#husk doesn't even begin to describe how empty i am

[lucyvaleheart]

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[cuppa-ale]

it often feels very lonely online and I still feel like there's nowhere that truly feels like "home" to me. but sometimes i feel like i deserve the loneliness because I was always so bad at confrontation and acted out of fear/anxiety instead of doing what I'd want someone to do for me and just, communicate.

and then I remember the reasons why i've become such a hermit- I try to do what I think is right and I stand by those things, but most people have no context for them and so it makes me feel a little bit "insane" when I realize that. And most of all, it feels so isolating.

and I constantly think about things I could've done differently and whether it would've made a difference. Right now I just can't shake how odd it feels to.... even have this account and still be here.

It doesn't feel like my "own" and I don't think it ever will, because I spent so much time here trying to be someone else, trying to be appealing to people who I was afraid of. I grew up here feeling paranoid all of the time and I think my actions reflected that, down to the tiniest things, even if no one else realizes it. I felt so wishy-washy because I just wanted to be liked, or at least tolerated, and to please others and not disappoint them.

I feel like it's the same way for me in real life. My life is not my own- it's dedicated to propping up my family and ensuring our survival day by day, and in the process I worry about my future. Lately I;ve been sick and overworked and I've felt content at the idea of falling asleep one night and never waking up.

I feel completely drained of everything. I;m still working on projects but i just feel like i'm on auto-pilot, i can't feel anything. everything around me just feels like it's decayed and neglected and rotted and idk how to escape from it. It's so painful when you have trauma that no one takes seriously, especially the one who caused it, and any attempts at communicating it are shut down or mocked. when that trauma is weaponized and called into question by ppl who you're supposed to be closest to, the thought of facing and recovering from it is almost painful in itself.

idk, i could go on abt things I feel are wrong in my life bc there's so many things that are just weird and messed up and Idk where to begin explaining it to anyone. I wanted to communicate those things through art, but even that feels so fruitless right now.

that was a tangent, but- I am thankful for the friends I have and the people who do talk to me. i wish i could do more. I wish I was more interesting and fun and talkative but I just feel like an empty husk.

maybe that's part of why I feel so lonely online and why it's not fun. i don't do much and what i do is so obscure, and even then, i find so many reasons to be wary and afraid of people and feel like I;m better off isolating and just, waiting for the day when things are brighter.

None of my spaces feel like my own, and that's really the thing I wanted to vent about. I don;t feel like my own. everything feels unpleasant and i can barely process anything. i don't even really know who i am, because i always wanted to be what someone else wanted.

I've been listening to Jazmin Bean's "Traumatic Livelihood" album this year and just about all those songs describe how I've been feeling in disgusting detail. Even if my pain is born of my own delusions, i feel like my delusions are all I have if no one else is directing me.

I keep flip flopping between being hopeless about my future, to being hopeful that it will get better and I'll be able to live my life as I see fit. That the people who love me want to see me do better and that I'm capable of better. I have to believe that it will or else I don't think I will survive. Sometimes I really don't understand why i've been placed in a life where I'm always under someone else's will. I keep thinking maybe I;m supposed to communicate those things throuhg my stories, and that's one of the delusions i'm clinging onto.

Right now I feel like the main reason I log on here is to keep up with and support other artists, and to keep up with friends who i talk to here. I wish that i had fun posting and musing and gushing with others, and maybe one day that will be too. i;m holding onto that too.

[the-andromeda-collective]

I'm struggling with parts language again today. I understand the science of it, and I understand people's preference for. But I'm having a hard time with it for myself.

I think for me, it can leave some questions unanswered, which is dissatisfying. Part of a system, sure. But who is the system? The person everyone thinks they know because we've all had to cover for each other in the past or is it only the host that everyone else knows.

I think sometimes part language inherently feeds into core theory in my mind, and it feels like there is no core, or that there is only a mask or a husk of person at the center of us all. That there is nothing actually there for us to make up. That it is only empty deep inside.

I think sometimes it makes me feel a bit hollowed out. That I...am only meant to exist within my assigned "part". This is hard because I don't feel like I know who I'm meant to be.

I feel a little less whole. This isn't against anyone who uses parts language. I'm happy if it works for you and most days I don't mind it. But today is hard. Today it makes me feel bad.

I think there is something in the rigid thinking that comes with being autistic that feeds into this. That autistic brain craves structure and clearly defined roles and boxes to put all of us "parts" into that make use definable and easy to understand. There's something in there that feels a little robbing of personhood.

It...restricts room for growth and change.

I think sometimes it would be easier, more comforting to be thought of as something whole unto myself. I would feel more comfortable growing and changing that way. I wouldn't have to remain the same to fit into my box of "this part".

I understand that they are as much a part of me and I am of them, I know it would be just as accurate to call our host "a part of me", and I think remembering that way does help some, but it still feels weird, because I don't feel known in the way she is. I don't feel seen.

It doesn't feel like there is a "whole" for us to be parts of. What if we are each whole and there is overlap between us and in that over lap is where we are parts of each other.

I think I also feel sad for the child we once were. That I once was. That little girl who sat on the slide trying to explain to her friends that there was something about Reflection from Mulan that dug into her chest, something that resonated with her though, being six, she didn't have that word. Trying to explain that she didn't feel like she was really herself and if she were to discover who that was, she might be rejected by her family. The little girl who didn't fully know what the looks exchanged between her friends meant, but knew they didn't understand, knew they thought she was crazy.

It makes me sad that from so young an age there was a reliance on external things to explain feelings and feeling like...what was felt couldn't be trusted. Perhaps if there wasn't a reliance on external medias for self expression, I wouldn't be here as I am. If I could have put things into my own words and felt heard, if I had felt...safe enough within myself to allow for introspection and self exploration, there would not be the constant need for external validation, for external- for relying on external sources to point at to say "that is how I feel", to just be able to feel things and trust things internally, and not need an external image to recognize what's happening inside. To just be able to name it, to be able to recognize what's going on inside just inherently.

If we could do those things, if I could have done those things. Perhaps our brain would not have felt the need to seek out a template, to seek out anything to even begin to describe our experiences and emotions and thought and feelings. Perhaps I would feel better then.

But that's not what happened. Internal experiences were tuned out or shut down or masked or ignored to the point of not knowing what's happening inside at all, to not knowing what's happening or if what is felt or if it can be trusted untill it is mirrored some how by something externally for us to point at and say. "That. That is me. That is who I am and how I feel."

If we didn't need things externally to resonate before we considered that may be the problem, perhaps I would feel better. Perhaps I would not feel like a hollowed out version of myself. Perhaps I would feel whole in my place as a part. If I were allowed to feel things and acknowledge them all on my own without desperately seeking out something to point at to validate me and make me feel seen. If I could feel things on my own maybe I wouldn't feel hollow, maybe I would feel whole even as just a part.

[nadziejastar]

You know why the Seekers having high levels of agency makes no sense? Because Xehanort wanted Sora as one! It's a plot point that doesn't work unless you assume that some level of mind control is involved.

LOL, exactly. How are you going to make Sora of all people a Seeker of Darkness if they are not just Xehanort’s puppets? What was the point of even going after someone like him? He would never help the bad guys willingly. So Xehanort obviously has to be able to fully control them on a whim. This is also a subject I had been meaning to write about.

KH3D ended with Xehanort NOT getting Sora, leaving him one Seeker short. Ooh, that’s exciting, now what’s he gonna do? I thought that his search for the final Seeker would have been a big part of KH3′s plot. But it really wasn’t. I thought that was so anticlimactic.By the time KH3 rolled around, Xehanort had so many Seekers lined up that he even had reserve members.

It’s funny. I remember a lot of people complaining about how all the villains got an undeserved redemption in KH3. After spending the whole game helping Xehanort, they randomly give a heartfelt speech at the very end. So, only once Sora defeats them do they grow a conscience? Everyone was asking why they didn’t have any remorse before.

There’s a big pillar of darkness that leaves their body after they’re beaten. It’s almost like that would have been Xehanort’s heart and darkness leaving them; thus, they’d no longer be controlled once it’s gone. They’d have their own minds and hearts back again. So, in that context, their little speeches would have actually made sense. I’m sure that was originally the idea, at least for characters like characters like Saix and Luxord. But when you have the characters acting in full control of themselves the entire time beforehand, these scenes seem ridiculous and lose all of their meaning.

Master Xehanort: All of this was decided. My twelve selves would welcome me here on this day, when I would return a complete person. It is the future which lies beyond my sight.

The story made it clear that not just anyone can become a Seeker of Darkness. He literally calls them his 12 selves. It apparently takes a very specific type of person to make a suitable vessel for Xehanort’s heart. That’s why most of them are Xehanort’s own alter egos; extensions of himself. His old self, his young self, his Heartless, his Nobody. Terranort and young Riku are also Xehanort, just while he’s possessing other people’s bodies.Vanitas is a being born of pure darkness. Only the strongest vessels can handle a heart like Xehanort’s. That’s why he targeted Terra in the first place.

Sora: Make more Xehanorts? You tricked your friends to… But you–aren’t you scared of just turning into someone else?

Xigbar: Me? I’m already half Xehanort.

Sora: That’s nuts…

KH3D also stressed the consequences of getting Xehanort’d. A totally willing person immersed in darkness is a candidate (if they are strong enough). But you’d have to be willing to sacrifice part of yourself; your identity, your mind, your agency. Few are crazy enough to do that. Braig just happens to be that nuts. But the rest?

Xigbar: Xemnas and Xehanort formed the Organization for a specific reason–round up a bunch of empty husks, hook them up to Kingdom Hearts, then fill them all with the exact same heart and mind. Translation–they were gonna turn all the members into Xehanort.

Xemnas: However–through weakness of body…weakness of will…or weakness of trust–most of the original members we had chosen for the Organization were inadequate. Thus, naturally, they never had a chance to attain their goal. Yet, even this was to be expected. We have learned of the heart’s folly, and we have achieved our other goals.

Xemnas never considered most of them truly worthy vessels. He needed to use the power of a fully completed artificial Kingdom Hearts, just to be able to use them as vessels… and even still they weren’t worthy. Xemnas says as much, and that they had to resort to “other goals”. Sounds like he gave up on all of the old Organization, other than Xigbar and Saix.

Weakness of trust is something that is supposed to exclude them from being worthy. So why all of a sudden are Marluxia and Larxene back again? They didn’t seem to be controlled exactly. But they didn’t seem to be willing participants either. There’s no way they trust Xehanort, though. He said he brought them to be Seekers due to their connection to the past and the Keyblade War. If they were so important to his plans, why did he send Larxene and Marluxia to get executed in Castle Oblivion for their treachery? It’s possible KH4 will answer this, but for now it makes little sense.

And if Xehanort can force unwilling people to be his vessels that easily, why didn’t Young Xehanort take any of the others with him when he took Isa? I just bought the BBS novel that came out a few days ago. I thought it was interesting how this little character blurb described Dilan. It says unlike Aeleus, he is adept at manipulating the hearts of others. Honestly Dilan sounded like a pretty bad person, even before Xehanort came along. That’s exactly the message I got from doing his weapon analysis, too. If anyone from the old Organization actually seemed like they would join the new Organization willingly, it would have been him and Braig. I am sure there was more to Dilan than what we got. He basically did nothing in KH3.

Aeleus: Dilan and Even are conscious again, but still unstable. They’re resting inside. -KH3D

Ienzo: He was recompleted like the rest of us, but he didn’t regain consciousness. After Lea left, he must have woken and taken his leave. -KH3

Then there’s this whole thing which I thought was weird. Aeleus specifically said that they both regained consciousness, but they were just unstable. And Ienzo is right there to hear this. He had to know. Yet in KH3, Ienzo says that he never regained consciousness.

I think there had to be a reason those two characters in particular were kept away from Lea in DDD. They were going to be important for something. The fact that Vexen and Demyx are “reserve” members just reeks of retconning. Like they were not supposed to be there originally and they didn’t know how to quite fit them into the story. So yeah, they’re just reserves. They even whine about getting “benched” which was really silly to me.

Besides Xehanort and Braig, I think Dilan and Even were the apprentices that were the most heavily involved in Lea’s dark past and the human experiments. That’s why he wasn’t allowed to interact with them yet. They knew the truth about Isa. Even probably was not willingly involved, and would feel remorseful to Lea. And he probably would have confessed the truth about Isa. It was necessary to the plot for him to be kept away from Lea. That’s my theory.

Xehanort: Roxas… Now, there was a worthy candidate. But, unfortunately, he became too aware of himself, and returned to Sora. Organization XIII’s  goal is to divide Xehanort’s heart among thirteen vessels. Thanks to you and Sora, we learned not all our candidates were fit for the task.

As for completely unwilling people being made into Seekers, they would need to be totally steeped in darkness, like Terra, where Xehanort can basically just hijack their body. But Terra put up way too much of a fight, and he couldn’t risk that again; Xehanort learned from that mistake. That’s why Roxas was a good candidate at first. He started off so spacey, and without much awareness. Of course, he didn’t stay that way for long.

I shall conduct the following experiments:

Extract the darkness from a person’s heart.

Cultivate darkness in a pure heart.

Both suppress and amplify the darkness within.

The experiments caused the test subject’s heart to collapse, including those of the most stalwart. How fragile our hearts are! My treatment produced no signs of recovery. -Ansem’s Report

Weakness of will is another issue. It is very tricky to make the person vulnerable to possession, but not have their heart totally collapse. If their heart collapses, they are too broken to use.If your’e too far gone, you’re no good; there is a point of no return. That’s basically how Xehanort viewed Ventus at the beginning of BBS. I think that’s why Xemnas was so desperate to find Ventus in 358/2 Days. His body was asleep, and his heart was elsewhere. He’s totally vacant, but his heart was not collapsed or broken thanks to Sora. Roxas became too aware, but Ven was a perfect vessel.

Xemnas: Our experiments creating Heartless were attempts to control the mind, and convince it to renounce its sense of self.

What it ultimately comes down to is: Xehanort needs a person who is devoid of a sense of self. Not broken; just lacking the mental capacity to reject his heart. The fact that Xehanort was resorting to mind control experiments shows how desperate he was to find someone like this, and how difficult it is to use someone as a vessel for his heart. And this is why I think Isa being “Subject X” is the only thing that actually makes sense to me. I mean, just look at how Nomura chose to draw him in the official artworks. He’s the only Organization member that just stares blankly ahead, while everyone else makes eye contact with the “camera”. That blank look is so similar to people who’ve lost their heart, like Kairi and Ventus.

It’s worth mentioning that the localization team chose the name “Recusant’s Sigil” for the “X” mark. When you recuse yourself, you remove yourself from a situation to avoid a conflict.A recusant is a person who refuses to submit to an authority or to comply with a regulation. That’s the exact opposite of what Xehanort would want in a person. It sounds like the “X” is something akin to a punishment for having too much of a sense of self. It’s a brand of ownership meant to break the person’s will. So I think if anything, Isa must have put up one heck of a fight before he recused himself. He definitely didn’t seem to have the “weakness of will” problem. Which is probably why he was so special. He had such a strong will that he lost his sense of self, but he didn’t completely break like everyone else did. He was a great vessel in that regard. “Subject X” possess all the qualities of an ideal vessel.

I mentioned this on the previous post about Axel, but deities like Shiva are often depicted with a dot directly between the eyebrows. This is significant because this is where the pineal gland is located, which is said to activate the Third Eye chakra on the forehead. It is also called the mind’s eye because it is the direct link between the mind and the physical world. It is also regarded as the highest feminine energy center in the body and the portal to the The Higher Self. This is generally regarded as a union with the divine source. Similar to the notion of the soul, basically. The true spiritual self. It is truly interesting to me that Saix’s scar is located directly between his eyebrows.

The symbol of death is situated directly on the source of his mind and soul. There’s no way that was just a coincidence. Also, it always seemed significant to me that Xemnas was covering Saix’s mouth in that picture. Nobody else in any of the official artwork has part of their face covered like that. It immediately stood out to me, since Saix was right up front and center in the illustration with Xemnas. Artists don’t just cover up a large part of a character’s face like that for no reason. I think it’s very symbolic that Xemans is covering Saix’s Throat chakra. Its emphasis is on communication and projecting authenticity into the world. When it is in balance we can express what we think and what we feel.

A question about Terranort. Ansem and Xemnas came from the splitting of Terranort. Does that mean that when they were defeated in KH1 and KH2, Terra was revived alongside Master Xehanort?

Nomura: By all rights, Terra should have been revived as himself at that point in time. However, his heart was still in the clutches of Xehanort, and it was unable to go back, and the shell of his body was the only thing that revived. Then, Xehanort brought the heart of Terranort from the past and put it in that shell of a body he once controlled.

If Isa’s heart had also been swallowed by Xehanort’s (which is what’s supposed to happen to those who get Xehanort’d) then it made perfect sense that they took him and only him. His heart wasn’t in his body. It was “captured”, as Nomura said. His body was just an empty shell, like Terra’s. A perfect empty vessel just waiting to be filled.

I thought I’d never see the word “replica” again. Any rational man would realize the Riku Replica was not likely unique, but I’m the only one in the Organization who knew of his exceptional copying functionality, and that he ultimately formed a sense of self. -Axel’s Report

Xemnas: The goal was to duplicate the Keyblade wielder’s memories, and through them, his powers–thus making them our own. Vexen oversaw the project at Castle Oblivion. However, our efforts were severely derailed by his unexpected demise. And this particular Replica–the one we called Xion–came to form an identity of her own.

Xemnas: We wanted the Key. Xion’s exposure to Roxas effected a transfer of its power, just as we had hoped. Had things stopped there, Xion would have been an unequivocal success. But then, through Roxas, Sora himself began to shape “it” into “her,” giving Xion a sense of identity. I was ready to scrap the whole project…

Lastly, I didn’t like the Deus ex Replica aspect of the story. How Xehanort could just use replicas to fill out his ranks. That was far too convenient, considering the Replica Program was an unfinished failure at the time of Vexen’s demise. Now he suddenly made that much progress so fast? Nah, I don’t buy it. The story made a big deal of this idea that the Replica Project was a failure, because even replicas will gain a sense of self over time.