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[marvuelousmrmaisel-blog]

Big Mistake

Right, look I was in a relationship for the better part of 4 years and by the end if we are being honest by the end we were just kinda together because we were. We were not making each other happy and we were far away from the best versions of ourselves. So when we broke up about a year ago it was without a doubt for the best.

I handled it in a very healthy way and threw myself into my exams and almost ruined my mental health and then threw myself into work and worked 60+ hour weeks for the majority of summer. So when I let myself realise that I had a crush on a co worker (and had done for months) I was so happy, and when we eventually ended up together after the usual amount of romcom classic nonsense it was incredible. I never thought id be able to spend basically every second of every day with someone and still never be sick of seeing them but that's where I found myself and I was loving every second of it. It was amazing to have someone who you can just talk about anything with, moaning about work they get it coz they are living it, but we love so many of the same things and some of my favourite days were just the ones spent sat on the sofa watching rubbish tv all day.

So yeah it’s all going great but you remember when I said about my mental health and how I almost ruined it, well turns out if you don’t try and fix it it will come back at the worst possible time and fuck everything up. So yeah.....that’s what happened. I am rubbish at talking about my feelings and how I'm doing, in a relationship I always take on the more caring role trying to make sure the other is ok no matter what the toll is to me. Im not saying this in an attempt to be like “ooh aren’t I great” im saying this to show that that is not healthy in a relationship, especially one where I felt as loved as I did. 

We started dating around October and it was amazing, we even spent Christmas with my family and they all loved her because of course they did because she is great! Then we came back and I started getting ready for my third year exams at uni which as you can imagine were very stressful, which combined with the whole not talking about how im feeling thing ended about as well as you imagine it did. We went to spend time with my family again around February and I could tell something was different, not that the way we felt about each other was different but that the way I felt (in myself) was different. Looking back I absolutely took it out on her, all I wanted was to talk to this person that I trusted more than anyone I'd ever known but for some fucked up reason in my own head I couldn’t and I hated myself for it. 

Not long after we got back we broke up. Not because I wanted to but because I wanted to but because I love her too much to bring her down with me. 

Now that was as mistake undoubtably, I still loved her when we broke up and I still love her now. But my biggest mistake by far is what I did next.

After we broke up I was in a pretty bleak place, suddenly single again, more than 200 miles from my family, safe to say I was craving company and intimacy. That’s when I got a drunk call one evening from my ex (the one id been with for about four years). Then just like that after telling this person that I love that I want;t ready to be in a relationship (yes I lied of course I lied) I was back in a relationship. The way that I treated Velma  in the next few months in unacceptable and I can only apologise to her. So yeah of course this ended about as well as can be expected, about three weeks ago. The main reason beyond the fact we shouldn't have been together to begin with was that I was clearly not over Velma in any way, and I am still not.

Velma is currently away visiting family and MY GOD I MISS HER SO MUCH, I miss getting to talk to her about anything (after we broke up we were able to stay really good friends because SHE IS A GREAT PERSON), I miss seeing her and the way I feel when I do.Whenever we message just to chat about nonsense it is the highlight of my day and makes me smile so hard my cheeks hurt. I know that I have blown my chance here but I just want her to know that I love her and I am so sorry for ever hurting and if for god knows what reason she was able to give me another chance I will spend the rest of my life trying to show her how much she truly means to me 

So that's the story I am sat on my bed ping over her and wishing I had the courage to say this to her face

P.S. yes I chose Velma because I have a thing for Velma from scooby doo, who doesn’t?!

[marvuelousmrmaisel-blog]

Eyes, Lies and Misleading Mirrors

So, yes this is my first blog post and yes this may be a very heavy (no pun intended) place to start, but here we are its 2:22 in the morning and I have something I want to get off my chest.

My weight has always played a big part in my life, I have never really been comfortable with the size I am but like so many of us I tended to be placed in the “fat, funny friend” category, now I am hilarious so I didn’t really mind this but it did nothing to make me try and do anything about my size and the issues it was causing me both physically and mentally. Now I could go on to blame my genetics and say I was cursed to be this way but if I really take a step back and take a long hard look at myself (something which has been somewhat a theme of this year for me) I know that I have let food play way too big of a role in my life. Well this year was the year I decided to do something about it and in the process have lost the better part of two stone and am physically the healthiest I have been in years (if not ever) which while having plenty of positives has had one fairly big negative I was not at all prepared for.

But before we get into that, a little back story, not too much though I promise. From a young age I have had a very direct relationship between emotions and food; something good happens celebrate with a meal out, feeling ill here is some food to make you feel better, upset: cake, angry: cake, birthday: cake,  (what can I say cake is versatile). It is safe to say that during hard or stressful times in my adult life I tended to turn to food to make me feel better, I always have and I think deep down I will always want to. Now I know it will sound cheesy but up until about the age of 15/16 I really didn’t care what I looked like (i was that kid), but since then I became aware I was not “conventionally attractive” something which I now know is not only non-existent but dangerous to aim for. I tried dieting and going to the gym and could lose the weight easily enough but never seemed to keep it off, which only added to the fairly crap mental state I was in at the time. This carried on until the Christmas of my second year of university; lose weight feel bad put it back on feel bad about putting it back on lose it (you know the rest).

Now we fast forward to xmas 2018, see I told you there wouldn’t be much back story. I always spend xmas with my family at the house I grew up in which ids always amazing, but it is also in these times surrounded by my old books and bed and clothes I tend to take a look at myself and the person I am. In my room I have a wardrobe door with a mirror on it and during this particular holiday I stood looking at myself and my belly and my double chin and decided that something needed to change. This has always been easier at university because I am cooking for myself and as much as I love my dad he definitely enjoys making sure I am well fed. So as soon as I got back I started dieting, going to the gym more as well as other just general health and lifestyle improvements and honestly it worked a treat. It is now almost four months later; I ams 10kg lighter than I was, I can walk up stairs without being out of breathe, I can run a 5k in 20 minutes and have finally started tackling my mental health. But I still found my self tonight looking in that same mirror at someone who is obviously so much slimmer but not only that, healthier still hating how I look and thinking my stomach is huge. 

But why?! Surely that’s not fair! I have put all that effort in, surely I should love how I look now! Unfortunately sometimes it is not that easy.

“Body dysmorphic disorder is a mental disorder in which you can't stop thinking about one or more perceived defects or flaws in your appearance — a flaw that, to others, is either minor or not observable. But you may feel so ashamed and anxious that you may avoid many social situations.” (mayoclinic.org)

Now I do not suppose to be a psychiatrist and I also do not mean to say that I have BDD but I think it works if as nothing more than a great descriptor for the way a lot of people feel about themselves. Personally (as I said earlier) I have never liked the way I looked, in photographs or mirrors or anything really. But all that actually means is that I don’t like the way I see myself (a very important distinction) and that can can be due to all sorts of factors like what mood I’m in or even the temperature or surroundings. A good example of this is the mirror in my flat, it is amazing because it makes you look great (like the best version of you), honestly if I could replace all mirrors on earth with this mirror I guarantee it would be a better place. But this does mean when I look at myself in other mirrors I see someone who is so much healthier (and thinner) than I was before but I don’t feel it because this mirror only make me feel good about myself and not great. No more than ever with social media as prominent as it is we end up comparing everyones highlight reels to our behind the scenes (I can’t take credit for that saw it on facebook or something but it seemed to fit), and we all need to know that happiness in yourself is more important that conforming to the way you “should look”.

So what am I trying to say, where am I going with all of this? 

The thing I have come to realise at what is now 3:24 and wanted to get off my chest is that the reason I could never keep the weight off is because I was aiming for some unattainable end point, when really it is about living a life that makes you happy. Right now I am the healthiest I can remember ever feeling, I have great friends and family, university (the most stressful time of my life) is almost over, I love my life, and even though sometimes I don’t like how I look in a mirror it helps to remember that your eyes can lie and mirrors can mislead but how you feel inside…thats all you, you control that.