#i Need to set up that fucking therapy appt lmao

[aro-carpenter]

Augh

[levelfivegay]

so literally nobody asked but heres how my day went 

wwwwwwwwwwhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttttttttttttttttttt the fuckckcckckkkkkkkkkkkkkkk  honestly. started normal. got my tired gay ass outta bed at 5, went to school at 6. 0 hour went by fine. took a quiz on heart of darkness, died a little inside, but about halfway through i was hit by Fucking Waves of the McDepression(tm) feel. So again, started normal.

 first hour tho,,,,,, jesus fuck???? hate that class. Its AP calc AB, so its fucking hard. I get by, i understand pretty much everything we do though. I get good grades on the mock tests we take, but i do no work. absolutely nothing. i rarely do any work at all if im being honest. im always out of it, im literally constantly consumed by the urge to jump in front of a car, i cant force myself to do anything. ive convinced myself nothing i do is important anymore because i wont be alive long enough to benefit from it (yikes lmao i know).

 so i do nothing and have a solid fucking F in that class. we took a quiz and worked on a packet. along the way i get asked a problem about fucking derivatives and i had the right answer but i stutter when explaining it and i literally get fucking sympathy pats (actual physical pats. they may not have been that passive aggressive but i hate physical contact and overanalyze everything and get mad) because poor stupid fucking jillian right?  

 but anyways  at the end in the idle 3 minutes the teacher gave us, she came up to me to confront me about my grade. she told me its an... Issue and she thought i knew more than my grade reflected which... i guess. she asked what was going on and of course whenever someone asks whats wrong i go into Breakdown Mode, like somebody drilled a fucking hole in a shitty dam. i look away from her and say i “just have a lot going on right now and i cant focus on that” and she asks me to try harder (this was when i started tearing my nails off and holding my breath so i wouldnt actually cry in front of the entire class) and to come in after school next week. so i agree and  before i can fucking book it she tells me she has to call my parents. so the bell rings and i grab my shit and fucking motor, going blue in the face holding back a breakdown.

the walk down that hallway out of the building has literally never been harder. i left my friends behind and turned my music as loud as possible to catch my breath and clear my face before i go outside to walk with another friend. i... kind of succeeded? bc he didnt say anything. so we went to class and i was distracting myself with shitty jokes and bad coloring and he says we should leave after that hour, so i get my mom to call me out and we leave and get food.

and when i got home, i immediately checked the receiver and deleted the teachers message.

but god damn.

i was such a wreck when she was talking to me. how the fuck do you lightly say that the reason you didnt do your math homework was because you were curled up thinking about all the ways you could kill youself in the next three minutes and who youd have to address in your suicide note????? what the fuck????

honestly im this fucked up mixture of angry and depressed. ive asked my parents three times now for fucking therapy. i need someone to talk to. i fu cking need someone to actually talk to who i wont be paranoid about worrying with all my shit. someone who actually kind of wants to hear what i want to say to help or is at least a little obligated to. what kind of parents three times dont help their kid get help? what the fuck. if my kid could work up the courage to ask me for an appt with a therapist or psychiatrist, id hop all over that shit real fast. lists of therapists in the area covered by our insurance, discussions of what they want out of it, schedules, get them set up asap. but here we are. seven months later. wow. 

lmao life just that way isnt it tho lol. crazy innit. someone hit me with a car.