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sehnsuchts-trunken · 2 years

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Much like a boomerang, I have returned once again to request some headcanons!!

So the other day I asked you for those headcanons with a reader who has chronic pain, right? And I was wondering if you could do some but specifically with Lancelot 🥺

omg absolutely, I would never turn down Lancelot headcanons (but you have to prepare because they're probably gonna be romantic lol, if you didnt have that in mind I'm sorry!!)

(I hate that this turns into dots for some reason now, literally wtf, let me be in peace) Definitely picks up on the clues that are there even before you've told him about it. Like, he's straight up gonna take your hand and ask you what's up if he can see that you're somehow in pain but not talking about it.

At the start, he's very, very, very concerned. He can see that you're in pain, but you're not talking about it, and he can't spot any blood, so he's overthinking what the fuck could be wrong. But instead of just thinking and thinking, the second he can manage to get you alone (it's very important to him not to just address it if you're obviously trying to not make it a big thing) he asks. He knows that it won't help either of you if he doesn't.

If you don't want to tell him, he'll accept it, but he definitely wont stop looking out for more and more signs of pain you display. If at any point he believes it's getting too bad, he'll ask again. And again. But only when he actually deems it that important - and if you don't want to tell him regardless of that, the thing he'll do is talk to Gaius. Not behind your back necessarily, but just if he sees you're hurting and you're not telling him anything, and you seem like it actually impacts your life at the moment, he will talk to Gaius about him taking a look at you. Professionally, because Lancelot knows that he himself can't diagnose anything.

If you do decide to tell him at some point, he definitely takes his time to listen and understand. It's not hard for him to do that; I mean, honestly, he's had bad injuries in his time, I'd be worried whether he's immortal as well if he didn't sometimes have injuries hurting that should've already healed long ago. And this means that first of all, he can relate, and also he's just deeply understanding. Literally he will listen and ask some questions about how you want to proceed and then it'll just be,, there for him the way it is for you.

That's the thing about Lancelot: He makes everything unbelievably easy. It's wonderful. He'll take your hand and kiss your head once and listen to you explain what you want him to do. And what you don't want him to do. And then he'll continue to do exactly that and he won't forget a single thing.

In general, whenever it comes up in conversations, he's good at catching the topic and the right moment and asking every other month if anything's changed about the way you want him handling it. Just to make sure that you're still fine.

Tons of nightly talks when you can't sleep. Not even just because of pain, but in general. Like if you need a distraction from the pain, he's also there to talk and to touch and to ground, but even when the two of you just can't sleep, hours of talking. hours. Taking turns telling each other stuff... it never gets lonely with him.

Would support you in any way he could in general, no matter whether that's reminding you to take your meds, holding you when you're in too much pain, talking and distracting you or carrying you to Gaius bridal style. This man will do anything. Anything. No fucking limits for you. Anything. I can't stress this enough.

Will gladly soothe you, first of all in the way he knows he'd want to be soothed, and then later on in the ways he knows you'd like to be soothed. Which means that if you don't like hairbrushing and braiding I might just murder you. Let him do your hair. Let him brush his fingers through it. Let him be happy.

I actually think this is what I can come up with for now- I'd like to be able to tell whether these are enough for my perfectionism but I cant because tumblr changed some weird stuff about the font and my brain isn't able to process that

#lancelot #lancelot headcanons #lancelot x reader #merlin #merlin headcanons #bbc merlin #bbc merlin lancelot #bbc merlin headcanons

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livebloggingmydescentintomadness · 3 years

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Hi, random but I was scrolling down ur blog and saw a post u reblogged saying something like 'don't be afraid of failure, be afraid of being in the same spot next year' and I know this was supposed to be a nice msg but it made me feel even worse because it has been my own situation the past few years and is my worst fear for the next. I didn't make a lot of efforts to change it and I hate being passive and depressed like this. Ik t wasnt your post but ig I wanted to talk to someone about it

hey there hon. believe me, i completely understand what you're saying. i'm disabled bad enough that i've been housebound for more than a decade, and i spend most of my time bedbound due to chronic fatigue and chronic pain.

i wasn't able to go to college, i've never been able to have a job, i don't really have a lot going for me. i pretty much spend all my energy surviving and distracting myself from depression and anxiety. i don't know if my life is ever going to be anything more than surviving and distraction.

however, while i completely under seeing that post and interpreting as the 'big' things in life you can't change, like a job or relationship, when i reblogged it i was thinking about the small things that you do have the power to change.

i hope that a year from now, i've grown as a person. i hope i'm wiser, i hope i'm kinder, i hope i've learned new things, i hope i've recovered a little more from the shit i've been through. i hope that i've consumed more art and learned more about the world, whether the things that i've learned are deemed 'important' to capitalism or not. i hope i've written more, even if they're things no one will ever read.

like i said, i have a lot of health troubles, and a big thing right now is that i officially have metabolic syndrome (my insulin is very high), and my blood sugar is dancing on the edge of diabetes. type 2 diabetes runs in my family, but i really want to do everything possible to avoid it. so right now i'm trying really, really hard to eat better, which means cooking as much as i'm able, and i'm trying to exercise that tiny bit my body allows before i overshoot and hurt myself.

i've been doing pushups against my sink countertop, and yesterday i was able to do 12 with perfect form! not so long ago i could only do about 6. in the past month, i did a yoga routine for the first time in years.

i also hope that in a year i'll have started seeing a psychiatrist like i've been meaning to for 3 months already, where i hope to get an official adhd diagnosis and get my meds better sorted out. i think getting my adhd treated would probably make a big difference in my mental health and ability to function.

for a healthy, abled, neurotypical person... all that wouldn't amount to a lot of progress for one year. but for me? it's all i'm capable of. and fuck, dude, if all i have are inches compared to other people's miles, then i'm just gonna have to crawl those inches as best i can.

if i'm a few inches further one year from now, it'll be better than not moving an inch at all.

#advice #anonymous #ask

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gins-potter · 4 years

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everything will be alright (with you by my side)

@halzekrhodestead sent me these requests literally a million years ago and i’m just now getting around to filling them. sorry about the wait and i hope you enjoy it! yes i know will didn’t do emergency medicine in nyc i just decided to retcon that

Will’s skin practically crawls at the sound of the elegant string music floating out of the ballroom at the top of the stairs. The music is nice enough he supposes, but Will’s never been able to hear violins and not be reminded of the vibrant, boisterous music his mother had filled their home with when he was a child. But maybe it’s not the music at all that sets his teeth on edge, but rather the people lining up to enter the gala, who shed their coats to reveal expensive tuxedos and glamorous dresses. Maybe it’s the glasses of champagne they accept as they step inside, the liquid surely the rarest of vintages and served in undoubtedly crystal flutes.

Beside them, in the tux he’s had since med school, and the tie Connor gave him before they even started dating, Will feels more than a little lackluster.

But, he rationalises to himself, he never did understand the point of hosting a charity event if you were going to blow tens of thousands of dollars just throwing the damn thing. But he knows the cause is important to his boyfriend, so in a surprisingly un-Will-like fashion, he resists the urge to make a comment about it, and instead pastes a pleasant smile on his face. Because after all, he’s not here to make waves; he’s here to be a buffer with a pretty face and make the night as painless as possible.

At least that’s the way Will remembers Connor phrasing it.

Speaking of, beside him Connor takes a deep, shuddering breath as they reach the top of the stairs and the wide double door entrance looms ahead. Pausing at the threshold, Connor slips his hand into Will’s and squeezes gently.

“Hey,” he murmurs, tracing the back of Will’s hand with his thumb. “Thanks for being here?”

Will feels his lips twitch up into a genuine smile despite his surroundings, and says, “Yeah well, you promised you’d do that thing with your tongue that I like if I came, so…”

The words surprise a laugh out of Connor, and he shoots Will a grateful look, before squaring his shoulders, as if emboldened by the exchange and leading his boyfriend inside. Will sighs a little and accepts a glass of champagne, figuring he’s going to need it.

Into the lion’s den they go.

The night starts off well enough, all things considered.

Having been away from the whole scene for so long, Connor is almost immediately swarmed by artificially eager socialites who want all the details on what he’s been up to in recent years. Will watches his boyfriend’s face and knows him well enough to know when he needs to step in and gently shift the subject matter, or when Connor genuinely likes the other person and he can sip his exorbitantly priced champagne and let the conversation wash over him.

His southside accent sticks out like a sore thumb amongst the other guest's polished speech but Will plays it to his favour, working the ‘blue-collar boy who put himself through med school’ angle that they lap up like some of their expensive wine. His father would spit if could see him, and Will hates himself a little bit for doing it, their condescending smiles stoking the embers of that anger. But all it takes is to see the gratefulness in Connor’s eyes to know it’s worth it, and he stamps out those embers enough that they don’t become a raging inferno. Besides, by the pressure of a hand on his lower back, Will can tell that Connor knows exactly what he’s doing and will make it well worth his time when they’re back in their apartment.

They even survive the, thankfully brief, exchange with Connor’s father, it being the first time they’ve met in the year that Will and Connor have been together. It’s polite, and it’s pleasant, and they smile for the benefit of the other guests milling around, but Will doesn’t miss the disapproving glint that enters Cornelius Rhodes’s eyes when Connor introduces him as his boyfriend. And it doesn’t go unnoticed by him either that Connor introduces him as ‘Will’, but Cornelius manages to call him ‘William’ - something even his own father never calls him - a grand total of six times in the space of their three minute conversation.

It makes Will wonder which is a bigger affront to Cornelius: that his son is dating a man, or that he’s dating someone who doesn’t come with a trust fund.

But despite it all they manage to survive the few minutes that the encounter lasts for until Cornelius gets pulled away by another guest and they can escape to the other side of the ballroom. It would have been ideal to avoid him completely, but as a main benefactor of the gala, Cornelius was well and truly in the spotlight, and people would surely talk if the two Rhodes men ignored each other all evening. That was certainly the reason, Connor mutters to Will as they hightail it out of there, that Cornelius had sought them out; it simply would not do for the Rhodes’ to be talked about for anything other than their roaring financial success.

But all in all the evening is going well. Connor works the crowd with Will at his side, charming smile firmly in place as he convinces many of the other guests to sign over large swathes of money to the National Alliance on Mental Illness. Connor chats to friends of his late mother, runs into old classmates from high school, and even gets dragged onto the dance floor by his sister. And despite his father’s looming presence, Will can tell his boyfriend is actually starting to enjoy himself.

Which is why he feels comfortable enough to leave Connor in the hands of his sister and escape into a hallway off the ballroom when he overhears a young socialite complain to her friend about the darling little yacht her father refuses to buy her.

What’s a mere three million dollars after all?

He just needs to take a breath away from the music and the lights and the people. But he’s not there for more than a few minutes, when a figure appears at the other end of the hallway, striding towards him.

“Mr Rhodes,” Will says, once he recognises him in the dim lighting. He straightens, and pushes off the wall, a bad feeling growing in the pit of his stomach.

“William Halstead,” Cornelius says slowly, a dangerous smile on his face. Something about the way he says Will’s name has the hair on the back of his neck standing up, and his suspicions are confirmed when Cornelius doesn’t waste time with pleasantries. “William Halstead. Born to Pat and Shannon Halstead, a construction worker and kindergarten teacher from Canaryville. One brother named Jay who was first an Army Ranger and is now a detective with the Chicago Police Department. You went to college out of state, was involved in aid work in Sudan, before studying emergency medicine in New York. You came back to Chicago on a whim to visit your brother, were briefly accused of murder before later being cleared, and decided to move back permanently when you were offered a position at the Gaffney Chicago Medical Center.”

The champagne flute in Will’s hand groans under his tightening grip, but he manages a guarded smile as he says, “I see you’ve looked me up.”

“Oh, I’ve done more than look you up,” Cornelius says ominously. “Which is why I know that despite your best efforts you were unable to secure a scholarship, and the two jobs you worked through medical school barely dented your student loans. So, let’s cut to the chase, William, how much will it take?”

Will blinks, and then laughs uncomfortably, unable, or perhaps unwilling to understand what Cornelius is trying to imply. “I’m sorry, how much will what take?”

Cornelius exhales sharply, as if perturbed by having to explain himself. “How much money will it take to get you to walk away from my son and never look back?”

The words cut like a blade through Will’s chest and his next breath comes out strangled and ragged. “I don’t-”

Cornelius spreads his hands, cutting Will off with ease. “Look, I’m a reasonable man. And I can be very generous when I want to be. Those loans of yours could be taken care of with a single phone call.”

Will seethes at the arrogance of the man before him, and at both the idea of someone being able to clear eight years worth of accumulated debts with half a thought, and at the implication that there was a sum of money large enough to get Will to walk away from Connor.

When he doesn’t answer, Cornelius continues. “I know about you, William, I know your background, and I know that you and my son come from two very different worlds. And I know that when I pass on and my son inherits the empire two generations of Rhodes’ men have built, he’ll do so with someone of the correct social standing by his side. Someone,” he adds, eyeing Will with open disgust. “Who is able to provide a natural continuation of the Rhodes’ line.”

“So,” Will says, realising that he being a man and a poor kid from Canaryville are equal sins in Cornelius’ eyes. “It doesn’t matter to you that your son might be miserable as long as he marries someone you deem socially acceptable?”

Cornelius shrugs carelessly. “I’m sure Connor will be upset for a while, he always was a…. sensitive child.” His lips pull back, more a bearing of his teeth than a true smile. “But I’m also sure that he’ll get over it eventually, and come to realise that I’m right. Hell, he might even thank me for it one day.”

Will wants to tell him that there’s a better chance of hell freezing over than of that happening, but Cornelius has already continued talking.

“So, all that’s left to be settled is the price. Name it and it’s yours.”

Here, Will has to laugh. And not just an awkward or polite chuckle, but a real laugh, the first he’s uttered all night. He laughs, and laughs harder, when Cornelius’s expression becomes pinched.

“Oh, you really thought that because I was still standing here and listening, you were actually going to be able to pay me off?”

Cornelius tries to smile again, but it’s lacking it’s earlier swagger. “‘Pay off’ is such an ugly term, isn’t it? I prefer to think of this as a business deal. One that you would be very stupid to turn down. So be reasonable, William.”

But Will shrugs, grinning effortlessly. “No one has ever accused me of being all that smart. And reasonable? Me being reasonable is walking away from you right now instead of introducing you to the Canaryville version of a no.”

Will idly cracks the knuckles of his right hand, and feels a dark satisfaction when Cornelius’s gaze drops to the hand still hanging by his side. But he doesn’t curl that hand into a fist, doesn’t let himself draw back his elbow and let the punch fly, no matter how good it might feel in the moment. No, instead he just shoves both hands into his suit pockets, shoots Cornelius one more careless grin, and starts to stroll back down the hallway.

“You’re going to regret this, William.”

He almost turns back, but decides it’s not worth it. Besides, he really doesn’t think he is.

Connor is blessedly alone when Will steps back into the ballroom. He hands his glass, still half full, to a passing server with a nod of thanks and beelines for his boyfriend, slipping an arm around his waist and pressing a kiss to his temple when he gets there.

“Hey,” Connor says, leaning into him. “Where did you go?”

“Just out for a breather.” He pauses, then says, “Ran into your father, had an interesting conversation.”

Connor’s eyes darken and he starts to pull away. “What did he say?”

Will huffs a breath of a laugh and tightens his grip, preventing him from leaving. “Nothing. Well, nothing important anyway,” he allows when Connor clearly doesn’t buy it.

He’ll tell him eventually, it’s not the kind of thing he can keep from Connor. But later, when they’re in the privacy of their home, and there’s no chance of Connor ruining a charity gala named in his mother’s honour by punching his father in front of a couple hundred people.

“Will-”

He drops his head and nuzzles the side of Connor’s face for the briefest of moments. “Later,” he murmurs, before pressing another feather light kiss to his skin and drawing away again.

Connor doesn’t answer, but he doesn’t try to pull away again, which is answer enough.

Will grins, his teeth flashing. “Dance with me?”

Connor seems surprised but nods and takes his hand, leading him out amongst the other swaying couples. Will is sure Cornelius is out there somewhere, watching them and seething at the sight but in that moment he doesn’t care. All that matters is Connor’s arm around his waist and his head on his shoulder, and the love they both feel for each other burning bright in their chests.

#mywriting #one chicago #chicago med #connor rhodes #will halstead #rhodestead

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goldinavonlea · 5 years

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I wonder if Gilbert ever told Mary who the girl he was referring to was. If he did, did she mean for him to be careful and make sure he loves her and it’s not just a crush or just in general marry the person you love without thinking of anyone in particular. And once planting season starts, who is going to look after Delphine. I mean I’m assuming both Bash and Gil will be busy with farm work to be able to look after her while they work. Poor Delphine 😭😭😭

I mean I would assume he’d mentioned a little more about her and Mary is, knowing as she does that she’s not going to be around to be a fussy big sister and vet any women he brings home for him, giving him the guidance she considers most important, particularly off the back of the conversation they’ve just had about Bash: Mary married the love of her life, and she wants the same for Gilbert.

Also, having had a child so young and it clearly not having worked out with the father, Mary is well aware of the consequences of falling into a relationship with someone who isn’t your Life Mate out of loneliness or the desire to have Someone, even if they’re not The One. It’s obviously a very different dynamic in today’s world, but back then it just wasn’t The Done Thing to just... try it out with someone, see how it goes, and if it’s not what you’re looking for nbd: fun fact I’ve only learned since watching this show, but I was looking up some stuff about courting gifts (read: I was fantasising about The Ultimate Dream which is a pretty boy giving me a pretty ribbon god I love a ribbon) and discovered that a significant part of the significance of physical gifts in courtship was that they could be held as evidence in a court of law if you deemed someone to have broken a promise to you. I’m not exactly certain under what circumstances you could have taken someone to court, what exactly constituted a ‘promise’ that was considered legally binding, but you could get up on the docket with a ribbon and an engraving of your face and be like ‘See? Evidence of his intentions towards me’. That is the level to which courtships were Not Fucking Around in the byegones, so naturally Mary is going to be cautious when her 18 year old baby brother in law wanders home with a pretty flower humming to himself over a girl he’s only just met—especially after he’s evidently been pining over someone else the whole time she’s known him, there are no flies on Mary, she knows. You sort of only had one shot proper shot at the whole Romance Thing—if you jumped in too soon and then wanted to back out you’d have a hell of a time doing so, and probably completely screw the reputation of yourself and the other person involved in the process, which would make both of your lives very difficult indeed.

As for who’s going to look after Delie (it’s adorable that they call her that and also essential that, like Anne, it’s spelled with an E: girl’s a baby not a New York sandwitch) during busy times on the farm, I’m not especially concerned—Marilla would, Anne would, Mrs Lynde would if it was a truly desperate situation though I personally would not hand a child of mine over to Rachel unless it was life or death, I imagine Miss Stacy would if it were harvest and school was out, perhaps the Barrys might now.

What DOES worry me is what happens when Gilbert goes off to Queens, and Bash is now facing down the prospect of single parenting a child and running a farm on his own all year round. The question of who looks after Delie THEN as a more permanent issue, as well as who’ll help Bash out, nags at me continually.

I don’t think from the way they’re talking about it that Queens is quite the same as it was in the books (which is to say, a teaching academy), since it always seems phrased with Gilbert like he’ll be going straight from Avonlea to med school, Diana saying she’d have a degree if she were allowed to attend Queens etc. In the books as I understand it, you go to Queens to get your teaching cert, then go on to Redmond from there to do your actual degree (Med for Gilbert, English for Anne). It seems to me that they’re sort of shuffling the concept of Redmond into Queens, with Queens as Med School for Gilbert, and Anne studying her BA in English.

But if that were not the case, what might have been Quite The Thing To See would have been a reversal of roles between them regarding teaching positions: if Mary’s died but Matthew lives (which I’m big time hoping for I mean frankly I wouldn’t have asked for this as a trade because I was sort of prepared as much as I could be for losing Matthew, but since they’ve already taken Mary off us they Absofuckinglutely cannot have Matthew too I will bare knuckle fight Moira myself), we might have seen Gilbert spending the year at Queens getting his teaching cert worrying about Bash struggling with everything on his own, and then him getting a teaching position in White Sands (? I think?) and Anne getting the Avonlea school (opposite to how it goes in the books) with Anne rather than Gilbert approaching the board to request a swap, so that Gilbert could be at home with Bash to help out (rather than Anne getting to be in Avonlea to support Marilla after Matthew’s death).

I think I’d quite have liked that.

As it is (as I said, with Queens I am fairly sure not being a teaching academy in AWAE), I really am not sure how Bash is going to go about handling it all on his own. Maybe Matthew renewing his offer to help Gilbert with the land but to Bash, with Bash Jerry and Matthew working both farms together while Marilla minds Delie during the day? That might work really well actually—Bash could go back to Green Gables after the day of farming, have dinner with them (so he’s not having to juggle a full day of farm work then having to cook and mind Delie), then head home to spend the evening treasuring his daughter. Though I hate the idea of him living in the house without another adult for company, missing Mary. I’m still hoping that Elijah is going to turn it around and step up in the wake of Mary’s death, so maybe he and Bash will manage to form a ragtag unit to run it all together (though still with Marilla’s help I’d imagine: she’s so besotted with Delphine and I’m not sure Bash could be carting Delie around the farm with him all day.

Although that being said I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what women did for like... thousands of years, farming and agriculture were traditionally the realm of women as well as childcare while men hunted (I read somewhere once that they’d done studies on really old remains and found that due to the hard graft of agricultural labour the average woman from x time period (and quite probably x broad geographical area) would have been more jacked than the average olympian today which is So Very Cool anyway) so they must have just touted their kids about with them, although this was probably in a time of much greater communal living and the whole ‘it takes a village’ thing so they probably had some gals minding the tots whilst others farmed etc etc anyway ANYWAY

Anyway yes, the prospect of how Bash is going to manage as a single parent and sole individual working that farm worries at me too (although... honestly I’ve never seen all that much evidence of what they’re actually getting up to I mean they... fix border fences I guess but other than that... mainly seem to hang out in the barn whacking the shit out of waggon wheels? Aren’t they an orchard? Like surely there’s no way in HELL an orchard large enough to sustain a living could be harvested by one or even two people? You know what actually how DOES that work I have questions now what kind of opperation are these people running anyway ANYWAY I have Can’t Shut Up Disease and I apologise)

#anne with an e #awae s3 spoilers #awae spoilers #spoilers #asks

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drake-the-incubus · 3 years

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I’ve been seeing a post lately on how the “sleeping and eating well, showering and going for a jog things aren’t meant to cure, but are an improvement and I’m appalled.

Like, no, in its own form, those things for improvement are meant to cure. Even if they’re meant for improvement, improvement of mood is a cure of depression I’m so sorry. But most people DO mean it as a cure.

And I can say from lived experience I’m less depressed not forcing myself to do things to be “healthy and happy” than I was doing that all the time. Am I physically worse off for it? Yeah. But part of the reason is, my depression’s cause actively fights half of those activities.

I’m depressed because I’m Autistic. But let’s go back. At 14 to sixteen, I was extremely depressed. At 18 I had my worst depressive episode.

At these times I was;

- forced to keep clean

- forced to eat healthily

- was fairly active willingly

- went to multiple clubs and activities

- engaged in media in a way to help my brain develop

Like, I still would do these things, but here’s what drains my energy to the point where I stop functioning;

- keeping clean. I... I don’t know how to explain to everyone I meet that keeping clean means I can’t do other things. It takes too many spoons and puts me in a foul mood, so I usually do it at the end of the day. I also never feel clean and end up injuring myself because I can’t feel clean.

- Eating healthily. This one is more of a financial issue? I spend like 1200 or more on bills and non-food necessities. So I can’t afford good food, not to mention my only fridge is a mini-fridge and my tap water makes me want to throw up. I also have extreme paranoia of running out of food so I can’t get myself to consistently eat. And making meals means I have to make more dishes, which is a task that drains my spoons and I can’t eat.

- I’m still active. It’s pacing/walking and keeps me in fairly good shape as it takes up a majority of my day. This risks me getting in severe amounts of pain because my knees hate me!

- I don’t go to clubs or activities because I don’t go to school anymore and I can’t find any that cater to me. I’m Autistic and LGBT+, my interests will throw me with Cis men, and a majority of the province I’ve met so far have been transphobic, and I can’t stealth because of my voice. In fact being misgendered causes me so much distress I try not to run into people. It was deemed unsafe to hold pride last year in the capital because of the transphobia and other issues going on. So yeah! Nothing like the added stress.

- Engaging with media that strengthens your brain is tiring and sometimes I want to just shut my brain off.

I have other multiple issues, like PTSD, OSDD-1b and other major issues I’m not going to go through, but the point is, these don’t assist me in being less depressed, because my depression is a symptom.

I can do these things, and it can help me physically feel better, but cost mental health that I’m not willing to give up.

Things that I’ve actively come to realize do help my mental health;

- Alone time. A lot of it. I’m introverted and being near people drains my spoons, it’s energy consuming.

- Fun snacks and treats for myself. A reward system makes life feel less shitty.

- Figuring out my issues and treating them.

- Setting minor goals I can accomplish

And I did this on my own because I realized CBT didn’t work on me, and made me worse off. Specifically because at the time, my therapist’s advice was to “just do your thing and ignore your father” and my father was abusive and a huge source of my mental health issues.

But that’s genuinely sound advice for other people, just NOT me.

And so is the above! It’s good to exercise, to clean yourself, to eat and sleep properly. This is used to treat acute depression and it works. Same as putting yourself into a new environment.

But the problem isn’t that people who say, “thanks I’m cured” are wrong, it’s that this is shoved down their throats and it doesn’t help them. Improving your quality of life is ACTUALLY not the most important step.

Recognizing why and how you have depression is.

Let’s not talk about how I’ve been told the above will help my autism- by a therapist no less who wouldn’t actually research into my autism to assist me- and how these steps never improved my quality of life but ruined them because I had other more important factors.

And I’m not saying that the advice isn’t sound, it is! If you can manage these things, please do so, because poor physical health CAN deteriorate your mental health.

But people with PTSD and ADHD are not going to benefit from “sleep hygiene”. Specifically because these posts are just said at face value and no one knows what the fuck it means.

Which pisses me off, because like,

A) what worked for your mental health is not applicable to someone else, my friend and I need different things. One of those things is my friend cannot be completely alone, it fucks them up mentally, I need the isolation otherwise I fucking lose it.

B) Comorbidity is high with depression. Particularly, people who are Neurodivergent, Traumatized, or have physical disorders tend to end up also with depression. It’s usually caused by untreated issues or struggling to fit in to society with these issues. If you can’t fix that, then you can’t assist them.

C) Improvement isn’t going to make “people’s lives so much better”. That’s... Okay let’s talk about something. Improvement means your mental health goes up a bit, but recovery isn’t linear and focussing on these traits as “helpful, can assist immensely” without mentioning that your mental health is going to tank again, just less severe as before and if you don’t track it, you’ll 5ink you’re not recovering, is actually anti-recovery.

Which I want to underline, promoting things for “recovery” while not being a licensed specialist, and not warning for the fact that someone is going to feel better and then feel bad again in a vacillating manner, is anti-recovery. You’re setting someone up to sabotage themselves. Someone is going to look at your condescending post and if it works, and then they feel like shit, they’re going to blame themselves.

But your little spicy posts on how saying, “thanks I’m cured” is anti-recovery and it’s not about curing people, doesn’t WORK if you leave out the narrative of people telling us that this cures us.

You’re erasing the narrative on why people react that way to make them seem anti-recovery, and no, these people genuinely want assistance, they’re just fucking tired of the same bullshit without substance and you’re an idiot.

If I’m allowed to tell my step-father to fuck off for unsolicited mental health advice, I’m allowed to tell a random stranger on the net with a post devoid of actual advice to also fuck off.

So, TDLR;

Mental health is very tricky and while physically taking care of yourself can help, it’s not actually sound advice. There’s more to recovery than that and it’s fairly anti-recovery in itself as it never addresses how recovery is about feeling better and feeling bad again because mental health is a bitch.

No one should be making sweeping statements on what assists with depression or other disorders, and everything should be posited as, “this may not work” and should definitely have a disclaimer of, “if it does work and then stops working that’s a process of recovery, and continue doing it as you would take your meds to settle in”.

What are my credentials?

- Psychology as a special interest and career path.

- 4 years of medical fuckery with recovery before I broke off until I can actively find someone to assist me and get the rest of my diagnoses’.

- I’ve lived this. Genuinely lived this issue, and know other people to. This comes from years of knowing depressed people who have other disorders and are marginalized.

Final Note; Please take care of yourselves as best as possible, do what’s within your means and don’t put yourself down for struggling. Try new coping mechanisms out if you see them, to see how your mood is after a bit.

Remember your mental health is important, but figuring out what does and doesn’t work takes practice, and recovery is never linear. Let yourself fall again, because climbing back isn’t going to slowly get easier.

#mental health #depression #why do I have the sinking feeling someone is going to see this and be upset over it

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rosebloodcat · 7 years

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Revealed- Arthur p2

Lewis had lost a lot of his anger towards Arthur while traveling with the Mystery Skulls again.

Yes, he still remembered seeing Arthur push him, but it was so hard to hate someone who was doing everything in their power (and then some) to try and find him. Who would happily wax poetic about how much he meant to them, without a single lie or falsehood in his speech or behavior. The person who really, honestly wanted him back.

It was so hard to connect the vicious, cruelly grinning face of his killer with the exhausted mechanic that was determined to bring him home. Who wanted to bring him back to his family (god, his family, they still didn't know). Who wanted him to help get Vivi's memories back. Who just wanted things to go back to how they should be.

He was still frustrated and bitter about his passing, but he just didn't have the hatred he had when he first woke in the Cave, dead as a doornail with no explanation why.

And the way the blonde had (many times) risked himself to protect Vivi from harm? As much as he disliked him, Lewis couldn't be more grateful to Arthur for saving the blunette's life.

He looked up at the quickly darkening sky. A blizzard looked to be moving in, and fast. He had to find Arthur and Mystery and get them inside before the storm hit. Neither would last through the drop in temperature. He let loose a number of his Deadbeats, partially to make finding the blonde and not-dog easier, and partially to keep an eye out for the creature that attacked them. (It was still out there, possibly watching. Waiting.)

Tracking his way back to Arthur was actually pretty easy. Because of Lewis' fiery nature, he'd left a rather convenient trail of melted snow in his wake during his dash for the cabin. But the snow was already starting to fall so he had to move quickly before the trail was hidden from sight, and Arthur caught hypothermia or something equally terrible.

He squinted through the darkness, finally spotting the yellow and orange lump laying at the base of a tree with a small black and red form next to it. Exactly where Lewis had hoped they would still be. It was good to know that Mystery had trusted him to protect Vivi, and willing to stay behind to keep Arthur safe. But something was off. The yellow form seemed too- big? Long?

Lewis' non-existent stomach lurched in alarm.

That thing- It didn't have some kind of werewolf-syndrome going on, did it? It couldn't transfer it's condition via injury, could it?

He surged forward, dropping beside the unconscious blonde and pulling him into his arms, eliciting a small, startled yip from the dog beside him. Arthur didn't stir.

“Arthur! Come one, wake up!” He spoke softly, very gently shaking the other and trying to get some kind of reaction. He couldn't detect temperature very well, but he could tell that Arthur was far too cold, his skin too pale, his breathing too shallow.

Worse still were the trails of blood dripping down the blonde's body, staining the once-white snow a dark crimson. Lewis could see the the long, diagonal gashes across Arthur's chest and side, and he knew there were some across his back too. The blonde wasn't even twitching from the pressure Lewis was putting on is injuries.

He cursed softly, this was bad. Very, very bad.

The part of him that still cared for Arthur as a friend panicked. He had to get Arthur back to the cabin, before he bled out or froze to death.

One of his Deadbeats chirred curiously, tugging at it's mental connection to him like a child tugging at an adult's sleeve, drawing his gaze from his friend's unresponsive face to look at whatever had gotten it's attention.

And he felt himself still.

Lewis had long since come to the conclusion Arthur had kept things from himself and Vivi. Before his death, he'd never really thought much of it, believing everyone was entitled to their secrets and their privacy. The same still held (mostly) true for him after death. But because of said incident, he had become far more aware of things that were hidden.

Death had open his vision in a manner not unlike removing sunglasses from someone's face. You could see everything, but at the edges of your vision, you could see there was more to the world than what was in front of you. But when you turned to look, your view didn't really change. The world hadn't really changed from how it had been prior, but it had become sharper to his sight, clearer. Letting him see details that he couldn't have seen before.

He had realized that Arthur was keeping something pretty big from them, but it hadn't seemed relevant to his death so he hadn't bothered looking into it. He'd deemed it unimportant, or something he didn't need to forcefully push his way into. He knew it had had something to do with the way Arthur looked or felt because of the veil he'd seen when they'd all finally reunited. But he had been sure that the way Arthur looked hadn't connected to why the blonde had killed him. It had seemed like a simple little side note.

But that didn't stop the stunned disbelief of seeing one of his Deadbeats playing with the end of a brown and yellow snake tail. A tail that was easily several meters long. A tail that was very obviously attached to Arthur, growing out where his legs should have been.

He was fairly certain his mind had pulled up the Blue-Screen-of-Death at the sight.

Mystery was quick to headbutt him in the side with a snarl, bringing him back to the present and kicking his mind back into gear.

The not-dog was giving him a look. His pretty-much-patented “Freak out later, we have more important things” look. It just further cemented why Arthur always treated Mystery like a person instead of an animal. He was just too smart and expressive to be normal.

He quickly shifted one arm under Arthur's- under where Arthur's knees should have been, and carefully lifted the blonde up, his grip tighter than it probably needed to be. The mechanic wasn't heavy per-say, but the long tail made balancing his weight awkward (also those scales were cold, and he didn't think that was a good thing). One of his Beats had the bright idea of wrapping the tail around Lewis' shoulders, making so that it wasn't dragging in the snow or getting caught in stray branches (Tree, bush, or other), but it wasn't very helpful over all.

Getting back to the cabin was slower than Lewis' would have liked (due to the cold, the snow, and him juggling Arthur's awkward weight), but he was just glad the thing that attacked them hadn't come back for a second round. Getting inside had held him up for a moment but his little beats easily opened the door for him, once he realized his hands were too full of unconscious mechanic to open it himself.

“Vivi! I found them! But you're gonna need to take a look at Arthur!” 'Because I sure don't know what to think of this...' He heard a thud from the second floor, followed by the scrambling foot steps of someone racing down the hall towards the stairs. He carefully laid Arthur out on the couch, fumbling slightly to get the long tail off his shoulders and trying to figure out what would qualify as “comfortable” for the other, before just draping said tail over one armrest and curling it around the back of the couch.

Arthur hadn't stirred in the slightest throughout the trip, and it was really starting to make him worry.

“Holy Cheese!” Lewis looked back to see Vivi at the bottom of the stairs, staring wide-eyed at at Arthur. More specifically the tail attached to him. “What on earth happened to him?” Lewis didn't know what to tell her.

Mystery let out an aggravated bark, making the girl and ghost jump at the sudden noise. Lewis gave his head a shake, bringing himself back to the task at hand.

Arthur was still hurt, still bleeding where he lay. They needed to handle that first. He stated as much to Vivi, who tore off to grab the med-kit they brought with them.

Arthur's shirt, jacket, and prosthetic were carefully removed, Lewis taking a moment to cover the blonde's waist from Vivi's sight (He had no idea if there was anything there, but he would still respect Arthur's modesty in front others). And when the girl returned with the supplies, his wounds were quickly swathed in medicine, gauze and bandages.

Thankfully, it seemed the cuts weren't as deep as he feared, most of them shallow and easy to clean and dress. They were still bad though, and it would takes a couple weeks before he fully recovered, Lewis was sure of that. They'd made sure to check the blonde's head too, since he had been knocked out (There was a lump, but it didn't look too bad).

But now came the hard part, figuring out what happened to Arthur to change him like this. After all, humans didn't randomly change into half-snake people from being bashed upside the head. That just wasn't natural.

Lewis stared down at the unconscious blonde, trying to puzzle out how this was even possible when he finally noticed something he hadn't before.

“The veil's gone...” he muttered. He had been so distracted by the state the blonde was in that he hadn't even noticed that his ever-present veil was no longer there.

“Veil? What do you mean?” He looked back at Vivi, trying to figure out how to explain it. Maybe it was something she could explain?

So he did. He explained the energy he had always seen wrapped around Arthur (he didn't bring up the one around Mystery. He had a feeling that would anger the not-dog and he didn't want that), the way it originated from his chest and wrapped around him from there, how it was kind of warm yet the blonde had never said anything about feeling too hot.

He watched Vivi chew her lip thoughtfully.

“I remember one case I had gone alone for,” she said slowly, carefully pulling at her memories as she spoke. “It had been while Arthur was still getting his prosthetic, a minor one about someone seeing something weird, nothing harmful, just odd. I found a cryptid was using a cave near town as a hiding spot, because she was having trouble with staying in her human form.

“She told me that some cryptids could take human forms on their own, but others like her needed a help staying in that form. They carried special talismans with them that helped them stay human even when they lost their concentration. She had lost her's and was trying to find it again. I helped her figure out where it went, but she made me promise not to tell anyone about her unless it was really important. She said they didn't like being revealed, because a lot of people didn't like folks who weren't human.” She straightened up, her expression firm, with an undercurrent of realization.

“Arthur- Arthur must be like that too. He must've had a talisman to stay human, and lost it when that monster attacked him.”

Lewis felt a small flicker of worry in his chest, a hand clenching on the back of the couch. Discovering what that veil was answered some of his questions, but now what?

If Arthur wasn't actually human, how could they heal him? What if he actually needed some kind of special medicine that they didn't know about? Was the stuff they used going to work? And why wasn't he waking up?!

Lewis' wanted to beat his head against something in frustration (preferably a wall).

Vivi crouched down by Arthur's tail, resting a hand over the scaly form as she examined it.

“Heat, we need to get him warm.” Her tone was firm, and she nodded in that self-assured way of hers. She lightly patted it as she continued. “This is a snake tail. Snakes, like most reptiles, are cold-blooded animals. Meaning they can't generate their own body heat. This is just a guess, but I bet Arthur can't either. You said the veil was warm, right?”

Lewis nodded.

“Then I bet it was making his body warm enough to keep working. Snakes and other reptiles go into hibernation when the temperature drops, that's why people never see them in cold climates or during winter.”

“So the cold's basically sent him into a coma, and he won't wake up until he's warm again.” Lewis summarized. Vivi nodded, confirming it.

It was still worrying, but at least they now had some idea of what was going on and what to do. His hand reached up to rub at the back of his neck (a habit from when he was alive), only to drop it to his side. They had work to do.

“Alright then, I'll get a fire started. Why don't you see if you can find a clean shirt or a sweater and some blankets for Arthur?” He paused. “Actually, don't we have a bunch of electric blankets in the van? I'll send some Deadbeats to get those.”

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heartlikethunder · 8 years

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The Art of Healing - My Personal Initiatives to Face my Depression

I’m 22 and I have severe clinical depression as a result of many things including poor relations with my parents, school, and of course, the current political climate. I’m a pre-med and I have lots of things I want to accomplish. All of my relationships around me are becoming toxic because I keep poisoning them. And most importantly, I don’t like the person I’m starting to become. I don’t want to discuss in too much detail as to what has brought me to this point in my life, but I do want to talk about a few initiatives I’ve taken to bring me to a happier place.

A little bit about me briefly – I graduate from college with a BS in Microbiology. I don’t have a job right now because I’m taking some time off to (try) studying for the MCAT. I live at home with my parents and used to commute from my house to school. I didn’t get my license until last year – I was 21 – and even then my mom continued to drive me to and from places. Finally I don’t have many friends. Most of the people I have met are in relationships and thus their significant other is all they need or they try to push them onto their friends as well or they are interested in drinking and partying – again, not of my interest. I’ve been forced into an environment which is very isolated from the rest of the world. I spend a lot of my time in my room with little to no conversation with anyone. I’m lonely. And my goals are so far away I don’t feel like I’ve gotten closer to any of them.

Hence, I’ve started a few initiatives to help me overcome this moment in my life:

Drinking a lot of water. Water is a great healing agent and I drink many cups throughout the day – it completely revitalizes me. Avoid juice and sugary/oily foods. Keep things light and clean. Eat smaller portion sizes too to not feel “overstuffed,” which will help you to become more active and it’s easier to move around with none of that food slowing you down or jostling around in your belly.

Sleeping on time. Sleep is the foundation to easing MANY mental health related diseases or illnesses. Sleep by 10PM and try to wake up around 9AM. Don’t forget to turn you phone on silent. I have an amazing Do Not Disturb feature on my iPhone which I can set up to activate automatically during a time frame. For me I have it turn on at 7PM and shut off around 10AM/11AM. I have a really hard time going to bed because I keep thinking that I didn’t do anything today, I didn’t accomplish anything, and I dread what tomorrow will bring. You need to stop this. Some of your worst thoughts come in the darkest hours of the day. Plus the next morning when I wake up my head is pounding and aching and my eyes are puffy, sore, and bloodshot. I can barely sit straight I’m so exhausted and I become very sluggish.

PURGE. I have some much stuff I’ve accumulated that it’s literally falling all over me, all around me. My drawers are overstuffed, my craft supplies are spread out over 3 rooms, I have so many books in our “extra room,” etc. Minimalism can be very freeing and you can focus on items that you really love. I try to take the time every couple of days to purge items that I no longer love nor enjoy. I also try to organize everything so it has a proper space (a LOT of it is very unorganized) that is easy to get to and easy to put back and I try to clean my room/house. I’m definitely a stress cleaner and I love the look and smell of a clean living space.

There is a reason that your mental health has started to suffer. This can be any memory or moment in your life. It’s important for you to find those memories, address them, and start picking them apart in a positive light so you can heal. One of the things I like to do when I’m emotionally overwhelmed by something in my life is talk to myself about it and my feelings or to write down my feelings. I just leave it on my PC or in my notebook and every once in a while I will come across it and I’ll snort at just how silly I was for being so upset about something that really wasn’t that big of a deal. You can also write letters to someone else (maybe someone you feel that has wronged you or that you have wronged to help you move on). If you don’t feel comfortable talking to yourself you can also discuss your problems with a friend or a mentor (like a therapist or counselor). However, I would tread lightly with sharing with friends, because you’ll find that many of them don’t know how to “handle” your depression or some of them will leverage that information against you. They might not understand what you’re saying and they might also give you some very unhelpful advice. I’m not saying all people are like that – there are those who are better than that and their blood runs as thick as yours, but you have to be careful. You’re already in a fragile state – don’t let someone else break you into more.

I like to keep my mind busy. When I read or learn something new my brain comes alive. I like to study and learn new science, I really love to read but lately have not had the time (I’m trying to put all my energy towards MCAT studying but after I finish studying I do have a list of books I plan on reading), and I read a lot of fanfiction and pick apart the stories. I like to look at the different skills the author used to get their point across. The stories are usually shorter than a full length novel. And overall they’re intriguing and fun. Personally I read mostly Harry Potter fics (especially Drarry), but I have also read some really incredible stories in other fandoms such as Lord of the Rings, Teen Wolf (Sterek) Transformers, Teen Titans, BBC Sherlock, The Hobbit, etc. Let me know if you’d like me to share a few fic recs. Also manga – some of it is very beautiful and engaging. You can easily find translations online and flip through a couple of chapters to unwind while looking at the art.

Avoid a lot of TV. I know that a lot of my recent changes and dullness has come from all the TV rotting my brain. I’m going to lump in movies, anime, and Youtube into this as well. TV now a days is complete garbage. There is such terrible acting (while I do participate in the Teen Wolf fandom, I absolutely hate the actual TV show. There are many great actors but I don’t feel like the writing of the series gives them a chance to really blossom. My favorite is Dylan O’brien as Stiles, but lately as he has picked up new projects, I’ve noticed a change in his on-screen TV performance), horrifying plots WITH SO MANY PLOT HOLES, and the writing is just bad with multiple innuendos and profanities thrown in to make it more modern and cool. I’m also tired of the love triangles (The Shannara Chronicles made me want to cry), the poor representation of people of color, lack of depth and character development, etc. TV is just complete shit. And there are WAAAAY too many seasons of shows that should have been put to rest. I’ve mostly enjoyed Shameless (lots of great plots and subplots with tons of great character development) though that has started to wane a bit as I find some of the characters’ stories dragging and How to Get Away with Murder. I’ll occasionally watch an episode of another show here or there, but honestly, it’s all garbage. Instead take that time to read or do something else. I like movies – I mostly watch Disney – but I have noticed that when I’m bored and upset I just sit there eating and rewatching old films. While there isn’t anything wrong with that, doing that every day is going to eat away at your mental health. I feel the same way I do about anime as I do about TV shows. A lot of it is empty and honestly the classics were so much better like Fruits Basket. Finally, YouTube is an amazing community. There is so much to learn and discover on this platform. I follow a lot of channels including cooking, baking, gardening, fashion, beauty, etc. I also follow a lot of fashion/beauty bloggers. Here’s my opinion – don’t do it. A lot of them treat YouTube and their blogs as businesses. They get sent a lot of stuff for free. They’re always trying new stuff. That is their job. And realistically speaking, you cannot go out every time they rave about a new product, just because they deem it to be the best thing on the planet when you’re still in the middle of finishing your current one or already have a significant collection. Don’t do it. Also, stop watching them. They's a lot of rambling and talking about nonsense for the most part. A lot of them have very empty conversations and chatter that it’s tough to follow. Makeup doesn’t even look that great on me, and I’d never drop $100 on some silly foundation - I certainly don’t need to be watching 10 different videos on how to apply eyeshadow. I understand for many people they watch or continue to watch because it’s fun and they enjoy it. And if that is you then great, go for it – in moderation of course. However, I will say, always keep it in the back of your mind that eventually this might turn into an obsession if day in and day out this is all you’re “seeing.” Youtubers can really twist your views of the real world. I for one can personally attest to that. I have a very strong and wise head on my shoulders. I can pick up discreet social cues/messages hidden in the media and scoff at them - I’m alert and observant. But when I watch Youtubers and see many of them showcasing the same things and lifestyles repetitively, I immediately begin to think this is the way it is for many if not all girls on the planet. Suddenly spending $1000 on a Chanel bag is normal – a necessity to blossom into womanhood. Don’t forget, there are people out there scraping to make ends meet. There are plenty, if not MORE, people in the world that are living comfortable lifestyles not filled with materialistic things and spending their money wisely. Just be smart and don’t let their channels twist your perception of the world. If anyone is interested I’ll be happy to share some of the blogs I follow for outfit inspirations (I mostly just glance at the pics and never am overly obsessed with getting the same things they have on – other than Extrapetitie.com because her picks are wonderful and reasonably priced). I also find less Youtube, the less shopping I do, and less of purchasing frivolous things. On the same note when you do go shopping, tune into your inner feelings and ask yourself is this something you need and then ask yourself if you really want it. Don’t settle. Pick things that you look great in and boost your self esteem. I’m overweight and I’m also short. Aside from my stomach sticking out and having thick thighs, I also have very thick upper arms. A lot of stuff that might look great on my sister and mother (who are both a lot taller and thinner), look completely terrible on me. I always give in and get them in the end because my mother emotionally blackmails me into it, but I don’t enjoy wearing them and they make me feel like shit. I’ve recently acquired a few new pieces that I think are much better suited for myself and will be wearing those from now on. If you dress well, and you feel good in what you’re wearing, and if you look good, you’ll feel good.

Take walks – nature can unwind you. I walk a round around my neighborhood. I think all together it is roughly 1.2 miles? There is also a very small park with a swingset in the middle that I like to stop at and swing away till my heart is content. This is when I listen to the new music I’ve discovered and come up with story ideas. Try to hit the gym. Sweat out the negativity in your life and I promise you, not only will your brain feel better, but you’ll physically look and feel a lot better too. Just get out of the house. This is a bit trickier for me because of my poor driving skills and my parents don’t let me go out much. When I do go out it’s mostly for groceries. I don’t enjoy eating out that much, but going out to eat a small something at a restaurant can be a very relaxing experience. Don’t feel like you HAVE to go with someone or that you have HAVE to eat a heavy/full meal. A lot of restaurants also have great rewards programs or newsletters you can sign up for to help you save on costs if you are in a financial pinch. Olive Garden always seems to be bringing around their famous pasta deal and fast food places such as Baskin Robbins have great promotions such as on the 31st of the month, each scoop of ice cream is $1.31. It’s not a bad deal for a casual outing to treat yo self and freshen up. The general consensus is to take care of yourself and relax. Something I do on my personal time is give myself a skincare treatment at night - a lovely facial with a facial massage, masks, etc.

I love to write but I haven’t written in forever and I don’t have a lot of unique ideas/prompts. I do have one novelesque fanfic idea that I’m really excited and crazy about. I’m slowly and diligently writing it, but I still want to keep improving my writing and brush up on my writing skills during the in between. I suggest finding a fandom that you love – and if you can’t I highly recommend the Harry Potter fandom, because it’s huge and there are so many more opportunities here than other fandoms in my personal opinion – and write prompts and challenges. There are a ton of communities dedicated to prompts, challenges, gift exchanges, fic fests, etc. If you’re interested let me know – I have a huge list of some popular Harry Potter fests and such. Also, join and follow users who are active in the fandom as they too will sometimes offer opportunities to join networks or challenges they have created. There is a user who has created a drarry valentine’s fic exchange which is so cute and I recently started nooreva’s trope bingo for femslash february. I’ve also claimed a fic prompt from HP kink fest. They’re not too time sensitive, and there is enough direction to help me from feeling lost, but still enough room for creativity to explore my writing. Let me know if you’d like any writing advice as well. I’m thinking of trying to get back into poetry while I’m here.

I picked up some “pen pals.” It’s very new to me and I’m incredibly nervous. Snailmail revolution is huge right now, where people all over the world send attractive letters to one another and with it small goodies such as stickers, stationary, etc. I found a few people through Tumblr and Instagram for now. I have no idea how this is going to go because I don’t have money to be buying cute stationary and gifts – I’m already going to be spending a decent bit on stamps because I have picked up A LOT of pen pals to keep me busy – but I’m trying to keep on a positive note. It’s honestly very fun to get personal mail and to peek in and see all the lovely things people might have sent. I have written one letter so far and I did a lot of doodling, homemade stickers, and printing. I’ll keep you all posted on my experience as other letters start to come in. There is also a group that is focused on craftier snailmail that I’m a member of. It’s called pretty postal swap and I LOVE it. They have a theme every month and you exchange letters with other members based on that theme. Of course the goal is to be crafty so it’s a bit of a mix of scrapbooking and cardmaking. It’s a lot of fun. Some of the pics I have seen do appear to be a bit more upscale than what I can commit to right now, but I’m hoping it will go well. This is my first month trying it and the theme is an icy cold snowy envelope, with a warm and cozy card inside. I decided to create a simple snowy backdrop on my envelope with a shadow of a row of houses. For the cozy interior I made a homemade card with a sketch of an image on the front that I colored with colored pencils, I printed out some journaling cards of polar bears and some cute sweater designs, I printed some teacups which I colored with colored pencils and made them into homemade stickers which I placed into envelopes made from this gorgeous teal birdie wrapping paper, I’m going to be throwing in a bag of berry tea, and finally, I made a simple tag of a polar bear wearing a sweater. The final result is obviously homemade and I’m not sure what the group is going to think of it, but I have my fingers crossed and I put in a lot of time and effort into my final product. I also am a huge lover of scrapbooking and cardmaking, and while I do get a hefty fix of it via my snailmail art, there are tons of swaps and swap groups you can join as well. You can swap pocket letters, tags, tag books, embellishments, etc. I applied to join one but I cannot seem to recall the name or find the original sign up page. I believe they will be emailing me to confirm if I’ve been accepted but not sure about this one yet. If you’re curious to see what snailmailrevolution is I highly suggest looking up the #snailmailrevolution on instragram. If anyone wants to check out some youtube videos on the idea and what some of the packages look like in greater depth, let me know and I can share some links.

Finally I’ve also really gotten into doodling. I’m a terrible artist – my proportions are all over the place, but I’ve found myself enjoying following along with youtube doodlers and then sitting down and coloring them in. I’ve done quite a few already for my pen pal letters and would be happy to share some of the channels I follow for help and inspiration. To help me explore this new interest, I’ve joined the #doodlewithus challenge on instagram hosted by @alexandra_plans and @christina77star. Basically every month there is a daily challenge with an overall theme of what you should try to draw that day. For February the theme is space and every day we will be drawing a specific planet, space ships, rockets, etc. it’s so lovely and takes hardly any time. I highly recommend joining in the fun.

Volunteer - give your time to someone else. Focus on becoming humble. Look at the life people are living around you and learn to appreciate what you have. I personally work at a nonprofit clinic on some Sundays where I work in patient discharge in filing and scanning in patient records into the charting software. Personally I would prefer something more rewarding, but it’s very flexible and such an easy commitment. Turn your negatives in to positives. Give daily affirmations a try. I tried it myself but it was a little awkward and uncomfortable giving myself pep talks. However it is still a very powerful tool and I would recommend it. You could also try daily thanks and make a list of what you’re thankful for which is something a little more up my alley.

So those are some new things I’m going to be trying out. I’ll give you an update in a few weeks after getting some responses and testing things out. It seems like a lot of stuff and in hindsight it is, but I think this is a great way to fill in some of those quiet hours in between my studying. This is by no means a definitive list. There are clearly some things I need to be work on or have in my life that I haven’t addressed in my list such as actual in person human contact, but it’s just not possible for me at this time. I also know a lot of people will redirect my in getting a job, but the MCAT is a beast, and if I can have the time to study for it distraction free and comfortably, with only that exam in mind, I’ll gladly take it. Some of these things might not work for you at all, this will not CURE you by any means, but it’s a start and hopefully will give you some new ideas to try and to expand your horizon. In the future I would like to get back into watercoloring, take swimming lessons and learn to properly swim (I finished up to level 4 or 5 – I stopped just short of the actual swimming part because I had trouble keeping my form), try a pottery class (I took a one day workshop at my school and it was amazing and frustrating. I would really love to go back and learn how to throw on the wheel properly), and maybe join a bookclub.

#depression #healing #mental health

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thefarlefchronicles · 7 years

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Farlef Chronicles Episode 3 - The Return of the Moose

Previously on The Farlef Chronicles - Shit Happened Current - December 24th 2016

A man is riding in the cold winter on his motorcycle heading home.

Home is a strange word for the lone ranger riding on his steel horse. He is an indeterminate height and weight with indiscernible features. He is easily lost in a crowd and easily forgotten. Just the way he likes it. He pulls over to side of the road and takes a drag of his cigarette. This man is Agent Deer aka Roadkill Toast aka The Pink Flamingo of Miami aka Farlef90 aka 2 Legs aka Fucking Can Walk aka The Bro with the Does aka Mike Tyson aka The Other Evans aka

"God it is cold out" - Farlef muttered to himself as he tried to get warm while he tried to figure out where he was. He concluded due to the migration of the few birds in the air, the cloud formations, the positioning of the sun and his 47 years of boy scout training he deduced he was 1/2 mile NE from Deer Park. Also all the deer that were heading home for Christmas was a dead giveaway to the direction of the town.

As he continued into town he was left wondering to himself bout if his father would enjoy the present he got him and if he would try to kill him again. He thought they buried the hatchet after Sam's funeral but if his dad was off his meds he might snap or be jovial. He had a vial of pure Xanax to inject him with if needed but he would rather cause when he does this his dad can briefly walk and then collapses. In the corner of his eye he noticed something he stopped short to stare at and it sent a chill down his spine. Like a figurative chill not a literal chill even tho it was cold out but a creepy chill like something is coming.

NO NOT THAT, THIS.

The sight of the half frozen/half eaten deer concerned him on more the one level. He knew this could mean a number of things. Nazi Zombies. Deer Zombies, Deer Park Resident Zombies, Ginger Zombies, Zombie Zombies, A hungry bear who ate the deer while it was frozen from the cold weather then turned into a Zombie. As he shit into his sock he contemplated all the zombie scenarios that could possibly happen. After he finished he threw the shit filled sock at a car passing by with a bumper sticker that read I STOP FOR MOOSE.

"Fucking Moose Port mother fucker" he said to himself as he dove away not noticing the car crash he caused.

As Farlef continued to drive east along W Antler Road (LEGIT ROAD, I GOOGLED IT, LMFAO) turning onto N Monroe Road which in turn became W Monroe Road then W Crawford St then E Crawford St in 4 blocks he was finally home in Deer Park. He took a moment to breathe in the fresh air of his home town. While he did this he failed to notice a car slowly pulling up to him. Luckily with his Ninja reflexes he honed while studying the proper way to prepare Fugu a Japanese delicacy that if prepared wrong could kill you. He did kill 47 people before learning how to prepare it right but 11 of those deaths he did on purpose. No one stiffs The Farlef unless he asks for it. As he landed after doing a triple back flip and throwing 4 shuriken at his would be attackers he got a good luck at them and realized that his 4th worst fear had come true.

THE MOOSE WERE BACK AND WAR HAS COME TO DEER PARK.

Farlef drove as fast as his bike could take him on these ice covered streets to his dad's house. He would need to consult his father, a veteran of the last GREAT DEER PARK WAR. Pulling up to the house he noticed a strange biker in the driveway he never seen before. Normally this wouldn't bother him, his father was an avid motorcycle collector, after all he liked to taunt himself with bikes he would never be able to drive cause he has no feeling in his legs except the feeling of knowing his son is a homosexual. The odd thing about motorcycle was that it was designed for cripples. He then saw his father roll out the back of it and felt a little bit relieved.

As his dad emerged for his cocoon of a vehicle he noticed his son. He was going to go into his usual racist/homophobic tirade bout his son's lifestyle and decisions but he noticed something in Farlef's eyes he never seen before. Fear. Or maybe he was hungry. Now that he thought about it he never really looked into his son's eyes for fear of catching the gay. He read a story bout how the queerosexuals could turn the manliest of men gay with just a glance and a smile so he hasn't truly looked at his son in 12 years. Now was different, he had an aura about him. Again he wasn't sure what it was, it might have been a gay thing or a deep disturbance in the force. Holy shit he immediately though, maybe this son was coming out as straight. A huge grin creept onto his face and he stood out of his wheelchair for the first time in years with glee.

"MY BOY, MY SWEET BABY BOY YOUR BACK. MY GOD WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE. TRUMP IS PRESIDENT, THOSE DAMN MEXICANS GOING BACK TO THEIR CESSPOOL OF A COUNTRY AND MY SON IS STRAIGHT AGAIN. I PRAYED AND I PRAYED THAT THE GOOD LORD WOULD TAKE THE GAY AWAY AND HE DID. MOTHER OF PEARL I CAN FINALLY FEEL MY LEGS, WHAT A FEELING. WHERE'S THOSE DAMN LEGOS, I NEED TO RUN OVER THEM BAREFOOT. JEEZ LOUISE I CAN'T EXPRESS HOW HAPPY I AM RIGHT NOW. JOHN, CUT DOWN THE NOOSE FROM THE TREE. I DON'T NEED IT ANYMORE, MY SON IS ALIVE."

"Dad that is a tire swing. Its been in that tree since I was a kid, you thought it was a noose this whole time? That actually explains a lot like why I keep seeing you swinging from it making choking sounds then disappointed nothing is happening" replied John who was in town visiting. "

AFTER YOU CUT DOWN THAT ALABAMA WIND CHIME GET ME THE PHONE, I NEED TO CALL YOUR GRANDPARENTS AND TELL THEM MY BOY HAS COME HOME"

"THEY'RE DEAD" John yelled back as he went to cut down the tree with his chainsaw.

Farlef contemplated to himself if he should let this charade continue or tell his father what was really wrong. He figured honesty was the best policy and he still didn't forget what happened at Sam's funeral.

"Actually about that dad I am still bisexual and also I forgot the bunt cale" Farlef said.

All the hope and elation died in his father's eyes. No bunt cake he thought to himself not even registering the fact his son came out as bisexual again. He really wished his son just payed for sex like everyone else but this ruined the man. He slink back into his wheelchair depressed as ever. Little did either of them know, they were being watched.

“You hungry?" Farlef's dad asked, a defeated man once again and broke in mind, body and spirit.

"Dad I saw something in town and you need to hear about this its important"

"I know, they opened a gay club in Deer Park called The Queer Deer. Fucking progressive hippies."

"It's not that dad, it's the moose. They're back."

Farlef's dad was silent for what felt like eternity but was actually 1 minute and 42 seconds. He was having one of his patented PTSD flashbacks to the war. The look on his face was sheer disgust and intrigue. He had seen and done many a horrible things in the Great War. Not WW2, an army psychiatrist deemed him too violent to fight in that one. No I am talking about the great Deer Park war of 1941.

"Son come inside, it's time you heard the whole story about the great war that took place. It was one of the bloodies battles our small town has ever seen"

As Farlef's dad rolled into the house, Farlef could smell something……odd from the kitchen.

"You left the stove on?"

"Yea having a small Christmas Eve party. “

What Farlef saw made him vomit a little. He has eaten some fucked up things in his travel to survive. Entire mounds of ants, goat horns, camel humps, gas station sushi but the meals his father were preparing were truly disgusting for any human to consume.

Um dad what the holy fuck are you cooking?" Farlef asked as he held back his bile.

“The usual a Chicktopus, Boiled Deer head and Chicken and Bananas."

"HOLY SHIT DAD YOU CAN'T JUST PUT FOOD DIRECTLY ON THE STOVE SOMETHING MIG-"

Before Farlef could warn him bout the danger a huge explosion erupted in the kitchen.

"Jesus that could have been worse, what were you microwaving?" Farlef asked.

"Oh just some Amatex: (ammonium nitrate and RDX)Amatol:(ammonium nitrate)Ammonal: (ammonium nitrate and aluminium powder plus sometimes charcoal).Baratol: ( barium nitrate and wax)Composition B ( RDX and paraffin wax )Composition H6.Cyclotol (RDX) Ednatol , your dad likes to heat them up before he bastes the Octochicken" Farlef’s dad replied.

“THOSE ARE THE INGREDIENTS FOR TNT” EXCLAIMED RIGHT BEFORE THE FIRE ERUPTED.

Instead of anyone helping everyone immediately fled from the house.

Farlef's dad immediately jumped out of his wheelchair and fled the scene.

Farlef jumped out the nearest window once he noticed his father locked the door.

John fled into the ceiling while his girlfriend tried to save their cat to no avail.

Even the horse escaped.

As Farlef and his dad watched their home burn down he only had two questions for his father.

"Dad how did this happen and why now?"

"Regrettably this happened cause of me. It is time I finally told you about the war and our blood feud with all Moose kind"

Little did they know as they were talking, they were being spied on.

As they drove towards the city they realized the entire forest around them was engulfed in flames. They realized they needed to get as quickly to deer park as possible in fear of what it has become.

On the outskirts of town they saw their beloved city in such a state of dismay they couldn't comprehend the site.

The city was on fire, everything they ever knew and kind of gave 2 shits about was gone. They both knew one thing and one thing only in the moment. For Christmas this year they would deck the halls with Moose antlers, don their moose killing apparel and kill every last mother fucker with horns. But Farlef had to know why this happened, why the Moose hated them so much.

"Dad I am all for commiting genocide again, especially after what these Moose Fuckers did to our home, our town but how did this all start?" "It is a long story but it started in 1941 ………………….

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