#i also didnt smoke weed bc i was sad

[jimposts]

I've had a very emotional night and I would like it to be known I still did some homework

I am so good at this !!!!!!

[writterings]

so tonight starts the first night of me living alone in a farmhouse for a full month. bthe closest town in 15 minutes away (and is also the town they filmed friday the 15th in) and i'm gonna have to both clean the house and take care of some animals. but! luckily my cousin only lives 15 minutes away (not in the town) so we can hang a lot and i can get her husband to teach me how to do work on cars and how to play guitar or smth :3

[aciddrattboyy]

(dont) kiss me thru the phone

you were pissed that your boyfriend cheated on you and then had the audacity to ghost you after you confronted him about it. what better way to get that anger out than fucking his best friend

suna x f!reader ☆ smut ☆ 2.3k cw: fingering, dirty talk(?), penetration, cheating(?), cucking, phone sex(?), exhibitionism(?) a/n: all those damn question marks bc i cant tell if it would technically count anywho i dont condone cheating but like if someone told me they fucked their cheating bf's bsf i wouldnt judge also sorry for the osamu slander i was never a big fan of the miya twins bc i was too focused on suna so im sorry if i offend any miya stans </3

☆

you were pissed. you were beyond pissed actually. yeah, you were sad of course when you found out your boyfriend osamu had been cheating on you with some cheerleader from a neighboring college. but you were furious now that osamu had decided to ghost you after telling him you wanted to talk it out. it was pathetic and you were utterly offended. you were also upset with yourself, having not been able to see any signs that you had been dating scum of the earth. 

you know you couldve been the one to take the higher ground. just take his disappearance as the breakup and try to move on with the help of the people in your life that actually cared about you. but you just couldnt. he went low and you wanted to go much much lower. 

knock knock knock 

standing outside of suna’s townhome, you were growing a little nervous. there was a chance suna would push you away and go inform your cheating now ex-boyfriend. but you’ve seen the way suna looked at you. you weren’t stupid. everytime osamu dragged you to parties or hangouts with his friends suna always looked at you like he was fucking you with his eyes. you stood there, hands shoved in the pockets of your pajama pants as the cold night breeze swept over you. 

your body stilled when he opened the door, bare torso on display while a pair of grey shorts hung loosely at his hips. you could smell the faint scent of weed seeping out of his house. his hair was messy in the best way, green eyes narrowed at you slightly. you couldnt deny that he was attractive. but when you were still a loyal and doting girlfriend, no one else seemed as hot as your boyfriend. but things were different now. 

“hello?” sunas tone was indifferent, a bit raspy from whenever he was smoking. he craned his neck for just a moment, seeing if osamu was trailing behind somewhere. 

“suna i know you want to fuck me,” you blurted out, earning equally wide eyes from the man before you. he choked on his own spit, turning his head as he coughed. your face felt like it was on fire and for a second you regretted ever coming here. “im sorry i-” he was quick to put up a finger, silently telling you to wait as he got himself together. clearing his throat, suna stood up a bit taller with skepticism written all over his face. his eyes once again scanned over the area.

“are you confronting me?” suna had absolutely no clue what was going on. he half expected osamu to jump out of the bushes and knock him up just for not denying it. but he would be a liar if he did. it was true. he did want to fuck you and knew he could do so much better than osamu. but of course he didnt make any moves with the bro-code and all. 

“no im not,” you shook your head, sucking in a deep breath to try to calm yourself. “i have a um… proposal,” suna’s eyebrows quirked, the corners of his lips tugging into an intrigued smile. he crossed his arms, leaning his shoulder against the doorframe. 

“well,” you grew self conscious now, rocking back on your heels as you stared at the doormat. “osamu cheated on me and is now ghosting me after i asked to talk about it and to be honest im really pissed,” suna had to manually keep his features stoic even though he was feeling a whirlwind of emotions. he was sad for you of course, no one wants to get cheated on. he was mad at osamu for cheating on someone like you. but there was also this sick sense of pride, that you came to him. suna always knew he could be better for you and now you were at his doorway. you took in another deep breath, getting ready to spew out the words before you could take them back. “i want you to call osamu because i think he’ll pick up… and if he does,” you took a hand out of your pocket, nervously running it through your hair. “if he does i’ll let you fuck me,” 

the silence seemed to drag on forever. after your word vomit both you and suna had to take a moment to process the words you just said. you looked at sunas ever bland face and had no way of knowing what he was thinking. 

“so,” suna started, not able to hide the smug smile on his face. “you want me to fuck you with osamu on the phone?” he watched as you nodded slowly and could feel his dick twitch in his shorts at the thought. he would effectively being ending their friendship if he did that and maybe others. but the thought of being inside you was oh so enticing. “thats a little kinky dont you think,” sunas smile only grew when he saw how flustered you were getting. it was almost hard to believe you came up with that idea.

“will you do it yes or no?” you asked instead of answering his question. because he was right. it did sound a bit kinky and you didnt feel like trying to make sense of it right now. suna did use words to answer, instead pushing off of the doorframe and motioning for you to head in. letting out a shuddery breath, you walked in. your heart was beating like crazy when suna closed the door behind you, turning on a warm lamp before flopping onto the couch. you took off your shoes, awkwardly standing by the doorway. 

“so run this little plan of yours by me one more time,” he patted his hand on the cushion next to him, watching you with now hungry eyes. you sat on the edge of the couch, hands in your lap as you laid it all out on him. you wanted suna to call osamu and tell him he was fucking some random girl. you wanted to know if osamu would stay on the line. you wanted to know if he had any remorse for what he had done to you. you told suna you didnt want him to reveal it was you. that you would do the honors when you were ready. suna listened patiently, nodding along as the tent in his shorts grew with each word that left your pretty lips. “well if you want to do this we cant exactly fuck with you on the other side of the couch,” 

excitement and anxiousness coursed through your veins when suna motioned for you to come sit on his lap. he wasnt trying to hide the obvious bulge in his shorts now and the size of it made you just a bit nervous. you straddled his lap with a shaky breath, looking down between the two of you as he called osamu. he put the phone on speaker, turning the volume all the way up and tossing it onto the cushion next to him. 

his hands found their way to your hips as you both waited for osamu to answer, sliding them up and down your sides. 

“hey whats up?” 

your breath hitched in your throat when you heard his voice. anger once again rising up over the fact that he was going out of his way to ghost you but picked up the phone for his friend almost instantly. 

“not much, got a pretty girl in my lap right now,” sunas tone made your body feel warm all over. he got bolder with his touches, his fingers playing with the hem of your loose fitting shirt. “said she was a freak ‘n wanted me to call you so you could listen,” 

the laugh osamu let out was evil. you both could hear shuffling on his end while sunas hands moved further up. 

“no shit really?”

you licked your now dry lips as suna slowly pulled your top off, a low whistling leaving his mouth as he eyed your boobs. he was quick to grab at them. one hand groping one boob softly while the other pulled and pinched at your nipple. 

“yes really, shes got pretty tits,” he was quick to suck your now hardened nipple in his mouth, hips jerking under you. your breath grew ragged as you fought to stay quiet. you wanted osamu to hear you but you didnt want to be loud enough for him to know it was you just yet. he pulled off of your now wet nipple with a soft ‘pop’, his hands traveling down to grope your ass. “nice ass too,” he mused softly, looking at you with mischievous eyes as he grabbed onto the back of your thighs and gently laid you onto the couch. 

you looked up at him with wide eyes, bottom lip caught between your teeth as he slipped your pajama bottoms off. something flashed in his eyes when he saw the pretty lace panties you had on. he wanted nothing more than to rip them off of you but he decided against it for now. 

“how wet is she,” 

“ ‘m about to find out,” your face cringed at osamus words for just a second. because in the next, suna was smiling at you wickedly while he pulled your panties to the side. a low groan left sunas chest as he slid a finger over your already glistening folds. for a second, he forgot all about your plan, looking up at you with wide, lust filled eyes. “holy fuck youre soaked,” you turned your head away, face growing hot with embarrassment. but suna was quick to gently grab your chin, turning your face towards him once again. “keep your eyes on me,” he said softly, licking his lips as he lightly pressed his finger onto your clit. 

the sound of shuffling on the other line was what brought suna back to the present and for a moment he felt a bit possessive, suddenly not wanting osamu to listen in anymore like a pervert. but he continued to play along.

“shes fucking beggin’ for it,” he said moreso to osamu as he slowly pushed a finger inside you. a soft hiss left his lips when he felt how tight you were, already clenching around him so well even if it was just one finger. at this point osamu wasn’t responding with words, his heavy breaths the only thing that could be heard. suna shrugged after a moment of waiting for a response, pressing a second finger inside your walls. you whined softly, eyelids fluttering as your hips twitched against him. he continued to work his fingers inside you, thumb rubbing over your clit in soft circles as the sounds of him fucking you with his fingers grew louder. 

“oh fuck i can hear her,” 

osamus voice was strained, no doubt affected by what he could hear over the phone. he was no doubt referring to the obscene noises coming from your dripping cunt while suna fucked his fingers into you. 

soft whines and heavy pants were all you could manage out, afraid of giving it away too soon. your hips bucked up towards sunas hand as he worked you closer to an orgasm. his dick was straining uncomfortably against his shorts and he was growing impatient. “shes about to cum all over my hand,” suna breathed out, it was getting hard for him to pretend he was enjoying transcribing what he was doing to his cheating friend. he didnt even know if he could call osamu a friend anymore. there was silence on the other end and suna’s brows furrowed when he thought he heard osamu moan. 

this was becoming harder for you to keep up, thighs trembling as you got closer and closer to release. you swore you were going to chew off your lip with how hard you were biting it. your eyes were screwed shut, hands clamping onto the couch and sunas arm. when he brought his thumb up to your clit, rubbing tight circles and pressing into it, it didnt long for you to come undone around him, a strangled moan escaping you as your back arched off of the couch. 

“fuck she sounds hot,” 

“she is,” that flash of possessiveness punched through suna again as he continued to slowly fuck you through your orgasm. something snapped in suna when he could hear what could be nothing other than osamu jacking off. he hastily pulled his cock out of his shorts, laying your thighs over his. his breath was ragged at he ran his tip over your slit, a groan leaving his chest when he nudged at yout fluttering hole. you whimpered, bringing a hand up to cover your mouth. 

suna was growing frustrated with each noise you suppressed, he desperately wanted to hear you. wanted to hear you get fucked on his dick. he grabbed onto your hips roughly, pushing inside you with a shaky moan. fortunately for him, you were also growing tired of forcing yourself to stay quiet. you wrapped your arms around sunas neck, pulling him flush against you. both of you moaned when he bottomed up and finally being able to hear you almost made suna cum right then. 

but osamu ruined it, letting out a loud moan through the phone. suna, who had finally had enough, sat up and grabbed his phone. 

“i’m fucking your girlfriend,”

“wait wha-” 

he hung up, tossing the phone to the side and looking back at you. your eyes were wide as you watched, cunt still clenching around him. suna put his hands on your hips, pulling out slowly before slamming back in, earning a loud cry from you. 

“fuck- ‘m glad thats over with,” he began rocking into you slowly, eyes glued onto the sight of his dick disappearing inside you. “now i can hear all your pretty noises,”

i hope you enjoyed !! reblogs/comments are very much appreciated <3

[autistic-evil-xisuma]

image: a screenshot from a th3pooka animation of evil xisuma sitting on their throne.

the incoherent essay in the tags is entirely on you op. for telling me to talk about ex when it's after my bedtime. i was going to say a whole lot more but i ran out of tags so im going to take that as a sign from god to shut the up.

Hey, do me a favor.

Share your opinions on this bugger. /threat

[bensonsballerz]

eden dunwoody backstory and then some

will update over time probably

starting off sad. her mom abandoned her and benson at a bus stop. literally right after giving birth #epicfail

benson was very protective of her but he was also terrified of becoming angry around her and yelling. he wanted to be better than his parents

even still he made it very clear that she had to listen to him and her other elders. you have to follow the rules always, even if you dont like them. he wanted her to be the best she could and reach her fullest potential

thus the expectations were high. very book smart but not at all social. since she was kind of sheltered, she wasnt very good at making friends

in high school, she realized she didnt want to go to college. not yet. this caused a fight and she stormed off, eventually stumbling onto the underground fighting ring she would become part of. it helped her relieve stress and other emotions

present day, she still lives with benson but keeps her underground fighting a secret. her cover story is she's a security guard

headcanons:

she is also protective of benson, since he's definitely sensitive and gets angry easily. its just the two of them and she wants to make sure he's ok

benson keeps saying he wants her to move out but every time she finds a potential place to live he's like no it sucks. its terrible. like nothing good to say about it bc he. doesnt want her to leave actually lol

smokes weed with hfg. since neither of them are very social or talkative, they bonded pretty quick

she dislikes muscle man though, which is unfortunate because he's the weed dealer. she just thinks he's gross and annoying

does weight lifting and other physical activities with skips. he actually knows of her underground fighting before anybody else

thinks mordecai and rigby are annoying as well, since they're rule breakers and they dont listen and they piss off her dad a lot, but they eventually teach her how to unwind and relax a bit. since she was sheltered, she's secretly intrigued by rulebreaking

unaware of her own strength sometimes. when benson had his breakup and locked himself in the bathroom, she kicked down the door, which she didnt think would work

helps out at the park sometimes

i was going to say she also finds pops annoying but ive realized she just finds everybody annoying

[specterseen]

new oc kind of incoherent rambling under the cut. many thoughts. may just make their own blog but keep it simple. lmao i must be stopped

ok but like. generic telekinesis oc who is very cool and has swag and works at an arcade + is very techy. her name is blair and her dad is a very scary CEO of a company she doesnt give a shit about and they both live in a penthouse but she hates it but also tries to be grateful for even living a lavish life. she thinks her dad is a dick (bc he is and devotes his life to work and neglects her) (kept her in the divorce battle by being a psychologically abusive asshole with money) and resents him for driving her mother away. she doesn’t resonate with the rich child look so shes often not home aka working at a small arcade for a small paycheck (her dad sometimes mocks her for having such a low paying job and thats its worthless) but also has been sneaking money from her dad who actually doesn’t notice bc metaphorically his pockets are overflowing with money so she’s been hoarding a bit of it here and there so one day she can make a break for it once she feels like she can leave.

except shes finding it hard to so shes kind of in a cycle go to work, stay out all night, maybe smoke a little bit, come home and repeat. sometimes volunteers at soup kitchens and in other ways in the community. anonymous monetary donations. the money she gives is from the money she makes, not from her dad. doesn’t let her efforts of giving back in a way get to her head bc she knows she’ll never be able to stand up to her father and his money. she feels that no matte what she will always be tied to her fathers legacy. almost got a job working on a committee to make more a change in the community but she got scared and backed out.

her telekinesis didnt randomly show itself during a moment of extreme anger or anything, it developed slowly as she grew up. it started as dull vibrations in her hands whenever she felt emotional (happy or sad, doesn’t matter which end) and it made her feel weird. like there was something there to be let go or dispersed but she could never figure out how. as she grew, anytime she was emotional as a young teen, things would move whenever she’d cry or scream. and then when she’s happy things would move like during a big laughing fit with friends for exmaple. this kept on until she was curious enough to actually try and move something. and to her surprise it worked. once she realized she could actually move stuff with her mind, she closed herself off and spent most of her free time during high school honing this ability. no idea where it has come from, she refuses to ask her dad about it and she has no way to contact her mom so shes just left with questions upon questions. left feeling alone.

she graduated high school with full control of her abilities. got a job at an arcade and smokes weed here and there. not much, she doesnt like to fry her brain too often. floats around hot spots around her city which include clubs and other hang out areas. isnt close to anyone so she really is just a floater. if shes feeling mischievous she likes to fuck with people by using her telekinesis and moving shit around. never gets old. 

shes still living at her dads penthouse and is surprised her dad hasnt kicked her out yet since one time during an argument he yelled he’d write her a 100k cheque to leave if she wanted. she only ever goes there to sleep, eat and bathe. not feeling homey enough for her just to hang around. although she does relish on occasion when her dad is gone on long business trips. 

she’s very cool and can be flirty. has made out with people at clubs for a drink or just for fun lol. 

[enchantechante]

Day 4&5

tw: drinking, smoking, body dysmorphia

Day 4

Alcohol: 4 days Weed: 1 day

an okay day. the first full days ive been completely sober. 😮‍💨

tomms my wedding anniversary and ive been debating for days if im going to drink at dinner.

it's a really slippery slope to break my streak with the alcohol specifically moreso than the weed imo. (for my husband it's almost the reverse.) i can't do it confidently so i aint gon do it.

watching bae make small, surefooted is admirable and also hard to watch.

i remember when i broke my now smoking streak for a bowl the night before last (now, but what would have been the night of day 2) he said, "You have to let yourself feel those emotions."

that's been scariest part for me - not knowing who i will be if i feel these emotions. not knowing what kind of person, friend or wife sobriety would make me.

i may become even more reclusive and need more time with myself to sort out what i've been trying to substance away. and I deeply fear how that will affect the relationships around me and my ability to cope with those changes.

im up a lb and ngl that made me sad (judge me irdc lol)

made a chart of 5-30 min ways to naturally increase my dopamine, serotonin, endorphins, oxytocin and adrenaline. havent used it yet but from my research i know imma need it.

Day 5

Alcohol: 5 days Weed: 2 days

its weird having breaks from work for hours and not smoking still. i just laid in bed scrolling for hours, practiced Spanish and went back to work.

most people like and welcome distractions from hard work. except me 🙃

smoking & drinking were uppers for me. my body would relax so much involuntarily that it would energize me so much. (at the expense of my liver, face, body shape, teeth, overall health etc).

down 2 lbs today and ready to discuss how body dysmorphia is showing up for me in my thoughts/actions 😬👍🏾

my relationship to eating ( es plant based foods) and hydrating is really great this week. (always is in January).

but i wld be lying if i didnt acknowledge preoccupation with my weight specifically drives a lot of my overall mood.

it took me a looooooong time to feel good about my body. but this sobriety thing resurfaces all my fatphobic fears and triggers from others.

im a healthy woman, so why worry about weight?

smh bc everyone aint body positive. and sometimes the people we love and are closest to are not accepting of all bodies. or even our confidence about our bodies. and being so...aware? these days, make me sensitive to mildly aggressive about body shaming. ive always loved confronting a bully. 🥰

ooh ooh bully me! 🙋🏾‍♀️imma show u how to shut the shit down 😌

so the fear of how my body is being perceived and what others might say makes me wanna ball up & protect myself all day.

spent a good 9 hours at least today wrapped in a blanket and in bed scrolling or on the couch watching movies.

im working on having different chemical and emotional experiences in my body to help re-wire my addict brain.

so i reached out to a family member with gratitude for them being a dancer too and wanting to dance with me! (oxytocin). and planning to go on a dancer date w her soon to take classes and learn choreo (endorphins).

proud of me for being brave, connecting, and at least a lil bit giving myself chances to feel good in diff ways again. 🥺 brave lil tae tae.

tw: drinking, smoking

Day 3 (Alcohol Sober) & Hour 13 (Weed Sober):

oct 2021 i had an (alcohol) sober three-ish weeks and wrote about it.

it could have been longer bc i like to start something a lil before i announce it and also i feel like i broke the streak and was on it for another day just to forget about it entirely.

so here we are riding the wave of "dry January" w everybody else

nobodys including weed? just me. okay.

ion wanna be sober for the month tho i wanna do like 90 days to 6 months and really see the fullness of the benefits.

ive been smoking for about 6 years now. and drinking (moderately, at least 2 drinks Mon - Fri and 1 Sat/Sun) since like 5 years ago. i think the year before that though i would get drunk when i drink - you hear me? drunk. that was the purpose of the drinking 😅

its been abt 12 hrs since ive been sober from weed.

and 2 days since ive been sober from alcohol.

by now i wlda had about 4-5 drinks and about at least a fourth a gram of weed if not half a gram.

journaling daily is really pointing out

-my dreams are more calm. and slightly more lucid atp.

-there's old stuff in my relationship from dating my husband that hes said that still haunt me? like girl - where did you come from?

[lobstersupremacy]

..

[smalltragedy]

* ryan destiny, cis woman + she/her | you know kira blake, right? they’re twenty four, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, ever? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to babooshka by kate bush like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole lazily stretched out in a ray of light, daisy shaped irises and daisy chain braids, performing an intricate dance to move the ocean's waves thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is october 31st, so they’re a scorpio, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( james, 22, est, they/them )

hllo ive hd kira in my head fr a bit bt i also know ntohing abt her! this is me winging it even though i hv no right to <3 this is my third character maybe whose birthday is in honor of ella n coincidentally 2/3 of them r in this rp. yea im messy smirks sexily.

DEATH, GRIEF, DRUGS TW

mini playlist.

wuthering heights ;; kate bush / babooskha ;; kate bush / dreams ;; fleetwood mac / california dreamin’ ;; the mamas & the papas / lavender moon ;; haroula rose / time of the season ;; the zombies / after the storm ;; kali uchis / left hand free ;; alt-j / always forever ;; cults / wait a minute! ;; willow / your dog ;; soccer mommy.

statistics.

full name: kira blake

nickname(s): keely.

birthday: october 31st, 1996.

zodiac: scorpio sun, cancer moon, aquarius ascending. 

mbti & temperament: esfp & catalyst / sanguine. 

label: the ebullient.

sexuality: bisexual.

pinterest.

biography.

born to two original hippies which hs pretty much set up who kira is fr the rest of her life <3 the type of ppl who didnt like the boundaries of marriage n held off frm it fr as long as possible until theyd hd a spur of the moment elopement involving a celebrity impersonator at fannie’s <3 yea theyre lesbians lets go <3

nvr rly took things srsly until kira ws like 5 yrs old n then they were like ah gee ah fuck we probably shld probably settle settle. n they job hopped n worked many odd jobs until they found their footing in careers they liked n one of them probably does like. blown glass art. n the other prob fixes old computers n other ~vintage~ mementos of the past fr ppl.

they make a decent living n they live in delpinius heights n they try a few times fr another kid bt it nvr rly works out (raises an eyebrow. adopted siblings anyone?) n fr the most part kira as a child spends her time running around town and tugging on the hem of other’s shirts to ask them small favors (mostly to play a game with her)

often left unsupervised as a kid, bt not in the way tht her parents dnt care (bc her parents love her a lot a lot a lot like she is their world) bt in the way tht they simply raised her the way they were raised. running amuck all day n coming home jst in time fr dinner, front porch light always on, cat always waiting faithfully on their stoop.

pretty evident frm a young age tht kira’s mind saw things differently, in a different light - the world an array of light n mystery n sound n taste n sometimes those collided n created new experiences. prob hs some form of synsthesia bt dnt ask me which one yet. she’s a painting prodigy with an excellent understanding of color theory.

always ws known as a kind of like. rambunctious kid. a well meaning class clown who cld nt keep her mouth shut fr the life of her. grew up constantly with a yellow card beneath her name in school bt ws always well liked by her teachers n classmates alike.

jst a very bright child who did well naturally bt always ws turned more towards art.

feel like her parents very noticeably turned a cheek when she started smoking weed w the cool older kids when she ws 13. the type of person who wnts 2 b liked so bad she’d jump over a hurdle fr it. hs jumped over many hurdles n many fences n many other obstacles to be liked bt does it without breaking a sweat.

(edit: nw tht i think abt it hwevr i dnt think she does tht anymore i think while a bit of a mess atm she. likes herself. n doesnt rly want or need the approval of others anymore she jst does her own little thing. bt when she ws younger? she jst wnted 2 b friends w the entire world.)

nothing bad rly happened fr like. a good bit of her life. got into psychedelics at some point in high school n tht only heightened her artistic abilities. most of her high school art portfolio ws probably done while high bt <3 does it matter.

hd a high school sweetheart n they were pretty serious like. full on in love. a total believer of soulmates kira ws jst like. this is the one. there is nobody else i cn imagine my life with.

death tw

death tw

death tw.

death n grief tw // yea. sometime during their freshmen year of college. car incident. kira ws nvr the same though she’d like to pretend tht nothing’d ever happened. like theyd nvr existed. like she didnt plan out their entire lives together hiking thru hills n valleys n boating across various bodies of water n traveling together until they were old n wrinkly. end of death tw //

cld nt explain 2 u why kira hd bought a van n completely demolished it only to drain all of her savings remodeling it bt nw she lives in it by the beach. hd dreams of travelling the world bt cannot go long distances in a car without feeling sick. sees planes n feels envy. stopped painting fr a long time bt she’s started back up recently. took on surfing. told her parents tht it ws fine n tht she ws fine n theyre concerned bt shes always by the beach, her van rarely leaves. she’s trying her best bt its only been a few yrs n i think ppl cn sense tht shes jst nt the same cheerful girl as they once knew. end of grief tw //

anyways. tugs on my collar. tht’s kira! she lives on the beach n surfs everyday n is obsessed with daisies n is prob growing her own shrooms somewhere. 

personality & facts.

always been very emotional n a little dramatic. nt a drama queen bt is a little messy n does not hv like. many rational thoughts up in there. very cup full or cup empty.

regardless though she hs an. overall reputation fr jst being. enjoyable to be around. her her little moments bt shes also pretty like. laidback. in a way. KDSHFSDLKHGHFLKSD

prob bc she smokes a lot or is often <3 on a trip if u know wht i mean <3

god. got obsessed with the 60s n 70s aesthetic at some point n hs not gone back evr. big fan of psychedelic rock. is a prodigy painter bt her life dream outside of traveling ws always to own her own record label. hs nt happened yet, maybe will never happen? works at a record shop though n does hide the good vinyls tht she wants away frm the customers.

very cheerful n usually uplifting n she doesnt like to b negative around others bt smtms she cnt control it n smtms thinks tht ppl r out 2 get her jst out of. anxiety. hs long bouts where she’ll sit in a still sort of sadness n then shake out of it n hop back into conversation like nothing’s happened bt. its fine we’re fine kira is fine.

shes not gullible or naive bt wants to believe tht everybody hs a heart of gold even if its false. keeps giving ppl second chances bc she hs a savior complex n thinks she cn change ppl.

is very into zodiac n will judge u by ur chart. knows everybody in town’s natal chart. even newcomers. it’s a little scary hw quick she finds this information bt its very important to her.

kind of like. into spirituality bt i wont lie its very surface level n a little superficial. learning tarot cards bt cannot fr the life of her memorize the meanings so smtms she jst makes up things on the spot. hs so many crystals she will not stop buying them.

i think a part of her is desperately trying to cling onto tht like. think positive. self care. msg thts super prevalent online without addressing or actually helping any of her problems. it is her flaw </3

hates to admit when she needs help. wld rather do everything herself.

head is a little in the clouds n her parents r a little concerned fr her bc shes nt rly doing much rn bt like. she jst needs time i think. shes jst doing her little thing.

does not give up on ppl easily she absolutely hates dropping ppl frm her life even if she grows 2 resent them over time which is bad bc she is bad at hiding when she is upset at someone or when she doesnt like someone.

like shes jst passive aggressive abt it n does not properly communicate <3

bt this is rare i think ... negative feelings abt other ppl

self centered bt not selfish if tht makes sense. she will do things fr others without a problem n sometimes trips over herself 2 do it bt at the end of the day i think she cares abt herself the most.

hs only been in love once bt hs hd many infatuations n many like. admirations n very surface level feelings. her body is a temple n she loves 2 b worshipped.

prob does fkn. beach yoga. probably vegan bt also maybe breaks tht every once in a while. almost noncommittal its hard 2 distinguish between her being carefree, not taking care of herself, or jst hving commitment issues? flaky or not? who knows.

feels jst a bit too strongly bt tries to contain it. jst full of multitudes or smth. idk. icon <3

like. cares bt doesnt care. does thinks tht r purposely self destructive n then acts like shes like. cool girl monologue frm gone girl. bt does it while being like peace n luv on earth x

ok thts all i hv goodbye

wanted plots.

a pseudonym 2 fool ‘em... ;; jst hd this idea pop up bt i like the idea of kira going undercover 2 expose cheaters. whether she does this on her own accord or is personally requested by smbdy is up in the air. a plottable point. she h8s cheaters n is chaotic good she prob thinks shes the relationship vigilante testing the strengths of other’s relationships. once again she cld b. specifically going undercover fr smbdy 2 help them out. im sure she wldnt go 2 very. extensive srs measures like actually. sleeping w the assumed-cheaters bt once again. world is our oyster n i lov drama?

crystal visions ... ;; once again. shes super into crystals n astrology n she will base sm of her opinions of others on it. this is nt just abt her being judgmental of others bt also jst. catching her running around in the rain trying sooo hard 2 fkn. charge her crystals in the rainwater bc she forgot 2 charge them under the full moon the night b4. this is her giving wrong tarot readings. she hs no idea wht shes doing at any given time bt acts like she does know. acts like she knows the entire world. she gives crystals as gifts n will do ur natal chart for u bt will also pack her things n leave if ur a capricorn.

time of the season... ;; i dnt knw admittedly. this song’s abt being horny so perhaps? perhaps. kira isnt rly able to keep a grasp on long term relationships rn due to. factors in her life so she hops frm person 2 person often. smtms jst flings smtms its jst a relationship accidentally led on. shes noncommittal n a little flaky atm when she’s usually ride or die fr others. perhaps this is all in the name of some good fun! world? oyster. 

literally anything .dsfskhdkgs ;; god. shes so new i jst dnt know. childhood friends. current friends. friends shes hd frever. enemies n ex lovers n ppl shes constantly pushing away or scorned lovers or both or anything?? she pushed them out of the roller rink to make more room fr herself or maybe they did tht to her. perhaps theyre both constantly pursuing some sort of fkn. meaning in their lives tht they cnt quite grasp. mayb they go on an acid trip together. who knows. 

[drspencerweed]

matthew 100% used to smoke like there are pics where that mf looks zooted but apparently he doesn't anymore bc it gave him anxiety?? idk where that information came from but who really cares its not like hes doing meth or snorting cocaine (which would make me sad but a lil weed is not gonna kill him)

well yes i also hope he’s not doing meth lmfao but yea I definitely haven’t heard that it gave him anxiety but that’s not uncommon! but yea people who think he attended NYU from 98-02 and DIDNT smoke weed are deluding themselves imo

[allfather-we-stan]

TW: drugs, feeling like dying, hallucination 

okay this shit was the scariest thing ive ever experienced but its so funny 

so i had a bad trip a while ago and i was sure i was gonna die

The first thing that came to my mind? not my family. Not my firends.

IT WAS THIS STUPID GAME I SWEAR TO GOD, i was so sad bc i didnt wanna miss the upcoming seasons of apex legends djkhgfhjksdafg ( but after that i cried for like an hour bc i didnt want my mom to get sad)

I WAS 100% I WAS GONNA DIE AND THE FIRST THPUGHT IS FUCKING APEX LEGENDS I-

also at one point i lost all my memory of where i am and who i am and what is world and i tried to let go what felt like dying but there was this one thing that i didnt forget fucking MIRAGE APEX LEGENDS. so there i was completely high laying in bed, thinking, “who is mirage and why is he so important” i swear i saw the universe and how meaningless life is and was ready to let go but no i need to know why is this mirage so important.

so thats the story of how mirage apex legends pulled my soul back into my body when i thought i was dying. the end

also maybe good to point out im fine lol never smoking weed again tho

[hhawkeye]

as the creator of the best video in film history (the trapper body ody video) Trapper for the ship asks? (-@radarbabieoreilly)

FIRST OF ALL thank you for this im sorry its taken me literal years to respond. trapper body video haunts me every moment of my life and every day i want to make something else to make up for putting that evil into the world but i simply... do not

ANYWAY:

My NOTP for them: OKAY SO i dont think i really have a notp for trapper... he works w anyone... i mean i guess like, frank or some shit actually. wait. frank. apparently theres frank/trapper fic out there which is just. what the hell is that. ok. no.

My BROTP for them: ok actually i love him and mulcahy. irish catholic solidarity BABEY. they dont get that many moments but i think if they did it would have been really good. just guys being dudes. they smoke a little weed together i think.

My OTP for them: haaaaawkeeeeeyeeeeeeeee trapper and hawkeye invented the concept of love, actually, so. no but for real they are just. as talls would say. silly rabbit 4 silly rabbit. i like them SO MUCH i just like them!!!! they make me happy :)

My second choice pairing for them: hmmm. i mean! his blurry wife louise sounds really nice! but if we’re going w characters like... on the show then tbh trapper/klinger like. WHY NOT.

My fluffy pairing for them: ok this is so silly but. traphawk where (redacted circumstance) happens and trapper ends up like splitting his time between boston and maine and like, hes not divorced maybe but he and louise always knew their marriage was like. not for like oh we’re in LOVE love yknow they are just two people who idk its the 40s or whatever and they were some kind of not straight and they wanted to raise a family and they were like Well Here’s How We Can Do That but ANYWAY, anyway, hawkeye moves to boston eventually but that takes a few years due to (redacted circumstance) but anyway its nice and sweet and trapper is like. a loving husband! and a good dad! and they are all living their best lives! i think like trapper and louise do eventually get divorced when their kids are older but its like... a mutual thing that doesnt actually change anything its more just bc this was kinda always where it was heading and now the kids arent so young they dont have to be pretending so much etc and ANYWAYYYYY just that whole. vibe. thanks.

My angsty pairing for them: traphawk but the version where. trapper cant leave his wife because the world is cruel and there are many issues involved and he has KIDS and he doesnt like the expectations of society any more than hawkeye does but he plays along with them because he knows what happens when you dont and :) its fine. its FINE and im not sad about it and im not like, up late at night crying to myself wondering why trapper didnt just leave a fucking note like a normal person. im not.

My favorite poly ship for them: yet again trapper/hawkeye/bj remains ridiculous and yet somehow believable ? i like them :) i like bj’s trapper complex i like the idea of bj being like, jealous while smooching hawkeye bc hawkeye is also idk holding trapper’s hand, and trapper really doesn’t have a stake in it he’s like jealousy is weird bro but he DOES enjoy annoying the hell out of bj so. he of course goads him a little. its fine though.

My weirdest pairing for them: hmmmmmmmm. again trapper just goes with ANYONE so there isnt really a weirdest pairing. like look at him! hes just a little guy :) he can date anyone its not weird. that being said actually trapper/peggy (bj’s wife) is fucking HILARIOUS to me.

[eatyourfruitkids]

and i thought, oh shit, what about my hot female body?

my female ego was toxic. it wasn’t her fault, she thought her presence in my brain was necessary. my family never quit gave off the vibes that the one daughter, the one sister, was ever allowed to deviate from such a norm. though i love and loved him dearly, my twin brother’s role in my view of gender was one of contrast. from the youngest age, as in, when we were born, connor got the blue teddy bear, s***** got the pink one. later, when our mom dressed us, connor wore the hats and s***** wore the bows. connor got the bionacles for christmas, s***** got the zuzu pets. that was just the way it worked. i was a girl and he was a boy, after all.

it’s not like i ever really minded. i’ve always loved animals, hoarding their stuffed counterparts felt natural. my brother and i would play together, littlest petshop pets living in lego spaceships. our genders were defined, but we never let that separate us. i never let that grave burden, being a girl, bar me from playing with power rangers, even if i was immediately cast as the pink one.

in middleschool, something changed. i became hyperaware of my gender, though i never once questioned it. while i had always been a girl by default, now i was beginning to feel the social anxieties of a young, adolescent Girl. i stuggled greatly for an identity, finding one for a short while in anime fandoms and watching gaming letsplays (i never played; girls were bad at video games, as according to my three brothers. i just had shitty hand eye coordination, fuck me) and later in an obsession with emo bands and new cartoon network cartoons and being pansexual or a lesbian. my fashion sense was terrible until i saw cute girls on instagram wearing “aesthetic-y” clothes in seventh grade and decided to emulate them. this was just one of many instances of me confusing my attraction towards females as desire to be like them.

with today’s insight, i can say with confidence that i would far rather put my head in a nice pair of tiddies than own that nice pair of tiddies.

i came to realize that my female ego was a problem close to the time where i realized that smoking weed was the best shit ever. here, i’ll take a break to rip bong and reminisce on this night, the night of the smoke off. im kinda high rn lol but its okay i turned adult recently lol. anyways *bong rip*

ok anyways sry

i didnt realize being a girl was a problem for me when i first started smoking weed. in hindsight, i now know that smoking everyday longterm while mistakenly identifying as female highlighted some less-than-savory areas of my psyche. 

my dysphoria makes me think that people are simping for me, sometimes when they’re not. although i am a sad, emo, five-foot-seven twitter meme cat boy of a trans “man,” i’m a cute nerdy stoner girl with winged eyeliner n a sexy female body, relatable-if-severe social anxiety and a porn addiction i’m, unfortuately, not always too shy to talk about.

long story short, something i now know to be dysphoria pushed me to start Smoking Weed With The Boys frequently, and something called dysphoria-plus-my-female-ego created this weird, unhealthy narrative that my friends only all liked me bc i was Hot Sessy Girl and they were only friends with me to hold out past my sweet, sunshiney (beta?) bf. this narrative fucked with me (probably because it wasnt true and created by the same part of my anxious brain that would repress my fucking transness, also because i love and care for my bf and felt terrible “letting this continue”) and yet, i continued hanging out with The Boys (besides when sometimes id flake on everyone for periods of time bc i felt Too Bad for bf lol) not even for attention-- although sometimes id get it, word-- even if it was magnified through the lens of my dysphoria, but because i had this deep urge to fit in with them. 

besides having a legit problem with the way i use weed and being high literally all the time, i wasn’t a huge “stoner” by my town’s standards. 

so, without getting into the elaborate details of my life and my twin’s cool fucking weed basement and my real life picture of marilyn monroe’s tiddies, The Boys had a smoke of at my house. i realized i wasn’t that much of a stoner when i got too high (something that deadass never fucking happens) and violently shook for like thirty minutes until my friends sent me upstairs for ice, i put on a hoodie, looked in the mirror and realized id prefer life as a boy.

it could’ve been because my toxic, ill-built stoner female woker-than-u ego had finally been popped, kinda like a bubble, or it could be because i was wearing a crop top and had gone silent because i was fixated on how i wished boys wore crop tops, and the hoodie had alliviated that. 

now i only think one friend simps for me, but hes such a nice dude that i could never say anything, fuck. hes such a homie tho if i were ever single id take his v card as a favor lmao

i figured out what i wanted to be called that night, 

stu. idk if its short for stuart, which is gross but fuck it, or if i want to be a stew/art or what the fuck but. stu.

a few friends and no family know. i chopped my hair off and a binder is on route. im lifting weights w one of the boys.

happy adulthood to me

[judehayward]

lady gaga voice slowly fadin in: ju-Das juda-ah-ah… this depressed goblin bastard is honestly my fav male muse like i dnt typically stick w male muses tht long i struggle bt................. i’ve played him the longest of them all n always seem to return to him. jst cnt stay away. way 2 attached to this absurd little man. it’s nai btw!!!! (josefine on the main). launches right in to jude’s intro without further adieu..... (u can also find his playlist here) 🧙‍🎨

「douglas booth & cis-male」⇾ hayward , jude, the senior radcliffe student’s records show that he is a pisces and 23 years old. he is studying ART, living in moris and can be protective, laidback, nonsensical & apathetic. when i see him i am reminded of wearing a faded smiley face sticker on your forehead while receiving a serious lecture, saying “fuck off” to inanimate objects, lead marbles instead of eyes. ⇽「nai & 23 & gmt & she/her.」

he pinterest:

me in the voice of a card magician performing on the street: round up round up pick a pinterest any pinterest!

ta-da it’s aesthetics:

lead marbles instead of eyes, a stolen hearse careening down the wrong lane, wearing a faded smiley face sticker on your forehead while receiving a serious lecture, bags under the eyes that are so big they could pack enough clothes for a three week vacation, a cigarette wobbling from your bottom lip as you squint against the sunlight, passing out on a stranger’s rooftop, placing sunglasses over the eyes of a biology lab skeleton, gangling around the place like shaggy minus his scooby snacks, saying “fuck off” to inanimate objects

about tha Bitch:

born in sheffield in england, bt they went back and forth between there n san fran a lot

jude was an unhappy accident. his parents never rly used protection bc they were super Liberal n Au Naturel n believed in the pull out method bc… they were maniacs. bt then the ONE time they used a condom in an effort to b safety conscious it broke n hence…. jude was born

they just kind of ran w it bc they had such a passionate relationship tht they were like What The Hell…. may as well! itll be fine we’ll learn to be good parents n love him like normal ppl do

spoiler alert: tht didn’t work out

they were ok to him like they weren’t fully Bad bt they just found him to be a massive burden n hindrance to their plans. pretty absent n irresponsible. they literally….. had sex all day every day n acted like a pair of teenagers. it ws a super weird environment for a kid to grow up in bc he literally had no role models or… guidance or…. anything rly. occasionally they’d joke around w him or pretend they properly knew what grade he was going into but for the most part they just Didn’t Care the way parents shd. they lost his birth certificate n dnt remember what they put as his middle name so he’s jst kind of like hmmmm............. n gives himself a diff one every time ppl ask. past variations hv included: jude pauly hayward, jude maureen hayward, jude van winkle hayward. says all of these w a very straight face

despite this he does hv some nice memories w them. usually he definitely sees them fr holidays. frm being rly young their christmas tradition hs been to get a bunch of chinese food like a Banquet Feast n spend all day smoking n drinking into the early hours. perhaps not the healthiest or most responsible bt 😔 jude rly likes it it’s kind of the one time of yr he feels he has a proper family

they r both suuuuper into the arts. rly good sculptors bt they paint too n they actually own a successful gallery in sheffield n san fran

(trauma tw) as a result he grew up around a lot of creative n sometimes pretentious ppl. the friends of his parents were more present in his life than his ACTUAL parents bc they were always jetting off to diff countries to scout out new pieces fr their galleries n just have a gd time in beautiful places without…. the annoyance tht ws being responsible n looking after someone. tbh some of his parents friends were rly damaging too bt….i won’t go into that just yet. it doesn’t rly…need properly explaining bc jude never talks abt it anyway n it….is rather triggering so i’ll jst….leav it for now tbh. basically they just were Not Nice n jude had a lot of bad memories he keeps repressed bt he also??? has some gd ones..... it was a strange environment bt he’s a survivor

(death n grief tw) he hd to do community service bc he kind of… hd a bit of a breakdown before the funeral of his elderly neighbour who bsically raised him bc her kids rly didnt care abt her they jst wanted her inheritance?? so he… stole the hearse w her casket still in it n ws jst like… drivin around the place sort of… tryin nt to cry…..KJJFHSFKJGHKFG i mean. it isnt funny its actually sad bt :/ in a very bizarre n jude way. he gt caught n taken in fr questioning bt her son kind of realised hw… broken up abt her death jude ws n had a heart n didnt press charges. regardless he stil hd to do community service bc it ws like taken seriously even tho it ws his first proper offence. doin it rly exhausted n depressed him so when he wsnt doin tht he ws just hibernatin in his room……. this ws like 4 months ago nw............ just some fun lore fr u all

bc of how he ws raised he has a p cultured taste. he luvs classic lit n p much anything artsy. he can play piano 2 n sometimes gets rly high n thinks he’s mozart level gd at composing he’s jst going fking wild on the keys in a trance...... i mean he’s gd bt… chill

he’s rly sarcastic n so deadpan like he’ll say smthn completely ridiculous bt he’ll say it w his whole chest so sincere.... it’s rly hard to tell when he’s joking or serious honestly. has an overflowing secret sketchbook n if he cares abt someone he’ll probably secretly draw them. does NOT share these drawings w the person he hates being openly sentimental. at heart he is jst a very Sad Boy w lots of repressed issues like depression genuinely just does NAT giv him a single break bt he plasters over this w wise cracks n never discusses his emotions ever. he’s actually p decent or at least tries to b. he’s kind of like tht bit in superbad where michael cera gets rly drunk n makes a toast to women like tht energy...........

he has rly bad insomnia so he like never sleeps idk how he’s Alive straight up. please go to bed sir............. he always has rly sleepy eyes n rubs them tiredly mid conversation. he smokes a lot of weed to try n compensate fr this n make him tired bt he still struggles a lot

ANYWAY that aside he’s at radcliffe doing art, focusing on fine art like painting is............... the thing he luvs most...... his style is kind of.......... taking normal things n painting w surreal colours.... he likes A LOT of colour in his paintings which is kind of a stark contrast to his personality bc his world’s so.... washed out n grey............ lovs art n philosophy n literature n photography n music.... 

ummMMMMmm honestly idk i’m blankin on what else to say. ull find him smoking weed reading an american classic or gnawing at his thumbnail n getting charcoal smudges on all his clothes. wandering the streets in plaid pj bottoms n dr martens eating frm a cereal box without care in the world. he’s p broody n scruffy n he’s mostly here fr a laidback time....... doesn’t rly like when ppl take themselves too seriously........ likes strange ppl thinks the world is mde richer by them n likes when ppl can jst bounce back jokes at him without being like erm. u dont make sense mate. bc frankly he can come up w some strange stuff sometimes.............. talking to him cn b like navigating a dark n bendy road without a flashlight....... 

(drugs tw) once did shrooms n woke up naked in the woods curled up in a pile of leaves. to this day he recounts this as his werewolf transformation. hs no idea hw he ended up there n when ppl r like are u not. concerned jude. tht is so strange? he jst shrugs like.............. dunno....................... suppose i’m jst a werewolf upon occasion. so casual abt it. jst truly does Not care abt most things at all..... almost to the point tht it’s concerning (sometimes way past the point tht it’s concerning too :/)

this is the desc on an aesthetic i mde of his style once n sums it up well!! ‘additionally: too many pairs of trousers, a hideous amount of white t-shirts all somewhat stained with charcoal, a jumper so thinly knit it almost looks sheer, chipped teale nail varnish, a cream corduroy jacket with a cigarette hole singed onto the cuff, vintage wiry reading glasses he almost never wears, a freshly rolled cigarette behind his ear, a thrifted t-shirt with a warped bart simpson wearing a stethoscope with the caption ‘bard knwos cardiology’ and two crops hacked that way with kitchen scissors that he sometimes wears to paint.‘

EXPERT at rolling spliffs like jst. mkes them so precise n neat....... it’s his super power. his fav thing to smoke frm is banana flavour papers.................... linking 2 this he’s like. bad w emotions bt he does try..... once his friend (maggie) ws sad so he brought her a spliff wrapped in grape flavoured paper bc it’s her fav fruit n jst like. wordlessly gave it to her. it’s the thought tht counts.....

PLOTS!!!!!

plays bass in a band which cld b a fun connection to get together??? i picture the music being like surf rock type like........... mac demarco...... bt he also luvs elliott smith n glass animals n the cure n metronomy n neutral milk hotel n talking heads n radiohead n mazzy star n wolf alice...................... idk jst like.... within tht ballpark i suppose i imagine it being................

mayb ppl he shares classes w?????? i’d like someone tht does a similar course n they hang out tgether when it comes to trips fr the module to museums or exhibits or wtever................ they both stand in front of paintings analysing it rly wrong n saying stuff like hmmmmmmmmm....... i do declare i see a, uh..... large phallus protruding from the centre of this image...... moves something in me.......... n some elderly person looking at it besides them is like Ergh. sickened n disgraced. leaves w a brow severely furrowed

someone he smokes w on the moris rooftop late at night when he cnt sleep??? mayb they’re up n cnt sleep either fr whtever reason n it’s become an unspoken kind of ritual where they always clamber out n find each other there n jst wordlessly keep them company

jude is kind of like. protective almost to a fault sometimes........... mayb some guy he’s punched......................... if they hurt someone he cares abt........... typically it wld hv been a girl he ws kind of like. affected by his first relationship bc she had a bad home situation n ever since jst wnts..... to Protect it’s kind of like an automatic instinct ingrained in him nw 😔 all sounds very noble n well bt sometimes it cn b a bit of an escalation i wnt lie

perhaps a few hook-ups??? jude doesn’t tend to sleep w ppl he rly knows bc he just..... likes it to b an impersonal thing doesn’t like getting attached fr various reasons so mayb they only kno each other via this OR mayb he bent his rules a bit..... cld either work seamlessly or hv added drama if one side hs mre feelings or whtever

currently living in moris w 2 roommates bt i’d love some neighbours perhaps..... mayb someone tht lives directly nxt door to his room n is like ://// bc he plays music loud n weeds always drifting frm his window n mking their room smell if theirs is open too................. or mayb they get on..... mayb there’s a rly mean seagull tht lands on a branch n poos on pedestrians n they both commentate on it frm their windows like david attenborough...... they’re like he’s at it again. they’ve named him n everything

HONESTLY anything if u have an idea hmu i’d love 2 hear it.......... rubs my hands tgether in excitement to plot up a storm w u all

[kooandme]

001/?

hi friend,

i decided to start something like this.. something like a diary. i’m not sure if i’m able to keep it up for more than a day, but hey, you never know! i mean i kinda do, but who knows..

i kinda wanted to start this because lately (several years) i’ve been feeling terrible, why is it that i only remember the worst days? well, no one really wants to listen to me, no one really cares even if they claim they do. it feels like being lied to constantly and it kind of sucks if i’m being super honest. the last time i opened up to someone i regretted it the very next second. i remember tryng to open up about my suicidal tendencies, especially overdose but the reaction was so... it just wasn’t enough to make me believe they care. the thing is, they told me first about their faltering mental health, they also mentioned how they had to told their mom to hide some pills bcs something may happen. and when i thought it’s gonna be fine if i say “same” or “i feel that” but it just werent. their reaction was so ,....? underwhelming? as if they were not expecting that nor accepting it. as if they were always the one to suffer more, as if they always had it the worst. and i hate that. I HATE IT so much, having to forever compare my own struggles to others’ and they decide they arent that bad so im not gonna do anything abt them. im so tired of that. 

i know its my fault too.. i need exact, specific reaction to make me believe i didnt make mistake opening up. i dont know what the reaction im looking for is, but not something underwhelming, as if to feel sorry for me or sad. i dont want any of that. and i dont know why it makes me so fucking angry all the time, its just people suck so bad. and so do i. and theres just this negativity and negativity and nothing nice or fun. i hate how ppeople seek support and validation but dont look back to do the same for others. i hate that this is my mindset and i hate that no one cares whether i live or die. people gonna just pretedn to be sad on their instagram stories or twitter and be like “they were such a nice person..:(” NO i werent, and you wouldnt know if you tried to know me. im not a nice or good person, and i hate that people see me as that.. because that means tahat its all a lie and... i just keep lying to everyone around me. and that sucks.

i think im depressed as well. especially during quarantine i just.. ive been so out of it. and its not only because of quarantine, to be honest it has started when i was around 13-14 but i repressed it obviously. now i can see the illness in all its glory. no motivation, loss of EVERY SINGLE interest, terrible fucking hygiene bevause why would i shower if i dont have to, feeling nothing like...nothing at all, unless its anger or hurt and just generally not caring about anything ever. id end it right here and right now if it werent for my family. id take those pills in my drawer and swallow them all, hoping to overdose and die slowly. that seems like the only escape as of right now. obviously, if i could, id give my life to anyone, gladly so, i just dont think thats how it works. 

lately ive also been thinking about drugs. i dont have any near me, and i also live with my parents so it would be very difficult to both sneak them in and use them. im not actually talking about hard drugs like cocaine or whatver. just some fun ones that make you forget for a while. i have experience with weed, and it was great. sometimes i just wanna smoke my ass of so i dont even remember my own name. sometimes i wanna drink to forget as well. i wanna feel the pain waking up the next morning with throbbing headache, i want to feel something. even if its pain. i m just so tired of this eternal nothingness, that seems to get even worse with time. 

its not fun, life isnt fun

d

[kendricksendrick]

Hi so im in a deferred drug diversion program through my school for something that happened back in january and i rly just need to use this space as a diary for a few hot seconds and tell it how it is/tell my thoughts ig.

Basically in january my roommate and i were smoking weed out our dorm window (i know stupid move but listen) it was during interim (3 weeks where we take 1 or 2 classes) and my hall was p much EMPTY like nobody was there except one other friend. Basically we’d get all our hw done by like 3, nap, eat dinner, shower, smoke, and go to bed at like 8pm out of literal boredom. One night after were done w the ritual just eating chips or somrth there was a knock on the door and it was campus police and blablabla searched the room, had to do the walk of shame in shorts and my winter coat all the way around the building to the dumpster (it was cold as fuck im in wisco) and long story short they told us wed be in the drug diversion program (ddp for short) to get the charge off our record.

Beginning of 2nd semester sometime in early feb we had a meeting w some hall director to explain what happened basically, then had to do the online aoda2 program and 1.5hrs of counseling where we had to again explain everything and why we were doing what we did (extreme boredom (were also stoners but besides the fact)). Anyways theyre like yeah your ddp letter and info shouldcome in about a month.

Letter gets to us beginning of march and said we had 30days to pay the $200 program fee or set up a court date. No way was i finna go to court so im like sheet gotta get this bread somehow. Then bam, corona hits and my school tells us we have 2days to leave campus and they dont know when were coming back, u know that drill. So we call the district attorney (da) and are like hi were being sent home and were supposed to pay this fee like tomorrow what do we do? They said don’t worry about it theyll be in contact w us, just to go home etc.

I go home and forget about the ddp until one day end of april they mail me THE EXACT SAME LETTER (SAME MARCH 30th payment deadline, timestamped early march and all) like the same letter to a T that they sent us earlier in the yr. so i call them and am like ok whats up w this its the same thing?? The lady was like just send us your money for the program and we’ll figure it out in the fall and we’ll be in touch.

Fast forward through the whole summer (where j may kr may not have smoked every day out of boredom and sadness bc hello corona) and i move back to school in September and am minding my damn business going about my life when j get a letter saying i missed a piss test in September. Im like the fuck? They didnt tell me it started (otherwise i wouldve quit smoking in idk august) so i call and im like hi you didnt tell me this started and the lady was like well it was implied that youd start when you get bacj to campus and i was like but you didnt follow up like you said and she was like yea sry just start going in for them now its fine.

So now winter break is coming up right, and its like 2months long at my school and i live far away and dont have a car to skedaddle up here on no notice for piss tests that my parents know nothing about so i called them today and explained the situation. Basically what theyre doing is freezing my status in the program from dec 18-jan 29th while im home on break so i want have to do ua’s or anything but when i come back for second semester end of January i have to pick up where i left off (which is one clean piss test on nov 24, the day i left for thxgiving break btw lmao cause i didnt quit till i got the letter saying i had missed a ua in early october)

Basically w the ddp you have a year to have 6consecutive months of clean ua’s and wipe your record, which wouldnt be a problem, but i have a few issues with it.