#i actually have friends now when ive been lonely for so long and im being trivial

[specialneedz]

im stupidly selfish sometimes i think

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

👁️👁️🔂👁️👁️👁️👁️👁️👁️

cringe at myself.....,.....

im aa FOOOOOLLLLLLLL 🫥

Sometimes i think, im a real artist or something..

But whats even real about me? everything i do only exists online

majority of it being on TUNBLR of all places.

fragile fucking tumblr.

my entire life is my imagination and fantasies my entire life is a thoughtform. how can i be a real artist if im barely even a real person in "reality".

not even banishedgirl but intangible girl.

The other day, when i posted about how i want to use the inter net less but im too lonely to stop, i feel it came back to bite me today, in a way i didnt want at all, for the short time my blog was gone, and this brought to my attention, how truly deeply foolish i am

i could disappear so fast like nothing because its all just 👉🧠💭 up here

Even tho my blog is back now. i cant get that feeling off of me. Like yeah there no reason my blog would actually be deleted, unless you know like, tumblr just got discontinued as a website. Which is not an unlikely scenario. i often wonder how long they'll keep paying for these servers. We saw what happened with myspace...

if tumblr was gone, id really be GONE gone

like. i dont exist.

sick to my stomach all day. even if i export my blog and put it on a hard drive ... does it even matter? it literally is not even "matter" it is pixels it is thin air.

How do i be a real girl in the real world

in utena , the "real world" is actually all an illusion. and i believe that to be true for our world too. In a way ive always believed my fantasies and spirits are more real than my body

But i still do want to exist here. i almost have to live in denial about this to stay sane. But i want to exist forever. i want a normal life and friends. i want normal things.. its disgusting.. i feel sick!!!!! im so happy but im so miserable. i love myself but im so insecure. i dont understand anything. i resent fakeness but im fake too. im all just words and space and airy air air

How do i change my life how do i stop yearning to Prove that i exist..... Why do i want to prove it so bad

WHY DID I HAVE TO BE CONFRONTED W THIS TODAY WHAT AM I BEING CALLED TO DO

Like dude i am already going thru it lately. i didnt need any more crisisfuel.

IDK i have to believe its some kind of catalyst to save myself , lest i succumb to the void

it has to show me something i needed to see.

Stuff like this makes me want to disappear in a way that i have total agency over. (Not like in a killing my self way but just in a going away way.) Thats not practical though is it i know thats my evil side talking.

trapped in a sticky web trapped in this glue trap thats what gets me all defiant.

the book im reading rn is from the 70s. i wish i was writing books not posts... i wish i was meeting people in real life the way the author describes in the book. I know the vainly imagined past doesnt hold all the answers either. Good chance i wouldve been institutionalized for woman hysteria or st. But i dont like whats happening here i dont feel natural at all. And its not just me who feels it, clearly.

if only i could be the one who finds comfort in impermenance.

do i accept what im dissatisfied with, do i try to change, or both, or neither?

i am sad

i am existentially disturbed

and i am fucking arrogant 🥴

for wanting to be real.

FUCK!!!!! ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

[taocc-updates]

hey guys, lily here

ive been thinking for a while. a LONG while. like, since january, when my activity in taocc first started to kinda taper off. and.

i think im going to officially leave taocc. like, actually leave. im not breaking ties with it completely. i love you all so much and id hate to lose the friendships ive made in this community. but i think im done.

not only has my interest in taocc just completely gone down the drain, but it just feels like so much goes on in the day that even if im online often, i still miss out.

not to mention, i think i was using taocc to cope with being lonely. i had no idea how attention starved i was until i joined. i was obsessed. it got to the point where my rps on tumblr were getting in the way of my real life relationships, and i didnt notice until it was too late.

the moment i met my boyfriend was the moment i realized i was only using taocc to cope with my need for attention. the moment i started posting about him was around the time i stopped interacting as much.

also, all of the drama and traumatic events and stuff have been way too much for me. i joined taocc looking for a fun, silly time to be silly with friends, and i feel like its just devolved into a traumafest. none of the characters are ever happy for long, and its really started to get to me. i thought maybe stepping away for a bit would fix that, but instead it just made it feel worse.

so. im leaving taocc. not exactly sure what im going to do with all of my blogs just yet. maybe ill hand them over to some of you, or maybe ill just make a unique final closing post on each blog to give each character the closure they need. not sure yet. but for right now, ill leave it here.

i love you all, and im really grateful to all of you for being my friends. keep drawing, keep playing with your ocs like dolls, and have a wonderful life.

this is mod lily, signing off for the last time.

[bil-daddy]

hi mr bildad um im just gonna dump this here since i have no one else to talk to

as someone who has always praised in their ability to be friends with anyone (i also need human interaction to survive btw) ive been feeling very lonely, especially since now are the school holidays.

my best friend (who is one year older than me) is barely online and doesn't take me seriously enough. and when i ask my friend group (with 2 other people my age) if they want to go out nothing happens. ive asked so many times but it's like they just don't want to hang out. and i keep seeing them post everywhere of them having fun with their OTHER friends (i don't know them bc they're from their primary schools; we are in secondary school now). and the obvious solution is to hang out with my primary school friends, right? well awesome news I DONT HAVE ANY.

and like ive just been feeling really really lonely especially today. i don't even text anyone except for my best friend, and even then she doesnt really respond properly because its like i dump a lot of messages and 4 hours later she skims through them, rinse and repeat.

(also side note i used to have another best friend but he ended up having a crush on me and didn't give me space so i kinda ended the friendship bc i wasn't comfortable with it)

during my entire TWO MONTH school holiday i haven't gone out with friends. not even once. while i see everyone else my age having so much fun and enjoying life while i just rot at home scrolling through tumblr.

so yeah im not really having a great time. hopefully when i get back to school in january things will be better

sorry for the long rant

Hey, kid (human). No need to apologize for the long rant. Actually, I've got a lot to say about this topic, too, so take a toilet break, grab a beverage and a snack, then sit down with your deal old Bildaddy (platonic, metaphorical) for a chat.

First off, sorry you're going through this. It hurts a lot when friends start fading away, and you realize they no longer consider you as close and you consider them. Feeling left out and like you don't have any real friends seriously sucks.

But it's actually something every single person goes through at some time or another--though most of us aren't brave enough to admit it like you have, because it feels embarrassing and shameful. Like there's something wrong with you.

There isn't.

There is nothing wrong with you.

Friends come and go, and 99% of the time it has nothing to do with you, or anything you've said or done. It isn't your fault. That doesn't mean it hurts any less, but it isn't your fault.

But that being said, I promise you, for every person you see pictures of having so much fun and enjoying life, there are twenty--probably even more--at home like you, scrolling tumblr, or tiktok, or reddit, or whatever the kids are scrolling these days.

And even those people you see posting pictures, that isn't their everyday life. They post pics of the good times, not the bad ones (well not usually) or the boring ones. Especially not the boring ones. I bet they do more sitting at home and scrolling than you think. They're just not advertising that for all their followers to see.

But that's not the point. The point is (dolphins! goats!) your current friends aren't fulfilling your need for socialization. And that means you need to find some new friends, anon.

You can still stay friends with your best friend and that old friend group. As in, don't send them a message officially ending the friendship, and don't delete and/or block them everywhere. You can still talk to them in school when you see them.

(Do unfollow them on social media if seeing them hang without you is upsetting--or better yet, pause on using social media entirely--except for tumblr, of course--until you're in a better place, mentally and emotionally. Bildaddy deleted instagram five years ago and never went back.)

But starting today, back off on asking these friends to hang out, and sending long text messages to your best friend that she only skims through. They're not matching your energy, so you need to start matching theirs. Either they'll notice the difference and start making more of an effort (no, not that kind), or they won't and they won't. But either way, you'll stop wasting your time.

Next, you take all the energy you were spending on your old friend group and start looking for new friends.

While you're still on winter break, there might not be as many opportunities, but there are some possibilities. Do you have any cousins around your age who might wanna hang out? Or maybe there are local events aimed at teenagers you can attend? Check libraries and community centers. Or on New Year's Eve, there might be some sort of Parents Night Out event you can volunteer for and help babysit a group of little kids, along with other teenagers that you could befriend?

Then, when winter break ends, look around your school for other students who might be in your same situation--and trust me there are others in your same situation. Is there someone who always sits alone at lunch? Or what about that kid in class who's too shy to speak up? Is there someone getting bullied or ostracized? Someone new to the school who hasn't made any friends yet? Look for the ones who might need a friend as much--or even more--than you do and try to befriend them.

It won't always work, no, cause nothing always works. But it will work sometimes. And you only need it to work enough times to make a couple friends. And if you make the right friend, they might have a friend group that you can join.

I know it's really scary to put yourself out there and make the first move. But you'd be surprised how receptive people are, especially the shy ones who are too scared to say 'hi' first, and rely on the braver ones, like you, for the human connection they need. Because we all need it. (Even me. Because I'm totally 100% human.)

Other ways to make friends are clubs, in school and out of school, which is probably what adults will suggest if you ask them, so I'm not going to spend much time on this. But they're right. If you're not already in clubs--academic, sports, art, books, music, anime, whatever your interest(s) is--join some! If there's nothing of interesting at your schools, churches and other local organizations might also have youth clubs and activities, too.

Shared interests in a sure way to make friends. I see it happening all the time on Tumblr. Those mutuals you wish didn't live so far away? Well, you can find mutuals just like them IRL! (Especially if you start or join a book club that reads Good Omens, or a tv show club that watches Good Omens)

Another option is getting a part-time job at a place other teenagers work. If this is something you can do without disrupting your schoolwork, try it. Fast food restaurants, cinemas, places like that.

You say you're someone who has the ability to be friends with anyone? Well, prove it! This isn't a threat, by the way. This is encouragement. I'm encouraging you.

Now go out there and make some friends, kid! I know you can do it! I believe in you, and everybody here is rooting for you.

And, as always, have an ox rib (platonic)

[brunetteaura]

let me just hop on here and talk about something thats been bothering me for a while and something that i found out about myself. my entire life ive had all sorts of friends and i always had a dramatic fallout with them because of our energies simply not matching, and that was always with me seeing that first. it feels like ive been lying to myself for so long because ive been friends with a lot of people that didnt actually resonate with me on a deeper level, it wasnt always this organic mutual liking for each other that led to friendship but a connection formed out of loneliness (at least for me). and so the more id get to know myself the less i wanted to be friends with so many people, and it feels crazy to me because it means that i wasnt aware of who i actually was, of my needs of my view on life of things that i like, whatever there is in the book you name it, and sticking to it. absolutely zero idea of my identity and so id blend with someone else to internalize it, not allowing myself to take that journey on my own. im so emotional about it i want to hug my younger self desperately like that girl did not know that being alone but not lonely was a thing. right now i literally have almost no friends because during the last year or two ive cut ties with nearly everyone i knew, and funnily enough it was when i finally started digging deep because there were no distractions anymore and i knew i had to meet my real self. almost always the good people came around just when i started expressing myself and taking up space, and as a result attracting people simply because they saw something in me and not because they were desperate of filling the void within themselves. the girls that inspire me every day saw my potential just when i did that too and i think its so beautiful? i always felt that i wasnt good with words and that theres nothing special about me but as soon as i realized that i am in fact valuable just because im me, other people wanted to talk to me and love me. girl im crying rn but im so proud of myself for being there for me god bless

[thecedarchronicle]

🌞 do you have any little sso headcanons you'd be comfortable sharing? or just one perhaps? 👉👈💕

thank you for the ask anon!! it was super sweet of you :)

-mario didnt believe in magic at all before coming to jorvik, and he and elizabeth had a friendly rivalry for a long time ("you know i could probably help reinforce the observatory bridge" "what, with a spell?" "no, with wood ✨") and once mario actually saw it for the first time he went to elizabeth's house and had a "wtaf is my life" session with (heavily alcoholic) tea

-in that same vein, i think that it probably gets very lonely up on the mountaintop especially with elizabeth not coming up anymore. so mario and the spymaster spend a lot of time together now and are friends and neighbors, and the squirrels sometimes help mario with his chores!

-oldie but a goodie, the secret ufo belonged to fripp

-horses born in jorvik naturally are more attuned to their bonded riders and have a little more intelligence than horses born in other parts of the world. this has caused a lot of debate over whether or not jorvegian born horses should be allowed in competitions. this isn't a huge issue though because horses born on jorvik rarely leave jorvik. and horses that come to jorvik end up developing that stuff naturally 🩵

-ive posted abt this before but i really like it: the in-universe reason why questlines are so inconsistent and spotty after all the retcons and plot changes is actually because MC is just now awakening their moon circle abilities and isn't trained with them yet, causing them to see into alternate realities and timelines. which explains why sometimes you can see anne and lisa at events before you save them, or why sometimes anne has been missing for a week, or a month, or a year

-derek, justin, and maya are close friends :) they're all in the same group of 'dealt with weird magic stuff and care about the people involved, but aren't/are no longer involved themselves' so i think they would all bond over that! plus with maya having worked with the moorlands for so long, and them all being around the same age i like to think maya and justin grew up together, and im pretty sure derek moved to jorvik during ssl (so highschool) so im not sure how he would have met them...!! maybe through just delivering stuff to moorland or through the soul riders' shenanigans??

-erissa and madison are best friends :)

thats all i have off the top of my head!! im sure i have loads more ive forgotten...maybe ill just have to make more posts like this when i remember them haha ^^

[papayajuan2019]

was getting ready to go to bed and remembered you. how have u been

hey you thought of me :') i'll remember you before i go to bed. ive been actually both progressing and in turmoil. i been procrastinating on cleaning but my ass finally got up to do it, im feeling pretty lonely, but that isnt new. i notice it now and dont punish myself for it. but also i'm feeling disappointed in myself. im putting off a call with a friend who deserves an explanation for something. the longer i wait the more difficult im making it. all i need to do is be open and honest, but i also know i'll be so awkward, like i always am, so i'm procrastinating. they deserve more from me. ive been drinking again, when i went almost half a year without doing so. im trying to observe how come without being critical of myself. im trying to be nice to myself but it's kinda hard when i feel like an awful person. but also i know im doing so much better than i have in a long time. ive been alone in this house every night for a week and i think it's getting to me. i want to write and draw with crayon and watch a movie, but it feels like theres never time. i want to cry today, i think i need the release. i just had some sunflower butter and i dont feel so awful. i'm just living, basically. im trying to be more patient with being flawed. i know you werent looking for a response like this, but thank you for the opportunity to write this out some. sleep well sweetie. know i appreciate your check up, i dont get those much. it helps.

[our-t4t-experience]

WE ARE :D

okayokay and also a lot of it has to do w transness

i am a t4t gayboy and i met this other guy whos the coolest ever and hes also a gayboy (i dont think hes t4t but !!)

ESSENTIALLY, as is in true gay fashion, i became friends w him at the beginning of the school year, and weve gotten more and more close ever since.

i have my seminar with him, and every day during seminar we sit under the table and talk about life, and his favorite bands (which are now mine, because i like to steal the interests of the people i love) and its awesome. i love being around him, his presence is comforting.

on A days, i sit with him and a few friends at lunch, and the cafeteria is quite loud (and i have major overstimulation issues,) so sometimes ill get overwhelmed and he always notices and makes sure im okay, and sometimes when i don’t feel like i can do it, hell sit with me in the stairwell and let me talk about whats bothering me and he’ll just listen and give advice. On B days, during lunch, we just sit in a corner somewhere and talk. he’ll always listen and help me and ill so the same for him. if its not him comforting me, i get to talk to him and hear him ramble about his bands and his favorite things and i love the way he sounds when hes happy - i love the way his smile is so bright, and i love the way he looks when he gets embarrassed and realizes hes loud (i dont mind it - its not aggressive.)

every day after school, we hang out for anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour, just. coexisting. its awesome. i love him. and we spend this time working on hw together, and talking about the things we love.

i have a very all-over-the-place tumblr blog, which comes with a lot of yearning, because im lonely and in love. but this boy, my boy, my crush, follows me and we like constantly support each others blogs. so sometimes, ill post yearning posts and HE’LL REBLOG THEM 💞. maybe im overthinking it but like if were looking for the same things in a relationship.. i mean !! it cant mean nothing!! like the other day i reblogged a post that was like “all i need in life is a boy to lay on my lap and let me play with his hair” and he reblogged it with the tags “#all i need in life is a boy to let me lay on his lap and play with my hair” AND OMG??? LIKE MARRY ME UGH gosh this is so exhilirating.

also the other day i wrote him a long paragraph about how much i love him (we say “i love you” to each other consistently, presumably in a platonic way, but its never been specified or indicated, sadly :() and it was like (ill include a little excerpt)

“[…]nothing can come close to [describing] the feeling i get when im with you, not by a long shot. its so much stronger in a way that youd think it would have its own word, like how "a lot" has "a myriad," and ones stronger, more intentful, more meaningful. if there was a word that was as to love as myriad is to lot, my love for you would still be stronger. i am more than eternally grateful for your presence and where you have brought me since ive met you. talking to you has been the actual light of my life lately.” AND SO SO MUCH MORE IT WAS LIKE 700 WORDS LONG - AND IT WAS ALL LIKE THAT YK

and the next day i get this:

“I love you a alot (name). […] I love you so so much. […] I want to give you all that you deserve. Because people don't remind you of your actual worth. And if I can be a start to help you to that path, I'd be so fucking happy. I, more than anything need you to know just how much of an amazing person you are. […] I promise to always listen to you. Always. It's the least I could do. You're an amazing person <3” WITH A LOT MORE BUT I CUT A LOT OF IT FOR WORDS SSKE BUT AAAAAA HE WROTE ME A PARAGRAPH!!!!!!

ALSO we call almost every night and i always text him good morning and hes the awesomest and i love spending time with him.

sometimes i also get text exchanges where i say “text me when you get home” and he says “im not home but i just couldnt wait <3” AAAAAAAAAAA

and “wish i had a boy to hold me n warm me up <//3” and he said “i volunteer as tribute!” AAAAAA

i think the point of this is i dont feel like he likes me back but im in love w the man dude like the other day he let me lay on his shoulder and he played w my hair and i nuzzled into his neck a bit and he giggled and i was like “hm?” and he said “youre adorable” AAAAAAAAAA SOBBFIANDBSJ and i just buried my red ass face in his neck and he giggled at me again and i said fuck you and UGH i love him so much and all i wanna do is just be his i just wanna be his boy and he can be mine and we can be boyfriends!!!

and also hes also so awesome because he makes me feel so validated and sometimes when i like my outfit ill send him pics of it and he’ll say “you look very boy / very cis” and ill be like “no” and sometimes hell tell me how i look cis and sometimes hell say he wishes i could see myself the way he sees me. i wish i could understand how he sees me. i wanna know how he thinks of me, i wanna know if hed ever love me the way i love him!! i love him. so much. id do anything for him.

thank u for letting me ramble, i needed to get it out of my system because i cant tell anyone else cause theyd tell him but god i love him. so much.

p.s. if you see this, i love you dude. youll know its you. if you dont love me back, just . idk . act like u never saw it ty <3

-🧷

send me an updated ask when u two get together

[lulushults]

wrote something like this about natsu, now for my best girl lucy💖

i could honestly write on and on about lucy and how i think her past really was and how it truly affected her, so i’ll try to keep this short!

lucy’s childhood starting normal for her, she had 2 loving parents that did everything to ensure her happiness. then her mum died, and her life kinda went to shit.

lucy didn’t just lose one parent the day layla died, she lost both. jude started being neglectful and from the handful of short scenes we see in the anime slightly mentally abusive towards lucy.

i believe this was because of multiple reasons. number 1 because of lucy’s similar resemblance to layla. from what we’re shown it seems like layla and jude were incredibly in love even before they had lucy, to me it seems like after layla died he couldnt bare to look, or be around lucy due to how similar they looked. it caused him too much pain to be constantly reminded that layla was gone and she was never coming back.

number 2 pretty much links into the previous one, i think because of how much pain laylas death caused him he isolated himself to throw himself into his work to avoid facing the reality that was layla’s death.

however, for lucy to be 10 years old after just losing her mother, and then for her father to start acting like he doesnt give a shit about her, that must have been so confusing for her. to have your life completely flipped on its head within a couple of days probably led lucy to be so confused as to why jude wanted nothing to do with her anymore.

lucy was pretty much isolated from the outside world entirely, she had no friends her age, wasn’t allowed to attend school and therefore had to spend all day every day entertaining herself because she had no one to play with. not only this but she also had no one to talk to about how she was feeling at such a young age, she had no one to confide in and ask why her dad didn’t love her anymore, no shoulders to cry on, nothing.

this may be a personal headcannon of mine, but i believe lucys mental health as a young child was incredibly bad. to spend 6 long years almost entirely alone with no friends can for sure have long lasting effects. the reason why lucy was probably so sure about running away and living on her own was probably because she had already been raising herself for so many years beforehand, so whats the difference if she actually left.

lucy could have also blamed herself for judes behaviour, thinking that she had done something wrong to make him so mad at her all the time.

lucy, also, so obviously has intense abandonment issues. the way i see it, she’s been alone for so long that now she finally has friends and a family that care about her again, she never wants to let them ago. that would also explain why she was so heartbroken about natsu leaving her for a year, and if i remember correctly im pretty sure in the dub she literally says ‘i will be lonely’ when shes running after him.

i think her abandonment issues are more closesly related to natsu and happy than the entire guild however. natsu and happy were her first real friends her age, natsu helped her too reach her dream after knowing her for about a day without a second thought, she owes everything to him. i think the idea of her first real friend leaving her to be alone again absolutely breaks her heart.

my poor girl probably has so much going on in her head that she doesn’t want to remember. i can’t begin to imagine how horrible it must be for a 10 year old girl to be completely abandoned by her father after losing her mother. i really see myself in lucy, ive spent alot of my life with no friends so its easy for me to identify how horrific it makes you feel.

lucy may even struggle with her mental health outside of her past, for her to join the strongest team in fairy tail after every other member had been training since they were kids. for her to be surrounded by people who can so easily defend themselves in a fight when she could hardly hold her own and depended so much on her spirits thats sure to cause other issues. to feel like your the weak one in the group holding everyone back can cause so much guilt without even realising. (before anyone thinks it, im a lucy stan and im proud of her growth as a mage, im only talking about how she was when she first joined the guild)

lucy also, atleast around the beginning of the show, hated being connected to the heartfilia family. she point blank refused to let anyone outside of the guild know who she really was. theres a large possibility that if people were to find out her full name, some people around the world would resent lucy for joining a guild, thinking that shes selfish for taking jobs to earn even more money. lets not forget the time the guild belitted her behind her back for pretty much this exact thing, calling her a brat.

the way i see it, one of the reasons lucy was so infatuated with fairy tail growing up was probably because of their obvious connection with one another. she craved for a home, for people to love and care for her just like how her mother did before she passed. she craved love from other people after being shunned from her own father for so long.

before i shut my mouth, i’ll touch on something that i think pretty much every lucy fan is aware of and thats the reason behind why she dresses the way she does. her entire life lucy was forced into stuffy dresses she very clearly did not enjoy wearing and was told she wasn’t allowed to show any skin as its not ‘lady like’. lucy dresses she way she does to show her recent independence and escape from such a strictly ruled environment. to go from showing no skin at all, to wearing shorts skirts and little crop tops, shows that it’s her way of trying to re-discover herself after being bossed anound and told what to do and wear for so long.

[bumblevoid]

do you want to hear a bit about my au as i'm working on the long fic? hit read more! long post.

do have no clue what this au is?

it's a kaden lives au! it starts off in the middle of rift apart, in kedaro station. ratchet, wearing the robot disguise armor, falls into the lombax dimension and gets mistaken as a robot.

after a few shenanigans that is the not yet done first chapter, ratchet is joined by the interdimensional division in trying to fix the dimensional cataclysm and, of course, find clank again.

below are the au ref sheets & backstories for the interdimensional division! since ive been having fun with the timeline and a lot of details probably won't come up

starting off: Kaden!

this version of kaden just barely survived his fight with tachyon. he may have survived by being thrown into blizon so hard it shattered and brought him to the lombax dimension, but it wasn't an easy fight before that. he lost his left ear and lower arm to an explosion.

during the genocide, kaden had thought his family made it out, and he was not the one to hide ratchet on veldin. in the thirty years since, he lost himself to depression and grief for a long while. but eventually he started to find a new normal after the loss of his family.

kaden is currently the "keeper of keepers", the title for the head of the keepers which is one the divisions in d&d au. he is also a member of the interdimensional division, and formerly part of the praetorian guard. he and mags met when he was assigned to keep mage safe in other dimensions, which eventually evolved to him being made the keeper of the dimensionator.

next up: mags!

first id just like to say i did draw this before id designed his prosthetic finger. if you want to see that in more detail there's a drawing a ways back!

now, mags is everything he is in canon and a lot more. he grew up during the great war and in his 20s acted as a translator for any and all alliances the lombaxes had. he was a linguist, and spoke nearly every language native to polaris. when the war ended and the interdimensional division began, he joined and proved very useful in exploring other dimensions with his knowledge of language. he helped to establish the research colony on savali, and was eventually selected for the first solo cross dimensional exploration mission.

it was meant to last five years, where he'd be hopping through some dimensions and spending more time in them to learn. the people he encountered in the first dimension were hostile and he ended up on a rainforest planet in a second dimension with a non-functional dimensionator. it took him nearly ten years to fix it with the limited resources there, but he came back as soon as he could.

when he came back it had been not ten years, but seven and a half centuries. it took him a while to accept that everything had changed and everyone he knew was long gone, but now he's doing fairly well.

mags is the head of the interdimensional division! while the division is mostly gone now, it was actually the biggest that made it to the lombax dimension. without the ability to travel dimensions anymore, nearly all of them spread out into other divisions.

now, the two ocs. the interns. they both have plot relevant reasons to be in the fic as much as they are, im just not going to spoil those :3

firstly, niven! not a new face to this blog haha

niven is a bit of a prodigy in robotics. there isn't a specific robotics division, though, so they ended up studying interdimensional research at the academy. and while they have graduated already, they aren't quite old enough to be a full member of the division, so they're just an intern.

they were born in the lombax dimension after the city had mostly been built again. the population is still small, and niven ended up skipping a lot of grades. they found themselves lonely, and built a friend, M-01. they're almost never apart now.

aaaand, M-01! also known as Millie or Mellon

she's a robot that niven built to be their friend. she's a bit sassy, and enjoys tinkering with random things. where niven enjoys robotics, millie enjoys making practical upgrades to things.

first and foremost, mellon is a companion. but she also likes racing. she wasn't programmed with a calculator and loves to rag on niv for it.

yeah! there's the interdimensional division of denial & disguises. the first chapter is about halfway done, and these guys first appear there! mags and kaden got oneshots already, though i do need to edit a few timeline things in the first one.

[a-very-tired-raven]

Aw dammit, you guys are makin me wanna post this now(10:05) instead of 11:00, but im strong lmao (WARNING, long post ahead)

Anyways, i wanted to start this post off, by giving a thanks to all the truly wonderful people ive met on this platform from this year, last year, when i first joined, and the years to come. Youve all made my experience here wonderful, and to be honest youve made me feel so very very welcomed, and especially loved.

I came to this (wonderful)hellsite during a really lonely time in my life. A few years ago, around the later days of june, 2019, looking for more undertale content. What i didn't expect to find at all, were all the wonderful people im so so so very glad to now call my friends.

All of you, and i mean all, of you invited and welcomed me into your blogs with open arms, kindness, and silly jokes. Even going to the lengths introducing me to your other friends and making me apart of your friend groups. And...i genuinely cannot express how thankful i am for that.

Im so serious, i feel so loved and cared for every single day now, i always have someone to vent or talk with, someone to joke and ramble with, so many people that ive intertwined into this little online family of mine.

Weve all been through..a lot these past three years. What, with covid, loss, hate, and so much more. What im grateful for, is that i havent lost any of you, which not only am i suprised about, but also so grateful. You guys make me feel like the best verison of myself, and make me feel..well..me. we've all stuck together and looked out for each other, helped each other out with our problems, and shared art and stories.

Ive had the pleasure of meeting some very fine, brilliant, and respectable people thus far, and have had the honor of talking with some astonishing young friends. Ive even had the pleasure of gaining followers, and have received fanart of my own characters!! Which, i would have never guess would have happened. Ever. And yet it did, and that means so much to me.

So i suppose what im trying to do, or well..say here, is that all of you have turned my life for the better, and id like to thank you for that.

Thank you, @let-love-run-red @ratsoh-writes @und3rwat3r-a5tr0naut @vrnicky @a-gods-somewhat-mortal-form @icelingbolt @shimmer-lamp and @glaucus22 for being my very first friends in here, for welcoming me so warmly, and sharing your art and introducing me to so many cool people. I wouldn't have had as good as an experienced as ive had with you to have shown me kindness in the way the way you did

Thank you @glitchysquidd for giving me the honor of seeing your artwork, and goofing off with me from time to time.

Thank you @mochamashi @kuvvydraws and @underfell-crystal for being so nice to me, and taking time out of your days to chat and listen to my stupid little jokes

Thank you @luminawithherdaemonlinh @wisteria-and-crocuses and again @mochamashi for all the fanart youve sent me iver the months, and all the kind and craziness youve shown me. Thanks for going on crazy little rants with me wisteria, and a big thank to you lumnia for supporting me and my art for so long

Thank you @shimmer-lamp for being there with me since day one, for letting me vent and trusting me enough to confide in me at times.

Thank you @rainbowut @the1920sisntaphasemom and @scienceisfood for giving me so many ideas and laughter, i really do appreciate you guys and i feel as if i dont say it enough. You guys so are hilarious- seriously, i appreciate it

Thank you so so much @hearty-dose-of-ranch @kioko-noodles @fruitsnackart @skele-fucker @sendryl and @und3rwat3r-a5tr0naut taking me in your friendgroup so fast, and so warmly. Before you guys took me in, all of you inspired me and my art so much...i could hardly believe i was actually talking to you guys and was considered a friend??! My hands were shakey, my breath was wobbly, and yet you guys never thought twice about including me. You all have been there for me since ive met you, you all have (patiently)listened to my stuttering and ramblings without a second thought, youve all introduced me to so many cool things and have made me feel so so loved..i cant possibly thank you enough. Youve done so much for me

Thank you @ratsoh-writes for enduring my chaos and bad jokes. Youve made my dumbass feel incredibly welcomed, not to mention being such a big fuckin inspiration??? Youre one of the reasons i started to get confident in my art man. Ive used your art as references so much- and youve been such a good friend to me as well?? Be angry about me gettin muchy all you want, i love you ya stinky sewer varmit.

Thank you @springbon-t-art for showing me kindess even more since i joined the hellscape that is tumblr. Youve showed me nothing less then gentle smiles and kind words, and i thank you for that. Your art has inspired me for years, and most likely years to come from now. So thank you for inspiring me enough to pick up a pencil and start scribbling down on the floorboards

And a big big thank you to @let-love-run-red love...i dont even know where to begin. You've helped me through so much, you've inspired and taught me so much fuckin stuff...you've been one of the best damn friends i could ever have. You've supported me and my cringe drawings since the day i entered your inbox as that shy little anon on that late August day.

Hell, you're the damn reason i started writing. I still remember the tips you given me, all the advice and confidence. And i sincerely thank you for that. You have shown me nothing other then kindness and hardcore support. And i cannot express how much that means to me

And theres so many more people i have yet to thank but unfortunately cannot due to tag limits and my memory. Id have to make another post and make sure i havent forgotten anyone lmao, but thank you all!! To my close moots and followers, to the big inspirations ive yet to summon up the courage to talk to

I seriously, would have not made it this far without you dorks, and i sincerely, and genuinely, hope ive made an impact at least a fragment of the size you guys have made on me. Thank you all for giving me a place to call home on this little site.

Right now the time is 10:41 as i wrap this up, so im gonna go ahead and post this(probably willl be 11 or 12 by the time you twerps get to this point lmao)

So HAPPY NEW YEARS!!

And happy many years to come!!! I cant wait to see what this years brings us, what bonds strengthen and friends we'll meet. Thank you for the wild ride and for all the adventures to come!!

[webslingingslasher]

hiii j 😞❤️‍🩹:( just need to vent..

im feeling kinda down rn. i just feel lonely. like, im actually an independent person and im introverted so im happy in my bubble but after the thing that happened with my ex friends, i realized that i never rly fit in anywhere.. i outgrew a lot of things and people (including them) so now im just by myself and i have no one to yap with :( i dont rly have anyone to share my life with rn it's sad.. it's been months..

im not regretting that i cut ties with them lol but idk im just kinda sad. im always changing and outgrowing things and yea growing is a good thing and ive changed a lot for the better but it just sucks how ive never found my people and i still haven't. ive never even had a bf either so literally ive never been loved.. god

ive been told that i'll find my people eventually and yes i believe that 100% but what am i supposed to do when i feel lonely? i always just let myself go thru the sadness of it but it's been kinda long.. i cant be like this always.. n yes maybe my journey rn is about being with myself and not others but what am i supposed to do with the loneliness? ..where do i put it, you know?

ive been meeting ppl though like thru my classes and orgs but we're not close, we just rly work together.. i mean it's a start i guess. but everyone else alr has their own set of friends n crowds and i just dont find myself fitting in with a lot of them bc it's just not me, like im not built like them. and i dont want to change who i am just so i can fit in. and i like the way i am and i dont wanna destroy that or lose myself so.. idk :(

all i can do rn is hope and wait but it's getting real lonely and it kinda hurts that i dont have anyone to share my joy and pain with.. im literally just carrying myself thru it all

-🧚🏼‍♀️

i am so sorry fairy :( i'm sending you a big hug. i promise it'll all come together and you'll find your people. for now try to lean on the people around you that love you and support you and spend a little time with yourself and try to have fun.

don't change yourself. that's boring and fairies aren't boring.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

hi, i wanted to get any kind of input or opinion because i think theres something really wrong with me. ive always been obsessed with labels and terms to identify myself, always switching them around and finding a new one regularly to base myself off of. right now at least i have no actual sense of identity and its very possible i could just be reaching because i tend to do that a lot but i dont remember a time where i genuinely had a hold on who i was, aside from when i had a really unhealthy obsession with one singular person for about 2 years. my entire life and mental state revolved around them during that time and to be honest, even though we arent on speaking terms anymore, still seeing them on socials messes me up pretty often.

anyway, the main issue is that i dont really know who i am or who i even want to be. i cant even really keep a name/nickname to go buy for longer than a few months only because i know it inconveniences the people around me (however few there are now). and thats another thing! im really iffy about making connections with people now because a lot about it makes me uncomfortable, like the responsibility and having to deal with another person all the time. i know that sounds really shitty, but i feel like i spent all my love ill ever have on that one person for two years and now that its gone, its never coming back. im still very lonely now but the thought of trying to fix that is really uncomfortable to me. its not that im incapable of making friends, its that after a while ill kind of get tired of them? something about consistency makes me restless and i know its shitty because im a really up and down kind of friend, like recently ive only been talking to people when i feel like it, which is one big reason i dont want to make friends and put people through that.

back to the labels and identity thing. its always kind of been there, but recently the urge to cling to some sort of label or answer for my behavior and thoughts and feelings has been so strong that i almost wish i was genuinely delusional or something. or just that something was seriously wrong with me, just so that i have something new and big to cling to. i know thats bad and unhealthy but i dont know how else to function. ive been thinking recently that i have a lot of narcissistic traits, or at least self centered tendencies. i always operate like im the main character. i always do things with the thought in mind that there will be no negative outcomes for me, and if there so happens to be one, then ill somehow weasel my way out of it. i think that everything will always go well for me, which is weird because it very much has not in the past. a lot of bad things have happened to me, but in a weird fucked up kind of way im glad they did. because now i have some sort of trauma to cling to and roll into my identity. but the flaw in that is that i need a new one every so often. i cycle through different traumas and disorders and sexualities and genders and names and everything that i really, genuinely dont know who i am. and thats why i think somethings wrong with me. because what normal person thinks and operates like this? i dont know if i fully described the reality of my situation, or if im just saying that because i want it to seem worse, but thats about it. sorry for the long ask. i hope you can get around to answering

Hi anon,

I think to some degree its okay to like labels, as they can provide us a sense of structure and being able to name things can give a lot of people comfort. It's also okay to change your identity, as identities are fluid and naturally change over time. You're allowed to change your identity as many times as you want because it's literally yours to dictate, you know?

However, there are many different possibilities as to why you may be experiencing this frequent shift in identity. While I can help explain what these possibilites might be, it is crucial to consult with a mental health professional for an accurate assessment and diagnosis.

One of the possibilities is that you could have some narcissistic tendencies, as from my understanding of NPD, it's about basically trying to regain control of feeling worthless or helpless by constructing a reality of grandiosity that can be incredibly fragile (please correct me if I'm wrong).

Also in the realm of personality disorders, the idea of having "identity disturbance" and "unhealthy obsessions" with someone is characteristic of BPD. Identity disturbance, also sometimes called identity diffusion, is described as an "incoherence, or inconsistency in a person's sense of identity. This could mean that a person's goals, beliefs, and actions are constantly changing. It could also be that the person takes on personality traits of people around them, as they struggle to have and maintain their own identity." Of course, you can experience identity disturbance without BPD, but it's still a common experience among pwBPD.

Another possibility is tired to when you said "i cycle through different traumas and disorders and sexualities and genders and names and everything that i really, genuinely don't know who i am" as it reminded me of how a system might experience their identity, especially if they don't realize they're a system. This is not me saying you're definitely a system, but the possibility of plurality could be something to explore further as well.

Ultimately, this could be something to explore further with the guidance and mediation of a mental health professional such as a therapist, who can work with you to identify more concretely why you may be experiencing these things. They can also help you navigate these feelings and provide guidance tailored to your specific needs.

It's important to practice self-care and be gentle with yourself as you navigate your identity. Please know that it's okay to take your time and embrace the journey of self-discovery. If anyone has any additional insights or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[goth-oatmilk-latte]

is there a story behind meeting new Mr oatmilk that you want to share w the class?<3 (ps he sounds like a well deserved upgrade)

sure!! so btw he took the photos of me at the cemetery/my current pfp!!

him and i have actually known each other for probably like 6 years or so. when we first met, he was married and we didnt really talk we just had a lot of mutual friends bc we like the same music and go to a lot of the same shows and we would just see each other in passing. he ended up telling me he was intrigued by me bc i had done a photoshoot and my pfp when we met was me holding a butcher knife in a wednesday addams outfit, and he said he knew i had to be an interesting person from that alone. he is quite shy though. we would also see each other places but never really said more than hi to one another. he got divorced in 2020, we talked a little then, but not really. then he dated his now most current ex, more or less bc she basically cornered him into a relationship while he was just getting over his divorce and homegirl needed a place to stay. hes told me he regrets it and said he literally should have kept trying with me bc being shy with me would have been a hell of a lot better than how things worked out for the 2.5 years of abuse she put him through. (his words)

last year we started talking a lot bc he was posting a lot of concerning stuff to his insta private story and so i kind of talked him thru his abusive relationship he was currently in and he mentioned he really needed a close friend. we ended up becoming gym partners for a bit before both our now exs went batshit over it and our friendship as a whole. and we stopped talking for a bit...and then we would talk a little here and there. and we both mutually agreed we were both in shit relationships.

around may, he texted me and told me him and his ex finally broke it off after months of him trying (long story) but he still wanted to at least be my friend again bc he missed me a lot. and i told him i was also dealing with more or less trying to leave my fiance. this is actually around the time i found the flashdrive full of nudes from other women ex mr oatmilk was keeping from me. and i finally left mr oatmilk after he tried to go thru my phone while i was in the shower, which prompted an argument about why it didnt matter who i was friends with bc he couldnt stop entertaining other women and i even pulled out the flashdrive and was like yeah im done.

so me and new mr oatmilk started hanging out more. he would go on walks with me after work. or we would go back to being gym buddies. or we would grab dinner. go to a bookstore. i helped him pick out stuff for his new apartment.

i asked him if he wanted to go see the cure with me at the end of last month and he surprised me by paying for a 2 night hotel stay for us instead of us just driving 2 hrs. and thats also when we went to the cemetery to walk around bc he knew id like it. thats pretty much when we decided we were actually an item.

i helped him move into a new apartment last weekend. and tonight im surprising him with making him dinner. ive pretty much stayed over since he moved in, which is funny bc he got a smaller bed than he would normally get bc he originally told me he didnt wanna feel lonely since it's just him...but he has only spent like one night alone since living there lol.

whats really fucked up tho is his ex is always trying to instigate with me...from doxing me in a bar bathroom, to literally driving by his new place to see if i am there. and shes friends with my ex now too. she's harassed me via text and social media, too. but it's fine, i dont usually engage. which pisses her off.

him and i are happy 🥰 hes honestly lovely.

[rat-in-a-coffin]

these last weeks have been hell for a lot of reasons and i’ve completely had to rethink my life and values for the better. all ive been able to focus on these 5 years i’ve known im trans is how to fit in, how to be what every cis person wants from me. and all ive done is to hide in future, forgetting that my life is here and now. ive been so focused on starting hrt and creating the life i want to live, that i’ve actually forgotten to live and just inwaiting the time where all i want will get delivered to me on a silver plate, which will obviously never happen.

ive been out for 901 days today, and i’ve never meet someone like me. barley online either, like i know other trans and queer people on tumblr (the only soicial i got) but i’ve never actually meet anyone and gotten that friend bond. and thinking about it, its fucking lonley and i never realised it

its 893 days till i can go on hrt and become that person ive been longing to be, but up to then? i shouldn’t waste more of my life, just because im around people who don’t understand. i should make the best of it, because i am already the person im longing to be. im just a kid, and i should allow myself to grow up and actually be a kid. i should do the things i enjoy, and be exactly how idiotic i want because thats what being a kid is. i should actually seek the community im in, because if im gonna spend the rest of my life around cishets its never gonna get less lonely

and when it gets hard i should just look into the next 5 minutes; or the next day but not 10 years in the future. how can i make this day easier? i don’t need to suffer just because im not 10 years in the future; its now and only now that matters

[nerpaprincess]

i hope that one day things stop being so horrible and weird and i stop being so lonely and my heart stops aching and i grow close to people who love me and i dont have to go to bed in a cold and lonely twin bed anymore and that i can keep making art and that something changes and something interesting happens and i hope i am okay one day and that i dont have to kill myself but right now i am stuck in a time loop of working and being stressed and barely talking to anybody and being almost entirely isolated with nothing interesting or fun happening and being entirely unable to relax or find meaning in my life and being sick and tired all the time

and it hurts, i just want to feel good. i dont know whats keeping me from feeling good. whats wrong with me that i cant feel good?

i would just like to be held for a little bit if nothing else. i just need a minute in bliss, a minute of euphoria. id be an addict if i actually left my house and knew people with access to drugs. its kind of a miracle i was never offered anything besides weed and i wouldn't know how to access it. ive spent so much time alone in my house. i dont know anything about the real world or people my age. i don't know what's right and what's wrong and how im supposed to feel about anything. i havent had a real friend in person for so long. besides a small group of people who i love but can only talk to online, nobody remembers who i am and nobody cares to defend me or understand me. i am invisible until im an object to abuse . im slipping through the cracks of reality both in other people's perception and in my own perception of this life. how can i get out of here? i don't know how to do anything and im disabled. How can i leave this horrible state? how can i find help? how can i find a job i can manage in the condition that im in? how can i meet new people when i see the bigotry and ignorance in everyone and i can immediately feel that i am different from everyone? is there anything i can do for myself? i dont see the hope in anything anymore. i don't know how to save myself. everyone will only ever see me as lazy and weird and gross and ugly and childish and i dont know how to live in the real world with my disabilities.

i dont understand why ive been put here to suffer. what's the point? what's the meaning in any of this? i just want a helping hand. i need help. i cant do all of this alone anymore. but that's not how life works. you have to pick yourself up all alone. thats not fair. its not fair. i try my hardest to be so nice i have severe ocd about being as nice as possible, not offending anybody, not being inappropriate, and i am rewarded with a life of pain and abuse. why? how is that fair? all the terrible mean people live fantastic and peaceful lives. why. thats not fair. why was i born so fucked up. why was i made to be a victim. surely it was not in gods image to make me a victim of childhood sexual abuse? to make me a disgusting girl who barely qualifies as a woman. was i born just to be broken? was i born just to lose my mind over the fact that we live in a completely fucked up world thats falling apart perhaps more rapidly than my mental state? was i born just to promise ill make art and promise ill get better and never get better?

i dont want to die but it feels ridiculous to keep trying anymore. i cant make sense of anything.