#i KNOW these are just jokes but i'm just saying that increasing the length of a joke doesn't make it funnier it just makes it canon and real

[beanghostprincess]

Finding hilariously ironic how most of Sanji's perv jokes end up being extremely trans-coded to some extent only because the joke is longer than it should be.

The "guy with a woman's body" joke has been a thing for ages now, but it usually ends after the "haha I have booobs" joke. Sanji extends it to "I want to stay in this body forever. It feels right. I don't want to give it back". Which could still be read as some perverted stuff, but I don't think any man would agree with that. No matter how much of a pervert he is. Because usually being perceived as a woman is something they refuse to go through although they like being in possession sexually of a woman's body (a type of excitement Sanji actually shows, not by being that much aroused by it but being comfortable with it? Which is... A different approach to the joke).

Sanji has made the typical "going into the girl's changing room/bathroom" joke a couple of times, but in Egghead he goes all the way to be extremely frustrated about not being able to do so? And it is obviously different than wanting to keep Nami's body forever. It can still be seen as frustration for not being able to see girls naked. But. But. The fact that the length of the joke increases? The fact that it's way longer than it should be for an average "haha boobs" joke? You know what I mean.

Not to mention his whole arc during the time-skip and how a simple (both transphobic and misogynistic, by the way) joke, goes all the way to show us that Sanji is indeed comfortable in more feminine clothes and environment, until he's pretty much forced to snap out of his fantasy to go back to the crew. But he wasn't having a bad time at all. And it is intended to be a joke, but it's... Longer than it should be to be considered only a joke and to not pay attention to it.

This isn't meant to be an analysis of any kind because if it were I would've worded it differently and would've mentioned how his childhood is also extremely trans-coded, but we all already know that. I just find it extremely funny how all of these jokes that intend to be directed at straight perv men are actually too long to not be taken into consideration as something deeper than a joke. But, aha, yeah, these are just jokes and definitely not proof of Sanji's perception of gender and his issues with it.

[yawnderu]

If Simon and bimbo!reader ever had a big fight (not petty disagreements), what would they fight about? How do both handle serious fights and making up?

ahhhh :((( anon when I catch you. It'd likely be at the beginning of the relationship, before she knows about his job and he always leaves for weeks without telling her much about it

>Simon and bimbo!reader fight and make up.

“I just don't understand why you do this to me... just tell me.” Your voice is as pleading as it is demanding, eyebrows furrowed and face scrunched up in a mix of frustration and sadness.

“I can't—” He's interrupted by a small scoff coming out of you, your arms crossed as you look away and take a deep breath. He's never seen you like this before, never so... frustrated and angry. Anxiety starts to fill his soul within seconds, stuck between wanting to keep you away from his job, and wanting to reassure you.

“Do you just.... have a second family or something? Is that what it is?” The accusation makes his own face scrunch up in a mix of mild disgust and confusion. Was his unwavering loyalty to you not obvious? He never even looks at other women at all, his eyes are for you only.

“I don't.” It's all he can say to defend himself. How does he go about telling you he kills people for a living? Sure, he's protecting the world and serving the Queen, but would you look at him differently when you find out the same hands that are so gentle with you will forever be tainted with another's blood?

“Then what is it, Simon?” You never call him Simon. Even when you first met, you've always called him Si. He lets out a small sigh, shaking his head. He doesn't want to be around to fight, he just wants it all to be okay like before— yet he also understands why you're acting that way after months of being kept in the dark.

“I'll be back later.” He turns around to leave the shared flat, only being stopped by another scoff.

“Fine. Leave like you always do.” It was a low blow, you can tell that much by the way his muscles visibly tense up, bulging out of his black shirt. He shakes his head, the hand on the doorknob trembling slightly. He loves you more than anything, but can he really handle seeing the expression on your face when he tells you why he's away?

“'M in the military.” He finally turns around, walking back to you and holding your hand, sitting down on the couch and pulling you on his lap, one of his hands running down the length of your hair.

“SAS. I'll show you my contracts if you don't believe me.” He's willing to do anything to make you believe him. Each silent second only increases his anxiety, barely managing to look down at you just to see the gears shifting in your brain, putting two and two together.

“.... Is that why you always stink when you come back?” There's enough mirth in your tone to let him know you're joking, barely managing to hide the smile tugging at your lips.

“Y'sniff me like a fuckin' police dog when I'm back, love. You like it.” No matter how much you roll your eyes in fake annoyance and pretend you don't like it, you both know the truth. You cuddle up closer to him, resting comfortably on his burly body.

“Y'wear the cool uniforms, Si?” Your voice is softer, almost shy to even ask the question. He knows you like masked men— he's heard you rant about Pyramid Head and Ghostface enough times already. He hums softly in reply, nodding his head.

“Sometimes. Cool mask and all, you'd like it.” He's just teasing you at this point, trying to hold back a smile when he feels you rapidly shifting in his arms just to get closer to his face, unable to hide your excitement.

“Yeah? Can I see?” Your giddiness is almost contagious, making a deep chuckle finally escape his lips. You're not looking at him like he's a monster, you're simply excited about the idea of him wearing a mask. Maybe letting you see Ghost isn't a bad idea.

“Hmm...” He drags out, looking away and pretending to think about it just to tease you. The smack to his arm is enough to make him grin at you, stealing a kiss before adjusting you on his lap, finally allowing his body to fully relax.

“Yeah, I'll show you.”

Bimbo!Reader Masterlist

[minhosimthings]

Oh my god you keep doing my asks!! Even my anonymous ones (which you often think is yuna) so thank you!!! 💗🎀🩰

This time I want to request enhypen reaction to their fellow members/ friends getting too touchy with you

WAIT THAT WAS YOU? damn I feel bad about my baby @yunabi436 who should definitely read this as revenge for making me cry with 4278. Thank you for the ideas darling! Im sorry I'm a bit slow on answering them though!

Jealousy resides in Heeseung's veins. So when his eyes and his mind processed the fact that Jake had his arm around your shoulder, and you were laughing to his joke, all he saw was red. So he'd act cute at first, hooking into your arm and giving you the Bambi eyes and saying he wants to go home, which makes you bid goodbye to poor, confused, Jake who is wondering why Heeseung shot a glare at him. But at home-

"So you want Jake for a boyfriend now do you? Got bored of one dick, now you want two darling?" You'd have no warning, before your back is against the wall, and his dick is rubbing against your pussy, making you whimper pathetically at the friction. Heeseung, when jealous, doesn't waste time in stretching you out. Instead all he does, is rip open your panties, take a moment to stare at your pussy, and then ram his length into you, making you moan, out of both pain and pleasure.

"Don't you ever do that again, you hear me?" He'd growl in your ear, while moving his hips against you at an extremely rough pace. His dick rubbed against your g-spot so well, and the overstimulation from him not allowing you to cum was killing you, but Heeseung wouldn't budge.

Jay knows that you are a person of your own and you can do whatever you like. But a certain amount of jealousy did arise in him, when he saw that Sunghoon and you were sitting perhaps a little too close to each other and sharing a tiramisu too! The jealousy wasn't enough for him to drag you out by the arm or anything, but it was enough for him to ask for a bite of the tiramisu. Right in front of Sunghoon. You, oblivious to his motive, fed it to him, laughing at how Sunghoon comedicaly pouted. You could sense Jay turning red next to you, so you decide to tease him a bit. And then back at home-

"Uh uh no cumming until I say so." Jay had been inside your pussy with a vibrator for a long time, pounding it by pressing his hand deeper and deeper. His trousers and shirt remained stuck tightly to him, making you crave his dick more. "Jay-please ah-ahh." You'd scream making him smirk at you, and increase the speed of the vibrator a bit more. The cold material was making your pussy clench around it, wishing fervently that it was his dick instead.

"You should have thought about begging for my cock before cuddling with Sunghoon." He'd growl in your ear, stopping the vibrator just as you were about to cum, you whimpered feeling the tight knot in your stomach disappear, in turn making Jay smirk against your skin.

Collars were never much Jake's buisness. He actually hated them. He would never hurt his baby just for his own pleasure, if and unless she asked him too. But when Heeseung jokingly kissed you on the cheek for a dare and you giggled, your cheeks turning red, all Jake saw was you in a collar with the chain twisted inbetween his hands.

"Who do you want to fuck now darling?" Jake pulled on the chain of the collar, his cock moving in and out of your pussy. You were suffocated yet high on his touch on your throat. "You- only you ahh fuck Jake!" You screamed, as Jake abused your sweet spot with his tip. "Oh no I thought it was Heeseung." He growled, pulling out his length before ramming it in again, pain flowing through you like a soothing tonic.

Jake tugged slightly on the chain again, and watched in pleasure as you writhed under him, how your thighs were smeared with sweet cum, and how your pussy was taking his dick so well even now. He'd remind you again, on how you belonged to him, and only him.

Park Sunghoon. Aka probably the only one out of the entire hyung line who'd not even let himself near you for a whole year if you even shake hands with one of the members. And Jay accidentally brushing his hand across yours when he's reaching across to get some fruit is basically the end game for Sunghoon. Sunghoon will probably give Jay a piece of his mind in secret to which Jay would ask you whether or not Sunghoon is an absolute simp in secret. And Sunghoon would be almost restraining himself from fucking you on the dinner table.

However he does very sneakily slide his hand up your thigh and massage it a bit too close to your pussy, making you squirm in silence. He would even go as far as fucking you in silence when you guys were watching a movie on the couch with the guys and their girlfriends. He would definitely ask for a blanket from Jay, feigning chilliness and sneak his fingers up towards your panties. The feeling of him cupping your clothed pussy has you whimpering, so you violently stuff some popcorn in your mouth to shush yourself, earning yourself a side eye from Jay and Sunghoon's fingers running through your folds at a maniacal pace.

"You can moan darling." Sunghoon would whisper in your ear, his middle finger repeatedly touching your g spot, "Make them know that you're mine yeah?"

[causeimhappinesss]

On his backseat (Joel Miller x reader)

Warning: smut, age gap (reader in her 20s), unprotected sex, slight breeding kink + wrap your biscuit, please

Disclaimer: English isn't my native language (I'm french), so you can correct me if you spot some mistakes :)

Bonus: a meme at the end

*

All day long, a crazy tension had built up between you and Joel, at first for a silly little thing, but he refused to agree with you, when you were absolutely right. Then, the tension had built up so much between the two of you, that it had metamorphosed and soon, the older man's hands had been wandering, though discreet.

“I'm going to go. I'm leaving you and don't kill each other!” Ellie joked.

With these words, she slammed the door of the car you had repaired and leaved the garage you had just entered. You would even say that she was running away from you, undoubtedly uncomfortable because of the tension that had gradually built up in the car, but which she probably didn't imagine would be sexual. From time to time, when Ellie was reading one of his comics, he had kept his hand on your thigh, which he stroked, knowing what effect it had on you. She had preferred to leave as soon as possible and give you time to explain yourself with Miller, while she rested in the house where you had taken up residence for two days, the time to search this cute town from top to bottom. Once she was inside the mansion, you turned your attention to your lover... Of course, Ellie didn't know the true nature of your relationship: friend by day, sexfriend by night.

"Well... would it kill you to admit I was right about that damn alarm?"

"You weren't right. We should have been more careful..." he growled.

"Oh yeah, sure, and spend three hours on an alarm system to disconnect it, when it doesn't even take us ten minutes to get all the weapons back." you retorted, sarcastically.

Miller grumbled, but the sound of it brought a smile to your face, because the old man always made you laugh one way or another. Then he met your eyes and a glint of mischief flashed in his eyes. You slid a hand over his chest and felt his heartbeat under your palm; a sensation you'll never forget. His lips parted, he took a deep breath and closed his eyes to know the moment. Your fingers slid over his warm skin in gentle caresses as you admired the masculine beauty of his body. Then your phalanges slid lower and traced the contours of his abs. A sigh escaped from his lips, which pushed you to unbuckle his seat belt, then the one holding his pants, which you made fall. Its excitation was felt, a bump formed in its boxer, that you touched with malice, before releasing it from this confined space.

A wave of heat ran through you as you wrapped your hand around his member, feeling the velvety texture of his skin. You began slow and gentle back and forth movements, under the spell of the intensity present in his eyes. Joel gasped, so that his hands clutched your hips as you increased the pressure in my movements. Your free hand explored the skin of his chest, then his thighs, until you felt his breath catch. You peppered him with kisses until his desire stretched like a bow.

"Baby..." he growled, sliding a hand into your hairline.

Your heart pounded against your rib cage as you knelt on the car seat, staring at your partner. Your fingers kept on caressing him skillfully, being the source of the accumulation of pleasure in his belly. Slight grunts broke through the barrier of his lips and made your hair stand on end. God knows how beautiful he was, that expression of desire portrayed on his face, eyebrows furrowed, sweat beading his gray brows. Again, you stared at his body, admiring his chiseled abs and broad chest, before lingering on the throbbing erection before you. Then, you wrapped his length in your wet mouth. You felt him harden further and moan in response to your movements, so much so that his hips undulated. Your tongue ran along his member, while your lips worked their magic around him. His hands tangled in your hair as you titillated him, encouraging his pleasure, so that he struggled to contain himself. Your tongue played with his red tip and his whole member throbbed in your mouth, as if he was already approaching orgasm. Yet you knew Joel wouldn't accept such a thing; he was always holding back to make you cum first.

"Fuck... You're going to drive me crazy..."

Soon, you could no longer contain your desire and you gave in to your desires. You climbed onto his thighs and felt the heat radiate between your boiling bodies. You undulated your hips over his boner and placed kisses on his neck, before you rubbed yourself on one of his muscular thighs. Your movements became frantic and desperate, as if the world was about to end another time.

The warm night air washed over your skin, but the coolness inside the car was gentle. Your heart was pounding, a delicious mixture of desire and fear... The fear of getting caught with your hand in the cookie jar. Joel wrapped his strong arms around your waist and pressed his lips to your neck. You moaned softly, your body aching deliciously from his touch. Your hands clutched at his shirt, pulling him to feel his body closer to yours. His lips follow yours in a fiery kiss. Electric sparks flew through you with each touch and caress.

Dizzy with desire, you pulled him into the backseat. His hands peeled away layers of you as you mimicked him between feverish kisses. Soon you were naked, on your knees, with your butt against him, giving him a magnificent view of your pussy. With his experienced fingers, he teased your clitoris, with which he played, while stroking your breasts. You were already wet and ready for him, but you felt no shame. Sex was one of the pleasures still present on this earth, especially when you were on the road like you. And your body knew full well that you were meant to fuck with him, it worked so well between the two of you... The pleasure climbed and your first moans of pleasure echoed through the cabin, as your fingers gripped the fabric of the backseat.

"Joel..."

He also knew what rhythm to take with your clit; he was playing with your emotions and your body. When he felt you on the verge of orgasm, he stopped and you squealed. Before you knew it, his warm tongue slid along your labia, drawing the contours of your clitoris, then one of his fingers brushed the entrance to your vagina. Another moan of pleasure forced its way through your lips and you nearly collapsed forward, but her strong arms held your thighs back.

"You taste like honey... I could eat your pussy all night..."

Your heart was pounding, banging against your ribcage violently, so you were begging him to make you reach nirvana. Without delay, the orgasm hit you full force, your legs shook and the euphoria poured into your veins in the form of powerful waves of shivers.

Then, with his hands on your hips, his cock pushed into you, drawing a moan of pleasure from you as he grunted. You were so tight and hot that he threw his head back for two seconds, his jaw clenched, and then he watched your two sexes joined together; an erotic sight that made him shudder. It was as if your pussy had been molded for his thick, long cock. A perfection he relished and enjoyed as often as possible. Finally, he moved inside you, a touch that filled you with more desire, made you quiver and tremble. Nothing else mattered at that moment; just you and the sweet union of your bodies. Your bodies moved together in perfect rhythm, the sound of your labored breaths filling the air of the car. The sound of wet skin slapping accompanied your song of pleasure, which you tried to restrain, to avoid Ellie from hearing you, just in case.

"Oh shit... Joel... Don't stop..."

"I don't plan on stopping..." he whispered in your ear, in a suave voice.

You held on to this moment and let his love consume you in your wholeness. You were enjoying the moment, knowing that it won't last forever. For now, you were loving the delicious sensation he was producing in your lower abdomen. His powerful hands, anchored on your waist, drew you closer to him, your back against his chest, in a carnal embrace.

Without ever ceasing his sinful movements inside me, his lips traveled the delicate skin of your neck, your faces illuminated by the moonlight, resulting in a romantic and intimate atmosphere...

"Fill me up... Don't pull out..." you moaned.

"Oh God..." he growled. He was aware that cumming inside you was a bad idea, it wasn't like you were taking birth control, but the idea of his cum filling your hot, wet pussy amplified his pleasure. He was already picturing you with a nice round belly once you got back to Tommy's.

The excitement of getting caught fed the burning fire in your veins. You made the moment last as long as possible, until you both climaxed with moans. Your pussy pulsed around his thick cock and milk him dry. Your heart was pounding, beads of sweat ran down your skin and you were shaking. His seed spilled into you as his hot breath rushed down your neck.

*

Sorry, Ellie... For the backseat you're gonna spend another bunch of hours on.

My Ko-fi: betrayedwriter

My AO3: BetrayedWriter

My Instagram: carolinemertz_

[forcemasculinisation]

I agree with the anon asking about T-dick. We need more content.

Imagine bumping into a girl one day who looks like she's trying to look like a guy but doing a poor job of it. She's got half a used tube of low dose T-cream, wears a jock and a packer and binds. It's the not quite short enough hair and voice that tips you off.

A perfect candidate to be forcemasced perhaps?

Trigger Warnings: Dubious consent.

I'd say shes already on her way to being easily manipulated, pretty malleable even. He just needs that extra push to know what's best for him.

Once you get to know her, she piles on excuses about her appearance. Her shaggy hair covers half her face, like she is insecure about her soft features. She swears she binds for some sort of personal preference, and takes T to help her gain an advantage in track. There's no point in justifying the silicone dick between her legs; but she still finds a way to try and convince you. It puts her in the right mindset - that's all.

You take stronger medication than her, enanthate injections, and you eventually coax out of her that she's curious about it. Says she's always been curious about upping her dose, but scared about the effects. You give her the illusion of consent by letting her know, casually, of some of the major changes she could see. Thicker and longer body hair. A much deeper voice. Coarser skin and less curves. You joke with her that an increased sex drive is another common effect, and his eyes subtly widen at that.

Soon enough, months of her straddling you as you push your needle into her skin go by. You're already starting to see major changes, and soon enough a man stands before you. His hair is still long, shoulder length by the time facial hair starts to show, but - seemingly on her own accord - he buzzes it off. She still seems uncomfortable with such sudden changes, as anyone would be, but it's your job to assure him that it's all fine. She'll still be straight if she presents this way, and straight guys love masculine girls (a sweet lie, of course, but how else will you pursuade him?).

It's fun to watch him flush as you call him a good man (a good boy, occasionally) for taking his shots so well. You get to introduce him as your mate, your boy to others, using he/him pronouns, and watch with pride as his protests of "I'm actually a girl" falter with every moment.

Social transition is the hardest. But he'll get there soon enough. He's your boy toy now.

[roboticonography]

@geekynerddemon, I'm your Steggy Secret Santa!

Your letter was so lovely, and I was really touched that you said that I could “gift” you an update to one of my WIPs. You’re such a kind and generous fandom friend - I always see you being positive and supportive on other peoples' fanworks. So I wanted you to have something special that was written just for you.

I saw this headcanon on your Tumblr, and I couldn’t resist expanding on the theme of Peggy wearing/stealing Steve’s T-shirts.

Of course, you also said that you wanted some angst before the happy ending, so we might have to take the scenic route to get to soft times and T-shirt crimes… and the route will be extra scenic for you, because I'm not quite finished your story.

Here's a small preview of what's to come. I hope to have the rest posted in the next few weeks. Merry belated Christmas, and thanks for being so awesome! Hope you're having a great day/month/year.

(Obligatory tag @steggyfanevents)

Having a Frenchman in their party opens all sorts of doors for Captain America and his Howling Commandos. 

On this particular evening, it will open the front door of a cabane en pierre sèche, known to residents around Digne-les-Bains and—thus far, at least—unknown to the German army. 

Using a three-pronged offensive of diplomacy, bourbon, and racy jokes, Dernier was able to coax the location from a cattle farmer who was skittish about hosting American soldiers on his property, but who eventually agreed to share directions to a stone hut that locals sometimes used as a hunting cabin.

“I think we’re lost,” says Dugan, for the fifth time. “Better let me see the map.”

Using the back page of Steve’s notebook, the farmer has drawn them a crude approximation of the path through the forest—cleverly concealed by Dernier with an even cruder doodle of a buxom blonde with Bambi eyes and a cartoonishly tiny waist. Unsurprisingly, everyone wants to play navigator.

“I’m the map,” says Steve, tapping his temple. “We’re right on track.”

Bucky claps Steve on the shoulder. “You should draw more sexy girls,” he says, solemnly, as if imparting important life advice. “You know, for morale.”

“I draw what I see,” Steve says dryly. “When was the last time we were within a hundred yards of a sexy girl?”

Bucky grins, and Steve realizes, too late, that he’s given his friend an opening. “Well, now,” he drawls, “that depends. Does Agent Carter count?”

She counts, for Steve, in more ways than one. But he knows better than to fall into the trap. “No,” he says shortly.

“Come on, Steve. You really never noticed that she was a beautiful dame?”

Steve has, in fact, noticed this—and what’s more, has told her so, to her face, in a moment of sheer lunacy that still makes him blush when he thinks of it. She wasn’t particularly impressed by his observation (or by him, generally) and he’s avoided making further such observations, either to Peggy or about her.

Bucky folds his arms expectantly. The other guys are quiet, seemingly occupied, but Steve knows they’re listening.

An ominous crackle of thunder gives him the out he’s looking for.

“Let’s pick up the pace,” he calls, increasing the length of his strides accordingly.

*

By the time the scrub and stunted oak recedes to open ground, they’re being lashed by the rain from all angles.

No one is entirely clear on the electrical conductivity of vibranium, so everyone gives Steve a wide berth as they cross the field. There’s a brief, uncoordinated scramble over some rocky ground, and then, at last, there they are.

The ancient stone hut isn’t much from the outside: a pile of rocks and moss that looks almost accidental. It’s easy to see why it’s been overlooked.

The inside consists of two rooms, each with its own fireplace. The back room contains a narrow cot, while the front room is furnished with a table and a few mismatched chairs, as well as a woodbox. Pelts on the floors of both rooms serve in place of rugs. The shelves are bare, aside from a miscellany of tableware, some hunting knives, and a couple of cooking-pots, to be used over the front room’s apron hearth. The window closures are just shutters and skins—no glass. Judging by the dust and cobwebs, the place hasn’t been occupied for at least a season.

Such glorified squatting is practically routine for the Howlies by now. Morita sequesters himself in the back room to tinker with his ailing radio kit; Jones starts a fire in each room, after checking to be sure the chimneys are clear; Dernier takes up a collection of ration-boxes and starts on dinner. The rest of the crew get to work securing windows, sealing up drafts, and chasing out wildlife. Dugan finds a stiff broom and redistributes the dust with unbridled enthusiasm until the others, eyes and noses streaming, beg him to stop.

Steve goes back into the storm to tackle the rusty pump. A solid ten minutes of super-powered elbow grease finally produces water that seems drinkable, if not aesthetically pleasing.

“Are you quite certain you found the pump and not the privy?” asks Falsworth, watching Steve decant the fruits of his labour.

Steve hangs the full pot over the fire. “Added vitamins and minerals.”

The fire is roaring, and it isn’t long before the water is boiled. Each man scoops a share, adding his own coffee or tea to make it more palatable.

There’s enough left for reconstituting their breakfasts in the morning, and for a quick wash, if anyone needs it—all of them almost certainly do, but they’re all tired, and too used to close quarters to care much.

Feeling warmer inside and out, they shuck off their uniforms and hang the essentials to dry. Everyone is wearing the standard woollen long johns as their base layer—everyone, that is, except for Steve, whose battle suit is twice as warm as standard issue. The same could be said for Steve himself, who endures the usual hooting and wolf-whistling when he strips down to his boxers and undershirt.

Dernier, supplementing the pitiful K-rations with some odds and ends from his own scavenging, has worked his usual magic over the hearth: a hearty stew of root vegetables in a wild mushroom gravy that looks more appetizing than anything Steve has made on his best day at home.

They portion it out equally among various plates, bowls, and canteen cups. Every flat surface becomes a seat, and nearly every mouth is too busy chewing to speak.

“Where the hell’d you find potatoes?” asks Dugan, who never met a companionable silence he didn’t feel the need to shatter.

“In the earth,” replies Dernier, his tone pure contempt. “Do they fall from the sky in America?”

Dugan makes a rude gesture.

Falsworth asks, “Do I detect fresh thyme?”

A torrent of rapid-fire French—something about herbes de Provence, and a few turns of phrase that Steve recognizes as generally unflattering, apparently aimed at English cooking.

Gabe translates, “Yep.”

The others laugh.

Morita emerges from the back room, the door slapping shut behind him. “Orders, Cap.” He squats over the hearth to collect his cup and spoon.

Steve pauses, his own spoon halfway to his open mouth, and waits.

“We’re picking up a friend.” Morita shovels stew into his mouth and swallows without chewing. “Should be here around 0200.”

Friend usually means British intelligence. 

Peggy Carter is, technically, part of the SSR. But she’s also on loan from the SOE, and occasionally they like to call in favours. She’s been out on an assignment for at least a few weeks now—doing what, he can’t be sure.

All around him, the scraping of cutlery on tin has stopped. Dugan and Barnes exchange a meaningful look before pivoting to face him. Steve can feel his ears turning red; he suddenly wants to tell them both to shut up, even though they haven’t said anything.

Carefully casual, he inquires, “Any ID?”

Morita nods, his face splitting into a wide grin. “It’s her.”

[TO BE CONTINUED...]

[abbysbicepsss]

Ellie And Her Knife

Heyyy so this is my first ever full length smut posted to tumblr. I had this idea and had to run with it. Basically Ellie realizes you have a knife kink and you guys have fun :)

CW: smut, fingering (r! receiving), oral (r! receiving), the knee thing, knifeplay, knife kink, dom/sub roles, cursing, teasing, pure smut for the most part

"You're such a slut." Ellie chastised you under her breath, barely audible over your incoherent moans. You replayed the earlier events that led you to your current position, a blabbering mess in Ellie's hands.

You never particularly considered yourself to have a knife kink, per se. But what you did know was that when Ellie was wielding her knife, she was that much hotter. You often caught your eyes lingering on her when she was handling her switchblade. You liked how clean she kept it, how she used it to protect you when necessary. You thought it was so damn hot how she folded it closed against the back of her hip, out of habit. Okay, maybe you do have a knife kink... 

Your fascination with her blade wasn't unnoticed by Ellie. She'd often catch you ogling at it, mesmerized by the way she sometimes flips it as a nervous habit. Despite her noticing, she had never mentioned your potential kink for it, as she didn't want to make you embarrassed. 

That all changed today, when Ellie had finally confronted you about you seeming obsession with her blade. You guys had been taking turns shooting whiskey, Ellie laughing at the way your face contorted after each shot, grimacing at the burning liquid going down your throat. Both of you were buzzed at this point, cheeks red and bodies warm from the alcohol. You sat opposite Ellie, and god damn if she wasn't doing that knife flipping thing again. You told yourself to look away before your enamoration became obvious, but it was too late. 

"Why do you do that?" Ellie asks, smirk growing on her face. "Do what?" you ask, feigning innocence. "Stare at my knife the same way you stare at my boobs." Ellie jokes, forcing a blush to crawl across your cheekbones. "I don't know what you're talking about." you retort, digging your heels in though you knew there was no escaping the situation. You were undeniably caught in her trap. 

"I just like watching you play with it, that's all." you explain, hoping your quaint admission would be enough to get her to let up. To your chagrin, it did the opposite. Ellie furthers herself towards you until she's inches away from your face, eyes blown with desire. "I'd rather use it to play with you." she says, eyes darting back and forth between your eyes and lips. That statement alone has you dripping, imagining what the cool blade would feel like against your hot skin. 

Ellie leans into you, pressing her lips on yours. She grips the back of your neck, pulling you closer to her like you were the sole reason she was breathing. She pulls away from you to gaze into your eyes, earning an irritated whine from you. "Shh, I know." she soothes, her green irises almost invisible due to her arousal.You feel her reach into her jeans and hear the flick of her switchblade open. "You sure?" she asks, biting her lip and gesturing towards her knife with her head. You nod eagerly, leaning in to try to resume your kissing. She pulls away and tuts, commanding you to "Use your words, baby." You roll your eyes at this, to which Ellie places her hand on your throat, lightly applying pressure. "I said, use your words." she demands. Her sudden roughness only increases your arousal, stickiness growing between your thighs. "Yes, Ellie, I'm sure, fuck." you finally respond. 

Ellie lets go of your throat and begins laying hot, wet kisses on your neck. She pulls back, staring at you like a predator at its prey. She places the blade right under your chin, gliding it down the side of your neck. The eroticism of this action alone has you whimpering, your hips bucking in an effort to get some, any, kind of friction. She pulls your shirt off, slightly gasping when she finds you're not wearing a bra underneath it. Her mouth is drawn to your nipple like a magnet, the tip of her knife grazing over the other one. You're soaked and desperate at this point, practically begging her to supply some sort of friction to your cunt. She shoves her knee in between your legs, a gasp slipping out of your lips at the sudden pleasure. 

"You're pathetic." she teases as she feels your wetness soaking through both your pants and hers. "All worked up and I've barely touched you." she continues. She sits back on her knees to unbutton and pull your pants down, eyes raking over your body, now clad in just your underwear. She readjusts herself to be on top of you, her left arm supporting her weight while the other holds the knife, smoothing it over your lips. Ellie moves the blade to the bottom of your neck and traces a long line down your torso, stopping right above the hem of your panties. With one easy motion she cuts your underwear off, pulling the rest of the fabric away from your soaking cunt. 

You briefly lean forward to look at her, and focus in on her emerald eyes that have gone almost black, staring at your pussy as you clench around nothing. Ellie licks her lips and finally snaps out of her trance, placing the tip of the blade right on your clit, not placing the amount of pressure needed to cut anything, but enough to provide relief to your bundle of nerves. "Fuck." you moan, trying to push your hips closer to your source of relief. Ellie uses her hand to hold your hips down, pulling the blade away from you completely while reprimanding you "Don't wanna get hurt do you princess?" she hums before dipping her head down between your thighs and licking a stripe from your hole to the top of your clit. She moans against your pussy from the taste of you, intensifying your pleasure.  

After what feels like hours of Ellie beckoning you to the brink of an orgasm just to deny you of it, you're finally at your breaking point. Ellie's fingers are pumping in and out of you at a steady pace, her thumb occasionally teasing your clit. "Please, Ellie, please I need it. I need you so bad please just let me cum." you whine, tears welling up in your eyes. Ellie removes her fingers and cleans your slick off of them, staring at you in awe. She loved being able to see you like this, desperate and wet, hips pushing up, desperately begging her to let you release the pressure that had been building up in you for what felt like forever. She grabs her knife once more, leaning forward and dragging the blade down the inside of your thigh, causing your breath to hitch at the cool sensation against your leg. "But I thought you wanted me to play with you?" she asks. "Don't you want me to tease you, hm?" She was being cruel at this point, knowing what your reply would be. You respond anyways, hoping to achieve your goal of an orgasm. "Yes, Ellie." A smirk grows on Ellie's face again as she leans forward and reminds you, "You're such a slut." 

Once Ellie finally deemed you worthy of cumming, it was over. Her fingers plunged in and out of you relentlessly, occasionally curling her fingers to hit the spot inside you that was guaranteed to make you moan. "So pretty when you sing for me, baby." she cooed, knowing how much you enjoyed her praise. Ellie began rubbing her thumb over your clit, and your release finally came, the noises coming from your mouth downright obscene. Your legs were shaking, and the only word that you could produce was "Ellie" over and over again. Ellie fucked you through your orgasm, finally removing her fingers from your pussy which clenched from the absence despite the roughness it had just received. Your eyes meet Ellie's, her pupils still blown wide from the state you were in, fucked out and desperate and most importantly, satisifed. 

You pull Ellie towards you, grinning as you remind her "My turn." 

[wh0refornikolailantsov]

hi!! I'm a big fan of your writing:)) would you consider writing a one bed trope with Tolya?? if not that totally okay! hope you have a good day

Thank you so much.

Yes yes yes yes yes. I have discussed this topic at length and I love it. One bed trope is a personal favourite of mine. Fluff isn't my wheelhouse but I try.

One Bed - Tolya Yul Bataar

Content warnings: this got unintentionally angsty(?) in places, I am sorry that wasn't my intention, it's a skill I seem to have. Not Beta/Proof Read.

One room, that is what the man had said when you had asked if there was space, "yes one room, on the top floor."

With the brilliant gift of hindsight you realise you should've asked more questions, and not just handed the man your money and taken the key attached to a small round stone that you did not recognize. But you are tired, and the assumption the man made looking at you, and the tree like giant with the tan skin and golden eyes beside you, had not crossed your mind.

Clearly it also had not crossed Tolya's either, and had he been any other man than the one he is you might have taken a slight bit of offence to the prospect that he hasn't even remotely considered it. But this was Tolya.

Warrior in practice, scholar at heart, Tolya.

You knew it wasn't personal, the idea that he hadn't considered you in that way, he didn't seem to consider people at all from what you could tell. But that didn't stop people considering him. Even Zoya, gorgeous, terrifying, Zoya, had made a comment about how if he knew how to turn such poetry onto her then she might consider giving him a chance.

He had just blinked at her, and asked why she thought he would want one.

You had been sure that no one was impervious to Zoya's beauty if not her charms, and yet Tolya had brushed off words that men would've killed for, like they were some dust on his arm.

"That's unfortunate," Tolya says, meaning the size of the bed more than anything, which you can understand, given you wonder how he might fit on it at all. But given the size of the room, having Tolya sleep on the floor is beyond out of the question. The room is barely bigger than the bed that it contains. You let yourself wonder if sleeping on the dirt road might have been a better option.

Because for all the ways you were sure Tolya hadn't thought of you, you knew you had thought of him in return. Sometimes in just fleeting moments, but you couldn't even blame yourself. To spend so much time with those strong broad shoulders, that gentle humour, that laugh that lights up those golden eyes. To spend so much time with someone who manages to be simultaneously as dangerous as he is gentle. Kindness and empathy is not usually found in such abundance in those raised to be mercenaries. You had asked Tamar once if she thought it was being Heartrender's, the ability to feel the way others do, sooth and aid them, or make their heart stop with movements of the hands, that made Tolya kind in spite of the brutality of what the job often brought. She had shrugged.

"I think he is just like that," she had said, "maybe it's the faith.. He believes deeper than anything I've ever known."

So you couldn't blame yourself for the way you felt your heart rate increase when he have you a knowing smile, like there was a joke that only the two of you understood.

You couldn't blame yourself in the way your gaze lingered a moment too long on him.

You couldn't blame yourself for all the thoughts, the wishes, the dreams, because you at least knew they were only dreams. They were yours, they were yours to keep. You could not blame yourself for that.

Anyone who knew Tolya, the way you know Tolya, would not blame you for that.

Tolya moves onto the far side of the bed, laying down and looking up at the ceiling. He looks so comically large against the frame that you let out a small chuckle. He throws you a glance and there's that smile that reaches your eyes and you try to keep your heart from jumping. Tolya does his best to not read you, as you've asked him not to, but you wouldn't blame him for noticing the ways your heart skips, and you do not want to be having a conversation about it. So you try to keep it as in control as you know how. "Just one night," he says, "there are worse things."

"You won't get neck pain?" You tease.

"Is my sister here?" he asks. You let out another laugh, a gentler one this time. "I'll be fine."

You sit on the floor next to the bed, and for a moment Tolya thinks you might be taking off your shoes, but when you don't move for a while longer, he props himself up on elbows to look at you.

"You that tired?" he asks.

"Exhausted," you respond honestly.

"Do you need me to carry you into bed?" he offers. You nearly choke on the air in your throat.

"No, that's really not necessary," you tell him. He watches you for a moment and then it occurs to him, you planned to sleep on the floor.

"I do not mind sharing if you are comfortable with that," he says. The last part rings in your ears, if you are comfortable.

"I," you try to find the right words that won't give you away. Won't tell him that you're scared to sleep next to him in this small room on that small bed because at such a closeness he won't be able to not hear your heartbeat, and the way it races by being close to him. He won't be able to ignore the way his warmth makes your breathing change. And you won't be able to keep those thoughts quiet, those thoughts about how you could stay there, that close, breaths length away from him, forever, just still, just quiet, next to him, and that would be more than enough. "I move a lot."

"And I snore," Tolya says, "or at least Tamar complains that I do." You bite the inside of your cheek as you try to fight smiling too wide at such a simple thing. "But if you're uncomfortable, I will take the floor-,"

"No," you insist quickly, "I am perfectly comfortable, Tolya, if I was going to have to share a bed with anyone I am glad it is you." You immediately regret those words and cannot fathom what compelled you to say them. He just smiles and you can't imagine it being harder to keep your heart out of your throat.

You climb up onto the bed next to him and you pray to ever Saint you know that you are not blushing too deeply, that you will be able to calm the rapid drum in your chest.

You role onto your side and Tolya is looking back at you. He must be able to hear how out of sorts your heartbeat is because he softens into a calmness you know comes before this question. "Would you like some help calming down?" he asks. He does not ask why you need it, he only offers to help, never asking more of you than you are willing to give. You have always hoped he has felt the same about your treatment of him, never asking him for more than he wants to give.

"Maybe, to help me sleep," you says, voice barely a whisper. He reaches out, taking your hand, he gently runs his thumb over the veins by your wrist. You look at how small you look in his hands, those hands that could save or end lives, and have done as much, which hold you with nothing but tenderness as he sooths your heart into a slow rhythm to match his.

You feel the tiredness from the day settling over you as the calm deepens, you know sleep is so close but you keep your eyes open for a moment more, watching him be gentle with you, enjoying this moment. There has not been much time for these types of moments recently, and the importance of this one will not be allowed to slip you by.

For just this little while you are safe, you are here, next to him, and you can pretend for a small time that the world outside these walls filled with war and darkness and fights started, ongoing and yet to come, does not exist. The world is just these four walls, yourself and the man you love silently, as he makes you feel safe in the way only he can.

[1000fiction]

Kinktober 2023 - day 7

Virginity ft Erik the Slayer

Two virgins walking into an inn sounds like the start of a bad joke, and similar to a bad joke the scenario itself leaves you conflicted on whether to laugh or cry. You're sure the nervousness - that little wobble on his lips, the askance glance, and the not-so-subtle fidgeting with the bedspread - is mirrored in yourself, but it’s a lot easier to pretend he’s the only one who doesn't know what he’s doing. He goes to say something - anything - several times, and backs out each time, mouth snapping closed, but you can't help your eyes straying to his neck to watch his Adam's apple bob each time he swallows. 

For a moment, you attempt to think back on those romantic novels, the embracing, the kissing, the intimacy that leads to more - but all that involves getting closer to him! That sinking weight that stirs in your belly weighs you down too much to do so, let alone anything else.

“Who’d have thought dragon slaying would be easier than this.”

Two virgins walking into an inn is a bad joke, but it makes you laugh, makes you look at each other incredulously as you realise he didn't intend for that to be said aloud - but you're glad he did. The tension leaves the air and that heaviness lightens, just enough for you to scoot closer, shoulder to shoulder, and the kiss you share feels just like all the ones previously because it’s still Erik, it’s still your farmer turned fighter that makes you feel safe and warm. The idea of giving yourself over to him fully has your heart beating as fast as the first kiss did. 

It’s clumsy and arguably funny the way you both disrobe, neither having complete knowledge on how to handle the others clothing, but you make it work, make it so you're soon nude against each other, kissing and feeling your way. 

You could feel him pressing into your thigh, and though it'd make guiding him in more difficult, you were happy the lights were low in his room, it gave you that little extra confidence and besides, you could still see him smiling. He was enjoying himself.

"So er- when do we? Ah- I mean!"

"Now"

"Now?"

You took his face in your hands, knees pressing against his hips.

"I want you now, first time of many, Erik."

You both made a move at the same time, hips pushed forward, length taken in hand. 

There was a sting, not completely painful but, perhaps you weren't quite ready enough, but then you felt go deeper, and deeper still, and with little resistance the slick increased, became easier to move. It was a simple pattern, in and out, in and out, but the drag of his cock stroked your walls like nothing your fingers could accomplish.

"Uh- fuck!" Was it weird to be smiling so much? So rare it was to hear Erik swear and here he was, high pitched curses forced from his lips - because of you. 

Your fingers pressed into his shoulders, you could feel that simple pattern of his straying. Whilst a tightness built slow in the pit of your belly, you could tell his was building far quicker, washing over him like a daunting wave.

"Ohh shit!" He pulled out, thrusting and rubbing against your pelvis as he emptied himself onto the expanse of your stomach. "I'm sorry!" He puffed and panted, face as red as his hair. He took a moment to take you in, that ever present smile illuminating. 

"That's okay." His breath fanned across your face."We've got plenty of time to go again, haven't we?"

[justagingerwithredhair]

The Blue Moon Ball: Feast

Oh food glorious food, how I've missed you so. My mind tells me to try and maintain my composure, but my body has already taken off to the nearest spread. It looks like cheese, grapes, crackers, veggies, pinwheels, dip, all the typical light snacks one would find at a party. I begin to realize the severity of my starvation when I completely disregard the silverware, electing to take matters into my own hands by skewering the snacks with magically made icicles. Absolutely barbaric, I know. I end up crafting a chilled charcuterie kebab and scarfing it down. Did I look refined? Probably not, but at this point I'm too hungry to care much for manners. Ivory must also be starving because he detaches from my staff and starts picking at the vibrant berries. Where we live, our diets typically consist seafood, root vegetables, grains, and magical flora adapted to the climate of a frozen coast, so this dinner will be a welcome change of pace. After satiating ours stomachs on a base level, I can begin to truly appreciate the spread. The variety is astounding! I start to search for a real meal. I look at the dining table and see it stretched the length of the hall to an almost imperceptible length. At glance, it looks to be an enchantment that causes the room to loop on itself to accommodate every guest. How clever! I walk past the chairs and benches until I can find a spot that is open and somewhat close to Lurien. I let him get away once, not again. After walking for a bit, I finally spot him. He is surrounded by friends, all laughing while eating away merrily. It doesn't seem a seat is open in that particular circle, but one is available close enough to get in his sight. Moving quickly, I slide onto the bench next to a stranger.

My my mouth waters as I take in the options: chicken, pork, beef, lamb, fish, vegetables of all kinds, exotic fruit slices that look perfectly ripe, bread rolls of every variety and, oh be still my heart, CALAMARI! Ivory and I notice at the same time and immediately snatch the plate. Such golden crispy chewy goodness paired with thick zesty sauces. As we bite down, that oh so satisfying first crunch is enough to make the whole night worth it. Forget the waltz music, this is the real symphony we needed. The squid's flesh gives way to our teeth and we munch away blissfully. Calamari has always been our favorite. I'm not much of a chef, so making it ourselves has been... difficult, thus we typically depend on restaurants to get our fix. However tonight has increased my standards tenfold. No calamari will ever top this, not in a million years.

After I scarf down the last piece, I scan the table for something more novel but catch the gaze of the woman to my right (@these-detestable-hands) . She wears some brilliant combination of pirate apparel and ball clothes with a red and white polka dot sash. Though that isn't what stood out to me first. As I locked eyes with her, a horrified visage burned into my memory.

"You monster!" she shuddered in a low and tense tone, "That was my sister you just ate!"

Confounded my eyes finish observing her and spot her hair. Well, it isn't so much hair, but red octopus tentacles growing from her scalp. I immediately put the pieces together, and throw myself into a coughing fit out of shock.

"I'M SO SORRY-- I DIDN'T KNOW--"

As profuse apologies tumble out of me, her shell shocked grimace turns into a delighted grin as she begins to laugh unyielding. She pats my back saying,

"Oh calm down red-head, it was just a joke."

My horror subsides and I begin to chuckle a little which then grows into a contagious laughter I must have gotten from her. We both revel in the absurdity of the moment. As we calm down, she introduces herself,

"The name's Haley."

"Ah! A pleasure to meet you, Haley! My name is Seros. I apologize for the whole 'eating your sister' debacle. Think you can forgive me?"

She expels another hearty laugh. We have a delightful conversation over our meals and the time flies. It's not until we say our momentary goodbyes when I realize I have yet to meet with Lurien. I think I still have time. He seems to be up and mingling now! Ok, time to get some answers.

[gobblinhours]

Thin Line Commentary

I've never done this before, but @alchemicallymoon made one for their Agent 32 fic, (which can be read here) so what the hell, seems like an interesting idea!

And fun fact, the whole idea for this fic was spawned because I cannot smile, I just press my lips together into a Thin Line (title drop)

Biggest thing to note: How long it took to write. I thought that it would be around 5000 words and I could get it out by Thanksgiving.

This was not the case. The original roadmap was Eight & Four -> Eight & Three, with a one-day time skip in the middle. But then I had an idea to make it less abrupt, so I integrated Off the Hook into it, before realizing I was leaning into Eight's relationship with Pearl, at the cost of Marina, so I had to make another scene with Eight and Marina to even things out. (leading to this post) Then I figured I should throw in a little bit of positive interaction between Pearl and Marina, which luckily was easily able to be adapted into something subtly referencing Pearlina at the end.

Then I realized that someone had to stay back to commentate over the radio, and if Three and Eight were going to go into a kettle together like I planned, someone else would have to be in the story. I'm not confident in writing Cuttlefish or Sheldon for extended periods, and I already utilized Marie for a joke, so Callie was the most viable option.

And she worked surprisingly well! She and Eight bounced off of each other as if they had been friends for years, even though at this point in time this was the first time Eight had spent any time 1-on-1 with Callie, and she was a great foil to Three, with both examples leading to slapdash photoshop jobs. I had them run through a kettle, (24, for obvious reasons.), and fun fact: That was written as I played through it with a charger, albeit with two people and an increase in skill.

After that, I finally was able to get Three and Eight together, although by that point I was already over my estimate and had to cut out a plot point to save time and energy. (Three and Eight get sushi together during the evening with a Three name drop!) Luckily that was at the very end of the fic, so that fact, combined with the fact that I had no idea how to bridge the time gap except for a shopping montage, which seemed like too much of a cut for me, so I chopped it down to lunch, turf war, and video games. In the end, the roadmap ended up more like Eight & Four -> Eight & Pearl -> Eight & Marina -> Eight with Pearlina in the background -> Eight & Callie -> Eight & Three.

The biggest time loss besides IRL business was finding ways to connect the scenes together organically, as I didn't want to overutilize line breaks. I spent days unable to think of a way to connect them, (the kettle run and lunch being especially egregious) to the point where the once-liberal Thanksgiving estimate was now a speck in the rear-view mirror. The second biggest issue was writing a turf war, as I realized that fight scenes (specifically choreography) were not my specialty. (Also why you don't get to see Eight play generic-brand DDR) I can visualize it in my mind, but I can't put it into words. Hopefully with practice that can be fixed.

Overall, this is the second fic I've written that I was 100% proud of upon release, possibly due to the anxiety that came from accidentally posting it early drowned out any perceived issues, which happened with my first fic, which is the other one I was satisfied with. (my one complaint is that I couldn't come up with a good name for Callie to use in a chatroom, because agentFUN was already taken and I couldn't come up with anything else.)

Overall, I'm surprisingly happy with the quality of this, and I doubt that I'll write anything close to this length and quality, at least for a while. And while I know that I did say that I would write another Agent 24 fic next, this has drained me of any motivation to write anything focused on this ship, and I need time to recover. But I have plenty of non-24 related ideas, and motivation still flows within me. The most anyone should expect for a bit is occasional updates to my microfic dump, but that by no means means that I am not going to write anything big again, just taking a break from more time-consuming projects, as I spent over a month on this, and the added pressure of having people vote on this didn't help at all, so from now on I probably won't do that.

But even though it was absolute hell to write, it was oddly satisfying to work on, and it feels weird not having to think about what to write next.

[way-of-eywa]

Trip to the Past

Pairing: Kiri Sully x fem!Human Reader

Wordcount: 2.896

Genre: slight angst(?), fluff

A/N: Finally finished this one. Took a bit longer than expected but later than never, right?^^ Hope you enjoy reading as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Feel free to let me know what you think or if I'm missing something.

This is for Day 2 of #Crybabies14DOL2024.

Trying to focus is hard when a quirky little Tuk jumps up and down next to you. "Come on, come on, come on." Almost yelling into your ear out of excitement. With a sigh, you put away the piece of jewelry you had been working on for quite some time now. It was almost finished, yet something was missing. "Hurry up!"

You looked to your left, where Kiri sat, who was also working on some jewelry piece. She looked right back at you, a soft smile on her lips, before putting her piece into a small basket nearby, which contained some beads and other stuff needed for ornaments. "Okay, Tuk, you got us," you chuckled and got up first. Tuk wasted no second and grabbed your tiny hand. Even though she was way younger than you, almost a baby, she was about a head taller than you. Already used to humans being way smaller than Na'vis, and knowing this was also the case with Tuk for some time now, it still took you by surprise. As fast as your human legs could manage, you tried to keep up with the little girl who pulled you quickly out of the Sullys' hut.

"How's my fave lil sis doing?" With a big grin, Spider threw an arm around your shoulders, pulling you close. You rolled your eyes. "I am the firstborn AND your only sister." You laughed and tried aiming your elbow into his side but sadly managed to hit only a piece of air. Too bad he got good reflexes. Well trained. With a fake shocked look on his face, he let you go. Sending a glance over your shoulder, you saw Kiri coming closer. A smile spread across your lips. She looked beautiful. Her layered, almost shoulder-length hair looked a little wild. The few braided longer pieces of hair moved slightly with her light-footed walk. "Where are we heading?" she asked. Out from the bushes, Lo'ak showed up. "This way," he said, returning to where he came from. "Lo'ak and I have found something a few days ago. Thought it would be a good day to check it out", Spider replied and smiled at Kiri. Tuk was the first to follow, bouncing up and down. Then the rest of you followed.

"Is it such a good idea to just follow them?" Kiri joked and laughed as you joined her.

Tuk kept holding your hand on the way, which only lasted so long till she found some beautiful flowers and got excited and wanted to take a closer look. Since she was the youngest and not allowed to leave the village as often as the others, this only increased her excitement.

In the meantime, the two boys led the group, whispering occasionally, but you couldn't make out what they were saying. You must admit that you focused more on Kiri and small Tuk. The younger one needed someone to watch her; four eyes were better than two. And Kiri. Well, she was Kiri. A very, very good friend of yours. You liked her a lot. At times, you thought there was a bit more than just friendship between the two of you. The way a touch lingered for a second longer than necessary. Or the glances you exchanged deepened before the two of you shyly looked away, both of your cheeks turning pink. The constant smile on your faces when spending time together. The way her ears would always be directed towards you.

What felt like a very long walk ended when the boys in the front stopped. It seemed like you arrived at your destination. With a big grin, Lo'ak turned around, two braid strains falling out his ponytail, spreading his arms wide to show off that special place they had found. "The Old Shack"

"The old shack?" You questioned, raising an eyebrow. "The old shack," repeated Spider in certainty. You opened your mouth to say something in return, but your brain was empty. This was not one of the many things you could have imagined, so you simply repeated the words that had just left your mouth.

"Damn sisi, you slow today." Spider shook his head in played disappointment before sending you a crooked smile. "Isn't it cool? It's where our parents fought." Now, it was your turn to shake your head in return. "That's not cool" - "We're not supposed to be here," Reminded Kiri. Her brother waved it off. "It's part of our history. Isn't it intriguing?" Kiris ears flattened slightly against her head and her tail swished around with a bit more force, showing that she was mildly upset.

You let out an exhausted sigh, looking around. You met Kiris' gaze. It was clear that you had the same thought. This was a stupid idea. On the other hand, Tuk seemed excited, which was probably caused by her being so young and not completely understanding what this meant, being here and how dangerous this could be. Yet there was this tiny spark inside you, filled with curiosity. As different as Spider and you were, one thing you certainly had in common was the dislike you shared for your father and his actions.

"Just look at that," Lo'ak whispered, tail pointing upwards and his finger towards a metal piece peaking out front he high risen gras. "Could be your dads suit." With that, he jumped over this big tree stem, which blocked the path to the old battlefield. Your stomach tightened, and your jaw clenched. You didn't like it here. You didn't feel good being here. Knowing what happened. Your mind trying to imagine what that moment had been like for Jake and … the other guy to whom you happened to be related.

For a while, you walked around the place, arms crossed in front of your chest, as if this would help you, keeping you some kind of distance emotionally and mentally, and tried taking in as much as you could. This could be a "one time chance only" moment after all. Seeing what time had done to this place; it looked like a moment paused in space and time. The atmosphere still lingered in the air. The way Lo'ak had pointed at the suit lying on the ground, showing the last movement it ever did and was stopped by the ground.

One window of the linking station cracked but was still in place, the other one not so much. You could still see some glass pieces being stuck in a place where once a whole glass front was. The sun was breaking through the roof of leaves above you and bathed the spot in a warm light. The shards on the ground near the linking station reflect the sunlight. You let out a scoff when you thought of how beautiful the scenery looked despite the fact this was a battleground.

It was mesmerizing how nature took care of this place. Ivy and other plants that grew on and around the things that did not belong here, in this world. As if it was a natural way of embracing what happened and trying to heal from that. Eywas way. Though you couldn't understand how or why. Just thinking about all the pain humans had brought here, you were finding it hard to breathe, as if a heavy stone was placed on your chest. Nervously, you grabbed your mask with a shaky hand, taking note that it, indeed, was still sitting accurately on your face. After that, you checked on your oxygen tank. It seemed fine. Still enough oxygen in there. Weird.

After standing around indecisively and looking at your surroundings, your eyes stopped at your fathers' suit. Stepping carefully closer. It was in surprisingly good shape after all, with some scratches here and there. Broken glass of the canopy, staring at two feather ends that belong to two arrows. They were green and yellow striped. You recognized it. They belonged to Neytiri, the sully kids' mom. Your eyes followed down to where the tip ended, stuck into a skeleton torso. You yelped.

Hearing you, the others were quick to appear next to you. The youngest Sully boy was the first to speak. "Ah, don't worry. He's dead, he doesn't feel anything." He explained in a joking tone, patting your head a little unhandily before turning away to leave again. "Thanks for letting me know the obvious." You muttered before your eyes moved to Spider, standing next to Lo'ak, staring down at the remaining pieces of your father's human body. For a minute, he clenches his jaw and fists before turning away, following Lo'ak without saying a word. Shouldn't he be the one to say something to you? Or you to him? But you couldn't think of anything. The urge not being able to breathe gets stronger, causing you to take a few steps back. You forced yourself to look somewhere different. Taking in the beauty of nature, the way it was colored, and how beautifully wild and free.

Couldn't he see how mesmerizing Pandora is? How deeply Na'vi connect to each other, nature and fauna? Did he really not care? Not about the damage the humans done or that he had kids? Was he such a broken man to not be able to feel anything at all? Was he that stone-cold-hearted?

This whole thing made you feel sick to your stomach. Literally. You could feel spit collecting more and more in your mouth, trying to swallow, which didn't help at all. Then, all of a sudden, your stomach cramped. Hastily, you hurried behind a bush. Taking a deep breath in before removing the mask, you could hear a worried Kiri calling for you.

Stumbling back out of the bushes, you stand before a concerned-looking Kiri. Ears pointing backward. She squatted down, and her tail wagged around nervously. "This must be hard for you…" She noted with a soft voice. You scuffed in reply and put on a sleeky grin. "Not really." The Na'vis' yellow eyes bore a hole into your soul. At least, that's what it felt like. She didn't say anything. The warm and soft look in her eyes, with a hint of sadness, was all that was needed for your wall to crumble. The one you had built up over the years and shut the fact about your father behind. Not letting it get near you. It worked real fine… till today. "Come!"

With that, she took your hand in her bigger one and headed away from the battlefield, leaving the others behind. A few feet away, Kiri stopped walking and sat on the ground, leaning against a trunk, patting the spot next to her, meaning for you to join her, which you happily did. In the distance, you could hear the sound of Tuk's laugh.

"Isn't it beautiful here?" The Na'vi whispered after the both of you sat there in silence momentarily. Lost in thoughts, you nodded, gazing towards the ground. It wasn't until Kiri nudged you carefully with her knee that you looked up at her. She had this knowing look on her face. "You are not fine," she stated. It wasn't even a question. "Please, tell me what's going on?" She turned more towards you and put a strain of hair that slipped out of your ponytail behind your ear. You sighed and tried to put on a smile. Her always sensing when something was bothering you made it harder to pull yourself together. You opened your mouth to say something, but there was a lump in your throat. "It's about your father." Again, it wasn't a question. She really knew you. It could also be obvious in the eye of the situation.

"I cannot not think about him… you know… seeing his body… or more what's left of it." The ground seemed to be really interesting today. Trying to make sense of what's running in your mind. "The arrows stuck in his torso… the ones from your mom… I know I might sound crazy… but seeing them there… I swear I could feel the moment they were shot. All the anger and pain that must run through her veins. And I get it. He deserves this." The lump in your throat is growing. You tried to clear it but weren't very successful. "Well, at least as far as possible for me, a human being." You scoffed, thinking about Neytiri ever since what humans did to her planet. She hated them. And even you and Spider were disliked by her, even though you hadn't anything to do with the war. You couldn't blame her. "And being related to that man. I mean… everything that makes you you… it's part of your parents' genes and what makes them.. them." Your eyes started to burn. Partly of hate, pain, sadness, and disappointment, you felt right at this second.

Kiri gave you time to gather your thoughts. It was something you really appreciated a lot. You clenched your jaw and eyes shut. Ripping angrily some blades of grass, using more force than needed. "How is it even possible to be such an evil person!? Was there anything else he cared about except destroying a beautiful planet and its lives?" You were almost yelling now, throwing the ripped pieces of grass carelessly to the side and looking directly into Kiri's eyes. Her gaze laid softly on you, and her face had a frown. Forehead in wrinkles.

"I don't know." She truthfully answered. Nodding your head in slight agreement, a tear rolled down your cheek. A laugh left your lips, hoping it would release some of the pain and heaviness you felt in your body. "But I do know, and that is a fact; you might share your genes with him, but you guys have nothing else in common. Not you or Spider." Reassuring, she smiled at you and grabbed your hand, intertwining your fingers. You couldn't help but let out a giggle and return her smile. "You are such a nice and beautiful and smart and kind person. Far far away from whatever he was."

Kiri let her thumb run over the back of your hand before bringing it to her lips and kissing it on top. Her bright yellow eyes look into yours, not breaking the eye contact. The smile on your lips grew even wider. She was hypnotizing. You couldn't look away. To be honest, you didn't even wish to do so. "I like you, (Y/N), just the way you are. Remember, you define who you are, not your genes or who your family is." "True." A whisper left your lips. It was only then you noticed how you were holding your breath. "Thanks, Kiri."

With that, you got up, waddled over to her, and threw your arms tightly around her neck while whispering, "Thank you so much." Kiri wasted no second and returned the hug by putting her arms around your middle. For a while, the both of you stayed like this. Closed eyes, taking in the warm embrace to lighten up. "You're not crazy. I can feel it, too." She admitted when the two of you let go of each other. Feeling warmth wrapping around your heart, not feeling alone anymore. "And even if… I wouldn't mind being crazy as long as it's with you." You chuckled. Her tail slightly wrapped around your legs, leaving soft strokes on the back of your thighs, sending goose bumps up your spine.

For a bit longer, you guys sat there, changing the topic to something more uplifting, the plans you had for the next few days when some noise of broken twigs was heard behind the two of you. The long-lost kids showed up. "You won't believe what we found." An excited Tuk squeaked. The two of you getting up, you brushed off some dirt that stuck to your bum from sitting on the ground. "Oh yeah? Tell me." Kiri replied in almost the same excitement.

Both girls walked up front with Lo'ak following, heading back towards the village. You looked back to the battlefield once more and sighed. With that you could feel a bit of the weight on your chest being lifted. "You okay?" Spider asked worried. "Yeah, for now, I am. What about you?" With furrowed brows, you observed your twin. For a second, he also glanced back to your father's remains. "Sure." He sounded like he was trying to convince himself, but quickly, he shook it off, had his usual stupid smile on his lips, threw an arm around your shoulders, and dragged you away from that place you just visited, heading home.

It was then you had an idea. "Hold up." With that, you freed yourself and headed back to the suit. Now you knew what was massing on your jewelry. Take the small knife out of its sheath you always carried with you and cut off some of the feathers of Neytiris's arrows. Putting back the knife, you pulled out a piece of yarn and wrapped it around the piece to hold it together. Na'vis worked meaningful material into their jewelry. That's something you absolutely adored. And what did this mean to you? Deciding to go against humans and their destructive behavior. Choosing to protect Pandora and never end up like your father. With that, you hurried back to the others and headed home.

[obsoleteozymandias]

hello! id like to request a twst matchup if it's okay with you!

pronouns: she/he/they, don't really care

gender/sexuality: somewhere on the non binary spectrum, it's just there i guess lol. sexuality is just queer- i don't really confine to a label but i don't have a gender preference

appearance: average height but on the shorter side, like 5'4 last time i checked. im a little chubby and i have a lot of body marks like scars, marks and moles. my hair is mid-length and a little curly. i wear glasses and have several ear piercings too. i wear a lot of baggy clothing; i wouldn't say i have much of a style. i just wear what i feel fits the occasion and is comfortable for me.

personality: my personality type is infp. im a very reserved person who shies away from people and usually i refrain from initiating conversations and stuff unless im pretty close to someone. if i feel comfortable enough or have known someone long enough to feel at least some security, i become less quiet and i joke around. i tend to over share sometimes, and then regret it later. i kinda tend to run my mouth without thinking. i joke a lot, and i'm not a serious person unless someone is in danger or having a rough time. i use humor to cope with like everything, and i like making people laugh. i take pride in being someone who listens/a shoulder to lean on, but i don't like opening up emotionally like that, but if i feel connected to someone i'll try my best. romantically i'm pretty shy, too. i like when people are affectionate to me, but i feel reluctant to initiate anything myself. i'm always fidgeting or moving, as i don't like sitting completely still. if someone pisses me off i can get aggressive, but not physically. i hate being talked down to. i love sugar and sweet things, cute things and animals. i'm not a huge fan of exercise.

hobbies: i love to play instruments and sing; i play guitar and piano, and i wish i could play other instruments too. i also do visual art sometimes, but it's not anything spectacular. i also enjoy history and like learning about niche subjects.

characters i don't want to be matched with: epel, jack, vil, ortho (obviously lol), idia, lilia, jade

Apologies for the wait, I’ve been going through it lads

== Twisted Wonderland ==>

I match you up with…

Cater Diamond 

Cater is super affectionate with you from the get-go. The instant he becomes your friend (or, the instant he declares himself your friend), he’s always hugging and touching you, reminding you to pay attention to him. 

This increases tenfold when you get into a relationship with him. He’ll want everyone to know that you two are together, and so he’ll always be holding your hand and calling you pet names.

At the same time, he’s a very private person. If you want to keep the relationship or any facet of it secret for any reason, he’ll take said secrets to his grave.

Cater will 100% put on a concert and sing for you whenever you play an instrument. He’s suddenly a broadway star, belting his heart out even when it sounds bad, all for you. 

He may not always be interested in the same things you are, but he’ll try to take interest in them. 

One key thing about this relationship is that you both are on the same level with eachother. Cater is an introvert’s extrovert - he respects your boundaries and can even be insightful and intuitive when it comes to your needs. 

He’ll always be aware of your needs and listening, even to the smallest details. 

Introvert and extrovert power couple. 

[changingplumbob]

Chopra Household: Chapter 4, Part 2

Part 2 is all done for the Chopra family. Highlights include New Years Eve, sunny infant playtime, a chicken arguing with the Grimm Reaper, and the twins last days as infants. Savannah has many more milestones than twin sister Mercedes (we all know she stole some), but Mercedes is bound to say her first word any time now.

TW: The game stuffed up so there is unexpected chicken death

Twins are asleep, time to try bonding with these bunnies. Cassandra tries out a friendly comment and a joke. Bunny does not approve and is not afraid to show it. She take a breath and goes to talk to Cluckton. At least he is chipper and appreciates her playing with him.

I sold all my extra veges in the move so Cassandra offers the bunny an egg. Good reaction, the bunny enjoys it. Rahul tries to say something nice but again the bunny doesn't like small talk. He offers some spare bugs in a nice parcel. The bunny sniffs and accepts. Maybe we can be friends in time.

Good news, the bees made the move unscathed. I'm just going to think of these cars near the lot as belonging to the Chopras. Cassandra would have the mini and Rahul would have the jeep. At least, I think it's a jeep. Cars are not one of my areas of expertise.

I have decided the Chopras will try out the Simple Living lot challenge. Hopefully the garden produce will cover the cost of all the flour and sugar.

Cassandra: So this is home

Rahul: I hope you can be happy here

Cassandra: My gloomyness won't disappear but I am falling in love with the lot

*doorbell*

Urszula: Delivery

Cassandra: Come on in, we're just finishing dinner

Rahul: You know, I used to have your job

Urszula: You have a nice house now so clearly it didn't go badly

Cassandra: It did not

Rahul: It helped me score a wife

Urszula: ah ha, ah ha, now how about a tip

Supper time for the infants. Savannah discovers she likes mango. Mercedes woke up grumpy however.

Cassandra: Hey little ladybug, where are you going

Mercedes: *grumps*

Cassandra: Come on, supper time

Mercedes: *grumps*

Cassandra's wrangling of the grouchy infant increases her parenting skill to 5

Cassandra helps Mercedes try some avocado. Hold the phone, she likes it! Rahul tries to get Savannah to try some yoghurt while Cassandra takes Mercedes for a diaper change. Pee... goes... EVERYWHERE! Mercedes chuckles so at least she is having a good time. Savannah has some small burp bubbles.

Cassandra changes Mercedes into her sleepwear and puts her to bed while Rahul carries Savannah in. Mercedes, as normal, needs some extra comfort to get to sleep. When she's snoring Rahul propositions Cassandra which she accepts gladly. With that, moving day is all done.

New Years Eve is here! In the southern hemisphere we have it in summer so I changed the calendar accordingly. Rahul's resolution is to upskill, Cassandra's is to be promoted. We start the day off right with bubble baths for both girls. Tomorrow they will age up, their time as infants is ending.

Breakfast bottles. The sun is shining so it's time to take advantage of it and get some nice photos for the wall. I wanted to do them at the front door but the sun isn't round there yet. I love this little family so much despite the headaches.

*deep breath* Last time I played the Chopra's I turned animal aging off as chickens were aging to quick for my time length. I turned it on after moving. The original trio of Cluckton, Feathers and Squidge are labelled as chicks. Melon and Floofy (hatched just last rotation) have stopped being chicks and are labelled elder 😮‍💨

It makes me happy to see Mercedes and Savannah playing out in the sun. Cassandra continues tending to the chickens while Rahul tends his still growing garden. Mercedes has to remind everyone she was the first to stand and uses the yard chair to demonstrate. When content she turns and spots... the bunny!

Turned away for one second and found Mercedes like this. I guess she was so eager to reach the bunny she stumbled with style. She begins babbling to the bunny and I dub it Binky. Savannah goes to see what Cassandra is up to. She practices her guitar in the sun while Savannah looks on fascinated.

Lunch time arrives and with it, the need for the infants to nap. They're both content outside so I set them up to nap on the grass.

Snuggles: *clucks* why do they make so much noise

Squidge: *clucks* because they're small

Snuggles: *clucks* I don't wail like that

Squidge: *clucks* Thank goodness

Cassandra moves away from the twins to practice so she doesn't wake them up. To my amazement some birds join her, look at these cute little guys. Pretty sure that's thanks to the bird life mod. Rahul tries to give Binky a bell pepper since small talk doesn't work. Binky approves!

Uh oh, horrific smell alert! Clean up required!

Mercedes: *cries*

Cassandra: Hey ladybug, it's okay

Mercedes: *cries*

Cassandra: It's not a blow out at least, come on, mama will get you cleaned up

Mercedes: *sniffles*

Rahul meanwhile enjoys petting Binky. The bunny gifts him a bottle of milk.

Grimm: Melon

Melon: Yes

Grimm: Your time has come

Melon: What? I was a chick for 3 days, I've been a hen for 2, I want to speak to the watcher

Grimm: The watcher doesn't know how to fix it

Melon: I'm not a true elder

Grimm: Don't worry, my wife will look after you

Melon: Fine but you better have the good corn

The twins get put in the lounge for the afternoon. Mercedes once again goes and shows she knows how to stand while Savannah blows raspberries. Cassandra takes take of some chores while Rahul takes the chance to go for a run. He's missed the rolling green hills of Henford.

Savannah: *blows kiss*

Cassandra: OMW Rahul did you see

Rahul: Little busy with this stereo

Cassandra: You blew mama a kiss didn't you

Savannah: Fun ma do

Cassandra: Don't worry little ladybug, no one grows up exactly the same *blows raspberry*

Mercedes: *giggles*

Cassandra: Who wants dinner? Do you want dinner

Mercedes: Lu da boo

Rahul: You don't think there's a problem

Cassandra: What do you mean

Rahul: She's over 2 and hasn't said her first word

Cassandra: The watcher extended infant lifespans to account for all their milestones, she's going to be fine. They'll be toddlers until they're 6, plenty of time to learn

The infants go to bed in cribs for the last night. The adults then go to watch the countdown to midnight despite feeling worn out. Sure enough midnight comes, a new year is here, and they get fireworks in the living room. They move to the bedroom where they experience fireworks of a different kind.

Mercedes starts her birthday by exploring the rubbish bin. A dust cloud encircles her and oh my gosh would you please get that out of your mouth! Savannah doesn't want to be left out and after her own diaper change dives in. Again dust flies. At least she finds something more appropriate.

I send them outside but that doesn't help. Savannah has the play bug and gets stuck into the plants. Cassandra plays some guitar, she's only level 6, and Mercedes lies down to listen. I swear that girl is either standing up or laying down, sitting is not her thing. Savannah in contrast happily sits.

Cassandra feeds the other bunny, Boo, an insect which is accepted

Cassandra: Honeybee, please stop digging up the plants

Savannah: *giggles*

Cassandra: Nap time you two

Mercedes: *grumbles*

Cassandra: Come on little lady, you know you love cuddly naps, we'll have cake after

Twins: *snore softly*

Previous Part ... Next Part

[jellicle-chants]

Jemima for the Valentine's thing!

Ask and you shall receive!

Double Entendre

(This fic is rated G I promise I just wanted to have a joke title)

Jemima's got a crush on the one and only Rum Tum Tugger. But will her confession work out as she planned?

"Hi, Miss Cass!" Jemima pounced at the tire and landed on all fours next to Cassandra, who was in the middle of enjoying her afternoon stretch.

"Hello starlight, what's on the horizon today?"

Jemima beamed at the pet name. "Nothin' much, what about you?"

"Oh, I'm just taking a little rest here. Care to join?"

If some cosmic force asked Cass to pick a favorite kitten, it would be hard to choose against the tabby-and-white blur of energy currently trying her best to settle down at her side. After pacing back and forth trying to decide which was the best way to lay down, Jemima finally seemed to relax.

Of course, all that was for naught when Tugger sauntered into the junkyard clearing a few moments later.

"Miss Cass, Miss Cass, look! Isn't he so cool?" Cassandra obligingly turned her head towards where Tugger was showing off a new move to Plato — who, she noted, seemed nearly as enthralled as Jemima was. "I wish Tugger would talk to me like that. But he never pays any attention to me at all."

"I'm sure that's not true, dear."

"Is so!"

Cass had to hold back a laugh, looking over at the kitten with as much wisdom as she could muster. "Well, why don't you tell him that you like him, then? It is the season for love, you know." Either that, or she had wildly misinterpreted her human's sharp increase in having people over in the past few days.

"Oh, you really think so?" Jemima's little face scrunched up as she considered her options. "But... he's always going on about how he doesn't like things to be given to him. So maybe I should tell him that I really don't like him, and then that'll work!" She was practically squirming around on the tire now, kneading her paws into the rubber to work out her nervous energy. "Could you call him over here please, Miss Cass? It won't work if I do it."

"Sure, sweet pea." Cass stretched out to her full length and called out across the open junkyard. "Tugger! Jemima has something she wants to tell you."

He looked over, confused, and Cass waved him over with a subtle head nod. "So, what's all this about?"

"Rum Tum Tugger! I want you to know that I actually don't like you at all. Ever. And... I think you shouldn't hang out with me, and you should spend all your time with the boys instead. Ok?" She crossed her arms and puffed out her chest in a perfect harrumph gesture that Cass made sure to commit to memory.

"Uhh..." Tugger looked over at Cass for some kind of explanation, but she just raised an eyebrow at him and offered a knowing smirk. "... okay. No need to make such a big deal out of it. Guess I'll go now."

Jemima, to her credit, held up the pose for a few good seconds as he strolled off, before absolutely flopping back against the tire in despair. "Oh no, that didn't work at all! Now he probably thinks I hate him. Why did I do that?"

"Just remember, this is Tugger we're talking about, dewdrop," Cass said, ruffling the fur between Jemima's ears. "He always does the opposite of what one expects."

"Aww, now I'll never get to hang out with him ever!" She flailed around on the tire some more, completely in the throes of her anguish.

"Don't say that." She gave Jemima a boop on the nose with her tail, and that seemed to break the kitten out of her spell. "I'm sure he'll come back around to you sometime soon. Just you wait."

Jemima snuggled up alongside her, having finally tired herself out enough to stay still. Cass, for her part, was perfectly happy to soak up the afternoon sun for a few minutes more.

[rookie-critic]

Bardo, False Chronicle of a Handful of Truths (2022, dir. Alejadro González Iñárritu) - review by Rookie-Critic

I am a huge fan of Alejandro González Iñárritu. I've liked every film I've seen of his. Babel was great, Biutiful was, well, beautiful, and Birdman was absolutely breathtaking. So I went into Bardo with fairly high expectations. I had heard that it was incredibly surreal, but so was Birdman, so I wasn't really surprised. However, to call Bardo just "surreal" is almost underselling the nature of it. If you're a viewer who really enjoys when movies are clear, concise, and lay their stories out plainly and linearly, then Bardo is most likely not for you. It is a tough watch, both because of how bizarre it is and because of its length. Generally I wouldn't necessarily refer to a two and a half hour film as overlong (in the post Avengers: Endgame world, how could you?), but I definitely think Bardo is, and it's indicative of probably the film's biggest fault: it's exceedingly boring. It really pains me to say that, because there are a lot of beautiful, amazing things about this film that I'll talk about a little later on, and I don't want to diminish those things by boiling them down with one of the most basic complaints imaginable, but it is. It's boring. Almost every single scene in the entire 159 minute span of this film overstays its welcome, even the ones that are amazing are lessened with just too much. I don't even know that I really want any particular sequence to be removed, because they're all so crucial to the film's message, but they can all be re-edited, touched up in some way that removes a lot of the fluff (and there's a lot of fluff).

Iñárritu hits an absolute home run with every sequence; he hits the ball out of the park, runs the bases, then runs them again, and then runs them again, and eventually your eyes glaze over as you just watch this happen scene after scene after scene, so much so that when you eventually clock back in and start paying attention again, you're bewildered by the fact that, sometimes, he's still running the bases on a home run he hit well over 10 minutes ago. I had to consistently run the film back more times than I even cared to count because I just kept tuning out. A shot would linger for, I'm not joking, minutes longer than it needed to, and I would miss the first few sentences or the next important moment because my brain had just flown away with my attention in tow. It is so frustrating because, again, when the movie does hit those home runs, it is a remarkable film.

Bardo has so many themes and topics that it seeks to tackle (as Iñárritu's films often do), but I think the one that I kept coming back to, and what I personally believe is the focal point of the film's efforts, is the double-edged nature of being Mexican in the modern world. How does one take pride in their Mexican heritage and culture, one that is unarguably brimming with life and food and dance and an overwhelming brightness and love for all things, while also acknowledging the crumbling nature of the country itself? How do you reconcile that disconnect between so badly wanting to live in this country that, in your heart, is your home, is your heartland, and understanding that things will be better for you, for your family, for your children, to leave it because of its increasing failure to represent the nature of it's culture and be a beacon for its people? On the flip side of that, how do you then reconcile your love for this new land, this new country, that has provided you opportunity and relative safety and this better life, when this country is also, in its own way, crumbling, and crumbling in a way that doesn't accept you or your culture? At that point, where does your culture even belong? Where is its home? These central questions drive Bardo in such a forceful, unabashed way that I absolutely fell in love with. It's tragic, it's sorrowfully funny, it's not easy, and the answers aren't there in a complete way, but Iñárritu seeks to challenge the notion that these things can't live with each other, and I think he nails it, absolutely crushes it, but then he oversells his point. It makes the atmosphere around the viewing experience of Bardo one of patience, of constantly hitting the "up" button on your remote to bring up the timeline so you can check how much longer the film has left to go, and that breaks my heart, because in the forest that is Bardo, False Chronicle of a Handful of Truths, is another Iñárritu masterpiece, it's just locked tightly in a shell of a film that is lesser than the sum of its individual parts.

Score: 7/10

Currently streaming on Netflix.