#i actually went to bed at 3am yesterday

[racke7]

Woke up some time before 2AM, drenched in sweat. Got up at 2AM after tossing and turning for a while to go to the bathroom and splash some water on myself. Didn't help.

Got up to check if I had a fever (I didn't) and drenched a t-shirt. Helped for maybe half-an-hour.

So I opened a window. To the -3C outside.

It very slowly started to help. By 4AM my shirt was dry and I wasn't really using the blanket, but it felt... okay?

And at some point I must've fallen asleep, because at 5AM my alarm woke me out of a dream.

I closed the window and realized that it was snowing outside.

I have summer-tires on my car.

[newtthetranswriter]

Christmas Conflict Clean Up

Word count: 949

Paring: Takashi Mitsuya x reader

Summary: Taking care of him after the Christmas conflict.

Warnings: Talk of blood, concussions and other injuries, stabbing

A/N: Hello everyone, I hope that if you celebrate Christmas you had a good one yesterday, and if you don’t, I hope you still had an amazing day. Anyway, I wrote this picturing it happening obviously right after the fight in the church. I also picture it happening when they are in the last year of high school, so still teen but more like 18ish. Anyway, enjoy and remember to Hydrate Or Diedrate.

   It was about three in the morning when the knocking on my window finally woke me up. I was totally confused by this, like, who in their right mind is knocking on people’s windows at 3am the day after Christmas. As I went to the window, my question was answered, seeing my boyfriend standing outside, with what was very clearly a black eye and many other injuries to his handsome face. Realizing it was Takashi standing out there, I rushed to slide the window open and help him climb through the window.

   “I’m sorry to wake you up so early. I just didn’t want to wake Luna and Mana with my face so beat up.” Takashi explained as he gave a weak smile sitting on my bed.

   Ignoring his explanation as to why he was here, I went to work, looking for my first aid kit that I kept in my room for nights like this. Digging through my dresser drawer, I let out a quiet exclamation of victory, pulling out the box of supplies. Turning on my bedside lamp, I decide the best course of action would be to first clean up all the blood. “Sorry, but this is gonna sting.” I said, taking an antiseptic wipe to a large cut on his cheek. He flinched away from the wipe and in response I grabbed the back of his head to hold him still, not realizing that was also a bad idea.

   This time he jerked forward, nearly headbutting me in the process. “Shit that hurt.” Takashi mumbled out, trying to keep his voice down.

   Realizing with that kind of reaction, there had to be a wound on the back of his head, I turned his face away from me. I let out a sigh of relief when I didn’t see any blood in his hair, but knowing there could still be something there, I carefully started moving his short hair out of my way. When I bumped a particular spot, he let out another quiet string of curses, signalling that I found the spit of concern. Looking closer at the spot, I could see a rather large bump that was already starting to turn purple. “Jesus, Takashi, what’d they hit you with a brick?” I asked, only slightly joking.

  “Close, a metal pipe.” Was his response as he tilted his head to look back at me. I held back a gasp, as I didn’t actually think whoever he got in a fight with this time would hit him with something. “Don’t worry, I’m fine. It’s just a bump and a bruise, nothing major.” He smirked, trying to make it sound not that bad.

  I resisted the urge to smack the back of his head. “Nothing major, really, Takashi. You could have a concussion, for god’s sake. Now sit still so I can clean up the rest of your face.” I snapped as I turned him back to facing me. “And don’t flinch, or I will make sure you leave here with a concussion.” I threatened, going back to wiping off his cuts.

  With that, he shut right up, knowing that if I had to I would really beat his ass for being an idiot. “What even were you idiots fighting about at Christmas?” I asked, hoping to get some answers on the citation, that lead to a bloody boyfriend knocking on my window at three o’clock.

  He paused, probably trying to figure out how to explain it in a way to make it sound justified. When he finally spoke, I could tell it was the unfiltered truth. “Takemitchy believed that Hakkai was going to kill his brother and was dead set on stopping him. He was right in the sense that Hakkai was there, but Yuzuha is the one who ultimately stabbed Taiju. Don’t worry, the wound wasn’t fatal, but it turned into an all out brawl in the church with Takemitchy, Chifuyu, Hakkai, and Me against Taiju and a couple of his Black dragon guys. Honestly, the only thing that saved our asses was Mikey and Draken showing up when they did.” He explained.

  I knew right away it was the truth, Hakkai was like the little brother Takashi never had, and I know he would do anything for him, even risk his life if he had too. I smiled as I wiped the last little bit of blood off his lower lip. “I’m glad everyone made it out okay then.” It’s all I could think to say. He returned the gentle smile. “Now please take a break from fighting until at least the new year, I don’t think your pretty face can take another beating so soon.” I said, earning a chuckle from him as I moved to the first aid kit back in its resting spot.

  When I turned around, Takashi had kicked off his shoes and thrown his Toman jacket over my desk chair, and made himself comfortable on my bed. Before I could say anything, he beat me to it. “You said it yourself, I could have a concussion from being hit with a metal pipe. I shouldn’t be driving in this condition. Now come lay down, we both know your parents are used to me coming over all beat up and spending the night.” He said, making valid points, patting the space next to him. I quickly lied down next to him, turning off the light. Before I could drift off to sleep, I heard one last thing from the lilac haired young man. “Thank you for always being here for me, even if it’s at such shitty hours” That was the last thing I heard before letting sleep take over.

[ryethebrokengae]

Okay, but imagine 141 x Delirious and sick!reader(me rn):

Day 1:

# They could tell you weren't feeling tip top yourself, with the way you were a bit groggier and took longer to get across base for meetings.

# They, much like you, originally thought you were just burnt out from pushing yourself too hard.

# Because of that you decided to take a few days off from training. Asking Price about it. Who obviously approved, but was iffy about it.

Day 2:

# This was when they could really tell something was off.

# You spent most of the day napping or eating.

# And when you were awake you were sniffling and grouchy.

# One time when you were getting yourself a snack you saw a brand spanking new box of cold medicine. And silently thanked whoever had gotten it for you.

Day 3:

# This was when shit started getting weird. You had woken up feeling grosser than you had felt yesterday but shrugged it off.

# The morning, per usual, was spent napping.

# And when you went to lunch with everyone else you noticed that you were a bit more hyper than usual.

# Which was strange seeing as you were definitely still sick. You shrug it off, still feeling gross.

# When you're around the boys you start saying shit that normally you wouldn't even think of. And almost start crying from something you said cause of how funny it was to you.

# The boys just looked at each other confused and worried.

# When you suddenly pause and sit up. "I think I'm delirious." It all clicks.

# Simon nods to you slowly like 'yeah. We can tell, love.'

# I imagine after awhile of you running around base. -Or let me correct myself. Running *away* from the boys on base.- They catch you, of course, and nearly strap you to your bed and force feed you medicine.

# You're already a little out there when you're not delirious, and they do *not* wanna find out what kinda shit you pull when you are.

A/N: Anyway. I'm pretty sure this is legible and makes sense. It's not great but that's what you get when sick!rye gets to writing. God. I need to get off this app.(will I? No.)

Lil added scene based off me rn:

# They find you watching tik toks at 3AM while sitting on the floor in the base kitchen. Eating pancakes and drinking tea.

# Price is *pissed*

# I just imagine him[We all know it's Ghost who does the actual dragging. Our peepaw can't risk breaking his back keepin' your delirious ass from pulling some stupid shit] **literally** dragging you back to your room. And you just saying, "Nooo, c'mon Pricee. Look! The tea's even the kind for colds! Ay! At least lemme bring my pancakes!"

[brattylikestoeat]

Story time because why not I can’t sleep.

I got home around 3am yesterday Mister was at my door by 9am.

Who is Mister? Older man from my kink days. Back when I was heavy on the kink scene. We’ve flirted over the years, he was either in a relationship or I was so it never really aligned if that makes sense. He one of those background characters I kept in my phone just in case.

Mister is older (don’t ask, tad bit ashamed at the age) but he keeps himself up, very much body builder with silver hair, a few tattoos, tall and handsome.

He a very much all or nothing type guy. A Dom who takes bdsm way too seriously. I’m here to have fun and have amazing sex. So we kinda clash on that. The name isn’t bratty for no reason.

Our texting kicked up the week of my birthday. He texted me, we went out, did a little shopping, and had a nightcap. Just drinks, no sex and he sent me home.

The following Thursday (after the calls) he asked if I was busy and if not if I wanted to come over.

As much as I love my apartment I like going to others house more. He has a nice home in Cobb, and I can smoke there so hell yeah I’ll come.

To Mister sex doesn’t exist without kink. If he isn’t being dominate and getting his way he don’t want it. And tbh that’s hard for me because I haven’t done it in so long. But he walked me thru it, nice and slow.

I felt like he punished me for making him wait. I’m made him wait for access and he just didn’t like it. He def took it out on me that first night.

That was a week ago. Our second date was today. I invited him over because after the night I had, I knew I wasn’t leaving the house at all.

He gets here and he has a bag. He not spending the night, not even staying to lunch. He asked for a towel or sheet and he set everything in his bag on there. Rope, clamps, and a few other things.

“I’m going to make you want me.” He told me.

In my mind I’m like good luck. But tbh he kinda did that lol.

Mister worked me through 4 earth shattering orgasms. Two of them while I was tied up.

One of the things that surprised me, was he kept telling me to tell him I love him.

I love what you are doing to me. I love how you are making me feel. I love that you are giving me a few hours to take my mind off my situation. But love you? Lol hell nah.

But I told him, because that’s what he needed to hear. One of the reason these men are so hooked on me is because I become their dream. I tell them what they want to hear, I give them what they want.

2 hours later and we’re done. Just laying in my bed. But he gotta go, I got actual plans today that don’t involve him.

Mister cleaned himself and his items up while I laid in bed. I could get at least two hours of sleep if I tried but I knew I wouldn’t.

By the time he got himself together I could tell he was anxious.

There always this doubt they went to far, did to much, overstepped some boundaries.

But he looked at me and said, “I don’t wanna leave you.”

“Why not baby?” I ask. Mind you I’m still naked, looking up at him.

“You need me rn.”

I almost laughed in his face. I need sleep, I need something to eat, I need a blunt, I need to check on my cat.

He had served his purpose and he knew that. He hoping I don’t fade back into obscurity and ghost him.

But I won’t. For now Mister can stay. 

[ishanijasmin]

the 4 horsemen of adulthood

on monday, i consumed a sainsbury’s meal deal and two cream and jam scones and forgot to drink any water until 10pm. or i didn’t so much forget as think, ‘i’m thirsty’ and then just not do tanything about it—i literally don’t know why. i explained it to three separate people today and they were all like, ‘yep, makes sense.’ ??? does it???

it’s been a long time since my self-neglect hit critical mass like that; i went to bed queasy and woke up with a headache and a bunch of my clothes from yesterday heaped in a corner because i’m nearly 30 and i can’t just not drink water for an entire day anymore without feeling it. i have to identify as nearly 30 so that when i turn 30 in six months i’m not hit with whiplash.

i remember being 15 and staying up til 3am talking to my tumblr friends in america. i remember chugging four shots one after the other and then having the time of my life as fast as possible. i remember not stretching, not wearing spf, not being worried about needing a coat. no longer! ageing is just coming to terms with the fact that you do, in fact, have needs, one essential after the next. sleep, sunlight, movement, water: the four horsemen of being an adult, shortening telomeres and all.

someone reading this might think, ‘hmm, sounds like you’re depressed.’ maybe! this year i’ve been in and out of depressive phases, of varying lengths of time—a few days to a week, usually, but sometimes a bit longer. i think part of this is that i never seem to be able to come to terms with who i am. i’m permanently in a mix of white knuckling my own life and holding it together for fear that i might explode.

this year i bought an apartment. i quit a job that was my dream, because having autonomy and not being controlled and condescended to at work mattered more to me than being purpose-driven in the end. i founded a choir, recorded an album, became a trustee, was featured in an exhibition, and went on a bunch of trips. i pulled the rug out from under myself over and over again just to feel like i was alive.

i often feel i am watching myself as a marionette, and big me is poking and prodding little puppet me with a stick, chanting, ‘change! change! change!’ just to see what happens. because i don’t know what happens. now she moves house! now she quits her job! now she starts using different pronouns! now they’ve signed up for a year long pottery class! what will they do next?! who will they become? who are they becoming right now?

a lot of things are scary and i do them anyway because i believe in jumping out of my comfort zone (me, prodding the puppet self with a cattle prod: ‘change! change! change!’). things like showing up, putting myself out there, holding space, reaching out, sending an email, public speaking—they’re the choices i make to have control over my world and my selfhood, even if they do make it feel scarier. it’s not always so deliberate—usually it’s ending something that’s no good for you anymore, which is sad, and feels forced, but choice is change as a process, not as a one off.

and if that weren’t enough, everything is so fast and so slow at the same time! the days are long, the years are short. the days are long. i don’t have much in the way of routine, which theoretically means that i probably experience less time dilation than average. i would be lying if i said the presence of a nine to five actually made me feel better, because i remember being in it, and it didn’t, but it stopped me from feeling like i am metamorphosing at light speed.

that’s the journey, and embracing it (or if not, at least holding on). from the outside, it’s sitting on the couch, going to a museum, eating a pastry for breakfast not because i can but because i can’t think of an alternative, doing admin, catching a friend for a walk, going to the charity shop and leaving empty handed, picking up a prescription, watching 3 minutes of schitt’s creek at a time, bleaching every orifice in your home to stave off fruit flies. from the inside? it’s the wildest ride. let us take a step back, look at our puppet selves, and let them breathe for a hot minute, because change is gonna come, ready or not.

[theodorecanaryhood]

The coffee shop guy

Red Hood x Male! Reader (Arkhamverse)

Jason goes to a coffee shop after a long night of patrol, which is where he keeps running into a handsome stranger.

Seemed only yesterday that Jason was determined to get revenge on the big, bad Batman. Seemed only yesterday he failed miserably, regretting his choices and making a decision to help Bruce.

Jason hadn’t slept decently for a good few years as nightmares always crept up, 2am or 3am and then that was it, he’d be awake the rest of the night.

Jason couldn’t stand it anymore and decided to start pulling all nighters, patrolling the streets until the sun came up.

Of course, Jason knew he couldn’t go in like this forever, he knew exhaustion would win. Until then, Jason would power through.

It was around 7am and Jason needed a pick me up for the drive home, he didn’t exactly want to fall asleep at the wheel.

‘Clover coffee? Seems cute’ Jason mumbled to himself, he walked inside trying his hardest to look as awake as possible.

He stared at the menu in the wall for a good minute or so, settling for his usual choice.

Jason always found it funny about how when people order the same thing, they go to a coffee shop or a restaurant and look at the menu, only to order the same thing again.

‘Hi, what can I get you?’ The young girl behind the counter asked with a smile, Jason smiled as best he could, his tired face not being able to show much expression.

‘Hey, can I just get a black Americano please?’ He asked, not paying attention to his surroundings as the girl took his order.

‘Can I take the name please?’ She asked in return.

‘Jason’

A few minutes of standing waiting for his order, Jason heard his name called out.

Sit inside or walk to the car? Well, Jason could’ve still fallen asleep at the wheel if he hadn’t allowed the caffeine to hit yet.

Jason settled for sitting inside, only till he got more than halfway, then he’d head home.

Still not paying any attention to his surroundings Jason didn’t even take in that there was other people inside, Jason looked around a bit. That’s when he noticed him, you.

Your h/c hair slightly messy as if you’d been ruffling it, your black framed glasses sitting perfectly on your face. Not dressed to stand out, but at the same time, dressed to be noticed in some form.

Jason couldn’t understand why all of a sudden he was so engrossed with the male figure sitting opposite him.

You stared at the screen of your laptop as you slightly smiled at something on the screen. Fiddling the pen in your hand.

Jason kicked himself for not having the courage to at least try and get your attention, but then he wasn’t in a state to chat some cute guy up, Jason looked as tired as he felt.

What Jason really needed was a day and night in bed, sleep, rest. It took Jason a good 48 hours to somewhat recover, sleeping so many hours he’d lost track of if it was day, night, morning, Wednesday. Jason really had no idea.

Jason didn’t patrol for about a week by this point, he couldn’t keep forcing himself to stay awake.

Some more time went by and Jason was allowing himself to sleep more, get more comfortable with staying still and allowing himself nights off.

He went out with Roy after so long of not seeing his best friend, Jason even started to look like he was dead…again.

Jason had actually forgotten about the cute guy in the coffee shop, until he went back again to get another dose of caffeine. This time not from staying up all day and night for weeks on end, but from simply having to wake up early.

Like most people, Jason couldn’t face getting up at shits o’clock so needed a hit of caffeine.

‘Americano for Jason’ the male barista called out, Jason took his coffee with a smile and a small thank you.

Sitting down in the same spot he sat last time, noticing you again.

It was like you didn’t move from the last time he was here, except you had, because you were wearing a different outfit, but still.

Jason tried to see what your name was on your cup, but he couldn’t spot it. Jason thought he might come off creepy if he sits and stares at you, but then you weren’t looking near his direction.

‘He’s not into you Jason, he’s probably straight, or married’ Jason whispered to himself quietly.

Luckily no one was close enough to hear Jason arguing with himself. They might lock him up in Arkham for thinking he’s crazy.

Still there was no denying, Jason was into you and couldn’t help but to look at you. He watched as you took a sip of your coffee, adjusting yourself in your seat a little.

‘No wedding ring, ok good start’ Jason thought to himself as he saw your left hand.

You pushed your glasses up your face as you typed something, Jason sat and wondered what your job was. A reporter? A journalist? An author?

Either way, Jason found himself creepy right now, staring at this man who for all he knew was really just minding his own business.

Days went by and Jason kept coming back, the same coffee shop, the same seat. Checking out the same guy.

By this time Jason was trying to see what name fits you more. Were you a Blake? A Jordan? A Cameron? No, none of those names fit you.

Maybe a more sophisticated male like Nicholas? Tristan? Sebastian?

Jason was also thinking about how soft your skin is, what it would be like to touch, how it would be to kiss you. Ok, now Jason really felt he had to stop. Even he was finding this super creepy now.

Jason threw himself into a good book to distract himself, in the back of his head thinking wouldn’t it be hilarious if after all this time of checking you out, you had the same name as him.

‘Stop Todd’ Jason thought to himself, losing his page.

Today was different, Jason was at his usual coffee shop in his usual spot. But, his eye candy wasn’t there today.

Jason was going to bring a book anyway as a distraction. But now he really has no choice, he couldn’t sit and look up at his coffee shop crush every now and then.

Just as Jason got halfway down his coffee he saw you walk in, he smiled a little to himself. Watching as you walked over to the counter.

There was only one other person in the whole coffee shop today, as it is a weekday and most people are on the school run or heading to work already.

‘I need sugar’ Jason said out loud in case anyone thought he was just being weird.

The stand with all the sugar and stuff was next to the counter where you order, this seemed a perfect opportunity for Jason to catch the first glimpse into your life, your name.

‘Hey, can I get an Almond latte please?’ You said, your voice soft yet had a gravelly tone too.

Heavenly, was all Jason could think as he heard you speak for the first time.

‘What size would you like?’ The barista asked.

‘Medium please’ you replied, Jason thought it was cute how polite you were.

‘The name in the order?’ The barista asked again.

‘Y/n’

Jason grabbed a fistful of sugar sachets as he smiled to himself, he finally knew your name. And it was very fitting.

‘Oh, sorry’ you said as you nearly walked into Jason, looking him in the eyes.

‘No problem, I should watch where I’m walking’ Jason chuckled, he was caught off a little by your eyes.

They were the most beautiful e/c eyes he’d ever seen, and your smile was even more amazing.

Jason tried to catch his breath a little as he walked back to his table, watching slyly as you walked to your usual spot.

Driving home with a little smile on his face as he finally knew, as sad as it seemed to admit to people. He finally knew his crushes name, what he sounded like.

Jason never went everyday but went regular as not to look desperate. But by this point, Jason was getting a little eager to know more about you.

Jason was here before you again as he’d come a little earlier today, simply coming for needing the caffeine hit. Jason had a rough night, last night he’d taken out Black Mask, and it was brutal.

Jason hadn’t slept much for the first time in a while, Jason was a little grumpy and not in the mood for people.

Jason saw you walk in but this time was different as you came in with someone, you were both laughing as you walked in.

Jason smiled as he heard your laugh for the first time, it was magical.

Though, Jason couldn’t help the little tug at his heart as you came in with a woman. The two of you stood at the counter while you both spoke.

‘Fuck’ Jason mumbled to himself, feeling like an idiot as he watched his months long crush with someone else.

Jason dove himself back into his book as he sipped his coffee, not noticing the figure coming towards him.

‘Hey, sorry to bother you, is it ok if I borrow this chair?’ You asked Jason, hand on the backrest of the seat.

Jason nodded, smiling a little as not to seem rude, you smiled as you took the chair and placed it opposite yourself, your usual place of course.

Jason cursed to himself again as he mentally kicked and punched, thinking he was a total loser. Once again, not noticing you coming over.

‘Hey, sorry to bother you, again. I always see you here alone. Was just wondering if you’d like some company?’ You asked, really out of the blue which caught Jason off guard.

‘Sure’ Jason kind of hesitated with the answer, walking over to your table with you.

‘Got you an iced latte, as it’s getting warmer now’ your friend said, she spotted Jason, who was seated next to you.

‘Hi, I’m Terri’ she said, Jason smiled and waved a little.

‘She’s a work friend’ you said, Jason then mentally apologised to himself for all the mean things he’d called himself.

‘Awesome, I’m Jason’ Jason livened up all of a sudden.

‘Y/n’ you finished.

The three of you sat for a good hour as you spoke, Terri suddenly looking at her phone screen.

‘Shoot, I got a run. You boys stay and enjoy the chat’ Terri rose to her feet, giving you a quick kiss on the cheek and shaking Jason’s hand again. Heading for the door.

Now is your moment Jason, don’t be an asshole, you’ve had a crush on this guy for months. Talk to him. Jason mentally challenged himself to jump in a ask you out.

‘So, you’re here a lot’ Jason cringed at his words as soon as they came out.

You laughed heartily as you sipped on your coffee, pushing your glasses up your nose. Placing your hand close to Jason’s.

‘Yeah, it’s my favourite place to just come and forget about the outside. You’re also here a lot’ you pointed out.

Jason smiled, thinking back to the first time he came here. What kept him coming here straight after.

‘Yeah, truth be told I came in the first time because I was extremely and unhealthily tired, but I kept coming after because of, a different reason’ Jason explained, you raised an eyebrow. Nodding your head slightly.

‘Mhm, and I’ll guess the reason isn’t the $7 coffee?’ You chuckled, smiling so bright Jason’s day just lit up more.

‘My coffee shop crush’ Jason blurted without thinking, he covered his mouth as he realised he’d said it out loud. Though, you laughed.

‘I figured, I saw you checking me out’ you admitted, Jason instantly regretting the long distracting thoughts while staring directly at you for weeks on end.

‘You did’

‘Yeah, but it’s cool, I checked you out too’ you admitted once again, Jason blushing.

‘What?’ Jason looked genuinely shocked, as he didn’t think you’d be interested in him. Jason Todd of all the guys in Gotham, what made him special.

‘What can I say? I like them mysterious’ you chuckled, brushing Jason’s hand.

Another question answered as Jason discovered your skin really was soft. As soft as anything.

He still had two more things to find out, one being your job and the other what it felt like to kiss you.

After a bit more talking you looked at your watch, standing up.

‘Well, time is getting away, I have a thing but this really should happen more often’ you said, Jason smiled.

‘Yeah, it really should’

‘I finish work at 4’ you smiled as you wrote your number down on a napkin for Jason.

‘What do you work as?’ Jason asked you as you winked.

‘School teacher’

Another question answered as Jason walked with you outside, feeling the softness of your hands once again as you touched his as you said goodbye.

Jason was humming to himself in the shower as he was really, for the first time in a while, happy and excited about something.

Jason put on his best shirt and pants as he sprayed some nice cologne, putting on his signature leather jacket and heading for his apartment door.

It was his first date with you tonight, for the first time Jason didn’t have to sit and imagine what it was like to do something with you, he could just do it.

A bar for a few drinks, then dinner, then a nice walk through the city as you both talked about life, childhood, family, funny stories. Jason could listen to you talk for hours. In fact, he could listen to you talk all night.

The final part of the date was approaching really fast, now Jason started to panic.

‘So, what’s a big No for you on a first date?’ You asked curiously, Jason thinking for a bit.

‘I guess I don’t have limits, maybe just be nice to me’ Jason answered, wondering if he should hold your hand or not.

‘Mine is about to break’

Jason looked at you confused, turning to you fully as he saw you looking into his eyes. Jason finally got the answer to his final question.

The kiss was amazing, it started as a light peck as you teased a little. Then you pulled Jason in fully and stayed there. Your lips were soft, the softest Jason had ever been blessed to kiss.

You took Jason’s hand as you both continued walking. Jason not talking much as he finally got to know what it was like, kissing you was the best feeling.

However, Jason had a bonus question. What would it be like to have you in his bed, sleeping next to him.

Ok, now Jason was going insane because all he wanted was to have every inch of you. Clothed or not.

Jason couldn’t remember the last time he’d had this much fun, well that’s a lie, he can it was with Roy a few nights ago in a bar. But, date wise, Jason could not remember.

It has been a few dates by now and Jason was getting quite impatient, he wanted to have you in his bed. Of course, he would never rush or force you. Yet, he was still itching for you.

‘This is the man magnet’ you chuckled as you walked into Jason’s apartment.

It was definitely a bachelor pad and had probably seen some action. Truth be told, Jason lived on one nights, he never let himself get attached.

Yet since meeting you, properly anyway, he never had interest for other men. When he saw you the first few times, Jason pictured your face when he was with other men, or alone and needed a release.

‘Not for a while’ Jason remarked, you gave a face enough to reply without speaking.

‘Ok hot stuff’ you responded sarcastically, Jason grabbing your arm as he pulled you in for a kiss.

The small kisses turned into making out, which turned into you tugging at Jason’s shirt, as he did the same to yours.

Jason’s bonus question got answered as he finally got to know, the feeling of you in his bed. The sounds you make, the way your body moves, his name being called, your body, your smell, your lips on various parts of his body, and his on yours, the noise you make when you’ve reached the ultimate level of pleasure.

Jason was in a dream as he lay on his back in his bed, you fast asleep on his chest.

How lucky that Jason didn’t sleep for so long, how lucky he stumbled on a random coffee shop. How lucky, Jason had the most precious thing in his arms.

[soul-likeasecretinyourthroat]

Guys I’ve won. It’s official.

WE ARE DATINGGGGG AAAAAAA

As of yesterday, September 24 th 2024, we have been together for 1 WHOLE MONTH

I still can’t believe he’s mine and I’m his 🤭 just the other day I met one of his new college friends and he introduced me to them as his girlfriend 😭🎀 literally MARRY ME ALREADYYYYY PLEASE!!!!!

My great wingman Morgan (gotta give credit where credit is due) put pressure on my bf to like make a move and ask me out because he was “tired of hearing me talking about him 24:7 and wondering when he will ask me out” 🤭

He asked me out 3am on the 24th of August, after we had hung out all evening after the football game / marching band gig 🤭

I was at his house til like 1:30am watching mob psycho 100 and Ouran High School Host Club, and then he dropped me off at my place. When he got home he asked me over text if I was free the following morning. I said yes (even though I wasn’t sure if I actually was bc I couldn’t ask my mom who was asleep lolll, I would make time) and then he asked after that “Date?”

That singular word filled me up with so much joy and happiness that I actually went outside and ran around the block barefoot in my pajamas because I was tweaking so harddddd

Our first date was breakfast, we had French toast w strawberries and maple syrup. We went thrifting and he tried on these waist size 52 jeans and he could put both his legs into one side of them 😂

Anyway, it has been a WHOLE FUCKING MONTH SINCE HE ASKED ME TO BE OFFICIAL AAAAAAAUGH IM LITERALLY CRYING I CANT BELIEVE I CAN FINALLY CALL HIM MY BOYFRIENDDDEDDD EEEEEEEEEEEEEE

I feel like a Victorian era man seeing a woman’s ankles and perhaps knees for the first time and dying from the beauty.

Even though he is living like 45 mins away I still see him on the weekends, and that’s why we have phones to call on and text and send funny photos

This past weekend, on both Friday and Saturday nights, we hung out together from like 7pm til 1:30am and on Saturday like 4:30pm - 2:00am watching Ouran High School Host Club, cuddled so close to each other that my sweatshirt I wore smells like him and now it’s my favorite one to ever have 🤭

On Friday night after marching band / football and after culvers, we go back to his place. We were both chilly, and as we leave to go into his house I grab my sweatshirt from the trunk of my car and he asked “what r u grabbing?” And I said “sweatshirt, I’m a bit chilly :)”

And then once we get settled in the basement, he literally says “one sec lemme go grab something” and he grabs His own blanket From His Bed and puts it in the dryer to warm it up, Waits a couple minutes, and then comes over by me on the couch and covers us both with it and snuggles up close on my right side so that my whole right and his whole left side were touching and aughhhhhh I’m in love.

Like that was so sweet right there.

I miss my wife, but soon this Sunday, I want to bring him up north to meet my bestie Bella, and to go swimming in my favorite lake with me surrounded by my favorite and familiar places and faces 🤭

I just thought I should update the blr because like you guys have at least seen my blog mention this mans and my woes, least I could do is feed you some scraps 🤭

[yakultii]

it’s that time of the day agaaaaiinnnn …. when I woke up this morning (or should I say afternoon bc I didn’t go to sleep til like 5am again rip) I thought today was gonna be so rough BUT I went through the motions and made some moves to improve it (I’m getting very good at this now! or maybe I always was and never really recognised it until now, allowing me to now feel good about it) and the afternoon was a lot better than expected! It was so exhausting I felt like I was physically dying but I spent hrs cleaning up so now if someone saw into my apartment it just looks a normal amount of messy rather than time to be institutionalised type vibe (no exaggeration) and then I made heaps more protein icecream and then I was so exhausted I wanted to lie in my bed forever but I also wanted to get some fresh air on a walk but I told myself I could only go for my walk IF I cooked them god damn burritos first(knowing I’d be both mentally and physically exhausted by the time I got back and put it off again….. and I did it!!!!!!! It didn’t take long at all which I knew all along but sometimes my mind can’t comprehend that until I actually do it ugh. Then I FaceTimed my mum while I went for a walk but on the way home I walked past them filming the news live cos some really tragic events occurred on my road which is so sad.. and then I got home and learned I have the heart rate variability of a 75yro at 24 so that’s super duper fun but we all knew my body was cooked and imma try do everything in my power to increase that :,) ALSO before I went on my walk I saw the new sign my neighbour put up (as u will see in a prev post) and it made me so happy :))) I’m so glad I made the card heheh making it and giving it brought me so much joy - I think maybe the reason my life feels so empty is because I haven’t been doing nice things for people(idk?) like how can I expect the universe be kind to me when I haven’t actively been going out of my way to be kind lately (I used to all the time but now I don’t have much human contact so that’s kinda why it’s been limited)… I was running at parkrun on Saturday mornings bit before I started getting too physically exhausted to even do that but this has got me thinking maybe I should just go there and volunteer until I’m feeling physically better?? It really can’t hurt for me to learn how to be around people again just one morning a week (just gotta fix my sleep schedule over the next few days first)… anyways I’ll get back to you on the progress w that one! additionally I am super grateful for my hot shower and even more so for the bomb ass burritos I just ate for dinner! I also achieved most my goals from yesterday of drink water and make burrito but not get sleep rip. My goals for tomorrow are 1. get to SLEEP before 3am (I mean that’s kinda today,kinda tomorrowlol) 2. eat a little more than I did today 3. complete readings/questions for at least 1 of my uni classes for next week(I’ve barely done any readings the entirety of my degree and still managed mostly 90s but I’m doin a lil experiment to see what happens when I do LOOL also now I only do so, no more philos, so that readings are gonna be a lot more manageable/I may as well try :) I hope you’re all having a lovely day today and that your tomorrow is even better!

[pbandjesse]

Today was a lot of fun but also absolutely exhausting and full of way to many people. Also my mouse isn't doing well and it makes me really sad. But I am trying to keep him comfortable. It's the least I can do if he's going to go soon. 

It just sucks because he seemed fine and fluffy this morning. I slept weird. Getting woken up by the smoke detector battery dying at 3am. And then waking up at 730 to Jess texting me she was running late and wasn't sure when she would get to the fair. And I was fine with that I just wanted her to let me know her ETA and we would change accordingly. 

James came in the bedroom around 8 and I let them know we would leave later then planned. So they had time to take a bike ride to the museum and get some baked goods and come back. I was able to just lay in bed and doze for a while. Getting up when Jess was leaving. 

I got ready and was having my pretzel from the market yesterday for breakfast when James came back. They got ready too. And made themselves a bagel. We left a few minutes later then I wanted but it actually all worked out. 

We made sure that my mouse baby was good. He was fed and fluffy. And sweetp was missed on and secure. And when we got outside Mr Will was there. It was nice to see him!! Hugs all around and then we were off. 

It was a pretty solid ride. I made James listen to 100gecs to loud. They said their ears were ringing. So we switched to something not as intense. And had a nice ride out to Crownville, which is the actual name of the town where the Ren fair is. Hilarious. 

We got there just as Jess was texting me she was parking. And we ended up parking only a few cars away! What amazing timing. 

After we parked me and James finished putting our accessories on. James was in charge of the backpack today which was a huge help. And I felt really cute. But mostly I just loved looking at my husband who looked so handsome today I couldn't barely stand it. Just looking like a prince and I was so happy to be with them. 

Honestly all of our outfits looked great today. I felt very cool. Temperature wise we were like perfect for the first couple hours but then I did the sun came out we were s bit overheated which was a little tough. But we were still having fun. 

I loved looking around and people watching. I'll admit I was a little overwhelmed. We were committed to seeing the first joust. But beyond that there wasn't much of a plan. Which is fine but a little stressful. 

We saw a building with miniatures in it and so we paid out little admission and went in and it was so worth it. Journey to Venice. The man we bought the tickets from was very nice and him and the other woman there complimented Jess's nails. Which were jelly red with bones on them super cool.

And the display was incredible. The mirror room was great. I loved seeing all the candles going back into space. Then in the main room was all these tiny building like you were in Venice and you open the doors and lights come on and sometimes you were looking at yourself in a costume in a scene and sometimes you were looking into a shop and sometimes it was just. Mirrors. Peppers ghost. They even had a true mirror! Which James very much didn't like but it just felt familiar to me. I have seen myself from so many angle. Looked into my own eyes. But I get why they might be uncomfy. 

We would make most of the full loop of the fair after that and it was decided we would get a snack for the joust. We were going to get potato wedges but then they were sold out. So instead me and Jess would save us front row seats for the joust and James would go get us french fries. We appreciated James greatly today for standing in food lines for us. 

The women next to us at the joust loved my bat bag, Lewis. Multiple women today would also me about him and compliment him and it was exciting and validating to tell people I made him. Jess said she likes that I say I msde him even though the stuffie part was bought and she needs to be able to use that same logic, because she agrees I made lewis, I transformed him into a bag and that's making. She just feels weird saying she made things out of things that already exist and I think because I have been an advocate for found object art for so long I barely see the distinction but I also understand her worry about being a liar. I made Lewis, I helped actualize his new form. And I loved being able to tell people that. 

The joust was fun. It was fun cheering even if we didn't sit in Keegan, my favorite jouster's, section. Sir William was funny and fun too. People in Keegan's section had signs and tshirts which was hilarious. Jess asked James if this is what watching sports is like, the excitement, and James was like. This is a sport, it's Maryland's state sport! 

The joust itself was short but the show was kind of long. I liked the new rider they had that was supposed to be Mongolian. We actually saw a handful of people dressed in Asian medieval wear. Which was awesome. I loved seeing that. We were talking about the PA Ren fair and comparing a lot today and this one for sure feels more real. Like more lived in and more like a village. The PA one feels more like a town with shops. Both are great but it's fun to compare and contrast. 

After the joust we would continue our walk. Going in and out of shops. Jess wanted to get he chair braided. Apparently she's always wanted to try that but it sounded like a nightmare to me. Keeping s tight braid. Paying for it?? No thank you. But she had talked about it and wanted to try it. When we first got to the fair we had checked in and there was a long wait so we would come back after the joust and only had to wait a few minutes. She brushed her hair out and then the girl did the crown braid. But it sort of stuck out on the side and I asked them to fix it and they did a which Jess said thanks for speaking up for her. And it was pretty but I think would have looked nicer with bangs or farther back? I liked the little flowers they put in it. She said she probably won't do it again but was glad she tried. But step for her! I think the pictures of her getting it done look really pretty so if nothing else there is that. 

Next was figuring out what to eat. This is always an ordeal and specifically then when it was legit lunch time.We decided based on a short line. And got a ride bowl for Jess and two egg rolls for me. Jess gave me some of the rice. James was trying to get our waters filled but we were struggling. I snapped at James a little and felt bad.i had walked us really far away with our food to try to find somewhere to sit and eat. Eventually fining some rocks next to a bush that were flat. Jess and me would eat while James continued to look for water. Eventually finding it at the first aid station. 

I apologized to James when they got back. Jess told me I was being unreasonable when I told her why I was upset and she was correct. I can't expect James to just fix everything. That's not a fair standard. But I was also just a little overheated and overwhelmed. Still no excuse. 

I felt better with some water. And it turned out we were standing next to a lady selling lemon sticks. So Jess bought me a lemon stick. Thank you Jess. James ran into a DND friend and that was cool. Was nice to see him. We would also run into Jessica Leibowitz and her friends later in the day. It was cool to see people we knew. 

I was struggling with how busy it was though. I would have liked to take more pictures but I was just a little overwhelmed by the amount of people so setting up my phone was to difficult. I tried my best to capture what I could.  And I was enjoying looking at stuff in the shops but I also felt like I was constantly in the way. That would be my biggest complain for today. Just to many people. But I still had fun.

Me and Jess were really getting tired though. So we found and open bench to people watch at, while James went to get their own lunch and bring us back a frozen lemonade. 

Me and Jess just talked and enjoyed people watching. Even if the sun was to hot. We were both struggling with that today and just being tired. I was having fun but I was frustrated with myself for having such low energy. 

James would get a little lost coming back. So in trying to find them we lost our bench. Thankfully found another quick and we sat while James inhaled their sandwich. We told them we weren't  in a rush but they felt like they were making us wait. Which was silly. We were both tired and sitting was not a problem. 

We would keep walking after that. To a few shops we had missed. To refill our waters at the first aid station. We decided to start walking to the exit. Checking out everything by the front we had missed. We got to try different honey, the mango flower was my favorite. And it was just a lot of fun. 

But the day was drawing to an end for us. We were beat. I was excited to take my shoes off in the car. 

We walked Jess to her car and I helped her get out of her dress so she didn't have to drive in a corset for 2 hours. And then we went to our car and took all of our stuff off too. I was very happy to take my leggings off. I felt a lot less hot. The day was surprisingly warm in the end.

We ended up driving behind Jess for a few miles. Only losing her when we stopped for gas. She would get home about an hour after us. Safe and sound but extremely tired and sore. 

Our drive was much shorter but I was very uncomfortable by the end and just desperately wanted to be home. 

When we got back here I found that baby mouse was sitting in the water tray I have for him in there (it's just a jam jar lid) freezing cold. I dried him up as best I could but he was squeaking every time I touched him. About an hour later was when I realized his legs were moving. I don't know what happened. If I did something or what but I feel horrible that he's hurting. He even bit me! To small to break the skin but clearly telling me he was in pain. I fed him and tried to keep him warm. But I am not sure he'll be here tomorrow and it breaks my heart. I just hate to think he's in pain right now. I hope he's at least comfortable in there right now. And he'll pass in his sleep. 

I have been resting since we got home. Getting up to take a shower was a struggle. I am just so tired. But at least I am clean now. I have been resting with James for a long time. They had gone out briefly to get milk at the store. But they are home and we are  getting ready to sleep. 

Tomorrow I hope to have a cozy morning and then my class at awah. I hope that one is fun. I hope it's a very good day. I hope you all have a great night. Send good vibes to baby mouse. That he is peaceful and pain free. I love you all. Goodnight 

[racke7]

So, I've been playing FF14 and not eating or sleeping, as you do.

(Like, night before monday? Didn't go to bed. Was playing FF14. Ended up falling asleep at like 11am, and waking up at 4pm. It usually takes a few hours for me to eat breakfast, so I didn't eat any... until 3am, when I got too tired to play FF14 and instead went to bed. Meaning that I didn't eat any food at all for like 30+ hours.)

Anyway. The details aren't super-important. What is important is that I had an exam today.

An exam that I hadn't studied for, because FF14. And I've barely slept or eaten properly for like... several weeks now.

But yesterday I was super-responsible and actually made dinner. I ate two whole meals. And then went to bed at midnight. Amazing.

Woke up at 6am unable to fall back asleep because my stomach was feeling weird and my back was trying to kill me.

Stomach mainly settled down once I got vertical, and my back wasn't... anything unusual, really. Just pain.

So I set everything up to do the exam, and-... And suddenly my stomach says toilet-time.

Probably my most stressful shit in years. Not helped by the dawning suspicion that I might be developing some level of lactose-intolerance.

Anyway. I start the exam and... it's a multi-choice thing that basically goes "do you have basic understanding of the fundamentals of this thing that you've been working with for weeks".

I could still flunk it, because lord knows that I've done some dumb shit before. But also? I was done literally within 15 minutes.

So. Obviously I should comfort my former stress-feelings by playing FF14.

[seafoamchild]

i can hear the crickets tonight. the air has cooled off a bit, finally. it's been so hot lately and we don't have air conditioning. i haven't spent that much time in the great outdoors this summer. and that is okay, because in previous summers i've been outside a lot and done a bunch of hiking. this summer i've just been working and going to shows and seeing friends and partying.

yesterday i went to another street festival in riverwest and it was so... riverwest. misfits, punk bands, tattoos, people with no shoes, reptiles, people with mismatched shoes on. i found a fabulous skin tight dress with a slit up the side and it was sparkly blue like the rainbow fish. i tried it on and it looked so good on me that a random lady came up to take a picture.

then i wore the dress out later that night to the wine bar where one glass of wine turned into three and then we went to the tiki bar which is always a terrible idea. as soon as we got there i saw so many men staring at me in my dress. i was drinking a lot and people kept buying me shots. this happens every time i go to that goddamn place. this one older dude (who was honestly kind of hot) was very into me and being very frank about wanting to have sex with me. drunk me of course loved the attention. i love to be a tease because it makes me feel powerful in that moment, i guess. i love flirting and making men want me and then disappearing. you can want me but you can't have me. it feels almost like playing a character. i see these men eyeing me up and thinking about sex. but they don't know anything about me. they don't know how funny i am or that my favorite color is yellow or that i can speak several languages or that i've traveled all around the world. and they don't get to know.

i was thinking about how much my relationship with luke sucked. he was so unkind to me. and i really think he resented me for being well-liked and fun to be around. he could not handle having a girlfriend who was funnier and far more magnetic than he could ever be. i truly think he was jealous and that he took it out on me by invalidating my feelings whenever i was down. like "oh everything is so easy for you and everyone likes you so you have no reason to be sad". but then he would show understanding to other people who were going through depression. so it was apparently just me who wasn't allowed to be depressed. and THEN after the infamous night at Chill on the Hill when i called him out for making the evening so fucking awkward and weird and it did NOT have to be that weird, he had the audacity to say to me "you don't get to tell me how to feel". bitch what? that boy has the emotional intelligence of a cinderblock. all in all he's a decent dude but fuck him for making me feel like i was too much. he just wasn't enough. not kind enough, not empathetic enough, not funny enough, and certainly not smart enough.

i have my shortcomings too. i think i have been really unnecessarily mean to men, especially since i broke up with luke. just leading them on and then disappearing. like i said, i relish the attention. but it's just so unnecessary to play with people's feelings like that. especially with austin. i really tormented that dude. or elliott. i straight up ghosted him.

and i need to address my issues with drinking and doing drugs. i have really poor impulse control. and i've been so messy. last night i was throwing up into trash bags next to my bed until 3am. it feels normal because a lot of my friends and coworkers are into partying really hard. but i'm starting to not really like how messy i become. i think alcohol is the main problem, actually. i think i can handle myself on drugs but when i mix them with alcohol that's when shit gets to be too much. i've even put off scheduling a therapy appointment because i don't want to talk about this but i know i need to.

[luckyshotwrites]

heya it’s Riddle Anon/Anon Hearts here. And well I wanted to say thank you. It’s a bit out of nowhere, but ummm I’ve been having trouble with sleep for the last couple weeks and today I woke up like really bad. And I tried just looking through things so I could relax, and I ended up looking at your pizzeria story. And while there were times where I genuinely felt a bit like Lyn I really enjoyed it. I think I’ve been reading it for like an hour and a half now at the first part of Day 13 right now.

I know it’s kinda random and all, but ummm really thank you. It helped me relax a bit and took my mind off of my bad sleeping schedule. I remember even considering trying to imagine who’d I’d want to meet and maybe see what happen in an rp cause I tend to rp a lot with friends or just in my head. In all honesty though I’m rambling a bit but thank you. I know ummm this is out of the blue and it feels a bit kinda stupid and stuff but ummm I appreciate you taking the time to make your story and keep up with it. Even if it sometimes drains you motivation. I hope you can keep going with it. Even if I’m not caught up.

Heh… ummm I’m gonna go back to reading now I kinda feel way too embarrassed and nervous now. And sorry if this is here while you’re asleep I kinda woke up at my 3am and as I said before sleep has been a big issue for me recently… so going back to sleep was quite literally out of the question. Ummm I hope your day goes well and that everything is ok! And that you’re healing well from yesterday.

YO, Riddle Anon! I actually know the feeling. I went to bed a little after midnight and I still woke up at 4 a.m. Mostly because it's hard to sleep with the bruise right now but I've had some sleep issues as of late. I'm on central time so it's 6 a.m. right now, I was already awake. >:D (This is pretty long so for convenience, here's the read more).

Regardless, like-hearing that my story actually could help someone out, squeezes my heart with joy. I wish I could describe it but that's been my dream with writing every since I was little. I have so many stories and ideas roaming around in my head, I think they're great but executing them is the hard part so I never pushed myself to do it until Widfali.

And my biggest dream with writing was that my stories could help people as others fantasy stories growing up had helped me. SO, it's honestly one of the best compliments I can receive. I am so happy and grateful that Widfali could do that for anyone. You have no idea how absolutely sweet it is to read that. Also I'm worried for your sleep schedule. If possible you gotta get some good Z's, please!

AND THANK YOU for taking the time to read what I wrote! Anyone who does deserves all the thank you's as well, readers are my biggest motivation! Without any of you I don't know how well I would have continued.

I hope you keep enjoying it!

Thank you for the askaroni! If there was a market for tears, I would be rolling in dough right now. Because I cry so easily over compliments, I SWEAR I've gotten them throughout my life, I'm not starved. I don't think. But, it warms my heart so much, the same as knowing you peeps SUCCEED TO!

YOU BETTER HAVE AN AWESOME REST OF YOUR DAY, RIDDLE ANON! (NONNEGOTIABLE). Get a nap or two if possible too!

P.s. it's been a long wallop since I rp'ed. Now to get that fix I do DnD with a couple of peeps. xD I can't imagine trying to roleplay these characters. Especially certain ones...cough, cough, LEV, cough, cough. I'd die.

[z-h-i-e]

I finally managed to log into Chewy and memorialize all the pets yesterday.

And yes, all is accurate — all of the pets we had when 2024 began are no longer with us. If we go back a smidge to 2023 that includes Aredhel as well. This post has a happy ending of sorts, but it definitely starts rough.

Princess Paige was a sweet little bean — she was born blind and abandoned at the humane society at age 7. We adopted her six months after Trotter passed—because she looked a lot like him (we’ll get back to that).

We only had her for 18 months. It turned out she had kidney failure, but by the time that was recognized (it was misdiagnosed as allergies for many many months), we only had a few weeks left with her. We set up home hospice and made it the best final weeks we could.

At the same time, the grand queen, Oreo, had some sort of something occur. Oreo was already 20 nearing 21, and when she was 18 had an absolute fit about the vet to the point the vet declined to draw blood because she was just too angry, plus her age.

She was an eating champ up until the end. She actually bounced back for a couple of months and outlived Paige by five weeks. She had the most peaceful death of anyone I have ever known. I went out to pick up a rotisserie chicken for her, couldn’t find one, stopped home to check in before driving out further, and while talking to Smaug, realized she had passed away in her sleep while lying right next to him while he was reading. Just drifted off.

This upset Felix a little. He used to ride around on her back. Both were in their 20s; they were the last two pets that went back to our apartment dwelling days.

The next day, General Patters — who was very close to Paige, but never seemed close to Oreo — was not going to let us take her remains for cremation. He stood over her with a very determined and angry look (and Patters never got angry). Patters was 14, and while he’d been treated for a thyroid condition for several years, was otherwise doing quite well.

I spent the summer immersed in research about the silmarils to write the paper I presented at Oxonmoot. Both Patters and Felix kept me company. Also, an outdoor cat had brought her kittens into our yard not long after Oreo passed, and following cat conversation through the door between herself and Patters. Patters began to insist on outside time, where I would take him out and hold him while he watched the kittens playing. (Patters was himself a stray cat for a number of years.)

Near the end of September, he suddenly dropped weight and didn’t want to eat; we rushed him to the vet. Blood was drawn, though the vet was not hopeful, as she discovered a huge lump on his thyroid. The next morning I could tell he was still not well. He wanted to be held, and died in my arms that afternoon.

Two days later, I came home to find Felix on the bottom of his cage. He had suffered a stroke. He had had seizures over the past few years, but the vet had told me that for a lovebird of his years, he was doing quite remarkable (he was born in April of 2000). I nursed him in a special ‘hospital cage’ beside my bed for a little over a week. He showed improvement; two days before he passed, we watched Judge Judy together, and he made some artwork. He had a subsequent stroke late the next evening. I sat up with him until 3am, when we both tried for sleep; he woke me four hours later, and I can’t share the details even now because it’s quite painful to have a pet who can communicate and to know and understand and to try to comfort them when they also know and understand what’s happening on a level different from cats and dogs. I don’t think I can ever again own a pet that can communicate with words we both understand. He was an absolute joy, and it’s of importance to know that when I adopted him (and his mate, Oscar, who passed way some six years ago), it was because he chose me — by flying out of his cage and perching on my shoulder, and that was where he often was when I was at home (unless he was riding Oreo around).

We also lost the photogenic neighborhood cat, Cthulhu. Cthulhu was a stunning longhair cat who would take walks with neighbors, pose for photos, and was generally the mayor of the neighborhood. I spoke with Cthulhu’s owner once, who explained that Cthulhu was a cat who wanted to be out during the day to basically wander about and greet everyone. A jellicle in every sense. I don’t know the details, but Cthulhu had a very adventurous life.

So where is the happy in all this?

We went from having the oldest group of pets we’ve had (two 20+ year old pets at the same time seemed remarkable, with one nearly making it to 25), to the youngest group of pets.

But for the loss of the others we would not have gained three baby animals.

This is Priscilla Licoricewhiskers, a 4H bunny who was too tiny to be shown. She couldn’t be kept with the other buns because they ganged up on her. She is getting to live her best life as a spoiled rabbit. (Potty training is still a bit work in progress.)

And this is Pollux…

…and Castor. (I can’t get photos of them out of the enclosure yet because they are into running up and down the stairs). Our vet’s office assistant called us a few days after Patters passed away—in fact, his remains were still there awaiting cremation when she called us. Someone arrived with four abandoned kittens, three weeks only, but they only wanted to keep two, and the no kill shelters were all beyond capacity. We brought them home to foster them (but we all know what happened next). And now they live here rent free, as cats do.

So yesterday I finally went through and memorialized pet accounts because I got a bunch of cyber Monday messages with ‘great deals’ for pets who don’t have use of all the things being offered.

And today, I am trying to figure out where the hell I left off on fanfiction because with the exception of a couple S&D things I have done nothing for six months with fanfic.

[elizabethplaid]

mid-day notes - oct 5, 2024

I can't explain why, but I'm really wound up today. I got a couple 2-hour bits of sleep, but I've woken up suddenly both times. I don't really know what happened. I was sitting up, hugging my legs to my chest, nodding off again and almost falling back onto the bed. (Not far to go, but it's still weird when you're disoriented.)

I closed my window yesterday, expecting today's rain. I woke up in a cold sweat after the 2nd bit of sleep, but I'm not sure what factored into that.

Oh, I need to take my nose spray. I coughed wrong earlier and stuff went down the wrong pipe. I grabbed a popsicle to soothe my throat. Sinus stuff is worse today, due to the rain (atmospheric pressure on my sinuses).

Did reading my old counseling notes affect me badly? It was stuff from 2018-2019, including notes for my stories. Depression was kinda bad then, and I was vaguely discussing those "3am feelings". Consciously, I feel very distant from those thoughts. And I was already tense even before reading that stuff.

On one page, I was asking rhetorically "what does it mean to heal from trauma?". I could feel that desperation again, how distraught I was 5+ years ago. I'm struggling with self-care again, so maybe my sub-conscious felt it more than my surface-level awareness.

I've already negotiated with myself that any self-care that I can't do before my doc appointment, let it happen; we're going regardless. It's all signs I'm not doing well, so it's okay to be honest and say "yeah, this is how bad it's getting again". And if I don't want part of my body examined, I can speak up.

I mean, medical professionals deal with all sorts of gross body conditions. That's why people seek their help. I think I'm also old enough to feel a lot less ashamed. Fantastic progress, indeed.

I wish I was feeling well enough to make big plans for my birthday. I know I can do things later, but it's a little more thrilling when it's near my actual birthday. In my heart, I'm so excited, so thrilled to be alive and have grown so much. I'm very proud of myself.

I wish I could give hope to that me from 5+ years ago. My pain was so palpable in my writing. I'm still in pain now, but it's somewhat differently sourced. More related to regressing from my accomplishments (eg volunteering). Most importantly, it's off-set with my pride and the love and support of my friends and family. I have a strength now that I had been so desperate for over the years.

Idk if I'll be able to sleep again soon. You'd think I'd be better able to sleep with the rain and all, too. Mental health stuff is so tough when you don't have the language to describe things, to understand things.

[theboardwalkbody]

Blah venting under cut

I am in such a bad mood. Like easily upset and frustrated and angry. Overanalyzing every word and action is giving me anxiety. All of my perceptions of those words and actions are making me sad and/or angry. And it's frustrating because I may be perceiving the words and actions incorrectly due to overanalyzing them and actively looking for a problem. And I am also angry at myself for doing this and not being able to stop.

Note: I haven't eaten since 6/630 yesterday and it was four slices of buttered toast and for lunch yesterday I had 75% of a soggy and cold grilled cheese and half a plate of cold and congealed disco fries. I went to bed at 3am so hungry I felt sick. I have been up since 830am. It is currently 6 minutes to 2pm. Plus I actually feel sick (head congestion, feeling warm, bad taste in my mouth). I've had 4 sips of water (generous estimation).

I would probably feel at least 50% better and more functional if I, oh I don't know, fucking ate and drank something.

[annieintheaair]

It’s 7am. I’ve been awake since 3am, tossing and turning, listening to ocean sounds, hoping to calm me and put me back to sleep. No luck.

Around 5am, after laying in bed for two hours not sleeping, a purple orb appeared in my bedroom. Of course, I had to google it. What did it all mean? Well, I read about it here. To say I’ve been freaking out is an understatement. I lost all hope of falling back asleep after that. How appropriate that hours after writing here about feeling alone, a purple orb would show up to remind me that I’m not alone. What other messages did they come to share? Was it a message about forgiveness? Healing? I’m not entirely sure but I tried my best not to be scared and try to understand that it was supposed to be a comfort.

Last night I conquered one of my biggest fears— driving in the rain. It was a monsoon outside. I swear the rain came down even harder just as I was about to leave my house. I almost accepted the late cancel fee just so I wouldn’t have to drive. I prayed the entire way. It was so hard to see with the rain just pouring buckets. It reminded me of the night back in June when I drove through the rain and flooded and totaled my dream car. I still have PTSD from that day.

I wish I could say that the drive to yoga was worth it but instead I spent the whole class losing my balance, completely unfocused, and trying not to throw up. I almost walked out 15 minutes into class because I wasn’t sure if I could make it. By the end of class, as I’m usually dreading it coming to an end, not wanting to get up from shavasana, instead I was trying to resist the urge to check my watch to see when it would be over. I couldn’t wait to get home.

All day yesterday, I tried to put shows and movies on. Two days in a row, I can’t even tell you what I tried to watch because my attention was completely gone. Instead, I clocked more hours yesterday at my part-time job than I’ve ever clocked there before. I spent my entire day pouring myself into emails, helping customers, trying to do damage control to solve all of their problems, and preparing a report for the meeting that I have to lead every Tuesday.

By 3pm yesterday, I still hadn’t eaten a single thing. My stomach hurt and I was hungry but felt like eating anything would make me feel worse. Instead, I poured myself a mug of beef broth and sipped on it while I worked.

I wish I could rewind time; turn the clock back; find a time machine. I don’t even need to go back that far, just a few days so I could redo everything, make different decisions, and fix my mistakes. Maybe I’d be sleeping better, eating, and not feeling so sick. Maybe I wouldn’t be thinking about the Home Chef order that will probably go to waste this week because I can’t eat it.

Dogs always know when you’re sad. When I woke up at 3am, both of my dogs were cuddled up close next to me. I reached over to pet them and they both gave me kisses. We seriously do not deserve dogs.

At this point, going back to sleep probably won’t happen. Maybe I can get myself asleep for an afternoon nap later before work but I’m not counting on it. Coffee would be nice today if I could actually drink it.

Oh, 2024, I’m already disappointed.

xoxo

Annie

*After I wrote this, I actually did end up falling asleep for a short period of time. I had a weird but comforting dream. For a while, I felt like I could still feel Dan around after he passed but then it felt like he went away once he knew I was okay and moving on. After seeing the purple orb this morning, in my dream, which felt so real, he showed up. No words were spoken. He walked up to me and gave me a hug as I cried. It felt like the ultimate goodbye. When the dream continued on without him, I felt a weird sense of comfort, like it was all suddenly ok.*