#i actually have another one of the santa believer guys which is hilarious given that bb canonically also believes in santa

[knightwhoisni]

oh, i have a few of my own examples!

and of course

some of the soldiers you kidnap recruit for msf say the funniest things in their little dialogue boxes but my favourites are the guys who try to shoot their shot with big boss. “you look prettier every time i see you” excuse me who is this king

[marmolady]

Home for Christmas (Estela x MC)

Main Pairings: Estela x (f)MC

Summary: Endless Ending.  It's Taylor's first Christmas off La Huerta, and the beginning of new traditions with her found family.

Word Count: 6127

Chronology: carries on from ‘Date Night’, and  ‘When the Fight is Over’, precedes ‘A Proposal’.

Tagging: @saivilo, @edgydepressedchoicesthot, @sceptilemasterr, @greengroove​ 

“We’re home!” Taylor called as she stepped through the front door, immediately hit with a wall of warmth and the smells of spiced candles and fir tree. “Happy Christmas Eve, everyone!”

Diego practically bounced to the door, and wrapped his friend in a hug. “Wait, does this mean you’re the gift? Talk about cheap.”

“Hahaha, you’re hilarious. Actually, you should be grateful to have me. I could be helping myself to seconds of Tio Nicolas’ natilla right now. Sadly, airlines don’t tend to let you bring custardy leftovers on board.”

Estela grinned, wiping her snow-covered boots on the mat. “It’d be mush by now anyway. I’m sure Tio will take much better care of it.”

A year ago, everything was so different. Christmas had been, at best, a bittersweet occasion, the shadow of all that had been left behind in a burning world. It had been Taylor’s consolation prize; she’d die in a matter of weeks, but at least she had a semblance of a proper holiday season with the ones she loved.

The share house, purchased by Estela with what had been Aleister’s inheritance passed on, had been somewhat emptier than usual; most of the Catalysts had been desperate to spend the season close to family after having thought them lost forever for so long. With all the space going spare, Aleister and Grace had taken up residence, forsaking their apartment so they could keep Diego company during what was a difficult time for him. Estela and Taylor had, of course, been in San Trobida with Nicolas, sharing a family Christmas Eve-- the first Estela had actually celebrated with her uncle since just a few short days before her mother’s murder. It had been strange to let the occasion be happy, but as the day wore on, she settled into the feeling, warmed by the clear joy in Nicolas. By the time they’d flown all the way back to the States and driven back from Northbridge airport, it was getting on for midnight… almost Christmas Day.

Grace came skipping down the hall, Aleister a little way behind her.

“Merry Christmas, you two!”

“Happy Christmas!” Taylor opened her arms wide, accepting another tight hug. “I can’t believe you guys all stayed up. We said it was gonna be late….”

“Oh, don’t be silly! We’ve missed you. So much I almost don’t feel bad about tearing you away from all that San Trobidan sunshine.”

Estela hugged Grace, who barely came up to her chin. Her sister. “Christmas is for family. Tio is Colombian, so it’s all about Christmas Eve for him… it kind of works well now that my family’s a little bigger.”

There was sadness in Grace’s eyes… deep and profound. Estela saw it there, and it made her heart hurt. She had a lot of things she’d like to say about Grace’s mother, but none that had their place here and now. How anyone could remain cold after over a year of separation-- a disappearance no less-- boggled her mind. But Grace was Estela’s family now, and that came with no expectations, no strings attached. Perhaps someday Blaire Hall would see what exactly it was that she’d been missing out on, but in the meantime, Grace would be given all the familial love she could ever need.

Taylor turned around from hugging a typically awkward Aleister to catch Diego’s eye. “Hey, if you want to check out your actual gift, try the back door.”

“Uh, Tay… what have you done?”

“Just go look! Jeez, so ungrateful….” Taylor exchanged knowing glances with the rest of her companions once Diego was safely down the hallway.

“Oh. My. God!” came a cry from the back room. “Ohmygod. I think I’m gonna cry… oh my-- Varyyn!”

Grace chuckled. “I think you guys just won Christmas!”

“I know, right?” Taylor said, grinning broadly. Having brought Varyyn to San Trobida a couple of days prior so he could fly into the States with them for Christmas was a big undertaking… but somehow they’d managed to keep the secret. “Whoever’s got Diego for Secret Santa is gonna have to bring it.”

Grace and Aleister followed after Diego, excited to reunite with a friend they’d not seen in months. For all intents and purposes, Varyyn was the thirteenth Catalyst-- and as far as anyone was concerned, as part of the family as anyone else. It would take some assistance from Iris’ wizardry with holographic disguises, but Varyyn would be kept safe, and given a holiday to remember.

Listening to the joyous chattering of her best friend as he hurriedly got the full story of Varyyn’s surprise visit right from the source, Taylor smiled to herself as she slumped against the wall, exhausted. Late nights were something she still struggled with since her recovery from Vaanu’s essence leaving her-- though the slew of parties that came with moving into a house with half the Catalyst gang had built up her resilience a little. She noticed a sprig of mistletoe hanging over the doorway to the hall, and sidled over. All those kisses she’d shared with Estela last Christmas… they’d been goodbyes. Taylor didn’t ever want to kiss Estela goodbye again; she wanted to kiss her to say ‘I love you’, or  ‘I’m yours, forever’, or ‘sling me over your shoulder and carry me to bed’. Anything but ‘goodbye’.

Estela caught Taylor’s eye, and a smirk. Just a flash of a tease-- a dare. Such a freaking dork. And, of course, she had to go to her. She would always go to her.

Taylor swayed exaggeratedly, a pout on her lips, as she glanced --with all the subtlety of an army tank-- at the mistletoe above their heads. “So… are you gonna ki--?”

No further prompting was needed; Estela covered Taylor’s mouth in a searing kiss, while her hands roamed along her sides and back, holding… feeling. It was all she could do not to quirk a satisfied smile at the moan against her lips as her tongue swirled against Taylor’s. She could do this for… well, she could go without breath for fourteen minutes, but that could never be enough. How could she need air when she had this?

“I fucking love you, Taylor….” she gasped when she finally came away.

“...Buh…?” was the wordless sound that fell out of Taylor’s mouth as she wobbled on the spot. It took a moment for her to bring herself back to her senses, to return to earth from whatever heavenly realm she’d just been swept into. “I love you, Estela. I love you.”

She took Estela’s face in her hands, and kissed her hard, relishing the force, the passion with which her lover reciprocated. It was fierce and triumphant, all theirs after coming so close to it all being snatched away. My Estela. I’m yours, forever.

“Aw, what?” Diego exclaimed as he came into the hall, Varyyn’s hand clasped in his. “We’ve got a mistletoe traffic jam! Come on, Tay-- I haven’t seen him in weeks. Pretty, pretty please?”

Coming away with a little groan, Taylor looked into the disgruntled face of her best friend, at had to smile. It wasn’t possible to resent the interruption when She gave an exaggerated sigh. “Someone should’ve bought more mistletoe….”

“Hey! My expectations for kissing were so low--”

Taylor laughed, perhaps a little intoxicated by the lingering buzz of that kiss. “Oh, we’ll get out your hair. There’s some things best done with a little more privacy.” She wiggled her eyebrows at Estela, who was still looking at her as if oblivious to the presence of anyone else. All shining tenderness. It made her damn near melt on the spot. “Shall we?”

Estela nipped in for one last quick peck to her wife’s lips. “Okay… done.” She glanced to Diego and Varyyn with a slight smirk. “You two have fun. Before you have to fight off Grace and Aleister.”

 Having dumped their backpacks unceremoniously to the floor, Taylor and Estela fell onto their bed in a mess of loving touches and joyous giggles.

“Happy Christmas, sexy lady,” Taylor purred.

Estela blushed, glancing away momentarily before stealing another kiss.

“Te deseo con el fuego ardiente de mil soles. Eres mia, amante. Mi todo.”

“I have no idea what you just said… so why do I have shivers going up my spine?”

With a breathy laugh, Estela snuggled into the crook of Taylor’s neck. My everything. She could never take for granted what she had, some miracle that had meant Taylor could stay, that this was not, in fact, a dream. But she woke up each morning, and there Taylor was, and it was a balm for every hurt she’d ever been dealt.

“Hey?” she murmured.

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“And… before we went to sleep… I wanted you to have something. Seeing as we’re actually doing gifts this year.”

Taylor quirked an eyebrow, playing cool when all she really wanted to do was dive in her drawer and bring out her own gift. She’d been working on it a long time. “Okay-- just give me a moment. I’ve got something for you too. I’ll just change into my PJs first; gotta be comfortable.”

While Estela quickly got into her pyjamas, she glanced over at Taylor, unable to hold back a smile. God, she was beautiful. Estela reluctantly turned away to rummage for her gift.  

“Happy Christmas, Taylor,” she said, leaning in to kiss her lover’s cheek as she handed over the carefully wrapped parcel.

A warm smile spread across Taylor’s face. After the heartache the previous Christmas had come with, this was so wonderfully comfortable.

“Happy Christmas, ‘Stel.”

Taylor delicately pulled off the tape, trying not to rip the paper, and revealed a fat hard-cover book. It was heavy in her hands, full to bursting, slithers of paper peeking out the edges. A photo album.

“Wow, Estela… how did you do this?” she asked as she began to turn the pages. On the first page, the group selfie Michelle had taken just before the confrontation with Rourke--  which had been recovered from IRIS’ data bank-- and what followed was a chronological record of Taylor’s two years on Earth. There she was… holding a mewing pink kitten, a Valentine’s Day present… wind-surfing with Varyyn… dressed up to the nines for what had become the traditional Catalyst New Years-Multi-Birthday extravaganza. She’d not even seen most of them before. This must have been the complete repository of every photograph her friends had ever snapped on their phones during their year on La Huerta. Beside the photographs, her friends had scrawled notes and captions.“I mean, how did you get all these? Was everyone in on this?”

“Yeah, pretty much. Of course, you ask for help with these people and they go crazy with it. So it’s a little bit bigger than I first had in mind.”

More and more pictures. More and more memories. Taking her back to herself at her most weak and vulnerable, recovering from the release of Vaanu’s essence that had almost killed her. Friends crowded around her sick bed… then the celebrations that followed.

“There’s still room in the back,” Estela said. “For whatever it is next year brings.”

“Bring on 2020,” Taylor laughed. “I don’t think there’s anything it could throw at me I can’t handle; not now.” I’ve got you, don’t I? She looked up into Estela’s smiling face and loved her, her own eyes welling. “Thank you-- so much. Looking at this… I must be the luckiest person who ever lived. Nothing’s ever gonna be the same-- thank god-- but this time in our lives has been incredible, and this is just gonna keep it all with me. I love it. I really love it.”

Estela’s cheeks flushed. She could never tire of making Taylor’s face light up like that; glowing with joy. “Good. Because I love you.”

“And I love you too-- my starlight.” Taylor edged closer until she could tug Estela into a tight snuggle, and planted a soft kiss to her lips. Bliss. Then, she reached behind her pillow and brought out a squashy-looking present. “For you, my lover.”

Estela giggled and stole another kiss before accepting the gift. “It’s okay, I won’t have a meltdown this time.” Out of the wrapper fell a soft woolen bundle of dark blues and purples, accented with stars. An infinity scarf, homemade and endearingly lumpy.

“Taylor, it’s beautiful.” Estela hugged the scarf to her chest. She could feel the love interwoven through the whole thing, and the symbolism of the stars… and their forever.

“I tried to arrange the stars roughly into our constellations. Limited success, but if you squint--”

Estela hooked the scarf around her wife’s neck and tugged her in for a kiss. “It’s perfect, you dope. I absolutely love it. And I love you-- to the furthest star in the universe and back.” She took Taylor’s hands, and saw those stars in her eyes, shining just for her. “This just… feels like a dream. Like if a year ago, we’d wished and prayed to who and whatever the hell might have been listening… this is more than I could have dared hope for.”

“A scarf?”

Estela playfully swatted Taylor about the head.

“No, I know,” Taylor laughed airily. She leaned in and kissed Estela’s nose, her cheeks, her full, tender lips. This holiday season wasn’t an effort in consolation, it was a foundation being laid for a full, human life. Moments that would become traditions. “It’s everything I never thought I could have,” she said softly. “And I am just so, so excited to have this with you, year after year.”

“Me too.”

Leaving her scarf on, Estela snuggled under the heavy blanket and nestled in against Taylor. She yawned, happy-tired. It was a wonderful feeling, running from her head to her toes. She let her hands roam; caressing Taylor’s chest, torso, then venturing beneath her pyjama pants to settle between her legs.

Taylor let out a pleasured hum, but kept herself together enough to reciprocate; she did love a challenge. Her movements were slow, purposeful; knowing exactly how to elicit the whimpers that told her she’d got Estela coming apart in the best way.

The two lovers touched, caressed, kissed, until they lay, spent, in one another’s arms. Estela surrounded Taylor like a blanket; a protective shield. She’d gotten… better. No longer did Estela hold her wife in a vice-grip through the night, fearful that she’d be somehow ripped away. But the touch, close and persistent… she couldn’t settle without it. Someday, they both hoped, the sense of security in their new lives together would be enough. In the meantime, Taylor could sleep safe and utterly loved, her Estela keeping her close.

“Mmm… you ready to call it a night?” Taylor murmured.

Estela closed her eyes and nuzzled against her wife’s neck. “Mmhmm.”

“Ha. Sweet dreams, babe. And Merry Christmas.”

“You too, querida… night-night.”

 _______________________

Christmas morning was slow and easy, with all three sets of couples content to take their time in rising. Between warm beds and tender arms… and no real reason to rush, it was inevitable that the share house would remain quiet long into the morning.

When everyone did rise, the atmosphere was incredibly relaxed; the quiet enjoyment of the company of close family refreshing. It would be soon enough that the share house would be once again bursting at the seams and pulsing with the sounds of another rowdy Catalyst gathering; saving up energy for what was to come was wise… and the pace suited everyone present. Rugged up in festive pyjamas and lounging before a roaring fire, the small family passed the hours with board games-- purposely bypassing the tantrum-inducing likes of Monopoly-- and giggling through ever more extravagantly acted out rounds of charades. It was all new to Varyyn, and he soaked it all up like a sponge, throwing himself into everything to the point where he was nearly matching Aleister for dramatic flair. Estela’s ability to act out absolutely anything with a perfect deadpan had the whole group in stitches.

This, Taylor was certain, was what her holidays were going to be all about. Her and her band of misfits had everything they needed in one another.

Taylor, dressed after having enjoyed a brunch so late it might as well have been lunch-- and not an early one at that--, found Grace on the front porch, sitting with a steaming mug of cocoa and just taking in the distant sounds of children at play a few doors down. On the snow-covered front lawn, Furball was gamboling around merrily. If Varyyn was going to be joining them for Christmas, it had only been fair to make it an open invitation, and the little magic fox had been too excited to see old friends to not be brought along. Taylor was now grateful that Grace had the company, even as she took a quiet moment.

“Are you okay out here? Al said you gave your mom a call earlier. I figured that might have been… stressful.”

A warm smile jumped to Grace’s face at the arrival of her friend-- her sister. The care there had the effect of lessening those stresses, fading them into the distance, where they no longer truly mattered.

“Hey, Taylor,” she said. “Yes, I got that call out the way; I didn’t want the worry to be hanging over me all day. We kept it short. It’s gotten more difficult to find an understanding, you know?” She gave a little sigh, and shook her head. “To Mom, it looks as if I’ve given up, stopped trying. But the only thing I’ve given up is chasing the approval I’ll never earn. All I can do is hope that someday, she’ll look and see the real me; and love that person.”

Taylor put an arm around Grace. “You know, I really think that will happen. Someday. It’s got to take a bit of adjustment for her….”

“And she’s not exactly used to being the one jumping through hoops,” Grace chuckled. “Even jumping through hoops that should take minimal effort. In the meantime, I’m happy. Really, truly happy. We never had Christmases like this-- she never had the time. This is nice. It feels like a real family Christmas… spending all morning in our pyjamas, siblings squabbling over something stupid….”

Taylor laughed. It was all good-natured, if occasionally little bit heated. Estela and Aleister were well-practiced at butting heads by this point, and Taylor had strong suspicions that Estela liked getting a rise out of him just to tease. She absolutely exasperated him. And they loved each other.

“Yeah,” she said, “maybe this is what our Christmases are gonna be. Our little family, glued together from all these broken pieces and somehow fitting just right. It’s weird; just about everyone has been shaped some way by their childhood memories of these holidays… I don’t have any of that nostalgia, or old sore spots… just this, now. I guess these days are what I’m going to end up all sentimental about.”

“I know it sounds strange, but… me too, Taylor,” Grace agreed, smiling as her husband’s voice floated out from the house, seeking her out. She couldn’t say when the last time was that someone had truly wanted her company at Christmas was, but those days were a thing of the past. “And right now, I think I want to be back in there, soaking it all up. Come on.”

 “Should we put a movie on while we’re waiting for everyone?”

“Tay, you know my response to that. Maybe Home Alone or something. Should go down better than Muppet Christmas Carol did the other day….”

“Good god,” Aleister scoffed, “that was a mistake. Poor Charles Dickens, rest his soul, his timeless tale could not have been more lost on--”

Estela strode into the room, as if on cue. “The fucker, Scrooge knowingly killed so many people-- including that future version of Tiny Tim, which we can safely assume because it was the bastard’s ‘change of heart’ bullcrap that saved him.”

“Well, Tim wouldn’t have lived if Kermit-- I mean, Bob Cratchit-- hadn’t embraced the changed man before him. The point is redemption. ”

“Yes, he would. Scrooge was so desperate not to die himself that he’d keep the whole damn town fed and housed. Doesn’t mean you’d invite the cockroach in and share dinner with him. Those people were idiots!”

“You might even say they were… muppets,” Diego piped up, a glint in his eye.

Aleister groaned heavily, so utterly done, while Taylor snorted with laughter.

“Home Alone it is, then,” he muttered.

The main event, the full Catalyst family gathering, would be taking place later in the evening. Even with families at home to re-connect with over Christmas, the pull to be together was present in each and every one of them. No one else-- no one at all-- could ever truly understand. The sense of belonging, of security found in those who’d weathered the same storms, created a need that was deep and profound. Stepping away would be gradual, and for this first Christmas home, that the twelve would not remain parted. Raj only had a short flight from his grandmother in New York, so he was first to arrive back home. Both the duos-- Craig-and-Zahra and Michelle-and-Quinn-- had longer flights between home and the families they’d shared most of the holiday with, but arrived in at Northbridge airport at near the same time, so Sean had pre-arranged to play taxi after a Christmas dinner with his mother and brother. Jake would be the straggler. Louisiana was rather more of a trek, and after all those years in forced isolation from his family, he would not be rushing for anyone.

 The backyard had been transformed into a nighttime winter wonderland, a snowy playground adorned with lights that changed colour to the beat of Christmas songs piped out into the winter air. A snowball fight stretched across the hours, and carols were easily drowned out by the accompanying shrieks and shouts of laughter.

When Taylor crashed down into the snow beside her wife, she was soaked and shivering from taking hit after hit, and still grinning from ear to ear.

“Well, you put up a valiant fight,” Estela laughed. “Especially because Sean is, you know, pretty much a professional at throwing stuff. If you like, I’ll get back out there and avenge your honour… for a price.”

“A kiss?”

“Well, that would be hard to resist.”

Estela leaned forward, catching the warmth of Taylor’s breath on her lips as she moved in for a tender kiss. When Taylor came away with a happy sigh, they pressed their foreheads together.

They settled down, side by side, looking out over their friends as they laughed and played. The energy was different. Emotions were running high, everything felt on a new level, one that no one beyond this found family could ever understand. No one else knew just how much was being celebrated that Christmas… no one else knew all that had once been lost.

For Taylor, it was validation for the leap of faith she and Estela had taken together, the one that very nearly had cost their future together.

“Michelle was just telling me,” she said, “her mom flew out to Colorado to have Christmas with Quinn’s parents. Quinn’s parents like… together, in the same room, actually getting along. And it was three years, Meech said, since she’s seen her mom at Christmas. She just looked so happy.”

She snuggled close, tucking her arm through Estela’s, and nuzzling against her cold cheek. On a night like this, she couldn’t have any regrets. On a night like this, she could rest her so often troubled mind and know, they’d made it. She whispered kisses through Estela’s hair, against her ear, red with cold, her rosy cheek, the edge of her knowing smile.

“It’s going to be okay now, Estela. My starlight,” she said softly.

“I know. It’s like something you can physically feel. Like everyone’s just floating on a cloud. That kind of pure relief.” Estela hadn’t even felt that when the war ended, when the son-of-a-bitch Salazar took his own life and in doing so set his country free. She’d had her own wars still to fight, both against Rourke and within her very soul. When Taylor had awoken after her sacrifice to save the world, the fear in her had lingered on. Time was Estela’s healer; time allowed her to trust that life could be kind to her, that she was not inevitably hurtling towards darkness and despair and loss. Sometimes, things just got better.

She found Taylor’s fingers, surely as painfully cold in the night air as her own, and squeezed.

Diego came running up to them. “Hey! I’m just about to head to the airport with Varyyn. I should be an hour, tops.”

Taylor’s face registered surprise. How late was it? “Shit, Top Gun’s landing soon!”

“Ha, yeah… that’s my point. Doesn’t time fly when you’re having fun?”

“We could come with if you like.”

“Thanks, Tay, but I actually wanted to take the time alone with Varyyn. Make the most of what we have-- and it’s dark out, and hardly any traffic; it’ll be nice for him to get out and see the town without too much risk.”

Taylor nodded, understanding. “Okay. But you drive safe, you hear? If you end up dead in a ditch because you can’t keep from kissing him for five minutes, I swear I---”

Diego cut her off with a hug. “And you, don’t drink too much. You are the world’s biggest lightweight.”

Estela sniggered. Taylor’s ability to stand up to the effects of alcohol had been one of the hits she’d taken as a side-effect of her giving back Vaanu’s essence. “I’ll say. Now the driving’s taken care of, I’m pretty sure I’ll be needing to hold her upright within fifteen.”

“Oh, you two are hilarious. Fine. I’ll be good if you will. Now get out of here and bring our pilot home-- Craig is desperate to get Secret Santa started!”

 Secret Santa was the big event. The one everyone had been waiting for. It had taken Taylor a good deal of scheming and bribing and trading, but she’d managed to secure for Estela the ideal Secret Santa recipient for the brilliant couples gift that she had in mind. For hours upon hours they’d toiled together on their secret project, with Taylor enthusiastically teaching Estela to knit for the purpose. It was only a couple of nights ago that they’d finally finished off their respective masterpieces.

Taylor was practically skipping when she presented her gift to a distinctly nervous-looking Zahra.

“Why do I have a bad feeling about this?”

“Open it, Z!” Craig exclaimed.

Estela hurried over, her own worryingly lumpy parcel in hand. “Hey, Craig! You should open yours too. It’s kind of a set.”

“Why do I have a very bad feeling about this?”

An eager crowd formed, jostling to see what it was Zahra was fussing about.

She pulled open the wrapping, determined to witness whatever disaster awaited her before Craig opened his… and found in her hands a very large bright red Christmas sweater, ‘Player One’ emblazoned in big woollen letters on the front, and ‘P1’ on the back.

“Um, Taylor… you remember when you almost killed yourself restoring the world, right?”

“Kinda sticks in the memory, so… yeah.”

“ I stayed up all night, with Estela in the worst possible mood-- have you met bad-mood-Estela?-- making sure you didn’t drop dead; three long, soul-destroying nights in a row… and this is the thanks I get?”

“Bro! I love it!” Craig hollered, holding up his ‘Player Two’ sweater. “Best freaking present ever-- when I die, Imma get buried in this thing!”

“So, uh… mixed reviews?”

“If you think I’m gonna wear this---”

“Put it on! Put it on! Put it on!”

Zahra glared at Taylor, then Estela, while Craig’s chants were taken up by the whole group. For fuck’s sake. I knew friends were a mistake. I should have stayed dead in that goddam temple.

“Put it on! Put it on!”

Jake barked a laugh, offering Taylor a gift of his own. “Nice one, Princess! You’ve set the bar high-- as if there was ever any doubt-- but I’m pretty sure you’ll like this.”

She opened her heavy present to find a gently-used old sewing machine. Her eyes lit up. It had been a passing, passing mention that with so much knitting under her belt that she’d wanted to give sewing a try as well, but apparently it hadn’t gone unheard.

“Oh my god!”

“Ma hadn’t used it for ages, and when I told her I was after something for you, she wanted you to have it. Consider it a thanks from both of us for all you did while we were dealing with the courts.”

Taylor found her eyes stinging. She didn’t need thanks, he was good as a brother to her. “Wow, Top Gun. This is…. surprisingly--”

“...surprisin’ly thoughtful?”

“That’s it. Surprisingly thoughtful,” she laughed. When she looked up and caught Jake’s eye, though, she knew he got it. There was nothing surprising about it, after all they’d been through together, she’d never expect anything less than thoughtful-- but she’d be damned if she let the old joke die.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the present-exchanging horde, Sean handed to Estela a small, soft parcel. “Happy Christmas! I hope you like it.”

“Thank you, Sean, I really appreciate it. I’d say you didn’t have to but… Secret Santa… I guess you’re probably expected to actually get your person something.” No doubt she was flushed red, awkward as ever, but accepting gifts was another thing she was slowly getting better at. She unwrapped her gift carefully, saving the paper and appreciating the care that had gone into the neat wrapping and embellishments.

Sean chuckled, not unkindly. “That is the general gist. But it’s my pleasure, really.”

Estela unfolded a lightweight muted green and grey Hartfeld University sweatshirt. She couldn’t help the smile that lit up her whole face. “I guess this means I’ve got to stick around?”

“You’d better.” Sean grinned as Estela put her arms around him, laughing. Damn, they’d come a long way. “I know you never intended coming here to be anything other than a means to get closer to your goal, but really, that’s why everyone comes here. If anyone’s a Knight, you are.”

“Thanks. Really… I love it.”

“KNIGHTS!” Craig boomed.

“Uh, yeah,” Estela said. “That.”

 With gifts and hugs exchanged all over the place, everyone began to wind down. For most of the gang, the day had been an exhausting one, crammed with emotional family get-togethers and flights across the country. As mattresses and sofa pillows hit the lounge room floor, there was a shared relief, and tired Catalysts began dropping like flies.

Huddled in a couple of beanbags, Taylor nestled into Estela’s chest and the soft fabric of her new sweater, wrapping her arms around her and sighing with contentment.

“Happy Christmas, lover….”

“Mmm…,” came Estela’s sleepy reply. “Happy Christmas, mi alma…. Love you.”

“Love you too. Always.”

Within moments, Estela was slumbering peacefully, her little snores making Taylor’s heart near burst with affection.

Through half-lidded eyes, Taylor looked upon her family around her, yawning or already dead to the world after one insanely hectic holiday. It wouldn’t always be this way. It couldn’t be. Over the years, they would drift their separate ways, cherish the time spent with loved ones elsewhere as old traditions and new played out. But Taylor was certain that they’d never truly grow apart. Some things were just far stronger than the tests of time.

From across the room, Varyyn exchanged a knowing look with Taylor, smiling wistfully as he continued to gently stroke his fingers through a sleeping Diego’s hair.

“G’night,” she mouthed, then let go of an exhale of contentment.

It didn’t matter how long this lasted; what was important would remain. As long as she had Estela in her arms, and her family loving her from however far they had to be, she’d always be home for Christmas.

[terreisa]

The Perfect Gift

Emma Swan has gotten away with trading out her pick for Secret Santa for three years. When she’s finally forced to keep the first name she pulls from the Santa hat it happens to be Killian Jones, the one person in the office that irritates her to no end.  She makes it her mission to find him a perfect gift and ends up discovering there’s more to the office Casanova than she’d ever suspected.

AO3

~*~CS~*~

“You’ve gotta be shitting me.  Let me pick again!”

Emma Swan groaned as her friend and co-worker Mary Margaret twisted at the waist so the Santa hat in her hands was well out of her reach.

“No.  I’ve let you, and only you by the way, re-pick for the past three years,” Mary Margaret said pointedly, raising her brow at her. “It’s not fair to the others who actually follow the rules of Secret Santa.”

“Rules you came up with,” Emma grumbled, scowling down at the name on the slip of paper in her hands.

“It can’t be that bad-” Mary Margaret sighed, “Zelena was transferred and Walsh was fired so there’s really no one truly terrible participating this year.”

“I think I’d prefer them over the one I did get.  Forget the fact that I can’t stand him, I don’t know what the hell to get him!”

“Who-” Mary Margaret began before her eyes widened and a pleased smile unfurled on her face, “You know exactly what he wants and it won’t even cost you twenty-five dollars.”

“Mary Margaret!” Emma hissed, embarrassed and shocked that her normally prim and proper friend went straight for an innuendo. “Gross.”

“Oh, come on, it’s no secret that Killian has had a crush on you from the moment he stepped foot in this office.”

Emma rolled her eyes at the familiar and franky ridiculous refrain.  Killian Jones was a well known film critic from England that had been hired two years before in an effort by the higher ups to expand their newspaper’s readership.  When he had walked in on his first day, with artfully tousled inky black hair, ocean blue eyes glittering with excitement, and tailored clothes that showed off a trim and toned physique, nearly every single woman in the office had attempted to help him set up his desk.  Emma, on the other hand, had appreciated the new eye candy and then returned her attention to the article she had been working on at the time.

She figured that it was her indifference that had Killian asking her later that day if she’d wanted to get coffee with him.  Of course, after watching him flirt and banter with all the helpful women in the office all morning she’d given him a withering look and a resounding no.  She’d been burned badly before by interoffice dating and she wasn’t looking for a repeat performance, let alone dealing with a no shame lothario.  He had merely given her a puzzled smile and wished her a good day before retreating to his desk. What followed was a year of watching him pull the same tricks with every available woman in the building while still brushing him off every few weeks.  As glad as she was that she hadn’t fallen for any of his pretenses there was an annoying stab of something in her gut whenever he walked someone new out the door with his hand low on their back.

Things had only taken a turn for the worse when Emma had been promoted to a full time writing position in the entertainment section.  While she’d been vying for a byline in that section for years she almost turned it down knowing she’d have to work almost daily near the man that had become the bane of her existence.  There had been an intervention from Mary Margaret, her husband David, and her roommate Belle to convince her to take the position. Even her own boss Tink, editor of the home and garden section, had had to sit her down and talk sense into her.  She’d emerged from her office an hour later, cheeks burning with the praise Tink had heaped on her and ears ringing with the passionate arguments she’d made in her favor. By the end of the week she’d moved her things to a desk across the office, one that was unfortunately situated next to Killian’s.

From the moment she’d unpacked her admittedly meager personal belongings Killian had seemed to take it upon himself to get on her last nerve.  He was constantly leaning over to ask her inane questions about her day or bore her with random bits of trivia he collected like a magpie with shiny things.  Though, she had to admit, it broke up the monotony of trying to think of a new way to write a review for a show that had jumped the shark three seasons before.  She also couldn’t find it in her to really complain about the perfectly made cup of coffee that was always annoyingly waiting for her when she was running late, which happened to be almost every day.  What really got on her nerves, however, was that his movie reviews were insightful, hilarious, respectful even when he hated the movie, and aligned with her own opinions so perfectly that she’d wondered more than once if he could read her mind.

Of course, everyone in the office saw all of that as tantamount to Killian having feelings for her.  Worst of all they saw her laughing at something he said, or drinking the coffee he made, hell even talking civilly with him as her returning those non-existent feelings. When it was really that she just found it easier to go along with his ridiculousness than to wear herself out actively loathing him.  She truly couldn’t stand him but no one else seemed to believe her.

“It’s not a crush,” she refuted though there was no heat behind it because she knew Mary Margaret wouldn’t believe her.

“Sure, uh-huh,” Mary Margaret singsonged with a grin.  She walked backwards away from her, still grinning, “Twenty-five dollars and we’re doing the exchange at the holiday party.  Good luck!”

Emma stuck her tongue out at Mary Margaret as she pivoted on her heel and made her way to the advice column's and editorial’s small cluster of desks.  She sighed, slightly glad she’d been cornered in the breakroom instead of at her desk where Killian would have definitely overheard something she didn’t need him to.  Then again she wouldn’t have had to once again brush of Mary Margaret’s ridiculous ideas of crushes and might have even stood a chance at getting to repick a name. With a groan of frustration she grabbed her now lukewarm mug of coffee and a random loose granola bar and headed back to her own desk, already mulling over and rejecting ideas for what to get Killian.

Twenty minutes and a thorough search of Killian’s almost too neat desk later and she was still at a loss.  She was fiddling with a paperclip to open the locked bottom drawer but knew she had already pushed her luck, time wise.  Killian and Robin, the editor of the sports section, always went out for lunch on Wednesdays and were always back in the office by ten till one.  Glancing at her watch she saw she had less than five minutes to jimmy the lock, dig through the drawer’s contents, get everything back in order, and be sitting innocently back at her desk.  Gritting her teeth in frustration she stood, tossing the half straightened paperclip onto her desk as she looked over the personal effects on his desk once more.

There were a couple framed photos: one was of him and another dark haired, blue eyed man, brother she figured from the resemblance; another was of a woman in soft focus with dark auburn hair that was curled to eighties perfection, his mother probably though Emma could only guess why he chose that photo to put up; the third and final frame wasn’t a photo but his review for the movie The Village, clipped from a newspaper and yellowed with age.  Aside from the frames there were only a few knick knacks: a small replica ship’s compass, a Rubick’s cube she’d seen him fiddle with when he was on the phone or stuck on wording for an article, and a potted plant she didn’t know the name of that he had somehow kept alive in their nearly windowless office. The only thing that seemed to give her any real insight was a thick, well worn paperback. She didn’t recognize the author’s name but the title rang a bell and having no other leads she resigned herself to jotting both down on a Post-It as a starting point.

“Interested in the works of Edwin Stephens?”

Emma jumped at the sound of Killian’s voice next to her.  She breathed a sigh of relief that she’d sat at her own desk to write the name down before realizing she had to come up with a reason for doing it.

“Uh, looking for present ideas-” she winced at her own stupidity, rushing on hoping he wouldn’t catch on to her, “For David.  Mary Margaret’s husband? He’s a big reader. Of everything. Hard to get him something he hasn’t read yet, you know? Thought I’d check if he had any of this Stephens guy’s books the next time I go over for dinner.”

Killian chuckled, settling into his chair, “He might, Stephens isn’t particularly popular but now that his work is finally getting the quality adaptations it deserves more people are starting to read his books.”

“So he’s your favorite author then?” She teased, delighting in the tips of his ears going pink.

“Since I was twelve and a neighbor let me borrow Absolute Bearing.  I was a bit young to be reading it but I loved it. Didn’t actually give it back to the neighbor, now that I think about it,” he hummed thoughtfully before shrugging and picking up the book on his desk. “If Mary Margaret’s husband doesn’t have Siege Perilous then it’s the one to get.  It’s considered to be one of Stephens’ best, and not only by me I’ll have you know. It’s also going to be a limited series on HBO next fall.”

“Really?  ‘Cause it kinda looks like you don’t like it at all,” she deadpanned, eyeing the well bent spine and slight discoloration of the pages.

He rolled his eyes at her, “Ha, bloody, ha, Swan.  I’ll have you know this is the third copy I’ve had to buy since I keep rereading it until it falls apart in my hands.”

Surprised by his utter sincerity she burst into laughter.  He grinned widely at her, absently thumbing at the pages of the book.  As her chuckles subsided she realized that she’d never actually initiated a conversation with Killian, let alone one where she joked around with him.  Suddenly feeling awkward she dropped her gaze to the note she’d written herself and tried to ignore the way she saw his shoulders slump out of the corner of her eye.

“Siege Perilous,” she muttered, carefully adding the title to her note just so she’d have something to do.  She peeled off the Post-It and stuck it to her monitor, “Got it.”

“He should enjoy it-” she looked at him, confused for a moment until he clarified, “David.  Don’t let the nautical themes put you off.”

“Right, thanks.”

She gave him a fleeting smile before turning back to her desk and made a show of throwing herself into her work.  Nevermind that she’d already finished her assignment for the week. Cursing to herself she opened a new document and began typing nonsense until the feeling of him watching her subsided.  She was highly annoyed when at the end of the day that all she’d accomplished was a page full of ridiculous phrases and the tiniest sliver of insight into the man she had to buy a gift for.

A week later she was no closer to narrowing down from over a dozen options.  She knew she was way overthinking it and that if she asked Mary Margaret or Robin she’d have a gift purchased by the end of the day.  Yet, somehow, she felt like that was cheating. It had become a challenge almost, the urge to crack the code to get her sworn enemy the perfect gift.  Though, since their conversation about Edwin Stephens she’d let her guard down and had a few more surprising talks with Killian about the things they liked to do on their downtime.  Which is how Emma found herself arguing with him over the best place to get pizza.

“Are you kidding?  Their crust is garbage!  The only good thing about that place is the sauce.”

“The sauce makes the pie, love,” he said vehemently. “Just because you prefer a paper thin crust doesn’t mean that every other option should automatically be disqualified in your book.”

She rolled her eyes, “Fine, I’ll give you that, I guess, but they don’t even deliver.  Not even Postmates! How are they still in business when they’re missing out on all those potential customers?”

“Ah, so the truth emerges!” Killian said smugly as he leaned forward and narrowed his eyes at her, “You probably don’t venture to eat anywhere that doesn’t have the option of showing up at your front door.  Think of all the delicacies you’re missing out on, Swan!”

“I eat at places that don’t deliver.  There’s a great Dominican place that’s a whole twenty minutes away from my apartment and I go there at least three times a month,” she shot back before realizing she’d revealed a part of her life she hadn’t meant to.  She scrambled to keep him from thinking too deeply over it, “Besides you can’t say that Angelo’s is the best when you haven’t even tried Pizza on Fourth.”

“With such an uninspired name how can their fare be any good?” He scoffed.  Then he hesitated, looking at her consideringly, “How about we put it to a test?”

“Meaning?” She asked warily.

“Do you have plans for lunch or vehement standards about eating the same thing twice in a day?” He asked, matching her wariness.

She blinked at him, “You want to see whose pizza place is better?”

“It’s the only way to know for sure,” he answered seriously, though she could see the corner of his mouth twitching into a smile.

“For scientific purposes or bragging rights?”

“Bragging rights, of course,” he said with a wink.

Ignoring the small flutter in her stomach she pretended to mull it over, “Will there be a medal?  A trophy perhaps?”

“How about a free lunch?”

“Deal!”

He chuckled, “Since Angelo’s is closer shall we get Pizza on Fourth delivered for lunch, then we can walk over to Angelo’s after work?”

“Sounds good to me,” she said happily, already opening the app to order. “Should we go with the classic pepperoni at both to keep it fair?”

“I like the way you think, love, and add on a round of garlic knots to really spice up the competition.  Just let me know when you need my card.”

“Uh-huh,” she murmured, busy tapping away at the ordering options.

Later that night, with a lot of hedging and dragging her feet she admitted that Angelo’s was the better pizza.  What she couldn’t seem to admit, even to herself, was that she’d had fun hanging out with Killian outside of work.  She also toyed with and then dismissed the idea of getting him a giftcard to Pizza on Fourth just for the petty satisfaction.

Four days before Christmas and two before the company party Emma found herself wearily scrolling through article after article on Buzzfeed for any kind of inspiration for a gift.  She felt as though she’d had a hundred ideas but none of them felt right. It didn’t help that every time her and Killian hung out that a dozen new options for a gift presented themselves.

“I don’t think he’d want a Tub Shroom, no matter how many people have given it five stars on Amazon.”

Emma groaned at the sound of Mary Margaret’s voice, dropping her forehead to her desk.  She felt a gentle commiserating pat on her shoulder and rolled her head to look up at her.

“He’s impossible to shop for,” she whined. “Is it too late to switch with someone?”

“He is not and yes it is,” Mary Margaret tsked. “Unlike you everyone else doesn’t wait until the last minute to buy something.”

“It’s not the last minute.  I still have two days,” she grumbled, pushing herself up only to slump down in her chair.

Mary Margaret frowned, “Which is not enough time for Amazon to send something.  You’re making this harder than it has to be, especially if you hate the guy.”

“I don’t hate him,” she mumbled, barely above a whisper.

“What?”

“I said-” she sighed and prepared herself for a torrent of ‘I told you so’s’ and squeals, “I don’t hate him.  He’s actually a good guy.”

Mary Margaret smiled widely but surprised Emma by remaining calm, “Then it should be even easier to find something.  Right?”

“That’s just it!” She huffed, throwing her hands up in frustration. “There’s too many options now that I’ve actually gotten to know him.  I should just buy him the best bottle of rum twenty-five bucks can buy and be done with it.”

“Then why don’t you do that?” Mary Margaret asked puzzled, though her smile was still too wide for Emma’s liking.

“It’s so…” she cast about for the right word and nearly let out a frustrated growl when none came to her. “Generic, boring, thoughtless?  I don’t know but I can do better.”

Mary Margaret laughed, “It’s not a competition.  He’ll appreciate whatever you get him. Probably even more so now that you’re friends.”

Emma opened her mouth to refute the claim but found that she couldn’t.  Since their impromptu pizza competition they’d gone to several more restaurants under the guise of deciding who had the better taste.  Even more than that they’d also gone out for after work drinks a few times, talking about nothing and everything, and once she’d gone with him to a critics screening of a movie she’d been looking forward to seeing for months.  That he’d been just as excited to see it and they’d spent hours dissecting it afterward at a twenty-four hour diner down the street from the theater only drove home the fact that he was, for lack of a better term, her friend. She tried to push down the sudden feeling of disappointment she felt at that.

“Ooo, Siege Perilous?  Isn’t that the set you get to visit next month?”

Mary Margaret’s voice dragged her back to the discussion at hand.  She nodded absently, “Yeah, they start filming after the holidays and it’s the only time they’re allowing reporters on set.”

“Lucky, David wouldn’t let me read anything else until I gave it a chance.  I was annoyed at first but it’s really good. You should read it too, get ready for that set visit.”

“I should,” she said slowly, staring thoughtfully at the Post-It she hadn’t thought about since she’d stuck it to her monitor.  An idea started to form in her mind and with it a realization. She looked up at Mary Margaret, “It’s totally a crush isn’t it?”

Mary Margaret’s smile somehow grew wider, “For him?  Or for you?”

Emma surprised them both by smiling herself, “Is it okay if I skip out on our lunch?  I’ll make it up to you.”

“Totally fine,” Mary Margaret said, waving her off. “I think I’ll go out to eat with Tink, she owes me.”

She barely paid attention as Mary Margaret left, already distracted by figuring out what she needed to do and how little time she had to do it.

Two days later, when Emma arrived at the restaurant that was hosting their company party it was already in full swing.  She snuck Killian’s present onto the table that held the other gifts before weaving through her coworkers to get to the bar.  When she got there she was pleased to see Killian already there, chatting with the bartender.

“Gonna buy me a drink, Jones?” she asked as she sidled up next to him and grinned.

“It’s an open bar, Swan, so I’d be delighted to,” he said with a grin of his own.  Then his eyes widened and she watched his adam’s apple bob as he swallowed, “You look-”

“I know,” she said demurely, pleased that her blush pink dress had made the impression she was going for.  She turned to the bartender and ordered a glass of wine, conscious of his gaze lingering on her. When she was handed her glass she turned back to see him still staring at her, “I know I probably already asked this but you’re not flying home for Christmas?”

“Uh, no-” he blinked, shaking his head slightly.  It seemed to clear his thoughts and he gave her a shrug, “Never had a place there to truly call home if I’m honest.  I tend to fly wherever my brother Liam is stationed at the time but seeing as he’s doing the whole first holiday with his girlfriend and her parents I figured I’d stick it out here this year.  It’ll just be me and a yet undecided Netflix marathon to celebrate. What about you, off to visit your own family tomorrow?”

“Oh, I, uh,” she stuttered, caught off guard by the suspicion that his past seemed to mirror hers.  She took a sip of wine to fortify herself, “I don’t have a, uh, family. I usually sleep in and then watch Die Hard before going to Mary Margaret’s house for the day.  Nothing too exciting.”

She took another sip of wine to cover what was sure to be an awkward moment between them.  Killian was watching her with a look she couldn’t understand, not saying a word. Finally after a few seconds that felt like lifetimes she glared back.

“What?”

“Sorry, love,” he said sheepishly, a blush blooming in his cheeks. “It’s just… sometimes you’re quite the open book but then you’ll do or say something that surprises me.  I never would have guessed- well, I knew there was something but I didn’t want to pry and it didn’t occur to me-”

“Killian-” she interrupted, grabbing his arm to stop his rambling. “It’s okay, you can say ‘orphan’.  It’s not like you’re breaking a story I don’t already know.”

He let out a tense laugh, nervously scratching behind his ear, “Perhaps I didn’t want to say it because I loathe the moniker myself.  Schoolyard taunts will do that to a lad.”

Her breath caught in her throat.  She had gone through most of her life not having much in common with people because of how she had grown up without parents or even a stable home.  It was almost ironic that she had been so determined to dislike Killian when he had more in common with her than she ever could have expected. A hiccuping laugh escaped her as she realized just how much she had grown to like him over the weeks since she’d drawn his name from Mary Margaret’s Santa hat.

“I propose a toast,” she said with a wide grin, lifting her glass, “To a couple of orphans not letting a little thing like that get us down.”

Killian gave her a soft smile, raising his glass to hers and tapping them together lightly, “To a couple of orphans.”

They drank, though neither of them took their eyes off of each other.  Emma felt the warmth from the wine spreading down to her toes, though she could have also blamed the look in Killian’s eyes with having something to do with it.  Just as she was about to comment on it and possibly ruining whatever it was that was growing between them the music that had been playing in the background cut out and Mary Margaret was calling for their attention.

“Merry Christmas everybody!” She chirped merrily.  David was at her side with two wrapped presents in his hands, “It’s time to hand out the Secret Santa gifts so when you hear your name come on up!”

Emma felt a thrill of anticipation zip across her stomach.  She turned towards Killian with what she hoped was a calm demeanor only to find that he was still looking at her with a gentle smile, not even paying attention to the names Mary Margaret was calling out.

“Not looking forward to your gift?” She prodded, worried that he’d already figured out that she was his Secret Santa.

“Oh, I’ve never signed up,” he said, giving a fleeting glance towards Mary Margaret before looking back at her. “The past couple years I was flying to England and missing this lovely party.  By the time I had my plans settled for this year it was far too late to sign up.”

“Emma Swan.”

Emma stared at him uncomprehendingly.  She knew she had pulled his name, for one it wasn’t like anyone else in their office had the name Killian even though Jones was pretty common and for another she’d stared at the slip of paper for at least an hour when she’d gotten home the night she’d drawn it, willing it to be any name other than his.  The only logical explanation was that he’d signed up and forgotten.

“Emma Swan?”

Killian’s gaze darted away and then back to her, “Er, Swan?”

“You forgot,” she blurted out. “You signed up and forgot.  Right?”

“No,” he said slowly. “You know how tenacious Mary Margaret is about making sure everyone remembers their gift.  I’ve never done it and still know what a terror she can be.”

With a dawning horror she realized exactly how much of a terror Mary Margaret could be.

“Has anyone seen Emma?”

Killian tilted his head towards the front of the room, “I believe you’ve been summoned for your own gift, love.”

“Yep,” she ground out, narrowing her gaze at Mary Margaret who was scanning the crowd for her.  With extreme care she set down her wine glass, afraid she would shatter it in her anger, “Just going to go get my gift now.”

Wasting no time she stormed to the front of the room, pushing past everyone and ignoring their grumbles in her wake.  Mary Margaret beamed when she caught sight of her but it quickly turned sheepish as Emma got closer. By the time Emma made it to her she was already whispering a rushed explanation.

“-sorry but you would barely give him the time of day and he’s really a great guy.  I figured if you had to get him a gift you’d get to know him and see that he’s not actually terrible.  And it worked! You’re friends now.”

Emma felt her anger leave her in a rush at Mary Margaret’s sincerity and the ridiculous lengths she’d gone to.  It helped that she was right, even though Emma would never admit it to her.

“What if I had just bought him a Starbucks gift card and been done with it?” She asked with feigned annoyance, wanting to know just how invested Mary Margaret was in her scheme.

Mary Magaret scoffed, “I knew you wouldn’t do that.  You complained about him too much to get him something that boring.  I knew you’d use your gift as a way to prove something.”

She gaped at her, surprised by the confidence she’d had in her plan.  Then a thought occurred to her, “You wouldn’t let me repick because every name in that hat was his wasn’t it?”

“Yep,” Mary Margaret grinned. “And don’t worry about someone else getting left out.  I kept your name out of the main draw to keep things even.”

“Then how do I have a present?” She asked, bewildered.

“Santa works in mysterious ways,” Mary Margaret said cryptically, still grinning like a fool.  She plucked a green bag, its handles tied together with a length of red ribbon, from the table, “Here you go.”

Emma took it in one hand and held out the other, “Can I at least give Killian his gift myself?  I don’t want him making a big deal about how he didn’t sign up and embarrassing us both.”

“Can’t-” Mary Margaret frowned dramatically, though her eyes were alight with mischief, “I sent David to give it to him when I first called your name.”

Sure enough, when Emma looked back at Killian he was trying to keep David from handing him the present Emma had brought.  Giving Mary Margaret a withering look she hightailed it back to the bar before anyone else’s attention was grabbed by the escalating argument between the two men.  She arrived as David pushed the wrapped box into Killian’s hands.

“Just take the present, man.  It’s got your name on it so it has to be yours.”

“And I’m telling you there’s a mistake, mate,” Killian bit out, refusing to hold onto the box. “I didn’t participate in Secret Santa.”

“I got it David,” she broke in, grabbing the gift and stepping between them. “Tell Mary Margaret she still owes me answers.”

David looked at her apologetically, “I really tried to talk her out of it.”

“And yet you’re still her accomplice,” she pointed out.  David gave her the same sheepish grin his wife had and she shook her head at him, “You’re both getting coal for Christmas.”

“Bah humbug,” David said cheerfully before giving her a hug and disappearing in the crowd.

“So that charming gentleman is Mary Margaret’s husband?” Killian intoned bemused behind her.

“The one and only,” she said, thinking about how she could cheerfully strangle the couple with tinsel for all their scheming.  She placed both his and her presents on the bar and faced him, “They’ve been together since their freshman year of college and are really bad influences on each other.  I sometimes have to remind myself that David’s a cop when he gets caught up in one of Mary Margaret’s grand plans.”

Killian’s eyes went wide, “Oh?  And what was her grand plan tonight?”

“Well, it looks like you getting a present would be part of it,” she hedged, not ready for him to hear Mary Margaret’s true motivation.

“So it would seem,” he said thoughtfully, tracing the gift tag on his present with his finger.  Then he frowned and pushed her gift towards her, “You should do the honors first, love, since you were actually expecting a gift.”

“Yeah?” She asked, relieved that she could put off an explanation for a few more minutes and highly curious what Mary Margaret’s Santa comment meant.

Killian nodded and said softly, “Go ahead, Swan.”

The tag attached to the ribbon gave her no clues since it was a square of paper with her name printed on it and aside from the ribbon holding the bag closed there were no other adornments.  The ribbon was tied in a simple bow and with a gentle tug it came undone. When she pulled out her gift she couldn’t help but laugh at the copy of Siege Perilous in her hand.

“Mary Margaret was in a tither in the breakroom last week,” Killian murmured, keeping his gaze on the book when she looked up at him, “She was going on about how the person who had picked your name had quit unexpectedly and that she needed to find someone to replace them.  I volunteered, of course.”

“Of course?” She breathed.

He gave her a lopsided smile, “It’s no secret that I quite fancy you when you’re not yelling at me.”

She felt the warmth of a blush in her cheeks and dropped her gaze to the book, running her hand over the cover, “Why get me this, though?”

“You were so skittish when we first talked about it and when you kept the note on your monitor I realized you never intended it as a gift for David.  I overheard you telling Mary Margaret that you would be visiting the set of the new show but felt guilty about never having read the book.  It seemed to me that getting you the book was rather fitting on all accounts.”

Looking back up at him she felt a swooping in her stomach as her eyes met his.  He was still smiling at her but she could sense his nervousness at her reaction to his gift and his confession in the way he shifted his weight from foot to foot and scratched behind his ear.  It was his nervousness that gave her the courage she needed to lay her own feelings on the line.

“It’s your turn to open your present,” she stated, nudging the wrapped box with her new book.

He looked askance at it, “It has to be a mistake and I don’t want to open a gift intended for someone else.”

“It’s part of Mary Margaret’s plan, remember?  So you should open it,” she encouraged.

“Fine,” Killian sighed, picking up the wrapped box, “But I’d feel better about it if I knew what her plan was.  Though you seem to have it all figured out.”

Emma kept quiet wanting to explain everything once he’d opened his gift.  He waited for a moment, watching her, before shaking his head and focusing on picking at the tape holding the wrapping paper together.  She bit her tongue at his fastidiousness, glad that she hadn’t used more than a few pieces of tape for the whole thing. Finally he pulled the paper off, without a single tear, and opened the box only to go absolutely still as he stared down at the present inside.  Glancing up at her with a perplexed look he reached into the box and pulled out the hardback copy of Siege Perilous she’d luckily found at the small bookstore near their office.

“I know the one you have now probably has a few read throughs left before it completely falls apart but I figured you’d want a pristine copy for next month.”

“You bought me-” his gaze darted from hers to the book and back, his confusion easy to see, “Why would you- no, wait, what’s happening next month?”

“Mary Margaret thought that I wasn’t giving you a fair chance, which I wasn’t,” she started, ignoring his last question for the moment, knowing that she had to explain the whys first. “It was mostly me judging you off of my first impression of you and what I’d seen when you first got hired and not by actually taking the time to know you.”

“What was your impression of me, Swan?  It must have been not very favorable for you to not have warmed up to me until recently.”

"I, uh,-" she felt herself flush and she only grew warmer in her embarrassment when he noticed and leaned closer.  Rolling her eyes she huffed, "To be fair you flirt with everyone and there were a lot of women you left the office with when you first got hired."

"Were you… were you jealous, Swan?" He asked incredulously.

“No, not jealous.” she contested hotly. “I thought you were making the rounds and I’d been cheated on by my last boyfriend with our former editor.  I didn’t need to be a notch in someone else’s belt and I really didn’t want to be the focus of office drama again.”

Killian’s demeanor fell but she saw no pity in his gaze, “Oh, Swan, I didn’t know.”

“It is what it is,” she said with a shrug, “The gossip had finally stopped by the time you were hired and I wasn’t going to bring it all back up again with someone I thought was the same type of guy.  Though I know now I was completely wrong about that.”

“You truly didn't know, Emma?” He asked so softly she could barely hear him over the music that had started back up.

“Know what?”

He grabbed her hand, running his thumb over her knuckles as he held her gaze, soft and sincere, “You saw me chatting and going places with those women because I didn’t know a soul when I first moved here.  I never led them on or asked for anything more than camaraderie while I got settled because it’s only ever been you.

"I first saw you by chance, you walked by in the background in my last Skype interview and I was smitten.  Of course when I was hired and you rebuffed me while others were clamoring for my attention I was intrigued.  Then we became desk neighbors and I got to know you, one small piece at a time, and I fell. For you. And then with these past few weeks of going for meals and drinks, talking for hours with you I began to think, even hope, that perhaps you might be beginning to feel the same.”

As much as she’d had an idea that he liked her, as well as been told numerous times by multiple people, hearing him say it out loud was like hearing it for the first time.  In a way it was because there was a small part of her that couldn’t believe it wasn’t another conjecture of the office rumor mill. She felt her cheeks begin to ache and realized she had been grinning at him like a fool but had yet to address how she actually felt about him.

“I was really annoyed when I picked your name-” Killian winced and tried to take his hand from hers but she held fast, “and Mary Margaret wouldn’t let me switch and now I know it’s because she rigged it so it was only your name in the hat.  So I was stuck with having to get you a present and practically knowing nothing about you. When we talked about Stephens I realized that it was the first time we’d had a whole conversation. Then we just kept talking and you were nothing like I’d believed you were and I liked spending time with you.  Really liked spending time with you.

“The thing was I kept telling myself that I was only hanging out with you because I needed to figure out what gift to get you and it was impossible.  I wanted to get you a perfect gift, something that was thoughtful and that you’d really appreciate. When I complained to Mary Margaret about it I realized why I wanted my gift to be perfect.”

“And why was that, love?” He asked hopefully.

“Because I fell,” she said simply. “For You.”

Killian beamed at her before swooping down to capture her lips in a surprisingly gentle kiss.  She sighed into him, reveling in the warmth of him encompassing her as his arms wrapped around her.  All too soon for her liking he pulled back, resting his forehead on hers with his eyes closed.

“One more thing,” she whispered, playing with the soft hair at the back of his head.

His eyes opened and he leaned back, looking at her quizzically, “What’s that, love?”

She grinned at the pet name she’d practically ignored before, “How good of a photographer are you?”

“Fair enough to keep things in focus.  Why?”

“Because the other part of your gift is that you’re going to pretend to be one of our photographers so you can come to the Siege Perilous set visit with me.  Edwin Stephens will be there too and I thought you’d like to get an autogra-”

Emma squealed as Killian picked her up and twirled her around.  When he finally set her down she paid no mind to the stares that they’d surely attracted and pulled him into a kiss far more passionate than the one he’d given her.

Much later, after they’d allowed Mary Margaret a moment of smug elation and left the party to a couple of whistles courtesy of Tink and Robin they were laying in her bed, sweatpant clad legs entwined.  Killian was running his fingers through her hair as she laid curled against his chest, listening to the rumble of his voice as he read Siege Perilous to her. With a contented sigh she figured that maybe Mary Margaret didn't quite deserve that lump of coal she'd threatened her with.

[ceealaina]

Out in the Cold

Title: Out in the Cold Author: ceealaina Rating: T Square Filled: G3 [Snowman] - @winterironbingo​ Y2 [Butts, Biceps, and Barnes] - @buckybarnesbingo​ Pairing: WinterIron Summary: Avengers press events are one of the worst parts of the whole superhero gig. But getting paired with Barnes (the man he just happens to have an unrepentant crush on) for an afternoon of snowman building? Tony’s had worse days. Link: AO3

Tony drew in a deep breath, preparing himself as best he could before the elevator doors opened and he was met with the rest of the team, looking up at him with hopeful, expectant faces.

“Sorry guys,” he told them, watching their faces fall one by one. “It’s a no go. We’re roped into this one, no excuses.” 

“Aww, come on,” Clint protested, slumping back into the couch cushions and pouting as he folded his arms across his chest. “But I don’t wanna.” 

Nat smacked the back of his head. 

Steve was the first to rally, because of course he was. “Come on, team. This is important. Like it or not, public relations is an important part of what we do.”

It might have been more believable if he wasn’t wincing like the words caused him physical pain. Beside him, Bucky rolled his eyes so hard it looked physically painful. Tony felt his lips twitch as he fought back a laugh, but of course Bucky noticed, giving him a wink that made heat flare low in his belly. The crush he had on Barnes was really getting ridiculous. 

“But it’s a freaking snowman building contest,” Clint whined. “What is this, the Christmas fun fair? We’re superheroes!” 

As per usual, everyone ignored him, reluctantly accepting that they weren’t getting out of this particular PR event and breaking up to do whatever it was that superheroes did on a Tuesday afternoon. For Tony, that meant brewing a fresh pot of coffee. He was leaning over the counter, inhaling the smell (it had been a very long morning) when he suddenly realized that Bucky was beside him, leaning back against the counter and looking down at him. Tony managed to keep himself from jumping, instead slowly raising his eyes to meet Bucky’s and waiting. 

“So.” Bucky gave him a grin, nudging him with a shiny metal elbow. “Wanna be partners?” 

Tony arched an eyebrow at him, straightening up again. “Partners?” 

“For the snowman building thing. We’re supposed to pair up, right? I’m calling dibs.”

Tony fought back the pleased looking grin that threatened to split across his face. “Moi?” he said instead, fluttering his eyelashes ridiculously until Bucky snorted and gave him a gentle shove. “Kinda figured you’d be pairing up with our fearless leader there, Buckaroo.”

Bucky looked so incredulous that Tony found himself fighting back a laugh. “ Stevie ?” he asked. “Nuh-uh, no way. I know how ridiculous that idiot gets over ‘art.’”

“Snowman building is an art now?” 

“It will be to him. He’ll get all particular and bossy... Nope, Sam can have ‘im.” 

“Oh well, in that case.” Tony held out his hand, beaming when Bucky grabbed it and gave it a firm shake. “You’ve got yourself a deal, Snowflake. Let’s win this thing.” 

***

The day of the competition dawned bright and clear. It hadn’t snowed in three weeks, but they’d brought in a snow machine special for the occasion. It was being held on the compound, giving the public a chance to see first-hand the private lives of their favourite superheroes, or some other public relations nonsense that had them all cringing a little. Ticket holders would get a tour of the more public areas of the compound before watching the snowman building competition and then there would be hot chocolate, cookies, and mingling inside. All the ticket money was going to charity, which explained away the sky high prices -- and, unfortunately, also explained away the number of rich, society-climbers who were attending. 

Tony, however, with the help of Friday and some carefully crafted aliases, had managed to buy about half the tickets himself, giving them away to underprivileged kids from the city, with free transportation included. It made them all feel a bit better about how weirdly invasive the whole thing seemed. 

Spectators had started arriving hours before it was due to start, and by the time they all trooped outside for the actual competition, they were wound up and cheering. 

“Oh boy,” Tony muttered, quiet enough that only Bucky would hear as he put on his brightest press smile and waved with mitten-clad hands. “No pressure or anything.” 

Bucky grinned and, when they’d turned out of view of everyone, winked. “Come on, Stark. We’ve totally got this.”

Tony grinned up at him. “Fuck yeah.” 

***

One hundred and fourteen minutes later, he wasn’t so sure. They should have had it in the bag. Three entries down from them, Wanda and Vision were making a fucking ice sculpture, which, what the fuck? Whatever, they’d lose on a technicality -- it was a snowman competition, not an ice man competition, thank you very much. Nat and Peter had given up about ten minutes in, and Nat had spent the entire time showing Peter her favourite moves on the lopsided snow block that they’d created. Clint had ended up pairing with Bruce, who had bowed out at the last minute due to rage issues (they all knew he was faking it). Clint had built the most cursory snowman ever and then wandered off in search of a warm drink and hadn’t come back. 

The problem was that Tony kept getting distracted. Barnes’ pants seemed extra tight today, or maybe it was just the cut of his new ski jacket, but either way his ass looked phenomenal today. On more than one occasion, Tony had had to shake himself out of a temporary, butt-induced stupor. And, like most super soldiers, Bucky had a tendency to run hot. Hot enough that at some point he’d stripped out said ski jacket, leaving him in that tightly fitted red Henley that featured in many of Tony’s favourite fantasies, biceps bulging as he lifted heavy mounds of snow. 

Not that ogling Barnes’ butts and biceps (and thighs, and back, and face…) was a bad way to spend an afternoon necessarily. But while Tony had been distracted, Team WinterIron’s (Bucky’s idea, but Tony had to admit the name was growing on him) snowman had come out looking kind of… aggressive. He had a frown, with angry eyebrows, and Tony was pretty sure that Bucky was putting the finishing touches on a gun belt around the snowman’s waist. It looked especially bad next to the all-American Christmas scene that Sam and Steve had built beside them, complete with a bald eagle, because Sam thought he was hilarious. (He kind of was, but Bucky wouldn’t let Tony give Sam the satisfaction of knowing that.) 

Tony frowned at their entry speculatively, trying to figure out if there was anything else they could do in the six -- no, five minutes remaining. “It looks like it could kill someone,” Tony announced, poking at it haphazardly. 

Bucky shrugged, offering him a grin over the top of the snow-ssassin’s head. “That’s kinda what I like about ‘im.” 

“No!” Steve wailed behind them. “That line has to be at 45 degrees, Sam. Fourty. Five! Not fourty six!” 

Tony caught Bucky’s eye and the two of them burst out laughing. 

***

They lost, because of course they did, but it was hard to feel too bad about it. They’d had a great afternoon, laughing and throwing snow at each other, and Tony at least had all but forgotten about the adoring public watching their every move. Sam, on the other hand, looked ready to punch Steve’s teeth in, and had spent the afterparty thus far studiously avoiding the other man. Tony would take Team WinterIron’s second place standing in a heartbeat. 

The party was, at least, going better than Tony had expected. They’d been able to avoid the most annoying of the donors by hanging out with the kids the whole time -- nobody could really call them out on it unless they were an irredeemable asshole, and while there were one or two of those present, a stern lecture from Captain America on the reason they were all really there had been enough to deter them from making a fuss. There were Christmas trees and lights decorating the area, and Pepper was an absolute angel who’d managed to arrange for a Santa Claus to come and give out gifts to all the kids. Even Clint had warmed up to the event, and they all seemed to be actually having a good time. 

Tony had slipped away for a breather and was standing half hidden behind a Christmas tree, sipping on warmed apple cider, when he felt someone looming up behind him. Lips curling up in a smirk, he glanced back at Bucky. 

“You’ve gotta stop sneaking up on me there, Bucky Bear.” 

Bucky grinned back at him. “But where would the fun be in that?” 

Tony rolled his eyes. “So, did you get a chance to see Santa? Tell him what you want for Christmas?”

“Well…”

There was an odd tone to his voice, and Tony glanced at him to find… was he blushing ? He blinked at Bucky, who bit his lower lip and seemed to steel himself. 

“All I want for Christmas is you.” 

Tony stared at him a minute, and then he started to laugh, pleased and delighted. “Are you…Is this a joke?” 

Bucky shrugged, looking shy but hopeful. “Delivery, maybe,” he admitted with a crooked grin, voice a little hoarse. “But not the sentiment behind it.”

Tony beamed at him and then, after a quick look to make sure nobody was watching them, he darted forward to plant a quick kiss on Bucky’s lips. 

At least, it was meant to be a quick kiss. Bucky’s hands came up faster than he’d expected, gripping his waist and pulling him in close, deepening the kiss. They were both breathing a bit harder when they pulled away. 

“Yeah,” Tony admitted, having to clear his throat when his voice came out a little more high-pitched and giddy than he’d intended. “Yeah, that sounds like a good Christmas gift to me.” 

Bucky positively beamed at him, giving him another quick kiss, a little more needy this time. Tony hummed softly, and was just wondering how long they’d have to stick around before they could reasonably slip away, when another thought occurred to him. 

“Wait, aren’t you Jewish?” 

Bucky just shook his head and laughed. “Shut up, Stark.” 

[loulougoingsolo]

Vanilla vs Misfits

Tomorrow’s going to be the finale show of the Ice Cream Taste Test Tournament - or Take It To The Scoop - series of GMM. After the first four episodes, my personal prediction bracket has 2/4 semifinalists correct, which is better than I expected - and I’m very much rooting for Häagen-Dazs Chocolate Peanut Butter to be the ultimate winner. But since I didn’t have a chance to comment on yesterday’s episode, and the Vanilla region, I’m bundling it up together with today’s Miscellanous region. So, once again, let’s talk about ice cream!

I think plain vanilla ice cream only works in combination with a warm apple pie, or if topped with something that takes it to the next level. There is a reason why vanilla has become synonymous with everything boring, bland and unexciting. Although, according to Buddy System 2 Link, there actually is an even more boring flavour of white ice cream.

By the way, I rewatched BS2 recently, and paid more attention to the ice cream flavous in the Taste Test episode, and they are the opposite of bland. As, of course, are Rhett and Link.

After following this tournament, I can’t even say what my favourite ice cream is anymore. Yesterday, I was dying to get my hands on some cookies and cream and/or cookie dough (I can’t believe B&J cookie dough didn’t even make it to the bracket!), but I’d be equally happy with some Half Baked from today’s episode. I did correctly guess that Blue Bell Cookies & Cream would move on yesterday (in my ears it sounded nicer than the Oreo /Breyers collab). But the highlight of yesterday’s episode was definately Chuck Testa!

There something very likable about Chuck, and the fact that he carries his senior-doggy Digger in a messenger bag only makes him more lovable. The guys recommended a video where he’s dressed as a Santa, and all of the McLaughlin/Neal kids take turns telling him what they want for Christmas, and it’s just too precious. But I think they should have given Digger just a tiny bite of ice cream, the poor thing was trying to politely ask for a treat and only got some laughs.

I was a bit traumatized by a taxidermised squirrel as a kid, because it  was a hunting trophy, but I can’t help but love the more artistic creations, like the ones on yesterday’s More. They remind me of the movie Dinner for Schmucks, which has some brilliant taxidermised mice scenes (and it’s funnier that it sounds - or it’s just that I kinda love silly comedies).

Now, is it okay if I adopt Chuck as my granddad? Digger is welcome to my family, too.

Moving on to the Misfits Miscellanious Region of ice creams - the group of flavours that don’t fit any of the other categories. My prediction for the winner of this region was the Breyers/Reeses collab, just because I assumed the magic of peanut butter would carry through. I don’t know why I underestimated Half Baked, when it’s one of my personal favourites.

I love how Chase the Referee got upset when the B&J coffee ice cream didn’t move on. I like coffee ice cream in general, but something heavily caffeinated is not the best treat to eat while watching a movie just before bedtime. I wonder if there is a de-caf version of the Buzz, buzz, buzz available? Probably not, but I found this little article about coffee ice cream!

That is Matt Carney as Luchador, right? His rhymes were hilarious, but I almost got brainfreeze just by looking at how much ice cream he was fed. “Give me more, por favor!” I think they need to give his mask a good wash after this, for sure.

Tomorrow’s finale is going to be a tough one. We have today’s regional winner, B&J Half Baked, Blue Bell Cookies & Cream from the Vanilla region, Blue Bell Banana Pudding from the fruity category, and Häagen-Dazs Chocolate Peanut Butter from Monday. Who knows what is going to happen - they all have a fair chance at winning the tournament. All I know is that I have another pint of ice cream for tomorrow, and it’s currently safely in my other freezer, located in my workshop - so in order to get to it at night, I’d need to get dressed, walk across my yard, unlock the workshop door, get the ice cream and get back inside, in the dark. I’m pretty sure this is too complicated a task for me to perform in the wee hours.

In More, Rhett and Link are not joined by Luchador (who is probably still getting over his ice cream binge by the dumpster behind the back door), but instead, they play a game called The Stretchers. I admit I’m easily entertained, but I love the Let’s Play Mores. This game was particularly perfect for GMMore, because the guys really needed to work together to get anything done. And yet, this was almost as silly as a game as the one with goats. And everytime Link dropped his end of the stretchers just to clap his hands, I just couldn’t stop laughing. This episode truly was worth the applause!

[disinvited-guest]

4/17/18 Recap

It’s tradition that when a show is in the Cincinnati area, my sister and I have Cincinnati chili beforehand, so we grabbed Skyline on the way to the venue, arriving around 4:30.  We met up with a lot of folks we’d seen before at one show or another.  A few minutes into our wait, we heard This Microphone playing from inside the venue.  Then, a minute or so later, Flans started a Vibe Report with his voice still blasting from the venue.  A bunch of us in line simultaneously freaked out about the Vibe Reports being for Stale Vibes for a full minute before all realizing that it was the song that was a recording, not the video.  When they did do soundcheck, much later, they practiced a bunch of their less-played Flood songs and I Like Fun.

When they opened doors, we made two lines.  I ended up in the slow one, but my sister was smart enough to go in the opposite from me, so she went ahead to get us a spot.  We ended up in front of Marty’s drum riser, which is where we’d discussed before the show.  I was surprised by how tall the stage was, coming up nearly to my chin!

They came onstage early to the Last Wave video, which surprised me, and it wasn’t even quite 8 yet when they started into Damn Good Times.  Danny saw me right away and I got a huge smile (I think he recognized my sister too, but when I mentioned it to her between sets she snorted and said “you two only have eyes for each other” so I’m not sure).  

Linnell introduced them as They Might Be Giants and Flans explained how they would be playing two sets, and for the second set they would be playing Flood “in sequence.”  

The crowd cheered, then Linnell told us “not the sequence they are on the album, just a sequence.”  Which got a laugh.  Flans finally cleared up how exactly it would go by telling us they would be playing it in reverse sequence from the album.

They played The Mesopotamians, then I Left My Body, then Linnell introduced Hey Mr DJ by saying “This song has a fade out.”  They had obviously practiced doing it with a fade out since Louisville, it went really smoothly and they didn’t have to gather around the drum riser to make it work.  Linnell was hilarious during the fade out because he kept mouthing the lyrics, not even whispering, all the way through to the end.

They introduced the next song as a cover of Destiny’s Child, then got into a debate as to whether their cover version was just like the original or not.  Eventually Flans decided “different costumes, same sassy attitudes.”  Linnell thought that Flans had the sassy attitude down, but wasn’t sure if he did.  Flans then told us he was “portraying the sassy attitude of Kelly Rowland,” while Linnell was in the role of Beyonce Knowles.

Linnell told us he was a “mere understudy” for the role.  Flans went back up to the mic stand to respond, then thought better of it “I was going to make a really obscene comment, then I realized that that was a bad idea.”  They started into the song and Flans was especially dramatic.  He started out singing directly to a member of the crowd, did his pivot turn, and walked along the edge of the drum riser twice.  As they finished, Dan Miller left the stage and they started into Don’t Let’s Start.  Perhaps because it was earlier into the show, Flans and Danny weren’t jumping and spinning around stage as much as they usually do for this song, although there was still a fair amount of hopping and dancing from both of them.

Dan and Curt both returned to stage for Spy.  When it was Linnell’s turn for the ending, he had them playing opposite that sample of his from Here Comes Santa Claus.  When he turned things over to Flans, he kept them all playing for a bit, then stopped Linnell and Marty until it was just Curt and Dan playing some goofy sounding high notes with Danny supporting.  He then brought the crowd into it a bit with long, extended cheers, then ended things with no warning, saying “Spy” into the mic in a normal speaking voice.  Curt left,  and they played Number Three and then Wicked Little Critta.  Dan said something to Danny during WLC that made both of them crack up.  

Curt returned to the stage and Linnell went over to get the contra alto clarinet while Flans introduced it as “last seen at your high school concert band rehearsal.  I know what you’re thinking, but it’s not that one.”  Danny was singing the backing vocals to All Time What again, which is so incredibly adorable and wonderful. (He also sang a lot of the backing vocals for the Flood set and my sister pointed out that it’s probably because he and Dan practice together, which is even more wonderful.)

The Dans left stage but Dan Miller didn’t go far.  The whole set, he’d been switching off malfunctioning guitars with a harried Mr. Burnette, who would fix them just in time for the next to have a problem.  Dan stayed just offstage, working to fix the latest in the string of guitar issues.

Flans grabbed his acoustic then told us that they were doing this next song a little bit differently because the second set was a Flood set.  There was some feedback and he said “Oh, I think that was me.”  As the noise died a bit he said, “the noise is coming from my [name of the guitar I forget] made in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.  It has the power of Christ behind it.”  This got a laugh, Flans clarified that when there was feedback, the guitar made people say “Jesus!” then tried the guitar again, saying he thought it was fixed.  

This resulted in more feedback, and Linnell told him “It will never be fixed.”

They then started I Like Fun, and I thought it was kinda funny Flans was all nervous about doing it differently when poor Marty was the only one doing something different.  The poor guy was incredibly tense, trying to play a part he was used to doing on electronic drums on his regular trap set.  He got through it wonderfully though because he is a national treasure.

The Dans returned to the stage while the Johns plugged the new album.  I believe it was here they asked people to hold up their vinyl copies of I Like Fun.  There were some Flood vinyls to, and Flans told those people they could make a killing on ebay because “people don’t realize it’s still available.” Linnell played a note on his keyboards that told me they’d be playing Mrs. Bluebeard, but Flans wasn’t done.  He made a few more comments about buying things at high prices and that was what made ebay so wonderful before they started into the song.

I don’t think I’ve mentioned before that when they play Mrs Bluebeard the lights onstage are all blue.  It’s a bit on the nose, but I think it’s a nice touch.  From there, they went into New York City. Flans sang King Kong rather than Dylan and at one point Danny stood behind Flans and randomly spun in a slow circle.  They finished out the set with The Guitar (with a wild Future of Sound) and left, with Flans telling us they would be back in 15 minutes.

They didn’t quite make 15, but they were back onstage to Gypsy before the regular 20 minutes with Dan taking pictures of the crowd with his phone.  Flans stopped to remind us they were playing all of Flood in reverse order, making it “a memory test for everybody,” before they started into Road Movie to Berlin.  Flans included the King of Liars verse, which I was super excited about, and I whistled along at the appropriate points.  They went straight into They Might Be Giants from there, it was incredibly goofy and high energy.

I believe it was here that Flans told us he could feel himself getting younger as they played the songs “like Benjamin Button.”  Linnell offered another example that he thought was more fitting, and Flans said “Well, I’ve never seen Benjamin Button.”

“So that’s the one you prefer,” Linnell responded.

“It’s about the businessman who’s a baby, right?” Flans asked.  Linnell said that was exactly what it was about.  Then, in a old-timey New York businessman accent, Flans did his best Benjamin Button impression “I’m Benjamin Button, see?”

Linnell told us the next song was originally recorded by an orchestra but that they had given it their own unique spin.  This lead into Sapphire Bullets of Pure Love.  From there, they went straight into Women and Men, which I was most excited to hear out of all the Flood songs.  It was as fantastic as I had hoped, although Linnell switched “shipwreck” and “beachhead” around.  After the song, all the lights went down and I clapped and cheered especially loud, which I think Danny heard, because when I could see again he was looking at me and laughing.  

I believe it was before Hot Cha when the band started discussing how tricky it was to promote this show “never since Tempe, Arizona” had a show cause such trouble, since it wasn’t in Cincinnati, it was in Covington.  They discussed the many different places their shows were that were actually just Boston, and Flans told us “We have no idea where we are most of the time anyway.”  They took a poll of the people from Covington versus Cincinnati, which wasn’t very successful.  Most people cheered for both, and Linnell told us that it appeared one and two thirds of the crowd was here tonight.  They played Hot Cha, then made a few more comments about the Covington/Cincinnati divide, saying they would be organizing chicken fights between us after the show.  Linnell grabbed his accordion and they played Whistling in the Dark.

As they got set up for Letterbox, Flans commented on the fact they now had two acoustic guitars onstage.  He told us that they were now “that kind of band,” and that “Next comes the stools and the cap’m’s hats.  Letterbox was as impressively word-dense as always.  When it was over, Mr. Burnett came out to give Dan his electric guitar and Flans commented on the exchange, causing him to present it to Dan with a bit of ceremony.

They played Minimum Wage and Flans sang a bit of the ending “bah bah bah bah” and then Hearing Aid before Flans stopped to warn us that we were getting “Perilously close to the beginning of side two.”  They finished off side two by playing Someone Keeps Moving My Chair.

Flans told us we were now on side one, then pause and said “There’s no stage banter between songs on the album so I’m not sure what to say.”  He asked Linnell how his day was, but Linnell hadn’t done much, and Flans hadn’t either.  Flans then commented that he had finished the book he was reading, and started On Fascism “because I felt like I wasn't getting enough of current events.” This got a laugh from the crowd, and Flans remembered a story.

He told us about the Belly Up, the place they play in Solano Beach on the West Coast.  He told us it was exactly the kind of place we would expect from the name and tried to do an impression of the guys who were there.  Unfortunately he “didn't have the bangs for it.”

Apparently the cousin of the guy who owns the Belly Up owns a venue in Aspen, Colorado and wanted to book them.  Flans said they were wary about it, but when they got there it was mostly the same type of people. “Ski-bums,” Linnell clarified.

Flans continued, describing the seats around the edges of the venue “and in one of those seats was Madeleine Albright. I still haven't processed it.”

Linnell called Madeleine Albright a ski-bum, and Flans said he thought she was more of a boogie boarder.

“No, that's not right,” he realized.  “What do you call that thing you do on the board?” A bunch of people in the crowd gave him the answer and he said “Snowboarding!” Linnell told him that boogie boarding was in the water, then Flans reminded us “I consider myself an indoorsman. You kids do what you want.”

They really started pushing for the end at this point, with little banter other than a few basic song introductions.  They played We Wanna Rock, Twisting, and Particle Man without pause.  They had trouble getting the crowd to clap during the song, and people stopped completely after Linnell's Here You Come Again interlude.  Curt came onstage for Particle Man just so he could clap, then left again for the sole purpose of making his grand entrance during Your Racist Friend.

He and Dan left the stage and they played Dead, then Curt returned to do the intro to Istanbul.  Dan started to take a picture of Curt, but saw Mr. Burnett was doing the same thing, so took a picture of him taking the picture instead.  Curt and Dan switched off for one of the endings, which was fantastic as always.

They played Lucky Ball and Chain, which was exciting to hear live. Flans switched the lines about the railroad apartment to lines from a different verse on accident.

They all played Birdhouse In Your Soul, then Flans thanked everyone while Curt and Dan left, and I thought for a moment they were going to skip over Theme from Flood, but I was mistaken.  It's a sort little thing, but I loved getting to hear it and it made an awesome way to cap off the set.

They returned with Fingertips, which is always amazing live.  Flans did his Heart Attack bit. The audience cheered between Dan's whispered “fingertips” and he pointed at us all while we did. They left stage after just that song, with just the Johns coming back onstage for the second encore.

They grabbed accordion and acoustic guitar respectively, then introduced How Can I Sing Like A Girl.  Flans told Linnell to wait, but he started the accordion part anyway. Flans called “John! John, stop.” Linnell did and Flans explained he had to check his guitar, since it wasn’t working the last time he checked.  It worked fine this time around, and they started into the song.

I was worried they would end it there, but all the guys returned to the stage and Flans introduced them to us.  When Dan was introduced “What’s this? Dan Miller on the keyboards!?” He played a bit on the keyboards, then apparently recorded and looped it somehow, because after a bit he threw his hands up in the air and the music he’d been “playing” kept going.  They ended the show on Doctor Worm.  As the song was ending, Danny moved over and played a note the keyboard, grinning over at Dan, who just told him what note to play instead to complete the chord.  Danny obliged and all the guys held and held that last note before leaving the stage.

They were back on with stickers, Flans handing them out on the other side and Marty right in front of my sister and I.  Danny didn’t come out for more than a minute after the others, and I was worried he wasn’t coming out at all, but eventually he did, flinging stickers left and right, far out into the crowd.  

Marty handed a setlist out on our side while Danny handed out two on the other.  While Marty moved back to get his drumsticks, Danny headed over to our side with another setlist and handed it to me.  After Marty came back and gave out the drumsticks my sister and I managed to escape the crush.  I wanted to stick around a bit longer, but my sister steered us back towards the car, telling me if I was going to cry, she didn’t want it to be in front of everybody.  I’ll have you know I didn’t cry, but it was a near thing.  I still can’t believe it’s over.

[lxtent]

Here we are again my lovely muns! Another Christmas has drifted around, and it’s now almost been four years since I started writing Leo. That’s a crazy amount of time for me in the world of roleplay. Through each of those years, you guys have brought a smile to my face every day through your writing, muses and just being who you are. They’ve been some of the hardest years of my life but I’ve been lucky to have you all by my side. Truthfully, I’m not sure what’s going to happen next year. I start a new job in January and it’s going to suck up my time mercilessly. I don’t know how much I’ll be able to be around. But I will never leave. As long as I have a place to escape to here, I know I can get through things. I want to support everyone else just as much as you have supported me. I don’t know if I’ll ever find a way to accurately portray how much you all mean to me. Around Christmas, you’re supposed to spend time with the people you love. Even though that includes you guys for me, there are countless oceans and countries that get in the way. I’m not Santa sadly, so there’s no travelling by reindeer to see you all like I’d wish to. But at the very least, I want to reach across to you and give you all a hug with words.  To the beautiful muns that make this place my second home, I wish you all the happiness in the world this Christmas, and all the days following it. To quote Jung Leo himself: “Let’s see each other for a long time.”

☆ . 。.:*・ My Fairy Lights・*:.  。. ☆ 

☆ @iceprincesssooyeon Every year I try and think of a new way of telling you how much you mean to me. Which is dumb really, considering I tell you nearly every day and holy crap, you must be so sick of it by now. But nothing changes, no matter how many times it’s said. It doesn’t lose its impact. It’s always true. Want to know I really random fact? The first time I went on to your blog, the post I saw first was one of strawberry and cream cake. Not only did that just make me adore you at first sight (I love strawberry and cream cake it’s my favourite cake ever) but it also made me associate you with it a little ^^ Perhaps it’s cuz you’re so sweet, or that now I always imagine Sooyeon and Leo baking together and feeding each other strawberries. Or maybe it’s just the fact that you’re the strawberries to my cream hehe~ One wouldn’t be here without the other. I’m so thankful to know you and to have our SooLeo.

☆ @numberxix I told you this a while ago but it’s still something I think about around this time of year. The day we first started talking was new years day, about two years ago now. What I didn’t tell you that much of was that I had had a really bad start to that year. I’d had a bit of a panic attack on the way home from seeing family. It was pretty much the worst first day of the year you could get. But then we started talking. You were one of my first reasons to smile that day. And it’s been like that for this entire year since. We have so many ships between our muses, romantic or friendship and I love every single one of them. Kyungri and Jaehwan will of course always be the first in my heart. But I can’t wait to see how they all develop. There are so many ideas we have, so many little scenarios and I wouldn’t want to share them with anyone else. 

☆ @instantlyiconic I can’t believe we only met a few months ago! It seems like so much longer. Thank you for bringing Minseok into Leo’s life, being like the warm cups of coffee he always offers him; energy and comfort. You are an amazing writer, I can’t say it enough because I won’t even stop saying it when you finally agree. These two will get closer with time and I can’t wait to see that happen.

☆ @thosewhowearmasks It’s not even been four months since we started talking, how is that possible?! When you first popped into my im’s saying you loved Seraphina too, I think I had a feeling then that we were going to get along just fine. Not only that, but I discovered a long lost twin! You’ve killed me with just a few heartwrenching paragraphs and given me some of the fluffiest fluff too. When we get to write these characters more (because we will) I’m going to pay you back for both! Thank you for always sticking around. And for making me watch Liar Game, that was a really good idea.

☆ @noxwrites Have I ever told you that I admire you endlessly? And that you’re hilarious and I love screaming about VIXX with you? And that Daesung is one of Leo’s closest friends and if he ever lost him he might not recover from it? Well, I have now. I’m sorry I’m so lame when it comes to promptly replying to... well, everything. That’s gonna have to change. And please let me love more of your characters! Good? Okay.

☆ @scxpegoxt Hey I know you’re not here anymore and we stopped talking AGAIN (why does this keep happening) but how could I miss you off here? You’re one of my favourite favourites. You have no idea how many docs I have with drabbles I wrote with Hakyeon and Leo. There’s a lot. When we started talking again after a freaking year, I was so happy. Which means I need to get off my butt and go and message you right now. And I need to stop being a dinosaur like Leo and get a discord. Yup.

☆ @pvlchritudine I love friendship ships. Love them so much. Karen and Leo are exactly why Ido. Have you seen how cute they are? Of course you have~ You’re just as lovely as they are and I so wish we talked more. I take all the blame for the fact that we don’t. I’ve followed you for years, back when your blog had a different name and I played another character entirely. But one thing that hasn’t changed is that I always love seeing you around. It wouldn’t be the same without you!

☆ @aniimvs You wonderful soul. Thank you for sharing so much of Gabriel with me. I feel honoured to be able to help you with her just the teeniest tiniest bit. Getting to know her more has just made her interactions for Leo even more frustrating and ironic and just great. Have I ever had a friendship (that they won’t even call a friendship) as complicated as this one? Nope. Which is why I love it. I’ve admired you since my first foray into krp and I’m so glad you’re still around. I really am!

☆ @dcmnation Ah, my personal torturer. The one that killed off Leo’s sweet little Nana! You’re still amazing though. You know something that stuck in my mind from all the times we’ve talked? It’s a strange thing, but I was on holiday and couldn’t get online for very long. The only way I could talk was through kkt. Suddenly, there you were, saying you’d got kkt so that you could talk to me. I was so damn happy and humbled. We don’t talk as often these days which is an absolute crime but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you just as much my bby~

☆ @lighthousehan I don’t think we’ve ever talked all that much outside of our threads, aside from when we first plotted out Han and Leo’s backstory. But despite that, their friendship remains strong as ever. Though I can’t help but notice how we always seem to slip into angst somehow. I think that might be my doing half the time! Thank you for giving Leo such an important childhood friend. I’m forever grateful for getting to read your writing all the time.

☆ @czernobuh I think I say this too much, but you were the first person to love Leo. No exaggeration! For that reason, you’ll always be someone I adore. Not to mention you’re an incredibly skilled writer who dedicates so much time to your muses and is so kind. I want to write with more of them! I want to give you all the hugs! I hope you don’t run away after reading this! ;)

☆ @starrdew Can I let you into a little secret? I love Eunbyul and Inhye’s friendship so much. I might even ship them a little more than that ;) I really wish we got to write more together because they’re all so fun to write. Dahee and Leo’s imugi and the prince verse still makes me smile every time I read something from it. Thank you for sticking with me for so long through snails paces and everything else.

☆ . 。.:*・ My Snowflakes・*:.  。. ☆

We don’t talk as much as we could. Which is really something I have to change. Or maybe we talked before and haven’t spoken in a long time. Still something I have to change. It’s more than likely I just admire you from afar, having no idea how to actually talk to you because I’m so in awe. Either way, thank you for being who you are, for writing your characters with such love and enthusiasm that my dash is filled with amazing stories every single day. I wish you the best time over the holidays and for friendship to find us next year.

@spvtnik  ☆ @sassofindie ☆ @shadowraiths ☆ @ambitiousxmonsoon ☆ @nitewishes ☆ @thcrnful ☆ @haebxtna ☆ @consilian ☆ @hyejvng ☆ @sooncerely ☆ @thefxmily ☆ @nvpch ☆ @snoopykbye @incubus-ravi ☆ @gumihc ☆ @kindredxhearts ☆ @vartouhix ☆ @busanbunnie ☆ @shcngrila ☆ @lifeinblack ☆ @manticxre ☆ @divinexwreckage ☆ @astraeignis ☆ @niiiightsky ☆ @pullstrings ☆ @jinseinoai ☆ @oculvus

[wintersilhouette-blog1]

Day 26 - Event: Aoyama Omotesando X Christmas Event (Evening Show)

Two days in a row to meet my oshis…

I can’t believe that this day came. I mean, last year I celebrated Christmas by doing nothing in particular. I’m glad this year I did something at least that is memorable.

Anyway, I got the ticket to go to this newly established unit, Aoyama Omotesando X. This unit has 30 men from Oscar Promotion, an entertainment unit, and they will challenge themselves in broad range of work, from singing, dancing, modeling, even variety show! I’ve watched two of their Line Live, and I can see how interesting each and every members are. Some of them are well known actors from tokusatsu series, TV series, movie actors, or in 2.5D musicals, but some of them are still new, or recently debuted, or they worked at different fields that are relatively unknown by fans.

The event started from members coming from the back of the room singing “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” in Japanese, wearing white shirts, or hoodies, or jumpers. Anyway, they introduced themselves, starting from Team A, O, and X. The leader is Kuriyama Wataru, and the vice-leader is Shiono Akihisa, both of them served as the MC.

Highlights from the introduction: 1. Nishime Shun is the mood-maker of the group. 2. Uno Yuuya is the gorilla of the group. 3. Sadamoto Fuuma is the bishoujo of the group. 4. Iwata Tomoki is the one who has an annoying face. 5. Sadamoto Fuuma did a dajare (pun). 6. Nakamura Kaito is the fresh-guy from the group, but there was one member who was pretty young and claimed that he’s fresh (I think it was a member from Team X but I can’t remember who he is), then it (almost) became a war between those two. 7. Tanaka Joshua can’t speak English (which is a surprise for me even though he’s half-American…?) 8. Osada Sean introduced himself as the foreigner (gaijin) of the group.

Then it came to the game corner. If they lose they need to do a batsu game (punishment game). First game was between Team A and Team X. The task is that they were given two minutes to borrow an item from the audience, but there are special conditions. The fastest team to finish (and get it right) gets the point. So the specification of the items were lottery (everyone got different specifications), and the special conditions was: First round: Only from people who has the same birth month. Second round: Only from people who has the same blood type. Third round: Only from the people who likes the same animal as the AOX member.

Highlights of this corner: 1. It should be Team X who won, but because of Fuuma re-checking the item he borrowed from the audience, which is blue item (I think it was an IC card case from Seigaku vs Rikkai) and from someone who’s blood type is A, the MCs said Fuuma is an honest person (yasashii hito), so Team A got the point. 2. Onuma Shota (Team A) had to find someone who has orange coloured item from AB blood type audience (AB blood type is rare, right?!) so he was the last to finish his item hunt. Then because of the incident I mentioned on last point, Team A won this round. 3. Uno Yuuya screamed “Is there anyone who’s favorite animal is gorilla?” He’s a lovely dork, isn’t he? 4. Team X has to do the batsu game (1-2, Team A wins), and there was an electric pen, so it will give an electric shock. When one of Team X’s members got shocked, the pen fell to Fuuma’s direction, making Fuuma so terrified, and Team A members were like, “How dare you to hurt Fuuma?!” Then during the shocking self time (Yuuya tried that pen and got shocked by it also LOL), basically Team A members were protecting Fuuma. Conclusion: Fuuma protection squad is born. Second game was the gesture game. So each team, consisting of five people each, was given a situation, and they have to act it out and freeze. More similar and/or same poses, higher points the team got. The battle was between Team A and Team O. This game was made in two rounds for each respective teams.

Highlights of the game: 1. Uno Yuuya and one of the Team A members (Can’t recall the member) went for the same pose, and they kind of declared that they are the new combi. After that, Yuuya hugged that guy, continued by sexily seducing him which made the crowd screamed. Then he imitated the scream with fangirling body movements (I love Yuuya. He’s an ultimate dork). 2. Team O also has a combi, but they didn’t do anything special in particular. 3. This game is won by Team O, which they were really happy because they said that in the afternoon show, Team A hasn’t lost a single game. So, all Team A members must drink nigai ocha (I might translate this as bitter tea, although it sounds awkward). 4. One of Team A members said that Fuuma shouldn’t drink the tea (take it as “poor Fuuma, I don’t want him to get hurt…”) so one of the other Team A members should drink two cups, which of course, that targeted member refused (I can’t remember who’s the target member sorry…). 5. Due to solidarity, Nakada Hiroki, who served as the MC for this corner, drank the tea as well. 6. Uno Yuuya said that he loves drinking nigai ocha, because it’s good for health purposes. 7. Basically everyone in Team A drank the tea and the reaction was priceless. Some fell down, some screamed, Fuuma’s reaction was really calm compared to his teammates and I saw how he suffered from drinking that tea (poor Fuuma…). The only member who has no reaction, obviously, Uno Yuuya. Next time, please give him one bottle of nigai ocha to drink. After this segment ends, it changed to Team X’s talk show, and they were wearing suits which are the same as the pamphlets. The highlight from this segment is Iwata Tomoki who can’t shut up talking about his annoying face (urusai kao) and he was into it (and proud of his annoying face as well LOL). I think he mentioned about him being surprised when he woke up and looked at the mirror, he got rid of it because his face was surprisingly annoying. 

Yes, I get it, Tomoki. Your face is annoying, just like you said. After the talk show, Team A members came out wearing suits, and they have to to love confession. The audience who got their number called are free to choose the 30 members of AOX to do one of the five scenes given. The ones who did it was Nishime Shun, Iijima Hiroki, and Nakada Hiroki. I kind of zonked out for this segment, because I’m not a big fan of love confessions that make girls go crazy. Still, it was really funny to see this segment.

Then, present time! Three audiences are eligible to choose one member, and they can choose to have a cheki with them (polaroid photo), kabedon (basically getting cornered on the wall), or the member said “daisuki dayo” to them. Two of the girls let the members choose it for them (Iijima Hiroki and Nakada Hiroki), and one other girl chose for cheki with Kuriyama Wataru. The funny thing about the kabedon is one of the members brought a board, written “kabe” (壁) which means wall, and hold it behind the girl who will get kabedon from the member she chose. Another hilarious thing was the member who hold the board got asked, “How does it feel to hold (or to be…?) the wall?” Man, it was funny to see this segment. After the present segment was over, the members asked us to sing Jingle Bells, and they went around the audience. I called my oshis’ names but they didn’t recognize me. But when I called Sean and said hi to him, he was surprised. Maybe he didn’t expect that one of the audience will speak to him in English…? But, I’m happy that he responded to me.

Lastly, the members gave us one more present, which is plastic balls that has their sign on it. I didn’t get one, but I’m pretty fine with it. I’m happy that I can see them at least on stage. For this event, we have miokuri, so we can do a high touch with all members of the unit. I repeat, all members. I felt sorry for most of the members, which I can’t seem to remember their names (and how they arrange their hair, some of them looked really similar so I can’t differentiate from one another).

My miokuri highlights: 1. Iwata Tomoki was really happy that I knew his name. I said, “Tomoki-kun, kyou wa arigatou gozaimasu!” (Translation: Tomoki-kun, thanks for today!) Then he replied, “Arigatou gozaimasu! Iwata Tomoki desu! (Translation: Thank you! I’m Iwata Tomoki!) I think he’s trying to emphasize himself so the audience who came can remember his name. 2. For most of the members, due to super fast miokuri (and the staffs were pressuring the audiences intensely) I just said arigatou gozimasu or Merry Christmas in broken katakana, which made most of the members surprised that I’m actually a foreigner (which my face looks like a Japanese and I tend to get mistaken to be Japanese as well). I am so sorry, guys… Please forgive my broken katakana Japanese… 3. I spoke English to Sean and he was really happy. I said, “Sean, Merry Christmas!” and he responded “Thank you! Merry Christmas to you too!” I am more than happy that I can interact in English actually. 4. Few days before the Christmas event, me and my two friends were talking about Fuuma, and said that we want to see Fuuma’s shocked or stuttered reaction. So, after talking to my other friends, I decided to say Merry Christmas in English to him. His reaction? He was surprised, I noticed that. His face reaction wasn’t that utterly suprised though, but he can respond thank you in English in split seconds, and his pronunciation was good as well! I really appreciate him for responding in English to me! To be honest, I would like to say do your best in learning English, but again because of the miokuri was too fast, I can’t. Fuuma, I look forward to talk with you again. If possible, in English! 5. I was really sad during Seigaku Team Party because Yuuya couldn’t participate in the miokuri, and I’ve prepared a line for him already! But I was really excited to meet him, and I said, “Yuuya-niichan~!” And his response was really really cute, oh my goodness I love Uno Yuuya so much. He was really happy, then he started jumping and high touching me again and again, which made me responded the same as well. Then he waved at me and said bye-bye. Remembering this made me soooooooooooo embarrassed, because I really want to meet Yuuya and talk to him. He looks really really friendly and nice, also lovable. Uno Yuuya, I’m so grateful to meet and interact with you, even though it was short, but thank you! I hope we can meet again and talk more >< 6. The miokuri ended with Nakada Hiroki. Meeting him gave me a shock, because I saw him on Tsukisute Rabbits Kingdom, and I admired his dancing and stage presence. Seeing him face to face made me melt, and I love his smile. His dimples are so cute oh my goodness. 7. Yuuya’s dimples are also cute. I love guys with dimples. 8. I found it funny that the miokuri started with someone with an annoying face (Iwata Tomoki) and ended with someone with a really charming face (Nakada Hiroki). This is my report for the Christmas event. To be honest, I enjoyed it a lot, but I kind of felt hard to know at least the names of the members. I did expect that they will have a name tag attached to make it easier for the audience to recognize who is who (when they were wearing white shirt, not suits), but at least I still can enjoy the event! Some last highlights from this event: 1. Moriya Shun (Team O) has a really funny face. You just can’t help it but to laugh at his face. 2. One of the members showed his six-packed abs in front of the audience during introduction. 3. Iijima Hiroki’s goods (I don’t know which one) was sold out. After thoughts: I do enjoy this event, and I laughed a lot, especially Yuuya. Man, he’s awesome on stage, and I love his interaction with fans. Fuuma was really cute, his teammates kept protecting him throughout the event, which I can relate that he’s a lovable member (Fuuma is lovely). Most Team A members were really talkative and noisy, and I do wish to see more members being talkative. I enjoyed how non-Team A members, such as Moriya Shun and Nakamura Kaito being talkative on stage. I do expect for more exciting events coming from this unit!

[tube-thoughts-blog]

tube thoughts vol. 7

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

Rifftrax presents "Cool As Ice" --1991-- *Snow aka Justin Bieber gives Bella Swan goosebumps and crotch-rocket road rash.* 3 stars with riffing or running from zero to 1 star without

"Dumb and Dumber To" ---2014--- *Sloppy seconds.* 2 stars

VH1 --sneak peak-- "Suave Says" --2014-- *A "thrilling" inside look into the post music career, current evangelical motivational speaking venture, and wealthy domestic drama of a one hit wonder pop star from wayback in 1991. Gerardo aka Rico Suave.* 1/2 a star

"That's My Boy" (2012) *Topics like underage student and teacher sexual relationships and incest are dealt with maturely by Adam Sandler, Andy Samberg, and Vanilla Ice. Of course not, but this isn't even creatively controversial or riotously raunchy in any remarkable way. It's just another formulaic Adam Sandler movie that hits all the same notes as usual.* either zero stars or 1 star

The Tom Green Show -Rogers Community Tv- -The Comedy Network- (1998) *Bemused, pertubed, fumed. These are just a few of the reactions Tom illicits from anyone not in on the joke.* 2 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark: The Tale of Laughing in the Dark *"Pick the right door, and you'll go free. Pick the wrong door, and there he'll be." He being a cigar puffing, nightmarish, funhouse clown.* 3 stars

"Housebound" ---2014--- *"An active mind in an inactive environment." The Brits make a superbly spooky mystery with dry and subtle humor.* 3 stars

"Chonda Pierce On Her Soapbox" (1999) *Folksy entertainment variety and jubilee from a real life Peggy Hill.* 1 star

Buckmasters -Young Bucks- "The Misadventures of Bubba" (1992) *Near fatal hunting accidents hilarity with a Jim Varney caricature.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

"Dancing Outlaw, Jesco White" (1991) & Jesco Goes to Hollywood (1994) *''Sorrow, hatred, and madness. '' "If you wanna get to heaven, you got to raise a little hell."* Heaven for Jesco is dancing at Elvis' star on the Hollywood walk of fame and guest starring on Roseanne or huffing fumes.*        3 stars

Fargo: The Crocodile's Dilemma *"What's the policy? See, I'm sort of a student of institutions." Billy Bob Thornton can play indifferent malice like no other.* 3 stars

15 Storeys High: The Sofa *Lord Snooty's couch, club card, co-opting of other people's conundrums, and crisis 'cause he can't stand to be cuddled.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

12:01 Beyond-- Christmas Special 2014 -------------------------------

*World Friendship Society - Please Just Go (music video)* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Le Passage (movie trailer): More badass than Home Alone and Rambo.*          3 stars

*Lobo for the charity "Socks for Tots" gently used socks for children at Christmas at the North Pole. Lonely odd socks for lonely odd kids.* 2 1/2 stars

*Ninja, the Mission Force: "Clam chowder can only mean a ninja challenge."*     2 1/2 stars

*Lobo argues the Holiday Blues with his potted plant, Ms. Mittens.*         between 2 & 2 1/2 *

*Fleischer Studios - Superman - The Arctic Giant: A kaiju nearly destroys Metropolis and swallows Lois whole.* 3 stars

*Treevenge: sentient x-mas trees turn the tables on crass Christmas celebrations and begin tearing the merry folk to shreds.* 3 stars

*Lobo fills holiday stockings full of leftover Halloween Candy.* 2 1/2 stars

*Lobo meets Ro-Man the Robot Monster from the 1950s B sci fi movie, at the north pole, and suggests he kidnap Santa Claus.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

*Reverse Pharmacology: Incredibly hilarious imagined symptoms of a placebo taken by medical test subjects under lab conditions.* close to 3 stars

*Pueblo Sleep Solutions presents 'The Bedtime Bruiser' (commercial)*               2 1/2 stars

*Don't Open Till Christmas (movie): Scotland Yard is on the case of serial slayings of Santas.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

*Lobo gets an 8 track player for X Mas* 2 stars

*The Lobo (DC Comics character, not the guy from the 12:01 skits) Paramilitary Christmas Special: The Easter Bunny hires the meanest bounty hunter in the galaxy to hunt down and take out the fat man and his elves.* 3 stars

*Sleigh Runner: The Communist tradition of Christmas is put to an end by a Eastern European Rob Zombie lookalike cowboy killer.* 2 1/2 stars

*Happy Holidays to all the fans of the New Mission Impossible (tv series).*          3 stars

*"This Christmas forget milk and cookies. He wants blood." TWo Front Teeth (low budget movie trailer). The elves in this flick look pretty nightmarish and the characters, especially the black cowboy, look interesting. Interest peaked.* 3 stars

*Republic Pictures Serial -The Crimson Ghost- Chapter 3- The Fatal Sacrifice:  The Crimson Ghost's hideous high wire act.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

*The metal band HEMI perform the song Dust to Dust live in a club.*           close to 3 stars

*Neon Harbor presents Space Ninja the animated movie: A cyber dystopia mixed with feudal Japan. technology and swordplay eyecandy-gorgeous must see for me.* 3 stars

*Ro-Man mistakenly beheads Santa for Lobo who claims no responsibility for the death of the mythical character.* 2 1/2 stars

*Action International Home Pictures presents the "Gruesome Holiday shocker." "Elves" starring Grizzly Adams (retro movie trailer)* 3 stars

*Vinegar Syndrome presents on Blu Ray "You Better Watch Out" aka "Christmas Evil": And they've added a beautifully twisted painted portrait of the movie's tragic hero on the box art.* 3 stars

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tales from the Crypt: The Ventriloquist's Dummy *Pathetic weirdo and hack ventriloquist comedian Bobcat Goldthwait's idol Don Rickles isn't really a retired, bitter legend of ventriloquism. He's actually a prisoner of his own responsibility to keep his beautiful-woman-hating, conjoined twin freak brother from ever killing again.* 3 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Deadline ----------

*Writing obituaries does seem like the typically morbid Summer job that a Springwood teenager would have.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

*Springwood, where suicidal teenagers wish they were dead so that they can be reunited with their ghost bff(s) and douchebag, ponytailed dreamlovers.*      2 stars

---------------------------------------------

Red Shoe Diaries: Safe Sex *A smooth talker brings a sad, vulnerable business professional lady in out of the rain, and she still makes him wear a raincoat in bed. So, so, softcore stories sent in to a personal ad's post office box and then picked up and retold by shadowy anywhere North America David Duchovny character, which is nice trimming for the show, but damn is the sensitive lite soul torch singing background music awful. I prefer a cheesy, solo saxophone over this -Lifetime For Women lyrics- boner killing tripe.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Brian De Palma's "The Black Dahlia" (2006) *I'm a sucker for Los Angeles noir settings, slaughtered pretty girls like Laura Palmer, and conspiracy art like Alan Moore's From Hell.* 2 1/2 stars

Transparent: season 1 -episode 1 *Three self absorbed siblings can't see past themeselves enough to be aware of their father for what he truly is and themselves for what they might actually be. The conservative side of me wants to say that this is more of liberal Hollywood's agenda to undermine traditional America by saying everyone secretly wants and would be happier with an alternative lifestyle. Also, I can't remember the last time I saw so many aesthetically interesting (not exploitive or trying too hard to be sexy) glimpses of comfortable nudity.* 3 stars

Weird Science: Cyrano DeBraniac *"The savage game of sexual attraction" requires all of one's synapses to be firing and it doesn't hurt to have a time and space manipulating genie, who's also sexy, to unzip Einstein's undead brain out of the fourth dimension.*             2 1/2 stars

Thundarr the Barbarian: Den of the Sleeping Demon *A pair of clumsy junior adventurers, and their huge bird friend, help rebury a genetic research monstrosity that was given a high voltage reawakening.*      3 stars

--- Swamp Thing: The Dark Side of the Mirror

*Everyone in this town is so stupid and easily manipulated that Arcane could have probably just walked up to the new determined district attorney, at dinner in a fancy restaurant, and shot him in the head, instead of genetically mutating the musclebound moronic deputy into a Swamp Thing double assassin.

The town formed an extremely enraged mob, in a matter of minutes, and even the longest running protagonist human characteron the show (Jim's mom) is willing to throw her morals aside for blind vengeance.

Thank goodness Jim's brother Will, the new female lead Kari Wuhrer, and Swamp Thing are decent characters.

I'm glad for the upgrade from Jim to Will. Will is a better character and it gives the show more of an adult cast and less of a Timmy fell down the well and needs to be saved, each week, routine.

Still, some of the acting is low quality from the extras.

Feels like they used the stunt man from the fight scenes to do the lines, to save money, when it would have been better to switch him out for a real actor.*

between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

--------------------------------------------------

Paranormal State: season 1 -episode 17 *A wild goose chase for the legendary Mothman. The leader of PRS probably doesn't realize how much he comes off like X Files' Fox Mulder as he keeps repeating the phrase "I want to believe."* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Kolchak, the Night Stalker: The Sentry *"Don't linger in the shadows." It will "rile the bile" about lizard-men living deep within the earth where corporations and shadowy government organizations are storing their darkest secrets. The most daring reporter,ever, of tabloid monster mysteries makes his last (documented) stand down there.* 3 stars

"Room 237" (2012) *"The past doesn't exist." But film historians, and fans, are still dissecting the ghost of Stanley Kubrick and the symbolic filmic events surrounding the almost mythical Overlook Hotel.* 3 stars

Lucio Fulci's "Conquest" (1983) *Cro-Magnon man was ruled by a cruel dominatrix / naked lady performance artist / new-age goddess, along with her band of fanatical furries. That is until Ronnie James Dio & Luke Skywalker changed things. Conquest establishes itself apart from other low budget and dumb sword & sorcery flicks, of the early 1980s, with its dreamlike aesthetic and gore-crazy practical special fx.*   between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"Begotten" (1990) *Imagine a super 8mm National Geographic hallucination of twitching, early 20th century mental patients being tortured and abused in the ruins of a 19th century pastoral southern gothic wasteland lurked over by pre-modern-civilization tribal sacrificial rites that are even more hellish and nightmarish than actual pagan practices predating contemporary times. Black mold on the walls of farmhouses with sun peeled paint and holes in the tin roof where the sound of dripping rain and viscus is constant on rusting metal surfaces that lie just beyond open rock quarries crawled over by lepers, in rags, dragging shaved and mutilated Christ-like figures who spew black stigmata from their weeping eyes and mouths.* 3 stars

Squidbillies: Taint Misbehavin' *A dying Dan Halen requires the citizens of Dougal County to join him in the paradise of the afterlife. Granny and Early get giddy because they mistakenly believe they're going to a resort town in Tennessee, when they're actually heading for the ancient Egyptian land of the dead.* 2 1/2 stars

Workaholics -2015 Season- --preview trailer-- *Some Comedy Central money went into a 2 minute parody of the new Mad Max movie, popular crime tv shows like Sons of Anarchy, strippers, bullet porn fx, and "cool" explosions.* close to 2 1/2 stars (for the misguided effort)

Hannibal: Apéritif *The mongoose meets the cobra.* 3 stars

Jonny Quest: The House of the Seven Gargoyles *An icy fate for an acrobatic dwarf creeping around a castle posing as a gothic statue and trying to choke his unsuspecting victims.* 3 stars

Dr. Who (4th Doctor - Tom Baker): The Android Invasion *A Benedict Arnold astronaut returns from being lost in space, now brainwashed by aliens carrying a shipment of human replicants and a deadly virus.* 3 stars

Farscape: Jeremiah Crichton *Crichton becomes a castaway on green planet inhabited by a tribal, and somewhat peaceful people, although there is some jealousy when the daughter of the chief becomes smitten with Crichton. After spending part of a cycle looking for Crichton, Rigel and Dargo find him all scruffy and weather beaten. In a Return of the Jedi C3PO twist, Rigel is the tribe's prophesized messiah and the three must save these exiled, forced by forcefield to be primitive people, or else be sacrificed themselves due to stupid politics and a conspiracy of priestly hierarchy.* 3 stars

Bob & Margaret: For Pete's Sake *Bob's brother is a pretentious tv chef, and when he gets a gig in India, Bob and Margaret have to look after his two annoying brats.* 3 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark: The Tale of the Dark Music *The power to control demonic forces, living in the root cellar, lies in the sounds on the radio. A tired of being picked on paperboy uses this knowledge to payback the scummy metal-head bully next door and his mean, little sister.*       3 stars

"The Initiation of Sarah" (1978) *This feels like a hazy 70s tv movie version of Carrie the college years. Two sisters pledge and go through the occult like Greek sorrority ceremonies. The good looking one gets picked by Morgan Fairchild's meangirl sisters and has to be cruel to the other. The timid one has her telepathic powers exploited by a witch wannabe Shelly Winters in the rival plain Jane house complete with a maze backyard.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

---Thrashin'--- (1987) *Square jawed Josh Brolin is too straight laced to be taken seriously by skatepunks in the 80s L.A. skatescene. The leader of a gang of Lost Boys also wants Brolin to stay away from his out of town and just visiting, Idaho pretty tomato younger sister. It hits all the right notes for an 80s extreme sports fun adventure flick.* 2 1/2 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Fitting Punishment *A cheapskate ghetto mortician is willing to cut corners no matter the cost to human decency. He embalms using dirty tap water. He buys cheap coffins from China. He clips out the gold and silver teeth of the deceased. He even blames his orphaned nephew for being a financial burden and cripples him, then sells his Air Jordans to pay medical expenses. When that's not enough, he murders him and saws him a foot shorter above the ankles so that he can stuff the boy into a cheap coffin for Chinamen.* 3 stars

Hill Street Blues: Film At Eleven *Llama stolen from the zoo and almost used in a slumland apartment voodoo ceremony. Cops style film crew documenting the precinct. Herman Dracula, alledged wannabe vampire. It's funny until he commits suicide in his private cell. Ballistics confirms that they've found the handgun used in the near fatal shooting of officers Renko & Hill. Relief comes with uncertainty. It's raining in the police station, the roof is leaking and everyone is getting the flu because of it. This show can't help but end on a melancholy note due to all the lingering emotions. Rollercoaster, as usual.* 3 stars

Tru Tv- --South Beach Tow-- --Bernice's Top 20-- *"Best of" countdown of fake reality show beatdowns by an angry black woman?* 1 star

Botched: Vagina Bomb! *The same network (E!) that encourages viewers to idolize trainwreck celebrities and their fake bodies, also exploits sick individuals who've butchered their own bodies in order to achieve that phony Hollywood dream. Of course this show is under the guise of "fixing" plastic surgery mistakes, but the client/patient usually receives even more body enhancements and still looks like a nightmare.* either zero stars or 2 stars

True Detective: The Long Bright Dark *Heathen homicide in a hick shit-haven where if one doesn't parrot the standard beliefs of others, and oddly speaks in a stream of consciousness like Cormac McCarthy, then one's peers tilt their heads and cock their ears like a confused dog in misunderstanding and disbelief.* 3 stars

---- New Year's Movie Marathon ---------------------------------

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: Time Runner (1992) *Spoilers, for The Force Awakens, ahead. Be Warned. Years after Return of the Jedi, Luke is having a midlife crisis and skynet is using star destroyers to blow up Los Angeles. So he travels back in time to the Washington Canadian border getting in ugly rental car chases with human looking alien Rae Dawn Chong and gunning down well armed baddies, along side the goofy deputy from Twin Peaks, & watching  their hilarious death throes. All while making sure Senator Palpatine can't prevent Seth Rogen and James Franco from nuking North Korea thirty years in the future. Make sense?* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: 12 To The Moon                      ---plus---                       "Dream to Design" -short- *The woman of the future visits the satellite of love and turns the robots crow and tom servo into kitschy househould appliances. meanwhile, the united nations of nasa proves earth's worthiness to the lunar neighbors.*                     2 1/2 stars with riffing and between 1 1/2 and 2 stars without

Terry Gilliam's "Brazil" *A depressed Da Vinci with his wings clipped by the dulled scissors that society can no longer cut all the red tape with.* 3 stars

Fritz Lang's "Metropolis" *In my life of relative ease, I watch this movie on my cheap consumer electronics provided for me by workers in horrible third world conditions.*           3 stars

"Starry Eyes" (2014) *Ambition. Attrition. Ascension. All the way from Hooters Girl who can't get taken seriously at low-grade movie auditions to transforming into a Hollywood harlot comes at the price of one's soul taken by the Satanists who run the movie industry and helped sanctified with blood and betraying those closest also climbing the ladder.* close to 3 stars

"Messiah of Evil" (1973) *What if, after Thanksgiving, America honored the Donner Party Massacre by having Black Friday be masses of mad people tearing into raw red meat at supermarkets? This flick is like the eerie calm before an apocalypse. Too weird, almost, to describe, and if one tried to, a bug would appear on their tongue and they would cough up insects and lizards.* 3 stars

"Strange Days" (1995) *"Memories were meant to be forgotten. They were designed that way." Let old acquaintance as well. 20 year old predictions about the new century, by James Cameron, are still pretty relevant. Questions about the abuse of police force. Urban upheaval and riots. Voyeurism being a social media (though it's not as seedy as it's imagined in this movie).Things James Cameron got a little off are plenty too. Musicians stopped being, for the most part, political messengers. Trainwreck skank rock queens like Courtney Love aren't nearly as talented as James thinks or as worth going through hell over, but they're still a huge part of the media's obsession. Found footage and virtual reality may just be entertainment fantasy, but the themes in this movie are played out daily on actual viral videos.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Max Headroom: Academy *What if corporations had their own legal systems? What if a death penalty trial was turned into a tv game show? Viewers of the HLN network sort of get to experience this. What if criminal profiles were assigned to innocent people who fit a certain stereotype? Wait a minute....* 3 stars

Joe R. Lansdale's "Cold In July" (2014) *A considerate and well adjusted family man has to stand his ground, on shaky legs, but isn't in the overzealous camp of his hometown neighbors who wanna pat him on the back for it. He never feels right about the incident and his remorse pulls him into a world of Dixie mafia killings, Texas Mexico border crime, and a friendship with a flamboyant and dogged private detective and the deeply burdened man who mistakenly stalked the family man's family when he was wrongly convinced the family man slayed his son in the stand your ground incident. In a bizarre twist, the three men come together to help the deeply burdened man solve his burden of putting down his wayward son who's making snuff films with hookers. It reminds me a lot of William Devane's "Rolling Thunder," another revenge flick with a lot of bitter sorrow and dark themes.*      3 stars

The Tom Green Show -Rogers Community Tv- --The Comedy Network-- (1998) *Tom is an absurdist comedian who can sometimes be traditionally clever in his humor. He drinks purple koolaid with a cult who worship an alien version of Jesus Christ's brother, he ruins an Elvis impersonator street performance and almost gets his ass kicked for it, and he continues to try to prove he's the biggest idiot in the room.* close to 2 1/2 stars

The Prisoner: The Schizoid Man *The Village have number 6 convinced he's twice the man he was using an uncanny double.* 3 stars

Game of Thrones: season 3 episode 7 *"People work together when it suits them, they're loyal when it suits 'em, they love when it suits 'em, and they kill when it suits them."* 3 stars

"Under the Skin" (2013) *Scarlet Joe Handsome is an enticing alien, in a black wig and brightly painted lips, driving around Scotland, in a pedo van, indifferently observing all the quiet, everyday human suffering and luring horny, confused men back to her abandoned building / nest / spaceship(?) --where they step sinking into a surreal black pool of liquid.* either 1/2 a star or 2 stars

American Horror Story- -Coven -The Replacements *Sober Santeria. What other show is going to have a pothead, white trash mom molest her patchwork monster, back from the morgue, college boy son? or let a juicy and morbidly obese black virgin finger herself in front of a minotaur? not many spring to mind.* 3 stars

Gargoyles: The Edge *Zanatos uses the steel clan and a Tony Stark type tech gargoyle suit to frame the real gargoyles for the museum heist of 'the eye of Odin,' in order to have the cops chasing them all around town and scare them into coming back under the wings of his 'protection,' which would have the gargoyles inprisoned in a research lab.* 3 stars

Rifftrax - Total Riff Off - Man vs. Monster *"Meeting the channel's factual quota, we now return to the bullshit." Rifftrax skewers another one of those pretentious explorer douchebags, from National Geographic Wild,  that are always trying to turn a simple creature of nature into a tall tale monster.* 3 stars with riffing 1 star without

Son of the Beach: With Sex You Get Eggroll *satire of sex slaves and sex jokes, both smartly done.* 3 stars

Carman -Yo Kidz! -The Vidz *Gnarly Jesus dudes, hip musical kids, and cumbersome cat costumes.* 1 star

Morton Downey Jr.: Cults *A man who once had a cult-like tv audience examines mind control organizations and self-help pseudo-religions.* close to 3 stars

Mel Brooks in "High Anxiety" *Side-splitting neuroses.* 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Korman's Kalamity *A cartoonist's monstrous creations come to life after years of nagging from an abusive spouse and his recent forced use of an experiment male potency medication.*  2 1/2 stars

"Al-TV" -April Fools Day 1984 *"I could just watch videos all day until my brain turned to mush. Couldn't you?" Weird Al takes over MTV from its bland video disc jockeys and turns the channel into the absurdity it should be.* 3 stars

"Traxx" (1998) *"Be good, be gone, or be dead." Shadoe Stevens is one tough cookie as he parodies every 80s action hero vigilante and western cowboy cliche come to clean up a Troma version of a Texas town in one of the weirdest, left field comedies ever.* 3 stars

Hippies: Protesting Hippies *Simon Pegg tries to spark a Y2K revival of the comedic rebelliousness of The Young Ones with a Britcom That 60s Show.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Northern Exposure: Pilot Episode *A "Jew, New York doctor" finds unspoiled land, wildlife, hell... even people (patients) "just waiting to be fondled" in middle-of-nowhere, Alaska.* 3 stars

X Files: Space *Otherworldy phantom sabotaging shuttle missions. A study on how stifled and subdued the space program has become.* 2 1/2 stars

"Freaks, Nerds, and Weirdos" -MTV (1994) *MTV NEWS looks at Generation X's social outcasts like nerdy hipster college kids, quirky celebrities, and alternative musicians and they talk about their struggles with being different from "the norm." Ironically, the show is framed with commercials featuring beautiful skin care and fashion model young people bragging about how great it is to be one of the in group of the beautiful ones.* 2 1/2 stars

"The Myth of the American Sleepover" (2010) *The last bittersweet days of Summer and the pre-conceived notion of sublimity for a group of suburban teenagers. Indie movies about the adolescent rite of passage to adulthood aren't as fun as exploitation flicks about the same thing, but the delicate and thoughtful manner in which the subject matter is approached allows for more personal reflection for the viewer.* close to 3 stars

Turner Classic Movies: Beneath the Planet of the Apes *Twice as bleak of an ending as the first.* 3 stars

--- "Bates Motel" (1987)

*After spending his youth in the looney bin with Norman Bates as his father figure, Bud Court (Harold & Maude), and a great casting choice, inherits the Bates Motel from the deceased Norman whom he carries around in an urn afterwards.

With the help of a spunky squatter (Lori Petty) and a Morgan Freeman esque handyman, he reopens the falling apart eyesore and deals with the rumors of the place being haunted and the fast moving yuppies of the 80s who wanna exploit the property to keep with the changing and advancing landscape of the times.

Tonally a weird mixture of maudlin and mockingly humorous. Whoda thunk they could take a legacy of a Hitchcock suspense thriller and throw in one those feel good fixing up the place montages, a Happy Days 1950s teen ghosts dance party with a dreamlover angel Jason Bateman, and Scooby Doo villain plot twist?*

either 1 star or close to 2 1/2 stars

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"An Evening With Bobcat Goldthwait, Share The Warmth" (1987) *Bobcat chugs two six-packs of TAB and then proceeds to frighten uncomfortable laughter out of a group of yuppies in a nightclub.* 2 1/2 stars

"Beyond Vaudeville" (1986-90s) *Best of a weird NYC public access variety show with guests and acts like Grandpa Munster, Tiny Tim, "the Edith Bunker of massage," climbing Harpo's ladder with Wavy Gravy, Burt Reynold's fantasy Turkish woman (possible delusional stalker), Greg Brady, the arm and the giant from Twin Peaks, the theme from the Flying Nun on spoons, Rock Around the Clock in Yiddish, an Underdog / Dracula enthusiast / interpretive dancer, and many other pathetic bizarre folk. Sammy Davis who?* 3 stars

Morton Downey Jr.: Central Park Squatters *A heated shouting match between freaks and fascists over the issue of gentrification.* 3 stars

"Scoundrels" (1982) a Cecil Howard adult film *"Life's too fucking short." Ron Jeremy is the long dick, long suffering dad, just like Kevin Spacey, in a sexually frustrated slice of American Pie.* 3 stars

American Horror Story -Murder House- "Rubber Man" *"What is it about being dead that makes me so horny?" Hysterical lady troubles.* close to 3 stars

"The Guest" (2014) *A psychotic super-soldier gone awol and come to roost with the troubled family of a fallen comrade. Pulses like an homage to 80s action movies in the vein of John Carpenter.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Justified: season 1 episode 1 *Bluegrass Helter Skelter.* 3 stars

Chrisley Knows Best: The Great Outdoors *Chrisley reluctantly takes his sons camping at the lake, while wishing he were more like his hero Oprah and scaring his 8 year old with the legend of Jason Vorhees.* 2 stars

Comic Book Men: Ghostbusting at the Stash *Sitting around ye ole podcast table and sharing spooky stories about things like the Jersey Devil.* 1 star

"The White Buffalo" (1977) *Charging out of Hell and into Heaven were men like Wild Bill, Crazy Horse, and Charles Bronson.* 3 stars

Kung Fu, the series: Dark Angel *Words lost, eyes blinded, and riches not found, but, at the same time, roots replanted, senses regained, and faith restored.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Invasion U.S.A. (feature) & A Date with the Family (short) *Rigid dinners with loved ones, or heavy drinking with a group of barflies, is a great opportunity to discuss how every American should do more in their part to combat the Red Menace.* 3 stars with riffing 1 star without

"My Mom's A Werewolf" (1988) *An underappreciated housewife goes to the pet store to get a flea collar for the family dog, and winds up having the mom jeans charmed off of her, and replaced with fur, by a hair-piece wearing lycanthrope (John Saxon).*                2 1/2 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Black Tickets ------------------

*A young Brad Pitt runs over himself running into himself running away from his problems.* 2 stars

*Having a baby is hellish, even if Brad Pitt is the daddy.*                           between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

---------------------------------------------------

USA Up All Night -with host Rhonda Shear -Valentine's Special -----------------

*Lovers Lovers (feature movie): Neurotic & horny 30 something year old professionals in the city of Angels. It's like a softcore version of Seinfeld.*          2 stars

*Starburst California Raisins style commercial where the Starburst candies get taken to the bad side of town called Twisted Town.* 2 1/2 stars

*The Girls of Paradise (phone sex commercial): 3 stars

*Rhonda hangs out in the honeymoon suite with a amorous bell boy who has chest hairs a plenty.* 3 stars

*Twix commercial parodies the plane crash movie "Alive" in a funny scenario where one guy tricks the other into thinking they're being rescued so that he can have both Twix candy bars to himself.* 3 stars

*Rhonda tries to get a honeymooning and arguing couple's bride out of her hotel room bathroom.* 2 1/2 stars

*Free brochure for TV Parental Ratings guidelines* 3 stars

*"Mel" (taking his name from a PayDay caramel candy bar wrapper) calls up a phone sex hotline to talk to the horny chick about covering her in peanuts and creamy caramel in a funny PayDay commercial.* 3 stars

*"Every day people like me and you are proving why the 'Psychic Solution' is so popular." Obvious payed employees of this phone scam network give false testimonials about their amazing experiences talking to phone psychics.*    either zero or 3 stars

*"Imagine being forced to make love. Now, imagine thousands will die if you dont. Will she? Won't she? Or will she just kick some ass?!" La Femme Nikita preview for an upcoming 1997 episode. Haha.* 3 stars

*Rhonda coaches sweet talk to a dumb husband who gets all her amorous advice lines all wrong.* 3 stars

------------------------------------------------------------------

Weird Science: Magnifico Dad *Mom gets her birthday wish for dad to turn into male supermodel hunk Fabio.* 3 stars

Son of the Beach: Silence of the Clams *"The beach is meant for solitude, not senseless orgying. Cancel Spring Break or else."* 3 stars

Thundarr, the Barbarian: Fortress of Fear *A many eyed wizard wants Ariel as his bride.* 3 stars

Swamp Thing: Silent Screams *"Eye of the hurricane, listen to yourself turn. World serves its own needs, Dummy, serve your own needs." Arcane is selling eco-terrorism to the highest bidder. First in line to be served, shadowy agents of the U.S. government, and they're willing to sacrifice a small, swamp town to test the effectiveness.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Jonny Quest: The Invisible Monster *Turn off the life light, don't let it shine or else be taken in by the hungering Pac-Man esque ghost of an animated mass of energy. Look out, because it's a one-eyed, giant, purple, people-eater.* 3 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark: The Tale of the Super Specs *Do "They Live" or is it just an April Fool's Day trick of the mind thanks to a phony trick gifts shop's surprisingly effective super specs glasses?*             close to 3 stars

Friday the 13th, the series: Shadow Boxer *A bum fighter uses cursed gloves to separate his dark side from his body and sends the shadow out to stick it to his opponents.* 3 stars

Paranormal State: season 1 episode 18 *Penn State freshman lions turn themselves into fraidy cats with the passing around of campus legends and the playing of an ancient Japanese ghost story game called '100 Candles.'* 2 stars

Penny Dreadful: season 1 episode 1 *For a moment, I thought Frankenstein and his monster were going to passionately kiss on the mouth. It was weird.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Stephen King's Kingdom Hospital: season 1 episode 6 *"He eats disease. He likes to be scratched behind the ears. He's horrible, beautiful." 3 stars

The Outer Limits: If These Walls Could Talk *CGI Ryan Reynolds. He's not Green Lantern. He's possibly a 'Casper' or at the very least a molecular anomaly. His mom can't let go of the mystery around his disappearance and his frequenting of a so-called haunted house. She's a paranormal believer. She swears she hears him crying out in the haunted house. She befriends a pyschic phenomena debunker. They get drunk, share their hearbreak over the afterlife or lack thereof. They stir up spirits or at least a cold case crime scene. They  learn about the mystery behind a previous owner who was a reclusive scientist and find his hidden room complete with strange meteor. It ends with them covered in ectoplasmic goo.* 2 1/2 stars

"Father Guido Sarducci Goes to College" (1985) *Vatican City versus Disneyland.* 2 1/2 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Mute Witness to Murder *Some enchanted evening, you may meet a stranger. And some enchanted evening, you may witness a brutal murder. That enchanted evening may damage the psyche.* 3 stars

Red Shoe Diaries: Double Dare *Necessity is the mother of virtue. A business professional lady needs the thrill of an erotic game of show and tell via fax machine dirty messages and flashes of bare flesh across facing office building windows with a sexy stranger, but she can't take it to the next step and cheat on her husband in person.* 2 1/2 stars

"Computer Beach Party" *Weirdly played, and ridiculously overdubbed, dorky sex comedy that maybe comes close to deserving cult status.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

Total Riff Off: Animals Behaving Badly *Horny deer. Smoking ape. Rascally raccoon. Pooping cheetah. Shoe humping tortoise. Horny dolphin. Indian woman breastfeeding a calf. Chicago city coyote. rat infanticide, and the classic panda attacking jacket guy.* 3 stars with riffing between 2 and 2 1/2 stars without

"RoadRacers" (1994) a Robert Rodriguez film *David Arquette as a scumbag greaser, James Dean wannabe with Salma Hayek as his main squeeze. Sounds unconvincing, but somehow they pull it off. Also, great tunes from the era of rockabilly, decent villains like the town asshole cop William Sadler, and Deadwood's Saul Starr as the sci fi and sinful thrills obsessed sidekick.*  2 1/2 stars

Richard Linklater's "Boyhood" (2014) *Maybe the best ever use of scripted reality in dramatic entertainment. Following two siblings for over a decade as we watch them grow and deal with their movie parents a psychology student-into-teacher mother (Patricia Arquette) and their sometimes deadbeat other times often extremely caring and liberal-slacker poet papa (Ethan Hawke), along with step siblings, abusive drunk stepfathers, plus all the growing pains and life steps that happen along the way to young adulthood.* 3 stars (for achievement in the portayal of life) or zero stars (for every character being so unlikeable)

--Starz-- --The Missing: episode 1 *A wrenching, quiet, and moody look at the frantic hours around parents dealing with the disappearance of a child and how the effects of that trauma are still haunting them, and others involved with the memory, years later.*         3 stars

American Gothic: Damned If You Don't *Dang ole' tornado of the soul.* 3 stars

"Din of Celestial Birds" (2006) *inherent iniquities* 2 1/2 stars

True Detective: Seeing Things *Pussy, fantasy, illusion, delusion, hallucination, justification, nightmare, and revelation.* 3 stars

X Files: Fallen Angel *Toxic cover up and lies with an official seal.* 2 1/2 stars

"Night Dreams" (1981) xxx *Bound by wild desire, Dorothy LeMay fell into a ring of fire.* 3 stars

--- MTV's True Life: I'm Preparing for the End of the World

*An obese, and (from how he's presented on this docu show) low i.q. suffering, young  father moves his pregnant wife, two young boys, and yummy pet rabbits & chickens to an isolated farm in the mountains.

There he rambles about doomsday scenarios and his family assists in setting up booby traps that are more dangerous to themselves than anyone else.

My advice is to lay off the extra bunny, at dinner, and to not homeschool the kids about the proper way to filter goat piss into a drinkable water alternative, but instead to exercise as a family and to get out in society and work towards not ending up with an apocalypse.

Next, we have two priviledged college twins who are so quirky and idiotic that they jokingly form a two person cult where they bother college campus students and the city's homeless population with their pretend rhetoric.

Low point being when they claim to be getting prepared to raise their consciousness beyond the normal soulless zombie, just before tossing a twenty dollar bill into the air for a group of hungry homeless and junkies to wrestle over.*

1 star

-----------------------------------------------------------

Morton Downey Jr.: Feminism *Mort and feminist lawyer Gloria Allred go toe to toe and almost mouth to mouth with the sexual tension between them (just kidding).* close to 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Television Terror *A t.v. station scores big ratings, when Morton Downey Jr. is murdered, live on the air, while investigating a haunted house.* 3 stars

"Too Young To Die?" (1990) *A trailer trash teen runaway (Juliette Lewis) gets the death penalty for the murder of her soldier guy former lover, thanks to her hick pimp/pusher (Brad Pitt).*  2 1/2 stars

American Horror Story -Asylum- "The Coat Hanger" *Forgiving trespasses. Ian McShane almost seems too good for any show after his iconic role in Deadwood, but he finds one here as a blackly humorous and blasphemous sinner/killer in a setting that keeps getting more depraved and strange. Bucket of KFC chicken and skinning victims alive killer mixed piece joke. Priest drowning at a baptism. Priest crucifiction. The dirty history of pre legalized abortions. Cruel head nun gets on the other end of looney torture. A Nazi butcher / mad scientist seeking aliens because he appreciates their eugenic techniques and getting sent his own Mary with a possible alien seed in her belly.* 3 stars

Hannibal: Amuse-Bouche *"It takes one to know one." A human fungus wants understanding.* 3 stars

Bob and Margaret: Friends for Dinner *"Another domestic dilemma." Bob and Margaret continue to define themselves different from their rude peers, while still retaining a flawed quality that makes them so relatable to the average person.* close to 3 stars

15 Storeys High: The Model *"If she learns to swim, next thing she'll want to learn to drive." A nutter doesn't want his nude centerfold wife to take swimming lessons. Olives on pizza distaste, and a compulsion to pull any wallpaper off the wall -weirdness. Also, the swimming lessons oath includes everyone but practioners of karate and the pop star Sting.* 3 stars

Hippies: Hairy Hippies *The animals of Aquarius are gonna tear your prick off.* 3 stars

Farscape: Durka Returns *"The difference between a knife attack and life saving surgery." The outer space adjustment bureau can turn anyone they want into an attitude corrected slave.* 3 stars

Max Headroom: Deities *When it comes to matters of the spirit, people often forget what it means being human.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark?: The Tale of the Captured Souls *Sometime in the early 90s, the Obamas and their daughter nearly had the life sucked out of them by a mirror-spy-tech mad-science-geezer posing as an ole timey tween boy with a ridiculous hairstyle that was almost as bad as Obama's soul glow mullet of the time.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

American Horror Story --Coven-- "Fearful Pranks Ensue" *supreme sacrifice* close to 3 stars

Red Shoe Diaries: You Have The Right To Remain Silent *A lady cop kidnaps and forces herself on a strong willed guy who won't show her any attention at the gym. I would have laughed if it were a case of her not having any gay-dar.* close to 2 1/2 stars and 1 1/2 a stars for the safe sex sales pitch

Hill Street Blues: Choice Cut *supermarket standoff with a side of beef.* 2 1/2 stars

Fargo: The Rooster Prince *"Savagery, pure and simple."* 3 stars

American Horror Story: Freakshow "Orphans" *The most sympathetic character on the show, Pepper, has a continuation of maybe the most tragic character arc of any character in all of American Horror Story, with a cameo from a character from Asylum.* close to 3 stars

MTV's "Eye Candy" extended peak *Disney channel(?) teen pop idol and now hacker (rolls eyes) in a serial killer stalker show with MTV style "edgy" (crap) aesthetics. The psycho stuffing smartphones in the mouths of victims is unintentionally ludicrous and laughable.* 1 1/2 stars

"Living With Michael Jackson" *"We would wake at dawn and go up in the hot air balloon. I have the footage. It's all very charming and innocent. That's ignorant. Who's the Jack the Ripper in the Room?" Was it exploitive journalist Martin Bashir or delusional Peter Pan wannabe Jacko?* either 3 stars or zero stars

Prime Time Thursday -ABC- Martin Bashir on his Michael Jackson documentary (2003?) *ABC gets a few more nasty kicks in to the wounded weirdo.* 2 stars

The Michael Jackson Interview, The Footage You Were Never Meant To See *--FOX--* (2003)

*"Becareful what you do, because the lie becomes the truth."

Maury Povich pauses from hosting & revealing ghetto / white trash paternity tests to take an investigative behind the scenes footage look at the Martin Bashir documentary on MJ.

An almost propaganda piece trying to repair Jackson's image and justify his strange behavior, but it does shine a light on the deceitful approach of Bashir's manipulative tactics in getting close to Jackson via gaining his trust with comments approving of Michael's generosity and attitudes towards children and Michael's personal life in other ways, and then turning  around and only showing the most sensational things in his "Living With Michael Jackson" documentary.*

2 1/2 stars

---------------------------------------------------------

The Greatest American Hero: pilot episode "UFO Encounter" *The teachers of troubled teens, those are the real heroes. This show has great music, and I don't just mean the cheesy wonderful theme song.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: I Accuse My Parents (feature) & The Truck Farmer (short) *Cultivate, refrigerate, exaggerate, denigrate.* 2 1/2 stars with riffing 2 stars without

Son of the Beach: In The G-Hetto *"Read my lips, I'm going down there and I'm going to lick your posse, and I'm going to enjoy it."* 2 1/2 stars

Black Sails: season 1 episode 1 *Blackbeard's snatch. Captain Flint's fluoride smile. Long John Silver's sexy good looks. I doubt these third world bandits were really this stylized.*               2 1/2 stars

Fred Olen Ray's "Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers" (1988) *Heaven for guys who like big tits and Hell for guys who don't like to be chopped into little bits.* 3 stars

Hollywood Hillbillies: Headin' For Hollywood *Another internet infamous sensation extends he and his grandmother's 15 minutes of fame by acting as crass and crazy as possible for the reality tv cameras.* 1 star

TLC presents My Husband's Not Gay *These Latter Day Saint women believe that they have it made, because, with another woman, their husband would never stray. I wonder if the LGBT community would stand up for the rights of the "same sex attracted" who don't act on it for religious reasons, or if... ha... of coure not.* either zero                   or 2 1/2 stars

"Monster" (2003) *A look at someone, on the fringes of life, whose feral impulses sadly couldn't be justified even though she endured a life of inhuman treatment.* 3 stars

Viper: Pilot Movie *Not just a tv show promoting a crime fighting futuristic Dodge motor company concept car, maybe also a question of whether giving career criminals a clean slate of memory is violating their civil rights or not.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

"Midnight Plowboy" xxx (1971) *Welcome To The Jungle as performed by Going To The Country's Canned Heat.* 2 stars

Woops!: pilot episode (1992) *99.999999% of the world's population has died in a fiery hot flash, but a few quirky yuppies survive to yuck it up on a small farm. Cue the laugh track.*        2 stars

X Files: Eve *bloodthirsty replicas* 3 stars

"Nomads" (1986) *Searching too deep beneath the surface of reality, a cultural archaeologist starts being stalked by a skid row spirit-tribe.* close to 3 stars

Manimal: Manimal *Transmutation is not for the faint or feint of heart.* 2 1/2 stars

---- "Tusk" a Kevin Smith film (2014)

*20th century man spent his time doing amazing things, and had tales to tell later.

21st century man spends most of his time talking about ridiculous things.

This time 21st century man accomplishes one of those ridiculous things.

How to go about summing up something like this...

3 stars for the crazy screenplay.

3 stars for the incredible walrus special fx by Robert Kurtzman.

3 stars for Michael Parks' truly demented serial killer / world's most interesting man character.

2 stars for Haley Joel Osment's nerdy twenty something podcast comedy partner.

almost 2 1/2 stars for Justin Long's obnoxious and self absorbed hipster mustached podcast comedian.

3 stars for Justin Long's suffering through hell tortured and experimented on in the most gruesome way possible walrus-man.

1 1/2 stars for all the podcast nonsense.

either zero stars or 3 stars for Johnny Depp's Mike Myers esque eccentric inspector character.

and to finish out the whole whacked out affair, either 1 star or 3 stars for the absurd ending.*

===================================================================

Wizards and Warriors: The Unicorn of Death *Mind over matter. Also, lightning hawks, hawks that shoot lightning.* 3 stars

"Don't Be A Menace To South Central While Drinking Your Juice In The Hood" *"One fish two fish red fish blue fish, knick knack paddywhack give a dog a bone, Two thousand zero zero party over oops out of time, my bacon's smelling fine." The Wayans, just off of In Living Color and a handful of blackspoitation movies, take on Boyz in the Hood & Friday with their brand of satire that hadn't quite soured just yet like it would with the Scary Movie series. Somewhat not bad, nowhere as good as say an episode of Chapelle Show, but almost on the level of something like Comedy Central's Key & Peele.* 2 stars                      plus 3 stars for Bernie Mac's cameo speech

Freddy's Nightmares: School Daze ----------

*No more homework, no more books, no more teachers' dirty looks. Just robotic students.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Standard Achievement Torture.* 2 1/2 stars

-------------------------------------

"Ben and Arthur" (2002) *I'm sure that everyone involved with this shot-on-video "movie" had their big, gay hearts in the right place, but the results are so oddly misguided that it cursed the gay rights movement and set queer equality back at least a decade.* 1 star

Tales From The Crypt: My Brother's Keeper *Two guys attached at the ass-cheek, now that's freaks. And it's definitely a wild half of the siamese situation if Timothy Stack is the straight laced one.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Cannon Video: Fifty Fifty (1993) *A couple of "in it for the money" mercenaries find a change of heart and purpose, when they're sold out by the U.S. government after initially being hired to train a  ragtag group of villagers to overthrow a cruel dictator.*                 close to 3 stars

Jonny Quest: Double Danger *monkeying around with hallucinagens* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000:  Operation Double 007 *"Terrorists were a lot more fun back then." Thankfully, Sean Connery's brother, Neil, also didn't try to rip off Highlander 2 or Zardoz.* 3 stars with riffing 2 1/2 stars without

The Prisoner: The General *Blind memorization is a learn-ed way for a slave to show its appreciation to its masters.* 3 stars

Paranormal State: season 1 episode 19 *"Balancing faith and science" as the lead investigator questions whether or not he should debunk a crazy lady's haunting experiences.*                           between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Swamp Thing: Walk A Mile In My Shoots *Arcane and Swamp Thing trade places.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

American Horror Story: Coven "Burn, Witch, Burn" *Ask me no questions and I'll tell thee no lie. Mama's little baby love shortenin'. Fry fry fry. Febreeze will get the odors out of any room where dead things lie.*   3 stars

American Gothic: Dead to the World *Denial ain't just a river in Bum-Fuck, Egypt.* close to 3 stars

Justified: season 1 episode 2 *Rhythm, romancin', runnin', and rippin' up the floorboards.* 3 stars

"The Census Taker" (1984) *"An outrageous invasion of privacy."* 3 stars

Hannibal: Potage *Manipulation in Maryland, Minnesota, and the media.* 3 stars

X Files: Fire *amorous arsonist* 2 1/2 stars

12 Monkeys: Pilot episode *Hourglasses of the hydra.* 2 1/2 stars

"The Thirteenth Floor" (1999) *"Hate to see that evening sun go down." Digital virtual deja-vu.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: Birthright *Senator Al Gore is all about shooting up with supplements and saving the environment by saturating it with methane for his alien race to take over and inhabit.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Northern Exposure: Brains, Know How and Native Intelligence *singing the body electric and fixing the plumbing.* 3 stars

Son of the Beach: Love, Native American Style *firebush and big hose* 2 1/2 stars

Thundarr, the Barbarian: Island of the Body Snatchers *Ariel almost loses her mind and her body in the mystery zone.* 3 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark?: The Tale of the Twisted Claw *Wish in one hand, let a vulture shit in the other.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Eegah! *RRRR! Richard Kiel is really big and really lonely and he wants to rape a gal named Roxy. It's like King Kong set in a resort desert town where a Ricky Nelson reject is constantly rocking out.* 3 stars with riffing 2 without

Weird Science: The Feminine Mistake *The guys get turned into chicks and experience what the other sex has to go through with horny guys like themselves.* 3 stars

Jack London's "Call of the Wild" starring Charlton Heston & featuring "Buck" the dog *Buck worth more than all the gold in the Klondike.* 3 stars

"Ax Giant" *"All strut and no gut." Paul Bunyan puts a cgi sawblade through Grizzly Adams' bear-sized head for eating his blue ox named Babe.* 2 stars

MLK Day Tribute ---------------

Morton Downey Jr.: Racism with Dr. Charles King (2 appearances on the show) *One of the last ballsy, crazy, and passionately confused conversations about race conducted by the media before political correctness closed the door.* either zero or 3 stars

---------------------------------------------

Abel Ferarra's "King of New York" (1990) *Max Shreck, magnanimous and soulful.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

X Files: Beyond the Sea *Serial killer -Brad Dourif- claims to channel the beyond and a grieving Scully's recently deceased dad. but is he just a coward staying execution?* 3 stars

Lucio Fulci's "The New York Ripper" *quacking misogyny* 3 stars

Red Shoe Diaries: Talk To Me Baby *"You gonna believe your eyes or are you gonna believe me?" Shared feelings and Samson-haired Bud "tries" to be less of a horndog for other women, but he's only a man afterall and after a night at the bar watching a wet t-shirt contest. If his hot foreign accent nympho girlfriend don't forgive him and talk, he's gonna flip his muscle car and go out Romeo style with her in the passenger seat.* 3 stars

William Friedkin's "Cruising" (1980) *assault, alarm, assuage, acclimate, assplay, and arrest* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Girl In Lovers Lane *Drifters and the females who foolishly fawn over them. A Route 66 romantic tragedy.* 3 stars with riffing 2 1/2 without

American Horror Story: Murder House "Spooky Little Girl" *The apparition of the Black Dahlia is misdiagnosed with acute anxiety.* 3 stars

Nic Cage is "Left Behind" (2014) *Bono raptured. U2 concert postponed.* either 1 star or 2 1/2 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Cabin Fever -----------

*Fly the Freddy skies.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

*Freddy finds his Laura Palmer.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

-----------------------------------------

True Detective: The Locked Room *Scarred snowflakes* 3 stars

"Night Warning" (1983) *"Fuckin' deviants, the world is full of 'em." Hoop dreams, ''homophobia'', and a hilariously insane Susan Tyrrell.* 3 stars

Svengoolie: House of Horrors *Creepin' on art critics.* close to 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: The Secret *Blue hued and sweet toothed tale of a wolf boy adopted by vampires.* 3 stars

Charles Bronson in "Cold Sweat" *A History of Violence in a French fishing village with American muscle car action.* close to 3 stars

Viper: Once A Thief *Viper-Man takes a suped-up stroll down memory lane with his delinquent former protege, Robin.* 2 1/2 stars

Son of the Beach: Two Thongs Don't Make A Right *The Devil's butt floss and daddy's B.J.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Betsy Russell is a "Tomboy" *Battle of the sexes in a light-hearted, cheesy reality that's not afraid to get raunchy.* 3 stars

American Horror Story: Freakshow "Magical Thinking" *Weak men and strong women.* close to 3 stars

Paranormal Witness: The Visitors *It's either one of two scenarios for this episode: A) A door to door salesman is duped into believing he's cursed with demons and uses his scientific background, and connections, to explain it. or B) A bored, middle-aged former scientist, and his tech buddies, try to establish a hoax with alledged proof of the paranormal.* 2 stars

The Greatest American Hero: The Hit Car *Heavier than air, heavy like Shakespeare.* 3 stars

"Killdozer" (1974) *Grizzled workmen in an isolated setting sci-fi horror that's similar to and yet almost a decade ahead of John Carpenter's "The Thing."*                          between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Black Sails: Season 1 Episode 2 *Cooking up a kingdom, of reprieve, through barter and betrayal.*            between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Dolph Lundgren in "Dark Angel" aka "I Come In Peace" (1990) *Phantasm's The Tall Man the cyberpunk / heavymetal years, now available on projectile compact-disc, just in time for a White-boy's Christmas.* 2 1/2 stars

Tim & Eric -Bedtime Stories: The Endorsement *Subversive swipe at Sunset BLVD* 3 stars

Puppy-Bowl: Unnecessary Roughness *Puppies wrestling at the "50 yard line" and hamsters overhead in a tiny blimp. This is okay with PETA, yet I can no longer go to my cockfights on Friday nights.* either 1 star or 2 1/2 stars

Kung Fu: Blood Brother *Dignity should not remain surrendered or buried in the mire.* 3 stars

Shaw Brothers: Roar of the Lion *(Traditional Chinese costumes) Lion versus dragon in a kung-fu dance off ceremony that's also comedy gold in a stunt filled comedy filled flick.* 3 stars

Manimal: Illusion *Manimal predicted the Siegfried & Roy tragedy, and Richard Lynch plays a diplomatic immunity villain before Lethal Weapon does the same.*           between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

King of the Hill: It Ain't Over Till The Fat Neighbor Sings *"What a glorious feeling, I'm happy again." In Hank's reality, he loses it when he can't micro-manage any poor decision making that's always hilariously exaggerated.* 3 stars

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Group Dates *Dennis comes unhinged when women rate him, online, as a zero. Frank can't keep Mac & Charlie from offending their blind dates, and he can't keep his cockring from slipping off. Dee's plan to stick it to men by giving them one night stands winds up backfiring.* 3 stars

Stephen King's Kingdom Hospital: Season 1 Episode 7 *Black noises, thirsting voices striking, impeaching.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

15 Storeys High: Blue Rat *All of the energy, none of the fuss, plus a pony.* 3 stars

Paranormal State: Season 1 Finale *A is for anxiety and or African American spirit girl humming to a sensitive, young medium girl.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

[amazingviralinfo]

Contrary to what romantic comedies would have us believe, Valentines Day isn’t all that great. It’s actually like one of those fancy clubs with a strict dress code and an expensive cover the idea of it is way better than the actual thing. Sure Fetty Wap and Scott Disick rolled through last weekend but the music sucks, the people suck, and you’re constantly being reminded that you’re not important enough to be standing where you are. Despite it never being any fun, you keep coming back, telling yourself that will it get better.

But time and time again, you end up spending your night the same way: swaying to the music like a jaded stripper, on the fruitless 6 p.m. shift hoping that someone will eventually acknowledge your existence. Apparently no one else seems to mind the $15 drinks and the mind numbing techno beat thats been interwoven into every song. The long line and hot bartender complete the purposely exclusive effect of the dump, and fuel that insecure-twitter-obsessed gremlin on your shoulder who eggs you on with whispers of: So you go along with the charade because not doing so would make you look like a fucking weirdo or Drake circa his Marvins Room sad boy days.

Valentine’s Day is similarly structured and similarly pointless and as of no, there are only two camps that you can celebrate it with: the annoying couples on Facebook and the quirky anti-valentiners.

The annoying couples on Facebook are there to make you feel shitty about being single. They take Valentine’s Day as an opportunity to show the world just how in love they really are, and how much you’re missing out. Theyre more into looking like theyre in love than actually being in love. Theyre the type of couple that thinks a darkly lit restaurant with only five tables in it and a 45-minute wait is fancy, just because its partially owned by Ryan Gosling. They celebrate Valentine’s Day for the Facebook and Instagram likes because their relationship has recently gone stale and their unsure of what to do now that everyone has stopped paying attention to them. Their date nights are spent either on their phones or asking strangers to take pictures of them, with said phones, because their bond is as superficial as it is fragile. You know that timeless philosophical question: If a tree falls in a forest and nobody’s around to hear it, does it make sound? Well if their relationship is the falling tree, the answer is: it didn’t make a fucking whisper.

The annoying couples on Facebook are there to make you feel shitty about being single.

Sir Isaac Newton once said that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. That is how the quirky anti-valentiners operate in relation to the annoying Facebook couples. They are two of sides of the same annoying-ass coin. Quirky anti-valentiners are the annoying Facebook couples main target audience, because theyre the only ones dumb enough to find pictures of couples hiking cute. Theyre just as bad as those Facebook couples because they take Valentine’s Day just as seriously. They love posting about quirky stuff like cats and Harry Potter trivia. They find That moment when vines hilarious. They love terribly written listicles entitled 22 ways you know that youre dating an introverted extrovert which by the way, doesn’t even make sense. Theyre not in a relationship, they love and the only that they can communicate any of this is, is also through BuzzFeed lists. Theyre the ones who talk about their wine drinking as if its an actual vice. They #relationshipgoals, but not ironically. The only difference between them and the annoying Facebook couples is that at the moment, they are in-between one of their sub-par and similarly doomed relationships.

Both groups fail to see Valentine’s Day for what it really is the monetization and exploitation of real human sentiment for profit. Theres a reason that every romantic comedy and rip-off comes out around this time of the year. It’s not an accident that jewelry sales go up 200% either. People are barraged with a constant stream of media and convinced that one item or another is fundamental to the celebration of their special day. They (Not a DJ Khaled they, but more of a The Man) use culture tradition to sling their worthless shit. Flowers and chocolates and diamonds have no inherent value to them, but weve been, for lack of a better word: indoctrinated into associating these things with love, which is obviously preposterous.

That being said, it’s not our fault that weve come to associate love with something as trivial as Valentine’s Day. This type of cultural hypnosis is more common than you would think. Black History Month and Womens History Month are by definition, only a month long, which begs the question: what is history the rest of the time? You would think that these things are important enough to be incorporated into daily life outside of the month of February, but apparently not.

Systematic oppression aside, in the social media era, where images rule our world, sharing and accessibility are everything and that means that an idea that cant be expressed in 140 characters or less doesn’t really exist. Our image-driven media has given way to corollary marketing. Meaning that, with our eyes peeled, style, weve been bombarded with constant seasonal sales and celebrity endorsements that train us to associate everything we like with shit that we dont really need. LeBron wins-LeBron wears beats-I wear beats-I win.

In psychology this phenomenon is known as conditioning. In Pavlovs famous conditioning experiments, he found that his dog subjects began to salivate not only when meat was presented to them, but also more significantly, when the person feeding them came into proximity with them. It turns out that the dogs had been inadvertently trained to associate the person feeding them with the food itself, and therefore reacted in a similar way to the feeders. Its the same train of logic that leads parents to yell at children when they misbehave. The child learns to associate bad behavior with the punishment and is then discouraged to misbehave in the future. If you think that Im comparing people to bags of salivating meat like dogs, thats exactly what I am doing.

Christmas, Independence Day, Thanksgiving, etc. how do we actually celebrate holidays? Do we associate them with their sentiments or do we associate them with their paraphernalia? Not to be repetitive but Coca-Cola created our modern-day Santa Claus, and nowhere in the bible does it say anything about Christmas trees.

Valentine’s Day is an especially clear example of conditioning because it so obviously has nothing to do with what its supposed to be celebrating. When it comes to Christmas, one could point out the irony in people spending 80% of their time away from the people they love, doing a job they dont like, to buy shit that they dont need, for the family that they dont see, because theyre doing a job they don’t like, to earn money for shit that they dont actually want in the first place. However, thats beside the point. In this system, people need to work to live and thats that. So one could say The Holidays are a good thing because they offer a quick reprieve from all of that slavery work.

Valentine’s Day is an especially clear example of conditioning because it so obviously has nothing to do with what its supposed to be celebrating.

Valentine’s Day is a made up space for people to act as if theyre in love. For couples that are actually in love, every single day is basically Valentine’s Day. They go on dates and pretend to like each others friends, do all of those other countless little things that make love, love. So single or taken, I encourage you to avoid the typical Valentine’s Day fuckery like its TIDAL and do this instead:

Go Out

Obviously there are going to be some awesome drink specials that night so you would be a fool not to take advantage of them. If youre single, so what if all of your close friends are with their significant others, text that girl or guy youve been meaning to ask out and just go for it.

If BuzzFeed is any evidence, quirky, single, anti-Valentine’s day celebrations are all the rave now. A night spent masturbating and stalking your ex on Facebook could be spent getting to know someone new. That being said, whatever you do, do not pay for their drinks youre not dating, youre single ().

If you aren’t single, move your date night away from that stuffy faux French restaurant with the set menu and over to your sad neighborhood bar with all of the middle-aged alcoholics. The drinks are strong and nothing will reinforce the sanctity of your relationship more than the sight of old men drunkenly singing to Journey.

Romance Yourself

If youre one of those unhappy single people, go take a look at yourself in the mirror and slap yourself-in face, really, really hard. Yeah youre alone on Valentine’s Day, but youre alone most of the time anyways, so dont be upset. Think about it, you could be hiking or brunching, or if the relationship has really gone bad your girlfriend could be throwing a champagne bottle at your face or instagramming an anonymous love poem you sent her with the caption Who sent me this?!

Being single isnt about going out every weekend and trying your hardest to catch gonorrhea, its about taking care of yourself the same way you would for another person. Remember how your livelihood depended on that one person? Do you remember how much time you spent imagining new ways to impress them? Dont let those sappy commercials and movies get to you, they are just trying to get you to spend money on shit that you dont need. Get a pizza, watch , rub one out like a champ, and go into work the next day fresh.

If you are in a relationship, forgot about all of those activities that you think you should be doing and be selfish instead. Get a pizza, watch , have some mind-numbing average sex, and fall asleep in each others arms. Itll be way cheaper and ultimately, way more satisfying than paying someone to write I

Save Money

On Valentine’s Day, flowers and chocolate appreciate in value at an alarming rate. So count your lucky stars that youre not wasting your money on a relationship thats literally subject to who does and doesn’t like your Instagram pictures. Valentine’s Day doesn’t mean shit anymore because anything that once resembled romance has been adopted and bastardized into just another cheap, tourism-store snow globe level trinket. For some reason loving someone isn’t enough you have to buy them jewelry, chocolate, roses, heart-shaped paperweights, etc. It doesn’t matter, really just as long as its red, expensive, and impresses his or her Facebook friends.

So if youre in a relationship keep it kosher, keep it tasteful; buy a pizza and watch Your single friends will hate you less when you tell them about it the next day.