#i absolutely shouldn’t do this but god Im pretty fucking sure it’s the major reason I was hired so quick at my last job

[seilon]

ah the perfect concoction for jobs not wanting to hire you: be too college educated for “unskilled” labor. but not college educated Enough for “skilled” labor

[mothmansfriend]

when i’m happy oh god i’m happy

TW: alcohol abuse, non-graphic sexual content, unhealthy coping mechanisms, self harm (in many forms), drug use, couchsurfing, mentions of delusions and paranoia, otherwise reckless behaviour

Note: this takes place in @illogicallyinclined’s hockey au and is a Prequel this is supposed to represent what Remus’s manic episodes look like everyone is different, but im using a mix of my own experiences with bipolar i and some friends who were willing to talk about theirs, then changing it to fit Remus’s existing Absolutely Feral personality, Jared and Payton are OC’s and teammates of Remus, the three of them are known for wrecking havoc at all times because none of them possess a braincell.

The art studio was empty, filled only by the assorted music of Remus’s sculpting playlist on the bluetooth speaker he brought in, and Remus himself. His hands glide through the wet clay and he basks in the slimy feeling between his fingers. Remus’s hair is held back by a small headband and he is wearing a tank top and jogging pants already covered in various mediums he has used through the day. He does not know where the energy to finish every project for this semester came from but he isn’t about to object.

If you were to look around this studio, there is a high contrast painting of a tentacle creature that is unsettling in an almost unidentifiable way, half of a self-portrait which uses resin teeth as the main element, as well as his current project of a large cup shaped like a decapitated head. In short, while Remus believes these are his best pieces, the chances of the university permitting them to be displayed are very low.

Remus gets frustrated that the music didn’t seem to be filling his inspiration in the way he hoped he changes the song revealing it to be approximately 4am, and no texts received since he sent D a picture if the teeth pile around 10pm.

—

“Can you go wake Remus up and ask if he wants any breakfast, he really shouldn’t sleep in this late, even if it is Saturday” D asks from the stove while Roman grabs his carton of milk from the fridge and doesn’t bother grabbing a cup.

D grimaces at him as he chugs back the milk, once again thankful that they have separate ones (even if that is at fault of Remus deciding to mix apple juice with milk in the carton without alerting anyone else in the household). “He actually headed out like, real early this morning, I spoke to him when I got up for a shower at like six. He said he’d be back today though?” Roman replied ignoring D’s look.

“Well, that’s even weirder. I’ll make extras so he can eat when he gets back, it's already eleven.”

“Sounds good,” Roman noticing D’s almost done slides a few plates next to him and accepts D’s soft ‘thanks’.

Suddenly they hear someone miss the keyhole three times before getting it and entering. Unsurprisingly, it’s Remus inappropriately dressed for a casual outing, surprisingly he seems to be holding several bags full of merchandise. “Helloo roommates! Look what I bought!” Remus shouts, slamming the door with his foot and bringing his bags to the couch.

“Are those... cups?” D asks turning off the stovetop to curiously check out Remus’s merch load.

“Hell yeah they are! I figured since you-” He pokes at D, “Took away all our glass cups after me and Roman went to that last party, I would take it upon myself to replace them. Look!” Remus proudly pulls the ugliest Jar Jar Binks cup out of one of the bags.

Roman visibly recoils as his brother parades the worst cup he’s ever seen around their apartment. D rolls his eyes but collects the cup and hesitantly places it into the dishwasher. “Thank you, Remus, these cups are horrid but they’re functional, which, I guess is good enough. Though, how much did these cost?”

“No idea, probably around sixty bucks total though, maybe. I went to three different thrift stores. Look at this one!” Remus holds up a vaguely terrifying cup that seems like it may have once resembled Spongebob Squarepants to Roman.

“That’s… Great, Remus, thanks” Roman says taking the offered item.

—

The three make it to practice 20 minutes early because Roman likes to prove he’s dedicated and a good captain. Coach Thomas and Joan greet them and Thomas talks to Roman briefly as Joan finishes setting things up. D and Remus do some stretches as others begin to show up, D comments on Remus being shaky and Remus hops around quickly explaining that he just woke up with a lot of energy for some reason.

Coach Thomas reminds Remus to take his time during practices speeding through everything doesn’t work if he keeps messing up before he even makes it halfway through.

—

D is going to kill Remus tomorrow morning. The repetitive sound of the bedframe slamming against their shared wall, and Remus wailing like a cat in heat at 1am is not something he wants to deal with right now. It’s a Tuesday night and D knows Remus has a class at 11am, one that D will not let him skip because he decided getting laid was more important. How does Remus even get a man to willingly enter that nightmare of a room? D rummages through his bedside table for ear plugs and regrets giving Roman the far room so easily.

—

“Jesus- Hello? Do you know what time it is?” The tired voice answers the phone after the third time of going to voicemail.

“Of course I don’t, Jared, I’m not a fucking nerd! I just thought I might extend my offer of filling the fountain in the middle of campus with bubble bath and a swim to you and Payton! D already said if I woke him up he would cut my dick off and feed it to his snake,” Remus audibly pouted at the end of his sentence.

Despite it being three am, it didn’t take a lot for Jared to wake up Payton and agree to meet him just off campus to run to the 24/7 convenience store for soap for the fountain. Remus leads the group in talking a mile a minute about something that Jared and Payton actually missed out on entirely. They try to contribute but realize Remus doesn’t notice when they have their own conversation anyways. They listen to him vaguely flit through topic after topic and get lost and confused in his own sentences, and once the soap is collected, they head to the large fountain in the middle of campus.

The fifth bottle of soap has been discarded and the fountain is sufficiently bubbly by the time the three hockey players strip to their boxers and begin their bath. There are attempted drownings, bubble beards, and the fountain change being thrown around.

At some point Remus stops talking for a second, observing the lithium bulbs through the fountain streams and bubbles floating across the courtyard. For a moment, he thinks he’s never been this happy in his life, these last few days have been the best days of his life. He lets Jared and Payton know this and like stare at him for a moment before teasing him about going soft and a few “I love you, bro” “Dude, you mean so much to me” and such were exchanged. They leave moments before campus security’s due to do their rounds in the early morning and laugh when about an hour later they receive a campus-wide notification to avoid the courtyard for repairs.

—

Remus spends most of practice being more annoying than usual. He gets a bit more of a stern talking to than he has in a while, in response says that he’ll try to do better to prepare for the game this weekend.

—

He did not succeed and got an even sterner talking to by Coach Thomas and Joan, and then by Roman separately.

—

Remus has a brief moment of clarity regarding his spending habits from the last week and a half in the middle of his current project. His solution is instead of buying the club size container of hot sauce, he makes a trip to the Taco Bell off campus. After dropping off the rest of his goods at the apartment, it was pretty late in the evening and he was dressed in nothing but neon green basketball shorts, slides, and a pretty badly stained grey tank top. Thankfully, Florida weather permitted this, though the looks he had been receiving all day disagreed. It likely did not help that if prompted, Remus wasn’t 100% on the last time that he slept, but if he had to guess it was two or three days ago, but that was probably a maximum of five hours. Surprisingly, he had never felt so good in his life. He’s also pretty sure he’s said that a lot this week.

He leaves Taco Bell with a small meal bag full of hot sauce at no cost.

—

D doesn’t ask any questions when he uses the bathroom in the early morning and is met with the sight of Remus in the bathtub. He is covered in a large variety of substances. The floor is covered in Taco Bell hot sauce wrappers, there’s a box full of water balloons of various colours and sizes. Remus waves with his available hand before he resumes filling the current water balloon with what may be a bulk container of banana lube. D pisses, not bothering to ask Remus to leave and just pulls the shower curtain over a little before washing his hands and deciding to figure it out tomorrow.

The next day, D woke up around 10am to a few texts saying some prick is throwing weird water balloons at first years off this academic building on campus. D didn’t think much about it until he was leaving his 12:30 lecture walking past splatters of mayo, egg, egg shells, hot sauce, and more, all separately. While observing the damage he found Remus asleep on some grass outside said academic building and had to call Logan for help to get him home. The two are used to this by now and D reminds himself to tell Remus to clear his ‘great ideas’ with someone containing a braincell.

—

Remus spends a good majority of his day listening to one song in the living room of the shared apartment. He was there when D left for classes, he was there when Roman left a little later in the day, failing to go to his own classes at all that day. The second D returns for lunch Remus is trying to explain a hidden meaning in the song, D brushes it off and reminds Remus, that to pass his classes he has to at least go.

—

This is Remus’s third night out in an area of town he really doesn’t know. He went home yesterday for early practice before coming back out. He knows it didn’t go well.

In attempts to make himself feel better, he blew a guy who’s name he already forgot but was hot as hell, he lost count of the shots he’s done, but at least there’s no practice tomorrow. He doesn’t have to worry about when he goes home, doesn’t have to worry about Roman or D and their weird concerned looks. He’s doing great! Why are they concerned, they just don’t get it.

At 2 am everyone gets kicked out of the club. Remus walks six blocks with his new friends with the promise of couch space to crash on and additional alcohol.

It’s suddenly 4:47 am and Remus is the only one awake and all the booze is gone. He is sitting under lithium streetlights smoking a cigarette on the porch of a strangers house with the humid Florida wind enables him to sit comfortably without a jacket. There is a moment, with sirens in the distance that Remus lets his eyes go out of focus. For the first time in who knows how long, he feels present. There is cracked cement under his feet, a dog barking a few houses down, and he wonders why he’s even here. The hidden Prince twin, here, in a city he has only been to once for a tournament, in a stranger’s house, drunk off his ass, his phone dead. He takes time to wonder, is this fun to him? It has to be right? Why did he just leave without telling anyone? Spending nights on the streets, or finding someone to go home with just so he didn’t have to find somewhere else to sleep. Is this who he is now?

He doesn’t know if he can answer that. Remus shakes himself before putting out his cigarette on his arm and deciding it doesn’t matter.

He still doesn’t sleep that night, but plugs in his phone and decides he needs to go home soon.

—

This is a different club than the previous night, someone sold Remus a few pills earlier and he figured why not? He feels better than ever. He lets the man he’s making out with know that and he lets out a kind of raspy laugh that Remus thinks is the hottest thing. He lets the other man know that too before sticking his tongue down his throat.

—

Remus is in the park yelling. It is almost 6pm, he pauses for a moment, completely forgetting what he was yelling about. He realizes that he is pretty drunk. Remus would normally like to say he only drinks with an excuse, but he doesn’t remember why he’s drunk, or how he got to the park. This isn’t near campus, he doesn’t recognize this park at all. He just stops yelling and googles the next bus to take him home.

—

Upon arriving home and greeting D, Remus falls asleep in his room for almost 12 hours to make up for the missing sleep from the last four days. When he is woken up for food and offered tylenol for his hangover, he tries to tell them he doesn’t have one. They don’t believe him, but he takes the food. Remus makes a joke recalling how the other day all he had eaten was some stale croutons he found in a pantry and half a bottle of Fireball he found in the fridge nearby. The joke did not land, but he was too busy laughing about it to notice.

The three eat their Sunday lunch with small amounts of banter and D switching between who he agrees with based on who’s statement didn’t sound like it came from a six year old. As they clean up, Remus starts excitedly talking about something that’s topic changed around four times in one sentence. Roman feigns interest but got lost and doesn’t care enough; D listens and has to ask Remus to repeat things slower every few minutes.

—

Several times throughout the night, D hears Remus loudly leave his room to check the front door. In the early morning D doesn’t hear Remus return to his room, but faintly hears netflix turn on in the living room.

In the morning, Remus seems wary of the door but does not say anything.

—

One day while messing around in the kitchen Remus is struck with the need to just go. The urge is so strong that the more he stands still in the kitchen the more his body just begins to tremble with barely contained energy. He doesn’t quite know where he’s going yet, but as he grabs his wallet, double checking he has his bus pass and ID, a jacket, his phone, and his keys. Without telling anyone, he walks to the main exchange near campus where he hops on the first bus that arrives. The bus isn’t particularly busy, and it makes it easier for him as he settles into the back of the bus bopping to his music, but not having the focus to listen to a song all the way through. He hits his hands softly on the very 90’s looking patterned seats to the beat of the song, watching out the windows with both legs bouncing. He rides this bus to the end of the line and catches the next bus to arrive at that bus exchange that takes him into a new smaller city. The sun is beginning to set and he finds a pub to grab some food and a few drinks at.

An hour and a half and four drinks later Remus is fighting some asshole in the pub and they both get kicked out. He wanders these smaller streets buzzed and poking at forming bruises while he smokes a cigarette. He walks by a convenience store and two homeless men outside ask him for a cigarette, he shares and spends a solid amount of time socializing with them and gets some booze for his troubles. They eventually part ways when one of them come out from the bathroom with a pack of stolen cookies. The store attendant chases them away and Remus finds himself wandering down empty streets again. Eventually, Remus decides to sleep for a few hours curled up in a stairwell, he doesn’t quite sleep, but does relax. Again, in the sounds of small city life, yellowed flickering light bulbs, and humid wind, Remus wonders why he’s out here.

—

The flashing neon lights and bass heavy music resonate through Remus’s bones like electricity giving him a never ending feedback loop of energy. Just before the club closes Remus sweet-talks a kind of nerdy looking guy into taking him home, while he’s mostly just hoping to not sleep outside tonight, getting laid wont hurt either.

—

Sneaking out of someone’s house before they wake up isn’t something Remus is necessarily proud of, but he doesn’t want to risk them doing something cheesy like make him breakfast. Sorry sir, Remus is a Manic Pixie Nightmare Boy, do not catch feelings, do not use for your own character development. He laughs to himself a little walking down the morning rush streets.

—

After waking up in bed with a man he doesn’t remember meeting the night before is a little jarring, but this is not the first time. It makes him wonder briefly if something is wrong with him. Remus is tired. Exhausted with himself and getting a little tired of this much fun. Instead of finding a diner for breakfast he catches a bus home and asks Logan if they can hang out tomorrow. If anyone will force him to go home, go to practice, sleep and not give him a choice to study or not without expecting him to explain himself. It will be everyone’s favourite Large Nerd. Remus doesn’t know what’s happening or why he feels like this, but he needs to go home and stop this for a little bit.Virgil, D, and Logan will help him get things a little back on track.

[it-all-went-wrong]

I Told The Truth

Lottie: Oh shit, I’m so sorry! * I scurried to the small alcove, crouching down beside the now laughing man.  I was trying to hide my smile but the sound was infectious and he brushed me away with a shake of his head as he stood and sat back down on the bench in front of the piano.  He was really, really pretty and that was not anything I needed right now, not in the slightest.*  I’m still sorry.  I’m Charlotte Davis, my  Aunt said you needed a piano player for services but if you’re here, I have no clue why she said that.  You’re really, really good. *The paradise may have been a bit much, but it was honest at least; I wasn’t one to compliment musicians unless I had meant it, I’d seen far too much downfall from that in the past.*

Dec: * To say I had been thrown off my game was an understatement; I’d always been fairly unflappable, another great consequence of being the baby of six, but even I had my moments.  I declined the woman’s attempts at assistance with a laugh, more at myself than anything else, and fiddled with my scarf as I settled back down on the piano bench, my fingers trailing across the keys again*  We actually do, I can’t play during services.  *It was an understatement but felt accurate anyway.*  I’m Declan O’Connor, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Davis. Please sit, I’d love to hear you play if you don’t mind? *I wasn’t quite able to get up before she settled beside me, blowing out a long breath before running through a quick set of scales; I could smell the rain that was thundering outside of the windows as she warmed up, and my gaze bounced from her fingers on the keys to her face as she looked at the music open on the stand with a grimace.*  Not a fan of Amazing Grace?

Lottie: I think it’s pandering and overdone, but not the worst there is. * It had been a bit since I’d shared a bench with anyone, and I wasn’t going to complain in this instance, odd as it was.  The piano was old but well-tuned and meticulously cared for; whoever was in charge of the miniature here was very, very good.*  It’s Miss Davis, although my students do the same thing.  It’s Charlotte or Lottie, I’m good with either. *Running through the songs I knew by memory, settling on one that may have been the least appropriate for a church, humming under my breath.* 

Declan:  * Making a  mental note of the young woman’s preferred name, I was about to speak again when she started to play.  The song was familiar of course, it was something of a modern classic, although perhaps one that shouldn’t be played in a church. I think, when it came to music, He would be forgiving as long as the intent wasn’t to cause any malice. And really, she was a beautiful player so I couldn’t, and wouldn’t complain.  I could just barely hear her humming along under her breath, the words familiar after giving numerous covers and endless repetitions of the original. The slight hesitancy to sing had intrigued me and I  paused for the briefest of moments before I started singing along, keeping time with my heel.* It goes like this, the fourth the fifth, the minor fall, the major lift, the baffled king composing hallelujah….

Lottie:   *It took a lot to surprise me, it really did, especially when it came to singers but holy shit. Declan was good.  Like…really fucking good, like I’d been on Broadway with people who couldn’t sing like that good. I’d missed a few notes fawning like a goddamn idiot, and forced myself to focus, chiming in on the second verse.* Your faith was strong but you needed proof, you saw her bathing on the roof, her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you… * It was almost organic, in a strange sense, and I hadn’t found myself lost in music like that in a long, long time. It was easy, and almost weirdly instinctive, to harmonize as the song continued and when it finally came to the crescendo at the end, and the last note finally died off in the air, I stilled my hands and closed my eyes, ignoring the goosebumps that had popped up on my arms.  There were moments, for me anyway, where music, truly good, pure, HONEST music, played or sung for no other reason that the utter joy of it, was better than any high that I could have ever experienced; this moment, as the silence slowly fell in in old church smack in the middle of nowhere, Georgia, was one of them. Swallowing heavily, I gave a tiny laugh, opening my eyes and glancing at Declan.  The tips of his ears were read and it was endearing as all hell.* Well shit, Dec. You can play piano, sing LIKE THAT, and you’re pretty hot. That begs the question of what exactly are you doing HERE? 

Dec: *If I was a man who believed that God actually looked down on music, and even judged us on it, I might have held back but, he has created all of us in his image, and that includes musicians.  It had been a very long time since I had considered myself one, at this point, I was a Priest first, as it should be, but that love, the fact that I did have what I considered a gift from Him, wasn’t something that I was ever ashamed of, although I didn’t indulge in singing much outside of my car and mass.  It wasn’t until after the last note had died off, drifting and then disappearing into the vast expanse of the sanctuary, that I came back to myself, such as it was. Miss Davis’s words, and her blatant assessment that held something more than she said, had me shaking my head with a laugh as I realized she had absolutely no clue who I was but then again, I hadn’t exactly told her either. * Thank you, that’s very kind on all counts. And I’m here because it’s where I was sent. *Shifting slightly, I unwound my scarf to reveal the stiff collar at my throat.*  I go where I am needed, and Father Matthew, bless his soul, passed not long ago. Someone at the archdiocese in Boston knew someone here and well… *I trailed off with a shrug and glanced over at Miss Davis who looked a bit startled, her cheeks pink.* Sorry, I forgot about the scarf and just assume people know. 

Lottie: You’re a priest?  You’re a legit priest and I’m not being like… punked, right? *Running my hands through my tangled hair, I give a resigned laugh even as my face warmed as Declan- FATHER Declan- shook his head with a smile..* You’re a priest and I just told you that you're hot. It’s true, by the way, but oh my god. The day was going so well too. *I couldn't help but laugh, a longstanding nervous habit, and glanced at Father Declan out of the corner if my eye. He was smiling.*

Dec: I'm an actual priest, yes, you're not being punked, I assure you. And you did, which I'll take as a compliment, thank you. *I couldn't help but smile, despite myself; vanity and pride were not normally in my wheelhouse, but I was human and it was nice to hear, I couldn't deny that no matter how much I wanted to. I wouldn't lie, even to myself and so I changed the topic easily.* It can still be a good day, Miss Davis. I promise I won't hold it against you. Now that we've got all of that out of the way, we still need a pianist until Edna is able to recover from her injury. Would you be interested? We can't pay you, but I can promise all of the mediocre coffee and breakfast casserole you could want.*It was a genuine offer, and one that I could always make; there was a sense of community within my small congregation, and the after-service coffee and refreshments always brought a delightful spread, only some of it questionable, as well as whispers of gossip that I tried my best to tune out.* What do you say, Miss Davis? 

Lottie: Well, with an offer like that, how can I refuse? *I couldn't help but laugh, playing a brief snippet of a U2 song and earning a chuckle.* As long as you don't have a problem with an atheist sitting in on your service and there is cream and sugar for that coffee, you've got yourself a deal, Father. *The words were accompanied with an offered hand for a shake and it was granted with a grin.*

Dec: I'll even throw in some flavored creamer and a homily about Charlie Brown just for your heathen soul. *I didn't often get the opportunity to joke, many of the members of my church were older and held clergy in high and somber esteem, and so the easy conversation was more than slightly welcome. Sifting through the selection of sheet music, I pulled out the selection for tomorrow's services and handed them over. Outside the sound of the rain lightened against the windows just a bit, and I stole a glance past the stained glass.*  I don't want to take up too much of your day and it sounds like the storm is easing up a bit if you wanted to try and stay a bit drier. 

Lottie: *Accepting the music with a smile, I follow Father Declan's gaze and wrinkle my nose.* I think Im already in that mess, but Im sure you have important duties to finish before tomorrow. *Gathering up the music and tucking it under my coat, I give a smile.* I'm gonna hold you to that Charlie Brown, Father. *Giving a small wave, I head back down the aisle and out into the rain, flashing back to my car  as the skies opened once again, just as I closed the door. Cranking the stereo, I scrolled through Spotify unto Leonard Choen's voice filled the car, and I sang along the whole way home.* 

[survivenovascotia]

Episode 3 - AHHHHH -Heather

I hate Tiktok dances. Im not in shape enough for this but like 150 pts is 150 pts

So I come back from Oak Island and Kevin has been voted out. Excuse me but what? Kevin of all people. The dude was great in challenges and a loyal person. But apparently Sunshine and John said he’d be too controlling at a swap and possibly had an idol? What kind of lame ass excuse is that at the second tribal council? Darcy, Mac and Kyle were all in favour of keeping Kevin over Jessie. Which means that Sunshine, John and Dan have some kind of alliance going on there. I don’t imagine Jessie is really aligned with them and probably only worked with them to keep herself safe. I don’t blame her at all. However, we’re probably going to lose this next challenge (partly because of me throwing it oops) which isn’t the worst thing in the world. If Darcy, Mac, Kyle and myself all stick together, and none of us go to Oak Island (Kyle and myself can’t), the four of us would have the majority to vote out any of the other three who don’t go to Oak Island. And as of right now, I think John and Sunshine still feel like I’m on their side. So I’m a little bit in the middle right now. I’ve got my fingers crossed everyone else on the tribe can pull together a win but a whole ass person not submitting for this is definitely a huge disadvantage for us.

In my opinion, one of the most important things to be aware of while playing survivor is your threat level. You can't exactly be too big of a threat or else you'll get voted out, and you also can't be too little of a threat or else you'll just get taken to the end, or be seen as an easy vote. This is why the meat shield strategy is one of the best ways to play survivor; be a threat, but never the biggest threat. However, I'm not playing the meat shield strategy right now, because quite frankly I don't feel like I need to. I'm so under everyone's radar, that I don't see myself going home anytime soon. Also, since this is my first time playing, it's hard to get a read on who really is a meat shield and who isn't. However, I'll be sure to make big moves; just not too many to get targeted over anyone else.

IDK WHO IS SITTING OUT BUT SOMEONE WHO THOUGHT THEY WERE SITTING OUT AND I THOUGHT WAS SITTING OUT IS IN. IDK IF THERE IS TIME BUT I AM THE BIG ANXIOUS ABOUT THIS CHALLENGE NOW.

AHHHHH

Kevin going home was upsetting for me. Sunshine, Jessie, Dan and John are dead to me. I need to convince Keegan to join myself, Darcy and Kyle if any of us are gonna get anywhere in this game. I didn’t search for the idol yesterday because I was feeling sick and was upset with Kev leaving. I just don’t wanna go back to tribal. Otherwise I’ll be saying a few words at tribal.

I am very nervous for this challenge. Evan hasn't done anything so far , but if we lose, we need him as a number so we are stuck in a sticky situation. Livingston a while ago thought you only had to do a select few and I am worried because I don't want to lose  a challenge I worked so hard for just because people won't try. I hate having a for the tribe mentality because like I don't want to seem like a challenge threat but its more we have to work together and get as many points as humanly possible.

ok so this tribe turned into a literal mess. So i said i wanted to sit out of the challenge because i didn't have a lot of the items, and then i got ignored by like two members of the tribe which meant I was doing the challenge and evan and coco were sitting out. Honestly, I'm livid that I was ignored by people because that I take personally. I could care less about the challenge, even though I know i'd get like 6 points because i have papers and stuff to do. Luckily, we figured things out and evan is doing the challenge. If we win, awesome, but if we lose, I definitely have a couple people on my list. Luckily though, I'm in a 5 person alliance with Heather, Austin, Evan and Coco. That makes me feel safe at this specific time in the game, but I can't help but wonder who we will all vote for if we go to tribal tomorrow.

The dynamics right now are absolutely hilarious let’s breakdown: Heather: is currently having a panic attack bc this challenge is a mess & literally no one knows what they’re doing Eric: says ‘I’m not doing this’ then dips for like 20 hours. Evan & Coco are confirmed as sit outs, Eric gets mad at the hosts for some reason, & then forces himself to sit out. Evan: was confirmed as a sit out, dips for 20 hours because he thinks he’s not doing anything, comes back like ‘wait what’ & is hella salty Livingston: didn’t know that each person had to individually post everything Glo: is a angel her videos are killing me she is the comedic relief during these dark times. She also suggests we have one person go TWICE & have 3 sit outs LMAO Me: fucking cackling anytime anyone speaks in a passive aggressive tone We were supposed to be the tribe that loves each other now look what happened  

It honestly feels horrible not submitting a damn thing for a challenge because I am certain we’re going to lose because of it. But I don’t want to try my best in the challenge and have us still lose and then lose my vote at tribal. It’s just not worth it. On the plus side, even if we do lose the challenge Darcy, Kyle and Mac are all pretty down to blindside Sunshine for being snakey. So unless they change their mind right away and decide to axe me I should be in a good position.

My legs are sore and I made TIKTOKS to win by over 1000. Im..... I was gonna set a plan to get Livingston out but I mean I guess

We lost the challenge, surprise surprise. By a heck of a lot so I’m hella glad I accept the Oak Island challenge and didn’t submit for the challenge. It wouldn’t have even mattered. So we lose the challenge and shout our ho hums in tribe chat before it dies and everyone disperses to their quiet hidey holes to scheme against each other. And lo and behold Dan has immediately thrown my name out for not submitting in the challenge. Because I alone was the reason we lost. Whatever. Darcy is going under cover with Sunshine and Dan right now, Kyle is trying to act like a free agent and I’m sitting here twiddling my thumbs wondering why the minority of Sunshine, Dan and John aren’t approaching the one person who wasn’t at all involved in the Kevin tribal. They honestly aren’t that smart if they’re straight up ignoring the one impartial person. Whatever. I wouldn’t actually vote with them since they voted out Kevin who was fantastic and useful. (#RevengeForKevin). Also, since I completed my Oak Island challenge I now have an extra vote I can use up until the final 5! I shouldn’t have to use it this tribal, thankfully. It will probably come in handy during a swap!

Is this what its like to be on a successful tribe? So unused to this. This gives me time to think and bond more. I’m thinking my first instinct to be threatened by glo and aim for her was wrong, it might make more sense to get her onside and use her both as a shield but also as a scapegoat for targetting others? We’ll see. Still good with Heather and Austin as a core three, and Livingston and Chips would be a good pair to link with if needed. Hopefully if swap comes I’m with some of them.

I’m crying at the fact we killed at. Like all of us were actually scared of losing & arguing & causing chaos & it was all for nothing & it’s AMAZING Also glo is scaring me she’s getting clingy she’s like “you wouldn’t miss me if we swapped” and I’m like what she’s like “tehe I was JOKING silly 😜” and like. I’m sorry what. Maybe I’m overreacting but that type of language makes me v uncomfy. Ion know that really off put me I’m gonna take a break from socializing. I’m pretty sensitive to behavior like that so I feel like it’s healthy to distance

Birch and Tawni really sat there being like, yall won stop trying. I thought we were up for competition. Oh Well. I had fun!! We love scavenger hunts

Me, Kyle, Keegan and Darcy are a good 4. With Jessie going to Oak Island that leaves Sunshine, Dan and John vulnerable. Keegan shared to me that he won an Extra Vote at Oak Island, which he hasn’t shared with Kyle and (maybe) not Darcy. I’m worried because I feel like I’m the 4th and not the 1st. Kyle admitted Kevin was his closest ally. My idol hunt is going alright. Definitely progress made.

To Kyle, if you’re ever reading these one day. I take back everything I said. You are awesome.

Fuck losing every challenge so far that’s all I have to say

I’m not sure if I’m feeling sick because I’m just sick or it’s the stress from this vote. I don’t want to be out this early. I can’t be out this early. If Kyle, Darcy and Mac can be trusted then I’m definitely safe and John is going home. I think I can trust them. I hope I can trust them. Why are we playing so damn hard so early in this game? Everyone needs to chill out or we’ll end up like Matsing.

Going to tribal I feel safe but nervous about what will happen in the aftermath. My group of 4 are pretty chill and not budging. Bye John.

No Swap, Thank God!! I think im fairly decent at this type of challenge. I won an individual immunity in this challenge once but idk how ill do with a tribe.

Oh my god my alliance is now in control! Yeah boi. Sunshine being HELLA QUIET after John’s boot was spooky but, I mean, he can’t complain since he did the exact same thing last vote. My problem now is not being the 4th member of the alliance. I’m scared that people will see me as riding coattails. I mean controlling the idol hunt is a cute look.

Our tribe was on a roll and had won 2 challenges in a row. I was starting to get busy taking care of my crush, and because of this, I had to sit out. However, apparently two people stated they were sitting out before I did. But the thing is, I never knew that. So I decided to disconnect from skype for the day to be with the one I love. However, I turn on skype the next day, and I'm bombarded with messages telling me to do the challenge. This really overwhelmed me, but then I realized it was an opportunity. 

Glo realized how much of a sticky situation I was in, and she came to my help, and told me she would be with me until I finish it if she needs to. Ultimately I wouldn't have been able to finish the challenge if she hadn't helped me. She also played it up as if I stepped up for the team last second and made an impact. I still can't tell if she did this from the goodness of her heart, or if she did it for strategic reasons. But, I do think it was moreso strategic, because she did mention that after she helped me as much as she did, that we would have to be aligned. So because of that, her actions don't really mean as much to me as it should, and I will take out Glo if it's necessary and beneficial for my game.

[rogue-rook]

many many highlights from The Crystal Kingdom from a first-time TAZ listener

featuring some bits from the Lunar Interlude II: Internal Affairs

travis: “it was streaming on witch. that’s like magical twitch!”

SWEET ANGO HAS RETURNED!

i cannot believe griffin went to the EFFORT of making a fantasy costco jingle

the lockpicking garden gnome called the Nitpicker that insults the damn party is a beyond brilliant object for sale at the fantasy costco

I really want to lodge a complaint with the HR department of the bureau of balance on sweet angus macdonald’s behalf bc these grown men are FULL ON BULLYING THIS TEN YEAR OLD BOY GENIUS

so is this new shitty scientist consultant lucas a bigger annoyance than shitty train butler wizard jenkins or does jenkins still retain that title

travis: "anything this touches turns to crystal?" griffin: "yeah, pink tourmaline" travis: "yeah, I'm not gonna say that, because I'm an adult"

CAREY FANGBATTLE is like on par with Jess the Beheader in terms of Cool Names

griffin: “so the three of you are currently sitting in a gondola, which is another word for a little boat” travis, singing: “the more you knoooowww”

“so it’s made of crystal, right?” “yes, everything is crystal” x1000000

the crystal kingdom song is beautiful

griffin: “you see a sign that says The Magical World Of Elevators” justin: “griffin's really stickin it to the people who say he's not allowed to have elevators in this game”

today in failed brand marketing: “Upsy, your lifting friend”

this arc is ACTUALLY set up like a video game level puzzle, when griffin says “ah, you’ve solved my crystal puzzle” it will actually apply

clint: “I rolled a 4 but I get another roll...a 5″ travis: ���wow, you're really bad at dnd”

merle: “I'm gonna use Banishment on the cockroach” griffin: “okay, you're just gonna yell GET OUT OF HERE COCKROACH, I DONT LOVE YOU ANYMORE”

magnus is being fucking mean to lucas, the genius inventor, and he’s been a TOTAL DICK to sweet boy genius detective angus macdonald, and i feel like pointing out that he was WAYYY nicer to shitty evil wizard train butler jenkins who beheaded a guy with a teleportation door

griffin: “one of the signs is labeled Radiation Ventilation Maintenance Chamber, and the other is labeled Lil Genius BuddyBot R&D" travis: "I feel like this is a trick” clint: “I feel like griffin has been playing Fallout”

I LOVE HODGE PODGE THE LIL GENIUS BUDDYBOT!!! EVEN IF HE TURNS OUT TO BE EVIL, THE SOUND OF HIS VOICE MADE ME LOVE HIM PRETTY INSTANTLY AND NOTHING CAN CHANGE THAT

hodge podge: “magnus! merle! take-o” goddamnit griffin

justin: “can we just put the stone of far speech in front of the robit and griffin, you can just talk to yourself?”

hodge podge is exactly the kind of unsettling demon robit with a mostly-adorable voice, except for when he goes demon-y, that I expected from griffy

justin: “my character taako has innate skills in: investigation, nature, history, religion, arcana, and religion” so is he double good at religion then

taako: “okay, I got a question for you: who....do we work for?”

lucas: “hey, are you just mean to everyone?” THANK GOD SOMEONE VOICED THIS LEGITIMATE FUCKING CONCERN, THE GRUBBY GRIFTERS ARE MONSTERS

clint: “I look up what scrumbled means” griffin: “justin said that in a Monster Factory once and I’ve been using it like it’s a real word” justin: “I am the lewis carroll of my generation”

noel the friendly medic robit’s voice started at vaguely-angus like and then became straight up country southern and i really hope somebody calls griffin on it

i really think griffin introduced the nitpicker so he could have a way of introducing his own critiques of his dad and brothers’ dnd skills

the little compact mirror has some shit in it that i think must be important

there’s a rift in space and time and pink tourmaline is coming out of it and the damn song is super ominous and making me MEGA NERVOUS and honestly i don’t know what the flying goddamn fuck is happening but i am SO INTO IT

lucas: “you’re just yelling hugbears at me” magnus: “BUG! HEARS!” “what” “what”

so is lucas just like holding these poor bugbears in fucking slavery

the grubby grifters discover the tourmalined body of boyland and magnus asked if he can DESECRATE THE GODDAMN BODY OF HIS TRAGICALLY DECEASED COWORKER

griffin: “these two figures are just taking these ice robits to Fool School”

awww they’re gonna fight one of my favorite little creepy crawlies! human sized tardigrades that will absolutely fuck their shit up!!! so cute

griffin: “you’re so loosey-goosey with your possessions! ‘hi scuddle-buddy! bye scuddle-buddy! go get on that train to hell!’”

clint/merle’s immediate panic when they decide the only option here is to CHOP HIS GODDAMN ARM OFF

killian, after picking lucas up: “THIS HAS BEEN THE WORST SHITTIEST DAY EVER, WE ARE TWO PEOPLE DOWN, YOUR LAB SUCKS!!” #relatable, I feel u killian

during this arc the mcelboys keep talking about how they don’t remember shit from the beginning of the show bc that was two years ago and im like what? what? that was three days ago, friends!! its bc ive binged this shit in under a WEEK

merle basically has a plant fetish okay, that’s the only reason this soul-wood shit worked

griffin: “it actually curls up and gives you a thumbs up as if to say 'hey! I'm your arm now!’”

so like this planar system shit is probably important, right

this parseltongue motherfucker that’s like fucking haunting the grubby grifters needs to start explaining what their whole, like, DEAL is

this Red Robe dude is having a FREAKOUT over the damn umbrella and im like mmmmm maybe taako shouldn’t have just taken the damn umbrella, no questions asked

killian’s scanner is having a major freakout over a lich being present and im like, yeah, its the fucking umbrella, yall

oh, real quick, the mcelboys gotta pause the action to whine at each other about character voices

killian: “I am going to ABSOLUTELY murder that man” yeah, killian remains the most goddamn relatable npc in this fucking world

i sure hope The Adventure Zone Zone doesn’t have any super important info in it, bc im not gonna listen to the mcelboys talk about the maxfun drive from two fucking years ago

the crystal golem just called the grubby grifters bounties, and said it was time for noelle the friendly medic robit and the grubby grifters to all go back to the astral plane and im like WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? GRIFFIN! WHAT?

OH FUCK ITS BEEN KRAVITZ THIS WHOLE GODDAMN TIME!!!!! KRAVITZ!!!!!

griffin: “a D6 is like a dice-ass-dice! that's like some monopoly shit!!”

kravitz: “i don’t even know how that even worked, like with physics”

taako: “luke! use the fork!” merle: “the fork will be with you, always”

magnus: “I want to roll an investigation check on noelle...I rolled a 2″ griffin: “okay well you know noelle is a robot”

YALL!! SHITTY TRAIN BUTLER WIZARD JENKINS AND MAGIC BRIAN THE GERMAN MORON BOTH CAME BACK!!

magic brian the german dumbass: “i had an invitation to my wedding for you, and instead of RSVP-ing, you murdered me!”

travis: “when you say they evaporate, do they go back to heaven or hell or the after plane, or whatever, or are they GONE?” griffin: “it kinda seems like you obliterated their soul. kinda seems like you just kinda ERASED them” travis: “you know, at the end of day, I punch people, but dad unmakes their existence, who's the real monster?”

the fact that noelle died in phandolin when the grubby grifters and gundren rockseeker turned the whole town to glass is so goddamn fucking tragic, THANKS GRIFFIN!!!!

lucas miller: yet more proof that dickin around with science and magic and mad scientist shit is always gonna end badly for everyone

kravitz: “taako, you’ve died eight times”...[...]..”magnus, you’ve died 19 times”...[...]...”merle highchurch, the richest bounty i have ever hunted, you have died 57 times” WHAT?? WHAT? WHAT???? WHAT???? GRIFFIN!!??? WHAT????

THIS STORYLINE IS LIT

griffin: “a legion of ghosts” justin: “great”

i think both griffin and I have forgotten that carey fangbattle and killian are in this scene. also merle has had a soul-bond wood arm this whole time

the grubby grifters beat a goddamn LEGION of ghost robits, or ghrobits, and then kravitz slides back into the scene all like “uh, hey, assholes, thanks for saving me, I’ll make up some legal loophole bullshit to thank you” that’s not a direct quote, that’s me editorializing. i fucking love kravitz

taako: "they found new bodies, just because they're mechanical doesn't mean the life is any less valid - battlestar galactica"

oh fuck magnus got a cheating deck of cards in like episode goddamn THREE and he just whips em out in episode fucking 39 against kravitz

kravitz, massively misunderstanding the assholes he’s talking to: “the rules of nature are there for a reason, so lets just stop running afoul of them, as if this all just funsy-fun make-believe!”

magnus: “kravitz! tell julia I love her” TRAVIS!!!! TRAVIS MCELROY! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO MY HEART!!!

lucas: “you'll never see me again, but if you do, i'll be doing good, and please don't kill me instantly”

justin: “i give angus a thumbs down” motherfuckers

killian: “hell yes! I love this plan! me and carey, and a robot ghost with a gun arm! sounds like a plan!” magnus: “sounds like a spinoff!” killian: “that’s sounds like some torchwood shit!”

davenport the goddamn pokemon

on one hand, I’m really goddamn suspicious that the director isn’t actually destroying the relics but is collecting them for her own gain. but on the other hand, if this turns out to not be true, I will feel bad for suspecting her so hard

taako: “director, here’s the truth. what did you have for lunch on Dec 3 2015? you don’t remember right? that’s when you told us not to talk to the Red Robes. what’s I’m saying is WE FORGOT!”

YOOO THIS EPILOGUE PROPHECY IS SOOOOOOO COOOOOL GRIFFIN!!! WHAT IS THIS!!!! ITS SO GOOD!!!!!!

this was a wild wild wild wild ride and whatever griffin is doing with this story is LIT

[feelinsdumpster]

things i want to do in the coming decade

1 January 2020

1. now that the most hellish part of my student career is over and i’m given more time for myself, i want to read at least 3 books a month (with at least 1 classic every two) in 2020, and try read one more book every month in the coming years

2. write better reviews for the books i’ve read, and maybe post reading logs here

3. i want to reread some of my absolute favourite titles and finally put up my honest reviews for them. maybe i’ll post a shitpost here about how much i love em

4. i want to get over my fear of writing (and get over the trauma that resulted this) so that i can not only stop procrastinating for homework, but also start writing the shit i’ve always wanted to write

5. start carrying a tiny book around for when i have a random spontaneous idea, so that i can write them down. i tend to always have spontaneous ideas but i never remember them by the time i’m about to write them down so hopefully this will help

6. read or write as i commute instead of wallowing in sadness as i listen to music

7. post an essay here once every 2 weeks (or at least once a month) about issues i care about, and hopefully improve my writing along the way

8. wake up earlier and keep doing so consistently, like 7am or something, and not get fatigued over doing so

9. go on morning walks, heck, or even walk up the hill to campus if i have to, because your loser girl over here has been recommended to lose weight by 4 doctors over the last few years and it’s about time i tried

10. try lessen my shopping and stop being a victim of consumerism. 2019 (or at least the latter half) was probably the one year in which i spent a shitload of money on things that i did not necessarily need. it’s become a habit i cannot control where i buy things on impulse thinking ‘i need it’ or ‘it’ll be gone if i don’t get it’ when i know that is not true and i don’t need it and that the only reason i’m compelled to buy them is because i live in a very consumerism-centric society that also conveniently does not have sales tax, and live in a very image-based era where how you look online is big deal and you always ‘have’ to keep up with the trends when that’s bullshit and anyone that decides to unfriend you over such deserves to be out of your life because holy fuck is that toxic. 

11. try not only make more new friends, but also start talking again to some of my old friends/acquaintance. it could be because the old environment was gone, it could be because we’ve all matured a bit and grown up, but whereas i though it would be cringe as fuck to accidentally come across people i used to know, i was surprised to find it pretty pleasant and not as nasty as i’ve expected (this is probably because i have deep-set issues regarding how people perceive me but ye) and i think it would be nice to talk again and shit on our past lol. that, and making new friends, i need to stop giving people a singular vibe check and pussying out when i don’t like it. i want to try get to know new people more without bias and maybe gain friends instead of simply acquaintances

12. get over my stage fright and be more confident (this sorta bleeds into the next point)

13. learn to stop caring about what other people think. when you live in a society that greatly values the idea of ‘face’, this point can be really hard to do. but really, no one but yourself has any stake in what you’re doing right now or for the future, so you better do you sis

14. figure out what i want out of life and my university experience. tbh i spent a good portion of my life being pushed around by people, in hopes that i’d end up here or i’d end up there, i really never thought about what i really wanted. in 2019 i really focused on how i felt throughout with my growth and i started caring for myself more (which i honestly should have done long before because i am so emotionally unstable i don’t know how i’ve lasted this long actually). sadly enough, as i started caring more for myself, what everyone had hoped out of me were absolutely shattered. i didn’t score too well in my public exams because i didn’t want to push myself too hard; i ended up not getting into the much favoured first choice for a uni degree; and i ended up discovering that i want simplicity out of life: i don’t want to be a hero, i don’t want to be a leader, i just want to live happily and help people in tiny non-extravagant ways. this was much to everyone’s dismay lol. i also rekindled my fondness for literature and am pursuing a second major in english to the great disapproval of everyone else (i was a pretty good student at school and i did focus on science and math so this came as a shock to everyone, doesn’t help that i’m asian). but i really like what i’m doing right now. it’s more broad and i can sort of figure out what i want to do. but with that i also had this massive crisis where i didn’t know what the hell i was doing and i also didn’t want to be wasting my degree taking shit willy nilly and develop no interest or skills. so i really want to figure that out u kno

15. graduate at a healthier state mentally and physically (very easy to manipulate because, arguably speaking, i can either a) never have graduated, or b) never stop learning, and both seem wonderful to me lol)

16. stop avoiding my problems and using them as a comedic crux; actually solve them and my longheld issues; maybe actually try going to therapy or counselling

17. learn to let go of the people who have wronged me and learn to accept that i’ve made mistakes that may have greatly altered my life but should nevertheless be accepted as something that has happened and cannot be changed

18. learn to stop falling for toxic or unavailable people. self-explanatory. touche

19. learn to be kinder to myself. i don’t know how 2019 was for you, but it’s probably been one of the years where i’ve been the unhappiest i could ever be. whereas in the first half i was stressed beyond my wits and over-obsessed with some random public exam that really has no right in defining my future and self-worth, though it did (which is so shitty and stupid to begin with). in the second half, now that that fiasco was out of my head, i’ve sort of come face to face with how self-destructive my habits and attitude towards a lot of things are. you could probably tell from the shit i wrote before this point but positive self-image is not my forte, and i have essentially no idea what i’m doing or want out of life. arguably speaking, i’ve had a lot of people tell me or hint that i’m inadequate in many ways (be it because of how the education system is here, or my own complicated background), so i rarely ever hear compliments about myself or my work (or maybe i just suck in general idk). university has happened for a few months now and it’s been a bit jarring having adults tell me that i’m doing ok, or that they understand my background, or that i shouldn’t be doubting myself so much because i’m like ‘what the fuck that’s all i’ve been told to do?’. i guess it’s understandable why it’s important to know where you lack so as you can improve or like assimilate in society better (which i highly disagree with but i digress), but like holy fuckin hell did anyone ever think about how damaging that would be to a child’s self-esteem? maybe you won’t relate because you’re emotionally strong, or had a good upbringing, or didn’t lack all that much or you were a very normal kid, but if you wanted to know what it was like for someone who didn’t really have, or was, any of that: it sucked major ass, and it’s greatly affected how i ended up as an adult. i’m constantly anxious over nothing, and i have random fits of just gut-wrenching sadness, and god is it getting in the way of my daily life. now that i am doing ‘fine’ at school, i’m sole source of all negative criticism to compensate for the jarring lack thereof, and i’m terribly confused as to what people want out of me, as if that should even matter heck. never in my life did i ever let myself think that everything was going to be fine. never in my life did i ever let myself think i was adequate for whatever it was i was doing or wherever the hell i ended up. i realise i’ve spent nearly two decades of my life never cutting myself some slack even though the fact that i’ve made it this far and well and healthy, is to a large extent, completely on me and that i should be happy with myself. it’s about time i tried rebuilding my self-image and it’s about time i stopped giving myself ass when i don’t deserve it. and it sort of pisses me off that it takes a completely different environment for this to finally be clear to me and it’s baffling that i was once in such a toxic environment outside and within myself. i still am working to be kinder to myself; and the environment outside is still greatly toxic, but it is how it is and oh boy is that depressing. part of me still wished somebody taught me to be nicer to myself; part of me still wished the world would have been nicer to me; so here i am today, trying to fill the gap that was left by lack thereofs of the two

learning to be kinder to yourself is never really an easy task, especially if you’re already balls deep in being a dick to everything that you are. i’m sure it’ll take more than a decade, but i hope that the earlier i start, the better it’ll be for myself :)

20. be at a point where i’m genuinely happier with myself. i highly doubt any of you made it this far but if you have, i wish for you too: that in the coming decade, you’ll be at a point where you’re genuinely happier with yourself

extra:

21. FINALLY SUCC SOME DICK ITS ABOUT TIME IM NO LONGER SINGLE WHAT THE FU-

[marvuelousmrmaisel-blog]

Big Mistake

Right, look I was in a relationship for the better part of 4 years and by the end if we are being honest by the end we were just kinda together because we were. We were not making each other happy and we were far away from the best versions of ourselves. So when we broke up about a year ago it was without a doubt for the best.

I handled it in a very healthy way and threw myself into my exams and almost ruined my mental health and then threw myself into work and worked 60+ hour weeks for the majority of summer. So when I let myself realise that I had a crush on a co worker (and had done for months) I was so happy, and when we eventually ended up together after the usual amount of romcom classic nonsense it was incredible. I never thought id be able to spend basically every second of every day with someone and still never be sick of seeing them but that's where I found myself and I was loving every second of it. It was amazing to have someone who you can just talk about anything with, moaning about work they get it coz they are living it, but we love so many of the same things and some of my favourite days were just the ones spent sat on the sofa watching rubbish tv all day.

So yeah it’s all going great but you remember when I said about my mental health and how I almost ruined it, well turns out if you don’t try and fix it it will come back at the worst possible time and fuck everything up. So yeah.....that’s what happened. I am rubbish at talking about my feelings and how I'm doing, in a relationship I always take on the more caring role trying to make sure the other is ok no matter what the toll is to me. Im not saying this in an attempt to be like “ooh aren’t I great” im saying this to show that that is not healthy in a relationship, especially one where I felt as loved as I did. 

We started dating around October and it was amazing, we even spent Christmas with my family and they all loved her because of course they did because she is great! Then we came back and I started getting ready for my third year exams at uni which as you can imagine were very stressful, which combined with the whole not talking about how im feeling thing ended about as well as you imagine it did. We went to spend time with my family again around February and I could tell something was different, not that the way we felt about each other was different but that the way I felt (in myself) was different. Looking back I absolutely took it out on her, all I wanted was to talk to this person that I trusted more than anyone I'd ever known but for some fucked up reason in my own head I couldn’t and I hated myself for it. 

Not long after we got back we broke up. Not because I wanted to but because I wanted to but because I love her too much to bring her down with me. 

Now that was as mistake undoubtably, I still loved her when we broke up and I still love her now. But my biggest mistake by far is what I did next.

After we broke up I was in a pretty bleak place, suddenly single again, more than 200 miles from my family, safe to say I was craving company and intimacy. That’s when I got a drunk call one evening from my ex (the one id been with for about four years). Then just like that after telling this person that I love that I want;t ready to be in a relationship (yes I lied of course I lied) I was back in a relationship. The way that I treated Velma  in the next few months in unacceptable and I can only apologise to her. So yeah of course this ended about as well as can be expected, about three weeks ago. The main reason beyond the fact we shouldn't have been together to begin with was that I was clearly not over Velma in any way, and I am still not.

Velma is currently away visiting family and MY GOD I MISS HER SO MUCH, I miss getting to talk to her about anything (after we broke up we were able to stay really good friends because SHE IS A GREAT PERSON), I miss seeing her and the way I feel when I do.Whenever we message just to chat about nonsense it is the highlight of my day and makes me smile so hard my cheeks hurt. I know that I have blown my chance here but I just want her to know that I love her and I am so sorry for ever hurting and if for god knows what reason she was able to give me another chance I will spend the rest of my life trying to show her how much she truly means to me 

So that's the story I am sat on my bed ping over her and wishing I had the courage to say this to her face

P.S. yes I chose Velma because I have a thing for Velma from scooby doo, who doesn’t?!

[survivorelara]

Episode #14: “IDK WHAT TO DO W MY IDOL IF SAM GOES ILL CRY FOR LIKE 3 YEARS BUT I WANT TO BE SAFE ;(” - Loris

HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it's the fricking final  FIVE!!!!!!!! i feel like an icon,,, right ok so. tea lately? im winning... like look at everyone in the final 5 rn,,, if we go back to final 8 or 9 or sumn,,, out of us who would u say would be in the final 3... me bitch duh. anyways like.. i got to play mi legacy screeeeeeeee!! AND I still have my idol and if u think im playing that on anyone else lol!! i probably will dont quote me. anyways tea final four sooooooooooooooooon. woop woop. sam has me convinced it's a final two and the winner of fic gets to remove a juror. THAT'S CUTE. i'd love to go to the end with sam i love sam. umm.. like im pretty sure id beat him the jury hates him?? they hate me?? but him morE?? i also played GOOD. doot doot! boop boop

Well, I made it to F5, and this is where things really start falling into place, if my plans are proper, I shouldn't run into any issues. Though I WOULD like to win this challenge if only because I wanna be the one with the most challenge wins at the end, just as an additional notch on my belt.

HOWEVER, I can't seem to get this damn challenge right because of how much I suck. I keep fucking it up, over and over, and it SUCKS. Especially since I keep fucking up sooner and sooner every time.

Hopefully I can get my shit together, things should go fine though so long as Roxy doesn't win immunity, or Sam for that matter since I think Ci'ere and Roxy could try to pull a fast one given how obvious it is that Loris has the idol.

Anyway, here's to it all working out somehow.

Well I won immunity, which is a good thing and the most ideal for me, as it's another challenge under my belt, and it guarantees I make F4.

Currently I'm having a hard time seeing this vote not go my way, Sam and I are both voting Roxy, and presumably Loris is too, and that's majority right there. Funnily enough Roxy was trying to get Sam to flip on me in a F4 scenario or something, which was interesting, but if anything I just feel more justified in voting her out add in that whole tie vote fiasco, and I'm ready to send her home. (I love her to death though, she's such a sweetheart, and I do feel bad voting her out, but I have my own game to think about.)

Ideally Ci'ere will end up voting out Roxy as well, and at F4 I've got two F3 deals and I think I've got reasonable odds in both. Knowing that Loris had two advantages, and just how people seem to think he's this giant threat, I feel almost that I HAVE to vote him out at F4 if the opportunity is there. I think his game is flawed, but it'll all come down to perception, and he's perceived as someone who'll win against anyone.

Alternatively Ci'ere has had a more independent game, though I think I have a stronger case than his, but I could be wrong, maybe the jury will like him more, I can't really say.

Above all else despite all my plans, I'm happy I won this challenge, and I hope I get to FTC as that's all I've ever wanted and this'll be the first time I will have done it.

https://youtu.be/hd8d17Uos6k

Sigh...

So Sam got a brilliant plan together, that could potentially take Loris out. But then Ci'ere told me he wants a F3 of him me and Roxy, which I'm not a fan of. I'd much rather just drag my goat to the end, and drive things my way.

We'll see how things go, I'm not a huge fan of this plan, but I might go along with it just because it seems fun. Regardless though this plan requires Sam to vote Loris, as I will 100% be voting Roxy. If Loris idols himself, I voted Roxy, and I didn't necessarily break blood with Loris. If Loris idols Sam, then Loris goes, and I didn't vote against him, and can hopefully pull for his vote.

So I'm still trying to bend this situation to my favor. Though I'm more in favor of just dueling Loris at F4 since that's what I was expecting. I could honestly just tell Loris to idol himself to force this vote a particular way, but honestly I think I'm in a situation that honestly it doesn't matter who's at the end so long as one of Loris or Roxy go home now, since I'll likely have to win immunity to make it to F3 anyway.

I WANT TO DIE OK SO CIEREMESSAGED ME SAYING SOMETHING LIKE WE NEED TO MAKE LORIS THINK ITS YOU AND NOW APPARENTLY KORI WANTS ME OUT At final 4 GIRL IK NOT SURPRISED ... IDK WHAT TO DO W MY IDOL IF SAM GOES ILL CRY FOR LIKE 3 YEARS BUT I WANT TO BE SAFE ;(

ok.... I don't even know how to start confessing this round. really mad I fucked up and didn't win immunity cause that would've made this vote SO much less tricky. but alas, kori is immune, and guess what, loris has the idol. as we all are aware of now. these are the 2 people I DONT want in the f3 with me, because they both can beat me, whereas I feel I can beat the other two, so that had me thinking. does this mean one of my ideal f3 will have to leave, meaning I'll lose the game?

then it hit me, the most fucked up plan I could think of. loris has been my RIDE or DIE the entire merge phase of this game. words cant even describe how much I adore the kid, but like I said if he makes it to the end of this game, he wins the whole thing. that's how well I feel he's done. definitely enough to beat me. I know loris, and he isn't a dummy. i know that if he felt he had too, he would play his idol on me, because he's aware that if I ended up leaving this round, he'd be alone at f4 with everyone else wanting him out. so I started to wonder, what if I could make him play his idol on me, then vote him out…

so I got to work. I approached both ciere and roxy first and told them that one of us 3 is going because kori is immune and loris has the idol. and if that were the case, then the other 2 left in the game couldn't win because either loris or kori would take the cake if they are both in the f4. I had to convince them that us 3 making the f4 is best for all of our games. I told them to go to loris and start completely gutting me to him, convince him that everyone else is voting me. telling loris that they feel he's too selfish to not use the idol on himself. once word got to him and he came to me about it, I immediately started saying well great man its been fun love ya dude... but I wish you the best of luck at f4 since without me youll be alone. basically hinting at him to use the idol on me

then there is kori… he needs to go next, there's no question about it. but I had to try and convince him that voting loris out now while he has the chance is in his best interest, and that we've been a f2 this whole game and if worse comes to worse I would vote with him at f4. claiming that if loris makes it, kori will be the bigger threat. I started to leak false alliances to him, to try and get him to feel some type of way that im the only one he can trust, and that me staying this round and loris leaving is our best chance at both making it to ftc, because he wants to go with me since clearly he would win against me... that's how I convinced him to hop on my insane, wild, stupid plan to tell loris im the one leaving so he can play his idol on me. then another emma happens and he goes this vote…

If this plan works out, it will be absolutely brilliant, but also hands down the most brutal thing ive done in any org I've played, hence why I'm so frenetic. I can't say this enough but ill say it once, loris does NOT DESERVE THIS AT ALL. not at all. He has been one of my absolute favorite allies ive ever had in an org, and I couldn't be happier to have met him. What I'm doing to him this vote is honestly so brutal I can't even explain how brutal it is. But I came here to win. That's why I play orgs, is to go as far as I absolutely can. And if loris makes it to f4, I don't win. Period. My best shot at winning this game is going f3 with ciere and Roxy, and all im doing is trying my best to ensure that happens so i have the best shot at winning this game. Sure this could blow up in my face and get me voted out instead, but I feel and hope ive done a pretty good job at explaining and convincing how one of those 2 will win this game if they both make f4 and that ciere and Roxy stand a way better chance against me. Here goes nothing, I came to play hard and take risks, so heres one of the biggest risks yet. I'm so so so sorry loris, I just, fucking love you god I hate orgs Why do I put myself through these.

Random thoughts featuring me, Ci’ere!: I think this plan worked a lil too well I convinced Loris to vote out Sam and not use the idol on him but if I can't vote out Loris or Kori Sam is the next best thing and a move for myself sam loris and kori have a final 3 sam told Loris about our final 3 with Kori Kori tells me that Loris has an idol and Sam also tells me that he has one moments later but Loris was planning to vote for Roxy Loris plans to vote to Roxy because he thinks that this plan to get Loris to play an idol on Sam is impossible Sam comes up with a brilliant plan to get Loris to play his idol on Sam which would need convincing by me Loris has no relationship with Roxy and Kori is trying to be this saint and doesn't wanna be in on it Roxy was originally trying to vote for me in the event that Loris played the idol on himself everyone feels closest to Sam: Loris, Kori, Roxy and maybe even me even if I don't want to be taking out Sam would be a move that I could call my own I went off on Kori because he's acting like he's superior for winning immunity and that he'll win the next one too. I'm gonna do everything in my power to prevent that from happening. I also went off on Roxy because she acted fake and sent me hearts that she was down to vote for Loris when she was already told that he had an idol I was very hangry... I had a very long talk with Loris and I was trying to convince him that I would vote for Sam. I believe it worked, but it worked just a little too well because Loris wants to now vote for Sam as well ASDFG I also accidentally slipped and told Loris "we need Loris to believe that it's you" or something of the sort. Luckily, I saved myself by scapegoating Kori and telling Loris that I acted on Kori's delusions that I would vote out Loris in a f4 situation if we were to take out Sam. This means promising Loris that I'm taking him to the end and whew gurl between Kori and Loris I'm not even sure what I'd do but Loris has played better I believe Sam tried turning all of us on each other while he'd be the middleman and have a clear shot at making it to the end with a great story. Which means Sam's relationship with Loris isn't as strong as Sammy thot ASDF Okay nvm Sam just got confirmation that Loris is idoling him OMG THIS WORKED??? I'M SHAKING Sam might've came up with the plan, but I put it into motion and convinced Loris that we were all gunning for Sam & I also got Kori to tell Loris that he was voting Sam. I spooked Loris into voting me... I'd say my acting skillz were on point for this one hehe If Loris happens to end up idoling himself and voting for me or he in fact does vote for Sam, I need a safety net and I need to make sure the next best thing is sent home. So I’m going to be voting for Sam as a precautionary measure because sis ain’t going nowhere okcurrrr.

Loris is voted out 3-1-1*

[survivorkvaloya]

Episode #7: “This Is What I Get For Putting My Trust In Cute Boys” - Colin

Me: I'm gonna teach my student not to be like me! They're not gonna be first boot or the last boot before merge... 

Lauren: *Gets voted out one round before the merge* 

Me: K....

 In conclusion I flopped as a mentor! But this isn't entirely bad, hopefully I can find something at reflection island that can help and I'm also beating my ugly Sri Lanka placement by being there so :) As of right now I feel confident in where I am. I have the girl alliance of me, QuilLynn, Willow and Lily and then I feel pretty confident with Jackson and Ryan, and then I think I can make something work with Colin so we'll see! I'm just so happy to have made merge oh my gosh.

Lauren's gone! The vote was 2 - 3. I have Jackson and Colin believing that I voted with them, when really I changed my vote last minute so that they'd think big tuna flipped. I want them to trust me more than her, so labelling her as untrustworthy oughtta do it. I didn't wanna break ties completely with the girls on the other side if they saw a unanimous vote against Lauren. Damage control time ladies!

ok... so last tribal.... I got 2 votes.... when it should have been unanimous. I know it was either Chelsea or Danielle who voted me, and honestly??? Whoever did, props to them bc it created so much paranoia and distrust among the tribe and now at merge. They were prob thinking ahead and it makes sense looking back now. My gut is telling me Danielle wouldn't risk something like that but whomst knows. Also I just inherently don't trust Chelsea bc she seems shady. anYWAY. WE MADE MERGE WOOOO! IM LITERALLY... SO HAPPY. I honestly didn't think I'd be able to make merge in a main season,  I flop in high stakes games, but I'm doing that! I made it!!! It's wayyy more tense and strategic at this point in the game but it's exciting!! 

 SOME MERGE FUN FACTS FOR YALL: 

~There are 4 student/mentor pairs left in the game (Nicholas/Danielle, Ryan/Jackson, Willow/QuilLynn, and Chelsea/Gage) 

~I am the only person still in the game currently to have multiple votes cast against them over the course of the season 

~From the dissolved tribes (using this bc that's the tribe period that probably has the most tribe loyalty since we were on these tribes the longest), there are 7 OG NuKaldfjorden, and 6 OG NuErsfjorden 

~There are 8 students and 5 mentors remaining 

~And finally, the percentage of fake hoes remaining in this game is at 100%.

Well. Losing Lauren wasn't the best....I never like my alliances splitting up. But I'm my really sure if I could have done anything to save her. I really do wish she was here tho and would have made merge. I think willow QuilLynn Christine and I can still be a good group. And honestly knowing that we want to be top 4 together is real helpful. Most people are saying jack but I think Danielle is the smart move. I've got gage Chelsea and Colin for sure. And QuilLynn is down so it's just on convincing willow that it's the best play. I know she is probably nervous because there aren't a lot of mentors. But Danielle must have a lot of advantages. We need to blindside her and she wouldn't see it coming I don't think. We will see what happens! 

I heard the vote is gonna be between me and Danielle, so I'm probably out, but the choice is obvious.

So.... I think I'm starting to get fucked in this game for really no reason that I can see. Andreas went home, which i wasn't crazy happy with but things happen. We lost yet again and Lauren was the easy vote there, seeming to be the case and her leaving wouldn't cause any drama. Well the vote turns out to be 3-2, 2 being for Colin and I'm sugar shocked. I couldn't believe that. Then, Chelsea has the audacity to pin it on me? Sister, you must not know who you are dealing with. She plays this game like she's a fucking god well guess what? You aren't. Her and Jackson are running this game and it's fucking aggravating to watch. Ryan doesn't want to do anything about it because Jackson is his student but like... being in this game with them running it is getting to be really annoying. Are we handing them the game here? Now Jack is going to be leaving and that's someone else that I could have worked with, my game is slowly starting to dwindle because I'm playing with Ryan. He can't make a move against them but I'm starting to not have any allies but him lolllllll. Oh well. 

so the target is danielle now instead of jack. i'm happy with seeing her leave. I also want ryan and a few other mentors gone, I'm a lil worried they might be able to take control. also drewbert is my new fav host.

Hi I'm Jackson and this is my fifth confessional. Things have gotten pretty crazy. They always say the merge tribal is a shitshow, but for some reason I thought it'd be easier. The general consensus seemed to be that people wanted Jack out - after all, JD is on exile, and she's the only person as suspicious (and as close) to him. Which just leaves him. But Lily is itching to make a big move, and so, apparently, is Gage. They're pushing for Danielle to be voted out, which surprises me coming from Gage - the mentors shouldn't be so quick to target each other considering their numbers disadvantage! But either way, I wouldn't hate to see Danielle go. She probably has at least one idol piece, and the fact that last tribal was a 3-2 vote for Lauren instead of a 4-1 makes me nervous that I shouldn't completely trust her. I think she's a desperate player who will say anything to anyone. While I'm here, let's talk about that 3-2 vote. Colin knows I didn't vote for him because I had told him and Chelsea that my voting confessional was going to be a hiss, and it was. Colin didn't self vote, so that leaves just Chelsea and Danielle. I can see motives for both of them to flip. Chelsea might've saw me getting close to Danielle and wanted to split us up by creating distrust, thus her vote for Colin. I think Colin believes this is the truth, and honestly, I can't really blame him. Chelsea did make sure to mention several times that Danielle's vote makes her less trustworthy. Still, one could make a strong case for the stray vote being Danielle's. She's just a shady player in general and she might've wanted me to distance myself from Chelsea too. I'm going to assume that this version is the truth, because it's not like I can avoid allying with Chelsea at this point anyway. I'm going to carry on like we're still close (because we are). So anyway, Chelsea's on board to go with Lily and Gage, so that makes three. They think they have Colin, Willow and Quillynn's votes in the bag, which makes six, and that's majority since two people are on exile. But I'm not totally sure Colin's on board. I guess they could go to Jack if he's having cold feet. I'm obviously in the know about this plan, but I'm apprehensive because of Ryan. He's said multiple times he wants to work with Danielle, and I'm not sure I want to go against my mentor yet. I don't want to rat the Chelsea/Lily gang out to Danielle either, so I think I'm just going to vote for Jack and keep my trap shut, crossing my fingers that Danielle gets the boot. Everyone seemed to be pretty understanding and I don't think it'll hurt my place in the game. Let's just hope Colin doesn't get too set on Jack getting voted out.

tonights vote is going to be wild. It looks like its going to be between jack or danielle and honestly Jack's "minority het" ass annoys the absolute fuck out of me so I want him to go, but Tuna is a bigger threat and has closer ties. I'm hoping the Danielle blindside get pulled off and that Ryan wont hate me after, but we'll see. If it does then wow, maybe choose some better mentors next time? 

okay what the fuck. The eclipse happens and everyone goes fucking insane. This is some voodoo pagan astrology shit. ahhhh i'm crying. Last night the vote seemed so easy. Jack is an easy target. No one is close to him. He's straight. Adios! But then Chelsea and Gage step the fuck up and wanna be messy! Gage is apparently hella anti-Danielle for whatever reason??? Chelsea is still trying to pin the blame of the hinky vote against me on her so I'm really suspicious. I trust Danielle a lot. I don't want anything to happen to her. Now apparently I'm a swing vote. Everything is coming down to me murdering Danielle. Lily and Gage concocted the plan and are gathering the numbers and they want it to be a blindside but bitch!! not on my watch!! Danielle ain't goin nowhere!! I will deadass idol her if I have to. Gage and I rarely talk and I ain't gonna be like Chelsea and Lily and play into his plans. The! Straight! Is! Leaving! Or Gage is leaving. Either would be great for my game. I don't know what Jackson is planning but he seems to still trust Chelsea but I..... do not. At all. I think blindsiding Gage when he thinks he's gonna be blindsided would be really fun. So I might do that. But also that would draw a lot of attention to me and I'd face a lot of backlash. Ughhh I just really really don't want Jack to go. But it seems like Chelsea and Lily are deadset on it. Quillynn and Willow seem on the fence but they're ultimately not gonna turn on the majority. ANYWAY! My plan. I'm gonna vote Danielle bc the majority expects me to. I'm giving my idol pieces to Ryan since I know he has one. If Danielle actually shows up before tribal and on time she's gonna get idoled and saved and Gage will be blindsided by Nicholas, Danielle, and Ryan. I will have an in with them, Jackson won't be bitter bc I did tell him of that plan, I just didn't tell him I'm actually doint it. If Danielle doesn't show up, she's leaving, and Ryan better give me my idol pieces back >: ( Anyway! if all goes well! Adios Gage!

I'm seriously about to be targeted because I've won a game this is so fucking stupid seriously find a better reason to target me before your ass gets voted out.

A lot has happened. Everyone wants to work with me but not with Danielle and now since I'm associated with the pop princess herself I could be in trouble. The day started with Jack going. But it felt too easy. I talked to Willow who is my 2nd closest ally next to Danielle. She didn't tell me. While I was on call with her Colin PM'd me cause I messaged him when I woke up. He told me of the plan about everyone voting Danielle. And I tell Willow this! Next thing I know he's like "yeah don't trust Willow and Quillyn" and I'm like... yikearoonies. Cause I literally had just told Willow. ANYWAY. Willow say's she won't say anything, she apologized for not telling me during our HOUR long call. She says that it's true. Colin then proceeds to give me two idol pieces to play on Danielle because I told him I have 1 idol piece (in reality I already have 3 and now technically have 5) And to play it on her. However, he's still gonna vote Danielle to save face. Now Danielle, Nicholas and I are the only 3 who have to vote for Gage. Gage because Colin wants him out. I'd rather vote out Chelsea but I want to save face with Colin if everyone is truly gonna try to murder us. My only FUCKING worry is that they split the votes between Dani and I. Because Nicholas has individual immunity. I'd be idoling myself out. I'm gonna try to get Willow to vote with us, incase the vote goes 4-4-4. I don't think they'd vote for me but I gotta be careful.

Okay so first this round we get the flag challenge and have I ever mentioned how much I hate the fucking flag challenge?? Anyway I somehow managed to score even lower then I did on an unfinished flag I made in Solomon which is pretty sad. Also this vote is crazy??? its going in like every direction. I mean that typically happens first vote of merge but omg. Anyway so originally everyone was cool to vote out Jack bc he's utr or whatever. But then Lily suggested we actually vote out Danielle and I was okay whatever. But then apparently Danielle and Chelsea have beef from earlier with the Lauren vote bc they all said they would vote out Lauren but then they weren't sure who the other vote for Colin was, and apparently they don't like each other now or whatever. So anyway Ryan calls me bc hes worried about the Danielle and Chelsea rivalry and he says Danielle is getting worried and he's getting worried and stuff and then of course I'm a dumbass and lie straight to his face about how Danielle isn't getting any votes. And we were talking about how we would prefer it to not be Jack, and he throws around the idea of actually voting out Chelsea bc she's made a lot of deals with people, and I fake agree to it. And then he tells me something he's never told anyone in the game and that's that he got the Into the Box idol piece for the mentors, and so he actually has 2 idol pieces and not 1. So then I tell him about how I played a side with Colin and that hes really good at Into the Box but that I could be wrong about him having the student piece. And I haven't told anyone about the idol piece bc I like Ryan a lot and I want him  to trust me even though hes not going to after this vote :( So earlier on in the day Lily decided to tell Colin about how we were planning on blindsiding Danielle, and then Colin decides to be a rat and tell everyone, so then Ryan tells me, and of course my immediate reaction is to tell my whole entire alliance chat about what's happening. Ryan tells me they're planning on idoling Danielle and planning on blindsiding Gage bc apparently hes trying to make deals with everyone?? which he isnt really but whatever lol. So when I tell my alliance chat this they all start freaking out but then I decided we need to switch our votes to Colin since he ratted and since they're playing an idol on Danielle. But I tell Ryan that we're still all voting for Danielle. But then he comes to me paranoid and says I should vote Gage bc hes worried they're splitting. and I'm like okay I'm cool with that. But omg I feel so bad bc I really like Ryan and I want to continue to work with me but hes really not gonna trust me after this vote fuck. Like it'll be good for them to waste an idol and for it to be Colin going home since he's the rat but I just feel so bad for lying to Ryan especially when he's trusted me the whole time and told me stuff he hasn't told anyone else in the game. Anyways I think I forgot some stuff but so much has been happening and there's so much to talk about idk how to get it all out into one confessional. 

[9:28 PM] Ry[an] Matthew ⚅⚅⚅: <<< thank you so much. i would be fine if lily didn't throw that idea out to danielle but it's to hard to not be able to talk to anyone but you cause everyone else is lying to my faceRy[an] Matthew ⚅⚅⚅, Today 9:28 PM omg I feel so bad bc I'm doing that exact thing of lying to his face but I think it'll be better for my game to stick with the plan and have them waste an idol and blindside Colin. 

*Colin Is Voted Out*

i fucked up that vote because of when colin was telling me of the plan i was calling and talking to willow and i told her everything before i knew she was a SNAKE. willow is a SNAKE!! SNAKE!! like she was literally my 2nd closest ally. someone i used to want out (nicholas) is now my 3rd best ally. christine #2. danielle #1. jackson admitted to knowing about the danielle vote but not the colin vote and said he was the jack vote. i wanna commit soup of side

chelsea is fucking crazy. she's telling me that i shouldn't associate myself with danielle. she's telling me nicholas is a snake. she's trying to say no one lied to us about the vote. she's saying that jackson didn't lie cause he voted for jack even though HE LITERALLY KNEW ABOUT THE DANIELLE VOTE AND ADMITETD IT TO ME. chelsea is fucking crazy

Okay so we definitely have us 6 strong? hopefully? but then after voting out Colin he had already lost his mentor Brett so that leaves 12 of us in the game now, which is where it gets a little complicated. Bc I'm not sure where JD and Christine stand. Like Christine is in an alliance with us but they could both easily flip and then it would be tied? bc even though Christine has an alliance with us she is also very close with Ryan. 

Me before tonight: Has been enjoying the past few days in bliss with JD and my brand new fancy shmancy vote steal Me after tonight: Is currently in absolute hell I mean. COLIN!?!?!?!?!?! WHAT THE HECK. Literally at the start of merge it was literally so simple just to get Jack out. Im literally calling this right now, Jack is going to the end because people are too focused on getting out big targets. Ryan let me know what happened and how Willow ratted him out which stinks cause I liked Willow. I also learned I was apparently target the week Brett went home. So that's nice to know :) I don't trust the alliance I'm in with Lily, QuilLynn and Willow at this point. Willow's apparently a snake, Lily is waaaaay too focused on making big moves and QuilLynn? She is literally controlling this game. Literally everyone that I wanted to work with at the beginning of this game is gone. My ideal group of Brett, Lauren and Colin died immediately and then Connor left me too. I'm just so bummed cause I don't get a genuine connection from really any of these people. Like I'll try to talk to someone like Chelsea and it just goes....absolutely nowhere. The only people I feel like I can work with are Ryan, Jackson and....well myself. I like Danielle cause she keeps things real but she's also causing too many fights for me to attach myself with. With that being said, I think I'm in an ok position but not a great one. I wanna keep the pattern of students leaving right now and I'm keeping my legacy advantage a secret but I told Ryan about my vote steal and in return he told me he had two idol pieces so essentially we have an idol. So yeah, as long as Ryan doesn't get blindsided anytime soon that's a thing. Also this challenge is gross and the fact I was apparently taken out because of Random.org is even more disgusting. 

Last tribal was great. We had a perfect plan to get out Danielle, but then Colin ratted, so we had a last minute switch to take him out while simultaneously wasting his Idol. Now there are lines drawn in the sand and I feel like i'm in an okay position on this tribe. I still don't trust jack or JD at all especially after Jack infected me in the last immunity but we have to keep them for numbers now. I want the plan to be right now for people to think we will split the votes between danielle/nicholas when hopefully we can actually take out Ryan. I have a bad gut feeling about this round and it could be over for me, but we'll see how this plays out!

The Danielle vote may have backfired, but the Colin blindside went as planned! Lily has won immunity which I'm happy about. Ryan and Danielle are annoying because they're trying to fight me on "not being personal" with them. I'm not fucking obligated to talk about my personal life with you! This is a survivor ORG, people are busy, sorry I'm not crying on your fucking shoulder about boy problems! I talk to the people I trust & who make an effort back. Get a better argument to fight me on because this just makes you look pathetic.

I don't know what the hell happened at the last trib.... Which is a lie, I've been told by a could people what happened but like... It just sounded nuts. Literally everyone in the alliance I put together the first week is getting picked off one after another. 

Holy fuck! I'm gone for one night. short story everyone is crazy. long story is that some how Ryan and Q ended up on opposite sides of a thing and I like both of them. Fucking stress. I was finally able to have a good talk with Nicholas, who thought I hated him because I hate Nick... Just wrong names, but hella wrong people. So we got that all worked out and he is stressing. I don't blame him ether, I would have been pissed if Liam throw me under the bus like Dani did him. Q told me earlier that she wasn't sure were a few of them were really and I'm just like... Imma try to keep Ryan and Nicholas alive as long as I can but I'm not gonna fuck up my game for them. We'll see how things go I guess. 

i've exposed willow and q and their shitty receipts to JD. i'm hoping jack plays his double vote on chelsea. i'm hoping danielle nicholas me christine and jd also vote with jack and his double vote against chelsea. this is the only play. im also gonna tell jackson a fake name i'm voting to see if he'll vote that way. but im leaving christines name out of every conversation i have (aside from with danielle) idk im not a pussy ass bitch and im not gonna get with the fucking majority everytime. that fukcing furby is gonna get it

oops jack told me i was the vote. my ass? more likely that you think

Hello. So I won immunity? Niiiiice. Haha. I didn't see this one coming but glad I didn't have to do anything to win. That's cool. I'm very concerned about this vote. I've got a lot of people who want to work with me. I think me as well as the three others in my alliance along with Jackson JD jack Chelsea and Gage. That's a lot of people. But it honestly makes me feel good about my position. And the more we aplit up the pairs the better for me and my mentorless self. And no one knows about my extra vote either. I feel bad for not telling my alliance but it's not like Christine has told us at all about what she got on reflection. But I'm honestly worried about whatbmight come out of reflection island still. It looks like tonight's vote is gonna be on Danielle or ryan. Leaning towards Danielle. Danielle is pretty mad and I'm sure she would have one intense jury speech. Not sure if I can handle it. Wish me luck! 

I'm nervous about the numbers on this vote. We have 5 that I think are solid and the other side has 3, but there are 4 wild cards that are Jack, JD, Christine and Jackson that could flip and change everything. I'm just hoping for the best! 

Me danielle and ryan have developed big plays. We're playing a vote steal and an extra vote in order to get chelsea out here

Hi I'm Jackson and this is my sixth confessional. Wow okay so the shit hit the fan last week. Remember when I said I hoped that Colin wouldn't get too set on Jack going home in place of Danielle? Well, it looks like he did literally just that. Without telling me (although he did say he was thinking about doing it, to be fair) he gave his idol pieces to Ryan to save Danielle and blindside Gage, but Ryan accidentally told Willow who got everyone to change their votes to Colin, so Colin went home. I wasn't told about the vote switch, nor that Colin was actually going to do it, so basically I was left with my thumb up my ass thinking everyone was a rat. This week things aren't looking amazing for me. Danielle is all but done with me, and Ryan says he still would like to work together, I think he's just trying to use me to save his own ass. Basically, I'm stuck with the majority group led by Chelsea/Gage/Willow/Quillynn, but I can't actually be an active participant in the gameplay until Ryan goes home. Because Chelsea is telling people I'm feeding information back to him and that they can't completely trust me yet. Sigh. Also, I'm now pretty sure that Chelsea fooled me and she actually did vote for Colin at the tribal where Lauren went home, so yeah, I'm not super excited about working with her anymore. At the same time, I'm not feeling like I have any other options. I'm probably voting Ryan tonight unless I hear something different, and to be honest, I really hope he goes home. If Chelsea's side loses majority now, I'll be stuck with them on a sinking ship, because I don't think Ryan will trust me at all once I vote for him. Hopefully a week spent at Reflection Island will do some good for my game and open up some opportunities for me to actually do something. Because if I had my way, Chelsea would go home for lying to me and just being generally too manipulative, Gage would go because he's suspicious af, and me and Lily would make a F2 deal. Oh, and also I want to win a challenge. And maybe finally get a damn idol piece. So yeah, basically that's it. Let's hope I haven't been lied to even more!!

Wish this game had nice hosts. Hope danielle goes tonight and Ryan plays another idol!

whew ok so im kinda in a sticky situation right now. im really on the outs in this game and im not sure what to do. i know quillynn and trixie have my back to a small extent but they are just keeping me around so that when they have to betray their alliance they have an extra vote or at least they assume that i will be a vote for them on jury which honestly is true. i have this lovely legacy advantage and if anyone does me dirty in this game you had best bet i will use it as pettily to my advantage as possible if i am on jury and someone screws me over. i dont vote bitter at the end of games, but i do play bitter sometimes if its necessary! either way im torn on this vote. i can either vote out ryan [which i dont want to do because i feel like without him and danielle im fucked], vote chelsea [ which i dont want to do bc i love chelsea as a person and i know she is keeping my name out of the other sides mouth] or just throw away my vote. i dont want to throw away my vote because thats such a cop out but every time i work the numbers it seems like no matter what i do ryan will leave.

Okay I can't make a move yet but I think I can make my move next round, #hevotedouthisstudent

Grr so of course on the random.org thing for the challenge I'm out first and have no shot at immunity lmao. I think in a sense the challenge was very telling for who's with who. I infected JD first bc I just don't know her at all. I think most of the infections went in a normal order except for when Jack infected QuilLynn like it was very weird but then later he explained to me that hes never talked to her before so maybe that's its? but hes a red flag of course So originally everyone was thinking Ryan bc hes being really mean to Chelsea and I was like okay whatever. But then I was thinking and I'm like Jackson is a number for us (potentially) and he would be sent to reflection island but Nicholas will never be a number for us so why not vote out Danielle so that he will be at reflection. Anway a bunch of rumors are going around right now and its about to be tribal and I think everyone is going kinda crazy. 

I literally feel like I'm gonna be sick. Tonight I'm proving I'm a true #rebel and flipping. This is gonna be so crazy but Quillynn, Willow and Lily all came to me saying we should vote out Danielle rather than saying in the alliance chat which was sketchy. Then Gage acted like he didn't care which was sketchy. Then I talked to JD and she was experiencing the same so I think we're being used which is dumb cause I'm tired of Quillynn consistently lying to me. I gave Ryan my vote steal and in return he gave me his idol pieces so I'm hoping this works. I'm obviously just a number for the girls and they don't really care what I think so this way will hopefully be better. If Danielle does go home I'll look like a paranoid mess but this is the best option cause I know Ryan at least trusts me...anyway I can't wait to go home tonight woohoo.

[survivorcutthroat]

Episode 1: “There’s a 50 year old playing this game.” - Zack (Part 2)

*shocker* Nehe blew it. Big. 

 Good news? We got Seamus to join us + I think there's a very tentative plan in motion right now....Seamus told Nehe that Zack and Amir are close so if me/him/Nehe and Dustin vote together we have instant majority and we can boot Zack  like I have been wanting to.... 

But of course, I can't trust Seamus yet as he is yet to tell this info directly to me - just to Nehe. I'll work on that... 

But for now I'll let Nehe do the scheming for the both of us so that if it backfires, the bullet hits him harder than me. =)

Stevie is now on our tribe, as we have lost immunity. I'm selling him on the idea of "Ali is the guy here we all look to for guidance" so that he wants Ali gone. I've been gunning for Ali while having an alliance with him since day one. Gotta cut throats before throats cut you. 

This is so uglyyy omg. Voting Sherry was a huge mistake, however, we had no idea what the vote would entail. It could have been voting someone to redemption island for all we know. Sherry had to complete a series of puzzles, and they're some of the worst puzzles I've ever seen. Stevie and Seamus are fucking freaks. Then this twist comes and they have to vote at our tribal too. And freaking Stevie chooses my tribe 

 I hate Stevie and my relationship with him isn't very good. I prefer Seamus because I think he would have my back. I don't feel safe, but I have Ali and Bodhi. Dom might help me, but he hasn't really talked to me since the first day. Sherry and I don't talk to, and she is super busy. My concerns are that Sherry might have something for doing the challenge, and Stevie might try to stir the pot. Kill me, Tommy help me out god. I have no idea why Eddie hates me, he's trying to rig against me. This cast is meh no wonder I'm on it. 

 Btw, I came to a realization that I should consider not dating, liking, crushing, or doing anything with another guy they are disgusting and fakes and ugly. I'm so done with them. 

 Me: let me be more social! 

also me: doesn't talk to people on my tribe

Okay I made a decision. I'm gonna stick to my guns. I am not letting nehe or crow leave and im not compromising. I know I've been in denial but it's time to face the facts. My tribe is going to tribal. I'm going to make sure nehe doesn't go. I think he'll 100% be a loyal ally. He so sweet and I like him and I have a feeling he's not gonna hit it off with a lot of people. 

Second, I truly truly hope crow doesn't go. I love him as a person he's literally my husband but like, I'm not gonna throw my game away for him. If he's the one going then he's the one going. I need to make sure me and nehe are safe over him because I can control nehe more than I can control crow. If crow does go, then me and nehe are enough to force a tie if we go to tribal again. 

Third, is zack. Zack and I have a long history and I've known him for 2 years. Taking him out isn't bad for my game but I genuinely would be so bad because I love him as a person so I really really don't want to. 

Fourth is Dustin, nice kid, pretty hot lowkey, but he can go. I really do like him as a person but uhhhgg 

Zack just confirmed he's with Dustin. ZAXK WANTS ME HIM AND DUSTIN TO ALIGN. I WASNT MEANT FOR THIS FUCKING GAME. THIS IS Not what I want. I think crow is gonna be the one to go. I am SO sad. I DONT WVEN KNOW IF I TRUST ZACK OR DUSTIN. WHAT IF IM BEING PLAYED? I WANT TO FUCKING SCREAM. How am I suppose to talk to dustin when he never fuckin replies? Maybe I should just vote myself out and be lucky. If I'm with Zack/Dustin I'm at the bottom cuz they're close. If I'm with nehe and crow I'm at the top cuz they're both close to me. I'm just gonna keep my mouth shut. That's what I'm gonna do. I'm going to keep my fucking mouth shut and wait for zack and Dustin to campaign to nehe and wait to see what crow wants to do. I need to like be patient and wait. That's what I need to do

We are more than halfway through round one and I am loving this game!! When it started and I saw the cast reveal i almost immediately quit because i saw Jaiden and Sid and i needed to GO, but then they weren't on my tribe so it was fine. I really like my tribe! Me and Tommy have always gotten along, although we don't have much playing experience together. Cole and I have a weird relationship in games that I don't fully understand but this time around I am liking it. I like Abel, and Matt is a cool dude. i really like that all of us searched for the idol because otherwise I probably wouldn't have searched and missed the potential opportunity. In terms of the other people in the cast, I LOVE LIANA!!!! One of my faves, so happy she is here! Seamus I get along with well, and surprisingly I have been talking to Bodhi a decent amount. My biggest fear is in this game I don't know how more than half of these people are as players. I know about less than half of the cast and Id on't like that. gonna have to snoop around and ask how these bitches played in their past games.

So walking into this game - I feel pretty decent about the cast. I know certain people for good reasons and some for bad reasons. When I look at the people I see Dustin & Cole, of which as all played BBHell together and on separate occasions flirted with each other. This was my first game from a year ago. I had to unblock Dustin from a year ago. Yikes. 

People are recognizing me from India. "India", "robbed of Switzerland" whatever blah blah blah. Considering I don't play tumblr to often I kinda just like to do me so I play a bit medicore I guess. But they all know me so w/e. 

My tribe is pretty decent. I'm happy. As a tribe we haven't talked but one on one my strongest relations are in this tribe. Sherry is one of my bffs

Oh my, I'm so scared about this game. At least Stevie won the immunity challenge but I feel like I'm missing out on so much gameplay. I feel like there is a alliance(s) that I'm not in. What should I do, I've generally scared. I think people like me personally, but I could be wrong like always. I'm really trying to lay low in this game and I'm hoping people will forget about me for the most part the game. I don't know if I should start a majority alliance in my tribe OR I should get 2 people from each tribe and form a 8 person alliance where we all work together to get rid of people that isn't in the alliance, the nice thing about two tribes losing two members tomorrow is that this alliance could totally happen. The only thing is that this plan would completely backfire on me because I would be playing too hard to fast. I'm so conflicted, if my tribe does up going to tribal, I'm probably going to vote out Matt because I know him the least (I've said this like 7 times jeez). I'm going to try and be lovable in this game and have people think I'm easily manipulated and doing their will so they won't target me. Oh man, this game makes me paranoid.

So pretty much whats going to (hopefully) happen is that Nehe will be hitting the road after taking 4 hours of his life on those puzzles. Yes he didnt quit. But still he was 3 hours behind even placing 2nd. For us to be down to a tribe of 4 its going to rely on comp scores so he has to go. ive talked alot to crow, amir ,and zack and we all seem to get along. however i am suspicious of amir and zacks previous relationship. Hopefully we can all vote together today and send Nehe packing.Oh my, I'm so scared about this game. At least Stevie won the immunity challenge but I feel like I'm missing out on so much gameplay. I feel like there is a alliance(s) that I'm not in. What should I do, I've generally scared. I think people like me personally, but I could be wrong like always. I'm really trying to lay low in this game and I'm hoping people will forget about me for the most part the game. I don't know if I should start a majority alliance in my tribe OR I should get 2 people from each tribe and form a 8 person alliance where we all work together to get rid of people that isn't in the alliance, the nice thing about two tribes losing two members tomorrow is that this alliance could totally happen. The only thing is that this plan would completely backfire on me because I would be playing too hard to fast. I'm so conflicted, if my tribe does up going to tribal, I'm probably going to vote out Matt because I know him the least (I've said this like 7 times jeez). I'm going to try and be lovable in this game and have people think I'm easily manipulated and doing their will so they won't target me. Oh man, this game makes me paranoid.

welp. i'm going to mother fucking tribal. 

my plan? seamus told me nehe and crow said my name.. so nehe and crow can CHOKE. i wanna make an alliance with dustin and amir and vote nehe out hehe. honestly. can all these people choke so i can win. like just give me the win.

This is so ugly. I love Ali so much. Me and Ali have an alliance with Bodhi, but Bodhi does not trust Ali. Sherry is obviously trying to save herself, and why the hell is it catching on? Dom's dumbass is barely here, Stevie shouldn't even be a part of this tribe this twist is rigged. But Bodhi? Like hell man why do you think Sherry is going to be more loyal to us than Ali? We voted for Sherry! Unless he's saying he didn't vote or didn't actually vote. Like Sherry and Stevie i undersrand voting for Ali, but Bodhi? What the hell? We're in an alliance with him do you really think he's going to flip onus now? So stupid these people are so stupid.

Nehe and I are talking, and he's one of the few people in the game I think is absolutely telling me the truth. I want him on my side when a swap hits. Right now my trust is in Amir, Abel, Dom, Sherry, and Nehe. I've got moderate amounts of trust with Crow, Mearl, Tommy, Stevie, Rob, Ali (but im killing him tonight), Seamus, and several other people. I am feeling GOOD about this game if I can make it past this tribal.

I talked to everybody that's originally on my tribe and the vote is split between Sherry and Ali. Bodhi is such a snake. I went on call with Dom who I loved a lot the first night and he told me that Bodhi exposed our alliance to him for no reason. Dom isn't even close to Bodhi. Bodhi is obviously trying to control the vote and doing what is right for him. Fake I knew i never liked him. I do want to work with Dom and Eddie's Breadies is definitely not a thing anymore. 

[12:35:25 PM] Bodhi: Who are you working with on your tribe> 

[12:35:34 PM] Nehe Mehe: lol can you keep a secret? 

[12:35:52 PM] Bodhi: absolutely 

[12:35:55 PM] Nehe Mehe: at the moment all of them cause they all wanna work with me 

[12:35:56 PM] Bodhi: there's no one i'd tell 

then i went and told Amir.

1 hour later:

I'm hella nervous tribal council is coming up in three hours but everything should be fine. Amir settled on voting out Zack and Seamus is all good and so is Crow and I dont know where Dustin is at but yeah he better vote Zack out too. I gotta watch how I play out in the Live tribal portion but I feel like I have a chance to stay but I can tragically still get blindsided.

[2:41 PM] Ali  TAnveer: We need you You're the fun person in the tribe

[2:41:31 PM] Bodhi: I wanted tribal at 5 :'( 

[2:41:40 PM] Ali  TAnveer: I was. Tribal now 

[2:41:46 PM] Ali  TAnveer: Or 5 :( 

[2:42:48 PM] Bodhi: 5 is just better 

[2:44:08 PM] Ali  TAnveer: It is [2:44:15 PM] Ali  TAnveer: I might be out tonight 

Ali has no idea how right he is. He means that he wont be around for tribal, but he won't be around after tribal either.

15 minutes later:

OOPS hahahaha fuck. Ok so Rob wants me to flip on the plan to take out Ali, and he's made good arguments. I'm gonna keep Ali around and do Sherry instead. Sherry is less active, and has more friends. Ali is a more visable target. There goes my big flip plan!

Ugh okay so this is #4 on day 4. So basically since i won my tribe was safe. Then we got to deal with 2 twists. First is do we want to keep, throw away, or give someone and idol clue. Of course i keep it bc why would I want someone else to have it? Plus i can just lie and give others a fake clue. The second is that I joined the red tribe and go to tribal with them but im immune... So i get to vote and im p sure imma vote zack, even though i think i can work with him, i need switzerland and great lakes people to leave. I cant risk having their former relationships come into play and bite me in the butt. SO tonight it will either be Nehe or Zack but I'm voting Nehe! Wish me luck!

Okay y'all I'm packing my bags. Fuck! This! Twist! FUCK THIS CAST! I HATE. Fuck seamus. Next time I'm on a tribe with him he's getting lit tf up. It's round one and he made up lies about me already and it's really sad because he really doesn't know who he's fucking with. Bitch boy just ruined his own game If I survive this tribal I'm going to end him. I am going to Fucking END SEAMUS. He looks like the mom from suite life of zack and cody. He's like telling nehe that me and zack are best friends and basically pinning the target on us and telling nehe that I talked to him the least when I literally have talked with Seamus everyday. Like is he inbred? I was starting to really like him but he truly fucked himself over now. I don't rest until his basic white gay ass goes.   

The info I know: 

1. Make nehe 100% on board with me again. 

2. Nehe wants to vote zack or Dustin but he doesn't want to vote crow. 

3. Zack wants to convince nehe to vote Dustin instead of him but he still wants to vote nehe out. 

4. Seamus wants either zack or I out 

Info I need: 

1. Is dustin still 100% on the vote nehe out train? 

2. Crow told me and Dustin he wants to vote nehe but told nehe he wants to do zack or Dustin but preferably Dustin. What tf does crow want? 

Nehe knows too much. Crow isn't gonna go, no one wants him out. I got nehe protecting me right now. What I need to know is If crow is really with nehe and he genuinely wants to vote out zack or Dustin. 

As much as I love nehe, Crow has sunk his social game claws into him already. He's the middle man between zack/Dustin and me/crow. If I'm able to survive this round and get through this I can for sure make the target next week to be Dustin or crow. Nehe is STILLLLL telling people that me and zack are a final 2.

I FUCKING HATE THIS CAST. Dustin keeps me sane. I'm glad I have him. How did he go from my least fav on the tribe to my absolute fav? 

[7/6/17, 3:52:25 PM] Amir: On 7/6/17, at 3:51 PM, Nehe Mehe wrote: > you are way nicer than i would’ve guessed Amir 

Okay I feel fucking bad but like he literally went and told the whole tribe that me and zach are a final 2. Im scared but tbh my skin has been clear for a long ass time and I got a pimple today and this game is to blame. If I get voted out I might become sane again.

Ah what a lovely event tribal council is! I thought I would be in trouble but I'm actually likable I think??? Wow I'm shooketh.

So after Nehe's blunder at the comp and Zack's inept social game, it put them both on the chopping block. I would love to just chop both but I have to choose apparently....Nehe has Seamus on his side and Zack has Amir on his side leaving Dustin and I, the dream team of distrust, as the swing votes. (But there's a lot of lies in between so it might not be that clear)

And although I'm closer to Nehe, him going reaps more benefits as I gain trust with Dustin, Zack, and Amir and cut the only person who would be my enemy moving into this tribe swap....

So I'm throwing my first knife at Nehe and I think it's going to pierce his heart. Whoops! #AnyoneButMe right?

#ChaosCrow or #CutthroatCrow ? I bet bitches didn't see me cutting so early but this is my second chance and I'm ready to draw blood.

SO! Guess who's ready for another summer of stress, sadness and seventh place? It's ya boy, Sid! With Magyi's tribal in 15 minutes, this confessional MAY be a little overdue, but I'm here to break down days one through four for you. 

Sagu is a beautiful tribe for beautiful people. At least, that's what I thought. Now, I've realized that I'm kinda pissed off that I'm not with my Twister Sister Sherry, or my number one: Amir. Y'all put me on a tribe with Jaiden, whose reputation precedes him, Luke, who I haven't talk to in days, and Seamus, who is probably the worst liar I've met. Seriously, someone let him win a game? I trust Liana the most right now, but even that is like a 7/10. 

I vibed with Seamus at first, but as soon as I approached him about working together, he really showed his cards with his tone. I don't trust him at all, and, after hearing about his antics on Magyi (thanks to this loser twist), I trust him even less. As SOON as I get the chance, he's gone. I have a metaphorical place on my wall for his metaphorical head. WE'RE GOING TROPHY HUNTING, BOYS. That being said, I'm in an "alliance" (more of a trust cluster) with him and Liana. 

I really feel like I'm keeping a level head, and I'm trying to play less antsy. That, however, isn't going to keep me from making big moves. One World sucks, but at least I can talk to Amir. He's honestly my number one, and I'd never betray him. I love Sherry too, and I can't wait to reunite with her again. I'm going to go watch Magyi's tribal now, but I'm so excited to play Cutthroat Island!!! It's going to be a doozie.

Idk what's happening this tribal, maybe bodhi is not with us? He aint replying maybe they are against me and rob, these people are crazy and I just wanna stay, I give my heart and souls to this game.

Hello! I'm back for a third time now to attempt a second win! I'm really nervous to start the season but also super excited to have gotten another chance at the win. It's weird being one of two winners in this season. The feeling is just weird and unexplainable. I believe this season is going to be super messy and people will be all over the place, I just hope to at least make merge and jury and from there get to the end. My tribe is really good we have a lot of people who made it far and I genuinely like all of them. Since this is a one word season I wanna make a few connections with the people on other tribes to so I'm safe for a swap or something. I feel like I'm paranoid 24/7 this season compared to my other two seasons where I felt I always tried to make a safety net for myself... this season there is no way I can make a safety net yet because I don't trust many if any people. As for my tribe I feel like I wouldn't be the first boot just because of my first impressions I think, however you can never know. For right now before swaps or anything I wanna be seen as a coattail rider and start from the bottom up and work my way into a good position so people will not target me right away and work on relationships with people. 

I'm so happy Stevie won the challenge because that means I made Final 18! I'm so happy I didn't get the first two boots I honestly would have actually cried A LOT. I'm even more nervous now that there is less people because one step closer to the end and it'll only get more cutthroat from here on out.

I went on call with Dom who revealed Bodhi is shady. Dom said that he would like people to be straightforward with him. I agree, so i decided to tell Ali everything. Ali knows what is happening because i do really like him and he deserves to know. I told Bodhi that voting Ali is stupid and he believed me. Sherry is going to flip because she knows she's on the chopping block. So flipping Bodhi should flip Dom too. The vote should be Sherry, but she said she has the idol. I don't know if I believe it, but it should be Ali then? Fucl Stevie btw. If this vote goes to plan I'll scream I might have done that. 

I had 7 calls back to back to back. 

JAIDEN I hated Jaiden from before this game, but after talking to him he seems quite alright and I'd love to work with him this time around. I actually really like jaiden which is a huge suprise. 

ROB Rob just needed some reassuring. I reassured his ass. 

ALI Ali needed reassuring as well. I did the exact same to him 

STEVIE I needed to fill Stevie in on the vote so he didn't get mad when it was Sherry 

ABEL We talked about the game for a bit, nothing spesific but we got along great ALI Abel hung up on me and Ali wanted me to call again. We said almost nothing and I think he's happy. 

ABEL Oh my god. This was the most important call of the game. We were giggling about our dislike of Luke together, and we're going to go FAR. I love Abel and I want to go to the end with him.