#i also just think it's a cop out in a way the weird direction ppl go with it like it's NOT complex to them which is crazy it's the most

[akajustmerry]

I'm new to the walking dead and was wondering if you would elaborate on the backlash to richonne you mentioned in the tags of your post?

hiiiiii sure! honestly, it was just racism. I wasn't so deep in the fandom, but I saw the "discourse" through callout posts from the general twd blogs I followed at the time. it's weird to explain, I feel like elrond in LOTR like, "I was there...."

okay so, the walking dead for a very long time was just a show about mostly white people surviving the apocalypse, and was very conservative in a lot of ways because of that. so the audience for the walking dead included a bunch of white people who were very racist and sexist because the show, especially in its early days did not encourage a vision of an inclusive apocalypse. that came a little later though, thankfully.

anyway, a lot of those people hated michonne from the JUMP. if memory serves she was basically the first woman of colour in the show and she was an intelligent, savvy, beautiful dark skinned Black woman. so racist fans hated her just for existing. Michonne was also kinda a mystery for a good long while, which racists also took as a cue to assume she was evil.

Michonne and rick first met a few episodes after rick's white and shitty wife lori (who nobody liked ftr) died. I mention this because about a season later when rick and michonne start getting along (not even romantically just like quite literally start being friends), racist misogynoir weirdos started claiming all kinds of horseshit like michonne was plotting against rick, or rick not liking Black people cos he used to be a cop, ppl even claimed that LORI fucking LORI was actually the love of rick's life lmao. this shit went on for YEARS before rick and michonne even got together.

When they finally did in SEASON 6, 3 whole seasons after they'd met and Lori dying, etc. there were people with saying unironically that their romance didn't make sense, came out of nowhere, wasn't "real" - you know, all the shit racists say when they don't wanna be direct. It wasn't backlash so much as just the usual low hum of racism that exists in any fandom for a thing that's about a white man.

I've always just followed very general blogs or my friends so I steered clear of it mostly. but as a fan of colour, racism in fandom is impossible to avoid and you're so used to it being in media too. I rmr being shocked when rick and michonne did get together not because I didn't want them to but because I was so used to racist TV shows where interracial love stories just didn't really happen and if they did they were so shit. I think that's why I love them so much because they're so lovely despite literally all the odds!!!

[donnerpartyofone]

anon here who feels a great kindred spirit with you, maybe one day i'll have the guts to message not anonymously but frankly i really admire you and also struggle with the mortification of putting myself out there directly it may be one day but not today. ANYways. just saw your post re: the knee-jerk reaction of ppl to say something like "no! everyone is special (or beautiful/smart/talented/etc.) in their own way!" when you or i tries to acknowledge something that is real to us and that affects our day to day life. ive touched on stupidity before bcuz that is something that you've articulated better than i ever could but you were talking in that post a little more specifically abt physical beauty and i do think theres something to be said there for usamerican individualism. bcuz ive heard a lot that other countries/cultures find our particular brand of individualism to be weird to say the least. and i have, for most of my life (and this is true now), had a body that has been perceived as very desirable (eg. skinny, but still have tits and an ass, proportionally "good", etc.) but my face i have always known does not live up to beauty standards. bcuz of this, ppl closer have had a hard time understanding why i struggle so much with self esteem related to my looks and have often jumped to "but youre so pretty!" when i try to talk abt it. the outside of this is that i look like a child in the face and am often mistaken for a child even at 28. when i was an actual child, read: 18 and under, i received a LOT of attention from men, often men who were old enough to be my father. now that i am not a child that attention has waned, even though i've put on a little weight and my body is frankly more rocking than ever. BUT my face stays unchanged and i think i have so of an uncanny valley effect on ppl now. im bringing all this up bcuz this is another piece of kinship i feel with you: even before i started really paying attention to your posts discussing things, i really admired your selfies bcuz you and i actually look pretty similar, we have the same texture of hair and a similar face. but i have always felt that, from your pictures, you seem much more "in control" of your look than i do. i love your sense of style and i love how you do your brows so dark and dramatic but also seem to wear (as far as i can tell; im not much for makeup so correct me if im wrong) relatively little makeup otherwise. regardless of how you look, you project an image (as always, i know i can only know you parasocially so take this as much or as little as you want to) of someone who knows how they look and how they want to present themselves. i personally keep my head buzzed most of the time, and when i first started doing it, i did it bcuz it meant that no one had any excuse anymore. they had to look at my face and acknowledge my whole bare face with no distractions. it was a way of directing how i was perceived. now i dont know if thats what your brows are to you but ive always thought "wow, the dramatic brow is such a masterful use of makeup and direction". ive always seen the way you present yourself as seeming thoughtfully and well curated, and ive hoped for myself that i could someday present that way. as you can tell, i really admire you lol. hope im not being weird. im not really sure what my point is here but once again you articulated something well that i only have ruminated on abstractly.

i've also been thinking of you bcuz recently i ran up against the old "im too stupid to do this normal thing and now it may badly affect my life" situation: tried to put my tabs on my car and bcuz they were taped to the paper, they just broke into pieces on the tape when i tried to peel them away. so i just panicked and badly pieced them onto my license plate in a way im sure will seem infinitely more suspicious should a cop notice and decide to pull me over. my husband tells me tabs are supposed to do this as an anti theft measure, this is information i somehow missed in my 28 years of life and 12 years of being a legal driver. and if i get pulled over im not honestly sure i know where all my necessary paperwork is and will undoubtedly start shaking from anxiety which also looks suspicious when i try to hand a cop my id and my hand is shaking like a leaf. and i havent been pulled over yet but now every time i drive my car im going to be thinking abt it. god willing the distraction of fear of the unknown wont lead me to crashing my car but thatd be just the thing id do too. just wanted to share bcuz i think youre probably the only person who understands how it feels and bcuz hey, i want you to know youre not the only one out there muddling through life as a series of actions and unforeseen consequences, no matter how foreseen those consequences "shouldve been".

sorry for this long and rambling message. i have no two-ipas excuse this time as its morning here and im stone cold sober (the ipas were the voodoo juice ranger by the way) but you just make me think a lot, and again, i admire you very much. thanks as always and i hope that today is, if not easier on you, at least tolerable in terms of its challenges.

Dearest field correspondent, I wish I had a more thoughtful, interesting response to your kind message, but unfortunately you may receive instead le big rant. I am very low self-control lately and you're all going to have to pay for it! I'm thinking about my 85 year old father-in-law who is still razor sharp and full of energy, and so he is vividly aware of the nearness of death and very anxious about it. At his birthday dinner he started preaching to my husband and me about how you just have to live every minute you've been given to its fullest, and I often think about how he's right and he's wrong at the same time. Like it's patently correct that you should treasure whatever life you're allowed, but I think it would take a mental giant to really do that unless you're just basically a terrific person with few problems. If your personal chemistry makes you feel bad all the time due to circumstances or past trauma or plain old bad wiring, it's really hard to just consciously choose to feel good and be filled with gratitude and slurp all the delicious marrow out of your day. And what if your days don't have that much marrow to begin with? Of course if the Christmas ghosts came and snatched you up and confronted you with the preciousness of the life you are squandering, that you can still redeem if you try, that would change your tune, but it's hard to get that same kind of life-changing effect by just intellectually acknowledging the value of yourself and your time on earth.

(I'm gonna put a break here so I don't eat up everybody's dash, brb)

I was thinking about this, in a way, because somebody just asked me for a head shot for this project I'm on, so I was going through selfies to see if I had anything appropriate, and man was that depressing. Of course Tumblr was serving a jumble of new and old pictures, but some of them looked really good, even recent ones. And I know I wasn't enjoying myself at the time that I took them, any of them. I was just struggling to feel good about myself out of some perverse sense of obligation. I've always had the urge to express something with my appearance, to build up some kind of power and efficacy around what I could do with it, but I never felt anything like that happening. I mean for every selfie that was good enough to post, there are at least 100 I had to throw out that were ugly and embarrassing and more like "the real me". And I know just from living my life that I'm not attractive, my entire social experience does not reflect that of an attractive woman; even among the guys I dated, it's hard to weigh the two who actually liked me against the majority who were just indiscriminately looking for some pathetic specimen to torture and humiliate in order to feel good about themselves.

(And I guess this is TMI but who really cares, I'm sure no one is even reading this, but the irony is that I'm really great in bed. It's a fact. I just love sex and I'm not at all embarrassed about it and I have a knack for getting people comfortable really letting loose and getting to do what they truly want. I know this for sure not only from being in the room, but from detailed postscript testimonials from partners--even the ones who secretly hated me. And naturally that makes me feel pretty good, but it feels incomplete somehow, without the sense of control of my own appearance, without a satisfying relationship to my own body which disgusts me and is constantly causing me unmanageable problems both aesthetic and medical. Like I really want to just crumple it up and throw it in the trash, who fucking cares)

But I see some of those (highly staged, illusory, pain-in-the-ass to shoot) selfies and for a second I'm forced to wonder why that person had to feel so bad about and not have any fun at all, every single day. And now it's extra hard because as I might have said, I've had rosacea for around 15 years, and most of the time it was just a fairly manageable if embarrassing redness, but ever since I took the asthma medication Symbicort for a month this summer, the condition has been progressively deforming. I don't even look the same as I did this fall, and I have no reason to believe things will get better or even level out. Like, this is it. I feel like I don't even have the same skull shape as the girl in these cute pictures from September. I'm stressing myself out wondering about all kinds of procedures I can barely pay for, that could potentially make it worse actually. I'm wondering if I need to quit my public-facing volunteer gig, one of the only things that gives my life meaning, because I'm sick of how red and bloated and wet I look in every single livestream, and I don't like it when I'm occasionally accused of being drunk or I'm randomly told to "calm down" because I looked like I'm panicking even when I'm not. I don't know what to do. I wish I didn't care. But it's tough to look back at old pictures, even just from six months ago, and think Damn I didn't know how much worse things were about to get, I should have live-laugh-loved through every grueling moment of my luxurious mediocrity while I still had it to enjoy!

--On that note there's a certain curse of women who are like, not ugly enough for it to feel like a hopeless case, but who also don't actually have much potential to do anything satisfying with themselves. If you absolutely know that beauty isn't an open road for you, you can choose not to waste energy on that and you can focus on any number of other things that can make your life happy and meaningful; but if you have that nagging suspicion that maybe you COULD be finding exciting ways to express yourself through your looks, then you're dogged by this feeling of dissatisfaction and constantly wondering if it would be better if you just threw in the towel and called yourself ugly so you could stop thinking about it, or if that would be wasteful because maybe something nice would happen if you just made more of an effort, maybe there's still time, maybe you need the right haircut, maybe you need to shake up your wardrobe, maybe you need to learn that advanced hygiene routine that you always found too confusing to master, maybe you just need to get in shape, maybe et al ad nauseum. It would be better not to have to wonder about it all. And of course there's social pressure to maintain ambiguity, especially for women: You're supposed to work really hard to be hot, but you're supposed to act like it's all effortless and also like you have no idea how attractive you are. But you can't be unrealistically humble or people will hate you for that, too--they'll hate you for being dishonest, or they'll give you shit about your apparent self-esteem issues, because somehow that is always everybody's business. You can't win!

You're right that I don't wear much makeup, I really never learned; I never had a mom who was interested in me or the kinds of female friends who help you learn all the pageantry. I wore some makeup for a little while at the end of my 20s because I had to go to my fancy brother's wedding and I was embarrassed about looking raw and dowdy forever in his fancy wedding photos, so I forced myself to learn a few things. But basically I don't want to be bothered, and I enjoy the Joan Crawford brow I do, but that's utilitarian also--if I'm not paying attention I'll rip all the eyebrow hairs out of my face, which is extra embarrassing if it happens in the middle of a work day or something. So now the pencil is essential! And since my face started turning red I usually use some primer and foundation that I really like, although there is very little that keeps my head from looking like a big swollen clown nose, from now on. (All of my minimal supplies are from Make Up For Ever btw, expensive but long-lasting and reliable)

Unrelated but I'm really pissed off that I can't drink anymore, because now it brings on this violent painful flushing, and every time that happens it causes progressive destruction and like, basically every day is worse than the last--which is true anyway about aging, but it's escalated for me. But like, I have severe depression and anxiety and I can't be on any mood medications because they make my tinnitus intolerable, so the only thing I could reliably do for myself was have a little alcohol. Like just half a can of beer would get me through so many tough chores and bouts of mindless fear. And I love wine, I love amari, I love whiskeys, I love esoteric cocktail nonsense, I have a ton of friends from the craft beer world, and now basically there are entire art forms that I can't enjoy anymore, like ever again. And you can bet this is going to affect my relationships. I know people will want to say that's bullshit, quitting drinking is practically always a good thing and your "real friends" will stick with you sober...but that's all pretty hyperbolic. I don't want my life to be winnowed down to only the purest stuff. I don't want this cornerstone of my social and cultural life to be ripped out from under me. I never even developed any bad behaviors to deserve this! And god knows I don't want to have absolutely zero options for calming my nerves. Therapy and yoga and meditation have done nothing for me psychiatrically. I'm just fucked, really, in the dreariest most mundane way possible.

I wouldn't be so hung up on getting drunk and looking pretty if I had some other source of meaning, but it's hard to find that essential driving force when you can't even get through the day's chores like a normal person. I'm on like day 5 of trying to fold my clothes or even just shove them into bags, and I live in terror of the avalanche that is going to happen when one of us needs to get out the bed sheets that I "put away" dangerously in the closet, despite multiple attempts to do it right. I don't drive so you're ahead of me on some level! But I'm 100% positive I wouldn't have understood all that stuff about the tabs, haha. This week I'm seeing my GP and I'm going to ask for a psych referral for evaluations for autism and ADHD. I'm scared that I'm opening myself up to being officially diagnosed as just lazy and negative and then everyone will get to tell me I Told You So about how my only issue is my poor attitude, but I'm sure there's something going on with me, and if it's ADD and god forbid I can get a little medication of some kind that allows me to like wash dishes and do laundry like a normal person without making everything exponentially worse...then, you know, that would be a really big deal. It seems to me that a lot of people are depressed because of some unfulfilled dream they had of being really sexy and cool and talented, or some other superlative--and we usamericans do experience a lot of irrational cultural pressure to be Awesome at something, I'm not looking down on people who suffer from this--but all I want is to like, get on the bus successfully. To not humiliate myself every single time I go to ship a package because I just can't figure out what's going on, yet again. To not be having constant wardrobe malfunctions. To vacuum my house without just mysteriously pushing dirt and hair around into different configurations. To cook a nice simple meal I don't destroy. To have a job again. These are my most treasured fantasies. Maybe if we both put pressure on "the Universe" to "manifest" our dreams this year, then we can have a great 2024!

[jovenshires]

i personally feel like if you're writing rpf you've gotta be prepared that the people you're writing about do have internet access and aren't clueless y'know? like. i understand not wanting them to see it and for their sake id hope they wouldn't either but no one is entitled to write about a real person and then demand that real person can't access something that is literally About Them. like. just bc they're "famous" doesn't make them public domain yknow.

now i do find those youtubers read fanfic videos kinda cringe personally too bc i mean they always have to choose bad or funny ones otherwise itd be 10h long and awkward. but yeah im also like. those people chose to write and upload those somewhere on a public forum that the people they're writing about Do have access to. i feel like that just comes with the territory in rpf. they aren't fictional and they can in fact read those. if you don't want them to it should be shared somewhere very personal imo.

but yeah obviously since the majority of the fics that do get picked for those vids are probably written by teenagers i do feel kinda bad for them for that but i feel like thats a hard lesson in that those people are in fact real and can see it. i never rly enjoy the content where ppl read fanfics about themselves tho for this reason. but if this is going to be submitted ones i think that might be funny and definitely a better way to go about this on their part. i still dread it tho and will probably cringe out of my skin (also i wonder who that video will include...)

i do agree with you. i put a warning before all my fics in the hopes that they won't read it, but as my dear friend mer always says, i'm not a cop. i can't control what you do. and i joke that i want spencer agnew to block me but it's just that - a joke (well, a half-joke). if they're seeking this out, that's on them at that point. they are grownups; they know how the internet works and they know how to avoid things and how to search them out. i can't even really be pissed if they put my work in a video, bc hey, it's out there (even if i would rather they didn't look in my general direction). but at the same time, i will say this:

i am making these things about smosh members, but they're certainly not for smosh members. they can read them if they wish or use them if they wish (like i said i literally cant do anything to stop them bc, you're right, we do publish these things publically) but they're not made for them. so when they read them and they're like "oh, that's weird, who would write something like that," well. it wasn't intended for them to read in the first place. and now they've gone and alienated a bunch of people who looked up to them. people who watched their content and were inspired to create something. it's kind of hard to stomach when they're mocking a portion of their fanbase - and not only are they mocking them, but they're making them a butt of the joke for other portions of their fan base. they uplift fan artists and video editors, but fic authors for some reason are always looked down upon. i think there's a difference between acknowledging it exists / talking about it and directly making content to target it you know.

i don't know if there's a "lesson" to be learned from all this. i don't personally think those teens who were writing that fanfiction deserve to be ridiculed for it. i think they'd found a way to express themselves and that's great. i personally hadn't written for months when i started writing smosh fic again, and writing is truly one of my biggest passions in life. the smosh cast, who i'm incredibly grateful for, led me back to it. but i digress; maybe i'm just naive.

i'll also add: i'm not saying, like, fuck the smosh cast for this btw. like i do agree it is their right to look at things on the internet made about them and use it for content. they're even allowed to make fun of it. i'm sure to some people it is weird to read stuff like that about yourself, they're allowed to say that and have that opinion. so go ham, make this kind of video all you want. im just saying it's kind of a dick move and i personally am not a fan of it. but im not gonna stop watching smosh over it or anything and i don't think the cast is worse people for it. i just dislike this kind of video. i dislike a lot of videos - i don't enjoy the tntl trivial pursuit videos and the fortnite videos either. this doesn't make me any less of a fan of theirs, just an opinionated fan.

anyway, like i said, i'm glad it's submitted fics - truly, i'm thrilled. it's still not for me (like i said i already have a hard enough time watching smosh pit theater........ i simply cant do this) but i think it's fine and a good way to go about it!! i hope the video is, for everyone who enjoys this kind of thing, a good video. as for whos gonna be in it - could be anybody at this point (ive read so many pairings yall have no idea) but im so certain i/anthony is gonna be there.

tldr: i do agree, but i also think the renditions of this they've done in the past have mocked fic writers for no good reason. if you want to watch the video i hope you enjoy, and i'm glad they're using submitted fics this time ! <3

[hellsbellschime]

I agree with you over the previous anon. I haven't watched his previous tv shows but i saw him in a zombie apocalypse movie and he scared me in that eventhough he was the good guy there. He seems like a good actor.

I dont get it how ppl saw how daemon went on a rampage in kingslanding in the first episode and think he is a good guy . That guy looked deranged and scary to me. (Like cops drunk on power, with no checks on hey the ones we are hurting did they actually do whatever we think they did?)

Also I've seen a bunch of ppl say matt smith delivered the heir for a day super sadly and they cut it, but that actually is who he is (daemon is a terrible person even to his family). I'm wondering is an actor allowed to change the tone of the scene say from mocking to sad?(obviously they cut it but still seems weird he didn't follow it)

LOL I love the interpretation of Daemon as a dirty cop because it feels so apropos but also so weird. His behavior towards young Rhaenyra was what really made him a creep to me, so in that sense I guess it is comprehensible because a lot of people straight ship them AKA are not going to be weirded out by whole ass adult Matt Smith creeping on his far younger niece. And it could definitely be true that Matt Smith delivered the line in different ways, that is pretty standard for a lot of actors/scenes so the editors have a variety of shit to choose from when editing, but that doesn't mean that it was "supposed" to be that way it just means that the showrunners wanted to have options when the episode got to the editing stage/they wouldn't have to reshoot anything if they decided to take things in a different direction.

[unethicalexperiments]

SOOOOO this post has been in my drafts since i watched it, so i think dec 18-19-ish? and has been (mostly) unedited since so these are still my immediate reactions.

okkkkk actual archer post now. spoilers for the entire show and into the cold under the cut

i think the ending was like. i don’t wanna say “cop out” but, kind of out of left field? it felt very disconnected from the seasons leading up to it but i honestly can’t say i’m mad about it because i don’t think the post coma seasons were very good comparatively speaking to seasons 1-5. yes i know adam reed stopped writing for the show during/after season 10. i know he got tired of the setup after season 4 and that’s why we got that mess that was seasons 5-10 which was VERY up and down in terms of writing. i do, overall, like the ending and i don't think they really could have gone in another direction.

the agency was always going to have to be shut down. we’ve known since season 2 there were issues with keeping ISIS afloat, so i don’t think people really should have been surprised by that. i do appreciate that lana got the top job in the end, i don’t think archer himself would have enjoyed that job. her whole post-coma storyline with the other man i never really cared for, like yeah it does make sense for her to move on, especially with her young daughter, but robert was absolutely not the type of man lana would have been with and i thought that was bad writing. creating conflict and a solution (him being a billionaire) for the sake of creating conflict and a solution. i’m glad that ended when it did but it shouldn’t have been there in the first place imo lmao. i also want to say that while i’m not against the idea of lana and archer having a baby, i think they were destined to have some permanent tie in some way, but the way the show went about it was god awful. lana taking archer’s sperm from a bank gave fans another reason to hate the one black woman in the show, and then to give aj little to no screen time or story line after made it all feel like it was all just there to make people hate lana more. but also, what the fuck are you gonna do with a baby in a show about spies? it should have been saved for the end of the show and again i feel like this was adam reed just trying to get out of writing spy stuff (which he said regularly in interviews he grew tired of it, which, fair, but come on).

throughout the entire show pam’s character has changed so fucking much but she remained relatively consistent with regards to who she is as a person throughout. from very early on (at least season 2 if not 1) we’re shown how physically strong she is and how she actually makes a good agent. there were weird things thrown in about her personal life that i found very inconsistent with regards to her romantic/sexual relationships though. our first look into pam’s sex life is… very uncomfortable to say the least. she’s written as a sexual predator and commits assault on screen at least once in the early seasons for a “haha sexual assault is funny” moment that is never brought up again. on top of that, we’re also introduced to her being “undesirable” sexually which very quickly changes to “she fucks and she fucks WELL”. we’ve also known from the start she’s bisexual as she comes onto lana like episode 3, but then there’s a random moment in season 11 or 12 or whatever of her asking a random one off character to “be her polyamorous primary” and then this is never seen or talked about again and it feels like diversity for the sake of “oh look at us we have diversity” which i fucking hate. she’s a woman who fucks well and often and forced moments like that feel forced. sorry.

i do not actively participate in archer “fandom” bc let’s be real there isn’t really one lol HOWEVER the way other fans talk about cyril is fucking bizarre to me. ppl on here act like hes "uwu innocent cinnamon roll baby" when he's just as complicit as everyone else. we know he’s not a very good person from the start and that has been consistent throughout the show. i really don’t have much to say about him here he’s always been a pathetic character (and that voice actor whose name i can never remember is very good at those types, i really like him in what i've seen) and the kinda guy who is always going “but what about meeeee?!” and i think his personality brought a nice balance to the gigantic egos he shared the room with, as he still has a giant ego but he can’t really voice it, and he turns kind of incel-y because of it. i really enjoyed that about him, he was shitty in a different way, y'know? i will say the finale was kind of weird with him, i keep going back and forth on whether or not i like him not really getting a clear ending.

now to talk about cheryl. this has to be one of the most bizarre character story arcs of all time. she goes from a timid secretary who wants to fuck archer to a billionaire with (and i hate this word but i cannot think of a better one atm) psychopathic behavior causing destruction for the sake of causing destruction. she has this really interesting and crazy backstory that we first hear about in season 2 that develops over time, but starting like, season 5/6ish, it’s a slow flanderization of her character from a kind of hidden evil who is smarter than she lets on to a total idiot who likes to set things on fire. and oh! look at that she hears voices sometimes too! haha isn't psychosis funny! aren't people with psychosis terrible and evil? isn't that funny? anyway. this gets SIGNIFICANTLY worse post coma (same with krieger, i’ll get to that later) to basically someone who shouldn’t be outside of a hospital. it was really disappointing and even in the finale a few characters outright say “has she gotten worse?” pointing out in universe the flanderization (or possibly intentional writing?) which just feels shitty. also, her being a country music star for one season and then outright forgetting about it the next (explicitly said in the show she has no memory of it!) is just bad writing.

as for krieger, i feel very much the same way as i do about cheryl. he started off as a weird, kinda background character who turns out to be this mad scientist with ties to malory since childhood. some of his inventions are successful, some aren’t, but he did actually do stuff. as the show went on (post season 4) you also start to notice the degradation of his character like with cheryl, turning him into a bumbling idiot. he got a moment of his old self in the finale which was nice, and the little nod to him and cheryl possibly working together after was fun, but it’s no where near enough to make up for the way they both were treated for the past like 10 years in the show.

as for the man himself, i think he remained the most consistent throughout the show. we see character development, but not a lot, and i think that felt realistic. he’s still an asshole, he’s still a bad person, but he’s not as bad of a person anymore. i think he truly did remain the same character from the pilot to the finale. there were some moments in seasons 12-14 where i felt like he was getting more.. childish? almost? but the finale was him through and through. he always loved lana, he always loved katya, he always loved his daughter. i don’t think lana/archer could ever really be a viable endgame. we’ve seen them try, but they really shine as people, as parents, and as professionals when they have that cat-mouse dynamic and i think it was a good mirror to malory and nikolai from seasons 1/2. another thing, i know he said he didn’t care who his father was, but FUCK i wanted to know! i’m choosing to believe it was nikolai because adam reed had said that at one point that was the plan.

i also just realized i forgot to talk about zara completely. zara felt like, in ds9 when jadzia was killed because her actress had enough of rick berman, but they had one more season to do so they tossed ezri in there for the sake of having someone fill the spot. since malory was gone, lana took her spot, and zara was created to fit lana’s spot. i feel the same way about her as i do ezri dax, which is i really don’t care. sorry LMFAO. i understand why she was there but she didn’t add anything to the show to me.

now the finale itself. the whole “one last mission” thing was nice, it wasn’t mind blowing or anything but it was fine. i will say, i never felt like slater was archer’s real rival, i always felt like (pre coma seasons at least) it was barry. i think the ending of archer vs. barry would have been better but that’s just me. i think they fucked up a little going the route of making them friends in the end. and the whole both katya and barry being in the same cyborg body for some reason felt very weird and last minute, katya and barry didn’t end their relationship on good terms lol. AND THEN. archer having sex with the barry-katya hybrid caught me SO off guard. don’t get me wrong! i’m glad they put that in there but it was very 👁️👄👁️. unexpected to say the least lmfao was nice to confirm his bisexuality though? i guess?

while the finale covered a lot of recurring and repeat characters and storylines, i feel like there were some BIG ones that were left out. like, what the fuck ever happened with veronica dean?? the woman who shot archer, the reason he was in a coma for 3 years?? they mentioned her ONCE in season 11 in an off handed comment that “they were still looking for her”. ok so did they find her?? maybe it’s because i didn’t think the recent seasons were that great, but i thought the finale being centered around a fabian (was that his name? i genuinely don’t remember i’m not watching or reading wikipedia or anything while writing) storyline felt kinda lame too. whenever malory had something going on with a rival agency it felt fun but the whole IIA thing was incredibly boring to me. unfortunately no one could ever compare to malory's character in her terrible diva ways that i could never get enough of. and of course no one could do it besides jessica walter.

another thing is a nod to other early season stuff would have been nice. save for barry and katya, it was all post season 5. like woodhouse. or even a one off line about popeye. what about len trexler. rona thorne? was she ever mentioned again? they were relevant in the early seasons! idk. though i do wonder if we're better off without it, maybe the new writers would have fucked it up too much. the new writers probably don't even know who those characters were fghjfkdsgf. in short i feel like the ending forgot a lot about the beginning, and i think most fans would have enjoyed being reminded of the beginning.

anywayyyyyy this was long and ramble-y and probably incoherent but there we have it. after 14 years there goes my favorite stupid little show of all time. seasons 1-4 i can rewatch infinite times (and i'm not kidding when i say i've watched each episode no less than 30 times either actually fully paying attention or as background noise and somewhat paying attention) and will never get tired of. i enjoy season 5 and some of season 6. from there its a very mixed bag and i find it a little disappointing that a show that started off that strong went out kinda weak. i think i personally would have preferred the show ended after season 5 but i know that is not my choice to make. i don't even think they're (the later seasons) that bad, but they could have been so much better. in terms of adult animation this is still the one. and i don't even think i ever said anything about how much i always loved the art style. in the end, it will continue to hold a special place in my heart and be a shitty comfort show and i'm ok with that <3

[bluecookies02]

Dom!Twice x Reader

summary: Jin and you bumped into each other khm, the attraction evident coming from both sides. Despite you being a hero you can't resist him and you end up together in a hotel room.

->While this wasn't a previously discussed dynamic, Twice is just being rough but its consensual nonetheless. Take care of your Doms/Partners on each occasion, even while having one night stands, someone might need you💕

⚠️warnings⚠️ : voyeurism (two people watching and jacking off /it's a dirty hotel room why r u surprised), degradation, spanking, facefuck, female eating out a male, threesome (with a clone), rough to gentle (twice is a sweetheart and needs to be loved), unprotected sex/creampie.

A/N: this was a paid 6k word commission however for a male!reader (during a blm protest) and much more filthy and taboo but taking from the messages and triggered ppl in my asks and on wattpad, some ppl aren't comfortable with extreme topics so i won't be posting the full story (fuck it i added Jin sucking a guy off... i had to) because the "hate" I get makes me rly insecure about some kinks. Also Jin sucks a guys dick here. Be warned. It's wholesome tho.Kinda.

edit:male version here-> http://www.archiveofourown.org/works/25896667?view_adult=true

Sry for the long intro, enjoy.

✼ •• ┈┈┈┈๑⋅⋯ ୨˚୧ ⋯⋅๑┈┈┈┈ •• ✼

You've been strolling down the streets in hopes of getting back home before the curfew, not having the strength or the luxury to get caught by the cops.

Moving through familiar streets, you found yourself wondering off to today's events, the protests thankfully not becoming too dangerous and hazardous, making your heart flush in small victory.

Your attention was snapped back to reality as you heard a familiar gagging sound, and a loud, angry groan followed after it. Your eyes darted to the source of the filthy sounds, gulping once you managed to make out two bodies in the dark. A blonde-haired man choking on a fat black cock as what's supposedly spurts of cum coated his throat. The semen slowly spilled down the blonde’s lips and the tall man above him pulled the blonde up by his hair. The black man dipped his finger into the blonde’s mouth and glided it on his tongue, smearing the sticky liquid before connecting their lips before disappearing around the block.

His hooded eyes turned to look at you, a satisfied smirk forming on his lips.

Gulping down the cum down his throat, he wiped the corner of his mouth with the back of his hand before slowly walking to your frozen form.

He reached for your hand, smiling brightly before introducing himself to you.

"Name's Jin, It's really nice to meet you," he said, looking you up and down, tongue swiping along his bottom lip.

"Y/N, I'm sorry for interrupting" a chuckle left his lips as he shook your hand.

"Oh none of that, I should be thanking you, it tripled my fun..you here for the protests, right?" you nod, your hand falling back down.

"I am. You support them?"

"In my own way apparently, now let's go, we have 5 minutes, I know a hotel nearby" he rushed out, motioning for you to follow.

You stared in confusion before realization hit you, quickly checking the time before rushing off to catch up with him.

He fumbled with his wallet, going to the register and dumping a few crumbled bills on the counter.

The hotel was dirty and smelly, the furniture in the waiting hall dusty and probably washed a decade ago.

"You can wait here until we prepare the room, with this money, you leave at 6 am sharp." the guy behind the counter rang for the staff, sending them off to unlock the room and change the sheets( at least that will be clean )

Jin and you sat on the dusty couch, him already familiar and comfortable, spreading his legs and laying back.

He fumbled with his lighter and the pack of cigarettes from his pocket.

The crappy hotel was full of people rushing in and out of their rooms, borrowing/stealing stuff from one another, and when you took note of it, it looked more like a homeless shelter.

You wondered how many times did he stay in here, maybe even lived here.

"So...you don't like heroes huh?"

"Pft, I resent all people equally...though I make exceptions for those with a fat ass" he mumbled, straining his neck to look you up.

"And you pass the requirements" he laid back down, choking out the cigarette on the couch.

The maid came back shortly, giving you a key and directing you to a room on one of the top floors.

You pressed the elevator button, Jin following you suit as he stood close to you.

You turned your eyes to the numbers on the elevator suddenly interested in the worn-out digits on the metal buttons.

"You know, now that you're standing in this light, you look tasty all over..." his hot breath ghosted over your neck, his arm slipping down to clutch at your hip, pulling you against him.

"And you're so small I could eat you all up...push you down and pound into that fat pussy of yours."

his hand moved lower, grabbing a handful of your cheeks and kneading them in his palms.

You made no move to stop the man, the thought of the elevator opening as he was about to slip his hand in your pants made you swallow a lump in your throat, your cunt throbbing as you imagined the look on whoever was unlucky enough to stumble upon the two of you.

"You look so committed to your little acts of bravery, let's see how committed you are to sucking a cock" the elevator door opened, the floor you reached empty.

His hand tangled in your locks, pushing you out into the hall and forcing you to your knees.

His musky scent filled your nostrils as he pushed you against his clothed bulge, rubbing your face against a wet spot damping his sweats.

"I'm not gonna teach you how to do it, it's not gonna bite" he snarled, watching the way your hand reached up to pull at his sweatpants.

"That's a smart girl, go ahead" he hummed in approval, his hips jerking forward as you grabbed the front of his sweats, tugging the material along with his boxers.

His length hooked on his clothes, snapping up with a quiet "pop" sound as you finally had the opportunity to see it in all its glory.

From the way his cock bulged in his restraints a second ago, you were already drooling at the imagination of it, the situation you were in also adding to your excitement, thinking if some weird lowlife creep could be watching the two of you from the dark.

You gave a teasing pump, your fist tightening around his shaft as he bucked his hips into your hand.

This man was definitely packing, your thighs clenching at the thought of it plowing in and out of your throat.

He watched you carefully, adoring the way your eyes glistened in hunger. Reaching a hand to hold it around your own that was wrapped at the base of

his cock, he guided his member along your lips, his other hand still keeping your head in place.

His wet cock prodded at your lips, your willing mouth stretching around him as he slowly pushed in all the way, your nose mushing against his navel as he removed both hands from his shaft.

You gagged around him, the urge to cough burning in your chest before he pushed you off to the tip.

Spit piled up in your mouth, slicking up his arousal, making it easier to slip right back in. Your nails dug in his hips, holding onto him as he rocked shallow thrust into your constricting throat. You tried your best to loll your tongue out, gliding it against the ridges of his member making him hum in pleasure. You began bobbing your head on your own, timing it with his thrusts as you tried to hold your breath in for a bit longer.

He pulled you off his cock completely, letting you catch a quick puff of air before sinking back in, continuing his assault on your mouth.

You slurped around him, a mess dripping down your lips and onto the floor as your spit dripped over his balls.

"That's a good cocksleeve...you really want someone to catch us huh...if you don't I advise you to try and keep the slurping down" he warned, rocking into you with more speed.

You only got louder, purposefully gagging and moaning as he fucked your face.

His thrusts were now timed and fast, each time almost pulling out before slamming back in, giving you hardly a second to time your breaths.

He smirked, biting his lip as he watched you gasp for air each time he blessed you with an opportunity.

His pubes were messy and long, tickling your nose as you closed your eyes, trying to focus on not losing too much air, already imagining his heavy taste on your tongue.

Your jaw ached and your throat was starting to go numb, begging in your head for him to cum already.

You whimpered and whined as he squeezed your cheeks around his cock, the additional friction of his fingers dipping into your flesh and rubbing against his member making him throw his head back.

"That's it, that's a good little slut...come one swallow around my cock, I want to feel you clench around it"

You did as you were told, gulping down around him, drinking in his sour precum and strings of heavy saliva.

You spread your knees, sinking lower, your aching pussy rubbing against the dirty hotel carpet, still fully covered by your pants.

"Oh, you get off on this too much you filthy shit...who knows who stepped foot on that disgusting rug..."

he all but whispered, finally stilling your head flush into his pubes, the veins on his cock twitching before warm liquid slid into the back of your throat, making you gush and cough around his length, him not pulling out until his cock stopped throbbing, only pushing deeper against you as you struggled to stay still.

Finally, he realizes his grip from your locks, letting you detach from his cock with a disgusting mix of a gag and groan. He cupped your chin with his palm, collecting anything that escaped your mouth and pushing in right back in, watching it dance on your tongue as he kept your mouth open.

"Really...I give you my cum and you have the guts to spit it out...what a shame." he roared, collecting some spit in his mouth before adding it to the mix in your own.

"Swallow." And you did, your sore throat hurting from the large gulp you took in.

"I'm gonna fuck you real good...you seem to like that carpet a lot..." he hooked his arms around you, spinning you and then throwing you face-first into the floor.

Your pants and panties are pulled down to your knees, your legs tied together as you brace yourself on your elbows.

"What, Jin? Is my pussy that-" you're tumbling forwards on your cheeks, the rug burning your chin as Twice slaps your ass.

"I don't like it when you talk, toys don't talk" with that he spat at your hole, prodding two of his fingers making your scream in pain, feeling like losing consciousness before coming back to your senses once you feel a weight on your face.

Jin's foot is pressing you down on the floor, his dirty boot mushing your face as he fingers you.

What you don't see is the two dudes on the far end of the hall watching the way your squirm for his cock.

Jin takes note of them, sending them a threatening but a teasing look, purposefully pushing his knuckles deep in your cunt. Your groan out, rutting your hips in his hold as you beg for him to give you more, finally used to the sudden stretch.

"Oh they sure are jealous of me don't ya think?" you struggled to snap your head back and see who he's talking about, the heel of his shoes pushing even harder against your skull. You grind your ass back, giving it a meaningful wiggle to show off to whoever he's talking about.

"C'mon Jin, don't let them wait, they'll think you don't know how to actually fuck" your cunt is filled with one well snap of his hips, not letting you comprehend how fast his fingers left your body or how fast was his hand now wrapped around your neck, both of his knees now settled between your thighs, pushing them further apart so your back arches down, your pants thrown off of your ankles somewhere around the hall.

You hiss at the roughness of his thrusts as you feel a hand covering your mouth.

"As much as I want to hear you scream and beg, you have too much of a bratty mouth to be left alone".  One of his fingers dipped between your lips, letting you bite down on it as he pounded into you, his face never leaving the two intruders as he watched them rub their cocks over their pants.

They don't have the guts. They could never make you feel so good and wanted. They wouldn't know what to do if a delicious pussy like yours hit them in the face.

Both of his hands are on your head as he plows in and out of you, his hips slapping against your thighs, making perfect leverage to bounce against you.

You're trying your best to keep up, your arm reaching beneath youto flick at your clit.

Jin's kinda lost in the way your hips bounce, losing himself in the rhythm as you hear him mumbling incoherent words into his chin.

You don't have the time to pay attention to it, too lost in the way your pussy is being stretched and used.

You heard a snicker from the far end of the hall, a line of disgusting remarks as they whispered about recognizing Jin from the news, apparently "recognizing his disgusting stitched up forehead" comparing him to Frankenstein and other monstrous creatures.

You knew they were just boiling with jealousy, unable to get any as they were left to only masturbate as the two of you literally couldn't wait to enter your room that was only a few meters away.

"Oh I'm fucking you so good, you look really pretty with my cock in your cunt" "I'm so fucking disgusting, they should lock me up and leave me to rot"

He's not looking at those creeps anymore, his mind struggling as his hold on you loosens.

His thrusts are slowing down, your knees trembling as you have to come back down from the intense pace from seconds ago.

You pick yourself up, looking at Jin as he hides his head into his hand.

This must've been what he thought about when he talked about people not helping him fight his fights, judging and mocking even in these absurd situations, not even letting the man fuck in peace.

You reached for his hand, him flinching on instinct when your fingers tangle with his.

His eyes hold panic in them, aimlessly looking around as he bites his lip in order to stop words coming from his mouth.

While you loved being manhandled, what you loved even more is making people feel safe, so you wasted no time in picking up the keys and your clothes, sending a wink at those jerks as you pulled Jim into the room.

"My face, cover my face...it's gonna-" you closed the door behind you, sitting Jin onto the bed as you tried to see what's going on with him.

You sat yourself on his lower belly, leaning down to cup his face in your hands, leaning your forehead against his.

"Sorry handsome, but if anyone stormed in and saw me putting a pillowcase over your face, I don't think they would hold back on calling the cops..."

His eyes struggled to stay closed, his breaths deep and pained. You didn't know this man for long, but there was something really fucked up going on with his head. Your lips caught his, pushing your tongue in his mouth as you wrapped your legs around his back.

"That's good, you're a really tough guy c'mon...open your eyes for me." He did, his pupils trying to adjust to the pitch-black room.

"I know I might be butt ass naked and you literally have your cock out, but I'm willing to listen "

And you do...listening to him remble out all of the self-hatred he feels, degrading himself as he struggles to make sense of the biased sentences pouring out of his mouth.

"I'm only good for a quick fuck, that's the only thing I can somewhat do right" while indeed you really looked forward to getting your guts rearranged, you found yourself involved in this man, deciding to be the first person to show him kindness and passion.

You made him lay on his back, seating yourself between his legs as he covered his face with a pillow, his ramblings never coming to a stop.

"Hey...You're not gonna split, see... I'm right here" you said reaching your arms to place on each side of his hips.

"Have you ever tried doing something that feels good for you...apart from literally fucking my throat...but you know...letting someone treat you?” you asked, kissing along his chest as you awaited his response.

He shook his head no, head poking over the pillow, his mind focusing on your moves.

You nodded, leaving light kisses along his salty skin.

"The reason those assholes kept talking must've been because they were jealous of your ass, I'm sure of it" you stated matter of factly before dipping your head to kiss at his thighs.

"I don't think that's-" "Fuck yeah, I'd eat it myself if I had the chance" you chuckled at his response, wrapping your hand around his length as you dipped your tongue down his balls.

"Yeah...I'll have to agree with the second one...everyone would, if given the chance, how convenient" your wet tongue prodded at his hole, dipping in only slightly before coming back up to his cock, licking up a heavy strip along his veins as you heard him swallow.

You slammed your face back into his ass, moving your hands from spreading his cheeks further apart to grabbing his hips as you pulled yourself into him. Sticking your tongue out you began licking up and down his hole as you continued to grind your face against his backside, reveling in the smell and taste of it.

"Yeah, lick that ass you whore, you take it so well..." his hand covered his mouth in surprise, eyes wide as you looked up.

You were breathing in deep, licking hungrily, everywhere, every inch of his exposed puckered skin, your hand now giving lazy strokes to his cock.

You close your eyes, enjoying the rhythm his body swayed in against you, all but riding your face as he struggled not to speak.

You continue applying pressure with your tongue, getting deeper, centimeter by centimeter. As you are applying pressure with your tongue you press your lips around his ass and make open-mouthed kissing motions, effectively massaging the area around his hole with your full lips.

The pleasure he felt made him feel all that more guilty, eyes squinting as he tried to think.

Maybe he could do it, he's just gonna make one... He won't get lost...he knows who he is...you know who the real Jin is, you have to know.

You feel a light push at your hole, struggling to look back as Jin's hand keeps you squashed against his hairy hole.

"Clones, I make clones" he tries to explain in a hurry, his head buzzing up again once you hum against his crack.

"Ooh that's a pretty little hole, you sure that's for me boss?" a voice quite similar to Jin's sound from being you, rubbing the tip of his flush cock against you.

As Jin doesn't respond, your balance is interrupted, your face suffocating between his thighs.

"Oh she's so tight boss, you sure you don't want some of this?" the clone asks mockingly, his hips snapping forwards with great force, each thrust feeling like a completely new one as he pulls all the way out, making irregular pauses to keep you guessing about when will you get his cock again.

You try to snicker a bratty remark but you don't manage to detach from Jin as the clone begins to shove his heavy cock in and out of you.

"Disgusting little cunt do you have here...it's making a mess of my pretty cock...how filthy" he scolds, his palm meeting with your flesh, stinging sensation burning up through your body.

One of your fingers slips pass your tongue, making Jin's soft walls twitch as you pump the digit slowly.

"Damn boss, you let her play you like that?" the clone mocks, grinding your ass against his dick.

Jin doesn't respond as you push more fingers in, stretching him open as you bounce against the clones cock, your clit pink and puffy since you still didn't get to cum.

Jin's close, his breath hitching in his throat as you abuse the soft patch of flesh in his ass, your tongue still silking up the fingers plowing into him.

Your hand speeds up on his cock, small pumps focusing on his tip as you urge for him to release.

His clone is now still inside you as he looks at Jin, smirking once he sees him spurting ropes of cum into your hand, white liquid pooling in your fist as you continue to stroke him, your fingers pressed snuggly in his hole.

Jin takes a moment to catch his breath, his copy waiting for his orders as he takes your hands away from him.

He finds his place beside you, reaching his hand to flick at your clit.

The clone sets a brutal pace, Jin's palm securing against your clit as you rut into it.

"Yeah, make me cum, make me cream all over, c'mon" you spur them on, fisting the sheets as the bed creeks from the three of you.

Jin watches in aww as you lose yourself on the clone's cock, violently meeting the thrusts and chasing Jin's fingers.

"Good slut, you're gonna cum when I fill up your ass c'mon"

The clone goes feral, his hands kneading and digging into your fat, groaning and praising the way your ass sucks him up, his thrusts sloppy and uneven as he chases his release.

Just as the first wave of warm liquid fills your pussy up, you're clenching down on his cock, Jin's hand flicking in a hurry as he stares at your blessed out face. Your hips are jerking and trashing as the final throb of your cunt ruins the sheets, the clones cock slipping out to stare at your contracting hole, the soft flesh spasming around nothing.

Jin eventually lays down, pulling your body next to his as the clone leaves, rubbing your back in soothing circles.

"I...thanks" he whispers in your hair, reaching for the covers as he drapes them over both of you.

He'll be seeing you again.

i remember telling someone i won't be doing twice soon but...commission is a commission and the idea also caught my attention

___________

Requests:closed

commission:open (1 slot)

Ko-fi link is in my bio💕

[zukkacore]

It sucks that mako and bolin are underdeveloped, bolin especially (& even Mako is “developed” in ways that are kinda unsatisfactory, mostly via love triangle bullshit or him becoming a cop) bc like the fact that they’re homeless orphans from a potentially multicultural background like automatically makes them more interesting than 90% of these annoying corrupted political figures the show spends so much time with, & it’s like never rly explored?

Like republic city is former earth kingdom territory turned fire nation colony, the whole reason aang & Zuko Did A Colonialism was bc they didnt want to displace the mixed Fire nation/earth kingdom families that were living there for potentially generations, so it might’ve been interesting to explore characters from a mixed background? Especially bc the way they handle Kataang’s family is honestly kinda bad, the show treats tenzin like he’s culturally an airbender, kya like she’s culturally a waterbender, and bumi like he’s neither. They’re a MIXED INDIGENOUS FAMILY. Plus Mako & Bolin’s multicultural background is different from Kataang’s family. The SWT & the Air Nomads we’re both victims of the fire nation’s imperialism. A family where one side is from the fire nation (we just don’t know how far back) is a completely different dynamic.

Like the s3 stuff where Mako & Bolin find their family in ba sing se is good for what it is! I’m glad they have family! It’s good material for them and they deserve it after being alone for so long but it’s almost like being in republic city or being orphans or both was almost an excuse to just divorce them from their multicultural background which to me is rly missed potential. The effects of Japanese imperialism are SO prevalent across Asia, it’s fricking weird that none of that imperial influence is apparent in any of the colonized territory in Atla. Bc they don’t spend hardly any time in former colonies! And it’s not until s4! & we see the separate earth kindom territories are struggling do to a power vacuum, but really? After 100 years, no fire nation influence on any of this territory?

And like it’s a real missed opportunity bc like it would’ve been rly interesting to address Bolin’s background during his lavabender arc! But the show treats it almost like a level-up or a cool new gimmick. Alternatively/Additionally, the fact that they’re disconnected from their background could be like a Thing bc Mako and Bolin use bending purely for like. Survival & competitive sport. Reconnecting w Earth Kingdom & Fire Nation culture could’ve been really interesting directions for them, especially in terms of like. Them finding a sense of belonging. Blood relatives are good but found family? That could’ve been so powerful.

Bending as like a cultural practice honestly goes kinda unaddressed and forgotten in LoK? Or, it’s addressed, but it’s rly inconsistent. The contrast between bending as competitive fighting sport vs. bending as a big component of a pacifist culture like the Air nation is a rly interesting idea, but bending as an aspect of the other nations is just kinda forgotten about. I mean, Amon made some points but also Amon ur really gonna tell me that airbenders have privilege? During s1 there 5 of them in the world, total, including korra, because they were nearly wiped out via genocide 100 years ago. And yes, he’s the villain, but this aspect of his anti-bender ideology is never critized, they just rely on him and his goons using extremist tactics that are easy to dispute, or scary displays of his power unsettling and disturbing Korra.

Anyways I got kinda sidetracked from my point bc I think the treatment of Mako and Bolin is also a larger issue that kinda bleeds into the world of LoK as a whole & shows some of the problems w the worldbuilding, but just. Ah. I wish those two had been given some real material instead of getting wrapped up in love triangle drama and playing bodyguard and actor for so much of the show

Edit: I elaborated on my thoughts a bit if you wanna check the notes it’s a long read tho so w/e if ppl prefer this short version for brevity it’s fine

[cloveroctobers]

•ALLEGRA BIANCHI•

IG info/bio: @/theeallegrabianchi | 303k followers| Entrepreneur | bad bitches go to therapy thxz 🦭👄

(24) 26 years old

From Swansea, Wales

Ofc she knows who Catherine Zeta-Jones is...her mother literally resembles her and remembers people coming up to her mom countless times asking for a pic growing up, and Allegra hated taking pics for these imbeciles...mainly because the attention wasn’t on her

has a dysfunctional family...

her mother is critical of almost everything she does but at least she paying attention?

and feels her father is neglectful and only seems to be heard when she’s in his face

all they know how to do is scream at each other instead of talking calmly to one another

her mother is of Venezuelan heritage

And Her father is of Italian heritage

her father’s side of the family resides in calabria italy

he named her after his high school gf that passed away due to his irresponsible drunk driving on their senior prom night

Her parents do not have the healthiest of relationships due to her father constantly cheating on her mother in the past...leading to verbal and physical fights

also has a kid or two outside of their marriage because of his unfaithfulness and allegra learned to hate them because of the hurt her mother showcased

In the beginning she was only around them because her father enforced it, that she needed to know her family “blood is all you got in the end.” He would always say but that was bs

Would take her, her half sibs, and her full sibs on day trips/weekend trips in his suburban

Has three full older brothers and one full younger sister

Because of this, Allegra did not have a clear view of what love was supposed to be and felt that anger in a relationship is supposed to be somewhat of the norm?

Many times she wished at night in her bed with a pillow over her head that her parents would just file for a divorce already when their fights would get bad to the point things would get broken and her mother would h*t her father (once with a metal bat) and throw him out of the house

Has had the cops called on their household before and cps definitely has/had a file on them

Has been in family therapy before and is currently in therapy mainly for herself because of the trauma & how it’s messed with her spirit as a person

Loves? Cares for her parents from afar but will never understand their relationship and why they’re still together to this day

Can go months without speaking to any of her family members and be completely fine with that

Had her younger sis, Nerina put her PRIVATE shit on blast via internet after love island aired and completely cut her off since she is “a clout chaser and money hungry bitch who can’t take care of own her child cause she opened her legs to a meth head who loves prison” OOP

she only has a decent relationship with one of her brothers who’s two years older than her, Vito. They seem to be the closest out of the sibs and he’s the only one she bothers to speak to from time to time

She’s a “cocktail entrepreneur” so I’m guessing she has her own business where she specializes in her own cocktail drinks? Working in some upscale rooftop/penthouse bar where she successfully makes profits from her signature drinks or has a brand that focuses mainly on cocktails

It took years for her business to take off and hasn’t been easy, not one bit. At times it felt like everyone wanted to see her fail and she has openly spoken about her struggles as not only a entrepreneur but as a woman in this business where no one wanted to take a chance on her

That just lit the fire that’s already inside of her

Aries sun + Leo moon + Scorpio rising? (Personality vs how you react to things emotionally vs you’re outside shell for those who don’t follow this too much. I’m not too in depth about it but I do find it interesting!)

Or should she be reversed as a Leo sun with a Aries moon? Aries are direct, fiery, one step ahead of others, impulsive, and know how to take charge. Leo’s are dramatic, loves attention, passionate, loyal, warm, and have a need to express their passions, and scorpios are intense, secretive, mysterious, and work strategically

anyways, I feel like she’s definitely improved as a person over the span of two years? Or at least I hope she has cause everyone goes thru changes

And she was frustrating in s1 so I just know she had some deeper issues going on so I really think therapy is helping her ass I wish it would help me lmao

Being cheated on honestly made her feel like her mother, weak in her mind she was with this dude for awhile—3 years and he just up and thought it was okay to cheat on her? With his personal trainer?! Yet he didn’t gain any muscle mass?! The ultimate disrespect!!! but one thing she knew? She wasn’t going to stick around like her mom did

But she was bitter about it foresure. She ultimately wanted to corner the girl for messing with HER man but part of her knew she wasn’t the only one to blame. However that didn’t stop her for cussing her out via voicemail a couple of times while intoxicated

Allegra always strived for love cause she’s never really seen it before or felt it

Sure she’s had many boyfriends before?And their names didn’t matter not only because she didn’t remember them? But she never felt the spark with them in the first place?

Maybe she wasn’t meant for love so she kinda put on this bitchy front and always been that way with some shitty friends she had around her until she recently cut them off a year ago

has gotten herself into trouble as a kid: trespassing, and destroying public property, smoking in the girls bathroom, physical altercations, cutting class, being assigned community service, etc... all with these friends she’s had for years!

Before she met her problematic friends in secondary, when she was in her pre-teen stage she was involved in the handbell team and in the Color guard but hates to admit it even tho her parents have pics all over the flat

went away to uni for a semester and wanted to join a sorority but the hazing was extreme to the point she was sent to the hospital then accepted? Which led to more trauma in her life so she dropped out

A few years later she decided on online courses and moved out of her parents flat as soon as she could with the $ she saved up and did not leave in the house since it was not safe to smh

Therapy was really helping sis, she felt a lot better and was working on her deep rooted issues mainly the anger and hurt and never really realized how it revolves around her life. She was super thankful for her therapist and reshaping herself

Many didn’t buy it but she knew she couldn’t give that much of a fuck? She couldn’t. In order to grow you got to learn that you have to involve for yourself and not others

She didn’t like the person she saw watching the show back but when she came back to the reunion a part of her hoped people saw some sort of change in her—even if it’s only been a few months since the show then

Sometimes she’ll slip back into old habits, wanting and doing so by snapping on people and blacking out by getting intoxicated and knowing that healing is a process and valuing yourself is the exact same

has a toy poodle that she loves deeply

doesn’t have many outside friends after cutting off the ones that were toxic

is pro-ab*rtion and had one herself which was aired out by her sister online

has a cozy flat that has a lot of brick exposure inside, a navy sofa which is her favorite piece in her house, and a view to die for!! which erases the fact that her apartment is “cozy” which she uses to replace the fact that it’s much smaller than what she originally wanted. She dreams big ya know!!!

currently has a crush on her art teacher who resembles Adam Rodriguez

but also feels like liking your teacher/instructor is a bit weird? Even tho they’re both grown

yes she is taking art classes now outside of work to find something that’ll bring her peace and these pass months they have until COVID hit where classes had to be cancelled yet she was contacted to continue online but she felt her art was truly shit but he says art is subjective

She feels like there’s a connection there? But at the same time isn’t looking for another relationship until she fully works on herself first! That took awhile for her to accept after she fell into some relations with a few ppl after the show

from there she realized that she might like girls too? And got a little annoyed that it took her this long to figure out especially with the way she felt around MC and cherry

doesn’t like to admit this but her fav holiday is Christmas? Even tho the theme is majorly corny to her but it actually makes her happy?

Feels like that was the only time her family showed love towards each other, and even tho they didn’t come from much, they always followed thru with their traditions

and she misses them a little bit around this time and might be the first one to call them even if the calls are short lived and kinda awkward at first

Loves making gingerbread houses and cookies

i feel like she now embraces her forearm hair but still gets everything else lasered

Miss Allegra has inches okay?! But I definitely feel like now in 2020 she’s chopping that shit off into a pixie cut and when she posts on the gram her hair is usually always damp when she shows it off

some comments — jake: lovely! Jen: babe, ur beautiful! Erikah: 😍 Tim: how hot! You’ve got the whole resident evil thing goin for yous

“Did he just call me a virus?”

And she might get a like from mason that’ll make her feel some type of way

We all have to go thru some growth you know so do you girl!

You can’t tell me she doesn’t play stabscotch!

Used to be obsessed with social media way before going on love island but lately doesn’t mind disappearing for months at a time? You have to cleanse yourself from that shit

idk i see her being mostly cool with jen or erikah and will hang out with them from time to time? Maybe they experienced some growth too, shit I sure hope so

still feels something for mason??? But at the same time maybe it was mainly superficial since mason wasn’t fucking with her like that, not 100% but at the same time gets frustrated that he still doesn’t see where she’s coming from and it’s been 2 years???

She loves hard if given the chance and then feels like shit when it doesn’t work out cause it feels like she wasted a fuck load of time

she no longer follows him because she feels like it’s better for her spirit or whatever and she doesn’t need to see him with someone else

the only guy that she really interacts with is Tim, yet tim is cool with everybody!

Otherwise there’s no real connection with her and anybody else? She wants to keep love island separate from herself now because she’s not exactly the same as she was two years ago? And hopes someday people will get that

Probably watches those auction shows on the telly late at night when she can’t sleep, hoping and can afford some of those things one days

I feel like she has chronic migraines too?

Once had a significant other buy her Allegra-D in all seriousness for her birthday because it reminded them of her & thought it would help her headaches 🤨

Loves the snow, but hates cleaning it off her car! S/O to those HOA fees, bless it cause leggy’s deff bussed her ass once before breaking her collarbone and sued like a mf!!!

Since her hours are hardly consistent since she’s mainly her own boss, she’ll have late nights/early mornings when she returns home and has to shift days where she cleans the flat but when she cleans??? It’s best everyone stays tf out of her way

And don’t try to help her cause you’re doing it wrong 10/10 of the time, she loves cleaning and has dropped mad money on those super expensive vacuums

Only knows how to make what’s relative to her culture: arepas, penne alla vodka, and cawl but otherwise than that? She’d rather clean then spend hours in a kitchen cooking unless she’s making cocktails ofc!

also loves shopping for clothes but shoes are her fav things to shop for

Deff has a steamer over a iron for her clothes

Keeps eucalyptus and lavender oil in her purse at all times

posts mainly on her stories and made a deal with her supporters that she’ll go live once a month since she feels like she owes them that? Since she’s not as active anymore but she really doesn’t owe anybody shit but out of the newfound kindness of her heart...she does

Believes she got Covid before they all decided to do a shut down/lockdown of restaurants, bars, etc.. and her suspicions were proven correct after she decided to get tested

her anthem? Kali Uchis — Dead to me (acoustic version)

[antlerqueer]

unethical capitalism is not a genre, and the term unethical capitalism is capitalist propaganda. i think a better term for what you're looking for is literally just any version of "dystopian" lmao. unethical capitalism as a term for anything does not make sense because capitalism is inherently unethical. we're literally living in late stage capitalism where tech companies are already committing atrocities so it seems weird to call it "unethical capitalism" like its a new idea or something differing from our current norm.

It's also a trope in sci fi media. There is fiction (that is propaganda) that is about the myth that is ethical capitalism.

It's not dystopian bc it is commentary of our current capitalist systems and isn't always a depiction the end of the world, and often is a direct depiction of the consequences of our current culture/climate (see the media I referenced in my first post: Omnisciente, Biohackers, The Circle). The narrative of Unethical Capitalism exists as a way to point out the issues of capitalism through media. It's a specific narrative critique.

I agree there isn't ethical capitalism. Things that exist in the real world also are made into literary/narrative tropes. For example, Dirty Cop as a trope. There are no good cops, the trope of Dirty Cop doesn't imply there are good cops. It shows specific characters who are cops as explicitly bad and how they're explicitly bad.

Using your example of dystopia as the word I'm looking for:

There are dystopian stories specifically about corrupt governments, does that mean that there are no corrupt governments and that governments are not inherently corrupt? No. It means that story is centered on the corrupt government. There are dystopian stories specifically about ethnic cleansing, which we all know if very real and very much a thing that happens, has happened, and is currently happening. None of that is new, but they are used as specific narrative tropes.

The sci-fi I like is specifically about capitalism and exploring that it's unethical and exploitative, but if I said I like stories exploring capitalism id get wrung out by ppl saying I'm promoting capitalism. That's why I specified im talking about the tropes that discuss the "ethics" (rather the lack thereof) in capitalism.

I also already pointed out companies that are exploitative and evil in the post where I mentioned the trope itself, so saying I'm acting like it doesn't already exist is simply incorrect. I literally used to work for an exploitative tech company that took advantage of me using a lot of the techniques shown in this kind of media, so I'm aware that this isn't purely fictional.

We need to remove the idea that tropes/genres are completely removed from reality. A lot of tropes criticizing societal norms *are* rooted in reality.

I'm done with this convo bc I don't think you fully read my post where I specifically SAID real companies by name that do this, and youre engaging with me as though I've never had a critical thought the most destructive system on this planet before. I'm almost 28. I know there's no ethical capitalism. I haven't been living in some fantasy world where Jeff Bezos going to space is some fantastic progress for society and Elon Musk putting a car into space is anything other than pure showboating.

[transrightsjimin]

copy pasting from my twt bc i dont feel like writing this fully twice

urghghgh i feel fcking messed up whst the fuckk.. i was working nd had to deliver two packages and a letter at this one door but a guy lied n front of it nd i thought he was drunk nd homeless nd he was cursing a bit while lying on the stairs so i hesitated a bit but then still went back to try anyway but then he got up nd tried to intimidate me nd kept getting closer nd i still thought he was drunk nd could hurt me nd my instant reaction to intimidation / being scared is to cry so i ended up crying rly badly nd i saw a woman stand outside i the street nd later on more ppl. he followed me around sort of nd used misogynistic slurs nd threw his hat into my face but he also asked me nd others to not hurt him nd he seemed confused abt what my job was nd he walked back nd forth in directions.

so i first thought he was drunk but residents said he was prob in a psychosis nd i think that made more sense. nd they had called the cops on him nd tried to reassure me by asking to stay w them until cops arrived??? nd they wouldnt listen to me when i said i wasnt reassured at that at all nd that i just wanted to continue to the next street nd it seemed fine bc he walked into the other direction anyway, nd i was crying so bad from the initial shock of thinking he’d hurt me + the overstimulation of ppl talking through each other and not listening at all to me expressing i was concerned cops were gonna taze or kill him nd the residents either ignored me or said 'they wouldnt do that, i knew a person in psychosis who wasnt treated lke that' or said that medical assistance wont help either nd one dude even closed the door on me nd the woman who initially stayed w me for ‘protection‘ just walked away nd said ‘okay, yes, sure, whatever‘ sarcastically when she did finally stop talking over me. like my voice was more raised nd unstable bc of the crying nd now i seemed like a weird person to them too probably bc of the way i talked nd no one of them can imagine hating cops nd not all of them even were white nd it jst felt so disorienting but im also embarrassed i even mentioned that to them when clearly a lot of ppl in this country love cops nd especially the ones who CALL them jhjjkhhgj G OD

so i went around the corner nd called my friend in panic nd he suggested i go home nd i was like go home???? im still working?? i cant just not deliver all these bags of mail?? nd in the midst of our convo the cops drove by nd called for me nd i tried to ignore them but they kepr calling

nd i eventually did take out my earbuds bc i was afraid i be seen as suspicious or smth somehow which prob makes no sense, nd they asked if i was attacked nd i think everyone assumed so bc i was crying nd shaking so much but i just cry very easily??

i thought that they might not have found him yet or maybe did nd were considering pressing charges nd so i tried to at least (hopefully??) prevent violence or punishment against the man nd said hes not armed nd wasnt rly capable of attacking. nd they said oh so hes ´in de war´ (which translates to confused but in this case is a vague term for psychotic) nd i said yes nd emphasised tht he asked me nd others to not harm him. they kept asking me for my name nd i said i didnt want to give it out, i just want to work, nd i was stupid enough to say i was afraid the man would get tazed instead of help likE EWRTDGDJFH WHAT AM I DOING HERE TALKING TO PIGS IN ANGER ND REFUSING TO GIVE MY NAME DESPITE BEING IN MY WORKING CLOTHES??? ONE OF THEM EVEN TOOK A NOTE AS I REFUSED TO GIVE MY NAME  hjGDSDJHFKDJSGD

nd when they left i whatsapped my work teamcoach abt the situation nd why i couldnt continue working nd then called my friend again nd finally went home nd i was suddenly very dizzy nd still crying rn like god.  i feel so weird 

ok after i wrote that i got called by my teamcoach nd he understood nd assured me / recommended me to just try to take rest for the rest of the evening and tomorrow (january 1st isnt a working day anyway) nd deliver the rest of the mail on saturday morning if i can GDFHKJG I ALREADY HAVE 3 OTHER ROUTES ON SATURDAY BUT OK.. but god im still distraught by this. what a way to end the year

[unproduciblesmackdown]

let's see those Prime Numbers for the ask meme

2) favorite albums?

well i was Ready for kesha’s album Warrior to come out in iiii think it was the end of 2012 or early 2013?? i snuck out to that tour in dc that summer also. totally solid album and it was fun to have something so fun during a totally Not Fun period lol. i was also pretty into owl city at the exact same time lmao, that’s Blatantly for when you’re depressed lol...and i also eventually saw that guy on tour when a new album came out in 2015, and that was fun too, and was Enjoying Myself a factor in the tipping point of “ah jeez i gots 2 get outta here” that i had in the next month? maybe! and uhhh i listened a lot to the phoenix te amo album. that one wasnt tied to anything at all but i have heard it So much. super short and also rock solid and relistenable. and then here we are and the bmc obcr is a gift to the world b/c a) it exists and b) Cuz It All Slaps and c) it’s so fun to either sing or dance along, or cry along if it’s the agtikbi reprise and d) lgw... and e) all the eternal, well-mixed wroland vocals

3) favorite memes?

oh god lmao idk......real earlier 10s stuff was the I Say Hey he-man meme, and the “that really rustles my jimmies” meme which was real underrated......there’s been plenty of Memes where i’ve been like “this one is funny to me Every Time” but of course now looking back on it it’s like. what’s a meme??? Vine

(skipping 5 & 11 cuz that’s the Entirety of someone else’s ask and i don’t wanna just have to scrap theirs completely and i’ll get to it next!!)

11) favorite fanarts?

you know what, there’s continuously been a ton of amazing fanart where i’m like, i’m so glad i’m seeing this, & this is Artistic Fuel, and marge simpson anime has really been just this Standout Experience lmao like......idk for as Inspiring as it is, there’s only a couple things i’ve drawn that are Directly inspired, but i just flip for it all the time and like, it’s supremely expressive and like, comics that aren’t chronological but more like a Collage Of a Moment / Concept which i think is super cool and also i love when stuff reminds me that it doesn’t have to look ~super cleaned up~ to look great.

13) favorite people you know?

oh god this one really got out of control lol i started like, talking about everyone ever from this past decade. so for Convenience i’m interpreting this as “people *i* know, but they don’t know me” so that i can cheat and say will roland, voted person of the year 2019. by extension, essential supporting crew who helped us reach this point, like john simpkins or joe iconis. leave it at that!! it’s 5am and you know i’m not lying. who knew where going “wow, This guy” in late 2018 would have so much Value.

17) a fandom you wish more people were in/you had more people to talk to about?

oof hmm.......amnesia tdd didn’t really have a “fandom” even though it obviously got a lot of attention, it’dve been fun if it had though lol. it’s tricky to answer this one cuz i always prefer like, smaller fandoms and/or finding the Niche or some other way of just like, interacting with a small corner of things, so i’m never like wow god damn wish i’d been absolutely in the thick of it with this thing. i’ve been in Corners n Niches and it’s been fine by me, really

19) a fandom that you had the best time in?

HMM lol.........marble hornets sure was fun but like, a lot of that was just the content itself and not necessarily The Fan Experience, tho i sure got a lot out of it in a ton of ways. i mean tbh that’s true of each thing i’ve really Gotten Into majorly, i go hard af and then walk out the other side with these #connections or #experiences like whoa where’d these come from lol!! but really like, overall, i’m probably having the best time right now. the “fandom” is basically just our agenda lmao but like i said i’m always having the best time when it’s a pretty niche deal, And the sheer variety of Contents n Characters to draw from here is super nice, and the fact that it’s like, oh yeah and i’m finally recognizing this should’ve-been-obvious entire Passionne i’ve had since always, and that’s great too, and like, also just having the Variety Of Live / Current Unfoldings that go down.....like, everyone havin fun with the Joe Iconis Xmas Xtrav was entirely great. and just the Engagement level is basically the best, cuz like there’s the times where maybe i’ll get a zillion notes and that’s definitely fun in its own way but i always enjoy just the way smaller amount of ppl who are Particularly Enthusiastic, and like, there’s times where like, maybe i’m *technically* in this larger circle of ppl but like, totally more of like a Tangent or peripheral to that circle or whatever lol........this feels like a really solid balance of like, being sorta in this orbit of people in a chill way, but also definitely the direct interactions Existing, which is always important lol but hasn’t always been a constant throughout my Fandom Experiences at all

23) who were you at the beginning of this decade?

2009-2010 was a real distinct year lol i was in my second year of college in the middle of my teens, when i’d hardly really been getting to Explore My Interests Freely up to that point and still wasn’t, but all of a sudden it’s like goddamn i have to figure out my major???? and i’m like, obviously in the middle of only just now Really getting to figure out my identity in this deeper and more genuine way, thanks to being lucky enough to Live On Campus and be away from home like, 2/3 of the year, but i was just like, oh god i’m in Stress Hell now all the time cuz like. i’m trying to figure out my whole thing and what my ~Career~ should be and i just have no idea but am like, trying super hard all the time lol it was not successful and i was just really stressed about it all the time. i was def quieter back then.....pretty lonely at the time, i did not get into mh and gain the presence of any Online Friends until late 2010, and i hadn’t yet been sort of accepted by a small faction of theatre people via my roommate’s connections.....i wasn’t at all Out yet, and was def In Progress of figuring it all out.....i didn’t have nearly the Self-Esteem i have now lmao, it was Not a great time and in a lot of ways ‘09-’10 was the start of a downturn into Worse Than Usual Times, though in Other ways it was definitely an upturn lol like. the latter related to stuff that was important to me / who i am, the former tied to the situations i was in and the godawful morale that resulted

29) a time when the worst case scenario happened but you pulled through?

well by the end of 2012 i had my Wrath Parent deluxe mad at me big time, AND i was stuck at home all of thee time with that (not at all hours but. every day.) it was terrible!!! tf was going on in 2013, cuz that shit was definitely like, a gross blur of a lot of indistinct misery. and then, relatedly, when it was so shitty in 2015 that i was like fantastic, i am so officially sick of this i’m outta here. i revisited some Misery Posts from that period lately for someone stranger on twitter’s project or something, and boy i was having a bad time Summer Of ‘15 lol, things not getting better at home And a job that was so shitty that it was like..................bye. lol. and then i spent a year living out of a minivan. which was real lucky in ways b/c like. infinitely better than if i had not had that minivan. and when that broke down i was also then lucky enough to have this friend who was relatively nearby who’d also been willing to just like, set me up to Not have to ask the lgbt center where that trans-friendly forest zone a couple cities over was. nothing as dramatic as it could’ve been, fortunately

31) a time you were scared?

hmmm when leaving The Parents Home overnight, that was intimidating. bit of completely jumping into the unknown there, and also like, when you spend your lifetime assuming that Someone’s Arbitrary Wrath will be uponst you always, it’s hard to shake that sense of dread and doom, like ah jeez i am really potentially bringing hell on myself here........and like i mentioned with Start Of The Decade, there was just a ton of fear there all the time lol, trying to figure out virtually overnight The Whole Of Who I Am And What I Want when i’d only just even gotten to start......also i wanna say i maybe came out in 2011?? and i sort of also felt obligated to come out to my parents also (plus i think i was giving them like, one last chance to surprise me and be decent and kind of Grow Up themselves even tho i was the like, 16 y.o.) which yknow, kids you do not have to come out to anyone at all. someone was talking the other day abt how they didn’t think lgbtq “discourse” had evolved as much as you’d hope over the past decade, but idk about that, it's only a little bit of a wildly complex topic, and for starters Online Trans “Discourse” of a decade back was wayyyyyy in a vastly different place than it is now, leaps and strides really. so the way to ~really~ do it was presented kind of more rigidly i think. anyways i did it via email and was incredibly stressed to even open the reply a couple days later lol......which ended up being really weird and vague, and then there was a phone call where no one brought it up, and the only result was increased ire and resentment :( ........and then there was still like, cops encounters! near or not-as-bad-as-they-could’ve-been vehicular collisions! but tbh generally my reaction to the latter was underwhelming, except for one particular time when i was a passenger and also tense af for the rest of the ride. that’s it for Immediate fear really lol......oh wait one time i was at this decent sized Convention Panel Event and when i’m nervous i can Only talk more (it’s possible!!) and i snuck into line for the q&a and Right when i got to the mic (intimidating) they were like oop we’re low on time, lightning round!! :’] that was obviously more just a crapton of l’anxiete

37) a fashion that fell out of style that you wish would make a resurgence?

were Gladiator sandals this decade? the strappy deals that like, went up the ankles / calves? that was in fashion for a year or two and i’m into it. i like sandals and that kind of drama

41) something you learned a lot that not a lot of other people might know about?

i don’t know that i learned way a lot of anything that’s real in-depth knowledge and niche lore.........i have learned Nothing

43) an important relationship (of any kind) you had?

i had???? lmao well either way let’s say current relationships count and like, pretty much everyone in my Sphere i value a lot! i never like, have or have had a ~close~ ring of ppl around me lol like i thought it was lucky if i talked to someone Every Day (and not at all the Usual thing) and now it’s more likely that i talk to two people every day and maybe that sounds sarcastic but it’s not at all lol. i know my social stats aren’t impressive but i so appreciate what i get to enjoy and have. and other Connections might be way more like, we are friendly acquaintances, we talk on rare occasions, we haven’t talked at all in ages, we talk but only to trade cute pics of cats, Etc etc, but i seriously do appreciate all of everyone who’s cool who i get to interact with in any way and like, be in each other’s spheres and Not just like, absolutely on nobody’s radar. also obviously soph you are here in that list in case i wasn’t implying it good enough lol it is 5am and god knows deciphering what i say at any time can be its own challenge.....ur Epic Highs and Lows of bmc 3.0 is so good lmao

[6ad6ro]

um so… i woke up thinking of this old friend. she was like best friends w my bad ex? like i used to hang out w her like crazy. she was rly nice? mostly? tho she def had this issue where she didn’t rly know what she wanted in life. and let other ppls warped judgements of “how ppl should act” rub off on her.

like i remember times she would more or less call me a lazy piece of shit to my face. like it was somehow “understood”? but then i’d be like “why are u calling me that?” and she wouldn’t know. bc it wasn’t her actual opinion. she liked who i was. idk she was just rly confused. i think her brother was a cop. her dad was emotionally neglecting and like conservative or militant? i remember her always wanting to smoke pot but also saying “drugs are bad™”. she was someone who u could tell always wanted to be free but was held back by the opinions of the people around her.

especially her on again off again bf? i… didn’t like him. he wanted to grow up to be a politician. he only listened to classic rock. he looked and acted like a conservative wanabee eric foreman from that 70s show, but somehow even worse. he had her convinced that her dream was to be “a loving housewife”… it made me sick. i remember how he tried to convince her to stop hanging out w her best friend and me JUST bc she smoked pot. bc “she was an evil hippie and bad”. i mean tbh she SHOULD have stopped hanging out w my bad ex, but for completely dif reasons. like he was def that kinda guy. a selfish, immature, stubborn, self-righteous idiot. but he was the first guy to ever rly like her. and she had… self esteem issues. i remember how she would… was always waiting for him to decide to wanna go out w her. she seemed so lonely.

her and i were kinda friends separately from my bad ex (lets call her “A”). so one time i remember she ended up coming over to hang w me n watch rocky horror in my room? it was rly fun tbh!! we were having a great time! it was totally innocent! but i remember at one point she like… got weird. got up. and was like “im sorry i think i’m being a bad person i gotta go”. and left? i didn’t get it at the time? or rather… i think i denied it. she clearly liked me, wanted something to happen that night, and felt like a bad friend for having those thoughts. i never asked her about it but looking back it was p obvious. also A was a control freak n just a bad person… so i wouldn’t be surprised if she told L to stay away from me. even tho A was constantly cheating on me n using everyone around her etc. idk it was complicated.

i also remember another time before her and that guy that became her bf (lets call her “l” and him “m”)… i remember there was some small party at my house and for some horribly embarrassing reason my bad ex (we were still together then) convinced me to mess around w her under a blanket in same room as our other friends? we were all v v drunk. i guess it made others in room feel v lonely n so L and this other girl started like… both making out w the one other guy in the room? it was bizarre. that kind of stuff is fine in some circumstances? but this was rly unhealthy. i remember the guy felt bad and told the other girl he had to stop bc he had always rly liked L and wanted to see where things would go w her? other girl said she was fine w it (and knowing her persona it easily was?) and he ended up napping on floor w L. next day i think she woke up, completely regretted what happened, and ran back to M. it kinda sucked for guy bc he rly cared about her but she never even was willing to talk about what had happened. to her it was just a drunken mistake (i knew she kinda liked him back but obv she was scared).

even w all that stuff, L was a constant member of our hangout group for like… 7 or 8 years straight? idk! it was always rly fun w her! even if, looking back, A constantly was ruining all our fun w her insane bullshit. i have fond memories of 3am park hangouts n just roaming around talking n going on adventures… i’d never cheat on a partner. never have, never will. but i think i did have like… feelings for L that i always ignored? that part of her that… wanted freedom? from those weird family’s/bf’s/society’s ideals that she let chain her down? it was attractive. she was a nice person just doin her best.

anyways i remember around when A and i finally broke up for good (only a month after my dad died, if u wanna know how awful of a person A was). and she ended up taking me aside n warning me that A had been cheating on w me w another guy, but it’d gotten serious w him. and A of course was lying and stringing me along so she could get money n sex from me etc. A using me was p common. but L had had enough and “betrayed A” (did a v nice thing) and told me. i think that was… really what set in motion A and i being done for good. that helped wake me up about what a horrible person A was. and had always been. i’ll always be grateful to L for that. that must’ve been hard for her. and i think her and A’s like 10 year friendship died over that. which rly was a good thing like A was a terrible person.

anyways fast forward like 2? 3?? 4 years? L had gone off to a college out of state w her boyfriend M. she… followed him around. no judgement, but it prob wasn’t good for her. i was in an apartment in another city and me and A had been DONE™ for years. i was still def hurt from the 8+ years of abuse, but i was def over her at least. seeing other ppl regularly. it was def a weird time for me but… that’s another story.

L and i hadn’t rly talked in years. i just didn’t rly associate w ppl A still hung around. i never knew her and L had stopped being friends or i prob woulda kept up w L. i don’t think L and i cut off contact on purpose, but it was just one if those “things”. but L hit me up outta the blue. was like “ back in town do u wanna hang?” and we did! it was rly nice seeing her! we went out and about. idk. we started hanging for a bit. but she… idk she clearly rly enjoyed my company? but also… had those weird judgements. idk.

one time we were hanging and she was at my place and saw all the alcohol i had layin around and was like “hey uhhh can i have some?” and i was like “hehe okay i guess we can drink” and ordered a pizza and we just hung out.

idk but before we got drunk she finally told me why she was back. M, the guy she had followed to college, had done the gross, stereotypical dude thing of breaking up w her right after they both graduated. i got a vibe he had been cheating on her all throughout too. he rly was the type. and as we drank we talked about it. i felt so bad for her. she vented all night. and idk all i remember was we were both v drunk and i think i was… idk why my head was in her lap? but she was playing w my hair. and idk. we kissed. things happened. she seemed so happy w it! i was too. i even stupidly cracked a joke “i bet A would be rly pissed if she saw us rn” and we both laughed. i always regretted sayin it tho bc its not like i was doin it to get back at A.

but i remember we were in my bed making out bc i had accidentally gotten aggressive w her n slammed her into a wall n started kissing her? so hard her nose started bleeding? i felt awful but she LOOOVED it and idk we somehow wound up in bed. idk i kinda regret this. bc… i was having a hard time around then and… just sleeping w all my friends? it just became… clockwork. i would do what i thought my friends wanted me to do regardless of how i felt. i had become kinda a slut.

so i remember like… making out but then i started to escalate things? and i think fir a split second she sobered up and was like “wait lets cool this down a little”. and i was like “okay no prob” and we both tried to go for a walk n find a park? we walked hand in hand and she kept telling me how happy she was? like how… this was the kinda stuff M would never do with her? she was just smiling a lot. it was cute. but i was so drunk n still fairly new to area, so i took her in wrong direction from the park. we ended up giving up n just walking back.

we got back in and thats i think when she sobered up mostly but i wad still out of it? and she realised her dog hadn’t been fed. it was def a partial excuse but she rly loved that dog so i could tell it was REAL guilt. i felt bad bc i tried to take her hand n go back into my room bc i wanted her to stay n cuddle? i was just drunk. i wasn’t forceful, but i shoulda been like “oh that’s fine!” but tbh i was also a touch worried she was too drunk to drive. well anyways… she left.

later we did have a looong talk about it. like… she ended up going to try and get back with M again (i still will never know what she saw in him like he rly used her n treated her bad like even going so far as to ask her advice on dating other girls after they broke up). but idk i thought she was smart enough to end things w him, and could tell her and i had feelings, so i tried to stay a lil closer than friends? idk what i told her but it was along the lines of “we can stay friends but if things happen sometimes it’s okay w me”. i look back on it w embarrassment but i guess it wasn’t that bad a thing to say?

but rly it was mostly a drunken mistake. and she was scared. and wanted to cut it off. she couldn’t end things w M like she was still torally in love w him even tho he had abandoned her. tbh i know what that’s like. well anyways i remember a few hangouts later she just… bailed on me? in a rly mean way? i had gone to pick her up from her house (idk 30 min drive each way) and she just… totally stood me up. i was parked at her house like texting her wondering where she was? and she sent me a text like “sorry something came up”. and wouldn’t tell me what happened and i got annoyed and drove home.

i have a feeling now that like M had… shown back up in her life and she sorta… threw me away to run back to him? i mean i can’t take it too personally bc she woulda done that to ANYONE. i don’t remember what happened after that but we just stopped talking again. i saw later on fb that her and M had gotten engaged or married?? idek? idk if her and i are still fb friends or if one of us blocked the other or what? i don’t remember.

but idk. i hope she’s well. i hope M got WAYYY better. or she left him. or idk. i wouldn’t even know how to contact her. i’m almost afraid to. like bc i… could see her giving up on her dreams and just being that housewife to him. even if she was mildly content doing that, i know she’d never be happy. and it’s so unlikely that he’d have grown to be good to her. i just… hope she’s doing well and is okay and happy. idk why i woke up worrying about her. it’s been so long… i’m such a dif person now. idk. time is weird.

[fuckmaniknowbuthey]

i took 3 grams of magic mushrooms & saw ghost in the shell (rupert sanders, 2017)

ramblyyyyyyy but here we go

- not an adaptation of the oshii film or the manga and a distressing amount of dipshit fans & critics will scorn it for this but fuck 'em - very very aware of the multiple schools of thought on ghost in the shell (in conceptual reverence as much as aesthetic, this was clearly a film made by ppl who had intimately explored the possibilities of ghost in the shell & decided that this would be the most palatable configuration for an american audience in 2017 - the script, as a consequence mostly of the "for an american audience in 2017", is very banal & while it respects franchise legacy & prior characterizations it is also A Superhero Origin Story so that scarjo can have a non-marvel franchise BUT as a standalone film aside from the screenplay's cloying ambitions of franchise-building it is very good & enjoyable - kin very much 2 johnny mnemonic & for more reasons than just being a highly polarizing hollywood attempt at cyberpunk w/ a prominent beat takeshi supporting part, it has that same strange glee abt taking the big studio budget and going "now let's tease out past/present/future of an aesthetic", it's a film built entirely in its tiny little details (costuming, set design, the general dreamlike vibe, the sound editing, physical gestures) - scarjo is amazing in this!! i am generally not a fan but her interpretation of motoko kusanagi is fucking fascinating & weird & very much in the spirit of standalone complex's ver. of motoko (not quite at that level of brashly confident & comfortable yet, but possessing the same intensity & directness); she approaches the idea of "playing a robot" like, not just as "oh i've gotta be clumsy w/ my speech & motions + not emote very much" but instead like, genuinely behaving in a kind of alien impression of what "humanity" is??? like it's not even the usual sort of "robot that wishes it was real" shit, like she's hostile & inscrutable in affect in all moments where she isn't being hostile & there are so many weird little facial twitches + bits of odd body language she uses 2 communicate this is idea of like, struggling w/ being a constructed version of human rather than an authentic person and the arc is that she kinda just makes peace w/ the idea that she was once a person and now she isn't but she still retains like, this faint shred of this prior experience + she'll use it as fuel 2 live her new one fully in the terms afforded her, it's fucking weirdly heavy-lifting in acting terms for what plays out in plot beats as basically just tryna chum up ghost in the shell's whole franchise history into a post-raimi superhero origin story - the scene w/ the prostitute that's been in every trailer since the earliest teasers is a great moment for showcasing this performance's general vibes in a nutshell, she's like...not just doing bog-standard "oh wow this is a real human, how i'd love 2 be her" sorta wistful detachment, she's forceful + very fixated on how tactile & real the other woman is, like she wants 2 touch her not because she doesn't understand touch or the form of a face or the nature of skin but because she has an intense hunger for her original human perceptions of these ideas and she's got 2 find a way 2 reconcile this w/ her new body in a tangible way instead of just intellectualizing it - michael pitt's hideo kuze on the flip feels very much like a gimmick performance, but it's also a fun one: he's working w/ a lot of the same basic themes, but like cast as a villain for the bulk of it he's gotta dumb the shit down 2 shtick + so he's got the prosthetics & CGI freak body + he does a max headroom meets microsoft sam voice and he screams clumsily w/ every mannerism "I WAS HUMAN, I FEEL THAT I MAY STILL BE, BUT THAT I AM UNSURE I AM HUMAN IS AN IRRECONCILABLE TRAUMA" but he's fuckin' michael pitt so he's having a lot of fun w/ it and it's an interesting contrast of scarlett fucking johansson doing this very subtle character work while pitt's ham monologuing w/ scratched CD stutter tics at her from under cover of darkness - like seriously fuck this dumb screenplay it's very trite but unhelpful 2 focus on cuz this is a film that functions on so many more levels in ways that are compelling - the action is cool, riffing a lot on the peppier moments of oshii's films + kazuchika kise's arise OVA series but never just settling for carbon copy, uses 3D well (reminded me a lot of the sense of texture & movement & space in tron: legacy, which is a tragically overlooked film that maybe just doesn't work quite right outside of a theatre unfortunately) - pilou asbaek's batou is surprisingly good, i had him written off as far 2 generic action man but like he clearly did his research, his batou has a heart & a sense of humor & he absolutely has the body + the voice necessary 2 pull this character off (he manages 2 make the inherent goofiness of rendering batou's tiny camera eyes as a real thing on a person totally workable by having batou be proud as fuck of his augments & not remotely uncomfortable at the notion of them as a replacement for his real eyes, which considering they give him a dramatic "he got hurt on the job" moment after introducing him 2 the audience as a dude w/ normal eyes is cool & not corny cuz any other fucking film would've milked this for a subplot where batou could go "MAJOR, I ALSO FEEL YOUR PAIN, FOR I LOST MY EYES AND THEY GAVE ME ROBOT ONES, THAT'S JUST LIKE LOSING YR HUMANITY, RIGHT??" and that would've sucked) - beat takeshi gets way more screentime than you'd expect and as much as his performance is very much just him Doing His Thing that's honestly an ideal vibemarriage for the daisuke aramaki character + this also feels like a corrective 2 how sloppily he was used in johnny mnemonic hahaha like hollywood just karmically owed this dude one and he finally got it - chin han is a very good togusa, like all incarnations of togusa tho he gets fuckin' paltry screentime compared 2 everyone else and he also is just there 2 be like "he's the normal guy who is a pretty good cop" which is a downright shame - the rest of section 9 all feel like characters who are begging for a sequel and/or spinoff 2 rly flesh out proper but that also means they serve in a perfect capacity for fulfilling both the superhero origin shit (give you a hook 2 intice you 2 dig deeper) and also just like the general cool fringe sci-fi genre piece vibes (everyone looks badass, there's some neat little distinct tic or visual quirk on top of said general badassness that makes you think "maaaan i wanna see more of this guy" which fucking like all of these movies have, like again johnny mnemonic, that's an entire film of characters like that) - i love the retrofuturist plastic shell cars, it's extraordinarily "some high school kid's loving blade runner fanart" but it's executed w/ a respectable unwinking nature abt its whole shit, like it doesn't try 2 make this like the slick CGI ver. of a retrofuturist plastic shell car, it's just a shitty old car w/ hyper-stylized plastic shell on it hahaha - most of the spider-tank scene pales in comparison 2 mitsuo iso's beautifully animated take from the oshii flick but the actual exact sequence where motoko breaks 2 pieces prying the tank open is fucking gorgeous & riffs on iso + oshii's original work sublimely w/o just straight-up jacking it (this is a moment where the 3D rly shines, the frantic swaying of the arm as the last tendons shred and it pops off)

overall this was dumb as fuck but very gorgeous & kept compelling by performances that are strong & play well w/ the genre elements