#i WISH i wasn't at uni
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sighs deeply as i fantasise about getting a fellowship to cover a translation studies certification
#it will probably never happen but a woman can wish can't he#my uni doesn't offer translation studies as a track#and i wasn't as interested in it when i applied as i am now#and even if i went back in time i would still apply here and come here#because it hits all the OTHER bullet points for me (triple major. chinese. covered by the#grants that i'm eligible for. etc)#but darn if the lack of a translation studies programme doesn't vex me incredibly#not to mention that according to everyone i've talked to unless you do academic or conference#interpretation/translation you're sort of out of luck on making it a career :')#ah well. i'll just keep at it as a hobby if i have to#indigo ink
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Just found out I've missed two more lectures than I thought I did, and since that means I won't be able to follow tomorrows first lecture I'll have to catch up on 5 lectures in total (head in hands) How the fuck do people balance their uni and leasure time without neglecting one or the other. I've still got like two papers I'm supposed to write til the end of the month that I haven't even researched for yet....God help me
#ramblings#MEETING PEOPLE TAKES TIME AS WELL...It's like someone's throwing a third ball for me to juggle with when I can't even do it with two#Urgh I wish the uni I go to wasn't like a 1 1/2h train ride away from where I live...wasting 3h on travelling alone everyday is frustrating#BUT EVEN IF I WANTED TO MOVE THAT WOULD ONLY BE A FOURTH BALL FOR ME TO JUGGLE WITH... I CAN'T DO THAT!!!#OUGHHH DIES ON THE SPOT IN THE FAMILY GUY DEATH POSE#I can't even do the vast majority of my work on the train ride bc nearly everything requires internet...which I do not have on the train#motherfuckers who live over in [redacted] don't know how good they have it#Rent there's expensive as shit too. Like I'd need to work part time if I wanna finance it in any way.#oTL
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please do not tell me you like how i write, because i will inevitably think i'm decent at it and think i'm worth appreciating
#i wish i could actually accept compliments#like on ao3 i just say “thank you so much!!” but i'd like to grab the commenters' shoulders and shake them ->#-> and yell “stop i'm literally tricking you into thinking i'm any good but i'm not and this is an elaborate prank on both parts!!”#man. man. fucking shit. i want to cry#i'm so fucking upset because why did my high school italian (my native language) teacher always tell me i wasn't any good at this?#and. and i had her for 5 fucking years. i internalised that shit.#i graduated high school five fucking years ago and her words are still in my head#and every time i write i always think nobody is going to fucking understand a word i'm trying to say#and even in uni. i graduated uni too ok? and. nobody ever told me my essays sucked.#so one would think i would've unlearnt the hatred by now. well. i did not.#i want to fucking cry#why am i so stuck in the past#why cant i just. move on
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no because it's actually so dire i cannot be going through what i went through ages 11-14 and have this heavy a workload i am not doing that i literally am not
#no girl has all three: a girlfriend a social life and enthusiasm for her course#except i don't have any 👍 i wish i wasn't so fucking lonely all the fucking time oh my god#it's the second say of proper uni things will get better things have to get better#sam.txt
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is it just me or does anybody else not remember ever getting encouraged to really think about their future as a kid
#like i never had a thing i wanted to be ~when i grew up~#same goes for school#i didn't go to business school bc i was interested. i went bc my father also went#i didn't do look at any informational material before starting my english programme at uni. i just knew i liked english so i went#in hindsight i wish i had gone to a school with a focus on languages or the performing arts#but i wasn't encouraged to make those choices#so much of my anxiety stems from not knowing what happens next bc i've never planned ahead#waaah
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opened tumblr on desktop for the first time in forever and it's ugly as hell
#i'm only on desktop because i have to do uni work. i wish i wasn't#i have this very delightful course about education law which is very useful as someone who will be#working in a school environment but damn. this is a bit different than my usual field of study
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i am so hungry. i wish i had a pack of smoked salmon to destroy with my teeth. for enrichment
#trying to write/do anything but my stomach is acting like a cat that hasnt been fed in thirty minutes#deadass just ate like a normal dinner too. come on#times like this i wish i was back in uni......#i got a good meal plan for freebies and all the smoked salmon i could shovel into my stupid mouth#granted it wasn't good smoked salmon. like. really mediocre smoked salmon#but whenever im in presence of salmon i enter what i call a 'salmon haze' where i black out. and when iw wake up the salmon is gone#probably bc i eated it all.......#sorry. im hungry rn. but there are people in the kitchen. and the only food in my room is a half-empty jar of laoganma#laoganma save me laoganma#i used to have a roll of oreos in here too but i destroyed that ages ago
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Can't wait for her to play the victim tomorrow and act like I was awful to her, just because I gave her a cold shoulder after she said she's gonna trade (not even sell) the CDs I spent hours looking for and had to pay a shit ton of money for some of them....
#jake.txt#at this point i wish tomorrow wasn't a holiday at uni so at least i wouldn't have to see her in the morning
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honestly, at this point, most institutions' talk about being inclusive to people with disabilities rings so hollow to me because there's so often little to no work done to back it up. it doesn't matter how pretty your words sound if you don't actually do the damn work.
#the work in this case - sending an email to disability services with links to the inaccessible content#because disability services won't accept an email from me as a student 🙄#i also had to laugh when the university orientation video about how inclusive it is didn't have cc#there was no auto caption option bc it wasn't even on yt so i just had to do my damn best to make out what i could#it is also very frustrating when the dept organizes events last minute which gives very little time to get certain accommodations in place#imo advance planning is an essential part of accessibility but so many people don't want to recognize that lol#god i'm so tired of this university! i wish that i'd been able to get this degree at a uni i know is better about these things#part of me wants to give up but honestly i can see this field needs my perspective#sorry rant over LOL going back to vg blogging now
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Pausing my op marathon so I can watch the movies and other shows while the current arc keeps going 🫡🫡
#also wano was such a thing.... like so well constructed.... so much background.... can't believe i am nearly caught up. this is insane#i am like 2 months too soon. i thought i was gonna spend the whole uni year watching it. well.....#i think dressrosa was good but at the same time luffy doesn't have the connection to the people of the island he has in wano or others...#it is mostly law's story that pulls you in and that's good but i love me my luffy so wano and what they did to get to gear 5.... too good#just saying shit at this point... retrospective i guess....#gyojin island was great to me bc it was mostly lore and i loved the end with jinbe#and shirahoshi and luffy were too good together. rude little man and a big ass scared siren. incredible showstopping#punk hazard was too funny. had a blast and law was a menace... also tashigi my friend tashigi... and smoker....#wci was emotional to say the least. luffy suffered more than jesus but somehow sanji cried more which i loved to see....#NOW i would have liked for wano to be zoro's story too... which kinda was but i wish he had important relationships with people that are not#luffy or his swords you know. but tashigi wasn't there and i think she is central to where his character is going so. i will wait i guess...#goodbye my sweet darlings.... buggy is waiting for me in the title screen of the next episode but i have to say goodbye for now....#i will see you in your non canon movies.... farewell.....#fuck i have exams next week... this is so bad for my op marathon stats.....#talking tag#watching one piece
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I swear, when the living embodiment of "Sometimes People Who Are Queer Are More Annoying" isn't in class and therefore isn't following me around (because they think we're besties based on the fact that we happen to share identities?? even though they clearly aren't the type of person I enjoy hanging out with?? sigh), uni is soooo much better.
Today I got to:
talk to Jędrzej about his issues with doing two majors at the same time, as well about how much we'd rather be taking a nap; also thesis struggles
chat happily with another person who stayed at uni after finishing her bachelor's (on a sort of 'cousin major' as I call it) about our favourite vegetables, about cooking and about struggles with getting your brain to 'warm up' when reading in a language using a foreign writing system
talk with a junior of mine about struggles with Japanese and about the teachers she might still encounter; about classes that might be worth taking, about studying tips and general fears for the future
walk out of the classroom chatting with the two girls from my major, with whom I'd definitely be friends if that one person wasn't following me around all the time :/
get asked about pronouns by one of them (because she apparently always meant to ask, due to the trans flag on my backpack, but there was never an opportunity; again, I wonder why), properly come out as transmasc to them, and continue the conversation with using the 'masculine' verb forms <3
talk with one of them all the way through the underpass until we had to part ways; mainly about struggles with overthinking and anxiety, about how ridiculous those thoughts can get sometimes
Man, I kinda dreaded going to uni today but actually? It was kind of a banger day?
Still really tired though.
#Time to eat now~#I even survived the class where there was a lot of talking about sex#just because that one trans girl I always lowkey wanted to be friends with#but we never had classes together#she kept throwing about really silly jokes about the whole thing#and it made everything so much easier on my sex-repulsed self#thank you trans women <3#honestly there's so many lovely people attending uni with me#I wish all of my time wasn't monopolised by someone I don't even like#even if I'm talking to someone else the moment they enter the conversation it just sort of fucking dies#because they keep talking so so much and they don't let you get a word in at all#ANYWAYS we're not talking about that rn#we're talking about the lovely time I had today <3#this was such a palate cleanser after those past few days where I felt like I was back in middle school#being told that I 'look disgusted' when I think I'm keeping a neutral expression#and being told to 'sound more natural'#today? today was great! and human interaction was nice!!
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"Unfortunately for me, I love rats. Just please don't ever hurt me again because if you do, I swear I will... I'll rip your face off and feed it to the dogs"
#the way i would kill for them#wish we got more of an affair era i can't lie#charity x mack#if uni wasn't such a bitch these would be gifs but alas. i have no time.
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& if i said im thinking of starting john afresh possibly on a new blog, would you guys find me annoying 🤔 djsjsj
#ooc tbt.#i just feel like i need a clean slate#i have so many ideas buzzing but it's not being executed properly on here#plus i want to make him more plot orientated ? like his psyche and politics are so interesting#idk i'm dealing with a lot of feelings bout it all#probably also avoiding my actual work load#love u all lots wish uni wasn't so demanding fr < 3
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someone is doing burnouts on the street outside
#god i wish that were me#stream of consciousness incoming#so im like 95% finished with my text now im gonna have my boyfriend look over it tomorrow (especially my latin translation)#but then ill just have to put the citations and then ill be fine it's actually not that much effort and it was quite easy to write#like i could have gotten it done in two days (one for source work one for writing) if it wasn't for adhd#and also i realized how incredibly sensitive i am to noise this year but like specific people noise#as soon as i can understand what the noise is i can simply not concentrate and i have pretty good ears like i pick up sounds well#so when i sit in the uni library with the windows open because i live in germany and we have no ac here and theres people talking outside?#bye i will not concentrate for like 3 hours#cant go to the library cant go to my uni workplace because my friends are there and i love them but even when i am focusing they are#SO LOUD#like theres two of them (again love them. great people) who emit loud sounds while working esp when frustrated but also randomly#and it will throw me off so badly#so today i stayed home for writing and it worked so well (noise canceling over earplugs window closed to shut out children outside)#but also i hate how easy i am to distract#however i have more discipline thab last year so at least thats okay
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this happened like 6 months ago but I'm still thinking about it so like if someone sends you a song, saying along the lines of "it kind of reminds me of your music", and the song is nowhere near by yo la tengo, with lyrics like these:
and also we rarely send songs to each other over message (although we did used to talk about music/recommend songs when we knew each other irl (like 60% of our conversations were about music)), does that mean anything or am I reading too much into it...
#it does seem kind of weird to send it out of the blue#we weren't even in an ongoing conversation at the time#and the context of. he'd heard this song and came to the thought of ''reminds me of the kind of songs whateverhernameis does''#which firstly. absolute compliment tbh bc it's a vibey song#secondly. yeah#i guess it's a win win situation bc on one side it could mean i was in his mind already? so by default the song reminded him of my songs?#on the other side it's that he wasn't thinking about me at all but the song just gave vibes of my music So Much to him that he#instantly associated and had to send it to me. which is also nice bc i wish my music sounded like that lol#but yeah. THEN there's the content of the song?#do you know how i feel about you etc....#and. everyone is here but you're nowhere near?#bc at the time i was still in a band with him but they were always meeting up bc they lived near each other but i rarely went down there#bc i live so far away. so like????#realistically it's the sort of music he would listen to and the sort of music i would listen to and it makes sense he'd send it#and i am probably reading too much into it#but i just woke up from a dream analysing the entire situation of our friendship#and i haven't had a dream like that in a while so i'm like fuck it let's read way too much into a thing i should've gotten over 3 years ago#nearly 4 years ago..........good god.........#he's probably on his way to getting a girlfriend though. there is another girl he regularly sees and she's a bassist and she's in a band#with him and now i'm like 90% certain she's also taken my place in the band i was in with him and he definitely does fancy her#but idk what their vibe is together like i barely know her so idk#but part of me wishes they would just start dating and i can move on and hardly talk to him anymore#and he can become just another symbol of uni that i can eventually let go of#to try and get over the fact it hasn't been 2nd year for nearly 3 years now lol#but yeah.............#we would be so incompatible though bc how ever could an aroace girl and a straight guy be together in this world.............#they could. but not in this world....... at least not for me lol#even if things did work out it would all crash after about a year bc i've got the time curse or something. or ocd#anyway good morning everyone. wow tag limit#ramble
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got my first therapy sessions booked in for the back end of this month/early april and i'm actually so nervous
#it's defo better than nothing atm but i wish the nhs waiting lists were shorter because wdym i'll have to wait months for specialist help#also the fortnightly monitoring at the gp surgery is already making me worse 😃 like at this point idk why i try if this#wasn't going to affect my ability to go to uni i'd be well on my way to giving up until the ed services at the local hospital get back to m
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