jungkook says, hands on your knees. "I promise you I'm not mad. And I'm in no position to be mad at you for having opinions or personal taste that might differs from mine. We're two different people-" He chuckles. "-of course we'll have different views on things."

"But I really liked the dinner too." You say. "I just.. I don't want you to start.. spending so much money on me to the point of, I don't know, losing sight of it." You confess. "And maybe, we should keep stuff like this a bit rare? So it doesn't become routine. I want to keep it special.." You say. "I'm not.. I don't really know much about this stuff, because I never had enough money to go to these fancy places, and get designer clothes, or plan vacations in different countries and all that. I feel.. stupid sometimes?" You spill, making him lean his head a bit to the side. "Like, what if you one day take me to a company gathering or something, and someone asks me something and I can't answer or I say something dumb-" You rant. "-or maybe you won't ever take me because I'm too young? Maybe Eve is right and I'm not really the kind of-"

"Baby, darling, stop-" He chuckles, pushing your shoulders back a bit to look at him. "-take a good breath. You're panicking." He worries a little, but tries hard to stay composed as to not make you spiral any further. "Eve is wrong. If you're okay with this, of course I'll take you to company events. Why wouldn't I show off such a beautiful women at my side? I'd never pass up a chance to make those stuck up geezers jealous." He jokes, making your crack up a little. "Let's keep the dinners to special occasions. Keep it special, like you said." He offers, holding your hands now. "And I'm also.. the fact that you worry about me makes me feel.. very special." he chuckles. "I appreciate you looking out for me."

"I always look out for you.." You mumble. "..I just don't want to overstep any lines. You know. Since you're older than me-"

"Just because I'm older doesn't automatically mean that I know everything better." He reassures you. "Our age gap has nothing to do with any sort of power balance. Please don't think you can't speak your mind just because I was born earlier than you."

"..okay." You nod, and he leans forward to peck your lips, before he closes the door for you after you pull your legs back in and buckle your seatbelt, him getting back into the driver's seat to do the same.

"You know.." he starts, as he pulls out of the gas station to continue the drive back home. "..I'm really falling in love with you." He chuckles, dimples of his cheeks showing with how hard he smiles.

"Huh?" You wonder, taken aback by the sudden confession.

"I mean it." He nods. "I really am."

"I'm glad then." You admit. "..cause I am too." You admit, making him grin before he reaches over to hold your hand again.

Knowing that he really won't ever let you go again.

[thedemisapphic]

GoFundMe info!!!

Hi again! So, this is where I'll go into some more detail about this gofundme and why I feel I need it. Info about my rottmnt redbubble designs at the bottom too.

Please read this over, it's important to me that y'all don't just scroll past this.

At like the beginning of this month, me and my bestie were on a phone call catching up, when she pitched the idea to me about possibly moving in together. Shit's so expensive in America, so having a roommate is more than ideal. And having one you actually know well is even better! And I feel like I can't make any more progress on my mental health until I move out and get a fresh start! So, I accepted! The catch is, her lease ends in March. And I don't have any savings rn (I was going to get a job this month anyway and slowly start saving money to move out in a year or two, I was caught off guard). But I feel like I'm ready for this. It's just going to get a lot worse before it gets better because ✨stress ✨.

I've spent the last couple weeks coming up with a budget, goals, and some planning. And the big issue I've come across is a car! I am more than capable of making the money on my own, but under these circumstances, I'm not sure. I am also just so stressed and overwhelmed right now. I was overwhelmed with things going on before this, though not nearly as bad. The stress of needing to make enough money in time for the move is just eating me alive. A couple days ago, I started crying because of a totally optional class I do not have to take, that would give me a nice certificate for me to put on my resume (I never went to college so that would make my resume look better). My grandma had to remind me I don't need to do anything I don't want to, and went to the store the next day to get me some natural stress relief pills while I go through this. Because I keep breaking down and stressing about it. I've never had a job before, and I want to do everything right. But I don't want to jeopardize my mental health. So starting part time, taking things slow.

But I can't go TOO slow or I won't meet my deadlines!!!

Not only do I need to save enough money to get a car (which is a big requirement- if I don't have my own car then I can't move out) but I also have to get that done early enough for me to save up money for when I move out. Down payment on an apartment should be like 2.5k I think, will save to 3k if I can. And I need a couple extra thousand for things we might need, like furniture or dishes or whatever. I don't think we'll need a lot, but I need to be ready. PLUS when I get my car, I'll then need to pay monthly expenses and gas. And when I move out I'll have even more monthly expenses, so I want some money in my account to make me feel safer while I adjust.

Y'all are probably gathering why I need help lol.

SO to the point, my friend has been helping keep my head on my shoulders and walking me through it since she's been living on her own for a little bit now and is able to give advice. I am super grateful to have her, and she helped me find some affordable cars + how to tell if they're worth your time or not. Nothing less than 5k for a car, clean title, check all the features, just don't leave anything unturned. My budget for a car is 7k. I found a green slug bug that I really like, and I'm hoping to get that one. But it could easily get sold, so I have some other cars in mind just in case. Some kind of automatic slug bug.

This is a very big change in my life, and this transition is a LOT for me to handle. I have some good resources on my side to help make sure I set everything up as good as I can, but my mental health is the only thing I'm really worried about because it is SUCH a small timeframe to get that kind of money. At least I think it is. Either way, I'm fucking stressed and could use help getting money for a car! I'm planning on making money, myself, just in case this doesn't work out. But it doesn't hurt to ask for help. And I don't really know many people. Plus my Nana was kind of judgy about the idea of a gofundme as if I'm above that kind of begging, like no I am not lol I'm on my way to a breakdown if I don't get something situated. So I don't want to tell my family about this gofundme. I don't have the energy to deal with their doubts rn, and nobody can give me money anyway.

So, what I'm asking you lovely people to do is share this around. Donate if you can but if not try to get the link to people who are able to. I know 7k is a lot, but that's why I think if more people know about it, then I can reach my goal that much easier. And the faster I reach it, the more likely I am to get the green slug bug I like! So please like, comment, reblog, share the link wherever you deem appropriate. Whatever you are able to do, I appreciate it.

This post will be linked to my masterpost, so if you ever want to revisit it, you can go there. If you have any questions or suggestions, you are more than welcome to ask. I've never made a gofundme before, so making sure I'm totally transparent about it all is important to me. Again, thank you so much for helping. I really hope I can reach my goal, because that kind of support would make so much of a difference for me <3 that's all, you can go about your day now

edit: ALSO I have redbubble designs that should go public sometime this month, early next month at the latest. Depends on how long it takes Redbubble to review them. Buying stuff from there supports me too!!! And sharing any promotional content I make about it!!! It's a pet collection with Leo, Raph, Mikey, and Donnie. Leo and Raph are already done and should go up within the timeframe I specified. Mikey's is almost done, and will go up a little later than theirs. I haven't started Donnie's yet, so it will be a little bit before y'all get access to him. Follow and turn on notifications if you want to be notified when the first round of designs goes public, so you can help other people know about them and hopefully support me! :D

[thedeviljudges]

ok so maybe a tl;dr kinda post. it's me just writing down my thoughts about the apartment stuff.

tagging @clawbehavior @technitango in case yall wanted an update too!!

so i technically started my apartment hunt last year when i thought i was moving, and while i did realy love two places (owned my the same company so the floor plans were the same) - mainly bc of the amount of light it had from window set up, for the amount of sq ft you got for the price, it just didn't and still doesn't make sense.

but with those in mind and also touring apartments with my friend who was planning to move in this month, there's been a lot to choose from. there's another apartment on my list that another friend lives at, but i think ultimately it's similar to the two above where the price you get for the space isn't the cheapest, especially for what i need.

which led me two the last two apartments i toured today. starting with the second one:

the price is fantastic for the space (ideally need a 2 bedroom or a 1 bed with den/study; i'm hybrid for work). the place was fine. gated and really close to a major area of shops. the biggest issue is the visitor parking - it's all at the front of the complex, and there's only about 25 spaces to which the leasing agent said they're full most of the time. i also didn't get the wow feeling with it. it was just okay. i really wish i would've loved it bc on paper, it would've been great.

but the first place we toured? it's the apartment that had a great unit for the perfect pricing that someone snatched up two days ago (that i posted about a few days ago), and i'm so upset about it because this place is perfect. that unit was a 1 bed with study, but there's no more available so my next option is a 2 bedroom. i can afford it, technically, but it also means with utilities, my car note and other expenses, i won't have much left over each month for casual spending, etc.

which isn't necessarily a bad thing. so many people are in that position right now given the economy. and this wouldn't be that expensive if i didn't have my car note - so my options are to suck it up and go for the space and just be extremely frugal for awhile - with the intention of moving my banking to a credit union and try to apply for refinancing there, which would hopefully lower my interest rate and loan payment on my car.

i'm also inclined to go for this space because i truly fell in love with it. it's exactly what i need; the community is great. it's gated and safe, and i love everything about it, and it's one of the only properties that i truly felt i could live there and enjoy it. i'm also someone that is very intuitive, and this just feels right - like deep down i think i know i won't really be that happy anywhere else. and i hate to hype it up so much bc i know i could move in and end up hating it, but i truly think this may be it?? i'm just so hesitant because of the price. i feel really stupid for even considering it because i feel like what i should be doig is being more sensible, find a smaller place and save money - especially bc if i go with the bigger unit, it also leaves me with not very much to put into savings.

i have a quote, but i've seen the prices online fluctuate, so i'm going to test my luck to see if it'll drop down to a lower rate. if someone nabs the unit before me, then i'll probably forfeit the need for a bigger space, go smaller and then see if i can move into a bigger unit the following year. i would hate to do that because i really want to separate my work from my personal space (this is a big deal for me given my last toxic work environment), and it's easier to do that with a den/study or two bedroom, but i really love the place enough to consider a year there with a smaller unit and then potentially move within the same complex. like, it will suck not having the space i want and not being able to completely remove work (my desk would either have to go in the living room or bedroom, and bc my desk is in my bedroom right now, that's also a big no. i highly do not recommend putting work where you sleep). but i think i could hold out for another year bc i think i'll just be excited to have my own space.

so that's where i'm at right now tbh. i think i'm set on the apt complex; now it's just choosing the unit.

*i should also note that if i got a 2 bedroom unit on the 2nd or 3rd floor, that would be cheaper. my ideal is the first floor bc i've lived on the first floor in my current place, and i'm so used to it. i could possibly do a 2nd floor unit since it'd be less stairs to climb, but it's also not ideal.

[venusinsilk]

Also my shopping list for tomorrow and this weekend-

But first and foremost I am MAKING BILL AND HOME PAYMENTS EARLY so far i'm 4 weeks ahead and it feels amazing!! Like June was paid early last month and tomorrow I'll pay for July. Would be so cool to get to October and have the rest of the year already paid for. I think I can swing both July and August this month. First time in my life I've ever been able to get ahead like this!! Anyway here's what's in my head-

Storage bins for all our camping supplies

Bubble bath in various flavors 💅

La croix

Fruits and vegetables

Deodorant, my usual one melted when I went camping at the music festival 😫

I really want to treat myself to either a perfume, jewelry (choker or small hoop earrings) or swim suits.... I've been spoiling myself low key and I should only pick one! I feel so entitled to little gifts like this because I've been working so much and this is the most financial freedom I've ever had. It's also the most freedom I've ever had to do what I want with my appearance in terms of buying clothes, jewelry, piercings, etc. I've also been donating a lot and giving away things that no longer resonate with me.

I also need to put at least $300 of my next paycheck(s) in my Roth IRA it's no joke. My savings have been pathetic the extra job only made my spending habits worse!!! The only good thing I've been doing is paying for the house payments early!!

Car wash???? Um I have not washed my car in over 6 months, no shame idc

Maybe a stupid cover for my steering wheel? It's raining flaky black bits all over me when I drive, in addition to all the other issues my car has

Maybe a new cheap yoga mat. My older ones are so beat up and falling apart from me using them outside to workout. Would love a clean one to keep indoors.

If I have a little more money to spare I'd love another couple of pairs of period underwear...

Oh yeah we're also planning a fucking trip to Ireland, so far we only got plane tickets to London. We still need to book everything else. I'm gonna start working like 50 hours a week again soon

I also want thigh high socks from sock dreams!! I've wanted some cute socks from them for years! I want a pair in black and another in olive green or a red wine color. Maybe gray too? They'll be so cute to wear in colder weather with the mary jane heels I got earlier this year.

Ok one last thing.... I want a stand up paddle board... there's this one that costs $300 and it comes with 2 paddles and a bag, and it's inflatable! So it can fold up into a duffle bag. So cool right?

Ok while we're on the subject of exercise, I also want a fucking punching bag and gloves.... I have anger issues I need to work on and I love boxing. Maybe I'll find something on offer up

I also want to go to Catalina for my birthday. Cheapest hotel is $360/night... 😬 I need to take LSD and wander around a quaint paradise and jump in some clear water. I need this for my health!!!!!

I want a tattoo

[greenteawaist]

money plans; ignore this it's boring but writing it out helps me visualize

paying off the rest of husband's car (<$1000) next friday when i get paid - freeing up $415ish/mo

sounds like we shouldn't have to pay as much as we were worried about to get my car fixed, not sure how much yet but i shouldn't have to worry as much about not having as much savings as we "should" have rn

will pay off the credit card in a couple months (only carrying a balance so we could pay the car off sooner and free up some money) - should be getting about $1k from insurance to help with that in the next month-ish

then payments will start on our $8000 heloc (no interest currently - rough estimate minimum payments will be $250ish) in jan or feb

and we'll focus on paying off my lowest student loan ($4500ish - freeing up $325/mo) and getting savings back up to ~$12k

recap:

debt reduction: 1000 + CC + 4500 = 5500 + CC

monthly payment reduction 415 + CC - 250 + 325 = 490 + CC

all of that should take us until about the end of next year, and then we'll pay off the heloc after and start shoving money back at our investments and saving a bit more unless something happens (most of 2025).

we should also be reaching the 80% amount on our mortgage around here, so the PMI will drop off (so we'll pay $100/less month towards escrow)

after the heloc is paid off, we'll need to get a new one pretty soon afterwards to do our roof and some basement work -- undecided yet if we'll just do $20-30kish for that or go bigger and do an addition too or not.

if we go small, i'll probably focus on the smaller of my two remaining student loans to dump money towards -- if we go bigger, i'll save as much as possible during the no-payment period of the heloc and then focus in on heloc2 before the rest of my student loans (total student loan payment after the other is paid off will only be about $150/mo and interest is pretty low, so carrying it and paying minimums indefinitely isn't a big deal tbh -- i'd just prefer to not do that lol)

[fyeahkaimelia]

this has Nothing to do w greys anatomy and i havent even been active here (but hey, this season is back so i just might be too) but i need to vent somewhere and i can’t do it on main cause irl ppl follow me there. i don’t even mind them knowing these things like its not a secret or anything but idk it’s weird

i owe ab r$ 130.000 to my university. every year i Don’t Pay the bills and owe them a huge amount of money and then they let me pay like 1/5 or even 1/6 of what i owe to be able to enroll in the next school year. i’m currently starting 4th year of med school (it’s 6 years long). this time they said they’d only do that thing where i pay a fifth of what i owe now and leave the rest to pay “later” if i use a credit card, which i don’t have — all my payments have always been thru debit yk. and i can’t get a credit card cause i owe the bankS (plural, i owe money to like every bank in the country) like over 200k from loans i’ve taken before, which i’ll never pay them back probably (it’s okay, i don’t have anything to my name so they can’t legally take anything from me cause of it). which is why i obviously also can’t get a loan.

i currently have about 40k. i’m selling my shitty car for 7k, i have a solid buyer, so i guess i have ab 47k. i’m trying to sell a shitty studio apartment in a bad neighborhood for 70k, even though it’s worth ab 120k, just to try to get it sold as fast as possible. i work a part time honest job for less than a minimum wage and i use that money to “pitch in” and help pay the bills (i live w my mom and she pays for everything but sometimes we fall short).

and i sell stuff on the side. how much i sell is directly related to how much extra cash i need that month, but it’s usually around 1k. if i really put myself out there i can make much, much more, and i usually avoid that so i don’t get too well known™, but recently (since like november) i’ve been doing that, and making ab 5k a month (which is how i’ve been saving money these past few months), and i’m currently facing the opportunity of expanding that further and maybe even make up to 10k a month from selling my stuff alone, but i’m not sure if i’ll do that cause i think people are already getting too comfy introducing my services™ to other ppl, and i even got a street name. that was sort of a wake up call for me. i sometimes get texts from strange numbers that’ll be like “hey, [insert friend’s name] gave me ur number” and i check with that friend if they’re cool before selling etc, but lately those ‘friends of friends’ all started calling me dr. hu, and it sort of caught on, and ppl who aren’t in any way connected to those ppl told me they’ve heard my “name” (dr. hu) being brought up by strangers in a couple of hang out spots in my neighborhood, and that really made me rethink the whole thing. it’s okay, my neighborhood is pretty chill, there’s not much activity here, there’s only a few parks where young ppl go to have fun, there aren’t any territorial gangs or anything, so at least i’m safe from that. but still.

also, “dr. hu” is a reference to this guy (i didnt get it at first, i thought they were saying dr who first few times i heard it):

ANYWAY. back to the point. i’ve been going to class even though i’m not officially enrolled in this semester yet, cause that’s what my lawyer told me to do, cause we’ll try to get a judge to demand my uni to let me pay in installments w debit or cash or a fucking check like it’s fucking 2007, whatever, just not credit. (idk if it wasn’t clear before, but they let me pay in cash if i pay the entire amount at once, i just don’t have that rn). but if we can’t get a judge to do that (we should find out by next week), my only way out would be if i can sell the apartment until before my exams start — and they start on march 15. otherwise i won’t be able to take the exams and i’ll automatically flunk all my classes, so.

my second option (if both the apartment thing and judge thing fail) would be to transfer to a different uni. that would hurt me deeply cause i like my uni’s curriculum better, it’s the best in the state, and i know i’d be transferring to a uni that isn’t as good. and mostly cause i’m already so integrated in my uni, i have my friends and my academic leagues and i’ve been a pharma TA (which gives me a 20% scholarship) and intended to keep on it, and i write papers for it and i had big plans to write ab some of my special interests in pharma (yea drugs are a special interest to me fr lol) and get to show them in medical conferences etc.

and there’s my bf. he’s the best thing ab uni to me tbh, he’s the reason i wake up in the morning exhausted but still excited to go to class cause he’ll be there. and it’s hard for us to see each other cause we both have jobs that demand a lot from us (i work as an “assistant” to er doctors — they pay me directly to do their work part time so they can sleep or study for residency undisturbed during part of their shifts, and he works with politics). so we only rly see each other out of class like once a week; and it’s fine cause we see each other in class almost everyday and we skip class to get high and make out on campus sometimes (like fucking teenagers ik ik), but all of that will be gone if i transfer. i’ll be lucky if i get to see him for a few hours a week. and it kinda feels like my world will colapse if that happens. i know it’s dramatic but idk, he’s kinda the light of my life rn. i know i’d get over it, i’d get over him if i had to, but i don’t want it to come to that, i really don’t, cause i’m in love & i genuinely believe we could have the life of our dreams together soon enough

anyway. transferring would genuinely be horrible but i’d get used to it. i’m already getting used to that possibility. yesterday it felt like it was the end of the world, i sobbed like a child just for considering it for a second, it felt like when ur a kid and everything gets taken away from u and u find out the world is a cruel and unjust place for the first time (i got sent to an international boarding school at age 6 man idk that’s how it felt like). but now i’m already more accepting of that possibility. i’d survive it, i’ve survived much worse, and i’d learn to enjoy it (in a bittersweet way). i’d probably lose touch with my best friend from uni (which SUCKS ASS cause he’s one of the best friends i’ve ever had, friends like him are hard to come across yk), but i’d make new friends eventually. maybe i’d find a way to make my relationship work. and i’d get to Not pay 130 thousand reais to my uni; bitches didn’t let me pay my way, they ain’t ever seeing money from me again. which would be pretty nice

and my third option, my worst option, is taking a gap year. just pausing everything. i finished 3rd grade in 2022, and i’d start 4th grade in 2024. a gap year. it’d come to that if the couple of unis i’d consider transferring to need me to take extra classes (essentially “repeat” some classes i’ve already taken) because of curriculum differences. it’d suck so, so much, but i’m still tryna prepare myself mentally for that possibility. honestly med school is my life. idk how i’d cope without medicine. honestly i skip class all the time and i hate some of my classes and i hate working with clinical medicine (which i’m required to do as a student) but still, my life kinda revolves around the fact that i’m on my way to becoming a doctor. it’s kind of what i live for. i’m not a straight As student, i’ve never been a pleasure to have in class, i get Bs and mostly Cs and i don’t study for my classes like i should, i don’t turn in my assignments, i’m essentially a very Bad student, but medicine is still my life. pharmacology and anesthesiology are my special interests. reading the entire goodman & gilman book for fun several times kinda thing. and i feel like that’s what i’m worth. i know it’s not healthy, but my entire sense of self worth is based on my academic life. which is ridiculous cause i’m not even a good student! but having mediocre grades and only studying for the few classes that i actually enjoy somehow is enough for me to feel ok ab myself. not great, i don’t have awesome self esteem, but okay enough yk. but my self esteem will go to zero so fast if i simply don’t have an academic life anymore.

and what would i do with a gap year? i’d probably work more, and maybe sell more, and maybe, just maybe, i’d work on myself. study more ab the things i’m interested in, go to the gym, help my mom w her garden. but the truth is i’d probably fall into a self destructive pattern of sleeping all day and binge eating and doing drugs. letting dirty dishes pile up all over my room, wearing the same set of pjs for weeks, not washing my hair like ever. eventually stop going to work, never leave the house. start getting social anxiety, avoiding all my friends, shutting down completely. going days without eating or seeing a single person irl. it’s happened before more than a few times, i know how i can be. i’ve had enough clinical depression episodes. and i think it could go harder than ever before (the worst one i’ve ever had was in 2017, when i spent 2 months in bed).

ok i kinda spiraled there. maybe that wouldn’t happen. it probably wouldn’t happen. and one good thing is i’d definitely find a way to make more money, so i could actually spend some on something other than bills. i could finally get the tattoos i want. ok but that’s the only silver lining i can find. and even if i didn’t fall into a depression™, would my relationship survive it? cause yea, i’d have time and money to see him, work around his schedule since he’d be busier than me, but i’d feel like shit. i’d feel like i’m worth less than him because he’d be too ahead of me academically, and i’d be stagnated. i can’t explain it.

[sweetbriermouse]

FINALLY!!!! I HIT 168.8lbs this morning! I also figured out some of my problems and will be fixing then over the next 3 months with some help! I'm back to the gym this week since I have been careful over the weekend and am almost completely recovered!

One of my vehicles, the one that broke down, is now running again with no shop visit so that's amazing! I will still get it a full workover asap but now I don't have to replace a transmission like I was worried! My other vehicle still needs tires and a shop visit because the last one fucked it up but it took me months to realize so now I can't do anything but go elsewhere. Brightside, I found the exact tires I need brand new for $70 cheaper per tire than quoted! And my quote was supposedly discounted so thats another big bonus! I'll be replacing them end of the month and getting the car into a shop hopefully around or just after the new years.

With my raise and my increase of hours next month I will also be taking over 100% of utilities for the household and just over half of the mortgage payments! Currently my mother owns the house and does live here though she isn't home most of the time, but the house will be given to myself and my partner when she moves as was the plan since purchase as the 3 of us went in together on it to avoid being homeless or forced to move all 3 in different places. My mother never intended to stay beyond a few years, though it's a positive relationship so we don't mind sharing a home. Her debt has gotten a bit too large though so my being able to take on almost $750 of the household bills and my partner covering internet, trash, household groceries, and miscellaneous expenses as well frees up a good chunk for her so she can pay down or off those debts!

I am going to be launching explicit sites at the end of this month with 3 tiers of subscriptions as well. I won't post much on here about them because that's not what this blog is for, but I do wanna share that I am doing it because to me it is a huge deal! I am excited because it's honestly very freeing to me to post that sort of content, not to mention boosting my self confidence more because while I highly critique my own work I also refuse to ever modify it. I don't use filters on posts unless they are obvious things like the snapchat butterflies or horns, I don't reshape or touch up things because I don't want to warp my self image more than I do as is, and when I do look back on them later I tend to love myself. Any extra income from it also means extra payments on debt or extra savings built up since regardless of how much I make I never plan to budget any stable income from it nor do I ever intend for it to be my main source of income.

Additional goodies for 2024, I GOT ACCEPTED INTO MY STATE UNIVERSITY!!!!! I'll be attending for the fall 2024 semester and getting my bachelor's in accounting followed by my masters and a CPA license! I'll be speaking with an advisor in a couple weeks about 100% online options so I can maintain my full time job, and I will be heavy hitting the preemptive studies! I have an accounting for dummies book, some podcasts, and additional resources and am super duper stoked to study so it's an easier transition into the degree!

I'm also doing outfit and glow up boards on punterest, spending more time on myself when I have the energy, and working on different things that improve my energy! 2023 is pre glow up prep! Learn how to have one, start forming the habits! 2024 is glow up season! Getting out of debt, getting into positive tracks, improving my quality of life and self love, and being my best self! No more lazy fits and messy styles, no more feeling and looking blegh. I'll be stepping up my game three times as much as now! Baby steps for now full run for the new years!

[timeoverload]

I have been so angry all day and I am literally shaking still. I am trying really hard not to take it out on anyone. I think I might be a little hormonal.

I am still frustrated about what happened on Saturday but I haven't wanted to make a big deal out of it. I guess I am just supposed to wake up super early every Saturday and get ready in case you decide you want to message me. It is making me anxious now. I would appreciate to get some more notice next time because you didn't say anything until 1:30. I don't want to keep doing this and I just want to hang out now...

I wish you weren't mad at me about it because I wanted to see you too. I definitely didn't enjoy the rest of my weekend. I wish I wouldn't have had things I needed to do that day and that I had felt better. I really didn't mean to upset you or ruin your weekend. I'm sorry.

I also didn't know what I wanted to get but I think I figured it out. I want a snake on my upper right arm with some hibiscus flowers. I think I want red hibiscus flowers. I think I want to incorporate some more cherry blossoms into that or some other small flower. Flowers are kind of my thing I guess. I still haven't found any good reference pictures but I'm working on it. I'm sure whatever you come up with will look amazing as always. I know you were trying to convince me to get a koi on my arm but I want one on my leg. I am starting to get more ideas now.

I know that I had mentioned earlier last week that I needed to spend time over the weekend working on my finances because it has been bothering me a lot and I've been having nightmares about it. I am just trying to be responsible. I already got sued once last year. I didn't want to try to take out any money from my bank account over the weekend because I was waiting for my payments to clear.

I didn't have time to call the OBGYN's office today to pay my bill from a couple months ago and I owe them $200 still. I tried to pay online and it wasn't working. They closed before I got off work. I was super busy this afternoon and I got another call from a debt collector and I decided to answer it because I was already mad and having horrible anxiety about everything. I just want them to go away. The guy on the phone was super rude. They wanted money for a bill that I didn't even know I had from when I was in the hospital. I just decided to pay it even though it was over $300. I have like no savings left. I was trying to save up for a car but I knew I had a lot of bills to pay for first. I guess I didn't realize how much I owed because I'm so disorganized. Maybe I will learn this time.

There are things I need to buy right now too so I might be struggling for a while. I need to make sure I have enough in my account to cover the bills that are on auto-pay. I'm trying not to spend too much money on food at work. I know I need to have at least $100 for Friday. I hope I can also afford new glasses and take the cats to the vet next week. I won't get paid until next Friday.

I also wanted to order some things to donate but I didn't want to do that until I paid some stuff off. I am planning on doing that tonight so hopefully whatever I end up getting arrives on time. I'm not sure if I will have the energy to go to the store and it's easier for me to order things.

I didn't have a good day. It definitely felt like a Monday. I got woken up by a fox screaming outside my window. They like to hang out on the side of the house at night. I love them and I think they're adorable but they make the most unsettling noises. I went outside to get in my car for work and noticed my car door was frozen shut. I had to get a ride to work from my dad but I wasn't late thankfully. I'm glad I can rely on him when I need help. It was nice to not have to worry about parking or walking in the cold today.

When I got to work, I was the only one in the department and I didn't know where anyone was. I was trying to get my eye stuff set up when someone came running in to tell me there were priorities in decontam and they needed to be done right away. There were 6 impactor drills and those are a pain to wash and I ended up having to do it because no one else was around. I couldn't wait for someone to show up because I didn't have a lot of time to get them in the autoclave. I still had a lot of my own stuff to do but somehow I figured it out. I also set up a bunch of pans for the wrong doctor because I've been distracted and lost in my head. They can still use the pans tomorrow but I try to be accurate so I don't create more work for the techs but there's not much I can do about it now. The state showed up for a surprise inspection this morning and they are supposed to be there until Thursday. Everything is always so chaotic when they show up because the people in charge are trying to cover their asses and hide things. Everyone is so stressed out and I hate it. I'm not looking forward to tomorrow because they are going to follow me and watch me work for a while and that's going to be nerve-racking. I'm trying not to think about it. I'm glad I didn't have to stay late tonight because I was on the verge of having an episode at work.

It's nice to be home now. I think I'm finally starting to calm down. I have no idea what I'm going to eat tonight but my stomach still feels like it's in knots. I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through the rest of the week but I will survive. I still have so much stuff to do tonight so I probably should stop writing now. I am already so tired but I am expecting to be up late tonight anyway. Hopefully tomorrow is better than I think it will be.

I hope everyone else has a lovely evening. Thanks for listening to me vent.

💖💖💖

[frivolousfuckery]

I posted 32,211 times in 2022

That's 20,385 more posts than 2021!

57 posts created (0%)

32,154 posts reblogged (100%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@spongebobssquarepants

@allteeensrelate

@only1600kids

@autumngracy

@weed-cat

I tagged 47 of my posts in 2022

#me - 11 posts

#personal - 7 posts

#dogblr - 6 posts

#my dog - 5 posts

#life update - 5 posts

#signal boost - 4 posts

#the big gay - 3 posts

#my dog is so fucking weird - 3 posts

#gremlin boy - 2 posts

#chronic panic - 2 posts

Longest Tag: 136 characters

#like yeah the extra hours are great but i literally left here after 10 pm yesterday and was back at 7am and im tired and want to go home

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Just realized I haven't heard from the science side of Tumblr in a long ass time, y'all ok?

8 notes - Posted July 13, 2022

#4

12 notes - Posted November 10, 2022

#3

I really need to get out of food service/ physically demanding jobs in general. Most of my experience is in the food industry, working with kids, or working with cars. I love all of these things, but I have too many health problems and too much chronic pain that by the end of a shift I feel like I'm fucking dying. does anyone have any advice or resources on how I can find something else that will still help me support my family with the experience I have? I'm more than willing to try new things and put in the effort, and if it happens to be something I can do from home, even better!

Quick overview of limitations:

-i don't have a car

-i can't afford to pay money to start anything or buy equipment that is not provided by a job

-please no mlms or scams

51 notes - Posted July 2, 2022

#2

My last post has stopped moving and the situation is even worse than before.

Basically we have until Halloween to gather the funds to move and be out of our apartment, otherwise we will be homeless and lose all our animals and belongings.

Vmo and ca$happ are both enbymickie ppal is willefordsavannah@gmail.com

Please please share and dm for proof if needed

88 notes - Posted October 18, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Hey so shit went really bad all at once and it's a whole thing.

My gas got shut off for non payment even though I was paying the front office. The lady was pocketing my money and got fired already, but I was paying cash so the apartment complex isn't helping me get it back on since there's "no proof" that it was paid I have $30 worth of overdraft that has to last me until Sunday, including feeding both my partner and I, I need to get food for Sampson (my bearded dragon, all the other animals are good to go and stocked up, but im out of fresh veggies), and I still need to get a ride to work Saturday. So like That's stressful Like this completely fucked me financially and for getting the house, it wiped out our savings and is making rent hard to afford Plus my roommate emptied my change that I was saving up for a car without asking, so the other $347 I had saved in coins is gone now too. Literally Everything was going so good, I was supposed to be getting a promotion, and we were supposed to be moving into a house in December, but the promotion fell through and now our savings are wiped out.I already paid the $500 to turn the gas back on, but I still owe another $500 and I only had half of the rent so I owe the apartment complex like $600 bucks still, plus all of the bills and next months rent are due on our next paycheck and all our savings are gone. it's looking like I'm going to be stuck in this apartment for a whole extra year. I've gotta come up with at least 2 grand by the end of the month to cover the other half of this months rent, next months rent, and the bills, 2500 if I want to pay the remaining lump sum on the gas bill, but that still leaves me at being broke or behind because I still also have to keep the house running, animals and people fed, get rides to work, and buy necessities And like I can do it if I work a shift at both jobs every single day but I'm already so exhausted and overworked I genuinely don't know if I can do that, Idk man I'm just overwhelmed and numb and not really processing anything bc I feel like if I think about it too hard everything that's built up is going to come crashing down and I'm going to break.

Anything at all would be super helpful and appreciated, and please please please reblog

C*sh*pp and v*nm* are both enbymickie

P*yp*l is willefordsavannah@gmail.com

322 notes - Posted September 9, 2022

KoGet your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[dragon-of-dreams]

A Debt to pay

My Masterlist

Pairing: dark!mafia!Bucky x Reader

Warnings: noncon; breading kink; threats, murder, readers parents are dead, reader getting hit across the face, DEAD DOVE DO NOT EAT! Seariously, this is some really dark shit with some astonishingly soft sx... No idea how that happened... 18+!!!

No mentions of y/n, and reader is kinda an off because she has a back-story but no physical descriptors are used.

Summary: Your dad dies unexpectedly and you take over running the family cafè. The costs for your daddy’s funeral bring the head of the Barnes family to your doorstep as you struggle to keep up with the payments for a loan you had no idea your dad had taken out with them. You get “offered” an alternative method of payment.

a/n: this was a request by the lovely @oneoftheprettynerds

I hope I did it justice! Thank you for being the most patient person in the world, when Covid, life, exams, life and so on and so forth got in the way of your wish!

Prompt: Can I please get a dark mafia bucky or peter with noncon and breeding kink? With a side of people hitting on reader

 Wordcount: 2,800

 In all seriousness, you had to consider yourself lucky. Most people in this small city had it worse than you. Most didn’t have their own business, certainly not at your age, and most would never have enough money to even dream about that. Your town had the habit of sucking money out of people faster than they could make it and as of late that was also the case for you.

           After your dad had died unexpectedly in a car crash, money had been tight, really tight. You’d never known how fucking expensive funerals were and his drained all the savings you had, just before you’d managed to scrambled together enough for a community college education in business. Now you were left an orphan in your early twenties running a café on only the knowledge you’d learnt from your dad with no prospects of an education. Now you were as stuck as everybody else in town.

           What made matters even worse was the bill you’d gotten two weeks after the funeral. A bill from the one company in town nobody wanted one from. Rich men running successful businesses on the backs of the honest town’s people by draining their money. The mafia. Sharks in suits.

           According to the bill your dad had borrowed money from them 10 years ago. Your best guess was that he had needed it for your mother’s funeral and had never told you. Be that how it may, you didn’t know how to pay that bill. So you asked for time and put in extra hours, keeping the café open til late at night.

           You hated the extra hours. Not only because you got less sleep and had to work so much more and couldn’t afford to hire more employees but also because the later it got the more aggressively people hit on you.

           You hated them. All those men coming in once the sun set, calling you their sweetheart like you were property and grabbing at you and you having to smile and flirt because you needed their tips. Desperately. And yet it seemed to make no difference. There was just no money to be made in this town.

           Bucky Barnes, the head of the Romanov family had given you two months to come up with the next payment, and you knew that you’d end up dead in a ditch with them ceasing your café if you didn’t make it.

           So you smiled and joked with the moms coming in in the mornings and afternoons and flirted and swayed for their husbands at night. When you were in your little apartment above the café after you finally closed you usually cried yourself to sleep. And all throughout the day you would see him. See Bucky fucking Barnes watching you. At first you thought you were imagining it, but he was driving past your café in way too regular intevals, and would even occasionally take up one of your tables. You always sent other staff to serve him, you couldn’t bare to go to him, but his cold blue eyes never left you.

           Over those two month it became abundantly clear that you would never manage to come up with $2,000. And when one of Bucky’s men came in on the Wednesday before the Friday the payment was due, you thought of the 1,200 bucks you’d managed and wanted to cry.

           You knew the man, you’d gone to school with his younger brother Peter who had been a royal pain in your ass, having provided a glimpse of the harassment by the men you now faced every evening. Still you smiled at him: “Steve, hi, what can I get you?” ignoring that you had already flipped your sign to closed and where moping the floors.

           “Hi y/n, a coffee would be great, if you still got some” Steve answered while inspecting your café like he already owned the place.

           “Sure thing!” You tried to sound chipper, but the strain in you voice was audible, as you went behind the counter and got the machine going.

“Sugar? Milk?” you asked, with your back turned to Steve, hoping to draw out the inevitable.

“Just sugar, thanks.” Steve sounded gruff and distant and you knew you’d lost. He probably already knew that you wouldn’t be able to pay. He had accompanied Bucky a bunch of times, never ordered anything, just watched and listened, as Bucky drank or ate. The men had attracted stares. Not only because they were mafia, but because for personified devils, they sure looked like gods.

As you set his coffee before him he asked: “So what can I tell my boss to expect on Friday?” You stared at Steve in his perfectly tailored suit in harsh contrast to the homey but ultimately grimy café surrounding him as you decided on what to say. He looked amazing, and you hated him for it.

Steve raised an eyebrow at you. He was getting impatient. “I… I have a little over half.” You muttered and looked down at your hands, twisted tightly together. “My daddy’s funeral cost so much money, and I” you were interrupted by Steve’s fist hitting the countertop, making you flinch. His rage was pouring out of him so suddenly, taking over everything else. He seethed: “Safe your excuses, little girl. Just make sure to get the money. Bucky isn’t as lenient as I am.” With that, Steve got up from the bar, drained his coffee in one long gulp and left without giving you the chance to beg. You would have. You would do anything now if it meant saving your life. ‘Lenient’, you thought. How was any of this lenient?

           On Friday morning, you didn’t want to get up, much less open the café, but you did both. You put a notice outside that you would close earlier tonight, so Barnes and his henchmen wouldn’t scare off your customers and then you went to work.

           The entire day felt like molasses. Time didn’t move at all, it left you fidgety and nervous. You screwed up more orders than you were willing to admit and then suddenly time jumped and it was 6 p.m. and the sun was setting and you’d closed the café down, pulled all curtains closed except for the front door and were sitting there, waiting. What for, you didn’t know.

           At 6:30 a black limousine came to a stop before your café and Barnes and Peter got out. Which you decided was a good sign. Surley if they were to kill you, they would’ve brought some muscle, not lanky Peter… Bucky Barnes wouldn’t get his hands dirty with you, would he? Or was that what Peter was for? Did he still have to prove himself in the company?

           As Bucky entered you wished it would just end now. To your sheer horror, Peter stayed outside, blocking the door, leaving you all alone with the man you feared most in this world. He looked just like everytime he’d previously entered your café. His suit fit perfectly and you could see the muscle beneath. He was astonishingly beautiful. If he only were so on the inside as well, you mused.

“Hi sweetheart,” Bucky drawled as he approached you, “Steve told me you don’t have my money.” You shrunk in on yourself, but nodded, as Bucky came to tower over you.

“That’s not good, angel, not at all. Why don’t you come out from behind the counter and we sit down and talk about it, huh?”

All you could do was nod. “What happened? Cat got your tongue?” Bucky teased as he grabbed you by the elbow and led you to a boot in the corner of the café, way out of view from the front door. His touch was startingly kind. You had prepared for pain, but were met with kind support. Your brow furrowed.

“I…” You looked up at him. “I g got $1,300. I know that’s not enough, but”

“Shh.” Bucky murmured and pushed you down onto the bench, took of his suit jacket, hung it carefully over a nearby chair and then caged you in by sitting at your side. You were trapped and you were shaking with fear.

Bucky was so much taller than you and even through his perfectly tailored black dressshirt you could see his muscles bulging. You couldn’t decide weather you wanted to start sobbing into his chest or punch him in the stomach. “Steve already told me all about that, angel, don’t worry, I already came up with a new payment plan.”

“You’re not mad?” you question, to terrified to be hopeful.

“Well, I am not thrilled, but I’ve always had a softspot for this place. My pa used to take me when I was little. I watched you grow up, you know?”

Hope bloomed like desert rose in your heart. He knew you! He had a connection to you! That surely meant he wouldn’t kill you. You’d figure out the money. Suddenly you were certain that you could do it.

“really? That’s – I never knew…” Your voice was fluttering with hope.

“Well, it’s a small town.” Bucky’s voice was calm and soothing. You almost forgot that you were squished between him and the wall.

“And with me seeing you grow up, and seeing all the other women in town I decided that you would give me an heir to take here. To watch people with, so he too could choose his wife. An heir for me and forgiveness for your debt and a happy home life for you.” Your world stopped spinning. It screeched to a halt.

“What? No, Bucky, I…” Bucky wrapped an arm around your shoulders, pulled you close. The arm was tight across you back and stole your words from you as fear spread from every spot he touched throughout your entire body.

“You’re a hard worker, you have a drive for better and higher things. I like that. It’ll make you a diligant mother, you know angel? And that is what I need. A good mother to the boy who will inherit this town, don’t you agree?”

You sit there frozen, unable to reply. Your brain is going a thousand miles an hour trying to find a way, any way, to get away, but before you can do anything Bucky grabs your right hand and presses it to his crotch. He’s hard. The calm demeanour falls off him suddenly as he growls: “Here is how this will go, angel,” he starts to move your hand up and down his crotch, “I will let go of your hand and you will undo my pants and get me ready and then I will have that little pussy of yours on this table. I mean it ain’t romantic, but once you are my little wife I’ll make up for that, sweetheart.”

You swallow hard, press your eyes closed and feel him move his hand over the fine cotton of his suit and his hard length underneath, then you force yourself to nod. It’s a jerking, hurtful motion, but Bucky released you hand, as he leans back on the bench, spreading his legs, opening himself up to you.

You want to thrash out, but instead you shaking hands wander to his belt. “Go on, now. we ain’t got all night, darling.” You are tearing up, but do as you’re told. You lean slightly over him and undo his belt first, then his pants. His cock strains against his boxer briefs and you gulp. Bucky lifts his hips and you push his pants and underwear down.

His cock is beautiful. Long and thick and veined and you can’t help but press your thighs together at the sight. Bucky notices and smirks down at you. “Now that’s a good girl. Keep it up and I make sure you enjoy yourself!” he whispers in your ear as he guides your hands to his dick.

As you jerk him, you realize that you underestimated his size. Your fucked. Literally. There is no way you’re gonna enjoy this. Bucky shoves his left hand up your skirt suddenly and you freeze until he clears his throat and startles you back into action, while his fingers start exloring your sex.

“You know,” Bucky explains, “I find it helps ladies to go down on a guy before actually fucking. Gets them nice and ready, you know?” One of his fingers slides into your tight chanel, “But with you it seems we don’t need that. The sight of my cock alone made you cream. I knew there was something special about you!” He grins and removes his hand. “We might still have to work on your handjob skills though…” he muses, grips your hand and removes it form his dick, as he gets up.

You shrink back but he pulls you out after him. Finally, blessedly, your panic response sets in any you try to struggle, but Bucky’s hold on your arm tightens painfully and his left hand hits you across the face before you even see it coming and it makes your world spin. “Stop it, now!” Bucky barks at you and you freeze. Your feeble attempts forgotten as Bucky lifts you onto the table and rips your panties off. You start sobbing as he bends your right leg to your shoulder and situates himself.

“Sssh,” he cooes at you softly, “I’ll make it better, baby, just one moment.” His suddenly warm voice lulls you into a false sense of security as you stare into his deep blue eyes. They are bewitching you, and you only feel him push in when it’s too late.

He sheethes himself in one agonizingly long stroke. The pain breaks you out of your reverie, you arch your back and groan. It hurts! It hurts so much, and yet you want more, so much more. “Bucky!” you plead, you sob, you whine and once more there it is, the calm voice of the devil now owning your life, rolling in like the tide washing over you, calming you. “I know my sweet pet, I know, just relax now. Just breathe.” And you do. You can’t help yourself.

Bucky lets out a pained moan as you settle around him, and once your clenched eyes flutter back open, once your back comes back down from its painful arch, the god above you starts to move. Every drag and push is better than the last. He hits home every time. His dick lights up a pathway to your pleasure, with every sharp, hard, relentlessy painful thrust, in time with his pubic hair grinding against your clit. A particularly hard thrust shifts his cock so it hits your cervix and you scream with pain and pleasure. Your arms reach up, your hands burying themselves in his thick hair as Bucky leans in closer to you, bending you in half on that table, and nuzzles at your neck as he starts to hammer into you. Every thrust is pure bliss. You want to feel ashamed, you want to push him away, but all you can feel is the drag and glide of his cock, his pelvis against your clit, his tip hitting your cervix. You are on fire and the coil in your core is ready to explode. The intensity of Bucky’s thrusts never wavers, even as you feel him swell even further as his balls draw up and that tiny change breaks you, your orgasm explodes and you cry out in ecstatic pleasure, just as Bucky falters and shoots his cum in thick long strokes into you. His warmth joing yours as he lazily pumps to stop within you.

You only come back to yourself as Bucky pulls out slowly and you can feel your combined, cooling spend trickle down your legs. He eases your leg back down and kisses you softly as you start crying. “Ssh, darling, you’re alright. You’re done. Your debt is paid and you’ll be my wife in no time, the mother to my heir. You did so good, angel!” He coos sweet nothing at you until you can control your crying enough to speak.

“Bucky, I’m not on anything! What if it really takes?” you whimper, emerging from the fantasy he built up in your head.

“That is rather the point!” He snaps harshly. The calm voice gone as quickly as it emerged. You shiver as you realize the extent of what he said before. He really meant it all… Bucky pulls up his pants. “Pack up your things, lovely, tomorrow I’ll pick you up and you are moving in with me, so I can keep an eye on you!” With that Bucky pulls on his suit jacket and heads for the door, as you struggle to sit up, shaking and crying.

At the door Bucky looks back at you, his voice a lot calmer again: “I’m real happy about our new business arrangement as it ensures you will be staying with me, little girl. If only your daddy would have agreed to let me have you, his car wouldn’t have had to end up wrapped around a tree so your little college fund would go away. Sleep tight now, Mama, and I’ll see you tomorrow.”

[6sakusa]

‘broken’ miya atsumu.

a/n : lol i almost cried writing this so enjoy.

warnings : angst, physical violence (slap), mentions of cheating, mild swearing, me not proof reading.

“y/n, i love you and i want to spend the rest of my life by your side, so will you marry me?” you watched your boyfriend of four years get on one knee. he had told you earlier on to dress up nicely as it was a ‘special’ occasion. you assumed the only reason was the fact that the two of you were going to one of the best resturants in the city which would no doubt produce a bank breaking bill. but you were wrong, the occasion was special and you could easily name it as one of the best moments of your life.

it was hard to imagine that anything would be able to overshadow this, the feeling of bliss in your heart as he said those words to you, the sparkle in your eyes as you watched him pull at the ring which he clearly spent a fortune on, the round of applause ringing in the background from the on-lookers who were also dining. perhaps the only thing that would be better than this would be the birth of your first child, or all your children in fact.

you’d always imagined a life with miya atsumu the moment he asked you to be his girlfriend, you knew that he was more of the apartment type, specifically penthouses since his professional volleyball career allowed him a generous pay. you on the other hand had always been a house type, you longed for something big enough to nurture a family in, the two of you had been bickering about this for years since high school since the both of you were so sure that you would end up being his wife.

“yes, yes, yes oh my god of course i’ll marry you.” you squealed in excitement leaping into his arms with the biggest smile you had ever flaunted in your entire life. and those were the words he wanted to hear more than anything because he too had imagined a perfect life with you.. if only he could abide by it.

you rested in his arms, only pulling away to run your fingers over the pricey ring he had bought you. and of course he knew you’d love it when you had it saved to one of your pinterest boards for years.

“congratulations.” an array of customers proclaimed giving in to the celebratory atmosphere. truly, this was everything you could have asked for in life, you had a wonderful fiance, a beautiful place to live, you were thriving in your career and your social life was buzzing, curtesy of many of atsumu’s friends.

“do you like it?” he asked taking your hand to admire how beautiful you looked under the lighting positioned directly under your table. in addition, the stunning dress you had picked for the night was making you anything but resistible. how badly he wanted to tear the fabric off you and pound into you until sunrise was something he was struggling to hide.

“it’s beautiful.” you were mesmerised by the sight of it and your fiancé’s thoughtfulness, there was a love erupting in you that you weren’t even aware it was possible to feel for another person.

“let’s go home and.. celebrate.” he smirked with a smug expression on his face leading you towards the car. you knew exactly what he was thinking and how needy he was getting but tonight especially you would allow him to indulge in his lewd thoughts.

he held the car door open for you, he noted how much you loved this model, in fact it was your favourite one. it was one of the many things he noted about you as he planned to buy all the things you liked. maybe then you would forgive him, right? he hoped so.

he tapped against the steering wheel as the two of you drove down the night streets of tokyo, you assumed it was out of impatience because you were too distracted by your own thoughts to be as observant as usual with your boyfriends emotional state.

“y/n.. i need to tell you something.” he looked out of the window avoiding making eye contact with you as his drumming got louder. you turned to face him, readying yourself for him to make one of his usual silly jokes, or maybe one of his lewd speeches that would often come out when he got particularly riled up by you.

“what is it?” you asked with a light chuckle, the atmosphere of just a few minutes ago still buzzing within you.

“i- there’s no right way to say this but .. a couple months ago i slept with another woman and — i can’t bear the thought of you marrying me without knowing.” his words spilled out, there was barely a space between them and to any one else it would have been completely incoherent.

“what are you talking about ‘tsumu? that’s not funny.” you rolled your eyes with a smile leaning back into the passenger seat feeling the way the car moved on the smooth roads beneath you. there was a brief pause before atsumu decided to speak again, and between those seconds you thought absolutely nothing of his words. how you wish he would have just laughed along and stayed quiet, why? why did he have to tell you?

“i’m being serious.” he clenched his jaw causing you to whip your head in his direction, his eyes were still ahead on the road but he could feel your glare boaring into his skull. he couldn’t bare to face you, no — he didn’t deserve to face you.

“what?” your expression faltered, a new atmosphere dawned between the both of you. one that was a lot thicker — almost suffocating and heavily juxtaposed the one from the resturant. there was a million thoughts going through your mind right now, how was this possible? how did you not notice? how long had this been going on? why was he just telling you now? it was almost impossible to process it all at once with the feeling of your heart pounding out of your chest and your stomach getting ready to reject the food that you had eaten just minutes ago.

“i’m sorry i just, i got carried away that day you know? it was only a one time thing but i—“ his voice was cut off by a harsh slap to his cheek. you watched as the surface of his face turned red, he didn’t bother reprimanding you for getting physical, if he was being honest he expected it from you, actually he expected more. it was almost scary the way you weren’t shouting and screaming at him, the way you weren’t kicking and clawing away at him, it made him feel all the much worse.

you sighed to yourself, your breath was shaky as your heart was shattering in your chest and you hadn’t even noticed that you were crying. maybe it was because you were too occupied realising the way your life had all come crashing down in a matter of moments. your fiancé had cheated on you.. what does that mean for your relationship? would you even call him your fiancé anymore? and what about your home with him? not to mention the friendships you had with an array of his friends. what did this all mean?

“why?” your voice was below a whisper, you could barely muster up the voice to speak, there was a sickening feeling in your chest that you were way too focused on instead of your words.

“it wasn’t you.. it’s never been you, you’re perfect you’re everything i’ve ever wanted, i don’t know why, i’m just an idiot i was so stupid and i’ve regretted it everyday since... but i’m gonna fix it i promise i’ll fix it.” his voice was shaky and uneven, you could tell without looking at him that he was on the verge of tears. but that was nothing compared to what you were feeling. the fact that you had laid next to him for months without knowing that he had bedded another woman. did he touch her the way he did you? did he prefer her to you? was she prettier than you?

“how? how are you going to fix it?” you turned to him, tears staining your mascara and eyeliner, there was no doubt know that you looked like a mess. what you didn’t know is that atsumu still thought you were the prettiest girl in the world but you were too occupied being hit by the crushing realisation that the best moment of your life had just turned into the worst. love had so easily turned to hate and all your time together meant absolutely nothing to you anymore.

“well we’re going to get married right? and you’ve always liked this car right babe? i’ll buy you one. and there’s that house you always wanted, i can put a down payment on it today—“

“no.” you buried your head into your hands at the thought of your next words. four years? what did four years of your life mean now? what did you have left? “we’re not getting married.”

“wha— but you already said yes, come on don’t be like that, don’t you remember it was just a few minutes ago, you were so happy.” he spewed out words frantically, desperate to say something, anything, that would make you stay. he was prepared to sell his soul if it meant keeping you by his side, the only woman he had ever loved, the only one he had ever imagined a future with, the only one he wanted to start a family with, you were his everything.

“that was before you told me that you cheated on me and here you are throwing all these material things at me, a car? really miya? four years together and you’re here treating me like some gold-digging whore after breaking my heart? that’s why you proposed to me isn’t it? you think this ring will make me stay.” you were crying uncontrollably now and nothing atsumu could say to you or offer you would ever make you feel better.

“miya? y/n please i don’t know what else to do i’m trying to be honest with you—“

“pull over.” you interrupted him once again and he had no choice but to oblige. he knew that right now he was in no position to deny your wishes. but this was all temporary.. because you would come around right?

“i don’t understand why you would do this to me.” you bit down on your lip hard enough to draw blood, your head was spinning and it felt like your throat was closing up. you needed to leave, because miya atsumu was now too suffocating for you to be around.

“i know, i know i’m sorry, please y/n i’m so sorry — look i’m getting the house now i still want a future with you.” he tugged on your arm begging you to look at his phone where he was already entering his account details for the place you had been fawning over.

“don’t fucking touch me.” you swatted his hand away. you didn’t want him to be anywhere near you knowing how close he had been with another.

“i’ll give you space if you need it, i’ll give you whatever you want just please — don’t leave me, please don’t.” his hands were shaking now as he tried entering various different numbers into his phone, he didn’t care if he had to buy the entire house now, he’d pay for the whole thing this second if it meant he could walk you down the aisle in a couple months time.

“i don’t need anything from you.. i don’t want this anymore, forget about that house, forget about a family together, forget about marrying me.”

“no no no y/n you’re just angry right now but please don’t say things like that you don’t know how it makes me feel.” he turned to face you and his heart clenched at the tears running down your face. your makeup was smudged and you had pushed yourself to the very edge of the car just to make sure you were as far away from him as possible.

“and what about how i feel huh? did you think about that when you were fucking some other girl wherever the two of you were? you have no idea how i feel, you have no idea..” you brought your hands to your face, concealing your weak figure from his eyes.

“i don’t want this.” you removed the ring from your finger, the same one you had saved to your pinterest board for years, the same one you had imagined atsumu using to propose to you countless times, the same one that had featured in both the best and worst moment of your life.

“y/n please..” his words were stuck in his throat now, he was finally realising that there was nothing he could say — nothing he could do to make you stay. you wouldn’t come around, you respected yourself too highly for that, he would never be able to call you his again. what did his life mean?

“i hate you miya atsumu.” you pushed the door open walking out of his car despite how much he begged you to stay. you didn’t care how he chased you down the road, you didn’t care what he said to you, you didn’t think you would ever care again.. you didn’t have it in you.

and the curse placed upon atsumu? he would never be able to find love again, because he betrayed the only person to stay by his side with unconditional love for years .. there was no one on the planet who loved him the way you did.

[twopoppies]

for your financial advice anon:

so, talking about actual numbers isn’t usually very helpful because how much you can/should save is very dependent on where you live and how much you’re making. ergo, point 1: establishing the *habit* of saving is actually more important than how much you’re saving.

however: as a rule of thumb, it is good to get to a point where you have 3-6 months worth of all your expenses (rent, food, meds, etc) in a savings account. that can seem like a really daunting number! but, it’s a good goal. if that feels too hard, start with one month, and once you’ve achieved that, go for two, etc. this kind of saving gives you the wiggle room and comfort to know that, if something goes wrong, it’s not an immediate disaster - you have some time to handle things.

once you’ve hit your “6 months of all expenses” saving goal, i recommend starting some targeted savings goals - you can create separate accounts for these if it keeps you from touching them, or you can just have them in the same savings account as your other savings, it’s up to you. the ones i have are “emergency”; “travel”; “oh shit the car”; “adoption”; and “house”. i have set goal amounts for each of these, and dump a little into them each month.

emergency is an arbitrary 9k because of the cost of living where i live - it’s meant not so much for income replacement like the original 6 month goal is, but more things like, “giant medical bill” or “giant vet bill” or “we suddenly have to buy a new car” or whatever. this is your Unforeseen Circumstances fund. travel i usually try to keep around 3k, cause that’s a reasonable amount for two people to take a trip somewhere and not have to nickel and dime it. “oh shit the car” is meant to cover registration, any accidents, any unexpected repairs, etc, and i keep that at about 2k. “adoption” has a goal of 27k, because that’s what the lawyer we talked to suggested (we’re also looking into foster to adopt, but that can also cost, and so do babies, so the category is more general than the title suggests); and the house account was for a down payment for our house, but is now just “oh fuck ___ needs fixed” and its goal is to stay around 20k.

now. all of this is very personal! if you don’t want kids, you don’t need a savings account for them. if you don’t have a car, there’s no need to save for car repairs. but once you have that savings cushion, it’s good to sit down with yourself and think both of contingencies (car, travel) and future plans (house, kids, whatever), and then to begin actively designating money for those things.

a helpful thing also is, if you have a set amount you’re contributing each month to each account (let’s say $10 to start, so, $50 a month across 5 categories), then when you’ve hit one goal (ok! my “oh shit the car” account is at 2k!), don’t stop saving that $10! divert it to the next lowest category. so now “adoption”, “emergency”, and “house” are getting $10/mo, but “travel” is getting $20/mo. that means that goal will be met faster, and then i can put $30/mo to the *next* one, etc etc. or you can just bump what you’re putting in all of them if you prefer. the tl;dr is, don’t reduce the amount you’re saving, ever, if you can help it.

ALSO omg start a retirement savings. if you have a job that has an IRA or a 401k, start contributing. the money will come out of your paycheck untaxed, and many employers will do a matching contribution. with this, you want to start saving at whatever the matching level is (for my company, it used to be 3%, now it’s 5%), and then increase that by 1% every year until you’re at at least 10%. if you do it this way, it’s very painless, and you will be very happy about it in 40 years when you can retire and no one else can. if you *don’t* have a job that does this, do it yourself. same deal - start an account and set up an automatic bank transfer for 3% every month that comes out as soon as your paycheck goes in. when it gets to say, 5k, you want to put it in something that will get you good interest, like a mutual fund, and keep contributing but never touching. that money is dead to you for the next 40 years.

i hope this helps!!

This is super helpful and so detailed. Bless you! I think this is helpful for people of any age.

[haru-luo]

[CN Translation] Victor’s S2 Chapters 14-17 R&S <Steerer>(掌舵者)

!Spoiler warning! : The followings contain contents for future chapters of MLQC/Love and Producer. If you do not wish to be spoiled then please refrain from going undercut.

This is the karma that accompanies the following Rumors and Secrets. I suggest you to read S2 Summary(Volume 2:Ch 2-3), a bullet-point summary recently translated by amazing @cheri-translates​ to get more idea on what this “Small Syringe” thing is going on.

The translation is undercut. You have been warned about spoilers.

If you see “--” sign then it simply indicates the beginning of next page.

{STEERER} 

He always knew how to embed each screw in its place.

[Chapter 1]

“Caerus, there is an investigation task for you."

"Target name?"

"MC. She is a newcomer who organized the audit. All the information needed about her is in the attachment."

"Received. When do you want it?"

"Before next Wednesday."

"This task is a bit different. My pay has to increase by 20%"

After that, the dialogue between the two was stagnant for a while before the other side only replied a small word; "okay" --- Duan JunJie put down his phone and was about to continue to look at the acquisition contract in front of him when he was suddenly patted on the shoulder.

The colleague smiled and asked him, "Lawyer Duan, our department is going to have a dinner together on Sunday. Would you like to join us?"

"Ah, sorry, I have plans on the weekend so, I can't join." Duan JunJie shook his head.

The person's face turned a bit upset, "Last time, you also said that something happened and left. Why don't you stay with everyone for once? It's a pity because eating a meal together is also a way of communicating feelings."

"Forget it, I've been in LFG for so long and I've never seen Lawyer Duan participate in any department team building activities!" The female colleague opposite to Duan JunJie smiled and replied, "People would rather offend a high-level staff than work overtime all the time. If you still hope to take his weekend then give up, don't even think about it."

The two female colleagues left while groaning in complaint and Duan JunJie remained silent and quietly observed those around him before continuing to work again.

At six o'clock, he sent the compiled attachments of the acquistion contact to the mailbox of the CEO's office. He was ready to pack his things and get off work when the computer suddenly made a loud noise. -- CEO Li replied about the contract so soon? Although he knows that the person in charge of LFG Group is an extremely efficient boss, the speed is too ridiculous. He clicked on the message and found out that it was an anonymous email with a string of jumbled up characters.

Duan JunJie frowned.

The string of jumbled codes seemed disorderly but he soon discovered that it was an e-mail with two layers of special encryption and the secret key was only available to members of BLACK SWAN. After deciphering the garbled codes, he found that it was a sentence and a "S" symbol with a tick at the end.

'Come to the conference room of BLACK SWAN headquarters.'

Duan JunJie read this sentence silently and raised his eyebrow. The sender did not use the B.S communication channel but used an anonymous IP address to send it. Obviously, it has to bypass the surveillance of some people in the organization.

After the establishment of the B.S board of directors, the original TWELVE members did not easily surrender to the BOSS. They secretly made a few small moves. Although Duan JunJie was just a screw responsible for intelligence because of the nature of the work, someone from TWELVE has tried to lure or tempt him but Duan JunJie refused.

And now...

Duan JunJie looked at this email and realized something vaguely. -- He glanced at the time and now he is leaving to meet the sender of the email. It would be too late by the time he gets home to make cat food for Amo. Although he was mentally prepared, when he opened the door and saw the person sitting on the opposite side of the long table, Duan JunJie still couldn't help but blurt out, "Mr. Li."

The man opposite the long table did not erect against the barrier to cover his face. He wore a suit with a straight back and a calm expression. No different from when was sitting in the office of LFG Building as the CEO. Duan JunJie paused, then changed his words, "Oh, BOSS." -- Victor pushed the document in front of him, "I know that your senior just sent you a task. Push away that task and do this instead."

"Push away..." Duan JunJie accepted the document, "Does this mean I don't have to connect with him again in the future?"

Victor did not speak. And not speaking is his answer.

Duan JunJie adjusted his glasses and scanned the document in his hands. "...When do you want it?"

"Before next Wednesday. Is it possible?"

"It's not that it's impossible but this will take up a lot of my rest time and I see this part of document is just a lead. The things that need to be explored later are much larger than these papers." He emphasized, "This will be a long work, BOSS."

"State your salary expectations."

Duan JunJie seriously considered his mortgage and car goods, "14th salary."

"16 salaries." Victor looked at him directly, "However, you have to get me the information worthy of this value I offer you."

[T/N : Just in case, ‘14th salary’ means the payment of an additional month's salary or a form of compensation ^^]

[Chapter 2]

Duan JunJie's life is very regular. He wakes up at eight in the morning, makes a cat meal for Amo, then takes the subway that arrives at 8:27am, leaves station at 8:47am and walks for five minutes to LFG. Goes to cafeteria to get an egg, two buns and a cup of soy milk. Sometimes he changes to regular milk according to the mood of the day. He makes sure to turn on the computer at nine o'clock and start working.

He was just like a little screw in the LFG Group. As long as he makes sure that he is firm and fits where he should be on time, it’s fine.

It's just a regular life where accidents will occur occasionally, such as today. --- At 8:51am, when Duan JunJie was about to walk to the door of LFG Building, his footsteps suddenly stopped because a hanging leaf was in front of him, staying still for five seconds.

An Evolver has used their ability. Duan JunJie reacted quickly.

He looked around. Cars, Pedestrians and even the giant screen advertisements that were flashing in the distance have stopped. In the silent world, the sound of leather shoes against the ground seemed so clear. --- Duan JunJie saw Victor appear from the other end of the intersection, walking steadily towards the middle of the road, and went straight to the bridge of a car. He leaned down in front of the car and when he got up again, there was a tabby cat in his arms.

When Victor embraced the cat and stepped onto the sidewalk, time began to flow again. The noise reappeared in the city in an instant, the car and the crowd were intertwined again, no one seemed to notice what happened just now.

Victor stepped forward and suddenly, as if he noticed something, he turned his head to look at Duan JunJie not too far away.

"Mr. Li." Duan JunJie greeted him and walked over. --- Victor nodded in response, took the cat to a safe place and put it down. Little cat was shocked and still seemed to be reluctant to give up Victor. It walked back and forth, rubbing on to Victor's hand for a while before turning its head and leaping into the flowers.

Duan JunJie looked at the back of the tabby cat and inexplicably thought of his own Amo. "Its ears are labeled and looks like a neutered cat."

"The cats in this area all have been neutered." Victor replied.

These two sentences are not exactly settling but the atmosphere is relaxed. Duan JunJie continued, "I didn't expect you to be a cat lover too." -- It is known that the cats in this area have been neutered, but the fact that Victor used Evol to save a cat, didn't really fit Duan JunJie's impression of Victor.

"It was just a matter of hand." Victor took off the cat's fur on his cuffs. "It should watch itself, someone can't come to its rescue everytime."

As soon as the voice fell, Victor's always firm eyes turned into a purple mist. Something seemed to have touched his mind and his expression became a little dazed. -- Duan JunJie saw Victor with that kind of expression for the first time but he intuitively felt that he shouldn't ask more. So, he took a step back, "Then I will go in first and the yesterday's document will be sent to you before quarter past ten in the morning."

At 8:57, Duan JunJie arrived at the LFG canteen. Today he bought one less egg because he wants to save time and start work.

[Chapter 3]

Whether as Caerus or Duan Lawyer, he has been very busy this time. LFG's acquisition plan has advanced to a critical stage and the investigation of the "Small Syringe" has also fallen into the bottle.

Even Duan JunJie who has no commercial sense, knows that this kind of medicine that can enhance Evol can create huge benefits that can change the entire world. 

He once suspected that Victor's reason for being particularly concerned about “Small Syringes" was the instinct of capitalists to seek profit but if he really was chasing profits, he should've put this unstable medicine package on the market as soon as possible, instead of letting him investigate the "black hand" behind the shadow of the "Small Syringe Industry."

"Lawyer Duan, we'll head out first then." -- "Alright, bye."

The colleagues picked up their bags and said goodbye to him. When they walked to the door, he could still hear a faint sentence floating over to his ears, "Lawyer Duan is also working overtime. It's really rare..."

The sky gradually darkened and the neon lights of the city outside the floor-to-ceiling windows lit up for the first time in the night. Only Duan JunJie remained in the large office. In the silent environment, no breathing could be heard, only the monotonous keyboard percussion sounds in rugged manner.

-BEEP!

A sharp alarm interrupted Duan JunJie's work. He quickly opened the alarm interface and found that the source of the alarm was Victor's office. --- "The sound pulse from the office is fluctuating abnormally..." Duan JunJie watched the screen as he whispered, "...Someone is eavesdropping?"

It's not surprising that Victor will be exposed by some people. What surprised Duan JunJie is that someone dared to do something in Victor's office. He immediately sent an encrypted signal to Victor, asking the other party to come out of the office immediately. But even after a long time, Victor in the camera remained motionless. Not too long after, he saw a girl pushing to open the door of the office, still holding some documents in her hand.

She is the boss of [Miracle Entertainment or MC's company name], a film and television company invested by LFG and a member of BLACK SWAN, Miss NOX.

".....So that's it. You don't want to stun the snake, huh." --- Seeing this scene, Duan JunJie breathed a sigh of relief. It also reflects that the time for NOX to report on official business is the anti-tracking time given to him by Victor. He has to be worthy of the 16 salary that Victor offered to give him.

An hour later, Duan JunJie stood in front of Victor's office and knocked on the door three times.

"Come in."

Duan JunJie walked in, closed the door carefully and operated the small anti-eavesdropping device in his hand. He fidgeted it a few times and finally installed it on the door. Then he turned around and said straightforwardly, "BOSS, it's done." --- "Speak."

"The source of the eavesdropping was traced to the tea room in Xicheng District. This is the background check of the tea room owner and the personnel he has been in close contact with recently."

*[Note : Searched and found out that Xicheng District is an actual district in Beijing, China i.e popular for dining, restaurants and nightlife.]*

Duan JunJie operated the device a few times on his mobile phone and the corresponding intelligence content popped up on Victor's computer. "A few people had contact with the "Small Syringe". As for the person who installed the eaves dropping device, they have also been found. They are the cleaners who cleaned your office yesterday. According to monitoring and comparison, they are not really from LFG but they disguised as staffs to enter. People have been arranged to go to the town's tea room, they can act at any time." -- "Got it."

Victor's tone was always faint, his expression calm as if he had not experienced such tense eavesdropping crisis one after another or perhaps for this man, he had experienced countless even more dangerous situation that not even Duan JunJie can imagine. More knife-pointed, like the scene of life and death on the front line.

He scanned the page for a few moments, hit the button and said, "Move on to the next stage." -- But the meaning of entering the next stage does not mean that he does not need to care about how those eavesdroppers will be dealt with. Duan JunJie nodded knowingly, "Understood." Victor's gaze flew through the floor-to-ceiling long windows to the far ground, as if he was saying to Duan JunJie or as if he was saying to an invisible opponent, "The line has already been put for long enough." -- Duan JunJie lowered his head, "I will continue to report to you if there is a new situation."

He turned to leave the office but suddenly wrinkled his nose before leaving. A faintly sweet smell was floating on the tip of his nose which he doesn't know where it came from was like the caramel smell he would sense when he would pass the dessert shop downstairs the building.

This kind of sweet smell is not supposed to appear in Victor's office. It might be just an illusion, Duan JunJie thought.

[Chapter 4]

Without even realizing, it was the end of the year again. At this time, the center of the topic among the colleagues will be drawn more and more to the LFG annual meeting.

"Last year, someone in the department next door got paid for a month of paid travel along with wine reported!"

"I want to get a camera. Maybe also with an advanced equipment and so my photography skills will improve..."

"Lawyer Duan, what prize do you want to get?"

"The Sunshine award." Duan JunJie replied.

The atmosphere suddenly became silent. ---- Duan JunJie thinks this topic is meaningless and he doesn't think he has the luck to win a lottery either. Excessive luxurious prizes are often accompanied by huge risks. He is only greedy for peace and stability and does not want to have a life full of too many twists and turns.

It's better to go home and cook an extra meal for the cat when you finally have gotten time.

LFG's annual meeting has always been very lively. In addition to the people from the headquarters, some co-operating companies will also come to socialize. Backed up companies owners such as the boss of [MC's company name], MC will not be absent any year either. --- After the last eavesdropping incident, probably out of affirmation of his work ability, Victor handed him more tasks. As a result, he came into contact with this woman who had an unusual relationship with the BOSS. Although he exchanged the information online, the other party did not know his identity in reality.

He glanced at the energetic girl and then turned away, not planning to say 'hello' to her as LFG's lawyer, Duan JunJie. --- What Duan JunJie didn't expect was that he won the second prize at this annual meeting.

The moment his name appeared on the big screen, his colleagues seemed to be more excited than him. These guys who usually self-evaluate the law elites laughed and made noises while surrounding him and asked him to invite guests to share this joy.

"You are the King of our department this year, Lawyer Duan"

Duan JunJie was so annoyed by them that he simply made an excuse and slipped out of the annual party ahead of time. He had just gotten in the car and was about to start when suddenly two figures flashed in the corner of his eye that shouldn't have been there at this time. --- Victor and NOX walked to the garage side by side and the two seemed to be talking about something. Duan JunJie thought it might not be an official business because the girl's face had a brilliant smile that seemed appropriate to her young age. She carried a bag of vegetables in one hand and the other hand was making gestures from time to time. Victor's eyebrows were still sharp and cold but the corners of his mouth have a slight arc. And if Duan JunJie is right, is this the B.S BOSS carrying a bag of.....cat litter?

It's the same cat litter as Amo.

Duan JunJie raised his eyebrows. He felt as if he had discovered something extraordinary; something he shouldn't have witnessed. --- So, Duan JunJie asked questions unrelated to work for the first time in the work email the next day.

"Why does the poster of LFG annual meeting feature a Siamese cat?"

Victor quickly answered him.

"That is my cat. It is a mascot."

[Chapter 5]

Affected by the LFG's malicious acquisition of pharmaceutical companies from the outside world, recently, the atmosphere in the company is much more sluggish than it used to be. The laughter and gossips are no longer in the lounge, they have become quiet discussions and sighs.

"When I went to get a coffee across the street today, the clerk saw my staff badge and said that he would not accept me as a customer. I was really speechless..."

"Huh, if he didn't accept you then you should've complained to him and not only complain but also wear LFG badge everyday to buy the coffee. It is never a shame to be a LFG employee!"

"That's right!" -- Duan JunJie was stunned and stopped for a while but a colleague in the pantry had already noticed him. "Lawyer Duan!"

Duan JunJie nodded at them and poured the remaining water from the glass into the sink. A female colleague said with a smile, "How is Amo from Lawyer Duan's family?"

"He's okay, just losing weight recently."

"By the way, we recently established a 'LFG cat-lover group'. Does Lawyer Duan want to join?” The female colleague laughed at him and while asking him that.

 "Occasionally, We also see CEO Li's little pudding!"

"Oh, thank you. Let me think about it." --- After bidding farewell to his colleagues, Duan JunJie set off for the BS Building. One or two minutes before, he got a message from the special communication channel of B.S that an emergency meeting was to be held.

Before entering the meeting room, he habitually knocked the door three times and after getting permission from Victor, he finally opened the door and entered.

"The next step of the plan can start."

"I know. I will arrange the needed manpower." --- As usual Victor was ready to withstand his(Duan JunJie's) next actions until a silver-haired man suddenly broke in and interrupted Duan JunJie's bargaining with Victor over the length of overtime work he has to do.

"You two can talk slowly."

Without waiting for the silver-haired man to scan his eyes coldly, Duan JunJie turned around and left the meeting room very wittily. He's only doing what he's supposed to do, not listening to what he shouldn't listen to. This is the work principle he has always believed in. -- Duan JunJie feels that his current life is very good. Both LFG and BLACK SWAN are huge and sophisticated associations, requiring countless "Attorney Duan" and Caerus as screws to maintain their operation.

The man at the helm/steer who directs the operation is Victor.

Screws can get stuck occasionally and can be replaced but Victor cannot make any mistakes, let alone replace him. Once he makes any mistakes, the consequences are bound to be fatal.

Perhaps in terms of risk, following the word "Victor" is already the biggest gamble in Duan JunJie's life. ---- His tokens were all on bet because of this man. He inexplicably believed that Victor could win, not because of the gorgeous numbers in LFG's annual report, nor because B.S continued to grow these glamorous crowns and success under his leadership.

But is the stray cat that was rescued, the brand new "Small Syringe" industry chain and the badge on the chest of his colleagues.....The reason lied in these things.

Duan JunJie turned on his phone and opened the messaging app before starting the next stage of work.

"What was the 'LFG cat-lover group' number again?"

[R&S CLEARED]

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

T/N : Thank you for reading. Do let me know if there are any errors.

But the biggest question still prevails. What was the cat groups number?

[aperrywilliams]

When The World Breaks You (Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader)

(Not my gif!)

Masterlist

———————

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader.

Summary: Reader makes a mistake during a case that triggers a lot of thoughts about a series of stressful events in her recent life. Spencer Reid turns out to be one of them.

Word Count: 6538.

Warnings: Mention to stressful events in relationships. Mention to possible alcohol abuse. Unprotected sex. A lot of curses. Angst. Smut. I promise it’s an ‘optimistic’ end.

A/N: For the Secret Fic Swap. An excellent idea from @dontkissthewriter and organized by @imagining-in-the-margins​.

This fic was written for @safertokiss​. Thanks for reading. Feedback is welcomed!

——————–

We all make mistakes in life. It’s written somewhere. They tell you that since childhood. Everybody knows. But when you have to experience it, things are different: it seems nobody remembers and they throw it in your face every time they can. To err is human. Have they already forgotten it?

It’s true, there are situations where a mistake can be much more costly than others. In this line of work it turns out to be so. One misstep could result in the death of innocent people. In my case it was not like that... but it could have been. Hotch's face of disappointment when he looked at me could have killed me down in the same spot, after he himself shot down the unsub almost by the work and grace of the Holy Spirit. I was wrong. I tried myself to save a little girl from the hands of a psychopath using the most reckless strategy that occurred to me at the time. The girl might have died if Hotch didn’t appeared in the right moment.

It wasn't many minutes before my own teammates started to reproach my recklessness.

"How can you did that (Y/N)? You could have had that girl killed!" shouted Emily.

"You should have waited for reinforcements (Y/N). It was obvious you couldn't handle the unsub" Morgan barked.

"(Y/N), lucky you Hotch showed up at that moment..." JJ hissed.

"Your youthful impetus almost got the worst, (Y/N)..." Rossi mused.

"Tomorrow, first hour of the day, I want your report in my desk (Y/N), and we’ll talk about what happened today" was the last sentence of Hotch.

The only one who didn't say anything was Reid. Although his look of frustration was only comparable to Hotch's. Bent on continuing to torture myself, I walked over to where Spencer was, almost forcing him to speak to me.

“I still haven't heard any ‘comments’ from you about what happened in there. Everyone has already given me their opinion". I snapped with a challenging tone. It was the only thing left for me if I didn't want to cry right there. Reid looked at me but said nothing. “Ah, your punishment for me is the silence. Very original Reid, very original”. I left the place by getting into one of the SUV that would take us back to the jet.

The trip back home was silent. I self-relegated in one of the furthest seats. I looked out the window as the jet's wings touched the clouds. I could feel some compassionate glances from my teammates, but I never made eye contact with them. Nor when we get to the bullpen to collect our things. Nor when I quickly got on the elevator to avoid having to share it with anyone.

When I got to my apartment I just wanted to lie down in my bed. Before reaching my mission, all I did was take off my shoes. I fell slumped on the mattress. Only then did I allow myself to cry. In the solitude of my own place. Place not long ago I shared with another person. Person who decided my job was too demanding and didn’t want to pay the price for my absence. Person who was quickly disappointed in me despite having promised his eternal love in front a civil judge in our wedding. Person I believed loved me unconditionally. To be fair, I forgot that too. My love didn't turn out to be unconditional either.

Love is not unconditional. This is a learning for life my dear friends.

As Hotch requested, I was in his office first hour in the morning with my report from the day before. As he read it, I was standing in front of him with my hands crossed on my stomach and staring blankly at the bookshelf behind Hotch's desk.

"So you agree that it was a reckless decision..." Hotch recited.

"Yes sir. It was. Although the purpose was to save the life of an innocent…”. Hotch interrupted my speech.

“(Y/N), indeed that is the goal of this work, but there are rules too. And if you can't follow the rules, you can't do this job either. I hope you understand that” he stated.

"Yes sir…" was my reply.

“Due to the scope of this case, I cannot leave you without some sanction for your conduct. That is why you’ll be suspended for 2 weeks without payment. I need your badge and your gun”.

I was not surprised by the measure. Although I had a secret hope it would only be a reprimand from Hotch. Hopes are shit. I handed over my gun and my badge. I was about to leave the office when Hotch spoke again.

"(Y/N). I understand you have been through a lot in these months, please try to take these days to rest and clear your head” he suggested.

"Yes sir".

Why was I going to argue with him about it? Was it worth telling him that not even a one-month suspension could be enough to me for clear my head?

I went downstairs to my desk. Again without making eye contact with my co-workers. I grabbed my jacket and purse and walked out of the bullpen into the elevator. Before the doors were closed I heard my name.

"(Y/N), wait!". Reid with one of his arms stopped the door and got on the elevator. I looked at him without saying anything. "Where are you going?".

"I think you know where... and why too". I replied now looking at the elevator floor.

"How long?" He asked.

"Two weeks" I replied dryly.

"Oh, I'm sorry". Reid lamented.

"Don’t be sorry. At least I still have my job. For now…”. I assured with a shrug, barely making eye contact with him.

"Do you need something?..." he offered.

“Don't worry about me Reid. I'll be fine". The elevator had reached the subway, opening its doors. I went out and gave him a little warm smile. He did the same. Then the doors closed with him inside. I started walking to the car to get back to my apartment.

It was strange being in my apartment so early. I’m usually one of those who leaves the BAU almost at dusk. At least that's what I had been doing for the last 4 months, after my divorce. Now I was sitting on my couch thinking about what to do in the next two weeks. No idea came to my head. I knew it would be a long two weeks.

The next day I started doing a deep cleaning of the place. It’s not my apartment has been neglected in these months, but there were many things from "my old life" I still had. I started going through boxes with my ex-husband's things: there were clothes, sporting goods he didn’t take with him, books. I also found photographs. The vast common of them I tore up and throwed into a trash can, however, I stopped at my wedding photos. Smiles were everywhere. Many of the photographs with both of us at the altar, others dancing. There was a photo of us with the BAU team at the party. Memories of that moment quickly came to my mind. Precisely after taking that photograph in particular.

After the photographer captured the moment, my husband gave me a sweet peck on my lips and told me he would go and talk with his family a while. I nodded, meanwhile the BAU girls surrounded me laughing next to me and hugging me for the umpteenth time, happy for me.

I could see Spencer walking away towards one of the corners of the garden. I had seen him act strange a few days ago. But particularly on my wedding day we had hardly spoken a word. Which was strange. Spencer was my best friend, my "partner in crime". That's how it had been since I came to the BAU 4 years ago. Taking advantage of the fact I had a moment of freedom, I approached him. He was sitting on one of the benches in the garden. I sat next to him smiling. He looked at me and gave me a smile too.

"Hey... why are you alone around here?" I asked taking his hand.

"I'm enjoying the fresh air and there is less noise here," he replied.

“I know you are not a friend of loud music. I understand you and I share that. I just must say today has been a roller coaster of things. I'm exhausted”. I confessed but I received no reply.

"Spencer?". He looked at me as if trying to tell me something without words. "What is it? Can you tell me...". After a silence that started to become uncomfortable, he resolved to speak.

"You really love him..." he said. I frowned. I didn't know exactly what he meant.

"Well... if I married him it must be for that, right?". I tried to joke to lighten the mood. But Spencer didn't laugh.

“(Y/N), I’m sorry. I think I should go…”. He got up from the bench and was going to leave me there with more questions than answers.

"Spencer, wait!... you can't leave like this. Please tell me what's wrong..." I pleaded.

Forcing Spencer to speak at that point must have been one of my biggest mistakes in a long time. How often does your best friend confess he has been in love with you for years on your wedding day?

Only in the movies. The difference is that in the movies the bride runs off with the lover, leaving the groom behind and living happily ever after. It was not my case. Spencer was the one who ran off, alone… while I stood on the bench with tears rolling down my cheeks, a confession and millions of doubts that beginning to fill my mind.

Of course I was in love with my husband. Perhaps a somewhat childish love, but we had known each other for so many years that it was difficult for me to imagine myself otherwise than being married to him, having children, a house and a dog. That was my dream since I was 16 years old.

But things change. My life also changed. I studied Forensic Psychology and fell so in love with my major that I wanted to join the FBI to put what I had learned into real practice. This is how I came to the BAU afterwards. A whole world opened before my eyes. I faced the best and the worst of the world. My innocence faded over time. I was much more aware of what was happening around me. And I was happy with that.

I fell in love with my job too. I also bonded with my co-workers. I started spending more time with Emily, JJ and Penelope both on and off work. But what changed me the most was making friends with Spencer Reid. When we met, the first thing I noticed was his shyness. It seemed adorable to me. As we got to know each other I understood many things about his character, just as he understood many things about me as well.

The jet trips, the talks at the local police stations, the theories about the unsubs were made much more bearable thanks to Spencer. At some point I asked myself if our friendship could be something more. I didn't think it was possible. But the doubts came all the times I had a strong argument with my boyfriend. Arguments that sometimes ended with me leaving the apartment we shared and crashing into Spencer's place crying on his shoulder.

I remembered one of those times. It was a strong discussion. Triggered by my prolonged absence thanks to the cases that kept us traveling all over the country. Like the previous times I ended up in Reid's apartment drowning my sorrows in his chest.

"(Y/N)… can I ask you a question?" I just nodded, still sobbing. "Are you sure you love him?... I mean… maybe I said it wrong... I don't have doubts you love him, but do you think this relationship is working for you?..."

“It has worked so far. It's true… we have our ups and downs, but… I don't know… it's just I wish he could understand what my life is really like…"

"And if he doesn't?... how many more chances will you give him (Y/N)?... don't hurt yourself more, please...".

My memory recalls the way he looked at me. At first I thought it was compassion. ‘Poor woman, in love with a man who doesn't understand her.’ But then I thought I saw something else. A plea? I didn't really know what it was.

Without thinking, I let myself be carried away and wrapped my arms around his neck, crashing my lips on his. A simple impulse that ended with me and Reid making out on his couch. And boy I did enjoy it!. And I'm sure he did too. But we were both cowardly enough to admit it.

After that things were strange between us. Until one day I faced him. I needed to know what his true feelings were. The bastard denied it. He said he only wanted me as a friend, that I deserved to be happy with my boyfriend and that ours was just a good friendship.

I let it go. We returned to our dynamic of good friends. Things seemed to take their normal course. My boyfriend proposed to me, the fights between us disappeared. Thus faded the nights when I came crying to Spencer's apartment. I was feeling happy. Excited. Until that moment in my wedding party, in the garden, when Spencer left me with his confession stabbing my chest.

I didn't want to think about that. I had given him a chance to open up earlier. And he didn’t do it. Spencer fucking Reid kept the silent. And I didn't say anything either. Maybe if I had given him a sign. But it was too late. I had to get on with my life. And that's what I did.

A year of happiness. That was how long my marriage lasted. And not because I haven't tried. I really tried. But Reid was right. Sooner or later the opportunities would no longer be enough. Promises weren't sufficient to keep alive the illusion of life as I had dreamed of as a teenager.

*************

I was worried. It had been 4 days since (Y/N) was suspended and no one had heard from her. I asked Prentiss and she only told me she texted her to know how she was doing and (Y/N) replied with a dry ‘fine’.

Besides being worried, I was upset. No one on the team had bothered to visit (Y/N). Months ago it would have been my mission, but given the circumstances maybe it wasn't a good idea. I was annoyed by the idea she was struggling alone with this situation. It was not fair. None of this was fair.

That she couldn't be happy wasn't fair. And that we couldn't be together was my fault. My silence. I lied when I could have told the truth. There is not a day I don’t regret that.

My second mistake was speaking at the wrong time. I couldn't bear it and in a moment of weakness I confessed my feelings to (Y/N). And it was selfish, I know. A chain of bad decisions I tried to bury over time.

And it seemed time was working. She was happy with her husband, or so I thought. While we tried to return to our friendship routine. Perhaps that is another of the biggest lies in the universe: ours would never be the same. Ours will never be the same again. I didn't find out things were going wrong in her marriage until it was all broken. I could notice some things about her behavior, but she was never going to tell me anything about that part of her life, ever again.

On the sixth day of her suspension, my worry began to overwhelm me. This time I wasn’t the only one who was concerned. Emily and JJ tried to contact (Y/N) but she just didn't answer the phone. Even Hotch had left messages on her voicemail to check her status. None had an answer.

I couldn't sit idly by. What if something had happened to her? Sure she wouldn't want to talk to me, but at least I needed to know she was okay. That afternoon I left the BAU heading to her apartment. Upon arrival, I knocked on the door twice. But I got no answer. Maybe she had gone out to buy something. Or maybe something had happened to her and she couldn't open the door. I hesitated what to do for a while. I paced outside her door until anxiety got the better of me. I still had the spare key to her apartment. I knew it wasn't appropriate, but my concern won. I opened the door and launched to inspect the place.

She was not in the apartment. The place was a bit messy, but it wasn't a mess itself. I found many boxes in the living room, some half packed. They didn't seem to be her things, which partly reassured me. For a second I thought she was moving somewhere else. What made me uneasy was seeing several empty liquor bottles on the kitchen counter. That gave me an idea of where she might be at that specific moment.

I quickly reached (Y/N)'s favorite bar scanning through the crowd until I saw her near the bar counter with a group of men surrounding her. I stepped closer and crossed the circle of testosterone that shrouded (Y/N). Seeing me, she raised up her arms to signal my arrival.

“And here is my favorite genius! Dr. Spencer Reid!" (Y/N) chimed obviously drunk. When I managed to get to her side, she threw her arms over me, almost falling from the tabouret where she was sitting next to the bar. I hold her with my arms, restoring some balance to her. As I spoke to the group of predators still looking at (Y/N).

"Well. The show ended here. You can go to the other side of the bar”. I announced to the marauders who, puffing, broke the circle around (Y/N) dispersing.

“You are a killjoy Reid. You always have been”. Despite her condition she knew exactly how to hit me with her words.

"Let's go. I'll take you home" I stated.

When we left the bar, she stopped and didn't want to keep walking.

"Reid... really, what are you doing here?" she asked.

"I came to look for you…" I mumbled.

"You didn't have to... I'm fine, don't you see me? Won-der-ful…" she tried to joke.

"(Y/N)... you're drunk... let me take you home" I insisted.

"Noooo, I don't want to. I'm fine here. Let me…"

"Please come with me". I demanded and grabbed her forearm.

"I don't want to be hurt any more Spencer... leave me alone" she complained.

"I know. But let me help you…"

"You cannot. Nobody can help me. Everyone abandons me and it's my fault...". (Y/N) tried to left my grip.

"Don’t say that. It's not your fault". I hugged her and she stopped struggling but started sobbing into my chest.

We held each other for a moment. The sobs gave way to hiccups. When (Y/N) was calmer, I managed to get her into the car. I drove to her apartment. When I stopped the car, I noticed she had fallen asleep with her head resting on the car window. Carefully, I opened the passenger door and took her in my arms, bridal style. She only let out a groan, but not fully awake. I went upstairs with her to the floor of her apartment, took out the key, opened the door and we went inside.

As gently as I could, I laid her on the bed. I took off her shoes and tucked her with the duvet. Again I heard her sobs.

"Why did it have to be like this?..." she muttered. I didn't know what to answer her.

"It's my fault. I end up ruining everything. I always make mistakes that end up ruining everything…” she cried. I knew it wasn't a good time to talk, but (Y/N) needed to be able to at least sleep in peace.

"No, don’t say that. You better sleep now. Tomorrow we can talk about this".

"You will stay with me?" she asked in a barely audible voice.

"Only if you want me to stay..."

"Please…" she begged.

I took off my shoes and cuddled next to her under the duvet. I wrapped my arms around her body and after a few minutes I felt her breathing much quieter, a sign that she had fallen asleep.

When I woke up next morning, (Y/N) was still sleeping. I knew she would be in that condition for at least a couple of hours, when the light in the room will wake up her and make her feel the hangover in her body. I gently got up and went to the living room. I wondered if it was really wise to stay until she woke up or maybe I should just leave her and go home. I wanted to be able to talk to her, but I wasn't sure if it would be the best time. I laughed at myself after that thought. Is there a better time for us at anything? That didn't exist in our books.

I made myself a coffee and grabbed some of the books from her shelf. I struggled with the urge to explore the things that were inside the boxes scattered around the room. I sat down on the couch and started reading.

A few hours later I heard (Y/N) walking out of the bedroom and into the bathroom, turning on the shower faucets. I got up from the couch and started making coffee again. She was going to need it. I also started making some toast. After a while she came out of the bathroom straight into the bedroom again. A few more minutes passed and she peeked into the kitchen where I was finishing buttering the toast.

"You didn't need to make breakfast..." she remarked, making her presence known. I raised my head to look at her.

"At least you need the coffee..." I suggested as I handed her the mug of coffee.

"It’s true. Thank you". She sat down and after a sip put the coffee on the table.

"How do you feel?"

"The shower helped... but the hangover won't leave me for a good couple of hours," she complained. I put the plate of toast on the table and sat across from her with my own coffee. We fell silent as we drank our coffee and ate our toasts.

When there was no more coffee or toast left, (Y/N) started talking.

"I wanted to apologize for my behavior last night." She mused.

"You don’t have to apologize…". I shook my head.

"Yes. I need to. Although I don't know how you knew I was there, you brought me back safely. Thank you". Her eyes felt into the empty mug.

“It was not a bother to me. I was worried about you (Y/N). In fact, I'm worried about you,” I confessed, looking again at the empty liquor bottles on the kitchen counter. She followed my line of sight and knew exactly what I meant.

“I'm fine Reid… so don't worry. I have accumulated them in all these days. It's not so big deal either" she bragged.

“I don't think you're okay (Y/N). You've avoided calls and messages from the whole team these days…". I stated.

“I just wanted to be peaceful, Reid. As you can see, I’m trying to 'clean up' my life,” (Y/N) assured as she pointed to the boxes scattered around the room.

"You don't have to do that alone..." I implied trying to get into the matter.

"Reid, please… don’t do this. You know I can't let you do this…” she mumbled.

"Why not? Please (Y/N)... why do you want to keep pushing people away from you?".

“Not all people. Only you". Her overabundance of sincerity didn’t surprise me, but at that moment it left me speechless. "Sorry to say it like that, but you can't pretend things are the way they were at the beginning." She was right, but I wasn't ready to lose this fight.

"Will you never forgive me for telling you about my feelings that night at your wedding?" I shouted running one of my hands through my hair.

"Not that. I’ll never forgive you for keeping silent when I asked you what you felt before!" she yelled at me back.

"(Y/N)... I was scared...". I tried to explain.

“I was scared too Reid!... but I had hopes. The hopes you killed at that time," she grumbled taking her head with both hands.

"Do you think it was easy for me?"

"I don’t care. If you had told me maybe I would have cared. I'm not a fucking fortune teller Reid!" She got up from her chair and began pacing the room. We were getting back into this discussion, again.

"I just… I never thought you would do it..." I said defeated.

"What? Get married?... why shouldn't I?". She asked in exasperation.

"Because you didn't love him!!!" I screamed.

"How do you know that? Damn it Reid!"

"Because if you really loved him, you would never have come to my apartment every time you both had an argument! That was never love (Y/N)! It was your dream, but it was never real!"

"What do you know about love?, ah?... are you really going to give me a lecture on something you have no idea? You weren't even able to face me when you made your big reveal. That's not love either Reid"

"Watch your words (Y/N), you have no idea what you're talking about" I warned her.

"Oh no? Enlighten me genius"

I got up quickly from the chair. I took one of her wrists and pulled it towards me. I cupped her cheeks with both hands and bumped my lips to hers. (Y/N) tried to pull away from me for a second, but then she melted into the kiss just like I did at the time. If words weren't enough, I hoped that kiss could help me ‘tell’ her everything I was feeling. When we both run out of air, we pulled away.

“If you didn't always have the compulsion of saying the last word, maybe I would have shown you earlier. But no! Always contradicting (Y/N)! " I muttered panting.

“What the fuck Reid?. Do you think a kiss is enough to silence me?". She pulled away trying to catch her breath and not knowing whether to keep yelling at me or to leave the room.

"No, not with a kiss. I know. Of course it is not enough with you (Y/N). I think I’m just starting with you".

“Where does this dominance come from? Eh Reid? What are you trying to prove?" she asked me defiantly.

"Just shut up (Y/N)... and stop calling me Reid". I protested. How difficult is for this woman to give up in a fight, for God sake!

"Make me... Reid". She challenged me back.

The tension built up over the years seemed to have exploded at that moment. I took her wrists again to attract her to my body, with one of my hands I took her hair and yanked it back to make her look at me.

"Stop it (Y/N). You don't want me to make you" I managed to mutter before collapsing my lips with hers again. This time the kiss was more passionate and extensive. I couldn't keep my hands still, while with one I was still yanking (Y/N)’s hair, the other started to down her back by entangling my fingers in the edge of her shirt. As I put my fingers under the shirt to touch her bare back, I felt a moan from (Y/N). That encouraged me to continue. Releasing my other hand from her hair, I grabbed the other end of her shirt, pulling it, take it off her body and throwing it to the floor. My lips began to search for the sweet spot on her neck that I knew existed and always wanted to explore. When I found it, another groan came from (Y/N)'s mouth. Those moans quickly turned me on. With my hands traveling down her nearly bare back, I paused on the clasp of her bra, pulling it apart and letting it fall to the floor. An exciting sigh left my mouth when I could see her naked half.

(Y/N) looked at me expectantly. Her eyes inviting me to continue, but I started to worry that no words come out of her mouth.

"Is something wrong?... do you want me to stop?"

"What are we doing Spencer...?" she said panting.

“What I think we should have done so long ago. And because of me we couldn't. But if you don't want to, I'll stop”. I assured her as I stroked her cheeks with my knuckles.

"Shit Spencer... I don't want to die without you fucking me once in life at least...". With that she threw herself into my arms and started to unbutton my dress shirt.

"God (Y/N)... you don’t how much I want you." I whispered to her as I dropped my dress shirt to the floor and my hands searched for her bare breasts. My lips and tongue tracing paths on her collarbone. Her arms were around my neck gripping tightly.

“Show me, you fucking coward! Prove you mean it!” she told.

“This time you don’t have to tell me twice…”.

I took her in my arms and carried her into the bedroom, laying her on the mattress, while I undid the clasp on my belt and unbuttoned my pants, letting them fall to the floor. She slipped her sweatpants, exposing her body only in her lace. I laid down next to her, tracing eager paths in her bare skin with my fingers.

"You are so fucking beautiful (Y/N)... you drive me crazy...". I blurted, peppering kisses and sucking one of her nipples. (Y/N) stroked my hair as I keep my mouth attached into her breasts. My hands went down her waist and stopped in her thighs for a while. Then my fingers traveled anxiously across her belly, her hips, and her ass. I looked at her with fire in the eyes and could see how (Y/N) was breathing heavily holding her eyes on me as I slide her panties off, one leg at a time. I put one of her legs over my shoulder and buried my mouth between her legs, nibbling on the skin while I was holding her hip with both hands. (Y/N) couldn't help but arch her back, letting out a deep whine.

"Oh fuck Spencer... shit… please…" she moan not expecting to be coherent in her words. I was decided to go further, so my hands started to slide into her inner thighs. I wanted to explore the depths of her core. Not so gently I put one of my fingers inside her. The moisture I found did nothing but arouse me more. The contact sure caused more stimulation on her and she started to move and buck to feel more depth and friction.

"Please... Spencer... if we are going to do this, I need more...". Her words made me put a second finger. She shuddered on contact again. I couldn't help but bite my lower lip as I looked (Y/N)'s eyes stiff at the sensation running through her body. At the movement of my fingers inside her, (Y/N) was unable to control her own, seeking to deepen the feeling by riding hard on them. I lowering my tongue until reached her folds. I slipped my tongue to catch some of her moisture mixed with my own saliva. A stifled moan from me made (Y/N) tremble at the vibration of my voice running through her body. I put a third finger inside her while my tongue focused on her clit, licking and sucking the exposed nerve.

(Y/N) let out almost a cry bursting with pleasure. I speed up the actions of my fingers and my tongue and I could feel (Y/N) shiver under my touch. I heard her moaning louder as she held on to my hair. I knew she was close to her release because her body trembled at every thrusting of my fingers and slapping of my tongue.

"Oh fuck... I can't... Spencer... please... don't stop... I'm going to cum..." she said frenzy as her nails scratched my shoulders.

"Do it love, cum in my fingers... do it... let me feel how you undone beneath me…" I gasped trying to help her to find her release, while the thrusts of my fingers became more frantic than ever.

"Fuck... Spencer... uhhh, shit!" It was the last she could say before falling hard at her ecstasy. She was trembling completely with her eyes lost on the ceiling. When the spasms stopped, I pulled my fingers out, tasting her arousal in my mouth and looking at her. Her messy hair, the sweat running down her forehead and her eyes full of pleasure. It couldn't have been more pleasing for me.

“I think you need a reward for this so… come here. I need you to fuck me with your cock right now… please…”. (Y/N) demanded still panting.

I just chuckled meanwhile I slipped off my boxers and then placed my hips between her legs lining up my cock at her entrance. My slow entry produced a unison groan in both of us.

"Oh fuck (Y/N)... you're so tight for me..." was the only thing I said before (Y/N) raised her hips without warning to feel me fully in her. A roar tore from my mouth as I grabbed her hips to start moving inside her. The thrusts started slow but intense, accompanied by gasps and sweat. I increased the speed of my thrusts in the next minutes. The desire to feel each other had reached a point of no return for both. The moans mingled with the vocalization of our names only increased arousal in us. I could feel her walls tighten with friction and it drove me madder and louder. She was very close to losing herself in ecstasy. Her body began to tremble, which made me hasten my pace. I put one of my fingers over her clit and traced circular movements on it. The (Y/N)’s moans increased in time and noise.

"Fuck Spencer... Oh yeah, right there. More please… Spencer, harder…”. She exclaimed in ecstasy.

"(Y/N), you feel so good with my cock inside you. Do you like it?, tell me… I want to hear you… use your words…”. I needed to hear her voice.

"Harder Spencer. You are fucking me so good. Please don't stop… I love you. I wanted this so badly… so time ago…”

“This time I'm not going to let you go. Tell me, did he touch you like this?... He kissed you like this?... He fucked you like this?"

"Shit… Spencer, it’s not the time to compare yourself to my ex…" (Y/N) moaned.

“I just want you to realize that I’m better than him. That I have more right to have you than he and any other man. That I’m the only man who could love you like you deserves (Y/N)…"

With those words I could feel how the orgasm hit (Y/N) like a train. She screamed my name one last time before getting lost in her heights. I kept my thrusts knowing I was close. Feeling her walls tighten around my cock was enough for a couple more thrusts and reach my own release. And it was better than I had imagined every time I thought about (Y/N) and what sex with her would be like. God! I could stay like this forever.

Even with our shaky breaths and still inside her I looked (Y/N) directly in the eyes. I needed to know her reaction. I just hoped I didn't find regret in her gaze. That would have been death for me.

She looked at me with a glint in her eyes that I couldn't decipher. Tears? I was terrified. I didn't want to lose (Y/N) again.

"Shit Spencer... where did you learn to fuck like that?" she blurt suddenly. We both started laughing. I assumed it was a rhetorical question, so I only answered with a deep kiss on her lips as I got out of bed in the direction to the bathroom.

I came back with a damp towel to clean up the remains of our recent activities. (Y/N) didn't take her eyes off me but she didn't say a word either. I put the towel on the nightstand and sat on the bed with my back on the backrest.

"Okay, what are you thinking now?" I asked. (Y/N) smiled because she knew exactly that I was going to ask her that question.

“It's just… I find it hard to believe that you really love me. I mean, so much has happened in this time… don't you even have a little doubt going around in your head about this?" she questioned giving me a shy look.

"Not anymore. I had doubts for so long (Y/N), that's why I wasn't able to do anything about it. But I can assure you that there are no more doubts. I love you and I know you love me too. Nonetheless I'm willing to wait for whatever it takes until you're ready. But I’ll never be silent about my feelings for you again. That I can assure you. I promise”. I replied taking her hand and squeezing it gently.

"I'm still broken Spencer...". She remind me pressing her lips together and trying to hold back a sob

“(Y/N). I know and I take full responsibility for that too. But now I don´t care all our past mistakes. I don’t care the past itself. I don’t care if you’re broken now. I want to fix this. I want you. I want to make up to you. I want to make you happy. No matter how long it takes me to accomplish that. I’ll stay by your side. I’ll hold you when you need it, I want to be there when the world breaks you. I’ll fight and support you every time that happens…"

Tears began to roll down her cheeks. (Y/N) hugged me tight and buried her head on my chest. Then she raised her gaze to look at me and speak.

"Love is not unconditional Spencer... you know that…" she murmured.

"Not by default my love, but we can build it to make it work for us.". She smiled at my words and after giving me an intense kiss she spoke again.

“I hope you’re right. I know we can try to make it work. I love you Spencer”.

“I love you too (Y/N). We are going to make it. I promise".

———————

[doodleimprovement]

CSAU :: Moonie Jericho and the Mysterious Case of the Moon-Jumper Mask - Alternate Ending

Or: “The extremely self indulgent 7 page fic were Nell gets to be more helpful and has some actual characterization” 

Yeahhhh this isn’t canon to the fic, but I wanted to write it because I can, at LAST give ya’ll Nell’s backstory for how they came to live in Subcon in the CSAU

Per usual, the “Coffee Shop AU” belongs to the ever wonderful @doodledrawsthings

Also, note: Both MJ and Nell use “they/them” pronouns, with MJ being “He/They” and Nell being “She/They” To keep things from getting too confusing, Nell will be “They” and MJ will be “He” 

Enjoy! 

--

Nell was honestly a bit surprised when MJ came to their home the morning after Halloween, sheepishly stating that the mask seemed ... stuck.

“Really?”

He nodded.

“Huh.. Come on in then. I’ll get some tea going and see about helping you out, hm?”

He walked into their house, taking a moment to actually look about the place- as he didn’t get much of a chance before- and took a seat in their small living room.

The ambiance of the outside followed inside, with the walls painted chestnut brown with warm yet bright pops of color on the windowsill and the various picture frames full of people he didn’t know. The curtain over the wide window was patterned with little pumpkins, which he found cute, and hanging from a few ceiling hooks were what Clover would call “Low-maintenance” plants. The dark colors match well with the room, making it feel a bit comfier than it otherwise might.

The couch he sat on was across from an armchair, and both were colored a warm orange, with an espresso-colored coffee table. On said table were some envelopes and a copy of “Better Homes and Gardens”

Huh, he didn’t peg them as a reader of those types of magazines. Then again, Clover was the one that knew Nell, not him.

They came back with two mugs - one was purple with the “Snatcher” face on it, and the other had a little grumpy ghost on it, with “I’m spooky before my coffee” written above the drawing.

They handed him the Snatcher mug

“Can I ask where you get all of this Snatcher merch?”

“My best friend is an Etsy fiend. Despite him living all the way in Nyakoto, he ships me Snatcher merch whenever he finds something fun. He’s a real character” they chuckled.

“Huh” MJ acknowledged as Nell walked around the coffee table and sat next to him

“Do you feel the mask?”

He nodded, his hand up at the edge, right where he felt it “When I pull, it just… doesn’t move”

“Hm..” they sipped. “When you try to take it off, how does it feel?”

“Like… it’s like a thousand little… things? Pulling at my face, I think?” MJ pulled up their mug and sipped the tea.

“Like… string? Thread?”

MJ nodded. “I think that's the right word, thread”

Nell puts down the mug as MJ takes another sip. “Let me see” they scooted closer to him, and he put his mug down and turned his head.

Their hands seemed to glow green as they raised it “There we go…” They muttered, hand immediately finding the mask’s edge, and seeing what he was talking about “... Huh, the threads… well, that's the right word. They’re… criss-crossed…”

Before he could ask if they could remove them, he felt a slight burning at the edge of his face and jumped

“Ah!”

“Sorry, sorry, but, that did work… Though, it means you might be here a while” they admit “I’ll need you to stay still, okay?”

“Oh.. okay”

It was... Not Okay.

A few minutes into Nell’s attempt at getting the mask off, they let out a huff.

“You can’t keep squirming”

“I- I’m sorry” He muttered “It's just, you know, hard to stay still”

“I understand that, but I don’t want to mess this up. I’d like to see your actual eyes” They muttered.

“I know, it just.. Weird feeling” He tried to explain.

“Moon” They pressed, but sighed “... You seem still enough when I’m talking to you, need a distraction?”

“I mean, I guess…?”

Nell sighed “Hm… How about I tell you how I came to live in Subcon? That’s a long-ass story”

“Oh uh, if you’re okay with sharing!” MJ tried to be polite. He knew that even Clover wasn’t completely sure why Nell came to live in the town, she just knew that “something happened” back at the coast where they were from.

“Nah. It’s been 5 years. That’s more than long enough” The nurse stayed focused on the magic threads, their magic seeming to thrum in his ears- sounding almost like the hum of a fan in the dead heat of summer..

There was a pause, before they took in a breath.

“When I was 19, I took a job in Nyakoto, and left my hometown as fast as the train could take me. I had a scholarship to a little nursing school there, and before my 21st birthday, I’d gotten a nice, decent paying job as an ER nurse for a hospital in the East Side” They started “The hospitals were all interconnected, so I ended up meeting different doctors and nurses while I worked, and sometimes was called to assist in other hospitals.

“I was.. 25, when I met him” They recalled, something in their voice seeming heavy. “We’ll call him Chris

“He was in residency at a hospital down in the Wesservale neighborhood. We met at a medical appreciation gala… He had something about him I couldn't place. . . A charisma, almost. A kindness. He seemed so eager for the future, so excited for what the next day might bring him. I’d never been like that. His optimism drew me in.

“We started dating the year after. Like with most relationships, everything seemed great. He was funny, kind, thoughtful, all of that stuff. He even went with me to pride stuff, which was pretty cool at the time.”

“Pride?” MJ chimed in. Nell couldn’t hide a chuckle.

“Yes. You’ve heard of the Nyakoto Annual Pride Bonanza, haven’t you? One of the biggest in the country”

“I have, yes”

“Good. Back to the story” Nell redirected “When I was 27, about a year and a half into the relationship, I realized, quite unhappily, that we weren’t actually very different, and didn’t really get along as well as we thought.. It's not that we argued, but.. We didn’t really… talk. I never spoke to him about my problems, I didn’t feel like I could, and that really made me realize that we weren’t actually all that comfortable around each other. So, when he came over to my place that night for dinner, I spoke to him, and tried to tell him that we weren’t compatible, and that I thought perhaps we’d be better off as friends.

“He convinced me that we just needed work, going on and on about all these plans he had for us. Trips, dates, things to look forward to, always looking toward the future, Chris did”

Nell paused again

“.. I really should have noticed how little he cared about happiness in the present.” They commented “Not a traditional red flag, but it was a warning nonetheless”

“Well, I mean, that’s not so bad”

“In a way, no” Nell replied “But when you think about the future so much, you forget the present, you forget to live, and your past just.. Ends up a horrible haze. Even the happy stuff is hard to recall”

MJ hadn’t thought of it like that

“But hindsight is 2020, and in the moment, I believed him. I wanted to believe those bright dreams of the future, and I let go of the fact that I did not even like to talk to him very much.

“... I tried to break up with him 4 more times in the 8 years we were together.”

Okay, MJ hadn’t been expecting that much time passing.

“By the time I was 34, we were living together, but barely seeing each other. From the outside it must have seemed perfect to everyone else. I think only Daph knew about my.. Issues, with Chris. I still never talked to him about anything that wasn’t the future, or how the day was, or.. Just, absolute nonsense.

“One night, after one more attempt to break up, I’d gone to bed defeated, and woke up at 3 in the morning while he was on the night shift in Wesservale.. I came to this… realization

“If I didn’t leave right then and there, I’d marry him…. and I’d …. I’d be stuck. He’d have me, and I’d be stuck for the rest of my life..

“So I grabbed everything I had in the apartment, sent a resignation email to the East side hospital I still worked at, left him a note telling him I was leaving, took my car and just… started driving”

“.. Did he call you?”

“I blocked his number.” They answered curtly. “Drove for days until I came across Subcon.”

MJ didn’t comment.

“I stayed at the Alpine Motel for a few nights, and when I was at the diner, overheard that there was an open position for the school nurse at the elementary” They continued. “I applied for it, and 3 months later cashed in my savings to put a down payment on this little place” They made a motion with their hand briefly “The rest is history”

“Well… If it's any consolation, I think that's a good reason to get out of the city”

Nell couldn’t hold back a laugh. There was something a little… sad, in it, but the laugh was genuine.

“Yeah, then again, every reason is a good one to get out of the city” They commented, and MJ had only just realized that their hands were now on the other side of his face. Nell worked quickly, it seemed. “Hm.. okay. On the count of three, I'm going to try to take it off, alright?”

“Oh, uh, wow, okay!” He replied eagerly, closing his eyes.

“One…” They slowly started, both hands on either side, their nails right at the edge of the mask.

“Three!”

MJ startled as Nell pulled, and a cold, sharp feeling spread over his body before it abruptly ended. When he opened his eyes. He looked at Nell, who had, in their hands, that damned mask.

His hands went up to his face, and he let out a relieved laugh as he felt his skin, glasses and hair “hah! Hahah! I’m human again! No more magic!” He raised his hands and leaned back on the couch “Sweet relief”

Nell let out a chuckle, putting the mask down gently “Finish your tea, I’m gonna grab you a damp towel. You have… paint? On your face”

His brow was furrowed, but he reached for the still-warm mug anyway as Nell got up and went down a short hallway.

He took the few moments that Nell was done to think over the story he’d been told, the exhaustion in the nurse’s voice as she told it. Was he really the first one to learn? It gave him a weird feeling right in his chest.

When Nell returned, she offered a small, damp towel… that had the “Snatcher” smile on it

“... How many of these do you have?” He almost laughed again, and they just answered with an amused smile and grabbed their own coffee cup.

MJ cleaned his face, seeing a candy-red color coming off on the purple towel. “Hm..”

“What?”

“Well uh, the color looks like the magic strings I was able to summon”

Nell Blinked “... Well uh, bring that up with Tim when he’s back in town. That’s a little out of my wheelhouse”

“Noted”

The two fell into silence, sipping their warm drinks and giving them some time to unwind

“Will you need a ride home?” they asked him, putting their mug down.

He hadn’t actually thought of that.

“Oh, uh, it’s fine”

They raised an eyebrow at him

“You live 20 minutes away and Luka isn’t here to … fly you home, per se” They laid out “I’ve got a car, I’ll drive you home”

He turned a little red to the ears “Oh.. Thank you”

“No problem, Moon” They smiled back at him. “I’m going to change real quick, then we’ll leave”

And with that, they left back into the short hallway, to what Moon assumed was their bedroom.

Nell returned a few minutes later, dressed in a loose blouse and skirt that went down to their ankles, a far cry from the tank top and sweatpants that he’d seen them in before. He supposed that it was more so not wanting to go out in Pajamas than anything else. She picked up the mask, wrapping it in a handkerchief before holding it out to him

“It’s chosen you. You have to keep it”

He just nodded, and gingerly took the troublesome thing into his hands.

The two got in their truck (Nell owned a truck??) and drove into town.

MJ took in a breath as they turned onto a main street, passing The Horizon. “So uh, Nell..”

“Hm?”

“About your uh, the story you told me.. I won’t tell anyone”

“I don’t mind if you do” they answered, eyes on the road

“What, really?”

“Like I said before. Five years feels long enough”

MJ’s brow furrowed “I’m still not going to say anything.. That’s a personal story. It’s not mine to tell”

Nell glanced over at him with an unreadable expression, before moving to turn on the radio. Lo-fi started, and it seemed they were right in the middle of a Billie Eilish song.

“.. Thank you” They ended up responding as the song picked up

”I know supposedly I'm lonely now.

Know I’m supposed to be unhappy without someone.

But aren’t I someone?” 

MJ didn’t say much of anything else once until they got to his apartment building

“Thank you, Nell. For everything”

“Don’t mention it” They gave him a small, but sincere smile “Get some rest, hm? The bags under your eyes are aging you”

MJ just laughed “I will. Don’t be a stranger, Mx. Buonacci”

The nurse gave him a lazy salute with a soft smile, before the window rolled up, and they drove off

Exhaling, he looked down at the covered mask, wrapped in a…. Snatcher-patterned handkerchief.

He couldn’t help but laugh.