#i actually started quite a few of these a while ago
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annie-creates · 1 day ago
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I choose my loyalties
Pairing: Garrick Tavis x reader
Genre: fluff with a bit of angst
Words: 2400
Note: A lovely story written for the @empyreanevents Garrick week prompt Loyalty. I love this one and might write one more for the free day. Let me know what you think.
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Loving you was easy. In fact, it was the most simple thing Garrick Tavis has ever done. It started what felt like ages ago, but actually was only three years, back in your shared second year at Basgiath. His best friend Xaden was still as broody as ever but you, you brought an exciting breeze of fresh air he didn’t quite notice the year before. It actually started at the sparring mat.
“You better not pick up fights you can not finish, sweetheart,” he teased you after you asked him for a training match.
“I can finish you anytime, don’t even need my fists for that,” you fired back.
Falling into a rhythm with you was so easy Garrick didn’t even notice how invested he was and how intertwined his life became with yours at first. You studied together, trained together, spent free Sundays over lunch talking about your hobbies and interests. Only after Xaden gave him a stern talking to about how dangerous it is to get involved with someone who isn’t marked did he realize how much of his life did you take up now. But he didn’t mind. He actually liked having you around.
You made it official as something more after almost a year, with a kiss on the flight field under the spring moonlight. Squad battles were just a week away so you decided it would be best to train some maneuvers together, trying to shake each other off your dragons. The two beasts stood looming over you like an arch of excited growling, both spurring you on to finally take the step you were equally excited and scared about.
“You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen,” Garrick whispered, looking into your starlit eyes before connecting his lips with yours. “You better make it out safe.”
“I’m not going anywhere, I promise,” you swear. “I’ll be careful, so you better be too.”
Both of you made it through squad battles and war games almost without a scratch that year and the few free weeks after that you enjoyed celebrating in each other’s company. You kissed under the shade of trees in the fields and talked long into the night in your bed, sharing stories and fantasies of the life before and the life ahead. Garrick told you about his parents and you shared exciting news your family wrote to you in letters.
Your third year was harder though. Not only were you now burdened with harsher training and tasks, you were occasionally sent out for outposts to support their defenses. You had to go for weeks not seeing each other at times, and when you finally had the chance to, it seemed like Xaden always needed Garrick for something. And what was worse, once he didn’t get through to Garrick to make him leave you, he apparently recruited their other marked friends who joined the quadrant now to hate you too.
Any time you even just set with your boyfriend at breakfast or exchanged glances at passing, you always spotted at least one of Xaden’s puppets glaring at you. You didn’t mind too much, sure, they were Garrick’s friends, so it bothered you a bit, but he always assured you that they’re just unfriendly to anyone and they’ll warm up to you eventually. But eventually didn’t come even almost a year later when Xaden was dating Violet, the literal unmarked daughter of General Sorrengail, and they weirdly accepted her into their circle, even protected and trained her, while you were still on the black list.
“Don’t worry about them, who cares what they think,” Garrick comforted you the night Imogen gave you an ugly black eye in sparring just for looking her way for too long.
“They are your closest friends,” you hide your face in his shoulder. “Don’t you care what they think?”
“Not about you,” he doubled down as he caressed your hair. “They don’t know you like I do.”
You didn’t mind his secret trips with Xaden you weren’t supposed to know about. You didn’t bet an eye when he sneaked into the room in the early hours of the morning in full gear, didn’t question when he didn’t show up for dinner or missed a date here or there. He was a busy man, trying to help the marked kids survive their first year. You didn’t pay too much attention to Xaden and his group and in exchange he didn’t pay a lot of attention to you. You did however feel uncomfortable when the war games came around, and Garrick was supposed to leave with Xaden for his headquarters at Athebyne while you were going in the opposite direction with your squad.
“Hey, it’s gonna be okay, alright? Just like last year,” Garrick comforted you at the flight field.
“I don’t know Garr, I don’t want you to go that far,” you shook your head, feeling a little embarrassed for whining. “I want to go with you.”
“You’ll be safer at Keldavi. It’s just a week, and then all of this is going to be over,” he kisses you goodbye. “Meet you here in a week.”
The smile on your face that mirrors his fades away as Imogen smirks at you from the distance, taking your boyfriend over his shoulders and pressing close to him. You weren’t blind to her advances at your boyfriend, they just angered you more, but he didn’t even notice her. He always brushed your complaining aside because he never had eyes for anyone but you. But a lot can happen in a week.
The war games were cruel, hard, but doable. Your days were long and even at night you could never fully rest because another wing’s attack could come at any time. You doubted you’d be able to take your mind off things even if you tried to though, not until you saw Garrick again, alive and in one piece.
Which did not happen like he promised. You kept waiting in the flight field, and the whole day after, but no matter how vigilantly you watched the horizon Chradh’s brown wings were nowhere to be seen. When Panchek read his name off the death roll the next morning, you broke. Your eyes watered with tears and your best friend had to keep you standing. You couldn’t believe he was gone. The love of your life, the strongest man you ever knew, fell in battle and you couldn’t even be there with him.
But then he showed up. Xaden’s whole headquarters squad showed up, littered with cuts and bruises but otherwise fine, except for missing two marked riders. The moment Garrick left the dais with his missive in hand he hugged your waist lifting you off the ground, burying his face in your hair. You took him around his shoulders, hiding your own head in the crook of his neck.
“I thought you were gone,” you cry muffled by his flight jacket. “Oh god I thought you were gone.”
“I’m so sorry love,” he whispers, exhaustion dripping from each word. “I’m so fucking sorry.”
“What the hell happened out there?” You question, looking into his tired eyes.
“I… can’t really tell you,” he glanced to Xaden who was glaring at you but this time you didn’t care. “But I’m fine, I’m alive. I made it. We made it.”
“We made it,” you nod with a smile of relief.
“Where are you stationed?” he lets you go a little, one hand still wrapped around your waist.
“Montserrat. You?” You glance at your own sealed parchment.
“Samara. Guess they didn’t have much time to come up with something,” Garrick jokes.
“Guess not,” your heart sank at the thought of being separated again, which he noticed.
“Hey, it’s not that bad. We’ll have days off, we can visit each other,” he tries to lift your spirits.
You spent the next two days tangled together in bed, resting and occasionally going for some food. But even two days are too long for Xaden and he wants to get out of Basgiath as fast as possible. So Garrick naturally has to go with him. You were not happy saying goodbye so soon, but you could manage a few months apart, right? You’d exchange letters and visit, you’ll be fine.
For a while, you were great. The work at the outpost was hard and you fell into bed every night utterly exhausted. You got a letter from Garrick at least twice or three times a week, and you happily replied to each and every one. He had a lot of hard work too. The first time you got off after a month you spent the weekend at Samara, Xaden luckily gone to visit Violet at Basgiath. You couldn’t help but envy him for all the time he got off just because of a dragon mate bond.
After a while though you felt Garrick slipping away a little. He was less excited to see you, less interested in the things you had to say. After only three months you were lucky to get one letter a week and then he forgot you were coming to see him and left the outpost to do god knows what while you roamed his room alone. You couldn’t help but wonder if your relationship was actually this fragile, if the distance is what’s going to break you. Xaden and marked one’s squad couldn’t do it, but the separation actually might.
And then your outpost was raided with venin bodies and all hell broke loose. You were once again afraid for Garrick who was stationed miles away from you, until you found out he was part of Xaden’s rebellion and in on the plans from the start. You and a few of your squad mates left to go to Aretia, and you spent the whole flight contemplating what you’ll find there. Will Garrick even want to see you? Will he be preoccupied with someone else?
‘The strong one would never exchange you,’ your dragon assures you but you’re not so sure.
‘Maybe his priorities changed…’ You counter.
‘Nonsense. That man is absolutely smitten with you,’ but maybe after the years, the spell wore off.
When you arrived at Aretia the Bagiath students were already there, along with a few professors and a crowd of lieutenants from various outposts. The place was filled with chaos and buzzing with chatter. It took Garrick a few hours to find you, but once he spotted you, his hug was as strong as the first night you kissed or when you thought he died.
You tried to be open-minded, you really did. You believed what you were told and shown, you fell into the rhythm of the new rebellion. The danger of what would happen to you if you were captured as a traitor of Navarre and sentenced for treason hung over your head, but you ignored the feeling of displace. You felt yourself slipping form your place at Garrick’s side, finding yourself shifted down the list of priorities to the very bottom.
At first he didn’t notice your silence. You took to your new place without argue, didn’t say anything when he missed yet another dinner of didn’t come to bed at all at night. You still kissed him when he greeted you, even though he only pecked your cheek. You still waited for him to come home from a late-night patrol with a warm meal, even when he hardly ever ate it.
But Garrick wasn’t completely stupid. He noticed when you stopped protesting against his friends’ stupid remarks, when you quietly left the flight field when touching down first instead of waiting for him to join you. He started paying attention and found all the ways you removed yourself from aspects of his life to make it easier. And he hated it. That’s why he took you to watch the sunset from the highest tower, prying the reasons out of you.
“I don’t know why you’re still with me,” you admit. “I can’t compete with your friends and this place, it’s your home Garrick. I understand why you were keeping secrets but…”
“But you wish I trusted you with it,” he nods in understanding. “I wanted to, love, gods how much I wanted to tell you all about this. But Xaden was always against that, even Violet wouldn’t know if he didn’t have to take her here after war games.”
“Garrick it’s been three years, and he still hates me. He thinks you would be better of with someone of…” your kind you wanted to say, but it sounded so stupid. “Someone like Imogen, and maybe he’s right. She understands you, and your friends all like her.”
“I don’t care about any other woman, love,” Garrick states harshly. “I. Love. You. Noone else. I don’t care what anybody thinks, I’ll worship you like the fuckin queen you are.”
Before you can protest, your conversation is once again interrupted by Xaden with Bodhi and Imogen, all glaring daggers at you. They really couldn’t let you be for a single day, even for a few minutes with the man who held your whole life in his calloused hands.
“Garrick. We need to go,” Xaden states. “The drop can’t wait.”
“You guys can go without me,” your man shrugs.
“I told you to choose your loyalties,” The shadow wielder glares directly at you, and you feel his cold shadows coiling around your feet.
“Yes, and I choose my loyalty to my woman over all others,” Garrick thunders. “The three of you are enough to take care of the delivery. I need to spend some time with the sun of my life.”
“You can’t be serious?” Imogen argues incredulously.
“Oh I am absolutely serious. And you need to finally get it in that I belong nowhere but by the side of my girl,” he hugs your waist pressing you to his broad chest. “You better go or you’ll be late.”
With that he turns his back to them and you hear the three leave with grumbles of disagreement. They might give you even more shade after this, but you’ll gladly take it. Because Garrick stood by you, and he will always stand by you, no matter who he has to fight along the way. He’d wield all the wind in the air and cross the whole continent just to stand by you.
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serenadeonacanoe · 23 hours ago
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Untitled, 2025 (GD x OFC) Chapter 8: Fluff
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Pairing: G-Dragon/Kwon Jiyong x OFC Genre/Warnings: Slow Burn, Tour Life, fluffyfluff, yearning, eventual smut, 2014 ==> 2020 ==> 2025.
It’s 2025 and the King of K-Pop is back. He and his music are everywhere. On the charts, all over social media and smack in the middle of Maddie’s work schedule. Sometimes she still can’t believe this is her actual job now - documenting the chaos behind the scenes and trying to make sure no one on his team gets lost, bruised or accidentally starts a viral scandal.
What’s even harder to believe? That she and Jiyong met five years ago. Actually… scratch that. They met ten years ago too. Time has a weird sense of humor like that and things get blurry when you’re busy, nostalgic, and maybe just a little bit smitten. Also, life throws more daisies your way than you’d expect.
Part 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
More on AO3
Chapter 8 March 2020, Jiyong “Why don’t you ever call me when you’re sober?” Daisy had asked after she picked up. Her voice wasn’t sharp, just curious. And she had answered, after all, so it wasn’t an accusation. Still, Jiyong didn’t know how to respond right away.
She wasn’t wrong. Most of his calls came in the evenings, when the house was quiet and the wine had started to blur the edges. It wasn’t that he needed to be drunk to talk to her. But it made things easier. Gave him the courage to flirt, to say things he might not if his thoughts were crystal clear. He could be shy and then again bold, sometimes both. With her it took turns.
He had promised himself it wouldn’t go that far again. He’d written entire songs about how badly he’d fucked things up. Even that song was about her, in a way. She didn’t know, of course. And maybe it didn’t matter now. But still, he’d told himself not to get too close. Not again.
And yet, there he was.
When Daisy was around, even just on the screen, he liked who he was. As selfish as that sounded, wasn’t that what everyone wanted? To feel good? To be less tangled up in their own mind? Around her, he was less nervous, less restless, less full of noise. Still a mess maybe, but one that could believe in things again. She made him laugh. She challenged him, gently. She didn’t take bullshit. She was kind and driven and had the kind of face that made everything else fall quiet. Of course he liked her.
“Hm… never thought about it that way.” he murmured and pushed his wine glass aside. She gave a small smile. “It’s fine. I was just wondering.” “I don’t have a real answer. But… let’s not drink then tonight. Let’s just watch a movie or something. If you already ate?” She nodded and leaned back on her couch. “What are we watching?” “Your choice. Last one I picked. All up to you.”
Later, after she had fallen asleep - and after he had pretended to - Jiyong just stared at the camera for a while. He let out a quiet sigh, trying not to move too much just in case she wasn’t quite gone. She looked peaceful like that, curled up under her blanket, her laptop dimming the edges of her face.
It was probably still a bad idea. He hated that thought. Hated how it sat in his chest. The truth was, he wasn’t ready. Even after everything - the therapy, the journaling, the working on himself - some parts still felt fragile. And as much as he didn’t want to hurt her, he knew the odds. That knowledge made his heart ache more than he could say.
So, as gently as he could, he closed the laptop. The call ended. The screen went dark. Jiyong sat there in silence. Then reached for the wine glass again, trying not to think too much. Trying not to want what he knew he wasn’t supposed to touch.
March 2025 A couple of days have passed. “Soon” means something entirely different in G-Dragon world. Even though there are technically two whole weeks without much promotion, that doesn’t mean the machine isn’t running at full speed. Tour begins at the end of the month and everyone’s trying to prepare while also pretending to rest. Jiyong left for photoshoots a few days ago, mixed in with pre-recordings and who knows what else. It’s not publicised, so I’m not around and for once I actually had a few days off. I told myself I wouldn’t check the schedule. And yet. I’m here. At his apartment. Feeding his cats. And feeling just a little bit annoyed. When I first saw the message about the maid being sick, I didn’t think of the cats right away. But after a round of colleague messages, it became clear that they hadn’t been fed all day. With so many people around, it should’ve been a simple fix, but apparently not. Everyone’s either with Ji or out of town, or just… not responding. Someone suggested asking his mum, which made me protest and volunteer on the spot. Begrudgingly. So that’s how I ended up sitting on the kitchen floor, dishing out extra big portions for the beasts. “It’s not your fault.” I mutter while patting Iye. “You’re my favorite, but don’t tell the others.” I could have left already, but now that I’m here I’m tired and a little soft. It’s so quiet. Usually, I’m here for work and it’s chaos. Lights, voices, wardrobe racks rolling around. But right now the lights are low, the only sounds are the cats purring and the soft hum of floor heating. I look around. He didn’t live here yet back in 2020. But still, there are so many things I recognized when I first came here a couple months ago. Every corner, every piece of furniture, every soft absurd detail somehow screams Jiyong. And suddenly I miss him. Have missed him. He’s been sending cute texts, sure, but I want him back. Tomorrow we were supposed to hang out properly. Finally a night for just us. I keep thinking about it and it makes me almost giddy.
Then a door opens. Several voices. Luggage wheels. Commotion. I shriek and crouch like an idiot, assuming it’s an intruder. But no, it’s half the team. And Ji.
He slows when he sees me. Stops. His face softens, then folds into confusion. Maybe they hadn’t seen my message yet. Without a word, he drops to the floor next to me. He’s all focus, eyes on the cats. He’s furious. Quiet, contained, but furious. One of the managers thanks me quickly and asks if the cats are okay. I wave it off. “They’re fine.” Then it’s chaos. Bags, noise, coffee orders, checklists. People scrambling to reorganize whatever sudden change of plans brought them back a whole day early. And Ji? Ji doesn’t care. Not about the plan, not about the hour. These are his babies. He strokes them, one by one and I watch the tension flicker in his jaw. “Sorry” I murmur, eyes still down. “That wasn’t well organized.” “What? No… I mean, don’t apologize. It’s not your fault.” He looks up, surprised. I offer a small smile, not sure if he understands how much I mean it. He’s still fidgeting minutes later, his shoulders too tight, the furrow between his brows refusing to leave. “If you want to get out of here” I say gently “just let me know.” He hesitates. Looks at the cats. Then the team. The controlled storm that’s taking over his home. And then he nods. Quietly. Picks up a bag and gives a few instructions. Minutes later, we’re in my dingy little car, driving through the city night. Oh no. My apartment. This is so not what I planned for our first evening together. There’s laundry on the floor. I have nothing fun to drink. The vibe was supposed to be… curated. I was supposed to do the everything shower. Now I’m just in my cat-rescue clothes and sweatpants. But then I glance over. He’s staring out the window, profile shadowed under his hood. His hands are curled into fists in his lap. He looks small. Not weak, just worn down. Like he needs a pause. So I stop worrying about my place. “Hey. It’s okay now. They’re fine.” I reach over, gently touch his hand. He jumps slightly, pulled from whatever spiral he was in. For a second I think I shouldn’t have said anything, but then he takes my hand. Squeezes. Nods. We stay like that in silence until we pull into my building. He keeps his mask on, hood pulled low. Inside, I babble. “Okay, so… it’s small. Very small. And I wasn’t expecting company.” He touches my shoulder gently as he steps in behind me, calming me this time. “It smells like you.” he says softly. “Oh god, I should open a window.” “No. I mean… it’s nice. Like your laundry detergent and… you.” I look at the pile of clean clothes I never finished folding earlier and feel genuinely grateful for it. Better than the lingering scent of microwaved leftovers.
We’re both stiff. Neither of us knows exactly what to do with this sudden change in setting. Then he speaks. “Aish, I had such a vision for tomorrow.” I glance over, step closer. “What do you mean?” He smiles, slow and a little sheepish. “I had it all planned. Flowers. Food. A playlist. I knew what I wanted to wear…” His voice trails off like he’s embarrassed. “You made plans?” “Is that bad?” “No. It’s… super sweet.” He grins. “Well. I can be.” There’s a hint of shyness underneath his usual charm and it makes my chest ache in the best way. “We can still do all that tomorrow.” I say. “Like… the real date. Tonight doesn’t count. This is just… hiding.” “Hiding. I like that. Like we’re stealing time.” It’s a little cheesy. But it fits. I grin and kiss him. Finally. He smiles against my lips, one hand on my face, the other ghosting over my waist. He feels warmer now. Like the tension’s started to melt. His hair is wild beneath his hood, his lips soft and familiar.
“Thank you” he murmurs. “For looking after the kittens. I don’t know why but… I just lost it a bit on the way here.” I nod. I don’t fully get it. But I get him. He asks if he can take a shower and I use the time to panic-tidy. Dishes vanish into the washer. Laundry gets hidden. Fresh sheets go on the bed. I’m not done in time. He walks into my bedroom in just his boxers, wet hair in all directions and I practically combust. I thrust a sweater at him like it’s armor and he smirks because I’m being very obvious. The sweater says SLEEPY in giant letters. It’s a gift from my mum. Mortifying. But on him? A little too tight and adorable. He knows it, too. His tongue flicks across his lower lip when he sees my face. “I like it here.” he announces, tugging at the sleeves. “You do?” “I do.”
He helps me with the duvet cover, clumsily but with heart and then hugs me mid-task. The hug is so warm because of the blanket, I don’t even care about the abandoned bed sheet anymore. Later, over shared leftovers and even later brushed teeth, the nerves start to fade. This won’t be the night for sex. But when he flops into my bed and I see him nestled in my ridiculous flower sheets, all thoughts of worry vanish.
I slip in beside him. He opens his arms like it’s the most natural thing in the world. My heart feels like it beats out of rhythm, overwhelmed by something simple and quiet and good. “Please don’t feel weird about your place being smaller than mine.” He suddenly says, rather quietly. I nod against his chest.
I know he’s not just talking about the apartment. And I get it. I am cuddling a multi-millionaire right now and the thought alone is crazy, but I don’t want to compare myself to him in those regards. He can have as many pretty jewels as he wants. I am not really into them for myself so I don’t care about his either. But I really do care about HIM a lot.
Holding him like this feels like something rare. Something soft and needed. And maybe we didn’t plan any of this. But I think… we both needed to be exactly here. Almost shy, I glance up at him, trying to catch a glimpse of his pretty face without getting caught. It doesn’t work. He notices and when our eyes meet, his smile curls soft and slow, like it was waiting just for me. He leans in and kisses me gently. It’s not dramatic like the kiss in the snow, not heated like the one at the party. But it’s my favorite. Because I feel safe. Completely. Like I could breathe him in and exhale all the worry. Even as the kiss deepens, it never pushes past that line. We giggle against each other’s mouths. We kiss a bit more, then settle back into each other, watching the city drift from evening into night. He must be exhausted and yet he’s still here, still wide-eyed. His eyelids flutter occasionally, fighting sleep. But tonight feels too precious to surrender. Not just yet.
And it reminds me of something. “Remember when you fell asleep on Zoom with me?” It was back in 2020, after we stopped pretending to cook together and just started calling because we wanted to. Wine glasses, couches, lazy conversations. The yearning between us never voiced, but so tangible it shimmered on screen. Meeting in person hadn’t been an option. With his level of fame, even a masked, distanced walk would have been a risk. So our calls were strangely safe. Nothing could happen. That night we had both collapsed on our respective couches to watch a movie. It wasn’t great, but I insisted on finishing it. He looked so cozy - blanket over his chest, a cat in his arm, face completely relaxed. Eventually he had dozed off and I’d kept watching him, for longer than I’d ever admit. It had felt safe. Secret. I fell asleep too, somewhere between the credits and his quiet breathing. The next morning my tablet was dead, the call cut off without ceremony. He nods when I mention it. Then lets out a sigh and closes his eyes. “What?” I ask, brows raised. “I have to admit something… I wasn’t really sleeping.” I blink. “Wait, what?” He starts playing with my hair, voice low. “I was tired, sure, but I saw myself in the camera and thought I looked kind of cute. Like, cozy-cute. So I… faked it a bit. I thought if you saw me falling asleep like that, maybe you’d think I was cute too. I squinted a few times to check if you were watching…” My mouth drops open. Shut. Up. “No…” I say, as if that could undo the whole thing.
He laughs, a little embarrassed. “I’m sorry. I was crushing on you. Really hard. I just wanted you to… I don’t know. Crush on me too.” I stare at him, half flabbergasted, half impressed.“ You mean to tell me… in the end, you were the one watching me fall asleep?” He shrugs, then nods. His hand moves to my cheek, soft and deliberate. “Does it help if I tell you you were actually fucking adorable? You looked so peaceful and happy and all I wanted to do was reach through the screen. Like this.” The side of his thumb traces along my cheekbone and I smile despite myself. “A little.” I say. It’s a lie. It helps a lot. “You mad?” he asks, but I shake my head. “Nah. That was ages ago. And… I wanted you to like me too. I just didn’t overthink it like you did.” We both laugh, leaning into the warmth again.
It’s not like I didn’t know he liked me. Not then, not now. We had been obvious. But the way he phrazes it is so innocent sounding almost. Very different than the summer heat filled atmosphere surrounding us like tension when we first met. But hearing him say it out loud still stirs something in my chest. “You know I had a crush on you too, right?” I say. He nods slowly. “I do. I think we both sucked at hiding that. But I was also scared. Scared of fucking it up again.” I stay quiet for a beat. “Are you now?” He inhales deeply, eyes focused on the ceiling. “I mean… yeah. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t cross my mind. I’ve done a lot of work. Like, real work. For the first time in forever I feel like… myself. But yeah, I’m still scared.”
He says it so quietly, but I hear every syllable. He’s lying here in my tiny bed, wearing my slightly ridiculous sweater, wrapped in a flowery duvet. And somehow it feels like he’s offering me his bare soul, no filter. “Are you scared of me?” he asks eventually. His eyes are layered with so many things - hope, pain, regret, want. And when I shake my head with a small smile, I mean it. Of course I’m scared we could mess this up. Of course there’s history, wounds, uncertainties. But I’m not scared of him. “No. I trust you.” And just like that, his whole face lights up. Like I’d turned on the sun inside him. “But you should be scared of me.” I add with a mock-serious tone. “I’m pretty terrifying.” He scoffs and pulls me in tighter, laughter rumbling through his chest. It turns into a full cuddle fight, arms and legs and blankets and giggles, both of us desperate to get closer. Eventually, everything settles. The lights dim. The city pulses faintly outside. And when we fall asleep, it’s not one of us pretending or watching the other. It’s both of us. Together. Just two tired people wrapped in warmth and soft sheets. And something that finally feels real.
Getting him out of bed the next morning is absolute torture. Ji is still completely wiped and not exactly an early riser to begin with. I, on the other hand, kind of am. Begrudgingly I check my phone and see they only start at 9 AM. I’m still officially off, but somehow I’m the one who has to make him wake and kick him out of my bed. Which feels impossible, especially when he knows exactly how to make that task as difficult as humanly possible. He whines. He clings. He buries himself deeper into the sheets and declares, dramatically, that this is the best bed in the world and that he’s too tired to function. With a sigh, I give him ten more minutes while I start a pot of coffee and brush my teeth. And maybe take a sneaky photo of him - draped in my blanket, one arm wrapped around a pillow, his lips parted slightly in sleep. I want to remember this. The soft side of him, tangled in my space like he belongs there. But eventually, I get a tiny bit annoyed. Because this is my day off. Climbing back onto the bed, I reach for the duvet he's guarding and say, “Ji, get out. I’m not your mother or your staff right now, I’m your...” I stop. Uhm. What was I going to say? That catches his attention. One eye opens, then the other. A grin starts to tug at the corners of his lips  - sheepish, playful, like he’s very interested in how I’m going to finish that sentence. I freeze. Still kneeling there, hands mid-duvet, heart thudding a little harder than I want it to. He stretches, finally sitting up, light blonde hair sticking out in every direction. “My… Daisy? You’re my Daisy?” I smirk, lips pressed together as I nod once. He kisses me good morning like it’s the most natural thing in the world, soft and sleepy and sweet, before disappearing into the bathroom. It’s easier to let him go a bit later because he is already late and... I will see him again tonight.
Tons of fluff, smut up next. ;) What do you all think? <3
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coraniaid · 2 days ago
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If you've been following my blog for a while you might have been a little surprised that the list of Buffy episodes that I offered last week as definitely weaker than Never Kill A Boy On The First Date didn't include this week's The Pack. Isn't this a typical bad Season 1 episode?
I mean: like Teacher's Pet, it's a Nicholas Brendon-heavy episode featuring some pretty dubious biology (hyenas simply do not act like it is claimed they do in this episode! they are intelligent and social and quite famously matriarchal! there is not a worse mammal you could pick for a metaphor about the supposed effects of testosterone on teenage boys!). It features a gang of thinly-drawn high school students we've never met before and will never meet again (be honest: how many of them could you have named before rewatching this episode? can you still name them all?). It's the third episode in a row not to feature Buffy's mother, it does nothing to advance the Season 1 arc (it doesn't feature a single vampire), and perhaps most seriously it features a pretty gratuitously nasty scene in which Buffy herself is the victim of an attempted sexual assault, something that the show doesn't engage with seriously at all and which Buffy isn't allowed any space to process later [fortunately, of course, the show will never ever do anything like this ever again].
Well, the truth is The Pack's omission from last week's list was mostly pragmatic. I didn't want to include any Season 1 episodes on that list we hadn't already rewatched, simply because doing so would inevitably prejudice me against them later. I'm not going to pretend I can approach each episode with a completely open mind, but I don't want to have condemned an episode as terrible even before rewatching it. Otherwise, in most contexts, I probably would have named The Pack as one of the show's very worst episodes last week. (In fact, if you go back and check my blog I probably have done so in the past.)
Now that I've actually rewatched the episode, though, I'm kind of glad I didn't include it on that list. I still didn't hugely love this episode -- all the complaints I raised above are valid -- but it's better, I think, than I was giving it credit for. I'd rank it somewhere in the middle of the season so far: not in the same tier of Witch or Never Kill A Boy On The First Date but certainly a tier above Teacher's Pet. Broadly on the same level as Welcome to the Hellmouth or The Harvest, if not quite as enjoyable as either.
Why, the rethink? Well, partly it's just because The Pack just feels like a technically more competent episode than Teacher's Pet. There aren't the same odd flashbacks and extended fantasy sequences, there's no Claw Guy or terrible insect costume or pointless surprise twist ending. (Though, yeah, some of the scenes of the titular pack just wandering around in slow motion outstay their welcome more than a little.) And at least, unlike Teacher's Pet, this episode actually recognizes that it is depicting an attempted sexual assault, describes it in those words, and doesn't play it for laughs.
But, more than that, halfway into the episode I started wondering if maybe I hadn't fundamentally misunderstood what this episode was about. The Pack is often described as a Xander-focused episode, and that's how I'd mentally catalogued it, but on rewatching it again this week I started to wonder if that's entirely accurate. In fact I'm not actually sure this episode is about Xander Harris at all. It's true that some people like to read his actions in this episode, while possessed by the hyena spirit, as revealing of Xander's own suppressed or hidden desires, but I don't think that's in keeping with the established lore of the show at all. The show is surprisingly consistent when it comes to how possession works.
When Catherine was in control of Amy's body a few weeks ago, was the way she acted meant to make us think Amy secretly wanted to be a cheerleader? When Buffy gets transformed by Ethan's spell in next season's Halloween, are we supposed to imagine Buffy herself really wishes deep down that she was the sort of powerless and easily frightened girl her costume transforms her into? How about when the demon Eyghon possesses Jenny Calender in The Dark Age: does that tell us something about what Jenny secretly wants to do to Giles? When a demon-possessed Joyce leads a mob of parents to try to burn Buffy at the stake in Season 3's Gingerbread, are we meant to think of this as something Joyce herself wants? (OK, some of you definitely think the answer to that one is 'yes', but you are wrong and silly and should feel bad about it.) When Faith is in control of Buffy's body in Season 4's Who Are You? and fantasises about stabbing Willow, is this something we're supposed to assume Buffy herself wants?
For that matter, sticking just to this episode, are we really meant to think Kyle and the others (whose names I've already forgotten) were harboring a secret suppressed desire to kill and eat their principal that the possession merely gave them the excuse of acting on? No, surely not. Xander's actions here -- as awful as I have found Xander in so much of Season 1 so far -- are not, I think, meant to tell us anything sinister about "the real" Xander Harris. Rather, just as Joyce's behaviour in Gingerbread is best understood as telling the audience something about Buffy -- who at that stage of the season fears, rightly or wrongly, that her coming out as the Slayer has fundamentally ruined her relationship with her mom -- I think the most logical way to view Xander's actions in The Pack is as telling us something about one of the other characters in the cast. Somebody who suspects the Xander they knew and grew up with is changing for the worse, somebody who fears (wrongly, as the episode itself bears out) that Xander himself only tolerates them for their short-term usefulness to him. Somebody who is hurt that Xander seems to value Buffy Summers, a girl he only met a few weeks ago, more than he does one of his oldest childhood friends.
I think The Pack isn't an episode about Xander Harris at all. It's an episode about Willow Rosenberg.
Admittedly, this is a reading that you probably don't agree with. I don't think it's supported by any critical analysis of Buffy I've read before. The widely agreed consensus seems to be that there's only one Willow-focused episode this season -- I Robot, You Jane -- and that this is one of two Xander-focused episodes.
Still, for what little it's worth, the raw numbers back this take up. Looking at Julian Freedland's audio timestamp data again, we can observe that Willow has more speaking time in this episode than she had in the previous two episodes combined. She has more speaking time in this episode than she will have in any other Season 1 episode (including I Robot, You Jane): in fact she will not have this much speaking time again until Season 2's Halloween. She also has more speaking time than Xander for the first time all season, although to be scrupulously fair that is partly because Xander gets a lot of screen time where he wanders around looking moody and possessed and doesn't say anything or do much beyond sniff people. But in fact Willow has more speaking time this episode than any character except Buffy herself, something that is pretty rare in the first two seasons of the show (the only other examples are Halloween (again), Phases, Killed By Death and I Only Have Eyes For You -- in fact in that last episode Willow has more speaking time than everybody, including Buffy herself). By the standards of Season 1, this episode is a clear outlier in terms of how much dialogue Willow gets.
But, away from the numbers, I think it's also a position we can understand by simply examining the text again.
For one thing, Willow herself repeatedly centers herself in discussions in a way she just wasn't doing before. She's the first one to notice Xander is acting differently, and while Buffy asks him merely "What's up with you?" when he starts muttering about being hungry and eating her croissant, Willow immediately asks him "Is something wrong? Did I do something?". A little later in the episode, Buffy will quickly realise Xander isn't himself and suggest that "something's wrong with him", to which Willow will reply "or maybe there's something wrong with me".
As I've been noting, Willow's crush on Xander has developed more slowly this season than I'd remembered. Sure, there are a couple of lines that are at least consistent with it in the first three episodes, but it's really not until towards the end of Teacher's Pet (when she starts talking about Xander's "eyes, and his hair, and his adorable smile") that the show really seems to settle on it.
And this is really the first episode to make explicit and central to the plot Willow's crush on Xander. It does so by, very early on, having Buffy and Willow discuss it and directly compare it to Buffy's growing attraction to Angel. And if Willow is to Xander as Buffy is to Angel, doesn't that make Willow, not Xander, the person in this relationship the audience is being asked to focus on? She's explicitly the Buffy analogue in this episode, isn't she?
For another thing ... well, Willow is the character who has the clearest sense of growth and progression this episode.
Xander himself doesn't really have anything approaching an arc this episode. He gets possessed by the hyena spirit before the credits roll, really through no fault of his own, and returns to himself (again, not because of anything he does himself) just in time to save Willow at the end of the episode. The one potentially consequential decision he makes all episode (to lie about not remembering what he did while possessed) has about as much pay-off as the lingering shot of the hatching mantis eggs back in Teachers Pet (it gets brought up very fleetingly, in Season 2's Phases, and is then never mentioned again). Frankly, much like that shot of the mantis eggs, I think the episode would be stronger without it (that is, I'd still have Xander claim not to remember anything but I'd just have that be true).
Willow, though? She does have an arc. Granted, it's an arc that's heavily focused on Xander (I vaguely recall reading once that this was one of the few episodes of the show that didn't pass the Bechdel test and in fact I don't think it does), but that makes sense to me. What has the show established about Willow so far, anyway? She gets bullied a lot, she's good with computers, and she has an unrequited crush on Xander. Well, this is an episode about two of those three things (though we do get an obligatory shot of Willow looking at a computer screen). For an episode that really focuses on Willow and computers, we'll have to wait for I Robot...You Jane.
How do the rest of the gang react to Xander's increasingly erratic behaviour? Giles doesn't really care about Xander (as I've talked about before), and is initially very skeptical that anything supernatural or even interesting is going on at all. Buffy very quickly decides something strange is happening and that Xander isn't himself. It's only Willow who seems to really internalize Xander's apparent change in behaviour: who has a small crisis of confidence in which she wonders if perhaps Xander is acting differently because of her. And it's only Willow who really shows any growth as a person because of this episode. Buffy is right and is proved right. Giles is wrong and accepts he was wrong but this doesn't really change his impression of teenage boys in general or Xander Harris in particular. It's Willow who has to make an actual choice: to look past her crush and her doubts about herself and to learn to trust in herself and her own self-worth.
Over the course of the episode, Willow will go from being close with Xander -- the episode starts with Xander and Willow having just watched "the zebras mating" together -- to seeing him drift apart, first by ignoring her in favor of Buffy, then struggling with the geometry homework she's been helping him with since literally her first scene in the first episode ("Willow, you're so very much the person I wanted to see [...] I kinda had a problem with the math"), then hanging out with new, fairly unpleasant friends (... like ... Jesse, maybe?) and finally by rejecting her romantic feelings and openly laughing at her. She'll blame herself ("he's not picking on [Buffy], he's just sniffing [her] a lot"), be talked out of her self-doubt by Buffy and head to the library to research. Finally, when Xander is knocked out and caged by Buffy, Willow volunteers to stay and keep watch on him because "I wanted to see if you were still you"; we're initially misled in the scene that follows into thinking that Willow is going to be tricked into letting Xander out, but she proves herself to be smarter and more confident than the possesed Xander (and perhaps Willow herself) realized she was ("...and now I know").
It's then Willow who is the target of the Pack's attack on the school, and Willow who is abducted by the episode's (largely forgettable) central villain. And at the end of the episode, her fears about Xander -- and hence her own fears about her lack of self-worth -- will prove to be ungrounded when, freshly depossessed, Xander immediately and unthinkingly acts to save her life.
And there are other clues too, I think, that suggest this reading might be a fruitful one:
Lance, the initial victim of the pre-hyena mean kids' bullying, is kind of a nerd. He's taking his field trip seriously, he's making notes, he's trusted by the Principal and worried about breaking rules. He is, surely, far more Willow-coded than Xander-coded, isn't he? If the episode is about Xander, I don't really see what Lance is doing in it at all. But Lance as a Willow proxy makes a lot of sense. Lance vanishes after the dodgeball game, after which Xander's bullying becomes focused openly on Willow and Lance is no longer required.
When the pack (minus Xander) are about to cannibalize Principal Flutie, the scene cuts away to a video about hyenas eating to spare us the gory details. Who's watching this hyena video? From whose eyes are we seeing this scene -- and metaphorically, then, the preceeding scene -- play out? Well, Willow. (Fun fact: I'm pretty sure the video Willow is watching is actually footage of wild dogs. Honestly the episode would make more sense if that's what the magical spirits possessing Xander et al actually were...)
The scene in which Xander tries to assault Buffy is (except for a brief moment or two) the only scene where possessed!Xander is alone with Buffy all episode. Before then we've seen him either with Buffy and Willow together or with Willow alone. But honestly, quite apart from the way he's acting, I don't think his dialogue in this scene makes sense from anybody's perspective but Willow's. First, he insists to Buffy that "you like your men dangerous", something that doesn't really fit anything established about Buffy that Xander might know (she dated Owen last week because he was a quiet boy who liked books! we haven't seen anything so far to suggest Angel is "dangerous" at all!) but does echo Willow's description of Angel ("mysterious and dangerous") from earlier in the episode. More interestingly, he mockingly talks about Willow "kidding herself that [Xander] could settle for anyone but [Buffy]". Now, I believe Willow Rosenberg might worry that she's kidding herself that Xander might choose her over Buffy. She (obviously) knows she's attracted to Xander and knows that Xander is attracted to Buffy. But ... Xander doesn't know Willow has a crush on him. Nothing about the way he's acted in the first five episodes of the show suggests he does. He wouldn't repeatedly ask her for advice about asking Buffy out if he did: he's not that tactless. She's his "guy friend who knows about girls". And, in some very deliberate symmetry, Buffy doesn't know Xander is attracted to her: he's "one of the girls" who she invites to her house while she gets ready for dates. At the end of the season he finally asks her out and she is very visibly shocked that he feels that way about her (notably despite what he says this episode: Buffy clearly doesn't think this is the desires of the real Xander slipping out). There is only one character on the show who knows Xander has a crush on Buffy and Willow has a crush on Xander and only one person who might harbor some big subconscious fear Xander would laugh at Willow if he knew. This is a scene that I can easily imagine playing out in Willow's nightmares and literally nobody else's.
Seriously, so much of the dialogue of this episode involves people asserting that possessed!Xander isn't really Xander. When they realize he's been possessed, Willow asks Buffy "how do we get Xander back?". Xander's body is right there with them, so this can only mean that (in Willow's eyes, at least), this is no longer Xander. And I've already mentioned the later scene where Willow talks to a caged Xander to find out "if you were still you" and concludes that he isn't. In the final scene of the episode Buffy assures him he shouldn't feel bad about eating Herbert the Pig (and, by implication, anything else he did while possessed) because "it wasn't really you". These are very odd writing choices if this is meant to be an episode about the secret suppressed side of Xander Harris!
'The Pack' as a title obviously refers to the pack of hyenas who possess Xander and ... um, no, sorry, forgotten their names again ... but I think there's a pretty clear double meaning in that it's about the group of people that we're not officially calling the Scooby Gang yet. They're the only social group in this episode we actually care about, right? And Willow explicitly tells Buffy that her fear this episode is that maybe this particular pack isn't stable: that the boy she has a crush on has decided that "three isn't company any more".
It's also a reading that, to my eyes anyway, makes the season feel a lot more carefully planned. Obviously Buffy is the main character and every episode is about Buffy, at least metaphorically. But within that paradigm, so far we've had -- after the initial two-part introduction to the universe of the show -- an episode about Buffy's relationship with her mother, an episode about the insecurities of teenage boy Xander Harris, and most recently an episode about Buffy's relationship with her Watcher. Later in the season we'll have episodes about Buffy's future boyfriend Angel (in Angel) and Buffy's shadow self Cordelia Chase (in Out of Mind, Out of Sight). Who's missing here? What's the most natural episode to have next: another episode about Xander -- one that doesn't actually tell us anything about Xander himself -- or an episode about the insecurities of teenage girl Willow Rosenberg?
I mean, it's still a somewhat underwhelming and inconsequential episode (Flutie's death aside) -- the version of Willow Rosenberg most of us think of when we envision the character doesn't really exist yet, after all -- but, still. I think it makes more sense as a mostly forgettable episode about (the early Season 1 version of) Willow than it does as a very bad episode about Xander.
One last thought: this is the first episode this season not to feature Cordelia Chase. That seems pretty strange at first -- the show has already established a group of mean kids who pick on the people they identify as weak and vulnerable in the form of the Cordettes; why introduce a completely new one? -- but I guess the generic mean kids of The Pack occupy a slightly different place in the school standings. (Cordelia and Harmony manage to make Willow's life unpleasant without ever getting into any trouble with the school authorities, which honestly feels a lot more relatable to me.) Probably harder to imagine Xander hanging out with them, too. And besides, they couldn't really have had Cordelia eat somebody; you certainly couldn't just swap out the four new characters with the Cordettes and leave the plot the same. (Having Cordelia's friends -- but not Cordelia herself -- be possessed might have been an interesting choice, if the show had established any of the Cordettes as recurring characters before now.)
As an odd coincidence, the one other episode not to feature Cordelia at all this season is I Robot, You Jane. Another (or, if you prefer, "the only") Willow-focused episode. Does that mean anything? I don't know, honestly. But it's surely a little interesting that the two episodes where Willow gets the most screen time are also the only two episodes of this season where Cordelia Chase (the girl who responds to Willow speaking to her in The Harvest by demanding to know "who gave you the right to exist?") isn't present. It'a almost as if, like Buffy herself, we can hang out with Willow or Cordelia, but we can't do both...
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yummyyumberries · 2 days ago
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Cant turn back now, i’m haunted.
attached!BangChan x angry!Reader
Warnings: Crying, Yelling (Both Chan and y/n), mean bangchan
a/n: it feels weird to be writing again, and my first fix back isn’t even piwon 😰 i’m so sorry i was gone for so freaking long my head was so empty and collage is hard :( i’m happy to be back! this is my first time writing angst and writing for skz so i’m quite nervous haha i hope you enjoy reading this as much i as enjoyed writing it! (this totally isn’t based off haunted by taylor swift btw..)
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The front door slammed again.
You and Chan have been stressed out a lot recently. Your Fashion Designing job and His Idol job constantly had you guys moving around, but a few weeks ago you got a job offer that required you to almost permanently live in Europe, only having time to vist Korean once or twice a year.
When you brought it up to Chan he didn’t take it well. You were in the studio together while he was working on a new song for Stray Kids
“Hey Chan?” You said laying your chin on his shoulder. He takes one side of the headphones off his ear. “What’s up?” he says still focusing on his work. “I got another job offer” You replied walking away and going back to your sketchbook“in Europe…” you muttered. You expected him to get excited instead, he just chuckled. “You’re not going.” He scoffed. You looked up from the sketchbook almost amused by his reaction. “Yes i am.” You spat. “No you’re not and that’s final” In his head he was just joking around, in your head he was being unreasonable. “Fuck off i’m not a kid, i’m moving to Europe” You scolded.
That’s what pissed him off. It’s been two week since you told him that you were leaving, and every day from that night all you two have been doing is fighting.
“You’re so fucking annoying.” you say as you and chan walk through the front door. “Okay so IM annoying because i love you and don’t want you to leave?” He says with disbelief in his eyes. “Yeah, you are” you spit back at him walking into the kitchen while he follows behind “You go on tour all the time so how is this any different!” you yell slamming your hands down on the counter. “It’s different because i come back! You’re practically gonna live in Europe for god knows how long!” he screams back at you. You cross your arms, bite your lip and look away from him to stop yourself from crying again. “Are you fucking serious” he laughes “Are you actually being serious right now?” he screams “You shouldn’t be the one crying. You don’t deserve to cry! You’re the one moving away!” He screams as he walks over toward you.
“Chan i’m trying..” your voice barely above a whisper. Tears falling down your cheeks. “What? Am i supposed to care that you’re crying?” he says rolling his eyes. You look up at him and start to cry. Looking into his eyes hurt you. His eyes lost their shine, the news you expected him to be excited about made his eyes go cold.
“You’re the worst. why do you never listen to me!” you move out of his way, grab your keys, put on your shoes and walked out the door, slamming it behind you. You stand at the side of the door waiting and hoping he follows after you with tears streaming down your face.
Click your eyes shoot to the door hoping it’s him, but it isn’t. Hyunjin walks out into the hallway with a worried look on his face. “Hi..” he whispers. You take one look at him and start sobbing. He takes you into his arms to comfort you, not saying anything and just letting you cry. You pull back and fake a soft smile at him “I’m leaving. I’ve decided” you mumble. “You sure? he says looking at you and fixing your hair. You nod, still smiling at him. “okay, i’ll always be a text away okay?” Your smile turned real at that moment. You hug him one last time before going to your car and emailing the company back, accepting the offer.
You stay with your friend who’ve you known since high school. The next morning she comes with you to pack your suitcases and move your things into the truck that’s shipping your things to your new place in France. You take your suitcases and let your friends drive you to the airport.
flight 882 boarding now
you grab your backpack and suitcase and start to board your plane. You quickly find your seat and put your bag and suitcase in the over head cupboard. You sit down and start to play your music. The plane starts to take off and your phone goes off
Channie 🤍: Hyunjin told me everything, don’t leave i still love you y/n.
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persephonessugarbaby · 2 days ago
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Since this is (VERY unexpectedly) getting traction, I'd love to take this opportunity to point out that drug abuse and addiction are intimately tied to a lack of access to proper health care.
I have missed out on NUMEROUS job opportunities because I can't pass a drug test due to my marijuana use, even though there is an entire department at my college dedicated to marijuana research and one of the companies actually grows marijuana themselves.
So why do I use marijuana, even when it costs me job opportunities, including raises and promotions?
Sativas give me energy, clear the brain fog, and are one of the only (and hands down the most instantly effective) things that can rip me from the depths of anxiety, hopelessness, and depression, delivering me to joy, lightness, and positivity. Indicas help with the body pains that are the result of doing physically taxing work with chronic muscle fatigue and stiffness. Indicas also help fix my sleep schedule, allowing me to sleep restfully and continuously through the night, giving me 100x more energy than when I sleep most of the night AND day in 1-3 hour increments.
During my first bout of feeling these extreme symptoms, even the marijuana couldn't help me keep one of the best jobs I've ever had. While the job was amazing in many ways, it was so hardcore that even the military guy said, "Damn you guys, some of these days are more brutal than basic training in Death Valley." After months of working that job, getting heat illness and then strepp throat IMMEDIATELY after (as my autoimmune thyroid disease was taking hold), and all the muscle aches, I hit my physical limits. I had to quit before getting to do countless projects that motivated me to take the job in the first place.
After years of this, I started turning to other substances.
Alcohol
Cigarettes
Prescription opiods
Craving stimulants, literally begging doctors to prescribe them as they're the only thing that could keep me awake and productive
Started drinking large quantities of strong coffee, a beverage I had NEVER drank in my entire life until a few months ago
Considered cocaine, pre workout, fuck just ANYTHING! that might keep me awake more hours a day than I do asleep
All of this because in 7 years of seeing countless medical professionals with an extremely detailed timeline and list of symptoms, not one person could look at me and say, "Hey, you SHOULDN'T be struggling this much and the solution is almost certainly something simple, easy, cheap, and harmless, so let's try that."
Poor healthcare CREATES drug abuse
Poor healthcare CREATES 'drug addicts'
Bruh after weeks of searching I finally got in with an endocrinologist for all the health issues I've been having, got all my ultrasounds and blood work done last week, and just opened my email to see the most angrily written letter from the doctor that he's fucking outta here. He made sure to put in bold that he's the only board certified endocrinologist at the practice.
My life is a sitcom and my body is the running gag.
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youareabeautypj · 1 month ago
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I AM EAGERLY AWAITING
OUR NEXT
CONNECTION.
FULL FILTERLESS IMAGE:
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6 6 6 6 :
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SKETCH [which looks dumb lol] :
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OTHERS:
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lesbianlenas · 7 months ago
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the holiday party i had to go to ended up being fine lol i was basically just talking to the other ppl i externed w and some previous interns so it was not actually uncomfortable when i went at all even tho i did almost pass out at one point idk what that was abt. my body is allergic to going out i think i have some sort of medical issue every time i go outside. anyway. i should not have whined and complained so much it was literally fine 😭
#michelle speaks#i was sooooo close to not going like sitting on my floor giving myself a pep talk level 😭 it was so bad a real low point for me 😭#but like i just had it in my head for some reason that i would be alone bc the other ppl i externed w would not want to talk to me or smth#but like literally we just talked to each other the whole time 😭 and when i got there 40 mins late they were like oh we were wondering#where u were & one of them was like i was going to text u & realized i didn’t have ur number etc. so i went insane for no reason.#i mean there IS a reason but i’m not going to get into my tragic backstory. it’s actually not tragic i’m js there is a reason why i had#that mindset from a previous experience but like yeah i was all worried abt it for no reason 👍#which like typically i don’t do the everyone hates me wah wah bit since i started taking antidepressants & it wasn’t really that it is#different but quite literally i don’t feel like explaining i am soooooo tired 😭 not from going to that party i was only there for a few hrs#& i got back a while ago idk what it is. maybe i was so stressed abt it & now i’m not anymore so i’m tired……:#no idea why i almost passed out tho i was just standing there and i was like whoa. and i sat down & i was fine but like idk 😭#i literally only had one drink and like a fourth of another drink bc i did not like that one so i got the other one#and i have drank many times w my medications & stuff and have always been fine that has never happened before#and i have drank a lot more & been fine so like?? at this point i am just like yeah ok whatever. u do u i guess.
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catboydan · 11 months ago
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fiance got me a kindle for my birthday <3
#val comes out of hiding#with a case and a grip strap (that interferes a little with the case but i'm making it work lol)#it'll be great for my arthritic sad poor hands lmao#and i can download ebooks to it! including fic <3#so like i have backup copies of my bookmarks and i threw them all on there#and threw one I planned to read on there too which i rb'd a few mins ago#it's great because we tend to be into those huge fantasy novels that I 0% can hold and take up a shit ton of space#like bringing brando sando books with me while traveling has been a PAIN lmao#now all i need is a battery pack to make sure it doesn't die. which is its own downside of course#and it means I can pirate so many ebooks. my god so many.#anyway to start with i think i'm gonna go back thru and re-read all my bookmarked fics i haven't read in a while#i'm quite stingy about bookmarks so they're all good (tho i have a soft spot for fluff in hindsight lol)#maybe i'll make a detailed rec post when i'm done?#in regards to fic too though I need to reach out to someone and say sorry for not being a very responsible beta.you know who you are.sorry:#but tangentially related; last night I had one of those core memory moments#it was bed time and fiance was snoozing half-asleep and i was reading fic on the kindle which works great in the dark btw. so dim#and i got up maybe 3 times in 30 mins or so go to the bathroom; get shit i forgot in the other room; etc etc#he's a light sleeper so he tends to wake up a lil#at some point he swapped our body pillows. i have no idea which time i got up it was. i didn't even notice for so long#i use a regular pillow and he has a longer actual body pillow so it was very obvious in hindsight#he loves to mess with me like that. little things make me laugh etc. and in the moment i realised i was just so happy#i'm here in this comfy bed with the man i love reading great fic with the gift he just got me and he's half-asleep and still trying to make#me laugh. and i laugh and laugh and laugh for like 5 mins because i'm so unobservant i didn't even notice it's not my pillow#and not even in a mean way. he loves that about me because he loves me. and he is just so good. so good.#and i was reading a fic about finding someone in any world. i would find him in any world. i would#and i just said 'i love you' and he cuddled into me and went to sleep.#<33333333333333333
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moonsidesong · 2 years ago
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fair ways into magical turnabout. hate nahyuta a lot more than i remembered
#i remembered him being boring but god hes just ANNOYING i miss blackquill#also idk it drives me slightly insane that everyone we've met from khura'in is a monk in some way#like does this place really just not have anything else going for it culturally at all besides its religion#it makes the entire place seem awfully flat#bri talks#idk maybe once we start getting into the Rebellion territory of the story more itll flesh out a little#but like. should not take this long for us to see people that have livelihoods outside worship imo#should be mentioned that i havent finished this game in its entirety#ive been spoiled on a large sum of it and i dont Care if any more of it gets spoiled but i quit a few years ago in the middle of chapter 3#partially because i was insanely bored of it lol#so like! i dont know! maybe the actual mysteries of the later cases will intrigue me.#but right now it feels like bestie and i are being forced to make our own fun out of it#like inventing cliff terran. who is clay's identical brother who isnt aware clay is dead and is also strange but nice and is everywhere#<- also a twist villain????? the cliff lore is intense you guys wouldnt get it#anyway if youre reading these tags. hi! hope youre having a good day slash night#if you saw something in this game that im not . good for you! youre having more fun than i am LOL#and if you're thinking about getting into ace attorney as an outsider...... go for it!!!! the trilogy is still great!!!!!!#not everyone likes aa4 but its personally my favorite!!!! just maybe wait a while after trilogy it can be a bit jarring if you play them--#--in succession#thats all goodnight Lol
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into-the-milgramverse · 4 months ago
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Unpopular opinion
I am actually a fan of T3 Fuuta
#both his current personality and his design#his design definitely takes some getting used to at first#but then you're hit with multiple different realizations as you start analyzing different parts of it#for example how the slip on shoes might be a reference to Haruka's slip on shoes from T1#or he picked em because they're most simple style but still keep a part of what he's comfortable with (they have sneaker-like sole)#and then his socks. people hate on them socks so much but honestly? they don't actually look that bad#yall are just too used to basic ahh white/grey/black socks that any variation from it upsets you#and also given how his clothes‚ a button down shirt and slacks‚ look like a uniform (school uniform? work uniform?)#the socks still being the same are like symbolic that there's still part of his old self under this current self#back to uniform tho. Again. Feels like a nod to Haruka. But also potentially to Mikoto?#since an important part of Mikoto has been ripped away‚ it's like he's practically dead now (one missing shoe)#Fuuta wasn't particularly close to anyone there but he did try to talk with both Haruka and Mikoto before#Wait I mentioned how it could be a nod to Haruka but not Mikoto. Uh.#Something something Mikoto's stress (and John's birth) related to work.#can't really formulate it properly#Man I almost died just few (2) days ago‚ of course I'm not well enough yet to properly. Like. Write.#Uhm. Ann ee ways#Wait also didn't add why I like his personality. Or. Well. It's not really his personality exactly?#Not sure if that makes sense. Like#You can tell its him in a way. But like. Blurred. And from his voice lines it makes it sound like he's not quite present mentally while he#he talks. Like he's basically running on autopilot. Partially. Not sure how to explain it.#If you've experienced it you know what I'm talking about. Like‚ when it feels like you're watching yourself and others simultaneously from y#your actual perspective but also from third perspective and things you say feel only vaguely connected to you but not quite?#Like. You know what I'm talking about? Does that make sense?#I don't know. Well anyways. I love him and think even his current self is great and I hope he does actually manage to be helpful.#Unfortunately‚ I feel like other prisoners will find him annoying and likely even distance themselves from him.#but maybe he'll be able to help ease the mental pain of at least one person by being there to listen to them.#He likely wouldn't be able to give any proper advice or anything tho. But he'll listen.
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connormoving · 6 months ago
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everytime i help my dad solve a puzzle in a video game i feel like theeee smartest guy on the planet
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finallychaoticeffigy · 1 month ago
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Yandere patient x psychologist reader
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You can't believe it. How were you assigned to work with the most dangerous patient in the hospital when you just started working a few months ago.
You shook your head "Sir there must be some kind of mistake here, I don't have enough experience to work with him"
Your boss chuckled putting down his coffee at the nearby table as he looked at you "I know it's been only a little while since you started working here, but i believe in your abilities y/n"
You stared at the door , guards behind following you. Room 13, every psychologist would rather quit than to be seen here. Last time he tried to run away, he killed over 9 guards with just a fork. But like your bosses say you have the abilities so it's only worth a try.
You opened the door. You saw a huge man with a straitjacket on.
"Hi" you greeted, putting down your things at a table. You turned to the guards "Leave us, I'll just call when there's an emergency. They nodded as they closed the door.
The patient, or should i say Darius looked at you. His eyes softened. "H-hey" you looked at him with awe . According to his documents he doesn't speak a word to anyone. So that simple word shocks you.
"Come closer...please" He softly utter making you think. Is he trying to get you to come close so he can also stab you with a fork? Even with a straitjacket on , you never know what happens next. Oh well you can't really talk to him when you are this far, unless you shout that is.
You came close to him. You get a better look at him. Jesus this man is beautiful, you thought. Even though he's a murderer psychopath who looks like he could crush you with his pinkie. He's sitting down but you can already tell he's tall as hell.
You then explained the things he had to do to get better. "Don't forget to drink your medicine at the right time." You fix your coat and stand up ready to leave.
"Wait, leaving already?"
"Yes, our time is over" you explained
"oh...Will you come again tomorrow?"
"Totally" you picked up your papers and left
It's been a month since you have been assigned to Room 13. And dare you say ,you two have gotten a bit close. He's not as cold as you thought he was. Actually, he seems clingy and sweet, but you're still not completely comfortable with him.
"Am back" You gave him a small smile. He quickly turned to you and beamed "Y/n !! Come and hug me please" He softly pleaded.
It's kind of weird how he would want to always get in contact with you but you brushed it off. I mean you do work in a mental ward , people here are naturally weird.
As you get closer to him you notice his straitjacket looks a bit out of place. Your suspicion was confirmed as he suddenly lunged at you.
"Hey ! What are you doing Darius get off " you tried to hit him but he's just too strong, heck he even broke his straitjacket.
"Mmmh you always smell divine baby, You have no idea how long I've waited for you to be in my arms" He commented as he licked your cheeks down to your lips.
"No get off! Help someone! " You screamed feeling terrified at his actions. His arms wrapped tightly around you as he also began to suck and lick all over your neck and he moaned in delight.
"I love you Doc , i love you so much i could die, I just wanna kiss you, lick you, suck you and love you forever." He smiled at you , his other hand moved down to your waist and softly squeezed it.
It continued on for a few minutes , the most terrifying moments of your life until the guards came to sedate him.
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You were given a week of vacation to make up for the traumatic experience you've been through.
You entered the hospital to get some of your things when you noticed how uncomfortably quiet it was.
You suddenly stopped at your track. Is this a prank? You don't think so. You let out a scream as you saw multiple bodies with blood, gut out.
You know those stupid characters in horror movies when instead of running through the exit they ran upstairs instead.
You used to get so annoyed with that , but who knew that's what you'll also do. You didn't think . You just ran through your office .
You collapse on the floor as soon as you close the door. With trembling hands you began to type.
"911 what's your emergency" the other line calmly asked.
H-hello , th-theres been a massacre at the xxhospital. I saw so many dead bodies please we need help" You cried feeling terrified for your life. You still have dreams, you can't die.
" Maam i need you to stay calm , please go to a safe plac-"
"Hello!" You began to panic as the line on the other side was cut off.
"Y/n" you heard a voice outside calling you
"Doc... please come out , i know you're there" He cooed as he began to bang on the door and twist the knob.
You could only cry , not knowing what to do. "Go away !"
"Fuck y/n even your shaken voice is cute. I love you more and more now"
You ran under your table hoping this nightmare could all go away.
Just then you heard the door break down. No..No this can't be, is he in?
"Baby..." Softly said and yanked you out under the table .
You protest and kicked him which was obviously useless as he began to hug you suffocating you,almost.
"Aww. You look so vulnerable right now Y/n, i could just eat you up" The huge man chuckled at you breathing heavily, you swore you could see heart forming in his dark eyes.
"You're mine.. Everything about you " He picks you up still hugging you tightly.
"Now let's get out of here and live together for the rest of our lives"
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English is not my first language so my apologies if my grammar is not perfect
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buggycat · 3 months ago
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being a habs fan for the few past years like
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[coughing up blood] please, I require... media that will make me feel as bad as is physically possible...
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lackadaisycats · 4 months ago
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Video essay by Jellybox about what's good and bad about indie animation!
Wanted to share this in case it's helpful to anyone wanting to pursue making animation independently. It's also for fans of indie animation who may want some insight into how an indie studio works, why indie cartoons are always selling merch, why release schedules are often erratic, etc.
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I also wanted to clarify the video's context, because it seems to have been somewhat misconstrued in some circles. Not long ago, WGA and SAG strikes, followed by TAG negotiations were very much in the news, shining light on the struggles the artists, writers, and actors in the Hollywood studio system are facing. In response, the words 'just go indie' have been tossed around quite a bit lately.
Gene and Sean at Jellybox approached us a few months back explaining that they were planning to make a video about the realities of running an indie studio/producing indie animation, largely in response to that 'just go indie' attitude. They were curious if we'd be willing to share our experience, including information about actual costs and the various difficulties and complications we've encountered. We said yes! We'd like for people to know what it's like. As much as it might look appealing next to the currently very broken studio system, indie has its own set of problems, and we think it's a good idea to be transparent about that because talking about problems is how you begin to address them.
Of course, while you get creative freedom and you have no shareholders to appease with indie production, the primary struggle you're always going to face is funding…and funding avenues are limited. Banks aren't eager to hand out business loans to freelance artists making cartoons, for instance. Social media algorithms reward frequent updates you can't swing with hand-drawn animated content, so you can't rely much on things like AdSense. You can't really insert sponsored ads into your animated videos without being too obtrusive. You can take on client work, but that interferes with your ability to focus on own animated project. Crowdfunds can be great for seed money, but they're also a ton of work to fulfill, and fulfillment itself will tend to eat up a considerable amount of the funds you've raised. Once your animation is produced, there is no well established way to sell the animated episode itself like there is for, say indie games sold on Steam. So, while we consider ways to try to make the terrain a bit more hospitable to indie creations, if nothing else, let this explain why productions rely a lot on merch drops!
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And hey, if you're an animation fan, consider supporting the independent productions you enjoy, whether you're tossing a few dollars their way, buying their merch, or just mentioning them to friends:
The Far-Fetched team is launching a crowdfund very soon to help them complete their pilot!
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The Monkey Wrench team is killing it lately, and they deserve so much more fanfare than they've gotten!
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And of course, thank you to the excellent folks at Jellybox for starting an important conversation!
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haniette · 2 months ago
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practice makes perfect. // ln4
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pairing | lando norris x fem!reader
genre | fluff, lots of angst, friends to lovers, idiots in love, childhood best friends au, slowburn (trust the process), hurt-comfort
word count | 22.5k (i know- my hand slipped)
warnings | no use of y/n, suggestive in some moments, emotional tension, jealous!lando, mentions of insecurities, use of alcohol, cursing, kissing, pet names (sweetheart), lots of tension, pinning, reader and lando being certified yappers, bantering and lots of teasing
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summary: "practice makes perfect" or whatever they say. but who would have thought, that simple love lessons which he decided to give his best friend would turn into something much more. something much more complicated.
a/n: SURPRISEEEE !! happy bday to my dearest @norristrii !! 🧡 love u girlie xoxo, hope you’ll enjoy it ! ( ´ ▽ ` ).。♡
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“Fucking hell, I quit this shit.”
As you got into the car, you slammed the door shut and let out an exaggerated groan, throwing your bag onto the backseat. Slumping into the seat, you crossed your arms and stared straight ahead, refusing to look at Lando, who already had this annoying, amused look on his face. Damn it.
“Well, hello to you too, sweetheart.” He smirked from the driver’s seat and raised his eyebrow at you. 
“Never again.” You muttered, and his lovely laughter filled the whole car. 
You both knew that what you said wasn’t true. In a few days, you’d go on another date, say the same words, and laugh it off with him. The life of a hopeless romantic wasn’t easy.
“Well, that bad, huh? Come on, what was it this time?” He asked curiously, biting his lower lip as you sighed dramatically.
The memories from a couple of minutes flooded your head, still vivid, and it made you want to scream from embarrassment. 
“He spent the entire date explaining the plot of his favorite sci-fi series. In excruciating detail!” You started, Lando’s mouth slightly going open, “And you know, it’s not bad! But now I know more about space wars and intergalactic trade agreements than I ever wanted to.” A whine escaped from you as you looked out the window at the restaurant you were still in a few minutes ago. 
Lando burst into laughter, the sound echoing in the car. “Wait, wait— he actually talked about space wars and explained trade agreements? On a date?” He asked, crossing his arms over his chest. 
You looked at him with a withering glare. “Oh boy, let me tell you that it only gets worse.” You added, what made the grin of your best friend only go wider. At this point, listening to all the absurd things your dates did was Lando’s passion.
“When I told him I wasn’t really into sci-fi, he was baffled and said I clearly ‘didn’t understand the complexities of worldbuilding.’ Mate, I didn’t understand anything you said, and you complain that I don’t understand worldbuilding. Nah, that’s just crazy.” There was nothing else left for you but to sigh while sliding down the seat.
Lando doubled over, gripping the steering wheel for some support. “No. Fucking. Way.”
“Yes way,” You groaned, sitting back and throwing your head back against the headrest. “And then, just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, he pulled out his phone—mind you it was mid-date—and started reading me a fanfic he wrote. His own fanfiction!” You threw your hands in the air as the ridiculousness of the situation finally kicked in.
Lando’s laughter filled the car, tears forming in the corners of his eyes. “Oh my God. Please, tell me that it was a romance.”
You glared at him, and your lips twitched despite trying to stay serious. “Of course, it was, even with some smut scenes! Can you imagine?” The audacity of that man still made your skin crawl.
Lando put his hands on his face, cackling uncontrollably. “And you actually sat through all of that? Before you finally texted me to save you from this madness?” At this stage, he was shedding tears from laughing too hard.
“What was I supposed to do? Walk out, just like that? ” You replied, chuckling at the end as you looked at him, “Mind you, it wasn’t easy to even get out now. For fucks’s sake, man.” You closed your eyes as a sigh left your mouth, a smile still wandering over your lips.
Lando shook his head, his soft curls bouncing slightly as he still giggled. “Honestly, I don’t know where you find these people. You must have some sort of a gift.” 
You smacked his arm, unable to stop yourself from laughing now. “Oh, shut up, you muppet. It’s not my fault he seemed normal on the app!”
“Normal?” Lando repeated, his voice full of mockery, “The man brought his fanfiction to a date. That’s a new low, even for you.” He snickered, not being able to stop himself from teasing you.
“I’m never dating again.” You groaned again, covering your face with your hands. “How is it possible that I always meet the biggest twats in Monaco? I swear, all of the best men are already taken.” You crossed your arms over your chest.
Lando scoffed while giving you a side-eye. “Oh, thank you, sweetheart.” He commented as you also alluded to him (still) being available on the love market.
After a while, he looked at you, again. Lando was grinning, and his voice softened just slightly. “But don’t worry, you’ll bounce back. You always do.”
He patted your thigh and gave it a small squeeze as he used to do. “Besides, you’ve got me as a backup.”He added teasingly while sending you a wink.
You glanced at him, rolling your eyes but smiling. That freaking muppet. Your muppet.
“Yeah, yeah. Just drive, will you?” You responded while concentrating on the scenery outside the window, still feeling his eyes on you.
As Lando drove away from the restaurant, his chuckles still echoing in the car, you couldn’t help but feel lighter in your heart. Somehow, even the worst nights didn’t seem so bad with him. He had this ability to make even the worst moments feel less draining. 
────୨ৎ────
When you got to Lando’s apartment, without much thought you changed into some of his clothes. You couldn’t wait any longer to take this uncomfortable dress off of you and put something cozy on while also removing the makeup you wore that night. In the meantime, Lando took the takeout he ordered for both of you to the living room, and prepared two glasses for the wine. 
After every failed blind date, Lando would save you, take you to his place, eat, and talk about the ridiculous date you had while drinking some cheap wine. He was always there for you, after every shitty day and even worse dates. 
You’ve known each other for most of your lives as you met in primary school. It all started pretty innocently—barely audible “hi”, cute smiles here and there, then having fun together after school. Just you two being youthful kids. 
With time, everything progressed and so did you. 
The two of you became inseparable. You hung out with Lando most of your days, staying at his house more than at your own. 
Every new thing that was known to you was tried together with Lando. With him you went through the tough time of puberty, you skipped school, you snuck out of your house at night, you went to your first parties, you tried alcohol for the first time, and of course, he was your first kiss (which turned out to be pretty awkward). 
It was Lando and you against the world. And the shitty dates.
But as you both grew up, things started to change. You both always insisted that there was no romantic tension between you, even though all of your friends, your families, and even strangers constantly mistook you for a couple. But that was just how it was between you two; non-stop bantering with friendly flirting. You’ve never overthought it too much as you considered it a closed case.
The two of you sat cross-legged on the couch, a half-empty bottle of wine standing on the coffee table, right beside the takeaway boxes. Lando leaned back, getting comfortable on the couch as he watched you swirl your glass like some sort of wine connoisseur.
“So,” He said with a teasing smirk, “Mister Fanfiction is officially out of the list, huh?” 
You groaned, hiding your face behind your glass. “Don’t remind me. I can still hear him narrating those battle scenes like he was auditioning for an audiobook.”
Lando laughed, shaking his head. “To be honest, I don’t know how you do it. At this point, it’s almost impressive. You’ve got a talent for finding the weirdest men in Monaco.”
You narrowed your eyes at him. “Careful, Norris. You’re on thin ice.” Lando grinned as you stuck out your tongue at him, clearly enjoying himself. 
“I’m just saying, that maybe…” He paused, observing your face with a smirk, “Maybe you’re the problem.”
You blinked at him, “Excuse me?” A snicker left your mouth. “So now suddenly all of the failed dates are my fault?”
“No, no! Think about it,” He continued, shrugging as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. “Clearly, you need someone to teach you how to date properly.”
You raised a brow, your lips twitching. “Oh, really? And who’s going to do that? You?”
Lando took another sip of his wine, smirking behind the glass. “Maybe I should. You know I have some experience, and God knows I’ve watched you crash and burn enough times to know how to handle you. Practice makes perfect after all.” He chuckled, still oblivious to what was going on in your head.
To his surprise, you suddenly leaned forward, setting your glass down with a decisive clink. “Okay then. Teach me, Mr. I-know-everything-about-love.”
He froze in his spot, staring at you while holding his breath. “Wait. What?” He tilted his head questioningly, flabbergasted at your reaction.
“You heard me,” You said, crossing your arms. “Teach me how to date. If you’re such an expert, show me what I’m doing wrong.” A smirk appeared on your lips as you noticed how taken aback he was by your directness.
His grin faltered, replaced by a flicker of nervousness. “Hey, I was just joking.” Lando excused himself quickly, scratching the back of his head. 
What he didn’t expect was for you to counter. “I’m not.” Your tone daring him to back out.
The boy hesitated, the tips of his ears turning pink. He cleared his throat before finally speaking, “I don’t know if that’s a good idea. You must have drank too much wine tonight.” He reached to take your glass, but you moved your hand away, making it impossible for him to reach.
“Why not?” You challenged him, a playful smile tugging at your lips. “Too afraid you’ll fail?”
Lando scoffed, quickly straightening up his position. “Please. If anyone can turn your love life around, it’s me, sweetheart.”
“Then prove it.” You said, leaning in. 
Even you were quite shocked with yourself. But frankly, you weren’t sure if it wasn’t speaking the side where all the emotions toward him accumulated in you. And seeing him this flustered was worth risking it all.
For a moment, Lando just stared at you, caught between amusement and sheer disbelief. Where did this sudden change in you come from? However, he had to agree, he enjoyed it.
Then, with a dramatic sigh, he finally answered, “Fine. But we need some ground rules.”
You laughed, bringing your knee close to your chest, “Rules? Oh, this is going to be good.” You tilted your head while looking at him curiously.
“Rule number one,” He said, pointing at you, “No falling in love with your teacher.” 
You scoffed and looked at him pityingly, “Oh please,” You rolled your eyes at him, “Trust me, Norris, that is not happening—never.”
“We’ll see,” He shot back, smirking. “Rule number two, I’m in charge. You do what I say.”
You grinned at his words, “Bossy, aren’t you?”
“Hey, you asked for my help,” He retorted, his confidence returning. “Now, are we doing this or not?” His aquamarine eyes were stuck on you, searching for an answer.
A bright grin adorned your lips as you raised your glass for a toast. “Deal.” You said, “Teach me how to date, muppet.”
He clinked his glass against yours, though the faint blush on his cheeks betrayed his bravado. “Oh, you're going to regret this.”
“Bet.”
The two of you burst into laughter, but as the conversation moved on, neither of you could shake the unspoken tension that lingered in the air. Something new, something electric. Something that could only end up in two ways. Perfectly right or terribly wrong.
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The faint glow of morning sunlight seeped through the blinds, casting soft stripes across your cluttered room. A half-empty glass of water sat precariously on the edge of your nightstand, next to a book you promised yourself you’d finish weeks ago. Outside, the distant hum of traffic mingled with the chirping of early birds, a cruel reminder that the world was already awake.
And then came the shrill ring of your phone, piercing the peace like a dagger.
You groaned, blindly reaching for the offending device. When your hand finally found it, you squinted at the screen through bleary eyes.
Lando. Of course. 
You contemplated letting it ring, but with his persistence, you knew better.
Sliding to answer, you muttered, “What?” Your voice was hoarse, scratchy from sleep.
His unmistakably cheerful voice came from the other end of the line, far too chipper for this hour. “'Morning! Hope you’re ready for your first lesson.”
You blinked at the ceiling, your brain struggling to process his words. “Lan, it’s nearly eight in the morning. Have you gone crazy?”
“Nope,” He replied, completely unbothered. “And that is the perfect time to start our lesson. Come on, get out of bed, stinky.”
You groaned again, pulling the blanket over your head in protest. “Just let me sleep, dickhead.”
“Nope. I’ll be at yours in ten.”
Your eyes snapped open, the phone slipping slightly in your grasp. “Ten minutes?! Lando, I swear—”
“Get ready, you can’t miss your first lesson.” He chortled, making you groan at his words. 
“Fuck you.” You hissed in frustration.
His laughter rang through the line, light and unbothered. “Love you too, sweetheart.”
The call ended before you could respond, leaving you staring at the ceiling in disbelief. The soft ticking of the clock on your wall mocked you as you groaned loudly into your pillow.
For a brief moment, you debated ignoring him, but you knew Lando too well. If you didn’t answer the door, he’d just bang on it until the entire building woke up.
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Lando ended up sticking to his word and arrived in the next ten minutes. You were barely awake when the loud, obnoxious knocking jolted you from your bed. Groaning, you dragged yourself to the door, still wrapped in your blanket. You opened it to find Lando standing there, annoyingly bright-eyed and grinning like the devil himself.
“Morning, sweetheart!” He said, way too chipper for 7 AM.
You squinted at him, clutching your blanket tighter. “It’s not morning. It’s an ungodly hour, and I hate you.”
“Nah, you love me. Now come on, get dressed. We’ve got lessons to start.”
“Lessons on what? Torturing me at ungodly hours?” You grumbled, stepping aside to let him in.
Lando strolled in like he owned the place, collapsing onto your couch. He propped his feet up on your coffee table, looking entirely too comfortable.
“Nope. Lessons on how to become a dating pro, obviously.” He shot you a grin, his dimples on full display. “And step one is not looking like you’ve been hit by a truck.”
You grabbed a pillow from the couch without hesitation and launched it at his head. Laughing, he dodged it effortlessly as he leaned back into the cushions.
“I’m not doing this,” You grumbled, standing with your arms crossed. “Find another victim.”
Lando laughed, patting the spot next to him. “Oh, come on. You know you’re going to have fun. And besides, you were the one who insisted on me teaching you.”
You groaned, finally giving in and sitting next to him, your blanket still draped around your shoulders. “I take it back. This was a terrible idea.” 
He nudged your shoulder with his. “No take-backs. Now, let’s get started. First lesson is about showing up on time and looking cute.” 
You raised an eyebrow at him. “Says the guy in sweatpants and a hoodie.”
Lando laughed, a boyish grin spreading across his face. “Fair point. But you’re still the one who needs lessons, not me. And I’m setting the rules here, aren't I?”
“That’s not a rule. That’s just you being annoying.” You mumbled, burying yourself in the cushions as you leaned back.
“Hey, you want to get better at this or not?” Lando teased, “Now, sit up. Lesson One starts now.”
You groaned but sat up begrudgingly, rubbing your eyes. “Fine.”
Lando crossed his arms, his grin widening. “Lesson One is also about your confidence. The way you carry yourself is everything. If you go on a date looking like you just crawled out of bed—”
“But I did just crawl out of bed!” You snapped.
“Exactly my point.” He said smugly.
You scowled at him, but he was already pulling you to your feet. “Alright,” He said, taking you to your bedroom and spinning you toward the mirror. “Let’s start with posture. Shoulders back, chin up like you want to be here.”
“But I don’t want to be here.” You muttered.
“Fake it till you make it.” Lando quipped.
Reluctantly, you stood up straighter, mimicking his instructions. It looked so weird. You were still in your pyjamas and the blanket now unfortunately lying on the floor. 
He moved to stand behind you, gently adjusting your shoulders. His touch was firm but light, and it made your heart do a little flip—not that you’d want to admit it.
“Better,” He said, nodding at your reflection. “Now, confidence isn’t just how you look. It’s how you speak. Give me your best ‘Hi, nice to meet you.’”
You cleared your throat, feeling ridiculous. “Hi, nice to meet you.”
Lando winced dramatically, tilting his head to look at you in your reflection. “Ugh, no. That sounded like you were apologizing for existing. Try again—this time, like you’re happy to meet me.”
You rolled your eyes but tried again, adding a bit more energy to your voice. “Hi, nice to meet you!”
He raised an eyebrow. “Better, but now you sound like a game show host.”
You groaned. “Lando, this is stupid.”
“No, this is important,” He said, laughing. “You’ve got to find the balance—confident but natural.”
You tried again, narrowing your eyes at him as you said, “Hi, nice to meet you.”
Lando smirked. “There it is. See? Not that hard, is it?”
“You’re so lucky I haven’t had my coffee yet, or I’d kill you for this.” You muttered, glaring at him. 
“Which brings me to the second part of Lesson One,” He said, ignoring your threat. “Eye contact. If you want someone to feel like they matter, you look them in the eyes.”
You crossed your arms nonchalantly. “That’s easy.”
He stepped closer, spinning you around to face him. “Okay, prove it.”
Your breath was caught in your lungs as his blue-green eyes locked onto yours. He held your gaze steadily, a teasing smirk tugging at his lips. Suddenly, eye contact didn’t feel so easy.
“See? Not so simple, huh?” He said, his voice lower now, but still playful.
You scoffed, breaking eye contact and turning away. “Whatever. You’re just distracting.”
Lando chuckled. “That’s the point. A good date is gonna test your confidence. If you can hold your ground with me, then you’re more than ready.”
Despite your initial grumpiness, you found yourself smiling. His teasing felt less like mockery and more like encouragement, and as you practiced a few more scenarios—bantering the entire time—you started to feel a little less self-conscious.
By the time you were both laughing too hard to continue, your stomach growled loudly.
Lando raised an eyebrow, grinning. “Alright, I think we’ve earned a break. Let’s go get breakfast. My treat—since I’m such a generous coach.”
“You? Generous?” You questioned, grabbing your bag. “You’re a menace.”
“A menace who’s gonna make you a dating pro.” He shot back, winking at you as he held the door open for you.
You rolled your eyes but followed him out, feeling oddly lighter than you had in days. Maybe this “lesson” thing wouldn’t be so bad after all.
────୨ৎ────
As your second lesson, Lando took you this afternoon to your favourite café.
The café bustled with the quiet hum of chatter, the hiss of the espresso machine, and the clinking of ceramic cups. A group of teenagers laughed at a corner table, while an older couple sat by the window, sharing a croissant. 
You sat across from Lando, arms crossed as he leaned casually against the edge of the table, his grin infuriatingly smug. 
“This is ridiculous,” You said, glancing around the room. “What am I even supposed to do?”
He smirked, taking a slow sip of his coffee. “Easy. Pretend I’m a random guy you’re interested in. Strike up a conversation—charm me.” A smug smile appeared on his lips.
Your eyes narrowed. “You realize you’re not exactly a random guy, right?”
“Exactly my point. If you can charm me, you can charm anyone.”
You rolled your eyes but couldn’t stop the flicker of a smile. “Fine. But don’t blame me when you’re left speechless.”
“That’s the spirit.” He sat back, crossing his arms, his expression all too amused.
Taking a deep breath, you leaned forward, mimicking what you thought was an effortless smile. “Hi there,” You said sweetly, your voice dripping with mock charm. “I couldn’t help but notice your incredibly obnoxious smirk from across the room. Do you always look this punchable, or is it just today?”
Lando choked on his coffee, holding back his laughter as people around already looked in your direction from his sudden slam of the cup against the coffee plate. 
“Okay, okay,” He said, wiping his mouth. “Not bad, but maybe dial it back a bit. Save the insults for date three.”
You groaned, sinking back into your chair. “This is stupid. What’s even the point?”
“The point,” He started, leaning forward, his eyes suddenly serious, “is to get you out of your head. You’re overthinking everything.”
You frowned, his words hitting a little too close to home. “I’m not overthinking. I’m just… bad at this.”
“You’re not bad at this,” He said softly. “You just don’t trust yourself.” The warmth in his voice caught you off guard. 
His gaze softened, his blue-green eyes holding yours in a way that made your stomach flip. You looked away, suddenly hyper-aware of how close he was, the way his knee brushed yours under the tiny table.
“Alright, let’s switch it up,” He said, breaking the tension. “We’ll role-play, but I’ll start this time. Watch and learn.”
He straightened in his chair, his playful smirk returning. “Excuse me, miss,” He said, his voice smoother than you’d ever heard it. “I couldn’t help but notice you’re sitting here all alone, looking like you could use some company.”
You raised an eyebrow, struggling to hide your grin. “That’s your line? Seriously, Norris?”
“Hey, usually it works,” He shot back, chuckling. “Now play along.”
“Fine.” You leaned forward, your lips twitching as you tried to stay in character. “Well, that depends. Are you always this confident, or are you just pretending because you’re at a café?”
He grinned, his eyes sparkling with mischief. “Only when I meet someone worth talking to.”
Your heart skipped a beat, the playful banter taking on an undercurrent of something deeper. The air between you shifted, the teasing smiles lingering a little too long, your gazes locked a little too intensely.
“See?” He said finally, “You’ve got this.”
You swallowed, your throat suddenly dry. “Yeah. I guess I do.”
The moment lingered, the conversation forgotten as silence fell between you. Lando’s fingers tapped against his cup, his gaze flicking to your lips for the briefest second before his eyes were back on yours. He sent you one of the innocent smiles as he took his cup of coffee and took a sip from it. 
Gosh, he’s going to be the death of you someday.
────୨ৎ────
The walk back from the café had been a peaceful one, with the sun setting slowly behind the buildings, casting the streets in a warm, golden light. 
Lando, always with that easy confidence, walked beside you, humming a tune under his breath while you quietly scrolled through your phone. Every now and then, your shoulders brushed as you walked, and you couldn’t ignore the warmth that spread through you every time.
Eventually, though, Lando broke the silence. “I’m starving,” He announced, his voice breaking through your thoughts. “Let’s grab some snacks.”
You raised an eyebrow at him, a playful smirk tugging at your lips. “Snack run? You’re not getting chips again, are you?”
He shrugged casually, his hands buried in the pockets of his jeans, “I could eat chips for days, but no, I was thinking something different this time.”
“Uh-huh. You’re definitely getting chips.”
He grinned, pulling you toward the nearby grocery store. “You’ll see.”
The store filled a quiet hum of its own, the soft overhead lights buzzing faintly as you both entered with a bell ringing above you. A few late-night shoppers wandered the aisles, their footsteps quick and quiet. You two, however, were a whirlwind of chaos.
You immediately lined in for the snack aisle, while Lando—naturally—dashed off to the drink section, presumably for his endless supply of energy drinks.
You grabbed a bag of chips and stared at the labels, debating between your usual choice or something more adventurous. Suddenly, Lando appeared next to you, his basket full of neon-colored cans.
“Seriously?” You asked, eyeing his choice of drinks—five different kinds of energy drinks, none of which were remotely good for a person.
“What?” He shrugged, grinning. “I need my fuel. I don’t know how you live without these.”
“I’m more concerned about how your insides haven’t exploded yet.” You glanced at his cart again and shook your head. “You’re going to rot your teeth with this crap.”
Lando laughed, tossing a can of the brightest energy drink into his cart. “I’m fine. This stuff keeps me going. It’s your snacks that I’m worried about.” He grabbed your bag of chips and held it up, his face twisted in mock disgust. “See, this is why no one dates you.” 
You snatched the chips back, pointing at his basket with a dramatic sigh. “And this is why you’re single, you muppet. Candy and caffeine? Really?”
He looked at the kinder chocolates in his cart and then back at you, eyes narrowing. “Hey, I can’t help it if I like a little sugar rush now and then.”
“Sure, because we all know sugar rushes are the key to true love.” You replied sarcastically.
You both continued down the aisles, and before you knew it, you had found yourselves near the instant food section, where an impromptu race had begun. 
Lando, looked at you with that mischievous glint in his eye. “Race me to the candy aisle.” He challenged, grinning brightly.
“You’re on.” You replied with a smug smile on your face.
A blur of movement and laughter followed as you both sped down the aisles, dodging random items and barely avoiding a collision with a display of cereal boxes. You both nearly lost control a few times, but you managed to get into the candy aisle. You could hear Lando laughing behind you, the sound louder than your own heart pounding in your chest.
“Too slow!” You yelled, looking over your shoulder and laughing, feeling a rush of freedom you hadn’t expected. 
But just as you were about to win, you swerved too sharply, bumping into a shelf with your arm. Packs of gum and chocolate bars cascaded onto the floor in a loud crash. You let out a loud gasp as your hand flew to your mouth in shock.
“Nice one.” Lando teased, stopping beside you. He was giggling and you stood there, caught between wanting to be mad and laughing with him. “I’m blaming you for this.” You said. 
“Of course you are.” He teased you.
“But you know I won, right?” You added, raising your eyebrow at him, “I don’t think that counts when you caused a mini disaster.”
You both spent the next few minutes putting everything back in place, much to the amusement of the other customers in the store. 
Finally, you made your way to the checkout counter, where the middle-aged, woman cashier gave you both a disbelieving look as she scanned your wildly mismatched purchases.
“Is this your dinner?” She asked with a raised eyebrow.
“Not sure what we’re having yet, but we’ll figure it out.” Lando replied smoothly, grinning at you. You rolled your eyes at him. “At least we’ll have fun while we starve.” He added.
After the chaotic trip to the store, you were both exhausted, but the laughter still lingered. The cool evening air was refreshing as you walked home, each of you carrying a bag full of questionable snack choices. Every now and then, your hands brushed, but neither of you said anything about it.
“See?” Lando started, glancing at you. “That wasn’t so bad, was it?” He sent you a bright grin.
You smiled, a little breathless from the adrenaline. “It was a disaster, but I’ll admit, it was fun.”
He glanced at you sideways, his grin softening. “Well, next time, I’ll win the race.”
“Oh, please. You cheated.”
“Can’t blame me for taking advantage of your terrible operating skills.” Lando said with a wink. 
You laughed, playfully nudging him with your shoulder. “You’re impossible.”
“But you like it.” He added, nudging you back. 
And suddenly, the air between you shifted. The easy banter was still there, but now it felt heavier, like something unspoken was hanging in the silence. You both stopped walking, and for a moment, neither of you said anything.
It was Lando who broke the quiet, his voice softer than usual. “You’re the best part of my day, you know that?”
You blinked, your heart giving an unexpected leap in your chest. “I— what?”
“Just saying.” He chirped, smiling brightly but there was something vulnerable in his eyes now.
You swallowed, unsure of how to respond. It felt like everything had changed, but you didn’t know how.
Before you could say anything, he nudged you with his shoulder again, snapping you back to reality. “Anyway, time for our questionable snacks.”
You laughed again, trying to push down the rising feelings inside you. “Yeah, yeah. Lead the way.” You said as you both strolled to your apartment.
────୨ৎ────
Lando kicked off his shoes and tossed his jacket onto the couch, walking into his apartment, but it didn’t feel like home tonight. The place was too quiet, too still. His thoughts were loud, buzzing like an electric current through his mind, and he couldn’t seem to shut them off.
He plopped down on the couch, rubbing his face with both hands. His mind kept wandering back to the day with you, your lesson at the cafe, the grocery store, the spontaneous shopping race, and hanging out at your place while eating the snacks you bought. 
The way you laughed at him, how easy it was to be around you, and how, for some reason, he found himself feeling… more than just amused.
The smile on your face earlier that day—genuine and warm—kept replaying in his mind, over and over. And he hated it. It was ridiculous how a simple smile, something so normal, could make his stomach twist in a way that left him more confused than he’d ever been.
He glanced at his phone. No messages. But then a notification popped up from no one other than you. You’d sent him a message after he’d dropped you off.
You:
thanks for today, Lan
i had fun
even though you’re a cheating dickhead :p
Lando smiled at the screen like a teenager in love, but quickly slapped his face, trying to stabilize his facial expression. Even though he was alone, it felt a little absurd to smile over a text. But that was from you. You always knew how to make him feel something, even in the smallest moments.
His fingers hovered over the screen. He had a million things he could say—some sarcastic, some teasing, some that maybe he really wanted to say. But he chose the simplest one, the kind of response that still had a little bit of that playful energy between the two of you.
Lando:
you’re welcome, sweetheart
glad i could teach you another lesson today
let me know when you’re ready to graduate to full-on grocery shopping ;)
It was light, harmless, but he felt a small jolt in his chest after sending it, like he was waiting for something. For what? He wasn’t sure.
He leaned back against the couch, staring up at the ceiling. The silence of the room almost felt suffocating. He didn’t know what to make of this… whatever it was that was happening between you two.
He liked you—he knew that, and it wasn’t just because you’ve known each other since primary school, made him laugh or challenged him. It was deeper than that, wasn’t it? 
He didn’t want to admit it, but it felt like you’d somehow slipped into the space in his life where no one else had been allowed.
It was annoying, really. Why was it so hard to admit? Why was he so afraid of what it meant?
Just as he thought about getting up and going to freshen up, his phone buzzed again. 
You:
i’ll keep that in mind lol
btw, thanks for another lesson
He laughed softly to himself, biting back a smile. You were always so quick with your words, so playful. It made everything seem… easier.
For a moment, he let the conversation sit there, letting the words linger in his mind. He felt something stirring—something different—but he couldn’t put his finger on it. 
Something that maybe had been there for a while, but that he hadn’t noticed until now. Or maybe, just maybe, he’d been choosing not to notice it.
And then, as though his brain couldn’t stop itself, his mind wandered back to those stupid moments from today—your laugh, the way your eyes lit up when you’d teased him during the lesson. The way his chest tightened when he caught your hand brushing against his while cleaning up the shelf, even if it was just for a second. The way he couldn’t stop thinking about how natural it all felt, how right it felt to be with you.
But you were still just his friend, right?
He sighed, glancing at his phone again, watching the screen go dark as the conversation faded. It was nothing. Nothing more than a friendship. Nothing more than today, anyway.
Lando stood up abruptly and walked over to his kitchen, grabbing a bottle of water. But the second he opened the fridge, he froze.
He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to feel about all of this. And it was driving him mad. Maybe it was just because you were such a huge part of his life—maybe it was just that. Maybe the little jokes, the constant teasing, the weird way he found himself thinking about you all the time. It was all just normal to him.
But the more he tried to convince himself of that, the more the doubt crept in. He couldn’t stop thinking about it—about you.
“Fuck.” He muttered to himself, leaning against the door of the fridge, gripping the bottle tightly in his hand. 
He’d been so determined not to let anything change, to keep this whole thing casual, lighthearted. But now? Now he wasn’t sure what it was anymore.
Lando took a long drink from the bottle and shook his head. He needed to stop. He needed to focus on something else—anything else. He needed to stop thi.
Oh, but it didn’t stop. The question lingered like an itch he couldn’t scratch. What was this?
He grabbed his phone again, thumb hovering over the screen, and then deleted the text he was about to send you. What could he even say? The words wouldn’t be enough. Maybe he just needed to sleep on it. Maybe tomorrow would make everything clearer.
Or maybe, deep down, he knew exactly what this was, but he wasn’t ready to face it yet.
────୨ৎ────
After a few weeks of playful lessons, things had been going surprisingly well. Lando’s tips—however smugly delivered—seemed to make sense, and you’d actually started to feel more confident. So, when a cute guy from a bookshop asked you out, you decided to test the waters without telling Lando.
Now, standing in front of him as he stared at you with narrowed eyes, you regretted not mentioning it.
“Wait— you what?” He asked, his voice sharp.
You winced at him. “I went on a date. Just to see if your advice was actually working.”
Lando leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms. His usual teasing grin was gone, replaced by something tense and unreadable. “So, let me get this straight—you didn’t trust the lessons, and you went behind my back to… fact-check me?”
You frowned. “No, Lando. I wasn’t questioning you or your advice. I just wanted to— I don’t know, see if I could actually do this.”
His eyes narrowed, and his voice dropped slightly. “And? Did it work?” He asked nonchalantly.
You hesitated, suddenly unsure why you felt guilty. “Well… yeah, actually. He said I seemed confident and easy to talk to.”
Lando let out a humorless laugh, running a hand through his hair. “Great. Glad I could help you land another date.”
You blinked, confused by his sudden bitterness. “Why are you being so weird about this? Isn’t this exactly what we were doing? You teach me, I try it out. What’s the big deal?”
He sighed deeply while looking away to the side. His jaw was tight, his arms still crossed.
“The big deal,” He said, his voice low, “Is that I thought this was about us working on something together, not you taking what I gave you and— ...and running off with it like it doesn’t matter.”
Your brow furrowed as you crossed your arms. “But it does matter! I wouldn’t have done half as well without you and your help. I just didn’t think I needed to check in with you before trying it out. ”
Lando scoffed, looking away as if to gather his thoughts. Then, almost too quietly, he muttered, “It’s not about the lessons.”
You froze. “What?”
He ran a hand over his face, frustrated. “Nah, never mind.”
“No, Lando. What do you mean it’s not about the lessons?” You pressed, stepping closer.
He hesitated, his eyes meeting yours for a moment before darting away. “It’s just… I didn’t think you’d actually go out with someone else, alright? Not after—” He cut himself off, biting the inside of his cheek.
Your heart thudded loudly in your chest. “Not after what?”
He let out a long breath, finally looking at you with an expression that was equal parts exasperation and something softer. “Not after this.” He gestured vaguely between the two of you.
You stared at him, confused and a little breathless. But then it struck you. “You’re jealous.”
“No, I’m not jealous.” He shot back quickly, but his tone betrayed him.
Your lips twitched into a smirk. “You’re totally jealous, Lando.”
“You’re missing the point!” He snapped, getting up from the chair, his frustration rising. But then he paused, realizing how close he was to you, and his voice softened. “I just— I thought maybe…” He trailed off, his eyes searching yours, and suddenly the air between you felt impossibly heavy.
“Thought what?” You whispered, your heart racing. 
Lando hesitated for a moment too long, then shook his head with a self-deprecating laugh. “Forget it. It doesn’t matter.”
But you knew it did matter. And now, for the first time, you were starting to understand why.
────୨ৎ────
You were standing in front of Lando’s apartment door, feeling strangely nervous for a reason you couldn’t quite place. Sure, you were used to the lessons by now—playful banter, lighthearted mockery, the usual. But today felt different. 
It had been weeks since that conversation where Lando seemed to hint at something deeper, and even though neither of you had addressed it directly, you felt the weight of it every time you saw him.
Your hand hovered over the doorbell, and just before you could press it, the door swung open, revealing Lando standing there, a small, knowing smirk on his face.
“Look who’s here early.” He teased, but there was something almost warm in his tone. 
You rolled your eyes, but you couldn’t ignore the way your heart fluttered at the sight of him. “Let’s just get this over with.” You muttered, trying to dismiss the uneasy feeling in your stomach.
He raised an eyebrow, clearly amused. “You seem tense. That’s new. I thought we were past the awkward stage by now.”
You hesitated for a moment before stepping inside, keeping the mood light. “Maybe it’s because your lessons are starting to feel like a bad rom-com.”
Lando chuckled, leading you to the living room. “I told you I was a genius. Just wait. You’ll thank me when you’re out there with some hot guy and you’re getting all the attention.”
You rolled your eyes again, but your stomach fluttered, imagining what it would feel like to actually be seen like that. Confident, poised, able to captivate someone’s attention.
“Alright,” Lando said, suddenly more serious. He turned to face you, his posture shifting as he adopted a more intense, focused air. “Today’s lesson is about vulnerability.”
“Vulnerability?” You blinked as you repeated, trying to sound nonchalant, but you could already feel the walls in your chest start to rise. “Isn’t that a bit heavy for a lesson about dating?”
Lando nodded, his eyes serious now. “It’s important, though. People can sense when you’re holding back, when you’re not being real with them. If you want something deeper than just a casual fling, you need to be willing to be vulnerable. Not just with them—but with yourself.”
You stood still, his words sinking in slowly. This felt like it was crossing a line into something deeper, something far more personal. You weren’t sure if you were ready for it, and yet, a part of you knew that you had to be.
“Fine.” You said, trying to sound confident even as you felt the already said vulnerability creeping up inside you. “What do we do? Cry in a circle? Share our deepest fears?” You asked as you said on the floor, in front of the couch.
He sat down beside you, close enough that you could feel the heat from his body. It made the air between you crackle with tension, and you suddenly became hyper-aware of everything. His scent. His proximity. The way his eyes lingered just a little too long on you.
“Simple,” Lando replied, his voice dropping a little lower. “I’m going to ask you some questions, and this time—no dodging, no deflecting. Just be honest, okay?” He questioned to which you replied with a soft nod.
Lando was silent for a moment, as if picking his words carefully. “What’s something about yourself you don’t let other people see? Something you’ve been hiding because you’re scared to show it?”
You froze. You hadn’t expected a question like that. There were so many things you kept buried deep—things you didn’t even like to think about, let alone talk about with anyone.
“I—” You faltered, not sure how to answer. “I don’t know. Maybe… I guess I keep everyone at arm’s length. I don’t let anyone get too close.”
Lando’s eyes softened, his gaze intense, as if he was trying to read you in a way no one else ever had. “Why do you do that?”
You shifted uncomfortably. “Because… I don’t want to get hurt. If I let someone in too far, I know they could leave. I’ve seen it happen before.”
He didn’t respond immediately. Instead, he just nodded, as if taking in everything you had just said. 
Then, his voice was quieter, almost gentle. “I get that. But you know, if you don’t let anyone close, you’ll never know what it’s like to have someone who truly cares. To experience something real.”
The weight of his words settled heavily between you, and you felt your heart race, your pulse pounding in your ears. It was almost like you could hear your own fear in the way he spoke, and the vulnerability you had tried to guard so carefully was slowly cracking open.
You looked at him, your eyes locking, and for the first time in weeks, there was no joking, no playful teasing. Just raw, unspoken understanding.
Lando’s gaze softened, “Alright, second question. What’s your biggest relationship fear?”
The question hit you like a punch to the gut. You weren’t ready for this. You thought the first question was hard, but this actually hit too close to home. You opened your mouth, but no words came out. Guess he really wanted to make you feel vulnerable.
Lando’s gaze softened as he leaned back against the couch, arms crossed. His casual demeanor was a stark contrast to the tension that seemed to have settled between you two. 
You shifted uncomfortably under his stare, feeling the weight of his question hanging in the air.
He raised an eyebrow, his voice coaxing but still playful. “Trust me,” He teased, leaning a bit too close. “You’ve learned enough already to get by, now I want to know, what’s your biggest relationship fear?”
You hesitated, your mind spinning with the potential answers. Could you really tell him? Could you really let him see this side of you?
The weight of his gaze made your stomach tighten, and you instinctively looked away. Your throat tightened as the words got stuck. But Lando was persistent, his tone softening as he urged you on.
“C’mon, don’t hold back on me, alright?” He smiled, though there was an edge of concern beneath the teasing.
You sighed, feeling the vulnerability slip through your defenses like a crack in a dam. The question was simple, but it dug deeper than you expected. 
Your biggest fear? It wasn’t the fear of being alone, or of having bad dates, or of not being good enough. It was something much more raw.
You turned your gaze to the window, as if the quiet night outside could offer you some comfort.“I’m afraid of being too much,” You said softly, barely above a whisper. “Too loud, too emotional, too difficult to handle. I think that sometimes people get overwhelmed by me, and I always end up pushing them away without meaning to.”
The confession hung in the air, a weight you hadn’t realized you’d been carrying. You nervously fidgeted with the hem of your sleeve, avoiding Lando’s gaze. You didn’t want to see his judgment, didn’t want to see pity.
But then, you heard him move. His presence shifted beside you, and you blinked in surprise when you felt the light pressure of his hand on your thigh, where he gave you a small squeeze.
“Hey,” His voice was quieter, almost tender. “That’s not something to be ashamed of. Being a lot, or feeling deeply, doesn’t make you any less worthy of love. It makes you real.”
You swallowed hard, and finally dared to meet his eyes. There was no judgment there, no pity—just a quiet understanding that you weren’t sure you deserved.
“And I can assure you, you’re not the only one.” He said softly, his hand still resting on your arm, the warmth of it grounding you. “Tell me something I don’t know. I’m usually too much for some people. And I’ve got my own stuff I keep hidden too. Things I’m scared of showing because they might make people leave.”
You frowned, glancing at him in confusion. “What do you mean?”
Lando smirked but there was something in his eyes—a vulnerability that he rarely showed. “Guess we’re both pretty good at pretending everything’s fine, huh?”
His honesty was a jarring contrast to his usual banter. You felt a flutter in your chest, your emotions swirling, and you couldn’t help but wonder if he was saying more than he was letting on. But the moment was fragile, so you held onto it—this quiet, raw connection that seemed to be growing between you two..
But then, before either of you could say anything more, there was a loud knock at the door, and the moment shattered. You both pulled back almost instinctively, like the world had shifted around you, leaving you both caught in the silence that followed.
“Right on cue.” He muttered, standing quickly and walking to the door.
You took a few moments to compose yourself, trying to shake off the rawness of the conversation, but it lingered like a storm cloud between you both.
As the door opened, Max stepped in, cans of beer in his hands while grinning. He glanced between you and Lando, his eyes flickered in curiosity, sensing the tension in the air but not quite understanding it.
“Did I interrupt something?” Max asked, his tone playful but a little teasing.
You gave him a tight smile, shaking your head. “No, you’re good. I was just heading out.”
Max raised an eyebrow, obviously skeptical, but he didn’t press the matter further. He nodded and flashed a quick smile at you. “Alright, well, I’ll leave you two to it. Catch you later.”
You nodded, muttering a quick goodbye to both of them before walking toward the door. Lando stood by the entrance, watching you go with a guarded expression, but something in his eyes—something soft, something unspoken—made your heart flutter, and you almost felt like turning back. But you didn’t.
You left his apartment, stepping out into the cool night air, the streetlights casting long shadows over the pavement. As you walked, your thoughts raced.
What had just happened?
Your heart still thudded loudly in your chest, your mind replaying the vulnerable words you’d both shared. 
You couldn’t stop thinking about Lando—how close he had been, how it felt like you were on the verge of something monumental, but then it all had been pulled away so abruptly. 
You wanted to understand it, but it was like trying to grasp smoke with your bare hands. You were certain you had just glimpsed something real between you—something that you both hadn’t acknowledged yet—but what was it?
Your steps slowed as you walked, the cool air biting at your skin, the questions swirling in your head. Why did it feel like something had shifted between you two? You weren’t sure, but you couldn’t deny the feeling that there was something more there. Something that was suddenly too real to ignore.
Was it the way his voice softened when he talked about his struggles? Or maybe it was the way his eyes had stayed on you for just a moment too long before the interruption of Max? You shook your head. It wasn’t that simple. But what if it was?
You reached your apartment building, your feet carrying you without much thought as you tried to put the evening into perspective. It wasn’t just the lessons anymore. It was about him. Lando.
You walked into your building and up the stairs, but all you could think about was that moment, when everything had nearly cracked open between you two.
What now?
────୨ৎ────
It had already been three months since Lando started these “dating lessons.” At first, you hated every moment of it. The early mornings, the awkward tips on what to say, the forced banter that seemed like it was straight out of some romance movie. You had thought the whole thing was ridiculous, a waste of time. 
You never signed up to learn how to date—it was just supposed to be you figuring it out. But now? Well, now it was different. You found yourself looking forward to it. The lessons didn’t feel like lessons anymore, they felt like moments spent with him. 
Lando’s sarcasm was easier to swallow, his teasing was less annoying, and you found yourself actually learning—not just about dating, but about the person you were becoming with each interaction.
The lessons had evolved from mere exercises in how to behave on a date to something more. There was the grocery store adventure where you both raced around the aisles, the heated debates about the best snack brands, the quiet nights spent in his apartment watching movies where you’d catch yourself laughing too hard at his jokes.
And then there was the way he had started to look at you when he thought you weren’t paying attention—the moments when his hand brushed against yours, the small smiles that lingered longer than usual. You weren’t sure when it had happened, but somewhere between his casual insults and your joking comebacks, something had shifted.
You found yourself wanting him more and more. Wanting to be around him, laugh with him, touch him. But you couldn’t tell him that, could you? You were supposed to be learning, not falling for him.
The night before, you’d spent hours talking in his kitchen over a takeout, sharing a bottle of wine. The banter was still there, but it was different. There was an electricity in the air, a tension that neither of you seemed to want to acknowledge. You laughed, but there was something softer about the way you looked at each other now.
Tonight, your group of friends decided to hit the club and chill out together.
The night was electric as you entered the club with your friends. The music thumped in your chest, the bright lights flashing in time with the beat, and the laughter of your group filled the air as you made your way to the VIP section. 
Alex was by your side, pulling you along, while Lando and Charles were chatting up with the staff, trying to get the best spot. Carlos and Rebecca were already ahead, eagerly chatting with the bartender about the best drinks of the night.
You were dressed up to the nines—a bold, black dress that hugged your figure just right, makeup that added to your confidence, and heels that made you feel like you were walking on air.
Every movement was self-assured, purposeful, but underneath it all, you felt the familiar flutter of nerves. It was a big night—your first real night out since those dating lessons with Lando, and small practice blind dates after deciding later with Lando that it was, indeed, practical.
You caught a glimpse of Lando in the crowd, looking effortlessly cool in a black button-up shirt, sleeves rolled up, and his signature smirk playing at the corner of his mouth. But as you locked eyes for a moment, something shifted between you. He stared for just a beat too long, and you couldn’t help but wonder if he felt it too. His gaze darkened with something unreadable, something that made your heart skip.
The club was alive with energy, but you couldn’t shake the feeling that Lando was watching you—really watching you. Every time you moved through the crowd, you felt his eyes follow your every step, and you knew it wasn’t just about the way you looked. His gaze was intense, and you couldn’t tell if he was angry or just… interested.
As the night wore on, Alex and you had mingled with the others, having fun, drinking, laughing, and meeting new people. You felt the buzz of alcohol loosening your usual inhibitions, but at the same time, you couldn’t help but still feel Lando’s presence, like an electric current running through the air. Every now and then, you’d catch him looking your way—his jaw tight, lips pressed together, as if he was holding something back.
One guy, a charming stranger with a cocky grin, approached you while you were chatting with Alex. He made some casual comment about your dress, a compliment that felt a little too insistent for your liking. You tried to brush him off politely, but he was persistent. And that’s when you saw it. Lando’s posture stiffened from across the room. His jaw clenched as he observed the whole exchange. It wasn’t just jealousy—it was a raw, protective energy that you couldn’t ignore.
Your heart raced in your chest. Why was this affecting you so much? Lando was just a friend, and the alcohol in your veins was making you feel about this differently. That’s all. But the way he was looking at you— no, the way he was staring, it made you feel things you weren’t prepared for.
“Hey, are you alright?” Alex asked, breaking through your thoughts.
“Yeah, just… a little tired,” You said quickly, waving it off. “Let’s just get another round, yeah?” You suggested, trying to shake away the thoughts of a certain, aquamarine eyed man.
The night continued, the drinks flowed freely, and you eventually found yourself standing in the middle of the dance floor, surrounded by the heat of the crowd. Lando had suddenly joined you, and as if it was all part of some unspoken plan, he pulled you closer, hand at the small of your back. Your breath hitched as he led you into the rhythm, the music pulsing around you like the beating of a shared heart.
The chemistry between you was undeniable, and on the dance floor, it felt like everything fell away. All you could feel was him. His movements were fluid, confident, and his hands—oh, his hands. They were occupying your waist, guiding you, but also holding you in a way that felt almost intimate.
Your body swayed against his with the music, each movement a little more daring than the last, a little more intimate. The space between you two closed, and suddenly, it wasn’t just dancing anymore—it was something much, much more. Every subtle shift of his body, every moment when he pressed a little closer, felt like a promise. Your chest brushed against his with every step, the air between you electric.
Lando’s lips were close to your ear, his breath warm against your skin. “You’re really good at this, sweetheart,” He murmured, his voice rough, as though he was struggling to keep himself composed. “I don’t remember teaching you this.”
You tilted your head back, catching his gaze, and you were met with something that made your stomach flutter. His eyes were dark, pupils dilated, and you could see the flicker of something unsaid in them. 
Your pulse quickened as his hand slid lower down your back, pulling you even closer. The music swirled around you, but in that moment, all you could hear was the sound of your own heart racing.
“I’m just following your lead.” You whispered back, a hint of a smile tugging at your lips. But your voice betrayed you, breaking just a little as you felt a rush of heat flood through you.
Lando’s grip tightened, his hand now resting against the curve of your waist, his thumb brushing the soft skin just below your ribcage. He was so close. Your lips were inches apart, your breath mingling in the small gap between you. You could feel the heat of his body, the tension that was growing, pulling you in. It felt like an inevitable pull, like everything had been leading to this moment.
But just as you leaned in, as your lips were just about to meet, a loud voice cut through the noise of the club.
“Hey! Another round of shots, guys!” Carlos yelled from across the dance floor, completely oblivious to the burning tension that had just built between you and Lando.
Both of you froze, stepping back slightly, your heart thundering in your chest. Lando cleared his throat awkwardly, giving you a half-smile, but his eyes couldn’t hide the frustration, the want that had been building just moments ago.
“Yeah— shots. Right.” He muttered, still catching his breath.
You felt the cold air hit your face as the space between you widened. The magic of the moment shattered, leaving an uncomfortable silence hanging in the air.
As you both made your way back to the group, there was an unspoken tension between you, thick and unresolved. Your thoughts were a mess, and it felt like your body was still alive with the electricity of that almost-kiss. But now, as you rejoined the others, it was as though nothing had happened. 
You both put on your masks—smiles, laughter, easy banter. But underneath, you couldn’t help but feel the weight of what was left unsaid and undone.
────୨ৎ────
The late afternoon sun streamed into the cozy living room of Alex and Charles’ apartment, casting warm hues over the array of half-empty snack bowls and scattered magazines. 
You sat cross-legged on the couch, a fuzzy blanket draped over your lap, while Alex leaned against the armrest, gently stroking Leo who slept next to her. 
Charles was out for work related things, and Lando was thank God busy hanging out with his friends from Quadrant. That left a perfect opportunity for both of you to finally meet and for you to escape from him.
Hanging out with Alex was so comfortable and effortless for you. She was a great friend, and you always felt like you didn’t have to pretend to be someone you weren’t when you were with her. Laughter filled the room as the two of you gossiped about everything and nothing.
“I’m telling you, the barista at that café definitely has a thing for Charles,” Alex said, her eyes sparkling with amusement. “She’s been giving him extra foam hearts in his coffee for weeks now. As if she doesn’t know he’s already taken.” She added chuckling at the end.
You laughed, holding a cup of tea. “Please, and he probably thinks it’s just good customer service.”
Alex snorted. “God, you’re so right. That man’s clueless unless it’s about racing, Leo or what tie matches his suit.”
The conversation flowed easily, as it always did with Alex. It wasn’t until there was a lull that she glanced at you with a curious tilt of her head.
“So… how are things going with Lando?”
Your heart skipped a beat, and for a moment, you froze. Did she know about what happened in the club? Or what have you two been doing recently?
Memories of the lessons, the banter, and the night at the club with almost kissing each other flashed through your mind. You had to stop yourself from blurting it all out then and there. Instead, you swallowed hard, forcing a casual smile.
“Oh, you know,” You said, waving a hand dismissively. “Same as always. He’s still… Lando.”
You skipped the detail that since the night out, you two haven’t hung out or had your lesson yet. You barely texted each other, the unspoken words and tension from that memorable night still vivid in your minds.
Alex raised an eyebrow, clearly not convinced. “And the dates? How’s the whole ‘finding the one’ thing going?”
You scrambled for an answer, laughing nervously as you tried to keep your cool. “Oh, still terrible. Absolute disasters every time. Honestly, it’s like a bad rom-com at this point.”
Alex laughed, thankfully buying your excuse. She reached for a piece of chocolate from the coffee table and popped it into her mouth. “Well, maybe that’s about to change.” She suggested, a sly smile spreading across her face.
You furrowed your brow, tilting your head. “What do you mean?” You asked, taking a sip of your tea.
“Joshua,” She said, leaning closer as though she was letting you in on a secret. “He’s coming to Monaco in a month.”
“Joshua?” You asked, the name unfamiliar.
“My lifelong friend,” Alex explained, her excitement bubbling over. “He’s absolutely lovely. Smart, funny, sweet, and charming. Basically, the perfect guy you could’ve thought of. I’ve always thought he and you might hit it off.” 
Your stomach twisted uncomfortably at her words, but you forced yourself to keep your expression neutral. “Oh,” You blurted out, trying to sound nonchalant. “That’s— nice.”
“Nice? Are you kidding me?” Alex said, sitting up straighter while also watching out not to wake up Leo. “He’s perfect for you. And he’s single. I’ll introduce you when he gets here.”
You hesitated, feeling a strange heaviness settle over you. “I don’t know, Alex…”
“Come on!” She urged, her eyes lighting up with excitement. “What’s the worst that could happen? One date, just one. And if it’s a disaster, I’ll never bring it up again. But I really think you’ll like him.”
After a moment of silence, you sighed, relenting under her hopeful gaze. “Alright, fine. One date.”
Alex clapped her hands, grinning from ear to ear. “Yes! You won’t regret this, I promise. Joshua is amazing.”
You laughed lightly, but as the conversation shifted back to lighter topics, a nagging feeling lingered in your chest. The thought of going on a date with someone new felt… strange. Unsettling. You told yourself it was just nerves, but deep down, you couldn’t shake the image of a certain someone’s lopsided grin and teasing eyes.
As Alex continued to talk, you found yourself half-listening, your thoughts drifting elsewhere. 
What would Lando think about this? Would he even care?
The uneasy feeling in your stomach didn’t fade, and as Alex’s laughter filled the room, you couldn’t help but wonder if agreeing to the date was a mistake.
────୨ৎ────
The warm night air was thick with tension as you leaned against the hood of Lando’s McLaren, the Monaco skyline stretching out behind you in a sea of glittering lights. 
This was supposed to be just another lesson, but something had shifted between you. Every touch, every lingering look—it all felt heavier, like you were teetering on the edge of something you couldn’t name.
Lando stood a few feet away, his hands stuffed in his pockets, watching you with a strange mix of curiosity and hesitation. He was always so confident, so sure of himself, but tonight there was an unspoken weight in the way his gaze lingered on you.
“Alright,” He finally said, breaking the silence. His tone was casual, but there was an undercurrent of something deeper. “Tonight’s lesson is about the end of date scenarios. The big moment—to kiss or not to kiss.”
You raised an eyebrow, trying to ignore the way your heart fluttered at his words. “Haven’t we already covered this? Or are you just using this as an excuse to make me feel awkward again?”
He smirked, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Awkwardness is part of the process. Trust me, it builds character.”
You rolled your eyes, though you couldn’t help the small smile tugging at your lips. “Fine. Teach me, Norris.”
Lando stepped closer, leaning against the car next to you. The air between you grew charged, the familiar push-and-pull of your dynamic shifting into something more.
“Okay,” He said, his voice dropping slightly. “Picture this—the end of a date. You’ve had a good time, he’s dropping you off, and you’re standing there wondering if he’s going to make a move. What do you do?”
“I don’t know,” You replied honestly, feeling the weight of his gaze. “Wait for him to do something, I guess.”
Lando made a sound of a wrong buzzer with his mouth, “Wrong,” He said, shaking his head. “You don’t wait. You take control, muppet. If you want to kiss him, you make it happen.”
You hesitated, the memory of the club flashing through your mind. The way his hands had gripped your waist as you danced together, the heat of his breath against your ear, the way his eyes had burned into yours like there was no one else in the room. 
You’d been so close—too close—and yet, something had pulled you apart before it could happen.
Lando must have noticed the way your expression shifted because his tone softened. “Hey,” he said gently, leaning in slightly. “What’s going on in that head of yours?”
“Nothing,” You lied, forcing a smile. “Just trying to keep up with your endless wisdom.”
He studied your face for a moment, then tilted his head, his smirk returning. “Alright, let’s see if you’ve actually been paying attention. Lean in like you mean it. Show me that you’re not afraid to go for what you want.”
Your breath hitched as he stepped closer, his body just inches from yours. He raised a hand, lightly brushing a strand of hair away from your face, and the world seemed to narrow to just the two of you.
“Eye contact,” He reminded you softly, his voice barely above a whisper. “Don’t break it.”
You swallowed hard, your heart racing as your eyes locked with his. The memory of the club resurfaced again—how close you’d been to kissing him, how much you’d wanted it. And now, standing here under the Monaco sky, it felt like history was repeating itself.
“Lan...” You uttered, your voice trembling slightly.
“Yeah, sweetheart?”
You opened your mouth to respond, but the words caught in your throat. The air between you was electric, every inch of your skin buzzing with anticipation.
“I need to tell you something.” You mumbled, trying to steady your voice. Lando hummed in question, his eyes still locked on yours.
And then, like a splash of cold water, you blurted out, “Alex is setting me up with her friend. Apparently, he’s perfect and coming to Monaco in a month.”
Lando froze, his hand dropping back to his side. He stepped back a little. The tension between you shattered, replaced by a strange, almost palpable stillness.
“Perfect?” He repeated, his tone sharp. “That’s a strong word. What makes him so perfect?”
You shrugged, trying to keep your tone casual, though you felt the weight of the conversation pressing down on you. “I don’t know, but Alex seems convinced. She’s been hyping him up.”
Lando’s eyes darkened, and he let out a mocking laugh. “Oh... great. Another guy with a glowing resume. Does he like long walks on the beach, too?”
You couldn’t help but laugh, though the sound felt more nervous than amused. “Why are you being so weird about this? It’s not just any date, Lan,” You continued, your voice a little quieter now. “Alex practically thinks he’s my soulmate.”
Lando forced a laugh, but it didn’t sound genuine. “Sounds like your soulmate’s got a packed calendar if you had to book him a month out.”
You rolled your eyes, trying to keep it light. “He’s flying in from New York, okay? It’s not like I picked this date on purpose.”
Lando’s expression darkened even further, and his gaze flickered toward the ground. He shifted on his feet, a frown tugging at his lips. “You really think this guy’s perfect, huh?”
You nodded, though you couldn’t quite explain why you weren’t sure about it yourself. “I mean— I guess we’ll see.” You fiddled with your hands, stress creeping in.
His voice was low, almost bitter. “Whatever. Hope Alex’s golden boy doesn’t disappoint.”
You blinked, shocked by the sudden shift in his tone. His words stung, more than you expected. Before you could respond, he turned toward the car, his shoulders tense, jaw clenched.
“Lesson’s over.” He muttered, not looking back as he opened the car door and got inside.
You stood there, still by the hood of the McLaren, staring after him. Your chest felt tight, your mind spinning with confusion and something else you couldn’t quite identify. 
Something had shifted between you tonight—something that felt like it couldn’t be undone. You had no idea where this was heading, but for the first time, you were afraid that the lessons weren’t just about dating anymore
They were about something more.
And you didn’t know if you were ready to face it.
With a sigh, you came up to the car door and got in the car. Lando didn’t even bat an eye at you, driving away with a screech of the tires.
────୨ৎ────
You were curled up on the couch, scrolling aimlessly through your phone when it buzzed with a call. Alex’s name lit up on the screen, and you hesitated for a moment before answering.
“Hi Alex.” You said, tucking the phone between your shoulder and ear as you adjusted your blanket.
“Hi girl, what’s up?” Alex’s cheery voice greeted you, the familiar sound instantly making you smile.
“Not much. Just a quiet night in.” You replied, settling back into the cushions.
“Perfect timing then,” Alex said, a teasing lilt in her voice. “Guess who asked about you again?”
You already knew who she was talking about, but you feigned ignorance. “Umm, Leo?”
Alex laughed. “Not even close. Joshua! I showed him your Instagram, by the way.”
“You what?” You asked, sitting up slightly, startled.
“Relax,” Alex reassured you. “He said you’re even prettier than I described. Which, by the way, is saying a lot because I hyped you up a lot.” Her warm laugh echoed in your phone.
Your stomach did a small flip, but you forced a faint smile, even though Alex couldn’t see it. “That’s sweet.”
“Sweet?” Alex teased. “That’s all you’ve got to say? This guy is a total catch, you know. And he’s so excited to meet you. I’m telling you, he��s perfect for you.”
You let out a small laugh, hoping it masked the unease creeping in. “You’ve got your matchmaking hat on full-time now, huh?”
“I’m just saying,” Alex replied, her tone softening. “You’re not freaking out, are you? He’s seriously a great guy.”
“No, I’m fine,” You lied, trying to sound more certain than you felt. “Just… a lot going on, you know?”
There was a pause on Alex’s end, then a softer tone. “Hey, if you’re nervous, that’s okay. But trust me, Josh is worth it. You don’t have to rush into anything, but I think you’ll really like him.”
You exhaled, leaning your head back against the couch. “Thanks, Alex. I’ll keep that in mind.”
“Good,” Alex said, and you could practically hear her smile. “We’ll talk more soon, okay? Just wanted to check in.”
“Alright. Thanks for calling.” You replied.
As the call ended, you placed your phone down and stared at the ceiling. Alex’s words hung heavy in the air. Joshua was great—you had no reason to doubt that. But as much as you wanted to feel excited, all you felt was… unsettled.
Your thoughts drifted, unbidden, to someone else entirely. Someone who wasn’t always perfect in the ways Alex described but who somehow felt more real, more right. 
And that thought only made your chest tighten as you sat there, wondering why everything felt so much more complicated than it needed to be.
────୨ৎ────
Your date was almost knocking at your door, as another weeks went by.
You hadn’t heard from Lando all day, and that alone was enough to have your mind racing. It wasn’t like him to go silent without a reason, especially after a night out in a club. He'd usually send you a “i'm home” text, yet this time—nothing.
You had tried texting and calling, but there had been no reply. You could feel your concern growing, a gnawing feeling settling in your stomach. So, without a second thought, you grabbed your jacket and headed to his place.
You knew where he kept the spare key. He had told you once when you’d been joking about breaking in if he ever locked himself out. You hadn’t expected to actually use it, but tonight, something in you told you that you needed to check on him.
When you arrived at his apartment, you grabbed the key from its usual hiding spot under the small flower pot near the door. It was a small moment of normalcy, but it made your heart beat a little faster. 
The door creaked open, and you stepped inside, immediately sensing the quiet. “Lan?” You called softly, your voice echoing through the empty hallway. No answer. 
You moved through the apartment, calling his name again, but it was only when you reached the living room that you found him. He was laying on the couch, eyes closed. His face was flushed, and the faint smell of alcohol hung in the air. It was clear that he’d had more than a few drinks.
“Lando?” You asked again, this time more urgently as you stepped closer.
He didn’t respond, and for a moment, panic flickered in your chest. You rushed to his side, carefully placing a hand on his shoulder to shake him awake.
“Mhm?” His voice was barely a whisper, and he opened his eyes slowly, blinking as though the light bothered him. His gaze focused on you, a weak, hazy smile tugging at his lips.
“Hi,” He mumbled, his words slurring a little. “What are you doing here?”
“I was worried. You haven’t replied to any of my texts for the whole day,” You answered, kneeling down in front of him to get a better look at his face. “How much did you drink?”
Lando waved his hand dismissively. “I’m fine.” He replied to your question, but the way he swayed slightly as he sat made it clear he wasn’t.
“Right,” You said with a forced smile, trying not to sound too concerned. “Let’s get you to bed.”
You moved to help him, but Lando suddenly swatted your hands away, blinking up at you in frustration. “I don’t need your help.” He grumbled. His words were hard to understand as his speech slurred, but you could tell he was stubborn even in his drunken state.
“You can barely stand, you muppet,” You said, trying to hide the irritation in your voice. “Let me help.”
But he shook his head, his voice bitter. “Why does it even matter? You don’t care, not like that.”
His words took you by surprise. “What are you talking about?” You asked, trying to steady him.
He looked at you, eyes unfocused, and let out a bitter laugh. “You’re just here to check on me because you have to. You don’t really care. You’ve got a date coming up, right?”
You paused, taken aback by his words. “Lando, you’re drunk. This isn’t—”
“Sure,” He interrupted, his tone harsh. “I’m drunk, so it doesn’t matter, right? It’s fine. But I don’t want you to go.”
You didn’t know what to say, so you just stayed quiet, your mind racing. This wasn’t like him—he was normally so teasing, so sarcastic. But right now, there was something raw and vulnerable in his voice. It was like the alcohol had loosened something inside him that he kept hidden.
You helped him stand, gently guiding him to his bedroom. He didn’t resist this time, but as you helped him onto the bed, his gaze stayed locked on you.
“Why are you doing this?” Lando asked suddenly, his voice weak and tired. He wasn’t fully coherent, but there was something in his eyes that made your chest tighten.
You hesitated for a second. The question threw you off guard. You were just trying to make sure he was okay, weren’t you?
“Because you’re my best friend,” You said after a beat, hoping the answer would be enough. “And I care about you.”
Lando studied your face for a moment, as if trying to understand your answer, before giving you a tired, half-smiling nod. His eyes started to flutter closed, but not before he muttered, “Thanks for always looking out for me.”
You couldn’t help but smile faintly, feeling a strange warmth in your chest. But then, just before he drifted off, his voice came again, quieter, almost like a whisper.
“You’re always looking out for me but... I just don’t want to lose you.”
You froze.
His words hit you harder than you expected, and for a moment, you stood there, staring at him as his breath evened out and he fell asleep. Your heart raced in your chest, confusion swirling in your mind. What did he mean by that?
You quietly turned to leave, but as you closed the door behind you, you felt a strange heaviness in your chest. You couldn’t stop thinking about Lando’s words, but you quickly shook your head.
No, it didn’t mean anything. He was drunk. It was just a slip of the tongue.
You pulled out your phone, glancing at the message from Joshua about your date. You couldn’t let yourself get distracted. You had a date. A very good date. And you had a plan.
But even as you walked back to your own apartment, the words from Lando lingered in your mind.
“I just don’t want to lose you.”
You tried to push the thought away, but it wouldn’t leave.
────୨ৎ────
The morning light pierced through the blinds, casting an almost painful brightness across Lando’s apartment. 
His head throbbed in protest as he slowly opened his eyes, the remnants of last night’s alcohol still lingering in his system. He groaned and buried his face in the pillow, trying to drown out the faint, nagging voice in his head. The bed felt colder than it had before, and there was an emptiness in his chest that he couldn’t shake.
He dragged himself up, rubbing his temples and trying to piece together the fragmented memories of the night. The drinks, the loud music, the laughter with his friends and other unknown girls. And then you. You had shown up, of course. You were always there when he needed you. But… something had happened.
His breath hitched as a flash of the night’s conversation resurfaced—your voice, soft and distant, asking why he was being like this. His own words echoed in his mind, although they sounded different now, like a stranger had said them.
I just don’t want to lose you.
He couldn’t remember exactly what else he’d said, but he could feel the weight of it, like it had been too much to bear. Why had he said that?
He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to erase the memory of your shocked expression. The alcohol had loosened his tongue, but now, sober and humiliated, he wanted to crawl under the blankets and disappear.
Lando took a deep breath and stood up, pacing around his apartment, trying to get his bearings. He couldn’t let that mess be the thing that defined him. He’d always been in control, and now was no different. Besides, you were probably already over it.
There was no point in worrying about it. Not when he had other things to focus on. Like the fact that you were going on a date soon. With Joshua.
The name felt like a punch in the gut. His stomach twisted, and he quickly pushed the thought away. Focus, Lando. He needed to act normal. He was always calm, collected. He wasn’t going to let his feelings mess things up.
When he texted you, it was simple, his usual teasing tone, though underneath it, there was a tension that only he could feel.
Lando:
you still alive after last night or did police arrest you for breaking into someone’s apartment?
The reply came quickly, as expected.
You:
haha, you wish.
still alive after taking care of someone’s stupid ass who was being an emotional mess
guess that’s what friends are for lmao
His thumb hovered over the phone screen for a moment. Emotional mess. He hated how true that was. He was an emotional mess, especially when it came to you. But you had a date with Joshua coming up, and he couldn’t let it show. He couldn’t let it ruin the dynamic between you two. Not when things had been going so well between you.
Lando pushed his phone aside and took a quick shower to clear his head. When he was done, he put on his usual grin and got to work, focusing on anything that would take his mind off what was coming. He needed to get back to his usual self. The confident, carefree guy who never let anything get to him.
But then you sent him a message about meeting up for your next lesson, and his stomach sank again. The timing couldn’t have been worse. He was already wound tight, and now, the pressure was building even more.
When you arrived at his place, there was a brief but noticeable pause before you greeted him. It was subtle, but Lando caught it. He tried to push the lingering anxiety aside—keep it cool.
You gave him a quick smile, but there was something else in your eyes. A certain hesitance that hadn’t been there before. The lessons had been going well, so why the change in energy?
“You alright?” He asked, trying to sound casual as he leaned against the counter.
You nodded but didn’t look at him fully. “Yeah. Just… a lot going on.”
Lando raised an eyebrow. A lot going on? The words struck a nerve. Of course, you were thinking about Joshua. 
He swallowed hard, not letting it show. “You’re still planning on going on that date, right?” The words escaped before he could stop them, and as soon as they did, he regretted it.
You glanced at him, surprised by the sharpness in his tone. “Yeah, I am. Why?”
He shrugged, pretending to be unaffected. “No reason. Just wondering if you were still sticking to it.”
You gave him a look, like you knew something was off. But you didn’t push. Instead, you cleared your throat and moved to the couch, sitting down as if to signal that the lesson was about to begin. Lando tried to focus, but all he could think about was the date.
What if Joshua was the guy you were supposed to be with? What if he was the one who could give you everything Lando couldn’t?
The thought gnawed at him, and he couldn’t shake it. You had told him that you weren’t sure about Joshua, but deep down, Lando knew that if you were really unsure, you wouldn’t be going at all.
“Alright, today’s lesson is all about instincts,” He started, his gaze lingering a little longer than usual. “I want you to stop thinking so much. Trust yourself. Sometimes, you just need to listen to your gut.”
You raised an eyebrow. “I’ve been trying to do that. But sometimes my gut says the wrong thing.”
Lando chuckled softly, his gaze briefly softening. “I get that. But on a date? You can’t overthink everything. You need to trust what feels right in the moment. You are capable of doing that, you know?”
You bit your lip, a little uncertain. “I don’t know. Sometimes I just freeze, or I say the wrong thing and everything feels awkward.”
He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, eyes intense. “That’s the thing. Everyone feels that way. The best thing you can do is not let that fear control you. You can’t let your mind take over. Focus on how you feel in the moment and act on it.”
You swallowed, feeling a knot form in your stomach. You weren’t sure if it was nerves or something else. “But what if— what if it’s the wrong feeling?” You asked, hesitating.
Lando’s gaze softened as he took a step closer to you, his voice quieter. “There’s no such thing as the ‘wrong’ feeling, not in the beginning. You just have to go with it. Be in the moment.”
The air between you seemed to thicken, and you suddenly realized how close he was. You could feel his warmth, his breath even, and it made your heart race. 
Lando’s eyes flickered down to your lips for a moment before quickly meeting your gaze. “You’ve been so careful with everything. But sometimes, you have to stop being careful and just… feel.”
You looked down at your hands, unsure of what to say. The lesson was starting to feel different—more personal, more intense than usual.
“Tell me,” Lando started, his voice now lower, “When you’re on a date with... Joshua, what’s the first thing you’re going to do?”
You took a deep breath, feeling a little nervous. “I— I don’t know. Maybe just let myself relax? Be myself?”
Lando nodded slowly, almost as if thinking about something, before meeting your gaze again. “That’s a good start. Trust yourself, and don’t second guess yourself. You’ve got everything you need.”
His words were grounding, but they also felt like a weight on your chest. For a second, you could almost imagine being with someone else, letting go of all the doubts you’d held onto for so long.
You stood up suddenly, feeling antsy. “I— I think I get it. Thanks, Lan.”
Lando watched you, but something flickered behind his eyes. “You’re welcome,” He replied quietly, though his gaze lingered on you for a moment too long. “But remember, it’s more about trusting yourself than anything else.”
Before you could respond, Lando’s phone buzzed. He glanced at it and sighed, like he was already distracted by whatever it was.
You couldn’t help but feel a pang in your chest, a feeling that you weren’t sure you understood. Why did the thought of him not being there for you—for this—suddenly feel so heavy?
“Alright,” You said, forcing a smile, “I think that’s enough for today.” You turned to leave, but as you reached the door, Lando’s voice stopped you.
“Hey,” He said, standing up. “One last thing. If you get nervous, or if things start to feel like they’re going wrong, just take a moment and breathe. Don’t let anyone rush you. You’ll know what’s right when you feel it.”
You smiled faintly, nodding. “Got it. Thanks again, Lan.”
As you left his apartment, you couldn’t help but replay his words in your head. Trust yourself. Was it really that simple?
But then, a thought flashed through your mind. What if you trusted him instead?
And just like that, the confusion was back. But you pushed it down. 
After all, you were preparing for that date with Joshua, and that was what mattered, right?
────୨ৎ────
You stood in front of the mirror, staring at your reflection as a wave of panic rolled over you. Your dress was.. perfect. It hugged your curves perfectly, fitting you like a glove. Your makeup was flawless, the jewelry you picked was immaculate, and yet you felt completely and utterly wrong.
The clock on the wall ticked loudly, constantly reminding you about how close you were from the time where you had to leave for your date with Joshua. Each passing second made your breathing feel more shallow. 
You grabbed your phone, scrolling mindlessly through social media, notifications, anything to distract yourself. But the one notification you were hoping for—a message from Lando—was nowhere to be found.
“Stop it,” You muttered under your breath. “You’re fine. You’re fine.”
Okay, the pep talk didn’t help. You weren’t, indeed, fine.
Without thinking, you opened your chat with him and fired off a quick message.
You:
omfg
i’m freaking the fuck out
can you call me?
please
Your phone buzzed almost immediately. Of course.
You swiped the incoming call from Lando to answer, and put the phone to your ear. “I can’t do this.” You didn’t even bother to greet him. 
“Hello to you too, sweetheart,” He said, his voice teasing but warm. “Now, let’s take a deep breath and tell me— what’s going on?”
“Lan, I feel sick,” You said, emphasizing the last word as you were pacing around the room. “I don’t know why I’m doing this. This is so stupid. I’m stupid.”
“You’re not stupid,” He replied, his tone softening. “You’re just nervous. It’s normal before a date you’re looking forward to.”
“But it doesn’t feel normal,” You muttered, pressing a hand to your forehead. “I feel like I’m going to throw up.”
“Well, don’t,” He chuckled lightly. “That’d be a bad first impression, and as far as I remember I didn’t teach you to do that.”
You groaned, throwing yourself on the bed. “Lando, this isn’t funny.”
“Okay, okay,” He snickered, and you could hear the slight shuffle of movement on his end. “Look, it’s just a date. You’re not marrying the guy tonight, are you?”
“That’s not helping!” You snapped, straightening quickly on the bed.
“Alright, let’s try this,” He said, his voice taking on the calm, steady tone he always used when you were on the verge of losing it. “You’ve been on the practice dates before, yeah?”
“Yeah, because of you!”
Even when you couldn’t see him now, you knew he rolled his eyes humorously at you. “And how did those go?” You hesitated, before finally answering, “Fine.”
“Exactly. “You’re a pro now, sweetheart.” He laughed on the other side of the call. 
“Lan,” You mumbled, your voice dropping into something almost pleading. “What if I mess this up? What if he hates me?”
There was a pause on the other end of the line, just long enough to make you wonder if he was still there. When he spoke again, his voice was quieter. “He’s not going to hate you.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah,” He said, his tone firm. “Because you’re funny, you’re smart, and beautiful. If this guy can’t see that, then he doesn’t deserve you.”
You blinked, his words settling over you like a soft blanket. Your heart twisted in your chest, a pang of something unnameable making it hard to breathe.
“You really think that?” You asked, your voice barely above a whisper.
“Oh, I know that,” He replied, and for a moment, his usual teasing edge was gone.
The sincerity in his voice made your throat tighten, and you had to turn away from the mirror to keep from crying.
“Okay,” You said, exhaling shakily. “I’ll give it a shot.”
“That’s my girl,” He giggled, his tone lighter now. “And hey, think of it as a test. See if all those lessons I gave you paid off.” Lando added.
“Right,” You said, though your chest felt heavier at his words. “The lessons.”
“Well, this might be the last one.” He added softly, and something about the way he said it made your stomach drop.
“What do you mean?”
“Nothing,” He replied quickly. “Just… you know, if it goes well with Joshua, you won’t need me anymore, right?”
Your heart clenched painfully, but you forced a laugh. “Yeah... no pressure, then.”
“Exactly,” He said, and you could almost hear the smile in his voice. “Now go knock his socks off, yeah?”
“Yeah,” you said, though your voice wavered. “Thanks, Lan.”
“Anytime, sweetheart.” He replied, and you hung up before you could change your mind.
As you stared at your reflection again, you felt a pang of guilt twisting in your chest. His words were supposed to calm you, and they did—sort of. But the idea of this being the last “lesson” you’d ever have with Lando felt like a loss you weren’t ready to face.
────୨ৎ────
You stepped out of the cab in front of the restaurant you both decided to meet at, your heart pounding heavily in your chest. The air was crispy against your bare legs, the streetlights casting a soft glow over the cobblestone street, and the faint sound of waves crashing against the shore filled the air.
Joshua was already waiting by the entrance, looking effortlessly put-together in a black, unbuttoned shirt with black pants. He spotted you almost immediately and waved with a bright smile, his easy charm already on display.
“Hey!” He said as you approached, his warm, inviting tone doing little to calm your nerves.
“Hi.” You replied, forcing a smile as you adjusted the strap of your bag.
Your name rolled out of his mouth smoothly, “You look amazing.” He said, his eyes flicking over your outfit appreciatively.
“Thanks.” You murmured, heat already rising to your cheeks.
He held the door open for you, and you stepped inside, the soft hum of conversation and the clinking of glasses filling the cozy, upscale restaurant. The hostess led you to a small table by the window, where the view of theMonaco’s harbor sparkled under the moonlight. 
It was romantic, picturesque—the kind of setting that should have made your heart flutter.
But it didn’t.
Joshua was polite, funny, and attentive, just as Alex had promised. He asked you about your work, your favorite travel destinations, even your guilty-pleasure movies. He laughed at your jokes, nodded along to your stories, and seemed genuinely interested in everything you had to say.
And yet, your mind kept drifting.
As he talked about his plans to sail around the Greek islands next summer, you found yourself thinking about how Lando always teased you about your terrible sense of direction. When Joshua laughed at a joke you made, you couldn’t help but compare it to Lando’s laugh—the one that was louder, freer, and always made you laugh harder. And when Joshua leaned in slightly, his hand brushing against yours as he reached for his glass, your stomach twisted, not in excitement, but in unease.
You excused yourself to the restroom, needing a moment to breathe. The second you stepped inside, you leaned against the sink, staring at your reflection in the mirror.
“What is wrong with me?” You whispered to yourself.
Joshua was perfect. Objectively, undeniably perfect. So why did you feel so… empty?
You closed your eyes, gripping the edge of the sink as memories of Lando flooded your mind. His voice, his smile, the way he always knew how to pull you out of your head and make you laugh. The way he’d given so much of himself to help you. The way he looked at you sometimes—like you were the only person in the room.
Your eyes stung, tears threatening to spill. It wasn’t Joshua. It wasn’t the date. It was you, and Lando had been right all along. It was always about you. But it wasn’t the way you’d thought. The problem wasn’t that you were bad at dating or incapable of having normal dates with someone. The problem was that you’d been blind to what you really wanted.
And what you wanted wasn’t here. It was him.
You washed your hands in cold water, trying to push the irritating thoughts away and compose yourself before heading back to the table.
“Everything okay?” Joshua asked, his expression kind but concerned.
“Yeah.” You said, forcing a smile as you sat back down.
Joshua quickly launched into another story—something about a hilarious misunderstanding during a work trip—but you barely heard him. Every word he said was drowned out by the realization that had taken root in your chest, growing stronger with every passing second.
When the bill came, Joshua insisted on paying, and you didn’t argue. As he walked you outside, the cool night air hit you like a wake-up call.
“I had a really great time tonight,” He said, his smile genuine. “You’re incredible.”
“Thank you,” You replied, and you meant it. “You’re really great too.”
He hesitated, his eyes searching yours. “Maybe we could do this again sometime?”
Your heart sank, but you wanted to say yes. You wanted to want to say yes. But the words just wouldn’t come for you.
Instead, you smiled sadly. “I— I’ll think about it.”
Joshua seemed to understand, his smile dimming slightly but still warm. “Now let me give you a ride back home. Shall we?” He insisted, leading the way to his car.
As Joshua opened the door for you, you got into the car quickly, sinking in the passenger seat. Your eyes wandered outside the window, observing the couples that still sat in the restaurant. They looked so happy together, and someone might have thought the same while staring at Joshua and you a few moments ago. But deep down you knew that you were far from being happy now.
────୨ৎ────
The room was dim, lit only by the soft glow of his monitor and the bright neon sign behind him. Max’s voice came through the headset, lighthearted and teasing as always, but Lando could barely hear him. His hand gripped the computer mouse, and the other hand was focused on the keyboard, yet his movements were sluggish, half-hearted.
“Lando, mate, what are you doing?” Max’s exasperated tone broke through the haze. “You’re playing like a grandpa. Are you even trying?”
“Yeah, yeah,” Lando muttered, forcing himself to focus on the screen. But the truth was, he wasn’t trying. He couldn’t concentrate.
Because all he could think about was you.
You on that date. With him.
The thought made his stomach churn, a bitter taste settling at the back of his throat. He hadn’t been able to stop picturing it since the moment you’d left. You, in that dress, looking absolutely stunning. You laughing at some joke that wasn’t his. You leaning in, your attention fully on someone else.
“Lando?” Max’s voice came again, a mix of confusion and concern now.
“Yeah, sorry,” Lando said quickly, clearing his throat. “I’m just tired, man. Think I’m gonna call it a day.”
“Already?” Max sounded genuinely surprised.
“Yeah, I’m knackered,” Lando lied, forcing a laugh that sounded hollow even to his own ears. “Catch you later.”
“Alright,” Max said after a pause. “But get some sleep, okay? You’ve been weird all night.”
“Yeah, yeah. Bye chat.” Lando mumbled, saying goodbye to Max’s chat. He has never shut down the game and logged off so quickly in his entire life.
The silence that followed was deafening. He leaned back in his chair, letting his head fall against the headrest as he stared at the ceiling.
You were still out. On the date. And he had no idea how it was going.
Was he good enough for you? The question gnawed at him, sharp and relentless. Was he making you laugh? Was he listening to you the way he always did? Did you feel comfortable with him, safe? Did you feel… happy?
Lando squeezed his eyes shut, pressing the heels of his palms against them as if that could stop the flood of thoughts.
He’d seen your nervous smile as you managed to send him videos of the outfit you chose before you left. He noticed how excited you were before the date, how your eyes sparkled with nervous anticipation. You’d been so worried, so unsure, but he’d reassured you. Told you it would be fine. Told you that Joshua would be lucky to have you.
What you didn’t know was that those words now tasted like ash in his mouth. Because he didn’t want Joshua to have you. He wanted you to stay. With him.
Lando let out a shaky breath. He dragged a hand through his curls, tugging at the roots in frustration. The memory of the night he’d gotten drunk hit him like a punch to the gut. He’d tried to bury it, pretend it didn’t matter, but the truth was, it had been eating him alive.
“I don’t want you to go.” He’d said, the words slurred but raw, his heart on his sleeve for once.
You’d stayed quiet, brushing it aside as drunken nonsense. But it hadn’t been nonsense. It had been the truth, stripped bare and vulnerable in a way he’d never been before. However, he let you believe that, because admitting it outright, while sober, was terrifying.
But it was true. Lando didn’t want you to go. He didn’t want you to meet someone else, fall for someone else, leave him behind. Because the thought of you choosing someone else when he loved you—truly loved you—was unbearable.
His chest ached, the pain sharp and suffocating. It might already be too late. 
Maybe you’d come back tonight, smiling and giddy, and tell him how great Joshua was. How perfect the date had been. The thought made him want to throw something. Instead, he leaned forward, burying his face in his hands, as if he could push the feelings away, but it didn’t work. It never worked.
Because the truth was, he’d been falling for you for months. Years even.
He remembered every laugh, every smile, every quiet moment you shared as kids, as teenagers at school, and now between lessons where the world seemed to shrink down to just the two of you. He remembered the way your nose scrunched up when you were concentrating, the way you teased him when he got flustered, the way you always seemed to bring light into every room you entered.
You were perfect for him. 
But you didn’t know. And maybe you never would.
His phone buzzed on the nightstand, snapping him out of his spiral. His heart leapt, hope surging through him. “Maybe it’s her,” He thought. “Maybe she’s texting to say the date didn’t go well. Maybe—”
He grabbed the phone, the screen lighting up.
It wasn’t you.
The breath he’d been holding escaped in a rush, his shoulders sagging as disappointment washed over him. He tossed the phone back onto the bed, raking a hand through his hair again.
The silence of the room felt suffocating now. He thought about calling Max back, telling him he felt better now and distracting himself with another game, but he knew it wouldn’t help. His mind was a storm, and you were at the center of it.
He lay back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling, his chest heavy with the weight of unspoken words and unfulfilled hopes.
He was losing you. And he had no one to blame but himself.
────୨ৎ────
The door of Joshua’s car clicked shut as he drove away, leaving you standing alone in the dim glow of the streetlights outside your house. You watched his car until it disappeared around the corner, your mind buzzing but your heart strangely still.
He’d been sweet, funny, and attentive, just as Alex had promised. Everything about the date had gone smoothly—on paper, it was perfect. So why did you feel so… hollow?
The thought of stepping into your empty house felt unbearable, the silence inside too heavy for the chaos in your chest. Your feet moved before your mind caught up, leading you down the familiar streets of Monaco. Stumbling a few times, you took your heels off, cursing them under your nose. The brisk night air bit at your skin, but you hardly noticed.
You didn’t know where you were going until you found yourself standing in the small park near the water. A bench beneath an old tree caught your eye—the same bench where one of your first “lessons” with Lando had taken place. You sank down onto it, the memory washing over you with startling clarity.
You could almost hear his voice, teasing and full of life. “See, you can’t just talk about yourself on a date. Ask questions, keep it balanced, like a tennis match.”
You’d laughed so hard that day, mostly at how earnestly he mimed playing tennis in front of you. The image played in your mind now, vivid and bright, and before you could stop yourself, your chest tightened, and tears welled up in your eyes.
Why did thinking about him hurt so much?
Your hands clenched in your lap as the memories kept coming, unstoppable and relentless. The way he smiled when he thought you weren’t looking. The way he spoke to you with that stupid nickname–sweetheart. The way he always had just the right thing to say when you doubted yourself. His endless patience, his unwavering presence.
And his laugh—God, his laugh. The one that echoed in your mind now, making your tears spill over as you realized with horrifying clarity that you’d heard it more times than you could count, but never enough.
You pressed your hand to your chest, as if it could steady the ache inside. How had you been so blind?
All this time, you’d been searching for someone who made you feel seen, heard, and valued. Someone who challenged you but still made you feel safe. Someone who gave a damn about you in ways you hadn’t even noticed until now. It had been right in front of you all along.
Lando. Your Lan.
The tears came harder now, unstoppable and unrelenting, as your mind replayed every moment with him like a cruel, beautiful montage. Every smile, every lingering glance, every sarcastic comment that hid something deeper. He’d been there for you, every step of the way, sacrificing his time and energy to teach you how to love—how to date—without once showing how much it must have hurt him.
You wiped at your eyes, but it was useless. Your heart felt like it was breaking open and healing all at once.
You had to tell him.
The thought hit you like a jolt of electricity. Sitting here, drowning in memories, wasn’t going to change anything. You couldn’t keep pretending, couldn’t keep lying to yourself.
Lando deserved to know the truth. You deserved the truth.
You stood abruptly, the sudden movement making your head spin. Your legs carried you out of the park and back toward the streets, your pace quickening with every step.
What were you going to say? You didn’t know yet. All you knew was that you couldn’t keep this inside any longer.
────୨ৎ────
The night was unnervingly quiet as you stood at Lando’s door, the hum of the distant city muffled by your pounding heartbeat. Your fingers hovered over the wood before you finally knocked, your stomach churning with anxiety.
It took a moment, but when the door opened, Lando stood there, his expression unreadable, his eyes flickering with a hint of surprise and something else—something guarded.
“What are you doing here?” He asked, his voice rough.
“I needed to talk to you.” You replied, your voice trembling despite your best effort to sound confident. You stepped inside, your heels, that you wore on before knocking on his door, clicking softly against the floor as you passed him.
He shut the door behind you, leaning against it, crossing his arms over his chest. “It’s late,” He said flatly. “Shouldn’t you be out celebrating with Joshua? What, did the date end early?”
You flinched at his tone, biting back the sharp retort bubbling at the tip of your tongue. “Lando, please—”
“No, go ahead,” He interrupted, a bitter smile tugging at his lips. “Tell me everything. All about how perfect he was. I’m dying to hear it.”
Your patience snapped. “Why do you do this?” You demanded, looking him deeply in the eyes.
“Do what?” He shot back, his jaw tightening.
“This!” You exclaimed, throwing your arms in the air. “You get all moody and sarcastic and— ugh, you don’t even listen to me, Lando!”
“Oh, I am listening,” He countered, his voice rising slightly. “You’re the one who barged in here looking all… flustered, expecting me to what? Clap and cheer because your perfect little date didn’t work out the way you wanted?”
“God, you’re impossible!” You said, taking a step closer. “Do you really think I’m here to talk about him? Do you really think I’d come here, in the middle of the night, just to—”
“Well, then why are you here?” He demanded, his voice cutting through the room.
“Because it wasn’t perfect, okay?” You shouted, your voice cracking. “Because it didn’t feel right! Because the entire time, all I could think about was… you.” The hesitation before saying the last word made you want to cry again.
The words hung in the air like a thunderclap, reverberating between you. His sharp expression softened, his mouth parting slightly as he stared at you, completely stunned.”
“What?” Lando whispered, his voice barely audible. He couldn’t believe his own ears. You felt your chest tighten, a mix of anger, heartbreak, and longing overwhelming you. 
“It wasn’t about Joshua—it never was. It was always about you, Lando. Your stupid ass. Your lessons, your dumb pep talks, your stupid jokes, the way you acted so fine with me going out with someone else when you clearly weren’t.” Your words caught in your throat, but you pushed forward, the weight of it all crashing down on you. 
“It’s you, Lando. It’s always been you. Ever since we were little.”
His face softened in an instant, the tension in his jaw melting away, replaced by a vulnerability you rarely saw in him. His eyes, wide and disbelieving, searched yours, as though he was afraid to trust what he was hearing.
“Are you serious?” He asked, his voice barely above a whisper, thick with emotion. 
His hands hung at his sides, fists clenching and unclenching, as though he didn’t know what to do with them.
“God, yes,” You blurted out, stepping closer to him. Your heart was pounding so hard it felt like it might burst. “I’m serious, muppet. And I know it’s a mess, and I know I probably ruined everything, but—”
Before you could finish, his hands were on you, his fingers trembling as they cupped your face. The warmth of his touch sent a shiver down your spine, and before you could take another breath, he closed the distance between you and kissed you.
His lips pressed against yours with a fervor that made your knees go weak. It was desperate and raw, filled with all the tension, emotions, and unspoken words that had been simmering between you for weeks. His lips moved against yours with urgency, as though he’d been holding back for far too long, and now that the floodgates were open, there was no stopping it. 
Lando’s thumbs brushed over your cheeks, wiping away tears you hadn’t even realized were falling, and you clung to him like he was the only thing keeping you grounded.
Your hands found their way to his chest, gripping the fabric of his hoodie as if letting go wasn’t an option. You could feel the rapid thud of his heartbeat under your palms, matching the wild rhythm of your own. He tilted his head slightly, deepening the kiss, and you melted into him, losing yourself in the moment.
When you finally broke apart, gasping for air, Lando’s forehead rested against yours. His hands still gently cradled your face as though he was afraid you might disappear. Lando’s breath was ragged, his lips red and swollen from the kiss, and his eyes were glassy with unshed tears, looking at you as you were the most precious thing in the world.
“I’m so sorry,” He whispered, his voice cracking. “I should’ve told you. I should’ve said something before... before all of this. But I was terrified—of losing you, and of screwing everything up.”
You shook your head, your hands sliding up to cup his face in return. “No, Lan. I should’ve seen it, I should’ve known.”
His lips quirked into a small, trembling smile, but his eyes stayed locked on yours, a mixture of relief and disbelief shining in them.
“And you didn’t ruin anything, sweetheart,” He murmured, his thumb tracing the curve of your cheek. “You never could. You’re— you’re my everything.” He uttered softly.
A tear slipped down your cheek, and he leaned in to kiss it away, his lips lingering on your skin as though trying to memorize the moment.
“Are you really crying?” He teased softly, his voice shaky but warm.
You let out a choked laugh, rolling your eyes even as your cheeks flushed. “No, I’m not. Shut up.”
“Liar,” He murmured, his smile widening as he kissed you again but softer this time. “But you must’ve cried before since your eyes and nose are red.” 
You smacked his chest lightly, heat rising to your cheeks. “Shut up.”
“Hey, it’s cute.” He said with a grin, though his voice was still thick with emotion.
You tried to glare at him, but the look on his face—the mix of relief, affection, and something deeper—made it impossible to stay mad. Instead, you found yourself laughing softly, leaning into him as the tension finally began to disappear.
“You’re such an idiot.”
His lips curled into a small smile. “Takes one to know one.” He teased, his voice soft but warm.
You both stayed there, wrapped up in each other, the weight of weeks of tension and unspoken feelings finally lifting. 
It wasn’t perfect, it wasn’t neat, but it was yours. And in that moment, nothing else mattered. For the first time in what felt like forever, everything felt right.
────୨ৎ────
The soft glow of early morning sunlight poured through the blinds, casting a warm, golden hue across the room. The light touched everything—the sleek lines of Lando’s apartment, the scattered clothes on the floor from last night, and most notably, the two of you tangled in the bed.
You blinked awake, the slow pull of consciousness drawing you from sleep. For a moment, you couldn’t quite remember where you were, but then the warmth next to you, the familiar scent of his cologne, and the steady rhythm of his breath made everything clear.
Lando was lying beside you, his face relaxed in sleep, his curls framing his features in the softest, most endearing way. Sunlight rested over his face, kissing his skin, highlighting the sharpness of his jawline and the curve of his lips. 
It was unreal—this scene, this moment, the peacefulness of it all.
You couldn’t help but smile, your heart swelling in your chest. You were finally here. Finally with him.
You didn’t know how long you lay there, just watching him, savoring the moment, drinking in the fact that you were in this space with him. This was what you’d always wanted. And now that you were here, you didn’t want it to end.
The way his eyelids fluttered as he stirred slowly, bringing him out of his dreams, sent a jolt through your heart. His eyes slowly blinked open, adjusting to the light. His expression softened, and when his gaze met yours, his lips quirked into that familiar, lazy grin.
“Morning, sweetheart.” He muttered, voice rough with sleep. 
You just smiled, leaning in closer, letting the warmth of his body seep into yours. “Hi.” You replied, voice barely a whisper, as if you were afraid speaking too loudly would ruin this moment.
His eyes sparkled with the slightest hint of mischief, and he stretched, rolling his shoulder. “I think I could stay here forever,” He said, his voice a little husky. “But we’re supposed to be at Charles’ in a couple of hours for lunch, remember?”
You frowned, suddenly feeling the pressure of the real world creeping in. “Ugh, yeah. Charles and the whole group. It’s like I can already hear the chatter about how we’ve been hiding this whole thing.”
He smirked, looking at you with a mixture of fondness and amusement. “I don’t mind.” He said casually, rubbing your shoulder. “But we should get up soon, don’t you think?”
But as soon as the words left his lips, something inside you shifted. You weren’t ready to leave this bed, not yet. Not when everything between you felt so new, so fragile, like a dream that could slip away any moment. Without thinking, you moved swiftly, swinging a leg over him, straddling his waist, your hands coming to rest on his bare chest as you looked down at him, a teasing smile playing at the corners of your mouth.
His eyes widened in surprise, a breathless laugh escaping his lips. “What are you—?”
“Hi.” You whispered softly, the power of your position making his pulse race.
“Hi.” He whispered back, biting his lower lip.
His eyes scanned your face, the mix of confusion and amusement in his gaze quickly shifting to something more heated. “You’ve lost it, haven’t you?” He murmured, still a bit flustered from the sudden shift. 
His hands instinctively went to your bare hips, but he didn’t push you off. Instead, he looked up at you with a raised eyebrow, clearly caught off guard but not entirely unhappy about it.
Before he could say anything else, you leaned in, closing the space between you, and kissed him. It wasn’t slow or gentle—it was a kiss full of heat and desire, reminding you about your last night. The distant memory of your soft gasps, shared moans and hot kisses flooded your both heads.
The world seemed to fall away as you lost yourselves in the kiss. His hands roamed to your bare back, pulling you closer, deepening the kiss until you were a breathless mess, your heart pounding in your chest.
When you finally pulled away, the quiet of the room seemed almost too loud. You stayed close, your forehead resting against his, both of you catching your breath.
“Did you even realize how fucking good you look right now?” You muttered, voice husky with the remnants of sleep.
Your gaze roamed over him—the way his curls caught the golden morning light, the relaxed curve of his lips still faintly swollen from your earlier kisses, and the lazy glint in his half-lidded eyes.
Lando blinked at you, his expression unreadable for a moment before he broke into a quiet laugh, low and rough. “You’ve got a way with words, don’t you, sweetheart?” He teased, his voice thick with sleep. “Or are you just trying to kill me first thing in the morning?”
You shook your head, smiling as you trailed your fingers gently along the line of his jaw, tracing every perfect imperfection of his face. “No games,” You whispered, pressing your palm flat against his chest where his heart beat steadily. “You just look… unreal.”
The weight of your words seemed to catch him off guard. His hands found your bare waist under the tangled sheets, thumbs brushing gently along your sides as his gaze locked onto yours.
“Coming from you? That’s rich,” He said, his voice dipping low. “You’re literally glowing right now, sweetheart.”
You rolled your eyes, unable to hide the flush rising in your cheeks. “Nice try, Norris. But flattery isn’t going to distract me.”
“Oh?” He murmured, the corners of his lips tugging upward in a smirk. “So what’s your plan? Keep staring at me until I melt?”
You grinned, leaning down until your lips were an inch away from his. “Maybe.”
Before he could respond, you kissed him—slow and unhurried, savoring the moment. His hands slid up your back, pulling you closer until your bare skin was flushed against his, the sheets pooling around your bodies.
When you pulled back, his eyes were darker, his breathing heavier. “Now who’s playing games?” He muttered, a trace of amusement in his tone.
You laughed softly, pressing your lips to the corner of his mouth. “I’m not. I just—” You hesitated, brushing his curls back from his forehead. “I can’t believe this is real. That I’m finally yours, and you’re mine.”
Lando’s expression softened, the teasing edge replaced by something infinitely more tender. “I’ve always been yours, sweetheart,” He said, his voice barely above a whisper. His fingers trailed up your spine, sending shivers through you. “You just took your sweet time realizing it.”
You laughed, burying your face in the crook of his neck to hide the warmth flooding your cheeks. He smelled like sleep and sunshine mixed with a faint scent of his perfume. You couldn’t resist pressing a kiss to the soft spot beneath his jaw.
“I’m never getting out of this bed, am I?” Lando murmured, his voice teasing but laced with an unmistakable truth.
You smiled against his skin, your hands sliding over his shoulders to rest on his chest. “Not if I have anything to say about it.”
His laugh rumbled against your lips, but when you shifted your hips slightly downwards, his breath hitched. “Careful.” He warned, his voice a mix of amusement and something darker.
You tilted your head, feigning innocence as your lips brushed against his ear. “What? Just getting comfortable.”
“Right,” He murmured, his hands gripping your waist more firmly. “You’re going to be the death of me.”
You kissed him again, this time deeper, slower, letting the quiet morning dissolve into something entirely different. By the time you finally pulled back, breathless and flushed, his eyes were locked onto yours with a heat that sent a shiver down your spine.
“We’re never going to make it to breakfast at this rate.” He chuckled, though there was no trace of complaint in his voice.
You grinned, pressing a lingering kiss to his lips. “Who said I’m hungry for food?”
His groan was soft as you slid down his body, his hands tightening their hold on you as the sunlight continued to bathe the room, turning the morning into a memory you’d never forget.
────୨ৎ────
The morning had been perfect—the lingering warmth of your shared kiss, the quiet laughter over breakfast—but now, reality was tugging at you both. 
After the breakfast, Lando quickly freshened up and you both drove to your place as you also needed to get ready. You stood in front of the mirror, applying a final swipe of lipstick, your reflection staring back at you as if in disbelief. How had you gone from nervousness to this moment? How had you gotten here, with Lando, after everything? Lando, on the other hand, had been unusually quiet, his gaze lingering on you as you finished getting ready. When you finally stepped out of the bathroom in the dress you had chosen, the one you knew would turn heads, you saw the way his breath caught in his chest.
“Wow, sweetheart…” He breathed, looking you up and down, his eyes lingering on every part of your body. His expression was a mixture of admiration and something more—something that made your heart beat faster. “You look… absolutely gorgeous.”
You couldn’t help the smile that spread across your lips at his reaction. It was hard to tell if you were more proud of how stunning you looked or how much he was checking you out.
“Glad you think so.” You replied, your voice teasing as you turned slightly, letting the fabric of the dress swirl around your legs. It wasn’t just any dress. It hugged you in all the right places, the sweetheart neckline drawing attention to your collarbones and the flowy skirt adding an effortless elegance. You knew it would drive him crazy.
Lando stepped forward, walking up behind you and gently brushing your hair away from your neck. He leaned in close, placing a soft kiss just below your ear. The warmth of his lips sent a shiver down your spine.
“You sure we have to go?” He murmured, his voice low and teasing. “I’d rather just stay home and do… other things. With you.”
You chuckled, not able to keep the smile from your lips as you glanced at him in the mirror. “This morning, you were the first one to get ready for that lunch,” You teased, turning to face him. “Don’t tell me you’re backing out now.”
He looked at you with a soft, almost desperate expression. “I’m not backing out. But I’d much rather stay here… with you. Alone.”
You raised an eyebrow playfully. “Well, if you don’t want to go, I can always text Joshua. I still haven’t messaged him since yesterday.”
The mention of Joshua’s name was enough to make his jaw tighten. “You’re really going to do that?” He asked, his tone suddenly darker, but there was something undeniably possessive in it.
You couldn’t help the smirk that tugged at your lips as you pulled out your phone. “Well, you know, I never replied—”
Before you could even unlock your phone, Lando was kissing you, hard and fast, pulling you into him with a hunger that left you breathless. His hands moved to your waist, lifting you slightly off the ground as he deepened the kiss.
When you pulled away, both of you breathless, you looked at him with a glint of amusement. “Fine,” You muttered, “I guess we’re not texting him.”
Lando gave you a satisfied smile. “That’s what I thought, sweetheart.”
You laughed, shaking your head as you grabbed your bag. “Let’s get going then, before you change your mind again.”
The drive to Charles’ place was quiet, the tension between you thick with unspoken feelings. As you sat in the passenger seat, you typed out a quick message to Joshua, your fingers moving with a purpose.
You:
Hey Joshua, I just wanted to thank you for yesterday. I really appreciated it, but I don’t think we’ll be able to meet in the future. I wish you the best of luck, and it was very nice to meet you.
You hit send and immediately felt a weight lift off your chest. It was over, and it was a decision you were glad to have made. 
When you two arrived, Lando opened the car door for you, offering you his hand. Before you had time to dwell on the message you sent, you felt his hand gently squeezing yours. You looked over at him, seeing a small, satisfied grin on his face. Lando didn’t say anything, but you could feel his approval.
When you arrived at Charles’ place, the moment the door opened and Rebecca, who was already there, saw you both, her eyes widened. Then, without warning, she screamed, “Oh my God! Finally!”
You and Lando couldn’t help but laugh, sharing a knowing look as you entered the house together, hands still intertwined. As you walked into the living room, everyone was already smiling, congratulating you both with big, happy grins.
Lando leaned in close to your ear as Carlos and Rebecca were busy showering you with congratulations. “I guess this is the part where we’re supposed to pretend we’re not completely obsessed with each other, huh?” He whispered with a teasing grin.
You grinned, squeezing his hand. “If that’s what you think, you’re wrong.”
At some point during the evening, Alex pulled you aside, a sheepish look on her face. Her usual confident energy was replaced with something softer, more apologetic.
“Hey,” She started, shifting awkwardly. “I just wanted to say… I feel kind of bad about the whole Joshua thing. I mean, I was pushing you into that, and now you and Lando—” She gestured vaguely, her cheeks flushing slightly. “I didn’t mean to make things more complicated for you.”
You smiled warmly, shaking your head. “Alex, it’s fine. Really. If anything, it was kind of a wake-up call for me and Lando. We were both so stubborn about admitting how we felt. So, honestly, thank you for that little push. Even if it was unintentional.”
Alex let out a laugh, her shoulders relaxing. “Okay, good, because for a second there, I thought I’d ruined everything.”
“Oh— no, you definitely didn’t,” You reassured her, your smile widening. “If anything, you might’ve saved us from circling each other for another six months.”
She laughed again, louder this time, the tension between you dissolving into lightheartedness. “Well, I’ll take credit for that, then. You two are disgustingly cute, by the way. It’s almost unbearable.”
“I’ll take that as a compliment.” You quipped, giving her a playful nudge before heading back toward Lando.
As you approached, he looked up from his conversation with Carlos, his eyes immediately locking onto yours, shining at your sight.
“What were you two talking about?” He asked, his curiosity evident.
“Girl talk,” You said with a smirk, waving off his question. “It’s a secret.”
“A secret, huh?” He raised an eyebrow, but the smile on his face showed he wasn’t really bothered.
“Yep.” You chuckled, leaning in closer and placing a gentle kiss on his cheek. “And you’re not getting a word out of me.”
Later in the evening, after the buzz of congratulations and teasing from your friends had started to die down, you found yourself standing out on Charles’ balcony. The stars above were faint against the warm glow of Monaco’s city lights, and the air was cool, carrying the faint sounds of laughter and clinking glasses from inside.
Lando joined you quietly, slipping his arms around your waist from behind. You leaned into him instinctively, your hands resting on his. The weight of his touch felt grounding, comforting.
“You alright, sweetheart?” He asked softly, his voice low in your ear.
“Yeah,” You uttered, tilting your head back to look up at him. “Just needed a minute to catch my breath. It’s been a lot tonight.”
He chuckled, his chin resting against your shoulder, hands warm against your waist. “They’re relentless, aren’t they? I don’t think Carlos and Charles will let this go for months. They’ll always try to tease me about it.”
“Same with Rebecca,” You added with a laugh. “She screamed so loudly, I think half the neighborhood heard it.”
He smiled at that, but his expression softened as his gaze lingered on you. “They’re just happy for us,” He said. “I mean— I get it. I’m happy too.”
Something about the way he said it made your heart swell. You turned in his arms to face him, your arms resting lightly against his shoulders.
“Me too,” You murmured, your eyes searching his. The words were right there on the tip of your tongue, and for the first time, you didn’t feel scared to say them. “I love you, Lan.”
For a moment, he just stared at you, his expression unreadable. Then, a slow, breathtaking smile spread across his face. His hands came up to cup your cheeks, his touch impossibly gentle.
“I love you too, sweetheart,” He said, his voice thick with emotion. “God, I’ve been wanting to tell you that for so long.” He hid his face in the crook of your neck, inhaling your scent that felt like home for him. 
You let out a shaky laugh, “Why didn’t you?”
“Why didn’t you?” He countered, grinning against your skin.
“Touché.” You admitted, burying your hand in his soft curls as both of you laughed softly. The sound was light, effortless, and full of relief.
Then, Lando pulled back to look at you again. After giving you a soft smile, he leaned in, capturing your lips in a kiss that felt like a promise. 
It wasn’t rushed or heated—it was warm and tender, the kind of kiss that made you feel like you’d finally found home.
When you pulled away, he rested his forehead against yours, his eyes closed as he whispered, “You’re my everything, you know that?”
Tears pricked at the corners of your eyes, but you didn’t let them fall. “You’re mine too.” You whispered back.
The rest of the night passed in a happy blur. Your friends teased you endlessly, but their smiles were genuine, their excitement contagious. And when it was time to go, Lando’s hand found yours without hesitation, holding it tightly as you said your goodbyes.
As the two of you drove back through the quiet streets of Monaco, a comfortable silence settled between you. Lando reached over, lacing his fingers with yours as his thumb brushed over your knuckles.
The day had been perfect, and as you rested your head against his chest when you finally laid in your bed, you couldn’t hold a smile anymore. 
Looking back, it had been a whirlwind—a rollercoaster of emotions, misunderstandings, laughter, and moments so charged you could hardly breathe. 
What started as a series of lessons had turned into something far greater than either of you could have anticipated. It wasn’t perfect, not always smooth, but it was real. Every stolen glance, every near-miss, every argument and heartfelt confession had led you here, to this life you were building together.
And as Lando’s hand rested comfortably over your waist, his warm smile mirroring your own, one thought stood out above the rest.
Lando was right from the beginning—practice makes perfect.
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punctuationbreakdown · 6 months ago
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About that Scientology connection...
One of the details that came to light this week in the latest article detailing the horrific allegations against Neil Gaiman (which I believe are true, to be clear, but not the primary focus of what I'm writing about here) is the extent of his ties to the Church of Scientology. I was most engaged with Neil's work as a teenager and in my early 20s, and I didn't recall seeing mention of the connection at the time (granted, that was more than a few years ago!). I couldn't let it go after reading the Vulture article, so I started to dig a bit and found a lot of information being shared on Reddit and even further digging uncovered archived forum posts from over a decade ago by former CoS members.
There are a lot of details in this article by Mikey Crotty, who appears to be an independent comics journalist, which was published by Mike Rinder on his blog in 2023. Rinder was famously an executive in the "church" in Australia and ran SeaOrg (the elite force of CoS, essentially, and responsible for internal discipline within the broader org) before ultimately leaving the organization and speaking out as loudly as he could about the abuses he had been complicit in as a member (at great personal risk, as anyone who is familiar with the tactics used against former CoS members will know).
The piece was written as an exposé about Gaiman's novel, The Ocean at the End of the Lane, which was semi-autobiographical. Crotty discusses details about Gaiman's family, Gaiman's participation in CoS, and the coverup his father orchestrated for an apparent suicide of a student of Scientology who had immigrated to the UK and was living with the Gaimans at the time. This suicide is written into The Ocean at the End of the Lane.
Neil's father, David Gaiman, was head of worldwide communications for the Church of Scientology in the 60s, and was leading the PR spin to protect the organization from increasing legal scrutiny in the UK at the time. Around the same time, a suicide occurred while a young man, Johannes Scheepers, was living with them (the Gaiman's took in CoS students as lodgers at their home on a regular basis, apparently). The Gaiman family launched a campaign to depict him as a broken down gambler to avoid further scandal for the organization. The logic doesn't quite add up, and it's more likely that Johannes was a new adherent who had been badly taken advantage of. You can read more details in the article I linked. Crotty makes the case that not only were the Gaimans lying about the death of the student, even going so far as to claim he wasn't actually lodging with them, but that Neil then went further to spread these lies in the form of fiction decades later (we now know this book was written as a result of the prompting of Amanda Palmer, who was encouraging him to confront his childhood experiences with CoS per the article in Vulture).
The article also points out evidence of Neil's continued involvement with Scientology:
Neil Gaiman’s history with Scientology is very murky; deliberately so. His family are practically Scientology royalty in the UK, he met his first wife Mary McGrath while she was studying Scientology and lodging at Harrow House and he himself worked as a Scientology Auditor for several years in the Eighties and was a Director of a Scientologist’s property company ‘Centrepoint’ until 1999.  He now won’t discuss his own Scientology connections and states, without any details, that he’s no longer a member of the Cult that supported Apartheid up until the mid eighties, believes homosexuals are deviants and mental illness is a manifestation of personal failure in the sufferer’s current or past life; beliefs which are anathema to most of Neil’s adoring audience. His connection to Scientology and apparent departure from the cult first went public as part of a court case in 2002 where when asked “Are you still involved with the Church of Scientology?” Neil said “I don’t understand the question”, subsequently asked “Are you still a member of the Church of Scientology?” he replied “I don’t consider myself as such”. Even then his admission that he worked for the Church for 3 years is somewhat confusing: “I worked for a 3 year period after getting out of school as a ‘Counsellor’ for the Church of Scientology”; in fact he actually worked as an ‘Auditor’ in a process made famous in the award winning 2015 Documentary ‘Going Clear’ which explains how officials in the Church of Scientology keep in-depth records on everything its members say during private ‘auditing’ sessions and then use their secrets against them. Renowned Journalist and author on Scientology Tony Ortega says that Gaiman “became a Class VIII auditor, and even ran the Birmingham “org” as its ED, executive director. “. While there is no contradiction in Neil’s actual admission of working for Scientology up till the late Nineties and subsequently leaving the cult and its beliefs sometime in the early Noughties, conflicting details arise in the period since, when Neil has insisted he’s not a Scientologist. According to public records he was a shareholder in the family firm G&G Foods, which produces the vitamins used in Scientology’s highly criticized Narconon and De-Tox practices, since 2011. He transferred approximately a quarter of a million shares to Scientologist shareholders in 2013. There’s the book ‘Ocean’ also from 2013 and then there’s also his production company ‘The Blank Corporation’. ‘The Blank Corporation’ is Neil’s production company which works on all his adaptations such as ‘Sandman’, ‘Anansi Boys’, ‘Good Omens’ and the upcoming ‘Ocean at the End of the Lane’ in partnership with Netflix, Amazon, Warner Bros, the BBC and others. According to the website and any interviews, Neil founded ‘The Blank Corporation’ in 2016 with his Vice President and former P.A. Cat Mihos. According to the official Companies registration however, the company was actually set up by Neil and then wife (and still devout Scientologist) Mary McGrath in 2000. The company is still registered to a Scientologist’s P.O Box in Wisconsin, where Mary McGrath still works for the Church of Scientology. One company; two very different stories, it’s just another mystery, like what really happened to cause Johannes Scheepers to take his own life in 1968.
I want to note that based on what I've read, being a Class VIII auditor is the highest level you can go as an auditor in CoS without becoming a member of SeaOrg. Auditors are individuals who are key to the brainwashing process members of CoS undergo; they utilize the org's "technology" to identify past sins by doing intensive interrogation sessions with members. This means Neil was well trained in how to psychologically interrogate org members and held a position of relative power over them as he documented their dearest secrets for the org (primarily to blackmail them with should they ever want to leave, based on CoS records and former members' experiences).
I found forum posts where others reviewed public records that confirmed the majority of these claims, although unable to confirm the PO Box in Wisconsin. His sister, Lizzy Calcioli, is the current company director of G&G, which supplies pseudoscientific vitamin treatments to drug rehabilitation seekers that are horribly abused by Narconon (CoS does not allow actual medical intervention or medical practices in its org). According to public filings, Neil still owns shares in G&G.
There is also this interview from 2010 with the New Yorker, in which Neil claims he is no longer a member of CoS, but expresses sympathy with them:
These days, Gaiman tends to avoid questions about his faith, but says he is not a Scientologist. Like Judaism, Scientology is the religion of his family, and he feels some solidarity with them. “I will stand with groups when I feel like they’re being properly persecuted,” he told me.
It is also well known that celebrity members of CoS are encouraged/allowed to lie about their connection to it in order to support their monetary success. Because of course they're going to contribute back to the organization through that success, which it appears Neil has done.
Additionally, we know from public accounts of CoS's practices and leaked documents that once someone leaves the organization, they are not allowed to continue to associate with anyone within the cult. Isolation of former victims is one of the many tools used against them. The fact that Neil maintained a marriage for decades to an active member who still works for CoS, as well as relationships with his family members who are leaders in CoS, indicates he is either still on the books as a member or is contributing to CoS in order to avoid alienation from his family. Any sympathy a desire to remain connected with his family might conjure is misguided in my opinion, because we know that he's likely profiting off of shares in a company that takes advantage of and contributes to the traumatization of vulnerable patients as a CoS affiliated business.
Had I known Neil Gaiman was so closely connected to the "church" sooner (one degree away from L. Ron Hubbard himself as a child!), I would not have supported his work in the way that I did in the past. And I think he knew that a significant portion of his audience would respond the same way, which is why he obfuscated and downplayed those connections.
His alleged ongoing involvement also changes the way I perceive his actions - Deception and manipulation is, by former member's accounts, standard procedure for leaders within Scientology. It should come as no surprise that he will continue to deny any evidence, attempt to blame his victims, and lie lie lie to avoid potential consequences. It is, after all, the example he was given and trained in as an active participant in a destructive cult that he has never publicly disavowed and that he appears to continue to support.
I think this information should be taken into account as former (hopefully) fans react to his responses to these accusations. I wish for peace for the victims who are now speaking out, and I hope they are able to reach the resolution they deserve.
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