#i actually wanna do a analysis about this but i don’t know how to word it more then my essays about ryoma | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

catslvrr · 1 year ago

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one too many years

kim minji x fem!reader | one shot

Synopsis: Minji comes back into your life after 3 years and asks you to take her on a drive, for old time’s sake. There’s a lot of feelings involved.

Contains: cursing

Playlist

You were fourteen when you first met Minji.

It wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. You had seen her around, since you practically shared all the same classes, but never had the chance to interact one-on-one. She was merely a passing thought — that pretty girl who sat in the top ranks alongside you.

It was when the two of you had been paired up for a science project — something about a presentation on the digestive system, that you finally got to know each other. But not necessarily in a good way. You didn’t leave the best first impression after the first conversation.

You weren’t a hardworking person. But you weren’t stupid either. Growing up, you were used to being one of the smartest in the room. Teachers would always praise you for being naturally intelligent and academically gifted. You would do the bare minimum, leaving everything to the last minute, and yet always somehow end up with almost perfect scores.

You grew complacent, cruising through school with no worries in the world. So when you first started working with Minji, and she rambled on about meetups and splitting tasks and deadlines, you couldn’t help but internally scoff.

Minji pulled you out of your thoughts with a tap on the arm. “Are you even listening to me?”

“Huh?” You reflexively closed the MonkeyType tab.

“I asked what parts you wanted to cover,” she narrowed her eyes at you.

“Oh,” you waved dismissively. “Just give me what you don’t wanna do, and I’ll send you the stuff the day before it’s due.”

“What?” Minji scowled. “That’s way too late. I won’t even have time to proofread it and make the presentation pretty.”

“Two days?” You suggested with a half-smile.

She ran her fingers through her hair as she let out a sigh. “Three.”

“Okay, boss!” You grinned, opening up MonkeyType again and aggressively typing away, trying to beat your WPM record. “Done deal.”

Minji stared at you for a few seconds longer before huffing and turning to her laptop, starting her research.

(The two of you passed with flying colors, to no one’s surprise (except Minji’s), and that was when any grudges that Minji held against you flew out the window. Because if there was one thing Minji cared about, it was her grades.)

And that was how the two of you officially forged your friendship — Minji would always force you to be partners for any collaborative projects that came up, and you didn’t have anyone else to partner up with anyway.

You slumped back in your chair and balanced yourself on its hind legs, looking around the room in boredom. Everyone else seemed to be actually doing their work. Something about researching a famous author.

“Hey,” you bumped Minji’s knee with yours under the table.

She ignored you for a few minutes until she couldn’t stand the constant nudging. She stomped her foot on yours.

“Fuck!”

“What do you want?” She hissed under her breath.

“What’re you doing?” You leaned towards her, obnoxiously peering over her shoulder to scan the document she had opened. It was a bunch of gibberish, to you anyway, but it had a nice color coding system at least.

“Researching Sylvia Plath,” she muttered. “Something that you should also be doing right now.”

“You know I’ll get it done,” you smiled cheekily, casually draping your arm on her chair.

Minji chose not to reply. You watched her type up an analysis of one of Plath’s texts, trying to ignore the throbbing pain in your foot.

“…Have you ever tested your words per minute?”

She gave you a side-eye. “What’s that?”

You bit back a smile. You knew how competitive she was. “It’s just a measure of how fast you can type. Think the average is around 80 or something.”

You could practically see her ears perk up at the word ‘average’.

“Is that what you do every lesson?”

“Most of the time. Or I’m playing Octagon.”

“Am I meant to know what Octagon is?”

“I’ll introduce it to you next time.” You shifted Minji’s chair closer to yours and dragged your laptop to her. “Here, try it out. You just have to type the words on the screen for 15 seconds straight. The words are random.”

“Is that it?” She furrowed her eyebrows.

You nodded. “You can type whenever. The timer starts as soon as you type.”

You watched as she began furiously typing, almost poking holes through the keys. Your eyes flitted around the room, checking to see if anyone noticed Minji assaulting her keyboard.

“Damn,” you whistled as the final score showed up. “Not bad.”

“100 and it’s my first time,” Minji proudly beamed and cracked her knuckles. “I’m above average.”

“Alright, relax,” you laughed softly. “Don’t get too ahead of yourself, hotshot.”

“What’s your record?” She eyed you suspiciously.

You tried to hide your smirk as you shrugged nonchalantly. “Oh, nothing much. Just a measly 160.”

“What?” Her face dropped. “No way.”

“Yes way,” you nodded smugly. You successfully set the bait, now all you needed to do is reel it in. “There’s actually a website where we can ‘race’ against each other.”

Minji opened a new tab and swiveled her laptop in your direction, a doubtful look on her face. You smiled victoriously as you clicked your way to TypeRacer. Caught her.

The two of you spent the rest of the lesson racing against each other, Minji grumbling every time she lost (which was every round).

It was something else — watching Minji slowly unravel and open up to you. When you were expecting her to start homework early in class, she would ask you to get on TypeRacer instead. The two of you spent time playing other games too: Lavaboy and Watergirl, Tetris, Cool Math Games, and Octagon, of course.

Unfortunately, you still had to do work. There was an unspoken compromise that you could only get her to play games after you had finished the assigned work, so you actually ended up not procrastinating and finishing everything early for once (and in record time, too).

Becoming friends with Minji was easy. Seeing each other every day, you naturally grew closer and talked about everything under the sun. And eventually the two of you became inseparable. The two of you became known to be attached to the hip, never one without the other. You were proud of this, proud to be associated with such a good person, and you hoped Minji felt the same.

(Internally, you were surprised that Minji would choose to continue being friends with you outside of classes. There were better classmates out there. Regardless, you were grateful for the opportunity.)

You grew up together. You were there when she broke down in the bathroom after her speech on climate change because she thought she bombed it (she didn’t). You were there when she discovered the Harvard Reference Generator for the first time (she had written bibliographies by hand before this, which was absolutely mind-boggling to you).

Likewise, she was there when you were panicking at 5am because you hadn’t finished your history research paper on the Indo-China war that was due in two hours. She was there when you accidentally fell asleep in the library and almost missed the next class.

There was no better person to call a best friend. So it wasn’t much of a surprise that falling in love with Minji was even easier. There was no dramatic realization, no lightbulb moment where you suddenly stopped in your tracks and felt the world flip on your head as you thought Fuck, I like Minji.

It was quieter, creeping up on you, as if it was always there. As if it had already been written in fate. You do remember the first time you consciously admitted it though, cementing it in your heart.

Both of you were 15 by then. It was a languid Tuesday afternoon, and you were doodling random shapes as the teacher droned on about erosion and longshore drift. You lazily smiled as you observed Minji — the sharp slope of her nose, the crinkle in between her eyebrows, her tongue slightly poking out as she diligently wrote down notes.

Feeling your gaze on her, Minji turned to you and quirked her eyebrow, nudging you as she wrote ‘What are you staring at?’ on the margin of her notes. You shrugged innocently and looked away with a smile and burning ears.

She’s pretty, you thought. I like her.

Young love — it was naive and innocent. You would do stupid things to get Minji’s attention, like leaving your collar messy or ruffling your hair just so she would fix it. You remember making playlists with her in mind so you could zone out and daydream about her. You cherished these moments. You weren’t one to want, but you wanted Minji.

To you, Minji was the highlight of your high school experience. From sharing Airpods in class and queuing airhorn sounds to watch her jump in her seat when it blasted out of nowhere, to inviting yourself to her Google documents so that you could change the font to be unreadable and the color to a blinding neon pink, to receiving her Airdrops of cute puppy photos, to accidentally downloading viruses from trying to watch anime on illegal streaming websites, to taking Photobooth pictures of each other sleeping.

And this was enough for you. Habits were hard to break, and your longstanding tendency of procrastinating didn’t appear out of nowhere. It was rooted deeply in the fear of failure — you were so used to being good at everything on your first try, or without having to try at all, that you were scared that if you did try, and failed, people’s perception of you would change.

So procrastination was a way for you to control this fear; it provided a scapegoat, for if you ever failed, you could blame it on a lack of time rather than your own shortcomings.

This fear translated to your feelings for Minji too. You had never liked anyone else before, and you were terrified of failure, the unknown possibilities that came with confessing. You would rather swallow down your feelings and bury them deep within your chest than have to face rejection and lose your best friend.

(And it wasn’t like you thought you had a chance either. She had always been the smarter one, the kinder one, the more responsible one out of the two of you.)

And so you let the feelings fester in silence, all the way up to graduation. It wasn’t easy to hide your feelings, but it wasn’t hard either. You resorted to teasing Minji like you always did, and seeing her happy was enough. She stayed focused on her studies and continued to excel in all her classes.

Your job was just to be there for her, to be the one to help her relax and find respite from studying.

You were both 18 when you graduated high school. Minji was going away for university, somewhere far away where you couldn’t follow. You weren’t shocked — you always knew Minji was greater than this place. That’s how it always was in your head: she would go on to find success while you stayed behind in the shadows, cheering her on.

You had a plethora of things to thank Minji for. She never let you fall behind. Even if her kicks on your shin left bruises, at least it got you to stop playing Minecraft on your laptop and attempt to be productive.

It was embarrassing to admit that one of your biggest motivations to study and try was to be considered worthy as Minji’s friend. Not that you would admit it to anyone. You made it to graduation, and that’s what mattered.

You never liked saying goodbye to Minji, but you knew she would do well wherever she went. This goodbye wasn’t like the others, where you knew you could go to sleep with the promise that the two of you would meet at the school gates the next day.

It was more definitive.

You let out a long exhale as you leaned against the school gate, waiting for Minji to finish speaking to teachers, friends, and family who were congratulating her.

You watched as students filed out, chatting animatedly and taking photos together. You probably weren’t going to remember any of them. You plopped a lollipop in your mouth. It was strawberry-flavored, just how Minji liked it.

You smiled as you saw Minji coming out.

“Hey, Miss Popular,” you teased. “Done greeting all your fans?”

She rolled her eyes. “Are we going to get ice cream?”

“Yeah,” you pushed yourself off the gate and started walking to your car. “I thought that ceremony was never going to end. Tell me why every speaker kept yapping on and on.”

“Right,” she groaned. “I was trying my hardest not to fall asleep.”

The two of you walked in silence for a while before Minji broke it. “How do you feel?”

“I don’t know,” you shrugged. “The same, I guess. How about you?”

“Scared,” she admitted. “University seems like such a big change.”

“Yeah,” you said. You had been trying not to think about it. “You’ll be leaving in a few weeks, right?”

She bit her lip as she nodded. You both got in the car.

“Have you packed?”

“I’m about halfway done. It’s harder than I thought,” she complained sulkily. “I want to take everything with me.”

“Does everything include me?” You asked cheekily as you started the car, passing Minji your phone to pick a song.

“Absolutely not,” she deadpanned. “You would be the last thing I’d bring.”

“Liar. I’m way better than whoever you’re getting as a roommate.”

“Are we talking about the same person? I’ve literally seen the state of your room… it’s like a landfill in there.”

“No it’s not,” you said defensively. “It may be a little messy, but everything has its own place. It’s organized in its own way.”

“Sure,” she chuckled. “You keep telling yourself that.”

You pulled up to the place. You took a while to parallel park (Minji laughing at you while recording didn’t help), but you got it eventually. It was a quaint little store, and the two of you were regulars. You both got hooked after discovering this place when you got lost trying to find where you parked for a shopping trip.

You smiled when you heard the familiar chiming of the bell as you opened the door, the air-conditioning hitting you in the face. You chucked your lollipop stick in the bin. The store owner, a middle-aged woman from the area, looked up and waved in recognition.

She was sweet, sometimes giving you both an extra scoop or toppings if you showed her good test results (which was all the time). The only issue you had with her was that she kept trying to set Minji up with her son who was almost graduating from university.

“The usual?” She asked, already preparing your cups.

“Yes, please,” Minji answered with a polite smile.

You both sat down after collecting the ice cream with thank you’s and the payment (this one was on you). Minji would always get the cheesecake flavor (which you never understood and adamantly refused to try), while you would settle for the classic chocolate. Sometimes, if you felt adventurous, you would ask for pistachio.

“It’s hard to believe that this might be the last time I eat here for a while,” Minji said.

“I know,” you pouted. “The poor store is gonna lose so much money now that you’re gone.”

You winced as she kicked you under the table. You mentally noted to get your shin x-rayed at some point.

“You're so annoying,” she grunted. “Can’t you be sentimental for once?”

You were sentimental. Especially when it came to Minji. You just weren’t the type to show it. That was one of the differences between the two of you — Minji was straightforward and self-assured, never having trouble voicing her feelings. You, on the other hand, preferred to mask your emotions with humor and deflections, saying a lot without really saying much.

You liked that about Minji. It was definitely jarring when you were first getting to know each other, but you learned to appreciate her bluntness and honesty. It meant you didn’t have to overthink as much.

“I am sentimental!”

“You literally gave me a card that just said ‘HBD’ on it for my birthday. Actually, it wasn’t even a card! It was a post-it note.”

“That is sentimental…”

Minji glared at you.

“Okay,” you huffed, folding your arms. “Maybe it’s not. But it’s the thought that counts.”

“If you’re so thoughtful,” she tilted her head. “You wouldn’t mind helping me clean and pack, right?”

“…Fine.”

You regret not getting a parting gift for Minji when she left. Her departure was bittersweet, like all departures tend to be, with tearful promises to keep in touch. You never ended up confessing, and so you tucked away your feelings in the locked box that held all of your memories with Minji — the one you kept hidden in your closet, filled with birthday letters from her, polaroids, receipts and other miscellaneous collectibles from your time spent together.

The hardest part was watching her cry as she said goodbye, both to her family and friends. She had always been more of the crier between the two of you. You remember her pulling you in for a hug, her arms wrapped tightly around you as her tears stained your hoodie.

“I’ll miss you,” she sniffled. “Keep in touch, okay?”

“I’ll miss you too,” you mumbled, barely audible over the chatter in the crowded airport. “You’ll do great, just like you always do.”

She pulled back with a sad smile. “Thank you, Y/n. I’ll try to come back soon.”

“I’ll be waiting.”

You held back your tears on the drive home, only allowing yourself to cry when you reached the comfort of your bed.

You weren’t one to welcome change. You enjoyed the stability that routine brought. Minji leaving was a change that left a gaping hole nothing could fill. You always preferred solitude, but the loneliness that was gnawing at you because of Minji’s absence was hard to adapt to.

‘Keeping in touch’ never really works out the way you want it to. The first few months were fine, the two of you consistently Facetiming and texting as you both settled into uni life. Then as months went by, texts were less frequent, especially during exam season.

By the time you were both 20, communication was sparse between the two of you. The two of you were never avid texters anyway. You did chat from time to time, making small talk, or talking when there was something to talk about, like birthdays or a memory popping up on Snapchat.

Small talk with her wasn’t really small talk though. You savored every conversation, clinging onto past memories and what she made you feel.

It wasn’t really the same. Both of you knew this. You never held it against Minji, though. Watching her Instagram stories with her new friends and posts of her adventures brought you happiness. You hoped she was happy too.

But on the melancholic nights when you went out on drives to ease the emptiness, coasting through the sleeping streets with nothing but the moon to guide the way, you felt Minji’s ghost in the passenger seat. And if you tried hard enough, you could almost feel her presence, imagine her soft laughter.

You would always wonder if she was also thinking of you when she lay in bed at night, when she opened up a new document, or when she went and ate ice cream with her friends.

When the ache in your chest was too much to bear, you would roll down the window, find solace in the wind blowing against your face, and turn up the volume of your playlist to drown out your own thoughts. You felt silly for yearning for someone who was miles away now, both literally and metaphorically.

You were 21 when you met Minji again. It was the end of the year, so anyone who left was finding their way back home for the Christmas break. You knew she was coming back, you saw the stories of her packing and the pre-flight pictures.

This was the first time she was coming back — she couldn’t make it the previous three years. You didn’t know why, because you didn’t ask. You didn’t know if you still had a place to ask.

She texted you and asked to hang out. It didn’t really come to fruition until one unsuspecting Friday night. You were playing a parkour map on Minecraft when you received a call notification from her. You almost dropped your phone when you saw it.

“Hello?”

“Y/n, hey.”

You wiped the sweat off your palms. It had been a while since you last heard her voice.

“Did you need something? It’s almost midnight…”

You heard her scoff over the phone. “Don’t act like you go to sleep early.”

“I’m not! It’s just, you know, pretty random for you to call out of nowhere. Especially at this time.”

There was a short pause. You set your phone on your lap as you continued to make your way through the parkour map, distinctly tasting the strawberry flavor of the lollipop more now, for some reason. You knew why.

“Are you seriously playing Minecraft right now?”

You stopped. “…Maybe. How'd you know?”

“I can hear you smashing the space button,” she laughed, sounding almost fond. “You haven’t changed a bit.”

You cleared your throat to fight the embarrassment. “Anyways. What’s up?”

“Oh, right. I know it sounds crazy, but do you wanna go on a drive?”

“Right now?”

“Yeah. For old time’s sake, you know. And I miss you.”

“Um,” you got off your bed and opened your closet. “Sure.”

“You’re driving by the way.”

You rolled your eyes. “Thanks for letting me offer.”

You grabbed a familiar hoodie. It was Minji’s. You remembered Minji stealing your hoodie, and giving one of hers to you as a peace offering. You both agreed that the swapped hoodies were a better fit for each other. You decided to wear another one.

“I’ll pick you up in 15?”

“See you soon!”

“Wow,” Minji said as you pulled up in her driveway. “New car?”

She was still so pretty. You temporarily discarded the lollipop stick in the cup holder before popping your head out of the window. “Get in, loser.”

“I kinda miss your old one,” she clicked her seatbelt in as you started to reverse out.

“You sure about that?” You asked incredulously. “The air conditioning didn’t work half of the time. And the window on your side couldn’t fully roll down.”

Minji shrugged. “Still held a lot of memories.”

You both smiled as you reflected on the many nights spent in the old junk: belting your hearts out on highways, feasting on fast food in empty parking lots, sitting on the hood at lookouts that flaunted the city’s charms. You put on your playlist that you always had on loop whenever you thought about her.

“Speaking of memories,” she continued. “I see you still have this little guy.”

She poked the bobblehead of a monkey wearing sunglasses. It bobbled. She bought it on a whim at one of those quirky souvenir stores because the two of you were both born in the year of the monkey. Little Guy had been here for a while, since your old car.

“New car felt pretty empty,” you said. “I couldn’t live with the guilt of throwing him out.”

What you didn’t say: I have a bad habit of hoarding anything that reminds me of you.

“That’s good to hear,” she grinned, reaching into her pocket. “Because I bought him a friend!”

You glanced at Minji in amusement while the light was still red. She carefully placed the new bobblehead next to Little Guy. It was another monkey one, slightly taller than the original, and it was posing with a peace sign.

“Where’d you find that?”

“Pure coincidence,” she explained. “I was out shopping with my friends one day and I saw it. I knew I had to get it.”

You tried to focus on the road as thoughts began racing through your head. She still thought about you. That was good to know.

“Thanks.”

You bit your lip as there was another lull in the conversation. There would always be so much to say back then.

“I can't believe it’s been three years,” is what you settled for.

“Yeah,” Minji’s eyes softened. “It has.”

You tightened your grip around the gear stick. “How are things over there?”

“Really good,” she answered. “Besides university. That’s always a pain in the ass, no matter where you are.”

“That’s good to hear,” you said. And you truly meant it.

“I get homesick a lot, though,” she confessed. “I miss the food, my room, everything. You should visit one day.”

“Maybe,” you pursed your lips. “I’m super broke after buying the new car, though.”

“Do you still do the tutoring thing?”

“Yeah. It’s relatively easy and brings the money in.”

“I still can't believe you willingly tutor math.”

“And I still can't believe you don’t tutor. You’re so much smarter than me.”

“That’s not true,” she frowned. “But, I’m glad you bought the new car. So I don’t have to drive.”

You sighed in mock frustration. “Three years and you’re still a passenger princess.”

She only laughed in response. “Enough about me. How have you been?”

“I’ve been good. Just living life.”

Heat washed over you as you felt Minji’s intent gaze on you. There was always something so compelling about her, the fact that she could disarm you easily and make you feel unguarded.

“Uni sucks,” you continued hesitantly. “I’m still procrastinating. And playing Minecraft during my lectures.”

“I was wrong,” she said with a hint of a smile. “You’ve changed.”

You furrowed your eyebrows. “I have?”

She tilted her head slightly, still studying you. “You seem more… withdrawn. And grown-up. Weary, even.”

“I’m the same as I always was,” you said, but you weren’t too sure who you were trying to convince. Maybe spending all this time alone along with the inevitability of growing up did change you.

“I’m still amazing at typing. None of my friends have beat my record yet.”

“Of course you still brag about that,” Minji rolled her eyes.

She turned to face the window again, watching the scenery that rushed past.

“But, my point still stands. You have changed. Since when was I the one to lead the conversation?” She asked playfully, but you knew there was some truth behind it.

Younger you would jump at the opportunity to hang out with Minji and talk her ears off. When the two of you started to grow apart due to the long distance, you subconsciously stopped initiating conversation. You just wanted to quell your feelings and move on as soon as possible. It worked, for the most part, you think.

Until tonight, that is. Seeing her again after all these years fostered emotions you weren’t sure you wanted to face. You’d never tell Minji any of this, though.

“You’ve changed too,” you said. “You look older. Hag.”

“Rude,” she scoffed and pinched your hand on the gear stick.

“I’m joking,” you continued with a faint tug on your lips. “You carry yourself lighter now. But you still have that maturity about you.”

She leaned back in satisfaction at your response, humming in acknowledgement.

“By the way, did you have a destination in mind?” You blurted out. “Cause I’m just driving mindlessly, if that’s okay with you.”

“That’s fine,” she murmured, her gaze lingering on you. She could always read you like a book. You hoped that these years changed that. She could probably feel the nervousness and awkwardness radiating off you.

You welcomed the silence as you tapped on the steering wheel to the rhythm of the current song, processing what was happening. Minji was here, in the car, with you now. Just like how it used to be. A different car now, though. And a different her. A different you, too. You had missed her so much, but now that she was here, you didn’t know how to feel or what to say.

You took a last-minute turn, deciding to drive on a path that you knew all too well, one you could practically drive with your eyes closed.

(Pass by the park where you would force Minji to push you on the swing. Keep driving straight until you reach that one flickering street lamp, then turn right. Continue driving, cross three roundabouts, then turn left on the fourth, driving onto a rocky road.)

Minji smiled as she recognized the destination.

You parked the car and the both of you hopped out, feet on the gravelly surface. You had walked on this ground so many times now that it was basically ingrained into your feet. The two of you sat on the hood of your car. It was a bit chilly, but the hood was still warm from the engine.

Minji breathed out deeply. “This view never gets old.”

“No,” you murmured in agreement. “No, it doesn’t.”

“Did you still come here?” She turned to look at you. “When I was gone, I mean.”

“Sometimes.”

The two of you continued to take in the view, both lost in your own thoughts.

You always wished you could capture a moment in time, especially the moments with Minji: the light fluttering in your chest, the quiet intimacy you two shared. This moment was no different.

Nostalgia was a deceiving thing. You had dreamt of this moment so many times — meeting Minji again. That it would be like the polaroids you kept at home, give you peace of mind, provide you with some sort of comfort. It was silly of you to think that, too idyllic and quixotic. Maybe it was a good thing that you’re not as optimistic anymore.

You could barely contain your shock when the next words came out of Minji’s mouth.

“I loved you, you know.”

You swallowed down the hope that started to rise in your chest like water. You didn’t want to drown in the feelings you had suppressed long ago.

“I loved you too,” you said warily, slightly confused. “You were my best friend.”

The use of past tense left a bitter taste in your mouth. But you were afraid she had moved on, found new friends and found a home in them.

Minji smiled wryly. “I meant that romantically. As in more than best friends.”

You took in a sharp breath. You wanted to cry. All those years I spent wanting, you thought, and she loved me too.

“You loved me?” You whispered in disbelief, wringing your hands together.

There was an unreadable look on her face. “You say that like it’s hard.”

Isn’t it? You wanted to say. What could you possibly have loved? The tight squeeze on your chest was persistent, uncompromising to your pain.

“I loved you too,” you said quietly. You had always thought confessing would lift the weight off your shoulders, free your heart from the burden of hiding. You never felt more hopeless than in this moment, though. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“How could I?” Minji replied as she sagged her shoulders, her voice small. “I was so sure you only saw me as a friend. You were always teasing, so I didn’t know if you were seriously flirting or not. And you’re not the emotional type… I couldn’t tell how you felt about me.”

“I’m sorry,” you exhaled shakily. “You seemed so focused on your grades and your work, I thought I never stood a chance.”

“You don’t need to apologize. We were both stupid,” she shook her head with a chuckle. “I can’t believe teasing was your only way of showing affection. I think tonight’s the first time I’ve heard you say ‘I love you’.”

You never wanted to say it, because you felt guilty that it meant something else to you than it did to her (or you thought it did). You wanted to give your younger self a kick in the shin.

Minji’s eyes were glassy, shining with unhushed tears, and you wanted to reach out to her. Your hands were resting on the hood of the car, only centimeters apart. If you were brave enough, you would inch your finger closer, ever so slightly, to brush against hers.

But you were never courageous.

You felt like you were suddenly 14 again, staring at your laptop screen, staying up late to finish your Sylvia Plath research task, reading an excerpt from The Bell Jar. You had stared at the fig that held the possibility of you being Minji’s for so long, never daring to believe it, and watched it die. And the way your heart plummeted now was the fig dropping at your feet.

You tried to not let the quiver in your voice show. “Do you think things would be different now if one of us confessed back then?”

“Of course it would be,” Minji smiled ruefully. “But there’s no point in thinking about it too much. What’s done is done.”

She was right — what-ifs were a dangerous rabbit hole to find yourself in. You didn’t know which was more paralyzing: the fear of ‘what if Minji rejects me’ from back then, or the regret of ‘what if I had confessed’ now. It’s always so easy to berate yourself for making the wrong choice once you know the outcome.

Then, as an afterthought, she added, “I wonder how the younger versions of us would react to us now. I don't think they'd recognize us."

You laughed softly. “No, they wouldn't."

The two of you spent a few more minutes in silence.

“You’ll be leaving again in a few weeks, right?”

“Yeah,” she checked her phone, hopping off the hood. “We should head back. It’s almost 2am.”

There was so much left unsaid. But if you had learned one thing from tonight, it was that things were different now. This is how things were meant to end. Sometimes, things just don’t work out, and you just have to learn to live with it.

You should’ve realized how stuck you were in the past, your mind refusing to accept the fact that everything has changed. And that everything will continue to change.

There was a certain sense of freedom in the conversation on the way home, like the two of you knew that you wouldn’t get something like this again. You reminisced and laughed about the good old times, and you think that this was enough. This is what you needed.

Letting go can be a beautiful thing as much as it is painful. And love isn’t something you ever stop doing, or feeling, it’s always present in whatever fig you choose to grab, and it transforms into what it wills. You’ve chosen yours, and Minji’s chosen hers. You’ll always love her, just not how you used to.

“Thanks for the ride,” Minji clumsily pulled you in for a hug (it was a bit cramped because you were both in the car). “Take care of Little Guy and Big Guy.”

There weren’t any promises to keep in touch this time, and that was okay. If you were to ever see each other again, then nature will take its due course.

“Enjoy your time back here, Miss Popular,” you smiled. “I’ll see you when I see you.”

You watched Minji exit the car. There was a fleeting spark of hope as she lingered at the door, but you quickly shut it down. You weren’t the kids you used to be. But maybe in another lifetime, things would end up differently.

Your eyes followed her as she walked to the front door, waving at you before entering the house and closing the door behind her. You waited until you saw her bedroom light turn on through the window.

You started the drive back home and turned up the music, deciding to take the long way.

#newjeans x reader #newjeans fanfic #newjeans fic #kim minji x reader

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corralinesage · 14 days ago

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Portrait of a wounded heart (8/8)

CHAPTER 8 Epilogue: First snow

You sprinted down the stairs in a hurry, dodging a couple of students on your way to the lobby, a silly smile lingering on your lips no matter how you tried to swallow it down to avoid looking idiotic. You simply had too much to smile about, your chest fluttering from excitement as you burst through the front door of the department of English, swerving more people as you entered Greene Street, your boots leaving behind dark prints into the fresh snow that had collected on the concrete during your lecture. You ran, yes, you ran across the street to the corner of the opposite building where a redheaded woman stood with a paper bag in her hand. Your eyes met, your smile wearing off on her immediately, your running pace only increasing.

“Oh, you won’t believe- Ah! It went so well.” You fell into Natasha’s arms, her perfume engulfing you with its sweet scent as you buried your face into her snow-dusted scarf, a gentle chuckle sounding from her, her arms squeezing you tightly. “She was impressed with my comments and analysis! She said so herself.” You pulled back to see Natasha’s face, a wild grin on your lips, her expression matching yours. “She’s proud of me.”

“And she has every reason to be”, Natasha whispered, cupping your cheek, itching to hold the ball of excitement that you were, but the paper bag in her hand only allowed it partly.

“I didn’t think I could do it, and I almost dropped the course at one point cause I was so busy. So, then today she asked me how I felt about the workload and said she was wondering about it because my comments were so good!” You could have cried from joy. You didn’t understand why it mattered so much to you, what made your English professor different from the others –or you did know. It was because she was old enough to be your mother, but you still failed to fully understand everything that you were feeling.

“I’m so proud of you.” Natasha pulled you back into her embrace, kissing the side of your head.

“I feel like this is it. This is where I wanna be, what I wanna do”, you said quietly, your smile fading away. “I don’t think I’ve ever felt like this about school.” She looked at you intently, keeping your body flush against her own as you gave her a small frown. “I did well. I’m actually good at something.” Her smile only widened, her eyes flitting down to your lips before she kissed you softly. You welcomed the gesture, kissing her back, the act loaded with uncontrollable excitement.

“You’re good at a lot of things”, Natasha countered in a gentle berate for your habit of belittling yourself.

“Yeah, but you know… She likes me. She thinks I have good opinions.” Natasha’s brow arched.

“Alright, now”, she said in a mild warning, her tone slightly teasing. “Don’t make me jealous.” You chuckled quietly, staring up at her with doting reverence.

“I would never. I only have eyes for you”, you assured her, rising up onto your tiptoes to plant another kiss on her plump lips. “Although I’ll keep my peripheral on Mrs. Salinas”, you added jokingly, earning an eye roll from her.

“I don’t know what kind of an impression I’ve given you, but…” She pulled you closer, her lips finding your ear. “I’m not sharing.” Your other knee actually gave in, your body pressing into hers, a warm tickle caressing your lower abdomen. You let out a small giggle, a burst of happiness exploding in your chest. You felt so light, so grounded, despite your weak knees, your arms wrapping tightly around Natasha’s neck.

“Don’t worry, I’m not meant to be shared. I’m snack-sized.” She chuckled at your words, adjusting her grip around your waist, your feet nearly lifting off the ground as she straightened herself upright.

“Snack-sized indeed. What are you, a feather?” She lifted you completely off the ground as if to prove her point.

“You’re just freakishly strong. You could join the Avengers or something.” You pulled back to look at her when she set you down, grinning like a fool, Natasha casting her eyes to the snowflake-filled sky.

“Find me an application form and I’m sold.”

“No, I’m keeping you all to myself. Fuck the Avengers and saving the world. You’re all mine.” Natasha bit the inside of her lip, reigning in her reaction to your words.

“That better apply to only one of the Avengers”, she muttered playfully, pleased out of her mind to hear you laugh at her stupid joke.

“That depends. Did you bring me a dirty chai latte, and a banana-walnut muffin all the way from Hudson Yards?” You gave her a small look of suspicion as if there would have been any question whether she had followed your request or not. She rolled her eyes, lifting up the paper bag in her hand, offering you a peek at the two coffee cups that were from a nearby cafe and two muffins from the place you had had your first date in, but additionally there was a medium-sized cardboard packaging that you didn’t recognize. “What’s this?” You asked in confusion, pulling out the small box, immediately noting the high-quality brand.

“Something small”, she hummed mysteriously, watching you turn around the perfume box in your hands.

“Small? Baby, this is half my rent”, you gasped, opening up the box despite the stiffness of your cold fingers, carefully prying the thin plastic wrap off to open the package to get the glass bottle out. “And you got the bigger size too”, you whined as if she had done something wrong, your mouth turning downward. “You didn’t have to.” She merely smiled, fresh snowflakes piling up in her hair, the ones that touched her face melting away in an instant.

“I couldn’t stop thinking about it”, she admitted softly. “It suits you far too well, and if it makes you feel any better, I bought it for my own pleasure”, she said teasingly, watching you spray the mouth-watering scent on your neck and scarf, Natasha’s smile only widening. She barely had the patience to wait for it to set before she pulled you closer, inhaling your natural scent mixed with the intoxicating fragrance of the perfume. You chuckled at her enthusiasm, leaning into her as you put the bottle away, so she could get another lungful of your apple pie and caramel -scented neck. “Fuck, that really just makes me want to take a bite out of you.”

“What are you waiting for?” You chuckled, giving her a daring look. Natasha set the paper bag onto the ground to avoid making a mess, her hands yanking you as close as you could possibly get, her mouth finding your neck. You let out a loud squeal that turned into uncontrollable laughter, her teeth sinking gently into your flesh. “Natasha!”

“Save that for the bedroom, krasotka”, she whispered teasingly, your stomach suddenly swarming with butterflies. You giggled again, leaning into her embrace for one final time before you would go enjoy your coffee break between lectures to Washington Park where the first snow was covering up the frozen, umber-colored leaves that remained on the ground, ready to welcome the change of season with open arms. Natasha pulled back to look at you, her lips finding yours on their own. She kissed you repeatedly, her lightly tinted lip balm staining your mouth a soft pink. She pushed you away enough to see your face, her eyes roaming all over your joy-filled features, the corners of her mouth turning upward in a genuine smile. “I’m so proud of you, so proud.”

“Well, you did help me...” Natasha wasn’t going to accept your attempts at redirecting where credit was due, her brows furrowing in disapproval.

“I’m the one who made it hard for you to focus in the first place.” You looked at her with a small squint.

“It’s not your fault you’re so all-consumingly beautiful, and sexy, and-”

“Take the compliment”, Natasha whispered sternly, yet her lips were curved into a small smirk, her smile only widening when you averted your eyes. She was beyond pleased to see the telltale sign of you blushing, her chest fluttering softly at the sight.

“Fine”, you muttered, feigning your reluctance, although some of it was surely real.

“Say it for me.” Your eyes rose up to meet Natasha’s, widening in disbelief. She merely gave you a smug smirk. “I’m proud of myself.” You looked at her blankly.

“No.”

“Say it, detka. I’m proud of myself.” Her left hand pulled you closer by your waist, your hips pressing into hers. “Come on, I know you know how.” Her tone was low, playful, but no longer teasing. You could barely look her in the eye from how flustered you were, your lips parting, but nothing came out. You felt her warmth against the front of your body, the pressure of her hand prominent through the layers of clothing you wore. You were proud of yourself, but it was more than hard to accept the feeling when it was something that you rarely experienced. Natasha cocked her head gently, finding your eyes.

“I’m… proud of myself”, you sighed in defeat, Natasha’s smile turning into a huge grin.

“That’s a good girl.” You couldn’t even look at her, your wide smile directed at the snow-covered ground. “No girl of mine is gonna have poor self-esteem if I can help it.” Fuck, she was really going to send you back to class after saying all that. You glanced at her, giggling quietly when you realized that she could very clearly see your reaction to her words from your face. You let your lower lip loose from the tight clamp your teeth had on it, trying to cover up your obvious arousal, but it was too late. She returned your laughter, welcoming you to rest your head against her shoulder, the height difference her heeled boots added offering you the luxury of hiding your face against her chest.

“Why would you say that? Now I have to make it through art history with dirty thoughts in my head”, you grumbled halfheartedly, Natasha’s soft laughter sounding above you.

“Well, if you just led the way to the nearest bathroom, I could sort that out for you.”

“Natasha, I’m not doing that!” You whined, only adding to her amusement. She had suggested it more than once during your four weeks of dating, mostly on days when she had to pine after you during your hours on campus. You refused to do anything on the university premises for a very good reason, but Natasha seemingly failed to see your logic behind it.

“Why not? I bet it would be so fun”, she crooned in that low, sensual voice of hers, your eyes sliding shut on their own.

“Natasha”, you said in a mild warning, merely receiving a light chuckle from her. You tried to pull away from the hug to give her a very impressive frown, but she simply tugged you back into her embrace, nuzzling her face into your hair as she inhaled your new scent. She held you for a moment, hugging you as best as your winter coats would allow, her chin resting over the crown of your head.

“Tonight then, when you come over”, she said quietly. “I’ll make sure you leave the tower the most confident girl there is.”

“Not helping”, you groaned, finally forcing yourself to pull away from her so you wouldn’t spend your entire break in her arms. The shit-eating grin on her face only seemed to linger there. “Let’s go. The coffees are cooling down.” You reached down for the paper bag, handing Natasha her chai latte before you took a bite out of your muffin. She took the bag from you like a true gentlewoman, so you could focus on your latte, but when you realized that the arrangement wouldn’t allow you to hold her hand, you hooked your arm with hers, refusing to let her get too far away from you on the street that was busy with students, workers, and tourists.

A/N: Thank you so much to everyone who has read this story!! I truly appreciate the support<3 There's a second part to this story (an art themed smut collection) that I'll most likely also post on tumblr! It can be found on my ao3

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judesmoonbeauty · 2 months ago

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i love your theories on jude’s route and also your analysis of his words (the wedding event??? omg <3) so now i’m super curious to hear what your theories are in regards to him entering a relationship with kate 👀 like what would a confession of jude look like? or rather an acceptance of kate’s confession / her feelings? because i keep thinking of this one bond level chapter where kate told him she dreamt that jude said "i love you" and he just straight up said "wasn’t me. why are dreaming about other men" lmao and all the story events are either sorta pre-relationship or in-relationship. so how do you think the transition would look like? out of everyone jude truly seems like his own category haha and might stand out the most in comparison to the other main routes! the way he shows his love and care is always hidden behind other words so with him reading between the lines is so important… idk but i’d love to hear your thoughts!

Mild Spoilers from Events & Sexual content - MDNI

As usual, this is just for fun, we can't be dogmatic.

First, thanks for the ask, and I’m glad that you enjoyed my previous posts! I love this question, and sorry for the delay in responding, but I wanted to give it proper thought.

To start, I think it’s going to be a rough transition. Um, I feel like Jude is going to do everything he possibly can (no matter how crooked it is), to send Kate back home. I just feel the need to be prepared for A LOT of arguing between them at least in the first few chapters of their relationship.

Often times in his events (especially earlier ones), Jude is described as being cold, dispassionate. The Valentine’s Day CE -KissXXX- is an excellent example of this. So, I think he is definitely going to have a thick wall up, and I don’t expect him to be kind to her in any way.

I feel like there will be sexual intimacy between them, I don’t know how early on in the route, but I suspect that the first encounters will lack actual sentiment and emotional attachment. The island lust story is indicative of that (to me at least), they are together physically, but it’s more or less just to fill this sense of longing that they both have.

I can imagine a scenario where Jude says something spiteful and teasing to her about being “played” with by him, but she wouldn’t be able to handle it, and she’d be like, “Oh, wanna bet?” Cue the R18 scene. Then of course, the ending will have that emotional attachment when they are actually together….I’m hoping.

Now, in regards to who confesses to whom:

I could be SO wrong about this, but I really don’t see Jude confessing to Kate first. I’d love to see it, but knowing how much he goes through in his events (from intentionally sending her to an incorrect location for a mission, to trying to scare her into giving up), I doubt he’ll outright confess his feelings.

Of course, Jude’s Kate will have none of that.

It wouldn’t be surprising to me that Kate would confess to Jude first. His anniversary SE is what makes me think this. I’ve mentioned it somewhere before, but Kate tells Jude that they should just stick together because it’s too late. She reasons that she can’t ever return to a normal life anyway because people associate her with him now, and he gives in and signs her continuation contract.

Of a similar nature, I think she will tell him that they should stick together, of course with the bonus that she loves him.

I think that Jude will cave into the feelings that he’s been denying the entire time, and respond to Kate the way his VA - Kaito - said he would in an interview about Jude pre-game release:

“’The line, “If ya ever plan on runnin’ from me, ya better kill me first. ‘Cause if ya don’t, I ain’t lettin’ ya go till you’ve turned to nothin’ but bone and dust.’” This line really captures the depth of his love for the heroine, and how at that point, only death could keep him away from her. It felt like he was confessing to her that it was all or nothing, that he was putting his life in her hands.’”

Will we ever hear the word’s “I love you,” from Jude in the main story? Maybe, if Kate is on the verge of death, and he says "I love you" when he’s terrified that she might die, and doesn't want there to be any regrets??? Or perhaps in a future event after his main story???

I think his above line, coupled with his actions, will shine upon just how much he loves his beloved, Kate. As usual, it’ll be fun to see just how off the mark I am when his route hits.

#💌 anon #c's corner #How will it go down?#jude asks

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the-bitter-ocean · 5 months ago

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oceaaaannn hiii! let's go with 3, 5, and 15 for the isat ask game c:

(MAJOR A6SE / 2HATS SPOILERS + FULL GAME SPOILERS AHOY) Thank you for the questions @dekupalace ! Since I’m going to be talking more in depth about the game for one of these questions I’m going to put my responses under a read more:

3- favorite soundtrack?

Oh god that’s such a hard question the whole game has certified bangers. The musicians at Studio Thumpy Puppy were not messing around or pulling any punches. The soundtrack of the game elevates literally every emotional beat. If I was forced to choose only one song out of the soundtrack my favorite track in the whole game has to be “How Can You Help Me, Stardust?” aka the theme that plays when you fight Loop at the Favor tree during act six. Hearing that for the first time while getting the full context of loop’s backstory made me go crazy. It was so fucking emotional and well done. That and it’s just objectively a super intense high energy song that makes me wanna dance around. If anyone deserves the coolest fight theme in the game, it’s Loop.

5- favorite optional event?

Ooh this is also a hard one! I adore a lot of the optional story events because each of them really shed light on Siffrin’s mental state /characterization, as well as gives depth to other aspects like the other character of the world building as a whole which strengthens the themes of the story. Aside from the obvious choice (2Hats Ending/ Act six loop encounter) I think my favorite optional event would have to be the “Who Was Phone” achievement (Change God event). There’s something so fascinating about learning about the Change God. Someone who clearly adores their certified little guy (Mirabelle) and is willing to offer words of kindness and assurance in her identity even if it knows she won’t remember in one instance..and then in the very same breath tell Siffrin that they enjoy watching Siffrin in the timeloop torment nexus because they’re curious to see how they change in a situation where everything is forced to stagnate. It was so genuinely fucked. I will think about it always forever.

15- anything you’d change about the game? be it game mechanics, a new feature, a change in plot, etc

Overall I’m pretty satisfied with the game both in story and gameplay actually. I think Adrienne did a good job writing and expanding on the characters and story that was set up in the prologue. The quality of life in terms of gameplay got improved since the previous game as well ( those who played the prologue can attest to this) . The fact that it was a in universe story reason as to why makes it all the more satisfying (if you want to know what I mean by that please read my mutuals @felikatze analysis about it here.)

I just am happy that Siffrin got to be happy in the end and stay with their family, to be able to talk things out and escape the loops. I know some people didn’t like that or expected a more darker/sadder ending or wanted the gameplay to be more challenging … my response to that is Literally Just Play Start Again: A Prologue. To me it would be extremely reductive to have Siffrin just suffer with no reprieve or escape from the loops (because that’s just a repeat of what happened in its predecessor) or have the group just split off from each other immediately after everything happened. It would have been extremely unsatisfying and ultimately missing the point of the themes of the game as a whole gonna be real lol.

The only things I’d maybe change or add is like it would’ve been cute to see Euphrasie and Claude be together/ reunite on screen in act 6. They should kiss. Lol. (That and just I would’ve personally loved to see Euphrasie in canon expanded on a little more but that’s not necessarily needed she serves her purpose in the narrative. I just like analyzing her and giving her more depth and I like when others do too, but that’s what fanart/ fics and aus are for so I’m not fussed.)

I don’t mind that the game is sort of open ended and doesn’t answer all the questions. I think that gives artists, fanfic writers, Au makers and people who like to analyze the game more freedom to come up with their own interpretations for things that happened in pre canon and post canon which to me is more interesting. I know Loop disappearing at the end of the game in both endings is sad/ bittersweet but I wouldn’t necessarily change the way that was structured either. I like that their fate was ambiguous because it leads the viewer to come up with their own theories as to where they went. ( personally I love seeing stuff where loop gets to travel on their own and form a new life and identity outside of the loops and learn to heal, as well as post game getting to meet back up with the party and learn to navigate this new life/ change one step at a time. )

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1moreff-creator · 1 year ago

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How the LGI MV proves MonoTVid is both canon and a doomed ship

In this totally serious analysis post, I will show you, with 100% irrefutable evidence, that MonoTVid (the common ship name for MonoTV x David) is destined to be both canon and a doomed ship. This is in honor of them recently winning that one poll in The Website Formerly Known As Twitter, a poll which I do not entirely understand but one which I will respect regardless.

I will not accept any criticism on this post. I am objectively correct. If you find mistakes in this post, then what you’ve found is a mistake in your brain.

Obviously a TV, Obviously a Ship

Observe.

Now, do you understand?

If you don’t, let me spell it out for you. We have what is “obviously a TV” with terrorist iconography, which obviously represents MonoTV, nearby several elements which clearly represent David. The hair clips, the megaphone, the dummy. You’ll see “dummies” is plural, because David is a dummy. This is the first clue to the tsundenderish nature of David, as he is literally calling himself a “baka”, perhaps even of the sussy variety. If he calls himself “baka”, could he use the same word to describe someone else?

But the true indication of this ship is the lemon on top of the TV. See, the lemon in the story “Lemon” by the man who wrote the story “Lemon”, whoever he was, is a lemon which represents, despite being a lemon, a person’s will to live. If you want further context on this lemon, read the background text near the lemon when the lyric “make a lemon bomb” shows up on screen, near the lemon. You think I’m gonna post an image of the lemon text near the lemon? No. You should know the lemon text near the lemon by heart.

Anyways, this lemon is obviously on top of the TV to represent that MonoTV is David’s reason to live. There are no other possible interpretations.

But you may also see those dandelions, labeled “weeds”. Weed is what I’m taking to make this post. Not cannabis, I am sniffing dandelions. This is besides the point.

Now, you’ll realize that since dandelions represent happiness, and even hope, the point the video tries to make with them is that David sees these things as annoying weeds. This shows MonoTV and David both hate hope. They are clearly lovers.

But what you didn’t notice, and I know you didn’t notice for I am in your walls, is footnote 18: “A/N: soz not very good at drawing flowers lol!!!”. See, David is the author of these notes, which is obvious from things like footnote 11, the “I am an only child” one. What this footnote means is that David gave these flowers to MonoTV, but he’s embarrassed about it, because he doesn’t think any gift can match the divine splendor of MonoTV. David is just that sweet. That much of a cinnamon roll who can do no wrong. A skrunkly. A blorbo. What other words can I use to brainwash Tumblr users.

Now, look at these.

Look at the balloon and the Monokuma plushie. Does my inconsistent coloring of “the” bother you? I am very evil. You’ll see the balloon is labeled “stupid kid’s toy”, while the plushie is “a popular toy”.

Now, you might think this is another indication that David sees anything related to hope, like balloons, as inherently childish and stupid. Meanwhile, he sees anything related to despair, like Monokuma, as more grounded.

You are wrong.

You seem, MonoTV has stated Monokuma is its dad. So this being in the video means that MonoTV is David’s daddy and his toy. I’ll explain when you’re older. Just kidding, I won’t. Fuck that.

Not convinced?

Why? I am always right, so you shouldn’t doubt me.

But okay, I guess:

I Will Bring Up Color Theory For The Thousandth Post In A Row

I am not linking the accirax post for the fiftieth time. Look it up yourself.

Look:

Yellow for David, cyan for MonoTV. Many have tried to come up with an answer for what “original” means, but it’s actually really simple.

See, David has an I. You wanna know who else has an I? Dark blue, which may be J. And J is the mastermind. Here’s the source for that, it’s somewhere in that video, you just have to find it.

So, J, who is the mastermind and thus essentially MonoTV, has the same letter as David. This clearly shows David and MonoTV are lovers.

Here’s another case of a cyan I.

Boom. Theorizing’s easy.

Then, look.

David has game in yellow, then MonoTV has game in cyan. They’re lovers. Do you find another explanation? No, no you don’t. You will not think critically about this post. You are not immune to MonoTVid propaganda.

But, alas, the ship is not to last.

David is a Cat

At the beginning of the video:

David calls himself a cat, then MonoTV shows up to remind us it’s a dog. You might think it doesn’t mean much, but there actually is meaning behind David being a cat. See, it’s related to the archaic Japanese pronoun “wagahai”, referenced-

Nah, you don’t care about that. David’s a cat, source just trust me bro.

That’s what the black and white cat sitting next to David actually represents: David, tied by color scheme to MonoTV. I’m writing this on my phone and don’t feel like waiting to get to a computer to get past the 10 image limit, so we’re out of visuals.

Why is this important? Well, if you take into account the Romeo and Juliet quote that footnote 8 is attached to (here’s a screenshot), it’s clear the MV is trying to convey a story of two people in love separated by fate. This is clearly about David and MonoTV, which is further represented by David being represented by a cat when MonoTV is obviously a dog. Truly sad. Can I get an amen?

Are you not convinced yet? Crazy. Well, one last thing then.

It’s All Democratic

“To be or not to be? Who knows? Let’s decide! Democratic-ly”

You see how the rules for class trials are on the same image as democratic-ly? Well, this is a clear reference to the poll on The Website Formerly Known As Twitter. Since MonoTVid was chosen as the winner of said poll, it was chosen “democratically”, and will thus become a canon doomed ship. You might wonder if this means the dev has the ability to see the future. But we are not to speculate on the dev’s identity, so while we can’t theorize they are clairvoyant, we also can’t speculate they aren’t. Checkmate.

In fact, The Website Formerly Known As Twitter is now sometimes referred to as “X”, an obvious reference to the X on this screen. Because surely no one would be so absolutely idiotic as to just name the website “X” for no reason.

But hold on, isn’t this X actually Roman numeral 10 for Min?

Well, obviously. We never saw Min’s corpse in her execution, which means she survived and is the second mastermind alongside J. Min is still alive. Min is still alive. Min is still alive. Min is still-

Am I a Whit Young kinnie, but specifically for Min? No, obviously. Because Min isn’t like Whit’s mom, because Min is still alive.

The point is, Min is related back to MonoTV through her mastermind-y nature, and MonoTV to MonoTVid, I’m too lazy to actually continue writing this post.

—————————————————————————

Did you actually read this all the way to end? Are you okay? Do you need a hug? Because this is insane. I don’t know why I made this. Take care!

#drdt #danganronpa despair time #david chiem #monotv #monotvid #i went insane from reading too much #actually what the fuck am i doing #shitpost

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m4ndysk4nkovich · 1 year ago

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okay so i made a post (here) kind of about this a while ago, but here’s a full analysis on ian and mickey’s relationship and their struggles with abandonment and commitment issues:

as the seasons went on, one of the things made most clear about mickey milkovich, was his love language, acts of service. the way that mickey views love is that loving somebody is doing grand gestures to keep them with you. throughout the entire show, this is made clear, for example: robbing a man’s house for ian then kissing him (overcoming a huge fear of his), getting terry off of ian so that he would get more hurt than ian would, kissing ian in public, coming out for ian and getting the living shit beat out of him, (almost) murdering ian’s half-sister for calling the military police on him, snitching on a huge cartel and getting himself thrown back in prison for ian, attempting to escape prison again for ian, and eventually, faking marrying ian’s sister so that he could marry ian.

however, ian isn’t the same as mickey in that way. does ian love mickey? fuck yeah. but is ian as willing to do as much crazy shit in the name of love as mickey is? not really. it’s not that ian doesn’t love mickey or doesn’t risk a ton for mickey, because he does, he just loves mickey in a different way.

so, since mickey views love as doing grand gestures that could possibly risk everything in your life, he has a hard time understanding that people can love people in different ways that don’t involve a lot of danger. so when ian doesn’t go to mexico and doesn’t sign the marriage license, mickey feels as if ian doesn’t love him. his thought process is kind of just like i’ve done so much for ian, i’ve done everything to keep us together, but he still can’t commit, and that hurts mickey! it’s so obvious that he feels that way in 10x08 when ian says, “i wanna know how you feel!” and mickey just looks beyond pissed and hurt. and in the next episode, ian tries to explain himself, but mickey says, “no, you’re just saying that you don’t love me enough now”. to an extent, he understands that he and ian have different minds that work in very different ways, but he can’t grasp the thought of ian not signing those papers, because to him that’s a grand gesture, and a grand gesture = loving somebody.

but the reason that ian doesn’t sign the papers isn’t because he doesn’t love mickey, it’s because he’s afraid to commit. debbie tells him that he’s scared of commitment, and ian tells mickey himself that the reason he’s scared is because of his parents. and truly, it makes sense. from what we’ve seen of frank and monica, it’s been stated that they’ve been married many times; and ever since season 4 the show has made a point of showing ian’s fear of becoming his mother. and historically throughout shameless ian hasn’t had the best romantic history. he’s been with so many men that he tells a nurse that he doesn’t even know how many, we’ve seen him with men old enough to be his father- possibly even grandfather, and every single of age boyfriend (including mickey, sorry) has treated him like actual dog shit at one point. it makes sense that he’s afraid. he grew up seeing his parents fight with each other and leave each other (and their children) and then seeing his sister get into toxic relationships with men who, in ian’s words, weren’t very nice to her. his view on love is warped, and yes, he does love mickey, but loving mickey scares ian, and believe me, it scares mickey, too.

the real explanation to most of ian and mickey’s conflicts throughout the show is that ian has commitment issues and mickey has abandonment issues. they both grew up gay in abusive households on the south side, and loved each other regardless, but it was hard for them, and always will be hard.

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dazai-fan-page · 6 months ago

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I wanna join in and send an ask— tell me about your thoughts on Dazai’s relationship with Ango and your takes on what Dazai currently thinks and feels about him. This question is worth 5 points.

for extra credit, elaborate on how his thoughts on Ango have or haven’t changed over the past 4 years (from when he was 18 until the current time where he’s 22)

(feel free to ignore if you don’t find Ango interesting or don’t have Thoughts about him, he consumes my mind sometimes and it’s hard to find Ango analysis posts)

Ango's tricky. I don't know much about him. Mostly bc I don't like him that much. But I want those 5 points and extra credit.

Gonna break it down by eras for convenience.

Port Mafia:

I think that Dazai thought Ango was interesting. Dazai seems to pick friends based on who interests him, he likes weird people. A mafioso who doesn't kill, the vessel of a "god", a germaphobe, an emo (Joking Dazai was not friends w/ Akutagawa and also I think he's more goth than emo)

Basically, I think Ango was weird enough to catch Dazai's attention. After that I really think the kid just wanted friends and that's how he saw Ango. As a friend. A very tentative one and definitely not something he'd voice but. I think he cared enough to not look at Ango's stories too closely until Dark Era.

Missing Years:

I think he blamed Ango. I think Dazai was blaming everyone possible for his best friend dying and I don't think he cared if they were actually at fault.

I'm not sure Dazai gave Ango any thought other than "you did this" for most of that time. I'm also pretty sure Dazai was. not stable at all for most of the two years he was in hiding. I would not be surprised if he was blackout drunk for most of it.

To be fair Asagiri could also tell me Dazai moved to France and became a famous tap dancer for those two years and I'd be like. "huh. ig he had to do something" so I wouldn't be surprised by whatever he was doing at the time.

Start of Current Arcs:

I think Dazai understands that Ango didn't mean for Oda to die, that he never planned for it. I think he still blames him for it though.

Similar to Mori I think he understands why it went down how it did and he's willing to work with them but I don't think he considers Ango anywhere near a friend anymore.

Newest Update (114.5):

Pretty sure he's letting Ango try and make it up to Dazai. In other words, Dazai has a new toy in the government to play with.

I'm not gonna say Dazai doesn't care about Ango because he very well might but I do think he's gonna use Ango for the next few arcs.

#bsd dazai #dazai osamu #bungou stray dogs dazai #dazai #osamu dazai #bsd #bsd dazai osamu #bsd ango #ango sakaguchi #ango bsd #ango bungo stray dogs #bungo stray dogs #bungo stray dogs ango

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octaviasdread · 7 months ago

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I hereby conduct this tortured poets society album meeting in all of its mania and sorrowful blues as I move from unhinged impressions to unhinged first-listen analysis because I am incapable of saying less.

(and to all the Aimees i’m so sorry but that’s on Kim)

This Anthology is taking me so long to process, but nothing feels like the first jarring moments of I Can Do It With a Broken Heart - the cacophony and flashes of a birthday breakdown bopping to 80s arcade game synth. It's crumbled cake and mascara streaks when Bejewelled is actually a delusional Mirrorball,

and The Secret Garden reference in I Hate It Here, oh god, she’s so me:

I hate it here so I will go to / secret gardens in my mind / people need a key to get to / the only one is mine / i read about it in a book when I was a precocious child

I need to come back to that. But the whirlwind of Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me? Plans cancelled. IM THE ONE barricaded in the bathroom with a bottle of wine, actually. It's me chained-up in that poor things victorian mourning dress shrieking elegies in my tortured nightingale screams.

She's Grammys Taylor looking at the crowd of her peers rolling their eyes, she's the litany of snide jokes diminishing her success, and the children, sisters, friends, and girlfriends of those who wronged her loudly singing her songs.

so i leap from the gallows and i levitate down your street / crash the party like a record scratch as I scream / who’s afraid of little old me

i was tame i was gentle til the circus made me mean / don’t you worry folks we took out all her teeth

ohhh, the throwback to Speak Now and the significance of MEAN. The song and its titular word show how childish language encapsulates that pointless spite and the bone deep hurt mean behaviour breeds - but now she’s a phoenix risen, and they hurl her youth and her downfall back in her face - word for word, surprised face - its the dark side the The Lucky One, of not escaping the cage of fame games.

you lured me and you hurt me and you taught me / you caged me and then you called me crazy

i wanna snarl and show you just how disturbed this has made me / you wouldn’t last an hour in the asylum where they raised me / so all you kids can sneak into my house with all the cobwebs / i’m always drunk on my own tears isn’t that what they all said?

PUT NARCOTICS IN MY SONG took me out. This album is funny in the most sardonic and absurdly humorous ways,

like the classic cowboy western guitar strings in her crime songs (I Can Fix Him, No Really I Can - pistols drawn), but especially the ones leading into Fresh Out The Slammer. Fucking genius, and to follow on with static sounds at 2:26ish to the house where you still wait up, is exactly the kinda detail I adore.

Naively, I thought Florence was done with me after Florida!!! It's a lyrical meme for single 20 & 30 somethings who moved away from home,

my friends all smell of like weed or little babies / and the city reeks of driving myself crazy / little did you know your home’s really only / a town you’re just a guest in

and the haunting morphs from the ghost of your girlhood into the catalogue of decisions and delusions which get you through adulthood. Yet it feels almost like an interlude within the song when

me and my ghosts we’ve had a hell of a time / yes i’m haunted but i’m feeling fine / all my girls got their lace and their crimes / and your cheating husband disappeared/ well no one asks questions here

appears like an alternative pov for No Body, No Crime with the girls and their ghosts and their pacts made over wine. Every Action has an Equal Reaction. Run away to Florida, or Texas, and lose yourself to lose the heartbreak. Its self-destruction, it's trauma-healing, bonding, and its breaking.

(what a song for an angsty girl collab, problematic girl in hand with problematic girl, lyrically and thematically, maybe the real love story is the friends we make along the way.)

And that wasn't even the last of it. It's Florence 2.0 with B side Cassandra, but instead of Dance Fever, its Taylor’s glorious mythology with all the allusions, parallels, intertextual and lyrical ruining of my mind:

when the first stone’s thrown they’re screaming / when its burn the bitch they’re shrieking / when the truth comes out its quiet

so they killed cassandra first cus she feared the worst / and tried to tell the town / so they filled my cell with snakes i regret to say / do you believe me now?

No apologies anymore. A girl given the gift of prophecy by Apollo, the GOD OF POETRY, is cursed with her prophecy never being believed: Burning all the witches even if you aren't one, indeed. She saw the truth of the Trojan horse, and the Trojans insulted her. Rep snake branding and the current cultural view of KK and Ye. I don't need to say anything else.

i was in the tower weaving nightmares / twisting all my smiles into snarls

the family the pure greed the christian chrous line / bloods thick but nothing like a payroll / bet they never spared a prayer for my soul

I literally played that THREE times before I got over it enough to finish my first listen,

and i’m still thinking about Clara Bow and that Stevie Nicks tambourine we collectively freaked over from the Spotify installation, and all the silent movie speculation from the track title release.

you look like Clara Bow in this light - you look like Stevie Nicks in '75 - you look like Taylor Swift

Three women whose public profession became entangled with their pain. Silver Springs. Boyfriend songs. The jokes. Clara Bow.

Clara feared being left behind by 'talkies.' Miss Americana. The fear of 30 bringing death to a woman's Hollywood/Musical career,

beauty is a beast that roars down on all fours demanding more / only when your girlish glow flickers just so / do they let you know?

Three women who beat the odds - three women whose talent, craft, and popularity carried them through.

But there's something more to unpack here with cycles and patterns - of the past endlessly repeating. It's the transient nature of fame and our fleeting view of beauty mapped out in the untouchable, ever-changing, and culturally worshiped moon.

It's a body of physical craters, a natural body we call discovered, and fight to claim. We project emotions and create rituals of worship - you're the new god we're worshipping. Endless stories are told about her, but we can never fully see the moon with human eyes. Eclipses, shadows, - 'half moonshinе, a full eclipse' - half-truths and half-moons:

this town is fake but you're the real thing / breath of fresh air through smoke rings / take the glory, give everything / promise to be dazzling

There's a play on light and a play on words in the repetition of Dazzling, shining so bright so blindingly bright. Who is dazzled? Who is doing the dazzling? There's an instability between Director - Public - Star. It's Hollywood lights, No one in my small town thought I'd see the lights of Manhattan / No one in my small town thought I'd meet these suits in LA.

She beat the 'War Big Machine' - but for me, there's ambivalence and illusion on all sides of the final lyrics, you've got edge, she never did / the future's bright, dazzling.

(and ‘Edge’ is particularly ironic when you consider the songs on this album…)

Moving again into the B Side, it's Taylor's departure from Invisible string, red strings of fate, and golden threads à la the golden chain of fate in Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities that strikes me.

First, I thought her writing was a complete departure from the themes of destiny and fate, but then, The Prophecy:

cards on thе table / Mine play out like fools in a fablе

it isn't an absent symbol; it transformed. It's the evermore forest amped to the max. Witches, folklore, fairy-tale and fable - a homeric epic. Its the hero's journey distilled as she opens the song with a move from 'full throttle' adventure, to slowing down 'Hand on the Throttle' to appeal for Supernatural aid at the hero's transformative fall.

and it was written / I got cursed like eve got bitten / a greater woman wouldn't beg / but I looked at the sky and said / please I've been on my knees / change the prophecy

Lover asking Traffic Lights becomes spending my last coin so someone will tell me, and this might be the most slept-on heartbreaking line. Her search for reassurance can't be framed as an arbitrary musing anymore. It can't be dismissed as a mere thought on her drive home, or something triggered throughout the day - its intent. It's a quest for answers, a plea, a last-ditch hope difficult to deny.

and I sound like an infant / feeling like the very last drops of an ink pen/ a greater woman stays cool/ but I howl like a wolf at the moon / and I look unstable /

gathered with a coven 'round a sorceress' table / a greater woman has faith But even statues crumble if they're made to wait / i'm so afraid I sealed my fate / no sign of soulmates

She's asking for a gift from the Gods, and when the God's won't answer, she plunges straight down from heaven or Olympus into the self seizure of power in witchcraft. And when it fails, she descends further - Spending my last coin so someone will tell me it'll be okay - paying mortal fortune tellers, even if they lie.

The song leans on figures without redemption, on the Eve's, on the women cursed and punished, and those who scream like infants rather than enduring burdens and pain in silence. She's poisoned, infected like Aurora from the wound of the pricked hand with dreams of him. Is this a punishment?

She's infected, cursed like Eve got bitten, [lyric of all time!!!!] but does a monster always do monstrous things? Who is the monster? Who is the folkloric, the literary Mad Woman? Perhaps she's written from the desperate, the scarred, and the wronged.

and the transition into another tale with Peter? As in Peter losing Wendy? Is it an epilogue to the Betty trilogy? or a different use of the metaphor?

and I didn't wanna hang around / we said it was just goodbye for now /said you were gonna grow up / then you were gonna come find me / words from the mouths of babes / promises oceans deep / but never to keep

The triangle is echoed in love's never lost when perspective is earned, reflecting the different povs of Betty, August, and James, and placing Peter as the new conclusion - the shelf life of those fantasies has expired / lost to the lost boys chapter of your life/ the woman who sits by the window/ has turned out the (porch?) light.

Promises wear out. Wendy's window closes, and so does this chapter in her life.

my lost fearless leader / in closets like cedar / preserved from when we were just kids / is it something I did? / the goddess of timing / once found us beguiling

is also - intentionally or not - Narnia coded. Is the storybook collecting dust in her closet? Or is the closet still holding a portal to another fairytale land accessible only in youth, another home you can't return to (and another folklore parallel with mtr, anywhere I want just not home).

Side B is so harmonious with ttpd being the end of a chapter as the anthology moves through all the seven stages (or Taylor playlists) of grief.

The Manuscript, the signing of the autopsy, is the Death of the Author. It's the Roland Barthes realisation of All Too Well reborn in joy and fan culture, the story isn't mine anymore, of the Eras - 'I hope you hear these songs and think of this night' - Tour. She knew what the agony had been for - art. connection. - and its these things that create the hope lost in ttpd's journey through mania, disorientation, loss and despair. It all leads to healing, nothing left but a manuscript.

So many thoughts from listen no.1 and they’ll probably change, but i’m so exhausted from this 31 song rollercoaster that I'm just gonna let this sit. death of the author, I guess.

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gendervapor14 · 2 years ago

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treating myself to some old OP episodes to alleviate the horrors and i can’t resist the urge to ramble about bell-mère’s death a little bit.

so, i will start here, with this iconic moment:

manga readers may notice something right off the bat. “hey, arlong’s not aiming for her head!” yes, in the anime, seems they switched his aim for the heart. i actually prefer this. first of all, that flintlock is huge compared to her, so head or heart, it’s gonna kill her. not a fatality issue. i’m just a huge sap, and i think there’s something more symbolic about him shooting her in the heart for defending her love - her kids. (even tho all of this could have been avoided if she just lied, and then she’d actually be able to keep loving and supporting her kids, but, uh, i digress)

this moment really captured me when i was first watching, because for the first time, one piece truly felt dark. this wasn’t just an upsetting backstory. it had some element of gore here, which i’m not sure would be as effective if he went through with a headshot. they might have censored it a bit more.

more (slightly gruesome) photos and analysis beneath the cut 👀

look at what they got away with here!! this was early one piece mind you, so i feel like things were generally a little cushier? (or maybe that’s just my nostalgia talking XD) but the harsh black and white contrast, the utter silence during this scene, the speed in which this happened! (it was a pain to pause and scrub and get good screenshots, let me add). i will say i’m not up to date with current OP shenanigans, but to me, this seems like one of the most abrupt and brutal deaths in the series. (and this doesn’t even put into account the horrid beating she got beforehand)

there are some nice parallels here between her death and rosinante’s, (most notably her last words being “i love you” to nami and nojiko, and a flintlock as the weapon of choice), but even then, i think this is a bit nastier. seven little bullets in a 10ft tall man is painful, yes, but it wasn’t gruesome, and he managed to cling onto life for a little while afterwards. this was just. bang. done. heart – gone. leaves the viewer totally reeling.

in a way i feel like it’s almost an honor for bell-mère to get such a violent death? okay hear me out i know that sounds crazy. she sacrificed herself for her kids and went out kicking and screaming (or standing solemnly, towards the end). she brought forth such a refreshing take on women in one piece. i mean, let’s not forget this scene:

she was gonna blow his brains out!! zero hesitation!! how many characters in this series, let alone women, would go through something like this? i get that different characters have different honor codes and such, but it was sooo incredibly invigorating to see a woman get her hands dirty like this.

so by that logic, it’s kind of weirdly nice to see her not be treated like a little doll? this is highly speculative though, because i’ve noticed there’s this rather annoying trend where women are used as a moral compass for villains. “oh, look how deplorable arlong is, he did that to a young pretty woman!” we see the same thing with doflamingo, for instance, in his “fight” with viola. “oh how heinous, he threw her to the ground! how disrespectful! she’s just an innocent princess!” yeah, ugh. getting off tangent here

this whole scene set a standard for me, (and hopefully other viewers), who kind of saw the series as a fun lighthearted pirate adventure. yes, there was tragedy and sadness before this arc, before this backstory, but something about this moment in particular made my perception tremble. the bar was raised! a compelling character and backstory can have a truly harrowing ending!! a delightful revelation for me, for whatever reason XD

feel free to chime in if ya got any additional comments or takes on the matter. i don’t think bell-mère gets enough love. if you do wanna chime in, just um. be nice. i’m not the sharpest knife in the drawer, okay. and multiple interpretations of these scenes are valid! i’d love to hear ‘em! <3

#one piece analysis #because i’m upset and i need to distract myself #this is my first proper unprompted analysis too so go easy on me #i just like the tangerine lady #i think she’s neat #bell mere #bell mère #bellemere one piece #bellemere #she has so many tags #arlong park

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riddles-n-games · 3 months ago

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A.M. Analysis-Jameson and Grayson

One great song from 1D’s fifth album is the title song itself, A.M. Although I knew the words before, after entering my TIG era, I related to the song differently. It reminded me of that scene in The Hawthorne Legacy where Grayson and Jameson were in Arizona waiting to meet with Grayson's father. The chorus of the song and second verse resonate most with Jamie and Gray's brotherhood, the overall mood of the scene, their shared reminiscence of childhood nostalgia, and the underlying tension due to their current and past problems.

Chorus Won't you stay 'til the A.M.? All my favorite conversations Always made in the A.M. Cause we don't know what we're saying We're just swimming round in our glasses And talking out of our asses Like we're all gonna make it (yeah, yeah)

The chorus sounds exactly like Grayson questioning what they’re doing when he caught himself smiling (refer to The Hawthorne Legacy bonus POVs). That scene from Jameson’s perspective gave off the feeling that the last time he and Gray actually enjoyed being in each other’s company was quite a while ago. But here, in this hotel room, in the middle of the night, for once, they’ll make do. “An honorary Vegas” as JLB puts it. They talked about random stuff, they made fun of each other, they laughed at themselves, the drinks loosened their tongues and hidden truths came out. As they say, a drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts. And in the end, only the two of them would know other than Avery.

Second Verse Feels like this could be forever right now Don't wanna sleep cause we're dreaming out loud

This part kind of bleeds into a continuation of the Drink or Dare scene since the lines kind of sound like the endless waiting that the two of them experienced as Sheffield Grayson took forever to come. And then the second line projects this secret inner want to keep holding onto the moment because as Jameson states, they don’t do this, not anymore. Now would be the time to savor this brotherly bonding moment because they would go back to their regular lives right after.

Trying to behave but you know that we never learned, how You and me were raised in the same part of town Got these scars on the same ground Remember how we used to kick around just wasting time?

These last four lines are the perfect summary of Gray and Jamie’s childhood. They were raised by their grandfather, played the same games, learned the same lessons in different ways, got hurt, etc. It sounds a lot like the last part of the chapter when Jameson is admitting in his own way that he still cares about Grayson. At the end of the day, I think that scene just showcases that both of them desperately miss those times but their pride, oh that stubborn Hawthorne, male ego thing called pride won’t let them. But I also believe it gives us the audience the underlying sense that this is a shifting point, that things will change and the future is bright because they aren’t done. Right now they are at a standstill and maybe the ball won’t roll immediately but it will and they will learn to be those brothers again.

Anyways, that's the end of my analysis. Whoo, got something out my longstanding drafts done. Yay. Also, here's a link to the Hawthorne Legacy bonus POVs if you want to read them yourself:

#grayson davenport hawthorne #grayson hawthorne #jameson winchester hawthorne #jameson hawthorne #hawthorne brothers #tig anecdote #tig analysis #the inheritance games thoughts #song lyrics #a.m.#one direction #1d #the inheritance games #the hawthorne legacy #tig #thl

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my-name-is-jefferooni · 9 months ago

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Alright. Here’s a giant IDW Silver analysis that has been quite a while in the making. Prepare yourself.

WOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOO I AM FINALLY GETTING TO THIS HUNK OF AN ANALYSIS AFTER PROBABLY A MONTH OR SO OF STALLING. For context, here’s the reblog where I mentioned I’d one day analyze Silver’s character in the IDW comics:

And now here is a disclaimer:

This is gonna be a huge, gigantic, mongo beast of an analysis! I don’t know how rushed the ending will be and I don’t know how many images will be included, because I took a lot, and I mean A LOT of screenshots! There is so much material to work with here, and I didn’t even include the annuals! So please, make yourself comfortable, grab a snack and some water, and enjoy the read! It’s most likely gonna be my longest one yet!

Oh and also there are gonna be some pretty big spoilers for the IDW Sonic comics so be sure to read it all before reading this. It’s all connected…

Now, without further ado, let’s get on with the show! Finally…!

———

Bruh. Before we even meet the guy, we can tell what kind of person Silver is. Before Sonic can land a hit on the robot, Silver cuts in, smashing the bot to pieces. And to me, the way he does it isn’t meant to be some basic way of taking out a badnik. When rereading the issue to get some good Silver material, I noticed how everything from the torso and onwards is smashed to pieces by Silver, whereas the rest of the robot is left just chilling on the ground. To me, this is Silver just neutralizing what is actually a threat, the blades, and taking notice of what is the threat and getting rid of it easily. First panel and we already see his perception skills in action!

We see more of it not too much later on in the issue when Sonic is pointing out what kind of powers were used to kill off the other badnik. Silver is leaning in closely, drinking in every words Sonic says, as if he’s learning some secret sensei technique or something! Silver is learning from Sonic about different wispon types and learning how to be more perceptive. Overall, Silver just likes to learn!

This part of his character makes a huge impact on himself as a whole! Silver is anything if not eager and naive, and that shows in a lot of what he does and the expressions he makes.

This is also where his admiration for Whisper comes into play. Silver adores Whisper at the start of his time in the comic, and aspires to be just like her as well as everyone else one day! She even saved his life! Why wouldn’t he wanna be like her?? All of this just shows how young and naive the white hedgehog is, and how much he truly doesn’t know. Silver doesn’t know how plants grow, he doesn’t know how people work, he doesn’t know anything! And this is where his obvious lack of social interaction comes in.

Silver spent a majority of his life without anyone to look up to. (Assuming the events of 06 did not take place and he really was on his own) He didn’t have any parents, no family, no friends, no home, nothing! The poor boy was completely on his own in a charred, desolate world full of nothing but despair. And throughout that time, he was almost helpless to stop it all. Silver knew there were still people out there in his time, knew there were people just trying to survive, and all he could do was take care of himself. He was starving, cold, and alone. No one came to save him because he could never save them.

This all grows inside Silver’s gut until it becomes just a big, ugly blob of loneliness. All his life, Silver desperately wanted, needed someone to be there for him, needed someone to hold him and tell him it’d all be okay. He needed a savior. So, to mask his insecurities, he finds saviors in Blaze, Sonic, and Whisper.

Yeah yeah, I know. Just shut up and we’ll get back to this in a moment.

All three of these characters saved Silver’s life at one point or another. Shadow did too technically, but we’re focusing on the IDW timeline here and Shadow hardly interacts with Silver in this comic so we won’t be talking much about him. ANYWHIZZLE, Silver holds these three in high regard, and looks up to them. He considers Blaze his first ever friend, (And as a Silvaze shipper I see them as an item) thinks of Sonic as a legendary hero, and sees Whisper as his Guardian Angel. All people whom he only knows due to his time traveling abilities. If he didn’t have the means to do time travel, he would never know these people and thus would never have any friends or family. He wouldn’t have any hope. And that’s why the connections Silver makes with others creates such a big part of his personality and it’s why he feels so “Off” in 06, because back in that nonexistent reality he only had Blaze. He had something, but it was hardly enough to keep him alive.

However, just like all of us, when you leave such insecurities to boil in your gut for such a long time, when you leave it to rot for so long, it eventually just kinda. Blows up on you. In your face. In front of everyone.

I don’t have many good examples without going into the next section so this is all you’ll get for now

Silver is a young, naive, complicated fool. He has so many things whirling around in his head all at once and it’s suffocating him. He doesn’t want to ruin anything for himself or for others, so he bottles everything up in hopes that it’ll all end up fine in the end. But when it does eventually explode on himself, he can’t help but make things worse for everyone else.

Take his short time with the Diamond Cutters, for example. He was dealing with a lot at the time, trying to juggle the stress of knowing his own time is safe while also wondering why he’s even back in the past. He doesn’t know what to do, and that all comes to a head when he suspects the worst about Duo. His suspicions are correct as we all know, but he doesn’t know that, and neither do the Diamond Cutters. He makes a mess of the Restoration HQ just to try and prove a point, which gets him booted from the team, and he can’t do anything afterwards except sulk in his garden.

In short, Silver tends to bottle up his emotions/problems until it all just explodes in his face and he then shuts down from all the intense feelings. He ends up confused, numb, and desperately needs guidance.

Now let’s move onto his power set, and OH BOY does this boy love to show off!

Silver is incredibly prideful in what he can do, and it most definitely shows when others praise him for it. However, there are some limits, and those limits are big!

Silver can only move things with his mind. It’s telekinesis, not pyrokinesis.

He needs to focus to be able to use his power.

Broski has auDHD

He also has anxiety

Welp. As you can see those are all some very big limitations.

When you have powers that can only function when you are focused and know what you’re doing, and when they also only work when you can see what you’re focusing on, well… It doesn’t really help you very much when you’re best friend and idol is a super speedy hedgehog that can go at Mach 7 if he feels like it. Silver’s insecurities combined with his anxiety and auDHD AND his survival instincts… They don’t mix too well. Don’t get it twisted though, he is still a master and psychokinesis and he uses his power shockingly well considering those circumstances. He can do so much cool shit with just his brain alone and it is insane! However, he can’t just do anything with it.

Just like what he says here! Haha~!

It also provides an explanation for this.

Silver just wasn’t focused during this time and was probably holding his own against a pretty big army of badnik already, so he wasn’t prepared for this funky little guy. Simple.

Now, back to his insecurities because YES THERE’S MORE. OF COURSE THERE’S MORE. THIS BOYO LIVED THROUGH AN APOCALYPSE FOR LIKE 13-14 YEARS OF HIS LIFE. OF COURSE THERE’S GONNA BE MORE.

Considering all these limitations and how quickly and easily Silver can lose focus, and also considering how young and naive he is, it’s safe to say Silver just can’t compare to all the others in the past.

Silver is always constantly comparing himself to them, always pushing himself to do better, digging himself into a rut deeper than the abyss. He looks up to all these people like they are more powerful than him, like they matter more than him, and that leads to him getting hurt more often than not.

LIKE. JUST. I KNOW THEY WERE LOW ON STAFF BUT JUST READ THAT AND TELL ME THAT DOES NOT SOUND LIKE A CASE OF IMPOSTER SYNDROME. LOOK AT ME DEAD IN THE EYES AND TELL ME THAT. POOR SILVER.

This all comes to a head though in the battle between Silver and… Uh… Whatever the depressed guy is called, the depresso Zeti guy.

In this fight, Silver is going up against someone who can only see the bad in people, who can only see a world of bleakness and despair. Depresso hates anything that is joyful, despises anything good in life, and only wants to see people be as sad as him. He’s a petty, pathetic loser.

But at one point, Silver was just like him.

Look at this and tell me this doesn’t give off the same vibes as the fight scene lol

But yeah! Silver was once as hopeless and depressed as Depresso over there! He had no hope for the future, had no way of knowing if anything was gonna be alright, had no one to look up to… Safe to say he was most likely worse than Depresso! But due to his age and the knowledge that there were still people out there, still families wandering in groups hoping for daybreak, he held onto what little hope he had left. He probably ended up saving a few people and they thanked him, and that probably gave him the push he needed to keep dreaming. Just as his own song Dreams of an Absolution suggests!

“Struggle, wriggle, writhe and cry! You can’t escape, you’ll soon be mine.”

That sounds like a certain someone’s depression talking~! And when Silver first attacks Depresso and says “I can be direct! Cover me!” That is Silver’s way of saying “I can’t do much against my own emotions without being upfront and blunt about it, but I also accept your help in fending them off. Will you help me if I accept such help??”

And when Depresso asks, “How can you be so disgustingly heroic and selfless??” Well, Silver responds with this:

“Because I have faith in others. I believe things will get better… And because I have a Guardian Angel watching over me!”

Silver got better, managed to fend off those dark thoughts that plague Depresso, because he is able to look up to people. He is so young and eager to learn that he doesn’t see anything bad in having faith in others and asking for help. He’s prideful in what he can do, but unlike Sonic and Shadow, his pride and insecurity doesn’t overshadow his willingness to learn and get help from others.

———

AND MAN. I WOULD ADD SO MANY MORE IMAGES IN THIS IF TUMBLR ALLOWED IT SO I WILL SAVE THE REST OF THIS ANLYSIS FOR A PART TWO.

Why? Well, because we’re literally on the very cusp of the ending for this thing (Finally) and I can’t just end this giant analysis off without adding any funny Silver pics! So please be patient while I come up with a part two for this whole thing. Such a shame I can’t add more images for now, but this will have to do.

THANK YOU SO SO MUCH FOR READING THIS GIANT-ASS POST. I KNOW IT TOOK YOU FOREVER TO GET HERE, AND I COMMEND YOU GREATLY FOR FINISHING THIS. Part two will be out soon hopefully so stay tuned for that!

#blog/ask stuff #my shitty rambles #silver the hedgehog #idw silver the hedgehog #sonic idw #IDW sonic comics #idw sonic spoilers

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chelastuff · 1 year ago

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The Big Alchael Meta Post

So, I'm obsessed with Alchael. I think it started as joke, but like my relationship with YIIK, it progressed to a point where I could no longer pretend it was ironic.

I’ve made Alchael related metas before, but none of them really cover everything I wanna say about them. Because of that, I figured it would be easier to just make one giant Alchael meta analysis that goes over everything in one place.

Sometimes, I’ll half-jokingly say things like “Alchael is canon and the most important relationship in YIIK”. While it’s true that it’s a joke and hyperbolic, I do think that there is some real strong evidence that Alex is into Michael in a way that goes beyond platonic affection, and that Alex’s obsession with Michael is massively important to the plot. If you’re totally new here, you’re probably wondering where I’m even getting this from, especially since a lot of people’s impression of Michael is that he’s there for comic relief early in the story, but he becomes irrelevant after a certain point only to come back when Proto-Michael happens. But in this post, I’m gonna lay out my reasoning and begin to unravel some of the Alchael related layers in the story. Also, it’s solely going to be focused on 1.25 - so no I.V stuff (I will probably have more to say on them after it comes out, but that will be its own post).

I. Background

I’m gonna start by hitting you with some general background knowledge in case you aren’t super deep into the meta-conversation and theorizing surrounding YIIK, so here it goes:

Alex, being an unreliable narrator, changes aspects of the narrative to suit his own delusions and wants. Alex presents the story as taking place in 1999, but it actually takes place in 2016. Similarly, Alex claims that he is 26 and Michael is 19, when Michael is actually older than Alex.

The biggest evidence of this comes in the form of the ONISM post “Weird game a QT’s brother made”, where Michael describes “seeing this girl” and playing a game made by her kid brother. Allison is Alex’s older sister, so if the girl in the story is Allison, it would mean Michael is around Allison’s age, making Michael the older one. The post would also indicate that Michael’s primary relationship was with Allison, not Alex.

Of course, all of this is very different from what we actually see in the game, and I think once we figure out what changes were made and why, it can be very revealing. Michael, instead of being Allison’s friend, is now recast as Alex’s best friend. Instead of being his actual age, he’s permanently stuck at 19, studying for the SATs forever. And importantly - Allison is completely gone from the picture, totally erased from the narrative aside from a few references to her. The fact that she was the one who Michael’s primary relationship was with is gone completely. Alex effectively erased Allison from the story in order to take her place - and this place was Michael’s romantic interest.

II. Nubile

So, given that Michael in YIIK is effectively fulfilling a fantasy/delusion of Alex, I think it’s worth pointing out some lines that are kind of… strange, and in my opinion, are further evidence that Alex’s obsession with Michael goes beyond simply wanting to be his friend. Mainly, I want to point out this exchange:

(footage source)

For those who don’t know, the definition of nubile is “(of a young woman) sexually attractive” or “(of a young woman) sexually mature; old enough for marriage”. Haha, funny joke right? Michael is using a word to describe an attractive woman, but he’s not a woman! How unexpected!

I’ll circle back to the nubile thing in a bit, but for now I actually wanted to point out something else about these lines. If we assume that the relationship that we see between them in YIIK actually represents what Alex wishes it could be, it’s strange that Michael still delivers lines that are mocking Alex in this way, isn't it? It’s also interesting that Michael’s go-to insult is often calling attention to Alex’s body, and that in this case, he uses this to point out just how attractive he is in comparison. The comparison isn’t even solely about fat shaming Alex here - the use of the word “nubile” is pretty explicitly making it about being more sexually attractive than Alex.

The game calls back to the “nubile” joke in the next scene:

I almost feel like I’m being redundant with my analysis at this point, but, like, come on. Now Alex is the one pointing out Michael’s relative attractiveness, and Michael just straight up nonchalantly agrees with him! Sure, this is the kind of joke flirting that wouldn’t be out of the ordinary between friends, but once again keep in mind that all of this is being presented to you through Alex’s filtered lens, which is why I believe that it highlights the specific belief of Alex's that Michael is more attractive than him. With the use of the word "nubile", it makes it specifically about Michael’s sexual desirability and compares him to a woman! It’s stuff like this that really makes me doubt that Alex just innocently wants to be Michael’s friend, and makes me think there’s some other stuff going on here.

III. ONISM / Obsession

Now, I want to jump all the way to the near end of the game to highlight a monologue that happens right before the New Years Eve segment, wherein Alex reflects on his past with Michael, how they fell apart, and the inconsistencies within his own story. I highly encourage you to watch this scene and the monologue yourself, especially since I see a lot of people glaze over it in let’s plays, due to the sheer amount of (seemingly irrelevant) detail that it has. Here is a link.

The first thing I want to point out is just how much about his meeting with Michael that Alex remembers and is able to recite in excruciating detail. With how much Alex is able to go on and on, we are shown how many details he remembers about the summer Michael moved in and the house he lived in. I don’t think anything in the game is described in as much detail as Alex describes Michael’s house. Yet, when it comes to remembering how old Michael was when he moved in or moved away, and what year he moved away, Alex contradicts himself multiple times. I believe that the reason why he’s stumbling over himself when it comes to the timeline is because Alex’s timeline is wrong. I think It might even be an instance where he knows he’s lying, and he’s scrambling to cover his lie.

Then, Panda reminds Alex that he and Michael had “a falling out”. The details of this are fuzzy, but it seems to involve Alex traveling to Canada to meet Michael and ultimately being stood up. Although, I think it’s very possible that the actual reason they “fell out” happened before this, and Alex is omitting those details. I find it pretty wild how obsessed Alex must be in order to fly to another country just to try and fail to rekindle his relationship with Michael.

However, it seems even after this “falling out” happened, Alex never actually got over Michael. Not only does Alex wish for a world where Michael is 19 forever and thus never leaves him, he also remains a regular visitor of his website, ONISM. In fact, it’s Alex’s obsession with Michael’s creation that sets the stage for the entire plot. It’s how Alex discovers Semi’s disappearance, and where he gets the basis for the version of her (Sammy) that he creates in his head. This is one of the main reasons why I say that Alchael is the most important relationship in YIIK.

I.V. Losing My Religion

Throughout the game, you receive phone calls from someone who calls himself “your best childhood friend” and who is very heavily implied to be Michael. In one of these calls, he describes listening to “Losing My Religion” with Alex.

The song is also brought up in the monologue before New Years Eve that I mentioned already:

So, it seems like Losing My Religion is a song associated with Alex and Michael’s relationship. Given this, is it possible that we can learn about them from the meaning of the song? Michael Stipe, who wrote the lyrics of the song, has consistently said in interviews that the song is not literally about religion, but rather about a narrator who has unrequited love for someone else, and loses his composure in front of them. He even referred to it as a “classic obsession song” in two separate interviews.

Now, it’s worth noting that the timeline that is being presented in those screencaps actually makes zero sense. Losing My Religion became a hit in 1991, but if the game takes place in 2016, Alex should have been born around 1990. For this to make sense, Alex would have to have been listening to Losing My Religion with Michael when he was one year old, and with how vividly Alex remembers the summer that Michael moved in, I just don’t find that very likely. In my personal opinion, I think what’s more likely is that this is an extension of Alex’s main character syndrome. If you’re the main character of reality, a song is a hit when you listen to it the most. If this is true, it means that Alex was repeatedly listening to a song about unrequited love and losing your cool around a person you’re obsessed with right around the time that he met Michael. Very interesting! On a related note, when I was researching the meaning of Losing My Religion for this meta, I came across a Michael Stipe quote where he said “I've always felt the best kinds of songs are the ones where anybody can listen to it, put themselves in it and say, 'Yeah, that's me.’”, which kind of blew me away because this is exactly what Alex does with all media, so it would make perfect sense if he did it with Losing My Religion as well.

With that, I'm going to end the analysis here. Although this covers pretty much everything I wanted to say about the Alchael implications in the base game, I get the feeling I'm probably going to have more to say about them when I.V comes out. I also may write some more YIIK metas on other topics, so let me know if you'd like to see that. Until then, thanks for reading!

#yiik #yiik meta #alchael

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mellorphic · 1 year ago

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In Defence of c!Niki - a Four Part Analysis of Every Arc

People who didn’t watch C!Niki see, in the fandom, a big sister type character with girlboss energy who wants to kill a child. Niki isn’t that. She has a well-written narrative which focusses a lot on her relationships with others.

PART ONE: c!Niki’s Early Days

PART TWO: c!Niki’s Rebellion

PART THREE: c!Niki’s Disillusionment

PART FOUR: c!Niki’s Healing (you are here)

With the nuke plot to kill Tommy and everything that happened post-Doomsday, things seem bleak in terms of Niki’s character. But despite her words and her feelings, her actions show the audience that she does truly have some trust, some hope, some love, left inside of her. Buried deep down.

After all - she still wears Wilbur’s cloak. Despite all of her talk, and how much Niki blames him for a lot of things, it’s obvious that deep down she doesn’t really believe he’s the root of all evil. She still cares about him and misses him, otherwise she wouldn’t wear his cape.

Like Tommy, Wilbur is another scapegoat for Niki’s anger and pain. But she doesn’t actually hate him. She never did.

She was conflicted but she still loved him, she still cared about him, and it’s completely healthy and perfectly fine for her to have mixed feelings. It’s good that she’s not pushing it away and that she’s processing it. Her anger is justified, even if Wilbur hurting her wasn’t his goal.

HBomb and Niki were close, especially in Manberg, and when he tells her that he’s leaving the SMP, Niki asks for some way to keep in contact. She still values the people who have been kind to her, holds them in high regards and has attachments and trust towards them, no matter how much she may claim she doesn’t trust or care for anybody.

That stream was also when Techno offered for her to join the syndicate, but she doesn’t immediately except the offer, saying she’ll get back to him and speaking to her chat (writing in her diary).

N: I don’t trust anyone, y’know, I don’t know if I can trust Technoblade. But he seems like he’s one of- y’know, the most, I guess, hurt people by Tommy? Because he did get betrayed by Tommy.

As an inniter main I do have to say that I personally don’t believe that Tommy betrayed Techno but it is understandable why Niki, who had no idea about what happened in Tommy’s exile or what he was doing with Techno, would believe this to be true, especially as the narrative of him betraying Techno fits with what she believes of Tommy.

But that isn’t the part I want to talk about in terms of her healing - she may not trust Techno but she has compassion and empathy for him and what he’s gone through. That part of Niki is still in there, even if she doesn’t realise, and it shows she isn’t beyond healing.

Despite everything, it’s still you, and all that.

A lot of Niki’s time in early season three was spent in her Secret City, turned Secret Library, where she was on her own and didn’t want to go outside, with insomnia and night terrors when she did sleep. But while building, she had a lot of time to reflect on her feelings and actions, and began to distance herself slightly from Jack’s plans to murder Tommy. She was of course still friends with him, but she was realising that killing Tommy wasn’t what she wanted and coming to terms with the fact that it wasn’t his fault.

When she was on her way to meet Techno, ready to join the syndicate, she talked about him in her diary.

N: i don’t actually want to kill Tommy. He.. he’s just a child, and in the end it’s not his fault. It’s not Tommy’s fault that Wilbur left me, and it’s not Tommy’s fault that he… Wilbur… <sigh>… Wilbur- it’s not his fault! It’s not Tommy’s fault, and it’s not anyone’s fault, y’know? And I feel I’ve made myself a lot of.. a lot of enemies with that. So I wanna make it up.

Her ability to recognise her wrongdoings shows so much progress. I literally love her.

And she joined the Syndicate because she was finally able to see that there were people on the server who wanted her around. I don’t like some writing choices of most characters in the syndicate but I do think that in character this was the healthiest choice for c!Niki to make - she felt genuinely seen and heard by those in the syndicate and she’d trusted Ranboo for a long time, who wasn’t formally there when she joined but she thought he was.

It’s important for Niki to have that because she still finds herself frustrated with people who she thought she was close to, that don’t speak to her.

N: I-I don’t know what’s with Puffy, Puffy-.. hasn’t talked to me. She-she just doesn’t talk to me, she doesn’t talk to me! And I can’t deal with it anymore when everyone’s just not talking to me!

Puffychu. I miss you.

At the same time she has a lot of internal conflict about joining.

N: am I sure I want to do this? Am I- do I- am I sure I want to do this? Oh, I don’t know.. I don’t know.. I don’t know what to do.. I’ve never actually spoken to Ph- wasn’t- wait, no, wait- Ph- Phil was the person who killed Wil. Wh-wai- what am I doing here?! Wait. <laughs> am I sure I want to do this..?

….Remember when she made a promise? She still has her loyalty. Niki is still as loving as she always was, she still cares for Wilbur as much as she always did. It didn’t change.

N: on one side, Phil was the person who killed Wil, on the other side.. Wil was already long gone. The Wilbur I know, he was long gone. The Wilbur Phil killed blew up L’Manberg, and that’s- that’s where it all went wrong. So- yes, yes I want to do this.

Niki didn’t change, it was just the circumstances around her that changed, and now she’s taking the power back by surrounding herself with people who care about her and distancing from things that hurt her. Unfortunately people often have to take responsibility for a healing process they never should’ve had to go through in the first place. That’s exactly what Niki is doing and she never should have needed to but it’s great that she is.

N: … I will finally have a place to go again, right?

Throughout Niki’s time on the server she has always been the person to put her differences with people aside. It first happened with Eret and it happened with Techno and Jack and now Phil.

Niki’s Syndicate Code Name is Nemesis, based on the Greek Goddess of Retribution. People say she’s just a Goddess of Revenge but it’s a lot more like Justice, she often punished people for their hubris, an example being Narcissus. I love this for her and the context to it relating to her Manberg arc and it fits because she has a strong moral compass. While a lot of people connect this to the rocket duo arc I think it’s important to also look at it in the context of her past and it shows that she’s definitely reconnecting with that, compared to before where she wanted to push it away.

When she learnt Wilbur was revived, Niki was angry. She was upset he hadn’t come to speak with her after it had already been a few weeks and she was worried that he was planning something. Niki said a lot about manipulation and how she wasn’t going to be manipulated again and hoped that Tommy, Tubbo and Jack wouldn’t get manipulated either which shows us how she felt about the things that happened on November 16th - again, she trusted him not to blow it up, she literally hid the TNT from everyone else because that’s how much she trusted him.

I don’t actually think she was manipulated by Wilbur but it’s clear that at this point in time she felt like he must’ve manipulated her into trusting him.

But Niki was given a lot of time to reflect between that and when Wilbur actually spoke to her. And it’s clear she had been reflecting because the conversion she had with Jack after Dream escaped also tells us she’s come a long way.

Before we get there, though, this stream itself shows she’s been reflecting on things, too.

N: I’m not gonna blame it on Techno, I’m not gonna blame it on other people again because I always did that! I always blamed your mistakes and your betrayal and you hurting me on other people, <goes through nether portal to her Secret Library> and look where it got me. It got me nowhere.

When the syndicate got Dream out of the prison, Niki was not doing that for him. She was doing it to help Techno because of his favour, and to help Ranboo. The fact that it resulted in Ranboo’s last death had Niki distraught.

N: Dream had a favour, he held a favour over Techno.

J: Great! That’s between them.

N: but he’s my friend!

J: wasn’t I? Wasn’t everyone?

N: You’re still my friend, Jack!

J: do you have any idea where I’ve been? At all? For the past, like, three months?

N: no, I was waiting..

She’s gone from saying she doesn’t trust anyone and doesn’t want to be involved with anyone to actually being able to admit that she still cares about people and that they’re her friends.

J: it was fine that no-one else came, but you were the one person that agreed with me on things. You were the only person-

N: but how was I supposed to find you? Because you just disappeared. You disappeared out of nowhere.

J: but did you even try?

N: no. I didn’t. I didn’t..

She doesn’t beat around the bush - she admits it, and she sounds genuinely sorry for it, but she’s also telling him that he did hurt her too. Him leaving was exactly what everyone else did but Niki’s not angry this time.

N: why does it have to be like that? Why can’t we all-

J: it doesn’t have to be like that! But it can’t not be like that here. We can’t change the ay this place works. And that’s why I left.

N: why not? Why can’t we change this place?

J: what happened when we tried to make change, Niki?

N: …I know. I just think, I wanna give people a second chance, Jack.. and I want you to be here with me, giving people a second chance.

She’s regained her optimism and her hope, and I think the syndicate and the time she’s spent reflecting is why. Niki is genuinely opening herself up again, metaphorically in the sense of her being ready to let people in and give them second chances, but also physically, leaving the Secret Library more often to spend time with the Syndicate.

N: I had to help my friends. These are the people that took me in when I had nobody.

J: you know you could’ve always came to me.

N: you were away.

I love rocket duo sm.

And back to Wilbur. When he finally came to see her, Niki said everything she wanted to say to him, everything she needed to say, and heard him out when he spoke - and finally, Niki got her apology. That was all she wanted, and after that it was like they were back to how they were before, just goofing around. Niki got back what she’d missed. People wanted her to beat him up but I never understood why, because not only has Niki never been a character to use physical violence, she also never hated Wilbur as much as people make it out like she did. She was hurt, of course, but she never really hated him.

While we’re here.

N: why did you never come back?

W: … I was sick.

During Niki’s finale we see the full extent of her healing process. She’s able to have fun with Phil and bake with him, and able to immediately trust Kristin upon meeting her, and she hasn’t been able to trust anyone that quickly since the start of L’Manberg.

Niki is a character whose healing process meant getting back to a place emotionally that she was in before the trauma she experienced but as a final note I’d like to say that this isn’t the only way to heal and it’s not the only valid one. For a lot of people, getting back to the place they were in before their trauma is impossible and that doesn’t mean they haven’t healed, it just means they’ve grown in a different way.

The effect Niki’s trauma had on her was that it didn’t bring any change to who she really was, it just made her hide behind walls and anger and defense mechanisms. Her healing process meant breaking those things down and the Niki underneath was still the same.

Of course, the finale left her with many loose ends but that’s okay. People have loose ends. It’s more realistic for not everything to be tied up in a nice bow, especially when endings are a cause of an abrupt event like the server reset that meant she didn’t have time to tie things up. This is how things happen in real life too - most endings aren’t planned for.

Overall I think she’s an underrated character with a big heart and a character arc that shows cc!Niki’s potential as an actress and a writer, as well as a personality that brings a lot to the world of the Dream SMP canon as a whole.

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