#i CRIED while listening to it his va did such a good job

[sillylittleguyinatrenchcoat]

IN HONOUR OF CAT DROPPING here’s a compilation of some old kazui memes bc i’m too lazy to make more <3 i love one man!!!!

[evabellasworld]

Death of Mandalore

Chapter 5

AO3 Link | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5

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Summary:  After murdering Chancellor Palpatine of the Galactic Republic, Vanya Doyvesky joined leagues with both Death Watch and Darth Maul, hoping to reclaim her Mandalorian warrior heritage. But with broken promises and betrayal against Death Watch and Maul’s crime syndicate, the former Mandalorian Jedi had to choose the right path not only for her but for Clan Doyvesky as well.

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Stuck inside the shipping container, the protocol droid turned to the guard, who was only standing there, staring at the door. “What should we do?”

“There's nothing we can do,” he relented. “The Duchess's forces are being overrun across the entire planet.”

Before he could sit down, he heard weapons firing against each other. “Listen,” the guard gasped. “It sounds like there is fighting going on out there.”

Unbeknownst to him, Vasilia, Vanya, Katrina, and Maria were fighting the thugs with their bare arms and blasters, making sure that the criminals were spared, as instructed by Vizsla. “Take that, you motherfucker,” Maria cussed as she punched a member of the Pykes with her fist.

Vasilia could only roll her eyes as she stunned the other guy, leaving them on the ground. “Put them in handcuffs,” she instructed, as she approached the shipping container. “We’ll take them to the ship after this.”

“Yes, Vas,” Vanya nodded, as she did what she was told.

Approaching the shipping container, the older Doyvesky sister unlocked it and found the guards and the protocol droid that was trapped inside by the Pykes Syndicate. “What's going on?” he exclaimed, facing her in a confused manner.

“We're Death Watch, and we're here to rescue you,” declared Vasilia, letting them out.

“You have my thanks, soldier,” said the guard, placing his hands on his chest as a sign of respect and gratefulness.

“No, thank Pre Vizsla,” she muttered, before gesturing to her sisters to leave the docks. “Looks like our work here is done.”

“Really?” Maria asked. “I wasn’t expecting the fun to end so quickly.”

“I agree,” Katrina nodded. “To be honest with you, this is too easy for us.”

“Of course it is,” Vanya rolled her eyes underneath her helmet. “This was meant to be fa-”

“Zip it, Vanya,” Vasilia shushed her as she looked left and right. “We’re not supposed to say that in front of people, or our plan to take over Mandalore will be foiled.”

“You mean Vizsla and Maul’s plan?” the former Jedi master corrected her. “You don’t even have a say in them. The only thing you do in Death Watch is obeying orders or get yourself killed, that’s all.”

Before Vasilia could say anything, she heard cheers from the surrounding people, who witnessed their so-called heroic deeds against the thugs. “It’s Death Watch,” one of them cried.

“Death Watch are our saviours,” another man claimed. “They saved our lives.”

Katrina and Maria smiled as they waved at the crowds, flattered by the attention they’re receiving. “Thank you, thank you,” Maria said, showing them the peace sign. “I’m honoured to protect my home from dangerous criminals.”

On the other hand, Vasilia and Vanya exchanged a brief glance as they shielded their helmets from the unwelcoming crowd. She could sense her sister’s distress within the Force, prompting her to grab both her younger sister’s hands. “We should get going,” she told them. “We can’t stay here any longer.”

“Fine,” Katrina responded, noticing Vasilia’s hands trembling.

With the criminals within their grasps, all four sisters flew back into the ship, greeted by Darth Maul, who was waiting for them. Vasilia hid her hands behind her back as Vanya cleared her throat, standing in a stiff manner. “We’re done with our mission,” she informed, taking off her helmet. “Where’s Vizsla and Bo?”

“Still fighting our army,” Maul answered, before shifting his focus to her older sister, sensing her uncertainty. “I presumed the mission went well?”

“Yes, my Lord,” Vasilia bobbed her head, releasing them from their cuffs. “We managed to ‘capture’ these criminals and saved the guards at the shipping docks. We were thanked for our service to Mandalore.”

“Good,” he praised. “For now, we’ll wait for the others to return. You are dismissed.”

“Thank you, my Lord,” Vanya bowed, dragging her sisters into the secluded corridor of the ship, making sure there was no one around. “Looks like the coast is clear.”

“Oh, thank the Maker,” Vasilia breathed in relief, removing her helmet as well as Katrina and Maria. “Goodness, Maul scared me to death.”

“Tell me about it,” Maria said. “He almost made me shit my pants.”

“I don’t think I want to hear about that,” gagged Katrina, much to her dismay. “Besides, we’ve done the jobs that were given to us, so now we’ll have to wait and see.”

“But I don’t feel good doing this,” Vasilia wrapped her arms around herself. “Sure, we saved those guards in the docks, except the attack was engineered by us.”

“But you didn’t plan it at all,” Vanya assured her, rubbing her shoulder. “You were just doing what you were told, that’s all.”

“Yeah, but it still feels wrong. I have a lot of opportunities to do the right thing and leave but instead, I’m acting like a big coward. Then again, I am the coward in the family.”

“Vas, you are not a coward,” she told her. “You stood for me more than once when I was mistreated more than three times. Heck, you even walked away from your first boyfriend when he emotionally manipulated you. I thought that was the bravest thing you’ve ever done in your life.”

“Oh yeah?” gleamed Vasilia. “I could say the same for all of you here, especially you, Vanya. You have the balls to kill Chancellor Palpatine of the Galactic Republic. I mean, who would do such a thing?”

“In my defence, he was the Sith Lord who manipulated both the Galactic Republic and the Separatist Alliance just to gain more power.”

“Really?” Maria blurted. “Who told you that?”

“Maul did. He was Palpatine’s apprentice and was trained by him when he was young. He knew his master’s plan to destroy both the Jedi and the Republic from the beginning to the end.”

“Wait, Maul knew everything Palpatine was doing to destroy the Republic?” Katrina wondered. “If that’s the case, then why didn’t the Jedi sense him when he’s standing right in front of them?”

“Because Palpatine allowed the Jedi to be blinded with their own arrogance,” Vanya replied. “That was the reason he created the Clone Wars in the first place. To distract us from what’s actually going on behind the scenes.”

For a moment, all three sisters blinked as if they’re trying to process everything Vanya had said to them before Maria broke the silence. “You know, I have to admit, Palpatine's plans to destroy the Jedi was actually pretty good.”

“Maria!” Vasilia slapped the back of her head, making her exclaim in pain.

“What the hell did I say? It's true though.”

“Yeah, but-”

“No, Maria is right,” Vanya supported her. “He's a goddamn chessmaster, though I feel terrible that the people of the Republic had to pay the price instead.”

“But you eliminated the real villain though,” Katrina conveyed. “It could have been worse had Palpatine been spared.”

“However, many people on Coruscant, especially women and children, got killed when I revealed the truth about their leader's death. Not to mention that I betrayed my own friends, Obi-Wan. He was my best friend, and I stabbed him in the back, without him knowing it.”

Maria tightened her lips and stared at the floor as Vanya leaned on Vasilia's shoulders. There were no heroes in this fight for Mandalore, only villains, and they are part of it, regardless of whether they were only following orders. She clenched her fist as she stared at a photograph of her family on her datapad.

Hey Mama, hey Papa, she said to herself. I hope I get to see you again. I miss you all so much. It feels cold and empty without your presence.

She remembered the last time when they were all together at home. Vasilia was cuddling with her husband as she watched her and Katrina playing with Estella, Marsha, and Sergei, who were growing so fast. Vanya, on the other hand, was chewing on her spicy pepperoni pizza as she was having a lovely conversation with Mama and Papa, since she had just returned from a battle.

Speaking of pizza, it’s been a while since Maria enjoyed her slice of pizza. The only meal she could enjoy was a bowl of broth, and she’s sick of having another meal that is available for Death Watch. She wondered whether it would be a good idea to have a slice of pizza after this. “Hey guys,” Maria grabbed their attention. “Is anyone up for pizza after this?”

“Seriously?” Katrina groaned. “Now it’s not a good time for pizza.”

“I meant after this is done,” she corrected herself. “When we take over Mandalore, you know, we could go to Mama and Papa and order a few boxes of pizza to cheer up.”

“I’m not so sure about that, Maria,” Vasilia doubted. “We might need to stay in the palace a little longer before Vizsla would let us go.”

“But we never had pizza in a while, and see Mama and Papa as well,” Maria pleaded, her hands clasped together. “Vanya, don’t you want to spend time with Mama and Papa? I know you miss them very much.”

“Well…”

“And Vas, don’t you want to see Alejandro, Estella, Marsha, and Sergei again? I know how much they meant the world to you.”

“To be honest with you…”

“We’ve been away from home for too long,” complained Maria. “I’m just sick of being separated from our family, really. Can we please, please go home and have pizza? I just miss the good old days when we don’t have to fight people.”

Vasilia, Vanya, and Katrina looked at each other, before nodding their heads. “Alright, we’ll be home with a box of pizza after we’re done, okay?” Vanya said. “And that is a promise.”

“Oh my gosh, thank you so much,” she squealed, hugging all three of them. “You guys are the best sister ever.”

Vasilia hugged back when she heard her comlink beeping on her wrist, prompting her to put on her helmet. “Well, looks like Vizsla and Bo are done. We should get going.”

“And then we get pizza and see Mama and Papa?”

“Yes, Maria,” Vanya laughed. “Now put on your helmet and let’s go. We don’t have all day.”

[trashexplorer]

BLCD Review: Alternative

Title: Alternative

Author/Artist: Tenzen Momoko

Release Date: 2018/10/26

Cast: Furukawa Makoto x Yamashita Seiichirou

Synopsis:

“You look like you’d do well with men too, though.”

Mizuhara Tomoki, who enjoys non-committal relations, has sex with his work junior’s friend, Shida, out of curiosity after meeting him at said friend’s wedding ceremony. Shida who seemed serious and innocent at first, turned out to carnivorously passionate in sex and Mizuhara now can’t get him out of his mind.

Review Proper

It’s December—the dreaded month. I am on a break from scanlating, but I figured that I’d rather keep myself busy with listening to BLCDs instead of moping and crying over the season. It’s not nearly as stressful as scanlating, so this should be great. I’ve been missing doing reviews anyway. 

So here we are again after almost seven months! But in this particular BLCD’s case, a whole fucking year

Well, what do I have to say? If y’all have read the manga, then there’s no point in discussing the plot here any further because they followed the manga to a T. There were no major adlibs and they even went as far as adapting the extra, so props to Brilliant Prin for that. I mean, when do they ever disappoint? They actually have a few times, but

So we’ll go straight? into the technicalities right now.

Oh my god, do I really have to start with Furukawa Makoto rn? Just kidding, I’m not going to roast Furukawa that much here. I’ll leave that for the next BLCD. No, but seriously, the casting choice for this was really off.

First of all, try as I could to convince myself that he was, Yamashita Seiichirou is not a good fit for Mizuhara-san. I mean, he did his best, I’ll give him that, but his voice is too high for him—it was like Flaver all over again. I think that Furukawa Makoto would’ve done a better job as Mizuhara-san (I said better not great 😂). Imho, someone with a deeper (but not booming) seductive voice should have gotten the role. Think Shingaki Tarusuke (particularly his Yashiro voice), Satou Takuya, or Tachibana Shinnosuke (but I doubt that they’ll have the budget for these guys 😂). 

Furukawa did a good job with Shida, but his voice was too deep and monotonous for me—it was quite similar to his performance in I Hate. Anyway, since Alternative was released in 2018, he gets a pass. but I’m always watching, boyo Also, is it just me or does Shida kind of remind you of Sangen Tonari no Tooi Hito’s Mitsuya? I mean, I haven’t heard this in a long while, but I know I cried listening to it. Idk, when I think of Shida, I just picture him to be voiced by Hino Satoshi and Furukawa kinda sounds like him here. 🤷 

Overall, we had great plot execution, decent chemistry between the VAs, plausible casting choice, and faithfulness to the original content. If I had to rate this, I’d give it a 7. This definitely was not Brilliant Prin’s best that year bc that obv belongs to Fruits, Gateau HELLO??? But hey, it was decent. What am I saying when I was the one who scanlated this? 😂 just goes to show how I was scammed No, but seriously, it’s worth a listen. You can listen to the BLCD while reading the manga, so that would be a great learning experience if nothing else.

Give me a ding, if you want the BLCD!

[inkribbon796]

A Doctor’s Vow Ch 2

Summary: Henrik learned not to trust his friends when it came to their own personal safety.

A/N: Happens around the same time as the previous chapter.

<= PREVIOUS

Chapter 2: I Need 50cc of Common Sense, Stat!

~::~ Twenty Years Ago ~::~

Chase almost drifted into a gas station’s parking lot, almost hitting the pay phone they needed to use.

“Could’a cut it closer, huh?” Marvin spat as he jumped out, Chase cranked the window down manually.

“Shut it, I’m doing my best,” Chase sobbed in panic as he jumped out and hurried to the back where both Jack and another of their friends J.J was in the back. J.J looked like his throat had been cut open and Chase had done a quick job of trying to stop the bleeding, Marvin’s magic helped to keep him from bleeding out. “Jay? Jackie?”

Marvin was in the phone booth, half of the glass taken out prior to them even getting here. “Fook me!” Marvin shouted, looking at the frayed phone cord, and used his magic to try and repair it. “Why is e’erythin’ in this town shite!”

“They’re not moving!” Chase shouted.

“Are they breathing?” Marvin called back. “What the fook is that bastard’s phone number, it’s long as shite!”

“I-I think they’re breathing,” Chase said. “I don’t know.”

“Switch me, then,” Marvin told him, ducking out of the phone booth and almost pulling Chase out of the car. “Go call that damn wet blanket and ask where he is.”

“He has a name,” Chase defended, starting to dial his personal number before trying the insanely long work number he had.

“I’ll remember his name when he gets a reasonable phone number,” Marvin reminded. “They’re still alive, so get ‘em on the phone, now.”

“I’m tryin’,” Chase shouted. Then finally he connected with someone.

“Hein?” Chase pleaded.

“Ja?” Henrik sounded tired.

“Hen? Hen!” Chase shouted. “It’s Jackie an’ Jay, they’re hurt, really hurt.”

There was a bit of muffled German. “Chase?” Another mumbled sentence of German. Henrik was too tied to speak German in the clarity that Chase needed, and Chase was too rattled to catch it even if Henrik had been speaking clearly.

It took awhile for Chase to calm down a bit to communicate, and Henrik to wake up enough to understand him, Chase’s rather broken and stilted German helping even less. But Henrik was awake and waiting for them to get to his apartment.

Chase was at the wheel, Marvin switching between keeping their friends alive and keeping them from being seen.

They arrived at Henrik’s apartment, which was unfortunately on the third floor, but Marvin’s magic made short work of the stairs. Henrik took one look at them, in his pajamas, looking like he needed about fifteen cups of coffee and twenty more hours of sleep.

“You ‘ave tah bee joking,” Henrik groaned as they set Jack and J.J on the floor. “I vas gone for tvo veeks!”

“Yeah, yeah,” Marvin took a couple deep breaths of air. “You’re welcome for keeping these two idiots alive.”

“Alive?” Henrik balked, looking like he was about to explode. “Vat part of zat looks alive?”

“Honey!” Henrik’s wife shouted back angrily, “Why are you all— AHHHHH!”

“Go back to bed little Maüs,” Henrik sighed.

“Should I call the hospital?” She asked.

Henrik just stared at her, “Ja, iff you’re going too bee uph, off course!”

“Well you don’t have to shout!” She shouted back at Henrik.

“I’am not,” Henrik shouted back. “Zere are tvo men dying und bleeding oon our floor!”

Henrik sprung for his large first aid kit,  something that he’d mostly used on Chase over the years. “Vat happened?”

“We tried ta take on a demon, an’ J.J and Jackie fookin’ went on alone,” Marvin answered, concentrating all his magic and effort on keeping the two of them from bleeding out.

Henrik looked up from his box, “Marvin, I svear, if zis vas in anyvay related too all you fooks drinking, I ahm going too kill you all.”

“This would be a shit time ta lie about this Heinz,” Marvin snapped back. “Start on J.J he’s worse.”

Henrik brought his first aid kit over, Chase just staring nervously at his friends, feeling useless.

Jackie woke up just as the paramedics were showing up, feeling like he’d been run over. “What happened?”

“You should bee dead, zat’s vat,” Henrik spat at him.

“Don’t shout, I’m walking up, man,” Jackie whimpered.

Henrik was directing them over to J.J who was still unconscious on the floor.

“You should bee dead,” Henrik spat at him. “Vat vere you all doing?”

“Fightin’ a demon,” Jackie said, looking around anxiously as the two paramedics were coming in, the memory of Anti’s claws coming at him still fresh in his mind. They gave Jackie a quick look before rushing towards J.J was Marvin was trying to keep his blood inside him instead of spurting out of his neck with the force of a fire hydrant because of how bad the cut still was.

“Is he even alive?” One of the paramedics asked.

“Yeah,” Marvin answered.

The paramedic was taking his pulse, shocked, “How is he alive?”

“Magic,” Marvin told him, the paramedic clearly waiting for a joke but when it didn’t come he grew pale and started looking over J.J again.

Henrik was starting to tend to Jackie, whose wounds were already starting to heal.

Jackie’s mind was spinning, J.J’s screams and Anti had . . .

“No,” Jackie was already looking around, feeling a cold shudder pass through him. Anti had followed them. “Marv, Anti’s here!”

“Where?”

The lights began to flicker and a glitchy chuckle came from nowhere.

“What’s wrong?” Anti chuckled and Jack felt the phantom creep of claws on his shoulders.

Jackie screamed, jolting away from the wall. Then he heard a choking sound and looked over to see Henrik with his hands on his throat.

“Hein!” Jackie jumped on him, trying to pin the German doctor to the ground. “Fight him, don’t listen to him!”

Henrik let out the same glitchy chuckle that Anti did, and his elbow was at Jackie’s head within human speed and force. The flickering lights were disorientating and Jackie could hear a garbled cry from J.J’s direction, garbled cries that were getting softer.

Jackie landed on his back roughly and Henrik was over him with his hands on Jackie’s throat.

“Let’s not play around little Hase,” Henrik’s usual accent was twisted by Anti’s glitches. “Once I’m done playing with you I’ll have some fun with the others.”

Jackie was grabbing at his hands, Jackie’s brain already starting to feel Anti’s glitches.

While everyone was frozen by fear, Chase seemed to shake himself out of the fear that Anti typically generated in the people around him. He grabbed the closest, heaviest object, which in Henrik and his wife’s misfortune was a glass vase. “Get off of him fook-face!”

Then he tossed it and with perfect accuracy it smashed into the doctor’s head, dropping him. Anti shot out of him, glaring at Henrik as Jackie was coughing, trying to get onto his feet.

“Ooooh~” Anti chuckled at Chase who was starting to regret his bravery. “A volunteer.”

Chase grabbed the end table that the vase had been on and held it in-between him and the glitch demon.

The world seemed to shift as if a wave of some kind was moving past everyone and suddenly J.J was standing on his throat. His throat stitched up and covered in bandages, a bit of old blood still soaked through them as if the wound was suddenly older.

J.J reached up and grabbed onto Anti’s leg, which immediately got the demon’s attention. J.J quickly pulled out his pocket watch and clicked the top of the winding piston. Color from both Anti and J.J seemed to vanish and they both disappeared from the spot they were in.

“Jay?” Chase began to realize. “Jay!”

“I’m dreaming,” one of the paramedics decided. “That guy was dying.”

A knock at the apartment startled pretty much everyone, except for Henrik who was still dazed on the floor and slowly coming to form his first brush with possession.

Jackie slowly got up, “I got yeh.”

The speedster’s gait was still recovering so he was a little slow but he looked out the peephole to see J.J standing there. Hesitantly Jack opened it. “Prove it’s you.”

J.J was just staring at him, clearly tired. He held up a small chalkboard and began to write. He was slow, looking like he wanted to take a nap.

Then he turned it around, “Can’t talk. Have powers now.”

“What’da yah mean? How’d yah get powers? Where have yeh been?” Jackie demanded. “Where’d Anti go?”

Jackie used his arm to clean the board, looking annoyed. “Board is small, can’t answer several questions at once.”

“Sorry,” Jackie winced, and let J.J in, scanning him over for any signs of Anti. Usually the glitch demon couldn’t stay undercover for long without a big dramatic entrance, but he was very good at pretending.

J.J took the time to write, “It’s me, I promise.”

“Where’s Anti?” Jackie asked, Marvin already rushing into the entranceway and staring at J.J suspiciously.

The now silent J.J was calmly writing as Marvin was already casting a spell, “Marvin said he wouldn’t be back for a week, sent Marv home, came back.”

“Well he’s clean,” Marvin finally decided.

J.J smiled warmly, Jackie was still glad to see that J.J’s personality seemed intact despite whatever had happened to him.

“J.J says he’s got powers now,” Jackie told Marvin, realizing that no one in the other room could have caught their earlier conversation.

“Powers, really?” Marvin asked.

J.J nodded, writing, “Yes, time travel. Chase has powers too, he hits things.”

“Really?” Marvin commented after he was done reading. “Yeh all gettin’ weird powers?”

Shrugging with his arms, J.J walked into the rest of the apartment and just sat down in front of the paramedics, a new message on his board that read: “I have some broken ribs, probably messed up my stomach. Don’t want to be awake anymore.”

Then he laid back down with his chalkboard, letting the world around him just react to him. The paramedics began quickly working on him, trying to keep him awake so they could discern what was actually wrong with him. Henrik woke up enough to accompany them to the hospital.

“I’m not gonna kill ‘em,” Marvin promised, following Henrik out of the apartment complex.

Henrik glared at the magician, “You told mee zat tvo veeks ago. Myy Hause should not bee burned ven I return.”

“Gotcha, Doc,” Marvin seemed a bit crushed.

Henrik sighed, “Perhaps ven I return vee can talk about zat new medical kit.”

Marvin smiled, “I’d appreciate that, Chase is a danger magnet. Jackie hasn’t got an ounce of self-preservation sometimes.”

Henrik patted him on the shoulder, then turned to go with the paramedics, helping to tend to J.J on the ride back. He was glad to see that regardless of the implication of J.J actually travelling through time, J.J wasn’t dying of blood loss anymore.

Anti was gone for now and no one was dead. All in all, a win for Henrik.

[soveryanon]

Reviewing time for MAG154!

- So, what Mary had left to Gertrude almost 100 episodes ago was indeed Eric’s page:

(MAG062) MARY: I’ve always found a singular devotion far too restrictive. Just ask Eric… or what’s left of him. […] GERTRUDE: And do you have any proof of this? Your… “magic book”. MARY: Yeah. [PAPER RUSTLING] You can keep this page. I made sure it was in English. GERTRUDE: Go– Who… who is it? MARY: A surprise, dear. Just make sure you’re alone when you read it. […] ARCHIVIST: […] Hmm. No… strange skin page. But there is a laptop. And a key. I wonder what it opens. End supplement. [CLICK.]

The Delano-Keays have been present since the beginning of the series (Gerry and Mary were introduced as soon as MAG004) yet were… all already dead when we began to hear Jon record his statements, presumably ending the von Closen line (unless somethingsomething about Albrecht’s two Shiny New Sons mentioned in MAG127). It’s strange, in a way, that it feels like we’re saying goodbye to them through that closure and the reveals of their stories… while we never met them alive? Only through a recording (Mary in MAG062), the recording of a “memory” (Eric’s page in MAG154) and a “memory” (Gerry’s page in MAG111). The three of them bound to the book but never at the same time – Mary binding and ripping Eric’s page before she would bind herself to the book, Gertrude burning Mary’s page before binding Gerry, and Gerry’s page ripped and then burned by Jon at the end of season 3.

- Eric’s VA did a fantastic job, and hhhhhhhhhhh, the way he… sometimes snarled a bit? Drawled? Just the same way Gerry spoke? It just dug the knife a bit further in – Eric and Gerry had the same kind of dry self-deprecating sarcasm about their condition, and you could feel that they sounded alike, that Gerry had taken after his father so much, and that they probably would have adored each other………………… Also noteworthy:

(MAG154) ERIC: … And Gerry? Have you seen my son? […] I chose the option I thought might keep Gerry safe.

Eric never called him “Gerard”, but called him “Gerry” twice. Given that:

(MAG111) ARCHIVIST: Thank you, Gerard. GERARD: Gerry. ARCHIVIST: What? GERRY: Gerard was what my mum called me. [EMBARRASSED CHUCKLE] I always wanted my friends to call me Gerry. ARCHIVIST: Thank you, Gerry. Uh… I dismiss you.

… Did the nickname stick in Gerry’s mind when he was an infant, and this is why he was fond of it…?

(And once again: Jon adopted “Gerry”, and was even mocked for it by Julia last episode… while Gertrude was using “Gerard” in MAG137. Until now, I was working under the assumption that Gertrude just wasn’t a “friend” enough to know about Gerry’s nickname but, no, turns out that she did know about it from Eric. Cold, Gertrude, cold.)

- Oopsies about the fact that Gerard had assumed that his father had been killed in his sleep:

(MAG111) GERARD: I never knew my dad. Not really. He worked in the Archives like you, but quit once I was born. I think he wanted to help raise me. But mum didn’t need the help, and after me she wasn’t able to have kids again, so she killed him in his sleep to practice her bookbinding. I guess she failed. I always thought he was in here, but when I eventually got hold of it, there wasn’t a page in there.

(MAG154) GERTRUDE: “When he opened his eyes, he of course saw nothing; but he heard her breathing, slow, and steady, and focused. [CREEPING STATIC SLOWLY RISING] And he immediately knew that she was finally going to kill him. When the garden shears plunged into his chest, he was surprised by how little actual pain there was – just the sudden feel of moisture on his chest, and the realisation that his body was growing weak, fading away. He wished she would say she was sorry she was doing this, that she loved him, that she would miss him – but he knew better, and his final thought was a gentle sadness at how little he was surprised. [OMINOUS RUMBLE WITH A SIDE OF CRACKLING RISES TO CRESCENDO] And so Eric Delano Ended.”

… he hadn’t been so lucky to stay asleep, uh.

- SO THIS IS WHY GERTRUDE HAD SEARCHED GERRY OUT���

(MAG111) GERRY: In the end it was Gertrude who saved me. She came to me when I was desperate, nowhere to go, and she offered to help. I just had to make sure I took the book while my mum was fading, and brought it to her, and then she would free me. I didn’t really believe her, I don’t think, but I did it anyway. When she returned the book to me a week later, her pages burned and mangled, I think I actually cried with relief. I never even considered that my mum might have taught Gertrude how to make pages for it before she was destroyed.

(MAG154) ERIC: Fine! I… I want two things. GERTRUDE: I’m listening. ERIC: I want you to find my son. If Mary is… if she’s gone, or worse… I want you to make sure he’s alright. GERTRUDE: [HUFF] I’m not exactly a mother figure. ERIC: You could hardly do worse than her. GERTRUDE: Fine. But I don’t know what growing up with Mary has done to him. If he’s… gone rotten, I can’t promise anything. ERIC: I understand. GERTRUDE: I suppose he might be useful. ERIC: Oh, sentimental as ever.

… Except that HUM, Eric made his request on July 2008 and Gerry was still haunted by Mary in autumn 2012 (MAG004) so, hey, Gertrude waited at least four years before making her move.

(Things that happened in-between: Gertrude stopped The Flesh’s ritual (October 2009), The Spiral’s (between October 2009 and 2011) and possibly The Lonely’s in that timeframe. She was already making active preparations to counter The Unknowing in October 2013, so did she end up approaching Gerry mostly because she thought he would be useful…? She mentioned in MAG137 (October 2014) that his connection to The Eye was a key to prevent it… “Sentimental as ever” like Eric said.)

- Aaand that’s what Gertrude meant by Eric’s “footsteps”:

(MAG137) GERTRUDE: Gerard may have a connection to The Eye, but I’m not convinced it will be enough. And I will admit I’ve grown… fond of the boy. I wonder, if I told him about Eric – whether he’d follow in his father’s footsteps. Still, that’s not like it kept Eric safe in The End.

… I had wondered if it was about, uh, falling Very Deep into Beholding. But no. It was about fleeing the heck out of it.

;; Gerry already had his eyes-tattoos before he began working with Gertrude (they had apparently protected him from Diego Molina’s fire in MAG012, there was the painting on the wall in MAG004…) so… If Gerry had known about Eric’s sacrifices and disgust of the Institute, maybe he wouldn’t have given so much of himself to The Eye. And Eric would probably have been so sad to know that, while he had fled from the Institute to care for his son, his son… ultimately had gotten so strongly Beholding-aligned and even more or less worked with the Institute (at least by collaborating with Gertrude)…

Given how Gerry didn’t mention his father’s blindness to Jon: no, Gertrude didn’t “tell him about Eric”. Not a surprise. (Gertruuuuude…)

- Some other bits relevant to the timeline:

* Given that (according to one of the given timelines) Elias joined the Institute in 1991 and became Head in 1996 (MAG049) and that Eric didn’t know about his ~promotion~:

(MAG154) ERIC: […] Wright would have preferred you not to know…! How is he, by the way? GERTRUDE: James? He died about… twelve years ago. Elias is Head of the Institute, now. ERIC: “Elias”? Elias Bouchard, seriously? GERTRUDE: Hm, he has changed a lot. ERIC: Must have!

It means that Eric left between 1991 and 1996. Given that Gerry was very little when Eric died, and a kid/teenager in 2002 (MAG035), it’s possible that Gerry was actually a biiit younger than Jon – who was born around 1987-1988…? ;__;

* So, Eric had left the Institute before 1996… but clearly identified Adelard as Gertrude’s “friend”:

(MAG154) ERIC: She never played dumb when I was stalked by bloated, blood-sucking things, or told me I was “imagining it” when I saw your friend Adelard drop a screaming box into the Thames.

The earliest acknowledgement of Gertrude being in contact with Dekker was during MAG077, recorded in November 1996. She had also mentioned an older statement (either “by” Adelard or where Adelard appeared) from July 1991:

(MAG077) GERTRUDE: Based on the interactions and effects, I suspect this to be the creature that Adelard Dekker refers to as the “NotThem” in statement 9910607. […] Based on Dekker’s statement, it would seem Polaroids are also relatively stable.

(Or February 1991; the “7” had become a “2” in the next episode.) We’re still missing this one, since Jon had found another statement in the file in MAG078. I didn’t have the impression that Gertrude and Adelard were in close contact yet in MAG077 (“Adelard Dekker”, name + last name, implied… some distance) but it looks like, no, they were already close enough for Eric to identify him and link him to Gertrude before 1996.

* Mary had given Eric’s page to Gertrude on the 3rd of July 2008 (MAG062); the recording of Gertrude and Eric is from 21st July 2008 (MAG154). Despite Gertrude’s words, I would have almost expected Gertrude to wait… years, before invoking Eric. On the one hand, she “just” waited 18 days before listening to it; on the other hand… it was indeed a long time already, although she had good suspicions of what and who it was.

The Buried’s ritual attempt, “The Sunken Sky” had taken place on 17th June 2008; so, cheer! When Eric told Gertrude all of this and she didn’t flinch:

(MAG154) ERIC: You know, you were never actually that nice to me when I worked for you, Gertrude. Not like Michael, or Emma. […] She never promised anything. Not even in her vows. She never betrayed me. Not like you. She never played dumb when I was stalked by bloated, blood-sucking things, or told me I was “imagining it” when I saw your friend Adelard drop a screaming box into the Thames. She didn’t try to keep me in the dark just so I wouldn’t stop being useful. She never made me complicit in a thousand nightmares, and lives ruined for the sick joy of some otherworldly voyeur. Compared to that… I suppose a few murders were easier to stomach…! […] But I couldn’t be a part of it. Not when I saw what happened to everyone else you involved. I had to get out, to escape this place. I had a son to look after, he needed me! … Or so I thought. And that’s when you turn nasty, isn’t it? When all your… “resources”, they no longer want to serve their purpose. I suppose you didn’t know there was a way out, a way to… escape. But if you had, would you have told me…? […] She laid out her own plans as well; her dreams of power. In many ways, I guess they were no better than yours. But at least, she didn’t bother to hide behind noble aims.

It was just a month after she had sacrificed and dismembered Jan Kilbride to stop The Buried!

* … Gertrude……………

(MAG154) ERIC: You know, you were never actually that nice to me when I worked for you, Gertrude. Not like Michael, or Emma. […] And that’s when you turn nasty, isn’t it? When all your… “resources”, they no longer want to serve their purpose. I suppose you didn’t know there was a way out, a way to… escape. But if you had, would you have told me…?

The exchange took place in July 2008 and we know that The Great Twisting didn’t happen before October 2009 (since Deborah Madaki received an invitation to Sannikov Land from Gabriel one week before she gave her statement in MAG126). Which means… that when MAG154 happened, Michael Shelley was still working in the Archives. Would still be for a bit over a year before Gertrude sacrificed him to stop The Spiral’s ritual. It’s not really surprising that Gertrude “there’s ten years yet before I can afford a conscience” Robinson 1°) didn’t share with Michael that she had received a trace of Eric (Michael-The-Distortion did tell Jon that Michael Shelley had been kept ignorant of the spookiness), although they were on good terms, 2°) still ruthlessly sacrificed Michael to stop The Great Twisting despite Eric’s harsh words about her behaviour and motivations, about how they hurt people around her, about how there was absolutely nothing “noble” to them, 3°) didn’t share with Michael that there was a way out of the Archives and acted just like Eric predicted. Indeed, Gertrude learned about it… and didn’t share that knowledge with those who could have benefited from it. Didn’t give them a choice, whether to stay or to leave.

(And, from the depiction of Michael Shelley in MAG101? I am not even sure that he would have chosen to leave.)

- INCREDIBLY, Eric Actually Had The Qualifications for the job:

(MAG154) ERIC: So when I finished my Master’s in Library Science and saw a vacancy at the Magnus Institute, of all places, I jumped at the chance. The chance to pursue my passion and my career at the same time seemed like too good an opportunity to pass up! It was only an “assistant archivist” position, of course, but that was fine. A good entry position, I’d, “I’d soon move on,” I told myself. [HUFF] Yeah… And for the first few years, it was pretty much exactly the job I expected. Longer hours than I hoped, and the Archivist seemed less interested in doing her job than I was; but all told, there were worse places to work.

James Wright’s time… another era. Present-time, Elias hired Jon who doesn’t have any library-science-related diploma (MAG093), and Martin who lied on his CV (MAG056); Sasha, who was more on the computer side of things; Tim, who… actually had a background in a publishing company, so was probably more in his element than the others. Of course Tim and Eric had to die: they were actually competent.

- I like how you could clearly identify Mary as Beholding/End through Eric’s eyes:

(MAG154) ERIC: Then I met Mary. She was like no one I’d ever met before in my life. She was beautiful. Like a… u–uh, like a shark is beautiful. Every movement she made was deliberate, sharp, and her eyes were always focused on something, always watching. And when she looked at me, I always felt afraid. But there was something else. Something under the fear. Something that made me feel very aware of all – my – blood. […] And Mary pushed so hard. Harder, even, than you. But I let her, because… she gave me something I had never before experienced: danger! The things she taught me, had me do… I’d never known anything like it. Whenever I kissed her, it tasted like blood.

That charisma, and also DD: Eric no…

(It’s weird because, first depiction of Mary we got (MAG004), she was already dead and a ghost. First time we heard her: she was already an old woman (MAG062), and quite horrible. Eric’s statement was… hilarious/tragic/sad in the fact that it was partially about how and why he had tried to escape the Archives, and a lot about how he was absolutely taken in (and over) by Mary… but also explained how she was getting her ways. What is it with old women in TMA being dangerous and murderous and domineering and kinda hot? Mary was born around 1946 (MAG062: “I was 9 years old at the time, so it would have been… 1955?”), Gertrude presumably during the late 40s/early 50s (MAG137: “The Risen War failed [in 1942] a few years before I was even born.” + MAG145: “Can’t have been older than… twenty-five.” when she retrieved some of Agnes’s hair in the ashes at Hill Top Road, and the house had burned in 1974 according to MAG008), Agnes was born in the early 60s if she was truly eleven in Ronald’s statement… those were fine years, uh.)

- I have a bit of trouble understanding the status of Eric’s sight, as a ghost/~memory~:

(MAG154) ERIC: I suppose…! Mary used to get me out to bounce ideas off of; talk through her thoughts and theories. Never listened to me, obviously, but… nothing new there. GERTRUDE: Well, it’s… good to see you, I suppose. ERIC: You too. … You got old. GERTRUDE: Better than being dead. ERIC: [HUFF] Fair enough. To be honest, I’m impressed, more than anything. Hard to get old in this business; you either die or you, er… “stay young”. [PAUSE] … How did Mary look? GERTRUDE: [CHUCKLE] She got old, too.

Gertrude didn’t notice that he couldn’t see, and Eric specifically mentioned that Mary had made him “watch” his own dismemberment. The way she initially checked if it was indeed Eric was similar to Jon’s reaction when invoking Gerry in MAG111, so it might be that the people invoked do not have… well-defined or identifiable shape outside of their voices; but then, Mary had been able to recognise ghosts on sight when she was a child observing the doctor (MAG062). And here: on the one hand, Eric noticed Gertrude being old; on the other hand, he asked about Mary (although… it was implied that she hadn’t spoken to him in a while – “used to get me out”). Or is it because Eric doesn’t have any senses left, only… overall perceptions of the world around him, so he was able to see Gertrude because he wasn’t a body anymore…? Or just guessed from her voice that she “sounded” older, therefore had grown old…?

- Crying a bit though, because Eric… was aware of Mary’s doings. Was disillusioned about the fact that no, she had never cared about him. But still had the instinct to:

(MAG154) ERIC: So. Was there anything else? GERTRUDE: No. No, I, I don’t think so. ERIC: Then, if you don’t mind? I think I’d like to go away, now. […] If you see Mary again, tell her– … No. [HUFF] I guess there’s not really anything else to say. [CLICK.]

Eric… (Also YIPS that he was… very fond of Gerry, described Gerry as his main motivation (ANCHOR?) to leave the Archives – not Mary (though that could be a small retconning on his part) – and still… had thought that it was an acceptable idea to have a child with Mary despite knowing full well that she was a serial killer and dangerous. “I chose the option I thought might keep Gerry safe. At least, if I was home with him, I could perhaps… soften the edges of his mother.” Eric, my librarian-with-a-degree, my dude: Gerry didn’t come out of nowhere or only from Mary, the fact that you were aware of who she was and still accepted to bring a child into this mess… ;;) (But then: he was absolutely taken with Mary, uh…)

- ;; What Eric said about Gertrude, mentioning what Mary wasn’t doing to him…

(MAG154) ERIC: She never betrayed me. Not like you. She never played dumb when I was stalked by bloated, blood-sucking things, or told me I was “imagining it” when I saw your friend Adelard drop a screaming box into the Thames. She didn’t try to keep me in the dark just so I wouldn’t stop being useful. She never made me complicit in a thousand nightmares, and lives ruined for the sick joy of some otherworldly voyeur. […] Mary, at least, played straight with me. She knew all about the Institute. And when we were married, when she was sure I could handle it, she laid it all out for me: the Powers, the rituals, all the messy little cogs of the games you play with the universe. She laid out her own plans as well; her dreams of power. In many ways, I guess they were no better than yours. But at least, she didn’t bother to hide behind noble aims. … Maybe that’s why I chose her, in The End. At least she was honest.

… was absolutely a reflection of what Gerry said Mary had done to him:

(MAG111) GERRY: Eventually, I grew old enough and wise enough to see her obsession for what it really was: hubris. She lived her life just carefully enough not to be destroyed by things she studied, but that was it. The things out there weren’t like taming fire, they couldn’t be contained or used for light or warmth. The best you could hope for from them, would be that they don’t spot you, and instead my mum chased after them, obsessed with others who had tried to stare at them without being blinded: y’know, Flamsteed, Smirke, Leitner. Idiots who destroyed themselves chasing a secret that wasn’t worth knowing. And the worst thing was, she marked me as a part of that, without my understanding. Or consent.

So ;; Biased much, Eric, and he still wasn’t able to realise how toxic this relationship was, uh…

(Gerry’s “secret that wasn’t worth knowing” was AOUCH, too, given how… Eric explained how “I always loved ghosts. They fascinated me. Not the rattling chains and horror part of it, of course, but the mystery. The promise of secret knowledge – of seeing something that no one else was privy to. A secret world. It… gripped my imagination.”)

- We’ve known for a while that Gertrude used to have three assistants:

(MAG080) LEITNER: I think she was lonely. I didn’t meet her until about six years ago, after she’d lost the last of her own assistants. She would mention them sometimes. I believe she missed having someone to talk to on occasion. ARCHIVIST: I… I didn’t know Gertrude had assistants. LEITNER: Of course. Three of them, each meeting an unpleasant end.

And we finally have the name of the last one: Emma.

(MAG154) ERIC: You know, you were never actually that nice to me when I worked for you, Gertrude. Not like Michael, or Emma.

And there was a time during which they had all worked together… Eric highlighted that it was rare to get old in this business but, surprisingly, Michael Shelley lasted around fifteen years (or more) as Gertrude’s assistant? And still had no clue what was happening? Given how people who came close to Gertrude… didn’t have a lot of positive things to say about it:

(MAG099) ARCHIVIST: Everyone who came close to her… seems like it… it went badly. Her assistants, Gerard, Leitner, Elias, though I don’t think Gertrude had anything to do with his going rotten.

(MAG101) MICHAEL: Even being what I am, I have rarely seen anyone so adept at distorting the truth as Gertrude Robinson. Michael was protective of the frail old woman he believed her to be. So… so delicate, so forgetful, yet gently wise. He cared for her. He trusted her. And she fed him to me. She made him me to destroy our transcendence. And she did not hesitate. […] Gertrude had made sure that all her assistants were ready. That none of them would be suspicious if they were told they were going abroad for work.

(MAG154) ERIC: But I couldn’t be a part of it. Not when I saw what happened to everyone else you involved. I had to get out, to escape this place.

So what happened to Emma…? I feel like likely there has been a trend of Jon reacting to current events&preoccupations as lead-up for his hunting down a statement about it (MAG152, he discussed Jane Prentiss with Helen / MAG153, he read a Corruption statement), so he could try to learn more about “Emma”… I’m pretty sure we had never heard her name before; who is she?

On the one hand, I felt like Eric isolated “Emma” a bit when mentioning her, as if… she was already gone when he left (before 1996). On the other hand, he would have accused Gertrude of her death if Emma had been killed or fed to Spooks when he was still around. So, what happened to her…?

(Three assistants: one sacrificed to stop a ritual (Michael), one escaping for love (Eric, for his son), and one… forgotten? It’s not a clear-cut reproduction with Jon’s era, though we get the 2 men and 1 women dying one after the other: Tim indeed died stopping a ritual too, but you could also say that he died for love (in Danny’s name)… and Martin, like Michael, is heading towards another power. But still. Sasha didn’t have the time to get bitter about Jon; Tim got accusatory, Martin sounds harsher too… just like Michael and Eric, absolutely disillusioned about Gertrude.)

- Alrighty, so, this is only the second time ever we’re hearing about Elias’s predecessor and it came with a few details putting some things into perspective / confirming some theories, and reinforcing some others. The only mention of “James Wright” so far had been in MAG049:

(MAG049) ARCHIVIST: Supplemental. Elias Bouchard is a difficult man to pin down, certainly since he became head of the Institute in 1996, taking over from James Wright, who ran the place from ‘73 until he passed away. It was a remarkably fast climb to the top, as from what I can find, it looks like he only joined the Institute five years before, in 1991, working in the Artefact Storage. Perhaps he was simply that impressive. Certainly, the Elias I know now is almost unmatched in terms of paranormal knowledge. Well. Theoretical knowledge, at least. And yet, everything I found out about his life before the Institute seems… an ill fit with the austere man I know. He apparently graduated with a Third from Christ Church’s College in PPE, and I found an old gossip column in the student newspaper that – sure well – that mentioned him. If I’m not reading too much into it, the implication seems to be that he was… something of a… pothead. [CHUCKLE] Was he… like that when he first came to work here…?

(MAG154) ERIC: Wright would have preferred you not to know…! How is he, by the way? GERTRUDE: James? He died about… twelve years ago. Elias is Head of the Institute, now. ERIC: “Elias”? Elias Bouchard, seriously? GERTRUDE: Hm, he has changed a lot. ERIC: Must have! […] GERTRUDE: So. How did you do it? How did you quit the Archives? ERIC: It was actually really simple. Not easy, but simple. [SCOFF] You’ll kick yourself when I tell you. GERTRUDE: Okay… ERIC: You were almost there, you know, with your theory that James could watch us through any eye, even an illustration. So what did you do? How did you sever that link? GERTRUDE: … My… God! ERIC: I left to avoid dragging my family, my son into this life; to try and look after him. But Mary decided that a newly blinded husband was… simply too much of a burden.

So, confirmations:

* James Wright was Spooky, too, and identified as such by Gertrude – Eric was in the confidence, too.

* This is indeed why Gertrude had been scratching eyes out of her possessions:

(MAG054) [CLICK–] ARCHIVIST: Supplemental. I broke into Gertrude’s flat. […] Oh. And… I looked through a handful of books on her shelf. They were very well taken care of – with the exception that… any time a person’s face was featured on the cover, their eyes had been cut out, and very carefully removed. End supplement.

(MAG113) ARCHIVIST: Found anything yet? MARTIN: Er… er… Bunch of… eyeless paintings? MELANIE: [JOVIALLY] Snap! Eyeless dolls. Oh, and. Just a lot of shredded newspapers.

Though, it’s not absolutely confirmed that James Wright operated this way (it was Gertrude’s hypothesis), and it doesn’t necessary mean that Elias is also spying on people this way… but it could be how. Elias did admit, twice, that Gertrude had successfully managed to escape his surveillance:

(MAG080) LEITNER: How did you know I was here? ELIAS: I didn’t. You’re very well hidden. But Jon is not, and he failed to take the same precautions I’m sure you took for granted with Gertrude. I knew he was talking to someone.

(MAG102) ARCHIVIST: And you can’t just… See where she put it. ELIAS: She was… She got very good at hiding things from me. ARCHIVIST: How embarrassing for you.

If Elias can see through eyes, whether they’re illustrations/more or less eye-shaped things/actual eyes: AHAHAHA good luck with that, Team Archives. We know from Patreon content that the Institute’s official files and statement bear the Institute’s crest, the owl. Meaning there are eyes everywhere in the Archives.

(You bet that Elias might have ordered mass-produced stationery just to put the logo everywhere. Pens. Papers. Notes. Paperweights. Handkerchiefs. The mug you’re (not) drinking your tea from.)

* Archival Assistants being bound to the Archives is something that predates Elias’s position as Head of the Institute – this is our first confirmation of that fact. And both Gertrude and Michael (since Eric knew him from his Archives days, pre-Elias) survived James Wright’s death. Even though Elias had said that killing the Head of the Institute would mean insta-death for the entire Archival staff. So. It’s possible that there are actually two separate things at work (being bound to the Eye and not being able to quit / being bound to Elias “like fingers on a hand” and dying if he dies), but in any case: either Elias lied on the kill-me-and-it-kills-you bit… either something happened during the transition from James Wright to Elias Bouchard, that allowed a “continuity” that did not kill the Team Archives of the time. Consensual ritual? Body-hopping? Elias backstabbing James and taking his mantle?

* Eric’s tone (disbelief and cracking up) when he learned that “Elias Bouchard” had taken James Wright’s succession Said It All – yeah, Elias was a Known Pothead in his early days at the Institute too, uh. And as Gertrude put it, he “has changed a lot”. Was it a ~natural~ change because people just… tend to change fast at the Institute when they get involved with its spooky parts (people were assuming that Tim was having a breakdown in season 3 and, indeed, if you had known him from his pre-Archives day… he seemed nothing alike. Martin’s and Daisy’s changes compared to their first appearances are also quite jarring) or… something else.

I’m still not on board with the Elias=Jonah theory, because I still feel like… Elias is too dumb… (and restricted: he did lament on his current abilities in MAG102). (And also: because I lovelove the idea that Our Current Elias indeed has that past of being a spoiled rich kid who got his family to buy him a place in uni, and then did nothing except smoke weed, and ended up drifting to the Institute without realising what he was signing up for.)  But I do admit that mm, a LOT of things are piling up giving the idea that something, most likely Jonah, has been body-hopping from one Head of the Institute to another:

(MAG096) DAISY: El–Elias didn’t say. ARCHIVIST: No, he doesn’t, uh… He’s not big on micromanagement. SARAH: It’s Elias now, then? ARCHIVIST: [WHISPERING] What?

(MAG101) NIKOLA: Is it… your Elias who listens? Helloooooo! […] So, Elias, can I call you Elias?, let me set the scene, as I know you can’t actually see this. […] You know Elias, can I call you Elias?, you have not raised this one very well! […] Oh, no, I’m afraid he can’t See, can you Elias?, can I call you Elias? – what’s the point of having a secret place of power if you can’t hide it from a big stupid eye?

(MAG135, Manuela Dominguez) “When you read this, I would consider it a great favour if you could share my words with the Head of your Institute. Tell him that Maxwell Rayner sends his regards and offers… sanctuary. A time of holy Darkness is at hand, when The Eye will close forever, and in the spirit of the friendship they once shared, he offers an opportunity – to surrender.”

(MAG148) BASIRA: What? ARCHIVIST: … I–I don’t know, I mean… We still don’t really know… what Elias actually is…? I thought… Maybe if he was more like me than we realised… BASIRA: He might have some advice? ARCHIVIST: Stupid, I know.

… But as long as it’s not confirmed, I can continue to think about how pretty damn funny it would be for every spook around to be assuming that Elias is actually “Jonah”… when he isn’t. (And maybe it had been the case until Wright, but then, Elias put an end to that.) Elias=Jonah is not the only option anyway – it could be a matter of memory-sharing rather than body-hopping, etc.

(I’m still HYSTERICAl over the fact that back in season 2, Jon’s main theory re: Why Elias Might Be Gertrude’s Murderer was:

(MAG049) ARCHIVIST: The difficulty comes from the fact that the only person in the Institute who worked here before he took over… was Gertrude. Did he… kill her because she knew something about his past? And if so… how can I prove it…?

… because she might have known about his past as a pothead. JON.) (It’s a bit surprising, though, that… past staff didn’t report to the new ones about how ahaha, the current Head used to be Like That when he had begun to work here? It’s indeed like Gertrude was the only link between the old era and another one, when Jon (and Martin? He had worked at the Institute since at least 2009) joined…)

- It had been mentioned in the… season 3 Q&A, I think?, that the tapes were “not neutral”, and we’re still exploring various aspects of this: the tape recorders choosing which scenes we (as listeners) are allowed to hear since they’ve begun to be (officially) autonomous in season 3; the fact that they didn’t bother recording the stories Jon violently tore out from people in season 4, except for Floyd (as Jon put it in MAG147: “I–I mean, I don’t record anything anymore, not… not really, I just… sort of assume they’ll… turn on, if it’s important.”). We had already had cases of Jon listened to some tapes without other options to choose from: he was given whichever Basira was able to sneak out for him back in season 2 (and even back then: was the “pick” absolutely random, or orientated?); Elias had sent him MAG087’s (with the clear purpose of sending him in Jude’s direction or, as Jon inferred in MAG102, because Elias had no idea what the heck he was doing?); The Web sent him MAG130’s cobwebs-wrapped… But now, it’s also official that Jon was actually influenced in his choice when he did have multiple options to pick from, including when it came to the tapes he would ~naturally~ avoid.

(MAG154) ARCHIVIST: I’ve found a– [SIGH] I went back to Eli– er, Peter’s office. To that box of tapes; started rifling through. And I started to try and pay attention to the ones I… wasn’t drawn to. The tapes I instinctively wanted to discard. [SIGH] There was one, this one, that my hand… pulled back from. I–I dropped it, twice, when I went to pick it up. Even now, I’m… [AUDIBLE FORCED SMILE] struggling to press play…! I am the avatar of Awful Knowledge And Revealed Secrets… so what does it not want me to know…?

………………… Given how The Web sent him one a few months before, how Annabelle has admitted that she is “watching” and sometimes nudging him, how Jon can’t concentrate on his own lighter, I’m not sure that this is Beholding (or only Beholding) trying to lower his interests over certain files or tapes, though.

A few considerations about the tapes for themselves:

* I’m still not sure which tapes Jon has listened to, amongst the ones recorded when he was absent or comatose, notably MAG108, MAG118, MAG120 and MAG121. Does Jon know that Elias knows about the dreams and was… satisfied by them? It still doesn’t feel like he has heard MAG118’s – or, at least, he probably hasn’t heard about Martin’s mother (I’m not sure he would have acted the way he did in MAG129 if he had known what their relationship was like); there was also this bit in MAG126 which sounded like Jon indeed hadn’t heard anything post-MAG117:

(MAG126) ARCHIVIST: [DRY EXALE] There was a tape recorder waiting for me when I sat down. They’re not even hiding it anymore. There weren’t any tapes from when I was… away – I checked. Whatever they are, they are here for me.

… But even at the start of season 4, I’m not sure that he had heard MAG108’s since:

(MAG122) ARCHIVIST: … Oh. Wow. O… kay, er… Great, s–so… what’s the problem? BASIRA: He appointed an “interim” director. Guy named Peter Lukas. ARCHIVIST: … Oh. BASIRA: Yeah. ARCHIVIST: Read about him. [LIGHT CHUCKLE] BASIRA: Yeah, I’ve… hunted down some of his old statements and… yeah.

“Read about him”, not “heard him”. Does Peter even record on the tapes…? Or did the tapes featuring him just not make their way to Jon? Jon has since accessed Martin’s secret stash (MAG152) but did it include MAG134’s and MAG144’s (the tapes where Peter and Martin discussed The Extinction together)?

* Eternal question of who is listening to the tapes / through the tape recorders: I Still Have That Tape Recorders Post To Go Back To/Finish One Day (… I began season 4 with it, gdi, it’s just. getting longer and longer.), but one aspect that I still find strange is the… framing of Gertrude’s tapes.

We have had cases of clear cross-recordings, with Jon’s tape recorder still on while he’s listening to the glimpses of another ones: the bit of Daisy’s statement from MAG061 when he was readying himself to open the coffin (MAG132), MAG001!Jon’s introducing his first statement while Jon and the others were exploring the house at Hill Top Road and discovered what Annabelle had left for them (MAG147). But when it comes to Gertrude’s tape, it’s not the same framing, and we got another demonstration:

(MAG154) [CLICK–] ARCHIVIST: […] Even now, I’m… [AUDIBLE FORCED SMILE] struggling to press play…! I am the avatar of Awful Knowledge And Revealed Secrets… so what does it not want me to know…? [LONG SIGH] [CLICK.]

[CLICK–] GERTRUDE: [LONG SIGH] Right. No use putting it off further. […] ERIC: If you see Mary again, tell her– … No. [HUFF] I guess there’s not really anything else to say. [CLICK.]

[CLICK–] [SILENCE] ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] [SOFTLY BUT WITH FEELING] … Fuck. [CLICK.]

There are these double clicks: we’re not listening to Jon listening to Gertrude’s tape, we’re switching to Gertrude’s tapes. It’s possible that Jon is loading her tapes in his own tape recorder, but then, that was clearly not what Jon was implying there (it would have been an action a bit more complex than simply “struggling to press play”) and it also wasn’t how he had listened to Gertrude’s tape with Georgie:

(MAG087) GEORGIE: Look, I’m really not sure about this. ARCHIVIST: I just need to borrow it for a half hour or so. I, I’ll look after it. GEORGIE: Wha– No, I don’t– You can blow it up for all I care. It’s been in the loft for, like, twenty years. If I need tape hiss, I’ll add it in post. ARCHIVIST: So, what’s the problem? GEORGIE: With playing an unmarked tape from your stalker? […] Look I’ve, I’ve got work to do. You listen, or don’t listen, or cross-record, or whatever you want, just… just think about it first, okay? You can choose to leave it alone. [DEPARTING FOOTSTEPS] [DOOR CLOSES] ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] [TAPE PLAYER IS LOADED] [CLICK.]

[CLICK–]

It’s not a cross-recording of “Jon listening to Gertrude’s time”. Every time, there is silence between the two [CLICK] – no “spooling” sound, no hissing anymore. I do understand why it would work like this as a meta-choice from the editors (it’s clearer this way and we’re put in Jon’s situation while he discovered the information, rather than… risking to have the information butchered by Jon’s reactions if he wouldn’t be able to stay quiet) but I really don’t think that it’s a choice without meaning in the story itself: every time there is a so-called “cross-recording”, we’re actually switching from Jon’s tape recorder, recording him, to… something else (just listening to Gertrude’s tape? Being back in Gertrude’s time?).

At the end of season 3, Max Mustermann mentioned that something was “listening in” (and that he “[did]n’t like it”), which could be something different than our point of view as listener: there could be something listening in in their present and something/someone else listening to the tapes days/months/years after the recording happened. If it’s the latter: we have to consider that this “someone” not only accessed Jon’s tapes, but also Gertrude’s, and was able to reorganise them chronologically following Jon’s footsteps. If it’s the former: that “something” is able to switch from one tape recorder to the other (as it did, too, in MAG039, MAG079 and MAG118), whether it’s to listen to pre-existing tapes or to witness the recordings of current events. Whether it’s a conscious will or acting more on instinct (being able to feel when spooks or spooky events or just Episodes Of That Little Soap Opera You Call An Archives are coming up), it’s not passive either: it makes discrete choices when it comes to turning on and off during every episode, it doesn’t let other characters decide what should be cut off (Tim&Daisy turning it off in MAG082 before it clicked back on; Elias inviting Martin to cut the recording before it clicked back on, “Mm! Sorry. Looks like it wants to know what’s going on.” in MAG118). So what is it…?

(Jon said in MAG114 that he didn’t think it was Beholding; MAG118 hinted that it wasn’t Elias either since he wasn’t controlling it… I’m still taken with the idea that it’s The Web, but I agree that The Web using the recorders and the tapes as mundane items (delivering them) doesn’t mean that She’s spookily controlling them. Who/what else, then? One aspect of Extinction? Someone stuck within them à la Sergey Ushanka – Gertrude, Sasha, Jonah Magnus, “Emma”…?)

* Interestingly, Eric wasn’t surprised at all that Gertrude was using a tape recorder:

(MAG154) GERTRUDE: Hm! And, the second thing? ERIC: I want to make my statement. GERTRUDE: Is that really necessary? ERIC: I don’t want to disappear on her terms. Or yours! I want to speak my piece, have it recorded. GERTRUDE: Mm, fine. Tape’s running…! Subject is Eric Delano, recorded 21st of July, 2008, regarding… ERIC: Mm, what else! “Me, Mary, and the Archives.”

Eric had left the Institute before 1996 (since Elias became the Head that year, and Eric hadn’t witnessed it), which is also the year of, as of now, the oldest of Gertrude’s recordings that we have: MAG077, recorded on November 4th, 1996, labelled “Changeling / Imposter” (Lucy Cooper’s statement about the Not!Them taking her mother’s place). Since that statement explicitly mentioned that tapes weren’t rewritten by the Not!Them bending reality, I was thinking that Gertrude had potentially begun to record some statements with information that she deemed more valuable because she knew the Not!Them was roaming wild, but that was one amongst… many hypotheses. We still don’t know why Gertrude began to record statements and what motivated her recordings on a case-to-case basis; Jon himself wondered about it as soon as in season 2, and still hadn’t put out a guess into words in season 3 (although it was still on his mind, as revealed by his questioning Gerry about Gertrude’s tape habits).

On the one hand, of course Eric wouldn’t be surprised by a tape recorder: he died in the 90s, they were still widespread. On the other hand, Gertrude might have been using them back when he was still around, and that’s strengthening the hope that there is a recording of stoner/pre-Head Elias with Gertrude somewhere /o/

- It’s… extremely interesting how Eric’s portrayal of Gertrude gave the impression that she was much, muuuuuch more Beholding-aligned than we were previously made to think:

(MAG154) ERIC: She didn’t try to keep me in the dark just so I wouldn’t stop being useful. She never made me complicit in a thousand nightmares, and lives ruined for the sick joy of some otherworldly voyeur. […] I know what you say, what you think you’re doing – saving the world one poor doomed soul at a time. I mean, I understand; I do! … But I couldn’t be a part of it. Not when I saw what happened to everyone else you involved. I had to get out, to escape this place. […] Mary, at least, played straight with me. She knew all about the Institute. And when we were married, when she was sure I could handle it, she laid it all out for me: the Powers, the rituals, all the messy little cogs of the games you play with the universe. She laid out her own plans as well; her dreams of power. In many ways, I guess they were no better than yours. But at least, she didn’t bother to hide behind noble aims. … Maybe that’s why I chose her, in The End. At least she was honest. […] GERTRUDE: Did you need to do anything special? Any… ritual, or… [SIGH] ERIC: Just as long as they’re useless. I went the extra mile, destroyed them completely, but… I’m sure you’ll find something… “neater”. A strong acid, precisely applied? That sounds more your style. If you decide to do it, that is. GERTRUDE: Nn, I, I–I don’t know… ERIC: No… It’s not an easy sacrifice to make, is it? GERTRUDE: I still have work to do. ERIC: Don’t you always. GERTRUDE: Yeah… Anyway. I think I’ll probably do some research of my own before the rather extreme step of… blinding myself.

She sounded so… vehemently opposed? at the idea of blinding herself – immediately exposing it as something she wouldn’t do, perceiving it as a non-option and vaguely trying to justify herself. And there is Eric’s mention of “a thousand nightmares” which seems to imply that Gertrude… was taking live-statements pretty often, or used to?! (It was… a bit weird, indeed, how she had behaved with Lucia, presenting the “dreams” as a fatality when she could have chosen to have Lucia write her story down, and I am still wondering why she needed a recording of that one in the first place).

Jon had pointed out his surprise that Gertrude hadn’t recorded MAG102’s – was it because she was with Gerry and he had prevented her from taking it live, or because she didn’t want to show him her ugly side…? Was it because… she was like Jon, and trying to justify to herself that she “needed” the stories live when in truth the whole point was for her to feed on people’s trauma, to feel good…?

And GUUUUH, the contrast between Gertrude’s instinctive reluctance at the idea of gouging her eyes out, vs. Jon who… seemed to jump on the idea:

(MAG154) ARCHIVIST: … Because… uh, because I–I trust you, I– I’m trying to think about what to do, and I… Well… if I did try this, I… I don’t want to do it alone. MARTIN: [EXHALE] ARCHIVIST: But we could leave here. You and me; escape. […] MARTIN: No, I mean… [DRY CHUCKLING] Could–could you even survive at this stage? Is there anything else keeping you alive? ARCHIVIST: Uh, I–I don’t know. I don’t… “Know”. But… [EXHALE] Maybe it’s worth it? The risk, y–you and me, together, getting out of here… MARTIN: [SNIFF] ARCHIVIST: … one way or another… […] MARTIN: I just… Look, I need to see this thing through with Peter to the end. If–if what he’s saying is even half true, I need to be there. ARCHIVIST: But what if you don’t? I mean…! We could just leave. I mean, whatever… their plan is for me, I am damn sure that doing that isn’t it. I could derail everything– MARTIN: [NERVOUS CHUCKLING] ARCHIVIST: –We could derail everything, and then just… leave…!

Martin might have had a few points re:the fact Jon might not actually want to do it… but still. Gertrude immediately gave reasons not to do it. Jon presented it as a way out.

- … Jon surprised me (positively) and holy heck, it had been a while. From:

(MAG137) [CLICK–] ARCHIVIST: [HEAVY SIGH] So. Funny story. Turns out when Daisy broke the lock to get into Elias’s old office, well, she did a good enough job that it’s not… obviously broken. So it hasn’t been replaced yet. So I had a look around. [SIGH] M–mostly as I remember, but… There’s a box of tapes and statements in the corner. Obviously those Elias either didn’t feel he could trust me with yet, or maybe just the ones he was checking himself. Ideally, I’d like to avoid… tipping Peter off for as long as possible that I have access. And it turns out I don’t… Know… Elias’s safe combination. Not yet, anyway. So I just took the first one that called to me, and it’s… [DRY NASAL EXHALE] It’s good. I suppose. Glad to know I don’t need to worry about a Slaughter ritual; nice to get… confirmation that whoever… Eric was, he was Gerry’s father and… well, one assumes Mary Keay’s partner.

To:

(MAG154) [CLICK–] ARCHIVIST: [INHALE] Hm. [SIGH] I’ve, uh… I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, after what happened with Daisy last week. About… what I can do. What I am. What feels… right. I’ve found a– [SIGH] I went back to Eli– er, Peter’s office. To that box of tapes; started rifling through. And I started to try and pay attention to the ones I… wasn’t drawn to. The tapes I instinctively wanted to discard. [SIGH] There was one, this one, that my hand… pulled back from. I–I dropped it, twice, when I went to pick it up. Even now, I’m… [AUDIBLE FORCED SMILE] struggling to press play…! I am the avatar of Awful Knowledge And Revealed Secrets… so what does it not want me to know…?

And both times, it was about one of Gertrude’s tapes, mentioning Eric and Gerry (and even Adelard in passing!), from the same stash. But what contrast, from Jon relying on his spooky powers to guide him in a direction, to Jon purposefully aiming for his own kind of silence (MAG153, “Don’t listen to the blood.” “Listen to the quiet”)…!

At this point, I was losing hope of seeing him get proactive in order to try and counter The Eye’s influence. It sounds like listening to Melanie (MAG150) and to Daisy (MAG153) inspired him a bit? And Helen-the-Distortion too, in a way, as a counterexample: she was encouraging him to “embrac[e] it” (MAG146), explained how Helen “chose to stop feeling guilty” (MAG154) and made fun of Jon for his ���brooding”… The others made sure that he wouldn’t attack any more people since they learned about it in MAG146 and, now, Jon is taking little steps to go against his influences (or at least try to pinpoint when they could be at work and motivating some of his actions that are still guilt and regrets-inducing for him).

That’s good! Aaaand I have no idea if he’s at a risk of crumbling in a what’s-the-point way after what Martin told him! (It could lead to Jon… thinking about Martin’s words, and whether they hold a bit of truth re:his self-sacrificing tendencies, the fact that he indeed told Daisy that it could be Right if he were to die and indeed agreed to do dangerous things and things which could kill him… but probably doesn’t want to die indeed. Or Jon will go back to “moping around” and Daisy will try to get him drunk again.)

(Six episodes left, last of the season is usually the “debriefing” after the action, 158 and 159 will probably be the action itself… What can Jon actually do in the three episodes before that? Martin is Going To Do Something, but Jon…? It feels like if he gets involved, it would be either because he goes after Martin out of worry, either because something is inflicted on him (4th kidnapping? Julia&Trevor are back, Peter could still have a dirty trick up his sleeve, etc.) It’s strange, because Jon has never felt more disconnected from a season finale despite still being the voice we hear the most…?)

- I am also RELIEVED that Jon still has in mind that… Elias and Peter probably aren’t neutral and just hoping that The Extinction gets stopped uwu:

(MAG125) ARCHIVIST: But honestly, it’s the internal threats I’m worried about. Peter Lukas is just… sitting up there, doing whatever the hell it is he [STATIC BEGINS AND RISES] and Elias have planned, and Melanie still has that bullet pumping violence into her, waiting to turn this place into another Lanncraig.

(MAG154) MARTIN: I just… Look, I need to see this thing through with Peter to the end. If–if what he’s saying is even half true, I need to be there. ARCHIVIST: But what if you don’t? I mean…! We could just leave. I mean, whatever… their plan is for me, I am damn sure that doing that isn’t it. I could derail everything– MARTIN: [NERVOUS CHUCKLING] ARCHIVIST: –We could derail everything, and then just… leave…!

And that managed to make Jon’s plea even more heartbreaking?! Because he’s aware that Elias and Peter are still threats, are still probably expecting him to fit somewhere in their personal plans – there might not be any big conspiracies, but Elias has demonstrated that he could deceive, lie, manipulate, push in specific directions. But meanwhile, Martin has been told about the “big picture”, has been led to think about broader concerns, has already sacrificed around 9 months of his life after selling himself to protect the others, so… of course he wouldn’t want to give up now. (But as Gertrude showed: there will always be other threats, other concerns that need to be taken care of.)

(Though, I’m. Extremely worried that Jon was able to access Eric’s tape, although he was naturally prone to ignore it. Melanie reported that Elias didn’t have a safe in MAG118; he had acquired one, according to Jon in MAG137. Why wasn’t Eric’s tape inside that safe? Why leave it accessible? Is it because Elias hadn’t even bothered to check them all himself, or had also been made to avoid that one specifically, or… is it because in one way or another, he was waiting for Jon to listen to that one, because it was part of a plan…?)

- I CAN’T BELIEVE that we got 1°) two “Fuck”s in an episode, 2°) JON saying “fuck”, 3°) MARTIN SAYING “FUCK”. Jon was already a big WOW moment, and then Martin… just had the same reaction. Beautiful. Especially given how we know how Hard To Get those are (=> they raise the rating on iTunes, hence theoretically less listeners, so no swearing is gratuitous)… it was a Very Precious Episode.

So many “fuck”s given this season, tho?!

(MAG131) ARCHIVIST: Oh, I… Melanie, I–I’m so sorry, I– MELANIE: Oooh, fuck off?!

(MAG148) BASIRA: You sent us to the North fucking Pole for no goddamn reason. ELIAS: A, a–hem… miscalculation.

(MAG154) [CLICK–] [SILENCE] ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] [SOFTLY BUT WITH FEELING] … Fuck. [CLICK.] […] ARCHIVIST: I know; I know what you said, but I just… I think I’ve found a way for us to leave the Institute. [SILENCE] MARTIN: … Okay…? ARCHIVIST: Yeah. But i–it’s… [INHALE] it’s pretty… drastic. MARTIN: What, [CHUCKLING] you gotta gouge your eyes out or something? [SILENCE] … Fuck off?! [SILENCE] … Right…! Uh–uh…

Tim would be so proud of his ducklings… Team Archives unites… And incredibly, DAISY still hasn’t said “fuck”. SOMEHOW.

+ Honorary mentions:

(MAG127) BASIRA: Can we cut the bullshit? ELIAS: What “bullshit” might that be?

(MAG131) ARCHIVIST: I’m… [SHAKY CHUCKLE] W–would you believe I’m… trying to save Daisy? MELANIE: With more bullshit surgery? […] It didn’t stay in my leg because of some Ghostly Masterplan; it stayed… because I wanted it. ARCHIVIST: … Shit. MELANIE: Yes.

(MAG135) BASIRA: [SLAMS HANDS ON THE TABLE] Cut the shit! What are you playing at? ELIAS: I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.

(MAG143) BASIRA: [SIGH] So, what, this was another waste of time? What, no Church, no Dark Sun? … I’m gonna kill that son of a bitch…!

(MAG145) ARTHUR: [CHUCKLE] Always respected you for that. Takes a strong stomach to not give a shit.

(MAG147) BASIRA: Something’s here. MELANIE: No shit! [DOOR OPENS] Look at this place…!

(MAG148) ELIAS: [SNIFF] Good evening, Detecti– [PUNCH] OW! [EXTENDED SOUNDS OF BRUTAL PUNCHING] BASIRA: Useless, scheming piece of shit! ELIAS: Detective, this is quite unnece–

(MAG154) ERIC: Sorry, I just… [SNORTING CHUCKLE] I don’t mean to be a dick, but…

This season is so vulgar <3 It was already suspicious that Jon had said his seasonal “shit” so early on (it had happened in MAG039 and MAG078 and (aborted) in MAG099), but I wasn’t seriously expecting him to join the “fuck” team.

- Okay, tl;dr I loved every bit of dialogue in this episode, it was glorious all over, I was “!!” all through it, so much good heartbreak and sadness and PINING, GODS, JON???, so I’ll only give Selected Commentaries:

(MAG154) ARCHIVIST: Sorry, I–I just– MARTIN: No, ’t’s fine, I ju– You just surprised me, that’s… Jesus, you alright? You… you look like hell. ARCHIVIST: Oh! Uh, right, I, em… ki–kind of weak. Hungry, I–I guess, sort of. I–I’ve been trying to a–avoid, being, hum… Sticking to old statements? Thank you, for your little “intervention”, by the way. MARTIN: Look, I wouldn’t have had to if you hadn’t– ARCHIVIST: Yes, no, I know, I’m sorry, uh– that didn’t… come out right. Honestly: thank you. [EXHALE] It’s been hell, but… I–I did need to hear it. MARTIN: Oh, hum… Uh, g–good. Heh. Are the others… helping? ARCHIVIST: Oh! [DRY CHUCKLE] They’ve been keeping a… very close eye on me…! But that’s not important – no, well, it is important, but it’s– it’s not why I’m here, I– MARTIN: Jon. Calm down. What do you want?

* I’m so, so glad that Jon… validated what Martin did, regarding Jess’s complaint? Especially given how Martin was afraid of his reaction back at the time (MAG142: “I should probably try to get him this tape, let him know what happened, that someone came in to… But then, ahah, would that just come across as an accusation? Like, because I don’t wanna… And then, then I guess he’d… hear this bit as well, so… I… I… [LONG EXHALE] What do I do…?”). Jon did awful things, was awful in the way he hid and didn’t handle it, and, at least at the moment, there is no further harm being done… although there have already been too many victims. At least, Martin prevented more harm.

(Also: confirmation that Martin indeed send the tape himself, and that it wasn’t Annabelle or Peter giving it to the assistants behind his back? I was still fearing this possibility, since Basira had mentioned that it had been left for them but that she hadn’t seen Martin himself. But given how Martin didn’t object and proudly owned up to his decision when Jon gave the impression of blaming him for it, it was indeed him all along ;w; It took him a few weeks but he had finally decided to send the tape on his own, aah…)

* The emphasis Jon put in that “keeping a… very close eye on me…!” with dry humour… JON… JON, YOU WERE SO SNAPPY ABOUT BASIRA AND DAISY MAKING EYE-THEMED JOKE, YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO INDULGE IN THEM:

(MAG143) BASIRA: [SIGH] Eyes peeled. [SILENCE] ARCHIVIST: … Was that a joke? BASIRA: Yeah.

(MAG147) DAISY: Perhaps they… bugged out. [FOOTSTEPS] ARCHIVIST: [WHISPER] … Was that a joke? BASIRA: Jon, focus.

Jon is going to judge you (and will do the things he’s reproaching you). He had been making Eye-related puns here and there for a while but with his tone here? It was absolutely deliberate and PFTT.

* I love that Martin’s perception of Jon is still that he… looks a mess.

(MAG142) MARTIN: O–okay, okay, hum… What… Would you mind telling me what happened? Uh, what they did? WOMAN: He. MARTIN: … Ah, uh, alright. Hum… Did he… [SIGH] … Did he look like he hadn’t slept in like– WOMAN: Mm–mm. MARTIN: –a week? WOMAN: Yep, uh… MARTIN: … Right…

(Though, Martin pointed out that Jon looked… not good, but I feel that the worst we heard of Jon was from 148 to 152? On the contrary, for the last two episodes, I felt that Jon was… softer again? Less sounding like someone who would be eaten out from the inside by their own hunger? Or he’s behaving like someone would when sleep-deprived: dry and cutting at first, and then all over the place and absolutely messy and jumpy. To me, he sounds better. So I’m amused that apparently, no, he Looks Terrible. Jonny is still trying to tell us that the Archivist is not hot, uh?)

- It’s… a strange feeling given how Peter has precisely been grooming him to become a Lonely avatar (well, dual one?) during season 4, but I had never realised how Beholding Martin was/sounded, before?

(MAG154) MARTIN: Em… like, like permanently? Or… ARCHIVIST: I–I–I don’t know, I–I mean, I suppose? I–i–if your vision comes back, the Beholding probably does as well…! P–probably. But it’s not like it’s easy to only… blind yourself temporarily anyway, uh, I… MARTIN: Y–y–yeah… yeah, uh… […] Could–could you even survive at this stage? Is there anything else keeping you alive? ARCHIVIST: Uh, I–I don’t know. I don’t… “Know”. But… [EXHALE] Maybe it’s worth it? The risk, y–you and me, together, getting out of here… MARTIN: [SNIFF] ARCHIVIST: … one way or another…

The way he immediately wondered about the specifics, the details, how things worked and asks out aloud, half-thinking half wanting to know more more more…? The funny thing is that Martin has always displayed that sort of broad thinking, taking myriads of parameters into account:

(MAG039) SASHA: I’m still not sure why you have this. Drinking in the archives? MARTIN: What? No, no, it’s for worms. ARCHIVIST: What? MARTIN: For pulling the worms out of people. Like now. SASHA: You, er… what? MARTIN: I used to carry around a knife, but I started thinking that, well, cutting into someone laterally wasn’t really the most efficient way to get them out, and besides which, they seem to be quite slow burrowing in a straight line so, given their size, th-the corkscrew just seemed to be the better option. [HEAVY SILENCE] Look, you guys got to go home every day, okay. I didn’t! I’ve been thinking for a long time about what to do when… well, y’know, this happens.

(MAG110) MARTIN: –but that doesn’t make sense, can he even do that? BASIRA: I don’t know, I guess so. MARTIN: It’s so– What, he can just reach into your head, and put something in there? BASIRA: [SIGH] I don’t know. I guess so. MARTIN: I mean… does it even have to be a truth, do we, do we know for sure he’s not lying, like, like magically lying? BASIRA: I don’t. know. MARTIN: R–right, right. Sorry. I just… It’s a lot to take in, you know.

And the fact that Jon was the one who had to admit that ~he didn’t know~ in return…

- The fact that the assistants were trapped in the Archives had popped up as soon as season 1 (although… back then, we (and they) hadn’t realised how literal it was):

(MAG026) SASHA: I should really quit, you know. We, we all should. I don’t think this a normal job. I, I don’t think this is a safe job. ARCHIVIST: You’re probably right. Do you want to quit? SASHA: No. I’m just… I’m just too damned curious, I suppose. You? ARCHIVIST: No. Whatever’s going on, I need to know. Get some rest. [CLICK]

(MAG065) ARCHIVIST: Then quit! If you hate it so much, leave your post in the Archives. Permanently. TIM: You’re firing me? ARCHIVIST: … I’m offering you a chance to quit. No notice period, I’ll even make sure you get the rest of the month’s paycheck. [PAUSE] Just say the words. [STATIC RISES] TIM: I want to. ARCHIVIST: So do it. TIM: I… … can’t. ARCHIVIST: [SOFTLY] Why not…? TIM: I… I… I–I can’t! I don’t know… Why can’t I quit?! ARCHIVIST: I–I don’t know. But I don’t think I can fire you either. TIM: What? ARCHIVIST: It’s this place.

(MAG079) TIM: There is something in this place, and it’s messing up our heads. It watches us all the time. It stops me quitting. I’m pretty sure it would stop Elias firing Jon even if he decided to actually try running this place for once. MARTIN: You’re sure you don’t just want to stay? TIM: I’m. sure. MARTIN: But, like, deep down– TIM: No. MARTIN: … Oh.

(MAG092) ELIAS: Ah, of course. Er, sometimes I forget how new you all are to this. Basira is now tied to the Institute. All of you are. Like fingers on a hand. And I am the beating heart of it. Should I, or the Institute, be destroyed, you will all, unfortunately, follow suit. MELANIE: Wait, what? TIM: Yup, that sounds about right. ELIAS: And it would not be a pleasant death.

(MAG095) MARTIN: Kinda thought your job was to be a hostage. […] Shouldn’t you be, I don’t know, trying to escape? BASIRA: Sure. How’s that gone for you? MARTIN: What? BASIRA: The way Tim tells it, we’re all in the same boat here. So, how’s your escape plan coming? [NOISES OF CONFUSED EXASPERATION] MARTIN: How… Doesn’t it bother you?!

(MAG102) ELIAS: Even more than the others [Melanie] has a visceral hatred of being trapped. Regardless of how much freedom I afford her. […] MELANIE: [Frustrated anger] It’s not just being stuck here, Jon. It’s not just me. He’s manipulating you, he’s manipulating all of us. Can you seriously not see that?

(MAG106) ELIAS: Whatever I’m planning needs to be stopped! Even if it costs a few lives. Including your own. MELANIE: Well, that’s not even– ELIAS: A rationalisation, of course. A lie, about your own selfishness, that you would rather be dead than trapped without the self-determination you prize so highly. I wish I knew the words to convince you it’s for the best.

(MAG131) MELANIE: I don’t know! I can’t… look at her without my leg hurting, but what else am I going to do. I don’t want to be on my own, and I’m stuck here. So… ARCHIVIST: Basira said you were doing better. MELANIE: Would you just– stop?! ARCHIVIST: No– Right, no– MELANIE: This isn’t better! ARCHIVIST: M–Melanie, I, I– MELANIE: I’m not dying and I don’t… want to kill you, it’s, it’s…! [SHARP EXHALE] It’s just different. Yes, it’s… sort of better, m–maybe, but I–I can’t…

(MAG136) ARCHIVIST: It, uh… Hm. Is, uh… Weird question, but… I… [EXHALE] I haven’t seen you in my dreams? The last couple of weeks? DAISY: … Oh, uh, no. I… I work here, now. I figured it seems to protect the others, so… ARCHIVIST: Oh. Right, so… Wait, did you talk to Lukas, or…? DAISY: [CHUCKLE] Broke into Elias’s old office. Found an employment contract; filled it in, and signed it. ARCHIVIST: And that worked. DAISY: Seems so. ARCHIVIST: And you’re not… worried about… DAISY: Basira’s trapped here. So are you. Not like I can be going anywhere anyway. ARCHIVIST: … I suppose not. So… no more dreams. DAISY: Not of you and your weird eyes. Just the coffin. ARCHIVIST: Is that better…? DAISY: ’T’s mine. ARCHIVIST: … right.

(MAG150) MELANIE: Look. [INHALE] I’m not going to do my job anymore. ARCHIVIST: … I am not sure I follow, you–you know we… we can’t… quit, we’ve all tried. MELANIE: I didn’t say I was going to quit. I said: I’m not going to do my job. No researching; no filing; no… field trips. Nothing that is going to help the Institute in any way. I’ll still be around, I just… ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] MELANIE: I can’t be a part of this anymore. If, if I get sick, I get sick. And, and if I die…

Learning that Eric had found a way out, that there is a way out is… especially interesting in the light of the running thematic of “choices” that season 4 is exploring. Because, until now, being trapped at the Institute was just something that had been inflicted on the Archival staff, without them being able to do much about it apart from going for Melanie’s option (slowly dying). But now, if there is a way out, it means that staying at the Institute becomes a choice, too. The staff can decide that the cost to pay in order to leave is not worth it, but still: there is now another option, and staying is not an inescapable curse anymore. It’s up to them to decide and to define what their priorities are.

- I’ve purposefully left out Martin out of the Assistants Being Trapped wall of quotes because actually… There has only been one occurrence of Martin describing it:

(MAG039) ARCHIVIST: … Why are you here Martin? MARTIN: Well, well, Prentiss is out there and you can’t run so– ARCHIVIST: I mean at the Archive in general. Why haven’t you quit? MARTIN: Are you giving me my review now? ARCHIVIST: No… We’re clearly doing a whole heart-to-heart thing and, truth be told, the question’s been bothering me. You’ve been living in the Archives for four months, constant threat of… this. Sleeping with a fire extinguisher and a corkscrew. Even you must be aware that that’s not normal for an archiving job? Why are you still here? MARTIN: [CONSIDERING] Don’t really know. I just am. It didn’t feel right to just leave. I’ve typed up a few resignation letters, but I just couldn’t bring myself to hand them in. I’m trapped here. It’s like I can’t… move on and the more I struggle, the more I’m stuck. […] No, no… it’s just that whatever web these statements have caught you in, well, I’m there too. We all are, I think. [SIGH]

… And even back then, that was it. More than being trapped in a place, Martin was seeing it as sticking to Jon.

And it absolutely stopped being a concern afterwards. When Martin had his litany of recriminations about everything that had happened in the Institute and about what Elias had done to them… being tied to the Institute hadn’t been one of them:

(MAG117) MARTIN: Me and Melanie, well… Well, I don’t think “death” is really the worry, it’s just… [SIGH] It feels like an ending? Or… something. Like nothing can go back to normal after this. Hey, hey, I mean what’s normal, right? Is living in an old document storage normal? Is losing a friend and not even noticing normal? Corridors? Evil all-seeing managers? I suppose you can get used to anything, but… [PAUSE] It feels different. […] These last couple of years, I’ve always been... running, always hiding, caught in someone else’s trap, but… but now it’s my trap. And, well. I think it will work. I know, I know it’s not exactly intricate, but… it felt good, weaving my own little web.

(MAG118) MARTIN: What? You don’t want him… hearing your big evil speech? ELIAS: Just wanted to spare you the small amount of dignity you have left. MARTIN: [DRY LAUGHTER] Dignity? Alright, yeah; like the dignity of being trapped in your flat by worms, or sleeping in the Archives, clutching a corkscrew! Or– or fetching drinks for the thing that murdered your friend without you even noticing…! Laughing at all their little jokes, then being left to wander impossible corridors for weeks! ELIAS: [SIGH] Are you done. MARTIN: Not even close. Because... [HEAVY BREATHING] I… I’ve been thinking. It’s not like you’ve got this all-seeing thing recently. You’ve had it the whole time. I remember the way you looked at Sasha after the attack. You knew it wasn’t her. And I reckon you knew Prentiss was lurking under the Institute, too, and you did nothing. Why? [SILENCE] WHY?! [SLAMS TABLE]

I’m not sure that Martin ever truly perceived it as a burden, quite frankly. He didn’t have a lot in his life – his mother, the Institute, his poetry, as far as we knew. Maybe for Martin, there used to be some comfort in the idea of being trapped and stuck; because that meant people around him… wouldn’t ever be able to leave, either?

(The only recent case of Martin pointing out the trapping as negative was when he screamed at Daisy:

(MAG144) DAISY: Fine. … Fine. Just thought you– MARTIN: No! No, you didn’t! [DOOR OPENS.] We’re not… we’re not friends, Daisy! None of us are! We’re all just trapped together, here, and–and kidding ourselves that we don’t hate it! Christ, there are more important things than, than “feelings”– DAISY: [INCREDULOUS EXHALE] MARTIN: –right now, alright, so just… leave me alone! For good!

And there might have been some sincerity in these words (although Martin confirmed right afterwards that he was mostly just aiming to make her leave). But if he were asked quietly whether or not he wants to leave, I’m not sure Martin would: what does he have, outside of the Institute? What kind of life could he lead? He’s been there for most (if not all) of his adult life at this point, nine years at the very least; and while I firmly believe that Melanie would be able to go forwards and to recreate her own life, or that Daisy&Basira might be able to as a duo, when it comes to Martin… I’m not sure he would even want to try. I’m not sure that he laughed at Jon’s face because it was “too late” for him to leave although, yes, he did confirm to Basira that he wasn’t expecting to make it out alive or as himself; I think it might just have sounded incongruous and so… surreal? So impossible to imagine? And I don’t think that The Lonely is the only thing to blame for this.)

- Given how Eric suspected that Gertrude wouldn’t have shared the eye-gouging trick with him if she had known before he did (and, indeed, as far as we know, she… didn’t inform Michael Shelley about a possibility of quitting – but I’m not sure he was even aware of being trapped in the first place…), and that Jon already jumped on Martin to tell him:

(MAG154) ARCHIVIST: I know; I know what you said, but I just… I think I’ve found a way for us to leave the Institute. [SILENCE] MARTIN: … Okay…? ARCHIVIST: Yeah. But i–it’s… [INHALE] it’s pretty… drastic. MARTIN: What, [CHUCKLING] you gotta gouge your eyes out or something? [SILENCE] … Fuck off?! [SILENCE] … Right…! Uh–uh… ARCHIVST: [EXHALE] MARTIN: Uh, r–right, uh… Wow…! [NERVOUS CHUCKLE] Uh, okay… […] Y–y–yeah… yeah, uh… Ha–have you told the others, or…? ARCHIVIST: No, you–you’re the first. […] MARTIN: Who are you kidding, Jon? You’re not gonna do any of that. ARCHIVIST: I, I could…! MARTIN: But you won’t…! That why you came to me, isn’t it? ARCHIVIST: [EXHALE] MARTIN: You know I can’t do it, not now; you don’t want to blind yourself; you don’t want to die; what you want… is a reason to not do those things. So… you come to me. ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] MARTIN: Well… you’re welcome! B–because I can’t follow you on this one.

I think Jon is very likely to share it with the others, despite (/because of) Martin’s last words? So, are we heading towards (at least) one member of current Team Archives choosing to lose their eyesight in order to leave the Institute…?

If so, who? Martin sounded like Gertrude in that aspect: he has a goal and is sticking to it, and is not ready to consider it an option.

He also had a point re:Jon on the idea that… maybe Beholding is the only thing currently powering Jon to live right now, because he should have died during The Unknowing and ultimately made a choice when faced with dying or “becom[ing] something else”. We’ve also seen Jon display instant-healing abilities (MAG131, when he tried to cut his finger), and he also mentioned that the wound from Melanie’s scalpel had healed quickly so… it doesn’t seem like he could permanently harm himself, nor that someone else’s injury would last. However, Dekker had mentioned that Hunters were able to take down avatars (MAG113), and Daisy had managed to quickly kill off Mike Crew, so it’s possible that Hunters would be able to inflict permanent damage and, oh, good timing, Trevor&Julia managed to crawl back to England, sneaked into the Institute once, and might still be looming around.

When it comes to the conscious choice of blinding oneself to escape The Eye… I doubt that Daisy would go there, since she signed up for the Institute on her own (without being coerced or misled into it, knowing full-well that it meant she would be trapped), both to reclaim a bit of control (getting rid of Jon in her dreams) and because Basira and Jon were already trapped. Daisy wouldn’t want to leave without the others, she displayed some protective tendencies around Jon although she is already deeply weakened in her current state, she didn’t sound morally upset at the thought of being tied to The Eye when she discussed with Martin in MAG144, so… I really don’t see her going for Eric’s solution. She might see it as making herself vulnerable without getting much in exchange?

Basira… I’m not sure. I think that even more than Daisy, she would see it as making herself vulnerable – Elias took a dig about that one time she “let her guard down” (Jared’s attack?) in MAG127 and it feels to me like this is really her problem right now – desperate and scrambling for control, craving it so much that she both tends to sideline her feelings and attachments because she perceives them as a weakness, and to make herself susceptible to manipulation. She was quietly resigned to being trapped, too, signed up to protect Daisy without showing much anger towards the action, so I’m not sure she would think that blinding herself would be worth it? And there is the additional fact that she might or might not be on a Very Beholding Path herself (although recently, it sounds more Hunt-y to me?).

And finally… Melanie feels to me like the person who would probably be the most interested in Eric’s option. She already emotionally cut ties with Beholding by deciding that dying was better than surviving at the cost of feeding it. She has already worked on trying to get better. We heard about her going outside of the Institute, we know that Georgie is helping her. She has a support system outside (although small), and strong distaste of The Eye. So…

;; There is the additional fact that, hum. Eric didn’t survive long after quitting because he was murdered. But what if The Beholding’s grasp was supposed to come back after some time…? We also had Beholding places containing, uh, eyeless people, and we’re still unsure of who they were and what had happened to their eyes (older Archivists in older Archives?):

(MAG023, Albrecht von Closen) “I approached the man, but he didn’t move to flee. As I got closer, I saw him in more detail. He was short and squat, wearing an old-fashioned, black frock coat and knee breeches, though his head was shadowed by a wide-brimmed black hat. By his costume, I assumed him to be an old man, perhaps a groundskeeper for this place, or simply a recluse that lived nearby. When I greeted him, though, the voice that answered held no quiver of age within it. […] I felt the presence behind me, and I turned around. It was the man from the cemetery. His wide brimmed hat was removed and he stared at me. His head was completely bald, and his eyes were missing. They were just empty sockets but they stared at me. The saw me. Believe or dismiss anything else in my letter as you wish Jonah, but I swear to you that I stood face to face with a man with no eyes and he saw me.”

(MAG053) WALTER: It was a body. […] His eyes were gone. But rather than simply decaying into nothingness, there were ragged scratches around the edge of the socket, leaving messy, hollow pits. I was feeling very afraid now and had just turned around to leave when my torch abruptly turned off. It was the strangest thing. It should have been pitch-dark. There was no light at all filtering through into those underground caverns, but instead, I could so everything! Every detail of the shrivelled corpse before me was as clear as day, though there was no light to see it.  I can’t explain it, even really describe how it felt, but it was absolute darkness, and I could still see. At the same time, I suddenly got the most intense feeling of being watched – like a thousand eyes turned to me at once. […] The sense of being watched was getting stronger, an almost physical wave that seemed to drag me down. I reached the mouth of the tunnel just as a figure came into view. It wore what looked like the remains of an ancient robe, and in the darkness, I could see long, spindly fingers stretching, probing toward me. From beneath its huge, flowing hood, I could see nothing except for a single, lidless eye.

… But especially in the Schwartzwald man’s case: having no eyes didn’t stop him clearly belonging to Beholding, so… There is no proof that it would indeed work.

- Of course, gooooooooods… The echo between Gertrude’s era and Jon… three assistants “meeting an unpleasant end”; Tim and Sasha are already gone, there is only Martin left of the original team. Of course Martin would have, even unconsciously, been a prime concern after a recording of Gertrude and one of her (dead) assistants… EXCEPT NO, AHAHAHA, Jon’s worry/concern/feelings truly felt like something else than guilt and responsibility.

I’ve seen how RQ operates, I know that they know their tropes, I know that they wouldn’t Tease to get listeners and shame them for hoping for some more queerness afterwards, I know that they’re careful about this; I knoooow rationally that there probably wouldn’t be this much focus on Jon’s anxiety towards Martin’s current situation if the bottom line was Oh, Jon Is Mostly Feeling Guilty About Tim&Sasha And Worried That Martin Might Die Because Of Him Too (especially when it’s been acknowledged multiple times that Martin has romantic feelings for him).

But. Still. Up until now, it could perfectly be read that way in Jon’s worry and longing.

(MAG122) ARCHIVIST: Just you and me. … And, Melanie and M–Martin, I, I guess. Honestly, I’m surprised Martin isn’t… BASIRA: [SHARP INHALE] ARCHIVIST: What? Oh god, the, their plan, it’s, Martin is– Is he okay, or– … What did Elias do?

(MAG123) ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] I wish I could talk it through with Martin. … Or Tim. [SHORT SAD CHUCKLE] Or Sasha. But we never really did that, did we…? … Everything’s changed. … [SIGH] Two days out of a coma, and I’m already tired.

(MAG124) ARCHIVIST: H–how are you, Martin? I–is everything… MARTIN: Yeah, yeah, no, I’m, I’m alright, er… Everything’s… fine. ARCHIVIST: … Right. Hum. … H–how’s… h–how’s the poetry? MARTIN: Oh, er, well, I haven’t exactly had a lot of time recently, so… ARCHIVIST: Yes, of course… MARTIN: Mm. ARCHIVIST: You’ve been busy. MARTIN: Yeah. ARCHIVIST: … MARTIN: … Look, Jon, I, I’ve really got to go, so… ARCHIVIST: Oh, er, okay… MARTIN: I’m, I’m sorry that you– ARCHIVIST: Wowowow, it was… good t–, it was good to see you. MARTIN: … Yeah. [STEPS LEAVING] ARCHIVIST: … Yeah… 

(MAG136) DAISY: You need to stop moping. ARCHIVIST: I what? DAISY: You need to stop swanning around, being all sad. ARCHIVIST: I’m, I’m not “swanning around”– DAISY: “Boo-hoo, I’m so alone and a monster!” ARCHIVIST: I am alone, Martin is– DAISY: Busy. doing. paperwork. Not like he’s dead. Beside, he’s not the only other person here, you know. There’s me; Melanie; Basira– ARCHIVIST: Traumatised; traumatised; and paranoid, because of me.

(MAG139) ARCHIVIST: And that just leaves Martin, which… […] … [SIGH] I’m just worried about Martin. … Christ… Every other Avatar gets to have their feelings… burned right out of them, but me? I’ve… just got to sit in mine. … I know he said he had everything under control. I need… to trust him; whatever he’s doing with Peter, he’s… he knows what he’s doing. Probably. I just– … [VERY FAST] I need him to be okay. I just do.

(MAG148) ARCHIVIST: I’ve been meaning to ask. The… tape. The one of the, uh… my victim. You said Martin gave it to you. BASIRA: [EXHALE] Yeah. ARCHIVIST: How was he? H–how did he look, was he, uh… BASIRA: I don’t know. I didn’t… see him. He just left it on my desk with a note. ARCHIVIST: Oh… Right.

(MAG150) ARCHIVIST: We are trying. Daisy, Basira and I, we don’t leave the Institute much anymore – so we do spend a lot of time together. It’s not that easy, though. When everyone has so many walls, so many defences… [SIGH] sometimes you can feel lonely even when you’re in the same room. … But it’s better than the alternative. And at least none of us is suffering alone. … Martin’s got it the worst, of course. But it still seems to be his choice. And I have to trust that he knows what he’s doing.

In this episode? Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnot so much, and Oh No, Jon Is Indeed Having A Crush, Uh.

I think what felt the most “… Jon…” about it is that… Jon didn’t present the eye-gouging as a way for Martin to be free and get out. There was Jon’s insistence that they could do it “together” – it wasn’t so much about saving Martin as ensuring that Martin wouldn’t die and that they could be reunited.

(And it came right after a statement of… Eric and his one-sided crush on Mary, who was mostly using him to achieve her own goals (getting a Beholding kid from the Archives?), so. Aouch. The echo of the statement wasn’t kind to your situation, Jon.)

It’s possible that indeed, Jon was partially motivated to go to Martin because he (unconsciously) wanted to be told to not do it, but… I think that, more straightforwardly, it was because Jon had just found a way to get Martin back. Jon has never been that good at weaponizing his own emotions to manipulate other people, except when faking his accent and hiding his feelings. So either Martin has understood that Jon was indeed jumping on him because he was genuine about wanting to elope with him (and it’s too late; it’s not the time, and Martin himself seems to have given up on the idea of surviving his “ritual”), either Martin has closed up with The Lonely, and the idea of someone caring for him? Is just unfathomable at this point, and there must be hiding an uglier truth or selfish motivations.

(And oh, how selfish Jon’s plan was!! Gosh?? I still can’t believe he literally begged Martin to just give up on the spooks, on saving the world, just to elope together for a while?? Jon???)

(Not even a thought about his victims, about the fact that hey, maybe if he was cut from The Eye, they would be released from his nightmares?)

(MAG154) MARTIN: [DRY AND HOLLOW LAUGHTER] ARCHIVIST: [BREATHY] … What…? MARTIN: [CHUCKLING] N–nothing, it’s just… That’s just ironic, that’s all. ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] Martin, I… MARTIN: Who are you kidding, Jon? You’re not gonna do any of that. ARCHIVIST: I, I could…! MARTIN: But you won’t…! That why you came to me, isn’t it? ARCHIVIST: [EXHALE] MARTIN: You know I can’t do it, not now; you don’t want to blind yourself; you don’t want to die; what you want… is a reason to not do those things. So… you come to me. ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] MARTIN: Well… you’re welcome! B–because I can’t follow you on this one. [SILENCE] ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] … The Lonely’s really got you, hasn’t it? MARTIN: You know, I think it always did. ARCHIVIST: [SOFT HUFF] [QUIET] Maybe. [SILENCE] Well… I–I’ll be here. If you ever do need me. MARTIN: … I hope so. ARCHIVIST: Just don’t wait too long, okay? [RUFFLING OF CLOTHES] [FAINTER, IN THE DISTANCE] If you haven’t already. [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES] MARTIN: Yeah. [LONG EXHALE] … Yeah… [CLICK.]

A few things:

* AOUCH at that “I’ll be here” / “I hope so.” Not going out terrorising people, uh.

* I’m a bit lost re:Martin’s criticism, because he had been fairly upset about Jon’s self-sacrificing tendencies, or the fact he was throwing himself into danger, when discussing with Daisy in MAG144… while here, he called Jon out (in a very cruel, falsely indulgent tone) on not wanting to end his life. Given Jon’s pedigree, it almost sounded like a taunt to get Jon to try to gouge out his eyes, but, mostly: I’m surprised that Martin would perceive Jon’s actions this way, when he had listened to Daisy’s input and had called her “observant” (so, validating her reading of Jon)… ? It’s very likely that these words were absolutely valid when it came to Jon, I’m simply surprised that Martin would suddenly read him like this. Martin is in a bad place, he doesn’t need to make sense but… still…? Unless it was mostly his bitterness about being perceived as an enabler coming out…?

Unless he told Jon what he needed Jon to think – that he didn’t want to sacrifice his life…? (Because if so? That would be extremely web-y, Martin.)

* … Martin, Jon is currently demonstrating that not wanting to do something doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t do it anyway (=> “I don’t want to stop”, and he’s stopping anyway).

* Jon’s coma is still a sore spot, uh.

(MAG129) ARCHIVIST: … What happened, Martin? [SILENCE] MARTIN: You died. ARCHIVIST: I came back. MARTIN: Yeah. [OPENS DOOR] I’m not gonna let it happen again. ARCHIVIST: … wait… Wait! W– [DOOR CLOSES] [SIGH] [CLICK.]

(MAG154) MARTIN: Jon… [SIGH] Don’t do this. ARCHIVIST: Do what? MARTIN: Make it my decision. ARCHIVIST: I’m not– MARTIN: No, I mean… [DRY CHUCKLING] Could–could you even survive at this stage? Is there anything else keeping you alive? ARCHIVIST: Uh, I–I don’t know. I don’t… “Know”. But… [EXHALE] Maybe it’s worth it? The risk, y–you and me, together, getting out of here…

Indeeeeeeeeeeeeed, if Jon were to die due to his eye-gouging because Martin had agreed and encouraged him to follow through that plan… Martin would feel responsible about it forever, uh.

* I feel like Martin tends to react badly to… Jon’s choice of words/feelings.

(MAG127) ARCHIVIST: I just… I’m sorry. Basira is off doing… God-knows-what, and I can’t talk to Melanie. MARTIN: Mm-mm. ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] I suppo– … I miss you. MARTIN: [SNERK] ARCHIVIST: I’m just… MARTIN: Lonely. ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] Yeah. MARTIN: [HUFF]

(MAG154) MARTIN: Why? ARCHIVIST: … Because… uh, because I–I trust you, I– I’m trying to think about what to do, and I… Well… if I did try this, I… I don’t want to do it alone. MARTIN: [EXHALE] ARCHIVIST: But we could leave here. You and me; escape. MARTIN: Jon… [SIGH] Don’t do this.

“Miss you” and the feeling of loneliness, “alone”… is Martin thinking that it’s just The Lonely causing Jon’s longing…?

* Season 4 has been a long fall into The Lonely for Martin, and it just. Doesn’t feel good. Like Jon, he’s not… enjoying himself in the avatardom? He’s stopped living – doesn’t have much contact with anyone, hasn’t been mentioned around tea, isn’t writing poetry anymore… And there is no glee nor joviality in what he’s doing? It just feels sad all over.

(MAG123) ARCHIVIST: So: we’re under siege; Melanie is aggressively unstable; Martin is working very closely with The Lonely, who is, predictably enough, isolating him; and, oh, yes, Tim and Daisy are still dead. Which is at least easy to keep track of!

(MAG134) MARTIN: And you thought that since I’m so lonely already, I’d be ideal. PETER: Yes!

(MAG138) MARTIN: I think he wants me to join The Lonely. ELIAS: Then it sounds like you have a decision to make. […] Don’t forget to keep in touch, Martin. There are so many people in here, but without one’s friends… [DOOR LOCKING] it does get rather lonely.

(MAG142) MARTIN: [SIGH] Th–the worst part is I don’t even want to talk to him about it. I’m just… [SIGH] I suppose I’m just getting comfortable with the distance. [SIGH] Cut off. [DRY CHUCKLE] “Lonely”. [INHALE] Mind you, Peter’s not wrong. It really is easier than actually just trying to communicate with people.

(MAG150) ARCHIVIST: Statement ends. The Lonely is… possibly the most insidious of the powers, I believe. Certainly it is the one that… most delights in having you do its work for it. Even the Spiders seem to have a hard time matching it for sheer seductiveness. [HUFF] “Time to yourself”, “self-care”, “putting yourself forward”… “not being a burden on those you care about”… [PAUSE] It doesn’t even need to tell you any lies; just waits for the lies you tell yourself.

(MAG151) MARTIN: [POINTEDLY] I think our experience of the universe has value. Even if it disappears forever. SIMON: … What a Lonely way to look at things. Which makes sense, I suppose.

(Except when it comes to tape recorders – Martin still likes those:

(MAG126) [CLICK–] [CLOCK IN THE BACKGROUND] [TYPING SOUNDS] MARTIN: [SIGH] [COMPUTER MOUSE CLICKING] Oh. Hello. [ONE CLICK] Haven’t seen you in a while. [TYPING RESUMES] … Really? I mean, it’s just admin. It’s not exactly thrilling listening. … Alright, fine. Whatever. You do you. [TWO CLICKS] Spool away, I guess. [ONE CLICK] Just, you know, let me know if you need some more batteries or something. [TYPING] … It’s because he’s back, isn’t it. [ONE CLICK] [SIGH] He’s back, so now you’re going to be… around, again. Listening in. [ONE CLICK] Mff. [TWO CLICKS] You missed him, didn’t you. [HUFF] … Yeah. … [VERY SHARP SQUEAL OF DISTORTION] Yeah, me too.

(MAG154) [CLICK–] [CLOCK TICKING IN THE BACKGROUND] [TYPING SOUNDS] [COMPUTER MOUSE CLICKING] MARTIN: Oh. Right. [CHUCKLE] Hello, again. [TWO CLICKS, TYPING RESUMES] Look, sorry pal, [SHORT LAUGH] false alarm this time…! [ONE CLICK] Oh, unless… [SIGH] [TWO AGGRESSIVE CLICKS] [TO THE ROOM] Peter! [SILENCE] [INHALE] Look, Peter, I– [DOOR OPENS] ARCHIVIST: Martin! MARTIN: Oh, Jon! [DOOR CLOSES] God, don’t do that!

Does Martin still like… spiders…?)

And gods, again and again, there is still what Peter had told Martin coming back to Haunt Us:

(MAG126) MARTIN: … When all this is over, I’m telling him everything, with or without your permission. PETER: Martin… when it’s over, you won’t want to. MARTIN: … Mm. PETER: But he will be safe. They all will. MARTIN: … Yeah.

Peter sounds Right, right now, on the first part; on the second… define “safe”, Peter. (Define “safe”, Martin: is it to be secluded and trapped inside of the Institute forever?)

- Hashtag worried too because with Eric&Gertrude’s conversation… We have the pattern of an archivist discussing with someone who had been bound to the book by someone else and agreeing to burn the page (… if Gertrude indeed burned the page. We didn’t hear her burning that page.), before binding someone else to the book some time later (Gertrude, Eric bound by Mary, Gerry). Jon: discussed with someone who had been bound to the book by someone else (Gerry by Gertrude), before destroying Gerry’s page. Julia&Trevor are back in town, must have come with the book, so it’s there……… I’m. A bit worried. That Jon would end up binding someone (Martin?!) because he doesn’t want to lose them forever…?

Title for MAG155 is… uh. Could be about the Current Economy again (I thought about Ivy Meadows and Melanie too) but I’m a bit at a loss Fears-wise. Spontaneously, I thought about The End but it’s technically… the other way round with that one (if we’re following the gist of MAG029: “‘You said that if I won, then I’d live!’ The monk shook his head. ‘No, I didn’t.’”), and we’re just getting out of a Beholding+End statement with Eric. Extinction, then, with either Martin reading another one or Jon trying to get his hands on new statements because he wants to help from the sidelines? I have a bit of trouble thinking that we could hear Martin two episodes in a row before the finale, it’s been… so long… ;; Other options: something about Jonah Magnus (since Smirke revealed in MAG138 that he feared his own death the most) or, overall, about avatars…? Or a Lonely one again? (I tend to associate Lukases with the mythological figure of Pluto because “rich”.)

Second meaning is “WELP”, I guess Jon is/has been spilling the beans to the others about their new eye-gouging option…?

[maliciousdraggy]

[SERIOUS] how did you feel after failed suicide attempt

Hear me out, I know this might sound like a troll post but please let me get my story out and I hope to get feedback from this.

I just got out of the VA hospital for a 5 day stay in the mental health ward. They were really good people and I can not say enough praise about them but I have to lead everyone up to the point on which they were able to help me.

Before the cause of my stay in the hospital I honestly thought that people who self harmed was just people looking for attention or that maybe had some kind of fetish. I do my best not to judge people based on just one insight I have of the person but to be honest I've only knew a few in my life, a total of two to be honest and from knowing them in the aspects that they showed to the world I deemed them "attention whores" and never thought about it much ever since.

Last week I tried to take my life. The reasons honestly doesn't matter it could be ptsd, general life related or just simple lack of sleep.

I had my plan together, wife was at work, only mother-in-law was home and upstairs, I placed my dogs in my room and I was going to go into the back yard with a glock 38 .45 acp. I called 911 and informed them that they would have a body to pick up at this address and where it would be located. The Operator tried the normal stuff such as think of your family and friends and how much you would be hurting them with some other stuff but I was half way listening to be honest because my goal was to bed dead and the cops take my body before my wife and step kids got home.

so I laid down in the backyard next to the pool and fire pit I had put in years back, my left arm laid in dog shit and I just groaned to my self "this isn't what I want to leave behind". I wiped off the dog shit the best I could so at least it wouldn't be obvious to the first person that found my body that I willingly/mistakenly laid it in. I hear rambles on my smart phone not sure what she was saying but I'm guessing she was going through a checklist and then I brought the pistol up to my head.

I took a big deep breath and well you know the outcome I couldn't pull the trigger. I a man that has spent literally years in Iraq being shot and bombed against could not pull the fucking trigger....

The amount I hatred I felt for myself and for life as a whole will never be done in that moment. "You had 1 fucking job and you couldn't do it" "you pile of shit, gutless little faggot that always cried out for a way out but when it came you didn't have the balls". Words honestly can not do justice to the emotions I felt at the time. I already give the 911 operator my info so I knew I only had limited time to finish what I started.

I did not have a back up plan when I started this because I honestly thought I could take the shot. my mind jumped to slitting my wrist in all the Hollywood cliches movies I've seen in the past. I ran into my kitchen. my heart is pounding because I know I'm on a timer, the cops are coming and I need to be dead before they get here but I need to die outside. I grabbed a hand full of knifes that was in the butcher block thingie not sure what its called but it held 8 of them and came out with 3. I started cutting my left wrist with the biggest which I thought would be the sharpest and it just tore the skin. "shit its dull" then I grabbed the next one and rub my thumb across its blade in a right to left motion. It was also dull as well as the third.

So here I am dog shit on 1/2 of my left arm a pistol with 1 round in it in front of me and 3 different kinds of knifes around me while cops are coming...

yea fuck that, I knew I had a sharp or at least what I thought was sharp leatherman type knife I had from a while back in my den. I ran in, grabbed it and went back to the spot I picked to die *not sure why I picked this spot it just seemed like a nice place to die but I digress*. I started slicing at my left wrist, the first time I have ever cut my self on purpose in my life and the knife was not as sharp as I thought it was so I kept slicing and it would dig in then jump to another spot repeatedly but at least it was sharper than knifes in the kitchen. The 911 operator is still on my smart phone and I cant hear a word she is saying but I do remember saying "there we go" when I first start seeing beads then what I thought was an artery of blood sprint forth my arm *14 1/2 inches according to the nice people at the va and just kept repeatedly slicing.

Now during this time I thought I was done for so I was just going for style points and just to be sure. So I kept slicing and wincing at the pain when the knife jumped to another spot over and over again but with all the blood it was really hard to see what was being done and I just kept repeating the motion over and over again until I heard someone from my back right say my name and to drop the weapon. I do remember telling the officer that I'm not done yet. He yells at me again to drop the weapon and at this point I figure that I would listen to him because I'm already dead right? I've got my left arm covered with blood that has been stabbed and torn and sliced over 20 times no way I'm making my way out of this. I throw the knife down a good 5 feet from me and place my hand above my head as I was instructed I remember blood hitting my bald spot as I did this and was like "yea, going to die in peace on a stretcher somewhere and not on grass with dog shit on it". The Officer ask if I have any other weapons, I tell him I have a pistol with 1 round on it in front me. he ask that I stand up and by no means lean towards the pistol *I have nothing but respect for cops I know they are like people and some fuck up and there are good and bad ones but I'm not the type of shitlord that tries to make things hard for them* so I do what I'm told. The officer comes in front of me with a tact vest of some sort mostlikey running interceptor body armor *that shit is a joke* and an ar15 type rifle not sure if it was a sigg but he had his kit fully ready.

The officer reaches for the pistol thats around 2 foot in front of where I was squatting on the deck. he takes the pistol and throws it to the side. He had sunglasses on but if I was him I sure as hell wouldnt of taken an eye off of me. he ask if I had anymore weapon I tell him no. He then tells me to stand up and turn my back towards him which I do. He then ask me to lift up my shirt which I'm guessing is to make sure I didn't have any hidden weapons on me and at this point another officer appears in front of me. I dont know when he got there or how but I didn't notice until it already happened.

The 2nd officer checked my waistband again for something that might be hidden and tells me to keep my arms up. at this point my left arm is covered in blood and its just dripping all over the stone decking. I'm waiting for the whole pass out and never wake up thingie to happen but since you've read this far you know that didn't happen. After both officers checked me they called in emts which got to work on my arm and in my mine I thought "haha faggots ya too late, too slow on the draw /muahahhaha I win".

The EMTs starts cleaning off the blood and for the first time I can honestly see the real damage I did and let me be everything but misunderstood here "I was fucking ferrous". My entire arm that was covered in blood and I thought I was done for was just a shit load of nicks and scratches. 20 or 30 times I carved with the knife it was just jumping from 1 point to another very few places did it have what I would even call a decent cut.

So after the EMTs clear me the 2nd officer is talking with me and me being the big bitch I am had been crying the entire time in hopes that the cutting would put and end of my life/suffering. The 2nd officer tried doing the whole "what about you friends and family" speech bullshit which before then I thought was just a trope so I told him I'm a selfish asshole and I just want this one thing.

we go back and forth not sure for how long, maybe 15 mins *I'm not the best judge of time* before I'm handcuffed and put in back of a squad car then moved to another one because its 1 guys launch break *this is true a fuck and in the moment I'm like yea ok let the guy get some food because everyone hates working on there lunch break* so I'm moved into the other car and we make the way to the largest VA hospital in my area. The reason we are going to the VA is because they have seen me before on thoughts of suicide but this was the first time I've taken action. *if your asking why a guy who had seen the doc about suicide stuff still have a weapon, its simple really. I locked it in a quick release safe that only my wife has/had the code to. it took me 5 mins with a flat head screw driver to open it so keep that in mind if you have a quick release safe because of kids* I get to the hospital which took around an hour and the entire time cop number two was talking to me. IMO he is a good guy, not he's a cop so he's a good guy but he honestly seemed to care about what was going on.

I'm in the va hospital, cop number 2 talks to another cop there and says I'm non combative would he like for me to stay in restrains or not. cop number 3 says nah take'm off. so there I am, pissed at the entire world and myself most of all in a lil room with glass doors with a small Hispanic nurse next to me and the 3rd officer keeping and eye on me in the distance.

[hiraethstill]

THIS WEEK ON DAIYA NO ACE (8/6)

SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT!

LIVEBLOG:

YEETS IVE BEEN W AITING FOR INTRASQUAD GAME

yess mimura and kawashima get a moment to shine

LMAO i love asou

also his hair is super cool

hell YEAH there are some great first years

omg the second and third years look like a mafia/gang

MY BABIES ASADA AND KUKI

lmao mogami really out here

natsukawa i love you

TAKU WHATS WITH YOUR CHEEKY GRIN LMAO

ah nvm thats why heh

its kinda strange to see taku wearing the white cap

CHILD I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

kuki starting!!!!!!!!!!!

and asada wishing his bf good luck

LMAO kuki why you gotta be all dramatic with your "okumura koushuu"

A WHOLEASS S O N

skldjg why'd yall have to prolong the shot of yui holding a hand in front of masashi like he's holding him back

ooh kagami another son

asahi... will have to remember that name

A

AS

ASADA CALLING KUKI KUKI-KUN IM NO T OK A Y

IM NOT o K         A            Y

aww asada bby youll gain confidence too!

what a lovely shot

eijun!

eijun's hair flying behind him is really pleasing

aww eijun wanting to be a good senpai to asada but also being considerate

harucchi working so hard im so proud of him

but also eat!!!

good job kanemaru taking care of people

(toujou in tow)

always trying to accomplish something... big mood

look at him... trying to smile...

i want to hug him

kanemaru go hug him for me!

HE'S SO?????????? PRETTY?????????

TOUJOU TOO I SWEAR

LISTEN

TOO MANY KUKI SHOTS TO SCREENSHOT BUT JUST KNOW HE'S BEING PRETTY AND WORKING HARD

why did ochiai look so different

takatsu!!!!

YES I KNOW ASADA YOU'RE CHEERING FOR YOUR BF YOU'RE DOING A GREAT JOB

kanemaru talking like he knows takatsu i demand interaction stat

HELL YEAH TALK ABOUT MY BOI TAKATSU LIKE THAT

takatsu's voice is partly right behind my nose its strange but i guess not bad?

I CHOKED ON MY FOOD WHEN TOUJOU CALLED HIM YOUHEI

HOW DID YOU FORGET SUN

damn right seidou is crazy but not in the way that you think kuki

asada get over here i will Hug You Fiercely

lmao koushuu lowkey throwing shade but not really

CLAP KOUSADA CLAP BATTERY CLAP

HAHAHAHA HOW MANY TIMES DID MOGAMI'S VA HAVE TO SAY THAT TO DO IT CORRECTLY

KUKI WITH THAT C ONFIDENCE

he would make a good captain hMMST

TAKU CONFIDENCE TOO

ASADA CHEERING KUKI ON HAS WATERED MY CROPS, CLEARED MY SKIN, FED MY CHILDREN--

ANOTHER GRATUITOUS KUKI SHOT

KARIBAAAAAAA

omg if kuki reminds kariba of sawamura then is this ace foreshadowing

i can still dream about kuki asada double ace right

SCREAMS ENDLESSLY INTO THE VOID

LOOK AT THEM

LOOK AT T H E M S T

aw kuki cares about toujou so much

WAAAAAAAAH ASADA'S LITTLE "YATTA"

omg kuki bleps too? 

like mochi like mukai lmaoo

LOVE THEM

okay yui your gay is showing hlskjdfs

masashi put yo aura away

good job kawashima!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

pats kariba gently

my heart is breaking for all these third years

esp nabe...

CRIES HARDER

THEY STILL WANT TO HELP OUT

STOP THIS PAIN I TELL YOU STOP IT

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

TAKATSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

HOW DARE YOU PLAY WITH MY HEART LIKE THIS

representing them............. im not o kay.............

HLSKDGH THE LITTLE EMPHASIS MARK WHEN HE CALLS ASADA

KOUSHUU ITO TAKU GANBARREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

ASADA TOO OF COURSE

WORDS CANNOT EXPRESS HOW MUCH I LOVE ONE (1) SETO TAKUMA

AAAAAAA KUKI ENCOURAGING ASADA IN TURN I LOVE SUPPORTIVE BOYFRIENDS

oh god oh god have i also mentioned how GORGEOUS taku's voice is i cANNOT

asada bby i dont think youd have ever been ready for this game 

YAAAAAAAAAARGH KOUSHUU BEING ENCOURAGING

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH DEAD-LAST-AT-THE-DINNER-TABLE SQUAAAAAAAAD

WAAAAAAAAAAAAH ASADA REFLECTING ON KOUSHUU STANDING UP FOR HIM

I ALSO SUPPORT KOUSADA HAVE I MENTIONED THAT I SHOULD SAY IT AGAIN

"maybe he thought of me as a friend" ASADA FUCKING HIROFUMI WE LOVE THE HELL OUT OF YOU

SOMEONE HOLD ME

YOU SHOULD HEAR THE DYING WHALE NOISES IM MAKING

OH GOD

OH GOD

IM

IM DEAD GONE GOODBYE

okay sun we getting a lil cap happy here

eijun you doofus come out from behind there

LMAO "IS HE SCARED" KOUSHUU IS HIS FRIEND EIJUN

HYAHA ZONO AND MOCHI READ MY MIND

i fucking love love love how taku and koushuu shared that one brain cell right there

LSKDJFLGSHKG "he throws faster than me"

TAKU ENCOURAGING ASADA AAAAAAAA

at this point i should just make it an OT4 - koutakuasakuki

hell yeah pretty koushuu shot

hello have i introduced you to my SON

WAIT WAIT WAIT

REWIND

TAKU DAS GAY

ALSO HEIGHT DIFFERENCE

literally this looks like he's about to go in for the kiss

i meant the kill but same difference

WHY ARE YOU SO CUUUUUUUUUUUUTE

hsljkdfghjslkfdj IVE BEEN WAITING

FOR THE "taku, what was that."

AND TAKU'S VOICE ALL CHEEKY LIKE "NOTHING" MAKES IT EVEN BETTER theyre SO CUTE

im gonna watch this segment again

screams softly in koutaku rights

koushuu's so used to him like that lmaoo

he just gives him a reminder and moves on

ALSO EVERY TIME KOUSHUU AND TAKU CALL EACH OTHER TAKU AND KOUSHUU MY HEART JUST DOKI DOKIS SO DAMN HARD

what was that twitter post i saw today? the cliche meme with "oh my god the grumpy one is secretly in love with the sunshine one"

also obligatory pretty koushuu shot

asada is so confused poor bby

TAKU SHARING KOUSHUU'S BRAIN CELL I CANN O T

TALK ABOUT A DYNAMIC DUO

THEY ALREADY THINKING ABOUT WINNING

THE S OUN D ASADA MADE IM MCFUCKING DYING

LMFAOOOOO

couldnt get a screenshot but taku looking at koushuu like that makes me melt

even better koushuu pretending not to notice

audience members who asked you

this screams found family

eijun cheering asada on....... still behind that pole

what a goober

HYAHA MOCHI READING MY MIND AGAIN

LMAO "asada's an innocent guy" too true but also gdi eijun

ooh we stan asada being perceptive about koushuu

yessss asada you go kick ass

HYAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA "IM ALREADY DEAD"

HOLD UP IM LAUGHING TOO HARD AHAHAHA

taku i see you you lil goober hiding all blurry in the corner while koushuu calms asada down

koushuu havent you heard? tapping your glove against people's chests is gay

asada being formal @ koushuu lmaoo

and koushuu telling him not to straight up lmaoooo

TAKU WE GET IT YOU LOVE KOUSHUU

good JOB asada pitching from the stretch

no remarkable features??? no asada you are unique and wonderful and i love you

ooh the nice sound - that's koushuu's soft touch catching right

his cheeky grin and WHAT FOR

mochi's voice sighs happily

might as well give yall a cute eijun while im at it

OH YEAH

HELL YEAH PLAYING INFIELD IN AND GETTING AGGRESSIVE

oh hello that is an intense face you're making good sir

WHAT THATS IT SERIOUSLY?

GIVE ME MORE FIRSTIES

preview

taku!!

hahaha when you put kuki's face then asada's expression like that one after another

also them talking here

who's on fire?

cries softly of course you'll meet expectations asada

SUMMARY:

minor 3rd yr appreciation!

kuki's mindset STRONK

hug toujou RIGHT NOW

kane, toujou, kuki squad!

DEAD LAST AT THE DINNER TABLE SQUAD

my heart breaks for 3rd yrs who cant play

eijun a goober

koutakuasakuki JUST SAYIN

koutaku one smart brain cell

See you next week!!!

[derpyslurpy-da-derp-master]

All the personal asks plz

Alrighty then!

1. Any scars?

Mhm, pretty much all the scars I have are burns. One is from burning the side of my arm on an iron my mom had  standing upright that I brushed against trying to reach something on the counter behind it and I’ve got one or two other scars from my culinary class on my hands from trying to put a tray in the oven and bumping it on the rungs above the ones I was putting it on. I burnt my hand day one of actually cooking. Yes I’m a disaster.

2. Self harmed?

Absolutely not. One, I’m too scared of pain, and two, I have uh… An unpleasant history involving someone else threatening self harm to make me do what they wanted, so… It’s a really sore spot for me.

3. Crush?

I honestly have no idea.

4. Kissed anyone?

Nope

5. Coke or Pepsi?

Neither they make me physically ill

6. Someone you hate?

There’s a LOT of assholes at my school but the person I hate the most is probably my dad for reasons.

7. Best Friends?

Mhm! I’ve got a handful on this site but my IRL best friend is @theansweris-a. She doesn’t really get on tumblr anymore but if you’re reading this I love you friendo and have a good day! :D

8. Have you ever done alcohol or drugs?

hahaha fuCK NO. I’d rather not get addicted to something that can and will kill me and throw my money at people to sustain it. If someone offered me either I’d probably flip them off whilst slowly backing up and getting tf out of there because NO.

9. What’s your dream job?

Author/Illustrator with some VA work and Video Game directing on the side.

10. Ever been in love?

I have. It was with someone I didn’t have a chance with and who would be an absolutely awful lover to me since we weren’t compatible emotion-wise so I let it go. It was hard, but I did it.

11. Last time you cried?

Last Sunday trying to explain to my mom why our preacher and the church we go to has completely fallen out of my favor for it’s very loud blatant ‘LGBT people are bad abortion is evil insert other white conservative stuff here’ ‘cause she doesn’t know I’m LGBT+ (and it’s going to stay that way) and I was trying to explain to her why I would never say invite my LGBT friends to church because they would be mercilessly persecuted by people who call themselves followers of God then spit in his eye by doing the exact opposite of everything he’s asked of them. Yes I still feel really strongly about this.

12. Favorite color?

Cyan!

13. Height?

How coincidence, I just got it measured today! 5′6, FINALLY OFFICIALLY TALLER THEN MY MOM MUHAHAHAHAHA

14. Birthday?

November 17th!

15. Eye color?

Milk chocolately-brown

16. Hair color?

Dark brown

17. What do you love?

this is so open ended hjkfjfjkhgkjh okay then I love girls, video games, anime, writing, drawing, reading, and animals.

18. Obsession?

My top 3 in order of obsession; Kill La Kill, RWBY, and Kingdom Hearts.

19. If you had one wish, what would it be?

For every single illness, disease, syndrome, disorder, and so on to have a cure. From Cancer to Asthma. Both because I have so many incurable diseases/disorders and because I know there are people out there who have things so much worse than me in that department.

20. Do you love someone?

I love all my mutals, friends, and most of my family including extended family. 

21. Kiss or hug?

I’ve never been kissed so I don’t know anything about how that would be so I’d say hug because I love hugs!

22. Nicknames people call you?

Derpy, Slurpy, D-Slur, Resident Cinnamon Roll (That’s my actual nickname on a Revue Starlight discord)

23. Favorite song?

this is like asking me to pick my favorite child uhhhhh… This Life Is Mine by Jeff Williams, it just means a lot to me.

24. Favorite band?

i know no bands by name

25. Worst thing that has ever happened to you?

….Okay, uh, this is gonna be really hard to decide because a LOT of bad things have happened to me. I’ll go with the more physical choice because I’d rather not dump too much of my emotional baggage onto yall. One time I was being prepped for surgery and they needed to get the IV in. (for the record I’m shaking pretty badly right now from thinking about this) They had to stab my arm with what they called a ‘Bee sting’ (it wasn’t a bee sting it goes almost down to the bone) that had numbing stuff in it and they were trying to find a vein they could put my IV in but they couldn’t find one (okay now i’m typing really fast so I don’t have to think about this for long) and they kept stabbing my arm over and over again. The thing is I have a serious phobia of needles that sends me into panic attacks, I’ll go lightheaded I’ll lose my hearing and so on. So I was trying to put a brave face on despite my parents not even being there but they would. not. stop. They didn’t give me a break. It was one stab then another then another then another. I was having a full blown panic attack, I was almost crying. Then they seemed to get it. They left me for a bit and my parents came in. My arm started swelling. They HADNT got it. My arm was being filled with whatever my IV was. They came back in with the beesting. They started stabbing me again but on the other arm. I couldn’t keep a brave face anymore after thinking they were finally done. I started to cry and sob and the panic attack I had that day was the single worst I have ever had. It got worse. They missed a vein entirely and instead hit a bundle of nerves. My hand started involuntarily twitching as pain unlike any I’ve ever felt before or until now wracked my arm. I had actual trauma from this, the night after the surgery I kept feeling ghost pains of the stabs in my arms, I had to sleep on my stomach with my arms wrapped around my front just to make them go away. I’m still extremely traumatized of this to this day. I never want to have surgery again. I never want an IV again. 

Okay that got away from me there I’m sorry I kinda was having a panic attack while writing that. Anyways moving on.

26. Best thing that has ever happened to you?

This is gonna sound cheesy but meeting @theansweris-a. She’s the sweetest and kindest person I have ever met in my entire life and I feel so incredibly lucky to call her my friend, though knowing her she’ll see this and reply with ‘No U’ because we always end up in a shouting match of ‘YOU ARE A WONDERFUL HUMAN BEING’ ‘NO YOU’RE A WONDERFUL HUMAN BEING’ 

27. Something you would change about yourself?

I definitely would lose weight. Not because of societies bullshit but because I legitimately want to lose weight so I can actually get strong and build up some muscle, I WANT TO BE ABLE TO OPEN GATORADE BOTTLES GODDAMNIT

28. Ever dated someone?

Nope, I’m closeted and have no interest in even pretending I’m straight by dating a guy, I mean I know some genuinely nice guys (all of them dorks) but they’re all just my friends though they are massive goofballs and I love them very much. (Entirely platonically)

29. Worst mistake?

I… Don’t think you guys wanna know that. It’s nothing bad its just depressing and I don’t wanna be more depressing then I already have been.

30. Watch the movie or read the book?

Depends on which is better, like I’d rather watch the Chronicles of Narnia than read the books because the books are honestly terrible but I’d rather read Percy Jackson than watch the movie because the movies are incredibly unfaithful to the books.

31. Ever had a heartbreak?

Yeah… 

32. Favorite show?

Kill La Kill!

33. Best day of your life?

My cheesiness never ceases but the first time I actually hung out with @theansweris-a IRL at the mall. I remember being SO excited for it but also nervous that how easily we talk to each other wouldn’t translate into real life and I remember spotting her walking up and practically shouting her name before running up and giving her a big ol’ hug whilst crying happy tears (I know i’m sappy shut up) and then when we were let loose to walk around we quickly discovered that we clicked almost immediately and incredibly well it was just the best thing ever. Like, in that one day alone we spent six hours in that mall just chatting and buying stuff and having fun and we left the mall with like three different inside jokes despite it being our first time meeting in person since we first met. Hi my name is Derpy and I’m a big ol’ sap.

34. Any talents?

I’m pretty good at writing, I can type really fast, and I can play the harmonica.

35. Do you wish you could ever start over?

Absolutely not. Things are the way they are for a reason, and even though I’ve been through a LOT it’s because of all that that I’m the person I am today and I wouldn’t trade that for the world.

36. Any bad habits?

Yeah, I’m a nail biter.

37. Ever had a near death experience?

Yes actually, when I was 3 or 4 we took a plane to California to visit some relatives and I almost walked out of the air hatch one the way out, I remember this vividly even though it was a long time ago. If it wasn’t for the flight attendant grabbing me before I fell out, I wouldn’t be here today.

38. Someone I can tell anything to?

@theansweris-a and @my-words-are-light, they’re both really good listeners and have helped me through a lot of stuff.

39. Ever lost a loved one?

My Great Grandpa Ritch died shortly after I was born, there’s a lot of pictures of him smiling and holding me while in a hospital bed and hooked up to oxygen.

40. Do you believe in love?

Oh absolutely, 100%. I mean if you know me you already know that I have just ABSURD amounts of love in my heart and I genuinely believe that it exists.

41. Someone you hate/Dislike?

Wasn’t this already a question?

42. Are you okay?

Mostly, yeah. I have some stuff to work on but I’m honestly at the best i’ve ever been!

43. Relationship status?

I’m a Single Pringle

[curiousdamage]

A Bit of Wonderful.

Day 23 of the writing challenge.  For @dream-beyond-the-fantasy who wanted to see more about Cara Kreese’s family and how she found out she was pregnant.

Karate Kid Fandom- A Careless Man’s Careful Daughter.

I own nothing.

Cara’s big brother visits her camp in Viet Nam.  (Michael’s face grab is Tim Ryan who played Colleen’s love interest, Natch but for purposes of this story, he’s Michael Sullivan.)

Cara sat on the beach staring out at the waves. Her mind moving too fast to come to any conclusion. She was still no closer to deciding what to do. She heard the helicopter overhead and turn to look up at it. Listening for the call of ‘wounded’. When it didn't sound, she looked back at the waves. Lost in thought, she didn't notice someone sitting down next to her until he spoke.

“Penny for your thoughts?"

“Jesus, Michael!" She jumped, then punched her brother in the arm. "You scared the daylights out of me."

“Sorry," he laughed. “To be fair, though, I did call your name from back there." He pointed back to the path to the beach. "KC told me you were down here. What’s up? You look a million miles away.”

“That was you?" she pointed up to the sky. He was a helicopter pilot. "You didn’t bring me any customers today?"

"Nope brought you some supplies. Quit changing the subject,” he replied. Why are you sitting out here looking like you're trying to figure out the meaning of life? Or at least how two of Colonel Kelly Sullivan’s children

ended up in this hellhole. Has Army never heard of nepotism before? We should be sitting on some Stateside base with cushy office jobs being pains in the asses of those who actually worked to get there."

“I volunteered and you would hate being grounded," she replied, laying her head on his shoulder.

“Probably true," he nodded. “Come on. Tell me what's got you so morose?"

"Good word," she replied.

"Yeah, Mom got me a word of the day calendar. She hopes it will make me sound smarter. You know she's still pushing for all five of us to be officers. Did it work?"

"Until you kept speaking," she laughed, despite how awful she felt, "Oh, Mikey, Mom’s going to kill me."

“What have you done to incur Mom’s wrath?" he asked.

"I'm pregnant," she finally spilled.

Michael was silent for a long moment, then, "Damn, Sis. Are you sure?”

“I've got all the signs," she replied. "Fatigue, morning sickness, all the girlie things you'll say 'EW' about, irritability…,”

"Well, if you're going by irritability, you've been pregnant since you were twelve," he teased.

She shoved him sideways with a small laugh. "I'm serious."

"Look, all jokes aside," he put his arm around her. “Couldn't all that stuff be caused by stress, because I hate to break it to you, Sis, but you're living in an inferno, doing probably the most stressful job a woman can have right now on less sleep a week than most people get a night."

"Are you saying I'm stressed out?" she rolled her eyes.

“That’s what I'm saying."

She laughed again. "It’s more than that, Mikey. " She paused, then decided they were both adults and she could confide in him. "It hasn't been that time of the month for over two months now.”

"Sis!" He looked at her with alarm. "And you're just saying something now?!" 

"I'm just accepting it myself now," she replied.

“Have you told John?"

She shook her head.

"Should you tell John?" he asked, cautiously.

"Yes!" She cried indignantly when she realized his implication. "I just wanted to make sure there was something to tell first.”

"Just wanted to make sure I'm punching out the right guy," he teased, "So, are you still not sure?”

“Not medically. No," she replied.

“What are you waiting on?” He asked.

“I can’t just go ask for a pregnancy test,” she said.  “It’ll go in my medical file.  Besides…,”

“What?”

“I’m scared, Mikey,” she admitted.  “You know what will happen if I am.”

He nodded somberly.  “A one-way ticket Stateside.”

“And probably a discharge,” she said.  “I can’t…, this is all I know.  This is awful.”

“Awful?” He raised an eyebrow.  “Cara Marie, this, this is the total opposite of awful. This is wonderful!  This is…, beautiful.  Hell, I might even like this kid!”  He patted her stomach, then got to his feet.  “Give me an hour okay?  Then I’ll have you a way to find out that won’t go in your file.”

“How are you going to do that?” she scoffed.

“Please.  A magician never reveals his secrets,” he replied, heading back up the beach.

“KC?! You told KC?! That was your big plan, Master Magician?” She sputtered as he led her to the other woman’s quarters.  

“Well, I figured a woman in her profession would have a way, you know?” he shrugged.  “And she owes me a favor for something I might have smuggled out for her.  She won’t tell.  And no, it wasn’t drugs.”

KC smiled at her like the cat who ate the canary when she entered the room.  “Well, Sullivan.  I knew you were screwing that Green Beret, but I figured you’d be smart enough to use protection. I didn’t think I’d have to have the birds and bees talk with you like I do the Donut Dollies.”

Cara glared at Michael before turning back to KC.  “For your information, I was using protection. It doesn’t always work.  Something you should keep in mind.”

“Maybe so.” She sauntered over to her foot locker and pulled out a pregnancy test surprisingly like the ones they kept at the hospital for the local women needing care.

“Where did you get this?” Cara asked, taking the box.  

“Don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answer too,” KC replied.  “Now, go get the necessary ingredient.  I’ll get it set up.”

“Wait, here?” Cara asked.  She’d hoped to do it in private.

“Unless you want to go over to the clinic, where else?” KC answered.   “Um…, my tent.  By myself.” “Too late.  I’m involved now,” KC replied, examining her nails. “I can help with whatever.”

“I’m a nurse.  I know how it works,” she replied but seeing she wasn’t going to win, took the specimen cup and stomped out, returning a few minutes later.

True to her word, KC had all the chemicals in the kit ready to go.  Cara added her part.

She put her hands over her face, muttering, “Please don’t change. Please don’t change.”

“Sorry, Toots,” KC said, examining the petri dish.  “You’ve got a little Cobra on board.”

“Alright!” Michael smiled, more for Cara’s benefit than his own. “I’m going to be Uncle Mikey!”

“We already have three nieces and two nephews,” she rolled her eyes.

“Yeah, but like I said, I’m actually going to like this one,” he smirked.

“Look, Sis.  I know it’s a lot and it wasn’t what you wanted, or planned, but think of this.  You managed to create something beautiful and wonderful in this hell we live in.  That must mean something, right?  I’m mean, this kid…, this kid is a miracle.”  He pulled her into a hug.  “You’ll get through this, okay?”

She nodded.  “I hope you’re right, Mikey.”

Two weeks later, Mikey was waiting for her as she prepared to leave. Maybe it wasn’t so bad.  She was being sent Stateside, but she hadn’t been made to resign her commission, being sent to a VA rehab instead.  Maybe having high ranking officers as parents was useful after all.

John still wasn’t back in base.  It had been over a month since the Cobra Kai unit had left out on a mission.  One he couldn’t tell her about and one he had no idea when or if he’d return from.  She couldn’t even tell him in person.

“I guess this it,” she said, standing near the plane that would take her home.

“Take care, Sis,” he said, hugging her.  Then he knelt so that he was near her stomach.  “Okay, Kid.  Listen up.  This is Uncle Mikey.  And when I get home, we’re going to be great friends.  But until then I’ll make you a little deal.  You take care of your mommy and I’ll take care of your Daddy. I’ll make sure he comes home safe and sound.  You make sure she doesn’t miss him too much, okay?  Is it a deal?  It’s a deal.” He rubbed her still flat stomach again, before standing back up.  “Give Mom and Dad a hug and kiss from me, okay?”

She nodded and wiped her eyes.  “Take care of yourself too.”

“Always,” he replied.

“Mikey? I know you’ll see John again. Give him this for me?” She pulled a plain white envelope out of her bag.  

“Of course,” he agreed.  “But I may not run into him for a while.  I’m not always in camp when he is.”

“I left a copy with KC too,” she confided.  “But I would rather you be the one to make sure he gets it.”

“Will do,” he nodded, solemnly, stashing the envelope in his uniform pocket.   He hugged her again.  “Bye, Sis.  Send me lots of pictures.”

“Will do,” she repeated, hugging him.  “I love you, Michael.”

“Love you, too, Cara.”

She boarded the plane, taking her window seat, and waved until she couldn’t see the ground, much less Michael anymore.

[skammovistarplus]

Culture and Translation - S01 E06

This is a bit of a weird episode, in that it feels like not much happened. Because Skam España switched a few things around, it seems like episode 6 shouldn’t be the episode in which to hang out with the characters for a while before shit goes down. But one thing that got me hooked to Skam almost straight away was the way you got to “hang out” with the characters even in small, drama-free moments, and this episode has a couple of clips I really like.

CLIP 1: Monday blues

Es que le metiste un corte (You were razor sharp with him): “Meter un corte” is really hard to translate. It basically means to be really cutting with someone when they aren’t expecting it, in a way that shuts the conversation for good. Which Amira did, over and over, but the dude wasn’t getting the hint.

I do think Nora feels a little bad for the guy, but only because Nora is extremely empathetic with everyone in the world, to the point where it’s surprising when she’s not empathetic.

Viri is a great liar. We will come to find out much of what she says in this scene is a lie, but she has no tells. This is why I think the Selena Gomez shoe line thing was Viri teasing the girls, because she broke character almost immediately. If Viri wanted the girls to believe it, we can see here that she would’ve managed.  

Nora’s shirt says, “No means no.” ‘No es no’ was first a slogan for an awareness campaign, promoted by several Spanish city halls, which aimed to curtail sexual abuse and rape during local festivals, such as Sanfermines. There’s also an Axel, Soledad song. And it has of course been slapped on all sorts of merchandise. Like shirts!

The sides of the mirror are tagged with graffiti, by the way.

And also, Eva and Nora are late for first period! They end up skipping it entirely.

CLIP 2: Lucas has feels; Eva’s are stronger

Eva and Lucas are listening to Molly Svrcina’s Fallen Angel. I think the point of the song was lost in how incredibly random the song is. This is a song Lucas recommends Eva listen to. It’s about Lucas, not Eva. Lucas is trying to give a hint to Eva about himself, but Eva’s too focused on the Jorge drama.

While this clip dropped during recess, Eva skipped school. Not sure if Lucas did as well, though.

It’s Viri who shares a birthday with Paris Jackson, as I already wrote in the post for last episode.

Alejandro Reina does a nice bit of acting with his eyes at the 5:22 mark. Lol, Lucas is so fucking tired of the Eva/Jorge drama carousel.    

Y tú me caes de puta madre (“And I think you’re fucking great”): Lucas is not just saying that he thinks Eva’s great. He’s saying he really fucking likes Eva (as a friend, that is!).

Es que sigo enfadada (“‘Cause I’m still upset”): This is a sentiment that will be expressed often this week by Eva, Jorge and Lucas. I’ve seen subs that translate it “enfadada” as “angry” and it’s not wrong, but I feel Eva and Jorge are both more upset than angry during this week. Your mileage may vary, though!

CLIP 3: Ship wars

Cullera: Cullera is a beach city in the Valencia region that has been taken over by tourists (or guiris, if you will!). There are some nice sights, but people visit for the beaches. Many Spanish familes own some sort of apartment by the beach, but Cullera is a step up from the usual, which is Torremolinos. A hint about Inés’ parents’ economic status! Cullera means “spoon” in Valencian language, by the way.

Easter break: The 2019 Easter break runs from the 12th of April to the 22th. Coincidentally, there are some rumors that s2 will premiere after Easter break 2019.

Tú no te líes, que el viaje importante es el de Mallorca, ¿eh? (Okay, but don’t lose sight of the important trip, the Majorca trip, huh?): A closer translation would be: “Don’t get sidetracked, the important trip is the Majorca trip, okay?” Which is actually a shorter line, so we should maybe change that, lol.

Que parezcamos ahí dos lapas como estas parejitas que están por ahí (For us to look like two barnacles like those couples you see everywhere): The literal translation would be, “for us to look like two barnacles like those couples that are around,” but that sounded like shade towards Eva and Jorge, who are also broken up this week. It’s not meant as shade, and in fact Eva has no reaction to it, so I reworked it.

Viri’s economic background is hinted through her confusion with job titles. In Spanish, she doesn’t remember if Alejandro’s father is a “director” (which could be translated as director, manager, and even principal, but also CEO) and “directivo” (executive or CEO). I settled for initials salad.

There is a bit of dialogue at the end that was cut from the episode version. The girls present their final arguments in the Viriandro vs Aleviri debate… which ironically, foreshadowed the Norandro vs Alenora shipname wars. It appears as if most of the fandom has settled on Norandro, at last.

Viri: It’s that, it’s like a Greek god.

Cris: What are you, Voldemort or something?

Viri: It’s like, it’s funny because it’s like a Greek god, like Viriandro is a Greek god sort of name. Yeah, it’s super neat.

Cris: It’s a gladiator name, dude!

Almost totally off topic linguistics note: The girls use the English loanword “ship” in the fandom sense. The verb had obviously crossed language lines in fandom spaces years ago, but it became part of mainstream Spanish culture (yes, really) when Operación Triunfo became big last year, and everyone was shipping couples from the show. The interesting part is that Spanish speakers came up with two declensions for the Spanish form of the verb: “yo lo shippeo” (I ship it) and “yo lo shippo” (again, I ship it). People who had been in fandom longer leaned towards “shippeo” (and so do I!), so I find it aesthetically pleasing that the girls favor that declension.  

CLIP 4: Eva shoots his shot. It doesn’t go well.

I was certain Jorge’s secret would have to do with one or both his parents being unemployed, so at the time I made note of the fact that one of the apartments he walks by is up for sale. It’s the reddish orange sign at the 10:06 mark.

The song that plays at the end of the clip is Zahara’s El Frío, but it has been edited. These are the lyrics that have made it to the clip: “I didn’t expect that the one who started all the fires would also be the one to put them out. How did you let the cold inside you, it has destroyed everything.”

CLIP 5: Speederman

This has to be a change from my high school years. I did the Cooper test in 3º ESO (the equivalent of 9th grade in the US) and never had to do it again through high school. 

More info on the Cooper test, in case you care. Not only was I not tested on a standard 400 m tartan track, but we were also not trained to perform it properly. Ah, high school PE!

Venom premiered in Spain the 5th of October. This clip dropped the 19th of October.

Yes, that is actually how we pronounce Spiderman in Spain.

I love that Nora is into Viri saying she loves anything that has to do with saving the world. Nora is so earnest, lol.

¿O qué vas a hacer, tía? ¿Quedarte en casa llorando? (“Or what do you have in mind, dude? Staying at home, crying?”): Another translation could be, “Or what are you going to do, dude? Stay at home and cry?” but I went with the line in the subs because I thought it flowed better.

Cómo jode que te dejen, ¿eh? (It sucks to be dumped, doesn’t it?): “Sucks” is a lot less charged than “joder,” which is the word Inés actually uses. I guess you’d have to say “fucking sucks” to get the intensity across. You’ll have to make do with Inés’ line delivery.

CLIP 6: Ride of the Valkyries

As it turns out, Alba Planas is also a fan of og Skam, so I’m going to pretend Eva’s string of sorries is also an homage to Tarjei’s delivery.

This scene was shot right outside of Cine Paz. 

Pero no me seáis pavas (“But don’t be silly”): Viri says “pavas,” which is hard to translate. Essentially, Viri’s afraid the girls are going to embarrass her in front of Alejandro, either unintentionally or (not unlikely given this group) intentionally. I.e. they’re not going to behave maturely in front of him.

Madre mía (Good heavens): Okay, so I already talked in the post for episode 5 about the way Amira uses interjections that aren’t swear words, and this is an example of it. “Madre mía” literally means “mother of mine” and it’s basically meaningless as an interjection. What matters is the tone you add to it. In this case, Amira’s impatient that the girls are getting distracted chatting about whatever, instead of going into the theater. I don’t love “good heavens” as it has Christian connotations. On the other hand, “geez” feels too short for how impatient Amira sounds.

It took me a while to realize this, but this clip actually has an og equivalent. This would be the clip where Vilde notices William and Sara hooking up, and looks devastated. Skam España chooses to go about it in a totally different way, with the girls backing Viri up as they walk in.

CLIP 7: Tout le monde veut devenir un cat

Sí, hija, sí (“Yeah, girl, yeah”): Jorge actually calls Eva “daughter,” lol. Much like with tío and tía, we might call anyone “son” or “daughter.” I’ve even caught myself using it on my own parents! If I have the right info, this is also common in Latin American countries, except they use “mijo” and “mija,” instead. “Hijo” or “hija” is more affectionate than “tío” or “tía,” although, much like with “madre mía,” it’s used to express a variety of emotions. Here, Jorge is dismayed that his chocolate romance went awry.

Pretty sure those are knockoff peanut M&Ms. Most likely from the Spanish grocery chain Mercadona.

The song that plays at the end of the clip and through the credits is Bely Basarte’s Mariposas. You can find a translation here. 

Tomás Aguilera, who plays Jorge, has managed to be almost impossible to find online. However, his instagram bio makes reference to the French version of the Aristocats song Everybody wants to be a cat. It’s adorable.

Social media:

The girls talk about the Zaorejas random again, Cris notes that he looked young enough as to be in ESO, or MSE, Mandatory Secondary Education. MSE runs through the equivalents of 7th to 10th grade in the US. 

[rin-rue]

Cringe (Steve Rogers x Reader) One-shot

Warning:18+ and dark themes.

Song inspiration: Cringe- Matt Maeson

It’s been ten years. Ten long years since Bucky’s been gone. It was hard the first time to lose my best pal, but this time…it was different. I thought we would be okay again, be able to live out our days together, but he just couldn’t deal with his demons. I couldn’t stop him from leaving and he didn’t want me to.

“You need to find someone that wants you to take care of them. You can’t save me Steve. I’m sorry.”

The moment he left I tried to pull it together, tried to set my feelings aside, but those would be his last words to me, and the next week I would find out he put a bullet through his brain. I loved him, and I drove him away.

After his funeral, I met her. The woman I would love with all my being but would always let down. Her eyes were the kindest and she was so pure. She didn’t deserve what I did to her. All the alcohol and drugs. The fights, the blood, the late nights. She stayed through it all. She was so strong when I wasn’t. I needed help and she helped me.

She took me out, she kept me busy and I learned how to channel my anger into helping people, and I felt good. I was me again.

I stopped drinking and smoking. I stopped getting into fights and stopped yelling at her. I got better, and we got better.

I loved her and she loved me, we got married and settled down. I became “dad” and she became “mom”. We had two precious girls and later she also gifted me a son. We were happy.

But that all changed.

We lost a baby

I relapsed.

I got better.

But there was still something wrong.

The dreams of him kept coming, I could never save him in time.

 I look at the bottle of pills spilled over the bathroom counter and looked at the ugly monster that showed its face in me. What had I become? I was supposed to be Captain America, I was a husband and a father now. I couldn’t be doing this, other lives depended on me.

I tried to keep up the act, so y/n wouldn’t know, but she did. I would see less of her as the days went on. At the end of the day it wouldn’t be her I was sleeping next to at night, it was a broken woman with sad eyes that were once filled with love. I was no longer the man she wanted.

 The alcohol was the next to touch my lips.

“Steve?” She walks over to me and sets down a stack of papers on my desk. “You need help.”

“I’m just tired…” I watch as she grimaces.

“You’re just tired…well so am I.” I set down my beer and grab the papers.

“Divorce? Y/n you don’t want this, do you?” She evades my eyes and moves towards the door. I reach out to her, but she pulls back quickly.

“I love you Steve, but you aren’t the same man. First it was Bucky…I know it was hard, God Steve I know, but we got through it, didn’t we? We’ve been together ten years, married for eight. We were so good Steve.” She slides down the door way and onto the floor.

“Do you hate me now? I can’t even touch you without you-.”

“We both lost a child Steve, we both lost Bucky…it isn’t fair that I always have to be the strong one. Nothing is fair!” She bursts into tears and slams her hand down on the ground. I crouch down and brush the hair away from her eyes. She was so pale and so fragile, I feared losing her. “What’s wrong with us Steve?” she whispers and shakes her head.

“I make you cringe now…I’m nothing but a man that brings his family pain. I’m so so sorry y/n, you don’t deserve this…” She places a hand on my cheek and traces circles with her thumb.

“I’m sorry too…I’m sorry that I couldn’t make you see what was in front of you, instead of looking to the past. I failed you that way.”

“Y/n don’t apologize, it’s my fault. It’s all my fault…I couldn’t save him. I couldn’t even be there for you when you needed me. I was supposed to be your support, but I-I.”

“Steve stop doing this to yourself...”

 That was the last night we slept in the same bed. The last night we shared a home. I moved back into my old apartment with Sam and went to meetings at the VA with him. He got me a job. He tried his best to get me out of the house, but I still never felt happy.

After three months of recovery, I was allowed to go back to the Avengers Tower and start over to hopefully become Captain America again. I was welcomed back with open arms from everyone, but not from the one person that mattered. Y/n would only talk to me through Sam. I understood she needed time away from me and how bad our life had been, but I still loved her. Thankfully I was able to see the kids on my time off, with the supervision of Sam.

One night as I laid in bed, I recounted all my memories I had with y/n, all the good and the bad. All her smiles and laughs, the way she would part her hair, and the way she would bite the side of her lip if she was nervous or thinking. One memory stuck out in my head and it was one I wish I could forget.

 “Steve? Oh my God!” Her arms wrap around me and pull me up into her lap, “Steve, please!” A hand wipes the tears and sweat from my face. I’ve hit rock bottom.

“I’m so sorry y/n…I just miss him.”

“And that gives you the right to hurt yourself!?” Her voice cracks and soon tears spill down her face, “Just because he’s gone, doesn’t mean you need to go too. You have a family! Two little girls and a little boy who love you! You can’t leave them Steve.”

I shut my eyes and sob loudly. I hear a soft knock on my bedroom door and hear Sam walk in. “You okay man?” I sniff and wipe my face with the side of my arm.

“Yeah, I’m just just, I just love her so much.” He sits down at the edge of my bed.

“You need to show her you can be responsible and a husband, a father. That’s all she wants. You need to start taking care of yourself, man. Just give it a little time.” I nod and pick up my phone.

“Do you think it would be alright if I phoned her? Just to say goodnight to the kids…and her.” He pats my shoulder and sighs.

“I suppose it would be okay. Night Cap.” He leaves my room and shuts the door. I flip open my phone and type in the numbers then listen to it ring.

“Hello?” it was a man’s voice.

“Uh yeah, hi. Is this y/n’s number?” The man pauses a second then speaks again.

“Yeah, yeah it is, who is this?”

“Steve, her husband. Who are you?” I could feel anger bubble up inside me. Suddenly the man’s voice was replaced with hers.

“Steve, why are you calling? It’s late.” She didn’t sound very impressed.

“Who was that?!”

“My brother Steve! It’s my brother! He came to stay with me and help out because you-“ She goes silent and I hear my son’s voice asking to her who she was talking to. “Steve, James wants to talk to you.”

“Daddy?” his soft voice says excitedly, I feel my heart ache “When are you coming home?”

“I’m not sure buddy. Daddy’s still in recovery.”

“Fighting your monsters?” My breath hitches in my throat. “Mama says its like fighting all the bad guys.”

“Yeah, Buck it is…how is your mother? Your sisters?”

“They’re annoying and mom is..” I laugh “…she’s sad daddy. She cries a lot and stays in your room. Come home.”

“I will soon. Tell your mama goodnight and make sure you give her lots of hugs and kisses. I gotta go.”

“Okay, love you daddy.”

“Love you too, goodnight.” He hangs up and I set my phone down beside me.

 As time went on, the world started becoming a better place. There wasn’t as much crime or enemies to fight and all the darkness that once resided in me, had packed his bags and left during the night. I was finally back, and I intended to stay like this. There was something I needed to do and I needed help.

“So you want me to hold a press conference?” Tony says leaning back in his chair, “What for?”

“Its not a press conference. It’s a birthday party for y/n.”

“Yeah but with the press. Why do you need them there?”

“Because I need to give a public apology.”

 Sam had y/n and the kids out for the day, while the rest of the team and I got the Tower ready for the party. All her favourite foods and drinks were all set out on large tables and I had gotten Tony to gather all our family pictures and put them into a collage on the walls. Everything looked great.

I walk around the room and look at every photo. We had wedding photos, funny photos of us and the kids, but as the years went by, the smile she had became more forced. That was something I could never be able to make up for, all the lost time.

 I soon got a message from Sam saying they were on their way and I quickly got everyone to their places. All the press sat in their seats and all our friends and family were seated as well. All I had to do was wait. I stand up at the podium and take a deep breath. The doors at the back swing open and Sam walks in with y/n behind him, she stops and looks around at the silent room filled with people. The kids run up and find the rest of the avengers.

“I know everyone is wondering why I called you all here today. Well, I would like to send out a public apology.” I look down at y/n and our eyes meet “You all may think that I am a hero, that I’m perfect, but I’m far from that. I have struggled with my addictions to alcohol and drugs, that I tried to use as methods to get past the pain that I was feeling inside me after losing a close friend.” Sam smiles up to me and nods for me to continue “I was at my worst when I met the woman that saved me. She pulled me out of the darkness and showed me love and that life was worth living. I married that woman. I made it my goal to love and cherish her, but I let her down.”

She walks further up the aisle and watches me closely. “We were lucky enough to be blessed with a beautiful family of two daughters and a son, but the pain of losing our fourth child pushed me over the edge. When I should have been there to comfort her, I relapsed and began to tear our relationship apart. We were supposed to be a team, and my selfishness and recklessness almost cost me everything.” I felt the sting of hot tears run down my cheeks “Y/n I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I put you through so much. I wasn’t a husband, I wasn’t a father, I wasn’t a friend or lover…I was nothing but a poor excuse of a man.” My voice cracks,

 “I love you with my whole body and soul and I want to make it up to you. So I’m making a public promise to you that I will never become that man again. I promise to love and to hold you like I should have. I promise to take you out dancing and to treat you with the respect you deserve, and I promise that I will be there for you when you need me. I will never put my troubles above ours as a family. I love you y/n and I need you. I need your love and your touch. I want us to be a family again, I need my best friend.” The room erupts in applause and camera’s flash, but the only person I could look at was y/n. I walk off the stage and towards her, she runs to me and wraps her arms around me and presses her lips to mine. “Happy Birthday y/n.” She laughs through her tears then kisses me again. I lift her up and grip her waist as she hugs my neck.

“Steve, I missed you so much. Come home.”

“That’s all I’ve wanted for so long.”

[technicolorfamiliar]

Global Spirit Tour: 2017 - 2018

Prologue:

Something weird happened early in 2017.

I was looking for a song to lip synch to. In drag.

This was for a one-off performance with the improv group I was part of at the time. We had a string of a few LGBTQ events, and drag lip synchs were becoming a regular part of our season. I needed a song, and I needed to pick something I knew no one else in the group would choose. As someone who is secretly very competitive (and someone who knows I perform on stage better as a man anyway), finding the perfect song and perfect character to fit the song was stressing me out. So I turned to my beloved 80's New Wave station on Pandora for inspiration.

Eventually, the inspiration I desperately needed presented itself (this is the Weird Thing). It was, of all things, Depeche Mode's "Stories of Old" from Some Great Reward, a song I knew and loved deeply as a teenager but hadn't actually heard or really listened to in years. And with the inspiration from the song came the core inspiration for my character. Suddenly, everything locked into place - the look, the hair, the clothes, the physicality (read: how provocative I could get away with being at what was technically a family friendly event). And with that perfect vision for my character, all thing things I loved about Depeche Mode when I was in high school came flooding back to me. Wave after wave of nostalgia, the kind that makes you realize, "this is why I am the way I am."

And so I was forcibly dragged back into all things Depeche Mode by one song, one incredibly underrated song stuck somewhere in the middle of what isn't even my favorite DM album.

(I ended up using a different song by a different band for the drag improv thing, at the directors' request, they thought something more well-known would be more appropriate, and at the time I agreed. But my character mood board was still very much focused on DM in the mid-80s.)

Funnily enough, at that same time, DM were about to release a new album and announce dates for their Global Spirit Tour. So the timing on my part worked out perfectly. I have a habit of rediscovering the music I loved in high school just as a bunch of new content is about to hit the internet (one day I'll write about how Danny Elfman and Oingo Boingo saved my life more than once).

For a little background, when I say I loved DM in high school, I mean that's when I first heard of them. I didn't grow up on Depeche Mode, as my parents - who were my major source of music recs until I was 15 - absolutely hated anything that had to do with 1980s synthpop, post-punk, or any other new wave music. But someone much older and much cooler than me gave me a mix tape with "In Your Room" on it and I was intrigued. That wasn't the DM song that sealed my fate as a fan. That was 100% "Never Let Me Down Again", but a nudge in the right direction was all I needed, and for that honest to god actual mix tape cassette, I am eternally grateful.

I was a teenager during the era of Playing The Angel, and I was lucky enough to see them on that tour with my best friend at the time. The tickets were my high school graduation present. Our seats were at the very back of what used to be the Nissan Pavilion in VA. I hardly remember anything about the show itself, and any pictures I must have taken on my old pocket digital camera are sadly lost.

Washington, DC:

It was 2017 before I managed to see another DM tour. For whatever reason, whether it was my busy work schedule, being broke, or waiting until shows were already sold out to look for tickets, I missed both the Sounds of the Universe and Delta Machine tours. So when the Spirit tour was announced, I was poised and ready to make what some people might consider irrational financial choices in order to see three separate shows between September 2017 and June 2018.

The lead-up to the September 7th show in DC was a lot of fun. I was going with my two close friends, so we enjoyed some additional bonding as we eagerly anticipated the show together. This was the only gig on the tour I saw with people I knew, and I have nothing against going to concerts by myself -- and sometimes traveling great distances to do so. But getting to share the excitement leading up to the actual day and at the event itself with two of my very good friends was really special. I'm really glad I got to share that experience with them, and have their positive, enthusiastic energy to draw on.

This is the part of the post where I go on a brief tangent about superfan elitism, bear with me: The hardcore DM fans would say, "Three shows? That's nothing." And I would say they're right, but that doesn’t make me any less of a fan. I could have gone to more shows, probably, but my bank account, my job security, and my sanity required that three be the maximum amount of shows I got to see on this specific tour. There are numerous ways a person can express their love of a band, a tv show, a piece of immersive theatre, or whatever. The level of insane superfan I am or am not does not mean that their music is any less important to me as an artist and as person. HOWEVER, the people who I encountered at these three DM shows who were on their phones the entire concert, people who had better seats than me who sat down completely unengaged the whole time, and the people making disrespectful and unrelated comments about the audience and the band themselves can go fuck themselves. That negative, attention seeking, distracting bullshit has no place down in the floor seats in front of the stage, they can go be terrible up in the mezzanine levels.

Which is exactly where my first show was spent.

Second or third tier seats for big arena shows are 1000% not worth whatever money you spend on them. They're too far away, and you're surrounded by people who act like they've never heard of the band they paid actual money to see. The only reason my friends and I were up there in the first place was because of how absurd the US ticket queueing system was for the first North American leg of the GST. I, like many others, have a lot of issues with how that was handled and am glad they scrapped it for the second round of US shows.

I'm glad I had my two friends with me at the DC show, though. The three of us were maybe the only people having a genuinely fun time in our section. This first show for me was the only one where I cried. I wasn't expecting to, but hearing and seeing Martin sing "Home" struck something in me. And then "Heroes". I knew it was coming, but it still managed to really resonate on a deep emotional level. I love David Bowie as much as they do, but knowing that "Heroes" was how Dave was initially asked to be in the band, and my own personal feelings and connections to Bowie, hearing Dave sing it as well as he did was everything in that moment.

I have a number of issues with that show in DC, but none of them have anything to do with DM or the show itself. They played more songs from Spirit at this show than at any of the others I attended, but there was also "Corrupt" and "Wrong", "A Question of Lust" and "Somebody". It was also the longest set list of out of the three shows, with 22 songs total, which is rare for them, from what I understand, because of how intense their live shows are, especially for Dave (which I got to experience more closely at the other two shows). His presence on stage radiates to the rafters of huge venues like the Capital One Arena -- but more about Dave in a minute. I can talk about how good they sounded in DC, and how much hearing those songs live meant to me on that night during that time in my life, how I felt the synths and bass and percussion in my bone marrow and in my soul, but I can't really talk about the all-consuming, sweaty frenzy of experiencing a show like theirs from the floor. For that, I need to talk about Berlin and Philadelphia.

Berlin:

So DM announced more dates in Europe. And, because I'm insane I guess, was online at some ungodly hour when tickets went on sale for the two shows in Berlin, Germany in January. I was able to get an early entry ticket for the January 19th show in BERLIN where I would be surrounded by other people who were actually genuinely excited to be there, which would be a huge improvement after the lackluster crowds in DC.

Am I glad I did it? Yes. Would I do it exactly the same way ever again? Probably not. Because queueing overnight outside the arena was worth it for the concert experience itself, but it's not necessarily something I need to do again any time soon. I'm a weak, American fan, and I own that. The German DM fans go so fucking hard and I am absolutely terrified of them.

Somehow, I managed to get a spot on the barrier without any pushing or shoving. I wound up in the pocket where the main stage becomes turns into the catwalk, right in front of where Andy Fletcher has his set-up. On either side of me were two other women who also were there by themselves. They were nice enough to talk to me and keep me company while we waited.

The show, though.

My consciousness went… somewhere else. I can’t really compare the feeling to anything else I've experienced. I've been to some other really singularly wonderful concerts, to see bands and musicians that I have deep emotional ties to, but none of them have been like this. It's the combination of being part of the masses down on the floor, on the barrier, exhausted and sweating and euphoric, with the power and intensity of hearing and seeing Depeche Mode perform live. I was hyper-aware of everything happening in front of me. Time did something strange, it crawled by so slowly and yet it was over before I could register what happened. I was an outsider there, but I felt like I was part of this massive collective, all connected by our desire to be there, our love of the music, united for a few hours, and I was so aware that everything that was happening on stage and around us was happening to eary one of the people in that arena at once.

The sound of the ignition at the beginning of "Stripped" reverberating in your rib cage, the driving, head-banging riffs in "I Feel You," the cosmic outro of "Cover Me," the field of wheat arm-waving during "Never Let Me Down Again" -- having it all happen to you, at that volume, at that frequency and intensity, is like having your soul yanked from your body and cast into decadent oblivion.

Honestly, it was a blur. But as far as I can remember, highlights included:

The additional songs from Ultra! Unexpected, but very much appreciated.

Experiencing Andy Fletcher's ridiculous awkward dad dancing up close and in person. There's a lot of hype about Fletch's moves, but let me tell you, they exceed any expectation.

Martin. Martin sang "Sister of Night" AND "Judas". I was overcome. People talk about singers sounding like an angel, but Martin L. Gore is the only person in the history of music that saying actually applies to in full.

And Dave. If he was anything like he was at this show when they were at the DC show, I missed the fuck out. Because yes, he performs to the whole arena, even to the people in the very back, but it's altogether something else to watch someone that animated up close. He's tapping into some energy and fire to fuel his work that I've only rarely seen in other artists. Dave Gahan never phones it in, he always performs like he's got jet fuel for blood and like every show really means something. He is outrageous on stage, in every sense of the word. He is endlessly inspiring, and deserves so much recognition and respect.

Philadelphia:

That said… to me, it seemed like the band as a whole was having way more fun at the Philly show than they did in Berlin. I can't put my finger on the specific differences, but they seemed lighter, more pleased with their work, and maybe genuinely surprised at the warmth of their audience in Philly. Martin smiled a lot more at the Philadelphia show, and Dave seemed looser, maybe less tired after a double in Germany.

The Philly gig on June 3rd was the best, by far, out of the three. The second US leg of the GST was announced and I, of course, being the way that I am, thought, "FUCK IT WHY NOT" and magically got a floor seat ticket right in front of Martin's side of the stage after the general tickets went on sale. And it was worth every penny and a short train ride from Baltimore.

I met a few more very nice people, a couple from Florida (whose first show had been cancelled due to the major hurricane last year) and a solo lady sitting behind me who let me join their conversation. And the man sitting to my left was British? European? So he also knew all the things the audience is supposed to do during specific songs that I learned when I was in Berlin. There were definitely some bastard people in the crowd, even down on the floor, terrible people who clearly weren't enjoying themselves, but the high energy of everyone else made it easy to shift focus to the band.

The set list was very similar to the one I heard in Germany, with the exception of two of Martin's songs from Music For The Masses and "A Question of Time" right before their closer -- "Personal Jesus." But again, the performances and mood behind most of the songs at the Philly show seemed lighter, more playful and mischievous (on Dave's part). And the time really flew by. I missed "I Feel You" in the set list, but that's a very minor criticism of what was, over all, a miraculous third show out of three very powerful concerts.

Epilogue:

The general consensus among fans is that this may have been the last big tour Depeche Mode have. They may keep recording together and separately, but another tour on this massive scale is unlikely. If that's the case, I'm so glad I found a way to see three very different shows on the Global Spirit Tour. I can’t imagine experiencing the same exact feeling these shows gave me; I certainly didn't feel the same at David Byrne's awesome American Utopia tour show this summer, and I don't expect the feel the same when I see Nick Cave in October.

Depeche Mode, especially now, at this stage in their careers, during this time in American and world history, and for me personally at this specific point in my life as I age out of my 20s, have been a source of sanity and compassion, of deep feeling and social commentary. Their music touches maybe the parts of myself I'm too scared to look at head on. After going through some of the things that have happened to me as an adult, and as I figure out the kind of person I want to be in the coming decade, obviously there are certain themes resonate with me more than they did when I first discovered DM as a teen. I am grateful to have had circumstances happen the way they did to lead me back to Depeche Mode, to delve deep into their music and history.

Those three shows changed the my standards for seeing live music. After being front row for the Berlin concert, how could I ever go back to being content sitting up in the second or third tier for any arena show? I've been spoiled.

And after a few months have passed, when I think about my experiences over the course of the Global Spirit Tour, it doesn't quite feel real. There are a few other concerts I've been to where when I think about it, I think, "Did that actually happen??" (Namely seeing Danny Elfman in Los Angeles on Halloween, 2014. Absolutely bonkers.) Seeing DM in Berlin is definitely one of those moments already, not even a year later.

I look forward to the future of their music. If Depeche Mode tour again, and that's a big if, the furthest I would travel to see them is maybe the UK, but hopefully that won’t be necessary! However, I absolutely would go see a solo show, if Martin or Dave ever had shows anywhere even remotely close by. I would absolutely travel to New York or LA to see a solo Martin show or Dave with Soulsavers. From what I can tell those venues are usually smaller, so it would be easier to have a more enjoyable, intimate experience.

But that's all there is. Nothing more than you can feel now, that's all there is.

Until next time.

Photo by me, Jan 19, 2018

[soveryanon]

Aaand reviewing time for MAG142.

- I have no idea whether it was a conscious decision or a recording accident, but Jonny’s voice, when reading the episode title… was different – less filtered, closer, with more “grain”? And it was telling you, right away, that something would be off and different.

- VA E. Lockley was… incredible and yeah, the woman’s delivery (the distress, the stuttering, the messiness, the slightly rambly bits)… made her feel even more present and “close” than Helen (in MAG047) for me. Character-with-her-own-situation, who got messed up, who is in distress, who is not fine and is trying not to crumble. There were even a few parallel with her experience (after the Buried encounter) and Jon’s, post-Prentiss, that made her even more heartbreaking: like him, she did physio (MAG050, Tim: “Well, there was a police woman asking after you. You know, the one who came to look into Gertrude. […] Uh… yesterday. You were at physical therapy.”); unlike him, she went to therapy (MAG058, Martin: “Look, look, you just got to let me work through this. Alright? I suggested therapy, but he just says no, so–”) and… like she said, “did everything [she] was supposed to do”:

(MAG142) WOMAN: I had pretty bad, uh, nightmares, claustrophobia, I mean… Obviously, right? But, uh, but–but I did my physio, and, you know, talked wi–with the counsellor they gave me? Look, I did everything I was supposed to, and–and yeah, I… I guess I was fine.

… and everything got utterly ruined because of what Jon did to her, while she doesn’t even have enough knowledge to blame him. But we… we know. It was very important to hear her voice indeed? And Martin handled her with proper care – not doubting for one instant that she was telling the truth, leaving her space to tell her story, validating her, even though the story wasn’t what he wanted to hear… or what we wanted to hear, either. (And because of the content of the story: no, there is no way she could have been written as lying or putting things out of proportions – she even pointed out how the police would treat her, it would be absolutely insensitive to write someone filing a harassment complaint as lying or misinterpreting things. So, everything she told really happened to her in the TMA-verse, even though it’s not a pleasant truth.)

- … yeah, so we have Jon going after “stories”: they’re not “statements” anymore, he didn’t use his markers (“Statement begins/Statement ends”) with Floyd and the woman didn’t make any mention of them either, nor did he give the date and the person doing the recording – we only had an indication about the date thanks to the (meta) episode case. It’s not about archiving, it’s about… consumption. And he’s not receiving the stories either: he’s extorting them, forcing people, instead of them coming to him (as statement-givers coming to the Institute). It’s even more symbolically significant that Daisy went to talk to Martin right after the woman’s departure since… so far, Daisy had been the only person we knew for sure had been forced to give her statement, back in MAG061, as she pointed out to Basira later:

(MAG061) ARCHIVIST: Whatever you like! Fourteen years, you must have seen a number of paranormal things. DAISY: And you want me to tell you about them? ARCHIVIST: I–I… DAISY: Okay. ARCHIVIST: What? DAISY: Okay! I’ll give you a statement, about how I got my first section 31. You look surprised. ARCHIVIST: I mean, I was largely asking as a formality. Basira didn’t give the impression you were the… sharing sort. DAISY: Maybe you caught me in a good mood. […] ARCHIVIST: Right! Thank you! Are you quite alright? DAISY: No. I never told that story to anyone except my old Sergeant. ARCHIVIST: I’m not sure I, uh… DAISY: I should go.

(MAG091) BASIRA: Just let him go. DAISY: You don’t know what he is. You don’t know what it’s like to have your secrets pulled out like teeth, just because he asked?

It had been… softer and subtler, when he had done that – it was striking that Daisy didn’t want to talk, until Jon began to probe and she began to accept (Jon himself had been surprised by the change); the compulsion had only been confirmed by her harsh departure and the way she recalled the events. Meanwhile, the woman, in MAG142, was absolutely preyed upon, cornered, violated, and her voice actor did a fantastic job? But oh Lord, was it so, so hard to listen to, even without factoring in that it was Jon doing that to her. I think we’d never had something this violent and desperate…?

Meanwhile, from Jon’s portrayal in MAG142 (two weeks ago) and what we saw in MAG141, he seems to be getting more… frantic? He waited for a while before interacting with the woman, but he almost jumped on Floyd, although he had just been told they would still be sailing for two days (so they would be stuck on the same boat for a while). And it does… kind of fit with something we know about Jon:

(MAG092) ARCHIVIST: And you can’t just give me all of the statements? ELIAS: Jon, even when you had them all at your disposal, you barely got through one statement a week. Why do you think that is? It takes its toll on you. And I know you’ve had problems with moderation.

… that little problem about “moderation”. (Which was probably tying in with the fact that he used to smoke before the Institute, and has been back to smoking at least by the end of season 2, when he left Leitner to have a cigarette – and he still had cigarettes on him when Daisy went through his stuff in MAG091 and with Gerry in MAG111. Not to mention the whole Web lighter affair, whatever it’s actually doing to him.) It’s also… kinda… relevant… that The Woman in MAG142 described him as being fed through her reopened trauma:

(MAG142) WOMAN: His eyes, like… his eyes, like, we–were… drinking in every fragment of my misery. I can’t… It… [PAUSE] And then it was over. And he looked… he looked at me like he’d just eaten… like, a perfectly cooked steak.

Because Elias had narrated Beholding’s influence on “The Archivist” as creating hunger, precisely:

(MAG120) ELIAS: And at last, the Archivist looks up. At last, he looks into The Eye that sees all, and knows all, and clutches at the secret terrors of your heart. The Ceaseless Watcher of all that is, and all that was; the voracious, infinite hunger that tears at his soul, invoking him to discover, to observe, to experience all and everything and forever.

Fuck you, Beholding.

… and I’ll allow myself One Joke about the whole ordeal, because:

(MAG115) ARCHIVIST: [DEEP SIGH] I suppose in some ways it’s strange I’m not a vegetarian yet, what with everything I know. But… I rather think someone in my position has to take their small pleasures where they can, and if it occasionally delights some grotesque meat-god, well… c’est la vie.

You REALLY should have tried to go vegetarian back then, Jon :/

- … Which makes it a bit curious that he… was described as “tired”, then?

(MAG142) MARTIN: … Ah, uh, alright. Hum… Did he… [SIGH] … Did he look like he hadn’t slept in like– WOMAN: Mm–mm. MARTIN: –a week? WOMAN: Yep, uh… MARTIN: … Right…

Like, obviously, it was… in a dark humour way, hilarious that Martin was able to guess it was Jon with just “someone from your Institute stalking me” and that his way of describing Jon was to point out the lack of sleep – Jon Is A Perpetual Tired Man and this is the man Martin has a crush on. Confirmation that it’s not about physical appearances (Canonically mlm and hot Tim was RIGHT THERE, Martin, and you went for “that”, and we still don’t know why or when it began, but there’s still so much room to shame your tastes.)

But you would think that… if Jon had been going around pulling statements out of (unwilling) people, he would be/look… rested? Well? So: was she the first one? Was Jon trying to avoid his dreams, until he snapped? Is this a matter of “starving” and only going for it when he was too hungry…?

- ;; Jon looked… so one-dimensional in that state? And as Martin said amongst his hypotheses, all “instinct”. Which makes me think about three things, and they’re not happy:

* Mike smelling a prey, actually?

(MAG075, Stephen Walker) “It was as Grant was making his gradual ascent that I saw the man with the scar. He was stood there, just across the street, watching us. […] His pale eyes were entirely focused on Grant making his excruciating way up the ladder. If he noticed me watching him, he gave no sign of it.” (MAG091) MIKE: A… uh, a Paris skyscraper, was it you said? I honestly, I, I can’t say I recall it in detail, but that does… sounds about right. Sometimes it’s hard to keep track.

(DO YOU KEEP TRACK, JON.)

* The whole thing about the Creature Under Alexandria reaching for Sergeant Walter Heller (especially since… Heller might have had a Spooky encounter before meeting it? So was it attracted to that story?) and HUM…

(MAG092) ARCHIVIST: So it’s… it’s back to breadcrumbs, and statements, and risking my life talking to things that barely remember how to be human anymore? […] Am I… Elias, am I still human? ELIAS: Jon, what does human even mean? I mean, really? You still bleed, you can still die. And your will is still your own, mostly. That’s more than can be said for a lot of the “real’ humans out there. … You’re worried about ending up like that thing, lurking in the dirt under the streets of Alexandria? Don’t be. Just do what you need to, and you’ll be fine. Understood?

Elias, why are you so full of lies. (Though it’s possible that, indeed, Jon didn’t do “what he needs to”, and that he’s been… doing extra-work/is out of control. But MMMM. MMMMM.)

* *CRIES IN TIM*

(MAG114) TIM: So, why don’t you “Archivist” me, then? Just pull it straight out. ARCHIVIST: Because I don’t want to! I am not your enemy, Tim. TIM: [DISMISSIVELY] Like that matters! These things aren’t human. It’s… instinct. You can’t not. ARCHIVIST: [SOFTLY] I’m still me, Tim. [TIM HUFFS] I’m still… me. TIM: [EXHALES DEEPLY] … You know what? You’re actually right.

LIKE WOW??? RUDE??? TIM STOKER DIDN’T GO OUT WITH A BANG FOR THIS??? (It’s… super-upsetting, to me, that Jon Is Currently what Tim had accused him of being/turning into back at the time ORZ ORZ And if we get Jon back, and/or if he’s confronted about it, I wonder if… the fact that he would be disappointing Tim would be a point to be made.)

- So, turns out that MAG141 indeed wasn’t a first try, and there is the obvious question of… how long Jon has been extorting live-statements here and there, since the fact that we didn’t hear any recording of the woman beforehand means that we haven’t been hearing Everything of Jon’s spook-related activities before MAG141. Possibilities regarding the turning point:

* Since Jon woke up and was released from the hospital (after MAG122).

* Since… after the coffin? Given Elias’s comment in MAG135 (“Consider it a test – things are… coming, things that will need Jon to be far stronger and more willing to use his connection to our patron. His performance during The Unknowing was… disappointing. I needed a way to force him to harness his ability more acutely than he had before. The coffin was a useful tool; Daisy an adequate bait.”), I don’t really feel like it could have been a thing before – I mean, the way Jon behaved in MAG141 and was described in MAG142 screamed “very willing to use his connection to their patron”… And Jon had mentioned a few things after the coffin:

(MAG135) ARCHIVIST: I don’t… like interacting with the rest of the Institute these days. The way they look at me, I– … I don’t know. I don’t know what they’ve heard, what the rumours going around are, but… they have definitely heard something…! [SIGH] And they can’t wait until they don’t have to talk to me anymore. Can’t honestly say I blame them, none of this is easy. Everyone’s just trying to get through as best they can. Living one day at a time. [SIGH] But I can’t afford to be just living one day at a time, I need… a plan. But I don’t even know what I’m trying to achieve… And no one… no one wants to tell me.

(MAG137) ARCHIVIST: Ever since I crawled out of that damn coffin, I feel like I’ve been… adrift. Filling in blanks and diving into History, but only…! [EXASPERATED SIGH] The breadcrumbs I’m finding are… stale. Old. … What the hell is The Watcher’s Crown? […] I feel like I’m on a deadline, like I’m running out of time somehow – and I don’t even know where to go! What to look for, o–or… [EXHALE] Just casting around blindly for more clues to just… drop into my lap. Everyone else is… running towards something, or running away, and I… [SIGH] I don’t know what I’m doing. [PAUSE] [SIGH] I’m just tired. Think I might go lie down for a while. Get a cup of tea. [HUFF]

(Though, I feel like this option is reaching and stretching… a lot: because DUH, the staff would have had a lot of reasons to be wary of Jon or of the Archives in general without even factoring in the possibility of rumours that Jon had been mentally manhandling people (he… was losing it a bit already in season 2? He ran away and got accused of murder for two months before coming back? He spent six months in a coma after a wax museum exploded? Tim was ranting to everyone about being bound to the Archives, and people thought it was mostly depression, but then he died in said explosion?); and DUH, Jon would feel aimless after the coffin, when his return to the Institute had been a succession of settling back in, trying to get updated on the assistants’ current state, saving Melanie from the bullet, almost immediately focusing on the Rescue Daisy mini-arc from episode 128 to 132, leading to her coming back and… then nothing else, no Main Goal anymore, and just time passing.)

The biggest clue that someone could have been happening behind the scene after the coffin is Jon’s intake of statements: there were 10 between MAG122 (February 15th?, Jon waking up) and MAG132 (March 24th, inside of the coffin), including one extracted statement (Breekon’s, MAG128), one tape from Gertrude (with Lucia, MAG130), one live-statement (Jared’s, MAG131) and one recording from Jon (rescuing Daisy, MAG132), so 9 “active” pieces of content in six weeks if you exclude Gertrude’s… and then, only six until the end of May (MAG140), including one recording from Gertrude (MAG137), so five “active” pieces of content in two months if you exclude hers (+ 2 statements read by Martin, if assistants count – they seemed to, back in season 3, since Elias was pushing them to regularly read statements because Jon was “too inconsistent” about it).

* Since after MAG139, because Jon tried to sneak a peek at Peter’s plans and it backfired. It could have the added tragic bits that… Jon had been wary of his Inner Door, told Basira that opening it would mean drowning; and he eventually purposefully tried very hard to Know about something, deliberately… because he was too worried for Martin.

* Since after MAG140 and Basira told him about the plan to Ny-Ålesund.

MAG142 gives more credentials to a change having happened around MAG139/MAG140 on account of the given timeline:

(MAG140) BASIRA: Summer solstice is the 21st of June. So we leave in a fortnight. ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] … Right. BASIRA: And should arrive about a week before.

(MAG142) WOMAN: Look, life went back to… normal, I… I was fine. Until… [CHOKING] about two weeks ago. MARTIN: And that was when you met J– … Er, one of our employees. WOMAN: … That’s when he showed up.

Which means the succession of events was likely:

MAG139: somewhere at the end of May => MAG140: one day after MAG139 (Jon referred to it as “yesterday”) => events described in MAG142 => Jon&Basira departing => MAG141 (June 11th) => MAG142 (June 12th).

If Jon had been going around taking statements for a long while, I think the woman’s story would have been dated from a few more weeks, or months prior, just to get that point across? Though it’s also possible that, like MAG141, the date is a red herring to keep us into a false sense of (relative) security still: Floyd’s story is mysterious enough that it might contain something that could be used against The Dark, so there is still the possibility that Jon extorted it for that reason… but MAG142 was without hesitation a Buried one, so not actual data, so it has nothing to do with actual information but just about feeding, and we’re slowly running out of rational explanations which could motivate Jon’s sudden harshness (“it’s because it was important information, and just one time, to someone mostly innocent but involved in fishy business with a reccurring character” => “there was no relevant information to the current case, and Jon had done this to people before, and he targeted absolutely innocent people”) so… could be that It All Began just before the trip, or could be that we will discover that it had been going on for longer than that.

- However long Jon has been doing that… I don’t think that the punchline was that he had been utterly lying on tape throughout all of season 4? Honestly, I… wouldn’t find this interesting – I’m too used to twists being that your (unreliable) narrator was actually Evil/Really Bad all along and, precisely, the series had taken a more interesting approach with this in season 1 (with the fact that Jon appeared as pompous and elitist and sceptic and dry… and, okay, was a bit of that, but also scared and trying to hide it), so it would feel a bit of a let-down if that was the case in the end? And we’ve had a few occurrences of Jon not immediately being aware that he was recorded (he hadn’t spotted the tape recorder at first in MAG122 and MAG123, the tape recorder was in Martin’s room in MAG129 when Jon entered), and he acted exactly the same as when he was in control of the recording. When he accidentally compelled Melanie in MAG136, he immediately apologised (which means he knew he had wronged her, which means he still had a spontaneous sense of morals, or at least, of understanding when he was crossing a line and doing something harmful and unwelcome).

One thing that might be true, however: if season 1 showed us one thing, it’s also… that through his recordings, Jon can present the world how he wishes it were. So, if he’s been… extorting and assaulting people for their stories all along, I really don’t think he lied and feigned the empathy for the victims, nor the fact that he was feeling doubts and concern, but more like, that he wished it were as simple as this…? Though it would also come across as a very… unsavoury way to Appeal For His Life – there is a big distinction about sighing about his inhumanity because he’s feeling aimless and unsure of what he’s supposed to do, and doing it while aware that he’d be causing harm here and there.

And the thing with MAG141 and MAG142 is that it’s supposed to feel like a shock; there was no progression(/degression) in Jon’s speeches during the season, no growing apathy towards victims. He kept expressing sadness and uneasiness! Before trying to take a look at Peter’s plan, he had launched into a rant about having “feelings” and “doubts”! It’s not even that he was feeling more and more isolated – since he got Daisy back, they’ve been bonding, Jon confessed to liking her (… and even went to such extremes as listening to The Archers with her). And suddenly, we’re faced with Jon doing… a complete face-heel turn: there is nothing comparable, nothing… progressive between the way he “extracted” Breekon’s statement in MAG128 (partially in defense, because Breekon was on the verge of attacking Basira) and received Jared’s in MAG131 (something that Jared forced on him: Jon had just been told that someone had commanded the attack over the Institute, and Jared went for that form and made it a deal against Jon’s rib), and going… after innocents, as consumption, as food, because statements are a “meal” and he doesn’t care much if that means wrecking people forever. The woman from MAG142 was the most innocent you could ever get: she didn’t know about the Magnus Institute, didn’t want to tell what had happened to her, didn’t even blame Jon for the after-effects and her reopened wounds (“Look. I know that’s not… [CHUCKLE] That is my brain. I’m not blaming him for, for being in my dreams. You know, I guess I can’t! [SNIFF] That’s absurd, right? It’s not… [PAUSE] But I feel like I’m seeing him when I’m awake, as well?” … although we know that it was directly his fault). She didn’t even express contempt or disrespect at Martin; she was calm, her story didn’t involve any shady business. She had her initial trauma and, as she said, she worked and fought by herself to get well (“But, uh, but–but I did my physio, and, you know, talked wi–with the counsellor they gave me? Look, I did everything I was supposed to, and–and yeah, I… I guess I was fine.”) before Jon came in and ruined her life – she can’t work anymore, her whole ability to function has been impacted, she’s in clear distress. What Jon did to her was… absolutely unwarranted and gratuitous. And… honestly, except for willingly launching The Watcher’s Crown, I have trouble picturing what he could possibly do that would be worse than this?

Season 4, at least on tape, hasn’t been Jon’s slow descent into monsterhood; it has been a constant string of Jon expressing doubts, sadness for victims, and trying to regain contact with the assistants. So what happened, for him to suddenly dive in and become so instinctive…? Or if it had always been there, out of record, what was going through Jon’s head…? (What was going though Jon’s head, when he was watching the woman as she was waiting for her date…? Because she was alone, at first, and yet, he didn’t immediately came for her…)

Basically: we’re missing pieces, and that’s the point, but uuuuuh…

- Anyway, meanwhile, I’m guessing that Elias got put into solitary confinement because the amount of [PLEASURED EXHALATION] he must have breathed out in these past two weeks made the guards AND the other inmates too uncomfortable.

- Aaaand the trend of people who had a Beholding-related encounter and are especially uneasy at the Institute keeps going:

(MAG053) GERTRUDE: One other thing. That feeling of being watched… have you ever had it since? WALTER: Well, I wasn’t sure whether to say anything, but… yes, I have, just now. That… funny turn I took on the way down the stairs, I felt it again. All those eyes, watching me.

(MAG060, Rosa Meyer) “Not that I could rest anyway. Those eyes still haunt my dreams, and follow me through the waking world. Even here. Especially… here.”

(MAG142) WOMAN: But I feel like I’m seeing him when I’m awake, as well? I’ve been… I’ve been having a lot of problems, since he talked to me, well, since I talked to him. […] Every time I do, every time I get that… panic just rising up my throat… I see him. He’s there. Not when I look properly. But just at the edge. The corner of my eye. And he’s gone. […] I, I… I can’t… this place… I… I can’t be here. I have to… [OPENING DOOR] MARTIN: Uh, no– WOMAN: Bye!

Which. Is still a possible explanation as to why there are so few Beholding statements outside of the letters addressed to Jonah: because people have to be exceptionally tough to not feel crushed and even more pressured inside of the Institute, if they’ve already been marked/offered to Beholding.

- I… hadn’t really given much thought about it, but actually, the distinction between feeding/being fed from, for the Archivist, might be through respectively live and written statements? Back in season 3, Elias had highlighted to Jon that they were taxing on him, and Jon had mentioned to Georgie that he was experiencing the fears himself, when reading them:

(MAG089) JUDE: It’s like you’re not even listening. You have your god, as I have mine. Feed it, fearlessly and without hesitation, or it will feed on you. ARCHIVIST: But I don’t… I don’t… I mean, I mean, what do I feed it? JUDE: I don’t know? You’re the one it picked. Not a great choice, if you ask me.

(MAG091) MIKE: That’s… that’s all, I think. Since then I’ve embraced my new life; gladly fed that which feeds me.

(MAG092) ARCHIVIST: And you can’t just give me all of the statements? ELIAS: Jon, even when you had them all at your disposal, you barely got through one statement a week. Why do you think that is? It takes its toll on you. And I know you’ve had problems with moderation.

(MAG093) ARCHIVIST: You’ve seen monsters? GEORGIE: Not the time, Jon. ARCHIVIST: Right, it’s… it’s just I think I’m turning into one. GEORGIE: Really? That’s… not great. ARCHIVIST: Yeah. Ever since I took this job, I’ve felt a compulsion to read out some of the statements. The ones that really touched the supernatural. And when I do… I… I feel them. I feel their confusion and fear. I tried to write it off, but…

Though Jon doubled-over at the end of MAG094, after the Hellish Five Days covering MAG089 (Jude’s live), MAG091 (Mike’s live), MAG092 (Elias showdown), MAG093 (written statement), MAG094 (Georgie’s live). And a written statement was enough to perk him up in MAG107. But I wonder if, now that Jon has… “become something else”, the live-statements aren’t precisely feeding him, and more tempting, while the written ones make the Beholding feed from him…? The woman in MAG142 was insistent over the fact that Jon looked… replenished, after he was done with her, and Jon told Basira in MAG141 that Floyd’s was helping him to go “full power”, so it definitely looks like it’s the actual way to feed for an Archivist… while it used to be pretty neutral, effects-wise, before his coma?

(And even in season 4, Jon didn’t sound that much lively in MAG131, after taking Jared’s, so…? Was that because Jared is a spook, and it’s less nourishing? Or is it because a new dependency/feeding system has grown alongside Jon’s powers, developing through the ordeals – after the coffin in MAG132, and/or after he tried to take a look at The Lonely in MAG139?)

- Amongst things that have apparently changed, relatedly to Jon’s powers… the effects of taking live-statements did: Daisy and Basira only mentioned dreams, but the woman in MAG142 made it clear that it wasn’t just that. It sounds like, additionally to the dreams, Jon re-traumatised her (since she has been plagued with panic attacks every time she’s triggered, although she used to be able to handle it), which makes her relive the fear of The Buried… with additional Feeling Of Being Watched. So, feeding both The Buried and Beholding? (How come only The Lonely is financing the Institute and getting all chummy with them, then, if Beholding has the potential to give back to the other Fears the snacks that had managed to get away?)

So why did the live-statements Jon extorted have different effects than usual? Multiple parameters have changed since the ones from the first three seasons. Is it because he’s more The Archivist now, after having chosen, and this is what true full Archivists do to people? Is it because The Watcher’s Crown is coming closer and Beholding is reaching its peak power? I’m reminded of Smirke’s letter (MAG138), when The Eye was precisely haunting both his dreams and his daily world, and that’s how Smirke came to the conclusion that Jonah was on the verge of doing something regrettable. Other option: … Assuming there wasn’t any tape recorder indeed: is it because the statement hadn’t been recorded, back then, and the recorders alleviate the Beholding effect…? (=> I’m still amongst the people considering hard that the tape recorders are actually Web, so, it could be a matter of hijacking Beholding’s dominion a bit…?)

- ;; Whether The Watcher’s Crown attempt is planned for the end of season 4 or for later into season 5… you can feel, meta-wise, that Something Beholding is coming closer and closer. There had been very few statements about The Eye throughout the entire series so far (full-on Eye: MAG023, MAG53, MAG060, MAG120) and… we’re already at three new ones in season 4 – MAG127, MAG138, MAG142.

- One of the themes of the episode seems to be about the temptation of the Dread Powers: Lonely for Martin, Beholding for Jon, Hunt for Daisy.

(MAG142) MARTIN: Th–the worst part is I don’t even want to talk to him about it. I’m just… [SIGH] I suppose I’m just getting comfortable with the distance. [SIGH] Cut off. [DRY CHUCKLE] “Lonely”. [INHALE] Mind you, Peter’s not wrong. It really is easier than actually just trying to communicate with people. […] They told you about Elias, right? DAISY: Yeah…. Basira said. Don’t like him being alive. Trying not to think about it too much. Don’t want to get too angry. Start to… hear the… blood. […] MARTIN: I mean… I guess. It still sounds really dangerous. DAISY: Yeaaah. Wanted to go with them, protect them, but… [PAUSE] Life’s always more complicated than that, isn’t it? MARTIN: Not really.

Daisy got enough distance, in the coffin, to delimitate herself separately from The Hunt, which had shaped her life until now – it’s a looming threat, and keeping away from it means accepting sacrifices, in the form of not being there for the people she cares about (now, “Basira and Jon”: not Basira anymore):

(MAG132) DAISY: I’m sc–scared, but… Mm–mm… But I… I feel more, feel more m–me than I have for years. Maybe all my life… The, The Hunt was me, b–but I don’t, I don’t think I liked it. I think it just made me… need… it…  I hurt… a l–lot of people… and some who… who I shouldn’t have. Did you ever hear the, the story Elias told me? About what I did. How I am… He, he didn’t get a detail wrong. The Hunt… Hunger was in me all my life. Telling me who to chase, how to hurt them. I never needed to think… who I was outside of that. But down here, where I… I can’t hear the… blood anymore, I d–, I don’t… I don’t know who I am without, without the chase… I just know… that I… I don’t like who I was back outside. I don’t want to be her again. I want… to be… better…

(MAG133) ARCHIVIST: [EXHALES] She is trying to keep a clear head. Stay away from The Hunt as much as possible. You valued her purpose. Her resolve. The sort of things–

(MAG140) ARCHIVIST: Is Daisy coming? BASIRA: … No. ARCHIVIST: … Oh. I, I–I just thought– BASIRA: We’ve talked about it. If The Hunt takes her again… we don’t know if she’s coming back. And neither of us want that. ARCHIVIST: … No, o–of–of course.

As it was presented with the last two episodes, Jon crashed and burned himself through Beholding; whatever he is right now, however he thinks, he’s deep in – and though he may (or may not) have been initially trying to use his powers for good, or with a goal in mind… it’s now about consuming, about feeding, about indulging, whether he had realised it or not. Meanwhile, Martin is seeing appeal in the Lonely – Peter’s magic/management is doing its work (and Gerry had warned us that the Lukases were good at grooming their own). Respectively reformed, currently into it, and tempted to give in, because the powers offer something they crave: being a fighter and having the power to protect or to strike at those who offended her for Daisy, getting information, knowledge and obtaining new pieces to complete the ongoing puzzles for Jon, being at peace of mind and not heartbroken anymore for Martin.

(- And Martin has been closing himself off without… realising to which extent, apparently:

(MAG142) DAISY: Yeah. Just a… a bit empty around here. You know? MARTIN: Not really. DAISY: Melanie’s out, and… [EXHALE] Jon and Basira’re still off. Bit worried. But they can take care of themselves, you know? MARTIN: Again, not really. [SHORT HUMOURLESS LAUGHTER] No one talks to me anymore. […] Anyway. So, what’s this field trip they’re on? DAISY: They, uh… they didn’t tell you? MARTIN: [DRY CHUCKLE] No, I… What. … [QUICKLY] Daisy, where have they gone? DAISY: You know that town in Norway? MARTIN: What? I… Wai– Wh–what?! You don’t mean Ny-Ålesund? DAISY: Yyyeah. They reckon there’s a ritual they need to, you know… MARTIN: Yeah, but Peter didn’t even men…! [OPENS DRAWERS, SHUFFLES THROUGH THINGS] I don’t believe this!

Basira had mentioned that she had stopped trying to reach for him, after his mother’s death; but Martin had accepted to cut off from Jon entirely, and has shown multiple times that he’s been relying on Peter for information. Maybe Basira stopped trying, but it’s mostly… that Martin made himself so inaccessible. And there is something very fitting (though sad) with that? Because indeed, Martin kept trying to make connections with people and being rejected or betrayed – his attentions never meeting their goal. He took care of his mother for years; he was quite mistreated by Jon even when trying to make things a bit better, or less bittersweet (prime example being the beginning of MAG069, when he brought tea for Jon, and was turned away). And as he spat to Elias’s face in MAG118, he was very aware that the “good” moments he had spent with Not!Sasha had been cruel lies, that he felt bad for spending with Sasha’s murderer? And his relationship with Tim had deteriorated through season 2 already, reaching the point in season 3 when… Tim didn’t factor him in at all, focused on his revenge and didn’t spare any thought for Martin because he didn’t know him like he knew Sasha? And Martin never really managed to form any connection with Melanie nor Basira, and Daisy used to frighten him. So, the temptation of the Lonely makes a lot of sense… and maybe Daisy will manage to pierce through it? She’s been a constant surprise in season 4 – actually bonding with Jon, and now managing to… have a meaningful talk with Martin? The fact that they shut down the tape recorder while still together might mean that they’ll keep talking and that it… could do Martin some good? That they could act on something together?)

- The clock in the background made it sound like the scene was taking place in Elias’s office again? (I think the sound the door made was the same, too?) So, “Assistant to Peter Lukas”, really? Nah. Martin has been slowly taking over all of Elias’s tasks: taking care of the Institute’s administration

and

receiving

the complaints about Jon.

(I’m not even joking: the first time ever that we heard Elias talk… was when he relayed to Jon that Naomi had filed a complaint about him, in MAG017. And now, it’s MARTIN taking care of even that. I don’t want Martin to become the new Head Director because that can mean anything good, but UUUUUh at the same time. All these tiny ways in which he is literally replacing Elias are hilarious but, accumulated, are beginning to get suspicious.)

Plus, I do love

(MAG142) WOMAN: I don’t, a– Look, I just need to, to talk to a… a–a manager, or something? MARTIN: Okay, uh, well, uh… Uh, yeah, actually, [CHUCKLE] I’m a, I’m a manager. G–go on?

How more and more confident he’s getting at Bullshitting… but AT THE SAME TIME. Martin is managing Peter and used to manage Jon. He does deserve to be called “a manager”, okay.

- MARTIN IS STILL A BEHOLDING BABY!! After the (glorious) mess that was MAG100, Martin had been the only one of the assistants to take a live-statement: Tim’s, in MAG104, though, okay, Tim was also an assistant himself and it was… probably a Beholding effect that allowed him to be so articulate? But Martin technically took another one with MAG142, and the woman’s story was clearly messier and less “fluid”, she had a lot of trouble explaining things, and the point that it wasn’t the first time that she was telling her story (“And I start to tell him… everything. About the job, about the collapse, ab–about the hand… And more than I told you, even, and–and…”)… but still. Beholding might not be giving up on him, uh?

Also, it’s Aza’s pet-theory that Martin might be compelling/manipulating people to do what he wants by asking “Please” (even though there is no static), and MMMM… both Tim and the woman uncoiled and began to talk after he said that word…

(MAG104) MARTIN: Please. TIM: [EXHALEs] Fine. Fine. I’ll tell him in person, when he gets back from… wherever it is that he’s vanished to. MARTIN: China. And if you try to tell him in person, you’ll just end up at each other’s throats. You know you will. TIM: … [BITTERLY] Statement of Timothy Stoker, on the disappearance of... of my brother, Danny, four years ago. June 14th, 2017.

(MAG142) MARTIN: Just… just tell me what happened. Hum, please. I–I won’t judge. [SILENCE] WOMAN: Alright. Uh. So, you… [SIGH] You’ve, uh… you’ve got to understand my job, okay?

(+ Melanie relenting when he went “Melanie. Melanie, please.” in MAG118, etc.)

- Anyway, I’m so so glad that Martin’s pettiness has been skyrocketing in season 4.

(MAG082) DAISY: Well, if your witnesses appear back in this universe, maybe the situation will change. Otherwise, it’s an easy choice: answer my question or I pin it on you. MARTIN: Y–you can’t! Th–that’s not how this works. [SILENCE] … Is it? DAISY: Let me tell you how this works, Mr. Blackwood. I’ve got a hell of a workload, no partner and full operational discretion to make this whole situation go away. That means you help me or I make things very unpleasant for you.

(MAG142) DAISY: I said… I don’t want to talk about it. [SILENCE] MARTIN: I know. [PAUSE] Not nice being interrogated, is it? DAISY: I… [EXHALE] Oh. MARTIN: Yeah. [SILENCE] DAISY: [INHALE] I’m sorry, Martin.

February 2017 vs. June 2018, it was sixteen months ago, and he didn’t let that go. FORGIVE AND FORGET? NO AHAHAHAH RESENT AND REMEMBER.

- AND I’M SO GLAD THAT DAISY APOLOGISED… that she understood on her own why Martin was so petty and cutting at her – that she had given him reasons to!

(And uuuh… that parallel between Daisy-towards-Basira and Martin-towards-Jon… I didn’t know how much I wanted Daisy and Martin to have an Actual Conversation until now, but… they work… so fine… hopeless pining gays aware that their crushes are fucking idiots throwing themselves into things without plans, all of them…)

- Uh! So Martin listened to MAG061’s tape!

(MAG142) MARTIN: I listened to your old statement. Wasn’t your partner down there? DAISY: Yeah. Didn’t find him. MARTIN: You don’t wanna go get him? DAISY: I’m not going back. MARTIN: Hm! I thought you would have at least tried, or–

(As an aside, we know Jon had taken the tape along with him when he went into the coffin to rescue Daisy…)

So why and when did Martin listen to that specific statement and remember about that detail…? (He’s usually… notoriously pretty bad at cross-checking information or remembering names from one statement to another, see how he didn’t remember about “Rayner” back in season 3.)

- Speaking of tapes, there were a few things:

(MAG142) MARTIN: I should probably try to get him this tape, let him know what happened, that someone came in to… But then, ahah, would that just come across as an accusation? Like, because I don’t wanna… And then, then I guess he’d… hear this bit as well, so… I… I… [LONG EXHALE] What do I do…? […] DAISY: … [INHALE] You recording, or…? MARTIN: Hm? Uh, oh… Oh, no, there was– Hang on… [CLICK.]

The fact that the woman’s complaint and story was recorded was a conscious decision from Martin, or at least, he was aware of the recording (=> it didn’t… sneakily begin to record without him noticing). But it’s strange that the woman didn’t mention any tape recorder with Jon when he preyed on her – maybe it was there, hidden, but maybe there wasn’t any…? If that’s the case, why…? (…………… if it was recorded, that means there might be a hidden stash of… encounters like this, of Jon pressuring people into giving their statements…)

- We got quite the roundabout of Martin’s ambivalent bits this episode: he was good towards the woman (treating her with the respect she deserved), expressed offense and disgust at Jon’s actions………………… and then right away, went back to being Considerate Of Jon’s Feelings and to worrying over him the instant he was given the incentive:

(MAG142) MARTIN: Uh, but you didn’t give me your– [DOOR CLOSES] … name. [SIGH] [RUFFLING PAPER] [SILENCE] [SIGH] … What the hell do I do with that?! I mean, Christ, Jon, that’s… that’s not okay! Oh, that can’t– that can’t… I mean, it’s not him, is it? Not, not really? It’s, what, addiction, instinct, maybe mind control, something like that? I… can’t believe he’d choose to do something like that. … No, no, I, I can’t think like that, though, I, I can’t let myself, ‘cause I mean, if, if he‘s already gone, then all of this is just… […] MARTIN: No, no, it’s… thank you, I just… [CLOSES DRAWER] For God’s sake, can he not stay safe for like, for like ten minutes?! DAISY: I don’t think that’s an option for him anymore. MARTIN: Yeah, I mean, sure… [SLAMS A DRAWER SHUT] But he just…! He doesn’t think! He always just immediately charges straight off into danger with whatever… whatever half-arsed plan o–occurs to him at the time! I don’t get it!

… It’s probably not a good thing that he’s… so prompt to getting worried over Jon instead of reconsidering things through his actions (it’s like he had… immediately forgotten the woman’s story as soon as Daisy explained that Jon was going into Danger territory) but… it makes sense with Martin’s point of view – because he had agreed to some sacrifice for the others’ and Jon’s well-being, and, indeed, if he were to accept that Jon is gone… then, it means that it was partially for naught – unless Martin manages to find New Reasons. (But it kind of confirms that Martin really doesn’t have many things he cares for/about left in the world…)

-  Whatever is happening with Jon, it’s either not one of the options that Martin considered, either a mix of all of them (“addiction, instinct, maybe mind control”)? We know that Jon has had ~problems with moderation~ and Jon had discovered and acknowledged that he was getting addicted to written-statements, back in season 3, without… giving it much thought:

(MAG107) ARCHIVIST: I feel… a lot better! … I’d love to rattle off a lot of potential other reasons for this, nice rational causes of recovery, but… I feel we’re past the point of transparent rationalisations. It looks like the recording of statements has now passed over from psychological compulsion into… a more physical dependence. I don’t know whether this is… some sort of classical addiction or something a bit deeper. But either way, this is not the time for experimentation. I’m on a deadline, and if I need to be reading statements to stay well enough, then I suppose that’s what I shall do.

And the way Jon was described kind of remind me of Trevor’s relationship with The Hunt? (MAG056, “In the early 80s, I was deep in the grip of my twin addictions. As I mentioned, after a while, the hunt became an addiction of its own. Of the two, I’ve always found heroin the easier one to quit. […] But the hunt… the hunt is a purpose. It’s not just a way to get through the day, it’s a reason for there to be a day at all.”)

There has been so much talk about “choices” this season that… the bottom line will probably be that yes, Jon did choose it and will be aware of it. Either it was something he was trying to get under control, for a Greater Plan (trying to Power Up to fight The Dark?), either it was mainly hunger when he began to do these things but… despite Martin’s repulsion at the idea, I don’t think the answer will be anything less than “yes, maybe he was influenced, but Jon did choose it”…?

- You can feel that Daisy is a bit older/more experienced than the others and… it’s interesting that, in the end, she’s knowledgeable about human behaviours and able to decipher them?

(MAG142) DAISY: I, I mean, it’s pretty standard stuff. MARTIN: What?! DAISY: Used to see it all the time back in the force, especially with the Section’d. Not like there’s… “normal” trauma, you know? But it’s pretty common. The most important thing becomes control, engaging on your own terms. Even when it’s stupid or dangerous. Anything to not feel helpless.

(She was Section’d for fourteen years, she had been working in the police for sixteen years in December 2016, so she’s at the very least 35-ish years old, while Jon&Martin are around 30.)

AND I LOVED HOW SHE REMINDED MARTIN THAT SHE USED TO BE A DETECTIVE…

(MAG142) MARTIN: … Yeah. [LONG INHALE] I suppose. [LONG EXHALE] You’re… you’re pretty observant, you know? DAISY: Detective, remember? MARTIN: Yeah, you did mention. Would have thought Basira would’ve had more sense, though. DAISY: When Basira and I were partners, I’d see this happen sometimes. She can read a… situation like no one I know, always seems to know the right move, but for all her research, she never wants to put a plan together. I think she just hates all the unknowns, the… variables. [SIGH] Contingencies. If she spots an advantage, she’ll… grab it, and trust herself to figure out the details as she goes.

Elias has been nagging Basira, calling her “detective” (and Georgie called her one in MAG122, and Peter referred to her as such in MAG134) but… it was Daisy, officially – Basira was only a Police Constable. Daisy had it in her to lean towards Beholding, uh…? And it’s nice to see that Daisy didn’t have that title for nothing? And it’s interesting to see the contrast between her and Basira – with Daisy, initially being presented as savage and violent (a “rabid dog” according to Elias), actually attuned to the way people work, and Basira, quieter and “soft” (according to Daisy in MAG061), seemingly level-headed… being actually the impulsive and chaotic one.

- But WOOPS.

(MAG140) ARCHIVIST: So what’s the plan? BASIRA: I’m getting us passage on a boat heading up there. ARCHIVIST: … Right. BASIRA: I bring all the guns from Daisy’s old stash, you bring the spook you used to mess up that delivery guy. [SILENCE] ARCHIVIST: Wh… at? That’s it? [PAUSE] Christ, I thought my plans were half-arsed. BASIRA: It’s all about when we go. ARCHIVIST: … I don’t follow. BASIRA: Summer solstice is the 21st of June. So we leave in a fortnight. ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] … Right. BASIRA: And should arrive about a week before. No danger of sunset or darkness for a long time. Stands to reason that they will be at their weakest.

(MAG141) ARCHIVIST: You were the one who suggested we go by boat. BASIRA: Didn’t think I… urgh… [SNIFF] … I hadn’t really done proper boats, before…

Confirmation that Basira barely has any plan for Ny-Ålesund and is mostly planning to improvise.

- Here’s hope that Martin talking with Daisy will help a bit to get him out of his shell… Hilariously, Elias had warned Martin about getting too secluded?!

(MAG138) MARTIN: I think he wants me to join The Lonely. ELIAS: Then it sounds like you have a decision to make. […] Don’t forget to keep in touch, Martin. There are so many people in here, but without one’s friends… [DOOR LOCKING] it does get rather lonely.

And Daisy came in and was the surprise!friend. At the very least, Martin got another demonstration that Peter is not trustworthy when it comes to the information he shares (or doesn’t share). Martin, despite his official wariness, has been relying on him a great deal, but maybe the news that Jon hoped out to stop another ritual, and that Peter didn’t even deem it worth it to notify Martin or to provide help, will allow distrust to sink in again…? (Oooh, I hope we will hear Martin confronting Peter about it, because Martin will probably be deliciously snappy and cutting…)

- … So Melanie had been “quiet” and now she’s away again (“Melanie’s out, and… [EXHALE] Jon and Basira’re still off.”), and we haven’t heard from her since her first session with that therapist, and I’m Worried About Melanie. And on that subject, I liked how Daisy casually supports Melanie’s past intention to kill Elias:

(MAG142) MARTIN: I thought you believed him…! You were doing all of his dirty work. DAISY: Well, wasn’t willing to call his bluff. Not the same thing as “believing”. Just too big a risk. MARTIN: … Not for Melanie. DAISY: Well, maybe she was the only one with any sense. Even if he was telling the truth [EXHALE], if we all… died… There are worse things.

… because we definitely know that she didn’t have much sense given that it was confirmed that she had been infected by the bullet.

(But hey, Daisy, give yourself some credit:

(MAG092) ELIAS: Ah, of course. Er, sometimes I forget how new you all are to this. Basira is now tied to the Institute. All of you are. Like fingers on a hand. And I am the beating heart of it. Should I, or the Institute, be destroyed, you will all, unfortunately, follow suit. MELANIE: Wait, what? TIM: Yup, that sounds about right. ELIAS: And it would not be a pleasant death. DAISY: Bullshit! ELIAS: Then shoot me. Just squeeze the trigger, and watch the only person you care about die screaming. Your last connection to humanity. Do it. BASIRA: Daisy…

You did call it “bullshit”, back then!)

- It’s quite impressive how much Elias has managed to be omnipresent even in absentia in season 4, but especially in this episode. The scene seems to take place in his office; we got reminders of how he had trapped Daisy to work for him; he’s still an element threatening Daisy to tip over; and he’s in prison… but still a bit here, somehow.

(Urk, he had mentioned that Jon was “at a very delicate stage right now” in MAG127, hence him making sure that Jon couldn’t get in contact with him… but I wonder if, upon his return from the Pole, Jon will get visitation rights because… stuff happened.)

- And what Jon is thinking/doing/meaning is… a gigantic mystery right now. It was a weird episode in that regard, because the first half of the episode was presenting him as a Monster, as absolutely… a danger? A threat? A “It” violating people and feeding from them? Because even if he wasn’t aware of the apparently new Beholding effects, Jon was absolutely conscious and reminded of the dreams plaguing statement-givers:

(MAG130) GERTRUDE: Shame about the dreams; I would avoid them if I could.

(MAG132) DAISY: I realised you were in my dreams. Reliving t… this. The coffin. You were there. ARCHIVIST: … Yes. DAISY: Didn’t think it was real. Not really… Just my mind putting you there, because I h–hated you but… no. One night, you turn up in a new shirt. Didn’t fit you. Not your style. I didn’t think much of it, it was just a d–, a dream. Then you come back from the States and… guess what you’re wearing. ARCHIVIST: Oh… DAISY: Realised what was happening then. Realised you weren’t human. Needed to die, as soon as it was safe. Never mind Elias and his… insurance.

(MAG136) ARCHIVIST: It, uh… Hm. Is, uh… Weird question, but… I… [EXHALE] I haven’t seen you in my dreams? The last couple of weeks? […] So… no more dreams. DAISY: Not of you and your weird eyes. Just the coffin. ARCHIVIST: Is that better…? DAISY: ’T’s mine. ARCHIVIST: … right.

(MAG141) BASIRA: And now he’s going to see you in his dreams as he relives that for the rest of his life! ARCHIVIST: [INHALE SHARPLY] BASIRA: Because… because a tape recorder told you to do it?! ARCHIVIST: Yes, Basira, he is. And I am sorry about that. But we needed it. Anyway: you’re the one who wants to be like Gertrude. [SILENCE] You think she’d give a damn about a few bad dreams? BASIRA: … No. ARCHIVIST: No. She got the job done, and didn’t care about the costs. BASIRA: But I thought you did.

… and still Did What He Did, and has forced himself on people, and is enjoying it, and… messed up the woman (and potentially Floyd – his stories were about travelling by sea, can he still work as a sailor if he starts getting panic attacks?! – and potentially… others).

But then, the second half of the episode rolled in and insisted on his human sides and qualities and the fact that he was a victim, too. It made sense for Daisy (since she got in touch with the Jon who doubted and was “moping around”), it made sense for Martin (because, as much as he’s able to snap and take none of Jon’s shit, he’s also showed a propensity to making excuses for him, hence Tim’s bitterness in season 2), but it was still… a weird mix. Because you were shown someone suffering and in distress, and right afterwards told that her tormentor was in a bad place and deserved to be loved and for people to worry for his well-being and state of mind…? It’s indeed good to get confirmation that what Jon has experienced left its marks on him, since we had glimpses of it before:

(MAG133) ARCHIVIST: And give Daisy a break. She was there eight months. [EXHALES] I was only in there for three days, and I–

(MAG136) DAISY: [QUICKLY] You’re not babysitting me, alright?! I know that’s what the others think, sometimes, but… that’s not it. I just… don’t like…  being on my own if I can help it. You know. Flashbacks, panic attacks, the usual. Just trying to avoid it if I can. ARCHIVIST: I know, Daisy, I–I do. It’s hard.

… but it happened at a weird time, after the woman’s story. At least, with how Daisy went back to Jon’s words, pointing out that he was “self-destructive”:

(MAG136) ARCHIVIST: My– [PAUSE] [INHALE] [SIGH] My memories of the coma are not clear. But I know I made a choice; I made a choice to become… something else. Because I was afraid to die. But ever since then, I… I don’t know if I made the right decision; I–I’m stronger now, tougher, I can… … If I do die, now, or get sealed away somewhere forever… I don’t know if that’s a bad thing. And I don’t want to lose anyone else so, if I can maybe stop that happening, and [DRY CHUCKLE] the only danger is to me, I– I’ll do it in a heartbeat; worst case scenario… the universe loses another monster. DAISY: That’s messed up. ARCHIVIST: [LOW SELF-DEPRECATIVE DRY LAUGHTER] … Yeah. I suppose it is. DAISY: Did you know the coffin wouldn’t kill you? ARCHIVIST: I– guess I thought imprisonment wouldn’t… wouldn’t be as bad as it was. DAISY: [SHAKY SIGH] ARCHIVIST: And it’s a lot easier to make that choice than it is to actually… endure the result. You might have noticed when I was in there with you, I… I had regrets. DAISY: Yeah. I remember. ARCHIVIST: Plus, I thought… [PAUSE] W– [SIGH] Well, I didn’t know what being down there had done to you. DAISY: You thought I was gonna kill you? ARCHIVIST: It was a possibility.

(MAG142) DAISY: And of course, for Jon, there’s survivor’s guilt in there, too. He thinks he’s not human. Makes him very… self-destructive.

… I think we might definitely be heading towards the idea that at some point, in a shape or form, Jon did (and likely does) intend to sacrifice himself to stop The Dark…?

(- Alright, though.

This bit is more a disclaimer for Behind The Scenes/Less Comfy Time than full-on review: I initially had a very hard time with this episode. By that, I mean it physically messed me up for a day or two, before I was able to pinpoint why, and managing to get what the issue was alleviated the feeling a bit: it’s because, beyond the harassment case (which was indeed treated as it deserved in the episode, as “enough” to feel messed-up and warrant a complaint), I felt/read/received the woman’s story and encounter as openly coded as se*ual assault, and I was unprepared to this – creepy man hovers around a woman who was having a romantic meeting, corners her when she is alone, forces her to do something she was unwilling to do, “thanks her” for what he extorted from her and is satisfied by the experience, and leaves her a crying wreck, traumatised and with her whole life messed up, down to the detail of the woman not putting the blame on him, partially presenting it as her responsibility (“I’ve been having a lot of problems, since he talked to me, well, since I talked to him. Ever since I told my… story. […] May–maybe, maybe it’s just me, maybe I’m… Maybe I just, I met him once, in a coffeeshop, and he was a creep, and it messed me up…! But that’s enough. Right? [SHAKY EXHALE] That is enough.”) since she didn’t have the codes to explain what had truly been done to her. On its own, I felt that this wasn’t escapist horror anymore but way closer to “real-life horror” than what TMA usually does; it was even strengthened by E. Lockley’s performance, which was absolutely amazing… and also very intense, shaking and rough; and there was the added fact that… the abuser, in this case, was someone (the protagonist) who had been presented as sympathetic until now. Separately, it would have been a lot already; together, it was unbearable for me upon listening, and even after… it also makes me a bit uneasy, story-wise; as in, “oh, after 140-ish episodes, is this series really for me, after all.”

Because the second half of the episode made it pretty clear that Jon will be held accountable for what happened, but also… that he is a victim himself. And he’s still (unless this is The Shift) our main character, that we were meant to sympathise with until at least MAG140, and who was still written as sympathetic in the second half of the episode. Meanwhile, this character… exposed how her life was wrecked, is condemned to suffer, was harmed by someone who knew to some extent what he was doing, and she probably won’t be seen ever again. She didn’t do anything; Jon did. And it’s Jon’s story, and I’m sure that there will be Lots Of Guilt if Jon is meant to stick around as our protagonist, but the fact remains: the person who was (one of) his victim(s) still had her life wrecked, knowingly, and is probably not “important” enough to receive focus and to achieve protagonist status, unlike… her abuser. And I feel like I read enough stories focusing on the person who chose to harm rather than the person who was hurt and will be perpetually hurt? And I’m not too fond either of serious stories going the “edgy” route of protagonists behaving as uncaring asshats for a long while…? I had always assumed that when Jon would Fall, it would be either gradually, or the point when he would lose his Protagonist/sympathetic status? But right now, it feels like it’s most likely heading towards Reforming and coincidental Manpain territory (which… TMA had been great at avoiding until now), and aesthetically, I’m not super ready to open myself to feel sympathy for a character who caused harm while aware of the effects, even if he feels like crap about it afterwards, and even if I was until now very engrossed in his story and loving him a lot as a character. It works fine in derivative works, I love the various explorations, but in a canon… it’s always something else, it makes me feel uneasy, I am always pursued by the reminder of “but why does this character’s ongoing story deserve to be told, and not their victim’s?”. With MAG141/142, I feel like suddenly, Jon got utterly destroyed as a protagonist? Who cares, honestly, if he’s self-destructive or has survivor guilt? How do you justify the fact that he should still be (even partially) a (sym)pathetic character, or someone to feel for, if he goes around dooming people in such ways, even if it’s a spooky temptation/an addiction problem…? I would need the canon to tell me why and I feel… that it’s going to be hard. Because even if Jon feels bad about it, even if he was planning to get fucked over and it was only a temporary thing, he’ll still not be the main victim, and there is (presumably) no fixing for what he did, no way to alleviate what he did to the people whose statements he extorted, and unlike them, he’ll still be… our character. We’ll hear his voice, not his victims’ (after this woman’s testimony), and I don’t think that’s compatible with his protagonist status anymore.

And I know that RQ is usually very sensitive when it comes to real-life issues; the woman was treated with the soft carefulness that she deserves, and I understand perfectly that the way Martin was written this episode was meant to avoid typical accusations in such cases: he absolutely believed her and didn’t even consider that she could have been lying; he took her seriously and didn’t argue with her over the necessity of filing a complaint; he was supportive and soft; he validated her after she told her story (“O–okay. Hum. [INHALE] Right, well… [EXHALE] Firstly, I’m re– I’m really sorry that this happened.”); he expressed outrage towards Jon’s actions for this (… at first). But I have a hard time “trusting” and can’t help but be wary of what will follow in the story, and I am ill-at-ease: because crediting the woman as “Bystander” was… a surprising choice (she was a victim, she was preyed upon, it was her story, she was not… a witness or someone on the side…), because she wasn’t named (so… deprived of her identity…), and because it is likely the last of what we’ll hear from her… even though we know, with the rules of this universe, that she won’t escape this situation. And we’ll keep following Jon, and be narratively meant to get heartbroken over him, if MAG142 is any indication. I’m open to surprises (we heard Melanie’s and Daisy’s voices in ways that I hadn’t been expecting, although it was necessary and welcome; Daisy did harm people and keeps reasserting that it was her responsibility, and I currently adore her (… though the fact that we never met an innocent she would have wrecked… helps); or it’s possible that it’s the point, that Jon is currently being buried as a protagonist and that we’re supposed to lose our attachment to him) but… as I said, I’m wary, and not at ease at the moment. So I’ll see with next episodes, but it’s possible that I might take a hiatus soon-ish to let a few episodes pass and to judge from afar if I’ll feel better listening to them in one go, with the overall direction getting clearer. My first reflex last Wednesday was “I can’t listen to this anymore” and it messed me up until I was able to pinpoint what had been the thing bleeding into me and making me feel so sick, and fiction isn’t… supposed to do that to you – suddenly, it made the world unsafe, and it wasn’t horror escapism anymore for the reasons mentioned above, and I really wasn’t expecting to get slammed this hard even when expecting Terrible (fictional) Things. So, I’ll… see; you do you, I do me, I’m fine now, I can branch out if I feel that It’s Not For Me After All. Despite these grand intentions, I’d probably end up swallowing any Jon Angst/Tragedy Juice anyway, manpain-flavoured or not, so, eh.)

(Here’s for narrative hope: Daisy saw the woman and reminded Martin that she was a “detective”, so… some pieces are laid for Daisy to track down and find her? The fact that this woman wasn’t given a name feels a bit suspicious – not because she would be a false identity or an illusion, but in the way that… she was denied one. And given her situation, given that she was a victim, it’s quite harsh and un-TMA-like? So we’re probably meant to see her again, with a proper name…?)

Title for MAG143 is out: no cookie point to guess which Fear is involved, but mMMMMmm, guessing we’re going into Things (and that we might get a clue about what Robert Montauk was doing when Julia was a kid…?).

[vanilla-m]

Chapter 17 -spoilers-

Only about MEZZO”

17.1 (Heart's light)

- Sou-chan goes to the studio, but when the radio program started, he wasn’t able to go on so, he talked about himself instead. - He said that he used to not like himself, the environment he was in and his personality, but listening to music was the only thing that he liked about himself. Buying his favorite artist’s album and secretly sending comments made him feel confident. He gradually started liking himself like a kid who is excited. The part where he said 'I want to like myself' made me cry really hard. Sou-chan says that he wants to protect the ones he love, the ones who are important and who protected him. He mentions his uncle and how TRIGGER's songs started fading away in the streets. He says that he wants to live with music, and cries.

- Transferring to Osaka's mansion, Tamaki tells Sou-chan papa that he's the reason for making Sou-chan hate himself. He tells him that even when Sou-chan told him about wanting to write songs, he acted as if he’s doing something wrong, as if he is a kid who stole food. - Sou-chan papa says that music is absurd, but Tamaki tells him back that being rich is absurd. Tamaki says that he doesn't understand why Sou-chan papa won't approve of what others like. He tells him that you are just a bully who blame others."What an embarrassing person". This cracked me up, LOL.

17.2 (A shower of tears)

- Fans wait for Sou-chan outside the studio because they got worried after listening to the radio. - Tamaki comes by a taxi to Sou-chan. When he sees him, he says "So you can cry", and Sou-chan starts crying again, this time his crying voice is heard clearly. - Both of them leave the place, and while they are walking, (I think?) Sou-chan asks about his papa. - Tamaki tells Sou-chan that his papa wants him to bring the letter next time. He tells Sou-chan that his papa listened to the radio and agreed to let TRIGGER borrow the hall to do the live. - Tamaki says "Look? wasn't it good to say it in a loud voice?" Sou-chan cries again for the 3rd time! (I know that I shouldn't say this but, seeing Sou-chan cry makes him look damn cute). - So, what do you think Tamaki did when Sou-chan cried? YES, he did what normally boyfriends do to girlfriends! He used his hoodie's sleeve to wipe Sou-chan's tears!! (KYAAA~~) - Lastly, Sou-chan thanks Tamaki and tells him that he is grateful to him, and that he's glad Tamaki was with him.

Okay, okay, this chapter was really good!! FULL OF DRAMA! I cried a lot when Sou-chan expressed his feelings, and I think Abe (Sou-chan’s VA) did a really amazing job. I guess Sou-chan’s emotional talk and Tamaki’s speech moved Sou-chan papa a bit which is a good step. Tamaki and Sou-chan’s interactions were so precious

[stunudo]

BAU Prep School AU

A Criminal Minds Fan-fiction

What Happens On Break...

Welcome to the Frederick Buchanan Institute located in scenic Quantico, Virginia, a senior high academy that shapes the best and brightest minds. Its motto is “Behavior, Analysis, Unity,” the mascot the Submariners, colloquially “the Unsubs”. The small school supports the most accomplished faculty from across the country.

Dec 22, 2016 7:14am Newark, NJ to Pittsburgh, PA

There was an eerie hush in the early morning hours of airports, traveling had been out of JJ’s routine for so long that she had somehow forgotten the holidays were always an exception to the rule. She was sipping on a nonfat chai, earbuds in with her head into a magazine as she waited for the last hour of her layover to end. The seat beside her occupied only by her winter coat and carry on bag. Her absence was an atmosphere, filling JJ’s lungs with apprehension and recycled air.

She understood that Emily’s family had difficulty scheduling things in the States. She even understood that Emily would bend over backward to accommodate those unforgiving schedules. What she hadn’t quite wrapped her mind around was how Emily hadn’t even thought to extend her an invitation to the holiday gala at the Prentiss estate next week. They worked together; their vacations were perfectly aligned. Somehow, their families and their relationship were not.

It wasn’t that Emily had forgotten to invite her, it was that Emily hadn’t felt it necessary to even mention JJ to her parents. She hadn’t outright confronted Emily about it, but you couldn’t pull one over on a coach. Teenagers lied, girlfriends weren’t supposed to. The hollowness inside her chest resurfaced as a couple and their young son settled across from her. JJ had thought she had finally found her forever. But what did it matter if Emily couldn’t offer her the same kind of commitment?

Dec 23, 2016 8pm Woodbridge, VA

“Uncle Gordon called.” Diana said offhandedly as Spencer settled in for the night. He had spent the day at the school, ensuring his classrooms were in order after Grant and his grounds’ crew had their bi-annual gutting of the school. After three years, his cabinets’ meticulous organization were respected.

“Oh?” Spencer kissed his mother’s head in greeting. “How’s everything in Vegas?” He sat on the couch adjacent to her recliner.

“Same old, same old.” Diana nodded. “Didn’t think you were going to make it in time.”

Spencer smirked, giving his mother the side-eye. “Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

“Good,” Diana smiled turning on the old television set in the corner. The black and white movie beginning with the boisterous old movie house introduction. Soon a dashing Jimmy Stewart appeared, the Reid family tradition of watching a It’s a Wonderful Life had commenced. Their reactions were over done, prompting teasing on both sides of the modest living room. This could have been one of twenty previous Christmases, or at least the past four that had been spent in Virginia. Diana fell asleep in her chair before the triumphant ending with George Bailey cheering with his daughter in his arms.

Spencer didn’t bother waking her, but headed to his room to read before bed. Perhaps tomorrow he would suggest an outing, hoping to wrangle her aid into helping convince her. It had been nearly a year since she had left their apartment. Spencer knew it was up to him to get her the help she needed, but could he listen to reason over her wishes? Or worse, would she?

Dec 24, 2016 8pm Chicago, IL

Sarah and Desiree were taking forever to get ready, leaving Derek alone with his mother in the kitchen. They were chatting easily in the apartment she had moved into once her children were out on their own. Derek gave his mother his infectious grin once she offered him a cookie from her old tin stashed above the refrigerator.  Being the favorite had its perks.

“So, how you doing after the playoffs, Derek?” His mother’s auburn curls still vibrant as she sat easily at her small table.

“Ah, Mom, you know I need a rebuilding year every once in a while,” Derek teased, reassuring her all the same.

“And what about your extra-curriculars?” Fran Morgan raised her eyebrows, knowing her son better than anyone.

“There have been some of those, yeah” Derek grinned, a sheepish yet enthusiastic smirk.

“Some? Or?” Fran leaned in patting her boy’s leg.

“Well, I hope it’s just one, Mom,” Derek admitted. “But, uh, we work together, so we’re both a little stretched for time.”

“Okay, so tell me about this one, then.” She smiled, resting her chin on her palm.

Twenty minutes later and his sisters were finally church-ready. The Morgan family bundled in their Sunday best, scarves and gloves helping to shield them from the biting winter air. The walk to the evening service was as much a tradition as the vigil itself. Derek proudly escorted his mother down the dingy Chicago street. Once they had arrived at the old oak doors, Derek stepped back to make a quick phone call.

Penelope answered on the third ring, “Hey there, handsome.”

“Merry Christmas, Baby Girl.” He cooed back.

“I thought you were with your mom?” Penelope asked, trying to hide her conversation from the very noisy and very crowded living room of her adoptive family.

“I am, we’re just walking into church,” Derek explained. “Listen, Penelope, I know we haven’t had much time for real dates, but I just can’t stop thinking about you. You know?”

Penelope pinched her lips, flustered, she squealed below her breath, “Uh, yeah, I mean, we are like an unstoppable power couple.”

“So you see that too?” Derek laughed, trying not to be too loud as all the old ladies filing into the building behind were sure to be listening.

“You know I do, hot stuff.”

“So, it’s official, then?” Derek asked, suddenly somber. “We’re a couple?”

“Like the diva herself sang it, “All I Want for Christmas is You, Derek Morgan.”

With that Derek jumped in excitement, the weightlessness of new love spreading within his chest.

“Alright, Baby Girl, I gotta go say a special set of thank yous inside, but you have a good night.”

Penelope pecked into the phone, “Merry Christmas, my love.”

Dec 25, 2016 6:37am Hartwood, VA

If years of being married to a musician hadn’t trained Monica Walker to be ready for anything, years of parenting had. She had been up tending to vomit buckets and the clammy forehead of little Eli since the wee hours. She started the coffee pot once the sun began to bleed heavenward. She was exhausted to the point of numbness, stunned into meditating on that first Christmas morning. A young mother, pained and panicked, slouched besides cattle in the night.

“Mary, I feel you girl,” Monica muttered, “We do the dirtiest jobs, yet all they remember is their accolades.”

It was then that she heard Stephen’s soothing bass beckoning the family to arise and celebrate. “Oh, come let us adore him-“ An age old tune drawn out with his infectious rhythms. The rippling melody cut off with Stephen’s realization, “Uh-huh, where are the kids?”

“Sleeping,” Monica sighed, regaling her husband with her night of double duty, Santa and Nurse. They sipped their coffees in quiet comfort, just two people, still madly in love, waiting.

Eli muscled through opening his presents as only a child would, no sane adult would stay upright that long after the night he had endured. Maya was getting too old to appear to be excited for presents, but her mother pulled out the squeals when Maya opened her very own make up kit. The kids were so engrossed in their gifts that they didn’t notice that their parents didn’t exchange gifts this year. Sometimes, time together made up for the tightening budgets.

Dec 25, 2016 10:17am Sundance, UT

The thick crunch of snow punctuated the steady breaths of the pair on the hillside. The slopes were filling up, despite the holiday. For Dave and Alex, there was no place to be and no race to the bottom. They carefully secured their skis and grinned at each other in the other-worldly ensembles.

“See you at the bottom?” Dave asked slyly.

“I’ll be waiting,” Alex teased, snapping her shaded goggles into place.

The day was spent enjoying the endless mountain views and varying degrees of conversation paired nicely with varying degrees of inebriation. The resort was first class, a level of luxury Alex Blake had left behind with her political career.

“Thanks again for inviting me, Dave,” Alex smiled, a bone deep tired taking hold, the kind only fresh air and excursion could produce.

“Anytime, Allie.” Dave nodded his head and ducked into his room. Alex headed to her own suite, falling swiftly into a dreamless sleep.

Dec 25, 2016 4pm Manassas, VA

Haley kept pointing to the chairs framing their large dining room table. She was working out the seating arrangements in her head, making sure that chairs weren’t too spaced since the Walker clan would not be joining them. Which left Meg without anyone in her age range to socialize with, reseating her with the adults. Kit and Jack were too small for a table to themselves, anyhow.

Aaron walked on stocking feet, into the room adjusting his tie. “When did you say everyone would be here?”

“I told Kate dinner would be at five,” Haley explained, shuffling a place setting two inches to the right.

“So they’ll be here any minute,” Aaron nodded, “I wonder if Jason is coming, or if Stephen has finally forgiven him and is having him over for Hanukkah.”

“Well, I put out a menorah, too, just in case.” Haley shrugged.

“Of course you did,” Aaron murmured, sneaking behind his wife to grab her in an instinctual embrace. He framed her petite body, letting her relax into the gentle swaying. As soon as the tension had released her shoulders a tiny, yet unyielding cry burst from the hall.

“I’ll get him,” Aaron whispered, kissing her temple. Haley cursed gently under her breath when the shrill cries refused to fade, despite her husband’s best efforts. She tucked the hair behind her ear and marched towards the nursery, Aaron could play host, for a bit at least.

The first knock was more of a stomping of feet in the mudroom; Kate just let herself in, as always. Haley sighed, knowing that she would soon be pulled away from the warm bubble of nursing. Motherhood was exhausting, wanting to be everything for her son, yet needing to be a coherent functioning member of society as well.

The bustle of taking coats and dispersing drinks were handled gallantly by the Headmaster, with some assistance from his future student, thirteen year old Meg. The rolls were in the oven and the wrap was secure around Haley’s torso when the phone rang. For emergencies and peace of mind, the Hotchners still kept a landline; forcing Aaron to pick up in the kitchen.

“Merry Christmas!” The young father answered in a rush.

“Hey there, Hotch.” Jason Gideon beckoned back. “Look, I’m not going to make it tonight.”

“That’s too bad,” Aaron admitted, “But I hope that means you’re spending it with family.”

“You could say that,” Jason placated, “Anyway, thank Haley for the invitation, I’ll see you soon enough.”

“Will do. Take care, Jason.”

“You, too, Aaron.” Mr. Gideon hung up his phone, dropping it on the television tray beside his microwave dinner. He wasn’t spending the night with family, unless you counted his half blind cat, Monte. He just didn’t have the heart to spend a night projecting cheer. He thought of his son, knowing that Hotch’s hopes were grander than his own.

Dec 25, 2016 8:47pm Brooklyn, NY

Elle had forgotten how unmanageable streets were back home. There wasn’t any fresh snow, thankfully, but the street parking was beyond packed due to the holiday. After hours in traffic, two emotional meltdowns and four cups of coffee, she had arrived. The Brownstone was more run down than in her memories, but the warmth and the wreath on the door were the same.

She tucked her hair behind her ears and straightened her posture. With a deep inhale, she knocked. The graying head bobbed to answer the door. Frozen before her, her mother’s stern face melted into a blissful exultation.

“Mija!” Elle’s mother shrieked, grabbing Elle tightly to her. Elle let the tension leave her body, the hours of anxiety and white knuckles slunk away. When her mother’s arms held her; the tears fell freely.

“Hi, Mami.”

“Oy, mija. My Elle is home now.” Her mother crooned. They stood in the doorway, with the noisy city behind them. Basking in their homemade Christmas reunion.

Very Special Thanks to Cassie @mentallydatingspencerreid,

Meg @imagicana , and Loki @jodiewhittakers!!!

@ddreammcatcher @ultrarebelheart @lightbluelester @criminal-anatomy   @captainreid  @thebadyears @amarislestrange @shaelyn102 @badasprentiss @fl0werb0nes18 @inestava @sam-carter-in-training @wonderboygenius @fortheloveofpearlet @valentina-pendragon-blog @imarockstar45 @chocok22 @cynbx @fairymega @madamredwrites @doctorspencerreidrp @mindsunleashed @dontshootmespence @bookofreid @marvelfanlife @welp-there-it-is @ilikeitwhenyousleepforyouareso   @remember-me-forever-silent-angel @original-criminal-fanfics @derpyprentiss @olicia-leeshy @lookwhatyoumademequeue @veroinnumera @sarahkay-19 @sammles27 @lesbian-asajj @teatimewithtiya @braziliangirlonasharkcity @alienlynz @janam03 @nobravery @clockworkballerina  @whymesswperfection  @hagridsmumhasgotitgoingon @brooke0297 @XXMADDHATTER39XX  @gurliest @handpaintedgalaxy

[fredd-weasley]

Wedding Date (Steve x Reader)

Author’s Note: It’s wedding season and all of my friends are getting married (one of my best friends got married last week and I cried. A LOT) and since I’m still kinda recently single my mom has been my wedding date and I’ve been trying to find someone else to be my date and so anyway, this idea came to me, so here you go! Also, I spent a lot of time trying to decide whether to do this with Steve or Sam so I might do a little something special for Sam soon.

Summary: You friend has a wedding, you have no date, and Tony has a big mouth.

Warning(s): Wedding, drinking, family, and some fluff

Words: 2,302

Y/F/N - (Your Friend’s Name)

You sat alone at the island in the kitchen of the compound, you had woken up before everyone else so you made yourself some coffee. You stared into your cup of coffee, trying to figure out the situation you were currently put in. One of your best friends was getting married in a few days and because of missions you totally forgot that with your RSVP you said you were bringing a date. You thought that by the time the wedding rolled around you’d have a special someone to take, but with missions and training, that didn’t happen. You were too busy thinking that you didn’t hear someone walk in. Hearing your name took you out of your moment. Looking up, you see Natasha making coffee.

“I’m sorry, what did you say?” You ask, finally getting out of your trance.

“I was wondering if you already ate, I’m about to fix breakfast.”

You simply shook your head.

“What’s up?”

At that moment, Wanda walked in, “She doesn’t have a date for her friend’s wedding that’s on Saturday and she doesn’t know what to do. She was only in my room until 3am freaking out to me about it.” You gave her an apologetic look, which she returned with a smile, “It’s okay, I would have been up anyway. Ooooh are you fixing breakfast?”

Natasha sighed, “Yeah, I’ll fix you some, too. But, Y/N, why don’t you just ask one of the guys?”

“Ask one of the guys what?” Tony blurted as he walked into the room along with Steve and Sam. You sighed and put your head in your hands, “Yeah, okay, Nat let’s tell Vision and call Clint to make sure everyone knows.”

Natasha laughed, “Y/N here’s friend is getting married in a few days and she still doesn’t have a date.”

Tony walks over to the the coffee maker and says, “Right, we talked about this the other day. I’m sure Cap can go. You’re free, aren’t you, Steve?”

You immediately shot Tony a glare. He knew about your (badly-kept) secret crush on Steve, well, basically everyone knew except the super soldier himself. Everyone said you were obvious but you told them to keep their mouth shut, you knew Steve was still adjusting to the 21st Century and you didn’t want to complicate things, especially since he still had Peggy and her health wasn’t good at the moment. They understood your reasons and up until now they had kept quiet.

Steve looked less than comfortable being put on the spot, “I-uh, when is it?”

“Saturday.” Tony, Wanda, and Natasha all said at the same time.

Everyone was silent for a few seconds when Tony spoke up, “I’d volunteer myself but I’m speaking at MIT this weekend.”

Natasha also spoke up, “I’m taking Wanda out for a special training mission.”

Then your and Steve’s eyes landed on Sam who put his hands up in defeat and spoke, “I’ve got a date with the girl from the VA.”

Tony clapped his hands, “Great, it’s settled! Capsicle here is the perfect wedding date for Y/N.”

Natasha finally finished making breakfast for everyone that was hungry. After eating everyone but you and Steve had made their way out of the kitchen. The silence was painful, so you spoke up, “Listen, Steve, if you don’t want to go, it’s fine, I can find-”

“No, I’ll go. It’ll be fun.” He gave a soft smile, “Just let me know when I should be ready.”

You smiled, “Alright, I will. And Steve, thank you.”

“Of course.”

The next few days flew by, you tried to fill Steve in on just about everything from how the bride and groom met to who he should be sure to avoid at the wedding. Tony had let you use the Stark jet so you wouldn’t have to mess with a hotel or anything so you both left the morning of. The day of the wedding you put on your dress and did your hair and makeup, and made your way to Steve’s room since it was on your way out. You knocked on his door and he answered, he was wearing his blue dress shirt that shaped around his muscles perfectly. He stared at you for a second and said, “Wow, Y/N, you look… wow.”

You blushed, “Thank you, Steve. You’re looking pretty handsome yourself. You ready to go?”

He nodded and put his arm out for you to take, and you both made your way to the jet.

When you arrived you were met with faces you hadn’t seen in years. One of your friends was passing out programs told you that you should go see the bride. You and Steve went around to the back of the church and into the doors to be met with Y/F/N’s mother who engulfed you in the biggest hug, and she kept saying how glad she was that you could make it. And then Y/F/N came out from around the corner. Her dress looked perfect, her hair looked perfect, she looked like the perfect bride, she was the perfect bride. You couldn’t stop the tears that started forming in your eyes. She hugged you and spoke as soon as she backed away, “Don’t you dare start crying yet!”

Her mom spoke up as well, “Yeah, don’t start! We’re trying to save the tears for later!”

You laughed and wiped away the tears that fell, “Okay, well then since there’s not crying allowed back here, I think me and Steve are gonna go find our seats. I am so happy for you, Y/F/N.”

Her mom laughed, “Well, we made sure to tell the ushers to put you up front. We have places saved for you.”

You smiled and gave the bride one last hug and you and Steve were making your way back to the front of the church when you sniffled a couple times. Steve stopped to look at you, “Y/N, are you alright?”

You stopped as well and took a deep breath, “Yeah, I’m just really happy for Y/F/N. She really deserves this.”

He gave you a soft smile and rubbed your back, “Come on, let’s go get to our seats.”

Th both of you made it inside and the usher took you to the seats that were saved for you. You both took a few moments to read through the programs and you still had about 20 minutes before everything would start. Steve spoke, “Can I ask you a question?”

You looked up to meet eyes with his, realizing how blue his eyes actually are, “Yeah, of course.”

“If you and Y/F/N are such good friends, why aren’t you in the wedding?”

You smiled a little and said, “I was supposed to be” he gave you a questioned look and you continued, “After Y/F/N got engaged we had a talk about the wedding and everything. She suggested me being her maid of honor. I wanted to be, I really did, but it just didn’t seem fair.”

“How so?”

“Because I never know when I’ll have free time. It’s a miracle we didn’t have a mission today. So I wouldn’t have been able to give Y/F/N the wedding she wanted, the one she deserves, the one that her maid of honor was able to give her today. I wanted to just be a bridesmaid but, again, I was never really sure if I’d be able to make it to the actual wedding and I didn’t want to complicate things for her.”

Steve gave you a smile, but also giving you a sad look, “I understand, I’m sorry we’ve had so much going on. But you’re a great part of the team, and we’re lucky to have you.”

You bump shoulders with his, “It’s okay, I know with this job I’m going to have to make compromises. And thank you, Steve, that really means a lot coming from you.”

Steve cleared his throat and changed the subject, “So where did you say their honeymoon was.”

You two made small talk talk until it was time for the ceremony to start.

Then the time came, you watched everyone come out, and then it was time for Y/F/N. Tears started forming as you watched her walk down the aisle. When she finally made it to the altar you wiped the stray tears that had fallen and you felt Steve bump your arm. You looked over to see him handing you tissues, which you accepted and gave him a smile in return. You turned your focus back to what was happening at the altar, letting more tears fall. When the ceremony was over the newly married couple was giving everyone hugs and telling them goodbye. You and Steve congratulated the couple and made your way outside after getting bubbles to blow at the couple when they came outside. You and Steve stood near their car, there were a lot of people sitting behind you so you knew you’d be waiting a while. You were enjoying the sunshine, looking up at the blue sky when you heard Steve talk, “That was a beautiful ceremony.”

You laughed, “You’re not getting soft on me, are you, Rogers?”

He laughed back, “No, it’s just… that was my first wedding in a very long time and it’s nice to see that not everything has changed so much.” All you could muster to to reply was a smile, you finally found words to say back but one of your old friends came up to say hello. You and Steve chatted with them until it was time for the happy couple to come outside. You both got your bubbles ready and started blowing them, both of you started laughing, enjoying the moment. After the couple left, you both walked to the rental car (thanks to Tony) and made your way to the reception to help finish the setup.

Y/F/N’s mom gave you bowls of candies and vases of flowers to put at each table and small decorations to put in different areas of the venue. Steve, of course, helped you with everything. Once you both finished more people started showing up, so you and Steve found your seats and relaxed a moment. “Thank you, Steve for helping.”

He smiles and looks around, “Oh, it’s no problem. This is a beautiful place.”

You smile back and lean close to him, “I suggested this place to Y/F/N.”

He lets out a laugh, “That doesn’t surprise me, I’m guessing you suggested the colors to her, too?”

You laughed, “I plead the fifth!”

He laughs and then asks, “Do you want anything from the bar?”

You ask him to get your favorite drink while you save the seats. He comes back with a beer and your drink and then the DJ talks a little bit and says it’s time to eat. After eating the speeches begin. You got a little emotional, but not much. You were fine again until Y/F/N danced with her father. You began crying and Steve put his arm behind you, resting it on the back of your chair, rubbing your back. You looked up to him and smiled, which he returned. You had stopped crying and took a deep breath. Steve gave you a look as if asking you were okay, to which you nodded. Then the dancing started. You were never one for dancing so you were fine to watch with Steve. The two of you actually were having a fun time laughing at the guests that had a little too much to drink, and others that were just enthusiastic dancers. Then a slow song started playing and Steve turned to you, “Would you like to dance?”

You agreed, took his hand, and went out on the dance floor. You both were silent for a few moments before you spoke, “Thank you again, Steve, for coming with me.”

“Of course! I really enjoyed this today.” and to this you laughed at.

He gave you a confused look and asked, “Why is that funny?”

You shook your head, “It’s just that every guy I’ve ever met has hated weddings and has hated going to them except for the open bar.”

He looked down at you and softly spoke, “Well then, I guess you just never met the right guy.”

You looked up to meet his gaze and replied just as soft, “I guess not.”

His eyes flickered between your eyes and your lips while yours did the same, and he leaned down to capture your lips in a soft, breathtaking kiss. You both let out a breath after the kiss and you spoke, “That was…”

He smiled, “Wow.” You both danced for a few more songs, and then you decided it was time to head back to the compound. You said your goodbyes to the newlyweds, they thanked you for coming and said they were beyond happy that you were able to come. Steve drove back to the airport while you fell asleep in the passenger’s seat. He gently woke you up and you both got on the Stark jet. Getting settled in, you were sitting across from each other at a table. “I’m glad you came today, Steve.”

“Me, too. Since you asked me on this date, how about I ask you on the next one. Would you like to go out to dinner with me tomorrow?”

You beamed and nodded, “I’d love to, Steve.”

He looked at you with a smile just as big as yours, “Great, and if you ever need a wedding date again, just let me know.”

“Well, lucky for you, I have another wedding to go to in two weeks.”

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