#i almost called it zero gravy. what the fuck

[chisungie]

.

[fanficparker]

Faking, Falling > Part 13

Harrison Osterfield x Reader (Fake dating! Unrequited love switcheroo!)

Word count: ~2.7 k words

Warning: Swearing(a lot lol), Major Fluff and Angst, mentions of anxiety attack.

A/N: I have written this chapter 7 times(no jokes), yet it doesn’t appeal to me. Hope our opinions differ :|

Summary: Everything not saved will be lost...

<< PART 12  [ MASTERLIST ] PART 14 >>

Insisting your mum to sit and wait on the dining table while Harrison and you were cooking dinner was indeed one good decision. It was a real fun time to look at the boy who had just minutes ago proudly claimed to be a wonderful chef, struggling to chop carrots. He was repeatedly shifting and bouncing on his feet, changing the angle of the knife with the chopping board, placing the carrots back and forth, yet needing too much force to cut them.

You had already finished preparing the gravy and was waiting for the vegetables to be put into it, but Harrison... You turned off the flame and stood next to him, sneaking a peek at his MasterChef skills. He stopped for a second, looked up at you, saw you grinning, made a face and started... more like 'struggled' to continue chopping. A small chuckle left your lips imagining yourself as Gordon Ramsey and calling him something like 'you donkey.' Harrison ignored your chuckle but soon you erupted into a hysterical laughter. He glanced at you from the corner of his eyes and dropped his knife on the board. He turned to face you.

"What?" He said folding his arms to his chest and rolling his eyes. He wasn't expecting the next thing to happen. You stood up on your tip-toes and softly pecked his cheek. It was out of his expectations and now he was out of breath. He looked at you, you were giggling, eyes crinkling.

"You are so adorable, Harrison."

Those maybe just a few words for you but for him, it meant nothing less than a ray of hope. He didn't care if you could see him blushing, he didn't care if you could see him staring at you. He just stood there in his natural form, completely displaying everything he felt for you in his eyes.

See it Y/n. See it for yourself because I don't know how to say it. His chest constricted when you turned to the chopping board and started cutting the left carrots. He closed his eyes, heaved a slight sigh and ducked his head down. A small smile spread across his lips.

Hope.

His teeth nipped at his lower lip trying to contain the smile. He shook his head slowly and made his way to the stove. He switched on the flame and started stirring the gravy while you put in the chopped vegetables inside the pan, smiling back at him.

Things weren't any different on the dining table. Harrison found himself unable to concentrate on his food. He couldn't involve himself in the conversations. He felt your hand rest on his knee from beneath the table, his head shot up and swirled to look at you. For once he just wanted to stare at those e/c eyes.

"Didn't like the food?" You quipped. He shook his head and smiled.

"... I-I love it."

Your hand reached out to hold his free hand but before you could barely make any contact, his arm hurriedly rushed to wipe off the sweat that covered his clammy palms but you held it before he could do so and interlaced your fingers with his.

***

Days were passing by…

Harrison was lying on the bed, staring at the ceiling, his hands were folded at the back of his head. He was biting at his lower lip as a message flooded across his mind.

Warning: Are you sure you want to quit? Everything not saved will be lost. His mind couldn't get rid of the normal video game exit message all of a sudden. It had just simply stuck on his mind.

"Are you sure you want to quit?" He mouthed the sentence, trying to feel how it sounded like in his voice and felt like on his lips. He sighed feeling stupid. He should be sleeping. He couldn't anyway sleep on time, it took a lot of time and efforts for him to finally drift to sleep. Sometimes it took him two hours after lying down on the bed and sometimes even more than four hours. Tonight, was the latter. His insomnia only led him to wake up extremely late in the morning and even sometimes he ended up waking up in the afternoon. It was a compulsion to wake up early when he had work but in these free times, he simply couldn't. In all these eleven days he never woke up early.

Eleven days... Eleven days have passed.

Wait. No. It was the twelfth day already.

Harrison's stomach churned painfully, his breathing started to get heavier. He turned his head to look at you. One of your arms was resting over his torso and your head was pressed against his shoulder. You looked so peaceful. And it somehow managed to hurt his feelings.

How can you be so peaceful?

HOW CAN YOU BE SO PEACEFUL?!!

He turned his head again towards the ceiling, closing his eyes momentarily, trying to clear his mind. But... Don't you know it's the twelfth day? Twelve out of thirteen days of the agreement! His eyeballs roamed violently and anxiously hidden under the cover of his eyelids. He could hear the sound of the ticking wall clock. He dreaded of being unable to stop it, reverse it or at least slow it down.

Did he even spend any time with you? Seriously, what did you two even do in all these days? He tried to think. He forced himself to think, to remember, yet all he found was his brain in a frozen state, his mind was stuck over the constant fact— it's over.

Everything not saved will be lost.

His palms were all pins and needles, he clenched them into a tight fist but the sensation didn't leave him. His throat was dry and suddenly it was too difficult to breathe or maybe even impossible. His chest felt like constricting. A single tear left his eyes and trickled down to fall into his ears. It was happening again, after so many days. Just in two days, he will be back to being alone— lonely. He hated being lonely.

He tried to calm himself down. Failing to do so forced him to remove your arm that rested on him. He counted under his breath, inhaling and exhaling with each even and odd numeral as he got up from the bed and walked inside the bathroom. He stared at his reflection in the mirror while his palms were pressed against the counter. He sucked in a breath and splashed water across his face, almost violently yet it helped, he soon felt better.

On getting outside the bathroom he noticed you sitting on the bed, while the table lamp was switched on. Lifting your head, you glanced at him as he walked back to the bed giving him a sleepy smile. And he did smile back. How couldn't he? There was something in the way you smiled that reminded him of his better self, something you brought in him. He sat beside you and as if everything wasn't enough, you slid closer to him (basically bumping into him), closed your eyes, snaked an arm around his waist and rested your head on his shoulder while slowly caressing his arm with your fingers. His eyelids fluttered shut, allowing himself to get lost in the feeling.

"I'll miss you..." You whispered in a sleepy, groggy voice, trailing off the words. A stupid chuckle left his lips, his heart momentarily lurched, calming the damage it suffered moments ago.

"What?" You quipped, lifting up your head to look at his face. Opening his eyes, he bent his head down so that it rested over your head, inhaling the sweet smell of the almost faded shampoo. He planted a little kiss in your hair, a sweet loving one, the one that made your heart flutter and skin burn.

"You don't have to miss me."

You pulled your head away and looked at him, curiously.

"How?"

He turned to face you and folded his legs beneath him. He inhaled sharply and looked down at your hands. His arms reached out and held them both in his bigger ones. He breathed out slowly, looking back into your eyes. You shifted closer to him, knees bumping, waiting for him to speak.

"It's—It's... I don't want this to end." His voice almost cracked saying it. He gulped and chose to continue speaking, ignoring the dryness in his throat.

"I... I... I really like you Y/n." He uttered in a single breath making your breath hitch in your throat. You would be lying if you didn't consider it coming. He had given signals, enough signals, but you chose to pretend not to notice. Your fingers curled and you gently slide away your hands from his grip, turning away so that he couldn't see your face. The sudden surge of wetness in your eyelashes forced you to look up at the ceiling. Harrison didn't speak anything, he just sat there waiting for you to respond something, literally anything but your tongue was tied into a thousand knots. You picked at the cuticles of your fingernails, not knowing what to feel about any of this. Inhaling deeply and wiping off the little tears you turned back to see him. He was looking down at his hands, badly fidgeting.

"Sorry..." Your voice came as a whisper and his head shot up.

"... Sorry?" He repeated in disbelief.

"I... I don't know." Your chest felt like swelling making it difficult to breathe. He grabbed your hands again, tracing circles on the back with his thumb.

"It's okay. I understand." His smile seemed forced and pained.

'"I am not saying no. I just... How do I explain?" You had started getting frustrated. You wanted to scratch your head but he had held your arms and was lovingly drawing patterns over them. He was still facing you, patiently waiting for you to explain but that was the exact problem.

How to fucking explain this weird turmoil in your heart?

"You don't trust me, right?" His voice came.

Shit. Right. He was right. Y/n didn't know how to move on. Stupid Y/n. You mentally scolded yourself.

"... I don't trust me neither." His hands left yours and dropped onto his thighs like they had zero strength. Your heartfelt heavy at his words. Why would he say that?

"Why? Why are you saying---"

He cuts you off and his voice came a little louder, "Forget what I said. Christ! What was I even thinking?! Me..." He let out a dry, broken laugh that just made your stomach fall. He shifted back and raked his hands through his hairs, his hands were shaking.

"I am an absolute piece of shit. You remember how I humiliated you in front of a big crowd? And still, you're here being nice to me and I was falling for you and expected you to feel the same for me. Ha." He slapped the side of his head and tears were slipping down his cheeks. For a minute your body froze, unable to respond, taking in his appearance.

"You know, you are not the only one I fucked up with. I fuck up with everyone. All my friends hate me. My family, damn... How are they even keeping up with me?" He hurriedly jumped off the bed and started walking around the room. You tried to get up and approach him but he showed his palm at you when you tried to get out of the bed. You stopped and his hands again made their way to his hairs and he was almost pulling at his curls.

"You know... I had this great big friend circle. We all were like buddies but then... But then... I fell in love with Shelly and fucked up everything."

You sat there and listened, that was the maximum you could do right now.

"I was just thirteen and I was in love with my best friend. And damn I thought she loved me back. She used to spend so much time with me, hold my hand, held me when dad died. I was sixteen and decided to tell her but then... I saw her kissing Tom. Tom oh... My other best friend, the brother I never had and they were kissing. I let it happen... Obviously. They seemed happy together and I was happy for them.

"But then Tom had to go to the States for months and she came to me. She said she realised she loved me. I told her to tell him but she said she already did. I shouldn't have believed her, I should have checked for myself but I was too desperate. Fucking too desperate! She cheated on Tom with me... Me— her best friend and Tom's best friend. And when he came back, everyone blamed me more than her. They all left me. Shelly got away to Ireland and everyone... each one of them ghosted me even when we lived in the same town, studied in the same school. I failed my semester that year. Tom, Harry, Tuwaine all of them just ghosted me, pretended like I didn't exist. And you know what I did?" He stopped on his tracks and looked at you, you were just sitting there like a statue unable to understand how to respond to anything he said. You tried to open your mouth but words didn't form. He snorted and looked to the other side, deciding to continue.

"Then I became an absolute asshole, having no remorse for anything. I stopped caring if my actions broke the heart of the other person. And then there was you... You who seemed like the old me, too naïve to believe me just like I believed Shelly but... I was wrong. You were better. A better person and yet I ended up hurting you at multiple occasions, not even realizing that I was hurting myself in the process. But... I deserve it and you don't." He paused, exhaling sharply. "I just wanna say that... I am really sorry Y/n." He looked down at his feet, standing in the middle of the room. There was complete silence in the room for what seemed like hours.

"...Not like I am any better." Your voice came out quieter but clearly audible. Harrison looked at you as you got up from the bed and walked towards him. You wrapped your arms around his torso and leaned in to place your head on his chest. He didn't respond, just stood there while you hugged him tightly.

"You know if Simon didn't turn out to be a bad guy, I was basically just using him to oppose you. And then I dragged you into this act without your consent for my personal gains." You confessed, hearing his heartbeat through his chest. His hands twitched and he slowly placed an arm around your back.

"We have our own demons, Haz. But I am glad we realised and aren't making an excuse out of it. We learnt and grew out of it."

He sighed, running his fingers through your hairs and resting his face on the top of your head.

"I feel better letting everything out. It was easier than I thought. Thanks for listening."

"... And thanks for everything," You mouthed, snuggling into his chest but he pulled himself back, holding your shoulders and looking at you for answers.

"Everything?"

"I mean... You supported me in all my career insecurity and so much more. I had my best fortnight ever with you." A blush crept up your cheeks but you were genuinely grateful.

"That's nothing," He shrugged.

"Meant a lot to me," a half-grin plastered across your face and he did smile back. Like he always does. He realised that he was staring at your face and that made him bounce back on his feet, pulling away from your embrace. He once again looked down at his feet and scratched the back of his neck.

"So... what now?" He bit the inside of his cheeks, looking at you through his lashes.

"Maybe just sleep for now."

Like he'll be able to sleep when you had a big ass question unanswered.

"Sure."

________________________________

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[neerasrealm]

Like It Here

A story about Alice adapting to her new home while Zero silently judges her. And also Clockwork tries to fistfight Jason every five seconds. Typical day in the Zalgo household.

Words: 2025

She didn’t like it here.

She was small, timid, quiet. She belonged somewhere else, somewhere normal, or even back in that horrible, horrible house where she was afraid to move or make a sound. Anywhere, anywhere but the realm of the one they called Zalgo.

She replayed it all in her head again. The beating, the voice, the blood on her new black hands. She looked down at them again. Her outfit had changed. When she didn’t know, but the thing that concerned her more was her body. White skin that was black in certain places, such as her hands, knees, elbows and eyes, white hair that had gone from greasy and flat to big and fluffy but most of all- her strength. She was stronger, far stronger than a fifteen year old girl like her should be. She’d almost broken a couple things already.

‘’So are you just gonna sit around and sulk?’’

That was new too.

The voice.

She looked up at the voice’s owner. They looked exactly like her, same outfit and all. They blew white hair out of their grey eyes. Zero. Her childhood imaginary friend who was somehow...real? Alive? She didn’t know how- but she was here, hovering above her like a spirit that wouldn’t leave.

‘’I-I’m not sulking.’’ she replied defensively. 

‘’Uh-huh. Because sitting on your bed alone sniffling and hugging your knees isn’t sulking.’’

‘’I’m scared alright!’’ Alice snapped back. ‘’You were a lot nicer when I was a kid…’’

Zero sighed and floated down to her. ‘’Listen, Alice,’’ the girl looked up at her slowly. ‘’I’m just tryna protect you. The world’s rough, but you’re safest here.’’

‘’You call this safe?! Did you see some of the things living here?! It’s black and dark and scary!’’

‘’Yes but you’re protected!’’ Zero reached out and held Alice’s face in her hands. Somehow Alice could feel her touch. ‘’Nobody will let you be harmed. Especially not me.’’

‘’Mmm…’’

Alice didn’t get a chance to reply. Not that she was going to. There was a knock at the door behind her. She whirled around staring at it, then looked back at Zero, who frowned. ‘’What?’’

‘’You answer it.’’ 

‘’Me?! Why do I gotta?’’

‘’Because you’re protecting me!’’ Alice hissed. Zero huffed. It went dark for a second and suddenly Alice was watching her own body climb off the bed and walk towards the door. She was floating, just like Zero had been moments ago. It was a surreal experience...and she didn’t like it. At all. The sooner she got control back the better.

Zero opened the door and looked up. A tall, muscular man with long red hair stood in the doorway. He wore a simple white shirt, brown vest, black pants and black boots. He looked down at Zero, looking unamused and irritated. The man's name was Jason, and apparently he lived here. Alice's spirit moved over to the doorway, which surprised her a little. She hadn't tried to move at all. 

"Zalgo asked me to get you." He said. Without waiting for a response, he walked away from the door and down the hall. Zero stepped out of the bedroom, pulled the door closed and quickly walked after him. It took Alice a second to realise she had to follow. She hesitated, then made a swimming motion to move herself forward. It seemed to work- though she'd never seen Zero move like that. 

"Alice!" Her thoughts were interrupted by Zero snapping at her. She could hear her voice perfectly despite the fact that she was at the opposite end of the hall. "What're you doing?"

"F-Floating…?"

Zero rolled her eyes and walked down the stairs. "Just think 'I want to move' and your ghost will do the rest." Zero's mouth didn't move as she spoke- how did she do that? "It's called telepathy. We share a body so we can hear thoughts. Honestly it's like- babysitting a child!"

Alice glared at Zero as she floated after her. "No need to be rude. Not like I'm used to being a ghost!"

"Would you like your body back?'

"N-No I'm- I'm okay."

Zero stepped through a door she'd seen Jason disappear into and froze. 

She was in a...kitchen. Just a regular old kitchen. It even had a 'Live, Laugh, Love' sign hung up on one of the walls. If this wasn't off-putting enough, the kitchen had people in it. There was Jason, of course, sitting at the dining table. There were two others with them. The first was a woman in a white mask who wore a black dress. She had long black hair that swung when she turned to look at Zero, and her skin on her arms looked...leathery, and burnt. The other was a girl with long, messy brown hair. She wore a blue jacket, white shirt and black pants. Alice's gaze went to the girl's face. She had scars running either side of her mouth that looked like stitches, and her right eye- it wasn't an eye at all. It was a clock. 

"Lord Zalgo." Zero said before kneeling down, bowing her head. Alice looked up and over at the man at the stove. He turned to look at them. 

He was...handsome. Almost- too perfect looking. His skin was a shining bronze colour, decorated with tattoos that ran up one arm in spirals and covered the other completely in teal ink. His hair, short at the sides but long at the front, hung partially in his eyes. His hair was a smoky black that turned grey towards the top, like smoke. His face had a small amount of stubble on it, which just served to make him even more handsome. His eyes were gold, and so bright she noticed them almost immediately. They looked straight at Zero with...amusement.

His name was Zalgo. And he was the man who would protect her, so long as Zero worked for him.

"Come now, there's no need to bow." He said. Zero looked up in surprise. Jason and the clock girl both snickered at her, which made Alice cross her arms and look away defensively. Zero stood up and cast a nervous glance at the trio at the table.

"Did you- need something, my lord?" She asked.

"Well yes," Zalgo looked at her. "I need you to eat. I'm sure both you and Alice are starving." He smiled at them and gestured to the table. "Take a seat, you two. Get to know your new housemates."

Zero paused for a moment, seemingly caught off guard by this, but she did as she was told, taking a seat across from Jason. She glanced at the other two girls, waiting for a conversation to start. 

"How old are you, Zero?" The masked woman finally asked. 

"Hm? Well I'm- I mean technically I'm only a few days old, but the concept of me was made eleven years ago- Alice is fifteen."

"That...makes no sense but okay." The clock-eyed girl said. Jason sighed.

"Zero is a demon Zalgo made to control Alice's body and work for him. She looks exactly like Alice's childhood imaginary friend and acts similar to her." He explained.

"Why do you always know this shit?" The clock girl asked, sounding annoyed.

"Because I'm reliable, unlike you."

"Oh I'll show you reliable you fucking anime wannabe-" she growled, standing up quickly.

"Natalie," Zalgo interrupted. "No fighting during family dinner." He shot her a firm look and she sat down again, grumbling to himself. Jason smirked smugly.

"So where is Alice?" The masked woman asked. Zero looked at the spirit hovering just above her. 

"Care to introduce yourself?" She asked telepathically. Alice shook her head. Zero rolled her eyes. "She doesn't want to come out right now. We share the body."

‘’I see.’’ She said. ‘’Well, I’m Jane. It’s a pleasure to meet you. We’re very happy to have a new face here.’’

‘’Speak for yourself.’’ Jason muttered, leaning back in his chair.

‘’Ignore him. He’s angry all the time because a girl rejected him like a century ago.’’ Nat said. Jason glared at her.

‘’We were just friends. Maybe if you listened to me for once-’’

‘’Can’t hear you, I don’t speak weeb.’’

‘’Natalie! Leave him alone. We’re trying to make Zero and Alice feel welcome.’’ Zalgo interrupted before the two could fight. He walked over to the table, carrying a large tray of food. He set it down and passed out plates of food, then slid some large bowls down the table. Zero and Alice looked over the food curiously. Each plate had an entire steak on it, along with some mashed potato, fried mushrooms and a small cup of gravy. Looking at the bigger bowls, the two saw they contained more mashed potatoes and steamed vegetables. Zalgo smiled to himself and grabbed a large bottle of what looked like it could be wine or champagne off the tray. Effortlessly, he popped the cork off and poured drinks into four of the fancy glasses sitting on the tray. The first two looked to be wine but the third was a darker purple colour, and fizzy. The fourth was wine coloured but- also looked fizzy. Zero frowned. Zalgo looked at her. ‘’What would you two like to drink?’’ He asked.

‘’Uh-’’

‘’Ask him for cranberry juice.’’ Alice whispered. Zero scrunched up her nose.

‘’Ew no.’’ she murmured, giving Alice a judgemental glance. She looked back at Zalgo. ‘’Soda?’’

Zalgo gave a nod and poured from the bottle again. Instead of wine or the orange drink it was...well, soda. As the glasses were passed to each person Zero took an experimental sip.

Yep, regular old soda.

‘’How’d he do that??’’ Alice murmured. Zero shrugged. 

‘’Magic I guess.’’ she thought back. She put down her glass and grabbed a knife and fork, digging into her (perfectly cooked) steak. It was quiet until Zalgo spoke again.

‘’So, Zero,’’ he said. ‘’I’m sure you must have questions about this place.’’ he leaned on the table, resting his face on his hands with a small, kind smile. 

She swallowed. ‘’Not particularly.’’ she said. ‘’As long as Alice is safe I don’t have any objections to what’s asked of me.’’

Zalgo looked disappointed with the answer. ‘’Oh, come now Zero. No need to be so formal.’’ he tilted his head. ‘’I created you to look after Alice and protect her. I brought you here to help you keep her safe. You working for me is just repayment.’’

Zero opened her mouth to respond, but was interrupted by Alice tapping on her shoulder. She looked up. ‘’Can you ask him why he cares about me so much?’’ she murmured. Zero looked back at Zalgo, who arched a brow curiously.

‘’Why do you care about Alice?’’

‘’Well why wouldn’t I?’’ he responded. ‘’She was a person in need. I help people in need.’’ he gestured to Nat. ‘’I found Natalie outside her burning home and gave her somewhere to stay. I found Jane in the burning remains of her home after her family was taken from her,’’ he smiled a bit looking at Jason. ‘’Jason didn’t burn anything down, but I found him at a time when he was weak, and needed someone to support him. I was that support.’’

‘’Worst decision of your life, Zalgo my man.’’ Nat interrupted. Zalgo shot her a look before turning back to Zero, his expression softening. 

‘’I just want the best for you all. The world is...harsh…’’ he looked down, a sad look crossing his face. Zero and Alice both frowned. He looked up at them and brushed hair from his face. ‘’My apologies I- got lost in thought for a moment.’’ he sat up in his chair. ‘’Please, don’t be afraid to ask questions if you need to. I want both of you comfortable here.’’

Zero nodded. ‘’We will.’’ she glanced at Alice for a moment, then back at Zalgo. He grabbed his knife and fork and cut into his steak. He looked up at her, then nodded at her plate. 

‘’Well? Eat up. You’re probably both hungry.’’

‘’Oh uh- yeah. We are.’’

[scoobydoominuscoobydoo]

Part Seven:

“You’re so smart I could kiss you right now!”

Being a senior seemed to just be a short 365 days of trying to keep it together because damn it you were almost at the finish line.

Mrs. Moony, the track and field coach, always liked to say, “The last lap is always the longest!”

To which she would receive a mixture of glares because nobody was enjoying her trying to make them feel less miserable.

Since track and field was one of the few things Shaggy liked to think he was decent at, he always took Mrs. Moony’s life lessons to heart. At least the ones that applied to him, even though it was always interesting to learn how to prepare a proper sedar dinner.

At first, Shaggy hadn’t feared the step to becoming a senior.

People’s expectations of him never had much of an effect on him.

Not even his parents hounding him about which “respectable” colleges to apply to bugged him all that much. 

He was always gonna be his own person and if people wanted or expected something other than that, than they didn’t want Shaggy and they’d need to fulfill their expectations in someone else.

Even his best friends had expectations for him that were never gonna happen of his own free will.

But that had changed when they reached adulthood.

Well, three of them did.

Since Velma was technically a year ahead in high school she was still 17. But mentally she was in between the ages of 45 and 6, it all depended on the time of day and the cycle of the moon.

Regardless of the grey area that was Velma’s age, once senior year had started the gang all seemed to have adopted the trait called acceptance. 

Never really pushing each other towards any sort of direction like they did when they were younger. Now they just silently supported and reassured that they were always on each other’s sides. Which is something they could all use since the rest of the world was peeking it’s head in their direction and asking in that stupid wishy washy voice, “So what are you planning on doing with your life after high school?”

Shaggy had always laughed softly while rubbing the back of his neck and saying he was considering Career #1 or Career #2.

That was enough for the world to go back to their corner of not minding their own business.

Fred and Velma both had their versions of a five year plan mapped out in their heads and had no issue talking the world’s ear off so that it couldn’t get an opinionated word in.

Velma and Freddie thrived in planning, especially when it came to their own futures. 

Shaggy remembered the first time he saw early applications for Stanford sprawled out in the back of the Mystery Machine. During freshman year Velma had being getting a lot of interested letters and phone calls but the only college that would ever catch her eye was Stanford.

Velms had been crawling between each piece of paper, each asking a lot of questions Shag never even really considered. Especially back when he was 15.

He wasn’t really confident that Velma thought about them either because she ended up throwing the packet away and avoided discussing the subject with her parents and the distressed guidance counselor.

At the start of senior year Fred had gone up to Massachusetts for an interview with Harvard, even though it didn’t really interest him at all. Daph had made that observation a long time ago. Deep down she was sure Fred was getting swept by the world trying to drag him around, not even sure what he wanted to do with himself.

Regardless of whether or not Fred and Velms were ready, they were definitely prepared.

Shag wasn’t really sure what was going on with Daph when it came to her future.

Ever since they had reunited in the 6th grade Daphne had been obsessed with NYU. He remembered that glint in her eye when she’d talk about it, mouth full of tater tots and hands covered in glitter due to art class incidents.

It was the same glint that had overwhelmed him when they first met in that hallway and a strange purple girl had given Norville Rogers a name.

That NYU glint disappeared a long time ago though.

High school happened.

Drama happened.

Fred happened.

It wasn’t really anyone’s fault, once your age has the suffix “teen” in it, NYU glints tend to get chewed up and spit out, now bruised and battered and not really wanting to get up again.

Too many people telling her to be realistic and aim lower. Telling her to hold back.

But if anyone could convince the glint to stand up and face the future again, it was Daphne.

At least, that’t what Shaggy thought.

He had seen little peeks of the glint this year when she discussed all the appealing things on her transcript that she was sure would appeal to NYU’s ideals.

He loved that glint, and he really hoped that Daph was able to help it stand up and bring it with her through the rest of her life.

Senior year had brought forth a new form of jokes that Shaggy utilized wholeheartedly. He called them the community college jokes, and they actually got laughs out of people which was honestly a miracle.

The whole schtick just consisted of him reacting to his grades, or even if anything inconvenient happened, and stating, “Now I’ll never get into community college!”

These jokes were the answer to people’s questions that involved his plans regarding the future.

At this point in his life he believed he had everything together, that he was actually gonna make it through this high school shit with only mild trauma and a crippling fear of silicon.

He could see the finish line, and while his calves we killing him and sweat was pouring out of him, he had made it.

But than Daphne had run up in front of him and stopped him in the middle of the track. “Daph, like what are you doing?” He nervously eyed his parents who were sitting off by themselves on the bleachers. Neither one of them had peeked up from their phones. Their dark eyes always seemed to be on something other than him, ever since he was born its been that way.

He felt his eyes welling up with tears and he wished he could leave the track, just for a couple minutes.

But Daphne was holding on tightly to his shoulders.

“Da-Daphne can you ju-” He was left breathless by the sight of Daph’s bright violet eyes one him, not leaving him for even a second. 

The whole world went quiet, like it all seemed to just disappear. 

Leaving just a breathless shaggy dog and a strange purple girl.

He wasn’t sure what to do, he wasn’t frightened by the purple girl, but he wasn’t sure what she was gonna do. Suddenly something happened that made his heart totally stop- it was one pause for a few moments.

The purple girl’s eyes sparkled, with this hope and happiness that felt almost familiar to him. A familiar glint. One he seemed to adore, like it was an old friend.

And those violet stars grew closer and closer until he felt like he was gonna burn up, but he didn’t even care. Because that glint was beautiful.

He closed his eyes, ready to burst into flames. 

But instead he felt something cold and soft.

Her lips on his.

And it’s rushed and clumsy.

And they have no idea what they’re supposed to do. Almost as if it’s their first ever kiss and they have zero experience.

At least that’s what feels like.

Rushed, clumsy, and new.

Oh so new and it feels too right to even be happening.

The right thing never happens to them.

They get chased by men in masks and pretend their parents love them. They Set up elaborate traps that are doomed to fail and they avoid eye contact with with people who laugh at them in the hallways.

He feels her purple hands grip onto his shaking ones. And suddenly he doesn’t care.

Because it’s about time he found something good on this damn track.

They both slowly pulled away and just stared at each other. His face probably looking just as shocked as her’s. 

Her grip on his hand’s tightened.

His heartbeat returned.

He stroked the back of her hand with his thumb.

Her eyes sparkled.

He let out a startled yelp at the sound of his alarm clock losing it’s fucking mind.

Shag stared down at the meal that had been slapped down on his tray. Normally the lunch crew were very friendly to him since he was one of the few people that complimented them on their food without fail.

“Dorrine must have gotten a visit from her ex again, that’d explain her mood.” He thought as he began to worm his way through all the tables and walked toward the back door.

He sighed as he noticed that the usual soggy french fries were dried out and kinda spongy looking.

It wasn’t that big of a deal since he just dipped them in the canned gravy that they served with the bagged mashed potatoes.

Food truly was a work of divine art.

He pushed open the back door and instantly spotted the unforgettable colors of his people. 

Velma joked about how after freshman year they somehow all became totally color coded when it came to their wardrobe. It wasn’t until Velma had pointed it out that Shag realized just how much green he owned. But that was fine, he liked green.

Today was just wearing a green hoodie over a white tee and jeans.

Fred had used to be obsessed with wearing ascots when they were in middle school. If he wasn’t wearing anything kitschy around his neck than he might as well have been naked. And then it was dumb hats that you would wear on backwards more for principle’s sake than style.

And now they were in the era of watches, but just the old looking ones with hash marks instead of numbers.

Currently Freddie was wearing a silver one that he seemed to favor quite a bit.

And Velms was sitting next to him, picking at the sad excuse of a salad that they served for people who weren’t willing to brave the risk of food poisoning. She was rocking a black turtle neck and a simple orange cardigan.

Velma had always worn turtle necks for as long as Shag had known her. 

The reason back then was she still had baby fat and kids were assholes so a lot of names were shouted out to her and they would stick in her head.

Those words turned into turtle necks.

Now Shag was pretty sure she just wore them because she hated the way anything else looked on her.

Daph was sitting on their table facing his direction as she seemed to be invested in the large Subway sandwich she had in her hands. Her pink cheeks were stuffed and there was mayo stuck on the corner of her mouth.

He grinned to himself. Daphne would always be the strange purple girl. 

It was as if she couldn’t physically leave the house unless she had something purple on.

Sometimes her whole outfit would be an elaborate display of purple with almost every accessory you could think of. And sometimes it was just a subtle display, maybe just purple shoes or a purple hairclip.

Today she had met in the middle with a royal purple tanktop and earrings to go with her black jeans and green scarf.

Daph was never able to put it in human words as to why she adored the color purple some much, but she ensured them that if at least one of the human languages had the right word to describe it, she would use it all the time.

She looked up from her sub, that seemed to be the love of her life at that moment, and made direct eye contact with him.

And then she sent him a bright smile and mouthed out the word “Hi.”

He returned the smile and made his way over to their table.

Well it wasn’t really their table, it was just some old picnic bench in the the central courtyard. After they had been officially branded as the weird Nancy Drew wannabes they ended up hiding outside while eating, unless it rained.Than they’d just sit in the back of the Mystery Machine in a circle, knees touching.

They didn’t purposely isolate themselves, it just kinda happened.

They figured that would be a lot easier than being involved in unnecessary drama.

Of course after all the business with Marilyn Andrews and them finding Natalie McCall, they had been getting a lot more attention.

Shaggy still wasn’t used to queen bee Natalie waving to them and asking them if they wanted to go out and do something with student council later.

So lunch wasn’t as quiet as it used to be, but at least they weren’t getting hounded by teenagers with condescending tones. 

At the moment, the gang was alone.

“You took your own sweet time getting here. Usually you’re the first one in line for lunch.” Velma looked over at him and popped a cherry tomato in her mouth, “God didn’t give you the world’s longest legs for nothing.”

Shag rolled his eyes and grabbed a napkin from his tray, handing it to Daphne.

He pointed at the corner of his mouth and she nodded, wiping the mayo off.

“Well I was about to make a mad dash for the front of the line, like maybe hop over a few tables in the process.” Daph giggled and took another big bite of her one true love.

He placed his tray on the table next to where Daphne was sitting and leaned against the edge next to her.

“But Nat popped out of fucking nowhere and was asking me about hanging out this weekend.” He shoved his hands in his pockets, looking for his cell phone which he had the terrible inkling he had left sitting in the back of the van.

Fred chuckled, “Nat seems to like popping out of freakin’ nowhere when it comes to you Shag.”

“Hardy har Freddie.” He let out a soft sigh of relief as he remembered he’d put his phone in his back pocket. Velma jumped in, “No wait, maybe Fred is right. I mean all the signs are there, you’re the only one she reached out to on all the social stuff.” She picked up what sort of looked like an olive and threw toward him.

Totally missing and hitting Daph.

She let out an annoyed huff but said nothing, seeming to choose putting her full attention on her sandwich.

Velma smirked, it had just occurred to her that this conversation topic was the last thing Daph would wanna participate in. So Velma did as Velma does. She kept pushing the topic. 

“I mean I’m pretty sure the cheerleaders probably told her everything, about how you were the one who made the promise that we’d find her.” Shag’s cheeks went pink and he rolled his eyes, now he knew Velma was just trying to get him all flustered.

“One, she has a boyfriend who she is pretty happy with last I checked. And two, the only thing I did to earn her feelings was make that promise. Like, other than that I did fuck all.” He reached behind him and picked up a spongy french fry.

Velms snicked and shook her head, still gauging Daph’s reactions to everything they were saying.

For now it seemed that she was just trying to ignore the conversation and pay attention to her food. But Velma could see right through her, and she could see that Daph was getting annoyed. Perfect.

“Oh my dear Shaggy, my darling Norville.” He cringed and threw another fry at her. She stuck her tongue out and continued, “Crushing on someone is not as simple as liking one person at a time. That’s like you having one favorite food.” Shaggy placed a hand over his heart and faked a hurt gasp.

Velma nodded, “I know right? Seems impossible.” She popped another tomato in her mouth.

She sent a quick glance over toward an annoyed Daphne and then proceeded, “You see it’s possible for her to still really like her boyfriend, whoever the hell he was, and also like you, maybe just the teeniest tiniest bit.”

“Mensa level vocab there Einstein.” Fred giggled and poked Velma in the shoulder. “Thank you.” She shoved another one of those olive looking things in Freddie’s mouth to shut him up.

“Or,” She made clear eye contact with Daph, who was avoiding looking at anything besides the damn sandwich,

“It’s possible she’s over her boyfriend and just likes you now, that’s the kind of thing that happens when you’re a sophomore, you’re still young and not really sure what the hell you want yet.” 

Shag writhed uncomfortably, “Okay Velms like that might be taking a little too much liberty. Plus if that were the case, which it isn’t, than it’s more Nat’s business than ours anyway.” She spotted Daph’s small nod and grin at his response.

She sighed.

Daphne will always be easy to read.

“The point is that sometimes people like one person and it seems like a forever deal and nothing is gonna change it, but than they’re brains mature and decide they want something else.” Fred sent her a confused look, which she ignored. 

This was definitely something that was higher than his current social skills level.

The issues that come with being a sheltered mayor’s kid.

Shaggy gave her a confused look as well, but it was a different kind of confused.

“Yeah, like I know that Velms. Like you just described the basics of high school dating. Any reason why you’re talking about this?” Velma sent a subtle glance back to Daph, who was definitely going red.

She smirked, she was done here.

Letting out a loud sigh, she turned back to her depressed salad, “No real reason, I just like to tease you on how much of a ladies man you are. You’re quite the slugger son.”

Shag grinned, “Shut the hell your mouth, loser.” 

Velma and Fred giggled, bringing their attention back to whatever they were doing before they started talking about Nat’s love life.

“Ahem! A-Anyway- oh thanks Daph.” Daph handed him the rest of her sandwich and Velma snickered, she had talked the appetite right out of her.

He seemed to basically inhale to sandwich in a few seconds as his friends watched on in awe. Velma still believed that if they ever needed to be involved in a school fundraiser, they just needed to have people pay to try and get Shaggy full. They would be able to pay back the school’s debt tenfold and then some.

He crumpled up the wrapper and carried on, “The thing Nat wanted to talk to me about was student council having a party tonight in our- I mean the- central courtyard.”

He gestured to the area around them with his free hand.

“It’s supposed to be for the varsity teams and stuff but like she believed we deserved to come.”

Velma groaned, “Oh yeah that sounds like a blast, lets hang out with the lovely young men and women that made high school a living hell for us.”

Shag sent her a warning look and she shut up, bitterly picking at her lunch.

“I didn’t wanna flat out say ‘No’ to her so I just said we’d talk about it and get back to her.” Velma turned and look over at him and whined, “Why the fuck would would you give that poor girl some hope??” Shag flinched and rolled his eyes.

“Because Velms, she’s a sweet girl and she’s just trying to make things right between us and the rest of the damn student body before we graduate and only return for awkward high school reunions 20 years from now.” 

Velma opened her mouth to respond, but she didn’t feel like that statement deserved one of her smartass comments.

So she just sat there opening and closing her mouth, trying to think of the right thing to say.

Suddenly, Daphne finally said something after remaining quiet for the whole time Shag had been out there. He almost was startled by the sound of her clear and high pitched voice, but was still always glad to hear it, “Well since the goldfish isn’t saying anything I will.”

Fred snickered. 

Another olive resembling substance was shoved in his mouth.

Daph turned and their eyes met instantly.

Shaggy gulped, he suddenly remembered the dream he had last night. 

Of them.

And their eyes.

And their hands.

And most of all, their lips. Their clumsy lips.

“I’ll only go if Shags goes.” Velma turned and looked at both of them so fast that her glasses fell down her nose and she needed to straighten them out.

Daph seemed to suddenly realize what she said and looked down at her hands.

“I-I um. I meant I’ll- I’m okay with it i-if we all wanna go.” Fred’s shocked face settled and he nodded. 

Velma snickered.

“Oh yeah only if all of us go.”

“Velma you are invited to shut up at anytime.” Daph still hadn’t looked up from her hands.

“Don’t wanna.”

Shag rolled his eyes, Daphne had set her off again.

Velma had turned into the stereotypical Bond villain and was now drumming her fingers together.

After a minute of horrifying silence and clear evil scheming she spoke, “Alright, I’ll go to this dumb party to patch up the holes of my flawed high school life.” Shaggy grinned and was about to speak but Daphne placed a finger over his mouth to stop him. 

She raised her eyebrow at Velms than said, “If??”

Velma cackled, “You don’t miss a beat my dear nemesis!”

Shaggy didn’t even know what was happening anymore, and he could tell Freddie had gotten lost in this conversation a long time ago and was now playing puzzle games on his phone while absentmindedly listening to bits and pieces.

“I’ll eagerly go and be nice to every stupid letterman jacket there if......”

Her gaze hopped from Daph to Shaggy and back again and suddenly Shag felt very nervous.

“You two wear matching earrings”

That’s not as bad as he was expecting.

Daph looked back at Shag and he nodded.

She sighed and turned back to Velma, “Alright fine. Do you have anymore weirdly specific demands or are you done exploiting your power?”

Velma shrugged and picked up the last tomato in the bowl, throwing it in her mouth.

Shaggy’s grin resurfaced and he turned toward Fred, “Fredison? Like, you in bud?” Fred was pulled out of his spot the difference streak shortly to send him a thumbs up, “It’ll be really fun, I mean that’s what I think anyway.”

Shag nodded and turned toward a trash can a few feet away from them.

He took the form as if he was about to shoot a basket and threw the wadded up Subway wrapper.

Unsurprisingly, he missed and watched as the wrapper rested on the ground next to the wrapper less basket. Daph let out a loud, “Booooooo!!!!!” And Velma said, “You suck, you’ll never be Shaq!!” Fred sent him and apologetic look and nodded in agreement.

Shag let out a loud groan and threw his hands in the air, “Nooooooo!!!!!! Now I’ll never get accepted into community college!!!”

The people sitting by the courtyard exit in the cafeteria could hear a loud mixture of boos and laughter.

Shaggy didn’t actually remember the exact reason he had gotten his ears pierced. Deep down he was pretty sure Velma had manipulated the situation to convince him that it was his idea but in reality it was hers.

The main reason he went with was, “Hell yeah I’m 18 losers and I can do whatever I want and so I’m gonna get holes punched in my ears!!”

He only had a couple pairs of earrings, both of which were purchased as gifts by Daphne.

The whole experience was a blur since they only had one place where you could get your ears pierced cheap. And it was jewelry store for 12 year old girls. Plus he was pretty sure he cried which made him just wanna bury the experience ten times more.

At this point he didn’t really think the whole ordeal was worth it since Shag only wore things in his ears every so often.

He stared out of his bedroom window, resting his elbows on the window sill, just waiting for that familiar relic to pull up in their fancy half circle driveway. It was still up for debate whether his parents had actually heard him when he told them he was going out tonight and wasn’t sure what time he would get home.

He sighed and closed his eyes, running his hands through his hair.

They wouldn’t really care unless they genuinely required his presence for something, usually to be a model for their “experimental” pieces.

If that was the case than they would be royally pissed off that he left the house and wasn’t on standby for their dumb paintings.

It wasn’t the normal bad stuff he did that pissed them off, the couldn’t give less of a shit about his staying out past curfew or something. But oh boy if he dared to do a load of laundry or go and drop of their recyclables, that’s when all hell would break loose.

The last time he washed the dishes they got so mad that he was only allowed to leave the house for school and nothing else, for a whole week.

Apparently they had been needing those dirty dishes to complete their latest work of art.

They could have given him a heads up or something but okay fine. 

Cruel and unusual punishment it is.

Of course as soon as the gang found out they snuck in through his bedroom window, on the third floor, and hung out with him. Everyday for a week they did that. It was like they were all sharing his punishment to the point that it wasn’t a punishment anymore.

Shaggy grinned as he looked down at chipped paint on the sill that had gone through the runner with them all stomping on it when they’d climb in.

He stared at one large bare patch that was just exposed wood now.

Climbing up a ladder to a third story window every day was just asking for trouble. Especially when it came to Danger Prone Daphne.

It was on a Thursday when her danger prone ways finally got the best of her.

She had somehow lost her footing on the ladder right when she had reached the sill. Luckily she was fast and gripped onto the wood, cringing as she felt the paint peel up under her fingernails.

“Jeepers! Freddie help me!!!”

The whole gang turned toward the window urgently and Velma let out a distressed cry as they all ran over to help Daph.

Shag was surprised that he was the first one to get to her and didn’t waste anytime grabbing onto her wrist and bracing his legs as he began to pull as hard as was humanly possible. He felt Fred grip onto his sides, helping him pull. He was sure Velma was doing the same thing behind Fred.

After a long struggle of forcing themselves to back up and not lose their footing they had gotten her up on the sill.

Everyone let out a loud sigh of relief and Shag let go of her wrists, that had turned totally red from how tightly he was holding on. He was about to ask her if she was alright but she quickly bounded off the window sill, where he now saw a lot of the paint had been chipped off, and wrapped her arms around Shaggy’s neck.

Shag’s eyes widened, that wasn’t what he was expecting.

“Oh Fred I knew you’d save me!”

He closed his eyes and sighed, now that was what he was expecting.

Fred cleared his throat, clearly not a fan of the turned tables. “Er Daph.....”

Instantly Daph’s eyes shot open and she quickly assessed the situation she was in.

She let out a nervous chuckle and backed up, avoiding eye contact with Shaggy. “I-I mean, thank you Shaggy.” Focusing on twiddling her thumbs she let out a couple thank you’s to Fred and Velms as well.

Shag decided to brush the whole interaction off and grinned, “You are very welcome my dear.”

He grinned at the memory.

And remembered how the idea of Daph giving him the kind of hugs she gave Fred made his heart race a little too fast.

That was probably the start of him being aware of how much he just liked to look at Daphne. Seeing every little subconscious tick she had. Those little grins she’d give to the little things that made her happy. The way she’d play with her rings when she was deathly bored. Her uncharacteristically boorish laugh that would always make everyone around her just as happy as she was. 

He figured that was the start of things being weird between them. The start of something being there.

Stroking the bare wood his mind flashed back to the first time he ever met his purple girl. Her speaking a little too loudly just to make sure he was listening to every word she was saying. And of course he was, because everything about this strange purple alien captivated him. And everything about her always would.

Sighing he directed his attention back toward the window.

Who was he kidding?

Ever since he had met her he had seen that something standing between them, just pulling them together. Very slowly.

He had just never seen it pulling them, until he asked Daph to dance. 

That was something Shaggy didn’t do with Daphne, but he did it anyway.

And now senior year was a lot more complicated than it needed to be.

He let out a loud groan that made Scooby jump and almost fall off his spot at the foot of Shag’s bed.

Shag didn’t have anytime to laugh at him because he spotted the dim lights of a “groovy” green micro-van. They must have seen him waiting like a loser with no life outside of his friends because Daph stuck her torso out of the passenger side window. He spotted that huge smile and her waving her arms back and forth like windmill propellers.

He waved back to signal that he saw her.

God even from the damn third floor of his house and at 7 o’clock at night he could still see those eyes.

Petting Scooby on the head he said, “See you later bud. Like I’ll try to bring back some high school party snack food for you.” The dog’s head perked up and he licked Shag’s hand. Letting out a low whine as some sort of thank you.

He was 100% certain that his dog could understand English and anyone that said otherwise could take it up with his Great Dane that just whined out a thank you for him.

Walking over to the hatch that was sort of his bedroom door, he pushed it down and watched the ladder fall, creating a path for his exit.

Once he had closed up his “door” he stared down toward the stairs that would lead him into the living room, which was in eye shot of the studio. And judging by the strong scent of charcoal and acrylic that’s definitely where his parents where.

He didn’t wanna risk being spotted and stopped so they could ask him to take his shoes off real quick so mom could do something weird like paint a pair of shoes onto his bare feet. And he didn’t have time for that.

 There was back staircase that led down to the back door, which they could only see if they were in the kitchen.

And they were never in the kitchen.

He took a deep breath as he wrapped his fingers around the knob.

Hopefully, he wouldn’t be grounded until graduation when he came back.

He dashed quickly through the back yard, avoiding the spotlights dad had set up to show off his flower garden. Taking one last look behind him, he opened the fence gate that would take him to the front gate.

“Shags, everytime we pick you up from your house anytime after four you act like you’re trying to break out of prison.” Daph giggled as she turned fully in the front seat so that she was looking at him sitting in the back.

He chuckled halfheartedly and shrugged, “My parents are time wasters, what else can I say?”

Her gaze seemed to be ten times more intense to him when they were surrounded by the beginnings of evening. His dream involving her eyes being the equivalent of young, violet stars didn’t seem all that absurd now that he was looking at her directly.

 Not even realizing that nobody had said anything for a good five minutes because he was too busy just being caught in bright, purple headlights.

Velma rolled her eyes.

Freddie was too busy driving to care what his passengers were doing.

“AHEM!!!”

Daph and Shag jumped out of their pocket universe and back into reality, both turning their attention to Velms.

Velma folded her arms over her chest and smirked at the obvious blush on Daph’s cheeks, “I believe you two losers made a promise to me in exchange for my attendance to this apparently obligatory gathering of jackasses.”

They stared at her blankly for a second, piecing the sentence together before their faces lit up in remembrance and Daphne grabbed her purse.

After a couple seconds of fishing around, she pulled out a small Ziploc bag containing a single stud earring with a purple jewel.

It was then that Shaggy realized Daphne was wearing the stud’s brother or sister on her left ear. When Velma said matching earrings this isn’t what he was picturing. He figured she meant like they’d both wear a set of pearls or something. Not wearing one half of one set.

That was like saying that Daph was his other half to a bunch of people who didn’t have any business knowing any of that.

Suddenly his eyes widened as he realized what was going on and turned to look at Velma. She currently was sporting an innocent grin, but he knew damn well what she was doing. 

He wanted to groan or sigh or something but instead he just grabbed the baggie and opened it.

Why did Velms suddenly care enough to meddle in her friend’s lives?

She never cared enough about that before. 

She’d just let weirdness and drama happen and stay as far away from it as possible.

“Y-You put it in your right ear Shags.” Daph stated, a huge grin stuck on her face. He nodded, his eyes not leaving Velma’s.

She just stuck her tongue out at him and directed her attention to Fred, who seemed to be in his own little world at the moment. Just waiting for the exit that would take them to the high school.

Honestly it gave Shag the chills at just how easily Velma was able to control the mood around her with a single action. Daph was a big, beaming mess. Shag couldn’t stop fucking staring at her. And Fred was stuck in one track mind mode.

He wouldn’t even be surprised if Velma had ordered them to wear matching earrings just so the the van would be dead quiet on the way to the party.

And Shaggy was fairly certain he was the only one that could ever figure out Velma’s ulterior motives.

She wasn’t on a Bond villain level.

No she could scheme fucking circles around Auric Goldfinger.

And due to her scheme, the ride was silent for the rest of the way to the school.

Eventually they were pulling into the school’s parking lot and to the spot farthest away from where they had hidden from Andrews. Seeing the school at night time, when it was dark, sent a wave of chills through Shag’s body.

He didn’t like this one bit.

He saw Velma leaning her head against the walls of the van, reaching up and tracing the spot wear the bullet holes used to be. Fred’s dad had payed to repair them a couple weeks after it happened.

After they had gotten enough pictures for all the newspapers and networks of course.

Fred was just keeping his hands on the keys that he had just pulled out of the ignition, face blank like he was trying to prevent himself from getting shaken up about something that was already over and done with.

Daphne bit her lip and kept her eyes on the compartment where they kept the spare tire, never really brave enough to bring it up with Freddie again.

Velma had yelled at him for a long time at the police station after they had given their statements and were just ready to go home.

But after that, nobody really saw a point in fighting over it.

It didn’t matter anymore.

There was maybe a couple minutes of brooding silence before Velma let out a sigh and began to crawl toward the back door.

“Let’s get this shit over with.”

That seemed to snap everybody out of it and as a group they walked toward the school.

The setup was about what you’d expect from the Student Council budget.

Balloons and tablecloths.

That was about it.

In the school colors of course.

Orange and Purple.

As soon as the gang entered they were welcomed by a bubbly Nat, who wasted no time announcing their arrival to the whole damn party.

Shaggy and Velma eyed each other, both in the mood to go hide behind the snack table to avoid all the new eyes on them.

Daphne and Freddie instantly got comfortable moved into conversation mode with a group of the cheerleaders. Shag turned to ask Velma if she wanted to hide in the big bowl of pretzels with him, but saw that she was already there, stuffing her face so she would have an excuse not to talk.

Of course Jesse McIntyre didn’t care and quickly approached her.

Now he was in dangerous territory, but luckily he seemed to be a master of one sided conversation seeing as Velma was only contributing the occasional nod and Jesse still looked thoroughly invested.

Shaggy smiled, still awkwardly standing at the entrance alone.

He looked over at Fred and Daph, one of the cheerleaders must have said something funny because Daph was letting out that amazingly terrifying laugh.

Fred’s laugh look so composed compared to her’s, a couple of the cheerleaders looked a little spooked by the noises coming from the girl’s mouth. Shag sighed, this was usually how parties ended up when all four of them went to one.

Fred and Daphne being the only ones brave enough to have conversations.

Velma letting other people start conversations with her.

And Shaggy standing alone near the snack table staring at his phone. 

Or in this case, staring at Daphne but that’s neither here nor there.

He wasn’t really sure how long he had just been standing like there staring at Daphne Blake like a sad asshole, but he soon felt a small hand grab onto his and begin to tug him toward all the “fun.”

Startled, he looked down and saw Natalie gripping onto him, a wide smile on her face.

Shag always thought it was a little weird that Nat had like the exact same shade of blue eyes that Fred did. Freddie constantly promises they aren’t related but Shaggy still didn’t totally buy it. He felt like someone had to be lying.

But other than the eyes, Nat and Fred were nothing alike.

Nat’s natural hair color was a light sunkissed brown, although she usually had it dyed some crazy unnatural color.

This month she had it dyed a dark purple that was darker at the roots and faded into a lighter purple at the tips.

He gulped, everything he was gonna look at for the rest of his fucking life would remind him of Daphne wasn’t it?

Cool. He was glad to be in a perpetual state of patheticness for all eternity.

His eyes shot back down to Nat, who was about the same height as Velms. Meaning she was far too small to him, like miles down. She giggled before saying, “I’m not letting you get out of having fun.” 

He groaned, “Aw damn it, so close.”

She giggled again and steered him toward a huddle of people.”

His heartbeat picked up, it was group of the football players. The same ones that would call him “Mop Top” and “The Jolly Green Giant.” He had no idea how to talk to new people that he knew nothing about. That was pitiful considering he had grown up with most of them and he could only recall their first names.

That big bowl of pretzels suddenly became incredibly tempting.

‘No! We’re not chickening out! This was our idea to begin with and we’re gonna follow through with it!’

‘Who the fuck is ‘we’?! I’m on my own moron.’

“Everyone,” Nat’s clear voice rang out and attracted the group’s attention like a suspicious noise attracted Fred away from Mystery Machine. “You guys remember Shaggy right?” Still not letting go of his hand, she pulled him forward so that they were both included in the man huddle.

A couple of them stared at him blankly, having no idea who the hell this tall boy was.

Most of them smirked and nodded.

A few looked sort of sheepish, probably remembering something rude they said to him or about him.

One guy, Christopher Merlin, said, “Yeah he’s with the Nancy’s right?”

Is that what the gang was officially branded as now? The Nancy’s?

Shaggy figured it could have been a lot worse, if anything is could be taken as a compliment.

A very backhanded one.

Nat sent them all a very intimidating smile and said, “He’s also the one who stood up to Hayden and the cheer squad and promised them he’d find me.” Shag raised an eyebrow and looked down at her, “Stood up to,” is definitely stretching his actions out way too far.

He had really only said something to Hayden because if he didn’t Daphne would probably scalp her.

He wasn’t totally sure how far the truth had been re-woven before it had reached Nat. So it was possible that all the attention she was giving him was misdirected. Or he was just refusing to believe that Velma’s pointless teasing had some light to it.

It was then that he realized that Nat was still squeezing onto his hand, and that alone was really weird. But the fact that they were in front of half of the football team made it seem like some crazy dream he’d have that Fred would try to over explain and Daph would ask what he had for dinner that night.

He had the strong desire to pinch his arm and suddenly wake up in a cold sweat.

All the stares he was getting from guys who had never really been on amazing terms with was making him ever regret convincing the gang to come to this thing.

Since when was he the one that cared about ending their high school days on a good note?

Nat had been carrying on a conversation for what seemed like a million years, Shaggy was just praying that she’d be done soon and just drag him over to the damn pretzels.

A better idea would be to let go of Nat’s hand and excuse himself from the conversation, that’s what Shag normally would do.

But Shag wasn’t exactly set to normal tonight.

He figured he’d be fine as long as he wasn’t directly addressed.

But of course the second he thought it, the fates chuckled and pulled their puppet strings, forcing Shaggy Rogers to be directly addressed at a high school party.

“So, Shagster,” That was a new one, “When the hell did you do that to your ears?” One of the players that was standing next to him, Shag was sure his name was Randy, tugged lightly on his right ear. The one with Daph’s earring in it.

Suddenly everyone looked back at him, a look of realization on everyone’s faces as they saw what Randy was gently yanking on.

Shaggy didn’t answer for a few seconds, as he was trying to collect his thoughts and his thoughts were currently a big jumble of, ‘Oh Zoinks. Fuckin. Shit Shit Shit.’

And he was fairly certain that all of those weren’t a proper response to Randy’s question.

‘Wait, what the hell did he ask me again?!’

‘Ears....’

‘Oh yeah.’

He let out a quiet breath and finally replied, “Like, um, at the beginning of this year. You know, because I was officially 18 so I wanted to do something dumb but not really dumb.” God this was painful.

“Yeah? Well, purple looks just darling on you.” Randy chuckled and turned back towards the group.

Shag let out a soft laugh, behind that laugh was the desire to go hide in the Mystery Machine. But that would mean letting go of Nat’s hand forcefully and just leaving the circle. And suddenly Shaggy was afraid of hurting these people’s damn feelings.

Seventeen year old Shaggy wouldn’t have cared.

But to be fair seventeen year old Shaggy only had to worry about the mask of the week and an occasional bad grade because he hadn’t gotten enough sleep the night before.

He was sure his hands felt incredibly sweaty in Nat’s, but of course she was barely acting like her holding his hand was beyond their current friendship level.

Suddenly his clammy hand that felt almost fused to Nat’s was pulled from the small girl’s grip and he swore he felt his hand take in a big gulp of air. 

Looking up he wondered what had forcefully released Shag’s hand from a death grip.

As he looked over he saw that familiar bright red hair rush between him and Nat, “Henry oh my word it feels like forever since I last saw you!” 

Daphne had run forward and pulled one of the players, now identified at Henry, into a classy side hug. Henry gave her a confused smile and chuckled, “Daphne I saw you in Macro this morning. You threw a pack of Skittles at me remember?”

Shaggy grinned, he remembered that.

Daph stared at the football player blankly, as if it occurred to her that he wouldn’t remember that. Eventually she let out a sheepish giggle and began to rub the back of her neck, “I-I guess that just feels like forever you know?”

Shag could feel his insides imploding for her, now she had been trapped in a painful social situation.

Henry just gave her a soft smile and turned his attention back to Randy, who was now rambling about how they took Skittles out of the school vending machines for some reason.

Daph let out a quiet, possibly relieved, sigh and turned back toward Shag sending him and amused look.

In return he gave her an apologetic one.

For a split second Daph’s eyes had left his and darted to the left of him. It was then that Shaggy remembered Nat was standing next to him, and had been gripping onto his hand up until a minute ago.

It came to his mind that Daphne didn’t need to run between him and Nat since it probably would have been much easier for her to just run between him and Randy.

He quickly brushed those thoughts to the side since this was Daphne and she tended to do everything without thinking about it and just ended up confusing herself when she was asked why the hell she did that.

After another minute of awkwardly standing in the middle of the huddle Daph silently took the spot between Randy and Shag.

Neither of them contributed anything to the conversations happening around them.

They just stood next to each other, and that was enough to make both of them feel safe.

Shaggy had shoved both of his hands in his pockets in fear that Nat might try to grab his hand again and then she would have to suffer holding onto his nasty, damp hands.

Occasionally the group would be sent into loud bouts of laughter, and during those times Daph and Shags would giggle along, pretending they 100% knew what hilarious thing had just been said and they also thought it was hilarious.

Sometimes she’d catch him looking at her and vice versa and then they’d look into each other’s eyes for a couple seconds before giggling awkwardly and turning away.

So far this party thing had been fairly standard for the two of them, although it had a pretty shaky start and Shag doubted he would ever actually get to the damn snack table. But that was okay, he thought, at least he wasn’t stranded and alone over here.

“So wait. Wait, wait, wait...” 

Everyone’s attention was drawn to the guy standing next Henry, Shag recognized him as Elliot, Daph recognized him as the 3rd date she had gone on during sophomore year.

“Daphne I thought you were dating the Jones guy?”

Shaggy looked down at her, she was wearing a very confused expression.

She bit her bottom lip let out a puzzled laugh, “Um....I’m not. W-We’re just friends as far as I can tell.”

Randy snorted, “Where the hell did that come from Elliot? Are we playing Truth or Dare, 8th grade edition?” Elliot gave him and annoyed glare, “Well fuckin’ I’m sorry dude! I just kinda always assumed Blake and Jones were and item and then the Nancy’s show up tonight and it’s fucking Blake and Rogers wearing the couples earrings.”

He lifted up his hands and gestured between the two of them.

Instantly all eyes were on them, and Shag could feel Nat’s powerful stare. 

That was it.

It was time to just die.

Anytime.

Right now preferably.

Daphne let out another nervous chuckle and Shag saw her fingers begin to fidget as she tried to think of a response.

Deciding he needed to help her, he took in a deep breath, “It’s- There not couple’s earrings. Like Velma just dared us to wear matching earrings to this party so that she would-um come.” That was never gonna get any easier was it?

Randy raised an eyebrow skeptically, and the rest of the team followed him.

Nat let out a chuckle, “So you two aren’t a thing?”

‘Define thing.’ Shag thought as he would admit that things were really complicated between them. But that was also none of their damn business.

He shook his head, “Like we’re just friends guys, right Daph?”

For a second he was wondering who he was asking the question for.

The crowd of curious football players and one student council president.

Or for himself, maybe searching for some sort of reality check that would remind him that Daphne was always gonna be in love with Fred.

That “always” was probably the biggest thing keeping his feelings hidden, so far down that even he didn’t see them. And maybe if he heard that “always” again in the form of her agreeing that they were just friends, than he’d be able to accept and move on.

But instead of Daph agreeing with him, she just stared up at him for several seconds, looking absolutely lost even though she knew right where she was.

And suddenly Shag felt lost too. There was no “always?” Where was it?!

What the hell did this mean now?

Daphne never answered his question.

Instead she exited the huddle and rushed past everything and everyone, and straight toward the exit into their courtyard.

And of fucking course Shag wasted no time following her because now they had been transported into some stupid rom com and chasing after her went right along with this Freeform worthy script.

Fred and Velma both sent concerned glance toward them but Velma signalled to Fred to just let them go.

He nodded, confusion clearly on his face.

The huddle plus Nat stared after them.

Nat let out another chuckle before turning back to the group.

“Elliot what door have you opened?”

Elliot scowled, “Oh sure it’s always my fault Miss ‘So like you are totally not dating right?’” He pretended to bat his eyelashes and twirl his hair with his fingers.

Nat rolled her eyes, “Randy, you’re the one that went to the same class as them, what do you think.”

He remained silent for a few seconds, maintaining a pensive look, “He asked her to dance at prom a couple months ago right? And she actually danced with him right?”

Everyone nodded and looked at one another knowingly.

Except Nat who seemed to be missing some crucial detail.

“So? Guys and girls can dance and not have it result in a marriage proposal.” She placed her hands on her hips.

The huddle all snickered before Henry clued the confused girl in, “Dear Natalie, we have basically grown up with Daphne always being a part of our life, dances included.” Nat still wasn’t getting why this was a big deal.

“During the eight year worth of dances, stupidly awkward middle school dances to trashy dance parties where losers spike the punch,” He sent an annoyed look over toward Randy, who just let out an exaggerated cackle, “Daphne Blake has never, and when I say never I fucking mean never-no exceptions, danced with anyone except Fred Jones.”

Shaggy groaned and ran his hands through his hair, what exactly was happening right now?

What was he trying to accomplish by chasing after her?

Was he trying to be dashing or something?

Because he doubted he looked anywhere near dashing as he tried not to trip on loose tiles.

Not to mention his hands were still in his pockets.

So he definitely looked like some sort of freakishly tall, armless creatures that was just bounding through nature.

Truly horrifying.

He wasn’t even surprised that Daph could run so fast even though she was wearing heels.

He had seen her take on some terrifying men in masks twice he size in six inch heels. 

Lucky for him, high heels weren’t particularly quiet shoes and so he had a distinct *clip clop* to follow. This went on for several minutes and he had the sinking feeling that Daph would never stop running for the rest of eternity.

So he decided to call out to her.

“Excuse me!! Daphne! Have you run out of juice yet?!”

He then turned a corner and was surprised to see that he had caught up to her quite a bit. Now she was only a few feet in front of him.

“Jesus I’d like to talk to you about the Avengers’ initiative, good God!”

He heard her let out a soft laugh.

She stopped running.

So did he.

She still hadn’t turned around to look at him.

He shifted his weight from on foot to the other, just staring at her messy red hair that had gotten wrecked up by the force of her endurance running through the whole damn school. 

When she did eventually turn around he was terrified.

Mainly because his brilliant rom com hero’s plot hadn’t been written out this far.

He stared at her for a few seconds.

She didn’t look mad or sad or happy or anything really.

She just looked like Daphne with messy hair and red cheeks.

What really sent his heartbeat going beyond the speed limit was that fucking glint in her eyes. Why was it there?!

‘Fuck it. Like we’ll do it live’

He took a couple steps forward.

He gulped.

Breathing was really hard if he thought about it.

“Daph, like what’s wrong?”

Brilliant, he clearly had grand control of this situation.

Daph looked down at her feet, an amused smile on her face.

When she did reply, it seemed annoyed, “Timing, that’s what’s wrong.”

He raised an eyebrow.

Timing?

Timing.

His eyes widened.

Timing!

Oh.

Timing.

“Yeah.”

Daphne looked back up at him, her eyes still practically glowing.

“Shags I.......I really wish I had danced with you sooner than the end of senior year.” She took a step forward and he instinctively took his hands out of his pockets, letting her grab onto both of them.

He intertwined his fingers with her’s instantly.

“I wish I had been smart enough to ask you sooner....”

She shook her head and smiled up at him.

“My dumb ass probably wouldn’t have said yes.”

He thought about for a second before nodding.

“And damn it, when I finally did say yes to you it fucking a few months before all four of us separate for our new lives!!” He saw her eyes begin to tear up so he squeezed her hands tightly.

She let out a pained chuckle, “I don’t suppose NYU happens to interest you at all huh?”

He smirked at her, “New York has amazing food, and you soon. But other than that I don’t see any appeal.” She sighed and nodded.

Silence.

For a long time, just silence.

“Wait so you are for sure accepted into NYU than?” She beamed brighter than any star he had ever seen, honestly all stars were posers compared to her damn smiles.

“Orientation starts August 26th.”

He squeezed her hands again.

“So I have one more summer with you....”

She squeezed back.

“Indeed you do.”

-

A/N Okay this took me way too long to write and I know it’s really long but the fact that it’s so long is why it’s been like eight millions years since i updated!

[pinksweatergettingbetter]

warning, the following has mainly snarky (and possibly furious) opinions on Spirit of Justice. Reader discretion is advised.

alright... here we go. we’re starting the big one. this... thing is almost over.

we’re going back to........ kooraheen to finish this.

time to strap in for the long haul.

-

did Dhurke hijack the PP show or was he just watching it and he decided to make that speech at his TV

i honestly can’t tell because of the weird way the scene was set. it looks like a reflection from a TV screen, but it also fades like a broadcast being intercepted...

fuck I'm just distracted by Dhurke’s stupid voice. and uncomfortable at the actress playing Rayfa. imagine being the princess and having your favourite show turn you into a weird damsel in distress being manhandled by ninjas. gross.

also yay! they’ve got the indiana jones orb!! time to melt off some faces...

-

ok it was a hijacked show... ...why is there a news report on this in America? Are American troupes assisting in the Kooraheenese war?

-

“Daaaa-aaaad. What’re you up to thiiiiis time???”

i love how not-giving-a-shit-about-it apollo is here. and by love it i mean hate it.

oh, your long-lost adoptive father just happens to pop up on television starting a revolution, and this is the first time you’ve heard from him in like 20 years? huh, no big deal.

-

AND ACE ATTORNEY TURNS INTO THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW

-

oh noooo... he’s one of THESE guys... ururughhhhghghgh

-

“Wait... don’t tell me you haven’t told anyone about me, son?”

“I’m sorry, dad, it’s just you didn’t exist up until now...”

-

“you just show up here without warning after all this time... what gives?”

apollo’s got a point there, pa. also Dhurke’s theme reminds me of Coach Oleander’s from Psychonauts

-

Apollo just instinctively knows that nobody wants to be around him unless they’re getting labour out of him. That’s... honestly really depressing. I mean I know it’s supposed to be a joke but I just can’t bring myself to laugh.

its just... apollo is legitimately so bitter and sad that i just feel awful for him. 

-

yeesh... this whole thing just started off super sour.

-

wait, the piano has sentimental value to phoenix? they mentioned he never practiced on it and he didn’t like being a piano player... does that mean this piano is something phoenix just happened to own, and has its own backstory? I WANNA KNOW

(snerk)

ok thats mean but it did make me laugh

-

the JACKET IS APOLLO’S

IT IS APOLLO’S

HOLY SHIT

the rest of this case can be total shit but at least we figured out the mystery of the discarded red jacket. 

-

“our houseplant was called apollo”

“was it a cactus?”

“How’d you guess?”

“cause apollo doesn’t get enough hugs, either!”

-

apollos dad is so cool he reads his son’s personal shit out loud. what a great guy!

-

“That’s too bad! You seem like you’d be a fun, cool guy to hang out with!”

when he wasn’t being a rebel and not having time for his kids, obviously.

-

THERE IT IS! 

siblings dont know theyre siblings joke is funny both normally and ironically because the writers need to FUCKIN GET ON THAT

also i love that he’s basically like “hey son, this girl doesn't resent me! you should marry her so that i can continue to get favours out of you!”

-

“What did Mr. Dhurke mean when he said he was the man who raised you, apollo?” i dunno, trucy... think with your mind brains...

-

“How come you never told me?!”

“Sorry, it’s just, capcom hadn’t butchered my backstory at that point yet.”

-

I honestly find it really weird that Trucy’s all chirpy about this. She of all people should know the sting of a dad just up and disappearing on you.

-

Dhurke: I have to steal this orb. I’m asking you two because youre lawyers.

Kay Faraday, sitting in the Capcom warehouse: (sneezes)

-

Dhurke: I made a stupid gamble. Hope you can bail me out, son I haven’t seen in 20 years!

-

nooo.... don’t bring Kurain Village into this, pleeeeaaase... I don’t want to have my favourite village ruined for meeeeee....

-

:3c i chose nope

-

i wonder what Trucy would do if Zak waltzed in and immediately asked her for a favour. tbf phoenix would probably launch him into the sun before he could set foot into the office but...

-

Ok... So Dhurke doesn’t actually want to fix the legal system; he just said that he wants to gain immense spiritual power which will somehow give him the legal authority to RULE Kooraheen. 

how does spiritual power have any effect on land deeds anyway? 

-

“Only the rulers of Kooraheen have ever laid eyes on the orb, Apollo”

and Ahlbi’s seen the box.

-

“I figured you were poor as fuck so I brought you a plate of sushi!”

ok either A) He thought so little of Apollo that he assumed he’d just be starving on the street

or B) He’s been keeping tabs on Apollo and knows that the WAA doesn’t make a lot of cash, yet he hasn’t made any attempt to contact Apollo himself. Until he needs a favour.

what a.... great guy.

-

what the FUCK

“here, as my second present... a PICTURE OF YOUR REAL DAD, THE ONE WHO CARED ABOUT YOU AND IS DEAD. HOORAY!”

i can tell theyre trying to do the ‘Hagrid gives Harry a photo album of his family for comfort” but its REALLY NOT THE SAME CIRCUMSTANCES.

-

His name was... JJ.

-

~as you know~

also why would a musician perform with magicians? 

-

y’know, ive seen pictures of Jove Justice so far. and A) he looks like a tool, and B) the designers were lazy as fuck and just slapped Apollo’s hair onto Phoenix’s face. I had a pretty negative opinion of him initially. I was thinking I wouldn’t like any of Apollo’s new dads.

But you know what? If they go deeper into Jove’s backstory and prove that he was a caring father, I’m ready to completely drop any criticisms of him and carry this guy on my shoulders

cause compared to Dhurke ill bet he's a freakin angel 

-

...welp... back to Kurain village. At least it’ll remind me of bygone days...

...heh, aw. it’s cute. i like the sparrows on the roof.

ooh! an updated theme, too! not quite as nice as the original but it is nice.

-

he was full of piss and vinegar

jesus

-

yeah, kids run around naked. its not super surprising.

-

“man, I miss that hut...”

apollo youre gonna make me cry;;

-

Ema: :) i’ll show you the way to Dr. Buff. SURPRISE, HES DEAD! AHAHAHAHHAHA

-

NOOO

MY SYSTEM FUCKED UP AND STARTED ME OVER FROM THE BEGINNING OF THE CHAPTER AAARGRRJHRFJ

id gone on a short break and i come back to this (weep)

-

...

does Dhurke have boobs..?

...or just extremely prominent pecs...

-

phew ok back on track. 

wait hold on. if Dr. Buff is in Kurain village, where is he staying exactly? All the houses in Kurain village are old-style Japanese; this appears to be a modern day number.

-

“please tell me youre joking”

“as if i’d come out here for a few laughs, Apollo”

yeah but youre not above leading him to the dr’s study and THEN telling him he’s dead WTF

-

ahah. further proof that stepladders are superior.

i mean i know he didnt actually fall off that ladder by accident or whatever but still

-

“you could say he died an honourable death...”

...crushed under his nerd books like a fuckin cartoon :T

-

YEAH

POPS

POHLFUCKYA

-

“I’m so sorry... It seems you’ve had quite a life.”

Why else would she say that except that some poor dialogue translator is secretly begging the series to stop fucking up his backstory

-

“I mean, middle-aged man with long hair and an eye-patch? You don’t see that everyday.”

just give Valant an eyepatch

-

hang on. why does an archeologist in America have Kooraheen’s founding orb anyway? I thought it burnt peoples’ faces off. And was super precious. Queen Garananana doesn't seem like someone who’d just hand out a precious ball like that.

-

oh huh they found an ugly dalek. thats two dalek references in this game now...

-

did i just... have a ladder conversation about a relic that looks like an airplane.

-

why does everyone keep making blithe jokes about the doctors horrible death..? does that usually happen or am i misremembering 

-

WHAT THE STATUE OF AMI AND THE URN AND THE GRAVY SCROLL ARE THERE NOOOOOO YOU GET YOUR SLIMY HANDS OFF THEM SOJ, PUT THEM BACK IN T&T WHERE THEY BELONG

god there’s even a coffee shelf. i guess this side of the room is the “Relics of a better game” section.

-

polly the clean freak. what a sweetheart :)

-

aw yeah baby

its printing time

-

oh yeah i forgot this version of printing SUCKS

but i do like the little pap sound it makes when you put down powder

-

...they have Datz and Dhurkes prints on file.

You guys sure rock at being undercover. 

-

ill give them credit for having the Dance of Devotion not rhyme in English.

seeing lyrics again just gives me flashbacks to Serenade tho

Guitar, Guitar... Up together to the sky...

-

MAY-OR DE-WEY

MAY-OR DE-We

wait that has the same number of syllables if you just say the pun

 PAUL-A TI-SHON

PAUL-A TI-SHON

-

...why the fuck is he in a palanquin 

anybody in a palanquin is bad news ALSO WHY DOES IT SAY RECLAIM THE GLORY OF KURAIN 

KURAIN DOES NOT HAVE POLTIICIANS. ESPECIALLY NOT MALE ONES.

SOJ. SOJ WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY.

-

oh yeah he’s a bad guy

-

...king of this fine nation. First of all... America doesn’t have kings. Second of all, Kurain isn’t a country, it’s a small village. Either he’s a moron or SOJ is fucking up at unprecedented speeds 

-

...did his theme song just ‘wheeee’

-

“Jerk Q. Public”

pffft

-

i wish you were golden boy. then you'd be morally questionable but entertaining. 

-

I'm very uncomfortable 

-

k so we’re back in Kurain and so far we’ve seen Zero women in total apart from Ema.

even the unnamed heckler was an old man.

is this the same Kurain Village I know?

-

wh- talk??

what do you mean talk???

i dont wanna talk to this guy he's a dickcheese!!!

-

Trucy’s 17 and she hasn’t studied politics at least a little yet? ...weird

-

“Its real name is the Crystal of Ami Fey”

wait what

-

“It’s been passed down for generations in the Atishon family”

WAIT WHAT

is he dicking around or is he distantly related to maya

or is he just totally dicking around

if so how dare he use Ami’s name in vain.

-

where is Datz from anyway

-

paul i dont mean to dash your hopes but becoming grand high emperor of kurain village will in fact not make you king of the world

-

datz sure is a good rebel... getting caught... and put in jail...........

damnit, Vore Machine, what am i gonna do with you?

-

well Apollo, from demon to deer. thats not bad.

-

dog-faced cop..??

if youre very sneakily referencing our old pal Gumshoe youve got another thing coming, Vore Machine. In the form of my fist.

-

“A shut-in? Sounds like it will be a challenge just to get a conversation going.”

yeah.... not like youve.... ever dealt with someone like that....... before....... hehe.... heh..............

-

how long has Datz been in jail if he already knows the cafeteria itinerary 

-

um guys; maybe you should be a tiny bit more concerned about Athena??

-

i just realized the Shichishito is gold. It’s green, you idiots. Or is that one too bent and bloody for display??

-

thats it folks thats spirit of justice 

apollo has become a living title drop

hes fuckin dead

-

what kind of bullets were those

-

yeah apollo, a fledgeling is equivalent to a private.

...also youre not a fledgeling youre near full experience capacity. this is your third... (and last...) year.

-

so Dhurke is in full stealth mode until it comes to a remotely operated drone that could have literally anybody on the other side? brilliant, pal. 

this is why your revolution’s taken like 23 years to get off the ground, jsyk.

-

...k komandir?

i thought you were supposed to be a parody of The Soldier. what are you doing calling people by Russian military names? did the red scare not happen in this reality?

-

pfft 

it’s so cute. 

im struggling between finding it adorable and being uncomfortable 

-

“in other words, something caused him to withdraw from the world...”

maybe his mom’s death??? maybe?????

does anyone in this game understand how a bad thing make a peoples’ brain go???

-

pretty impressive that a woman’s body could provide sufficient cushioning to soften such a drop.

-

lol. death attributed to random maniac. thanks soj.

-

“Private Justice! You’ve suffered a loss just like mine!”

“I have... and thats how I know how you feel.”

yes, i can remember exactly happened when i was a one-year old in diapers. exactly the same kind of pain and trauma.

look i know theyre trying to have a moment but there’s a huge difference between growing up orphaned and being recently bereaved. Sure, Apollo’s seen his fair share of hardship and his experiences aren’t to be devalued, but it’s not the same kind of pain as having your parents die later in your life, especially with the mom’s horrific demise.

Honestly, it’d make more sense if he brought up Clay, since Clay was with him since he was very small and his death was sudden and deeply unfair.

BUT CLAY’S IN THE PAST, CLAY DOESN’T EXIST, WHO’S CLAY?? I DONT KNOW BACK TO SPIRIT OF JUSTICE

-

YEAH

POHLFUCKYA DURKE

dhurke the burk  amiright attorneys 

-

“the opaque crystal orb is the key”

>needless adjective

>will come into play later in court

-

um so nobody’s gonna mention the blonde lady on his desktop background or........

-

i like sarge. i hope they dont turn sour when theyre revealed.

-

nice boot

ooh phosphorescence! neato!

-

pearl: hello I'm here to do something ive never done before to provide clues for this case. i hope i’ve been useful! thank you, and goodnight.

...as contrived as this is, i am glad to see someone who actually comes from kurain village.

-

wow, the gangs all here huh

-

so they renamed Eagle Mountain “”””mt. mitama”””” eh

nice...............

-

“you are at that age, after all...”

says apollo who's like 24

also why is she talking about all the women leaving the village? i thought it was the men. is this why i haven't seen any ladies? they all just shipped off downtown?? and of course there’s no mention of the creepy oppressive atmosphere and strictness of the village...

-

nice alliteration apollo

-

rain spirit at a bus stop and you hacks didnt make a Totoro joke?? lame

-

“Dj’you bring a light?”

“Ņ̮͔̜̬͖̝ͫͦ̄̒̀̾̆̓̀ͤͨ͋̓̈̑̂͗́ͤo̸̵͈͎̤͇̤̙̯͔̙͖̞̳̙̠̹̞̲̭ͣ́ͫ͌ͦ̒́͞ͅ?ͯͩͨ̾̅̈��̉̀̌͛̆͑̚҉̧͓̠͎̠͎̀̀”

-

how can you not recognize a foreign voice you idiot

-

“He tried to fucking kill us but he also gave us this flashlight. To um... see our slow death by starvation better I guess?”

-

“We couldn’t get back to where we started if we wanted to”

if you wanted to??? thats exactly what you want!!!

-

Klavier: Hello! This is flashback Klavier here to say: Don’t you miss me? Haha. I miss existing too. Oh well! See you next time~ ...i if there is one.

-

DEAD

-

aw, lucky you! you lucked into falling to your death directly to where you wanted to go!

-

“Yes! Time to find that orb! When we have it, we can....rot here for eternity.”

...ok i know the doc found a way out but still

-

wHAT THE FUCK

THAT HOLE IS LIKE 40 FEET UP

...oh well, if phoenix can survive it, so can they..?

-

i love that there are various sea-related items scattered around that give an obvious way out but only yield “durr??? a sea thing??? how this get here??????????” when inspected 

-

whats with dhurkes’ magic eyes

-

mmmmmmmm a slide puzzle great

“maybe the ppictures correspond to the song”

NO

REALLY??

what is with this game and not outright stating the obvious? its not like it spoils the player or anything; it just makes the WAA look like idiots

-

fuck this I'm gonna finish this stupid puzzle without this game’s help or die trying 

-

...ah. my personal need for pattern and order blinded me to the truth

oh well; it’s open now. i’m gonna smash Eshiro’s stupid smirking face with it.

-

“opening that box means you're the best lawyer ever! enjoy leaving the series forever!!!”

-

“A royal stole that orb”

stole it... as opposed to just taking it and doing whatever they want with it because it’s theirs and there’s absolutely no reason to have to “steal” it. 

unless they wanted to frame the rebels i guess but like. theyre rebels. theyre already pretty hated

-

“it would be seen as utter sacrilege to let a foreign man study this artifact”

oh also it would debunk that whole “explodes your face if you look at it” thing

-

...here we go...

-

“he used to be a nice kid, but now...”

he’s an enourmous shitstain?

“he tried to convict trucy for a crime she didnt even commit...”

ok, apollo. there are a zillion valid reasons to hate sadmad, and yes, his reasoning in that trial was shit. but just being a prosecutor and doing what a prosecutor is meant to do doesn’t make him evil. he isn’t about to just roll over because the defendant’s your sis–– er, best friend.

-

he... could be playing the long game, and interfering could fuck up his plan, Dhurke. Also how was he a rebel and then somehow managed to get into good graces with the royals? It’s already been proven that Dhurke’s Dummy Dragon Gang suck at being stealthy or having any sense of self-preservation. I doubt they just wouldn’t recognize Sadmad

-

“it’s not conviction that fills his heart; it’s resignation and despair”

are you telling me Sadmad is the equivalent of a guy in a dead end office job taking it out on his coworkers

-

“The only thing I know for sure is... Nahyuta is suffering, and he is suffering in silence”

edgeworth: been there, done that!

blackquill: BEEN THERE, DONE THAT

-

ya sure put a lot of stock in Sadmad, Dhurke. i mean i guess he’s your son but seriously; if you're a proper rebel you’d cut your losses and get on with shit already with or without him

-

...y’know, this speech about lawyers being like dragons kind of doesn’t have the same emotion impact and gravitas that the non-dragon one in T&T did.

-

oh how... charming...

*America’s* badge is shaped like a sunflower... and Kooraheen’s is shaped like a buggy eye.

-

YARGH

dont DO that

your voice is BAD

-

“he’s my son! therefor he has to believe in the same thing as me! nothing, not even torture could have changed him!”

cue Gredgeworth’s awkward cough from the afterlife.

-

“You know, I remember when Nahyuta and I were kids, he used to say with great pride ‘I have the blood of a dragon in me!’”

cue tiny apollo feeling left out and alone because he doesn’t know what kind of blood is in him 

-

>reform court system

>rescue son

well... i guess there could be worse reasons to start a revolution.

-

“I mean, what are fathers for?!”

( ‘I... I wouldn’t know...’) 

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT, GAME

ARE YOU TRYING TO BREAK MY HEART

YOU CAN’T GIVE APOLLO ALL THESE EMOTIONS WHEN YOU’RE ALSO SHAFTING HIS ASS AT THE SAME TIME

SHAME ON YOU

-

HE HAS A BROKEN ARM

HOWS HE GONNA SWIM

-

oh its high tide yay

oh it’s... really high tide

wow.

-

well this is fun. i daresay id really like this sequence... if it wasn’t in this game.

-

“oh no... the water might carry me up to the way out of here... how awful.”

lol can you imagine if this was timed tho

-

oh hey it’s the DD panic panic song. i liked that one. it deserves its spot in the suspense music roster.

-

y’know at this point i kinda hope he really just dies

wouldn’t that be a kicker

not that i hate apollo or anything but I'm just............... so tired

-

apollo’s pretty calm for a drowning person

i’ve nearly suffocated before and the only thing going through my head was AIR AIR AIR GET AIR GET AIR GET AIR AIR AIR

-

baby apollo: waahhhh!!! we’re both perfectly dry!!! the artist didn’t bother to make us look wet in the flashback!

-

A) Little Apollo doesn’t even call Dhurke “Daddy” or “Papa” despite being raised by him since infant hood, possibly meaning Dhurke gave him the ‘You’re adopted” speech pretty early. Or else kids that “aren’t really my son” have to go by name basis. See? Nahyuta calls him father. 

B) Haha! Boys don’t cry, not-son! Suck those sissy tears back up into your skull, or you’ll look gay! It doesn’t matter that you’re like five and you almost drowned to death! Don’t embarrass me!

-

“Don’t ever hesitate to call when you need me”

oh but apollo your ass gets shipped back to america tomorrow ok

-

no seriously. on one hand; why did apollo get sent away? why couldn’t he be a rebel alongside nahyuta and fight for his family? on the other hand, why didn’t dhurke send nahyuta with him? if apollo’s going away because it’s dangerous, why is nahyuta staying with dhurke in the path of danger?

to be honest I'm ashamed that I'm crying, but it’s less about this scene being sad as fuck and more about the fact that I know that none of this is ever really resolved. Dhurke is still a piece of shit who made no attempt to contact apollo for years until he needed a favour out of him. and Apollo has to live with this stupid backstory because ESHIRO thought it would be dramatic and cool. Apollo’s going to “go home”, leave the series... He doesn’t even know he’s leaving his last scrap of real family who gives a shit about him behind in America.

Apollo doesn’t deserve this. 

-

Dhurke, with superman theme playing in the background: Redeeming my character! By saving your life! Redeeming my character! By saving your life! Though only a heartless, shithead person, would leave you behind to die! So this isn’t great.

-

...is he holding him in his broken arm

wait is that arm even broken

has he just been holding it like it’s in a sling for no reason this whole time

-

“Still can’t swim, eh?”

oh fuck off 

-

“Good thing your name’s not Neptune, hahahaha!”

A) OH FUCK OFF

B) NEPTUNE IS A SEA GOD, HE’D ACTUALLY BE RESISTANT TO WATER

-

WHOA FUCK HOLY SHIT

vore machine came out of nowhere and oh

also he is also laughing at a guy who almost drowned

well aren’t these two just the greatest men on earth huh

Trucy: :) lets make this drowning thing seem like no big deal by playing it off and not even asking if you're okay at all :))))

-

great... now he owes his life to him.... that completely cancels out every other piece of baggage.....

remember........ when edgeworth owed his life to phoenix......... remember how he was 100% okay after that and not fucked up at all................ remember how he just popped back into the series without any changes whatsoever apart from being phoenix’s friend again........................................

-

“GLAD TO SEE YOURE NOT CRYING SON; IM GLAD YOU GREW UP INTO THE EMOTIONALLY STUNTED MAN I ALWAYS WANTED, EVEN WITHOUT MY STELLAR PARENTAL GUIDANCE! THAT LONELY ORPHANAGE MUST HAVE TOUGHENED YOU UP GOOD! HAH-HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!”

-

y’know in the interim i was thinking 

Rebel Apollo would be great. he’d probably be an enormous goofus but at least he’d be happy and maybe Dhurke’s shitty plan would get off the ground because an actual smart person would be part of the team.

-

listen to that fuckin “we solved the case” music.

(sigh)

at least apollo is eating.

Turnabout Revolution... End

heh i wish

-

“Sure wish Nahyuta was here”

I don’t.

-

you fucking morons. you colossal fucking asshats. i knew this was coming

Dhurke: DURR LETS TALK ABOUT THIS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT ITEM IN A PLACE WHERE WE KNOW THE GUY WHO WANTS THIS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT ITEM IS! WHATS A STEALTH????

This is why the revolution has taken 20 FCKIN YEARS to take off. Because Dhurke and his band of nincompoops are all incompetent fuckwits.

-

huh i can see where Nahyuta gets his magic clap from.

also say it you loser say bitch

say bitch

say bitch

say bitch

-

A) If the “crystal” is a fake thing, his police report probably wouldn’t check out cause I'm P sure that people can’t just file police reports for anything without proof of previously owning it.

B) Dhurke. You’re a rebel. Shoot someone. Throw a smoke bomb. Gently jog away? Idk if that works in America but it sure as hell works in Kooraheen.

-

no. don’t do it. don’t you fucking do––

oh, i just saw a ghost.

The ghost of the potential any sequels past AJ had. It blinked at me sorrowfully before CAPCOM busted it and crammed it into the Containment Unit.

-

(sigh) Ok (most likely) fake shit aside, that would make Atishon related to Maya, and the “heirloom” would more probably be Maya’s. Why is this excuse present at all anyway it’s stupid.

-

Apollo it shouldn’t fuckin matter; it’s a court case. Just prove the orb isn’t the Crystal of Ami Fey and you win the case. You know that Phoenix doesn’t cheat and you’re pretty certain that the crystal really is the Founder’s Orb, so you shouldn’t be upset about anything. This isn’t a murder trial, it’s a dispute over ownership of an item. You know you’re in the right, so you ought to be able to win the trial. There’s literally no stakes apart from the fact that you’re facing your boss... but so what? That can happen... I assume, I’m not versed in that sort of thing. But either way, lawyers sometimes have to face off against each other... it happens. You had to face Nahyuta. Now you face Phoenix. Unless you think Phoenix will cheat, or that you don’t have sufficient info on the orb, then there’s legitimately no fucking problem. I mean yeah, sucks to go to court, but who gives a fuck? Win the trial and skip back to Kooraheen to overthrow the oppressive regime.

-

I don’t 

what is the fucking problem

one of you gets payed, you both work at the same place

it doesn’t matter

-

APOLLO. You KNOW his methods. You know that he wins because his clients are innocent, and would graciously hand over victory if it was clear you were in the right; YOU HAVE TO KNOW THIS. YOU’RE HIS BIGGEST FAN, REMEMBER??

Unless you think he’d fucking cheat for a skeezy politician for money in which case, nice. Gotta love that trust and belief that DD was building up there.

“Can I do it? Can I fight him?” YES ITS NOT EVEN A MURDER TRIAL

-

“May the best attorney win” 

well so much for finding the truth or whatever. Also Phoenix should be proud that Apollo is willing to go up against him; it shows he’s coming into his own. There’s literally no reason for them to be on shit terms right now.

-

“A fine mess I’ve gotten you into, son.”

Hey shithead that wasn’t an apology. Also yeah, go on and on about how good a lawyer Phoenix is just to scare Apollo. Brilliant.

-

“The first step of your revolution, huh?”

The first step. 20 years and he’s only just taking the first step. Not the first step to the end of the revolution; the first step to the revolution itself.

-

Welp, we’re off to fight over the possession of an oversized marble in court. Seeya next time i guess...

[tybalt-tisk]

The Roads We Take. Chap 1.

Shiro and Allura are childhood friends. ~

Alfor Altea, despite his meek outer appearance of being a man with gentle blue eyes and a soft voice to match it, was nothing less than cutthroat in the business world. As the cofounder and one of the active CEOs of Voltron Technology, he had to have the ideal characteristics of a natural born leader; tough, determined, and a zero tolerance for bullshit. He didn’t get to where he was, as one of the youngest CEOs to run a billion dollar company to date, by being soft. It was imperative that his rivals feared him, his investors trusted him, and his employees followed him.

Just because he was considered cutthroat in conference rooms does not mean that he wasn’t a humble man. He respected his employees and considered each and every one of them a valuable part of his team. ‘A person who feels appreciated will always do more than what’s expected. ’ His late grandfather’s words churn in the back of his head as he makes his way through the grand lobby of his building. He had always made sure that he’d heard each and every one of their suggestions regardless of how small they may be with an open mind.  

Alfor made his way to the luxurious elevators. He stood at an impressive height as he pressed the elevator button and waited for the car to arrive. He gave a small nod of a greeting to the security guard as he waited for his morning espresso to kick in. In his tired state, he missed the small snicker the security guard made before he swiveled in his chair back around towards his desk to hide his face.

Alfor was never a morning person. He never got used to it even after these last few years of waking up at 5:45am daily to start his work day. And he probably never will. He was in the middle of letting out a well-deserved yawn, only for it to be cut short when tiny hands painfully jerked on his facial hair.

“Papa!” The four year old in his strong arms yelled. “Stay still so I can finish!” The toddler continued to pull and twist at the sensitive white hairs on his chin and neck. He wasn’t able to fully see what she had been up to because of the close proximity to his body she was propped up on, but he could tell from the look in her eyes that she was on a crash course to fuck him up.

“Of course, Junibee, my mistake,” He winced out an apology as she continued to manhandle him any way she saw fit with her tiny fingers that lack the fine motor skills to actually do anything immaculate.

At that moment, here in the lobby of his billion dollar company, her hand’s sole purpose was to tangle and mesh. Tangle and mesh beyond repair. He knew that Head and Shoulder’s wasn’t going to be enough. No, not this time.

Enter Allura. She was the co-CEO’s sole heir as well as his pride and joy. His central source of happiness. His personal, toddler sized alarm clock because the good Lord above knows that she wakes up every morning at the ass crack of dawn ready to take on the day with the intensity of any given machine in a candy factory that runs purely on spite.

She was almost a spitting image of him. She had wide, crystal blue eyes that twinkled with constant sass and mischief and she possessed long curly, white hair that defied the laws of gravity as it spiraled out in random directions before falling passed her shoulders. Her physical features were all inherited from him, but that fiery personality, that was all her mother’s.  

He missed Lobelia immensely. She had fallen ill shortly after Allura’s birth and didn’t live long enough to see Allura’s first birthday. Even with her gone, he could see his wife in their daughter every day. In even the most simplest of things, such as the way she cocks her head to the side when she’s confused, or how when she shakes her tiny fist when she’s frustrated. He even sees in wife in her now as she bosses him around with the hands of a fucking lumberjack.

His Junibee.

His precious, aggressive, smartass Junibee.

Chubby hands suddenly grabbed him by his cheeks snapping out him out of his thoughts.

His precious, aggressive, smartass, rude Junibee.

“I need ribbons.” She whispered seriously. “You did remember to bring the ribbons, didn’t you? Papa, answer me.” She questioned his competence as if though those ribbons held the pentagon’s top secrets.

He shifted her  in his arms slightly before carefully setting her down on the ground. Alfor swung the teeny tiny pink and orange glitter backpack over his shoulder so it rested on the ground in front of him. He saw tiny pieces of glitter dwindling around them onto the floor and he was more than sure that his black, expertly tailored suit was bedazzled to hell.

“Of course,” He started as he searched the tiny backpack with his large hands. “What kind of father would I be if I didn’t remember to bring the ribbons?”

He honestly forgot the ribbons that morning and made up an excuse to go back into the house to retrieve them, but he’d be damned if Allura actually knew that. He would take this secret to his grave.

He fished out three ribbons of different colors and patterns and held them to her eyelevel so that she could choose. “Which one would you like, Junibee?”

Allura grabbed the green one with a lace trim with her left hand and the blue one with spots in her right hand. She then held it up to Alfor’s beard. Her head cocked to side -Ah, there she goes again- as she seriously thought about which one would complement her Papa best.

“Having the usual morning fashion crisis, Altea?” A deep voice with a hint of playfulness interrupted Allura’s crucial decision making. Both looked up to see a tall, well built, olive toned man with a smirk on his face. The man had deep set amber eyes that held a hidden darkness. He was a good head taller than Alfor and almost twice the size because of pure muscle. He wore a deep blue suit that fit snug over his heavy built body and a black suitcase gripped tightly in his large hand. To say he looked incredibly intimidating was an understatement.

“Zarkie!” Allura shouted as she ran at him with her arms spread as wide as she could to embrace him. Before she could get too close, a large hand landed firmly on top of her curly white hair as it stopped her dead in her tracks. Her small arms still reaching desperately towards him to make any sort of glitter infested contact.

“Not today, kiddo,” Zorkon said as he continued to hold back the way too eager child. “I have an important meeting this morning and I can’t show up looking like I spent the night with Tinkerbell.” Zarkon laughed at his own words as he ignored Alfor’s annoyed look at the adult joke that flew over his only child’s innocent head.

“Could you not say things like that in front of my incredibly observant child?” It was true, Allura was extremely observant and could absorb loose information like a sponge. She had learned her first cuss word at three and learned how to properly use it in a sentence by sundown the same day.

Alfor had not only made sure to watch his language around her, but made sure his entire corporation followed his strict guidelines about foul language. He remembered the day he sent out an email to all of his employees after she dropped her first F-Bomb loudly in the middle of the park when tripped and fell on the gravel. When he asked her where she heard such language, she then continued to rat out his entire organization. Doesn’t she know that snitches get stitches? Apparently not, because she everyone under the bus that she was driving.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ From: Alfor Atlea, Cofounder and CEO of Volton Tech To: Valued Employees Subject Line: Don’t Cuss Around My Fucking Child. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It included all of the words forbidden to be said around Allura and included a helpful chart of alternative ones, including, “Gadzooks” “Sheet” and his personal favorite, “Good Gravy”. The consequences would depend on the severity of said learned word. It also warned them to look twice before cussing out loud because Allura was sneaky.

She was really sneaky.

She had practically grew up in the huge building she now called her Castle. She knew her way around this giant building like the back of her hand. And at only four. What a feat. He could admit that he was indeed proud. It had also set his fears at ease to know that she would never truly be lost in the grand halls of the building. It was her Castle after all.

He also remembered the response he received back from Zarkon within minutes of sending it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ From: Zarkon Galra, Cofounder and CEO of Voltron Tech To: Altea Subject Line: I Read Your PSA and I Realized Something

 You got me fucked up. We both know that your girl is going to grow up with a mouth that could rival a sailor that retired to become a truck driver in the southern states. My colorful vocabulary will not stop that. 

PS: Remember that we have lunch with Arus Industries today at 11:30. Change your tie because it’s fucking hideous. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alfor knew it was true. Both about his daughter growing up to talk like a drug cartel leader and his tie. His tie was ugly that day. It looked good on the rack when he’d bought it. The lighting was deceiving in that store. They knew what they were doing to their loyal customers; playing them for fools. To be called out in personal emails.

He never knew about the email Zarkon sent out the same day. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ From: Your Emperor To: Minions Subject Line: Watch Your Fucking Mouth Anybody caught using filthy language around my godchild, will have to answer to me. That is all. PS: The Company picnic is next Saturday, there will be food to eat and games to win. Win. Second place is just a first place loser. Bring your A Game, Team. Go Wildcats. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alfor come back to the present, far away from his ugly tie days. He reached out to pick up the abandoned ribbons from the ground. “Also, what meeting are you referring to?” He had no time to check his agenda for the morning because of the slight detour of going back to the house to pick up you-know-what, so he had no time to brief himself for the day.

“I have an interview with a transfer from Osaka,” Zarkon started debriefing his business partner. “She is the top of her branch at Marmora Corp and I want her for my team, I need her for my team, Alfor. I’ve heard impressive things about her. It’s crucial that she joins Galra.” He checked his phone for new emails as he continued to hold back Allura. She was still going strong. A Trooper.

Even though the company as a whole is Voltron Technologies, the two CEOs had two very distinct thoughts on leadership and how to run a team. Alfor saw it as an opportunity for open minds to come together letting their creativity flow, creating new ideas out of the combination of different ideas. Zarkon saw it more like a chain of command. True, he did believe that teamwork was crucial; however he thought productivity would be better there was a central voice of command to create unity. Unlike Alfor’s free range, free thinking hippie chickens.

Their opposing ideals led them to separate Voltron into two branches: Altea and Galra. It turned out to be one of the greatest ideas they’ve ever had. Where one branch lacked one a crucial element, the other picked up effortlessly. Altea’s strong suit was coming out with new ideas rapidly, but lacked on ways to produce it at a cost friendly rate. That’s when the Galra Branch would come in with a solution that benefited both the company and the consumer. Galra was astounding with the financial aspects of the company but severely lacked with style designs of products and the Altea Branch take over.

Once a week, the two branches would come together for a board meeting where each CEO would have their best minds come together to propose new ideas and solutions. Separate, the two branches were strong, but when they came together, they were impenetrable. They were Voltron.

Alfor listened to him closely as he zipped up the tiny sparkly backpack. “Osaka, huh?” He looped his arm into the sling and swung it over his shoulder. “That’s quite the distance. Is she moving just for the new job?”

He then bent down to scoop Allura back up into his arms before she threw a royal fit. Her attitude changed immediately when Alfor offered her the ribbons he had tucked under his arm. She then continued to play with the abused hairs on his face trying in vain to intertwine the colorful pieces of fabric into his beard.

Zarkon was still scrolling through his emails when he answered. “No, her husband is in the Air Force and she wanted to move closer to him because she wants her son to have both parents a stable part of his life. Her son is about Allura’s age, if not a tad bit older.” He finally looked up to see Allura’s fully concreted face trying to braid her father’s beard.

“What’s her name?” Alfor asked, suddenly curious of the possible new hire.

“Aiko Shirogane,” Zarkon answered while tucking his phone away in his suit’s breast pocket. “I told her she can bring the little guy to the daycare if she didn’t have a sitter. She seemed pretty elated that we had a free daycare on site. Great idea, by the way, I think that already swayed her into joining my team.”

Alfor couldn’t take all the credit for the daycare idea. Allura had been a huge factor into the thought. When one of his top employees kept coming in late, he had asked him about it because it began to take a toll on his patience. The employee had explained that every morning, he takes his daughter to a daycare clear across town in the middle of rush hour. The commute in this city was atrocious at the wrong time of the day. Alfor had questioned why he didn’t just take the girl to one of the many daycares around this area. “We simply can’t afford it. These are all incredibly expensive daycares, sir.” The employee explained to him slightly embarrassed having to admit that he couldn’t afford his child care.

Allura, being the sneaky child she was, overheard the conversation and suggested that Voltron should open a daycare so he and the other parents don’t have to drive so far and they wouldn’t be too late to work if the child actually come to work with them. It actually wasn’t a bad idea. It would save all of the parents in the company so much time and money. Plus, he would love to be closer to his daughter and even take some of his lunch breaks with her. Alfor could easily get the credentials to open one on site. There were a few rooms on the fourth floor that could have their walls knocked down to create a room on big enough for a dozen or so toddlers.

He changed that employee’s clock in time for the time being so he could get his daughter to daycare every morning and within a month, Tiny Voltz opened for business. It was free of charge for any parent that needed a daycare if they chose to use it. The new staff he and Zarkon hired was incredibly friendly and highly qualified for the job. Allura, to say the least, absolutely loved it. She now had a place where she can play with other children her age every day. He hadn’t realized that she was such a social butterfly before then. He supposed that it was good for her too, to keep her busy and from roaming the halls of the building.

Most of the time.

She still snuck out anytime she pleased. He’d never forget the look of fear the daycare employee gave him as she him that she couldn’t find his daughter. “Oh yeah, she-she does that. She’ll show up eventually.” He reassured her while rubbing the back of his neck. The look of confusion on the poor girl’s face was one for the cameras.

“Cheese and Crackers, how long does this frackin elevator take?” Zarkon was beginning to get frustrated because he realized how long he’d been standing there, snapping Alfor out of his thoughts.

“You did read the PSA…” Alfor gave him a teasing sideways smile while keeping his head faced forward so Allura can continue to impress only herself.

“Can’t have my Little Truck Driver here make a bad influence on the potential new hire’s kid, now can we?”  Zarkon said in a voice that was higher in octave towards Allura rubbing his large hand over here already frazzled white hair. Then he lowered his voice deeply, “Don’t ruin this for me, kiddo, or else.” He lightly threatened.

Allura turned her head slowly, her fingers coming to a slight halt. “You don’t scare me.” Throwing him a glare then continuing to manipulate maul her current project.

“That glare is going to ruin lives, Alfor. You hear me?” Zarkon told his friend, slightly shook that a four year old could muster that much animosity with just a look effortlessly.

The elevator car finally arrived and they all stepped in. Alfor shifted Allura to one arm while he pressed the button for the 4th floor which the daycare was on and also pressed the button for the 11th floor for Zarkon’s stop. The elevator stopped on the 4th floor and Alfor moved to step out. He turned to him to him, “Good luck with the interview, Zark. I trust your judgement with this one.”

Alfor turned to step out, but not quick enough because Allura was quick enough to mash her whole hand all over the keypad, effectively highlighting all of the buttons before they stepped out, dooming Zarkon to ride the rest of the way with a stop on each floor.

“You should have given me a hug, Zarkie. Now suffer.” Allura yelled over her Papa’s shoulder as he carried her out.

Son of a fucking bitch.

“I censored myself for you, you little sh-!” The elevator doors cut him off before they went up one floor. Alfor laughed as he could hear Zarkon yelling in frustration from the floor above them.

“That wasn’t nice, was it Junibee?”

“Probably not.” Allura said back with not a single drop of regret on her face.

That’s my girl.

Alfor made his way to the brightly colored doors that led to the main lobby of Tiny Voltz. Opening the door, he was greeted with the friendly employee, Amy. He thanked her when she relieved him of the tiny backpack and placed into one of the many cubbies. None of the other children had gotten there yet. She was usually the first anyway because of how early Alfor usually arrived to work. He was sure she’d be alright until the other kids filtered in over the next hour. He then looked down at Allura. “You almost finished, Junibee?” He smiled when she stuck her tongue out in concentration, adding the last touches to her monstrosity masterpiece.

“Done,” His face must have been tiny hand magnets because he once again found his cheeks with her glitter jazz hands on them. “You are now beautiful. You are now a pretty, Prince King.”

“A ‘Pretty Prince King’? he raised a white eyebrow. “You mean a pretty Prince or a pretty King? Because Junibee, you can’t be bo-“ she put her entire hand on his mouth to silence him. Glitter moustache too? Fuck me.

“Yes you can….if you believe.” She once again did that whisper shit that slightly scared him.

“You’re absolutely right. I need to believe more.” He said once he removed her whole fucking hand from his face. He set his sunshine on the ground and stayed crotched down at her eyelevel. He gave her a kiss on her forehead, “I’ll see you later, Junibee. If I get out too late, I will send Coran down here to get you, okay?” He knew she hated when he worked too late. It made them both cranky. Maybe the thought of Coran, Allura’s favorite employee, could sooth her temper.

“Coran!” Her attitude slightly perking up. “Okay Papa, I love you.” She stepped up to him to give him a hug goodbye, burying her face in the crook of his neck.

“I love you more, Junibee.” He said back lovingly. He stood up to his full height and turned to leave.

“Goodbye, my sweet Pretty Prince King.” She loudly whispered in the creepiest way possible. Amy gave her a weird look, obviously psyched out by the awkward exchange.

Allura, what the fuck?

“Be good, Allura!” he said before he’s have to answer to Amy’s judgmental eyes. He stepped into the elevator and pressed his floor. He silently hope that Zarkon was still on his way up, one floor at a time.

When he was in the elevator before, Allura’s body completely obscured his view of his reflection in the shiny doors. But now, with nothing but his shame and misfortune, he could fully take in his appearance. His white beard was twisted up, poking out in all different directions with flashes of color running through them made by the ribbons. Not to mention there was just glitter. Everywhere. Not only on his face, but all over his suit and shoes as well.

Well shit.

He checked his watch. He still had time before the rest of his team clocked to fix himself up to avoid the embarrassing reveal. He knew deep down that glitter doesn’t come out. But he could believe.

He just had to believe.

This also on AO3.

[tube-thoughts-blog]

Vol. 13

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

--- "Studs":

*Personality matters little to these early 1990s bimbos on this dating game show

*They want a guy with a "wild side" (code for douchebag)

*One of their potential hunks is wearing dress shirt, tie, and shorts. 90s ensemble

*The women can't decide if the second hunk is a beefcake or a 6 foot tall bowling pin

*The guy in shorts is called a mix between John Wayne and a mime. John Wayne is nothing like a mime. Stoic, maybe. John Wayne would punch out a mime, if ever bothered by one.

*Shorts hunk dissed his date because he saw his hero Bobby Brown in an elevator

*Not much else to say about these bland dates between California girls and Midwest boys

close to 2 stars

----------------

--- Tori Amos on MTV's Loveline:

*After the bummer of hearing about Tori's abuse hotline, we have a Gen X'er call in tot alk about how his girlfriend accidentally ripped out his penis piercing and he's afraid to go to the doctor

*A guy, with his back to the camera while wearing an airbrush painted t-shirt that reads: "Boo Hoo!", has a problem with his girlfriend not wanting to look at him during oral sex. I can't see his face, but I don't even want to look at him, period.

*A guy, w/ a butt-cut hairstyle and a flannel shirt, is down cause his first love "dogged" him and broke his heart after taking his cherry. Now, he can't score with new chicks.

*Tori calls him a pussy. Not really, but, basically.

*We get a pierced nipples question via 90s internet video live feed

*A guy calls in with a weird obsession about bear feet. Oh, bare feet. Well, that's not too weird. Many weirdos have that.

*Tori thinks he should work at a shoe shop. It didn't work for Al Bundy. He hates women and their feet.

*Talk about how having kids is a cockblock to getting dates

*The set for LoveLine is very 90s with a coffee shop lounge feel and couches along with a big screen that's multiple screens attached together.

*Tori doesn't want her lover thinking about the girls on "Friends" while she's making love to them.

*Tori reminds me of a psycho chick who'd try to sacrifice a dove, for some weird symbolic reason, while she was in the throes of passion.

*A girl had two affairs. One of them with an "indivijiBILL" (what it sounded like she said). Now she don't know who da baby daddy. Call Maury, in a few years, he do dem dna baby daddy tests.

*LoveLine has a cappuccino bar on the set. It's for people who are ashamed of looking at another person when talking about sex. A sort of hipster confession booth.

*One guy is nervous about his girlfriend dressing up like Wonder Woman during sex

2 stars

----------------------

--- TV CARNAGE:

*Great Acting Is Great Acting, Especially With Titties: Do you wanna see my horribly disfigured chest or not?* 2 stars

*How To Commit Social Suicide: "Be expressive and let it rip." Air piano. Not flatulence.* between 2 & 2 1/2 stars

*Microwave Brain: Hasselhoff stresses over poodle poo.* 1 star

*Mighty Fine Man: It's a lust thang.* close to 2 stars

*Shoplifting Is Fun!: Johnny 5's cousin robot is a hood.* close to 2 1/2 stars

---------------

"Dance Party USA, 1980s NEW WAVE DANCING AND HAIR!" *In the 80s, cool kids did weird things like wear their shoes on their hands.*         2 1/2 stars

Rescue 911 w/ William Shatner: Boy vs. Gasoline Volcano *The re-enactments on Rescue 911 & Unsolved Mysteries are perfect time capsules for thelate 1980s & early 1990s.* 2 1/2 stars

A Haunting: Phantom Room *"Instead of holy water, highly flammable liquid is used, and if it ignites, it's a sign that a spirit is present." Gee, I wonder if it will ignite... A junkie overdose is angry and needs to be evicted from a suburban garage. Destination America is supposed to be a postcard network for American life, I'm thinking. America, where ordinary life happenings can psych a family out so much their lives begin falling apart and they blame the results on the supernatural.* 2 stars

USA Saturday Nightmares: The Dummy (1982) *Ventriloquist dolls are creepy, but it's hard to consider them actually scary. That is unless they're sliding butcher knives underneath the bedroom door. This comes from an era of really good & inventive horror shorts.*                         between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Ripley's Believe It Or Not!: episode 2 (1985) *Surgeons remove two toes, from the feet of a Chinese man, fitting them as a makeshift pincer in place of a missing hand. Believe that.* 2 1/2 stars

"Wild Man of Navidad" (2007) *No country for old bigfoot. Some might see the wild man itself as undercooked, but the greasy hicksploitation sticks to the ribs better'n chicken fried steak & gravy.* close to 3 stars

X Files: Roland *From beyond a cryo-frozen genius controls his autistic twin to complete his groundbreaking scientific work.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

--- Phone Losers:

*Politically Correct Portraits: or "wrong side first" photos.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Bank Customers - Take A Running Jump: "If they told you to jump off a bridge" they being Bank of America and you being British or George Reeves Superman* 1 1/2 stars

*Pauly Shore Screws Up Another Vacation: MTV's The Weasel turns a pleasure cruise into a slave-ship passage for Laura Winslow & the mom from Family Matters.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Radio Shack Prayer Is Evil: For a decade or more it's been against their religion to have any customers and they also have a do not resuscitate order upon going out of business.* 2 1/2 stars

*Yard Sale Competitor: it's a cut throat business using a $5 "as is" weed-whacker.* 3 stars

---------------

--- USA Cartoon Express, Revisited:

*The Real Ghostbusters - Citizen Ghost: I forgot that the voice of Peter Venkman, on Ghostbusters, is likely the voice of Garfield on his cartoon. Which is funny because the live action characters are voiced by the same guy, too, as we all know.

*Commercial for Crocodile Mile slip n' slide.

*Old foggies stink in an Andy Warhold art style BubbleTape commercial. Those were great.

*In a cyberpunk future tween boys battle it out with a b.b. ammo board game shooter called "Crossfire." I remember plenty of show & tell days where Crossfire was the shit.

*I like the little march the Ghostbusters do during their ticker tape parade

*Kids can't cut loose in the supermarket or the museum, but they can in this Discovery Zone kids play park commercial. Soulless corporate slime-pit, McDonald's has replaced most of these. Now, miserable single moms take their poor brats there and change their dirty diapers on the same tables kids eat their McNuggets on. Fuck society and industry.

*Get a Bart Simpson squeek toy at Burger King

*Rappin' Lego-Maniac ad

*Mouse Trap, from Milton Bradley, where a cartoon alley cat shows up to present kids with one of the most contraption filled board games ever

*An awesome ad where Jesse the body Ventura sells WWF action figures. I wish grown men were still allowed to play with action figures

*Cadillacs & Dinosaurs - Rogue: I forgot about this well animated show with some adult sensibilities that also combines two really cool things. those being the title of the show.

*Cartoon Express where Mr. T. hangs out with the Grape Ape and Pac Man

*"Your gym teacher irons his underwear" adults are weird, chew BubbleTape

*Garfield fruit snacks. You could sell anything with a cartoon spokesman and kids who pitch a fit to their parents in the grocery store if they can't have it, once they see it.

*Shout & Shoot 2 water gun helmet. Voice activated water fights. I'm sure it didn't tear up after the first day. Water and electronics go together so well... I remember when having water fights, in the backyard, seemed so important that toy companies had to keep up with the arms race we kids were racing towards.

*Barney has built a fake time machine from the year 2000 and almost tricks Fred out of his Coco Pebbles. I preferred Fruity.

*One thing missing from watching these cartoons is a bowl of Fruity Pebbles, Lucky Charms, or Cap'n Crunch beside me on the living room floor.

*Marvel's X-Men, for the Sega Genesis, "Welcome to the Next Level."

*If kids ruled the world they'd play b'ball like Michael Jordan, their big brothers would suck up to them, they'd get a billion dollars & have a sports agent, and they'd always eat at McDonalds. "Duh!"

*"In A Minute" USA Network 1989 presents kids trying out tongue twisters like "Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear..." I'm unlocking weird memories of things that I had forgotten like this cute little animated station break from USA that's somewhere in the long lost toy chest recess of my sad adult brain.

*Teenage Mutant Turtles - Enter the Rat King: If April O'Neil were real she would try to further her news career by exposing the Turtles to the world.

*Take a chill pill or stick anchioves in your ears, kids, instead of doing drugs. Partnership for a Drug Free America and stick figure drawn kids.

*2XL battery operated, cassette controlled "intelligent" 80s style robot from Tiger toy electronics. He makes Teddy Rupskin look like Neil Degrasse Tyson (whatever his name is)

*A kid with a bald spot and a beard is tired of stuffy adult dining places and demands to be taken to Chuck E. Cheese

*Dance Party USA, the weekday dance party on "America's favorite network, USA."

*The Dark Knight collection. A kid has every Batman gadget a kid could ask for and his own personal Batcave. I would have killed to have my own personal Batcave when I was 8

*"Tetris & batteries included" Gameboy. Cool teens hanging out in shop class, on the basketball court, everwhere playing their handheld Nintendo "Power to go."

*Captain N, The Game Master - Metroid Sweet Metroid: N, The Game Master is a character from Nintendo's past that they'd like to forget and not celebrate. Same with Lou Albano's version of Mario and the more goofy, talking version of Link from cartoons & CDi games.

*King Hippo's nipples, Eggplant's head, and Mother Brain's lips are all very obscene looking.

*Beetlejuice action figures. Those were some of the better, more weird toys.

*Call a 1 800 number to get a 60 minute vhs tape of Bigfoot monster truck action.

*Crest "Sparklemania" obviously is putting drugs in the toothpaste, because kids are freaking out and taking magical trips through the night sky with animated globs of Crest gel.

*'Milk does a body good' ad. You know the one where the kid grows up to be buff because he or she drank milk. I wonder if they show similar ones to young cows. "Yo, I'm a calf and I'm taking govt. provided hormones so that I can grow up to be a great-big dairy cow!" That was sort of a lame joke. Almost Carlos Mencia bad.

*The Cartoon Express travels away off into the distance to Bruce Springsteen's house. No, kidding. They kept mentioning that that's where it was heading.

3 stars for the Saturday Morning cartoons, 3 stars for the retro ads, and 3 stars for USA network's Cartoon Express bumpers

-----------------------------

The Greatest American Hero: Fire Man *Everyone's favorite marinara, on the show, Michael Pare, gets put put on a hot stove for a bum wrap. The main thing that doesn't hold up, about this episode, is the very dated fire special fx.* close to 3 stars

Gerhard Reinke's America: Arizona *Painted desert highways with a pistol & a singing Billy bass GPS by Gerhard's side.* 2 stars

--- Commander USA's Groovie Movies: Man with the Synthetic Brain

*From beneath a shopping mall in New Jersey, Commander USA. HA! Great location for a hero lair in the 1980s.

*The commander comes out in a trench coat, with his costume underneath. I like it. It's a sleazy way for a hero to dress. He's always smoking a cigar, too. Nice man's man touch.

*He's talking about those hopeful, yet melancholy days after the New Year is rung in. He explains how Auld Lang Syne means 'old long since' in Irish or old English.

*After the commander uses his kazoo to open up the psychotronic movie screen, we get to our flick

*This one stars an old school horror icon, John Carradine, & a Mickey Mouse Club teen from Swiss Family Robinson

*And the groovie movie is photographed in "Chill-O-Rama"

*I know the movie will ultimately be supbar, but I still get good feelings & goose pimple giddy, with nostalgia, watching these old basic cable & UHF B movie features

*A zombie(?) chokes out a hooker(?) & her pusher(?) in an alley. Her death face was so overacted & funny to look at.

*Mickey Mouse Club guy is the detective on the case of the zombie murders. He has gotten worse, actually, as an actor since his days riding ostriches & fighting pirates on tropical islands in Swiss Family Robinson.

*He's also a part of the Danny Bonaduche class of child actors who didn't age well. He looks like he's been through hell. This is the early to mid 70s & his Disney days were just in the 60s, maybe late 50s, I'm thinking. Wow.

*There's a cryptic letter & a head in a box (a killed detective's). I'm guessing this killer is a pre-cursor to the Zodiac & Kevin Spacey in SEVEN.

*"Get your hot roasted peanuts" as a candy striped apron wearing salesman proclaims on an early 20th century hazy memory of beach life on an eastern seaboard boardwalk in a Planters honey roasted peanuts ad.

*The coo coo bird builds a time machine to steal the kids CoCo Puffs. This is the second time machine related cereal theft by cartoon spokesman commercial that I've seen in 24 hrs

*Lee Press On Nails. In 18 colors. Don't nails just make life more difficult? Even if I were a crossdresser, I wouldn't wear nails.

*An 80s mallrat girl thinks her mom was wrong about her big earrings, but mom was right about something (nervous energy) StayFree Maxi Pads for those heavy flow days. Thanks, mom. Now, stop coming in to my room to stare at my Kip Winger poster. He's my man, bitch!

*"Exorcism at Midnight" on USA Saturday Nightmares (looks awesome) & ugly as a man Sandra Bernhardt on Alfred Hitchcock Presents (would still watch it).

*There's nothing to look forward to watching on Saturday night, anymore. Svengoolie, maybe, but he plays the same tame Universal horror & Hammer horror movies that we've all seen way too many times. His act is stale too, but he's likeable, I guess, if you're a babyboom viewer.

*Sophia Loren, her story, on the Nabisco family theater Sunday afternoon on USA. No thanks. I'd leave that to the early birds. I'd still be sleeping off my USA Saturday Nightmares.

*John Carradine is a doctor under suspicion because one patient that he was the coroner over, years earlier & called one of the first casualties of Vietnam, is up & walking around again, out there, killing. It's obvious that Carradine is a mad doctor, because he has a bubbling test tube, for odd unexplained reasons, but the detective hasn't seen enough low grade sci fi & horror to know this is an ominous sign.

*Why did action or fight scenes in the 60s/70s think that karate chops to the neck were believable knock out blows? It'd be more annoying than anything. Painful, sure, but not enough to put a man down. They just look so funny.

*Gloriously unselfaware Twix commercial with a street of kids breaking into a marching band parade over Twix. Much better than the Right Twix vs. Left Twix candy factory ads of today Too self aware like most modern ad companies. It makes the product even more unlikeable

*Square 80s ladies have a roundtable discussion about "So Fine" conditioning mist

*The effects designs, on the movie, are so low budget. The Frankenstein electric chair is made of chords attached to a silver construction worker's helmet.

*Commander USA pokes fun at the mad science hat contraption during his segment.

*Computer graphics medieval dystopia commercial ends with the freedom of the mind that is an exploding volcano & the Scientology best seller ‘Dianetics.’

*Shades wearing Bears QB, McMahon, thinks he's cool, but he's a crybaby when his hoagie doesn't have Miracle Whip mayo. A janitor hears his cries and throws a hail mary of mayo.

*Fergie, Letterman, Tom Cruise, Vanna White, Dr. Seuss, Whitney Houston, Michael Jackson wearing a Groucho Marx disguise. They're all the most interesting people of 1986 according to People Magazine. Such a more innocent time. Don't forget Crocodile Dundee, he was fascinating to 80s yuppies as well. Not a joke. He's also on the cover.

*The 80s had this hazy, maudlin, feel good vibe to even Dimetapp & Metamucil ads.

*Just a sleazy undead crook strangling slutty women in seedy hotels kinda Saturday afternoon movie for the kids, you know.

*Cheerios helps a white knight save a princess from a black knight in a musical ad. Uplifting. Cheerios ads are so depressing now & always about a middle age guy's health & cholesterol.

*Nothing says Mexican like white people singing about & eating Mexican Velveeta cheese.

*’Airwolf’ is high tech & kicks butt. this was already a popular rerun show here in the mid 80s.

*An overtanned blonde bimbo shows up from France saying she heard her father speak to her telepathically while she was in a voodoo sleep trance. Her father was John Carradine & he was just murdered by a zombie. She tells this to Mickey Mouse detective while he over-acts.

*Ah, there's another mad scientist who looks like a dimestore Vincent Price. I guess they couldn't get Vincent for the flick. He's the real villain.

*Commander USA noticed the bimbo & the zombie too.

*"It's hard to hide the kid inside." Talkin' 'bout Santa & his love for oreo cookies

*The honey nut Cheerios bee almost gets murdered by cowboy Black Bart. Just wait, Bee, soon with pesticides we'll make ye extinct.

*A kid pulls home a box of Tide detergent, for mom, through a picturesque 80s suburb. More of that 80s is just like the 50s, according to tv & advertising, theme of the 80s.

*70s thought that frantically playing a pipe organ & bongos meant great suspense music. It didn't & doesn't.

*Wacky 80s robots run on ENERGIZER "It Doo Run Run Run"

*This film can't make up its mind if it wants to be a detective tale, a zombie creeper, a serial killer slasher, a mad science flick, a voodoo or telepathy thriller, a heist / crime picture, or a hostages on the road movie.*

*Commander predicts, via crystal ball, that the Red Sox will almost win the 87 world series and that Vanna White will be nominated to the Supreme Court.

*Commander had his hand pal, Lefty, rammed down his tights during the most tense scene of the movie. A snowy chase through the mountains with killer in hot pursuit.

*Carefree panty liners for a fresher zebra striped bikini

*An aged Lorne Greene talks about Ron Reagan's cutbacks to medicare & how they're costing the sick & poor elderly thousands of dollars.

*Timelapse female zombie transformation with horrid makeup, but forgivable during the finale in the mad science lab.

*Her zombie voice is laughable & terrible. Why is she even talking? zombies don't talk, well, trioxin or Return of the Living Dead ones do, but whatever, Braiiiins... She doesn't say that, but I guess she had to act. Vanity, maybe. Idiotic script, more likely.

*We end with zombie lady crying & taking an antidote while zombie henchman dies licking goo off the floor. Mickey Mouse detective was too late to make any kind of difference.

*Commander USA closes things out by teasing Mickey Mouse cop about his poor acting.

close to 2 stars for the movie, close to 2 1/2 stars for the ads, & more than 2 1/2 stars for the commander

-------------------

Look Around You: Sport *Thank you for showing us your balls. Now try to get it in the hole.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Viper: Wheels of Fire *Crooked, corporate Bryan Cranston character. A revolutionary Tesla type battery with a deadly bidding war going on for it. A reclusive Howard Hughes industrialist/inventor. Long lost prototype Batmobile style car colored fire engine red. A creepy Albino hitman.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

Manimal: Breath of the Dragon *Martial arts began by studying animals. Ancient man popped a National Geographic tape into his VCR to do so.* more than 2 1/2 stars

Robocop the series: Ghosts of War *A ragtag group of Universal Soldiers seek vengeance against an evil general who now works for O.C.P. They include a hobo wolfman, a black G.I. Joe (friend from Murphy's childhood), an Asian Joan of Arc, a Indian computer-wiz who dresses like Rick Moranis in Spaceballs. The show tries to force Punky Brewster into scenes, again. She's annoying & unnecessary.* 2 stars

--- Everything Is Terrible:

*Enhance Your Memory With Murderous Bloodlust: American Psycho Patrick Bateman has a poor poker face.* 3 stars

*Going For It!: Commies skateboard. So, like you want them to be more free than you, brah!? Didn't think so, dude.* close to 2 stars

*So You Moved To Paducah...: Only thing to do here is to visit the Quilters Society of America museum again & again & again.* 3 stars

*Rush Limbaugh Sure Is Funny: Comedy night at Jabba the Hutt's palace.* 1 star

*The Lil' Singing Demon Baby!: The spawn of Lucifer is a little boy version of Shirley Temple. Of course he would arrive on earth in Branson, Missouri.*              3 stars

-------------------------

Cannon group presents America 3000 (1986) *The one thing Road Warrior needed was Wonder Years style narration. I think the members of No Ma'am (Al Bundy's woman hating group) saw this movie instead of Mad Max: Fury Road. That's why they were so upset. Much more reverse sexism here.* 3 thousand stars

Rescue 911 w/ William Shatner: Softball Hit *A little girl gets a head injury, has a seizure, then precious seconds tick away in the era before cell phones because I guess there were no payphones on this little league sports field. Youth sports injuries weren't taken as serious in this era either. It was the whole "Walk it off" time period. So maybe that's why 911 wasn't called sooner.* 2 stars

--- Memory Hole:

*Death Of Strength: Guillotine of greatness, in a garage, captured on camcorder.* 1 star

*See The Macaroni: String theory or unsatisfactory service.* 2 stars

*The Ballad Of Tony Jones: "Mommy, what does doomed mean?" It means what happens when you destroy your white trash girlfriend's ceiling after sitting your fat ass in her sex swing.* 3 stars

*Piglet: You reap what you sow (noun).* close to 3 stars

*Just Do It Adult Diaper: Is that a swoosh on your bottom or do you need changing?* close to 2 stars

----------------------

--- MTV's Oddville (1997?)

*MTV had to Gen-x up Beyond Vaudeville, from its public access days, & put a pretty co-host with Frank to take the attention away from his weird, silent (often violent) sidekick.

*Nancy Giles is a nice lady, but not the most interesting guest. She's like PBS news hosts. Respectable, but not entertaining. She thinks talking about how weird the sidekick is & being a fan of Howard Stern will get her over. She does an imitation of a cat choking on a hairball. That's odd enough, I guess.

*Mr. Stanless Steel is a meathead who lifts 600lbs slightly off the ground using only one finger. Impressive, yet also idiotic.

*"Mind over matter," he says as he squeezes an unopen can to smithereens. Mind, remember, not steroids. He rocks about the floor trying to look intimidating & deep.

*Very confusing Levis jeans commercial. It starts off with a cowboy hat wearing Gen X hip dude driving the desert listening to yodeling from Mars Attacks & Slim Whitman. He stops at a local western watering hole where a hipster black dude is a turntables mixing dj. He passes him a stuffed dinosaur before the black dude gets on a greyhound leaving town. Bus stops in the big city, but a new girl gets off holding the dino. A European model looks at her as she walks on. The model is ordering a hotdog from a vendor. What any of that had to do with jeans, other than the close ups of asses, is beyond me.

*Self aware commercial whore Dennis Miller is on a fake talk show ad interviewing the cgi M&Ms. Miller lost all his Hollywood street cred when he started hangin’ out on Fox News. He doesn’t give a shit about being a shitlib so he lost his Hollywood friends.

*Epic cgi ad for the Playstation classic Final Fantasy 7.

*Phil Hartman isn't murdered yet in this college class lecture ad about collect calls.

*The clerk at Footlocker is having a hard time believing that Joe Namath is making an NFL comeback in a nike ad

*It's Virtual Insanity, the music video, when Chris Rock hosts the Video Music Awards

*I think it was the one where Puff Daddy teamed with Sting to make an annoying, overplayed song even worse.

*"The world's fastest painter" comes out & does a Bob Ross quickie while rambling in a Polish accent.

*A black guy in black & yellow stripes, including his Dr. Seuss Hat, comes out to pop & lock dance to Salt & Pepa's "Push It"

*Igia hair removal system ad where the device damages your skin cells, but it's cool 'cause no more chin whiskers for mom

*Technology... multimedia... CD-Rom software games... "You need Art Institute."

*Not Carl Winslow, but close, says "Open a box. Any box." Make it a Blockbuster Night

*"Talk to the hand." quote & hand motion from slumming it actor Timothy Dalton in a movie with Fran Drescher. The days where the general public had to endure her are long gone. Not counting easily avoided reruns of The Nanny

*On an snowy special ops mission (I'm sure those happen often) "Be all that you can be" (including maimed or killed) in the Army (after that, who knows? possibly a homeless vet)

*"What is Mtn. Dew?" from this ad, I take it has something to do with a green drink that makes you scream hysterically while performing idiotic x-treme sports

*A small woman, with a shaved head, comes out doing yoga to industrial techno. Followed by very late & nervous applause.

*A little girl comes out blowing up a balloon using only her nose.

*A generic alternative rock band, like the countless others on MTV at the time, comes out to perform. They don't hold a candle to any of the weird musical acts from the Beyond Vaudeville days.

*Guests are having a dance party. This show is as edgy, or as interesting for that matter, as Snick's "All That" of the same time period. Lame, as Gen-X would say.

*Well, MTV took a quirky public access show & stripped all the life out of it to make it another corporate product.

1 star for the Odd, 1 1/2 stars for most of the ads (thanks to M&M's & Miller), between 1 1/2 & 2 stars for the guests

----------------------

"The Summer of Rave 1989" BBC *In Margaret Thatcher's England, a new era of hippies & yuppies collide.*

3 stars

"Lost Purity" (video mixtape) *Adjust the tracking on your squeam.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

--- Found Footage Fest:

*Life Is For Living: Safety first or kiss leisure goodbye.* 3 stars

*Michael Finney's Spencer Gifts Speech: Hack comedy & gag novelty.* close to 3 stars

*Silent Partners - Shoplifting: If you see somebody walk into your store, become overly suspicious.* 2 1/2 stars

*VCR Games: Make haste & pray constantly that you don't have a Klingon overlord or be forced to endure Rich Little's awful family fun night comedy.* 3 stars

*Uh-Huh!: Either the Kenny Loggins or the Ray Stevens of polite Christian pop comedy & a fan of wearing tan leotards while juggling foam balls.* 3 stars

------------------------

Rescue 911 w/ Shatner: Accidental Hanging *Darwin Awards & wasting time dialing for help. Or hero boy with a hatchet.*

2 stars

A Haunting: Echoes of the Past *A New England family move into a historic Civil War era home. Soon they are bothered by faeries claiming to live in under a tree in the backyard who also claim to have died in a fire. The family are aided by a team of pretentious Wiccans in sending all the home's spirits to a magical place in the west called the "Summer Lands."* between 2 & 2 1/2 stars

Gerhard Reinke's America: Quebec, Canada *"Beaver fever, catch it." "Be patient." "My God, it's magnificent." (A platypus.)* 3 stars

Kingdom Hospital: Ep. 11 *Doctors without borders & tuned into a different frequency.* 2 1/2 stars

Farscape: Hidden Memory *Espionage & clouded minds in a Nazi style experimentation lab. Followed by a Caesarean--section for a baby battleship. Farewell to a sweet-lipped deus ex machina (sorta deus...)* close to 3 stars

Forever Knight: False Witness *Sleazier than a white lie.* 2 1/2 stars

Penn & Teller - Bullshit!: Ghostbusters *Begin by having come to a conclusion that ghosts exists no matter what you find to prove different, soak the scene with sepia or nightvision, get out the pseudo scientific gear & have it activated with its nonsensical readings of supposed supernatural phenomena, & the bullshit has long since already began.* 3 stars

Jake Byrd on Black Friday *Great deals is gravy.* close to 3 stars

Classic Comedy Central: The Buttafuoco Song *I really really wish I never heard of...* either 1 star for Joey or 3 for Comedy Central

WCW Superstars on Politically Incorrect w/ Bill Maher (1999?) *A lot of aggression taken out in a discussion forum.* either 1 star or close to 2 stars

VH1 Classic Pop Up Video: Alanis Morissette - "You Learn" *The video took 23 hours to film in 10 degree weather. The video is 4 minutes long. Her hair (dreadlocks) took 5 hours to style. A number of jacket changes were used by Alanis in the video. The theme: who knows if any of us get any wiser during the average lifetime.* 2 1/2 stars w/ pop ups 2 stars w/out (I forgot how much I like her voice, pretty face & lyrics & easy to digest, for the most part, music. Mood & opinion on her music are subject to change. I have, in the past, wanted to poke my eyeballs & eardrums out when her "Ironic" video came on MTV for the 1000th time.)

Public Access TV: "Robin's Safe Sex Lesson - Dental Dam Use" *The setting is the height of the AIDS epidemic. Sexually active folk are still confused to the spread of disease & the practice of safe sex. A sex worker, possibly, has her ownlocal city tv show to inform them how to snip an ordinary condom into use for performing oral sex on a female so as to not spread infectious diseases. She almost is a trainwreck but not enough for any legit comedy, only curiosity.* 2 stars (3 for the info for the time)

"Sam Kinison - Family Entertainment Hour" *This might be comedy blasphemy, but Larry the Cable Guy is as popular as Sam Kinison was. Both have a similar rowdiness & offensiveness in the connect with their audience. Larry, however, has neither a spine nor a soul.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

Literal Videos: Air Supply - Making Love Out of Nothing at All *"I don't want to seem them naked." I don't want to hear their soft rock.* 2 1/2 stars literal or 1 star actual

---- SCTV - Midnight Special:

*An all white (never seen before) scat singing choir conducted by Eugene Levy To see them live in concert, "Phone your nearest Republican." HA!

*Rick Moranis impersonates a cranky David Brinkley editorial.

*David Thomas & Catherine O'Hara are phone commercial lawyers (& possibly married lawyers) not helping an arguing married couple out very much in their disputes.

*Rick Moranis impersonates a radio dj becoming a video vj in this transitional time period between radio music & video music outlets.

*Followed by a Talking Heads video "Once in a Lifetime"

*A very politically incorrect (when you still could be before the p.c. police) & somewhat funny live feed from a Japanese parody vj

*Followed by a cool music video by hip & quirky Japanese band The Plastics. So, that does in a way cancel out the casual racism.

*SCTV starts the tech war between Japan & the U.S. in a funny skit.

*The real enemy, however, is Russian t.v. and Good Day Moscow

*Exploitation a plenty in a fake ad for a late night pajama party t.v. show on SCTV

*John Candy is the Hugh Hefner smoking jacket wearing host of the all girl pajama party Complete with creepy guy climbing in the window using a ladder. ha

*Candy tries to explain the show is empowering to women, but a prudish sexologist hijacks the feed to talk about how it's sexist.

*John Candy is back again, this time as a sportsman in an ammo ad. He sports a beard & hunts ducks. Hmmm... He remains likeable while other bearded duckhunters that I won't mention still remain hateable. Much focus is put on the cleavage of his buxom buddy that he's hunting with. She's female.

*A punk dyke delivery chick brings pizza & starts a catfight which the sexologist reveals is more of Candy's libido problems.

*Thankfully, the "menopausal" femi-nazi is interrupted by a male chauvinist fan of the pajama party.

*It's bedtime & Candy has to toss the old geezer, kicking & screaming, out the window.

*Al's Garage "Anytime At All." He has a naughty pinup calendar & he smokes cigars.

*Feminists have protest signs outside SCTV's studio & chase Candy to his limo

*Poindexter, investigative reporter (played by Eugene Levy) gets up close & a little too personal exploring singles bars.

*Monster Chiller Horror Theater with a howling Count Floyd

*The featured flick is Bloodsucking Monkeys from West Mifland, Pennsylvania

*Wink, wink. There's no movie. But Count promises that it was scary & describes it. It's just as good as Alien, he claims.

*Great White North wants to talk about Nasa's tools & beer, ay.

*SCTV has Hitchcock presents in late night. So, they're like MeTV or AntennaTV on current cable.

*A parody of Kirk Douglas in "Lust for Life" in the SCTV vault classic "Lust for Paint"

*Catherine O'Hara shows off some sexy cleavage & gets offered to be painted nude as she plays a bar beauty of the 19th century. The mom from Home Alone was sexy back in the day.

*Fish Police. An early reality show that's just as absurd as the 90s hit COPS.

*France was filled with great artists in the 19th century & possibly they were all gay according to SCTV

*Harold Raimis cameo as a waiter.

*Rick Moranis sells ridiculous logos.

*John Candy is an angry Babe Ruth in the wrong time period. Candy lost out on the role to Goodman years later. Not really, but really.

*Candy does a decent Hitchcock impersonation as well. Also Curly Howard.

3 stars

------------------------

"Let's Paint TV's Last Cable Access Show" 2008 *A weirdo in a dirty & disheveled business suit runs a treadmill while horribly painting, taking live prank calls, & talking to a Swedish barmaid mixing things up in a blender.* between 1 1/2 & 2 stars

--- TV Carnage:

*I Hate My Kids: Brats are birth control. The only time Fox News will ever be pro choice.*  2 stars

*Lurking Danger: The fish land right in the boat & land you right in the hospital. Tonight, in our Lurking Danger special report. This is CNN.* 2 stars

*Making The Grade: Solve my equation, again, & I'll slit your throat.* 2 1/2 stars

*Phonebooth Funnys!: Coed improv in tight spaces. It's not what you think, you pervert.*  either 1 star or close to 2 1/2 stars

*Reaching For The Light: Orgy of the first class.* 2 stars

-------------

Mystery Science Theater 3000 - K19: Hangar 18 *Having NASA accidentally cause a UFO to crash, in the desert, is "the best thing since sliced computer" only it hurts the UFO denying crooked President's chances for re-election & they'll need a shady coverup.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars w/ riffing & 2 w/out

"Ten Forward Crank Calls" *"Brain cells are sucked into a blackhole" & four letter words fly into the phone lines for a chubby Star Trek fan's Trekkie talk show.* 1 star

Beavis & Butthead: Sausage - Riddles Are Abound Tonight *"The Seminiferous Tube-loidial Buttnoids have left my pants" or "turds can see in the dark, like bats."* 2 1/2 stars w/ riff 2 w/out

--- Monstervision w/ Joe Bob Briggs: Wes Craven's Deadly Friend (1986):

*Joe Bob says this flick is the Breakfast Club version of Bride of Frankenstein

*Drive-In Totals... 6 dead bodies... 7 gallons blood (some spurting w/ 3 bloody noses)... exploding head.. head disguised as basketball... exploding robot... father charbroiling..gratuitous brain surgery... incest fu...

*Joe Bob wants to get biblical w/ Krisy Swanson but thinks better of it because of Alan Thicke

*You know that you're in for a horror funride when the first on screen creature (robot) attack is against a sleazy redneck

*80s robots were great. This one even sees in Sega CD vision. All pixelated.

*In my opinion, this flick is also like Zapped meets Frankenhooker

*It's a wacky neighborhood when the old bat from Throw Mama from the Train is a shotgun wielding crazy lady living behind a locked fence.

*A robot's first reaction to seeing douchebags on dirtbikes is to vice grip their testicles. Can we unleash robots on Rob Dyrdek's Fantasy Factory?

*The schmaltzy TNT voiceover for drama guy lays the sap on thick for TNT's big network premier for Gilbert Grape.

*Rockapella sing us a Folgers "Best part of wakin' up" mornin' tune. I can't drink the coffee for the vomit in my mouth.

*Snuggles, the fabric softener bear, is taking a stroll through a forest filled with cute animals. Real animals. Snuggles is a nightmare creature created out of industrial chemicals & soulless corporate greed. He's unnatural. An abomination of cuddliness.

*Joe Bob hates cute robots, Star Trek conventions, & Little House on the Prairie.

*The "Stand your ground" law triumphs again & the robot menace is toasted, for now.

*Quirky "life is ugly, you betcha" comedy approaching horror Fargo on TNT is sponsored by SEARS & no irony is seen in that. I don't think, by TNT or SEARS.

*Sprint commercial featuring Fall scenery. This episode of Monstervision is late 90s. The late 90s had a real Autumn vibe to a lot of things. Dawson's Creek, Scream & I Know What You Did Last Summer, Marcy Playground's Sex & Candy, Duncan Sheik, Eagle Eye Cherry, GooGoo Dolls, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Charmed, "Sunny Came Home," "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone," Jewel, Barenaked Ladies, Halloween H20... All of 'em & many more

*Firefighters prefer Yukon sport utility vehicles & the Energizer Bunny outruns a Hummer filled with a reject A-Team. Absurdity & the beginning of America's obsession with big ass family tanks that would dominate the roads post-2000

*Hope Floats on VHS. Turds float too. & the turd that is Hope Floats on VHS is out there floating around at plenty of 50 something year old women yardsales across the the cowboy states of America

*"Mom's like you choose Jiff" & dad's like Bob Villa choose tools from SEARS. Don't not be how corporate America assumes you to be. Buy these creamy peanut dips & wrenches

*Burt Reynolds must have been buddies w/ Ted Turner. Ted sure had his movies played alot on TBS & TNT. Burt was popular. No doubt. Burt even had alot of generic made for TNT movies in the late 90s. I can understand the demand for Smoky & the Bandit & others, but not the made for TNT shit.

*Jack Palance in a western version of A Christmas Carol. Another made for TNT movie. & Lifetime + Hallmark have made me hate made for tv Christmas movies, but how could you not like the idea of a forgotten Jack Palance Christmas flick?

*The parents from Happy Days are slumming in a collect calls commercial.

*Paul Hogan was still an action comedy hero in the late 90s. Only he was doing it in Subaru ads. This one he's in disguise / drag wearing the mask of a woman. Unintentionally creepy.

*Essence of Emeril... Emeril Live... I'll never get the fascination w/ over the top food chefs & their tv shows.

*Grace Jones in an ad for TBS Superstation's 15 nights of Bond movies. I guess she was easy to get being a D-list celebrity & all after the 80s.

*Paul Reiser is in a bookstore explaining internet for new users / dummies using AT&T Worldnet. At least it's not an ad for America Online.

*Joe Bob says TNT censors won't allow exploding heads by basketball decapitation because idiots in Florida will try it & congress will go crazy.

*Hendrix has only one burning desire. Let him stand next to your Pontiac Sunfire. He doesn't really want to do that. He's dead, like Kristy Swanson, in this Monstervision movie. But in this soulless & artsy Pontiac commercial where yuppies are escaping a cityscape dystopia in their Sunfire, listening to Hendrix, he does.

*NFL moms of big, mean linebackers sure are funny. Thanks, Campbell's chunk soups ads for making me endure the meaty veggie soupy sacky mommy comedy.

*There's a "Bob Fest" in Colorado every year, where all Bobs in the world can attend. Bob Dole will be there. Bring your Pentax film camera.

*"Relax, Go Nuts" with Planters & a wacky beaver on a camping trip. I hope some idiot saw this & lost a finger or two trying to feed a Planters peanut to a beaver or a badger.

*"Rowdy" Roddy Piper is on the set of Burt's old guy cop action made for TNT tv movie. He's talking about the need for aspirin on the set, for the old guys, in this sneak peek.

*Joe Bob wants to know why Kristy Swanson is looking more supermodel than zombie

*The shoot first ask questions later cops put an end to cyborg/undead Kristy Swanson's reign of terror.

2 1/2 stars for the confused flick close to 3 for Joe Bob & between 1 1/2 & 2 for TNT & their ads

--------------------------

Classic Comedy Central: Penn Jillette promotes Earth Girls Are Easy *He makes it seem like it wouldn't be a waste of an afternoon.* close to 3 stars

Fred Olen Ray's "Cyclone" 1987 *Everyone's favorite genre movie mad scientist, Jeffrey Combs (Re-Animator), was working on a super-motorcycle more high tech than an F-16 jet. When he's assassinated, on a punk rock dance floor, via a tech conspiracy, his 80s blonde bombshell girlfriend has to take over safeguarding the project from falling into the wrong hands. The whole thing drips with so much 80s goodness, one would swear it was a modern day homage.* close to 3 stars

Flaccid Ego Psychic Reading Call In Show *"This is not a bodega, honey." There's a correlation between how far someone's head is tilted back as they're talking & the amount of shit that they give. The further back, the less shit given.* either zero or 2 1/2 stars (for a second)

"Amok Assault Video" *"An open keyhole policy" to mass hypnosis & mass halitosis.* close to 3 stars

Rescue 911 w/ Shatner: Brave Dog vs. Rattlesnake *The dog, Lady, was a terrible actress during the re-enactments. She did well during the fight with the snake, but she broke character & smiled too much during the vet E.R. part .She needs to take acting lessons from Shatner.*

2 stars

Penn & Teller Bullshit!: Self Helpless *There's a sucker "re-born" every minute.* 3 stars

Jake Byrd Goes Tea Bagging *"We're a little Tea Party, short & stout, when we get all steamed up hear us shout 'No more taxes, get the immigrant out!'"* 2 1/2 stars

--- Phone Losers:

*Tenants From Hell - Striking Oil: Crude & deluded.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Carlito the Perverted Janitor - Bank Customers: Good loan agents love to kiss & tell.* 2 1/2 stars

*Home Security - Hidden Cameras: I don't want home security watching over me while I pee.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Homeowners Association - Naked People: Old, black couples don't have sex. Yeah, right.* 2 1/2 stars

---------------------

Goth Public Access Channel (youtube) *"It's no fun being dead. Enough has been said." So why the morbid fixation?*

1 star

--- USA Up All Night w/ Rhonda Shear: Jason Takes Manhattan & Fortress of Amerikkka

*Rhonda is in an S&M shop with a gimp.

*Louis Gossett Jr. is an Olympic coach in a USA original movie. He's not the first actor that I would think of for a role like that. But maybe he's the most badass.

*Painful rectal burning? Admit you have it & get Preparation H. Doctors' orders.

*Trading erotic voicemails with "Girls of Paradise" seems like a one way street. A horny moron calls in a 1 800 number to nervously drool over his love for T & A, the voice model makes only one recording for any & every guy who calls in.

*Go back in time to when you weren't old & too feeble to open the mayo jar. If you believe that & buy our pain relieving cream, we also have ocean front property in [insert cliche dry state here]

*Couch fishin for loose change to buy extra Pop Tarts. Not me, the guy in the Kellogg's ad

*Pacific Blue, USA networks lame bicycle beach cops show from the late 90s. They recognize how boring being a beach cop must be, so they spice it up with a special west coast loco gangbangers episode.

*Big Easy. A sleazy, but probably all too tame show about New Orleans on USA network. Can't think of original programming? Exploit a city's reputation.

*Rhonda has an oversized spiked dog collar put on a poindexter

*Win a Nintendo 64 block party (sounds like it could have been fun) via Kellogg's & Kmart

*A kid in a "No Fear" t-shirt visits his square dad's Rent-A-Center style store in an ad

*Don't talk to your kids about the dangers of sniffing to get high, & wind up feeding soup to your newly vegetable loved one. I always preferred that trippy drowning anti-sniffing ad from the same time period.

*"Had a hard day?" "Talk to some of the most exotic women in the world." the world = Tampa, Florida. Some of the most exotic = ordinary skanks.

*What does chomping into a Nestle's Crunch sound like? This ad swears it sounds like a pink Cadillac convertible, filled with lightbulbs, falling off of a tall building. I think Elvis just cried. Not sure which he cried for: the pink Cadillac or the candy bar.

*Private eye James Belushi is following around split personality Linda Blair who hired him to follow herself around. Looks sleazy & potentially good.

*Rhonda dons kinky boots, leather, & a gay man's biker's hat in a black & white moving photo hanging on the wall. Sounded like maybe Velvet Underground was playing in the background as well.

*It's okay to be like your mom. You're closer to 40 than 20 & it has a sickly brown colored candy coating. Oh, what am I talking about, you ask, it's Advil.

*If you ever see a whitebread goodlooking man or woman sitting on a New England beach or pier during a windy day, do not approach. They may look harmless, but they're usually filming an embarrassing human condition commercial.

*Diamond studded sex handcuffs. Nice. But why is Rhonda being so camera shy? Was she burntout with the show by this point, five or six years into its run.

*Bill Cosby's former tv wife, the one that he doesn't cheat on by serving PM cold medicine to ugly white women, is in an argument with her much better looking & non-raping actual husband about Pop-Secret popcorn.

*Cable in the classroom provides a parent's guide to the information superhighway that is cable tv

*"Someone out there knows what I'm going through." somewhere out there in psychic phone network mystery world that is

*Bonkers for Babies! & Animal Bloopers on Zoo Life Video. Jack Hanna (the animal guy from Carson, Leno, Letterman) believes that "Animals Do Feel Love." They also have a funny bone, and it's used for more than just Chinese medicine.

*Zipper crotches on leather lingerie wearing limbless & headless mannequins & more Rhonda voice-over work

*Archie Bunker's real life son died from drugs. Maybe he should have spent more time with him instead of arguing with Meathead.

*Rhonda finally makes an on camera appearance with poindexter in the adult video section of the sex shoppe

*"Virtual reality bites" have a Butterfinger Blast. Blood sugar induced hallucinations?

* 1 800 number for a TimeLife coffee table book on "how To fix" home remodeling & repairs. For only 3 easy payments of 9.99. Pretty steep if you think in 20tens terms & how easy it is to just go online & find the same info, but this is 1996 or 7, here, in the ad.

*Going back in time from 97 to 92, Rhonda is at the WBF World Fitness Expo doing a bit of cute jogging in place.

*Rhonda sings the theme song from Fortress of Amerikkka.

*Rhonda tells fat jokes about Roseanne. Roseanne probably hated Rhonda. Tom Arnold probably loved her.

*Rhonda flirts with a WBF bodybuilder / foreign accent guy whose thighs are bigger than Rhonda's waist

*Rhonda gets the bodybuilding champ to take off his shirt. He probably was having a panic attack just by wearing it anyway. Meatheads & shirts don't get along.

*Rhonda's hormones are out of whack here & the bodybuilders' steroid use as well.

*An Amazon chick shows up to tell how this fitness expo ain't no beauty pageant

*A mullet-haired meathead talks about bringing rock & roll fire into his bodybuilding expo routine. Thankfully, rock & roll died a long time before this. It's just corpse abuse.

*Rhonda tries to find out how much moolah an 80s-RickJames-pimp-looking black Hercules has won from the competition. He pulls out a check from his fanny pack. Fanny packs are very manly.

*World's Strongest Samoan pauses from picking up sedans to lift Rhonda up into the air by her butt

*Troma presents Fortress of Amerikkka!: In the cruel absurdity of Amerikkka, human life is worthless.

2 stars for the sex shoppe, 2 stars for the ads, 1 star for the body building expo, 2 1/2 stars for Rhonda, either 1 or close to 2 1/2 stars for Jason 8 (for the countless time on basic cable & mostly bloodless), & more than 2 1/2 stars for Amerikkka!

-----------------------

Troma presents "Lust For Freedom" *Troma tries their hand at the exploitation genre staple of women in a private prison hell. Highlights include a big mean looking Indian with a scarred face that drives around a black van across the desert & kidnaps women for the prison. He's like something out of a Jim Morrison song & he looks like the creepy brother of Bob from Twin Peaks. Another trashy fun part of the movie involves prison lady badasses in wrestling matches to the death. Plus there's an 80s hard rock soundtrack including the song "Rock You To Hell."* 3 stars

Beavis & Butthead: Sugartooth - Sold My Fortune *The boys mistake the word fortune for futon, and ponder why selling a futon would cause so many fights at the Sugartooth concert. Also, Beavis is intimidated by Urkel's size.* close to 3 stars with riffing 2 w/out

Kung Fu: Sun & Cloud Shadow *The path of peace is blocked by a mountain.* close to 3 stars

From Dusk Till Dawn: Place Of Dead Roads *The last stop before hell is a cafe, belonging to a cartel, serving plenty of coochie.* 2 1/2 stars

Public Access TV Gold - Don't You Want To Save Our Planet? *Fast Times Sean Penn look-a-like is for real about his love for his fellow parasite man. Vocal solo.* 3 stars

--- Dead Comics Society --- Commercial Breaks (1991):

*McHale's Navy every weeknight at 5 on the Comedy Channel. In color too. Antenna tv or MeTV shows this too, but in black & white.

*An ad for Billy Crystal's City Slickers. One of comedy's own was a blockbuster star still at this point.

*Coast bar soap ad where a "Thinking Man" bronze statue takes a refreshing bath in the rain.

*As seen on tv "No More Runs" panty hose w/ smart nylon. Run a nail file or a chainsaw right down the leg. Do not attempt while wearing, ladies

*Plenty of Stand Up comedy back in the day on comedy channels. Robin Williams, Jerry Seinfeld, Paul Poundstone, Howie Mandel, Carlin, pretty much all of the recognizable faces. And not just a weekend special like Comedy Central, these days. Stand up comedy was pretty much the face of the network.

*Jack Benny is creeped out by a kid wearing an ole timey clown mask. He's speechless, or once. Another show too old for current Comedy Central. One day Southpark will be on a TVLand type network & kids will get a weird feeling seeing how antique it looks. Much like seeing this clip of Jack Benny would make Comedy Central's current audience feel.

*KC Bold is like fireworks in one's mouth. It's important to always see the inventor of the baked beans or the bbq sauce or the George Foreman grill to know that the product / meal will be satisfactory. Did George actually invent that sidways waffle iron & grease trough?

*Devry with their 9 locations, in 1991, will teach you the tech knowledge that you need to succeed. Having a neatly trimmed little mustache is up to you.

*Ah, hah hah! The classic & unintentionally funny Suzanne Summers "Thigh Master" ad. She is so smiley while squeezing her crotch muscles. & just like the "Shake Weight," seeing a guy use it is just as amusingly awkward.

*Two Drink Minimum. A self aware title for another all stand up comedy show on the network. This one only has B to C list comics like 'The Amazing Jonathan"

*Alan King's "Inside the Comedy Mind" w/ such guests as the eccentric Steven Wright. We're too post-modern for something like this now. Inside the comedy mind? How lame, turn it on Louis CK's FX show or bring up a FunnyOrDie video. Alan King's "Inside the Comedy Mind" is no Zack Galifianakis' "Between Two Ferns." #hastag #hipster

*A middle America housewife is tired of having tried every diet from the "celebrity" to the "grapefruit." Her doctor finally puts her on some Medifast diet (we know it worked because obesity was cured & Medifast is currently the largest corporate brand of all time). She makes up for the weight loss by wearing oversized glasses & a lady business suit with shoulderpads larger than a NFL linebacker's.

*One of those classic scrolling certificate degrees from home ads. Learn everything from "gun repair" (only in America) or vcr repair (hopefully whoever took that is retired by now & not jobless).

*Short Attention Span Theater hosted by a very young Jon Stewart. This was before talking to cabinet secretaries & skewering political mishaps, for close to two decades, sucked all the life out of him.

*The very vintage Steve Allen Show weekdays on the Comedy Channel. Another show that deserves to still be on a classic channel somewhere. This clip had one of the first tv appearances of Elvis. How many viewers of current culture even care about or know whoElvis is, much less Steve Allen? Very few.

more than 2 1/2 stars

------------------------------

"V The Hot One" ---xxx--- (1977) *An example of how the fantasy in pornography is so different from reality: Valerie "V" asks her husband if he's ever been with a whore. (she's curious about whores) He says that he was with many when he was younger. (He then tells a digusting experience.) She's even more curious. (In reality the woman would be furious or detested with him.) Here, Valerie has spent a lifetime giving in to her whorish impulses.* 2 1/2(maybe classic)

"Tickle the Ivories w/ Janis Wolfe (Bad Public Access Show) *A very plain (& refreshingly un-self-aware) woman plays piano & reads psalms.* 1 star

"Topless Anti-Fashion" (DDTV San Francisco Public Access 1995) *A Lil' Kim look-a-like exposes painted nipples in what seems like a real life version of something Damon Wayans would parody on In Living Color.* 2 stars

Jake Byrd: Sara Palin Superfan (2008) *Bend over & grab your Arab ankles (Hussein Obama) or love Alaskan beaver (Palin Power).*  3 stars

Mr. Plinkett's Cop Dog Review *Put a dog on the cover of the dvd & dumb parents will rent it for their kids. Even though the dog commits suicide halfway in & becomes a ghost dog.* 0 for Cop Dog & 3 for Plinkett

"Best of The New Tom Green Show" (2003) *Short lived talk show that captured the same kind of crappy hip young adult audience NBC's Jimmy Fallon would a decade later. Also another attempt by MTV to tame & market a cult & avant garde artist (idiot?) to the American public (about as successful as his first MTV show in 1999 & his box office bomb of a movie "Freddy Got Fingered" 2001?).* 2 stars

Robin Williams - Improv with The Second City *Robin could improve any "hellhole."* close to 2 1/2 (would be more if it were recorded professionally instead of by an audience member, in the back row, with a cheap camcorder)

"Satarded Satanic Panic" (youtube) *Before she became a high priestess in the corporate church of the global economy, Oprah bought in to the goofy fearmongering going on in the Reagan years. Either a nutbag or a decoy evangelical pretending to be a reformed participant in a unbelievably ridiculous occult sacrifice story has Oprah taking his side over the more logical minded, yet still pretentious within his constitutional religious rights, devil-worshipper.* 1 star

Penn & Teller Bullshit!: Alien Abductions & End of the World *These crazies are actual doctors & best selling authors. Meanwhile, I'm not prepping for doomsday & I have no repressed memories of being probed. On top of that, I'm flat broke & live off of a diet of mostly beans while hardly leaving my house. I'm not paranoid, just lazy & unmotivated. I'd rather not survive an apocalypse or fly away w/ little green men.* 3 stars

Weird Al Yankovic: Headline News *Tru Al TV presents World's Dumbest Musical (Criminals).* close to 3 stars

Uncharted Zone: Ken Manning - Gulf Breeze UFO *Lookin' for a lost shaker of Martian salt.* between 2 & 2 1/2 stars

5 Dollar Wrestling: Next 5 Dollar Wrestling Superstar, Jimmy the Snake Roberts *DDT stands for "drop dead twice."* close to 3 stars

Vh1 Classic Pop Up Video: Latoya Jackson - Heart Don't Lie *The black sheep of the Jacksons in a video all about puppy love.* close to 2 stars w/ pop ups & 1/2 a star w/out

"Pauly's Totally Buff Special" *MTV's "The Weasel" Pauly Shore butchers the English/Spanish/human language drooling the international language of love (lust) over California bimbos.* either 1 star or close to 2 1/2 stars (for an idiot time capsule)

"Alien Lust" ---xxx--- 1985 *"A story of bizarro desires!" Nothing too out of this world, except for maybe the corny cartoon alien penis monster sex scene finale.* close to 2 stars or mostly 1/2 a star

X Files: The Erlenmeyer Flask *The hybrids fall from Olympus. The finale of the "Deep Throat" story arc.*

3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Collection Completed *Grumpy bulldog M. Emmett Walsh begins his retirement by outcrazying his animal hoarding, eccentric wife when he uses taxidermy on all her beloved pets.* 3 stars

Harvey Keitel in "Corrupt" *"The public seek the police in order to be punished for their illicit desires." Johnny Rotten & Harvey make a cerebral odd couple.* close to 3 stars

[youngerdaniel]

2017: A Year at the Movies

It’s that time again, folks. A year has gone by, and I spent a lot of it on my ass in dark rooms watching moving pictures. But this year is special! For the first time, my annual list of films worth seeing comes with FILM SCHOOL CRED. 

What does that mean? Well, I guess I could delve into a deeper analysis of the chosen flicks... But let’s be real, you’re not here for that. So let’s just give the cred its cred and get into it.

2017: The raging dumpster fire of a year seems to be built on a foundation of terrifying surprise and disappointment. Everybody’s saying it, because it’s very much the truth—the world has gone batshit.

But it’s also been a remarkably good year for movies. When I try to list my absolute favorites, it gets difficult to rank them. Some gems in the indie circuit; some solid blockbuster fare. So rather than rank ‘em, I say fuck the numbers. Here’s what you should watch. Top 10:

Call Me By Your Name

Jesus, Gawd. The last 20 minutes of this movie alone are worth the rest of it. A beautiful tale of friendship, love, identity... and how all of these things can be tremendously confusing. I wasn’t fully hooked until around halfway through, but good leftovers gravy am I glad I stuck it out.

The Big Sick

It warms my heart that this lovely gem of a film is based on a true story. This movie is... Well, it’s fucking great. Amazing comedy, perfectly timed and nuanced drama. For we of the cynical Gen Y/Millennial crowd, this is the rom-com we needed, because grand gestures don’t work, there is no rushing to the airport, and there’s some surprisingly deep work at play when it comes to a timeless conflict in matters of the heart: family values vs who you love. The cast is on fire. The script is gold. If you missed this movie, you’re using your smartphone wrong.

The Bad Batch

If you tell me Ana Lily Amirpour made a film, I already love it. I’d been wooed ever since A GIRL WALKS HOME ALONE AT NIGHT, and when the grapevine started juicing on Amirpour’s newest joint, a dystopian survival tale, I was sold. When I finally got to sit down and watch it, I was blown away by how much of a visual storyteller Amirpour is. The visual pallette alone is drool-inducing. But the amount of worldbuilding and character development done free of expository bouts of dialogue is just tremendous. Now, that being said, the story involves cannibals, a lot of dismemberment, and perhaps just a bit too much shirtless Jason Momoa... But if that’s your thing, this one’s for you.

Lady Bird

Look, everybody’s already ranted to you about how great this movie is. You should really see it. No? Okay. Fine. It’s a fantastic, fantastic coming of age tale. Herein you’ll find a dysfunctional family, some well-drawn mother-daughter tensions, and a beautiful exploration of the thing that happens to most well-adjusted adults—the moment where you realize you’re grateful to your parents for everything they’ve done, despite the fact you’ve been a shit about it for the past 6-10 years. If that doesn’t strike a chord with you, maybe watch this movie and get a therapist?

Wind River

And speaking of getting a therapist, you might need one after this. Wind River is not by any stretch an easy film to watch (CW: rape scene late in the second act), but it is a gritty mystery that does what any crime story should well: it highlights a particularly ignored dark spot in North American society: the unaccounted-for loss of countless First Nations women on reservations. The politics are tied to the heart of this story, but rarely does it come off as preachy or a gimmick. At its heart, this mystery is a character study. In fact, nearly all of the moments that really sing are the quiet moments between the bigger set pieces. That being said, there’s a standoff sequence that happens late in the movie that is FUCKING INTENSE. You need a strong stomach for this one, but I was really impressed with it; the simplicity and effectiveness of the writing, the stark visuals, the top-notch performances. It’s great.

Logan

Logan made my cry. Actually, I’m pretty sure all of these movies coaxed a tear. But here’s the thing. I don’t actually give a shit about Wolverine. He’s not my favorite X-person. He’s definitely not my favorite anti-hero... But this movie was fucking exceptional. Not only does it take Logan’s character to an honorable and earned conclusion, it shows us that superhero movies don’t have to be for kids; they don’t have to follow the same old formula of “good guys learn something and win”... Of course, conventions are played with in this movie, but almost always to toy with your expectation as a viewer. You never know for certain if Logan’s going to make it out of this one on top... And when it ends, you won’t feel the same “Enh” that usually comes with the credits of a big I.P. movie.

Baby Driver

If you go into Baby Driver planning to take apart the story or to really delve into the character study of a young getaway driver... You’re missing the point of this movie. Instead, go in expecting a musical that happens to revolve around crime, and a young getaway driver’s learning that crime is only fun to a point. It’s a great thematic deconstruction of heist and getaway movies, showing us why we enjoy these things before peeling away the layers of heightened idealism until we just see the truth: crime is where people die and innocence is lost. (CW: Kevin Spacey, one of the newly minted shitstains of Hollywood garbage men... But he’s a nominal force.) It also has a killer soundtrack, some of the best driving sequences to grace the screen for a while, and it’s all tied together with that expertly stylized fantasy vision that belongs to Edgar Wright alone.

Ingrid Goes West

The thing I love most about this fiendishly unrepentant social media satire is that it will legit piss off people who buy into the whole “Insta-lyfe”. It picks apart how easily one can manufacture a personality or brand online that in no way represents who they actually are. It also, with zero subtlety, highlights just how fucking batshit our world can get when we start valuing our online avatars more than the people behind them. Of course, it wouldn’t be a proper satire if the facade didn’t shatter, and where that takes the story of this troubled young woman as she tries to manufacture the life she’s been double-tapping in her feed? Well... I thought it was bloody brilliant.

Band Aid

A small screen gem that totally destroyed me on the first viewing. Strap in with tissues and follow this quirky dramedy which follows a couple reeling from the fallout of a miscarriage. They’re not coping well, and in order to save their marriage, they decide to start turning their fights into songs. Sounds cute, right? But that’s the thing about cute band-aids: they don’t heal the wound on their own. Check this one out for some brilliant and bizarre bits of comedy, some hilarious songs, and some moments that are just heartbreaking. I wanted to give this movie #1 with a bullet, but then again, I’m not ranking this year, and how on earth could I forget...

Get Out

This movie was amazing. I knew it would be from the first time I saw its trailer, but good zombie Jesus on a popsicle stick, did it deliver. Social horror is the best horror, because as weird and horrible as the movie gets, everything that happens in it actually fucking happens every day of the year. No, not not a young person of color getting kidnapped and brainwashed by a bunch of upper-class white people... Jesus, do you actually watch movies literally? Do you not understand allegory? Does the subject of race, and how privileged upper-class assimilation looks through a Twilight Zone lens make you uncomfortable? Then...

You thought I was gonna write “Get out!” didn’t you? Nah. Go watch this movie. If it makes you uncomfortable, good. 

BUT DANIEL, WHAT ABOUT THE LAST JEDI?

I liked it, okay? It wasn’t perfect, and I’m sure I’ll get into that in more depth in a later post (or perhaps even in a podcast... that’s right, I’m working on shit). But all in all, a great entry to the franchise, and the first SW movie for a while to actually have the balls to move the franchise in a new trajectory and build off what the OT started. If you disagree, you can go wank your Return of the Jedi Luke Saber in the corner and cry about the lack of fanservice. Your days are numbered, cannon police.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

IT, GOTG Vol 2, and fuck it, I’m saying it: Dunkirk gave me a massive “meh.”

DID ANYTHING SUCK?

...The Election? Um... yeah, but I’m not going to the trouble of securing pictures for these. A list in short:

- Atomic Blonde

- Logan Lucky

- Kong: Skull Island

- Bright

- Max Landis in general

- Joss Whedon in general

And yeah. That’s a year at the movies. Toodles until 2018.

[blondfishbish]

Weird Shit My Friends Have Said With Zero Context

"You are an in innocent little slut." "Dab party." "Sloth-looking uniboob bitch." "I am the housewife, fuck." "My precious child, Satan." "Bow before my technology." "See, I didn't think about that because I am inconsiderate." "I'm just trying to show that I'm interested even though I'm not." "There are no stars-" "Because they're all in your eyes." "Gay." "How the hell did you get off to a bad start with the neighbors?" "They're aliens I swear." "I look like a discount Harry Potter." "Twas pretty gooch." "I am a bad millennial." "Trust no one but have fun." "I don't mean to be the mom friend yes I do." "Please don't bring the Kardashians into my classroom, they shouldn't exist." "This is a Möbius strip of fuckitude." "I just work here." "Entirely my fault but that does not mean I won't fuck up again." "I think I pretty much am a golden retriever." "Where do you sleep?" "There's a fridge." "I'm gonna drop it -five.... four... three... two... one." "Reflexes like a cat." "She gave you a count down." "They're kinda fucked up in the head so they named him George." "Hold onto your gravy, it's gonna be a bumpy ride." "One two three four, I declare a thumb war." "It's not a war if I submit." "My choices are poor and my wallet is poorer." "I enjoy the name 'Poog.'" "How about you drink a nice tall glass of shut the hell up." "This bitch just called me an ogre." "Where do you think I get my peanut brittle from?" "A dead guy." "I'm always mad. I'm a tiny little ball angry." "Yellow." "Blue -what are we doing." "What'd you say? Debbie Dick? Who's Debbie?" "There's a demon in you." "Yeah, I named him Hector." "High school puppy love." "Puppies?" "That is a very tall and skinny child." "I've seen taller and skinnier." "You are a worldly child." "Fuck, she's dead." "Why does it say blue?" "It's -its blue." "I'm not her keeper." "You're her mother." "So?" "Why do I jump straight to putting people in graves." "My milkshake needs to bring all the boys to the yard." "But I'm lactose intolerant." "I knew it was a bad idea but I did it anyways. You know why? Because I don't care." "I don't want to be over the hill, I want to be under it. Bury me already." "I want donuts." "You know what, Emily? You don't get fucking donuts." "You're my donut." "Thanks man." "What's your character?" "I don't know, black?" "I have a knack for order of operations." "Here's the thing: we have a lot of oreos." "Who even is this guy?" "Don't you fuckin' wink at me you bitch." "I want my skin to feel as if it's on fire." "I'm upsetti spaghetti." "That's my favorite meal." "I am the spawn point." "Saying that I woke up early implies that I went to sleep, which would be incorrect." "Fuck me up with a chicken stick." "I know you're an asshole, but try to be less of an asshole." "Nick is Arabic for dick." "Actually I'm pretty sure dick is Arabic for dick." "Guys, don't try to confuse me it's too easy." "I fixed my syntax you bitch." "Who cares, life is pointless." "I guess you've never seen the original Icelandic play, but he's actually a blue elf." "Is this you telling me you're gonna slit my throat again because that wasn't appreciated the first time around." "I never want to see you again." "Then gouge your fucking eyes out." "I dab unironically." "I'm going to injure you." "What?" "I'm going to injure you." "You're going to eat me?" "No." "What'd you say?" "I said I'm going to injure you." "How?" "Violently." "Everything went black." "Racist." "Did you just assume that all black people are bad?" "No, I assumed that all black people are black." "You whore." "I'll attach mine back on." "That's really creepy." "What the fuck do I give about a salad." "Never mind, this is Ben, the fuck up." "You have a great face for drag." "Do you know what cookie it was? It tastes like a snickerdoodle." "Then was it maybe a fucking snickerdoodle?" "I'm trying to be fancy and you're on me." "She just wants to feel close to you." "Yeah, well feel close to me somewhere else." "Is he cute?" "No, he's white." "I have a mind like a steel trap; a steel trap corroded by time and weather." "Is that a unit of measure?" "No, that's a unit of fuck you." "You whore." "Actually, the proper term is prostitute." "But you don't get paid." "Do I need to?" "Dude, you just kicked her in the wrist." "I used to win burping contests all the time in middle school." "That is the nerdiest thing I have ever heard." "What? I was short and chubby and I wasn't particularly good at anything." "Hey, you've got shit coming out of you." "I dropped my phone on the most significant part of my pinky toe." "Am I the only one not wearing pants?" "Someone undress me." "I'm coming in hot, Bean." "I am a bad habit." "Give me your nipple." "If you get to cheat on me, I get to pinch your nipple." "Those hamsters are not having a good time." "Who even likes oats -oh. Dragons." "Why is he wearing shorts?" "He defies the gods." "He's gay. The gods don't want him." "Are you a whale or a bird?" "... I'm a dolphin." "I punched a cup." "Why do you... why do you have a cactus?" "Because I'm Mexican and we eat cactuses." "I promptly prescribe my biggest fuck you in the ass to be taken immediately." "Ow, that would be painful." "Wow, it's almost like it's a fucking knife." "Your ass. Do with it what you will." "It's a reminder not to do bad things and then I do bad things while looking at it and feel guilty." "No, officer, I do not have a burger in my purse." "I know my limits but I do not adhere to them." "We're here, we're queer, and we're just gonna go play some video games." "Fuck home, let's go to Mount Scott." "What?" "Huh? Nothing." "Jenesais pa." "Pa." "I'm always a slut for nuggies." "Ye." "I'm gonna get to go home and you -we don't know what's going to happen to you but we're going to assume it's bad." "Your shadow is suspicious." "You drive with your feet and while looking at your phone." "So? I don't see a problem with that." "Were you throwing my own Cheetos at me?" "Great, now I have peanut butter in my wound." "We can't have a soup party, Jenna." "When's our friendaversary?" "We don't have one, fuck you." "Who the fuck let the cows out." "Do you have your socks on? Because I'm about to knock them off." "It's like they literally want me to crush their body with my car." "If you're gonna rearend my car then just end me." "I don't even have pockets." "You're wearing cargo pants." "Shut up." "That was a lot of thrusting." "This is a sleepy bean. They're rare and I caught one." "Did you just refer to your vagina as Sadness and Despair." "You keep hitting me in the nose." "That's because your nose is huge." "You're such a grouchy old man." "Yes. I've been practicing." "I pledge allegiance to the flag of rock." "I am a rabbit punch." "Peanut butter is a natural ointment." "That's the wrong animal." "Peanut butter's not even an animal." "Yes." "Too many skeletons, too many closets, and I don't know where they all are." "I just burped up apples, I'm a fucking unicorn." "There's a McDonalds statue." "Otherwise known as our god." "You got chicken in my purse." "I think I just twisted my ankle galloping in here like a knight on a white horse." "What are you doing?" "I think I broke a nail." "Okay? But why are you holding onto me?" "I need balance." "Never have I ever fought a child." "You're about to." "You just head butted my Pokéball." "Fuck, man, I was sniffing that." "I'm too small to be filled with this much rage." "It's not polite to be a little bitch either, y'know, but here you are." "Is it hazing?" "No, it's friendship." "I have no clue how to start anything but fires and fistfights." "Where are we going?" "You know, if I knew I would tell you." "Tyler, I'm sorry." "Apologize later when I'll forgive you." "Can I get back on the bench? I've got one butt cheek off." "Why are you guys such nerds? " "Why are you such a fucking dick?" "I dunno know, daddy issues?" "How about you eat my ass -wait no, that's weird. How about you eat your own ass." "Hey guess what, dumbass? My car smells like fucking chicken." "You know she smokes cigarettes with eyebrows like that." "You're our teacher." "Okay, listen up assholes." "You -I -huegh." "He's like the height of chewbacca." "I'm being a desperate penis, okay?" "If she wants to be a murderer..." "You don't have any friends here, everyone wants to either see you beat or leave." "You're gonna get fucked by splooge that's disgusting." "You made a cake for yourself?" "Yeah, it's called being lonely." "He did not calculate the trajectory of how he was going to eat shit." "I don't pray." "To Lima beans yes you do." "Shut up, I'm praying to the good lord Lima Bean." "It's because of my scintillating conversation topics." "Ew I don't like that word, don't say that ever again." "... conversation?" "I didn't water my parsley! I'm upset." "We express things differently in Bean Town." "The squirrel thought your throw was embarrassing." "Moral of the story: finish making your Mac and Cheese, don't hide in the corner, the Babadook isn't real, don't watch the fuckin movie." "Did you just backhand a balloon?" "Karma doesn't exist, life just sucks." "In spirit I am a Great Dane. And you are a chihuahua." "Is that an onion?" "Yep." "Okay." "My stripper name is Borris." "That's like cheetahs without legs." "Why would you want a fish? They can't even talk." "I think you scuffed my loafers." "Somewhere in the two and a half hour movie, I'm gonna have to pee." "Weak." "I'm old and have the bladder of a small child. I make no excuses." "Trust me, if my expectations were any lower we'd all need to be worried about a serious self-esteem issue."