#i also desperately wanted to make a pee pun at the end there but just couldn’t make it work

[tinyleaks]

hey friends, wanted to put some words out in the universe that sometimes i need to hear myself

you aren’t gross for liking something that most people consider “gross” or “weird”. it is okay to enjoy things that other people don’t understand, even things people reflexively make fun of. as long as you are being as hygenic as possible, cleaning up after yourself and not doing anything to risk your health, making sure to take breaks from it and stay hydrated between holds, and making sure to never include non-consenting parties in your kinky shenanigans – you’re fine.

if you’ve had to hide your interests from partners out of fear, awkwardly deflect conversations with friends, or heard people you look up to make off-handed remarks – you’re not alone.

no one fully 100% understands where kinks come from, but what we do know is we don’t choose which ones we get, and as long as all parties involved are consenting, happy and healthy: you aren’t doing anything wrong.

please don’t hate yourself over the things you love. be kind to yourself, even when other people aren’t. yes I’m getting sappy on my pee blog, because being “weird” can be really hard on the old mental health at times and i hope all of y’all don’t think any less of yourselves because of this stuff. peace out 💛

[candysimaginaryworld]

CRY BABY ➜ HAIKYUU

How the haikyuu boys comfort you when you’re crying! (gn!reader)

feat — Hajime Iwaizumi, Oikawa Tooru, Kuroo Tetsuro, and Sugawara Koshi

w.c: 5+ (i have no self control)

☾ content: an unnecessary amount of suggestive innuendos (not 18+ material but read at your own discretion nonetheless), mentions of insecurities, fluff, comfort and weed.

☾ note: i finally posted something and the fact that I rewrote this seventeen times is laughable (for reference, I started this on February the 19th) lmaoooo anyway—don’t be a stranger, reach out and tell me what you thought or request something! i love feedback! <3 

k.t

An absolute menace. If this man ever finds you crying, he will fight everyone and anyone within a six foot radius of you, regardless of it being their fault or not.

Kuroo is the kind of man that would smother you to the point where you are sick of him.

He’d be constantly checking in on you; making sure you’re eating right and staying hydrated (If he catches you munching on a bag of Cheetos and a half empty can of sprite, he’s cooking you a five course meal).

Don’t be surprised when his tall, lanky, body flails down the stairs in an attempt to make you laugh. When you ask him about it, he’ll tell you that his pain is worth your smile 😭 But then you’ll hit him for being a dumbass 🗿

His well-toned arms would wrap around your waist as he whispers sweet nothings into your ear; cute things like, “it’s okay baby, I know,” or “I’m here.”

Absolutely refuses to leave your side. You need to pee? He’s coming with you. There’s someone at the door? They can come back later. You need to go to work? No you don’t.

Once you finally calm down, he’ll ask you what was wrong with extreme caution. He tries not to push it—even though he desperately want to know what happened—so he’ll slyly slip in subtle questions every now and then to gain a better understanding of the situation.

In the end, he’ll ruin whatever soft moment you two had by making really bad puns and dad jokes.

If he’s in the middle of work and finds out you’re crying, this man is running out of wherever he is to come home to you. And when he’s overseas, he’s already hovering his thumb over the call button under your contact (which is so cutely named “doriyaki💔” based solely on the fact that you accidentally ate his when you two were dating. Thirteen years ago…in middle school. Mf never forgot.)

The type to bring you roses and takeout after work 💜

Sends you wholesome messages throughout the day, even if you’re in the same room:

K: Ik I tell you everyday but you’re my other half and I love you with my entire heart ♡ ٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و

Y: tetsu, you’re literally sitting right beside me—

K: I know

K: I just wanted to remind you ଘ(੭*ˊᵕˋ)੭* ੈ♡‧₊˚

Does that really attractive thing where he gently rubs his thumb over your knuckles while you’re talking.

Coddles you like a child; won’t let you do ANYTHING without his supervision or approval.

He won’t typically cry when you’re sad but if he feels like it was his fault, he’s fucking crumbling. He can’t handle knowing he was the reason and would do anything to make up for it. Even if it means prancing around in that maid dress you bought him last year 🥲

He’ll offer you his weed pen and, if you’re lucky, you two will hot box in his car before hitting the nearest beach. The smell of the salty ocean air and indica filling your nose while Kuroo’s arms wrap around your waist is enough to make you forget about all your problems. And the way he looks into your eyes—dear god. The amount of love and adoration swirling in those dark pools of his has your heart hammering. How could you possibly cry when he looks at you like you’re the most precious thing in the world??

If you tell him you look ugly from all the crying, he’s cupping your face in his hands and telling you you’re the most beautiful person he’s ever seen and kissing you until you admit it.

Kuroo is a business man but he’s also incredibly family oriented and romantic. If he’s really busy and can’t immediately come to your aid, he’s decorating your entire living room later that night. The walls are decked out with blinking Christmas lights and the table littered with your favorite dishes, all ranging from sweet to spicy entrees and desserts. The first thing you notice isn’t the gorgeous decor of your otherwise plain apartment, it’s the dashingly handsome man kneeling in the doorway. In his gloved hands is a bouquet of flowers and in the other a glass of wine, smiling as if to say, “I’m sorry I wasn’t there before but I’m here now.”

His body has to be touching yours. Whether it be his hands on your neck or his legs on your thighs, there has got to be some sort of body heat between the two of you, not that you minded of course.

He’ll also make you a nice up of tea or coffee and offer you a warm blanket for cuddles. If you choose to take him up on his offer, he’s quick to kiss away your tears and burry your head in his chest. Nothing’s more important to him than these moments where he can be your comfort; your rock.

And as much as he hates seeing you cry…there’s something about that vulnerability that makes him feel one with you. Well, that and when he’s literally one with you but yk—

Just an overall sweetheart when he finds you crying to yourself.

“Listen to my heartbeat, love. You hear that? Yeah, that’s the sound of me having a heart attack—don’t ever scare me like that again...you okay now?”

Overall a solid 8.5/10, he’s an amazing cuddle buddy and doesn’t invalidate your feelings but he can’t help but tease you too. It’s nothing major but little condescending jokes here and there end up pissing you off and leaves him in the dog house 🥲

o.t

His very first instinct is to find out what happened.

The second is to stop you from crying—as much as he loves seeing your tears in the bedroom—he can’t stand to see them when you’re upset. It breaks his heart :((

He’d rather see you cry on his cock :(((

He so desperately wants to cry alongside you but he’s too afraid to reveal his vulnerability so he scrunches up his face and hides in your shoulder to conceal his tears. He’ll 100% deny it too if you bring it up.

Actually a huge sweetheart when it comes down to it. He’s tending to your every need, treating you like royalty and even cooking for you!

He would let you do whatever you want. Unlike Tetsuro, Tooru is the kind of comforter that encourages you to do whatever you want to make yourself feel better. Hell, he’ll even join you if you let him. Even if there’s something he’s not particularly fond of, he’s putting his distaste aside and doing it for you 💜

The kind of person to reenact the entire Romeo and Juliet play in the middle of the living room by HIMSELF—or with Iwaizumi—just to make you laugh.

Endless teasing. It doesn’t matter if you’re crying about something serious or something stupid, this dumbass would say the most out of pocket things at the WORST times, sometimes without meaning too.

Would let you braid his hair and do his makeup if you promised not to show anyone. But when he’s not looking, you’d sneakily send filtered pictures to the Argentina group chat.

@OfficialY/N: [[attached an image: 5]]

@OfficialY/N: my boyfriend looks so pretty :)

@TheBestRomero: lmaooooo posting this rn

@OfficialY/N: I—

‘@TheBestRomero tagged @MilkBread and @OfficialY/N in a post!’

@TheBestRomero: Never looked better @MilkBread! Everyone, thank @OfficalY/N for the photo ;)

@OfficialY/N: 🗿

“Y/NNNNNN!!!”

“Shit.”

His own insecurities fuel him. He puts himself down a lot, saying he doesn’t deserve someone like you and often spends his nights away from you crying about it. Instead of going out to celebrate his win with his teammates, he coupes himself up in his hotel room and makes silly little edits of you that no one will ever see. He understands how you feel, more than you ever would know, but he’d never openly confess it. Instead, he uses his insecurities to comfort you. No one could make you feel as warm as he does even if they tried.

Thinks it’s all his fault so he often apologizes on his behalf even if it has nothing to do with him.

This man lives in constant fear that one day you’ll just up and leave him—just like in his last relationship—so he lives everyday reminding you just how much he loves you.

Scatters random love letters and post-it notes around your shared apartment, his favorites being, “I love you my little milk-bread stealer” and “remember when we shared a kiss at the altar? me either, let’s make that memory together :)”

Sends you gifts from his travels. As cliché and romanticized as it is, he’ll write you post cards from wherever he is because sometimes a simple text isn’t enough.

Shyly suggests to take you out on a date to make you feel better. He feels the most vulnerable here so if you decide to tease him a little bit he’s pouting for the rest of the night. It’s 100% worth it though to see this gorgeous man’s plump lips puffed out as he brattily glares at you through his thick eyelashes 😩

If someone hurt you, Oikawa is immediately all over it. He isn’t extremely violent, nor has he ever been, but when it comes to you he’s willing to throw hands with just about anyone. However, if it’s a body builder three times his size, he’ll most likely call up Daichi and Iwaizumi to help him 😅

Checks in on you every so often. Since his job has him overseas a lot, he’s hardly home but he always makes the effort. He catches wind that you’re crying while he’s in Peru? He’s FaceTiming you almost immediately, no matter where he is or what he’s doing. Once he even FaceTimed you in the middle of a preliminary match.

(^We all know that oikawa was single because his ex-girlfriend said he spent too much time playing volleyball so I think he’s extra cautious about his time because he’s so scared that you—the absolute love of his life—is bound to leave him for the same reason. You wouldn’t, of course, but he’s mindful of it regardless 😭)

Hesitantly lays you on his lap, moving slowly to make sure you’re comfortable. If you make no effort to move away, he’ll lean into your touch and rub soothing circles on your shoulders:

Oikawa’s movements are silent. He’s gently pulling the collar of your oversized shirt passed your shoulders and gently pressing his lips against your neck. His kisses are soft, eagerly trying to cover every inch of your skin as you let out shaky sobs.

“It’s okay, beautiful,” he cooes, nuzzling his nose into your hair as his hands run up and down your sides, “I’m here for you. Everything will be alright now, I promise.”

Would definitely stick his tongue out cutely at you, threatening to kitten lick your tears away unless you stop crying. He probably wouldn’t do that because that’s kind of gross but it makes you laugh anyway.

Constant reassurance. He would tell you all the right things to make you feel loved and secure in his warm arms 💕

Posts “my s/o is sad so i am too :(” on his Instagram with a picture of you crying in his lap. Your face isn’t shown in the picture but the way you buried your face into his torso easily gave you away.

^ You’re beating his ass after that.

Depending on how bad you’re crying, Oikawa will either gently hold you in his arms with his fingers gliding through your hair or he’s silently listening to you rant. He might not have the answer to everything but he sure as hell is good at giving advice and listening. He’ll give you everything you need and more.

He even wears the cologne you love so that you can smell it when you cuddle him to sleep.

If he’s home pray to god for mercy 😭 he’s not letting you out of his sight, let alone out of his arms. Much like Kuroo, he has to be touching you. Doesn’t matter where or how, physical contact is an absolute must for you two (it’s his primary love language).

Let’s be honest, this cocky mother fucker would use this as an opportunity to turn you on. Like I said, he loves seeing you cry in the bedroom so once he sees your red eyes, tear-stained cheeks and smudged eyeliner, all blood rushes to his head. He gets so dizzy he physically can’t think of anything else. Once he feels that you’re starting to feel a little better, he’s jumping into action. His hands are snaking from your waist to the inside of your thighs, gently kneading your skin as his hot breath tickles the back of your neck.

“You look so fucking gorgeous when you cry, precious…I wanna see more. What do you say? Will you let me take care of you?”

^🦋🦋��

Would 100% send you pictures of cute dogs and himself

If you’re wearing makeup that gets ruined after you’re crying, he’ll touch it up for you as best as he can and if you’re being honest it’s better than what you normally do.

Tries to make you brownies but quickly remembers he doesn’t know how to bake for shit and nearly burns down your kitchen ☺️

Willingly gives you his milk bread in hopes of cheering you up

The kind of man to head to a bakery or flower shop before seeing you, getting you only the best things he could possibly find.

He’s a pretty good listener and would make connections to his own life to let you know that you’re not alone <3

“Please don’t cry, baby, what’s wrong? Want me to run to the store and get you something?”

5.5/10. He’s just too much of a drama queen to handle the situation 100% seriously

Overall an 8/10. He knows when to be serious so when you’re crying about something important, you better believe he’s going to be all over it. There wouldn’t be an ounce of joking or teasing in his voice until he sees a smile on that beautiful face of yours <3 (but then right after he’s back to calling you a crybaby 🗿)

s.k

Immediately panics, no matter how big or small the issue is. He doesn’t even have the gall to hide it, he practically has a mental breakdown in the middle of the living room and asks you what happened and if he needs to get the cops involved. (Sure on the court Suga was the best at keeping everyone calm but what happens when he can’t be calm? All hell breaks loose 💀)

Once he gets over his initial shock, he’s quick to react. He’ll do subtle sweet things like running you a warm bath with aroma therapy or giving you massages with essential oils—anything to keep your mind and body at ease 💕

More times than not, during your bath, he’ll pull up a chair and start scrubbing shampoo into your hair. Even though he’s not a masseuse, he might’ve been in his past life with how perfect his technique is 😩

The kind of man that would make you homemade pastries when you’re sad. Just imagine crying your eyes out in a dimly lit bedroom and Suga comes in with a dopey smile on his face and a plate full of apple flavored cream puffs. What’s better than that??

Would give you one of his hoodies since he knows you love the smell of his vanilla and citrus shampoo.

Professionally sings the song, “under the sea,” from The Little Mermaid. He’ll encourage you to sing with him and if you do, Suga’s heart swells. Doesn’t matter if your voice cracks or if you can’t sing, he just loves the fact you’re trying. (If anyone gets the reference—you’re hot.)

Wouldn’t hesitate to call Daichi if he suspects someone has been harassing you in any way, shape or form:

“911, what’s your emergency?”

“Y/N’s crying.”

“Huh?”

“Y/N is crying.”

“Who is—hold on. Is this Sugawara-san?”

“Yeah.”

A sigh could be heard on the other side of the phone.

“…just a minute, I’ll send you over to Daichi-san.”

“Thank you.”

Click.

“Hello?”

“Daichi, Y/N’s crying.”

“…I told you not to call me at work, Suga—”

“But it’s important! I think someone is harassing them! They came home from work and wouldn’t stop crying! I think it has something to do with that bastard Kumura from sales!”

“….the one with the boat?”

“The one with five.”

“Shit,” a lot of rustling and the jangling of keys could be heard, “ETA 10.”

ETA: Estimated Time of Arrival

Makes you rest in bed for days. You developed a small headache from the crying and as soon as you mentioned it to your fiancé, he was immediately treating you like a sick child incapable of taking care of themselves.

Constantly uses pet names like it’s a mantra, so much to the point where you think he might have forgotten your real name.

He’ll even hit up the pretty setter squad to support you. They’ll all make sure you are laughing and smiling in no time! However, if he notices a certain blonde setter getting a little too close to what’s rightfully his, he won’t hesitate to grab you by the waist and establish his boundaries:

“Ooh, a new outfit,” Atsumu hums, gently running his fingers past the light blue material of your shirt, making you jump slightly in surprise. He chuckles, tilting his head to the side and grins cheekily, “hehe sorry, honey. Ya just look real pretty.”

You turn around and take notice of his lingering gaze on your body, making you shake your head and offer him a goofy smile. You were used to the twins’ blatant advances toward you, knowing full well he enjoyed teasing you any chance he got—especially if he found out you were feeling down. In a strange way, it was his way of comforting you.

“Hey ‘sumu,” you laugh sheepishly, taking a small step back from the flirtatious setter’s advances only for him to close the gap again, “how’ve you been?”

“Better now. I finally get to see ya, precious.”

Strike one.

“Precious? Well that’s a new one,” you snort, crossing your arms and keeping your eyes level with his, “where’s your brother?”

Atsumu’s eyes wander from your eyes to your slightly exposed chest right down to your thighs.

Strike two.

“He’s in tha back gettin’ firewood. Wanna go ‘round and see what trouble we can find, sweetheart?”

Strike three.

Suga wastes no time in pushing past his old orange-haired kohai and stalking up to the two of you, having seen the entire interaction before it even began. The blonde setter feels a sudden rush of cold air cascade down his spine but chooses to ignore it, big mistake. Not even a second later, the source of his discomfort is standing right in front of him, grabbing you by the waist and quickly pressing his lips against yours. You jolt, feeling Suga’s tongue prod against your lips as he stares right at you, as if to say, “keep your eyes only on me.”

Yeah, Atsumu left soon after lmao (forgive me—idk how to write the way atsumu talks 😭😂)

Being as artistic and crafty as he is, he attempts to paint a portrait of you. Initially, he was saving it for your anniversary but once he sees the crocodile tears streaming down your face, he decides to give it to you early.

Magic hands. It doesn’t matter where this man touches you, if his hands are anywhere near your body, expect a massage that’ll have you drooling. There’s just something about his soft yet firm touch that makes you fold. It doesn’t help that he knows all the places that make you squirm either.

Would cover your face in cute stickers for no real reason at all. You don’t have kids but because of Koshi’s job as an elementary school teacher, he’ll always have at least a pocketful of cute stickers his kids give him.

Gently pokes you on the side of your stomach, chanting, “negativity begone!”

Says things to himself as if you aren’t in the room. He’ll up and say, “I really wish that my amazing partner was happy! What could I, their oh-so-amazing fiancé, do in this a dire situation!” Which usually ends up with you giggling into his chest.

Makes you tea, coffee, or hot cocoa depending on your preference but is always so extra about it. Your tea would have honey and lemon served with a lemon bar, your coffee would have latte art severed with a slice of toffee cake and your hot cocoa would have marshmallows served with a s’more 💕

Just lays with you until you decide to speak. He’s really considerate of other people’s feelings, especially yours, so he would embrace you in his arms and waits until you’re ready to talk.

Gets his entire elementary class to do something for you. The next day after you’re crying, he’ll tell his kids that you’re not feeling well so he wants them to make something nice for you during arts and crafts time. Expect plenty of cute little hand-drawn cards, necklaces, and macaroni art.

Constant videos of him interacting with the kids. He’ll be dancing with one of the girls, playing catch with one of the boys or even singing with the whole class. It’s the cutest thing ever to see him messing around with them 😭

Just a super considerate sweetheart who holds you on a pedestal.

“Take as long as you need, honey, I’m not going anywhere.”

1000000000/10. I don’t make the rules, he’s the best. No further debate 😭

i.h

Bless it be the lucky son of a bitch that gets to cry into Hajime’s huge, tattooed, biceps 🙏🏻

As soon as Hajime sees your tears it’s all over. He immediately jumps to the conclusion that someone hurt you and unless you tell him otherwise, he’s planning someone’s murder checking in with all your friends and family to see if they know anything.

(Very concerned and devoted husband 10/10)

As soon as he gets an understanding of the situation he approaches you more sensitively, gently asking you what’s wrong while he wipes your tears away. The last thing he’d want to do is make you feel worse of course.

The kind of comforter that’ll load you into his pick up truck and take you out on a late-night drive through the city.

He’ll come home from work ready for a night of classical music and body oil. As much as he refuses to admit it, he loves these moments. The evenings he gets to spend with you, stripped of all clothing, completely and utterly bare to him just so he can take care of you makes him feel whole. The feeling the warmth of your body under his touch gives him reassurance that you’re okay so as much as it helps you it also helps him. (It’s a completely sexless endeavor full of non-sexual love. He’s gently rubbing oil into your tense muscles, just wanting to make you feel better—he’d never take advantage of your vulnerability.)

Hajime’s day job as an athletic trainer requires him to know a lot about the body so the massages he gives you are absolutely mouth watering 😩 (sometimes you even pretend you’re sad just to get a full body massage)

When you look at him with those big, gorgeous, doe eyes of yours—brimmed with tears nonetheless—he swoons. He thinks you’re such a pretty crier and would tell you that without hesitation.

Randomly tapes passive aggressive letters to your bathroom mirror 😭

“Stop crying, you look like a gremlin. Love you ♡”

“Take a shower stinky, you’ve been in bed for days.”

“Idc if you’re sad, you better not watch 90 day fiancé without me.”

^and once he’s done being a little shit 🙄 he’s forcing you to cuddle him on the couch like the huge softie he is 💕

Shyly offers to cook you dinner. The adorable little blush on his tan cheeks as he shuffles into the kitchen wearing nothing but his boxers and a “kiss the cook” apron leaves little to imagination. At that point, you’re hardly crying anymore, all you can think about is how fast you can get him off under those pretty pink ruffles.

Playfully picks fights with you. You’ll have a small stain on your shirt that Hajime notices and he’s teasing you about it 😭 like you’re crying and he’s just like “babe…did you have mochi without me? How could you?” And you’re just there like 🧍‍♀️

His arms. That’s it. That’s your comfort.

Rubs the upper parts of your cheeks with his thumbs, removing the tears from your face before they fall. He hates seeing you cry, it makes him feel like he failed to protect you.

The kind of man that’ll play the song you two danced to at your wedding. The both of you gently swaying to the music as your daughter, Asaka, comes running in, doing her own little dance with her little bunny rabbit 😭

Like Tooru, Hajime will randomly send you selfies throughout the day. Most of them are either really out of focus or just plain dorky but they make you smile nonetheless. (A lot of them are just him flexing in the mirror at the gym)

Gives you his Godzilla™ hoodie then gets mad at you for wetting it 🗿

Takes your daughter out of school early to surprise you at work.

Asks Oikawa to play a few practice matches with you when he’s in town, knowing how much you enjoyed watching the Argentinian play:

“Iwaizumi,” the brown-haired setter rushes off to the side of the court, catching you and your husband laughing at something by the bleachers. It was like high school all over again—the image of young Hajime trying to pick you up in the gym suddenly flashed in his mind.

Both you and Hajime turn.

“Yes, ‘kawa?”

“What’s up, shittykawa?”

Two completely different responses.

“Oh,” Oikawa reels back in embarrassment, cheeks glowing red as his eyes flickered back and forth between you and your husband, “I keep forgetting you two have the same last name. Still haven’t gotten used to it.”

You both share a quick, knowing glance, before bursting out into fits of laughter. That’s right, you remembered, watching Hajime strike up a conversation with his best friend with a look akin to annoyance, you were an Iwaizumi. The realization almost made you start crying again. Almost.

If you have long hair, Hajime is using one of your daughter’s hair ties and putting your hair up in a ponytail so your tears won’t stick to your bangs.

Constantly poking your cheeks. He just loves the feeling of your soft skin in his hands so he’ll knead at the small squish in between his palms until you’re muffling your words. He does this a lot when you’re crying so you stop talking and breathe.

Loads up animal crossing on your matching Nintendo Switches (you both have the limited edition green and blue one) and gives you cute things he finds around his island like white cosmos and blue sea shells 😭 he’s also the kind of person that would spend all day setting up a ocean-side cafe in game to surprise you on a little animal crossing date 🥺💕

^(idk man, the idea of seeing hajime spending hours perfecting the ideal picnic spot has my heart all warm and shit. For reference, your date spots would look something like this 😭😭)

Practically force feeds you if he suspects you haven’t been eating well.

Tickles you 😭 this man would be a menace if he finds you crying. He’s pulling out the “tickle monster” card and chasing your ass around the house until he’s got you trapped underneath him. Your daughter thinks it’s a game and joins him 🗿 the little traitor—

The kind of man who’ll prioritize you above all else. Everything that isn’t you become irrelevant and the only thing on his mind is how he could possibly make you feel better.

“Hey hon, want me to take the day off? We can go to that amusement park you and Asa are always talkin’ about.”

11/10. Hajime just has a comforting aura around him that makes you instantly feel at home. The combination of his biceps wrapped around your waist, his natural scent of oak, and the gentle rain pattering against the hard-panned window is all too perfect 💜

I ran out of ideas lmfao

||Requests Open||

[xxx-cat-xxx]

heaven forbid (you end up alone)

Two years on and I'm still not over Endgame. But at least I finally finished this fic!

A word of warning; this one is Endgame-compliant and centred around the topic of grief and Pepper’s and Happy’s friendship in the aftermath of Tony’s death.

Major thanks to @twentyghosts​ for beta reading.

*

Throughout her life, Pepper has always divided her days into small pieces, regulated by meticulous plans. She can’t remember ever waking up without a mental―or written―to-do list and a clear idea in which order to tackle it. It’s her way of managing a multinational company. Of managing Tony, which was arguably more challenging than SI’s 300,000 other employees combined. Of managing her own alien-invaded, super power-sprinkled, increasingly absurd life. 

And whenever things get overwhelming and she feels like she’s falling into a bottomless, desperate pit, that’s what she does: plans the next 30 minutes, and then the 30 minutes after that, and so on until it’s one thirty am and she is tired enough to fall into bed without having to think about anything except what’s ticked off on the list and what’s left for tomorrow. 

That’s what she does now, seven weeks after her husband’s death. 

This Saturday is booked for tidying up the closets. There is no need to keep Tony’s clothes, other than a few special ones for memory’s sake, the band shirts and the ones with the science puns she still likes to sleep in. And it would be a waste to wait any longer to donate them: even two months on, there is more than enough need out in the streets due to the chaos that came on after the reverse. 

Homeless people wearing 5000 dollar suits, that would have been to Tony’s taste. 

Pepper has cleared her schedule well in advance, picked a weekend Morgan can stay with Rhodey, already ordered the Dress for Success pick-up for the next morning. Made a plan of action, starting with the top floor. 

All that’s left now is to do it.

“Okay, Virginia,” she tells herself. The name feels unfamiliar on her tongue, but maybe she needs this, needs the reminder that she had a life before Tony Stark and, as horrible as it sounds, will have one after him. “Get up. Drink some water. Go through the closets.” 

It’s just that she can’t. 

She enters the bedroom, their bedroom, her bedroom, opens the cupboard. And then she stands in front of it for almost twenty minutes, unable to bring herself to move. 

Finally, her legs grow a bit weak under her and she has to sit down on the floor, less and less successfully fighting the feeling that the air around her is completely devoid of oxygen. She can’t breathe. She can’t get up. She can’t walk over to the closet and get started with the next item on her list―it’s as if there’s an invisible barrier between her and the task. She just can’t. 

It takes her almost 45 minutes before she finally calls Happy.

*

Much like Tony, Pepper is someone who distracts herself with work, and looking after Morgan, organising the funeral and getting the Stark Foundation into motion to set up shelters for four million Returned without a place to go have been tasks so time-consuming that she didn’t have any other option than just to function, and function well. Almost well enough to trick herself into believing that she’ll be fine.

Sometimes she wonders whether she has become so good at perfecting the image she shows to the public that she doesn’t even know anymore who she actually is. 

“Hey.” 

She hadn't noticed Happy’s presence until he is standing in the doorframe. 

“Happy,” she greets, her voice sounding foreign to her own ears. 

“Oh, Pepper.” He looks her up and down, his expression equal parts sad and kind. “Come on. Let’s get you up from the floor.” 

She pushes away his hands helping her up, she doesn’t need them, doesn’t need any help, but then the world blurs suddenly and she kind of does. Happy steadies her when she sways, alarmed but not as surprised as she’d want him to be. It would irritate her, on normal days, because she can take care of herself, doesn’t need anyone to hold her, thank you very much. But today she is just a bit too tired to pretend. 

"Have you eaten?" he asks, voice still too warm when he guides her over to the bed and sits her down. 

“I had...tea this morning.”

“And last night?” 

She is silent. He sighs, and she deflects, “Haven’t had much of an appetite lately.”

“Alright, I’ll go find us some food. Just stay here.”

“Thanks, Happy,” she says quietly. 

He sighs again. “It’s alright. I knew this was going to happen sooner or later. I’m just glad I’m here.” 

She nods. She knew it too, that she wouldn’t be able to distract herself forever, even if she wouldn’t admit it to herself. But that’s the thing. She wasn’t afraid of it happening, only of the After―of things calming down and her having to deal with the lonely, horrible, rest of her life. Of realising that the inevitable breakdown doesn’t help a single bit. That picking up the pieces is not in the least easier than keeping them together.

*

Happy returns 15 minutes later with a big bag of cavity-inducing gas station doughnuts, sprinkles and all. The mere thought of biting into one makes Pepper’s stomach roll. 

“I’m not sure I can eat those,” she tells him when he sits next to her on the bed and leans against the headboard. 

“Just try.” 

She does, fighting down the looming nausea, and, surprisingly, the sweetness helps. She breathes out, one and a half doughnuts and a small bottle of orange juice later, and finds that her head feels clearer. 

“Morgan would love this,” she observes, nodding at the rest of the treats. “She’s been trying to bully me into making her waffles for breakfast every single morning of the last whole month.” 

“So, did she succeed?”

Pepper shakes her head. “It’s bad for her health. But she keeps throwing tantrums. I know it’s because of what happened, but god, she's been so difficult. The way she shouts at me, sometimes I think she hates me.”

Happy sets down his reusable coffee cup and looks straight at her. “She doesn't, Pepper." 

She can’t stop herself from snorting. “How would you possibly know?”

“I can see the way she looks at you. Looks up to you. She adores you.”

“I…” Pepper bites her lip, unable to decide whether that’s something she wants to share. Life has taught her that it’s usually better to keep your weaknesses to yourself if you want to stay on top. But then, it’s not like there is any competition of people wanting to parent her daughter. “I don’t know about that. I know she misses Tony, but I also feel that she misses...a parent who knows how to handle her. I’m not―sometimes I’m afraid I’m not a very good mother.”

“That’s not true, Pep, and you know it.”

She takes a deep breath. “I never wanted to have children, Happy. I mean, it’s not that I didn’t want Morgan, once we decided in favour of me getting pregnant. And I never regretted having her. But it was mostly Tony who pushed for this, who needed this. He has - had - a way with kids...you know, I can be strict, but he can―could―get her to do what is necessary without even having to raise his voice. And sometimes I just wonder―what if I ruin it, Happy? She only has me.”

“Firstly, that’s not true. Rhodey and I are here for you too. You got your sister, and I’m sure Peter would be more than happy to babysit as well. There’s more than biological parents for a kid, you know that better than anyone, right?” 

She nods, hesitantly.

“And secondly,” he continues, “You are doing great under the circumstances. Nobody is born a parent. But if you’re good at anything, then it is to adapt to difficult situations. You can do this, Pepper.”

“Yeah, I know… I know I can.”

And that’s exactly the point. Pepper has always pulled through. Everyone expects her to keep functioning, and she isn’t one to miss people’s expectations. But sometimes she wonders if she’s still alive in there.

*

They finish up the doughnuts and start tackling the clothes. It goes surprisingly smoothly, and Happy even coaxes a few hesitant chuckles out of her when he fishes a gold-glittery mankini and a few other special-occasion items out of the far corner of Tony’s wardrobe. They are three boxes in and have moved one floor down when Pepper takes a break to pee and wash the dust off her face in the guest bathroom.

Tony’s shaver is lying on the edge of the sink. He must have been shaving here the day he left for the compound, likely because Pepper or Morgan were using the upstairs bathroom, and left it there. She always tells him to put it back in the cupboard and he always forgets―forgot. She picks it up, ready to put it where it belongs, when it hits her. 

It’s futile. It’s a personal shaver of a man who’s never going to need one again. Nobody’s ever going to use this particular shaver again. She could just as well throw it away. 

Pepper feels anger burn hot and fierce in her chest. She opens her mouth, to scream, maybe, but all that comes out is a broken sob. 

Happy must have been listening for her from the other room, because he is there in an instant. She turns away, reflexively hiding the tears on her face, but he stops her.

“Hey. It’s okay. It’s okay to cry.”

“I need to―I don’t have time―”

“I think we can clear fifteen minutes in your schedule for a breakdown, right?” Happy teases, the smallest of smiles on his face although he looks close to tears himself.

A memory strikes, and she chuckles through the sobs, then cries harder. 

“What’s it?”

“That’s just the kind of thing he would have said.”

“Oh, Tony,” Happy smiles sadly.

“I just―I miss him so much, Happy. It’s―It’s all the small things―his shaver―the tinkering and the empty pizza boxes everywhere and the never-ending cups of coffee and the way he just keeps on talking, to his bots and to me and Morgan―and―” she runs out of breath. 

“I know. I miss him too.”

“You know, the way he used to stick his tongue between his teeth when he was concentrating and not realising anyone was around? Morgan did the same recently while drawing, and I just―sometimes I just can’t―”

“You can do it, Pepper. If there’s anyone who can do it, it’s you. You are strong.”

Pepper laughs, but it sounds shrill and false in her ears. 

“People say that all the time, you know? And the worst thing―you know what the worst thing is?”

Happy shakes his head.

“The worst thing is, it’s true. You know, early into the relationship I was thinking that I can’t live without him. I was so, so scared something would happen to him, so I tried to stop him from being Iron Man… And then we took a break, and he ended up half-dead in Siberia, and at that time I realised that yes, I can live without him. It just wasn’t a life I wanted to live. And now―thinking that I have to do this every day, it’s just―it’s like someone is sitting on my chest and strangling me, over and over again.”

She hears Happy swallow hard, then he shuffles closer and wraps his arms around her, pulling her close. One of the bear hugs that got her through the time when Tony was in Afghanistan and both of her parents died in the span of three months, that got Tony through his panic attacks, and Morgan through some of her nightmares. 

She feels water drop onto her neck, and she knows Happy is crying too. 

*

They do finish the clothes before nightfall, because Pepper has always been awfully good at ticking off to-do lists, even on the worst days. When they are done, they get a bottle of red wine from the cellar and empty it in Tony’s honour, sitting near the lake where Pepper and Tony once spent a whole night just after they bought the house getting eaten by mosquitos, when they decided to turn it from a temporary recovery getaway into a home for as long as time would grant them. 

Morgan took her first steps here, had her first fall, cried buckets in Pepper’s arms while Tony put a band-aid on the scratch on her elbow, and Pepper remembers thinking how little children know of pain. A few steps below Pepper laid the arc reactor to water, holding the hand of the girl who now knew so, so much of it; and sometimes she doesn’t know if she wants to preserve the place forever or burn it all down. 

They sit and drink and at some point Pepper closes her eyes, and through the buzz of alcohol she can almost imagine that Tony is in the garage, finishing up a project before joining them for the night. 

She thinks of him with love, with tenderness, with unforgiving pain.

She wonders if it will ever get easier. She wonders if she even wants it to be.

*

They go to bed at two. Happy takes the guest room where Tony’s shaver is now lying at the bottom of a dust bin. Pepper lies wide awake, her window open, listening to the familiar sounds of life far away from the city. 

She will fall asleep eventually, facing away from the empty side of the bed. She will wake up at six, a little hungover, force herself to start the day with yoga and a run. Will call Dress for Success to make sure they get to the house on time, will oversee the pick-up. Will have breakfast with Happy so he doesn’t have to worry about her passing out when he gets on his way. Will sit through an SI video conference until it’s time to pick up Morgan, maybe take her to the mall or to see a movie on the way back home from Rhodey’s. Will make her dinner, give her a bath, put her to bed on time, if possible without a tantrum. Will tackle her email inbox until a headache will force her to bed. Will make a plan for Monday, another Monday without Tony, before falling asleep. Will wake up and face that one too.

Rinse and repeat, one day at a time.

*

All my fics

All my Pepperony fics

[searchingwardrobes]

It’s Been . . . a DAY 1/3

Yeah, I've got WIPs, but yeah, this came to me. My oldest, years ago, had to pee really bad and NO ONE would let me use their bathroom. An insurance office, of all places, took pity on me, and my kid proceeded to pee on their bathroom floor. I burst into tears, and the woman there hugged me and told me how her kids peed in all kinds of places when they were potty training. The people were so nice, they refused to let me clean it up. I've never forgotten that act of kindness, and I likely never will. So that's the inspiration for this story which will have three parts.

Summary: Emma Swan bursts into Killian's life in spectacular fashion - when her three year old pees on his office floor. Nevertheless, Killian is mesmerized by this tenacious woman. Perhaps fate will let them cross paths again . . .

Rated: G

Words: Just shy of 2k

Also on Ao3

Tagging the usuals: @kmomof4  @snowbellewells @whimsicallyenchantedrose @xhookswenchx @teamhook @let-it-raines @winterbythesea @spartanguard @shireness-says @superchocovian @thesschesthair @resident-of-storybrooke @vvbooklady1256 @hookedonapirate @ultraluckycatnd @hollyethecurious @welllpthisishappening @wellhellotragic @bethacaciakay @optomisticgirl @lfh1226-linda @ilovemesomekillianjones @ekr032-blog-blog @itsfabianadocarmo @profdanglaisstuff @thisonesatellite​ (sorry if I forgot anyone - I am really tired right now!)

Chapter One: 

“Can we use your bathroom, please?”

Jones & Jones Accounting Firm isn’t your stereotypical lifeless, silent establishment, just as the Jones brothers don’t look like your stereotypical accountants. Nevertheless, the frazzled blonde bursts in upon a moment of intense concentration. It’s tax season, after all. Killian takes in said blonde, her hair a wild disarray and tension in her shoulders. She’s clearly not having the best day. A squirming three year old grips her hand, doing what Liam and Elsa always call “the potty dance.”

All four employees of Jones & Jones (it technically should be Jones, Jones, & Jones, but Elsa said that was far too pretentious) hurriedly assure the woman, “yes, yes, of course,” leaping to their feet, hovering, oozing politeness, and pointing to the end of the hall to the facilities. The woman practically weeps in relief.

“Pee pee now, Mama!” the child cries, and his mother scoops him up, holding him out in front of her as she races for the toilet. It’s another maneuver Killian is familiar with thanks to Liam and Elsa - or his nephew, to be more specific.

The blonde - he really wants to know her name - sets the boy down in front of the toilet. In her haste she doesn’t even bother to shut the door.

It’s too late.

Before she can even get the child’s pants down, a yellow puddle is spreading at his feet.

“I’m so sorry,” she gasps to the adults still unhelpfully hovering.

Then she starts ugly crying. Somehow, Killian knows this is out of character for her.

The boy begins to cry in earnest too. Liam and Elsa race off, most likely to take care of this, as the only two adults at Jones & Jones with kids. Ariel, who knows nothing about personal space and has never met a stranger, puts a comforting arm around the blonde.

“It’s okay, lass,” Killian assures, “really.”

“How can it be okay? We burst in here and peed on your floor!”

Killian bites the inside of his cheek to keep from smiling or pointing out that only the lad did the actual peeing.

Liam appears with a roll of paper towels and a mop. “Accidents happen,” he tells the young mother cheerfully. “Potty training?”

“Yes!” the woman practically wails. “He’s three, so I know we should be done -“

“Ours is three too,” Elsa interrupts as she pushes a stack of clothes into her arms, “and he still has accidents. Which is why I have a spare set of clothes in my desk drawer.”

“Oh, spare clothes,” the woman mutters, shuffling through the massive bag slung over one shoulder. “Shit, he peed on those yesterday.”

He continues to sob as Liam lifts him out of his yellow puddle.

“So take these,” Elsa insists once again. “My name is Elsa, by the way.”

“Emma,” the blonde answers with a trembling chin as she takes the clothes, “and I never fall apart like this with strangers.” She chuckles sardonically. “Hell, I don’t do it with people I do know, but we’ve just had the worst time. Henry said he had to go, but every shop on this street said no when I begged for a bathroom. I was trying to buy him a pair of shoes. I mean, who the hell opens a kids’ thrift store and doesn’t put in a public bathroom?”

Killian once again bites his lip at the heat in her voice. He believes her when she insists that she rarely falls apart. She’s feisty and tough as nails - no question.

“Well,” Liam says, stuffing the wastebasket with sodden paper towels, “I’ve gotten most of it so you can change your lad out of his wet things. I’ll mop up when you’re done.”

Emma looks at each of them in turn, her eyes wide and glistening with unshed tears. “Why are you all being so nice?”

It’s clear from the way she says it that kindness has been rare in her life. It makes Killian wonder about the boy’s father. She isn’t wearing a ring, but that doesn’t mean the man isn’t around. Whoever he is, he’s done nothing to ease that look of mistrust in her eyes.

“Because it’s clear you’re having a rough day,” Killian tells her gently, “and we’ve all been there.”

“Some of us literally,” quips Liam, and Elsa laughs.

“Your office was the sixth place I tried,” Emma whispers. “I never would have asked to use a bathroom in a business office if I wasn’t desperate.”

The boy - Henry - is still sniffling. “Was I a bad boy, Mama?”

“Oh baby, no,” Emma croons, falling to her knees before her son. “Even a big person might have had an accident holding it as long as you had to.”

Her soft voice melts the little boy, and he collapses wearily into his mother’s arms for comfort. Emma obliges, heedless of the child’s smelly dampness. She’s a good mother, that’s clear. The businesses on this street however? Killian clenches his jaw as he mentally ticks them off: the thrift store Emma had mentioned, a sporting goods store, a ladies boutique, a children’s book store, a jewelry store, and then Jones & Jones. Every single one had no reason to deny the desperate mother and child an exception to their “employees only” restrooms.

“Next time, love,” Killian says to the resilient mother before him, “you just stride right back to the bathroom no matter what they say.”

“Yeah,” Ariel agrees, anger flashing in her eyes, “I understand why they might not want a public bathroom, but surely they could see it was an emergency.”

“You just tell them it’s either let you use their bathroom or your kid’s gonna pee right on their floor,” Elsa grumbles. She’s clearly pissed - pun completely intended - or she wouldn’t have spoken with such poor diction.

Emma laughs, her face more at ease than it has been since she arrived. “I’ll remember that next time. Desperate times call for desperate measures.”

“And potty training is definitely a desperate time,” Liam commiserates.

They leave Emma and Henry alone then so she can change his clothes. When mother and son exit the bathroom, they both look much calmer.

“I can’t say thank you enough,” Emma tells them. “I’ll come back by tomorrow to return the clothes.”

Elsa waves away her offer. “No worries. Those are pretty worse for wear. Ian won’t miss them, I promise.”

“Ian Jones, I’m guessing?” Emma asks. “That’s a nice name.”

“It’s a nickname, actually,” Liam tells her from where he’s mopping the bathroom. “He’s named after this git of a brother, over here.”

“Oi, but you did name him after me, didn’t you?” Killian shoots back.

“Nickname, huh?” Emma asks with a tilt of her head and a teasing smile. “Short for . . . ?”

“Killian.” Is it just his imagination, or is she flirting with him? “Killian Jones.”

He extends his hand, and she takes it.

“Emma Swan.”

A last name! His heart soars. “It suits you.”

Emma’s smile brightens even as she rolls her eyes. No, it isn’t his imagination - she is flirting. “I bet you say that to all the girls.”

“Only the ones with kids who pee in my office.”

She tilts her head back and lets out a full-throated laugh. It does something to his heart - makes it expand or something equally cheesy. Her cheeks are pink as she looks at him while tugging at the ends of her hair.

“So . . . um, I still feel kind of bad about that.” Her nose wrinkles, and he notices the light dusting of freckles there.

“Well, you could make it up to us by staying and having dinner. It will be here any minute: sub sandwiches and practically a whole salad bar. Ariel always orders way too much.”

“It’s better than running low!” the redhead snaps indignantly.

His smile wavers as he watches a shadow pass over Emma’s face, dimming her eyes. It’s as if he’s watched a wall fall back into place. She shuffles her feet, and ducks her head. Henry meets her gaze, popping a thumb into his mouth.

“I . . . um, think this is a Happy Meal kinda night - right kid?”

“Yay!” Henry cheers, bounding up and down in that jerky way toddlers always have. “Ticken nuggets!”

“Chicken nuggets,” Emma corrects.

“Dat’s what I say,” Henry retorts with a frown.

Killian catches the boys gaze and winks at him. The boy giggles before popping his thumb back in his mouth. Then Killian regards Emma again, weighing the risk of his next question, but he has to know.

“His father is expecting dinner too, perhaps?”

Emma’s eyes narrow, and it’s clear he’s made a serious tactical error. “He certainly isn’t expecting it from me, wherever the hell he is.”

Killian ducks his head. “Apologies, lass.”

Emma sucks in a breath, then lets it out slowly. When she speaks again, it’s with measured calm.

“I thank all of you again, but we really need to go.”

They all talk over one another assuring Emma that it was no trouble at all, but she practically dashes out the door. When it closes, sadness sweeps over Killian at the thought that he’ll probably never see her again.

“Well, you sure mucked that up, little brother.”

Killian glowers at Liam. “Shut it.”

“Leave him alone, babe,” Elsa admonishes gently. “He had to find some way to make sure he wasn’t flirting with a woman who was already taken.”

“You think she was flirting?” Killian asks.

Ariel snorts. “Please. For a minute there, she was practically melting at your feet.”

Killian groans as he runs a hand over his face. “You’re right Liam. I mucked it up.”

“I don’t think so,” Elsa muses, her gaze drifting to the door Emma Swan had just exited. “I think her walls flew back up before you probed about Henry’s dad.”

Killian sinks dejectedly into his desk chair. “And now I’ll probably never see her again.”

“So what?” Liam shoves the mop back into the broom closet before heading back to his own desk. “You only talked to her for like ten minutes.”

“There was an instant connection, though.” Ariel clasps her hands together and practically swoons.

“And you never know,” adds Elsa, “the two of you may cross paths again.”

Killian frowns as he stares at the spreadsheets on his computer screen. He hasn’t been immediately affected by a woman in this manner since Milah. Liam’s right - it’s foolish to read much into their brief meeting.

Yet he can’t help hoping that he’ll see Emma Swan again.

[twinkleomorashi]

Hey so I thought I’d post one of my old fics to test the waters!! Camp omo anyone?

The second Kylie finishes explaining the rules of counselor hint to the campers I run as fast as I can to the trails to hide. I’ve been planning this spot since I was a kid and finally being able to do it was sending all sorts of adrenaline racing through my body, far past the normal levels one should have during hide and seek.

I scamper just a small ways past the trail entrance and climb the tallest oak tree I can find. The branch is broad and relatively comfortable, but hidden just out of sight of the path to the point where I was still in bounds, but barely noticeable even if you were looking pretty hard. I tuck the popsicle sticks that we’re gonna use for points in my bra strap as I cling to the trunk for extra support, smirking to myself. I check my watch and notice that the game is set to start in three, two, one.

Twenty minutes out of the hour go by and no one has found me yet. I’m pretty proud of myself. Definitely should’ve gone pee first though, but I guess it’s better than dehydration. I adjust myself on the branch a bit. I check my watch, still 39 minutes to go.

I honestly thought at least one group would’ve found my by now. I’m not even in stealth mode anymore. I keep having to move and adjust myself just to keep my steadily growing need to pee at bay. Ugh, I’m such an idiot. I wrap my legs around the branch and press into it as a substitute for using my hands to do so, since they’re what’s keeping me from falling out of the tree. It helps enough and I can’t help but laugh to myself because this whole situation is kind of funny. I’m gonna have to tell June first thing tomorrow. I know she won’t think it’s that funny and I’ll be laughing too hard to even tell it right, but that’s just the sort of thing that we do anyway.

As time slowly passes, it becomes less funny and more nerve wracking. My shirt is soaked in sweat as I keep shifting against the tree. I wipe the sweat from my hands onto my t-shirt before they shakily grab the trunk again. My brain is sending out about a million warning signals. I check my watch again.

“August!” a voice calls. I turn around and see a group, Lisa is leading them. I grit my teeth as I motion for her to come get the popsicle stick since I’m way too high up for any of her campers to reach.

“You okay?”, she asks, “You’re super pale.”

I laugh through my pain and hand her the popsicle stick.

“Yeah, fine. Just chose the worst possible time to have to pee.” I joke.

She laughs as I reassume position and let a small groan escape my lips. I contemplate just calling it quits and coming out of hiding, but now that a group found me it’d be unfair to the others. Besides, I can wait another ten minutes. Ugh, god, I’m shaking. I cling to the tree even tighter, more scared of falling than anything else. A wave of sheer desperation passes over me and I double over as I hold onto the tree as tight as I can.

“This is bad…” I mutter.

I shift more rapidly and check my watch again. The bark of the tree catches on my shin and scapes it as a squirm. I grit my teeth in pain and glance down to see a small trickle of blood running down my shin. I attempt to wipe it away using my other one, but the branch is too thick and I’m just scraping it up more. The stinging isn’t helping with my other predicament at all. I don’t know which pain to focus on more and my body is saying “leg” causing my brain to think it can stop worrying about the other thing. I try to override it by pressing against the tree again, but just the movement from getting into that position is enough to make me accidentally… a little.

“Fuck!” I hiss, immediately clasping my hand over my mouth as I realize what I just said and checked to see if any campers who could’ve heard me were around.

I tentatively glance down at my khaki shorts which now have a small, but existent wet spot on them. I check my watch. Five minutes. Come on, August, just five minutes. Five minutes and then you can run into the nature center and use the bathroom and it’s gonna be fine.

The mere thought causes another leak to prematurely escape.

“No..!” I whimper.

Okay, okay, don’t panic, it’s fine. I can hold it. Of course I can, I haven’t had an accident since I was in second grade! Besides, the more miserable I am now the funnier the story becomes anyway right? Tears start to line my eyes as I squeeze my legs around the branch even tighter. I have to go so bad that my vision is blurring.

“Come on! Come on!” I whisper as I squeeze my eyes shut to stop myself from crying. I feel a spurt run down my leg, it stings my cut causing my to wince and pain and causing another leak to escape.

“Please no!” I plead though the massive lump in my throat.

In a panic I check my watch for the millionth time. Two minutes. My begin to hyperventilate as I try to myself that I’m gonna be fine while knowing that that was getting less and less likely by the second.

“It’s okay! It’s okay! It’s okay! I can- I can-” I stutter as my bladder suddenly lurches.

“Agh-! I- I-”

I break down. Hard. I collapse against the tree trunk and shakily groan as my legs spastically quiver and my body gives in. I can hear it pattering onto the dead leaves below as my legs and shorts become soaked with piss. My breathing is all over the place, quick and shallow as I try not to cry like a wimp but also taking in deep breaths of sheer relief as even my socks get soaked through. As I finally finish up and reluctantly peek down at my shorts. Shit. There’s no hiding what just happened. It’s bad. I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do now. I can’t just go back to my group like this.

I decide that I’ll stay in tree as long as I can manage and then sneak back in my cabin and shower once all my campers and my co counselor ere asleep.

I can hear groups walking back to their cabins. The trails are right outside of the we’re the cabins are and I wait until I year all three camps living there go by before I let down my guard and relax. Well, as much as one can relax while hiding in an oak tree in piss-soaked pants. I hear the rumbling of Addie’s golf cart in the distance and think nothing of it until it starts to sound less and less distant. It suddenly stops and I hear footsteps walking down the trail. This isn’t happening. No way can I let her see me like this. I duck back into my hiding spot.

“August m!” she calls, not like she’s looking for me, but like she sees me and is asking me what the hell I’m doing.

“You need to get back to your cabin.” she says, a bit more sternly this time. God, she's terrifying when she's stern. Sweat’s pouring down my back. This isn’t happening. This can’t be happening.

“August?”,she calls, “You okay?”

“Y-yeah.” I weakly respond.

“Why are you in a tree?”

“Counselor hunt.”

“You know that ended nearly half an hour ago, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay follow up question, why are you still in a tree?”

“Because I can’t go back to my cabin.”

“And why is that?”

“Why do you care?” I huff in embarrassment.

Addie sighs and leans against the tree.

“August, I’ve been here long enough that I was your counselor. You’re one of my kids whether you like it or not and knowing how much you love this place I know there’s a good reason why you’re hiding in a goddamn tree and not with your group. I mean, no offense to her but your co has no idea what the hell she’s doing.”

I take a deep breath as I blink back my tears and hop off the branch. I can hear Addie not-so-subtly force back a snicker as she sees me.

“I’m sorry!” she corrects herself, still smirking.

“Don’t be. It’s not your fault. But I can’t go back to my cabin, especially now that my kids are showering.” I blush.

“God, you really are still one of my kids, Pennington.”

“I was sixteen when you had me, stop acting like your some big shot who raised me or something.” I roll my eyes.

“Excuse you, I totally raised you. And stop acting so pissed off, pun intended, I still haven’t forgotten, y’know.”

I blush.

“You’re eighteen and not a camper so I can joke about it with you now. The massive crush you had on me, I mean.”

“I-I-I- What are you talking about?!” I say as I feel my face turning red.

“Hey I could've said have. Don’t play dumb, piss-pants, did you actually think I wouldn’t notice? You're loud as hell, I could hear you talking to Elle about how you wanted me ‘to take you away on my lesbian bike’. Which for the record, I do have a motorcycle and I’ve been calling it my lesbian bike ever since.”

“Jesus Christ.” I mutter in embarrassment.

“Anyway, I can’t take you away on my lesbian bike, but you can settle for my gay golf cart on a joyride to the nurses office for now.”

“Very funny.”

“I’m serious, I can’t just leave you here like that.

“Th-thanks, but I think I'll just wait it out. I don't wanna ruin your seats or anything.”

My face is practically burning from pure embarrassment.

“Whatever, I'm not the one who has to deal with it.”

“Then who is?”

“You, dumbass, it's your piss isn't it?”

“You haven't changed a bit.” I say as I crack a smile.

“You don’t mess with perfection, kid.”

[softforimjaebum]

죄라 (4)

Im Jaebum x Reader

Word Count: 3.7k

Genre: Angst

Summary: “How do you antifreeze?” “How?” “Steal her blanket”

Author’s Note: Spoiler; it is a little bit of a pun fest, and I refuse to apologise for it. Thank you for reading!

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3

You woke up the next day, in your all familiar bed with an all familiar smell. He tainted everything, and everyone. Including you. 

You didn't really remember how you got in your bed, the last thing you could remember was being in Jackson’s car. You were guessing he was the one who got you safely in bed too. Which is when a sudden panic hit you; in your frenzy to leave the club, you had forgotten to pick up your clutch from the booth. It had some money and your phone, the second one being of way more importance. 

As you were leaving your bed to possibly have to make a run back to the club, you were taken aback to see your phone charging on your bedside table with your clutch kept neatly propped up on it. 

 Jackson Wang; truly your knight in shining armor. 

 You checked your phone, groaning when you saw it was way past when you were supposed to be at the office. 

 The office. Your stomach churned uncomfortably at the very thought of the JYPE building. Even if the offices were a completely different section than where you would usually find the idols, and even if your job was way more involved with the trainees than the already debuted idols, it wasn't unusually to bump into them somewhere or the other. The bumping into each other is what kept your friendship with GOT7 alive after your temporary work with them was over. 

You never took days off, not even sick leaves. Whether you were dying of a cold or had fever high enough to be able to cook stuff on your own body, you showed up to work. Not because your bosses were devils who didn't give you any time off, but because you liked your work. It didn't seem like work on most days. 

But today you were still half asleep at the unacceptable hour of 11am on a Monday morning. So you texted you boss, telling him you were sick and you had only just woken up. And given your track record and friendly relationship with him, you knew he wouldn't mind one bit. If you were staying home as a sick day off he knew it had to have been bad. 

There were a couple of other texts, the most important of which was from Jackson asking you to let him know when you've woken up and if you're doing okay. That was sent at 8am, when GOT7’s practice starts. You decided on texting him later, who knows where his phone would be right now? And more importantly with whom it could be with. 

After you were done texting your boss, you made a mental to-do list in order of the necessity of the things you needed to get done. 

While you knew you were hungry and should have been eating right away, there was a voice in your head constantly reminding you of exactly what had happened on these very sheets the day before. So you decided that the first order of the day was to wash your sheets, again. This time you put in a little more than the necessary amount of the really flowery detergent, hoping it could somehow wash away the memories that were made on it along with everything else.

Your stomach grumbled loudly enough to pull you from your thoughts. Even if food was the last thing you wanted to be worrying about you had to feed yourself. Life had to take its course of moving on whether you were ready to tag along or not, so keeping yourself fed was an important part. Or so you reasoned with yourself to make yourself get to your kitchen and make some food. 

You dragged yourself out of your room, dreading to go to your kitchen and have vague memories of him there when a voice took you by surprise. 

“You haven't eaten since last night have you?” 

You let out a small scream, not expecting anyone to be home let alone the girl in front of you. If Cat was here it meant Jackson was worried enough to call her. And while you appreciated his worry, calling your closet friend during a time you knew she was busy with her work made you feel uneasy. 

“What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be at the gallery?” 

“Have you had anything to eat since last night?” Cat asked, ignoring your question completely. 

You shook your head.

“Okay, I got us some pizza on my way here. And I have Brooklyn Nine-Nine streamed on your Netflix. Help me get everything set up”

“Okay”

And just like that, your late morning turned into an early lunch. You realised it was a good thing Jackson had told her. If he hadn't, you would stay living inside your head all day and that would just do you no good. Cat didn't ask any questions, knowing you would talk to her when you were ready. But even that little human contact was good for you. 

Cat left late in the afternoon, deciding to indeed check up if everything was working perfectly at the gallery. And you continued to binge watch Brooklyn Nine-Nine wrapped up in the softest comforter you could find. 

When you noticed that the lounge had gotten considerably darker, you decided you may as well get a head start on the dinner. Your roommate would probably be curious, and while you were really good friends you both were often known to lead very independent lives. 

You knew she would be there for you when you needed her, and she knew that you would do the same. But both of you never felt the need to constantly keep in touch, even when you lived in the same house. Most days you would have dinner together, but even when you didn't it wasn't such a big deal for either of you. 

Midway through the dinner prep, the bell rang and your heart rate instantly picked up. The two people who lived in the apartment never rang the bell. It was a thing between the two of you, both of you always carried keys and would let yourselves in regardless of whether the other one was home or not. Which meant that this bell ringer was someone else. 

Before you would control it your mind instantly raced to Jaebum. What if it was him? 

You mentally cursed yourself for that being the first thing you thought of. Why would it be him? What sort of wishful thinking had you landed yourself in?

You opened the door only to be engulfed in black hoodie followed by a tiny bark coming from below you. 

“Noona!” you heard the black hoodie say, immediately recognising the voice that said it. “You didn't text Jackson hyung. And you didn't come to office today, we were so worried!” 

Jackson Wang was about to need some life saving at this rate. 

“Noona did you have lunch today? Have you had water?” Youngjae continued rambling as he held you. 

You hugged him back, but it soon turned out to be a difficult task to continue. 

“Yah Choi Youngjae! You're suffocating me”

He pulled back and smiled sheepishly at you. 

“Noona is too small, what do I do?”

You hit his arm playfully and turned to the other one who was desperately wanted your attention on her. 

“My little Coco, come here” you said to her, her tail wagging even more vigorously upon hearing her name being called out.

You continued to coo at Coco and pet her, while Youngjae took it upon himself to close your main door and invite himself in. 

15 minutes later, all three of you were cuddled up on the sofa watching anime. Coco was squished between you and Youngjae, who kept talking mid way through, not that you minded. You loved Youngjae and just his presence was making you feel more at ease. 

You texted Jackson in the pee break Youngjae took, telling him that you were fine and didn’t get around to texting him because you were worried about who he would be with. Jackson’s reply was instant.

You chose one hell of a time. I’m with him for the first time in the day right now. Talk to you later <3

Your heart dropped at the insinuation of Jaebum, but Youngjae was back from his pee break. You told him that you had texted Jackson like he had asked and the conversation took a very unexpected turn.

He told you how he was babysitting Coco and couldn't show up at the club the night before, and how Jackson did not feel like going back to the dorms after dropping you off so he had crashed at Youngjae’s apartment instead; where he had also ended up telling Youngjae about everything that had happened. He confessed that he was afraid things were going to turn sour between Jaebum and you when he first found about your little arrangement.

“Wait, how did you guys know about- you know- everything?” 

He paused for a second. 

“Ah noona, wasn't it too obvious? The way hyung looked at you sometimes, it made all of us uncomfortable at the tension in the room really” 

You looked at Youngjae’s comical expression and it made you smile at him and lightly shoved him away. 

“And how you and hyung would not be available at the same times, that was way too obvious”

So as it turns out all of them had known about you and Jaebum, which made you feel just a little better. This would mean there wouldn't be any awkward questions about why you weren't spending as much time with them in your free time. 

Looking back, you knew you spent a little too much time with these boys. Your work had shifted to focusing on the JYP trainees and yet any time work was slow or you were free you were up in their practice room. It wasn't even because of Jaebum, you were just good friends with the boys. There had even been times you had hid in their practice room and times when you were swamped with work but you chose to bring it all to their practice room. You had sat on the couch that was always kept at the back of the room and done your work while they had learnt their choreography. 

You suddenly remembered the half prepped food you still had in the kitchen, and invited Youngjae to stay for dinner. He agreed on the condition that he got to help you make whatever you were making. While cooking pasta for three was an extremely easy task, he insisted on helping and so you let him. 

Youngjae cut the tomatoes for the pasta sauce while you cooked the marinated chicken. Admittedly it took a lot less time to cook with Youngjae helping you around. 

An hour later, you were all sitting at the dinner table that you had been sitting with Jaebum just the day before, Youngjae, your roommate and you, along with Coco enjoying the little meat you kept aside for her. You tried explaining everything to your roommate but apparently Jackson had told her everything when he carried you up to your bedroom the night before. 

This boy really told everyone didn’t he?

It was an easy conversation after that, you sneaked in a little more chicken to a puppy eyed Coco much to the grump of Youngjae who whined to you about how ‘you're gonna spoil her and then she will ask me for more food’ to which you argued that as Coco’s aunt you had every right to spoil her. 

A little while later, all of you were sitting in the lounge sofa watching a romantic comedy to which Youngjae’s loud laugh made everything funnier. Coco was sandwiched between you and Youngjae, blissfully asleep with you scratching behind her ear. And as you sat there with your friends, life seemed way more manageable than it seemed that morning. 

A couple of hours later when Youngjae left, and you and your roommate got back to your own rooms, all the negative feelings came flooding back into your mind. It was like a tide of sadness hit you, and you were suddenly seeing Jaebum’s memories scattered everywhere in your room. It was like he was haunting you. Things didn’t seem nearly as manageable as it seemed just a little while ago.

That is how you ended up on the floor, curled up in a comforter watching anything and everything that kept your mind off him until exhaustion took over. 

The next few days were a blur, you did what every clichéd heartbroken protagonist does; busied yourself with work. You were glad the admin sections in the JYPE building were completely separated from the practice rooms and any other idol related areas because that meant there was no chance of you accidentally bumping into him. All you had to do was avoid him in the elevators, which you had pretty mechanically done. You were aware of the usual times they were supposed to come in and leave, and you purposefully avoided the elevators during those times or hid out in your office. 

Another thing you were glad for was the constant presence of your friends. The boys had taken it upon themselves to come meet you in their breaks, sometimes all of them would cram themselves into your tiny office and have lunch with you. 

Yugyeom took it upon himself to buy himself choco shakes and buy you coffee, and visit you whenever he had any free time; no matter how much you told him he didn't need to spend every free moment he had with you. 

Where once your den used to be the practice rooms, now it was Youngjae’s new apartment. It was close to the JYP building and Coco was there; double the excuse for you all to drop by his apartment every now and then. 

You knew that Jaebum had gotten back together with his ex-girlfriend, having had a very close call of bumping into her when Yugyeom and Bambam had once come over to whine to you to take them out for dinner and you had all left the building together. She was just entering and you had successfully hidden behind Yugyeom while Bambam distracted and dropped her till the elevators. 

It wasn't like you hadn't expected it; you knew the day you walked out of that club that they would end up back together. They always got back together. Maybe it was fate or maybe it was bad decisions, but it happened every time so you tried to not let it faze you. It fazed you, more than you ever let on, but pretending that it didn’t until you believed it yourself was how you chose to deal with that situation. 

In the month that followed, apart from the brief moments of hope you found when you were with you’re the boys and Cat, the only relief you found in life was in the form of a dear friend of yours finally being back in the city after a long tour. 

Song Minho was exactly who you needed to take your mind off of everything that was happening. He insisted on catching up with you over lunch, and was currently on his way to pick you up and take you to Aori Ramen, where admittedly, you were hoping to catch a glimpse of Seungri.

After all, you would be crazy to not be a fan of Big Bang.

Minho was a shameless flirt and in the best way possible. He flirted not because he wanted to get in your pants but because he knew his cheesy pick up lines made you laugh. You had picked up a bad habit from him in the form of making really bad puns. 

The bell rang just as you had put your bag together, and you found yourself really excited in to meet him after so long. You took the bag and quickly hurried to the door.

“Show Mino money!” you chirped. “How have you been?”

Mino laughed at you, shaking his head as he leaned in to hug you.

“When are you going to let me forget that awful pun?”

“Never” you said, hugging him back.

Minho was so familiar, in all the good ways too. You had known him the longest out of the whole lot of people you knew in the industry. You had bumped into him in your first year of college, before Winner had debuted, even before Team A was a thing. Initially you didn’t think that after his debut you would able to stay in touch with him, but Minho had turned up on your doorstep one night, takeout and a couple of soju bottles in hand, tired of the pressure he was under. You knew after that night that fame wasn’t getting in the way of this friendship.

“Okay let’s go I’m dying for lunch” he hurried you, handing you the keys from the hook they were hanging on near the door.

You quickly put on your shoes, and locked your door. You were probably starving just as bad as him, which was saying something.

Once you were both seated and had finished ordering food, Minho showed you pictures of Johnny and told how she had been bossing around the rest of the pets at the dorm. You missed Johnny so much, and he made you promise you would come visit everyone soon. You were glad to agree that whenever they had time next time around, you would drop by.

The food came and you both initially got busy trying to stuff your face with as much as food as possible. The conversations could always wait till later; food was a very important aspect of your lives. On your way back, you both stopped by to get your favorite mint chocolate ice-creams from a place near your apartment which you ate sitting in car while you told him about Jaebum.

He knew about everything that was between you and Jaebum from the beginning, and had once even called you out on the feelings you had been secretly harboring for Jaebum. Minho was a no-bullshit friend and on most days you appreciated that. Today, however, he was just a little disappointed; at the situation and at the man who put you in it. He could tell that your mood had turned just a little sour at the recollection, and he knew exactly how to fix it.

“Hey, I have a question for you” Minho said, a cheeky smile evident on his face. You knew nothing good came out of that smile, ever.

“How do you make antifreeze?”

You stared blankly at him, “How?”

“Steal her blanket”

“Oh my god, Song Minho, I am disowning you” you said, a smile creeping its way onto your face regardless of how lame the pun was.

“Oh please, you love it” he teased you, quickly stealing a little ice cream from you, having already finished his own.

You tried to turn away from him to save your ice cream but he held your hand as he scooped a little onto his spoon.

“Ah, let go, get yourself another one man”

“Nuh-huh” he mumbled, eating the ice cream he stole from you while you scowled at him. “Stealing from you is so much better, look at how annoyed you get”

You rolled your eyes at him, “Just take me home, Myno”

It was his turn to roll his eyes at your usage of his “rapper” name as he called it.

Once in front of your apartment, you collected your bag from the back seat and Minho got out of the car to drop you off till your door.

“Oh hey wait I have another question for you” he said as you both made your way to the front door of your building.

You stopped before buzzing in, turning around to look at him and asked, “What is it this time?”

“Do you have a map?”

You narrowed your eyes at him, “Why? Don’t you have GPS?

“No, because I just keep getting lost in your eyes and my GPS doesn’t know how to navigate that”

“Yuck!” you exclaimed, laughing at his cheesy pick up line. “Do you ever run out of these? Yuuuck”

He laughed with you, “Never”

You hugged him and he lifted you up, giving you a little swirl as he reminded you of your promise

“Come meet all of us soon, okay? Everyone misses you”

“I promise” you said, laughing as he put you down, trying to steady yourself.

With one last peck to your cheek, Minho made his way back to his car and you buzzed yourself in. You went inside, turning back one last time to wave goodbye to Minho.

He waved back at you, and just as Minho drove away you saw a familiar figure standing next to a car on the other side of the road.

Your heart picked up its pace at once, Jaebum was staring right at you. And you were staring right back. He didn’t look too pleased, and if you were honest you didn’t even want to believe he was here for you. You wanted to believe he was here for some other purpose, for someone else, for anyone else; as unlikely as the chances of that hope being true was.

You tried your best to steady yourself as you closed the front door as calmly as you could manage to do, hoping that he wouldn’t see right through your panic even from that far away.

As soon as the gate bolted shut, you sprinted for your apartment, hoping Im Jaebum standing across the road from your apartment was just a figment of your imagination.

[josiesjournal]

01/05/2020 - 22:58

The start of 2020 has been both eventful and painful thus far for many different reasons, but if anything, I know it’s the universe showing me that good things are coming.

New Year’s Eve itself was amazing to say the least. Keelan and I spent most of the night at his parents’ house playing card games, until about 11:45 - you could kinda tell from the look on everyone’s faces that it was well past bedtime, but me, wanting to bring out my inner party animal because it’s all I’ve known how to do the past couple New Years, I decided to take one of my marijuana gummies just before we were leaving; I had this epiphany right before we got in the car and I whispered in Keelan’s ear ‘I want to go for a drive with you.’

He was willing, but curious. ‘Okay, where do you want to go?’

‘The clock tower.’

At this point in time, the drugs have fully taken over and I’m high as a kite, but Keelan listens to me and drives downtown to park in front of the clock tower. As we’re getting out of the car, the clock is playing a tune before it strikes midnight, but not it’s normal song that you would hear throughout the day - I’m not sure if it was playing the song to welcome the new year or the new decade, but with the snow blowing around us as I stared up at the clock tower, it was one of the most magical experiences I’ve ever had, and the most magical New Year’s kiss for sure too.

A few days later, I’m at work and I’m doing a renewal for a client’s policy. I recognize the name and remember that this guy’s wife has a Mini Cooper - didn’t think anything of it at first until I realized that the Mini’s plates had been cancelled, with new plates on a 2019 Volkswagen. At this point in time, I’m too excited to handle anything, and had to wait until I was done my full time job and part time job on top of that in order to take a drive by this Mini. On my local Volkswagen dealership’s ad, it mentions that it’s red (even though they have basic google search pictures of a dark blue one) and an automatic, which really got me down at first but hey, it’s a Mini. I have to do a drive by anyways, why not? I find this car in the far corner of VW’s second lot, and I’m mystified by this thing as I’m getting out of my car. 2016 Mini Cooper with a white panoramic roof, and.. what’s this? 6 speed manual? At this point in time, I’m convinced that I have to at least test drive this thing - I don’t necessarily have to buy it, but I have to drive it. Why not take it for a few donuts in a parking lot in the snow, just to see how it handles in the winter?

The next day (Friday) I call VW and book the test drive for this car for about noon on Saturday, without telling them I had plans to take it home for the weekend to show Keelan, considering he’s never seen a Mini up close before, let alone been in a Mini at all. Saturday sounds great - it’s my day off and I don’t have anything else planned other than laundry and gym, both of which can wait. Mini tales full priority right now.

But when your manager at your part time job calls you on Saturday and offers an extra 7 hour shift that would cut in on your Mini test drive - can you really say no? I agree to work the shift and call VW to cancel my test drive, guy agrees with me says we’ll see how next Friday looks, provided the Mini is still there. I get to work, and I had woken up with pain in my back earlier in the morning, which was concerning to me since I already had a bladder infection - untreated and not officially diagnosed, but after some quick internet research, I was at least 98% sure. As I work my shift, the pain in my back starts radiating up to the front left side of my abdomen and is practically unbearable at the point where my second coworker shows up, and my managers offers to let me go home as soon as she’s had her lunch break. I’m a little reluctant, as I hate to be a pain in her ass by doing that, and I’d also hate to miss out on making extra money, but I caved pretty easily and agreed to go home.

As I’m leaving the mall with a new bottle of Advil and some snacks for me to have at home, a truck with some familiar decals catches my eye as I’m leaving, and wouldn’t you know it, it’s a CP truck. Mild war flashbacks, but I’ve already convinced myself it isn’t him. So I’m walking alongside this truck on the sidewalk, it stops to let people cross and I decide to cross safely behind the truck to get to my own car. The truck goes to the lot over from mine, and as I’m struggling to get in my car with how stupid the remote start is for locking me out then shutting my vehicle off as soon as I open the door, I decide to just take a glance. Just a glance. It’ll be fine.

Welp, wouldn’t you know it folks, it was not fine.

It’s him.

I immediately look away and start fumbling with my keys, desperate to get in my car at this point in time. I’m so ready to get out of this parking lot. I manage to get into my car just as he parks the truck, and as he’s walking across the other parking lot, I’m backing out of my parking space and I’m fucking gone. I stop in a different parking lot briefly to dial Megan’s number, but I’m shaking so bad that I can hardly type it out. For that being the first time I had actually seen my ex since we broke up, I felt.. angry. Even just looking at the man was frustrating and left this feeling in my chest that I couldn’t even describe. I thought about what our interaction would’ve been like if he had seen me working in the mall, at the place where he usually gets his t-shirts, and I was so thankful to have dodged that bullet.

So I have Megan on the phone at this point, because who else do you call when you have all these thoughts running through your head after seeing your ex for the first time since your breakup in July? I take her on wonderful adventures with me to my own house to pack clothes so that I can spend the night at Keelan’s, and I take her on my drive all the way to Kimberley. Our conversation ended once I got there, and my pain had subsided since leaving my part time job, but now that I was at Keelan’s house, my pain was a 100x worse. Keelan came home from work not even 5 minutes after I had gotten there, and I had been keeping him up to date on the whole situation so once he got there and saw me writhing and crying on the couch in pain, he convinced me it was time to go to the hospital. Gave me two extra strength tylonel and popped me in the car to go to town.

As we’re driving there, my pain starts to subside again. We go sit down to eat, since my pain is practically non-existent at this point, and end up going to Home Depot to look at bath faucets, which we had been talking about for a while now. All of that and my pain still wasn’t evident, so we went back to my place for a bit, because I knew that the pain would come back eventually, and when it did, I’d be ready and willing to go to the hospital at that point. We ended up having a nap that was maybe only 30mins long, and I wake up to the same pain, plus nausea on top of it now. Off to the hospital we go.

As I’m standing in the ER line waiting to be seen, I can hardly stand and I’m ready to puke. Keelan’s there being the strong supportive pillar he is, and for actually having someone here for the first time for my 4th hospital trip in 5 months, I’m so happy he’s here. Within 10mins, the nurse brings me in and writes down everything I’ve been feeling and experiencing, then sends me away to collect my own urine sample, which I knew they were going to do at some point, but despite that, I had just emptied my bladder before we had left the house. Side note - do you know how hard it is to pee when it hurts every single time, and when you’re fighting back the urge to vomit, on top of more pain?

I bring back the urine sample and get registered at the front desk, wrist tag and all. Keelan and I sit down in the waiting room, which is the busiest I’ve seen it in my last couple trips. Give it maybe an hour or two and my name is called to go into the ER, and within 15 minutes of sitting down on a hospital bed, there’s a doctor in my room explaining how he’s going to write me a prescription for antibiotics for my bladder infection, which is all fine and dandy, but he mentions nothing of the pain I’m feeling. Maybe the nurse hadn’t noted it, which is understandable, but it’s also the whole reason why I’m here, so I pipe up and say something and he tries telling me that my pain is the pain associated with my bladder infection, which I know is very evidently not. He then tells me it’s probably some unrelated constipation and writes me a second prespcrition for laxatives. Great. I leave the ER to go to the pharmacy in the hospital, and wouldn’t you know it, it’s nearly 10pm, so this pharmacy, along with every single one in the city, is closed, which means I get to suffer through my pain for a solid 12 more hours. Double great. We go home to Kimberley and go to bed relatively late, but I’m up at least three times throughout the night, tossing and turning with this pain, trying to find a comfortable position to sleep in, which is nearly impossible at this point. I’ve got Keelan awake by 8:30am, which is when I’m ready to go get my prescriptions, but quickly found out that the only pharmacy in Kimberley is closed until 11am, so back into Cranbrook we go. I pick up my prescriptions, and the liquid inside the bottle, which is apparently my laxative, is daunting, but once I get home and actually take it, it tastes surprisingly good. I’m thinking ‘okay, this should hit me in about two or three hours and then I’ll be good to go’ but little do I know, laxative takes at least 48 hours to actually starting working. Triple great.

Best news of the day was that I got a couple of snuggles in with Mew during nap time; something about female cats with females, I swear she always knows when I’m feeling down.

Bottom line, there’s been some shitty starts to 2020 for sure (no pun intended..) but there’s always potential for things to start looking up, and lately, I’ve had Keelan to thank for his amazing positive attitude keeping me afloat. The man’s willingness to take care of me was like nothing I’ve ever seen in a partner before and I don’t know how to express how thankful I am for him and everything he does, despite telling him over and over and over and over the past couple days. Every day I find something new about Keelan that makes me fall in love with him a little bit more, and despite feeling like I know him like the back of my hand, he always has something else up his sleeve to surprise me with.

So here’s to you, my love, and our fresh start to 2020. I truly wouldn’t want anyone else by my side to start the new year and the new decade with.

[chelsea9five]

introduction.

I was recently diagnosed with diabetes. There are still a lot of unknowns. We don’t know what type, late onset type 1, or type 2. We don’t know the cause. My liver could have a condition that caused it. I have more tests coming up in the next week to get some answers. I’m starting this blog because I’m terrified. I have a lot of thoughts and concerns and feelings about being diagnosed as a diabetic, so I decided to write them down and get them in front of me so I can make peace with what’s going on in my body. I don’t expect many, if any people to read this (besides my boyfriend lol, hi Liam love you <3), but I want to start with a summary of my life up until this point. 

Born September 5th 1994, I turn 24 in less than a week. I’ve always been overweight. My memories of my doctor’s appointments always revolve around the doctor saying I needed to lose weight. Through 8th grade, I played soccer and softball. I played basketball for a few years as well, but gave that up early. I hated running suicides (and running in general). I was a goalie and defender in soccer. Those positions didn’t involve as much running as a forward or midfielder. Entering high school, the rumor was that you had to run a sub-8 minute mile to make the varsity soccer team. NO THANKS. I gave up soccer after my 8th grade season for that reason alone (kind of a running theme, pun intended).  I continued to play softball through high school. The team was not the best. When you have t-shirts that say “Winning isn’t everything”, that’s a definite hint that you won’t be winning any state titles anytime soon. Given the nature of the softball program, it’s safe to say that I was safe from a vigorous workout in practices. These sports were the extent of my working out in my childhood. I never did physical activity outside of practices & games. I also was really lazy and would come up with excuses to get out of things I didn’t want to do in practices like long runs. I convinced myself that I was an athlete and I was burning all of these calories so I could eat anything I wanted. And, boy, did I eat. I would always have a huge snack/meal right after school & I would sneak food whenever I could. I never ate healthy snacks though. We would have junk food in the house and that would be my go-to. So not only was I eating a lot, I was eating junk, and I was barely working out to counter the empty calories I ate.

I always wanted to play softball in college. I didn’t know the recruitment process, and my high school coach told me that I wasn’t good enough to play in college, so by the time I graduated, I had no plans for continuing to play. Eventually, the spring/summer before I went away to college, I got in touch with the coach at the college I planned on attending. I ended up trying out as a walk-on. There weren’t a lot of girls vying for spots on the team, so I wound up on the roster. Little did I know that playing in college included strength & conditioning sessions outside of practices. At this point, I had never been in a gym, let alone lifted weights. My first workout started with being chewed out by the s&c coach for not doing the summer workout, that I had no idea existed. Then, I blacked out attempting planks on a bench with a yoga ball. I was chewed out again for not properly nourishing my body. Todd, the s&c coach, asked what I had for breakfast. I said a pop tart. I had just bought a huge pack of pop tarts from Walmart & I was excited because they were a quick, tasty breakfast that I got for relatively cheap. Todd pretty much banned me from eating the pop tarts that I had just bought because they were just sugar & empty calories. What a change...

Fast forward two years, I was ending my sophomore year of college. I had lost some weight that I gained between my senior year of high school & freshman year of college. I was at a steady weight with no real change for a while. I hadn’t played on the field at all that past season. I had no desire to do the summer workout Todd sent us home with. I lost my motivation and my heart for the sport I loved growing up. I made the decision to not be on the team for my junior/senior year. 

Junior & senior year were a blur of working as many hours at my internship & overloading every semester to get as many credits as possible for when I decided to sit for the CPA exam. (I majored in accounting) I was always on the move and too often I would stop by fast food restaurants for a meal. I also spent a lot of time at the bar during the second semester of my senior year. I was back to never working out, and the pounds piled on. 

I graduated in 2016 with a Bachelor’s of Science in Accounting. 2 months later, I started at my first job as an accounting clerk. I started eating better (aka not eating as much junk and trying to avoid fast food), but I still didn’t work out regularly. Towards the end of my employment at this company, around November 2017, I started to lose weight at a rapid pace. I also was desperately thirsty all the time and I frequently had to pee. I was always tired. Hindsight is really 20/20 because looking back, I know that all of these issues were symptoms, but at the time I was justifying everything. “oh I have to pee a lot? well I’m drinking a lot of water so it’s healthy, I’m good. I’m so tired, must be my body adjusting to working full time. Losing weight? I’m just really stressed out so that’s why”. 

I ended up dropping ~30 lbs in 3 months. I have never lost weight like that before. Since I kept justifying it, I never wanted to go to a doctor to discuss it. I’ve lost another 5ish lbs since dropping the 30 lbs, but I haven’t had any of the other symptoms since last winter. I had googled my symptoms before and saw the word diabetes, but immediately denied it since I didn’t have the symptoms anymore. I convinced myself that it was probably a thyroid issue, but that I should see a doctor anyway. August 16th, I went in and had blood taken. A few days later, I received a call from a nurse with my results, possible diabetes. They wanted to do another blood test to double check. I had to go to a LabCorp and get more blood drawn. This past Wednesday, I had a follow-up with my doctor. She explained my test in more detail. It was either late onset type 1 or type 2, but we would need another blood test to know. I also had high levels of liver enzymes, so I needed my blood tested for that & an ultrasound to check out my liver. I go in for that next Wednesday, my 24th birthday... 

And that’s where I’m at today. There’s more to the story, but I’ll probably cover that in future posts. After the first blood test & phone call, I went to my parent’s house and sobbed to my mom. I’m still having a hard time verbalizing the diagnosis to people without crying. That’s why I’m doing this. I’m hoping that with the more I talk about it, eventually I’ll be able to make my peace with it.

My name is Chelsea, I am almost 24 years old, and I am a newly diagnosed diabetic.

[cutecats2017]

TIA for any advice, i'm so pissed off (pun intended) and upset at the idea of having to try to rehome my friend of almost 15 years but i am at my wits end.will give as much info as i can, i have been browsing this sub and /r/askvet (will likely crosspost there and any other sub you all would recommend) but so far not seeing anything i haven't already tried.Rita is a tortie point siamese who i've had since she was a kitten, come january she will be 15. she has never had any health issues, was fixed young (as early as i could i'm sure, i don't honestly recall) is not declawed. save for a very brief stint when she was about a year or two old when i cat sat for my mom for a month or two, she has ALWAYS been the single cat and single pet in the house. we fostered a dog about 8 years ago who was only here a month or so, but even then she didn't urinate or anything outside of the litter box. she is an indoor cat (though will bolt to try to go exploring from time to time, never gets much past the porch) and has transitioned to new homes easily 4 times, we have been in our current home 9 years.our home is a two-story, though the upstairs has always been off limits to her due to it being where our bedroom is (my husband is allergic and our compromise to her staying from the beginning was that our room would be cat free, is has been this way since we have been living together (about 14 years) so this is nothing new. her litter box is in the basement as has been in the same spot since we moved in. otherwise she had run of the main floor which consisted of an office/den and a spare room. she lost access to the office when my son became mobile as he was not allowed in there so the door started being closed, though there wasn't much in there for her to do or places to sleep.when my first son was born almost 3 years ago, not much changed in her immediate area, until we changed the spare room into the play room, which included a futon. she came to like using the futon to hide/sleep in the back area where my toddler couldn't reach or see if she was there. this is where i think the issue really began. with my first, all the real changes happened upstairs, where she wasn't allowed anyway.when we found out we were expecting our second earlier this year, bigger changes were needed. the playroom moved to the office/den, which was a smaller room and could not accommodate the futon. so we got rid of it. then the playroom became our room and our room upstairs became #2's room. so this room is now off limits and we keep the door closed. she WAS still allowed in the playroom, until she starting peeing on the rug.previous to peeing in the playroom, but after the move, she peed in our bathroom on the mat more than once. it was then that i started to consider what could cause it. as she is getting up in age, i thought maybe she was having a hard time or pain getting under the gate we have at the top of the basement stairs to keep our toddler from a tumble, and i had also gotten a different litter around the same time. started keeping the gate open when we could and got the same litter again, but she then peed in the playroom.admittedly her litter was not cleaned as frequently especially while i was pregnant and my husband took over the duty (NOT his favorite) but in the past if the litter was too dirty she would just pee or poop right outside of the box.i figured the playroom pee could be a few different things. first, i figured protest, due to her futon being gone and her hiding place lost. second, upset about my son taking space/sensing the new baby coming. third, a physical issue. one occasion i mistakenly left our bedroom door open and caught her perched atop my pillow and promptly kicked her out, not 5 minutes later she peed on the playroom rug again. always in the same spot. this incident solidified my suspicion that this behavior is a protest and not something physical.we had the rug professionally cleaned (which cost almost as much as the rug itself did) to ensure that the scent was gone as i know that if it lingers it's like an invitation for her to do it again.and then she did it again. at this point my husband is pretty insistent that she needs to go, as our second had arrived and with where she's doing this we didn't want to not catch it some time and have my toddler rolling around in cat pee on his playroom rug.i finally decide to take her to the vet, just to rule out the possibility of something physical. she has not been out of the house in a carrier in over 8 years, nor to the vet (was never a need) but went over alright. they had to take a urine sample, the vet called a few days later to say that she did have elevated protein in her urine that could indicate a UTI and prescribed antibiotics which she is less than thrilled to be taking. we're about 5 days into the antibiotics, and i discover that she peed on our couch, on a pillow my husband was sleeping on and one of the baby's burp cloths.this was the absolute last straw. i was prepared to take her directly to my mom's but when i called her she tells me she's battling a flea problem at the moment. so definitely not dropping her into that. and i have no one else that can take her.i am desperate, i don't know how to stop her from doing this, but i can't handle a newborn and a toddler and cleaning up cat pee. but she is also my friend, my oldest child, my fur baby, i'm so torn and depressed, i'm open to try anything.we have gotten Nature's Miracle to help clean, have not returned the rug to the playroom yet so i don't know if that worked, but did also use it on the couch cushion best i could and hoping she does not go again on the couch, tempted to contain her in the kitchen during the night just in case, but i really don't want to make her even madder.the only thing i haven't tried yet is trying to create another hidey hole like she had with the futon, we have an end table between our two couches and i considered putting a bed underneath. it's hidden enough that the toddler can't get to it or see it, and she can access it from behind the couch. will be trying that as soon as i can, the area needs to be cleaned up a bit.thank you for reading if you made it this far. and thank you for any advice. if you have any questions i can answer that can help with any suggestion you'd like to make i'll respond asap.thanks again.edit: TL;DR 14 year old cat urinating in kid's playroom, most recently on the couch, seeking suggestions before resorting to rehoming. via /r/cats