#i actually cant even close ir anymore

[pup-pee]

yeah sure ill post this sketch y not

yk that flamingo audio? ANWYAYS I WATCHED THE VIDEO RECENTLY B CB I T WAS IN MY RECOMMENDED-

[midwestemoismid]

i dont know what is wrong with me ok i just need to rant i know a lot of these words wont make sense im just copy and oasting messages i sent to my friend because im to lazy to type also bad grammer

bro i cant physically exist without pain what the fuck is wrong with me why am i like this oh my fucking god everything is so loud what the fuck why can i hear every single little noise why is everything screaming at me what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what theufjc fufikc fuck fuck fucj fuck why is everything so loud why is everything so loud why what the fucj also dont force yourself to rwply if you dont want to im just ranting because idk what else to do

omfg im gonna claw out my arms and lefs i swear to fucking god why am i always in pain

i hate laying on my back but if i lay on my side i have to keep switching everytime bc it starts to feel wrong and yneven

and anytime something brushes against me on an uneaven wag i freak out and irs so overstimulating

also impulsive thoughts fucking shck

its so bad when im overstimulated to like rn i cant look at things that are uneven ir it just bothers me i cant explain it but wtf

om js severely overstimulated, but im not overwhelmed and im rlly tired but i can sleep bc my brain is hyper and idk what to do or how to explain my deelings

bro i fucking hate impusive thoughts or iust existing because i was on a boat today and i had to close the window because all i could think about was theowinf soemthing important out the window or jumping out thw windoe anns i just couldnt mi dont fucmign know

everytjings so overstimulateding i dont know khow to deel with my problems

it feels like wverythings against me right now and i have the cinstant feeling of dread or if i an going to dies oom pleade i dont want to go please o dont want to fuckig die im scared to go to sleep because what kf i dont wake up ive been fucking forcing myself awake skmetimes because of the dread that im not going to wake up im afraid of death what the fuck is going to happen i dont know whats going on anymore why cant i lige in the moment why id time moving so fast why id everything going on i cant keep uo with everything im not okay rnw im not ok what the tukkf isngoing on on in onj dont know wholw to express my feelings or thoughts so im just typing wverything i tuonk without tmaftially thinking because i dont fucking care rn i jutst doknt knkw what to do im sfared i feel like something is out to get me i feel like imm trapped and alone o feel fucking lsot what is going on i sont fucking knkw im sfated scared who am i because i dont even fucming know am i actually real pr is thos all a dream becausre i dknt wevn fucking knkw at rhis point im so fixking scatd that egeruthing js fake and all these memlries lf existinf is fake im here right now but what jf im jot what if indont fucking know SHIT THE FUCK UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SUIT UP SHIT UP SHUT IL O AHYE THESE THOUGHTS I DKNT WAKNT TO THINKA BOUT DEATH OR WHAT HAPPENS I JUST WANT TO BE FUCMING NORMAL WHAT THE FICK IS WRLNG WITH ME.

also 4 the ppl ik irl/online on here plz dont he worried about me im ok this happens a lot i just need to sleep and calm down and shit ok jm ok these are just my constant tjought (om pretty sure a lot of this is caused by ocd i was told) also i am safe and im not gonna act on any harm against myself or anyone else bc its all impulsive thoughts and ik im not gonnq do anything

[lukiren]

god the feeling of being fucking worthless garbage is back. im so alone again. my friends hate me again. I cant be adjusted and normal for 2 fucking seconds of my life. i cant stand any of it when their gazes pity and somber on seeing me like i cant even escape being the failure here in front of people who have never worked a part time job and never needed it and never wondered how they would feed themselves im outclassed, lower class pretending to be middle, they exclude me now not because they hate me but because they hate hearing me have to dejectedly back out of something thats too expensive because i cant fucking cut it. im a poor bum on the fucking street to them.

im just so full of ire today. I cant fix it. I dont want to either, im tired of pretending like im not actually mad because im fucking enraged all the time. god im so lonely. i dont want to be alone right now but im incapable of asking for help, and i know in my heart my friends would never turn out for my suicide attempt. thats what burns the most. no one would get together to discuss my safety. one person cares and i cant even see them because of how busy they are these months but god do i need to see them do i need to curl into their arms and close my eyes and wont anyone comfort me or reach out to me this is a cry for help ive been screaming for help all this time and no one will do anything no one cares enough to do anything and to offer me your meds??? like im a dog again. begging for scraps. rich fucking asshole would rather offer me meth than just ask as a friend ONCE IN ANYONES FUCKING LIFE IF IM DOING OK. OR OFFER TO SEE ME WHEN I HAVENT SEEN ANYONE SINCE I FORCED THEM TO GET TOGETHER WITH ME. TALK TO ME. PLEASE DONT LEAVE ME ALONE I CANT EVEN BREATH MY OWN AIR ANYMORE PLEASE PLEASE GOD I WANT TO CRY SO BADLY BUT IM SO FUCKING HOLLOWED OUT RIGHT NOW IM A HUSK I CANT TAKE THE DEAD END JOB AND THE RACISM AND THE AIMLESS ABANDON OF THE PEOPLE AROUND ME AND THE SUCCESS OF MY FRIENDS ONLY REMINDS ME HOW MUCH I FUCKED UP I JUST SAY SHIT JUST TO HEAR ANYONE SPEAK TO ME LIKE IK A PERSON AND NOT JUST COMMUNICATING IN VIDEO GAMES

[gingeraleluke]

🎀

I really want to know what you think about this one! but like imagine this, vinnie is on live stream and YN thought that he was just playing and they were dating but no one really new and you had AirPods on with booty shorts and one of vinnies shirt on and you just go on his lap and hug him? And the chat goes crazy everyone is trying to figure out who u are because they can’t see ur face because ur ass is literally in the view all they can see is your tats and vinnie hugs you back gives u kisses and u whisper something into his ears and he turns red and is smacking ir ass ……yeah… I would really love this one…. Im sorry if it’s too much to ask, I actually I’m not even sure if ur going to see this one because the other ones I sent seem to be not sent. Someone the other day said that they didn’t get anything but I think it’s because oh my phone.. idk but yeah hope u have a great day

okay, i didn’t know how to write this without it being super uncomfortable and weird for the viewers of the livestream, so i changed somethings to make it more realistic and respectful!

BASED ON THIS PICTURE

maybe y/n was being greedy, but she wanted to spend some time with her boyfriend. she woke up with a burning feeling of something that could only be described as love, and she found herself smothering vinnie all morning. after going out to breakfast and lunch, the two of them went on to do their individual tasks— his being streaming, and y/n’s being cleaning the house.

as badly as she wanted to peek her head in and check on him every now and then, just to see his face, she knew she couldn’t. his fans didn’t know that they were together yet. she wasn’t even sure if they knew that he wasn’t single anymore.

she tried her best to hide her tracks. cropping him out of pictures and keeping her instagram on private. it sucked. while she wanted everyone to know how lucky she was, she knew that she would be judged and sent hate for the rest of her life. being a secret was the best option for them.

she began tidying up the living room, swaying her hips to the music playing in her airpods. she wore booty shorts and one of vinnies shirts. her hair was up in a messy bun to keep it out of her face and she wore fuzzy socks on her feet to keep her warm. as she dusted and cleaned the tv, she began to miss vinnie’s presence. whipping out her phone, she texted her boyfriend.

y/n 🤍

let me know when you are done ;) 😘

why am i so needy today?

she plugged in the vacuum and began to roll it on the carpet. vacuuming was always her favorite chore. she found it satisfying and fun to do while listening to music, plus it was a good workout. she could feel the carpet become warm under her toes as she maneuvered her way through the carpet.

“hey!” vinnie tried to get her attention, a serious look on his face, despite how silly his girlfriend looked dancing. he picked up a pillow and threw it at her. taking out her earbud, she turned to him.

“what?”

“you’ve got to keep it down.”

“why? are the feds here?” she joked.

“y/n, i’m streaming—“

“OH!” guilt washed over her, “i’m sorry, i forget.”

he didn’t reply as he stomped away and back into his room, leaving y/n feeling embarrassed and shitty.

◦◦,`°.✽���✽.◦.✽✦✽.°`,◦◦

around fifty minutes of cleaning later, she got a text from vinnie.

vinnie 💕

okay.

hmm, that was a short stream.

she skipped her way to the gaming room, keeping her music playing. she hummed along to a taylor swift song as she ran in and plopped on his lap. her eyes were closed, showing just how much she knows that room. she doesn’t even need her eyes open to know where his chair is. she could feel the hem of his black tee shirt and wrapped her arms around her neck, keeping her eyes closed.

“CANT YOU SEE THAT IM THE ONE WHO UNDERSTANDS YOU, BEEN HERE ALL ALONG! SO WHY CANT YOU SEEEEEE?” she sang as vinnie’s hands gripped her ass. she straddled him and wrapped her arms around him, in a hugging position.

vinnie was still streaming, but she didn’t know. when he texted her ‘ok’ he was saying it in response to the message she sent him an hour ago. he hadn’t checked his phone and assumed that the message was recent. he couldn’t shout her name, because then the fans would know her name. he just sat there shocked as comments fled in about who’s ass was in the frame and who was screaming the lyrics to an old taylor swift hit. they took notice of the large tattoo that was on the back of her right forearm. she had multiple large tattoos throughout her body, but they couldn’t see that since she had a large tee shirt on and no leg tattoos. the camera cut off the whole upper part of her body.

“YOU BELONG WITH MEEEEE! YOU BELONG WITH MEEE!”

vinnie’s eyes went fishing for negative and ugly comments, but surprisingly, most of them were positive! the meanest ones he could find were just jealousy induced, while most people were cheering her on and even flirting with her.

@ userone: PLEASEE WHO IS THIS I LOVE HER

@ usertwo: YESS SING

@ userthree: WHAT IS HAPPENING 😀

@ userfour: 🍑

@ userfive: ALL THE LESBIANS IN THE STREAM ARE GOING WILDDD

@ usersix: IM SORRY VINNIE, BUT WHOEVER THAT IS, SHES MINE NOW

@ userseven: does anyone know who this is?

@ usereight: VINNIE WHO IS THIS??!🙁

leaning back, he wrapped his arms around her and nuzzled into her neck, kissing her collarbone as the song ended. he sat up so the camera could see his face.

she took out one of her airpods, “that song is so romantic, we should honestly add it to a sex playlist.”

vinnie’s face went red as he contained his laughter, hoping no one heard what she said. “i’m joking, but also…. lowkey not.”

“i’m on stream, babe.” he whispered.

y/n’s whole body stiffened and she quickly jumped off of his lap. “WAIT, THEY LOVE YOU!”

y/n fled, her legs moving faster than she even knew was capable. her hip slammed into the table as she ran, but she didn’t care. one of her airpods fell onto the floor as vinnie tried to get her to stay.

“THAT IS SO EMBARRASSING!!” she whined, slamming the door shut.

as she began to walk down the hall, the stream could hear her shout, “THEY ALL SAW MY ASS!”

vinnie chuckled, “that’s my girlfriend. i’m sure she will come and meet you guys one day.”

COME AND JOIN THE SLUMBER PARTY!

[ayellowcurtain]

I read the original idea, but hopefully Robbe is not the one who keeps looking for him, I think Sander should take that step. It would be great if you added Robbe realizing that distance is necessary, and begins to enjoy this little separation and realizes that he loves Sander but also respects his decision and will wait for him to return to speak.

Please tell me there's a 3rd part coming soon Please post the next part sooon. Sander needs to stop ignoring robbe like this, my heart cant take this much angst :((

Sander please talk to Robbe and don't ignore him like this :(

Part 2 

Robbe stops his cart in the middle of the empty aisle, getting his phone from his pocket, unlocking to change to the next Bowie song. He checks the list he made earlier to see what he needs to get after his favorite cookies. 

His mom is gone for the weekend, she even asked him to go with her to visit his grandparents and the city she grew up in, her friends but Robbe was enjoying being alone for the past four days and so he wanted to enjoy the weekend by himself.

He had completely forgotten about his phone when she handed it back to him before leaving.

“I’m horrible with numbers, but I think it’s been more than a day,” she said softly and Robbe smiled at her, holding ir carefully, adjusting to the size and weight of his phone, scared to turn it on.

He left it charging while we went to eat something with Jens around the corner from his house and while he was taking a shower and making the list of the things he would need for the weekend. Knowing his phone existed and was being charged gave him anxiety, worried of what he would find, so he had to look before leaving the house.

No new messages from Sander, but he posted another photo. Robbe clicked on the notification and he recognized it right away. The night before he met Sander, Moyo had spilled beer on Robbe’s jacket and they had no way of washing and drying his jacket quick enough, so Robbe left his jacket outside that night, using the old fridge as a hanger.

Sander took a picture apparently, and never showed it to Robbe. He liked the photo and moved on to watching Sander’s stories as he ran downstairs. He saw the big city running past Sander while he was sitting on the train, listening to Fleetwood Mac, one of Robbe’s favorite bands, just a few hours earlier. 

He saw his boyfriend’s eye and the train seat behind him, his hair pecking out of his hoodie on the selfie he posted two hours ago. And the last one was Adi filming Sander sitting right next to him, not as excited or easy to make smile like the other day.

“Someone’s grumpy today. Missing home, the big baby. Acting like he didn’t have the time of his life with us-” Robbe closed instagram and got on his bike to go buy what he needed.

After checking the list one more time, Robbe checks the time and day.

It felt such a long time until this day, until Sander’s arrival and now it feels like he’s not ready to see him again, nervous if Sander will contact him or not, if they’ll keep their distance for longer while living just a few minutes away from each other.

As the screen is slowly fading back to black, Robbe gets a notification, and another one and another one. He sees Sander’s name for half a second and it’s more than enough for his heart to start beating fast while he presses the button on the side, unlocking his phone and opening their conversation.

to Robbe: I’m home

I miss you

Can we meet?

Robbe puts the ketchup inside his cart and stops again, finally texting Sander back, not starting a conversation for once.

to Sander: Yeah

I’ll be home in twenty minutes or something.

He doesn’t check for what he needs anymore, going straight to the cashier to pay for everything he managed to buy in the time he had before the messages.

Robbe cannot believe the two weeks long separation is finally over. The cold, minimal answers he got from Sander made him feel unwanted, like he was bothering his boyfriend, asking for attention when he shouldn’t, and Robbe took care of himself in the past few days. Hearing from Sander that he wants to meet is always the best feeling.

From the time he got the message to him unlocking his house it takes exactly twenty minutes, he checks on his phone to see if he has any spare minutes to take a shower and clean up. 

As soon as he unlocks the door, the intercom rings in the kitchen. Robbe rushes to let Sander in, putting his bag on the counter as he goes back to the door empty handed, holding the door to give himself something to hold on to.

The elevator is completely quiet, but then Robbe hears quick steps behind the emergency door. They stop for a long moment and Robbe frowns, wondering if he just opened the door to someone else, but then Sander pushes the heavy door open and there he’s, standing across the narrow hallway, surprised to see Robbe there, with the door open.

“Hey…” Robbe tries, hoping his smile seems more genuine than what it feels. He’s just worried about how things are between them after two weeks apart, the longer they’ve chosen to stay away from each other, ever.

“Hi…” Sander pushes his bag up on his shoulder. He’s still wearing the clothes from early on the train ride, with his big backpack over his shoulder and a messy hair that Robbe is sure was caused by a little nap against the train window.

“Did you come straight here?”

Sander nods his head, finally coming closer, still careful with every tiny step he takes, but Robbe watches him, letting Sander stand right in front of him, so close Robbe has to hold himself not to kiss or hug Sander without his permission.

But then Sander leans closer, almost brushing their lips against each other and Robbe opens his mouth and closes his eyes instantly, waiting in anticipation for a kiss that never happens, so he sighs, desperate now, one hand cradling Sander’s face and the other arm around his neck, standing on his tiptoes so he can put his hand at the top of Sander’s head, gently holding his hair, feeling how he shakes when he opens his mouth, licking inside his boyfriend’s mouth to see his reaction.

Sander finally kisses him desperately, one arm around his waist, his fingertips pressing hard against the small of Robbe’s back and the other hand holding the back of Robbe’s shirt tightly, keeping them pressed against each other while Sander walks them inside, closing the door behind him.

Robbe has to stop the kiss way too early, out of breath, still so relieved they’re good he can’t really focus on anything else.

“I’m sorry for being an asshole.” Sander says first, pressing his forehead against Robbe’s, kissing his whole face. They’re holding each other so tightly Robbe can feel how fast Sander’s heart is beating, almost as fast as his own. He nods his head, hiding his face against Sander’s neck, smiling from ear to ear.

“I’m sorry for what I said and for not giving you the space you asked me to.”

Sander sighs, dropping his bag on the floor to give them some more room to hold on to each other.

“Please, never give me space. I don’t need it. This was the stupidest idea ever.” Robbe can’t help the relief it is to hear those words coming out of Sander’s mouth, but he looks up anyway to make sure Sander isn’t just saying that to please him, “We have more than enough time away from each other with our different schedules. Being apart for days is a bad idea. I thought I was actually going insane.”

Robbe smiles, really looking at his boyfriend now, like anything really changed in him in two weeks.

“I love you, Robbe.”

He whines quietly, kissing the corner of Sander’s lips, “I love you so much,” Robbe bites the inside of his mouth, trying to find the right words to say, “But whenever you need space, please tell me, okay? And I’ll step back.”

Sander sighs loudly, rolling his eyes, looking at Robbe with that look that makes all his insides warm and soft like butter.

“You’re my best friend, you’re the best person I’ve ever met. I like being around you. I liked you since the first second I saw you, even before we were together. I wouldn’t trade my time with you with anything else. Even if we spend the rest of our lives together, it won’t be enough time with you.”

Robbe closes his eyes, putting his forehead against Sander’s to stop himself from crying. He hugs him tightly again and Sander holds him by his thighs, carrying him inside, kissing his face, whispering sweet nothings to his ear.

Sander puts him down when they get to his bedroom and Sander starts taking his clothes off to go take a shower. Robbe keeps thinking about Sander and Adi, two weeks together without Robbe in between them, how much he must have annoyed Sander, making him hear all of Adi’s opinions about Robbe.

“And Adi?” He has to ask and Sander doesn’t flinch, continuing to take his pants off.

“What about him?”

“He’s your best friend. And he hates me.”

[sukirichi]

[ BROKEN RECORDS ; asks ] 

💌 — love letter from @kyriaan​

from track 007. 

Okay okay im still kinda meh'ish' but i really wanted to answer you so 😭 ill try to compile both my answer to your answer on my love letter and my hyped review on track 7 <3 so yeah another long ass rant from me 😩💕Suki... Suki pls I totally forgot Tsumu had a crush on us Suki... And then poor Tsumu ir there sulking cause he still likes u- JFBFBDVDVSJCHDHSIA omfg i wanted so much to hug him my baby I like him so much 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 and he was trying so hard to behave while just sitting there sad fhfhfvbbshsjfhbdjaofhffhsoshd TSUMU YOU'RE STILL IN MY TOP 3 BABY 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂 

And then you throw the whole dancing scene with suna and I dont know whos on my top 3 anymore 🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃 SUKIIIIIIII THAT SCENE ALONE GJGJBFBSJCNFNKSOSNF OMFG IM FALLING SO HARD FOR SUNA I THINK? I think my top 3 had 4 dudes in it cause 3rd place has Suna and Atsumu tied?? Hfhfbfbfhdhsja I CANT PICK?? BUT BUT I WAS FEELING STUPIDLY DOWN WHEN READING THAT AND THAT SCENE ALONE MADE ME FEEL SO SOFT IT WAS SO CUTE AND OMG IF SUNA DID THAT TO ME I WOULD DROP ON MY KNEES AND ASK HIM TO MARRY ME CAUSE OMFGGGFFFF DUDE EVEN WENT AHEAD AND SAID THAT WHOLE 'HES GOING TO BE ONE LUCKY GUY'

Oh shit im crying again that scene lets me emotional 😭😭😭😭 someone get me a sunrin irl pls

Anyways the way that suna knows y/n is just.... FUCKING END UP TOGETHER ALREADY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST JBVSHSJBEHSISJ

Also how powerful are we?? HOW FUCKING POWERFUL ARE WE TO SCORE SUNA KITA AND TSUMU?? ARE YOU GONNA TELL. ME IF OIKAWA MOFO TOORU APPEARED HE WOULD ALSO BE ON HIS KNEES FOR US?? (okay no wait... No nooo i would legit drop anyones ass for tooru hes that powerful for me like sorry suna was fun but TOORU)

Yo nah but the whole Kita sex scene- let me breath bestie LET ME BREATH CAUSE I WAS HOT BUT AT SAME TIME I WAS FEELING GUILTY 😂😂😂😂 ESPECIALLY WHEN HE WAS FEELING DISAPPOINTED NEXT DAY LIKE KITA PLS BABY WHAT WERE YOU EXPECTING?? 😬😬😬😬 But at same time his 'ill fuck the thought of him out of you tonight' I ALMOST MOANED YASSSSS TELL ME DADDY HOLY SHITTTTT

👀👀👀👀 Still not a kita simp ✌️✌️🤏✌️

Okay Kita deserves the best tho I mean okay he went there as a y/n mom's plan but he did ended up helping alot... Especially cause he knows no matter what y/n heart will always be suna's and pls give Kita the best ending possible cause he deserves someone who will trully love him and show him the world cause mah boy deserves it

*breaths in breaths out* i hated this scene- not in a bad way but shit i hate rejections... To the point im kinda afraid of confessing now cause i despise the feeling of being rejected... The best i can descrive it it like this coldness in your chest that descends your whole body and then you feel frozen in place.. Thats how it feels for me I hate it I absolutely despise it- its also the feeling i have when in a really bad situation and ugh...

The suna part made. Me feel this no matter how many times i reread it the feeling doesnt lessen it keeps being there cause (okay you probably are tired already of me saying this but) Suki I feel like I cant put it in words how much of a fucking good of a writer you are. Ill go ahead and say you are by far my favorite writer the fact i always feel so engaged and the fact i always feel like im there its just- it blows my mind.

I felt like suna was personally rejecting me and i hated it- i swear the moment he said prove it I almost screamed HOW? My brain had to take a moment to just slap me and say: 'kya you reading this is not happening chill-' cause i was already sobbing uncontrollably... I even whimpered the dont leave me 😬 my sadass went to bed feeling so sad thanks to suna... Man i wanted so much to hug him and i swear i would give him as much love as he gave y/n cause well i kin suna alot in this series cause im like that im a giver i treat others the way i would like to be treated (reason why ive been down lately ✌️) and i cant blame suna for finally setting boundaries- his call tho 'do i not stand a chance with you anymore y/n? Are you really not capable of falling in love with me?".... Oh suna... We are in love with you.. We always were we're just fucking stupid 😩

Also mari pls go jump off a cliff <3 youre in need dear cause sleeping with other man just to separate suna and y/n <3 i want so much to punch her 🙂🙃

Now for the love letter part (im so sorry for this being so long ✌️)

You said that if we asked suna he woukd say that he genuinely loved mari okay... Ill go ahead and say yes he liked mari he even learned how to love her and he genuinely cared for her BUT and heres where my personal view comes in so maybe ill be biased here still for me that was just a he loves her as in he cares you also love your friends and care for them but he didnt love her- and by this I mean- he could never be fully committed for her. Yes he loved her and he felt happy with her but like track 7 proved everything he would do in the back of his mind was y/n he deeply wished Mari was her and for that he just loved Mari cause he learned how to care about her- but he never forgot who he trully was in love it. Also the happiness he experienced with Mari was pretty much the one I experienced the bliss of having someone there and that bliss also made suna turn a blind eye to all the red flags from Mari cause to him all the jealousy meant she cared and thats toxic but suna was so desperate for some sort of 'she cares' that even all the possessiveness was bliss for him... And that makes my heart clench for suna...

'suna had to put an effort for the relationship' and saddly i feel like mari didnt... Mari didnt care mari was there because she was a fangirl of suna and got lucky, the way she just discarded him so effortlessly that proved-screamed how much she loved him- she didnt. She was just possessive over him she liked the whole 'hes mine' dynamic and suna was the perfect boyfriend cause he was giving her the world... What he wanted someone to do for him.

Also yeah suna and y/n might have been spurred from them being fuck buddies but well love doesnt really have an agenda- they just clicked, understood each other and had chemistry yeah they had tons and tons of sex but feelings started not because of sex but thanks to their deep connection... Also that dsncing scene in track 7 that alone spoke for their whole relationship- that alone is enough to defend their feelings for each other- yes it might jave started just as fuck buddies but ended up in them loving each other deeply and that is enough love after all doesnt need a perfect start. It can start out of the most stupid ways.

You said life with excitement and fun wouldn't be permanent or real.. Honestly i think it could be.. Cause i mean when you love someone that deeply your life always feels exciting even with the littlest things and that the purest kind of love. Even just going for a walk at the beach would be fun for them or even staying up watching movies i believe suna and y/n would always find a way to make their lofe exciting without much effort.

Also it kinda makes me. Sad when i see some anon saying that y/n and suna relationship are toxic? It makes me. Confused maybe because I was in such extremely toxic one (girl i sweat if you search for toxic relationship my ex's face will be there as an example 🙄) that Mari to me screams toxic! Possessive, manipulative, jealous and a few more if I think closely about it while with y/n and suna they are just two idiots that are hurting each other cause they're just that: idiots one that is afraid to get hurt and the other that keeps hoping- dont get me wrong what they're doing is not healthy but i dont find it toxic honestly

Sorry for the extreme long rant 8D I tried to keep it short but you always make me so hyped to talk about your works 😩

Hfbfbfhfhfieia

[ from saeren ]

NAHHH CUZ I LOVE TSUMU SO MUCH HERE HE WAS SO PRECIOUS. I didn’t write too much about them in college but Atsumu was so cute when he crushed on YN. he was always sending her memes and cute texts like “have you eaten” “good morning” and she’d feel so awkward because she doesn’t know how to let him down easy without hurting him. either way tsumu would feel hurt. AND YES PLS HE WAS SO SAD I MEAN, HIS CRUSH AND HIS BEST FRIEND NEARLY HAD SEX RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM SO THAT’S GOING TO HURT

SUNA AND ATSUMU TIED?? tbh I loved that dancing scene bcos suna is one of my faves and I really wanna do that with him hehehhehe. NAHHH PLEASE SAME IF SUNA DANCED WITH ME AND MADE A WEDDING PLAYLIST I’D BE LIKE boy what’re u waiting for let’s get married now !! n yes he said whoever YN will choose in the future will be one lucky guy IM SOBBING RN

naur cuz. there’s something about dating your best friend. I’m not saying a boyfriend wouldn’t know you as well but there’s something different when you’re best friends first. they could literally share eye contact and have a long ass conversation just from that. their connection is different.

HAJKALA AS FOR THE POWER, BR! YN IS A VERY CHARISMATIC AND FRIENDLY PERSON !! she’s like one of those people you meet that not only are they attractive as hell, but they’re also super approachable and down to earth. that’s why she’s so popular + she’s flirty and can make a stranger feel welcome or comfortable in the first meeting. SGSHJAK I WAS ACTUALLY PLANNING TO ADD OIKAWA HERE BUT I WANNA MAKE IT MORE INARIZAKI CENTRED

the seggs scene with kita SOBSSSS he’s such a soft dom IDC he knows where the clit is, he knows how to hit it. he’s a “your pleasure first before mine” type of guy. kita is perfect, PERIODT. HE GIVES DADDY VIBES HUH AHSKAA HE’S SO SWEET YET SEXY IM IN LOVE WITH HIM ISTG IF SUNA WASN’T OUR BEST FRIEND THEN I’D RUN FOR KITA ALL THE TIME. and I agree, kita deserves the best !! and don’t worry, I actually plan on giving kita the best ending, I promise you he’ll be fine (slight spoiler there)

 YESSSSS OMG I’VE BEEN REJECTED BEFORE AND THAT’S EXACTLY HOW I FELT, MY BODY WAS SO COLD AND I WAS SO CONFUSED LIKE IT MAKES YOU THINK. am I not good enough, did I do something wrong, do you not wanna give me a chance or try it out but ofc I’d never say that out loud. AND KYAAA AAAH IM YOUR FAVORITE WRITER??? NO CUZ YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE ME CRY. I remember ur asks way back reckless era and you used to tell me that my writing made you picture the scenes easily and you felt you were there in that moment and I’m just so grateful thank you so much <33

NO BCOS WHEN SUNA SAID “prove it” I was like. this is it. that’s his hot boy shit moment. man’s has had enough of being thrown from one toxic relationship to another and he also deserves his good moments yknow. and you kin suna here?? BESTIE IM SORRY TO HEAR THAT, SUNA’S BEEN THROUGH A LOT HERE AHSJAKA. that’s true about suna tho !! he’s definitely affectionate + a giver. he’s happy being the one who gives most of the time but he’s a human as well, ofc he’d want to receive the same amount of love back. ALSO HIS PHONE CALLLLLL ugh tbh that part was the one that made me the saddest bcos he’s just. he wants to know if there’s really no more chance. all this time he never gave up. but he’s also tired so if yn says ‘no more’ then he’ll give up. its his way of respecting himself too ahsjaka

YOOOOO I AGREE WITH THAT. he cares for mari as a person but not 100% as a lover. but ofc he’s still thankful for how happy she made him because she was there at his worst. and that’s true, deep down suna still wishes that it was YN who’s right beside him. he will always ALWAYS want her back. he learned how to love mari in a way that was more out of mutual care but not in the way he loves YN. no that’s reserved only for YN – she will remain no 1 in his heart. AND YESSSSS the reason why suna overlooked the red flags was bcos to him, its something that was supposed to be “normal” like no perfect partner existed. he thought mari’s attitude of pushing YN away was normal, and its normal to want your partner’s best friend keep some distance but not to the point of mari’s place where she literally wants the two of them to cut each other out of their lives.

and aww I’m so happy that you realized how I wanted to portray suna and yn’s relationship. they’re….like the definition of youth in its freest form. they were fucking around and doing stupid things, but they had a connection. they had something deeper than just sexual intimacy. even if they never dated or even if YN never proposed the idea of it, they would’ve actually been still great friends. and oooh I actually don’t remember saying life with excitement and fun wouldn’t be real HAHAHAHA so I can’t comment further on that. but I think when I ‘said’ those I probably meant that it’s not always going to be all rainbows and unicorns in a relationship. there’s no such thing as a relationship that’s always happy and sweet 24/7, but ofc it can be sweet and it can be pure even with the little things <33 they just need to work on it.

hmmm tbhhhh… suna and yn are toxic in a way that they refuse to let each other go when they clearly can’t meet halfway. toxic doesn’t have to be limited in just being mari-like in which they are possessive or manipulative, because then if we’d drive deeper into yn’s personality, then she’d be stringing suna all along and that’s unfair of her. she knows suna wants more and yet she remained being friends with him, which totally isn’t a bad thing, but it’s because she keeps flirting with him and is so romantically comfortable with him that she doesn’t realize it’s hurting suna because he’ll give double meanings to that. their relationship is ‘toxic’ because they’re not entirely good for each other, they’re not that ready to be with one another yet and neither is the world letting them be in peace, so forcing their relationship to a point they’re hurting another is the toxic part.

[ from @kyriaan ]

Ah also not me feeling all proud and mushy cause my analysis made you mind blown fjfbdnsjdkpa 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 I guess its also because i see this story as a really big mirror of my own toxic relationship sonits extremely easy for me to get it... And oh boy the way i kin suna here

But dhdhfjdospdhfbsoa 🥺🥺🥺🥺 i feel happy now *huggles*

[ from saeren ] 

and aah yes ofc, I’m really happy whenever someone can see the underlying details I scatter throughout the story !! yeah omg same hahahaha broken records is also half inspired by the toxic people I’ve met. I kin kita here tho and I’m so glad you’re happier now !!

[tumblunni]

OH FUCK I THINK I FINALLY CRACKED THE CODE OF WHY I ALWAYS LIKE THE VILLAINS BETTER

Like man it always makes me so confused cos i mean im a soft AF person and i always end up having sympathetic redemption headcanons for them so its not like i like VILLAINY ITSELF but what else do all these characters have in common?

Thats it. Thats it, ursula helped me crack it.

I just WANT THOSE TRAITS ON THE HEROES

I really want a nice confident sassy funny chubby trans auntie who promotes body positivity to our young hero and always gets to say the coolest lines and get the best moments and BE LOVED FOR WHO SHE IS

And like usually whenever you get anywhere close to seeing those "villain traits" on a hero they like.. Remove all the good parts. If you have a supportive hero aunt she's always boring and generically supportive instead, and has to look like the most stereotypical boring mess ans have a super small plot role and uuuugh thats IF SHES EVEN THERE i mean seriously aunties and grandmas are weirdly less represented as mentors than grandpas who are already REALLY HARD TO FIND and again OFTEN GENERIC AND UNFUN WHENEVER THEY GET TO APPEAR

And how damn often are we allowed to have a chubby gay aunt!! WHERE IS MY CHUBBY GAY AUNT!! ive met SO MANY chubby gay aunts in real life like 90% of all my psychologists have been either that or like.. The exact same but a straight lgbt ally instead. Sassy plus size aunties are THE BACKBONE OF OUR SOCIETY DAMMIT! I've had so much help thanks to sassy gay aunts!! And like even just looking at any damn crowd scene in a normal city centre youre gonna see so many chubby aunts and long nosed uncles and all those sorts of bullshit "ugly people" that mass media pretends are ugly and relegates to One Minor Role In The Entire Cast despite them being infinately more common than supermodels and NOT UGLY AT ALL GEEZ IT PISSES ME OFF SO MUCH

I cant believe im a fuckin disney villain fan cos of body positivity

Tfw u suck so bad at making hateable people that the fandom universally hugs all your villains and ignores your boring protagonists like fuckin TAKE THAT DIDNEY

God i wanna hug hades sooo bad he just needs a friend aaaaaa

And i mean its not just disney, every damn time ive obsessed over a villain its been because they have some trait thats supposed to be "bad" but its actually good and we dont get to see it on the heroes

Like my thing with science villains in particular is that when i first played ff7 i really liked the idea of an evil minion who's a bad sidekick not just because he's "dumb" or "bumbling" but because he's actually not interested in any of the evil stuff and he works against his own boss and is like.. Friendly to the heroes, i have no particular grudge against you and i wont stop you if im off duty and all. I liked the Turks for the same reason but in the origibal ff7 translation they were kind of stoic and serious and i didnt really become as much of a fan of them til i saw them being more goofy and comic relief in some optional sidequests and then their movie adaptation. But hojo was always being all "lol my boss's plan is so stupid amirite" and had that very memorable scene where he's just sunbathing and tells you everything you need to know to get to the next thing to ruin his boss's plan cos i mean fuck it who even cares im just here to soak up some sun while fully dressed in a turtleneck and labcoat. It sucked so much that he was such a reprehensible bastard with creepy sexual assault vibes and murder and child abuse and experimenting on people and basically just NOT A LOVEABLE VILLAIN but his CONCEPT held so much potential to be filled by a sympathetic character instead...

So yeah then cos of him i kept being obsessed with finding SOME CHARACTER SOMEWHERE that actually lived up tp that potential, and thats why i was instantly interested in charon from pokemon and totally on edge waiting for the slightest chance for him to become That Perfect Sass Gramps Of Legend. And then he was indeed sassy!! And had so little screenyime that there was potential for interpretation of him as potentially redeemable cos i mean the game never said he wasnt, the game barely said anything about him at all, lol. And he was so old and small and frail looking and i just wanted to protect him!! And then that one wifi event that actually hinted at synpatheticness!! Aaaa its a recipe for a Forever Fave~

And i guess maybe it all started with my grandma being awesome and me really missing her? Cos i had shitty abusive parents and she was my ONLY good family member who showed me what love was like. And she was also basically a supervillain. Like every damn supervillain trait except being evil! She was bombastic and confident and sassy and mischievious and loud and passionate about stuff and always had something funny to say and never gave up no matter how many times she failed. And she also used all that great power for the forces of good!

So yeh thats why i love sassy good guys and i hate that often even when a sassy villain gets redeemed they seem to lose all their edge and become more generic now theyre a good guy. Or they get totally sidelined with no screentime anymore, or they ONLY get to be comic relief and dont get the full and complex redemption they deserve. Or just a lot of bads!! Its never the simplest answer of just fuckin.. Keep the character the character. Thats kinda why i didnt feel too much for the maleficent movie even though the concept itself sounded like everything i ever wanted. The character in that movie is a very different person to origibal maleficent, she's more just a stoic tsundere mumsy figure than a hammy badass iconicness. Still a nice villain redemption but it felt like it would have been better as an original story instead of an attempted maleficent. Also i wish they handled it better with the whole "true love's kiss could be from your mum instead" thing cos i get sooooo grossed out whenever i see people shipping movie maleficent and aurora! Like yes sleeping beauty with lesbians would be great but not when one of them is old enough to be her mum and raised her like a mum and changed her goddamn diapers! Also why did they have to ruin the three good fairies just to make maleficent have the mum opportunity? Like just remove them from the story if you wanted maleficent to raise the kid instead. No need to rewrite them into incompetant assholes when they were everyone's fave part of the original! Dont sacrifice the rare and elusive Good Sassy Gay Aunts!! THEYRE LIKE THE ONLY ONES IN DIDNEY!!! (Incodentally merlin is the equivelant of this to hades as the fairies are to ursula)

Also also villains tend to have ACTUAL FLAWS in stories that have a more boring bland protagonist. I wanna see the story behind charon's neuroses and how he struggles with overcoming his temptation to be bad because of greed but ultimately manages to conquer his own negative side because power of friendship and such. Thats a great character arc that provides so much more than he does as a villain where they just wasted him entirely :(

SO BASICALLY IN SUMMARY

* villains are often more complex and well developed characters with flaws while the same wroter might make shitty heroes due to the illogical fear that nobody would root for them if they werent 100% perfect and successful at everything ever

* villains are also often made as negative stereotypes of minorities and other rarely seen traits, which means its easy to reach out to them and reclaim them as a more positive version when theres literally no other options for you to cling to

* the quite common accidental sympathy factor where a villain will seem to be hated more than they deserve for their actions, ir unjustly punished so much that they feel like an underdog, since the writer assumes you'll think theyre "more evil" for being a stereotype and if you dont agree that this thing is bad then it seems like they have way less sins than the story claims they do

* also sass. Sass is good.

But basically the whole root of it is that its stupid and cruel and doesnt goddamn work when you make villains bigoted stereotypes. It just makes me love them! The only person i hate when i see a stereotypical villain is the writer who thought that was a good idea, lol. Just imagine that meme of the samurai holding the cat but its me holding all disney villains!

Also even if a villain isnt outright intentionally meant to be "this minority is bad", it can still make me symoathetic to them if theyre still something thats rare amoung the hero side in the same series. Like charon being the "most unredeemable" villain despite being the most harmless and funny and his plan being so much less world destroying than cyrus, and also he's the only grandpa villain in like.. The whole of all. And he's drawn very much in that way thays supposed to be "ugly" i.e normal grandpa, vs that weird sort of younger than he looks grandpa that hero ones tend to be because blablabla beauty ewuals goodness anti body positivity whatever. Tho actually sinnoh was good with that, they had the best grandpa professor in my opinion cos he got to be sassy too! Rowan always reminds me of auron from ff10. Sinnoh was a good game where i liked a lot of both the heroes and villains even if i still had more villain faves cos i mean pokemon is always biased towards that for me since every game has a voiceless perosnalityless main character and often theyre the one doing most of the heroing with the supporting hero characters having surprisingly little proper screen time. Thats a big part of why i loved hau gladion and lillie in sun and moon! They felt more like a real friend group than any other ones before.

ANYWAY now im just going offtopic into more "i love lots of stuff about every pokemon game" so ill stop typing now

But just basically VILLAINS ARE GOOD COS THEYRE GOOD CHARACTERS and if those stories gavethe same character a good guy role then id still love them just as much, if not more. I dont specifically like villainy, its just that my definition of a good character is often considered a bad character by lazy writers, apparantly?

Also WHERE IS MY SUPPORTIVE GOOD GRAMPS CHARON GAME AND GAY AUNTIE URSULA GIVES YOU FASHION TIPS SMARTPHONE MMO

[dizaraksanar]

Masquerade (Pt1 of the Bloodbath Arc)

The manor hallway leading into the ballroom was bathed in gold. Nobles of all races mingled throughout the halls and danced in silken attire within the grand room. At one side of the dance hall stood tables of food and drink the occasional waiter slipping between guests with trays of finger foods and champagne. The end of the hall was decked in a single large chair, atop it rested a fiery red head whose eyes scanned the crowd in mock boredom. The crimson red and black gown clung to her form and draped in waves at her feet as she sat, the billowing sleeves adding drama to an already intriguing neck line. Somewhere across the ballroom Dizarak stood stiffly just outside the entryway, donning a long black vest with flowing black fabric to his ankles, black pants and a black long sleeve top hugged his toned figure. Ashraen tugged at the collar of his shirt before smoothing his vest, and a few stray hairs. He'd opted for an outfit, much akin to the one he wore during the Tavern's anniversary event, however, everything was carefully embroidered with light touches of gold. He'd even gone so far as to find a very nice pair of leather boots that only stopped when they reached his knees and were adorned with golden buckles, and glittering patterns.

He licked a long fang as he approached his mate, a few loose braids swinging lazily with that confidant gait he always seemed to have. A large hand was placed on the small of Dizarak's back as a breathy chuckle was offered. 

"Nervous? Don't be," he mused. "Aside from Moira, you'll outshine anyone in there. Besides, we're here to get out. Do something different. I... Wanted to spoil you a little." "Nervous is an understatement..." his hand idly tugged on one of his sleeves wishing he could be the skin just beneath it, hidden from view and anywhere but here. 

"You are sure we couldn't just go stand on Murder Row and call it a night? Bound to get preferable attention there than here." 

He grimaced at the crowd, his teeth tugging at the ever present lip ring, he could already tell the night would be spent attempting to make b-lines for the door for smoke breaks. The last time he had been to a gala he had been paraded around for potential wives. Ashraen opened his mouth and his ears sagged. He too eventually was chewing on his lip. This was a bad idea. Diz told him he wasn't about this life anymore and yet.... He wanted to see it. He wanted to see the man his mate seemed so convinced needed buried.

"Don't be like that, baby," he purred. In the slight shadows to the doorway, he bent and lightly nipped at the flesh of Dizarak's ear. "I needed to come for Moira and I didn't want to be alone. This is more your knowledge than mine. I thought... You might hate it less if I was here." 

His words trailed off and he was a bit put off by Dizarak's attitude, but he simply covered it with a smirk, and a smoldering gaze. He held out his arm for the other male as his opposite arm swept toward the doorway. He offered a partial bow of his form. 

Please don't leave me standing at the metaphorical alter.... 

Diz scowled, his mismatched gaze peering over at Ash. He was right...everything was more enjoyable with the golden eyed male by his side but he couldn't shake the sense of dread. In his scanning if the room he was relieved to not fully recognize anyone immediately. He slipped his hand into the crook of Ash's elbow and tugged him close, planting a kiss on the others lips in plain view of the attendees. 

It was all the Paladin could do to not take Dizarak to the floor with that kiss. He broke it with a slight pant and ran a hand over the end of his ponytail that was slung across his shoulder. Hoo boy, Diz was going to be the death of him.

Screw it. None of these people would recognize him....hopefully.

"Fine....for you." He said.

Ashraen tucked his free arm behind his back and kept the elbow of his other close to his side as he led them into the proverbial lion's den. It was a mix of scents that immediately assaulted him. Expensive perfumes mixes with the baser musk of emotion. Ire, desire, disappointment... 

Moira had really stacked her deck and when someone brushed past, Ashraen's head was snapping on a swivel to catch the scent with a heavy huff if breath.

All eyes swiveled to the void male, the weight of his presence palpable in the room. Silvermoon had been less than welcoming to his kind and rightfully so but with Ashraen and Moira's pull he had been allowed to attend the event provided he remain in Ashraen’s view while there. That didnt stop raised eyebrows. 

Moira kept watch from her perch, her hired guards told to keep the tall men comfortable and safe, even if that meant disposing of a noble or two. 

The dark haired male stood a little taller despite heafty gazes upon him, his hand squeezing Ashraen's arm once to draw his attention back. 

"You realize they think I'm here because I'm your property. Right?" He muttered glancing at a few of the people around them. Quickly he dipped his head in greeting to the older gentleman who approached them with what appeared to be his daughter. 

The older male spoke to Ashraen, "I didnt know they allowed slaves at these events? However did you manage to smuggle him in?" 

Something in Dizarak snapped, he slipped his hand free and extended it toward the older man "Perhaps you'll forgive my forwardness but I wasn't aware they allowed ancient relics either. I'll forgive you for the comment about my being a slave. Cant blame ignorant people for not knowing to whom they speak. Dizarak Sanar of the Sanar Noble line." 

It was as if the other male choked on his drink, quickly he dipped his head in respect and pressed his forehead to the back of Diz's hand before scurrying off.

The exchange was a whirlwind of quickly executed actions that nearly had Ashraen crawling after Dizarak as he moved about the room. Throwing physical weight around was one thing, but seeing his lover throw political weight around... The way he carried himself and addressed others... Sweet Light above.

Gold flicked to catch Moira from across the room and brows lofted quickly. She'd had her doubts. Excuse. His boy could fall back into line just fine. He simply chose not to, for whatever reason.

Ashraen was all too happy to follow Dizarak until a particular scent caught his attention. His head snapped around to locate the source and he seemed hyper fixated on the male he had located, conversing with a group. Young, up and coming thing that had a penchant for the nastier side of Silvermoon. He smelled of deceit, stale blood, and an updated desire that had Ash licking his fangs like an animal lining up his meal. He was so focused he had no idea that he was staring.

Dizarak had just finished turning away a young female elf who he could have sworn was about to swoon, when he turned back briefly to Ash. His face fell flat as he watched his mate stare at something that looked younger than Melisande.

With pursed lips Diz snapped his fingers next to the wolfs ear, no way in hell he would be ignored. This was Ash's idea and for once his mates wandering gaze drew unamused irritation. 

Moira grinned from her perch, watching the void male morph back into the Sanar noble she was familiar with tales of.

That same ear flicks and stiffened with the snap causing the copper male to look back at his partner. The look simply read confusion until Dizarak's own look was registered. His ears sagged dramatically and he coughed an awkward apology as he snagged glasses of champagne from a waiter? A quick sniff determined champagne and the glass was offered to his mate with an adverted look.

"I, ah, I think I know why she wanted me here," he mumbled. "Sorry, I..."

Another scent sent his eyes wandering over Dizarak's shoulder and he bit his lip, fighting to pull his gaze back to Diz rather sheepishly.

"Do us both a favor and memorize the targets for later. Tonight you brought me to this hell, and you're staying put." He accepted the champagne, more for something to keep his hands busy than actually drink. Personally he disliked the stuff, but he figured there was no spiced rum so this would suffice.

With a single hand Diz reached to and adjusted something on Ash's shirt, a wrinkle or something. He frowned.

"I am staying put, darlin'. I haven't even mo--"

As he spoke, his eyes had wandered again and the void male reached and turned the paladins head with a rough tug, "understood?" He bargained, "or you'll be returning to a locked bedroom door with both your mates behind it."

Golden eyes now widened with shock and completely focused on his mate as he attempted to find words. He was rather sure this was a spectacle for all, further cementing Dizarak as the Noble he claimed to be, but the Paladin suddenly didn't care.

Ashraen swallowed thickly, murmuring, "Y-Yes, Dizarak."

Once he was released, he would exhale a low breath, and take up his place beside, yet just behind his mate. The adjustments to his attire had him glancing at himself and oddly now concerned with his choice. Was he not appropriate? It wasn't as fancy as his partner? To be right honest, he was positive he paled next to his date. Ash was not of Noble line, after all.

(To Be Continued....) (Mentions: @courtingfate , @ashraenv ,A brief mention of @melisandemeadowshine) (OOC Note: This piece and the ones to follow are previous writing that are just now seeing the light of day but I and my RP partners are now comfortable sharing. Pieces for this may be posted based on which of the characters appears the most, this one clearly Dizarak and Ashraen, others may appear on Nerimoira’s tumblr be sure to follow the hastags to keep up with the tale)

[foreverbomb]

emotional/rant stuff below the cut.

these past few months have been frustrating in such a unique way. it feels like everything's coming apart in all personal terms possible. on the surface level im irritated by 'normal' stuff like my job sucking or maybe not having enough money to do things, typical shit; but deep within i feel this swirling agony and frustration with the fact that i'm just not. understanding people anymore. i almost cant recognize groups of people at this point, i don't feel almost any kind of camaraderie because everyone who insists they're close to me just. they're interested in only a small sliver of the shit i'm into but they're nothing like me, the stuff they do or praise is shit i'd never get into or actively have a disdain for and it gets to me. it makes me feel like they don't actually know a god damn thing about me. and this isn't to say that i just hate all the people i know now, i still like them i just. it's so crushing to feel like i'm completely on the sidelines watching them all do something. i could be smack dab in the conversation and activity but i'll still feel like i'm not being seen or understood at all. i guess that's my fault for marketing myself as just a funny guy with a two-bit act and interests and it's all just finally catching up to me. I feel like nobody takes me or anything i create seriously; it's half the reason i want so badly to break away from the bullshit i got myself in now to do something personal. If i hyperfocus all my attention into something longform, something with context and stakes, and make actions and moves without having to spoonfeed or shitpost what's going on in my stories in scenarios, maybe they'll realize that it isn't all shits and giggles from me forever, maybe they'll *actually* pay attention, maybe they'll take the personalities and characters i make for more than just dime pieces. it gets under my skin anytime anybody says they love my characters; i don't have shit that actually explores who they are and i know damn sure i didn't sit down and have an hours-long conversation with you for you to actually understand them either. i understand they're being nice and trying to just drop a simple compliment, but my fucked brain just can't help but become skeptical and grimace at it every single time. it doesn't even have to be my characters, it could just as easily be another friend's. i know in my mind that whoever's saying that would never ask for a full sitdown to learn that character over in that case either so it just something that doesnt mean anything to me anymore. it doesn't help that i've probably developed the most puzzling hyperfixation to wash over the mentally bent crowd this season. i'm so passionate and interested in bullshit that is so hard for normal people to even consider being good in any way, it all just looks and sounds the same for them and every single time i get carried away and get so excited to share it i regret it with all of my fucking being. they don't even say anything rude but i can just taste the boredom and slight ire and i just feel all the more like i'm the only one who can find the good in the shit i enjoy. and in the same breath, there's people who actively are *into* the same thing but there's always something askew that stirs confusing feelings and i just have to duck away and subconsciously build up a wall like "you're interested in the thing i like but you're not like me at all, get the hell away from me." I don't WANT to be standoffish like that but my mind can't let me get close like that if things are off. honestly i might just be spoiled or maybe came up into all this social shit wrong in a way. i had a friend, the only person i'd call my best friend, way back for multiple years and they just. they treated me like i was so special all the time. whenever they made something for me it was *for me*, they didn't go and toss it out to the wolves; they made it specifically for me to make me happy; and of course i did the same for them! and they were almost always willing to talk about or engage with the stuff i became interested in, and i did likewise for them as well! but shit started changing, they started to step out into things the both of us always chided and made fun of or outright disliked (or at least i thought we both disliked); and i guess as a teen/kid i couldn't take it. Contact broke apart, conversations became quick, days went by with no words. they're back now, i can see them doing things; but they're not in my life; and infact i can see them doing the same thing they did with me with someone else who i've actively grown to dislike. this isn't even the thing that has me boiling over but it sits and stews in the back of my mind all the time. and this isn't even mentioning the deeply personal, private stuff that i can't get any kind of solace in either. I'm not right in all my feelings, thoughts, or perspectives here; i know that. It's just all how my fucking brain is taking everything and it's been fucking me up for a good while now. this rant isn't sorted out and i haven't sat on it to pick out every bit to make sense, it's all straight from the head right now. thanks for reading i suppose.

[ilygsd]

260119

ok se he called this friday (25/1) and asked to hang and i suddenly got my shit together i applied for a job, i started to wrap his christmas gift and make him this ugly card and plan for tomorrow etc etc

he had this ugly mask on that day. like this fake ass personality he has when hes out and im like ok so this is how its gonna be

we didnt event all abt the breakup

i was this close tp breaking down in front of him

yet he continues to tell me im pretty and asks me if i think he looks good and he was wearing those fkn glasses that makes him look hot and smart and i obsessed over them

ans then hes off buying a thing to his friend, hes all dressed ip and leaves me 2 h later for this friend and im like

okay

he said hed text me when he opened my present and he does

like 6 hours later when its 1 am and i guess he’s come home from his friend :——)

and hes over the top being weird and too much like ”omg thank u i LOVE IT ITS SO CURE IM GONNA SAVE IT”

and i low key wanna take it back bitch like that was when i loved u and u kinda liked me too

i dont want u to put my card together with the rest of the love letter shit uve gotten since the age of 10 when ppl started to confess to u

ughhhh im kinda PKSSEDDDDD

But then i tried to think more positivity because wow, positive is the new me :——)

and yeah maybe he just wanted to make ir easier for me, like im happy he didnt ghost me and that were still friends

but hey

then i asked him

did u for real break up over the phone

and hes like

it broke up after that night fight

and im like uhhhh so also over the phone??? and then u ignored me for several days???????

bitchhhhhhh

like i really was dumped i thought i was the one pushing him too far but jokes on me

i actually was dumped i had no idea that he broke up woth me back thEN

and i said why didnt u tell me

and hes like ”i said i cant deal with this negativity”

like oh yeah.............. uhm okay that was obvious.... not

and i also asked him why we’ee supposed to continue be friends and he dodnt even answer

SVSJSVKSJSLBEJDJSJSJSJJEJDJSJSUEURJSBS

I DONT WANT TO GET OVER GIM BUT I ALSO WANT TO

DO I EVENW ANT TO BE HIS FRIEND NO I WANT TO BE HIS DATE LMAO BUT I ALSO DONT BC THATS GONNA END THE SAME WAY OMGGGG I CANT BE HIS FRIEND AND SECRETLY HOPE FOR SMTH WHILE HES GETTING LAID ALL THE TIME I NEED TO FOCUS ON MYSELF AND GROW AND THEN JUST SEE HIM AS A FRIEND LIKE ALL MY OTHER FRIENDS BUT OMG I DONT VALUE MY FRIENDS IDK I DONT BOND WITH THEM UGHHHHH I ONLY BOND WITH ONE SINGLE PERSON AND THEYRE ALL THAT MATTERS FUCK FUCK FUCK WILL I HAVE TO WAIT FOR NEXT PERSON TO FALL VICTIM TO MY OBSESSIVE UNHEALTHY LOVE OR WILL I HOLD ONTO HIM AS LONG AS I CAN AND PUNISH MYSELF

why the fuck did he say i can still have his pics and his shirt (for awhile) like how TF IS THAT GONNA HELP ME DO U WANT TO TORTURE ME OR SMTH

omg chill no he’s just being kind and considerate

he even told u he could wear one of the shirts i bought him and give it back to me (for awhile?)

THINGS ARE SO WEIRDDDDDD HES SO WEIRDDDDD ITS SO AWKWARDDDDDD AND HIS EXPLANATION WAS

”well i cant just act all non human then we wouldnt be able to stay friends right”

LIKE WTF IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN U STILL ACTED NON HUMAN U ACTED LIKE WHEN WE FIRST MET YOU ACTED LIKE A FKN SOCIOPATH WITH THAT WEIRD CHARM OF URS AND WHILE I FELL FOR THAT THE FIRST TIME IT JUST MADE ME FEEL LONELY AF BC WOW U RLY PUT ON UR MASK WITH ME 100% LIKE I DONT KNOW U ANYMORE ITS IVER U JUST ”friendship mode on” WHAT DO U EMAN WITH NON HUMAN ARE U ANGRY AT ME OR SMTH I BET U DONT EVENW ANNA BE WITH ME U JUST SEE IT AS UR RESPONSIBILYTY BC OF UR GOD DMAN WEIRD CODE U JUST WANT TO BE MATURE AND DO THE RIGHT THING AND STAY FRIEND WITH UR EXES BC THATS HOW NICE AND GROWN UP YOU ARE

OMGGGGGGG I KNOW ALL UR FRIENDS ARE GIRLS BUT ARE ALL OF THEM PPL YOUVE DATED?? LIKE AM I GOING TO BE ONE OF THEM TOO MAYBE EVEN LESS SINCE U COULD BY THIS FRIEND OF YOURS A PRETTY EXPENSOVE GIFT WHILE U CANT EVEN BUY ME ANYTHING BUT STILL WANT ME TO BE UR SUGAR MOMMA

omg im sk frustrated obviously i dint mean anything i write im just dead

i just really miss him

wow i dont even love him i just love what i thought he could give me

but i still want him

i want it

what he gave me

SAFETYYYYYYY

CAAAAAAAALM

i need emotional stability and self love in my liiiiiife

fuuuuuckkkkk meeeeeeeee

[lonerism2105]

11/7/21 (archive)

i just dont know man... it feels whatever i perceived myself as is so fuckin incorrect. like i am just the opposite of what im supposed to be. my friends and i had a long talk and like they told me that i made everything about myself and that i dont sense another person's pain... that if someone tells me what they are going thru i say "oh yeah i went thru that" or "oh yeah no my friend went thru that". i just feel so shitty because that is not the person i wanna be. and why cant i share with people... like what makes me hesitare to share my things with others?? its just eating away at me when they said that i take more than i give... is it really true?? is that how people perceive me?? this is just fucking with my mind so bad... and about aarya... i just dont know man, her voice is ringing the loudest in my head... her words are like repeated stabs into my heart and they make me want to reach for the scalpel and actually hurt myself...

 • "dont you have other friends" this was legit a stab in my heart yikes like lol it made me want to stab myself

 • "sachi and i are going to always be closer to me than to you. she is MY best friend and she is always gonna choose me."

 • "you have no loyalty"

 • "i am saying this because we are already talking abiut it- sarah actually called me... you know how sachi is my best friend, sarah is my bff. she actually asked me how could you be friends with pani. like im actually disappointed- and the way she spoke shows that there actually hasnt been any growth since then." okay lets make one fact clear... i have never really spoken to or been that close to sarah and eleventh grade me idk... i dunno what caused her to jump to that conclusion and what triggered her to assume that about me. i just dont know...

 • "sachi has gone thru even worse than you yet she doesn't do what you do."

 • "yeah and you know who else got out of her home and is independent for the first time? sachi." lol this actually hurt xD and it's been on repeat in my head ever since yesterday.. i slept with this ringing in my head and i woke up with this ringing in my head... like damn everybody's trauma is different and everybody takes time to heal and it's not a fucking competition and sachi is way different than me... she is much more better at dealing with this shit and she had a headstart alright?? i let myself sink into that shitty gaslighting cycle and for the longest time i was convinced that being told to die was a normal parenting thing and that my parents were good hence they practiced so much control on me... but at the same time the way everyone kept in saying that "we have gone thru the same thing as you, you aren't any special" really makes me doubt that i have just made this all in my head and its so FUCKIng scary🥺 i am so scared that i have just been lying to myself and making this up and my parents were actually right that i have just put a label on it to get more attention.... just hahahah existential crisis has risen again...

im just... it's painful hehe. like i dunno where will we go from here and i honestly dont know what will happen to me. will i slip into that familiar welcoming sadness where i become numb and dissociate from reality... just like headless zombi with no direction? to be honest that sounds so ideal and so well known that i actually feel like letting myself fall... to not care about how im wasting, to starve and make myself suffer, to cause me physical pain so that it can take my mind off the deep pain and grief i feel inside me... i want to hurt myself more than anything else.. i want to punish myself and i want to beat myself i want to make myself feel such incredible pain... dont know if that makes me a sadist but to cause pain to myself feels like the only better alternative than to become numb... because being numb is like floating with no sense of time and just losing out on yourself while carving myself up will atleast remind me that im human that i bleed like other do and that i have some sort of semblance to others despite being so fucked up... maybe mama was right.. maybe i am a habitual liar and maybe i deserve to be alone

yes i want to therapy and that always gonna be around but my self destructive bitton has been pressed and to think about anything that will make me better feels so yuck

i dunno man... guess im just gonna stop talking about myself altogether. i actually felt comfortable with this group to talk about things that i haven't really told many people and thats perceived as being insensitive... singh actually told that im making my personality all about being sad and yikes that just means i got too comfortable and in turn made other people uncomfortable. never talking about my trauma ever again. never ever EVER. i either type it down or write it down ir just shove it to the side and distract myself. i am never gonna talk about what im going thru or if im suffering because i don't need that kind of power struggle. from no one im going to work to make my facade so strong and so impenetrable that no one can know... not even the people closest to me because im a ticking time bomb and i cant risk losing the few people i have... arushi literally said kitne din aur tera randi rona sunanana padega xD well not anymore now onwards im just not gonna open up. i am gonna shut myself up completely so that nobody can know me. too late that these guys know way too much and i wanna kick myself for it but going forward, no on absolutely no one will know about me.. you can call me mysterious or whateva idc... im just gonna be a massive bitch and towards the people i care about im gonna be funny, nice and all things nice. yesss this sounds so much better... being jaded and stoic really sounds like a nice idea ❤️ if only i could get an unhealthy coping mechanism like smoking along with it.. it would just be perfect. numb everything, sounds so beautiful and attainable than actually facing my demons. like Aastha said, just think of this as character development well yall would definitely enjoy this new character arc 😁 of course i would be funny and the comic relief and yes im gonna be a better listener and be more empathetic but im never gonna talk about my joys, my sadness, ny trauma, my happiness, my family relationships... nothing. radio silence. im closing my heart up hence forth such a pain in the ass... its what fucks me over the most so im just gonna kill all the hopes on having "my person" or having a "soulmate' because that hope has always hurt me. and i was born alone so im gonna die alone and that's a fact. hope is such a bitchy thing... always got me ahead of myself and always fucked me over. no more hope... we are just gonna fake it till we make it... im gonna fake my happiness, my humor, my joy everything because absolutely no one can know how i am dying a little everyday. no one can know the amount of hate for myself i hold in my heart. no one can know the things that pain me. no one can know the things that give me joy. no one no one no one. no one is getting closer to me because i need to reduce collateral damage... i am not gonna kill myself obviously but oh... the things i have in store for punishing me?? its gonna be fun 😁 if im not a person anyone can give a second thought about then that definitely means i should not care about myself either. but of course... im gonna be kind and polite and definitely work on being generous.. im gonna continue being a good person even tho aarya says otherwise. i am good and i will stick to that part of my upbringing. im gonna excel in my studies most obviously... gotta play to my strengths so i can convince just how much of a perfect life i have 🥰 being fake sounds so much fun 😁 and i cant wait to fake about my entire personality as being funny, edgy and kind at the same time... sounds beautiful

therapy is always gonna be there bit i really need this for now... imma tell papa that my exams are coming close so i really cant give much attention to therapy maybe after that

damn this is actually a nice thing... to write/type it all down makes me feel lighter and more resolved.

[scarletrebel]

of madness and truth: the dark future details

i was going to do this in two sections cause i do wanna go through the present parts of the fic as well. mainly exactly why avia is torturing herself by wanting to see the simulation, why she decides to tell grier, and why osiris helps her. also, why osiris saw the simulation and what my perception of his opinions on toland are. 

but im too excited to share all the dark future ideas i have so uhh here you go @mrpinstripesuit if you have anything to add please please go for it!!

man why do we like torturing our kids aha

(also i broke it down like, a lot a lot not to be patronising but because i didnt wanna overwhelm people with bullet points aha)

“I guess I’ll have to explain it to you, like usual,” Grier says. “Since we killed Oryx? Three years. Since you snuck into my throne world and tried to kill me? Two and a half years. Since you killed Toland and trapped yourself in the Hive Overworld? Two years.”

three years: back in ttk days, grier chose to become the taken king after they killed oryx, so the rest of the clan had to get out of dodge and leave him. 

two and a half years: avia was very, very lost after that happened, and sought grier out by herself (and against the advice of literally everyone) just to talk to him. but, toland being the piece of shit he is, intercepted her and wouldn’t let them meet. then he convinced grier that she’d come to kill him and toland stopped her. avia then convinces herself that if she figures out how to kill toland, grier will be okay.

two years: in the split second after avia killed toland, in a complete panic grier trapped her in the overworld. he was the one who scratched the runes into the wall, theyre basically a strong but hurried version of the hive traps. 

the scene itself, the timeline that present avia sees is set just after the events of d2, around the time the savathuns song strike would have been undertaken. it’s the first time they’ve spoken since avia killed toland, but avia knows grier was responsible for trapping her. him telling her that shes there because she killed toland is the first notion that he’s there to lie to her to get her on his side, because he’s in denial and needs to know if savathun is actually coming to the system. hes not sure he’s strong enough to take her on, so he needs avia to take on the role of toland (or something advantageous to him at least) to give him an advantage. so he lies through his teeth.

“Yes – no,” Avia retches. “The singing,” she spits. “All she does is sing and sing and I can’t take it anymore!”

“Who?” Grier asks, sharp. “Who sings, Avia?”

Avia’s mouth opens around a name, but then she stops, and lets out a dry laugh. She drops her hands and pulls her head up to look at Grier. “Oh. Oh, are you telling me you don’t know?”

“It’s nor Ir Yut,” Grier ruffles, but shakes himself and addresses her with all the manner of a teacher dealing with an uncooperative student. “She’s gone. It’s not his daughters either, and no ordinary Deathsinger on account of how far it stretches across the system. I have my suspicions but you, are the only one who knows.”

Avia pierces him with her eyes, unrelenting and patronising.

“You know,” she says. “You know who it is.”

grier is…….. fucked up. he had toland whispering in his ear that he was doing everything right and he was getting oh so powerful, whilst withholding information about whether either of the sisters would come and kill him bc its toland, all he cares about is the sword logic. if he was actually alive when they came he’d probably just watch grier die with a smile on his face. 

then avia kills toland, and grier is so, so alone. all he has are the tablets of ruin, which explain the sword logic with such clarity, all the info that toland withheld from him, and he starts to get Worried. and then he hears savathuns song.

avia hears savathuns song, too. she actually started to gain control of herself in the hive overworld after she heard it. until then she was having all this information shoved into her head against her will. she knows a lot about the hive similarly to toland, because shes heard all these other songs and all this knowledge. she doesnt want to know, its far too much for her to handle, but she doesnt really have a choice. 

but then savathuns song made her realise the best way to get griers attention, so she just started screaming. every now and then, the screams would affect griers throne world. and that’s when he decided to go to her, to try and manipulate her with all the tools toland had given him. he had a feeling she was transforming into something, but went into the conversation just trying to convince her that she needed to help him.

“If you’re right, if I’m a liar just like Toland was, then even if I told you how they all died on my doorstep, you wouldn’t even think I was telling the truth.” A tilt of his head, the white matted fringe dangles slightly, helplessly. “Would you?”

none of the clan are dead. the eos’s did try and get avia out after rook was patrolling the dreadnaught and heard her voice, screaming. he couldn’t convince the vanguard to deploy a mission cause there was just no proof that avia was alive after sneaking to the dreadnaught to kill toland.

carver used his Hidden talents to track her down, got as far as the room where she was but the hive were about to overrun them. carver knew that avia wouldn’t want them to die in a rescue attempt, so he gets himself and his wife and child out of there and regroups with the others. carina is mad about it, but her mum and dad aren’t giving up.

the only other member of the clan who’s seen grier is rook. after the eos’s got back, he figured fuck it and went to get avia, his heart too broken to have the same clarity that they did regarding if he died.

that part grier wasnt 100% lying about -- rook actually finds the room, and grier is waiting for him. it’s a close fight, grier gets the chance to kill rook in the end, take his ghost and crush it under his heel but. he cant. so he tells rook to run, and if he ever comes back he wont just kill him, but he’ll make avia do it. (more lies about avia not remembering who he is probably idk)

grier lying to avia about their clan mates dying isn’t something he went into the conversation knowing he’d do. he was getting pissed at her holding back info out of spite, and thanks to this little comic by pin I wanted to play with him bitterly making her more and more upset by lashing out in such a vile way. grier is a hard character to find faults for aha but his quick anger and bitterness were interesting to play with when I dialed them up to eleven.

avia’s biggest fear is getting the people she loves and cares about killed, and grier still retains enough of himself to know that. so he just kinda, finds that vein and twists and pulls at it until avia breaks down and believes that she’s all alone -- that it really is just them two now. 

“I, I wouldn’t – no!” Avia yells, and the room shakes once more. Grier takes stock of it this time, his face twisting in amused curiosity as she rages on.

avia is turning into a deathsinger. 

in my head her ahamkara claws loose their silver plates over time and eventually, some time after her and grier talk she hears the ahamkara/worm gods/whatever with a scary amount of clarity, amplified by the fact that shes trapped in the overworld. they just convince her that shes not a guardian anymore, that shes something better, something more powerful. she spent so long being a soldier, a fighter for a dying cause, wouldnt this be better? to forge her own path, to listen to the songs and become something greater?

eventually she’ll decide (or think that she decided) that grier’s the only person she can protect anymore, and begins to accept the transformation. she adopts the same powers, I guess, as oryxs daughters. being able to weave reality and bend it to her/griers will. she’s basically ‘griers deathsinger’. her grief and anger fuel how powerful she is.

(i love...... corruption tropes so yeah this is basically whats happening to her aha.)

its an ironic parallel also because as i said before, grier is alone with the tablets, and avia is alone with the ahamkara. but grier said it was just them. theyre both transforming and changing at the same time into things they dont necesarily want to be because they couldnt see the consequences of their actions after one decision was made. but, they do eventually come together, just them, as grier makes avia believe -- as its meant to be. 

Afterwards 

i like to think eventually the clan decides to take grier on together to try and save avia, but they just get taken one by one instead, basically becoming different members of griers court and only making him stronger. they’re all far, far too attached and know that theres most likely no coming back if they do this. but after the city falls, theres no better time. no vanguard to stop them, no mission protocol. they regather after ghaul attacks and all decide to strike out by themselves. but it goes horribly wrong. 

avia’s full deathsinger transformation makes all of her armour look like the silver plated ahamkaras (because thats just her, in d1 they were my fave exotic and they’re very much a part of her character in that era for me) minus a helmet, and the silver is definitely more rusted. her eyes blacken over entirely and her cloak is massive and swishy and the hood almost covers her eyes, and thats in place of the skirt a deathsinger would normally have (a skirt just doesnt seem right for her aha)

avia becomes a very loyal, very cutthroat deathsinger. she’s literally at griers beck and call. like omnigul for crota, or as it said in the fic ir yut. 

[seouliloquy]

I am a complete disastrous wreck

I have been so depressed and so anxious and so apathetic, hypersensitive, easily irritated and downright miserable all at the same time for weeks now

My school has failed at helping me find a tutor for algorithms and seemed to given up trying at all since i havent heard from the education and learning center for two weeks now, despite them making false promises to get in touch with me soon about a solution to my problem.

I have skipped more classes this semester than ever on the excuse that i was not to be bothered to leave my room and needed a mental health day - which ends up being an even more miserable say because i feel guilt and shame and get even more nothing done than if i had been busy in classes. Othertimes i would skip so i could study for a test or take some time to actually be productive or get errands done that desperately need to be done during the day time that i dont have time to do.

I even called off work around 3 times.

I go to soccer to put off reality even more. I tell myself its because i’m a dedicated member of the team, because i need to social interaction, because it’s exercise and good for my health...but after practices i’m hardly feeling any better. I was coerced into playing goalkeeper in the freezing snow at the last and biggest most important tournament (all the more reason for me to be goalkeeper instead of anyone else because no one else can do it decently but me and i’m obviously not good enough to trust on the field so id i hadnt played keeper i likely would have barelt played at all and either way i felt like i wasted my entire weekend. In goal i hardly do much moving. They never take time to help me warm up. It was snowing and i’m standing there with 4 layers on still freezing my ass off and my toes completely numb and against Yonsei, the most important game, the 3 times i had to move at all i fucked up and let a goal in, letting us lose AGAIN and i know everyone blames me. Yeah i’m the better choice to do it but compared to the other teams goalkeepers i’m complete shit.

Whats the point of playing and doing something i’m supposed to love if doing it constantly makes me feel guilty and inadequate. I’m not skilled enough, i’m not fast enough, i still can’t fucking cross the ball and i still cant fogure out how the others who can do things well are so good at what they do despite the fact that i have 10 years of experience over everyone else...

Really the only reason i’d been going to soccer was just to escape from everything and avoid my other stressors because its all too much. I didnt have to think about algorithms or syntax or paying the tuition and rent bills or being lonely and unloveable.

I tell myself i go to the gym so i can have me time, to work on improving myself. Work towards getting the body that i want so i can feel more confident in my own skin. Work towards being stronger and faster so i can be a better athlete. Have a healthy routine so i dont develop athritis yet and have some stability to hopefully prevent flare ups.

Again, its jist another way to procrastinate. And even then i procrastinate or neglect going to the gym sometimes too. I survive off the temporary adrenaline high from cardio that tricks me into believing i’m okay when i’m really not.

Then i leave and i realize i could have spent that time getting extra sleep i need because my sleep lately is so poor and i never wake up feeling rested. If i didnt want to sleep then i should have gotten up and completed that homework assignment early or caught up on some studying that i desperately need to do.

Now with final exams looming over my head only two weeks away and i’m out of passes to skip class and i cant afford to cut my work hours anymore i’m stuck witg super limited studying time and no room to give and no motivatiom or energy to study when i should.

When i do sit and study, i cant concentrate. Nothing is retained in my memory. I struggle to understand things or comprehend a single paragraph of text and i fall asleep at my desk constantly or purposely distract myself with other things.

I’m gonna make a plan.

I’m gonna balance my budget.

Do laundry.

Clean my side of the room.

Organize my sock drawer.

Count my spare change.

Do some basic low-budget meal prep and pretend i’m actually going to eat less calories and eat less bad foods and treat my body like the temple that it is and feed it only the good stuff! Lies, she said, as she forgets about the container of a single overpriced cucumber in the fridge that cost 2$ and eats .80 cent ramyun noodles instead.

I keep forgetting to take my medicine - including my birth control- which i take for its contraceptive effects (like i could actually believe i’d be having sex anytime soon but at least i’m safe if i get raped because thats what i’m supposed to do, right? Be prepared for the worst) but i also take it to regulate my periods but i’m under so much stress and keep missing my pills thay my period is fucked up and my hormones are out of whack too only exacerbating my depression amd anxiett tenfold.

I have a fear of abandonment but i avoid getting too close to people because i know they are just going to leave me anyways. No, not leave. Forger me, dump me, use and dispose of me after my purpose is served.

I want so desperately to be the alpha female. To actually have my shit together and not merely seem like i do all the time. I want control of my life. I want to have less intense feelings about everything. I want to be invincible, admired and awed. Respected.

But what do i do to get that?

I’m mediocre at everything.

I dont have any special hidden talent. No one says, “oh you should talk to Lilo about that, she’s really good at that thing!”

I am a shoddy student and a shoddy musician and a shoddy artist and a shoddy athlete and a a shoddy cook and a shoddy friend (cause if i were anyone’s first choice they’d call me first for once)

I have no money, no academic merit or special skill set.

I’m completelt useless.

And i’m not pretty. I could get away witg being all of the above things if i were at least just pretty and still have a chance with society- getting a decent job, getting opportunities, being loved by someone else who isnt family....

In my current circumstances, how on earth is ir even possible for me to just “be happy” and “find happiness from within”

Being grateful for what i’m able to do doesnt help me feel better. It doesnt put things in perspective. I makes me hate this world even more that there even has to be people more worse off than me out there. I cant handle the cruelness and unfairness and superificiality of this world and all the people in it.

My body knows i’m not okay. My digestion is weird. My sleep and dreams arw wwird. My skin breaks out and i got hives on my hands and sores in my mouth from stress. I cry almost every day and spend the day with a tension headache from fighting the tears so i can appear “normal” in public because i’m embarassed and when anyone looks at me i want to scream at them and say “what daduq are you looking at, punk?” But i dont becauasw thats dangeous.

I’m just so sick and tired of everything and i’m tired of pretending. I’m tired of explaining myself because i’m not like my “normal” self. Where actually my real self is constantly screamig from inside my head and inside my chest to be let out like a child victim of abuse.

[yfczangel777]

just to vent into the void here; 

on the previous post about ppl being offput by a fave if mine...I love this character soso much and like also we are a shit ton alike... like I hardcore self project onto him and GET him cuz our personality and frequently our way of speaking and our handling mental illness is spot on the same. Hasnt always been the nicest or healthiest for either of us but being able to fix and reconcile and learn to handle it better through loving action w him made me happy for him and also had a certain level of self comfort because we basically the same bitch lol. And people were saying how they didnt like when he got into his dark place for a bit and it was 'uncomfy' or threw them off the character as a whole or made him 'problematic' or smth and I'm just here like "um ouch :*) " cuz thats me bitch lol and also like that image of the lady holding the grown man and telling ppl off for that character

And like not to make excuses for either of us but like I dont think he was problematic? Maybe cuz I understand on a personal level? Like he did some things that weren't very kind when he was hurting but they weren't that bad and he did it out of what he felt was necessity and apologized later??

And fr like that wasnt even so bad. He self isolated and told the player "Idc if it hurts your feelings, I cant be close with you" and to stop having feelings for him cuz he wasnt worth it. Like?????

And like once during a literal time crunch life or death situation while also in the heat of his darkest place and having had a lot of fuked up shit revealed to him he purposefully broke a little robot that wouldn't be quiet and that was his own property at the time... not the players... because he hadnt given it to the player yet (later he fixes it and gives it as a gift)

He kept tabs on where you were and got worried if he didnt see you because a man had literally just crashed through your window and tried to abduct you and would have succeeded if he hadnt gotten there just in time. And it was clear that none of this was over and theres a target on your back still. He wasn't being controlling or unreasonable he was trying to keep you safe from very real danger.

Yes he told you off for a bit once meeting face to face. Yes he told you your feelings toward him were wrong and he was going to keep blocking you out so stop trying and just move on with your life and forget him. And if you didnt your feelings would be hurt and that's your own fault cuz he told you to back off.

That wasnt nice if him but it was preserving his own vulnerable heart and also your safety. This character is not your average dude. His lifestyle is literally ACTUALLY deadly dangerous. Hes taught time and again he isnt allowed to have friends ir family let alone a lover. He eludes to the fact that they HAVE forced him to uproot everything and drop everyone and change his whole identity more than once. And due to his field of work people who are close to him can be used against him and are in literal life threatening danger by association. The chatroom was supposed to be arms distance enough but he got attached to everyone there anyways. And then you came and he fell for you hard. It wasnt ever supposed to happen that way so he went all weird and denied it out of panic and nessecity... once you were in danger he cared for you so he had to go help you and you met face to face which was WAY more than he ever intended to happen and also exposed him way more to catching deeper and deeper feelings. But here he was desperately trying to do damage control because he knows that people dear to him get hurt or killed. And he loves you.. so as much as it hurts he has to try to keep you away to keep you SAFE

All of this is literal... like not just that he thinks hes a bad person and will hurt you.... like literally you are in real physical danger from being associated with him. And this is evidenced and proved throughout the story. And he blames himself for ever even letting you interact with them but like... the poor boy is human jesus christ he needs connection he needs love. It's a mistake he beats himself up over. And so he tries to damage control and get you to move on and forget about him. It kills him the whole time and its evidenced the whole time that he hates having to do this.

And the whole time the worst he tells you is he doesn't care if you get a hurt heart because you wont leave him alone when he tells you to. (Spoiler alert.. that's a lie! He cares a lot but you need to be safe from involvement in his dangerous life)

And the whole time I noticed its actually even an EXCESSIVE thing he does(it's a nice thing tho) that he does nothing but call you a good and wonderful person who deserves happiness and that needs to be safe and keep living because you are so good and so bright and so kind

But him and his life will never allow your safety, so you cant be with him for your protection.

He never stops with how nice you are... how good you are... how much you need to be in this world and be safe because you add light to the world.

Even when hes being cold.. even when hes telling you off

It's always centered around this.

As well as that hes "a dangerous guy" and 'cant keep anything or anyone close'

Putting himself down and lamenting who and what he is.

The breakthrough comes when you finally see the extent of him and the struggles and danger he faces and still wear him down and tell him unwaveringly that: ok you see and understand the danger fully now and you dont care and you want to stick by him even if its dangerous because you love him. And that he doesnt have to go through life alone anymore cuz you'll be there for him no matter what.

And you have to wrestle away from him the notion of 'no I cant let her do this because I love her and want her to be able to live and be safe. It hurts being alone and id love to be able to be with her but I cant cuz if anything happened to her I'd never forgive myself and also she's so great she deserves a normal life where she doesn't have to worry.'

And you have to lovingly assert to him that he can think of himself too... that he doent have to go through life alone because you know the risks and you decided you want to be with him anyways because you love him. That you understand he wants you safe but that was your decision to make and you choose him no matter the dangers... that you will help him and go through it together as a team.

And he struggles because all his life he had to be the action taker, decision maker, and the protector (especially with his brother in childhood) but slowly comes around to the fact that you will be partners... shouldering the burden together while enriching each others lives. That he doesnt have to be the solitary protector of things and people he has come to love despite not having been supposed to in the first place... cuz hes HUMAN. That someone else has seen his situation and his soul laid bare and still said I love you and I'm going to stand with you through this. And learn to let go and let them in and let them share his burden despite being so afraid of doing so and afraid of what could happen to them as a result. Accepting that they made their decision and its theirs to make. And dealing with the fear as well as the relief and strange joy of FINALLY having someone in his life to love and be loved by and to go through things //together//

Like I just dont get how ppl can like tsunderes and even yanderes but then this character is like "pls no ppl get hurt with me and I care for you so you gotta stay away from me for your own good" and they're like... butthurt that he wasn't all peppy and sweet like usual because his life and everything he held dear was legit crumbling around him??? That someone with his past and his current job/living situation took a bit before he could open up and spill his guts to them??? At a job where.. to quote the game itself 'even an offhanded joke can get you killed' ??? Like yall are entitled to your opinions... and thank god this character is fictional or else that would be hella f-ed up of yall but... oof.

[demonialex]

?

[reposting with added “player 3 has entered the game” aka i was admitted into another uni askljdghkdshgsklg and now im even more indecisive smh]

turns out i have to decide abt which uni to go to before monday. yay fucking y a y. ok im still so unsure i mean i know i know “follow your dreams” etc etc but dude… listen…. dat good ol depression with aanxiety with trauma are making this way harder than it probably is?? anyways here’s a list of pros and cons in case anyone wants to try to help idk dont feel pressured im just so so so stressed and overwhelmed and also depressed but like not super sad depressed more like “jfc why dont i just give up and idk maybe go back to my home country and try to live there or just kms or smth so i stop being a burden”

anyways.

*sf (this is the one in florida) ; was admitted into film which im v curious abt and always liked even tho never actually took a class abt ir :^)

pros:

close to my parents (aka if thigns go to shit or i get sick yadda yadda i have ppl close by

i actually know ppl who live in the area

got a scsholarship so in the end (2yrs) it will be like 17k cheaper (huge af difference)

i’ve been to the campus before

i already have a therapist here (i hate his guts but at least he gives me my meds)

cons:

public transportation is trash and my ass doesn’t know how to drive (tho i guess i could get a car and keep living with my parents and just commute everyday but im rly rly terrified of driving which is stupid i know)

i cant work while studying (technically i can but it’s super hard to get the job cuz there are a bunch of rules abt it

stress cuz to keep the scholarship i need to do at least 15 credits/semester and keep a 3.0gpa

i hate living in florida (sorry florida, nothing personal)

to change my major to compsci i need not only math but also physics

c*ncordia (the one in montreal); was admitted for psychology (which i rly like tho i dont see myself working in anymore)

pros:

i’ve wanted to move to canada for ages

no physics pre-requisite to change my major to compsci!

i can work 20hrs/week anywhere

suposedly great public transportation

i can study just 12credits/semester

cons:

i’ve never actually visited canada

i dont know anyone in montreal

i dont speak french

it’s pricier since i dont have a scholarship

i’ve never even seen snow so i mean i could probably freeze to death

y*rk (the one in toronto) ;  was admitted into film which im v curious abt and always liked even tho never actually took a class abt ir :^)

pros:

again, wanted to move to canada for ages

again, no physics pre-req to change to compsci

again, can work 20hrs/week anywhere

supposedly easier to find a job

i can study just 9 credits/semester

cons:

supposedly the public transportation is not as good as the one around concordia

i heard this uni isn’t as good as the other 2

it’s even pricier than c*ncordia/montreal rip 

again, i’ve never actually visited canada

it’s p damn far from downtown(like 1~1.5hrs via public transportation)

sf* (the one in vancouver) ; again, was admitted into film which im v curious abt and always liked even tho never actually took a class abt ir :^)

pros:

again, wanted to move to canada for ages

again, no physics pre-req to change to compsci

again, can work 20hrs/week anywhere

supposedly easier to find a job

not super cold!!!

cons:

again, supposedly the public transportation is not as good as the one around concordia

renting is pretty damn pricey apparently

rlyyyy far from my family (montreal and toronto can be as lil as 3hr flight whereas vancouver is at least 7hr flight)

again, i’ve never actually visited canada

i don’t know anyone in vancouver (... i think. i dont remember for sure omfg im awful)

[one-shoop]

I just had basically a panic attack or whatever over my dad calling for dinner. Oh but who would guess being singled out by a scream "FLOOOOOF! COME EEEAT!" every freaking night and told "COME ON HONEY" and "DID YOU HEEEEAR?" "FLOOOOOF?" "FLOOOF? ANSWEEEER?" doesn't give me, the girl who's terrified of eating to the point where she skips meals almost everyday, panic attacks. Dear god i cant freaking eat dad, I CANT EAT BECAUSE IT TRIGGERS MY GODDAMN OCD. But nooooooo. Apparently nobody bothered to ask me my triggers or even do some research after my diagnosis. And forgive me lord if Im not enthusiastic about explaining it myself becase EVERY GODDAMN TIME I TOLD SOMEONE THEY FORCED ME TO DO IT ANYWAYS. Told me "but the food is gooood" and "come oon, you need to eeeeeat" like i stg i'm so fucking tired

Of people telling me for an hour and a half to come fuck myself over with triggers and panic all the way and not be able to eat and be ashamed of myself and feel weak and unable to do anything. Like Jesus guys IT TRIGGERS MY OCD. MEANING THAT I CANT FUCKING EAT PEACEFULLY. I SONT GIVE A SINGLE FUCK IF ITS GOOD OR NOT. ITLL SCARE ME TO FUCKING HELL.

And yeah, for supportive parents they sure are doing the fucking lords job right? After fucking up myself to ask fir help thar never vame and was always denied or stripped to its bare minimums then told to accept that as tje ultimate help, I finally ficking tet someone who validates me and gives me a diagnosis. Ans yoy funky get fuckjng told to your faces that FORCING KIDS TO FACE THEOR FEARS IS THE WORST THING FOR THEIR HEALTH. And MAYBE if you knew anything at fucking all you'd fucking realize that when I HAVE NEVER ASKED FOR HELP OUT OF FEAR OF BEING SHAMED FOR IT, maybe is your fault???? And maune it impedes on mh recovery???? And maube i shouldn't be the only one to fucking take stepd to retake that???? Im all foe fu king getting the help I gucking need but for fucks sake cant any of you look like you can more for, I dunno, fucking parenting, other than whatever fycking meal you're having???? Is it roo kuch to ask to help me retake my right to asking for the hospital since its been mentioned at that same fucking meeting we talk about that I've tried asking for goddamn help and you said no????

Like you had a goddamn professional tell you that WHEN YOUR KIDS WANT HELP, YOU CANT DENY IT. And that by pretending that I jad to tough it up, you fucked me up way more. And thw most I got was a half assed sentence of "BUT IM PLACING ALL THE BLAME ON MYSELF, ITS UNHEALTHY" as fucking soon as the goddamn bells rang.

Like you had the nerve to ACXUSE ME of NOT asking for help and fucking NOT telling you anything. Ans believe it or not I STILL FUCLING THOUGHT THAT about a second ago. But honestly? WHY THE FUCK SHOULD ANULNE BE HONORABLY FORCED TO ASK FOR HELO THAT TJEU KNOW WILL NEGER VOME??? JUST SO YOU CAN SAY I WAS THE PERFECT VICTIM WHO STILL BELIEVED IN YOU???? BECAUSE AFTER ALL THIS CRAP, AFTER BEING TOLD THE TRUTH, THE FIRS TTHING IM TOLD WHEN WE GET OUT IS THAT I NEED "TO TRUST YOU MORE"? AND "TELL YOU ABOUT MY FEELINGS?" am I someone's fucking puppet here??? Do you just want ro ficking play with me until youre done?????

Like what the fuck???? YOU THOUGHT I "DID THE WRONG THING" BY NOR ASKING COR HELP. BUT YOU SONS OF DEMONS, YOU HAVE ALWAYS KNOWN YOUR PHILOSOPHY WAS THAT FUCKED UP PIECE OF MENTALITY FROM THE GODDAMN FARK AGES THAT YOU NEED TO TELL YOUR KIDS TO FUCK OFF. OKAY??? YPU KNEW THAT ENOIGJ TO EXPLAIN IT IN BARF-INCUDING CLARITY HOW APPARENTLY ONE SINGLE GUCKING BOOK ON ANXIETY IN KDIS WAS ENOUGB TO RID YOU OF YOUR ENTIRE HUMAN BRAIN AND SUDDENLY IT DIDNT MATTER HOW MUCH WE CRIED AND BEGGED AND GELT ALONE AND NEEDED YOUR SHIR COMFORT, TOU DIDNT CARE???? WELL FUESS WHAT???? THE FIRS TTHING YOU TELL ME WHEN SHE SPEAKS, BLESS THWT DOCTIR, IS THAT I DONT EVEN ASK FOR HELP. and bless me I told them YO I ASKED FOR THE HOSPITAL AND YOU TOLD ME I WASNT SICK ENOUGH. AND YOU BOTH HAD THE GODDAMN MIND TO REFUTE IT. UNTIL MOM TOLD DAD TO STOP BEXAUSE "SHES RIGHT, ITS OUR FAULT, OUR BAD".

Like what the fuck??? Tou already knew that you wouldn't have given any help anyways??? Why the fuck am I even supposed to fucking ask??? Why did you EVER tell me to ask??? Was ir so you could feel fucking welcome??? So you could feel so fucking badass and awesome telling me the goddamn word of light exquisite and God Almighty in his tree in heaven that "FIND AOLUTIONS AND STOP CRYING"???? OR, NO, WAIT, EZCUSE ME, WAD I SUPLOSED TO COME SEE YOU SO YOU COULD PEP-TALK ME INTO FUCKING OFF FROM FEELINGS LAND AND "FIND SOLUTIONS"??? Did you want to feel like you gave me comfort without actually giving me some??????

Like what the fuck???????????? And -- why the FUCK foes it STILL appear smart tp tell me to fucking TELL YOU SHIT? GUYS I TOLD TOU MORE SHOT I WAS LEGALLY ONLIGATED TO. YOU CAME TO MEET MY THERAPISTS. YOU GOT THE BRIEFINGS WITH ME WHEN I INVITED YOU. YOU GOT TO SEE MY PSYCHIATRIST, AND MY DOSSIER, AND MY MEDS. I TOLD YOU I NEEDED A LISTENING EAR AND NOT AFVICE, I TOLD YOU I FELT SCARED SOMETIMES OF EATING, I TOLD YOU ABOUT MY OBSESSIONS, I ASKED YOU IF I COULD GO TO BE HOSPITALIXED BECASUE OCD GOT TOO BAD.

And you laughed at my fuccking obsessions. When i was a kid my biggest trigger was barfing, and bile. And guess fucking what? You fucking laughed around and invented the worst fucking single thing ever to say "fuck you get better" which was switching the goddamn syllables together and fuckinf singing it to me like it was fine now. Fucking laughing at me whenever ai had goddamn panic attacks. I diagnosed my own goddamn trigger at, what, ten? BUT I NEGER ASKED FOR HELP BECAUSE YOU FUCKINF LAUGHED AT ME EVERYTIME I CLOSED MY EYES AND MY EARS AND PANICKED TO CHANGE THE TOPIC. I WAS FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE. I COULD NOT BEAR IT. AND WHEN YOU SAW A TERRIFIED CHILD, YOU SID NOTHING EXCEPT LAUGH AND SAY "there, now they're done with talking, tou can stop closing your ears now". YOU FUCLING NOTICED JN THE WORST WAY POSSUVLR. I REGRET SHOWING YOU THE FIRST ENTRY I MADE ON THIS. I WAS SO ASHAMED OF IT. I THOUGHT IT EAS WRONG. OR SHAMEFUL. AND -- GUESS WHAT? I THOUGHT IT WAS YNIQUE TO MEZ TOO. IT WA THE SINGLE MOSR SCARY TJING IN MY EXIDTENCE. MY CHEST BURNED AND SQUINTED AND I FELT JOT AND I CRIED AND VRIED AND BEGGED AND YELLED IN MY HEAD FOR PEOPLE TO STOP, IN THE BUS, AT SCHOOL, AT HOME. AND IF YOUD BEEN SLIGHTLY GIOD AT YOUR FUCKINF JOB I MOGHT HAVE TOLD YOU FUVKASSES. BHT NO. AND GUEDS WHAT? UNLESS WHST YOUVE FUCKING TOLD ME, BEING IN PAIN IS NOT ONLY VALID OR UNSHAMEFUL WHEN YOU ASK ADULRS WHAT TO DO. FOR HOW FUCLING LONG HACE I BEEN TOLD THAT PAIN DOESNT MATTER UNLESS AN ADULT IS ON THE CASE? HOW LONG HACE U WANRED SOMEWHRRE WHERE GODDAMN ADULTS DIDNT FUCK YOU OVER? DIDNT CONTR EVERY THOUGHT YOH HAD? WHERE SAYING "YOURE WRONG" ISNT AN INSULT? WJERE KIDS ARENT JUST DENIED A COICE BECAUSE THEYRE KIDS?

Ughhhhh.how many times should I get convinced that your help is worth crap? That searching for your goddamn advice and "comfort" is of any goddamn help? That what shit you give me is actually good enough?? What this it worth my time? That I should be looking at myself??? That i should be squinting and hating myself???? That I'm not worth saving??? That -- goddamnit. God fucking samn jt. Goddamnit im so done with all these excuses. I'm so fucking -- I wanted help, I wanted love, I wanted excuses and loce and light and fear and farkness and friends and family and I cant even talk anymore. I cant talk from myf eeljngs anu.kre. I have ti go on goddamn instinct because my goddamn vortex is fucked up. I realize I eas incpaable of having a mental nature by myself at 8. When I eas alone, I couldn't feel anything. I felt aimless, I just felt nothing. I couldnt bring myself to feel anything. I ducking mtocied that, and yes, tou noticed to, but your goddamn reaction was to tell me to get a life and stop obsessing about that friend I used to play with and just learn to do shit myself and do shit on my own. (Basically, to my own stupid ass brain, this trainwreck of a sentence means I was like a kid who needed autonomy from their parents and needed to learn their life was their own.) Bur yeah!!!! Whenever I was alone I didnt give a shit!!!! I felt aimless!!! Lost!!! Shitty!!!!! And when I first saw myself as a disgusting hump of crap I was 10, I wss running happily and sang a song about witches ans I saw myseld in my head and god I looked like garbage and I hated it. I hated what I looked like. I resented the idea that people had to see me. I thought, why do people even stay with me, I'm disgusting. I can never pinpoint the reason becauee yes, my brain is that fucked-up. Someday it will be back.

But seriously. Does anyone else have old stores from early teens where everyone kept fuclibg Escalon without telling their parents?where kids didnt go home? Where the bes tthi g ws just leaving forever? Anyone think the second arc of Warriors was the bestBEXAUE THEY LEAVE and you KNOW they'll leave and you KNOW things are always better and sorry Leafpaw bur I hated tour arc like goddamn shit itself because SCREW THE CLANS, I hate them and I wanted ro leave anywhere that ft like home.

What do kids feel about their homes? Do fhey ever wish they moved? Do they ever seriously ask themselves why the fuck anyone would want to live here? Do they find it unnapealing? Are you supposed go be HAPPY to come home after a trip? Are you supposed to feel completely shitty from coming back, like a failure? Like you weren't supposed to come back, you were supposed to stay awau forever?

Did any kids have zero track of time? Did any kids watch old videos from babytime and realize that there's just something fucking terrifying about it without knowing fucking why?

I saw a kid watch a video on repeat of her dad doing something random like, an old baby recording from when the kud was running in the hallway and he caught her. She watched it on repeat for so, so long , until her phone stopped working I think. And i Remember being touched in a way I neger knew possible, and telling myself from the top of my ripe old 13th year, well thars not something ive ever done or wanted to do. I remember going, why the fuck would you do that? Aren't you happy hes gone? Aren't you happy to be gone?

I remember being straight terrified of my paternal grandmother at 5 only to realize yeara later that she used to be violent and terribly abusive to everyone. I remember being terrified of my aunt's husband, and feeling something undescribable that felt lile a stabbing wound in my aunt's eyes, until I finally learned that he used to beat her. I remembwr hating Éric Salvail for some reason and being really u comfortable around him until BAM, guess who was a goddamn creep and sexual harrassment pro? This guy. I remember so many fucking things that made me uncomfortable and it turned out to be right, about people at least.

But I remember hating my own picture for as long as I can remember. My face unsettles me. I never fully write why, or go to the end of my thoughts. I have problems, I know. I hope knowing what they are will help.