#and even in uni. i graduated uni too ok? and. nobody ever told me my essays sucked.

[forgotten-daydreamer]

please do not tell me you like how i write, because i will inevitably think i'm decent at it and think i'm worth appreciating

[huangsilks]

let your walls down for me (z.cl)

summary: worries about university, SATs, and moving away weighed heavily like a burden on your shoulders. one thing you knew for sure, though, was that your friendship with him wouldn’t falter, and you found solace in that.

pairing: bestfriend!chenle x reader

genre: hurt/comfort, fluff

a/n: hhHHH this is my first actual fic and i’m not v satisfied djsjdjjfjd but i enjoyed writing it and that’s the thing that matters!! if anyone is reading this rn and wants to be friends: hi! i’m cam! i wanna make more friends 🥺 👉🏻👈🏻

“you look like actual shit.” bestfriend!chenle snickers at you, a cheeky grin adorning his features as he pays close attention to the messy side bangs that fell into your face and uniform tie that was thrown on lopsidedly. you roll your eyes as he meets you on the sidewalk in front of your house, the same sidewalk you two had met each morning since second grade. chenle reaches out his hand and brushes your fallen locks behind your ears, chuckling at your irritated expression as you swat his hand away.

“well maybe if someone didn’t keep me up all night playing pubg, i would’ve woken up to my alarm.” you playfully side-eye him, knowing full well that your disheveled state was upon his insistence. flashbacks rang in your head from the night prior, a full seven hours of your life spent gaming that you’d never get back. considering you two would be uni students in just the next year, your sleep schedule was horrendous.

“we need to get more sleep than we do. you know that sleep deprivation is bad for adolescent brain development?” you nag.

“okay, okay. mom.” chenle disregards your light scolding, draping his arm over your shoulders nonchalantly. chenle was naturally a touchy person, even when you guys were little, so you were used to everything at this point— the hand-holding, the back-hugging, the general invasion of space when it came to him. admittedly, you weren’t the biggest fan of skinship, but zhong chenle was always an exception. he did it so often that people thought you two dated (not that you minded).

“your brain is so underdeveloped because you never sleep.” you tease, and he immediately feigns an overdramatic look of hurt, pushing you away from him. you beamed at his comical response. his orange locks radiated in the early morning light, and the up-turned corners of his lips stretch into a shit-eating grin.

“say that to me the next time you ask for calculus help, dipshit.” he mocks, and you stand on your tip-toes to ruffle up his hair, messing up the tangerine coloured locks (although he managed to still look good).

chenle sticks his tongue out at you, putting his arm back on your shoulder the way it was before. you were all smiles at his affectionate nature. a comfortable ambience fell over the two of you, as you basked in the undisturbed sunrise and yielded to the peaceful routine of walking to school.

“so have you asked bora to be your prom date, yet?” you inquired your best friend. jang bora was a good friend of yours both since elementary.

“it’s only the first day of senior year, it’s too early to ask her. what about you? find anyone you’d wanna go with?”

“no, not really. maybe i’ll just go alone.” you complained, scratching the back of your head. it wasn’t that you didn’t want to go, but nobody in particular really caught your eye.

“c’mon, don’t be like that. i know so many guys who would love to be your date, y/n.” chenle leaned in a little closer to whisper in your ears, “and i heard a rumour that park jisung wants to ask you.” he teases you with his gummy grin, a sparkle in his eye meant only for you.

“i don’t think so, chenle.” you shake off his mischievous laughter, holding back a smile of your own. “i think he’s more interested in you than me.” you add subconsciously.

“hey, if it makes you feel any better, you can be my date if bora rejects me. deal?”

“wow, chenle, i just love being your second choice.” you sardonically joke.

it was early autumn, and the typically mediocre scenery of your neighborhood seemed almost picturesque today. the muted orange hues of the fallen leaves perfectly complimented chenle’s bright ginger hair, a byproduct of some mindless bet he lost during summer. you swore that orange hair would look revolting on anyone; but he was zhong chenle, and zhong chenle looked good in everything. you still recalled the self-satisfied cackles chenle made at your widened eyes, because what the hell, chenle? how do you look that good with orange hair?

morning walks with chenle were always a safe haven for you two. all pressures to be considered ‘popular’ or ‘cool’ were reserved for the rest of the day, with other schoolmates and friends, but never with eachother. you liked starting your days off with him, opting to simply enjoy eachother’s presence rather than bombarding eachother with too much talk and mental stimulation at such an early hour. it was in these moments that you two could be at peace with yourselves.

you sigh in contentment at the foreign breeze, recognizing the first sign of autumn. to you, the messy escapades of summer— driving around in chenle’s car during the ungodliest of hours, blasting 80s rock music with the windows down so that the wind would seep into your hair— these events seemed so distant and long-gone. an image of two teenagers huddled haphazardly under a thick blanket, a twitch streamer on the laptop being the only source of light, chewing on shitty leftover pizza as you two struggled to stay awake—these were memories of a hazy dream you’d try so hard to remember. recollections of sandy flip-flops, overly competitive volleyball games, and cloud-watching at the beach, with chenle’s orange head in your lap as he dreamt lazily, airpods in his ears and sunscreen on his nose. these all were snapshots frozen in time. a time that felt lightyears away from the present, a time you’d try so hard to hold onto.

because now, it was the first day of senior year, and everything would be changing. the hustle and bustle of ap classes, sports games, student council, part-time jobs, and the pretense of a social life always kept both you and chenle on your feet. nothing would ever be the same in a few months, as the never-ending questions about university would loom over everyone, the topics of scholarships and SATs and moving away constantly being thrown around. it was all so overwhelming, so burdensome. one thing you knew for sure, though, was that your friendship with chenle wouldn’t falter, and you found solace in that alone.

you were zhong chenle’s best friend since second grade — he was intelligent, charismatic, well-rounded, and widely popular towards the entirety of the school. he assumed the role of student council treasurer, the soccer team’s infamous right midfielder, and subject to much talk amongst the females in your highschool. but with you, he was just zhong chenle, the sweet boy who moved in two doors down from you when you were 9. there was no facade your eyes couldn’t see past.

“hey, y/n?” chenle begins, and you glance up at him next to you, peering through your eyelashes. “can i ask you, like, a serious question?” you nod at your best friend, caught off gaurd by the sudden question.

“does the future ever scare you?” he ponders nervously. you pause in your steps, thinking of the right words to say. chenle looks at his feet, avoiding your eye contact.

“well, whether we like it or not, the future is going to happen, right? and i don’t think there’s any point in fearing the inevitable. the best we can do is try adjust to the changes and enjoy the ride.” you admit, honestly. and if you were anyone else, chenle might’ve laughed at the cheesy answer, might’ve made a joke about how you made everything too serious and tried to lighten the situation. but it was you, and he could trust you with anything.

“but y/n. everything is going to change in a few months. there’s final exams, graduation, and prom. but after that, it’s all just a jumble of ambiguous what-ifs. nothing is assured anymore. i never told you this, but i might have to move away for my soccer scholarship. i’ve never lived away from home and i don’t... i don’t think i can handle it. it’s too much all at once.”

his sudden rant of emotion was laced with anxiety and stress. you instinctively take his larger hand into yours, feeling how shaky and clammy they had become. you knew it took a lot out of him to finally admit those words to you.

“i know how you feel, chenle. but you’re strong. you’ve handled everything life has thrown at you, every single time. you can handle this, too.”

“but— but what if i never come back? the thought of losing everything and everyone scares me, so much.... i can’t imagine my life without you in it.”

his anxious words drifted into the autumn wind, ringing through your mind like a mantra. zhong chenle constantly tried so hard to be perceived as perfect and flawless to the whole world, that sometimes it was shocking when he let his walls come down to you. you don’t respond at first, not sure what to say to his vulnerable confession; so you don’t respond immediately, and instead, you took his face into your hands and stared him in the eyes, feeling the warmth and softness of his skin. you hold out your arms and wrap them around his taller frame, saying nothing for a few moments. you two were silent during this intimate time. when you pulled back, his surprised eyes were filled with tears.

“i know you, zhong chenle. you will get through this. and plus, i’ll never leave your side. it’s always going to be you and me, ok? wherever you go.” you assure him, beaming optimistically. and you meant every word.

he blinked away the tears and laughed, “thank you, y/n, for being my best friend. thank you for staying with me all these years... i love you.” his words left you taken aback. in all your years of friendship, chenle never told you he loved you. you wiped his tears away with your sleeve and laughed at his sad expression.

“awww, i love you too, you dummy. you know that right? now stop crying, you look like a baby.”

chenle snakes his arms around your waist and pinches your sides, sending a tickle jolting up your body. you slap his forearm as he chortles jubilantly in response.

“ow! nevermind, i take it back. i totally hate you.” you mock.

(you love him. very, very much).

he holds your hand all the way to school, and you know that wherever life brought you two in the following months, despite the anxious discussions on university and scholarships and moving away, zhong chenle would always be yours.

[cyanpeacock]

that comic is big hueg mood and i value it a lot.

mental illness really isn’t about “oh just be thankful for what you CAN do!”

it’s sometimes (always?) about “i know i’m capable of doing Even Better, if i just had some help! i’m not well! i’m thankful every day that i’m not worse, but it fucking burns me to know how much better i COULD be doing with more support!!”

and if you appear to be high-functioning, even if that level is like, abysmal compared to what you know your mind and body would actually be capable of in better circumstances, you sort of get... abandoned? like, “oh, that one is doing well enough.” and seeking out the necessary support to improve your functioning level requires SO much time and energy that it is literally killing people. 

like i have so many suicide attempts i can’t count them under my belt. i’ve got self harm scars on every limb and they number, like... well, it’s in the hundreds, for sure. i’ve got no IRL social network. a lot of my daily energy goes on regulating emotions and processing trauma. i can’t drive, i can assemble some food sometimes but can’t reliably cook, etc etc.

and because i’m in university - still there by sheer force of will, because this is the ONLY thing that might land me in reasonable comfort in the future - and not in trouble with the school, i’ve been written off again and again by mental health services. it’s always, “come back in six months,” or “here’s a referral for a 12-week group, in two years’ time,” and “oh, has it been two months? i’m sorry, we haven’t got around to allocating you a community psychiatric nurse yet” 

i’m here like, what... the fuck? i feel like, it’s been assumed i’m a person of average ability, with minor problems, and i can just Get On With It. when actually, i’m well aware i’m a person of exceptional academic ability, with really quite significant social, emotional, and mental health problems, particularly like... in terms of trust. and it makes me fucking furious, and at times ashamed, that i’m coming up to 22 years old, my secondary school peers are graduating, and i’m only just going into second year. i was ahead of my peers for So Long. i should still be there. but because nobody believes i need fucking help, i’m getting delayed more and fucking more!!! it burns me!!!!!

like, of course i can fucking Get On With It. that’s all i CAN do, it’s my Priority, My Degree Is My Life This Secures A Future I Could Accept. i can learn semantic information without ever fucking touching my trust/interpersonal issues. and i don’t think anybody just skimming my case notes can grasp how much this fucking course means to me, how much sheer fucking aggression i’ve had to channel to get here, to stay here.

like they don’t see how i haul myself out of my apartment when i’m fucking suicidal to show to the lectures. how I take notes from the lecture recordings for every. single. lecture. i miss because i’m too exhausted or overwhelmed to make it to the hall. how i never chat in the lab because i’m scared as hell and have to get into a mindset that goes I’m Here To Fucking Learn Not To Make Friends, although i’d really like to make friends. how exam revision takes priority to the exclusion of eating and sleeping, how I have to set myself timers and force myself to eat and sleep, how my walls get covered in webs and webs of colourful revision post-it notes and i spend hours and hours arranging them Perfectly so i can remember the whole thing as a 3D spatial map inside my brain. how i give myself eyestrain and migraines from staring at books and screens for so long, how i don’t fucking wash myself, or clean my apartment, or say a word to anyone but myself for days or weeks. how i’m so fucking hurt that it took me two years to do first year, how i’m having to go part time for second year. like, this is not healthy learning. this is, I’m Going To Die If I Don’t Cling The FUCK On To This Opportunity, This Lucky Fucking Break That Is Going To Save My Life. and i’m NOT fucking giving it up. 

they don’t seem to see that AT THE SAME TIME i’ve been off on my fucking own learning and practicing DBT skills, how i taught myself to meditate when my mind is still screaming Kill Yourself Kill Yourself Kill Yourself, how i’ve been seeing a private counsellor who i can’t afford from the wallet but who i have to afford so i don’t try to kill myself even more fucking often. how i’ve been looking around to try and find like, a faith that might give me more reason to keep fighting, how i do all that shit like taking walks in nature and working out and maintaining a good sleep schedule, and yet, i’m Still Not Well. 

like here i am with the SAME trauma spinning around my head and the SAME terror of social situations and the SAME goddamn increasing fear every time i push myself to “just join a group!! just talk to people!! it gets easier the more you do it!!!”

that’s the FUCKING PROBLEM! i’m DOING all the easy shit, all the “just make lifestyle changes! :) x”!!!!!!! there is still shit that gets HARDER the more i do it!!!!!!! i get MORE anxious and MORE scared and MORE defensive and MORE avoidant the more i push myself to Just Talk To People and the better somebody knows me, because the more they know, the more they have to use as a fucking weapon! this is why I shut down and say “Oh you know I’m okay :)” in my fucking appointments!!!! because they send me to SO MANY different people, who BARELY skim my case notes, and i have no opportunity to develop enough trust with them to tell them the whole truth! which is, “dude, i feel like shit. i’m behind where i Should be given my age and ability. i have no friends, i’m terrified of people who start to get to know me. i’m constantly trying to process trauma, but it’s always the same pain, and then i remember something else painful, and it’s all more fucked up the older i get, and there’s a limit to what i can do about this alone, and i’m overwhelmed. i’m used to it, because i’ve been living this way for so fucking long, but i’m furious, because you people should have KEPT me from getting used to living like this. and i Don’t. Want. To Live. This. Way. Forever.” 

they haven’t even given me the fucking opportunity to build ANY significant, long-term therapeutic relationship with ANY NHS mental health practitioner. i haven’t seen anybody for more than like, three appointments, except my goddamn private counsellor, who is a blessing and lets me pay him in artwork when the cash runs out. and he always looks so angry and disappointed that the NHS are doing so fucking little for me, but never that way in me, which i have seen from so-called mental health “professionals,” including crisis team workers, on the NHS. 

like, the last time i saw a psychiatrist, he had a face on him like NBC’s Hannibal fucking Lecter and he said word-for-word “I don’t think there’s anything I can do for you.” what kind of fucking health professional comes out with shit like THAT? and shortly after that appt I got increasingly unstable, went psychotic, trashed my apartment, tried to commit suicide again, then spent all my fucking money running all over the country and ended up here, in a flat in halls my uni are paying for while i bit-by-bit clean up my apartment, alone because i don’t trust anybody else to touch MY THINGS, until it’s livable again.

i think i’m gonna print a lot of these recent text posts and take them to my case review. i’ve always been too ashamed to take anything significant that i write to Brain Appointments, because, like... well. mother is to blame for that. “melodramatic/theatrical/overemotional/I think you’re just tired/making things up/imagining things” and so on. and the fact that when it was found out by my school i was self harming and they told her, shit got so much worse at home. like, that pretty effectively taught me Hide Everything Or You’ll Be Punished, Even By People Who Say They’re Just Trying To Help You. 

man, seriously, fuck this shit. fuck this shit. fuck how hard i’m having to fight for this. fuck all this terror and aggression, sure I can pilot the ship on fear and fury, but i wanna pilot it just like, gently, with love and enthusiasm. i’ve been finding ways to start doing that, alone. but this whole, social stuff? i can’t do that alone. the social space inside my head is healthier, i’m not screaming and fighting with the voices, or constantly blocking them out with music and drugs and trances, but Other Bodies? i need help with Other Bodies.

ok im getting a headache so it’s time to call this post Done

[brvckin-blog]

in all forms except physical i can write an intro, know that ( ! ) i’m mikhia, you can call me mikki if you want tho idc lmao, i’m eighteen, and i live my life by the word of park sooyoung. in her name we pray, amen! i’m always tryna come up with some kind of witty intro but LMAO that never happens and probs never will so this is it.......... this is what y’all get! if you wanna plot then read this shit and gimme a mf smash of that heart and i’ll hit you up! or, if you prefer plotting on d.iscord then you can find me over at YUKHEI’S WHITE GIRL LAUGH #5355 just like tell me who you are when i add you!

▶ BASIC INFORMATION

breckin rhee isn’t as innocent as he seems. on the outside they’re just another twenty-one year old junior who’s looking to get through college with a degree in biology, but let me be the first to tell you there’s more than meets the eye. although they were ingrid’s party buddy, they were the one who held her still while she was bound and gagged. hopefully nobody finds out what they did!

▶ BULLET POINT BACKGROUND

the following overview contains triggering topics such as abuse, drug use, manipulation, and murder. if any of these topics make you uncomfortable then please click away as your well being is a lot more important than the background of my character. however, just as an fyi, none of the topics are talked about in depth, just more-so mentioned!

growing up it was just breckin and his dad living in a big, isolated house at the end of a road where no one really cared to get to know one another. he never knew what happened to his mom, but he also never asked. him and his dad didn’t have the kind of relationship for that; him and his dad were never close enough to have personal conversations.

the two of them only spoke a handful of words to each other by the time the boy was ten and had been completely raised by a nanny. but then everything changed when she just didn’t show up one day and his dad decided to play the role of a parent for once. and, just like with his mom, he had no idea what happened to his former parental figure.

he was shit at it (go figure) and constantly yelled at breckin, even pushing him around and smashing his toys just cause he felt like it. he didn’t understand what he had ever done wrong and a part of him thought that this was just how every parent treated their child.

when he was twelve, he ended up finding an old camcorder and instantly fell in love with filming everything around him. it all looked so beautiful through a lens; untainted. but he was young and kids can be dumb. he ended up recording over one of the tapes inside and when his dad found out, he completely lost it.

apparently breckin had taped over an old home video of his mom, one that his dad watched frequently, and it became the catalyst for events that would change his life forever. it was the first time his dad was ever physically abusive towards him.

he doesn’t really have much memory of the event, but he does remember being at the top of the stairs filming before everything went black. he found out later that his dad had pushed him down the stairs, but it was ruled an accident and he was put back into his care after he healed.

things only got worse from there with his dad constantly telling him that he was a monster, that no one would ever love him, and that no one would care if he died. these things clawed their way down his throat and found a home in his lungs until he felt like he could no longer breathe.

as he got older and a little colder, he started fighting back and it ended up just being a big brawl between him and his dad all the time. they would literally beat the shit out of each other multiple times a week until, suddenly, it all stopped when he was sixteen.

his dad remarried and the woman brought in two younger children. then, suddenly, his dad was someone else entirely. it was like the bitter old man had been replaced by the most wholesome being in the world. he acted like a completely different person and it pissed breckin off. but it also inspired him in a way; it changed his outlook on the world around him entirely.

so he changed his personality too, became the picture perfect son who played sports and got good grades. he held up his image well, but the monster his father always told him he was never went away. it just waited under his facade until the perfect time to strike.

it was after his first real girlfriend that he decided he liked hurting people. he liked breaking their hearts because it made him feel like a god. he was the perfect boyfriend, dating girls and boys and anyone that was dumb enough to fall for his tricks. he would make sure that he was all they thought about, that they were sure they were in love with him, and then he would rip the rug right out from under them.

nothing made him happier than watching them cry and beg him not to do this. they looked so ugly and broken and he couldn’t think of anything more beautiful. he liked seeing people at their most vulnerable, got off on humiliating them.

it was around that same time that he also got into drugs, cocaine specifically, and it helped to perk him up; it helped to make him not look so dead inside. he was a great actor, but the eyes are the window to the soul and his held nothing inside.

with his new life planned out, breckin made the decision to go to college and major in biology with the hopes of getting into med school and becoming a doctor like his father. in some weird way, it was almost like he wanted to be just like him, to show him that he was only monster because of him.

it was at his high school graduation that he found out what really happened to his mother when she suddenly showed up trying to act like everything was ok. in his mind, he had already come to terms with her death, deciding that his father more than likely killed her. but the truth hurt a whole lot more. she had just left........ left him with a monster who didn’t love him. and, not only that, but she had a whole new family with two children (his half siblings) and one of them was even close to him in age. it enraged him and, so, the next morning he cut the brake line in her car and killed her off permanently. she was dead to him so dead she would stay.

when he left for uni, he constructed a backstory where he was the son of a pastor who graduated as valedictorian and blushed when complimented. none of that was true, but it didn’t matter. everyone would believe him and would never question it so it didn’t matter.

at freshman orientation, he found his first victim and really set everything back into motion. he began dating anyone and everyone before ultimately cheating on them, and breaking their hearts in the worst possible way all while holding up his perfect little persona until the end.

it was a cruel game, but he was able to keep others quiet about who he really was either through blackmail or through them being so humiliated that they left school and moved away.

over the years though as he’s gotten busier and has gotten closer to graduating, he’s really been too exhausted to keep up his facade as much so he’s basically half himself and half good church goin boy lmao!

▶ LIST OF SECRETS 

obviously no one knows about these (unless we’ve plotted something out surrounding them) so keep these to your ooc self beetch! i honestly just wanted to throw ‘em down here because my memory is shit!

breckin plans on going to med school after graduation so, in preparation for becoming a doctor down the road, he will oftentimes practice on willing peers who are looking for a little extra cash.

he has a weird obsession with death but, more specifically, what comes after. it’s something that no one knows the answer to so he has taken it upon himself to try and figure it out. how, you ask? think flatliners. he hooks himself (and other people occasionally) to a machine then injects them with a drug to stop their heart. they die, the two minute countdown begins, then they’re resuscitated. he’s been getting a little too brave lately though and letting himself flatline for longer periods of time.

even though those two things in particular could get him not only kicked out of school, but ruin his chances of getting into med school, there are others that would pretty much bury his entire reputation six feet under. since he was in his early teens, breckin has been living a sort of double life. he pretends to be a nice boy who only has good intentions, but he couldn’t be more opposite. he loves breaking hearts, hurting others, and humiliating them. more often than not, he dates people solely for that.

even though he doesn’t need the money, he loves attention so he started up his very own little artistic porn blog on tumblr (throw it back to when that shit was still allowed). he began when he was a freshman and has accumulated around forty thousand followers in that time. he never shows his face or anything but he posts pretty racy photos and sells pictures, videos, and audio recordings to those that are willing to pay.

breckin has a very packed schedule between studying pre-med, playing sports, and keeping up with all of his other extracurricular activities that he doesn’t find much time to do normal things like sleeping, eating, etc. this has pushed him to find other means to sustain him that mostly include divulging in various drugs of choice.

▶ POTENTIAL PLOT IDEAS

these are just barebone ideas that could and should be expanded on. but, again, they’re only ideas and i’m really open to plotting just about anything? especially if you have smth in particular that you really want filled, please don’t be afraid to come to me about it! all plots are also open to any muse of any gender!

TEAMMATE(S) — breck is really into sports (specifically more aggressive ones) so if your muse plays any such as: football, lacrosse, hockey, etc then hmu! we can do full blown rivals, playful rivals, mates who just help keep each other motivated to do their best, etc.

HALF SIBLING — if you read the background info then you’ll know that breck’s mom pretty much disappeared then showed back up with two new kids who are his half siblings. however, one of them is pretty close to his age so it’d be cool to have them around? especially considering the fact that he ended up killing their mother yikes! even though they obvs don’t know that it could make for some good writing to explore them finding it out in the future!

ROMANTIC(?) — i’m talkin fwb, exes that he’s played, one night stands, etc. considering the fact that his schedule has only gotten busier and busier, he doesn’t really have time to date around like he used to but he still has needs, damn, so essketit!

PARTY BUDDY — breck likes to party a lot and likes to get fucked up so he needs some friends who’ll humor him and who can keep up with all of his wild shenanigans.

DRUG DEALER — with the amount of shit he does (both personally and otherwise) he could keep your character completely funded himself lmao! hes got a lot of money so let his dumbass give it to you!

NEIGHBOR(S) — breck doesn’t live on campus cause fuck that hes too old for it and he hated it anyway so he lives in an apartment which means your muse? could be his neighbor idk this is super vague but we could do a lot with it just trust me!

SECRETS(?) — considering a couple of his secrets are a little out there it’d be kinda cool to have someone in on them. like, with his whole experimenting on people thing and basically killing them then bringing them back to see what they experienced ya....... could be fun literally someone gimme it!

[miru-n]

it's 3 am

and it's my annual 'damn i hate my art so much'

i always draw something and never look at it ever again after i post/scrap it because whenever i do that, i know i will hate that piece and hate myself because i'm way too critical on myself. i always notice the smallest mistake that screamed so loud right in front of my face but i can't do anything about it because

1. skill-wise i'm not capable enough to fix said mistake

2. the algorithm on social media (insta, twt) would hurt my posts when i delete a post. hell, editing a fucking caption would screw the reach of said piece

but i know so damn well no one cares or realize if they even spot the mistake that bothers me

"you care about algorithm? what, you draw to gain popularity?" not necessarilly. i've been posting my art since middle school. i was stuck on 500 followers (that half of those are 100% bots) on insta from high school until almost the end of uni year. i'm literally a nobody who scribbled lines and colors

what i want is for people to see it. like it. comment it. feel it. idk, a sign of recognition that said 'hey, your hardwork paid off!'

maybe i do want popularity

i had a lot of pieces i tore apart or scribbled out or burned or slammed my fist on my digital tools or punch the wall till it hurt me physically because how unsatisfied i was with them

but i've learned not to degrade my own art like that around 3rd semester of uni because a lecturer told me that kind of view is toxic and will never help me grow both as an artist and as a person. i would love to thank her for that haha. i still got that tendency to not look at my art after i post/scrapped them still. but i've slowly grown out from that point i think

until today when those same feeling came back and slap me in the fucking face because i decide to look at my art that i posted and scrapped over and over. a mistake on my end honestly

how the fuck did I feel satisfied from this shit. i can see so many mistakes. a spot that i forgot to erase. a spot i forgot to color. a spot i forgot to draw, even tho those details are on the sketch version already but i still manage to forgot about it. a spot this, a spot that

it's painful

and it's even more painful because i can't just stop drawing

it's genuinely the only thing that brings me joy. it's one of my coping mechanism. it's the only skill i have. it's the only thing i've spend my entire life on. hell, i graduated from an art uni for fuck's sake.

i hate myself for feeling this way

but i'll probably forgot about all of this rambling i wrote the next morning like how i always forgot my other problems until it finally slap me again in the future

anyway i feel better from writing this lmao to whoever read this, you poor soul. i'm so sorry for dumping this into your face. but thank you for taking your time to read this nonsense

'why tf u post this then' lol idk. me in the morning or the future will probably say that as well and then delete this. or not because i forgot about it entirely

i hope you'll never experience this feeling. ok nite

[mnovenia]

A GLIMPSE OF HEAVEN 

When was the last time you feel like butterflies are flying inside your stomach? When was the last time you realize that you are valueble, you accomplish something great, you belong somewhere? How do you feel when you know that you are ACCEPTED?

March 22nd, 2017 - The Day I Will Never Forget, I received an email:

Dear Marshella,

thank you for you application for the MIBM programme at Hanze UAS! We have checked your application file and we are pleased to inform you that you can be fully accepted. You will receive the letter of acceptance shortly, 

We look forward to welcoming you to Hanze UAS coming September!

You can prepare your StuNed application, please let us know if you need any documents for it.

Please let me know if you have any questions.

Kind regards, Ekaterina Gurchenkova Enrolment Officer Master Programmes Member of the Admissions Committee Hanze University of Applied Sciences, Groningen Mobile/WhatsApp: +31 6 519 549 62 International Business School www.hanze.nl/ibs

After a long time waiting for something like this to happen, God finally reveal His direction for me. The first attempt to pursue a higher level of education was already popped up a long time ago. When I was an undergrad student, I went to see my professor for finalizing my thesis. His name is Prof. John JOI Ihallaw. He’s kind hearted, professional, heart-warming and respectful to everyone, simply the one that students look up to. He told me about his experience of getting a degree from a reputable university in the US, through a scholarship programme by President Suharto. It’s still vivid in my mind, right in his room, building F, morning time, I promise myself, one day I will also tell my story to people that God also enable me to go and pursue a higher education abroad. Not only Prof JOI, my favorite lecture Pak Radit also shared his story of him being granted a scholarship to pursue his education in Canada.

I have no idea how to turn that promise into reality, where should I look, who can help me, and so on.. Graduating from undergrad study, I tend to look for a job so I don’t need to depend on my parent’s monthly allowance anymore. I applied to go to Singapore, it’s failed and cost a lot of money. So I continue to work, while sending my friends one by one to the airport, because they got to go to London, Birmingham, Shanghai, etc to pursue a higher education.

I wish I could join them, but I burried all the envious feeling and jealousy deep in my heart, I just didn’t want to add more burden to my parents, it was all just seemed impossible, and so I just want to be independent at the first place. 

2013, my mother changed her job to a company in which the boss said he wanted to support my mom to send her children to go abroad for study. I was so excited, I was looking for so many school options and trying to apply. I finally being brave to tell few people that I actually have a deep longing to go back to school. But then, few months later, my family experienced the hardest time of our life. My mom lost her job, we sell most of our belongings, I got to sell my saving in a form of gold in order to pay my mom’s debt because she didn’t even receive her last salary. Looking for a high paid job for my mom’s age was not easy at all. Even after she found a new job, it was hard for her, she was very sick then we figured out that she had cancer. And we can’t save her..

Me and the whole family was hit to the very core bottom during those year. Never in my mind to stop and thinking about my dreams, it was all shattered. All I was thinking w just how to continue this life, without the anchor of my family, how to adjust my life by being a mom to my brother, a care taker for my father, self comforter by preaching to myself that it’s all gonna be okay, and life goes on. On the other side, this situation also force me to work harder because now I’m not only responsible to my own self, but I also have to support my longtime jobless father and newbie employee brother at that time. 

Going through all these reminds me that God is the only provider of all things exist in this world, He takes and gives away. According to His plan. 

Juggling through family problems, financial resource, health issues, church, ministry, social life and responsibility somehow made me feel lonely in this road. Like literally. While a Godly man sent by God is still somewhere in the corner, these routines bore me somehow.

Changing job doesn’t seem inviting, until January 2016, on a church retreat, God opened my eyes. I met lots of great people, they’re open minded, confident, and so put together. I look up to them, a lot, most of them are graduated from various reputable universities. At that time I was wearing a hoodie, given by Michelle, stated: “Penn State University”. Everytime she’s going home, if she asked what I want her to bring, I always said something small from university that you happen to visit. Simply because those things are what I value the most. I always wanted to wear one of those things as if I’m an alumni, yet I’m not. But when I wore it, two persons slap me on the face. One said: ‘Hmm, Penn State? Did you go there?’ (i’m ok with him since he’s a foreigner and probably just want open up a conversation), second one said: ‘whose hoodie are you wearing?’ (I was so embarrassed, she looked down to me and I know, because nobody ever thought I’d ever be able to be an alumni of such reputable university, simply because I didn’t get a chance to study overseas like them). Never mind, ignore my over sensitive pride and anger.

Anyway long short story, I knew this one guy was graduated from HU, he’s so kind, well behaved, smart and just basically adorable. Deep in my heart I always want to be compatible to talk to someone like him. Till I read his blog and it renewed my faith, there is still a man like this in this strange world. He came from a usual family but he’s faithful to God and he’s given open door to study all over the world with tons of achievements. For me it’s like: I want to grow up like him. 

I started to remember again about my childhood dreams and convicted that it’s not too late to start living up that dreams again, one of those is to study overseas. How? Thankful for opportunities and scholarships available in my country, and when I look back? My educational background is not bad at all. So first step that I did is taking TOEFL test. I was rushing because I wanted to follow LPDP’s timeline. I studied in between work (mostly I spent few hours after work at office) ministry at church, arranging different events, and so on then I managed to take the test on March 2016.

In between of family drama that cause me to sell my investment (gold) to cover my family’s fraud, and using my coworker’s credit card to pay for the test (thanks Tjung Mega). It was a great time to spent at home, with my father, without internet, away from my routine, and being treated like little girl again. And when I took the test at Vista Bandung, it feels so awesome. I met plenty of people from all over places, taking test for the sake of pursuing their dreams, and I feel so very accomplished because simple I DID IT, after a long hours of enduring the study, stress, worry and fear but well, thank God for the opportunity, I was like don’t mind at all to sell my belongings for taking TOEFL test :’)

I was waiting till I decided which school should I register, my hope LDPD was gone, I couldn’t make it on schedule. Then I interacted with a Alfan Rezani which I know from Indonesia Mengglobal. I was hesitate but his email reply after reply somehow give me hope. When the time was due, I hesitate still to send my application. I remember that christmas/new year time at Michelle’s house, I was so confused, stressed, under pressured and have no peace at all. One thing I know of, I didn’t pray for this matter because I was afraid that this was just a selfish desire. So basically that shows how I rely on my own strength.

And then I found out for the first time that I can’t bear any longer. All the pressure I put to myself, about my future school, relationship with Sam and different expectations, caused me being hospitalized for the first time in my life.

After I went out of the hospital, I dare myself to just submit my halfway school application to Aarhus University, simply because I received a deadline reminder. Then I watched Lalaland movie that made me so proud because I dared myself to submit an application, finally, one very small step but yet I found it was brave enough HAHA. Behind the story: of course I wouldn’t be able to pay the app fee which cost me around 70 euro and so I asked my coworker’s credit card again (thanks Juned), and promise him to pay in installment for 3 months. I was waiting, hoping for any answer from AU then finally an email came and they asked me for course description of my previous study. With another drama, it was so hard to get the document from my old uni, that cause another headache (thanks Nongky for all the help). After I submitted the additional document, I didn’t reallyy remember what’s going on. Suddenly it’s a day after my birthday. I was still celebrating myself here and there, and on March 2nd, 2017 I opened an email from Aarhus University: (my heart was pounding like crazy, I said God, this email can either change my life because I get to go to Denmark or the opposite) and it said:

Application to Economics and Business Administration - International Economic Consulting, summer intake rejected due to lack of qualifications

I couldn’t remember how I handle the feeling In my life, I didn’t receive many rejections. Applying for jobs, schools, even to be friend with someone, I was mostly got accepted. I processed this rejection in a poor way. I was just trying to be strong, tell myself that it’s ok, the world is still going round, I tried so hard to not see God as a bad provider, and of course, I didn’t tell anyone about it.

Trying to handle that myself caused me a bad bad anxiety problem, I got so insecured, I lost my confidence and kind of lack of appettite to do anything. Different celebrations that people made for my birthday didn’t even help, until poured this to Michelle and she prayed for me she listened to me and cooked for me. She’s truly a God-sent friend.

March 12, 2017

It’s a day after my mom’s birthday, she supposed to turn 57 if she’s still alive.

I was at my bedroom on Saturday night. I was tempted to watch something bad but turned out that I saw a scholarship page from Nuffic Neso, about Stuned, Orang Tulip Scholarship, NFP, etc. I was interested because it hasn’t due, I mean, I still have time to apply. I scroll back and forth, I asked God which one which one, I downloaded few brochures from different uni, until I don’t know why I register to Hanze University of Applied Sciences (the possible due date maybe is the reasone why). And: DANG, it’s due in a week after I accidentally registered myself. 

Dear Marshella, We thank you for applying for one of the study programmes offered by Hanze University of Applied Sciences, Groningen (Hanze UAS). Hanze UAS has assigned you the Student number 373079. Please mention this number when communicating with Hanze UAS, so we are able to assist you better. I knew that I have to submit my full application before March 19th, which I know I’ll be away to my hometown for my bestfriend’s bridalshower. I was like why God why that date, I knew I would be so busy preparing everything, but it means I have to submit before March 17th because I can’t do that from Bandung.

Of course with a touch of Michelle’s help I managed to submit online, I was ready to pay for another application fee charge, I was just don’t care because I see an open door, I have peace in my heart and I know God was alongside me and make the universe conspires to help me. The last thing I have to do is to click ‘submit your application’, and then THAT’s ALL. Hanze UoA didn’t ask for application fee, PRAISE PRAISE to the almighty God.

Around 5 days after I submit, I was at my office and doing regular email check then I found that Hanze UoA has accepting me as one of their student!! I shared the news with my LCG Amel, Michelle, Nongky, Juni and Ci Sisca.

Then I thought, what now? I just need to figure out how to pay and what kind of scholarship I can apply. In the midst of so many things, I managed to apply to Stuned (a bit tight, again because it’s due before my long-awaited trip to Coldplay concert in Singapore). Again Michelle help me and Juni gave me her cousin’s contact to help me for my application. I asked Cheri, Kara who went through the same situation. It enhances my knowledge but still I didn’t know what to expect, I am afraid if I put too much expectations, but I don’t want to be hopeless and not trusting God for this matter. 

To be honest, I doubt myself too, there are so many greater people out there that deserve this scholarship. But it also hurts to think of ‘why not me’, is it because I am half chinese? My life is not miserable enough? My so-so job? And many other things that can hinder me to believe that I deserve a scholarship, to be able to find fund for my master degree, to trust that if God gave me this desire and He doesn’t just give to take it away again. But one thing I’m sure of, if He wants me to go, He will make a way, and He will open the door no matter how people and even myself won’t :)

Jeremiah 29:11-14  For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord,

Amsal 23: 18  Karena masa depan sungguh ada,dan harapanmu tidak akan hilang.