#i NEED more stuff/songs/etc with the vibe of this song holy shit

[astralzeraphias]

she said, “strangle me instead,

your hands, i want around my neck.”

[cryptiqish]

some quick thoughts on nerdy prudes must die

first off - this is 100% a return to form for starkid for me. tgwdlm was like. lighting in a bottle but i really, really am not a fan of black friday - so i dipped after that, and never really looked into nightmare time etc. as i'm not super into the hatchetfield eldritch lore stuff - honestly, i figured i was aging out of it. THAT SAID. holy shit. npmd is brilliant

every single goddamn song is a banger. every one. it's so rare for me to like everything at least to a little bit, but when i can interchange my entire top 5 you know it's brilliant. high school is killing me, nerdy prudes must die, dirty girl, hatchet town...all top tier starkid in general. up there w tgwdlm

angela giarratana and will branner steal this entire show. absolutely insane stuff from both of them. will in particular...oh man. it's his show and you just KNOW it

oh shit!!! oh fuck!!!! i didnt think thered be a skele'uhn here... im so fucking scared of skele'uhnz!!!

it's FUNNY

i <3 the weird anime nerd kid. rip king

jon's vocals and just. general range in this is amazing to see from tgwdlm

 i will say i wish this maintained the more straight slasher vibe of the first act all the way through but that’s just personal preference since i'm less into the overarching eldritch lore stuff as mentioned. with that in mind though, i didn't find the lords in black stuff as jarring as i thought i would (and the summoning's a banger) - so it works narratively. i think at the end of the day i prefer my standalone shows - not everything needs to be an extended universe - so i was pleasantly surprised at how relatively well this could function as its own thing.

following that - i think this is the closest starkid's gotten to like, off-broadway quality - with plot modifications i could 100% see it making the jump. the production quality - of both the musical itself and the proshot, is amazing - everything pops, it's incredibly polished and just looks brilliant (again, such a step up from BF.)

shoutout to the costume design in particular. top tier work again. ghost max looked crazy good.

for something that in actuality didn't get a lot of focus...can’t stop thinking about how the whole max jagerman grace chastity dynamic is like the absolute HARDEST thing to randomly come out of starkid. the implicit themes had absolutely no right to go that hard!!!! it’s a silly horror comedy!

devout repressed christian and a boy that thinks he’s god. and then she deals with the first sign of sexual attraction to him by killing him??

and then his ghost comes back for vengeance, viewing it as divine justice - and then she ends the musical enacting her own vengeful divine justice?? straight up with modified reprise of his song?? they’re one and the same?? the prayer motif???

“will you pray for me / when i’m gone / or is this the eternal dark without a dawn” and “who will pray for you / when your body’s gone” is like the rawest motif of all time and it’s in the same musical that has an ten minute long barbecue joke sequence unrelated to the plot

nothing sexier than the motif of killing god and god killing you, in general. i do think i loved this one because it played with a lot of my fave tropes and themes of horror - high school slasher, archetypes, coming back wrong, religion, all that

"the big game" kept cracking me up it's so dumb and yet

anyway this whole thing just felt like we've unlocked...i dunno, a new level of starkid?? i was blown away and i'm sure for those more invested in hatchetfield beyond tgwdlm it hit even more, but it's left me so excited to see what's next from them for the first time in years.

[lowkeyrobin]

EVIL DEAD RISE ; what kind of music you listen to with them

includes ; danny, bridget, kassie (platonic), ellie & beth

warnings ; language, my kinda bad music taste tbh

masterlist

DANNY

either stuff like sneaker pimps, gorillaz, and lil peep or quannnic, the cure, nirvana, paramore

he plays whatever makes you happy, especially if it's something he also likes

probably listens to music to sleep as well

like, hozier, phoebe bridgers, probably movie scores that are calm and kinda relaxing as well

sometimes you guys sit in silence with the music and relish each others company or you're having a dance party in front of hundreds cheering his dj skills on

religiously wears headphones, doesn't matter if they're wireless or not

he's very anti-earbuds bc they don't fit his ears properly LMAOOO

honestly same....

but he's scared it'll make him get hearing loss sooner bc they don't let the sound out a bit so he sticks w his muffs

keeps him warm in the winter 🤷‍♂️/🤷‍♀️

BRIDGET

mazzy star, florence + the machine, hozier, blue foundation, seal, james marriott

I feel like she's into calmer kinda music, but not like basic calm music if that makes sense??

I don't think she's an arctic monkeys/tv girl indie/pop/idk fan iykwim

she likes just being in your presence when she listens to music cause she wants to have those songs remind her of you somehow

like if you're on the bus, in the car, she's the type to usually have her earbuds in, probably does the spotify party thing with you LMAO

that way you don't have to share earbuds or anything

danny constantly teases you guys bc your music taste differs but you're totally swooning for her so you always listen to her music lol

KASSIE

taylor swift idk

what do little kids listen to these days??? 💀💀💀

cmon she's like 10 at max gimme a break

she honestly just picks whatever she likes on your playlists if she needs something to entertain her in the car and whatnot

I mean I'm like that too sometimes I just can't stare out the window in silence I need my music lmao

she probably just has default pop radio music taste, she's too young for a phone anyways lmao

gets any actual music taste from her siblings and you though

ELLIE

probably listens to the pretty reckless and halestorm here and there, prefers more pop music though

probably like muni long, normani, hozier, taylor swift, only the plastic hearts album by miley cyrus, etc

mostly a female artist listener

I just get that vibe from her

her and Beth for sure went to a lot of female lead rock bands before her kids + Jay in general

like evanescence, halestorm, pretty reckless, in this moment, flyleaf

she'd still enjoy listening to rock though, just gotta be in a pumped up mood, like doing chores or working out yk

would enjoy dorothy, lacuna coil, etc

she strikes me as a person who plays music in the house/car but never wirh headphones or anything bc she likes to get shit done and when she's sitting down, she's just trying to relax and music gets her kinda pumped up lmao

loves when u show her new songs tho, she loves adding them to her mixes or whatever

she strikes me as a pandora mom

BETH

she for sure listens to spiritbox, megan thee stallion (she's a nicki anti I know it, me too), halestorm, pretty reckless, new years day, in this moment, september mourning, eminem, rihanna

a lot of like 2000s-2010s legends lol

I feel like she listens to Megan a lot to pump herself up bc real tbh

cobra ft spiritbox is her all time fav song

holy shit she rants about this song to members of her team for a week straight

gets like 300 plays on it by the time spotify wrapped comes out

she strikes me as a yt music user HELP

she loves introducing you to new rock bands, especially ones w female leads

[cuddly-asexual]

It's the middle of the night which means it's time for me to gush about the Fire Emblem Engage Fell Xenologue soundtrack.

I've very meh on the Engage soundtrack as a whole compared to other soundtracks in the series, but the tracks I do like are some of my favorites in the franchise. HOWEVER, literally the entire Fell Xenologue soundtrack is so fucking good.

First off, just from a general vibe standpoint I think it does a wonderful job at creating this very melancholic atmosphere that permeates this whole other world. There's also a distinct change in the instrumentation which differentiates this soundtrack from the rest of the Engage soundtrack.

Next, I just wanna talk about cool things I noticed in some of the tracks. Starting with the world map themes:

Both tracks start off very similar with the twinkling in the background and piano, but where Engage has a very consistent repeating phrase, the Xenologue has a more irregular thing going on where notes almost feel like they're missing or lagging playing on top of other notes. The both songs arrive at a transition (~0:30) where all the other instruments in the track come in. With Engage we have standard orchestral instruments like strings, winds, horns, etc, but for the Xenologue we get a sitar (something that sounds like one anyway) and another plucked string instrument that I can't quite place (I don't think it's a guitar because the timbre sounds different, but I could be wrong), with some electronic stuff in the background. After this transition both songs play their respective theme. In Engage's case it's a version of the main theme. In the Xenologue's case it's part of the Xenologue's theme. Then both tracks come back to a motif that is shared between them played with different instrumentation (Engage 1:24, Xenologue 1:22). At 2 minutes we get another melody change and this one is interesting, for Engage it's the main theme again, but for the Xenologue it's something else. I need to dive a little deeper for this one, but for now I can say that it's also a version of the main engage theme but likely reversed or otherwise changed in a way that makes it sound different.

Okay now I'd just like the shine some light on the Xenologue's main theme cuz holy shit it's gorgeous. I've been listening to this track on repeat since I beat the Xenologue earlier this year. I've been cracking my brain on this one for a while, but I think I can say for sure that it's not a version of the main engage theme. There's two main motifs that come up again and again. The first one right at the start (~0:07) and the second one at ~1:13, which is also in the world map theme above. I just aaaaaa idk what it is about this song but it pulls on my heart strings. I FEEL for Nel and Nil and their struggles as I listen to this song.

And the last track I will cover in this is the final boss theme from the Xenologue AND HOLY SHIT IF THIS ISN'T MY FAVORITE FIRE EMBLEM BOSS THEME FUCKING EVER. They squeezed not 1, not 2, not 3, BUT 4 THEMES IN THIS BAD BOY. We get this fun build up into the Fire Emblem series theme, much like the Engage final boss. Then, around 0:54 we get the fucking four hounds theme sprinkled in??? Y'all have no idea how much I POGGED when I heard that shit, especially with how they all join your team at that point AAAAAAA. THEN THE GRAND ENTRANCE FOR THE XENOLOGUE THEME AT 1:07, WHICH IS JUST AOUGHHH so tasty and beautifully arranged with the full orchestra. And of course we can't forget the Fire Emblem Engage theme sliding in there right behind the Xenologue theme at 2:06. Then back to the Xenologue theme once more with a small dash of vocals just for good measure. And then the masterpiece starts all over again. GOD, just the way this song is able to combine and overlay so many themes and motifs together in one song is amazing and I love this track SO MUCH.

Anyway please play the Fell Xenologue because all the music slaps. Thank you for reading my messy thoughts, I'm very passionate about this soundtrack.

[the1975attheirverybest]

that crowd sounds amazing omg🥺🥺🥺 and THOSE INTERACTIONS HOLY SHIT you are literally their bestie now it’s official <3 also how did you survive polly jc2005gba and a dlid song aswell i bet that was insaneee

what was camping/queuing like? after hearing how good your show was i’m literally counting down the days until february lmaooo

-🪩

honestly, everyone’s amazing in this little community. From the band to the fans 💗💗💗 and it was so sweet to see all kinds of people from different age groups. Some moms even coming with their younger daughter and vibing in the seated area while their daughters were in GA hahahaha. of course they got to become carriers of jackets/ bags etc. even the more… ✨colorful ✨Twitter fans were there and they’re a lot less….umm… intense(shall we say?) in person. Like they’re not mean they just really like doing things a certain way and whatever if that makes you happy go off I guess hahahah.

camping was alright! As smooth as an experience like that could be. We checked things out, went and napped and got back at 3 am. But because (as matty made VERY clear from his jokes about dead bodies last night lmao) Baltimore is not a safe area at alllll the venue let us camp inside for the night. Where there was a security guard with us at all times. And thank god that was a thing cuz we did have some weird people stop by and try to come inside and cause drama.

BUT what I will say about camping is that you should find out who the line leader is and see if you have the option of getting your number registered and then leaving overnight to sleep for 7-8 hours then come back in the morning. Cuz apparently some people do this and we didn’t know. the way it usually works is there are check-ins every 3 to four hours from the moment that the line begins until the day of the show. During those check-ins the line leaders will line everyone up in order of your number, take your name and initial to make sure that everyone who’s supposed to be there is in fact there, that nobody is taking anyone’s spot, cutting in line, or trying to be in GA line when they don’t have a ticket (cuz apparently people do try this and see if they can sneak in?). Then you get the official wristbands from Mark and/or Tim and get to go home and you just have to be back before doors open.

BUT some line leaders are chill and will say there are check ins every 3-4 hours until 10 pm. At 10 everyone is allowed to go home/ to a hotel and sleep as long as they come back for morning check in at 6 or 7 am when the 3 hour check ins resume for the day. So you don’t NEED to be camped outside the venue if your line leader has that as an option. You just get your number, leave at 10 pm, come back the next morning having slept, eaten, etc.

some line leaders are more intense though and won’t let you leave. That person who’s been a fan since 2013 that I mentioned in my last reply has experienced both: some super strict lines and some chill. So def check Twitter and see who the leader is and what the rules are. Fans usually make huge group chats on Twitter and discord for each individual show so that people in line can update and say “we just did our check In we are currently at this number” so I would super recommend that you try to get into these gcs if you can. That’s how we kept an eye on the numbers while at dinner and stuff. just make sure to be back by the next check in time / wrist band line time because we did hear horror stories about fans for other shows going to get coffee, not knowing that wrsitbands were coming in 15 min, missing out on it and losing their spot. But that rarely happens if you come back by the time that you are supposed to. Like they give you 3-4 hours to do what you need to do. As long as you stick to that, it should be totally chill. we had a few people who were camping alone and they just joined us. Like a girl came up and said “mind if I sit with you?” And we were like yeah of course and she hung out. Then when doing check ins we got to meet the people who were directly before and after us cuz we lined up with them, and we made friends with them as well. So by the time that you actually get to the pit, you already know the people around you and you’ve bonded over freezing to death and being sleepy and discussing the band in great detail that everyone’s just so happy to share this experience together and sob and wail and scream about Ross being perfect and matty being a smol bean that the whole thing feels like a huge family. We literally referred to each other as a line family hahahah. Okay I hope this wasn’t overwhelming and overboard. But the gist is YOU ARE GONNA HAVE SO MUCH FUN as tiring as the camping process is, it’s worth it.

[somesaycosmo]

laurence, the first vicar - an analysis

hi! this is future marie, when i'm going back through and finalizing my draft of this post. this was originally meant to just be an analysis of laurence's song, but it turned into more than that, so just bear with it!

"oh look it's my favorite boss soundtrack in soulsborne! thankfully, bloodborne is a very simple game with straightforward lore, and the lyrics of its tracks are similarly straightforward, so there's not much to analyze here." -a quote from an alternate universe marie who was blessed with a game that didn't give her frenzy

"bloodborne's tracks have lyrics?" you might ask - and yes, in fact, they do! many of them have choral lyrics in latin, including mr laurence "i forgot the sacred adage" lastname's track here.

before we start, please listen to the song, if only because it's very good

this post is using the translated lyrics from this bloodborne wiki, while taking some liberties with the interpretation based on the game's lore. i do not know latin, but if anyone does, i'd love for them to hit me up. i'm also going to specifically tag @rococospade-main, both to shout them out for being great to discuss bloodborne lore with (it's where i got the idea to write this post)

as always, lore starts below the line

so the song starts with 4 lines, as follows

Children, know that if you will abide by the sacred rite with great commitment There will be a reward through the Holy Blood You will be rewarded with the hidden Holy Blood Or, maybe I shall lose my humanity through the Holy Blood

already starting off strong with the "questioning one's faith" vibes, eh, larry?

"children" might be in reference to actual children, or it might be the thing priests do, where they're called "father" and stuff (can you tell i'm not christian?) with laurence in this case being the "father" and the disciples of the church being his "children"

the reward from the holy blood is, of course, ascension, which we all know everyone from byrgenwerth strived for, because they're losers. "hidden holy blood" might be in reference to ebrietas bein all locked up in the chalice dungeons?

"maybe i shall lose my humanity through the holy blood" is, based on how early it is in the song, likely about laurence looking forward; loss of humanity is seen as a good thing, because it means ascension. the dramatic irony of this is of course obvious, considering the song plays when we're beating the shit out of laurence's fallen and bestial form - because loss of humanity can also mean other things, it turns out.

We honor you with the Blood Yet you judge this as blasphemy You are obsessed with this mystery And you shall be overcome by bestiality

We honor you with the Blood Yet you judge this as blasphemy We are hindered by this mystery Water does not achieve success

now laurence is speaking to the gods instead of to his followers. "we honor you with blood / yet you judge this as blasphemy" is likely him pleading to the gods. the description of the defiled chalice reads, "Curses are caused by inciting the anger of the Great Ones, and used to hex others." this paints a picture of the gods as somewhat vengeful; it makes sense that the beastly scourge, then, would be hypothesized to be a plague cast upon humanity for some sin they've committed, and laurence would know best what exactly that sin is.

"you are obsessed with this mystery / and you shall be overcome by bestiality" seems out of place in the rest of this section, given it's the only one that refers to humanity as "you," but i've taken this as it being the gods replying to laurence in the song, with the mystery likely being "how to ascend to godhood". this is the blasphemy you have committed, they say, and you shall be overcome by bestiality

"we are hindered by this mystery" once again, we're talking from laurence's perspective. firstly, laurence for the first time admits that obsession with ascension might not be so great, actually.

"water does not achieve success" this could be interpreted as talking about the whole "great bodies of water are often bulwarks" thing discussed in the lake and sea runes, laurence sort of saying "protecting ourselves from the truth does nothing to help us ascend," with water, effectively, being "safety." to go further, in my personal interpretation, this is more about the comparison of blood and water. you know that old saying, "blood is thicker than water"? that came to mind immediately while reading these lyrics, given the constant talking about blood in the song (and in the game). perhaps here laurence is comparing water to blood with water, water being "safety" and blood being "success" (ascension). to reference the item description for the white church set, "They believe that medicine is not a means of treatment but rather a method for research, and that some knowledge can only be obtained by exposing oneself to sickness." this will come up later.

By the Gods, friend Be afraid By the Gods, friend The Blood Be afraid You are right to

this is familiar! this could be willem speaking, this could be laurence speaking to someone else, or this could be laurence speaking to himself (my writer's brain imagines him muttering this quietly to himself in despair as his mental health and questioning of his faith declines) - due to "you are right to [fear the blood]," i lean towards him talking to himself as if talking to willem, perhaps wishing he had actually feared the old blood, or saying that willem is better off for doing so. regardless, it is incredibly reminiscent of the sacred adage ("fear the old blood" etc etc we all know it by heart at this point), and is likely supposed to be that.

It will be a majestic festivity By the Holy Blood So come, this sweet wine O defiled juice (this has to mean "wine" or "drink" i refuse to believe laurence would refer to the holy blood as a juice. i will not allow it)

this one, oddly, seems to indicate a toneshift - i would argue it's a result of his spiraling mental state. throughout the song he's questioning his faith and his actions, chanting his old mentor's sacred adage to himself; his life up to this point is a life of success while the cure and path to ascension he was peddling to yharnam turns them into horrific beasts. so he ends up doubling down on the religious fervor he started this endeavor with. this delves more into headcanon territory, so bear with me for a second:

have you ever thought about why laurence drops the beast's embrace rune?

laurence, the first vicar, the first cleric beast, drops the rune that allows you to enter a state of controlled beasthood whenever you want (provided you use a beastly weapon, of course). isn't that odd? shouldn't he drop something that, like, increases the amount blood vials heal you? maybe super duper extra special communion +6? why would he drop that rune, of all things, especially when the game already has a named character they could've put in to drop it (that being irreverent izzy)?

let's look at the item description.

After the repeated experiments in controlling the scourge of beasts, the gentle "Embrace" rune was discovered.

When its implementation failed, the "Embrace" became a forbidden rune, but this knowledge became a foundation of the Healing Church.

now i am not necessarily going to suggest that laurence dreamed up the beast's embrace rune himself - it could make sense, but that isn't necessary for the rest of what i'm about to say, which is this: the last part of the song is laurence giving into beasthood voluntarily.

perhaps he believed so strongly in the blood of ebrietas taking him to ascension that he decided beasthood must be it, must be the next step for humanity; perhaps, in a final move of desperation, he tried to control beasthood by experimenting on himself with this rune; or perhaps he had already imbibed so much of the old blood that he couldn't control his need to spill the blood of others.

personally, i lean toward the second interpretation. let's look at the description of laurence's (human) skull:

Skull of Laurence, first vicar of the Healing Church. In reality he became the first cleric beast, and his human skull only exists within the Nightmare.

The skull is a symbol of Laurence's past, and what he failed to protect. He is destined to seek his skull, but even if he found it, it could never restore his memories.

firstly, i'd just like to point out the irony in the statement "he is destined to seek his skull"; he spends his human life seeking ascension, and when he achieves metamorphosis, he is cursed to spend that form trying to find his humanity again, mindless, lost in a nightmare.

secondly, and more to the point, let's look at the line "a symbol of laurence's past, and what he failed to protect." examining this item for its symbolism is fairly clear - it's a relic of laurence's humanity, and that's exactly what he failed to protect, the humanity of himself and others. this description leads me to believe he wanted to protect humanity, but failed.

a lot of interpretations of him have him as this truly evil person who was just deceiving the city of yharnam for his own personal gain, but honestly, i don't buy that. that's not what bloodborne is about. i mean bloodborne is and can be about a lot of things, and i could ascribe dozens of basic thematic interpretations of it off the top of my head, but characterization that simple doesn't fit bloodborne (and, frankly, it's not tragic enough for miyazaki).

so, with all that combined, why do i believe that laurence branded himself with beast's embrace in an attempt to further research on the control of beasthood, so as to protect humanity? well, to go back to an item description from earlier, some knowledge can only be obtained by exposing oneself to sickness.

thank you for reading.

[ecle-c-tic]

THANK YOU SO MUCH @sevenseasofyeet!!! This is super cool!!!

--

Who was your first favourite artist?

Either Queen or Elton John!

I think I've told this story before, but when I was small my brother had a crazy frog CD that I quickly claimed as my own to play We Are the Champions on repeat! It went 'missing' about 3 months later!!! I also remember listening to the radio and losing my absolute shit every time 'the pirate song' came on, it was Bohemian Rhapsody, but for some reason, I remember thinking the Operatic section sounded like pirates??? (yeah I have no clue either)

My Elton John CD was the first CD I ever had! But before that, my mom would play Island Girl, Bennie, Philadelphia Freedom, Don't Go Breaking My Heart, Your Song, and Bad Side of the Moon for me every time we went out! 🥺

Who are your current favourite artists?

Queen, Elton, Wham!, The Clash, and their solo stuff (like George, Fred, JS + the Mescaleros, etc. etc.)

Are you into musicals? Which ones?/Why not?

fuck yeah! I think I listened to Phantom of the Opera about every day during jr high! (#fuck u raoul) I love Wicked (I sobbed literally the entire time I watched it on Broadway), Phantom, Anastasia, The Hunchback of Notre Dame (with Patrick Page and Michael Arden- holy shit!) and Chicago! (my grandmother showed me Chicago (like with Renee Zellweger when I was about 4, doesn't that explain a lot?)

I'm starting to listen to more and more Operas, their talent is truly amazing!

Are there songs you consider so special you only listen to them very rarely?

I think Queen II is so special that I'd rather not listen to the songs out of order, or while doing something else. It needs to be its own experience!

What's your preferred way of listening to music? (time of day, medium, situation)

I love my vinyl, but Spotify is so much more convenient! I'd listen to music from sun up to sun down if I could!

that being said, I really treasure my drink-coffee-car-karaoke on my way to work at 5;50 in the morning tho!!!

What would you say is the most niche music you listen to?

Hahaha! Either some of my cancon faves or Gaidhlig trad.

What's your favourite music-related movie/TV show that's not a musical?

Billy Elliot or School of Rock?

Albums or playlists?

It depends on my mood, but both is good!

Favourite albums?

Queen- Queen, Queen II, Sheer Heart Attack, Night at the Opera, A Day at the Races, News of the World, Jazz, The Game, HOT SPACE, The works, A Kind of Magic, Miracle, Innuendo. (including; Mr. Bad Guy and BARCELONA)

Elton- Empty Sky, Tumbleweed Connection, Honky Chateau, Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, Captain Fantastic and the Dirt Brown Cowboy, Rock of the Westies.

The Clash (and Joe)- Give 'Em Enough Rope, London Calling, Sandinista, Combat Rock, Rock Art and X-Ray Style, Global A Go-Go.

Wham! (and George)- Fantastic, Make It Big, Music from the Edge of Heaven, Faith, Older, Music from the Last Century. Listen Without Prejudice (Vol. 1).

Is there an artist you're trying to get into?

more Black Sabbath, some of Elton's later stuff, more T.Rex, more Stones, more Bowie, more AC/DC, more LedZep, more Chuck Berry, more Jimi + general counterculture stuff! I want to round out my 60s/70s knowledge! Also, the Eurythmics!

Whose music do you find over-hyped?

Elvis and the Beatles....😬 (solely bc Elvis sang so many covers and I really only vibe with the harder Beatles stuff)

What's an underrated song?

The Fallen Priest ~ Freddie Mercury, Montserrat Caballe

Let Me Live / Lost Opportunity / Human Body ~ Queen

What's a thing a bunch of songs do that you love every time?

I ADORE when multiple instruments have solos or when there are 'movements' in a song, like BoRhap or IWYS being smushed into one track haha!

What song is better acoustic?

JUNCO 👏 PARTNER 👏

What's the worst song of all time?

I actually don't know. I loathe I'm Gonna Be by the Proclaimers and just as a convo starter, I'm not big on Under Pressure.

Do you put individual songs on repeat? If so, for how long and how often?

Yes!!! It depends, Somebody to Love is on repeat quite often, but usually I'll play something until I learn the lyrics or like the bits (haha, idek, like the solos n shit)

Do you make your own playlists? If so, what's your most entertaining playlist title?

I cleared out my shitty 3 song playlists and I have about 5 situational ones and then 2 mega ones! My favourite one rn is "in the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost(s)"

Headphones or earbuds?

When I'm stationary, headphones. Moving, earbuds.

Do you always sing the lead vocal or do you harmonize sometimes? If you harmonize, do you ever invent your own harmony?

I try to follow the lead, I match it by ear but I genuinely don't know if that's right. I just like to have fun!

A music confession

I'm sure what to put here

--

tagging: @brian-ur-bruh @queenies-of-the-universe @delicatelyfantasticninja @freddie-moments @wastelandell (oh my gosh, I typed your URL in wrong and thought u deactivated and almost cried!) @musiccat1971 @thislookinyoureyes @wiesel-mercury @sparkleslightlyy @trinikins @wastingawayinquarantine and anyone else who'd like to join in!! 🥺💛💛💛

[ectoplasm-james]

@yolopatriarch gave me xue yang but my ask box is out of commission so we’re doing it like this lmaoooooo

send me a character and i’ll give you my feelings on them, the people i ship with them, my brotps, my unpopular opinions, etc. 

how i feel about this character

every day i think about when wang haoxuan said that xue yang just wants to feel safe bc 1) it broke my heart and 2) i think it brilliantly puts his whole character into perspective. literally everything about him--the murder, the constant smile, the constant laughter--all makes so much sense if you approach it from the view that xue yang feels constantly lowkey terrified and out of control and is trying to compensate for it. the kid murders an entire clan because of one busted finger and i think his motivation is equal parts a desire for revenge and a need to control the source of his trauma. 

i always write him with the understanding that, psychologically, he hasn’t really progressed past the moment he got run over. when you grow up poor and homeless, nobody really considers you human, and when you kill a bunch of people, nobody really considers you human. so no one is going to talk to you, no one will touch you, and certainly no one is going to care for you. so of course he keeps on killing people and goes absolutely out of control because 1) he can’t afford to let all of that bother him and 2) if he stays violent and unapproachable, he can’t be taken advantage of, and he can’t be hurt / made to feel inferior / weak / etc. it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.

this is also why i have a lot of feelings about submissive masochist xue yang and pain in controlled environments and sex as self-harm but that’s a fic for another day lmao

your honor, i love him

all the people i ship romantically with this character

it’s like this: jiang cheng might be the fandom bicycle (which is funny for several reasons) but xue yang is MY fandom bicycle. i am prepared to read this disaster with more or less anyone. i think every character in the untamed deserves some unethical non-free range dick (especially the women. let the women of the untamed get some zest in their sex lives. on god.)

that being said, xiao xingchen of fucking course. every day i think about xue yang deciding to get revenge and then just fucking. living with him for three years bc he’s nice to him and laughs at his jokes and gives him candy ive said this before but the soft dom energy of leaving candy on your man’s pillow every morning makes me go apeshit every time i think about it holy fucking shit xxc your mind

I’m actually not as interested in songxuexiao tbh (although it does comprise a great deal of what i read mostly bc fics in that tag have a reading of his relationship with xxc that runs closer to my own, and there is some absolutely brilliant stuff out there).  i think my personal lack of interest is mostly because I just can’t quite get a hook on song lan’s character

i’m also very partial to him and jin guangyao together as like an evil fuckbuddy situation (altho i have seen at least one fic where they knew each other as kids that hurt way more than i expected it to). be gay do crime. on a similar note i think xue yang deserves yiling laozu hatesex

my non romantic otp with this character

he and a-qing are basically tom and jerry in yi city and it’s the funniest thing in the world.

i also really enjoy the concept of xue yang and qin su vibing together at jinlintai a) because again it’s really funny and b) jiggy would have an aneurysm about it

qin su: oh darling that nice young man stopped by for tea again today!

jiggy:

if they’re both banging him so much the better

my unpopular opinion about this character

characters like xue yang inevitably invite rancid takes which is why i’m proud to say i don’t really know what the popular takes about him are. as long as we’re talking tho, i don’t think xue yang is a monster but also i’m not sure that he would be capable of changing completely even if he’d spent the rest of his life with xxc, bUT i’m not really pressed about it, you know? he is what he is, and he is very gorgeous to me

one thing i wish would happen / had happened with this character

i really would have liked to have seen more of the yi city stuff since i’m pretty sure you get more from a-qing in the novel. understandable why it was pared down but also! i deserve domestic goddess!xue yang

[ahiijny]

Okay, I finally, FINALLY got around to watching Kimi no Na wa

I finished watching it just now so this is just an unorganized stream of thoughts in no particular order lol

(spoilers obviously, be warned)

I really liked it!

Watching Taki and Mitsuha trying to interact with each others' respective friends and just coming off as really weird in the process was really fun to watch.

And the songs were really good too. The end credits song, that's some good English pronunciation o.o

So going into the movie the two main spoilers I already knew about it (just from cultural osmosis from the internet) was that it involved the boy and the girl switching bodies and that the plot twist was that there was actually some kind of 3 year offset.

But also somehow for the like 5 years that this movie has been out I completely managed to avoid the spoiler about how the comet completely yeeted the town off the face of the planet.

like, WTF o.o

When I got to that part in the movie I was actually legit surprised. I was like "oh shit". "Oh shiiiiit". When I saw those "do not enter, keep out" signs, my heart just sank. Well... that explains why they didn't switch any more after that. That's a RIP -_-;;

Okay okay, other stuff.

The background art in this movie was GORGEOUS. So detailed and sharp looking. And the animation looked really good too. Not just the hype actiony moments but also the very subtle, minute movements as well. Very smooth etc. I'm not an animation expert so obviously my opinion probably doesn't mean very much but I think it looked good!

The town is called Itomori, ito means "thread" in Japanese, nice.

The rice + sake stuff felt kinda creepy, idk. Traditional ceremonies why are you like this

Mitsuha's younger sister has lots of entrepreneurial ideas huh.

Fortunately their phones don't have passcodes, otherwise they wouldn't have been able to use each others' phones.

And also the subs in that scene where Mitsuha-in-Taki's body was meeting his friends for the first time had a really clever way of translating the nuance of "watashi" vs. "watakushi" / "boku" / "ore", with phrases like "a girl like me" vs. "a guy like me". Noice.

Tokyo is expensive huh.

Also Taki's senpai is quite perceptive.

And Taki is quite a good artist o.o

The diaries are being corrupted and deleted? Well that's kinda sus

Okay but looking through the obituaries and seeing "Mitsuha, age 17" in there. That's horrifying.

When he woke up in her body again, but before the comet struck, that gave me Life Is Strange vibes. I love time travel stories.

But also these kids, how did they not notice that the year was completely different? Or that the days of the week didn't align with the day of the month? ehh I guess you can handwave it away with memory shenanigans (I mean, if it's during a dream, then your memory recall is pretty wonky anyway). But kids these days, not even looking aware of the full YYYY-MM-DD they're living in smh. Unobservant brats (I joke, I love them)

"You were the one within me" that... uh, that sounds kinda lewd >_<;; (I'm sorry, that's the first place my mind went, forgive me)

also RIP Tessie's bike

and also, Mitsuha's friends are the true MVPs. Sayaka has a very good convincing broadcaster voice. Also Tessie coming in clutch with the explosives know-how and the airwaves hijacking know-how. Committing acts of domestic terrorism just for their friend. Geez. This kind of trust and loyalty is rare. Treasure it.

Also when they were trying to remember each other's names I was like "WRITE IT DOWN BEFORE YOU FORGET" but then I was like "wait the comet can erase stuff even from digital phones, it can probably erase sharpie marks too, noooo" so then when he went to grab the sharpie to write her name and then forgot I was like "fuq u forgot"

Also holy wow, I REALLY need to get more exercise. If I were in this movie I would like, collapse over ded after like less than 1 minute of running because I am NOT in shape at all. These kids are the real MVPs, doing all that running o.o

Like how far away is that mysterious god's body shrine place from the rest of the town? When Taki-in-Mitsuha and her sister and grandma went to visit it, it was like an entire day's hike or something. And Taki-in-Mitsuha biked part of the way there and RAN the rest of the way and then Mitsuha ran all the way back and this was all after it got dark but before around 8pm or so. And they still had to convince Mitsuha's dad about the situation and they had to get everyone out of the town too. The timetable was SO TIGHT. Geez. It gives me anxiety just thinking about it.

Also, the town alert system! Tessie's knowledge about demolition stuff and liking of radio stuff! It was all foreshadowed/established near the beginning of the movie. Noice!

Anyway, the timeskip (I should really rewatch Weathering with You sometime so that I can actually catch all of the cameos this time lol).

Tessie and Saya got together, noice.

The end... ASDLKFJKLDSFJLAKSDFJ LKJSDAFKL J they finally

They were walking past each other up on the stairs, so I was worried! I mean, it makes sense! It's just some stranger, and you probably sound delusional talking about these weird dreams of yours that you don't even remember! Imagine if you're like "hey have we met somewhere before?" and they look at you like "dafaq?? weirdo"

I mean, that already happened with Mitsuha 8 years ago on that train. So I guess it's Taki's turn to call out this time. I'm glad he did.

Also you can't just leave me hanging there alksdjfkl;djl;akjsdf

pls I need to see them catch up with each other and try to reconstruct what happened and how they know each other from their fragmented memories and reminisce on mutually cringe memories and so on etc.

But all in all that was a pretty good movie! 9.3/10

[kaitosimp]

hello kaito simp does this work lol playlist

teehee

Hi hi!! Yeah it worked!! :D Looking over it I only recognize starlight by muse so I'm excited to listen to the rest! Also it didn't let me listen cause it said I need a spotify acc so I'm gonna youtube them 😂

WARNING: THIS IS SUPER LONG CAUSE I GOT CARRIED AWAY WRITING LIKE ALWAYS LOL

The tiny glowing screens song is so cool! I just sat here vibing to it full on 🤣 The Kaito vibes hit me hard near the end aND DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED WHEN IT WENT ON ABOUT BEING ABLE TO DO ANYTHING AND THE JUPITER/UNIVERSE THINGS, ITS K A I T O

OMFG ELEVATE MADE ME THINK OF KAITO OVERCOMING ANY AND ALL OBSTACLES IN HIS WAY CAUSE HE HAS DREAMS HE WANTS TO FUFILL AND HOW HIS GOALS PUSH HIM FORWARD AND EVEN WHEN HE FEELS LIKE ITS ALL POINTLESS HE KNOWS HE HAS TO FIGHT ON????? GOD I LOVED IT SO MUCH

Supermassive black hole has Kaito written allll over it 👁👄👁 Idk if its just me but it sounds like him being in love in a very funky way!! And also him dying/being in some sort of pain cause of the one bit "dont you know i suffer", ow :,)

I KNEW IT- I FUCKING KNEW BLOOD ON THE GROUND WOULD REMIND ME OF HIS ILLNESS AND I WAS RIGHT 😭😭😭💔 ITS HIM LIKING SOMEONE IN THE KILLING GAME & BEING SICK AND BEING BITTER ABOUT IT STG

Gravity's union is right up my alley, I really liked this one!! I dunno was it is about it but man, its so captivating 👁👁 I don't know how to describe it but I got Kaito vibes (and pairings vibes but thats just me like always 💀🤣) its got this whole feel with gravity and collisions that it just makes sense??

Another one up my alley, greatness or death, I loved it!! RIGHT OFF THE BAT I GOT HIT WITH KAITO FEELS, WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN???? HIM FEELING BEAT DESPITE THE HEROIC OPTIMISTIC PERSONA, HIM BEING SICK, BEING DESTINED TO FUFILL HIS DREAMS OF GOING TO SPACE OR DYING FROM THE ILLNESS, THE LIE HE'S LIVED BEING THAT HE PRETENDED TO BE FINE ALL ALONG, THERES JUST SO MUCH THAT PERFECTLY FITS HIS SITUATION IN GAME!!! NOT TO MENTION WHAT A BANGER IT IS, ASDFGHJKL THIS IS MY FAVE ONE

Rise above it- Kaito oVERCOMING ANYTHING IN HIS WAY AND COMING OUT ON TOP ONCE MORE, I FUCKING LOVE IT

Stellar is literally Kaito's love song omf :,)) ITS LITERALLY ABOUT TAKING THE PERSON HE LIKES OUT TO SPACE, SPACE IN GENERAL, AND BEING IN LOVE????? ITS HIS MF LOVE SONG BYE

Loud like love made is so good it me want to be in love 💀😂 It feels like the backround song to a couple doing fun shit at 3 am, so gUESS WHAT I PICTURED IN MY HEAD- SAIMOTA BEING DORKS IN LOVE 😔✋🏽

J u s t from the title of my hero, i already picture it'll be from Shuichi's/Maki's perspective @ Kaito :,) "there goes my hero, watch him as he goes" aND I WAS RIGHT AND OH MY GOD WHEN IT SAID "dont the best of them bleed out" IT KILLED ME CAUSE OF KAITO'S DEATH 😭😭😭😭😭

Ngl with space lord I giggled every time it said "space lord mf" asdfghkl 😭😭😂 The first thing I thought about was just Kaito being a badass and just crushing his enemies 💀😂 Cause of the bits where it says he left his throne a million miles away (in space) and just from what the song says, its him reigning over and being a badass space king 👌🏼

As soon as it said "i want to take you to the planetarium" in the planetarium song i automatically thought it was him asking someone out on a date 🤣 But then the 'faked sick' parts started and once again, I was reminded of his illness :,) It'll never stop hurting

Woahhh, using sounds like him learning how to accept himself and knowing his worth and overcoming his issues tbh!! bUT OFC "guess i missed coughing my lungs up every morning" ASDFGJKL WHY IS THERE A REFERENCE TO HIS ILLNESS IN ALL OF THESE IMA CRY

WHEN HIDEAWAY SAID "take the sky for example, a canvas of a billion suns but our local hero shines them out by day" I ALMOST SCREECHED- THE WHOLE SONG IS KAITO VIBES KAITO VIBES KAITO VIBESSSSSSSS

Lucky stars made me feel so s o f t :,))))) I dunno why but it made me think of a Kaito ship and them being star crossed lovers even tho its ironic cause it literally says thank you lucky stars :,) Its just so nice 😭😭

Man, I wonder what the disease song will remind me of 🥲 yEAH THERE IT IS, HIS ILLNESS OH MY FUCKING GOD I- THIS IS MY 2ND FAVE ONE FOR SURE, ITS LITERALLY HIM STRUGGLING WITH THAT SICKNESS AND ALL THE BAD FEELINGS SURROUNDING IT, IT FITS TOO WELL

Ahhh not the only one feels like Kaito trying to reach out and be there for the people he cares about while struggling with his own issues, or could also be him trying to convince himself that feeling down/sad/etc is normal and that he should accept any help he's offered 👀

Trust fall made me think of him starting to get interested in someone and taking that shit in strideeee, so the trust fall thing makes me think of him taking that leap of faith into love despite being a super new thing yes? 🌚

Mannnn, malboro nights made me want to fall in love like love like loud 😂 Kaito liking someone with a funky vibe for days!!

Taking off literally made me think of Kaito about to walk into that gODDAMN ROCKET IN HIS EXECUTION, DAMN 😭

I ALREADY KNEW STARLIGHT BUT I USE THIS AS AN EXCUSE TO LISTEN TO IT AGAIN, IT GIVES ME SO MANY KAITO FEELS ITS UNREAL 😭😭😭

I'm gonna fully pretend and convince myself the astronaut is about Kaito fufilling his dreams of going to space and becoming an astronaut in a non-despair au aND NOT HIM UP IN THAT ROCKET CONVINCING HIMSELF THAT HE GOT TO BE AN ASTRONAUT AND GOT TO SEE THE THING HE LOVES THE MOST IN HIS LAST MOMENTS-

Omfgggg for miles made me think of post-game Kaito 😭😭😭 BRO "all of our trials will be milestones on the way" "there's no greater love than the one who shed blood for his friends" AND ALL THE STUFF ABOUT LOOKING BACK AND BEING ALIVE ASDFGJKL ITS LITERALLY HIS SACRIFICE AND HIS LOVE FOR HIS FRIENDS AND THE NEED HE HAD TO SAVE THEM- POST GAME KAITO POST GAME POST GAME KAITOOOOO VIBES, THIS IS MY 3RD FAVE ON THIS LIST

Holy fucking shit I'm super sorry this is so long, I got carried away 👁👄👁 BUT IGNORING THAT, THIS HAS BEEN SUPER FUN AND I LOVED ALL OF THESE SO THANK YOU CAUSE SO MANY OF THESE ARE GOING TO MY OWN PLAYLIST YOU HAVE AN AMAZING TASTE IN MUSIC LEMME TELL YA 💜💜💜💜

[ilkkawhat]

All the numbers. (If not all then pick and choose a handful to answer).

lol you’re really going for it anon, huh?? 😂 bless your heart. I’ll do all of them and then idk. if anybody wants to send any again, I’m sure I can have a different answer

(I did just answer 7 & 22 so I’ll leave those out. rest below the cut)

1) is there a story you’re holding off on writing for some reason?

I guess if you count all of my active WIPs that have been sitting dormant for months or years, there’s those since I like. I know what I’m doing in pretty much all of them, just as I know what I’m doing in some of my unpublished WIPs, but I think I just need to be in a certain mood/energy to do certain ones (ie, Agony esp is a very heavy fic so I gotta be able to Deal with that)

2) what work of yours, if any, are you the most embarrassed about existing?

I deleted those 😂😂😂 but some of my reeeeeealllllly old stuff is still out there and I cringe thinking about that and though I could easily delete those too, I’m keeping them just since the harddrive that has the docs for it is corrupted lol

3) what order do you write in? front of book to back? chronological? favorite scenes first? something else?

Just all over the place these days tbh. Even chapter to chapter it’ll change, I’ll write snippets in future chapters--and I’m talking like three or four chapters ahead--just to get it out there. But then there’s other days where I’ll sit and just write and not stop.

4) favorite character you’ve written

Nick Stokes, of course 💜💜💜

5) character you were most surprised to end up writing

Any of the Macgyver characters outside of Jack. Cause though I’ll claim not to all the time, I do know that I know the CSI characters (though I’m surprised I’m able to write in their POVs outside of Nick.) I grew up with them. I have a bond with them. The mac characters? I’ve only known for like. two years now and not even that well anymore since I’ve stopped watching the show. 

6) something you would go back and change in your writing that it’s too late/complicated to change now

Expanding on details. Almost every fic I write, I’ll read it again later and be like “ah shit I should have run with this idea...” but I guess that’s how I can do a sequel/missing scene

8) favorite genre to write

hurt/comfort (emphasis on the hurt, really I mean we’re talking like borderline horror)

9) what, if anything, do you do for inspiration?

See I haven’t really honed in on any one particular thing that inspires me to write. It comes out of nowhere, and the following list of things doesn’t like, always work. When I’m listening to a song. When I’m driving in the car. When I’m watching something unrelated to the source material (totes got some inspiring vibes watching Falcon and The Winter Soldier yesterday tbh lmao) When I dream. When I go on a walk. When people send me asks and I just go the fuck off and suddenly ten chapters later I’m writing a fic that they probably didn’t even want (coughSpecimenStokescough)

10) write in silence or with background noise? with people or alone?

I think the last couple times I’ve like, really written it’s been in silence. Definitely alone. Don’t got people to write around, really lmao (unless you count my parents being in other rooms with obnoxiously loud televisions and tablets)

11) what aspect of your writing do you think has most improved since you started writing?

All of it. And I’m sure it’ll keep improving.

12) your weaknesses as an author

Dialogue. I don’t know how people talk 😂

13) your strengths as an author

Detail, description, and I also like to think--emotion? but idk. It’s hard for me to assess my strength tbh

14) do you make playlists for your current wips?

Oh YES! At least for the longer WIPs like Last Breath or Agony. And listen to it on a loop when I’m trying to brainstorm or write if I want to write with music on. I’ve been starting to link the playlists when I’m doing with the fic (which is not many so far)

(I think Hellbound is the only one-shot I made a playlist for that I didn’t share)

15) why did you start writing?

I honestly can’t remember, cause I think I’ve been writing stories (fan fiction or not) ever since I was in middle school?? Maybe even elementary? But I do feel like I had gotten more encouragement for it than drawing from the few people in my life that did actively cheer me on, and there’s just something about writing that is so...fulfilling? Esp since I can’t like. Just manifest the images or make the “movie” in my head, at least I can write them down and hopefully convey what I see/feel in my mind through words.

16) are there any characters who haunt you?

All my neglected OCs lmao. I did and I guess on some level still do want to make an original series.

In a chilling way Veronica also haunts me cause I realize how much of that like, darkness in myself I put in her. 

And Nick, well, he’s just always on my mind.

17) if you could give your fledgling author self any advice, what would it be?

Just fucking go for it! Don’t give a shit if anybody will read it or not. Take your time, flesh out those details. Describe what you see, what they see, what they feel. 

If you think you’re going too far...you’re not. 

keep going

18) were there any works you read that affected you so much that it influenced your writing style? what were they?

I mean any fan fiction I read in the past has probably influenced me on some level. I know that when I came back to CSI in 2018, reading all of kristen999′s nick whump def encouraged me cause I was like “oh...there’s others like me who like to see him hurt!?!?” and I do think that maybe sometimes after I read a fic, I might like. Try to incorporate those styles I see. The way words are described, sentences constructed. Not like, copy of course but I feel like a long time ago my writing wasn’t really idk, novel-like? very short, almost read like a script whereas now, since I’ve seen the way people write their stories (some novel length stories, too), I flesh mine out a lot more.

19) when it comes to more complicated narratives, how do you keep track of outlines, characters, development, timeline, ect.?

I don’t 😂 Thinking of my bigger projects like Agony, I do just kind make up some of it as I go with a rough outline although sometimes it is a bit more detailed--like First Flight actually has a super detailed outline but I know that once I start writing, something might come up, some twist I didn’t think of before--or even one that somebody suggests to me, but idk I feel like I do have a way of tying everything together regardless? Cause especially with those bigger WIPs I will try to go back and re-read if something seems familiar or if I’ve forgotten a detail, or if I’m planning on diving back into it after a long break from it. 

20) do you write in long sit-down sessions or in little spurts?

Depends. I feel more accomplished with the long sit down sessions so I target that, but lately it’s been little spurts with maybe one big dump at the end of the week.

21) what do you think when you read over your older work?

Mostly cringe, but there are times I’m like “holy shit this is really good???” 

like I remember recently I re-read Agony and loved it, when I wanted to delete it maybe like. a week before that. I think it honestly depends on my frame of mind, and why I’m going back to read the fic? Cause I’ve had times where I’m like “wait what was this one?” and then I read it and laugh at how bad it is, but then other times where I’m like, “I wanna read that one fic I did...” and then I do and it makes me happy.

But, I will always kinda criticize at the same time--”aw, I could do this better, I could have expanded on this,” etc

23) any obscure life experiences that you feel have helped your writing?

My life is suuuuuuper boring so. not really lmao. One of my earliest CSI fics that actually created what I consider to be my number one OC (she’d be the lead in that original series I mentioned earlier) came out of me sitting and staring into a campfire lmao. 

also there was this teacher I had (one of those good IRL supports) that told me a story of something that happened to her (or was it her daughter?) and I turned it into a story (back in my teen days) so. I guess there are somethings. 

24) have you ever become an expert on something you previously knew nothing about, in order to better a scene or a story?

Expert? No. But I will do numerous google searches to try and figure some stuff out and get lost in a rabbit hole of “research” for a while and hope that when I do write it, it comes off as I know what I’m doing when really, I do not lol.

25) copy/paste a few sentences or a short paragraph that you’re particularly proud of

haven’t really written much in this past week, and certainly nothing to be proud of, but this line hit me like a ton of bricks for Specimen Stokes and I’m in love with it:

“Because, my dear specimen, I wanted to see if you loved the danger...or if you loved me.”

[clumsyclifford]

bella I would love a directors cut on literally any of the rilex you’ve written, but specifically it’s always her, and you, and me, or for these days you’ve been stuck in my brain 💙

OHHHHHH those are some CHOICESSSSSS lucy. fuck yeah. let’s get into it. ill link them both here but we’ll take em one at a time

it’s always her, and me, you

these days you’ve been stuck in my brain

here’s a cut for convenience cos i KNOW i’m gonna go long here.

okay! let’s start with the rilisex fic.

it’s always her, and me, and you

so like it says in the ao3 notes, this fic came from realizing just how frequently rian and alex kiss each other like, all the time? just? casually? for funsies? this was another one of those situations like i mentioned where the hook aka first line (“Rian's no expert, but he doesn't think normal friends kiss this much.”) just appeared in my head and i was like heyyy that’s a GOOD first line. i have to build from that line. that’s the hook, that’s the summary, that’s the core. 

something i discovered upon searching through the editing history of the doc: i had originally sort of intended to go a direction with this where in some other circumstance, rian would see alex giving jack a super casual friendly kiss and he’d get all sad/jealous and be like sure why SHOULDNT alex kiss jack after all its just a thing he does with his FRIENDS. but the fic ended up going a different way and honestly? im glad. i like this way better.

the role of singin in the rain in this fic actually has a HILARIOUS backstory because the night i originally wrote that conversation in the tour bus kitchen, i went into the club and said the following

and then. the next day. rian streamed with ricky, and i asked if he’d ever seen singin in the rain, and he ANSWERED ME and said he hadn’t. so first of all i had already written the scene and i then had to rewrite it to make it so rian wouldn’t have seen it but also!!! i literally asked rian fucking dawson if he’d seen a movie for the sole reason of using that information for fanfiction!!!! and he provided me with the information i needed!!!! whole thing is just fucking hysterical to me. ANYWAY.

ANYWAY, the other reason why sitr has such a big role in the fic is because megs and i watched the movie together while i was in the middle of working on the fic, so it was extremely fresh in my mind. in fact i can probably show you this: i had this comment left for myself when i was kind of trying to figure out if i could make a real metaphor of sorts with the sitr ot3 and the Big Three of this fic. some of this ended up in rian’s wild musings in the hotel scene but i did conclude that it wouldn’t really have worked and that was definitely true but anyway. fuck it, director’s cut, here’s the kind of shit i leave for myself to refer to

so that’s part of the reason why it became such a puzzle piece of this fic, but real talk, it’s also just because i love singin in the rain it’s one of my favorite movies lmao

briefly gonna also touch on lisa and why she’s in this fic because i realize that rian/alex/lisa is an interesting approach to rilex! first of all, i love lisa. i love alex and lisa. and it occurred to me that there was really no reason to split lisex up just to make rilex happen. plus there’s this tweet that really just pushed me over the edge of being like yeah, rilisex is extremely plausible. so that’s that on that.

as for the scene in the hotel room while they’re watching sitr, there is a small piece of that scene - from when alex starts kissing rian’s shoulders etc to “it would defy the laws of nature not to” - that i actually wrote before anything else in that scene. that small piece got stretched out and edited quite a bit from how it started but it did function as a sort of foundation around which i built the rest of the scene, because that small section sort of ~came to me~ absolutely out of nowhere, and i really liked the Vibe it had and i wanted to include it. i THINK that was the only piece of this fic that i wrote Out Of Order - for the most part this was written chronologically.

ALSO!!! omg this is exciting, this fic actually has a deleted scene!!!!!! i hate cutting scenes but i also hate having scenes that are less than 1k and this one didn’t really contribute much to the fic. i can probably share it here right? sure why not ! hopefully you can read this. it originally took place after the scene where alex and rian call lisa for the first time. the question of “what gets left into interview videos and what gets cut” is also just interesting to me as a (fic) concept in general so...eyes emoji, but here’s my mini-exploration that i cut from the original fic. enjoy lol it’s silly <3

oh! also one more thing!! the very final scene was included for two reasons. the first reason being that when i write getting-together fics, i really prefer to add on a scene After they Get Together because i love to write domestic established relationship stuff and i think that’s a satisfying reward for a reader who’s just slogged through all the mutual pining and bullshit to get the characters together. but the OTHER reason is that i got an anon (here it is!) and i read that ask and was immediately like well shit. now i have to fucking include this. for the anon and for myself. so you can thank that anon for that last scene. (also i wanted to include merrikat especially since i had to cut their little moment in the interview scene above.)

so....................whew. i think i’ve bled that fic dry. holy shit that’s a lot of Stuff. OKAY! let’s move on.

~

these days you’ve been stuck in my brain

so!!! THIS fic was the breakthrough after (what felt like) a long bout of writer’s block. long for me was maybe two weeks, but i am the kind of person who is always writing, and two weeks was a long time to go with little to no inspiration/motivation to write anything. i had also been in a weird narrative headspace because i’d been binge-watching disney shows (jessie > austin and ally > girl meets world) and i don’t know how well i can explain this but the way those shows are written is a lot snappier and cares way less for realistic and consistent character development or plots or relationships, and so i was stuck between caring a lot about including those things in my fics but also being unable to conceptualize them in writing because my brain was in Disney Writing Mode. does that make sense? this is rhetorical so let’s go with yes. so anyway. i was in a slump

actually what i ended up doing was basically googling something like “au prompts tumblr” or something and just scrolling through posts. i saw something about soulmate telepathy and i actually tried to write something totally different before i wrote this one, but the first attempt was a different concept and then the direction i took it was like......it wasn’t quite right and i realized that i was kind of writing dark disney style? there is really no way for me to explain what i mean by that because it seems really obvious to me but that’s just because i’m inside my own head so just take my word. 

anyway. attempt #1 of soulmate telepathy rilex went poorly, and this fic was attempt #2. i kinda took the soulmate telepathy thing and changed it as i saw fit and i also went back to skim helen’s telepathy fic because obviously she’s the pro and then i tried not to steal her ideas. and as i was writing it i kinda realized i was doing the whole quirky funny best friend character with jack and also doing the whole “somehow this not-very-dramatic situation with teenagers is treated as The Most Dramatic Thing Ever and that’s totally normal and nobody finds it strange” disney trope with rian and alex being soulmates and i was like (deep sigh) i have to accept that no matter how much i try to fight this, this fic is going to be tainted with disney. and that’s life

on top of that i will add that the real-life rilex were extremely inspiring during the two-day period during which i wrote this fic, because that was when the once in a lifetime video came out and in the brief pre-video livestream rilex were Beyond Married and that definitely helped in the writing of fic rilex!

hmmmm what can i tell you about this fic itself.................honestly, i don’t think there’s much to tell! rian is a band kid because in real life rian was a band kid and he’s staff manager at rita’s just like he was in real life. there is truthfully not a lot to unpack here that i can think of!

oh here’s something i guess: rian and alex go on a date in this fic! that is because watching So Much Disney made me realize that i often forget the fact that people just. go on dates. sometimes. look i clearly do not have an active romantic life but i also really liked the idea of alex and rian going on a date despite not knowing if they’d be soulmates or not and liking each other organically just by getting to know each other, rather than being victim to the whole soulmate thing. like i wanted them to build a connection so that they would want to be soulmates. and then the audience would want that for them too. stakes!! very important.

i can tell you i had a mild crisis over the title of the fic because i am not a fan of the word brain and i didnt wanna use that sticky lyric for the title when it had a word i hated but it was objectively a much better title option than the other one i had, which was “sticky just like the song in my head” but i obviously decided on the former and it has not upset me nearly as much as i expected it to so that was the right decision imo

so! i think that’s all on that! sorry (?) that it got so long although then again i don’t know what’s to be expected in a director’s cut for two long fics but thank you for asking me about these, i love them both so very much rilex is so supremely underrated but so very important

[ventivante]

13 Songs Tag 🎵

rules: You can only use one artist for the entire list (no multiple songs from the same artist), so we can all kind of spread new music to the people we tag. Try to listen to at least one of the songs people recommend here

1. A song you loved the first time you listened to and never got tired of? “Soufflé” by Audrey Nuna - this is a pretty chill song but also a little trippy, it’s hard to describe without actually listening to it but it’s got a nice vibe and is totally unique so i end up listening to it on repeat for a long time lmao

2. A song that makes you cry/get emotional every time you listen to? “행복했던 날들이었다 days gone by” by Day6 - this was the first song that popped up when i turned my music on after hearing the news that my grandpa had died. it gave me comfort and still does to this day, and despite the song being about remembering a former lover/significant other, the falling out presented in the lyrics sounded very similar to my grandpa and i’s relationship and how we used to be really close and grew more distant the older i got and after i moved away. i hadn’t seen my grandpa for three years when he died, but i still have the memories of when we were closer and during very happy times, so this is a very bittersweet song for me

3. A song that always makes you happy? “MIROH” by Stray Kids - this song always makes me wanna get up and dance no matter what mood i’m in, it instantly perks me up and makes me feel better and more energized after listening to it. i love the faster paced songs and this is right up my alley so it’s perfect if i’m trying to cheer myself up

4. A song you would dedicate to your best friend and/or your family? “Hard Times” by Paramore - this is to my best fucking friend in the whole world who i love so much. i know we struggle a lot both separately and together, but we got each other in this big mean world and i’ve got your back no matter what. this is our favorite band, and it gives me flashbacks to us driving around our little ass hometown in high school (even though this came out WAAAAY after we graduated lol) grabbing wendy’s french fries and cheese sauce, just talking and laughing and crying together. you’re not on tumblr much anymore and you dont follow this blog because you arent a kpoppie like me so you probably won’t ever see this but i am so happy you tolerate my annoying rants about whatever tangent i’m on, thank you for everything, you make the hard times easier, i love you forever, ILYBBBBB!!! IANGSLYBBBBBBB!!!

5. A song with production (sounds, beats, mood, etc.) you love? “Yummy” by Justin Bieber - i have such a love/hate relationship with this song, because the instrumentals and beats are so addictive! the lyrics though....so horrible omg if i was his wife i would be offended this was the best he could come up with for a song written about me i’ve never been a bieber fan either so i was expecting to completely hate this song, but the instrumental is enough to keep me listening to it, idk, it’s definitely a guilty pleasure song though (the remix of it he did with Summer Walker is SO MUCH BETTER, SHE SAVED THIS SONG FORREAL PLEASE CHECK IT OUT)

6. A song with perfect, amazing, outstanding lyrics? “Norman fucking Rockwell” by Lana Del Rey - HOOOOO BOY LANA WAS NOT FUCKING PLAYING WITH THIS SONG, BILLIE EILISH IMMA LET YOU FINISH BUT NFR SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN ALBUM OF THE YEAR JSJS. but seriously, this is such an eloquent ‘fuck you’ to those pretentious ass guys we all come into contact with and honestly, how raw of a line is ‘you fucked me so good i almost said i love you’? VERYYYYY, LANA IS QUEEN

7. A song that you would recommend to anyone? “Color Blind” by Maddox - this is something i would more so recommend to someone who was maybe just starting to get into kpop/k-r&b or isn’t really a fan of the boy/girl group stuff, it’s much more mellow and a really beautiful song, but i would also recommend it to anyone as a good song to listen to because it’s very easy listening and Maddox has such wonderful vocals

8. A song you don’t understand why you like so much but you do anyway? “Cry for Me” by Camila Cabello - ......ngl i dont care for lil miss camila as a person but i dig this song a lot, it’s got a good beat and is a pretty spiteful song i can relate to when i’m feeling petty, reminds me of a particular ex i wish was able to see how they hurt me but that’s all in the past now

9. A song you think people in general don’t like but you do? “Cherry Bomb” by NCT 127 - idk why people don’t like this song???? genuinely???? it’s actually the song that made me stan NCT in the first place, and tbh the ‘if you happy and you know it clap your hands’ made me roll my eyes but it was (AND STILL IS) a complete bop, and it really surprised me when i heard that a lot of people hated it

10. A song people normally like that you don’t? “Feel Special” by TWICE - BEFORE YOU COME FOR ME, I DO ACTUALLY LIKE THIS SONG! however, i like “Fancy” a lot better, but the consensus with most onces is that “Feel Special” is superior, which i disagree with. both songs are great, but my personal preference is more upbeat happier songs, hence why i like “Fancy” better

11. A song you would call a masterpiece? “Dope Queen Blues” by Adia Victoria - this is arguably my favorite genre/style of music and it is just perfect, Adia Victoria is a wonderful artist, she has a perfect blend of melancholy lyrics, a haunting voice, and plenty of soul that just genuinely makes this song (well any of them really) a true masterpiece in my opinion, definitely listen to her if you love blues/soul music

12. A song you recently (within the last 30 days) discovered and really liked? “No Shame” by Eric Nam - i had been meaning to listen to some of Eric Nam’s music because i never had before but wanted to give it a try and this happened to come on my playlist earlier today and i really dug it right of the bat, so i’ll definitely need to check out more of his stuff

13. A song you listen to that gets you pumped/ready to tear down the government/fight? “Absinthe” by punchnello - this song makes me wanna punch holes in walls and curb stomp bitches that test me, it’s so aggressive and i like listening to it when i’m pissed off about something or other (also i would never actually curb stomp someone, i’m too much of a softie and i get steamrolled on the daily because i’m a huge pushover)

holy shit this was actually a lot harder than i expected it to be, but thanks to @thefullmobb for tagging me in this, i really liked doing this! i will be tagging @kihyunsbabe @wonuflower @wonseoks @dejoovu @baekhyunbitz @joohoneybunch @broccoli-channie-soup and anyone else who would like to participate!

[hiiggsmonaghan]

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 910 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 1920 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 2930 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 3940 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 4950 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 5960 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 6970 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 7980 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 8990 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99

Are you fuckin’ kidding me--?

Alright, I’ll answer them ALL. 

1. Name: Higgs Monaghan Silver/Silvio

2. Nationality: Canadian/Acadian

3. Age: 22

4. Birthday: July 19th 

5. Zodiac sign (or your primal zodiac sign): Cancer

6. Gender: cis male

7. Sexuality: Gay

8. Your looks (add a picture or describe yourself):  This will have to wait until a special reveal. (Future cosplay things.)

9. What do you/did you study?: ... Does Egyptian history count?

10. What's your current job like?/What job would you like to have?: [Nervous laughter] I have no idea what I’d like to do for a job. 

-

11. Your birth order: First child

12. How many siblings do you have?: 1 “real” sibling, but so many siblings by bond.

13. Do you have good relations with your family?: Biological family? Absolutely not. Except for two of my cousins. They are cool.

14. How many friends do you have?: Too many that it’s obnoxious. [Just kidding, I appreciate you all.]

15. Your relationship status: Taken/Engaged

16. What do you look for in a SO?: Someone who can kick my ass. [Who can handle my anger outbursts]

17. Do you have a crush?: No. 

18. When did you have your first kiss?: When I was 14. It was forced and was a terrible experience. 

19. Do you prefer serious and meaningful relationships or casual dating/one night stands?: Meaningful ones, funny enough.

20. What are your deal breakers?: Overly clingy, too loud, not respectful of my music choices

-

21. How was your day?: Cold. Snowstorm happened today.

22. Favourite food & drink: Pizzas/cheeseburgers || Strawberry slushie with tapioca pearls/orange juice

23. What position do you sleep in?: Fetal position. [Hahahah... ha.]

24. What was your last dream about?: Cannot remember.

25. Your fears: The ocean [drowning], deep forests.. uhh... There are others but I cannot think of it at the moment

26. Your dreams: To be on my goddamn motorcycle, livin’ a good life without my mental illness in the way.

27. Your goals: See above.

28. Any pets?: Not yet! Planin’ to get a black cat soon!

29. What are your hobbies?: Music and readin’

30. Any cool places in your area?: Pfft, no. It’s so fuckin’ boring here.

31. What was your last awkward situation?: I was at Tim Horton’s and there was a baby cryin’ behind me so I looked over at it and played... peek-a-boo with them. It was...weird. But at least the baby shut up. The mother didn’t do shit to make the baby stop cryin’ so.. Great Parenting.

32. What is your last regret?: Well too many to really talk about but I’ll go with the funny route and my last regret was not goin’ to Burger King yesterday and eatin’ salad instead of a burger. 

33. Language/s you can speak: English

34. Do you believe in astrological stuff? (Zodiac, tarot, etc.): Not really. It’s all just whatever for me.

35. Have any quirks?: I bite my nails often... I pretend to conduct music while it is playing... uh...???

36. Your pet peeves: Everything.

37. Ideal vacation: Anywhere away from North America.

38. Any scars?: Many. 

39. What does your last text message say?: “Nah”

40. Last 5 things from your search history: Twitter, Vargskelethor’s twitch, Cloud Strife, YouTube, FF7 remake release date

41. What's your [device] background?: RK900 from Detroit Become Human

42. What do you daydream about?: Usually having super strength and throwing people whom bother me across the world or just... punchin’ them. 

43. Describe your dream home: A  simple house, really. Nothin’ too fancy. Just the idea of havin’ my own house? Even if it isn’t that big or anythin’... That is a dream for me. Oh, and I want it painted black. Hah.

44. What's your religion/Your thought about religion: I’d say I’m atheist but... I do believe in God. I AM God. :)

45. Your personality type:  ISTP-T

46. The most dangerous thing you've done: [Looks at the list of dangerous things I have done] ... There are too many

47. Are you happy with your current life?: At the moment? Yeah. There are things I am still angry about but it’s... fine.

48. Some things you've tried in your life: Smoking. Drawing. Singing. Writing. Playing the guitar. ???

-

49. What does your wardrobe consist of?: Black and reds. 

50. Favourite colour to wear?: Black.

51. How would you describe your style?: Goth/punk

52. Are you happy with your current looks?: Eh.. Not really but it’s all I got.

53. If you could change/add something to your appearance - impossible or not - what would it be?: Grow. Damn. Facial. Hair. Holy FUCK.

54. Any tattoos or piercings?: Snake bites. But I took one out so only one lip piercing now. And tattoos? Soon. Very soon. [Gonna be Higgs’ themed, baby.]

55. Do you get complimented often?: No and when I do I make it Stop. I hate it. Never compliment me. 

56. Favourite aesthetic?: Black/gold aesthetics as of late.

57. A popular trend that you dislike: Everything. I hate them all.

- [FINALLY THE ONES I WANTED, JESUS CHRIST]

58. Songs you're currently obsessed with?:  Allesfresser by LINDEMANN 

It’s a great song to listen to for me because I just punch my punching bag to this song. Makes my anger just... go away. It’s fuckin’ nice.

59. Song you normally wouldn't admit you like: .... Let’s Dance by David Bowie

I am a new fan of David Bowie. It just literally started in July or late June. I’m the typical metal head but for some reason Bowie just caught my ear? I dunno, man.

60. Favourite genre?: METAL. Well, Power Metal. I love all sorts of metal except for like.. most death metal/black metal. It is too much for me sometimes. But yeah, if yall are into metal... I’m all ears. I love talkin’ about metal.

61. Favourite artist/band/genre?: Well I already spoke about my favorite genre. For favorite bands? God... Uh.. I have a list here of favorite bands/musicians. Check it out if you’re interested. 

62. Hated popular songs/artists?: Honestly? I’m gonna be one of those guys and say pretty much everything on the radio these days. I don’t like pop/rap and all the most popular stuff. Turning the radio on is ear torture these days. Except for the rock channel, that one is okay most of the time.

63. Put your music on shuffle and list first 5:

1 - System of a Down’s Chop Suey in the Style of Ghost by Ten Second Songs

This guy is simply AMAZING. If yall haven’t already, you NEED to check out his channel. He is wicked talented and he has different styles for different songs. Like for example, Metallica’s Enter Sandman in the style of David Bowie. It’s amazing. 

Check him out. His YouTube is Ten Second Songs.

2 - City by Hollywood Undead

This one just gives me my inner Higgs’ vibes. That is really all I can say.

3 - Mein Teil by Rammstein

4 - Cars by Fear Factory

5 -  龍が如く極 - Turning Point [From Yakuza Kiwami]

Yeah, hi. Yakuza fan here. Do I have to say any more? 

64. Can you sing or play any instruments?: I can kind of sing, [very badly, mind you] and sort of play the guitar. I’m tryin’ to learn Come as You Are by Nirvana at the moment... but that’s about it

65. Do you like karaoke?: 

.... Yes. My inner Nishiki in me just cannot lie about this.

66. Own any albums?: Absolutely. I am a firm believer in albums rather than just buying them digitally. I love having an actual copy in my hands rather just on the computer. 

67. Do you listen to radio? What stations?: Not really. I only listen to the rock station.

-

68. Favourite movie/series?: Star Wars.

69. Favourite genre of movies/books/etc: Uhhh... I don’t know

70. Your fictional crush/es: Sam Fuckin’ Porter Bridges, General Hux, RK900...

71. Which fictional character is you?: [Chuckles nervously] 

Higgs Monaghan-- 

Too many to write down. I’ll just pass myself the trouble.

72. Are you a shipper? List your otps, if so: Eh not really. Only like.. Gavin/RK900 [Reed900] and General Hux/Kylo Ren [Kylux/Huxlo]

73. Favourite greek god?: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh? I don’t know?

74. A legend from where you live that you like: None.

75. Do you like art? What's your favourite work or artist?: I’m gonna be cheesy and say all of my friends because it’s true. I love my friends art.

76. Can you share your other social media?: Yeah sure. My twitter is @hiiggsmonaghan

77. Favourite youtubers?: Markiplier, Jacksepticeye... Streamers: Vargskelethor and Vinesauce

78. Favourite platform?: Tumblr and Twitter

79. How much time do you spend on the internet?: .. Too long

80. What video games have you played? Which one's your favourite?: Ones I have PLAYED that are my favorite: Pokemon, Devil May Cry, Final Fantasy XV, Yakuza 0/Kiwami. 

I also have a lot a games I love that I just watched. Like a lot of Legend of Zelda games and of course Death Stranding!

81. Your favourite books (manga also counts): Anything really by William Blake. I guess that really isn’t a “book” but.. all I really read are poems, Shakespearean plays and Egyptian history books.

82. Do you play board/card games?: No

83. Have you ever been to a night marathon in cinema?: No

84. Favourite holiday: Halloween

85. Are you into dramas?: Not really.

-

86. Would you use death note, if you had one?: ABSOLUTELY. And I do have one. Well... a replica. Not the real one of course.

87. What changes would you make in the world, no matter how impossible, if you had the power to?: Get rid of the racists, rapists, pedos and homo/trans phobes. The world would just be more pleasant to live in, yeah?

88. Could you survive a zombie apocalypse?: Probably. Because I stay inside a lot anyway.

89. If you had to be turned into a paranormal being, what would it be?: A demon because I am that fuckin’ edgy.

90. What would you want to happen to you after your death?: VOID OUT, BITCH. Uh, I don’t know. 

91. If you had to change your name, what would be your pick?: I did change my name so I am happy with it. 

92. Who would you switch your life with for a week?: Uh.. No one. Can that be an option?

93. Pick an emoji to be your tattoo: The devil smiling one I guess?

94. Write 3 things about yourself - only one of them must be true

1. I am in a poly relationship while I am also engaged.

2. I have a knife collection

3.I still used an mp3 instead of using my phone for music

-

95. Cold or hot?: ... Cold because you can get warm with blankets and sweaters while if you are hot, it’s damn impossible to not be hot.

96. Be a hero or be a villain?: Hero in my eyes, but to all of you I’m the villain for some DAMN reason.

97. Sing everything you want to say or rhyme?: Sing I guess. Imagine singing in metal. Holy SHIT

98. Shapeshifting or controlling time?: CONTROLLING TIME.

99. Be immortal or be immune to everything aside from natural death?: Immune to everything. I’m sick of being sick.

====

And there you have it. I’m... fuckin’ DONE. This took literal HOURS, ANON. I hope yall read through this.

[ladyofpurple]

answer all of the questions!!

holy SHIT ok bless you omg

(sorry it's a full day late i took this shit SERIOUSLY. don't ask me how many hours this took, i was in A Mood™️ last night. removed the ones already answered xoxo)

angel; have you ever been in love?

yeah. didn't end too well, but i loved him.

petal; favorite novel and author?

this is like asking me to pick a favorite child. i guess favorite author would be stephen king, if only based entirely on the sheer quantity of his books i own alone. favorite book would probably be special topics in calamity physics by marisha pessl, and i'm only saying that because it's been my go-to response for years. i have lots of favorite books. ask me again in five minutes and i'll give you another one.

honey perfume; favorite perfume/scent?

freshly made coffee. lilacs. jasmine. cut grass. the ground after it rains. chocolate chip cookies in the oven. cigarette smoke on skin. my mom's shampoo. my grandma. my dog when he's just had a bath. thanksgiving dinner. acrylic paint on canvas. sawdust. that one cologne i can't name but can smell on a guy from a mile away. mulled cranberry and apple juice. vanilla. coconut. fresh laundry. peppermint.

sweet pea; what’s your zodiac?

virgo sun, pisces moon, scorpio rising ✨

softie; talk about your sexuality.

i'm biromantic asexual, primarily attracted to men more than women (but have had too many crushes on girls to consider myself het), generally sex repulsed when it comes to the thought of having it myself. i prefer to call myself queer in passing conversation, it's easier than explaining asexuality and the differences between sexual and romantic attraction. if someone asks more specifically, i'll usually just call myself bi for simplicity's sake, even though the ace part is a much more important (to me) part of my identity. monogamous as fuck.

i'm still struggling with internalized homophobia and a lot of "am i even queer enough" thoughts, which is super fun. took me a long time to even consider the fact that i might like girls at all. i'll probably never come out to my parents. not that they'd, like, disown me or whatever, but they're juuuuust homophobic/transphobic enough that my few attempts to educate them when they say something A Little Yikes have shown me that i should probably just stay in the closet unless i absolutely have to come out. like i'm getting married to a woman or something.

sugarplum; what’s the color of your eyes and hair?

i usually say my eyes are green because it's easier, and they mostly are, but i have rings of greyish blue around the irises and sometimes they're more hazel in the middle. they always have a green tint to them though, even if the intensity of the green varies.

my natural hair is brown, a little on the darker and slightly ashy side of completely generic. currently a former blonde, although i'm hoping to bleach my fucking YEAR of growout soon, and then go some crazy color as a last hurrah before i have to go dark again. being broke fucking sucks.

wings; coffee or tea?

tea!! black tea. chai, to be specific, with an irresponsible amount of milk and sugar. chai lattes are a fucking drug okay? coffee makes me sick (not a judgement, a literal fact. last time i tried some i threw up).

fairytale; are you a cat or dog person?

cat!! but my family has a chihuahua named sonny and you can pry that little monster from my cold dead hands ok i will fight you.

snowflake; favorite time period?

okay, i wrote and rewrote my answer to this about 10 times. then i tried to divide it up into categories (aesthetics, history, fashion, vibes, geographical location, etc), but that didn't help. so basically: i don't have one, because i have too many.

i like the american 20s-60s for the aesthetic, music/movies, and the fashion. i also like the european 1600s-1800s for the interesting history and also vibe. i love the french and russian revolutions — the fashion! the art! the wars and political upheaval! I FUCKING LOVE HISTORY. then, of course, we can't forget the rennaisance. or the witch trials (pick your continent). and ancient greece? the roman empire? hello?? did i mention empires? how bout we mosy on over to south america — can i interest you in the mayans? incans? aztecs? what about china and japan? korea? vietnam? and don't even get me fucking STARTED on the black plague.

ancient egypt? sign me the FUCK UP. vikings? yes please. the celts? oh boy. the MYTHOLOGY. the ARCHITECTURE. the LANGUAGES and POLITICS and LITERATURE and REVOLUTIONS and GOD HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CHOOSE BETWEEN ANY OF THESE

i uh. might have gotten a little excited. basically i like history a lot. and mythology. and linguistics. and cultural practices. and the politics and prejudices behind wars and stuff. and learning in general. moving on.

vanilla; do you believe in ghosts?

let's put it this way: i don't not believe in ghosts??

listen. we don't know jack shit. we don't know what happens after we die, there are constant scientific revelations that turn our understanding of the universe completely upside-down, and there is literally no way to know which religions or myths or urban legends could have some grain of truth to them. like, dude, i've literally thought i was haunted before. psychology is bananas and the universe is infinite.

demons could be real. ghosts could be real. what if we just haven't invented the necessary technology to prove it yet? what if we never do, and they just fuck around alongside us, moving furniture and making shadow puppets on the walls just for kicks until the earth explodes? what if that one tumblr post was right and ghosts are actually real people from alternate universes or timelines that we see accidentally bc some cosmic wires got crossed? who fucking knows.

i love horror movies and scary stories and ghost hunter shows just as much as the next gal. but listen. psychics? mediums? people who accept every single creepypasta retold third-hand from their neighbor's kid's classmate's second cousin who "totally knows a guy"? doubt.jpeg

i don't understand the sheer amount of assumptions made willy-nilly about the nature of ghosts and demons and things that go bump in the night. the assumption that "oh this machine that totally doesn't look like a coathanger taped to a walkman will work because ghosts have this temperature and can always communicate like this and are electromagnetic" or whatever just baffles me. to a certain degree, following a general consensus is one thing — some basic things everyone can agree on? that's cool. ghosts can walk through walls and are probably dead people or whatever. but oh my god, taking every single story as absolute, undeniable proof?? taking these stories and expanding on them to infer intentions and scientific facts to something that by it's very nature is unknowable and assuming, like, every spirit is created equal?? and yeah, ghost hunting shows are fun and campy and kinda creepy but like. you really, genuinely don't think any of them have ever faked anything at all??? even if ghosts are real, it's fucking reality tv, my dude. it's the entertainment industry. at least maintain the slightest ounce of critical thought before taking zak bagans' word as the goddamn gospel.

and sidenote, maybe it's just my limited exposure as a white woman in the western world, but of all the shows and podcasts and movies and documentaries and whatnot i've been able to find and consume, there's the constant use of christian ideology applied to every situation that just really burns my bacon. what, there's never been an atheist ghost? if you see a shadow person and you don't know the lord's prayer by heart, are you automatically fucked? why are there never stories about, i don't know, viking ghosts? does your religion in life preclude you from becoming a ghost in the first place? is that why people never mention buddhist ghosts? i don't get it, and that's why even though i'm self-admittedly the most superstitious person i've ever met, true believers make me roll my eyes so hard they almost fall out. makes me come across as more skeptical than i theoretically am. I HAVE VERY STRONG FEELINGS ABOUT THIS OK

but like, you couldn't pay me to fuck with a ouija board. i'm not stupid.

delicate; diamonds or pearls?

both have their appeal and their place, but diamonds, i guess. i like the sparkle. but fake ones!! or synthetic. diamonds are overpriced and artificial scarcity is a scam and i don't need a dumb rock that some poor person in a mine somewhere was exploited and possibly died for. no blood diamonds in this house, thank you very much.

if i ever get engaged, i don't want a diamond ring. i'd want something cool, a little unusual, like a ruby or a sapphire or some other sparkly gem that isn't literally shoved in your face every waking moment as the expected standard symbol of True Love. they're cheaper, they're cool-looking, as a ring they still hold the cultural symbolism of an engagement/wedding ring. and honestly, as long as it's well-made and durable, whatever hypothetical gem it is doesn't have to be real either. i'm a woman of simple needs and demonstrably low standards. no point in going into debt for a fucking piece of jewelry, regardless of ~tradition~.

lavender dream; favorite album?

oh lord. welcome to the black parade, i guess. or anything by panic! at the disco. there are dozens of possible options — my interests are mercurial and my memory is garbage. but i'll always be an emo little shit. black parade and vices and virtues were also the first two albums i ever listened to where i loved every single song on them, and i happened to listen to them for the first time at around the same point in my life (i got into mcr super late. like, 2012 late. rip).

silky; what’s your biggest dream?

it's cheesy but i guess i just want stability and, by extension, happiness. emotional stability, mental stability, financial stability, stable living situation, stable routines, stable relationships... you get the idea. i have ambitions and passions, of course, but my ultimate goal is happiness at this point in my life, and i'm pretty sure stabilizing all those things would go a pretty long way in achieving that goal.

a little apartment with walls i can paint because white walls make me angry. bookshelves and posters and fandom merch on every wall. a computer i can actually play games on again, and somewhere i can paint and draw and record my podcasts. someone who loves me, maybe. a cat, if i'm stable enough. space for people to come visit me, and a place for them to sleep if they need. a tiny balcony, if i really want to shoot for the stars. a job i don't hate. the spoons to hang out with my friends, and the money to not worry about buying little presents for the people i care about sometimes. i don't need much.

strawberry kiss; do you have a crush right now?

nope.

glitter; favorite fictional character?

another loaded question. like books, if you ask me again in five minutes i'll probably give you a different answer. but in this particular moment, caleb and jester from critical role (please don't make me choose between them). i won't go full shipping mode rn, but jester is so funny and silly and sweet, so much more complex than she seems, and she tries so hard to make everyone happy even when she's so sad inside. the healer who treats healing as an inconvenience in battle (she's so fucking valid and also mood), the glue that keeps the party together. and caleb learning to trust again, facing his trauma and coming out of his shell. he loves his friends so much he plays wizard as a support class and i love him so much.

i love the mighty nein in general, of course, and all the guests/honorary members they've had. pumat!! pls don't be evil reani!! keg!! shakäste and grand duchess anastasia!! cali!! kiri!!!! the brotps! empire siblings! chaos crew! nott the best detective agency! i still love molly and all his assholery to bits (fight me), and mourn his lost potential. i adore yasha, even when she's gone; fjord has grown so much; beau and nott and caduceus — i love all their flaws and disagreements and their character arcs and the excitement of watching them grow and learn. but if i had to choose, caleb, jester and molly have always been my top 3 since day 1 and, well, molly isn't really an option anymore.

but like i said, ask me again in a minute. i have a fucking list.

swan; share a quote or passage that means something to you.

a collection of things off the top of my head:

Elinor agreed to it all, for she did not think he deserved the compliment of rational opposition. — Sense and Sensibility, Jane Austen

a tired feminist Mood™️

"What I say is, a town isn't a town without a bookstore. It may call itself a town, but unless it's got a bookstore, it knows it's not foolin' a soul." — American Gods, Neil Gaiman

i got my love of books from my grandma — some of my favorites i got from her. sometimes, as a treat, she used to take my sister and i to bookstores and we'd stay there for ages, getting to pick one out, roaming the shelves, the mental torture of having to choose. the peace of being surrounded by thousands of potential worlds, so much information, so many stories just waiting to be told; being surrounded by strangers who share that same wonder. the anxious drive home so we could read them, being unable to wait that long so i inevitably start reading in the car and make myself sick. telling her in excited detail all my favorite parts. if we were lucky, maybe we got to split a bear claw, or she'd drive past starbucks and get us something there too (tall vanilla soy steamer with one pump of vanilla syrup, whipped cream on top that always melted too quickly and squirted out the hole in the lid, so hot it burned my tongue but so good i didn't care). i have never felt more at home than i do when i'm surrounded by books.

"There are a lot of different types of freedom. We talk about freedom the same way we talk about art, like it was a statement of quality rather than a description. “Art” doesn’t mean good or bad. Art just means art. It can be terrible and still be art. Freedom can be good or bad, too. There can be terrible freedom. You freed me, and I didn’t ask you to." — Alice Isn't Dead, season 1, chapter 2: Alice

as cringey as it is to admit it, this line made me cry a lot after my breakup.

"So you aren't American?" asked Shadow.

"Nobody's American," said Wednesday. "Not originally. That's my point." — American Gods, Neil Gaiman

[side-eyes white america real hard]

there's more, of course. there's always more. don't even get me started on song lyrics, we'll be here all day.

lace; what’s your favorite plant/flower?

lilacs and roses.

mermaid; do you prefer the forest or the ocean? why?

both, i guess. but in different ways, and in different circumstances.

the sea is wild. it is endless and deep and unknowable. it is beautiful and dangerous. i am terrified of the ocean, and yet my favorite place in the world is an empty beach on the oregon coast. i have picked sand from between my toes for days with hair crusted in salt, danced around bonfires and watched the stars while marshmallows burn, gotten pulled under the waves as a child and nearly swept out to sea. picked starfish and crabs from small pools in the rocks, and swum (accidentally) with wild sea lions. in a long skirt, too early in the year to be swimming, i once took off my shoes and waded fully clothed into the water to my waist and just... danced. splashed and kicked and laughed with a boy i barely knew until our throats were sore and our toes were numb, walking home hours later with our soaked clothes clinging to our legs, shoes squelching, dripping algae as we went. the ocean is freeing and overwhelming all at once. i love it and am petrified by it in equal measure.

the forest is beautiful in a different way. it is silent and dense and serene. you are surrounded by life and yet, somehow, completely alone. there is magic in the forest, and history, and even when all else dies, that will remain. the trees grow from the corpses of their ancestors, and some have lived dozens of our lifetimes — with luck, a few dozen more. it is quiet there, peaceful, even the tiniest wood in the middle of a city muffling the outside world through the trees. you can feel the ancient ways deep in your soul as you follow winding paths strewn with fallen leaves, the mystery and wonder and superstitions of your forefathers. you wonder what it would be like, to run your fingers over the moss, to take off your shoes and socks and just run, leaping and dancing over rocks and roots, hair wild and air filling your lungs in deep, pure gulps as you shed the responsibilities and struggles of modern life, for just a moment remembering what freedom tastes like. it is primal, this connection to nature, one we have nearly forgotten over time. and as the sky grows dark and the silence of night presses against you, shadows looming, every footfall deafening, perhaps you begin to understand why some believed in monsters.

honeymoon; do you keep a journal?

i used to. honestly, that's a good idea, i should start doing that again. lord knows i have enough empty journal-type books.

starlight; do you believe in love at first sight and soulmates? why/why not?

i want to. i want to believe there's someone out there for me, the love of my life, someone to whom i'll be the love of their life, and that when i meet them i'll just... know.

but when i met my ex, i didn't really look twice at him for a while — no love at first sight. and when we were together, when i loved him and he swore he loved me back, i thought he hung the stars in the sky and knew i would marry him someday. couldn't even consider the idea that that wouldn't happen. and then when he broke up with me, he ghosted me so suddenly and thoroughly that he even preemptively cut contact with every single one of our mutual friends he thought might side with me in the breakup, before anybody even knew we'd had a fight. so, not soulmates either.

i really want to believe that someday the perfect romance will just fall into place and i can have the happily ever after i've always dreamed of. but the reality is i might never even have another s.o. for the rest of my life. maybe i'll get hit by a car tomorrow, or my hypothetical soulmate moves to argentina to become an alpaca farmer on a mountain somewhere and we never even meet. maybe i'm so traumatized by the betrayal and lies that i'll never have the courage to even try again.

and even so, happily ever after doesn't have to include a fairytale romance, regardless of whether i want it or not. i still like to cling to that hope though, deep down.

princess; what do you value most in people?

i'm going to assume you mean "real people" as in people i have positive relationships with, and not random strangers on the street.

loyalty. kindness. support. humor. similar values. patience. being able to grow together and teach each other things, so we can make each other better. honesty. trust. compassion. confidence. emotional vulnerability. communication. intelligence, or at least a willingness to learn. strength.

[thedrowsydoormouse]

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?

All the time. I wouldn’t be shocked if I woke up one day still as a little kid and all this was some weird fever dream.

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?

Is 0 an option? If not then 1. 

3. The person you would never want to meet?

Jared Leto. I have zero interest being sexually harassed or any of the other shit he thinks is ok. My other answer would’ve been Harvey Weinstein but I’ve regrettably already met him at a party when I was 13 and promptly threw up in a trash can because the vibes I got off him were so negative they made me physically ill.

4. What is your favorite word?

Fuck. It’s so versatile.

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?

Palm tree. 

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?

“Holy shit! My hair’s still curly! I thought that bun fucked it up!”

7. What shirt are you wearing?

A super old black tank top with a faded Union Jack on it that’s covered in holes but is super comfy so I wear it to bed.

8. What do you label yourself as?

Demi-pansexual goth-y punk rocker chick with emotional intimacy issues, a biting wit, and a flair for the dramatic

9. Bright room or dark room?

Dark. I’m like a vampire. I hate the light. It gives me headaches.

10. What were you doing at midnight last night?

Watching TV.

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?

So far 25 has been pretty good.

12. Who told you they loved you last?

My partner.

13. Your worst enemy?

Red meat. Makes me crazy sick.

14. What is your current desktop picture?

15. Do you like someone?

It’d be awkward if I didn’t considering I’m in a committed relationship.

16. The last song you listened to?

Basket Case by Green Day.

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

Trump. It’d solve so many problems.

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

Trump. Any question like this has the exact same answer.

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?

I’d make Trump be my slave while I donate both of our time helping the homeless and the “illegal” immigrants in Downtown LA. That way I can punish him while also doing some good.

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)

My hair. When I let it air dry it has the best curls I’ve ever seen!

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?

I’d probably look the same but without tits and I’d probably jerk off a lot.

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?

I can always predict when my brother’s going to be home to within a 10 minute window.

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?

Dying at Disneyland.

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.

Caprese sandwich. It’s just as good fresh as it is as a grilled cheese.

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?

Probably on either makeup or skincare because I need to replace a few things that I’m running low on.

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?

Tokyo Disney Resort. 

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?

Captain Morgan Watermelon Smash. I love watermelon and I love rum and that’s the best mix of the two.

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

Every single person is equal. Full stop. Anyone who says otherwise is banished back to the mainland.

29. What is your favorite expletive?

Fuck.

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?

My dance bag. It has a lot of good memories attached to it and has my first pair of pointe shoes in it which I can’t replace.

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

Watching the plane hit the 2nd tower live on TV on 9/11 when I was only 7. It fucked me up so badly I’m still in therapy for it.

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world! 

I’d probably wanna move to either Paris or Tokyo.

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

Carrie Fisher. The world needs our crazy space mom to shock it back into the good timeline.

34. What was your last dream about?

It was super mundane. I was painting my nails. They were gorgeous.

35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]?

I’m good at a lot of things.

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?

No. And I hope I never am until I’m in a body bag on my way to the morgue.

37. Have you ever built a snowman?

I’m from Southern California. We don’t get snow.

38. What is the color of your socks?

One is aqua with flamingos and pineapples and the other is grey with rainbows and clouds. They are also currently inside out.

39. What type of music do you like?

I mostly listen to punk, grunge, classing rock, show tunes, stuff like that. I’m pretty open to everything except religious, children's, and rap. And free-form jazz. I hate that shit.

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

Sunsets.

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?

It depends on where I’m getting it but anything super sugary.

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer)

I hate football. The only sport I even sorta watch is baseball.

43. Do you have any scars?

A few. None of them are very noticeable, though, and they’re all in hidden places.

44. What do you want to be when you graduate? 

I wanted to do something in the entertainment industry. So I studied costume design. Instead I just fucked up my mental and physical heath almost to the point of no return.

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

Nothing. I love myself exactly as I am.

46. Are you reliable?

Shockingly, yes. I seem super flaky but if you need someone to get something done or remember some random shit I’m your girl.

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?

Depends on how far in the future. But I think it would be who wins the presidential election this year. Because if we have to deal with 4 more years of Trump I’m going to kill myself.

48. Do you hold grudges?

Like you wouldn’t believe.

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?

CatDog. And not just because of the cartoon from when I was a kid.

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?

Me and my therapist were talking about how Columbus is the reason humans have chlamydia.

51. Are you a good liar?

Extremely. 

52. How long could you go without talking?

However long I need to. I spend a lot of time alone so talking isn’t really a big deal for me.

53. What has been you worst haircut/style?

I once had a bob when I was a kid. It wasn’t a good look. I don’t have the bone structure.

54. Have you ever baked your own cake?

I love baking and cakes are super fun to make!

55. Can you do any accents other than your own?

Many! I used to do theatre and the more accents you could do the more roles you could get.

56. What do you like on your toast?

Butter. Melted. I’m a simple girl.

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?

I was watching Next In Fashion and got pissed that they didn’t have a single plaid fabric in the studio so I drew this red carpet look using almost entirely plaids.

58. What would be you dream car?

A motorcycle.

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain.

I love to sing in the bath. I even have a special playlist that’s just songs I sing in the bath.

60. Do you believe in aliens?

I’d be stupid not to.

61. Do you often read your horoscope?

I used to. Not so much anymore.

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?

This is a stupid question.

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?

Dragons. Hands down.

64. What do you think about babies?

Cool in theory, horrible in practice. I will never be a mom.

65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of.

I’ll use the same question I asked @anangelamuse-castiel-spnfam​ which was “If your universe suddenly stopped existing and you had to pick another one to live in, which would you pick?” and my answer would be probably the one that I keep seeing in my head that I’m writing a book about because I know shit isn’t going to hit the fan and the world is actually on the mend. But only if I can swap places with the main character of the book because she’s awesome and I love the way her story ends.