#i also got my doctor to switch me to gel for my t so i won't have a bad reaction hopefully and i see the gastroenterologist tomorrow

[advisorsage]

The universe loves me

[i-need-entertainment]

Haikyuu!! Boys as Bad Dad moments

Characters: Akaashi, Washio, Konoha, Kita, Suna, Ushijima, Yahaba, Iwaizumi, Futakuchi, Daishou and Numai

**These are ways they “failed” as fathers. I am not talking about ACTUALLY failing as fathers, just things dads have done that most of us either remember/get told about NOT TO BE TAKEN  S E R I O U S L Y  it is just for      f u n  I also gave them all at least 2 kids cause SibLiNgS**

A ‘*’ means it happened to me lol

TW- Mentions of giving too much medicine, accidental pain caused to child, these are things I either experienced/knew people who experienced them, allusion to cursing/a FEW bad words (but I substitute a letter for something else :)

*Akaashi Keiji: 

He had been working in his office when his son had come in.

You had been putting your newborn to sleep for a nap when your son decided he wanted to be with his dad.

His son was only 3, so when Akaashi was held up in his office editing his son, Kenji, would sometimes come in and plop himself in Akaashi’s lap.

His sons small feel padded on the floor while he made his way to his father, softly tugging on his pants as he stuck his arms up.

Akaashi smiled and softly chuckled before gently picking up his son from under his arms and placing him on his lap.

He got to work soon after, reading and revising the pages.

Other than having his son on his lap it wasn’t unusual for him to be drinking coffee while working.

Keep in mind, your son had inherited a lot from Akaashi, and not just his looks or personality.

But also his habits.

Because of this, your son was very fidgety, usually toying with a string or your fingers.

That meant he tended to move around a lot.

Akaashi had just lifted his not-so-cold coffee to his lips when his son had made a sudden movement, causing him to knock his arm and, “AHH” Akaashi’s eyes snapped open as his son started crying, cursing under his breath he stood up gently holding his son in his arms as he carried him to the bathroom.

Sitting him down on the counter he dried the coffee off of his son, luckily it hadn’t been hot enough to burn him, but it was still hot enough to hurt.

“What happened? I heard crying, is he okay?” Akaashi sighed as he ran a hand through his hair.

“Yeah, he’s okay, he bumped my arm and I spilled my coffee on him. He’s okay! It didn’t burn him, but it did hurt...” Your frowned as you stood in front of your son, giving him a soft smile before kissing his arm, cause kisses always make it feel better~

You carefully picked him up from the counter, rocking him slowly side to side as he burrowed into your shoulder.

“Are you okay little man~” He nodded as he sniffled into your shoulder, little hands clutching onto the fabric of your t-shirt.

“You know daddy didn’t mean it, it was an accident.” He nodded again, lifting his head to rub his eyes and reach out for his dad.

Akaashi gave a wobbly smile before reaching over to grab him, kissing the top of his head as he carried him back to his office, making sure to have some iced coffee instead.

Washio Tatsuki: 

This would be the first time Washio was left alone with the twins.

5 months ago, you and your husband had had your first children, your adorable fraternal twins Natsuki and Tatsuo.

Today would be the first day you would be away from them, but with your mother being sick and you being the only one available to take care of her you had to go.

You weren’t too worried about your husband, he was already a good dad so you had no doubt they were in good hands.

But it was never an enjoyable experience to have to leave your kids, especially your babies, and for the first time. 

So, you decided to leave early in the morning, give them their good morning kisses and head over to your parents house.

Before you left you changed their diapers, letting them play in their little play pen while your husband tried to get up.

Rubbing his eyes Washio walked into the play room.

He had to go to the gym today for a meeting, fortunately EJP had a really good daycare system in the stadium, so he could leave his kids there while he attended the short meeting.

He stopped in his tracks as his face blanched and he felt his breath stop.

You had changed the twins’ diapers...but you hadn’t dressed them.

The twins were still young, so without looking at their, uh, biological differences you couldn’t tell them apart....

Now, usually when this happened you guys would just check the diapers, but you had just done them..

And he was already running a bit late.

So, he made his best guess, got them dressed (one in pink, the other in blue), fed and in the car driving them to the stadium.

Once he got there he quickly dropped them off, rushing to his meeting.

The meeting had been fairly simple, just some pre-season info he’d need.

After chatting with his coach/teammates, and stopping Suna and Komori from pulling a prank, he made his way back to the daycare.

He walked into the building when one of the younger care takers, Yui, walked up to him, One twin in each arm.

He smiled as he carefully put them into their carriers.

“Uhm, just a question...” He looked up to her and motioned for her to continue.

“...Were you aware that Tatsuo was wearing the dress?” Washio sighed as he ran a hand down his face shaking his head. Yui light heartedly smiled, “Don’t worry, we switched them.” Thanking them, he picked up his babies and went home.

He was not prepared for the way you cackled when he told you what happened.

*Konoha Akinori: 

You had gone away for a business trip, leaving your husband Konoha home with your 3 kids. (You guys have 2 girls and a boy)

Your middlest child, your son Akira, had recently come down with a cold making the poor thing miserable when he tried to sleep.

Being the good dad that he is, he gave his son some benadryl!

The next morning he woke up, and after letting his kids sleep in for a little bit he woke them up too.

...two of them.

He tried several times to get his son to leave his bed, but the little kid couldn’t so much as swing one foot over the side of his bed with out falling asleep again.

He didn’t think too much of it, the kid had a cold after all.

So he let him sleep for another hour or so before making him get up for real.

A day later you got home, and everything was pretty much normal.

Until you went to put your son to bed, and realized he had crashed on the couch.

“...Uhm, Akinori?” Your husband lifted his head at your voice, setting the dishes in the sink and drying his hands with a towel as he made his way over to you. 

“Yeah babe?” You took a look over towards your son before looking back to your husband.

“...Has Akira been like that all weekend?” Konoha ran his hand through his hair as he sighed. “No, only since Saturday. He wasn’t feeling good so I gave him some benadryl, he’s been dead to the world since.” You slowly nodded.

“Uhm, Akinori?” He raised an eyebrow at you. “How much benadryl did you give him?”

He left to grab the box, coming back with it in his hand as he continued to look at it.

He shook his head in confusion. “I gave him the amount the box said, 1 teasp-”- He paused.

Uh oh.

He in fact, had not given his son a teaspoon of benadryl.

He had given him a tablespoon.

*Kita Shinsuke: 

You had to leave early one morning for a doctors appointment; you were pregnant with you and Kita’s second child. 

Usually for these appointments Kita’s grandmother would watch your 3 year old daughter Kyoka.

But she had something to do that morning so Kita was the one responsible for getting her ready for preschool.

Kita was a good father so you weren’t worried.

You knew she would be put together, fed, and on time.

There was just one thing you couldn’t account for.

“Daddy?” Kita looked away from the mirror he was shaving in and down to his daughter, washing away the traces of shaving cream. “Yes sweetheart?”

She held out her small hand, 2 bright pink hair ties with little butterfly charms on them held out in her palm.

“Can you do my piggy tails please?” His eyes widened.

He hadn’t done hair...like...ever.

But from the puppy eyes his little princess was giving him, how could he not do it?!

Plus, it couldn’t be that hard...right? I mean, he had watched you do it plenty of times, and it was pretty straight forward.

Sitting down on the edge of the bed he had her stand on the ground in front of him.

He grabbed her brush and put the two hair ties she had given him on his wrist.

He brushed her hair and parted it as evenly as he could, trying to be gentle in the process.

Now time for the pig tails..

He pulled her hair back, trying to make it tight to it would stay.

...But he might have made it a little too tight.

He turned her around and realized he had made them way too tight.

Not only did her hair look like he had slicked it back with x4 strength hair gel, but it was so tight that her eyebrows had been stuck way up on her forehead.

He was quick to turn her back around, loosening the hair ties so she looks like a 3 year old again.

His face turned undeniably red as he told you what happened later that night, you light heartedly laughing at his misfortune.

Suna Rintaro: 

Suna had just gotten out of practice, and now he was on the way to his kids school. 

You and Suna had 4 kids, 2 boys and 2 girls. 

The youngest 2 had a doctor’s appointment earlier that day, which you had taken them too. Meaning Suna needed to pick the older 2 up from elementary school.

He had been listening to music, his music to be specific.

He had pulled into the parking lot, changing the playlist to a kid friendly one right before his children got in the car.

After they had told him about their days, and he had told about his, he switched back on the music.

It had been fine for a song.

Until he realized that he had a few songs qued.

The fun little song had just ended when the bass dropped, the color draining from his face as soon as the song started.

The mentioned song being “Big Bank” by YG, 2 Chainz, Big Sean and Nicki Minaj of course~.

He was quick to turn the radio off, waiting until he could pull over, empty the que, and turn on kid friendly music.

He told the kids to ‘forget what they heard’ and he continued on his drive home.

Now, you’ve got to remember, his daughter is in kindergarten and his son is in 2nd grade, so they’re still kind of at that “monkey see, monkey do” age range.

Or rather, “monkey hear, monkey repeat.”

He thought it was gonna be okay, they were good kids so he figured telling them to forget they even heard it, they would let it go.

There was just one thing about his children that he didn’t account for.

As obedient and well behaved as his children were, they were also very curious.

That night at dinner they had all been sat down at the table, eating dinner and talking about their days. 

You had been feeding your infant son while Suna had been watching the 3 year old, the other 2 older children happily eating their food. Until...

“Hey mommy?” You looked at your daughter with a smile, “Yes baby?” She continued to eat her dinner, “What’s a b!tch?” Your eyes widened as your husband choked on his food, your baby laughing at the scene before him.

Hitting his chest and taking a sip of water Suna tried to catch his breath.

“Nezuko we don’t say that, where did you hear that?!” She tilted her head as she looked at you confused before turning to look at Suna, pointing a small finger at him.

“It was on the radio, daddy told us to ‘forget’ but I didn’t know what it meant...What does it mean?” You sent a glare towards your husband as you sighed.

After explaining to your daughter why it was bad to say those things and not to repeat everything she heard you cleaned up your kids and put them to bed.

...You had quite the conversation with your husband later that night.

Ushijima Wakatoshi: 

Ushijima had been on grocery duty this week since you had a meeting with a friend.

He had the Friday off, and since you weren’t home he took the kids with him.

Now, I would like you to know that you guys have 6 kids. S I X.

Growing up with no siblings and divorced parents, Ushijima wanted to make sure none of his kids were lonely.

Originally you guys had two, each kid had a buddy.

...but then you had a third, and you couldn’t just leave him alone...

so you had another...then another...

And now you guys have 6. But it’s okay cause you both love kids anyway~

He was doing his best, he truly was. He had his 2 youngest sitting in the little seat by the handle bar, 2 kids in the basket, 1 hanging onto the side and the oldest walking alongside him.

When they got to check out he had to take one of the kids out of the basket, so he opted for his 3rd oldest, his son Kazue, figuring he was older so it’d be a-okay.

He checked out his extensive amount of groceries before loading them up into his car, and his kids.

He pulled out of the grocery store parking lot and got on the road, his kids singing along to the radio and chatting amongst themselves.

They had been driving for 6 minutes when his oldest child, Ren, spoke up. “Uh, dad?” He hummed, briefly checking the rear view mirror before returning his gaze to the road. “When are we going back to get Kazue?” His face lost all color as his eyes widened.

As swiftly and safely as he could he pulled over to the side of the road, whipping around in his seat to take a head count. ‘1..2..3..4..5...oh sh-’ Turning back around he got back onto the road, taking the nearest u-turn and rushing back to the store. 

Unbuckling his kids from their carseats he hurried them back into the store, his oldest holding the 2nd borns hand, as he held all 3 of the younger ones in his arms.

He frantically entered the store, almost collapsing with relief when he saw his son sat at the customer service desk with the security guard, eating a lollipop before smiling when he saw his dad come to pick him up.

After giving proof that yes, he was his father, he took all of his kids back home after getting them some ice cream.

...this would be one conversation he was not excited to have with you....

Yahaba Shigeru: 

Yahaba and his 2 sons had been hanging out in the living room while you finished making some snacks in the kitchen.

Yahaba had been trying to set up a DVD player, you guys were going to watch some home-videos from your high school days but they were all on CD.

So, after borrowing one from his parents house, he set out to hook it up to the TV.

...Which was proving much more difficult then he first anticipated.

His two boys, Itsuki (6) and Hayato (8) were in there with him, ‘helping’ as they had called it.

Yahaba groaned as he sat back, a hand ruffling through his hair as he racked his brain to think of the problem.

You had finished preparing everything so you came in, with the food, and set it down on the coffee table.

You came up behind your husband, kneeling down behind him and placing your hands on his shoulders.

“How’s it going?” He sighed, leaning back into you.

“Well, I think I know what I need to do, I’m going to have to stick my hand back there though. Hey Hayato, can you help me out buddy?” The 8 year old excitedly nodded.

“Great, I need you to hold this flashlight here, hold it steady okay?” Hayato nodded with a ‘Yup!’ before Yahaba laid down on his side, maneuvering to where he could see the back of the TV.

All had been going well, he had just got it hooked up, and after having you test it, it worked!

He tried to get himself out from behind the TV, until a sharp edge caught his finger.

“Sh!t!” Your eyes widened, “Shigeru!” He hadn’t realized his slip up until he was out from behind the TV, faced directly with your glare.

“Kids, don’t say that.” His youngest blinked at him. “But why?”.

Kneeling down in front of him Yahaba tried to explain, but it was a little hard when you were glaring holes into the back of his head and his oldest was giggling at the situation.

*Iwaizumi Hajime: 

It was a weekend in summer vacation, and you and your husband were both off work.

This meant, you guys got a whole day to spend with your 3 boys, and one of the things you guys loved to do as a family was play games.

On this particular afternoon, your sons had chosen to play twister.

You were a little skeptical because you had 3 competitive, rambunctious boys. 

And an equally competitive rambunctious husband.

But after getting 4 identical pouts you couldn’t say no...

But, you elected to be the spinner. (..for your own safety)

“Left hand, green.” This put your middlest son in quite the predicament.

The only space available was the Green directly by his fathers hand, meaning he’d have to crawl under Iwaizumi.

“Okay Hajime, right hand, yellow.” Iwaizumi grimaced as he tried to reach it.

 This wasn’t good, the mat was slick, his hands were sweating-

“oOf” Before he could catch himself he had completely lost his balance, landing right on his son.

You gasped in horror as you saw the life get squeezed out of your 5 year old, scrambling from where you sat to check on your now pancaked son.

“...Hiro..are you okay..?” 

His small head shot up with a “I’m okay!” Before he, albeit wearily, stood up brushing off his godzilla t-shirt before continuing on with his life.

You took a deep breath as you sat back down, flashing a warning look towards your husband who sheepishly smiled and shrugged his shoulders.

And after checking that yes, your son really was okay, you guys continued on with some...safer games.

Futakuchi Kenji: 

You had left for a weekend visit to see your parents in your hometown, leaving your husband and Your 3 girls alone.

It was a friday night, so after having a less than healthy dinner, ice cream and a fair amount of other sweets, Futakuchi figured a movie before bed would be a good way to finish off the night.

He scrolled through netflix trying to find a movie he could watch with his girls.

“Daddy, can we watch snow white?!” Futakuchi looked down at his oldest, Hayami, before he shrugged. “Sure.”

He may be a guy, but he was not above watching princess movies if it meant his babies were happy. Besides, it was a disney movie, what bad could be in it!

Everything was going swell, until the witch showed up.

He felt the sick feeling of dread in his stomach as soon as he felt his middlest curl in tight to his side, his youngest hopping off of the couch and climbing into his lap.

...Disney SHOULD have been a safe bet, but with the way his 3 girls were clinging onto him for dear life, he probably should have previewed it first..

That night he put them to bed, reading them a quick story before giving them each a kiss on their forehead and tucking them into bed. 

15 minutes.

15 minutes of almost sleep when he heard you guys’ bedroom door creak open, 3 sets of little feet pad over to his side of the bed.

“...daddy..?” He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes as he opened them, brown eyes meeting the teary ones of his 3 children as they stood there. Speaking in as soft of a voice as he could he tried not to sound as tired as he knew he was.

“What is it munchkin?” His daughters all fidgeted where they stood, fiddling with the hems of their princess night gowns as they stood there.

“...We’re scared...can we sleep with you..?” Knowing he wouldn’t be able to get them to sleep like you could, and being incredibly tired himself he moved to the side, opening the covers and making room for all 3 of his princesses.

...This was going to be a long night for him.. 

Daishou Suguru: 

Daishou had been playing outside with his kids, his 2 year old son Kento and his 5 year old daughter Shizuko.

His son was sat on his shoulders, one of Daishou’s hands wrapped firmly around the boys ankles while the other pushed his daughter on the swing.

You had been inside getting dinner ready while they had been outside; smiling fondly at the smiles that were plastered on their faces.

When dinner had finished you walked to the sliding glass door, opening it and calling to them. “Dinners ready! Come inside and wash up so we can eat.” Your daughter and husband replied with ‘okay!’ as you went back to get plates. 

Slowing down the swing Daishou brought it to a stop so Skizuko could safely get off.

In all honesty, he was a good dad.

He was very mindful of his children and their surroundings, so they didn’t get hurt too often.

He was also very careful not to accidentally hurt them.

But accidents happen.

Walking to the back door, he, somehow either forgot or the thought didn’t register in his mind that his son was still perched on his shoulders.

He didn’t remember until a loud *whack!* was heard, and his sons cries sounded above him.

..He had tried going inside, through the door, with his son on his shoulders.

Bringing him down from his shoulders he quickly brought him inside to set him down on the counter, you almost screaming when you saw the bruise forming on his little forehead.

“Ah-wha-how- SUGURU! What happened?!”

Groaning Daishou gently put a small ice pack on his sons head, “...He whacked his head on the door frame...” You looked at him, “And how did he do that?”

Daishou sighed as he looked down, grimacing at the purple mark already present on his sons head.

...For the next few nights the couch became a good friend of his.

Numai Kazuma: 

Today was your son, Kazuya’s birthday. Today he would be turning 1.

Kazuya was the first, and so far only child you had with your husband of 3 years Kazuma Numai.

You and Numai were still learning how to be parents, and it had been an interesting journey to say the least, but you guys were doing good!

Your relatives and friends had just left, leaving you, Kazuma and your son.

It was pretty late so you started cleaning up in the kitchen and Numai started in the living room.

Kazuya had been pretty fussy, you both figuring he was tired, but when you tried to put him to sleep he wouldn’t even close his eyes.

So, deciding it’d be best to get it out of the way Numai held Kazuya as he was cleaning.

Things had been going just fine before Kazuya had reached out to grab at something on a nearby book shelf, causing the book shelf to start tipping over.

At that moment the only thing going through Numai’s mind was ‘stop the book shelf’, because at the moment, getting his son and him crushed by a bookshelf seemed like a very bad thing.

But what he hadn’t thought of was the fact that reflexively he had used both of his arms to stop said shelf (which didn’t even fall), the same two arms that had been holding his- “WAAAHH”

His eyes snapped down to the BABY he had just let go of, now crying on the floor.

You rushed into the living room, seeing your husband now cradling your still crying son, whispering apologies into his hair as he kissed the top of his head.

“Kazuma what happened?” 

He avoided eye contact. 

“...Kazuma...” Looking down he spoke.

“...I dropped him...”

...

“...you what?”

[genderqueerpositivity]

Tomorrow makes six months and one week on T!

TW: medical stuff, periods, the usual.

Earlier this month I had my six month appointment and blood tests, where we discovered that my T levels were too high to even be properly measured. Which was a little bit shocking but also not surprising; I was having some wild mood swings at that dose, as well as some random cramping. It really felt as though the changes I had been seeing previously slowed down at that dose; the theory is that my T levels were so high that the excess testosterone ended up being converted back to estrogen. Apparently some people just absorb T gels and creams very well.

The decision was made that I'd drop back down to my original starting dose, which is now perfectly fine with me. About two weeks out from that now, I've already noticed a difference. More stable mood, no more cramps.

I haven't got much else to add to that. My eyebrows seem thicker now? And I have a couple new chest hairs, I guess.

As far as the skin situation goes: someone suggested on one of my last posts that I switch from a razor to an electric shaver, so I did. I've noticed a big improvement since doing that!

I also started using tea tree oil on some of the spots on my face, and I think it's helped a lot. Unfortunately the tea tree oil is doing nothing for the acne that has suddenly appeared all over my chest (which I think has to do with sweating at work, where the A/C hardly works). The tea tree oil also isn't helping the irriated piercing that I originally bought it for (so if anyone knows how to get rid of an irritation bump on a facial piercing, let me know because ugh).

Six months on, I'm think I'm still mostly gendered as female? Although I did get called a gentleman last week and that was neat.

Here's my most recent thing from the voice analyzer app:

Over the phone, at drive thrus, in other situations where I'm heard better than I'm seen, my normal speaking voice passes for male now. It's the best. I do still have...an upper range? That isn't shown in this graph, that recording was taken at my normal speaking voice. My voice can still go a little higher than that, and I mostly catch myself doing that when I'm in louder environments where people have a harder time hearing me (mostly at work).

Apparently my period tracking app says it's been 50 days since my last period ended (which I think isn't quite accurate??). My last period happened on the dose of T that I'm now on again, so I don't know if my period is going to return once my T levels drop. I guess that is a wait and see situation. I would like to see it stop for good...but if it ends up being a few days every few months, I can probably tolerate that.

I've been debating getting the birth control implant anyway (the one that goes in the arm, not the one that goes in the uterus) at some point before the end of the year and my deductible resets.

Speaking of going to the doctor...I have to do that, because I'm past due an appointment and I'm low on my other medications. I...failed to mention that I'm on T now at my last appointment. It's more obvious now and I definitely ought to say something this time, but I am legitimately not sure what is going to happen when I do, so I've been putting off the entire appointment. Go me. I'm also avoiding their recommendation that I schedule a pap smear because I'd rather be hit by a bus, but I'm sure they're gonna try to insist on it if I go in talking about birth control. Dammit.

[midzilla]

I am four months on testosterone.

Last two updates I made of this, I was either just out of or at the end of a depressive episode, so its a bit weird to write this with... being fairly okay for the last few weeks. Wow, what a change.

I’m not magically healed of depression, my anxiety is still at times pretty intense, but my moods no longer feel like they are dipping so regularly.

I switched to gel early-ish May and idk if its a placebo effect or its actually working better for me hence the more stable moods. I got my blood collected today to check my T levels, hopefully they are still on pace.

In bad news, the one surgeon in Nova Scotia that did gender affirming surgery stopped doing so in May, and a few of the specialists who do the surgical readiness letter also stopped taking referrals. I got lucky and my nurse practitioner referred me to an internal medicine doctor who I had an appointment with last week (meaning, I have both letters now and can apply to MSI for funding). I’ll have to go to Montreal for surgery.

As for the changes updates, I continue not to feel much. I’ve been asked a couple times whether or not I had a cold. Its been fun lately stoking my chin hair. I need to get a new belt cause my pants won’t stay up, but idk if that’s a T change or a weight loss thing.

Have been struggling with loneliness lately. I signed up for a dating app for three days before deleting it cause the idea of meeting people as I am is so bad (plus just general anxiety). I know others go through similar things as I am right now but... it also feels like no one is. idk. I haven’t been getting depressed about it so that’s a plus.

Rolling onwards. I’ll probably think of more things I wanted to say after I post this.

[ooglywooglies]

big day

as for the rest of it, it was pretty much exactly what i expected i knew pretty much everything going in so he kinda spent most of the appointment complaining about red lining, which i dont mind like its good to know doctors are frustrated by it too. nearly exactly like the initial appointment i had with the gp except he spent a bit of extra time asking about my ethnicity bc its a bit funny in the ethnicity box i tend to just write vietnamese but bc i have an american accent its like oh thats not the full story is it

and no im actually only a quarter vietnamese, the rest is norwegian all of it is contained in america, and here i am in australia

as for top surgery, he was like the weights gonna be an issue. not bc it cant be done but bc none of the surgeons in this area are willing to do it if youre too overweight, apparently theres one on the gold coast that will. but im not annoyed at that part of the conversation bc he seemed to understand that the reason i might be overweight is bc i dont get enough exercise, and the reason i dont get enough exercise is nearly entirely because of dysphoria. so he said hes hopeful that T will help motivate me to get that workout routine down. it sounds very compelling so i hope thats what happens too.

and yeah like i said in the first part im doing gel, both doctors were very like "the butt shot fucking hurts you dont wanna do that" the first one was like gel is kinda weaksauce but this one was like no its goated actually just dont let your pets lick it or theyll die

and i think for me it was more a case of id rather be able to do it myself than have to go in and have someone do it for me regardless of how much more infrequent it is. i know thigh injections are also a thing, maybe well switch to that eventually idk. one selling point for me was that with the gel its a lot easier to change your mind and you can switch to the other methods at basically any time

so yeah i got the little script on orins phone and the dr was like id understand if you wanted to frame it bc thats your first ever T script after waiting to get it for so long and tbh i still havent really processed it

me and orin decided were gonna have a little celebration and have some drinks and stuff but idk, feels weird to be excited, doesnt really feel like anything quite yet

partly bc im fucking exhausted, like i said we did blood tests this morning at like 10 pm and then we had to fuck around until 2pm and the shopping centre was hot and i wore the worst underwear possible and my leg bones decided to eat shit and now ive got little blood blisters all over my ass and thighs

so yeah, big day

so uh im back from the doctor and i uh, i got my first T prescription today

we were talking about what kind i wanted to do and he sold me on the gel and then he wrote it up and was like oh yeah maybe dont start today because we need to check your levels and i was like yeah i literally just did a blood test today bc i figured id do it while i was out anyway

so probably still waiting til the 2nd to actually start bc thats when my OTHER doctor appointment is (where he planned to probably give me my first script) esp bc doctor i saw today apparently didnt get access to the results

so like im not starting immediately but... I GOT IT???????

[autumnleaves1991-blog]

Day 8: Dot, Dot, Dot (Agent Whiskey)

Day 8: Dot, Dot, Dot - Agent Whiskey 

Pairing:  Whiskey x Reader (Agent Apple) 

Rating: 18 + for language and mention of abuse/torture 

This is kind of a sequel to day one of the November writing challenge but can be read as a stand alone, if you would like to read part 1 I will link it below. 

Part 1 (Day 1: Heartbeat- Agent Whiskey)

November Writing Challenge Masterlist 

Day 7: Sculpted - Javier Pena 

I’m pregnant. - Apple 

… - Whiskey 

To be fair there was probably a better way to tell your boyfriend of eight months that you were carrying his baby instead of a text message but you panicked. The worst part of the whole thing was Whiskey’s reply or lack of. All day long you had been staring as the dot, dot, dot appeared on the phone before quickly disappearing. It was also probably a horrible time to do it while he was on a mission in India trying to take down a new crime syndicate that had popped up over there. Minor details right? 

It had been six hours since you had sent that text, and you had hoped for a least some sort of reply even if just an ok would have been fine. But, the waiting was killing you. Is he mad? Is he happy? Is he worried? Nervous? Excited? Your head began to spin before you took a seat in the lab chair with your head in your hands. 

You nearly screamed when a warm hand landed on your shoulder, “Whoa, Apple it’s just me!” Your best friend Tequila shot his hands in the air like he was surrendering, “are you ok? You're more jittery than a jackrabbit.” 

“....No” you can’t help the tears streaming down your face, and Tequila quickly pulls you into a hug. 

“What did that old bastard do? Did he hurt you?” Tequila asks in a rush rubbing circles on your back, “Whatever it is I’ll kill him for you.” 

You pull back, “NO! Please, don’t hurt him, he didn’t do anything wrong. It’s...oh I did something stupid Tequila and now I don’t even know how to fix it. I told Whiskey I was pregnant in a text message while he is gone on a mission and he hasn’t replied. I’m freaking out!” 

Several emotions passed across Tequila’s face in quick succession before shock stayed, “WAIT YOUR PREGNANT?!” he shouts across the lab. You jump up quickly slapping your hand over his mouth, “SHHHHHH! Goddamnit Tequila do you want the whole world to know!?” 

“Ok...ok yeah I’m sorry I just...how the hell? Well I know how babies are made but weren’t ya’ll using something? What the hell happened?” Tequila asks, going to hug you close again. 

You rest your head on his chest, arms wrapped tightly around his waist. “We always do, it was only ONE time a few months ago when he got home from that three week mission in Cambodia and I picked him up from the airport...I was just so dang excited to see him and I couldn’t wait to get home so...we kind of had sex in my car in the parking lot.” 

“God Apple, I was in that car yesterday when we went for lunch and now you're telling me that’s where you conceived you and Whiskey’s baby. I will never look at that car the same again.” 

You groan loudly before the sobs start again, damn hormones. “I was so nervous when I got the call that I didn’t even think before I texted him and now look what I get to see all day!” You whip out your phone shoving it towards Tequila’s face. 

“Dot, dot, dot… that’s all he wrote?” Tequila asks incredulously. 

“Yeah that’s it! Oh shit I have completely screwed this up haven’t I? He’s not going to want this, I mean especially after what happened to his wife, and we’ve only been together a few months, and-” 

“Do you love him?” Tequila cuts you off with his question. 

“Yes,” you answer without having to think about it, “Of course I love him.” 

“Then that’s all that matters. Just give it time, he should be back any day now from his mission and you will sit down and talk this through…. Apple do you want to have this baby?” 

“Yes,” it was the truth, since the moment the doctor’s office had called and confirmed the baby it became yours and Whiskey or not you were going to have this baby. 

“Ok then I have your back 100%, Uncle Tequila is going to be with you, every single step of the way.” Tequila pulls you back into a hug and you melt into his arms, knowing everything was going to be okay. 

The rest of the day and the three days following that are a blur. You haven’t heard anything more from Jack and your feeling more and more depressed about it. Luckily Tequila is there to pick up the slack, he makes sure you're eating, drinking lots of water, and even goes with you to the first ultrasound appointment. Telling the nurse very proudly that he’s the baby's Uncle. When you both saw the sonogram for the first time, you honestly couldn’t tell who was crying more. 

On the fourth day since you had sent the dreaded text message you finally heard from Jack. A single text message. 

Meet me in my office. - Whiskey 

Your heart leapt out of your chest and you reread the message over and over again before pinching yourself to make sure it was real. It was. You walk out of the lab in a sort of trance going over to the elevator and hitting the button for the eleventh floor. The whole ride up you feel like throwing up and you honestly don’t know if that’s from nerves or the pregnancy. 

When you reach the large oak door, you knock hesitantly, the door swings open almost immediately and you are grabbed quickly before being yanked forward. The door shutting behind you. The room is pitch black and you can’t make anything out except that someone is holding you tightly against the door, their hands running all over your body. Before a warm mouth lands on yours. You sigh, you would know those lips anywhere. 

“Jack” you moan when you're able to catch your breath, “Jack, what the hell are you doing? Turn on some lights in here.” 

Jack's breathing is labored and you reach behind you for the light switch. When the light comes on you gasp. Jack never looks anything but immaculate but right now he’s a mess. No shoes, dirty jeans, wearing nothing but a sweat and blood drenched white t-shirt, and let’s not forget the bruises. His hands are slightly swollen, and purple, he’s leaning heavily on his right side, a black eye, and his nose looks broken. But all of that is nothing compared to his eyes, bloodshot, exhausted, and glassy with unshed tears. 

“Oh...my god, Jack what the hell happened to you?” You rush around the room pulling his chair closer before you sit him down in the chair. You run over to the phone calling for Ginger in the lab to come with a med kit. 

You try to help him remove his shirt but he’s hurt bad. You grab the scissors off his desk and begin cutting your way down the shirt. Underneath there’s even more bruises and a long jagged line made by some kind of knife. Ginger arrives moments later and gasps at his state, saying he arrived an hour ago and didn’t say anything to anyone. The two of you work quickly to get him patched up and healing, applying alpha-gel and bandages where needed. It’s only when you begin stitching up the wound on his chest that Whiskey breaks. 

The tears slide down his cheeks and he openly sobs. Ginger looks at you and you nod letting her know she can leave before you kneel in front of Jack. “Baby, what’s wrong? We will get you all healed up, you don’t have to worry about a thing.” 

“They took my phone,” the broken voice of your lover leaves you breathless, “I was tortured for days and one day they came in and showed me the message from you...they told me I was never going to see you again...that they were going to kill me, and I would never see you or our baby ever again.” 

Your heart begins to beat even faster and the tears begin to form in your own eyes, before you reach up and gently put your hands on his cheeks. “Baby, it’s over now. You're not there anymore. I’m safe, we’re both safe.” You remove your hands to put them over your slightly raised bump. Jack looks down before putting his hands over yours. 

“I’m done sugar,” he whispers brokenly, and for a moment you fear he means with you, “I am going to tell Champ today, I can’t do field work anymore. I don’t want to miss a single moment in our child’s life.” 

“But...Jack you love being a field agent���” you start but he quickly cuts you off. 

“I LOVE YOU MORE!” he shouts, “I….I can’t be a field agent and have you waiting around for me to not come home from a mission. I don’t want our baby not to know his or her father. I know we haven’t been together long but I am going to always choose you because I have been in love with you for a lot longer than we’ve been together!” 

You don’t move for several minutes before you quietly respond, “oh Jack I love you too baby. I want to be with you and raise this baby with you and grow old with you.” 

“Sugar, I want that too. So goddamn much,” he pulls you towards him pressing his mouth hard to your own. 

When you break apart you ask him quietly, “Would you like to see our baby?” 

Jack nods quickly before helping you to stand. You go back over to the door where you had thrown your lab coat off and riffle through the pockets looking for the sonogram photo. You take it out and hand it to Jack. 

Jack spends a long time just staring at the picture of the tiny human growing inside you. When he finally looks up at you, fresh tears are making their way down his face. Your own cheeks are wet with them as well. He gently places the photo on the table before gesturing you forward. His hands reach out for you and when you get close enough he pulls your shirt up slowly. His hands rub gently over the small mound and he places his lips to your stomach. 

“Your daddy is here, little one. No one is ever going to take me away from you or your mama again. I will be here for you every step of the way. I love you so much,” Jack looks up meeting your eyes and you see the reflection of love in his eyes back at you. 

Day 9: No, you don’t -Maxwell Lord 

[stars-in-my-universe]

Need You Part 4: Tyler Seguin

You know the drill, let me know what you think! I love Dad Tyler, it hits a soft spot inside of me. 

x-x

“Ava, come on baby. Please just sleep.” It had been a long night, you had gotten home from work, Nicole had watched Ava all afternoon and as soon as you got home it was like a switch had flipped and your daughter had decided to become the biggest brat. She was refusing to eat, refusing to sleep. She wasn’t dirty and didn’t need a new diaper. She had no fever, she was fighting sleep with everything in her and all you wanted was for her to close her eyes.

She let out another scream and continued to cry, grabbing at your hair but also pushing your face away making you have to adjust the grip you had on her. The two of you had been going at this for about three hours now and you were on the verge of crying yourself.

“Ava, please baby. Go to sleep, it’s okay.” You sat on the bed with her and rocked her back and forth which she angrily cried out. You had no idea what was wrong with her and you were five seconds away from calling your mom for help until your phone rang. For a split second Ava stopped her crying, her bottom lip quivering. Without even thinking you picked the phone up and let out a ‘hello?”

“Y/n?” It was Tyler, of course it was. After he had come over to meet her he would stop by and check in on you two, he would try to spend time with her throughout the week at your apartment and he would bring you food as well. Sometimes he would even stay late to put her to bed, but beyond Ava the two of you haven’t really talked about your personal relationship.

“Hey Tyler. Right now isn’t the greatest time.” As if to prove your point Ava let out a blood curdling scream making you cringe.

“Holy shit, is that Ava?” You groaned.

“Yeah she’s been crying for three hours straight now. I don’t know what to do.” You glanced at the clock above the door noticing that it was close to 11 pm now.

“She’s not hungry or anything?” You rolled your eyes.

“I have tried everything, Tyler. Feeding, new diaper, toys, she doesn’t feel sick. She’s not constipated. She’s just tired but won’t go to sleep.” Tyler let out a hmmmm.

“Well I have to go, Tyler. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

“I’ll be there in like 20 minutes okay?” You almost dropped the phone.

“Tyler a screaming baby is probably not the way you want to spend a Saturday night. It’s okay I’ll call my mom and she’ll-”

“Y/n, she’s my daughter okay? I’ll be over soon.” You didn’t know what to say and you were pretty sure you looked like complete shit. You still had your scrubs on, your hair was a mess in a bun and you didn’t have any makeup on. But all those worries slipped away when Ava proceeded to grab at the loose strands of your hair and pull.

You got up and decided to see if maybe she wanted to eat, so lifting the scrub off your chest you pulled down your bra and see if she wanted it. Ava instead pushed at your chest and whimpered. Tucking yourself back in you got up with her in your arms and walked around the apartment, her cries still coming in frequently but not as loud. You started to hum to her, even mumbling some of the words which caught her attention. She was staring up at you now but her lips were still quivering.

Sooner than you expected you heard a knock on the door; making your way to the living room you walked over to the door and opened it nearly crying at the sight in front of you. Tyler stood on your doorstep in sweat pants and a t-shirt, a target bag in his hand and a slushie from Sonics in the other.

“Oh, Y/n.” Tyler stepped into the apartment and closed the door behind him but before he could get comfortable Ava let out a cry making the both of you cringe and look down at her in your arms. Tyler threw the bag on the couch along with his phone and wallet and put the slushie on the table.

“Okay, so you’re going to give me Ava, you’re going to go take a shower, get comfortable. I’ll put the slushie in the freezer for now and then when you come back out we can sit on the couch and watch a movie till she falls asleep, okay?” You didn’t know what to do. You usually had help but not like this, you never had someone come at 11 at night to help you with your daughter but here Tyler was. Looking like he was ready to spend the night, taking your daughter from your arms and getting comfy on your couch. Ava quieted down a bit when Tyler started cooing at her, the small smile on his face making your stomach do a flip.  

You got caught up in gazing at the two that you almost missed Tyler calling your name.

“Go shower!” You jumped at his voice and heard him laugh as you made your way to the bathroom to shower. You stripped your clothes off, turned the shower on making sure it was warm and then jumped in quickly washing your body, your hair and honestly even shaving your legs because you’ll probably never have this much time in a shower for a while. You got out of the shower, drying off fast and throwing some lotion on and brushing your hair out then putting it into a bun. You ran into your room and threw on some shorts and a tank top and before you knew it you were already a little bit more relaxed.

You made your way back into the living room and you noticed how quiet the apartment actually was. There was no more crying baby and you were partially confused and partially impressed. You walked into the living room and saw Tyler on the couch with Ava, the only difference was Ava was half asleep in his arms, chewing on what looked to be like a chew ring?

“Tyler?” He looked over at you and smiled.

“Your slushie is in the freezer.” You nodded and went to the kitchen and grabbed the slushie out of the freezer, slushies from Sonic were always your favorite and you were surprised Tyler had stopped to get you one.

You sat down next to him and raised an eyebrow at him.

“Don’t give me that look, I kind of know about babies. I do have a God daughter and I do have sisters.” You gave him another look as you drank your slushie.

“I figured she was teething, I didn’t know if she actually had teeth but I know you said you’re still breastfeeding so I figured she didn’t have too many.” Of course she was teething, the doctor told you around four to five months her teeth would be coming in. Now you just felt bad because your daughter was in pain and you thought she was just being a brat.

“So I stopped at Target and bought some teething rings for her and I also put a couple in the freezer, the cold is supposed to help the swelling of her gums.” You nodded.

“Did you know they had an ass load of baby teething rings?!” You laughed at Tyler’s face, he looked so upset at how many options there were.

“No I didn’t considering I didn’t even think she would be in pain because of her teeth.” Tyler glanced up at you.

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean anything by it.” You shook your head.

“You didn’t do anything wrong, I should’ve been more aware. I don’t know why I didn’t think about it.” Tyler shook his head.

“You’re a first time mom, there’s a lot to remember honestly. The only reason why I remembered was because I remember Bishop saying his kid used to cry a lot when he was teething.” You nodded and glanced at the target bag that clearly still had items in it.

“What else did you get?” Tyler shifted Ava in his arms who seemed to be almost asleep.

“I bought some teething gel and some baby Tylonel and baby advil I didn’t know if she could have one or the other.” You were really taken back by Tyler and everything he had done tonight.

“No offense but didn’t you have a game tonight or like...I don’t know friends or a party?” You didn’t quite know how to word it without it sounding rude.

“I told you I wanted to be a part of her life, that includes the difficult times as well.” You nodded not really know what to say to him. It was a lot, he was on your couch in sweats and a t-shirt that made his arms look good and he had trimmed his beard and his hair was kind of messy and he just looked so relaxed that you didn’t really know what to do or feel.

“There was actually something I wanted to talk to you about.” You glanced at him, taking your eyes off of Ava.

“If you are comfortable, I want to tell my mom and sisters about her.” You kind of froze not knowing how to react to it, You knew eventually he would want to tell his family, it was only fair. But at the same time you’ve done such a great job at keeping her a secret you were kind of unsure.

“It’s not that I don't trust your family, I totally do Tyler. It’s just…” He nodded.

“I know it’s a lot but I know my mom would love to help and so would my sisters. All three of them adore you and I think they would adore Ava as well.” You nodded knowing that he was right.

“I just, I need them to keep her out of the spotlight, I don’t want the world knowing about her just yet, especially the NHL. They wouldn’t be able to post her, not yet anyways.” Tyler nodded.

“That’s fair but then can I ask when?” You shrugged.

“We just got onto an even playing ground, Tyler. Can we get used to this before anything else.” Tyler didn’t say anything as he stared down at Ava who was now completely asleep. Both of you jumped when his phone rang from the table, he immediately leaned forward to silence it. He checked the screen before answering the call.

“Hey,” There was a moment of silence before he continued.

“No. I’m not home. Probably won’t be for a while.” You felt your stomach drop.

“No, not tonight.” He was rocking Ava back and forth as she shifted in his arm.

“Alright, yeah. Tell them not tonight, maybe next week. Alright, bye.” You didn’t say anything as he put his phone back on the table. You knew his friends probably wanted him to go out but instead he was here trying to prove himself to you so he could be in Ava’s life.

You got up and motioned for him to hand you Ava. He stood up and pulled the teething ring from her mouth and handed her to you. You thanked him and walked to your room to put her in her crib, you tucked her in and put her night light on as well as the baby monitor. Walking back out of the room you were met with Tyler’s solid chest,

“Shit sorry, I just wanted to make sure she was still asleep.”

“Yeah she stayed asleep, you don’t have to stay anymore. You can go.” Your tone sounded a bit harsher than you meant it to. He didn’t move, just arched an eyebrow at you.

“What’s wrong?” You shook your head and pushed past him.

“You shouldn’t be here on a Saturday night, Tyler.” He let out a laugh.

“What?”

“You shouldn’t be here. This isn’t what you want to do on a Saturday night. I don’t expect you to be around all the time.” He didn’t say anything as he followed you to the living room.

“You’re pushing me away...why?” You rolled your eyes.

“What are you trying to do? You buy her this stuff, you come in the middle of the night, you stay instead of going with your friends? Like why? What’s the point?” Glancing up at him you could tell you managed to piss him off.

“She’s my daughter, Y/n. My fucking daughter. I fucked up so I’m trying to make up for it and be here for her. You needed help, do you know how exhausted you sounded on the phone?” You huffed at him.

“I don’t need your help, Tyler. I don’t need you to constantly be here, I’ve done just fine without you! I don’t need to get comfortable with you being around but as soon as it gets hard or you get into a serious relationship you just stop showing up. I can’t put myself through that, either Ava is going to have a father in her life or she won't. I won’t put her through this back and forth, Tyler.”

“So that’s it then?” You watched him run a hand through his already messy hair. He pinched his bottom lip and shook his head.

“I wouldn’t do that to you, we were friends before this.”

“Yeah and look how you treated me as a friend.”

“I apologized for that, you know I did. I wouldn’t just leave again, I’m trying to introduce her to my family, Chubbs and Bish know, they would hang me by the balls if I just left.” You didn’t say anything, this was scary and new to you.

“I want to be here, Y/n. I want to watch her grow up, I want to watch her take her first steps. Even if it is just as friends. We could co-parent, I have a lot to learn clearly but so do you. It doesn’t need to be difficult.” You felt your heart break a bit at the word friends but then again what did you expect? He didn’t give up his single freedom before. Why would he now?

“I just-” He took a step closer to you and brought you into his chest, wrapping his arms around you.

“I miss you, I miss our friendship and I’m willing to work on this while parenting Ava. I’m willing to be here every night or day if you need me to be just so I can get more time with the both of you. I am so sorry for everything I put you through but I’m here now and the only thing you can do is trust me.” You knew he was right but you were still having trouble letting go of the doubt.

“I’ll do my best Tyler. This isn’t easy.” You pulled away from him and looked up at him.

“I had to get used to raising her alone, now I have to get used to someone willingly being here for me to help raise her?” Tyler nodded and rubbed the skin underneath your shirt on your lower back.

“I know, but I’m willing to help.” You let out a sigh and nodded.

“Just you can still go out and stuff and I know you have games and practices but like-” He shook his head and grabbed your hand.

“Games are my job and so are my practices but I haven’t been going out as much since we took the test. It doesn’t feel right.” He had lead you back into the living room and pulled you down onto the couch with him.

“I just I mean, if you start dating someone can you let me know like if it’s serious.” He let out a laugh.

“Y/n, I literally just met the most beautiful girl that will forever change my life. I have a daughter, the furthest thing from my mind is dating.” You felt yourself smile at his answer even though a part of you wished he wouldn’t date because he had feelings for you. But you two needed to focus on being friends first and create a healthy relationship for Ava before anything else.

“Now, can we please just watch a movie and relax the rest of the night?” You couldn’t really say no as he pulled you closer to him and you rested your head on his chest. You felt at peace, with Ava asleep and Tyler searching through netflix for a movie. You closed your eyes and allowed yourself for a second to picture that this was your future even if it was just for the night.

X-x

It had been a couple days since Tyler had come over and you had decided to call Nicole to fill her in on what happened but she immediately cut you off before you could say anything.

“Y/n, have you read twitter lately?” You had gotten a phone call from Nicole. Her voice was laced with worry as you opened the app.

“No, why?” You were trying to feed Ava and eat breakfast and now look on social media.

“Go to NHL’s twitter.” You pressed the profile and you almost dropped your bowl of cereal.

“How do they know?” Nicole let out a sigh.

“I don’t know, I just saw it right now.” You stared at the screen that read “Dallas star’s has a new Dad on the team! Congrats Tyler Seguin, We hear it’s a girl!” You felt all the air leave your body and you had to remind yourself your child was feeding before you had a panic attack.

“You want me to come over.” You let out a yeah. You hung up with your best friend and continued to stare at the article not bringing yourself to click the link. You watched as your phone went off, you ignored it. Then it rang, then it notified that you had a text. All from Tyler. You didn’t know what to say to him, you were still in shock. You turned your phone off and waited in the living room for Nicole unsure of what to even do. You looked down at Ava who was holding her chew ring to her mouth, her eyes wide with curiosity and before you knew it you had tears streaming down your face.

You weren’t strong enough for the hate and backlash you were about to go through. You weren’t strong enough to have to fight off interviewers and angry fans that loved Tyler. You weren’t strong enough for any of it but somewhere deep down you knew for the little girl in your arms you were going to have to be.

[carbon--14]

two years here! i started my first year on the gel before switching to injections, so i’m about at the 1.5 year expectation mark as well. some notable things from me:

hair changes. my hair is wavier, thicker, and coarser than it was pre-t. it’s also much oilier and i have to wash it once a day otherwise it looks like i haven’t bathed in a week.

i had scalp irritation in the early days of my hair changing. a LOT of it. your hair physically gets thicker and coarser very quickly and it can make your scalp not happy.

your skin will get oily as well. get some good quality face soap that won’t irritate your skin, you’ll need it.

my acne has been SERIOUS. i had minimal acne pre-t and now have breakouts all over my back and face all the time, despite washing my face twice a day and using a retinol face lotion to deal with the discoloration. i am seriously considering going on accutane once i get the OK post-op. this is largely genetic so it may not be an issue for you, i inherited it from my dad.

the stinkiness subsides after a while. in my early days the BO was awful by the end of the day even with deodorant. now that’s not so much the case.

i didn’t experience the vocal change pain, and my fatigue was milder, but still very much there. my voice is also still changing a lot and hasn’t dropped a ton, though.

METABOLISM CHANGES. i am hungry all the time. after switching to injections i was ABSOLUTELY RAVENOUS FOR PROTEIN to the point where i was eating peanut butter out of the jar and shredding costco rotisserie chicken straight out of the fridge for a snack. if you’re eating a lot more, don’t be surprised. your body’s going crazy.

the fat and muscle redistribution is a very slow process. you will not notice your changes until very far down the line. and keep in mind that t cannot fix bone structure— i have wide hips and always will. but my thighs have slimmed, my chest, shoulders, and jawline are broader, and i’ve started storing fat around my belly instead of my hips.

speaking of which, i have been going through periods of weight gain and loss that fluctuate! any physical activity causes me to lose weight and build muscle much quicker than before t, but then i lose it fast too. but i was the same way growing up.

i actually grew about an inch, somehow! i don’t think that’s common.

i didn’t get noticeable facial hair until recently and it’s patchy. if you’re looking for that, shave regularly. it’ll grow back in darker and thicker as you do.

as for the bottom growth and libido changes, they are some of the first things to happen and they are quite intense. as in, i was a sex-repulsed aroace before t and now i am not. the process is uncomfortable and weird. but also different for everyone!

IF YOU ARE EXPERIENCE NOTICEABLE INCREASED ANGER OR YOU’RE BECOMING TESTY, YOUR DOSAGE IS TOO HIGH AND YOU NEED TO CONTACT YOUR DOCTOR. T SHOULD NOT MAKE YOU ANGRY ALL THE TIME. this happened to me when i upped my dosage from 2 pumps a day to 3 while on the gel. i would get pissed off and snap way easier than before, to the point where i was being a total dick to my mom. turned out that my t level was so high that my body was converting it into estrogen. this was actually why i ended up switching to injections. always be able to get in contact with a doctor and get your hormone levels checked every few months.

t gel is extremely uncomfortable if you have sensory issues, as it feels like putting hand sanitizer on your shoulders. it also has a cross-contamination risk so you need to be careful about who comes in contact with your clothes, bedding, etc. it’s also slower. it does work, but it takes much longer.

t injections are very easy and largely painless. i got training from my doctor on how to do it properly. takes 5 mins and i usually don’t bleed! personally i think subcutaneous is the way to go: smaller needle, less soreness, and you can do it in your stomach instead of your thigh.

hey. trans guys on T. can you tell me what effects i should expect. i need to know for reasons

[remuswriting]

Okay hi I’m trying to get on T soon and I wanna take the gel- if you’re comfortable with sharing can you tell me how often you use it and where you have to use it? If not you can definitely delete this!

You put it on every day right after you shower.  Be sure you’re dry though.  You’re supposed to do it in the morning but I just make sure to do it before 4pm because I either sleep in or have class from 9am-1pm.  You apply it to your stomach, inner thighs, and shoulders (like the back of your shoulders, from each side im not sure if that makes sense).  Make sure to wash your hands thoroughly when you’re done applying and cover all the areas you applied the gel because you do not want anyone touching it.  Don’t ask me what to do about it with sex because I don’t know.  I’m not fully knowledgeable, so make sure to ask your doctor for more questions. 

I wish I was still on the shot, it is so much more effective and you don’t have to do it every day.  I just can’t give myself a shot and I can’t get anyone to do it for me where I live since I don’t see my mom (a nurse practitioner) every weekend.  Sure, I nearly passed out from the pain sometimes but I’d rather that than having to put it on me every week.

Testosterone will make you break out no matter what your skin type is like because it’s a second puberty.  When I started taking it, I started breaking out on my shoulders and back pretty bad but when I switched to the gel, it just got worse.  I have acne scars all over my back and shoulders, which makes me really self-conscious but it wasn’t like I was planning to be shirtless around anyone any time soon.  My acne on my face didn’t get worse, but I’ve always had mild to severe acne depending on my stress levels.  I’ve just never had it on my shoulders.  So, take that into account.

There’s a shot where it’s similar to an insulin needle, which apparently isn’t all that bad.  I just have severe anxiety around giving myself a shot.  I can get shots just fine but giving myself one can send me into a panic attack just thinking about it.  My doctor said the gel doesn’t show results as fast, so also be aware of that.

I hope this was helpful.

[largebluepanda]

Max’s hacks for taking T

I’ve been taking T for a little over a year now, and realized that there are some things that I do that might be helpful for others to know! (Disclaimer: please listen to everything your doctor tells you. Always take their word over mine. I’m not a medical expert, just a guy that wants to make T less difficult.) All of these tips are from someone who does injections on their own, and may not apply to different methods.

1. Ask your doctor if you can switch to taking half your dose every week. This helped me tremendously, because I had a constant flow in my body. T in the body lasts roughly 2 weeks, so taking it every week means that you don’t get that dramatic drop and then skyrocket in levels that really used to bother me.

2. If you’re allergic to adhesives like me, consider buying those tiny circular band-aids! I sometimes scar from larger bandages, but with these little guys and a bit of aloe gel to soothe my skin afterwards that doesn't happen much anymore.

3. Inject yourself at the start of the chorus of a song! Man, this one was hugely helpful for when I first started giving myself my own injections and still now! Knowing that the needle is going in me when that chorus hits whether I like it or not is so good to keep me from getting freaked. And listening to the music is nice in general. I’ve made a playlist for myself of Songs I Take T to so I don’t have to think of a new one if I don’t feel like it. (I’d highly recommend The Chain by Fleetwood Mac for the section when the bass plays and Lizzo’s Good As Hell just because.)

4. This tip might be a bit more extreme and probably wont be the best choice for everyone. But it helped me to get a tattoo outlining the injectable sections of my leg so I don’t inject in the same place every time (which I’m super afraid of). I also got a very square like shape with subsections that I can subsection myself (each corner and the middle) to make it even more dispersed. Even though the result was a little smaller than I realized I wanted, Having a permanent frame of reference is so nice and eases my anxiety a lot. I’m planning on getting it on the other leg too. It’s also nice to see it when showering or wearing shorts and being reminded that I’m living my true life.

5. Ask if your pharmacy how many needles/syringes you can buy for the same price you're paying. I found that at my pharmacy (through my university) was charging me a flat fee whether I bought 10 needles or 3, and asking them to give me as many as I can buy for about $10 got them to give me a huge amount (I can’t remember how many) and save over $400. I’m not sure if all pharmacies do this but it doesn’t hurt to ask.

6. Get a cute little little container for your T supplies! I have a huge bag filled with bulk needles etc. in my closet and keep just enough to last me for a month in these cute plastic drawers I got from a dollar store. It makes things so much more fun and lighthearted and less scary to pull my supplies out of my tiny $1 dresser! :)

7. I learned this one from my dance instructor after asking for her help. Right before injecting put your index finger and thumb around where you plan on injecting and shake your quad out. This will get it warm and for lack of a better word, pliable. Less painful in my opinion. Make sure not to touch the spot you’re injecting if you’ve already sterilized it.

8. Give yourself a treat after every injection! I usually go for an ice cream sandwich or something similar but rewarding yourself with anything that you like, whether it’s food or drawing or watching a TV show, having something to look forward to after the ouch helps me get mine done without waiting too long.

If it ends up that everyone already knows all of these things I’m sorry if I wasted your time. I hope this helps someone! Feel free to message me with questions or if you just want to chat! And to everyone that wants to start T but can’t yet, the result is worth the wait. I believe in you. Stay strong, my brothers.

[burgeonmeraki]

My Current Skincare Routine

I believe in investing in your skin because it's going to represent you for a very long time. As much as I love wearing makeup, I’d still wanna look natural on the outside. But I also want to go out in public and not wear that much makeup. That’s why I'm a big believer that if you focus on your skincare, you really won't need a lot of makeup. Skincare is self-care.

Just a background story of my skin lol.

This is me back in High School.

Back when I was in high school (the puberty period), I literally have no problem with my skin. I never had any kind of breakout the whole high school life, and for that, I considered myself lucky. I don’t know if it’s in our genes or what, but I think my irregular period explained why I don't break out? I'm not sure hehe.

But when I stepped into college, that’s when I started having cystic acne, just once every month. I noticed my skin reacts in a different environment than I’m used to. Like when I was in college, I was studying in Manila. Manila is known for its air pollution because of traffic congestion. I have also found out that the water in Manila has chlorine, and I feel like my skin gets irritated, and that causes acne or breakout.

My brother who lives in South Korea sent a lot of skin care products. ca. 2017

I started using skincare products when I was in college, but mostly it's just facial wash, toner, and moisturizer. Then 3 years ago, I started putting serum on my face, a sheet mask or clay mask, and my skin feels so good after. My face feels so hydrated and the product that I used which is Innisfree works for me.

April 2018

RECENT BREAKOUT STORY (2020)

Ever since this pandemic and lockdown happened, I started breaking out. My skin became super oily, I thought maybe it was just the heat because it was summer then. I update my skincare, and nothing seems to work on me. And then I thought, maybe it was a hormonal imbalance, so I started taking pills for two months, still not working. The worst part of it, my pimples are cystic. Before, whenever I get a pimple it was just once every month. But now, when one pimple heals, there's another one comes, and they're mostly on my T-zones, which is the oiliest part of my face. I was so stressed about it, so I decided to see a Dermatologist at Cutis Essentials. Take note: this is my first time seeing and consulting a Dermatologist.

In order for the Doctor to treat me, she asked me a bunch of questions like, what kind of product do I use, she asked about my skin history and family history, and if I am taking some medicines or vitamins, and so on. And from that, I have learned that too much Vitamin E, B6, and B12 can cause acne. I have never taken any kind of vitamins in my whole adult life because I hate drinking medicines, but since there's a virus spreading all over the world, killing millions of people, I started taking it to boost my immune system. She gave me an oral medicine called Doxycycline and Epiduo Gel that dries up my acne. I stopped taking my pills and multivitamins and just stick to Vitamin C. I also stopped using this cleanser St. Ives Apricot Scrub and switch to a more mild facial cleanser. And hurrah, I finally see a good result. My face started clearing up little by little, and the oiliness lessens a bit. All I need to do is to get rid of my dark spots, which takes time.

The thing with doing your skincare routine, you have to stick with it consistently. And I gotta admit, there are days that I'm so lazy to do it and just skip some steps. Like sometimes I just removed my makeup, washed it, then put some toner to clean the excess dirt, then I'm done. That's my slacky routine. Don't do it hehe.

I did a one week sheet mask challenge and my skin feels so good after. I definitely recommend this product that I got from BeautyMnl. It’s called Superfood Coconut Salad Mask Package from the brand Farm Skin.  Last pic on the lower right, that’s The Ordinary AHA 30% + BHA 2% Peeling Solution. 

A video of my skincare routine. Sorry if it’s a bit confusing LOL. I’ll make a better video next time hehe. 

MY CURRENT SKINCARE ROUTINE & HOW TO LAYER PRODUCTS:

I want to be clear, I am not a dermatologist or esthetician, but this method has worked for me. If your skin is irritated, I recommend hitting the reset button and start from scratch. Try introducing new products one at a time and use it consistently for a few days to see if it's working for you. Also, try to learn more about what your skin needs. Like if you have dry skin, moisturizer and hydrate i every day. If you have an oily skin like me, try to lessen the products that’s very greasy, and don’t use it during the day. Just stick with light moisturizer. It is a little bit of a process and takes time, but once you have it figured out, your skincare routine will be on autopilot, and your skin will look better and better.

Here are the products that I am currently using:

FACIAL CLEANSER

Brand: COSRX

AC Collection Foaming Cleanser

Cosrx is a Korean product. This gentle foam cleanser fights acne. It manages excess oil, without stripping skin of essential moisture. With BHA to exfoliate, lauric acid to provide antibacterial support, and centella ingredients to soothe, this creamy cleanser clears skin while keeping irritation at bay. | I have been using this for 3 months now and the brand works on me. My skin feels so soft after using this.

TONER

Brand: COSRX

AHA/BHA Clarifying Treatment Toner

Formulated with AHA, BHA and purifying botanical ingredients, the AHA/BHA Clarifying Treatment Toner works to soothe, refresh and soften the skin. It is effective for hydrating evening skin tone and texture, and it’s a mild exfoliation. | This toner for me is very gentle and it doesn’t sting and harsh like the other toner that I used before.

MOISTURIZER

Brand: COSRX

AC Collection Light Weight Soothing Moisturizer

This cream moisturizer provides light, non-sticky hydration for acne-prone skin. Made with asiatic acid, niacinamide, and zinc salt, it calms and strengthens skin’s moisture barrier while controlling excess oil. | I love this moisturizer! It’s not greasy so it’s okay to use it during the day because it’s fast-absorbing.

SERUM

Brand: THE ORDINARY

Niacinamide 10% + Zinc 1%

The Ordinary comes from Canada. A high-strength vitamin- and mineral-packed formula to minimize the look of blemishes. Contains a high 10% concentration of niacinamide (vitamin B3); reduces the appearance of spots, marks, and congestion; supported by zinc salt of pyrrolidone carboxylic acid to balance visible aspects of sebum activity. | I’ve heard a lot of good reviews about this product so I tried it, and the brand works for me. It just really takes time to lighten up my dark spots but it works.

EXFOLIATION

Brand: THE ORDINARY

AHA 30% + BHA 2% Peeling Solution

A 10-minute liquid mask treatment that exfoliates to visibly improve skin texture and tone. This product goal is to enhance brightness, even out skin, and decongest pores; exfoliates the topmost epidermal surface; helps fight visible blemishes for improved radiance; reduces the look of fine lines with continued use. | Take note: this peeling solution stings for a few sec, but it’s tolerable. Read the instruction first before using this product. When I first used this, I noticed my skin feels like a glass skin, like it looks healthy. I was expecting my face to peel,  but it didn’t. I only use this 2-3x a week or whenever my skin needs it. 

PROTECTION

Brand: THE ORDINARY

Vitamin C Suspension 30% in Silicone

Helps reverse multiple signs of skin aging with vitamin C, an effective antioxidant; naturally brightens and refines tone and texture; feels smooth on the skin thanks to very light silicones despite the suspension format of the formulation. | I just recently purchased this and I think it’s a great add for my skincare routine to reduce all the blemishes on my face and fights skin aging because well, I’m not getting any younger anymore. This one is a bit greasy so I only use this in the evening, and it has an off smell but fades away for a few sec.

CLAY MASK

Brand: INNISFREE

Super Volcanic Pore Clay Mask 2X

Innisfree is a Korean product. Features 2x more powerful adherence to sebum for intensive pore care; provides triple exfoliation from encapsulated Jeju volcanic scoria, walnut shell powder, and AHA; enhanced deep cleansing formula removes away fine dust particles, pore-clogging dirt, and dead skin cells; provides powerful sebum-absorbing capacity as it washes away impurities while moisturizing and brightening skin; leaves a cooling sensation when applied that refreshes pores. | I have been using the 1.0 version of this for 3 years, which is the Super Volcanic Pore Clay Mask without 2x. I super love this clay mask because this brighten up my dark spots so fast. I only use this 2-3x a week or whenever my face needs it. I recommend this product.

SHEET MASK

Brand: INNISFREE

My Real Squeeze Mask

These face masks are dew-licious skin treats that target your skin's unique concerns and bump your entire routine up a notch. | So Innisfree has a lot of sheet mask that can be tailored to your skin's daily needs. All I can say that whenever I use this sheet mask, my face feels so hydrated, and fresh. It’s an instant boost for my skin. So every time my face looks so dry and dull, I use this product. 

LASH BOOST

Brand: SKIN GENIE

Hair Growth Booster

Skin Genie is a Philippine product. This nourishing clear serum is the answer to fuller brows and lashes. It helps minimize hair loss, prevent breakage, and prime the strands for healthier regrowth. | This product smells so good and I noticed that my lashes became more stronger, longer, and a bit thicker. It will just take times but it works its magic. I put this if I’m about to sleep because the serum goes inside my eyes and kinda sting a little bit.

LIP CARE

Brand: VASELINE

Lip Therapy

A lip-healing jelly with a mouthwatering chocolate fragrance for silky, supple lips. Clinically proven to moisturize chapped lips; instantly softens and soothes dryness and flaking; locks in moisture to help lips recover from discomfort; leaves a healthy, glossy shine; non-sticky formula glides on smoothly. | My lips get dry very easily, and it always turned chapped. Before I go to sleep, I always make sure to put some of this and viola, the next morning my lips feel so soft and hydrated. I used cocoa butter at night, then I use rosy lips during the day whenever I put my makeup on, and they smell so good.

MOISTURIZER

Brand: NATURE REPUBLIC

Aloe Vera 92% Soothing Gel

A hydrating and cooling gel containing 92% pure aloe vera. Gently moisturizes all skin types, including sensitive skin; soothes and refreshes dry, dehydrated, inflamed, and sunburnt areas; firms skin and naturally protects with vitamins C, E, and other minerals; fast-absorbing gel won’t leave a greasy feel; can be used on hair, face, and body as a moisturizer, mask, and/or sleeping pack | I super love this product. I have been using this for more than 2 years now and it does wonder on my skin. I use it on my hair and body too.

ANTI-ACNE GEL

Brand: GALDERMA

Epiduo Gel (Adapalene and Benzoyl Peroxide) 0.1%/2.5%

Epiduo is a prescription medicine used to treat the symptoms of Acne Vulgaris. Epiduo may be used alone or with other medications. Epiduo belongs to a class of drugs called Acne Agents, Topical Combos. | This gel is pricey, and this was prescribed to me by my Dermatologist. I still use this whenever I have acne, and it dries up my acne fast. 

ACNE PATCH

Brand: COSRX

Acne Pimple Master Patch

This is the original set of hydrocolloid stickers that comes with three different sizes to spot-correct pimples. It heals intensively overnight, protecting problem areas from infection and brings out deep-rooted blemishes without leaving behind scars. Slap a patch on your breakouts for instant relief away from bacteria. This will stop the insane urge to pick at your skin and pop your pimples. It’s made with A.D.F. hydrocolloid dressing, a unique material that helps extract gunk from stubborn zits and speeds up their life cycle. | I absolutely love this patch. I use this in the evening whenever I have a very bad acne. TIP: I use the Epiduo Gel first, applied it on my acne, and then let it dry first before putting the patch. I promise, the next day your acne heals so fast! But sometimes, if it's cystic, it will take a few try like 2-3 patch every night.

ACNE PATCH

Brand: LUXE ORGANIX

Hydrocolloid Acne Spot Patch Night Time

When patched to acne; it increasingly absorbs the pus and oil to reduce inflammation and fasten the healing process. This brand is from Korea. | This product works well on me too, plus it contains more patches than Cosrx. Cosrx isn't available in most stores here in Bataan, so I have to order it online. I just go to Watson and buy this, which is very convenient for me. 

CLEANSER

Soft Silicone Facial Cleansing Brush

Gently scrub your face with this along with the Foaming Cleanser, it is easy to use. It is great for getting rid of dirt and clogged up skin. I noticed that after I wash my face with full on makeup, it get rids all the excess makeup and dirt that you have on your face because whenever I apply my toner, you can’t barely see any dirt. You better get one of this. I got mine from Watson, and it is very affordable. 

FACIAL MASSAGE

Brand: BE KIND

Jade Facial Roller + Guasha Set

This beauty tool duo will renew fatigued skin in just a few cooling strokes. Made from 100% authentic jade, each tool is uniquely designed for restorative facial massages. Not only do these tools boost product absorption, they also offer different types of massages. The roller stimulates lymphatic drainage that reduces puffiness, while the gua sha relieves tense facial muscles. When used together, they liven up dull skin for a fresh, well-rested look. | Sadly, I broke my jade roller, but I am getting one soon. Make sure that before you use this tool, put it first on the freezer for a few minutes, and it feels so good, I swear! I used the jade roller whenever I put on my sheet mask. While I used guasha whenever I put on my moisturizer because it glides really well when your skin is moisturize.

OIL CONTROL

Brand: THE FACE SHOP

Oil Blotting Films

Contains 50 silky-soft blotting sheets; made with excellent oil-absorbing 3M film; works to absorb excess sebum; leaves skin looking fresh and grease-free. | I read that if you have oily skin and you're wearing makeup, don't put on another layer of powder just to get rid of the oiliness on your face. Instead, use this oil-blotting film to remove all the oil before retouching your makeup. It's a helpful way not to clog your pores and for your makeup not to look cakey. 

More skincare products that works on me but I don’t use it anymore:

MOISTURIZER

Brand: DRUNK ELEPHANT

Protini™ Polypeptide Cream

Protini’s proprietary formula restores younger, revived-looking skin, almostfrom the first application. Lines, wrinkles, and signs of sun damage appearreduced, and skin feels strengthened and moisturized. | I only have the sample bottle of this because this brand is a little expensive but I heard a lot of good reviews on this. It’s a bit thick for my taste, so I make sure to wear this at night and not under my makeup, that’s only if you have oily skin. 

SHEET MASK

Brand: FARMSKIN

Superfood Coconut Salad Mask Package

A set of 7 sheet masks that leaves your skin brighter, hydrated, and more youthful. Nourish, moisturize, and illuminate skin with this set of sheet masks formulated with a combination of superfoods and colostrum ingredient. | First time using this product, and so far, it doesn't have any negative reaction on my skin since they used organic ingredients on their products. Farmskin has different kinds of sheet mask packages, and it is tailored depends on your skin's daily needs. This package is for brightening and hydrating my face since I need to get rid of my blemishes and dark spots.

FACIAL OIL

Brand: HERES B2UTY

Tea Tree Oil Serum

A multi-benefit serum that clarifies your complexion. Treats acne and soothes redness and swelling with tea tree oil; enriched with green tea, which contain antioxidant and anti-inflammatory catechins to hydrate and regulate excess oil production; fades spots, eliminates acne scars, and protects against free radicals with chamomile, a powerhouse antioxidant; improves moisture levels as it minimizes the look of fine lines and wrinkles with rose hip oil; alleviates irritation as it tightens skin with antiseptic and anti-inflammatory witch hazel; draws moisture to skin with hyaluronic acid to revitalize skin’s outer layers; plumps, restores, and renews to instantly improve the appearance of fine lines. | When I started using this, I thought it was to prevent me from having acne. This oil doesn't work on my acne though, but it lessens the oiliness on my face. I just don't use it very often because I'm so lazy or sometimes I forgot. LOL

TONER

Brand: ESKINOL

Spotless White Classic Cleanser

Eskinol provides products which are specifically formulated for the Filipina skin. Its range of products is known to effectively solve oily skin problems and pimples. Removes deep-seated dirt, excess oil, and makeup with micro-cleanse anti-bacterial formula. Pure Calamansi extracts known to whiten skin. It has vitamin C derivatives to help lighten dark spots in as early as 1 week for an even skin tone. | This product is classic and very effective that's why until now it's still here, unlike other brands being discontinued in the market. I have been using this since college, but later on this particular calamansi formula is more effective on me, while the other formula doesn't work on me. 

BUYING THESE PRODUCT SOON:

PROTECTION

Brand: COSRX

Aloe Soothing Sun Cream SPF50 PA+++

An aloe-infused moisturizing sunscreen for dehydrated skin. Protects skin from ultraviolet rays and other environmental damages with SPF50 PA+++ | I’m reading a lot of good reviews about this product, so I am adding this to my cart now hehe. 

EYE CREAM

Brand: NEUTROGENA

Rapid Wrinkle Repair Eye Cream

Help improve the signs of skin aging with Neutrogena Rapid Wrinkle Repair Eye Cream. Specially formulated for the delicate eye area, the fast-acting retinol cream helps fade the look of stubborn crow's feet, brightens and evens skin tone in the under-eye area, helps smooth fine lines and texture, and reduces the look of dark circles. This clinically proven retinol formula works quickly with visible results in just one week. | It says that this is the best eye cream for 2020 so let’s see if it’s going to work on my eyes hehe.

Whew! That was a lot of information. I hope you find this helpful and give your skin the love it deserves. If you have any questions or suggestion please don’t be afraid to say it to me. Til next time!

Love Lots,  Jamie  ♡

[imakebeautymistakes]

Skincare catch-up

Below are all the products I’ve used or currently use in my skincare routine. Some do their job but are nothing fancy, some are bad purchases, and some I’ll actually repurchase. 

My skin type is combination/oily, and I get acne when I’m stressed (not all over my face though, just 1-3 big pimples). I also have milia all over my cheekbones, and I’m looking into a way to have them removed by a professional since I wasn’t able to get rid of them on my own.

Cleansers

Currently using: Purity by Philosophy

Rating: 6.5/10

It does its job, but I don’t think it worked better than a Garnier cleanser I tried a year ago, and it’s more expensive. Also, the smell is a bit odd. Clean, but odd. I got this as a free gift for signing up for an Ulta credit card, and it’s definitely smooth and feels good rubbing into my skin. This will probably work fine on most skin types. However, for the price tag (and my skin type), there’s probably something better out there for me. 

Currently using: Daily Microdelivery Exfoliating Facial Wash (Philosophy)

Rating: 7/10

It’s a gentle-enough exfoliant that I can use it every morning as a cleanser in place of Purity (though if this is a big skincare mistake, someone please let me know!) It smells a bit like oranges and has a thick jelly texture. It feels refreshing and all, but again, I’m not sure how much it’s doing given the fact that I get breakouts whenever I’m stressed and I have to use other products to even out my skin tone again and get rid of acne. It does its job, but for the price, I could probably find something better for my specific skincare needs. That being said, I got the full size on sale for $15 at Christmas last year (normally $42) and it lasts a long time. 

Trial: Beste No. 9 Jelly Cleanser by Drunk Elephant

Rating: ?

Everyone can get their hands on this in one of the options for your free birthday gift at Sephora this year. If you missed your birthday, you can still get your gift by going on sephora.com and logging into your Beauty Insider account to temporarily change your birth date before you go shopping. Not a huge fan of the packaging, since it’s a little messy when my hands are wet from washing my face and I don’t want to get cleanser all over the sink and it’s hard to close if your fingers are slippery (if you’ve used this, you probably know what I’m talking about). Like Purity, the smell is a bit funky, but that could be a good sign since things that smell good usually have fragrance that can cause irritation. Still trying this though, will update later.

Sample: Kiehl’s Cucumber Herbal Conditioning Cleanser

Rating: ?

Only had a sample size that lasted a week, but I liked this when I used it. You didn’t need much product to cleanse your whole face, and it smelled really clean and refreshing but not overpowering. Lathered nice, and I’ll probably try this someday when I get more than a little sample packet. 

Garnier SkinActive Micellar Foaming Wash

Rating: 8/10

For a drugstore product, I really liked using this. The only reason I stopped was to try out the Philosophy products. My skin felt tight and clean after using this, and I could really lather to remove dirt and excess makeup. This is kind of my fallback, and my sister (age 20, combo skin) and my mom (age 50+, combo skin and rosacea) both like it too. Garnier also sells one in a blue bottle with aloe, but it’s not as good as this one and doesn’t have the micellar water. 

Toner

Currently using: Thayers Witch Hazel & Rose Petal Toner

Rating: 8/10

Does its job, doesn’t irritate, is inexpensive, and you can find it at the drugstore and Target. In the future I want to try a toner more targeted to my acne-prone oilier skin, but this toner is a catch-all, and overall a solid option in online reviews. 

Sample: Kiehl’s Blue Astringent Herbal Lotion

Rating: ?

I only got a baby sample that lasted 3 days, but this was really nice when I used it. It’s definitely for oily skin since it has alcohol in it, but it didn’t dry me out and made my pores feel nice and tight. Wish I could review more in-depth, but didn’t get a chance to use this long enough.

Neutrogena Alcohol-Free Toner

Rating: 6/10

I guess it worked (it’s been over a year since I’ve used this, though) and the smell was good, but I remember liking the Thayers better so I switched. Didn’t irritate or anything, nothing bad to say, but it didn’t leave an impression.

Serum

Currently using: The Ordinary’s Lactic Acid 10% + HA

Rating: 9/10

For my first real foray into serums, this has worked pretty well. I wanted to increase my skin turnover rate and bring my milia to the surface, and this works well, is under $10, and is gentle enough to use every night. I didn’t want to try anything too drastic since I hadn’t used serum before, and this one was great. Will keep using, and will likely try other products from The Ordinary in the future.

Sample: Kiehl’s Nightly Refining Micro-Peel Concentrate

Rating: ?

I got a small sample packet of this when I went to a Kiehl’s store for a free consultation, and it lasted about a week. I started to see results, but I ran out of the sample and went with The Ordinary since this little sucker is expensive. Seems like a great product, but not good on the budget. 

Sample: Kiehl’s Hydro-Plumping Re-texturizing Serum Concentrate

Rating: ?

Seems like a good product, and I liked it for the week I used it. No smell, smooth texture, all good. However, the price is steep, so I don’t think I’ll be buying this anytime soon. 

Spot Treatments

Currently using: Clinique Acne Solutions Clinical Clearing Gel

Rating: ?

I just bought this yesterday, so I’ll post more of a review after at least a week. First impressions: this is a spot treatment, and I don’t know who would use this all over their face like the box says you can do. It’s strong and a bit sticky (like superglue?) and you have to be careful not to touch your eyes or anything while you have some on your fingertips. It absorbs quickly, and while it’s definitely drying, you can put moisturizer over it just fine. 

Clindamycin Phosphate Topical Gel

Rating: N/A

I feel like I can’t “rate” this since it’s not OTC and I got it through a doctor’s prescription, but I loved this and if the doctor I switched to this past year hadn’t screwed up, I’d still be using it twice a day. Gentle, didn’t smell like anything, and kept my acne away pretty well. More of a preventative measure than something to use once you already have the acne.

Moisturizers

Currently using: Origins GinZing Energy-Boosting Gel Moisturizer

Rating: 8.5/10

I started using this a month ago, and I really like it, especially for a light morning moisturizer in the summer. It feels so smooth when you put it on, and the citrus smell is amazing. I like this one better than the Drunk Elephant one (below), and it’s half the price. I don’t think I’ll use this in the dry winter months, but it’s been great in warm temperatures and sunshine.

Trial: Drunk Elephant Protini Polypeptide Cream

Rating: ~6.5/10

For the price, I don’t understand the hype here. Yeah, it’s a nice thick creamy moisturizer, but it doesn’t smell fabulous and I don’t think it works better than other moisturizers that are under $40. However, my sister is in love with this stuff, so maybe it’s just me. 

Trial: Clinique Dramatically Different Moisturizing Lotion

Rating: ?

I picked this one up at Ulta yesterday, so I haven’t had a long enough time to test it. However, it gets rave reviews, and my first impression was that it went on smoothly and felt nice, but I’ll have more to say later.

Sample: Kiehl’s Skin Rescuer Moisturizer

Rating: ?

I liked this moisturizer a lot better than the other one I got as a free sample from Kiehl’s (below). No strong smell, applied smoothly (I’m saying this a lot, but there’s a reason), but I didn’t notice any “stress-minimizing”. 

Sample: Kiehl’s Ultra Facial Deep Moisture Balm

Rating: ?

Not for me. Didn’t go on my skin smoothly, I didn’t like the smell (vaguely oat-like? Or am I crazy?), didn’t feel great on my skin. I still had some left in the sample when I threw it out, it just isn’t for anyone with oily skin. Not sure why the girl at Kiehl’s gave me this, but whatever.

Garnier Skin Active Soothing 3-in-1 Face Moisturizer with Rosewater

Rating: 6.5/10

Not good in the summer. I might go back to it in the winter, but this probably just made the milia on the thin skin under my eyes worse when it was humid out. More for dry skin, and the fragrance was a bit strong. Also, I felt like you needed a lot of product to use on your whole face, since it didn’t glide on like some of the more gel-textured moisturizers I’ve tried. Not too bad for the drugstore, though.

Neutrogena Oil-Free Moisture Combination Skin

Rating: 7/10

I liked this, it definitely mattified my oily t-zone. The only reason I really stopped using it was because I wanted to try a moisturizer with SPF...

Neutrogena Moisturizer, SPF 15

Rating: 5/10

This didn’t work for me. The SPF made it more irritating if I got it close to my eyes or touched my eyes too soon after applying, and my nose in particular seemed really oily when I used this. Maybe only use this if you have normal-dry skin?

Other

Currently using: St. Ives Blackhead Clearing Green Tea Scrub

Rating: 7/10

I use this about 3 times a week at night, and I don’t find it too irritating like some people say the apricot or walnut scrub is. Pretty sure the beads in here are silicone, so it doesn’t tear up my face. I stopped using this for a few weeks, and when I picked it back up to try and get rid of an acne flare-up, it really helped. I definitely noticed that it was doing something when I went off it for a bit. Drugstore BHA (Salicylic Acid) that works for me.

Freeman Charcoal + Black Sugar Gel Mask and Scrub

Rating: 4/10

Are you a scrub? Are you a mask? Make up your mind. It doesn’t really work as either, with a weird thick jelly texture and huge scrub beads. Only used twice, maybe I’m jumping to conclusions, but even though this didn’t break me out or anything, it didn’t seem to do anything at all. Weird product.

GlamGlow Super-Clearing Mud Mask Treatment

Rating: 6.5/10

For the price and with all the ingredients including a blend of AHAs, I thought this would do more. It’s satisfying to watch the mask turn lighter gray as it dries on your face, but you’re only supposed to use it once a week, and I haven’t noticed results after a month. A fun mask to try, but I won’t be repurchasing since it’s too expensive for not enough of a result.

Burt’s Bees Conditioning Lip Scrub

Rating: 4/10

Chapstick would accomplish pretty much the same thing this does. It’s hard to scrub it into your lips, since the honey “beads” like to congeal into larger blobs, and it’s surprisingly expensive for a small little container at the drugstore. There have to be better lip scrubs out there, save your money.

Mario Badescu Facial Spray with Rosewater 

Rating: 7/10

A nice product, but I don’t get the hype or cult status. Good for a refreshing pick-me-up, but I don’t notice anything different when I don’t use it. Not really a setting spray, just extra hydration during the day if you’re into that. Good for wetting a beauty blender, though.

[booksinpublic]

Endometriosis and male birth control

I turned 30 last November and I'm just now realizing the all-consuming power that my menstrual cycle has on my body. Like most women I know, I've been constantly medicated via injections, implants and pills for more than 15 years, trying to find a birth control option that doesn't ravage me with cramps, cause ruptured cysts on my ovaries or thrust my mind into a vicious darkness at random and always-inconvenient moments. 

Maybe I would have reckoned with my natural cycle by now, soothed it and learned how to live with it in peace, had I removed birth control from the equation for any significant stretch of time. I don't know. But I do know I've never wanted kids, and I really like having sex with dudes (and ladies, but they’re polite enough to not randomly impregnate their partners). Male contraception doesn't exist, ergo I've always been on birth control. I've lived with the consequences of unproven, barely tested, hormone-ridden contraception methods my entire adult life, often signing up for consequences even my doctors didn’t anticipate. I've been hospitalized twice in the past two years with heart attack-like symptoms, only to have my period start between the EKGs and X-rays, explaining away my discomfort in one bloody rush. The gut-smack of realization -- Of course it’s my period, I’m such an idiot -- never fades. The second time I went to the hospital, it was in Austin, Texas, during a work trip to cover SXSW in March 2019. After nearly 10 years of reporting at shows like E3 and CES, I don’t exactly look forward to most conventions, but SXSW is different. I enjoy the casual, creative vibe of the show, and this year, I had a lineup of fantastic interviews. I was eager to get going. 

My period started because I had recently switched to the pill from Mirena, a high-hormone intrauterine device that for half a decade pushed my emotions to spike and plummet unpredictably, and possibly contributed to years of debilitating nausea. 

I vividly recall the day I had the Mirena implanted; IUDs were still relatively new on the mainstream circuit and there weren’t many first-hand accounts of the process online. My gynecologist said I might experience some cramping that night. I felt a pinch around my ovaries as she inserted the device with its dangling strings, t-shaped polyethylene body and 52 mg of LNG, a steroid hormone that mimics progesterone. I drove home, cramping slightly but pleased I didn’t have to pop a pill every day to maintain my non-parent status.

By that night, I was curled into a ball on the bed, clutching my abdomen, riding waves of the worst pain I’d ever experienced. That remains true to this day. I questioned everything that night, but mostly, it exists in my memory as a blur of white-hot agony. I kept the Mirena, of course. Eventually, my periods became erratic, punctuated by agonizing bursting cysts on my ovaries every few months, aftershocks of that initial night. Still, I kept the Mirena.

Fast forward five years. I’d just had the Mirena removed and was in a month-long waiting period before my gynecologist would add Skyla, a smaller and lower-hormone IUD, to my anatomy. After living with Mirena for so long, I forgot to pack my temporary birth-control pills for the Austin trip. On the third day of the show, my period arrived. Before I started bleeding, I had a fantastic day. I interviewed one of my literary idols, Neil Gaiman (and a bonus Jon Hamm), and had the rest of the afternoon to write; it was a dream situation for a convention like this. I walked to a coffee shop to work alongside some colleagues, opened my laptop, and was hit with an intense wave of nausea. My mind was gradually swathed in fog; my stomach roiled and acid hit the back or my throat. I couldn’t eat the soft pretzel I’d ordered. A colleague asked if I'd drank too much the previous night and I laughed it off, heart threatening to leap straight out of my throat. I went back to my hotel room, exhausted, and tried to finish my story. What should have taken an hour took four, and even then my editor called the draft a fever dream. I puked three times while writing it. Dizzy, short of breath, heart thundering in the pressurized cabin of my chest, I tried to eat dinner and sleep. I actually ate half of the burger I ordered. The night wore on, my colleagues went to a SXSW party, and once midnight rolled around, I tried to sleep. The tornado under my ribcage sent prickling tingles down my limbs, making my hands shake and sweat. Sleep eluded me. The signs of a heart attack are different for women and men. Many “traditional” symptoms, such as sharp pain in the chest, don't always appear in women. I knew this, vaguely, and my own body was out of whack enough that I Googled "female heart attack symptoms." I matched them all with uncanny accuracy. The websites I visited recommended calling 911 -- but then, they always do. Around 4:30AM, I called my boyfriend and then a 24-hour nurse line. I explained my symptoms and was advised to call an ambulance. After another half hour spent trying to convince myself I could fall asleep if I just tried a little harder, I got a Lyft to St. David’s South Austin Medical Center (that was $13, compared with an estimated $1,000 for an ambulance). I puked again in the waiting room bathroom, light-headed and paranoid my left arm was going numb. My period started (idiot). Over the following four hours, the doctors ran a few tests, I took some anti-nausea medication, and that was that. I was young and relatively healthy -- it was probably just anxiety or indigestion, according to the hospital staff. Even as I sat in the back seat of the Lyft on the way to the hospital, I knew the tests wouldn't return anything notable. They never did. Which, generally speaking, was a good thing. I wasn't having a heart attack -- great -- but I wasn't all right, either. There were a range of possible causes for my symptoms in Austin, and the same culprit may also be responsible for the years of isolating stomach issues I've experienced. However, by the time I left the hospital, it was clear that these episodes of heart-attacky symptoms were tied to my menstrual cycle. I did some quick online research and found a number of results that might explain my situation, all of them related to my period. This was new information. I knew about PMS and PMDD, the more extreme and debilitating version of PMS, but I'd never heard either word attached to heartburn or heart attacks specifically. I'd seen a gynecologist regularly for the past 15 years, but in the mess of other, more pressing consequences of female birth control, heartburn just never came up.

This is how it goes. I switch contraception methods and a fresh new hell is unleashed on my unsuspecting body, whether it's pain or emotional turmoil or fatigue or personality tweaks or changes in sex drive, and it takes me longer than it should to realize my symptoms line up perfectly with my new sterility regime. Shockingly, I'm not always thinking about birth control, though it's always, always in my life. All of this is to say it's bullshit there is no widespread form of male contraception yet. 

THE MALE BIRTH CONTROL CON | An informational interlude by Jessica Conditt

For men, the options are, essentially, condoms or vasectomies. Vasectomies are effective, but they’re also designed to be permanent. In an outpatient procedure, surgeons snip or block the vas defrens, which normally serve as the sperm highway in a man’s scrotum. Planned Parenthood describes the process as relatively pain-free, quick and nearly 100 percent effective after a three-month waiting period. However, vasectomies are for men who are done having kids, as they’re difficult (and sometimes impossible) to reverse.

There have been a few other attempts to fill the birth control gender gap: Vasalgel is a potentially reversible solution that acts like a vasectomy, but with an injected solution rather than actual surgery. This means the process is reversible, in theory. Vasalgel made headlines in 2017 when it was successfully tested on monkeys, but there hasn’t been much movement since.

There is one potential bright spot for the future of male birth control, and it comes in the form of a thin needle. 

“Most of the research has focused on the combination of testosterone plus a progestin, another sex steroid hormone that is found in men and women,” University of Washington chief of medicine Dr. Bradley D. Anawalt told Endocrine News in 2016. “Previous studies of male hormonal contraceptives have shown that injectable formulations provide effective contraception that is far superior to the condom and compares favorably to most female contraceptive options.”

In October 2016, researchers reported the results of a study into a particular injection-based method of male birth control. The shots (200 MG of norethisterone enanthate and 1,000 MG of testosterone undecanoate, injected every eight weeks) were tested in 320 men and found to be 96 percent effective. However, the study was halted because the men involved reported particularly high rates of adverse side effects, most notably depression and other mood disorders, but also acne, muscle pain and increased libido. Even with these effects, more than 75 percent of participants said they were willing to continue using the shot.

The most recent advancement in male birth control comes from the National Institutes of Health, which announced in November plans to study a gel designed to prevent pregnancy. The gel, NES/T, is rubbed into a man’s back and shoulders and works via a progestin-based compound called segesterone acetate and testosterone. The NIH is recruiting participants and the study is set to be completed in September 2021.

And that’s about it, when it comes to the technological landscape for male birth control. Promises, tests and silence.

The point here isn't that female birth control sucks or that men are purposefully thwarting attempts to devise a male version. In fact, most men I know are eagerly awaiting the day they can pop a pill and not worry about making a baby. 

I'm simply tired of treating my body like a hormone-bomb test site. I'm sick to death of the daily side effects of protecting myself -- and my male partners -- from pregnancy. 

That doesn't mean I'll stop any time soon. The possibility of pregnancy is still scarier than the side effects of birth control, for me and for now. I just wish men had as many terrible, effective, agonizing, freeing and emotionally disruptive options as I do.

* * * * * *

I wrote the above words in March 2019, while waiting for my Lyft to arrive at St. David’s South Austin hospital and take me back to the hotel. I typed them deliriously into the Keep Notes app on my phone, caught a few hours of sleep and then got back to covering the show.

When I returned home, I told my gynecologist about the hospital visit, the pain, the convincing heart attack symptoms. She nodded sympathetically and slid a Skyla device into my uterus. One week later, she checked on it with an ultrasound, and found a 5cm cyst inside my left ovary. It was a dense, black hole on the monitor. Endometriosis.

“Wow, it’s big,” she commented. “I’m surprised you haven’t been in more pain.”

I had been. I’d told her about it. But she’s a gynecologist -- her entire job is dealing with women in pain. My complaints of nausea and vomiting, significant weight loss, spasms of agony in my gut and irregular heart rhythms were not cause for alarm in this space. They were simply the price of having ovaries.

I had surgery last week to remove the endometrial cyst and surrounding damage. The procedure was supposed to take about an hour, but mine took three. At one point, my gynecologist was concerned she’d have to remove my entire left ovary, but she managed to keep my organs in place. Regardless, surgery isn’t the last step in living with endometriosis. It’s just the start.

The birth control bouncing around my body for the past 15 years likely kept my endometriosis at bay. The brief gap in IUD placement simply allowed my doctor to finally see it. All along, what I thought was pain from rupturing cysts was actually this disorder sticking my uterus together and filling my ovary with pus the color and consistency of melted chocolate. The cyst was apparently pushing against my bladder; since having it removed I’ve realized how painful peeing used to be.

Like with so many other symptoms, I’d gotten used to it.

[allthings-fantasy]

Our Little Family (Pt 18 of Pen Pals)

Author: @allthings-fantasy

Pairing: Bellamy x Reader

Word Count: 3068

Authors Notes: Here is part 18!! It is mostly in Bellamy’s POV... hope everyone enjoys!!! 

Part 17    MASTERLIST

Bellamy’s POV

The nurse’s words rung in my ears for the next few minutes. I knew Y/N was talking, but I couldn’t hear what they were saying. There was a tinge of panic in her voice. I could see the fear in her eyes as her hands clutched around the lower part of her stomach. Y/N was pregnant with my baby. We were going to be a family.

“Do you know how far along I am?” My head lifted at the sound of her voice again. I couldn’t lie and say I wasn’t curious.

She shook her head, a small frown forming onto the woman’s lips. “No, sorry. I can’t tell that much from a blood test. We can do further testing if you wish?”

Y/N took a pause and I was about to answer for her. I wanted to know all about my kid that I could. The sudden feeling of happiness fluttered in my chest. Images of Y/N holding a small baby in her arms filled my mind. I couldn’t wait to have it a reality. Before I could speak up, Y/N finally answered. “Not right now. My friend, uh, Raven? Who will give her blood now? What’s going to happen now?”

Guilt completely replaced the happiness. I got so distracted by the thought of my fiancé being pregnant that Raven slipped my mind. “Well, they sent off for a blood supply run and it should be back any moment, if not already. They have her stable enough to last until it arrives. Ma’am her surgery could last a few more hours. Are you sure you don’t want to run some tests?”

“I think that would be a good idea.” The words left my lips before Y/N could say anything. I reached my hand over to hers, gripping her fingers tightly between mine. Y/N looked at me with pinched brows, traces of annoyance evident on her face. “Baby, we’re just gonna be sitting in that waiting room doing nothing. There’s nothing that we can do right now. So why don’t we go find out more about our baby, alright?” I watched as Y/N’s resolve faded, soon a simple smile rested on her lips before she nodded.

The nurse spoke up again before tucking her clipboard back under her arm. “I’ll see about getting an ultrasound room ready. You guys can go back out to the waiting room. I’ll be with you shortly.” She gave the two of us a curt nod and turned back towards the door.

When the nurse left, I stood up first and turned to Y/N. She didn’t move. I could tell she was caught up in her own thoughts. I’d kill to know what was running through her mind. “C’mon princess. Everything’ll be fine.” I tried to keep my voice as comforting as possible before wrapping an arm around her shoulders. She cuddled into my side as we stepped in sync down the hallway.

Y/N didn’t say anything for a while. We sat in silence as I tried to comfort her. My hand ran up and down her arm, her back, through her hair. Anything to let her know that things will work out. “Are you mad?” Her voice was nothing more that a murmur, my ears strained to hear it.

The question made my heart ache. “Mad? Baby girl, why would I be mad?” I shifted in the seat till I was able to look her in the eyes.

Her mouth opened and closed a few times before shaking her head. “I… We didn’t plan this Bellamy. We can barely plan a wedding let along planning on having a kid.” Y/N’s bottom lip trembled as her eyes began to gloss over.

My mouth hung open at her words. The arm from before wrapped back around her shoulder and pressed her face into my best. “I’m not mad, Y/N. No where close to it. I’m nervous as hell but baby, I’m excited.” My lips turned into a smile as the images from earlier popped into my head and I placed a small kiss on the top of her head. “Can’t you picture it? Little baby running around, our baby. Who has your beauty, my wit.” A smirk replaced the smile as I felt Y/N giggle against me.

“We’re gonna be parents…” She said it more of a question rather than a statement.

“We’re gonna be parents.” I made sure it came out as a statement. My heart swelled at the sight of her beaming smile. It was nice knowing that something amazing came out of this awful night. As long as I kept her smiling and her mind off of Raven, I knew she could make it through the night.

A few minutes later, the same nurse from earlier came down the hallway and signaled for us to follow her. Y/N’s hand stayed intertwined with mine as she leads me down the hallway. The room we walked into this time had a large reclining table in the middle with stirrups for her feet. “Alright, if you just want to remove everything from the waist down. I’ll have the doctor in here shortly.” I watched as she pulled the curtain around the door and waited till I heard the click of the latch before turning back to Y/N.

Her fingers shook as she tried to undo the button on her shorts. A small laugh escaped my chest and I urged her fingers away. She allowed me to undo the button and zipper for her before I sat down on the stool beside the bed. My eyes lingered on her legs as she shrugged out of her clothing covering her lower half. “Quit staring.” Y/N giggled and shifted up onto the table and draped the white sheet over her legs.

“You’re going to be a beautiful mom, Y/N.” I meant every word with every fiber of my being. I never knew how much I wanted this until now.

The blush that was on her cheeks grew darker. “And you’re going to be a great dad, Bellamy.” God, I hoped she was right. The thought of failing our child had me scared out of my mind. But we’d get through this. I know we can.

A curt knock on the door ceased any further conversation. “Everything okay to come in?” Y/N responded, and the door whipped open, followed by the curtain being pulled back. “Hello there. Y/N Y/L/N?” A middle-aged woman came through the door, her hair pulled back into a neat bun.

Y/N nodded and shifted slightly in her seat. “Yeah, that’s me.” I could hear the hesitation in her voice. Her thumbs twiddled in her lap as she looked everywhere but the doctor.

“Alrighty. Well, I’m Dr. Cullen and I’ll be doing your ultrasound today.” She smiled between the two of us and glanced over the file in her hand before tossing it on the counter. “So.” Her eyes shifted over to me now. “Is this dad?”

“Yeah, that’s me.” I answered and folded my hands in my lap. She offered me a sweet expression as she rubbed the hand sanitizer into her palms.

Dr. Cullen walked over to the monitor and switched it on. The room came to life with the sound of a small hum. The screen of the monitor looked like static. “I imagine that you’re too early along to see the fetus with a regular ultrasound. So, for today we are going to do a transvaginal one, okay?”

I could see Y/N tense up one of the corner of my eye. “H-how does that work, exactly?”

She nodded and brought another stool over beside the table Y/N was laying on. “Well, in laments term. I use a want to do an internal exam. This allows me to get a better picture of your uterus and the fetus. There might be a little pressure, but I promise it doesn’t hurt.”

Y/N seemed to relax a little bit at the doctor’s words and leaned her head back against the pillow. Dr. Cullen picked up the wand and squeezed a little bit of gel on the top. “Okay, there will be pressure. Just let me know if anything hurts okay?” One of Y/N’s hands reached over the side of the table and searched for mine. I twisted my fingers with hers as the doctor instructed her to rest her feet up in the stirrups. “Alrighty, here we go.”

I continuously ran my thumb over Y/N’s hand, trying to make this situation be as relaxed as possible. The doctor moved the sheet to the side and shifted the wand between her legs. Her nose scrunched up slightly as soon as the image on the monitor started to shift. “Relax, princess.” I shifted closer to her head and murmured to her. Y/N nodded back to me and took a few deep breaths.

“Now, you see this kind of black circle.” Both of our attentions turned to the screen. The center of the screen was mostly a black circle with grey static surrounding it. “This is your uterus… and this…” She paused for a moment and shifted her arm as the image moved again. “This is your baby.”

I held my breath when she pointed a tiny white dot on the screen. The feeling that washed over me was nothing less than pride. We created that. That little white lima bean was going to go into a person. My eyes started to sting as I felt tears filling up my eyes. I was going to be a dad.

“From the size of the baby, I would say that you’re about six weeks. You should be able to hear the baby’s heartbeat around week 8.” A small gasp came from Y/N as the doctor removed the wand for her body. But this time the image on the screen didn’t move. “I’ll leave this up here for a little bit while you get dressed again. Also, there are pictures from today’s ultrasound, which I’ll get for you. Congratulations, guys.” Her smile was warm before she went back behind the curtain and left.

I turned back to Y/N who seemed to be frozen in place, her eyes a little red from the need to cry. “What’s wrong?” My eyebrows furrowed in confusion as her bottom lip began to tremble.

In front of me, Y/N shook her head and shrugged. “I can’t see it.” She pouted and pointed towards the monitor. “It just looks like a bunch of static to me. I can’t even see my own baby!” It felt rude to laugh, but I couldn’t stop it. Y/N glared at me as the chuckle racked my chest. “Bell, it’s not funny!”

Her persistence only made me laugh hard. I tried to stop, tried to keep a straight face. “No, I know. I’m sorry, princess. But just look, okay?” I dropped her hand and walked around to the other side of the bed where the doctor formally was. “Okay, you see the black circle, right?” I moved my finger around in a circle to trace the outline until she nodded. “Okay, now this tiny little bean looking thing…” I shifted my pointer down to the lower rim of her uterus. “That’s our baby.”

The tears that were running down her cheeks suddenly stopped. “That’s it?”

I had to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from laughing again. “Yeah, that’s it.”

Y/N’s eyebrows furrowed as she sat up, shifting closer to the screen. “Well I saw that!” This time it was impossible to stop the laugh in my chest. She was the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. “It’s so small.” One of her hands cupped the lower half of her stomach while the other ran over the small white dot on the screen.

From the first time I met Y/N, I made a vow to myself that I would never love anything more than her. But here I am, breaking that same vow. It was funny, how in love I was with a little dot on the screen. I’d do anything for that little dot.

Reader’s POV

It’s been two hours since your ultrasound. You clutched the images in your hand, constantly running the tip of your finger over the little lima bean on the picture. Bellamy hasn’t stopped smiling since. Occasionally, he’d run his hand over your stomach, fingertips lingering on the lower half.

Your lives were going to change forever now. But you had a feeling it was for the better. You knew Bellamy was going to be a great dad. He practically raised Octavia and she turned out perfectly fine. The wedding was pushed to the back of your brain now, there were bigger things to worry about.

For a little while, Bellamy and you debated on wither it was a girl or boy. Of course, you were going to love the child no matter what it was; but you couldn’t help but hope for a boy. Imagining a baby Bellamy running around the house warmed your heart. Little freckles peppering his skin, dark curls sitting on top of his head.

“Ms. Y/L/N?” Another doctor came through the hallway, making the baby gender conversation come to a halt.

“Yes?” You handed the ultrasound pictures over to Bellamy and stood up.  

He gave both of you a tight-lipped smile. “Miss Reyes is out of surgery and is awake. She’s asking if you’re here and would like to see you.”

Your eyes widened as you eagerly nodded. “Yes! Please, I’d love to see her.” You bit your bottom lip and glanced back at Bellamy. The doctor ushered you down the hall with Bellamy close behind.

Raven’s room was on the 4th floor down a long hallway. You knocked softly on the door. “Come in!” Just the sound of her voice alone had you tearing up. All the emotions of possibly loosing your best friend came rushing back. You whipped the door open and the dam broke. “Aw c’mon, Y/N! No tears!”

You laughed but it didn’t stop you from crying. Nothing but pure relief and bliss washed over you. She had a few cuts along her face and arms, a bruise forming on the top of her forehead. Raven had wires and tubes coming from every part of her body. “Are you okay?!” You rushed over to her side and sat down in the small chair.

“I’m fine, please don’t cry. I’m gonna start crying.” She laughed and reached over to grab your hand and squeezed tightly.

“Wh… what even happened?!” Your eyes searched across her body. You recalled the officer and doctor talking about her legs, but she was covered up. Her hips looked a little bulkier than usual, as if something was wrapped around them.

Raven rolled over eyes and shook her head. Her jaw clenched before she talked again. “Stayed late at the office to try and finish some stupid article. The guy was drunk and ran a red light. Hit me square on my side. That’s all I really remember. Everything just kind of went black.”

You felt the need to cry again. “I’m so sorry, Raven. When I got that call I was so scared. They said you lost so much blood and you couldn’t feel your legs. I tried donating some blood, to help until the supply run showed up. But they wouldn’t let me donate and there wa-.”

Raven cut you off mid-sentence. Her brows were pinched in confusion. “Wait. Why wouldn’t they let you donate? We’re the same blood type.”

Your cheeks blushed profusely, and a sheepish smile formed onto your lips. “Uh, Bell. You wanna show her?” His smile grew as he stood from the chair in the corner of the room. He handed the pictures over to Raven, who had the same confused look on her face.

She stared between the pictures and you then to Bellamy. It took her a moment before it clicked. “Pregnant women can’t donate blood.” Your smile grew wider as you shook your head no. “Oh my god! You’re pregnant! Guys! I can’t belie-.”

The sound of the door opening had Raven stopping in the middle of her sentence. Bellamy took the pictures back and moved back to his original seat as the doctor made himself known. “How’re you feeling Miss. Reyes?”

Raven glanced at you and smiled. “Better now that I’m awake and they’re here.”

The doctor glanced around the room and nodded in acknowledgement. “Okay well. As you know, we need to test for nerve damage. We can ask them to leave?”

She shook her head no, eyes going wide. “No, they’re staying.”

He sighed and nodded before pulling a small pointy rod from his pocket. The doctor removed the sheet from her legs and revealed a black brace situated around her hips. “Can you wiggle your toes for me?” You looked at Raven’s face before looking at her feet. Watching her disappointed expression gave you the answer you needed.

You heard the doctor let out a small sigh, but he tired to smile in support. “Alright, let’s try this now should we?” He adjusted the rod in his hand and ran the pointed tip up the sole of her right foot. You watched as her leg twitched and her toes flinched from the sensation. The smile on the doctor’s face grew bigger. “That’s a very good sign, now the other one.”

He moved the rod over and tried the same action on her left foot. Nothing. Your heart skipped a beat as you watched him repeat the same action. Nothing. Raven was growing stiff beside you. Her jaw was clenched to the max. “Tell me when you start to feel something, okay?” Somberly, he moved to the side of the bed.

The tip of the rod slowly started pricking up her leg. “There.” Raven spoke through gritted teeth. You glanced down at her leg and saw the tip of the rod settling above her upper thigh. Tears pricked your eyes making your vision turn blurry. You bit down your bottom lip. Guilt filled your chest while you squeezed her hand.

You felt guilty for being so happy earlier. Everything was falling in line for you while your best friend’s life was falling apart. You received the best news of your life while she just got informed she was paralyzed. Your best friend would never be the same.

 TAGS: @divadinag  @literallyhelpme  @iamabeautifulperson18  @jodiereedus22  @imarypayne  @glittered-unicorn-lava  @coffeebooksandfandom  @sighsophiia  @lilaqueenquinn  @kararanae23  @alecswcrlock  @smexylemony  @wisestydia-15  @olkathefoxi  @your-imagination-runs-wild  @thehakunamatara  @takenbymyfandoms

[tea-and-charcoal]

T Diaries - Week 6

So not that much of a change this week, just an update to my saga of being allergic to being stabbed. I am starting this week cautiously optimistic once more. 

So the sesame seed oil I tried last week swelled up. Midway through last week I started panicking thinking I was allergic to testosterone itself... somehow. But my doctor pointed out that wasn’t the case because the old injection sites weren’t reacting again. She actually didn’t think that it was an allergic reaction because it was rather different, more hurting than itching and the swelling, not reacting to hydrocortisone, and generally different from last week’s. Instead she thought it was just like a really nasty injection site reaction, but she said that I could either try one more week of injections or switch right to patches or gel. I took her up on trying one more time.It’s been about 15 hours and I’ve got no swelling (although I’ve also done some prophylactic icing and a tiny bit of hydrocortisone). This time last week I had a big red mark so knock on wood! I’ll be watching it the next few days.

Otherwise, I’ve been noticing more and more voice cracks, and some of my acne is getting worse but I’m not sure if that’s stress or what. I’ve added salicylic acid to try to help control it. I’m hoping at some point my skin will even out and I won’t have to take way more care of my skin than I did before but I feel like it’s still not a huge price to pay for people to not call me “miss” (I don’t even get a ma’am) all day. 

[iamthestrangerinmoscow]

transition update

number ‘who’s even counting tbh???’

So yesterday was my endocrinology visit and damn it felt like that day lasted a whole week. It is a feeling I get a lot lately, like time has slowed down, and I don’t know if it has anything to do with dissociating, but anyway. Basically I got all of my papers, including the final one from the sexologist/psychiatrist on Monday, and I was ready to go get the prescription.

I can try to translate my T letter and the medical conclusion from the psychiatrist but basically it says that I am transgender (F64.0 in ICD-10), that I have persistent gender dysphoria and no conditions that might prevent me from going on T. It also talks about my anxiety disorders and depression and autism but they are listed as things that should not prevent me from starting T either so anyway.

I had to leave my favorite lecture early to get to the clinic in time and I was kinda pissed about it but didn’t complain. Then we had some problems with money, cause we are still broke and my dad had to ask my grandparents to send us some. And I feel icky about it cause they still don’t know why I’m going to all these doctors and they did pay for some of it. Basically at this point I have already spent a thousand dollars on this. Great.

And then it was even worse cause the line got delayed and I spent an hour and fifteen minutes sitting in the corridor waiting for my [birthname] to be called out. It was a nightmare. I chewed my lips so much they started bleeding and my palms were the sweatiest they’ve ever been. When she (the endocrinologist) finally invited me in I felt like I was going to pass out.

So I waited for more than an hour but the actual meeting took like 15 minutes. She went through all of my papers, asked me about my medical history and stuff, measured my blood pressure and typed A Lot of stuff into the computer. The only issue she deemed worthy of discussion was my anemia and basically T should help with that, even if I won’t take iron supplements (but stick to my iron-rich diet). Also T might (just might, no way a guarantee) improve some of my other symptoms like low blood pressure and fatigue. 

Then we talked about the form and she said that yes, starting on gel is better than starting on injections, cause it’s a smoother change, and that if in three months I will want to switch to injections, we can do that. She said the only difference that her patients tend to report between gel and shots is that periods might take longer to stop but I’m skinny as heck and apparently that means I will probably see no difference. She said she is pretty confident my period will stop within three months.

She then proceeded to list all the changes I can expect in three months and I started laughing cause I knew all of it already. A thing I really liked is that she said I have really small breasts and they will likely get even smaller on T and I should wait for that cause I’m a definite candidate for keyhole top surgery. Also it is pretty rare for someone my age but there is a tiny chance I might grow or go up a size in shoes. I won’t get my hopes high for that but damn... would be nice.

And that was it! She gave me three months worth of prescriptions and told me to get another blood test done and come back in three months. But the time I walked out of the room I was literally shaking. Fuck knows if it’s because of excitement or because I haven’t eaten for like four hours at that point but it was weird. Like... really weird. I kept staring at the prescription and rubbing my fingers together (which is a thing I do to deal with dissociation) and I couldn’t believe it was real.

On our way back I almost started crying in a tram cause I was so freaking emotional and it still didn’t feel real. And there was so much stuff going through my mind and it’s still happening. Like I have a biochem quiz in a couple hours and I can’t be bothered to even look through my notes, I am too engulfed in this.

My dad kinda ruined my mood when we were walking home from the tram cause he told me to not talk about it around mum and I freaked out like god damnit, will she ever get over this? And he again made it about himself like how difficult it is for him to have a trans child and how ‘I got what I wanted’ so I can’t complain now and fuck... it upset me a lot. Like he still can’t understand that this is not my whim or something, and that I have fears too, and him constantly asking me ‘what if you’re wrong? what if you change your mind?‘ doesn’t exactly help.

Of course I have fears! I am afraid of being wrong or changing my mind, that’s why I went through seven months of waiting and three different doctors confirming my “diagnosis”. I am afraid of people rejecting me and my grandparents disowning me and never talking to me again, that’s why I still haven’t come out to them. I am worried about all legal procedures and whether I will have problems with my legal stay, that’s why I researched the hell out of this. This is on my mind 24/7! It really is. I am constantly running these scenarios in my mind and worrying and thinking about it. This is not a hasty, quick decision.

But yeah basically my parents are still claiming to be allies and accepting while not doing *anything* to support me. Still misgendering, still deadnaming, still making me even more worried and questioning whether I’m really sure, etc. And like, am I ever sure about things? I’m not sure this world is real sometimes. That’s how anxiety disorders work. I just wish they stopped fueling the anxiety disorder!

Well basically now I need to pick up the prescription (which might be a challenge cause so far I can’t find a single pharmacy in my city that sells it lmao) and get my parents to pay for it (it’s around 50$ so uh yeah) and then I’m going to be on T! I am... beyond excited about it, despite the anxiety, like I had a dream today about being on T and I woke up so happy. I will have to come out to my mates in uni now... super worried about it. Eh. And to my grandparents. Even bigger Eh. But. But! Things are getting better. They are.

So I’m gonna quit complaining and try to stay happy.