#i already made her like 4 months ago but it was so ugly

[coyotesim]

ghoulia yelps !

[auspicioustidings]

Flinch

Summary: You thought you would die trying the day you tried to escape your abusive husband, but destiny has other plans. Words: 5.2k TWs: domestic abuse, rape

(I read this book months ago, forgot all about it and today it burrowed into my head again and I assume caused this so if you wanna read a good version of this concept I'd recommend it!)

You would die trying today. You had to. 

The 20 week scan had been yesterday and while your husband was away on a work trip he would return this evening. You knew your bodyguard had already told him that the baby inside you was a girl. He did not want a girl. You shook at the memory of when he left 3 days ago.

He had taken you on your hands and knees, no less cruel in how he did it than before you were pregnant, and told you about how his son would be his legacy. His hot, wet breath had been in your ear as he spilled inside of you. You’d better give me a son, wife. If you misbehave and grow a female I’ll need to fuck myself into your womb to get rid of the little slut and try again.

The baby had saved you the most severe beatings the last 4 months, but your husband found other ways to torture you. You could barely even look at your guard anymore knowing that he had been witness to the week your husband had made you spend in an open room penned in by glass. It had been a luxurious prison cell where everybody could see your every move, the bathroom facilities not hidden from view at all and your body on full display. He said it was so they could make sure you were healthy and happy during your pregnancy and then he had fucked your arse in front of his men and smacked you hard across the cheek when he was finished for being such a cry baby. 

He would certainly beat you black and blue for failing to bear him a son. But you didn’t really care about that, you had agreed to be his wife 6 years ago when you were 17 and thought he had hung the stars. But this baby who at first you had hated you had come to love. He would kill her. He would kill any of her sisters after her. You could take any punishment he gave you, maybe you’d get lucky and he’d finally kill you, but your daughter deserved a chance to live. 

So you would do something you had not done since your 3rd attempt 5 years ago had ended with broken ribs, a broken nose and a concussion that had made you dizzy and sick for months after. You were going to try and leave. 

It would be difficult. Your guard was loyal to your husband and never flinched at his treatment of you, so you did not expect help from him. Your left leg hadn’t quite healed right after it had been hurt a few weeks ago during a particularly rough fulfilment of your marital duties so you couldn’t put weight on it very well. 

Plus you knew you were ugly now. Your eyes had sunken in and were smudged underneath with purple from too many sleepless nights. One side of your face was mottled with bruises. The rest of your body was too thin but for your protruding stomach and covered in marks. You remembered your father yelling at you about beauty being the only thing women were worth when you were a child. Your parents had been happy when you got engaged to such a wealthy man and you had not heard from them since the day they handed you over. You had been pretty then. You wondered how disgusted your father would be with how you looked now. He certainly wouldn’t help you in such a state.

There wasn’t much time. Your guard was stuck to your side but for one hour in the afternoon where you were expected to thoroughly clean yourself and prepare yourself for your husband's return. The rules of that never changed regardless of your condition. You would spend the hour making yourself perfect, your holes clean and ready, your skin soft and fragrant, your hair braided how he liked it and a thin nightgown perfectly draping on your body. If he found fault with you then you could expect a great deal of pain before he brought in his men to redo the whole process. It was not pleasant when they did it. 

The fear made your mouth dry. Not only would you be punished for trying to escape, but you would be found lacking in your appearance and preparation and that would carry its own punishment. You could not do this.

A kick from your daughter argued that you could and it spurred you into action. This was it, your last chance to save her. 

–

“I’m gaggin’ for a pint.”

Ghost snorted a laugh.

“You’re always gagging for something Johnny” he quipped, Gaz elbowing Soap teasingly while Price just rolled his eyes from behind the wheel.

“You’ll behave back there. This truck has a no gagging on anything rule in place. Bunch of bloody moppets” he barked.

The Captain was mostly just glad to be heading back home. Some therapist would have a field day with him considering home to be a small off-the-record safe house on the edges of a tiny fishing village, but then he was sure they would quit long before he had gotten to that part with the amount of shite he had been through. 

His team had their own flats dotted around the UK, but they seemed to prefer to spend most of their down time together in the safe house. Maybe one day they would all admit that the safe house was just their actual house now, but it was unlikely to be anytime soon. It was still spartan after all, looking drab from the outside and as regimented and dull as any other military base on the inside. Not really homey. Garrick had sincerely attempted to start a little vegetable garden last year but it had been a resounding failure, meaning the little cottage was surrounded by weeds that choked the path. At this point the locals probably thought it was haunted. 

It was still a long way off. Two more hours to base where they could switch out the army issued truck for his own modern and well kept pick up and MacTavish’s frankly ridiculous little hatchback that should really not be able to handle the country roads leading to the safe house but was somehow still kicking. He swore he was some sort of car witch.

“Don’t worry Captain, I’m too classy to have a gag reflex!” Gaz shouted over to him with Soap snickering in the background.

“That right? Lieutenant.”

Price laughed at the carnage happening in the back of the truck as Ghost pounced on Gaz and tried to shove fingers down his throat to get him to gag while Soap took Gaz’s side as he almost always did when it came to a fight with Ghost and tried to fight him off. The rough housing in the back at least kept them occupied for a little bit while Price lit up a cigar.

He wasn’t paying as much attention to the road as he ought to, but then this stretch of road was almost always empty. They were more or less in the middle of nowhere, the nearest civilisation being some fancy gated community out past the right side of the forest this road cut through. 

Only 5 hours to go now and at least 3 of those would be done in his much more comfortable truck with climate control and not this tin can. 

Ghost chuckled as Johnny grabbed at Gaz’s top, trying to pull him back into the truck as Ghost was shoving him out. Poor Gaz’s top half was dangling precariously out the back and he could barely breathe through the wheezing laughter. Ghost was someone with fast instincts, so he felt Gaz tense and was immediately on guard even before the man yelled out and started scrambling to launch himself out of the back of the truck and onto the road before Price had a chance to properly stop the thing. 

“Stop the truck!”

“Bloody hell, Garrick get your arse back in here!” Price yelled and cursed as he brought the truck to a stop a little ahead of where Gaz had jumped out.

Ghost had a hand locked around Soap’s nape, the Lieutenant knowing if he didn’t keep the man grounded he would be out of this truck and by Gaz’s side without even stopping to check for danger. Price trusted him enough that he stayed put, watching the two of them who were watching out the back to see what Garrick did.

–

There was a man on the road. You were so sore and so tired, your adrenaline nearly exhausted. You had gotten so close, the road was right there. But he was one of your husband's you thought. Not one you recognised, but the casual clothes with military gear was just like your guards. 

The choice now was how hard to fight. It hardly felt like you could fight anymore, but somewhere in the woods you had made the decision that you were not going back. Better you die with your daughter than allow her to die alone. You hoped this man was ruthless and efficient about it, that he made this quick. You had to make sure he killed you. You were not going back. 

“Hey, it’s ok, I’m not going to hurt you. My name’s Kyle and I can help. Are you hurt?”

He sounded painfully kind and that felt unfair. It had been so long since you had been afforded kindness, why now? Maybe this was your last meal. 

“I- I won’t go back” you said, screwing up your courage and trying to stand as straight and strong as you could with the exhaustion and pain blanketing your body. 

The man slowly moved one hand to take off his cap while the other was stretched open in front of him. He was showing you he wasn’t armed you thought as his cap was put on the ground and he raised his other hand to show it was also empty and crouched a little lower than his full height. 

“Ok, I’m not going to make you go back anywhere. I just want to help” he said, gentle.

Throughout the years you had learned not to trust. When you were 10 and your mother had promised you a birthday party but then spent the money on a night out to the pub for her and your father instead. When you got your first period and you asked your father what you should do but he just smacked you for telling him something so disgusting. When your husband promised he would be gentle on your wedding night and it wouldn’t hurt, but he broke both promises. When a maid promised to help you escape but instead told your guard your plan. Your husband had fucked her in front of you while you were laying unable to move from the beating. You had never seen him be so gentle.

You so wanted to trust someone and not have it backfire. Just once. Just enough to give you some hope that your daughter could have a good life with people who would look out for her. But when he shuffled a little closer you flinched and stepped back. It was too hard to try and trust him. 

The movement put you more in the dappled early evening sunlight. It would be dark soon. 

– 

Kyle fought to keep himself relaxed even when the light revealed what he had missed before. The scared woman in front of him was pregnant. Couldn’t have been very far along with how small she was. Her face was a mess of bruises. He wanted to hunt down whatever useless piece of shit had done this to her. 

But he had to stay calm for her sake. He couldn’t start demanding information when he hadn't even managed to get close enough to examine her. He needed to get her far away from the danger first, get her medical attention and then get justice once she was happy and healthy and safe. 

It also needed to be quick. This was a woman who was running, so it stood to reason there was somebody chasing. But how did he convince her to get into a truck with a bunch of armed strangers?

She startled, looking like she had seen… ah fuck, Ghost had hopped out of the truck and walked over.

“You know how to use a gun?” he asked her, almost casual despite the grit behind it.

She shook her head and her eyes widened as Ghost lifted his sidearm into his hands. Kyle thought perhaps his Lieutenant had lost his damn mind when he started calmly explaining the basics of the gun before stepping forward, putting it on the ground and stepping back again.

“Sergeant, back up” he ordered and Kyle reluctantly took a few steps back. “You need help and we can give it. You pick up that gun, get in the truck and if any of us touches you without your permission you point and shoot. We’re about two hours out from a military base, there’s a doctor there who can check you over, make sure the baby is ok.”

Maybe Ghost was a genius or maybe he was a maniac, but then it wasn’t the first time he had flirted with that line. Kyle watched the woman hesitantly move forward. She reminded him of a little mouse approaching a piece of cheese. When she got close enough she darted suddenly and grabbed the gun, holding it up to them. Her arms were shaking.

He was used to the sounds of a bullet firing by now, but he still felt himself jump when she fired out into the woods on the other side of them.

“Y-you actually gave me a loaded gun?” she said breathlessly, seeming almost outraged that Ghost would truly do such a thing. Kyle sympathised.

“You feel better?” Ghost answered, nodding his head to the truck where Soap was watching with rapt attention. 

“...yes” the woman said before walking (although he noted it was more limping) over to the truck and letting Ghost help her in only after trying herself and realising she wouldn’t be able to hop up and keep ahold of the gun at the same time. 

–

The man in the skull mask didn’t ask any questions and he seemed entirely nonplussed about the gun pointed at him as the eerily silent truck took off. The other two in the back seemed nervous and the man driving hadn’t interacted with you at all, instead keeping his attention on the road. 

Skull mask made a call and his voice sounded like a shout with how quiet it was.

“I need you at Stirling Lines in 2 hours… yeah, needs to be you for this… send me the standard form and I’ll get the answers over to you… she doesn’t need delicate from me, she needs help… thanks for this, see you then.”

The one that shared a bench on your side with the mohawk looked increasingly alarmed at the conversation. 

“LT…” he started, some worried warning in his tone. 

The LT ignored him, looked at his phone and then looked up to you after seemingly finding what he was looking for. 

“Name, gender and birth date?”

“I… what?”

“Jesus Christ LT!”

“I need to get information for the nurse I have meeting us at base” the LT said, ignoring the mohawk man’s outrage and staring at you with those unsettling eyes sunken behind the mask. “The questions are going to be invasive. The exam is going to be worse and it’s going to take hours.”

“That’s enough Lieutenant” the man driving hissed, only to be equally as ignored as the Lieutenant's eyes stayed on you.

“Get through it. Get through it to spite the bastard.”

You felt a flutter of panic try to take hold. Your adrenaline was gone so it was hard to even feel that, but he thought… they all thought you had been raped. 

“It’s not… I’m married” you said by way of explanation. 

The atmosphere was tense, but after you said that there was a distinct feeling of sadness coming from mohawk and Kyle, a feeling of pity. The skull mask had no such pity emanating from him. 

“He told you that because you’re married you couldn’t say no. Reinforced that. It’s brainwashing and you can break that. It wasn’t marriage they used as a reason for me, but they tried to brainwash me to think I consented to it just the same. I didn’t and neither did you. Spite the bastard.”

Nobody else spoke for the next 2 hours but you and the man in the skullmask. He asked questions and you answered them. At the start you took time to answer, hesitant from the humiliation coursing through you and making you feel sick. An hour in and you had no emotions left to give, only cold answers that floated through the truck and hung in the air like the twisted body of the saviour had hung on your bedroom wall, watching and judging. 

By the time the truck was pulling through to a base you felt rinsed of everything, numb. The only shred of warmth came from the hand holding yours and you could not remember exactly when the man with the mohawk had put it there. 

–

“Simon…”

“It’s not like you hadn’t read my file sir.”

Price had read his file. He knew what Roba had done to this man. It didn’t make it any less jarring to hear his Lieutenant say it out loud in the back of a damn truck with a strange beaten woman and his two Sergeants who until now had no real idea of his past.

“You solid?” he asked, not wanting to push him to talk about anything he didn’t want to. 

“I’m angry.”

He knew that from Simon’s record too. It had taken a while for him to be cleared after Roba because he was so angry all the time, his aggression too volatile for even the military. This whole situation was bringing up old wounds in his Lieutenant and he was lost with what to do about it. 

“Lieutenant Riley” came a call from the nurse finally leaving the exam room. She had an American accent, Southern. He suspected she was probably the one who saw Simon after Roba considering that had been in Texas.

“Appreciate you coming on short notice” Simon replied with a nod of thanks. 

“Consider it payback for getting me my visa. No point in mincing words, it’s bad.”

“Consider it a matter of national security” Price said.

Technically he shouldn’t be told anything about the state of the woman in that exam room without her consent, but then it would not be the first time he got around GDPR citing national security. The nurse was clearly versed in how the military worked and handed over the clipboard she was holding. Simon read along with him over his shoulder.

“Bleeding Christ. She’s 21 weeks?” he asked, shocked.

“Long term malnutrition. She wasn’t given any control over her food. They gave her enough to keep her alive, but nowhere near healthy.”

“This…” Simon started, looking at the results from the x-rays.

“Consistent with prolonged torture. Some of the breaks never healed right. She’s still healing from a fracture and some ligament tearing in the left leg, a few broken ribs and a crack in her orbital bone. She said he had been more careful with her since finding out she was pregnant.”

Price swore loudly. He saw plenty of civilian casualties. He had caused the deaths of innocent people in the pursuit of saving other innocents. He was no stranger to evil. But this wasn’t a terrorist attack. It wasn’t a hostage in a facility. The woman was just an ordinary person who was being tortured for no large cause, not for the advancement of some twisted doctrine. She was being tortured for the crime of being a wife.

“Can you keep it off record?” 

He was a bit taken aback that Simon was asking that. Surely they wanted this on record? But then he followed that action to its conclusion. They found her near a community that very rich people lived in, it followed that this husband had money to spare. They would know she was missing by now and they would know the radius of where she could have reached by car or train. 

The second she was admitted to a hospital as a malnourished and beaten pregnant woman she would go missing. He wouldn’t trust the police as far as he could throw them to protect a domestic abuse victim when the perpetrator was rich and powerful enough to track her down and pay them off. The military wasn’t any better. Hell he knew of monsters in his own department who would insist on taking her for a spin before handing her over. 

“I’ll talk with her” he said, Simon giving him a grateful nod. 

Somehow he needed to convince that woman that she was coming to the safehouse with them until they could deal with her husband along with every single one of his accomplices. They wouldn’t make it to prison.

–

You wanted so badly to sleep but the alarm in your head wouldn’t let you. You couldn’t possibly be safe. You were never safe. 

The nurse had been kind in her examination. She said this was specifically what she was trained for, that you were not alone. Others had been through this and survived. Others had went on to have brilliant and bright lives while their attackers had turned into insignificant, small creatures in their memories. You still found it hard to think of your husband as your attacker. All you had known growing up was that the man of the household owned the women in it and it was his prerogative how he handled them.

You hadn’t been allowed to shower first even though you wanted to. It was strange to think that it was deemed lucky that you weren’t permitted to shower outside of your hour preparation time and that you hadn’t been given that hour since your husband had last used you for his pleasure. He knew you desperately hated having to lay with his spend inside of you. You had begged your guard to let you clean up properly before getting your ultrasound, but he had only smiled as he said no. Of course he had. He was well versed in experiencing your humiliation and your husband was well versed in creating situations for him to do so. 

It was painful when she had examined you internally. She told you that it shouldn’t be, that you associated penetration with pain now so your body was seizing up making the speculum feel much worse than it normally would. She apologised, said that was something that wouldn’t happen forever once you got healthier and knew you were safe. You could hardly believe it when she told you sex wasn’t supposed to hurt for women.

You hadn’t thought you were capable of it after today, but you still cried when she did the ultrasound. There she was, still alive and well. You wanted to tell her it would be ok now, that you had done it, you had gotten away and she would be safe. But it didn’t seem real.

The exam had taken such a long time. Your clothes had been taken from you and the thin gown did nothing to make you feel less exposed. She wanted to take the bank notes stuffed into your pocket as well, promising that they would be replaced, but you had begged to keep them and she had let you. The MRI wasn’t mentioned when the nurse had first explained everything, but part way through she had asked if it would be ok for one to be taken. She made sure that you didn’t have to interact with anyone else but her which calmed you a little. 

Now you were alone. She told you that she would let you gather your thoughts and then a shower and clothes could be organised.

You needed to figure out your next move. £410 wasn’t a lot of money, but it would have to be enough to get your daughter somewhere safe. You could work. Your last job had been as a waitress when you were a teenager, but you were good at cooking and cleaning and willing to learn just about anything so you were determined you would find something. You didn’t have much choice. 

There was a knock at the door and you told them to come in. Your voice sounded awful, scratchy and hoarse. 

It was not the nurse. 

The man from the front of the car didn’t look at you unkindly, but it did not stop you from flinching as he stepped towards you. You wished you hadn’t let Kyle take the gun from you when you arrived. 

He immediately stopped and showed his hands just like Kyle had on the road. 

“My name is Captain John Price, the men in the truck are my team. You’ve been brave today and I know it’s been hard. I can get you a shower and some hot food, how does that sound?”

You felt yourself shrivel and shrink. A shower with him. You hated being in a shower with your husband, he always forced you to your knees. Whenever he gave you a chance to breathe it was only under the high pressure spray of the water and it made you feel like you were suffocating. He liked that. 

Could you get on your knees for this man? If it was for your daughter, if it kept her safe, then yes. It wasn’t so bad was it? You had survived worse. It was just your mouth. 

You stood shakily and nodded, eyes fixed on the ground as you picked up the bank notes on the side table and held them tightly in your hand. 

“Where did that come from?”

“I…” you started, taking a moment to try and think of a lie before giving in to the mental exhaustion and just telling the truth. “I stole it from my guard’s wallet.”

“Atta girl.”

The praise made your ears feel hot. You had half expected to be arrested on the spot, but the man, Captain John Price, just started leading you out of the room and down the hall to the showers. 

“Soap, that’s the moppet with the mohawk from the truck, volunteered some of his things. He’s a bit of a peacock, so there should be everything you need. It’s a communal shower but I’ll stand guard at the door for you so nobody will come in. You can lock the door, but if I knock I need you to answer so I can confirm you’re ok. Towels are here, clothes here. We don’t have anything for maternity so we’ve guessed on what size will fit.”

You were taken aback. He wasn’t going to be in here with you. You didn’t need to service him. Your grip tightened around the cash in your hand before loosening as you looked at it. 

“Don’t even think about it. You don’t owe anyone here a damn thing. Go shower.”

With that he left. You locked the door and waited for 10 minutes to see if he would unlock it from the other side and come in. He only knocked once and when you responded that you were fine he was silent again. 

Satisfied that at least you didn’t think he would come in you stripped off and finally had a shower. The hair products and shower gel left by Soap (you thought that was a funny coincidence) smelled nice, like pine and maybe a hint of something sweet. Your husband only ever let you use things with a heavy smell of roses.

The nurse had asked what you meant by preparing yourself when you mentioned that you hadn’t done so and escaped instead. She told you that you didn’t need to do that here, but then there wasn’t any of the equipment you were used to anyway. It felt luxurious in a way, to clean yourself just for yourself. 

The next time Captain Price knocked and you confirmed that you were ok, he kept speaking with you. 

“I would like you to come with me and my team. We are heading to a safehouse a few hours from here and it’ll be the safest place for you to recover. You would have your own room with a lock on the door.”

You were glad nobody could see the way your face screwed up in some grotesque mixture of fear, confusion and, worst of all, hope. 

“I… have money. I can pay rent.”

“...ok.”

He sounded somewhat reluctant to accept that but you couldn’t not pay for this. You would constantly be waiting for one of them to collect in some other way if you didn’t give them cash. 

You touched your stomach, silently asking your daughter if it was ok to trust this man. She gave a kick. 

–

Johnny didn’t think he had ever seen anyone so fragile. She had fought it Price had said, but eventually their new housemate had fallen into an exhausted sleep in the passenger seat of his truck. 

When they arrived it had been him who bundled her in his arms and carried her to bed. God she was so small for someone who was supposed to be halfway through a pregnancy.

He had watched her since Gaz had jumped out of that truck. She had flinched then, she had flinched when Si got out of the truck, she had flinched when Price had went into the room (he probably shouldn’t have been hiding out in the hallway watching through the open door, but he just couldn’t stop himself). 

She hadn’t flinched at all when he threaded his fingers through hers in the truck. Her hand was so tiny. Too tiny, much like the rest of her.

He put her to bed in his room since the spare was a bit of a wreck and he bunked with Gaz. They could sort it all out tomorrow after he had gotten her a massive breakfast. He was shite at cooking anything but a greasy fry up but he wanted only the best for her, so he’d already fired off a message to the girl who owned the best cafe in town and asked for a priority breakfast delivery that he was going to be paying a fortune for since it was last minute and out of the ordinary. 

He didn’t know this woman, but he knew intrinsically that he would.

–

You dreamt sweet dreams. A cottage made cosy. Cooking whatever meals you wanted with ingredients you grew yourself in the garden outside. The gentle pleasure of careful hands and tongues, opening you up to a new world you never thought existed, one where your pleasure was first and foremost and the press of a body into yours didn’t hurt. The give beneath your fingers when you touched your own body, fat and soft rolls that reminded you of how safe you felt, how happy and healthy you were. 

And a little girl running towards a returning hero, being swept up and laughing delightedly about it. 

Best of all in that wonderful dream, you didn’t flinch once. 

[theweirdwideweb]

we want the work blowout deets

I'll give you the tea but it will be lengthy and I'm going to cry.

Thank you for asking anon. To be honest with you I've been crying in bed about it for the past couple hours. I stood up just now and went to the bathroom and saw two big wet patches on my smiley face tshirt and it sucks so much. I'm so sad.

I could really use some feedback on this situation to be honest. OK. So the long story short is that I got a new supervisor a year ago and my work life has been hell ever since. First off, she doesn't understand what I do. She's never done my job. And she is THE micromanager from hell. For the first 7 months of the year she had me turning in a time card every week showing everything I did down to 5 minute increments. I turn the spreadsheet in on Friday, then every Monday we'd have a meeting where she'd tell me she just doesn't understand how I use my time. Why did it take so long to do X amount of invoices? She estimates it should take 2 minutes per invoice, but it took me 4 minutes per invoice. Like I said she knows nothing about my job and as many times as I've explained it she still "doesn't get it." It was demoralizing, nerve wracking, and frankly so insulting to my competence that I went to her boss (my old supervisor who I love). When she did nothing I went to HR with serious concerns about discrimination----it's no coincidence that I was granted some medical leave at the beginning of the year to address mental health concerns.

Yada yada yada, we made some changes and I don't have to turn in the spreadsheet anymore, but she is still making me email her every week with a list of tasks I didn't complete from the week before. It's still insulting but at least she agreed I'd only have to do it for another 3 months. Actually she said 1 month, but she's such a bitch that by the next HR meeting she claimed she never said 1 month and switched it to 3 months. She's a fucking moron, reader. She's dead fucking stupid. I really can't stress that enough. Dumb. It took her 15 years to get the position I got within 3 years of starting. The only reason she's where she is is seniority, personal relationships with management, and being a fucking bully. A dumb bully! Telling you how to prioritize your work! She's accused me recently of being unprepared for a meeting---a meeting that I hosted, provided all the material for, wrote all the notes on, fleshing out a new process she told me to start implementing but had zero idea how. She just tosses ideas at me and I'm left to figure out any kind of practical way to do it because---AGAIN---she doesn't know how to do my job. There've been other things too. She's a sneak humiliator. She's a button pusher. She's a moron. A big fat ugly moron who looks like Roz from Monster's Inc.

So on Thursday at 4:30pm, end of the day, suddenly a meeting with HR and this cunt appears on my calendar for 10am Friday (yesterday). I'm like---well here we go. She's either going to fire me or put me on a formal PIP. I'll be honest with you, I'd already decided to quit but I was holding out for my bonus in December. I entered the meeting feeling tranquil. I thought, "Do it. Pull the trigger. I'm ready for the end. Just fire me. Let me go. Release me."

But when the meeting starts it's just a touch base with our HR rep to see how everything is going. Are YOU fucking KIDDING me. Anyone would have thought the same thing I did. Of all the things my supervisor sucks dicks at, communication is the worst of all. She can't even spell. She can't string a sentence together. I mean it's shocking she writes at like a 6th grade level. I've seen emails she sent that are so garbled they are literally incomprehensible.

So I'm PISSED. I express how nerve-wracking the previous evening and all morning had been. We're off to a great start. She lets me know she's going to try to end the email process early. OK good. She tells me she's concerned because I haven't been providing personal feedback to her when prompted. Easy enough to explain: I hate your fucking guts, I'm trying to be a grey rock until I can quit. But I can't say that so I'm just like Alright.

Now here comes the bullshit! 1) She now wants me to ask permission in advance to work on weekends. I'm so overworked and stressed out I work like every weekend and now she wants me to ask her permission for the privilege of working on my day off. Guess who's never working a weekend for this company again. 2) The emails that just contain a list of tasks, right? Was 1 month, now 3 months, etc. She also changed the rules so that I have to provide a count of all the claims I processed across multiple platforms. And well---she just doesn't understand how I processed X number of claims and it took this long. In fact, she said, she counts 8 hours reported on my timecard she can't account for last week.

I lost it. I was openly hostile and belligerent. Fuck this fucking bitch. I cannot work for this vile idiot anymore. I actually used my IRL voice to poke holes in what she was saying and pointing out how fucking stupid it all is. Then she comes at me for not respecting her authority. As a reminder, just minutes before she'd complained about me having no feedback for her.

I left the meeting by refusing offers for additional time with the HR rep. I was in no place. I barely worked the rest of the day I was so upset and I didn't send my email, didn't complete my tasks, and didn't ask her permission to finish it up on the weekend (lol). I don't have another job lined up but this is the last time she's going to question whether I'm just straight up lying on my timecard or some kind of moron. That's it. This is her 100th strike for me.

Now here's why I'm so conflicted. 1) My previous supervisor (now my boss's boss) is going on a leave of absence like THIS WEEK for about a month and a half to treat her cancer. I care about her very much. I don't want to stress her out at the last second like this. 2) My bitch boss is also having a sudden serious health problem requiring her to be at the hospital multiple times a week. 3) On top of that, this stupid fucking cow has to take over my boss's boss's work while she's out for cancer. 4) They are absolutely fucked without me. For me to leave right now is a disaster. Add to that---the one person I manage and have a 100% rock solid relationship straight up told me that she's going to quit at some point and that if I quit she's walking out right behind me. She said this to me unprompted and I discouraged her from quitting. 5) I have a heart. The boss and the boss's boss are both having life problems that are more important than work. I think it's immoral to leave them in the lurch right now. They have serious health problems. As much as I hate my boss, at one point we were friends. My heart is breaking.

So I'm crying in bed. I can't live this way anymore. Toxic work stress has taken over my life. I get so miserable, but then some days it's just a job. It's a job I know how to do. I've been here 6 years. The health insurance is spectacular. I've got nothing lined up. I have adequate savings to get through a couple months of unemployment, but it's no guarantee I'll find a position that suits me in that timeframe. I have all these personal relationships at work (a mistake I will not repeat). I've let this job become part of my identity. I'm getting older. I'm 37 and I'm tired and I'm crazy and I just want peace. This position is fully remote---what if the next guy makes me work in person? My whole life will change. I just want this job to work like it has been for the 5 years before she took over. I'm so sad. I've felt this way so many times.

I want to quit first thing Monday. But I want to offer them the option of staying on until good boss gets back from cancer leave, so long as I don't have to work with illiterate cunt boss any more than is absolutely critical in the meantime. What do you think guys? My heart is breaking.

[arsonkoobi]

taekooker to jikooker: my personal experience.

this is merely how i felt and all the things i saw while being a hardcore taekooker for almost a year and a half. if you get offended, im sorry but the unfollow and block button is right there, i dont mind. i love taekook themselves, but i can no longer look at them in the way i used to. now they genuinely look like best friends to me. people change, and their perceptions and views on different aspects of life change. thats what happened to me.

I first joined this fandom 5 years ago in mid january 2018 through my friends. taehyung was my first ever bias, so most of the bts related yt recs i had were mostly of taehyung and ot7, and occasional ship videos among which taekook was the most prominent. me being a curious lil unsuspecting lamb, clicked on one, it also helped that my friends were taekookers as well so i dived pretty deep into the rabbit hole of taekook. im gonna be writing my thoughts and experiences on shipping taekook at different times of the year. i dont remember every single detail clearly (like this was 5 years ago) so forgive me if i sound vague at times plus this will only be a summary. without further ado, lets start, shall we?

february-march, 2018

by this time, i already watched quite a few taekook analysis videos, i also came across a few tkk_lives' videos(i think i came across her vids like much later but i just included it here) as well as other deluded channels. i fell even deeper into the rabbit hole. i thought taekook were the epitome of boyfriends silly in love, i felt like they had the best chemistry and that they were the ones whose ship actually made sense. i feel so embarrassed to admit this but one of my rather major reasons for shipping them was how good they looked tgthr🤦‍♀️(im a changed person now i promise). now i realise many tkk analysis channels tend to heavily edit things to make it look like theres something going on, overanalysing things to no end, it made me see them as if they were closer than they actually are, and as if theyre hiding something, but it was really just heavy and clever editing that forces your mind to get convinced. it was quite literally manipulative. plus back then, i was rather immature and hadnt even been in a rltnshp yet, so i blindly believed whatever they said. i believed every narrative and every theory they put out even if i knew lots of them didnt even make sense. they constantly also put out the jealous jungkook/taehyung whenever the other breathes next to another member..as i now realise, thats one of the biggest toxic traits a person can have. they were always pushing tkk as a toxic relationship without even knowing it(or just ignoring it). i also do not like jikook analysis vids where they are portrayed as the same territorial mfs who cant stand the other interacting with anyone else but himself. bc thats literally pushing their relationship as a toxic one and making them look toxic, and i would rather not do that.

march/april-september, 2018

i only watched taekook vids and funny bts moments for a long while as a baby army. i didnt watch official content very much, i ddint even know how to watch official content..i didnt know bangtantv existed yet💀 this tkk analysis watching continued for around 4 or so months after i became an army before i took an unintentional break from them(analysis vids) and i went on twitter. twitter, was so much worse(as i now realise). i didnt have an account at that time and learnt to browse on twt without one(it doesnt really let you do that anymore). at first, i found nothing weird or unusual and i enjoyed lurking on twitter, but slowly i started to see the ugly side of the community. i found multiple accounts directly or indirectly hating on jimin. i was weirded out. very weirded out. i was quite conflicted but..i only thought of it as jimin haters who were coincidentally tkkrs, maybe i refused to see tkk shippers in a bad light? probably, unfortunately i cant remember much and as i said, i was immature.

october-december, 2018

i stumbled across gcf in tokyo somewhere in october, i think it was in a fanwar on twitter and a jkkr said "at least we have this" or sumn along that line and put a link to gcft . idek how i didnt see it earlier. immediately after watching it, i felt..weird, conflicted, insecure. insecure about my ship. it seemed so romantic to me even then. but ofc i didnt let myself give up immediately, and i searched interviews + info about it, i found tkkrs saying vminkook were supposed to go tgthr and jikook only went bc they had a few days off and tae didnt. that gave me a lil bit of security and i held onto that thread of security and refused to believe or even hear out the actual fact(which i will come to later). as you can see, i was a stubborn mf. inside i knew that even if tae not having time off was the "only" reason behind jikook's japan trip, it was still unusual and suspicious to go on a trip with only your "bro" when said "bro" has told you and the world multiple times that they wanna go on a trip alone with you, when the hotel room you're staying at with your "bro" has a see-through glass wall for the bathroom and when you make a whole love confession in the guise of a travel log for your "bro" while your boyfie is waiting for you at home.

in conclusion, i was very insecure.

did i give up? no, not yet. we're getting there.

so as a masochist and out of curiosity caused by insecurity, i searched up jikook videos on yt, thinking "there's no way they could ever have more chemistry than taekook 🙄" - when i tell you i was wrong as fuck, i mean it. i was HUMBLED. the chemistry and tension between jungkook and jimin was undeniable. i felt uncomfortable watching some certain moments, felt things that i didnt feel while shipping taekook, saw things i didnt see in taekook.

i was confused plus the sinking feeling you get when you've been too loud about what you think and your opinions but then it turns out you were a stupid ass bitch.

there was a plethora of jikook vids, and i think my first jikook video was from Made in Busan, ig it was the "serendipity" analysis? back then it made lots of sense to me, but now it looks slightly overanalyzed (i still believe "serendipity" is very much connected to jikook tho). i slowly got more introduced to jikook in general. this mainly occured in like the first week of october and december as i had my boards in november.

december/january-february, 2019

so its been more or less of a year since ive become a tkkr, gcft is still in the back of my head screaming at me. and then jikook drop another bomb. that is, 2018 MMA.

this..was just, just..i cant explain it in words. jungkook had every bit of his attention directed towards jimin, they were giving each other loving glances, jimin giving jungkook a flying kiss, jungkook giving jimin a finger heart, jungkook subconsciously massaging jimins nape..it was just so domestic and coupley. i've never third wheeled so bad in my life. i felt like i was interrupting something by watching them. imagine how hyunjae next to them felt😔✊not to mention how it very much looked like jungkook was saying "남편"[ nampyeon] meaning "husband" and "형의 남친"[ hyung-ui namchin ] meaning " hyung's boyfriend" in their conversation after jimin pointed to himself and jungkook (forgive me if the spellings/romanizations are not accurate enough, im not fully fluent in korean). plus, after jungkook said it, jimin smiles and shyly looks down..LIKE??

watch from 31:00 to see for yourself. im not kidding.(p.s i love this video so much)

i was bamboozled. i was shocked. i was frustrated. i was feeling stupid. i was begging for taekook to drop something mindblowing or sumn that would regain my secuity in the ship and i found some moments during other award shows but, it didnt feel the same. to me it was really looking like taekook had boundaries and limits between each other, the limits that apply when you're good friends. but with jikook, i couldnt see how their gazes towards each other could be passed off as anything platonic, how their actions+body language could ever be seen as platonic.

so what did i do? did i give up? oh hell no im stubborn as fuck. but we're getting there.

i ignored every jikook moment and brought my focus back on taekook, i started watching analysis and moments again. in a span of a few weeks, the security around my ship had improved after pretending that i didnt feel like a stupid mf after MMA 2018. haha. it sorta worked lol. sorta.

march-may, 2019

these were my last months as a taekooker.

after all that shit, all i wanted was more taekook moments to make me feel better about myself. and i did get quite a few. however, as i said before, they looked like they had boundaries. i couldnt look at them exactly the same.

i was busy in april with my class tests, i doubt i had much time to catch up with the boys. so when the tests ended, it was most likely in the last week of april or the first few days of may.

we all know what happened in the first few days of may, don't we? in case you don't, this is what happened.

surprisingly, i clearly remember the first time i got to know about it.

it was in class, i just arrived and then one of my friends and i start talking and she goes [this convo is all translated from bengali]

"hey did you see what jungkook did at the latest concert?"

"no, i didn’t, what did he do?"

"he went and literally sucked on jimins ear!"

i was shocked once again, my eyes went wide, my heart did a backflip..all that shit. i didnt believe it at first.

"don't joke around like that, you're being absurd" i said.

"im not kidding bro, he sucked jimins ear in the rosebowl concert last week, ill send you a link too"

when i got back home, sure enough, the link was there and i saw jungkooks ear nibbling in all its glory, albeit a bit low quality. but no doubt he took that ear into his mouth and i knew it.

surely i must've given up now? no, but im this🤏 close we're almost there i promise

i went online and found lots of tkkrs denying that jungkook ever took jimin's ear into his mouth and that jimin's ear only got caught on jk's chin. but..if it got caught on jk's chin then that means his chin was behind jimin's ear, and his lips must have been at least kissing jimin's ear, given that we couldnt see them very well. the lip we could see was the upper lip, which again lead me to be believe that jungkook did indeed, suck jimin's ear.

yeah, my faith in tkk was crumbling into millions of pieces. because i couldnt see how jungkook, being in a supposed relationship with taehyung, could do that with tae's best friend. i sure as hell wouldnt let my partner get away with that, nor would i ever do that myself with someone else other than my partner. even if its to comfort them. it just goes way over platonic boundaries.

i was seriously considering shifting over to jikook by now. but before that, i searched lots of shit up abt jikook.

there i saw an interview where jimin talked about the tokyo trip with jungkook. what i believed until now was that vminkook were supposed to go tgthr but jikook were the ones with time off, and tae didnt have time off. jimin said he told taehyung and jungkook that he wants to go on a trip to Japan. he didnt say he wanted to go on a trip WITH taehyung and jungkook. yall, ive told my wishes to go to japan and turkey multiple times to my friends, does that mean im taking their asses with me? no. mind you, jimin has said he wanted to go on a trip alone with jungkook multiple times in their rookie era. on jimin's bday of 2017, jungkook tweeted a pic of him(jimin) with the caption "Its not over yet.." and shortly after, we find out jikook went on a tokyo trip by THEMSELVES with no staff, no managers and no other members. dropped off at the airport by jungkook's dad and brother and jimin's dad. jungkook paid for everything and put a hell lot of time into making the masterpiece that is gcf in tokyo WITH a bgm of a gay fucking song by a queer fucking artist and showed the fucking rainbow colored ferris wheel at the line "love is a road that goes both ways".

also

its clear who the main model of gcf is.

you can deny the trip being only for jikook, but you can not deny the symbolism and significance shown in gcf in tokyo. saying "jungkook didnt understand the song, hes not fluent in english" - is so small minded and belittling.

saying he didnt show jimin on the parts "boy, im holding onto something, wont let go of you for nothing, im running, running just to keep my hands on you" on purpose is not only straight up denial but also understimating jungkook's intelligence and artistic capabilities, saying that jungkook isnt smart enough to get the meaning behind these words. and just because hes korean. thats fucking racist if you ask me.

then i discovered the iconic osaka vlives, i was convinced. it was my last straw along with rosebowl.

alas, after around a week of denial, i gave up and became a jikooker in mid may of 2019. ive never looked back. over the years they've only given us more and more evidence and i doubt my beliefs will ever change soon.

i hope this was kinda fun to read, i had been planning to do this for a long time. im glad i finally got to say my thoughts out here. thank you for taking the time to read this<3

[emilybahu]

My Thoughts While Watching 8x01 of 9-1-1:

(Literally no one asked for this and it’s so late, but whatever… I had fun spending an hour and a half watching a 43 minute tv show episode to share my thoughts 🤷‍♀️)

1. Oh this poor man just bought his new plane then he gets caught in a beenado… what did he do to deserve that?

2. Oh crap oh crap! He about to crash!!

3. God damn Gerrard… I hate him with every fiber of my being😠

4. EDDIE I love you, I love you, I love you! But now that Gerrard said he likes the mustache it’s gotta go…

5. BUCK’S CRULS ARE FREE!!! Omg I just love him so much he’s so pretty!

6. Also, Gerrard 🙄🙄🙄

7. 3 MONTHS AGO! Not much of a time jump my ass! LIARS!

8. Who are you Gerrard? Donald Trump? Building a fence (wall)…

9. ATHENA! Hey queen! Oh wait, they making you transport the man who killed your fiancé… yikes 😬

10. He requested her!?

11. Buck… BUCK! What are you doing!? Get away from the ledge!

12. “Don’t jump!” “Why not?” 😀 Buck you know perfectly well why we don’t want you to jump, and it has nothing to do with the quote below.

13. “Gerrard would just make us clean you up off the sidewalk.” This line is hilarious and so not hilarious at the same time!

14. My poor baby boy! Buck come here let me give you a hug!

15. Chimney making fun of Eddie’s mustache 😂

16. Bobby the technical advisor 🤭

17. It’s so funny that there’s a show within the show!

18. Poor Bobby, like it is partially his fault that he’s not at the 118 right now, but you can tell he misses his team 🥺

19. Oh this kid, I love her already! And fair question Mom, what exactly does she mean by “hooking up”?

20. OH NO THE BEEEESSSS!!!

21. Yesss Buck and his fun facts! I love it!

22. Ugh 😑 Gerrard, that’s rude, our favs at the 118 are beautiful! You’re just salty because you’re old and ugly and no one likes you.

23. I’m sorry like half of this is gonna be me complaining about Gerrard… he’s so rude though! How dare he yell at Josh like that, for something he can’t control.

24. No, no, no! The bees got in!

25. No, no, nope! ABSOLUTELY NOT! The bees fucking went down the second driver’s throat!? I’d be outta there in a second!

26. Why did you smack the bee!? Aahhhhhh no!

27. Thank god the girl is okay! Oh damn, of course the mom gets stung too!

28. “Why do I taste honey?” SIR?!

29. Oh god no!

30. This poor kid, this has got to be so incredibly traumatic, she had to give her own mother an EpiPen.

31. God I’m sorry, I just love Buck so much! That little smile when the bee landed on his finger! ☺️

32. Good lord here I go again… what the hell Gerrard! Buck saved the patients and you’re reprimanding him!

33. “It’s a beenado” 🐝🌪️

34. Bobby and Athena house hunting! I love them!

35. Here goes Athena breaking my heart…💔

36. Eeeeeee! Family dinner! I love this so much!

37. Mara calls them Mom and Momma! It’s too cute! And Jee omg I can’t even with her! She’s precious!

38. Awwww Chimney bonding with Mara over Harry Potter! I love that for them!

39. Yes Denny, their boss is a jerk, you are very correct!

40. Eeeeeeee! Tommy! I didn’t think we’d see you in episode one!! Yay!!!

41. Literally I got so excited when I saw the cupcakes and the sign, I thought Chris might be coming back… oh how I was wrong.

42. Oh my boys! I love them so much! I NEED to see more of Buck, Eddie, and Tommy together!

43. I may or may not have actually screamed… Buck and Tommy flirting! They are so adorable together I can’t handle this!

44. Oh Eddie, bless his heart! So excited to talk to Chris and wish him a happy birthday. Meanwhile his son still can’t look at him, even though a computer screen. 😢

45. He made such an effort, just for the screen to freeze and for Chris to leave him hanging. You can see the man’s heart breaking behind his eyes. My heart broke too, but I understand the kid needing time.

46. But seriously seeing Eddie’s lip quiver like that when his mom mentions putting in a pool… PLEASE CHRIS COME BACK TO US! We can’t handle seeing your dad this heartbroken! 💔

47. This woman be here having a midlife crisis, making her own fragrance, only for the bees to crash her party.

48. “Tomorrow is going to be flawless” cue the giant swarm of killer bees just hanging out on top of the tent.

49. Oop her party is ruined…

50. Oh not Buck volunteering Eddie ass the bee bait! 😂

51. “But why me?” “Because you’re the fastest runner!” Stop it now I’m cackling! 🤣

52. The close up of Eddie’s face has me wheezing! 🤣🤣 Oooo he runnin’!!

53. Oh that close up bee cgi is sooo bad it’s hilarious! 🤣

54. Yeah sure, duct tape fixes everything, but why is it in the medical bag!?

55. “I’ve been shot before, I’m pretty sure I can handle this.” It’s funny because the beekeeper was talking to the bees not Eddie! 🤣 (sorry for the excessive use of the laughing emojis I can’t help it)

56. Come on man, Buck is like a little puppy, you gotta give him some praise!

57. And we have Buck with the episode title drop!

58. Noooo Athena! 😢 Come on let me give you a hug! 🫂 So much ✨Trauma✨

59. Ooo this is a fishy situation…but Athena knows what’s up.

60. NO ONE and I mean no one messes with Athena Grant! She knows her shit!

61. She straight up locked this man in a trunk of a car in the middle of the desert! My dude, what!?

62. “Get yourself back to LA in one piece.” Little did she know what was going to happen next…

63. Not the actor being star struck by Bobby, I love that!

64. “I’m gonna study you tip to tail” 🤣

65. Good god Gerrard you got everyone watching Buck like a hawk to make sure he doesn’t deck you.

66. Eddie walking behind Gerrard signing to Buck to cut it out… he tried to help

67. “Broody little pout” 🤣✨

68. Do WE need to remind YOU Gerrard who’s the TRUE captain of this firehouse… news flash it’s NOT YOU!

69. Eddie in the background, we all know he’s got Buck’s back

70. Eeww I just paused on the close up of Gerrard’s mouth… gross. Also, have I mentioned that I HATE this man.

71. Oh my good god! Buck’s eyes are fucking beautiful!

72. Woah, oh wow, that was crazy dude! I seriously can’t tell if Buck snapped and tackled him to the ground, or if he did it to save him.

73. OH CRAP! OF FUCKING COURSE ATHENA WAS ON THE PLANE FROM THE BEGINNING OF THE EPISODE!

[rainisawriter]

The Ugly Duckling – Amagai (PSF #4)

Ficography

Genre: Fluff, angst

Prompt: Cinderella Moment / Ugly Duckling (@flufftober)

Word Count: 7,802

Pairing: Reader x Amagai

World: High&Low

Warnings: Abuse (it’s Amagai) and violence (it’s h&l)

───── ⋆⋅🍂⋅⋆ ─────

“Wake the hell up!”

You cried out in surprise as a loud sound echoed throughout your room, ripping you violently from deep sleep and sending you rolling off the bed onto the floor. You hit the wood with a thud, the air being knocked from your lungs. One would think you would be used to this after two years but you weren’t. 

Standing on the other side of your bed was your step-father, carrying a pan and a metal spoon. “Have you lost your mind? You should have been up ages ago! Now I have to go out without breakfast! You are a lazy, worthless child.”

You rolled your eyes, not bothered by his comments. Your eyes flickered to the clock. ‘It’s only six in the morning, what is he griping about?’

“Make yourself useful before my precious babies wake up,” he snapped, throwing the items onto the bed before turning on his heel and leaving the room.

With a sigh, you forced yourself up, grabbing the pan before making your way downstairs to make breakfast for your lovely step-siblings. They didn’t wake up until 9:30, at which point breakfast was cold and they refused to eat it. You knew Matthew would yell at you when he got home but you didn’t really care anymore.

‘More food for me,’ you thought with a shrug.

The three of you attended Senomon high school, a place filled with delinquents and wannabe thugs. Half the teachers chose not to show up while the other half stayed in the teacher’s lounge, hiding from the students. 

You had managed to avoid most of the fighting, though you were pretty decent when it came to protecting yourself. You just had no interest in fighting. You hated Senomon and just wanted to graduate and finally get away from the shitty life your mom had left you in.

The thought of her left a bitter taste in your mouth. 

She had been so adamant about marrying Matthew, claiming he was the love of her life. You told her repeatedly that something felt off about him but she always just assumed you were just being an angsty teen opposing change. She had only been married to him for three months before she met another man.

This man, she claimed, was her soulmate. Instead of doing the responsible thing and getting a divorce, she chose to run away with this new man. She didn’t think twice about leaving you behind, not that you were surprised. She had promised to come and get you, but you knew she had no intention of doing so. It had already been two years since she disappeared without a word.

Matthew chose not to kick you out, though you aren’t too sure if that was better than the alternative. He and his daughters use you like a slave and you’re the punching bag he uses to take out his frustrations on. You were paying your mom’s debt.

When you stepped through the gates of Senomon, you found yourself pausing. Bodies were strewn about the place, battered and bloody against the fallen leaves of autumn. That wasn’t anything new but this felt… different. The air was heavier, filled with a tension that put you on edge. Every thing inside of you was screaming at you to turn and run away.

You had nowhere else to go, though, and if you wanted to graduate and finally escape this hell, you couldn’t be skipping school. Taking a deep breath, you gripped the strap of your messenger bag tighter and proceeded into the school building.

The inside wasn’t much better. Actually, it was worse. There were students hanging limply over broken windows, blood smeared throughout the hallway. The fights were never this bad before and the winners were nowhere in sight. It left you feeling uneasy as you slowly made your way down the hall, body tense and ears alert.

You didn’t know what to expect, though you knew it was going to be bad.

As you passed by one of the first floor classrooms, a hand reached out and grabbed you, yanking you inside before closing the door. You readied yourself for a fight.

“It’s just me!” hissed Isamu, looking worriedly to the door. He was a year below you but he had become the closest thing to a friend you had.

When you were first enrolled at Senomon, everyone wanted to fight you, to test you and see where you fell on the hierarchy. You were fine to automatically be placed at the bottom. He was the only one who approached you that didn’t want to fight, though he was also at the bottom of the totem pole.

You thought it was ironic when you first met him because his name means ‘brave’ but Takamichi Isamu was the farthest thing from it. He was a self-proclaimed coward that hated fighting and always rolled over when someone messed with him. Most of the fights you had been in came about because you were trying to protect him, something he greatly appreciated.

You glanced around the empty classroom with a furrowed brow. “What the hell happened?”

“Two kids transferred today,” he frowned, sitting down at the desk and curling in on himself. “That one guy is a monster! He took down everyone…”

“Wait a minute… you’re saying one guy took down the whole of Senomon?”

“Yes!”

“What the fuck?”

“You shouldn’t curse, senpai.”

You sent him a deadpan look which he returned with a sheepish smile. “Is that really the important thing right now? The hell do they want?”

“Control. The other guy, he… he didn’t lift a finger but I overheard him talking to the third years. He said Senomon is under his control now.”

“Great,” you muttered, falling onto the chair across from him.

“I’m scared,” he whispered, looking at you with glassy eyes. “What’s going to happen to us?”

You shrugged, propping up your head in your hand. Through the windows were mostly boarded up or covered in graffiti, you could just barely see the the sky through the cracks. It was dark, covered with thick Grey clouds that you knew meant rain was on the way. It was fitting, you thought, given the dark cloud that had just descended upon Senomon.

───── ⋆⋅🍂⋅⋆ ─────

“Did you see the way Amagai-kun was dressed today? Oh my god, he looked so cute!”

“Right! God, what I wouldn’t give to run my hand through those soft, luxurious locks.”

You scoffed in annoyance, nearly smashing the egg against the side of the bowl. They had been gushing over the newest addition to the school for over an hour and, quite frankly, you were tired of listening to it. Why did they have to do this in the kitchen? 

Miko, the eldest of the two, glared at you from behind fake eyelashes. “Do you have something to add?”

“Nope,” you replied, slamming the bowl on the counter harder than necessary.

Kali giggled, a smirk on her pink lips. “I think someone is jealous~”

“Jealous?” You scoffed again, this time in disgust. “You know what, I do have something to say. First off, he dresses the same goddamn way every day. It’s a uniform. How was today any different from any other day?”

Her lips parted to reply but you cut her off as you angrily poured the egg into the pan, some of it sloshing over the side.

“Secondly, ‘soft luxurious locks’? Are we looking at the same person? That bitch uses so much hair gel that I guarantee you his hair is harder than hard on you two seem to possess for him.”

Their faces flushed with embarrassment at the comment.

“Thirdly, he’s a fucking weak little monster. He thinks he can boss everyone around just because daddy is rich? Bah!” You scowled deeply, cutting the potatoes so hard that the knife got stuck in the cutting board. “He can’t even fight, yet he’s the leader of Senomon? What bullshit.”

“Do you think you can do better, ugly duckling?”

Your body froze, the air leaving your lungs. 

Standing in the entryway was Matthew, Amagai, and Suzaki. They were all staring at you with a mixture of shock and annoyance. Amagai himself looked ready to kill.

The room was deadly silent, filled with a thick tension that threatened to suffocate anyone inside. You could feel him staring you down, sizing you up. Honestly, you felt confident that you could take him in a fight but you knew you wouldn’t get the chance. His guard dog would be your opponent and Suzaki was not a guy you could beat.

“Who do you think you are, hm?” questioned Amagai, tilting his head to the side as he stepped farther into the kitchen. “A poor ugly duckling like you could never have what it takes to be a leader. That’s why you’re at the bottom. Why you will always be at the bottom.”

Anger surged within you and you whipped around, eyes aflame with emotion. “You seem to be forgetting that there’s a difference between being a leader that people fear and being a leader that people respect. They don’t respect you, they just want your money and they’re afraid of your damn guard dog.” You motioned toward Suzaki who was watching you curiously.

“That’s enough,” hissed Matthew, sending the young man a worried look. “Go to your -“

Amagai cut him off with a snarl, closing the distance between you. His eyes flashed with anger and the tiniest bit of disbelief at being challenged. “I’d suggest watching your mouth before -“

“Before you what?” You taunted, straightening your back and meeting his gaze head on. “Before you have Suzaki beat my ass because you can’t do it yourself? When push comes to shove, everyone will leave you, but you know that already, don’t you? No one will ever be loyal to -“

Slap.

Your head whipped to the side, eyes wide as pain overtook the side of your face. The girls gasped in surprise and even Suzaki took a step forward, eyes wide in surprise.

Amagai grabbed your chin, forcing you to look at him. His voice was low and filled, not with a warning, but with a promise. “If you ever speak to me like that again, ugly duckling, you will regret it.”

“Go to hell,” you spat, shoving him away and rushing up the stairs to your room. You made sure to slam the door as hard as you could, the wall trembling from the force. 

You approached the mirror that hung above the dresser, tilting your face to the side so you could view the damage. A bright red hand print covered the whole of your cheek, darker where his ring had struck you. You reached up to touch it only to hiss as pain shot through your face.

In the two years you’ve been at Senomon, you’ve been kicked, punched, bitten, nearly stabbed, scratched, but never slapped. Slapping someone was the ultimate form of disrespect, though you weren’t surprised that he had done it. He couldn’t spell respect if it slapped him in the face.

“Bastard,” you muttered darkly, glaring at your reflection.

───── ⋆⋅🍂⋅⋆ ─────

“What happened to your face?!” cried Isamu, staring at your face with wide eyes. His sudden yell attracted the attention of the other students who snickered at you when they saw your face. 

You scowled at them, giving Isamu an annoyed look that he shrunk away from.

“Sorry…”

You sighed, falling into your seat. “Fucking Amagai.”

His eyes widened again, mouth hanging open. “Amagai did that?!”

You punched his arm and he winced. “Will you shut your fat mouth?”

“I’m sorry,” he whimpered, rubbing his arm. “What happened?”

“He came to my house last night. No doubt because Matthew is trying to suck up to his father.”

“But why would he hit you?”

“I may have been insulting him right as he arrived without realizing he was there…”

He made a strangled noise in the back of his throat, looking terrified.

The door to the classroom was slid open and everyone went quiet as Suzaki stepped inside, dark eyes scanning the room. Most people looked away, not wanting to catch his attention, but you were still angry. You stared him dead in the face with narrowed eyes.

He approached you with his hands in his pockets, eyes flickering to your cheek for just a split second. “Amagai wants to see you.”

You scoffed, golding your arms over your chest. “If he wants to see me so bad, then he can walk his little princess ass in here.”

Isamu squeaked, looking at you, horrified. 

Suzaki’s face remained impassive. “Trust me, you don’t want the whole school to know about this. If you don’t come willingly, I’m going to take you.”

You scoffed at the audacity. “I am not going anywhere with you – oi, what are you – put me down!” you cried as Suzaki lifted you up onto his shoulder like you weighed nothing.

Isamu was frozen in his seat, helpless to do anything but watch as you were carried away. You kicked and squirmed but his arm was like an iron shackle around your waist, anchoring you in place.

“How’s it feel being a dog?” you spat angrily, smacking him on the back but he didn’t even flinch.

Amagai was lounging on a sofa in the gym, scrolling through his phone without a care in the world. He didn’t even look up when Suzaki appeared. “What took you so long?”

“Put me down!” you scowled, slapping the ravenette’s back once more. “I swear to god if you don’t – oof!” The wind was knocked from your lungs when he did as he was told, dropping you onto the wooden floor. “Son of a bitch.”

Amagai clicked his tongue, looking at you lazily. “Such foul language from a foul person.”

You glared at him, pulling yourself to your feet. “You’d know all about being foul, wouldn’t you? What the hell do you want from me, huh? If you think I’m apologizing, you -”

“Sit down,” he ordered.

“Hah?” you sent him a look of disbelief. “I’m not your dog!”

“Actually,” he smirked, dark eyes glinting. “You are.”

It took a moment for your brain to process the words and when it finally did, you found yourself sputtering, unable to form words as anger and astonishment flooded your system.

Amagai picked up a stack of papers from the couch beside him, dropping it onto the coffee table. “After your rude little commentary last night, I had a talk with your father.”

“He’s not my father,” you scoffed, folding your arms over your chest.

The blonde hummed, that annoying smirk still playing on his lips. “We came to an agreement. I put in a good word for him with my father and in exchange -” He stood up, slowly approaching you.

Despite everything within you screaming at you to step back, you stood your ground, straightening your back and meeting his gaze head on. He invaded your personal space, fingers brushing against the faint imprint of his hand on your cheek.

“- he gave me you.”

“Hah?” you breathed out, slapping his hand away. “I’m not a goddamn possession, he can’t just -”

His eyes flashed with anger and he grabbed your chin roughly. “He can. He is – was – your legal guardian and can sign you away as he sees fit. My father finalized the paperwork this morning. You now belong to me, so kneel, ugly duckling.”

“Fuck you.”

Amagai raised his hand as if he was going to slap you again and you reflexively winced. He paused, smirk returning to his lips as he chose to cup your cheek instead. “You’ll be a difficult one to train, but I can make you bend to me.”

“It’ll be a cold day in hell before I bend to you,” you growled, but even you could hear the way your voice trembled.

“Then you’ll break,” he replied simply, patting your cheek before brushing past you. “Let’s go, Ryo.”

Suzaki frowned at you as he passed by, bowing his head in apology or pity. You couldn’t be sure which one it was and you honestly didn’t care. In your mind, he was just as guilty as the master he served and you hated both of them.

───── ⋆⋅🍂⋅⋆ ─────

You stifled a yawn, stretching your arms above your head as you walked down the sidewalk. The Autumn air was chilly that morning and you were thankful that you had chosen to wear a hoodie. Vibrant leaves fluttered to the ground as you passed, crunching beneath your feet because they littered the sidewalk.

Suzaki was in front of you, several paces ahead because of his long legs and your sluggish pace. He would glance over his shoulder every minute or so just to make sure you were still following him.

When you first began to serve Amagai, you had taken every opportunity to try and escape Suzaki’s watchful eye, something he had been scolded over each time. Though you had mostly accepted that this was now your life, he knew you still had some fight left in you and he wouldn’t let his master down by letting you escape.

You scowled, folding your hands behind your head. “Fucking delinquents and he has a meeting at six in the morning. Ridiculous.”

Suzaki said nothing, but you didn’t miss the way his lips twitched upward at the comment.

Amagai was already inside the bar, sipping a drink that you didn’t know the name of. Saboten was sitting at the table opposite his, scrolling through his phone and looking as if he were about to fall asleep. The other schools had yet to arrive. Normally, Amagai was the last one to enter the scene. You believed this was because he thought it made him look cool or because it demanded the attention of the room.

You started to sit across from Saboten but Amagai clicked his tongue, motioning you over with a single finger. You sighed dramatically before approaching him. “What do you want, your highness?”

Though it was meant to be mocking, he would be lying if he said he didn’t enjoy hearing it from your lips. “Sit.”

“No.”

His eye twitched in annoyance, jaw clenching. It had been months since you became his property yet you were still as defiant as the day you first met. It was beyond frustrating to him because he was used to people bending to his will immediately. He couldn’t pay you off, though, and you weren’t afraid of him. Hell, he couldn’t be sure you weren’t afraid of Suzaki, either.

Saboten looked nervously from you to his boss and back again, shifting in his seat. The mere thought of going against Amagai’s orders chilled Saboten to the bone because he knew Amagai wouldn’t hesitate to put him in his place. Why was it different with you? It honestly pissed him off. What made you so damn special?

“Sit down,” he hissed.

“Nah, I’d rather stand, thanks.”

His eyes flickered to Suzaki who didn’t even need to be told what to do. The ravenette came up behind you, pressing hard on your shoulders until you fell into the booth across from the blonde. You scowled at him, slapping his hands away before rubbing your shoulders. The man’s grip was like iron and you hated it.

“There, I’m sitting. What the hell do you want from me?”

“I have a job for you.”

“I’ll pass.”

He chose to ignore your comment, focusing on his drink as he tilted it back and forth, causing the ice to swirl around inside the glass. “I’m transferring you to Oya Kou.”

“Oya Kou?” You repeated with a furrowed brow. “Why?”

“Because I’m going to lead it soon.” He lifted his eyes to meet yours. “And I want someone on the Inside. Gain their trust. Learn their weaknesses.”

“God, you’re so dramatic.”

He slammed his hand on the table, making Saboten jump. “This is important.”

“To you, maybe.”

He slowly leaned forward on the table, the zipper on his sleeves clinking against the wood. “You’ve already been transferred. If you let me down, you will be severely punished, ugly duckling.” His eyes flickered to Suzaki who tensed up at the implication.

You realized it, too – he was going to order Suzaki to attack you if you failed. “As you wish,” you pushed out through gritted teeth, glaring daggers at him. You slowly stood up, leaning toward him. “I hate you, Amagai.” And then you left the bar, unaware of the hurt that flashed through his eyes.

It was gone as quickly as it had come, but Suzaki noticed it.

───── ⋆⋅🍂⋅⋆ ─────

You sighed deeply as you approached Oya Kou, feeling exhausted already. There wasn’t a single person in the Sword district that didn’t know about Oya and how insane its student body was. Most were old men who just didn’t want to grow up, the rest were yakuza in training.

You knew it would be ten times worse than Senomon ever had been.

‘You can do this. You’ll survive this. You’re stronger than you know.’ You took a few deep breaths to calm yourself before entering the school. 

Amagai had managed to secure a uniform for you so you didn’t stick out quite as much. You tried to act as if you belonged there, hoping that they were as dumb as they had been described as and wouldn’t even notice you. For the most part, you were correct.

No one batted an eye at you and you went out of your way to avoid getting caught up in fights. Not everyone was so easily fooled, though. Todoroki was the first to realize that a snake had slithered inside the school, hiding in plain sight. Tsukasa noticed, as well, and it filled him with unease.

You stifled a yawn, rubbing the back of your head as you approached the vending machine. You felt exhausted and really needed some caffeine to wake yourself up. Ever since you became Amagai’s property, you hadn’t been sleeping well at all, despite now sleeping on the most comfortable bed in the world.

The soda plopped into the bottom tray and you tried to pull it out. The top got caught on the door, slipping out of your hand and rolling across the floor before coming to a stop against a black shoe.

You stood up slowly, eyes meeting Tsukasa’s. “Woah, you’re so pretty.”

He quirked a brow at that, the corner of his lips sliding upward.

You hadn’t meant to say that out loud, but he had caught you off guard. Of all the rumors surrounding Oya, none of them mentioned a pretty boy delinquent.

He bent down to pick up the bottle, holding it out to you. “I’ve never seen you before. Are you new?” His eyes flickered to the Oya pin that sat against your jacket’s collar.

“Just transferred,” you replied simply. “I’m not looking for trouble or a fight. I just want to survive until I can graduate.”

“You came to the wrong place, then,” he chuckled softly.

“Not exactly here by choice,” you scowled, eyes narrowed at the machine.

Before he could question it, Fujio came running up to him with a grin. “There you are! Jamuo got us some tickets for the new Marvel movie!”

“Oh? I didn’t think it was out yet.”

“He’s got tickets for opening night.”

“How did he manage that?”

As the two boys talked, you slowly backed away, wanting to escape the situation. The movement caught Fujio’s eye and he looked at you curiously. 

“Who are you?”

“New transfer,” answered Tsukasa, turning his attention to you, as well.

“Really?” Fujio grinned widely, grabbing your hand and shaking it enthusiastically. “Welcome to Oya! My name is Hanaoka Fujio. Are you strong? How well do you fight? What brought you to Oya?”

You blinked at him, surprised by how friendly he was being. He reminded you of a golden retriever and you could practically see his non-existent tail wagging. 

“Fujio,” scolded the blonde lightly. “One question at a time.”

The ravenette pouted at his friend before smiling warmly at you. “Come on, I’ll show you around!”

“That’s really not – oi!”

He grabbed your wrist, tugging you down the hall despite your protests. Tsukasa just sighed, shaking his head as he followed after you.

───── ⋆⋅🍂⋅⋆ ─────

“What did you just say?”

You folded your arms over you chest, staring Amagai down defiantly. “I won’t do it.” You were well aware of the other schools watching the two of you intently. 

The boys from Kamasaka were smirking, waiting for Amagai or Suzaki to ruin you. The boys from Ebara exchanged concerned looks, not sure just how far he would go with you.

Amagai was livid. Going against him when it was just the three of you was one thing, but going against him in front of the other schools? He couldn’t have that. He grabbed your arm so tight that you winced, bringing you close. “”I gave you a job and you will do it or -“

“Or what?” You shoved him away with a scoff. “Gonna have Suzaki beat me up? I do have to thank you, though.”

Confusion flashed through his eyes.

“By sending me to Oya, I learned what a real leader is. Fujio is going to beat your ass,” you smirked, despite knowing what was coming next.

With all the strength he could muster, he backhanded you, the force sending you stumbling back against the wall. The ring he wore caught on your lip, ripping it open and you could feel blood trickling from the wound.

The tension in the room was palpable, everyone now staring at you. Gandhi giggled like a schoolgirl, nearly jumping with joy from the booth he sat in.

He grabbed you by the hair, lips brushing against your ear. “I’ve given you too many chances, ugly duckling. The rent is due.” He pulled away, motioning toward you with his hand as he turned. “It’s time, Ryo.”

The ravenette hesitated, swallowing hard as he shifted his weight from one foot to the other. He had grown attached to you and didn’t want to harm you.

Amagai glared st him, lip curling up in disgust. Before he could speak, though, Gandhi rushed over with a Cheshire grin on his lips.

“Oi, Amagai. Let me handle it.”

Suzaki’s eyes widened, snapping toward the taller male. He knew you would be beaten within an inch of your life if he took the job, so Suzaki stepped forward with clenched fists. “It’s my job, not yours.”

Gandhi scoffed. “You’re going to take it easy on ’em!”

“He won’t,” replied Amagai, eyes flashing with warning. “If he knows what’s good for him.”

Suzaki stepped up to you, his body easily covering your own. “I’m sorry…” He whispered into your ear, his voice trembling the tiniest bit.

You just scoffed tired lying. “Get it the fuck over with.”

Closing his eyes, he brought his knee hard against your gut, the sound of your pained cry going straight to his heart.

───── ⋆⋅🍂⋅⋆ ─────

“Hey, what’s that?”

Tsukasa glanced over in the direction that Jamuo was pointing, his eyes widening when he realized what his friend had spotted. His heart raced within his chest as he rushed over to you.

You were face first on the ground beneath the footbridge, clothes ripped and stained with blood. He rested his hand on your shoulder, calling out your name but you didn’t move. He pushed down his panic before slowly rolling you over, hearing Jamuo gasp in surprise.

“Oh my god…”

“Go get Fujio,” ordered the blonde and Jamuo didn’t hesitate to run away to do just that. Tsukasa slowly leaned down, relieved to hear you breathing, even if it was faint. “What the hell happened to you?”

Your brow furrowed, a groan passing your lips. The first thing you felt upon waking up was pain. Every single part of your body felt heavy, it hurt to breathe, and the world around you was blurry. 

Tsukasa called your name again and you slowly turned your head, peering at him through half-lidded eyes.

“Tsukasa!” Fujio came speeding toward the two of you, breathing heavily with a panicked expression on his face. As soon as he saw you, anger coursed through his veins. “Who the hell did this?”

You tried to sit up but pain shot through your ribs and you cried out, falling back down, nails digging into the concrete beneath you.

“Hey, take it easy,” said Tsukasa softly, sending Fujio a look.

The ravenette nodded, squatting down beside you. “I’m going to pick you up, okay? It’s going to hurt, but try not to move so I don’t drop you. Okay?” He waited for your weak nod before slipping his arms beneath you, carefully lifting you off the ground.

You clutched his shirt tightly, biting the side of your lip that wasn’t split to try and numb the pain. It did little to help, though you hadn’t really expected it to.

Your consciousness came and went as he carried you. When you realized where he was taking you, your body tensed up, making the pain worse. It seized you in a vice grip, leaving you gasping for air.

“Calm down,” scolded Fujio, being careful not to drop you.

Tsukasa frowned at you as you shook your head frantically. “What is it?”

“No… hospital…” you managed through gritted teeth.

“Look at you!” Scowled Fujio in frustration. 

You sent Tsukasa a pleading look and he nodded, confused. “We should go to Oya instead.”

“Hah? We don’t know how bad the injuries are -“

“I know. It’s not ideal,” frowned the blonde, reconsidering his choice.

“Please…” you mumbled, clutching at Fujio’s shirt.

He sighed deeply, shaking his head. “Fine.”

Relief flooded you and you relaxed in his arms, resting your head against his shoulder. With the fear leaving your system, your consciousness slipped again, returning a few hours later.

You had been placed on a couch sitting near the pool, Shibaman’s NFL jacket resting over your body. The sky was dark, the full moon reflecting off the surface of the water. Fujio and company were at the other end of the pool, talking quietly amongst themselves.

“I’m going to take an educated guess and say that you’re not going to answer me if I ask what happened.”

You tilted your head back, seeing Todoroki sitting beside the couch, feet propped up on a wooden box as he read his book. You breathed out slowly, wincing in pain. Your wounds had been tended to as best as possible, a white bandage wrapped around your midsection.

“Are you able to sit up?” 

Taking a few deep breaths to ready yourself, you forced yourself up, gritting your teeth as pain shot through you. You’ve been through a lot of shit in your life, but never had you been this low before and it took every ounce of self control not to burst into tears.

“Take these, they’ll help.” Todoroki handed you a bottle of pain killers which you took gratefully, popping a few into your mouth, washing them down with the bottle of water sitting on the table.

“Thank you,” you mumbled, bowing to him with a wince before pulling yourself to your feet. The world spun around you and you had to stand still for a moment to find your balance.

Fujio rushed over to you when he noticed you slowly walking away from the couch. “Oi, you need to be resting.”

“I need to get home,” you muttered, wincing again but it wasn’t from pain this time. Home… could you even call it that? Of course not. You hated everything about the Amagai house, but you knew Amagai would throw a hissed fit if you didn’t return. He probably already was.

“I’ll walk you -“

“No!” You replied quickly, the fierceness in your tone catching the boys by surprise. “Please just… just stay away from me.”

Fujio looked hurt and confused, making you look away in guilt.

“Hah?” growled Yasushi, eyes flashing. “They save you and that’s how you act? What an ungrateful bitch.”

Tsukasa sent him an exasperated look before turning to you. You didn’t give him the chance to say anything, mustering up the last of your strength to dart away from them, ignoring their cries of your name.

───── ⋆⋅🍂⋅⋆ ─────

“Can I help you upstairs?” inquired Suzaki Sr. with a worried frown as he helped you out of the car. He had found you stumbling down the street and had brought you back to the Amagai household, as he had been ordered to do.

“No,” you grunted, brow furrowed in pain. “I’m okay… thank you, Suzaki-san.”

“Of course…” He bowed to you, watching helplessly as you stumbled into the house.

Amagai was pacing in the living room, his body tensing when he heard the front door. He put on an annoyed face as he headed toward the entryway of the manor. “Oi, it’s about damn -” the words died in his throat when he saw the state of you.

You were barely keeping yourself upright, bruises and cuts littering your skin. When you looked at him, your eyes were dead. There was no more fire, no more defiance. “You win,” you breathed out, no emotion in your voice. “You broke me. Congratulations, Amagai. You fucking win.”

Amagai swallowed hard, pain gripping him like a vice. He could only watch as you stumbled your way up the stairs.

Your words echoed in his mind like a mantra and every time he closed his eyes, he saw the dead look you had given him. It tortured him, invading his every thought, turning his every dream into a nightmare.

Weeks passed but you refused to leave your room. You barely ate, barely slept, and you wouldn’t say a word no matter how much he antagonized you. 

Amagai Kohei was a man that was used to getting his way. If he wanted something, he got it. When he first met you and heard the things you said about him, he was pissed. He wanted you to suffer, he wanted to break your spirit and extinguish the fire inside of you. As always, he had gotten his way.

This time was different, though.

He felt regret clawing at his insides. He wanted to see the fire in your eyes again. He wanted you to challenge him, to fight him. 

Taking a deep breath, he slowly approached your bedroom door, reaching his hand up to knock. He froze when he heard your sobs, heart racing in his chest. He threw the door open and rushed inside to find you curled up in a ball on the bed, the comforter curled around you like a barrier.

He didn’t know what to do, but he knew he needed to do something. “O-Oi, stop crying! You look even uglier than normal.”

You ignored him, unable to stop crying even if you wanted to.

He scowled, closing the distance between you. “Did you hear -” he reached out toward you and you winced in fear, pushing yourself back away from him. 

Fear flashed through your eyes as you recalled the beating you had received. He hadn’t been the one who did it, but he had ordered it and could easily do it again. You squeezed your eyes shut, covering your head. “Please…”

The whimper made something snap within him, tears filling his eyes. “Don’t… don’t be afraid of me, stupid… I… I…” He crawled onto the bed, throwing himself on top of you. He hugged you tightly, crying into your shoulder.

You froze up, not sure what to do. As long as you had known him, the only emotions you had ever witnessed was anger or arrogance. Now, he was sobbing against you like a scared little boy. It was a drastic change and part of you wondered if this was a trick.

“Hug me… please,” he whispered, so softly that you barely heard it. It wasn’t an order, it was a request.

You swallowed nervously, slowly wrapping your arms around his trembling body. He clutched onto you as if his life depended on it and that’s how the two of you remained for hours. His breathing eventually evened out, his body stilling as sleep claimed him.

You considered trying to get away, but thought better of it. He had a tight grip on you that tightened every time you moved. There was no way you could get away without waking him up so you chose to remain where you were.

After a while, your eyes started to grow heavy. Your body was exhausted from the emotional turmoil of the past few months and you were happy to let sleep claim you, to take you away to a better life.

───── ⋆⋅🍂⋅⋆ ─────

“The young master requests your presence.”

You glanced over at the butler standing in the door of your bedroom, face blank and arms folded behind his back. You hadn’t seen Amagai in a few days and you honestly felt nervous to see him again. Where the hell did you stand with him now? He had shown you a side of himself that you doubted anyone else has seen.

Reluctantly, you made your way toward his office. The door was open but you knocked anyway. He was sitting behind the large red oak desk, staring down at a stack of papers that sat in his hands.

“Enter.” He didn’t look at you as you entered the room, slowly approaching the desk. When you didn’t sit down, he finally glanced up at you. “Sit down.”

“I’d rather stand,” you mumbled, expecting him to get angry for disobeying him but he just nodded, returning his attention to the papers.

After a moment of silence, he finally set them down, sliding them over to you. You blinked at him, slowly reaching for them. They were emancipation papers.

Your brow furrowed. “You’re kicking me out?”

He couldn’t meet your eye, choosing instead to focus on the pens sitting in a square container. “I’m setting you free of your obligations to me.”

“Free?” You weren’t entirely sure what that meant anymore.

“You can leave this place and go wherever you want. Do whatever you want. You won’t answer to me anymore. All you have to do is sign it and I’ll send it off to our lawyer.”

You were aware of the possibility that this was a trick but… something inside of you told you that he was being genuine. As for why, well, that was another question entirely, one that you knew he wouldn’t answer.

You considered it for a moment, shifting your weight from one foot to the other. “Can I… can I ask for something else instead?”

His brow furrowed in confusion, dark eyes finally meeting yours. “Huh? I’m offering you freedom and you’re asking about something else?”

You set the papers back down onto the desk before bowing to him. “Please, Amagai… please don’t attack Oya. I know you’ve put a lot into this plan… I promise to remain in your service and I won’t fight you,” you paused, adding a much under your breath that had him scoffing.

“You’d give up your freedom for them?” He questioned in disbelief, feeling anger and jealousy swirling in his gut. What made them so damn special?

You slowly straightened your back, sending him a pleading look that threatened to steal his breath away. “They’re my friends… I’m begging you, Amagai!” And you bowed again, lower than the first.

The fact that you were asking this of him made him hate Oya even more. Not to mention all of the time, effort and money that he had put into this plan. You wanted him to throw all of that out the window? Amagai was a firm believer that his place was at the top and Oya was blocking his way.

“Stop bowing,” he muttered, running his hand through his hair in frustration. “Sign the damn papers.”

“No.” There was a spark in your eye. Not quite a fire, but it was a far cry from the dead look you had given him just a few weeks prior. “I don’t know why you suddenly changed your mind about this, but I’m offering a swap of terms. You’ll still have me to boss around.”

“You’re offering?” He scoffed in disbelief, standing up from the chair and beginning to pace back and forth in front of the large bay windows. “This isn’t a negotiation! Sign the damn papers!”

“I refuse.”

“You – you are infuriating!” He closed the distance between you, getting into your face. “Why are you adamant that I give up on Oya, hm? Because you think I won’t succeed?”

“I already told you why. They’re my friends.”

“Friends?” He laughed bitterly. “Bullshit.”

“It’s the truth,” you told him but he shook his head.

“I don’t believe you.” He searched your eyes, a thought coming to his mind. “Let me guess, you fell in love with one of them, right?” He spat out the words, each one laced with venom to hide the pain he felt.

“Love?” You scoffed, folding your arms over your chest. “I’m too busy trying to survive. You really think I have time to fall in love?”

A pang of guilt hit him and he shifted his weight. Part of him felt relieved, though he wasn’t sure why. When he spoke again, his voice was soft. “Sign the papers -“

Your lips parted but he raised his voice to cut you off.

“- and I won’t go after Oya.”

Your eyes widened in shock. Despite having been adamant about it, you never thought he would actually concede. Not only that, but he was willing to give you both. Despite yourself, you found the words slipping from your lips before you could stop them. “Do you want me gone that badly?”

“No,” he replied immediately, swallowing hard. For a moment, his lips parted and closed, his brain struggling to put his thoughts into words. Or rather, he found it hard to voice those words. He felt vulnerable in front of you and he hated feeling vulnerable. “I…”

You quirked a brow at him. “Use your words, Amagai. I don’t have all day.”

A laugh passed his lips and he reached up, resting his knuckles against your cheek. He couldn’t remember the imprint of his hand against your skin and he hated himself for it. He closed his eyes, closing the distance until his forehead rested against your own.

You were frozen on the spot, eyes wide and heart racing. What the hell was he doing? Why was he acting so strangely? You didn’t know but it scared you. It was so out of character for him. 

“Stay with me,” he whispered so softly that you almost didn’t catch it. 

You blinked, wondering if you had heard him right. “Sorry, what was that?”

He slowly opened his eyes, giving you a pleading look. “Stay with me. Don’t leave.”

“You literally just yelled at me to sign the papers,” you retorted, confusion filling you. “What game are you -“

“I think I’m in love with you.”

“Eh?” Time seemed to stop, your brain taking an embarrassingly long time to process the words.

With each second that passed by, Amagai looked more vulnerable, more uncomfortable. He was starting to regret his choice to bear his soul to you so willingly. He was waiting for you to laugh in his face.

“You think? You don’t actually know?”

He stepped back and looked away, rubbing the back of his neck. “I’ve never been in love before…”

“That’s not surprising,” you scoffed, folding your arms over your chest. “You know I’ll never forget what you’ve done to me. I’ll never forget the pain I felt after you had Suzaki beat the shit out of me. Sometimes I wake up and it feels like I’m back in that moment, an endless loop I can never escape.”

Amagai winced, a frown tugging at his lips. He knew he was an asshole. He knew that he had scarred you in a way that may never heal. Now, he was asking you to stay with him despite everything just to make himself happy. He swallowed hard, picking up the papers and holding them out to you, unable to meet your eye.

“Sign the papers and you’ll never see me again.”

You considered this for a moment. The rational part of your brain was telling you to run away, to put all of this behind you and start your life over, but… there was another part of you willing you to stay. You hated to admit it, but you had grown attached to Amagai’s presence. 

You were standing at a fork in the road, two paths branching off in vastly different directions. The choice you made here and now would alter the course of your life, though you weren’t sure if it was for better or for worse.

You’ve always been a firm believer in going with your gut over logic.

“I’ll never forget what you’ve done,” you repeated, slowly approaching the fireplace. You took a deep breath, throwing the papers into the fire. “But, with some time, I may be able to forgive you.”

His eyes widened in shock, watching the flames eating away at the papers. His eyes became glassy as he fought against the overwhelming emotions filling him. 

“Whether or not I forgive you will depend heavily on how you act from this point on. I’d suggest taking a course on how not to be an asshole,” you told him, folding your arms over your chest. “And how to treat your friends like friends and not tools.”

“You’re staying?” he whispered, sounding as if he didn’t believe it.

“I’m staying.”

In the blink of an eye, Amagai had closed the distance between you, arms wrapped tightly around your body as he buried his face in your neck. 

“And Amagai?”

“Kohei,” he corrected, lips brushing against your skin when he spoke.

“Kohei,” you repeated, feeling his grip increase at the sound of his name. “If you ever call me ugly duckling again, I’ll kill you.”

He laughed at the threat, a smile coming to his lips. He pulled back to rest his forehead against your own. “You’ve never been an ugly duckling.” He brushed his thumb beneath your lips, holding your gaze. “You’re my beautiful swan.”

The heat of his gaze took the breath from your lungs but you tried to act as if the words didn’t bother you. “And don’t you dare fucking forget it.”

───── ⋆⋅🍂⋅⋆ ─────

-> High&Low/Rampage Taglist: @kiraaaeon, @simpforchuchu, @star2fishmeg, @thatpoindexterpixy @manhwabtch

-> General Taglist: @asterhaze, @mrskenpachizaraki

[kob131]

Lily Orchard and Pokemon: Gen 1

Because the only response to this video should not be a four hour react stream highlight reel.

So Lily Orchard made a retrospective video on Pokemon...9 months ago that has risen back into prominence due to a Youtuber making a video on it, criticizing it.

It's also, again, a four hour video that's just a highlight reel of him reacting in real time to the video. Personally, I can't stand this kind of video so...

Here's what I have to say.

<---------------------------------------------------------------------------->

"Gen 1 bashing is done without merit!"

Lily argues that people bashing Gen 1 are doing so without any kind of merit, pointing out people complaining lacking features, having bugs and not having story. This she counters by saying "Pokemon story bad."

... I know that sounds reductive but the reason why I am saying this is because A- I already know what Lily thinks about the story of the game she's hinting at (Gen 5) and I can tell you she's not putting very much thought into this and B- that same foreknowledge and the fact that one of images she's using to represent this is a meme basically mocking people for preaching about Gens 4/5. ... So knowing her, she's just doing this to be contrarian.

This is a problem in her video because in her introduction, the thesis statement of this whole essay she is writing: she states that the goal of this video is to look back at the games and judge them as they hold up. Yet here she is shrugging off VERY big issues that seriously date Gen 1 and make it age horribly, which should be a major factor in Lily's assessment...because at best, she's being contrarian.

... That is not a good idea.

"*Insert her recaping the journey of Gen 1*"

Yeah, this is why I decided to take on this task. I already know most of Lily's video is going to be her detailing her playthrough of the games. This means fuck all to me for the most part as an autist I already have clear memory of all these games even years away from playing them so I can skip most of her video.

But this does mean that unless you're familiar with how arguments are structured in Youtube videos, like me- you'll have to wade through Lily's crappy attempts at a comedic retelling of the games to know what she thinks. Which makes a fucking four and a half hour long video draaaaag.

"See? Gen 1 doesn't hold you by the hand and lets you just fuck off!"

The idea here being that Gen 1 is good because it doesn't hand hold the player. Issue is- This is the first Pokemon game. By all accounts, because this game is introducing a rather new take on an underexplored gameplay style, tutorials such as these shouldn't be optional. Especially since money is so limited early in the game so you can't easily get more Pokeballs after wasting your supply on experimentation.

Having a quick catching tutorial showing that you need to weaken a Pokemon before catching it could alleviate any confusion. Pokemon can only get away with this due to it being so easy. ... A flaw that is going to rear its ugly head later on. She also ignores why the tutorials are so quick in the earlier gens- the tutorials became longer because they were integrated into the story and used to demonstrate characters. If you don't have a story or proper characters then of course the tutorials will go by quick. It also means there's less to stimulate the brain to encourage people to keep playing.

Pokemon's gameplay, minus any discussions of difficulty, has never been the most engaging. Turn based gameplay's flaw is that's very static and slow, meaning most of the time the act of playing the game doesn't stimulate. This is usually subverted by fancy animations, challenge or, in Pokemon's case- entertaining characters and self expression. The extra length of the tutorials is a side effect of the game's compensating for their less stimulating gameplay.

"See, early game bug types aren't bad! Poketubers are wrong because my Butterfree never lost a battle!"

This kind of exposes another issue of Lily's- she doesn't know what the hell she's talking about.

She takes issue with people calling Pokemoen like Butterfree bad by brushing off their complaints of 'Butterfree has no STAB moves!' by pointing out coverage and status moves. But she completely ignores that people brush off Pokemon like Butterfree for having no STAB moves because, since you have 6 slots on your team, it's pretty easy to get a diverse team that can cover whatever Butterfree does but through STAB. Psychic moves? Alakazam or Hypno. Sleep moves? Hypno, Venomoth or even Parasect. Stun moves? Literally any Electric Type.

Then we have her overlooking another aspect of Pokemon: Base Stats. For those who don't know: Base stats are a set of numbers that dictate what number a Pokemon's given stats are. Things like IVs/Evs/DVs and Natures act as multiplers to a base stat. So as you could guess- a base stat is the building block of a Pokemon and dictate how it plays. Butterfree's base stats in Gen 1 are (HP/ATK/DEF/SP.ATK/SP.DEF/SPD) 60/40/50/80/80/70.

For reference, Charmeleon has 58/64/58/65/65/80. A non-fully evolved Pokemon has roughly similar stats to a fully evolved Pokemon. And this is all exasperated by how easy the game is, because Butterfree's status move pool? Largely inefficient because if you actually know what you are doing- you will be able to KO a Pokemon faster through simply attacking with a stronger Pokemon than disabling it then attacking. And most gamers will default to the most efficient solution. Hence Butterfree's status as a bad Pokemon.

"See, the game is trying to tell you how good status moves are by enforcing it through Brock and Bide!"

Yet another case of Lily not knowing what she's slathering about because A. The actual effects of status moves don't matter, just that they don't deal damage. A better case would be a leader that uses status moves to their advantage.

And B. Lily says that Bide I'd the perfect move for Onix. ... Bide, a move that deals damage based on the amount of HP lost, is perfect for 9nix, a low HP and high defense Pokemon...meant to lose as little HP as possible.

Lily literally posts Onix's stats to prove her point when said stats contradict her.

"Blue isn't a mean rival! He's just a friendly rival and gamers praise Bianca and Cheren just cuz they suck off the player!"

What the fuck, where did that Cheren/Bianca stuff cone from?

Okay first- Blue starts the game by going "Gramps! I'm fed up with waiting!" and "Heh, I don't need to be greedy like you! Go ahead and choose-" and "WHAT? Unbelievable! I picked the wrong Pokémon!"

Blue is quite clearly not intended to be friendly nor likeable.

Second- People like Cheren and Bianca because they go through arcs related to the themes of Gen 5, with Bianca's desire to travel leading her on a journey of self discovery (truth) and Cheren learning that his valuing if strength may have been wrong (ideals). Do they say tge player is great at battling? Yes...because from the story's perspective, you are going X-0. They're reacting to this fact instead of shrugging it off.

"Lavender Town has no value aside from creepypastas and showing how weak Ghosts are to Psychic in this gen! It isn't that creepy!"

... Uh, Lily? You didn't bring up how you can only identify the ghosts after beating Sliph Co, who are so scary you can't even fight them. Or how the trainers in the Pokemon Tower all act very weird, almost like they're possessed. Or that the Tower has a fucking purifying circle 8n the middle. Or...you know...bringing up the fact called DEATH in this very kid-friendly world.

You uh...you do know what a 'retrospective' is, right?

"The game expects you to face challenges in order despite being open world!"

Lily, the game is not open world. You are still going through strict paths with locked off sections. This comes with the implication that you will be facing challenges in a linear order. You not understanding what the game actually is does not make it bad.

"See? Butterfree isn't bad! It's my best Pokemon!"

Lily, these games can be beaten by a six year old. I beat them as a six year old.

That means nothing.

"Ugh, Sliph Co is soooo bad! It's the worst in the game because it's obtuse and you can just exit to heal up! Rock Tunnel is SOOO much better for being challenging!"

... Lily, Rock Tunnel is full of dead ends and unlike Sliph Co- YOU CAN'T AVOID ENCOUNTERS UNLESS YOU STOCK UP ON REPELS.

You can also exit Rock Tunnel to heal too. No, 'challenge yourself by not exiting' is not a justification. You're just not thinking.

'Psychic types are only strong in theory! Status moves exist so do neutral hits! Super Effective STAB isn't the only path!"

But they ARE the most efficient. And for the average gamer, efficiency is king.

"You can crumble Alakazam with physical hits without super Effective hits!"

*proceeds to spend her entire footage locked in a Fly V. Recover loop when a Butterfree STAB could solve this*

Also gotta love that she goes off about Alakazam not having the tools to deal with Physical attacks...as it uses a move to halve Physical damage (Reflect).

And finally- She is using Sabrina as her example. Who is operating off Gen 1's wonky AI and keeps using Psywave. In the hands of, you know, a real person or a better AI who understands basic elements of the game- Alakazam can easily wreck teams with hard hitting Psybeams. And Alakazam's poor Physical Defense doesn't matter here because it's SPEED makes it so it will hit first and managle a team before they can counterattack. This is where Lily's refusal to understand competitive bites her. THIS is the issue people have.

"Nobody likes going through Seaform Islands!"

Okay this is another issue with Lily's video here: She doesn't engage with content that isn't directly in her face. Later she'll talk about how she doesn't care about things like cut mechanics and that she's focusing on gameplay but part of Pokemon's gameplay and the reason people like it is the sense of discovery you get from exploring the game. Like say...finding one of a kind Pokemon that are relatively strong but are hidden away in sections that are optional (Moltres, Articuno, Zapados and even fucking MEWTWO).

Like...the fuck Lily? All you're doing is just making a truncated let's play by this point.

Side note; Some of Lily's jokes do land at times. Like her commentary on how Giovanni acts after being defeated. Though she does call him 'elderly' strangely enough.

Also I JUST caught some of Lily's gameplay footage. Her Primeape's moveset is Submission, Strength, Rock Slide and...Thunderbolt. She wasted her Thunderbolt TM on a Pokemon with rock bottom Special...when she had fucking Rock Slide.

This is the woman talking as if she knows the mechanics of the game.

"Gen 1 and 2 are so good because they allow for player freedom unlike later Gens like 3 and 4 where GF TELL YOU how to play instead of letting you play how you wish!"

Hey remember earlier when Lily talked about how the game was supposedly 'open world' but complained about how there was a strict recommended order based on the badge numbers on the Trainer Card?

How the fuck is it that much different than just enforcing the order? Not to mention that, considering how fucked Johto's level curve is- that making a firm order where you can more easily control the difficulty is probably a GOOD thing.

And that's where Gen 1 ends. Overall- rather shallow. I also expect to be covering more Gens in posts since problems like these tend to be recurring issues and don't require being brought up all the time.

It's not as painful as Lily's usual stuff...but I feel that will change soon.

[papirouge]

Hi it's me, the anon who sent you the Romeo and Juliet black actress ask like a month ago lol (I try to sometimes take breaks from social media when it gets too stressful as a way to "detox" myself).

Thank you once again for the thoughtful answer. I try not to care about what men think and say on social media, but sometimes it can hurt (same goes when women talk badly about black women, specially when it comes from other bw). I'm trying to always be mindful and remind myself there are a lot of weirdos and trolls online so I shouldn't take their opinions to heart. I'm also trying to resist the urge to look at the comments section of a video I know it's going to make me mad.

Anyways, you said you were blocked by a black woman tiktoker for calling out her male pandering. I can understand that lol I literally just got blocked by a black woman on insta who insisted on defending black men leaving their children by basically blaming slavery "legacy" and white men for their absence 😐 Yet somehow I'm the vilain and traitor for actually holding them accountable. And all that mammying for what? For black men to then turn around and blame fatherless homes on black women?

What I'm personally passionate about, besides bw decentering men (specially deconstructing the black male worshipping), it's bw accepting their natural beauty and features. Specially our hair! I got into the whole leveling up/luxury movement for black women, which I love but it's amazing how even these women can't let go of the weaves. So many black women will get defensive when you question their worship of straight hair (or curly hair to a lesser extent) and swear up and down it's their choice because they personally prefer it that way, or their natural hair it's too complicated to take care of, and so on. And other races are picking up on the self hatred black women harvor; I saw a few days ago a tiktok by a pale skinned man and he was making fun of kinky type 4 hair. And you would think black women would be cussing him out on the comments section right? Nope. Literally they were agreeing, calling kinky hair ugly and saying crap like "My 4c could never!" 🙄 I understand why so many bw are insecure about their features, but I wish they would keep these comments to themselves and instead encouraged positivity.

I even see aggresive comments in videos where bw try to encourage other bw to love their natural hair and not succumb to the brainwashing of perceiving our hair as ugly or unkept. I mostly feel sorry for the young black girls seeing those type of comments from insecure bw who can't accept their hair and try to paint women accepting their natural hair as the aggresive ones for questioning their conditioning. It's just sad. Beauty standards for bw are crazy nowadays, the clownish drag queen makeup on many famous bw and influencers, the surgeries and beauty procedures, the hair products it's honestly maddening. There's a mental health crisis affecting black girls and women no one seems to want to acknowledge, higher suicide rates, insecurity about our looks and overcompensating for not being perceived as "femenine", rampant sexual assault, rape and dv... Even men have their issues being named "the male loneliness epidemic" yet bw have nothing like that...

I do have hope things will get better, I try to be positive on seeing the rise of leveling up content and bw trying to better themselves, even if not always perfect.

Hi anon! It makes me so happy to see you back! I love having anonq back and see what they've been up to🧡

I think that's something I probably already told you in my earlier response but, best advice I would give to any Black women is to divest from men. I think slavery/colonialism has made us the most male oriented racial demographic and we have so much work to do. But we have to accept we cannot "save" everyone and that black men worshipper will always be the dominant masses, and that bm will always find way to shun black women down. I could enumerate countless occurence where black men find excuse for their own shortcomings (blaming white supremacists, racism, crack epidemic beinf 'shoved' onto black communities as if Black ppl didn't have the brain to just not...take drugs, 'etc) BASICALLY all issues affecting bm is the cause of a SYSTEMIC pressure....but black women? Oh no we just bear the consequences of our individual actions and daring to argue that bm have a role in the alarming rates of single motherhood rates in the black community and them championning feminicide is "hating of black men". Well I guess I'm a Black men hater then

Oh and please, be careful with all those so called black women divestor who initially may come off as making great points (compelling Black women to open their dating option) but they will dogpile on any black women they esteem don't live up their weird BWE (black women emower) kumbaya. I used to follow one on TikTok, and she one day LASHED OUT at a Black creator who was more of the sjw/libfem type. Turns out she became pregnant with a bum and made videos to cope and saying she was just in love and gave in to give a chance to their "relationship". Well, that BWE chick went OFF ar her and made plentiful of video dragging her (directly stitching the black creator) and it was highkey so weird to witness bc girl, stop patronizing the life of someone you literally don't know??. The Black creator straight up told her to leave her alone and that shit lowkey told me that BWE creator had a tip on her shoulder.... I recently got my confirmation when she made yet another video dunking on a fellow black woman just because she had to audacity she didn't date... USAmerican black men. And that BWE creator was seething abt it, saying it was xenophobia (???) hm sorry but having dating preference ain't xenophobia - otherwise all the Black women bragging about NEVER daring a white men are racist/xenophobic too? And it was so ironic to see comments agree with the bwe creator saying non ADOS Black Americans are so xenophobic etc... while themselves emphasizing how that black creator she stitched was not ADOS and therefore other'ing her by her foreign black ethnicity 💀 I eventually made a comment calling them out for their clownery & hypocrisy in bothering a Black woman harmless dating preference and that they precisely behaved like the average black male dusty mad at Black women having preferences and that Usamerican men would NEVER clown a non ADOS Black man not waiting to date Black women. This behavior was so typically female catfight STILL fighting to defend Black Americans honor/desirability when they very obviously don't deserve this caping. .....ANYWAYS : she blocked me💀 Morality: don't believe all those BWE bc most of them still have their deep seated Black men Worship in them (even if it's just ADOS)

The ONLY black 'BWE'(?) creator I would recommend you is Chrissie. She passed the vibe check so many times.. I'm not surprised she doesn't really get along with all those BWE channels bc she indeed clocked them out big time with their deep seated black men worshipping/obsession and bitterness. I'm not exaggerating when I say her channel changed my life. She set the record straight with bw hating their natural hair (I REALLY recommend this video), gives us awesome strategy to deal with colorists (which has been very useful for me when interacting with a colorist bm online) etc

What I love so much abt Chrissie is that since she's INTJ and I an INFJ, her way lf thinking are quite similar and every she says falls into place so smoothly in my head. I also like homegirl has a life outside YouTube and that she pivoted her content more about levelling up and not those gettho ass colorism/wig discourses. She basically said what she said, her old videos about lt are still here, but she clearly said she was moving upwards, and I love it for her.

I truly recommend her channel bc I feel all your questioning (beauty standards in the Black community, colorism, featurism, etc.) will be answered there (Chrissie has made A LOT of video - I recommend you the longest/live bc she browse through a lot of topics)

Oh and one last thing about self care/love as a black woman : surround yourself with people who look LIKE YOU. Eons ago, I followed here on Tumblr a girl who made a magazine, and it featured onlt White models. The girl was indian, and she suffered from some pathologic hate for her face and I couldn't help but think that the reason she might feel this way is because she surrounded with the physical archetype of what the fashion industry deemed as beautiful : skinny, white, blonde, etc. This user remained in my head as to what NOT to do to level up my sense of self worth and love for my features. I basically have a (private) board on my Pinterest dedicated to beautiful black women. Those who look like me : 4c hair, wide round nose, darkskin... I browse it whenever I try to find inspiration for my art but also find model bases for my model benchmark for my upcoming shootings.

Even on Tumblr you won't see me reblog white/non Black women like that. I want to platform Black women FIRSTHAND.

YOu saw what they did with east asian men : they were saw has major lower barrel 20 years ago. Today, thanks to kpop/Korea soft power corrective promotion marketing tactics, Koreans/east asians men are rivaling with white men in terms of attractiveness & sex appeal for younger generation. That's what I want for black women. I want to show that black can & HAVE to expand their dating option to have fulfilling dating life, and be respected by other demographic of men.. that's also why I'm working on magazine for that purpose...but huuish it's still a secret 👀

[sarahjswift]

Chapter 2 of my New Fanfic!

STILL working on a title...hopefully a song lyric from Taylor though! If you have any ideas, tell me in the comments!

I have about 4 chapter already written, so you should get them maybe every other day before uploads become farther apart :) as always, huge thanks to my Tumblr bestie @backtobl4ck

Warnings: Language, Light Smut 👀, Slight Mention of Self-Harm Word Count: 1.2k

This room was a piece of shit.

Aelin dumped her bag onto the floor and glanced around the room. It was so tiny that only a small hospital single bed fit in it. The floor had the same ugly carpet as that other room, and a tiny - barred - window sat above the bed frame. A tiny cactus rested on the windowsill in a desperate attempt to bring cheer to the room. 

She collapsed on the bed, exhaustion clouding her vision. It had been a busy week, and she tried to recount it. Monday, the intervention. Aedion had been there, and that was it. That was everyone who cared about her, one fucking person, who happened to be her family member. Then Tuesday, Aedion sleeping over to “check on her” and researching help for her. Wednesday telling her about this place and packing. And now Thursday, here. 

Aelin stared up at the ugly popcorn ceiling, thinking of her new home - the “Whitethorn Rehab Center”. It was a nice enough place, and its patrons seemed like good people. But they had all mixed together and Aelin didn’t remember any of them. Well, that wasn’t true. Her new therapist - she remembered him. 

She hoped none of her surprise had shown on her face when she first saw him. He was easily the most handsome man she had ever seen, with soft brown skin and beautiful silver hair. Aelin thought of his jaw dropping eyes. They were green and seemed to be probing her entire being.

Once, she would have found him tempting. Once, she would have blushed to be in his presence. Once, she would have gotten his number and slowly seduced him until they were dating and obsessed with each other. 

But all the desire and love had drained out of her 12 months and 4.5 days ago. 

____

Aelin did nothing but nap until one of the nurses took her to eat dinner in a large cafeteria. Although the room was crowded with people, it was mostly silent except for some murmuring. 

“You are going to sit with your therapy group,” the nurse said. She looked like a sweet woman, with dark brown skin and black curls. Her eyes were blue and soft, understanding. Her name tag read Eillia. “Go grab some food, hon. I’ll just be over in the corner.” She walked away to where a group of other nurses were standing. 

Aelin watched her go before turning and sitting down at the table she had been shown. She wasn’t hungry - in fact, the smell of the food in the cafeteria made her nauseous. She hadn’t had an appetite in twelve months. 

A woman she recognized from therapy - Lysandra - sized her up, her emerald-colored eyes darting up and down Aelin’s body. “Can I help you?” Aelin snapped, annoyed with the woman’s obvious distaste. 

“I don’t know, can you?” Lysandra purred, her voice lilting and seductive. Aelin raised an eyebrow and snorted, shaking her head. “Okay then. Don’t pick fights you can’t win.”

A dart of fury went through Aelin, and she opened her mouth to protest before a man with carrot-colored hair cut in. “Ladies, let’s just eat. No need to make enemies on your first day!” He chuckled nervously, taking a bite of his macaroni and cheese. 

“So Lucas, how long have you been here?” another woman asked him. She was soft-spoken, pretty and demure. Elide. 

Aelin tuned them all out as they all began chatting. She didn’t have the time for mindless small talk. She wanted to scream, she wanted to flip the table over and shatter the windows. How could these people talk and laugh when the love of her life was gone forever, and she would never see him again?

Her breath was coming faster and faster, her chest heaving. She spotted Lucas’s knife on the table. Glancing around, Aelin swiped it, quickly stuffing it into her pocket. 

For later. She’d need it for later.

______ 

The club was loud, and crowded, and way too hot. Rowan shoved through the mass of bodies, trying to make his way to the bar. He was already regretting coming with Lorcan, who had disappeared and was likely flirting with some woman somewhere. The haze of drunkenness swept through Rowan’s mind, blurring his senses. He wasn’t wasted, but he definitely wasn’t tipsy. 

Finally, he reached the bar. The barmaid was a pretty woman with pale skin and red curling hair. She looked at Rowan, giving him a once-over, and her red lips curved into a smile. “How can I help you?” Her voice was raspy. 

“A tequila shot, please,” Rowan answered. She turned and bent down a little too far, making sure Rowan saw the view. As she prepared his drink, she peered at him through her lashes. “What’s got you drinking alone? Where’s your girlfriend?” 

“No girlfriend,” Rowan said roughly. “You?” 

The barmaid shrugged. “Situationship.” Rowan nodded and took the shot. “I’m Remelle,” she said, leaning across the bar. 

“Rowan.”

___

Thirty minutes later, they were making out against the club building. Remelle tasted like whiskey and cinnamon, and she smelled like a bar in the best way possible. Rowan was drunk and horny, and she was a perfect fix. 

They stumbled toward the parking lot, Remelle laughing huskily as Rowan tripped on a rock. They reached Rowan’s car and locked themselves inside. Rowan pulled the backseat down and when he turned back to look at Remelle, she was only in her underthings. She grabbed Rowan’s shirt and tugged him to her, bringing her mouth to meet his. 

          He ran a possessive down her leg, which she curled around his waist. Remelle pulled his shirt off and let out breathless giggles at the sight of his top half. “What?” Rowan growled, kissing down her collarbone. 

       “So muscular, shit,” Remelle snorted. She let him lay her on the extended car seat and watched lazily as he kissed his way down, down….

After they were done, Remelle propped herself up on her elbow, looking down at Rowan. Her hair tickled his face, and he closed his eyes. She leaned down and kissed him roughly, biting his lip for good measure, before turning and beginning to pull her clothes back on. 

“Sorry if I didn’t make it clear before, but I’m not looking for a relationship,” she informed him, buttoning up her black work shirt. “Just wanted some release. Stressed out from school and all.”

“I don’t want anything either. Just some quick bangs sometimes,” he replied, full of relief she felt that way too. 

Remelle laughed and looked at him fondly. “I’m glad we’re on the same page. You’re hot.” Rowan snorted and rolled his eyes. Remelle took his face in her hands and pressed her lips to his. “My number is on the condom packet,” she breathed before walking out the car. 

Rowan watched her go, the quick satisfaction of their actions leaving quickly, self-loathing sinking in. He was a therapist, for fuck’s sake. He was using the coping mechanisms of his patients, habits he’d said himself were toxic. Yet here he was, using other’s bodies for a quick distraction before his memories came back.

He got dressed, sent Lorcan a quick explanation text, and drove home, the alcohol wearing off. He got home at 1:23 am and didn’t even shower before sinking into his mattress, his unhappiness surrounding him like a cloud. 

But one image stayed in his mind as he sank into sleep - a picture of beautiful blue eyes.

[polaesims]

Get to know you - Sims Style

Thank you @puffkins2000 for the tag! 💕

What’s your favorite Sims death?

Tbh I'm not big on killing my sims (boring, boooo) so I'd say good ol' old age, especially cause bitches be dying at the wildest moments. But if you want me to be more fancy, I love drowning specifically in floor.

Alpha CC or Maxis Match?

Maxis Match all the way!!! I only use alpha or alpha-ish cc when I can't find MM alternative.

Do you cheat your sims weight?

Nah, never and frankly I never had to... like my sims just stay one weight their entire life unless I play with a gym freak.

Do you move objects?

Always. The grid is my enemy, moo is my saviour.

Favorite Mod?

Consort Age Mod, cause I love generational gameplay and seeing my sims slowly go gray is so nostalgic to me, and Zodiac Sings Mod, cause I was tired of twins getting different zodiac signs...

First Expansion/Game Pack/Stuff Pack?

For TS2 I got a lot of them at once cause they were hand-me-downs from my mum's friend's daughter. For TS3 it was Late Night, I remember it vividly cause my dad thought the lady in a bikini on the cover was inappropriate.

Do you pronounce live mode like aLIVE or LIVing?

Neither, cause I play in my native language (it's way more memable), but if I had to choose LIVing speaks to me more.

Who’s your favorite sim that you’ve made?

Long story, strap in. So when I was still in highschool, I created a joke save to share with my friends and I made this elderly man whom I named Andrzej and he was a menace. He was a womaniser alchemist, who had like 20 children (5 of which I kept in household, and they were as chaotic as their father) and then became a kung fu master, married a werewolf and finally impersonated a Goth family member and stole their fortune. I love him. Andrzej forever in my heart.

Have you made a simself?

Yep!! I posted her!! She's way prettier though cause girlie's symmetrical. I usually just drop myself and my bf into my world and see what story progression does with me. (as of now I have 3 kids as a kids hater ;-;)

Which is your favorite EA hair color?

The black one I guess... I rarely use the presets cause they're ugly af.

Favorite EA hair?

The one from Island Paradise, the updo with strands framing the face.

Favorite life stage?

Young Adult or teens. I like teens more when I make mischievous bastards.

Are you a builder or are you in it for the gameplay?

I can't build to save my life, but I love to decorate!! I'm mostly for the gameplay though (and making sims).

Are you a CC creator?

Yep! I'm new to this but I hope I'll keep getting better.

Do you have any Simblr friends or a Sim Squad?

Not yet, I'm still figuring out Tumblr in general, but I have some mutuals, I hope to become friends with 😊!

Do you have any sims merch?

Nah, I never found anything subtle enough, cause I don't do on the nose merch very often (except band tees).

How has your “Sims style” changed throughout your years of playing?

I used to use an UNGODLY amount of cheats...mostly cause I was a kid, but I would make a pretty sim with loads of CC, then play for a few months with that one sim (mostly being a hoe) and get bored eventually. Nowadays I'm a big generational player and I can play with one family for several years. Just a couple months ago I finally finished playing with a family I started 4 years ago.

Who’s your favorite CC creator?

@sim-songs, @twinsimming, @pixelfrogslegs, @aroundthesims, @bioniczombie, @nectar-cellar, @nightospheresims, @rollo-rolls, @faerielandsims.

How long have you had Simblr?

Literally not even a month, but I felt instantly welcomed to this amazing community!!

How do you edit your pictures?

I use Procreate and then PicsArt on my iPad.

What expansion/gamepack is your favorite?

I just play TS3 nowadays so for that I will say Generations for sure!! I also can't live without University and Seasons. They are my big three.

I don’t know who to tag tbh... I feel like most of my mutuals already did that plus I'm new here so I'm kinda shy but let's say that I tag anyone that is interested in doing this and hadn't been tagged. Like you can say I tagged you!!

[lyxthen-reblogs]

Seeing this on my dash again. I already did it for Andy but now it's WYNN TIME!!

1. Whiskey, or whatever hard-liquor equivalent they have in Ntariv (look girl I haven't gotten around to worldbuilding alcoholic drinks yet). Either that or just plain water with ice lmao (recoveringalcoholiccore)

2. Grooming? Girl this man showers once a week and has to be dragged into it. I'm just half joking. He really doesn't care that much. He does shave tho, when he remembers too. He doesn't like the feeling of beard.

3. He actually donates a lot of money to charity and stuff. His most expensive thing is his dog, a real fancy dog, bigger than a horse, I'm talking some high-fantasy high-status dog. This breed was created by the royalty for the royalty, because who else has the money to feed such a creature!! They are not practical, nor really useful, and though you can ride them it's not really recommended. They are called "warhounds" but really they are just a fancy pet rich people have. And oh how much he loves his little puppy, good girl, best girl. He spoils her so much. Also drugs and hoes depending on the period of his life we are talking about.

4. Yes he has scars! Quite a lot of them. Again, he got them in the war. He also has chronic pain in one of his legs, and he uses a cane. He can get around without it for a little but he very much needs it to get around.

5. Just like Andy, this guy cries a lot. He was probably drunk or something. But he also cries of happiness, like, he ugly cried when he got married and when his dog had puppies. He's the sentimental sort. A soft hearted dude.

6. They are an only child and an orphan (mom died when they were 7, though he was very neglected. Dad left). Raised by the comunity, and particularly close with a witch elder. He learned music from her. Hold up I actually have a meme

(I made this months ago lol)

7. Leather boots.

8. Already did that in my other post. He sleeps with his spouse!! He embroidered the curtains himself and all. He likes to make things like that. Though lately he hasn't been feeling good enough for that...

9. Winter solstice.

10. Oh, just the reasonable! When he goes out, he has his cane (ofc), watch, badges, pencil and paper, notebook, knives, wallet, keys, a loaded gun... Your usual. When he's in the house, he has just one knife, his cane, and a pencil. He's an accountant. He helps his spouse evade taxes and launder money. He works from home.

So my problem with most ‘get to know your character’ questioneers is that they’re full of questions that just aren’t that important (what color eyes do they have) too hard to answer right away (what is their greatest fear) or are just impossible to answer (what is their favorite movie.)  Like no one has one single favorite movie. And even if they do the answer changes.

If I’m doing this exercise, I want 7-10 questions to get the character feeling real in my head. So I thought I’d share the ones that get me (and my students) good results: 

What is the character’s go-to drink order? (this one gets into how do they like to be publicly perceived, because there is always some level of theatricality to ordering drinks at a bar/resturant)

What is their grooming routine? (how do they treat themselves in private)

What was their most expensive purchase/where does their disposable income go? (Gets you thinking about socio-economic class, values, and how they spend their leisure time)

Do they have any scars or tattoos? (good way to get into literal backstory) 

What was the last time they cried, and under what circumstances? (Good way to get some *emotional* backstory in.) 

Are they an oldest, middle, youngest or only child? (This one might be a me thing, because I LOVE writing/reading about family dynamics, but knowing what kinds of things were ‘normal’ for them growing up is important.)

Describe the shoes they’re wearing. (This is a big catch all, gets into money, taste, practicality, level of wear, level of repair, literally what kind of shoes they require to live their life.)

Describe the place where they sleep. (ie what does their safe space look like. How much (or how little) care / decoration / personal touch goes into it.)

What is their favorite holiday? (How do they relate to their culture/outside world. Also fun is least favorite holiday.) 

What objects do they always carry around with them? (What do they need for their normal, day-to-day routine? What does ‘normal’ even look like for them.) 

[lesbianmaxevans]

I might be in the minority but I was shipping Maria and Michael in the reboot I liked him and Kyle too but idk I was more into Michael and Maria at least Max and Liz didn't break up or anything too bad the show was cancelled D: (I know the showed ended a while ago but I was marathoning it recently)

sjghdaasdkjfdsjh idk what prompted this since I don't talk much about roswell anymore but hi 👋. michael/maria wasn't my vibe personally (I don't love that they had sex before she knew anything about aliens + the cover up), but I very much preferred it to m@lex. I was really into maria/dallas in the final season but if the writers hadn't gone that route I honestly think maria/kyle would've made more sense than kyle/isobel ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ also I'm a huuuuuuuuuuuge maria/max shipper like if we're specifically talking canon plot that's my #1 ship actually

and idk if you're looking for a rant or not akfjdhdsjkhf but honestly I have a ton of issues w how max and liz's rship was written post mid season 2. I loathed the mad scientist plot in s2 and it was worse when the writers revisited it in s4. the show from day 1 was promoted as max and liz's story and after s1 their rship takes a backseat - s2 they have like 2 episodes together before the mad scientist bullshit, s3 they only interact in like 5 episodes (3.03, 3.09, 3.10, 3.12, 3.13 if my memory serves me correctly), s4 finally seemed to be on the right track before liz basically threw a tantrum at max exercising some bodily autonomy and then she goes mad scientist again and max just reluctantly accepts it all when he should just walk away. and then the finale basically just rejects everything the show set up in s1 - I'm convinced if someone watched the pilot and immediately followed it up with the series finale they would not believe it was the same show. max has spent 4 seasons being self-sacrificing to a fault and now he's going to oasis to save everyone on that planet (literally the thing that clyde wanted to do and that the group killed him for???? make it make sense!) and as far as he knows this could kill him - he technically died when he revived rosa, what will healing a planet do to him?? and honestly the tail end of s4 plays out as the writers punishing liz - she starts losing her memories and literally cannot be a scientist anymore (which is teased that it is going to be fixed off-screen but.... still incredibly ugly given how important science is to her) and then rosa leaves, max leaves, she can't confide in her dad bc he was never let in on the alien secret (do not get me started on my rant about this)... 4.01 sets up her arc to be overcoming her abandonment fears and max's proposal is relentlessly teased all season just for the fake out with alex proposing and michael immediately accepting (cause that makes sense when just a couple months ago he could barely handle the thought of moving in w alex) and then the writers completely bulldoze a proposal it's just 'hey yeah I'm leaving but let's call ourselves engaged' and as I've already said, max leaves. so...... how is that helping liz overcome her abandonment fears lol. I just viscerally hate 95% of the final season. and pretty much every second of the final two episodes.

anyway..... long winded way to say that I am not sorry about the cancellation, I wish it had happened before s4 had been made.

[caz-is-gay]

so. currently actually sobbing bc i made the horrible decision to look through techno’s channel. i saw the gravity mod vid he posted after the announcement that he had cancer. i remember being so happy. sbi content! god. i still haven’t watched the video. yknow the one. a year ago i tried to watch squids video on part of the potato war. i didnt get 3 mins in b4 i heard his voice (he was celebrating!! he was happy!) and started crying. maybe in a decade ill be able to watch it and smile. and ill be able to watch the new one, and old ones and laugh like i used to. i looked through the community posts. he really loved birds, didnt he? i feel so bad for his dad.

june 2022. worst month of my life i think. everything happened at once. on june 1st lizzy was over. i was so desperately in love with her. still in denial about the inevitable friend zone. we went to zydecos grad party! she left halfway through to call her ex. they got back together. the facade was broken. obviously she didn’t like me back and anything romantic with her is a pipe dream. (i mean who would ever love to be attracted to an ugly fat pig like me?) so lizzy is over. im trying to ignore the heartbreak. then i hear the news. techno died. my sister hears it from a friend and tells me. the ppl we have over dont get it. they dont get why it hits me so hard, and god i dont want to explain it. so i pretend im fine. keep hosting, keep being nice. every second is agony! i cry myself to sleep. that had stopped a few months ago. i wasnt suicidal anymore but god. 2 weeks later im starting to back to *normal* levels of summer break depression. my dad finds out. he loved techno. im gone again. my mom fonds out, she doesn’t know who he is., doesn’t know the other 3 ppl at the table have already been grieving. shes lost so many to cancer. “did you hear about that minecraft youtuber who died of cancer? he was only 23, its so sad” i didnt know what to say. “yes i watched him everyday for 4 years his videos were the only thing that could get me to sleep when i started having suicidal thoughts if not for him i wouldn’t be here and now he dead.” yeah.

i still didn’t get over lizzy for months. fantasizing about a life with her was my escape. it was unrealistic and i couldn’t think about her like that anymore. then my dad brought covid home from work. june 23rd, my mom almost dies. thats the worst day of my life. it was mcc day. i was watching it on my tv, because my dad went to see his parents and mom was sick. she had been in bed for days. she got sick a lot. she had bronchitis for 10 years at this point. i was taking care of her. she was obviously delirious. asking me to pour water on her because she was so hot. i didnt know what to do. i waited for so long. i couldn’t deal with this right now i needed to de stress not have more. it got too much, i called my dad and he said she must have high blood sugar. fuck. i looked at her insulin log, nothing written for 2 days. fuck fuck fuck. he told me, if she cant draw her own blood for a reading, call 911. so we did. she could have died. if i waited any longer she could have passed out and stopped breathing. she went to the hospital. medically induced coma, intubated. she had told us many times shed rather die than be on a ventilator. none of us mentioned it. she was in a coma for 2 weeks. woke up, had to be in vent for longer. she was finally extubated. she couldn’t talk but she managed to be sarcastic still. i had to hold back tears. best day of my life.

that month changed the course of my life forever. my disability was most likely caused by the mild covid infection i got b4 my mom got sick. my mom doesn’t have a fungal lung infection anymore. my parents are sleeping in the same room again, and going to therapy. my mom has a cgm and a cpap and is on top of her health.

i cant stand the sounds of artificial breathing after sitting next to her for so long. im more afraid of my future than ever. im still getting over my best friend (fuck being demiromantic man) and i am still crying over technoblade.

[theorist-influencer-untitled]

6.2.24 Sunday

7:55 am

Bonjing ( Uncle DD ) is here ... I really don't like him... Another conspiracy plan for today to bump my washed clothes???

Uncle Jun is really closer on them,their dreams are coming true... Their dreams are starting to grow as one??? They are family as one,united with one goal and one agenda???

Uncle Jun shared his eye drops on Uncle DD's gang this morning... I saw him getting his eye drops and going to the other house. Crysette went here few minutes ago to ask for an eye drop. I said we are out of eye drops already. Then, I saw Uncle Jun getting his eye drops.

Uncle DD's character is like the owner of 60 formula huskies that he is proving that he cares but not real....

Their house there is sosyal or somehow upper coz of the colour of the paint... They can feel the sosyal way....Well, people can progress if their hearts are real but on the case of Uncle DD, it is really scary....I'm doubting if he is a good person....

The colour of the wall of their house is somehow medium beige, it is really beautiful and it gives a different aura... It is like a fresh upper ambience.

8:30 am

Still,have windblow...

Tomorrow is the day of my prayers to get a job again... To start again on my own... Oh! God please help me...

9:54 am

Crysette ( Crysette Sotto ) awhile ago went here again and gave a box of finger goods for nana... I said is it for nana only? She said yeah! It was given by her mama ( Aunt Karen )... The finger goods are mixed of banana chips, peanuts and sunflower seeds.

Now,the family ( collective noun ) of Sotto is inside their medium beige wall house....

Can I say? If only those beige walls can talk? Talk of their whatever secrets they have...

12:59 noon

It looks like Uncle Jun is frustrated on creating their tandems with the other house... I wonder what are their heart's content???

4:52 pm

Still,have windblow...

I just review awhile ago and will just keep on scanning and reviewing some "computer short cut keys" again and again... Shit! Where these review will lead... Hoping and praying I can get success, coz I need money and I need to pay my creditz and I wanna save for my vanity like my nose perfection.

I'm worrying so much of my future... I still can't get a real bf to assist me in life... The one that I think I can be mutually happy with, looking on some same direction...

But for now I need to get a job coz I badly need money... I really do feel fat,ugly and old for nothing...

Still,enjoying watching Cecelia.... She is so good on doing her film vlogging... I admire and in a way I envy her in a good way.

I really wanna leave Cavite but I know I can't... I feel hopeless and bitter... I feel so ugly and fat... I really wanna do a breast implants...

5:05 pm

Will he save me??? Will he... Will he come my way... Crazy me! Crazy2x me...

5:21 pm

Mikusova... Nice...

5:27 pm

I need to stretch or exercise... I have gas in my chest down to my stomach... Weird....I have S-bones pain.... Shit!

7:05 pm

Still,have windblow...

Probably coz of the bananas that I ate yesterday... I made it as banana-q, I almost ate everything hahaha...

Well, I did have "gerd" from the past months and years...

7:37 pm

Still,have windblow...

It is weird this radio station there is a background voice lately saying "help me" having a foreign accent....Hmm... Should I say help me? Or do I need to help someone? But I don't have a money now...Help you? What? Where?

8:11 pm

Still,have windblow...

I'm not a bad person but I'm not stupid... But I chose to be a good person, to be fair....

8:38 pm

Still,have windblow...

Strange, I feel heavy on Uncle DD...I don't know why...

[nathank77]

4/9/24

2:39 a.m

So I've spent like 2 or 3 hours being tortured by my auditory hallucination trying to shop on lens crafters.. and once again my face dimensions are not accommodated for.

Idk what to do, for one they don't have hinge to hinge so I've been comparing lense width with nose bridge to what does fit me.

I'm in love with these....

Once again bc I have a, "fat face" there is no way it'll fit me. My current Ray-Bans are 55 lense width, 17 nose bridge and 139 hinge to hinge... I compared Eyebuydirect to lens crafter since LC doesn't have hinge to hinge, how does it compute to fucking 136? I don't fucking get it. It should be like 137-138 at least.

Either way I feel hopeless, my ideal lense width so my eyes are closer to the center (it looks nicer esthetically, since we know my focal point can be adjusted if I do it in store) is like 53...

We already know my ideal hinge to hinge is 139 or maybe even 140 or bigger.....

Nose bridge depends on nose pads and lense height....

If I'm spending 200$ on glasses I'm getting no bigger than 32 lense height. Sorry not sorry I like the tinier lense height it highlights my features better.

I was wrong about the west farms location being closed... I could still go...

Either way I'm thinking bc of my "fat man face" I'm stuck in wire frames.... I want my eyes close to the center. I want room for my finger under my glasses to touch my temple.....

I mean I'm thinking I'll go to some Eyewear companies nearby and try on frames and see what they cost... idk......

Sue me but I don't want to pay 200$ for silver wire frames or even black ones. I want thick black full frames or black half frames.

I mean I would drop like 100$ on silver wire frames that fit well and my eyes are closer to the center but.... I'm broke. I feel so hopeless.

My MacBook runs like molasses on the lens crafters site at least. And with combining gaming clips and uploading videos to youtube.

I got to go to west farms for the apple store soon anyways... bc of that purple screen of death I got a couple times months ago but I've been too overwhelmed with my life to do anything but my doctors appts...

Anyways, this is why I'd rather accept I can't see well.. run around to different glasses stores in town have every pair I like be too small. Try on ugly ass wire frames that cost 200$ with lenses and yea they'll work but I'm broke. I care about being stylish.

If I got to be a geeky nerd, I at least want to like my Eyewear especially when it comes to it being expensive......

Don't get me wrong a silver wire pair with center eyes that fit my head, half frames would probably look nice on me but there are other styles that would look better.....

Anyways, I'm not allowed to write or think or focus on anything or watch or listen to things without hearing my shitty hallucination...

If I stare mindlessly at this TV I can hallucinate significantly less. So this experience made me not want to even try to find glasses.....

Idk I'm done with comparing this frame with that frame, and being like wow those Ray-Bans above are perfect. My eyes would be almost center... but it would be like squeezing my head into a vice....

And that's the story for all of them and then when I find things I like in my face dimensions, my eyes are near the nose pads.

It really seems like wire frames are my only option.

They can have a wider hinge to hinge and have a smaller lense width. I mean I'll wear them but I'm a nerd. And I want to try to look attractive at the very least.

If Elise really is here, she doesn't get how attractive I find her. She's prettier than any woman I have ever seen like Megan fox is a 5 compared to her. Jessica biel is a 5. Kate from lost is a 5.

And I want Elise to think I'm handsome. Even if we are just friends... I don't want her to be like here is my geeky ugly friend. With his nerdy glasses. She wouldn't say that but I don't want her to think that I'm like a total nerd.

Anyways maybe I'll do west farms on Saturday but lens crafters closes so early... i am starting to think I should try local places and try on frames and if I find one that fits that I like I can have them make my lenses if it's affordable.

[mellow-worlds]

I forgot whether I said this already so I'll tell you now. A while ago I asked him "what am I?" in my weak whispering voice and he called me disgusting again. He called me a whore, too. It didn't really do anything with me, though. Well, I was happy he answered my request to call me things and it did feel kinda good, but no butterflies. I just thought about how I said "I'm yours" and he said "yes you are". That gave me butterflies :)

But we haven't really done stuff like that in a while. Last time he spat on me twice, and he hit me about 4 times. I just hope he does it because he likes it. I hope he doesn't restrict himself in fear of hurting me. He choked me, but also not as much. Honestly, it didn't occur to me that he did it less for most of the time, ig I didn't really miss it. Buttttttttt like I said I don't want him to restrict himself.

It's got me thinking though. Idk. I've been reading "Normal People". It's got me thinking. It's clear that I like the degradation because it's what I deserve and it makes me feel good and special maybe and reassured. It's like yeah, I am stupid and worthless and ugly. Buttttttttt the physical pain? Idk. I like how degrading it feels. I like the choking, I tihnk. I like thinking about how he hits me. I like thinking "this is the guy who hits me" when he's being his usual, sweet self again. There's two versions of him, kind of.

If he wants to hit me senseless, I'd want him to do it. Ig we haven't talked about it enough for me to really know. We should do that.

When I phantasize about him, I only think about cuddling with him, and about how he kisses me. I like the sexual stuff as well, but I just want to be held. Plus getting on my knees for him is exhausting..... It hurts and is unpleasant for the most of it. But I like it when he shows signs of liking whatever it is I do. And I think he likes degrading me that way as well. I guess I should like that as well, how submissive one has to be for that.

The weirdest thing is, he lent me Normal People. He said he really likes romance books and then he gave it to me so I could read it. I asked him recently how long ago it was he read it and he said a couple months. I asked him how much he remembers. He said he'd remember most of the things prolly if I told him about them. Idk. It feels weird. Marianne develops an eating disorder. She gets super depressed. Connell wants to kill himself. Marianne gets abused by her boyfriend. Connell is made to look like this super good innocent guy who'd never hit her and it's so virtuous of him. Idk it feels weird. I won't talk about these aspects and I don't think he knows I want to die and that I used to have like every ed. Back then when I actually used to, yk. I'm not gonna talk about these aspects of the book. Maybe I should. Marianne and I are just too similar and I'd feel too vulnerable. I'd feel too exposed. I should talk with him about it though. I don't have to mention it regarding the book, but we should talk about it. He should maybe know about my past. I feel like I shouldn't bring it up though. Connell at some poitn asks Marianne why she didn't tell him before that her family abused her and stuff and she said she thogught he wouldn't like her anymore. I have the same fear. I'm not the person he thought I was when he started liking me. It's unfair. He deserves better. GOSH he deserves better. GOSHHHHHHHHHH what am I doing. I feel so selfish.

The connection that bonds Marianne and Connell. He could make her do anytihng if he wanted to. It's the same for him and me. He could make me do whatever and as long as my physical discomfort wasn't too great I'd do it.

Today I had the thought that I can't live my life for myself, so I live it for him. But that's a lie, isn't it? I'm super selfish. I always only have my best interests in mind. I'm so selfish. I don't think I should push my interests onto him. I don't think I should be so selfish. I am. I always pull back when something becomes too straining for me or when I just don#t want to do soething. GOSH I'm so selgish. I don't knwo what I'm doing this for. I thought about writing him this long letter about how I view our relationship and what I get out of it and blablabla but it'd be too selgish. I can't do that. It would just consist of I love you please don't hate me even though I deserve to be hated please stay with me because I indulge in your company and because I need you to be happy and because I'm like a sad dog when I'm not with you and alone please you're the most perfect person ever. There's nothing you can't do. You're perfect. I indulge in your company so selfishly. You shouldn't have to take care of me and I'll try to be as little of a nuisance as possible, but I'm so selfish I doubt I'll succeed at making you feel easier so I apologize for taking up yuour time for wasting your precious time because you are precious. I don't kniw how someone as worthless as me could be selfish enough to spoil something as beautiful as your existence by trying to become a part of me and I apologize. You could get rid of me whenever you wanted and I'd thank you. I'm yours.

It's all true and I could write so much more but I'll stop now.