#i acknowledge that this post contains a lot of cope and this chapter had me distraught but so many things still don't add up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[yoshyoshy]

thinking about how yoshida was specifically the only one in the room for when denji woke up and how that was probably on purpose... about him caressing denji's hair with his hand like that... about getting yet another panel where he's silent and his hair is covering his eyes like there's so much being left unsaid here with this boy... about him referring back to the time he warned denji not to become chainsaw man which was the only time we ever saw him be emotional... about how chapter 133 showed he cares more than he lets on most of the time... about how it's blowing up in his face and things are going to shit and i don't believe that he doesn't care when he showed how much he did care before... about how he lied to the public safety devil hunters about injecting denji with the syringe... about how it's highly being suggested that asa is the one who's coming to the rescue and the last time we saw her she was with yoshida... about how yoshida apologized to her and maybe more happened during that fight between them than was let on... how else was she kept in the loop about what's happening with denji if not through yoshida who's the one on the inside and has gotten himself to some level of authority that he's continuing to keep up?

[whinlatter]

Can you talk more about what Hermione is going thru in the latest chapter of Beasts? Like I can see her obsessing over the hearings is a bad coping mechanism and it true that it’s not fair to others hearing them 24/7 but like I also wanna give Hermione a big hug because girl is definitely going thru something but is not dealing with it properly (also will Ron/ Romione crumbs have me squealing can I just say how much I love you had HARRY checking in on Hermione?? Fandom has the terribly habit of thinking Harry doesn’t care/is uncomfortable to deal with Hermione emotions but in the books he does care and I love that you show him doing it more instead of leaving him in the “can’t deal with this Ron you deal with her” fandom cliche, caring platonic Harry/Hermione for the win!)

I would love to talk about this! Hermione needs a truly historic hug at this point in Beasts, no getting around it. I'm so glad you pulled that part out about Harry and Hermione - Harry does really care, and it felt important to show that, especially that that dynamic will continue even when Romione are officially together. That deep love Harry has for Hermione isn't going anywhere. (And yep I love the Nick Cave dancing scene from the DH film, it's my favourite scene in all eight films, cuff me)

While I don't want to say too much about where Hermione's at (lots more to come, I swear, and it's killing me not to talk about it because I do so love to chatter), I can definitely talk a bit about Hermione's mental state in general terms, and map out some of the thought processes behind where the two girls are at this stage in the fic. Full discussion is below the cut because it does contain some (mild) spoilers, so read on at your peril!

So - Hermione. The thing is that Ginny, for all that she's intuitive, kind and observant, is a limited narrator. We've already seen moments where we know Ginny doesn't always read things or people right - she's extremely empathetic and shrewd towards people she feels similarly to (so far, Harry), and she's by default compassionate to those who either ask directly or who clearly demand for emotional support and reassurance (Bea, Neville, Hannah, asking to come to the pub with them all). But with people she's different to - even if she loves them and is otherwise close to them - she doesn't always get it right. She struggles to work them out and to guess how the people around her are going to respond. In canon, we see this with her changing relationship with Fleur after Bill's attack. In this fic, I've tried to show this in her first meeting with Hagrid, for instance, when she thought he was intimidating and mocking her, or her certainty that Bill is doing the right thing staying well away from the Greyback hearings, when Bill has actually decided to walk into the fire and get involved. Ginny's going through it with her own stuff, too, right - she's blinkered.

What Ginny has seen of Hermione so far, and what the reader (hopefully!) sees, is someone who is being equally guarded about what's going on with them, but who is dealing with their shit very differently to how Ginny is dealing - or not dealing - with hers. It's not that Ginny isn't trying to get through to her, it's that she doesn't know how best to do it. When Ginny looks at Hermione, she sees someone who isn't asking her for help, who doesn't need Ginny as protection, but who is instead developing an obsessive and quite solitary interest in the trials and questions of post-war societal reckoning that Ginny thinks is unhealthy. Hermione judges Ginny for not taking more of an interest in an issue of historic importance and for being so avoidant: Ginny judges Hermione both for how self-destructive her coping mechanisms seem to be and for not being attentive enough to its effects on the people around them, especially the younger ones Ginny feels so protective towards. Chapter five is as close as either character has come so far to acknowledging this dynamic:

The fury comes quick, rising up in her. ‘You don’t get to decide what’s good for everyone. We are perfectly capable of deciding whether we want to hear all of this shit - ’ ‘Burying their heads in the sand isn’t going to fix anything. They need to know, they need to know what went on - ’ ‘You think they don’t know?’ She points angrily at the other Gryffindors staring at the two of them, blood rising to her face. ‘You think they don’t know what went on?’

At this point in the fic, we can speculate about what Hermione's going through. She's been made Head Girl of a student body who lived a very different war to hers - both were traumatising, but in different ways. She's already troubled by the direction postwar wizarding society seems to be moving in, from what she's heard on the wireless, a society she just fought hard to rescue but which has consistently rejected her on account of being Muggleborn. She's on top of her school-work, still, but worrying about exams that are objectively months away (also, back to worrying about school and exams after a literal war - school that was always, in part, about her proving her abilities and right to belong in the wizarding world). She's sat in Defence lessons with a much more intense and acute knowledge of the material earned in exceptionally traumatising circumstances. She's very lonely. She's separated from the two people she's closest to, Harry and (especially) Ron, after this extremely intense year together, and right after her and Ron have finally found their way to each other, after so long. Her and Ginny used to be close, in an adolescent, fair-weather friendship kind of way, but the year they've spent apart has taken them in such different directions, especially with friendship groups. While Ginny, at least, seems to have some downtime via a much closer friendship with Hannah and Luna after sixth year together, her time helping out Hagrid, and even the support of the Quidditch team (even if she's avoiding them rn), Hermione seems to have no close friends around, only a fellow Head Boy she likes well enough but has never been close to, and who actually was sent to Azkaban for being Muggleborn, whereas Hermione was not. Even Crookshanks is giving her the cold furry shoulder, and, so far, we've seen her go to London at the first chance she got, something Ginny was hugely envious of. We know she did this, both to see Ron and Harry, but also to see her parents, who we know are back from Australia and living in the UK, but who we don't know much about (yet).

Downstairs, Hermione’s sat — of course — by the wireless. Her hair’s pinned back from her face, her blouse is pretty, fitted, and she’s wearing her new scarf, though the common room’s much too warm for it. But her face is grave, eyes closed as she listens to a woman’s tearful voice whispering down the airwaves. ‘I thought - I thought I’d lose my daughter - ’

Hermione absolutely isn't a cruel or unkind person. You're completely right that she absolutely doesn't mean to upset the other students by subjecting them to the wireless every night. But she truly believes it's important, politically and morally, for them to listen to the Greyback victims and to see these huge ethical faultlines that run throughout wizarding society, that began long before Voldemort and threaten to continue after him. She and Ginny just have very different ideas, at this point, about what's best for the students of Hogwarts. The thing that's interesting about writing this arc (I talked a bit about this here) is that, in the same situation, I'd be much more of a Hermione than I would be a Ginny, for better or worse. I'm desperately trying to tread the line between respecting that neither character is coming from a malicious place, and that neither is truly right or wrong in this situation, just showcasing that they both came into the war as very different people and are even more different on the other side of it. There's so much more to come on Hermione, I swear. The scene between the two of them at the end of chapter three is still one of my favourites I've written on who Hermione and Ginny are to each other, playing around with the memory of their past closeness, the things they're not talking about that they have in common, and the idea that these two have the potential for real arcs of growth and development through their friendship that Harry and Ron get in the canon series, but that the young women of the series also deserve, too.

‘Little Women?’ ‘It’s a Muggle book. My mum used to read it to me, when I was little. It’s about sisters during the American Civil War.’ ‘What’s so little about them?' She peers at the cover. 'They look quite normal-sized there. Are they gnome sisters, or what?’ Hermione manages a smile this time. ‘It just means they’re young, I think. Not quite grown-up women yet.’

[bloodstainsontengensfloor]

... is this just one big appreciation post for the women of Jujutsu Kaisen? Yes. It is. I go looking for some JJK content and I need more love for my powerful ladies! ⚠️SPOILERS FOR VOLUME 0 AND FOR MANGA!!! ⚠️

Kugisaki Nobara:

The girl of steel.

Her most iconic moment is the “I AM NOBARA KUGISAKI!” She is someone who has a strong sense of self and I’m honestly jealous. She knows who she is, and she’s confident in that. Nobara is funny and full of life and character. She’s comedic and in her introduction, despite being unsure on what to do with the child hostage, handled the situation in a way I didn’t expect based on what was presented by her so far.

She was introduced as confident, blunt, judgemental, and conceited. When the child was taken hostage, she, unaware that Itadori would come in throwing punches, set her stuff down. She was the one who took down the curse, it was her test after all, and I honestly love the little head pat she gives the kid after. It’s such a small gesture but it’s so sweet.

No Character is a good one without flaws and Nobara has her fair share of them. Like stated before, she’s conceited and her bluntness is sometimes just rude. She saw herself as above most people in her old town because she couldn’t understand how they could be so small minded and live simple lives when she in fact is a little small minded and naive. The first curse she faced wasn’t one she was totally ready for, but in the end conquered. She views Maki and Mai as a bad twin/good twin situation. She never met Sukuna so can only judge Itadori based on who she knows, Itadori. She understands the gender norms of the Jujutsu world and believes that she can change them as long as she just is her. She knows she’s pretty and she knows she strong so what could go wrong? (Loosing an eye).

Something I do love about her though is that she had friends and people she cared for before she came to Tokoyo. Before she uhm... gets injured, she thinks about an old friend and how she doesn’t think she will get to met up with her like she promised. Nobara is a great friend with a lot of love to give. She’s truthful but not perfect.

Random fact I love: her hair is dyed.

Zenin Maki:

The woman who will prove everyone wrong. She’s ambitious, powerful, and hardworking. She began at the very bottom of the world she lived in, and is still restricted by these boundaries even after she proved herself over and over again. But never once did she let that bring her down.

She can’t see curses without her glasses, (as someone who wears glasses most of the time, it’s hard to always keep them on your face), and has very limited cursed energy that she must rely on cursed infused objects for battle. But that isn’t the bad kind of relying on because of the fact it makes her extremely skilled and resourceful. She uses a bunch of different weapons and is ‘incredibly strong’.

She is blunt and straightforward, but can also be someone who teaches others. Personally, I’d hate to have her as a teacher because she would push me to every limit I want to avoid but should reach. Maki is the leader of the Tokoyo kids, I can’t take no argument. She will put the protagonist in his place. You don’t get to come back from the dead and act like you are in charge smh.

She admires strength. Her ‘type’ is someone who is strong, but it can be debated what kind of ‘strength’ she means. The Jujutsu world’s restricted view on strength is something that limited her for years and was still limiting her up to the current manga arc. Does she admire someone who’s strength is in their physical, mental, or emotional manifestation? She’s a great character and it gets more expanded in Volume 0. I need to re read that, and omg Maki like lost a crap ton of limbs and now she is like... roasted??

Praying she lives and that her father dies so she can work on becoming the head of the clan, like she wants. Fushigiro has the power but he cut ties with the fam and Mai has no desire. So... Maki as head of the Zenin Clan 2021... well I guess 2018?

Random fact I love: maki’s name has the kanji for “genuine” and “hope”.

Zenin Mai:

I have exhausted this topic. But I’m in love. (I wrote this whole thing and my thing glitched and deleted all my work rip)

Mai is confident and crude. She’s introduced as rude, inconsiderate and just all around your basic mean girl. She’s pretty, she’s confident and she doesn’t care if what she says hurt you.

However, one thing that seperates her from every other character in the story, is that she has no desire nor ambition to be a Jujutsu Sorcerer. As a child, she was scared of curses and it’s implied that she may still be scared of them as a teen. She was content living as a servant in her home because at least she would have a normal life. But, had she stayed in that life she would be living in a toxic household where she got no love and was viewed as lesser than. Despite not wanting to be a jujutus sorcerer, her sister’s ambitions of being one forced her to do the same and try to stay on par with her. At Kyoto, Mai develops... great friendships. She’s given kindness and love. This much can be seen in the conversation with her and Nishimya and the softness in her face when she simply says “I know” over the phone.

Personally, I don’t believe the Kyoto students are aware of Mai’s desires, due to the fact that Nishimya talked about the barriers placed against Mai/Maki as something distasteful for Mai.

Mai is someoen who puts on an act. She plays the part of your basic mean girl because what else is she supposed to do? She’s unhappy, and the only thing she knows how to do is lash out. She only knows and maybe even wants people to feel as bad as she did and does. She’s dependent and has abandonment issues due to her sister’s act of letting go of her hand.

However, what Nobara says is right. Misfortune doesn’t allow one to do what they want or to justify when they do bad things. Mai, like a lot of the Kyoto students, don’t know how to cope and deal with the bundles of emotions and conflict within them. They only know to lash out. In the story, Mai is still a minor character, but she has potential for growth, and I really hope it’s given to her.

Fun fact I love: Her first name contains the Kanji for “Geunine” and “rely on”. I love this because Mai might not even know who her genuine self is and in the recent manga chapters she’s relied on as back up from a distance.

Kasumi Miwa:

She’s the anchor of the Kyoto gang. Unlike the others, she doesn’t have major emotional baggage. She led a simple life and has a simple goal. Miwa wants to be a Jujutus Sorcerer to get enough money to help provide for her poor family.

Her story has a rag-to-riches type beat. She met a Jujutsu mentor who she trained under and learned how to wield a Katana so she wouldn’t have to burden her mother. She’s selfless, kind, and down to earth. Miwa has a fangirl heart and admires big name people like Gojo. She had major self confidence issues, despite all this. She had to work for this and has a goal in mind, but that doesn’t mean she’ll always feel useful.

Her relationship with Mechamaru is bitter sweet. She wants to know him better. Despite it being a prank, she does try to give him little gifts and make him feel included in everything they do. He protects her when his actions as the mole potentially put her endanger. It hurt watching the part of Miwa talking to his empty robot self while he did what he needed to.

And his last messages to her through the little ear pieces 😭😭.Even after knowing what he does, she’s still there to listen and is still there for them to rely on.

Miwa is just a breathe of fresh air in this story, but that doesn’t exclude her from the angst and trauma that comes with a story as dark as this.

Fun fact I love: it’s not a fact, but she wears a full on suit. I love it. I love it so much.

Momo Nishimya:

She’s a little witch 🥺. Momo Nishimya is introduced as somewhat reserved. She expressed nervousness over the abilities of the Tokoyo kids. In her fight with Nobara, she acknowledges her as strong and severely underestimated her. However, like Nobara, she’s willing to defend her friends at any chance she has.

The minute Nobara expresses distaste toward Mai, Nishimya immediate begins to defend her and starts lecturing Nobara on how women are treated unfairly in the jujutsu world. She introduced this idea that a woman must be pretty and strong, and I really hope this idea comes into play more and more later (and I think it will). Despite having a female teacher who is strong yet scarred, she expresses the idea that a scar is setback for a woman.

Her and Mai get along very well. The two of them are somewhat the troublemakers that Miwa constantly has to wrangle in (The dynamic between those three I love). Her character is pretty minor but in the reccent chapters, I loved how she got her mini moment. Itadori and her were the only two who were able to avoid Uraume’s ice and talks to Itadori passively and tries to even work with him. It’s a big step from how she begins with telling Nobara that she is a fool for being unable to distinguish a curse from a friend.

Fun fact I love about her: she’s Japanese American with an American father. Same, but I wasn’t raised Japanese whatsoever 🥲.

I’m going to do a part two with our adult ladies but that’s all for now folks!

Fun facts from the JJK Wiki page!

[juliabohemian]

the sky is falling

Apparently...

I have been a fan of LOKI since he first appeared on screen. I will admit that I did not seek out other fans on social media until after The Dark World. Mostly because I had a lot of other things going on in my life.

I distinctly remember being filled with hope that LOKI would appear in Age of Ultron, and being filled with hope that Ragnarok would magically resolve everything between LOKI and his family. I remember being disappointed about both. I remember having renewed hope that Infinity War or Endgame would somehow make up for those disappointments, only to be further let down by the kind of mediocre writing that is typical of blockbuster movies. That is a disappointment that many of us have shared, and even bonded over.

And I was so relieved to have a fandom where I could share my disappointment. I was happy to critically analyze what had been problematic about LOKI's story so far, even if most of it was due to poor/inconsistent writing as opposed to a conscious decision on anyone's part (minus Ragnarok, probably, but I digress). I was happy to have a place where I could write meta about problematic themes in fictional media and how they might negatively affect those who digest them.

When I found out the LOKI show was happening, I felt the same lurch in my gut that I'm sure you all felt. Will it suck? Will it just be another cash grab, using Tom Hiddleston as a lure? Even the trailers I was seeing in the months beforehand did nothing to quell my fears. The trailers were carefully edited for the sole purpose of gaining viewers for the show. Which is an almost laughable notion, since people would probably have watched it anyway. But I was still apprehensive, right up until the last minute.

Then, I watched episode one.

And I immediately realized a few things.

The first is that what we are seeing, now, is as close to 100% Tom-Hiddleston-approved as ANYTHING we have seen on screen so far. 

Take a minute to let that soak in. What we are seeing is how Tom sees LOKI. It isn't the product of someone else's editing, or someone else's vision. This isn’t a product of LOKI being a side character who they simply don’t have time to develop. This is a show about LOKI.

The second thing I realized is that this show is almost like an AU story that exists separately from everything else. So, LOKI isn't going to be exactly like any other specific version we have seen before. And that's totally fine. Because he has never been in this situation before, we have no idea how he would behave under these circumstances. It is uncharted territory.

Now, I realize that not everyone in the fandom has written fiction, or knows what it's like to construct a long narrative. I can personally attest to throwing in an occasional plot device that made slightly less sense than I would like, simply to put the story where I wanted it to be. I can also attest to completely disregarding minor aspects of canon that would have rendered my story pointless or required me to write an additional 5 chapters, simply to explain them away. That is writing, folks.

What I DO know is that we have only seen episode 1. We don't know what the big picture is yet. And I can tell you that if I had written a story and planned the whole thing out and, after posting chapter 1, people had posted giant rants about how everything I'd done so far was wrong, I would be extremely concerned about the mental health of those people. And I would hope that they would stop reading my story and go find something else to do.

From a purely scientific perspective, we don’t have enough information to draw a conclusion. And yet, I have been inundated with Chicken Little posts about how the sky is falling. I am practically getting whiplash from scrambling to unfollow these people.

This show is not going to be perfect.

There are going to be things about it that you don't like.

It is totally okay not to like the show, or to simply dislike things about it. But PLEASE PLEASE acknowledge that you not liking something does not equate to it being problematic. It doesn't even equate to an objective measurement of the show's value. It just means that YOU don't like it. I feel like a lot of LOKI fans have an image in their heads of who they think LOKI is and they feel so strongly about it, that they would assert their headcanon as being more in character than whatever Tom Hiddleston might choose to do with LOKI. And frankly, that is very sad. It also means that those people will always be disappointed, because you have zero control over what Tom chooses to do with his character.

I think that after so much continued disappointment, many LOKI fans have learned to seek their dopamine reward from criticizing LOKI content, as opposed to actually enjoying it. Because, frankly, that affords them more control over the outcome. If we go into a situation assuming it will be bad, and it turns out to be bad, we get to pat ourselves on the back for our genius. If we go into it hoping that it will be good and it ends up being bad, then we have to cope with that negative feeling. And no one wants to feel disappointed over and over again.

And I’ve realized that all the time I spent ranting about what I didn’t like about the MCU has not been good for me, mentally. It is not healthy to dwell on negative things, unless that dwelling is somehow productive. And this hasn’t been productive. It hasn’t led to anything but more ranting and whining.

I am choosing to have an open mind, not because I think that everything is going to be wonderful, but because it is the most mentally healthy thing for me to do.

I am GRATEFUL to have this show. 

Even if it ends up being less than awesome, I am still grateful to have a show that is all about LOKI, that gives us lots of Tom being LOKI on screen without anyone trying to steal the mic from him. I want to do my best to enjoy it. And so far, I am enjoying it.

And if, when the show is all over, I realize that it contained some genuinely problematic scenes or themes, I will explore those OBJECTIVELY. I will analyze them CRITICALLY.

But we're NOT there yet. 

[p-and-p-admin]

Interview given to The Severus Snape and Hermione Granger Shipping Fan Group.  (sharing here Admin approved)

https://www.facebook.com/groups/199718373383293/

Hello Emma Ficready and welcome to Behind the Quill, it’s wonderful to finally have the chance to chat with you.

Many readers will know you already from works like “Chimaera” and “Sins of the father” for those that don’t,  a Trigger Warning from Emma that  their works contain graphic violence and abuse and may cause distress to some readers. 

Okay, let’s jump right in. What's the story behind your pen name? It's actually my previous name! Although very apt for a fiction writer. Though it's pronounced more like Thick - Reedy, I use it over my new name because my partner does not know I'm a fiction writer, and I  don't think they'd react well if they found out, it's something they'd struggle with. I'm a long term partial carer for them and they have some mental health issues, so I try to avoid any situations that could be a potential trigger. Plus I like having something all to myself. Which Harry Potter character do you identify with the most? I think I would say I probably relate to Severus Snape the most. I can relate to how 'damaged' he is, and how much the bullying he endured as a child, affected the adult he became. Do you have a favourite genre to read? (not in fic, just in general) I think I like to read angst the most, as to me that's more real, I don't generally read stories that are entirely fluffy all the way through. I love a happy ending, but  I can't cope with total fluff because I find it unrelatable, life isn't sunshine and daisies all the time. Do you have a favourite "classic" novel? I don't know if it's old enough to be classed as a classic, but I'd have to say 'To Kill a Mockingbird' by Harper Lee. At what age did you start writing? Very young. I had my first poem published by aged 10. How did you get into writing fanfiction? After being heartbroken at the end of Harry Potter series , I just wanted more and I had been reading fanfiction stories for years. I was constantly looking for stories, I'd get this thought in my head and it was like 'I wonder if I can find a story about this' and when I couldn't I just thought... well why don't I write it? I also find the writing very cathartic. What's the best theme you've ever come across in a fic? Is it a theme represented in your own works? I love hurt / comfort fics. I'm a sucker for it. It is something that I represent quite a lot in my fictions, because I can see both Hermione and Severus in that role in their own individual way. Hermione who is constantly a champion and a voice for others, and Severus who is there quietly and thanklessly fighting for others the entire time, I can see both of them naturally falling into those roles of 'saving' someone , without it being out of character. What fandoms are you involved in other than Harry Potter? I'm not particularly active in any other fandoms, I have always been a Buffy Fan and I love the Inheritance cycle books by Christopher Paolini , though short of reading other fanfictions I am not active in the community like I am with Harry Potter. If you could make one change to canon, what would it be? The epilogue, probably the  most common answer you get  and I know everyone is going to expect me to say because she never should've married Ron, but I can see her marrying him and subsequently divorcing him as being true to Character but I'd change the epilogue because I don't think Hermione would or should ever have settled for being a ministry worker, she deserved so much more. Do you have a favourite piece of fanon? I don't know if this counts but... Severus's Patronus changing after he survives the war. I see the doe as symbolic to the debt he felt he owed her, and I like the thought of the visual change of patronus, representing the emotional change he goes through in accepting the past and moving on now he feels that he's fulfilled his promises. Do you listen to music when you write or do you prefer quiet? Quiet! I love music, the heavier the better actually, but I have to be in the right frame of mind for it. Otherwise I can sometimes get sensory overload. I hate white noise and things like asmr, I often wear hats or headbands, or have my hood up to block out some noise. What are your favourite fanfictions of all time? How long have you got? Honestly that's not an easy question to answer, and it doesn't have one answer. But I could say that some of the stories I find myself reading over and over again are 'Sin & Vice' , 'Another Dream' and 'Lay me low'. There's no way I could write all my favourites down here, but they're the ones I re-read most often. My favourite WIP is probably ' Inkstains' Are you a plotter or a pantser? 90% Panster. I will literally have one small idea, it could  be one small interaction, one conversation or one event that pops into my head and I will end up writing a story around that one small thing. My story signs entirely stemmed from the one interaction of Severus handing Hermione the note. I knew I wanted that, and then it was by the pants from then on How does that affect your writing process? It means that I do update my stories in a regular order, so no one story is left too long without an update. I literally sit down, crack my knuckles and go 'right, I'm writing the next chapter of this story now. I write it and post it as soon as it's finished. I write from my phone too, so I apologise for any grammatical or spelling errors, auto-correct is the bane of my life at times What is your writing genre of choice? Have you read my fictions!? Interviewer: Well yeah, but I’m asking because you’ll be new to at least  some of the audience. (chuckles) Ha. Sorry. Angst, all the way. I write angst and hurt/comfort, very dark stories as I pull a lot of my ideas from the real life experiences of myself and friends I met in therapy. Writing about trauma is very cathartic for me and helps me process my own feelings about my own history. Which of your stories are you most proud of? Why? Did it unfold as you imagined it or did you find the unexpected cropped up as you wrote? What did you learn from writing it? How personal is the story to you, and do you think that made it harder or easier to write? That's a tough one, as there are elements to all of them that are important to me. None of the stories I write quite unfold like I imagined they would, they just sort of take off and I'm along for the ride. I'd be remiss not to talk about Not the Same girl at this point, as that story has probably had the biggest impact for me, the responses it's had and the people reaching out to me, both positively and negatively. I've had some outright hate over that fic, and abusive messages to the point that I almost gave in altogether and I think because of that people will expect me to say Not the Same girl is the fiction I relate to most, and while I do draw a lot from personal experience it's actually Father Mine as that resonates with me on a more personal level, that and an as yet unpublished WIP I have in the works, I think the huge dichotomy of feedback I've had for stories like Not the Same girl though, have both given me a thicker skin to the hate and encouraged me through the sheer overwhelming amount of people who’ve reached out, that find the stories cathartic in dealing with their own trauma, which is gratifying as an author to do that for people, when I myself am looking for that same release in writing it. It's great to have this mutual satisfaction and it's really rewarding. What books or authors have influenced you? How do you think that shows in your writing? I think probably going to refer back to Harper Lee and to kill a mockingbird. The whole premise of telling a story that no one wants to hear or acknowledge, the things that are widely known but rarely spoken about. In “To kill a mockingbird” it's sexism, racism and prejudice against others based on their mental health or intelligence but we still see this so much in daily life, about how much hate and horror and suffering is seen in day to day life, the trauma that so many people have suffered is widely known but swept under the rug because it's easier. No. Hell No. Fuck that. Hiding doesn't change any of it, it may be under the rug but it's still there. People rape other people, people hurt other people, people discriminate based on gender, sexual preferences, skin colour, occupation, people have suffered in life and are damaged by it. Acknowledge it. Don't  brush it under the rug, don't ignore it because it's more comfortable for most people, shine the light on it and say. "This is real. This happens. We need to acknowledge it and we need to do something about it"  And I think that's shown in my writing , I don't glorify  anything, I'm not writing snuff but I don't hide anything either. I make people see this is something that I won't gloss over. Does it make you uncomfortable? Good , it should. If people are uncomfortable , at least they are acknowledging the realness of that situation and not ignoring it. Do people in your everyday life know you write fanfiction? How true for you is the notion of "writing for yourself"? Nobody knows I write fanfiction,  I use a previous name and I very much write for my own cathartic relief. I chose not to share that I write fiction because I'm a carer for my partner, I don't know how they'd react, it could honestly go either way where they'd be absolutely fine or it would trigger them and I'd have to stop, that's the reason I keep it to myself, I'd hate to do something that would mean I'd have to stop writing, not when so many people are so emotionally invested in the stories that I write. How important is it for you to interact with your audience? How do you engage with them? Just at the point of publishing? Through social media? Reviews man. Reviews are the nectar of life, I read every single one and though I don't have time  to reply to most, trust me when I say that I treasure each one and appreciate them immensely. I have my social media which I find the easiest way to speak to people , I have my own Page on Facebook and I'm on a number of SS/HG groups. It's hugely important to me to speak to my audience and I really encourage them to get in touch with me, I'm always happy to talk about my work and people have been in touch just to talk about their feelings or emotions that have been triggered by my work and I welcome it all.  I mean, I've got people translating my stories them into French, into Russian...it's crazy, I never expected it to be so popular and I am always happy to hear from people. Though I apologise if I don't respond straight away,  I have to write on the sly and sometimes real life takes over, so I can't log in for a week or more at a time.   What is the best advice you've received about writing? First and Foremost, write for yourself. The rest is just gravy. What do you do when you hit writer's block? I move on to another story. I always have more than one WIP at any one time, If I can't find inspiration for one, I'll update another, or start a jumble of notes for others. There's always something that needs to be written down, even if it wasn't what I had planned on. Has anything in real life trickled down into your writing? Very much so. Almost all the trauma and hurt and situations that appear in my stories are either translated from my own experiences or those of people I know. Do you have any stories in the works? Can you give us a teaser? I had a number of stories in the works! When A Cure For Magic is completed, I will most likely post the next one up. I can't give too much away , but the next story is called "Catching Fire" and will be an incredibly dark story, with a lot of morally grey characters. Any words of encouragement to other writers? Just do it.  If you want to write it,. write it. First and foremost write for yourself. Don't listen to anyone who's negative ,or unsupportive. I get so many people message me saying things like 'I want to be a writer', but don't know where to start' and to which my answer is you already are a writer. Writing is 99% mental, you have the words, they're there in your head, you just haven't put them down yet. Thanks so much for giving us your time.   Any time , it's been great and I'm happy to answer questions any time , thank you for inviting me.

[theolddarkmachine]

Imaginary- Chapter Four

Midoriya Izuku’s life was turned upside by fate.

Eri’s life was turned upside down by circumstance.

And Bakugou Katsuki is about to learn that even imaginary friends need to grow up.

Also on AO3

A/N: So this is a day later than planned cuz shit be crazy lol apologies for that >.< I’m going to try and maintain my weekly Monday posting but due to the circumstances I have gotten a chapter behind in my writing so next week maaaay be delayed. Just a heads up. But hopefully today’s chapter will make up for that <3

*****************

“Bakugou, my man!” The file room attendant exclaims with gusto, finger guns, and a smarmy smile that makes Katsuki’s skin crawl. A 4 foot tall thorn in just about everyone’s sides, the guy had more or less been banished to the darkest, innermost workings of the imaginary friend offices.

He’s sure he found it some kind of upgrade.

Barely containing his eye roll, Katsuki fixes his glare on the purple colored half pint. What was his name again?

Monoma?

Monokuma?

Whatever.

“Shut it, Purple People Eater,” he scoffs, not returning the smile or the fist bump that the grape fucker has held up to him.

“Mm, I prefer One Eyed Monster, thanks,” the small man says, unperturbed as he gives his eyebrows a waggle and a quick thrust of his hips. “If you know what I mean.”

He doesn’t, and he really, really does not want to.

“Whatever, let me in,” Katsuki growls, throwing his sunset red gaze over the short man’s shoulder and toward the gleaming glass that separates the rest of the waiting area from the file room.

To be quite honest, he isn’t sure he actually has the authority to enter, but he sure as hell knows that this little purple shit wouldn’t know either.  At least he could help him out in that way.

“And what will you give me if I do?” He asks, putting an elbow on the white surface of his desk and leaning his cheek into his palm. Looking up at Katsuki, his smile reeks of shit as he traces the ring finger of his free hand blindly around the desk’s surface. It pulls a loud groan from deep in his own chest as he drops his palms down onto the desk and leans danger close into the attendant’s space.

“I won’t punch you in the goddamn nuts, now let me in,” Katsuki threatens, throwing the weight into his words in a way that would work on anyone else. Faux shock and surprise cracks the purple man’s mouth wide as he pushes back.

“You would threaten the Mineta family jewels?” He chokes out, eyes almost comically wide as he drops his hands to his lap. Though covered by the desk, Katsuki doesn’t need to see to know he’s cupping his junk in some show to protect them.

That’s right, he thinks as he rolls his eyes again. Fucking Mineta was his name.

“I’ll threaten more than that if I’m still in front of this desk in the next 30 seconds,” Katsuki growls low and slow, flicking his gaze between Mineta and the doors in hopes that he would be free of this conversation quicker than that.

“Fine, fine, some friend you must make,” Mineta sighs, pulling his hands back up above the desk. “Is making the kids cry part of you schtick?”

Briefly, Katsuki wonders if anyone would really mind if he put the purple fuck out of his misery.

“Now, Mineta!” He snaps, throwing his annoyance behind his words and turning them into blades. It seems to have the opposite effect of what he wanted, as Mineta’s mouth twists upward into a smile.

“Aw, you said my name! I knew we were friends,” Mineta preens as he stabs a finger into a button tucked into the corner of his desk. The soft sound of the glass doors sliding open behind him is the only thing that keeps Katsuki from throwing himself across the desk and strangling the little shit.

Instead, he growls, saying nothing else as he stomps his way loudly through the now open doors.

On the other side, the file room looks clinical, almost sterile, as it stands proudly wrapped in white and chrome. Several shelves fill the space and line the walls, all filled with what looks like endless files separated by alphabetized dividers.

Fuck, he thinks, moving further into the room, pushed forward by the soft hush of the doors closing behind him and leaving him alone to the silence of the file room.

Truth be told, Katsuki doesn’t truly know what he’s looking for. All he knows, is that he can’t get the way Midoriya had looked at him that fateful day in his mother’s backyard. Or, had looked through him.

The jungle lush of his stare had seemed to haunt his dreams, and Katsuki could almost swear he felt it in the house while he was there with Eri. Of course, he knows that can’t possibly be true given these past few days he’d done everything in his power to try and get the man to acknowledge his existence again.

Moving the living room furniture, decorating his walls, and starting a bubble party had all been a bust, but there had been the brief moment after the roof incident where Midoriya had seemingly threatened him.

That, however, might have just been the poor guy cracking. The jury was still out on that one.

Even so, the words had stuck like a barb between his ribs, and followed him to bed that night, leaving him restless and somewhat wanting. Which had been a whole other can of worms on its own.

Katsuki wanted to know more about the circumstance, and if he listened to the annoying small voice at the back of his head, wanted to know more about Midoriya. The latter he couldn’t really do much about, but the former, well, he at least could snoop around in past files to try and find out more about.

As far as he knew, no imaginary friends were ever heard or seen by anyone aside from the friends that they had been assigned to. He’s sure if they had, it would have spread through the office like wildfire, carried on the back of every goddamn gossip that worked there. If anything, it would have gone as an office myth, almost like the Mothman or Bigfoot.

He knows he could probably just ask an Administrator, but that same annoying voice had stopped him, instead urging him to keep the development close to his chest for now.

So he did, and now here he was, and he didn’t know what the hell he was supposed to be looking for.

Sighing to himself, Katsuki stops his mindless shuffle toward the back of the room and blindly grabs a file that had been shoved just behind the T divider.

Quickly opening the light colored folder, he scans his gaze quickly over the neatly written paperwork.

Name: Togata Mirio

Age: 5 years

Friend: Sasaki Mirai

Assignment Administrator: Yagi Toshinori

Skimming through the boring administrative information, Katsuki briefly reads the administrator notes that detail the reasons for the child needing a friend. Jumping word to word, Katsuki barely registers the notes on the following page of the file. Scribbled in Sasaki’s neat handwriting, it does nothing more than note that after a few months with him, the kid’s sunny demeanor had blossomed into something a lot more genuine, especially now that he’d made a friend that wasn’t imaginary.

A happy ending, but nothing that could help Katsuki in the slightest with his current dilemma.

“God dammit,” he huffs angrily, dropping the file on the shelf in front of the space he’d pulled it from. Turning quickly over his shoulder, he skims the shelf, looking for anything that might catch his eye in some vain hope that it might offer him some kind of answer.

Blindly choosing another file, Katsuki flips it open and moans seeing his own name listed at the top of the page.

The smack of the file on the metallic shelf as he throws it down echoes through the room as he stalks away from the shelves he stands in front of and toward the one situated along the back wall.

“Come on,” he grumbles lowly to himself, casting his glance across the files and grabbing them at random.

Open, skim, get pissed, shut, move on.

Repeating the process several times over, Katsuki finds himself in the front corner of the room, anger scalding his veins as he drops down into a squat. Pushing his elbows into the meat of his thighs, Katsuki presses the heels of his palms into his eyes and tries to breathe.

“What a fucking waste of time,” he grumbles to himself, timing his breathes to the sparks that light up the backs of his eyelids with the pressure of his hands. It had been a long shot to think he would find anything that might help him with this situation, whatever the fuck this situation even was.

That knowledge didn’t make the disappointment taste any less bitter at the back of his throat as he finally drops his hands. The light cuts brighter across his vision when he opens his eyes, making him grumble once more.

Placing his palms on his knees, Katsuki makes to push himself back up, only stopping when his gaze finds a dark blue folder tucked into the very bottom corner of the shelf.

Extending his reach toward it, he frees the file from its tight fit, noting carefully that it seems to be far thinner than the others. With a low, curious hum, he flicks it open.

Name: Torino Sorahiko

Age: 7 years

Friend: Shimura Nana

Assignment Administrator: Banjo Daigoro

Administrator Notes: Recent loss of both parents. Child exhibits aggression towards uncle, who has taken him in. Friend should prioritize healthy coping, and providing a mentor figure to look up to.

Turning the page over, Katsuki feels his eyebrow quirk as he notes the handwriting of the Administrator once more in the section meant for the kid’s friend.

Friend Notes: Friendship terminated after one week. Shimura Nana reports child caretaker made verbal acknowledgement of her presence. Replacement chosen and new file started.

Interesting, he thinks, rereading the short notes twice. Each time the word terminated stand proud and bold amongst the rest, catching on his thoughts. Katsuki supposes it makes sense that that would be the course of action. The secretive nature of the job was an unspoken requirement. They may not have touched base on what to do if anyone besides your friend sees you, but the certainly didn’t encourage being seen either.

Friendship terminated. The words flit through his mind again as he closes the file and pushes it back into its space.

“That’s not an option,” Katsuki says, resolute in the unanswering quiet of the file room as he stood up.

In a funny enough twist of fate, he came to find he actually enjoyed Eri’s company. It had been nice not having to deal with any little punks, and yeah, he realizes he’s technically a punk, but it wasn’t like he ever said he’d be his own friend.

Eri, though.

While the girl was far more quiet than he was used to, she was smart as a whip and courageous. No matter what kind of scheme he’d come up with, her eyes had lit up with unspoken excitement in a way he wasn’t entirely used to.

Katsuki, as it would seem, had a soft spot for the girl.

Not that he’d ever admit that out loud, but there it was all the same.

Making another quick round through the room, Katsuki tucks the files he’d pulled back into their spaces.

Suddenly, it didn’t seem so bad that Midoriya didn’t acknowledge him.

Honestly, thank fuck for it, he thinks, as he replaces the last folder. As far as he’s concerned, there was nothing to report as long as Midoriya continued to be blind to to his existence. The first time was most likely a fluke, and that second time was surely just his nerves getting the best of him.

Sending a cursory glance across the room, Katsuki nods to himself.

Yeah, that’s it, he thinks before stepping back out into the room.

With that settled, it was time to go see what the Midoriyas were up to.

***

“Why do you want Daddy Izuku to see you so bad?” Eri asks, sipping loudly from her juice box and swinging her legs that aren’t quite long enough to reach from the dining room chair she sits on. Her brows pull up in question as she watches Katsuki, waiting his answer.

“It’s the opposite, squirt, I really don’t want your Daddy Izuku to see me,” he replies, settling his hip onto the edge of the counter and taking a long drag from his own juice box.

Say what you would of the profession, at least as an imaginary friend he never really had to worry about when he’d get his next apple juice fix.

“Do you not like him?” She counters, eyes growing fierce in a way that would be scary if she was several feet taller. Be that as it may, it’s just kind of cute, and Katsuki has to swallow his laugh with another mouthful of juice.

“Down, girl,” he says gruffly, pulling the straw from his mouth and holding his hands up as a show of peace. “Didn’t say that, I’m just not supposed to be seen by anyone else.”

“Why?” Eri asks, cocking her head to the side. Gaze softening into open curiosity, she waited as Katsuki sucks the rest of his juice box dry.

Friendship terminated.

The words flash against his mind’s eye, stark and cutting as he closed his fist around the husk of his juice box before dropping it in the trash across from him. Pushing away from the counter, he drops down to his haunches in front of Eri.

“Because I’m your imaginary friend,” he emphasizes, ruffling her hair and earning a small giggle. “Now let’s see that board game you wanted to kick my butt in.”

Smiling brightly around the juice box straw still caught between her teeth, Eri noisily slurps up the last of her juice.

“Okay!” She exclaims happily as she holds the box up to him and attempts to crush it the same way he had. After only managing to dent it’s sides, she puts it on the table before hopping off her seat and heading toward the stairs.

The soft thump of her steps as she ascended the stairs grew more distant as Katsuki eyes the juice box carcass laying on the table.

That brat, he thinks fondly, shaking his head as he grabs the discarded cardboard and tosses it beside his own in the trash.

With a small, thoughtful sound captured in the back of his throat, Katsuki moves his way out of the kitchen and toward the living room. Familiarity, warm and unknown, wraps itself around his shoulders as he eyes the area. It’s simplistic in its furnishings, nothing extra outside of the couch, coffee table, and entertainment center, yet every bit of it breathes the word home in a way that’s almost disconcerting.

Because this wasn’t his home.

This was Eri’s.

And Midoriya’s.

But not his.

Friendship terminated.

Shaking the cumbersome words from where they whisper at his ear, Katsuki shoves his hands deep into his pockets before moving through the room and towards the opposite wall.

Four photos hang proudly from the wall, offset in a geometrical pattern at what seems to be a bid at design.

The first, is a photo of both Midoriyas, accompanied by a tired looking purple haired man. Eri’s eyes are downcast slightly, not looking directly at the camera’s lens as she smiles weakly from where she stands tucked between the two uniformed men. Kneeling beside her, Midoriya’s smile is a bit wider and a lot less tired as his arm protectively wrapped around her shoulder. The stranger stood to the other side of Eri, a bit of distance kept between him and what Katsuki can only assume was the newly minted Midoriya family as he smiles softly, eyes not actually on the camera but on the pair beside him.

Looking at the purple haired man, Katsuki feels something bristle down his spine. With a loud tsk, he moves to the next two photos that are positions as a stacked pair.

The photo on the top shows Eri, looking more like the one he can hear rummaging around upstairs. Wearing a soft yellow dress and clutching one strap of her bright pink backpack, her smile is much wider than the first photo as she points blindly behind her toward what looks like a daycare.

Briefly, he wonders if Midoriya cried dropping her off to what was presumably her first day.

Nerd, he thinks brusquely to himself with a low chuckle before moving his eyes down to the photo beneath it.

Eri’s grandmother hugs her tight in the confines of the frame, her mouth split wide around a laugh as she crushes the small girl to her. It’s sweet. Almost unbearably so, if only because the exact moment in time looks like a first meeting. One that was life changing in the best of ways, if the line of tears on the older woman’s cheeks are anything to go by.

Swallowing down a tickle at the back of his throat, Katsuki moves his gaze to the fourth and final photo at the end of the grouping of frames.

It’s different from the others.

Worn and creased, as if it had known a life stuffed in a pocket, the faded photo shows a young man and woman. Both with silvery blond hair, neither is looking at the camera, but instead between them towards a small bundle held in the woman’s arms. The baby, with it’s eyes blissfully shut in sleep, has the same shock of silver atop its head.

Feeling a sting zip just over the space of his heart, Katsuki feels his handing reaching out toward the photo when a confused sound shatters his thoughts.

“Who the fuck are you,” the voice is dark and dangerous, simmering with authority and power, “and what the fuck are you doing in my house?”

The question, in all its suddenness, makes Katsuki bristle. Shock and confusion pull his shoulders tight, his fists automatically coming together in fists as he bites down on the urge to turn around.

Friendship terminated.

The words taunt him as he swallows the bubbling anger that burns at the back of his throat, leaving blackened char and grey ash dry on his tongue.

He can’t be talking to me, Katsuki thinks. Pleads, if he’s being honest, as he keeps his gaze stuck on the happy family in the aged photo. Time stalls, dragging to a near halt as he feels his breathing shallow in almost the same way as from the man behind him.

A stare, heavy and angry sits between his shoulder blades as he chews a hole into his cheek in an attempt to keep the flare of indignant words behind his teeth.

Then, the frozen moment shatters. Quick like a car crash, the burning grasp of a hand is at the back of his neck as a foot swipes his own out from under him. The photos tilt as he’s pushed down to the ground with his cheek pressed into the carpet and a knee high on his back.

A sharp stab of pain burrows deep into the meat of his shoulder as his arm is leveraged further behind him.

“I won’t ask again, who the fuck are you, and what are you doing in my house?”

Midoriya’s question is filled with threat, which only makes the anger steaming in Katsuki’s veins go hotter until he feels like he’ll burn with it. Shaking hard against the hold that’s keeping him pressed close down into the cream colored carpet, Katsuki growls.

“What the fuck?” He rumbles angrily, to himself just as much as to Midoriya.

What the fuck, he thinks again, this time hurling it out to whatever fate could possibly be in charge of what had to be some kind of sick cosmic joke.

Friendship terminated.

“That’s my line,” Midoriya replies, mouth at his ear as he pulls Katsuki’s arm into a harsher angle that makes his shoulder scream.

“Now, who sent you?”

Confusion sluices through the cloud of pain and rage that’s muddled Katsuki’s thoughts as he tries to eye Midoriya the best he can from where he’s shoved into the carpet. Those green eyes, the ones that have looked through him so many times are trained on him now, carving into him with a hard ferocity. Anger and an oddly colored emotion fight bitterly in his chest as his brain trips over what to say.

Katsuki liked to think he was prepared for anything, but it was there, with his face shoved to the ground that he truly wished there had been some kind of crash course on what to do when your charge’s parent saw you. What the fuck was the point of all those damn manuals they gave every imaginary friend if they didn’t touch base on something as important as this.

Friendship terminated.

Those two words continued to spin round and round through his thoughts, catching them and muddying them like dirty dishwater spiraling down a drain.

“No one fucking sent me, what is wrong with you?” Katsuki finally snarls, pushing up against the hold on him again to no avail. It seemed Midoriya was stronger than his doe eyes had let on, and it would be something Katsuki would admire if he wasn’t the one caught by it.

“Then why, the fuck, are you in my house,” Midoriya says, less as a question and more as an accusation as Katsuki writhed beneath him. Twisting his torso slightly, his gaze finds the photo of Eri and her grandmother. A spark of a half formed idea lights his brain as he continues to wiggle in Midoriya’s hold.

“My grandma,” he chokes out angrily, his free hand finally finding enough purchase in the ground to push himself up. The movement forces Midoriya off him as he turns to look at him from a crouch.

The man looks almost feral from his mirrored pose as he returns Katsuki’s stare. His green eyes are almost glowing as they appraise him, more akin to a wild animal than a human, as Katsuki slowly holds his hands up to Midoriya in the same way he had to Eri none to long before.

“This was her house. I was just fucking checking in.”

Those words tumble quickly from his mouth, their insincerity making them fall like stones before him. Even to his own ears, the lie sounds paper thin. Sparks light the air between them with sharp crackles as they hold each others gazes. Chest going tight with the sudden thickness of the air, Katsuki feels his fists clench at his sides.

If he’s about to have his friendship terminated, he might as well go out in a blaze of glory.

Steeling himself for the inevitable, he sets his jaw and shifts his weight slightly back so he can be ready to spring.

“Well knock before you just walk into someone’s house,” Midoriya finally huffs, each word a defter blow than any he could have landed with his fists. Shock levels his brain and snatches Katsuki’s words as he watches Midoriya stand and dust himself off before offering him a hand.

“You’re lucky I’m already a cop, so I didn’t feel the need to call any.”

Eyeing Midoriya’s hand, Katsuki finds himself stupidly noticing the scars that have roughened them. The thought makes him grit his teeth before getting up on his own, ignoring Midoriya’s offer as he brushes at his shirt and pants.

“Some cop you are, fucking tackling innocent people,” he growls to himself, startling slightly when he hears the man chuckle softly.

“Some grandson you are, not knowing your grandma’s house got sold,” Midoriya challenges with a half cocked smile. Anger, fresh and bleeding, flashes in Katsuki as he shoves his hands deep into his pockets for the sake of having something to do with them.

“Whatever,” he says flatly as he pushes past Midoriya and towards the front door. Overtly aware to the quiet the suddenly fills the space around them as he makes his way to the exit, Katsuki can’t help the feeling of relief that floods him as grabs a hold of the doorknob.

“Hey, I’m sorry,” Midoriya calls out to him in a way that doesn’t sound like he’s that sorry at all. “It’s been a weird few months, and we don’t really do too well with strangers here.”

I don’t talk to strangers, Eri’s statement from their first meeting cuts through his mind as he turns the knob.

Like father, like daughter, he supposes.

It would make him laugh if he wasn’t so thoroughly pissed off.

“Do you want a drink or something? It probably won’t make up for getting a face full of carpet,” Midoriya’s voice tapers off. At least he has it in him to sound sheepish about it. Too bad that won’t help Katuski’s pride or the brambles of what this latest development means for his current job.

“Nah, I should get out of here,” Katsuki mutters, making a mental note to apologize to Eri for disappearing when he gets the change. Opening the door, he’s met by the brightness of the sun and escaped.

“Midoriya Izuku,” he hears behind him.

Turning his gaze away from the outdoors, he fixes it on Eri’s father before inelegantly grunting, “hah?”

“My name. I’m Midoriya Izuku.”

Katsuki knows his name. Has known from the start. It was part of the job. Yet, hearing his name coming from the man himself in the form of an introduction brushes a tickle across his skin. Dragging his gaze slowly over Midoriya, as if he might be able to pull some sort of answer to abate the confusion he feels. Finally pulling his attention back up to Midoriya’s waiting look, he gives a curt nod.

“Bakugou Katsuki,” he returns before pushing his way through the door and closing it tightly behind him.

****************************************

[starr-fall-knight-rise]

Humans are Space Orcs “Apathy”

Ok everyone, this was a super big pain to try to get into four pages. I apologize in advance for any inaccuracies that you see here, but there is a lot that I cannot fit in to make it more accurate.

WARNING! For anyone who doesn’t want to see images of PTSD, violence or some self harm, you probably don’t want to read this. 

This is a very important chapter for you to understand some things I have planned for upcoming posts. As always critiques, questions comments, prompts, ideas and messages are always welcome.

Krill peered around the doorframe into the captain’s quarters, he definitely planned on speaking with him about Sunny, this was the third time in two days she had slammed her head into a doorframe because she wasn’t looking: mostly because she was listening to music. To keep the integrity of her skull, he thought it might be best to limit her music time, for her health or course.

When he came around the corner, he found Captain Vir kneeling on the floor with Waffles, scratching her behind the ears with one hand and fitting her into a vest with the other. Krill was only just beginning to understand the human script but he thought he read.

Service Dog DO NOT TOUCH.

“Captain, what is that?” He wondered, completely forgetting his earlier question.

Captain Vir looked up from where he knelt rubbing the dog’s ears, “Oh, It’s her service vest.” When Krill didn’t seem to understand, the man continued, “Sometimes human’s train dogs to help people with stuff like a disability, medical condition or mental illness. The vest allows her to go into places other dogs can’t.”

“Oh…. Is that because of your leg than?”

The captain shook his head, “No, I used to have pretty severe PTSD after coming home from the war. I don’t so much now, but sometimes I have my days.”

Krill shifted a little nervously, “May I ask��.” He trailed off not sure how to phrase the question.

Vir grinned at him, “Krill, you know you can ask me anything right, but I get what you’re trying to say… the war ending was actually worse for me than the war itself.”

***

Lieutenant Vir lay on his bunk in the dim lighting listening to the sound of the ship’s distant engines. His missing leg throbbed.  Even with it gone, it was still destined to haunt him. Door opened a crack, he listened with apathy as the Captain spoke to one of the other officers

“How are they?”

A long pause followed, “About as good as you’d expect.”

The captain gave a long sigh, and Vir could hear the sound of his clothes shifting, “Well, we just started our descent, so get them up, and let’s get these boys home.”

***

Vir sat in the shuttle as it rocked underneath him. He looked down at his missing leg, and the shitty surplus prosthetic they had given him, the knee didn’t even bend forcing him to limp around on crutches. He had already fallen more times than he could count. He squeezed his eyes shut as the ship rocked harder trying to force down the panic as the sound of the ship’s engines grew louder and louder in his ears. His leg throbbed with the beating of his heart, and his breathing sped up.

They touched down some minutes later his head ringing as the shuttle coasted to a stop and the doors were opened. He gathered up his crutches and levered himself to his feet limping horribly at the awful prosthetic and his stupid crutches. He slipped coming off the ramp landing hard on his side. The soldiers on the tarmac rushed forward to help him up, but he angrily shrugged them off. They stepped back hesitantly as he struggled to his foot, hip smarting. He could feel his eyes growing hot with unshed tears, but he forced those down too angrily limping away from the ship head down. He didn’t want to see their faces, the pity, the cripple.

He felt so stupid angry at that idiot boy obsessed over aliens and UFOs. If he had just been normal, none of this would have happened. Even the thought of aliens made him sick, made him want to curl up, to run away, though he couldn’t even run now. His throat tightened; he felt as if a massive hand came down to constrict his chest.  Still nursing his bitter thoughts, he was ushered through a door into the terminal, and there he saw them. His mother and father waiting for him by baggage claim.

They saw him too, and he watched the look on his mother’s face as her eyes widened, and her hands shot up to cover her mouth. His father’s expression never changed much, but now an expression of anger, and then horror shot though him for a small moment. Upon seeing them, the hotness returned to Vir’s eyes.

They met him halfway, his mother crying, and his father stoically silent. She wrapped him up in her arms in a way that she never had before. This time, he couldn’t contain the heat, and he felt the tears beginning to spill down his cheeks as he rested his head against her shoulder.

***

The sky above was blue, or it should have been. Everything seemed so grey these day. Vir sat on the back porch of his childhood home scanning the shrubs at the back of the yard for signs of movement. He didn’t mean to do it, it was just habit at this point. His head snapped to the side thinking he had seen a flash of blue form the corner of his eye, but no. He went back to scanning the trees acutely aware of the emptiness that so haunted him. From his new spot on the porch, he was just able to hear any conversation coming from the kitchen. He had heard a lot of conversations about him these days, about how he wasn’t himself, about how their happy boy was gone, about how he needed help, about how the VA sucked (yeah, about a thousand years later and the VA still sucked).

He would feel bad for his parents, if he could FEEL anything, anything but anger, or fear. He couldn’t go out in public anymore, he got overwhelmed in crowd, and sudden noises had him ducking for cover. The more crowded an area, the more flashbacks he got, the more panic attacks.

And he still couldn’t walk very well. That made him angry. He just wanted to run, to get away from his problems, but you can’t run from your problems when you can’t even run. He dropped his head into his hands, but looked back up almost immediately scanning the yard once again.

A hand on his shoulder, “Adam.”

The flashback was immediate and violent, the Drev looming against a blood red sky. Pain.

When his vision cleared, he was on his feet, and his mother….. she was backed against the doorframe hand to her mouth.

She was bleeding.

He stepped back, “Mom… I…. I’m.” And then he ran, as much running as he could do. He slipped on the floor barely catching himself on the wall before running into his room and slamming the door locking it behind him. He slid down the other side of the door shaking staring at his hands stomach churning in abject horror.

He was a monster.

He dropped his head against his knee biting his hand to choke back the sobs.

He could hear them knocking on the door begging him to come out, to talk to them. She wasn’t mad, she was sorry, she shouldn’t have snuck up on him, apologizing like it was her fault, when everyone knew it was his. He bit down even harder filling his mouth with warm copper.

Around the room, posters stared at him with accusing eyes. Accusing alien eyes.

Aliens.

He closed his eyes but could still feel their staring at him their accusations. What right did they have to accuse him, after taking his leg? The anger welled up inside him, until he couldn’t contain it.

With all the hatred he had pent up for them, he clawed his way to his feet, he ripped the posters from the walls throwing them to the floor, tearing them into pieces, he smashed figurines spilling glass across the floor, he ripped pictures from books, tore sketches from drawing books until his hands were bleeding.

Outside, his father hammered on the door demanding to be let in. His mother cried.

***

He lay on the floor amidst the pages and the glass removed from everything wallowing in apathy. The anger had trained away to be replaced by the nothingness. The voices outside his door ad stopped hours ago, after he had acknowledged to his parents he was still alive. They were worried, but his father hasn’t been able to break down the door. He had tried.

A soft click, the door swung open.

Adam turned in surprised to find David kneeling at the level of the door holding a set of lock picks.

He was alone.

“Hey baby brother, you look like shit.”

Adam turned his head away, “Just leave me alone.”

David moved forward standing over him, “No, Adam, you crossed a line today. I know you’re sick, and it isn’t your fault, but it’s time to get help.” David reached down and grabbed him by the shoulders hauling him to his feet with an immense amount of strength, “Come on, let’s go.”

“I know a guy, and he’s promised to get you help.”

***

They sat in the waiting room Him and David filling out the final paperwork. His brother had been a pest, but at least he hadn’t treated him like a glass sculpture. He talked to him the same, joked with him the same, and told him when he was being a jerk. It was annoying, but it was kind of nice.

As he was making the last signature something padded across the floor. There was a light pressure on his knee, and he looked down to find a large set of brown eyes looking up at him.

The dog wagged its tail. The vest glittered red and black in the overhead lights.

A woman stood a few feet away smiling as the dog shoved its snout forward forcing him to stroke its ears. It made a soft grumble crawling halfway into his lap resting its head against him as he ran a hand down her soft fur.

He smiled for the first time in months.

Waffles was a good girl, she help him during the flashbacks and the panic, the stopped him from continuing with poor coping habits, she led him away from overwhelming areas, and she kept people at a safe distance when that didn’t work.

Slowly, he got better.

***

He sat on the floor with Waffles sitting next to him, “And this is a Rundi, I saw them the most when I was out. They fought with us in the war, fast suckers, but they couldn’t take a hit worth a damn. I should have more information around her somewhere.” He shuffled through the pile of papers with waffles resting her head on his knee staring up at him with big brown eyes.

A soft knock at the door.

He looked up to find his mother standing there. He smiled at her and she beamed back walking in to sit next to him reaching over to rub waffles across the belly. The dog grumbled, “Who’s my favorite girl?”

“Mom, I think I’m ready to get back to work.”

She beamed, “That’s great Adam, what are you going to do?”

He sat running a hand over his new prosthetic, it had helped a lot over his old one. All the joints articulated, even the toes (which definitely helped his balance) after months of physical therapy, you couldn’t even tell he was missing a leg. He even managed to stand up on moving busses so others could have his seat. He took the dog out for daily runs regaining the fitness he had lost during those long months after the war.

“I’m going back.”

She looked confused, “Back to where?”

“The army, mother, I want to see the rest of what’s out there.”

She didn’t much like that idea.

She was very worried about what would happen if he were to ever meet a Drev.

[ontherockswithsalt]

A Made Man

(chapter index)

(ao3 story link)

A/N: I had been posting a lot of my Pretty Woman crossover, This Charming Man, but I’m back on this epic beast of The Penthouse universe. Noble and Bianca have left New York after their whirlwind of a trip and we pick up from there. 

Chapter 39.

“More?” I verify.

“Yeah. As far as it’ll go.”

“I don’t want to get it stuck.” Propping my knee on top of the step ladder, I lean up and peer down the hole in Vinny’s drywall where I’m attempting to feed the cords to his new TV down behind the wall.

Crouched on the floor below awaiting the ends of the cords through a separate hole, Vinny just laughs. “Here we go. Got it.”

“I think this violates a building code or two, Vin.”

“Probably.” He agrees, unbothered before he moves to stand up. “But this TV’s gonna look sick on Super Bowl Sunday and I better see you here.”

“Yeah, alright.” I step back off the ladder and the two of us position ourselves to lift an end of the newly unboxed television sitting in the corner of his living room. 

“Does Nick like football?”

I nod as we carry it closer to the wall. “Yeah, but he follows the Jets so he’s like me. It’s a season of heartbreak and by the end, you just cope by rooting for whoever’s playing against the Patriots.”

Vinny chuckles as we attempt to concentrate on this coordinated effort to secure the TV to the attached bracket on the wall. “Wai-wait–” He directs. “A little higher. Man, I don’t know how you live that Jets fan life.”

“It’s a curse, alright?” I deadpan. “I didn’t choose it.”

“You think Nick would make it out here again that weekend?”

I furrow my brow, unsure why he’s asking me as we work to steady this heavy-ass TV that Vinny tried to assure me he could mount himself but I could come over if I felt like it. “What, come up from Miami to watch the Super Bowl at your apartment?”

“No, I just mean he seems to find ways to visit fairly often–” Then he trails off, “I don’t know." 

I look over at him. "Why’re you so interested in–” And then I pause, one side of my mouth curving upward and I tilt my chin up. “Ohh.”

“Ohh, nothing, Reagan.”

“You’re asking can he come up again and bring his sister?”

“No.” We secure the back of the TV to the bracket, setting it carefully until it catches. Vinny exhales a heavy breath. “No. I can handle that myself.”

“That good?” I check, angling to peer through the slight space between the TV and the wall.

“Yeah, let go.”

“You let go.”

At the same time, we slowly move our hands away, waiting a beat to make sure it holds. When the TV doesn’t come crashing to the floor, we take a step back in relief.

“Wait a minute.” I rest my hands low on my hips and consider what he just said. “You can handle what yourself? 

“Getting in touch with Bella if I wanted to.”

“Have you?” I question.

Coincidentally, a happy little ping sounds from his phone across the room. Both of our eyes cut over in that direction. Then another notification chimes.

Vinny shrugs. “We’ve been talking, yeah.”

My eyebrows lift and I nod. “Huh” is all I manage.

“But uh… it’s chill.”

“What’s the likelihood that that’s her texting you?” I point my chin in the direction of his phone. 

With a step back, he looks down and laughs at himself. Then he crouches to the floor to go back to work on the cords, trying to play it cool. “You know me, Reagan. That could be anybody.” Then he takes a minute to concentrate. “Did you tell her you saw me that morning?”

“No. I didn’t say anything,” I inform him. “And I didn’t tell Nick either. But she may have. I don’t know.”

“Well hey, you have no room to judge,” he reminds me.

I hold up innocent hands. “I’m not judging.”

Then with a half shrug he glances down with this uncharacteristically bashful little smile. 

Narrowing a critical gaze at him, I drag out the question. “Wh-at?” 

“What?”

“How often are you guys talking?”

He laughs. “None of your business.”

On my way toward his lit up phone on the coffee table, I threaten, “I’m about to make it my business.”

“What? Hell no, Reagan.” Those fast reflexes he typically saves for the street switch on and he’s on his feet to intercept me.

I can’t help but give him a hard time as if I’m actually going to snatch his phone and see if his latest messages are from Bianca. “Oh-ho.” My eyes widen at him with my smile. “So who is it? Who’s blowing you up, Vin?”

I don’t really want to know but I feel like I have to give him just as much shit as he gave me when Noble’s texts to me throughout the day used to get Vinny’s attention.

Grabbing his phone, he slips it into his pocket and cuts me a disapproving look before he shoves his forearm against me in amusement. “Get the fuck out. Bring me that cable over there.”

I comply, my amusement tapering off and we work to connect all the cords to the now-mounted TV. After a few minutes, Vinny speaks up again.

“So how long before you tell the Commissioner?”

I look over at him, a brief tug of confusion between my brows. “About you?”

“No, about you.”

“Oh.” I swallow, and get back to my feet before I turn to idly pace his living room. “I don’t know.”

“You and Nick just gonna have weekend visits in secret forever?”

With a defensive lift of my shoulders, I slide my hands in the pockets of my jeans. “Dude, I don’t know. What, I need an ultimatum from you now? You were the one who told me long distance could work.”

“Yeah, that was a couple months ago,” he reasons. “I just– wondered if there was any movement.”

“Well… telling my dad isn’t exactly, the father-son chat I’m prepared to have at the moment.”

“You ever see Brokeback Mountain? That shit is sad–”

Tipping my head back, I roll my eyes. “Get outta here with the Brokeback Mountain.”

“I’m just saying. Have you seen it?”

“No. But why have you seen it?”

“It’s a good movie, man.” He looks at me as if the explanation is obvious. “I don’t want to spoil it for you. Are you gonna watch it?”

I simply blink and decide against any input on this comparison.

“It’s like this years-long secret relationship–” Vinnie explains. “In the middle of nowhere.”

“On a mountain,” I guess.

“Yes. These two cowboys, they have their own lives. But then they meet up there like once or twice a year. And nobody tells anybody. And then Jake Gyllenhaal fucking dies–”

“Alright!” I can’t help but wince at his emphatic retelling. “Jeez.”

“Dude. It’s just sad, is all,” he finishes. “And I don’t mean to pressure you about telling your old man. But I also… don’t want you to feel like you have to hide anything. You know? Because what I saw when we all went out the other night… it was like you… were a version of yourself I think anybody in your family would be happy about.”

Glancing down, I just exhale a soft, appreciative laugh. I’m glad he believes it because after all this time, how do I acknowledge to the rest of my family that the version of me that exists with Noble is the closest to the truth I think I’ve ever felt?

***

“Hawaii?” Noble suggests.

I laugh. “No.”

“Cancun?”

“No.”

“Kokomo,” he decides. “We’ll get there fast, and then we’ll take it slow.”

“Stop.” I chuckle, shaking my head as I shut off the engine of my car and step out. “Weren’t you just in the Bahamas?”

“Yeah, I know. It’s just wishful thinking. I don’t have the vacation days,” he concedes.  “But I want to take you somewhere for your birthday. So. I’m depressed.”

“Whisk me away to the paradise that is Brooklyn Heights.” My boots crunch through the snow on the sidewalk, my breath clouding the late night air on the way to my building. 

He hums, unenthused. “It’s January.”

“But it’s me,” I tell him, my voice dipping a few notes lower as I key my way into my brownstone.

“Let me fly you to Miami instead.”

“I want to, believe me. But I duck outta town on my birthday weekend, and my family will find me.”

This little groan just rumbles through the phone. “Your family is really all in your business on your birthday? At your age?”

“Watch it.” I tease, headed up a flight of stairs. “Why don’t you come stay with me?” 

Finally I’m home, grateful for the clanging radiator in the corner that heats this place up and I swap hands with my phone as I start to shed my outer layers. 

“If I can’t steal you away someplace else, I’ll come up there.”

“I want to see you,” I murmur. 

“Well don’t use the sexy voice on me. I’m driving.”

Running a hand through my hair, I make my way around to turn on a few lamps. “I just got home. I’ll be as sexy as I want.”

He chuckles his amusement. “Okay fine, I won’t stop you.”

“You’ve never come up here and just stayed at my place,” I remind him. 

“This is true.”

“Who cares if it’s cold?” I reason. “We can just stay in.”

“Mm-hm. And have a sleepover?”

I smirk. “Of course.”

“How am I supposed to make a birthday dinner at your place?”

“Oh!” I offer. “I have a pan–”

“Shut up–” He cuts in with a breathy laugh and absently mutters, “Hopeless.”

“I don’t need a birthday dinner, babe,” I say as I pull open my own refrigerator to contemplate what to eat. “Just you.”

He lets out this loud moan and it makes me laugh. “I miss you,” he tells me. “Send me a picture tonight.”

Deciding on the leftover sliced ham Linda sent me home with the other day at my dad’s, I close the fridge and set the container on the counter. “I thought you were driving.”

“For when I get home.”

Pondering it, I shake my head but a sneaky curve pulls at my cheek anyway. “Maybe.”

“Well maybe I’ll manage a birthday visit,” he teases.

[commentaryvorg]

Danganronpa V3 Commentary: Part 4.5

Be aware that this is not a blind playthrough! This will contain spoilers for the entire game, regardless of the part of the game I’m commenting on. A major focus of this commentary is to talk about all of the hints and foreshadowing of events that are going to happen and facts that are going to be revealed in the future of the story. It is emphatically not intended for someone experiencing the game for their first time.

Last time in chapter 4, Maki opened up about her past, she and Shuichi and Kaito were ADORABLE FRIENDS, Kaito was a huge hypocrite on the topic of burdens, twice, Kokichi helpfully suggested some improvements to Monokuma’s script like an absolute moron, and Kaito’s bonus training for his sidekicks was totally not him desperately trying to prove that they still need him or anything.

Now for the last of chapter 4’s free time!

Shuichi:  (What can *I* do? The only thing I’m good at is solving mysteries, but I can’t figure out this academy.)

That’s not the only thing you’re good at, Shuichi! Your detective’s brain also makes you pretty good at coming up with plans. That plan with the cameras in chapter 1 was really not a bad plan if you ignore the fact that the entire premise of it (that the mastermind wouldn’t have a way of knowing about it) was flawed. But of course Shuichi wouldn’t think that or want to attempt something like that again since it indirectly got Kaede killed.

Keebo:  “What can we each do to make sure that we all survive…? We all possess Ultimate talents. There *must* be something we can do.”

YES IT’S ALMOST LIKE THE ULTIMATE ROBOT COULD GET US OUT OF HERE OR SOMETHING.

Geez. I was mostly not being too mad at Keebo because I figured he was largely oblivious to the difference his weapons could have made anyway, but this makes it a whole lot less excusable. (And again, there is no indication given that he’s not doing so because of his inner voice, which is the only truly justifiable reason that would make sense within the story.)

So that’s even more reason for me to not hang out with Keebo here like I wasn’t going to anyway, because that should by all rights lead to Shuichi persuading him to use his weapons and get everyone out of here today. And that’s obviously not in line with canon.

Gonta:  “Hi, Shuichi! How can Gonta help you today?”

Heh, this mostly just sounds like a polite, gentlemanly greeting, but in this chapter’s context, it definitely has undertones of “please tell Gonta he can help you today, Gonta really wants to be able to help you today”. Sorry, Gonta, I’d love to, but we’re already best friends; Shuichi needs to spread his friendship around others too.

Miu is in the computer room as she was all day yesterday as well, but interestingly, right now Kokichi’s hanging around in the corridor not too far from it too. He does apparently help her set things up for their Virtual World trip, so maybe that’s what he’s doing right now.

Despite Kaito not showing up anywhere on the Monopad’s map due to what is presumably a programming oversight (even characters who aren’t available should have their locations shown, with the understandable exception of Kokichi in chapter 5), he does exist during this free time slot and is perfectly available to hang out. The wiki says he is unavailable right now; the wiki is wrong. He’s in the warehouse. You’re welcome.

(The first time I played through this game myself, during which one of my missions was to find every piece of optional dialogue I might not have seen from Youtube playthroughs, I was determined not to give up on finding Kaito here and resolved to manually check EVERY SINGLE ROOM IN THE SCHOOL IF I HAD TO. Thankfully I started from the bottom up and the warehouse is on the first floor.)

Kaito’s reason for being in the warehouse probably has something to do with the fact that it apparently contains medicine. Like, you know, painkillers and stuff.

Kaito:  “I can see my training is already having results for you and Maki Roll.”

It is, and Kaito has every right to be proud of himself for that!

But it’s also interesting that while a lot of the characters are focusing on thinking about what they can do, since that’s what they discussed at breakfast, Kaito is instead focusing on what he already has done. Almost as if thinking about what he can do in future is painful and discouraging because there’s almost nothing he can do (short of suggesting even more bonus training for his sidekicks, which still isn’t going to help them escape), and so he doesn’t want to dwell on that.

Kaito:  “But don’t slow down here! It’s important to keep up your training every day.”

It is! Shuichi and Maki (with the addition of Himiko) are absolutely going to keep up their training every day when they get out of here.

(Also, remember back in chapter 2 when I mentioned that I’d started doing exercise myself thanks to Kaito? I’ve been doing that every single day for a little bit over a year now, and it’ll be several months more than that by the time this part I’m writing actually gets posted. Kaito is the best.)

Anyway, we’ve been on a roll with Maki lately in the rest of the story (pun totally intended), so let’s continue that by hanging out with her, shall we?

She happens to be in the dining hall, which is just across the corridor from the warehouse and therefore tantalisingly close to where Kaito is. They could all hang out as a trio again! Kaito would also want to hear more of Maki’s heartbreaking backstory! No? No. Silly game mechanics.

Maki:  “Something only I can do… I can think of just one thing. …I know what you’re about to say. But… that’s the reality.”

Oh, Maki. That’s not the only thing you can do!

Maki:  “Of course, I’ll think about… other things I can do.”

Exactly! You can fight and protect us!

Shuichi:  “I didn’t know that assassins were scouted.”

As the event proper begins, Shuichi just straight-up continues the conversation they were having last night. This is why I had to save Maki’s third FTE until now at the earliest – because having this before that scene just does not make sense.

Maki:  “It’s better if you didn’t know. Also, there’s no need for you to know.”

I dunno, Maki, if more people knew that there were child-slave assassins out there then maybe some people would be able to do something about it and this horrendous practice might stop. She just can’t see it that way, because she’s had to accept this as her reality in order to cope.

Maki:  “The orphanage I was raised at was run for that reason.”

Shuichi:  “…What do you mean?”

Maki:  “To raise potential candidates for assassins.”

Yup, that’s the truth of her orphanage. That’s not remotely fucked up at all.

Shuichi:  (How much is Maki carrying on her shoulders…? Such small shoulders…)

Heh. You sound like Kaito, Shuichi.

Maki:  “The basic training forces your body to go beyond its human limitations. They physically beat us to help us withstand torture, and taught us how to die when needed…”

Happy fun Free Time with upbeat music as our friend casually tells us about how she was tortured.

(It really is a shame Kaito couldn’t be here to hear this too. He would 1000% want to help her carry this awful burden just like Shuichi is doing, even though all they can do is listen.)

Maki:  “The only option left when you fail a mission is to die, right? Dying sooner is the nicer way out. It’s much better than being tortured alive.”

…I mean, she failed that one mission with the katana and didn’t have to die for it. I guess what she’s really talking about is if she were to get captured by an enemy of the assassin cult that would use her for information.

At least this means that when they’re all considering group suicide in chapter 5, Maki would know how to also kill herself painlessly at the end of it. You know. Reassuring thoughts.

Shuichi:  (I can’t bear to think of what Maki had to go through…)

I know, Shuichi. It may have never really happened to her, but she’s still having to live now with the memory of it, believing that it really happened to her, and that’s not fucking fair at all.

Maki:  “They tried to drag my dignity and tear it… To make me feel empty…”

They were trying to turn her into an empty, cold-blooded killer without a heart. And they didn’t succeed.

Maki:  “I wouldn’t have accepted the job in the first place if I knew I couldn’t do it… But most importantly… If I broke, then *that girl* would replace me…”

We’ll hear more about this next time, but she’s talking about her best friend from the orphanage. She put herself through what she knew would be literal torture and refused to break under it because if she did, then her best friend would go through that instead. God, Maki is amazing.

(Again, technically none of that really happened to her, but thanks to those fake memories, the person standing here is someone who really would do that kind of thing.)

Shuichi:  “That girl?”

Maki:  “… Sorry… Pretend you didn’t hear any of that just now.”

But it seems like, at least for right now, she’s not quite ready to open up that much. She’ll get there, though.

Kokichi:  “I bumped into Kaito, and he ended up giving me a lecture. He told me to think of a way to escape…”

Kaito has still been trying to get through to Kokichi! He still hasn’t given up on Kokichi and believes there’s some semblance of a decent person inside him who actually wants them all to escape! Kaito is so good.

(It also seems that, despite his earlier declarations, Kaito realised that punching him again might give off the wrong impression and decided to just stick to words this time.)

Kokichi:  “But the only idea I can think of is becoming the blackened myself.”

And… Kaito’s not wrong about Kokichi, but he is underestimating how massively, completely inconceivable it is to Kokichi to actually acknowledge that buried part of himself and start being co-operative. What’s about to happen tonight isn’t going to be for lack of Kaito trying to stop it, but even Kaito isn’t enough here.

Kokichi:  “That’d entertain everyone.”

Which is exactly what Monokuma wants, you are playing right into his hands and you should know this, you goddamn idiot.

Gonta:  “Nrgh… Gonta tired… Gonta think too much…”

Awww, Gonta. He’s been trying so hard.

Gonta:  “Rest is important, too… Gonta have to make sure he not useless when everyone need him!”

“When”. He’s still managing to stay so optimistic that that time will come. (Which it will. Sooner and far more tragically than you think, Gonta. Gaaaaah.)

Anyway, this time, in the very last chance we have for it, we’re hanging out with Kaito. Come on, now – you didn’t really think for a second I was going to go through the story without maxing out his FTEs, did you?

Kaito:  “O-Oh, Shuichi… What’s the matter?”

Just like he did a day ago, Kaito doesn’t seem super-thrilled to suddenly encounter Shuichi wanting to talk to him.

Kaito:  “Yeah, I don’t mind talking, but… My stomach hurts a little. Can we talk somewhere I can rest?”

But this time, he’s actually being somewhat honest about what the problem is. That’s pretty remarkable. Sure, for Kaito to be admitting to Shuichi that his stomach hurts a little, it must really be hurting one hell of a lot, but still. Kaito being willing to show even just a tiny bit of vulnerability in front of his sidekick is such a big deal and warms my heart. It’s okay, Kaito. Shuichi isn’t going to be any less inspired by you just because you’re struggling with a lot of things yourself, you absolute wonderful moron.

Shuichi:  (I spent some time with Kaito… Didn’t he say his stomach hurt last night too? I hope he’s okay…)

I’m sure Kaito hates the fact that his tiny nugget of honesty is making Shuichi worry about him and doesn’t want him to do so at all… but Shuichi absolutely should be worried about his friend.

Kaito:  “Hey, you got a minute? I got something to talk about.”

Shuichi:  “Ah, okay…” (He seems upset…)

Shuichi’s already getting the sense that there’s something more forceful about Kaito than usual as we start the event proper, and boy is there a reason for that.

Shuichi:  (Did I do something to make him angry?)

This, however, is not that reason. But of course Shuichi is lacking enough in self-assurance that he would immediately think this is somehow his fault. Of course it wouldn’t ever occur to him that maybe Kaito has issues and problems of his own and that might be what’s at the root of this rather than Shuichi having done anything wrong. (And this won’t be the only time Shuichi misunderstands Kaito in literally exactly this way.)

Kaito:  “I’m just gonna say it! What are you moping around for!?”

Shuichi:  “What?”

Kaito:  “When my sidekick is moping, it really ticks me off!”

Shuichi:  (I’m… moping?)

Shuichi isn’t moping. He’s still not a shining paragon of confidence or anything, but he’s been able to be a lot stronger and more positive lately. His own reaction to Kaito’s accusation just now shows that even he didn’t really think there was anything he was being particularly negative about, even though Shuichi is usually his own biggest critic.

Kaito disapproves of moping because it’s just wallowing in your negative feelings without making an effort to make it better. But in this context, the effort to make it better that Shuichi is supposedly avoiding would be asking Kaito for help. Right now, “Why are you moping?” really translates to “Why aren’t you letting me help you?”

Kaito:  “I told you, man! Don’t hesitate to talk to me if something’s wrong. But you’re still keeping stuff from me! Am I not reliable enough!? Spit it out! If you bottle everything up, it can’t get fixed!”

What this whole thing really is is Kaito projecting weakness and worries onto Shuichi in another desperate attempt to show that Shuichi still needs his help. His “Am I not reliable enough!?” in particular shows what’s really going on. Kaito is terrified that he really isn’t reliable enough, not now that he’s dying and Shuichi solved the previous trial entirely without him and is seemingly strong enough that maybe he doesn’t really need Kaito’s support any more.

(It could also perhaps seem like Kaito is projecting his own behaviour of hiding his illness from his friends, but like last time, I don’t think the fact that he is incidentally being hypocritical here is the point. If the point was Kaito deflecting, that’d mean that acting like he wants to help Shuichi would just be an excuse to distract from his own problems. But of course Kaito wanting to help Shuichi could never be an excuse – Kaito always wants to help Shuichi, and that’s the real problem.)

Shuichi:  “I’m sorry, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m not looking for advice…”

Kaito:  “You’ve got some guts trying to lie to me.”

Shuichi:  “…”

He’s not lying! Shuichi wouldn’t lie to Kaito, not about his own weaknesses and struggles, nor about wanting Kaito’s advice for his problems. He may sometimes hesitate to talk about what’s bothering him until Kaito prods him a little, but he has never and would never outright lie about it once prodded if something really was wrong. And if that wasn’t proof enough, Shuichi’s staring at Kaito here with a sceptical face like he’s wondering why Kaito even thinks this.

Kaito should know perfectly well that Shuichi isn’t lying here. So it’s really quite delightfully messed up that he would rather tell himself Shuichi is lying to him than face the idea that Shuichi doesn’t need him.

(Even though the only way in which that’s really true is that Shuichi happens to not particularly need his help right now. That’s a completely different thing from not needing him at all… but Kaito doesn’t seem to realise that.)

A couple of times previously, Kaito did a similar thing of starting off a conversation with someone by trying to make it about him listening to their troubles and helping them – once with Kaede in an invitation dialogue, and once in his first FTE with Shuichi. Both those times, though, when they didn’t need to talk to him about anything, he accepted that and was happy to start talking about something else. But not this time.

Kaito:  “Fine then! Listen up…”

Shuichi:  (Kaito encouraged me, complimenting me about my talent.)

If Shuichi isn’t going to ask for Kaito’s help despite Kaito insisting that he totally should be doing so, Kaito’s going to help him anyway, aggressively complimenting him and telling him he’s awesome so that Shuichi can see how inspiring and encouraging and important Kaito still definitely is. (Really, Shuichi had no reason to have ever stopped thinking that about Kaito in the first place, but apparently Kaito doesn’t see it that way.)

You may have noticed from the way I’ve been talking about this event that I’ve been casually assuming despite the flexibility of FTEs that this is definitely taking place during chapter 4, and that all of this is a part of Kaito’s canonical arc that I’ve been talking about the rest of the time. And the thing is, this event really does have to take place in chapter 4, going by the keeping-FTEs-in-line-with-canon logic I’ve been using. Kaito’s fourth FTE mentioned Shuichi being his sidekick, putting that in chapter 3 at the earliest, and while there are two slots in which Kaito is available in chapter 3, the second of those has him already feeling too unwell for it to be believable that a proper FTE would have canonically happened then. So this fifth and final one has to happen, not necessarily this late, but definitely during this chapter.

But even if that weren’t the case, I’d still consider this event practically a canonical part of this chapter. While nothing in it explicitly mentions chapter 4-specific details, this is so clearly written for Kaito’s chapter 4 state of mind as he desperately tries to compensate for the fact that he’s dying by being as helpful as he can to his sidekicks. It fits in beautifully with the rest of the hints toward that we’ve had so far up to this point – in fact, this event is significantly less subtle about it than anything else has been, which is why I’m happy I saved it until the end like this.

Shuichi:  (I should tell him… Then he’d understand why. I told him all about the case that got me the title of Ultimate Detective. I told him everything… so that he would know how untalented I really am.)

However, it seems like all of Kaito’s aggressive compliments just made Shuichi feel like he doesn’t deserve them and actually start to feel bad about himself. Now, at least, he has something to talk about that Kaito might be able to help him with, even though he genuinely didn’t need to talk about this when this conversation began.

(I don’t think Kaito was deliberately intending to bring Shuichi’s issues out by complimenting him, though. That’s far too underhanded and manipulative for Kaito to do no matter what state of mind he’s in. Plus, I’m not sure he’s even that consciously aware of the reasons he’s been acting this way, which he’d have to be for this to be deliberate.)

Kaito:  “I see… So you were chosen after you solved a case.”

Shuichi:  “Yes, and the most important part… I just happened to find some evidence that was missed. I accidentally solved the puzzle. It was all coincidence, happenstance…”

As soon as Kaito says something that puts things in a vaguely positive-sounding light, Shuichi’s immediately jumping to insist that no, that’s not the point, he barely even deserved to solve that case. It’s hard to know how true it is that it was all just a coincidence, but I’m inclined to think it wasn’t. Even if it is just a matter of Shuichi noticing something everyone else missed, that’s still him having better observation skills than anyone else on that case, which is something that’s important for a detective to have. Shuichi’s just likely to not want to give himself enough credit what with how much the outcome of the case traumatised him.

Kaito:  “Geez… You worry about the most trivial stuff, man.”

Kaito, you’re the one who was fishing for Shuichi to be worrying about even the tiniest thing so that you’d have an excuse to help him.

Shuichi:  “You have no right to say that! You don’t know what I’ve been through!”

Kaito:  “Hah! Nice! It’s good to see you actually have some bite to you.”

Shuichi’s response is a dialogue option that I picked, but I like this one, because I enjoy Kaito being proud of him for being able to stand by his own feelings, not even caring that Shuichi doing so involved snapping at him.

(Mind you, Shuichi was also standing by his own feelings earlier when he was asserting that he didn’t need any advice from Kaito right now, and Kaito was much less on board with that, but, you know.)

Regardless, when Kaito said “trivial”, he was really talking about the culprit’s feelings.

Kaito:  “He killed someone and was trying to get away with it! He’s a bad guy!”

This is an instance of Kaito’s often fairly black-and-white way of thinking, but even so, him putting things this simplistically helps Shuichi move away from worrying about how the culprit felt. Even if the guy wanted revenge, that still doesn’t justify murder, so Shuichi was right to expose him for it. Kaede and Kirumi’s crimes so far during this killing game were much less black-and-white, such that Shuichi has a decent reason to feel at least a little bad about cornering them, but that one guy? Screw him, he’s nothing like them.

Kaito:  “If he’d gotten away with it, he’d be crushed by the weight of his guilt. But you got him before that happened! He should be thanking you!”

It’s also very appropriately Kaito of him to see Shuichi’s job of catching criminals as important because it forces the criminals to take responsibility instead of running away from their own actions and the pain they caused. I especially love that Kaito even sees this as a good thing for the culprit himself. This will be a very relevant idea during this upcoming case in particular, in terms of a certain someone Kaito has already been trying to get through to a lot.

Kaito:  “I’ll support you all the way! I know you did the right thing!”

This might still be Kaito overzealously trying to compensate for his own feelings of inferiority, but it’s adorable all the same. This is all Shuichi really needs from him at this point – not necessarily major advice on specific problems, but just knowing that Kaito’s there for him and on his side no matter what. You’re already doing enough, Kaito. Just keep being you.

Kaito:  “And not just with that guy! From now on, if anyone holds a grudge against you… I’ll kick their ass!”

This is not ironic foreshadowing to the extent that one might think, because Kaito is never going to hold a grudge against Shuichi, however much it might seem that way. Of course, Kaito would also definitely want to kick the ass of anyone who even seems to hold a grudge against Shuichi, even briefly, just because doing so would hurt him. So… that’s a thing.

Kaito:  “So you just gotta follow the path you believe in! You’re my sidekick. So don’t hold back, and rely on me whenever you need to!”

These are Kaito’s voiced lines for his final event, and they couldn’t be more appropriate. They’re adorably full of him believing in and supporting Shuichi, with just a dash of that delightful undertone of him desperately wanting Shuichi to still rely on him even if maybe Shuichi doesn’t need to quite as much any more.

Shuichi:  “Kaito… thank you.” (Alright, so he’s foolhardy. But he supports me and expects nothing in return… He does so much for me… I could never turn my back on that. I will never betray his support and trust. I will never break my bond with Kaito!)

While Shuichi is completely oblivious to what’s going on with Kaito and why he’s being so aggressively supportive right now, it’s still just absolutely heartmelting how grateful he is for everything Kaito does for him and trusts him so wholeheartedly in return. For all of Kaito’s issues that this event has been subtly full of, they’re still incredible, adorable friends, which comes across so strongly here. Most FTEs, when they end on emphasising how much the protagonist has become friends with the subject, are kind of dampened by the knowledge that this is just an optional side thing that isn’t really there in the canon storyline. But here, this just serves to highlight the canon adorable friendship between these two even more and I love it.

And if only Kaito could hear everything Shuichi is thinking here. He would never turn his back on you, Kaito! No matter what weaknesses you might have and no matter what mistakes you might make! You have so much less to be afraid of than you think.

Shuichi:  “…I understand, Kaito.”

…Shuichi doesn’t really understand. He only understands the fact that Kaito will always be there for him, and while that’s true (or at least, Kaito has no intention of ever making it untrue), that’s not remotely the full picture here.

Shuichi:  “I will always depend on you.”

This sounds adorable on the surface, but is potentially pretty messed up if you think about it too hard. Ideally, what Shuichi means is, “I will always depend on you when I need to”, which is the healthy way of looking at it – everyone needs to depend on other people sometimes, and it’s great that Kaito will always be there for him during those times.

But… that might not actually be what Shuichi means. I’ve mentioned multiple times that Shuichi is pretty overly dependent, hence him latching onto Kaede and Kaito so easily… so he might be okay with the idea of always needing to depend on on Kaito. Which he shouldn’t! Nobody should want to be constantly dependent on someone else their entire life, and it’s especially unhealthy if it’s on one single person, no matter how reliable and genuinely well-meaning that person may be. Shuichi should want to become someone who doesn’t need to depend on someone else most of the time, even if that someone else is Kaito.

Kaito:  “Yeah! Just leave it to me!”

Under normal circumstances, Kaito would probably be able to pick up on this and recognise that it’s unhealthy and assert that Shuichi should be striving to become more independent. After all, his former sidekicks he mentioned last FTE no longer need him any more, and he seemed perfectly happy with that.

But in the state of mind Kaito’s in by this chapter, he’s not about to do that. Kaito may be a little bit like this even at the best of times, but right now especially he has become incredibly co-dependent – meaning, he’s pathologically dependent on the idea that someone else depends on him. He needs to be needed. And that’s pretty messed up of him too. There is definitely a large part of Kaito that’s worried Shuichi already doesn’t really need him any more – but he’s not letting that part have a say and continuing to insist that of course Shuichi should be constantly depending on him.

Shuichi’s dependency and Kaito’s co-dependency make them a perfect match for each other in a wonderfully messed-up kind of way, and that dysfunctionality lurking beneath the surface is another of the many reasons I enjoy their friendship so much. If it weren’t for this, things wouldn’t be about to fall apart like they do, and this chapter and the beginning of the next wouldn’t be nearly as delightfully heartwrenching.

Shuichi:  (Kaito’s smile was as bright as starlight. I couldn’t help but smile back.)

Bright like he’s a luminary or something! Space imagery! FRIENDS.

Shuichi:  (…Everything is going to be okay. As long as we have this, we can move forward.)

Oh boy, it sure—

isn’t going to be even remotely okay barely twenty-four hours from now.

Shuichi:  (Sometimes I feel as though I’m dragging him down, but I know I’ll catch up one day.)

You’re not, though, Shuichi! This could not be more completely opposite of how Kaito sees things! Kaito feels like he’s the one dragging Shuichi down, which is precisely why we just had this whole event of him desperately trying to show that he isn’t and that Shuichi can still benefit from his support! But Kaito has apparently managed to successfully convince Shuichi that he’s completely invincible and doesn’t have any problems of his own, so Shuichi has no goddamn clue.

Shuichi:  (I bet he’d laugh and tell me I have a lot of nerve for a sidekick.)

He wouldn’t, though. The entire point of Kaito’s sidekicks is supposed to be that one day they’ll reach even greater heights than him – we went over that in his previous FTE. Kaito should laugh and then tell Shuichi how proud he is of him for coming this far. I guess Shuichi genuinely never did realise that most of the reason Kaito was telling him about his former sidekicks was to imply that the same thing applies to him.

Or, at least… Kaito should show pride in Shuichi if Shuichi ever overtook him. But that’s Kaito at the best of times, and those are not the times he’s in right now.

In the report card summary for this event, there’s also a very similar line to the one from before:

“Kaito, I know it seems as though you’re dragging me along, but I’ll be right there beside you.”

This is such a delightfully ironic line, and the writers clearly knew exactly how important it is since they essentially included it twice. Oh, Shuichi, if only you had any idea just how completely backwards you have it. If only Kaito would tell you what’s really going on in his head, and then you could support him in return and help him figure things out. But then, this is Kaito we’re talking about here.

All of Kaito’s previous FTEs featured him talking about himself, like FTEs are supposed to. And in general, the final event in particular is meant to involve the subject talking about their biggest issues now that they feel comfortable doing so because of their growing friendship with the protagonist, and maybe having the protagonist help them a little with that. But in Kaito’s final one, he doesn’t talk about himself at all. Because of course Kaito would never talk about his issues, especially not to Shuichi, who needs to see him as strong and invincible in order to be able to rely on him, or so Kaito is irrationally convinced. (And if he somehow miraculously did talk about his issues and Shuichi helped him with them, that’d probably mean that what’s about to happen in the main storyline shouldn’t happen the way it does any more, which we absolutely can’t have.)

Yet this final free time event of Kaito’s still manages to be thoroughly about his issues, not even despite the fact that he doesn’t talk about himself and makes it all about Shuichi’s issues instead, but precisely because of it. It is so appropriate for Kaito that things should be this way, and I love it.

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[Next post]

[malisonquill]

Rebuild: Behind The Scenes

I thought just for some fun, I might post the plan I made for writing Rebuild. It has some silly alternate titles, some doodles I sketched out, and I thought some people might like to see how much the end product was different from the plan. 

I do also have a section of the plan just for ideas, but I haven’t included it here because it contains spoilers for the sequel(s). 

Hope you enjoy my ramblings below! (Obviously it contains major spoilers for all of Rebuild, so make sure you’re read all that before reading this!)

Rex Brickowski AU Outline

C1: Rexile (AKA Anikin Voice: "I hate Sand". AKA What to do when you're suddenly not dead)

Rex ends up back in his own original timeline in the outskirts of Syspocalypstar. He’s alone, no Rexcelsior, no velociraptors. That makes him sad. 

He looks to the city and thinks about everything.

Cat lady comes, he gets bricks and builds and awesome bike  and drives to the city. 

C2: Shattered (AKA Rex really likes bikes for some reason and also fucks shit up)

There, Lucy and the others are chillin in a park while Rex tears through the city exploring, turning heads. 

He goes up a ramp that sends him up over a building above the park. Whilst in the air he grabs his bike and does a flip. The others watch him. He lands on the road next to the park and spots Lucy, his eyes go wide. He does a skidding turn to pull up beside them. 

They say how awesome that was. They don’t recognise him and he plays along with that. He needs to get used to them and himself before he drops a bombshell on them. 

They show him around the city. He gets a black coffee from the shop. Freezes when he sees a laundromat (PTSD), he hallucinates the deafening roar of the Dryar of Undar until Unikitty distracts him and pulls him away and they continue the tour. 

At one point Everything is awesome plays, he acts aloof but taps his foot quietly and lucy notices. 

Eventually they get to the town square. There is a statue of Emmet. Rex is immediately taken aback and asks what it is (to gauge his friends reactions and also because he's genuinely surprised to see he's been acknowledged). 

Lucy says it honours the special, Emmet. That he was there friend. That they looked for him for a while, but eventually had to admit that he was gone, so they stopped looking. 

BIG ANGST TIME.

Rex snaps. He’s still bitter. He starts off vauge like “You gave up? Would he have given up on you?” but gets increasingly louder and madder. Revealing that he was trapped in Undar, how he feels abandoned and slowly revealing to the others that he’s Emmet. Lucy is like “Emmet…?” And he’s like “Emmet is gone! He’s dead!” 

He breaks the statue in one punch in anger. His friends are horrified. He looks between them and the statue, shocked and saddened by himself. “What have done?” (Internally). He drives off, leaving the others sad and confused. 

C3: Traces Of You (AKA Talking to your ex who you feel betrayed you, even though she thought you were dead… that's rough buddy)

Alternate titles, How can you stand there, a whisper from me? Gone But Not Forgotten

After a short while, giving everyone some time to breathe/ think, Lucy finds Rex in the outskirts. They talk. He explains how he toughened up, how he did some terrible things, how he wants to be better but doesn’t know how. How he’s ruined any chance he had with his friends because of the statue incident. Tears form in his eyes. Lucy goes to comfort him with a hand on his shoulder and says “Emmet...” Queue the “I’m not Emmet anymore and I dont know how to be” line.

Lucy convinces him to not be just one, be a combination. That his friends can help him through this and him to be happier again. He says he’s still can’t fully/ needs time to trust them again, but he’s willing to try. Oh and to call him Rex, cause he wants to be different from movie Emmet. 

C4: Building Blocks (AKA DON'T TOUCH ME WHEN I'M WRITING ABOUT SPACESHIPING!!!!)

Lucy and the others ask Rex to build something with them. He decides on a spaceship, they let him lead. Friend interactions. 

C5: Time Heals All Wounds (AKA So it turns out you based your entire new personality on your friends and also you finally acknowledge your PTSD)

Over a longer time period (make this clear), montage of helping with each individual. Them understanding Rex and who he is more, maybe after he tries to act exactly like Emmet would but it’s unnatural for him? Finding out about raptor training. Helping him cope with his PTSD (Dryar, paralyzation, loneliness) and abandonment issues.

(after writing half the chapter, i realised) His hand injury and recovery mirror emotional healing! )

https://askmarietheapprentice.tumblr.com/post/183050688583/meta-monday-rex-dangervest-based-his-persona-on 

Order: 

Fist, alone with Benny, flying spaceship they all built. (Who Rex developed his spaceship love from.) Emotional thing dealt with: ?

Unikitty. He learnt to harness/ weaponize rage from. Unikitty encouraging him to release some anger and destroy some rubble. Helps him get his anger feels out.

Metalbeard. About being a captain of pirates/ raptors. Talk about how he misses them.

Batman. Learnt how to be tough fighter and suppress deep emotional issues. See below for events. Then they talk about talking through things with others, stuff B learnt in Lego batman movie.

Maybe he’s left alone for ten mins whilst a friend goes to grab a brick or something and is terrified they wont come back. He’s relieved but visibly shaken when they do return. 

Maybe a change over between friends. One has to go and leaves Rex to meet the batman outside of a shop. As he waits his mind wanders thinking Batman has forgotten about him, doesn't want to meet with him, or even like him etc. As this happens he hallucinates hearing the dryer roar. He stands frozen in place, covering his ears as his vision gets darker. Maybe this causes him to glitch to the real world and back every few seconds. The roar gets louder and louder and louder. Batman comes, sees Rex, is concerned and tries to get his attention by touching his shoulder. Rex freaks out, snapping out of his hallucination shouting/ screaming and madly thrashing punches. He smashes a bin or lamppost or car to pieces before Batman can calm him and he realises he's fine. Rex apologies.

Lucy. Made a super cool alias like Wyldstyle, and hides his insecurities under confident exterior like her. Maybe they talk on their way to her surprise. She asks why he changed his name and himself? He explains his thoughts on Undar, how at the time he thought his friends were right and so he toughened up. Made a cool name like she did. He realises a lot of his Rex traits are semi based on his friends. Maybe talk about how it's good to be confident but also not bad to be vulnerable/ talk about problems with others. He realises he's already been doing this with others? Or just have mostly fun not angst for them here!? Meh, idk yet.

Ends with Lucy giving him that cute little house he made for her, that he’d almost forgotten about. Says it’s just a basis and he can change it if he wants. Talk. Suggests they could be platonic (for now) roommates. She leaves him for the night, he’s now ok (ish) with being left alone. 

C6: True Colours (AKA Title made it sound like Rex would turn out evil but surprise! He actually just wanted to look pretty. AKA Rex stares in a mirror for an awkwardly long time)

When Lucy returns, Rex looks different. He briefly went to the Man Upstairs realm and used markers etc, to change his appearance. He wanted some brighter colours to look happier, and more like a combo of Emmet and Rex. He explains this, and decides he wants to be called Rex Brickowski to symbolise this combo of all his aspects. 

Basically this first bit is the man I used to be from count of Monte cristo musical.

(Rex and Lucy designs and also size comparison.)

Maybe some Rex and friends hanging out, it’s better than before. Group karaoke? Tries to warm up to Sweet Mayhem?

C7: Epilogue (AKA The end happens. Everything is awesome is still a bop)

Rex and CO are hopeful for the future. Rex knows who he is now and thinks he can be happy again and trust his friends. He’s a mix of mature and innocent/ sweet. He can now enjoy ‘childish’ things and tough things. He’s happy and thinks everything might be ok now. 

Maybe he goes to the coffee shop, orders Lucy something and a black coffee with 25 sugars for himself and returns home, listening to rock music on his headphones.

(End on poignant thing.)

Side Notes/ Reminders For Myself

“According to a draft from the first film's script, Emmet is 22 years of age in that film, thus making him 27 in the sequel if accepted.” My AU Rex spent 2 years on Undar, plus 5 getting tough before the movie happens. Making him 34 at the start of the AU.

Rex was in his past changing things. But when Emmet was saved, it was no longer his past/ his timeline. So he faded and was sent back to his original timeline. All the stuff he did in the movie timeline still happened, we see three raptors are still there with Ms Scratchen-Post at the end. So the raptors stay where they are in the movie timeline, because they aren’t like Rex who is being written out of the movie timeline’s future. Which is why Rex is alone at the start of this AU. 

Very important! Rex's trust of his friends. My take: friends are the most important thing to Emmet. With friends, he was happy even during the apocalypse. Without them, he becomes jaded, tough. Lucy is who he was closest to/ loved. None of his friends, but especially her not coming for him and moving on hurt him the most. As Rex, he was most mad at her (see him scowling at her during the movie). But then they all try to come back for movie Emmet. Lucy makes it through and saves him. She saved him. This changes post back to the futuring Rex's view. The fact the movie Lucy saved him plus the fact he loved her and cared for her the most before, means AU Rex is inclined to trust her most. 

Titles for 3 stories: Rebuild. Rekindle. Re-----. (I'm an idiot for planning 3 of these!!!!!)

Rebuild: Rex's relationships and himself up again. 

Rekindle: his and Lucy's love for each other. 

Re-----: ((REDACTED BECAUSE IT’S A SPOILER! You’re gonna have to wait to find out what it is!))

INFO

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aw-r_G7rfnU - Chris Pratt Singing

Dino facts:

https://www.psd1.org/cms/lib/WA01001055/Centricity/Domain/36/SS_How_Fast_Did_Trex_Grow.pdf

http://cycles.westinmathies.com/Info_Pages.asp?ptype=Velociraptor_Cycl

SPELLING = Armamageddon (according to the subs)

-----------------

And that’s it! This is the rambling mess that brought you Rebuild. Hope it was interesting to see.

As another note of my writing process, I did a lot of jumping around. If I had an idea for some lines of dialogue pop into my head, I wrote it down before I forgot and then slightly altered it and filled in the gaps later. In fact that whole bit between Lucy and Rex in chapter 3 was almost all dialogue (with a few notes like “He turned. She smiles” Etc in between) and then later after writing some of chapter 4, I went back and filled in all the gaps. 

I would really recommend writing down whatever pops into your head like this if you want to write things. You might think “Oh, i’ll remember to put this in when I get to writing here!”, that is a lie. You won’t. Or it’ll be different to that brilliant thing you came up with whilst day dreaming out a window. It’s definitely better to jot it down and have it, then decide to edit it later if you don’t like it, than lose it entirely. Just make sure when reading over your chapter/ story that everything flows together nicely. :)

This method also meant I wrote chapters 5, 6 and 7 simultaneously. I had about half of chapter 6 and 7 done whilst I was still making my way through 5. (Probably because 5 was so big!) But then when I was done with 5, I finished off 6, then 7. It also really helped when I came up with the idea to put the first line of the story as the last line too. It gave me a direction to go in for the last chapter (after Rex get’s back from the coffee shop) and also was a nice way to end it off. 

Anyway! Hopefully I see you all again for Rekindle! Which by the way, if there is anything involving the characters from this story that you might want to see, please let me know! I might just fit it in somewhere! :D

[bthump]

watching jojo's bizarre adventure anime adaptation and seeing how much the anime team fixed araki (the mangaka)'s bad writing makes me rlly wish that if berserk gets a proper anime adaptation whoever does it will do the same with miura's writing (and some of his art too tbh). like for example for all their faults the berserk movies did improve casca's character. what are your wants for a potential full berserk anime adaptation? (also let's hope that this is the year we finally get one 🤞)

I never finished JJBA or watched the anime so idk, but I’m curious how much they changed. Like were there big changes to the plot, or was it mostly just little minor changes to smooth over some flaws?

ty for asking, and I apologize in advance for how long this got lol.

tbh I think my ideal, if not realistic, Berserk adaptation is one that just goes ‘fuck it’ and throws out most of the story lol. Starts with Black Swordsman, ends with Femto lowering his hand and letting Guts escape - well more specifically, on this panel:

Like that is a perfect final shot imho.

(Also I might mirror it with the opening shot. Like I wouldn’t open on Guts fucking an apostle lmao, I don’t actually dislike that opening but it doesn’t fit this theoretical adaption. So how about we open on a long shot of Black Swordsman Guts surrounded by the ghosts he’s fighting, that mimics this?)

Ooh I might also… I might stick the Lost Children arc in between Snake Man and Count Slug. Ugggh there are some logistical issues to untangle there, but I really, really want Jill/Rosine Guts/Griffith parallels, and I want ghosts taunting Guts about becoming a monster like his friend. Subtlety is for cowards. Oh except we wouldn’t’ve seen Femto yet so that wouldn’t work. Well, “like him” then instead of “like your friend.” There now it’s foreshadowing 2 ways.

the climax of the story is the moment of sacrifice because there’s no Eclipse rape, Casca dies shortly after Judeau, and Guts’ horror at being sacrificed by Griffith is the emotional low point. Potentially no gtsca either if I can figure out a way to incorporate Guts’ stupid dream speech somewhere else. Maybe it can be a flashback during the Wyald fight, which I’d keep incidentally, sans attempted rape, w/ Guts talking to Erica. Actually yeah that would be perfect and immediately tie Guts’ “dream” of fighting stronger and stronger enemies with fighting monsters lol, meaning I could bypass Guts’ post Eclipse war declaration that draws that comparison more explicitly.

Boom, Berserk is now a nice little self-contained tragic story about two dudes each becoming solitary monsters because they abandoned each other for abstract dreams, and threw aside the potential for true emotional healing (relationships) for shallow coping mechanisms (swords/dreams). Uhhh, also Puck is cut. Sorry Puck, ilu but you’re a ray of hope that ruins the vibe here.

And finally since this is my ideal adaptation, the subtext between Guts and Griffith is text. They don’t actually fuck or kiss, because that would avert the Eclipse, but… hm how do you make it clear that they want to fuck but are too repressed to do it and that’s what ruins everything? Okay well Griffith’s torture chamber monologue includes “love” a la the anime dub, and maybe “desire” or “need” to completely remove that ambiguity desperately maintained in the minds of straight people. And Guts… I don’t know that I can go textual lol. The only point in the story he can possibly recognize his own feelings is chapter 71.

Ooh I got it. Just include “at that time he shone before me as something beautiful, noble, and larger than life” after the Count’s backstory lmao. Do you really need more? Well, maybe “he shone before me as something larger than life - noble, and… beautiful.” Or just cut to the chase completely: “At that time, he shone before me as something beautiful, noble, and larger-than-life. I loved him.”

OKAY all that said I feel like this wasn’t really what you’re asking lol since you mentioned a complete adaption. So okay assuming there are no huge major changes to the content or structure of the story, here’s a (stupidly long, like only read this if you for some reason enjoy seeing me ramble for days about minute details lmao) list of some more minor things I’d want to change:

I’d start with the Black Swordsman arc and continue as the manga goes. Yes, in this one Guts still fucks an apostle. This is right before the credits, and it’s depicted as badass and cool. In fact, I might actually split the scene with the credits - start the opening sequence right after Guts blows her up, and resume on this shot with more of a sombre tone:

Like okay that would be pretty cheesy lol, but this is the Black Swordsman arc. It’s supposed to be a little campy, and really unsubtle, and this seems like a fun way of highlighting this little tonal shift.

Relatedly, I would not acknowledge the fact that most people watching already know where it’s going. I would maintain the integrity of the first arc in starting off with Guts as an apparent cool badass and then tearing that down, as well as keeping Griffith’s identity and Guts’ motivation a mystery in theory, and making the Count’s backstory the climax of this arc in a revelatory sense, rather than in an action sense.

To get more general, no fanservice for straight dudes. no one’s tits are randomly out, and when they are they’re drawn realistically and subject to the laws of gravity. casca’s clothes don’t get torn all the time, rosine’s got full moth fuzz coverage, farnese is wearing a shirt when guts takes her hostage and if we need self-flagellation (and tbh I wouldn’t necessarily cut it) it can be in a flashback, etc. Oh except Slan I guess. Her whole character is fanservice so w/e I’ll allow it.

not every woman is in love with and solely motivated by a dude. skip the queen’s completely unnecessary reveal that she was in love with julius, skip casca’s “I lived my life with the intent of sacrificing myself on my unrequited feelings for griffith” bullshit, skip sonia’s crush on neogriffith, skip tf out of schierke’s crush on guts, skip the random period of incest-y bdsm-y vibes in Farnese and Serpico’s backstory that adds nothing lol, skip the suggestions that Farnese is jealous of Casca’s history with Guts, etc

also most sexual assault scenes are cut. Casca is running for her life during the 100 man fight, not from attempted rapists. Wyald does not assault Casca, Farnese is not almost raped by a fucking horse, we chill out a bit on the sexual torture in every bg scene during the conviction arc jfc, Casca’s multiple assaults during that arc are cut, troll rape is cut, you get the point.

I’ll keep Adon’s shitty threats tho bc i feel like some violent misogyny is necessary if i’m not changing everything, but I’d completely lose the comic relief vibe he gets and make Casca’s fight with him properly epic and satisfying. The movie did this a bit better imo, but I’d really remove Adon’s whole boastful loser schtick. That might disappoint some fans, but idc Casca deserves to kill someone who is actually kind of a badass.

There’s a lot of bullshit around gtsca that I’m torn between wanting to cut, and instead wanting to just depict very negatively. Like would it be better if instead of Casca shyly asking Guts how she looks in a dress she just complained about the dress being uncomfortable, ie we completely cut that burgeoning “soft side” bs?

Or would it be better if she still asked him how she looks, then we call back to that moment when she gets awkward about her scars before sex, we keep Judeau musing on how she’s showing a soft side, we call back to that when he tells Guts to save her from leadership, we tie it all together when Guts asks Casca to leave with him, and bring it home by making it abundantly clear that Casca moving from being Griffith’s sword to Guts’ sword is not a positive change.

Like highlight everything negative about it - Guts being a huge dick, the ominous undertone when he invites her along (like cue the creepy cello music when they kiss right before we shift to monsters and behelits lol), all the parallels between him and Griffith wrt their dreams, Guts telling Casca to fuck off while he fights Wyald, maybe even add a moment where Casca actually reflects on how she’s left out of all the dream/equals bullshit and what that says about their priorities and how they see her. Might be a nice lead up to her telling Guts to leave to pursue his dream and be Griffith’s equal.

also maybe show that judeau is wrong about casca being better off away from the hawks? ugh there’s so much that would have to be reworked with her narrative. like if she still has to attempt suicide, again can we ditch the lead up about how it’s because she has an unrequited crush on griffith and just keep it about the fact that she hasn’t slept in a week and she’s on the run and her hawks keep dying and griffith is being tortured and she just stabbed guts and she’s had a very difficult year?

and like, maybe she leapt to accept Guts’ ‘come with me’ offer because she’s exhausted and emotionally overwhelmed, but are you kidding me? While Guts gets an entire narrative arc about abandoning his found family, Casca doesn’t even think about it for a moment before agreeing to ditch them? Can we maybe have some indication about how she feels about the Hawks as a family, maybe some reflection about why she would choose to leave, maybe some second thoughts about it after the Wyald fight when it becomes abundantly clear what her role would be while Guts pursues his dream, like god she’s such a pawn of the narrative, I hate it. Give her some real reasons for doing stuff!

ANYWAY moving on

like the movie, I’d give charlotte more agency in the sex scene w/ griffith, I liked her asking him to stay and moving his hand to her tit herself. I probably would not actually make griffith so out of it though - i enjoyed that in the movie but I don’t necessarily consider it in-character. The way he went from literally crying in the rain to smiling and making charming jokes as soon as Charlotte opened the window in the manga honestly makes perfect sense to me lol. Just uh, make Charlotte into it from the start because there’s zero reason for her not to be other than bad misogynistic cliches?

Also I feel like there’s a balance to be struck between depicting het sex as dude sticks his dick in, woman somehow has a good time a la the manga vs making guts and griffith competent at foreplay and oral a la the movies lol. Like maybe depict the sex scenes as the bad sex they are but Charlotte still feels closer to Griffith afterwards despite not coming from a dude fucking her while thinking about another dude and like, just keep Casca telling Guts he was obviously a virgin afterwards lol.

I guess we’re stuck with the Eclipse rape, but it happens mostly off screen and in close, telling but non-explicit details, like yk, big clawed hand holding a wrist, Casca’s eyes squeezed shut, Femto’s hand on the small of her back (I’m thinking a reversed call back to the wagon scene w/ that to suggest Femto’s motivation being a show of power tbqh). Some would be from Casca’s pov, with maybe one brief moment from Guts’ pov as he loses an eye or something. Keep the movie’s visual reference to Griffith saving her. No pornographic angles. No apostle rape prelude to it. Casca doesn’t have an orgasm. Femto doesn’t stare at Guts. It’s not about Guts at all for either of them, it’s about Femto taking Griffith’s fucked up relationship to sex and expressing it monstrously, and it’s about Casca being betrayed and symbolically negating the agency she fought for since Griffith threw her a sword. Guts’ reaction is horror and fear, not manly heroic outrage. He might still rip off his arm to attack Femto, but that would be because that’s always his reaction to whatever scares him, not for Casca’s sake. Might have to contextualize that with flashbacks to his childhood, or at the very least strong visual parallels to both his childhood and the Zodd + Wyald fights.

I want to cut the fetus, replace it with like a cronenburg-y fucked up dog-like demon in the Black Swordsman arc - not as a literal version of the Beast of Darkness, but just as a metaphor for how Guts’ inner darkness is twisting him into a pathetic asshole lol. But tbh cutting the fetus is a logistical nightmare because Casca needs magic protection during the Conviction arc. So idk. But NGriff doesn’t need it, and his narrative would be more engaging without that scapegoat. Fuck emotional ambiguity, I just want to drop the news that NGriff has feelings, and then not change anything else about his narrative. The themes of isolation and loneliness threaded throughout would just shine through lol it would be great.

I would emphasize the shit out of the Beast of Darkness/Femto parallels. Yeah Guts would still assault Casca in my adaption too. If the Eclipse rape happens, that has to happen because the point is that Guts’ inner darkness is the same. But like, I’d cut the page where beast of darkness guts bites her head off while raping her. Also I’d keep the visual parallel to the Eclipse rape (the v similarly depicted kisses) and add another from Casca’s point of view, or have her flashback then instead of just staying in Guts’ head.

as for the fallout, I’d give Guts a proper scene where he sees himself as a monster, like damn he got more of a self-reflective and telling reaction that time he accidentally killed a random kid, we should get something when he sexually assaults Casca. but overall I’d focus way more on Casca being afraid of him now rather than his mopey guilt. I would also… I mean god this should be addressed in the fact that Guts fucking wears the Berserk armour all the time lol. Like one second he’s all, “omg Flora can put a magic seal on my brand that’ll depower my magical evil jiminy cricket wolf and hopefully prevent me from raping and murdering Casca, that’s great!” and the next second he’s all, “omg magic armour I can wear that will enable me to kill everything with the side effect of superpowering my inner evil wolf and turning on my companions? sign me the fuck up I’m sure nothing bad could possibly happen with that.”

Like what I’m saying is I’d either make Guts a lot more reluctant to use the armour and take Skull Knight’s warnings seriously and genuinely reflect on the fact that mysterious magical children have to prevent him from murdering his friends over and over again, or I’d draw attention to this idiocy and fully commit to Guts as a dumbass hypocrite blithely walking down the path to more tragedy of his own making. and probably the latter based on where the story is likely to be headed lol.

in the lost children arc, I’d give Rosine’s mother more of a role as a good parent who Rosine has a loving relationship with, who tried and failed to stop her father’s abuse or something, because honestly I love the Peekaf story and I find Rosine’s regret at the end as she tries to fly home v powerful, but I hate the idea that she regrets sacrificing her abusive father so maybe this way I can split the difference.

and Jill’s ending where she goes home to endure abuse would be depicted much more darkly.

like straight up I’d depict Jill flying with Rosine as a truly beautiful moment, I would show that Jill has the potential to fulfill Rosine in a way her neverland kidnapping bullshit can’t and that yes, if Jill stayed with Rosine everything might actually work out and with Jill’s influence the whole land of the elves thing could be reworked into less of a nightmare and more of a haven lol. And Guts would absolutely be depicted as fully monstrous in comparison, ruining both these kids’ lives. Like, no ambiguity, no suggestion that Jill learned an important lesson about living with abuse lmao, no implication that Rosine brought her tragic end on herself by not being a good enough child abuse victim, just Guts sowing tragedy wherever he goes.

I have no idea how to deal with the conviction arc in general lol, specifically the ultra cynical tone the actual narrative seems to take. Like, the Black Swordsman arc was idealistic compared to the Conviction arc, they clash badly imo. Extremely badly. Like it’s a giant mess. It’s like

Black Swordsman Guts: fuck everyone who dies because they weren’t strong enough to deal with my existence. *turns and wipes away a tear* *lets a zombie kid stab him* *evokes pity from puck*Conviction Guts: fuck everyone who dies because they weren’t strong enough to deal with my existence. *poses with his sword in one hand and the rescued love interest in the other* *the crowd cheers* *luca nods sagely*

yk it’s just… awkward. It’s hard to mitigate through like, film choices yk, because a lot of it is due to the circumstances. Guts telling Puck innocent people are just ants under his feet is much different than Guts refusing to let the big bad kill Casca by telling him that tens of thousands of people can and should die because they pray too much lmao, no matter what music plays in the background. Guts’ attitude is the same, the narrative’s attitude is contradictory.

Maybe I could make Guts less of a dick and cut a lot of those cynical moments? Not really call attention to the fact that Guts is effectively sacrificing tens of thousands of refugees for Casca, or more accurately, for his own desire to feel like a hero since he isn’t even the one who saves Casca, he got distracted trying to fight the fake Godhand.

Or lol maybe I’ll just have Isidro point that out in like, a smug way. Maybe I’ll have NeoGriffith personally thank him for his contribution to his resurrection. I mean I really want to call this questionable shit into question, yk? Not to declare Guts wrong for wanting to save Casca, but to declare his cavalier idgaf attitude a big problem that has consequences. Which would actually tie in nicely with emphasizing Guts’ dumbassery in brushing off Skull Knight’s warnings about the armour and insisting it’s nbd. lol I really hope this is what Miura’s going for, just more subtlely.

Actually I wonder if I could get away with cutting Isidro out entirely. Anyone could’ve saved Casca there.

Oh I’d cut the hell out of a lot of Guts’ fight scenes in the MF arc, and if I could possibly get away with it I’d cut out everything on the beach after Skull Knight’s ominous warning. Like this might end up being the Griffith show for a while because Guts’ half is a fucking slog. And of course I’d cut the entire boat trip. They get on a boat, they get off a boat, the end.

Okay I need to stop somewhere. I’m ignoring a lot of later stuff because it’s so dependent on where the story’s going now that Casca is awake etc. Like eg the Moonlight Boy. Can I cut him? Give him a more ominous tone? Emphasize the saccharine tone he evokes for the sake of pulling the rug out from under the audience later? Will I be forced to make huge changes anyway because I can’t stand where the story ended up going? Idk it depends.

If I could tho I’d definitely cut Magnifico, Isidro, Ivalera, mermaid… like Farnese, Serpico, and Schierke are the only characters on Guts’ side who contribute to the story in a meaningful way. And without Isidro Puck could again too.

Oooh yk one thing that might be nice would be framing Farnese as the main protagonist of Guts’ half of the story during the MF arc. Just focus on her, show more stuff from her perspective, cut down a lot of fights but keep her digression back home, maybe give her some additional content that explores her character shift better, show her struggling more with her own inner darkness a bit when she first joins and give her some character beats as she slowly grows more comfortable with Casca, maybe put her backstory chapters in the first episode of a new season (a great season ender would be Guts walking away from the Hill of Swords js), etc.

lmao god I feel like I could keep going forever. sorry this is so meandering but ty for giving me the opportunity to go on and on about this. Is there anything you’d really like to change yourself?

[oovitus]

Weekend Reading, 1.13.18

I’ve been reading a lot about authenticity lately. I guess this is self-selecting, as it’s a topic that interests me and tends to permeate the spaces I spend time in (yoga studios, blogs that focus on health and self-care, therapy). But authenticity seems to be having something of a moment, too—or so book titles and articles would suggest.

For the holidays, my mom gifted me with a copy of Baron Baptiste’s new book, Perfectly Imperfect. I was touched that she thought of it, knowing how important my yoga practice is to me. It’s concise and readable, and it contains lots of good insights into the true meaning of yoga practice.

The chapter that stood out most to me is called “the myth of the real yogi.” In it, Baptiste addresses the false notion that a true yogi is always serene, peaceful, enlightened, and compassionate. It’s not that the qualities aren’t desirable, but rather that embodying them all the time doesn’t leave much room for our whole, complex humanness.

He writes,

“I see a real yogi as someone who is committed to growth and to being the best version of themselves . . . [s]omeone who is not afraid to get real about the whole mess of who they are—the good, the bad, and the ugly; someone who can be open and own that they get depressed, stressed out, pissed off . . . I’m not advocating that anyone be a specific way. It’s just important to acknowledge who we are in all our forms and personal expressions, even if sometimes those forms are not how we’d like ourselves to be.

Why? Because hiding behind a mask costs us so much and leaves us with so little. On the surface, we may look polished and “perfect,” but hiding our true self in all its dimensions saps our life energy and robs us of the freedom to express ourselves genuinely, from the heart.”

I read those words last weekend, and oddly enough, this last week presented me with lots of small opportunities to speak my truth—including moments when being honest might have hurt, frustrated, irritated, or disappointed other people. I tried to bring authentic words to these encounters, but I was reminded of how much work it can be to be truthful.

When I say “truthful,” I don’t mean brutal honesty or being needlessly blunt. I mean what Baptiste is talking about—approaching interpersonal situations with sincerity and heart, speaking directly and honestly. It can be difficult to do this when you’re a people pleaser. I know it’s impossible to keep everyone happy all of the time, which is all the more reason to be forthwright. But it sure isn’t easy.

I don’t have anything particularly original to say about this, except that it’s on my mind a lot lately, and I’m still figuring out how to show up truthfully while also being sensitive and compassionate. It’s good to keep reading, to continue gathering inspiration, and to practice, practice, and practice some more.

If any books or creative works come to mind along these lines, I’d love some suggestions, or to hear what’s guided and inspired you in authentic, direct communication. In the meantime, I hope you’ll enjoy the roundup of links and recipes this weekend.

Recipes

I love the vibrant colors of Sherrie’s garlicky kale bowls with red beans and cauliflower rice! (And also love how quickly the recipe comes together—15 minutes in a skillet).

A gorgeous winter vegetable side dish: a grilled beet and fennel salad with vegan yogurt and sprouted lentils from Denisse of Le Petit Eats.

Lindsey’s creamy red pepper cashew pasta is not only a perfect comfort food dish, but also surprisingly easy to make. I love the short ingredient list, especially for a hearty and crowd-pleasing meal like this.

More comfort food goodness! Adrianna’s creamy vegan kale and mushroom mac hits the spot for winter, and I also appreciated her candid words about visions and intentions for the new year.

Finally, an appetizer that’s impressive and deeply flavorful, but streamlined to make: Erin’s quick & easy focaccia pizza. I’m digging the sweet balsamic glaze and the unexpected topping combo of red onion and apple.

Reads

1. Sort of on topic—since perfectionism can really get in the way of authenticity—an article about how perfectionism seems to be on the rise, taking a toll on kids in particular. It’s concerning, and I agree with one of the experts profiled that schools and other organizations need to start stressing “compassion over competition.”

2. I’ve shared a lot of articles about weight stigma and its consequences within the healthcare industry, but I’m sharing another, because it’s so well-researched and thorough. Carrie Dennett covers the cost of weight stigma, from physician’s offices to social media to research.

3. I was inspired by this profile of NITEO, a pilot program at Boston University that’s dedicated to giving students the coping schools and bureaucratic support they need to navigate higher education while also managing severe anxiety, depression, and other mental health conditions.

4. I’m excited to see more and more thoughtful, bravely written work on adult anorexia. The latest to catch my eye is this essay by Lisa Fogerty, and the line that really struck me was this:

“For me, change is as much an enemy as weight gain and the body itself. Puberty is one of the most frequently discussed risk periods for the development of eating disorders. The frustration I have with the focus on puberty and eating disorders is that it doesn’t address the fact that every stage of life for a person with an eating disorder presents enormous changes.”

The times in my life when I became most susceptible to anorexia all involved substantive changes, either in the life cycle (early puberty) or in the course of my growth (going off to college, transitioning through my twenties). Even today, major life changes—especially those for which I don’t feel prepared—evoke that part of me that wonders whether tightening the grip on my diet would make me feel better. It’s so important for us to talk about this connection and to give women and men who have had EDs the tools they need to protect recovery longterm.

5. Finally, important reporting on how consolidation in the healthcare industry is injuring America’s rural and community hospitals.

This week, a comforting, warming, and wintery lentil dish to serve over your favorite grain. Look forward to sharing, and wishing you all a great rest of the weekend.

xo

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[amandasarmada]

Meta: Leta Lestrange (Part 1 of 2)

Tumblr Exclusive for my story “A Chance I’ll Take”

Note, for people seeing this in the tag, this is an extension of a fic I just finished, so not canon.  Also if you have your own theories and just adore who you think Leta is going to be, you may want to avoid reading!  I thought/hoped this was reflection was worth putting in the tag, but it could easily be considered “hate” (although I did try to make it more complex than that).  I know it absolutely breaks my heart when I go to my ship tags and see negativity, so I wanted to give fair warning.  It was not my intention to come in your tag and hate on your girl, I just figured some people interested in her character might enjoy some meta on her. Please don’t read if you’re sensitive about negative commentary!

So - this post contains what is essentially speculation for the personality of Leta Lestrange, explored through my fic “A Chance I’ll Take,” which attempts to take on the rumored events of the second movie.  It’s a combination of explicit canon, inference, and extrapolation (with a healthy sprinkle of wishful thinking). And it’s long af, so buckle up.

So, Leta.  I’ve gotten some very interesting and thoughtful comments from readers on my characterization of her, all of which I found incredibly flattering (you guys are too sweet <3 ) but some of which also concerned me, as maybe I wasn’t as clear as I hoped in sprinkling hints about what kind of person she is. (And maybe minds will be changed, now that the story is officially finished, and everything has been laid bare.)

For example, someone said something along the lines of ‘being grateful that I didn’t just do the catty thing - and that in a different world, she could see Tina and Leta being tentative friends (or at least having a mutual respect for each other).’  While I did try hard not to just write Leta as a one-dimensional Uber Sadistic Evil Bitch, I don’t think she’s someone Tina (or most people) would want to be friends with.  I certainly wouldn’t.  I think she’s a remarkably dangerous person, in part because on the surface she seems fairly likable.

In other words, the original commenter can definitely be forgiven for her misinterpretation of Leta, because that’s exactly the point.  She’s the snake hidden in the grass (funnily enough, I’ve toyed with a headcanon that she’s secretly a snake animagus, but that’s a topic for another time).

Let’s back up a bit.

Leta has many positive traits.  She’s fun, spontaneous, charming, almost unnervingly beautiful, and clever as they come.  And clearly, she’s not entirely unpleasant, as Newt had many happy moments with her.  (She also, importantly - and as has now been revealed - has a very sad backstory.  This not only makes her much more sympathetic, and causes people to be more willing to overlook her negative traits, but also makes them actively want to protect her. It’s an important distinction, as Newt and Tina are both “protectors” by nature and reluctant to turn away those they view as being vulnerable.)  

Now in acknowledging Leta’s positive traits, I also wanted to draw attention to a very common real-life parallel - which is that toxic, even abusive people can be incredibly likable (and lovable!), when they’re not actively performing toxic behaviour.  In Leta’s case, it’s not just a show, either - she isn’t a full-fledged sociopath, she does genuinely care about Newt, and she isn’t simply pretending to be nice to get him to forgive her or ‘fall into her trap’, at least not consciously.  But her behaviour is nevertheless extremely unhealthy, and even if she has underlying reasons exacerbating that behaviour (whether it be mental illness, or coping mechanisms due to childhood abuse), it still remains unhealthy, even criminal, and she should be held responsible for it.

This is extremely relevant because in my mind (and most importantly, in my story) Leta bears several characteristics of a pathological narcissist.

Here’s how David Yates explains her:

“She’s quite complicated and damaged and confused...she’s a kind of tragic figure.”

I think (or at least hope) the version of Leta I created is all of those things, but that doesn’t mean she’s a good or noble person. She isn’t.

In my mind, Leta is someone who likes control. Part of this is a consequence of her life experiences, and very understandable - she grew up in an oppressive, rigid household, in which she was put under immense social pressures and literally had no control of her own body (which was subject to ritual abuse).  But I think Leta is naturally controlling as well, and she exerts her desire for control in unhealthy, unacceptable ways, to the detriment of others around her.  (I’ll discuss this more in part 2, when I discuss Leta as a foil for Tina.)

She also doesn’t see how her behaviour puts others off, and it’s one of the reasons why she - like Newt - was a loner at school.  Leta actually doesn’t have much difficulty making friends - it’s keeping them that’s the problem. Socializing is a complicated undertaking for her.  She adores attention and admiration, but she gets easily bored with people (and shows it), and generally expects much more from others than she’s willing to give back, which other people quickly tire of.  She’s also extremely emotionally volatile, and her tears and tantrums caused most of her classmates to steer clear of her early on.  These episodes became less public as she grew older, but the underlying reasons for them persisted, and she was never as popular as one might expect for a girl of her charm and talents.

Little hints of her and Newt’s interactions at school shed light on these traits - for one thing, she’s manipulative, bossy, and selfish, though she manifests these characteristics in a lighthearted way that helps mask and soften the extent of her controlling tendencies. Although I didn’t get to explore it quite as much directly in the text, my headcanon going into this story was that often, when Leta wants something from someone, she frames it in a way that elicits sympathy rather than demanding it outright, such as asking through tears. And those tears aren’t insincere run-of-the-mill “crocodile tears” either, exactly - it’s more complicated than that. Much like a child, she sees her needs and even desires (however petty or inconvenient) as paramount, and the thought of not getting everything she wants (or at least as much as possible) is genuinely distressing to her. Obviously, these aren’t unusual traits, and we all exhibit them at times (especially in our youth, or in times of fatigue or stress or hunger), but in Leta they’re exaggerated to an extreme, persist into adulthood, and are nearly constant - rather than being the infrequent, occasional occurrences typical of most mature, well-adjusted adults.  In a nutshell, Leta’s recklessness and unruliness often gets her into trouble, and she doesn’t mind bringing people along with her.  And despite thinking of herself as a fairly independent person (she’s certainly ingenious and resourceful enough), Leta is extremely manipulative of other people, and constantly drains the energy of those around her.

None of these things are particularly pleasant, but in Leta’s case her faults delve into the genuinely disturbing.

As we saw in Chapter 7, Leta performed the Imperius Curse on her brother, Lacerto, in order to get the information they needed to save Newt.  Hopefully, when you first read this, it made you sit up and widen your eyes a bit, because it’s a big moment, and it says a lot about her character.  

While there are circumstances in which performing the Imperius Curse doesn’t necessarily and irredeemably make you “evil” (Harry himself did it when they broke into Gringotts), there is a reason why the Imperius Curse is considered Unforgivable.  And compare the two situations - Harry did it in an emergency and as a last resort; Leta planned to do it ahead of time.  She set out to do it deliberately, and she did it at length, taking full advantage of the act, and without considering alternative options (like searching through his things, for example, or tricking him).  She forced her brother to sit and draw an extensive map of Nurmengard, interrogated him about security measures and Grindelwald’s movements, then wiped his memory of the incident.  It would have taken hours, and caused a considerable amount of emotional distress for her victim.  No, her brother wasn’t a “good guy”, and yes, Newt’s life was in danger, but hopefully this action makes you at least uneasy.  And we see that absolutely, Queenie doesn’t approve when she sees it in her mind, and she knows Tina would be equally horrified if she knew of the methods they’d unknowingly been associated with, which is why she didn’t tell her.  Here’s the exact quote:

Tina gaped at her, her eyes widening as she started flipping through the heavily-detailed notes. “How did you-?”

“You don’t want to know.”

It was Queenie who answered. She looked slightly sick, and was suddenly eyeing Leta with distaste, and something else that might have been – fear. 

(Chapter 7)

This is only very, very subtly hinted at, but the fact that Queenie is so appalled by what she sees also suggests something else - that Leta didn’t have remorse, and that maybe she even reveled in having someone else so much at her mercy, rather than seeing it as a necessary evil she felt deeply conflicted about. Something about Leta’s mind disturbed Queenie, that’s for sure, and that’s also the feeling I got while watching the movie, when she’s reading Newt...Queenie does not like or trust this woman. At any rate, hopefully we all agree that Leta’s actions were morally ambiguous at best. 

What maybe (?) many people also didn’t catch, is that in the flashback, when Leta performed the experiments on the jarvey which later attacked Abraxas Malfoy, not only did she give the creature potentially dangerous substances in order to increase its powers, Newt mentioned explicitly that it would have been afraid during the attack.  I wanted to subtly suggest in the story that indeed, Leta had Imperiused it as well.  In short, she sees living things as potential tools to control, and will use force if need be.  (And then there’s the question of why she’d performed those experiments on the jarvey at all.  She was trying to figure out how to create more potent tools to have at her command - again looking to control and exploit. This also raises the point that a great deal of effort and deliberation went into Leta’s scheme against Malfoy; this wasn’t a prank, it was a premeditated attack.  She had to think up the idea in the first place, then brew and perfect the potions, and practice the Imperius Curse to master placing it on the jarvey when the moment came.  She had a lot of time to change her mind about going through with it, but she didn’t.)

Equally important, Leta refused to accept responsibility for her actions, and put the blame on everyone else - ‘Malfoy deserved it’ (even though he could have been killed, due to the “enhancements” Leta had done on the jarvey), ‘his father was overreacting’, she ‘couldn’t have known’ they’d kill the animal that gravely attacked a student.  Sure, many people will try to convince themselves of such things after they’ve made a terrible mistake because they can’t bear to face themselves and the reality of what they’ve done, but Leta also made it clear she’d be willing to do it again.  Though she showed momentary discomfort at the jarvey’s death, this could just as easily be read as a reaction to the situation spiraling out of her control, and her losing one of the tools she’d so carefully cultivated.  Her uneasiness is also gone as quickly as it appears; for her, the suffering and death of innocent creatures to do her bidding is an acceptable cost of achieving her goals.

Most importantly, despite the fact that an innocent creature is dead and a student is in mortal peril at her hand, Leta’s primary concern throughout the scene is always the preservation of her own well-being.  First she tries to downplay the severity of the attack to save face (knowing Newt is unhappy about Malfoy’s condition and wanting to preserve his image of her in his mind), and when he makes it impossible for her to worm out of it, she turns cold and reiterates that he deserved it.

Fifteen years later, Leta is largely friendless; she’s effectively pushed away the one person who could have saved her, if she’d allowed herself to be saved. Although she is regretful of this, it’s not enough for her to actually change her behaviour in order to truly seek contrition.  She expects Newt to forgive her, she feels entitled to it; when he doesn’t, she wallows in self-pity rather than reflecting on why that might be.

Also, though she does take a risk to help in Newt’s rescue, she could have done much more (every wand counted, and she could have concealed her identity if she was worried about being hunted down later), and again, she’s never made any real effort to find redemption for her past crimes.  Note the words Newt uses when Tina asks if she’s ever shown remorse - “She’s apologized five or six times over the years for what all her actions cost me.” Never has she expressed guilt over causing the creature’s death, or gravely injuring another human being.  Newt actually addresses this distinction himself, and that this bothers him far more than his expulsion. 

That said, Leta’s choice regarding the expulsion, too, is heavily significant. Although the original decision to let Newt take the fall is tragic and understandable, given her fear of her father’s wrath, fifteen years have now passed.  Leta is a grown woman, living on her own and free of her father’s tyranny.  She could come forward and clear Newt’s name and face the consequences of what she did (and these consequences would be significantly lighter now), but she chooses not to.  To someone like Tina, who believes in honesty, courage, and integrity, this makes Leta the antithesis of everything she values - which I’ll discuss more in Part 2.

Thoughts you’d like to share?  Thanks for wading through my little essay!

[jbankai89]

The Stag and The Snake Part I, Chapter Seven - School Daze

My good friend and braintwin @kuriquinn​ suggested I try posting my actual fics on Tumblr, rather than just linking them, so I'm giving it a try. For those of you following my work on AO3 or AFF, these will be reposts until I'm caught up and everything is posted. :)

Title: The Stag and the Snake

Author: JBankai89

Status: Complete, Part 1: 12/12 Part 2: 22/22

Rating: Part 1: PG-13, Part 2: NC-17

Fandom: Harry Potter

Pairing: Harry Potter/Draco Malfoy, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin

Achievements: None

Warnings: Violence and Gore, Violent Sexual Assault, Minor Character Death

Summary: Vernon Dursley is enraged with the prospect of raising a boy he never wanted. Petunia recalls something that might help them get the child out of their hair more quickly. Overcoming their recalcitrance for anything magical, they invoke The Rite of Betrothal. Who will Harry be forced to marry, and will he be able to cope with all the demands it will entail?

Word Count: Part 1: 46 772 Part 2: 85 442

Other Links: AO3, AFF, LJ

Notes: Please note that this fic also contains Evil!Snape, which is a trope I hate, because Sev is my favourite character, but for the purposes of this story, he worked best.

This fic is based on the story of The Swan Princess, which I will be following the canon of in conjunction with the HP canon. Canon divergences include Voldemort is definitely dead, Lucius Malfoy is a bit OOC, and Sirius did not go to Azkaban. Because most of the story takes place before and after Hogwarts, a lot of the Hogwarts years are glossed over. I tried to keep the links and stuff organized how they did it on the old LJ group MyChemicalSlash, so I hope this is clean enough for you guys to follow easily.

Previous Chapter

Fic Masterpost

A/N: This is the first time jump in the fic, hope it's not too jarring for you guys :)

Chapter 7 – School Daze

Six years of being bounced like a human volleyball between a stable home life with Remus and Sirius, and a severely depressing one with the Dursleys was something Harry had never managed to get used to. To go from a home where he was wanted, and his company was enjoyed, to one where he was treated like a dog that had rolled in something smelly never failed to give Harry a strange feeling of whiplash.

Coupled with the ever-delightful week he was expected to spend with Draco Malfoy each summer, it made for an extremely confusing upbringing. Harry had always been deeply grateful that he had Remus and Sirius, but even the reassurances that they'd always be there for him was cold comfort during those few weeks he had to spend with his blood relatives.

Despite the fact that Sirius had always said that things would get better with time, but Harry felt like it only got worse. Amazingly, Uncle Vernon had stopped verbally berating him, and instead took to ignoring Harry completely. This suited Harry just fine, but it did get lonely rather quickly. Sirius had taught him to write and use Owl Post early on, and his depressing weeks with the Dursleys were punctuated with tiny rays of hope in the form of Archimedes, an old, cantankerous horned owl who brought him letters every other day.

Harry, (Sirius wrote)

I know it's miserable there with the Muggles, but don't worry. Remus and I will make it up to you when you get back. Remember, it's only for a couple weeks and then you won't need to see them again for a good, long time.

Keep your head up!

Sirius

The words of encouragement weren't very comforting after spending a day being completely ignored and barely fed, but he dutifully wrote back straightaway. Harry was always reluctant to send the owl off with his response—it was nice to have a creature around that didn't look at him with disgust.

Despite his less-than-friendly treatment, Harry was always reluctant to tell Sirius about specific problems that he was having with his relatives. Not that he was embarrassed, but Sirius's curse first, ask questions later mentality made it a little difficult for Harry to tell him what was going on without worrying that he might show up at Privet Drive and do some real damage. On more than one occasion he and Remus had had to remind Sirius that it would be a little difficult to stay in contact if he was in Azkaban.

~*~

Harry was with the Dursleys when a particular letter arrived for him.

He often wondered how much easier the entire ordeal would have been if he had been with Sirius and Remus at the time of its arrival. The chaotic whirlwind of events that followed was, if nothing else, memorable, if not a little hilarious in retrospect.

There was still a bitter taste in his mouth as he recalled his talks with Hagrid in those first few days of August. He felt deeply betrayed by Remus and Sirius, especially as he thought of all those times he had asked them, 'Why did that person look at my scar like that?'.

They never answered him, at least, not properly.

His fingers traced his lightning-bolt scar. Why hadn't Sirius and Remus told him about Voldemort? Did they think that he was too immature to properly handle it? It stung, and he had even contemplated ignoring the letter that had come for him, wishing him luck with his first term, along with apologizing profusely for being unable to escort him to Platform 9¾.

Among all the new information regarding his apparent fame, he had learned that he and Draco were not destined to be just friends, like he had first been told. Harry was still uncertain whether he was thankful that Sirius had told him or not.

“This is the Betrothal Contract,” Sirius had explained, showing where he, Remus, Uncle Vernon, Aunt Petunia, and a man named Pike had signed some ten years earlier. “It means that when you turn seventeen, you and Draco are to be bonded—married.”

Married! He couldn't even choose his own husband or wife! Harry was furious, and did not speak to Sirius for several days after that. The whole concept of marrying a bloke was confusing enough, but being forced into it was almost more than he could handle.

A few days before he was due to leave, Hedwig returned one evening with a tiny scroll of parchment tied to her leg, and with it another unpleasant reminder of his inescapable future.

I know you really don't want to think on this Harry, Sirius wrote, but be sure that you do not speak or acknowledge Draco Malfoy while at school. It will breach the contract that I showed you, and the repercussions for breaking a magical contract are never an enjoyable experience. Your teachers are aware of the situation. Have a good term, we'll see about getting you here for Christmas.

As if he wanted any more reminders of his would-be fiancé.

True to his word to Sirius, he did not speak to Draco. It almost felt like revenge, being able to finally ignore him after years of being subjected to similar treatment at Draco's hands. At the same time, Harry got the shock of a lifetime on the train when someone poked their head into his compartment and said to him, “anyone sitting there? Everywhere else is full.”

It was a strange experience, choosing a friend, and having them not ignore you. Harry almost didn't know what to do, or how to explain to Ron why he totally ignored and wouldn't even look at Draco Malfoy when he burst into their compartment with Crabbe and Goyle and attempted to take the rest of their sweets.

Thank goodness for Scabbers.

Ron asked him multiple times in multiple ways what was up between him and Malfoy, to which Harry still had not answered properly.

“I mean, Harry,” Ron had said one afternoon, “you won't even look at him. Why?”

Harry couldn't answer him, no matter how often he had asked in those first few weeks at Hogwarts. How could he tell his new friend what Malfoy was to him?

'oh it's no big deal Ron, he's just my husband-to-be, that's all.' Even in his head it sounded awful.

The other big shock Harry received was during his first week. Harry knew he recognized the Potions Master, it was a niggling feeling in the back of his mind. His face was familiar to Harry, but he couldn't place it. Of course, this feeling was heavily overshadowed by the snide comments and insults Snape felt compelled to shoot at him, as well as the deeply unsettling way Snape would stare at him. He caught him doing it sometimes at mealtimes, or during lessons.

Harry wasn't sure if Snape was trying to catch him doing something he wasn't supposed to, or if it was related to something else. He tried to not let it get to him, but he couldn't fathom why a man whom he had never met before would despise him so completely.

Sirius & Remus, Harry wrote,

First week of lessons went OK. I made a friend already, Ron Weasley. He's like a saint compared to Draco.

But something has been bothering me. There's a teacher here and he teaches Potions. His name is Professor Snape, and I feel like I've seen him somewhere before. Have I met him, did I just forget? Maybe it's something I don't feel like remembering—he's about as nice as Uncle Vernon.

Don't worry though, I'm OK.

Harry

He didn't detail how nasty Snape had been—he didn't want Sirius to think that he couldn't take care of himself. Handing the letter to Hedwig, she took off into the deep blue evening sky.

It did not take Sirius long to respond, and Harry had a feeling that it was nothing short of a miracle that his godfather hadn't burst into the castle and throttled Snape, given the mama-bear tendencies he'd seen in the man over the years growing up with him.

Harry,

Yes you've seen him before. He was at The First Meeting ceremony when you were five, at Malfoy Manor. It was a long time ago, I'm not surprised that you don't remember him. You were never officially introduced, though. Let me know straightaway if he tries anything funny.

Sirius

Harry wasn't entirely certain what Sirius had meant by funny, but he sent Hedwig back with a short note reassuring him that he would. He wasn't sure what was holding him back from telling Sirius or Remus about Snape, but he didn't want the others—the Slytherins especially—to think that he went crying to his guardians as soon as someone was mean to him.

While he and Draco continued to ignore each other at the insistence of their parents and guardians, they still found ways to heckle one another, albeit indirectly. From Draco challenging Ron to a duel, and just barely avoiding detention with Filch, to getting back Neville's Remembrall and subsequently finding himself Seeker for the Gryffindor Quidditch Team. Harry found it highly amusing that Draco's blatant attempts at getting him expelled had failed so abysmally.

Most unfortunately, ignoring Draco was both wonderful and frustrating at the same time.

Harry loved throwing back at the other boy the same kind of treatment that he had experienced for years at the youngest Malfoy's hands. At the same time however, Harry was unused to having to pointedly ignore someone so completely, and nearly caught himself acknowledging him more than once.

Of course, it had to be Draco's ego that inevitably broke the contract's guidelines.

Harry remembered dashing from the Great Hall with Ron and his wrapped broomstick.

He remembered Draco snatching it from him and proclaiming, “that's a broomstick. You'll be in for it this time, Potter, first years aren't allowed them,” before throwing it back.

After that, his memory had become rather hazy.

Harry didn't remember blacking out, but he did remember waking up in the Hospital Wing. He remembered blinding pain so complete he could not lift himself from the haze long enough to know if he was alone or not. His body ached, angry boils danced up and down his arms, bursting the second his skin brushed up against anything. Distantly, he thought he could hear someone else screaming...or was it his own voice? He could no longer tell.

“Calming Draught!” Harry heard a woman's voice cry, “I can't do anything until they calm down!” They? Was he not alone in this haze of agony? He felt something cool touch his lips, and a thick, viscous liquid trickled down his throat. It made him choke and sputter, but almost at once he felt some of his tension leave him.

The next time Harry woke he groaned with pain, but it was nowhere near as blinding at it had been the last time that he was conscious. It felt more like he had sustained bad bruises over a good portion of his body. He turned, and saw that there was a fuzzy form of someone sitting at his side. He pawed blindly for his glasses, and as he pulled them on, Sirius come into focus.

“Sirius?” Harry was alarmed at how hoarse he sounded. The man had been crouched forward in an uncomfortable-looking chair, seemingly asleep. When Harry spoke, he jerked a little and opened his eyes. The dark circles he saw made Harry wonder how long it had been since his godfather had properly slept.

“Welcome back,” Sirius said with a weak smile, reaching forward to muss Harry's hair affectionately.

“It was Draco,” Harry said in a whispered rush, “he talked to me and then...and then...I can't remember.” Harry shook his head, trying to recall his memories, but even the small motion made him feel queasy. Pained tears stung the corners of his eyes. “Sirius, it hurts,” Harry felt himself tremble, and it took a great deal of self control to keep himself from crying.

“I know Harry,” Sirius said softly, moving to grasp Harry's shoulder as he always did when Harry was upset, but at the last minute pulled back. Harry was grateful, even the feeling of his pyjamas touching his skin was near-agony. “The contract punished both you and Draco for his stupidity. Lucius and I have it all sorted, and you'll both be back to normal soon.”

“How soon is soon?” Harry asked with a frown, again cursing Draco for doing this to him.

“I'm not sure,” Sirius said softly as he crossed his arms over his chest. “Magical contracts are temperamental things. Usually they cease punishment once the proper enchantments have been performed, which was done yesterday afternoon. Now, it seems you just need to wait for your body to heal on its own.”

“Wonderful,” Harry gritted his teeth. “Well when you next see Draco curse him for me, since I can't do it myself.” Sirius huffed a breath in what was almost a laugh.

“And have Lucius throw one of his trademark hissy fits? No chance.” Sirius grinned when Harry laughed, then his face fell a little. “Your friend—Ron, he's been asking what happened. Your teachers and I settled on saying that you cursed each other, but incorrectly. I assumed you wanted to tell him about your, er, special circumstances in your own time.”

Harry cracked a faint smile. “Yeah, thanks.”

~*~

Following his brief stint in the Hospital Wing, Harry dutifully wrote to Sirius and Remus every week, reassuring them that he was properly avoiding Draco at all costs.

After spending so much time being ignored by the Dursleys and the Malfoys both, it was nice to have someone who actually cared to know what was going on in his day-to-day life. While he had no illusions about Sirius and Remus being his actual parents, after so long without anyone who cared, they were just as good. Harry's only concern was how people would react to the 'Harry Potter Has Two Dads' gossip.

Those from muggle families tended to give a little start of surprise, but Ron and everyone else from the wizarding families hardly batted an eyelash.

“Why would that freak me out?” Ron had asked him after Harry told him about his family situation, after weeks and weeks of dwelling on Ron's worst-case-scenario responses. The amazing part was how genuinely confused Ron had been towards Harry's reluctance to tell him. “Two blokes together is just another kind of relationship. My mum knows a bunch of couples that are two witches or two wizards.” At that point Harry had tuned him out as he spoke, feeling as though a great band of tension had been removed from his back.

“Really Harry,” Hermione had said when he told her in hushed tones in the library. “Why would you be afraid to tell me that? If they are good to you, who cares if it's two men? Honestly. Besides, as far as wizarding culture is concerned, it's totally accepted. In Hogwarts, A History there are several passages about Betrothed students having to ignore one another, and at least half of them were same-sex couples...”

Harry felt suddenly queasy at the mention of the word betrothed. What would Ron and Hermione say when they found out? Homosexuality was one thing, but with a Malfoy was another matter entirely.

~*~

Harry,

I've spoken to Dumbledore, and he wants you to either stay at the castle or go back to your delightful relatives for the holidays. Believe me, we did try to get you home for Christmas, but Dumbledore must have his reasons. I'm really sorry.

Sirius

The parchment was badly creased after Harry had read and reread the short letter over a dozen times that evening. He couldn't quite pinpoint why he was so angry; he'd missed Christmases with them before, why did this feel different? Harry crumpled up the letter and tossed it into the fire, where it was consumed almost at once by the flames.

“Harry?” Hermione asked timidly over the top of her Transfiguration text, “is everything all right?”

“Yeah, spectacular,” he grumbled, nudging a partially charred log back into the grate with the tip of his shoe. “I can't go home for Christmas. Dumbledore won't let Sirius and Remus.”

“What?” Hermione blinked, “but, why? Is it anything to do with You-Know-Who?”

“I don't know,” Harry muttered with a shrug while he continued to stare at the flames sullenly. “I mean, why would it? He's dead, Hagrid told me all about it. Sirius always says that Dumbledore has his reasons, but hell if I know what they are. No one tells me anything.” He crossed his arms, trying to put his disappointment out of his mind, with little success.

“Well, Dumbledore must have his reasons,” said Hermione reasonably, reaching out to gently touch Harry's shoulder, but he flinched away from her touch. She froze, and retracted her hand. “They say he's a genius, it's not like he'd want you to be miserable on purpose.”

“Yeah, sometimes I wonder,” Harry muttered, and nudged at the fire with his toe again.

“Come on Harry, it won't be that bad,” Ron said consolingly, and Harry turned to him, and cocked an eyebrow. “Me, Percy, Fred, and George are all staying too, it'll be great. You'll see.”

Sirius,

It's OK. I'll stay at Hogwarts for Christmas. Ron and some of the other Weasleys are staying too, something about their parents visiting one of their other brothers in Romania. Don't worry about it.

Harry

Harry sent off Hedwig with the letter the next day, still bubbling with frustration. He knew it wasn't Sirius's fault, at least, not really, but he didn't want to have an inter-owl argument with his godfather about it. He knew that Sirius meant well by following Dumbledore's every wish, but sometimes Harry wished that he wouldn't. He kicked at the dropping-strewn floor as Hedwig faded into the distance.

~*~

Harry,

What in the name of Merlin were you doing atop the Astronomy tower, out-of-bounds, at night? You should count yourself lucky that I wasn't there, or I might've killed you. Make sure you don't address Draco during your detention.

Sirius

Harry groaned and hit his head lightly against the tabletop. Every time he tried to completely forget the whole 'I-have-to-marry-Draco-Malfoy' thing, Fate—or Sirius—seemed to find new and creative ways to remind him of it.

“Harry?” Hermione asked, glancing curiously at the note in his hand, “everything all right?”

“Yeah, brilliant.” Harry tucked the parchment into his bag before she could get a look at it, and grabbed a blank scrap of parchment and scribbled a note.

Sirius,

It's a long story.

Harry

~*~

Harry,

It's probably a good thing you're still at Hogwarts, or I might've strangled you. What was going through your head? You're extremely lucky that you and your friends weren't killed. There is a fine line between courage and stupidity, and honestly I can't tell which side you were on when you decided that it would be a good idea to face off against a Dark Wizard like Quirrell alone.

Albus sent us an owl with the details of what happened, and I am astounded that you didn't bring this matter to a teacher instead of trying to handle it yourself. We are going to have a serious talk when we see you in July. Don't think you've heard the end of this.

Sirius

PS. We bought you some new dress robes for your week with Draco this summer. I bet you can't wait.

Had it not been a letter blatantly reprimanding him, Harry might have laughed. Though it apparently was from Sirius, he was fairly certain Remus had rewritten it and omitted a few choice swear words, while the postscript sent nothing short of a wave of dread through him. He still hadn't told Ron and Hermione about that; in part because he was embarrassed, but mostly because he had no idea still how to break the news to them.

'Oh well,' Harry thought as he tucked the letter into his trunk, 'I still have seven years before I need to tell them.'

A/N: I just want to note that the reason for not Remus & Sirius take Harry to the platform and having Harry stay at Hogwarts over his first Christmas had less to do with upping the angst, and more in the interest in keeping to canon. Since I gloss over so much of the canon books, I wanted to keep to canon wherever I could.

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