#i MISS THEM SO MUCH and im so ANGRY IM NOT HYPERFIXATED ON THEM ANYMORE

[scorpsposting]

umm… hi😁

[humongousgothskeletonfarm]

tsc thoughts while reading (beware of spoilers) starting with -

david wymack my fucking beloved

also i never rlly liked/cared for thea but her scene with jean and her nickname for him was cute

chapter 3 thoughts:

jeremy being in awe of neil and the foxes is giving me life

fanfics with alvarez in them gonna go crazy now that we actually have a first name for her (and don’t have to invent one)

oh they rich rich (in reference to jeremy’s family butler?!)

jerejean first interaction!!!!

chapter 4:

omg sunshine court mentioned

having the sudden realisation that i can never read fanfics that have jean’s perspective or anything about the how the ravens work, raven!neil/aftermath of the kings men in the same way again

my neighbours are having a party and while i’m loving the music and absolutely jealous i’m not there, it’s really distracting me from reading

ngl i rlly miss neil and andrew and the foxes please let me see my family soon

‘ what you hold onto is less important than the act of holding on itself’ nora sakavic shut the fuck up you philosophical genius i’m gonna cry this is so real to me

renee i love u

WIT WTF JEAN IS NINETEEN I DIDNT KNOW THAT OH MY GOD BABY HE JOINED THE RAVEN LINEUP AT SIXTEEN WTF

i’m drinking red wine while reading and i think that’s appropriate… also i’m listening to that jean moreau playlist someone made and it’s mega depressing https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5zlPt63Ap0AjJQ1Ff5OKrd?si=75oEzLE8SO-bfJwewM8Evw&pi=a-ge04jIlVTJGY

this is so funny to only me but i’ve been hyperfixating on one direction again and zayn just dropped new music so everytime i read about jean’s raven roomate zane i think of one direction and confused myself a bit about what fandom i’m reading rn

fuck riko u sick fucking fuck u put jean into a box with a singular hole for air and left him to die u fucking cunt

KEVIN ASKING JEAN TO PROMISE NOT TO KILL HIMSELF AFTER NORA WROTE COUNTLESS DRAFTS IN WHICH JEAN KILLED HIMSELF WHILE ON THE PHONE TO KEVIN AND THE ONLY TIME SHE DIDNT KILL JEAN OFF IS THE VERSION SHE PUBLISHED AND THE REASON WE GET TO HEAR HIS STORY TODAY IM SO BROKEN

jean’s ‘gift’ from the ravens with his broken magnets, blacked out postcards and angry letters is making me cry he deserves so much better

slowly realising that this book is gonna be super triggering lol whoops

a cool evening breeze 🥲

THAT CREEPY LITTLE GOALKEEPER IS MY FAVOURITE GUY OK

‘kevin saw nothingn but the court, but jean had stopped hoping for more than that years ago’ shut the fuckkkk uppppp i cant do this anymore kevin/jean relationship is so deeply important to me (i say this about everything)

chapter 5:

SECOND NEIL/ JEAN INTERACTION OF THE BOOK IM SO FUCKING EXCITED

‘of course it’d be you, you tedious malcontent’ ‘good morning to you too’ is so ‘morning sunshine’ ‘fuck you’ coded (neil and matt bromance confirmed)

the amount of mitski on this jean playlist is making me sick

FUCKING SCREAMING OMFG THIS IS THE JEAN/NEIL CONTENT I YEARN FOR

‘abominable cockroach’ aww jean u say the sweetest things 🥰❤️ neil loves u too babe

literally devouring every last scrap of information jean feeds us about neil - his slow, hungry, hateful smile and the madness in his eyes (neil baby i love u never change)

oh jean don’t diss aaron, do u know how many fanfics have been written about u two

tsc is confirmation that jean moreau will come into ur house and judge u based on the contents of ur fridge (and then throw out ur stash of lollies)

‘to have a real match as a palate cleanser’ jean is really trying to win my favour by borrowing neil’s sassiness huh (no wonder i love them so much together) ((and yes i know he’s BEEN sassy ok))

jean reaching for the tv screen as if he could save neil and describing andrew running for neil as if hell was on his heels is making me absolutely giddy idk whether to scream or cry i’m doing both and i’m giggling

I bet on losing dogs is so jean moreau coded omg

holy fuck nora, the moments after the raven/fox match when riko tries to kill neil is fucking amazingly written. reading from jean’s perspective as he watches the game on tv, the tension, the breathless anxiety and confusion of the scene is palpable i coukd fucking taste it, my chest is tight just reading it

JEAN SAYING ANDREW WILL BE COURT IS IMMACULATE

[catshelter]

i know im valid. i know how my problems can be solved. sadly my mind doesnt care for long term stuff. my anxiety does, its angry. but my body and adhd doesnt budge. it jerks the anxiety off, nutting all over my brain. suddenly i dont believe i have friends. i do. i have friends. theyre great. but im boring around them when im like this. i need new chances cause i keep fucking up, being a moodkill.

im adult and its not as acceptable to be mentally ill anymore. mentally ill people around me manage to do shit now. they actually force themselves to so necessary things because thats what you have to do. get a job, cleaning, bills, school. all that stuff. AND socializing on top of it.

i know comparing myself is the worst i can do. it really is. but how can i not when i meet other people and instantly realise how dysfunctional i am? fuck. i cant talk because my mind is just a foggy ass silent hill town. my few thoughts are either rly dumb and childish or super negative!

sadly im struggling so fucking much with my adhd. im like this. i wont recover. i can recover from the illnesses i get from adhd. but they come back. i constantly have to fight them. but i dont have anything to cling onto now. i need a goal.

without a goal and hope, why should i even bother doing anything?

because life. because im worth something.

its up to me.

but how can i be me when me is clueless about everything

i cant socialize, i cant meet new people, i cant do SHIT because my mind is so weak right now. i miss having stuff to look forward to. i do now, i have. but its not right in front of my face. theres no direct award waiting for me.

i dont know what reward i want. money? friends? happiness at some point??

i know this feeling is temporary but its here now. i dont have any direction.

i just need to like exist until england roadtrip and school starts so i have something to do everyday.

went to the doctor and i messed up because i forgot shit i needed to say. so i need to call them again. but i dont want to call. god. i just want my mum to do everything for me. i want to be 14. im terrified of responsibility.

please i fucking beg some hyperfixation or just SOMETHING comes along. i dont know where to look and its just so stupidly hard when im like this to even bother trying looking for it. when i know so well, waiting around for something never works. i need to try. put myself out there.

it gets better ok? dont read this and feel scared. this is me. tomorrow i might jump around and laugh of happiness. but now, i have no direction. i need therapy. but i need to call. i need to force myself to call. my hands dont budge. i need to get therapy. i need to take responsibility for myself. nobodys gonna take care of me but myself. but i dont budge. i dont budge. i rant on tumblr.

[kuragin]

nobody has to really read this. i just wanted to sort of reflect upon my time on this website, and whether or not i will continue with it. spoiler alert: i probably will unless something worse happens.

i really don’t want to leave tumblr. 

since the age of 12, unless ive been away from the internet, i have regularly used this website. right now this blog sits at 129,601 likes, 72,198 posts, 896 followers, i follow 384 blogs, and my most popular post has over 430,000 notes on it.

i’ve spent more or less my entire formative years on this website. because i like it, and it’s fun to be on. i like interacting with other people, i like having a community where its easy to share common interests and not be shamed for them. i genuinely enjoy the fandom community on here, even if sometimes those members exasperate me. i like having tumblr-only memes and i like knowing what is culturally relevant. i like the inside jokes that we’re able to share, especially this new wave of female-presenting-nipple jokes and being banned for horny on main.

if you look through my archive, my first posts dates back to october 2012. its a silly post of nigel thornberry’s face photoshopped onto pocohontas that i stole from somewhere else. i was 11, almost 12.

then i got really obsessed with harry potter. except that the books were all out and the movies were all out and nobody at my school was as much of a nerd as i was and nobody was ever in the mood to talk about page 499 of the half blood prince (for reference, that’s the page where harry and ginny kiss after harry misses the quidditch game. anyways). this was the sweet spot of post-movie-and-book but pre-pottermore-exclusives.

so i turned to the internet. i had facebook, but facebook had my family and friends on it and i felt like i would be annoying them if i relentlessly shared harry potter posts. i had an imgur account but that was more or less just image sharing. i had a reddit account (i only really used it to read the askreddit threads) but the userbase for reddit was not 12 year old girls. 

point is. i logged onto tumblr one day. looked up ‘harry potter’ in the tag search. spent hours upon hours scrolling through the tag. that was my outlet. and because it was tumblr and because it was 2013 i also got involved in the other fandom communities that were rising at the time - mainly doctor who and sherlock. (supernatural was in there too i just didnt enjoy it as much). i was more or less a superwholock blog for a couple months with some percy jackson thrown in there too.

the summer between the seventh and eighth grade i spent entirely on tumblr. why? i was addicted to it. it was fun. i didn’t have to go anywhere. i was 12 and didn’t want to do anything else because i felt like the world didn’t have anything to offer me. i would hit the post limit every day. i would stay up till sunrise doing shit all. kind of sad to reflect on, but i did it and was happy doing it.

yahoo bought tumblr in 2013. i was against it, because thats what the people on my dashboard were also against. i was on a bandwagon. a lot of people were considering jumping ship after this happened and were gonna delete their blog and there were people making accounts on less popular social media and stuff. nobody actually abandoned ship though and nobody really wanted to go anywhere else.

my blog hasn’t really changed because of the ban of the nsfw content. that’s never been my purpose for tumblr. i thought it was funny that they were banning it. i still do. but its still part of a larger social issue on the idea of censorship and what defines censorship. how do morals get in the way of neutrality on the internet? we like to say that nudity isn’t an issue when it’s non-sexual but that really isn’t the case. biases are always going to be present.

and then they got rid of custom-made blogs. i love my theme. or at least, i did, because it’s gone now. and im sad. and im angry.

half the fun of this website is me looking at my custom theme. it is looking through my tags page. it is seening what was popular on tumblr five years ago and seeing how much ive changed as a person. the other half is me hyperfixating on something. hell, the whole intention of me tagging all these posts as “the great tumblr purge” is so that i have the ability to look through that tag months from now and laugh at how much we were all freaking out over it.

i like this website. i really do. but sometimes i cannot stand it.

i want to see how this plays out. i want to stay on this website. but im not sure if i can because my theme isn’t mine to customize anymore. (i dont have the necessary knowledge to build my own theme but i do really enjoy editing my theme’s code and making only staff-made themes really doesn’t sit well with me under the guise of autonomy and freedom of being).

and i know there’s larger social issues with this website and i know in the grand scheme my personal experience with this website isn’t that important, but i just sort of want to get this out there.

i like this website. i want to use this website. i like the format and the anonymity it provides for me. i just dont know if i can use this website.